ON NOT KNOWING: A MEMOIR ABOUT MY LOVER AND HIS LIES

It was a stroke of good luck that led to our first encounter, the secret meetings
that steered our friendship, the inevitable development that guided us in falling in
love, and the harsh hand of destiny that forced us to separate forever. A simple girl
who took a chance on love in the hopes of finding her perfect match but little did she
know that she'd be getting a lot more than what she expected out of the situation.
Disbelief. Grief. Shame. Confined in one cohesive mass.

Our story started during one picture-perfect day in September; the sky was a
vast expanse of sapphire blue, and it was speckled with wispy white clouds. The sun's
radiance gleamed brilliantly in the azure blue sky above. I had just concluded a hard
day of arranging and rearranging my schedules, doing my assigned academic work,
and preparing for impending exams—basically, everything that a typical student does. I
was feeling exhausted and tired that I needed a serotonin jolt, so I decided to call my
pals, and that is when the unforeseen turn of events altered the course of my life.
Beside me is my friend Derek who is also on another call. Even though I should be
concentrating on my own conversation, I find that I cannot help but listen to the
discussion that my buddy is having. It is as if my body has its own mind and responds
instinctively whenever it hears the sound of [redacted] voice. He threw a joke, and I
laughed without thinking, forgetting for a moment that I was not acquainted with him.
He took note of it, and he persuaded my other friend to involve me in the conversation
they were having. A seemingly little action that stirs something deep within me.

It seems like it was only last week that I was introduced to him, a young man
who immediately won my heart over in every way possible. Our connection did not
come to an end on that day, despite the fact that it had occurred in a way that seemed
to be completely unexpected. The uneasiness and uncertainty in our interaction
eventually gave way to familiarity and ease. I will never forget the day that he took me
to Tagaytay only so that he could show me his favorite spot. While holding a cup of
Starbucks in one hand, he allowed me to enter his little secret sanctuary. He was not
there for small conversation; he was there to appreciate the sunrise's splendor. We sat
in silence as the sun peeked over the horizon, bathing us both in its warm glow. This
mortal sphere is incapable of achieving perfection, yet that morning came as near as
humanly impossible. There is serenity at the sunrise that is beyond comprehension. A
renewal. A sense that all things are possible. I will never regret pulling myself from the
coziness of my bed every morning just to see the majesty of daybreak beside him.
 He won my heart so totally that spending each day with him makes me more
joyful than I could have ever dreamed. His love has raised me to such a degree that my
life has become a refuge for my calm and contentment. We immediately found
ourselves in a loving and passionate relationship, the likes of which neither of us was
aware we were searching for or needed. Both of our lives were prosperous and
satisfying; we had loving families and friends, as well as a wide range of interests that
complemented one another. At that precise time, all I can say is that life was beautiful.

However, all this calmness and contentment comes with a cost. I cannot muster
the courage to tell my parents about his existence since I am afraid that what we have
will not be permitted and acknowledged. I am afraid that my parent's disapproval will
lead to our relationship stopping. I cannot stand the thought of it, thus, I did not
gamble what we have and decided to hide it. Sometimes, I would be a ninja and sneak
out just to meet him. I was always frightened that my parents would hear the door
rattle when it walled off my family room. After that, I will always let out a deep breath,
allowing the adrenaline to go through my body and releasing the tension that comes
with the prospect of being caught. I never stop praying fervently that my dogs had not
woken from their snoring slumber. It was scary but at the same time, the result is
always rewarding. After the anxious attempt to sneak away, there is an unimaginable
amount of tranquility that washes over me whenever I see him standing next to his
pearl-white car. A man with bristly eyebrows, almond-shaped obsidian eyes, and an
earthy scent that swirled around him was standing and looking straight at me as I
traversed the distance between us.

Just when I thought the most difficult part of our relationship would be figuring
out how to tell my parents about us, the universe decided to play the cruelest joke on
me. It was simply a regular day with no particular significance. I was still sitting in my
room waiting for midnight to arrive so that I could slip away and see him once again.
However, all my excitement went down the drain when a banner of message requests
appeared on my phone. It was a message from a girl who claimed that the person I am
dating has been her boyfriend for the last three years. Nothing can adequately explain
the excruciating agony that rips through my body as I read the words that have been
delivered to me. My stomach lurched as I caught my breath. It is true that when I
looked back, there had been warning signs, but I had placed such complete and
unwavering confidence in him, that the idea that he may be cheating on me never
crossed my mind.
 I may have been able to handle the situation better if he had rejected me. I can
endure the severe loneliness, but at least I would not be forced to endure the
intolerable self-pity and dreadful embarrassment. There was a palpable pain living in
the pit of my soul since that moment of clarity. The electrifying midnight was suddenly
replaced by a deafening silence, making me feel the sensation that I was plunging
further and deeper into the abyss. The length of time that has elapsed, during which I
was able to loosen my defenses and let myself fall in love with him, has made the
situation far more difficult to deal with than it would have been otherwise. He
manipulated the circumstances so that I would have no choice but to assume that this
connection was exclusive. As I dig through the evidence and evaluate how I feel about
it, I find that my rational mind and my emotional side are at odds with one another.

I felt really naïve for trusting him at first. For always having his back and
vouching for his decisions. Something about this made me feel completely
overwhelmed. Nobody likes to feel foolish, and at the moment I thought I was the most
inept human being alive. It seemed to me as if he was secretly chuckling at my expense
because of how blind I was to the world around me. I was in so much agony that I could
not even begin to express it; it felt like my whole body was on wildfire. The subsequent
weeks were characterized by my excessive napping and lack of normal eating habits. I
thought I would be fine since I had not cried over it. However, I was mistaken; things
were not going to work out well no matter how much I tried. I often asked myself,
"Why me?" I was truthful in my relationship with him and went to great measures to
please him, but all he did was cheat on me and hurt me with his cruel lies.

Broken hearts are a source of misery. That is something that cannot be

contested. When we trust another person enough to expose our hearts and minds to
them, we also give them the ability to destroy us. In such case, they do so in some form
or another. And the world continues on nonetheless. It will not stop spinning so that
we have the chance to regain our breath. We have to live with the broken disaster that
is going on inside of us while everyone else carries on as if nothing has happened. It is
difficult to live with should haves and the grieving of unanswered words, unmet
experiences, and future memories left blank. I was sick, unable to control my rage, and
suffocated by my routine. I should have realized that I was unwell, and I had lost my
thirst for the taste of new adventures - the core element of the woman that I am. My
self-loathing caused my fury to build up to the point where it eventually spilled out. It
was never my fault that my heart was broken, nevertheless, I have to bear the burden
of that knowledge for the rest of my life.