Vivienne Ng

FAMILY AND RELATIONAL ISSUES FACED Chief Psychologist

Office of the Chief Psychologist
BY PASTORS & CHURCH WORKERS Ministry of Social and Family
Development
 THE BIBLE IS ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1Peter 4:18)

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (Col 3:19)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.“ (James 1:19-20)

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which
you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another
in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Eph 4:1-3)
FAMILY AND MARITAL ISSUES:
•Marital Conflict – impact on children
•Adultery
•Divorce – impact on children; custody/care and control/visitation;
reconstituted families
•Spousal violence
•Sexual deviance
•Addictions (substance, behavioural)
•Abortion
•In-laws, extended family issues
•Caregiving for family member with mental illness or addictions,
chronic or life-threatening illness, dementia, disability
 PARENTING AND CHILD-RELATED ISSUES:
•Parenting
•Parent-child interaction
•Children at risk – mental health, suicidal/self-harming,
defiance/rebellion, offending, gang, drugs, internet addiction,
school refusal, sexuality issues, disabilities
•Prodigal children
•PKs and MKs
•Child abuse and neglect
FACTORS AFFECTING RELATIONSHIP 1. Personality Factors
2. Attachment Styles
STABILITY AND SATISFACTION 3. Interactions Patterns
KNOW YOURSELF: PERSONALITY TRAITS
1. How would you describe yourself? Which end are you leaning towards?

•Openness
•Conscientiousness
•Extroversion
•Agreeableness
•Neuroticism

(Larsen & Buss, 2005)

1. Personality
 Couples high in Neuroticism tend to experience lower levels of marital
satisfaction and more marital instability

 Neuroticism and decreased marital satisfaction mediated by marital

interactions that are high in hostility and low in warmth for both genders

 Agreeableness and Conscientiousness have been found to be widely

related to martial satisfaction and stability

 Conscientiousness was found to be a predictor of commitment in men in

one study (Engel et al., 2002)
 KNOW YOURSELF: FAMILY OF ORIGIN
1. Were there major life events/tragic situations that affected you or your family of origin?

2. When you are growing up

 Rules
 Expression of feelings
 Communication

3. Write down the answer to these questions.

 My father’s favourite expression was _____?
 My mother’s favourite expression was ______?
 When I disagree with someone, I _____?
 Winning means _____.
 Being a pastor/full-time church worker means _______.
PARENTING/MARRIAGE FROM THE INSIDE-OUT
•How well did you get along with your parents/did your parents get along early in
your childhood?
•How do you wish your parents may have offered you a different experience of
being parented/married?
•How have these experiences shaped our own attitudes towards and interactions
with your child/spouse?
•Do you get a sense that there is a deep issue, such as fear of closeness, a shameful
sense of being defective, anger at your child’s/spouse’s reaction or another
hidden/core emotional process may be affecting your relationship with your
spouse/child?
•What interactions with your children/spouse fill you with overwhelming emotion,
such as fear, anger, sadness or shame? For some, it is feeling abandoned or
invisible, others feeling incompetent…..
 5 CORE EMOTIONAL NEEDS
(YOUNG, KLOSKO, WEISHAAR, 2003)

Attachment

Autonomy, competence, and sense of identity

Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
Spontaneity and play
Realistic limits and self-control
Bowlby - A child needs to
develop a relationship with at
least one primary caregiver
for successful social and
emotional development
Ainsworth – secure and
insecure attachment
EARLY MALADAPTIVE SCHEMAS:
Abandonment

An early maladaptive schema is: Emotional

 “A broad, pervasive theme or pattern Mistrust Deprivation
 Comprised of memories, emotions, cognitions, and
bodily sensations Defectiveness/
Shame
 Regarding oneself and one’s relationships with
others Dependence/
 Developed during childhood or adolescence incompetence
 Elaborated throughout one’s lifetime and Enmeshment/
underdeveloped
 Dysfunctional to a significant degree” self
(Young, Klosko, and Weishaar, 2003). Self-
sacrifice
Subjugation
2. Attachment Patterns
 Secure attachment linked with stable relationships.
 In longitudinal studies – as attachment security increases over time, relationships
become more stable.
 One study found that avoidant and secure men had equally stable relationships at
1 yr follow-up but not at 3 yr follow-up.

3. Interaction Patterns (relational factors)

– predictors of divorce (Gottman & Levenson, 1992); marital satisfaction (EFT).
 Unacknowledged emotions and disowned needs Commitment
 5:1
 Friendship factors (love maps, fondness and admiration,
turning towards) Relationship
stability
 Conflict - gridlock or dialogue
Trust Calm
 Attachment
Cooper & Sheldon (2002) patterns Kirkpatrick & Davis, 1994
Personality
Meta-analysis by Karney &
Bradbury (1995)

Relational
Factors Gottman & Levenson, 1992
(Interactions)

Relationship Stability & Satisfaction

A - Adult Attachments and Reactions
B - Boundaries
C - Communication and Conflict Management
 A. STEPS TOWARDS HEALTHY ATTACHMENT/REACTIONS
1. Parenting/Partnering from the inside out
 Recognise triggers, thoughts, feelings, and responses (CBT) – what affects
your attunement?
 Challenging unhelpful thoughts and managing feelings

2. Recognise schema modes – vulnerable child, angry child (enraged), punitive

parent, demanding parent (Schema Therapy)

3. Recognise dysfunctional coping - surrender, avoidance or over-compensation

• Select partners who cannot commit/who are rejecting vs
• Avoiding intimacy/Isolated/unreliable/mistrustful vs
• Smothering/clingy/demanding/use and abuse others
B. STEPS TOWARDS HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
1. Recognise the unrealistic expectations of the “super-pastor”/”super church
worker”.

2. Recognise when we are being passive or aggressive or passive-aggressive

3. Check if our boundaries too flexible vs too rigid

4. For those who tend to subjugate, are approval-seeking or overly sacrificial

 Be aware of co-dependency
 Learn to set boundaries between family life, personal life and career
 Recognise and give yourself permission to meet own needs
 Learning assertive skills
B. STEPS TOWARDS HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
5. For those who tend to avoid responsibility or have rigid boundaries
• Learn to step forward and go the extra mile

6. For those who disregard other’s boundaries, dominate or rebel

 Understand the link between need for control and identity/shame

7. Rooting our sense of self in Christ’s work for us and our identity as a
child of God

8. Individuating - Bowen’s theory of family systems.

 C. STEPS TOWARDS HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
1. Recognise negative interaction cycles (EFT)
 Attachment
– pursue-distance/demand-withdraw dynamic
 Identity
– dominance-submission/criticise-defend dynamic

2. Strengthen relationships with family members and colleagues (Gottman)

 5:1
 Friendship factors
 Positive perspective
 Descriptive praise
By Adele Faber
& Elaine Mazlish
C. STEPS TOWARDS HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
AND CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
3. Communication training
How do we shut down communication with our loved ones?
Jumping into advice giving “The trouble with you…..”
Lecturing/interrogating Toxic ruptures
Denial of feeling Our own unresolved issues
Minimizing the situation Not paying attention or half listening
Cliché or philosophical approach

Communication Skills – listening skills, sharing your feelings - XYZ, I-statements

Listening
skills
Don’t disparage; give invitation to elaborate
 Talk about your feelings

Be honest about your feelings

and needs but use “I” and
X-Y-Z messages
STEPS TOWARDS MORE HEALTH COMMUNICATION
AND CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
4. Conflict management and conflict resolution skills

 Validating your loved one’s/other people’s feelings

 Avoiding the 4 Horsemen (Gottman)

 Understand the underlying emotions and needs (EFT)

 Fear of abandonment underlying anger
 Inadequacy and shame underlying contempt

 Accepting influence
 STEPS TOWARDS MORE HEALTH COMMUNICATION
AND CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
 Taking time out if needed

 Knowing how to self-soothe (calm)

 Take the High Road

– High Road – reflective parenting/responding, behavioural flexibility,
intentional responses, ability to maintain emotional connection and attunement
– Low Road – intense emotions, impulsive actions, rigid and repetitive
responses, lacking in self-reflection, insensitive to child’s/spouses’s needs.

 Disconnection/Reconnection with kids – oscillating disconnection, benign rupture,

limit-setting ruptures (with children), toxic rapture (low road/child feels shame)
 LOOK TO GOD TO REPAIR & REBUILD OUR FLAWED
PERSONAL/FAMILY/RELATIONAL FOUNDATIONS

✓We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge
of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor10:5)

✓Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy—think about such things. (Phil 4:8)

✓Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to
completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)
SUMMARY
1. Relationship difficulties may have arisen from family of origin issues,
childhood experiences, personality, or interactional issues.

2. No one is exempt from individual mental health, family or social problems

3. Nothing is so bad or so insignificant that you can’t talk about or get help for

4. Cultivate self-awareness and take regular stock of your family life

SUMMARY
5. Arm yourself with right knowledge and skills

6. Have a support system

7. Be prayerful

8. Educate ourselves on the family and social issues

9. Know avenues to get help

URGENT NEED PROVIDERS SERVICES
Emotional distress, COVID-related National CARE Hotline (1800-202 6868) Hotline - Psychological First Aid
issues
Suicidal SOS (1800-2214444) Hotline - Crisis and suicide intervention
Family Violence and Child Abuse National Anti-Violence Hotline (NAVH) – Hotline - Consultation and reporting
1800-777 0000 of family violence and child abuse

Imminent risk of danger to self or Police (999) and Ambulance (995) Police and Ambulance services
others Reporting
Financial problems Social Service Office (SSOs) (MSF) Financial Assistance
Comcare hotline 1800-220 0000 School Pocket Money Fund

NEED PROVIDER SERIVCES

Families in need Family Service Centres (check online FSC locator) Counselling, Casework
Groupwork
Child Protection Child Protection Specialist Agencies (CPSCs) Moderate child protection concerns or step
- Big Love CPSC & HEART@Fei Yue CPSC down from Child Protective Services

Child Protection Service (MSF) High child protection concerns

Family Violence Family Violence Specialist Agencies (FVSAs) – PAVE, Family violence
TRANS SAFE Centre, Care Corner Project StART
Beyond parental Family Guidance Order – Singapore Children’s Casework by social worker
control Society or Epworth Community Services Counselling or psychological therapy
NEED PROVIDER SERVICES
Mental health Social Service Agencies (SSAs) - with strong multi-disciplinary teams Counselling and casework
with mental health experts (psychologists/counsellors) Group therapy
• AMKFSC Children/Youth services
• Viriya Community Services Psychological assessment and therapy
• Clarity (youth only)
• Silver Ribbon
• Singapore Association for Mental Health (SAMH)
Ministry of Health • Referral services (Reach and Polyclinics)
• IMH Reach Team (in schools) – Psychologists/Counsellors • Psychiatric assessment & medication
• Polyclinics (Doctors/Psychologists) • Psychological assessment and therapy
• Restructured Hospitals (Psychiatrists/Psychologists)
Private • Psychiatric assessment & medication
• Private Psychiatric and Psychology Clinics • Psychological assessment and therapy
(Psychiatrists/Psychologists/Counsellors) • Counselling
www.Mindline.sg and Wysa • Online resources/App with Chatbot
NEED PROVIDER SERVICES
Family Issues Online Counselling (OC) – • Live-chat and email counselling – anonymous and convenient
(Marriage, Parenting, www.CPHOnlineCounselling.sg • Community Psychology Hub (MSF)
Divorce)

Parenting offered 10 Parenting Support Providers
(PSP) – MSF website
or
email
parentingsupport@msf.gov.sg
Parenting programmes (MSF) – Triple P and Signposts
- Triple P Level 2 Seminars
- Triple P Level 3 4 one to one consultations
- Triple P Level 4 5 group sessions + 3 phone sessions
- Triple P Online (TPOL) – toddlers to tweens; pre-teens and teens
(register online on MSF website)
- Signposts for primary schools – 5 weekly group sessions

NEED PROVIDER SERVICES

Divorce Support Divorce Support Specialist Emphasise child centric divorce processes and provide support and
Agencies (DSSAs) programmes

• Thye Hua Kwan Centre for • Mandatory parenting programme

Family Harmony
• Thrive Parenting! @AMKFSC
• Healing Hearts at Fei Yue
• HELP FSC
• Care Corner Centre for Co-
parenting
• Children-In-Between (CIB)
• Supervised exchange and supervised visitation (SESV),
• Casework and counselling
• Psychological services
HOW CAN GOD USE YOU TO CHANGE DAMAGED FAMILIES AND
INDIVIDUALS IN THE COMMUNITY?
Mentoring / Befriending
 Marriage and parenting (especially husbands and fathers)
 Vulnerable and at-risk Families
 The lonely and isolated
 Children - traumatized, at risk for emotional/behavior problems, in children’s homes

Practice Biblical Hospitality

 Foster children who need care or provide shelter to those who need it
 Adults who need temporary shelter
 Find out more at ‘Home for Good-SG’

Pray - “Let our hearts be broken by the things that break God’s heart”
34
A father to the fatherless, a defender of
widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families.
Ps 68: 5

“In this life we cannot do great things.

We can only do small things
with great love.”
Mother Theresa
THE END
MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU!