Collaboration And Teams

How
ConflictPeople with
Styles Different
Can Work
Together
by Amy Gallo
July 24, 2017
Summary.   When it comes to conflict, most of us we either tend to avoid it or seek
it out. Neither style is better or worse, but it’s useful to know what your natural
tendency is and, when you get into a conflict with someone else, to put some
thought into the other person’s... more
When it comes to conflict, most of us have a default approach: we
either tend to avoid it or seek it out. The avoiders among us shy
away from disagreements, value harmony and positive
relationships, and will often try to placate people or even change
the topic. Avoiders don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or disrupt
team dynamics. Seekers (and I’m one of them!) seem eager to
engage in disagreements. They tend to care about directness and
honesty, lose their patience when others aren’t being equally
direct, and don’t mind ruffling feathers.
Neither style is better or worse, and your default style is probably
due to several factors: your past experiences with conflict, the
conventions of the culture you’re from or work in, the
organizational context, and even gender norms. And while each
of us generally has a preferred approach, it’s rare for a person to
avoid or seek out conflict all the time. More likely, you adjust your
style based on the context, with whom you’re having the conflict,
and other things going on in your office. For example, you might
be a seeker with your mom and an avoider with your boss.

Still, it’s useful to know what your natural tendency is and, when
you get into a conflict with someone else, to put some thought
into the other person’s style. If you’re a seeker and the other
person is an avoider, how should you handle the situation? And is
all hope of reaching a resolution lost if you’re both avoiders?

Knowing how the other person

YOU AND YOUR TEAM SERIES
Conflict typically reacts in a tense
situation is useful information.
So assess your coworker’s style,
if you’re not already familiar
with it. Consider whom you’re
dealing with. How does he
typically communicate and how
does he prefer to be
How
Duringto aControl
DifficultYourConversation
Emotions communicated with? Is she more
by Amy Gallo of a straight shooter who tells it
How Self-Managed
Resolve Conflict Teams Can like it is, or does she tend to beat
by Amit Maimon around the bush? If you
Even
AvoidExperienced
Conflict Executives
frequently work with the person
you’re having the conflict with,
by Ron Ashkenas
you may already be familiar with
their style. If you rarely interact
with the person, you’ll have to do
some digging. It may be that you’re fighting with an overseas
colleague whom you see in person only at annual meetings, or
your conflict may be with a manager in a different department
who sits in another building. It’s best to know something about
the person rather than fighting in a vacuum.

Here are a few ways to assess the other person’s style:

Look for patterns. Whether or not you know your counterpart

well, play the role of observer. Ho do they handle a tense
discussion in a meeting? What’s the look on their face when other
people are disagreeing? Do they like people to cut to the chase and
lay out just the facts or do they want the complete picture with
every gory detail? What have you observed about
their communication style?

Get input from others. You might ask a colleague or two for
input into your coworker’s personality. Don’t go around grilling
others about them, but ask people to confirm or deny your own
observations. Say something like, “I noticed Jim flew off the
handle in that meeting. Is that typical?” or “I saw Katerina avoid
engaging with Tomas when he questioned whether her figures
were right. Did you see the same thing?” Obviously, you have to
trust the person you’re asking — you don’t want your colleague to
find out you’re snooping on them.

Ask directly. It’s not always advisable to come out and ask: “How
do you like to address conflict?” That can be awkward — and few
people will be prepared to answer the question. Instead, share
your own preferences as a way to start the conversation: “You
might have noticed that I don’t shy away from arguments, and
don’t like to beat around the bush.” You could also share tactful
observations about what you’ve noticed about your counterpart.
“Based on how you responded to Corinne’s questioning in this
morning’s meeting, it seems as if you prefer to steer away from
conflict. Is that right?”

Once you have a good sense of their style, you can make a more
informed choice about how to handle the disagreement. You’ll
want to consider how your styles interact. If you’re both seekers,
can you expect an all-out brawl? If you’re both avoiders, should
you forget the idea of directly addressing the conflict? Let’s go
through each of the possible pairings and look at what typically
happens and how you can best approach the situation:

You’re both avoiders

What typically happens:
 Both of you lean toward doing nothing.
You may tamp down feelings that could explode later on.

What to do:

One of you needs to take the lead.

Say directly, “I know neither of us likes conflict, but instead of
ignoring the problem, what can we do about it?”
Do your best to draw the other person out in a sensitive,
thoughtful way.
If things get tough, don’t shy away. You’ll need to fight your
natural instinct in this case.

You’re both seekers

What typically happens:

Neither of you is afraid to say what’s on your mind.

The discussion can easily turn contentious.
In the heat of the moment, you might end up saying things you
don’t actually believe.
You both feel disrespected.

What to do:

Since you’ll both be eager to address the situation, take extra

time to prepare for the conversation.
 Know that you’re likely to feel impatient, and schedule your
discussion in a way that allows you both to take breaks.
Be ready — things may get heated. Suggest a coffee break or a
walk or a change of scenery to help even out emotions.

You’re a seeker and your counterpart is an avoider

What typically happens:

You tend to bulldoze your counterpart into agreeing with you.

Your counterpart may act passive aggressively to get their point
across.

What to do:

Ask the person to participate actively in the conversation — not

hide their opinions.
Don’t be a bully.
Be patient with the pace of the conversation.

You’re an avoider and they’re a seeker

What typically happens:

You might be tempted to play the role of “good guy” and go

along with what your counterpart wants.
You might get trampled by your counterpart’s requests.
What to do:

Explicitly ask for what you need: “To have a productive

conversation, I need you to be patient with me and watch the
tone and volume of your voice.”
Earn the seeker’s respect by being direct and to the point.
Don’t signal disrespect, which is likely to set off the seeker.

Whatever your situation, remember that your goal is to ultimately

solve the conflict, not judge someone’s style. Avoid saying
something like, “We’ve got a problem here because it seems as if
you don’t know how to discuss difficult issues.” Instead, have
compassion for the other person — and yourself — and take into
account what you know about both of your tendencies to navigate
the situation thoughtfully and carefully.

Amy Gallo is a contributing editor at Harvard

Business Review, co-host of the Women at Work
podcast, and the author of the HBR Guide to
Dealing with Conflict. She writes and speaks
about workplace dynamics. Watch her TEDx
talk on conflict and follow her on Twitter at
@amyegallo.