Sometimes, parents and teachers get so caught up in the seriousness of a

mistake and how it needs to be corrected, that we leave kids’ goodness out of
the discussion. It’s like we’re afraid that if we point out anything positive, the
child will think they’re getting away with something.
But it's important to remind our kids that, hey, you MADE a
mistake, but YOU ARE NOT a mistake.
When a child has made a mistake, that’s when they most need
encouragement.
For those of us who were raised to expect punishment for our mistakes, this
may seem counterintuitive. But consider that “encouragement” means “to give
support, confidence, or hope.” When we’ve made a mistake, we need to have
the courage and confidence to admit it, make amends and move forward with
the belief that we’re capable of doing better.
Encouragement looks like:

 Listening and asking questions from a place of genuine

curiosity, to better understand what caused our child to do what they
did.
 Helping them brainstorm ways to make amends or fix
something (including a relationship) that might be broken.
 Discussing ways to rebuild trust.
 Pointing out how our child demonstrates character
strengths and then determining, together, how those strengths could
be used for a better result in the future.

Sometimes, in an attempt to focus on strengths, especially at the end of a

problem-solving discussion, it’s easy to slip back into discouragement mode
with backhanded compliments like:

 You have great leadership skills and other kids really follow you.
Unfortunately, you’re leading them down a negative path.
 You have a great sense of humor and you’re good at making people
laugh. It’s just that your jokes are getting the class off task.
 You’re making progress in doing your chores. I just wish you’d drop the
attitude.

I think we tag on that last bit of criticism because we’re just a little afraid they
didn’t get the point about how serious the mistake was and how important it is
to fix it.
We need to keep that fear in check and instead send the message that we have
confidence in them and we love who they are.
That means ending the compliment with the good part:

 I see you as having great leadership skills! Other kids really follow you.
 You have a great sense of humor and you’re good at making people
laugh.
 You’ve done what I asked you to do, and I really appreciate how helpful
you are.

When kids expect encouragement rather than punishment, they’ll be more

likely to admit to their mistakes, instead of trying to hide from them or cover
them up. This can be a starting point for growing core character strengths like
honesty, integrity and accountability. Plus, it provides them with a greater
opportunity to learn and grow from the experience.