Bert Hellinger

How Love Works

(From a public lecture held by Bert Hellinger)

Order and Love

Taking life as it is given
Uniueness
The !ame
Taking "hat parents additionally give
#hild si$ed
Taking and challenging
%eciprocity
The e&tended family
The right to membership
'&cluded members are represented
%esolution
agical belief systems and their conseuences
en and "omen
Bonding bet"een men and "omen
Hierarchy
T"o ood Fortunes (!tory)

any people assume that if "e only love enough* love "ill triumph and everything "ill turn out
"ell+ '&perience sho"s this isn,t true+ !ometimes parents must "atch helplessly as their children*
although deeply loved* turn out differently than they hoped* perhaps becoming ill or addicted to
drugs or tragically committing suicide+ !uch e&periences sho" that* in addition to love* something
else is necessary for love to succeed+ -hat love reuires is that "e understand and follo" the
hidden Orders of Love+

Order and Love

Love fills what the Orders contain.

Love is water, the Orders her jug.

The Orders are the holding,

allowing love to flow.

Order and Love cooperate:

Like a melody with its harmonies,
so love with its Orders.

Just as our ear is grated by dissonance,

even when eplained,
so too our soul adjusts with difficulty
to Love without order.

!ome treat the Orders as if they

were opinions which we can
have or change at will.
"ut they are as they are.
They work, even when we do not understand them.
#e do not create them, we discover them.
#e conclude them, like $eaning and !oul,
from their effect.

any of these orders are hidden and "e cannot observe them directly+ They "ork deeply in the
soul* and "e tend to obscure them "ith our beliefs* ob.ections* desires or an&ieties+ -e need to
reach deeply into the soul if "e "ant to touch the Orders of Love+

Taking life as it is given

/,d like to begin by saying something about the Orders of Love bet"een parents and children from
the child,s perspective+ These observations are so fundamental and obvious that / hesitate to
mention them at all* but they are nevertheless often forgotten+

-hen parents give life* they act in deepest accordance "ith their humanness* and they give
themselves as parents to their children e&actly as they are+ They can,t add anything to "hat they
are* nor can they leave anything out+ Father and mother* consummating their love for one
another* give to their children the "hole of "hat they are+ Thus* the first of the Orders of Love is
that children take life as it "as given+ 0 child cannot leave anything out from the life he or she
"as given* nor does "ishing it "ere different change anything+

0 child /! its parents+ Love* if it is to succeed* reuires that a child affirms its parents as they are*
"ithout fear and "ithout imagining it could have different parents+ 0fter all* different parents "ould
have had different children+ Our parents are the only possible ones for us+ /magining anything
else to be possible is an illusion+

0ffirming our parents as they are is a very deep and profound movement+ /t implies our
agreement to life and fate e&actly as they are presented to us by our parents1 "ith the limitations
that go along "ith that+ -ith the opportunities "e are given+ -ith the entanglement in the
suffering* ill fortune and guilt of our family* or in their happiness and good fortune as it may come+

This affirmation of our parents .ust as they are is a religious act+ /t e&presses our readiness to
give up false e&pectations "hich e&ceed or fall short of ho" the life our parents gave us really is+
This religious affirmation e&tends far beyond our parents* and so* in affirming our parents* "e
must look far beyond them+ -e must see through them into that far distance from "hich life itself

comes to "e
they are* us* ackno"ledge
and "e must the
bo"mystery
do"n before
of life the
andmystery of life+
"e submit to it+-hen "e affirm our parents as

2ou can test the effect of this affirmation in your soul by imagining yourself bo"ing deeply before
your parents and telling them* 3The life you give me comes to me at the full price it has cost you*
and at the full price it has cost me+ / take it "ith everything that comes "ith it* "ith all its
limitations and opportunities+3 /n the moment these sentences are authentically spoken* "e
ackno"ledge life as it is and our parents as they are+ The heart opens+ - hoever manages this
affirmation feels "hole and at peace+

#ompare the effect of this affirmation "ith its opposite by imagining yourself turning a"ay from
your parents* saying* 3/ "ant different parents+ / don,t like ho" mine are+3 -hat an illusion* as if it
"ere possible to be ourselves and have different parents+ Those "ho secretly speak such
sentences turn a"ay from life as it is* and they feel empty* unsupported* and find no peace "ith
themselves+
!ome people fear that if they take their parents as they are* they must also take on their parent,s
badness* and they act as if they could choose to take only the part of life they prefer+ Fearing to
embrace the "holeness of life* the good is also lost+ 0ffirming our parents as they are* "e also
embrace life,s fullness* as it is+

Uniqueness

There is* ho"ever* another mystery involved+ 4amely that "e e&perience ourselves as being
uniue*
than ourthat each 0nd
parents+ of usthis
hastoo
something
must be personal
affirmed* "hich cannot
be it easy be duplicated
or difficult* and
good or "hich
evil+ /f "eislook
different
at
the "orld and at our o"n lives clearly* then "e see that everything "hich is and everything "e do*
belongs+ -hatever "e may do or refuse to do* "hat "e "ork for and "hat "e oppose* "e do
because "e serve a larger "hole "e do not understand+ /f "e become intimate "ith that larger
"hole* then "e e&perience this service as a task or a calling "hich neither adds to our personal
achievements if it is good* nor to our personal guilt if it is terrible+ -e simply are called to serve+
-hen "e look at the "orld in this "ay* the usual distinctions become irrelevant+ / describe this in
a saying "hich is called* The !ame+

The Same

The bree%e moves lightly and whispers,

the !torm blasts and howls.
!till, it is the same wind,
the same song.
The same water
bathes and drowns us,
carries and buries us.

#hatever is alive, uses,

preserves itself and destroys,
one the other,
driven by the same force.

That&s what counts.

#ho is served by the differences'

These then are the fundamental conditions of life+ /t is a given that "e have parents and that "e
are children+ 0nd also* that "e have something uniuely personal+

Taking what parents additionally give

/n addition to giving us life* our parents also give us other things+ They feed us* raise us* care for
us* and much more+ /t "orks "ell "hen children take "hat they are given* as it is given+ 0s a rule*
children get enough "hen they "illing accept "hat they are offered+ Of course there are
e&ceptions "hich "e all understand* but as a rule* "hat parents give their children is enough+
#hildren may not get all that they "ant and not all dreams are fulfilled* but as a rule* children get
enough+

/t is consistent "ith the orders "hen children say to their parents* 32ou have given a great deal to
me* and it is enough+ / take it from you "ith appreciation and love+3 0 child "ho feels that* feels
full and prosperous* no matter "hat may have gone before+ !uch a child could add* 3/,ll take care
of the rest myself+3 That too is a beautiful e&perience+ 0nd the child could add* 34o" / leave you
in peace+3 The effect of these sentences goes very deep+ The children have their parents* and the
parents have their children+ 0t the same time they are separated from one another and
independent+ The parents have completed their "ork* and the children are free to live their lives
"ith respect for their parents* "ithout being dependent on them+

But feel "hat happens in the soul "hen you imagine children saying to their parents* 3-hat you
gave me* first of all* "asn,t the right thing* and secondly* it "asn,t enough+ 2ou still o"e me+3
-hat do children have from their parents "hen they feel that "ay5 4othing+ 0nd "hat do the
parents have from their children5 0lso nothing+ !uch children cannot separate from their parents+
Their accusations and demands tie them to their parents so that* although they are bound to their
parents* the children have no parents+ They then feel empty* needy and "eak+

This is the second Order of Love* that children take "hat their parents give in addition to life as it
comes+

Child sized

/n addition to the life that parents give to their children* and to "hatever they give "hile raising
their children* there are also gifts parents give from "hat they have accumulated through their
o"n efforts+ For e&ample* a mother is a gifted painter "ho paints the most "onderful pictures+
This belongs to her and not to her children+ /f her children are disappointed "hen they are not
able to paint pictures as beautiful6although they do not have her gift and have not "orked as hard

as she6they
"ealth+ violate
#hildren "hothefeel
orders of love+
entitled That,s
to inherit notparents,
their ho" life "ealth*
"orks+ The
and same applies to material
are disappointed "hen they
don,t* damage love+ /f they inherit "ealth* then love is "ell served "hen they treat it purely as a
gift+

This is important because it also applies to our parents, personal guilt+ 7ersonal guilt is belongs to
our parents alone+ /t often happens that children* out of love for their parents* take on their
parents, guilt and try to carry it for them+ But this violates the Orders of Love+ !uch children
presumptuously attempt to do something they have no right to do+ For e&ample* "hen children
attempt to atone for their parents errors* they place themselves above their parents and treat their
parents as if the parents "ere children "ho needed to be taken care of* and as if the children
"ere parents+

4ot long ago there "as a "oman in a group "hose father "as blind and "hose mother "as deaf+
They compensated for one another very "ell+ But the "oman felt she needed to care for her
parents* and "hen "e set up the family constellation* her representative acted as if she "ere big
and her parents small+ /n the constellation* the mother told her* 30s far as your father is
concerned* / can take care of him all by myself+3 0nd the father told her* 32our mother and / get
along .ust fine+ -e don,t need you+3 But the "oman "as disappointed rather than relieved+ !he
"as reduced to child si$e+

!he couldn,t sleep that night+ /n fact* she had a habitual problem sleeping+ The ne&t day* she
asked if / could help her+ / said* 37eople "ho can,t sleep sometimes believe they need to keep
"atch+3 Then / told her a story by Borchert about a young boy in Berlin after the "ar+ He "atched
over his dead brother day and night so that the rats "ouldn,t eat him+ 0lthough he "as completely
e&hausted* he "as convinced he "as obligated to keep "atch+ 0 friendly man came by and told
him* 30t night* rats fall asleep+3 Then the boy fell asleep+ That night* the "oman slept as "ell+

The third Order of Love bet"een parents and children is that "e respect "hat belongs to our
parents personally* and that "e allo" them to do "hat only they can and must do+
Taking and challenging

The fourth Order of Love bet"een parents and children is that parents are big and children are
small+ /t is appropriate that children take and parents give+ Because children receive so much*
they have a need to balance the account+ /t makes us uncomfortable "hen "e take from those
"e love "ithout being able to give in return+ -ith our parents* "e never can correct the imbalance
because they give far more than "e can ever return+

!ome children
Then they say* shy
3/,d a"ay
ratherfrom the pressure
not take anything to"ard
and feelreciprocity* fromand
free from guilt the obligation+3
felt obligation or guilt+
!uch children
close themselves to their parents and they feel empty and impoverished+ Love "ould be better
served if they "ere to say* 3/ "ill take all that you give "ith love+3 Then they could look lovingly at
their parents* and their parents could see ho" happy their children are+ That is a "ay of taking
"hich achieves balance* because the parents feel ackno"ledged by this kind of taking "ith love+
0nd they give even more "illingly+

-hen children demand* 32ou must give me even more*3 then the parents, hearts close+ Because
the children demand* the parents can no longer voluntarily flood them "ith love+ That,s all that
demands achieve* they prohibit the natural flo" of love+ 0nd demanding children* even "hen they
get something* do not value it+

eciprocity

Bet"een parents and children* reciprocity in giving and taking is achieved by giving on to others
"hat has been taken+ /t makes parents very happy "hen children say* 3/ take everything you give*
and "hen /,m big* /,ll pass it on+3 #hildren do not look back "hen they give in this "ay* they look
ahead+ That,s "hat their parents did* they took from their o"n parents and gave to their children+
Because they have taken so much* they feel a pressure to give abundantly* and are able to do
so+

!o that,s "hat / "ant to say about the Orders of Love bet"een parents and children+

The e!tended fa"ily

-e belong not only to our parents* but also to our e&tended family* to a larger system+ Our family
system behaves as if it "ere controlled by a higher function "hich all members share in common+
-e can compare this to a flock of birds+ !uddenly all the birds fly off in a ne" direction* as if the
individual birds "ere moved in common by the flock,s decision+ /n a family system* this higher
order group function acts like a shared* family conscience+ This common conscience is primarily
unconscious* and "e can recogni$e the orders it serves by "hat happens "hen "e obey it or
violate its reuirements+

-e can tell "ho belongs to the family system by observing "ho is affected by this common
conscious* and "ho is not+ 0s a rule* the follo"ing persons belong to a family system8

• 0ll children* including the deceased and the still born1

• The parents and their siblings1
• The grandparents belong1
• Occasionally one or another of the great grandparents* including even more distant
relatives "ho suffered a particularly difficult or un.ust fate1
• 4on6relatives belong to the system as "ell "hen* through their death or misfortune*
someone else in the family benefited* for e&ample* previous partners of the parents and
grandparents+
The right to "e"#ership

0 fundamental principle applies to a family system "hich determines that all members have an
eual right to belong+ /n many families and clans* certain members have been e&cluded* an uncle
perhaps* "ho "as the black sheep of the family* or an illegitimate child no one talked about+

Or some members may say* 3/,m #atholic and you,re 7rotestant* and as #atholic / have a greater
right to belong than you+3 Or the reverse* 30s a 7rotestant* / have a greater right to belong*
because / belong
%eligion isn,t to the true
as important asfaith+ 2ou,re
it used less
to be* butfaithful than /*still
other things so you
are* have less right to
like profession* belong+3
nationality*
skin colour* gender+

Or* sometimes "hen a child dies young* the parents give the ne&t child the same name+ They
effectively tell the deceased child* 32ou don,t belong any more+ -e have a substitute for you+3
The deceased child can,t even keep his or her o"n name+ /n many families such children are
neither counted among the children* nor are they mentioned+ Their fundamental right to belong is
in.ured and denied to them+

uch so called morality* especially "hen some members believe they are better than the others
and place themselves above them* is really the message* 3-e have more right to belong than
you do+3 Or "hen "e speak badly of other members and treat them as if they "ere bad* "e are
telling them* 32ou have less right to belong than "e do+3 /n such situations* 3good3 means only
that / have more right to belong and 3bad3 means that you have less right to belong+

$!cluded "e"#ers are represented

The fundamental dynamic in family systems that all members have an eual right to belong does
not tolerate in.ury+ -henever someone in a family system is e&cluded* a need arises in the
system for compensation+ This compensatory dynamic leads to the e&cluded or disdained
member being represented by a younger family member "ho is una"are of and helpless against
the identification+

For e&ample* a married man fell in love "ith another "oman and told his "ife that he didn,t "ant
to have anything more to do "ith her+ He invented superficial and capricious reasons to .ustify his
actions* compounding the in.ustice done to his "ife+ He later had children "ith his ne" partner*
but his daughter fought him tooth and nail for no apparent reason+ /t turned out that she
unconsciously represented his first partner and felt to"ard her father the same hate his first "ife
must have felt* but she didn,t even kno" of the e&istence of the first "oman+ /n this* "e can see a
hidden systemic compensatory force at "ork* avenging the in.ustice done to the earlier member
by unconsciously enlisting a younger member+

uch serious dysfunction in families6behavioural disturbances in children* but also illnesses*

proneness to accidents and suicidal behaviour6occur "hen children unconsciously represent an
e&cluded person and seek to satisfy that person,s need for restitution+ This sho"s a second
characteristic of conscience of the family system+ /t secures .ustice for the earlier members and
causes in.ustice for the younger+

esolution

2ounger family members can be released from such entanglements "hen the fundamental order
is re6established* "hen the e&cluded members are taken into the family again and given due
respect+ For e&ample* the second "ife can say to the first* 3/ have this man and you pay the price+
/ respect your loss* and / ackno"ledge that in.ustice "as done to you+ / ask that you please be
friendly to me and to my children+3 -hen they are authentically spoken* such sentences honestly
name "hat has happened and pay the first "ife due respect+ /n family constellations "e often
observe ho" the first "ife,s face then softens and she all at once does become friendly because
she is respected+ Her reaction sho"s that she too belongs+

%esolution also reuires that the child representing the first "ife say to her* 3/ belong only to my
father and my mother+ -hatever is bet"een all of you is none of my business+3 !he can also say
to her father* 32ou are my father and /,m your daughter+ 7lease look upon me as your daughter+3
These sentences too* authentically spoken* restore the fundamental order+ The father can look at
his daughter and need not see his first "ife in her* and need not meet in her the hate and grief
that his first "ife must have felt+ 0nd if he still loves his first "ife* he need not see his lover in his
daughter+ He can look at her and see and love his daughter+ The daughter is freed to be merely a
daughter* and the father* a father+

The child can also say to him* 3This is my mother+ /,m not related to your first "ife+ / claim my
mother+ !he,s the only one for me+3 0nd she can say to her mother* 3/,m not related to the other
"oman+ /,m not connected to her in any "ay+3 0s long as she represents the first "ife* her mother
may unconsciously see the other "oman in her* and she and her mother may get into conflict "ith
one another as if they "ere rivals+ -hen the daughter says* 32ou are my mother and /,m your
daughter+ / have no connection to the other "oman+ / claim you as my mother+ 7lease* take me
as your child*3 she restores the basic order+

/n.uries to the eual right to belong are also the cause of much more serious entanglements+ For
e&ample* "hen a child dies young in a family* the other children tend to feel guilty that they still
are alive "hile their brother or sister is dead+ /t,s as if they believe that they have an advantage
because they are alive and that their sibling is disadvantaged because he or she is dead+ They
are tempted to compensate by unconsciously arranging to fail* by becoming ill* or in e&treme
cases* by "anting to die themselves* although they don,t kno" "hy+

/n situations like this* some children have been able to restore the order of love by telling their
deceased sibling* 32ou are my brother (or sister)+ / respect you as my brother (sister)+ 2ou have a
place in my heart+ / bo" my head to you and to your fate* "hatever that "as* and / accept my fate
ho"ever it comes+3 These sentences pay respect to the deceased sibling* and the living child can
turn to"ard life "ithout guilt+

%agical #elief syste"s and their consequences

Behind the need for reciprocity "hich causes illness* a magical belief system "orks its mischief+
4amely* that "e can release those "e love from their suffering and misfortune "hen "e take it
upon ourselves+ For e&ample* the child,s soul often tells her terminally ill mother* 3/,d rather be ill*
than have you suffer+ /,d rather / die myself than have you die+3 Or "hen a mother is being pulled
a"ay from life by systemic forces* it sometimes happens that a child commits suicide in the
magical belief that her sacrifice "ill free mother free to stay+

0nore&ia often has this dynamic+ 0n anorectic child slo"ly shrinks a"ay* until it dies+ /t uite often
turns out to be the case that in the souls of such anorectic children* they are saying to their father
or mother* 3/t,s better if / disappear than if you go+3 This is a deep* innocent love* but "hen the
child dies* "hat does it accomplish5

-hen / "ork "ith an anorectic child* / let them speak these soul6sentences out loud+ They can
look the representatives of mother or father in the eye and tell them* 3/,d rather disappear myself
than let you go+3 -hen a child looks at her mother or father until she really sees them* she can,t
say the sentences* because she sees that her parents "ill be devastated by her death+ The
child,s magical belief system totally ignores the fact that the parents also love* and that they
"ould vehemently re.ect such a sacrifice+ 0nd it also ignores the fact that such a sacrifice "ould
be useless+

-hen a mother dies in childbirth* her child has a hard time fully embracing life+ /t helps "hen such
a child can look her mother in the eye and say* 3other* / see the terrible price you paid that /
may live+ / accept the life you gave me* and / "ill make something good out of it+ %est in peace*
kno"ing that / "ill live so that your sacrifice is not in vain+3 0ccepting life in this "ay is love at a
higher level than the blind love that has the child6soul say* 3other* / can,t live fully because you
died+ / feel too guilty+3 Love at a higher level demands that "e relinuish the magical belief that
"e can change the course of our parents, lives for the better "hen "e sacrifice ourselves+ /t
demands that "e transform the blind love "hich creates and perpetuates suffering into a love
"hich heals+

agical belief systems and the child6love that goes "ith them are coupled "ith inflated feeling of
po"er and superiority+ 0 child really does believe that its illness and death can liberate mother or
father from illness and death+ True humility is "hat makes it possible for us to lay do"n such
inflation+

%en and wo"en

/,d like to turn no" to the Orders of Love in relationships bet"een men and "omen+ This is a
theme "hich is very close to us+ any people are ashamed* as if this "ere something to be kept
secret+ -hat makes men and "omen different* really different* is often carefully hidden+ Or* "e

could say
shame1 that
the is it protected+
shame /t is aapoint
"hich protects "here
treasure "edefilement+
from are most easily "ounded+
/t is also /t is"here
the point the home of
"e feel
most vulnerable+

!ometimes people talk disparagingly about 3the human se&ual drive3 and they forget that this is
the fundamental force* the deepest force* that guides life and guarantees its continuation+ /t is a
force that enlists us in its service "hether "e choose or not+ /f the decision marry and have
children really "ere a rational decision* no one "ould do it+ 7eople do so because of the po"er of
nature,s creative force e&pressing itself in our se&uality+ Through this drive* "e are in deepest
accord "ith the soul of the "orld+ The se&ual drive is the greatest reason+ 0ll other motives and
rational considerations pale in comparison to the force behind this drive+

The first reuirement of the Orders of Love bet"een men and "omen is that the man admits that
he is missing and needs "hat the "oman is* and that no matter ho" hard he tries* he cannot
achieve "hat the "oman already has+ 0nd love reuires that the "oman admit that she is missing
and needs "hat the man is* and that no matter ho" hard she tries* she cannot achieve "hat the
man already has+ That means that both feel incomplete* and that they ackno"ledge that+

-hen a man admits that he needs a "oman* and that he becomes a man through her* and "hen
the "oman admits that she needs a man and that she becomes a "oman through him* then their
mutual need binds them deeply* one to the other+ 7recisely because they ackno"ledge their need
for one another+ 0nd this bonding bet"een man and "oman allo"s the man to receive the
feminine from his partner as a gift* and the "oman to receive the masculine from her partner as
his gift to her+
/n some circles* men are encouraged to develop the feminine in themselves and "omen the
masculine* believing that this is good+ But imagine the bond bet"een a man "ho has developed
the feminine in himself "ith a "oman "ho has developed the masculine in herself+ Because they
do not need one another* ho" deep can their relationship become5 But if both resist the
temptation to develop the gender opposite in themselves* then their need for one another holds
them together+
Bonding #etween "en and wo"en

-hen a man and a "oman take one another in the full sense of man and "oman* then the
consummation of their love creates a bond bet"een them "hich cannot be dissolved+ This bond
is very different from the moral teachings of various churches about the indissolubility of
marriage+ The consummation of love in this sense creates a bond irrespective of marriage and
irrespective of any rituals or ceremonies+

-e recogni$e
leave a partnerthe e&istence
"ith "hom theyof this
arebond through
bonded in thisits"ay*
effects+
thenFor e&ample*
have if people
difficulties ho"
holding anyfrivolously
ne"
partner+ The ne" partner senses the bond and is neither free to lay claim to the ne" partner* nor
to become completely open and vulnerable+ For e&ample* a "oman secretly felt that she "as
better than her ne" husband,s first "ife* and "as convinced she could make him much happier
than the first "ife had done+ 4evertheless* after a fe" years* she became incapable of intimacy
"ith him+ /n this "ay* she unconsciously ackno"ledged his bond to his first "ife* and her o"n
loyalty to the first partner as "ell+ !he too lost her husband* .ust as the first "ife had done before+

/n family constellations* "e often observe that a second "ife keeps a little distance from her ne"
husband* as if she cannot take him fully because he is already bound to another+

-e also can recogni$e the depth of the bond by its effect+ 0s a rule* the end of the first love is the
most difficult* and it is the most painful+ !eparation is usually easier "ith the second bond* and
still easier "ith the third+

This bonding is not the same as love+ /t sometimes happens that the bond is very deep* even
though there is little love* or that there is great love and little bonding+ Bonding is created by the
physical act of se&+ For this reason* it very often occurs "ith incest and rape+ /f a victim of rape or
incest later hopes to bond deeply* he or she must deal "ith the first bond in a good "ay+ The
negative effect of the first bond softens "hen it is ackno"ledged and the first partner* although
perhaps a rapist* is given due respect+ -hen the first bond is hated and treated as something
vile* it impinges on the ability to bond again later in better circumstances+

Hierarchy

The fruit of the love bet"een a man and a "oman are their children+ There is also a hidden order
"hich supports love among children* their order in the family hierarchy+ The family hierarchy
follo"s the flo" to time* that is* those "ho "ere there first come before those "ho come later+ /n a
family* the parents "ere there before the children+ Their love for one another as man and "oman
founded the family* and came before their love for their children as parents+ /n some families* the
children attract the full attention of both parents+ /n such families* the parents are no longer first
and foremost a couple* but rather first and foremost parents* and their children usually suffer+

-hen parents, love for one another as man and "oman retains its priority* children usually feel
very comfortable and satisfied+ /n families like this* the father is implicitly communicating to his
children* 3/ see you as you are* but / also see your mother in you* and in you* / love and respect
her more than ever+3 0nd the mother communicates to the children* 3/ see you as you are+ But
seeing you reminds me ho" much / love and respect your father* because / see him in you as
"ell+3 0nd the parents communicate to one another* 3-hen / see our children* / love you and
respect you more than ever+3 Then the parents, love for their children is a continuation of their
love a couple* but the parents, love for one another retains its precedence* and the children feel
free+
any families today are second or third families+ For e&ample* "hen the man and the "oman
"ere in previous relationships and bring children into the ne" relationship+ -hat is the order of
priority then5

The parents "ere the parents of their children before they "ere a couple+ Their love for their
children is not a continuation of their love for one another as man and "oman* because they "ere
parents before they "ere a couple+ /n situations like this* the ne" partners must recogni$e that
the love to the children came before the love to the ne" partner and that the greatest love and the
greatest attachment flo"s to the children6and naturally in the children* to the previous partner as
"ell+ Only then* at the end of the chain* does the love and attachment flo" to the ne" partner+ /f
both partners accept this hierarchy of love* then their love can flourish+

But "hen one or the other of the ne" couple says to the other* 3/ "ant to come first* before your
children*3 then their ne" love is .eopardi$ed and cannot long endure+

-hen a couple bring children into their ne" relationship and then have children together* the
seuence is that they "ere first parents of the srcinal children* then a couple* then parents of
their children together+ #ouples "ho respect this natural seuence of time and its relevance for
their relationships can avoid and resolve a great deal of conflict in partnerships+

!o* / have briefly outlined a fe" of the more important orders of love that "e have observed
operating in relationships bet"een men and "omen+ /n passing* it may be useful to say that there
are also orders of love for couples "ithout children* including homose&ual couples+

/n conclusion* / "ant to tell you a story about love+ /t is called T"o ood Fortunes+

Two Good Fortunes

Long, long ago, when the gods still seemed close to us, two singers named Orpheus lived in a
little town.

One of them was the (reat Orpheus. )e invented the *hithara, a kind of guitar, and when he
plucked the strings and sang, the whole of nature around him was spellbound. The wild animals
lay at his feet, the tallest trees bent down to hear. +othing could resist the power of his music.
nd because he was so great, he courted the most beautiful of all women. That&s when his
trouble started.

The beautiful -urydike died during the wedding festivities, and Orpheus& cup, raised high, broke
in his hand. "ut for the (reat Orpheus, death was not the end. #ith the help of his great art, he
found the entrance to the underworld and descended into the realm of shadows, crossed the river
of forgetting, passed the hounds of hell, and appeared alive before the throne of the god of death
and touched him with a song.

eath set -urydike free, but with a string attached. Orpheus was so happy that he didn&t notice
the malice in this boon.

)e started back and behind him he could hear the footsteps of his beloved. They safely passed
the hounds of hell and crossed the river of forgetting and began to climb toward the light which
they could see in the distance. !uddenly, Orpheus heard a cry/-urydike had stumbled. 0n panic,
he turned and saw the shadows of the night fall, and he was alone. "eside himself from pain, he
sang his parting song, 1+ow 0&ve lost her. $y happiness is gone forever.1
)e managed to get back to the world of light, but his eperiences in the realm of the dead made
life seem strange. s drunken women invited him to go with them to the festival of the new wine,
he refused, and they tore him living limb from limb.

!o great his unhappiness, so useless his art. "ut, he is known in all the world.

The other Orpheus was a smaller man. )e wasn&t a great musician. )e sang at little parties and
played for simple people. )e wasn&t very successful, but he made them happy and he had a lot of

fun. )e couldn&t
woman make
that wasn&t a special
very living singing,
and hadsochildren
he got an jobweren&t
that that wasn&t very special,
very special either.married an
)e committed
small and ordinary sins from time to time and was just about as happy as everyone else. )e had
a very ordinary life and died old and satisfied with life.

"ut, no one knows him // ecept me.