“Just write what you feel”. Those were the words I heard when I was 10 years old.

Having a pen
is just normal for a 10-year old kid but not until my demanding teacher asked me to write an
essay as an entry for Buwan ng Wika. I didn't know what to do during that time but I was more
than happy and surprised to know that I ranked first in that competition. That was not the last
chance for me to write something. My adviser asked me to write a poem that'll be read to the
whole school for the culminating activity of the English month. Years passed by and I did not
write any article for such a long time because my teachers hooked me into declamation and
speech at the young age of 12. After those events, my writing and oral presentation stopped. I
focused on studying because writing and oral presentation were just obligations for me. So why
would I waste such effort and time?

My first year in Junior High School turned my world upside down. Our school followed the
Dynamic Learning Program, a type of teaching which was very unique because the teachers were
obliged to discuss the lessons for only five minutes and activities per subject would follow which
were most of the time, essays. A certain force drove me to join the club of journalists in our
school, The Wheel. I was just a 7th-grade contributor who competed with the different
Archdiocesan schools in Pampanga during the Cluster 8 Press Conference (CSPC). Luckily, I
was one of the radio broadcasters whose team won an award. Comes the next year, I became the
literary editor of the team who again competed in the CSPC under the Science and Health
category and fortunately, I won as the champion so I competed for the Division level. I ranked
5th place during the DSPC and in 9th grade, I became the Associate Editor of the team. But it's
not what like you thought. I was the most irresponsible Associate Editor because I felt like my
Editor-in-Chief, Xylo Isip, knew how to handle the team and he no longer needed me. When he
graduated, I became the Editor-in-Chief of the team and I was so willing to fight for my team, for
the pride of the school, and for the rights of my co-writers who were discriminated back then. I
did not win any division-qualifying award but at least I ranked 7th in the Feature Writing
category.

At the age of 16, I realized that I was no longer writing for an obligation nor for the school but
for myself. There was a knight in shining armor who came into my life and turned my black-
inked pen into a pen of different vibrant colors. I started writing letters, poems, and essays which
reflected the meaning of love for me and the love I was so willing to give him. Every word
showed how my eyes gleam, how I smile, and why my heart’s so filled with genuine happiness.
He supported me with my writing journey so I joined the Angelicum team, the official school
publication of senior high school department at Holy Angel University by the time I transferred
there to pursue my studies.

However, my prince left with his horse. That was the time when I suppressed myself so much.
People say, if you can't say what you feel, write it. But the thing came differently for Nika. It was
like my prince charming brought me to the peak of the mountain to leave me there so I threw my
pen away. What else will I do with something I can no longer use, right? However, while I was
alone roaming around the mossy forest of the mountain where he left me, finding the way down,
finding the escape in this dark forest, finding the ways to stop the voices from haunting me, I
found my pen. Everything felt very heavy like sadness suffocated me so I decided to write my
feelings on my whole body. I was looking for my way out when I realized that everything written
on me was just nothing but anything dark, heartbreaking, depressing, and everything was just
very diverse from what I used to write about before he left me. Rain fell hard and the sun blazed
as if it was its last time to shine. I looked around and saw how beautiful the forest was. I saw my
body and realized that the ink has been washed off my body. The heavy rains (problems),
brought me something good as if I was refreshed and renewed. I was so dumb for living inside
the box and not looking at the brighter side of life. I grabbed my pen because I was so
enthusiastic to write these things down but I pity myself because I can't even write a single word.
I didn’t know where to begin, how to begin, or what letter should I write first. I was not able to
express myself. So, I decided to walk and walk until I reached the age of 17.

In 12th grade, all of my written works were filled with nothing but darkness and hopelessness. I
thought I won’t be able to rise from the ground where I fell so hard that I forgot who I really was.
I forgot the Nika who used to write essays, poems, articles, and motivational letters to those who
wished to be writers like her. I totally forgot not only myself but also the way on how I should
love myself.

In the 4th month of the academic year, someone gave me a pen- Ms. Jade Victoria, our Creative
Writing teacher to be specific. At first, I didn’t know how to use that pen because it was filled
with color-changing ink and sparkling dust-like particles. However, as time went by, I managed
to use the pen. I managed to write poems showing inspiration, articles reflecting positivity, and
stories with happy endings. I don’t know what that pen did to my hand for it to write things like
that but one thing’s for sure, that teacher did something to my heart. She showered it with love
and positivity that’s why the ink from the pen I used also released the same thing. I thought I
found myself again because I was able to retrieve the strength I lost along the way, I was able to
write again, and I was able to give motivation to other people. But, while writing this output
using the pen Ms. Victoria gave me, I realized that I did not found myself again because this is
my new self now. I was reborn in the age of depression and darkness to be an inspiration to those
who felt hopeless like I did before, to be a light to those who were finding the way out of the
dark like how I used to walk and trip in that path before, and to be an eye-opener for those who
were blinded by too much joy or too much sadness. But if there’s one thing that never changed
about me even though this is the new version of myself now, that’s me being a writer. I may not
be a writer since the day I was conceived in this world but I was a writer since the day I knew
what obligation meant. My obligation turned into a hobby and that hobby turned into a passion.
Now, that passion is and will forever be my inspiration to continue writing even if there are times
when I feel like I’m running out of ink. Even when there are times when I feel as if the pen
weighs a ton. Even when there are times when I feel like my hands are too tired to write. Even if
I feel like I’m not good enough to share my writings. Even if I feel like I don’t deserve to be the
owner of this pen. Because this is now the 18-year old Nika. This time, Nika will fall down but
she'll rise up again. She will use her pen as her magic wand to bring change in this world. Maybe
people are asking questions like, “Why is she so persistent in writing?” and “What benefits can
she attain from it?” Well, it is because I am a writer with a heart and as a writer, I don’t believe
in what my Elementary teacher told me back then because I know to myself that I write not only
to express what I feel but also what I want to feel.