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The A to Z of Practical Wisdom

by

Lorraine Hockley

ISBN: 0-7443-1890-4

Copyright 2010 by Lorraine Hockley

All Rights Reserved

Published by SynergEbooks
http://www.synergebooks.com

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 DEDICATION

To my husband, Gary
You are my strength and my comfort

To my beautiful daughters, Olivia and Kirsten

I am so very proud of both of you

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 TABLE OF CONTENTS

WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK

1. ACCEPTANCE: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

The small stuff…The big stuff…The river...The Serenity Prayer

2. BALANCE: HOW DO I ACHIEVE IT IN MY LIFE?

Juggling balls…Taking inventory…HALT technique…Less is more

3. CHOICES: CAN I REALLY CHOOSE THE LIFE I WANT?

Expectations…Themes…Choose fun!

4. DEATH: IS IT THE END OF ME?

Fear of death…Proof of life after death…Awareness of your
mortality…Legacy

5. EMOTIONAL PAIN: WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD?

Fear…Depression and obligation…It will pass

6. FAITH: CAN THE IMPOSSIBLE HAPPEN?

Courage…Trust

7. GRATITUDE: AM I A GRATEFUL PERSON?

Attitude of gratitude…Serenity…Humility…Learn to be grateful

8. HAPPINESS: WILL I EVER BE TRULY HAPPY?

Happy habits…Give your self permission

9. INTUITION: AM I LISTENING TO IT?

Three sources of intuition…The power of insights

10. JUDGMENT: WHO AM I TO JUDGE PEOPLE?

Judging by appearance…The ‘compare and compete game’

11. KNOWLEDGE: DO I REALLY NEED IT?

Children…Adults…Knowledge in your twilight years

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12. LIFE PURPOSE: WHY AM I HERE, ANYWAY?
Experience…Unique talent…Values and contribution

13. MONEY: WHY DOES IT RULE MY LIFE?

Consumerism…Currencies…Contribution

14. NEGATIVITY: HOW DO I OVERCOME IT?

Sabotage behavior…Media influence…Harmlessness

15. ONE GOD FOR ALL: WHO OR WHAT IS GOD?

Getting to know God…God in action…One world religion

16. PERSEVERANCE: HOW CAN I FACE TOMORROW?

One day at a time…Quitting is not an option…Hope

17. QUALITY OF LIFE: HOW DO I GET IT AND KEEP IT?

Remove tolerations…Life review…Hopes and dreams

18. RELATIONSHIPS: WHY CAN THEY BE SO DIFFICULT?

Self Love…Conditional relationships…Letting go of toxic
relationships

19. SELF-ESTEEM: WHY DO I WORRY ABOUT MY APPEARANCE?

Body image…Personal style…Inner being

20. TIME: WHY IS THERE NEVER ENOUGH?

Priorities and planning…Buffer zones

21. UNCERTAINTY: HOW DO I COPE WITH IT?

Be proactive…Creating natural rhythm…Clubs and networks

22. VALUES: WHY ARE THEY IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE?

Definition of values…Identifying your values…Live your values

23. WISDOM: WHAT IS IT, AND DO I HAVE IT?

Knowledge…Experience…Awareness

24. THE X FACTOR/ACTION: HOW CAN I MOTIVATE MYSELF?

Discipline…Minimum standards…Rituals…Rewards

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25. YOU MATTER: WHY DO PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME?
Boundaries…Neutral communication…Support crew

26. ZEN: CAN I EXPERIENCE A DEEPER REALITY?

Meditation…Mindfulness…Nature

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 WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK

I am just an average person, a wife and mother. I am not a guru, nor do I follow
one. I don’t have a particular religious or spiritual belief system yet I believe in
God.

What I care about, passionately, is making this journey called life as painless, as
joyful and as successful as possible – for me, for my family, and for as many
people as I can help along the way.

You may not believe or accept some concepts in this book and that’s fine. But if
there is even one thing you read within these pages that lightens your load just a
little, then the book was worth writing.

I meant for this book to be practical. I am tired of reading ‘airy fairy’ books with
little substance and no strategies for improving our lives.

That is how The A to Z of Practical Wisdom came to be. Now it is up to you what
happens next…

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 ACCEPTANCE:
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the window.
(Ashleigh Brilliant)

Acceptance is about allowing life to unfold. Allow people to develop at their own
rate, in their own way – that is how they learn. Meanwhile, you learn tolerance
and patience. Allow experiences to happen with little interference. There is so
much you don’t know; trusting the Universal Plan is the greatest acceptance of
all.

* * *

Have you noticed that you only question fate when it is something you don’t want
to happen? When your car is dented or your house burgled, the first thought is:
‘Why me? It’s not fair’. Yet if you win the lottery, you think: ‘Fantastic! I deserve
this good luck’.

Acceptance is recognizing that our growth comes from surviving the tough times
and remaining humble when our boat comes in. It is a sign of emotional maturity
when you can practice acceptance no matter what is happening in your life.

Every day you are given a blank canvas, a brand new day full of endless
possibilities. Even if you have issues from the day before, they will not be exactly
the same today. You have the choice to shape your attitude, to turn resentment or
self-pity into acceptance.

Acceptance: The Small Stuff

Many years ago, I read a story in the Reader’s Digest: I have never forgotten it,
although the details may have blurred with the passing of time.

A man with a large family dreamed of having a den one day; his own private
space that no one would invade. At last the front door closed after the eldest child
left home (who, of course, was dearly loved and would be missed). The man
rubbed his hands together with glee. ‘Now I will have my den.’

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Within weeks, the man’s elderly father became ill and needed long-term care. The
man didn’t hesitate: he moved his father into the vacated room he had set aside
for his den. He made his father comfortable on the first night, and as he turned to
leave the room, he had a flash of insight. ‘This is my life, right now, not how I
want it to be one day.’

The man saw that fate always had a path mapped out for him, but his fantasy den
prevented him from appreciating it. His dream was for privacy and a quiet life.
His reality was being a pivotal person in a large, busy, loving household. The
insight brought the man acceptance and peace.

I think about that man and his long-awaited den when I am yearning for overseas
travel or a new car. It helps me to focus on accepting what is right under my nose:
a comfortable house, good food, a wonderful husband and healthy children. I may
get to travel, buy a new car, or I may not. It doesn’t matter.

Acceptance: The Big Stuff

When she was younger, Marguerite had a stillborn baby and she nearly died.
Sadly, it left her infertile. Today, Marguerite is a dynamic education expert; she
has poured her energy into improving the education of children and her work is
attracting international interest.

Other women may have been sad and bitter for years at being infertile. Not
Marguerite. She took the hand life dealt her and used it to make a difference in
the lives of thousands of young people. Turning adversity into triumph is
acceptance at its highest level.

The River

Lack of acceptance is like trying to swim against the current in a river. You battle,
you curse – you may even get frightened – but you will make no progress. In
your heart you know it would be easier to give up and go with the current;
however, you have your own agenda and will not be swayed.

Life has a natural flow; it is the Universal Plan in action. When you swim with
that flow, everything that is meant to happen will happen, quite naturally. All you

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need to do is just float with the current and it will carry you to your rightful
destination.

If you are feeling out of sorts, I guarantee that you are fighting against the current.
Your dissatisfaction will escalate until it screams for attention, by which time you
(and everyone else) will be frustrated, resentful and exhausted. There is an
answer…

The Serenity Prayer

Go to a quiet room and breathe slowly and deeply until you feel calm. Then apply
The Serenity Prayer to the situation until you reach acceptance:

‘God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change’ (My teenage
daughter’s bedroom looks like a tip site), ‘courage to change the things I can’ (I
will pick a time when she is in a good mood and have a quiet chat) ‘and the
wisdom to know the difference’ (the messy room is a minor issue; thank goodness
it is not drugs).

Acceptance deserves to be the first chapter of this book because without

acceptance life can be a monumental struggle. Make a decision today to reach
acceptance on just one unresolved issue in your life. Then let that issue go and
feel the peace.

Let nothing disturb thee, let nothing dismay thee, all things pass.
(St. Teresa of Avila)

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 BALANCE:
HOW DO I ACHIEVE IT IN MY LIFE?

Living in balance and purity is the highest good for you and the earth.
(Deepak Chopra)

Life is ebb and flow. To function well, you must create a calm, balanced center.
You leave that center to experience life; you return to it for spiritual nourishment.
Look for cues that your life is becoming unbalanced and act immediately. You
were born in a state of perfect balance – you can return to that state any time you
choose.

* * *

“Oh, how I wish I could lead a balanced life!” That heartfelt plea is the reason
most people come to coaching. My assertion that it is perfectly possible to lead a
balanced life is usually met with disbelief. However, there is a crunch: you have
to be willing to make changes. You cannot keep living in chaos and expect order
to magically appear.

You are like a juggler, trying to handle all aspects of your life and keep them in
the air. Based on this imagery, I created a coaching exercise called ‘Juggling
Balls’. It acknowledges the dilemma of how to keep control of everything. The
Juggling Balls exercise is a blueprint for balancing your life, now and on an on-
going basis.

Juggling Balls

Step One: List all the different aspects of your life (juggling balls). Here are some
examples: Marriage, children, career, home, finances, health (physical and
emotional), leisure activities, friends, social contributions, relaxing time, future
dreams.

Step Two: Beside each life aspect, rate how satisfied you are with it at present on
a satisfaction scale (1 = Totally dissatisfied through to 10 = Totally satisfied).

Step Three: Go back and rate each life aspect for where you would like to be on
the satisfaction scale within six months.
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Step Four: List all the life aspects in order, from the biggest gap in satisfaction
level down to the smallest gap. You now have a summary of your present life
situation. It tells you two things:

a) The life aspects that are satisfying and need no further attention (small gaps).
b) The challenging life aspects that need your attention (big gaps).

I bet you mostly juggle with the aspects you are satisfied with. Why? Because
they are easy – they don’t require fixing. Meanwhile, the challenging aspects may
have been languishing on the ground for months, even years. You need to scoop
those neglected juggling balls off the ground and keep them in the air too.

Taking Inventory

So how do you deal with the challenging aspects? That’s where a pen, notebook
and fifteen minutes a week can work miracles. You make the time to catch up
with yourself: take inventory. Set aside a regular slot each week for doing your
inventory – a time when you are not tired, when you can look forward to doing it.

List all the challenging aspects then write a few words about each one. Are you
making progress or are you experiencing setbacks? Write something, anything.
The secret is to connect with the challenging aspects every week so you don’t get
tempted to let them drop back onto the ground, neglected.

List your general wins and challenges of the week. Win: I finally cleaned out the
garage. Challenge: I need more exercise (Schedule ‘walking’ into my diary). Win:
I was tolerant of my son’s loud music. Challenge: I want to meet new people
(Research local clubs). Remember the juggling balls will only hit the ground if
you forget them. Keep at it.

The HALT Technique

If you are feeling out of balance, there is a simple technique you can do to
identify and eliminate some obvious reasons for your discomfort. HALT stands
for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. Let’s look at those factors separately:

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Hunger: When you are feeling irritable, it is possible that your blood sugar has
dropped and you are, in fact, hungry. A quick snack of fruit (especially banana),
bread, cheese or crackers will bring your blood sugar level back up and could be
all that is needed.

Anger: Resentments can simmer in your subconscious, causing emotional

turmoil. The answer is to ferret out all resentments and deal with them so you can
move on with your life. Experiencing balance is not possible while you are
weighed down with anger.

Loneliness: We all need at least one person who understands, loves and accepts
us completely. Your mission is to find such a person and use them as a sounding
board during low times. Don’t carry your burdens alone; share them with a caring
friend.

Tiredness: Many of us live with long-term tiredness. Dealing with chronic

tiredness is a decision: you make time for short rests during the day and you
discipline yourself to go to bed early. The pay-off is that you will have energy
and a sense of calm.

If you have eliminated the HALT possibilities and you are taking regular
inventory, yet you still feel out of balance, it could be that you have become
obsessed with one particular juggling ball. It is fine to put that juggling ball down
for a while so you can restore balance, especially if that ball is affecting your
health.

Less Is More

I have a coaching client, Susan, who is a busy wife and mother of two teenagers.
She had three part-time jobs within the nursing field. Susan loved her three jobs
but was feeling very stressed and tired. And most worryingly, her back was
starting to hurt. We discussed the possibility of her letting go of two jobs but she
was reluctant to do so.

Susan ended up in hospital for six weeks with a major back injury. While she was
lying in the hospital bed, unable to sit, let alone walk, Susan took stock of her
situation. She realized she had been given a wake-up call and that drastic long-
term change was needed to prevent a similar occurrence.

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Susan could not walk properly and was off work for many months. During her
long, slow recovery, we discussed how to pare her life down to the basics.
Susan’s theme for last year was ‘Less is more’. I am heartened that she is
continuing the theme into this year.

Today Susan has just one part-time job and has allowed space for relaxing and
spending time with her family. Sometimes she is tempted to apply for other part
time jobs because she misses the adrenalin of being frantically busy, but when we
talk it through, she can see that it would be a serious risk to her health.

Susan’s story is a dramatic illustration of the importance of keeping your life

balanced. Don’t be tempted to think that you can work at a dizzying pace
indefinitely and get away with it. Invest the time to do less. There are no prizes
for the highest juggling ball.

If we live as we breathe, take in and let go, we cannot go wrong.

(Clarissa Pinkola Estes)

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 CHOICES:
CAN I REALLY CHOOSE THE LIFE I WANT?

For God’s sake, choose a self and stand by it!

(William James)

Learning to make wise choices is why you are here. If you fear making choices,
you fear life itself. There is no going back, there is no standing still, there is only
moving forward – making choices every moment of every day. Listen to your
intuition and you will always choose wisely.

* * *

It is entirely possible to live your life exactly as you want and still satisfy the
reasonable needs of people around you (note the word ‘reasonable’). In fact, if
you don’t live your life as you want, you upset the natural order of the Universe.

Before I explain how choices can be a way of living, meet one culprit that
prevents this from happening: expectations. Many people weaken in the face of
requests from colleagues, acquaintances and friends; they believe they have no
choice but to submit. Let’s look at how to handle expectations and reach a
win/win solution.

Expectations

You receive a phone call from a school PTA member. “I will put you down for
the white elephant stall at the gala next month as usual,” she says. Your first
reaction is to say “No” because you have manned the stall for four years in a row
and you want a break. Actually, you don’t even want to go to the gala at all this
year, but you hear yourself say “Yes”.

You spend the next two weeks deeply regretting your weakness. Why did you say
yes when you really wanted to say no? Because of expectation: you helped on the
stall for the last four years so you are expected to do it again this year. The PTA
member allowed little room for you to discuss alternatives.

When you feel yourself cornered by other people’s expectations, say, “I’ll get
back to you.” Then think, What are my choices here? List all the possible
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scenarios related to the situation, even improbable ones. It’s a brainstorming
session and brainstorming often reveals surprising answers to dilemmas, so take
your time.

Listen to your intuition as you read through the completed list. One option will
strike a chord and lift your spirits – that is your choice of action. Trust your
intuition because it will not put you wrong. Your intuition knows what you really
want to do, while you are being tempted to do what is expected of you instead.

Here are some choices that could be available to you in the gala example:

a) Help on the white elephant stall as usual for the entire four hours of the gala.
b) Job share on the stall with someone, and only do two hours.
c) Help on a different stall for a change.
d) Not go to the gala but send something along for a stall.
e) Not be involved in the gala this year at all.

When you look through the list, you realize that you want to help but you really
do not want to attend the gala. You consider how you can contribute in a way that
makes you happy. Then you get an idea. You’ll make sweets for the baking stall –
toffee, fudge, coconut ice – and you will involve your children so it will be a fun
activity.

You feel confident in your decision so you immediately phone the PTA member
back. You explain that you want to contribute to the gala but not attend, so you
will be sending sweets. The PTA member is grateful for your contribution, thanks
you warmly, and sets about finding someone else for the white elephant stall. It is
a win/win outcome that was only possible because you exercised your right to
choose.

Themes

When you are not content and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel,
it is useful to pull back and examine the bigger picture. What is happening or not
happening in your life? After you make a full life assessment, choose a positive
theme that will change your life for the better over the next six months.

Let’s imagine that your life has become very speedy. You are racing from
appointment to appointment, fuming in slow lines of traffic, never getting
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anywhere on time. You are stressed and unhappy. Examining the bigger picture,
you immediately see that you yearn for peace; you are tired of being driven by
adrenalin.

You decide to choose the theme ‘Serenity’. You write the word on sticky post-its
and place them in prominent positions: bathroom mirror, current page of your
diary, car dashboard. You are constantly affirming to yourself that your theme is
serenity and that you want to live peacefully.

After you affirm your life theme, it is a natural progression to make adjustments
so you can experience serenity every day. Stuck in traffic? You play soothing
classical music. Rushing everywhere? You get up slightly earlier each morning.
Stressed at work? You take a leisurely walk in a nearby park at lunchtime.

Within two months, you are enjoying the benefits of your chosen theme. You
move more slowly, appreciate nature, smile at strangers. Within four months, you
feel rejuvenated and can’t imagine how you endured your old lifestyle. Within six
months, you are settled into your new way of life – all because you chose a
positive theme.

Choose Fun!

Life is serious much of the time: how often do you choose to have fun? You can
choose to do it anytime; it’s just a matter of remembering. Fun can be squeezed
into most busy days and when you enjoy the results of experiencing it regularly,
you’ll look for even more opportunities. What do I mean by fun?

When was the last time you played a children’s game – with or without a child?
Remember old-fashioned games like Old Maid and Pick-up-Sticks? There is a lot
of fun to be had lying on your belly on the carpet, trying to extract the black stick
without moving the green (and the intense concentration takes your mind off
your worries).

When was the last time you swooped on a swing in a child’s playground? What
about having a ‘tickle fest’ with your child or partner? How about watching a
cartoon movie on video with the whole family? Dust off the board games, get
together a party for charades, have a midnight campfire and toast marshmallows:
the only limit is your imagination.

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Choice gives you the freedom to look outside your closely structured life to
experience a whole different way of being. Are you always serious? Attend a
kid’s pantomime. Are you a scaredy-cat? Do a bungy-jump from a tall tower. Are
you self-conscious? Join a speaking club. The possibilities are endless when you
choose how to live your life.

Plunge boldly into the thick of life.

(Goethe)

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 DEATH:
IS IT THE END OF ME?

Death can show us the way…we must live each day as

if it were the only one we had.
(Elisabeth Kubler Ross)

There is no death, only life. Life changes around you every day. New cells
replace old cells in your body; new leaves appear on barren trees. There is no
such thing as permanent decay or the end of existence. All of life regenerates over
and over again, never failing to appear anew in some form. So it is with you.

* * *

There are few certainties in life but death is one of them. We are born, therefore
we die. While birth is greeted with excitement and joy, death is anticipated with
dread and fear. It is part of the same cycle, so why the fear?

Fear of Death

Fear of death is a fairly recent innovation in the history of mankind and is largely
confined to the Western world. In the Middle Ages, European church leaders
decided that if you didn’t repent your sins every week, you would spend eternity
in hell, thus ensuring the long-term security of the church.

The church leaders also introduced the concept of ‘one life’, replacing the Gnostic
Christian belief in reincarnation – that we live many lives. Little wonder many
Western people fear death: if you only have one life and you muck it up, you
could spend eternity in fire and brimstone. Why would you be in a hurry to die?

Eastern religions – which make up the majority of religions in the world – have
always believed in reincarnation. It is no coincidence that death is not feared in
Eastern cultures; it is seen as a natural part of the life cycle. In most native
cultures, a person’s body remains with the family after death and is not consigned
to an impersonal funeral home.

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 Proof of Life After Death

One way to dispel the fear of death is to seek proof that you live on long after you
exhale your last breath. Clairvoyants can make a connection with your loved ones
who have passed on before you. And one day you might receive a visitation or
sign immediately after a loved one dies; it is a wonderful affirmation of life after
death.

Audrey’s beloved brother died when they were both young; she was in her late
teens, he in his early twenties. He was a mountain climber and died in a fall in a
remote area so it was many hours before his family was notified of his death. At
the exact time he died, Audrey woke and saw her brother standing by her bed. He
looked radiantly happy and assured her that he was, indeed, very happy.

Seventy years later, Audrey has no fear of death. Her dead brother’s appearance
assured her of two things: that we definitely exist beyond this lifetime, and that
there is nothing to fear about the dying process. Audrey is now in her late eighties
and knows that when she passes over, her much loved brother may well be
waiting to greet her.

Vanessa experienced the sudden loss of her adored husband from a heart attack.
The night of her husband’s death, she switched on the lights above their bed. The
two lights, one on his side and one on her side, were connected by one switch –
but only the light on her side came on. Vanessa felt the loving presence of her
husband for months after his death, soothing her in her grief.

There are many such stories of people ‘returning’ after death to leave a
comforting sign for loved ones. The purpose of these visits is to shorten the
period of grieving for the one left behind, so they can move on with their lives
safe in the knowledge they will be reunited when they, too, finally pass over.

As for my own death, I hope that my husband will be holding one of my hands.
Just before I take my last breath, I will feel a loved one from the spirit world
gently take my other hand and guide me home. I will not feel lost or alone, not
even for a second. I will literally be handed from one beloved to another, and that
will be my passing.

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 Awareness of Your Mortality

It is helpful to contemplate the fact of your impending death long before the
actual event. Retrieve death from the dusty back shelf and bring it into your daily
life as something that could happen at any time. Contemplating your own death is
not a morbid thing – in fact, it can be quite amusing.

After a weekend retreat on death and dying, I was standing in the shower one
morning and suddenly turned the water to freezing cold. I stood there, gasping
while the icy water rained down on me, thinking: Death could appear like this, a
sudden unexpected interlude in my daily life. Feel the shock factor: it works.

Another exercise I sometimes use is ‘The final day.’ I pretend this is my last day
on earth and I see everything as if for the last time. It is amazing how vivid the
colors in flowers are, how precious the smile of your child when you imagine that
you are seeing it for the last time. It helps me to deeply appreciate the everyday
wonder of life.

When you read about a sudden death, don’t get into the habit of thinking that it
only happens to other people. If you continue to believe this fallacy, when death
does come knocking on your door you will be completely unprepared. The shock
will be ten times worse, because you never allowed yourself to think that sudden
death could touch you.

Movies and news stories contribute to the distancing of death with gory images of
war and terrorist attacks. Instead, the media needs to show death in more ordinary
surroundings. It would help to dispel the fear and mystery surrounding the natural
process of death. Eventually, it would allow our children to grow up unafraid of
dying.

Legacy

There is something you can do today to ensure that death does not find you
unprepared: decide your legacy. Think of three things you want to be known for
after you die. Imagine someone at your funeral says, “What three things will you
remember about him/her?” Here is your chance to provide the answer before you
go!

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My answer to that question is simple:

• I want to be remembered as a loving wife and mother.

• I want to be remembered as a successful author whose books inspired
thousands.
• I want to be remembered as a life coach who made a difference in people’s
lives.

Take five minutes now to decide what your legacy will be. If you are not already
living that legacy, determine to make it happen as soon as possible. Waiting for
‘the right time’ is like saying “I will die when I am old.” Maybe you will and
maybe you won’t.

Death never takes the wise man by surprise. He is always ready to go.
(John De La Fontaine)

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 EMOTIONAL PAIN:
WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD?

Nothing in life is to be feared; it is only to be understood.

(Madame Curie)

Working through emotional pain is how you grow spiritually. Emotional pain is
an unavoidable aspect of life. It has to be faced, experienced and overcome
almost every day. Addictive behavior only prolongs the process – you cannot step
around emotional pain, pretending it does not exist. Face it, experience it,
overcome it and feel peace.

* * *

It used to be that when we talked about pain, we were referring to our bodies and
a physical injury of some kind. Nowadays, we are more likely to connect the
word ‘pain’ with emotions. If someone says, “I’m in a lot of pain right now,” we
assume they are suffering emotionally, brought on by fear and/or relationship
problems.

Fear

Fear has the potential to cause much emotional pain, or it can be the catalyst for
emotional growth. The choice is yours; you will know when the time comes. Jack
Kornfield says, “There is the path of fear and the path of love. Which will you
follow?”

In the last few years of my first marriage, I knew in my heart there was no future
in it, yet I feared the effect a divorce would have on our daughters, so I stayed. I
wasn’t desperately unhappy, but I sensed there was a different, more fulfilling
future for all of us.

Finally, after two years of me procrastinating, fate stepped in and caused the
marriage to end. It was very traumatic; however, my husband and I vowed to put
our daughters’ interests first at all times. Caring for and loving them was our top
priority. The separation happened fairly smoothly and, most importantly, our
daughters adjusted quickly.

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After the separation, I sometimes shook physically as fear overwhelmed me. How
will I earn money to survive? Will I ever re-marry or will I end up a lonely old
woman? What is all this doing to my daughters? Am I a failure at relationships?
There was so much fear, yet even through the fear I caught occasional glimpses of
a rosier future.

I could not see around the next corner, so I put one foot in front of the other and
kept moving. I continued to experience moments of gut-gnawing fear, but I also
sensed a form of divine protection. I had faith that this new path would reveal a
happier, more fulfilling life. It did. Through finding courage to face my fears, I
met my second husband.

My first husband also remarried and our daughters live happily between two busy
households. Both families support them in their sporting and educational
endeavors. My eldest daughter says proudly, “Mum, I always have by far the
biggest family group cheering on the sideline at netball!”

Depression and Obligation

As a life coach, I see clients who are suffering from clinical depression. They take
anti-depressant medication and when they go off it, they feel suicidal. I am the
first to encourage them to stay on medication. Why? Because refusing medication
is a form of martyrdom and life is hard enough without fighting against clinical
depression.

In observing my clients with mild depression, I have come up with a theory – I

see a strong connection between depression and obligation. The mildly depressed
clients are often hooked into fulfilling everyone’s obligations, putting themselves
under enormous pressure. They would never dare say “No” when someone asks
them to do something.

It is an impossible task to satisfy all obligations because you are surrounded by

them: obligation to be the giving parent/partner/friend, to work overtime, to
contribute to community groups, to be involved in your children/grandchildren’s
activities.

What happens when you have a wall of obligations and not enough time to fulfill
them? You find someone to blame: it is the partner/boss/friend/teacher’s fault that

24
you are so stressed. Can’t they see how busy you are? You become full of
resentment, you internalize the anger and it turns into mild depression.

The truth is, you have full control of every second of your day and you can make
a decision to live obligation-free. “Impossible!” I hear you say. “How can you
have no obligations?” What if I change the definition of obligation to read: ‘All
the things I really don’t have time for but I agree to do anyway.’

Geoffrey retired recently and was looking forward to spending time making
furniture: it was his passion. Geoffrey has two adult daughters with children, and
he soon found himself looking after his grandchildren for up to fifteen hours a
week while his daughters worked.

Geoffrey wanted to help his daughters but he also wanted time for his furniture
making, plus quality time with his grandchildren. Geoffrey’s obligation to his
family caused deep resentment for him. In a few months, he became quite
depressed.

I helped Geoffrey see that his daughters were taking advantage of his good nature
and he needed to assert his right to enjoy his retirement and his grandchildren.
Even though he felt guilty, Geoffrey decided he would set a limit of five hours a
week child care. Now he is engrossed in furniture-making and delights in visits
from his grandchildren.

It Will Pass

One of the most important things to realize about emotional pain is that it is
temporary. Whatever angst you are feeling today could well be gone by
tomorrow, next week or next month. If you believe the pain will never end, you
are, paradoxically, contributing to it hanging around. The emotional pain will
pass. It will end soon.

Here is an analogy to consider when you are experiencing a time of emotional

suffering. Think of yourself as the sun and your emotional pain as a cloud. Clouds
pass in front of the sun but they do not interfere with the sun’s ability to shine.
The sun never changes; you essentially never change. Clouds pass by; your pain
will pass, too.

25
Putting emotional pain into context, just remember where you are – planet Earth,
the toughest school in the Universe. Sylvia Browne says in her book,
Conversations with the Other Side: “If you do nothing else but survive your life,
wading and surviving through it, then you’ve accomplished something for God
and your soul.”

The irony of emotional suffering is that the answer lies in asserting your rights,
which can seem a hurdle when your energy levels are low. Make a tiny attitude
shift today. Say “I will do one thing toward being free of emotional pain” then
just go ahead and do it.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
(Kahil Gibran)

26
 FAITH:
CAN THE IMPOSSIBLE HAPPEN?

Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.
(Scandinavian wisdom)

Faith is like your passport – carry it with you at all times as you travel through
life. Remember to keep your faith for the entire journey. When the going gets
rough, do not abandon it; your destination might be just around the next corner. If
all the signposts indicate that you are heading in the right direction, have faith in
the Universal Plan.

* * *

What is faith? It is the invisible force that encourages you to keep going even
when the odds seem overwhelming. Faith lives in the land of miracles where only
the brave and passionate stay for any length of time: everyone else gives up.

Faith acknowledges that ideas materialize for a reason, even if the reason does not
at first appear clear or logical. Do you have an outlandish dream? If you have
such a vision, defend it like a tiger guarding its cub. Ignore all skeptics and
detractors. Your dream is no accident and it is urging you – commanding you – to
make it reality.

Courage

Striding into frontier territory is not for the faint-hearted. When no one around
you will embrace your vision, it takes courage to plow on and see it through. In
the beginning, you may even have serious doubts yourself, but don’t ever give up
because your vision could play a unique part in improving the world.

I have always admired Joan of Arc (partly because I am named after her home
province in France). What I greatly admire about Saint Joan was her enormous
courage in the face of scorn and ridicule. She was only eighteen years old when
she began receiving visions of her mission to unite France under one banner. Few
believed her; many scoffed.

27
Undeterred, Joan forged on, amassing a huge army of peasant men who fought
the English and Burgundians and eventually united France – exactly as Joan
predicted. Joan knew it was part of a much greater plan; she also knew she would
burn at the stake. Little wonder she was beatified six hundred years later. Courage
and faith…

In the 1980’s, New Zealand underwater entrepreneur Kelly Tarlton had a vision:
he wanted to create an underwater sea world in huge abandoned tanks on the
Auckland waterfront. He visualized people walking through transparent plastic
tunnels while sharks and giant stingrays swam around their heads. He was told it
could not be done.

Tarlton ignored the critics and built his underwater aquarium viewing complex.
100,000 people visited in the first two months. By 2005, eight million visitors had
experienced Kelly Tarlton’s ‘impossible’ dream. The aquarium is one of New
Zealand’s top tourist attractions and the unique technology is in demand
internationally. Courage and faith…

Trust

My husband is ten years younger than me and has no children of his own. When
he committed to me, he did so knowing that I would never give him children,
because at forty-five years old I considered my child-bearing days to be well and
truly over. He accepted the situation and he is a wonderful, much loved step-
father.

Early in our relationship, I had a sense that a life-changing event was about to
take place. I realized that I did want to be a mother again and give my husband a
baby. When I told him, he was overjoyed. Suddenly the world was full of cute
and cuddly possibilities.

That was in December 2002. I knew that conception would not happen quickly
because of my age, but I did not anticipate the many years of despair that lay
ahead. It has been a long, lonely journey for my husband and me but we have not
given up.

I have less than a 3% chance of naturally conceiving a baby because of my age.

Yet if I crumble in the face of that statistic, my baby will never have a chance to
be part of the miracle 3%. Hour by hour, day by day, month by month, and now
28
year by year, I keep going because I owe it to my unborn baby, my husband and
myself.

For me, trust is simple: if I was not meant to conceive a baby, I would not be on
this path. There would be evidence to indicate that I am deluded: “Forget it,
Lorraine.” Instead, eight clairvoyants have predicted the birth; all are adamant it
will happen. So is my husband.

I trust, with all my heart, there is a baby waiting to come into our family.
However, the timing for conception is completely out of my hands. I can do
everything possible yet the outcome is in the Universal Plan. All I can do is
believe that my miracle is waiting…

Over a year has passed since then. Now I have come to terms with the fact that I
won’t conceive again in this lifetime and, unbelievably, I am at peace with it. I
can see that it was never about the destination – the baby – rather, it was about
my journey of spiritual growth.

I have learned so much about faith and acceptance these last seven years and I am
proud of how far I have come. I know the soul that was to be my baby will come
in as my grandchild; I look forward to welcoming him or her with open arms and
a loving heart.

Nothing is impossible with God.

(Luke 1:47)

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 GRATITUDE:
AM I A GRATEFUL PERSON?

There is so much to be grateful for that it staggers the imagination.

(Susan Jeffers)

Learn the habit of expressing appreciation for life and all the gifts it offers you.
Every day you are given countless opportunities to grow, through experiences and
people around you. A simple “Thank you” eases your path, opens doors, keeps
you grounded. Gratitude has more power than you can ever know.

* * *

Gratitude is a state of mind. It has nothing to do with your circumstances. You

can be a billionaire and not be grateful for your riches, or you can be a pauper
who is immensely grateful for a hot meal every day from the soup kitchen.

Gratitude fluctuates: the beautiful tree one day can become a leaf-shedding
nuisance the next. That’s why it is important to create an attitude of gratitude –
make a decision to be consciously grateful no matter what is happening around
you.

Attitude of Gratitude

I try to practice an attitude of gratitude and it was put to the test as recently as
yesterday, ironically as I sat down to write this chapter. I received a phone call
from my daughter’s school. She was in the sick room, injured, could I please
come straight away? I felt heartsick and raced in my car to the school.

A boy had thrown a piece of cardboard and it hit my daughter in the eye. My first
reaction was gratitude. Thank God it was not something life-threatening. Thank
God it was not meningitis, where you can lose your child within twenty-four
hours. I was still worried because it was an eye injury, but I stayed calm and
drove her to the hospital.

After seeing a doctor, we had to wait for two hours. I felt enormous gratitude that
her beautiful eyes and her sight were safe. We relaxed and enjoyed rare time

30
alone, joking about the doctors and nurses. Where I had experienced panic, now I
felt peace.

Deep gratitude brings serenity regardless of life circumstances, and gratitude can
be practiced anywhere, anytime. You will know your gratitude practice is
working when you automatically take a grateful approach to any life upset, big or
small.

Serenity

Lynette is a warm, bubbly person in her mid-fifties. She has smoked all her life
and is suffering from terminal lung disease, yet Lynette is one of the most grateful
people I know. Here is an example of how she is using gratitude to get through
her illness:

“I get up very early each morning before people and birds have woken up. I go
into my garden and breathe deeply, as much as I am able, the fragrance of my
beautiful roses. I love my garden, especially early in the morning. I sit on my
garden bench and listen as the birds start their dawn chorus and I thank God that I
am alive. I feel such gratitude!”

Could you be this grateful when each labored breath is agony? Gratitude did not
come easily and Lynette still occasionally has “It’s not fair” days. But Lynette
realized that if she was to have peace in her reduced lifespan, she needed to find
gratitude for it.

Today Lynette’s disease is in remission and she attributes her renewed health to
gratitude.

Humility

I see a connection between gratitude and humility. It is a recent insight, but the
more I contemplate it, the more I like the connection. Humility is a wonderful
quality in a person but it can easily be confused with servitude, or groveling.
Humility has nothing to do with loss of dignity; it has everything to do with
gaining dignity.

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When someone is being naturally humble, they are comfortable in their skin and
do not need to push their ego forward for recognition. “Hey, look at me, aren’t I
great?” It is the person with low self-esteem who feels the need to be
acknowledged in a crowd.

So what does this have to do with gratitude? A humble person is grateful for who
they are and what they have; there is nothing missing in their life. They are not
chasing money or relationships or adrenalin experiences. They are content with
their lot.

Can you think of someone who radiates humility? I think of a friend who used to
be very wealthy but lost her home, family, everything due to mental illness. Sarah
has started her life from scratch and what is most striking about this fresh start is
the humility and gratitude. Sarah lives alone, very simply, and is completely
happy.

Sarah attended life skills courses until she felt ready for a small part-time job. She
was so grateful to be a contributing member of society again. She did not have a
car for a long time, so she learned to appreciate the pleasures of cycling and
walking. When Sarah finally saved enough money to buy a car, her joy was
contagious. All achieved through gratitude.

Learn To Be Grateful

You may be thinking, I am not as grateful as I could be, but I don’t know what to
do about it. As I said earlier, gratitude can be learned, and like any new skill, it
takes time and practice for it to become automatic.

I use this technique when I am feeling particularly resentful over something or

just plain sorry for myself. Write a gratitude list. Write down twenty things you
are grateful for and keep going until you get all twenty.

“Twenty?” you say. “You have got to be kidding.” Remember, you are trying to
create an attitude of gratitude. If you are struggling to find twenty things, how
about, “I didn’t get a parking ticket yesterday”…”I am getting on better with my
father”…”I made an effort with last night’s dinner.” Be creative. There will be
twenty things for your list.

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Learn to enjoy the mellow feeling that comes with gratitude. It is much more
pleasant than wallowing in a mud pond of resentment or self-pity. Also, you will
find that gratitude comes more easily on some days than others. Persevere. Over
time you will come to like the serene humble person that is you.

Gratitude is the heart’s memory.

(French proverb)

33
 HAPPINESS:
WILL I EVER BE TRULY HAPPY?

The most revolutionary act one can commit in our world is to be happy.
(Patch Adams)

There is no secret formula for creating happiness that other people have and you
missed out on. Happiness is your birthright and it is available to you at any time.
Happiness is the natural outcome of living an honest, loving life. It is easy to spot
happy people – they are the light carriers and people are drawn to them like moths
to a flame.

* * *

The happiest person I know was my ten year-old daughter. Before teenage
hormones kicked in, my younger daughter was a joyful little soul whose only vice
in life was arguing, usually over having showers and going to bed. Apart from
that, she beamed, she sang and she danced all day, every day.

Once she was in the bathroom, singing at the top of her voice. Elder daughter,
waiting outside to use the bathroom, called through the door, “Stop singing and
hurry up!” Her grumpy attitude did nothing to dampen my younger daughter’s
happy mood.

I wondered how my younger daughter did it. How is it that she’s always joyful,
no matter what is happening around her? So I asked her, “What makes you
happy? How come you are always able to be happy?” She thought briefly and
said, “Singing.”

I said, “Do you sing because you are happy or does singing make you happy?”

She replied, “Both.” She went on to tell me about other things that make her
happy: people around her being happy… good friends… having fun.

I realized then how simple is this perplexing issue of happiness. It is so simple

that it takes a ten year-old girl to teach us the answer. Happiness comes from
making yourself happy and being around other happy people.

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 The Happy Habits

It would be lovely to have the innocent connection to happiness that most

children do. Unfortunately, we adults have been conditioned to replace natural
happiness with duty. We must do this; we should do that. We bury ourselves
under a mountain of obligation and forget about the things that make us happy.

The answer to emerging from the mountain of obligation – apart from a sturdy
shovel – is to include activities in your daily life that make you happy. It is not
selfish to do things that make you happy because your happiness will have a
flow-on effect. People will be happy being around you.

Start by making a list of five things that make you happy, that you can do or be on
a daily basis. My list: Reading… walking… shower/ bath… hug my family… cup
of tea. Those are the things that never fail to lift my spirits even if the weather is
dreadful.

Now extend the concept into a weekly basis. List five things that make you happy
each week. My list: Watch a DVD with my husband… walk on the beach… eat
my favorite food… sleep-in … read a good book. Those five activities are
guaranteed to make me feel content.

Now monthly (you’re getting the picture). My list: Go on a date with my husband
(movies/dinner)… caravan weekend by the lake or sea… visit loved family
members or friends… shopping trip with elder daughter… café lunch with close
friend.

And finally, a yearly list. My list: Travel overseas (especially somewhere I can
snorkel amongst tropical fish)… meditation retreat… summer caravan holiday
with family… big shopping expedition… start a writing project.

The potential for happiness could already be lurking in your life, unidentified and
therefore unacknowledged. Andrew Matthews says in his book, Being Happy!
“Happiness is a decision.” You can look wistfully on from the sidelines, hoping
that one day you will magically become happy, or you can decide to be happy
today.

35
 Give Yourself Permission

Now that you have identified your daily, weekly, monthly and yearly happy
habits, the next step is to give yourself permission to do them. We have been
conditioned by society to work hard to earn money, leaving little time for
pleasure. Having fun can sometimes be seen as a ‘waste of time’.

When the need to work hard has gone, some people continue to work anyway. I
have several wealthy coaching clients who retired in their fifties after selling large
successful businesses. There is no need for them to ever work again, yet they still
chase business deals. Why? Simply because they have never allowed themselves
to relax and have fun.

Once the clients gave themselves permission to have fun, they discovered the
simple pleasures that happiness brings. Ironically, some of those pleasures do not
involve spending money; for example ,walking the dog on the beach. Each client
experienced immense relief that they were finally able to enjoy life.

The lesson you can learn from them is to include balance in your work/leisure life
now. Happiness is not something to delay until you have paid off your mortgage
or retired – life may have some surprises in store that prevent you from reaching
those goals. There are no guarantees that you will have your health, or even your
life, in twenty years.

Make a decision to start being happy now. Start in a small way, before this day is
over, by doing something that makes you happy. Then move on to make the big
plan for daily, weekly, monthly and yearly happiness. You owe it to yourself
because you deserve to be happy (and if you don’t believe you deserve it, please
read the chapter You Matter!).

When I think of happiness, I think of my younger daughter. I also think of His

Holiness, the Dalai Lama. His sunny smile is an ever-present part of his being, yet
the Dalai Lama lives in exile, separated from the land and people he loves. How
does he manage to always be happy in spite of his difficult circumstances?

I will end with these words from the Dalai Lama’s book, The Art of Happiness.
The fact that this book was reprinted twenty times within four years (1998 –
2001) tells you how important the quest for happiness is for millions of people
around the world. Here is the Dalai Lama’s simple, yet profound, message about
happiness:
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I believe the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness… Identify those factors
that lead to happiness and those factors that lead to suffering… Gradually
eliminate those factors which lead to suffering and cultivate those which lead to
happiness. That is the way.
(His Holiness The Dalai Lama)

37
 INTUITION:
AM I LISTENING TO IT?

The still small voice within is the power that destroys the illusions of this world.
(Joel S. Goldsmith)

Your life journey is much easier when you utilize the one thing that will never let
you down – the loving guidance of your intuition. Diversions abound; it is
tempting to stray from your chosen path. Make sure you connect regularly with
your intuition, which is linked to the Universal Plan, and you will always stay on
track.

* * *

If you are familiar with the story of Pinocchio, you will remember Jiminy Cricket
and his catch cry, “Always let your conscience be your guide.” Jiminy was
referring to intuition, that small voice within that always knows what is best for
you. But do you always listen to that voice?

Maybe you don’t listen because you feel uncomfortable taking advice from a
disembodied echo in your head, especially when it tells you to do the opposite to
what you had planned. Maybe you don’t trust the voice because you cannot see it;
it could be anything or anyone. And that’s an interesting point: what exactly is
intuition?

Three Sources of Intuition

We did not come into this lifetime bereft of a support crew. We were born
surrounded by loving spirits who walk beside us every step on our journey
through this adventure called ‘Life on Earth’. It only seems like we are alone
because we cannot remember our spirit friends. When we are born, we forget our
real life on the other side.

I believe our intuitive messages come from three sources. Our Higher Self (soul)
is constantly guiding us to make the right choices so we stay close to our chosen
path. Our spirit guides keep us on track by popping suggestions into our sub-
conscious mind. And in times of crisis, angels may step in to save us from peril.

38
You could learn to pick out the subtle differences in vibration that identify your
soul, your spirit guides or your angels, but that is not necessary. What you do
want to be able to identify is whether the message is from a loving spirit or a dark
spirit. If the message is loving, helpful and won’t harm anyone, you can trust the
source. Otherwise, don’t.

Dark spirits do exist. They feed off doubt and negativity. You can prevent dark
spirits appearing by saying this when an intuitive message pops into your mind: “I
am not open to any messages from dark spirits. I only receive messages of love
and light.” It may sound silly, but it works, because darkness is repelled by the
light and cannot penetrate it.

Your Higher Self (soul) is trying to communicate with you all the time. The
problem is, it seldom gets a patch of clear space in your mind, which is ticking
over with an endless ‘to do’ list. The secret is to shut off your ticking mind. Even
if you manage just five minutes a day to sit quietly, it will have a big positive
impact on your life.

Your Higher Self will seize the opportunity to communicate with you intuitively
when you are resting. That’s when you will receive messages that will help you in
your daily life – ideas on how to handle work problems, relationship issues, you
name it. If you sit peacefully every day, you will come to know your Higher Self
as your best friend.

Your spirit guides also visit when you are sitting quietly. They pop ideas into
your head, suggesting a particular course of action for you to take. You are
driving into town and a voice says, “Go a different way.” It turns out there was an
accident on your usual route and you would have been delayed for hours. Your
spirit guides can see the bigger picture and provide valuable information to help
your life run smoothly.

Angels don’t have their awesome reputation for nothing. Angels have the ability
to step into life-threatening situations and create miracles. When you read about a
climber surviving a 200 meter tumble down a mountainside, you can bet that an
angel cushioned his fall. It is the same with children emerging unscathed from
fatal car crashes. Miraculous survival, beating the odds, is a sign of angels at
work.

Each one of us comes to earth with our own spirit guides and angels. They are
always there for you, hovering protectively. However, they are unable to change
39
the course of your life because Earth is the planet of free will: your fate is literally
in your own hands. But if you ask for advice, your divine helpers will be there in
a flash. It is always up to you.

The Power of Insights

The Collins Concise dictionary gives this definition of intuition: ‘Knowledge or

belief obtained neither by reason nor perception.’ Their definition of insight: ‘A
penetrating and often sudden understanding, as of a complex situation or
problem.’

I believe intuition is the general tool while insight is the specific information.
When you listen to intuitive messages, you tap into the source of divine love. The
intuitive messages create insights to make your life more fulfilling. In other
words, intuition is the gardening fork for turning over the soil – insight is the
vegetables you grow in the soil.

Insight is a sudden awareness outside your usual mundane thinking. My younger

daughter has many insights, and the depth of her musings is fascinating. When
she was little she was eating breakfast, gazing at the sky through the window
when she said, “Mum, has anyone ever measured how fast clouds travel?” Only
an insightful mind would think of such a thing.

I get insights when I am walking. My mind is at peace and I am open to intuitive

messages, which my thoughts process and turn into insights. My insights are not
scientific as are my daughter’s – they tend to be philosophical. I get insights into
how we connect with each other, especially in a global sense.

Recently, I got the insight that conservative religious politics in America will
have to swing completely to the right before people will cry, “Enough is enough!
We want compassion for our fellow humans and for the earth.” The pendulum
will then swing toward the center, finding a balance between materialism and
social/environmental welfare.

In summary, when you ignore your intuition and the valuable insights it brings, it
makes for a lonely journey. Remember that you have a willing team of divine
helpers at your side at all times. If you live such a hectic, stressed life that you
cannot sense your divine team, s-l-o-w down. Allow them to help you. You will
be very glad you did.
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A moment’s insight is sometimes worth a life’s experience.
(Oliver Wendell Holmes)

41
 JUDGMENT:
WHO AM I TO JUDGE PEOPLE?

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

(Mother Teresa)

Judgment is how you make sense of the world. The trouble is, after you assess a
person or experience, you stop. You settle for seeing the differences. You must go
one step further and apply the insight that comes with judgment. Then you will
see beyond the differences and understand that we are really all the same.

* * *

How easy it is to judge other people’s actions and choices. How difficult it is to
mind your business and concentrate on your own life. Making judgments about
someone is a quick way to fit them into context. However, if you stand back and
be patient, the person will reveal themselves naturally to you over time.

The greatest gift you give another is the chance to live without judgment or
criticism. As a life coach, I am often frustrated because I can ‘see what they are
doing wrong and I know how to fix it’. The lesson is tough: there is no wrong and
nothing needs fixing (unless a person asks for help). There is only life, to be lived.

Judging By Appearance

I had an interesting situation occur at a meditation retreat. I was running late and
burst, breathless, into the meditation room for the first session. It was almost
comical: there were fifteen people sitting cross-legged in a circle, wearing baggy-
knitted jumpers and faded yoga pants. I was wearing a surfer tee shirt and
expensive trousers.

The meditation teacher watched as I sat cross-legged on a cushion to prepare for

the meditation. With an incredulous expression on her face, she asked, “Will you
be able to sit for thirty minutes?” I immediately realized that she had judged me
as a complete novice based on my appearance, whereas I had more meditation
retreat experience than most in the room. I smiled. “Yes, I will be fine,” I replied.

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What surprised me about this incident is how a highly evolved meditation teacher
of thirty years experience could make that mistake. It is too easy to pigeon-hole
people because of their appearance. I have spent twenty-five years studying
spiritual teachings, yet you wouldn’t guess it from my choice of wardrobe.

Here is a story that illustrates how much emphasis we place on judging people by
their appearance:

Rory was a teenager when he lost his sight in an accident. Before he was blind,
Rory was part of a popular crowd.

“My girlfriend was fat and I had a terrible hang-up with the way people looked. It
was all about image: I hated it but I fitted into my group perfectly. I missed out on
spending quality time with my girlfriend because I was constantly concerned
about what other people thought of her. She was lovely, actually.

“The irony now is that I can’t see people to make judgments and that is the best
thing about being blind. Some of my best friends have turned out to be the
roughest, dodgiest-looking bastards! But they’re the most loyal, honest people I
know. Not seeing, to make that judgment, that’s what I needed to do – stop
judging people.”

The ‘Compare and Compete Game’

Society is becoming increasingly competitive, and not just on the sports field.
There is subtle judging everywhere you look: who has the biggest house, newest
car, smartest children. The problem is there are countless ways you can compete
and you cannot possibly win all the different categories – but it doesn’t stop most
people from trying.

“Perspective is what we are in danger of losing,” says Alain de Botton in his

book, Status Anxiety. “We compare ourselves to much richer people or famous
people. Really we should be comparing ourselves to someone in the sub-Saharan
Africa. That’s perspective, but we don’t.”

Good point. For instance, when was the last time you compared yourself with
someone less like you?

43
Judith has three children who are involved in numerous after-school activities.
Her children are widely considered to be the ‘busiest’ children around, which
somehow translates into ‘better’ children. Judith spends hours running them from
one activity to another and takes great delight in judging her schedule the most
hectic.

I spent several years as Judith’s friend. After a while, I grew tired of the
competitiveness and gradually extracted myself. The relief was incredible – no
longer did I feel obliged to field her with a list of my own children’s activities to
prove that they are ‘busy and better’ too. I learned not to judge myself, and
others, based on particular criteria.

The thing to remember about ‘The Compare and Compete Game’: while you are
busy judging the activities of some oblivious ‘victim’, someone somewhere is
doing it to you.

Your life journey is unique. It is about getting to know yourself and enjoying who
you are. The best way to do it is to discover your strengths, your challenges, your
likes and dislikes, your hopes and dreams – and give everyone the same
opportunity to learn about themselves, unimpeded by judgments and
comparisons.

How much easier is it quietly to enjoy, than eagerly to contest! How vastly wiser.
(Benjamin Whichcote)

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 KNOWLEDGE:
DO I REALLY NEED IT?

Your mind is like a parachute: it is useless unless you open it.

(Unknown)

To a mind, knowledge is like fuel to a car – you won’t get far without it. Keep
topping up your knowledge regularly and your options in life will increase
accordingly. Remember two things: knowledge is only useful when you share it,
and self-knowledge is the most valuable knowledge of all.

* * *

If it is known to humanity, you will find it on the Internet. There is a mind-

boggling amount of data circulating in cyberspace, yet every byte of it is useless
if you are not interested in expanding your mind. The key to unlocking the vast
amount of knowledge available is your willingness to get involved.

I have a bias towards knowledge: it is one of my five values. What I have learned
is that gaining knowledge is about training and practice, just as you need to run to
prepare for a marathon. The practice of gaining knowledge can begin very
simply. Be a library person. Be a reader.

Children and Knowledge

It started early with my daughters: I read to them while they were in the womb.
When they were eight months old, they enjoyed sitting with colorful picture
books; when they were two, they could pick out words. By the time they started
school at five years old, they could write their name, recite the alphabet, count to
ten and read simple stories.

When the girls were ten and thirteen years old they were excelling at school.
Their reading level was two years above average; they were articulate, confident
and had enquiring minds. Their teachers told me that it stemmed back to their
early childhood, when they were exposed to reading and writing from a young
age.

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There are many electronic distractions for children – television, DVDs, computer
games and cell phones. Is it little wonder that they sometimes have to be
reminded to read? We have a rule in our house: read for at least half an hour a
day. Both girls often read more than that anyway, but the rule is handy in times of
heavy television watching.

Encourage your children to write in full words, not abbreviated text language.
Ignore the cries of, “Boring, Mum!” Keep their writing skills honed; they will be
rewarded with top grades from teachers. And in years to come they will be
grateful they never lost touch with the rich culture of the English language.

Eat together as a family around the dinner table. Find out what Dad did at work;
ask Mum what interesting things happened to her today; inquire in great detail
about school classes and funny stories from the playground. Show a genuine
interest in, and learn more about, your family. It beats staring vacantly at a re-run
of The Simpsons.

Adults and Knowledge

If you are a busy person, you might be lucky to catch ten minutes of the television
news once a week. It is a challenge to keep up with information and extend your
knowledge. However, if you are committed, you can re-prioritize your life and
make time for it.

Do you read the newspaper? No time? Turn off a mindless TV reality show for
half an hour and read the paper. Instead of watching people pretending to be
spontaneous, find out what is really happening in the world. Pay attention to the
political situation in volatile countries; learn about medical advances; keep up
with economic trends.

Do you read magazines? Ask someone to give you a subscription for your
birthday or Christmas. There is something special about going to the mailbox
once a month and finding your new issue of National Geographic, the Reader’s
Digest or Gardening World.

Be a collector of quality magazines so there is always something to read on a

rainy day.

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Do you like general knowledge quizzes? Get a few friends together for a Trivial
Pursuit evening and have a few laughs while you expand your knowledge base.
Treat yourself to a quality weekly quiz show on television. Buy a quiz book and
have some fun as a family, working out the answers in a team.

Have you ever wanted to live in another country, even just for a few months? I
dream of having a writing sabbatical in Tuscany, Italy. It is many years away;
however, I will start to learn the Italian language and culture at night classes soon.
I often get books on Tuscany from the library. I believe in my dream. Decide your
fantasy and start now.

Knowledge in Your Twilight Years

My friend Eileen is nearly ninety. Physically, she is frail, but her mind is as sharp
as that of a twenty year-old. Eileen is an avid reader; not of light novels, but of
philosophy and world affairs. She keeps up with developments in political hot
spots by watching German television news, and I visit her weekly for updates.

Eileen bought a computer two years ago to stay in touch with her family overseas
by email. She downloads articles from the Internet and is on a mailing list for
sharing information about the future of our troubled planet. Eileen is genuinely
interested in humanity and her extensive reading invites stimulating, humorous
discussions.

Eileen is an excellent example of the benefits of keeping an active mind, of never

losing your thirst for knowledge. She regularly attends philosophical lectures and
workshops and enjoys art festival movies. When Eileen is prompted, she shares
fascinating stories of her past, when technology was not even conceived.

Medical research shows that keeping an active mind right into old age reduces
your chance of getting dementia. Start exercising your brain now. There are so
many ways you can sneak brain exercise into your busy day, even just for five
minutes. Pick up a crossword or sudoku puzzle… add up your budget without a
calculator… read some international news headlines on the Internet.

The way you live your life today is a clear indication of how you will live it in ten
or twenty year’s time. When it comes to gaining knowledge, all you need is the
willingness. Be willing to choose one idea from the many I have suggested and

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start to implement it. Chances are you will come to enjoy it and you will wonder
why you didn’t do it sooner.

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.

(Greek philosopher, Plutarch)

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 LIFE PURPOSE:
WHY AM I HERE, ANYWAY?

To love what you do and feel that it matters – how could anything be more fun?
(Katherine Graham)

You have a unique purpose in being here. Your purpose plays a tiny but vital role
in the Universal Plan. The further you stray from your life purpose the unhappier
you become. When you are closely connected with your life purpose, you have a
sense of excitement and boundless energy. You literally feel on top of the world.

* * *

The biggest quest in many people’s lives is related to finding their life purpose.
What is my special mission? Will I ever know what it is? Yet the solution to the
quest lies within you and it does not require specialist career guidance to uncover
it.

Experience

When clients come to me for coaching to help them find their life purpose, they
often apologize for their diverse, colorful curriculum vitae. It confuses them.
How, they wonder, can a clear direction evolve from all those different jobs and
experiences?

The answer is that the wide range of jobs and experiences prepares you for your
ultimate life purpose, and every single one of them has a role to play in your final
choice of vocation. I will use my own career path as an example.

When I was young, I dreamed of being a magazine journalist. My path started

clearly enough: after I left school, I qualified with a Magazine Journalism
Diploma. However, instead of working for a magazine publisher as planned, I
became a copywriter at my local radio station. So began a thirteen year diversion
into radio broadcasting, with print journalism shelved indefinitely.

49
Throughout my years in radio, I felt I had cheated myself of my rightful career as
a magazine journalist. Yet all the while I was gaining skills I would need in the
future. Radio broadcasting enabled me to learn three different fields of expertise:
copywriting, news reporting and advertising sales. Each had their lessons for me.

As a copywriter, I learned to write succinctly – not a word was wasted – and I

developed my skills as a storyteller, which is the trademark of a good author. As a
news reporter, I gained confidence in approaching people. I also learned to see
issues from all angles with clarity and detachment.

Yet the most valuable learning came from a role I never saw for myself – as a
sales executive. Everything in life is about selling. Whether it is pitching the
notion of a bath to a dirty child or presenting a coaching seminar to one hundred
people, the outcome is the same: you want them to buy your concept. The radio
sales job honed my confidence, which has become a major factor in my success
as a life coach.

Eventually I went on to write freelance for magazines and newspapers, so my

teenage ambitions were fulfilled. Yet the thirteen years I spent in radio were
invaluable to my present vocation as an author/life coach. So don’t devalue
experience – instead see your colorful CV as a stepping stone to the special life
purpose that awaits you.

Unique Talent

Everyone has a gift, a unique talent that is noticeable even from a young age.
Teachers at pre-school said my younger daughter had a gift for numbers and
puzzles. She does math equations for fun and now wants to be a math teacher. I
loved words from a young age and dreamed of being a writer.

Often a unique talent – which is always something you love doing – can be buried
underneath a different life path for years. Philip was a plumber; he wandered into
the profession by accident and stayed for fifteen years. He was deeply dissatisfied
with his job, was drinking a bit much, so he came to life coaching. What new
career could he do?

We looked at Philip’s hobbies and unique talents. Ever since he was a teenager,
Philip loved motorbikes and had always owned one. He enjoyed interacting with

50
people and all aspects of running a business, especially setting up efficient
systems.

Philip realized it was little surprise that he had never enjoyed his job – as a
plumber, he was usually troubleshooting instead of creating solutions. He was
constantly being interrupted so he rarely had quality time to focus on a task. I
helped Philip see that his visionary, entrepreneurial skills could be put to better
use away from blocked drains.

After several months, Philip decided he was ready to try something different. He
left his job and started up a small business, importing specialized motorbike parts
and running motorbike tours around his region, which is renowned for its lovely
scenery. These days Philip says he feels like a new man and springs out of bed,
eager to start each day.

As this story shows, sometimes it takes courage and vision to follow your rightful
path. Yet if you don’t, what choice do you have? You will only become more
dissatisfied and resentful, both of which can lead to depression and/or addictive
behavior.

Values and Contribution

I have developed a formula for helping you to identify your life purpose:

Unique Talent + Values + Contribution = Life Purpose. Here is an inspiring story

that perfectly illustrates this formula in action.

Betty is ninety-five years old. At an age when most women are settled in rest
homes, Betty dons her white lab coat and conducts research in the science
laboratory. Betty has been researching freshwater algae for seventy-five years and
has no intention of slowing down; she is determined to help restore the world’s
algae-choked lakes to health.

There are the three factors in my life purpose formula. Betty has a unique talent
for research. It is her passion and something she would probably do unpaid,
which is a strong indicator of a life purpose. As a child she was probably
fascinated by ponds and lakes.

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Betty has strong values around conservation and her research work honors those
values. Finally, Betty’s research is not vanishing into thin air – she is making an
enormous contribution to the very future of this planet, and will do so until the
day she dies.

Your own life purpose will have the three elements, plus your special mix of job
experience to date. Ask yourself these simple questions:

• What did I used to love to do, think about, as a child?

• What do I value most now; what am I passionate about?
• How do I want to help people, the world?

Then find yourself an enthusiastic life coach or caring friend and explore the
answers – you will be well on the way to connecting with your special life
purpose. Good luck.

When you die and go to heaven, our Maker is not going to ask, “Why didn’t you
discover the cure for such and such?” The only question we will be asked is,
“Why didn’t you become you?”
(Elie Wiesel)

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 MONEY:
WHY DOES IT RULE MY LIFE?

People exaggerate the value of things they haven’t got.

(George Bernard Shaw)

Money is an energy created for us to learn from. Money is not ‘good’ or ‘bad’, it
just is. Do not grasp it tightly, refusing to part with it. Do not spend it recklessly
either. Instead, allow money to flow easily through your life. Live your life
purpose well and a natural outcome will be enough money to sustain you.

* * *

One of the most difficult areas in which to achieve balance is around money. You
work hard to earn it then don’t allow yourself time to enjoy it. And at what point
do you finally decide that you have enough money? Accumulating wealth is a
journey with no destination and it has the potential to consume your life.

If you are struggling to put food on the table, it is a different set of rules
altogether. There are few choices in life when your sole focus is earning money to
feed your family or starve. However, if you could afford to buy this book, you are
a person of average financial means, which allows you to have choices.

Consumerism

Never before in the history of this planet have there been so many things to buy.
Shrewd advertisers invest millions of dollars in their efforts to capture your
attention and your wallet. You would need to be a hermit, living far from
civilization, to avoid being influenced by consumerism.

Will you always be a victim of every new marketing ploy? The answer to that
question comes down to one simple concept: “Do I want it, or do I need it.”
Identifying the difference between your wants and your needs is how you can exit
the consumer merry-go-round. You will save time and money, and advertisers
will hate you!

It takes discipline to separate your wants from your needs, to become a discerning
consumer. I will share an example from my own life. Every day my mailbox used
53
to be stuffed with circulars, advertising everything from avocados to zoo manure.
I read them all. I knew I was wasting a lot of time but felt powerless to stop my
compulsion.

One Christmas weekday I counted fifteen circulars and decided the time had
come to halt the flow of advertising litter permanently. I was angry with myself
for wasting precious time flicking through the brochures. I put a No Circulars
sign on my letterbox and prepared for the discomfort of ‘missing bargains’.

I was amazed at the effect that one small action had on my life. No longer was I
fighting through the junk in the box to find the real mail. No longer was I wasting
time reading brochures. And my spending dropped dramatically because if I
didn’t see it, I didn’t buy it. I was in charge of my purchases and could make
clearer decisions.

Many years later, I still enjoy walking to my uncluttered mailbox. It inspired me

to find other ways to be a discerning consumer. I realized that wandering idly
around shops is a recipe for credit card overload, so now I go into town far less
often. When I shop, I stick to a list. Impulse purchases (which are usually ill-
conceived mistakes) are rare.

Currencies

There is another way to step off the consumer bandwagon: find an alternative
currency to money. When I introduce this idea to coaching clients, their faces go
blank. What other currencies are there? There are plenty, actually. I will use an
example most people can relate to because, apart from money, it is something we
would all like more of: time.

Terry is a self-made millionaire in his early fifties. He worked hard all his life,
mostly in seven-day-a-week businesses, and finally amassed the kind of money
he dreamed of in his twenties. The trouble was, Terry didn’t have an ‘off switch’
when it came to making money. It took deteriorating health and a shaky marriage
for him to seek help.

I suggested Terry focus on a currency that added quality to his life instead of
taking it away. Terry decided that his new currency would be leisure time. He
would ‘spend’ time doing things he had always wanted to do, but delayed while

54
he accumulated money. He would play golf, take weekend trips and travel
overseas with his wife.

After several months of focusing on this new form of currency, Terry is a

changed man. He is stress-free and thoroughly enjoys ‘spending’ his leisure time
playing golf and tramping with his wife. He is training himself not to think in
terms of money, which he found hard at first, but it is improving week by week.

Terry made a currency change, from trading in dollars to spending time on

leisure. If Terry had not made this attitude shift, his pursuit of the almighty dollar
could have led him to an early grave – a pointless end to a hardworking life.
Currency is about finding a way of living that brings in the highest returns in
health and peace.

Contribution

The mark of a financially liberated person is contributing a small amount each

week or month towards the upkeep of someone who lives in abject poverty. It is
too easy to say, “I can’t afford it.” Instead, look at it from a moral angle: “How
can I not afford to do it? I have enough.” If you buy lotto tickets, smoke or drink
alcohol, you have enough.

Our family has been sponsoring an African girl for thirteen years. Kaleni is the
same age as my elder daughter, so it is easy to make comparisons between the
girls’ quality of life.

It shows the glaring contrasts between life in a poor Third World country and life
in a wealthy Western country.

Kaleni lives in a mud hut and has never seen the sea; my daughter lives in an
executive home with a sea view and swimming pool. Kaleni is barefoot and wears
simple cotton dresses; my daughter likes expensive sports shoes and labeled
clothing. Kaleni does school lessons with a slate and chalk; my daughter uses a
computer.

Recently, the organization that we sponsor Kaleni through advised us, very
reluctantly, that they had to put up our sponsorship fees. The fee rise was a small
consideration but ditching Kaleni was not an option. It would be like disowning a
member of our family.
55
Recently, The World Bank reported that half of all humanity lives on less than $2
a day and 30% of the world’s population has still never heard a dial tone. Use
your own dial tone and share the money you are lucky enough to have with
someone much less fortunate than you. The price of a few coffees can make a big
difference to a poor family.

There is no wealth but life.

(John Ruskin)

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 NEGATIVITY:
HOW DO I OVERCOME IT?

Rather light a candle than complain about darkness.

(Chinese proverb)

Keep moving and you will overcome negativity. Positive energy is the answer for
dealing with negative situations and negative people. Negativity is fed by an
obsessed, stuck attitude. Instead, harness the natural forward movement of the
Universe. Is there something wrong? Fix it. You don’t like a situation or person?
Move on…

* * *

You may have heard the expressions ‘glass half full’ or ‘glass half empty’. These
refer to our perception of life as being positive or negative – perception being the
key word. Even though we can always choose whether to be positive or negative,
habit often leads us to perceive life as the half-empty glass.

It takes commitment and patience to change your thinking from ‘glass half
empty’ to ‘glass half full’. It may involve a spring-cleaning of your address book
as you choose to only surround yourself with positive people. The time you invest
in shedding negative attitudes will set you up for the rest of your life.

Sabotage Behavior

I see it all the time with my coaching clients: they work hard, get close to
realizing their dream, then do something to sabotage their progress and end up
right back where they started. A negative attitude prevents them from reaching
their cherished goal. Why do we do it to ourselves? Don’t we want to succeed?

Firstly, you don’t deliberately sabotage your progress. Sabotage is a subconscious

act, destined to be repeated until you bring it into your conscious awareness.
Secondly, chasing dreams and not reaching them is familiar territory, so it is the
place you return to when doubts set in. “See? I knew I couldn’t do it.”

Since she was a child, Carolyn dreamed of being an artist. She pictured herself in
her sunny studio, painting with oils. In reality, she worked long hours in a
57
stressful corporate job. When the stress got too much, Carolyn went shopping. It
didn’t matter what she bought – clothes, jewelry, or food – as long as it took away
her emotional pain for an hour. She had a wardrobe bulging with expensive
impulse buys.

During coaching, Carolyn saw that her dream to be an artist would not be realized
until she dealt with her sabotaging behavior. It stood between her and her dream.
Carolyn found it extraordinarily difficult to face her emotional pain instead of
resorting to an instant shopping fix. There were many ‘slips’ and a lot of tears, but
she persevered.

After a few months of resisting the obsession to shop, Carolyn discovered she
could handle her feelings better. She was saving money and finding the strength
to make an important decision. Finally, Carolyn announced to stunned colleagues
and friends that she was leaving her corporate job to become an impoverished arts
student.

Two years later, Carolyn is a different person. She is relaxed and loves her
artwork. She is using her creativity to design and sew her own clothes instead of
succumbing to the temptation of designer labels. What was the secret to Carolyn’s
transformation? She identified her sabotage behavior and dealt with it once and
for all.

Media Influence

I remember having a discussion with a newspaper editor many years ago. I asked
him why there were not more happy stories in the newspaper. He said, “People
don’t want to read about good news; they want to read terrible things about other
people because it makes them feel better about their own life.”

It is true, you know. Somehow our own problems lessen in magnitude when we
read about the immense suffering other people endure. That expectation has
created a vicious cycle for the media: we want to read tragic news, so they
provide it, so we read it and they continue to provide it. Few people question the
integrity of this situation.

I have a Post Graduate Diploma in Media Studies so I have some insight into how
media construct the general perception of ‘reality’ as we know it. I treat all news

58
stories with skepticism because I know we receive a distorted perspective of
events. It is often slanted to appeal to white middle-class media consumers.

A colored youth beat to death a homosexual middle-aged man who tried to seduce
him. The youth was raised in a poor violent home; the man was a wealthy
television celebrity. When the verdict was read in court, the youth appeared
unrepentant, arrogant even. Naturally, it did not endear him to the average
middle-class television viewer.

Later, the youth’s lawyer said the television reporter superimposed the judge’s
verdict over earlier, totally unrelated, film footage of the youth. The result was a
distorted impression of the youth lacking remorse, further alienating him from
society.

You can help re-dress the negative media ‘spin’ by not accepting news and gossip
stories on face value. Consider alternative perspectives and angles to each story.
Could it be that the person is not as evil as he is made to appear? Is this a real
news story or a piece of sensationalized gossip? Is there a different, more positive
side to this story?

The answer is not to switch off your television and cancel your newspaper, as
some disillusioned people are doing. The answer is to question, question, question
every piece of information presenting as news. Maybe your discerning media eye
can help create long-term positive change in the way we see ourselves.

Harmlessness

The Buddhists have a philosophy that is a soothing balm for all the negativity in
the world today: practice harmlessness. If you are not able to help someone or
change a situation for the better, at least do not make it worse.

A great example of practicing harmlessness is how to deal with gossip. Gossip is

a modern-day scourge because global technology has made voyeurs out of us,
whether we like it or not. A movie star’s calorie-packed lunch in Los Angeles one
month makes for relaxed reading for someone in Lisbon the next.

Gossip is not harmless – it damages the reputation of people who cannot defend
themselves. Practice refraining from juicy gossip about family members or
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friends. If you are not able to actively defend the person’s honor, at least don’t
contribute to the gossip. Preferably walk away. Remember, they will be talking
about you next…

Reducing negativity starts with your own attitudes. Identify and deal with your
sabotage behavior, become a discerning media consumer, practice harmlessness
towards everyone you meet. A positive attitude is contagious so think about
infecting a few people today.

We learn the rope of life by untying its knots.

(Jean Toomer)

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 ONE GOD FOR ALL:
WHO OR WHAT IS GOD?

For the Great Spirit is everywhere; it hears whatever is in our minds and hearts.
(Black Elk)

Life on Earth is a school room where you come for a brief time to learn as much
as you possibly can. Everyone comes, whether Buddhist, Muslim, Christian or
agnostic. You may acknowledge, even worship, God while you are here, or you
may ignore God entirely. No matter. Everyone returns to God when their lessons
have ended.

* * *

“My God is better than your God.” It sounds like two kindergarten children
squabbling over sandcastles, yet every day adults all around the world kill each
other in defense of their notion of God. Religion is not a competition and there
are no winners; only the tragic deaths of innocent women and children.

I believe it is possible to have a close relationship with God without attending

church or mosque. I believe all belief systems have their place and none is better
than the other. And I believe if we accept each others’ religions and beliefs, it
would virtually end all warfare on this planet.

In the twenty-five years I have known God, I have never been affiliated to any
religion, cult or particular belief system. I have taken inspiration from many
quarters, including Christianity, theosophy and Buddhism, without becoming
attached to any one doctrine. Yet my faith in God is unshakable and completely
relevant to my daily life.

Getting To Know God

Why bother with God at all? Well, everything around you was created by
something or someone, and that being has to be enormously powerful to create
entire planets and universes, so it is worth considering the possibility of God just
in case He does exist!

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If you are prepared to seek answers to the big questions related to your existence,
your quest will lead you to God, because God is in the seeking. Be open and your
connection to God will unfold naturally. It’s like a butterfly emerging from a
chrysalis into the sunlight: given a choice, why would you stay in the dark?

We have been conditioned to look outside ourselves to find God, in holy books
and buildings. Instead, you need to look within. When you are ready and
determined to know, you will find the God of your understanding. You will
develop an intensely personal relationship with God that requires no explanation
to anyone.

There is nothing wrong with attending church and enjoying the company of other
church-goers; there can be great comfort in fellowship. However, when a church
suggests that people who don’t share the same belief system are evil, warning
bells should sound loud and clear. God loves each one of us regardless of how, or
even whether, we worship.

Some churches state that if people do not give their lives over to Jesus before the
‘day of reckoning’ comes, they will not go to heaven. They will be left behind,
abandoned like newborn puppies on a riverbank, because only the chosen few
will go on to glory.

Wrong. We are all born from God and we all return to God when we die – there
is no selection process involved in this fact of life. God has no favorites; there are
no ‘chosen ones’. We are all loved equally and there is no doubt whatsoever that
we all go home for a rest at the end of every life experience. Absolutely no one
gets left behind.

I believe we live many lives. Just as bulbs lie dormant in winter, burst into flower
in spring then die off again until the next spring, so do we each live and die many
times over. God created this cycle and there are no exceptions even if you believe
differently.

When religions start to second-guess God, they are trying to tamper with the
natural laws of the Universe. And do you know what? I think there is just one
God, the same God for all of us. God is known by many names – Christ, Buddha,
Allah, Mohammed – and He appreciates love in any language, but all belief
systems lead back to one source: God.

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 God in Action

This story shows that love is the key to knowing God, not following a particular
doctrine.

An intellectually disabled boy named Chad was walking in the park with his
father when he saw some boys he knew playing a casual game of baseball. Chad
asked his father whether he thought the boys would let him play. The father knew
Chad’s chances were slim, but they approached the group and, surprisingly, they
invited him to join in.

Chad was called to bat in the crucial dying moments of the game, where a home-
run was needed for his team to win. Chad could barely hold the bat so the odds of
him scoring a home-run were virtually zero. He stood at the pad, excitedly
clutching the bat, as his father watched anxiously.

The pitcher pitched a soft pitch, which Chad missed. The pitcher moved closer,
threw another soft pitch, which Chad also missed. The pitcher moved closer still,
threw a very soft pitch which Chad hit, the ball landing just in front of the pitcher.

“Run Chad!” shouted his teammates. Chad stood in a daze and then started
stumbling toward first base. The pitcher threw the ball well wide of the first base
fielder: Chad made it to first base. By second base, his teammates were cheering
madly. “Run, Chad, run!” Finally, after the fielders ‘failed’ to throw any accurate
passes, Chad ran onto home base to a rapturous reception from his teammates.
Chad was the hero!

If love for our fellow human being is a sign of God in action, those boys in the
opposing team are wonderful ambassadors. They put aside their need to win in
favor of showing compassion for someone less able than themselves. If we all
acted like those boys every day, peace would eventually reign on our troubled
planet Earth.

One World Religion

The best thing that could happen to world religions is for ‘them’ to become ‘it’.
We need to create one world religion, where we each have our individual, and
God’s best interests, at heart. No more competing, no more rivalry: just one God
for all of us.
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This is already starting to happen quietly in some corners of the world. Churches
of different denominations are coming together to create an interdenominational
church where all people are welcome. There is a growing sense that inclusive is
the way to go, not exclusive. Open the doors wide; encourage all comers; be
accepting.

The Internet is helping to lessen divisions between peoples and countries. It has
dissolved borders and deepened the links between like-minded people all over the
world, regardless of their color, race or belief systems. Sharing information is the
beginning of our mission.

The planet is saturated with blood from thousands of religious wars. We must
find a way to live in peace or humanity will not survive. You can do your part by
remembering the boys in the baseball game and put God into action when an
opportunity comes your way.

God is always present and waiting to be discovered now,

precisely where we are and in what we are doing.
(Harry A Williams)

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 PERSEVERANCE:
HOW CAN I FACE TOMORROW?

In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.
(Robert Frost)

Perseverance is the attribute that allows you to complete your life purpose. It
helps you overcome your natural aversion to trials and challenges. The more you
practice perseverance, the better you become at it. In time, you will amaze
yourself. To persevere is to fast track your spiritual growth.

* * *

It was 1985. I was sitting in a therapy session with my doctor at the alcoholism
treatment center and I said something like, “Life is so hard, how will I cope
without drinking?” He replied, “Lorraine, you just keep on keeping on.”

I have never forgotten those words. During the many ups and downs in the last
twenty-five years, that little mantra has popped into my mind. I lift my chin up
and plod on some more. Because that is life – ninety per cent plodding with a
sprinkle of excitement and drama here and there.

Back then I knew that I had to keep on keeping on, but how was I supposed to do
it when all I wanted was to stay in bed and hide beneath the covers? I was only
twenty-eight years old and the future loomed before me like a dark chasm. I was
overwhelmed at the prospect of living my whole life without drinking alcohol.

One Day at a Time

The simple fact is that I – and you – can handle just about anything within a
twenty-four hour period. You have enough physical, emotional, mental and
spiritual fortitude to survive that long before you need topping up. When I
realized this truth, I thought hopefully, “I might just be able to do this after all.”

In the first few months of sobriety, I felt completely vulnerable. I did not have the
skills to face life without the numbing effects of alcohol – every little thing had
the power to cripple me emotionally. Here is an extract from an article I wrote
during that period:
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I am a fragile porcelain vase, a thin reed of grass being blown by the wind. My
thoughts constantly stray to the huge void that is my future and memories of my
past are never far away. How I envy people who stand strong and confident and
look life directly in the eye! Maybe I will too, one day.

I coped by telling myself that all I had to do was get through the day then I could
go to bed. I would worry about tomorrow when it came. Sometimes I brought
bedtime forward to six pm when I was having a really bad day, but the concept
worked. It enabled me to function at a time when I didn’t believe it was possible.

I still use the same strategy today, although my concern is not about functioning
without alcohol. I use it to cope with migraines; a severe attack can narrow my
perspective down to the next few hours and how I will get through them. There is
nothing like physical or emotional pain to draw you fully into the present
moment.

The past and the future are out of your hands – all you have control over is the
twenty-four hours you are living in at present. The past brings up feelings of self-
pity: “Why did that happen to me?” The future is an anxious place: “What if that
happens to me?” You can’t win. Stay in the present.

Quitting is Not an Option

The big turning point in my life came in 1981 after a failed suicide attempt. I had
been prevented from consuming a large bottle of sleeping tablets by a concerned
flat mate. We talked about it in the grey dawn hours and he made me promise to
never ever attempt to take my life again. I solemnly promised I wouldn’t, and
realized that I meant it.

Quitting on life was not an option anymore. I had made a pact that I would stay
alive no matter what. It was to be another three and a half years before the doctor
at the alcoholism treatment center told me about ‘keep on keeping on’.
Meanwhile, I suffered a great deal emotionally but I did not try to destroy myself
physically.

Permanently shutting the door on suicide is a huge step in the process of ‘keep on
keeping on.’ After all, it is about ensuring your survival, in spite of yourself. The
finer details of how you will survive come later. I have seen people play around

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with the possibility of suicide for years; their very existence is a slow painful
form of suicide.

Denise is an intelligent, vivacious woman in her late twenties with a six year-old
daughter. Denise’s confident manner belies her past: from the age of eighteen
until twenty six years, Denise tried to kill herself many times. Several years ago,
she phoned me during one attempt and I drove to her house, dreading what I
would find.

There was blood seeping from her wrist and Denise was shaking violently. I
bound her wrist with a towel and held her in my arms as she lay in the fetal
position, sobbing. She wanted to die. She said the only thing preventing her from
killing herself was her daughter. If not for her daughter she would have died a
long time ago.

Four weeks later, Denise reached rock bottom… and a turning point. “I feel I’ve
gone down to the core of my being. Something has been there that has stood up –
that’s been quite strong and brave – and said, ‘No, I don’t want this for my life. I
want to live!’”

The following years were difficult but Denise held on to her belief in life and she
is slowly building her own life again with her daughter. “I know it’s not going to
be an easy road, there are still a lot of tears to come. But it’s okay. I just feel it’s
going to be okay.”

Hope

One thing kept me going during the early months of sobriety. Hope. Hope that a
brighter future awaited me. I met my first husband after three years sobriety and
we had two beautiful daughters. After sixteen years of sobriety, I met my second
husband. I adore him; I adore my daughters. The promises of sobriety have come
true in my life.

That is the catch about ‘keep on keeping on’ – it can take a while before the
goodies start to arrive. If you give up early, you will miss out. Most things of
value in life require a measure of sacrifice, faith and patience. As your faith
deepens, you will see that the journey itself has rewards, one of them being a
belief in your ability to persevere.

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Concentration camp inmates in World War Two endured appalling conditions:
fear, psychological abuse, starvation, widespread disease. Many prisoners gave up
and died. Why did any survive at all? The survivors clutched onto a tiny flicker of
hope that life existed on the other side of hell. All they had to do was hold on a
little bit longer…

Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs.
(Malcolm Forbes)

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 QUALITY OF LIFE:
HOW DO I GET IT AND KEEP IT?

May you live every day of your life.

(Jonathan Swift)

You came here to grow spiritually but not at the cost of unnecessary suffering and
the abandonment of hopes and dreams. Quality of life is about creating a stress-
free environment for yourself and your family… it is about turning a few
cherished dreams into reality… and most of all it is about having fun.

* * *

The sum total of your life can be measured simply: does it have quality or are you
just enduring from day to day? If you are living a life of endurance, you are
symbolically drumming your fingers on the table waiting for it to end. Forgive
me, but what a waste.

I believe there are three important factors in experiencing quality of life:

removing tolerations, life reviews, honoring hopes and dreams. There are plenty
of other factors that contribute to quality of life, but those three maintain a deep
sense of wellbeing.

Remove Tolerations

Tolerations are all the loose ends in your life, from a leaky tap to a stale
friendship. If it niggles, calls for your attention, it is a toleration. There is a
process for handling tolerations: identify them and deal with them. I call it
‘toleration extermination’ because tolerations bug you as much as any multi-
legged critter could.

Identifying your tolerations is like a cleansing: it can be a relief to finally face

reality. List all the unfinished business in your life, everything from squeaky door
hinges to dysfunctional relationships. Don’t worry if the list is long because most
people carry their body weight in tolerations. Just know that your load-carrying
days will soon be over.

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A squeaky hinge is a good example of tolerations: you notice it each time you
open the door then promptly forget it until next time you open the door. This can
go on for weeks, months, even years, when a five minute job would fix it.

Set a deadline for dealing with every single task on your list. Be realistic about
how much you can actually achieve. It is tempting to try and do them all in one
week – you will fail miserably. Instead, pace yourself, and pick a reward to enjoy
when the tasks are done. The anticipated treat will keep you going when your
energy flags.

You may be thinking this all sounds like good old common sense. It is. Yet most
people claim they are too busy to deal with tolerations, which continue to annoy
them indefinitely. Commit to making your life a toleration-free zone. Quality of
life is dealing with all your unfinished business, and not allowing new tolerations
to emerge.

Life Review

I do a life review about once a month. I examine the different aspects of my life,
as in the Balance chapter: marriage, children, career, home, finances, health,
leisure activities, friends, hopes and dreams. However, I do a more in-depth
review on each aspect.

Life review is a tool for looking at the subtle areas of your life, your spiritual and
emotional welfare. It is an extension of the daily/weekly inventory because it
builds on the progress you make after getting your life in balance – it’s the icing
on the cake.

A regular life review has many benefits. It reminds you how well you are doing…
it shows you how much you have to be grateful for… and it confirms that you are
on the right track. Life reviews reveal where you are making steady progress,
where you need to work harder on an attitude change, or where a big change is
needed.

Recently, I did an in-depth life review related to my values (see Values chapter). I
realized a whole chunk of my life was missing around my value of beauty. I don’t
take the time to experience beautiful things. Instantly, I saw the answer: take
every second Friday off and go to book shops, art galleries, beach walking.
Immediately I felt light, joyful.
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Is it an indulgence to take every second Friday off? Not if you see it in terms of
the bigger picture. If you invest time in honoring your values, it will add quality
to your life – you will be fulfilled, happy, and willing to give your time to others
without resentment. Your quality of life will influence those around you to seek
their own.

Hopes ‘N Dreams

A life without something to look forward to is a sad life indeed. I am amazed at

the number of coaching clients I see who do not allow themselves to dream about
the future.

I have dreams: I want my books to inspire thousands of people to grow

spiritually... I want to snorkel every year amongst tropical fish... I want to read
books to my grandchildren (yet to come!).

Having dreams is only the beginning – you need to start making them come true.
This book is available online through SynergE and I am writing other spiritual
books....I am saving for my tropical holidays...I have kept all my daughters'
books and look forward to many happy hours reading to my grandchildren.

Keith always dreamed of working as an unpaid volunteer in poorer countries. The

dream seemed destined to remain just that because of a lack of money. Then
Keith received a large payout from an investment and his long-held dream
suddenly became possible.

I encourage you to have dreams – big ones! Your dreams will keep you going
during long dreary days when everything seems grey. This precious life is to be
enjoyed to the full.

Life engenders life. Energy creates energy.

It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.
(Sarah Bernhardt)

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 RELATIONSHIPS:
WHY CAN THEY BE SO DIFFICULT?

The easiest relationship is with ten thousand people; the hardest is with one.
(Joan Baez)

Your greatest spiritual growth comes from relating to others. You don’t have to
love everyone you meet, or even like them, you just need to allow them their
uniqueness. Learn daily from your interactions with people. But remember this:
the most important relationship you have is with yourself.

* * *

Relationships are as essential to our well-being as the air we breathe. They can be
a source of great bliss or heartache, yet we cannot imagine life without them.
Relating deeply to other people is how we discover who we are, and how we
learn our biggest lessons. I believe it is the reason we are all here.

What is the secret to having joyful relationships? Why is it that some people
always attract painful relationships, whether it is lovers, family or friends? The
answer to both questions lies within you: you cannot relate to happy, well-
balanced people unless you are happy and well-balanced yourself.

Self-Love

When you are your own best friend, you can weather the ups and downs of life
much easier. It is inevitable that you will be alone at some stage before you die,
whether for a few months or many years. Waiting for someone to fill the gap is
not as fruitful as spending that valuable time getting to know you.

After I separated from my first husband, I made a pact with myself: I could meet
a man tomorrow, next week, next year or never, but this opportunity to spend
quality time with myself may never come again. So instead of obsessing about
finding a new partner, I set out to become my own partner.

I learned to enjoy my own company and came to welcome the peaceful solitude
of an evening at home with a good book. I also went on ‘dates’ with myself –
walks along the beach, café lunches and movies. I realized that I didn’t always
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need a companion to enjoy those experiences, and in fact dining or watching a
movie alone can be quite rewarding.

After two years of learning to be my own best friend, I felt confident, relaxed
around other people, and happy to take life as it comes. Therefore, it was no
surprise that what came – totally unexpectedly at a small family gathering – was
the lovely man who was to be my new husband. I was ready.

I can think of several people who cannot bear to be alone; they must always have
company, whether they are watching television, shopping, or walking. They feel
insecure without the presence of other people. If you can identify with this,
maybe it is time to venture into new territory and get to know the hidden treasure
that is you.

Conditional Relationships

A healthy relationship is based on unconditional love. It is the love of a parent for

their child. “I will love you, in spite of your bad behavior. You don’t need to act a
certain way for me to love you – I just do.” Some parents find it easy to love their
children unconditionally, but for others their need to control overrides their
ability to love.

Marilyn had been in an unhappy marriage for many years and when it ended, she
was resigned to being on her own. Unexpectedly, she met the man of her dreams,
a man she knew she could spend the rest of her life with. They planned to marry
as soon as they could, and close friends were happy for them.

Marilyn’s father had always been critical of her. Even though Marilyn had been
independent of him for fifteen years, he still tried to influence her actions and had
an opinion about everything she did. Marilyn was reluctant to tell her father of
her speedy wedding arrangements, but did so out of courtesy.

Marilyn’s father was furious. He believed she was making a big mistake and let
her know in no uncertain terms. Marilyn’s calm reasoning that she was in her
thirties and knew her own mind had no effect. Her father said he did not want
anything to do with her new husband and would only see Marilyn alone in future.

Marilyn’s reaction was to take stock of the pattern of her life. She saw how her
father had always dominated her and how always she gave in to keep the peace.
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Was this the way someone acted towards a loved one? After much soul-
searching, Marilyn decided that her father’s relationship with her was more about
power than love. She decided to let him go.

Marilyn’s husband was completely supportive of her decision to distance herself

from her father. Marilyn’s father never understood why she did not visit or phone
any more. Didn’t she realize that he only had her best interests at heart? Marilyn
finally saw that if her father truly loved her, he would have been happy that she
was happy.

Letting Go of Toxic Relationships

You do not have to maintain a relationship with someone just because they are in
your life. Sometimes you need to let go of people who are harmful to your well-
being. Hannah wanted to quit smoking; she worked out the best way to achieve
her goal. Then her friend Megan announced she would quit too, and that they
would do it together.

Hannah wanted to quit smoking by herself – she knew she was vulnerable to
relapse and had worked out strategies to combat it – however, Megan would not
be swayed. They would quit smoking together, no room for discussion, end of
story.

Megan stopped smoking almost immediately while Hannah struggled through

emotional issues and was unable to give up her dependence on cigarettes. Hannah
couldn’t bear to see Megan, who reminded her of her failure. She asked Megan to
give her space for a few weeks while she got her life back on track.

Megan refused. “We are friends, we stick together.” Hannah pleaded. Megan
ignored her. Finally, Hannah cut all ties with Megan and the friendship did not
resume again.

Why could Megan not give Hannah the space she asked for? If she had done so,
their friendship might have survived the rocky patch. Instead, it showed the
relationship for what it really was: conditional on Hannah always doing what
Megan wanted. This story illustrates a toxic relationship, where a person takes
from you more than they give.

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Think about your relationships. Are you holding onto a toxic friendship out of
habit, or fear of the consequences of letting it go? When you keep a toxic
relationship, you stop a healthy new friendship from developing. Be brave. Let go
of selfish people and make room for loving friends you haven’t even met yet.

The heart withers if it does not answer another heart.

(Pearl Buck)

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 SELF-ESTEEM:
WHY DO I WORRY ABOUT MY APPEARANCE?

Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

Your body is the vehicle you chose to travel in for this life journey. Your
challenge is to remember that you are a spiritual being having a bodily
experience, not the other way around. There is an easy way to become less
obsessed over your body image – change your focus from self esteem to soul
esteem.

* * *

Self-esteem is often talked about, yet what does it really mean? I believe self-
esteem means thinking of, or talking about, yourself with respect, therefore a lack
of self-esteem is a lack of self-respect. Self-esteem is usually linked with your
appearance.

It is easy to be your own harshest critic because you are always on hand to dish
out the criticism. Constant self-condemnation is a painful way to live. Treating
yourself well begins with self-acceptance: if you do not like aspects of your
appearance, change them if possible or learn to accept them.

Body Image

We are bombarded by anti-aging advertising everywhere every day. Facial

wrinkles that once were marks of wisdom and experience (and still are in many
cultures) are being erased in favor of a smooth blank expression. There is huge
pressure to buy the latest wrinkle-busting creams and makeup to achieve a
younger appearance.

The quest for perpetual youth is graphically illustrated in the television program
Extreme Makeover. Participants win the chance of radical surgery, free of charge.
The program shows nose and teeth reconstructions, face and brow lifts, chin and
breast implants, and liposuction. After painful surgery the participants emerge
looking remarkably similar.

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Actress Halle Berry once said, “We’ve become obsessed with beauty and the
fountain of youth and I’m really saddened by the way women mutilate their faces
in search of that. I see women in their thirties getting plastic surgery. It’s a
slippery slope – once you start, you pull one thing one way and then you think,
‘Oh my God, I’ve got to do the other side!’ There is this plastic, copycat look
evolving and that’s frightening to me.”

Underneath the tight, bright new exterior lie the same emotions and problems.
Who or what does the cosmetically-enhanced person blame after surgery when
they don’t like themselves? Where is the instant remedy when life does not go
according to plan?

Surgery may stem the tide of wrinkles, but it cannot prevent the gradual break-
down of health which is part of the natural aging process. How will the person
feel in years to come when their appearance is at odds with their health?

The concept of surgical youth is still new. Time may reveal its inadequacies in
much the same way tobacco, promoted during the war as a calming device for
soldiers, has proven to be deadly. There may be regret at the folly of tampering
with our bodies for the sake of vanity. Healthy self-esteem is about aging
gracefully, naturally.

Personal Style

One sign of healthy self-esteem is not comparing yourself with other people.
Instead, discover your unique personal look. Personal style is unaffected by
fashion trends and other people’s opinion: it speaks clearly of who you are in all
circumstances.

How do you find your personal style? First, be completely honest with yourself
about what you do and do not like in the way of clothing. Make your own criteria
for choosing clothes and refuse to be seduced by fashion trends.

Ask yourself this question: What matters most to me in a garment? Is it comfort?

It can be worn all day with ease. Is it economy? It must fit into my limited budget.
Is it durability? It needs to last for years. Is it style? The color and cut has to suit
me. Is it fashion? Only the latest look, straight from the glossy magazines.

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To identify these factors, consider what has been successful in the past. Most
people wear 20% of their wardrobe 80% of the time. If your wardrobe is like that,
push the unworn clothing to one side and examine what is left. Why do you wear
those clothes all the time? What causes you to ignore the rest of your wardrobe?

There will be a single common factor in all the well-worn favorite garments. You
may buy expensive designer labels yet never wear them, because what really
matters most to you is comfort. It is very important to identify your personal
style. You will make fewer costly mistakes and you will usually be happy with
your appearance.

Inner Being

There is a good reason for establishing healthy self-esteem and identifying your
personal style: it frees you to concentrate on other things. You will have more
energy for work, family, leisure activities, hopes and dreams. When you are
focusing on, or even obsessing about, your appearance it takes time away from
what you really want to do.

If you are unhappy with an aspect of your body or wardrobe, fix it so you can
move on, or accept it so you can move on. Shift the spotlight away from your
appearance. Constant self-examination and fault-finding is unproductive, tiring
and depressing. You deserve to be comfortable with your appearance and like
yourself at all times.

Deepen your perspective to encompass your inner being. It is the part of you
unaffected by superficial concerns; it is the constant, unchanging, unconditional
you. When you get to know yourself on this level your attitude changes from one
of negativity to acceptance, from self-criticism to love.

If you are considering altering your appearance, be sure your motive comes from
the right place – freeing yourself from the burden of self-criticism. Being
comfortable about yourself, inside and outside your skin, allows you to be
genuinely interested in other people. It is a special kind of freedom that is worth
the effort.

When you love yourself, you forgive your own imperfections.

(Marilyn Vos Savant)
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 TIME:
WHY IS THERE NEVER ENOUGH?

Of time you would make a stream, upon whose bank you would
sit and watch its flowing.
(Kahil Gibran)

You do not need to be frustrated or anxious over the issue of time. Befriend it
instead. Use time to your advantage – after all, it is just a form of energy (like
money) designed for you to learn from. Notice how time speeds up when you are
doing something you love. Time is an important clue to finding your life purpose.

* * *

“I wish I had more time.” It is tempting to request more hours in a day, yet if you
were granted those extra hours, they would still not be enough. It is not the
number of hours in your day that matters, but what you do with those hours.

I believe there are two kinds of people. Group A: Busy people who always
manage to squeeze one more activity into their hectic schedule. Group B: People
who always seem to be late for appointments, missing deadlines, struggling to
complete tasks. Both groups have twenty-four hours in their day, yet why do
Group A people manage to keep on top of things while Group B people don’t?
The message is clear: we are either victors or victims regarding time
management. What will you be?

Priorities and Planning

What separates the victors from the victims is their ability to prioritize. Group A
people decide what needs to be done by ranking activities in order of importance.
Group B people treat each activity with equal importance. When Group B’s get
overwhelmed by activities, they tend to procrastinate and do nothing and on the
cycle goes…

Setting priorities involves surveying the big picture of your life then dealing with
the small details. Teresa is in her forties. She came to me for coaching because
she lacked the confidence to decide if she should leave the corporate world and

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become an engineer. Teresa couldn’t see a way out of her dilemma and was
feeling unhappy and frustrated.

After examining the big picture of her life, Teresa could see that procrastination
was an on-going problem. There was a long list of household tasks she had been
putting off for months because she ‘didn’t have time’. She realized that her top
priority was to complete the jobs – only then could she decide whether
engineering was the career for her.

Teresa set aside planning time twice a week. She listed all the tasks that needed
completing and wrote a deadline for completion beside each one. Every week she
worked diligently: her ‘to do’ list got shorter and her ‘completed’ list got longer.

As she worked, Teresa realized her confidence was growing along with her
achievements. She felt lighter, more buoyant, and could see the big picture with
greater clarity. She was also proud of her new time management skills. After
several months, Teresa made the decision to leave her corporate job and study to
be an engineer.

If Teresa had continued on her procrastination path, more and more tasks would
have piled up, further destroying her confidence. Her top priority was taking
charge of her time and clearing the tasks so she was free to explore her vision.
Teresa the engineering student is still using her weekly planning time to keep
procrastination at bay.

Buffer Zones

What if you are doing quite well with time management and prioritizing but want
to take it to a new level, so you can experience an even better quality of life? That
is exactly the choice a coaching client made and it transformed his life.

Andrew is a successful businessman in his forties, happily married with young

children. He owns his company and plays sport competitively in his spare time.
During the course of Andrew’s coaching, we focused intensively on priorities and
planning, until his life was humming like a well-oiled machine. Yet I sensed he
wanted even more.

So I introduced Andrew to the concept of buffer zones. A buffer zone is a special

time you set aside each day where you do exactly what you want to do, with no
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obligations or input from anyone else. It is your time to be spontaneous: if you
want to exercise, you go for a walk… if you feel weary, you take a nap… if you
feel creative, you sketch a picture.

Andrew became excited by the idea of a daily buffer zone. He could see how it
would give him the quality of life he was seeking. I asked him to consider how
much time he could realistically set aside each day for his personal buffer zone (it
is important to factor in all possibilities such as emergencies, sickness, overtime).
As he pondered, I imagined he would say, “thirty minutes a day.”

When Andrew had finished contemplating, he looked at me and said, “One hour a
day.” I was gob-smacked. Here was one of the busiest people I knew, seriously
considering setting aside a full hour each day to have quality time for himself. I
admired his choice and we started discussing how it would impact on his life.

One year later, Andrew and I were reviewing his progress as a result of coaching.
I asked him, “What was the one factor during the coaching that has contributed
the most to your progress?” Andrew didn’t hesitate. He said, “The buffer zone.
When I said one hour a day, I was hoping I could achieve it, because I really
wanted to. Now, a year on, I guard that one hour in my day zealously, and won’t
allow anyone or anything to affect it.”

It demonstrates that anything is possible when it comes to time management.

Andrew has the same twenty-four hours in his day that you do – he has just
streamlined his priorities so he can enjoy an hour a day doing exactly what he
pleases. Andrew is working far more efficiently, and everyone is commenting on
how relaxed he looks.

If you are a Group B member, a victim of time, you can choose to change. All it
takes to join Group A is a decision. “I will prioritize my time and plan my life.”
Be prepared for a few months of practice before it becomes second nature, but
when it does, you can enjoy a well-earned reward: setting up your buffer zone!

We shall never have any more time.

We have, and we have always had, all the time there is.
(Arnold Bennett)

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 UNCERTAINTY:
HOW DO I COPE WITH IT?

When you experience uncertainty, you are on the right path, so don’t give up.
(Deepak Chopra)

Uncertainty is a momentary loss of faith in your life purpose. Waves of

uncertainty always accompany the ebb and flow of life. Accept that there will be
periods of doubt and act quickly before the doubt immobilizes you. Uncertainty is
your ally – it is your cue to connect in with your intuition and get back on track.

* * *

The world is changing fast; new technology is seeing to that. It means there is
little opportunity to rest in the lap of certainty. We have to adapt to uncertainty as
a way of life instead of hoping a slower world will return. It won’t. During the
next twenty years, life will move even faster than it does today.

How do you cope with such rapid change? The answer is to use strategies to
create your personal sanctuary of calm, to be your own certainty. Then whatever
is happening around you, you will not only cope with constant change, but thrive
on it. You will see change as an advantage rather than a disadvantage.

Be Proactive

Karen was studying a course that did not hold her interest, and she was uncertain
whether to complete the final two years. While Karen procrastinated over making
a decision, she ate and ate – and ate. Her weight soared. She arrived at coaching
feeling very insecure.

Karen’s story is typical of how people often handle uncertainty. Instead of being
proactive and taking decisive action, it is easier to be reactive. “I’m not happy and
I can’t decide what to do, so I will eat/drink/smoke/shop instead.” It takes very
little motivation to be reactive, while being proactive involves effort and
planning.

Here is a tip on how to change from being reactive to proactive. It is an old sales
technique I used as a radio sales executive. To close the sale, my objective for my
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client was not, Will they buy the advertising? Instead it was, How much will they
buy? The decision transforms from ‘will they do it?’ to ‘how will they do it?’

Let’s apply the same technique to Karen, the reluctant student. Instead of eating
and procrastinating (will I make a decision about my studies?) Karen could list
the challenges around her study dilemma and some possible solutions (how will I
make a decision?).

After making a list, Karen identified her main challenges. She was bored with the
study material and needed other people to stimulate her interest. Also, she really
needed to complete the course to learn valuable lessons around discipline and
self-motivation.

The solutions to Karen’s challenges came surprisingly quickly, as is often the

case when you move from reactive to proactive behavior. Karen phoned other
people in her area doing the same course and they set up a weekly study group.
This gave Karen the incentive to create a weekly study schedule to motivate
herself.

Within days, Karen had transformed her whole attitude toward the course. She
felt energized and motivated to continue with her studies. Karen set up regular
study sessions during the evening (her trigger time for over-eating) and soon
found she was eating less junk food so the weight fell off. Being proactive has a
ripple effect in your life. Try it.

Creating Natural Rhythm

It is possible to create a way of life that makes being proactive easier and helps
you to cope with uncertainty, too. It involves finding your natural rhythm. Living
in your natural rhythm means that the chaos can be happening all around you, but
it does not upset your equilibrium. You are an island of serenity within the sea of
craziness.

There are several aspects to your natural rhythm you need to get familiar with.
Firstly, are you a morning or an evening person? Secondly, do you work for long
periods at a slow, steady pace or do you like to work in short bursts with frequent
breaks? Thirdly, do you need constant interaction with people or do you crave
regular solitude?

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Identify your natural rhythm by drawing up a weekly planner. Mark in all the
fixed activities such as work, exercise sessions, educational/community activities.
Now contemplate the time that is left: does it look empty in a desolate way, or
empty in an inviting way? There is your clue to your need for company or
solitude.

If you want to add activities, such as more exercise or study, be conscious of your
body clock, especially whether you are a morning or an evening person. It is
pointless getting up at 6am to go to the gym when your eyes don’t open fully until
7.30am. If you are an evening person, schedule your exercise for after work. The
same goes with study.

Stress is a sign that your body and emotions are not coping with constant change.
Don’t add more activities to your schedule, no matter how busy you are. Remove
some instead. For severe stress, remove everything from your schedule apart
from paid work, and start from scratch to find your natural rhythm.

Clubs and Networks

We change jobs, homes and relationships at a rate unheard of fifty years ago.
Sometimes a major life change can create uncertainty in every area of your life.
Where will I live, what job will I do, how will I make new friends? It is essential
to have on-going security especially during transition time. That is where
belonging to a network can be a lifesaver.

I was a Toastmaster for seven years. Every Friday I went to a meeting and
greeted people who were pleased to see me. I presented speeches; I felt the
warmth of support from my fellow Toastmasters. It didn’t matter what was going
on in the rest of my life; I had a sense of security each week at my Toastmasters
meeting.

The wonderful thing about belonging to a group such as Toastmasters, Rotary or

Lions Clubs is that you can transfer your membership to anywhere in the world. If
you are moving overseas because of your job or retiring to a warmer climate, you
can immediately pick up the supportive connection of your club.

Create an informal network by establishing regular contact with like-minded

people. If you are a writer, meet with fellow writers once a month over lunch. If
you are a new mother, get together with other new mothers and support each
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other. If you are retired, take up golf, bowls or bridge. Nurture an on-going
connection with people like you.

We live in uncertain times. In fact, that is probably the only certainty we have.
There are three ways you can help yourself live a happy, secure life in the face of
constant change: be proactive, find your natural rhythm, and belong to a network.

Accepting the natural law of constant change is our route to freedom.

(Jack Kornfield)

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 VALUES:
WHY ARE THEY IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE?

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be.
(Fanny Brice)

Your values are your soul qualities. They are special to you, unique. Sadly, they
can be quickly forgotten in the distractions of life. When you feel depressed, it is
a sign that you have strayed too far from your values. You need to live your
values on a daily basis for your life to have purpose and meaning.

* * *

When you get into your car, you wouldn’t dream of trying to drive it without a
steering wheel. The steering wheel controls the direction the car takes. Many
people negotiate their way haphazardly through life without direction because
they are not in touch with their values. When you steer through life using your
values, you will always be on track.

What are values, anyway? Values are who you are on a deep level. They are
natural, effortless qualities that are part of you whether you realize it or not. Often
your childhood contains clues about your values. Was that quality important to
you when you were a child? There is a good chance it is still buried inside you,
waiting to be resurrected.

Definition of Values

I want to share my values with you then I want to help you find your own. My
five core values are: love, beauty, inspiration, serenity and knowledge. Even
reading the familiar words makes me feel content. Those five words describe me
to myself and to the world. They comprise my unique value package, which helps
me make decisions, big and small.

When life is going well, I can look to my values and see that they are being
honored. When I hit a difficult patch, I can see immediately that my values are
not being honored therefore I need to bring myself back in line with them. It is
like a weather barometer: a values barometer is an accurate way to measure your
well-being.
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It is important to realize that no one else is responsible for your values – they are
your business entirely. In fact, this is a good time to talk about what values are
not. If you find yourself saying, “I should have honesty as one of my values,”
then honesty is definitely not a value for you. Remember that values are natural
and effortless, with no ‘should’ involved in any way.

If you think, I would like to be more nurturing toward my elderly parents, that is
not a value either. It is an obligation, and obligations come with strings attached.
True values have no ulterior motives; true values are pure pleasure and
fulfillment.

If you need to do it often to get a buzz, like extreme sport, it is also not a value –
it is an adrenalin fix. Values do not contain any element of addictive behavior.
They are natural and effortless, whereas addictions are unnatural and often take a
lot of effort to sustain.

Identifying Your Values

How can you identify your values so that you live in a natural, effortless way? I
used a coaching program (CoachU) to discover my values. However, I believe it
is possible to do it yourself, using your daily life as inspiration. It is about being
committed to the process and training yourself to be your own observer.

For two weeks, observe your actions and feelings closely. Note occasions when
you felt happy, satisfied, fulfilled. What were you doing at those times? What
were the positive qualities about the situation that made you feel satisfied;
fulfilled? Note occasions when you felt unhappy, dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
What were you doing? What were the negative aspects of the situation that caused
you to feel that way?

I’ll give you an example of when I was linked to all my values. My husband and I
took our caravan to a remote area for a long weekend. The region is well-known
for its beautiful bush and rich history of coal-mining. We had a wonderful day
exploring, even though it poured with rain (note that when you are linked to your
values, even disadvantages like bad weather do not affect you!).

At the end of the day, I said to my husband, “Look at how all my values were
honored today: Love: I spent the day with someone I love… Beauty: The bush
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was green, lush, magnificent… Inspiration: I draw a great deal of inspiration
from being outdoors in nature… Serenity: The bush was peaceful, soothing to my
soul… Knowledge: I found the coal-mining history fascinating, fulfilling my
thirst for information.’

That is a simple example of how a day can be lived around your values. Look for
days like that and analyze them. It takes time but the effort is worth it. You are
looking for the qualities associated with the situation. If a word indicating a
quality causes your heart to skip, you know you are on the right track – trust the
little heart skip.

What about when you are not living out your values? I’ll give you an example
from my life. I attended a large social gathering in a conference room without my
husband. I knew few people so there was no love… there was no natural beauty
around me… I found little inspiration in the small talk… my serenity was
shattered in the noisy room… and as for knowledge? I would rather have been in
bed reading a book.

I know myself well enough not to put myself in such situations unless it is
completely unavoidable. I find being out of line with my values causes emotional
suffering and I choose not to endure it. Instead, I plan my life around activities
that honor my values.

Live Your Values

I have two women coaching clients who both had a sense of being ‘trapped in
their lives’. Kate and Jennifer were both ‘trapped’ in jobs they didn’t like,
working with managers who belittled them. They both had issues of
powerlessness in their personal lives that were causing them emotional pain.

The biggest sign of not living out your values is feeling trapped. None of us is
trapped. You always have choices. The secret is to believe that you are worthy of
a good life and give yourself permission to pursue it. Then you are ready to
discover your values and live the kind of life you have always dreamed of.

After identifying her values, Kate left her office job to live out her dream of
running a gourmet bed and breakfast place. Kate’s values relate to nurturing
people in beautiful surroundings; in her office job she dealt with customer
complaints! She is now happy and excited at the prospect of her future.
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Jennifer chose to stay in her job because she needs the financial security. Instead,
she chose to pursue her passion in her spare time: photography in a marine
environment. Jennifer is honoring her values – creativity, freedom, love, beauty –
therefore she is not resentful about her job any more and feels calmer in other
areas of her life.

Identifying and honoring your values on a daily basis can be one of the most
rewarding things you will ever do. Even if you choose not to live out your values,
at least you will know at all times who you are and what you want. It is priceless
information.

Without knowing who I am and why I am here, life is impossible.

(Leo Tolstoy)

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 WISDOM:
WHAT IS IT, AND DO I HAVE IT?

You cannot pay cash for wisdom. It comes to you on the installment plan.
(Anita Loos)

Forget about money and possessions – wisdom is the only souvenir you get to
take home at the end of your life journey. If you want to acquire bucket loads of
wisdom before you leave, practice these three qualities: patience, humility and
unconditional love. Look for daily opportunities to deepen your wisdom.

* * *

Wisdom is one of those things that if you think you have it, you probably don’t.
Wise people unconsciously dispense wisdom wherever they go, yet they would be
surprised to be described as ‘wise’ because they are naturally humble people.

Wise people can be young or old. Some children are born wise. I call them ‘old
souls’. They have lived many lives and brought that wealth of experience into this
lifetime. Practice catching the eye of babies or toddlers in strollers: ‘old soul’
babies make sustained eye contact and appear very interested in you.

Being old does not necessarily make you wise – you could live eighty years and
still not master the important lessons you came here to learn. It explains why
some elderly people are grumpy and bitter. They know, subconsciously, that they
failed to take advantage of what was literally an ‘opportunity of a lifetime’.

What constitutes wisdom? I realized during my coaching studies that there are
three important components to wisdom and if any one of them is missing, it
means wisdom is probably not present. The three components: knowledge,
experience, awareness.

Knowledge

I strongly believe in the importance of knowledge and it is no coincidence that

knowledge is one of my five personal values. However, knowledge alone does
not a wise person make. Without the balancing effects of experience and
awareness, knowledge is a boat minus its oars and rudder: quite useless.
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Take the example of the perpetual student. He goes to university at age eighteen
and settles into the safe campus environment. When his friends leave with their
degrees and head into the working world, the perpetual student stays on. He
completes his Masters, PHD and becomes a lecturer, all within the secure
confines of the university campus.

The perpetual student could be described as knowledgeable, albeit only about his
area of expertise, but he could not be termed wise because he lacks experience
and awareness of life in general. People often confuse knowledge with wisdom
and tend to be in awe of academics. Knowledge is just one part of wisdom.

If the perpetual student left university and explored other cultures, he could apply
his knowledge to new experiences. He would gain awareness and a deeper
understanding of life. He might feel empathy for the struggle of his fellows,
leading him to contribute his knowledge to ease their plight. That is an example
of wisdom in action.

Experience

It is tempting to think that cramming plenty of experiences into your life is

enough to make you a wise person. I think not. People who chase multiple
experiences are constantly on the move, looking for the next adventure. It does
not allow reflective time for them to acquire the other two elements of wisdom:
knowledge and awareness.

An example is the sports extremist – he is always searching for the next challenge
to push him further beyond his physical and emotional limits. Every waking
moment is focused on training, planning, researching, and anticipating the sports
event. There is little interest in other activities or people.

The sports extremist has knowledge and experience of his sport, the student has
knowledge and experience of his studies, yet both have little in common with the
average person. Wisdom comes from an awareness of, and compassion for, our
fellow human being. You gain that awareness only by interacting with many
kinds of people.

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 Awareness

If it is possible to have knowledge and not be wise, to have experiences and not
be wise, is it possible to have awareness and not be wise? The answer is –
definitely. Awareness without the balancing effects of knowledge and experience
can be just as ineffective as knowledge and experience alone.

Think of a financially secure woman who lives near a poor area. Every day she
sees the sad results of grinding poverty and wants to help. You would think that
her awareness and compassion would be enough to make a difference, yet without
knowledge and experience, this woman could do more harm than good.

The woman decides she will deliver food around the poor neighborhood. She is
cautioned by friends to reconsider her plan, but she ignores advice from those
more knowledgeable and experienced. The woman dresses as usual in designer
clothes and, with goodwill in her heart, sets off.

An hour later she returns home with the food, her ears ringing from verbal abuse.
“I know they are hungry so why did they treat me so badly?” What happened was
the woman did not temper her awareness with knowledge and experience. Her
naivety caused offense to the people she approached, and also could have
endangered her life.

There is a perception that wise people live under some kind of divine protection
mantle that means they don’t have to take precautions like the rest of us. Not so.
Wise people use their knowledge and experience to take care of themselves, and
it is well that they do because their wisdom would be little use to us if they were
dead.

Another misconception is that wise people are always serious and never crack
jokes. Some of the wisest people have a wonderful sense of humor, the Dalai
Lama being an excellent example. They appreciate the softening effect of humor
in daily life.

Wisdom is an automatic outflow from the wise person to people around them.
The most beautiful thing about wisdom is that the wise person is usually oblivious
to the fact they are wise. It just emanates from them wherever they go, and we get
to enjoy it.

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Follow your instincts. That’s where true wisdom manifests itself.
(Oprah Winfrey)

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 THE X FACTOR/ACTION:
HOW CAN I MOTIVATE MYSELF?

Vision without action is merely a dream…action without vision merely

passes the time…but vision with action can change the world.
(Unknown)

Every day you are presented with limitless opportunities to grow spiritually. You
can hang back in fear or apathy, you can coast along at leisure, or you can throw
yourself wholeheartedly into every life experience. Whichever path you choose,
you will evolve: action just gets you there quicker.

* * *

You know the kind of day – you want to phone in to work sick, gorge on
chocolate and watch soap operas. Instead you get up, shower and eat breakfast.
Gradually you see that things are not so bad after all. You smile to yourself and
head out the door…

Why the transformation from gloom to zoom? One word: action. When you take
action, it shifts you from a negative to a positive mood. It is impossible to
stagnate because you are either sliding backwards or moving forwards. Freeze-
frame is for the movies, not real life.

Discipline

You can create a habit of taking action through establishing discipline in your
life; discipline, after all, is just repetitive action. Spontaneity has its place, but
daily life is about making things happen on a regular basis, and the best way to
achieve that is through discipline and planning.

Authors understand discipline and planning. On 2nd of August 2004, I devised a

writing schedule for nineteen weeks, when I intended to finish this book. Twenty-
six chapters in nineteen weeks! It soon transpired that I could comfortably write a
chapter in ninety minutes, so I scheduled ninety minute blocks of time in my
diary each week.

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By October 20th, 2004, I had written seventeen chapters, including this one. I had
been severely tested throughout the previous eleven weeks, with illness, school
holidays and work pressures. However, I ploughed on and soon I could see the
finishing tape (it was vitally important to get past the magic half-way point).

How did I manage to stick to my game-plan? Obviously, discipline and planning,

but there are three other factors that I will discuss next. Without those three
factors your chances of succeeding at your project are severely compromised.

Minimum Standards

I use minimum standards to help my coaching clients stay motivated and achieve
their goals. It is a full-proof method for ensuring that you don’t take on more than
you can handle, and that you will last the distance over the long term. My
minimum standard for writing this book: no less than five hours of writing every
week, no matter what happens.

Warwick is a coaching client in his thirties. He wanted to lose eight kilos and
decided that exercise was the way to go. We discussed what exercise he enjoyed –
walking, cycling and swimming. He also wanted to do weight-lifting, but after
confessing he didn’t enjoy weights, I recommended he leave it out of his
program.

Warwick wanted to lose weight fast so he said he would exercise every day. I
suggested that, given his busy work and social life, it might be an unrealistic goal.
We decided Warwick would try for five exercise sessions per week, and that he
would set a minimum standard: no less than four sessions per week no matter
how busy he was.

At his next coaching session, Warwick admitted he was shocked at how often,
despite his best intentions, he was unable to stick to his game plan of five sessions
per week. He realized that without the minimum standard of four sessions he
would have been tempted to throw away the whole exercise idea altogether. “It
just becomes too hard,” he said.

Setting minimum standards removes the temptation to fall into an ‘all or nothing
cycle’. You get busy; you postpone the bike ride. You feel tired; you miss your
swim. By then you are thinking, That’s it, I can’t do it, and you give up

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exercising for the rest of the week. It is very difficult to get motivated again after
experiencing failure.

Minimum standards allows you to make progress on any project you undertake
whether it is writing, study, exercise, redecorating. Just determine the minimum
number of sessions you will commit to, regardless of how busy, sick or distracted
you are, then stick to it.

Rituals

A ritual is a little routine that leads you naturally into your course of action.
David is an artist in his fifties. He is retired and has plenty of time yet he
struggled to get motivated to pick up his brushes. He couldn’t understand his
reluctance because he loves painting.

Examining David’s routine, we saw that each morning he distracted himself by

checking his stocks on Internet and ‘forgot’ about painting. David set up a new
routine – he made a coffee and walked straight past the computer to his studio. He
set up his paints and brushes and drank his coffee on the deck. After this
reflective time, he was ready to paint.

Months later, David is a fulfilled, productive artist. He laughs at how he used to

unwittingly sabotage his dreams of being an artist. David says that his pre-
painting coffee ritual on the deck each morning is now the most treasured part of
his day. Rituals are a safeguard against distractions and a gentle reminder of what
it is you really want to do.

Rewards

When I introduce my clients to the idea of rewarding themselves for sticking to

their game plan, they sheepishly admit they have never considered that they
deserve rewards, therefore they are at a loss to create a list of potential rewards. Is
this you, too?

Think about things you do now that you enjoy: visiting friends, beach walks,
buying plants. Use them as rewards. Put off the visit, the walk, the new plant until
after you have completed the task. You’ll enjoy the activity even more because
you achieved your goal.
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Leighton is a college student in his teens. He was struggling to focus on his
studies and his grades were slipping. He came to coaching for motivation. We
realized that the goal-post of end of year exams was too far away (and not very
appealing) so we came up with an on-going reward system to encourage him to
study regularly.

Leighton loved going to the movies and new computer games. He got into the
habit of only allowing himself to buy new games and watch movies after he
completed his study for the week. It was a complete reversal: Leighton used to
watch movies and play computer games instead of studying. Within weeks, he
was on top of his studies.

Action is a challenge when you are not motivated. If you are struggling to get out
of bed each morning, give yourself a huge pat on the back for completing that one
task. You are a winner just by putting both feet on the floor each day.

Behold the turtle: he makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.
(James Bryant Conant)

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 YOU MATTER:
WHY DO PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME?

You are a child of the Universe…you have a right to be here.

(Desiderata)

You are the most important being in the Universe, and that is true of everyone.
God created everyone to be equal, and for you to think less of yourself is to insult
his handiwork. So do not hide your light and do not allow others to diminish it.
Do yourself and God a favor and love yourself.

* * *

Some people command respect wherever they go, while others are walking
doormats. What is the difference? People who attract respect believe they deserve
to be treated well, therefore they don’t tolerate abusive behavior; they have
strong, healthy boundaries. People with no boundaries invite physical, emotional
and mental abuse.

Boundaries

Lydia lives in Australia, half a world away from her dysfunctional family in the
United Kingdom, which suits her nicely. Lydia has a peaceful, busy life with her
husband and two teenage children.

One day Lydia’s sister in the UK phoned out of the blue (there had been no
contact for several years). Lydia could tell from her sister’s voice that a request
was coming. Lydia’s sister’s friend had a teenage daughter in Australia on a
working visa. The girl was desperately homesick – could Lydia look after her?
She is such a lovely girl.

Lydia’s daughter was dancing in a production and Lydia was working hard to
keep the family routine intact. She stayed calm and reasoned with her sister. It
was simply not possible, why didn’t the girl stay in a hostel and find her own job?
Lydia’s sister refused to listen and finally admitted that the girl was on a bus,
heading for Lydia’s house!

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Lydia rang her life coach. She was very upset, wanting to know what to do before
the homesick teenager arrived on her doorstep. After much discussion, Lydia
decided she would not let the girl into her house. She would drive her straight to a
hostel and settle her in, then maybe invite her for dinner that night to be
hospitable.

The reality was far different to Lydia’s intention. The girl arrived on her doorstep,
and Lydia invited her in. The girl stayed one night…two nights…and on the third
day Lydia phoned her coach in a highly distressed state. Lydia admitted she
would find it very difficult to tell the girl to leave, even though she was by now
very angry with her.

A bus ticket and a great deal of stress later the girl left and Lydia got her life back
again. Why did it go so far? Simply because Lydia put the girl’s needs ahead of
her own. If Lydia had stuck to her original intention, to drive the girl directly to a
hostel, the situation would not have escalated to the point it did.

It is very important to have clear boundaries about what behavior is acceptable

and what is totally unacceptable. Lydia has learned a powerful lesson about
strengthening her boundaries: she won’t be taken advantage of in such a way
again. She knows what is best for her and her family and she will trust that
instinct in future.

Neutral Communication

When you are talking to someone who intimidates you, do you find they trample
all over your feelings? It seems as if you lose your voice and become invisible. In
fact, you do have power in such situations and there is a peaceful solution to
inflamed communication. It is a case of finding ‘neutral’ communication and
diffusing the heated emotion.

It is impossible to communicate rationally with someone when one or both of you

is angry. What you need to do is excuse yourself from the person. If you are on
the phone, explain that something has come up and you will call back. If you are
face to face, say that you need to go to the bathroom.

When you are alone in your private space, take a few deep breaths to calm down.
When your heart rate has settled, think of your ‘wallpaper person’. You will have
already decided who that person is – someone you neither love nor dislike, they
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are just there in the background of your life like wallpaper. Picture yourself
talking to them.

Still thinking of your ‘wallpaper person’, return to the person you were
communicating with and resume where you left off. You will find that the highly-
charged atmosphere starts to mellow and you can express yourself calmly and
reasonably. It is always necessary to neutralize a situation before you can reach a
resolution.

Remember at all times that your feelings do matter. People will only take
advantage of your good nature and gentle ways if you let them. You don’t have to
turn into a tyrant to protect your feelings – just be clear about what behavior is
acceptable and what is not. Creating boundaries is a personal, private,
empowering decision.

Support Crew

You can make life much easier for yourself by identifying your personal support
crew. This is a network of people who love you unconditionally, who will support
and encourage you and never put you down.

Fran was planning an exciting new career direction as a fashion designer. It was a
major leap away from her life as an office administrator. During our coaching
sessions, we discussed who will support her as she takes this crucial fork in her
life path.

Fran drew up a list of her support crew members. She wanted to include her
parents but realized they would probably express disapproval at her choice of
‘frivolous’ career, so she reluctantly left them off the list. She wanted to include
her sister, who she was very close to, but realized that her sister would be jealous
so she was left off the list, too.

Finally, there were just four names on the list: her partner and three friends. It was
a sobering experience for Fran to see that several people she loved, and loved her,
had conditions to that love that prevented them from fully supporting her. The
four people on the list were to be vital to Fran’s future direction.

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Your support crew is like oxygen: they enhance your life and support your very
existence without criticism or opinion. Take the time to identify your support
crew then make their day by telling them how much they mean to you.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.

The really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
(Mark Twain)

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 ZEN:
CAN I EXPERIENCE A DEEPER REALITY?

Close your eyes and you will see clearly.

Cease to listen and you will hear the truth.
(Taoist poem)

When you meditate, you plug into the source of all Light, which is God. If you
are not regularly meditating, even for just five minutes a day, you are stumbling
around blindly in the dark. Meditation softens the hard edges of life, creates a
breathing space. Slow down… plug into the Light… breathe…

* * *

Zen teaches you that to know your essential nature – your soul – you need to
make time to reflect on it. The most effective way to get in touch with your soul
is by removing yourself from the distractions of daily life through meditating or
connecting with nature.

The Taoist poem gives an interesting insight into the ironic world of Zen. Zen
takes concepts we are familiar with and turns them completely upside down.
How, for instance, can you see clearly if you close your eyes? And how can you
hear the truth if you stop listening? On the surface it does not appear to make
sense.

That is because the answers lie in your soul, not your personality. Your
personality believes you must open your physical eyes to ‘see’, while your soul
knows that true ‘seeing’ comes from deep within. Your personality thinks
listening is about hearing others speak, whereas your soul knows it is about
heeding your intuition.

Zen is a bit like housekeeping – negativity settles into your mind just as dust
settles on furniture. If you regularly clear your mind of negativity, you can
connect to your soul nature. You will feel happier with your life, more inclined to
reach out to other people. Peace is found within you and cannot be obtained from
outside circumstances.

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 Meditation

Do you think that other people are ‘better’ at meditating than you? Be assured
that it is not a competition. Each person’s experience of meditation is their own;
there is no right or wrong way to meditate. I tried many different methods of
meditation over the years, despairing that I could not settle into a regular
meditation practice.

Then I went on a silent meditation retreat. I love silent meditation: it is a soothing

contrast to my life as a wife, mother and life coach. While I was on the retreat, I
realized that I had a strong desire to meditate. I needed regular spiritual
connection. I became committed to creating a simple meditation practice.

When I arrived home, the first thing I noticed was that I didn’t have a space I
could call my own, a personal sanctuary, so I set out to make one. I moved a big
plant in the lounge and created a meditation corner complete with cushion and a
small table displaying favorite crystals and spiritual icons. It lifted my spirits
immediately.

I decided all I had to do was go to this corner and sit there most days, even if just
for five minutes. At first it was hard to still my thoughts – they took advantage of
a clear space and went crazy. However, I persevered and soon I looked forward to
sitting in my peaceful corner (cross-legged is my preferred posture, but you must
be comfortable).

A simple meditation you might try is to imagine a pink rose in your heart area.
The rose represents ‘loving kindness.’ Surround your body with pink light from
the rose then send it around the room and out to world in all directions: north,
south, east, west, above and below. You might say ‘peace’ as you send out the
pink light.

Maybe you do not have a free corner in your house for setting up a meditation
sanctuary. There are other forms of meditation, including reflective. I have
walked most days for many years and I find it the ideal activity for reflective
meditation. It is because the body is engaged in a repetitive activity, freeing the
mind to reflect on deeper ideas.

You can do reflective meditation any time your body is engaged in repetitive
activity. I have many enlightening meditations while I am ironing, gardening or

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vacuuming. If the activity is continuous, and does not involve decision making, it
is perfect for reflective meditation. Housework has never looked so good!

It doesn’t matter how or where you choose to meditate, whether it is ten minutes a
week or two hours a day; the important thing is that you try to connect with your
soul. There is huge freedom in knowing you are more than your demanding
physical body.

Mindfulness

Another way to connect with your soul is to practice the Buddhist art of
mindfulness. Mindfulness simply means ‘being mindful’ of whatever you are
doing. If you are walking, walk slowly and focus intently on each footstep (bare
feet is especially enjoyable). Notice the way your body moves, feel how your feet
touch the ground.

Eating is an excellent way to practice mindfulness. Try breakfast. Eat your toast
or cereal slowly, deliberately, focusing on the taste of each mouthful. Don’t talk,
read or listen to the radio: concentrate entirely on the activity of eating. We eat
every day, but usually absent-mindedly. Being mindful means every part of you is
fully involved, with no distractions. You might discover something magical about
nibbling buttery toast.

Nature

The easiest place to practice the art of Zen is outdoors in nature. In the forest, by
the river, lake or sea, you will feel close to the divine energy that reminds you of
your relationship with your soul. It does not require effort or discipline once you
are there; you will naturally feel the deeper connection.

The most difficult part of nature Zen, especially when you live in the city, is
making the time to do it. I am committed to regular nature excursions to recharge
my soul batteries, yet sometimes a month will go by and I have not managed to fit
it in. Prioritize. Plan well ahead. Schedule nature trips into your diary.

Once you are there, you’ll wonder why it took you so long. Listen to the birds,
listen to the water; listen to the wind in the trees. You cannot ‘see’ the wind, yet

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its power and energy are all around you, just like the power and energy of the
universe.

Listen for the silence. Zen is about moving beyond logic to a state where anything
is possible, even listening to silence. You will find that your heart rate slows, your
thought process stills, and peace will wrap itself around you like a warm cloak.

The final word goes to Anne Frank, the courageous teenager who wrote a diary
while in hiding from the Nazis in Amsterdam during World War Two. For two
years Anne gazed at the stars from an attic window, longing to be outdoors. She
died at age sixteen in a concentration camp just weeks before the end of the war:

The best remedy if you are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere
you can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.
(Anne Frank)

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 Summary

Thank you for sharing my insights – I very much enjoyed writing them and I hope
you enjoyed reading them.

What matters most to me is this: That you identify and honor your life purpose
and that you always keep moving forward. Start today. Make one tiny change that
brings you closer to achieving your life purpose.

This book is a special part of mine. God bless...

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