Making Home

At the age of twenty, I found myself homeless. The fallout of domestic violence and the
resulting ruin of my parent’s twenty year marriage left my mother and I stranded. We made due
with jumping from relative to relative each week until my mother decided she wanted to return to
the vacant house I had lived in my whole life. We weren’t homeless in the sense of “without
appropriate shelter.” There was a house with three bedrooms, a large living room and kitchen,
and a six car garage waiting for us. However, this house was not my home anymore. It was the
vessel of fear and paranoia that had been plaguing my sleep ever since we escaped from it. I
was, in this understanding, homeless for another three years.
Janisse Ray documents in her novel Wild Card Quilt her journey returning to her
hometown and building a new life for her and her son. Ray explores the many obstacles she and
her family faced when restoring her grandmother’s old home. These challenges, however, are not
always physical issues of construction and aesthetics. Ray also runs into the question of
reconstructing the presence and memories of people who have passed. Through the physical
restoration of her grandmother’s long-forsaken house, Ray explores her responsibilities to carry
on her grandmother’s legacy and reignite the soul of her new home.
One night, my fiance and I were visiting his father and stepmother at their farm. It was
nighttime and my fiance said how he had never seen stars shine as bright as they did here. I
laughed. Though the sight was pretty, the distant illumination of the city prevented many stars
from shining. I thought about the house I grew up in and how since there wasn’t a city around,
the night sky glittered with stars unhindered. I felt a strong need to go back and show my fiance
what true nighttime looks like. It wasn’t long before I remembered that would be impossible. I
could never go back to that sky again.
Ray begins the restoration of her grandmother’s house by focusing on the physical
aspects of the dwelling. She narrates how her and her family begin rebuilding the foundation,
forcing her to go without water for a few days, and work at reconstructing the house to where it
was livable: “slowly we made the house ours” (19). These descriptions demonstrate the physical
elements Ray puts into the home. She must devote her time to the building or otherwise the
house will collapse like many structures around it. However, Ray also goes on to explain how
when she was rebuilding the house, “Despite how my heart was wrenched, faced as I was with
the hardest reminders of my childhood (being where the memories happened was making them
raw again), I’d never been more content than at the farm, as if I’d lived my whole life to come
back” (19). Being among the setting of her childhood, Ray battles between her bad memories of
the place and her sense of belonging to the area. This demonstrates how reconstructing her
grandmother’s home doesn’t only take place in a physical sense, but also happens in the
reconstructed memories Ray experiences while working on the home.
I had only ever returned to the house once after my mother and I moved out officially. It
was almost a year later and my father had died from cancer. They buried him in a graveyard that
was a quick five minute walk down the road from my childhood house. When the service was
over, I walked down the hill and stopped when I reached the curved driveway. At first, I saw
nothing but an empty structure, but then I saw my brother and I, almost ghost-like, playing in the
creek behind the house. I saw my mother teaching me how to plant tomatoes and my father
teaching me how to parallel park. I saw, for only a few seconds, the spirit of my home. Then I
saw my brother, the present version now, racing down from the hill, screaming at me to get away
from the house and that I should never go back there. After one last look, I left.
Ray continues to repair the house, and begins remembering her memories growing up
there. Ray narrates her time as a child visiting her grandmother’s and the memories she has of
her relatives. After reminiscing, Ray remarks, “What is it in us that wants to return to the dream
of childhood, to reenact it or fix it? What is it in us that keeps coming back to that potent place?”
(33). These questions demonstrate the blurred understanding Ray has of her role in this new
project. However, Ray then answers these questions, by saying, “I don’t think the house is a
dwelling anyone thought would last. Yet it stands, and because it represents what lasts, or what
so far has lasted, I was happy to live in it. Something from long ago was yet alive, both inside
and outside of me. Finally the two were one” (33). Ray’s answer is important as she explains that
there is still a spirit lingering in the forgotten home. By restoring the house, Ray is also restoring
the spirit of what once lived there.
When we fled from the house, we went to my mother’s childhood home. Her father, my
grandfather, still lived there with his girlfriend Rosemary. While my mother recounted the night’s
horrors to her father, I stood at the end of the porch on watch for any sign of mine. Rosemary put
a quilt around my shoulders; one that she told me was made by my great grandmother. The quilt
was heavy and rough; after a while, I could feel that my great grandmother was with me at that
moment. The weight of the quilt felt like a hug and I was filled with such a powerful force of love
from the strongest woman I ever knew. When it had passed, I looked back at my family behind
me. Our lives were forever changed by this night, but this would not be the end of us. My great
grandmother wouldn’t have allowed it - neither then would I.
Ray’s restoration of her grandmother’s home also explored the history of the property and
the lives of those who lived there. Ray’s greatest moment of connection to the house comes when
she remembers the people who are now passed: “By day and by night, I could feel the presence
of those who had also known and lived this land, who had brought my life into being, whose
names were written in stone in the graveyards or lost forever. I lived much closer to the dead
than the half mile to the cemetery would indicate” (34). Ray explains here that not only does
restoring the house bring her physically closer to her past relatives, but it brings her closer to the
spiritual legacy they leave behind. Ray finally finds her role in the restoration process after
connecting with this spirit: “Now it was my duty and my honor to be the keeper of my
grandmother’s house, to uphold, rebuild, and sustain it, and to decide what parts of it to replace
when they deteriorated… In that bending, I was becoming her” (35). In these vows, Ray finally
restores the soul of her grandmother to the new home. Her role is to continue the work of her
grandmother and begin this new life as her grandmother would intend her to.
Ray’s description of the restoration process for her grandmother’s home illustrates the
journey Ray goes on to find her role in this new life she’s creating. Ray describes the importance
of vocalizing this process: “By understanding what you feel as love, by naming love, you claim
it. By claiming a thing, you give it life. Then when something happens to yank it away from you,
you are prepared for the sorrow that befalls. You are prepared to create anew that which is
beloved. Then you will do whatever you can to keep it alive” (47). By detailing this experience,
Ray gives name to her goal and motivation of living in her grandmother’s legacy. This spiritual
connection is significant to Ray’s journey as it solidifies her determination not only to restore the
house but resurrect the legacy of her grandmother.
I would name love as safety. I would name home as a place of feeling safe. Looking back
at my childhood house, I can find many memories of happiness and joy but I find very few
memories where I felt safe. Now, sitting in my office, my cat sitting next to me, quiet music
playing in the background, and the sound of my fiance and dog playing outside the closed door, I
can say I feel truly safe. I feel truly loved. I am finally home.

Works Cited
Ray, Janisse. (2003). Wild Card Quilt: Taking a Chance on Home. Milkweed Editions.