WHAT GROWING UP BEING

GENDER-FLUID IS LIKE

Growing up I was always asking myself “am I only allowed to only be the gender
I’m assigned since birth?” or when Disney princesses say things like “you can be
whoever you want” I almost always ask questions that goes like “then I can be a
girl? But I want to be boy sometimes too, being a girl is too hard, but I still want to
be someone I’ve always wanted to be which is to be a girl, what do I do?” I was an
epitome of what feminine energy is but I was also the most masculine person I
know somedays too, I didn’t know the terms to use when addressing this part of
me when I was a kid,

I’ve been hiding this part of myself for so long It was almost suffocating in terms
of my early relationships my partners would break up with me for similar reasons
like “I can’t find the real you at the moment, I hope you can find the person that
will love you for whoever you want to be” or “I don’t know if the person I’m
dating is the person I thought I knew, you keep changing things about yourself and
it’s making it hard for me to love you for whoever you are” and even “I love you
more than words can ever express but there’s this part/side of you that I can’t
seem to connect with and is hard to love, it pains me to say this but I hope you find
a better person than me to love every part and side of whoever you are”

There will always be the words like who, what, which, and why in my head “who
am I? what part of me am I? which one is which?” and the worst one will forever
be “why am I like this?” these tiny seemingly harmless questions have been
haunting me like unwanted scars and secretly breaking me little by little which I
didn’t know was there in me the whole time I felt like I was betraying this one part
of myself if I just choose this and reject the other, 2 was my favorite number but it
was quickly ruined because of my ever burdensome overthinking brain filled with
a cacophony of self-destructing voices telling me “no one will ever love you for
who you are “ none of my parents knew this (they still don’t but they already have
an idea of it that gives me a small bit of freedom to express myself) was happening
to me, they only knew the bubbly and helpful child they’ve raised, I already
expected they already growing expectations for me as I grew up, but when I tried
to come out they were very against it and I just brushed it off, but they also left
very traumatizing things they’ve said to in a form of threat to just hide this part of
myself like “the types of people like you are the one’s that will never be trusted in
business situations because each and every person I’ve met that chose the same
path that you are going through have been very terrible and dirty people, we’re
not saying this to threaten you, we’re just saying this to warn you to not grow up
like those people, you’re going to grow up the way we raised you as a perfect child
that is made to impress and honor their family’s efforts and recognize their
sacrifices and one day