Module Two

Relationship Skills:
Building Friendships
In this module, participants will learn how giving and receiving positive strokes can build
strong relationships.

Objectives Lesson Plan (Approx. 90 minutes)

• Experience the
effects of giving Review Homework (10 minutes)
and receiving
Before we begin today’s lesson on building
positive strokes.
friendships, let’s review your homework from last
• Learn the week.
difference between
receiving positive What intentional efforts did each of you choose to
strokes and do/try over the past week? How did it affect your
discounting. family?
• Learn how to listen
and have empathy. Is there anything anyone would like to share about
their “Help List” or anything we talked about last
week?

The Human Knot (10 minutes)

Adapted from Promoting Alabama Youth Development (PAYD)

Now let’s begin today’s lesson with an activity to

illustrate interdependence and the importance of
communicating with people to whom you are
connected, particularly with regard to problem-
solving.

[Divide participants into groups of 6 to 8

participants plus a facilitator.]

Every person should get into a circle with the people

in their group. Reach across and take the hands of
two different people standing on the other side of the

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 circle. Be sure that you do not hold hands with the
person next to you.

Once everyone has grabbed hands, a human knot

has been formed. The challenge is to untangle the
knot without letting go of each others’ hands. Be
sure to take your time in untangling the knot, and
make sure no one gets their arm twisted in a way
that hurts.

[Note: It is possible to have two distinct circles

result from one knot at the end of the activity.]

Discussion [Once the knot is untangled, ask the following

questions.]
How did it feel to be in the human knot?
How did you talk to each other in order to untangle
the human knot?
How did you make sure nobody was hurt?
Was it helpful to have other people offer suggestions
on how to untangle?
Did different people have different perspectives?
What is an example in real life when everyone
depends on each other to do their part?

In real life, most of what we experience involves

people affecting each others’ lives. We can do that
in a positive, helpful way or in a negative way. Let’s
talk about some ways we interact with others in
positive ways.

Positive strokes (25 minutes)

Adapted from Caring for My Family and Smart Steps

People of all ages have a “hunger” or desire to have

their human psychological needs met. One desire is
the need to feel that others recognize the positive
things about you. Everyone has positive
characteristics.

Also, it has been found that the break-down of a

relationship is not necessarily the build-up of
negatives or “bad stuff”, but the decrease in
positives: the “good stuff” in the relationship.
Researchers have found that good relationships –
especially good couple relationships – have 5
positives words/actions for every 1 negative. What

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 positives words/actions for every 1 negative. What
they find is that these people who have lots of
positives in their relationship, handle the negatives
better.

Handout: (5 minutes) [Explain the four types of strokes listed on the

Strokes handout “Strokes.”]

Sometimes, we just seem to get out of practice in

giving others positive strokes – or maybe we never
had really good examples of how to give others
positive strokes. Try to practice giving positive
Activity (10 minutes) strokes so that it becomes a habit for you. Practice
Handout: Examples of the four types of strokes on the handout with the
Strokes person sitting next to you until you have each had
several turns. Complete the worksheet, “Examples
of Strokes.”

Activity (10 minutes) Now take a few minutes to complete the worksheet
Handout: What I Like “What I Like About You.” When you are finished,
About You share your list with your partner if he/she is with you.
If not, then share the list with him/her later.

Optional In-Class [Optional Activity’s Instructions: Give out index

Activity (10 minutes) cards to participants—one for their partner and
[Distribute index cards] several for their family members.
Write positive strokes for
others on index cards Now we are going to build upon what you have
learned so far in this lesson by doing another
activity. Everyone has received some index cards.
Write two positive strokes for your partner and/or
your family members on these cards. Just a word or
phrase is fine. Be sure to use only one card per
person.

When thinking of positive strokes for these people,

here are some things to keep in mind:
What is something you like about this person?
What is something he/she does well?

Either have them share these strokes with the

person(s) they are with in class, or have them
take them home to share them.]

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 Discounting (15 minutes)
Adapted from Caring for My Family

In order to increase our self-esteem, we must be

aware of how we strengthen ourselves. You have
already learned what giving positive strokes
involves. In contrast, the term, discounting, means
anything that devalues us as human beings.
Discounting can have negative effects. When you
receive a compliment, accept it as a positive stroke.
Receiving a positive stroke is just as important as
giving positive strokes. Don’t discount the
compliment by having negative thoughts or
disagreeing.

Activity (5 minutes) Let’s see how discounting happens. [Role-play

Verbal and Non-Verbal with co-facilitator or participant. The facilitator
Discounting should demonstrate discounting.

* Co-facilitator (or participant) compliments the

facilitator, “You look so nice in those clothes.”
* The facilitator turns it into a negative. S/he
might respond by looking embarrassed, shaking
heads, looking down, or disagreeing with the
compliment. “This old thing. It’s about ready for
the rag bag.”]

[Ask participants the following process

Discussion (10 minutes) questions.]
1. What are the verbal cues and body language that
indicate ways to discount positive strokes?
2. Did you see any body language that showed that
the stroke was being discounted?
3. What are some of the ways you discount the
positive strokes given to you?
4. What are some of the positive ways you might
respond to a stroke?
5. How can you prevent yourself from discounting a
positive stroke?

Optional Section Active Listening (15 minutes)

Adapted from Caring for My Family

[Optional Information: In addition to the importance

of positive strokes, listening is also a crucial part of
good communication with your partner, as was

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 shown in the Relationship Workout. To help you
develop good communication, it might be helpful
now to practice listening to others.

Optional Activity Pick a partner, perhaps someone you haven’t

Active listening worked with in class before, and decide who will be
the speaker (the person doing the talking) and who
will be the listener (the person receiving the
message). First, the speakers will tell their partners
a story about something that happened to them.

You can use one of the below story starters, or tell

another story that you would like to use:
Yesterday morning, I…
For birthdays in my family, we…
My favorite memory from when I was a child is…

When the speakers finish telling their story, the

listeners must repeat the story back to the speakers.
The speakers will then tell the listeners if the story
was accurate or not and tell the listeners the correct
information in the story. In good communications,
the listener gives feedback about what was said and
then the speaker responds about the accuracy of the
listener.

Once participants have gone through the

activity, have the speakers and listeners switch
roles and repeat the activity.]

Challenges in Relationship Building

(20 minutes)
Adapted from Caring for My Family

(5 minutes—go over Relationships improve when we learn how to

intro info) understand another’s point of view. Listening skills
are essential to understanding someone else’s point
of view. When practiced over time, we can develop
better relationships and interact with others more
positively and constructively.

Everyone has a unique set of experiences that

shape his or her values and expectations in a
relationship. This is where miscommunications may
occur. One way to reduce this is by using non-
defensive listening skills to break up conflict and

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 tension in the communication process. Non-
defensive listening is listening without feeling the
need to defend yourself and without triggering
defensiveness. Listen to what the other person is
saying without thinking about how you are going to
defend yourself or attack what that person is saying.
The point is to avoid letting the conversation develop
into a negative cycle. Try to put yourself in the other
person’s place.

(15 minutes—movie [Play movie clips. Pause after each movie clip to
clips and discussion) discuss.]

[Ask the following questions after each movie

clip.]
Identify with one of the persons:
Why was he/she behaving that way?
What was he/she thinking?
What was he/she feeling?

Now think about the other person:

Why was he/she behaving that way?
What was he/she thinking?
What was he/she feeling?

[Once you have finished showing all movie clips

and addressed the above questions, ask
participants the questions below.]

Is it easy or difficult to think about both sides of the

situation?
How can you help yourself have this approach when
you are in a discussion/conflict with someone?
What did the characters do well in their
communicating?
What do they need to improve?

The Relationship Workout (10 minutes)

Adapted from Smart Steps

As you can see, it is important to give positive

strokes to each person you know, as well as to
receive positive strokes from them when they are
given. However, it is particularly important to have
this positive form of communication with your partner
on a daily basis, and it can be done in just minutes a

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 day.

[Go over the “Relationship Workout” handout

Handout: and discuss the feasibility of putting these
The Relationship Workout actions into practice. Ask them to post this
“workout” on their refrigerator and try it for at
least a week (actually habits take a month to
form).]

Part of building and maintaining our friendships with

our partner is “knowing” each other—our likes, our
dislikes, our hopes, our dreams. This work builds our
connection on a deeper level. Over the next week,
Handout: select some of the questions from the “I Know You”
I Know You handout and ask each other. This should be fun and
interesting. Do not feel badly if your partner does not
know the answer to a question—use that opportunity
to share this information with him/her so that he/she
can know you better.

Closing
Adapted from Caring for My Family

Handouts: [Give participants the action plan handouts for

Action Plan—Positive both positive strokes and discounting and the “I
Strokes, Action Plan— Appreciate…” handout to take home and
Discounting, complete.]
I Appreciate…
Over the next week, try to practice giving more
positive strokes to yourself and others. Also, try to
accept positive strokes when they are given to you.
Using the worksheets “Action Plan—Positive
Strokes” and “Action Plan—Discounting” develop a
plan for yourself this week about how to increase the
strokes you give and to stop discounting. Set aside
some time this week for your partner and you to play
the “I Know You” 20 questions game. Also, be sure
to complete the “I Appreciate…” handout to help you
think of at least three characteristics you appreciate
in your partner.

Reference

Berne, Eric (1964). Games People Play: The

Psychology of Human Relationships. New York:
Ballantine Books (reissued – August 1996).

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 S trokes
Eric Berne points out in his book Games People Play that humans are “stroke
hungry.” This means that in order to have a full and meaningful life, a
person has to be acknowledged by others. A stroke is defined as a unit of
human recognition.

As infants, we receive most of our strokes through touch; in fact, studies have
shown that infants have died because of a lack of touch. Touch remains a
stroke throughout life, but as we mature, words and various non-verbal ways
of getting strokes are added. If we don’t get enough strokes, we suffer from
stroke hunger. It is important for us to understand that strokes are NOT A
LUXURY BUT A BASIC NECESSITY for us to survive.

Strokes can be positive or negative. A simple hug is a positive stroke and

usually makes the recipient feel good. This is the kind of strokes we like to
receive. When people do not get positive strokes, they would rather have
negative strokes than none at all. For example, a person can learn to survive
being yelled at or ridiculed more easily than being ignored or treated with
indifference. With negative strokes, at least the individual’s presence is
acknowledged.

Positive and negative strokes can also be given for doing something, for
behaving in a certain way. This is called a conditional stroke.

Examples of different types of strokes are illustrated below.

DOING BEING

(conditional) (unconditional)
POSITIVE You did very well on your exam. I like you.

NEGATIVE You didn’t do it right. You’re stupid.

Adapted from Caring for My Family

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 S trokes
Examples of Strokes
+ Doing (conditional) + Being (unconditional)
– Doing – Being
Put these statements into the correct category: positive/negative,
doing/being
You did a good job changing that diaper.

Why can’t you be like your brother and be smarter?

You are a really interesting person.

I love you.

I love you when you give me a back rub.

You’re very special to me.

Good job!

You’re doing that the wrong way.

You’re too fat.

You’re doing a good job practicing non-defensive

listening.
I like it when you give me positive strokes.

You’re very smart.

You’re a good person.

What are some other stroke statements?

Adapted from Caring for My Family

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 WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU
When we first met, what I immediately like about you was ________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

When you ________________________________or_____________________________

I feel really loved.

I appreciate ______________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

I’m really attracted to your _________________________________________________

Your best character traits are ________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Here’s some examples of when I’ve seen them __________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Now, share your list with your partner.

Adapted from Smart Steps

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 The Relationship Workout
A RELATIONSHIP CAN BE BUILT LIKE A BODY IN A GYM. But it doesn’t
require that much sweat. It takes only 5 hours per week. Here’s the training plan:

Exercise #1: Before saying goodbye to your partner in the morning, learn about one
important thing that’s happening in his/her life that day. This will break the “habit of
inattention” that eventually turns couples into strangers.

Repetitions: 2 minutes per day x 5 working days

Time: 10 minutes per week

Exercise #2: Decompress after work by discussing the most stressful parts of your day.
This will prevent job frustration from spilling over into your home life. When it’s his/her
turn to talk, resist the urge to give advice. Instead, be supportive and say you understand.

Repetitions: 20 minutes per day x 5 working days

Time: 1 hour 40 minutes per week

Exercise #3: Once a day, spontaneously tell your partner you appreciate something he or
she has done or that you admire a certain quality in him/her.

Repetitions: 5 minutes per day x 7 days

Time: 35 minutes per week

Exercise #4: Show affection outside the bedroom by occasionally kissing or touching
your partner.

Repetitions: 5 minutes per day x 7 days

Time: 35 minutes per week

Exercise #5: Plan a date once a week, just like when you were single. Go someplace, just
the two of you, and get reacquainted with each other.

Repetitions: Once a week

Time: 2 hours

Post this on your refrigerator and try it for a week – you’ll see amazing results!

Adapted from Smart Steps

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 “I KNOW YOU”
20 Questions Game
Play this game together in the spirit of laughter and gentle fun. The more you play, the more
you’ll learn about each other.

Step 1: Each of you should have a piece of paper and pen/pencil. Together, randomly decide on
twenty numbers between 1 and 60. Write the numbers down in a column on the left-hand side of
your paper.

Step 2: Below is a list of numbered questions. Beginning with the top of your column, match
the numbers you chose with the corresponding question. Each of you should ask your partner this
question. If your partner answers correctly (you be the judge), he or she receives the number of
points indicated for that question, and you receive one point. If your partner answers incorrectly,
neither of you receives any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the
person with the higher score after you’ve both answered all twenty questions.

1. Name my two closest friends. (2)

2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)
3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)
4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)
5. Where was I born? (1)
6. What stresses am I facing right now? (4)
7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)
8. When is my birthday? (1)
9. What is the date of our anniversary? (1)
10. Who is my favorite relative? (2)
11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)
12. What is my favorite flower? (2)
13. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)
14. What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking? (3)
15. What makes me feel most competent? (4)
16. What turns me on sexually? (3)
17. What is my favorite meal? (2)
18. What is my favorite way to spend an evening? (2)
19. What is my favorite color? (1)
20. What personal improvements do I want to make in my life? (4)
21. What kind of present would I like best? (2)
22. What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)
23. What was my favorite vacation? (2)
24. What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed? (4)
25. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)
26. What is my favorite sport? (2)
27. What do I most like to do with time off? (2)
Adapted from Gottman (1997)

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28. What is one of my favorite weekend activities? (2)
29. What is my favorite getaway place? (3)
30. What is my favorite movie? (2)
31. What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about
them? (4)
32. What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)
33. Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)
34. What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)
35. Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.” (3)
36. What would I consider my ideal job? (4)
37. What do I fear the most? (4)
38. Who is my least favorite relative? (3)
39. What is my favorite holiday? (2)
40. What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3)
41. What is my favorite TV show? (2)
42. Which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)
43. What am I most sad about? (4)
44. Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)
45. What medical problems do I worry about? (2)
46. What was my most embarrassing moment? (3)
47. What was my worst childhood experience? (3)
48. Name two of the people I most admire? (4)
49. Of all the people we BOTH know, who do I like the least? (3)
50. What is one of my favorite desserts? (2)
51. What is my social security number? (2)
52. Name one of my favorite novels. (2)
53. What is my favorite restaurant? (2)
54. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, wishes? (4)
55. Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? (4)
56. What foods do I hate? (2)
57. What is my favorite animal? (2)
58. What is my favorite song? (2)
59. Which sports team is my favorite? (2)

Adapted from Gottman (1997)

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 S trokes
Action Plan – Positive Strokes
I will practice giving positive strokes to:

Who:

How or what will you do?

When:

Who:

How or what will you do?

When:

I will practice getting positive strokes from:

Who:

How or what will you do?

When:

Who: MYSELF

How or what will you do?

When: EVERYDAY

Adapted from Caring for My Family

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 S trokes
Action Plan – Discounting
I currently use discounting in the following ways:

I will not use discounting when:

When someone gives me a compliment.

When someone says I did a good job.
When I know I did something positive.
When I look and feel good.
Other:
Other:

I will practice positive self-talk:

I will say good things to myself (either aloud or in my head)

everyday.
I will concentrate on doing the right thing for my baby and me.
I will forgive myself when I make mistakes.
Other:
Other:

Adapted from Caring for My Family

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 “I Appreciate…”
From the list below, circle three items that you think are characteristic of your partner. If
there are more than three, still circle just three. (You can circle another three if you
choose to do this exercise again.) If you’re having difficulty coming up with three, feel
free to define the word characteristic very loosely. Even if you recall only one instance
when your partner displayed this characteristic, you can circle it.

1. Loving 37. Vulnerable

2. Sensitive 38. Committed
3. Brave 39. Involved
4. Intelligent 40. Expressive
5. Thoughtful 41. Active
6. Generous 42. Careful
7. Loyal 43. Reserved
8. Truthful 44. Adventurous
9. Strong 45. Receptive
10. Energetic 46. Reliable
11. Sexy 47. Responsible
12. Decisive 48. Dependable
13. Creative 49. Nurturing
14. Imaginative 50. Warm
15. Fun 51. Virile
16. Attractive 52. Kind
17. Interesting 53. Gentle
18. Supportive 54. Practical
19. Funny 55. Lusty
20. Considerate 56. Witty
21. Affectionate 57. Relaxed
22. Organized 58. Beautiful
23. Resourceful 59. Handsome
24. Athletic 60. Rich
25. Cheerful 61. Calm
26. Coordinated 62. Lively
27. Graceful 63. A great partner
28. Elegant 64. A great parent
29. Gracious 65. Assertive
30. Playful 66. Protective
31. Caring 67. Sweet
32. A great friend 68. Tender
33. Exciting 69. Powerful
34. Thrifty 70. Flexible
35. Full of plans 71. Understanding
36. Shy 72. Totally silly

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For each item you checked, briefly think of an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic of
your partner. Write the characteristic and the incident in your notebook or journal as follows:

1. Characteristic____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Incident____________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________

2. Characteristic_____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Incident____________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________

3. Charactersitic_____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Incident____________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________

Adapted from Gottman (1999)

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