Module Five

What About Marriage?

In this module, participants consider the benefits of marriage and discuss healthy decisions
about relationships.

Objectives Lesson Plan (Approx. 90 minutes)

• Explore the
importance of a Introduction (5 minutes)
healthy marriage.
At our last session, we talked about the importance of
• Explore personal using your money wisely and saving money for your
and situation factors child’s future. Does anyone have any reactions or
that lead to a healthy experiences or thoughts they would like to share?
marriage.
• Learn how to make Let’s now turn to today’s lesson that is about what steps
healthy choices to take to have a happy marriage.
about relationships.
My Relationship History (10 minutes)
Adapted from Caring for My Family

Getting married is one way many people form a family.

Of course, it is not the only way. We are going to explore
marriage and the benefits it can bring to you, your child
and your child’s mother/father. We will also look at what
leads to a healthy marriage and begin thinking about the
role marriage might play in you and your partner’s future.

[Families experiencing domestic abuse need to be

given information about shelters and other resources
available to them. The information about getting
married is to plan for a future with a non-abusive
partner.]

Activity To get us thinking about marriage, take a few minutes to

Handout: My Relationship complete the handout “My Relationship History.” The
History purpose of this exercise is to get you thinking about your

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future.

The Case for Marriage (5 minutes)

Adapted from Caring for My Family

The majority of people in our society get married; some

people marry more than once! Many of us will have or
have had a plan to marry at some time in our lives.

Let’s learn a little more about marriage and the benefits

that may come from being married. Then, we will take a
look at some problems with marriage and ways that they
might be overcome.

First, a few facts about marriage:

• In 2000, 58% of all men and 54% of all women over

the age of 15 were married. In 1960, 69% of men and
66% of women were married.
(1960, Black males = 61%, White males = 70%; Black
females = 60%, White females = 67%. In 2000, Black
males = 43%, White males = 60%; Black females =
36%, White females = 57%.)

• For people age 35 through 44, 69% of men and 71%

of women were married. In 1960, 88% of men and
87% of women were married. (No race data available)

• In 2000, 8.3% of all men and 10.2% of all women over

age 15 were divorced. In 1960, 1.8% of men and 2.6%
of women were divorced.
(In 1960, Black males = 2%, White males = 2%; Black
females = 4.3%, White females = 2.5%. In 2000, Black
males = 9.5%, White males = 8.4%; Black females =
12%, White females = 10%.)

• In 1998, 4.2 million couples lived together without

being married. This is an increase from 439,000 in
1960. (No race data available.)

It is clear that fewer people are married and more are

divorced or living together today. Although this is the
case, the statistics show us that marriage continues to be
a very important part of many people’s lives, and it is still
a common experience. By the age of 35, over 90% of
men and women have married. Why is that the case?
What are the benefits of a stable marriage for your

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 What are the benefits of a stable marriage for your
family?

What the Experts Say About Marriage

(5 minutes)
Adapted from Caring for My Family

Handout: Many people have studied the effects of marriage on

What Experts Say About people and society. These experts found that the average
Marriage married person:
• Is healthier
• Lives longer
• Tends to have more money

They also found that children who live with their married
parents are more likely to:
• Get more education
• Have better marriages when they grow up
• Feel better about themselves and their lives

But it’s not just being married – it is the quality of the

marriage that is important. People with marital problems
tend to be:
• More depressed
• Get sick more often
• Have children who get sick more often
• Have children who are not well adjusted

And if people divorce, both their emotional health and

their physical health suffers. For example:
• Divorced adults have a greater chance of dying earlier
• Children whose parents divorce live an average of four
years less

Marriage is a mixed blessing. A healthy marriage leads to

healthier adults and children. But an unhealthy marriage
causes health problems and can even lead to a shorter
life.

Choosing To Marry
(30 minutes)
Adapted from Caring for My Family

As you can see, deciding to get married is one of the

most important decisions you can make. It will have a

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 lasting effect on your personal happiness, your health,
your children’s well-being and society.

Activity (5 minutes) Not everyone is ready to get married. Experts have

Handout: Are you ready for identified the kinds of issues that make developing a
marriage? healthy marriage more difficult. Let’s take some time to
consider the questions on the handout ”Are you ready for
marriage?” Check off some items that may apply to your
situation. Then, take a few minutes to talk to each other
about your responses.

[As a group, discuss these questions.]

Group Discussion • Do you know anyone who married someone with
(15 minutes) these kinds of issues/problems? What happened?
Marriage partner What could they have done differently?
characteristics • How can you use this information to avoid making
mistakes in your own relationship?
• Why is it important for you to carefully think about
these problems before you get married? (danger of
domestic abuse; higher risk of instability;
consider your children and the impact of an
unhappy marriage/relationship or of abuse)
• What are positive characteristics you can look for in a
partner? Turn around the negative traits in the list and
think about their opposite.
(adaptable and flexible; sensitive to others needs
and feelings; willing to work through problems;
emotionally stable; good communication skills;
are alike and have similar family backgrounds)

I also want to share information on unhealthy

relationships where one partner controls the other
partner. If any of you would like to talk with me privately
about your responses, we can do that at the end of class.
[Referrals to clinical services may be necessary.]

[Go over Power and Control Wheel to provide them

Handout: (5 minutes) information about identifying abuse. Do not invite
Power and Control Wheel comments about this information. Rather, emphasize
self-reflection. Also, be sure to emphasize that, while
the handout talks about the issues with regard to
females, it also can apply to males.]

In summary, making an informed decision about marrying

is important. It is also important to recognize that
unhealthy dating relationships can be just as damaging as
h lth i

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 unhealthy marriages.

Here are questions to ask yourself:

Handout: (5 minutes) • Do you believe that your future husband or wife will
Choosing to Marry change if you get married? The facts show that most
of us do not change very much or very quickly.
• Do you believe that you will be different when you get
married? Do you hope that getting married will give
you a fresh start and you can leave your problems
behind? Most of us bring “baggage” with us into our
marriages. If we had unhappy childhoods or don’t get
along well with our parents, we will carry these
problems into our marriage.
• Do you struggle with depression, anxiety, anger, being
overly sensitive to criticism, or having frequent mood
swings? Get help with these problems before getting
married. Work on building your relationship with your
own parents.
• Are you closing your eyes to your own or your
partner’s faults? Most of us tend to not see our
partner’s faults before we get married. Then after we
are married we notice every fault.

What Makes for a Healthy Marriage

(5 minutes)
Adapted from Caring for My Family

When we decide to get married, we all want a happy

marriage that will last. We know that both individuals and
society benefit when people get married and have a
healthy marriage. But what makes for a healthy marriage?
Many of the things we have been discussing and
practicing contribute to a marriage being healthy. Let’s
review these things now.

Most people believe that the key ingredient for marriage is

compatibility. That means a man and woman are alike in
many ways and do not disagree about many things. This
is important for a healthy marriage but it is not the only
thing.
Handout: John Gottman has studied married couples for many
What Makes for a Healthy years and has learned some important things about
Marriage healthy marriages.
• A marriage lasts when couples are able to manage the
disagreements and conflict that are a part of every
relationship.

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 • A marriage must have at least five positive moments
for every negative moment between the couple. In
other words, acts of kindness need to outweigh
criticism and other negative behavior by a ratio of five
to one.
• But it is not a matter of just being nice. Instead, it is
learning to calm oneself, to listen and respond non-
defensively, and to stick together even when the going
gets rough.
• Happy marriages are based on friendship—a mutual
respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.
Friendship also means that you take the time to really
know each other.
• Friendship offers protection against bad feelings
toward your spouse when you’re in conflict.
• In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a
deep sense of meaning by supporting each other’s
hopes and dreams, and by building a sense of
purpose into their lives together.

So, a healthy marriage involves more than marrying the

“right person.” It also involves learning to manage conflict,
to talk to each other, and to stay committed during the
tough times. It means becoming friends. The next
activity will help you to focus on becoming friends with
your partner.

Problem-Solving (10 minutes)

Adapted from Caring for My Family

So far, today we have learned about the importance of a

healthy marriage for our children and ourselves. We have
learned that sometimes people have problems that need
to be addressed before getting married. Also, we spent a
little time looking at what makes a healthy marriage.

Take a few minutes now to think about one problem you

Activity
have. Choose a problem that, if you can manage it or
Handout: The Problem
improve it, you will be more ready for a lasting
relationship, and write it down on the handout, “The
Problem.”

Next, write down two steps you can take to begin working
through this problem. Think about what strategies you
have learned in these classes that you could use.

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Tipping the Balance (5 minutes)
Adapted from Caring for My Family

One approach to working through a problem is to think

about the pros and cons of the choice you are
considering. Tipping the balance towards a desired
change makes you feel, think and believe that life will be
much better when you make this choice.

Experts suggest three strategies we can use to help us

make healthy choices:

The first strategy is pretty simple: Think before you act.

This means you consider what you are currently doing
and why you are doing it. In this step you ask yourself all
kinds of “why” questions. The exercises we have been
doing in the previous lessons were meant to help you
think about:
• Why do I want to build a strong family unit?
• Why do I want to get married?

The second step is to form a new picture of yourself

and your life in your mind. It is kind of like “day
dreaming” - only with a purpose. Think about a picture of
yourself and your family for each of the choices before
you:
• What happens in each?
• Imagine how you would think and feel about yourself.
Would you feel relieved? Happier? Would you be a
better role model for your children?
• Would others be pleased with you?
• Would you actually feel that you have grown?

The last step is to select your choice from among

several choices. This sounds so simple, but it can be
difficult. To make the best choice for you and your child,
you need to identify the pros and cons of the choices
before you.

For each choice you need to answer:

• What are the pros or good things if I make this choice?
• What are the cons or bad things if I make this choice?
• What do I really want?
• Does the choice match the things I think are most
important?

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 We are going to spend some time now practicing how to
make choices.

Case Study: Making Choices (15 minutes)

Adapted from Caring for My Family

Diane has a decision to make. She is a new mother who

Activity just finished high school and has to choose where she
Handout: Diane and Kevin wants to live and with whom.
Case Study
In groups of three or four people, read the case study on
Diane and Kevin. Using the steps to making a decision,
discuss and select the choice you would make if you
needed to make this decision. Continue talking about the
questions until you come to an agreement as a group on
the best choice.

Closing
During the next week, think over the aspects of a healthy
Handout:
marriage that we have discussed, as well as the thing you
What are my choices?
identified as something you wanted to change. Review
the handout “What are my choices?” as you think about
these things.

References
Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail . . .
and how you can make yours last. New York, NY: Simon
and Schuster.

Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making

marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Gabor, D. (1998). Big Things Happen When You Do the

Little Things Right. New York: MJF Books.

Prochaska, J. O., Norcross, J. C., and Diclemente, C. C.

(1994). Changing for Good. New York: Avon Books.

Untitled: http://www.habitsmart.com/tipping.htm

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 My Relationship History
♥How and when did you two meet?

♥What did you like about your child’s father/mother when you first met
him/her? What made you want to spend time with him or her?

♥At that time, what did you hope would happen in the relationship?

♥Are you still together? If you are no longer together, can you describe
what happened?

♥What do you hope to have happen in the future with your child’s father
or mother?

Adapted from Caring for My Family

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What the Experts Say About Marriage

Many people have studied the effects of

marriage on people and society. These experts
found that the average married person:

• Is healthier

• Lives longer

• Tends to have more money

They also found that children who live with

their married parents are more likely to:

• Get more education

• Have better marriages when they grow up

• Feel better about themselves and their lives

Adapted from Caring for My Family

69
 But it’s not just being married—it is the
quality of the marriage that is important.
People with marital problems tend to be:

• More depressed

• Get sick more often

• Have children who get sick more often

• Have children who are not well adjusted

And if people divorce, their health suffers.

For example:
• Divorced adults have a greater chance of dying
earlier

• Children whose parents divorce live an average

of four years less

Adapted from Caring for My Family

70
 Are You Ready for
Marriage?

Not every relationship is ready to move to marriage. Also, some

relationships should not move to marriage. The items in the “yellow
flag” area are things that you should talk about before getting
married. You probably will want to work on these. They will not get
better “magically” after marriage.

YELLOW FLAGS
Are you or your partner often very depressed, unsure of himself
or herself, and very anxious?
Do either of you ask over and over again, “Are you sure you love
me? Do you really care about me?”
Do you spend most of your time together arguing and
disagreeing?
Do either of you overreact to simple problems or situations?
Do you keep thinking, “Things will be better when we get
married”?
Does your partner want to make all the important decisions and
you resent it?
Are you feeling pressure to get married when you don’t want to?
When you spend a day alone with your partner (not watching
television), do you find you can’t stand it?
When your partner does things you cannot stand, are you afraid
to tell him or her because he or she will get mad and maybe lose
control?

Adapted from Caring for My Family

71
Items in the “red flag” area mean that you should not marry until these
things have been resolved. These are things that would put you and
your children at risk for abuse or neglect.

RED FLAGS
Is your partner an addict and not in recovery?
Does your partner physically or verbally abuse you or your
children?
Is your partner very controlling, and you are fearful?
Does your partner demand that you drop all your friends and not
see your family?
Does your partner get angry easily and lose control?
Does your partner take money that is needed to buy food and
other necessities?

To help avoid marrying someone with these problems, consider:

1. Recognizing these problems in yourself or your partner, and

getting help. Marriage does not cure personal problems. It only
makes them worse.
2. Waiting to get married until you are older or work through these
problems.
3. Getting to know your partner better before you get married.

ADAPTED FROM: Whom Not to Marry. Jeffry H. Larson, Ph.D., Family Studies
Center, Brigham Young University. URL:
http://beforeforever.byu.edu/publications/professor_articles/larson.htm
Adapted from Caring for My Family

72
Power & Control Wheel

73
 Choosing to Marry

Here are questions to ask yourself:

• Do you believe that your future husband or wife will

change if you get married? The facts show that most of
us do not change very much or very quickly.

• Do you believe that you will be different when you get

married? Do you hope that getting married will give
you a fresh start and you can leave your problems
behind? Most of us bring “baggage” with us into our
marriages. If we had unhappy childhoods or don’t get
along well with our parents, we will carry these
problems into our marriage.

• Do you struggle with depression, anxiety, anger, being

overly sensitive to criticism, or having frequent mood
swings? Get help with these problems before getting
married. Work on building your relationship with your
own parents.

• Are you closing your eyes to your own or your partner’s

faults? Most of us tend to not see our partner’s faults
before we get married. Then after we are married we
notice every fault.

Adapted from Caring for My Family

74
What Makes for a Healthy Marriage?

• A marriage lasts when couples are able to manage the

disagreements and conflict that are a part of every relationship.

• A marriage must have at least five positive moments for every

negative moment between the couple. In other words, acts of
kindness need to outweigh criticism and other negative
behavior by a ratio of five to one.

• But it is not a matter of just being nice. Instead, it is learning to

calm oneself, to listen and respond non-defensively, and to
stick together even when the going gets rough.

• Happy marriages are based on friendship—a mutual respect

for and enjoyment of each other’s company. Friendship also
means that you take the time to really know each other.

• Friendship offers protection against bad feelings toward your

spouse when you’re in conflict.

• In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep

sense of meaning by knowing and supporting each other’s
hopes and dreams, and by building a sense of purpose into
their lives together.

Adapted from Caring for My Family

75
 The Problem
Take a few minutes now to think about one problem you have. Choose a problem that
if you can solve it or just improve it, you will be more ready for a lasting relationship.

Next, write down two steps you can take to begin solving this problem.

(1)

(2)

??????????????

Adapted from Caring for My Family

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DIANE AND KEVIN CASE STUDY:
Making a Healthy Choice
Diane and Kevin recently had a baby girl. Diane and the baby

live with her mother in a single-wide trailer. Diane is finishing

up high school this year. Kevin also lives with his parents.

Kevin really wants to marry Diane. He says that he loves her

and the baby and wants to live with them full-time. Kevin

works part-time at a gas station. He does not have enough

money to rent a place for himself and Diane to live. Kevin’s

parents have invited Diane and the baby to live with them in

their house until they have enough money to get a place of their

own. Diane views Kevin’s parents as “pushy” and “opinion-

ated.” Diane is happy living with her mother, but is frustrated

because she would like to live with Kevin, too.

Adapted from Caring for My Family

77
Step 1: Identifying the Problem:
What decisions does Diane have to make?

Step 2: Tipping the Balance

Think Over the Decisions:
Why do you think that Diane wants to marry Kevin? How
important is it to her and her baby? How important is it to her
and her baby to move out of her mother’s house?

Picture Different Solutions:

• Imagine what may happen to Diane, Kevin, and the baby if
Diane decides to continue to live with her mother.
• Imagine what might happen to Diane, Kevin, and the baby if
Diane decides to live with Kevin (in Kevin’s parents’ house,
in another place).
• Imagine what would happen if Diane and Kevin decided to
marry?
• What happens in each scenario?
• Would she feel relieved? . . happier? . . .less frustrated?
• Which choice would be better for the baby?
• Would she feel as if she had grown?

Step 3: Making the Decision:

Carefully consider the “pros” and “cons” of Diane’s choices.
What decisions would you advise Diane to make?
Adapted from Caring for My Family

Decision-Making Tips
Here are some things to keep in mind as think about your pros and
cons:
• Focus on both the positives and negatives.
• If the cons outweigh the pros, one is probably not ready for change.
Spend more time gathering information about your options. The best
position for preparing for action is to have the pros of changing
slightly higher than the cons of changing.
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 What are my choices?

Get Married Remain Unmarried

Now Delay Co-Parent No involvement Other

Gain the knowledge Establish a Risk factors are What is another

and develop the skills healthy co- too great for the desired future
necessary for parenting other parent’s you wish to
maintaining a good relationship involvement. have? Are there
relationship with your with the other other
partner. parent of your Find other ways possibilities?
child. to incorporate a
Work together to gain male perspec-
the knowledge and tive into the
develop skills to be child’s life.
good parents to your
child.

Adapted from Caring for My Family

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