FOREIGN LANGUAGE SPECIALIZED SCHOOL

Writing
Portfolio
10 ENGLISH 6
Do Thi Hoai Anh
 Preface
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my writing portfolio !!!

This assignment is expected to reflect students'

improvements in writing skills through the process of
checking each other's essays. And considering what I have
done throughout the writing course, I believe it has
wonderfully completed the mission.

Though mistakes are still here and there, as they are

unavoidable, though I even read the topic carelessly and
excluded an important part of the third entry's first
draft, I can still proudly say I have put a lot of effort into
this, so I hope my teacher, Mrs. Dung would enjoy reading
it. 💖

Finally, special thanks to my writing group, who have

always been responsible companions; to my peers for your
generous marks and constructive comments; to 10 English
6 for creating such a friendly environment. Thank you,
Mrs. Dung, for being a patient, devoted, and conscientious
teacher. Love you all <333

Hoai Anh
FIRST
ENTRY
Type of essay: Compare - Contrast
Topic: iOS vs. Android
Time: week 2-3
Working pattern: group of 6
I am from: group 5 (essay checked
by group 4)
 Table of Contents
First entry.............................................4
first draft
group 1's comments
final version
references
Second entry........................................11
first draft (in class)
secon draft (with research)
peer's check
final version
resources
Third entry..........................................17
first draft
peer's check
final version
resources
Self-reflection.......................................
FIRST DRAFT FIRST DRAFT FIRST DRAFT FIRST DRAFT FIRST D

draft
With the smartphone industry as big as it is now, it’s not uncommon
to see the two rival companies of Apple with the iOS competing
with Google’s Android system. With their similar yet different
designs both striving for the top spot in the market, in this essay,
we hope to shed light on the topic by comparing the phones (1) and
their designs.

Like with (2) most phones, both the iOS and Android serve their
function as phones first and foremost with the inclusion of a calling
feature, texting, internet surfing along with storage for data.
While the specifics of these features, along with their
efficiencies, are what differentiates them (3),it is evident that
both of these phone lines fulfill their basic utility purpose.

Optimization is an important factor for many people when choosing

an operating system. It is a well-known fact that iOS is a closed
system, opposed to Android, which is more open. You have access
and complete control over your device with an Android device, but
with Apple, such features are not available (4). Android superiority
in this aspect comes at a cost, as it hinders security and makes it
easier for people to get into your phone.

When it comes to (5) UI design, it comes as no surprise that

Android and iOS are fierce rivals. While both of these designs are
streamlined to be user-friendly, certain design choices are meant
to set these phones apart as well. iOS opted for a convenient and
easily accessible interface with almost every function on display at
the home screen and only a few hidden menus. In comparison,
Android’s display interface is cleaner, many of its functions being
hidden in menus, which makes the overall design feel less cluttered
whilst maintaining the required apps for the phone to perform.

One crucial factor to consider when comparing iOS and Android is

the battery. The Androids’ are mostly larger, which allows longer

5
FIRST DRAFT FIRST DRAFT FIRST DRAFT FIRST DRAFT FIRST D
battery life. However, they require a lot more power to run, which
in turn drains the battery faster (6). On the other hand, IOS
batteries are much smaller in comparison, resulting in shorter
usage hours and faster power exhaustion. To make up for this,
Apple has optimized all programs for better energy consumption.

In reference to app installation, both Google Play and App Store

are considered safe as they vet (7) the apps beforehand.
Therefore, virus-infected apps are rare on Google Play and virtually
nonexistent on App Store. Since Android is available on more
devices, the range of apps on Google Play is also noticeably wider.
However, this makes Android more vulnerable to cybercriminals,
especially when downloading apps from third-party stores.
Similarly, iOS's security in general is believed to be superior,
considering the fact that its operating system, which is a closed
one, doesn't release the source code to app developers.

As far as price is concerned (8), Android is undoubtedly the winner.

As an open-source program, Android has all sorts of phone brands,
many of which are relatively cheap. However, the cost of these
phones often reflects their values. The cheapest iOS phone is
already 399$ (iPhone SE), but that isn’t without reasons. Unlike
their Android counterpars who usually build the handsets then
install Google’s Android system in them, Apple is responsible for
making the iPhone from start to finish, crafting both the hardware
and the software. The price rises as a direct consequence, but on
the other hand (9), iOS phones are well-known for their capability
and reliability.

In the end (10), the deciding factor is user preferences. While

these operating systems both fulfil their basic utility purpose,
there are still many differences that exist besides the similarities.
It is these differences that ultimately decide which phone the user
is more comfortable with. In fact, the contrast between these two
competitors is what offers great variety in the market.

~657 words~
6
K PEER'S CHECK PEER'S CHECK PEER'S CHECK PEER'S CHECK

group 4's comments

in details
(1) the phones -> the two phones lines
(2) Like with -> Like
(3) not sure what this sentence means
(4) more specific, which features Apple are not available?
Why can’t users have access and complete control over
Apple’s devices?
(5) When it comes to -> Regarding
(6) unclear idea, why does a longer battery life would drain
the battery faster ?
(7) vet -> get
(8) As far as price is concerned -> When it comes to
affordability
(9) but on the other hand -> despite that
(10) In the end -> Conclusively

In general
Good points:
included links from various resources
+ clear and coherent post structure.
Bad points:
+ A little bit too long and have too many paragraphs.
+ Too many overused words
+ Unnecessary use of complex sentences
+ Exceeds the word limit

7
K PEER'S CHECK PEER'S CHECK PEER'S CHECK PEER'S CHECK

final vesion
With the smartphone industry as big as it is now, it’s not strange
to see the two rival companies of Apple with the iOS competing
with Google’s Android system. With their similar yet starkly
different designs both striving for the top spot in the market, in
this essay, we hope to shed light on the topic by comparing the
two phone lines and their designs.

Like most phones, both iOS and Android serve their function as
phones first and foremost with the inclusion of a calling feature,
texting, internet surfing along with storage for data. While the
specific design philosophy behind the features is what sets these
2 phones apart, it is evident that both of them fulfill their basic
utility purpose.

Optimization is an important factor for many people when

choosing an operating system. It is a well-known fact that iOS is
a closed system, as opposed to Android, which is more open,
providing its user with complete access and control over the
Idevice. Android superiority in this aspect comes at a cost, as it
hinders security and makes it easier for people to tamper with
your phone.

When it comes to UI design, it should be no surprise that

Android and iOS are fierce rivals. While both of these designs
are streamlined to be user-friendly, certain design choices are
meant to set these phones apart as well. iOS opted for a
convenient and easily accessible interface with almost every
function on display at the home screen and only a few hidden
menus. In comparison, Android’s display interface is cleaner,
many of its functions being hidden in menus, which makes the
overall design feel less cluttered whilst maintaining the required
apps for the phone to perform.

Battery life is also a crucial factor when comparing the two lines:
8
K PEER'S CHECK PEER'S CHECK PEER'S CHECK PEER'S CHECK
iOS batteries are smaller, which results in shorter usage hours.
To make up for this, Apple has optimized all programs for better
energy consumption. On that note, Android phones have multiple
battery-draining features, along with bloatwares constantly
running in the background. However, thanks to the diversity of
hardware, Android can provide its users with a larger model,
which allows longer time of operation.

In reference to app installation, both Google Play and App Store

are considered safe as they vet the apps beforehand. On the
former, the range of apps is noticeably wider due to Android
being the more popular platform. However, this makes Android
more vulnerable to cybercriminals, especially in the process of
downloading apps from third-party stores. For that reason, iOS's
security in general is believed to be superior, for its operating
system, which is a closed one, doesn't release the source code to
app developers.

As Apple takes all responsibility for the iPhone, crafting both

the hardware and software, the price is naturally higher, with
iPhone SE, the cheapest model already at 399$. Meanwhile, you
can get an Android for an average price of 261$, making Android
the undisputed victor in terms of affordability.

In conclusion, the deciding factor is user preferences. While

these operating systems both fulfil their basic utility purpose,
there are still many differences that exist besides the
similarities. It is these differences that ultimately decide which
phone the user is more comfortable with. In fact, the contrast
between these two competitors is what offers great variety in
the market.

~565 words~

9
CES

references
REFERENCES

Jailbreaking and optimization:

https://www.diffen.com/difference/Android_vs_iOS

Design:
https://appinventiv.com/blog/ios-vs-android-app-design-
difference/
REFERNCES

Battery
https://smallbusiness.chron.com/android-vs-ios-battery-life-
63204.html
https://www.quora.com/Why-does-the-iPhone-consume-less-
battery-than-Android-devices

Security and app store affordability: *written by me*

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.citrusbits.com/difference-
app-store-vs-google-play-store-2/
REFERENCES

https://us.norton.com/internetsecurity-mobile-android-vs-ios-
which-is-more-secure.html

Price:
https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2017/08/01/why-are-
iphones-so-expensive/?sh=2eefdefb5d45
https://www.lifewire.com/iphone-vs-android-best-smartphone-
2000309
REFERENCES

- the end of entry 1 -

10
SECOND

ENTRY
Type of essay: Problem -Solution
Time: week 8-9
Topic: Overpopulation of urban areas
has led to numerous problems. Identify
two serious ones and suggest ways that
governments and individuals can tackle
these problems. (250-280 words)
Working pattern: individual
My peer: Pham Kien Dung
 first draft (in class)
Cities that are overcrowded usually have to face an array of issues,
but from my perspective, the most alarming are pollution and uneven
developments between different parts of the city itself. To deal
with that situation, I believe both an increase in people’s awareness
and measures from the government are needed.

Firstly, considering the problems, pollution is no longer an unfamiliar

one. We have heard too much about it that some of us might be used
to it. However, I wonder if there is any noticeable change, because
the air in cities like Beijing is still harmful to breathe, and rivers
around the world are still contaminated, waiting to be cleaned up.
Conservationists have tried to waken us so far, but action from
government and big companies is unseen. Besides that, uneven
growth is equally worrisome. While the rich are enjoying luxurious
dinners in Michelin restaurants, somewhere in the same city, the
poor are trying to survive and make ends meet. Not only can this
situation cause higher crime rates, but it also leads to discrimitation
and inequalities in environments like office and school.

Obviously, something must be done about it. Individuals and

businesses that show their neglectful attitudes towards the
environment ought to be fined more heavily. To get rid of pollution in
the long run, students, the world’s future decision-makers, should be
taught thoroughly about the problem. The better their morals and
knowledge, the brighter the future will be. In answer to the uneven
urbanization, publishing more income-tax on the upper class may
help. Also, the authority could adopt some certain policies to provide
people in need with stable jobs so that their lives would be a little
easier.

In summary, urban problems, namely pollution and uneven

development, might be solved with the combination of educational
and political methods.

~301 words~
12
second draft (with research)
Cities that are overcrowded usually have to face an array of issues,
whose most alarming (1), from my perspective, are environmental
threats and the widening gap between the haves and the have-nots.
To deal with these situations, I believe that strict and specifically-
aimed measures from the government are needed.

In regard to urban problems, environmental degradation is no longer

an unfamiliar term. In fact, it is such a common topic on social media
that some ridiculous (2) people get used to and find it negligible.
However, sadly as it might be (3), humans’ current action towards it
is insufficient. Flooding, tropical cyclones, contaminated air and heat
waves are still resulting in both devastating financial loss (4) and
deaths. Besides that, uneven growth is equally worrisome. While the
rich are enjoying luxurious dinners in Michelin restaurants,
somewhere in the same city, the poor are trying hopelessly to
survive. Not only can this situation destabilize society and cause
higher crime rates, more poverty, but it also leads to discrimitation
and inequalities in environments like office and school (5).

Obviously, something must be done about it. In this fight against

ecological issues, policy-makers play a decisive role. Taking (6) the
story of Beijing, a once-smoggy city for example, China’s capital used
to be infamous for being topped (7) global rankings of the world's
worst air quality. Fortunately, public outrage forced the authorities
to act. Anti-pollution campaign was carried out, and it worked,
leading to Beijing’s victory (8). Each nation should somehow study
from this lesson, and accept to leave behind the “economy growth at
all cost” policies. Moving onto unequal urbanization, publishing
policies that directly reduce income inequality may help. Also,
investment in education can increase economic mobility, contributing
to increased productivity.

In summary, urban problems, namely environmental risks and uneven

distribution of wealth, are likely to be solved by political strategies
that are more appropriate than the status quo’s.
~309 words~ 13
 peer's check
in details
(1) Not grammatically in correct. However, the phrase itself
is a bit awkward to read and breaks the flow of the essay.
(2) Expresses the point well but can be removed due to the
harsh tones.
(3) I think the phrase is 'sad as it may be'
(4) Shouldn't it be 'losses'? Because there are many
incidents.
(5) offices and schools
(6) Shouldn't it be 'take'?
(7) at the top might be a better phrase; if you want to keep
'topped' then you can replace 'being' with 'having'
(8) I think the phrase's 'victory' is a bit off here. Another
alternative would be 'success'?

In general
Organization: 2/2 (Systematic, well-structured)
Content: 1.75/2 (Has details and examples to support and
backup. A bit too long for the required word limit)
Format: 2/2 (Excellent, easy to follow)
Language: 2/2 (No major repetition of words and uses a
lot of different synonym)
Grammar: 2/2 (No major grammatical error)

14
 final version
Cities that are overcrowded usually have to face an array of issues, whose
most alarming, from my perspective, are environmental threats and the
widening gap between the haves and the have-nots. To deal with these
situations, I believe that strict and specifically-aimed measures from the
government are needed.

In regard to urban problems, environmental degradation is no longer an

unfamiliar term. In fact, it is such a common topic on social media that
some people get used to and find it negligible. However, sad as it might
be, humans’ current action towards it is insufficient. Flooding, tropical
cyclones, contaminated air and heat waves are still resulting in both
devastating financial loss and deaths. Besides that, uneven growth is
equally worrisome. While the rich are enjoying luxurious dinners in
Michelin restaurants, somewhere in the same city, the poor are trying
hopelessly to survive. Not only can this situation destabilize society and
cause higher crime rates, more poverty, but it also leads to discrimination
and inequalities in environments like offices and schools.

Obviously, something must be done about it. In the fight against

ecological issues, policy-makers play a decisive role. Take the story of
Beijing for example, China’s capital used to be at the top of global
rankings of the world's worst air quality. Fortunately, public outrage
forced the authorities to act. Anti-pollution campaign was carried out, and
it worked, leading to Beijing’s victory. Each nation should somehow study
from this lesson, and accept to leave behind the “economy growth at all
cost” policies. Moving onto unequal urbanization, publishing policies related
to taxes may help directly reduce income inequality. A wealth tax should
be created, aiming at the super-rich as incomes are a very small fraction
of their wealth, which is accumulated through shares and other assets.
Also, investment in education, for instance, making job training and higher
education more accessible, can increase economic mobility.

In summary, urban problems, namely environmental risks and uneven

distribution of wealth, would to some extent be solved by political
strategies that are more appropriate than the status quo’s.

~342 words~
15
 resources
5 big challenges facing big cities in the future
https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2018/10/the-5-biggest-
challenges-cities-will-face-in-the-future/
Urbanization: Causes and Impacts
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/environment/article/urban-
threats
From ‘airpocalypse’ to blue skies: Beijing’s fight for cleaner
air is a very rare victory for public dissent
https://edition.cnn.com/2021/08/23/china/china-air-pollution-
mic-intl-hnk/index.html
Six policies to reduce economic inequality
https://belonging.berkeley.edu/six-policies-reduce-economic-
inequality
Uneven wealth distribution in the United States
https://storymaps.arcgis.com/stories/ad7fca0337024e7fa8e9d
88cdf4ff158
How to fix Economy Inequality?
https://www.piie.com/microsites/how-fix-economic-inequality

~ the end of entry 2 ~

16
THIRD

ENTRY
Type of essay: Cause - Effect
Time: week 12-13
Topic: What causes teenagers to spend so
much time on Instagram (or Tiktok) and
what effect does Instagram (or Tiktok) have
on teenagers’ mental health? (250 words)
Working pattern: individual
My peer: Nong Van Linh
 In today’s world, social networks have been spreading
ceaselessly and become familiar to all of us (1). However, the
truth is a great number of youngsters cannot control their time
when using those platforms (2). In this essay, some negative
impacts that this situation has on intellectual well-being (3) will
be pointed out.

Firstly, social media can trigger inadequacy about life in general

or appearance particularly (4), which makes teenagers feel
insecure. On the internet community (5), a lot of things are
manipulated as people usually want to show the bright sides of
their lives only. But innumerable adolescents, though aware of
this, still struggle with feelings of envy and dissatisfaction
while scrolling through a friend’s airbrushed photos. Probably,
the reason lies in the human instinct to be keen on showing off
and keeping up with the Joneses. (6)

Secondly, excessive usage of Snapchat and Instagram increases

rather than lessens the levels of loneliness and emotional
disorders (7) like depression and anxiety. To some extent, those
communication tools do connect people, regardless of nationality
or geographical distances. But after all (8), online interactions
are nowhere near as effective in reducing stress and boosting
mood as in-person contact. Also, long periods of using smart
devices are likely to be followed by demotivation and boredom.

In summary, popular as Tiktok, Facebook, and similar platforms

might be, it is undeniable that they lead to some alarming
problems. Among these, jealousy, discontent, and higher risks of
negative feelings are the most worrisome the way I see it. (9)

~245 words~
18
 in details
(1) I recommend "have been gaining popularity among people of all
ages."
(2) Could be "lose track of time scrolling through their newsfeed."
(3) has on people's intellectual well-being
(4) Nothing wrong with it but can improve the coherence of the
sentence by changing it to "in particular"
(5) the internet community -> the internet
(6) You should redo this one, a lot of it is unnecessary and off-topic
(7) Should change it with "mental disorders"
(8) Should be replaced with "however"
(9) I see what you going with this but the finishing line doesn't
seems like an ending, i suggest redoing it

In general
The essay does a good job of mentioning the effects portion of
the topic but it lacks an important part that is what causes the
problems. I also found that the essay can be incoherent
because it doesn’t follow the structure of a cause and effect
essay making it confusing to read.
Organization: 1/2 (Although for each paragraph your
organization is clear but as a whole, it lacks the sections that
are supported by causes and a paragraph mentioning only the
causes themselves)
Content: 1/2 (The essay lacks what causes teenagers to spend
so much time on social media)
Format: 2/2 (Good choice of font and size making it easy to
read)
Language: 1.5/2 (the choice of words can be better making it
easier to read and understand)
Grammar: 2/2 (no grammatical errors)

19
 Popular as social networks might be, they can lead to serious
consequences as more and more juveniles are struggling to
control the amount of time spent on those. In this essay, some
culprits leading to this situation and a few of its negative
impacts on unaged people’s intellectual wellbeing are going to be
discussed.

In the first place, Instagram and Tiktok’s attraction lies in

their features designed wisely, aiming exactly at youngsters’
demands. Each platform has distinctive strengths, Tiktok
fulfills the want to know what is trending, what is new, what
others are doing right away with short and absorbing videos;
Instagram allows users to share their stories and deletes them
after 24 hours automatically, together with them are hashtags,
the display of “1 minute ago”, “just now” instead of real times.
No matter what it is, social media is definitely a perfect place
where teenagers’ desires to express themselves and keep
connected are met.

In the second place, the virtual community, due to its

addictiveness, can result in various problems. They trigger
inadequacy about life, making teens feel insecure, and envious
while scrolling through a friend’s airbrushed photos. The
excessive usage of them increases rather than lessens the
levels of loneliness and mental disorders like depression and
anxiety. Although they do serve as communication tools, online
interactions are nowhere near as effective in reducing stress
and boosting mood as in-person contact.

In summary, because of creators’ clever methods, social media

are capable of keeping adolescents using them ceaselessly. And
this is believed to cause innumerable adverse effects to the
young, namely dissatisfaction and isolation.

~293 words~
20
 Vì sao mạng xã hội có khả năng gây nghiện?
https://www.vinmec.com/vi/tin-tuc/thong-tin-suc-khoe/vi-sao-
mang-xa-hoi-co-kha-nang-gay-nghien/
Social media and Mental health
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/social-
media-and-mental-health.htm
Social media and mental health: Depression and
psychological effects
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/social-media-and-
mental-health
Báo cáo từ Facebook IQ: Giải mã sức hút của Instagram
Feed và Instagram Story MarketingAI
https://marketingai.vn/bao-cao-giai-ma-suc-hut-cua-instagram-
feed-va-instagram-story/
Social media makes us envious, leads to dissatisfaction with
life, says book
https://www.business-standard.com/article/pti-stories/social-
media-makes-us-envious-leads-to-dissatisfaction-with-life-
says-book-119011300124_1.html

21
 Actually, I consider this portfolio a friend of mine
SELF-REFLECTION rather than an assignment.

It has been around with me from the first few

days in CNN. We, unfamiliar people, tried to be
friends through group works. And the first entry
was one of them...

It was troublesome, but still proud to look back. I

remember how worried I was at the orientation
week, afraid of coming difficulties. However, all
students of grade 10, no matter how good or bad
your results are, we did it! The program turns out
to be not as terrible as I thought, in fact it was
helpful and fun to do. I really owe CNN a thank
for giving me such a chance to realize studying can
be that interesting and practical, and solidarity
can be that great !

Generally speaking, my first drafts are usually full

of mistakes (some of them are even major and
unacceptable :"). I guess I was too hurried when
writing the final entry's inclass draft, and I
eventually lacked one of the two questions in the
topic. What's more blamable is I did not know it
until my peer give me his check. *sigh* There's no
point crying over spplit milk, but I do feel
disappointed about myself. However, it won't last
long now that I have new missions waiting. "Life
can only be understood backwards, but it must be
lived forwards!"

Ready for the second term's projects. ^^