Cara Biar Pasangan Introvert dan Ekstrovert Bisa Awet

It was clear, from the beginning, that we were an odd match-up, complete opposites in almost every
way. I’m an introvert, and on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, an INFP personality type (the
“Mediator” or “Healer”). He’s an extrovert, an ESTP, (the “Entrepreneur” or “Persuader”).

Whereas he is pragmatic, a problem-solver, the life of the party, winning everyone over wherever he
goes, I am sensitive, deeply empathic, self-aware, and avoid parties like the plague. I excel at diving
deep; he prefers to be light-hearted.

He cracks irreverent jokes and I cringe at the insensitivity. He walks into a business, throws them
his winning smile and sells his services without breaking a sweat. I rehearse a script in my head
over and over, take deep breaths, and meditate before making cold calls.

One source describes our two personality types as “challenging opposites,” followed by this
enlightening statement: “People of the following types [INFP included] present the most potential
for personality clash and conflict with the ESTP, but also the best opportunities for growth.”

Truer words have yet to be spoken.

And this may be true of so many personality match-ups, the ones that don’t necessarily make sense
on paper but are still choosing to build a life together — as partners or in friendship. I’ve got a
little rebellious streak in me that loves a worthy challenge and takes pleasure in proving wrong any
statistic that would predict the failure of said challenge.

So, the question isn’t so much, How on earth did we end up together? as it is, How do we make this
last without killing each other?

9 Tips for Introvert-Extrovert Couples

I have some thoughts on this, based on my experience, but I think so much of the work of nurturing
these kinds of challenging-opposite relationships happens in the place where we overlap. Here are
four ways introvert-extrovert couples can learn to meet in the middle:
1. Instead of handing over all the power to your differences, search for
harmony in the intersection, the space where your personalities meet.

It’s easy to give the most attention and power to differences in a relationship, because they stand out
more visibly than your similarities. The real challenge is looking for the gap, that intersection of
personalities where together you shine.

I’m definitely the more serious of the two of us, but I have a playful side that only comes out around
certain types of people. My husband is one of those people. There’s a boyish mischief about him that
melts my heart and begs me to play, to laugh, to remember not to take life so seriously.

When life has worn us down, we often return to our first language: dance. We turn on the music and
hit the floor, not in a ballroom but in our kitchen, and dance it out. Even if it’s only one song, this
coming together is our overlap.

Another area we overlap is in our creativity. We both love to create, and how this is expressed is
vastly different, yet complementary. He’s an engineer type, I’m a writer. We’re both good at creating
designs, but from different perspectives and styles. When we’re in this sweet intersection together,
we make a thoughtful team.

Wherever you notice you and your opposite come together best as a team, nurture that.

2. When the going gets tough, write out the ways the other’s personality
has helped fill you out as a person.

In the early years, the learning curve for conflict was steep between our ESTP and INFP
personalities. My husband is assertive, loud, and passionate, and he has a tendency to spit things
out without thinking. In other words, he’s not known for being Mr. Sensitive. I hate conflict, loud
voices, and feeling misunderstood, so this can easily lead to butting heads and hurt feelings.

However, over time (and loads of honest conversation), we’ve both noticed something beautiful. I’ve
developed a thicker skin and the ability to speak my mind, while he’s become more empathetic and
thoughtful.
Having a husband who is not easily offended has given me a safe space to practice conflict as well
as being direct, without that fear of hurting his feelings that has plagued me in so many other
relationships. He’s willing to hear critical feedback, something that has been a refreshing change
from the defensiveness I’m used to.

His confidence, paired with his tireless positivity, have also worn off on me and helped me step
beyond my comfort zone into the world of entrepreneurship. The different ways he sees the world,
without judgment, have given me space to breathe, shed old versions of myself, and continue
evolving. He doesn’t hold me back; in fact, he propels me forward.

When I really think about it, I’m filled with gratitude for the ways knowing him has filled me out as
a person, perhaps in ways someone with a more similar personality type could not have pulled off.

3. Celebrate the quirks that aren’t worth fighting over; laugh, let go,
move on.

Need I really say much on this? I mean, we all know the personality quirks of our partner or dear
friend that drive us nuts (and of course we have them, too). Still, we’re human, and these quirks can
become something bigger than they need to be if we focus on them.

My husband tends to have two speeds: turbo and passed out. He works crazy long hours and always
has a dozen things on his plate, let alone his mind. It’s hard for him to remember relational details,
even ones on repeat.

So, if I have to tell him the same things over and over again — like “Please turn on the bathroom
fan while you shower” or “Would you mind not dropping your clothes throughout the house?” —
it’s really a small thing, isn’t it?

We’ve learned to chuckle about a lot of these, especially each time I pop into the bathroom and flip
the switch on the fan while he’s showering, before quietly slipping out (usually flickering the lights
and affecting my best Stranger Things voice).

It’s just our spiel now, and it’s so much nicer to laugh about it than beat my head against a wall,
wondering why he can’t ever seem to remember. I don’t want to waste my precious energy on things
that don’t really matter, and this just doesn’t (classic INFP, yeah? I thought so).
4. Be committed to finding your own language as a pair, to work through
the differences that may be divisive, and deepen your understanding of
the other.

Not only have my husband and I had to merge two vastly different personality “cultures,” but we’ve
also come from two vastly different family cultures, different countries, different religious
influences, even different native languages.

We’ve worked REALLY, REALLY hard at finding a communication style where we both feel heard
and valued. It’s a work in progress, but one of the most valuable works we have invested in.

When two personality types come together that are considered challenging opposites, chances are
high that two opposite communication styles come along for the ride. If you see this as a headache,
I guarantee it will be one. If you choose to see it, instead, as an opportunity to expand as a person
and throw yourself into the work, it will not disappoint.

My husband and I have each adapted our styles through our years together, though we continue to
be quite different. He has learned to think first about how to say what he needs to say with more
awareness of my feelings. I have learned to say what I need to say from a less emotional place, with
a more straightforward and logical delivery.

We have both learned that we may not get it right the first time around in a heated discussion
(especially at night when we’re tired), but we are really good at circling back once things have
cooled down and trying again until we’ve each been heard.

The key ingredients for us in communication have been honesty, respect, persistence, humility, and
forgiveness. Keeping these in mind, I refuse to believe any personality opposites can’t find the door
to communication if they truly want to.

Beyond communication, the same could be said of nurturing these kinds of opposite relationships in
general. If we keep stirring in the key ingredients, with love, we may be surprised by the beautiful
connections we create together in the world from the unlikeliest of pairings.
5. Get clear on what you need to recharge.

There’s a reason the words “know thyself” are inscribed on the temple of Apollo. Figuring out what
you need is essential, because you can’t expect your other half to know it if you don’t.

After reading Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans, I spent a few months tracking
my activities and documenting what energized me and what drained me. These findings formed the
basis of my self-care program. I know now that I need A LOT of alone time to reflect and process my
day-to-day experiences. I found I was most relaxed and recharged after having alone time to read
or being in nature.

This concept of recharging alone is foreign to my other half. He gets his energy from being around
other people, large groups, busy restaurants, etc. Our heaven is each other’s nightmare. So step one
is knowing yourself well enough to know what puts you into the red energy-wise and what recharges
you. Which leads to my next point…

6. Create boundaries around your needs and communicate them clearly.

Once you get clear on your needs, it’s important to sit down and discuss them together. Even if your
partner isn’t on the personal growth bandwagon and doesn’t fully understand how you’ve come to
these conclusions, he or she will appreciate the heads up and opportunity to know what makes you
tick.

Creating boundaries around what you need as an introvert, like time to be in smaller groups or
alone, is essential to your wellbeing. If your partner isn’t open to the idea that your needs are just
as valid as theirs, then it may be time to re-evaluate whether the relationship is a positive thing.

For me, this looked like sharing my discoveries about my personality type, and my many lists of
activities that recharged me. It also meant asking him what he thought he needed to make sure he
was getting his needs met, and being open to ensuring a balance of both types of activities in our
time together.

7. Differentiate between essential and non-essential activities.

Being able to assess whether an activity is essential is an important aspect of energy management
regardless of your personality type. My partner’s job involves a lot of social events and schmoozing
with clients.

Initially I attended every dinner and all the functions, but with time, I realized this was not
sustainable. It was exhausting, and I struggled to make small talk with complete strangers about
topics that didn’t interest me. The sensory overload of the large crowds also usually meant at least a
day of recovery.

So we devised a system where he would consider whether an event was essential or non-essential
for me to attend, and in this way, he protected me from unnecessary socializing. It was extremely
effective, and we ended up using the same system for recreational activities like football games,
movies, and get-togethers with friends.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not being there… but then I go lie in the sun in the silence of my empty
house and I know I’ll be a much better partner when he comes home — not the grumpy, exhausted
mess I would have been if I had gone.

8. Find a tribe outside of your other half.

I spent a long time expecting my partner to fulfill all the major roles in my life, particularly my need
for deep and meaningful conversation. Luckily, thanks to the work of Esther Perel and her
incredible TED talk, “The secret to desire in a long-term relationship,” I wised up to the fact that
this was not healthy.

As an introvert, I recognize that I struggle to make new friends, and I’ve been guilty of diving too
deep too fast when I find someone who I feel understands me — only to have them disappear.

That being said, making sure I have a small but supportive network of friends who I can sit in
silence with, who will meditate with me, and who will have meaningful conversations about my
frequent existential crises has been invaluable in not asking too much of my other half.

I still ask him to let me know when he feels up to a deep and meaningful chat when I have
something specific on my mind, but most of the time, I leave that to my introvert friends who will
reflect with me without trying to offer solutions.
While making new friends is not necessarily our strong suit as introverts, there are so many
opportunities now to create community with meet-up groups and online forums specifically targeted
at personality and enneagram types. That means we can get our needs met without going too far
outside our comfort zone.

9. Appreciate (and praise) your extroverted partner’s strengths.

We all want to be seen and valued for the unique skills and perspectives we bring to the world.
There is so much that my partner is skilled in that I am not. He can walk into a room and make
everyone feel seen, and he can talk to anyone about anything at the drop of a hat.

Being able to appreciate these things in ways that resonate with our partner is so important in
encouraging a long-lasting relationship. The work on love languages by Gary Chapman has been
particularly useful for me, because knowing how to target my communication in a way my partner
can receive it is essential.

For example, there is no point in me using words to communicate my appreciation if what he needs
is quality time.

Ultimately, while there are horror stories about introvert-extrovert relationships going shockingly
wrong, in the right circumstances, our differences can be a strength rather than a weakness. Being
intentional about how you communicate with each other, and making sure there is balance in
meeting both of your needs, means being with someone who complements your strengths — and that
can be an incredible opportunity for happiness and growth.