Every person, in one way or another, has experienced the dreadful experience of becoming

acquainted with the consequences of their actions. So why do some people keep doing the
very thing that came back to (perhaps literally) slap them in the face? When it comes to
cheating, the answers aren’t always clear—but recent research can help us come closer to
understanding.

Why do people cheat in relationships?

A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy in December 2020 investigated
the reasons why people cheat, Scientific American reported. Researchers found eight
motivations for cheating: “anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for
variety, neglect, sexual desire, and circumstance.” Of course, few actions have just one
cause, and cheating is likely brought on by some combination of these incentives.

As psychotherapist and sexuality expert Esther Perel explained in The Atlantic in 2017,
cheating is rarely if ever clear cut—and people can cheat even if they are in a perfectly
functional relationship. The varied motivations uncovered by this study show that cheating
can be brought on by personal issues (self-esteem, need for variety) just as likely as it can be
brought on by more direct personal conflict (anger, lack of love).

Emotions can also get complex. The excuse that “it’s just sex” doesn’t appear to be true,
according to the research. About two-thirds of participants expressed some kind of affection
for the person they cheated with—but not necessarily to an extreme extent. One in ten
participants admits to telling the person, “I love you.” In fact, for about half of participants,
sex isn’t even a part of the equation: about 50% of participants reported vaginal intercourse,
but nearly 87% reported kissing.

There is some evidence that suggests Millennials are less likely to cheat in relationships than
previous generations—though the evidence isn’t conclusive enough to say that 100%, The
Atlantic reported in 2019. This may be because younger generations are waiting longer to
get married and are, in general, becoming more selective in marriages: They might just be
more likely to end up with the right person (though, ultimately, that’s not necessarily a
preventative to cheating).
Why do people serial cheat?

There is some truth to the belief that once someone is a cheater, they’re always a cheater. A
2017 study found that participants who reported cheating in their relationship were three
times as likely to cheat in their next relationship, compared to those who didn’t. This can
also be incredibly destabilizing for the partner that was cheated on: those who were
suspicious of their partner cheating were four times more likely to report suspicion of
cheating in their next relationship.

Why do happy people cheat?

As terrible as it is to hear the cliché, “it’s not you, it’s me,” there is some truth to that
statement when it comes to cheating. According to Perel, sometimes happy people cheat
simply because they’re experiencing a longing for something new. This could be because an
affair offers them a sense of novelty and excitement, even if their relationship—or marriage
—is perfectly stable. “Being with a different person offers a chance to redefine themselves
and explore different components of their personality that they may not feel able to explore
in the confines of their relationship. “It’s not that the individuals having the affairs want to
leave their partners, but the people they have become,” Perel told Goop in 2017.

Of course, cheating is never an answer to problems like this, and there are other ways to
achieve this kind of personal development. “I often say to my patients that if they could
bring into their marriage one-tenth of the boldness and the playfulness that they bring to
their affair, their home life would feel quite different,” Perel wrote in The Atlantic.

Does cheating always mean the end of a relationship?

What cheating does to a relationship varies? The 2020 study found that only about 20% of
relationships ended because of the affair—but only about a third of participants who
cheated admitted their infidelity to their partners. About 20% of couples stayed together
despite one partner finding out the other cheated. It’s far less likely for cheating to lead to a
new relationship, too: only 11% percent of participants who reported cheating had broken
up with their partner to be with the person they had cheated with. It seems like an affair is
an escape—but not to a new, healthy relationship. Perel herself—while certainly not an
advocate for cheating—understands that cheating doesn’t have to end a relationship. But to
heal from it, she stresses the importance of both parties getting an understanding of the
other (which might sound crazy, but bear with her for a moment): If the party that was
cheated on the can, for a moment, try to learn what cheating did for the person who
committed the act and how it made them feel, then both parties may turn “the experience
of infidelity into an enlarging emotional journey,” The New Yorker wrote in 2017.

That doesn’t mean that forgiveness has to be instant, or that it even has to happen at all—it
depends on the person, the relationship, and how you might consider changing going
forward. If you do decide to stay together, that might mean trying to reignite the flame in
some way or considering consensual non-monogamy (which Perel admits is not a
preventative of cheating or other relationship problems). The bottom line? There’s no
guaranteed way to prevent cheating, and whether an affair will signal the end of your
relationship depends on a wide range of factors, all of which are personal to the individual.
And, yes, it hurts all around. Separating Truth From Lies: Psychological Facts About Cheating

Let's get to the bottom of infidelity once and for all.

By Dominique Norman

Sex & Relationships 02.04.21

Let’s be really real: We all have a story about cheating. Many of us have been cheated on,
have been the cheater, or have someone close to us who has been impacted by infidelity.
That has led some people to have very strong feelings about stepping out on a relationship,
a sort of “one strike and you’re out” policy, if you will, whereas others are more liberal with
their partner having a side piece.

In 2016, one out of five adults in the United States under the age of 30 said they were open
to polyamory. That number has since risen to nearly a third of adults in the same age group.
If being open to having other partners (emotionally and/or physically) is not really up your
alley, that’s OK, too.

Millennial dating trends have opened up the binary of monogamy, allowing people to define
the boundaries of their relationship(s) for themselves, with or without labels. This has also
opened up a conversation of what constitutes cheating — is it purely physical or can it be
emotional, and where exactly can the line be drawn? And when your partner is unfaithful
by your agreed upon terms, what does that say about them? Is it then fair to generalize all
cheaters based on one (or a few) bad experiences? There are many theories and
stereotypes about infidelity, as well as long-held beliefs about men and commitment.
Truthfully, it’s a lot to digest. Luckily, we’re here to unpack all of that, and get down to the
psychological facts about cheating.

Fact: It may not be about you.

If there are difficulties in your relationship, sometimes cheating occurs as a result of one
person fearing conflict or confrontation. They may see infidelity as an outlet to blow off
some steam rather than directly addressing the relationship issues. For example, the
mindset of “my needs aren’t being met here, so I might as well look elsewhere” is more than
likely an issue of communication or a lack thereof. Not communicating with your partner
about your needs and your relationship, equates to you not taking the onus to improve it.
This can also pertain to someone who is feeling a lack of control in their relationship.

Clinical psychologist and cohost of The Kurre and Klapow Show, Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., states
that cheating can be about seeking comfort. “People cheat out of hopelessness…. They have
given up, but they don’t want to put an end to the relationship, often for logistic reasons
(money, kids, lifestyle).”

There has also been research that revealed that sometimes cheating is used as a way out of
the relationship, possibly with the intention of being caught, or even just having a backup
plan for when the infidelity is exposed. Essentially, this is someone who is acting out in
defiance. Simultaneously, they can be using it as a tool of avoidance. They are sidestepping
the problems in their relationship and avoiding trying to seek a resolution with their partner.

While none of these reasons excuse the behaviour — especially if you have set clear
boundaries with your partner — it does provide some insight as to why your significant
other may have stepped out. Simply put, it’s not you, it’s them.

Fiction: Men are hardwired not to commit.

There is a long-held belief that men are physically incapable of commitment, that it is
inherent in their biological makeup to not be monogamous. This is often used to rationalize
cheating, by both the cheaters and the enablers alike. Not only is there the myth that men
only want “a bad bitch, noncommittal” as Lizzo so eloquently put it in her song “Truth
Hurts,” but there is also the idea that if they do commit, it’s only for sex.

The age-old idiom, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” feeds in to this
stereotype. However, according to the Journal of Social Psychology, men actually fall in love
faster than women. Not only that, but they also express they are in love sooner than women
do. Due to social and cultural standards of hyper-masculinity, it is widely maintained that
men are less emotional than women. So combine hyper-masculinity with the myth of men
being incapable of fidelity, and you have the baseline understanding of an episode of
Cheaters.

Fact: Cheating is gender neutral.

The standard argument that men are more likely to cheat has actually been debunked. A
2011 study from Indiana University found that men and women cheat at roughly the same
rate. However, age can play a factor when it comes to fidelity, as a 2017 study from the
Institute of Family Studies found that infidelity widens between the genders with age, for
example men above the age of 80 are four times more likely to cheat.

But the reasons why men or women step out are all personal, not biological. The most
common reasons for being unfaithful have to do with issues in the primary relationship, and
an inability or unwillingness to address it directly with their partner. Research has also
shown that women and men crave sex at the same rate. So this notion that men are horny
dogs, hardwired to cheat to fulfil their insatiable libido is not exactly accurate.

Gender, in and of itself, does not contribute to reasons why someone cheats.

Fiction: Hookup culture has ruined monogamy.

Frustrated couple in bed

There has been significant criticism of millennial dating culture, from op-eds on how hook
up culture has ruined dating to research studies on modern feminism and casual sex. This
notion that hookup culture has doomed monogamy, however, has also been debunked. One
study from the American Psychological Association actually found that, on average, men and
women responded more positively than negatively to the idea of casual liaisons. So it’s not
so much that hook up culture is negatively impacting dating, it’s that it is more widely
accepted than in previous generations. In the 1960s with increasing access to birth control
and the rise of the feminist movement, sexual liberation became a big part of the zeitgeist.
In the 21st century television shows and films have increasingly developed story lines of
modern sexuality (though not always completely accurate), including casual relations.

This was a clear departure from a time when sitcoms such as I Love Lucy wouldn’t so much
as show a couple sharing the same bed. That is to say, we’re not the prudes that we once
were, or at least we are more accepting of sexuality outside of the “wait until you’re
married” narrative.

SOP: WHAT DOES IT SAY

God's Claims First—though the companion of your choice were in all other respects
worthy (which he is not), yet he has not accepted the truth for this time; he is an
unbeliever, and you are forbidden of heaven to unite yourself with him. You cannot,
without peril to your soul, disregard this divine injunction.... To connect with an
unbeliever is to place yourself on Satan's ground. You grieve the Spirit of God and forfeit
His protection. Can you afford to have such terrible odds against you in fighting the battle
for everlasting life? You may say:

“But I have given my promise, and shall I now retract it?” I answer: If you have made a
promise contrary to the Scriptures, by all means retract it without delay, and in humility
before God repent of the infatuation that led you to make so rash a pledge. Far better
take back such a promise, in the fear of God, than keep it and thereby dishonour your
Maker.—Testimonies for the Church 5:364, 365. The Lord has in His Word plainly
instructed His people not to unite themselves with those who have not His love and fear
before them. Such companions will seldom be satisfied with the love and respect which
are justly theirs.

They will constantly seek to gain from the God-fearing wife or husband some favour which
shall involve a disregard of the divine requirements. To a godly man, and to the church with
which he is connected, a worldly wife or a worldly friend is as a spy in the camp, who will
watch every opportunity to betray the servant of Christ, and expose him to the enemy's
attacks. Satan is constantly seeking to strengthen his power over the people of God by
inducing them to enter into alliance with the hosts of darkness.—The Signs of the Times,
October 6, 1881.