Deranged Love

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at

http://archiveofourown.org/works/34088131.

Rating:
Explicit

Archive Warning:
Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Category:
F/M

Fandom:
東京卍リベンジャーズ | Tokyo Revengers (Manga), 東京
卍リベンジャーズ | Tokyo Revengers (Anime)

Relationship:
Hanma Shuji/Reader

Character:
Hanma Shuji, Reader, Haitani Ran, Haitani Rindou,
Hanemiya Kazutora, Sanzu Haruchiyo, Koko | Kokonoi
Hajime, Mikey | Sano Manjirou, Hitto Kakuchou, Inupi |
Inui Seishu

Additional Tags:
Reader-Insert, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence,
Violence, Gun Violence, Guns, Shooting Guns, Bruises,
Choking, Manhandling, Murder, Killing, Graphic
Description, Gaslighting, Trauma, Panic Attacks, Crying,
multi-chapter, Enemies to Lovers, Enemies, Dubious Ethics,
Slow Burn, Mildly Dubious Consent, mention of rape,
Sexual Tension, Sexual Content, Corruption, Morally Grey
Character, Knifeplay, Mentions of Suicide,
Implied/Referenced Suicide, Phone Sex, Masturbation, Gun
Kink, Explicit Language, Blood Kink, Blood Play, Morally
Ambiguous Character, Graphic Description of Corpses,
Adrenaline, Vaginal Fingering, Orgasm Control, Fear Play,
Dry Humping, Hand Jobs, Love/Hate, Minor Character
 Death, Drug Use, Recreational Drug Use, Gunshot Wounds,
Priest Kink, Blow Jobs, Oral Sex, Rough Oral Sex, Graphic
Depiction of Injuries, Come Swallowing, Gambling,
Suicidal Thoughts, Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced
Dubious Consent

Stats:
Published: 2021-09-25 Updated: 2022-06-11 Chapters: 24/?
Words: 241582
 Deranged Love
by PhysicalTurian
Summary

Wrong place, wrong guy. Wrong in so many fucking

ways it only made the attraction more sick and twisted…
Yet I wanted more of him and would end up doing
anything for him, with him.
[She/Her pronouns used for the reader, no physical
description; Everyone +18]
[Some spoilers from the manga, sort of…]
Spotify Playlist :
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7imDtnxDjCqHAZqu5o
7CWR?si=3c59314035804b8e

Notes

The timeline is free, it’s not 12 years in the future but it’s
not when they’re young. I’d give a rough estimate of 8
years in the future? Maybe less? I have yet to decide.
But there is bad gang kind of situation. Ran has his
braids, Rindou changed his hair to the funky beautiful
haircut. Hanma had the hot haircut of the 12YL
WARNINGS : are in the tags, if there is anything more to
add to chapters I’ll warn.
 Chapter 1
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Routine.
This would be how I would describe my way of life, a routine.
I liked it like that, it was safe, comfortable and I was sure of
what would happen. Far from me the idea of only doing the
same things over and over again, I would sometimes go out
with my friends or see a movie—doing things on a whim was
not off the table. But I liked knowing what I was signing up
for. Surprises, however, never were a thing I enjoyed—seeing
my friends in my house when all I wanted was to relax after
work was something dreadful and annoying to no end. I would
pull through and be a good host, nonetheless, making sure
everything was enjoyable, but I would be drained by the end
of their stay.
Perhaps that need for reassurance, for a safety net, was the
reason why I never truly took an artistic path or even
considered any artistic career. It was too free, too
unpredictable, too risky. Never could I have imagined myself
doing such a thing; those who did were in my eyes the boldest
and I admired them greatly for following their dream, but I
was not bold, I preferred the solace of a job I knew would
always bring me money. A simple 9 to 5 job was fulfilling
enough for me; for some it was not, but I enjoyed it. It was
something I could do and found relaxing to do, even when
there was more rush. It just made sense to me.
There was not much thrill in this job. The people were nice
enough; the clients were a bit bitter from time to time,
depending on whether the job we had done was in their favor
or not. Some of my colleagues would tell me crazy stories
about some firms they had worked on or with and I would
have a hard time believing it, but perhaps it was because
different departments would deal with different types of
clients. I had simple people: homeowners, tax payers, easy
stuff. I liked it.
Now, even if I was keen on this routine that I had of going to
my job, using the same transports, the same paths, headphones
in to ignore the people around, I knew when following that
same path would bring me trouble. I knew when to break that
routine even just a little bit.
Tonight was one of those rare occasions. As I walked back
home from work after having had to stay one more hour to
help my colleague Darren fix his mistake—I made sure to tell
him he owed me for helping him this late—I saw a group of
men surrounding someone on the street. With one glance
around, the entire street was empty except for those seven men
and their victim. The usually crowded place was completely
deserted and as I wondered how it could have happened, I
noticed bikes at the end of the road blocking any possible
traffic. It did not take a genius to know this was something far
above me, there was no way I would interfere with that.
Turning around, I made sure my steps were less heavy, less
determined and started walking back. I did not have time to
think I was going to get out of there safely when I heard,
“Miss! Call the police-“. A thud sound, followed by a pained
moan reached my ear.
When I dared look over my shoulder, I saw the man on his
knees, blood pouring from his nose. I recognized him, he was
a creepy older man that would sometimes stay longer on the
train to look at younger women. Glancing at the other people
around him, I kept my face as neutral as possible. Should I call
the police? The outfits they wore all had the same sigil on
them, the same pattern, and since they did not look like high
schoolers I hardly believed those were school uniforms. Which
led to the conclusion that they were the ones the news talked
about a lot. The city was filled with gangs fighting over
territory, not hesitating one bit to kill anyone who would cross
them. I was sure of myself, assertive, yes… but I did not
possess a savior complex. Seeing that man on the floor made
me realize how wrong the system was, but I could not risk
taking part in the situation and helping him. There were too
many and clearly a lot scarier and stronger than I was.
Looking away, I kept walking and heard them laugh, “That’s
the right thing to do missy, he deserved it-“ “I said I was going
to pay as soon as I got the money!” The victim interrupted; he
was speaking very fast, but the fist smashing his jaw was
faster to tell him to shut up. “It ain’t about that, you know it!”
Playing my music again, louder this time, I walked away and
let them deal with everything, taking a different route than the
one I would usually take. It’s alright to not have helped, you
wouldn’t have made a difference… But he deserved it… I can
still call the police… A turmoil inside my head started as I
kept walking. After a few minutes, I grabbed my phone and
dialed the police department’s number; they picked up quite
fast, asking me what the emergency was. “There are gang
members beating up a man in-“ “I’m sorry ma’am we can’t
help with that, have a nice evening.” And just like that, the
person on the other end of the phone hung up. Looking at my
phone incredulously, I called again, all while taking a turn and
walking by a warehouse, “Hello, you must have
misunderstood me earlier—it is not a joke, there are gang
members in the-“ This time, I was not interrupted by the
person on the phone but by my arms being grabbed suddenly.
My heartbeat picked up, I suddenly felt sick and my head
started spinning. When things like this happened, we’d always
think it only happened to others, so when I realized it was
happening to me, I did not feel well. Blood drained from my
face, from my entire body. It all happened so fast: one moment
I was walking past the warehouse, then suddenly my phone hit
the ground and I joined it when I was thrown on it with force.
My cheekbone took all the damage as someone pressed the
side of my face onto the wet ground and made sure to put
weight on my back to stop me from moving. I was shivering in
fear already, but that fear only grew when my hair was pushed
out of the way by a bloody hand, its knuckles painted red and
brown from fresh and drying blood. The action did not feel
one bit intimate, it was scary, intimidating. With the pressure
on my back, I was pressed against the hard floor and could
barely breathe, but in a situation like this I knew better than to
talk.
I knew that. Yes.
So why did I talk? Why were my nerves acting up in moments
like these?
“I am sure you got the wrong person—I’m just an
accountant-“ A gun was now pressed against my cheek, I took
it as a sign to shut up and did so. The man on my back twisted
the gun a few times against my cheek, making me open my
mouth from the weird movements against my teeth, like
someone forcing a dog to open its jaws to get food out of it.
“Aren’t we nosy? Tonight wasn’t the right night to feel heroic,
girl.” The man asked as he tucked a strand of hair behind my
ear. I closed my eyes in discomfort, my breath hitching.
Laughing sadistically, he continued talking, this time his tone
lowered, “Rats shouldn’t snoop in businesses that aren’t
theirs.” I felt the weight shift on my back, then heard him ask
someone, “Keep beating him up, I’ll take care of her then
we’ll continue having our fun,” His voice was stern but I still
heard some tones of him being carefree, he was enjoying this.
He then addressed someone else, “Sounds good to you?” The
answer consisted of muffled cries, attempts at screams that
were cut off by hits then a gun cocking. With a sigh, the man
on me pulled the gun away from my face and tutted the man
who was bound on his knees.
I felt the weight leave my back but did not dare move, I stayed
right where I was. Steps on the humid ground were heard,
getting away from me but clearly approaching the man who I
assumed was being tortured. The gun fired soon after, startling
me as I tensed up and closed my eyes a few seconds before
opening them again. The crazy man that put me on the ground
laughed loudly, “Come on, it’s just the thigh, you can still
walk for now, yeah?” He had said. Turning my head to look at
them, I saw the older man on his knees, hands tied behind his
back and suit bloody. His tie was undone, and he had wounds
all over his face and chest. “I said you can walk, yeah?”
Recognizing the voice, I could put a face to my aggressor as I
watched him remove his glove before grabbing the victim by
his arm and making him stand up, only to force him to wobble
a bit. “See! I am being nice! Talk and it’s all over, come on.”
He cooed in something that could be seen as sweet if it wasn’t
happening in a warehouse with violent people and a man
bleeding on the ground.
“I told you! I don’t know anything I-“ The man with the long
earring in his left ear did not think twice before punching the
office worker in the face with enough force. I believed I heard
his nose crack. I caught a glimpse of the tattoos adorning his
hands but could not decipher, from how far I was, what was
written on them. The crazy man laughed after the punch,
“Wrong answer! Haha, you have one last chance, ok?” He
said, leaning over so that his face was at the same level as the
other man’s. From my place on the ground, I could only see
the wicked smile on his face, and it made me feel uneasy. The
tall violent man was clearly crazy, having such a man roaming
the city did not seem safe at all and it scared me to think of
what else was happening in the shadows. “Alright, alright,
please Reaper-“ The man he called Reaper gripped his chin
tight and chuckled, “Straight to point, I don’t have time to
waste on vermin like you, you’re no fun.” He said as a matter
of fact, as if they both believed this. His face had turned
serious so quickly that I feared the moment I felt like I could
escape, he would change his mind in half a second.
The bleeding man nodded quickly, tears streaming down his
cheeks, “It’s Silas&Sons—That’s the name of the firm that
discovered something was off-” While I was left in shock at
the mention of the firm I worked at, the Reaper grinned and
brought the gun to the man’s forehead, “Wasn’t hard, was it?”
the man tried to tell him not to shoot, adding that the violent
one had promised he would stop. The latter shook his head, “I
said it’ll all be over! Listen carefully next time,” He said the
last part like a parent berating their child then winked and
pressed the trigger, killing the man in less than a second as his
body hit the ground, blood spattering behind him. The man
with black and blond hair looked at the body on the ground
and chuckled to himself, “There won’t be a next time, but you
get the jest.” He huffed with a wave of his hand before
handing back the gun he had been given earlier. Turning
around, his eyes locked on mine. I widened my eyes in pure
terror and turned my face to be in the position he had left me
in; I was aware he had seen me, but I was hoping he would not
mention it.
The other people that were in the room had gone silent and
were probably all looking at me, the woman lying on the floor,
shaking, dreading for her life. The odds of me coming out of
this unscathed seemed to be decreasing the more I observed
what was happening around me. A stinging pain reached my
scalp making me hiss, as someone lifted my head from the
ground to make me look at them. While turning my head their
way, I saw two men sitting on a crate, one with two braids that
were long enough to go down to his ribcage while the other
had shorter purple hair and glasses. Boredom adorned both
their features alongside blood stains on their outfits, and yet
they were nonchalant about it. I saw a man leaning behind
another crate but barely managed to catch a glimpse of his
tattoo that the man called Reaper snapped his fingers in front
of me. “Here, I’m your tormentor, not them, yeah?” He
grinned. Meeting his gaze again, I forced myself to keep my
mouth shut and kept my eyes on him.
“You’re being courageous, not even crying yet! You’re a fun
one, gotta love it.” He said happily, his hand patting the cheek
that had taken most of the damage when he slammed me on
the ground. I flinched when I saw his hand approach my face
then winced at the rough touch against the bruising skin.
“What will I do with you little rat? Eavesdropping ain’t nice,
tattling ain’t it either.” The latter was said in a more serious
tone as his expression turned somber, any humor that dripped
from his words a moment ago was completely gone and he
was now looking at me with caution. “Get up, come on.” I did
not have a choice, the grip in my hair did not slacken and I had
to follow his movement to avoid most of the pain. My clothes
were dirty and damp from the humid ground; I felt my legs
shake as I got to my feet and hissed at the pain when he
yanked my hair for me to follow him quicker.
Pushing me forward, he threw me against the crate where the
two other men were sitting. Hitting my shoulder against the
wooden item, I swore under my breath and was about to fall to
my knees again when the man with the long braids wrapped
his legs around my neck and somewhat choked me. Caught off
guard, I gripped his shins tight and tried to break free, but his
hold only tightened. I heard him mock me while he dug his
heels deeper in my biceps from the position he was in, “Stop
moving and it’ll stop hurting, fuck you’re stupid.” He sighed
with disdain, bringing me closer towards him but it only
pressed my neck against the wood. Gritting my teeth, I
stopped trying to get him to let go and let my arms fall to my
side, when I felt the choke weaken and took a large intake of
breath while focusing my eyes anywhere but on the man in
front of me.
The manic laughter I had now heard many times in those few
minutes I was on the floor reached my ears again, “I can see
you wanna live, what are you willing to do to stay alive?” He
asked in a light tone. It was a real question, but I did not want
to do anything. I wanted to punch them and make a run for it,
but they had guns and strength, none of which I could match in
any way. I kept my mouth shut again.
The Reaper chuckled again, “I don’t know if you keeping your
pretty mouth shut is a curse or a blessing-“ he stopped himself
and slapped my now undamaged cheek with as much force as
he could, making me yelp at the pain. I kept my face turned
the direction his hand had turned it, but he gripped my chin
forcefully and made me look at him. His expression had turned
almost sour as he stared right into my eyes, “Fucking answer
the question, what are you willing to do?” he spat, his face
only breaths away from mine. Keeping a frown on, I uttered,
“I wasn’t calling on you, there were people blocking another
road-“ His mouth contorted into a smile once again as he
pushed my face against the crate before letting go as he threw
his hands in the air, and turned around on himself once, “She
speaks! God it’s so entertaining to see you’re—Still. Not.
Crying.” He gritted through his teeth the last three words
before leaning over once again, his face very close to mine just
like before.
“You’re telling me it’s a coincidence then?” He asked in a
playful tone, clearly mocking me.
Fuck I wanted to make a run for it and get away from here. My
heart was trying to beat out of my chest the longer I spent time
here, the only thought running through my mind was: I am
going to die here. How else would I end up? He had killed a
man that had told him what he wanted to know, so no matter
what I said he would kill me, right? Stammering a bit, I
nodded the best I could with legs still around my neck, “Yes, I
hadn’t seen you were here, I-“
“You’re funny! I’ll give you that! God you’re-“ He pulled
back and made a rapid movement of his arms approaching me,
as if putting me on display, “You’re fun! Ran, let her go.” The
first part was said in excitement, the latter in the utmost
seriousness. The moment he had spoken those words, the man
let go of my neck and I was about to stumble when the Reaper
grabbed me by the shoulders. He was tall, strangely tall, way
above average, and it only added to all the traits that already
made him scary. My whole body tensed, I thought this was it.
He glared at me for a few moments before speaking to one of
his friends, his gaze never leaving mine, “What do we know?”
An unknown voice reached my ear, it was close, so it must
have been the other man on the crate, “Seems like a civilian,
said she was an accountant. She also seemed surprised when
the vermin said Silas&Sons.” That perked the Reaper’s
interest.
“Oh, so the little girl knows things. Have they sent you?” He
asked, forcing me to look up by gripping my chin once more.
He did not care the amount of strength he used, he couldn’t
care less if I was uncomfortable, to him I was just a puppet
that he could throw around and play with. Clearly he was right
since I moved along and did not fight back. If I did, I would
die, I was sure of it. “I was walking home from work—I saw
my usual path was blocked and people were ganging up
against a man so I-“ “You ran? The rat isn’t one for conflict,
eh?” He patted my head and smiled almost reassuringly before
letting go of me, making sure I fell on the floor. “Then? Make
this quick, this ain’t the time for a bedtime story.”
“I called the police so that they could check—they said it was
none of their business so I tried again and you-“ Fuck I was
stuttering, the stress was too much and once I had fallen on my
back, he was a lot more intimidating. He could just pull out his
gun and shoot me, I could not get up with how I was shaking.
“You tried to do the right thing, right?” He asked, his back
now turned to me. I could not gauge his emotion, so I replied
sincerely, “Yes, it was all that I could do-“
Suddenly he turned around and pointed a gun at me, grinning,
“Wrong! You could have helped the poor, poor man on the
street, yeah? But you didn’t, why?” I did not reply right away,
so he waved the gun around before crouching right in front of
me and taking a good look at me. “They were too many-“
“That never stops a hero, does it? It’s all about charisma,
determination, letting your body act faster than your brain,
no?” He asked rhetorically, but while I waited for him to
continue he sighed and looked down, his gun dropping lower
as his arm fell limp. He started mumbling to himself a
moment, using the gun to scratch his hair. Perhaps it was not
the most adequate time to do so, but I looked at his outfit and
saw he was wearing suit pants and a white business shirt.
Quite the outfit for a murderer, but he had made sure to pull
his sleeves up to not stain it. He was right in doing so since all
the blood from earlier was on his black gloves and his
forearms.
“Tell me, rat,” He slowly looked up and gave me a wicked
smile, “Are you a hero?” He brought the gun to my forehead
and all I did was close my eyes in fear. A sob escaped my lips
as I tried to back away, but I was only met with the wooden
crate, accidentally bumping my head against the shoes of one
of the men sitting on it. “Do you believe there is good in this
world? That it deserves to be saved? Hm? Would you die for
this pathetic excuse of a world?” He pressed the gun even
more against my skin. I heard the click as he disengaged the
safety and tried to close my eyes even more than how I had
already shut them, but found it impossible. My entire body
was shaking, there was no helping the sobs escaping my
mouth even by covering it.
I felt a gentle hand push my hand away and opened my eyes in
confusion, only to see that the man who was holding a gun
against me was grinning, “Answer the question.” He turned
the gun horizontally and rested his arm on his knee as he
placed his head on his free hand, completely relaxed. Getting
lost in thoughts, I stared emptily at him while he started
counting down, “Three…” Am I a hero? How would one
describe a Hero? None of the mythological heroes could
define me, none of those famous franchises either. “Two, think
faster.” What answer did he want? Should I give him what he
wants, or should I just be honest? “One-“
“I’m not a hero, I didn’t call right away because he deserved it,
I-“ Taking a deep breath, I tried to take a hold of myself and
calm down the best I could. “He harassed people, no one ever
did anything about it-“
“See! Wasn’t hard, was it? Good girl,” He patted my head
before moving the gun under my chin and raising it with the
end of the gun, his finger never leaving the trigger, “You’re
also a bad person then, you’re like us, right? Some people do
deserve to die!”
Shuddering, I took a shaky breath and inhaled, “I’m nothing
like you-“ “If he died it’s because ya didn’t act quick enough,
don’t you agree?” He inquired with a pleading look, the
mockery never leaving his tone. “I don’t, no.” My words were
followed by the gun leaving my person as the man stood up
quickly and barked out a laugh before asking his friends if
they had heard that, they only grumbled in reply. He tucked
the gun in the back of his pants and I quickly let my head
down in fear I had triggered him somehow, frightened it was
the straw that broke the camel’s back. “I like you, accountant
woman. I just wanna see one thing to know what I should do
with you—well two, but I’ll start slow.” Bringing his arm
behind his back, I tensed again but then felt the gun hit my
ankle as he threw it at me.
“Shoot me,” He ordered as he crouched in front of me, his
arms crossed over his knees while grinning broadly. “I killed a
guy, right? I am bad, killing me should make you a hero.” His
little speech was stupid, it only started a vicious cycle of death
with no end. Killing a killer that killed one person? It’d make
me a killer that killed one person, and so on. But he brought
his hand to mine and wrapped my fingers around the handle of
the gun before pressing it against his forehead. “Here, you
can’t miss from this close, show me you got guts! Come on,
do it.” That grin turned into something scary, manic, he was
getting off on the thrill. But my hands were shaking, I had
never held a gun before, never intended to, but tonight was
nothing if not exceptional. When I tried to put my arm down,
he grabbed my elbow and kept it up, “It’s you or me, come on,
make this fun for both of us-“ “I’m not shooting you in the
head! You’re insane-“
Hearing my words well, he barked a laugh then guided the gun
to his heart, one of the men behind me sighed and told him to
hurry up, but the Reaper only shushed him. “Here, then?
Sounds better?” Nothing was right in his head; I couldn’t
understand what he was doing. No matter how hard I tried, I
did not know the point he was making, but taking all this time
to think about it made me lose the position of power he had
given me. Forcing my hand to let go of the gun, he took it and,
at the speed of light, put it in my mouth, making a sob escape
it as he did so. “That’s a missed opportunity, too bad.” He
shrugged then as I saw him press the trigger. I closed my eyes,
my hands gripping my thighs so tight, it must have left some
marks under the fabric of my pants.
The click of the trigger echoed, and I felt myself jump on the
spot at how loud the bang was—so this is it? That thought
crossed my mind rapidly, but was shoved aside by the loud
ringing in my ears. I then heard footsteps echoing around the
warehouse. The gun was no longer in my mouth, there were no
bullets, it was a blank; I felt my stomach churn and opened my
eyes in panic before pushing my tormentor away. I was
surprised when he let me do so, but it was better for him.
Slamming my hands down, I was on the floor as I emptied my
stomach on the concrete. Chuckles reached my ears along with
the whispers of a few words, “Can’t even stomach a bit of gun
play.” “Should have killed her, blood stench leaves easier than
vomit.” The latter comment made one of them laugh.
When I was done, I thought for a second that death was quick,
most of the time. And when it wasn’t, you expected it, you
weren’t filled with stress. Hence why no one ever spoke of
post-mortem vomit. It made me laugh only for a second until I
was pushed back on my ass when the man with the earring
pressed his foot against my chest, making me wince. “Your
name, what is it?” he asked seriously.
Feeling some sort of confidence build up, I looked up at him
and leaned over, using the hem of his pants to wipe my mouth,
but did not answer. The seriousness on his face turned into the
look of someone who had been challenged; he snapped his
fingers, then I heard someone say my name, my birthdate and
my birthplace. Looking at the person who kept reading out
loud, I saw the man with a tiger tattoo on his neck approach
before tossing my wallet at me. I did not know when they had
found the time to pickpocket me, but they managed to. My
cheeks were burning up from the sickness, the stress and the
embarrassment this entire situation brought but I still tried to
keep my head high, for what it was worth. Bringing my hands
to my face, I only now felt the tears that had rolled down my
cheeks.
“Okay little tattletale, I think I’ll let you go for now-“ “Are
you not going to kill me? Isn’t this what you do?” I asked in a
weak voice, not even attempting to get up after all the times I
had been mishandled. Both the man with the earring and the
tattooed one were standing in front of me. The former reached
out for my hand to help me get up, I did not take it, so he
sighed loudly and bent over to grab my bicep and forcefully
get me up. “We only kill snitches and annoying fucks, are you
one of those?” I was about to tell him no when he leaned over
suddenly and pressed his index against my lips to shut me up.
Startled, I tried to step back but he held the back of my head
with his free hand and beamed, “No, you’re not. You’re gonna
be useful, you’re just the right amount of malleable,” The
finger that had left my mouth moved to tuck a strand of hair
behind my ear, I shivered in disgust, “I can see it in your eyes
that you’ll be a fun one to work with.”
I tried to pull away from him, but his hand gripped my hair
tight and kept me in place, stopping me from leaning back
when he approached closer, “Since you’re not a hero, we’ll
make you a villain then—I mean, it’s not going to be hard
considering your stance on killing.” He grimaced at that before
turning it into a full laugh and letting go of me.
“Rindou, take her back to her place-“ “I’m not doing that, I got
plans with Ran. Send the tiger boy, we’re done for tonight.”
The one with purple hair and glasses said as he hopped off the
crate, followed by the other man on it. It made the Reaper’s
face turn sour as he gripped the one who had just spoken and
tightened his hold on his shoulder, “I don’t do escorting, that’s
your job.” He gritted through his teeth.
Seeing the tension, I put my wallet back in my bag and cleared
my throat, “I’ll—I can walk home on my own, by now they
must be gone-“ All of them looked at me with a threatening
gaze, I felt like a deer caught in headlights. The man with the
braids started walking off, Ran was his name I believe, along
with the man with the tattoo on the neck, while the two others
stayed right there and glared at me. When I took a step back,
taking their silence for permission, the Reaper wrapped his
arm around my shoulders and held me close to him, “Right,
I’ll do it tonight. Just because she’s a fun one-“ “I can walk
home alone, it’s no problem,” I tried to push him away, my
hands were shaky and had a few scraps. Without the constant
manhandling, not that I missed it, I could feel the dampness of
my clothes and how cold it was getting.
Looking down at me without any expression on his face, the
Reaper turned us around and waved everyone goodbye, his
arm never leaving my shoulders. “We both know that’s not
true, if we let you walk home alone you might get beaten up
by—how did you put it? ‘Gang members’, yeah, that was what
you said on the phone.” He hummed, shoving his free hand in
his pocket as he guided us outside. I felt uneasy in his hold, I
felt like he was walking me towards my execution. I did not
want to lead him to my house, but what choice did I have? He
would find it sooner or later; at least that’s what he said, but I
did not know how much truth there was to it. In my eyes, it
was but a small group of violent men that had killed someone.
“In the end you did get beaten up by a gang member, but it
could’ve been worse.” He said lightheartedly as he stopped in
front of a car. When I paused my steps and still did not look at
him, simply waiting for his next move, I felt him grab my chin
and turn my head towards him. My breath hitched in fear as I
met his golden eyes. He seemed a bit bored now, but I couldn’t
care less how he felt, I wanted to bolt away from his touch.
“You should disinfect that, and you’ll definitely bruise, but
you probably have makeup or something to hide that.” He
shrugged.
When he leaned over again, I brought my hands in front of me
and closed my eyes to stop him from touching me, but I only
heard him huffing a laugh next to my ear as he opened the
door of the passenger seat. “Get in, I’ll drop you off.” Looking
up at him, I blinked a few times then glanced at the inside of
the car. I don’t know what I was expecting, something dirty,
bloody, disgusting perhaps. But instead, it was perfectly clean,
not a speck of dirt in sight. It looked like an expensive car, but
perhaps it was just very clean, I did not know. Still unsure, I
hesitantly got inside and was about to close the door but felt a
certain strength holding it back. The man was leaning on the
door and bent over to peek his head inside the car, thinking he
needed something. I pressed myself more against the seat to let
him grab what he wanted, but his hand reached for the belt and
fastened it for me.
“Wouldn’t want you to escape—ah, I mean, safety first.” He
said mockingly before winking and slamming the door shut.
My hands found their way to the belt and held it tight as I
watched him walk around the car. His steps were too big for
me to make a run for it, he would catch up on me in no time, I
was stuck with him. As he entered the vehicle and fastened his
own seatbelt, he pointed at the glove box and handed me his
gloves, “Put them back and hand me a wipe, tattletale.”
His craziness was a lot more toned down, for a second I
wondered how many faces this man had. The one I was seeing
right now was intimidating from how put together he seemed,
the other one was scary from how unexpected his actions
were. “Why aren’t you killing me?” I asked without looking at
him, focused on pushing the gun out of the way inside the
glove box and grabbing the little pack of wipes. Giving it to
him, his brow was quirked, “Because you’re a good girl,” He
grinned, wiping his hands as he continued, “No one would
ever suspect you’re working with the likes of a gang. You’re
gonna be useful and that’s all that matters, you should be
thankful I didn’t kill you. I hate people who eavesdrop.” He
said, as he shoved the wipe in the door compartment.
“I didn’t eavesdrop.” I muttered, looking outside the window
when he started the car. The laugh that erupted out of nowhere
scared me, making me tense again, I dared to look his way and
saw his manic smile again. “So, you’re an accountant, pretty
boring. You should be thrilled I chose you.” He said in a mix
of pride and humor before increasing the volume of the music
then drumming his fingers on the wheel. Thinking about his
words some more, I glanced his way and lowered the volume,
catching his attention as he looked me dead in the eyes. “What
if I don’t want to work with you?” I asked, measuring my tone
to not piss him off, it did not take a genius to understand this
man was unstable and that I needed to tread lightly around
him.
Even with as much care as I put in my voice, his reaction was
sudden when he turned the wheel and stopped the car on the
side of the road. Passing cars honked in annoyance but the
man did not care one bit while I had slammed my hand on the
dashboard to stop my head from hitting it. Insulting him under
my breath, I looked up and saw he had placed his arms on the
wheel, his left cheek resting on his forearm. “Then leave. Get
out right now, nothing’s stopping you.”
“What’s stopping me is that you’ll kill me, or you’ll run me
over, multiple times,” I could see the smile on his face was
spreading, but he did not move. The condescendence in his
lack of reaction, of action, annoyed me but at the same time
frightened me, was he going to slam my head against the
window? Against the dashboard? I did not know, but I
continued, stammering this time from how nervous I was
becoming, “My life is on the fucking line, that’s what’s
holding me back.” I spat. My eyes had never left his, even as
his smile turned into a grin and his slender fingers gripped the
wheel tighter.
When he did not look away, I did. At the same time, I turned
on the seat and fully looked ahead instead of facing him. A
silence set for a moment then I heard the car start and the man
sighed, content, “You’re smart to stay, you’re only alive
because I can use you. If you had left, I’d have shot you and
left you on the side of the road to die.” He said in a light tone.
The words he had spoken had the same effect of a bullet; my
guts took a hit without being truly hit. I did not have a choice
at all, I was stuck working for a man I did not know without
even knowing what I had to do.
His hand rose and I closed my eyes, flinching slightly, “Type
in your address, tattletale.” With the little confidence that
remained, I lifted my shaky hand and typed it in while telling
him that I had a name. Then added, “You should use it. Maybe
there is a name I can call you by?” I was not asking for his ID,
nor anything specific, if he had a codename in his stupid gang
or something like that I would go with it, but calling him
Reaper in my head sounded idiotic. “Sorry doll, I think nark or
snitch suits you a lot more.” He hummed a moment, throwing
me a glance from the corner of his eyes as his hands moved on
the wheel absent-mindedly. Huffing in annoyance, I placed my
elbow against the window and rested my chin against my fist,
thinking he was done. After all, why should I care what he
called me? I should simply call him an asshole if he was so
keen on calling me a snitch. Or perhaps I should live up to the
title and do exactly that, tell the police.
A hand wrapped around my wrist and pulled me out of my
daydream when my head bumped against the window.
Wincing in pain, I heard the man laugh loudly while being
focused on the road, “That’s deserved for not paying
attention.” He said through laughter. “Pay attention to what?
The road? I’m not the one driving-“ “To me, you should keep
your guard up, snitch. Who knows what I could do.” He said
with a deadpan expression. Without looking at me, he brought
his hand to tuck my hair out of the way, then glanced at me
and smirked. His touch was light, almost gentle. It allowed me
to get a proper look at his tattoo, but I could not focus on it at
all, I only tensed up before feeling him grip my throat and
bring me closer to him. I made a choking sound and complied
to avoid as much pain as possible, “You can call me Hanma, as
long as you don’t scream it from every fucking rooftop.”
I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. This night was not
going as planned at all and every time I found any respite, it
would be ruined, and the man would turn violent again. I could
not let my guard down, I knew it but when he would just stay
put, I could not help myself but think he was done. Clearly he
wasn’t. His hold lessened a bit, so I took the opportunity to
claw his hand away and pull myself back, my own around my
throat in protection. “They called you the Reaper.” I croaked,
wanting him to talk more so that I wouldn’t have to.
“They did, yeah.” He shrugged.
That was it. He did not add anything else. The matter was
closed. When I asked him why they did that, he pulled the car
on the side of the road again, startling me in the process. With
how on edge I was, I did not realize where we were and
thought he would be mad again, but instead he looked over my
shoulder and nodded, “That’s you, get out.” He told me as his
left arm rested on the wheel while the right one was on the
back of the seat, casually leaning on it while looking at me.
Looking behind me, I saw my house and felt some hope at
finally being able to get home and yet… I did not leave right
away and instead prodded, “The news talks about your gang,
how many people did you kill?” His eyes traveled from my
head to my hands then up to my head again, the arrogance
never leaving his face as he leaned back against the car door
and waved a hand dismissively, “Take a guess, I think it
should be fun.”
I was about to give him a number when he leaned forward
quickly, his face right in front of mine as he whispered, “Don’t
forget those in comas or those at the hospital, they might not
be dead, but they might as well be,” He chuckled happily then
approached even closer, his lips right next to my ear, “They’re
only alive because I said they could be, like you are. One
wrong move and,” leaning back quickly, he clapped his hands,
“Bang, dead.” He said dead meaning those in the hospital, but
I fully understood he was threatening me, I was not an idiot.
Taking this as my cue to go, I unbuckled my seatbelt and when
I was about to open the door, I heard the mechanism of the car
locking it. Turning around to look at Hanma, I wordlessly
asked if he needed anything else. His hand reached out
towards me, “Your phone.”
“I didn’t record this or anything, I was not on a call with the
police either, I-“ snatching it from my hand while I was
rambling, Hanma tried to unlock it but instead was met with a
locked screen. Hesitantly, I took it from his hand, mine being a
lot shakier than his seeing how steady his were and unlocked it
before giving it back to him. A minute passed and he handed
the phone back to me, “We’ll be in contact. Things are gonna
change for you, doll. Hope you’re ready for what’s coming.”
He was an unusual character, he was confusing, violent, and
surely insane. All of those things added up in my mind,
making me accidentally let it slip, “How can one be ready with
you? Crazy man…” I said it all under my breath and huffed
the last part as I pushed the door open. I let out a sigh when
the door opened easily, part of me even thanked the man for
not keeping me in any longer but I was still on my toes, certain
he would say something else as I left the car, but he did not.
Grabbing my bag, I shuffled away from the car that still hadn’t
moved and kept glancing over my shoulders until I reached the
door where I struggled to put the key in the keyhole. At each
failed attempt my frustration grew, the swears flooded out of
my mouth easily and soon it turned into a stupid crying of
frustration. “Fuck this, fucking shit-“ when the key finally fit, I
hurried inside and locked the door behind me again but this
time with the sliding lock, knowing full well I would struggle
again too much to lock my door with the key seeing how
tensed I still was.
The darkness of my home was what welcomed me. It was
awful, it was cold and above everything it felt oppressive—my
face was heating up, I was suffocating, my clothes were
burning my skin, but I was also shaking. Fanning my face, I
made my way to the bathroom with heavy steps, my breath
was quickening, was it breathing or heaving? I needed to calm
down, I needed to ground myself but I did not know how, this
never happened but I felt like I was dying. I could not breathe,
my lungs hurt at each intake of breath. “Fuck, fuck, shit, calm
down“ I panted while taking off my clothes, I needed to take
everything off, I wanted to burn them, it was filthy, disgusting
and smelled wretched.
As I took off my top, I caught a whiff of the stench of the
warehouse and let out a sob but did not let it stop me even if I
could not breathe. I removed the rest of my clothes and knelt
by the bath, leaning over to turn the shower on but did not wait
for it to be warm to step inside and let it pour all over my
dirtied body. The coldness made me take a deep breath that
seemed to have helped with the panic attack I was having, but
it did not help the crying, so I let it all out while I was washing
up. What have I gotten myself into? What happens next? What
am I supposed to do now? Is he going to ask me to kill
someone? Am I going to have to use a gun? I didn’t want to do
any of those, I only walked by something I had nothing to do
with and—letting out a scream of frustration, I sat down in the
bath and let the water rain on me. I ran my hands through my
wet hair and placed my elbows on my knees, grunting again,
“I don’t do gangs… I do numbers, I don’t have time to murder
people…” I mumbled.
Letting my own words sink in, I let out a chuckle at first and
focused my gaze on the wall in front of me then laughed again,
shortly. I don’t have time to murder people, yeah… “Because if
you had time you would?” I asked myself jokingly as I stood
up, laughing again. Shaking my head, I shut the shower off
and got out, almost slipping on the water that had splattered
around the bath. I hadn’t taken time to put a towel on the floor
or prepare anything, fortunately I managed to balance myself
and took one from the closet. Once I was dry, I wrapped my
robe around my form and stopped in front of the mirror, taking
a proper look at the damage I had taken.
The scratch on my cheekbone was bruised, there was another
bruise on my neck that I could probably hide with a turtleneck,
the season allowed it, and if not with a turtleneck then a scarf
would do the trick. Disrobing myself just to take a look at the
rest of it, I had some bruises on my arms where I was grabbed
to be moved roughly, without counting the pain on my ass but
no one would see that. Passing my tongue over my teeth, I was
glad as I still had all of them, but my jaw hurt, “Did I bite the
inside of my cheek? At what moment could-“ A flashback of
when the man slapped me with full force appeared in my
mind, fueling me with a bad feeling of uneasiness as I put back
my robe. “Bastard…” I huffed before opening the door of my
bathroom and stepping inside the dark room again. Talking to
myself, I continued, “Nothing’s stopping me from telling the
police, who does he think he is? I could very well call them,
yeah…” I paused in my steps and scoffed dryly, “Not that
they’d listen.”
The news was always talking about the gangs in the city,
telling us that the police were working on stopping them, but
no one knew the people that were supposed to defend and help
were a bunch of sellouts, bribed out idiots. The system we had
put our trust in had decided to fuck us over and to leave us to
ourselves, it was because of them that I was in this situation.
It’s not like it had been hard to stumble upon one of their gang
meetings. They might claim discretion, but if anyone could
find them, it was anything but. “Who am I kidding? I am
fucked,” I barked a laugh and turned on the light, “Guess I am
a gang member-“ I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the
man my thoughts were plagued with, sitting on my couch, his
legs crossed with one ankle over a knee. “Not exactly, you still
need to prove yourself. But I love the enthusiasm!” He said
while placing an arm on the back of the couch and looking at
me with a satisfied smile, not even fully facing me, only to
look right ahead once he was done talking.
Usually, one would say don’t turn your back on your enemy,
but he was the predator here, he had nothing to fear, I was the
one shaking in my metaphorical boots. Deciding to not be
useless, I was about to shuffle to the kitchen discretely when I
saw him beckon me closer by bending his index finger.
Thinking I could play it off as not having seen it, I took one
step towards the kitchen when I heard him click his tongue
over his teeth, “I said, come here.” Stopping dead in my
tracks, I did not speak, and silently opened my bag to pull out
my phone and start recording. His hand gripped the back of
the couch and I heard him chuckle mockingly, “Ran said you
were stupid, but we both know you’re not, now come.” Putting
the phone properly on the furniture, I followed his order and
walked up to him to stand right in front of him, my arms
crossed over my chest to close my bathrobe up to my neck.
“How the fuck did you get in?” I spat. He was not driving,
which meant he could not throw me out of a speeding car. He
was not surrounded by other maniacs either, and if he had a
gun and decided to shoot me, I would have proof of it. There
was a semblance of safety, even amidst the fact that the man
had broken in without caring. It led me to have some
confidence.
The man grinned and leaned over, his elbows resting on his
knees. His demeanor was one of a man in control, he knew he
could do anything to me because I would bend, he said it
himself, I was malleable. But not for lack of will, simply by
fear. And if he kept bending me this much, I would not last
long, I would break. As long as I feared him, he had the upper
hand… but I was not feeling fearless yet. With a low chuckle,
he simply said, “Broke in with pliers,” then showed me the
pair of pliers lying on the couch. I glanced at my door and saw
the chain of my lock was broken as he had said, but that loss
of attention directed to him annoyed him. Snapping his
fingers, he brought my attention back to him, “Here, you
should make a double of your key-“ “I’m not doing that. First,
you’ll pay me back for breaking my lock, then if you want to
meet up for whatever you got planned for me, you pick a spot
but not-“
My breath hitched when Hanma rapidly stood up, his form
towering mine as he looked down at me with his hair falling
randomly on his forehead. “We got a lotta confidence
suddenly, don’t we? Go ahead, finish your sentence, I’m
listening.” He cooed in a condescending tone, his face
approaching mine as he hovered slightly over me. Looking up
at him, I looked down to his chest feeling my confidence wane
slightly. When I tried to step back, not liking how close he was
to me, he placed his hand on my shoulder to stop me. “Come
on partner, let it all out, you seem to have a lot on your mind.
Keeping it all bottled up ain’t gonna end up well. We should
get along if we’re gonna work together, yeah?” He said in a
fake listening attitude, we both knew he didn’t care but I was
riled up and clenched my fists.
“I don’t want you in my house, you’re a piece of shit. I don’t
want to get along, I want you to fuck off—Get out.” I
managed to say everything without stuttering, but his grip
tightened on my shoulder, making me tense up even if it was
not painfully tight. Simply knowing that nothing was holding
him back, not his mind, nor his ethics, nothing. His mood was
the turning point of his actions, which means one change of
emotion could make him go feral and hit me, it scared me.
Hissing mockingly, he tilted my chin up to make me look at
him, a smirk adorning his face, “Make me leave then, do
something about it.” Grabbing both my shoulders, he pushed
me back slightly then spread his arms wide, a huge smile on
his face, “Go ahead, I won’t do anything—it’s free hits,” He
taunted. When I did not move, he pointed at his face and
licked his lips like an animal looking at its next meal.
“Do it, show me your guts, little rat! I hit you right? I put a
gun to your head, that must be so annoying, right?” Biting the
inside of my cheek, I could feel my frustration building up
inside me again. He had done all those things, and no regret
was written on his face, none. He had killed a man, broken
inside my house, manhandled me and hit me. He had mocked
me, humiliated me, mistreated me and while it all happened in
a short time span, I already felt strongly about him. Reminding
myself all that, I hadn’t realized the hit that flew from my
person until it landed on his jaw, my fist feeling like it had hit
a wall. His face turned to the side by the end of the action.
Using the heel of his hand to wipe the blood that dripped from
his mouth, he looked at me with hooded eyes and grinned, his
teeth colored red, “That’s hot, but ya shouldn’t have done
that.”
Chapter End Notes

Haha.. I’m a back, fast uh? This is going to be quite long,

I have a lot of things planned, but as usual ideas and
feedbacks are welcome my lovelies. Regarding the tags,
don’t be afraid to ask me to tag more stuff if you feel like
it’s necessary, I think it’s pretty full but I’d rather be
careful.
Let’s go Hanma nation, I’m prepping the meal.
Words : 9403
Added on 25th September 2021
 Chapter 2
Chapter Notes

Warning : mention of rape (but no rape, no attempt, no

implying)
The tags applied to the work apply all throughout the
work.
See the end of the chapter for more notes

The words he had spoken were ominous, of course, no matter

what the man did, I feared it. He reminded me of a hyena.
While his appearance was nowhere close to one of a hyena,
except perhaps for the stripes in his hair, he was always
laughing which was a trait many would associate with to
hyenas. I was also aware that some of his late-night activities
consisted of killing people which was another similarity to the
animal. But now was not the time to think of that, not when his
eyes glanced to my hips then back to my hands that were
gripping close the collar of my bathrobe. Hating that look of
his, I stepped back but he was quick to grab me by the waist
and pull me closer—except this time it was not a rough hold,
he was not as violent as he had been in the warehouse which
confused me.
“Well, well, are you not gonna fight back?” He scoffed
proudly, one hand lowering to my ass while the other found
itself on my cheek. The former did not have time to reach its
destination that I looked up at him and spat on his face before
kneeing him in the crotch as I sprang back away from him
while he contorted in pain. Even through the discomfort, I
heard him chuckle darkly, his gaze stuck on the ground while
he took a moment to breathe. “Don’t ever put your fucking
hands on me—you’re a sociopath, manipulative and—crazy!”
Those words said with confidence and frustration were true
and yet he managed to turn it around into something he could
use. “That’s how you thrive in this business,” He started, his
steps silent on the rug on the parquet. “But if I can add to your
funny little list,” he stepped closer slowly and with a certain
mischievousness to him.
Gesturing for me to approach, he put a hand behind his back
and leaned in enough to get to my height. When I did not
come closer right away, he rolled his eyes and sighed before
straightening his back and crossing his arms over his chest, “I
am not patient, so you better come now or-“ He did not need to
finish talking for me to walk up to him with only fear as my
drive. When I stopped in front of him, he smiled sweetly and
grabbed my chin gently, “Such a good girl, now let me tell you
a little secret, yeah?” I did not nod, but with my eyes stuck on
his, he knew he had my undivided attention. That turned his
smile into a smirk. His lips brushed the shell of my ear when
he leaned in and whispered, “Your little rebellious act is just a
challenge to me, and frankly it’s a turn on-“ With his head so
close, I had my mouth next to his ear and through gritted teeth
I said, “You disgust me.” I felt his breath caress my neck when
he huffed a laugh before pulling back and looking down at me,
visibly entertained.
“I am only agreeing to this because you are forcing me-“
“Forcing you? Doll, feel free to not do it, nothing is stopping
you.” He said mockingly as he slumped back on the couch,
this time his legs spread wide as he let his head lean back.
Huffing a laugh, I shook my head, “Should I add on the list
how short your memory is? My life is on the line, you made
that clear enough-“ “Ah yes, that.” The man was bored but he
looked at me with a winning grin, “What if I asked you to kill
someone, what would you do, then? Mh?”
“I will not-“
“It’s you or the person I ask you to kill, you or them, it’s quite
simple.” Even after the turn of events of tonight, I was
enjoying my life. Dying was not on my to-do list, even if it
meant someone else had to pay the price. I looked down at my
hands when the thought crossed my mind. Why would I want
someone else to die? There should be another way out, a way
to save both of us in this stupid dilemma of his. So I asked,
“Can we both-“ “No! That’s not fun, is it?” He laughed and
locked his eyes on mine, I could not find the strength to look
away and got lost in thoughts with my eyes on his.
What would I do? Is he asking me this for something to come?
I don’t know how to kill someone, but depending on the killing
methods, it could be doable—what am I thinking, I never
would have thought such a thing, why am I considering it
now? If more thought was put in the situation he had offered,
and I were to kill someone to save myself… I knew full well,
from how out of his mind this man was, that it would not be
the end of it. Killing one person was simply opening a
Pandora’s box, he would take it as the first step towards
making a villain out of me. I was not a hero, but I was not a
villain either… Killing for survival, to save one’s life, that is
allowed right? If it’s kill or be killed then… “Maybe…” I
whispered, but he did not hear.
“Fuck, do I love that distraught look on your face. I knew
there was hope for you!” Hanma leaned in, his elbows on his
knees while he clasped his hands together and rested his chin
on it. “The silence, the confusion—you are considering it!” He
grunted in euphoria, having too much fun upon seeing me like
this. There was no defending myself, I was indeed considering
it but that did not mean I would do it. “The day you kill, it’ll
be done willingly, I can promise you that!“ He interrupted
himself and covered his mouth in excitement all while looking
at me, his grin barely hidden behind his hand from how big it
was. Calming down, he shoved a hand in his pocket and pulled
out a pack of cigarettes; he was just as fast to light it up but I
did not want that smell in my house. Uncrossing my arms, I
took the cigarette from his hand and stormed to the balcony to
stand on it with it still in my hand, “Out. If you have a
modicum of manners, you smoke that shit out of my living
room.”
He blinked a few times, probably surprised by my action. I
was just as surprised to have managed to keep a straight face
the entire time. No stammering, nothing. When he stood up
and joined me on the balcony, I handed him his cigarette back
which he took delicately off my hand. His fingers brushed
over mine on purpose, they were long, slender and freezing. I
suppose the outside temperature would not help at all with
how cold he was, but I did not care, he would have to manage.
Looking up at him, he slowly brought it to his lips and took a
slow drag before breathing the smoke right in my face,
“Manners? Maybe I should teach you some, that’s not how
you treat a guest.” Was all he said before bringing the cigarette
back to his lips and roughly pushing me on the metallic
railing. He made sure to balance my weight on it to get my
feet off the ground and push me head first over the railing.
My heart jumped to my throat in an instant, I was bent over
the balcony with the only leverage holding me back from
falling being the man behind me and his arm around my chest.
When I tried to grip the railing, he tutted me and moved my
hands behind my back, “I told you the attitude turned me on,
why d’you keep giving it to me doll?” He held my hands by
pressing his chest against my back, freeing his hand to crush
the cigarette in the flower pot next to me. Blood was rushing
to my head, I was feeling more and more dizzy but the fear of
him doing something worse than dropping me off the balcony
kept me aware. I felt his hand lift the hem of my bathrobe, his
ice-cold fingertips grazing my skin every so lightly as they
made their way to my thigh, “Stop that, don’t-“ “Sorry, could
you repeat that? I didn’t quite hear it.” He cooed mockingly,
his hand moving back on the bathrobe and to where it was
tied.
My breath hitched, could I say no? Did I have a choice? He
was stronger, and if I told him no he would do it anyway-
“Come on doll, be assertive. Weren’t you all serious moments
ago?” He approached his face to mine, his lips brushing over
the shell of my ear again, “Repeat after me, don’t do it Hanma,
I hate you,” My breathing was shallow, I was starting to see
little dots and everything was blurring but with a weak intake
of breath I repeated, albeit exhausted, “Don’t do it Hanma
please-“ I gasped when the cold night hair hit my skin upon
the untying of my bathrobe, “Say you hate me.” He gritted
through his teeth while pressing himself against me even
more; the balance faltered making me tilt frontward a bit, but I
gripped his shirt tight and quickly said, “I hate you, stop this—
fucking bring me back on the ground!” With my hands
gripping his shirt, I could feel the rumble of his laugh before I
heard it.
The moment that followed his stupid laugh, he brought my
feet back on the ground and forced me to turn around, his eyes
traveling over my form before meeting my skittish gaze. I felt
my entire body heat up and hated myself for it. His hands
pried mine off my bathrobe to close it himself, and while he
wrapped the belt around my waist he leaned forward and let
his mouth brush over my cheek, “For now. You hate me for
now,” He tied it tight, making me gasp at the pressure and
brought me close to him, “But we’ll change that, it’ll be fun.”
He said as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
Slapping his hands off me, I furrowed my brows and hissed,
“Never. I don’t trust you.” With that, I walked around him and
made my way back inside; it was only later that I’d realize I
could have locked him up outside, but decided to leave the
sliding window open. His steps echoed behind me as he
followed me inside, “Oh, do enlighten me, whose trust do you
want, uh?” Giving him a dirty look, I ignored him and
slammed the door shut behind him, only wishing he would
leave soon. I had yet to find time to have dinner and relax.
“Perhaps you want-“ I looked at him as he grabbed my phone
from the furniture, “Their trust? The one of the police? Oh
doll, ye shouldn’t trust them, ye should trust me.” He said as
he stopped the recording and handed me my phone back, a
smirk adorning his features.
“If you ask me, that little recording is more incriminating for
you than for me. So here is what we’ll do, yeah?” Cradling my
face in his big hands he looked at me with a fake-reassuring
smile. A shiver ran down my spine at the proximity, he
smelled wretched and oozed insanity; all I wanted to do was
run away from him and disappear, but his hands felt somewhat
safe at this moment. “If you don’t feel safe, you tell me, and
I’ll protect you. I wouldn’t want my assets to get damaged.”
He grinned, his thumb brushing over the wound he had
caused, the one I had yet to take care of. His eyes were
assessing, calculating, observant, I felt scrutinized under his
gaze but could not escape. As if lost in thoughts, he stared at
me for a long while. I did not dare move and waited for him to
come back to his senses.
When he did, he let go of me and made his way to the kitchen,
“It’s not gonna work if you’re always scared of me—I mean
it’s hot but it just makes you skittish, that’s annoying.” His
back was turned to me while he looked through my cupboards,
clearly looking for something. Silently, I joined him and
opened a drawer without a sound to grab a knife; I thought I
had done something smart by doing that, but he turned around
at the speed of light and glanced at my hand, sighing at the
sight. “Take it, if that’ll make you feel better. Go ahead.” He
nodded my way and quickly shortened the distance between
us. Once he was by my side, he wrapped my hand around the
handle of the knife and brought it to his throat, pressing it
against it. “I don’t-“ My knuckles were turning white from
how much strength I had to put into holding him back from
pressing it further into the skin. “You don’t what? You don’t
want to kill me?” with one strong push, he nicked the skin of
his neck and I saw the blood tainting the blade.
“We both know it’s a lie, tell me why did you record us? Ah,
my bad, why did you record me, mh? If not to bring it to the
police?” I ignored his questioning when a thought crossed my
mind, I voiced it, “Have you only been nice because you knew
about it? Is that what’s going on? And now that it’s not
recording anymore, you can do whatever you want? Is that it?”
I had to emphasize the word nice, his behaviour had at best
been tamer than when he had been beating me up in the
warehouse, but he was still an asshole. With a laugh, Hanma
removed the knife from his throat and threw it on the ground,
startling me in the process as I held onto the counter tight.
“I’m trying to start over, here,” He tilted my chin up, his face
way too close to mine to my liking, “So be honest with me,
and we’ll start on a clean slate, yeah?”
Turning my head and escaping his grip, I huffed a laugh, “It
would not have been admissible in court.” If someone was
recorded against their will, the best it could do was sway the
jury, but never would it be admissible as evidence. And even if
I had brought it to the police, there was nothing on it. Just a
man asking weird questions and a woman admitting she would
perhaps, if the conditions led to that, kill someone. I was back
to square one, stuck, there was nothing I could do but follow
his orders. Glancing back at Hanma, he was looking at me
with wide eyes then burst out laughing, “Shit you’re smart
but-“ He had to take a deep breath to calm down as he pointed
at the counter, telling me to get on it. Doing so, I waited for
him to finally stop laughing and when he did, he positioned
himself between my legs and looked at me with a glimmer in
his eyes. “Don’t worry doll, we’ll record something fun
together soon enough.”
Glaring at him, I scoffed and tried to kick him away from me,
but he grabbed my legs and held them in place, hissing in
annoyance through his teeth, “Let’s get something straight
here, look at me nark.” I could not, his hands felt nice on my
legs and that was something terrifying to admit. I could not
look at him, listening to him was a drag too, so I looked to the
side. I first heard the rattle of the drawers, then I felt the cold
metal against my skin, a knife. It was placed flat on my cheek,
but my heartbeat still picked up nonetheless so I followed the
movement and slowly faced him, eyes wide. “There, if you
weren’t so stubborn I wouldn’t have to use harsh methods.
Now,” With force, he held my jaw to keep my gaze on him as
he spoke, “I am not a raping scumbag, understood? Next time
you look at me thinking I’ll fuck you against your will, I’ll
have to use other methods to get it in that thick skull of yours
that I don’t need to take shit from you—do you know why?”
One of his brows was quirked as he waited for a reply. The
word stubborn echoed in the back of my mind, I had to comply
with his requests and listen, keeping my mouth shut was not
what he wanted.
“No.” I replied dryly. “Because you’ll wanna fuck me soon
enough. I’m not patient with motherfuckers but I already know
you look good under all this, can’t wait to get a taste.” That
confidence was somewhat closer to arrogance, he believed
what he was saying and that made me sick. No one in their
right mind would fuck someone that insane, he had committed
atrocious crimes and while I did not have an exhaustive list of
them, I was convinced there were many. Clenching my jaw, I
held back as long as I could from saying anything but the look
he was giving me was too much, I spat on his face again. The
man clicked his tongue against his teeth and blinked slowly
before grabbing a towel from the side of the cupboard and
wiping his face clean, “That’s not the way to treat your
caretaker.” He scoffed humorously as he leaned to the side and
grabbed something behind me.
“Caretaker? You’re the one who did all of this! You dare speak
of care-“ A wince escaped my lips when I felt something touch
my cheekbone, a stinging pain was felt but it faded just as fast.
Glancing down at it, the man was disinfecting my wound.
“You’ll look like shit if you don’t treat that now.” He scoffed,
“I have big plans for you, tattletale. I need you to look good
out there, that means you take care of the wounds you get by
being nosy.” He put a bandage on my cheekbone then stepped
back, handing me an ointment. “Put that on your neck, fuck
you bruise so easily.” He rolled his eyes. It was clearly a
hindrance to him, yet he helped me out. I don’t know what the
fuck was going on in his mind, but I would not be fooled by
that little kindness which was the bare minimum for being the
reason why I was wounded.
“Easily? Let me laugh, do you not realize your strength?
You’re just an animal, using violence like this is so fucking
primal,” I started absent-mindedly as I rubbed the ointment on
my neck, “I don’t understand what you get from it, but I know
you’re insane and fucked up in there.” I pointed at my head
then shook my head and grabbed the hand towel he had left on
the counter to dry my hands. Finally looking at him, I saw the
manic smile on his lips, “I get thrills and entertainment, you
never know what people will confess under pressure-“ He
paused and ran a hand through his hair as he stepped back
between my legs. I tensed at his action but did not lean back, I
had to see if he would do anything or if I could trust him at
least on that level. His hands roughly gripped my thighs under
the bathrobe but did not expose my skin and he smirked, “Fear
and pleasure are the best ways to get the truth out of
someone.” Something sparked inside me, but I did not want to
acknowledge it, instead I pushed his hands away and hopped
off the counter.
Rolling my eyes, I tried to bring some sense into him,
“Communication-“ “Only leads to manipulation, words are
great to poison the minds but violence and pleasure are primal,
raw-“ He smiled sickly, “Impartial. It’s the only fairness,
violence and pleasure transcend languages. But
communication?” He scoffed and leaned over the counter; his
arms crossed over his chest. “Communication is only a tool to
twist the minds.” I had to give him a half-smile upon hearing
those words. Is that what was going on in his head? How
dreadful to think as such in this world, no wonder he was like
this. “What say you on the topic, rat?”
Moving my tongue against my teeth, I weighed my words
before looking him up and down and smiling mockingly,
giving as much assurance as I could, “I like communication, it
shares feelings just right. For example: you’re a piece of shit,
get out of my house is a great way to express how I am feeling
right now.” I approached him with one big step and pressed
my chest against his, whispering, “Communication works
wonders.”
“Don’t know ‘bout your feelings, but it sure gave me a hard-
on.”
Clenching my jaw, I held my breath a moment and glared at
him before stepping out of his way and extending my arm out,
“Out.” I ordered. The tension that had been rising between us
seemed to have stilled, I hadn’t felt the need to flee again but I
was not comfortable yet. Hanma looked me up and down, a
smirk adorning his features. He uncrossed his arms and pushed
himself from the counter to stand momentarily in front of me,
“I’ll be thinking of you tonight.” He winked, his fingers
grazing the side of my jaw before leaving my face and curling
into thin air. Now walking backwards, the man had lost his
smile and was looking at me with a serious expression, “Don’t
attempt anything too heroic, we both know it won’t end up
well, mh?” All I gave him was a curt nod that made him grin
proudly, “Good girl, I’ll keep you in check.” He winked then
turned around and walked away, as he did so I berated myself
for taking a better look at his form. Up until now I was too
drowned in fear to even consider observing his features.
While seemingly lanky, I was convinced those expensive
clothes hid muscles; after all, he had shown a great deal of
strength many times throughout tonight. It made me wonder
what the man did during the day—his shoes looked expensive,
and I was ready to bet he owned more than one pair of those,
which meant he had money. Shoes were bound to get dirty
after killing people and blood, while easy to wash off on some
surfaces, was probably hard to remove from leather after it had
dried out, hence the need for many. His pants made him look
taller because of the vertical stripes adorning them, it was
completely unnecessary considering how tall he already was
but somehow it fit him, that and the white shirt with the open
vest. Some would say he looked good, but I only saw it as a
bedazzled bullet. Perhaps it was beautiful to see and
fascinating too, but its main purpose was to kill, it was deadly
—that was one of the many words I would use first to describe
him before handsome. That and crazy, fucked up.
I could not be more grateful when he left my house, even if he
did not close the door. I waited for him to get in his car to flip
him off and slam my door shut, then locked with my key. It
felt a lot less safer knowing he knew where I lived and seeing
how my sliding lock was broken but I still managed to feel
better when he was out of sight.
It was only while I was preparing some food that it dawned on
me, the shit I had gotten myself into.
That realization had come in the shower too, but only now did
I truly grasp that there was no escaping it, I could not run
away, I could not turn him in, I just couldn’t. Grabbing my
phone from the counter I had left it on, I opened my gallery
and looked at the video again. It did not last long, but when it
was happening it felt like ages, it was dreadful and painfully
slow as if time had been slowed down, but the video was less
than 20 minutes long. Skipping most of it, I felt my heart
tighten when I could see parts of what had been happening on
the balcony. My eyes were riveted on the screen, and not once
had I felt the urge to shut the phone off, I was watching
everything, the way his hands glided on my skin up to my
hips, his body pressed against mine. “That’s fucked up, even
for me—what the actual fuck…” I told myself off as I pressed
the button at the bottom to delete the video. When it asked if I
really wanted to delete it, I hesitated. This must have been the
first sign of what was to come, but I would not realize it until
then… my fingers glided to the ‘cancel’ button.
The video was useless. Nothing good nor bad could come out
of it. So why not keep it?
Locking my screen, I shoved the thoughts away and moved to
the couch to turn the TV on to eat. I must have been a lot more
tired than I thought since when I was done eating, I laid down
on the couch and drifted off to sleep with only one hope: that
all of it was just a bad dream.
That thought was proven foolish when I woke up in the
morning to the news playing in the background, it started with
simple things then I heard the mention of the street I usually
walked to get home. I was quick to sit up and increase the
volume, “… where a man was found battered to death. Three
bullets were shot in his chest and according to the police, he
was left with a dislocated jaw-” My eyes shot open and I
suddenly felt sick, but not enough to throw up. Was it the
shame of not being able to do shit or shame of having had the
opportunity to do something and not doing it? “The victim’s
identity matches that of an infamous offender who has had
many reports to his name—sexual harassment, sexual
assault-“ I muted the TV and quickly got up, I needed to focus
on something else. It was done, I’m not responsible for that, he
deserved it, there is nothing I could have done. As I thought
those thoughts, his words flashed in my mind.
“You’re also a bad person then, you’re like us, right? Some
people do deserve to die!”
Grunting in frustration, I looked up and saw on the screen a
picture of the warehouse where I had been earlier in the night.
Pressing the mute button again, I listened. “…after complaints
from the neighborhood of hearing gunshots, the police
investigated but did not find anything conclusive. The
warehouse which had reportedly been the place of the incident
had nothing suspicious going on, the police said they would
look around the neighborhood some more to be sure but-“ I
turned it off. I did not want to hear more of it, my hand was
shaking in confusion. How had they managed to cover up
something so big? Where was the body of the dead man? I had
seen the pool of blood forming under his head, which was
splattered all over.
Knowing they could get away with such a thing made me
understand how powerful they were. What we would see in the
media was what they wanted us to see, if they wanted they
could be like whispers in the wind, but they chose to have
some coverage. If the people saw bad things they would be
mad about those things, not the worse ones that were
happening behind the scenes. It was all staged, like shadow
puppets.
With a shaky breath, I took hold of myself and decided to not
think any more about it. The more I knew about it, the more
involved I’d become which was far from what I wanted. What
I needed to do was to find my routine back and to do so I had
to go to work, so I got dressed. Dress codes were a pain, but I
managed to look good according to it, professional but- “Hot.
If I look confident, they won’t know I fear getting shot in the
head by random people.” I gave myself a once over, brushing
the inexistent dust and folds off my pants before tapping my
foot on the ground and nodding to my reflection. Grabbing a
hair tie, I tied my hair making sure to pin the wild hair out of
the way to look impeccable, “That’ll do.” Glancing at my
wrist, I saw it was already 8:15 and I had thirty minutes to get
to work. Living at about a 30 minutes’ walk, I chose to take
the subway to get there faster.
Grabbing my bag and keys from the entrance counter, I
clicked my tongue at the sight in front of me. The broken lock.
Yesterday filled me with fear, but today I was frustrated at the
damage done, I did not have the time nor the money to fix it.
Scoffing, I left the house and made sure to lock behind me
then made my way to the subway. This time I made sure to
look everywhere around me, to see if anyone suspicious was
nearby or perhaps was following me. I did not notice anything
odd until I sat down in the subway car and thought I had seen
someone with their phone pointed at me. With a swift turn of
my head, I tried to catch them but only saw people talking
together, absolutely not caring about me. Looking back at my
own phone, I frowned and told myself it was just paranoia. But
even as I told myself that, I could not shake off the feeling of
being watched.
With as much subtlety and discretion possible, I glanced
around the car to catch someone, anyone, looking suspiciously
my way. But the oddest thing I saw was a man with pink hair
sitting a few seats back, but his eyes were riveted on his phone
and his earphones were plugged in, his attention was clearly
not on me. Right in front of me was a very loud kid that kept
hitting the seat, but it was not suspicious either, everyone else
around me seemed to be focused on their phones to avoid any
interaction. Telling myself once more that I was being
paranoid, I reached out for my phone inside my bag and
scrolled through my contacts to see what the crazy man from
last night had done. There was nothing strange, no weird
name, nothing out of place, that is until I saw one contact
named “H”.
Pressing my thumb on the name, I shrugged, why not delete it?
Why not block his number? It’d make it a lot less easier for
him to contact me, right? Sure, he knew where I lived, but—he
knows where I live, once again I was reminded of the
inevitability of this. I almost dropped my phone when I saw it
light up with the letter H in big on the screen; while I kept my
face as neutral as possible, I was panicking thinking he had
seen me hesitate. Was he here? Did he know? Could he read
my mind- “What?” I picked up, putting the phone to my ear.
“You picked up fast, that’s good. Did I train you that well
already?” He mocked, his tone ever so joyful and uncaring.
Already annoyed, I sighed and replied, “I’m hanging up-“
“You’re not. Where are you?” He asked. In the background I
could hear the creaking of a desk chair then the wheels of it on
the ground before the sound of ceramic on wood. Or perhaps
just a glass or a cup, I did not know. “I can tell you where I am
not and that is at the police station, if that’s your worry.” I
whispered, not wanting people around to hear my
conversation. Mentioning the police would have drawn
attention if spoken too loudly, people were nosy no matter the
topic. “Oh, I know you’re not,” I heard the jingle of keys all
while he kept talking, “It’s been less than 24 hours, but you
are doing pretty good for a tattletale. I wonder how long you’ll
be able to hold your tongue-“ He stopped speaking when the
announcement of the next stop was made, of course he would
pay attention to it. He even had to gull to chuckle and hum
‘interesting’. Getting up, I was ready to hang up and said,
“That’s my stop, I am not going to the police, but I have a job
to attend to. Happy?”
“Happy? I’m elated, you’re not even trying to lie to me and
that-“ He grunted close to the phone and breathed out loudly
in content, I almost stumbled when my brain thought it was a
nice sound to hear. “That shows your potential, ‘knew you
were a good choice.” I rolled my eyes, and swiped my card to
open the doors as I stepped out, “You are too confident, what
makes you think I’m not lying? I hardly think you know shit
about my morning routine.” I huffed; my steps were fast to
lead me to the big building in front of the station. That man
was talkative, the call in itself was pointless but he was still on
the other end of the line, happily filling in the blanks. “’Cause
Sanzu is keeping tabs of course. Did you really think I would
let your roam free after all that happened last night? Don’t be
stupid, doll.” He stated in a very serious tone. It switched to
something more light-hearted as he continued, “He’s hard to
miss, but he’s smart enough to not get caught, that’s how good
he is.” He said off-handedly. Taking in his words, I looked
around quickly to see who was out of place, who had been in
the car with me and had left at this stop but I couldn’t see
anyone that thought was interrupted when I spotted him—
squinting my eyes, I saw the pink-haired man that was with
me.
Meeting his gaze, even with the mask covering the lower half
of his face I saw the crinkle in the corner of his eyes as he
smiled and waved. Walking faster, I entered the building and
kept a small smile on my face as I spoke, to stay professional,
“Call back your murder dog. I told you I was not going to rat
you out, you made it clear enough I had to stay in my fucking
lane so that’s what I’m doing. That criminal is not stepping
one foot in my workplace, if I see him I can assure you I’ll call
security-“ crossing paths with my boss, I nodded and smiled
sweetly, an utter contrast to the words that were being spoken
on the phone. “Good morning Sir.” Smiling in return, he told
me it was a great morning indeed then bid me farewell and
walked past me. It hit me like a whiplash to see my boss and
hear the crazy man over the phone laugh, it made me realize
the dangerous game I was now playing, trying to keep a
semblance of something normal while a sociopath had a hold
on me. Like a shadow following me around, never letting me
forget what I had gotten myself into.
“No need to call me Sir, although it does roll off your tongue
so naturally. Almost born to sub-“ Having to step inside the
cramped elevator, I switched to a customer-service voice and
smiled as I spoke, not letting the embarrassment show on my
body language, “Absolutely Sir, please consider my
suggestion about your… employment issue. If you have any
more inquiries, be sure to call during office hours.” Silently, I
crossed my fingers hoping he would understand what I was
doing and not get mad. The silence that followed made my
heart beat fast, it felt like all eyes were on me, but no one even
threw a glance my way. As the door was about to close, a hand
stopped it, effectively keeping it open before getting in. My
breath hitched upon recognizing the pattern of the suit, and
even if part of me tried to rationalize by telling myself it was a
common style, that thought was blown away when on the
phone and in front of me I heard, “I am more free during the
evening, I’ll be sure to swing by.” I did not wait for him to
hang up to do so myself.
I was fortunate enough that a sea of people was separating us,
and while his back was turned to me I could see his profile and
noticed the glasses placed on the bridge of his nose. Without
his intense gaze on me, I could take a proper look at his
features, this time properly lit. His hair was neatly done, which
was probably how he would start all his days but with how
hectic his evenings seemed to be, it would fall out of place.
Even if completely inadequate in such an environment, he was
not even trying to hide the tattoos that decorated the back of
his hands. But while it looked out of place among all those
office workers, he seemed professional, which was surprising.
The outfit was proper, the attitude was a lot tamer than the
night prior and with the glasses he had some smart air to it.
Without the crazy smile on his lips, he almost was good-
looking; it must have been the eyes that—are looking straight
at me, fuck he caught me. Averting my eyes to the side, I
played it off the best I could and started reading the newspaper
that the lady next to me was holding.
The life drained from my face when I saw the portrait of the
man I had seen getting shot last night; if they found out about
him how come they said they did not find anything at the
warehouse? “Did you know him? You seem concerned,
perhaps you’d like to read it?” The woman asked politely,
thrusting it forward for me to take. My face was probably not
as neutral as I thought it to be if she managed to read me so
easily and with a kind smile, I nodded and took it from her
hands, thanking her. I held myself back from glancing at
Hanma who still had his back turned on me and lost myself in
the words on the page.
Ryota Noboru, heir of the Noboru family, famously known in
the legal world as the one who would win the case no matter
the cost, died last night in his sleep at the age of 59 years old.
Satomi Noboru, his wife—of her maiden name Satomi Riko—
found him in their marital bed inanimate, peacefully asleep
around 10 PM last night. Ryota Noboru was prone to cardiac
issues; according to the EMTs (Emergency Medical
Technicians) his heart stopped hours before being discovered
but passed away in his sleep[…]
Blatant lie. A cover up. The paper crinkled under my fingers
as I clenched my fist around it; realizing what I was doing, I
stopped right away and closed it, ready to hand it back to the
older woman only to find the elevator empty. The only person
left was the violent man who was now leaning against the
wall, a smile on his face. My instinctive reaction was to push
myself against the wall to not be any closer to him and it made
him laugh as he placed his briefcase on the floor before
stepping closer. “Well written, right?” He said, his eyes
glancing at the paper in my hands before taking it and opening
it in front of me. “That ought to be a closed-casket funeral,
‘don’t think they’d wanna see his brains blown.” He noted, as
if he was commenting on the stock market fluctuating.
“How many people do you have under your stupid
organization? How many did you bribe?” I asked, snatching
the newspaper from his hands and pushing him away from me,
my hands splayed on his chest. Fighting now, while we both
knew who would win, was not a good idea, not at my
workplace. “What is it rat, are you trying to find your people?
Those who are just as tainted as you are?” His hand slithered
to mine and gripped it tight before being pulled away from
him, both our arms extended to the side as he gripped my chin
tight and pushed me to the wall. “Think of it more as, who’s
really good in this city? Answer that question, and you’ll know
who’s not on our side.” His nose brushed along my jaw before
reaching my ear where his breath caressed the shell of it, “A
rare breed they are, those good people. Hardly met any—but
that is because money is power and in such a capitalistic
world, blackmail, compensation, hush-money, call what you’d
like, it is the underworld’s currency.” He paused and chuckled
right next to my ear, his free hand glided to my waist and
pulled me close to him; I looked down at his hand in
frustration and tried to pull away, but he was holding me tight.
“That… and favors. We are very known for our favors, don’t
be shy to ask for any, I’ll gladly help you out.”
“I would never ask a favor of you, I’d never ask anything out
of you,” I spelled out close to his ear. A shiver ran down my
spine when his fingers dug into my skin as he pressed himself
more, but I did not let it get to me and continued, “Your way
with things is disgusting and brutal. I’ll manage well enough
on my own, thank you.” The loud laugh that followed startled
me, back to mocking again. Even if he had done it over and
over again, I was not used to it and felt my cheeks heat up in
embarrassment. Slowly, he let go of my hand and body and
leaned back just enough to take a look at me, “You’re fighting
it so much. Feel free to cave in and simply let go of that
righteousness of yours, I’m sure it’s exhausting to hold onto
something you know will crumble.” He smirked, his eyes
traveling over my body and stopping on my hips.
A person’s freedom ends where another one’s freedom begins,
that’s what famous thinkers came up with. But the boundaries
are not set by people, it is set by society—society binds us and
we comply, because it’s for the greater good, because we hope
everyone would do the same and respect one another, because
it’s the right thing to do. The moment one self-centered
asshole starts going against society’s boundaries, they are
reprimanded and told to comply, so is it truly freedom?
Obeying, following the rules, that keeps you on edge of not
wanting to break them in fear of being castigated and it is
tiring. Perhaps it is righteousness that binds us? And those
who are not compelled to be right are not bound, thus are
free… So, am I really free? It is tiring to have some
righteousness, but it is for the best… The best of a society that
is not here for its people, that is bribed and manipulated…
I hate this.
He needed to get out of here, every time he was here, I was
considering things I’d never considered before. “Leave my
workplace, I am sure I’ll see enough of you at night—I don’t
wish to see your disgusting person at work.” I spat, pushing
him with force. His fingers wrapped around my wrists
delicately and pulled me close to him, “Do you not know? I
am about to become a wealthy investor here; this place is not
as speckless as it seems and I’m about to make good use of it.”
My eyes widened, I had worked enough years here to know
this was not the place for his dirty wheeling and dealing, what
did he know that I did not? “I will act as if I do not know you.
If I cross paths with you, I will not even glance your fucking
way, understood?” With force I freed myself from his slender
hands and grabbed my bag from the ground before facing the
elevator door again.
It was only then that I realized it was not moving. Feeling my
heartbeat quicken, I stood on the spot unmoving, panic was
rising but I did not want to let it show in front of him. A
moment passed and I could hear Hanma hum behind me
before shuffling to my back, “I’d say pressing the emergency
button might help, but then again-“ Doing exactly that, rapidly
so, before he finished talking, I looked straight ahead again
and kept my mouth shut.
One of his hands found itself on my shoulder as his chest
pressed against my back, “You’re too funny!” He barked a
laugh, “You even think you can avoid me here, but I’ll let you
in on something, yeah?” Feeling him lean over my shoulder
made everything even more stuffed than it already was. The
air was getting heavy, my body was heating up in stress and
my breaths were becoming heavier. Bringing my fingers to my
neck, I pulled at my collar a bit to ease my breathing. “All I
hear when you talk are pleas of a poor little sheep in dire need
of a shepherd,” His hand slid from my shoulder to my neck
and wrapped around it delicately as his fingers tilted my head
back to look at him, “I’ll guide you, of course,” He breathed,
his tone low and almost seductive. It turned wicked fast, like
his smile, “I’ll remove those shackles of yours that are keeping
you from being truly free, unhinged.” My eyes darted to each
of his, not knowing where to settle. What I knew was that I
had no reply; as much as I tried to open my mouth to speak,
nothing came out. I could blame it on the panic, of course I
could… But part of me found his idea enticing. “That’s it,” He
drawled like he was praising a dog, “You skipped a few stages,
but I can see you’re accepting it already.”
The airy sound of the doors opening made me jump away from
him to stand on the far side of the elevator, away from him,
away from his hands and away from his awful thoughts. A
voice I recognized greeted us at the entrance of the elevator,
there stood one of the chairmen, the one they would usually
send to swoon investors and shareholders. A charming man
that knew how to coo people into giving him money, I would
go as far as to call him a weasel, but he was not as bad as some
others. “I see you have met our newest contributor!” Hideshi,
that was how we were to address him. He tried hard to seem
more accessible by asking us to call him by his first name, but
most of us stuck to calling him Chairman Eisuke, it was more
polite. Out of all the chairmen, he was probably the youngest
and while he was 34, he still did his best to be friendlier than
the others; it was useless, we were all aware of how sneaky the
man was. He had reached the top too fast; there was a rumor
that he had used his connections in higher places to secure
himself a spot among them.
Hanma reached out to shake Eisuke’s hand, I could see how
tight his grip was and he did not bow much to show respect,
only the bare minimum, “I am but an interested party at the
moment, you will have to convince me first if you’d like to
take my money.” I was taken aback by Hanma’s playful yet
professional tone, it sounded so normal that it made me
uneasy. Seeing him act as such truly showed he was good at
switching between his many facets, a real manipulator.
Holding back from scoffing, I bowed to both men and smiled
sweetly, “Hopefully we can count on your support…” With
my own hand reached out towards him I waited for him to
introduce himself. We had to keep the act up, we did not know
one another—at least not in this working world, not in front of
good people. “Hanma Shuji, a pleasure to meet you.” He
smiled too arrogantly to my taste as I told him my name, that
he knew probably well enough from all the background
searches that must have been done on me. Maybe I was giving
myself too much credit in thinking his organization would care
enough to do a background search, but I liked to think he was
a thorough son of a bitch. “Hopefully I will see more of you
around.” He laughed oh so charmingly, but it was all theatre.
That faux-playful tone was sickening to hear and yet I had to
play along as I got out of the elevator and chuckled almost
coyly. “Unfortunately, I do not work in the finance department,
so do not be too disappointed if we never cross paths again.” It
made Hanma grin and chuckle.
His gaze was burning my entire being by how intense it was.
Fuck I made myself sick playing along his stupid charade of
flirting like normal people that had just met. Nothing about
him was attractive, he was nauseating and a bad omen. “Oh,
you two get along so well already!” Eisuke beamed. “I will see
what I can do, perhaps she could show you the ropes? It is
quite a big firm; a lot of things can be said about it. I will skim
over the topics during our meeting,” He looked at me and
smiled, that smile turned into one that did not allow a refusal
from my part as he asked, “You don’t mind, do you?”
The grip I had on the handle of my briefcase tightened but my
lips curled into the fakest grin I could muster, “Absolutely not!
It’d be an honor. In the meantime, I will be working on my
dossiers.” Throwing a subtle glare at Hanma I then laughed in
fake shyness, “I will see you then.” Barely waiting for both
men to bid me farewell, I hurried off to my desk and heard
Eisuke say “Your associate is already in my office” to Hanma.
I did not wonder what he’d meant by that and let my heavy
steps fueled by frustration carry me away. I had been cornered,
in that elevator I could not have escaped and he enjoyed it.
Fucking asshole. And now he was interfering with my life
because he had learnt from Noboru that whatever he had been
looking for came from here; no matter how I looked at it, it
could not end well.
Many questions raced through my mind, what had he been
looking for? What was his angle by joining the said firm that
had what he wanted? Could he not just bribe the answer out of
the people responsible? Nothing made sense, but I did not
want to be curious enough to think about it more. If I did, I
was sure I would not like what I’d find out.
Sometimes skeletons are best kept in the closet, I thought as I
opened my briefcase to grab my files. Darting my eyes around,
a rush of excitement was what I felt at first, then common
sense hit and I was quick to close the briefcase when I saw
what was in it, this was not my stuff. It was far from bank
statements and attestations, the only possible reason for this to
be in here was that…
I had Hanma’s case. Fuck.
Chapter End Notes

I wrote that way too fast, the horny took control ngl…
Thoughts? Are you liking it? Suggestions perhaps?
Theories? I’m here for all of it, because I’m fired up for
this story, more than I can express. This man has me
eating from his palm and I’m shlorping all of it- mmm…
I’m too far gone.
Words : 8800
Added on 2nd October
 Chapter 3
Chapter Notes

Warning : blood, murder and torture

See the end of the chapter for more notes

I had Hanma’s briefcase on my desk, and its content was all I

could expect from a man like him. What was more surprising
was the effort put into concealing it; there was some sort of
foam that had the shape of the gun in the bigger compartment
in which the weapon was neatly placed. That I had seen from
my first glance, but as I opened it only enough to see the
inside, I noticed some white papers in the pocket of the case.
Opening it a bit wider, I grabbed them and took a good look at
it. Of course, it was not going to be anything minor, what did I
expect? Train tickets? Accounts statements? There was no
need for him to have those here, plus I was convinced he did
not feel the need to leave a city that he had control over. He
was probably comfortable enough as it was, getting all that he
wanted with one snap of his fingers.
Making sure no one was looking, I opened the folder and
closed it just as fast, my eyes pinned to my screen in shock. So
that’s what he had in mind, blackmailing. There were two files
on my desk, one with my boss’ name on it, his picture clipped
to the front, while the second one had Eisuke’s name on it,
displayed exactly like the other file. What I had seen was more
than enough to shame Kazuki Hideki, my boss, and I felt
somewhat ashamed of myself upon having seen the pictures of
him with a man other than his husband. I should not have seen
it, it had happened in the night’s discretion with only the moon
as their witness… but while the moon did not talk, photos did.
They had been caught and I was almost sure they did not know
it, that was Hanma’s leverage.
It made one wonder what he had on Eisuke…
My fingers drummed over the file, curiosity piqued and
morale hesitant. What weighed more on the scale? Integrity or
my hunger for knowledge? I did not wonder long, I already
despised the man as it was. If there was something
incriminating in those pages, enough to prove he was a
bastard, I wanted to see it. Pursing my lips deep in thought, I
considered my options and as I was about to open his file, a
hand clasped on my shoulder and startled me. As I turned
around, my mind hoped for it to be Hanma and a certain
disappointment filled my being when I saw my Junior Rai
Nayoko. She had joined earlier this year and needed some
guidance when unsure of what to do, I was more than willing
to help her anytime seeing how determined she was. At first
she had been shy in her demeanor, always glancing at me
many times before standing up suddenly and rushing to my
side, apologizing for disturbing me.
With time she was more excited, even more so seeing I was
never really bothered if it meant helping her get the hang of
the tasks. But right now… my mind was somewhere else; I
was anything but focused on doing some consulting or
coaching and yet I smiled. “Junior, what can I do to help?” I
asked as I crossed my legs and made sure to slide the files
under the briefcase before turning around and facing her. Her
eyes still glanced behind me as she clasped her hands behind
her back and grinned, “Would you like some help on your new
dossiers? I can see you brought it in that fancy briefcase, it
must be quite important. I would love an opportunity to work
on something other than-“ shaking my hands in front of me, I
joined in by shaking my head and chuckling nervously. “It’s
not, I-“ What excuse could I give? If I told her I got the wrong
suitcase, I was sure she’d still be curious to see what’s inside.
If I say it’s not important, she’ll think it’s odd that I am being
so suspicious. But I couldn’t just straight up lie to her, seeing
how elated she was.
I played a risky card.
“Well, it’s actually not my stuff. I must have messed my stuff
with someone and took a random person’s briefcase-“ I leaned
in as if to tell her a secret and continued with my playful tone,
“There is actually a gun in this,” I pointed at the briefcase over
my shoulder, “and a lot of blackmail material.” I then leaned
back on my chair and shrugged, “Nothing really interesting.” I
finished with a wink. Her face was shocked and for a moment
I thought I had fucked up, if she were to call security I surely
would be done for, but when she leaned back and burst out
laughing, I chuckled a bit too loudly along with her. “Very
well! If you need help I will be available Ma’am!” She said
with a smile then turned around.
Watching her walk away, I felt my soul leave my body and
sighed in relief. My chair now turned again towards the
screen, I shoved the files in the briefcase and stood up quickly.
I could not keep this briefcase; it was too risky. As I walked
out of my office, I made sure to nod at Rai then lifted the case,
“I’ll be sure to come back, I need to drop this to the-“ my
tongue caught in my throat upon making up this lie as I went,
“Finance department, I did all I had to do now it’s their turn.” I
laughed politely as she mirrored me and gave me a thumbs up.
Instead of going to the finance department, I went to the
restroom and locked myself in to have a proper look at
everything. Shaking my head, I still could not believe the
contents of the bag, but even upon being in disbelief I opened
it again, my hand moving on its own as if it had gone there
many times already to grab the two files. Putting the briefcase
on the floor, I closed it and reviewed the papers, making sure
to look at every detail. Starting with Eisuke’s file, I slowly
opened it and saw dark pictures. It was dark—a car stopped in
the middle of the road, someone on the floor. Checking the
other pictures, I saw him getting back in the car, the look on
his face was guilty, he was glancing back at the body. The
following pictures were blurry ones of his car driving away.
The last one was a zoomed-in picture of the dead woman, her
face bloodied, eyes devoid of life. Seeing it, I closed the file,
feeling sick from the sight, but I wondered if he had been
caught. Had he perhaps paid the police to hide everything, did
the family find closure?
Peeking at it again, I saw a hand-written note ‘hit and run, still
on the run’ then a list of people’s names, along with the
victim’s.
What was their leverage here? To have him cave in to
whatever their demands were by telling him they knew about
that awful, shitty thing he had done. Sighing in frustration, I
shoved the files back in the briefcase and glanced at the gun—
he might think I took it on purpose, he might get mad. I can’t
give it back to him, can I? Reluctantly, I reached for it and
pried my hand away from it rapidly when I heard the door
open suddenly. My entire body stilled, all my senses were on
high alert as I waited for the footsteps to stop in the next stall,
which they didn’t. Instead, they stopped right in front of mine.
Three firm knocks on the wooden door followed, I didn’t
move. Three more. Without a sound, I grabbed the gun and
placed it in the back of my pants, my belt holding it in place as
my blazer covered it fully, undetectable. With just as much
care as I had put in until now, I closed the briefcase and
gripped the handle as I stood up. Deep inside, I was hoping the
person would leave, hoping that the other stalls were taken and
they were in a hurry, but I felt a bad omen, the person behind
wasn’t good—“Ma’am! Are you in there? A tall handsome
man who says is a new shareholder would like a tour of the
firm, he doesn’t seem like the type to like waiting—did you
drop everything at the finance department? Are you feeling
alright-“ Unlocking the door, I got out with an apologetic look,
one to hide the fact that my face was blanching and I was
convinced she was a murderous maniac. “I’m sorry, I needed
some quiet to have a private call!” I lied, showing my phone
which had lit up a few times in the lapse of the few seconds I
had shown it.
“Very well! I’ll leave you be then, enjoy the tour—I’ll be
working on the Watanabe dossier in the meantime.” She
nodded and hurried out of the bathroom. Her heels hitting the
ground sounded so loud, but I knew it was because I was on
edge, I was trying to be hyper aware of everything around me
because I had done something I shouldn’t have.
Eavesdropping was one thing the man hated, what would he
do if he was convinced I looked through the files? He would
not be wrong, but the consequences would be awful for me.
Shaking myself back to reality, I placed the briefcase down,
clasped my hands on my cheeks and took hold of the case
again, “Give it to him, tell him goodbye, leave. Three steps.
Easy.” Nodding with conviction, I left the bathroom without
looking back and was quickly met with the man in question,
leaning against the wall, one foot on it as his arms were
crossed over his chest. “There she goes.” He said almost bored
with only his condescending smile betraying his true emotion.
His eyes drifted to my hips, then took a proper look at my
stance before settling on the briefcase, all in a few blinks of an
eye. With one gesture of his head, he said, “Let’s go
somewhere more private.” As he started walking, I grabbed his
arm and stopped him, “Just take it and leave, I haven’t-“
Looked inside, I wanted to continue, hoping he’d believe me.
But he cut me off, “But you did.” With that he grabbed my
wrist and led me to a blind spot in the corridor, a dead end. As
soon as he reached it, he slammed me to the wall and let one
hand slide to the briefcase while the other held my shoulder,
his arm pressing against my chest to hold me still.
“A curious rat, aren’t we? Tell me, what did you think of it?
Are you going to try to stop me?” He drawled, his lips a few
breaths away from my face. Keeping my eyes on his, I drifted
off topic to avoid answering his question, “Glasses do not
make you anonymous. It hardly suits you-“ His laugh
interrupted him as he rested his forehead against the wall, next
to my face. I caught a whiff of his strong cologne, truly
something a business worker would wear. I could hardly tell if
it was distinguished or awful. “Use your brain a sec, yeah? I’d
say these,” He lifted one hand, not the one from the suitcase,
showing me the back of it, “Are anything but lowkey, I don’t
fucking care about being recognized.” He started, his eyes
switching to something serious instead of the scaring
playfulness they’d usually adorn, “It’s those motherfuckers
who don’t want to be seen hanging around with people like
us-“ After that, his tone dropped, fakely reassuring as he
pressed his finger to my mouth, “So don’t fear, no…” He
tutted me like a child, then tried to pry my mouth open with
his index but was met with my clenched jaw and his finger
only brushed my teeth. Ticked off, he let go of my hand and
gripped my jaw to force my mouth open so he could press his
finger on my tongue, “If you don’t like the glasses, I’ll take
them off when I fuck you. Deal?”
I bit him. I bit his finger—and even as I did so, I know I held
back. It showed when he did not bleed and instead pulled his
finger out with a frown that disappeared as fast as it arrived,
“Now, rat. What does your moral compass tell you to do?
Unless you got rid of it? That’d be a shame, but truly a good
show of character!” Shoving the briefcase in his hands, I
glanced at it before looking back at him. “It’s all there-“ “It’s
not, you’re lying.” He said simply as he put down the case. His
hands clasped around my wrists delicately, so delicately that it
made me feel uneasy. Looking at them, he chuckled, “I
wonder…” He trailed off before grabbing both my wrists in
one hand, holding them over his left shoulder as his now free
hand moved to my waist and slid under my suit jacket. I tried
to arch my back away from his touch to avoid his hands from
touching the gun, but I heard it. I heard his hand wrap around
the handle, a short breathy laugh escaping his lips right next to
my ear, “What did you plan to do with that, doll?”
“Not letting you keep it.” I grunted, trying to free myself from
his grip. “Is that so? Why’s that?” He breathed down my neck,
making me tense up. My body stilled even more when I felt
the barrel of the gun press against my stomach, “I don’t get it,
really. Why would you wanna keep a gun away from me?” He
continued, his voice mocking and oozing audacity. I wanted to
headbutt him, but I knew it’ll leave some damage on me too,
so I had to remain calm. So, I closed my eyes to try as hard I
could to calm my fast-racing heart. “Just, keep the gun. Keep
everything, I don’t care, it’s not my business. Can you just…
tell me if the family knows the girl’s dead?”
A confused sound escaped his lips as he rose a brow
inquisitively, “You read the files, don’t play dumb. Hit and
run, he never got caught. That’s strong blackmail, that’s why
we’re using it.” He explained as a matter of fact. The pressure
from the gun on my stomach decreased, but I suddenly felt my
wrists being moved as the black and blond-haired man brought
them to his face. He brushed his nose against one of them then
grinned down at me, “Tell me you’re against this, oh-so-vile
and fucked up thing I’m doing.” He played with tones, some
words being said theatrically, clearly not caring one bit about
what I was saying. His morals were fucked, why would he
give any thought to considering his actions longer than
necessary? Blackmail got him where he was, why stop now?
Without an answer from me, he dragged his tongue on my
wrist, his toothy grin never leaving his face, “Not peeping a
squeak, rat? I’m a sick bastard who’s using people’s mistakes
against them-“ “He killed someone, call it reckoning, karma or
—or consequences, I don’t care. Don’t involve me in this,
that’s all I’m asking.” I told him rapidly, my eyes turned away
from him. With his lack of reply, I thought I had said
something wrong, but instead the man was smiling proudly at
me. “Fuck, see! That’s where you are already, great progress.
Here,” I felt him let go of my wrist then forcefully turn me so
that I was pressed against the wall, my back facing him.
Before I could even complain, he lifted my blazer, and I felt
the gun graze my lower back. I gasped in fear and closed my
eyes until I felt his fingers pull the hem of my pants just
enough to slide the gun in, making it stay put. Once it was
done, he let go of my clothes and slapped my ass before
grabbing the briefcase. I turned around, frustrated; at the same
time he spoke, “Keep the gun, you’ll need it later. It was gonna
be yours, now there’s your fingerprints all over it anyway.” He
shrugged and stood right in front of me, ready to go.
Glaring at him, I brushed the non-existent dust from my outfit
and straightened my back. “I don’t want it, I’ve never used a
gun in my life, I never planned on using one and I never will-“
“Shut. Up, already.” He punctuated his words all throughout
his long sigh, his head tilted back in boredom. Lifting it back
to look at me, he added, “What you wanna do, or don’t wanna
do, I don’t care. When I tell you to do something, you do it.
It’s only fair that I’m letting my assets have something to
protect themselves, so you keep the fucking gun and you
follow me. Clear?” This was not the crazy man I had seen at
the warehouse, it was not the oddly flirty one, but it was not
the business man either. It was a man part of a somber
corporation that did not have time to waste, he needed to get
shit done and quickly. No attitude could be given at this
instant. So, I clenched my jaw and gritted through my teeth,
“Sure thing, lieutenant.” For a second I thought he’d take me
down, a flash of anger crossed his face but did not stay long.
That haughty smile was back as he approached me and slung
his arm around my shoulders, “Now, doll. Calling me sir was a
lot hotter, you should go back to that.” He laughed loudly,
making me think it was good he could make himself laugh
because I was on the verge of peeing myself in fear.
Not responding, he stopped talking, but kept his arm around
my shoulders as he guided me to where he wanted. When he
stopped in front of Eisuke’s office, I threw him a fearful glance
and tried to push him away, but he kept me close as he
unlocked the door with the electronic keycard, opening it
wide. His entrance was impudent, cocky, loud, but he did not
care. His arm reached out far as the door slammed shut behind
us once he had kicked it, so that’s when he let go of me.
The sight greeting me was my superior, Eisuke, tied with zip
ties to the beautiful ebony chair, which must have cost quite a
fortune. His mouth was gagged by his own tie; they had
completely removed it from his collar and balled it up before
shoving it in his mouth. His hair, full of sweat already from the
little time separating our last encounter, was sticking to his
forehead. His white shirt was slowly joining the state of his
hair by sticking to some parts of his chest, blood droplets
adorning it. His face was covered in cuts and bruises, the tie
also had some blood on it. I could see the fear and confusion
in his eyes, but I was sure the confusion was mirrored in my
gaze. Fear, while very present, had yet to be justified;
something in my chest told me I was the one in power here,
that I was not going to be beaten up like Eisuke had been.
“Brought her for the fun!” Hanma said loudly. Looking to
where he had set his eyes, I saw the pink-haired man from the
train sitting on the desk with a huge grin on his lips. Some
blood was splattered on his cheek, but it did not wipe the smile
off his face, not at all. Lucky for him, his grey suit was intact.
He was the opposite of Hanma. While Hanma’s shirt was
white, the pink-haired man’s was black and his tie was white
while Hanma’s was black. The suits contrasted one another
entirely. The biggest contrast, though, was how well-kept they
were while a man was bleeding on a chair in front of them—
how carefree they were in this situation. If not carefree,
overconfident. But was it overconfidence or were they in the
right to bask in such sentiments? They had control, they had
the power, they were safe…
“Took you long enough, did you fuck or something?” The
pink-haired man—I was now struck with the remembrance his
name was Sanzu—asked off-handedly, perhaps not even
interested in what Hanma had done. “Had my fun for sure, but
she’s still here, isn’t she fun?” Hanma replied, pushing me
forward with force, almost making me tumble. I balanced
myself fast enough, but did not move from where my feet had
led me after the push; my eyes did follow Hanma as he joined
Sanzu on the desk and lit a cigarette. “Hideshi, my guy, ya
know her, yeah? You’re in that state cuz she kept the good
stuff, you know, blackmail and shit.” When Eisuke did not
reply, Hanma kicked the chair that had been moved in front of
the desk, at least a few steps from it, to have Eisuke give some
sort of response. The latter nodded fervently, sobs escaping his
mouth even through the cloth of his tie. “She’s your-“ the man
with the glasses paused, placing the heel of his hand that was
holding the cigarette against his forehead as he chuckled.
“Your—shit, fuck I forgot.” After a few moments he snapped
his fingers from his free hand then looked up, grinning, “Your
reckoning, that’s it!”
Seeing Eisuke’s face lit up in confusion, I could only mimic it
when I looked at Hanma with furrowed brows. “What do you
mean? You could have come to get that briefcase! I said don’t
get me involved-” Sanzu was the one to speak up as he got off
the desk and approached me with a patronizing grin, “You
thought this was a pick and choose kind of situation?” he
shook his head. All my eyes could do was to look at the scars
at the corners of his mouth, even if I tried to pry my gaze from
it. It made me wonder how he got them, but I did not wonder
for long since the man brought the focus back to his words by
saying my name loudly, “You should be glad you’re
participating already! It’s an opportunity to prove yourself to
the king.” Humming, thinking his words were exactly what I
needed to hear, he grabbed my hand and made it face palm up,
“So here’s what you’re gonna do, woman.” One of his hands
moved to the inside of his vest from where he pulled out a
cylindrical thing. “You’re gonna shoot him.”
My eyes shot up to his, then Hanma’s—I’d beat myself up
later for glancing at him, as if asking for permission, as if
asking him to save me from this. He only grinned and huffed
out the smoke, one slender hand holding the desk while the
other held the cigarette with some elegance as he leaned back
lazily. How can something so vile be qualified as elegant? I’d
wonder later. But it was not the moment. A second after he
had told me to shoot Eisuke, I dropped the weapon to the
ground and asked “Why?!” Hanma told me to pick the thing
up at the same time when Sanzu replied, “To see what it
does-“ Crouching to grab the item, I barked back, “He’ll bleed
out! That’s what will happen! I can’t aim for shit, I don’t want
to, we should just kill him or-“
Hanma’s voice echoed as he got off the desk and slowly
walked up to us, “Kill him? You’re suggesting we kill him?
You don’t even know why we’re doing this, bit soon don’t you
think?” He was fucking around with me. The smile on his face
was proof of it. I don’t know why I had said we—they should
kill him. Had I taken pity on his state? Did I want to end his
suffering fast? Or was I just avoiding the responsibility of
shooting someone? “I didn’t-“
I was getting angrier every time he’d finish my sentence
instead of letting me do it. “Mean it? You did, come on, doll.”
One large step and he was by my side. His hand moved behind
my back, I did not move as his fingers grazed my back slowly,
on purpose, almost sensually, only to reach the gun that he
pulled out and placed in my hand forcefully, wrapping my
fingers on the handle. “You got the silencer; you got the gun.”
He started, then stepped back, “Use that little rat brain of
yours, and you can do crime without getting caught-“ He
interrupted himself and nodded, “Yes, even in an office full of
innocent people! How thrilling is that, hm?” Facing him in
awe, I was gripping the two items in my hand tight, I could
feel that my entire body was freezing, but my hands were
starting to sweat, I was cornered.
Stammering, I tried to come up with the proper words to
defend myself, to get out of this situation, but it only annoyed
Sanzu. Just like Hanma, his personality seemed to do a 180°
really quickly. I had guessed it when I felt him grab my hair
and pull me towards him, his palm on the nape of my neck as
he tilted my head back, fingers threaded through my hair.
“You’re chickening out, here, that’ll help.” With that he
shoved a pill on my tongue—at first, I tasted the metallic taste
of blood on his fingers, then I closed my mouth and pulled out
of his hold to spit the pill on the ground. “Don’t fucking drug
me! Don’t-“ I lifted the gun and pointed it at him, I was not
thinking, I acted because he had caught me off guard, I did not
want to shoot. But his stupid smile when I did that irked me,
all of them looked at me in disbelief. Not a look of surprise,
but one that said they knew I was not going to shoot, and I had
messed up by aiming it at him.
The pink-haired man did not move, instead he stuck his tongue
out and placed a small medicine tablet on his tongue, but it
was no medicine. I was very aware of that. He did not talk,
just stood right in front of me, unbothered. I was startled when
I felt two hands on my shoulders then felt something brush
against my cheek; when I tried to elbow whoever did that, I
was stopped and the hand that grabbed my elbow slowly
moved to the hand that held the silencer. “Half-way there
already, knew you were a quick learner doll.” Hanma breathed
right next to me, his cheek against mine. Humming, he let his
other hand drag to the one holding the gun and he brought the
two of them close, “Stop it, let go! Don’t. Don’t—just don’t.”
It did not make sense; I don’t know what I was trying to say.
My mind was foggy, adrenaline being the condensation that
made it all blurry. My entire body was aware of Hanma’s
against it, his hands against mine, his skin touching my face,
the unnecessary gentleness in his touch and actions as he
guided me. When I tried to lower the weapon, he tutted me
and helped me keep it up. “Don’t back down now, that’s not
fun.” He said breathlessly as he tapped his finger on my left
hand.
“This goes at the end of the gun.” He said in a teacher-like
manner. It did not suit him at all, if anything it made him look
even more crazy. This man was anything but caring, this
situation did not call for such gentle demeanor, yet here he
was, smiling proudly as he showed me the gun. I was holding
my breath, all too focused on his one that was hitting my
collarbone from the angle he was in. Looking down at my
hands, I followed his instructions with slightly shaky hands.
My eyes kept glancing over at Sanzu who had long since
crouched in front of us and was staring at the man they had
beaten up; he did not feel threatened one bit by my presence
and the gun I had pointed at him. “I don’t want to do this.” I
whispered. What was I thinking? That he’d be kind and tell me
to stop? That’d never happen, I barely knew the man, but I
understood how his mind worked, somehow, sometimes…
His hands tightened around mine for a moment then clasped
around my shoulders suddenly as he leaned over, “Of course!
We’ll stop!” He exclaimed with a chuckle that froze my entire
being when his fingers dug into my shoulders, once more his
actions did not match his words. “We’ll stop once you’ve shot
him. So, put the gun together and shoot him.” Hanma glanced
at Sanzu and quirked a brow, “It takes what? Less than a
minute?” the pink-haired man nodded and stood up stretching.
“Unless you don’t have the guts to do it, like your girl here.”
He said, clasping his hand around the gun once I had put the
silencer on. He tried to take the gun from me, but I resisted.
Why? I don’t know, but I did. It put a smile on the man’s face
as he quickly let go and brought his hands up in a defensive
manner, “Like a watchdog! Go ahead, then.” With his hands
on my shoulders, Hanma turned me around while Sanzu stood
right next to me, giggling like a maniac.
Hanma’s cold hands moved to where my neck and collarbone
met, he made sure to slide them under my collar as he gave me
a squeeze. I felt chills run down my spine. “You’re doing so
well, see—you can change your mind easily with the right
incentive-“ “There is no incentive, what do you want from
him? I need—I need something, anything!” The tallest crazy
man shaped my face with his hands, his chest still against my
back, “Trying to justify your actions? Can’t we just do it for
fun?” “Hanma, please, I can’t-” His hands wrapped around my
throat delicately, a long sigh escaping his lips as he rested his
chin on my head. With a low hum, I felt him chuckle, the air
from his nostrils moving some of my hair on my forehead.
“We need him out of the chairmen, he’s useless. Paid his way
in, so how smart is he really? At best he can bore people into
feeling the need to buy some shares to make him shut the fuck
up.” It was all said in a serious, if not bored, tone. My body
was tense since he had wrapped his hands around my neck, I
could feel the slight pressure every time I’d swallow my
saliva.
“Not enough.” I uttered in something close to determination.
The gun in my hand felt heavy, I was not even sure how I was
still holding it—holding was too tame of a word, I was
clenching my hands around it, trying the best I could to keep it
stable. “He’s not as malleable as you are, look at him-“ Two
fingers pressed on each side of my jaw, he made me look at
the man properly, “’Looks like a weasel, a man that would
crumble under pressure. He already shared so much with us.
We don’t need a man like that, he’s been depleted of any worth
he had.” He continued, but it was not enough for me. I was not
moving, if anything my determination was faltering. I felt like
shit, scum, like I was dirty, and I hadn’t done anything yet.
“Hurry up already!” Sanzu groaned as he threw his head back
—he was back to leaning on the desk and was bored out of his
mind.
If that hadn’t startled me, Hanma’s voice next to my ear did,
“He killed that poor girl, we can’t let him get away with it, can
we?” “I don’t kill, you said shoot him. I’ll do that then I’m
free to go, right?”
A sound of surprise escaped his lips as he let go of me and
looked at me in awe, “All you needed was that? An eye for an
eye and whatnot, that was all?” Meeting Eisuke’s eyes, I
faltered once again. But nodded. They said to shoot him, not to
kill him, right? I did not have the guts to kill, nor the skills, I
had never used a gun before—the most harmful thing I ever
did was when I was a kid and accidentally hit my neighbor’s
head when he had come to help me plant flowers with my
mother. With a shovel. A shovel was not a weapon. A gun was
—and I had one in my hands. It was not a situation in which
the damage could be fixed with some ointment. It would take
stitches, somehow they’d have to have him brought out of here
and get him somewhere without anyone seeing the blood… It
was doable, this was just a shake down. A violent one- “I can
go after this, promise me.” I blurted.
Stepping closer to Eisuke, Hanma walked around him and
placed both his hands on the chairman’s shoulders, squeezing
them threateningly. “Of course, I promise. We wouldn’t want
you to break down just yet. So, get over yourself and shoot.”
I glanced at the man in the black suit, his eyes dead set on
mine, a glimmer of delight brightened his face and it looked
almost nice. Something he was not. Stress rose, I lowered the
gun to the man tied up to the chair, “Mmmhm, one step closer,
now the finger.” I heard Hanma coo his instructions, the grin
on his face was very present, just like last night as his finger
moved in the air, mimicking a trigger and him pushing it. The
business man habits had long since been discarded and his
manic self was the one I was facing. His chuckle reached my
ears, I glanced at him and frowned only to have him bark a
laugh, “Do it! Go ahead! Step closer if you need it-” “I don’t
need it.” I scoffed.
He did not care much, what a surprise. I saw him open his
jacket and reach inside of it to pull out his gun and place it
against Eisuke’s temple, “Like that you can’t miss, you even
get to redecorate his lame office.” He was almost bored, but
that expression left his face when Eisuke started sobbing as he
gesticulated the best he could on his chair. Sanzu was
grumbling to himself on the side, but I ignored him. My index
finger moved on the trigger, barely pressing it, slowly I pushed
it- “Finally!” Sanzu exclaimed, stopping me in my actions.
“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death~” Music
started playing from the speakers in the corner of the office, I
looked around and glanced over at Sanzu who was grinning
proudly, perhaps sadistically too as he pointed from me to
Eisuke, “Go ‘head!” He ordered.
Closing my eyes, I pressed the trigger—at the same time,
Hanma called my name for me to open my eyes. I had aimed
at his leg, that was my goal, but the recoil of the gun made the
aim awful; squinting my eyes, I saw the blood that started
staining his shirt right over his rib. Panic took over and I
dropped the gun. My gaze flickered between the two laughing
men, the one with his phone lifted in the air as he sang along,
smiling in satisfaction and the one who was walking up to me
while clapping with a content smile on his face. I could barely
look at him, my eyes could not focus on a straight point, the
blood, the gun, my hands shaking, the shoes approaching, the
open suit—the arrogant smile. That last one was the one that
grounded me for more than a few seconds when I felt a
seething rage built up in my chest from the sight.
He bent over to grab the gun from the ground then
straightened up and handed it to me, “Well done! Looks like it
could even be your first kill-” In my distress, I cut him off
with a rant, “It’s done! Now call an ambulance, or your medics
or whatever you call your little gang members-“ The loud
bang of a gunshot followed. My first instinct was to look at the
gun Hanma had handed me, thinking he had shot me with it,
but when I saw and felt I was fine, I looked up at the bastard
and saw his smirk. Lifting his hands, the gun was hooked by
the trigger guard on his thumb, his hands splayed high to show
he didn’t do anything. My eyes widened in realization; I was
quick to push him aside to see what Sanzu had done. I could
not be more grateful when I felt Hanma’s arms slide under
mine from behind to hold me back with his hands clasped
together behind my head. “What the fuck did you do!!” I
screamed at first, trying to run to the now limp body, but
Hanma was strong and kept me on the spot. Nausea followed
soon after and I had to look away, my insides feeling weak
from the stress that had left my body. One of Hanma’s hands
clasped itself on my mouth as he whispered threateningly, “I
just praised you for the good work, don’t be a loud bitch now,
yeah?”
Instead of fighting against his hold, I just stopped moving and
tried to think of anything else but the man that had just been
shot dead in front of me. It was different than last night, I
knew this man, I had worked with him and I had shot him.
Sure, I did not give him the coup de grâce but I had partaken
in it, that made the matter worse. With a strict voice, Hanma
told Sanzu to cut the music off and gestured to the phone on
the desk. The pink-haired nodded and cut the zip ties off the
body on the chair before pushing it to the ground and pulling
the chair to the desk to sit on it gracefully. “You’re gonna use a
nice, sweet, stupid voice and tell the receptionist Eisuke is
busy and you’re the one taking good care of him today,
understood?” He asked under his breath whether I’d scream
again if he removed his hand from my mouth, I shook my head
in response. Humming in satisfaction, he let go of me and held
me balanced until I could balance myself.
Clearing my throat, I dragged myself to the desk and picked
up the phone, my hands clammy and cold at the same time.
After a few deep breaths, I waited for the music to fully stop
and both men to stop talking before pressing the number for
the receptionist. I heard it beep a few times before the person
at the desk picked up and happily greeted me. I was quick to
talk over them in a fake-enthusiastic tone, “Hi! Just wanted to
say Eisuke’s gonna be a bit busy today and maybe tomorrow
—depends on how well I take care of him, cancel his
meetings-“
The receptionist interrupted with a serious tone, “Could I
speak to him? Why isn’t he the one telling me this?” Throwing
a panicked look at Hanma, he shrugged and mouthed with a
smirk ‘improvise’. All I could do was roll my eyes, my tone
was kept slightly higher than usual as I replied, “Well, he’s a
bit—tied up right now” I said in a playful tone, images of
Eisuke tied on the chair flashing in my head, “If you know
what I mean! You know men, ready to do the craziest things at
the craziest time, but he pays me well so that’s cool-“ I spoke
as fast as possible, making the person feel like I was about to
rant for a while and clearly it worked since the receptionist on
the other end of the phone was flustered as they quickly told
me they’d cancel the meetings and they’d make sure no one
interrupts us. Thanking them wholeheartedly, I slammed the
phone down to hang up, my expression turned from politely
talking on the phone to dead inside. I felt it as my smile fell. “I
am leaving now.” Was all I said before walking away from the
desk. The annoyance I had felt over this entire situation made
me do something I was sure I’d regret, yet I had done it.
As I walked past Hanma, I bumped his shoulder with mine and
muttered, “Filthy bastard.” Almost instantly, his big hand
clasped on my shoulder to stop me; I turned around suddenly
with furrowed brows and was glad Sanzu was busy on the
phone, it meant I could have a private conversation with
Hanma. “You look mad, doll. Looks like you took it quite at
heart here-“ “You fucking shot him!” He grinned at my
outburst, “So did you.” Then he added that he hadn’t been the
one to do it.
I forced his hand off my shoulder and pushed him with all my
force, he only stepped back a little but did not seem bothered
by my actions. “You said I should shoot him!! Not kill him!”
“And you didn’t kill him, Sanzu did.” About to scream at him
once more, I kept my mouth shut after hearing his words. Why
was I getting so worked up? What did I expect? Did I expect
him to let him walk away after doing all of this to him? Did I
expect them to possess any ounce of mercy in them? What was
mercy if not a tendril of empathy, something none of them
had. “Bit too mad, I didn’t kill someone you loved, did I? So
why are you so fucking mad?” He huffed, pushing his jacket
back a bit to shove his hands in his pockets to stand tall.
“I’m mad because it was my boss!” “Nah, you don’t care ‘bout
him—didn’t.” He quickly mumbled an apology, albeit one that
was mocking the man dead on the floor. I racked my brain for
something, anything that made sense to justify my anger.
“You said to shoot him!”
“And you did that, we already said that didn’t we?” He asked
in fake confusion.
“Then I could walk away!” I added with fervor.
“Which you did. Never said he was.”
“I thought-” Running my hands over my face, I was getting
even more worked up by this fast-paced exchange. Hanma
delicately grabbed my hands and put them away from my face,
“You thought what? I’d be a nice guy because I didn’t fuck
you on the balcony?” My face flushed for some reason, the
words flooded from my mouth before I could even think them
through, “I trusted you.” We were both fast to realize the
words I had uttered. I regretted them instantly and pried my
hands from his, pushing him away as I stepped back. Hanma
matched my actions but stepped forward, grinning maniacally.
Shaking my head, I justified myself, “I don’t, I didn’t, never
plan to. I meant I thought you had-“ “Sympathy?” He
inquired, the tip of his fingers placed under my chin to lift it,
“Pity?” He leaned over; his face so close to mine I could feel
his breath on my lips. “Generosity?” He huffed a laugh, “I am
generous, oh yes. I love to give,” with one swift movement, his
lips were by my ear, and he whispered, “But if you ever feel
generous too, I can never refuse a gift.”
Why did my breath hitch? I moved my hand to push him away,
but my fingers curled around the hem of his tight vest. That
moment was short, it barely lasted a few seconds, but I
realized the wrongness of my action quickly and shoved him
from me. His laugh echoed as he balanced himself again, he
did not follow me when I walked to the door. “I need to keep
this job, don’t get caught… don’t let my fingerprints-”
Looking around to find my gun—the gun I had been given, I
corrected myself, not liking what I had thought. Once I saw it
in the front of Hanma’s pants, I walked up to him and grabbed
it quickly before walking away, he laughed once more,
whistling in a way that resembled a catcall and amazement.
“Already liking your new toy? Keep it at all times close by,
you never know when you’ll need it now that you killed
someone.” He winked. His eyes were not leaving mine and he
was not moving, but the look he was giving me was carnal. I
did not know whether he wanted to put a bullet in my brain or
fuck me against the wall. Logic told me the former, but how
long could I cling to logic with those people who seemed dead
set on defying it simply by acting to their heart’s content?
Flipping him off, the last words I spoke to him were, “I’m not
a killer, I have empathy, fuck both of you.” With that I
slammed the door shut and the next things all happened in a
blur. My brain was flooded by all sorts of chemicals,
adrenaline was the main one, I was clumsy from all the energy
it had given me, or at least it had woken me up for sure. It felt
like I had a fever, I was feeling weird all over but I could not
ignore how alive I felt too, it scared me. Opting to take the
stairs to not be too alone with my thoughts in the elevator, I
reached my floor and walked past my junior whose head rose
upon seeing me. I could hear her call out for me, but all I
wanted was to take my bag and leave, take a day off, I needed
it—a poke on my forearm. I turned around rapidly and saw
Rai with her sweet smile, “How was it!”
Nausea hit me, how was the visit with the murderous man?
The tall handsome one, as she’d described it. What could I say
but, “The usual questions about the firm. Little anecdotes
about the coffee machine, small talks really.” It was anything
but that. It broke all the codes of small talks, of usual, it was
hectic, awful, illegal and while you forgot small talk, this was
something I could never ever forget. “He looks very hot! Did
you see those tattoos? Did you get his number?” ‘I did’ was
the answer to both her questions, I however wished I could say
I didn’t. I wish I had not met him last night, wish I was still in
my silly little routine away from this chaos. But I said, “One
can dream, I am sure he is taken.” A polite chuckle. I grabbed
my bag and nodded at her, “If you’ll excuse me, I need a day
off. I feel quite nauseous, probably from something I ate last
night.” The fucking concrete? That sure was something I ate
many times from all the times he threw me on it.
“Of course, of course! Take care, I will see you tomorrow.”
She smiled. I mirrored, even if inside all I wanted was to go
home, pass out and forget about all of this. But I knew deep
down that nothing would return to normal and also wondered
when would they find out about Eisuke… Tomorrow? In 3
days? A week? Many questions crossed my mind as I walked
out of my office. When I crossed the glass door at the
entrance, I looked back at the building and up at Eisuke’s
office. The curtains were wide open, and the two men were
standing by the glass frame, a glass in hand I believe? It made
me sick to see how little concerned they were of the situation.
Shaking my head, I turned around and walked to the subway,
my phone vibrating in my pocket startling me in the process.
Looking at the message, I huffed a laugh that turned into a
worried one, regretting laughing at it. It read,
H. : Feel free to join us for a drink, it’s a real party. I can see
you looking.
Perhaps I had laughed at how inappropriate it was, after all a
body was laying at their feet in that very room. I thought it
preferable not to answer him right away and put my phone
away until I reached my house; this time, there was no pink-
haired man with me on the subway but even so, I felt like I
was being watched, it was impossible to think it stupid since I
had been followed already once. Not one possibility felt more
strange than the other, and there were no incidents at all until I
reached my house.
No one was there, of course… but when I tried to unlock my
door, my key did not fit. Taking a moment, I tried again,
making sure it was the right direction for the key. Nothing
worked. I ran my hand down half of my face and smiled in
frustration, “It’s not him, I must have taken the wrong key. It’s
not-” Shoving my keys in my bag, I grabbed my phone and
pressed Hanma’s contact to call him, “Who am I kidding, of
course it’s him.” I laughed, tired and frustrated as the phone
rang.
The man picked up in no time, smugness rolling off his
tongue, “What is it, doll? Is it a confession-call to tell me how
much you love bad boys-“ “My lock, my keys do not fit.” I
stated as a matter of fact. He knew what I was talking about,
but I heard him move before hearing the smile on his lips, “Is
that some sort of fancy way to say your fingers don’t fit your
pussy? If that’s the case, I’ll gladly help-“ “You changed my
locks! I know you did, you’re crazy enough to do that. You
just had to fix what you had broken! So why did you-“
“It’s an upgrade. I fixed what I broke, didn’t I?” He asked
rhetorically before adding in a darker tone, “I love breaking
things, get used to it. Odds are I’ll break you soon enough, but
we know how malleable you are, so I’ll build you right back up
—we’ll just add a pinch of crazy, for entertainment’s sake,
yeah?” I would not break, at least I did not want to, but who
was I to be so sure about something such as mental strength?
He seemed well-versed in breaking people’s minds, a skill one
should fear about him, other than his mental instability. “The
key, where is it?” I asked, ignoring his promise.
Hanma hummed, I heard a jingle of keys on his side of the
line. “Well, I do have my own key here, yours should be in an
envelope in your mailbox. Can’t wait for those late-night
visits!” “Good, fuck you. Have a good day.” I spat before
hanging up and getting everything where he had said it was
and entering the door. With one quick swoop around my
house, I made sure nothing was out of place and that no one
was inside, before locking everything and moving to my
balcony to have some fresh air. I had thrown my bag on the
couch on my way out and took a large intake of air once on the
balcony.
With my elbows now resting on the railing, my eyes locked on
my hands while I rubbed them together from how cold it was,
still in the morning. Too much had happened in too little time,
I barely had time to take anything in. I did not know what was
the next thing they’ll ask of me, nor when. Hanma kept
threatening he’d break me, but I was still standing for now, yet
I still felt like something bad was about to happen. My chest
was heavy, like I was drowning. All these actions I was about
to commit in the name of an organization I did not know, how
far will they push me? It had started off too strong. I now
feared what I was capable of under their pressure. I feared I
would follow his orders, no matter what they were and even if
I justified my actions, I would not notice how deep in I’d be
until it’s too late.
I knew something was going on, like droplets falling from the
ceiling. I put a bucket underneath, I try to justify everything, to
tell myself it’ll be alright, that I won’t break… But soon
enough the bucket will overflow and I’ll be in too deep, I’ll be
part of them forever. I don’t want that, do I? Don’t ‘do I?’
yourself, you don’t want that! I reprimanded myself before
sighing. “This won’t do, what am I supposed to do?” Looking
off to the side, I saw the cigarette crushed in my flower pot, a
reminder of last night. A flash of his slender hands around the
filthy cigarette as he looked at me with that arrogant, confident
look. Another dry scoff escaped my lips as I pushed myself
from the railing and mumbled, “Guess I’ll buy an ashtray,
maybe a knife too.”
“Good idea! It’ll be better for your plants, really.” Someone’s
voice echoed inside my house as I stepped back in. “Now the
knife’s bit a stupid since you got a gun.”
“Who the fuck are you!?”
Chapter End Notes

It’s dark but hot. Yeah…. I’m this close to fuck Hanma
on a crime scene. Took a bit longer cuz I had to celebrate
my birthday and take the fattest naps ever, but here we
are my lovelies. Thoughts? Who do you think is there?
Thoughts on what’s gonna happen? I am all ears.
Words : 9069
Added on 14th October 2021
 Chapter 4
Chapter Notes

Mentions of suicide (not suicidal) - Gun - Violence, the

usual uh…
See the end of the chapter for more notes

“Who are you?!”

The man who was comfortably sitting on my couch, legs
crossed with the remote in his right hand, looked at me with a
confident smile and quirked a brow tentatively. “The police?”
It made him laugh right away, not even able to convince
himself with those words he had just uttered. He even threw
his head back with that loud laugh, his hair following the
tilting of his head and draping back. The left side of his head
was shaved strangely, some spots had very short hair, one had
no hair at all and was only covered by a black tattoo. The rest
of his skull had longer hair, down to under his shoulders and
entirely white, clearly dyed like most of the men I had
encountered from this organization.
With a dry scoff, I moved my hand to my back to take hold of
my gun and nodded his way, “You look like anything but the
police.” In one quick move, I lifted the gun and aimed it at
him. Relaxed as ever, the man stood up and took off his coat
nonchalantly before throwing it on the back of the couch,
“Private detective then.” He said with a smile, I believe I even
heard him mentioning not wanting to dirty his coat. “I think
you should leave.” I stated, glancing at the gun in my hands to
make him understand. Could I shoot him? Probably not, there
was no pressure, I was in my own home—but I wanted him to
be afraid, which he did not seem to be. His composure
remained. The man looked fashionable for someone part of an
illegal organization, an outfit quite different from the five men
I had already encountered. With a sigh, the criminal ran his
hands from his face to his hair as he let his head fall back once
more before groaning. “Put the gun down.” He exhaled in a
bored tone.
“Answer my question first, who are you?” Just like him, I
stood my ground.
Out of nowhere and in one swift move, he reached his arm
towards the ground, a metallic sound following as a baton
extended along his movement. I did not know where he had it
stashed, but he held it in a ferocious grip as he looked up at
me. He was not playful like Hanma, his expression was dead
serious. “I’m here to make sure you don’t tell on us.” My eyes
flickered to the weapon as I lowered my gun and gestured with
my head to the baton. “Are you going to beat obedience into
me? Perhaps put a gun to my head?” His jaw clenched, his
nostrils flared, it seemed I had ticked him off. But his face
changed completely as he smiled sweetly, twirling the baton in
his hand skilfully, “No, of course not. I’m more brains than
brawn,” He hummed to himself as he approached and grabbed
the gun from my hand without even giving me a second to
realize. He then threw it on the couch by his coat and grinned,
“Hanma’s the one responsible for whatever you do, so he’s the
one who’ll beat ya up if you go coocoo.”
There was a short silence. I then pushed him aside and walked
up to my door, feeling drained from today and not in the mood
for more of whatever they had planned for me. There was no
purpose in mentioning how I was under Hanma’s guardianship
or whatever they’d call it. He had been the one to bring me in
—it made sense—but it did not mean I wanted to interact more
with him either. “Then leave, I won’t say shit. What happened
today is incriminating enough to make me stay in my lane.”
Another moment of silence as the man looked at me confused.
He slowly walked up to me again and I rolled my eyes,
walking opposite of him, not wanting him near me. “Why are
you still here…?” My tone made it so he had to introduce
himself, so with a short laugh he told me, “Kokonoi, call me
Koko.” My sole response was to raise a brow to ask him to
continue, my question had yet to be answered.
Beaming, he laughed and raised both his hands again in a
defensive manner, but it was more to show he was not going to
do anything, “Alright, you got me!” his tone then dropped and
he hopped over the couch to reach me in an instant. I flinched
at the speed. He poked my stomach with the baton before
dropping it and cradling my face in his hands, breathing, “I’m
on guard duty so you don’t fucking kill yourself.” His words
were crude, there was no other way to say it, but it hit me like
a brick. It’s only after taking them in that I reacted to how
close he was and I pushed him away, slapping his hands off,
“Don’t touch me—“ Koko interrupted me by continuing on
with what he was saying, “After all, you did kill a man. It does
wonders to the soul—by that, I mean it fucks it up for those
who have a conscience. Tell me, do you have one?” I saw him
sit on the couch and point to the free seat next to him. He had
understood the boundary I had set and did not come close, it
was odd, but somewhat nice.
Not joining him, I frowned, “Allegedly. I allegedly killed a
man—” was my response but he chuckled and with disbelief,
exhaled, “You did, you killed the guy.” “I didn’t kill him, your
drug addict friend did!” Groaning in exasperation, I continued,
“Whatever, I won’t kill myself, I just…” I trailed off, hating
how strongly his accusations had hit me. Taking part of it was
as bad as doing it, perhaps they would not have killed him if I
had not shot him in that specific place. Perhaps they’d have
been merciful.
Hearing his voice again, I looked up from the ground where I
had lost myself in thought, “Wanna talk about it?” He had said
with a raised brow. I shook my head, feeling like he was
messing with me. I was right to do so since the man sighed in
relief afterwards, “Thank god, I don’t do that shit. Live with it
and be a big girl.” I did not give him an answer, instead I stood
far away from him and waited for him to leave. After a few
seconds, he hadn’t moved and instead took his phone out and
said in an amused tone, “Also, ‘allegedly’ is a funny word to
use for someone guilty. I’d say this looks like you killed him.”
Raising his phone, he showed me the screen, prompting me to
approach, which I did, to look at the video he was playing. My
mouth opened wide, I felt my cheeks heat up from
embarrassment and humiliation upon seeing something that
put me in such a position. With this in their possession, I could
not leave—ever. They had filmed me. From a distance, I
would say Sanzu was the one who had recorded it and it only
made me hate him more.
“Looks pretty bad, I know. Sucks to be you, I guess that’ll for
sure keep you on track.” Koko shoved his phone back in his
pocket and crossed his legs. From his body language, he was
getting comfortable and did not plan on leaving any time soon,
“So, live your life, I’m staying here a while until I’m sure you
don’t wanna off yourself.” “Can you do your guard dog shit
from another room? Or is ‘intrusive’ one of the core values of
your organization?” My blood ran cold after Koko looked at
me with a deadly expression, a frightening one too. Without
answering, he turned his gaze back to the TV and extended his
arm to press the button on the remote control without
answering me. I raised both my brows at how rude it was and
walked out of the living room with a huff on my way upstairs
to my bedroom. I made sure to grab my bag from the couch,
bumping him in the process. It was immature of me, but he
was not welcome at all. Clearly, I had taken for granted
whatever intimacy living in a house alone granted, visits were
going to be something recurrent, I understood that… but I did
not want to get used to it.
As I changed from my work outfit to something more
comfortable, I thought back on what I needed to buy. Along
the ashtray, I needed a knife. Sure, the gun was a protection
according to them, but something about using it was terrifying.
If I wanted to be sure I had something to defend myself with, I
felt like a knife would be better. Humming to myself, I
grabbed my wallet and phone from my bag and shoved them
in the pocket of my hoodie. “I’ll go get those things now, I
need the fresh air.” There was no way I was staying with him
in this house, it was not relaxing at all. It kept me on edge, it
made me too aware of my habits and made me uncomfortable.
With my keys in hand, I opened the door to my room and
stopped at the top of the stairs when I saw Kokonoi standing at
the end of it, his hands crossed over his chest and his coat on.
“Where are you going?” The TV was still playing in the
background, he had probably rushed to his feet upon hearing
something, but I did not try to be furtive or to sneak around. If
I had to act as such in my own house, then they’d have won.
“Out. I’m not about to jump in front of a car if you’re curious
—“ “You’re not going out.”
“Oh? Is that so?” I asked with fake curiosity as I walked down
the stairs and stood in front of him, seemingly unafraid. What
had made me act like that? Overconfidence was not a trait to
develop in front of a criminal that could kill me, yet here it
was. My hand was now on the doorknob, but Koko was quick
to grab it with force, uncaring of the pain it brought me. “Why
the attitude?” He gritted through his teeth. “Because there’s a
murderous Jean-Paul Gaultier model trying to keep me
hostage in my own house, is that a good justification?” His
face was one of surprise at first, then it lit up as he let go of my
arm and covered his mouth while laughing. “You’re funny!”
He said at first, then his fist slammed into the wall, denting it.
I gasped in surprise at the strength of his hit. His face, like a
book, showed how annoyed he was by my words, “You must
be suicidal too, to disrespect me like that.” He grunted.
Looking at him, I did not move at all and dared, “His models
are charming, I’d say it’s a compliment—“ “You’re a fucking
joke.” He spat as pulled the door wide open, a gust of wind
chilling the entire room in an instant as he told me to get out.
His hand was on my shoulder, trying to force me outside.
Trying to shove his hand off of me, I walked out and said,
“What are you going to do? Follow me around?“ “Yes. You’re
making this a lot more annoying than it is, but the rules are
rules.” He shrugged in annoyance, clearly pissed off at
something more than me. Keeping a certain distance between
us, I threw him a glance and dared to ask, while still on my
guard, “Rules? What rules?” I almost regretted asking from
the glare I received from the man, his face contorted in a
frown.
“I said, Hanma’s the one responsible for you. Can’t beat the
shit out of you for being irritating, instead I have to report to
him then he does whatever.“ “I’m sorry?!” I said in outrage.
Waving me off, he nodded, “You should be, I don’t do that shit
usually. But the others are too hot-blooded, and they’d
probably put a bullet in your head.” Another side-eye, dirty
glare, threatening gaze, this man was angry and did not wish to
be here at all. Once more, I felt the blood drain from my face
at the mention of something so dreadful being said so casually.
Did I want to know how the others were? No, not at all. Had I
drawn the short straw by meeting Hanma first? I had yet to
know, but I felt like the shortest would have been Sanzu. “So,
I’m stuck with you when I could be making money—
babysitting is not a great income, if you ever wondered.” He
said off-handedly, managing to keep pace with me effortlessly.
It was hard to take in the information. If I ‘misbehaved’,
would I be ‘reprimanded’? Is that what was going on? Was it
some sort of test to see how I’d act without him around? That
he was here or not, it did not matter, because I would act the
same way with or without him. “I did not wonder, frankly I do
not care. But if you believe me to be such a hindrance, you can
leave, Koko. As I said, I’m not going—“ “For fuck’s sake,
Hanma did not say you would be so annoying. Here’s the idea,
you act like I’m not here and you live your innocent little life,
sounds doable?” Stopping dead in my tracks once he was done
talking, I turned around and gave him a once over.
“With you looking like that I’d say you’re a walking beacon,
hardly anyone could ignore you.” I commented, finishing my
sentence with a mocking smile. Oh the face I was giving
seemed confident, but inside I regretted saying anything. I was
very aware of where that confidence came from, I felt
untouchable simply because he had told me he could not do
anything to me. There was no need for me to keep my mouth
shut this time, and I was going to make good use of it.
A strained smile made its way on his lips that slowly curled in
sourness. I saw his fists ball up then in the blink of an eye he
had his forehead against mine, his hand pressed on the back of
my head to keep it at his height. My entire body froze as my
eyes widened in surprise, maybe he was not unfamiliar with
breaking rules and maybe he would not mind pushing me on
the road—“You are not untouchable, I am not against bringing
you back bruised if you don’t drop the attitude. It’s not cute,
it’s not funny and I’m not into it, you’re just hitting on my
nerves.” Each word felt like stabs in my skin, not that it hit me
personally, but once more those threats were probably not
empty. And I should fear him, just like I did Hanma.
So why did I continue?
Had I been pushed around too much in these past 24 hours that
I felt the need to prove that I could be tough? That man was a
lot less intimidating than Hanma, it must have been the sanity.
The way he still listened to the one rule he had been given,
someone loyal and responsible… As responsible as a criminal
could be. So, I crossed the line.
“I am not sure Hanma would like the way you’re talking to me
—“ The slap across my face was enough of a response to shut
me up. While I stood on the spot, my hand covering my cheek
in utter disbelief, he shoved his hands in his pockets and
walked off. Over his shoulder, he called out, “Hurry up, you
should get your shit and head home.” With that, he looked at
me with a smirk, a condescending one, “You never know what
could happen in streets as unsafe as these, people spot idiots
from miles away.” This time I was the one to shove my hands
in the pocket of my sweatshirt as I caught up with him. I made
sure to stay one step behind to avoid standing in his way and
pulled out my phone.
Me: Fuck your guard dog, call him back. I don’t need him
And sent.
It was too reactive of me, I’d even say too familiar, to text
Hanma like that. But I had done it and there was no going
back. It caught me off guard when he texted back rapidly.
H.: A lot of anger it’s hot
H.: Did he do something?
H.: He’s not leaving unless he fucked up, so tell me.
I kept my expression as neutral as possible, I could get rid of
him. Quite easily too, but he’d probably send another one of
his people which I did not want. Koko and I… did not get
along, but after that slap I think I understood what I had to do,
which was to keep my mouth shut and not try to befriend a
man. My thumbs hovered over the screen a moment, I made
sure to look up many times as we walked to not bump into
anyone.
Me: Nothing, but I want to be able to relax. Having your
people around is anything but relaxing.
Me: Why aren’t you the one doing his job?
Just as my messages were received, my screen lit up with a big
‘H’ on it. I looked up in panic at Koko, but he did not seem to
care. All he did was glance at me, saying, “Are you going to
pick up?” after it had rung too many times for his liking.
Giving him an apologetic smile, I did just that. I didn’t even
have time to utter one word that Hanma spoke. “Are you
already missing me? We just had the most wonderful time
together, wasn’t it enough? I mean, I’d be more than happy to
bring you with me next time I need to make someone talk—“
“Not at all, I am just bothered by your course of action. I don’t
need whatever you set up, I’m fine.” I interrupted his little
monologue, not needing to hear more of him. He sure loved
hearing himself talk, but I did not. I wanted to end this call.
“But it would be better if I were your guard dog, wouldn’t it?
Did you let him touch you the way I touched you on that
balcony?” A choked sound escaped my throat, making my
face heat up at the sudden memory of last night. Fear flooded
my body along something I could not quite define, it was
confusing.
“You disgust me.” I spat venomously, hoping it was
convincing enough. “Of course you didn’t,” He started in a
sing-song voice, that stupid smile of his could be heard over
the phone and it ticked me off, “I’m the one you trust, not him
—“ I heard someone talk to him, but could not decipher the
words, soon enough he returned to me and hummed sadly,
“Gotta go, doll. I’m a wanted man, you know how it is. Busy
busy busy, but I’ll make time for you. Behave and I’ll pay you
a visit!” “No thank you, goodbye.” With that, I did not wait for
him to hang up to do it myself.
“Why are you smiling like that?” I heard Koko ask. He had
slowed his pace to match mine which brought me on edge
suddenly, but I did not want to keep the bad blood between us.
If I had to stay 24 hours with him, I would rather not fear he’d
beat me up in my sleep or whatever they’d do to people they
did not like. Ignoring his question, I spoke a bit too loudly,
finding it to be the easiest way to find the courage to say it,
“Sorry for the attitude, you’re just all intimidating.“ “Yeah
well, I am not going to leave you dead in a ditch or anything,
so relax. None of us wants to be here, make it at least
somewhat enjoyable for both of us.” He grumbled, nodding
ahead to show we had arrived. Mulling over what I was going
to say next, I gave him a once-over and tried a friendlier
approach. “Even if your outfit is a beacon, it’s good. Glad to
know crime does not ruin one’s fashion sense.”
Looking at me for a short moment, he did not reply right away.
Being around those people felt like walking on eggshells, I had
to weigh my words a lot more than I usually would which was
tiring and scary. His chuckle reached my ears first, then I saw
the light pink dust on his cheeks, “The worst it does is ruin
clothes, blood and all.” He shrugged. Giving him an unsure
smile, I hummed, “Understandable, perhaps you should invest
in a dry cleaner instead of shady firms.” He shook his head
and started a rant that I felt comfortable listening to since it
kept me from spurring shit that would anger him or earn me
insults. The man was keen on making money, unlike Hanma
who sought entertainment. The stock market was hardly my
favourite topic, but Kokonoi found it interesting, so I listened
and learned while he stayed by my side as I bought what I
needed.
With the mood settling into something more comfortable, the
rest of the day went by in a flash. Of course, I was still aware
of my actions and words, just like some would around their
boss or very old grandma. The latter would be out of respect,
while the former would be out of fear of repercussions, which
was what was going on. Nevertheless, everything went a lot
more smoothly than how it began.
When we were done getting what I needed, we went back to
my house. The quiet between us was not as dreadful as I
expected, but it stayed even when we arrived home and he
went back to his spot on the couch, not helping me with
anything. I did not mind, the less time I spent with any of
those criminals the better I felt and with how quiet he was, I
could almost feel I was home alone. Which, for a moment, I
truly believed while I was making some food and out of
nowhere the man appeared behind me, his interest piqued by
what was cooking on the stove. My first reaction was to elbow
him in surprise, unlike Hanma he did not catch me in time and
curled up, a hand on his stomach. He looked up at me with
furrowed brows, “On edge much? You act like you just killed
someone.” His little joke made him laugh, he was fast to
recover from the pain, but I only grimaced at that. “You really
think you’re funny.“ “I am.” He replied with a proud smile.
“Yeah…” Giving him a once over, I added, “You should stick
to finance.” Then returned to cooking. Koko huffed and
walked back to the living room, he was smart enough to
understand I was not in the mood to have him nearby. He
stayed out of my way until I was done and placed a plate on
the counter for him, he almost rushed to the room—not that
he’d admit it. “You know, I used knives to make all of this, cut
ingredients…” I trailed off, waiting for him to piece things
together.
He was already eating and had to swallow before curling a
brow and gesturing at me with his head, “And?”
“And you did a poor job watching over me since I could
clearly have used it to end my days.” His eyes widened as he
put the plate down and swore under his breath, “Fuck!” He ran
his hand through his hair and exhaled loudly, “I fucked up,”
his eyes met mine. I felt bad to see how desperate he was even
if the emotion did not stay long on his face. Suddenly it was
blank, his back straightened and he looked disinterested, it was
probably acting, trying to convince himself. “Actually, if you
did use it then so be it. It’s basically a test to see how strong
you are mentally, and if you cave in that easily then it means
you’re not worth it.” Huffing at his words, I shook my head in
disbelief and walked past him, plate in hand as I made my way
to the dining table without saying anything. It was a strange
way to view things. I did not know if he wanted to achieve the
task he had been assigned or if he wanted to leave and the
sooner it was, the better. But I was not going to do anything, I
felt fine… strangely.
Getting lost in my thoughts as I ate, I tried to understand what
I was feeling. The strongest feeling I had was discomfort
because of the stranger in my house, but if I dug further I was
annoyed at being treated like a child. I argued I was not being
treated like a child, but more like a fragile investment, which
did not really make any more sense. There was not much I
could add to their awful organization—diplomacy did not
seem to be a part of their values, not if murder was an option,
not if they could end it in blood and elation from the thrill they
got from killing. Sighing, I rested my head in my hand, my
elbow on the table as I ate. What was their angle? Money did
not seem like an issue… unless they were greedy. Kokonoi
seemed like someone whose ambition revolved around money,
how surprising would it be for the others to be the same?
From the little time I had known Hanma, it still felt odd for
that to be his motive. Was he trying to prove something?
Something along the lines of if he could do it, he should do it,
perhaps. Groaning, I did not want to think more about it. Why
try to make sense out of their crazy? Why was I trying to find
logic in their actions? Common sense clashes with insanity,
that is something I am aware of. I thought. I was pulled out of
my thoughts when the clatter of a plate and cutlery hit the
table; I looked up and found Koko sitting right in front of me,
two glasses of water on the table. “I’ll be gone in the morning,
you don’t have to mourn your lost time like that. You look like
you’re gonna cry.” “Needless to say, you’re not allowed
upstairs. Unless you need to shower, I’m not comfortable with
you, but I’m also not a monster to deny you basic hygiene.” I
scoffed, moving my arm from the table to straighten my back,
suddenly aware of my stance.
“Not yet.” He simply said, shoving food in his mouth.
Quirking a brow in confusion, I asked, “Not yet?” “With time
you’ll tarnish, is what I’m saying. I’m pretty sure Hanma’s
goal is to turn you into something insane, it sounds like
something he’d do.” It always surprised me how those people
could say the oddest things with the straightest face, not
bothered by what they uttered. Putting my fork down, I dared
ask more, “I still don’t know what organization this is, but I
can tell you I don’t plan to become like you. Whatever your
angle is, I am not a murderer.” Koko hummed and swallowed
his food before chugging his water down and leaning back on
his chair, hands behind his head.
“You’re playing stupid on purpose or are you really that
dumb?”
“I’m sorry?” I choked out, it was uncalled for, but not
surprising.
Chuckling, he leaned back on the table, resting both his
elbows on it and resting his chin on the back of his clasped
hands. The atmosphere became heavier, I felt my throat
tighten. “How many criminal organizations do you know?
Come on, they don’t talk about many, do they? Rummage
through that little brain of yours.” “I did not ask for the
condescending attitude—“ Shrugging, he interrupted me and
smiled lazily, “Bonten.” The penny dropped instantly, and I
could truly justify the discomfort I felt around all these men I
had met, while their mental instability was also a good reason
now that I knew they were more than dangerous. “And if
you’re curious about the angle, I could tell you.” He paused,
his lips curled into a smirk this time as he tucked his hair
behind his ear and leaned back, yawning loudly. “But it’s been
a long day, so I won’t.”
I smiled in disbelief at his little tease and huffed as I stood up,
grabbing both our empty plates with frustration. “It doesn’t
matter, Bonten or not I will not end up like all of you.” I heard
the chair creak on the parquet when he pushed it back, his
footsteps muffled when he crossed the rug and followed me to
the kitchen. “Of course you won’t, we’re executives. You’ll
have to work hard to reach that, but I wouldn’t put it past you.
I’m sure with a little determination you can get there.“ I
dropped the plates in the sink and stood right in front of him,
frowning, “I don’t want to.” “Kitty’s got claws, I see.” He
commented right away, his eyes meeting mine with that
arrogance I had already encountered. It reminded me of how
Hanma looked at me most of the time, I could almost call it
familiar which sounded wrong.
Rolling my eyes at Koko’s comment, I walked past him with a
huff, “Well, kitty’s gonna sleep and wishes to tell the dirty
guard dog he’s not allowed in her room.” His laugh was the
only response I got from him, he did not bother to tell me of
his evening plans and frankly I couldn’t care less if the man
stayed awake. I knew for a fact I would not be able to get any
sleep with him in my house, who knew what he’d do that
night. Invite people over out of boredom? Leave? Lurk around
my house? Maybe even put some cameras? To avoid anything
weird, I locked my bedroom door and went to sit on the seat in
the corner of my room.
Needless to say, I did not get a wink of sleep that night. I was
all too aware of who was in my house, of the organization he
belonged to and of who else I had met in that said
organization. Koko had mentioned they were executives,
‘they’ meaning Hanma was part of them; he also said they had
done many things to reach that title, which only made one
wonder what they did. To avoid falling asleep, I would walk
about the room a bit before sitting back down.
I started thinking of the most atrocious crimes they could have
committed during their time in that organization, how long it
must have taken them to get to this level of renown… to
become this infamous and powerful. Everything must have
started underground, and while not many people knew how to
catch them, they were a lot more known everywhere, not just
among the shady people in society. Hush money was useful to
keep them on the downlow and a question I had wondered
once already crossed my mind anew: how much had they
managed to hide? They were infamously known for so many
crimes, but we only saw what they wanted us, the public, to
see. A shiver ran down my spine at the mere thoughts of the
number of bodies they must have gotten rid of.
Just like that, my brain was on and unstoppable. Questions
after questions, thoughts after thoughts, I could not sleep at all
with how curious I was. Exhaustion was present, my eyes
slowly closing for longer than a usual blink, before opening
again and staring at the ceiling; it was a true misery, but I did
not want to let myself fall asleep with that man in my house
and the reasoning in my head was not stopping. Tomorrow
was my day off, but I already barely slept last night; I was
running on only a few hours of sleep and pure anxiety, an
awful ordeal.
Said ordeal came to a stop late at night, or early in the morning
for some. It was probably 4:40 AM when my phone rang. I
first felt the vibration next to me and brought the screen up to
my face, blinding myself in the process. My heart skipped a
beat when I saw the letter H on my screen. Should I fear a call
at this hour? Should I really pick up? If I did not pick up, he
would ask his dog to come and check if was really sleeping—
he’d probably get mad that I locked myself—picking up was
the safer bet.
I made sure to clear my throat before pressing the green button
and faking sleepiness, “Why are you waking me up at this
hour?” I mumbled close to the phone. “Starting off with a lie?
That’s not a great look on you, doll.” Hanma said playfully, his
earring hitting the phone a few times as he walked with the
device close to his ear. It was annoying, but I could still hear
him. “What lie?” “Koko’s been keeping me updated on you,
after all he is looking out for you while I’m away.” He paused
and I heard the sound of his car being unlocked, then some
muffled sound of someone trying to speak—it was followed
by a pained groan then something being slammed shut,
probably a trunk. “Said you’re not sleeping. I can’t really
count on you if you’re being stubborn like that.” “How would
he know I’m not sleeping? He’s in the living room, probably
watching whatever’s on TV at this time.”
“You could have faked it well if it wasn’t for your constant
walking around the room, he said it’s fucking annoying and if
it wasn’t for my little rule, he would have knocked you out
cold.” I could not help the dry scoff that left my lips upon
hearing him say that; I held back from telling him he had
slapped me and that his rule did not stop him back then,
instead I whispered in disbelief, “I don’t know the guy, I’m not
about to let my guard down with him in my house. It’s not
stubbornness, it’s caution.” He laughed on the other end of the
phone, which prompted me to add, “While you’re both
bastards and criminals, at least you—“ I stopped myself, biting
my tongue. He’s what? He made me shoot someone, but was
playful about it. He beat me up, but cooed me by saying I was
useful. He manipulated me to keep my mouth shut then
touched me inappropriately. And yet, out of all of them, he is
the one I trust most? Why?
Koko hadn’t flirted. The worst he had done was slap me, while
Hanma shoved me to the ground and made me do unthinkable
things. So why did I feel safer with that man? Was it because
he could and would go to extreme lengths to do whatever he
wanted? And maybe I wanted to be that thing. At least I would
be sure I’d be safe, after all he did ask his man not to be
violent. Or was it not to kill me? I did not know anything or
anyone in that world of bloodshed and crime, I needed a safety
net, I needed to cling onto something, anything. Why did my
subconscious decide that the man that forced me into that
world was the good thing to cling onto, to consider the safe
space? “I’m what? You got my attention now.” He said
mockingly, his tone pissing me off once again.
“Nothing, you’re both bastards—“ “No, you were talking
about me. Don’t get angry at me already, I don’t have time for
that, I’m driving.” His tone was not angry, it was closer to
frustration and contempt. I let out a huffed laugh and moved to
my bed, shaking my head as I said. “I don’t see the correlation,
I’ll let you drive—”
His words made my throat tighten as he said, “Can’t jerk off to
your pretty, angry voice when I’m driving, so you’ll have to
tone down the attitude and finish your sentence.” I had to take
a moment to make sure I understood what he had said, none of
us talking for a few seconds. This man had the nerves and
audacity, he was vulgar and yet was not bothered by it at all.
“That’s enough for tonight, goodbye.” With that, I hung up
and slid under my covers, suddenly feeling the tiredness I had
been pushing away all this time. For some reason I felt more at
ease than I was moments ago and thought I should perhaps get
some sleep. As I closed my eyes, my phone rang again—my
heartbeat peaked then dropped again when I saw it was Hanma
once more. Rolling my eyes, I picked up and sighed loud
enough for him to hear.
He did not give me time to utter a word before he spoke with a
smile, which I was almost sure was one of annoyance. “For
the record, I am the one who says when it’s enough. Just for
that little act of yours, I’ll give you the details of what I’ll
imagine when I jerk off.“ I could hear it in his voice that the
annoyance had quickly passed, and he was now being an
asshole; of course, he was living for it. In the background I
could hear something thumping and having seen his car, it was
not a mechanical issue from the engine or anything…
Groaning, I let my head hit the pillow, “Please don’t, just don’t
—“ “What, you don’t wanna hear how I can imagine my hands
spreading your legs wide on the kitchen counter? The gasp
you’d let out last night was enough to lead me on, I wonder
what you’d have done if I had moved them higher.” The click
of a lighter allowed a pause in his speech, he then chuckled as
he puffed out. “I like to imagine your face twisted in anger,
fuck does it turn me on when you look at me like that.” He
pondered out loud.
That man was an asshole, he was sick in the head, a murderer,
and a criminal—and yet… It was somewhat thrilling to hear
him describe his filthy thoughts. My hand gripped my thigh
lazily as I listened, but I sighed loud enough on the phone to
have him think I was bored, “But then again, having you
naked on the balcony for everyone to see and fucking you right
there, shit it gets me so hard.” I closed my eyes and gritted
through my teeth, “Why would I want you to fuck me?” I
made myself sick when a flash of his hands on my breasts
crossed my mind and it made me feel something, his teeth
grazing my neck—What the fuck? “You’re fucked up,“ I
continued, perhaps I was also talking to myself when speaking
those words. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do right now,
but it’s working—not working, it’s not working!” I sat up,
hearing his deep laugh that turned louder by the second,
making my cheeks burn up. “You should focus on the person
in your trunk before thinking of jerking off or whatever is
going on in your mind, but I don’t want to be part of this.”
“You sure? All you have to do is ask and I’ll swing by and fuck
you.“ “Of course, I’d like a manic stranger to fuck me,” I said
sarcastically, rolling my eyes as I said so. He could not see that
action, but my tone was enough to share the sentiment, “You
really are stupid, aren’t you? All I want from you is to let me
go to sleep and not call me again. I’d say you have some
audacity thinking I would let you touch me—” I interrupted
myself when I heard him breathe close to the phone; if I paid
closer attention, his breathing was uneven and I could not hear
the car running anymore. When I put two and two together, I
pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it a moment
before smiling in disbelief and bringing it back to listen. With
a deep breath, I exhaled, “Are you fucking kidding me?” He
only hummed inquisitively in response, but there was that
playfulness of his that had never left, almost making his hum
melodious when he did it. “You don’t have an ounce of
decency to your name, I can’t believe you’re really—“
“Jerking off?” He uttered in a strained voice, “I told you it
turned me on, and you still haven’t left, that means you like it,
fuck.”
When he swore under his breath, the throbbing between my
legs could not be ignored—I could only cross them in the hope
to calm that unwanted feeling this man had brought. I hated
hearing him talk, but hearing him groan like that in pleasure
was another story and it made me feel foul to listen to him and
get off from it, all while being conscious of the actions he had
committed. His breathing reached my ears again and I had yet
to hang up, why was I not hanging up? Why was I closing my
eyes and enjoying his vulgar display, his obscene sounds and
why was I sliding my hand between my legs? Before I could
do anything, a strained grunt escaped his lips that was
followed by a short scoff. “Disappointed you didn’t
participate, but you’re still here… listening.” He moved the
phone and whispered mockingly, close to the phone, “Like the
rat that you are, you’re eavesdropping again—or maybe
you’re getting off too?”
I could play it off as if I had fallen asleep, but what would it
say about me to fall asleep to his moans? It’d make him too
happy, too proud, which would only make his arrogance grow.
I’d rather tick him off, “I’m sorry? Are you done? I had put the
phone down, there is only so long I can listen to you.” The dry
scoff that escaped his lips was proof enough it had worked, I
riled him up with such simple words. He started the car engine
and spoke up, “The cameras in your room are saying
otherwise—“ “Cameras?!” I stood up a bit too rapidly, phone
in hand as I turned on the lights and started to look around
frantically to see where they could be. Only a few moments
after did I hear Hanma laugh loudly. “Am I not allowed
privacy? What gives you the right to do that? The safety of my
own room is for me only, you really are a piece of shit.”
“Mmh, if you ask me, it sounds like someone’s embarrassed
because they got caught.” I cut him off with an angry laugh,
but maybe I should have taken a moment to think before
reacting too quickly, “Oh it’s not going to happen again, I’ll
find them and—“ “You won’t find them, since there’s no
cameras.” He said offhandedly, making me stop everything
and let my arm fall to my side as I took a few seconds to really
take in his words. No cameras? Why did he say he had stashed
some? What had I said that could have made him satisfied
enough to let me know he was fucking around? “I just wanted
to hear you say you touched yourself, which you just admitted
by telling me it won’t happen again, meaning it happened once
at least.” He sighed happily, content then I heard his car door
open. “This was really fun, we should do it again sometimes.”
There was a loud thud when Hanma grunted upon probably
straining himself, then some far away pleas that stopped
quickly. “Be ready for any call at any given time, I’ll be busy
for a few days. Glad we could have this moment together.” I
should have been relieved to not hear from him, that he was
going to be away, that I was going to find my routine again for
even just a few days. I should be.
So why did I ask, “How long?” ‘Why’ was another question I
wanted to ask, but I instantly regretted asking him the length
of his absence. The curious hum that left his mouth was
enough to make me want to dig myself a hole to crawl in.
“How cute, you’re gonna miss me? I’ll keep you updated so
you don’t stay awake at night, thinking of me… or you could
do just that, finish what you started tonight, think of my hands
trailing up your legs—” “Don’t, I’ll be just fine without you
nearby. I have had enough of you and those hands of yours
that can’t keep to themselves.” That made him laugh.
Something brushed over the microphone many times making
an awful sound, Hanma was on the move and from the sounds
it seemed like he was dragging something, but I ignored it. I
did not want to know who it was nor where he was, I felt safe
blanketed by ignorance. “Focusing on my hands much? You
can’t really blame me, come on! Your body’s basically
screaming to be touched.“ “It is not, it is screaming for sleep
because of what you did last night.”
Another muffled sound I could not decipher, then his voice
was a lot closer to the phone as his tone dropped in something
I could call sultry, but the man was a joke, he could never be
serious, so I could not think of it as such. “Sounds hot said like
that, can’t wait to hear you say it with just a little bit more
affection and less attitude, but we’re just getting started, I’ll
give you time.” He then spoke away from the phone, telling
someone to shut up. This time there was no ignoring anything,
the phone dropped on the ground and I could hear the someone
in question plead for Hanma to let him go. His speech was
hindered by whatever he had stuck in his mouth, then it was
removed, and the pleas were a lot clearer. Hanma only laughed
at that then hit him, I could guess so from the thud sound then
the crack that was followed by a pained scream. “I don’t like
men who beg,” He spat seriously, I shivered at how easy it was
for him to switch personalities and he only proved it again
when he grabbed the phone and spoke to me this time, playful,
“But you can beg, right?”
Scoffing in response, I smiled to myself and replied, “I’m this
close to begging you to hang up if you keep talking, that’s for
sure.” It did not go unnoticed by either of us that I had
matched his playfulness, that instead of being scared of him or
annoyed, I had played along. It surprised me more than
anything, but he loved it, even if his reply was simply,
“Sounds promising, I do have some shit to finish up here too.
Keep your mouth shut about the chairman and don’t die,
yeah?” “Goodbye.” With that, I hung up and was reminded of
something I had pushed in the back of my mind for the short
time this call had lasted. It was strange how Hanma was the
reason all those things happened in so little time, and yet he
had also been the one to make me forget about what I had
done earlier today.
When the silence had set and I was alone again with my
thoughts, I quickly spiralled into darkness. All I had been
trying to bottle up, the fear, the regret, the confusion, and the
adrenaline, it all hit at once and I was left sobbing, trying to
muffle the best I could the sounds escaping my lips. How
many times was I going to be hit by the realization of what I
had committed? How many more times was it going to take
for me to understand I could not go back and I would have to
comply with their stupid orders? Being who I was was not
going to be productive in the long run, if I kept this vision of
the world I would crumble and the guilt will take over
whatever strength I have. Should I trade my sanity for
survival? Should I simply find some enjoyment in whatever
task I am given? I had barely done anything and I was already
drained from how out of my comfort zone those actions were.
Laying on my side, my tears ran down my cheeks and onto the
pillow, soaking it the more I thought about all that I had
happened in the past 24 hours. They have a goal, that’s what
drives them… May it be entertainment, thrills, money… I need
one too, to be able to get through this.
That was my last coherent thought before sleep took over me
and I passed out from exhaustion. But even sleep was a prison
in times like these, guilt was the shackles that forbade me from
escaping what I had done. So, in the depth of the night, tucked
comfortably by the silence and privacy, I dreamt of what I had
done in that office. Of the blood pooling around the chair, the
two men laughing next to me and the strong echo of the
gunshot, even if a silencer had been used. The weight of the
gun was familiar, I had carried it once and I was going to carry
it many more times. As I looked at it, it seemed to be sneering
at me and I knew we would have to become friends somehow,
that it was the beginning of something great.
And while great sounded positive, it was often used to
describe terrible, life-changing things.
From where I stood, my future looked great.
Chapter End Notes

Once more, beta-ed by my dear friend, can’t thank her

enough.
THOUGHTS? I like to give you some unhinged Hanma,
it’s what I live for really. He is so funny to write, I can let
out my best jokes. Slowly turning this story into
something a bit more… dark, but entertaining, so, let’s
goooo. I am really curious of how you’re liking the story
so far, I thoroughly enjoy writing it but your opinion
matters greatly! Anyone you’d like to see? Thoughts on
Koko (I was so stressed writing him, Hanma makes more
sense to me than Koko that says a lot uh)
Join me on horny Twitter @PhysicalTurian and don’t be
afraid to send me shit, I live for it
Words : 8474
Added on 24th October 2021
 Chapter 5
Chapter Notes

It’s like a reward… I gave you a treat…

See the end of the chapter for more notes

When I woke up the following morning, Koko was nowhere to

be seen. Not a trace of him anywhere around, I made sure of
that by checking every room and corners in my house. It felt
lonely for a moment, to not have anyone around the place, but
I wanted to get back to being used to it. I had been living like
that long enough to not shed a tear simply because criminals
had left my house, how odd of a thought to have.
Even as I thought it stupid to feel like something was missing
from their absence, I could not find the strength to act as if
nothing had happened, nor was I allowed to do so. The
adrenaline I had felt during those two days was addictive and
without it, everything seemed dull now. For the few days
during which Hanma said he would be gone, I barely heard of
him. My routine had returned and no one at work found it
strange that Eisuke was gone; as I asked around, they told me
he had gone on holiday with a woman he had recently met. A
knot formed in my stomach at the mention of that woman
because I knew who it was, I had been the one forced to play
the role of the love-struck woman that adored her little CEO. It
made me sick.
On Tuesday while I was at work, I received a message from
Hanma that made me lock my screen right away. For some
reason, I thought it would be smart to check the message while
my Junior was watching over my shoulder to see how I did
things. With the skin exposed on the photo, it did not take a
genius to guess what the context was, so I closed it and set my
phone facing down on the desk. “What is it?” she asked
curiously, her hands planted on the desk as she leaned over to
check the screen I was working on. With a rehearsed confident
chuckle, I shook my head, “Just a friend.”
Her reply caught me off guard when she exclaimed, “You have
friends?!” She quickly realized it was rude. I did not take any
offense in her words—it even made me smile at how genuine
her shock was—but it did put in perspective how little of my
life revolved around socializing. “I mean, that’s not what I
meant but like, I’m sorry, I never see you when we go out
drinking with the firm on Fridays, so I assumed you did not
like doing that kind of stuff and—“ “Alright, alright. You are
forgiven, I do have some friends albeit a scarce amount.” Once
more, I lied to the girl. Sure, I had a few people I hung out
with, but we were all very busy with work. While I could
count on them no matter the issue I encountered, I no longer
felt safe spending time with them if it gave Bonten leverage on
me to know I had people I cared about.
“Although, this one is more of a… how should I put it…”
Colleague? How would one call someone who threatened
them into joining their awful criminal organization, to then
flirt with you in the worst way—was it even flirting or was he
just vulgar? Sighing, I covered my face in frustration trying to
find the right words. “Are you flustered? Is it someone you’re
interested in?” I heard Rai ask in excitement. I was quick to
uncover my face and shake my head, “No, absolutely not. No
such things, it’s someone very annoying and bad—“ “But you
have their number… how bad can they be?” Her hand slid to
my phone and tried to unlock it, in vain. It made her sigh in
disappointment as she handed it back to me, pouting slightly.
She was getting comfortable around me, which was
reassuring. I liked that she was not being as fearful as in the
first weeks she had started working alongside me.
Seeing how dejected she was, I sighed too and smiled softly. “I
sometimes work a business on the side, to help… this friend
out, and he finds it fun to send me…” inappropriate photos?
To jerk off on the phone with me? To traumatize me and force
me to use a gun against my will? Nothing was right with any
of those things, yet here I was, feeling relieved to see a
message from the bastard. “He has a lot of free time, let’s say.
And he likes to show off where he goes, I suppose.” Rai’s face
lit up and she rested her elbows on the desk, her face cradled
in her hands, “Does he travel a lot? Does he have money? Do
you see him a lot? Is he cute?” Without thinking much, I
answered rapidly, “Yes, quite. Yes. Unfortunately, yes. Yes.”
It was true that he travelled, he had to be able to meet up with
important people. And sometimes take care of some of the
things that would follow after their encounters. And with how
easy it was for them to bribe or threaten, money probably
wasn’t an issue. As Hanma had said, hush-money was the
currency of the underworld, the world they ruled. “Can I see
him? I never thought you the type to have a crush!” She
exclaimed, snatching me out of my daydream. In confusion, I
quirked a brow and she laughed a bit too loudly in reaction,
making people shush her at the outburst. “You said he was
cute, do you have a picture?” “Absolutely not, he is a real
asshole. I do not have pictures and I believe we should return
to work.”
With that, I gripped the edge of my desk and pulled myself
closer to it, rolling my chair so that I was fully facing the
screen. The girl grinned and hesitantly nudged my shoulder, “I
think it’s good for you to have a crush, boss.” This man was
just an animal, too wild and too primal, clearly acting purely
on instinct instead of rational thoughts and there was nothing
good that could come out of this. All of that was enough to
make me ignore how attractive he was. “Go back to work,
Junior.” I said with a wink, to make sure she did not feel too
uncomfortable after being so familiar with me.
Half-heartedly, I unlocked my phone to check the message he
had sent me and took hold of myself rapidly when I
understood what it was. I had no idea where the man was nor
what was his business, but he had found the time to send me a
picture of himself with someone on his lap. The woman was
clad in only fancy underwear and it seemed to be a public
place, probably a strip club. His punishment-tattooed hand was
groping her ass cheek and he was smiling lazily at the camera.
I could not believe the effort he had put in this just to send it to
me, what did he think he was doing? That bastard even asked
someone to take the picture for him, he really thinks he’s the
shit uh… I thought with a dry scoff.
Yet, my eyes did not leave the photo. His arrogant attitude
made the situation a lot more erotic than it was, it was
unnecessary of him to look straight at the camera as if he was
looking at me. The tie around his neck was undone slightly
and his free hand was holding a cigarette to his lips, his legs
spread for the woman to sit balanced on his thigh. It was hot,
but once again I was confused as to why he had sent me this.
Reading the message accompanying the picture, I chuckled.
H.: This could be us
H.: I’m sure you’d love to have my hands on your ass
Rolling my eyes, I texted back rapidly.
Me: You sure know how to make a woman feel special, send
me more pictures of you with other women that sure does the
trick
Me: At least you are alive. Good for you.
With a huff, I put my phone down. For some reason something
was going on inside my chest, I was probably angry at the
unwanted picture he had sent. If I wanted to see some ass, I
could have gone to a strip club myself, but he had chosen to
share that little part of his trip with me, to try to rile me up for
whatever reason. Forcing myself to focus on my work, I found
myself once more lost in thought, undergoing my tasks
automatically. The mood at the firm had changed, but no one
around seemed to be aware of it, they all bathed in ignorance,
joking and talking as usual, unaware that Eisuke was not
coming back. It was not unusual for him to go on a sudden
trip, but I knew better.
Each time my mind would drift to Eisuke, I would make sure
to drown those thoughts by working even more.
As I did exactly that, time went by in a flash. Around lunch
break that day, when I checked my phone, Hanma had replied
with something that made me laugh again. I let myself enjoy
the moment, because reminding myself they were bad people
did not help coping. I could give him some credit and admit he
had a funny bone to him, sometimes, amidst the insanity.
H.: Your turn now
H.: Give me something to work with here
H.: After all I haven’t seen you in days
H.: It’d be a shame to forget that angry frown that I could
twist in one of pleasure if only you’d let me
“Ah!” I said out loud, scoffing again with a stupid smile on my
lips as I walked to the bathroom, hand wrapped tightly around
the phone. My heels clicked on the ground at a fast pace, I
looked determined but not for the reason some might think.
Once I entered the stall, I closed the lid and sat on the toilet
before pressing the camera app and aiming it at me.
With a crisped smile, I brought my hand in front of the camera
and flipped him off before sending it to him.
H.: Good angle, now just take the top off and I’m sure I could
work with it
How insufferable could he be? I did not want him to work
with anything, I wanted to ruin the silly little mindset he was
in, trying to get off probably. This time I aimed the camera
lower, so that the angle was not as great, and he could hardly
get anything from it.
Me: Keep your hands on the stripper and not on your cock
“H.” replied to your photo: so that’s what you’d look like if
you were riding my dick, uh? That’s good
Closing my eyes, I took a moment to calm down. He could
truly turn anything to his advantage, no matter what I say, he
would find a way to get off from it. Truly a sick man. I typed
back.
Me: Feel free to not come back, I find myself more than
content now that I am back to my routine without you. You
can also keep those pictures of your hand on asses to yourself.
H.: Shouldn’t have said that, doll.
Me: Ok, have a good day, I stand by what I said.
Hating myself for laughing at his jokes was tiring. So when I
received a new message from him two days later, I chuckled.
This time, his hand was not on some random skin—instead, it
was tightly wrapped around the neck of a grown man. I would
never admit it, but there was something appealing about this
display of strength. I knew the man was crazy and I could not
justify his actions, nor did I know what he was doing or had
been doing for the past few days, but I found myself smiling at
the picture he had sent. The man was illogical, I did not know
what he was up to, what he was searching for, what he was
trying to get from me by sending me these kinds of pictures,
but I was fully aware that by responding to his text I was
playing along. So, I replied.
Me: I suppose you’re going to tell me that I wish for you to
wrap your hands around my neck?
H.: Glad you admit it
This odd feeling in my chest was back and I felt a thrill
thinking this was a man he had beaten up and was holding just
like that. Wait—reprimanding myself internally, I put the
phone down with a nervous chuckle.
“Can’t believe I find it appealing, I must be going mental.” I
mumbled to myself with a smile of disbelief. Knowing the
man, he had followed what I said, which was to keep the
picture of his hand on an ass to himself. This time it was
around a neck. I did not reply to his message, but I did save
the picture—as I did it, I felt shameful, but he was never going
to find out I found appeal in it. My phone was mine, locked
and kept away from him, and never in my life would I tell him
he looked good.
My lack of response did not deter him, even if I thought it did.
It took him two more days to send another text and to say I
was relieved to see a new message from him would be… fair.
It would also need the complementary information that was: I
was checking my phone too many times for my liking
throughout those two days. Enough times to make it wrong,
obsessional.
It was late at night this time. I had just got out of the shower,
wrapped warmly in my bathrobe and the picture I had received
was not as well-lit as usual. Pressing my fingers on the screen,
I zoomed in and opened my mouth in shock at the picture.
Someone was unconscious on the ground, blood splattered
everywhere as two other people stood nearby. I couldn’t see
their faces, but I assumed one of them was Sanzu from the
lighter-colored suit and hair. The narrow street was a cul-de-
sac and the camera was more angled towards the wall, rather
than the person on the ground, making that the background
more than the subject of the picture. Hanma’s shadow was cast
on the ground, but he was not in the picture. Curious of what
was the purpose of the picture, I looked at the message that
followed and snorted, immediately thinking it was bad to
laugh at that.
H.: I could fuck you so good against that wall
Me: Are we not going to mention the person on the ground?
Me: Has the thought crossed your mind before, or after
beating a guy up?
Without a surprise, my phone lit up with his name appearing
on the screen. It had been a while since I had heard him and
when he spoke up, my entire body tensed. While my memory
of his voice was fading, the reaction I had to it was not
disappearing, fear engulfed my form.
“Fighting gets me rock hard, doll. And your ass has been on
my mind all week, you can’t blame me for thinking of fucking
you every time I’m done taking care of someone.” When I
laughed softly at his words, it stopped him from adding
anything. Almost as if he had been caught off guard. I took the
opportunity and said, “You’re obsessed, should I fear you
coming into my room at night?” The distance separating us
made it easier to joke, to relax. His presence was scary, but his
carefree use of violence was the most frightening; knowing he
was away gave me some confidence. “Aren’t you playful
tonight?” His voice mocking, just like I was used to hearing it.
He continued in a more serious tone, “Just because I’m not
there doesn’t mean you can relax, I’ll be sending you on an
errand tomorrow.” “I am not free during the day, I have work
to attend—“ I was interrupted by his hand slamming on
something, a wall, a desk, or maybe a car, I was too startled to
care.
“When I say I need you, you free your schedule. It’s not that
hard to understand, doll.” The last sentence was cooed
condescendingly. I had never heard him like that, sure I had
hardly spent any time with the man, but anger was not an
emotion that I had seen on him. He was upbeat, hectic and in
control, whatever was weighing his mind turned him into
something I could not manage. If when in control he was
already scary, what could he do out of control? “Yes sir. I
suggest you let out some steam, because I did nothing to earn
that anger of yours. I’ll do whatever you tell me to, it’s not like
I had a choice.” I scoffed the last part, earning myself a huff
from the man on the other end of the phone.
My hands were sweaty, I did not feel comfortable and I
blamed it on the tension between us, a tension that arrived out
of nowhere without any warning. “Don’t fuck up the errand,
it’s that simple.” “I shot a man for you, or whatever. You can’t
think of me as not trustworthy, what else do I have to do to
prove that? Uh?” His attitude changed drastically when he
replied, back to his normal self and almost apologetic. I didn’t
believe he would ever apologize for anything, all he did was
act on his own accord, for his own silly entertainment. “I know
you can do well with the right incentive—but I’m the
incentive. And I won’t be there tomorrow. We’ll be relying on
how fucked up I made you this far to see how good you’ll do.”
There was a short pause, it was odd to not have a conversation
he had overly turned sexual for once. It was almost normal, he
added to that feeling of normalcy when he said, “Trust me, I
know you can do it. The other guys though, they need more
proof. Call it an initiation, our leader has some trust issues.”
“I’m not fucked up, but that doesn’t mean I’ll fail.”
Hesitant, I asked, “Still… what will happen if I do fail?”
His answer, like a sharp knife, cut the veil of safety I believe I
had by being under his protection. How stupid I was to have
believed that if anyone could simply kill me without caring I
was Hanma’s protégé, “They’d probably put a bullet in your
head, because you’d be a liability.” He must have heard my
mute gasp. The pressure added on my shoulders, one that
made me scared to misstep, to even make one mistake—what
if I stammered, what if I tripped, what if I had to kill someone?
I did not want to get a bullet in the head, I did not want to die,
because I needed to prove I was not a bad choice. If I was
going to be a part of that stupid organization, I was going to
show I can be useful, no matter the reasoning Hanma had upon
choosing me. “Which I won’t be. How hard can it be? I can do
it, yeah sure. We wouldn’t want you to have a bad reputation
because you brought in someone useless to that little gang of
yours.” I said in a half-confident, half-humoristic manner. If I
said it out loud, I was bound to believe I was going to make it,
right?
“Atta girl, you should get a reward for being good like that—“
“Gross, I’m hanging up. You should learn to read the mood,
because this? It’s not it.” He groaned, the chair on which he
was sitting creaked loudly as he probably leaned back. “Let me
set the mood and it’ll be just good, you’re in your bed, right?”
Rolling my eyes, I sighed loudly and did not reply. But I did
not hang up either. I was aware of the message it sent… And
yet, I did not move from my spot and waited for him to say
something more. All I heard was a soft chuckle then a metallic
sound. Why was my heart beating like that? It felt wrong to
stay on call knowing where he was leading this conversation,
fuck did it feel wrong, but thrilling. “What time is it, doll?”
“Half past midnight.” Shit, my voice was weak, why was I
whispering if there was no one in my house? I swore under my
breath and laid down in bed, it felt like a déjà-vu and like that
time, there was this throbbing between my legs. “Perfect, can
my birthday gift be a pic of my girl?” “Shouldn’t you find
someone else to help you get that relief?” I tried to not let it
show through my tone that I was annoyed he had said that;
after all, he could just as well go to a brothel and see other
women. He had done so a few days ago, so why not now?
Why would I play along with his little sexual needs and give
him pictures of myself if he could go pay for it? “Nah, I want
you to take that bathrobe off like that time on the balcony. But
this time, willingly.”
I could not hold back the unconvinced laugh that escaped my
lips upon hearing those words. The man must have had a few
drinks to dare ask for such things—who was I kidding, of
course not. He simply had the audacity to not care less if he
did not get it. And if he did get a picture, it would only prove
his hold on me was tightening, something I slowly came to
believe was true when I still considered doing it. My fingers
danced over the knot on my stomach, “I don’t know what
makes you think I’ll do that, when all you ever did to me was
trample on my boundaries.“ “Did I, now? Maybe I broke a
door, but I never forced you to do anything, not really.
Coerced? Maybe, but how thrilling is it? I’m helping you out
of your boring life, aren’t I?” A sound of surprise got stuck in
my throat, so I did not reply. I would’ve liked to tell him I
enjoyed my boring life, but over this past week, I had realized
how much fun it lacked and that he was the reason for the few
days it was interesting.
“So, help me break my own boredom, show me that pretty body
of yours.” “How about checking on that woman?” Of course,
he had to play dumb and I could hear his smile when he asked,
“What woman?” With a clenched jaw, I mumbled, “The one
from the photo you sent.“ “Oh! That’s what’s going on, you’re
jealous, shit that’s funny.” Was I jealous? Fuck, was I getting
jealous over nothing? I was not allowed to feel like that, I
barely knew the man, but part of me felt special when he chose
me out of anyone to join his organization. How stupid was
that? With a sardonic laugh, I said, “Jealous of what? Because
—“ “You weren’t the one who had my hand on your ass,
because you wanna be the one grinding on my dick.” He said
mockingly, yet in a flirtatious way. As flirtatious as it could be
when said in such a vulgar manner, but while I hated it when
he said shit like that, I could not ignore the effect it had on me.
Why did it make me feel turned on?
“I wish—you, you wish you had your hands all over me.” Of
course, I had to fuck up like that, he would not let me see the
end of this, but I could still save it, “Maybe that’s why you
wanted me to join your ranks? But I fucking dare you to put
your hands on me next time, you’ll see what happens.” I could
hear him breathe against the microphone, he was doing it
again. I forgot he got off on my anger, my frustration, it riled
him up in the best ways. “Yeah? What will you do?” He
breathed out, he was having fun. I could hear the lazy smile on
his lips as he continued, “Because if I see you, it’s just a matter
of time before you’re moaning my name. That stupid
confidence you have? I’ll fuck it out of you, you’ll be begging
for me to let you cum, your legs open wide like your mouth,
both aching to be filled with my cock.” He swore under his
breath then I heard him groan in pleasure, the sound made me
ache, making me undo the knot of my bathrobe and bring my
hand to my sex.
The phone was on the pillow right next to my ear, I could hear
the wet noises of his hand around his cock making me feel like
a voyeur, but I liked it. Repeating his words in my head, I
surprised myself by how much I loved the idea of him having
me beg in pleasure. Using my fingers exactly how I liked it, I
was rubbing myself; it was made easier by how wet I had
become because of him. It’s wrong, I thought as I arched my
back when I grazed my aching clit, he’s crazy, I reminded
myself, but it only made my heart race faster. “Or maybe I
won’t need to do that—“ I caught myself off guard by whining
when he said that and covered my mouth in the hopes he had
not heard me. My cheeks were aflame upon hearing his laugh,
“Oh, yeah you’ll just kneel when I tell you to, you’re already
so obedient…” He trailed off in a sultry tone, “After all, you
shot a man just for me. Shit, what I’d give to fuck you against
that railing, your hands gripping that shit like your life
depended on it.”
I could feel his hands on my hips, something he had done so
many times already—except this time, I wanted it and he
wasn’t here to do it. Those hands that were tainted by the sins
he had committed, I wanted to taint them myself. I wanted
them all over my body, trailing over my skin, his mouth on my
neck as he’d slide his fingers inside me, laughing at how
desperate I am for him. His cold earring brushing against my
skin, making me shiver as he’d bite my shoulder hard, his
fingers fucking me as he’d tell me— “Good girl, that’s what I
wanna hear, I knew you’d give the best show. I should record
those moans of yours.” My eyes flashed open when I realized
what I had been doing. It was too late when I understood I had
been moaning loud enough for him to hear instead of keeping
it in; grabbing the phone, I ended the call in shame and closed
my bathrobe as I made my way to the bathroom to wash my
hands.
“Fuck, what was that? Why did you do that? Shit, shit, shit,
there is no way he’s letting this go.” I mumbled when I dried
my hands. Running my hands through my hair, I gripped it
tightly at the roots and exhaled in anger, “That’s fucked up,
what even got me off in that shit?” Catching a glimpse of
myself in the mirror, my hair was disheveled, and I was
slightly sweating from the warmth of earlier. Scoffing at the
state I was in, I said, “You need fucking help, you need sleep,
get a grip.” If my reflection had its own conscience and truly
reflected my soul, it’d be smirking at how stupid I looked to
then tell me it was too late. Which was true. I was down bad
for nothing, the change that bastard had brought in my life felt
like a breath of fresh air and part of me was grateful for it,
even if that fresh air smelled like iron, rust and gave a metallic
taste to the tongue.
It was sick, it was blood and death.
It compelled me to stay.
That feeling scared me and when faced with something that
scared me, I wanted to run. Something easy to do when not
being pushed around, so I slithered into bed to forget about
what happened. Falling asleep was harder than expected, or
perhaps I was a fool to think I could have passed out just like
that… Whichever it was, it took me more than an hour to fall
asleep and even as I did so, Hanma was on my mind. He
haunted my workplace, my house and now my dreams. If
Hanma was obsessed with me, I don’t know what it said about
me to dream of him, but he was never going to know. I was
going to ignore him, run his errand and wait until the next one.
That was my determined state of mind when I woke up in the
morning, startled by a call from an unknown number. The sun
had not even risen, the cold the night had brought in its wake
made me too lazy to get out of bed to grab my phone, but
when I thought it could be the person for the errand, I rolled
out of bed fast to pick up, “Yes?“ “Be out of your house in 30
minutes, someone will come and get you.” Before I could ask
anything: the car brand, who I was supposed to wait for, what
they looked like—they had hung up. At first, I looked at my
phone trying to comprehend what had happened, then the
information reached my still half-asleep brain, “30 minutes!
What am I even supposed to wear? Is it something official
or… is it more of digging a body out of its grave?” I pondered
out loud. Since I had no information on whatever I had to do
but run an errand, I chose black pants and a black shirt. I had
no choice but to put on my usual coat, but I hoped it would not
get ruined.
On my way out, my hand hovered over a pair of sunglasses,
for anonymity as they would use in movies. It’ll make me look
even more suspicious, I’m not taking this. Humming in
satisfaction, I looked inconspicuous enough that it could still
look like I was going to work or grocery shopping. Both
worked, not underdressed or overdressed, just perfect. I made
sure to leave my wallet at home, if I were to drop it wherever I
was going and leave any proof of who I was it would be
fucked. All I had was my phone and winter gloves in my
pockets, but I also made sure to tuck the gun in the back of my
pants. It felt weird to have this weight, but if it meant I was
safer out on that errand, I suppose I could take it.
When I was out in the morning cold, I checked the time and
saw I still had 10 minutes left. Deciding to wait outside, I
thought I’d check the mailbox to see if I had any mails; after
all, that was one more painful thing adulthood brought: bills.
There was nothing to pay among my mail, but something was
off, a completely blank letter with no recipient nor address
from which it came from. It meant someone had dropped it
themselves in my mailbox. Hesitantly, I ripped it open and saw
a paper on which an address was written, along with a
message: “Be at this address at 5PM if you wish to see Hanma
alive. Do not tell anyone, do not bring anyone. If we find out
someone has been warned, a bullet will be put in his head.”
They had underlined a few words on the note to emphasize
what I should not do.
I did not have time to read over the letter before a car pulled
up to the side of the road. Looking over my shoulder, I folded
the paper a few times to shove the small item in my back
pocket and hurry to the car. When I tried to open the door, it
was locked; I was about to knock on the window when it
rolled open and Ran’s head popped from it, “Password?” His
face was dead serious, making me panic for a moment. A
password? All I had been given were 30 minutes to get ready,
they never said I had to give a password. Should I come up
with something, should I—“Ran, can’t you see she’s pissing
herself?” The mechanical sound of the car unlocking alerted
me that I could get in, which I did in the span of a few
seconds.
Ran sighed in disappointment on the passenger seat, telling the
other man, Rindou was his name if I remembered well, that it
was boring. “Yeah, but now you can fuck with her and we can
also get to that shitty drop-off, call it productivity.” I did not
expect the man to talk like that, he had acted composed the
entire time at the warehouse the first time I had met them all.
But from what I could see, he was as unhinged as the man by
his side. Ran laughed in excitement and rested his elbow on
the seat as he looked at me, contorted in a god-awful manner,
“Heard ya slept well?” he nodded my way. Unsure if I could
joke around with them, I shrugged and kept my eyes on him in
case he decided to do anything crazy, “As well as one would
when brutally awakened at 5 in the morning…” A barked
laugh escaped the braided man’s lips, he threw his head back
and nudged the driver’s elbow. “She’ll be useful if we gotta
talk with rich people,” Ran then repeated my sentence
mockingly, making the other man laugh.
Laughing, Rindou said my name and continued, “What my
brother’s saying is that you sure kept Hanma busy this week.
Got a liking for criminal dick?” The first thing my body did
was tense, then my cheeks burst aflame. I kept my face as
emotionless as possible, but it was hard not to feel
embarrassed when both brothers burst out laughing at that.
With a strong voice I replied, “He’s obsessed with me, but
that’s it. Nothing is going on, I am just here to help with
whatever you need help with.” Ran smirked as he looked over
his seat to give me a wicked grin, “Yeah? And if I need help
getting off, will you also call me—“ he could not even finish
his sentence that he was laughing his ass off, both him and his
brother having too much fun.
I was feeling sick. Maybe because I did not have time to have
breakfast, or maybe because I realized privacy was not
something that existed in this organization. I would have felt
uncomfortable if they had learned things about my past, but
this was not my past, it had happened almost a week ago. At
least, I hoped they weren’t talking about the events of last
night. The mention of Hanma reminded me of the letter and I
felt anxious too, but I could not linger on that yet, I had to
focus on the errand. Looking off to the window, I scoffed
dryly, “Looking like that, I’m sure you’re a regular at the
brothel. Ask for your usual whore and she’d be more than
happy to help you out, I’ll pass the offer.” The man grinned
manically while his brother cackled, pushing him while telling
him I wasn’t wrong. Ran’s eyes weren’t leaving mine, I did
not know if he was going to beat me up or praise me for
making them laugh like that.
Turning my head slowly, I met his gaze and quirked a brow,
“Sorry, do you need help getting the brothel’s phone number?
Should I make your appointment myself?” Stop talking,
they’re crazy enough to crash this car and leave you out there.
If you keep roasting them, they’ll—“You’re a funny one,” He
stated with a grin, “Don’t know how long you’ll last with a
mouth like this, though,” With a onceover, his smile was
wicked once more, “But I like you.” Ran said in a lowered
tone, one I could almost describe as threatening but the words
did not match the tone. Sitting back on his seat properly, he
glanced at his brother and said, “Hanma should keep his bitch
on a leash cause I don’t mind welcoming strays.”
An unwelcomed shiver ran down my spine once more at the
mention of Hanma but also at the vulgar comment of the man.
From then on, I decided to ignore whatever they were saying
until we reached our destination. It was hard to do so with how
loud they were talking so early in the morning, but when I
started to doze off, I caught a glimpse of the rising sun.
Blinking myself awake I straightened my back and focused
back on the road. “Did something keep you awake last night?”
Rindou asked sarcastically, making his brother snort a laugh. I
didn’t reply, but he did not shut up still, “Shit, Ran, do you
think she sexted that fucker all night?” “I’ll bet on phone sex,
Hanma loves when they’re vocal-“ Rindou shook his head,
pointing at me with his thumb, “That bitch? Isn’t vocal.
‘Hasn’t uttered one fucking word of the whole trip. But you
know, it could be a ‘good girl in the streets, freak in the sheets’
kind of situation.” Rindou continued.
As he parked the car, Ran cackled a laugh, “Crazy in the
streets, crazy in the sheets. The bitch shot a man, remember
that?” Before they could continue talking, I unfastened my
seatbelt and tried to open the door to leave but found it locked
once more. Sighing in annoyance, I stayed facing the window
and waited for them to open but instead they moved on their
seat to both look at me. “D’you mind? We’re talking here.”
Rindou said with a dead serious face.
“Yeah? But I’m done listening to your assumption on my sex
life.” “It’s a debate, woman! It could easily be settled if you
told us how you were in bed.” Ran scoffed was a stupid laugh,
one that reminded me of Hanma somehow. Looking at them
from over my shoulder at first, I scooted back on my seat, the
one in the middle and leaned over to both men. They were
intrigued for sure, so with a knowing smile I leaned over even
more, “Here’s how it is…” before I could say anything, I
pressed the button to unlock the car and opened the car door to
leave the car rapidly. I slammed it shut behind me and
wrapped my coat tight around my form when the cold of the
morning hit my skin, it had been so warm inside the car, so
warm I was dozing off. Now I was very much awake,
hyperaware almost. Two thuds follow when the brothers left
the car.
Ran had an extended baton in hand while Rindou simply threw
his coat on, not even looking at me. Their mood was very
different from the one in the car, their expression was serious-
except for the lazy grin adorning Ran’s features. As the man
with the purple freed his hair from the collar of his coat, he
threw me a glance, “We get in, threaten the guards if they
don’t wanna be bribed. While we do that shit, you walk to the
back and look through the files for the name Mai Koyuki.” I
had heard that name before, but I did not tell them. Instead, I
nodded and followed them without a word.
I only now paid attention to the building, it was fairly big but
not as big as the firm I worked out. If my memory served me
well, this was some sort of building archives- it was confusing
to see these sorts of people inside such building, but money
was not the only currency. Information was too, which means
they would not just rob banks or deal drugs, even if I did not
know what they could do with anything on Koyuki Mai-
frowning when I had some semblant of coherent thought, I felt
arms wrap around my shoulders. Both men had an arm on my
shoulder, they tightened their hold and pushed me forward
along them, “You look suspicious like that.” Rindou whispered
as he stopped by the door and let go of me. Ran’s arm didn’t
leave, instead his hand gripped my shoulder as he leaned in, “I
told my brother we should have let you do the talking since
you’re probably great with your mouth,” Rindou’s laugh made
him pause. The purple-haired man was picking the lock of the
backdoor while we stood behind him.
“You know, cuz why else would Hanma have chosen you?”
Huffing a laugh, I elbowed him in the side and held back a
pained moan when he gripped my elbow tight to stop me dead
in my initiative. Meeting his gaze, there was a playful gleam to
his eyes that seemed familiar but I did not let myself bask in
that familiarity, “Ah, that’s why- feisty uh?” When I tried to
pry my arm from his hold, he tightened it once more, pulling
me to him to grip my chin with force and making me look up
at him from an awful angle. His eyes travelled down my body,
stopping at my stomach, “Rindou she’s like a toy, look I can
make her do whatever I want!” He then turned me around, one
hand holding both my hands behind my back while he free
hand lifted my shirt slightly, caressing my stomach, “Think
she’ll be as good as a whore- Oh?” He stopped everything,
making me tense up.
Ran let go of me, pushing me towards the wall and grabbing
the gun from my backside as he did so, “What do we have
here?” He asked in an intrigued and mocking tone. Glaring at
him, I reached for the gun only to have him raised his arm to
keep it out of my reach, “What’s the magic word?” “Hand me
my gun back, please.” His eyes widened in surprise at first
before flashing with something dark, it was gone quickly as he
dropped it and let me catch it the best I could. Of course, I
almost dropped it, but I managed to hook my finger to the
guard and secure it. “How polite? Do you swear or is that
against daddy’s rules?” he asked like that a bastard. Simply
because I did not play along his stupid childish game.
Noticing Rindou had unlocked the door, I walked past him and
instead tucked the gun to my front, covering it with my shirt,
“I can absolutely tell you you’re a piece of shit, don’t worry.
But you know, maybe having a dad is one thing that differs
you and I, uh?” The laugh that escaped his lips was
frightening, but once I had stepped inside, I was aware he was
going to have to put on his scary underground face on. He was
not going to be so openly playful, instead he would turn crazy
and insane, something he and Hanma had in common when
intimidating people. Although Hanma was probably better at
looking serious and normal than Ran, the braided man always
had that smile to him that showed he was having fun, fucking
around with people. Hanma could almost pass as a
businessman.
Feeling myself grow wings, I instigated. “You know Ran, one
thing that makes Hanma better than you is that he doesn’t look
like a crazy crackhead.” I caught his attention, “It must be the
hair,” Gesturing to myself to mimic some braids, I continued,
“I’m sure women love pulling on those braids, but I can’t
really take you seriously. Imagine the people you’re
intimidating?” Before he could reply, his brother placed a hand
on his shoulder and pointed at the woman at a desk in front of
an elevator.
Both brothers walked there with confidence and were about to
flirt, from the expression on their face, but the woman stood
up and pointed at the door. I could not hear what she was
saying, but seeing Ran’s hand grip the baton tighter, I knew he
was losing patience. Rindou glanced my way and gestured for
me to come, I rushed hurriedly to their side and kept my
mouth shut, only to have the purple-haired man say, “Tell the
lady she should cooperate.“ The woman looked at me with
wide eyes and caught my gaze, her hand slowly moving on the
desk, “Are you here against your will? Are you—“ I felt bad
for interrupting her, but I did it and with the most serious and
fearless look I could muster, I said, “Let’s raise our hands,
shall we?” she did so rapidly, her eyes wide. “We just need one
file, you don’t need to know which one, just let us use the
elevator and we’ll do all the work.” Her hands were shaking,
her eyes glanced at the button under the desk, I knew it was
there from working at a lot of high-risk places.
Bumping my foot against Rindou’s, I whispered, “There’s a
button, she could—“ he did not let me finish talking before he
jumped over the desk and wrapped his arm around the
woman’s neck, pulling her away from the desk. I stood frozen
on the spot when he did so, terrified of what he had done. The
woman went limp in his arms, and he made sure to put her on
the floor before sitting on her chair and gesturing for me to go
on, “The file, come on. We don’t have a lot of time.” Placing
my hands on the desk, I climbed on top of it and behind it to
reach the elevator, my hand blocking it open. Glancing at him,
I saw a little light under the desk and debated for a moment
whether to tell them or not, but something in the back of my
mind forced me to tell them.
“Still… what will happen if I do fail?”
“They’d probably put a bullet in your head, because you’d be
a liability.”
“Guys, she pressed the button. We have, like, 4 minutes at
best.” Their eyes widened and for the first time, there was
panic in them, for the first time I saw one of those criminals
fuck up, lose control of something as simple as getting a file.
Thinking for a moment, I knew they could never look like they
worked here, they looked like gang members or at least dealers
of something. My brain was working so fast I could not hear
their interactions, their stressed-out exchange. Probably 3
minutes now, I could pass as someone who works here, I could
go downstairs and—“I’ll stay, you two go wait two streets
down. I’ll go to the archives and get the file. When the police
arrive, I’ll come up and tell them I did not hear anything, you
know because I was working downstairs.” They took in
consideration the offer, clearly weighing the pros and cons of
the situation. I understood why they could be hesitant
considering how fresh I was in this organization, but we did
not have time. They had to think faster than that.
“Less than 3 minutes, you get out or you get caught for being
idiots.“ Ran sighed and looked at me with a wicked grin,
“Alright, we’ll get out. But rat us out and I’m not against
arson, your house will burn down, yeah?” With a worried
look, I nodded and got inside the elevator, watching both
brothers walk away. I hurriedly said, “Do something about the
cameras!” When the elevator doors closed, I let out a sigh and
looked at my shaking hands. I had them tucked inside my
pockets the entire time and only now realized the crescent
shapes in my palms. “Don’t fuck up, he says. But he didn’t tell
me I’d be working with fucking idiots!” I said in panic. When
the doors opened again, I quickly browsed the hanging signs to
find the letter K then hurried to the aisle in which those files
were stashed.
I was used to scanning for mistakes in the field I work in, so it
did not take long to find the name Koyuki, but it was not as
fast as the police. Once I had the file in hand, I debated folding
it or not and with a grimace did just that and tucked it in my
back pocket, covering it with my coat. When I got back inside
the elevator, I could not hear anything but the humming of the
pulley system of the lift. The silence was deafening and made
me busy myself by looking back at the letter I had received.
From all the rush we had been in I had almost forgotten about
that, but now that I was in the safety of the elevator, I swore
under my breath. “Since when do criminals get kidnapped? He
said he was a wanted man, but not that wanted… Fuck, should
I tell someone?” I did not have anyone’s phone number but
his, he had made sure to be the only contact I had to this
organization. About to reprimand myself for not asking for
Kokonoi’s number, the door opened and made me straighten
my back only to force myself to look more meek.
It was time for acting, for a change of attitude.
Widening my eyes in surprise, I raised my arms in defense.
“Officers? What… what happened?” Glancing at the
unconscious woman on the ground, I read the name on her
nametag then walked out of the elevator hesitantly. Fully
turning around to look at her, I acted surprised, “Nanami?!
What happened to her?!” Only your colleague choking her
unconscious, nothing much, I told myself sarcastically. “I’m
sorry, who are you?” One of the officers asked. Looking at her
with worry, I covered my mouth and glanced back at the
woman on the floor. “I—I work here, I needed to put
something down in the archive, what happened here?!” The
officer placed her hands on my shoulders to calm me down. I
was more than calm, but if she believed I was panicking it
meant I was doing great.
“That’s what we’re trying to find out, we received an alert. It
seems your friend pressed the silent alarm.“ “Is she dead?!
Please, tell me she isn’t dead, I don’t think I can live with that,
I—” covering my mouth, I faked being sick. The officer let go
of me and stood aside, from the corner of my eyes I could see
Nanami stirring awake. In a rushed course of action, I uttered,
“I’m going to be sick, bathroom.” The woman nodded and let
me go as I walked quickly to the ‘bathroom’. I remembered
the way out and once I made sure no one was walking behind
me, I closed the door discreetly and scurried down the street.
Don’t act suspicious, look normal, you’re walking fast because
you’re late for work, I tried to convince myself. I took the file
from my back pocket and unfolded it; whatever it was, I hoped
it was worth it for how exposed it made me.
Focused on my walk, I did not see the car of the brothers and
was startled by the honking behind me. I gave them a dirty
look on my way to the vehicle and was more than happy when
the car was unlocked. Getting inside, I threw them the file and
fastened my seatbelt. Before they could speak, I gripped the
back of each of their seat, “You better tell me you have
someone in your fucking gang that knows how to hide a fuck-
up, because they know our faces.”
They laughed at that, “Yeah they do, we’ve been on TV many
times.”
It put things in perspective and anxiety rose inside me. They
didn’t care, they could bribe people to look away, they had the
strength to beat people up if they decided to take matters into
their own hands and tried to kill them. But I did not. “I still
have a non-criminal life, I need whatever camera they have to
be out of commission. That’s what I’m good for, I have a
normal life, they don’t know who I am! So you need to get rid
of whatever—“ “First, you’re not the one giving orders,
yeah?” Rindou said, basically telling me to shut up. Doing just
that, I pressed my lips shut and clenched my jaw, annoyed at
his attitude. “Now, we got this, right?” He showed the file.
“I got this. Because you fucked up.”
“Can I beat her up?” I heard Ran ask Rindou. The purple-
haired man, just as annoyed, shook his head and handed him
the file. “It’s a team effort, the errand is done. We bring you
home, and you let us deal with whatever happened in there
however we see fit, understood?” I understood, yes. But I did
not like it. Hanma had told me to not fuck up, which I didn’t,
but I felt like it did not stop there, like I was still on thin ice
even back in the car. It was also about sitting one out, of
letting go of your pride and trusting your people, or something
like that. With a strained smile, I nodded. “Sure.”
Rindou smiled just as thinly and turned around, starting the
car. The car ride was different than when we got here; the
brothers were a lot more serious, Ran read out loud the parts of
the file he found important, asking for his brother’s opinion.
And while I could have been the nosy type and listened in on
their conversation, I was on the internet instead, checking the
address where I had been told to meet up if I wanted to see
Hanma alive. It was not too far from the warehouse in which
we had first met, but if what I read was right, the building was
abandoned. It was an old factory that had been shut down a
few years back for unsafe conditions, the equipment was still
there but they never found the time to remove it, which made
it even more unsafe to go there.
I was aware it could be a trap and I clearly did not have the
upper hand, but what else could I do?
Moreover, why was I so upset, why did I care about his life so
much? I could just let him be out there and keep on with my
life, if anything it was an opportunity to return to my normal
life. So why was I checking the route to get there? Maybe it
was actually a prank? I should make sure it wasn’t.
Huffing to myself, I opened my conversation with Hanma and
texted him, hoping he’d reply quickly.
Me: Hey, where are you?
I stared at my screen for a moment and when he did not reply
right away, I shoved my phone in my pocket and sighed sadly
as I got lost in thought, looking at the fast-passing landscape.
It made it easier to ignore the conversation happening in the
front, it also made time pass fast enough that I was surprised
when we had arrived at my house.
Ran turned in his seat and looked at me with a grin, “A
pleasure working with you, can’t wait to do it more.” He
winked. Rindou joined and turned around too, only half-way,
“You’re reliable enough, let’s see how it goes with time,
maybe you’ll be less stuck up.” Shaking my head, I pushed the
door open and looked back at them with a tired smile, “Had so
much fun carrying your asses out there. Crossing my fingers to
work with Koko next time.” With that I slammed the door. I
could hear the brothers laugh at my words as they opened the
window to call out my name. Turning around once I had
crossed the road, I waited for them to speak. I did not expect
them to be cryptic.
“We’re counting on you!” Rindou said, “Make us proud!” Ran
gave me a thumbs up then they drove off, leaving me confused
and lost in the middle of the street. Standing there a moment, I
then got inside my house and took off my coat to make my
way to the kitchen where I started making myself something to
eat. As I did so, I still felt off without Hanma’s reply and
thought he was just busy and hadn’t seen my message, so I
called him.
When I reached the automatic voicemail, I hung up, exhaling
in frustration.
“You’re telling me this fucker got kidnapped? How does a
member of a powerful organization get kidnapped? Isn’t he
like 2 meters tall? That doesn’t make sense!” I exclaimed,
feeling the tears of frustration welling up. It was not just
because the man wasn’t there that I was crying, it was because
of what it entailed. If he was out of the picture, I had no
protection, I had no one lenient enough to teach me whatever I
needed to survive out there. He had shown me the use of the
gun; while Sanzu was getting mad, he was somehow patient, it
was sweet. “What did he even do to get kidnapped? Kill
people? He probably killed anyone who saw the kill, it doesn’t
make fucking sense!” Nor did it make sense for me to shed
tears over that bastard, yet here I was.
Yes, here I was, now, gun in my pants, standing in front of an
abandoned building, risking my life to save the one of the man
that had turned it upside down. What was that routine I was
used to? How did he manage to slither his way inside that
routine, how did he manage to make me want him in my life?
Whatever he had done, it left me standing in front of that
factory, ready to do whatever it took to get him back alive.
As I stepped inside, I wrapped my hand around the gun in my
back and thought of what Hanma had told me earlier.
“I’m helping you out of your boring life, aren’t I?”
How right he was.
Chapter End Notes

The way I speed-wrote this chapter so that it could come

out on Hanma’s birthday… I deserve AT LEAST 3 weeks
break to write the next chapter, can I get some love?
Words : 9874
Added on 27th October 2021
 Chapter 6
Chapter Notes

Warning : graphic depiction of violence, of death, - Blood

play
See the end of the chapter for more notes

If discretion was what I had aimed for, that plan was quickly
thrown out of the window when I opened the door of the
building and heard clatter behind it. It only stopped when I
hurriedly closed the door again, but the metallic sound of
shrapnel falling out of place echoed long enough for it to
resonate through the entire building. The consequences of that
little mishap frightened me, anyone could have heard, they
could be coming any time. Even if I had been told to come by,
I wanted to have the upper hand with the element of surprise.
Looking around, I saw there was rubble everywhere, I could
barely walk with how cluttered the floor was. Some paths had
been made through everything: one leading to a window, the
other to the elevator, but the rest was unreachable. The light
was too dim for me to see anything, forcing me to pull out my
phone’s flashlight and startling me in the process when I
almost bumped into something that was hanging from the
ceiling.
With one step to the side, I avoided it and entered the elevator.
From the light that was lit inside it, I had assumed it was still
in service, but a sign with “Out of service – Unstable, do not
use” was laying on the floor. I tensed and slowly got out of
there, indeed feeling how shaky the cage was. Once I had
stepped out of it, a low hum was heard and the elevator door
closed before going up. It left me confused, but instead of
wondering why it was working and how it was still in shape, I
opened a path towards what looked like staircases leading to
the upper level. Grimacing, I put on my gloves to avoid
touching any weird substances laying around and started
lifting the equipment from the ground; it ranged from boxes
full of unusable threads and wool, to sewing machines that
were falling apart, pieces coming off as I lifted them.
Another loud noise; this time, I had enough and decided to
climb over the rubble instead of opening a path for me to walk
on. Balance was key to not stumble and hurt myself—just as I
thought that, I covered my mouth upon feeling a sharp pain in
the arch of my foot and balance was forgotten in the blink of
an eye. I jumped over the remaining distance, landing on my
feet for a few seconds before falling to my knees and letting
out a controlled breath. “That’s on me for not being careful, I
guess.” I hissed in a shaky voice as I carefully pushed things
aside to plop down on the floor and looked at my foot.
Brushing a finger over the sole of my shoe, I did not see any
blood which meant whatever I had stepped on wasn’t too bad
and I could go on without worrying much. It was easier said
than done, but with the right mindset I could ignore the pain
long enough until I got Hanma back—when that thought
crossed my mind, I paused in my steps and huffed a dry laugh.
“Until I got Hanma back,” I scoffed, “I never had him in the
first place, I don’t care about him.”
But if he were to die, I would be alone in that stupid situation
he had put me in. He had to take responsibility for his actions
and not just let me handle it on my own, I was not ready yet to
do that.
That’s why I needed him.
I simply needed him to be able to stay alive and not get fucked
over by those criminals that were now part of my life.
With that clarification, my mind was slightly clearer and I
walked up the stairs. Hopped would be the most adequate
word; once I made sure the handrail was stable, I put most of
my weight on it to not walk on my wounded foot. A burning
sensation at the arch of it was making itself known. Clenching
my jaw, I shook my head and reached the top floor, only to see
it empty too. “If this is a prank, I will… I will…“ Groaning in
frustration, I started debating internally if I should keep going
or not—after all, I would not put it past Hanma to have written
the letter himself just to see what it’d do, what I’d do.
“I’ll check all the floors, then whatever goes, goes. How many
are there left?” I whispered to myself, leaning over the
handrail to look up. Counting the floors under my breath, I
sighed at the final count and started going up again, “Three
more…” With that, I entered an automated mode and ignored
the pain as I supported my weight on the handrail and hopped
once more. The two following floors were once more lifeless,
not one sign of anyone around—no light, no voices, nothing.
Fear and frustration clashed inside my chest; either I had the
wrong address and I would not get to Hanma on time, or I was
being toyed with. With a deep breath, I got hold of myself and
calmed down “What’s wrong with one less criminal in the
world? Right?” Shit, even said out loud I could not believe
myself. Laughing sadly, I continued, “Right… Why am I even
bothering for that piece of shit?” Those words were mocked
by my action of climbing the last flight of stairs to reach the
roof.
No matter the thought I put into it, my body did a thing on its
own, even through the stupid pain in my foot. That desperation
that had set in my chest upon encountering three empty floors
disappeared when I reached the top of the stairs and saw the
door open. Three people were walking around, at least from
what I could see. They had masks on; only one of them had a
gun in hand, the others kept it at their waists, but still held it
tight. I could not see their faces, which made it a lot more
frightening, enough for me to stay frozen on the spot as I
considered my next move.
…
Nothing came to mind. The odds were against me no matter
what. There were too many already and maybe even more out
of my sight. All I had was a gun and no training, I was not
even sure they would want to talk it out either. I was fucked. A
nervous, but silent laugh escaped my lips while I sat down on
the floor and grabbed my gun to contemplate what I should do.
This was not the time to be logical or kind, although logic did
vary depending on the side you were on—the one I was on
meant my logic was to communicate. But how did one
communicate with maniacs? You couldn’t. It was hopeless. I
needed to see it from a different perspective, one that would
alleviate that thing in my head, the one that slowed me down
right now. I needed to be someone else, just for a moment. Just
for a few minutes, I needed to be crazy enough to barge in and
feel like I was invincible, feel like I had the upper hand.
A cold wind blew, hitting my skin and making me pull my
coat closer to my form as I shivered. I was only now aware of
how frozen my feet were. Looking down, I saw my shoes were
drenched, meaning I had walked in some puddle at some
point. Grimacing, I pulled out my phone to make sure it was
water I had walked in and not something else, even poking the
material and smelling it. “Metallic water, how lovely… I’ll
surely need a shower after that.” Wiggling my toes, a shudder
travelled my body at the feeling of wet socks. With that, I
stood up and let out a pained hiss. Now was not the time to
focus on the pain, I needed to be someone else, to put all my
energy on being carefree, mental, psychotic and to not give a
shit about anyone or anything—to be ready to kill.
…
I couldn’t get in character. I needed a push, I needed
something to make me go off. Up until now, every atrocious
action I had committed had been around those sick men, but
they were not here and the crimes were not tied to any one of
them in particular. What linked them was adrenaline.
Now I had to find a way to get my adrenaline up, so I
remembered every awful thing I had been forced to do until
now, the positions I’ve been in. Pushed to the ground, stepped
on, pressed against the wall… hands on my waist… “No,
that’s not—fuck that’s not the right effect!” About to bring my
hands to my face in frustration, I felt the weight of the gun in
my hands and stared at it with a growing smile at finally
finding a solution. Many times I had been threatened, many
times my life was at stake, gun to the temple, gun in hand or
the risk of getting shot if I fucked up… Slowly, I lifted the gun
to my head, making sure to not unlock it, but my finger was on
the trigger.
“If you fuck up, he’ll die—you don’t want that, do you? How
will you cope with his death on your conscience?” I whispered
to myself, imagining someone else telling me so. Simply
stating those words out loud were enough to make my heart
race in fear of messing up. My hand started shaking when I put
more pressure on the trigger and started imagining him lying
on the ground lifeless-
Putting my arm down, I pushed the door open and raised the
weapon towards the only person holding their gun. They were
quick to raise it my way and for a moment I considered
dropping mine, but instead my hold tightened and in a
controlled voice I asked, “Where is he? I’m here like you
asked, I need him now.” They didn’t answer, but the other
people around stepped back slightly, probably crazy enough to
find entertainment in this stupid showdown. After all, that’s
how they all were in Bonten, all seeking that thrill of danger
from grazing death and dominating it. A few moments passed
and we still both had our guns pointed at one another. If this
was a test to see how I’d fare to get information out of
someone, I did not know what to do.
“I followed the instructions, do your part now!” I said with a
bit more intensity, but I was not screaming yet. However, I
feared the next course I had to take if they didn’t talk. And
they didn’t, no one moved, no one talked, they all stared. It
was enough to annoy me, they did not give me anything I
could work with. If they were maniacs like Hanma was, they
were having a lot of fun right now so I would give them a
show.
Lowering my gun to aim at their leg, I gave them a strained
smile, “I can’t work with shit I’m not given, tell me
something,” Then I pulled the safety of the gun and pressed
the trigger as I raised my tone, “Anything!” When they fell to
their knees and everyone around me stepped back again, I felt
like something was off, but I moved closer, this time pressing
the gun to their chest; I had to crouch a bit with how low they
were on the ground, but I thought this would make them talk
now. But nothing left their mouth, it was the perfect
opportunity to show them I could do whatever needed to be
done, so with a forced smile I shot him again—the bang of the
gunshot echoed around the barely lit room, but it was lit
enough to see the blood pooling on the ground as the person
fell. There was nothing wrong with taking down a criminal,
right? It was justified.
I was about to ask the remaining people to tell me where
Hanma was when I heard a muffled whimper. Looking around,
I thought I had imagined it, or perhaps someone else was there
but when I heard it again, I realized it was coming from the
person on the ground. My gaze travelled to the gun in their
hand, their muscles not clenched around it. Kneeling on the
ground, I tried to pry it from their hand, but it was glued, quite
literally. My eyes widened and I did a double take before
looking around at the other people in the room, all acting as if
they did not want to be here, cowering in fear. My heart started
racing, panic drowning any confident thoughts I had in this
situation. My breath hitched when I looked down at my hands,
gun in one of them while the other rested on my lap. In the
background, I could see the ground turning red as the blood
pooled even more, reaching my pants and drenching my knees.
“Why are you all silent!” I screamed at the top of my lungs,
hoping they would tell me something, anything. If they were
here against their will, why were they staying silent? Why not
help me? “You’re a bunch of cowards! I’m—I’m not… I don’t
do that,” I paused and mumbled, “Usually…” Raising my
voice again I added, “But you made me!! It’s your fault, all of
you!” I said, using my gun to point at all of them, they weren’t
approaching and I knew I could not aim well enough to touch
them with any bullet I’d shoot.
When silence fell again, steps echoed behind me, but I was too
drained to move; if it was the police, I knew Bonten would
find a way in to shoot me dead, if it was not them, I would be
told what the fuck was going on. No matter the outcome, I did
not care, because I could not survive in Bonten without Hanma
and I could not save him—
“Get up.”
Two hands grabbed me from under my arms and helped me off
the ground. At first, I reacted to the touch and tensed; then,
when I realized whose voice it was, I pushed myself away
from him and turned around to stare at him in awe. A wicked
smile was painted on his lips while he stood in front of me,
clothes impeccable, unscathed, unbound. Unmoving, he
looked at me in pure enjoyment, clearly amused. When I tried
to step back, his hand returned to my arms and pulled me to
him. I freed the one with the gun and hit him in the face with
the butt of it, earning a groan from the man as he grabbed my
wrist and took the weapon from my hold, tucking it in my
pants. When I was about to yell at him, he pressed the back of
his hand on my mouth, still holding my arm, “You know, I told
them you’d never shoot them, but shit…” His eyes travelled
down my body before focusing back on my eyes, “Never felt
so happy to be wrong!” He laughed in pure elation as he let go
of me, only to pull me close once more by the waist and tilt
my head back just enough to angle it towards him.
“Do you want to shoot the rest of them?” He breathed, his lips
hovering over mine, drawn into something close to a sneer.
Part of me enjoyed the lack of distance between us, the
warmth of his hands on my waist, his breath hitting my face,
but the anger and frustration were stronger. “Or not. All that
matters is that you came!” He said in elation, his eyes wide
open. He brushed his nose against mine a moment then
stepped back while holding one of my hands to then twist our
arms around my form; he was now holding me with my back
against his chest and arm around my chest. His head was
resting over my shoulder as I felt him breathe against my skin,
“That means you care, that means I won, yeah?”
Hearing those words, a fire started inside my chest. Now
gripping his arms, I struggled against his hold to force myself
out of it, it was not hard since the man quickly let go, still
grinning. “Care?! I don’t care, I’m—fuck you! I’m so mad,
I’m angry that you got kidnapped.“ I paused and ran my hands
through my hair in frustration. It was hard to get my thoughts
straight with how confusing this all was, I continued with
more animosity, “You didn’t even get kidnapped, but the idea
of it was enough! Don’t you understand how much I’m
depending on you right now? You’re supposed to be my safety
net, you’re the one who—“ Hanma interrupted by pointing at
the person on the floor with his thumb, “—who shot someone?
Nah, that was all you, doll.”
My eyes flickered to the person on the ground only to quickly
go back to Hanma’s gaze, I could not stand the sight of what I
had done. “They weren’t talking, none of them!” I exhaled
loudly and on a calmer tone asked, “What else could I have
done?” It made Hanma chuckle as he slowly stepped in front
of me. His hand reached for my face, cradling it tenderly—an
action that was odd from such a man, but I allowed myself to
bask in it for a moment only for him to mockingly say, “The
gun pointed at them the moment you walked in did not leave a
lot of room to talk, did it?” Before I could reply, he pressed a
kiss on my forehead and stepped aside to crouch lazily by the
person on the ground.
“See, you did fucking great this morning!” He started, a soft
smile on his lips as he lifted the head from the floor to help the
mask off, “But it wasn’t enough for Mikey, he needed more.“
Snorting a laugh he shook his head and looked at me playfully,
“Nah I’m kidding, I wanted more. I wanted to see how far
you’ll go, so I orchestrated this fun little game.” He had made
it all up, he had set this entire thing up to test me, he was
playing with me just to see if I was as fucked up as he was and
I had fallen in his little trap. Like a rat, I thought I would get
the reward of having him back, but instead he backed me up in
a corner to show me I was as insane as he was. But he was
wrong.
When he removed the mask, I saw the person I had shot was a
woman with tape on her mouth. Covering my mouth upon
feeling bile rise in my throat, I looked up at Hanma and waited
for him to speak, which he did right away, “I think it added
more spice, don’t you think? Don’t worry, she was a bitch.”
Looking around at everyone else, he laughed loudly and raised
his tone, “You are all assholes, I could still shoot you if you try
to do something! So be good and don’t move.”
His attention returned to me. He dropped the mask back on her
face and let her head fall back on the ground before planting
his hands on the ground to help him stand up. He observed me
silently for a moment then cradled my face again, I let my
hand fall from my mouth and waited for him to do anything.
The smell of metal reached my nose before I realized he had
blood on his hands, the same ones placed on my cheeks. “You
did so good, more than I could have expected.” His thumbs
caressed my cheeks softly, my heart ached either with guilt or
something else, I did not know what I was feeling anymore.
That desperation of trying to find him was gone and seemed to
have been replaced by something utterly different that I did not
want to confront yet.
“You could have done better by arriving earlier, you did take
your merry time, huh?” He chuckled with a grin then paused
and observed my face. I did the same, trying to gauge what he
was about to do, but I could never predict what that would be.
Nor the mood he was in, but right now I knew he was more
than happy, he was almost shaking in excitement. I tried to let
some words out but fumbled with them and had to take a
moment to formulate any sort of coherent sentence. Hanma
laughed at that and waited with a mocking expression. “It said
to get here at a certain time and,” My eyes glanced to the body
on the ground, I stopped talking and started thinking of what I
had done, how badly I had handled the situation. Pushing me
to the side slightly, Hanma covered my eyes with his big hands
and tutted me, “If you’re gonna be sad every time you kill
someone, you’re not gonna last long. I told you she was a
bitch, no regrets.”
When I tried to move his hand away from my face, he kept it
there and told me to go on. I felt the blood on his hand and
realized he must have stained my clothes, along with covering
my entire face with it. I felt sick at the thought, but went on
hesitantly, “Many floors… It wasn’t—they didn’t clarify
which one, so I had to check all of them.” Suddenly, it was
bright again as Hanma moved his hand and looked at me with
wide eyes, “So you did look everywhere for me! I’ll have to
check the cameras, I can’t miss out on that sight!” Pushing
him away, I frowned. It reminded me of what he had said that
one night, but I did not want to mention it. I simply spat,
“There are none, stop lying.”
His expression fell into a serious one, he roughly grabbed my
chin and made me look at one particular point in the corner of
the room, pointing at it. “I don’t fucking lie, that’s you. Get
it?” Letting go brusquely, he smiled once more. “Now,”
Leaning in, he placed a hand close to my ear and his mouth, as
if sharing a secret, “Don’t get me wrong, if I relied on those
for high quality I’d be a fucking idiot, so I recorded your crazy
moment, for my own pleasure, on this.” He showed me his
phone then shoved it back in his pocket and clasped his hands
together. When he looked down at them, he noticed the blood
and laughed, “We made a mess, uh?” His eyes now back on
my face, his smile widened. What could I say? I couldn’t
move, I was drained, I wanted a hot shower and whatever I’d
say to defend my actions, he would find a way to twist them
into me doing it for him. And the more I thought about it, the
more he seemed right, but I did not want it to be true.
“You know, I’ve always wanted to see you covered in
blood…” He trailed off and grazed the back of his hand
against my cheek as he stood close to me. My heart was still
beating fast from the adrenaline, he made me want to cower in
fear but this fear also drew me to him, there was something
about him that made me feel so alive. It was almost addictive.
“I should take a pic before getting you cleaned up, call it a
souvenir.” His hand held mine gently, but his action was
anything but sweet, even less so when he pressed my hand to
his crotch, whispering, “Can you feel how hard you make
me?” I closed my eyes when I felt his breath hit my face and
turned my face in disgust. “D’you wanna continue what we
started last night?”
His tongue trailing from my cheekbone to the shell of my ear
was where I drew the line at his salacious actions. Forcing my
hand out of his, I pushed him away and turned around,
walking towards the flight of stairs. “I’m done. You’re safe,
good for you.” His voice called out for me, I could hear him
join me but kept walking, not wanting to see his victorious
face. “Don’t be like that, you were into it last night, why play
hard to get now?” This man would always say the most
incredible things, completely unaware of the context we were
in, the things that had happened. Was he ignoring them or was
he just that tactless? I did not know, but neither did I care. I
had no patience for him, so I turned around to tell him off. I
was met with a confused face from him. “Why the weird
walk?” Taken aback by the question, I took longer than
necessary to utter, “Stepped on something weird in the mess
downstairs,” I said off-handedly before answering his former
question, “To answer your stupid question, I suggest you learn
to read the room first. Because this?” I opened my arms wide
to mean the room, “Not the place, not the time, not the mood!”
With that, I walked away and went down the stairs the same
way I came in, hopping. This time, I could balance with one
hand on the wall as the other slid down the handrail, it made
the process faster. What I did not consider, however, were
Hanma’s thoughts on it. When I reached the floor underneath,
I heard him laugh loudly, “You look stupid doing that, ask me
to help you out, come on.” He said as he walked at a normal
pace downstairs. Giving him a once over, I sighed and gripped
the handrail tightly. I only now noticed he had undone his tie
and it was simply resting on his shoulders. He had used it to
wipe his hands but that did not matter, what mattered was the
look he was giving me when he stopped by my side.
Taking a deep breath, I looked up at him and moved my hand
from the wall, “Will you help me get down?” I asked.
Smirking, he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and
laughed, “No, but I’ll be waiting for you by the door.” When
he walked past me, I gripped his shoulder to hold him back
and swore his name under my breath. It was probably the first
time I ever called him by his name. I would usually use insults
when talking to him and calling him by his name like that felt
strange. I could see it in his eyes. It felt odd for him too, but he
did not seem to mind from the grin that curled on his lips.
“Quite the grip. I’ll help because you gave me something I’ve
been dreaming of…” He trailed off as he wrapped a hand on
my waist and helped my other arm around his shoulders. He
needed to lean over with how tall he was, but that did not
humble him at all, “You know, screaming my name like that,
it’d be hotter if you were out of breath, but that requires me to
fuck you hard, so maybe when you’re home—“
Digging my nails in his shoulder, I told him to shut up and
added he should keep his mouth shut until we’re out of here.
Which he did, but not without saying in a seductive tone,
“With your nails in my skin like that I just might moan, but
you don’t mind, do you?” I released his shoulder quickly,
looking to the side to avoid meeting his arrogant face. When
we reached the ground floor he kicked most of the rubble out
of the way, uncaring of the noise it made or the weight of
everything, he simply opened a path straight to the door.
“Alright doll, give us a smile, you’re the star tonight.” He
winked and opened the door; I was welcomed by applause and
the smell of rain.
Only one person was clapping their hands, that one person was
the same bastard that had been there in the office when
everything went down with Eisuke. Sanzu. He was standing by
the car, a huge grin on his face, “Sad you made it, I would
have loved to put a bullet in your brain!” He exclaimed,
laughing like a maniac before opening the door of the car and
getting in the driver’s seat. Throwing a dirty look at the man,
my focus quickly returned to Hanma who let go of me and in a
strict tone told me to sit down. “I’m sorry?” I asked and as I
did so, he pushed on my shoulders, making me fall to my ass. I
managed to soften my drop with my hands touching the
puddle below.
Crouching in front of me, he took his jacket off and threw it at
me, “I’m not dirtying this, keep it off of the wet ground.”
Clutching it to my chest, I was about to ask him if it was fine
if my clothes got dirty, but I knew it was. After all, they were
already bloodied, so why not wet? I was caught off guard
when I felt my shoe being removed and the man taking off my
sock as well. “What the fuck?!” I exclaimed, bringing my foot
closer, but he wrapped his cold, slender hand around my ankle
to stop me. There was some relief from feeling the cold on my
foot, but it also tickled and it was more than weird of him to
do anything. “Stupid little rat got wounded, so here I am,
being the caretaker.“ “I didn’t ask you to do that, let go of me.”
I said that, but I did not fight against his hold much, I watched
almost mesmerized at the way he wrapped his tie round my
foot.
I hardly think it was any safer than my sock seeing how
bloody his tie was, but I let him do as he pleased. This time it
was not out of fear, I simply found intriguing what he was
doing, even if out of place. When he was done, he grabbed my
arm and pulled me up while in his free hand, his finger was
hooked onto my shoe. “Get in the car now, you have to meet
someone.” With how he was holding me, I had to put my foot
down when I walked to the car, making me wince in the
process. Glancing his way, I quirked a brow when he opened
the door of the passenger seat and threw my shoe inside,
hitting Sanzu in the face with it and making him groan as he
threw it on the floor behind. “The boss, who else?” He
chuckled. With that he entered the car and so did I.
Most people would imagine someone scary looking, perhaps
full of scars, huge, intimidating. And while the latter was true,
the rest did not match up with the man sitting by the window
in the back of the car. He was dressed fully in black, but in
only a few layers. His pants stopped midway to his shins and
his shirt was long-sleeved, but there was no jacket, no sweater.
Just a sad looking lanky man. But even looking like that, he
had this aura to him that made me afraid to misstep. “Get in,
we don’t have all night!” Sanzu said, mumbling under his
breath that I was very slow and annoying.
Giving the man in front of me a strained smile, I bowed, got
inside, and fastened my seatbelt as the car started. Hanma’s
seat was pushed back because of how long his legs were, but
he didn’t care how squished I was on my seat. My hands were
resting safely on my lap, I was afraid to say something that
might put Hanma in a bad situation—Hanma? What about
me? I should also be afraid of putting myself in a bad
situation. “This is yours?” The white-haired man said as he
nudged my shoe my way with his foot. Nervously laughing, I
nodded and grabbed it to place it on the ground, at my feet.
“Thank you, sir—“ “It’s Mikey.” He said, extending his hand
for me to shake. Reaching for it, I clasped my hand around it
fast enough to hide that I was shaking still from whatever had
happened inside, but also from how terrified I was to meet this
man. His hand was rough and his grip was strong, but his eyes
were almost devoid of emotions. He was Hanma’s perfect
opposite, not only in height but in attitude and expressions too.
With a polite smile I told him my name, as if we were two new
acquaintances, but we were no such things, he made me
understand that by saying, “I know who you are. Bonten will
make good use of you and your loyalty.” Giving me a once
over, he then turned around to look out the window as he
called Sanzu’s name. The pink-haired man smiled happily then
looked over his shoulder to look at me. I saw Hanma grip the
wheel while the drug addict stared at me, “We’ll need a list of
the chairmen in your firm, all of them. Addresses, phone
numbers, everything.” “Am I allowed some rest at least?“ For
a moment I had forgotten who was in the car with me and I
felt my face heat up, from embarrassment and panic at talking
like that to one of Bonten’s executives. Before I could say
something else, Mikey spoke, “Three days. That’s it.”
Feeling uneasy, I simply thanked him then kept my mouth shut
the rest of the car trip. To say it was hard to not fall asleep
would be a lie, but I was on edge being in the same car as
three murderers and that kept me awake enough to not even
consider resting my head against the window. What I did know
is that when I got home, I would draw a bath and pass out in it,
hoping to burn this icky feeling that stuck to my skin. It was
not any substance of any sort, but it felt like I had been
sweating then met the cold outside and yet, my skin was dry. It
was all in my head.
The car ride would have been unbearably silent if not for the
two men chatting in the front. Half-way through the ride, I felt
something touch my leg and trail up to my shin. At first, I was
startled, thinking it was a spider but when I saw it was
Hanma’s hand I looked up at the sun visor’s mirror and saw
him looking at me with a small smile. He was trying to stay as
discreet as possible and only quirked a brow in a taunting
manner. Shaking my head, I moved his hand away then
focused back on the passing landscape. Inside, I wanted to
smile at how stupid it was for him to act like that, it felt
somewhat reassuring to have him here, it lightened the mood.
It was strange.
Only a few moments after I told him no, his hand returned and
he gripped my foot, to pull it towards him. There was enough
space between the seat and side of the car for my foot to pass,
but I still tried to move out of his grip. Unbothered, he rolled
up my pants and started trailing his fingers on my shin as he
talked with Sanzu. Suddenly, everything was a lot more
awkward—whatever the reason the man had to do this, I was
torn between letting him do it and kicking him in the crotch
for being this familiar with me. It was also reckless of him to
act as such, we were not friends and his colleagues were
around. This man was insane and telling him no was perhaps
scarier than playing along with whatever game he wanted to
play.
So, I stayed in this uncomfortable position until we reached
my house. I almost drifted off to sleep from how soothing his
touch was, but I would never admit it to him. When my head
would loll to the side, I would look back at the window and
focus on the lamps outside. A technique that worked well
enough for me to reach my house without passing out next to
the boss of the organization.
“’Right, out now. I need to get Mikey back home.” Sanzu said
as he unlocked the car. A sigh of relief escaped my lips when
Hanma let go of my leg and I could finally get out of this
dreadful car ride. I made sure to grab my shoe from the car
floor before opening the door and stepping out, “Thank you
for the ride.” I hesitated bidding them farewell, perhaps saying
we would see each other soon or even thanking them for other
things, but I was only grateful for the car ride. After all, they
had been the reason I had to get out of my house to that
abandoned building, and I would never thank them for forcing
this criminal life on my person.
When none of them replied, I shut the door and was about to
walk to my door when I felt someone lift my arm, it was
Hanma. “Let’s get the broken doll home—I’ll treat your
wound if you treat mine.” He said jokingly, but still pointing at
the bruising on his cheek. I had been the reason why he had
been hurt there, but there was not much remorse on my part.
He deserved it. I did not know why he felt compelled to help
me, but even on the first night we had met he had treated the
damage he had done. “Or you can go home and let me be, I
have had enough of all of you for today.” I grumbled.
“Not all of us! You barely saw me today, and Mikey likes you.
I can understand why you’d hate Sanzu but—“ “Mikey? That
—“ I looked behind me to make sure they had left before
continuing in a hushed whisper, “I thought you were insane,
you have some emotions at least, but Mikey? Please tell me
you won’t end up like him.” I finished with a short nervous
laugh. Even if Hanma was crazy, his emotions were obvious,
sure they changed quickly but it was easy to read them. The
meaning behind them or the reason why he felt those were still
a mystery, but it was still more reassuring than someone
completely emotionless.
Once we reached my door, I pushed myself off of him to get
my keys from my pockets and unlocked the door. I thanked
him without looking his way and opened it in the hope he’d
leave, but before I could close it, he slammed his hand against
it and forcefully opened it. “That’s not very host-like of you to
shut the door in my face, doll.” He grinned as he stepped
inside and closed the door behind, making sure to take the key
and locking it. “I am in no mood to host, leave.” Now in the
comfort of my own home, all I wanted to do was let
everything out and take in all that had taken place. What I had
done was beyond anything that had happened so far. I had shot
someone once, yes, but it was under their peer pressure—this
time, I had taken the gun of my own volition, I had pulled the
trigger with the sole purpose of scaring them so they’d speak.
I had felt a thrill when the woman hadn’t replied, it had
allowed me to scratch that itch that had been bothering me
since I’d shot her the first time. The itch to prove myself, to
show I could be like them and that I did not deserve to die.
For that short span of time, I had become something that
frightened me.
It scared me to find out what I was ready to do for Hanma. If I
had been ready to kill someone just to intimidate others, to get
any intel on him… I did not want to think about it, but it made
me wonder. What would I do if he asked me to do it again?
“Why are you shaking like that?” He said in disinterest,
effectively bringing me back to reality. I did not know if I was
shivering from cold or from lack of adrenaline. But it calmed
down slightly when he touched me. “Don’t tell me you’re still
scared of me?” He drawled as his hands trailed up my arms to
slowly remove my coat.
I let him.
I was not as scared as the first time. If I had to rely on him to
be my safety net, I could not keep tensing up around him.
That’s how I’d justify my letting down of my guard around
him, but I knew better… I was simply afraid to face the truth.
Instead of looking at him, I lowered my head and observed his
hands as they trailed down to my stomach and lifted my shirt
enough for his cold hand to graze my hips and make my breath
hitch in my throat. “Oh, I see what’s going on…” He mocked
as his hand traveled to my lower back and slid over my pants
to grab my ass and pull me close. I had to tell him to stop, I
needed to tell him he disgusted me and that he was fucked up,
that I did not want him. I needed to.
But his hands felt right on my body.
Lifting my chin with his free hand, he licked his thumb and
wiped some blood from my face, “Got ourselves an adrenaline
junkie?” He laughed under his breath and removed his glasses,
tucking them in his pocket before letting his hand glide to the
back of my head, gripping the roots tight and tilting it back. I
let out an annoyed sound but did not move, something about
him was hypnotizing and I wanted to see what he’d do, I
wanted to see how far he’d go.
How far I’d let him.
Because I did not know my limits anymore, I had let so much
slide that I needed to know where to draw a line. And with
him, I dreaded discovering how far that limit was.
His teeth grazed my throat as the hand on my ass slid under
my pants to settle back on it. I let out a shaky breath at how
cold his skin was, but felt warmth invade my body. “Can’t
have you craving for it just yet, so let me fuck the adrenaline
away.“ My hairs rose on my arms when I felt his tongue on my
neck, it dragged up to my cheek where he hummed at the taste.
“Feel free to get used to it, cause I’ll always be there to fuck
you sober.” When I felt his hand move from my ass to lift my
shirt fully, I was struck with the realization of what I was
doing and I quickly pried his hands off me, my hands wrapped
around his wrists in a deadly grip.
“I’m not that, I’m not addicted to anything. I’m just freezing
—“ My words got caught in my throat and I had to swallow
before continuing. His gaze was unsettling, he was thoroughly
amused, but the smile on his lips was enough to show he was
mocking, he did not believe what I was saying. “A scalding
hot shower, that’s what I need!” I finally exhaled loudly as I
let go of his hands, they both fell to his side like ragdoll arms.
I saw him clench his fists then open them again before shoving
one hand in his pocket. I don’t know why I waited for him to
speak, to perhaps banter with me, to tease me, but I did not
move right away. Instead, I stayed in the very spot I had been
the entire time he was touching me and looked at him
expectantly. Lazily, he hooked a finger in the hem of my pants
and pulled me close again, “I’ll warm you up.” He laughed.
He pulled slightly on my waistband and the elastic of my
underwear down just enough to get a glimpse of my lower
stomach. A satisfied, yet curious smile made its way to his lips
as he tried to look more.
Gripping his wrist to stop his hand from going further, I did
not move it but held it right there. I slid my hand to his as I got
it off of me and held it a moment, perhaps enjoying the simple
action of having his hand in mine. I quickly let go, almost
throwing his hand back at him when I realized the thought that
crossed my mind and turned around. “I’ll shower, don’t touch
shit in my house.” Hearing him laugh, I rolled my eyes and
went upstairs. On my way up, I stopped, freezing on the spot,
when I felt his hand grip the back of my thigh. Turning around
rapidly, I slapped it away. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I spat, my cheeks flushed.
Another deep laugh that turned into a full one as he grinned
wickedly, I walked the remaining stairs and stood at the top of
them, blocking his way to forbid him from going up. His eyes
darkened as they trailed up and down my body again; one
hand reached out, caressing my calf. “D’ya remember our fun
little call last night?” He asked with a smirk. Remembering
very vividly, I was flooded by embarrassment and tried to kick
his hand away from me to just walk away, but he gripped my
ankle and pulled it. Even with my hands on the wall, I lost
balance and fell to my butt. “I’m not playing along, I just want
to go shower.“ Once more, I tried to kick my leg free but he
held it tight as he walked up the remaining stairs, my leg still
in his hand as he walked around me and hovered over my
form. My heartbeat rapidly increased at the thought of him
pushing me down the stairs, but he did the exact opposite and
dragged me by the ankle to my room. “I fucking dare you to
put your hands on me next time.” He mimicked my tone
mockingly and let go of my foot once I was right in front of
my bed.
Furrowing my brows at him, I was fully aware of the point he
was making. I knew I had been too lenient, I had let him touch
me and welcomed said touch without flinching, I was all too
aware of that… But if I told him I had done it on purpose, he
would find it too delightful and while I was starting to find his
smile familiar, I did not want to see it today.
His gaze did not leave mine as he crouched, parting my legs. I
quickly got them away from him and sat down. He caught my
hand and used his to close mine in a tight fist, then as he
spoke, he lifted a finger of mine, counting, “The factory, you
sure enjoyed my touch out there. Leaning into it, craving it
almost, we’ll count it as one time but… You were a whore for
all of it, huh?” I tried to close my hand and force it out of his,
but he held it tight. It was not hurting yet but I knew if I fought
it more, he wouldn’t care to hurt me. He lifted another finger,
“The stairs, when you pressed your body against mine—you
didn’t mind having my hands on your hips, did you?”
I hoped my intense stare was enough of an answer to tell him
to stop his stupid shit and to let me go, but it only widened his
smile as he continued counting, “You stayed put when I took
care of your foot, you did not even question it… I wonder
what you’d do if I took off your shirt—“ “I’d punch you, it’d
get that smile off your face.” He burst out laughing at that and
lifted a fourth finger, “Didn’t say shit in the car either, and
Mikey was right there!” Hanma shook his head playfully in a
berating manner, “So disrespectful.” The curled smile on his
lips was the tell that he was joking, in his very own way.
“But that little gift you handed me once we got here… Cherry
on top.” Finally, he splayed my hand fully and looked at it in
fake-shock, “And here we have it!” He leaned in and
whispered under his breath, “I saved the best for last,” Then he
lowered in tone, “After all, you were gonna let me fuck you.”
He winked and looked at my hand again before licking my
palm and grinning wickedly, letting his head fall back. I
couldn’t help but stare at his neck and the way his Adam’s
apple would bob on his throat as he’d laugh, “Shit that was—“
he got himself together and looked at me again before placing
my hand on his crotch, “I dared touch you! And all it got me
was fucking hard, so what are you gonna do about it now? Are
you just all talk? Uh?”
Just like that, I had had enough of hearing him. If he wanted to
get what I had promised, he’d get it.
Without thinking, I let my impulse take control and grabbed
his collar with both hands to headbutt him in the nose. I tried
to push him away from me, but he was stiff as stone,
unmoving and unbothered, even after his nose had started
bleeding. What changed was his expression, it turned from
amused to completely wild, like that first night I had met him
and he found his newest toy to play with. A crazy laugh
escaped his lips as his hands wrapped around my wrists and
pinned them over my head as he straddled my lap. I grunted at
the pain from how much force he had put in his actions yet, I
could not help but find it exciting. My heart was beating
strongly in my chest, so loud it felt like it was making me
shake. With a chuckle, Hanma slid a hand under my lower
back and raised it slightly as he leaned over, “Stop making me
feel so special, doll, or I’ll take you right now.”
When he said so, his grip lessened and I freed one of my hands
to grip his jaw tightly as I gritted through my teeth, “You’re
nothing special.“ His hand ventured under my shirt again and
if my eyes widened, I kept my expression as composed as
possible even as I gasped. “You’re just a psychotic bastard,
looking for a toy to entertain that insane, fucked up mind of
yours. You’re filth!” Hanma’s grip moved from my wrist,
unconsciously I kept it above my head even as he ripped my
hand off his face to place it above my head once again. “And
you’re doing so good so far.” He cooed mischievously. His
teeth were reddened from the blood that had dripped down his
nose and onto his lips, but the man didn’t care. He continued
talking, “My toy doesn’t even let other men touch her, if that
ain’t loyalty I don’t know what is.” Frowning, I was confused
upon hearing his words but he was quick to clarify.
“Heard you ran away from Koko’s touch. That’s so fucking
hot, because I’m the only one who’s allowed to touch you like
this, right?” While still holding my wrists, he lifted my shirt
and kissed my stomach while looking me dead in the eyes—
why did I feel flustered? Why was I not telling him he was
wrong? Why was I not fleeing his touch? “They’re too nice, or
too fucked up. But what we have? It’s just the right balance…”
He trailed higher, but stopped right before he uncovered my
chest. I could see the trail of blood on my skin and it made the
whole thing seem so much more dangerous. My breath hitched
when Hanma’s attention left my stomach and returned to my
face. When I spoke, I could hardly believe the words I had
uttered. I did it simply to protect my pride, to hold onto
whatever was still right in my head, “You don’t consider
yourself too fucked up?” I started, earning myself an amused
smile from him.
“There is no balance,” I spat, his hands tightening around my
wrists, making me wince but still smile. His expression was
torn, but he was listening, I wanted to see something… I
wanted to see what he’d do. The blood pumping through my
veins made me feel more awake than I had been in ages, even
if I had barely slept last night. Hanma was unstable, he could
do anything and I wanted to venture into those waters.
“There is nothing between us, nothing’s ‘just right’, you’re—“
I could not finish talking before a metallic taste filled my
mouth. At first, I thought I had been punched, but there was no
pain. Blinking, I saw his face close to mine, then I felt his lips
pressed hard against mine. He was smiling, he was grinning
like a maniac and when his hand wrapped around my throat, I
let out a gasp that allowed him to deepen the kiss—but my lips
matched his. I had allowed him to deepen it, part of me wanted
it, I even found something thrilling in tasting blood amidst our
mix of saliva.
Pain joined that intense exchange, blood had joined too—not
his, but mine—when he bit my lips with how eager he had
been. Starting to feel dizzy, I tried to turn my head away from
his. When he didn’t let me, I attempted to speak, but he only
listened when I said his name. When I said it out of breath,
perhaps coated in pleasure or pain, it was hard to tell, but a
moan was what he wanted. “Hanma, please.” He stopped
everything, the pressure on my throat left and I could finally
breathe. Slowly, the weight on my lap also lifted and I was
left, laying on the ground, dishevelled and out of breath.
Hanma stood up.
He looked down at me and held out his hand to help me up.
When I took it, he pulled me towards him and whispered right
into my ear, “I told you, it was only a matter of time before I’d
have you moaning my name.” He then stepped aside and let go
of me. I stood in front of him a moment, speechless and at a
loss of any coherent thought after what had happened.
Looking down at myself, I saw the fresh drops of blood on my
shirt then looked up at him, trying to find anything to say. Of
course, Hanma was the one to speak once again, “I think you
should shower, after all you just fucked around in filth.” He
smiled mockingly and left my room, leaving me dazed and
confused.
What could I have said to save any ounce of pride I had left?
Nothing.
Because my pride was no more, he had ripped it out of me and
played with it. He owned it now, his games had messed with
my brain and he was ready to watch me struggle to get a
semblance of dignity back.
And even if he was wrong in all aspects.
He was right about one thing, and that was that I needed to
shower.
Chapter End Notes

Enjoy the meal, I think I served something pretty pog.

Thoughts? You know shit’s only getting tasty now, hope
you’re enjoying the show of how this is breaking down
<3
Join me on Twitter to see my struggle and my horny, if
you’d like @PhysicalTurian
Added on 5th November 2021
Words : 9427
 Chapter 7
Chapter Notes

Some sexual content ahead, the tags of the work always

apply to the chapters
For those curious, there is indeed a playlist that I made
that works pretty well with this! (I listen to it to write
most of the time)
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7imDtnxDjCqHAZqu5o
7CWR?si=ba68be144a204fca
See the end of the chapter for more notes

After that predicament I ended up in, I was very distraught.

When Hanma left the room, I went to the bathroom to finally
get the blood off my face and to get rid of that awful stench
that seemed to cling to my body. Removing my clothes was
the first step to relief, it had felt so freeing to not have those
humid items on my body. It was only once I was naked that I
took a look at myself in the mirror and saw what I looked like:
dirtied by dry blood, hair out of place from how I had tied it
when I left the house and face completely devoid of anything.
For a moment, I got lost in my own reflection and started
remembering the feeling of Hanma’s hands on my body along
with the feeling of his lips on mine. I quickly poured some
water on my hand and wiped my mouth when I found the mere
thought warmed my body. “Don’t enjoy it.” I told myself as I
threw myself a glare to then step inside the shower and let the
water run a moment until it was hot enough for me to step
under it.
As the scalding water cascaded down my body, it burned the
evil I had done, off my skin, slowly peeling that layer of sin
and letting it pour down the drain. It made me feel a different
kind of numbness than the one I had felt after having gone past
the point of no return, the one of shooting someone without it
even being explicitly ordered, with nothing but the adrenaline
controlling my body. The cold of the rainy night made me feel
some sort of chill all through my body once I had left the
building, and once I had gotten home, I had realized the heat
was not gone. And yet, my skin burned so good under his
touch—the same touch I welcomed without fluttering, without
flinching, without even thinking he could hurt me.
About to hit myself in the face to get those sensations out of
my memory, I quickly stepped out of the running water when
it turned freezing cold. “What the—” Careful to step on the
rug with the foot that wasn’t wounded, I wrung my hair and
wrapped a towel around my form as I tried to keep some
warmth. Thinking I had done something, I twisted the faucet a
few times to check if there was a problem, but it stayed
freezing cold. Once I considered what could be the cause, it
only took a second to sigh and add another towel on my form,
on my shoulders this time like a cape, and hold it tight as I left
my room and stomped down the stairs in frustration. “What
are you doing?” I hissed at Hanma who was leaning on the
sink, his elbow on the counter as he rested his chin in his hand
and looked at the water running down the sink. A smirk was
adorning his features when he turned around which only
annoyed me more.
“Huh? Here to invite me?” He asked as he pushed himself off
the counter and stepped to stand in front of me once again,
“Had a change of heart?” With the back of his hand, he tucked
my hair behind my ear and looked down. I did not miss the
way his eyes focused on my hips nor the way his fingers
moved as if he had to hold himself back from taking me right
there. Usually I would hate that feeling inside my chest, of
being his source of entertainment like a predator looking at his
next meal, but I was starting to find it… addictive. The way he
was looking at me with that hunger, that need, I wanted more
of it. But I did not easily yield and I knew it was wrong, so I
held back and pushed him away.
In a few quick, painful steps I reached the sink and turned off
the tap. “The plumbing sucks and whatever you were doing
ruined my shower, it made it frigid. Refrain from doing that
again.” I said as I hobbled past him. I should have thought he
would not stop there and nod in agreement, no, he was not like
that. He wanted to toy a bit more, that’s why his fingers lazily
gripped the towel around my shoulders and pulled at it,
removing it and sending chills down my spine in the process. I
stopped dead in my tracks and before I could turn around to
grab it, I felt it hit my ass with force like a huge whip. With
the towel around my body, however, it was enough to ease the
pain. I did not wince or moan in pain, not even hiss.
Instead, I turned around and went to snatch the towel from his
hand, “Give this back.” I said with a sigh, but he kept it out of
my reach by balling it up and raising his arm. “Alright, take
it.” I would give myself one attempt to take it from his hands,
but I would not try harder. That’s what he wanted, he thrived
on seeing me struggle and forcing me in situations in which
only he had the control. With one hand holding my towel tight
around my form, I raised my arm to take the towel from his
hand, but he moved and that was enough to deter me. “Keep it,
I don’t have time for those games.” “Oh, but you do. Don’t
you like it when I toy with you? See how you’re all flustered
and looking downright fucking hot all mad, shit…” He swore
under his breath as he lowered his arm and let his gaze trail
down to my thighs where my skin was exposed.
I should have guessed he’d do that, it had been foreshadowed
by his words, his pent up frustration and his look. So why did I
not move when the tip of his fingers playfully walked up from
my knee to my thigh, his grin more satisfied than ever when
our eyes met and I stood still. “Higher?” he asked with that
daring tone, testing waters was something new from him. He
never did that. He acted, then took in whatever the
circumstances were, sometimes it’d work out in his favor,
other times I was sure it didn’t… it’s just that when it was with
me, I often let him do as he pleased.
So his fingers trailed higher.
This ache between my legs returned and I shivered in
anticipation, my eyes now burning holes in the towel that was
slowly rising up my thigh. He paused again and laughed,
“Higher?” No, should have been the thing to say, I knew it, but
my throat constricted and I felt compelled to watch him give
me that desperately-needed attention that for a moment would
make me feel special. He raised my towel even more then
stopped and grinned, tilting his head back and humming
playfully, considering his next move. “You’re still here, could
it be you’re enjoying it?” He asked as he faced me once more,
a brow lifted to give me a curious expression. My eyes
flickered from his hand to his eyes a few times, but all he did
was tap his fingers on the same spot they had stopped. I wanna
know what you’ll do, say something, do something, touch me.
When he still didn’t move, I grabbed his hand and moved it to
the back of my thigh, right under my ass. I felt him grip it a
moment as the smile on his face threatened to widen, but he let
go and suddenly walked away from me, laughing mockingly,
“Let’s do this again once you’re clean, I think it’s a lot funnier
to fuck when—” Why did it hurt when he did not continue?
My pride had taken a hit but so did my moral compass; the
latter had been taking hits for days now. And it was no longer
pointing north, towards good. It had been hectically spinning
inside that little glass and no matter how many times I tapped
it, no matter how many times I tried to justify my actions, it
was no longer pointing north.
But I tried again to justify whatever I had done, I stepped back
from the initiative I had taken. I had ventured into some waters
and when my feet got wet, I walked out, but now my shoes
were wet no matter how much I ignored it.
“There is no ‘this’, I’ll shower and you better be gone when
I’m done.” Fuck I’m an idiot, I need to get myself together this
is not going well at all! I thought on my way back to the
bathroom. I hadn’t waited for Hanma to reply and simply
walked away, just like he had.
On my way back I took some clothes, long everything: long
sleeves, long joggers, because I knew he wouldn’t hold back
from gawking, from letting his slender hands caress my skin
and make comments. I groaned upon thinking such thoughts
again and finished my shower, this time without a hitch, when
I gathered all my dirty clothes from the floor I paused. The
blood, the smell and that weight among the fabric, it was all
too familiar and it threw me back to that abandoned building.
Some part of me was relieved I hadn’t seen her eyes, I guess…
if they wore a mask, it was easier to dehumanize them and
simply see them as crazy people with guns.
Diving my hand among the clothes, I grabbed the gun and let
it sit there, weighing it and finding a familiarity in it. It was
almost comforting to have it now that I knew who could come
by my house, how little they cared about life and how easy it
could be for them to take one. With a sigh, I got up and threw
my clothes in the bath. After drawing some warm water to let
it soak, hoping it’d get rid of the blood, I left the bathroom.
When I was about to throw the gun on my bed, I was surprised
to see Hanma standing by my dresser, his attention on
something completely other than my arrival. Dropping the gun
on the bed, I made my way to him and gripped his arm,
surprising myself by the strength in his biceps. For a tall, lanky
man he had some muscles under this suit, which made one
wonder what else he hid—no.
“I thought I told you to leave.” Forcing him to turn around, my
eyes widened when I saw my vibrator in his hand. This time I
was faster than earlier and managed to snatch it from his hold
to put it back in the drawer, just as fast I pushed his chest in
frustration. “What are you? A fucking raccoon? Why are you
rummaging through my stuff?” I hissed, my cheeks flaming
red. Hanma smirked and did not fight it when I pushed until
the back of his leg hit the bed. That’s when he resisted and
grabbed my wrists to throw me on the bed. He did not join, but
laughed instead, “There isn’t much to do here, the only thing I
wanted to do was in the bathroom. I had to busy myself
somehow,” Pausing a moment, he pointed with his thumb over
his shoulder at the dresser, “Hope you can fit bigger or it’ll be
a wild ride when I finally fuck you.” “Enough, I did your
stupid test. I know what I have to do next, so you can leave.”
Sighing unbothered, Hanma unbuttoned his shirt at the wrist
and rolled the sleeves mid-way to his forearm. With a roll of
my eyes, I got up and walked out of the room to get
downstairs and wait by the door. I did not have time for
whatever he had in mind. His laugh echoed manically as he
came down the stairs, his hands running down his hair. With a
strained smile, I opened the door and gestured for him to leave
but he walked past me and went to the kitchen. With a deep
breath, I locked the door and made my way to the kitchen.
Only he stopped me, “Be a good girl and wait for me on the
couch, will ya?” I did follow his instruction of not joining him,
but I stood right there a moment. “Run that past me again? I
don’t think you realize this is my house.” “Oh, I do, but I also
hate to repeat myself, so you’ll do as you’re told.” With a dry
scoff and a smile that said I couldn’t believe he said that, I
went to the living-room.
To not be given the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts,
I turned on the TV for some background noise. It was odd that
Hanma was not talking, he would usually be more than happy
to hear himself talk, but not now. The tension that had been
growing between us had dropped when his mood switched, but
perhaps it was for the best, even if at this very moment I did
not know if he was mad at me or simply serious about
something I had no control over. Maybe he was sure I couldn’t
grab a knife like last time, or maybe he’s hungry, I didn’t want
him to eat my food, or maybe he’s concocting some weird shit
to drug me—
The smell of cigarettes hit my nostrils with strength, making
me grimace as I covered my nose when he joined me in the
living-room. When Hanma entered my vision, one hand was
by his mouth as he held the cigarette there and took a drag
while the other held a few things between his fingers. “Could
you please smoke outside?” I asked, my eyes gesturing to the
door of the balcony. He stood in front of me with a bored
expression as he moved the cigarette from his lips and smiled
lazily, “You said please, so I’ll do it.” Before going on the
balcony, he put down what he had in hand, which I now saw
was bandage and disinfectant. I felt slightly bad upon thinking
he’d drug me when he was being oddly kind, but that
sentiment quickly disappeared when his eyes locked on the
ashtray on the table. “Ah? Could it be?” His bored expression
now turned into one of pure excitement, his large hand splayed
wide to take the small ashtray in it. “You really be thinking of
me all the time, huh?”
“What if I said it was for when other people visit my house?
You hardly are all I can think of.”
He barked a laugh and leaned over, cigarette out of the way
but still lit. He was bent over so much it must have hurt his
back, but he stayed like that until he was done talking,
“Because you know people? No, you don’t have friends—”
“Great, that’s your cue to get out now.” I said while staring
right back at him. He did not move at first, only letting his
smile widen slowly while looking at me. When he did not look
away, I did and focused on his arms instead. I only now
noticed the tattoos on each of his forearms, the same one the
brothers had, I was pretty sure Kokonoi had the same on his
head too but it was too far away in my memory to remember it
clearly. “I can still remember how you cowered the first time,
and here you are.” He punctuated the last three words slowly
as he straightened his back and looked down at me with a gaze
I couldn’t quite decipher. Pride? Amusement? Disdain? I did
not have time to linger and wonder more about him that he left
to stand on the balcony and finish his cigarette, still keeping
his eyes on me.
I was more than aware of his stare, but I kept watching the TV.
“Hey.” I saw him nod on the side, trying to get my attention.
Even if he called me, I simply hoped he’d take the hint and
leave.
“We’re playing that game now? I love it.” He laughed
wickedly. To seem like I was not paying attention to him, I put
my elbow on the side of the couch and rested my chin on my
hand, covering my mouth as I did so to hide the smirk that
made its way on it.
“D’you lose when you speak or when you look at me?” I did
neither and instead increased the volume on the TV, but I was
not listening to it one bit. I was solely focused on him, what he
was saying and perhaps paying attention to if he moved, and if
so, where. His giddy laugh reached my ears and sent shivers
coursing through my body. A mix of fear and excitement filled
it just as fast, but those feelings weren’t balanced… I felt like
the latter took over the former. “The easiest way would be to
force you, no? We both know how easy it is to make you cave,
do you remember that first night when I beat you up?” My
ears perked at that. Of course I remembered that night, how
could I not? Simply being reminded of it resurfaced that hatred
I had for him, it was a wake-up call of how threatening he
could be and how fucked up he was. That he was not worth
my attention or my friendship, or anything of that sort.
The next time I heard him, he was no longer on my left side
but on my right one, I almost turned around in surprise.
Instead, I was startled but forced myself to look ahead, “That
was so much fun, think we could do it again?” Now I was
starting to worry, should I give him the attention he needed
and avoid being on the receiving end of whatever mood he
was in? Why was I even playing along in the first place? I
should kick him out of here and enjoy my time alone, free of
crazy people.
I should, yes.
But I was getting used to this constant rapid beating of my
heart, not knowing if I’d see one of them walk by at my firm;
and if they did, there was this fine line none of us was allowed
to cross. We both knew each other, yes, but not to the public
eye. The public wouldn’t know what I did when blanketed by
the night’s secrecy, by my own house’s secrecy. So why
shouldn’t I let go a bit? I could enjoy some of that danger he
brought with him, I could let my toes dip in that pleasure of
his hands on my body, cold, slender and grazing my neck,
tilting my head back and smiling down at me—“You’re not
even fighting anymore, how am I supposed to get off?” I
blinked a few times upon meeting his gaze and clasped my
hands around his that were lazily wrapped around my neck. I
did not move them, but I did dig my nails in them, in case he’d
try to choke me. “You’re not going to hurt me.” I stated.
“That’s where you’re wrong.” My heart rate increased
suddenly, gently I tried to pry his hands from my neck but he
held his position and kept staring down at me. “What? You’re
scared?” He chuckled mockingly and leaned over his face
hovering over mine with a wicked grin, “I thought my girl
trusted me, don’t turn your back on me now.” His eyes
flickered to my lips but he leaned back right away and told me
to close my eyes. I was hesitant and kept them wide open,
staring right back at him. His hands trailed from my neck to
my jaw and tilted my head back even more. To not get hurt, I
lifted myself from the couch a little, but did not look away.
“That’s it, arch your back, show me what I’m working with.”
A choked sound escaped my throat as I tore his hands from my
neck and leaned far from him. “You’re working with nothing,
now that you’re done having fun you can leave. Thank you
very much.”
With a mocking pout, he walked around the couch and sat on
the ground in front of me, “Don’t be like that, I’m sure you’re
having fun.” He cooed as he grabbed the disinfectant, his free
hand now wrapped around my ankle. Seeing what he wanted
to do, I thought it’d be the only way to keep his hands busy
and I welcomed the idea, so I let him do as he pleased. “I
would be having a lot more fun if—” “You were alone in your
room, thinking of that very moment, your cute little toy
between your legs. I get it, but I kinda want my dick to be that
toy, you get what I’m saying?” He finished my sentence
however he found it fit and I would be lying if I said it didn’t
have an effect on me, somehow. The idea of his body pressed
against mine was becoming more and more appealing, which
only proved how much I needed to get away from him.
Huffing a dry laugh, I watched him place a bandage on my
foot and tried to kick it out of his hand when his finger grazed
it too lightly. “You’re done, let go now.” He hummed as he
looked up and tugged on my ankle to rest my leg over his. “I
won though, what’s my prize?” He whispered as he lifted
himself on the couch, slowly joining me on it. I tried to keep
him off with my other foot on his shoulder, pushing against it.
You get to leave, you get to move your hands off of me, you get
to stop leaning closer and to not touch me—“I invested in an
ashtray, isn’t that enough?” He paused everything and stared at
me for a moment, his lips wobbling before bursting out
laughing, “That’s not nearly enough, I’ll show you what I
deserve after all of this.” With that, he lifted my shirt and did
not lose a second to slip his hand inside my pants and under
my underwear, his finger reaching my sex. He was now fully
laying on top of me, his knees parting my legs and while my
heart jumped to my throat, I couldn’t help but find it thrilling.
My eyes could not meet his, however, they were focused on
his hands between my legs and how he was lazily brushing
between my lips until I felt a finger enter me. “See how easy
that was? Maybe you enjoyed my speech a little bit too much,
maybe you get off from knowing I could hurt you.” He teased,
his breath caressing the side of my neck.
When he used his thumb to press against my clit and rub it, I
felt my lips curl into a smile of pleasure but quickly covered it
with the back of my hand. “Tell me, is the mood set right this
time? Cause you talk shit over the phone, but the moment I
touch you…” Adding another finger, he curled them inside,
forcing me to hold back the moan that threatened to leave my
mouth. A breathy chuckle escaped his lips as he leaned his
head against my knee that was still on his shoulder and he
continued, “The moment I touch you, you just whore out. It’s
funny, no?” Fuck, I wanted to grip onto something. With one
hand on my mouth, I was making sure to not let any sound
leave while my free hand held onto the side of the couch. “Get
your hand off your mouth, let me hear how loud I can get you
to scream my name.” I shook my head and turned my head
even more to the side to not look at him. The embarrassment
was too great and when he pulled his fingers out to use that
very hand to pry my hand from my mouth, I knew he was
getting frustrated. He turned my face his way by gripping my
jaw tight and smiled mischievously, “It’s not midnight yet,
can’t my girl give me a birthday gift?” Slowly I opened my
eyes and met his, a grave mistake that only made me want to
crawl more into a hole to disappear.
I was trying hard to find a comeback, but with him looking at
me like that, I had no choice but to keep going what we had
started. Those eyes looking down at me with disdain and
amusement, he was having fun having me writhing under him
like that. “Cat got your tongue? Let me find it again—” With
that, he forced my mouth open and shoved two fingers in to
pull on my tongue, chuckling in fake surprise at his find. “If
my toy won’t work, maybe the problem is a lot deeper than I
thought.” He pondered mockingly before suddenly pulling my
pants and panties down fully to shove his fingers back in,
deeper this time. It was nowhere near gentle, his long fingers
thrusting inside me roughly but so easily too. He quickened his
pace all while trailing his eyes down before raising my shirt.
“I’d fuck you right now if you were more compliant, but
you’re being so—fucking annoying.” His last words were
strained when I moved my hands, one on his shoulder while
the other found itself around his pretty neck. “The problem is
you.” I closed my mouth and eyes a moment when it felt so
good I almost moaned out loud.
When I got myself together, I met his playful eyes and was
about to continue when he spoke, “Yeah? You sure? Because,”
He trailed off and started rubbing my clit fast, eliciting whines
of pure pleasure. My hands gripped him tight but he wasn’t
bothered by it, if anything it got him going more. I could see it
in his growing grin through my half-lidded eyes. “There,
maybe I’m just the solution. I’ll stop if you give me what I
want, it’s not hard is it?” Now breathing heavily, I quirked a
brow among my pleasure. Surely he meant he wouldn’t stop if
I gave him what he wanted, he must have messed up his
words. So, drowning in delight as he resumed his actions, I
swallowed my pride and asked, “What do you want—” “Moan
my name, scream it,” With a mocking smile, I felt his chest
press against mine, my leg pressed between us as he leaned
over and his lips caressed the shell of my ear, “Show me how
badly you want me, go ahead.” Hearing his chuckle this close
made me feel things I did not want, but there was no stopping
the way my back arched as I whispered his name under my
breath.
Unsatisfied, he shook his head and started thrusting harder
inside me, “Try again, I know you love yourself some
incentive, so here’s what we’re gonna do.” His hand left my
leg while the other kept working, I let out a shudder when I
felt his cold fingertips graze my stomach and slowly lift my
shirt. “I’ll count to 3—no, 10, since you’re stubborn. And if by
then you didn’t scream my name—” “Work harder, because
this is not it.” I lied. But something inside me pushed me to
rile him up, to get him worked up and see what he’d do. The
way his lips curled into a manic grin, I knew I had done
something; his hand left my stomach. He was quick to stop
everything and get rid of the clothes still hanging onto my leg
before taking the same position as before, fingers inside me
and my leg over his shoulder. I barely had time to realize what
he had done that he started fucking me even harder with those
fingers. His cheek rested against my thigh as he looked down
at me in a crazed haze. That gleeful amused laugh left, the
same one I had heard so many times as he crossed that line
that separated control and unhinged. His eyes widened as he
grazed his teeth against my skin, “Shit, look how scared you
look,” I wasn’t scared, or at least I did not want to cower,
seeing him like that made my pulse race, it made me ache even
more. It was so thrilling I couldn’t let my gaze leave his.
A loud hiss escaped my lips when he bit my skin slightly at
first. “Oh, so you’re a masochist? That’s what’s going on?” I
tried to push his face away in embarrassment, but he grabbed
my thigh again and held it against his face as he bit me more
suddenly this time, making me yelp in pain and pleasure.
“Hanma.” I said his name in a threatening tone, but it only
increased his feeling of being entertained, his fingers digging
inside my skin and painfully scratching it as his thumb rubbed
skillfully against my clit. A shiver of bliss ran down my spine
as I held onto his hand and shoulder tight. “Fuck, you’re
enjoying this so much, you’re clenching so hard around my
fingers. I’ll give it to you even rougher.” With that, he bit my
thigh at a different spot so hard the moan that I let out was
mostly coated in pain, but when he ran his tongue over the
round dented shape his teeth had left on my skin I let out a
shaky whine, needing more of it. I couldn’t think straight, I
didn’t even know why I was resisting in the first place, but all
I wanted now was for this pressure that had built up in my
stomach to leave. “Forget the count down, I’ll mark you as
many times as necessary for you to fucking scream my name.”
With that, his eyes locked on mine as he started biting with
more strength, higher and higher up my thigh as he lifted my
hips from the couch. His fingers had since left me, but he
started rubbing my clit with fervor, making me groan in
pleasure as I tried to move my hips, my foot hitting his back. I
started saying his name under my breath, hoping it’d be
enough, hoping he’d keep going and understand I was getting
close, but he only grinned wider and grazed his teeth down my
skin again. His bites were becoming longer, he had started
sucking the spot as he licked it, leaving hickeys on his way.
The sight of it along his awfully arrogant face made me almost
lose it. My hand left his shoulder as I tried to cover my thigh
when he bit my hand and tutted me, “Say it, go ‘head.” I hated
this, I wanted this tension to be ripped out of my lower
stomach, I was ready to do anything to let it out, so I did.
“Please, Hanma.” Any will I had to fight him was gone, I
knew I’d regret it later, but later was not now. I was enjoying it
right now, that’s why I pushed the regrets away.
“Shuji.” He grunted against my skin as he moved to another
empty, unattacked, spot on my skin to sink his teeth in one
more time. This time it was too much and I felt the pressure
snap. With my fist clenched on his shoulder, I let out a high
pitched, “Please Shuji—”
“And scene! That’s a wrap.”
I first felt his weight missing from my body, perhaps I wanted
him to stay longer, but then his words hit.
Still half-dazed, I got dressed in haste and grabbed his hand as
he stood up. “What the fuck do you mean?” With a mocking
smile, he looked down at me and pried my hand from his,
unhooking each of my fingers one by one before stating, “I
said I wanted to record those moans, didn’t I?” A wave of
shame and humiliation flooded my chest, it was embarrassing
enough to have let him do that to me, to have enjoyed every
bit of it and more, but to have him keep a recording of it?
“You’re bluffing.” I said in faux-composure as I got to my feet
and patted his pockets to feel if he had his phone on him. He
gripped my wrists to stop me and used one of my hands to
point at the low table, “Right there, doll.”
“You bastard!” Shrugging his hand off, I went to grab the
phone from the table, but he pushed me to the couch before I
could even graze it and took it himself. “Let’s not be
impulsive, yeah?” “Delete it.” I countered right when he was
done talking. He pursed his lips in a mocking manner then
pressed a finger to the screen before showing me, “But you
look so good, why would I do that?” My face heated up even
more. When I tried to grab the phone, he increased the volume
and laughed. “D’ya hear that?” He asked with a broadening
smile, he made sure to give me a once over as he said so,
clearly not out of his mood. With every passing second I heard
myself on that stupid phone, I was growing more and more
annoyed. “Cut it out, that’s enough.” “Not nearly,” He cooed
in a higher tone, he was having the time of his life. “I think I
should put it as my ringtone because that last one you gave
me? Fuck I’ll be jerking off to that every. fucking. night.”
Hanma then barked a laugh as he stopped the video and put
the phone in his pocket. When he did so, his hand stayed there
for a moment. Confusion was painted on his face as he pulled
out a small plastic bag, that’s when recognition hit and his
smile returned. “Right! Almost forgot about that.”
Throwing me a look, he tossed the bag at me and chuckled.
“Brought you a souvenir.”
I was startled by the throw and planted my hand on my chest
to grab the bag before it could fall as I straightened my back to
look at it. There were no words that could express how I was
feeling when I saw the contents of the bag. The disgusted
expression on my face spoke for itself and never left, even as I
glanced at Hanma who was smiling proudly. “Teeth?”
Nodding, he brought an unlit cigarette to his lips and went to
grab his jacket he had tossed on one of the chairs. I watched
him as he walked around the couch and dragged his hand
along the couch to reach my shoulders and squeeze them, “A
little keepsake, we wouldn’t want you to feel left out.” He said
with a dark chuckle as he let go. When he walked towards the
door, I felt a pinch in my chest and ignored it as I jumped over
the couch to follow him, “Wait, where are you going?”
“You’ve been practically begging me to leave, don’t tell me
you want me to stay now?” My fist clenched around the bag in
my hand as I walked past him and unlocked the door, opening
it wide to wordlessly tell him to leave. He crossed the
threshold but stood right in front of my door, “Don’t make a
face like that, I told you I’d stop once I got what I needed. I’m
holding onto that promise—” “You take what you need then
leave, no surprise there.” I scoffed dryly. The words had left
my mouth without any time for me to think them over. I
regretted them instantly and tried to cover up when Hanma
leaned over, his face at the height of mine, “Watch your
fucking mouth, you’ll find I gave you a lot today. I let you run
your damn mouth, I let you give me attitude and I fucked
you.” He spat, dipping his fingers in his front pocket to grab a
lighter and press it into my hands. With a simple gesture, he
made me understand he wanted me to light his cigarette as he
continued speaking, “Did I not also take care of your foot?” I
uttered a small yes as I brought the lighter to the end of the
cigarette.
“What did I get in return? I hear my girl complain that she
ain’t getting shit! That hurts, doll.” He faked a woeful
expression as he leaned back, took a drag and puffed out
towards the sky before looking back at me. His fingers tipped
my head slightly to have me look at him, “Tell me you’re
sorry.” He commanded, a smile I had never seen on him
adorned his features. The more I looked at it, the more I
thought it to be sadistic.
Frowning, I pushed his hand off me but he brought it back by
gripping my chin with just a bit more force. He did not repeat
himself, he only widened his smile. Running my tongue over
my teeth, I swallowed my words and perhaps weighed the
situation more, it did not call for feistiness. If I did not want to
get any backlashes I had to fold, because his mood had
changed oh-so-suddenly. “Sorry.”
“Again, but with more honesty this time. And don’t act as if
you didn’t just scream my name, add it to the lot.”
My jaw clenched. He felt it, I knew it when his fingers moved
slightly to reposition themselves as his smile faltered. “I’m
sorry, Shuji.” His thumb caressed my cheek softly as he let go,
“Atta girl.”
He turned around and in his sing-song voice called out,
“Alright, let’s go Kakucho. I think we should let her get some
rest, she did have a rough evening.” “You’re sick, do the girl a
favor and get out of her life.” The man called Kakucho said
teasingly, but I was sure there was some truth to it; he
probably despised Hanma from the tone he was using. The
latter didn’t care at all and flicked his cigarette to the ground,
crushing it with his foot to extinguish it. “Too late for that,
she’s hooked.” He laughed loudly as he entered the car. I stood
by the door with my arms crossed over my chest until they
left. I didn’t miss the look Hanma gave me as the car drove off
and it made me feel uneasy. He was not done with me, in more
ways than one. For a man who did so much wrong, he had
spoken one truth that made me take a huge step back from the
situation I was in: I was hooked.
I needed to fix that, but I was not sure it was possible. I was
starting to think I was past the breaking point, I was in too
deep and if there was no escaping Bonten, I could at least save
myself by not caring for a psychopath like Hanma. After all,
he had made me believe he had been kidnapped, he had me
shoot someone—you shot someone on your own too, can’t
blame him for that, I countered my own rant. Clicking my
tongue, I locked the door and went upstairs after having turned
all the lights off on the ground floor.
When I entered my bedroom, I was ready to sleep for ages but
made sure to put an alarm clock to wake up early tomorrow
once I had tossed the bag I had been given onto my desk. It
had been too long of a day and I had had enough of all of
them, knowing I would not see them for the next few days
until I had to give Mikey the files was a relief. With a tired
sigh, I lifted my sheets to slither in bed and was surprised by
the loud thud of something hitting the floor. Jumping from the
bed, I used my phone flashlight to walk around it and check
what had fallen. My face fell in recognition and exhaustion,
there on the ground was the vibrator I had tucked away when
Hanma had rummaged through my stuff. A piece of paper lay
on the ground nearby from when I had lifted my sheets, so I
took it and read it. ‘Find a bigger one if you wanna be
prepared. Use it when we’re on call ♡’ With a roll of my eyes,
I placed both items back in my drawer and went to sleep.
What happened today shouldn’t happen ever again. I should
make sure of that, because no one in their right mind should be
playing with this man, no matter how thrilling it was. I was
playing with fire, I knew it, and even if he thought me to be
his own little circus, his source of entertainment, I was no fire
eater. Sanity was still part of me and while I was still in a
stable state of mind, I would no longer play his games. I
decided so, in a sleepy state. In that very state, I unlocked my
phone and checked if I had any messages from him—there
was an unread one that made me stressed before I opened it.
H.: We should do this again
Even dazed, my brain fogged by sleepiness, I knew he was
messing around. I don’t remember what I answered but when I
did, I put my phone down and drifted off to sleep.
In the morning when I got startled awake by my alarm clock, I
let out a groan and turned it off as I kicked my blanket off my
form and threw my legs over the side of the bed. The reminder
of last night hit fast when I stood up and the faint pain in my
foot made itself known. Before getting dressed, I took care of
it all while battling the thoughts of last night, trying hard to not
remember what happened between Hanma and I. The job was
a success when I focused on making breakfast and put on the
news. There was no rush this time and everything was going
smoothly until I was about to turn off the TV once I was done
with my morning routine.
“Chairman of Silas&Sons, Hideshi Eisuke has been reported
missing. After insistent calls from his wife, the police station
decided to look into the matter.” The camera switched from
the presentator to someone on the field, in the background I
could see a huge house and a woman holding herself for
reassurance. She seemed distraught as the reporter brought the
microphone to her face, “Tell us what happened?” With still as
much sadness, the woman took a deep breath and sighed,
“Hideshi is impulsive—that’s why I love him, but he is prone
to taking trips somewhere for days without telling me.
Sometimes it’s for work! Sometimes for fun and I rarely have
any news from him. That’s why I wasn’t worried, but it’s been
too long and when I went to his workplace to ask about him, I
—” She covered her mouth and shook her head before pushing
the reporter’s microphone away.
The camera focused back to the reporter who continued,
ignoring the woman, “According to the police, Hideshi was
cheating on his wife—” That’s when I pressed the off button
and hurried out of my house, coat on my arm and bag over my
shoulder. I rummaged through the latter to get my earphones
and play some music. I was the reason this man’s reputation
was stained, I was the reason his wife not only lost him, but
also was going to live with this stain that was being cheated
on. Had he cheated? No. Had he done something worse? Yes,
but it wouldn’t have come to the light of day, no one was
going to find out, she would have lived a happier life. Even if
one without her lover.
Shaking my head, I needed to get in contact with someone
from Bonten to ask what they would do about the
investigation. Surely they’d manage to hide whatever they
needed, just like they did for the kill in the warehouse, but this
was a missing person and they would be looking into it for at
least 10 days, non-stop. Scrolling through my contacts, I
remembered I never got anyone else’s phone number but
Hanma’s. Half-heartedly, I opened our conversation. I was
surprised to see an unopened message.
Me: yeah
H.: with less clothes next time, I fucking hate losing time on
getting my girl naked
Why had I said ‘yes’ last night? My brain must have bailed on
me from how tired I was and now all I could do was ignore
whatever he had said and ask away.
Me: I should be able to contact other people from Bonten, in
case you’re busy
I almost bumped into someone on my way to the station and
quickly apologized, my eyes were still riveted on my phone in
apprehension. Without a fast reply, I tucked my phone away
and made my way inside the subway, the ride went without a
hitch as it usually would before all of this happened and it was
a relief.
When I stepped out of the station, my phone rang and I picked
up the call in my earphones. Before I could even greet him,
Hanma spoke. “Now you pick up? You had me call three times,
you wouldn’t have liked what’d have happened if you hadn’t
picked up this one.” His voice was not as clear as usual and
from what I could hear, he seemed to be laying down. I
quickly jumped to the conclusion that he had just woken up.
“But I did, can I have someone else’s phone number now?”
Quickly, he answered, almost speaking over me. “Sure, I’ll
give you Ran’s.” I thanked him, but he continued without even
listening to me, “He’s been wanting to have fun with you, so
why not? Maybe it’ll show you to not whore yourself for other
men.” He spat before shutting up. I made sure to leave an
uncomfortable silence as I breathed, “I don’t need your foul
mood. I didn’t ask for anyone in particular, it just makes sense
that I should be able to reach other members if you’re busy.”
As much as I tried to argue against his infallible argument, at
least to him, he wasn’t convinced.
“Foul mood? My girl’s tryna fuck other people—” “Let’s get
one thing straight, ok? What happened last night will never
happen with anyone else and it’ll never happen again, ever.” I
heard a low hum on the other end of the phone then the rustle
of fabric, hopefully he was getting out of bed and as he did so,
I added as I stepped inside the building, “It was a moment of
weakness, I needed some relief, it’s just that you were the one
there, it could have been anyone really.” “Yeah? Don’t think
so, but I love hearing that I’m your weakness, it makes me feel
special, doll.” His words were strained, sultry, a completely
different tone from when we started the call with how he was
ready to bite my head off. He was back to being flirtatious in
his own way. But that tone, that tone sounded familiar, one I
had heard a few times, the breathless moan in my ear
enlightened me a lot faster than my thoughts could have: he
was jerking off.
Instead of telling him off, I took a deep breath and calmed
down as I switched to a polite tone when I crossed paths with
some of my colleagues, “I’d be grateful if you could send me
the contacts for Mister Ran, I need to have a conversation with
him.” An angry laugh echoed, but it was still strained, he was
still touching himself. “You tryna make me jealous? Go ahead,
see what happens.” “I’m not playing, send me the number.
Have a good day.” I said in full composure before hanging up.
It was probably a bad idea to have hung up on him while he
was still somewhat annoyed, but I didn’t have time to lose on
him being crazy like that. If he was mad, it was better for him
to be mad on his own.
I did not receive a message from him until the middle of the
day, I didn’t even have time to try to get the file they needed;
the police were everywhere around the firm, trying to find any
clue of where Eisuka had disappeared. The more I saw them
around, the more nervous I was getting, my stomach was
churning and my body was freezing, I felt sick. Guilt was
eating me from the inside, but even through all those ill
feelings in my body, I realized something that scared me… not
once had it crossed my mind to turn myself in.
With a lot of self-awareness, I stayed composed and acted as
natural as possible. I did my tasks, chatted with my coworkers
as normally as usual, but I also felt a lot more watched. While
discussing with a few people from my department, my interest
was piqued when one of them mentioned a tall, well-dressed
man roaming the building. From the description, I had a bad
feeling. One of them excitedly said, “Yes I saw him! He has
tattoos, and a three piece suit right?” The man in front of her
nodded and added he had his hair parted to the side, colorful
with different shades in it. That bad feeling in my stomach
only grew, why was Hanma here? Was he looking for me or
was he trying to make a point? Takehiro, one of the oldest here
joined the conversation, composed as ever, a mug in hand,
“I’ve heard he’s an auditor, here to check how we’re doing.”
How many professions could this man impersonate? He was
already an investor, I hardly think people would believe he
was an auditor too.
It was hard to stay focused on the conversation when the topic
drifted from Hanma to whatever the police knew. I should
have paid closer attention to learn if they had found anything,
but instead I excused myself and shuffled out of the
conversation to leave the room. Once I was out, I pulled out
my phone and was about to call Hanma when someone
stopped in front of me with a dark chuckle. Looking up, my
face blanched as I lowered my phone and with a nervous
chuckle said, “What happened to you?”
He took my phone and grabbed my arm to forcefully lead me
away from people, “Let’s give you a reason to look scared,
then we can chit chat.” That bad feeling I had the entire
morning was justified when we entered the bathroom.
Chapter End Notes

Fed? Happy from that short meal? D’ya see red and
ignore it? Same… Same… Like Cupcakke said, “Fuck
me, hump me, daddy better make choke” Let me hear
YOUR thoughts my lovelies, are we excited? Fearful?
Follow my manic writing (that are pretty rare) on Twitter
@PhysicalTurian
Words : 8570
Added on 14th November 2021
 Chapter 8
Chapter Notes

Tags from the fic still work for this chapter

Inspired by those beautiful artists!
https://twitter.com/DeltaPork/status/14572350535035985
97?s=20
https://twitter.com/10rv_yume46/status/14573805540478
48448?s=20
https://twitter.com/hone2288/status/14490885298756280
33?s=20
See the end of the chapter for more notes

Forced to walk by his side, I needed to hurry my pace if I did

not want it to look exactly like what it was: a man dragging a
woman somewhere. I didn’t know what was on his mind, but
if there was something I knew from our first meeting was that
it wasn’t easy to tick him off. I would even go as far as to say
he was looking for something to annoy him, to justify his need
to throw hits, to fight. When he entered the bathroom, he held
me tight as he checked every stall. When he was sure they
were empty, he unfolded his baton, dropped it to the ground
and nudged it with his foot to block the door.
“What are you doing? This is my work place—” A swear
escaped my lips when I was thrown against the wall and fell to
my ass on the ground. When I tried to get up, a foot settled on
my chest and kept me right there. “I think I fit in just right,
can’t you see how neat my hair is?” “It’s purple, Ran, it’s still
flashy.” Even with his braids gone, the man was still too
extravagant, no professional look could fix that sick gleam in
his eyes. I let out a pained groan when he kicked me in the
stomach before gripping my jaw roughly to make me look at
him. “Shut the fuck up, I didn’t say you could speak.” The
violence in his words took me aback; even if he was grinning
like a maniac, I couldn’t find it in me to think of this as
playful. He was not like Hanma. Hanma made it fun, he was a
piece of shit but he hadn’t laid a hand on me, except on the
first night. He made himself respected without needing to be
violent, but Ran? He was having a blast, that’s why he grabbed
my foot and dragged me fully to the ground to straddle my
thighs.
“D’ya know why I’m here?” The purple-haired man asked. He
had told me to shut up, so I did just that. My jaw clenched and
my gaze was unwavering even if his weight on my lap was
beginning to hurt along with the hit I had taken in the stomach.
A giddy giggle escaped his lips as he stood up and kicked me
on the side, “That fucker Hanma said you were obedient but
you’re just annoying, huh?” “I don’t know what you’re talking
about, speak with your voice instead of your fist for once.”
Interrupted once again, I knew from his stance that he wanted
to hit me. Instead, he got off me and lifted me from the ground
by my hair. His grip was tight at the roots as he kneed me in
the side. “I’m giving you a reason to look scared.” He cooed
mockingly. I was now clawing at his hand, telling him to let
me go and he did, by pulling me back and dropping me on the
ground.
“There needs to be a change of attitude, ya feel me?” He
asked, not giving me any time to take a hold of myself. He
pressed his foot on my ribs as I laid on my side, an arm on my
stomach in fear he’d hit there again. “That guilty look is like a
70 on the suspicious scale, yeah? I’ll need you to tone it down
to a -20.” he stared at me expectantly. I looked away with
furrowed brows and waited for him to be done. This was not
the exciting kind of fear, I could not fight back since the gun I
had was in my bag; all I could do was take the hits. Tears were
welling up in my eyes, it had been so long since I had cried. I
did not have time to do so in so long, but the beating in my
chest was so fast and the pain so awful I let out a nervous
laugh through the tears. “I got the message, get out now.” Ran
shoved me so that I was now on my back, he bent over and
looked down at me with a huge grin. “I’m not done though?”
A sigh left my sobbing lips. “You thought that was it?”
Tutting me, he told me to get up but still grabbed my arm
forcefully to help me to my feet. “Heard you wanted my
number, Hanma isn’t doing it for you anymore?” His face was
close to mine and his fingers were digging in my cheeks with
how roughly he was pursing my lips, an index on one cheek
and a thumb on the other. “Bitches aren’t loyal nowadays.” He
started but I cut him off, my words measured as I spoke, “I
told him it was just in case.” “In case what? In case his dick
game wasn’t enough?” Glancing to the side, I thought I could
make a run for his baton. So I elbowed the inside of his elbow
to have him free me and went to grab the baton, but his hand
was still tightly wrapped around my arm. “Sneaky rat—no
wait, I got it!” He let me go and went over to the door,
unstucking it by grabbing the baton and grinning at me, “The
bitch wants her stick? Huh?”
He crossed the small distance between us and forced my
mouth open before placing the baton horizontally in my
mouth, like the bite of a bridle. He pushed it without even
budging and had my head against the wall, my tongue
struggling against the metal and my teeth biting hard on it.
“There, happier?” I hated this, but he had been sent to make a
point, so I had to live through it and show I could surpass their
stupid expectations. I tried to speak, to tell him I understood,
that he could leave but he approached mockingly, his hand
around his ear as he said, “Can’t hear ya, come on, articulate.”
I moved my hand to push the baton away, but Ran kept it right
there.
I met his eyes with determination, my tears had long since
dried but the fear remained. Articulating the best I could, I said
“Fuck you.” I knew he had understood when his face changed
from insane to dead serious. “Your language!” He said in fake
outrage, his gaze lowered from my eyes and down to my
stomach. “I should wash your filthy fucking mouth with soap,
or my dick, it’ll do the trick just right to stop you from talking
shit.” Suddenly the baton was out of my mouth, I gasped
loudly but it was a short-lived relief. A strong strike on my
shin made me fall to my knees. I pushed Ran’s legs away, but
he stood right next to me, baton in hand and a huge smile on
his face. “Mmh, yeah. I can work with that, but not right now.
Rin’s waiting for me upstairs.” The corner of my mouth hurt, I
had covered my mouth in pain, I wanted to throw up but
stayed with one hand on the ground. “Get yourself together,
the pigs are here and we wouldn’t want you to get arrested,
would we?”
The man was interrupted, his gaze turning suddenly, annoyed
at the person at the door. I was quick to stand up and act as if
nothing happened but when I noticed it was Kokonoi, I let out
a sigh and only stood aside. “Right, get out then. Rindou’s
waiting, I’ll come in a few with the contract they need to
sign.” Koko said, his tone not leaving any room for
discussion. Yet, Ran strolled to him, one hand in his pants
while the other held tight on his baton. “Says who?”
Kokonoi didn’t move, “Says me, you’re done. I’ve had enough
of you Haitani brothers for today so get out of my fucking
sight.” the blond spat, his gaze unwavering. It made Ran roll
his eyes; he folded his baton and shrugged. “We’ll continue
our fun later, I guess.” He said off-handedly, but not without
throwing me a look that only made me feel more uneasy. The
taller man took his time to leave, his hand trailing behind on
the door a bit as he let it slide off of it to shut it close.
The silence that followed was awkward. Kokonoi did not
move, neither did I at first. Then, I moved to the sink and ran
some water on the reddening corners of my mouth before
drying my face with some toilet paper and throwing it away.
When I was about to leave, Koko grabbed my arm gently, “Get
the files today, if you can do it now, it’ll give you a reason to
leave.” It wasn’t an order; through his serious tone, I could
hear something close to worry. I felt a wave of warmth run
through my body and covered my mouth once again as I
nodded. His grip tightened slightly as he tugged me towards
him, it made me tense then I felt both his hands on each of my
arms. I let my hand fall from my mouth and looked at him
with forced composure. “That man’s garbage—” “Hanma sent
him because I fucked up.” I blurt out, closing my mouth
quickly to hold back the tears.
Koko frowned and was about to ask me something, but instead
he took his phone out and raised it to his ear. I wondered who
he was calling, but did not dare speak in case it was important;
he did leave me confused when he put the call on speaker.
When the person picked up, my heart constricted and I held
my breath, “What is it, bitcoin?” I heard Hanma on the other
side of the phone, clearly bothered by the call. “Where are the
brothers?” Koko asked, making a shushing motion to me when
I let out a shaky breath. “How the hell would I know? Did you
forget their leash or something? If you can’t find them you
better do it fast, those fuckers are crazy.” He let out a dry
scoff, clearly it was the pot calling the kettle black, but it made
him laugh to say so. In the background, I couldn’t hear the
usual echo each of his calls had, which meant he wasn’t at his
office, maybe he had a day off? I caught myself off guard
when I did not feel as bad as I did moments ago when I
thought he had sent Ran. “So you didn’t send them at
Silas&Sons?” Koko asked. I shook my head at him, mouthing
him to stop, but he smiled and turned his back on me. “Mmh?
Why would I do that?” I replied, instead of Koko, earning
myself an annoyed sigh from the man.
“Because you were mad this morning? I won’t ask for
anyone’s fucking number again, you won! I’ll just—” I sighed
and wiped my tears, “I’ll get the files and I won’t get caught
by the police, you’ll see.” I needed to take a deep breath
afterwards, my chest heavy in fear Hanma would get more
upset. His attitude had ticked me off, though, and stuck with
me the entire day. It felt good to tell him about it, but I didn’t
realize how much not wanting him to get upset with me meant
to me. “Don’t think of me as this low, sweetheart. It’d be stupid
of me to make you cry and not even be there to see it, come
on.” He cooed playfully, the smile on his face could be heard
and while it made things more familiar, I did not want to hear
him anymore, so I pressed the red button on the screen and
hung up.
“I don’t think you should have done that.” Koko started. I
watched him shove his phone in his pocket and scoffed dryly,
“And I shouldn’t have gotten beaten up for no reason, yet here
the fuck I am, Kokonoi! For people into organized crime, you
seem to be struggling to keep the order in your own little
gang.” I was getting in over my head, I knew I should be more
frightened than this, I knew I should be fearing for whatever
was to come if I crossed paths with Ran again. Instead, I
turned that fear into anger and frustration. Kokonoi was the
one on the receiving end. Turning around, I lifted my shirt
slightly to look at the forming bruises on my stomach. Koko
spoke behind me, “The Haitani brothers are too free spirited
when together. And all I meant was that Hanma hates being
talked to like that, hanging up on him is even worse.” With the
weird angle my head was in, I still replied, “And I hate being
treated like shit, maybe it shouldn’t all be about him and
should be about me, don’t you think?”
He seemed taken aback judging by the short silence that
followed. When he chuckled, I looked up and turned around,
surprised. “Glad you’re getting your spirit back, stop crying
and you might look like something.” He said with a half-smile.
Clasping my hands on my face, I wiped the tears then went to
the sink to pat some water on my puffing skin. As I did that, I
heard Koko talk again, “Give me your phone number. You’re
right, you should be able to contact other people in case
Hanma isn’t in a good mood.” Knowing my number by heart, I
spelled it out without missing a beat, then dried my face and
held his forearm hesitantly as I asked, “You’re not messing
with me, right?” “They’re all fucked up, I’m just in it for the
money. Sure, it’s fun to beat people up, but for now you don’t
seem like the type of people I’d beat up so you can breathe.”
I let out a sincere laugh. This was what I was reduced to,
finding it funny to hear a guy would find enjoyment in beating
people up but not me, because I was on his good side right
now. “I’ll send you a text with the numbers of other members
that are not that crazy. Get yourself together and get those
files,” He turned around and stopped once he was on the
threshold of the open door, “You should also get your ribs
checked because you’re breathing funny.” With that he nodded
my way then closed the door. I did not waste time and cleaned
myself up enough to look like nothing had happened. The only
thing that could give it away was the red in my eyes from
crying, but otherwise I had managed to clean up just fine.
I straightened my back before opening the door wide and
leaving the bathroom with a bored expression on my face;
whatever face I had the entire day looked guilty, which meant
I had to try harder to hide how I truly felt. It did not take long
for it to be tiresome, Koko was right in thinking something
was wrong because my breathing felt heavier than usual and I
was already physically exhausted from the beating I had taken.
But I still managed to find an idea to get all the info we
needed, without looking suspicious. It was risky, but I did it,
still. With a very sweet face, I walked up to a police man and
called out to them. “I don’t know if it could help, but perhaps
the other people on the board could help? I could print you
their information, so you could reach out to them more
easily?” They probably had the information on their servers—
after all, it was the police—but the man shoved a hand in his
pocket. I was almost convinced he was puffing his chest out,
but I’d let it pass as him straightening his back.
“It would be of great help, ma’am…?” I knew that trick, he
was making sure I was not married or anything as such, so I
told him my name, that I was a miss not a madam to which he
chuckled, apologizing. Glancing at his badge, I nodded and
smiled, “I’ll return with everything you need, officer
Hansuke.” He waved his hand in front of himself and shook
his head, “Call me Shuusuke.” He chuckled. Meeting his
laugh, I smiled politely once more and went back to my office.
When I entered the room, I was welcomed by my Junior who
seemed very excited. “Boss! I know it sounds unprofessional,
but would you like to join me and my friends to this
Halloween costume party? Maybe it’s not your cup of tea,”
Caught off guard by her request, at first I held her shoulders to
push her slightly back considering how close she was. She
quickly apologized before pressing the matter with a smile.
“I’ll consider it, would you mind texting me the details? I need
to give some documents to the police.” “Absolutely! That’s so
cool you’re helping, if I can help—” this time I cut her off
with a nervous, but still polite laugh. “How about you find me
a costume? I’ll get the document to them in the blink of an
eye, no need for your help.”
That seemed to have done the trick. Rai hurried away with a
smile on her face while I shuffled to my desk as casually as
possible. I made sure not to hide anything, not to act
suspicious. After all, no one was probably watching. Most
people believe they’re being watched, criticized, judged all the
time, but if you asked someone you work with what kind of
shirt you wore the day prior, most wouldn’t be able to answer
because no one cares, no one pays attention. And that’s why I
got away with it. I printed every detail on everyone in the firm,
making sure to make a copy for myself and take it from the
printer without a hitch. On my way back, a colleague asked me
why I had so many papers in hand and tried to glance, but I
looked over his shoulder with a nervous smile, “It’s for the
police man over there, they need it since we are looking for
Eisuke—can you believe it? He’s missing!” I said in faux
worry.
I knew the man in front of me coveted a chair at the board and
with Eisuke missing, it was an opportunity for him. He
couldn’t care less about his disappearance, I saw it on his
bored expression. “Dreadful—I’m sorry, I must go, have a
great day.” Then he rushed off. After a detour to my desk to
grab two big envelopes to put the papers in, I labelled one with
“Silas&Sons workers details - Police” and the other one with
an accounting cabinet that had nothing to do with anything,
but it gave me a reason to slither out of Hansuke’s grasp when
he’d try to flirt next.
With a poke on his shoulder, he turned around and his face
beamed when he saw me. “There you are, officer, I hope it’ll
help.” He was about to ask me something, but I looked at my
phone and gave him an apologetic smile. “I’m so sorry, I
cannot chat with you. I really need to get this to the post
office. It’ll close soon!” It was a lie. I didn’t care about the
man, I had nothing to post, but I didn’t feel guilty at all when
his face fell only to light back again as he lifted the envelope
and said, “Maybe I’ll text you.” All he received was a well-
rehearsed charming laugh as I made my way out of the
building.
Me: Where should I drop the envelope?
I had sent a message to Hanma. He was in the car when Mikey
had asked me to do that task, so he must have been informed
of the spot or person I should give it to. While I was reluctant
in talking to him, the other choice would have been to ask
Sanzu, if he even had any idea of where I should drop it in the
first place. However, I didn’t have his number and he was too
sanguine to my taste. Hanma’s reply was an address not too far
away from the station, but on the opposite route I’d take for
work, so I walked there. With my fingers drumming on the
envelope, I hummed a tune to avoid thinking back on what
happened in the bathroom. It was hard to do so with the pain
that came every time I took a deep breath. I’d let out a weird
sound in pain and refrain myself from pressing a hand on the
rib when the pain would be too great, I’d just have to bear
through it, there was no other choice. Along with my
humming, I was shivering. Nights and days were getting
colder with time and I had to buy something warmer than this
coat I had. Autumn was slowly fading into winter and I could
feel it in my freezing bones.
Sliding the envelope in my coat, I closed it over it and hugged
myself tight as I let out a shaky breath. Luckily, I could see the
building ahead of me, only a few meters away and I would
reach it. I was almost convinced most people I saw entering
that building were rich people or suspicious ones, really. But I
was also aware that rich people were suspicious, none of them
ever earned their money legally, or ethically; it wasn’t hard
earned money, it was simply shady stuff.
With that thought, I finally reached the building and stopped
for a moment when I saw a doorman at the entrance. Fully
dressed in black: gloves, scarf and hat, the only thing that
stopped me from being intimidated was when he smiled
politely. It was enough to invite me closer. “Hi, can I just walk
in? I need to get to the penthouse, or maybe you could give it
to—” Moving from his spot, the man opened the door and
waved for me to get inside, “Go ahead, take the elevator. It’s
straight ahead, I suggest you give it to him yourself.” There
was some seriousness in his tone, as if what I had told him
shook him to the core or perhaps had he had a realization with
my words. Whoever was upstairs seemed scary enough to
frighten someone strong enough to be a bodyguard, which
only made my body run colder than it already was from the
weather.
Following his instructions, I thanked him and got in the
elevator, still a bit thrown off by his uneasy gaze when I got
inside. When the door closed, I watched him turn around and
focus back on the street. The building was tall and since I had
been told to go to the penthouse, it made the ride a lot longer
than expected, but I found comfort in the warmth of the
elevator. For just a moment, there was no one around me. Not
much pressure, except for the one to drop this envelope to this
random person, then I could leave and rest at home. I was
almost sure I would not see Hanma until he’d need me again,
which could be days, weeks or maybe more. And since no
other members of Bonten ever visited my house but Koko,
there was also some relief in that. I should probably swing by
the pharmacy to get more bandages and wrappings, if I keep
getting beaten up like this it won’t be long until…
I did not want to think more about it, fortunately that’s when
the doors opened and I was greeted by a small corridor. There
was one window on the side that I glanced at as I walked to
the only door on the floor. With how sick I felt from the pain
and the stress, I knew that if I looked down that window I’d
feel dizzy and throw up, so I knocked at the door and got the
envelope out of my coat, ready to hand it over to whoever was
in that room.
The clunk of the door chain unlocking made my heart beat
faster in apprehension, soon followed by the sound of the key
turning in the key hole. The door then opened and my heart
jumped out of my chest. My brain stopped working for a few
seconds, I’d later realize what it meant, but right now I only
stared as my face heated up. “Well, well, I knew you’d come
crawling back to me, but not that soon.” Hanma cooed as he
stretched his arm on the door frame and leaned over slightly to
tower over me. I couldn’t help but glance down at his
gorgeous body from how his expensive bathrobe accentuated
its shape, my eyes trailing down at his boxers that hung low on
his hips—“My eyes are up here, doll.” In panic, I looked up
and pressed the envelope on his chest, but he didn’t take it.
Instead, he leaned back from the door and opened the way,
“Put it on the table.”
Leaving his side, I walked to the table but as I did so, his hand
slid on my neck to move my hair out of the way. I moved it
right back where it was when I reached the table. His laugh
echoed behind me, I had yet to speak any words to him; I
wasn’t sure if I was mad at him or if I was relieved to see him,
it was weird. Was I mad that he let me believe it was someone
else I was going to meet or that I thought he had sent Ran to
beat me up? Or was I relieved that it wasn’t someone else…
Maybe I was relieved it was him.
Once I placed the envelope on the table, I caught a glimpse of
a paper with the name of a funeral parlor along with his info. I
slid the envelope aside and looked down discreetly at it, his
name was in the title, then the choice for a casket or
cremation, the choice of music—“I can help you make yours,
if you’d like.” Hanma’s voice was right next to my ear,
followed by his large hands resting on my hips as he pressed
me against him and one of his palms traveling to the inside of
my thigh to rest there. I did not tense; instead, I welcomed his
touch, for once it wasn’t rough but lazy, almost gentle.
“Why?” I asked. “Because I’m that nice—” “No, why are you
arranging your own funeral?” I asked again, not moving.
Humming, Hanma helped my coat off my form and threw it on
one of the chairs by the table before placing his hands back
where they were, “Who else will do it?” He asked in a sing-
song voice, “You can never be too careful, I don’t plan on
being tossed in a ditch, doll.” He continued before trailing his
hands to my shirt and letting his fingers linger on the buttons,
not doing anything more. I stopped him instinctively, his
huffed laugh going down my neck and chest from how his lips
were lazily placed along my jaw. “Can I trust you?” I asked
under my breath, the feeling in my chest too heavy to not talk
about what had happened at the firm. The tattooed man
lowered his head over my shoulder as the hand that was not on
my thigh caressed its way up my body to rest on the side of
my face and help me rest my cheek against his, “If you’re
asking, it means you already do, but you wanna make sure you
should be doing that—” “Did you send Ran? Please be
honest.” I felt his hand tighten around my thigh enough to hurt
before he completely stepped away from me. His head tilted
back, he ran his hands through his hair and let out a sigh.
“Maybe I should have? That’s what you expect of me, isn’t
it?” He peeked from behind his hands through parting two
fingers and looking at me on the side.
“No!” I said a bit too loudly I quickly place a hand on my rib
and winced, but continued while Hanma’s hands fell to his
side and into his pockets, “You’ve tested me so many times,
what’s stopping you from doing it once again?” A small smile
made its way to his lips as he approached me once more, his
hands leaving his pockets and delicately holding my wrists, “I
hate liars.” He spat with a serious expression before tugging
me with him to push me back on the couch and stand behind
it, “Why did you think I had sent him?” He was annoyed but
continued in a lighter, more mocking tone, “Have some faith,
doll, I’m not a maniac.” Sitting up properly, I threw my legs
on the side of the couch. The shock from hitting the couch so
suddenly made it more painful, but I ignored it and threw him
a glare as I thought longer on the reason. I had a fair idea on
why he’d do it, but it all stemmed from my belief that—“You
were jealous. You took it the wrong way when I asked for
someone else’s number and you—” “Didn’t send anyone,” He
finished my sentence before asking another question, “Do you
know why I didn’t send anyone?” His voice was moving, he
was walking around the couch. I let out a shiver and shook my
head but kept it high, without trying to look at him.
Soon enough he was standing in front of me, his bathrobe still
open, one hand in his pocket while the other slowly raised my
chin. My gaze was riveted on his stomach that was at my eye
level instead of looking at him. “Come on,” he said, barely
above a whisper, with some amusement dripping from his
voice, “Don’t act as if last night didn’t happen.” My face
flushed at his words; I looked up at him and gritted through
my teeth, “I’d rather forget it.”
His face twisted in surprise before letting out a loud laugh and
letting go of my chin. Once his laughter quieted, he looked
down at me and said, “Take off your jacket.” “Why? Hanma,
that’s not how it works.” I replied without missing a heartbeat.
A smile drew itself on his lips as he half turned around and
brought the low table closer to sit on it, his legs spread with
his elbows resting on it, “Shuji.” He sighed with a strained
smile before turning it into something mischievous, “Wanna
see something, just do it.” He gestured my way with a raise of
his chin without ever looking away, his gaze as intense as ever,
even half-hooded. With a loud sigh, I mumbled as I took off
my blazer, but not without holding back a pained moan from
contorting myself to fold it on the back of the couch.
When I was facing him again, his playful expression was
gone. “I can’t even enjoy how obedient you are because of that
blood on your shirt.” He said in a bored tone as he stood up
and pinched my shirt at the shoulder, letting go just as fast. His
actions were slow and calculated as he shrugged his bathrobe
off and threw it at me. The kind action was matched with an
annoyed expression on his face while he walked out of the
room and said, “Take that shirt off too, it’s ticking me off.” I
didn’t do what he said, I was too stunned by his reaction. I was
expecting him to make some vulgar comment, to be the usual
bastard he was, but instead he was bothered.
Shaking my head in disbelief, I stood up after a moment, ready
to leave when a hand wrapped itself around my stomach and
pulled me back. “Get back on the couch, I’m not done with
you.” I turned around and looked up at him with furrowed
brows, “I dropped off the thing you needed, I’m done—” He
cut me off by pulling me with him by the arm and sitting first
on the couch as he put down a box next to him. He hadn’t
gotten dressed and yet, he patted his lap, “Yeah, whatever. Sit
down.” The man rolled his eyes but I could see the ghost of a
mocking smile on his lips. I ran my tongue over my teeth and
looked at him without blinking. “What do you think you’re
doing?” I tried hard to be reluctant, but my body betrayed me
when I took off my shoes and stood up once again.
As if talking to a child, Hanma beckoned me closer with his
right hand, “Almost there.” Fully mocking this time. There
was no ignoring my fast beating heart, I could hear it so loud
in my ears I feared I wouldn’t be able to hear him if he
whispered anything. Swallowing my pride, I placed my knee
next to him, then a hand on the back of the couch for balance
before doing the same with my other leg and arm. When I was
balanced, I tried to stay the furthest away from him and keep
to his knees and thighs instead of closer to his stomach. “Sit
tight and be good for me, yeah?” Just as he said that, he did
not waste time and ripped open my shirt, popping the buttons
on the way. My reflex was so fast, I only understood what I
did from the look on Hanma’s face, his face tilted to the side
as he moved his jaw and a smile slowly appeared on his face.
A pissed off, threatening smile.
It made sense to me to slap him after his actions. I didn’t ask
him to do that, I liked my shirt and I felt more than exposed
like that. Suddenly terrified of the repercussions, I tried to get
off of him but he pulled me closer and tutted me, “Don’t
fucking do that again,” He tucked a strand of hair behind my
ear and leaned over, whispering, “Unless my dick’s inside
you, then feel free.” I pushed his face away from mine, I was
more than aware of how it had heated up, but each passing
moment worsened the situation. “Good, it’ll never happen
again, then.” I told him without noticing I was helping him
remove my shirt completely off my form. When he dropped it
on the side of the couch by the box, he draped his bathrobe on
my shoulders and opened the box with a laugh, “She says
without leaving the comfort of my crotch.” Without any
warning, he dabbed something on my ribs, making me wince
and grip his shoulder like my life depended on it.
“I can do it myself.” I said, trying to get the cotton from his
hand, though he had moved it out of my reach. He didn’t say
anything and still stared at my wound, waiting for me to put
my hand back on the couch or his shoulder. When I did, on the
latter, he resumed. “It’s not my fault if I got beaten up, why are
you pissed off like that?” I said between hisses of pain, my
head leaning over his shoulder, almost against his head. “How
would you feel if someone borrowed your toy and broke it?”
He asked dead serious before continuing on a more playful yet
dark tone, “If I broke it while playing with it, it’d mean I had a
lot of fun with it so I wouldn’t mind.” If I understood
correctly… I didn’t want to understand, I only listened
because he wasn’t done. His hands continued their work as he
placed a compress on my rib, “You’re company property now
—I own you.” His hands grabbed my waist tight as his fingers
dug in my lower back, “That means I’m the only one allowed
to touch you, to fuck you, to hurt you.” He punctuated his last
words by moving his hands to hold me at the ribs and pressing
his thumb on the compress, making me grunt in pain as I
moved his hand down.
I don’t know why, but today I was trying to understand him,
that’s why instead of moving off his lap I asked, “Why?” It
made him laugh. I felt his hand travel to my back to press me
against his chest as he rested his chin on my shoulder and
brushed his nose from my neck to my cheek, “Look at you,
playing along instead of being a stubborn little mule and
telling me no.” The softness in his voice was new but not
unwelcome, I even found myself trailing my hand from his
shoulder to his bicep as I tilted my head to the side to let him
do as he pleased. “You’re so docile today, what got you in the
mood, huh?” That was a good question, but he didn’t need me
to reply, he was having his own fun. The grip of his hands on
my hips pressed me against his crotch and I could feel his
hardening cock through the fabric of our clothes; I don’t know
what got into me, but I rolled my hips against his, my eyes
glued to the way he leaned his head back against the couch, his
throat exposed as looked at me with amusement. I stopped
right away upon realizing what I had done and slid my hands
to his chest, ready to get up.
“I’ll get off—” of you, was what I was going to say, but
Hanma cut me right there and finished the sentence for me, “I
was planning on it, go ‘head, hump my dick.” I could never
come out of this winning, whatever I’d say he’d turn it against
me and I was foolish enough to find it entertaining, to see how
far he’d go, how tense the tension could get between us. But
even if I was curious, I couldn’t just cave in, I had to fight
until all I could do was succumb. “I asked, what made you
think you could do those things?” I knew I shouldn’t do that,
but I wrapped my hands around his neck; the pleased smile I
received in return made the throbbing between my legs grow.
Meeting his intense gaze, my hold on him lessened slightly
and he laughed it off as he wrapped his hands around mine,
“Tighter, if the blood ain’t going to my head it’s going to my
dick.” “I asked a fucking question!” This time there was more
determination in my voice as I put more pressure on him,
leaning in more and earning myself a groan of pleasure from
the man as his hands cupped my ass and pressed me against
his cock even more.
His face was reddening, but he did not seem worried as his
fingers slid between mine to pry my hands away from his
neck, then putting them over his shoulder and on his back. It
forced me to lean in, our faces too close to my taste at least
with how little restraint I had today, one wrong move and I
could kiss him. The mere thought made me turn my head to
avoid doing it. I don’t know why I even considered it, but I did
and it was enough to make me feel regrets. “All I hear is my
girl begging for attention,” He dipped his head and kissed my
chest, then trailed down between my breasts where he stopped
and let his hands slide over my undergarment before huffing a
laugh against my skin, “Which part are you interested in today,
doll?” Getting his face out of the way, I threaded my fingers
through his hair and pulled his head back to glare at him. His
eyes filled with pure thrill as his smile widened and he let out
a crazy laugh, “Don’t look at me like that, it gets me even
harder.” He moved his hips alongside mine with an ecstatic
grin.
Seeing him like that sent something coursing through my
body, something close to pride upon being the reason this man
was making me grind against him but also arousal, it made it
so hard to not just go along with his actions. My grip lessened
and was now at the nape of his neck, “Why would you want to
hurt me?” It shouldn’t have been the question, I shouldn’t be
asking anything, what I should be doing is getting up and
leaving—so why was I staying? Why did I roll my hips once
again, my hands both holding tight onto him? Hanma’s focus
was not on my question, instead he was looking at my breasts
and in the glimpse of an eye, he got rid of my undergarment,
leaving me completely uncovered if not for the bathrobe he
had put on my back. I quickly grabbed the side of the robe and
covered myself. I was about to tell him once again to answer
my question when he spoke, “I wanna see you cry, doll, don’t
you get that?” His tone was sadistic, twisted and sick. He
slowly grabbed my hands and moved them from the lapel of
the bathrobe, opening it to enjoy the view before completely
dropping it on the floor and raising me to my knees so that my
chest was at the height of his face.
Spreading my legs more, I tried to still feel his bulge between
my legs—my entire face was heating up by the second. It was
wrong to play his little games, I knew that, but he was so
enticing and dangerous… And he wouldn’t hurt me, not in the
same way Ran did. “That glare? That anger? I know if I break
you enough it’ll vanish.” He started, his mouth between my
breasts as he trailed his tongue to my right nipple and grazed
his teeth on it. If I looked down at him, if I met his gaze, I
knew I’d throw my dignity to the side for those short moments
of pleasure with him. I knew it. But hearing his little chuckle
against my skin as his tongue swirled around my nub—I did it,
our eyes locked and I could not find any strength to look away.
He dug his teeth into my skin enough to make me hiss in
pleasure and pain, then he pulled back to look me up and
down. The longer he looked, the stronger was the urge to
cover myself up. “Think I should mark you up to cover those
bruises?” “Hanma, no.”
He closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a long sigh before
opening them again, “You screamed my name so well last
night, don’t tell me you already forgot it?” Shuji, I knew that
was his name, of course I did. But seeing him get more and
more angry at me for not calling him that felt exciting and my
embarrassment to call him by his first name also played a part
in the reluctance I had. “Let’s recall what was happening when
you got my name right, okay?” Only seconds after, his face lit
up mockingly in surprise, “Oh right!” With that, he slid his
hand in his pants and got his cock out; seeing it, I rapidly
looked away to not stare. I was tempted to when I saw the
length, but held back. He started stroking himself, I could feel
his hand brushing against my stomach as it moved up and
down, “If you can only moan it, fine by me. Guess I’ll have to
fuck you over and over again.” I grabbed his hand,
interrupting him. From there on, I was lost. I had acted
impulsively, but now he was looking at me intently and I had
to do something, anything.
So I moved his hand off his cock and replaced it with mine. I
was so lost in my own thoughts that all I heard was Hanma
praising me under his breath. The tension between us, this
push and pull that we had going on, I felt was pulling me more
than I was pushing it. As time went on, I knew that taut rope
on which we danced would loosen, that’s when I’d fall deep
and fast. Until then, I’d be waltzing carelessly on it, because it
was challenging and it was dangerous, something I never had
in my life. “Taking matters in your own hand, doll?” He was
keeping his attitude, but I could hear how strained his voice
was. No matter the situation, he would keep a semblance of
composure if it meant he was winning. And acting as if what I
was doing wasn’t enough got him going. I looked up at him
and pursed my lips lightly before letting spit drool down my
mouth and onto the head of his cock and resuming what I had
been doing, “I’m just returning the favor of last night, don’t
flatter yourself, Shuji…” He thrusted in my hand, his own
hands caressing my thighs to reach my ass where he rested
them a moment before tugging me against his cock.
“Say it like that again and I’m having you dry hump my dick,
got it?” The little composure I had at that moment left my
body at the same time my common sense did. His tone had
dropped so low it pushed me to keep doing what I was doing, I
closed my eyes to avoid seeing the face of the man that got me
doing such shameful things and rocked my hips back and forth
on his dick. His hold on my ass tightened then I felt a harsh
slap on my left ass cheek, I heard him laugh when I let out a
whimper at the stinging pain before having him meet my rolls
by thrusting against me. All I could do was hold onto his
shoulders as my head was almost resting against the side of
his, breathing with an open mouth. My side was starting to
hurt but I was far from done, I wanted to get him close and
then walk away. I thought I had the upper hand from having
been the one to initiate the action, but when he moved his left
hand to rest my head against his, I let out a shaky laugh at the
tender action. However, I wasn’t mocking, instead I was
beating myself up for enjoying it—for enjoying the way his
fingers threaded my hair and gripped the roots as he brushed
his nose down my neck, “Shuji, what are you doing?” I asked
breathlessly. I was enjoying myself too much; sure, I could not
get off because of the fabric separating us, but he was losing
himself and it made me throb at the sight.
“Tell me what got you going like that, babe?” He breathed
down my neck as he left small bites all over my shoulders
before trailing to my breasts while his hand was rubbing my
ass, preparing for the slap that followed, making me gasp
again. “Is it that I own you?” He left a trail of saliva on his
way to my face, his grin ever so wide and slightly open from
the groans escaping it at each of his thrusts. “Or is it that I’m
right? Look at you, enjoying my touch so much.” He forced
my head back and kissed my throat, his smile never leaving
his face as he tilted my head forth again to brush his nose
against mine. There was no escaping his sharp gaze, he was
looking at me as if he knew all my deepest secrets, as if he
knew better than me, he knew what was good for me. “My girl
got treated like shit, it’s only fair that I treat her just right, no?”
I tried to move my face from his, but he brought me back
roughly, his lips hovering over mine as he gritted through his
teeth, pissed off, “How bad could it be to seek comfort in my
arms? I’m giving you free reins, give in and let loose a bit,
doll.”
Chuckling, I ran my tongue over my teeth before whispering
against his lips, “You’re crazy thinking I’d ever become like
you.” The pride I had in telling him that turned into shame
when he laughed before pressing a hungry kiss on my lips and
pulling away just as fast, “That just means I gotta work harder
to break you, your screws are not as tight as they were, doll.
Careful.” He cooed mockingly. I hated how I could still feel
his lips on mine, how I wanted more of it, his moans mixing
with my gasps as he started thrusting more erratically.
“Fucking me isn’t breaking me, if that’s your strategy.” His
nails scratched down my neck to claw roughly at the middle of
my back, “And yet, we both know if I fuck you, you lose.” I
hissed at the pain and arched my back closer to him, earning a
groan of pleasure as he brought one hand to his cock and
started stroking it fast.
He was getting close to release, my eyes flickering between
his grip on his dick and the face of pure pleasure he had as he
kept going. I was starting to get more aroused by the display,
of how his chest was rising fast, swears flooding from his
mouth the closer he got.
The second I considered going further with him, my daydream
shattered in millions of pieces by my phone ringing at the
same time a low moan left the bastard’s mouth. Realization hit
me like a punch; when I looked back from over my shoulder
and saw Hanma grinning like he had won, I also saw the
substance covering both our stomachs.
I did not miss a beat and got off of him. I used his bathrobe to
wipe myself and took my shirt on the way as I hurried to my
bag to pick up the phone. Before pressing the green button, I
took a few breaths and picked up, greeting the unknown
number politely and slightly confused, “Hi, it’s Shuusuke—I
mean, Officer Hansuke. I just wanted to call you to, uh… give
you my number, in case some of you colleagues learn anything
new about Eisuke. Or if you ever need to talk.” There was an
awkward pause while I put on my shirt and was about to
button it, only to see there were none left. With a glance at
Hanma, I replied, “I surely will, is that all?” Of course it
wasn’t, he was probably already breaching a few things by
contacting me from files meant for a case he was working on,
how worse could it be if he started flirting? “Haha, actually, I
don’t know if your friend told you, but she invited me and a
few of the guys to that Halloween party you and her are going
to.” I hated this, inside I was cringing and it made me a lot
more stressed than I had been moments ago.
Suddenly, something warm wrapped itself behind my back.
My hair was thrown over my shoulder as Hanma tried to listen
in, “I’m sure we’ll have fun, guess you already have your
costume. Rai is looking for mine.” I chuckled politely but
pressed the mute button when Hanma decided to say, “A
costume party?” “A Halloween party, I’m going with a few
people.” I said, pushing him away from me, but his hold
tightened as he said bitterly, “You don’t know other people,
that’s why you’re easy to break.” I went to slap him but he
grabbed my wrist forcefully, beaming sadistically as he looked
down at me, “Go ahead, what friends are coming?”
“Work friends, and some dudes from the police.” Anger
flickered on his face, but I knew better. It was no anger, if
anything it was jealousy, that’s why I unmuted and put the call
on speaker for him to hear the man flirting with me. “…and
maybe get a drink or two! I’m off duty, so—” “Sounds fun, the
more, the merrier, but I have to go. See you at the party,
officer.” He corrected me by saying his name, but I hung up
without repeating it. With that, Hanma’s eyes darkened as he
smiled wickedly. “Go with him, fuck him if you want. Pussy-
whipped men are easy to use, we can never have too many
corrupted police officers. They’re the reason why it’s so easy
for us to get away.” I was hurt by his words. I thought this was
the kind of game he liked, to make him jealous, to see what
he’d do. But he turned the tables on me and I took the bait like
a sucker by quickly saying, “I’m not into him—I don’t want to
fuck him. How could you say that?” I approached him and
slammed my fist on his chest as I rose my tone, “How fucking
stupid would I be to fuck with the police after killing
someone? I’m smarter than that! Give me some credit, Shuji
—” “That’s why it’s safer with me, isn’t it?” He snapped back.
In the heat of my speech, I replied like rapid fire, “Yes! What
are you going to do? Tell on me? We’re both guilty, I—” I
took a deep breath and stepped back when I saw how happy it
had made him that I had said that. That’s what he meant when
he said I could find comfort in his arms, and he was right. He
was slowly making me like him, someone that could not find
peace with anyone but him, because he would understand me,
he wouldn’t care if I killed someone again, he would find it
beautiful, what lengths I would be ready to go… For him. To
prove myself to him.
“I’m leaving, I’ll see you at the next errand.” I said seriously
without looking back, because I knew he had won this time.
Just like he had last night, he was on a winning streak that I
intended to break; I wanted him to succumb, to be the one to
lose it instead of me.
No matter how tempting it was to cave in…
To jump from that taut rope far high above and into the abyss
—that was insanity.
Chapter End Notes

That’s a serve my dears, I think it’s some fun stuff :)

Hanma’s a kind man, he wouldn’t hit her now, would he?
Come on, come on… How did we like it? Was it fun? I
swear there is a plot, I’m getting into it, promised….
There is AN ULTIMATE goal, thank you.
Thank you for the support and the beautiful/horny
comments they make my fucking day.
Join me on Twitter for absolutely nothing or everything, I
really don’t know anymore @PhysicalTurian
Words : 9166
Added on 20th November 2021
 Chapter 9
Chapter Notes

TW: recreational drug use (mention) Alcohol

consumption (Safely)
Tags in the fanfiction always apply!
See the end of the chapter for more notes

After what had happened at Hanma’s place, I had gone home

in a hurry. Thoughts rushed through my head, jostling, each
and every one of them had the same topic, the same center of
interest, and it was him. That’s all my head was filled with
until I got home, how far would I have gone if I hadn’t been
interrupted by that call? I had gone far enough to feel shame—
no, not shame… That was worse, I didn’t regret doing it at all.
His face was too pleasing to see to feel remorse and the feeling
of his hands on my skin had been more than welcome. I did
not know how to feel upon finding warmth in the arms of the
man known as The Reaper, a man that killed for fun with the
sole justification being that some of those people were
assholes or bitches. He was free, that was true, but did I want
to be free in the way he was? Could I not enjoy part of him
without tainting myself?
I let out a laugh at the thought when I reached my house and
let myself slowly slide against my door, my knees up to my
chest. “Who am I kidding? I’m already stained and it’s never
leaving, the more I scrub the bigger the stain fucking grows.
The more I think of it the more intrusive the thoughts are!” I
gripped my hair at the roots tight as I rested my forehead on
my arms. He brought the unusual in my life, adrenaline,
danger and provocation followed every damn time. He was
everything I used to hate, everything I used to avoid in favor
of the casual, the safety and what I knew. But he had this thing
to him that drew me in, like an addiction, it was vicious and
sick.
Yet here I was, thinking of him and wanting him. He’s
managed to make me want him.
The worst was that I had felt him do it, it had been a slow
build. But I still fell into his trap, his fingers had pulled the
strings to make me play right into his game, forbidding me
from leaving. I had let him do so. He gave and gave, like a
master filling its pet’s bowl. And I would eat all of it in one
go, barely taking time to enjoy it, craving anything he’d give
me—then he’d be gone for days and I’d be left longing for his
presence or at least what it brought. The sample of that crazy
life he had dragged me into that made my world seem so silly
compared to the one he had been a part of for so long. When
he was not there, all I could do was manage, fare. The taste of
that old routine I had was bland, but I had to get through
because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t see him again, I wouldn’t get
my fix. The mere thought sucked the energy out of me and
forced me to my bed after I had eaten.
I did hear my phone ring when I’d received a message right
before going to sleep, but I was too tired to check.
All I could think of was that I’d see him sooner or later, with
another errand that would have me stray further from the path
I had taken my whole life. The thought itself was not as
frightening as it used to be, it was almost an afterthought, one
that followed my stupid consideration… If we lived closer to
one another, would he visit? Would I see more of him if that
were the case? I was an idiot to think that—oh I knew that, of
course—but I couldn’t stop thinking of when I’d see him
again, when I’d feel him close to me, his breath down my neck
and his hands all over my body. I smiled in my exhausted
daze.
I’m fucked.
The following morning I checked my phone upon waking up,
surprising myself when I saw a text from Hanma; my heart
jumped in my chest, making me put my phone down rapidly
before even checking the message. How much lower could I
get? “Fuck that, not this early in the morning.” I grumbled as I
rolled out of bed to freshen up and get dressed. To feel
productive, or maybe to busy myself instead of thinking of that
sick man, I did the laundry and cleaned around a bit. After all,
if my soul was not clean, my house could at least get a
semblance of order. Now, there was only so long it could take
to clean up a house like mine, I was done a lot faster than I
thought I’d be.
So I checked Hanma’s message.
H.: Left this at my place, doll.
It was accompanied by a picture of the undergarment I wore
yesterday, the same one I had been more than happy to get rid
of in the heat of the moment. The same moment that made me
rush out of his place, leaving the forsaken item behind. He was
holding it between his thumb and index, barely touching it.
The second picture that followed was that same piece of
clothing peeking from his briefcase, with a message that said.
H.: Lucky charm from my girl, can’t leave it behind.
I couldn’t believe he was that vulgar, what if he needed
something from his briefcase and someone saw it, what then? I
entertained the thought. They would be too embarrassed to say
anything, what could they do? Laugh at him? They’d get
beaten up, that would be Hanma’s way or shutting them up.
And if they joked about it with him, he’d probably chuckle too
before getting mad. Or maybe he would brag, maybe he would
mention what we had done, who I was, he’d even go as far as
to say I’m his, I was sure of it.
It didn’t sound bad.
Me: Those things don’t come cheap, I’ll need it back.
Sure, I could have told him to keep it, to burn it. But it was
indeed expensive, and above all, it gave him a reason to swing
by.
Me: Clean.
Me: I don’t know where you’re off to, but knowing you it’ll
end up bloody.
He was typing already and as a good little idiot, I was looking
at the screen the whole time while putting on my coat, I even
bumped my elbow against the furniture when sliding my arm
in the sleeve. Swearing under my breath when my arm went
numb for a moment, I went outside and checked the message.
H.: Missing the magic word there
I rolled my eyes at that, of course he had to be like that.
Me: Please, Shuji.
H.: No blood on it, promised.
H.: You should buy sexy lingerie, if I’m gonna have you strip
for me I want you to wear something I like
That was my cue to lock my screen and focus on my day. It
was bad enough as it was and knowing myself, I would do
something regrettable if I kept texting him, something like
checking shops that sold lingerie or things in that area. I found
it a lot easier to forget about him when drowning in paperwork
and since I did not receive any more messages from him that
day, there were no distractions either. Only professional
interactions and some planning with Rai; since online
shopping made it a bit harder regarding sizes, we were going
to go shopping on Halloween and find a proper costume for
the party. It was a bit too last minute for my taste, but I was
already out of my comfort zone by going on such a casual
night out with one of my coworkers, so why not make it
worse?
As time went on, however, I did not receive any messages in
the evening either.
I didn’t think it out of the ordinary, after all that’s how he did
it. Very few messages, too much flirting and inappropriate
comments, then he’d come back when he’d need something. It
only happened once, yet I felt like it’d become a habit because
to him ties were weaknesses, why would he need ties with me?
Why would he want any? This game of his, as entertaining as
it was for him, might become the end of me. I had come to that
realization when after so little time, I checked my phone and
saw nothing, once more. My finger hovered over his contact
info, I stared at the screen intensely thinking of what bad
things could happen from this stupid phone call. He could be
busy and wouldn’t pick up, but would he get mad at me or
would he tease me about it? Both of them seemed to be
making my insides go crazy already—and if he did pick up, he
would for sure make fun of me, saying how I was already
missing him.
My pride was stronger than that, I decided against calling him.
I could live without having any news from him. And who
knows, maybe he’ll swing by tomorrow and be a bastard as
always, was the most foolish thought I had before going to
sleep.
Because I also believed if I had pressed the call button, it
wouldn’t have been like that.
Because I didn’t hear from him again for three days after that.
Three whole days of nothing.
It’s like he had disappeared off the face of earth. Or maybe
what differed from the first time he had done it was that this
time I felt his absence, I was missing him. Some might even
compare that feeling to withdrawal, but I was not in such a bad
state to be shaking and hurting inside just from not seeing the
man. I had expected this of him, I wouldn’t care—no… I
shouldn’t care, I was not allowed to care when it was him
because he would be doing that without feeling an ounce of
remorse. It was his lifestyle, having to lay low after doing the
most atrocious things just to avoid getting caught.
But laying low didn’t mean not sending a text. So, even if I
shouldn’t have, I cared.
I let out a dry laugh, being mad or frustrated was not an
option, he hadn’t signed up to be some emotional support of
any kind. He was nothing to me, I was nothing to him. He had
forced me into this lifestyle, all I could do was live like
nothing had happened until he would waltz right back in.
Only, I didn’t think it’d be so fast.
On my way to the mall, I had called Rai to tell her I’d be
arriving soon. She’d said she was with her friends already and
they’d gone get a smoothie, even sweetly asking if I’d like
one. Since it was a situation that required less of a power
dynamic, I thought it’d make her more comfortable if I
accepted and did just that. Perhaps I also wanted one, it had
been a while since I’d gone out for some other reason than
dining with clients or higher-ups. I deserved some rest and it’d
allow me to forget about Hanma, to focus on tonight’s party.
Shoving my phone back in my pocket, I stepped in front of the
automated door which opened with a muffled whoosh. The
warm air from the heater hit my face, sending shivers down
my spine. The temperature was a lot different from the one
inside, forcing me to take my coat and scarf off and drape
them on my arm. “All I need to do is find the smoothie shop.”
I mumbled as I looked ahead already, hoping there was a map
that could help me.
I was thrown off guard when someone forcefully pulled me to
the side, covering my mouth in the process to stop me from
screaming. My first reaction was to grip their arms and claw at
them, trying to turn around to see their face. Yes—those were
my first reactions, but my first thought was what scared me the
most. In my mind, the adrenaline shot up to the roof and for
just a fraction of a second, I wondered if I would have to fight
for my life, if I would have to pull out my gun and I found the
thought exciting.
My face hit the wall of something metallic, the sliding sound
of metal against metal also followed then my gun was pulled
from my back. I thought it’d be cocked against my head, but
the person with the leather gloves put it against my back
before pressing their stomach against it.
The smell of cigarette and strong perfume hit my nose and
memory at the same time the familiar voice said, “At this point
I could fuck you against the wall, you wouldn’t even bat an
eye.” Hanma said as he let go of my mouth, but still kept
himself pressed against my back. I struggled against his grip
all while saying in a pitiful attempt to justify my weak
fighting, “I was waiting for the right opportunity. You had the
element of surprise on your side, I had—” “You had a gun, but
clearly you’re a bit too slow to use it.” He drawled as he
moved his head over my shoulder to look me in the eyes. I met
his gaze with an angry look while he smirked mockingly at
me. If he was in such a playful mood, I didn’t know where this
conversation would lead since clearly he wasn’t here for
business, judging by his hands moving to turn me around to
face him. “Or maybe you knew it was me and you like it
rough?”
I laughed to his face while he used the back of his hand to
caress my cheek and get my hair out of the way, but inside I
felt warm upon seeing he was alive and well, “Oh absolutely!
What I wouldn’t give to have you fuck me against the wall of
a—” I looked around to understand where we were, then
looked him dead in the eyes. “Photobooth. Most women dream
of that.” Oh, the look he gave me made me feel so small in
such a good way that I wanted to keep going, but I understood
he had a word to say so I stared right back at him, my mouth
shut. “See, doll, I think you’ve got a case of…” He trailed off
and approached his lips to my ear, “…down bad.” He
whispered under his breath before pulling back and smiling
down at me with something I hated to admit having missed,
arrogance. He knew what he was doing and he was not wrong
in his statement, only I was not going to tell him that.
He continued, “Because I don’t remember saying I’d fuck you,
but if you asked nicely, I might consider it.” He was dressed in
a long coat and the gloves on his hands made him look even
scarier, like he wouldn’t leave a trail behind him. He could
grab my own gun and kill someone with it—they would think
I’d have done it. Without looking away, I took his hand by the
tips of his fingers and pulled the glove off; I saw his face light
up with something I had never seen before, how thrilling. “It
starts with a glove, then you’ll be all over me trying to get me
naked. How bad of you, doll.” He said playfully. With his still
gloved hand, he grabbed my arm and forced me to sit on the
unmoving stool in the middle of the booth. He stood right
behind me as he dug in his pockets for some coins to start the
machine, not one word uttered between us as he did so. When
he was done, he had to lean over a bit so that his head was in
the frame, his arms lazily draped over my shoulders and barely
wrapped around them too. Looking at his arms, observing
what he was doing, I was about to ask something when he
forced me to look ahead by gripping my chin with his
ungloved hand and with that stupid grin said, “Start, it’s a little
souvenir.”
Pressing start, I watched the numbers count down while
enjoying his warmth behind me, the familiar feeling of his
body against mine and his breathing down my neck. I met his
gaze in the reflection but couldn’t bear the silence any longer.
He was doing this on purpose and if it was to force me to
speak, then he had won. At 3, I asked, “Where were you the
last few days?” At 1 he smiled, and at 0 his mouth was right
against my ear—click, “What, like you missed me?” My eyes
widened, my cheeks warmed up—click, and I tried to push his
face away—click, but he forced me to look at him all while
smiling in pure pride—click. Maybe I did miss him, but I was
not the one to blame, he had been the reason I had turned out
like this.
I tried to lean over, wanting to get a taste of those lips that
talked bad without ever stopping, the same lips that made want
to hate him and fuck him at the same time; he leaned back
laughing—click.
Hurt was written all over my face only to be replaced by pure
shock when I thought he’d lean in to kiss me, but simply
ghosted his lips against mine, his expression now serious—
click. If not for the light tone he had used, I thought he had
been mad. Instead, he pushed his luck and said, “Maybe you
should have called, it’d have shown how much you wanted
me,” He pulled back and put his glove back on, his smile more
than satisfied, then opened the curtains of the booth. “Maybe
then I would have given you whatever you wanted.” Hanma
glanced to the side where the pictures had been printed and
looked at the two strips of 3 pictures each. “Which one do you
want? The one with hope or the one where your crush told ya
off?” Of course he found it funny, he was making the most of
it and was elated to have fucked with me at that very moment.
His eyes were focused on the strips while I got to my feet and
walked past him to get my coat that I had dropped on the
ground when he had grabbed me. That stress and anticipation
that had built up during his absence had only increased during
that short moment in the booth, it had been growing and
growing and now—now it all fell apart and I couldn’t muster
any strength to play his stupid game. “Keep the pictures,
bastard,” I started with two big steps his way, stopping right in
front of him to grit through my teeth, “I’m sure your sick little
mind enjoys it,” I poked his temple angrily, he grabbed my
wrist as his smile dropped into a deadly expression and I
continued, “Maybe you’ll even jerk off to it!” I said a bit
louder with a strong pull to get my wrist out of his hold. I was
speaking too fast, I had been humiliated and I was now
fuming, composure completely gone. “I have an even better
suggestion, Hanma, hear me out—you leave for 1 week this
time, yeah?” I should calm down, I was making a mistake, at
any moment he could punch me to take my attitude down an
inch. He wasn’t doing it now, so I took it as permission to go
on.
“Then you fuck someone else right in front of me. See what I’ll
do, huh? You like tests, see what I’ll fucking do then!!” I
needed to lower my tone, I was getting too fired up, I was
about to say something I’d regret. But this fire inside my chest
had been lit so easily, he had been fueling me up, or maybe
simply pouring it on me over time and I let him, only to have
him look me dead in the eyes and throw a match—just to see
what it’d do. Now I was on fire, I was burning, but not with
passion—with ire. Had the bastard been doing all of this just
to see how long it’d take for me to fall for his words, his
actions, his touches?
With a deep breath, I took a step back and clenched my fist at
my side while waiting for him to say anything. There was no
reason for me to stay, leaving should have been the better
option because staying meant he had another opportunity to
fuck with my head. He didn’t speak, he only looked down at
me in a way that made me believe he was mad, or annoyed at
the very least. In a low voice, I said, “Say something, Shuji.”
Why was I calling him by his first name? We had taken a few
steps back from whatever relationship we had, was I even
allowed to call him that? I had fucked up by telling him off,
but it had felt so good to let all the frustration out, even at the
cost of having him be disappointed in me.
“Now it’s Shuji?” His voice had lost its sparkle, its
playfulness. My heart constricted in my chest; I wanted to look
away, however I did the opposite and met his gaze. “Why are
you still here? If I’m a bastard, you should be,” He made a
gesture of shooing me, “Running off, your tail between your
legs!” It was so easy for him to tick me off, why wouldn’t he
apologize? Why didn’t he just do what he’d usually do and
turn it into something dirty, why not tell me when I’m angry it
turned him on, why—“Are you waiting for my permission?
Have I conditioned you that well?” “I’m not—”
“You don’t fucking speak. I let you bark like a bitch, now you
muzzle up,” He brought his hand to my mouth and pressed his
finger against my lips, “and show me how good you are.”
With that he slid his hand to the back of my head and gripped
my nape to tilt it back as he backed me in the corner of the
corridor. “Why would I fuck another whore if you’re already
that willing? Huh?” He asked mockingly as he lowered his
face to my level; when I opened my mouth to speak, he tutted
me beratingly. I pressed my hand against his chest to push
him, but ended up tightening my fist on the fabric of his coat.
“Because even after I humiliated you, I could still fuck you
right here and then, you wouldn’t deny me.” I wasn’t thinking
anything, I was listening to each of his words, maybe hoping
he’d give in to what he denied me in the booth. “So picture
this, yeah?” He quirked a brow, waiting for me to nod to show
I was listening. I did so and he continued while one of his
hands slithered around my waist as the other moved to my
cheek.
“A woman gets sucked into a criminal life, gets harassed by a
criminal of quite a dubious background—she’s sadly forced to
hold a gun, but doesn’t falter when he’s there to guide her,” He
paused and smiled sweetly at me, I was hooked on his words
but didn’t know where he was going with that. “Are you still
listening?” I nodded.
“Good. Now, fast forward in time! She kills for him without
him even asking her to do it, can you imagine that?” He asked
in fake surprise. “And that’s barely two weeks in!” He said as
if it was a twist in the story, as if he was telling it to a child. I
hated hearing him talk about it; I had done that, but I had
managed to bury it deep in my mind. Thinking about it made
me so sick. “I’ll skim over some details, she gets fingered and
likes it, even if she plays hard to get; she humps his dick—then
she tries to kiss him.” He smiled sadistically and leaned over,
his lips brushing over the shell of my ear, “Now you have the
full picture. So I’ll ask you one simple question, are you
ready?” My jaw was clenched tightly, I never said I wanted to
hear him sum us up like that. With the weakest voice, I said,
“Go ahead.”
I felt the breath of his chuckle against my skin, then his gloved
hand as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, “Who’s the
one sick in the head?” I was taken aback and let out a muffled
gasp. Hanma smiled at that before leaning back and putting his
hand up as if balancing things on each of his sides, “On one
hand, the criminal who’s been doing this for as long as he can
remember,” His stupid smile widened, he met my eyes and
smirked as he said, trying to ridicule me, “On the other, we
have the desperate, desperate woman who’s trying to hold
onto that little sanity she has left by romanticizing violence?” I
was seething hearing him put it like that, because there was no
way I’d admit I was not well. He was wrong, I was not like
him, I was not planning on becoming like him. And if I needed
to become like him to have him, then that was it. I wouldn’t
try to have him.
“Fuck, silence is so loud sometimes! I’ll fill it by suggesting
one thing, it’s quite easy, even someone as dumb as you could
do it,” He was once again right against me, his head leaned
over as his nose brushed against mine and a wicked grin was
painted across his beautiful features. “Drop the act of being a
good girl, and have fun, yeah?” Without missing a beat, I
replied, “No, I’m not like you. I have a job, I have a life and
—”
He clicked his tongue against his teeth and brought his mouth
to my ear once more, “Seems like your old life’s what’s
holding you back. Let’s get rid of it and set you free, little rat.”
I frowned upon hearing his words and pushed him away,
making him laugh in the process. He shoved his hands in his
pockets and beamed at me before saying, “The rat was dumb
enough to get caught in a trap, it might hurt to get you free but
it’ll be worth it, don’t you worry. We’re gonna have fun, doll.”
With that, he turned around and left the mall without even
listening to what I had to say about it. It was ominous and I
knew I should fear his promises, his little schemes, he had
been a piece of shit and a real bastard.
But it meant he wasn’t leaving me any time soon.
Before I could dawdle on the thought, I heard my name being
called and faced the people calling me, seeing Rai and her
friends who were waving at me with a smile. “Are you ready?
We got you a smoothie!” Rai said excitedly. With a shaky
breath, I took a hold of myself and straightened my back. Act
as if nothing had happened, she doesn’t need to know
anything. I was here to have fun and relax, and that’s what I
was going to do.
The first stop was a little restaurant to get a snack before really
starting the hunt for a proper costume. Rai took time to
introduce her friends, one had long brown hair that faded to
blond, her name was Shiho, while the other had a short, ginger
cut, Aiko was her name. Another friend of theirs was going to
join us at the club, since she already had her costume—she
was going as a witch—she thought it better to stay home.
Once we were seated, with Shiho next to me and the two other
women in front of us, Rai started the conversation off strong
by directing a question my way while we were looking at the
menu. “Who was that guy with you by the booth? I didn’t
know you had a boyfriend!” I choked on my saliva all while
putting the menu down and smiling in what would be
perceived as a coy manner. “He… we aren’t dating. He’s one
of the newest investors of the firm, I simply stumbled upon
him and we had a heated debate about some… of his
incentives, let’s say.” Her face lit up, she understood and sat
back on her seat after having leaned over the table on her
elbows.
The two other women were pointing at the menu, debating on
what to take which prompted Rai to speak again, “Are you
sure you’re not into him? He’s tall, very handsome—if you
have his number you should invite him to the party! He
seemed into you.” She smiled sweetly. The pang in my chest
hurt more than I thought it would, with a forced shyness I
waved her off. “Business stays business,” more like, I don’t
mix crime and normal life. I was being fake when I continued,
“The policeman is already coming with a few of his friends,
isn’t he? This should be fun.” She started gushing about them
and the current investigation. I was glad she had dropped the
topic, even if it meant I had to fake interest in a man that
clearly stepped over his work boundaries by contacting me for
personal purposes. At least he hadn’t texted me in the past few
days, maybe he was not that bad for someone part of the
juridical system. I wondered while talking with everyone and
eating happily if the man was corrupted or if he was good—as
good as Man could be, at least.
Huffing to myself, I could hear Hanma’s words echo in the
back of my head, everyone has a price—may it be money,
power or to get rid of someone, it was never hard to turn
someone to the sinful side. And maybe that cop would be
funnier if he was corrupted, how boring would it be if he was
just kind? I did not know him, but if that was the kind of
person he was, I felt this urge to see if he could be mean,
instead of being a good lawful puppet. I had to force myself
out of my thoughts from how unusual it was of me to think
like that. What was wrong with following the rules and
helping out?
Thankfully, it was time to leave and start the hunt for the
perfect costume. It allowed me to drown my thoughts and
focus on having the fun I had been determined to have. Now,
at first, all we could see were poorly-made outfits, some were
too slutty or too ugly to even be considered to be worn. That
was when we decided to put something together, to buy the
accessories while the outfit could be something else entirely.
Without losing a second, Rai said she wanted to be a vampire,
but hot. I laughed at that and looked at the other women
around me. Aiko said she would be a maiden that had axe-
murdered her husband, a dress, an axe and fake blood seemed
easy enough. Shiho went a lot softer than Aiko, “A cat, but
like Rai said, make it hot, you know?” She continued on a note
that surprised me at first, before having me chuckle, “If I’m
going to the club it’s to have fun and I’m surely planning on
getting fucked up.” The ginger wrapped an arm around the
brunette, “Well said, my friend! That reminds me, we should
come prepared.” She then looked at me and raised her chin as
she asked me what I wanted to go as. I had to do some quick
thinking and after following my earlier train of thoughts, if I
was planning on making that cop a bad guy…
“A demon—hot, of course. With the horns, dress, makeup, all
black. And I’ll be joining Shiho’s mindset on getting fucked
up too.” I said before guiding everyone to the clothing shop
nearby, I have a few things I wanna forget just for one night,
was left unsaid. If we all had the same vision of being a
menace and looking drop dead gorgeous, then it was going to
be easy. That is, if we did not take in consideration all the time
spent in fitting rooms, of course. I was not going to complain
about the time they took in there, asking for opinions or some
dresses a size smaller or bigger because I did the same. It felt
nice to do something like this for once, I rarely went shopping
with how little time I allowed for myself and even when I did,
I hardly had anyone with me. A few times I had gone with
some family members when it was close to festivities, if not,
I’d go alone.
Shiho was a lot less anxious than Rai, I could feel the latter’s
stress when she was around me. She would talk a lot faster and
try hard to not be too casual, because even if we were out of
the professional space in which we’d usually interact, we both
were still very aware of the dynamic that remained. Something
Shiho didn’t have, it was enjoyable. While the two other
women were trying out some outfits, we talked a bit. She
already knew a few things about me, like the field I worked in
so I asked hers. She worked with datas from labs, related to
some biological experiments. I’d admit to not understanding a
few things and asking for some clarification. Clearly what she
was doing was important and needed to be meticulous; it was
stressful, she had said, that’s why she needed this night out.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love this job, but they put a lot of
pressure on us. I deserve a little reward for surviving this far,
you know?” Laughing at that, I agreed, “I can’t say I share the
pressure you feel, I’m only doing some corporate stuff.”
She fully turned around and with a deadpan expression said,
“Easy stuff, you should print more money and then no more
problem, no?” I rolled my eyes with a smile and was about to
start explaining to her why we couldn’t, but quickly saw she
was messing with me by the mischievous smile on her lips, so
I pushed her shoulder. “Scientists should just say they found a
cure for X disease, that makes it work, yeah?” She clapped her
hands in front of her, almost making the dresses on her lap fall
by doing so, “Exactly! That’s how science works! God, we’re
too smart—” Our conversation was interrupted when Rai and
Aiko left the fitting booths and stood in front of us with
beautiful dresses on themselves, both fitting their forms in the
most flattering way. I could see from the smile on their faces
they liked it too and were waiting for us to tell them, which we
did without missing a beat. Shiho’s compliment was half-
complimenting, half-flirting which only made me like her
more, she was nice to be around. “If no man approaches you
dressed like that, come to me because I’ll be taking these
dresses off—” Aiko pushed her face with a loud sigh, her
cheeks flushing in embarrassment, “You’re done.”
With a loud laugh, Shiho stood up; it was our turn to try the
dresses we picked. I had gone a lot faster, after all Shiho had
only two dresses to try and the one I had was just how I liked
it, I just needed to make sure it was the right size. It hugged
my form how I liked it. I had picked a black dress with a slit
on the side that started at my hip all the way down the hem. If
I wanted to use my charms to the best of their abilities, I
needed to give a glimpse of the assets after all. A shame he
won’t be there to see it, I thought without realizing what had
just crossed my mind. Looking at myself in the mirror, I
turned around to different angles to imagine myself with the
heels I had in mind that would go well with it. I checked how
easy it was to raise the dress above my waist, to let the sleeves
fall from my shoulders and expose my body. I could almost
imagine his tattooed hands traveling up my arms to stop at my
neck and slowly trail back down to let my sleeves drop from
my shoulders.
“Lovergirl, are you done? If you need a helping hand, don’t
hesitate!” I heard Shiho say playfully, startling me in the
process as I took off the dress and got dressed back in the
clothes I had before. There was no explaining my need for this
dress to give an easy access to my body, I didn’t want to fuck
the cop, so why did I want to make it easier to get fucked in it?
Hanma’s bored face flashed in my head, shit I was still
expecting him to come. If I wanted him so bad, I could have
invited him—for him to refuse and tell me I’m desperate? No,
I had more pride than that, I couldn’t linger on this man that
clearly had fun hurting me.
I thought this in the hope it’d work, even if I couldn’t ignore
this pull in my chest just at the thought of him.
Pulling the curtains open, I smiled softly and lifted the dress.
“This one’s perfect, all we need is the accessories and maybe
some protection and we’ll be set for tonight.” They hollered
happily as we made our way to the next shop, it did have most
of what we needed. For my part, I bought simple black gloves
that went up to my elbow and horns on a headband. I already
owned a purse that was big enough for any necessities I might
need out there and Rai happily suggested to get dressed at her
place. So, with a detour by my place to get the purse, we got to
her place after getting all that we needed from the mall.
Her apartment wasn’t too far from the firm, which explained
how she always got there on time. The inside of it was a real
mess. Just like the girl’s energy. “Should we get some drinks
before getting there? We should all do three shots once we got
dressed, at least! For nerves, courage and luck!” Aiko said.
Her energy was matched by Shiho who pulled her dress from
the bag and started getting ready as they spoke. I joined them
and put on the dress before wrapping a towel around my neck
to not dirty it when putting on the makeup. The chatter around
us felt like the one there would be in the girls’ changing room
in highschool, it felt like a throwback in a good way to have
other people around me. Even if I had met these people
recently, it was comforting to hang out with normal people
without stressing over anything but the time left before we’d
have to leave. Shiho had opened a wine bottle while we talked
and poured all of us a drink that I couldn’t drink at the moment
with Rai’s hands on my face, her mouth half-open from how
focused she was on painting my face. “No, because, when I
say I wanna get wasted I mean—the first guy that looks hot
enough or crazy enough, I’ll go for him!” Shiho said while
painting her nails.
“They say the crazier the man, the crazier the sex, right?” She
continued. Chuckling, I tried to look at her in the reflection of
the mirror, only to have Rai force me to look back at her with
a fake-annoyance. “I think you’re the only one who says that,
I’m rooting for you though. As long as you’re careful.” I
replied, raising my fist in a combative manner to show her my
support. She laughed loudly, perhaps already a bit tipsy but not
drunk. “Danger’s what makes it hot, why would I wanna be
careful?” Aiko pitched in while doing her hair, “Maybe it’s a
dangerous sicko? If I’m flirting with a girl and she’s being
super possessive right off the bat, I’m running, girl.” For some
reason I was invested in their discussion, but did not
participate in it, because right now I was on Shiho’s side of
liking the danger, even if I used to hate it. “I mean, wouldn’t
you play along just for one night? See where it goes? If she’s
hot, you know?” I had played along for a lot more than one
night, even before finding him any sort of charming, before
thinking him attractive and that had fucked me over, I thought
dryly.
“I don’t know? Maybe, but she has to be really hot though…”
She pondered for a moment then changed her mind, “Nah, I’d
be down bad too quick. If she’s manipulative and I stay too
long I might stay—if she’s into me enough to want to keep me
at all costs, you know…” She waved her hands in front of
herself once again, her head following. “Nope, I’ll find a
pretty girl that’s nice, you take the toxic people, Shiho.” The
ginger said with a laugh that the brunette mirrored without
hesitating. She was putting on her heels and once she was
done, she downed her drink. “Gladly, as long as it’s fun, I’ll
endure anyone’s personality for one night.”
Rai took it as her turn to speak, “I thought you’d be interested
in the cute policeman? Shuusuke’s friends are probably a lot
like him, he seemed kind.” She said softly, earning herself a
dead silence. Her face heated up quickly when we all started
chuckling, Aiko laughing louder than us, quickly turning into a
fit of giggles she couldn’t stop. I was the only one focused
enough to formulate a proper sentence, “Maybe if it had been
a sort of double date or something, sure. But I think tonight
isn’t the night to find someone you want your parents to meet,
it’s more of a… letting out your inner demons—” Shiho
popped over my shoulder and grinned, “Be horny and free, if
you will!” Rai rolled her eyes and smiled without fighting us
on it. Clearly we had a different mindset on what would
happen tonight, but she’d do her thing, flirt sweetly with one
of the men who’d meet us there while we’d try to find
someone fun. At least, that’s what they’d do, I had something
else in mind, something that hadn’t left my stupid head ever
since I first thought of it.
That very much stayed at the forefront of my brain as we
walked to the entrance of the club that was decorated with
pumpkins, candles and fake spiderwebs. Even if it was not the
smartest thing and I was probably doing exactly what he
wanted me to do by going out tonight, he wasn’t here. So I’ll
do exactly as he said, I’ll drop the act of being a good girl and
do my best to corrupt that kind-looking cop that was already
seated at the bar with his friends.
When he saw us arrive, he nudged his friends and stood up
from his stool to greet us with a huge grin. I looked around on
our way to them, the bar was right in the middle of the big
room, the ceiling was pretty high up with lamps hanging from
it and lighting up the room dimly. To the left were a few
couches in a U-shape with people cozily seated in them, some
making out, others chatting while their drink was on the low
table in front of them. In the couch in the furthest corner of the
room were some people that seemed like they were having a
different kind of fun, judging by the powder on the table. I met
the eyes of one of the girls that was slumped on the couch and
quickly looked straight ahead where my friends had started
talking with everyone. On the right was a little floor with
tables and chairs for people less into dancing and drinking and
more into casual discussion, along with a pool table right in
the middle of it.
If I followed the signs on the wall, the safety exit and the
toilets were both on the other side of the bar, which could be
useful for later—“Here, I got you a drink.” Officer Hansuke
thrusted a glass in my hand, a huge smile on his lips as he did
so. I was a bit unsure and discreetly looked at it, taking a sniff
for anything weird as I brought it to my lips before pulling it
away, “You know what? Chug it! We’ve already had a few
drinks, you should catch up first.” I said in a playful way. I
wasn’t interested in him in any way, but I hadn’t seen the
bartender make the drink and even if I didn’t know the man in
front of me, I’m sure he did not keep his eyes on the drink the
entire time he had it. Who knows, maybe he had even drugged
it, but that was too early to tell.
Without even considering I was lying or avoiding his drink, he
laughed and chugged the cocktail, “Fair enough!” Shuusuke
put the glass back on the counter and said something to
everyone before coming back to me and leaning over to find a
reason to place his hand on my shoulder as he asked me what I
wanted to drink. With a forced charming laugh, I placed my
hand on his and met his eyes, “Whatever you’re having is fine,
I’m not picky.” I was just in the mood to get drunk, but I knew
it’d make him like me even more if I liked what he liked. His
eyes travelled to my lips then my dress before meeting my
eyes again and smiling, “I didn’t know accountants could look
like that, I’ll get your drink.” He winked. I had to hold back a
grimace, if he thought that was a compliment he was dead
wrong, but then again I wasn’t expecting anything from the
man. Seeing Shiho walk to the dancefloor, I gave her a thumbs
up and she brought her drink to her lips with a grin, giving me
a thumbs up back. I joined Shuusuke at the bar to keep an eye
on my drink the entire time and took it from the counter the
moment it was done. I held it with my hand above the glass
and waited until his drink was done.
When he was ready, he placed a hand on my lower back and
said very close to my ear, “We should get a seat,” He nodded
towards the couches across the dancefloor where people were
making out; I let him guide me, but did not plan on doing that
just yet. If at all. I wanted something more entertaining, I
wanted to test him. Mimicking him, I placed my hand on his
lower back and started off strong, “What, are we about to do
cocaine? I’m sure the people over there have some.” I made it
so my tone was half-kidding, half-not, he’d go with whichever
he was most comfortable with. I continued, “Didn’t think you
were the type, officer.” I had no idea what he was disguised as,
he was dressed in a white suit but that was it. And it did not
suit him at all, perhaps he should have taken the safe option of
keeping his officer uniform. “Tonight I’m an Italian mafioso,
I’m up for anything.” He chuckled as we sat down far from the
other people on the large couch. Giving him a once over, I
held back a snicker. Instead, I laughed charmingly while
putting my hand on his knee and taking a sip of my drink, “Is
that so? Let’s break some rules tonight, then?”
His eyes widened, then his hand was on my thigh, gripping it
tight. “No kissing on the first date, is that one of the rules we
can break?” He said with his face already close to mine. To
ruin his enthusiasm, I brought the glass to my lips and
shrugged, “Not very criminal of you to ask.” I said
sarcastically. He laughed and placed his arm on the back of the
couch, behind my shoulders and started talking about that one
guy he had caught a while back. Barely 5 minutes in, I had
finished my drink and had to interrupt him to get another. “Do
you need anything? I’ll go get another one.” I said, raising my
empty glass. He shook his head and when I turned around, his
hand slapped my ass. I was quick to give him a glare, he only
grinned proudly, “Did you like it?” I had to hold back a cringe.
Instead I smiled politely, “Don’t do that again, thank you.” He
rolled his eyes and said he understood the message before
letting me go to the counter.
He clearly did not seem to have an ounce of fun in him, there
was no charisma, he was just… a man with a boring job. Once
I was at the bar, I asked for three shots and a cocktail. I was
already starting to enjoy the music more and couldn’t care less
about the loudness of people around me, but if I was going to
have to manage this until the end of the night, I needed to be
dead drunk. Downing the shots one after the other, it burnt my
throat in that awfully good way that made one feel alive. I
thanked the bartender and waited for my cocktail with my
arms on the counter. “So you’re here too?” I heard a familiar
voice say.
My face was heating up from everything I had drank already,
but my body ran cold when I saw who was next to me.
“Rindou? Why are you here?” My hand instinctively went to
my purse to hold the gun I had in it, he placed his hand on
mine and shook his head beratingly, “Don’t be hasty, I’m here
to have fun, not for business.” His eyes traveled over my form
lazily while he rested his elbow on the wooden counter, his
chin held in his palm, “You here with friends?” My eyes
flickered to the glass just placed on the counter behind me and
I rapidly grabbed it, covering it with my hand as I stood in
front of Rindou. “I am. Is it against the Bonten rules to go out
when I’m not a lap dog, or can I have fun?”
He laughed arrogantly while leaning back a bit, a whiskey
glass in one hand while his free hand tapped his thigh a few
times, “Not sure about it being against the rules, but if you’re a
lap dog I’d like to see it.” He said before taking a sip from his
glass and looking at me with a smile I was familiar with on
someone else. It was exciting, even if it made my blood boil—
I needed to stop myself from pouring my drink on him. The
drunker I was, the less I could manage my feelings and it
could end up bad for me if Bonten was here. “I’ll be leaving,
have a good evening.” This time, a voice that ticked me off
joined us, it was Shuusuke “You were taking long, is he
bothering you?” He asked in the most intimidating voice he
had as his hand went to the back of his pants, my eyes
widening knowing it must be his gun he had brought with.
“He’s a friend, I was simply making conversation while
waiting for my drink. No need to be a guard dog.” I said
without thinking. Rindou laughed loudly, almost spitting his
drink which made Shuusuke look at him angrily, as if he was
trying to start a fight for no reason. The purple-haired man got
off the stool and placed his glass down to stand in front of the
police officer. “Heard the woman, she doesn’t need a guard
dog.” I didn’t need this, if those men wanted to fight they
could do just that, but I couldn’t care less. With one step back,
I walked around them and waved off Shuusuke, “Come back
when you’re done proving whatever, yeah?” The officer
mumbled something to the criminal then rushed after me. I
was trying to find Shiho to dance with her, but couldn’t see her
anywhere. When I glanced around the room, my heart stopped
at the sight of her sitting on the couch the furthest in the corner
of the room. She was sitting with a familiar face, a man with
pink hair that was exactly what she wanted tonight. Sanzu had
an arm around her shoulder and tilted her head back while
whispering to her as he placed a pill on her tongue before
kissing her.
When I was about to walk her way to stop that motherfucker
from getting her, an arm wrapped around my arm and pulled
me towards the source. “Thought you wanted a bad guy, now
you’re leaving me?” He said with a chuckle that clearly was
forced, he was annoyed. His arm wrapped around my waist, I
placed my hand on his chest to stop me from getting too close
and shook my head, “Initiating a fight for no reason is not
being a bad guy, it’s just being bad at decisions. Make sure to
differentiate the two—” He cut me off by kissing me
forcefully, his hands moving to my ass as he tried to deepen
the kiss. I was caught off guard and ripped his hands off me
before pushing him off with as much force as I could muster.
“You’re not a guard dog, you’re a dog in heat.” I spat as I
gripped his shirt, I really thought I had the upper hand but he
was a cop, he had some training and gripped my hands with as
much force to pull me with him to the couch. “Playing hard to
get makes it funnier.” When I fell on his lap from his tugging,
I held his shoulders tight and leaned over to whisper, “What’s
fun is thinking of what I’d do to you if you keep touching me
like that.” It was a threat, the more he was being an annoying
shit, the more I felt it justified to pull out my gun and shoot
him.
After all, Bonten could cover it up, right? One less good cop,
we only worked with the corrupted ones and he wasn’t that, he
was just trash. I laughed to myself at the thought and gripped
his chin roughly, “Do you like games, officer?” When he
grabbed my ass again, I slapped him and stood up suddenly,
then looked down at him and asked the question again. With a
clenched jaw, he stood up and replied, “Depends.”
“We’ll play pool. The winner gets to ask whatever from the
loser. Now, it has to be something that’s not too out of their
comfort zone. So play your cards right.” I didn’t wait for him
to reply and walked ahead of him to get to the pool table
where no one was. Rai was at a table with Aiko and some
people they had befriended in the little time we were here. I
didn’t pay them any mind, right now I wanted to fuck this guy
over and get rid of him. If I tried to get out of his sight, he’d
find me again and I wouldn’t be able to help Shiho out of
Sanzu’s grip. I already had a dare for Shuusuke once he lost,
something that’d make him either interesting or run away.
I needed to win, or else, how would I dare him to kill
someone?
Chapter End Notes

I GUESS I’LL UPDATE NOW but only because I’m

busy tomorrow ya little rascals. Hope I fed you a bit :) It’s
only the beginning of the fun, there is so much more to
come mmm the flavour that I will bring. What do we
think? Funny enough I try to foreshadow a few things, I
wonder if yall see some stuff hihi… Anyway a bit of
angst, a bit of fun. Some choices are made through
Twitter votes by the way <3 Join me @PhysicalTurian on
Twitter if you’d like to see me ominous polls babes
Words : 9441
Added on 26th November 2021
 Chapter 10
Chapter Notes

Mention of sacrilegious actions - Graphic depiction of

violence and wounds - Alcohol consumption
Some nice art that inspired me!
https://twitter.com/pok0pok/status/141266441523779993
7?s=20
https://twitter.com/lop_dk/status/1451932964963577870?
s=20
See the end of the chapter for more notes

He wouldn’t do it. I could see the man, he wouldn’t kill. Not

without the justification of it being part of the job. He was
boring, simple, tasteless, bland. That’s exactly why I wanted to
ask him that, he’d think I was a psychopath and would run
away. And if he played along, it would be a lot more exciting
than anything was right now. I laughed to myself again as I
grabbed the pool cue. I needed to get used to the bright light
above the table and squinted my eyes a moment before asking
him to wait so I could get another drink and come back. When
I did, he had already placed everything.
“See, Shuusuke. I don’t like betting on things I don’t plan on
winning, that was your first mistake.” With that, I bent over
the table and aimed perfectly. The bantering after this was
gone, he didn’t even reply to me, he was too focused on the
game. Clearly, he was dead set on winning and blurted, “If a
man isn’t talking shit constantly while doing something, that
means his confidence has taken a hit and he has to use his last
brain cells to think. That what you’re doing, officer?” I don’t
think it was very articulate, but I didn’t care. From his
reaction, he had understood and was getting more annoyed by
the second—it only made me laugh louder. It was loud enough
to worry Rai and have her walk up to me, “Are you alright?
Maybe you’ve had enough to drink, I could get you home…”
“Rai, Rai,” I pressed my index to my lips to shush myself and
her, “I’m trying to beat his ass right now, yeah? I got it, don’t
worry.” I winked before lifting my cue and pointing at the man
in question, “You’re losing, get ready.” With that, Rai went
back to her seat and left me alone to continue what I had
planned since the very beginning of this night. I was more than
thankful for the alcohol running in my blood because if not for
it, I would have been bored to death, but it helped me let loose
a little bit more.
As I aimed this time, when I was about to hit the ball, the man
nudged me ‘accidentally’, making me turn around and hit his
stomach with the larger side of the cue. “Low blow, I dare you
to do that again!” Thinking it was a real dare, or being a true
bastard, he grabbed my cue and threw it on the table, shuffling
the balls and ruining the game as he pushed me towards it and
placing both his hands on the wooden edge. “You lost, I get to
ask you whatever I want.” He said seductively, but there was
nothing hot about this man. “Being insecure about losing to a
woman isn’t charming, get off of me. I’m done with you.” I
said with determination. He had ruined the competition we had
going just because his ego couldn’t take a hit, how boring of
him. Boring, but not surprising; after all, I had no expectation
of him. However, saying I was done with him didn’t sit well
with the man in front of me, he grabbed my hands and tugged
me his way, wrapping his arms around me to stop me from
leaving. “You can stop playing hard to get, I get it, I’m getting
what I want without asking. Stop fighting—” “I’m not playing
hard to get, it’s called not being into you.”
He laughed and stepped back just slightly to have only one
arm around me, still strong enough to stop me from leaving, as
he guided me down the stairs and towards the table by the
door behind the bar, “If that were the case, you wouldn’t be
dressed like that for just a Halloween party, babe.” I gagged at
his words, my jaw clenching as I dug my gloved fingers in his
arms, “Women are allowed to feel pretty without needing it to
be for someone else. It’s called feeling yourself, something
you should try because… your outfit? It’s not it.” I squinted
my eyes mockingly before shrugging his arm off me and going
for an elbow in his stomach, which he instinctively grabbed
without missing a beat. His face contorted in pure anger as he
pressed me against the wall and pinned my arms above my
head, his lips grazing mine as he gritted through his teeth,
“You’re a lot more work than I thought you’d be and it’s
fucking annoying, maybe you shouldn’t have dressed like that
if you didn’t want the attention, huh?” His free hand grazed up
the skin exposed by the slit of my dress and was about to touch
my ass when I kneed him in the groin. With both his hands on
his crotch, I pushed him to hopefully make him lose his
balance, then removed one of my heels to hit him with it.
When he straightened his back, I was ready to open the door
that led to the bathroom and escape when I bumped into
someone. It made me tense and step to the side—the arm
wrapped lazily around my neck stopped me. “Don’t think
you’ve been with many women if you think she’s into you.”
Oh. I knew that voice, I knew that cologne and when he turned
me around so I was facing him, I saw his serious expression
boring into mine for a short moment. He rested his cheek
against mine and continued while looking behind me, over my
shoulder at Shuusuke. “Watch this.” He said as he brought me
closer by placing a hand on my ass and pulling me towards
him, his free hand lifting my leg by slithering under it through
the slit of my dress. To not lose balance, I held onto his
shoulders and said his name in a warning tone, but he wasn’t
done. “You wish you could do that, huh?” Hanma taunted with
a proud laugh. Shuusuke insulted him under his breath, but I
wasn’t paying attention to him anymore. I wanted to talk to
Hanma about what had happened or get him to the side, alone.
I wasn’t in a clear enough state of mind to make a good
decision. “Mommy’s boys ain’t her type, so get out.”
Shuusuke scoffed and stomped away. It made Hanma laugh
and let go of me, his hands traveling down my arms and
holding my hands delicately, which surprised me. “I don’t
know why you’re here.” I said with a frown. I freed one of my
hands from his and gripped his chin to force him to look at me,
something I usually wouldn’t do, but now I was too inebriated
to care. I wanted to go off at him, to tell him I was mad at him,
that he had been a bastard in the booth and I was hurt. Instead,
I felt the stress leave my body just by looking at him. How
crazy was it that he was my comfort in such a situation? My
eyes flickered to each of his, trying to see what mood he was
in, what I should expect of him to see if I could let go around
him. When I couldn’t decipher what he was feeling, I let out a
sigh of relief and with a shaky voice continued, “But thank
you, I thought I could make him fun but he—” “He isn’t me,
you tried to make him bad but he wasn’t the good kind of bad,
was he?” I shook my head and let go of him to step back, only
now taking in his outfit. He was dressed up as a priest—at
least, he was fully dressed in black, if not for the golden cross
and the white collar around his neck. Looking back at him, I
dusted my dress to remove the creases he had made by raising
it. “I said fun, not bad. Turns out he was just rotten and
boring.” I scoffed, my hands dropping to my sides when he
smirked.
“If corrupting a cop is your idea of fun, I’d say we made a lot
of progress.” Usually I would fight it off, I would deny his
implications and tell him I was nothing like him, but tonight
proved he had indeed succeeded in making me bored of my
normal life. I had desperately tried to turn a ‘good’ man into a
murderer, just to feel this thrill Hanma brought, how sick was
that? “I rather liked seeing you try all night,” He said with that
satisfied expression as he stepped closer, his chest against
mine while he looked down at me. “The touches on his knee,
the little bantering…” So he had seen. I hadn’t meant anything
by those, I was just bored. Now that he had seen it, I feared
he’d be mad at me and think I didn’t want him, which was
anything but. “And right when he took the bait and kissed you
—” He dipped his head to brush his nose against mine, making
me gasp silently as I met his intense gaze. I didn’t want to
allow myself to hope; he wouldn’t kiss me, he was a sly fox,
so I didn’t try to either. His lips grazed over mine as he spoke,
“You pushed him away. How loyal of you, even after I refused
to kiss you.”
My heart was beating so fast I couldn’t hear the music
anymore. A bubble had formed around us, it was just Hanma
and I at this very moment. “It wasn’t about loyalty, he was just
not worth my time. What happened today is forgotten, don’t
flatter yourself.” I said with some anger dripping from my
voice. Of course it wasn’t forgotten, of course I was still hurt,
but I didn’t want to admit it to him.
Hanma laughed and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear to
whisper right next to it, “Aren’t you sad your little game didn’t
work? My girl wasted her precious time on a useless pig…”
He cooed mockingly then leaned back to watch my face heat
up. I wasn’t sure where he was going with that, but I felt the
urge to do what he had been doing to me this whole time. I
wanted to turn the tables and make him embarrassed tonight,
so I wrapped my hand around the cross and pulled him
towards me, “What, are you jealous? You’d rather I spent my
time on you?” With a quirked eyebrow, Hanma bent over even
more to approach my face way too close once again. “Jealousy
is for insecure people, I don’t get jealous. I know what belongs
to me.” He grinned wickedly before looking up at the fake
horns on my head, then let his fingers brush over the gloved
hand that was holding him closer. “It would be fun. But
tonight I am a man of faith you see, it would be sacrilegious to
be around someone like you.” He drawled all too happily,
clearly enjoying this dynamic and my poor attempt tonight at
turning that policeman bad.
I could smell the alcohol on his breath, but he didn’t seem as
drunk as I was, not that I was wasted yet. Colours were a bit
brighter and the music certainly was alive, but I was more than
fine and I wanted to spend time with him—even if it meant
taking the bait and starting a game with him. “Sacrilegious,
you say? I haven’t done anything yet, how about you go take a
seat, Father, I’ll show you I can be perfectly devout.” I said
softly, the cross I held now hit his chest when I dropped it and
pointed at the couches. Before he could say anything, I added,
“I don’t want anything between us,” I started, meaning that if
we sat at a table, I couldn’t touch him how I wanted. “It might
hinder my connection with God.” I justified it with a laugh and
a smirk. Inside, I clearly felt like I was overstepping our
boundaries, but his eyes lit up as he looked down at me and
huffed a short laugh. For just a moment, his hand rested on my
ass as he whispered, “Oh, I think you’ve done enough, but
don’t worry, I’ll help you repent of your sins.” He turned my
head to the side then pressed a lingering kiss on my neck. I
closed my eyes, welcoming his lips on my skin, not giving a
damn about what he was doing. That’s why it took me some
time to realize what that was and when I did, he pulled back
and grinned wickedly, proud of what he had done. “You lose if
you beg first, by the way.”
My eyes widened, not sure about the rules of his game, but
there was no arguing allowed since after letting those words
flood out of his mouth; he walked off to the couches. I saw
that simply by standing in front of the people there, he
intimidated them enough to have them scatter away like rats.
With the most content smile, he sat on the couch, his arms
resting on the back of it as he crossed his legs with one ankle
over his knee and the attitude of someone owning the place.
How arrogant could one be? I thought with a scoff before
ordering a few shots and waiting for the bartender to put all of
them on a plate.
“You fooled me, I really thought you were a good girl but
you’re just a bitch in the end, huh?” I heard Shuusuke grumble
into his drink. The man’s poise was so inexistent I hadn’t even
noticed he was there, his friends around him looking at me like
I was the worst person they had ever seen. “Sorry cry baby, I
couldn’t hear you over your pouting. Could you repeat that?” I
said with too much confidence for someone surrounded by
three drunk men. The boring one slammed his drink down and
threw me a glare, “I liked it better when you were bringing me
those files obediently.” Ignoring him, I thanked the bartender
and grabbed the small tray with all the shots balanced properly
on it. I was more focused on not tripping over my own feet
than on the angry man behind me. It wasn’t the best course of
action to take, but when I reached Hanma without spilling
anything over—and without any manhandling from Shuusuke
—I thought it wasn’t such a bad thing. At least now the real
fun could begin.
The criminal’s gaze bored into mine as I bent over to place the
tray on the table and grabbed one for myself. “Consider this
your holy water, Father.” I emphasized the latter playfully
before downing the shot I had in hand and placing it upside
down on the tray. There were still nine left, but I wasn’t sure I
was going to drink them all myself, the feeling it left in my
throat was too disgusting for me to down all of it. “Come here,
with a shot.” He beckoned me closer with one finger, without
even moving his arms. All he did as I approached and stood in
front of him was spread his legs, “Let’s humble you down
first, huh? All pious women should know a prayer is done on
their knees,” He leaned over and rested his elbows on his
knees, then pointed at the ground lazily with one finger. “So,
get on your knees.” He ordered firmly. There is no way he’s
asking me that, I thought in excitement and bewilderment. I
glanced around, not wanting anyone to see me do this. I was
not against it because it was him, because I wanted to see what
he’d do, but I wanted it to be just us, not with all those
strangers around us.
Trying to keep my act up, I handed him the shot while making
sure to lean over seductively, “Already asking me to get on my
knees? You could have started with this if you wanted to
scream the Lord’s name in vain.” I joked while placing my
hands on his knees, making him move his arms so I could
balance myself as I lifted my dress slightly to not dirty it while
kneeling on the floor in front of him. With the overflow of
confidence I had from the alcohol coursing through my body, I
let my hands travel up to his thighs all while looking up at him
with a mischievous smile. “Are priests vowed to—” I couldn’t
finish my sentence before Hanma gripped my jaw roughly and
forced my mouth open with a half-open smile on his lips and a
low chuckle, “Let’s cleanse that filthy mouth of yours first.”
He whispered almost angrily as he tilted my head back and
poured the contents of the glass into my mouth, stopped me
from closing it and made me swallow by tutting me. “I’m not
done.” With that, his thumb dove inside my mouth and as it
was covered with alcohol, he coated my lips with it slowly,
making sure to not miss a spot.
When he was satisfied, his teasing eyes met mine and he
licked his lips. I wanted to tell him to hurry, I didn’t want to
taste that disgusting drink that was meant to be downed in one
go. My wish was answered when Hanma pressed his lips
against mine, his smile never leaving his lips as he did so. I
was too shocked to realize what was going on, all I could do
was kiss him back. I swallowed part of the drink while he did
too, but some spilled down our chins and on my dress. I
couldn’t care less about the mess, instead I was enjoying the
feeling of his tongue in my mouth and his fingers digging in
my cheeks. Wanting to see him, I opened my eyes and saw his
own looking behind me—he was showing off something to
someone, and even if I felt used that he did that… I didn’t say
anything, because I had been waiting for it for too long
already.
After breaking the kiss, I was going to wipe my chin but
Hanma decided otherwise; he dragged his tongue from the
base of my throat to my chin to get every droplet from it—all
very fast. “Now you say my name.” He instructed. And his
name rolled off my tongue effortlessly, practically scurrying
out of my mouth if that was what it took for him to kiss me
again. Oh, how it stroked his ego to see me like that, his lips
curling into a mocking smile as he drawled, “Just like a prayer,
you worship your maker.” To say his words didn’t make me
feel anything would be a lie, I was flustered and ashamed at
the same time. I was failing at being the one who corrupts, I
even feared he’d consider my uttering of his name as begging.
I needed to get myself together.
“Call it baptize, exorcising or whatever you want, at least now
you don’t have that bastard’s spit on your mouth.” Hanma said
as he leaned back to rest against the couch while still looking
down at me. I hadn’t moved at all and it was only because I
was taken aback that I broke out of my daydream. A winning
grin made its way to my face as I rose to my feet and took
another glass in my hand, “I’ll call it showing off, if that’s fine
by you?” With that, I downed another shot and placed it back
before shaking my head at how hard this one hit. Finding it
annoying to keep going back to the table to get a drink, I
placed the tray next to Hanma then looked back at him with a
widening grin. I was feeling myself more and more, the
alcohol was making me a lot more open than I’d usually be
and I was thriving on that buzz. “So all I have to do is make
you moan my name, yeah?” I asked as I placed one hand on his
shoulder to lift my dress again, but this time to straddle his lap.
At the time it felt like a great idea, but later on I’d find it a lot
more embarrassing.
If not for him moving the tray a bit further, I would have
kicked it with my knee when placing it on the couch, so I
mumbled a soft thank you that he may not have heard over the
loud music. “Never said ‘moan’, I said beg. But your idea’s
just as fun.” He started, while lifting my dress. I slapped his
hand off, then gripped it tight to place it on my hip. I saw the
way his eyes trailed to my hips and settled there a moment
while he placed his other hand on it, then held me right there
as he spread his legs a bit. “I’ll still have you beg instead, I
wouldn’t want that piece of shit to hear you moan.” His
fingers dug inside my skin while looking over my shoulder for
a short moment. A wicked smile made its way on his lips and
before I knew it, he had helped me off his lap and onto the
couch; he made sure to pull the hem of my dress down before
dusting himself off and lifting my chin up as he said, “Our
little game is still on, doll, but I have to take care of
something. Be good and sit tight for me.” He looked to the
side and with one motion of his head signaled for someone to
come. While they made their way here, Hanma looked at me
with a gaze that my drunk state would call fondness, but I
knew I was wrong. “Don’t look at me like that, it makes me
wanna rip that dress off.” All I managed to say before the man
joined us was, “What’s holding you back?”
I received no answer from Hanma, instead he focused on the
man that seemed sort of familiar. “No one in the back alley,”
Hanma threw me a side glance then looked back at the man in
front of him, continuing, “Not even the Haitanis, don’t know
where that fucker Ran is, but I don’t wanna see his face.”
Placing his hand on the man’s shoulder, he smirked then
whispered, “If she wants to follow, let her, Kakucho. Could be
fun to see what she’ll do.” I don’t think I was supposed to hear
it, but it still made me frown; I did not plan on following him
anywhere. I felt a bit dismissed that he left so suddenly, but I
wasn’t desperate enough to follow him around like a dog.
Whatever he had in mind was probably insane and I didn’t
need to see it. Settling my eyes on Kakucho, I pointed at the
tray that was too far from me and slurred, “Could you give me
that?” He quirked a brow and lifted the tray from the couch
before handing it to me, however he did not let go of it right
away, he was going to speak but I spoke over him, “If you
want one, go ahead.” Thinking he was still holding it, I let go
to take one but everything fell except for the shot I now had in
my hand.
Nothing slowed down when it happened, I saw it fall and did
not even attempt to grab it. Both Kakucho and I stared at the
shot for a moment, then looked down at how my dress had
darkened from the knees to my feet, alcohol still slowly
dripping down my shins and onto my feet. Lost in thought, I
focused on the small droplet of blood that mixed with the
liquid on its way to the sole of my shoe. Glass had shattered
on the ground and nicked my skin somewhere, so with a bored
expression I met Kakucho’s eyes and said, “Aren’t you going
to clean it up?” Fury crossed his eyes, I almost scooted back
but instead shook my foot to get rid of any glass residue that
could have stuck to it and stood up. “It’s your mess.” I said a
bit too loudly, making the scarred man wince as he pushed my
hand off his chest when I poked him as I spoke. “We have
people paid for that, sit back down.” He said annoyed while
grabbing my shoulders, ready to get me back to the couch.
Smiling lazily, I shrugged off his hands and grabbed them to
hold them in front of him as I shook my head, “I’m—need to
pee, I don’t need help, ‘kay?” With that, I patted his biceps
then gave him a curt smile before turning around and
marching towards the bathroom. It was hard to keep balance
with the lights that kept moving that much and all the people.
I think I apologized a few times on my way there, my hands
holding onto random people for balance or even getting my
hands slapped from them, but my eyes were riveted on the
sign on the wall. The wet fabric of my dress on my skin was
gross and made me shiver from how sticky it was going to be
later, I needed to get it cleaned up even just a little bit. “There
better not be a queue, there better not be a queue,” I opened
the door and was met with a wall. For a second, I was
confused, then noticed the sign that said the toilets were on the
left. Blinking slowly, I made my way there and came out after
freshening up, it was only after the door slammed behind me
that I noticed I forgot to clean up my dress and shin, even if it
had been the main reason for my trip to the bathroom.
Sighing, I looked ahead and felt a breeze coming from the
door. It would feel nice to go out for just a few minutes to get
some fresh air, I thought. Funny enough, I even thought it’d
sober me up, which now that I thought about it, it did. Not in
the way I thought it would, though.
With my hand on the wall, I let it slide on it while I walked
towards the door that led outside. The closer I was getting, the
more noises I could hear. The music from the club had long
since been muffled by how far I was from it and by the closed
door separating the corridor from the party going on inside,
but now it was the drowning silence of the outside that
surrounded me… That, and some grunts, even some thuds and
words I couldn’t hear well enough yet. It could’ve either been
people making out or people fighting, and with the foggy state
my mind was in, I thought both would be fine as long as I was
discrete and didn’t get caught. All I wanted was some fresh air,
I could ignore whatever was going on.
Yes, with a hum I pushed open the door that was already
slightly ajar, “…big mouth now? Huh? Why aren’t you talking
shit now, go ahead, make me laugh!” It was Hanma’s voice,
my heart sped up. His business is shady, I shouldn’t interrupt, I
thought as I peeked my head from behind the door to take a
look at what was happening. Even if I was convinced I was
being sneaky, something fell from the door handle—I tried to
catch it before it could fall, but it hit the ground silently. When
I picked up, I saw it was Hanma’s suit jacket, so I held onto it
before stepping back in the shadows. My name was called
before I could do that.
“Here to enjoy the show?” He said with a wild grin, his hand
tightly gripping the collar of the man in front of him. The
man’s feet were barely touching the ground, or he couldn’t
balance himself well enough. His face was blotched, bleeding
and unrecognizable, or maybe I just didn’t know him at all, but
his eyes were too swollen for anyone to recognize who it was.
My eyes flickered from the man to Hanma a few times, then
settled on Hanma, his face with some blood over it. I let my
gaze wander to his hands, his knuckles split and bleeding, but I
wasn’t sure if it was his blood or the blood of the man he was
beating up. “What are you doing?” If not for the silence of the
night, no one would have heard me from how low my voice
was. “Teaching him a lesson.” Hanma said seriously before
letting go of the man. He scurried to the wall and tried to get
up, but Hanma kicked him in the knees, earning himself a
heartfelt painful scream from the man. “You’re a sicko!! Stop
it already, I—”
At the same moment I recognized the voice to be Shuusuke’s,
Hanma gripped his hair and brought his head to his knee to hit
it with force. He then kicked him in the face, making him fall
to the ground. “You’ll what? Call the police? Come on, you’re
the police! Do something!” Crouching by Shuusuke’s crawling
body, Hanma patted his shoulder in a friendly manner then
dropped his tone, “Get up, I’ll let you try to get a hit, yeah?
For honor and all that, what do you say?” How fucked up was
it that I panicked when he said that—not because I didn’t want
them to fight, but because I didn’t want Hanma to get hit.
“He’s down, you can stop Han—” While standing up, Hanma
moved his finger in front of him, tutting me as he did so, “Got
a name, don’t I?” He approached oh so slowly, like the
predator he was and I felt myself shrink at the feeling he
brought in my chest, how could he make me feel safe and
fearful at the same time?
Once his chest was right against mine and he was towering
over me, that same elated, insane smile never leaving his face,
he used one of his cold, bruised hands to caress my cheek. I let
out a shiver, my hands that were still holding his jacket were at
the height of his waist, so I freed one of them and placed it on
his hip. His expression changed from threatening to surprised
before settling on a sweet smile, “Doll, I can feel your freezing
hand through my shirt, get back inside.”
My face flushed; I was not used to him being thoughtful or
kind like that, and I could still blame it on being drunk and
seeing things, but I didn’t want to. “Then get back inside too.”
A toothy grin displayed itself on his lips as he trailed his
glacial hands down my exposed shoulders, making my hair
rise on my arms. Then, he trailed them back up to cup my face
a bit too roughly, although I don’t think he was aware of the
strength he was putting in it. “Can’t leave this unfinished, the
scumbag might escape and we don’t want that.” He cooed
mockingly. As he let go of me, I saw a shadow move behind
him and looked to the side, but by the time I realized what was
going on, a sound too loud for my tired ears echoed.
The ringing in my ears was all that I needed to know what had
happened.
With wide eyes, I looked up at Hanma who gave me a strained
smile, “You have no idea how much fun I’m having, babe.” He
said before turning around and, at the speed of light, tackling
the man and disarming him all while ignoring the blood
pouring from the wound in his side. Now straddling him, the
gang member did not hesitate to punch him relentlessly, all
while laughing maniacally. Blood splattered from Shuusuke’s
face and onto Hanma’s shirt and face, bright red liquid
dripping from his fists and staining his side. All I could do was
watch in fascination at seeing someone act so irrationally for
the smallest reason… jealousy? Possessiveness? Was he doing
that because Shuusuke had been too touchy or because he had
disrespected me? I was getting inside my head, Hanma
probably wanted to fight and that was it, he had jumped on the
first occasion to let it all out. The smile on his face showed
how much he was enjoying when his fist clashed with the
body of the policeman.
“Hanma…” I said his name as I approached.
He didn’t reply and kept hitting. From the distance, I could
hear the sirens of the police; they were still far, but panic rose
in my chest as I placed my hand on his shoulder with a strong
grip. “Get up and leave, he’s done for, leave.” I sounded
composed, I sounded sober, I sounded sane. But I was
panicked, and still drunk on the adrenaline of seeing him fight
like that, the rush my body felt when I heard the gunshot and
when I saw his eyes lit up in pure amusement and anger, a mix
I never thought I’d find attractive. I was losing my mind.
His hair was covering his face, his glasses had long since been
covered with droplets of blood and he wasn’t answering. With
a stronger pull on his shoulder, I forced him to turn around,
“Shuji!” His gaze didn’t change, but he looked at me this time,
his crimson fist now resting on his lap as he waited for me to
speak. Something drew me to touch him, maybe it was my
drunk state that made him seem so beautiful even with a
blood-stained face, his messy hair sticking to the red on his
face. I brushed his hair back and begged, “Please, Shuji. Let
me show you I’m useful, I’ll handle this, please.” His wicked,
insane smile twisted into one of satisfaction as he grabbed my
hands, making the jacket fall in the process, and stood up
slowly, but not without kicking the legs of the man on the
floor. His gaze never left mine, not even as he brought my
hands to his lips and kissed them with a toothy grin. “You lost
again,” He scoffed with a strained voice. His face was getting
paler by the second, so I forced one hand out of his grip and
placed it on his open wound. The sight itself made tears well
up in my eyes, but I held back and looked at him, “Look at
you, you’re not even crying for the almost dead man on the
floor.” He said as he brushed the tear from the corner of my
eyes, leaving a red trail.
“You’re worried about a criminal,” He let out a shallow breath
and rested his forehead against mine before moving to rest his
cheek against mine. He slid his hand to the nape of my neck,
his fingers threading through my hair to press me against his
cheek. “Get away with murder and I’ll forgive your sins.” He
ordered before letting go and grabbing his jacket from the
ground. I didn’t know what to do, what to think or what my
next step was. Even if I could hear the police coming, I
grabbed his wrist to stop him for just a moment. He stopped
dead in his tracks while holding his side, his face void of
anything until he met my eyes and smiled. I didn’t know why I
grabbed him, so I let go just as fast and without avoiding his
gaze said, “Thank you…” For beating up a guy that had tried
to get with me when I said no. For going batshit crazy just to
defend my honor? Or was it your honor you were defending? I
didn’t know which one had hit the closest to your ego; was it
that the stupid woman you were molding into your alter ego
who had a crush on you got kissed by a random guy and felt
grossed out by it, unsafe, disgusted? Or was it that he’d dared
to touch someone you had your eyes on? Someone you had
long since marked as yours by forcing her to commit the most
deranged acts for the sake of proving her worth. I was that
someone, and I knew how wicked I was becoming.
That’s why I didn’t back down from his order.
“Look at you, all cute and shit.” He smirked, his side fully
covered in his blood now, down to his pants. But he still
smirked, he even looked me up and down in what one would
describe as seductive, even if it could also be exhaustion from
the blood loss. “I’d fuck you right here if I wasn’t bleeding out
and the pigs weren’t coming, what a wasted opportunity.” He
shrugged before turning around—the door slammed shut
before he entered, worrying the both of us. It hadn’t been the
wind, it had been someone. Someone had been listening in,
watching maybe, and if it had been for longer than a few
seconds, we were both fucked.
Hanma didn’t share the worry for long and didn’t react, he got
inside and only a few moments after I heard the car pulling up
in the streets. Thoughts were rushing through my brain, what
would be my excuse? Why was I here? How did he end up in
such a state? In an irrational haze, I grimaced and forced
myself to do something stupid, I scraped my knuckles against
the brick wall and fell to my knees hard, grunting at the pain
before scooting closer to Shuusuke and looking at his battered-
up body. I felt a wave of sickness coursing through me at the
sight and turned his head to the side before leaning over and
placing my lips on his neck. The entire time I worked to leave
a hickey on his skin, I was cringing. The strong whiff of blood
that reached my nose as I leaned back made me turn around
and throw up on the ground, the disgusting sight and all the
alcohol I had drank tonight made an awful mix—that, and the
trash-stench of Shuusuke’s body. At the same time I looked
back at the man, I heard the heavy footsteps of the police
officers coming over here.
“Ma’am? What happened? We got a call saying there were—”
The word ‘gunshots’ died on his lips when his eyes met
Shuusuke’s passed out body. Staring right back at the
policeman, I started breathing heavily on purpose, forcing
tears to well up in my eyes as I spoke rapidly—it was effective
to make him not understand me, so he grabbed me by the
shoulders and helped me to my feet to bring me to the side
while the paramedics took care of Shuusuke’s passed out form.
“Here, breathe with me, I will need you to calm down.” I
forced my eyes to stay on him instead of flickering to
Shuusuke; I needed to tell my version of the story before he
could say anything. So I kept the act up a bit longer, my hands
gripping my sides tight when I shivered and asked if they had
any blankets in the car. The man nodded rapidly and went to
get one to then wrap it around my shoulders. I gave him a
tired, sad smile. But I wasn’t sad… I wasn’t much at that very
moment, I was in no state of mind to feel anything—I think I
should have felt guilty? Afraid of getting arrested, but the
problem was that I felt overconfident in being able to get away
with it. It must have been why I kept a semblance of
composure.
“We… the man, his name is Shuusuke Hansuke, I think he
works for the police, he—” I paused, of course I could tell the
story without stuttering, but making it so I was shaken made it
more believable. My blood was boiling while my entire body
was freezing. “We went outside to make out, I don’t know
what happened but a man got here and—” I gestured to where
‘he had come from’, while doing so I looked around real quick
to see if there were any cameras to make sure I could keep
lying. “I think I heard a car? I’m not sure, it all happened so
fast! Shuusuke fired his gun to defend himself, it was self-
defense—you shouldn’t take his badge, it was justified! The
man got away so he’s fine…” When the policeman interrupted
me with a soft chuckle and a gentle pat on the shoulder, I knew
I got him to believe me a little bit more by playing dumb. “It’s
alright, no one’s dead, there is no need to—” A hand on his
shoulder forced his attention away from me while the
paramedic whispered something in his ear, his face blanched
when he turned around to face me.
“Ma’am, your boyfriend needs to be taken to the emergency
care, would you like to go in the ambulance or with me?” The
act was kept up once more, I gripped the officer’s jacket lapel
and let out a muffled gasp before covering my mouth and
crying some more, faking a loss of balance so he held me
straight. “I can’t, I can’t lose him! I—” Looking to the side to
make it seem like I cared about him even slightly, I looked
away in ‘distraught’ and choked out, “I can’t see him like this,
I’ll go with you…” I mumbled while wiping the tears with the
blanket.
The officer tried to soothe me as he brought me to his car and
tried to have me sit in the passenger seat, but I insisted on
sitting in the back to be able to lay down. He trusted me and I
did exactly that, only to be able to pull out my phone without
him seeing it so I could text a few people.
First I told the girls I had come to the club with that I had left
earlier, but I was safely home. Only Aiko answered, saying
she was not going to last long either, but she had fun. It
managed to make me smile, even considering the situation we
were in. The lack of answers from Shiho worried me, but I
trusted her to make the right choices, even if chaotic ones.
With the girls warned, I scrolled up to my messages to check
the one I had received a few days ago from Kokonoi with the
numbers of other members. Even if he said those were ‘good’
guys, I hadn’t met them yet, so I texted him.
Me: I have a favor to ask
Then I asked him if he could pick me up at the hospital,
adding the address in case he didn’t know which one. Since
most of Bonten was out at the club, I feared he wouldn’t
answer, but he did quite rapidly.
Kokonoi: Busy. I’ll send someone.
A sigh of relief escaped my lips as I replied with a thank you
and put my phone down. I did not want to wait longer than
necessary in a waiting room for someone I couldn’t care less
about. I didn’t know how long I was going to be able to
pretend I was with him either, but I had to manage. My phone
buzzed, I had received a message again.
Kokonoi: Are you alright?
Me: H went off, I am with the police. No snitching, promised,
just drunk and smarting my way out of this haha
Me: some fighting, but I’m no rat
I had stared at the message a moment before sending it and
since it made me chuckle, I sent it without much thinking. The
high from the entire night was slowly leaving my body now
that I was resting. Cocooned by the warmth of the blanket and
the heater of the car, I was dozing off. It did not last long when
the car stopped and the policeman opened the back door,
surprised to see me almost asleep. I hurried to my feet and
handed him the blanket before thanking him for dropping me
off.
“I’m sorry to keep this going, but I’ll need to ask for your
statement, it can wait until later tonight. I will come back in a
few hours if that’s fine with you?” He asked kindly, trying to
lock eyes with me. All I did was nod sadly before walking past
him and entering the hospital where I was told to wait in the
waiting room while they treated Shuusuke.
Saying it was boring would be right, but not nearly enough to
express how uninteresting this was.
It followed the most frightening display of insanity I had seen
so far from Hanma which had made me so excited and…
aroused at the same time, and now I was left in an empty
room, waiting for someone I did not know to pick me up. With
every passing second, I was getting more irritated and nervous,
I was still in heels, my dress smelled like alcohol and blood,
my foot hurt and I was freezing. There was nothing to do, and
because of that, I thought back on Hanma and hoped he was
fine. Going back inside where there was no one qualified to
treat a gunshot wound was not the smartest idea, but that’s
what he had done. I scoffed at the thought. If one of his stupid
gang members is supposed to fix him up, he’s not going to last
long, I thought while playing with the fabric of my dress. I
shivered when someone entered the room, allowing a freezing
breeze to enter before dissipating; the steps echoed away as
another revolving door closed and I was left alone once more.
Time was going by too slowly, I could hear the clock ticking
on the wall along with the buzzing sound of the vending
machine and the coffee machine. The thought of coffee sent a
whiff of the smell of it to my brain, making me gag from how
nauseous I already was; looking around, I saw a bin and
hurriedly took off my shoes to rush to it and throw up. “Fuck.”
I swore under my breath, only a second after throwing up my
stomach rumbled. With a dry laugh, I wiped my mouth with
the back of my hand and sat with my back against the wall, my
head hitting it harder than I expected.
I suppose a lot had gone unexpected tonight. I hummed at the
thought and closed my eyes.
Was the worst the fact that Hanma had beaten a guy close to
death? Or that I was ready to ask that guy to shoot someone,
just to see if he’d do it, just to see if he was as wicked as
Hanma. That man who managed to make me crave madness,
sanguine actions and hot bloodedness. He made me crave him,
I wanted him. I liked him? Even if I laughed shortly at how
absurd the idea was, that laugh turned into a sob, making me
cover my mouth while tears streamed down my face. The
exhaustion made it hard to keep anything in, I wanted to go
home and sleep but I couldn’t. I wanted news first. Not from
Shuusuke’s state, but from Hanma. I had yet to receive a
message from him telling me he was fine and that worried me,
that knot in my stomach was growing by the minute and
making me sick.
“Ma’am are you alright?” A concerned voice reached my ears
and from the corner of my eyes, I saw a nurse handing me a
box of tissues. Uncovering my mouth, I took the box and blew
my nose before wiping the tears with another tissue, “I’m fine,
I’m—haha, it’s the nerves. The unknown, you know?” Not
knowing if Shuusuke was going to make it didn’t bother me,
but Hanma…
The nurse, whose name I now read on the badge was Yuma,
helped me to my feet then guided me to a seat. “The best you
can do right now is hope, it’s what gets us through. We have
very competent doctors and surgeons, your friend is in very
good hands.” I laughed, making her chuckle nervously in
return as she rubbed my back. The bastard man who had been
too touchy was in competent hands while the one who
defended me was bleeding out somewhere, how fun. I wanted
to tell her off, but I held back and nodded instead. At the very
moment, my phone buzzed and I saw a text from an unknown
number; unlocking my phone, I read the message that said
they were outside along with the description of the car.
When I looked up at Yuma and met her kind looking eyes, I
gripped her hand softly a few seconds before letting go,
“Thank you so much, I might need some fresh air to clear my
head a bit. I’ll be right back, thank you again…” I said as I
stood up and hooked my fingers to the back of my shoes
before stumbling out of the waiting room and into the freezing
night. I think I heard her call me but ignored it, I couldn’t stay
in any longer.
Once out, I pulled out my phone’s flashlight and started
looking around for the car. I did wonder if it wouldn’t have
been easier to give me the license plate number instead of
telling me the brand and color of the car, but who was I to be
picky? After a few minutes, I found it at the very end of the
parking lot and hopped there, making sure to avoid the pebbles
on the ground. My heart was pounding merely from knowing I
was fleeing before the police could get my statement. I
wondered what they’d do without knowing my name, the
lengths they’d go to find me. It was exciting.
With a soft knock on the window, the man at the wheel
unlocked the car without even looking at me. When I opened
the car door and sat in the passenger seat, my shoes now
resting on my lap, I threw a look at the man that seemed
familiar. The tattoo on his neck was the thing that struck me
the most, and when he spoke I understood who he was. “I need
your address, can you put it in the GPS?” To think I was
caught off guard by his kind tone put my situation in
perspective, I nodded and quickly typed it in before fastening
my seatbelt and looking at him again. “Thank you for picking
me up…” I trailed off to let him tell me his name, which he
did in a tone devoid of anything, “Kazutora.”
“Thank you, Kazutora.” I said again, with a small smile this
time. He didn’t look at me so I looked back at the road, my
fingers fidgeting with the strap of my heels when silence set.
The warmth of the car, just like the police car, was making me
drowsy but I forced myself to stay awake in the awkward
silence. After a few minutes, the man spoke in a playful tone,
but it grazed the line of mocking, “You’re the one Ran beat
up?” A choked sound left my throat and my eyes widened in
shock, before settling on a nervous laugh. “I suppose I am.
You’re the one who stole my wallet on that first night I was
beaten up by Hanma, right?” I asked in an attempt to joke
around, but now that it was said out loud I was not that
confident. With a side glance, I tried to gauge if he was mad
but he smiled too sweetly and shrugged, “It was deserved,
wasn’t it? You did eavesdrop.”
I should have kept my mouth shut, I usually would have kept
my mouth shut, but not this time, of course not. “Did I also
deserve to get kicked in the ribs by Ran or can your little gang
admit he went off the rails?” I was annoyed by his words,
there was no point in arguing I did not eavesdrop that night
since they truly believed I did and there was no changing their
mind. But maybe, just maybe, they could admit to being in the
wrong for once? Kazutora dared to laugh while taking a turn,
“It’s funny because it made Hanma mad and I hate the guy, but
yeah, Ran’s a bastard, you should stay away from the Haitani
brothers,” He said offhandedly, like a simple man giving a
simple advice. To which he added, “And Sanzu too, he’s a
lunatic just like Hanma…” He glanced at me and scoffed then
sighed in a melodious, all too light, tone. “But it’s too late for
a warning,” He smiled sadly, which threw me off, but I was
not done being confused since he continued. “You got
involved with the police because of him and still defended
him, right? When you could have blamed it all on him, maybe
you could have gotten rid of him—” “It’s not that simple.” I
tried to defend myself.
He was right, I could have. But even with that power, the
outcome would have never been the one he’d have expected.
“Then what? If I had tried to keep him there, he would have
taken me down and made a run for it!” I said angrily. I
shouldn’t have been getting mad, but the implications of his
words didn’t sit right with me. Deep down, I knew it was
because he was right, but with this almost sober, yet tired state
I was in, I tried to battle my way out of this humiliating
situation. I did not want to admit I didn’t want him to get
arrested, that I had found some comfort in that insane man.
“Better, let’s picture him in a police car—you can’t! You can’t,
because your organization corrupted the legal system! If I had
sold him out he would have gotten out and taken me down, I…
I did all that to survive, not for any other reason!” When I let it
all out, I felt bad for saying it. Not because I had said it in pure
frustration, but in the corner of my mind I had this irrational
fear that Hanma had heard it and had been hurt by my words.
Kazutora was smiling condescendingly as he pulled up to my
street all while shaking his head. When he was parked, he
looked me up and down and asked, “Did you try? Did you try
to leave?” It felt like a punch, so much so that I leaned back
and shut my mouth, not even attempting to answer. So he
continued, his face now riddled with worry, “Of course you
didn’t! You can still leave, quit your job and disappear, you’re
not in too deep yet—” “Who are you? Weren’t you part of
them that same night I got pulled into all that shit? Why are
you now trying to help?” This time he was the one surprised,
his mouth turning into a fine line. “Why now?! Why not
earlier? It’s too fucking late, don’t you get it? I don’t need
your help, I don’t need your advice and I don’t need a fucking
hero! I wanted help that very night, the ones that followed
when I couldn’t sleep or when I feared your friends would
come and kill me or force me to do crazy shit!” I spat as I
unfastened my seatbelt and opened the car door with force.
Before leaving, I leaned inside one last time, this time with a
sad smile. “But it’s too late, I’m past saving and in all
honesty… I don’t think I want help anymore.” With that I
slammed the door shut without looking back, all I saw before
turning around was his crestfallen face as if he had failed me
when he had nothing to do with me at all.
When I entered the house and heard the car drive off, I barely
had time to put my bag down before there was a knock on my
door. My pulse sped up, if it was the police I didn’t know what
I would say, I didn’t know if I could keep up the lie. I was too
tired to fake anything and all I wanted was to sleep.
But I opened the door, even if I feared whatever I’d find
behind.
“Took you long enough! I think you owe me a few favors.”
There he stood, face pale and with his hand still pressed to his
side, completely painted red. He talked about favors, but I
couldn’t care less what I owed him. Seeing the state he was in,
there was no telling him no. Not because I was scared… but
because I cared.
So I let him in, because he brought me to life. Even if his
hands took so many of them, his body made me feel alive, it
made me feel so much… and so much less lonely…
So I let him in again, just like I would some many more times,
just like someone would let in an old friend but this man was
not a friend, it was something completely different. A lover
would be too strong of a word, and what was this between us?
Not love, it was a dependency, I craved his presence and what
it brought, the excitement, the thrills, the adrenaline. He was
nothing but an addiction.
So I let this familiar Devil waltz in, bloody and handsome.
I shouldn’t let it die.
I couldn’t let it die.
I didn’t want to let him die…
Chapter End Notes

I bet yall will still manage to go : omg such a soft

moment between them- IT’S SICK and I love it, they’re
both mentally unwell and I am living for it.
Do I wish to fuck him bloody against a wall? Yes. Will I
write it? Maybe, who knows. Was the priest kink great?
In my opinion, yes, yes it was. And I’m not done with it
my lovelies. Share your thoughts, join me on Twitter
@PhysicalTurian
Words : 9736
Added on 5th December 2021
 Chapter 11
Chapter Notes

Warning : medical malpractice - graphic depiction of

wound - sexual ‘intimacy’
Inspired by
https://twitter.com/os000012/status/14439322939747942
49?s=20
See the end of the chapter for more notes

So he stepped inside.
Of course he had to lean on me right when he shuffled in, half
his weight on me while he balanced the rest himself. There
was no way I could bring his heavy, bloodied body upstairs, so
I sat him on my couch and while still dressed for my night out,
I hurried upstairs to get a few towels, only taking time to
throw my shoes and gloves on the floor of my bedroom. When
I arrived back downstairs, I placed the towels on the back of
the couch and hurried to the kitchen to get the safety kit from
the top of the shelf; with the alcohol slowly leaving my
system, I realized how much my foot hurt when I got on my
toes to get the box and the pain made itself known.
The bleeding man on the couch made me forget about it after a
few seconds as I made my way back to him and grabbed the
towels again before moving in front of the couch. When I saw
him laying down, with his head on the arm of the couch and
his feet dangling at the end from how tall he was, I patted his
chest, “Lift yourself, you’re not bleeding on my couch.” I
ordered, waiting for him to move.
He didn’t.
I waited a moment and he didn’t even stir.
“Hanma, please sit up.” I said a bit more sternly this time, a bit
of despair starting to mix in with my seriousness. He did not
budge at all, and if the blood pouring through his fingers from
the wound on his side wasn’t enough to worry me, his lack of
response did.
Placing my hand under him, I lifted him enough to slide the
towel under him, grunting at how heavy he was when
uncooperative. Thinking he was playing with me, I scoffed, “I
did it myself, you can stop being childish and open your eyes,
Shuji.” I tried to meet his gaze, he was bound to look at me at
some point, right? A few moments passed and he didn’t say
anything. I let out a distressed laugh and focused back on his
wound, “Fine, be stubborn. I think the pain of me digging in
your wound will make you react for sure.” Once more, I
thought he’d make a comment, maybe rest his hand on my
shoulder while mocking me but still be sort of sweet, instead
there was a dead silence. I knew the man loved hearing
himself talk, and suddenly being in the same room as him
without any word coming from him made everything a lot
more dull and morose.
I needed to take care of him, even if I was no nurse and I
didn’t know what I could do except get the bullet out. I let out
a laugh at the thought while taking the scissors from the box
and cutting his shirt to get the fabric out of the wound and out
of the way. “I’m drunk and on edge, can’t promise I won’t
throw up when the blood starts gushing from your wound,
okay?” Making small talk helped me feel less opressed from
the silence—even if he wasn’t answering, it helped me a little
bit. Blinking slowly, I felt my head spinning slightly when I
knelt by the couch and moved the box from the table to the
ground next to me. I took a few seconds to settle then grabbed
the tweezers, ready to do the job; the dim light wasn’t enough
for me to see anything, so with a sigh I put it down and turned
on a brighter light before going back to what I was doing.
This time I could see clearly the hole on his side and the bullet
nested in the flesh. Seeing it was gruesome enough, but when I
took the bottle of disinfectant and poured some on the wound,
I shivered in disgust, knowing full well how much it hurt.
Hanma stirred at that, but didn’t open his eyes, his right arm
crossed over his chest while the other tangled from the couch
—which I moved to his chest quickly. “The things we do for…
the things we do, huh?” I said with a short laugh. When I
leaned in to get a closer look at the wound, I caught a whiff of
the strong metallic stench of blood and felt nauseous, almost
gagging from it. Looking up, I closed my mouth tight and
paused everything to hold back from throwing up, “I think I’d
rather you’d gotten stabbed than shot, I wouldn’t have had to
go full speleologist on you if that were the case.” I truly
believed making jokes would help, so I kept talking while I
dug the tweezers inside the wound.
I realized my hand was shaking and used my other one to
stabilize it the best I could while slowly trying to find a proper
way to get the bullet. “I’m pretty sure Bonten has some
medical team or something to take care of you, I don’t know
why you came to me,” I mumbled, not expecting any answers
from him as I felt the tip of the tweezers touch the bullet.
Instead of focusing on that, I kept talking while trying to grab
it. “Maybe they don’t like you and you’re afraid they’d let you
die, that wouldn’t be surprising. You’re despicable, you have
that talent to get on people’s nerves.” Slowly I pulled the
bullet, I could feel Hanma tense up in the awful state he was in
and almost found it pretty to see his face contort in pain. He
was always so proud and arrogant, in control… Seeing him
like this was the closest to what I could call intimacy. Pausing,
I patted around me to get my purse and my phone, all while
keeping the tweezers in, and with one hand looked up what to
do, in case I was doing something wrong.
Speed-reading was necessary, and as I did, of course I had
forgotten something. Going by instinct was not good in such a
situation, and yet I had done just that; putting the phone on
Hanma’s stomach, I applied pressure on his side while I took
out the bullet, then pressed my hand on it quickly when blood
oozed out. Bile rose to my throat as I dropped everything on
the towel and covered my mouth with the back of my hand,
the one part of my hands that wasn’t covered in blood, and
looked away. “Shuji, wake up and stitch yourself up, I don’t
want to do this.” I whispered with a gentle shove of his
shoulder. Of course he didn’t react, it was a stupid attempt of
mine to think he’d wake up now.
My eyes locked on his pained face longer than necessary,
sadness was filling me up and I didn’t know what to do about
it. “You better wake up when I’ve stitched you up.” I
grumbled before rummaging through the box for a needle and
some thread—I had none that was made for medical use, but
there was my sewing kit in the drawer of the table that would
do just fine. So I took it and to be able to keep pressure on the
wound, I pressed my forearm on it while using my hands to
thread the thread through the needle hole. It took longer than
necessary with how my hands were shaking and how my
breath was starting to heave while my heart was beating fast.
“You know, I’m sure you have enough connections to get out
of prison—like, if you had gone to the hospital, sure they’d
have arrested you but—” a nervous, worried laugh escaped my
lips; I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, but held them
back and with a playful tone continued, “But at least you
wouldn’t die, you know? Something that might happen if I
fuck up.” I laughed louder than I thought I would, but it was
not humorous one bit, I was wrecked with anxiety.
Carefully, I moved my hand from his side and could see how
the blood had painted most of his skin, the spot was larger than
the wound itself, making it look a lot more dramatic. To help
me see better, I wiped some of it with the corner of the towel
and started by pressing the tip of the needle in the skin. I
didn’t know how much pressure I’d need, nor if my needle
would hold, but as I pierced the skin, I knew I had to keep
going. So I did, I pinched the skin to keep it close and stitched
through it. The thread was darkening with blood at each stitch,
making my breath hitch more and more as time went on. Even
with the wound held together the best I could, blood was
gradually dripping from the still unsewn part. “Hey, I said I’d
never ask for a favor, right? I’m sure you remember, you
always remember the worst shit…” My hands were trembling,
I pierced the skin again and threaded through it, my vision
blurring from exhaustion and tears. “And I guess I’m fucking
myself over by asking that, but maybe you’ll listen if I ask.” I
scoffed dryly, then clicked my tongue against my teeth when I
dropped the needle and grabbed it again.
“Don’t die on me, please.” A tear rolled down my cheek, but I
smiled, a strained smile, and kept going, “Because you’re my
safety net, you asshole. You can’t let me deal with the Haitani
brothers alone, that would be a bastard move of you.” If I kept
talking, I wouldn’t be left with the deafening silence that
plagued us, I wouldn’t be alone with him completely out of it,
on the brink of death. With only time as narrator of where the
story would go, because once I was done patching him up and
I had put a gauze pad on the sewn wound, all I could do was
wait.
Wait in the late night, or early morning, for him to open his
eyes. For him to give me any sign of recovery, of gaining
some color to his beautiful face, to look at me with that same
mocking attitude or boredom he’d be usually eager to share.
And for once, I wanted it.
I wanted him to banter, I wanted him to be playful, I wanted
him to tease me, I wanted him to touch me.
I wanted him, all of him.
And I knew it was bad. Even more so knowing I had come to
the realization after he had beaten a man close to death, but my
silly little mind felt flattered he had done it for me. For himself
too, maybe, for the sake of being entertained, but I wanted to
believe he did it for me, even if he hadn’t.
With a glance at him, I packed everything up and put
everything back in the kitchen, then washed my hands before
returning to the living room. I wasn’t sure what to do while
waiting for him, what I did know what that I was not going to
leave his side until he’d wake up; that’s why I grabbed some
pillows and put them on the ground next to him and sat down,
my back resting against the couch as I turned on the TV on
low volume. It was the only idea I had to stay awake until he’d
wake up, if he’d wake up. No, he will wake up, I’m sure he can
take a beating, so why not a bullet? Right?
For a split second I hesitated, then looked over my shoulder to
take his hand and rolled up his sleeve, then placed two fingers
inside his wrist and checked for a pulse. Those few seconds of
waiting were dreadful, but once I was focused enough, I felt
the beat against the tip of my fingers and let out a sigh of
relief. And I looked back at the screen, without ever letting go
of his hand and still holding it over my shoulder. I would let
go once he’d wake up, right when I’d feel him stir I’d let go,
because if he knew I cared even a little bit, he’d make use of
it. He already knew I wanted him, even just slightly, when I
tried to kiss him in the photo booth—he didn’t need to know
more.
Of course what one said, what one planned, could easily go
awry. While I did stay by his side most of the time and only
left a few times to go to the toilet or to get a blanket, all this
moving around did not suffice to keep me awake. I fought
hard to keep my eyes open, I even changed channels a few
times when there wasn’t enough action, but the volume was
low, too low, because I didn’t want to wake up Hanma. He
needed to rest, he needed to get back on his feet and be the
usual playful asshole I knew and was starting to enjoy the
company of. So it made me even more sleepy, the TV was like
background noise and it lulled me to sleep slowly but surely.
First, with some head-tilts to the side, then when I stopped
straightening my head my mouth fell open, but I closed it
when it dried and I startled awake, wiping the corner of my
mouth just in case.
That only happened twice, because as we all know, the third
time’s a charm and I did not have enough energy to keep my
head up so I let it fall back and welcomed sleep with some
reluctance.
For the little time I was out, I managed to dream of this very
night.
Every sensation I felt in that alley, every emotion, every touch
from him… it was carved in my memory, stopping me from
forgetting, so much so that I dreamt of what could have
happened if Shuusuke hadn’t shot him, if the police hadn’t
arrived, if I hadn’t been forced to lie my way through it all.
But dreams didn’t always make sense…
Things heat up as I feel his hands grope me in the most vulgar
ways—that I welcome with open-mouthed moans—I place my
hands on him and feel a wetness on my hand. His mouth is on
my skin, he has long since pried my dress off my body and is
keeping my legs open with his knees, clearly unbothered by the
blood dripping from his wound. I know he is talking to me, I
know it is him, but he doesn’t have a face and I can’t
understand his words. I want to tell him he is bleeding, but he
moves his hands from my waist to my face and brushes my
cheek gently. Perhaps that’s what made me realize it was a
dream, he is too sweet, his kiss too tender and his smile too
kind—it lacks spice. It isn’t as interesting to see him like that,
not when he’s conditioned me to have this play-pretend
fighting spirit between each intimate moment we had.
I tell him off, I try to pry him off of me. He doesn’t budge. Now
his actions become rougher, but now the way he’d usually do
it, it’s genuine roughness, close to violence when he pushes me
harder against the wall and has my head hit it. When he
speaks, his voice isn’t his, “Playing hard to get? Dressed like
that?” Disgust fills my chest when I try to cover it, Shuusuke’s
voice is now echoing in the dark alley. I look around, Hanma
is on the ground, blood pooling around him. A hand is on my
mouth. Is it mine? Is it out of shock? I look up at the man in
front of me, his face is close. His hand is the one on my mouth,
he’s telling me to shut up, to stop screaming. Am I screaming?
I’m trying to understand what’s going on, but I can’t get a
grasp of it.
I’m crying.
I’m wailing.
Shuusuke shushes me by kissing me hard, I’m going to throw
up.
I kick him hard, then the same thing is happening again, the
same thing that happened that night. I’m doing exactly what
Hanma did, the knee in the face, the beating him up
mercilessly, the laughing. But as I do so, I am aware of the
body lying on the ground behind me, it pains me, my chest
hurts so much. Hitting him makes me feel better, it helps
release the anger he helped build in my entire being.
Shuusuke says something but I can’t hear it, all I’m hearing is
the muffled sounds of my cries that soon are drowning under
the loud sirens of the police.
My heart speeds up, I scurry off Shuusuke and—
I was startled awake and from the little state of consciousness I
was in, I could hear the wailing of the police sirens driving off
in the distance and quickly becoming nothing but the
deafening silence I was trying hard to drown. It must have
driven past my house and woke me up, which I was grateful
for, somehow; I was glad to not be asleep anymore, to not be
suffocating in this dreadful dream I was having that could
have happened if the police hadn’t arrived. That’s why I hated
it, that’s why it worried me so much, because if there wasn’t
that pressure of escaping the police, of not getting caught, I
feared what Hanma would have done. I feared how far he
would have gone—the worst was that what scared me wasn’t
that he’d kill the man, no… That was something I almost
wanted. What scared me was that he was enjoying himself too
much, he’d probably have ignored his wound until Shuusuke
was nothing but purée under him, his face unrecognizable,
battered, mashed.
If he had died… I looked at the ceiling and took a deep breath
to control my heart rate and calm it. With a sigh, I stood up
and let out a wince at how sore my butt was from sitting on the
ground. Throwing a glance at Hanma, I couldn’t ignore the
worry growing in my chest when seeing he was still asleep.
Seeing him vulnerable was not a sight I thought I’d see, and
since he hadn’t chosen to be in this position, I felt guilty.
Perhaps if he had opened up to me, for whatever reason, I
would have liked it, maybe even felt honored. But this? He
couldn’t die like that, not from a bullet wound, no… He just
couldn’t.
Trying to coo him out of slumber, I threaded my hand through
his hair. “You won, I don’t hate you. You promised some fun,
so wake up.” I instantly regretted saying it and never felt more
relieved that he didn’t stir awake at that very moment. With a
gentle brush of his hair, I had to tear my gaze off him to make
my way to the kitchen. I needed to be patient, he was still
breathing, that’s all I could ask for right now. To stop thinking
about my dream and the current state Shuji was in, the best I
could do was make myself something to eat to focus on
something else completely, and maybe to get some energy
back. The little sleep I had was anything but restful, the
overthinking and awful thinking both turned me into a walking
wreck simply by making me imagine the worst scenario, one
that could still happen if he didn’t wake up.
Feeling myself spiral in a dark abyss from envisaging every
possible outcome, I put everything back in the fridge and took
my plate with me on my way back to the living room, almost
tripping from the big step I took when forgetting I was still
wearing my dress. I caught myself on the back of the couch
and took smaller steps until I reached my pillows on the
ground and sat back down. The TV was still playing but I did
not feel like sleeping anymore, I was past the state of
exhaustion and felt more awake than I ever did since I got
home. It must have been because of the sandwich I was eating,
or probably how on edge I was.
I did not know how long it had been since we had arrived
home, since he had been out of it and sleeping, but the more
time passed, the more I was considering calling Koko about it.
Then again, maybe he’d be too busy, or he’d send the man
with the tiger tattoo—the same one that was trying to get me
out of this situation I had gotten myself into and did not seem
to want to leave. Raising my brows at how deep I was in from
so little time spent with them, I hummed and brought the
sandwich to my mouth to take another bite, only to have it
taken out of my hands delicately. With the gasp I let out, I
started choking on the bread from the sharp intake of breath I
took when I heard the voice to whom the hand belonged say,
“I’ll take that, thank you.” With how tired my brain was, it
took me a moment to understand what was going on. With my
eyes focused straight ahead, I let my sandwich go and blinked
slowly before suddenly turning around, eyes wide opened and
mouth agape.
Those same eyes travelled up and down Hanma’s body, he was
leaning on his left elbow, the one close to the edge of the
couch, while slowly taking bites of my sandwich from his
right hand. His eyes were closed and his movements heavy,
every second that went by was spent with my gaze locked on
his moving form, I couldn’t believe my eyes. “That’s mine.” I
managed to utter while glancing at my sandwich; Hanma
didn’t reply and took another bite, humming as he did so, then
with one final one he opened his eyes lazily, barely managing
to keep them open. “Sharing is caring, doll. I almost died for
you, you should give me some love.” His words were slurred,
but hearing him speak, seeing him move and interacting with
him for something so trivial brought warmth to my chest.
However, I hid it. “And I took care of you, maybe you should
thank me instead of being greedy.” I stated without moving
from my spot. For the first time since he had woken up, our
eyes met—I was almost tempted to look away in apprehension
of what I’d do seeing him like that, in the heat of the moment,
the joy of seeing him awake.
“Doll, it all happened because you tried to get my attention by
making me jealous,” He started as he laid his head back down
but tilted it towards me as his hand reached out for me. I didn’t
move at first, then hesitantly held his hand. His eyes widened
for a second, but he continued, with our hands clasped
together, “I think it’s only fair you fix what you messed up.”
My hand tightened around his as I tried to leave, outrage
welling up in my chest. He held my hand tight, not letting go
as he pulled me closer to stop me from leaving. The strength
he had in such a weak state surprised me, but only for a
moment. “Jealousy? Why would I try to make you jealous? I
was simply trying to have fun—” “After telling me you’d
never meddle with the cops?” He asked seriously while trying
to sit up. He let go of my hand and placed his on the couch for
support while I helped him by placing some pressure on his
side and his back. “You chose to beat him up out there, not me,
so don’t try to blame me.”
While looking down at his form, Hanma laughed dryly before
letting his smile broaden, “I did choose to beat him up, do you
know why?” Without missing a beat, I replied, “Because you
are insane and needed entertainment.” He tutted me with a
hum and a shake of his head as he rested his back against the
couch and let his head fall back a moment. When he was
taking too long to reply, I stood up to look at his face that was
facing the ceiling and saw he was staring right at me with a
proud smile, “Am I wrong?”
His reply was to lean forward quickly, too quickly since he
held back a wince as he did so while placing both his hands on
my hips and bringing me between his legs. Placing my hands
on his shoulders for balance, I felt my body heat up—perhaps
in expectation of what he’d do or embarrassment of the
closeness, I had yet to decide. His head was at the height of
my stomach from how tall he was, even sitting down. He
leaned forward and rested his chin right on it as he looked up
at me, his hands gradually lifting up the hem of my dress.
“See, he did something that ticked me off.” He started, while
still touching my dress.
I was debating with myself between letting him do as he
pleased and swatting his hands off, but I was also aware of
how much I wanted him, even after all that. Or maybe,
because of all that… It made me want him more. I glanced at
his hands on the fabric of my dress; my breath hitched when
his cold hands touched the skin of my thighs and slid to my
ass, the dress now draped over his hands and a bit of his arms.
“See that? How cooperative you are.” He put me on the spot
by asking that, I instinctively grabbed his hand through the
fabric to stop him but didn’t do that, instead I just kept my
hand on his, waiting for his next words. “It turned me on to see
you turn him down, just like you fled Koko’s touch—because
you want me, I’m the only one who can touch you like that.
Shit, look at your face. You know I’m right, you’d prefer my
hands on your pretty body more than anyone else’s.” He was
right, even after all he had done I still found myself relaxing in
his arms, in his presence. Each word he spoke enthralled me.
I wanted to listen in both ways. Listen to his words and listen
by being what he wanted me to be, by obeying.
“You went too far tonight.” I spoke softly, hesitantly bringing
one hand to his arm. Saying it felt wrong, I had nothing to say
about his actions—that’s why it felt like crossing boundaries
we had set without ever saying so. Hanma’s expression
dropped at the same time his hands did from my dress before
leaning back, this pained expression flickering on his beautiful
face as he did so. “Yeah? Where did you draw the line?” He
asked before raising his index finger and laughing. “No wait,
don’t tell me!” He then started counting on his fingers as he
listed, “Was it the hand on your ass, the kneeling—no, no, I
got it, when I refused to rip your dress off?” I had forgotten
about all of it until he reminded me, my entire body burst
aflame because I didn’t mind any of it at all; part of my
inebriated state felt disappointed when he didn’t take me right
then and there, but now I couldn’t feel more happy he hadn’t. I
did not want to share the view with anyone, that is if we ever
fucked.
Since those were not the reasons for whyI’d qualified his
actions as having gone too far, I didn’t reply. A smile started
growing on his lips when our eyes met once more, and with a
smirk he continued, “Could it be the beating up of that
bastard? Or that I let you take care of the police?” This time
his tone was more convincing, he truly felt like those were the
reasons; it made my admittance a lot harder to do, but I
delicately wrapped my hand around his to put his fingers down
then pulled one so it looked like he was counting back from
one. “Getting shot and not giving me any news.” His eyes lit
up as a manic smile painted itself on his lips and a soft ‘oh’
escaped them. Another ‘oh’, this time more interested, clearly
his curiosity was piqued. I let go of his hand, readying to
escape but something drew me to him, like a magnet.
With slow moves, Hanma started unbuttoning his shirt while
still looking at me, “Thoughts on what I did, then?” He
chuckled while removing the white collar around his neck,
then the cross by dropping it on the floor. Rolling my eyes, I
went to grab it from the ground, only to have him push me on
my knees—this time it wasn’t as uncomfortable as the club
since I had pillows under. There was just that numbness in my
shin from the glass I had yet to remove.
What? That’s my first thought? Not even annoyance? I held
back a scoff at my train of thought, not believing what was
going on. Clenching my jaw, I let go of the items and faced
Hanma with what I hoped was something close to annoyance,
only I feared it looked like compliance from the lack of
fighting I was doing. “You know, even drunk I remember that
pretty voice begging for me to get out, see…” He brought his
thumb and index to his chin, comedically thinking with a hum,
“I don’t know why someone would ask a criminal to flee from
the police. I mean, you’d want me to get caught right?”
His slender punishment-tattooed hand hooked on my chin,
gently brushing his thumb over it while looking down at me
with half-lidded eyes. “Right?” “I said it already, you’re my
safety net, that’s it. I need someone to protect me from the
danger you brought into my life.” I replied with a serious face
even as I saw his hands leave his shirt to settle on my
shoulders, and slowly, painfully so too, helped my dress off
my shoulders while talking, “I’m the someone you need to feel
safe, is that what you’re saying? I’m the one who’ll protect
you—” “You wouldn’t have to do that if you hadn’t put me in
that position to begin with.” Standing my ground right now
was useless, I knew it wasn’t worth shit when the straps of my
dress were off my shoulders and he grinned before letting his
hand slide down my arms to help it fully off.
“I don’t hear you complain much about your position, you’re
even pretty obedient.” His hands reached mine and held them
shortly before pulling me towards him suddenly, with my arms
on his thighs and my head on his knees, “Almost like you’re
enjoying it.” He cooed without ever letting go of me and
instead whispered for me to lift my head while he moved my
hands to the zipper of his pants. A knot started forming in my
stomach as I leaned back but held the waistband of his pants,
an action that was opposite to my words. “You don’t get it, I’m
talking about—” “I know what you’re talking about, but we
also both know danger is fun. Look at you,” He nodded at me
before cradling my face in his hands and tilting it back as he
hovered his head over mine and beamed, “It keeps you on
your toes, it’s exciting, entertaining, thrilling…” He looked
down at my legs and used his feet to spread them wide so my
crotch was resting on the pillow, “Arousing.” He finished with
his thumbs brushing my temple almost affectionately.
Hearing him, I wondered how I ended up here, how he had me
eating from his palm from so little. Why wasn’t I getting up?
Why wasn’t I telling him he was wrong? Why wasn’t I
fighting his words, who would say danger was entertaining
and thrilling? Someone sick, for sure. So why was I still
kneeling between his legs, my hands gripping the fabric of his
pants, ready to pull them down and do the most shameful
things?
I knew why, I had known for a moment already. Since he had
disappeared for a few days, that feeling was nested in my
chest, only growing over time with every second I wasn’t by
his side and once I was in his presence, it was reaching out for
him, to have him closer, to hold him, to feel him.
I knew what it was.
I didn’t like coming to that realization.
The realization that I longed for him. That he was an
addiction, that I craved him and his awful attitude.
“Your search for entertainment and thrills fucked up my
routine—” “That tone, fuck. That tone you’re using, I know
you’re mad at me for whatever but,” Hanma interrupted
himself and pressed a toothy kiss on my lips with a deep sigh.
I barely had time to return it that he continued with his lips
ghosting over mine. “It’s so hot cause you’re still so fucking
prideful when on your knees!” He said with his voice reaching
a certain high tone before adding in a now low voice, “D’you
understand I have to fuck that pride out of you?”
“Do you understand you almost died?” I fired back, our lips
touching as we spoke from how close we were.
“Do you remember your promise of making me scream the
Lord’s name in vain?” He said just as fast, effectively catching
me off guard as I glanced at his crotch then his eyes all in the
span of a short second. His smile turned sadistic, or maybe
knowing? With his right hand caressing its way to my ear,
tucking a strand behind it, Hanma brushed his lips over the
shell of my ear, “You’re already on your knees, let’s not let it
go to waste, huh?”
Doing exactly as he did, I whispered in his ear with all the
confidence I could muster when this close to undressing him,
“Did your near-death experience not help you see God?” I
wasn’t drunk enough for this false confidence, but I could fake
it still. I could make us both believe I was still tipsy, it would
justify accepting his advances and my hands unzipping his
pants. I needed to justify letting go, caving in. “In the state
you’re in,” I moved a hand to his wound, grazing my hand
against it to see if he was in a lot of pain then looked up at him
when he leaned back, “No wonder you need help getting close
to Him.” I said jokingly before raising myself on my knees
slightly and prying his pants open. I did not remember much
from that time at his apartment—I had been too caught up in
the moment to pay attention to the bulge in his pants. The one
time I paid attention, he had freed his cock which was more
than ready for fun, like right now.
Without wasting much time, I took his cock out and was about
to say something when Hanma gripped my jaw tight and
forced me to look up at him. My mouth was open from the
way he held my face, he looked at it with a quirked brow then
looked at his cock before looking back at me as if observing
an item he was about to purchase. He tilted my head up, then
to the side before facing it back to him, “Not sure it’ll fit, but
since you’re such a whore for my dick, you’ll make do, right?”
He did not wait for my reply to push my head onto his cock
while still holding my chin tight. When it was too much of a
weird position, the hand that was on my chin slid to my throat
and stayed there. With the tip of his cock hitting the back of
my throat, I gagged around it but moved my hands to hold his
hips and started bobbing my head down his length.
I thought he’d enjoy it in silence, that we’d both know to keep
our mouths shut in that very moment—even with the filthy
sounds that came from my mouth as spit drooled down his
dick each time I’d go up and down it. But he didn’t care, why
would he keep his mouth shut when he could be having his
own monologue? Through sharp breaths, Hanma started, “I’d
ask you to tell me you hate me, but the way your tongue’s
working—fuck, I can feel the love you have for me right
now!” He said mockingly, making me dig my nails in his skin
while still focusing my gaze on the gauze on his side instead
of his eyes. “Don’t get your claws out like that, it gets me
going even more.” He groaned with a short breathless laugh
while threading his fingers through my hair to grab it at the
roots. So I dug my nails deeper, still while avoiding his gaze as
I lifted my head slowly so his cock was almost out of my
mouth. I heard his breath hitch then let out a shaky laugh,
“Who said you could stop?” Before I knew it, there was a pain
in my throat when he forced my head back on him without a
warning.
“That’s it, gotta keep this mouth busy or it might say
something it’ll regret, yeah?” With that, he took full control by
gripping my hair tight and bobbing my head himself down his
length, not caring of my complaints or any sound I was
making when I gripped his thighs in the hopes of balancing
myself. “So fucking better to fuck your brains out myself since
you can’t do it yourself.” He started, each thrust down my
throat made me focus more and more on holding back from
throwing up from how far and how strong he was going. Tears
were streaming down my face, but it was nothing compared to
the saliva drooling down my mouth. “Don’t think I’ll stop
because you’re crying, you’ll take it as long as I want it.” His
thrusts got rougher, I tried to match his pace, to participate the
best I could but all I could now was moan and sob on his cock.
The pain at my scalp and down my throat were quickly mixed
with pleasure once I moved a hand between my legs and
started touching myself.
Barely a few moments in, I felt him nudge my hand away from
between my legs. I slammed it on the ground for balance, but
he stomped his foot on it; I let out a pained moan from how
the sole of his shoe hurt my fingers. It only got him going.
“Look up—look up, look at me.” He repeated until our eyes
met; with a condescending smile, he gritted through his teeth,
pleasure clearly written on his face, “Don’t add to your sins,
you’re barely scraping by right now—” One thrust, “This is
you repenting for making me hard,” Another thrust, “all those
fucking times and not doing shit about it, understood?”
Without thinking, I nodded the best I could while a sob
escaped my lips, even if muffled by his cock filling my mouth
so well. “And the crying only gets me going more,” thrust,
“and more,” I gagged again, my mouth constricting around his
cock as he thrusted again, “and more.” This time he swore
under his breath and stopped bobbing my head down his cock
to keep it to the base of it. His head fell back with a satisfied
smile on his lips as he let out a pleasured moan before
releasing my hair and looking down at me arrogantly.
“Don’t go spitting it out the same way you spit bullshit like
‘oh I hate you’ ‘I don’t like it when you kill people’” He
mimicked my voice mockingly before standing up with his
dick still in my mouth as he kept my head tilted back. Slowly,
he pulled out, while making sure none of his cum spilled out.
As he did so, I let my tongue feel down his length to clean it
the best I could. When he pulled his pants back up, he was
now standing in front of me—towering over me—with one
hand on my shoulder and the other under my chin to keep my
mouth closed. “Go ahead, swallow your pride.” I couldn’t look
away from him, I couldn’t ignore how good it felt to be in this
position with him, to not have to think of much but the pain
and pleasure he brought. Once this was over, I’d be back to
thinking of how not to fall for him, how to resist falling down
the rabbit hole he was leading me to, the same one he had
jumped into willingly many years back only to be the free-
spirited man he was now.
With eyes red from crying, I shook my head but didn’t spit it
out yet, I wondered how far he would go to make me swallow
his cum. His face turned disinterested in the blink of an eye as
he let go of my face, “Fair enough, then get cleaned up, you
look like shit.” He turned around and sat back down on the
couch; at that very moment, desperation took over. I grabbed
his knee and forced eye contact, then swallowed. I quickly
grabbed his hand to bring it back to my lips, “It’s not fun if
you don’t play along.” The hold on my chin was strong now as
he pulled me closer to him and grinned wickedly while he
forced my mouth open and pulled my tongue out to make sure
there was nothing left. Without letting go, he curled a brow,
“Play along? You mean force you? I’m a good guy, I’d never
do that.” He said in fake outrage before letting go of my
tongue and wiping his fingers on his pants.
A knot formed in my throat, how could I tell him the chase
made it more fun? That I didn’t want to give in easily to him, I
wanted him to try harder, that some of my nos were simply
soft nos? “I wasn’t, I was clearly into it.” Seeing how the
smile on his face only widened, I placed my hands on his
knees and used them to balance myself to stand up. The pain
in my knees made me stumble and grab the side of the table
halfway through getting up; after that short pause, I stood up
fully and didn’t look back at him. “When you feel like you can
walk, get out.” I huffed bitterly while pulling up the straps of
my dress while walking towards the stairs; the moment I held
the banister to slide my hands up it for support while walking,
Hanma called out my name, something he rarely did. It made
me look over my shoulder at him, “Glad to know you like it
rough, I’m nothing if not here to improve our beautiful,
blooming, relationship.” He said sarcastically as he looked at
me upside down from his head hanging over the back of the
couch.
With a grimace, I eyed him up and down before rolling my
eyes and lifting the hem of my dress to not stumble on my way
up. I didn’t think it’d be worth it to start bantering now, even if
he looked more than adorable with his cute smile, playfulness
adorning his face as he said so. From that mere thought I knew
I had to step away from him and be alone, because the longer I
stayed with him, the longer the poison that his personality was
would become potent. Time alone was my antidote… I
hoped…
Once I had reached my bedroom and had taken all that I
needed, I took a short detour by the full-length mirror by my
bed—just like that very first night I had met him, I took in the
damage. Unlike that first night, I was not bruised, and none of
the wounds I had were his. Putting everything on my bed, I
took off my dress and saw the fresh bruises on my hips left by
Shuusuke being a brute when he tried to have his way with
me. My skin still had different colored spots around the
stomach from when Ran had taken it in his own hands to
‘discipline’ me in his own way. Since it was a few days old, it
had lost that deep color and was a lot lighter, but pressing a
finger on it still hurt, even as I moved. It was easy to ignore,
though, and dwelling on it was not going to help at all.
I looked at my battered body a bit too long, at least long
enough to start thinking of how much worse it could have been
—which was a relatively alright thought to have, if it was not
followed by the unsaid question, what would Hanma do if he
knew I had all those bruises? Would he find Ran and set things
straight or would he be mad and say he’s the only one allowed
to hurt me, bruise me? That thought barely stayed in my mind
a second before I hurriedly took my stuff and went to the
bathroom. The first thing I did was to start drawing a bath
while I took off the rest of my clothes and removed whatever
makeup I had on my face. I was surprised by how much cotton
I needed to take it all off. Rai truly thought she was painting
the Mona Lisa with all the mascara she put on my lashes.
When the bath water was scalding enough, I slowly got in and
was reminded rather quickly of the predicament my leg was in
when the soap touched it. A loud yelp escaped my lips as I sat
on the side of the bath and looked down at my shin; many
times throughout the night I remembered I was still wounded,
but every time it slipped my mind from all the things
happening. Now that I was alone, I could finally take care of
it.
There were a few little glass shards still nested in my skin; all
the alcohol and adrenaline made a great mirage for the
constant throbbing pain in my shin that was now very present.
From afar, it didn’t look like it was too deep in, so I tried to get
it out with my finger. Just as I was about to do so, the door of
the bathroom opened. My first instinct was to slip in the bath
without even checking who it was and to draw the curtain
enough to cover my whole body except for my face. Water
splattered on the floor from how little care I had put into my
actions, which didn’t matter much when I heard Hanma say,
“Does bathing really require you yelling like that? I’m trying
to sleep here, doll.”
“Wasn’t the door locked? Didn’t I also ask you to leave? Get
out!” I said, my heart hammering against my ribcage while I
waited for him to step out to be able to slam the door shut and
place something, anything, in front of it so he wouldn’t come
in. With an expression that clearly meant he thought I was
stupid, Hanma quirked a brow. “I picked the lock, a door’s not
gonna stop me from getting to my girl,” He started
humorously. I saw his eyes flicker to the curtain, as if he tried
to get a glimpse of my body, which made my grip tighten on
the fabric. With a short nod of his chin, Hanma approached,
“Why did you scream?” He still had his shirt open, torn and
bloody. All that changed was that he had taken his shoes off
and as he stepped closer, his socks dampened from the water
that had splattered out of the bath. Meeting his gaze made it so
I couldn’t lie to him, at this very moment he was like a guard
dog more than a maniac who found amusement in beating the
shit out of a cop in a dark alley.
Sighing, I rested my chin on the edge of the bath along with
my elbows to shrug, “Why did you come running in?” He did
not have time to waste, of course he didn’t. When he was the
one fucking around, it was fine, but when I was, he did not
like it one bit. In a few measured moves, he was now right
next to me with only the bath separating us—he placed a hand
on my arm and opened the curtain wide before leaning over
and looking in the water. I was quick to press myself against
the tub in a desperate attempt to cover myself, “Get out!” I
reached for the curtain, but he got it out of my reach quickly
before rolling up his sleeves and kneeling by the bath. I placed
my hand on his head to push him back when I saw the gauze
on his stomach tainted red and refrained from doing so. It gave
him the opportunity to grab my arm and force me to the center
of the bath. “Let go of me now.” I said in a less distressed
manner, hoping the change of tone would show how serious I
was.
All it did was bring his attention back to my face instead of the
rest of my body, “It’s not something I haven’t seen before,
don’t ya remember that cute moment we had on your
balcony?” He said mockingly before plunging his hand in the
water while still holding my arm to grab my thigh. I raised my
knee to try to kick him, but he pushed it back down. “Your
mouth was around my cock minutes ago, don’t act proper now,
yeah?” His statement shut me up but didn’t cut off the fighting
spirit—with one strong pull, I freed my arm from his hold,
hitting my elbow against the tub in the process and bringing
my hand to hold it as I hissed. “Are you done yet? Or are you
gonna keep fighting me off for longer? Cause I’m not gonna
lie, I’m this close to knocking you out.” He said in a dead
serious tone with his eyes boring into mine like I was one of
his victims, which hopefully I was not about to become.
“Depends, will you let me go?” I replied rapidly.
“Depends, can you stand up and keep your mouth shut?” With
that he patted his shoulders to tell me I could balance on him.
His hand hesitantly let go of my thigh but stayed in the water
just in case. If my body wasn’t burning because of the water—
which I saw had made Hanma’s hand turn redder than it
usually was—it was burning in embarrassment. Tearing my
gaze from his, I struggled to turn around in the bath and stood
up so my back was facing him. I still covered myself the best I
could with my arms and waited for him to say something. At
first I heard him let out a short laugh, it made my cheeks heat
up more than they already were, then I felt a stinging pain on
my ass. “God, I’ve wanted to do that for so long—” He started
in pure elation. Cutting him off, I slammed a hand on the wall
and looked over my shoulder, “You’re done! Get out, I don’t
know what you want, but—” His face was back to that
arrogant one I knew, he was not going to move anytime soon
and he said so himself. “Turn around. How can I inspect the
goods if you’re not being cooperative?” He asked in a matter-
of-fact way. Without much time to answer, he spoke again,
“Shit, you were more helpful on your knees, maybe back then
you would have let me fuck you,” I felt a handon my hip, “I’m
sure if I hadn’t got shot, you would have woken me up by
riding my dick, at least I would have—” I turned around so
fast I hadn’t realized what I had done, the reddening skin on
his cheek the only tell of my instinctive reaction at his crude
words.
Even if a smile was slowly building on his lips, it wasn’t a
happy one. I could hardly tell if it was amusement or anger,
and by the grip on my hips of his two hands, I was leaning
towards the latter. “Don’t think of me as this shallow, if I
wanted your dick so bad I know how easy it would have been
to get it. I stood by your side not for your fucking dick, nor
your sour personality but because I—” I forced myself to shut
my mouth when his face turned deadpan and his eyes locked
on mine, clearly waiting for me to finish that sentence and
annoyed at the words I had spoken. My eyes flickered to each
of his many times, not knowing where to settle; I was
uncomfortable under his insistent gaze and awaiting his next
words with apprehension. I had forgotten to cover myself back
after slapping him, but he didn’t even let out a single
flirtatious remark, instead his eyes ogled my body with almost
disinterest.
Guilt riddled my mind quickly; in the hopes of having him talk
again, I placed one hand on his shoulder and the other very
delicately on his reddening cheek. He didn’t flinch, he didn’t
move, he did not react at all, all he did was take in my body. “I
didn’t mean—” “You never mean shit, the most honest you’ve
been was in that alley.” I was surprised once again by his
words, he did not seem the type to get hurt. Then again, which
part of my words had hurt him? Not wanting his dick? That
had been a lie, of course, but it was true I wouldn’t have gone
that far if he was passed out. The cold demeanor he displayed
was a stark contrast to his actions as he wrapped his arms
around my waist and pressed his face to my stomach. “When
you let me beat up that guy—you were enjoying it too, right?”
He asked, insanity dripping from his words as his eyes were
half-closed from his widening smile against my skin.
“You didn’t stop me, because you liked it, because it’s alright
to hit someone if I do it for you, is that it?” He asked with
pursed lips, making fun of me and my choice of actions—or
lack thereof. I was past the shyness of him seeing me naked,
right now I was too caught up in the direction he was going in,
so I listened intently. “Isn’t that fucked up? I hope you at least
got turned on, I was giving a whole show out there.” I don’t
remember what I felt in that alley, all I remember was that,
like he said, I enjoyed seeing him like that. There was
something intriguing about knowing I was safe even as he
unleashed so much strength on someone to the point of almost
killing them. Maybe, was the answer I thought I had
whispered.
He was capable of terrible things, I had seen them first-
handed.
Assault, torture, manipulation, blackmail, murder.
All of which used to stop me from feeling anything for him,
from seeing him as he was right now. As his hands trailed
down my body while he stared at my bruised stomach,
something close to worry clouded his gaze before stopping his
hands at my calves and frowning. I moved my leg to try to get
it out of his way but quickly stopped when his hand moved to
the back of my leg and kept me there. I had to hold onto his
shoulders for balance. “And how did that happen?” He started
through gritted teeth, “Maybe I should tell that Haitani fucker
to stop damaging what’s mine—” I interrupted him with a dry
scoff, finding it unbelievable to hear him be possessive. “I
accidentally dropped the tray of shots and forgot about the
whole shit, I guess I had other things in mind.” Our eyes met,
“Like taking care of the cops, or of your gunshot wound, you
know, trying to keep you alive and all that.” His face was
unreadable, it was making me self-conscious. Now that
everything was calming down and there was no heat of the
argument to fuel the mood, I was becoming more aware of my
nudity.
Suddenly, he grinned manically, “And you did such a good
job, is that what you want to hear?” His hands trailed up from
my legs to my waist, water dripping from his arms as they
surfaced from the bath and warmed me up for a few seconds,
“Do you like knowing you’re useful? Do you want to be used?
Is that what you want?” He said while moving his big hands to
the back of my thighs, right under my ass, while placing his
chin on my stomach and looking at me. There was no helping
the throbbing between my legs, he was getting to me and it
was not helpful at all; all I wanted was to bathe, treat my
wound and sleep. Even if deep down I wanted him, more than
anything, the words left my mouth faster than I could think
them. “Let me bathe and go to sleep. We’re both still drunk, I
don’t think any of us are thinking straight.” Meaning I knew
we’d both regret it, or would we? I don’t know what he was
doing, why he wasn’t leaving, nor what he wanted but if he
kept looking at me like that, even with how vulgar he was, I
might do something I’ll regret.
His eyes searched mine for something while his hands slid on
my back, bringing me closer to him. If I didn’t know him, I
would say he was hugging me, but was he one for affection? I
doubted it. “What are you thinking about that makes you say
that?” He left a kiss on my stomach with that widening grin of
his, then left another one lower, “Because I couldn’t be more
sober right now, babe.” His eyes were half-hooded as he
lowered his head between my legs, I saw him smile wickedly
as he pressed another kiss. It seemed I had more self-restraint
than I thought because I pushed his head away and freed
myself from his hands before sitting back in the burning water.
A hiss escaped my lips at the difference in temperature but I
stayed there, my knees pulled to my chest. “I need to get
cleaned up, now that you know I’m fine you can—” “Leave,
yeah, yeah, I get it. But then again, I could use a bath too.” He
said while standing up and taking his shirt off. I knew he was
doing it on purpose by the way he glanced at me from the
corner of his eyes, a smirk adorning his features.
“Shuji, please, can you leave me be for 20 minutes? Stay at
my place, do whatever you want but I need some time alone, I
—” I closed my mouth a moment to not speak too fast, to take
a few seconds to compose myself. I had spent so much time in
his presence, even if for most of it he had been passed out, that
I was starting to consider letting him join me. Fortunately, I
was still in a right state of mind, I knew it was a bad idea—not
that that sane state of mind was present moments ago when I
was sucking him off. At the thought, I glanced at his crotch
then looked back ahead of me at the wall as I wrapped my
arms around my legs, “It’s a simple favor, really. Just 20
minutes for me, and me alone.” I was pleading, and he liked it
more than he should have. I knew he had liked that weak tone
when his smile faltered before covering it as he grabbed his
shirt from the ground.
I thought I had won, that I was going to have my pride, or
what was left of it, and my free time. But I was wrong, once
again. On his way out, he looked over his shoulder and
chuckled, “And here I thought you’d never ask a favor of me.
Funny how far we’ve come, huh?” I was sure I heard him
mumble to himself something about begging, but I couldn’t
care less. Now that he was gone, I used the precious time of
his absence to get cleaned up and enjoy the little time I had on
my own to relax.
That is if one could relax when bloody thoughts and ideas
plague one’s mind. If it wasn’t for the sound of the TV playing
loudly downstairs, I would have gone spiraling in dark
thoughts again.
If it wasn’t… for the TV playing loudly—“It’s three in the
morning, what is he doing?” That was enough to get me out of
the bath and unplugging the cap, before getting dressed in a
hurry. I had taken out the glass shards with my fingers in the
bath without caring much and let the soap clean it up; I had
planned on cleaning the wound properly afterwards, but
clearly I had other things to do. When I slammed the door shut
and was about to go downstairs to tell Hanma off, there wasn’t
any more sound coming from the living-room.
Only quiet welcomed me in the corridor.
I stood there a moment, surrounded by darkness, ears wide
open for any sound but there was nothing.
I waited a few more moments and when there was still no
sound, I retreated back to my room. “I need sleep…” I
mumbled as I turned on my bed lamp, almost pushing off the
bedside table when a voice rang close to my ear, “Then get to
bed, but first we should play doctor. I treat your stupid glass
scratch and you patch me up, sounds good?” The voice said
cockily. Before even turning around, I took a deep breath—
this is fine, I can handle him just a bit longer—he wasn’t
wrong by saying he needed patching up. I had seen in the
bathroom how red the gauze had become.
“Fine, I’ll go get everything.” I did not have time to step away
because Hanma was holding my forearm, stopping me from
leaving. “Got everything right here, doll. Sit down and don’t
complain,” He grabbed my ankle without much care and
placed my foot in his lap before continuing while rummaging
through the kit, “Not that you should complain, we both know
you like the pain.” He said as he pressed the cotton on my
wound, his eyes staring right back at mine while I hissed at the
stinging pain. I couldn’t help but glance at how bruised his
knuckles were; I didn’t take care of them, having forgotten,
but they seemed clean so I assumed he had done it himself.
“Why would you assume that?” I gritted through my teeth. I
had a hard time keeping my eyes open from how comfortable
my bed was, even if I was only sitting on it for now, but if he
was there I couldn’t let my guard down completely—so I
stayed aware. Hanma’s gaze never left mine as he took the
tweezers from the kit and smiled softly, “Didn’t say no.” He
shrugged, his eyelids drooping just like mine were. All his
energy seemed to be gone, all that spark he had had
disappeared but he was still trying to keep up appearances. I
was too tired to give him an answer and instead a pained grunt
escaped my lips when I felt the metallic tool dig in my skin to
pull out a small shard of glass. “You do a shitty work,
hopefully you did a better job at patching me up.” He said
mockingly while brushing his thumb over the wound on my
shin. When he was convinced, he wiped it clean and carefully
wrapped it up before lifting my leg a bit higher.
I wanted to tell him to stop fucking around and to let it go, but
when he placed a kiss on my foot, then on my knee, I pulled
my leg free by pushing his arm off and cursing him under my
breath. I instantly regretted it, after all he hadn’t done anything
bad. If anything, he had been sweet, even if just for a second.
“I’m sorry,” I started without looking at him then pointed for
him to lay down, “I’m just tired, let’s get this over with.” I
sighed, unsure if he had heard me from how low my voice
was. There was nothing between us, I couldn’t feel the tension
that usually was because we were both on the verge of passing
out. And my mind was too busy overthinking everything that
had happened.
Part of me wanted to banter with the man, but I had no energy.
The warm shower seemed to have been the final straw and
now I was battling exhaustion as I carefully took off the gauze
from Hanma’s wound. “Doesn’t look half bad, maybe we
should add one more stitch, right…” He lifted himself a bit
from the bed to grab all that I had left in the kit in my panicked
state; his hands weren’t shaking like mine had been and he
managed quite easily to do all that I struggled to do last time.
Worry was probably painted on my face as I waited with a
fresh gauze in hand and watched him contort himself to poke
the needle in his own skin, “There.” He said through measured
breaths, clearly pained. I grimaced at the sight and placed my
hand under his side when a few droplets of blood trickled
down, almost falling on my sheets. “I’d have done it, you
could have asked. Come on, let me—” “Done!” He said while
grabbing the small pair of scissors and handing me the thread
and needle then pointing at the towel behind me.
Following his instructions, I wiped my hands then his wound
before handing the towel to him. I couldn’t believe he was
alive and breathing, nor how easy he had been to recover.
Clearly he was not in the best shape, he had barely regained
color to his face but seeing him content and wearing that smirk
of his was enough to relieve some of my worry. Seeing the
sewed-shut wound, I was hit by a flashback of hours ago when
I was hurriedly trying to keep him alive. My hands started
shaking again, but I pressed the gauze against his skin before
he could see it. “I..” Thought you were going to die and oddly,
the thought made me sad. I hate it. “I’m so tired…” of the
danger you bring, the pain you make me go through, the pain
you go through yourself. I made sure it was holding on
properly then closed the kit and leaned over the bed to put it
under it.
As I sat back on the bed, Hanma was now also sitting and I felt
his hands take mine. I had yet to meet his gaze, if I did I would
do something I’d regret, or something regrettable. “You
really…” did something to me, you changed me in a way I’m
not sure I like, but have a hard time hating. When you’re there
I feel like you could make me do the worst things, because they
wouldn’t look that bad compared to all that you’ve done. “You
really bring trouble, I don’t know if I can keep doing this…”
His hands traveled up my arms and held my shoulders tight
before going over them and placing themselves on my back as
he held me close. He left one hand on my back while the other
tilted my face against his chest, forcing me to look at him. My
face heated up at the intimate action, something he hardly did,
but I did not have the strength to complain. It felt warm, it felt
comfortable, it felt right.
“Stop thinking, you’re gonna fuck yourself over.” Hanma said
in all seriousness, not an ounce of playfulness in his eyes at
that very moment. Leaning back a second, he put his glasses
on my nightstand and looked back at me with that same
expression while I stared at him in awe, mouth agape from
how beautiful he looked. I’d later blame it on exhaustion, even
if I knew it was not solely to blame. “Empty that pretty head,”
he tapped my temple, “or change that stupid mindset you
have.” He said a bit more roughly. I would have usually fought
back hard, but he was right that I would go down if I kept
thinking like that. Guilt would eat me alive, even if he hadn’t
put it like that, but it did not stop me from asking out loud,
“How?”
“How am I supposed to forget I killed a man?” I started before
looking at his chest as I got lost in thought and continued, “Or
that I shot that poor woman… I was ready to have a cop
corrupted for fun just because—” you rejected me. I couldn’t
tell him that. Shuji shrugged as he let go of me but didn’t
move away, “I told you they deserved it, stop thinking about it
and drown out your thoughts, I don’t know.” He said, almost
annoyed. I needed to stop talking, exhaustion made me say
things I wouldn’t have usually pondered out loud, even less
with Hanma by my side. He was not being the most helpful
either. So I scoffed, “Easy for you to say, you thrive in all of
this—” “You could too, if you let go of that goodness you’re
still convinced you have.” Even if he had said so almost in
disinterest, boredom even, I saw the way he was looking at
me. That enticing gaze of his that even when filled with
disdain didn’t make me leave or run away. I didn’t care if he
was mad, because at least he wasn’t boring. I didn’t want him
to fold.
But that didn’t matter. No matter what he said, I was now
starting to think more and more of all that had happened
tonight; what goodness remained after all I had done? Not
only did I try to corrupt a cop, but my actions had made Shiho
and Sanzu meet, a cop was now in the hospital because of me
—Hanma had gotten shot.
My eyes that had long since focused on the pattern of my
sheets were now staring right back at golden orbs that slowly
disappeared behind closed lids—a slow kiss, that’s what was
happening.
A slow kiss that made my chest clench and my hands roam to
his shoulders as I kissed back, all thoughts in my mind gone
with the exception of how nice it felt to feel him alive. I
pushed him onto the bed without thinking, only breaking the
kiss to breathe before having him roll me over to be on top.
His expression fell from excited to confused quickly when he
pulled back and saw my face, “Are you really crying from a
kiss?” He asked mockingly, his words less articulate from
tiredness. “From exhaustion, just exhaustion. I’m tired, not
desperate.” I mumbled before wiping the tears, pushing him
off me and turning around with an arm under my pillow while
I struggled to slide under the blanket. Once I managed to do
so, I ignored Hanma completely. Whatever happened seconds
ago needed to be forgotten.
I don’t know why he had kissed. Nor why I kissed back.
I don’t know why I cried either, but it wouldn’t happen again.
All that happened tonight was going to be shoved in the depths
of my mind, buried.
It couldn’t be hard to do so since he’d disappear once again,
without giving any news. Or at least that’s what I thought. But
the weight left the bed, the light turned off then I felt the
sheets lift and the weight returned.
A hand slithered under my shirt and on my stomach while his
chest was pressed against my back. My hair rose on my arms,
I hesitated putting my hand on his but even dazed in sleepiness
I didn’t dare—but neither did I move his hand, no… I enjoyed
it. It was always surprising to know he could be gentle even
amidst all this violence that he seemed so keen on letting out.
And if he had some soft bone to him, maybe he wasn’t so bad?
My hand slid under the cover. After all, he hadn’t done
anything to hurt me except for pleasure, when we had been on
the couch and he had bit me, something I could see myself
begging for more. I hesitated once plunged in the warmth of
our bodies pressed against one another to bring my hand to
his; however, that hesitation didn’t last long when my cold
hand met his on my stomach as I awkwardly threaded my
fingers with his without saying anything. I felt him chuckle,
the rumble of his laugh sending shivers down my spine when
he breathed down my neck before moving a bit higher on the
bed to not have his feet dangle off the end.
“I knew you liked me, glad you’re finally being honest.” He
whispered as he rested his chin on the top of my head on the
pillows.
Answering him would only dig my grave deeper, I was fully
aware of that. But faking slumber was not such a great idea
after having just moved to hold his hand, he commented on it,
“We’ll blame it on you being tired, right? It’s easier like that,
for you of course, if it were me I’d already be flaunting you
like a prize.” He brought our hands under the elastic of my
pants but stopped simply at the warmth underneath. “Hard
earned prize.”
He was trying to rile me up but it had the opposite effect, it
was soothing to have him play with me like that. To have him
flirt and touch me—it made me sigh in ease. His hand brought
me closer, right against him with no space between us, I held
back a gasp at the sudden movement but listened with my
hand gripping his. “Tomorrow you’ll be sober and rested,
we’ll see what your excuse is then.” He said mockingly before
pressing a kiss on the back of my head and getting comfortable
by moving a leg between mine.
He was right, I had been giving into him a lot more tonight
simply because I knew I could blame it on the alcohol, and
later the exhaustion.
But how will I fare in the morning?
When those feelings I’d been repressing are not gone, but
afloat.
When I’ll want to be closer to him even if I know it’s wrong.
When I’ll feel the need to pull him into a kiss to help drown
those thoughts he so easily got rid of while I’ve barely been
able to keep them at bay.
We’ll see then… what my excuse will be.
Chapter End Notes

Hello hello, finals are coming in close. I’ll be focusing on

studying a bit more, hence the time I took to update! I’ll
update <2 weeks for sure, maybe fast, maybe not. It’ll
depends on how well I manage my time.
ON A FUNKIER NOTE : thoughts? I think it’s some fun
stuff I gave yall haha….. Some head, some loss of sanity
perhaps? I think it’s cute :) What do you think?
Now you’ve read it, I can tell you what ruined me this
entire chapter : the tiktok sounds ‘I’m gonna have to get
my cock out’ and clearly… saved dick by giving it CPR
from Cupcakke… haha
Words : 12 689
Added on 15th December 2021
 Chapter 12
Chapter Notes

TW : https://drugabuse.com/drugs/ecstasy/mdma-
overdose/
Inspired by :
https://twitter.com/hshs_mrmr_dg/status/1441345118477
291530?s=20
See the end of the chapter for more notes

They say sleep is the best cure for many things. But it did not
help much with my exhaustion, seeing how little I’d slept.
When I woke up in the morning, the sun was already out—or
at least the night was gone and a cold light shone right through
the curtains. Even if it was still autumn, the sky was as white
as a winter day and the weather felt like it too, freezing and
draining. I snuggled back under the covers to enjoy the heat a
little longer and closed my eyes again to fall back asleep, then
it hit me. Everything that had happened last night came
flashing back in my mind, the Halloween party, how drunk I
was—that was hard to forget with the pounding in my head—
Hanma’s wound, and perhaps the worse, only morally, the
little I cared upon remembering Shuusuke’s state.
Sitting up straight, I threw the blanket off my form and only
saw a red stain by my side on the mattress, however the man
responsible for it was nowhere to be seen. I had yet to decide
if I was relieved or disappointed by his absence, but I was not
revelling in waking up without him by my side. It did make
me wonder where he had gone, but instead of wasting the few
brain cells I had this early in the morning on him, I got out of
bed and automatically went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
I hadn’t checked the time I had gone to sleep, nor the time that
I woke up, so when I entered the bathroom and it was still
steamy, I thought it was because of my late night bath and
didn’t think much of it. Half-dazed and relaxed from finally
being alone after such a long and eventful night, it felt like my
ears were still ringing from all the music and all the adrenaline
that coursed through my body. My movements felt muddy and
slowed as I put toothpaste on my toothbrush and sighed.
The sudden sound of the curtains of my bath drawing open,
but not completely, scared me out of my skin, making me slam
my hand on the sink in surprise. “Ah you woke up, it was a bit
dull without you. Join me.” Hanma patted the water making it
splatter around a bit before placing his arm on the side of the
bath and resting his head on his forearm. My eyes wandered to
his muscles and the top of his back for a mere moment, there
were a lot of faint scars on the little skin I could see and I had
a hard time knowing if I found it attractive or sad. “You’re
gawking,” He started, giving me a lazy once over before
meeting my gaze and smirking, “Let me gawk too, I didn’t
have enough time to take in the sight last night.” He grinned
before leaning his head back against the tub, his head dipping
back slightly as he sighed happily, “But you took, you took so
well—maybe not the sight, but my cock remembers your
eagerness very well.” His arms were both holding the side of
the bath, drumming his fingers on it absentmindedly.
I remembered just as well as he did, the only vaguer moments
were the ones in the alley and at the hospital, but it all cleared
up when I saw Hanma’s state. Nothing was forgotten from
then on. “I don’t remember.” I said with a straight face before
shoving my toothbrush in my mouth and brushing my teeth,
turning around to meet my reflection. From the corner of my
eyes, I could see the rose-colored water of the bath that was
tainted by Hanma’s blood; bathing after getting shot was
probably a bad idea, but who was I to say anything? He was
alive, that’s what mattered. “Is that so?” I heard him ask
daringly, maybe even trying to have me admit I did remember.
All I gave him as an answer was a bored hum, I wanted to tell
him to leave me alone, to go back to his place but now that I
knew he was here, there was this electricity-like feeling
coursing through my body.
Leaning over to get water in my mouth, I heard the water in
the bath moving before dripping loudly as Hanma stepped out
of it. I kept my head down longer while washing my mouth,
then spat it out before straightening my back and letting out a
swear under my breath when I saw Hanma’s form standing
right behind me, still undressed, still dripping wet, his hair let
down just like that time I had visited his place. Inside, I
scoffed, it was not much of a visit as much as it was a mistake,
all I had seen was his cock, not his apartment.
Our gazes met in the mirror, his eyes glimmered with mischief
while mine were apprehensive about what he had in mind; the
smirk adorning his features was the only thing telling me he
was feeling playful. I saw his right hand slither around my
waist before feeling it, then my hips were pressed against his
as his left hand was under my chin to hold my jaw tight,
forcing me to look at our reflections. I hissed at the feeling of
his wet body against my clothes, the fabric stuck to my skin in
the most uncomfortable way. All I could do was try to pull
away, but his hold was strong. “Look at you,” He started, the
hand around my waist slithering under my shirt, lifting it more
and more as his smile grew. He pressed a soft kiss where my
neck and shoulders met, “You sure you don’t remember last
night? Should I refresh your memory?” his breath tickled the
shell of my ear as he whispered those words, hair rose down
my neck. When I felt him reach my breast, I gripped his hand
through my shirt and warned, “Shuji,” His hand didn’t move
from its spot, but it squeezed. His lips had returned to my skin
and I could feel his warm tongue caress it. I pulled his hand
out of my shirt with a huff, “If you can talk shit and act like
this, then get out. I don’t want you here.” I said as I turned
around and pointed at the door.
Just as fast, Hanma balanced my weight on the sink and
himself to lift me on it, his hands holding the back of my
thighs like his life depended on it. I complained angrily and
tried to kick him off, but instead he guided my legs to wrap
them around his waist as he leaned over, “You don’t want me
here? That’s a lie—” He interrupted himself and laughed
loudly as if he had said the funniest thing before resting his
forehead against mine, “No, right, it’s not a lie. Last night you
didn’t want me, you wanted this,” He looked down at his cock
then pried my mouth open roughly, “In here. Is that right?” He
cooed condescendingly, his thumb brushing over the edges of
my teeth slowly while his eyes locked on his own action,
enthralled. The faucet was digging in my back but I didn’t
want to move, because if I did, he might have stopped. Saliva
was drooling down my open mouth, embarrassing me more
than anything. To understand what he wanted, I tried to meet
his gaze, in vain. So I didn’t say anything.
It was not the answer to his question, we both knew the answer
to it, but we also both knew it wouldn’t be fun to admit
anything right now. Something inside me told me it was not
the right time to fold and be true with him, not when he still
thought of this, us, as a game. Maybe if he showed some sign
of caring more than just to appease his sexual needs, I’d let
myself be vulnerable around him, maybe I’d let him touch me
gently and not roughly like he was so keen on doing, maybe
I’d want to hold him.
Maybe I’d kiss him.
Because I cared.
But he didn’t.
With this thought clear in mind, I kept one hand on the counter
to stay balanced and reached for his face to tenderly cradle it
with one hand, “Sucking you off doesn’t get the scumbag out
of you, Hanma.” I said with a sweet smile then whispered,
“You’re still a heartless bastard.” It threw him off, his crazy
happy smile was now gone and knowing him, he’d either get
mad or not care. With how his jaw clenched, I thought the
former and pushed him off by pressing a hand on his wound
and hurrying out the bathroom when he laughed through his
groans, “This whole prey-predator is a lot funnier when you
don’t play dirty, doll.” He called out right when I slammed the
door shut and stomped downstairs, past the blood-tainted bed
and the mess I had left last night. I was expecting to be met
with leftovers of last night, blood-drenched towels, blanket on
the couch and pillows on the ground, but everything had been
put back in its place.
It was one last thing for me to do and I had Hanma to thank for
that, but thanking him felt wrong after what I had told him, so
I went to the kitchen and prepared breakfast while he got
dressed. At first I was only going to cook for me, but I knew
the man, there was no way he was leaving now that I had
challenged him. At least, that’s how he’d see it, even if it was
anything but a challenge. My body was sore. It slowed my
movements while I cooked, but the worst was in my leg,
which I ignored because in the back of my head I was aware
Hanma had it worse, so I couldn’t complain. It was not a great
way of thinking, but it helped somehow.
I managed to stay standing the entire time I made the food,
only leaning against the counter a few times. Hanma had yet to
join me, which worried me, but I was not going to check up on
him, it was for the best if I did not spend more time with him.
It felt like a déjà vu of last night to have this thought, however
when he joined me in bed for the night, I had relaxed, it had
been reassuring. I realized it was not smart to feel good around
him, that the feelings I had did not match my actions and my
words… “This is a vicious circle, I know all that.” I mumbled
to myself then got myself a serving of what I had made, “Pull
yourself together and act like nothing ever happened. Ever.” I
told myself. Convincing myself was harder than I thought it
would be when he came walking downstairs with the safety kit
in hands while wearing a completely different outfit than he
had worn last night. Instead of putting back on the torn and
bloodied clothes, he was wearing a clean white shirt, the first
three buttons undone, and a fresh pair of grey slacks with
black socks. He stopped at the end of the stairs to put on his
shoes before standing up.
Quickly looking away, I sat at the dining table without even
glancing his way; instead, I unlocked my phone and started
checking the messages I had received while unavailable last
night. The first thing I saw were texts from an unknown
number.
Unknown: grilll
Unknown: girll
Unknown: girlfrined
Unknown: did yuo go home
Unknown: hot pink hair guy
Unknown: i took some graet stuff, im feeling so good rn
Unknown: goingg homo wihth him
Unknown: home
Unknown: im homo but home lmao
All those messages had been sent last night. As funny as they
were, I didn’t connect the dots until I saw the most recent
messages that had been sent earlier today.
Unknown: sorry it’s shiho
Unknown: went home with that hot dude im alive
Before reading further, I saved her number quickly then
continued reading. It allowed me to ignore Hanma when he sat
at the table with his own plate and the attitude of someone
who owned the house. I had to hold back a comment by
shoving food in my mouth when he put his feet on one of the
chairs without even asking.
Shiho: i know about the g word dont know if i can mention it
through text
Shiho: want to meet up to talk about it? it’s kinda hot ngl
Shiho: when you wake up
Shiho: you’ll have to tell me about
My whole world seemed to fall apart after reading her
messages—how could Sanzu tell her about Bonten so early?
Why did he even tell her? What did he have in mind? What
was the angle? What I wanted to do was call her and tell her to
run the fuck away from this man and from Bonten, that if she
was still alive she should make a run for it, but I held back.
Even if I was the one at fault for bringing her to that club, for
letting her out of my sight while I was busy with Hanma, for
supporting her idea of getting wasted—which was a fine idea
at the time, only if it was not with him—she was still a grown
woman.
Me: Feels like we both need pest control… Let me get that rat
out of my house, then we’ll meet up. Do you have any place in
mind?
I barely had time to send the message before my phone was
snatched out of my hand, “Kinda disrespectful to not give me
your attention,” Hanma started while shoving a piece of bread
in his mouth; even through this anger I felt towards him for
being this childish, I could not help but take a good look at his
wounded knuckles. It almost made his hands prettier, or
perhaps it was knowing how violent they could be that drew
me in. I snapped out of it quickly when he continued, “Who’s
Shiho?” With surprise, he chuckled, “You weren’t lying when
you said you had friends, shit that’s good for you doll.”
“Enough, hand it back.” I stood my ground with my hand out
for him to put the phone in it. That playfulness he so
desperately held onto never left his face as his eyes flickered
from me to the phone before scrolling up the conversation.
“You know what, do what you want.” The more attention I
give you, the more you feel the need to tease me, that’s why
ignoring you is the solution.
A short silence followed while I finished up my plate all while
throwing glances at my phone, but not at Hanma, no. If I met
his eyes even one time he’d think I was playing along. “A
rat?” He asked, clearly having reached the end of the
conversation, “I’d say how the tables have turned—but you
don’t mean that.” The latter part was said like both knew it,
and we did, it had been sad last night when he got hurt by my
words, but I had to play the part of not remembering much.
That’s why I kept my mouth shut. “Don’t think you’d fuck a
rat either, they’re the lowest scum.” This time, I looked up at
him, “And you’ve called me a rat many times when this all
began. What kind of message should I get from that?” I said
half-jokingly, half-amazed that he could say that after I had
proven myself. But being who he was, I couldn’t be mad
much, he was kind of funny—catching myself slipping, I
bottled up those happy feelings I felt around him and stood up
to place my plate in the kitchen.
As I did so, I saw that Hanma was frowning like I had said the
most stupid thing, that the answer was obvious. It rapidly
vanished to leave room to just watch me with observant eyes
as his lips curled into a smirk. “That’s a stupid question, what
you should ask is, and it is off topic,” He quickly said before
pausing, then mockingly mimicked my voice and said, “Shuji,
when’s the next errand?” He stood up but continued, “I don’t
want you to leave again, can we do the next errand together?
Not because I like you, just because you’re my safety net.” If I
scoffed it wasn’t out of frustration, I suppose I thought like
that, but I’d never say it out loud, nor in that tone. Putting the
plate down, I could feel my face heating up by the second; I
still kept my composure when I faced him, he was now
standing next to me by the sink.
“Are you done? You asked the question yourself, now answer
it too. When’s the next errand?” I asked with more force. Even
if he was in a joking mood, I was done with his shit for now.
At least, I was done hearing him mock me if it was to
embarrass me this much. “Mmm, probably next Friday or
Saturday.” The man shrugged as he leaned on the island
behind him, bringing the attention back to his chest when he
crossed his arms over it, “It’s going to be something fun, but
since you’re giving me attitude I won’t tell you what it is.” I
looked up from his chest to see his bored yet beautiful face, a
flash of that same face contorted in pleasure appearing in my
mind but getting outshined by that of when it contorted in pain
on the couch. Shaking the thought away, I sighed, “I’ve never
been given any time to prepare, it wouldn’t be a shock.”
Mirroring his actions, I leaned against my side of the counter,
in front of him; if the topic had changed, I feel like I could
have a proper conversation this time. Which was once more a
foolish thought of mine, but I still spoke.
With a nod towards him, I asked, “I don’t remember having
those in my house, where did you get them?”
Smiling, he looked down at his outfit and grinned, “I have the
key to your house and maybe you should work on your
observation skills a bit more.” He said as he placed a hand on
the side of his mouth as if to tell a secret, “Or maybe I should
be worried?”
Frowning, I looked at him confused and asked why he should
be worried. If it was just him, there wasn’t much I could do
against him walking in my house. To that, he answered, “I
placed the clothes in your secret drawer, doll.” What secret
drawer, I thought at first, then he mimicked going in the
drawers and from where he was moving his arm, my face lit
up. “Yeah, that one. It means you haven’t picked up the little
guy since at least my birthday, it’s a bit sad if you ask me.” “I
placed it back in the drawer that same night, your stuff wasn’t
there—” “Then you didn’t look enough, babe. Trauma makes
you forget stuff, I guess.” He said off-handedly before his
attention got caught by something in the living room, that’s
when he pushed himself off the counter and walked out of the
kitchen.
Following him, I called out, “You don’t get to say shit like
this, because I’m more than fine right now, okay?” He only
threw me a glance before grabbing my phone from the table
and reading the message out loud, “Yeah I’ll send you the
address, is he really a rat, if it’s the guy you were with last
night,” He pointed at himself in shock, “Then he’s so hot, I
told you crazier is sexier,” Fake flattery was painted on his
face, he got the phone out of my reach but still tilted towards
him so he could keep reading. “I have so much to tell you,”
This time he stopped reading and looked at me, eyes widened
humorously, “She talks a lot, but guess you got your meeting
spot.” He handed me the phone back, her most recent message
was the address, but she was still sending some; I put the
phone back on the table and shoved Hanma’s shoulder in
anger.
“I wasn’t done, I have been holding on quite fucking well if
you ask me—” “I didn’t ask. What do you need? Praise for not
crying?” He raised his chin to nod my way before taking a step
closer, his chest pressed against mine as he looked down at
me, “I’ll let you in on something fun,” He paused and leaned
over, his lips right next to my ear, “You owe me your sanity.”
Goosebumps ran down my entire body not only from his
breath, but also from his words. He was too haughty. “I don’t
owe you shit. I saved your life.” I told him with determination
before stepping back from him. He grabbed my arm and kept
me right where I was before I could move. Gritting my teeth
together, I asked him to let go but he didn’t, instead he spoke
again.
“I’m gonna need you to shut up for like one minute, then I’ll
let your little dependent-‘independent’ ass alone, yeah?” He
quoted the independent part with his fingers, then continued
by cooing, “Can you do that for me and shut your mouth?”
Holding his gaze with conviction, I didn’t nod but didn’t speak
either. It was all I’d give him right now, because I feared what
he’d say, as when he got serious he’d often be right.
A gentle hand placed itself on my cheek, “I am always there
whenever shit happens,” I held back from telling him it’s
because he was the reason they happened, “The chairman’s
death? Did I not call you that very night? When you killed that
woman, did I not fuck your worry away? When Ran beat you
up, did you not ride my thigh like a bitch in heat?” My eyes
widened at the realization of what he was getting at, my heart
sped up rapidly while my eyes darted to each of his, trying to
gauge if he was making fun of me. “And last night,” he smiled
mockingly, “all shaken from the policeman beaten on the floor,
from lying to protect me…” His hand slid from my cheek to
my jaw and gripped it so tight it hurt then leaned close enough
to have his lips ghost over mine, “Did I not fuck you dumb?
Because thinking gets you to bad, bad places. Right, doll?” I
was speechless, I did not know if he had done it on purpose,
but I knew I didn’t see it coming at all. That once again he had
caught me off guard and there was no way I could get back
from this.
His eyes looked straight into mine, mischief now present by
that glimmer in them. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think
straight. When I recalled anything that happened in the past, I
felt sick then remembered what he had done—then that feeling
would turn into excitement or embarrassment. Something
easier to deal with than guilt. “You should see the look on your
face right now.” His gaze traveled on the little he could see,
“You’re realizing how easy it was for me to get you to eat
right from my palm, that you fought so much, so, so much, for
nothing. You’re mine now, whatever you do, you’ll think of
me, you’ll want me—no, you’ll need me. Or you’ll go crazy.
So, drop the good girl act, huh?” I didn’t answer, instead I took
a shaky breath that he cut off by pressing his lips hungrily
against mine, his tongue intruding my mouth before I could
push him away. He laughed hysterically through the short kiss
before pulling back and letting go of me. I was already
missing the pressure of his hands on my arms, “You never
disappoint, I will see you later, doll.” He looked me up and
down before patting my cheek, his thumb barely brushing over
my skin, then his arm was back to his side as he walked to the
door, “Thank you for the meal and,” tapped his index finger to
his temple, “Think about what I said, it’ll make it easier for the
both of us.”
I gawked from the very spot he was just at, seconds ago. My
eyes couldn’t tear away from his form until he reached the
door, pulled out his pack of cigarettes from the jacket he had
grabbed from the couch and slammed the door shut. The loud
sound of the wood hitting the door frame was what pulled me
out of my daydream, or more of my day nightmare.
He was right. He had been subtle enough with his actions, so
subtle I didn’t see it coming; I simply thought he was overly
sexual, or vulgar, but he had a goal this entire time. Was it the
reason why I liked him? He had made sure all the comfort I
could find would be in his arms, that he would be the first
thing that’d come to my mind when I committed something
regrettable—and he had succeeded. Whatever action I did, I’d
think I’d have to prove myself to show he did not make a
mistake by taking me in. I started thinking of all those times he
mentioned…
A nervous giggle escaped my lips—I quickly covered my
mouth in hopes of muffling it but I only laughed louder,
bursting in laughter as tears ran down my cheeks. I felt them
on my hands and wiped them away over and over again, but
they kept coming, my laugh never stopping. Swearing under
my breath did not help, if anything it made me realize how bad
I was breathing. I couldn’t catch my breath and fell to my
knees to balance myself the best I could. My chest felt so
heavy, I couldn’t take full intakes of breath; it felt like
someone was crushing me with something heavy. I needed a
pressure I had control over to calm down, I needed to do
something I had control over, period.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I tightened my hold as
much as I could and felt my chest alleviate slightly, making it
easier to breathe for a short moment. A sob escaped my lips
when for a second I considered calling Hanma to come back,
to help me, to make me drown out the thoughts. It was stupid,
but it showed what he had done worked. I hated it and him for
that.
Through teary eyes, I unlocked my phone and started playing
music loudly and tried to sing along the best I could to focus
on something else.
It took me a few minutes, but when all I could hear were the
lyrics and my dreadful sobbing voice, I knew I had stopped
panicking.
I felt drained but not defeated.
All I had to do was keep myself together, be my own anchor
and get better. The question of what would have happened if
he hadn’t been there all those times did float around in my
head, however answering it would not resolve anything. It
would probably make me realize I was not as strong as I
thought I was, an awareness I did not need at this instant.
Picking up my phone from the ground, I entered a state of
numbness and got dressed in something decent without
thinking of anything before putting on my shoes and my coat.
With my wallet in my pocket along with my phone and keys, I
was ready to get to the address Shiho had sent me. From the
online map, it looked like it was around the richer
neighbourhood of the city, closer to Hanma’s apartment than
my place. It meant I had to take the subway. I let my feet guide
me out of habit, not because I had a goal in mind; I didn’t have
much in mind right now. No drive, no will.
It was stupid to let his words hit me so hard when he clearly
couldn’t care less, he was revelling in what he had done more
than anything. Ignoring him will be hard, I should just Pavlov
the man back, see what that does to him. Maybe I can make
him realize he did all of that because he liked me. I scoffed
dryly, a sad smile on my lips as I let the back of my head hit
the seat once I sat in the car of the subway. The moment I stop
being his personal jester, I’m done for, he’ll throw me away
like a used condom, I shook my head then ran my hands over
my face and through my hair, focus back on Shiho, convince
her to leave before she’s in your position, you idiot.
Humming, I made up a list of compelling arguments to make
her leave as fast as possible the entire ride until I arrived at my
stop and left the car. To not forget them, I mouthed them under
my breath over and over, ready to gun her down
metaphorically with the best reasoning I could think of. Yet,
even as determined as I had grown during that short trip from
my stop to this one, something else had grown within me, in
the pit of my stomach… I had this bad feeling while walking
down the street, like Shiho would not live in such a place—not
for lack of money, but it did not seem to suit her at all to live
somewhere located in the middle of the spotlight. While
known for being a rich neighbourhood, there had also been a
lot of deaths mentioned on TV, even if they were said to be of
natural cause—it was odd.
I’m overthinking,I thought before texting Shiho to tell her I
was there. When she took too long to answer, I checked the
names next to the buzzers to find hers, but I didn’t know her
last name. As I started reading the list out loud, the door was
pulled open suddenly, startling me in the process. I let out a
shaky gasp mixed with a laugh when I saw her standing right
there in nothing but a bathrobe, switching her balance from
foot to foot from how cold the tiled floor was. “Come in, come
in!” She said while grabbing my arm and pulling me in. I
heard her yelp when I accidentally stepped on her foot, but she
chuckled and said it was fine before telling me to follow her.
“Are we in a rush? There was something I needed to talk to
you about.” I started when we entered the elevator, she pressed
the button for the highest floor and looked at me with a sweet
smile, “Yes?” For a moment I considered not telling her, but
she needed to get out before it was too late. I was doing what
Kazutora would have done if he had had the guts to do it
earlier, “I’ll be straightforward, you know Sanzu and Hanma
are part of Bonten and the longer you stay, the harder it’ll be to
leave.” Her face lit up with something unreadable, probably
surprise, but it seemed to turn into eagerness rapidly when she
laughed excitedly, her hand grabbing my shoulder, “That’s not
fun! Clearly Sanzu won’t kill me, he looks like he might but
he’s more fun than anything.”
“It’s not fun when he’ll have you kill someone, Shiho. They’re
fucked up, the things I’ve done—” She interrupted me by
shaking her head, “This is where I did the smart thing, hear me
out.” The girl cleared her throat theatrically as she stepped in
front of me and placed both her hands on my shoulder, “I’m
not a handyman, I’m a trophy wife. Act pretty and get stuff,
you know?” The fact that she did not mind it at all baffled me,
we were now part of the same world and yet we seemed to be
in completely different dimensions. That happiness of hers
needed to be protected, because I knew it’d fade the longer she
stayed with him, with them. “They got money, so I could quit
my job, but I like it, my job I mean. I don’t respect it enough
to keep the info they give me to myself though, so if Bonten
asks, they absolutely shall receive the tea.”
I looked at her in awe, I couldn’t believe it. It seemed to have
been so easy for her to turn sides, to join people who did so
much wrong—and she did not mind at all. I did not know if it
was selfishness or self care, because her reasoning was that
they had money, she could get stuff. “You say all of that, as if
he’d respect whatever contract you have. You had sex,
nothing’s binding, nothing’s protecting you from him going
insane and putting a bullet in your brain!” I needed to take a
deep breath to calm down, then continued in a lower tone. I
knew raising it would not get the point across, so I let out a
sigh, “They’re unstable and if I had been in your place, I
would have liked someone to have told me so before it’s too
late.” She looked at me in deep thought, hopefully considering
leaving. That hope I had was fleeting, she placed a hand on my
cheek and smiled, “Thank you for the heads up, but right now
I’m fine—” “For now, exactly, but—” “And I’ll see it coming
when he goes insane, plus a little bit of insane can be kinda hot
if you think about it.” She pondered out loud.
I gave her a shocked face, she only chuckled as the elevator
doors opened, leading to a huge apartment, maybe even a
suite, “You know about it right? You’re still with that tall guy
—” Cutting herself off, she looked ahead of us and exclaimed,
“Speak of the devil.”
There Hanma walked by to get to the kitchen, he threw me a
side glance and smirked as he passed by. Quickly, I grabbed
Shiho’s arm, “Why is he here?” “He swung by a bit before you
arrived, said he needed to talk about something with Haru.”
She shrugged, then placed her hand on my arm and pulled me
with her to the living-room where Sanzu was seated, his arms
on the back of the large corner-shaped couch. The woman
stumbled a bit and seemed out of it, but I blamed it on
exhaustion. She then sat next to him, only to have him pull her
legs over his lap, his hands quickly traveling up her bathrobe
and onto her thighs. I looked away from the obvious display of
affection and started looking around at the place, they didn’t
need me to stare.
It was hard not to look at them; even from the corner of my
eyes I could see the pink-haired man lean over to grab
something from the table and place it in his mouth before
kissing Shiho with a much returned hunger. My eyes widened
at how close they had gotten in so little time but I kept my
gaze off of them, the place in itself was not very welcoming. It
had the bare minimum, but it was nothing cheap. It all was too
sleek, too minimalistic and too expensive, it lacked personality
if one were to ask me but no one did and I was no interior
designer. There were a few spots of green from the few plants
hanging here and there, but the rest was way too clean and too
empty. Maybe he’s renting the place? Leaving things about
himself could help people find his identity or people he
cherishes—if he even cherishes anyone.
A silent gasp escaped my lips while my heart skyrocketed in
less than a second when two hands pressed on my shoulders,
the thumbs brushing my back in a massage-like motion but I
was not going to relax, “You’re tensed, doll. Try to relax, it’s
all fun stuff here.” Hanma hummed reassuringly and yet his
tone was dripping with sarcasm, there was no way I’d relax
with him around now. At least that’s what I thought, but my
body reacted on its own and loosened just slightly; if not
physically, then I felt myself filled with some weird feeling
now that he was there. “Are you jealous they’re making out?”
He whispered mockingly. Unhooking his hands from my
shoulders, I scooted away from him and didn’t answer, all I
did was huff as I crossed my legs and rested my elbows on my
knees. I heard Hanma laugh wickedly while walking around
the couch to join us, a glass in hand as he sat right next to me.
There was no space between us, his thigh right against mine
that was now covered by his hand. I moved it away, only to
have him place it back, squeezing while he threw me a side
glance that said ‘I dare you to do that again’. I had gotten the
message loud and clear and decided to ignore him.
“Shiho, you wanted to talk about something.” I started,
hopefully confidence would come the more I spoke, I couldn’t
let myself be intimidated by those two men. I thought for a
second that Shiho was intimidating too now, from how she
seemed glued to the murderer. The woman pulled away from
the pink-haired man and grinned, her lips reddened from the
kiss, “Right! First, do you want any?” She said, her arm
extended to the table where a few transparent bags were open,
pills, powder and a few other things were on display. One’s
very own sweet wonderland only deadlier than sugar, but
perhaps just as addictive. “I’m good.” I smiled, meeting her
gaze and weighing my tone as I said, “Are you sure it’s alright
to take another one? You’re still high from last night, aren’t
you?” She was about to reassure me when Sanzu grabbed her
jaw forcefully to look at her while speaking with the widest
grin I’ve ever seen someone wear, “She’s fine, she can take a
lot more. We’re having fun, aren’t we?” Seeing her nod at that
before pecking his lips made my stomach churn. I knew it
would end up badly, I just knew it. But I couldn’t do anything
about it.
Shiho moved to straddle Sanzu’s lap, she then tilted her head
back and looked at me with a beautiful smile, “You’re coming
Friday, right?” I gave her a confused look, my eyes
instinctively flicking to Hanma who smiled in satisfaction at
that then nodded. Tearing my gaze from his, I met Shiho’s
once more and shrugged, “We’ll see, I’ll be working that day. I
might be tired—” “She’s coming. She has her part to play, I’ll
make good use of her.” While saying that, he glanced at Sanzu
and smirked, all while sliding his hand to the inside of my
thigh, “See, my toy is sharp, shiny, I hone it. Yours is…” he
looked at Shiho only a moment before looking back at his
friend, his expression almost turning sour or disdainful,
“Short-lived at best. Cheap even, I’ll give it two weeks until
it’s blunt and unusable.”
Shocked, I looked at Sanzu who was gripping Shiho’s waist
with force; clearly, he had been offended. Instead of raising his
tone, he leaned over to rest his chin on the woman’s shoulder
to grin wickedly at Hanma, “Your bitch will break way before
mine, she’s barely holding on, you fucker.” He continued by
lifting Shiho’s bathrobe just enough to pull her closer to him,
“Mine would let me do whatever, while yours bites the
fucking hand that feeds her, maybe you should put her down
—” “Alright, enough of the analogies. Let go of Shiho.” I
stated in annoyance and he pressed her head against his
shoulder. I could see her face had reddened and her eyes were
half-hooded. Clearly she was high right now or drowsy at
least, it didn’t make sense for her to be so quickly under the
effect which made me even more worried that she had taken
some more earlier today.
“Hanma, get your bitch back on her leash—” “She is in no
state to do whatever you’re in the mood for, so let her go.” I
said while standing up. Hanma’s hand left my thigh, it
surprised me when he didn’t hold me back. In the back of my
head, this little voice was telling me he had something
planned, he was simply waiting for the right opportunity to
strike. If he was planning on staying on the sidelines and not
meddling with the situation, I’d meddle myself. Sanzu laughed
at my face and leaned his head back to tuck Shiho’s hair
behind her ear. He looked at me and asked close to her ear, “Is
it ok if I fuck you right now?” She didn’t reply, only held him
a bit tighter, but barely. The pink-haired fuck smiled, “See, she
wants it.”
Keeping my eyes dead set on him, I grabbed a bottle from the
table and took a step closer to him, “Don’t know if you’re a
fucking idiot because the drugs fried your brain or because
you’ve been a bastard since birth, but you’re gonna cut shit
now.” Both men laughed at that, Hanma perhaps more than
Sanzu. The less unhinged one stood up from the couch and
pressed his chest against my back, his hand sliding down my
arm to hold the bottle over my hand, “If ya wanna make it
more threatening, you gotta be more creative.” Without a
warning, he moved our arms and slammed the butt of the
bottle against the table—which I thought would shatter, but
only the bottle did. It was now a weapon, the edges sharp
enough to wound someone instead of being a bludgeon “It
gives you a little more credit, now go and beat his ass up,
doll.” He let go of me and sat back down, Sanzu’s face lit up
and searched Hanma’s to get him to calm me down probably,
but he didn’t stop his actions at all.
Without giving it a longer thought, I shut down. Everything
that had built up until now made my blood boil, it was
pumping so loud in my veins that it was all I could hear while
my eyes were focused on the people in front of me. Taking the
two remaining steps separating us, I forced Shiho out of
Sanzu’s arms and made sure she was laying and covered
properly even in the few seconds it took for her to settle on the
couch. My foot went flying to Sanzu’s crotch, he placed his
hands on it before I could stomp it but complained at the
pressure on his hands. He moved one of his hands to grab my
leg to force it off of him, making me lose my balance. When I
didn’t fall to the ground, I knew Hanma had been the one
behind me to have caught my fall, “Keep going, you’re doing
so great.” He drawled proudly, sadistically.
In my fury, I listened to his words that felt like greater orders.
I launched myself at him and kneed him in the stomach, ready
to smash the bottle on his face but stopped right before doing
so, my hand shaking in hesitation. He took the opportunity to
grab my arm and force the bottle out of my hand, pointing it at
me. A nervous, or excited, laugh escaped my lips, “Trying to
get matching scars?” I said in all too much arrogance. I heard
Hanma whistle behind me before grabbing me, his arms
around my stomach to pull me away from Sanzu quickly when
he saw the man was seething. “Shouldn’t have said that, doll.”
He turned around so his back was towards Sanzu and I was
facing the elevator, “Get out, I’ll calm his stupid ass down—”
“Give me Shiho, now. I’m not leaving without her, he’s—” I
couldn’t speak from how much adrenaline was rushing
through my body. “Hanma—Shuji, Shuji, he’s fucking her
up!” Why was I pleading to someone like him? What would he
do? Help? He was enjoying this a lot more than he was letting
on, I knew it.
So why did his face soften for a moment before grabbing my
jaw and pressing a forced kiss on my lips; he pulled back and
his expression was back to bored, “You owe me, get her and
call a taxi. We’ll talk about my reward later, come on.” With
that he pushed Sanzu back to the couch when he went for me,
an insane smile on his lips while he held onto the bottle. I
rushed to help Shiho to her feet, my heart fighting to beat out
of my chest and my entire body shaking with adrenaline as I
got us to the elevator, the sound of something breaking
echoing behind us. I didn’t look back and pressed the ground
floor button, the entire ride down was a pain but Shiho still
had a little bit of balance, she was pressing her head against
mine, a soft smile on her lips.
“You can hate me for it later, I’m sorry.” I told her, knowing
she said she was managing. Maybe I had overreacted but it
was too late to back down, so I’d get her back to my place,
sober her up and let her go. It’s the safest bet, I thought while
getting her inside the taxi and joining her myself. The ride was
a lot shorter than the one in the subway and we arrived at my
place quite fast. I had placed my coat on her passed out form
in hopes of warming her up, but there was no sign of
discomfort or comfort from the woman, she was sleeping
soundly. Once I had paid the taxi driver and got out, I had to
hold onto her tight to not drop her before dragging her to the
couch—by doing so, her head hit the armrest with too much
force and I didn’t have enough time to soften its fall.
Wincing at the sight, I placed a pillow under her head and
patted her forehead while mumbling a quick apology before
throwing a blanket over her and getting my phone. As a safety
measure, I rolled her on her side. I didn’t know how much she
had taken, nor the things she had taken, she was an unknown
right now but a dangerous unknown.
I stared at Shiho for a moment, not knowing what to do, then
went to my contact list and scrolled to ‘K’, hesitating for some
time. I had called him last night already and he had been busy,
he had given me other phone numbers that I hadn’t tried, but
still was dubious of. For now, I could only trust Koko and
Hanma—could I trust the latter? I shook my head, I was not in
the right headspace to think of that right now.
The phone started ringing, waiting for someone to pick up on
the other hand; I had pressed the contact number of Kokonoi.
One ring, two rings—“Are you useless on your own, or just
dependent on people—” “I don’t know what to do when
someone is drugged, Koko.” I said rapidly, effectively shutting
him up only shortly before hearing him again, except this time
there was no attitude and his mask dropped to leave room for
worry, “What do you mean? I’ll need more details than that,
are you at your place?” There was a rustling sound at the end
of the line, a soft-spoken voice echoed in the background but I
couldn’t tell who it was. Koko said they should come, then
told me to answer. “Went to the club last night with a few
friends, one of them met Sanzu and she went back to his place
—long story short, I think he gave her too much, but I can’t be
sure. I don’t know how to tell if she is just tired or if
something else is going on.” I rambled so fast I had to gasp for
air at the end. Koko’s only response was “Are you at your
place? If not, text me the address, I’ll be there.”
I don’t believe he was angry, but maybe bothered. Frustrated
even, but I was not at fault. If I could depend on Hanma, I’d
have called him but he was busy and I feared he would not be
of use in such a situation since he’d find it amusing at best.
“My place, yes, thank you.” I finally replied before hanging
up. He could be far away, I had no idea where he stayed nor
who he was with, so to keep my mind from wandering I
started looking up online things I could do to help her. I did
the things I thought made sense, but the one that made the
most sense was the one I couldn’t do.
Call the ambulance.
Just like last night, what would I tell them? Of course they’d
treat her a lot better than gang members would, but there was
no knowing what else was in her blood, nor how I’d justify her
getting her hands on it. Mentioning Sanzu would be suicidal,
I’d look like I was lying anyway.
Koko had yet to arrive, and the links I had checked were all
the same, so I left the living room and started cleaning around
a bit. I barely had time to rest, and to think having someone
passed out on my couch was my respite was dreadful and
laughable at the same time. I’d check her pulse every now and
then while cleaning, it was tiring to be aware of all her
movements in her sleep but it was all I could do until Koko
arrived.
His arrival startled me when I heard loud knocks on my door
after what felt like a whole hour, but it had only been 25
minutes at best. Unsure if it was him at first, I stood by the
door and texted him to ask if he was the one at my door, he
replied out loud, “Yes, now open the damn door.” I did so
hurriedly. Just like the first time I had seen him, he was
dressed beautifully even if it seemed overdressed; a red outfit
that had gold hems at the pants and the long shirt, while
wearing black moccasins on his feet. When another man
followed right behind, I stepped between the two only to have
Koko force me out of the blond’s way, “He’s with me, are you
a guard dog or something?” He looked me up and down with a
frown, “Really think you could protect me? Try that again
when you stop calling me at god fucking awful hours—”
“Leave her be, you’re so sour in the morning.” The blond said
as he pushed Koko towards the living room after closing the
door behind himself.
Turning around to look at me from over his shoulder, he
smiled shortly before letting his face fall expressionless again,
“Inui, but everyone calls me Inupi.” He had a soft voice,
surprisingly. Soft-spoken people were rare in this kind of
world, it seemed, all of the people I had met until now were
strong-spoken, sure, but they did not care about diplomacy. I
gave him a nod and told him my name, mirroring his smile,
then walked up to Koko. “You said it yourself, you’re the most
sane of all of them. Would you rather I called Ran?” I scoffed,
my eyes never leaving his back when he was crouched by
Shiho’s.
“I’ll give you Kazutora’s phone number, you have Inupi’s and
Takeomi’s. They’re—” “Kazutora is—” Stopping myself, I
kept my mouth shut. I don’t know who this man was, but he
was not a real gang member, he had something going on that
no one else had. He was playing a double game, one I did not
want, but might just end up being a part of. Shaking my head,
I shrugged, “A bad driver, I’ll blame it on the night but he
drives awfully.”
Koko looked at me curiously then sighed, annoyed. “Your
friend is fine, high as a fucking kite but fine. Get her water and
food,” His eyes traveled her form while he placed the back of
his hands on her forehead, “Maybe dress her up properly too.”
He then stood up and walked past me to the table, Inupi right
behind him as he did so then stood right by his side while
Koko sat down, his legs crossed with one ankle over the knee.
He did not need to speak to tell me he wanted to have a chat,
his body language spoke for itself. With a sigh, I joined them.
I glanced at them as I sat down and saw Inupi’s hand holding
Koko’s shoulder gently; when he squeezed it, the one with the
longer hair relaxed. Thanking Inupi could be considered
insolent, keeping my mouth shut was safer.
With a scary smile, Koko threaded his fingers together and
placed his hands on his shin, “Why did you get involved with
the cops? Why is your friend passed out on your couch—
better yet, why were you at the hospital?” He fired those
questions one after the other, but each needed an entire story to
be explained. Telling him the reason needed the backstory that
came with it, although I could skip over some details that
involved me getting on my knees and that desperate attitude I
had in the alley. Both were left out on the account of
inebriation, something I found comfort in… rather than
admitting what was truly happening. Thus, I told him all that
had happened last night, the Halloween party, the guy I went
with. I did not tell him my goal was to corrupt him and it made
me wonder why I did not tell him about it, was I afraid he’d be
disappointed? He had told me what Hanma wanted to turn me
into, and as time went on, his project was taking on a certain
magnitude that one couldn’t ignore. Kokonoi’s words rang
stronger in my head, ‘With time, you’ll tarnish’.
I made sure to mention that Shiho went to Sanzu, that they
were all there, oddly, hence why he asked, “What was the
name of that club?” When I told him, he laughed mockingly;
Inupi by his side chuckled softly but didn’t say anything. It did
not help at all with the embarrassment I was already feeling
from him telling me I was a burden but I kept my head high
and asked him what made him laugh. “Bonten owns it. They
do what they want there. You walked right into the wolves’
den.” It must have been very funny to him, for the smile on his
face had yet to disappear and every few seconds he’d scoff a
laugh again. With a serious face, I kept my surprise hidden and
continued my story of how Hanma went insane in that alley.
The mention of how it made me feel to see him like that was
kept to myself, but I did not forget to mention the police’s
arrival, nor how I had to deal with them.
“You? You dealt with the police?” Koko leaned back on his
chair and let one hand grab the tip of Inupi’s fingers gently as
he observed me like a hawk, trying to gauge what I had said. I
began, “They’d hardly believe a woman did any of this,” I
should have started with the argument that followed, “Hanma
made me do it, though. I didn’t—I didn’t find any enjoyment
in it, I was wrecked with stress and…” I looked down at my
hands which I remembered to have been shaking back in that
hospital waiting room, just like my body had been. Had it been
the adrenaline? The cold? Or the fear? I smiled sadly knowing
which it was and looked up at Koko, “And it was thrilling. I
don’t know if I regret it, but it felt… nice? To be useful, I
mean. I know you think of me as a burden, but I had to deal
with the police on my damn own, Koko.” Why was I raising
my tone? I felt cornered. That’s why. He was looking at me
like I was a dead animal on the side of the road, a poor animal
that didn’t deserve ending up like that. A tragic fate. “I was the
one at 2 in the fucking morning getting the bullet out of
Shuji’s—Hanma’s abdomen. I didn’t let him die and—” “You
could have. Maybe you should have.” Koko said with very
little humor on his face.
Taken aback, I pressed my lips together and held back from
saying anything. What did they all have against him? Was he
not helpful to them? Was he not the one to take care of their
mess? The one to get rid of the bodies, the ones they took
down, because they were just as unhinged as he was. In a
softer tone, I asked, “Why? Has he ever done anything to
you?” Koko didn’t waste a second to stand up, making me
lean back on my chair in fear he’d hit me, but he didn’t.
Instead, he gripped my chin and looked down at me with a
disdainful glare, “It took you so little time to be one of us.”
The white-haired man said in a mix of disgust and sorrow,
“You so easily forget what he did to you, is his dick game that
good?”
My face warmed up instantly. I forced his hand off my face
and stood up, my chest almost pressing against his. I wanted to
tell him I never had sex with Hanma, but what would one call
all that we had done if not sex? I didn’t know about his dick
game, but I knew he felt safe in the midst of all these crazy
people that made Bonten. Seeing Koko’s smirk, I wanted to
wipe it off his face and tell him to stop being an asshole, but
instead I let go of his hand, tossing it aside. “Thank you for the
help, I will make sure to refrain from calling you next time.
Do you need help with finding the door or perhaps would you
like some salt with that bitterness of yours? Got some.” I
pointed at the kitchen; Kokonoi only laughed as he let his head
fall back and walked past me. He glanced at me then looked
back ahead of him only to stop at the door, “I was kidding
about the dick game, but seeing how you reacted it’s only
funnier.” He scoffed dryly.
His eyes met mine one last time before leaving as he said,
“You know, if you had let him die, none of us would have
gone after you. It was your way out.” Inupi walked out and
Koko seemed to let his tough exterior melt a little bit. I saw his
hand tighten on the handle the same way my heart did when he
said they wouldn’t have come after me. I know it was a way of
saying I was of little importance to Bonten… but it also felt
like I was of no importance to them, to Koko, who I thought I
had been forming a bond with. I was a fool to think friendships
mattered in this, that I would not be alone. I was the one to
scoff this time. Koko continued, “Instead, you dug yourself
deeper in that mess and I don’t think you want to get out
anymore.” A sad laugh escaped his lips as his face fell only a
moment before confidence returned and he smiled, “Don’t lose
yourself too much on the fall down, villainess.”
With that, the door slammed and I was left with myself and the
realization of his words.
I had sworn to not become like them, I had told him I was
nothing like them.
Like him.
Yet, I saved him. I defended him. I took my one way ticket out
of here and burnt it.
So why didn’t it feel bad?
Why did my chest feel lighter? His words didn’t hurt as much,
maybe the title fit. Maybe I didn’t mind turning like them,
after all it did feel freeing and entertaining to fool authority.
Ha… Those thoughts reminded me of someone.
Maybe I was turning like them.
Or maybe it was already too late… I needed to see him to
know, I wanted to see him.
Chapter End Notes

Last update of the year my dearest. I think we are onto

something, do forgive me for the time it took for the
update I have to study on the daily and have very little
time to write BUT I DELIVER THIS and am starting the
next chapter. Hanma? Hot. Reader? On her way to
depression ✌✌
Words : 10 244
Added on 31st January 2021
 Chapter 13
Chapter Notes

Forgot to thank Rae, my Twitter mutual for helping me

with the … technicalities on how to treat a gun wound
and what NOT to do about it.
Thank you my dearest Din for correcting once more.
At this point I don’t know what to TW for… but there is
some NON-CONSENSUAL PETTING from someone
other than Hanma so, yeah. Work.
See the end of the chapter for more notes

Perhaps thinking shouldn’t be, perhaps focusing on something

else would be better because the longer I thought, the easier it
was for me to consider doing the bad things they’d ask me to
do.
When Koko left the house, I was left watching over Shiho, the
only person who I could call a friend and not feel bad about it.
At least that’s what I thought for now; however, I was
apprehensive of her reaction when she’d wake up. She had
told me she was fully into doing whatever she had been doing
and I had pulled her out of it the moment I didn’t like it. It was
selfish, I knew, and if it were to happen again I wouldn’t do
it… But that didn’t mean it’d sit right with me, it didn’t mean I
wouldn’t feel heartbroken to see her ruining herself over a man
like Sanzu. Insane, violent and an addict—
My mind blanked. Then, I connected the dots and chuckled at
first, before covering my mouth again. This time, I didn’t
break into tears, instead I let my head hit the back of the couch
and let out a loud laugh.
Insane, violent and an addict? While the latter was often
related to drugs, it could also fit this feeling of excitement one
felt in dangerous situations.
Adrenaline was a drug. The same one Hanma was desperate
for. It made me the most hypocritical person on earth to shame
Shiho for her choices when I myself took the same road she
did. And while the course of actions I took never led to any
physical damage, the same could not be said for my mind, my
sanity. The topic was not getting any more joyful, so I started
thinking of what could be happening at the end of the week. I
didn’t plan on going wherever he wanted me to go, but my
curiosity was piqued. So as I thought about it, I grabbed the
remote and turned the TV on—it was almost time for the news
—and instead of waiting, I got up to make us some food. Even
if the woman on my couch was not awake, I was most
definitely certain she’d be starving upon her awakening.
When I heard the intro of the news, I stopped everything I was
doing and moved to the living room, wiping whatever I had on
my hands on my apron. “After days of searching for the
missing chairman of Silas&Sons, some remains of the 34-year-
old man were found in what looked like a handkerchief, this
was found in the dumpsters behind the airport of…” I stopped
listening and hurried to my phone I had left on the table by the
couch; doing so, I saw Shiho stirring awake. My hand hovered
over my phone as I hesitated between calling Hanma about
what I’d heard on the news or taking care of Shiho. Knowing
how I was now seen as a burden for being worried over things,
I looked away from my phone and helped Shiho sit up, muting
the TV at the same time. She groaned while gripping the
couch tight, I only now noticed the reddened marks around her
wrists and felt my stomach twist. “Shi? What’s that?” I asked
softly as I let my cold fingers graze her wrist. In her half-dazed
state, she looked down and blinked a few times to focus before
grinning proudly, “Got tied up last night when we fucked, I
can tell you it was a god-sent fuck. Almost saw the light.” She
nodded with a hum.
While I wanted my laugh to be light-hearted, it sounded more
nervous than relaxed. “I’m glad, then—” “What’s this place?”
She interrupted me in utter confusion, her eyes never stopping
while she looked around the room to observe each and every
thing she could see. Before she could comment on the
furniture or visuals of my décor, I stood up. “My house, I
brought you back from Sanzu’s place.” It gave her some time
to take in the information. Knowing full well what was to
come, or perhaps that’s why I was nervous, I didn’t know yet
how she’d react. Would she be furious or disappointed? The
latter would be worse, I thought as I grabbed a glass of water
and some food and walked back to the living room to hand
them to her.
Taking it, Shiho met my eyes and stated, with her feelings well
contained, “You brought me back.”
“Yes. Do I get to defend my choice?” “Why? I told you I
didn’t mind at all, and I know you understood—why did you
bring me back here?” She sighed and patted around herself to,
I believe, find her phone. Biting the inside of my cheek softly,
I shrugged. Realizing that was not an answer, I got myself
together and cleared my throat. “I don’t know how much you
took, and you looked dazed, a lot dazed.” She wasn’t having
it, but she wasn’t interrupting either, so I continued in the
hopes of keeping her calm and not upsetting her. “Things
quickly heated up because of that…” “That?” I meant her
being drugged, being out of it, being passed out, but it was
wrong. ‘That’ hadn’t been the cause of what had happened, I
had been. Back then, I took it to heart, I got frustrated seeing
her like that—no, not just then. That frustration had been
building up since I had seen them in the club, since she told
me she had been with Sanzu, when she called him by his first
name, when she brought me to his house, his den. I didn’t even
feel it grow inside me until I realized how deep she was
already in, until I realized I had been the reason why she had
met him.
Until I realized I had put her in a situation I could not pull her
out of.
That’s when it heated up, when I exploded. When I understood
I had doomed her.
“I wanted to fight Sanzu.” I simply said. At first she was
shocked, then she started laughing as she placed a hand on my
arm and smiled, “But you left before that, right? I don’t
believe you could hurt—” “I broke a glass bottle, I stood up
and was ready to beat him up with it. The way he touched you
with such… such ease, as if you were his piece of meat.” I
could feel my blood boil again, but I took a deep breath and
took Shiho’s hand, squeezing it. Her face was painted with
worry, so I reassured her. “If it wasn’t for Hanma, I think I
would have tried to fight him for real. He was ready too,
but…” I trailed off. Hanma once again did the dirty work, like
he had done in that alley, or when he stayed behind after I’d
shot Eisuke. Shiho stood up and shook her head, trying to clear
her thoughts. She had to hold onto my shoulder when she got
dizzy, so I supported her as I stood up. “Why fight him? Aren’t
you supposed to be the sensible one?” She wasn’t annoyed,
only confused. She had every right to be, it didn’t make sense,
and the only way I could describe my rush to violence was that
I had changed—or that I was changing. I didn’t like it one bit
and it had been illogical, but I had succumbed to my emotions,
they had done the talking, taken control.
I sighed. “I was—I am, I am the sensible one, of course. I
know it was stupid and I won’t do it again.” Meeting her gaze,
I tried to joke, “Not only because I want to respect your wish,
but also because I don’t think I could win against Sanzu.” We
both laughed, but I still doubted the words that left my mouth.
Was I not going to do it again out of respect for her choices or
because I feared what I’d do if I interfered? If I let my anger
and frustration out, if I tried to have a one on one with Sanzu
again? The best I could do was avoid hanging with Shiho
when she was by the pink bastard’s side, that way I would not
be tempted to save her… or attempt to prove my strength
somehow.
When she bantered back, we quickly mentioned getting her
some proper clothes and did just that before eating. A few
hours later, she was good as new, but I knew in the back of her
mind she was thinking of him, of going back to him. Not
because she needed him, not yet at least, but because she
wanted to see him. The best excuse she’d have was that I had
forgotten to take her phone with me when we left, so she’d
have to go back. I knew she was thinking about it everytime
we would not be talking and she’d glance at my phone, or pat
her pockets out of habit to find it. Seeing how she seemed to
be in a hurry, even if she was hiding it, I suggested she go
home once we had hung out a bit after eating. Out of
politeness, she waved her hand at me and shook her head, “I
could stay longer, are you shooing me out already?” With my
hands on her shoulders, I pushed her towards the door, “I
actually am, a girl needs her beauty sleep—” “It’s barely the
afternoon, are you shitting me?”
Laughing it off, I said I’d had a long night. She did not know
all that happened last night, sure she knew about some errands
I had run, but I hardly thought she knew the details of what
those errands entailed. Of what happened there. The atrocities
I committed.
If she had known, she wouldn’t have described me as the
sensible one. I scoffed at the thought as I locked the door
behind her once she got inside the cab I had called for her.
“Yeah, she doesn’t know what I did… if she did, she’d be
gone without a trace.” That’s when it hit me, just like when
Koko said they wouldn’t come for me—maybe I was alone in
this. That little ray of hope I let myself hold onto was slowly
fading as time went on. I had been holding onto it so tight it
was choking, losing its radiance. As stupid as I was, I truly
believed I could make friends and keep them after all I had
done, keep a semblance of a normal life.
A semblance of happiness that disappeared as fast as I realized
it had happened.
A fleeting happiness.
I closed my eyes and slid against the door, mentally exhausted.
But the thinking never stopped, not when I was alone… It had
all been so hectic, so chaotic and stressful—and yet, in all this
chaos, there seemed to be one consistency, one thing that was
always there, without much judgment but the accepted
amount, with that need to push towards what was thought to
be greater, with that stupid wicked smile I was growing fond
of. That forsaken attitude I had been disgusted by at first, but
now seemed to crave and seek comfort in. He was the
consistency.
Hanma.
I smiled sadly.
Maybe I shouldn’t make friends. After all, they’d be gone as
time went on, right? How long could Shiho last in Sanzu’s
arms? The man had no control, no idea of how to dose
anything. He was free, of course, but too much freedom killed.
What one was allowed to do shouldn’t always be done—but
he did. He would do all that he could, just because he could.
This organization had everything: power, money, time and
freedom but like all beings, they were sinful. Ran was driven
by anger and violence, I had seen it with my own eyes. But
Sanzu? His need to feel nothing, to be numb and empty, would
be the death of him. Some night it’ll be the one night too
many, and if he was still going strong for now, I knew Shiho
would not last as long as he did.
I was going to lose her to his gluttony. He was not going to
help her, he was going to help himself.
So maybe I shouldn’t make friends, yes, maybe.
But nothing was stopping me from making a pact with the
devil. He had been around long enough to know the tricks, he
had never left my side—or at least my mind. I was already
indebted to him for helping me get my friend out of this fight,
so why not make the deal? The chance of surviving any of this
without him was getting slimmer and slimmer as I changed, as
I got more impulsive. I needed him by my side. And after all,
that’s what Shiho had done, right? She gained so much from
her little relationship with Sanzu, so… “Why not me?” I
chuckled without much cheer before grabbing my phone.
With one hand gripping my hair tight and out of my face as
my elbow rested on my knee, I scrolled down my contacts and
did not hesitate to press his name to call him. Putting the
phone to my ear, I waited for him to pick up. As it rang, I
pondered, that’s all it took for me to cave? That aspect of
future loneliness, of knowing in the long run I would have no
one to rely on, to confide in? I scoffed and smiled sadly, of
course that’s what it took. Because even if I feared the death
that would inevitably come in the position I was in, I also
feared being alone—and not just with my thoughts. He was the
devil I knew, the one I expected, the one I could count on, “Tsk
tsk tsk, aren’t we needy today? Is that what you call
independence?” My body instinctively relaxed at the sound of
his voice, like it had received the drug it desperately needed or
in a prettier metaphor, like he was home. “What do I owe
you?” I didn’t want to hear myself ask him that, it felt
desperate to want him to talk to me, to be all that was on his
mind. The moment the thought crossed my mind, I covered
my mouth as if it had been spoken out loud. I was horrified.
“If I cared, I’d ask what’s off the table, but you’re in no
position to bargain.” He stated with a smile I could hear
without seeing, the familiar smile I could picture in my head
just by closing my eyes and having it flash like a memory.
“Let’s just get this over with, tell me what you want, Shuji.” I
sighed as I got up and made my way to my bedroom to fall
back on the bed. Hanma chuckled and moved. I could hear the
shuffle against the microphone as he did so. “It’s not going to
be over as fast as you think, doll. Think bigger, think of
something more long term.” He replied. I should have been
apprehensive of what he was going to ask of me, but instead
my heart sped up in excitement and I stayed silent on my end
of the phone. In a cheerful voice, he asked, “I like my fun, you
know that, right?” “We both have a different definition of fun,
but yes.” “Not for long, I’m sure our ideals will align soon
enough. I mean, you did let loose back there—it was a damn
sight to behold.”
Was I happy that he had been proud of what I’d almost done?
Something in my brain wanted him to compliment me again,
to tell me I did good, that he wanted to see more; maybe
because then I’d have a reason to let loose again. But was
justifying it as ‘doing it for him’ better than admitting I wanted
to let go? I did not know…
“It won’t happen again, it has been a long night that’s all.” I
told him while looking at the ceiling, trying to understand the
sounds behind him. The sudden clatter of his phone on
something hard made me pull the phone away from my ear
and call his name to get his attention—which I did not receive
until I had waited a few minutes for him to grab the phone
again. When he spoke, he was out of breath and I could hear
the jingle of his keys, “Let me remember what you said before
we got interrupted… right, won’t happen again or something
like that. I thought we were past lying to each other, but it
looks like you still need time, huh?” He laughed at what he
said and quickly continued, “That’s off topic, back to my
reward now.”
My heartbeat quickened again as I held my breath, what was I
expecting? What did I desperately want him to say? “Been
thinking about it ever since I saved your ass.” “You did not
save me from anything, you just,” I paused, and he pushed,
asking me, “I what? Did you really think you would come out
of this on top? Doll, the only time you’re on top is when you’re
riding my dick—it stops there.”
Scoffing, I turned around and laid on my side, grabbing a
pillow to hold it tight, not for emotional support but to busy
my hand as it kneaded the fabric, “If you knew I was going to
get beaten up, why didn’t you let him? I’m sure you’d have
loved for it to have turned into a lesson for me, right? To
demonstrate I depend on you, that I can’t do shit without you,
that I rely too much on you to save my ass.” Finally, I took a
deep breath and waited for his reply, all I could hear were his
chuckles at first then through a smile he said, “I don’t hear no
lies for once, you laid it all out. But you forget one thing, I
love it when you learn you’re hopeless, fuck does it feel good.”
He grunted on the phone before continuing, “But I don’t
share.” His voice dropped; emotionless, flat, serious after that
quick teasing he had done.
“I don’t fucking share and yet, Ran laid a hand on you and that
pink bastard was ready to fight too—you know it makes me
feel like you play fight with anyone, not just me.” He said the
last part with a pout, I knew where this was going but I
indulged him still. All that he had linked had no place being
mentioned together because Ran had beat the shit out of me
and it was nothing close to fun, unlike that thrill I had with the
dynamic Hanma and I had. And what happened with Sanzu…
was better forgotten. “I don’t know where this is going.” I
sighed as I got up and walked to my drawers, fuck was I glad
he wasn’t here to see how pitiful this was of me. Am I turning
into him? I thought as I grabbed my vibrator from its drawer
and sat back on the bed. Was I getting turned on from his
possessiveness or his anger? No, no, neither, I’m trying to find
an excuse to get off and release the stress, yeah that must be it.
I justified to myself as I took off my pants and underwear. I
didn’t care if I dirtied the sheets since I had yet to change them
after he had bled on them.
A huff was heard on the other end of the phone then he told
me to wait a moment before putting the phone down. He had
ruined my momentum, but I stayed on the phone and let my
hand slide between my legs as I laid down and lazily caressed
myself. “I’m saying, you gotta make me feel special. Give me
something they never had, something they’ve never seen—so
here’s what I’m gonna get as my reward, you ready?” For
some reason it made me laugh, because he had the audacity to
speak those words and to try to make me feel bad but I know I
wasn’t in the wrong. He was being a piece of shit, but if he
wanted to play the victim… “Play with me, because you see
it’s not fun if I’m the only one sending hot shit. You get to get
off, and all I get—” “Oh, you think I get off to your stupid
pictures? There’s a reason why I don’t send any back, you
know.” I scoffed dryly as my hand lowered between my lower
lips, letting a buzz build in my lower stomach from the
bantering.
It was wrong to do this, it was foolish too and oh so ironic to
be the one turned on by his ‘anger’, but I didn’t care and
closed my eyes when he talked back, “First, I was talking.
Second, I wasn’t asking, babe. Whatever you’re doing, you’re
gonna stop it and go to your bathroom to send me a pretty
picture, yeah? If you want you can personalize it too.” He said
the last part off-handedly, clearly not expecting me to do so
but I didn’t feel like myself today. If anything, it felt like I was
going off-rail, like nothing was going the way I would have
wanted it to go, so instead of waiting for things to go awry, I
did it myself. “Once, right?” I mumbled as I stood up to get to
the bathroom to get my lipstick, “I said long term, some call it
a relationship, I call it a fair exchange. You get to have an
exciting life without too much… blood? Or at least you won’t
die, that’s for sure—and I get to have a cute pet project, you.” I
swore under my breath a ‘fuck you’ and he only laughed in
response. I hated the effect his laugh had on me but I saw my
desperate face react to it when I looked at myself in the mirror
and knew I was exactly what he had said before: down bad.
“Let me get ready.” I simply said as I put the phone down with
the speaker on. He didn’t need to know I was already half
naked, neither did he ask, instead I heard him talk his head off
as I slowly wrote on my neck in a pretty shade of lipstick:
‘choke’, “It doesn’t take years to undress, I’m pretty sure I
could do it under a minute. Or you’re a bit slow today? Too
much on your mind? I can help with that, we know I can, all
you gotta do is ask—although it might cost you. You know I
like a good trade, it helps you get things.” Rolling my eyes, I
carefully took off the rest of my clothes and hesitated pulling
the camera out, after this there would be no going back. Even
if we had done many things, there was no trace of it, except his
recording of my moans… I almost forgot about that, I thought
with dread. Sending him a picture would add to the power, the
hold he already had over me and while the idea wasn’t as
unpleasant as it used to be, I was not sure I was ready for this.
You’re not yourself right now, just let her out and blame it on
her. It’s easier if I do that, right? Why hold back? I want to
hear him praise me, I want to hear him tell me how bad I have
it for him because it’s true. I keep avoiding his touches and
fighting against his vulgar words but as time goes on I’m more
and more into it, it’s getting tiring to fight it—but I have to
prove I’m not like them right? Because I’m nothing like
them…
Gripping my head, I let out a mute grunt before picking up the
phone again, the camera now opened and angled so the picture
didn’t show my face. I was sitting on the edge of the bath and
slowly leaned back, my chest and neck beautifully centered on
the screen. “Babe, if you’re that bad at taking nudes I should
just come by and fuck you, it’ll probably be done quicker.”
Hanma said. I let out a laugh, caught off guard by his
impatience, a trait I had never seen on him. It seemed that
promising him naked pictures had him more excited than I
thought, it made me smile. “You’d think I’d put any effort into
this? I was just genuinely weighing the pros and cons of this
so-called trade.” I replied sarcastically. If only he knew how
much I struggled to take this stupid picture—why am I even
trying so hard? It’s not like he’d care, tits are tits.
Nervous, and with apprehension, I sent the picture and said,
“Done, I’ll hang up now.” I hadn’t planned on doing so, no. I
had planned on getting back in bed and finishing what I had
started, knowing full well he would tell me to stay on the line,
which he did, “Oh you’re not hanging up, not after that
picture, shit, wasn’t expecting you to personalize it like that,
doll. Just got back from dealing with some guys, I was already
rock hard but now,” He swore under his breath and only
seconds after, I felt my phone vibrate upon receiving a text
from Hanma. Opening it, I immediately laid down and turned
on my vibrator. It was sick of me to react like that, but seeing
his bloody knuckles holding his cock, the smirk on his face as
he stroked it… I already knew how it felt, how it tasted, but
Icraved for more. I wanted him against me and inside me, I
wanted his touches all over my body, roughness and
gentleness mixing in ways that made me wonder which ways
he’d touch me next.
“How far you’ve fucking come, begging to be choked and yet
you’re still saying you’re not into this?” I smiled at his words
but didn’t reply, instead I pressed the tip of my toy against my
clit and arched my back to try to find the perfect angle; I was
starting to breathe with open lips, that smile never leaving,
“Maybe you wanted me to force you to participate, mh? If
that’s your shit, I’ll gladly force you into tons of stuff, I bet you
got off so fucking much when I fucked you throat, yeah? Cause
I did. It was warm, tight—and don’t even mention the pitiful
gagging sounds you were making!” He was breathing
unevenly throughout his speech, then he let out a shaky breath,
“The tears made the whole experience if you ask me.”
Glancing back at the phone, I took a closer look at the video,
but even through the ungodly thoughts that were crossing my
mind, I could not help but worry at the sight of his wound that
had started bleeding again. I could see it from the red coloured
patch on his skin. Stopping everything, I brought the phone
closer to my ear and stopped the speaker, whatever made me
play along was gone. “Do you expect me to get turned on by
that speech of yours after noticing you’re bleeding again? I
don’t understand the way your mind works, and frankly I don’t
want to know—” His barking laughter interrupted me, but his
breath didn’t calm down, it was rugged and he was grinning
maniacally behind his screen. “Don’t know which turns me on
more, knowing you’d be into if you hadn’t seen me bleeding or
having you mad and worried at the same time.” A groan of
pleasure escaped his lips again, the throbbing between my legs
was more and more present but the concern was fogging any
will to get off. “I can’t do this anymore, I’m stopping this. I’ll
get dressed and you have to get this treated, how much of an
idiot can you be!” I regretted the moment those words left my
mouth, all of them.
Until now, I don’t remember having called him an idiot, I had
never felt comfortable enough to say it. And now that I had, I
felt like he’d get mad. I had let my frustration of him being
careless take over my composure and now I feared he’d put
me back in my place, but instead he got closer to the
microphone, “Now you got a conscience? Did it grow
overnight? Cause it sure didn’t stop you last night—What?
Can’t touch yourself to a bleeding man but you can suck his
pain off, that’s what’s going on?” “Enough!” I gritted through
my teeth, “Enough.” I then hissed, more calmed, “Last night…
last night happened but we weren’t, I wasn’t myself.” I
struggled to keep the phone between my ear and my shoulder
as I dressed back, almost falling forward when I slipped on my
pants. If I didn’t care, I would have hung up instead of going
to the bathroom to dab cotton in makeup remover while still
on the phone. “That mouth tasted exactly the same it did every
time I tasted it,” He started casually, making my face flush in
the process as I washed off the lipstick from my neck, “You’re
telling me if you sucked me off right now it’d be any different?
Cause it won’t be. Stop finding excuses and admit you got
turned on by the adrenaline so we can take the next step,
babe.”
I scoffed dryly, my chest tightening. “Fuck no. It’s easier to
say I wasn’t myself, because I’d rather pretend a sliver of my
mind is still sane than go down with you. You’re sick, I’m
nothing like you.” Was what I wanted to say, I wanted to tell
him off and show him I was still as strong and stubborn as I
used to be, as I was when this all started, but I had changed. I
had weakened, or at least my will had changed. Instead of
wanting to do what’s good, all I wanted to do was survive…
and be free if both could work together. So instead of saying
whatever would have been better to say, I put down the now
used colorful cotton pad and gripped the phone tight—after
all, I had played along and touched myself to his voice, all I
had to do was to let her do that talking, right? And I did, in
resignation, “What if you’re right? What if I liked it? What
would the next step be?” The reflection looking back at me
was nothing like what it used to be.
Fatigue was written on my face and if joy was present before,
it was gone now. All that painted my features was darkness
and the glimmer of hope that held on simply by the thread of
excitement brought from Hanma not having hung up yet. With
a grin, the crazy man said, “Then I take you out.” “Right,
violence, always violence.” I scoffed before taking a hold of
myself and finishing cleaning my skin from the now faded
makeup that adorned it. My hands were starting to shake but I
ignored it, whatever was building inside me shouldn’t come
out. Hanma’s steps echoed on the phone, then some clutter
when he laughed darkly, “No, no. It’d be a shame to kill you, I
worked so hard to get us where we are now, doll.” He quickly
added, “And I am not done with you yet. I use my toys until
they break.” That knot in my chest untied at his words, even if
he hadn’t used that phrasing, it sounded like a promise to not
leave me. Soundlessly, I smiled and felt tears of relief roll
down my cheeks—was I that desperate to hold onto someone?
Was that what I wanted to hear? A mute shaky breath escaped
my lips as I held tight onto the sink before moving back to my
bed and sitting at the end of it.
“But don’t be afraid to break, babe. I’ll build you right back
up, I can see a few screws are getting loose already.” I heard
him add in a low tone before raising it in a sing-song like tone,
“Until then you should be ready for Friday, I have big plans
for us on Friday. I think it’ll be a turning point for our
beautiful relationship.” Even through the silent tears, I
couldn’t help but chuckle. Was it sweet or was it wrong to say
such things? I think I was into it, hearing him talk like this
about us. I think I liked the idea of a relationship only because
it’ll assure my safety. Because if he loved me, if he was in this
for love and not entertainment, then he would not kill me the
moment he got bored and he would not leave me. But he
didn’t love me, he was in it for fun. “What relationship?” I
uttered as audibly as possible, “Do you mean this exchange?” I
scoffed, “Let me laugh. As long as you keep your end of the
deal and protect me, I’ll…” I trailed off before finishing in
resignation and exhaustion, “I’ll do anything, so I’ll be there,
wherever you tell me to be Friday—I’ll do whatever you need
me to do. I only ask one thing of you.”
Humming inquisitively, Hanma told me to go on all while
busying himself in what I believe was his kitchen, “Please,
treat that wound properly, I will see you Friday. It’s not a
matter of losing you during the week just because you can’t
take care of yourself.” I asserted, finally composing myself
after the little time I had spent crying while on the phone with
him. Anger rose when he laughed mockingly, almost cooing
me as he smiled, “Being sweet doesn’t change the fact that you
interrupted our cute bonding session. But I’ll let it slide just
this time.” With a comically loud sigh, he then emphasized his
‘but’ by saying it in a higher tone and dropping it once more to
say, “I’ll let it slide because what you just promised is a lot
more valuable than anything right now, be sure to remember
those words.”
Suddenly my throat was dry at the realization of the words I
had spoken, the ringing in my ears like a warning that said I
should take them back. I had to, because he would use it to the
most wicked extent, he’d pull out that card perhaps after
killing someone, or right before doing so and handing me the
gun—of course he’d do that. He’d even do it without me
having the need to have spoken those words… but now that he
had that permission of mine, he was assured a smooth action,
he knew I would not be able to tell him off or to fight him.
That warning had all the rights to be there, but I did not heed
it. Instead I nodded, he couldn’t see it, “How could I? I am
sure you’ll be more than happy to remind them to me when the
time comes. But since that time isn’t now, I’ll let you be. I
have other things to do—” “Right, you should go back to
touching yourself thinking of me, if I can’t get off, at least you
should!” He sounded bitter and a little too enthusiastic, but I
didn’t mention it. Instead I bid him goodbye and hung up.
Why was it that everytime I talked to him I said the wrong
things? At least on my side it would be wrong, but to him it
was an opportunity. He could use anything coming out of my
mouth as a tool to his advantage, to further his stupid little
manipulation that I could see from miles away (a lie) and
chose to follow willingly anyway (another lie). But it didn’t
matter now, if he was going to use me it would be alright
because whatever excuses I used in the past to justify
following his actions and orders were now naught. Now I
could simply say: we made a deal. It made everything so much
easier. It made it so I didn’t have to fight with myself.
For some reason, I felt lighter.
Finding excuses had become tiring and while fighting against
his advances was still tiring, I only had one battle to fend off. I
could focus on something entirely else now, at least until
Friday. He would probably not contact me until that very day,
so I could live a peaceful life without him until then.
Yes, that is what I thought would happen, peace, quiet, not one
word from Bonten. Now, why did I think such idiotic thoughts
with such determination—I didn’t know. Perhaps in my mind I
was convinced that after having made a deal with Hanma
everything would be brighter. Or perhaps I thought having
almost started a fight with Sanzu would have made them not
want to deal with me any time soon. None of those were good
enough reasons, that’s why I heard of them soon enough.
When I returned to work, I thought everything would be fine.
Oh, was I wrong.
Over the night at the club, I had forgotten what I had done.
Hanma’s state had made me forget what I had done to protect
him, or to help him escape at least; it made me forget how
unhinged I had been that very night, acting so out of character
and so desperately simply for lack of attention from the man.
Trying to have a man corrupted? Trying to have him kill for
me? Having him brought to the hospital and pretending to
care? I had to pretend. That was the worst part. I didn’t feel
any real regrets when I saw the ambulance take him away.
When I entered the police car, I felt this calm inside me—a
calm that never really left, even when they brought me to the
hospital in the hopes of calming my fake panic and
interrogating me. But all of this, all that had happened, left my
mind at the sight of Hanma wounded.
It all came flooding back to me when I stepped inside the
building and saw the police and among them Shuusuke’s
friends, the ones that had gone to the club with us. As much as
I wanted to avoid them, I couldn’t act suspicious so I walked
up to them with the fakest smile I could muster and a little
‘shy’ wave. The man that had stayed with Rai didn’t seem
impressed, but the two other dudes waved at me then smiled
sadly. I returned the smile, worried, then stopped in front of
them and said, “There seems to be a lot more people today,
how come?” It might have seemed like an odd move to play
dumb, as if I didn’t watch or read the news, but it was such an
easy way out seeing how men like to inform us of things. To
over explain easy concepts too. Naturally, they did just that—I
had to hold back from laughing or rolling my eyes to instead
listen.
“Haven’t you heard?” The dark-haired one asked, surprised. I
do believe they had introduced themselves at some point, but I
was either too drunk or didn’t care enough to remember their
names—instead of asking for it, I shrugged to answer his
question. “They’ve found—” his friend interrupted him with a
shocked face, a hand gripping the man’s shoulder, “Taichi,
gross stuff man, prepare the girl before dropping the info like
that!” Girl, not woman, I thought but didn’t say anything. The
man in question apologized and mumbled, “Yeah, it’s a bit
gross,” He looked at me again, almost excited, but he had to
keep it on the down low. “Anyway, they found pieces of the
missing chairman by the airport. Don’t know if they
mentioned it in the news yet, but like, it was in a plastic bag?
Some guys say it’s a taunt, but we ain’t sure yet.”
My stomach churned and I felt sick, luckily that’s how anyone
would feel hearing such things. I felt sick, not from the graphic
depiction of what they had found, but from some guilt I didn’t
know was buried deep inside me and from the fear of being
discovered. Hearing it from the news was one thing, but
hearing it at my workplace, by the people supposedly helping
the search, at the very place where the man had been killed—
where I killed the man… I had to cover my mouth and signal
for them to bring me something. Rai hurried, but she never
stopped looking at me, observing, gawking almost. I could
hear Taichi’s colleagues telling him not to describe it in such
detail, all the man did was mumble a sorry before telling them
off. When I had the bin in hand nothing came out, but I stayed
there a moment before looking up and smiling politely. I
needed to know more, anyone would ask for details, right?
Anyone would be curious, right? “Do they know what
happened? What… What type of remains… is he still alive?
Kidnapped? Was he killed?” Too many questions, it looked
suspicious, I had to look more like a victim.
With a fake gag, I brought the bin closer ‘feeling something
rise in my throat’ but nothing once more. This time it was
fake, I needed to show some sort of weakness, not anyone
would be so at ease hearing or talking about those things. Rai
placed a hand on my shoulder as the police officers explained
more of what had happened. Clearly they knew very little, all
they had found was his foot cut above the ankle. Theories
were that the person responsible for that had done so to stop
him from running away. Meaning, there had been some sort of
chase and he could still be alive, but they highly doubted that.
It made me wonder what they could find out from just a foot. I
hadn’t touched Eisuke anywhere when we had been in his
office, they couldn’t trace anything back to me. Hanma
probably touched him to get him out of there but he was smart
enough, he must have made sure to cover his tracks. “…Think
he’s dead, but we don’t even know the murder weapon. That’s
crazy stuff right there.”
My whole body froze at the mention of the murder weapon.
Everything suddenly felt cold, my face painted in dread and
my bag felt heavier than ever when I became aware of the gun
in my bag. I almost glanced at it, but took a hold of myself and
instead looked at the elevator to face everyone once again, “It
isn’t the most joyful way to start the day, I’ll admit. I’ll get to
work then, hopefully you’ll find out what happened.” I smiled
respectfully before stepping away from them. I was stopped in
my stride when a hand hooked around my arm with force, my
heart almost jumping out of my chest when multiple scenarios
crossed my mind—could it be Ran again? Or Koko this time?
Someone new? “By the way, did you hear about Shuusuke?”
One of Taichi’s friends that were with us at the club asked. My
back was turned to them, they couldn’t see the dread in my
eyes, but someone did. Someone saw how I reacted, only
making me more aware of the situation: Ran was in the
waiting hall, looking right at me with an almost entertained
grin as he looked up from the papers in his hands.
Gulping, I forced my gaze away from him and straightened my
back when I turned around to look at Rai and the men, “I lost
sight of him during the night… I saw an old friend of mine
then I couldn’t find him again. He hasn’t texted me since,” I
let out a dry, embarrassed chuckle, warmth spreading on my
face. One would believe from shyness or shame, but it was
from stress, I did not like improv. But I knew the basics, yes,
and. “Perhaps he didn’t like me as much as I liked him.” I
shrugged, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. Fuck,
this was a joke, having to act coy over a man like him, having
to pretend to even have had a faint interest in him. “You met
us at the bar though, so you knew where he was?” I kept my
expression in check and only frowned my brows in confusion,
“I remember drinking, dancing a bit with him, then I saw my
friend on my way to the toilets and Shuusuke was waiting for
me…” A fake pensive expression, some forced wrinkling of
my face to make them think I was thinking hard, “Right, then
they talked?” I was involving Hanma into it, I shouldn’t do
that—“Barely, they said hi then my friend pulled me to one of
the couches and we… chatted. I think I must have drank about
too much then because I barely remember anything, but I got
home safely which was a miracle!” I continued, finally letting
out a shaky laugh in relief.
“Yeah, I think he got drunk too and got into a fight.” One of
the friends said, “We got a call from the hospital, I think
Hitoshi was his emergency call.” The last man, whose name I
did not know, said. Hitoshi hummed and took it as his turn to
speak, “He’s in a coma, but he’ll get through this. Got beaten
up pretty roughly, they said it’s a miracle that he isn’t dead.” It
was my cue to act surprised, I had to act as if I cared. So I
gasped and covered my mouth, eyes filled with worry and
emotion. Hitoshi quickly placed a hand on my shoulder to
reassure me, “But we’re built differently, we’re badasses so
he’ll make it. I’m sure he’d be happy to have you visit him.” I
nodded through the fake tears that were now running down my
cheeks then wiped them, sniffing a bit too loudly but it worked
perfectly.
With a sad smile, I nodded once more and looked down a
moment to ‘compose myself’ before speaking, “I’ll find time
to visit him, I need to get to work in the meantime. I don’t
know if I’ll be able to focus much with what’s going on, but
I’ll try!” I said in fake optimism. They all said it’ll be fine, that
I’ll manage, but I didn’t miss Rai’s side glance when she
walked past me and said she’d wait for me in the office. She
seemed a lot less happy than usual, less energetic, but I
couldn’t tell if it was from the news about Eisuke or something
else.
There was no time to ponder more about it right now, because
when I walked to the elevator that was empty and the doors
were closing, a hand stopped them. Ran stepped in and waited
until it was fully closed to speak up, his well put together
demeanor of a businessman loosening at the same time his tie
did while he unbuttoned his coat. “I missed that scared attitude
of yours, I’m glad it hasn’t changed.” Without throwing him a
second glance, I pressed the button for the doors to open, but
felt him quickly grabbing my hand and pulling me with force,
my back hitting the wall hard. I heard the echo of my head
bumping on the metal surface and let out a hiss before Ran’s
lips were on mine, quickly, vigorously and forcefully kissing
me with no return of action on my part. When he pulled back,
his tie was on the floor and he was looking at me with a manic
smile, “I didn’t kiss you last time, but I’m sure you taste so
much better right now, that’s the flavour of insanity. Salty, a bit
like you.”
My jaw was clenched and I didn’t say anything in return.
Whenever I talked back, he’d get more annoyed and whatever
I’d say wouldn’t be good for him to hear. While Hanma could
turn anything against me in ways to have control over me, Ran
could turn everything I say into fuel for his wrath. My nose
flared, I felt my eyes water from the discomfort of having him
so close, but he didn’t care at all, “Hanma showed us that
pretty picture you sent, want me to make your dream come
true?” His fingers gently tapped around my neck before
pressing slightly, his mouth half open as he looked down at me
in pure lust. “No, thank you.” I uttered in a soft tone, hoping
he wouldn’t get mad. My heart tightened knowing Hanma
hadn’t kept the picture for himself, but I knew I wasn’t
allowed to feel betrayed. I wasn’t allowed to be surprised,
because it was who he was, he prided himself on having me as
his pet project and I should have expected him to show off the
picture. I could only blame myself for sending it. “I ain’t about
to beat you up, you handled those cops so fucking well—shit, I
could almost see myself in you!” His hand was tightening
around my neck as he spoke.
He then continued, “The acting?” a kiss on my cheek, a kiss
way too soft and too intimate to be coming from him, it made
me nauseous. “Impeccable, but…” His hand was pressed
under my chin, forcing me to tiptoe to not feel so choked. “I
already miss the tears, last time you…” He interrupted himself
and let go of me to grab my shoulder and turn me around to
press my chest against the wall, “I remember how you were a
fucking tattletale last time, lucky for me Hanma doesn’t care
that much and didn’t do shit.” While one arm wrapped around
my front to grip my neck, holding me back tightly against his
chest, the other traveled down to my hips, “Means I can have
more fun.”
I tried to have him let go of me but there was nothing I could
do. No matter how much I struggled, he had the upper hand.
Being at my workplace made me even more bound, I couldn’t
escape him. My head was starting to feel dizzy from the hit
against the wall or perhaps from the lack of air getting to my
brain from how tightly Ran was gripping my neck. “I’ll give
him some credit, he did wonders with you—look, you’re not
even barking anymore! Shit, last time you kept yapping and
yapping, it ticked me off so bad.” He ranted as his hand lifted
my shirt and was reaching for my breast. I had a flashback of
Hanma doing so last time he was at my place, but this very
moment was entirely different. I wasn’t enjoying it at all, so I
closed my eyes and held back a whimper.
My eyes didn’t stay closed for long; when I heard the door
open, I was hoping Ran would let go but he did not care. If
anyone was standing there, they would see two people, and
from the closeness and the position we were in, they’d think
we were about to fuck. Craning my neck to look at the
entrance, we were at the basement floor and it was not a
colleague standing there with rolled up sleeves and a lit
cigarette between his lips.
It was Hanma.
“Deadass?” Ran sighed, his eyes locked with Hanma’s. When
I tried to run up to him, Ran held me back and turned me
around so I was facing Hanma before letting me go with a
strong push in his direction. “Your dead ass, on the floor,”
Hanma started. My knees hit the hard ground, hurting more
than I could have imagined but I quickly got up, ignoring the
pain, to get to Hanma. He continued, “In about…” then looked
at his watch, “2 minutes? But that’s giving you too much
credit.” He said with a wicked smile before unhooking his
watch and handing it to me when I stumbled to his side. His
hand gripped my elbow to keep me balanced; warmth spread
through my body the moment I was next to him, but I was too
busy worrying about the situation to bask in the moment. With
my hand holding onto his watch, I was going to push away
from him, thinking that he wouldn’t want me close when his
hand gripped my waist to stop me. “Shut the fuck up, this is
boring. I was gonna fuck her, did you have to interrupt, you
sicko?” Ran rolled his eyes as he grabbed his tie from the
ground and started tying it, oblivious of the tension—or
purposely ignoring it.
“Nah, it’s fun cause you thought you’d have fun with my girl
when you knew I was in the fucking building.” His words
were anything but humorous, his tone not matching the mood
either. Then he looked at me and asked in his manic tone, eyes
filled with rage, “Don’t you think it’s funny?” He looked back
at Ran, “Cause I think it’s hilarious!”
I had a vague idea of where this was going from the crazed
look in his eyes, from the widening smile on his lips and from
the clenched hand on my form, “It’s my workplace, it’s fine,
let it go.” I meant I didn’t want anything to escalate, but he
wasn’t having it. When he faced me again, the crazy seemed to
go down only slightly, “Don’t you like a good show?” “Shuji,
please.” “Needs to be done, he tried to steal my shit.” He
explained as a matter of fact. I’d like to say that what I told
him next was to alleviate the situation, his anger even, to help
calm everything down—but it’d be a lie. I said what I said to
rile him up, to get him even more mad, because seeing him
like that was so beautiful to me, it made my heart soar to see
him get worked up for me. So I looked him in the eyes and
said, “He just kissed me… at best he put his hand under my
shirt, but that’s it.” I heard Ran groan ‘fucking tattletale’ as he
let his head fall back and started undoing his tie again.
Hanma was nothing if not possessive. That’s what I liked
about him. Maybe because he made me believe I was valuable
and I wanted that.
That trait of him showed when he gripped his hand on my face
and kissed me possessively, a kiss returned with despair;
helplessly trying to have him closer, to feel that comfort he
brought me so many times. He stopped when Ran cleared his
throat, effectively getting his attention back. “Can’t kill you,
but Mikey didn’t say shit about beating you up.” Just like that,
Hanma sped to Ran and they started fighting with only one
thought in their heads each..
Kill, for Hanma. And survive, for Ran.
There were no weapons, only their bare fists, so maybe that’s
why it felt like none of them would die. Maybe that’s why it
felt like it was just a simple quarrel between siblings, or
friends. But the blood on their knuckles, on their lips and teeth
alongside the one on the collars of their shirts was a giveaway
to how grave it actually was. And yet, I couldn’t tear my gaze
away from the display of violence in front of my eyes—at
least not without help. When I heard my phone ping, I
scrambled to get it out of my bag and looked at a message
from Rai asking me where I was. In panic, I looked up from
the phone to observe the two men fighting like enraged dogs
and smiled when I saw how much Hanma was enjoying
himself. That happiness of mine was quickly replaced by a
sense of urgency as I called out, “Can I leave?”
Hanma suddenly clasped his hand on Ran’s face, pushing him
away while the purple-haired man kneed him in the stomach.
The half-blond groaned, then met my eyes with his, “I’ll catch
you later, doll? Be good and don’t lose my watch, yeah?” Ran
interrupted him by punching him in the jaw, all I could do was
nod, then say under my breath, “Be good, don’t lose the watch,
yeah I can do that. Mmh…” I hummed as I entered the
elevator, carefully tucking my shirt back in my pants and
cleaning myself up.
I thought my biggest worry was the two men fighting on the
lowerground of the firm I worked at, the same firm in which
someone had been killed right in front of my eyes. But those
were threats I could see, that I was aware of, threats I could
deal with—Bonten could deal with.
But when I reached the floor where I worked, the feeling
seemed different. When I joined my desk and glanced at my
Junior she seemed… off. Something about her was different,
but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was; something in the pit of my
stomach told me she had something going on. When I looked
at her a bit too long, the frown on her face disappeared and she
smiled at me, as if nothing was going on. As if she had been
herself the entire time.
But I knew better. She was hiding something, I had yet to
discover what it was and that’s what I feared. My guts were
telling me she was acting suspiciously and while she kept that
little game of hers up, I couldn’t discover what it was.
I needed to be extra careful around her. What of? I didn’t
know. But I was not about to let my guard down around her,
something must have happened to make her look at me like a
stranger and I was going to find out.
Nothing could be left unchecked, I needed to be sure it was all
happening in my head, that I was being paranoid.
Which would turn out to be untrue.
Chapter End Notes

Surprise…. Still passing my exams, but you all deserved

this. I think? Thoughts? I think it’s getting so much fun,
and I have so many fucked up ideas for incoming
chapters. Golly it’s going to be fun! <3 Don’t be afraid to
rant in the comments, I know you are all ill don’t worry.
Follow me on Twitter for some content? Sometimes we
do fun night on Discord, but yall are too weak to ask me
for the link. That’s the only trial But yes, ask me to
join the Discord if your 18+ and you want just…
unhinged thoughts. (@PhysicalTurian)

Words : 9753
Added on 13th January 2022
 Chapter 14
Chapter Notes

Warning of the work in itself always works for this

chapter! There is some vomitting
Inspired by :
https://twitter.com/yyttyyttyyttt/status/147658220239808
1026?s=20
https://twitter.com/kuroexxxx/status/14805725750803947
59?s=20
https://twitter.com/mise_en_sceness/status/148001188671
6665857/photo/4
Once more a big thank you to Din for beta reading this
See the end of the chapter for more notes

My investigation on Rai was not a success.

At least not as fast as I’d have wanted it to be. All the time it
took me to find out what she knew, I was starting to grow
more and more convinced that I was paranoid. On Monday
when the fight was happening in the basement, I could hardly
focus on the tasks I had been assigned. As I was doing them, I
could feel the weight of Hanma’s watch in my pocket. I had to
hurry and give it back to him before he could find a reason to
visit me again—I couldn’t allow it, not knowing how my self-
control was thinning as time went on.
Of course it was one of the main reasons that kept me
unfocused, but there were others. One of them being that icky
feeling I was feeling all over my body ever since Ran touched
me, I couldn’t seem to get rid of it even after washing my face
and scrubbing the places I could when in the bathroom. I hated
my brain for thinking the solution to it would be to feel
Hanma’s touch instead, so I ignored it the best I could and
instead directed my attention to Rai’s behaviour. How I kept
catching her looking at me throughout the day was annoying
enough, but when I’d ask her what was going on she’d simply
laugh nervously, adding that she was still tired from the
Halloween party. “I am quite a bad drinker, I may have drank
too much.” She wasn’t as hectic as usual, when I told her I
also drank quite a lot that night she immediately jumped on the
topic.
“Do you have blackouts? Did your friend get home safely?
You mentioned a friend earlier, is she alright?” Curling a brow
at her rapid questioning I smiled sweetly, she continued, “You
were wild that night—” Suddenly she stopped when I met her
gaze, not as a friend but as her boss, something I liked her to
remember when she was starting to get too familiar at the
workplace. She mumbled a quick apology to which I told her
it was fine then explained, “My friend went home, yes. I don’t
have—I have a few blackouts but nothing much, mostly the
end of the night more than anything.” I slipped, I had almost
fucked up my story. Of course I remembered everything, but
when I lied to the people downstairs, Rai being one of them, I
had told them a completely different story. It didn’t matter
now, I needed to close the topic to avoid having to lie more,
meaning to remember more of my own fuck up, “I think we
should refrain from having such a wild night for a while.” I
told her with a soft laugh, making her laugh too as she nodded.
It sounded forced and not genuine but I let it slide.
We then returned to work and she seemed deep in thought for
the entirety of the day. When I left the office and stepped out
of the building, my arm was snatched and I was pulled to the
side of the building. Before I could say anything, Hanma’s
voice reached my ears and I let out a sigh of relief, “That’s not
a nine to five job, it’s almost 7. Don’t overwork yourself like
that,” I quirked a brow at his words, unfamiliar with any sort
of concern from him. He continued, “It’s not fun if you fall
asleep before I get home, how am I supposed to have fun?” He
cooed in false care, mockingly even. His grip on my arm
lessened so that his right hand could slide from my arm to my
ass, holding it firmly. I didn’t move it and instead looked up at
him and placed my hands on his cheeks—his left hand went to
grab one of my arms to pull it away, but he left the other hand
there. The weird tension that had built in my body since the
moment in the elevator did not fade slowly, it rapidly left,
making me elated to see Hanma, to be able to touch him.
I had craved him.
I had needed him all day.
Now that I was close to him, I could let my guard down. I
wanted to ask him to touch me, to let his hands roam all over
my body, to do something—anything, to help with that
disgusting feeling all over my body. But that’d mean admitting
I enjoyed this trick of his, this manipulation he had so
skillfully pulled in, making me want him every time
something went wrong. That thing he had worked hard on to
get me to eat from the palm of his hand.
The world seemed to stop for a moment, there was the lively
city buzz happening far from us with some people talking too
loudly as they walked by and the awful sound of cars and
bikes speeding by. But it all seemed so far, so muffled, when
we were this close to one another. Hanma wasn’t moving,
instead he was looking down at me with half-lidded eyes and a
growing smirk, but nothing too arrogant. For now. “When
Ran…” about to tell Hanma more about what had happened,
the man rolled his eyes and forcefully turned us around to
press my back against the wall as he used it for balance while
he lifted one of my legs and pressed his form against me,
“Shit, don’t talk about him again.” he swore under his breath.
Immediately, his hands were on my shirt and he started
unbuttoning it skillfully all while talking, “I made clear you
were mine to play with, and he still—” The frown that had
appeared as he finished undoing my shirt disappeared when he
let out a chuckle and rested his chin on my head.
Before he could speak, I allowed my hand to move from his
cheek to his throat and on a whim leaned in to kiss his neck,
regretting it instantly when he gripped my chin and pressed
my head against the wall. A daring chuckle escaped my lips as
they grew into a grin, “Sounds to me like you’re jealous.” His
mouth opened in O shape for a few seconds, he then let go of
my face and instead held my wrists above my head while his
other hand slid over my body to rest on my ribs. His nails ever
so lightly dug into my skin, slowly putting more pressure as he
spoke, “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” He dipped his head to
ghost his lips against my shoulder, but he did not kiss it.
Instead, he continued talking as he traveled to my chest, “Did
you get turned on seeing two men fight over you?” I couldn’t
tell him I did. I couldn’t tell him he was right about both of
those statements. What stopped me from admitting it out loud
was the shame of doing so, but I also knew that if I opened my
mouth, I’d be letting out moans and shaky breaths from the
cold of the night and his warm breath on my breasts.
“Did you get excited knowing I was beating up a man for
you?” He freed my breasts and twirled his tongue around my
nipple while locking his eyes with mine. I was unable to look
away. His gaze was pulling me in, my face was heating up but
I didn’t ask him to stop. I wanted to thread my fingers through
his hair but all I could do was graze the tips of my fingers
against his cold hand. “I almost forgot to praise you for
keeping my watch, you did well, babe.” Humming, he smiled
at me while gently biting on my skin; a hiss of pain and
pleasure left my lips, only to be replaced by heavy breathing
from how my hands were still above my head. Hanma only
stopped the action of his tongue to speak, then resumed. “Look
at you letting me touch you right in the open!” The hand on
my rib moved to the nipple that was receiving attention; he
squeezed, gripped and scratched all while sucking on my nub.
His tongue trailed from my breasts to my chest, then my neck
where he slowed down to trail up to my ear, “Begging,
shaking for my touch. Because I’m the only one that can bring
you comfort.” He let go of my wrists and tilted my head to the
side and held it there, breathing down my neck as my fingers
threaded through his hair and one hand held onto his shoulder.
“I’ll make you forget all about him,” the softness of his lips on
my throat must have caught us both off guard. When I let out a
gasp of surprise, and surely part of me was reeling in joy,
Hanma sunk his teeth in my skin with force this time making
me cry out in pain. “Don’t be so loud, it’s so unprofessional of
you.” He whispered mockingly, his hand finally leaving my
jaw to wrap around my throat and tighten.
Shame flooded my body when a whimper of excitement left
my lips at the pressure of his hand. I kept my eyes on his,
desperate to see his reactions to my bold or perhaps shameful
display of enjoying his touch. “You better not have moaned
like that when he touched you,” he started, constricting my
neck even more. His tone was now barely above a whisper as
his lips ghosted over mine, a wicked smile on them—a
contrast to the intimidation in his eyes, “Cause that’d mean I’d
have to show him I can do better, hm?” As he hummed
inquisitively, he pressed his lips against mine. I brought him as
close as I could by pushing against the back of his head while I
kissed him back. Teeth against teeth, tongues sloppily
intertwining while his hands traveled to my ass and pulled me
closer. We only ever pulled apart to breathe, but I didn’t dare
open my eyes, I wanted to bask in this delusion. I couldn’t call
it a fantasy, nor a fairytale, not when he was involved.
Whatever dream I had was wrong, it shouldn’t be.
A delusion.
The delusion of calling this ‘intimacy’, when I knew he was
just getting what he wanted when he wanted. Only to pull
himself away and grin knowingly, raising his hand that now
held his gold watch, “Thank you for this,” His eyes trailed to
my breasts, he leaned over and kissed each of them, making
sure to trail his tongue over the skin, “And this.” He added as
he leaned back and put on his watch. Looking at him with
wide eyes, I quickly covered myself, buttoning my shirt back
before taking my bag from the floor. With my back facing
him, I took a few steps away from him as I spoke, “If you
weren’t wounded, I’d have hit you for acting like that—” his
right hand hit my ass with force, I let out a grunt more at the
brutality than at the pain. “Check the attitude, doll,” He started
as he hooked a finger to the back of my pants to pull me back
towards him. When I was standing right against him, he had to
extend his hand with a lit cigarette away from my face as his
chin rested on my shoulder, “Why play hard to get when I
already got you, mh? If I didn’t have plans, I would have
fucked you right against that wall to show you how down bad
you are—and guess what?” He asked softly, a softness that did
not suit him because I knew he was mocking me.
“You’d have let me, there isn’t any ounce of shame left in you.
That’s how I like it.” He drawled the last part with his cheek
pressed against mine, his freezing earring grazing my skin and
sending shivers down my spine. Inhaling deeply, I then
breathed out slowly to calm down as I felt his hold loosen and
I could finally step away. “And there’s never been an ounce of
shame in you, that’s where we’re different.” I scoffed, walking
away, somewhat proud of what I had said. That pride did not
stay seated long when Hanma called out, “You still admit
you’re shameless—in the end, we’re exactly the same, it
doesn’t matter how you got there.” I shook my head and
walked away faster, muttering under my breath clearly
repeating his words, “Doesn’t matter how I got there because
you’re there with me.” I shocked myself by saying it loud
enough for me to hear and frowned. As long as he was there, it
didn’t really matter where I was, I’d feel safe even in the
middle of a group of hitmen if he were by my side.
The realization of how safe I felt with him was subtle enough
that the shock did not last long; however, the idea never really
left my mind, instead it sat comfortably in the back of my head
for a large amount of time. And how comfortable was it to
know I had him as a safe space, that it was alright to find
comfort in him because I had abandoned all will to fight him.
All I could do was enjoy it, this, him. Everything.
I’d like to say that I kept texting him during the week because
it was part of the deal that we had, that he had something to
blackmail me with, that him showing my pictures to Ran put
me off—but nothing was forcing me to send him pictures
when he’d ask. There was no gun against my head, nothing he
could do while I was working that would force me to get up
and go to the restroom to send him pictures. And yet, I did. I’d
tell him off through text to not make it easy for him, but I
would still get up and go to a stall to give him exactly what he
wanted. I had been flattered when I learned he had flaunted me
like a trophy to Ran, perhaps even others. And maybe that’s
what fueled my need to show him he could be even more
proud of me. It was thrilling, not that I’d tell him that. He
shouldn’t know I was seeking his approval like a lap dog.
I sought it, that approval, and I got it every time he’d send
something back. Most of the time it was videos and even if he
had bandages around his stomach, to hold the compress on his
patchwork-sewn wound, I would find it hot to see what was
happening around him while he took those videos. Sometimes
he was in his office and I’d let my mind wander to scenarios
where he’d be sitting on that very chair and I’d be riding him
on it, that familiar creaking sound echoing on the walls,
clearly warning everyone of what was happening in the room.
He’d be looking at me with that salacious and lust-filled gaze
of his while his fingers would curl into my thighs, hurting me
in the best way possible, helping me up and down his cock
with brute force, bruising my skin. If I dared let my head fall
back in pleasure, he’d grab me by the throat and force me to
look at him, that ever present grin adorning his features as
he’d whisper, “Fucking look away again and I’ll fuck til you
can’t walk, boss—” Boss? Looking back at my phone, I heard
my name being called again and looked up at the closed door
of the stall.
“Boss, are you in there?” She called again, this time she
started opening every stall door and before she could reach
mine, I stood up from the toilet and flushed it to act like I
hadn’t been doing something else. Shoving my phone in my
pocket, I got out of the stall and smiled at her politely on my
way to the sink, “Rai, hi, did I take too long? I had to deal with
a problem, so I sent a few emails on my phone.” With a soft
chuckle, I started washing my hands and looked at the woman
from the side, expecting her to tell me what she wanted.
Instead, she looked at her phone and seemed to be texting
someone; when she noticed I was looking at her, she put her
phone away and handed me a paper towel to dry my hands.
“Sorry, hm. Yes, I had a few questions!” She said a bit too
enthusiastically, she seemed to have caught it too, that
overenthusiasm of hers, and straightened her back. With a
shuffle on the spot, she grabbed the middle of her blouse a bit
to bring some air in, clearly not enjoying the warmth of the
room. It was odd, but she had been acting like this the entire
week, so I let her speak.
A clear of her throat, a nervous chuckle, then she was ready, “I
think—I remember at the club you disappeared at some point,
where did you go?” My heart rate increased, I smiled then
pulled out my phone casually and looked at her while I
unlocked it, “You’re asking something hard, I don’t remember
much, didn’t I tell you and everyone that I had a few
blackouts?” She nodded with a hum but started muttering
some things, while she did so I typed without looking at the
screen, and probably putting in a few typos at the same time,
“Call me in 3 mins” is what I thought I had typed, only later
would I notice I wrote something that did not look one bit like
that.
“I know you said so, but I was sure I saw you go to the
restroom at some point and—” “Well, I probably did. I’m not
going to lie to you, I drank quite a lot. Odds are that I had to
pee a few times that night.” A forced, but believable laugh
escaped my lips, it frightened me how normal it sounded but
mostly how natural it was to let it out. To keep up the act of
friendliness, even if it might be wrong to do so, I patted her
arm and quirked a brow, “Did something happen that night?
Something you want to talk about? Whatever happened, I can
be your witness, you just have to tell me when and where—”
We both knew what I meant by that, the words didn’t need to
be spoken out loud and from her reaction it wasn’t that.
Instead, she pushed my hand off of her and giggled nervously,
“No, no, nothing happened, it’s just that I saw you walk out of
there and you didn’t go back inside.” I knew where she was
going with that and whatever she was going to say was going
to prove I had been right all along, she was acting suspicious.
If she had seen whatever happened in the alley, odds are she’s
talked about it to someone for guidance.
Raising a brow again, I cut her off before she could speak,
“Oh? So you know what I did that night?” I took a step closer,
she took a step back. “If you do, enlighten me because I don’t
remember shit.” I laughed lightly again, but she did not mirror
it this time. Instead she looked down at herself then back at
me, “You went in that alley and—” I couldn’t be more grateful
when my phone rang. Taking a few steps back, I placed a hand
in front of me to tell her to wait and pointed at my phone as I
picked up. “Gotta take this, give me a moment. Don’t leave!” I
said sweetly as I walked out of the restroom and into the hall.
“Didn’t get that text of yours, did you write it while touching
yourself or something?” Without even paying attention to his
words, I walked further away from the bathroom and made
sure no one was around before talking, “I think someone saw
the thing, that night at that spot, you know…” “You sound
dumb, be more specific.” Rolling my eyes at his attitude, I
faked a laugh and smiled when I saw someone walk by, being
vague would look suspicious even on the phone so I had to try
something else, “Do you remember when you got yourself in
such a mess you needed stitches on your stomach? That was so
stressful…” “You’re trynna be discrete, but it’s ticking me off,
so get to the point.” Gritting my teeth, I let out a sigh of
frustration and brought the phone close to my mouth to
whisper, while still being heard, “Rai is asking questions about
the night in the alley. I think she saw.” “Ahhh, it’s just that?
Tell her off, the fuck do you want me to tell you?” Hearing him
say that, I instantly regretted calling him and thought I should
have called Koko instead.
Instead, I leaned against the wall casually and smiled, “What if
the cops are involved, Shuji? What if she has a wire? Call me
paranoid, but she is too nice to not go to the cops if she’s heard
something.” I had to take a deep breath and calm myself down
before running my hand over my face and bringing the phone
close again, “If they manage to use whatever she saw to get to
you, what do we do then?” Hanma only hummed at first, he
then let out a small chuckle. One that meant he didn’t care
really, it must have been funny to him that I thought the police
were competent when Bonten had them eating from the palm
of their hands. “Improvise, doll. Heard you’re a starlet, show
me if you can get rid of her. If she’s still not convinced
afterwards, we’ll deal with it.” “You mean they will deal with
it, that organization.” I scoffed dryly, not wanting to show him
I feared what they would do.
“Afraid to say the name of your new workplace? Come on
babe, don’t fear the name!” He exclaimed, standing up from
the chair he was seated on, that familiar creak heard through
the phone. “Fear how far you’ll go for it if you fuck up the one
task you’ve been assigned.” My heart stopped, he had turned
this entire situation around in a way I was now forced to do
something. I couldn’t just not return to the restroom and leave
her be, ignore her, avoid her—no, I had to deal with it properly
and make sure she stopped asking. “Thank you. It was
unhelpful and only added to my stress. I’ll hang up.” “Don’t be
mad babe, make me proud and keep the nosy bitch in check,
that’s all.” I hated him for phrasing it like that; not because he
insulted my friend and coworker, no… “Ah, and don’t forget to
swing by my place tonight.” That I only caught when I was
pulling my phone away from my ear; it made me pay attention
once more as I was walking back to the restroom. “Why would
I do that?” I asked in a bored tone, but if I was being honest,
he had piqued my interest.
He laughed loudly and was probably walking at the same time
too because I could hear his earring grazing the phone as he
spoke, “Didn’t I say I had big plans for us Friday? It’s Friday,
so be ready.” “Am I allowed to say no?” I asked, stopping in
front of the door to the toilets. “Of course, of course.” He
paused, smiling. “But you don’t want to say no. You know the
address, so when you’re done playing pest control, come.” He
did not wait for me to tell him I was not going to be there
before he hung up. After all, we both knew I was going to be
there, who was I to refuse him? To refuse seeing him at his
place for the first time since I had gotten rid of the weight that
kept me somewhat grounded. The one that kept telling me to
fight him. Since it was gone, I could finally contemplate the
idea of having fun at his place while both of us were into it. If
not out of love and care, we could still fuck out of lust and
carnal desire. Right?
I did not brainstorm much before taking matters into my own
hands. That’s what I was told to do, to deal with it and to have
her keep her mouth shut. Rai was a good person, perhaps too
good, and that’s why I knew she wouldn’t want to talk, she
would only want to hear the truth. She would want justice, that
is if she thought I was the one responsible for Shuusuke’s
predicament. To obtain this justice, I was convinced she was
working with someone: the police. Knowing this, what I did
next was justified, right? It was somewhat… rational, right?
Shaking my head, I entered the restroom again.
Rai was leaning against the wall, her collar on her chin, she
was clearly bored—when she saw me walk in, she pushed
herself from the wall and waited for the other woman in the
room to leave, but not without giving us a side glance of
confusion. When the door was closed, I did not waste time and
walked rapidly towards Rai, she stepped back once more
against the wall, her eyes wide. Without telling her anything, I
gripped the hem of her shirt and lifted it. She barely had time
to grab my hand that my free one had ripped the wire that was
taped to her skin. She winced and tried to get it from my
hands, but I dropped it on the floor immediately then stomped
on it to destroy it. She gasped, I stepped away from it and let
her fall to her knees, gathering the scraps in her hands, “Why?
How—what happened in that alley?! What did you do to that
cop?” She was fully sobbing now, afraid of what I’d do next.
A laugh escaped my lips as I crouched by her side and lifted
her chin with the tip of my fingers, “Why would you ask?
Why did you have to ask?” I asked curiously at first, then with
a certain sadness.
I stood up again and looked down at her, “Why did you snoop
around, Rai? Don’t you know curiosity killed the cat?
Couldn’t you just ignore whatever you saw?” I kicked the
scraps from her hands, she flinched and gasped, avoiding my
foot—not that I was going to kick her in the face. Turning
around, I ran my hands through my hair and did a full 360° to
look at her again, “I am telling you, satisfaction will do you no
good. It won’t bring you back if they kill you!!” Fuck, I
needed to keep my tone down. With a long sigh, I grabbed her
by the hair and made her look at me, she was skittish and I
hated seeing that from her. It annoyed me because I needed her
to hear what I was saying, “You shouldn’t have involved the
cops. Who else knows about this?” A loud sob escaped her
lips but she didn’t reply, she only looked at me in the eyes with
pure terror.
“God damn it, Rai! I’m trying to help here, and you’re not
being cooperative at all!” “Only… only my boyfriend.” With a
roll of eyes, I let go of her and took my phone, “Yes, well it’s
not helpful. They’re all the same, which one is yours?” She
quickly muttered his name and I wrote it down on my phone,
sending the name to Koko instead of Hanma in case the latter
decided to take care of the situation in a rougher way than
necessary.
With another long sigh, I looked at her and reached for her
hand, pulling her up to her feet. “You look like shit, so take
care of that. Then go home, you’re in no state to do anything.”
I know I sounded annoyed, and it surprised me that I was
indeed frustrated to see her this pitiful. But I did not have time
to spend on her; once she nodded, I left the room and got to
my desk to get my bag then left the building. There was no
point in making her promise she’d do what I told her to do,
because the outcome of the situation would be on her.
If she listened, she’d stay alive.
If she talked to her boyfriend again or to another cop, she’d
die.
It was simple and I had no control over it.
All I could do was wait to see how it all unfolded.
But waiting was something I was finding harder and harder to
do. As time went on, I was getting more on edge. I couldn’t
stay put, my mind was constantly running wild and when it
wasn’t fueled by this excitement of seeing Hanma—or the one
of doing something adrenaline inducing—I’d feel bad. I’d
want to busy myself the best I could to stop thinking about
what I’d do next, when I’d see him next or even contemplating
the next errand they’d give me.
I knew when I’d see him since I was on my way to his place,
as per his request—not that it’d be described as a request,
perhaps I should say ‘as per his undeclinable invite’. Hanma
had been right in saying I did not want to refuse his invitation;
ever since he had told me to come by, I had been considering
so many things. None of which would happen if he had
planned on bringing me to one of his trips to kill someone… I
think. Whichever the occasion was for my visit, I still believed
he could have come and picked me up instead of choosing to
make me walk. Did he not realize how shaky my body was
after dealing with a problem he had created by beating up a
man in an alley on that one night he felt more unhinged than
usual?
Sighing, I shoved my hands in my pockets for the rest of the
way there until I reached the building I seemed to recognize.
Being familiar with it was a big word considering I had only
visited the place once, but it had left enough of a mark in my
mind to recognize it. After all, quite a lot had happened the
last time I went to his apartment, so much that I feared how far
I’d have gone if we hadn’t been interrupted. Seeing the
doorman smile knowingly at me as I walked up to him helped
make sure this was the very place I was supposed to meet
Hanma at. “Good afternoon, I remember you, miss…” As he
trailed off, I gave him my name with a polite smile and asked
for his, to which he replied, “Call me Masato—say, has
anything happened? You look a lot more tired than last time I
saw you, perhaps it’s the weather. It is quite draining on all of
us. Of course I’m not saying you look bad Miss, only that you
seem tired in the way—” Waving my hands in front of him, I
let out a sincere chuckle with another smile. “It is fine, I
haven’t been sleeping a lot lately. But I am good.”
His gaze changed from a kind stranger to someone that knew.
Someone that had seen things, it was serious, intense and
penetrating my soul. It made me want to look away and rush to
the elevator, but he spoke up, less joyously, “I am sorry for
this.” Then, his hand was on my mouth and he was holding
me, my back pressed against his chest as he tightened his hold
around me while I struggled to get out of it. “It’s just that you
came by a second time, that means he’s taken a liking to you—
we could make could use of that connection to take him and
his stupid gang down, it’s nothing against you, trust me.” He
was too strong and it wasn’t just sheer strength, it was trained
strength, trained chokehold. If he wasn’t from the police, he
was probably someone who worked in another force, the
army?
As I tried to claw my way out of his hold, my muffled screams
were barely heard over how tightly his hand was clasped on
my mouth. When my head started to feel dizzy, I suddenly was
able to breathe.
The cold air of autumn reached my lungs.
I gasped for air.
Footsteps echoed nearby after hearing the thud sound of
bodies hitting the ground. Mine as I fell to my knees, and—
“How many more fucking times are people gonna do what I
wanna do?” I heard Hanma say as he crouched by the man
lying on the ground. He was dressed a lot more casually than
usual, but I couldn’t waste time on taking a good look at him.
He turned the man’s face towards him as I placed my hand on
the ground to turn around and look at them, still dazed from
what happened seconds ago. Masato had bloody teeth,
meaning Hanma had punched him in the face or somewhere
on the head and he bit his tongue. “Alright, I’ll ask once and
only once…” As Hanma talked, Masato pulled out a gun and
the gang member reacted instinctively, by grabbing his wrist
and holding his other forearm while climbing to sit on his
stomach. “This, is cause you can’t pay fucking attention.”
Crack. I covered my mouth in disgust when I heard the sound
of Masato’s wrist breaking after Hanma bent it in ways it
shouldn’t be bent. The gun dropped to the ground, then his
arm. Quickly, Hanma took the gun and threw it at me without
having to ask me to keep it. I shoved it in my coat to hide it
and locked my eyes on what was happening in front of me.
“Who d’you work for? It’s an easy question, you’re not stupid,
little Masato. We know you aren’t.” Hanma finished his
question, but not without mocking. Masato met his gaze
without flinching but he didn’t speak, a choice had been made
at that moment; the wrong choice, of course, we all knew it,
but he seemed determined in his actions. Hanma grinned then
grabbed the man’s jaw. I had the feeling it was going
somewhere no one would want it to go and I didn’t even know
what to expect anymore, but Hanma grinned. Of course he
grinned. He was having fun, anything was a good occasion to
let out some steam. With my hands now wrapped around my
form to hold the gun inside my coat and to keep myself warm,
I kept my mouth shut and listened intently. “Alright, keep your
secrets. I’m sure you’ll,” he paused and leaned over, tilting
Masato’s head to the side to laugh, “…carry that secret to your
grave.” Crack. I wanted to belch at the sound, then Masato
when limp and his head hit the ground. Hanma stood up and
stepped towards me.
With one hand extended towards me, I handed him the gun
without saying anything. It made him laugh as he tucked it in
the front of his pants and reached for my hand once more,
helping me to my feet. “Could you avoid getting choked next
time? Only my hands are allowed around your pretty throat,
doll.” Still holding his hand, I looked up at him and frowned
as I asked in the most composed tone, even if my voice
cracked a little, “What are you going to do with the body?” I
know I shouldn’t have, but I rubbed my thumb over the back
of his hand, absentmindedly at first—and he didn’t say
anything, at first—then I placed my other hand on the back of
his, which made him look as he replied, “Put him in my trunk,
I don’t have time for this shit.” His eyes lingered on our hands,
so I let go but he didn’t. Instead, he brought my knuckles to
his lips and smiled, however his eyes were not sharing the
right emotion. Instead of happiness, or love, it was
mischievous, ill. And yet, he placed a kiss on top of my hand,
a short laugh escaping his lips as he did so, “You’re not even
telling me off for killing a man, why’s that?” He let go of my
hand and I brought it back around my form for warmth.
My cheeks were already warmer from his little gentle action, if
one could call it as such. But it wasn’t enough to heat my
entire body.
With a sigh, I looked at him seriously, “Because he deserved
it.” Masato had mentioned a ‘we’, him and some people
wanted to take down Bonten and they hoped to do so by using
me for whatever reason. Taking Bonten down would mean too
much, too many losses if they even managed to get close to us.
But they wouldn’t, because we’d neutralize whatever
semblance of a threat before it could really become a threat.
That’s what Hanma did right now, it was for Bonten, it was to
protect the organization—perhaps me, even—so it was
justified.
Hanma was now beaming proudly, “He deserved it, you’re so
right.” His hand found itself to the back of my head and he
placed a kiss on my forehead before whispering against my
skin, “Now get inside, I’ll take care of him. Wait for me in
front of the door.” He stepped back towards the body and as I
saw him find a proper way to hold the weight, I approached,
“I’ll help.” He then lifted it off the ground and over his
shoulder, my eyes widening at the display of strength then I
stepped back. “Unlock the car.” He ordered. “I don’t have the
key—” “Front pocket of my pants, come on babe, isn’t it
obvious?” I rolled my eyes and went to grab them from his
pocket, trying my best to not graze the legs of the dead man on
Hanma’s shoulder. The latter must have seen my disgust and
commented on it as I pulled the key from his pants and
unlocked the car. “If you gotta throw up, do it outside.” He
then dropped the body in the trunk of his car and slammed it
shut before wiping his hands on his pants.
“I’m fine. I just need to stop thinking about it.” I said
offhandedly before handing him his keys that he pocketed
instantly before grabbing my chin and looking down at me a
moment, “That’s dumb.” He then forced my mouth open and
shoved two fingers down my throat, making me gag; he
stepped away fast enough to avoid anything coming out of my
mouth. When I thought of where his hands were moments ago,
on Masato’s dead body or on his bloody face, when I thought
back on how the man looked dead on the ground or even when
I thought back on today’s earlier stress of having to deal with
Rai, I couldn’t stop myself from throwing up. It only stopped
once my stomach was empty and tears were prickling in the
corners of my eyes. I coughed a few times at the disgusting
taste in my mouth along with the painful feeling in my
stomach, it felt like I had been punched over and over again.
My head was also pounding, which did not help the state I was
in.
Straightening my back, I wiped my mouth and glanced at the
man who was standing with the widest grin on his face. Oh
was he pleased to have done this, I wanted him to stop looking
at me like this so I met his gaze and said, “I’d trust your dick
better in my mouth than those fingers, at least I know your
dick isn’t getting anywhere.” I paused and continued, “A lot
more hygienic than those hands of yours.” I was confident it
was an alright comeback, but he had to get the upper hand, as
usual, “Just say it if you wanna suck me off, babe. I already
told you, I love to give!” He said as he unbuttoned his pants—
I took it as my cue to walk away from him and inside the
building. His laugh followed as he did; I couldn’t stop this
little thought in the back of my head from wanting to thank
him for not caring one bit about what just happened. As odd as
it was to say this, his stupid bantering brought back a certain
normalcy after the murder, which ironically was slowly
becoming my normal but I had yet to get used to it, so I was
grateful for his bantering.
Once we were in the elevator, I leaned on the wall away from
him and shut my eyes to focus on the humming of the cage
instead of how small it was. The quiet of the space stressed me
out but also comforted me since Hanma was there, so I
mumbled, “I’ve had enough of Ran, why is he always at my
workplace? I saw him again during the week but he didn’t see
me, thank fuck.” It made Hanma laugh so loud I opened my
eyes wide in surprise, any drowsiness that had filled my body
was now gone and my heart was almost beating out of my
chest. “You do realize we killed chairmen? Ran’s replacing
one of ‘em, that way we have more power over your silly
firm.” “Bullshit, he shouldn’t be able to have any power.” The
doors opened and Hanma grabbed my wrist to pull me with
him, “Yeah, cause it’s illegal shit we’re doing, why are you
even surprised?”
The sigh I let out had him chuckle, which made me smile. I
quickly hid it and entered his apartment when the door was
open and took off my coat, draping it on a chair by the table.
Nothing had changed, except for the lack of funeral
arrangements on the table. Everything was still spotless, clean
and on one of the lamps in the living room was hanging the
undergarment I had left at his place last time I was there. The
same one he had sent me a picture of. Without missing a beat,
I walked up to it and was about to take it back when he took
my hand and stopped me, “Hey, don’t mess up my feng-shui.”
He said dead serious before letting out a barked laughter. “You
don’t get to have it back, babe. I’ve grown attached to it.”
“You are so fucking ill, you’re crazy and I can’t believe—” he
interrupted me in a mocking tone, clearly mimicking my
voice, “I can’t believe I like an idiot like you, I love you so
much Shuji.” When he was done, his eyes weren’t leaving
mine. He was waiting for my reaction, one I did not want to
give him, but hearing him say those words made me feel even
more embarrassed upon the realization that maybe I liked him
more than I thought I already did. My face heated up quickly,
yet I kept my composure “You’re so funny, I would have said
fuck you but you’d have taken that literally. I wouldn’t have
wanted that.”
“You have no idea how much it turns me on when you’re
being a bitch like that.” How despicable could he be? Did he
ever get tired from being like this? Not once has he not
jumped on the opportunity to fuck around, and even if I
wanted to complain about his behaviour, I played along. It
made me a fool of course, but I’d rather see myself as a second
player in this little game of his, it made it a lot more fun—after
all, I was allowed some fun, right? I had made a pact, this was
alright. “I don’t really think it’s flattering since you get turned
on from fighting and killing people.” I commented before
pushing him to the side. It was too bold of a move, I knew it
the moment he grabbed my bicep and shoved me to the couch.
He did not speak at first and only looked down at me with a
growing smirk. I thought he was trying to share some sort of
message by doing so, so I did what I believed he was telling
me to do and unbuttoned my shirt. I suppose with time, I’d
understand I actually never understood what he meant, I only
wanted him, I wanted to show myself to him—but I didn’t
have that time right now.
He watched me take off my shirt then crouched in front of me
and parted my legs. I instinctively lifted myself a bit from the
couch and he let his head fall back as he let out a breathy
laugh before pulling my pants down and taking them off,
along with my shoes. “Look at that, mocking me over what I
get turned on by and there she is, ready to get fucked when
nothing has been said.” I instantly regretted my actions and
tried to get away but his hands weren’t leaving my thighs. He
pressed a kiss on my inner thigh, he then whispered, “But let’s
see what happened up until now that could have gotten you in
the mood, yeah?” I shook my head and tried to pry his head
away from me but all he did was say, “Hands off.” and I did
just that, “That’s my girl…” I couldn’t help but think in the
back of my head that he was doing it to keep up with his streak
of having something bad happen and fixing it with sex… But
it sounded so good to do it with him, to have his hands over
me, to be this close to him—so I let that thought go.
“I don’t think you enjoyed taking care of the mole, so it’s not
that…” He trailed off by licking my thigh up to my hip then
hooked his fingers to my underwear, “Walking to my place
isn’t it, but unless you had taken a liking to Masato, that’s not
it either.” He shook his head, faking an expression of someone
who was thinking but we both knew what was the point being
made. I didn’t want him to say it out loud, but he was getting
there. Still thinking, he rested the side of his head against my
thigh and hummed, his arrogant look locking with my
apprehensive one. I wanted to move his head away from how
cold his earring was and how his hair tickled, but I held back
and waited. “Right, could it be?” He took his phone from his
pocket and showed me his locked screen that was the picture I
had sent him, the one where ‘choke’ was written on my neck.
“I’d be hurt if you got turned on by that man choking you, I
hope that’s not it.” “It’s not it.” I quickly replied. He smiled
widely at that and and moved his hands to hold my waist tight,
“Love to hear that! You know what, if you’re so talkative, tell
me! Hm?”
His hands slid down to my hips, pushing down my underwear
in their wake. I did not stop him, instead I was thinking—was
this the plan he had for tonight? He wanted to invite me over
to have sex? Was there no errand, nothing? I couldn’t believe
it but I forced myself to, that way I could let myself enjoy his
touch. “Keepin’ it to yourself isn’t fun, I hate secrets.” That
last word managed to send a flashback of minutes ago, it
quickly got overshadowed by that memory of Hanma breaking
the man’s wrist and by the one of seeing him lift the body off
the ground with ease. “You know why, so why are you
asking?” I said under my breath.
“Because you need to be humbled down after mocking me
when you’re the one who gets turned on seeing your man kill
someone.” I was caught off guard hearing him say this with
such fervor; it wasn’t anger, but he wasn’t playful either. And
yet, there was a lightness in his tone. However, I did not focus
on that, of course not. I focused on his use of ‘your man’ to
refer to himself, something in my chest felt nice even after he
continued talking, “Don’t you think it’s funny? Hm?” He
pulled down my underwear roughly and even after ending up
in this situation many times already, I tried to cover up. He
only slapped my hand hard before I could even do anything.
“Because if you think of it,” He smiled condescendingly and
inserted two fingers inside me, then continued talking as I
tensed at the sensation, “And I’m sure you can do that, even
with my unhygienic hands inside you, yeah?” I nodded,
ignoring his reminder of my words of earlier. He continued,
“So if you think of it, that’d mean you got turned on when I
was beating Ran’s ass, or when I was beating up that dumb
pig.” He scoffed and started thrusting his fingers inside me,
curling them in the process and making me cover my mouth
when a moan escaped.
He was looking at me with pure elation now, his thumb joining
to rub my clit, “But let me ask you this,” he paused and asked
me to look at him instead of letting my head fall back. When I
did, he tsked and I moved my hand from my mouth, “Is my
girl into blood?” I replied like rapidfire, “That’s sick, that’s
fucked up—” I interrupted myself when he elated a groan of
pleasure from me and I couldn’t focus from how close I was
getting, “Right, cause we draw the line at blood, not violence
or,” He bit my thigh hard, just like he had that one time on my
couch. I let out a scream of pleasure and threaded my fingers
through his hair, “pain. Because blood is just, not ok, right?”
He laughed at me, shaking his head as he pulled out his fingers
and stood up. My eyes widened in shock; before I realized it,
my hand was wrapped around his wrist and I was looking at
him with lust, unspeaking. “What is it? Oh, you want me to
finish? No, no, I’m not gonna do that.” “Why—” as I spoke,
he put his two wet fingers in my mouth and told me to lick. I
couldn’t clench my jaw, but I looked at him with a frown
before twirling my tongue around his fingers, “Why? Cause if
you’re not honest with me, I can’t give you what you want,
babe.” He smiled like a bastard.
When he pulled back his hand, he looked at his fingers a
moment then back at him, “How ironic is it that you don’t
want them in your mouth after I killed a man, but it’s fine if it
was in your pussy seconds ago. Talk about standards.” He
scoffed then wiped his fingers on his pants; in awe at what he
had done, my mouth was agape and I was left speechless.
Slowly blinking, I watched him walk away to another room
and clicked my tongue over my teeth before putting my
underwear back on. Muttering under my breath, I tried to find
where my pants were but couldn’t spot them, “I should have
known it’d end up like this, who was I kidding but myself
thinking it’d go well? Of course there needed to be more
murder and less sex, right after I let go of whatever was
holding me back—and where did that bastard put my pants!” I
whispered angrily as I looked under the couch.
A catcall whistle, then he spoke.
“Stop the woman from cumming and she’s on her knees
showing her ass, guess I should do it more often.” I hurried to
my feet and was about to berate him when I noticed the things
he was holding. A variety of dresses ranging from colors and
textures, but the length seemed to be similar for most of them,
none were very short, and many reached the floor. “Put one
on, and pretty up.” He pulled my arm and draped them all on it
before getting his phone out and slumping on the couch, legs
spread as one arm was on the back of the couch. Confused, I
quirked a brow and asked, “And what’s supposed to be the
occasion?” I put the dresses on the low table and started
looking at them, they seemed to all be different sizes too.
“Well my plans for today weren’t to kill my doorman and
finger you,” He looked up from his phone and smirked, “I
know, surprising.” Then continued, “We’re going to the casino
to find a guy and have him listen to us, basically.” “And you
need me because?”
Sighing, he dropped his phone on a cushion and stood up, he
rapidly joined my side and held my face, “Because you’ll need
to talk business while we talk business.” “You want me to look
pretty and do small talk with strangers, while you’re
threatening a man to either do illegal shit or leave?” I asked,
not surprised but annoyed at the role he had given me—of
course I could shine in such a role. But if he only needed that,
he could simply not go through the small talk and threaten the
man right off the bat. “Exactly, and you’ll do a fine job. But
hey, if you don’t want me to threaten him, I’m sure he’ll
accept whatever we offer if you go out there without any of the
dresses I picked—” “You’re hilarious.” I said in a deadpan
expression, “I’ll go get changed.” With that, I was about to
take all the dresses with me on my way out but Hanma
stopped me by placing his hand on my arm.
“You didn’t think I brought those here for show, did you?” He
asked me in genuine confusion, but the smile on his face was
betraying his playfulness. I ran my hands over my face in
exhaustion at his attitude and sighed once more, “Meaning?”
Taking a step back, Hanma opened his arms wide and turned
on himself, “This is your fitting room, doll.” Then he stepped
back some more and connected his phone to the speakers, then
put on some music for the ambiance as he said, “I also need to
get changed anyway.” His tone dropped back to boredom and
he moved to the back of the couch where he had draped his
neatly ironed suit then took his shirt off. I turned around so my
back was to him, “Your definition of privacy is different from
mine, I think I’ll go get changed in the bathroom.” “Quit
acting shy already, I’ve seen your tits, you took my cock,” He
paused and I heard him walk up to me. Throwing him a
glance, I noticed he was already half-dressed with black slacks
and a white tank top tucked inside it, a black belt holding it all.
“So if you need help getting dressed, just ask, hm?”
His hands held me by the shoulders and turned me around to
look at him before pointing at the dresses, “Pick one, go
‘head.” “Enough, I’ll get dressed. I don’t need help.” “You
sure? If you’re in the mood to act dumb, I’ll play along.” He
grinned, but there was no fun in his tone. I pushed him away
gently and told him I’d get changed, he could go but he wasn’t
moving. Instead, he nodded at me, “Yeah, get changed.” He
then waited, his arms crossed over his chest.
Turning my tongue in my mouth, I ran it over my teeth and
grabbed the one dress that was my size and looked quite
beautiful. Unzipping it, I kept my eyes on him and stepped
inside; when I pulled it up to my waist, he tutted me, “Come
on, every woman knows you don’t wear underwear under
dresses like this. It’s not cute to see the panty line, right?”
“You’re being a real piece of shit right now, I don’t think I’ll
be able to handle it the entire night.” Was what I answered
before pulling it up and sliding my hand under the hem to take
off my underwear without him seeing it. “There, happy?” I
was prouder than he was this time, he was looking at me with
a certain hunger than made me feel small, even smaller when
he turned me around and placed one big hand on my back and
the other on the zipper, “Kinda would be happier if you’d have
stripped down, but we’ll get to that later tonight I guess.” He
sighed dramatically before removing my bra and dropping it
on the floor. I held the dress close to my chest when he did so
and told him off, but instead of apologizing he zipped the
dress up and rested his chin on my shoulder.
“Did you not like the help? Let me take it off again so you can
do it yourself.” I slapped his hand off as I turned around and
slipped on the off-the-shoulder sleeves, “I’m good, thank you.
Now you finish getting dressed.” With that, he walked behind
the couch and took a sort of harness that held from the back of
his neck to the front of his chest where it wrapped around it
fully, front and behind. I watched him tighten it so it hugged
his form and for a second I wanted to run my hand over it, but
held back by checking the shoes that were in boxes right next
to the couch. After rummaging for a moment, I picked the one
pair that fit the outfit and was about to put them on when he
finished tying his tie and knelt in front of me. He tapped his
knee and I hesitantly put my foot on it, “The Haitani scumbags
will be there, so stick by my side.” He said offhandedly as he
tied the strap of my shoe and asked for the other one, I
complied, “Mikey’ll be there, so behave I guess. But if you
wanna beat Ran’s ass, take whatever opportunity that presents
itself.” When he was done, he stood up and took a good look
over my form.
I did the same to him and spoke first, “You look handsome.
It’s a change from the striped suits—wait, your tie isn’t
straight, let me just…” Grabbing him by the tie, I pulled him
down to my height and straightened it; I hadn’t realized how
close his face was until I met his mischief-filled eyes. Slowly,
he leaned in, so I covered his mouth. Of course I wanted to
kiss him, but it was starting to hurt to kiss him when he wasn’t
reciprocating the feelings. His eyes widened and he grinned
behind my hand; pushing it away, he went for the side of my
face and grazed his lips down my jaw, “What, no good luck
kiss?” He whispered, his tongue trailing to the lobe of my ear
before continuing, “It’s a casino, I’ll need a lot of luck
babe…” My breath hitched but I did not reply, which is not
what he wanted. He wanted some entertainment, some fun, so
he bit my lobe hard—to match his stupid energy, I used my
tongue to get his dangly earring in my mouth and tugged it. He
stopped everything and if I heard right, he let out a surprised
sound—I took it as a win and grinned the way he would, “It’s
not like I’m allowed to leave your side,” I stepped back and
was about to take his hand, but stopped mid way; to cover for
it, I slapped my hand to my thighs awkwardly, “So, hm, ask
for when you need luck.”
With a nod, I took my wallet and phone from my work bag
and handed it to him, “Put this in your pocket, then we can
go.” He took it without complaining and we quickly left the
apartment to get to the car. Right before slamming the car door
shut on my side, he called my name; looking at him curiously,
I raised a brow, he leaned over and pressed a short kiss on my
lips, “You look very hot.” I was left speechless while he
walked around the car to get to the driver’s seat, I was
suddenly more aware of how I looked. Maybe I was getting in
my head, but it felt like the closest he would go to give a
straightforward compliment. My heart was beating like crazy
and as he started the car, I was thinking of how the night might
go. If everything went well, maybe it could be thought of as a
date?
Warmth covered my face, I looked out the window to focus on
something other than him and his compliment but he had to
add to it, “Maybe I won’t need luck, all those bastards will be
looking at you—you’ll be a great distraction.”
The sigh that escaped my lips was longer than usual.
Maybe it shouldn’t be considered as a date if I was considered
as a tool.
His hand placed itself on my thigh as he drove, but he wasn’t
looking at me. I looked at him a moment then back at his hand
before hesitantly placing mine on his without saying anything.
This man was so confusing, and yet I couldn’t help but play
along his stupid little games. Was I that desperate? When he
turned his hand over to hold mine, my heart jumped to my
throat and I tensed but did the same.
Whatever tonight brought, it couldn’t be bad, because I could
wrap myself in my delusional blanket for a whole night to
believe he liked me back. That’s all I wanted right now, how
bad could a night at the casino be? Drunk men? Money spent?
I could deal with that.
It’d be fine.
Chapter End Notes

Oouhhh, a new chapter. We’re starting the casino arc,

let’s go whores! Obviously Bonten next chapter, that’s
going to be pog. Hanma is… giving something… And
reader is :) fun to be around :) Thoughts? Did we have
fun? Would you also get turned upon seeing a man kill in
front of you? So many questions. Join me on Twitter
@PhysicalTurian and share your appreciation for Hanma
Added on 22th January 2022
Words : 10 446
 Chapter 15
Chapter Notes

TW : gambling
Huh… I have sources
https://www.rouletteonline.net/roulette-terms/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuePFYmplm0
https://www.casino.org/roulette/how-to-play/
See the end of the chapter for more notes

The car ride was silent. Except for the radio playing, not one
word had been spoken for almost half of the ride. Landscapes
were passing by at full speed, my eyes focusing on a tree, then
the other, then I’d look up at the cloud-covered sky and sigh. It
was rare for Hanma to stay silent for such a long time, so I
broke that silence by asking, “Is there anyone there that we
need to keep an eye out for?” I feared speaking would make
him let go of my hand, that it was an action that would only
hold on as long as we didn’t mention it, or didn’t talk at all—
but he didn’t let go and replied, “They’re all bastards, you
can’t trust nobody except me. But nothing’s stopping you from
starting shit if you want.” He shrugged, throwing me a side
glance to gauge my reaction. I was too focused on looking at
his hand to notice it, it was only when I looked up that I met
his gaze and felt my cheeks flush. When I tried to pull my
hand away in embarrassment, he stopped me and brought it
back to his lap, smirking, “What? I can finger you but I can’t
hold your hand?” Even if he seemed confident and he was
playing it off as teasing, hurt was also written in his eyes,
although fairly well hidden.
“I didn’t say that.” “Yeah, then why did you let go, doll?” I
couldn’t believe this was happening, it felt like a couple’s
quarrel and it also didn’t make sense. Was I not the one who
had been reading too much into all of his actions, was I not the
one who had been reaching for whatever I wanted for this to
be? As he let go of my hand and placed his back on the wheel,
he focused back on the road with a straight face, now angry. I
reached out for his hand and held it tight between mine, “I
don’t know what the fuck is happening but I’m going to need
you to stop acting like that—no, you know what? You’re not
allowed to act like that because—” Cutting me off, he pulled
the car to the side and my heart jumped to my throat. I
suddenly regretted speaking those words with such
confidence. When the car was stopped, Hanma fully turned
towards me and forced his hand out of mine, “I’m not allowed
to act like what, doll? What’s going on that you don’t like?
Are you saying we can fuck but I can’t touch you? That’s not
what was going on earlier—” “Quit putting words in my
mouth that I didn’t say! I didn’t say any of those things!” I
raised my tone.
With a quirked eyebrow, he leaned forward, his right arm
resting on the back of my seat as his face got closer to mine,
his eyes darting to my lips a short moment before the man
turned around and started the car again. Before he could do
anything, I turned the power off and grabbed him by the jaw,
forcing him to look at me, “I hate mixed signals! And you’re
giving nothing but that, so set your damn priorities straight. I
don’t know about you but I know what I want.”
“Isn’t it to get dicked down? That’s the message I’ve been
receiving from you, doll.” He replied with ease, that cockiness
was back but had no place to be in this situation. It ticked me
off so much, I didn’t even see the anger rise. When he didn’t
make me let go of his jaw, my grip only tightened on it. “Are
you for fucking real? Are you—I can’t believe this.” Letting
go of him, I ran my hands through my hair and looked at him
again, “It’s not the time for this, but if you want to do this now,
sure. Why not? Since you want to act blind.” With a deep sigh,
I met his surprised gaze that quickly turned into one lacking
any emotion. Of course it was safer to go expressionless than
letting me know what was going on in his head. “One word.
No, many words: photo booth, Halloween, I’m not listing all
of it actually, I just—” With a grunt of frustration, I clasped
my hands on his cheeks and forced him to keep his eyes on
mine, “I wanted to kiss you in the photo booth and you made
fun of me, I don’t think that was a getting dicked down
message.”
“Nah, but the others—” He tried to interrupt, but I interrupted
him, “I’m talking! That’s why I tried to fuck around with the
cop, and then you got shot, right? You remember that, hm? I
mean, how could you forget…” Hanma grinned, “Yeah, you
sucked me off just as I woke up.”
Squishing his face between my palms, I gritted through my
teeth, “Shut up! Shut up, god shut the fuck up! For once? I get
it, that game of yours, trying to condition me and shit, but
don’t you get it? You’re not stupid! Or maybe you’re acting
like that on purpose cause you’re a piece of shit.” That must
have been a bit too far since he held both of my hands and
pried them off his face, his look losing its humor as he said,
“Careful there, we’re getting off the rails babe.”
“There!” I exclaimed, pulling my hands from his, “Mixed
signals! ‘Doll’ is the condescending little gang bastard I know
and ‘babe’ feels like you care and that—you must understand
it makes me believe you like me? And it hurts? Because I want
to believe it so much, and you keep calling me babe, and
sometimes you don’t even,” I had to look away because his
eyes were void of anything, he couldn’t care less, that’s what
was going on. But I was on a roll, I might as well come clean
right before that event of his in case he wanted to keep acting
like an asshole. “Sometimes you kiss me the way I had hoped
you’d have kissed me in that stupid photo booth, then I
remember: he’s acting. He’s using you, you’re exactly what he
says you are, a doll, a puppet, because you could do anything
to me and I’d thank you at this point.” I paused and finally
said, “Isn’t that deranged of me to still stay and hope?”
A silence engulfed us. I didn’t dare look at him. I didn’t know
what took over me, perhaps it was that faux semblance of
intimacy we had that pushed me to act out, to lash out like that
at him. Maybe I had had enough of his games and couldn’t
take it anymore—of course that was a lie. I would stay,
because as long as he’d have me, I wouldn’t leave—I couldn’t
leave, not when I kept being pulled towards him for no reason.
How could I resist that invisible thread that tied us? Weren’t
our fates linked? If I fucked up he’d be to blame, and vice-
versa, so I couldn’t leave. I had to prove him, to prove Bonten,
I was useful. I let out a dry laugh.
Finally, the silence was broken,
“Don’t I kiss you?” He asked.
I didn’t reply.
“Don’t I treat you right?” He asked again.
He gave a lot, but it was all for his little enjoyment, wasn’t it?
“Didn’t I make it obvious that you’re mine?” Why did he
sound angry this time?
With a glance his way, I raised a brow, “Like a toy, a doll. You
said it yourself, you want to use me until I break, that’s all
there is to it, isn’t it? You own me and that’s it? I’m your little
pet project, let me laugh.” I scoffed, but he cut me off rapidly,
his mouth on mine hungrily, his nose crushed against mine as
he kissed me with fervor. His big hands were clasped on my
cheeks, pulling me close to him. When he pulled back, he
breathed out, “Was this one to your fucking liking? How else
should I kiss you? Wait, don’t tell me—it has to be at the
photo booth, yeah? Want me to drive there, to relive your
fantasy? Does that suit your highness’ needs?”
I didn’t know what to say, so I hesitantly pecked his lips
without ever looking away, “I want to believe you.” I
whispered, tears prickling in the corners of my eyes. He
seemed hurt, which hurt me to see, but he only moved so he
could slide his seat back enough to pat his thigh and beckon
me to sit there. With hesitance, I did so and he groaned,
“You’re so much fucking work!” Then he started kissing my
neck, however the kissing turned into licking, then I could feel
him trying to leave hickeys, so I pushed his head back,
“What’s going on, Shuji? What are you doing, I am confused.”
I was already barely holding back my tears of frustration, but
when he helped me off him as quickly as I got on him, I
covered my mouth and he said, “Don’t start, you know I don’t
wanna get turned on.” He grumbled while quickly wiping my
tears away. As he did, I gripped his wrist and uttered, “So you
do like seeing me get hurt.” “Fucking shit, don’t you get it?”
His eyes traveled up and down my body, “Brain and dick are
connected, yeah? I see you cry, I easily think it’s my dick
doing that, it gets me hard. D’ya wanna know why I do that?”
“Enlighten me. Tell me about your logic, because I am at loss,
Shuji.” That glimpse of emotion flashed by in his eyes for a
second, then he was back to his manic self. He was fast to pull
his seat back and lean in to kiss me once, “If I didn’t do that,
Bonten wouldn’t exist.” He stated, making me even more
confused. “I wanna kill off any piece of shit that makes my
girl sad,” Another kiss, “Anyone that hurts my girl—and those
assholes?” This time a longer kiss, I felt his tongue intrude my
mouth only seconds before he spoke again, “They seem to
wanna do that a lot, you know, with bringing you back to me
all botched up and whatnot.” He sighed and looked down at
me for a moment then he leaned back and let his head hit the
back of the seat. “In other words, you care?” I asked, my heart
speeding up in my ribcage as my face heated up. He was
beating around the bush, and it felt like the man had never
been in a situation like this one, ever, in his entire life. I
wanted to hear him tell me he wanted me, more that just
sexually, but I feared he would never—
“Yeah, that.”
My heart stopped.
The car started.
We were back on the road only seconds after, people honking
at us from how rapidly Hanma had gotten on the road. I was
still staring at him, in awe.
He threw me a few glances but didn’t say anything; he didn’t
do anything either, he only looked back at the road after each
glance.
So I sat back properly once I got over my shock and waited
until we arrived at our destination in utter silence. I had a little
plan in my head that I hoped would take us somewhere but
Hanma was still sort of a mystery to me so I couldn’t guess
how it would turn out. I didn’t have to wait long to find out
because when we arrived at the casino, I opened the car door
before Hanma could do it. He still grabbed my forearm to get
me out of it, a bit too abruptly if I may add. Before he could let
go, I moved my hand to hold his and nudged him by stepping
closer. This part of me that had been craving for this moment
so desperately—the stupid one that all this time had wanted to
see him as more than the man that had brought me into this
dangerous world—wanted to tell him this was a date. Making
it official would make it so much more real than how it
actually was but it’d also feel wrong, even more so when deep
down I still believed he could be playing with me.
This doubt was small, oh so small, and it was being crushed
more and more as time went by, but it was still very present in
the pit of my stomach. However, I managed to ignore it, it
wasn’t hard with Hanma letting go of my hand to slide his to
my waist. The action sent shivers down my spine at the
softness of his graze, of how his thumb brushed gently the
fabric on my lower back to finally stop on my hip and pull me
closer, his face close to mine as we walked in and he said,
“I’m glad we changed that little mind of yours.” His words
confused me greatly so instead of looking ahead, I looked up
at him and felt my throat constrict in sudden self-
consciousness from how he was looking at me. If I could trust
these feelings in my chest, if I could trust my mind to still be
unbiased in such a situation, then I could say he was looking at
me enamored. But it also looked like pure thrill to him, he was
grinning widely and yet his eyes were telling a different story.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Nodding ahead, he told me, “Later.” then gestured at the table
in front of us, where most of the people I had met sporadically
these past few weeks were sitting. Noticing Mikey sitting at
the end of the table with Sanzu on his right and Koko on his
left, there was some relief to see the latter white-haired man
but that feeling was drowned at the realization that the head of
the organization was there. I must have tensed at the sight
since I felt Hanma squeeze my side, “Don’t act shy now,
they’re not gonna do shit.” I hadn’t realized what I was doing
until he used his free hand to tilt my head up, “Chin up, you
look weak.” He stated. Those simple words made me realize
that after what had just happened in the car, I had let my walls
down even for just a moment, and had felt comfortable enough
around Hanma to rely on him—more than just for a fight. Him
saying I looked weak helped me bring that wall back up in an
instant, I straightened my back and raised my chin to look as
confident as I could, to show I was allowed to be here, I
deserved to sit at their table. That I was anything but weak.
Right before we reached the table, Hanma pressed his lips
against my head and said, “Good girl, just like that. But now I
wanna fuck that attitude out of you, the shit you do babe.”
Then, as if he hadn’t just spit something that made me want to
push him to the side to fuck him, he stopped at the table and
placed his hand in the back of an empty chair, gripping it tight
as he glanced around. As I stood next to him, I saw Shiho right
on my left and she took my hand to whisper, “You look so
gorgeous!” I smiled sweetly and was about to tell her she
looked just as beautiful when Hanma grabbed the man sitting
on the right by the empty chair, “Right, you’re out Mocchi, I
need my girl sitting next to me.” “Then you should have
gotten here in time, tell her to wait outside. It’s not like she’d
be useful.” With pride, the man named Mocchi gulped down
the rest of his drink as the hubbub around the table slowly died
down. All eyes were on us, or more specifically Hanma,
whose smile had fallen and had let go of the chair.
A tension was rising without any words being exchanged.
Maybe it’s that silence that pushed me to talk; I leaned over
slightly to look at the man with the weird eyebrows and let out
a chuckle, “Do you fear a woman would be more useful than a
drunkard like you? Do you fear losing your seat to someone
like me? Or is it simply that you’ve so rarely interacted with
women that you forgot how to treat them?” His mouth opened
wide. I heard some snorts on the side and couldn’t help but
glance at the sound—Koko was leaning on his hand as it hid
his mouth while resting his elbow on the table. Next to him,
Kakucho was smiling and holding back a laugh while Ran was
looking right back at me with a smirk. I looked away from him
and saw his brother leaning back on his chair as he let out a
barked laugh. The scarred man on the other end of the table, I
had forgotten his name, did not seem to find it fun and held a
serious, almost worried face. When no one said anything once
again, I almost apologized but instead Hanma acted and
gripped the man at the back of his head to slam it in the table,
“The lady asked a fucking question.” He then leaned over, his
lips close to Mocchi’s ear, “Not that any answer you’d give
could save you, you fucking—”
“Enough, Reaper, let him go.” The soft spoken, dead voice
said. Rapidly, I turned towards where it came from and looked
at Mikey in fear he’d do something bad—I had never seen him
do anything, but his reputation in the news was enough to have
me fear him the most out of all the people sitting at the table.
Hanma let go of the man but pulled his chair on the way too,
“Mocchi, get up. You’ve done enough.” “Hey! I didn’t do shit
boss, did you hear how she talked to me?!” From Mikey’s
expression, Mocchi should have kept his mouth shut and he
was told so in a way when Koko freed his mouth and called
him out, “Sounds to me you’re mad because she’s right.”
Everyone around the table, except for Mocchi and Mikey,
laughed. My face was heating up by the second, which was the
price I had to pay for having talked like this, but they weren’t
letting it go at all. “Yeah, did you ever get laid, Mocchi? Did
you want her to sit on your lap or something?” Rindou asked,
intrigued, but clearly messing around with the man that pushed
his chair back with so much force it almost fell to the floor.
“Shut your fucking mouth, Haitani bastard.”
The urge to fight was probably strong for the larger man, but
he only walked past us angrily to stand by Mikey who
beckoned him closer to whisper something. As they exchanged
words, Hanma gestured for me to sit to his right, Shiho was on
his left. I barely had time to sit before he pulled my chair as
close to him as possible, his hand resting on my thigh. Since
he was not looking my way, I did not pay it any mind and
looked around, observing everyone’s outfits since I could
finally relax. None had anything much going on except for
Shiho who was wearing a short dress along with some jewelry
that could let one believe it was a leash. When Sanzu pulled
her by said jewelry, I understood it was indeed what I thought
it was. Why did part of me feel jealous over such a display?
Did I want Hanma to be possessive with me too, or was I just
that desperate for intimacy that I was ready to take anything
he’d give me? Shaking my thoughts away, I looked back at the
table.
When I saw the open wine bottle on the table, I reached for it
only to have my hand taken by the man sitting diagonally
across from me. Ran. He had stood up and was leaning over
enough to bring the back of my hand to his lips and kiss it. I
pulled away from him quickly, clicking my tongue over my
teeth. “Are you done?” I huffed, sitting back down with my
arms crossed over my chest. The purple-haired man smirked
and poured some wine in my glass, sliding it over the table to
me, “You’re welcome.”
With more incredulousness, I scoffed, “I’m not stupid enough
to drink something you poured.”
Hanma wasn’t sharing my opinion—instead, he grabbed the
glass and raised the glass to Ran, “I am, thanks for this,
waiter.” He cheered before taking a sip and putting the glass
down. I observed him in surprise but only for a few seconds
before he brought his lips to mine, forcing my mouth open to
let the wine pour into it, some spilling down my chin in the
process. In shock and self-awareness, I pushed him away to
wipe my chin and look around quickly to see if anyone had
seen. Mikey was still talking with Mocchi, with Sanzu now
participating in the conversation and Shiho busying herself on
her phone. I could barely see her with Hanma’s form blocking
her. Koko had seen, I knew it from the roll of eyes he gave me
when our eyes met before returning to his conversation with
Kakucho. The two brothers were of course watching, with
Rindou grinning and Ran clenching his jaw. I did not know
what to say, an apology was useless and wouldn’t have been
heartfelt, but also talking about would have been more than
awkward.
A thing Hanma and I seemed to disagree on since he rested his
elbows on the table and looked at Ran with a manic grin,
“What? Jealous? Ya know, I’m sure Mocchi could find a
position for you in his celibate club, want me to ask?”
When Ran stood up, ready to fight, Hanma mirrored it; both
were smiling with anything but happiness or warmth, they
wanted to rip each other’s throat out. “Keep a close watch on
your girl. Seeing how miserable she looks, I might have my
fair share of fun with her before she kills herself from being
around you.” “Miserable? Have you ever complimented
anyone in your life, Ran?” I asked, confused as I crossed my
legs under the table and observed the two men. From an
outside point of view I probably looked confident, but inside I
wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out of it, not after all
that had happened already. If I could take anything from those
past minutes, it was that Hanma was a lot on the defensive
today and I had yet to decide if I enjoyed it or if I feared how
far he would go if anything happened. After a pause of a few
seconds, I added, “Or have you considered that you were the
miserable one? How many more rejections do you need to
understand that I’d rather—” I stopped myself from continuing
the sentence the moment it came out and looked at Hanma in
panic. I was going to go on with my usual habit of telling
Hanma off in the process, say that I’d rather fuck him as if it
was bad but now it wasn’t so bad…I wanted that, and I didn’t
want to hurt him.
Locking my eyes to his, I tried to make him understand I did
not want to continue and he seemed to have understood,
surprisingly. At least for now…
“Shit Ran, your face got the woman gagging from how shitty
you look! Well played!” “You’re done, all of you.” Mikey
interrupted, installing order. As he did so, he added that the
meeting was about to start and everyone stood up. Unsure, I
did the same and mirrored everyone’s bow. I was surprised
when even Hanma did so and nudged him, “Look at you
submitting, isn’t that a sight?” I whispered jokingly. A certain
confidence had started building in the pit of my stomach after
our discussion in the car and I wasn’t sure it was safe to have
it, but I still used that new found confidence to tease him. He
glanced at me, still bowing and waited until Mikey told us we
could sit to look at me. He spread his arm to rest it on the back
of my chair as he leaned in, “You know I’m not a patient
man,” His fingers grazed over my sleeve and toyed with it
delicately, his lips now grazing my ear, “And with you dressed
like this? Don’t mind if I fuck you right here for all of them to
watch.” I felt his nose bump against my cheek suddenly before
hearing him swear under his breath as he looked to his left.
Following his gaze, we could see Sanzu’s extended arm. He
had slapped the back of Hanma’s head, making him bump into
my face. “Mikey’s fucking talking, keep your trap shut,
Reaper.”
Hanma clicked his tongue against his teeth, annoyed, then hid
it by smiling broadly, “I’d hit you back, but that’d be animal
abuse since you’re Mikey’s bitch.” “You piece of shit!” Sanzu
was about to stand up to fight when Mikey raised his tone and
ordered quiet once more before explaining the plan. Most
people had the freedom to do whatever they wanted, like it
was an ordinary night out—although we’d all have to keep an
eye out—but some were given clear orders. Looking around, I
only now realized Kazutora wasn’t there, which seemed odd
since I had seen him at the warehouse and after the incident
with Shuusuke, meaning he was trusted, right? So why wasn’t
he here?
There was no time to ponder more about the absence of the
tiger-tattooed man when my focus was brought to something
else. Discreetly stealing glances at Hanma, I tried to have him
stop whatever he was doing, but after a few times, he looked at
me and quirked a brow. “Want a picture or something? Didn’t
know you wanted attention that bad.” “What are you doing?” I
asked in a hushed whisper, pushing his thigh to have him stop.
When the action happening under the table didn’t stop, and I
could still feel something brushing against my shin, I realized
it wasn’t Hanma. “Someone’s playing footsie under the table, I
thought it was you!” I uttered with more urgency as I pulled
my foot back and looked at the people sitting across from me.
None were looking at me, but I was convinced it was Ran who
was being a piece of shit. Hanma reacted instantly and turned
my chair rapidly to have my legs over his lap as he reached
under the table to grab the foot. When he pulled, Ran slid
down his seat and sat back up just as fast, a seething
expression on his face. “Do you need a goddamn babysitter to
keep you in check? Next time you try something, I cut your
fucking feet off and force you to walk on your stubs.” Hanma
spat with the most neutral expression on his face. He then
turned it into a mocking one as he ghosted his lips over mine,
“But hey, if you’re that desperate to get her, just ask nicely and
we’ll see if she wants you. Spoilers though, she wants me.”
Ran scoffed, “No one would choose you ever, unless you
blackmailed her. Maybe let her out of your sight once and
we’ll see what she’ll do.” “She’ll make a joke out of you,
that’s what she’ll do—not that it’s hard. Look at you!” Hanma
laughed, but no one else was laughing around us. Even Hanma
wasn’t having fun, he was slowly getting more and more
angry, but it wasn’t hard to guess. I felt like a deer caught in
the headlights and while Hanma seemed more than confident
in his display of affection at a table full of people that could
kill me and didn’t value me much—I did not. Prying my legs
off of his, I sat back properly and met Ran’s eyes, “If he
doesn’t cut off your feet, I’ll put bullets in both your hands
next time you as much as graze my body, understood?” I asked
in all seriousness, my elbows resting on the table with my chin
propped on the back of my hands. Rindou whistled next to his
brother, then slapped the latter’s back, grinning widely. “Do
you need more hints or is that enough?” Before they could
divert to more bantering, Sanzu stood up and pointed at all of
us with his gun, “Shut your fucking mouth now, Mikey ain’t
done talking!”
The three men that had been talking until now chuckled but
did just that, shut their mouth. Clearly it did not mean to keep
their hands to themselves since Hanma let his hand fall to my
thigh and held it tight there without even paying attention to
shit. Instead, he was having a staring contest with Ran, almost
taunting him by moving his hands higher and higher up my
thigh as he brought his lighter to the cigarette that was resting
on his pretty lips. He then lazily puffed out some smoke with a
smirk. He was enjoying whatever Ran had going on in his
head, and if I feared what the Haitani brother would do, it was
also thrilling to be flaunted as such in Hanma’s arms—a
thought I never thought would cross my mind until now.
After more explanations that did not require me to retain
information, Mikey called out some names, “Takeomi,
Kakucho, I’ll need you to have a talk with the croupiers. They
don’t look familiar and we need to make sure they understand
how things work with Bonten.” Nodding, they both stood up
with Takeomi standing by Kakucho’s side, “If they’re bad
news?” The man with the scar asked, at this point the rest of
the people around the table weren’t paying attention but I was
intrigued and listened closely. Next to me, Hanma was
finishing his cigarette. And as much as I wanted to be
enthralled in how beautiful he looked, I forced myself to look
back at the people conversing in front of us. Mikey’s eyes met
mine before diverting to the person next to me, “Take the
Reaper with you. If they’re bad news, you take care of them.
It’s that simple.” The boss stated before drawing his attention
back to Koko and Sanzu; the two men that were assigned a
task were already leaving, not waiting for Hanma to follow
them. He let go of his cigarette, dropping it in the now half-
empty glass of wine. He then pressed a short kiss on my lips,
puffing out the smoke of the drag he had just taken, making
me cough as I pushed him away. “Give them hell, I’ll be right
back babe.” He added as he stood up and slid his hand over
my shoulders on his way out.
The moment he was gone, any comfort I had was drained out
of my body. I was in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by
people I didn’t specifically like, amongst them one I had
almost started a fight with and one that had, on many
occasions, tried to get his way with me.
Anxiety was present while Hanma wasn’t.
Nothing was going well.
“Hey, hey! The serious shit is finally over, we can finally have
fun.” I heard a more delicate voice say. Glancing to my left,
Shiho had moved to Hanma’s spot and was now holding my
forearm tightly as she rested her head against my shoulder, “I
missed you! I really thought you wouldn’t come, we can
finally have another girl’s night out.” “Not like the first one
was a success.” I scoffed as I went to grab the bottle of wine,
only to have Ran take it out of my reach. I didn’t even react,
but I did notice how he had moved to his brother’s chair while
his brother was now next to me where Takeomi used to sit at
the end of the table. “I had fun, didn’t you? I mean, if we
didn’t have the fun Halloween party, we wouldn’t be here
together!” She exclaimed before wrapping an arm around my
shoulders and pulling me closer to her. As much as she was
happy to be here, it broke me to know I was the reason she had
joined this life of crime, one that will not treat her kindly as
time went on. But if she found joy in it, I could only support
her or else this friendship wouldn’t last. With a chuckle, I
wrapped my arms back around her, “I hope you’re good at
gambling because I never found time to hone this skill in all
my years of living.” I said playfully.
“I mean, what’s out there that our charisma can’t be used
against?” She asked—I went to grab the bottle again but this
time Rindou took it, smiling broadly at me. Once more I
looked away from them, this time more annoyed, and back at
Shiho, “I suppose we could make them all lose their focus if
we tried…” “With their thinking being done by their dicks,
yeah they’ll lose focus.” Rindou said, almost sprawled on the
table as he leaned closer to listen to our conversation. Tilting
myself back towards Shiho, I looked at him with a raised brow
when his eyes traveled down our bodies. “Great input, thank
you.” I scoffed, glancing at Ran’s now empty seat. Rindou
must have caught me because he grabbed my wrist tightly,
only for Shiho to grab his hand and claw it off of me. “Hands
off, we’re talking!” She said, placing her arm in front of me
protectively. Rindou laughed and raised both hands in defense,
smirking, “My bad, didn’t want to steal your kitten, mama—I
only wanted to suggest a fun game to fuck around with Ran.”
“If the game is both of you going away, I’m in.” I was dead
serious, and so was Shiho when she added, “Russian roulette,
but just the both of you! That’s a fun game, right?” I couldn’t
help the scoff that escaped my nose; it was brutal, but seeing
how Rindou’s face lit up in surprise had been worth it. He
covered his smile with his gloved hand and looked to the side
a moment before looking back at us, “Bit harsh, but I’ll take
it.” Thinking he was done, I faced Shiho again only to have
Rindou speak once more, “Since you were crazy enough to try
to corrupt a cop,” He started, effectively catching my attention
by making me wonder how he knew that, then I remembered
how little Hanma cared for privacy. Slowly turning around
once more, I met his eyes without saying anything, he
continued, “I say you flirt with me in front of my brother, get
him mad.” He seemed confident in his plan, and I wanted to
tell him off, but two things held me back from doing so. One,
Shiho seemed to like the idea and was whispering to me that I
should do it, that it’d be fun, and she was right. Second,
Hanma had told me to give them hell. What better way to do
so than to make fun of Ran? Although a few more drinks were
needed to feel any sort of ease around those two men.
Sighing, I grabbed the wine bottle—with Ran away, I could
finally take it—and poured myself a glass that I downed in one
go before pouring another one. “You do look like the saner
brother, so sure.” I believed I heard someone laugh right after
those words left my mouth, but when I looked towards the
men at the end of the table, they were all in a heated
conversation. Dubious, I ignored them and looked back at
Rindou with a half-unconvinced smile, “Where’s your
brother? If he’s not back in—oh, there he is.” I muttered as he
walked back to the table, a glass in hand that he put down but
still held lazily from the top while he looked at me, smiling.
“Bedroom eyes already? Want some whiskey? Just ask and we
can reenact your little show with the Reaper bastard.” He
cooed, leaning over as he took a sip from his drink, his eyes
never leaving mine.
Smirking, I tilted my head to the side towards Rindou, he did
the same. “What’s in your drink?” I asked the younger brother,
noticing Ran’s fingers gripping his drink tighter then letting go
and resting his back against the chair in sudden confidence. It
was an odd reaction, but there was nothing much that could
surprise me with this man anymore. “Gin and tonic, want a
taste?” Rindou asked in a sultry tone. Without looking away
from Ran, I smirked, “Yeah.”
The man with the mullet caught me off guard when he forced
me to look at him. He removed his glove and dipped his thumb
in his drink then brushed it against my lips. My first reaction
was to look around for Hanma; when I caught him
manhandling someone, his head turned towards me and he
smirked. With a raise of his chin like a nod, he told me to go
on—it had all happened in the span of a few seconds, and with
his permission, I licked my lips and looked back at Rindou.
“Couldn’t taste much.” I shrugged, bored. I could hear Shiho
almost squeal in excitement as she held onto my arm,
thoroughly invested even if she’d sometimes lean back to tell
Sanzu something. I was not liking this one bit, but at the same
time, I wondered how angry it’d make Ran and above
anything, how proud Hanma would be to see that man
humiliated. So I played along some more. Rindou let his lips
graze my ear and I couldn’t help the shiver of discomfort that
ran down my spine. I wanted to flee, but instead I stood my
ground, unmoving. “Want a reenactment or d’you want me to
get creative?”
I had to hold back from letting out a sound of disgust, “Get
creative, I trust you know about that, unlike your brother,” I
threw a side glance at Ran, “…who’s been using the same
lame methods over and over. No wonder he’s single.” I
finished, still fighting the urge to push the man that was way
too close for my liking. That same man hummed before
wrapping his hand delicately around my neck, not choking it,
and using his thumb to tilt it back. When I tried to silently
struggle against his action, he tutted me condescendingly,
“Play along, wouldn’t be new for you to whore yourself out,
right?” I was about to tell him off when he poured some of his
drink in my mouth. If I tried to speak right now, I’d choke on
it, which at this point I didn’t care about since his little game
was not as nice as he made me believe it’d be. His brother
seemed more than happy to see this scene happening in front
of him, and Rindou had spat words I did not expect from him.
I had been stupid enough to forget about our errand together.
He had been more than happy at that time to act like a teenager
in heat with his brother when talking about my sex life. Why
was I acting surprised that he would say things like this?
Frowning, I swallowed the liquid and held his gaze with mine,
“And yet you don’t get to hit it, how much of a whore am I
really?” I whispered, but Ran was paying enough attention to
hear, that’s why he laughed from where he was—glad I could
entertain. Rindou barely had time to tighten his hand on my
throat that Shiho moved in to grip his hand and pry it away
from my body. “Heard you own brothels, Haitanis—if you
want to get your dick wet, go there, but your stupid ‘make my
brother jealous’ game is over.” She stated before sitting back
properly, her chin now resting on my shoulder. The woman
was not hiding at all, if anything she was doing her best to
give me the reassurance she believed I needed, but I was fired
up now. Even more so when Ran looked at his brother, “That’s
what you told her this was?” The man with the short hair
asked in pure astonishment and pride, that stupid smile fully
back on his face as he took another sip of his drink.
Rindou reached to fist bump his brother then laughed loudly,
“She believed it! ‘said it’d make you mad, girl was into it right
off the bat.” He laughed again, downing the rest of his drink.
Ran replied just as fast, but not to his brother, instead he
locked his gaze with mine, “What? Want to make me mad?
Want to make me feel things? There’s an easy way, you
know.” He made me understand without really much trying,
but instead of replying, I helped Shiho’s head off my shoulder
and looked back at her to drown the embarrassment that came
from those two brothers working together to fuck around.
“Shi, we’re at a casino. Might as well go have some fun, are
you in?” I gritted through my teeth, trying to calm myself
down. When she nodded, I told her I needed a drink and she
quickly put her hand between us, telling me to wait. Moving
back to Sanzu, they talked a bit and while that happened, the
two brothers took it as their time to shine.
“What? Leaving? Are you sure? Didn’t think the show was
over yet, you were ready to be a whore to mess with me, yeah?
You messed around, now be a whore for fun!” Ran exclaimed,
slamming his hands on the table as he stood up. I was startled,
but kept my eyes looking straight ahead instead of looking at
him. If I answered, he’d think this was a conversation, but I
didn’t want to talk to him at all. “Nah, he’s onto something
here, you teased him! Right, maybe you’re not a whore yet,
but definitely a tease, right Ran?” “Oh, for sure, for sure. She
did take that picture, that was asking for attention.” I took it as
my cue to leave, so I stood up, the chair silent on the carpeted
black and red floor. It was pointless to get mad, they were
trying to get a rise out of me, I knew it. Keeping my
composure showed that I was above them. That one of us was
mature. So all I had to do was walk away and wait for Shiho to
join me once she was done.
Taking a deep breath in, I walked behind Rindou’s chair, arms
crossed over my chest—which he grabbed as he pulled me
towards the spot between him and his brother. “Ran wasn’t
done.” I barely had time to think before I pulled back and with
my free hand yanked his chair to tip him backwards, falling on
the ground. Ran was about to reach for me when he stopped
mid way to laugh while I was bent over, since Rindou hadn’t
let go of me. Forcing his hand off of my arm, I straightened
my back and without hesitation stomped his dick with the sole
of my shoe—call it mercy for I did not use my heel. “Will you
shut the fuck up?” I asked rhetorically, but that didn’t sit with
them. Rindou grunted under me but didn’t fight back, he only
grinned; his brother however stood up from his seat and placed
a hand on my shoulder, “Nah, cause we’re not done.”
“Oh but I am, I don’t care how big you are,” I pushed his hand
off my shoulder, “If you touch me again, I’ll want you dead.”
My heart was beating fast, I was making threats I could not
hold onto and I knew from the few things I had seen on TV
that those men were not to be messed with—but I had pride. A
pride that only one man was allowed to trample on, and that
man wasn’t him. Looking at me dead in the eyes, he lowered
his head to my level and grinned, “I’ll take my chances.” He
said before lifting my chin with the tips of his fingers.
The moment I saw his drink on the side, I reached for it and
did what I was convinced was the smartest move. The moment
I felt his finger graze my skin, I smashed the glass against his
head. I didn’t care if it was still half filled, I didn’t care if I
was making a mess, I wanted him to understand he had to stop
acting like he had any rights over me. He hissed and wobbled
back, blood dripping from the side of face as the hand that was
on my chin moved to check the bleeding wound. When he
looked down at his red-coated fingers, he smiled at me.
“Okay? I’m still standing, didn’t you say you were gonna kill
me?” He moved to grab something from the table, I flinched
but stood my ground—then saw he was placing another glass
in my hand, smiling mockingly. “Do it again!”
I wouldn’t play into this, usually.
But he had built such a frustration inside me.
He was testing me.
Trying to prove I wouldn’t do it.
But I gripped the glass tight and as he was about to proudly
tell me I couldn’t do it,
I smashed it on the other side of his head.
“Give me more to work with here, want me to use the wine
bottle next time? I can get creative, promise.” I cooed, lifting
his chin when he looked down, hissing in pain but still
grinning. “Keep calling women who don’t want you whores
and you’ll realize that paying people to fuck you is the only
way for you to get laid. It’s not bad, don’t be ashamed.”
Pausing a short moment, I watched as Ran ran his tongue over
his lips, getting the blood off of them. He looked pitiful, but I
knew he could take more, that’s what scared me. Yet, I
continued, “But even if you paid me, I wouldn’t fuck you, is
what I’m saying. Do you get me?”
Letting go of him when he didn’t answer right away, I stepped
on the broken glass to leave and barely two steps away, he
grabbed my arm and forced his lips on mine. I pushed him
away and was about to kick him in the stomach when he
grabbed my leg and trailed his hand up as I tried to cover
myself, “You not wanting it gives it so much flavour, I love
this game we have!” I gripped his jaw tight and dug my nails
with force, “Rot in a ditch, you scumbag!” His grip on my leg
wasn’t lessening, I was struggling to find some balance but
couldn’t lean on him. When I was about to fall, I felt two arms
grab me from behind and in fear it was Rindou, I was ready to
elbow the person only to hear Shiho’s soft voice. “I’ve got you
babe—and you utter piece of trash, on fucking god the
moment I have you on your own, you’re dead.” Shiho stopped
herself from continuing when Ran was punched in the face
with so much strength he stumbled back on the table and had
to hold onto it for balance.
“Out of my sight, go get your shit together and take your
brother with you.” Mikey said as he gripped Rindou’s collar
and lifted him off the ground to yank him out of his sight. The
delicate hands of Shiho left my arms as she stepped back and
made herself a lot smaller than usual. She was outspoken most
times I encountered her, which is why seeing her like this
caught me off guard. When Mikey was there, Sanzu was not
far behind, right now he was escorting the brothers somewhere
with his sword right by his side—something I was confused by
but did not have time to ponder about when the man in front of
me took my hand a bit brusquely. “They’ll be taught respect
later, Bonten doesn’t—” “Usually fight women? I hardly think
that’s true.” I interrupted him with a short laugh, one he did
not return. All he gave me was an inspection of my hands
before finishing, “Why should we discriminate among the
guilty? What I meant to say was that I will not tolerate
disrespect among members in this organization.”
I had cut him off once already. But when he did nothing about
it, he did not look at me oddly nor did he hit me. I thought I
could push more—something perhaps I shouldn’t have done,
and yet, “Like it’s a family?” I scoffed dryly, earning myself
Shiho calling out my name to tell me to shut up. “I have no
intention of treating it as such, not when I can see how little
value I have in your eyes. But I’ll do my part, it’s a business
after all.” Perhaps I stammered at some point, but who
wouldn’t when the man standing in front of me was the leader
of a criminal organization as big as Bonten? That very thought
made me take back my words, I looked down and spoke up,
“I’m sorry.” “Don’t apologize. Follow me.” With that he
dragged me ahead, but his hold wasn’t painful, I just knew I
had to follow him if I didn’t want it to hurt. My stomach
churned, I felt like I had fucked up, like whatever I had said
was something I shouldn’t have said and like Hanma’s seldom
liked reputation was going to take a hit.
When we reached what looked like an office, I was told to
close the door and did just that without hesitating, only to be
left standing in front of the man. “No one’s outside, it’s just
you and me. It’s pretty loud out there too.” He hummed,
almost like he was talking to himself from how low his tone
was. I observed his actions and held back from fidgeting. I had
to keep some sort of composure, even as he pulled out a gun
from the drawer of the desk in front of me. I watched him
walk around said desk to finally stand in front of it as he
slammed the gun down on the wooden furniture.
“Shoot me.” He plainly said, not one ounce of hesitation in
his eyes.
Looking around for any cameras to see if this was a test, I
assumed from the lack of them that it was not. It was
something else.
“No?” I replied in confusion.
“Come, get the gun and shoot me.” He repeated, this time
handing me the gun as he rested it in his palm, handle towards
me.
Walking up to him, I took it and threw it on a seat that was
against the wall. The man with nothing but darkness in his
eyes sighed then walked up to me and clasped his hands on my
cheeks before resting his forehead against mine, “Anyone
would understand this is a one time opportunity and you’re not
taking it.” His eyes met mine and for some reason, it rose
sadness in my chest even as they lacked emotions, “Is he that
good to you that you’d throw away your sense of justice?” He
asked, letting go of my face and brushing my hair back gently,
like a brother would. I did not know what he was doing, but I
felt tears well up in my eyes, tears that I fought back when
saying, “What justice is there in killing you when you’re
unarmed?”
He chuckled, “If I had a gun in hand it’d make it easier?”
“I don’t want to shoot you! You’re—” “Innocent?” He asked,
voice devoid of anything. That word did not ring right in his
mouth, it did not ring right in mine either, except if it was used
to describe the victims of our crimes. “They call him the
Reaper, you know.” He pondered out loud, “They describe him
as the devil, which he must be. After all, he is the only one
doing all of this because he’s bored.” Mikey continued, now
walking around the room slowly, step by step, a deaf thud at
each of those steps. When he reached the seat, he took the gun
and looked at it as he asked, “But what’s worse than the devil,
whose only crime was to want to live a fun life?” When a
silence followed, I met his empty eyes and told him I didn’t
know.
Smiling sadly, he said, “Those who shamed him. Those who
pinned every crime ever committed on him, because they
couldn’t shoulder their own ‘sins’ as they called it. They’ve
installed a fear of living, a darkness to turn your back to, in
fear of falling right into it—they’re the real monsters. Lying to
themselves, praising themselves for doing good things when
behind closed doors, they’re all wicked—that’s what being
human is.” He paused, resting his chin on the barrel of the gun
as he sat on the desk, “But that wickedness grows and
grows… How long can those closed doors hold it back? If you
don’t want the house to fall apart, you take care of it, you kill
the wickedness that grew so much that now all that remains is
a monster with no humanity left.” He handed me the gun once
again, “That’s what Bonten does, it kills monsters. Only,
Bonten lives like the devil, free of hypocrisy, free of shackles.”
I hesitantly took the gun, and he continued, with a soft smile,
“And since people fear us more than they fear the devil
himself, we are the picture perfect monsters.”
Another pause.
“Don’t you think we deserve to die?” His hands grabbed the
gun and helped me cock it as he disengaged the safety. “Don’t
you wish to see them praise you for being their hero? For
saving them?”
“They don’t want to be saved—they only care about
themselves when it’s about themselves. This world has no
empathy anymore. So what if I kill you? What if I manage to
escape? They’ll still find a way to shame me for even being a
part of Bonten, they’ll find out I was in love with one of them
and they’ll shame me. I don’t want to kill you, it’s pointless.” I
explained in all honesty, whatever words that spilled out of my
mouth were soon forgotten from all the stress I was going
under.
When Mikey grabbed the gun again, he engaged back the
safety and threw the gun on the desk, “Aren’t you selfish?” He
asked in awe, if awe was something he could express.
“I absolutely am.” I replied without thinking.
I thought he was going to go on a rant again, but instead he
forced me to look at him and asked, “Would you kill if I asked
you to?”
As much as it broke me to say so, I said, “Yes, I would.”
Out of nowhere, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders
and hugged me shortly, but there was no warmth to it, so why
was I crying? His hand patted my hair gently, but there was no
kindness to the action, it felt as if he was resigned. “Don’t
make me regret trusting you.” Even if he let go of me, I held
tight onto him for a moment—if it wasn’t for Sanzu slamming
the door open with panic in his eyes, I would probably have
taken a moment to let go, but instead I practically jumped
away.
“Mikey! Are you okay?” I was pushed further away by Sanzu
who did not dare touch Mikey, but did look him over to check
for anything, “Shiho is waiting for you, get out of here and
join her.” The pink-haired man said a bit too aggressively for
my taste, but I did just that and hurried out of the room once I
was sure my face looked proper and not puffy.
I thought I was officially in Bonten the moment Hanma
considered it to be official, but a one-on-one with Mikey
seemed to be the real deal. It’s not something anyone would
want except for Sanzu or those who knew him well, but for
new members or people that did not interact with executives?
That was dreadful, something no one would wish on anyone. I
felt lucky having survived this short meeting with him and yet,
also lighter in a strange way. As if he had taken my own
wickedness by claiming it in the name of Bonten, turning it
into its own monster.
Was this what he meant? He would not wait for that
wickedness to grow on its own, instead he helped it grow, he
watched over it, nurtured it, all in his own little garden that
was the organization. Because if he could see the monster he
created, the monster could not escape, he could still kill it—he
could.
Of course he could.
But it seemed so easy to bask in what it brought. After all,
we’d be judged anyway, no matter our actions?
It was alright to keep that monster as company, right?
My very own devil was my best company, so what was wrong
with keeping your monsters as such?
My devil that I could not see anywhere around—I wanted him
by my side, I wanted his touch and his presence but instead, I
walked up to Shiho to avoid thinking of him in such an
obsessive way.
“I’m alive.” I told her with a joking tone.
“Yeah, I see that? What happened back there?” She asked,
patting me down for any bruises or other sorts of wounds, then
dusting down my dress to remove the creases before tilting my
head up and gazing at me with a focused expression, “You’re
not smiling, smile.”
I hadn’t realized I was not faking well enough; quickly, I tried
to give her a smile, but it was tiring. “Make me smile then? I
don’t know Shi, Mikey made me pass some sort of test, it
was… mentally draining.” I shrugged, looking around,
perhaps scanning the room to see if Hanma was around but I
couldn’t see him anywhere. My friend then threaded her
fingers with mine, “Okay, then let’s have some fun—for real
this time, no idiotic men interrupting us, no ma’am.”
That alone put a small smile on my face. She then started
walking rapidly ahead of me towards one of the game tables
and right before sitting at one, she looked at me and grinned,
“Got us some change.” She said, showing the big bundle of
bills in her hands. With wide eyes, I mouthed ‘how?’ and she
pulled me with one strong pull towards her, placing the bills
between us as she pressed a kiss on them, “I’m a sugar bitch,
he’s my sugar—uh… bitter, actually, he’s a bit bitter—he’s
like, giving, but…” She trailed off, making a forced thinking
face as she gave it a longer thought before slapping the stack
of money on my chest in a way that said ‘Eureka!’, “He’s my
bloody bank, but not in a British way. He’s just violent, and
it’s hot, so…” “Remember how Rai’d fight you on that?” I
asked while looking at the table, now lowering my tone so
she’d be the only one hearing what I was saying over the
music playing in the background.
“Both her and Aiko! I’m not surprised little Rai’s dating a cop
though.” Quickly, I said her name sternly, effectively getting
her to shut up. That outburst had people looking at us
condescendingly, like we were nothing but rats in such an
establishment, something that didn’t belong here. Ticked off, I
tilted my head to Shiho’s ear; she was sitting down as I stood
by her side, “Maybe don’t mention the farm animals here.
Tonight, you’re Pretty Woman, so you act all fancy and make
fun of the bastard right in front of us—chuckle at what I said
to see what he does.” I explained with a mocking smile when I
met the stranger’s face. Shiho followed my instructions and I
held back from laughing at the way his face turned sour.
I hadn’t even paid attention to what game table we had joined
until the croupier tapped his hand in front of me for my
attention, “Bet or leave, what will you do?” He asked, pointing
at Shiho’s pouch. The woman rested her elbow on the table
and looked at him with a sweet grin, “Red 27.” “How much?”
“Let’s start with this.” She picked ten chips of 100 and placed
them on the number she had chosen. I was tempted to stop her,
but it was her night and not her money, so what was stopping
her?
“Clearly, you don’t know how to play.” The man that had
looked at us oddly said, annoyed. Shiho looked up at him and
scratched her long nail on the top of the chips she had just
placed but had yet to let go of, “Okay? Are you matching my
offer or…” “It’s not poker, I have no need to raise what I bet.”
He cut her off. I clicked my tongue at his tone but didn’t say
anything else, instead I placed a hand on her shoulder and
leaned over once more, “It’s not a safe bet, but you know that,
don’t you?”
She grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it sweetly before
nodding, “Absolutely, but it’s fun, and it’s making this dude
angry, so.” Just as she said so, the croupier blocked the bets by
placing the marker on the chips then rolled the little marble in
the roulette and waited for it to stop to finally say, “22 black,
no winners.” He then tidied up the chips by his side and waited
for the people around the table to stop talking to ask for bets
again. Shiho did not seem disappointed, but I saw her pull out
a small metallic box from her pouch; she licked her finger then
dipped it in the pocket-sized box before bringing it to her
gums, running her tongue over it afterwards. My heart
weighed more at the sight, but I held back from saying
anything as I watched her put it away, grinning widely,
“Alright, another one then!”
“This time I’ll bet on the second row, put those,” Shiho placed
her chips at the end of the row before placing some between 4
and 7, and one on black. The man in front of us had bet on red,
she was doing things to spite him, and while I was living for
this even more so seeing how the businessman was fueled with
ire, I had a bad feeling. “That’s almost 7 grand! You can’t be
serious, you’re not—you’re not taking this seriously, it’s not
kindergarten, it’s real money!” He slammed his fist on the
table; his wrist was instantly snatched by the croupier then he
pulled his arm back and grumbled to himself.
Pouting mockingly, Shiho met his gaze, “Money you don’t
have, right? That’s why you’re mad? Want me to bet more to
live your fantasy by proxy or something?” This time he was
about to hit her so I kneed him in the crotch before he could
even reach her, “Block the bets and roll, he’s not gonna raise
his bets.” I stated as the croupier placed the marker on the
chips and rolled again—the tension was higher this time, not
from the man grunting in pain by my side but from how much
Shiho had bet.
The sound of the marble rolling on the metal and wood inside
the roulette was like a roll of drums, getting us on the edge of
our seats, keeping others on their toes as they watched it slow
down.
Each jump over the metal separation brought us closer or
further away from a win, my heart was beating faster and
faster, I couldn’t look away.
Gripping Shiho’s shoulder’s tight, I mumbled an apology
when I felt how warm my hands were on her cold disrobed
shoulder. She only took my hand but did not say anything, too
focused on the action.
It slowed more, and more.
Then as it stopped, the croupier called a winner.
Damn.
Chapter End Notes

Hey sluts, here we have a little snack. I do believe it’s

something very entertaining that opens up some fun
scenes for further chapters, thoughts? Was it enjoyable?
Are yall delusional bitches satiated by this “sweetness”?
Haitani fuckers, thoughts? I do still have a server with
some unhinged people if you’d like to join and you’re
18+, do DM me on Tumblr or Twitter @PhysicalTurian
Words : 10 846
Posted on the 4th February 2022
 Chapter 16
Chapter Notes

Evening… mention of drugs

https://www.drugs.com/illicit/rohypnol.html
See the end of the chapter for more notes

It was to be expected, after all luck had been avoiding us the

entire evening. And maybe Shiho had expected it too from
how unfazed she seemed to be when the marble stopped on 18
red. None of the stakes she had placed on the table covered
that, she had lost all of it, and yet, she wasn’t looking away
from the man we had been challenging this entire time.
“Whatever you won isn’t gonna compensate for all that you’ve
lost so far, you know.” She said off-handedly, barely glancing
at the croupier when he gathered the chips from the mat and
distributed the winnings to those who had earned some. “You
haven’t won jack shit since you joined this table, keep your
comments to yourself, and your dog too.” He said, this time
raising his chin towards me, dismissively pointing instead of
addressing me properly.
Frowning, I stepped closer to him to intimidate him and have
his tone change when addressing me. It wasn’t that I was
higher ranked than anyone, or that my place in Bonten made
me act as such, no, of course not. It was more a need for basic
respect that I was asking for, something I’ll later understand I
had lost the moment I had kicked him, but at this very moment
I did not care. “Say that again without holding your little
thinker, then I’ll listen.” I spat, looking back at the table where
Shiho had bet some more and was still pointing at some
numbers for the croupier to place her bets. While she did so,
the man next to me sighed loudly and turned me towards him
by grabbing my shoulder roughly, “It’s my balls—you know,
from when you kicked me because you’re a crazy bitch?”
“Yeah, that’s the joke I made, it’s your dick, that’s why it’s
your brain.” With a roll of my eyes, I gripped his hand to get it
off of me and if the action was done confidently, I was shaking
inside in fear he’d get mad and throw back the hit I had given.
With a grip as tight as I could make it, I dug my nails in his
hand and met his gaze, “Are you betting again or are you
leaving?” “Ignore him, he’s probably penniless—I mean, look
at his outfit. Poor guy can’t bet more than he’s already done.”
Shiho said, setting her own bets. She asked me to join her
back, her hand on my lower back as she placed her head
against my arm, hugging me from the side. It seems he was
already worked up because all it took was those words from
Shiho for him to dig his hand in the pocket of his suit to pull
out a pouch filled with cash that he slammed on the table, “All
in on black.” He said in a hurry, pushing his chips to the black
part on the table, the croupier adding the chips equal to the
amount of money put on the table then placed a marker on it.
Once everyone was ready, he turned the roulette and the stress
was back, the anticipation was building inside all of those who
had high stakes in this game—Shiho. When I looked around, it
looked like more people had joined in, but only to watch
because they did not have the guts to participate. Perhaps they
knew they did not have the guts to stop or they were not here
for such entertainment. They were here for bigger business,
probably deals with Bonten or even other people that were into
shady businesses like Bonten was. But all of them had that one
thing in common, they all acted higher than they were,
whispering to their partners, catering their drinks and only
taking the smallest sips, considering how expensive it had
been to get them.
They weren’t part of this world, not really. They believed they
were, but if they did not have money to throw and feared any
sort of thrills, then they could sit back and relax—never would
they be a part of this.
“30 red.” The croupier called, effectively getting my attention
back on the game. I was caught off guard when Shiho
suddenly stood up, her hands slamming on the table in
excitement, “There we fucking go!” She turned around and
lowered her tone to ask me to stand aside before she stood up
and got up close with the man that had been annoying, “You
can’t play, you’re betting too much, blah blah blah—look who
lost all their money! Not me, not fucking me.” She said,
tapping the tip of her index finger aggressively on his chest,
her nose almost touching his from how close she was to him.
He looked at her with pure ire; fearing for her safety, I
wrapped an arm around her stomach and pulled her back to her
seat. “Get your gains, let’s get to another table—” “All or
nothing!” He said, his disgusting hand holding her arm as she
gathered the chips. Without hesitation, I elbowed his arm
down, earning a pained cry but even through the pain, he
gripped my arm and pulled me close to him, his stinking
breath reaching my nose quickly. I had to hold my breath.
“I’m not talking to you.” “And you can’t double or nothing
when you have nothing, did I damage your thinker that
much?” I asked in a fake caring way, glancing down then back
at him. I did not know what gave me such a feeling of safety,
this place was out of my comfort zone and my friend by my
side was clearly not paying attention to what was going on as
she was stacking everything on the table. “I’ll fucking damage
your insolence-spitting mouth is what I can do—” The
moment his hand gripped my jaw tight, it let go instantly, then
I saw his head tilt to the side and hit the corner of the roulette
table at a frigthening speed. His body fell limp to the ground,
people around the table scattering away in shock. The
whispers grew and, as they tended to, people were pointing at
where the commotion came from: the passed out man on the
floor by my feet.
Frozen on the spot at the turn of events, I looked to see who
had done this and felt my heart soar when I saw Hanma
crouching on the ground, his hands now inside the man’s
pockets. A lit cigarette was resting between his pretty lips
while a curious expression adorned his features and he said,
without much articulation, “He’s not coming back.” “What?
Like you went too hard?” I asked jokingly. He let out a barked
laugh and stood up, kicking the man’s shoes on his way before
reaching my side and bringing the cigarette away, his arm
extended to the side. He puffed out the smoke in the air before
bringing his face to my height, ignoring everyone around us
which I did not mind doing until he pressed his lips on mine,
smirking while doing so. I don’t know why I pushed him away
and I regretted it instantly when he looked at me confused, his
smile falling, but I quickly patted his chest, “Not here, I need
to help Shiho first.” As if summoned, the woman in question
popped her head between us, a box full of chips resting in her
hands.
“Aren’t you two cozy?” She cooed, her eyes switching from
him to me a few times before settling on me, “Did I miss…
something?” Not knowing if she meant between him and I, or
on the whole, I chose the latter and pointed at the ground, “If
you hadn’t seen, the bastard’s passed out on the ground.” “No,
no, I saw that! It’s deserved, so I don’t really care, I meant
more like…” She threw a look at Hanma who was finishing
his cigarette and was now looking around the place, one hand
in his pocket while the other brought the cigarette to his lips
for him to take a drag. “Did something happen with the big
guy there?”
Jumping to old habits wasn’t better, but it was safer. I don’t
know what I feared would happen if I did admit it to someone
else, but I didn’t want to try, so I waved her off. “Have you
seen him? Nothing happened—I mean nothing different from
the usual, no nothing.” That was too fast, unnecessary and to
change from what seemed to be repeating tonight, I regretted
it. Hanma didn’t take it too badly since he crushed his
cigarette on the box in his pocket before tucking it away, then
he smiled manically at me. His eyes wandered to Shiho then to
me again, “Nothing? That’s not what you say when we’re
together with my dick in your mouth, but then again, you can’t
really say much.” “Alright, enough, I—” “No, cause you look
ashamed right now, doll. What? You don’t want people to
know,” He stepped back and while still looking at me dead in
the eyes, raised his tone, enough for people nearby to hear
even with the loud music, “That you sucked me off? That any
chance we get, you let me fuck you with just my fingers? That
you—” Covering his mouth with one hand while the other
held the back of his head, I pushed him towards the side of the
room, Shiho following right behind me without me having the
need to tell her. Of course he was letting me, because he found
it amusing to win his silly little show off and even if I stopped
him, he knew he had won.
When we were in a calmer area, I let go and fully ignored him
to focus on Shiho who was smiling happily at us. “Yes.” I
simply said, to answer her question again but it didn’t make
sense so Shiho quirked a brow, still grinning, “Yes, what?” She
knew what I meant, I’m convinced she knew but she made me
say it.
“Yes, something happened,” I put an arm around her back and
brought her a bit away, looking back at Hanma to wordlessly
tell him to not follow, “Some things might happen tonight, but
most of it happened when I—when we weren’t… really
together.” I explained, feeling my cheeks heat up by the
second. My tongue felt like putty and I had a hard time getting
those words out, but Shiho understood and she inquired more.
“So you’re together-together, now! It’s so cool!” “Something
like that. I think? I don’t know if I… nevermind that, if I do
know one thing it’s that I do want to have sex with him, but
we’ve been busy and it’s a bit hard to find free time but I—
yeah, I like him?” I let out a nervous laugh and ran my free
hand over my face before shaking my head, “I don’t know
why I’m talking about it like it’s something cute, like it’s
something normal. I should stop this, I should keep things
professional—” “Of course not! If what he said is true,” I
mumbled to her that it was and Shiho continued, “Then I don’t
think there’s a way to keep anything professional, plus he’s not
ugly.” She hummed, giving me a thumbs up, as if praising me
for my choice but I hadn’t chosen him, it all just happened
without me ever having a say in it.
“He’s despicable, Shi. He’s fucked up, he doesn’t care about
shit—” She cut me off, her hand moving mine away from her
waist as she forced me to look at her, “And you do? I’m sorry
babe, but you’re kinda being hypocritical right now. It’s not
like you were righteous either, didn’t you kill people? Cause I
know about that and I don’t care, I don’t think he does either.”
For some reason, it made it more real to hear her tell me she
knew about the wrongs I did, it clearly showed that nothing
was a secret in Bonten. And if she had been informed of that,
then there was no way she wouldn’t know about everything
else. Meaning, she knew so much that if she ever decided to
leave because Sanzu had gone bad—not that he wasn’t already
bad from an unbiased point of view—she wouldn’t be able to
leave. Sure, the conversation wasn’t about her, and I had heard
what she had said, but I couldn’t help the knot forming in my
throat from how sad it all was.
“This is not a love story, Shiho. We’re not allowed to find
happiness in such a situation.” I didn’t mean it, because I
wanted to hold onto something. I wanted to hold onto Hanma.
So why was I saying that? Was there still a part of me that
believed there was a way out? Was that part still convinced
that this was just a side job? It wasn’t. I was involved neck
deep in all of this, I couldn’t leave. It’d only get worse with
time. “Oh, lighten up a little! I know it’s not fun! Trust me, I
know,” She paused, a certain darkness painted on her features
for a second. I reached out for her and placed my hand on her
cheek, brushing my thumb over it and she quickly grabbed my
hand to move it away and hold it. “But it’s fine, because we
chose this, right? Who cares if we can’t leave? We got each
other! And you got Hanma, I got Haru—and he’s a lot of fun,
he helps me forget!”
Furrowing my brows, I looked at her and asked, “Forget
what?”
She waved it off as if it was nothing, but said, “Sometimes he
forgets I’m not—I’m not part of Bonten for real, so he takes
me with him on some of his little outings and I see stuff I don’t
really want to see, I guess? It’s kinda hard to sleep at night, but
it helps that he can get some stuff for us to get high so it’s
cool.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry.” I said as I wrapped my arms around her.
That was the most sincere I’ve ever been in the past few
weeks, there was nothing more I could say but sorry. I was to
blame, no matter the outcome of the situation she was in, the
blame would inevitably fall on me. Knowing her, she would
never accuse me of being responsible for the position she was
in, but I would. Because it was true. Because I was the catalyst
to her downfall.
I felt her chuckle awkwardly in my embrace as she patted my
back, “It’s alright, but don’t you think this conversation is
over!” Breaking the hug, she looked at me with determination,
completely closing the topic that was her joining Bonten and
said, “We were talking about you! Fuck the consequences
right? Fuck this shitty organization because—because there is
no way we’re coming out of there alive, so you might as well
fuck around, literally, and have fun!” She was smiling broadly
now, her hands gripping my shoulders so tight it hurt, then she
took a deep breath and with finality, said, “That was the point I
wanted to make.”
When I stared at her in awe from the short rant she had let out,
I smiled softly, about to tell her my opinion but she turned me
around, “So go fuck, yeah? I’ll go find Sanzu because I am
feeling hot all over and I need to take the edge off.” She
hummed happily before pushing me towards Hanma; before
she could leave, I grabbed her wrist tight, wanting to stop her
from going back but I remembered her speech and let go
immediately. My friend looked at me confused, asking me if
there was anything else.
I smiled.
“Be safe, don’t be afraid to call me if there is anything.
Alright?” The tightness in my throat was not leaving, and as
Shiho grinned, it tightened more when I remembered that deep
down she wasn’t as happy as she seemed. Because she needed
help. Help she wouldn’t have the need to seek if I hadn’t
brought her to that club. “Well of course? Same goes to you
babe, see you in a few? I think we should definitely play some
poker, cause I have some money to spare, so…” She then
rushed to my side and kissed my cheek before hurrying off to
join Sanzu, leaving me alone and thinking of what I could
have done to change what she ended up in.
Two hands fell to my shoulders and gripped them tight, “Are
you gonna listen to her advice?” the low-spoken voice said,
startling me in the process. My chest suddenly weighed as
much as my guilt, it felt like I couldn’t breathe but I still
turned around to look at him. He who I had hurt by denying
anything we had, by refusing to be close to him just because I
feared people’s opinion on us. But it was stupid of me. That I
knew. Because Mikey was right, people were monsters—one
mistake could not be forgiven, one mistake was a step in the
grave, one mistake sentenced one to shame and death.
And the amount of mistakes I had to my count would make me
their scapegoat, the perfect monster. So what was one more?
Could I even call loving him a mistake when it felt right?
When he would not judge me for who I had become?
“Her advice didn’t entail me apologizing and yet,” I took his
hand in mine and squeezed it, hesitant to look at him as I
softly told him, “I’m sorry I hurt you. I panicked, I am not
ashamed of you.” “But I’m despicable and fucked up, oh, and
I don’t care, right?” He said mockingly, but the hurt in his
voice was very present. When I met his gaze, my heart
stopped.
I couldn’t breathe.
I had fucked up.
I didn’t let go of him even when he tried to pull his hand back.
“I said it out of habit, I didn’t mean it—whatever you heard, I
promise my mind has changed. I was just… I was afraid.” I
explained as if it would erase everything that happened out of
his memory, as if the pain in his chest would suddenly fade
away, but it didn’t work like that. People couldn’t read your
mind, your emotions. People could misunderstand your words.
“Of me?” He simply asked, face devoid of anything. Because
if he showed sadness, he’d be weak, right?
Panicking, I let go of his hand and gripped his biceps with
force, how could he think that? Had I shown him so little faith
that now he thought I feared him? “What? No! No, not of you.
Never of you. Why would I be afraid of you? You…” I trailed
off and looked him dead in the eyes, “You’d never hurt me, I
trust you.” I finally said, believing every word coming out of
my mouth. I felt odd but somehow, it made me feel safer than I
ever did before. “I didn’t think—I didn’t think. That is all.”
Hanma wasn’t saying anything. He didn’t move from where he
stood and only looked down at me, probably thinking,
pondering my words, weighing their worth. I wanted to reach
for his face, I wanted to kiss him and tell him we could go
back there and do whatever he wanted, that I didn’t care what
people thought of us. It was true, Shiho had been right, among
her heartbreaking words she had been right—the consequences
didn’t matter anymore. Nothing worse could happen because
no matter what I did, I was already tarnished and there was no
way I could go back to who I once was.
“How about you stop saying shit you don’t mean then? Hm?”
The moment he said that, I averted my eyes and focused on his
shirt. It was the cowardly thing to do, but I did it anyway.
“Look at me.” He said, tilting my head to have me look at him,
then did not say anything. He simply stared. Each passing
second made it more and more unbearable because all I
wanted to do was kiss him and tell him I loved him—loved?
Loved?
My brain shut down.
My eyes widened.
He noticed my reaction and clicked his tongue on his teeth,
“Don’t tell me you’re afraid.” “I love you Shuji, please don’t
leave me.” We both said at the same time. I immediately
covered my mouth then his, stopping him from saying
anything in return. This had been too much. I had said too
much already in the car and he had told me he cared, whatever
I said now would be the straw that’d break the camel’s back.
Letting go of him, I raised my index, “A moment, I need a
moment.” Then I walked off to some random door, fully aware
that Hanma was following me. He would not drop this, not
that I’d expect him to.
Perhaps I ran off so we could be alone together, without
anything or anyone bothering us. It had been arrogant of me to
think he’d love me back, so why did I blurt it out?
“Are you gonna cry now? Is that how the song goes? Because
it’s so bad to be with me?” He asked with a smirk that hid
once again how he truly felt. We were standing in the middle
of a well-lit corridor with a red carpet, but no one in sight. I
did not know where it led, but there were a few doors down
the line, and since none of them were open, I could let it all
out.
“You look at me! You fucking look at me, truly this time, go
ahead! Look me in the eyes and drop the act! Tell me you were
hurt, tell me how you really felt!” I yelled, slamming my hand
on his chest, feeling my very own tremble under the heartbeats
of my fast-beating heart that was hammering against my
ribcage, trying to escape and protect itself from the incoming
pain. Hanma looked down at me, his smile falling but his eyes
speaking so loudly. He was listening, he was hearing me, a
battle was happening in his head on what to do next. Taking a
deep breath, I continued in a calmer tone, “Because it’s easy to
make it into a joke, right? Now tell me you don’t love me or
do something.” I felt frustration come up from his lack of
response and said in a tone that matched my emotion, “I
apologized, because I was in the wrong and I fucked up. I
know that! So you either forgive me or you tell me off! You
either like me a little or you don’t and it’s fine.”
Hanma chuckled, “Isn’t it hard to be so thick in the head?
Don’t know if it’s a choice or if it’s genuine stupidity, but—”
“I’m done, I’ve had enough, I can’t take one more joke.” I
interrupted him by turning around, ready to leave, but he
stopped me and brought me close to his chest, his arms
wrapped around my waist so tight I couldn’t even attempt to
escape. I wanted that, I absolutely did, but I was afraid he was
fooling around, it broke me. “For the record, I’m the one who
says when it’s enough. And with these stupid meetings and
errands I was sent off to, I’ll tell you one thing: I’ve had
nothing and I plan on having everything. All of it.” With that,
he cradled my face in his large hands and brought it to his,
crashing his lips to mine as he pushed me to the wall, bodies
pressed against one another. Both of us were breathing heavily
through our noses, unable to do so properly from the kiss
being shared, unable to let go of one another, hands traveling
each other’s bodies, lifting the hem of my dress, untucking his
shirt from his pants.
“I’m not gonna fuck you.” He breathed against my skin, his
nose brushing down my neck as he kissed down my jawline to
my collarbone. I held the side of his face to not ruin his hair
but then moved my hand to the back of his neck, bringing him
closer, “Why, Shuji? Am I not enough? Is that why you’re not
fucking me?” It made him look up, his lips now ghosting over
mine as I stared at him in surprise from the sudden action. His
hands were gripping my ass with force, perhaps even anger,
“Shit, look at you, desperate for my cock in the middle of a job
—this is gold!” He exclaimed out of breath, lifting one of my
legs to his hip as he pressed me further against the wall,
leaving barely any room between us. I let out a groan from the
pain on my back and the feeling of his nails digging in my
skin; my head was tilted to the side since it could not tilt back,
“But this ain’t about me, this is about you being a fucking
princess and you probably telling me I fucked up for fucking
you in a casino hall, got it?” He asked, now dead serious, his
hand having left my ass to angle my face towards his as he
grazed his lips over mine once more, “I said, got it?” He
reiterated his question.
Smirking, I nodded and went to kiss him, but my lips never
met his. He had stepped back and let go of me, this time
grinning. His emotions were unstable right now; I couldn’t
guess what was going on in his head, which was not unusual,
but it had been foolish of me to think he’d be clouded by lust
like I had been. My smirk was replaced by sudden shame and
my face heated up in embarrassment, “Don’t make that face,
we’re not repeating your photo booth trauma.” “I knew I
shouldn’t have said shit about that. I should have known you’d
make fun of me.” I huffed, pulling the hem of my dress down
to cover up. Any mood I was in to fuck him was suddenly
gone from how bad I felt after his short rejection.
He probably did not think of it as such. But then again, we
never really thought the same thing, which made me wonder:
if our minds weren’t alike, why did I feel a pull towards him
whenever he’d speak, whenever he’d be nearby or when he’d
take my hand? Simply because I loved him? Was it really
love? I had blurted it out so I couldn’t take it back, and part of
me felt it to the core, but there was this remaining small piece
of common sense, of logic, that was battling for me to think
and make sense out of this.
It didn’t.
At least I didn’t want to think of it anymore. This sensation in
my chest was too good for me to let it go, instead of fighting
him, I let him do as he pleased. “Make fun of you? Babe, I’d
never.” He said in pure shock, only to laugh at his own words
before digging in his front pocket for something, “If you
weren’t an impatient woman, you’d give me two fucking
seconds to breathe, yeah?” There wasn’t room for a choice,
this man was not known for suggesting or questioning, he
ordered. Perhaps they weren’t orders per se, but they felt like
it. So I sighed and leaned against the wall, arms crossed over
my chest. “You know, you’re right. We have a job to do, so
why are we standing here? Shouldn’t we go back?”
Instead of replying, Hanma pulled out something from his
pocket and gestured for me to lean back, his hand resting on
the side of my throat as he made me look to the side. “‘cause
I’m not done.” With that, he rested the side of his face against
my head and I felt his fingers on my ear. Instead of scurrying
off, I tensed up and waited to see what he’d do. I could smell
his strong cologne and wanted to wrap my arms around him,
but instead I hooked a finger to the waistband of his pants.
With a side glance, I was looking at his exposed lower
stomach while he was struggling next to my face, “Are ya
hungry or something?” He whispered right into my ear,
startling me in the process and making me let go of his pants.
“You’re very close, can you blame me?” I whispered back in
all intimacy, not believing I had done and said those things
with confidence. But hearing him laugh made me smile—a
smile he noticed when he leaned back and looked at me,
smirking proudly. With the back of his hand, he brushed back
my hair and looked at what he had done. “Looking good with
your tag, babe.” He commented. Bringing my own hand to my
ear, I felt the coldness of metal dangling and was surprised by
what he had done. Wanting to see what it looked like, I patted
his jacket for my phone only to have him grab my hands to
stop me, “What are you doing?” “I need to see what I’m
working with, I highly doubt you have any fashion sense.” He
handed me my phone and let me pull out the camera to check
myself out—I had to hold back from grinning and instead
looked up at him and quirked a brow, “Matching earrings?
Isn’t that—” “I’m putting my claim on what’s mine, like a
cattle.” Before I could say anything, he grabbed my phone,
held it out of my reach and angled towards us for a picture.
“Or you’d prefer this?” He then ran his tongue on my throat
and started sucking on it, nibbling on the skin, grazing his
tongue over the same spot over and over again with the sole
purpose of leaving a hickey. “That’s more familiar, less
dignified, but you like it like that, yeah?” He breathed against
my skin, laughing without ever stopping his actions.
One hand grabbed me under the thigh to lift me just a little bit,
pressing me further into the wall, “Gentle isn’t fun, you want it
rough.” he punctuated by thrusting his hips against mine,
earning himself a groan from my person as I gripped the back
of his jacket tight. I wanted to push him off, to tell him that I
was not an object he could own, but the pain of each bite on
my skin rendered me silent if not for the small gasps escaping
my lips. “I mean, you don’t have your tattoo yet…” He trailed
off and for the umpteenth time leaned back and gave me a
once over, “But there’s nothing wrong with a bit of hand-made
work, right?” He smiled manically, wiping the saliva from my
throat and handing me my phone back.
Hurrying to get the camera out, I looked at my neck and ran
my fingers over it, “Don’t you have any restraints?” I asked
rhetorically upon seeing the size of the hickey he had left.
Hanma mustn’t have appreciated those words since he took off
his jacket and threw it on the ground before falling to his
knees, “At this point you’re begging for it, doll.” and with
those words, he slid his hands up my legs and to my ass,
gripping it with force to bring my hips to the level of his head.
When he looked up at me, I threaded my fingers through his
hair and tilted his head back, “What are you doing?!” I
ushered, my eyes flickering between the mischievous glimmer
in his eyes and the wide grin on his lips, “You’re funny—bitch
is begging for my dick, but hickeys make her shy?” His touch
traveled from my ass down to behind my knees where he
pushed to force me to rest my knees on his shoulders, his head
nested between my thighs. His lips pressed on my inner thighs
as he looked up at me, smiling all along. To not miss out on
his beautiful expressions, I lifted my dress even more; it
earned me a chuckle from the man on his knees. “And then
she’s ready to bare her pussy to the world just for me to eat it
out, isn’t that right?” He asked, lips grazing lazily on my inner
thighs.
“Isn’t it funny that the same bitch talks about restraints? When
she’s ready to get fucked in the middle of a place where
anyone could walk in on—” “I get it!” I cut him off.
He bit my thigh so hard I had to cover my mouth in pain, “I
wasn’t finished.” He stated, his lips slightly redder than they
used to be from the color of the liquid tainting them. I couldn’t
trust myself to speak, so I kept a hand on my mouth and raised
the hem enough to look at the damage. My eyes widened at
small prickles of blood on the bite, “And don’t act surprised,
because we both know you liked it, understood?” Hanma said,
almost bored as he ran his tongue over the wound, making me
hiss in pain behind my hand.
“Are you kidding me? Are you for real—I can’t believe this.”
We heard someone say nearby.
The sudden shame that filled me made me lose all my senses; I
quickly pushed Hanma’s head away from me and dropped the
hem of my dress to cover up. I heard him sigh angrily as he
stood up, grabbing his jacket from the floor lazily before
standing by my side with his arm wrapped around my
shoulders. “Never seen two people about to fuck, God of War?
If you kept reacting like that when you walked in on your
parents, no wonder they left.” “You’re a real piece of shit,
Reaper, can’t believe they’re making me work with you.”
Takeomi spat in pure hatred. I did not need to know Takeomi’s
past to know that Hanma’s words were uncalled for, but he had
been ticked off. And if I knew one thing after all that we had
gone through, it was to not interrupt whatever he’d be doing—
something the scarred man had just done.
“What are you doing, standing there like an idiot? Can’t you
see I’m busy?” Hanma asked, bringing me closer possessively,
his hand slithering to my hips as he asked me to get a cigarette
from his inside pocket. “And you can’t do it yourself,
because?” I asked, moving in front of him, my back turned to
Takeomi all while taking the cigarette and placing it between
Hanma’s lips. “Because it’s cute to see how docile you get
after I touch you.” he whispered so that only I could hear.
That’s all it took for me to huff a laugh—once I had lit his
cigarette—and turn around, facing the dark-haired man that
still stood in the middle of the corridor with his arms crossed
over his chest. “Can’t you just let the woman go and finish the
job you were assigned? She’d be having more fun if you let
her roam around instead of keeping her on a leash.” He said,
convinced of what he was saying. It always amazed me how
those men would assume so much about what I was thinking
when all they were doing was projecting their hate of Hanma
onto me.
Raising a brow, I tilted my head to the side and looked at
Takeomi with curiosity, “So you believe women have more
fun gambling than fucking? It makes one wonder how good
you are in bed, Takeomi.” I commented, a certain pride
swelling in my chest when I heard Hanma burst out laughing
—a laugh that only grew louder when Takeomi’s eyes widened
at my statement, then the penny dropped and he was disgusted,
“No, no, it’s alright, if you want some pointers I’ll be sure to
help you out!” I added mockingly, feeling like I was floating
from how confident I felt at that moment. I was aware it was
not natural, that the cause of this burst of confidence was
because of the man by my side, because I wanted to prove
myself to him for some reason. And I did, since he laughed
and pressed his cheek against the side of my head, his eyes
never leaving Takeomi as he smirked.
The man that had interrupted us gave us an annoyed look, “I
didn’t believe Kakucho when he said she was into it but…
yeah she doesn’t need help, huh?” He said with an air close to
disdain. His reaction showed how much these men hated
Hanma for the very little they interacted together; after all, he
hadn’t done anything wrong—except perhaps insulting him,
but I blamed it on him being annoyed at the interruption, that
was all. “Help?” Hanma asked in disbelief as he puffed out
some smoke and moved his hand away before holding my chin
between his thumb and forefinger as he looked down at me
with hooded eyes, “She’s far beyond rescue, look at her—she’s
hooked!” and he wasn’t wrong, whatever instinct I used to
have, the one that made me fight back, was long gone.
Teasingly, I said, “I’m only staying out of curiosity for what
you keep promising, Shuji. Nothing more.” I saw his manic
grin grow, his face approaching mine as I let my eyes flicker to
his lips. I was about to keep this little banter going until the
black-haired man behind me interrupted, making us sigh as I
stepped away from Hanma. “Yeah, well, you still have a job to
do, so let the crazy woman go and—”
What he was saying rubbed me the wrong way. He hadn’t seen
anything I had done and whatever I had done so far was
justified, right? I wasn’t crazy, I was still sane. “Crazy? Isn’t
it a bit too strong of a word?” I asked with a huffed laugh,
more offended than I thought I would be.
The man with the hair slicked back covered his mouth to try
and muffle his laugh, but nothing could cover up how loud it
came out, “No, yeah, of course not! You’re not!” he couldn’t
even finish the point he was making that he extended his arms
forward to put Hanma on display, “Have you seen who you’re
fucking with?” He asked in pure disbelief, “I’ve seen stupid
people in my life, but you’re probably the stupidest, your
choice in partners is nothing but shit. If you wanted some thrill
in your life, you could have gone to some amusement park or
some shit like that because this,” He gestured around him at
the building, the situation, then his tone lowered in something
condescending, “isn’t a game, do you even get that?” He
tapped his finger to his head, to accentuate me understanding
the situation, “Cause you seem to literally be fucking around
and that’s it.” He finished by getting his pack of cigarettes out
of his suit jacket with a sigh.
Without even glancing at Hanma for his permission, I went
off, “I’ll make it simple for you because you’re probably a bit
thick in the head,” I stepped closer and looked up at him with
unwavering composure, “What I do when I’m not running
errands is my business. What you don’t do—having a life that
is—is yours. I don’t know what you’re expecting of me when
I’m just a pawn of Bonten and not an executive, but maybe
you should lower your expectations or you’ll get disappointed,
God of War.” Once I was done, he seemed thrown off, but only
for a second. With fresh vigor, his brows furrowed and I could
see he did not like my words; but I wasn’t done yet. I wanted
to add to it, so I did, “And trust me when I tell you, I know this
is serious. I may not have assisted your little God-like boss in
killing people, I may not have joined in on your drug deals and
I may not have been there when you were all visiting brothels,
beating people up—but I know this shit is real.” I spat. I was
holding back from bringing him closer by his shirt, but I knew
he’d react to it instantly, at least I was convinced of it. No one
would react well to that. “Sorry my trauma isn’t big enough
for you to take it into consideration, do you want to help with
that, maybe?”
This time he was truly taken aback, his eyes widening a
moment before anger took over and he roughly grabbed my
jaw. “Show some fucking respect!” Was all he could say
before I instinctively reacted by punching him in the nose. We
all knew it wasn’t enough to take him down, perhaps that’s
why Hanma intervened and punched him with more force,
making him stumble back and let go of me, “You show some
fucking respect—put your fucking hands on what’s mine one
more time and I’ll make you the God of Deads.”
Takeomi countered immediately by splaying his hand on the
side of Hanma’s head and slamming it into the wall, denting it
by how much force he put in the action, “I’ve always wanted
to do that, shit, it feels good!” Takeomi said in pure
satisfaction as he moved his hand, shaking his arm a bit to
avoid straining it. When Hanma stood properly, his face
adorned with that wicked grin I was so familiar with, I knew I
had to step back—so I did. “That’s the worst you can do? No
wonder they kicked you out of the Black Dragons! Here, try
again.” Hanma said, pointing at his cheek; Takeomi did not
miss the opportunity and went for a hit that Hanma dodged
effortlessly, plunging forward to tackle the Bonten advisor
down. “Don’t look down, wannabe God, you’ll bleed down
your shirt—I’m being nice here!” The partially-blond man
said as he lifted Takeomi’s head and punched it again and
again, struggling to keep the advisor’s hands away from his
arms when he tried to fight back.
I couldn’t look away from the violent display in front of me.
Something that would usually put me on edge, that would
bring me such a fear I’d be shaking, now got my entire
attention—I was fascinated. Nothing made me want to stop
them; if anything, I wanted to see Hanma win just to see him
smile elatedly. As I got used to seeing him smiling wickedly, I
also grew fond of his proud smile, of seeing him look down at
the people he beat up knowing he had been stronger than
them, that he had won.
It was sick to think such thoughts, I knew it… but I couldn’t
help it. It couldn’t be helped that seeing him with disheveled
hair, blood on his hands and laughing in exhilaration made me
feel things. It was knowing how violent he could become
alongside knowing he had never hurt me that made me feel so
safe, that made me trust him. Never had he raised his hand on
me in the entire time I was in this organization, that was all I
could ask for to give him my trust, so I did. He had my entire
trust in those hands that could commit such violent acts
without needing to think about the consequences of his
actions; in the same hands that held my face so tenderly when
he’d kiss me, when he’d touch me with nothing but lust—
because what we had couldn’t be called love, right? Has he not
shown you he cared many times? Stop doubting him! I told
myself off before shaking myself out of my thoughts to focus
back on the fight.
Just as I did, I saw someone dressed in red interrupt us—
Koko.
“You’re exhausting.” The white-haired man said as he kicked
Hanma off of Takeomi to force the latter out of the way,
shoving him aside by his shirt with the help of Kakucho that
had walked in with him. Hanma was smiling widely, teeth red
from the blood in his mouth with his face mostly intact if it
wasn’t for the cut on his forehead. “Yeah, that’s why I made
him take a nap!” He exclaimed as he stood up and spat blood
on the ground, earning himself disgusted groans from the two
men that had joined us. “Next time he’s dead though.” Hanma
stated as he looked down at Koko with a serious expression,
his smile entirely gone. “Some of you are getting too handsy
with my girl, but you’re a cool guy, Koko.” He made sure to
make quotation marks with his fingers when using the
nickname, before patting Koko’s shoulder, “So you’re warned:
if anyone touches her, they’re dead. Yeah?”
Thinking he was going too far, I walked up to him and Koko
and chuckled to lighten the mood. “Because you think
threatening in my stead will help? If the only way to gain
some respect here is to tear people down, then I guess that’s
what I’ll have to do, right?” I asked, turning around to look at
Koko to invite him to answer. There was some sort of pride on
his face when he nodded, “Sure, if you think you could take a
few hits for talking shit.” Koko chuckled. Of course I probably
couldn’t take any hits those guys would give, but it was more
about attitude than strength, right? They would never dare
punch Mikey because he had proven to be reliable, but they
also respected him for his strength—although there must be
more to it, not that I cared enough to ponder the topic longer.
Shrugging to answer to Koko, he gestured at my outfit with a
raise of his chin, “You’re looking good tonight.” he said before
meeting Hanma’s eyes and smirking, “Are you gonna hit me
for giving her a sincere compliment?” he asked, tauntingly.
That brought Kakucho’s attention, who joined us and looked
me up and down, “I mean she’s dressed for the occasion. Is it
hot? Yeah, but anyone can look hot with money.”
I threw a look at Hanma and quickly thanked them, telling
Koko he looked pretty good too, of course without any ill
intention. Even if we all knew that, Hanma had to make sure
of it. I felt him pressing himself against my back, then his
hands made their way to my shoulders; I tensed up at first
from the wet feeling he left on my skin, then relaxed when he
squeezed, “Of course she looks good, I dressed her myself.
But see, I got to see her in all her glory—that was free, I didn’t
even need to pay good money for it.” He drawled boastfully,
his right hand sliding to my chin and tilting my head back as
he grazed his lips down my jaw, “You can’t buy a body like
hers—” “Alright, enough!” I exclaimed with whatever dignity
I had left after having him show me off so many times in such
a short amount of time. Swatting his hand off, I stepped to the
side and looked at Kakucho and Koko. “Takeomi said Hanma
had things to do, so I’m guessing you’re here for that?”
Koko laughed and glanced at the man passed out on the
ground before looking back at me, “They needed to check on
the croupiers, they finished that. Now it’s actually your time to
go talk about the boring shit cause I have somewhere to be.”
He said casually, handing me a piece of paper with some
information on it. “The chairman is here, so find him, coo him,
drug him, I really don’t care as long as he’s on our side or dead
by the end of tonight.” He explained nonchalantly. As much as
it sounded obvious to him, I did not know how he wanted me
to do any of that, even less without knowing which chairman I
was looking for. How was I supposed to approach him? If I
could avoid killing him, it’d be better, but then the question
was: how was I supposed to drug him? The mere fact that I
was wondering this instead of telling them I wouldn’t do it
showed how far my morals had strayed. “And I’m supposed to
do that alone?” Asking that was showing weakness, hesitation,
but Koko and Hanma wouldn’t use it against me. I couldn’t
say the same about Kakucho, but I had to trust he wouldn’t be
an asshole.
“A woman wouldn’t intimidate him, that’s exactly why you’re
going alone. But,” Koko’s eyes turned to Hanma who was now
standing against the wall, another cigarette in mouth, bored,
“the Reaper isn’t leaving your side, so take him with you in
case shit goes off the rails. Just keep him close by and not
right by your side, it’ll be more effective if chairman Arata
thinks you’re single.”
Grabbing Koko’s bicep in shock, I asked, “Shouishirou Arata?
He already knows who I am!” “Even better! Seeing how the
old man has… tendencies for younger women—if not girls—
it’ll make it easier to have him listen.” He said as a matter of
fact before mumbling something under his breath, his
expression turning disgusted for a moment. As I let go of him,
I matched his expression and said, “So I have to deal with the
predator?” “You’re a grown woman, I’m sure you won’t fall
for his tricks.” Koko replied with a chuckle.
“Can I at least beat him up if he touches me?” I asked,
annoyed. If it were them, they would not even attempt doing
this trick; they’d immediately go for threats and not gentler
tactics. It ticked me off, but I was not about to complain since
they were ready to rely on me. Kakucho was the one to answer
this time, handing me a white paper bag that could fit in the
palm of my hand. “Roofies, get it in his drink and he’ll be out
in no time. The quicker it’s in his system, the faster you’ll be
done.” He closed my hand around the bag then both men stood
there, waiting in silence as I stared at my fist.
Looking up at them, I felt my face heating up from their gaze
but didn’t mention it. “Once he’s drugged, what do you want
me to do?” I asked. As if a bulb had been lit above his head,
Koko grabbed something from the inside of his long coat.
“You make him sign this, and if he refuses, then you take him
out.”
Opening the envelope, I unfolded the papers and read over
them quickly, frowning. “You want his shares of the
company?” “We need them, and the old bastard isn’t up for
negotiation, that’s why you gotta do what you gotta do. Any
other questions or is it finally clear in your head?” The white-
haired man said. I did not know if he was annoyed and bored
or if he was ready to answer more questions if I were to ask
him, but I didn’t try. Instead, I straightened my back and
nodded with a smile, “I’m good. We’ll get him on his knees no
matter what—after all, how could he resist this?” I said
jokingly, gesturing to myself with a confident chuckle.
When neither Koko nor Kakucho laughed, I heard Hanma
laugh and looked at him; with a raised hand he said, “I
wouldn’t babe. Not me.”
As embarrassing as the situation was, I couldn’t help the short
laugh that escaped my lips before I turned around, “We should
get going.” I threw a quick look at Koko and waved at him.
“Well then, have a nice evening!” “Just say bye and leave.” I
heard Kakucho say with a loud sigh before noticing he was
rolling his eyes. Giving him a look of disbelief and annoyance,
I did just that and walked away with only Koko thanking me
on my way out.
Once I was back in the large casino room I had been in just
before, I felt overwhelmed by all the music and people talking.
After all, the hall we were just in was so quiet before
Takeomi’s arrival that it had been deafening, even with my
earlier outburst. Now that I was just standing by the door, I
realized I looked out of it and quickly got a hold of myself. I
looked at my side and noticed Hanma standing right next to
me, “Didn’t Koko say you should—” “Don’t give a shit what
he said, come on.” He then took my hand in his large one and
led me to one of the corner seats on the side of the room. He
sat down first before pointing at the seat for me to join him.
I was hesitant to do so, it could ruin whatever chances I had to
get Arata’s attention and yet I wanted to listen to Hanma, to sit
by his side. Placing the papers on the table, I rested my hands
on it without sitting down, “I need to talk to Arata, Shuji.”
“Hanma, Shuji, you gotta pick one babe.” He said with a smirk
right before grabbing my wrist and forcefully sitting me down
next to him. His arm immediately settled on the back of my
seat as he grazed his fingers on the nape of my neck. I
immediately remembered calling him Hanma when talking to
Koko, “I didn’t know if I could call you by your first name—
how was I supposed to know you’d prefer that to Hanma when
it’s a professional setting? I’m not a mind-reader, Shuji.” I
explained, slightly frustrated at his passive-aggressiveness.
Without looking at him, I grabbed the papers from the table
and started reading over them again until Hanma snatched
them out of my hands, making me swear under my breath.
“‘Hanma’ sounds like you’re my captive.” He started slowly
then leaned in, his lips brushing over the shell of my ear, “But
you’re here entirely out of your free will, make it clear you’re
in for the long run, babe.” The sudden feeling of his tongue on
the lobe of my ear startled me but I didn’t move. Instead, I
focused solely on the feeling of his teeth grazing my skin
before biting it along with the earring he had attached, “Show
them how much you love me.” He whispered seductively. That
alone made me turn around suddenly, forgetting he was biting
on my ear and hissing as he let go from my sudden movement.
“You like having that over me, huh?” I asked rhetorically,
getting my face up close to his in what I thought would make
him move further but he approached his too. I continued,
“You’re fucking elated that you could make me do anything
now, that your little game is bearing fruit, isn’t that right?” I
hissed, knowing full well I had made a mistake when I let my
eyes look down at his lips when he smirked.
Without making a move, Hanma grinned widely and laughed,
“Look at you acting all tough and shit when moments ago you
were ready to have me eat you out.” When he leaned in, his
lips were now ghosting over mine as his hand gripped the back
of my neck painfully, a gasp escaping my lips at the feeling of
his cold fingers on my skin. “And I wonder, wouldn’t my
tough girl have let me continue if Takeomi hadn’t been the one
to interrupt us? Cause you wanna show off, anyone can see
that. So…” his tone lowered and he looked me dead in the
eyes, that mischievous gleam replacing the one of anger,
“What if I had fucked you in front of Ran?” Without missing a
beat, I stopped him right there by saying his name in a warning
tone, “Shuji.”
It made him laugh, his eyes flickering to each of mine, trying
to read me. I feared he could understand what I really thought
of that suggestion, I didn’t want to tell him and it seems I
didn’t need to. “Shit, you would like that!” He exclaimed,
leaning back at the sudden realization—I quickly grabbed his
tie to stop him from talking any louder. “I didn’t say that, I
never said that, don’t start imagining things when you’re the
one projecting—” I tried to defend myself but was cut off
when Hanma pressed his lips hungrily on mine, his hands
finding their way to my hips. There was no hesitation on his
grip as he tried to pull me on his lap but even as I kissed him
back, I moved his hands away from my form and sat back
properly. Before I could utter one word, he laughed maniacally
for a moment before dropping to something low, “There’s a
lotta shit you don’t say, but this one takes the fucking cake,”
gripping my jaw with enough force to make me look at him,
he continued, “and you know I do love games, but we also
know you lose when I fuck you, yeah? So, how fun would it
be to make you lose in front of Ran? Having you scream my
fucking name in front of him, that way you won’t forget it—
and he’ll know you’re mine.”
“That’s fucked up.” I stated, my eyes locked on his.
Slowly a smile made its way to his lips, “That’s how you like
it, right?”
I was so focused on his speech that I hadn’t noticed his hand
had traveled up my thigh until I felt his finger graze between
my legs; I quickly grabbed his wrist to stop him, but didn’t
move his hand right away. For a few moments, none of us said
anything, he simply looked down at my hand holding his wrist
then back at me. “Say it, tell me how much you love my
insane and fucked up mind. Say it and I’ll stop, admit we’re
both as fucked up just because you’re staying after all I made
you go through.” “What if I can’t say it?” I said just as fast; his
grip on my thigh lessened, then he unhooked my hand from
his wrist and looked down at me with an almost bored
expression. It had been the wrong move to say that, so I
covered it up. “What’s fucked up with staying by your side?
That’s what—that’s my problem, I don’t know if it’s fucked up
because you said you would protect me, right?”
He looked at me without saying anything.
I took it as my cue to continue, to defend myself, “No one else
would get me and it’s safer with you—we both know that, but
if you needed to hear it again, here!” I said with a huff.
When Hanma didn’t reply, I stood up mumbling that I would
be taking care of the chairman and just as I turned around, he
took my hand in his, stopping me. Slowly, I turned to him and
saw him smiling from ear to ear, “You’ll get there, princess.
Don’t give up on your dreams,” He cooed mockingly before
standing, “Give it some time and I’ll break you so good you
won’t recognize yourself,” my hand was brought to his lips as
he kissed the back of it, “And I’ll be right there when you’ll be
begging for me to build you back up—shaping you into
exactly who you should be.” With my hand still in his, he
cradled my face in his hands and pressed a strangely tender
kiss on my lips, “That day I’ll ask you again.”
He didn’t need to continue for me to understand, he was
convinced that when the day comes I’ll tell him we’re the
same.
And while his words should be scary, I couldn’t help but cling
onto his promise of staying by my side even when I’d break
down, even when I would be out of control—a control he’d
have ripped out of me himself.
Or perhaps at this point, a control I’d have given him out of
my own volition.
As I walked away from him and made my way to the bar to
get a drink for Arata and myself, I found myself thinking
that…
Somehow, it didn’t feel off to have him toy with me.
Maybe I liked being his puppet, his doll.
Chapter End Notes

Hanma nation, how are we feeling? First, check out the

Valentine’s day Sanzu fic I posted on the 14th, it’s
beautiful…
Second! Looksies looksies what’s happening-ies….How
peculiar, how….angsty! Thoughts on drugging people?
Thoughts on the chapter? As usual I’d like to thank Din
for beta’ing my fic, but also I’d like to remind you all of
the little server I have for 18+ people that need a place to
talk about horny tokyorev shit. Join me on Twitter!
@PhysicalTurian
Words : 10 129
Added on 17th February 2022
 Chapter 17
Chapter Notes

Warning : Mention of assault - Victim blaming -

Desecrating
I do believe the fic is getting darker, beware. I suppose.
Do not be afraid to tell me to tag it more.
See the end of the chapter for more notes

“I would like whatever drink makes me look less suspicious.”

was what I wanted to ask the bartender when I arrived at the
bar, only I couldn’t ask that. Since they were busy taking
someone else’s order, I started mulling over an idea that would
either make me look powerful or like an utter idiot—seeing
one of the bartenders walk my way, I had to make a hasty
decision and quickly greeted her. “Two champagne flutes,
please.” then a sweet smile. The woman behind the counter
nodded and asked if I wanted the bottle and two glasses
instead. I felt embarrassed for not asking for that instead, but
simply grinned, “You know what? Absolutely, a bottle and two
glasses it is!” I told her with enthusiasm. Inside I was dying, I
wanted to run away, but when she chuckled, I felt a short-lived
wave of relief travel my body.
Short-lived since, as she handed me what I ordered, she asked,
“How would you like to pay?” Instant panic filled my being, I
was about to look behind me to call Hanma but instead chose
the more risky choice, “Do you know the man sitting behind
me, in the corner?” I asked. Her eyes focused somewhere
behind me, her expression turning from guarded, perhaps
thinking I was going to need some help, to scared—yet she
composed herself right in front of me, so I continued, “I am
here with him.” “Right, sorry, I didn’t know. No need to pay.”
She chuckled nervously, pushing the bottle towards me with a
tensed smile on her lips. “It’s alright, no harm done.” I
mirrored her smile to reassure her, although from how on edge
she looked, I hardly believed it worked.
Once I bid her goodbye, I walked back to Hanma’s table and
placed the glasses down on the table, then started unscrewing
the bottle, “I don’t know how the thing Kakucho gave me
dissolves, but bubbles are a good idea to hide whatever is
going on there, right?” I asked, looking up Hanma while
twisting open the cork, slowly but surely to not make it pop
too loudly. He did not answer at first, all he did was look at me
with a mischievous smile on his lips as he reached for one of
the empty glasses to his mouth, “He’ll be fine whatever you
give him,” he then spat in the glass and put it back on the
table, resting his elbow on it, “I mean, at first. If he doesn’t
cooperate…” He punctuated his sentence by bringing his
thumb to his throat and gesturing killing him off.
I was too stunned by him spitting in the glass to say anything
—a surprised gasp escaped my lips when the bottle opened
with a pop, startling me, “Shit!” Quickly, I put the bottle out of
reach and let the bubbles flow out and onto the floor, throwing
a glance at Hanma, “And how am I supposed to go up to him?
What the fuck am I supposed to say to that sexagenarian
weirdo?” “Looking like that, you won’t need to say much.” he
commented, licking his thumb as he reached for me. I didn’t
move, trusting he wouldn’t do anything weird then felt him
press on my shoulder, “Though I don’t think he likes blood as
much as you do, so let’s clean you up a bit, yeah?” he laughed,
repeating the action and making sure to look me in the eyes as
he licked the blood from his fingers and went at it again.
Rapidly, I placed my hand on my shoulder to see if there was
any blood left. When my hand came back spotless, I thought
it was done; Hanma, however, stood up and shook his head.
“Pour the drinks, I’ll get you clean.” He smiled, a smile too
sweet for the kind of man he was and yet I basked in that
strange sweetness.
Handing him a napkin, he took it but did not use it. Instead, he
wrapped his arms lazily around my waist, leaving my arms
free, and I felt the warmth of his mouth on the back of my
shoulder. It had been stupid of me to have started pouring at
that moment since his action made me react instantly, spilling
champagne out of the drink. Even after swearing under my
breath, I didn’t clean it up right away. I finished pouring the
drinks while being all too aware of his tongue traveling that
small spot on my skin over and over again. His chest was also
pressed against my back while his hands held me steadily at
the hips now, nails digging ever so lightly in my dress. There
was no way I’d admit it out loud, but I was enjoying his little
act a bit too much, something he must have understood when
he finally stopped everything and tilted my head back against
his chest, forcing me to open my eyes.
“Done.” He grinned lazily, his eyes darting everywhere across
my face, ignoring the way my mouth was half-open… inviting
him. “I cleaned up my mess, now clean up yours.” He
smirked, bringing the napkin in front of my eyes and dropping
it on my face before stepping back, fully letting go of me. I
was fast to grab it and look at him over my shoulder with a
frown before huffing and wiping the glasses down with a look
of disbelief on my face as he sat back down. “You just—I…” I
let out a huffed laugh and shook my head, “You are, really…”
I couldn’t finish my sentences, not only from how flustered I
was, but also from the lack of words to describe him at this
moment. What was he? An asshole for not kissing me? For not
fucking me in a hallway? Or a flirt for touching me like that in
public? An idiot, maybe, for acting so intimately, knowing we
both knew that I had to flirt with a random man. It’d be a bit
hypocritical of me to call him an idiot after being the one to
fall in love, wouldn’t it? I scoffed to myself.
“Yeah? I’m what? The music’s loud babe, you’ll have to speak
up.” He said with too much pride, leaning back on the seat
with his arms open wide on it. With my head held high, I
grabbed the two drinks and handed him the one with spit in it,
wordlessly asking him to drop the roofies in. With the slowest
pace, he grabbed the plastic bag from the table and opened it
before dropping the tablet in the drink, “Thank you.”
Quickly placing a hand in front of my thigh to stop me instead
of grabbing my arm, Hanma asked again, “What am I, hm?”
Pushing his hand away, I looked down at him, “An animal.” I
was going to argue my point but walked away to find the
chairman instead, Hanma’s laugh echoing behind my back. I
did not have time to spare, time was not stopping and the night
was not so young anymore. The more normal people were
starting to leave, allowing more underground people to come
in. The mood was slowly shifting into something less
comfortable, less welcoming.
It was hard to find one specific man amidst a sea of men that
all looked alike: balding, business-like looking, the same outfit
too. That was something I could praise Bonten on, it was the
way they held themselves when not together. They had some
poise, and as much as I wanted to tear them on the topic, their
suits were not half-bad; it surely made it easier to recognize
them.
I could see Rindou talking to some men at a table while
playing blackjack and quickly looked elsewhere when I caught
his head moving to look at me. So I hurried my pace while still
holding myself properly, head high and steps as relaxed as
they could be. “Well missy, are we in a hurry? Why are you
running around like that?” A voice I was somewhat familiar
with grabbed my arm, almost making me spill my drinks. I
held back from insulting the person and chose to turn around
slowly instead, smiling politely, “I’m sorry, you are?” It was
Arata, clearly he had an eye for finding the youngest women
in the room, even more so when they were alone. “Shouishirou
Arata—ah, but you can call me Shou. I’ve been watching you
walk around for a while now and,” he pointed at his eye and
winked, “I have an eye for the pretty things, join me.” Half-
turning, he opened one arm towards his table where some
other men were sitting. If I had to drug the man, I couldn’t
have him pass out in front of his friends; I needed to find a
way out.
With one subtle glance towards Hanma’s table, I saw one that
was empty right next to his, “You’re lucky I’m fond of well-
aged wine.” It made me sick to even say those words but it
seemed to do the trick, so I added to it, “We should find a table
alone, here.” I looked at the two drinks in my hands and for a
moment hesitated. Shit, which one is the good one? Think! You
put the glasses on the table, Shuji took one and spat in it, then
he started touching you—fuck him for doing that, I forgot
which one it is! I panicked in my head for a short few seconds,
if I took any more time it’d look suspicious so I handed him a
glass and did not drink from mine yet. If I could have him
drink both, it’ll be fine, right?
Arata made sure to graze his fingers over mine as he took the
flute, it was hard to not make a disgusted face when he did so
but I managed fairly well, “Follow me.” I smiled, nodding to
the empty table and meeting Hanma’s gaze on the way, my
eyes lingering on his for a few seconds. I wanted to smile at
him but only averted my eyes to look at the table once more. It
wasn’t right how much I wanted to do good at this moment,
how much I wanted to prove myself to him. This feeling in my
chest was not only one of longing because I wanted to be by
his side, because I wanted him to flaunt me for some sick
reason, but also one of fear. Fear of disappointing him, a fear
that could become reality if I did not manage to drug the man
that now sat next to me, a hand on my thigh.
It was gross, unwelcomed, dry and made me feel like a prey
even if I was the one preying on him, targeting him. “So, what
do you do—” I barely had time to ask him a question that he
was leaning in to kiss me; quickly, I grabbed a glass and
placed it between us, tutting him with a smirk, “Who’s the one
hurrying now? Please, drink.” I raised a hand to call someone
over at our table and until they arrived, Arata spoke up, “It’s
not fun if we’re not both drunk, let’s raise a toast!” He said,
handing me the other glass. Taking it, I shook my head, “They
were gifted to me, I’m more of a red wine gal myself. I’ll tell
you what—” a waiter interrupted us, so I ordered us a bottle of
wine and a glass of whatever Arata was having, although I did
not listen. I watched the waiter walk away, then looked back at
the old man in front of me, “It’d be a shame to let it go to
waste,” I sighed, bringing the glass slowly to my lips, “but I’ll
finish it before enjoying a nice glass of wine in your
company.” I smiled sweetly, letting the champagne touch my
lips. Arata gently took the glass from my hand and placed it
down, finishing his own glass first. “Oh no, no, don’t drink it
—I’ll do it, you enjoy the most expensive wine I can possibly
offer to someone as beautiful as you.”
Seeing him take the second glass gave me the challenge of not
looking at him like a hawk, of taking in each of his actions, his
movements. Once he’d drunk that glass, whatever happened
would be on me. I’d have to live with the weight of drugging
someone on my conscience. Drugging someone without even
trying to talk to them, without even considering trying
anything, I’d have to live knowing I took the easy way out of a
situation that I didn’t even care about. “The most expensive? I
would play coy, but I can see from your stature that you’re a
wealthy man, so…” I placed a hand on his shoulder, all too
aware that Hanma could hear us—he was probably listening
intently, and I felt too self-conscious about whatever I was
doing, hesitant to do anything. “I’d only expect to be treated
with the best, I’m sure you could do that. Right?” I moved my
hand to his bicep and smiled, “You could give me the best of
the best, mh?” I hummed, my eyes traveling up and down his
body very slowly.
He seemed to be a bit off already with one hand to his neck,
lessening the knot of his tie. He brought the glass to his mouth
and chugged the rest of it, probably feeling warm, “I like my
women honest, straightforward, it’s a big turn on.” He
chuckled, placing his hand on mine. A shiver of disgust ran
through my entire body at the ickiness of his hand along the
scraping of his too long nails.
A few more minutes. Just hold on for a few more minutes, let it
take effect, I kept repeating in my head like a mantra.
“Is that so?” I hummed in a sultry tone, looking behind him
when the waiter arrived with the wine we had ordered. He
poured a small quantity at first for us to taste, but I told him to
pour me an entire glass, which he did hesitantly. Once he was
done, he placed the bottle neatly on the table, wishing us to
enjoy the evening then he was gone. Grinning at Arata, I took
a small gulp of wine, “I find myself a lot more frisky after a
few glasses of wine, myself.” his eyes widened at my words, I
even felt his hand gripping my thigh tighter, “And I’m very
thirsty.” I added, finishing my glass in a few gulps before
freeing my hand from his and pouring myself another drink. I
already had a few glasses earlier, and perhaps that’s how I
found the strength to be like this with him, but even if I was
faking interest, I felt uneasy. I hated doing this, it felt wrong,
even more so if it was to waste time to have the man pass out
in my arms—would I even be able to get him outside without
getting caught?
His eyes traveled up and down my body before settling on my
chest. I wanted to cover myself, push him aside and get away,
making sure to tell everyone how fucking gross he was—but I
couldn’t. I was pushing him to act like that, it was all part of
the plan.
But that so badly conceived plan didn’t say he’d be handsy.
Arata moved his hand to my arm and slid down my sleeve,
leaning over to kiss my shoulder. He smelled wretched, his
lips dry and another ick crawled up my body, it was hard not
to shiver from how repelling he was, “We have the whole
night… you know, it’s nice to see you dressed pretty for once.”
His speech was starting to be slurred, inarticulate from the
drug slowly taking effect. His words caught me off guard, but
I played it safe and chuckled, gently moving his face away
from me, “What do you mean, Shou?”
“You work at Silas&Sons, I’ve seen you around,” He started,
his eyes slow to blink as he spoke, his smile broadening in
way that made it all unsettling, “I kept thinking when I saw
you, if she didn’t dress like a feminist, I’m sure she’d be a
looker—and I was right!” Whatever happened to this man in
his life could probably be blamed on how he ran his mouth off,
or how little he cared that his words were completely
inappropriate. If that was his way of flirting, no wonder he was
single. Backhanded compliments never truly were my thing,
but neither were men like him, yet here I was. Doing all of
those things simply so that the man I had taken a liking to
could be proud of me.
“Oh, it’s true, I do work there—oh, I knew you seemed
familiar, you’re one of the chairmen!” I exclaimed in fake
surprise, giggling, making myself sick in the process. But he
was buying it, eating straight from my palm. “Guilty as
charged, haha.” He slurred, leaning over once more, his lips
resting on my shoulder, an action that he stopped to lean back
and look at me, “Did you hurt yourself?” He asked, trying to
look at my back, there was something on my shoulder blade
that had alerted him. “You have a bruise…” “Ah, right!” I
quickly said. It did not take me long to understand how it had
gotten there, the most surprising was that I hadn’t felt him do
it when he was cleaning up the blood. Or perhaps I was so
dazed by his touch, his presence, that I chose to ignore
whatever he was doing to focus on the feeling of his touch…
I’m sure Hanma was laughing right now, I had to lie to cover
up that little mark he had left and that was peak entertainment
to him. “I’m a bit clumsy, see those hand dryers in the
restroom?” He nodded, smiling sleepily. Funny how even as
he’s losing control of himself, his hands still find themselves on
my hips, I thought with disdain. “I was startled by a woman
leaving the stall and bumped into it, truly a stupid story if you
ask me.” I explained, making him chuckle. His head was
lolling forward and he was mumbling something but I couldn’t
quite catch what he said since his head hit my chest and soon
enough, he passed out. I tried to move him off of me by
grabbing his face, but all I managed to do was feel his sweaty
face—except from that, he wasn’t moving. He was a dead
weight.
I waited a moment to make sure he was fully passed out, then
hit the back of the seat with force, “Shuji, get him.” I said loud
enough for him to hear, but not enough for others to think
there was a problem. Thinking Hanma was listening, I waited
for him to get up and help me but he didn’t. I had the full
weight of a grown man on my body but couldn’t escape
because of the table and he was not helping. With a sigh, I
repeated my actions, except this time it was done with more
anger and stress was rising in my chest from fear of getting
caught. This time, I tried to reach over the seat to touch
Hanma and when my fingers grazed his hair, I gripped it and
grunted, “Will you please help me out?”
That’s all he needed to hear to force my hand out of his hair
and get up. At first he rested his elbows on top of the seat,
looking down at our two laid forms on the bench seat, “You
look pathetic like that, it’s funny. I don’t know if I’ll help.” He
shrugged, so I hit his arm and frowned at him, “You said to
drug him! I did that, so get him off of me. He’s disgusting and
—” Patting the exposed part of my chest, I winced in disgust,
“And he’s drooling, please get him off of me!” I insisted, this
time I heard the desperation in my voice. I was trying to hide it
but it felt oppressing to not be able to do anything, to be
paralysed by the weight on my body. I was starting to get
warmer from the panic but before it could go wrong, I got a
reaction out of Hanma who stood up with a sing-song sigh, his
hand caressing the seat as he walked around it and stood in
front of us, “My helpless little doll cannot get rid of her
victims?” He cooed mockingly, a playful smile on his lips.
Meeting his eyes, I insisted this time without words and he
huffed a silent laugh before dragging the man halfway off the
seat before hurling him onto his shoulders, “Get up.” His
expression now dead serious. I didn’t need to be told twice
that I was on my feet, trying to hide the man Hanma was
holding. But it was all in vain when he opened the door to the
corridor from which we came, and told me to go ahead.
Rolling my eyes, I gestured for him to go ahead, “I’m walking
behind because you’re not discrete, you go ahead.”
“It’s not discrete ‘cause you have the exact face someone
would have after drugging someone for the first time.” He said
off-handedly, stepping in front of me with the utmost calm. I
wanted to laugh at how at ease he was in such a situation, but I
couldn’t help but feel everyone’s gaze on us. Looking around
before closing the door, I quickly understood I was making up
scenarios in my head since everyone seemed to be busy and
unaware of what had happened.
Once we were in the quiet corridor, I spoke up again. “It feels
wrong.”
“Yeah? That’s cause you let that man assault you instead of
forcefeeding him that fucking pill.”
I stopped dead in my tracks when his voice reached my ears.
What could I say to that? I wasn’t talking about it like that, but
also how could he say such a thing when I did it so his little
gang could get what they needed? How could he be so rude
and yet… somewhat right? I didn’t think about it for one
second as I was doing it, but it was also wrong to have let him
be this handsy with me, no matter how much I argued it was
for the plan. My chest was suddenly heavier, I needed to take a
deep breath before answering him.
“I was talking about drugging him. That feels wrong.”
Suddenly, he turned around and smiled in a way that was
anything but sweet, “Now’s not the time to have a working
moral compass, doll. You killed people, don’t draw the line at
drugging them, yeah?” He then wrapped a hand around my
bicep and yanked me to start walking by his side. Shaking his
hand off my arm, I huffed in outrage, “Killing was different! It
—it was fast. I didn’t… I didn’t have time… to feel the guilt
much.” I mumbled the last part, shaking my head to focus on
something else. He was right, now was not the time to think
about this, no matter how strong the feeling of guilt was and
how much it made me sick. But my words made Hanma laugh,
a loud boisterous laugh that somehow brightened the mood
and darkened it at the same time. “Time was too slow for your
liking? I’m sure if you had closed your eyes and enjoyed his
touch it would have gone faster, doll.”
Another hit, another attack, another spike in my chest—or so I
thought—but even if his words hurt, there was something he
wasn’t saying, something I had to understand but didn’t seem
to get. Instead of trying to understand him, I defended myself
from his uncalled attack, “I did what I thought was the easiest
thing to do, okay? The moment he had a hand on me I felt
fucking sick, do you get that? Do you know how hard it was
for me too? It was what, 20 minutes? And it felt like fucking
hours—and he didn’t even do shit!” I said, meaning people
had it worse than I did.
“Didn’t do shit?” Hanma reiterated my words, turning around
and stopping me by placing a hand in front of me, “Didn’t do
shit you say? He put his fucking hands on you, that’s
something—shit, you should’ve heard yourself,” he then
smiled fakely and mimicked my voice, “You’re lucky I’m fond
of well-aged wine, I get more horny when I’m drunk on wine,”
Hanma then leaned over and looked me dead in the eyes, his
tone now empty of anything, “If it had taken any longer, you’d
have stripped out of your dress, I’m sure.”
Tears of embarrassment prickled in the corner of my eyes as
my face heated up, but I did not avert my eyes. I kept my
voice steady, my ideas clear and I said, “It’s called lying. It’s
called playing along. It’s called giving men what they want so
they don’t get violent. I needed to get him to drink, I got him
to drink.” I then stepped closer and gripped his jaw tight, like
he did oh so many times to me, “I don’t know if you’re acting
insecure or just like a piece of shit, but either way pick a side
—either you tell me I’m a whore for letting him touch me, or
you tell me I’m a victim, but you can’t attack me on both
sides.” Then I let go of him. What did I expect by opening up?
Why did I tell him it felt wrong? What could he even do to
help?
After staring at each other for a moment, Hanma resumed his
determined stride and led us outside. I made sure to stay one
step behind him to check if Arata woke up but perhaps also
because I didn’t want to be by Hanma’s side after his
overreaction. Being able to blame me after I had done the job
was quite hypocritical, there was no setback, no problem. So
why was he mad?
The sound of the car door brought me out of my reverie as
Hanma gestured for me to get in the passenger seat. Doing just
that, I gripped the door to balance myself and got in; I barely
had time to sit when the door was slammed shut. Soon after,
Hanma was seated next to me in the driver’s seat and was
resting his head on his forearms that were now placed on the
steering wheel. A silence settled. I did not want to fasten my
seat belt thinking it’d ruin his moment so I waited, mute, not
one word escaping my lips. He was quick to break that silence.
“Next time don’t let anyone touch you, I don’t care what’s the
plan.” Hanma looked up and gestured at my form, startling me
when he continued with an anger that was not aimed at me, “I
let you do your shit, but it’s the last time I do that. Look at
you! Fucking tense just cause that bastard put his hands on
you.” Pushing his hand down, I furrowed my brows and
corrected him, “I told you I’m only tense because I don’t know
how to feel about drugging a man.” But he never listened since
it was always about him so I continued, with a challenging
tone this time, and maybe a dash of desperation, “And if
you’re that mad that he touched me, fix it! Do something
about it! You’re the one who talked about conditioning me,
right?” This time, it clicked in my head and my voice dropped,
now wavering slightly, “So fix me, because I feel icky, I feel
dirty and I don’t like that feeling at all.” I finished, on the
verge of crying.
Tears were threatening to fall ever since he had made me
realize that it was technically an assault, but I still felt like it
was supposed to be treated as nothing because I hadn’t tried to
stop him. It was on me, I was to blame, it had been my entire
fault and there was no lasting damage; all that I was feeling
was gross, I needed to shower and it’d be alright, I’m sure. So
I looked straight ahead and clenched my jaw after wiping the
corner of my eyes. Crying wouldn’t help, and yet it seemed
like a recurring position I’d be in when I was in his car. With
him by my side. “What do you want me to do about it?” He
said without any melody to his voice, his head also looking
ahead.
Throwing him a look, I wanted to tell him to kiss me, to touch
me more than Arata did, to erase any feeling of that bastard’s
hands on mine. But Hanma seemed out of it. I did not know if
he was angry or annoyed, or none of those, I couldn’t read him
at this instant. I wanted to reach out for him, to tell him to
keep me as his pet project, but I did not know how it’d go.
So I fastened my seatbelt and scoffed, “I’m done begging for
tonight, I don’t know why you’re mad at me when it went
well.” “Wouldn’t you be mad if someone kept touching up
your piece of art while you’re painting it?” He asked in
disbelief and with some thundering tone to his voice. There
was only a short pause between his speech, but long enough
for him to force me to look at him, his hand gripping my jaw
roughly, “I can’t have you break yet, do you get that?” He
brought his face closer to mine, this time his eyes seemed to be
drowned in something close to worry but his smirk wasn’t
portraying that at all. It was malicious, and I hated being on
the receiving end of that smile. “I’m not patient enough to start
all over just cause you thought it’d be necessary to be
assaulted for the job!” He hissed this time, his hold on my face
tightening just for a moment before he released it.
Just as his hand fell, I gripped it with force and brought it to
my chest to hold it, “Ok, feel my heartbeat.” I started. He
splayed his hand on my chest and waited, it was beating fast
from how riled up I was right now, “Do you realize you
blamed me for every fucking time Ran assaulted me? That
you’re mad I did the job like I was asked to? I’m pretty sure
you once threatened me to never fuck up an errand so… do
you realize how selfish you are to get mad at me for doing the
job right?” I said in the calmest tone, his eyes widening only a
few moments before turning his face completely
expressionless. “So yes, as you can feel, I’m angry too and
yet, I’m not yelling at you. I’m not blaming you for shit.” I
finally stated.
Hanma, of course, did not listen to much and only smirked,
“Then get mad, lose your temper. We’d be on the same level—
not that you’d care since you’re so much better than me for not
letting your feelings take over.” He cooed mockingly.
Hanma moved his hand from my chest to my face and splayed
it on my cheek, “Cause you know, I’d apologize for what I
said, but now I’m curious,” His fingers threaded through my
hair and he tilted my head to the side with force, “Why are you
surprised that I’m selfish?” Then he bit my neck, the pressure
much stronger than he’d ever used before—it made me cry out
in pain. He didn’t seem to care and continued, “Is it really
better to act all tough and shit instead of screaming your anger
out? Aren’t you frustrated? Aren’t you furious that I blamed
you? You are, so scream. Let it all out, hit me, tell me how you
really feel.” He hissed, smiling maliciously but never letting
go of me. If anything, his grip only got tighter and he
approached his face to chuckle tauntingly. “Give me a show,
doll.”
It had done the trick.
I don’t know how he had made it so easy to get under my skin,
I don’t know when I let him get such a strong hold on me, but
he had it. And he knew how to use it. “Stop. I know what
you’re doing, I’m not falling for it. Take it all back.” I
whispered, looking away even if I could not move my head.
He laughed once again, sending shame coursing through my
body. “All? What is all? Those late nights with your legs
around my hand? Or those with my dick in your mouth?”
“None! Why do you bring those things up! I don’t regret any
of that shit if that’s what you’re acting insecure about! I’m just
asking you to stop being a piece of shit!” I finally let out in
anger, hating that he was talking about things that had no need
to be mentioned here, “Everything was going well earlier and
now you’re just—just being rude for no damn reason! All I
wanted was for you to touch me so I could forget that man’s
disgusting hands on me… I wanted to kiss you, maybe even
make out, I don’t know!” I continued, forcing his hand away
from my face to turn around and stop looking at him, not
caring about his reaction. I was also looking away because his
words had hurt me, and I was now crying. After having fought
those tears for so long, they had won and were now running
down my cheeks.
I continued on my stride, speaking faster and less clearly from
the tears, “Because the entire night I wanted to fuck you and
you acted all high and mighty—and now I’m the problem?!
How much more do you need me to submit to be satisfied,
Shuji? I’ve begged for you to fuck me, to touch me, and you
still manage to find something to fuck with me.” “Finally.” He
sighed before forcing a kiss on my lips—the surprise made me
whimper, his tongue entering my mouth without hesitation as
it explored it.
Why was I kissing back after all he had said?
Why was my heart lighter with his lips on mine?
Both of us cradled the other’s face, desperate for some touch,
for some warmth but I didn’t know if he wanted it or if he was
playing with me. Either way, I needed it.
It made the bad thoughts go away and for just a few moments,
there was a calm in my head if not for the constant panic of
why he was kissing me now of all times.
Finally breaking the kiss, Hanma pulled back, a string of
saliva connecting our lips, “Doesn’t it feel better now that it’s
all out?” He asked with a fake sweet smile—something almost
condescending. I stared at him in silence and tilted forward
only slightly, it was enough to make him smile and meet my
lips once more, kissing me more passionately than earlier’s
desperate, desperate kiss. “Greedy, needy, angry, I like that a
lot more than when you’re composed.” He breathed against
my lips, our noses brushing roughly against one another as he
dipped his head once more to mine, laughing darkly in the kiss
that I returned recklessly, eagerly, impatiently. So much so I
pushed him without ever breaking the kiss, having undone my
seatbelt, and started to move to straddle him, “What? D’you
mean you disrespected me just to make me lose it?” I asked
out of breath before kissing him again, with smaller kisses this
time but the hunger and the need for him remained at each
peck. I needed him to balance, to regulate this outburst of
emotions he had caused. And the only way to do it was to feel
him, in my core I was convinced it was the best and fastest
way to deal with the situation. And feeling his hands raise the
hem of my dress quickly demonstrated it to be the best choice.
“Believe me or don’t, I don’t give two shits cause you’ll thank
me later.” He chuckled. Once I was seated on his lap after he
had slid his seat back to give me more room, he grabbed the
back of my thighs and pulled me right against his crotch. As
he did so, I glanced at the backseat and was hit by a whiplash
upon seeing the man passed out in the weird position Hanma
had left him in when throwing him there. Just like a cold
shower, whatever hot thoughts I had about the man I was
straddling were gone down the drain, “It’s not polite to stare.”
Hanma berated playfully before tilting my head towards him,
kissing me with a toothy grin, “What? Your little attention-
seeking kink doesn’t work when they’re passed out or dead?
It’s a shame really, that’s something I could definitely get
behind.” It was good that he could still surprise me, and I’m
sure he would still do so a lot more as long as I stuck with
him, but I don’t think I was ready to hear him say he’d be
ready to fuck me around dead bodies.
I did not have time to reply that he started the car, making me
quickly move off of him, “What? Don’t wanna ride my dick
while I’m driving? It’s a must try!” He exclaimed, turning the
wheel with the hand that wasn’t in my way while I sat back on
my seat. Once seated, he stopped me from pulling the hem of
my dress down by placing his free hand on my thigh. Before
he could say anything, I pried his hand off and covered my
skin, “You need both hands to drive, focus on the road.” As I
spoke, I finally paid attention to the road while Hanma drove
off from the casino and I exclaimed in surprise, “Shit, it’s
pouring? When did it start raining like that?” I asked, looking
at the cloud-covered dark sky. Turning around to look at
Hanma, I fastened my seatbelt and asked all while reaching for
my phone in the inside of his jacket, “Where are we going?”
“You’re seeing first-hand how I take care of the bodies, isn’t it
exciting?” He asked with a huge manic grin as he reached in
his pocket himself to hand me my phone.
When I tried to take it, he raised it out of my reach and tutted
me, “Don’t do anything rash—who do you wanna call?” He
asked, now dead serious.
“No one, I need to tell Shiho I left with you. I don’t think
she’ll answer if I call her, so I’ll just text her.” I explained,
quickly taking my phone from his hand and doing exactly
what I said I would. The task was done fast enough that I now
had my phone resting on my lap while I looked at the road in
silence. I was feeling a bit cold from only wearing my dress,
but surely I’ll be home in a few and I’ll be able to get changed
and sleep. All that was said was Hanma muttering under his
breath, “The rain’ll help, it’ll go faster.” Not caring enough to
ask what he was talking about, I closed my eyes and rested my
head against the cold window, trying hard not to think of all
that he had said, of all that had happened tonight.
Doing so was a lot easier when he turned on the radio.
Opening my eyes half-way, I focused on the lyrics while
watching him drum his fingers on the wheel, his elbow resting
on the window while his head rested on his fist. He looked
bored, but I would be too if I had to drive this late to take care
of things I did not want to—or at least I assumed he wasn’t
enjoying doing it, which could be a wrong assumption of
mine. Even if he had carried a grown adult on his shoulder and
beat up a guy, his suit was almost speckless if not for the few
droplets of blood on his white shirt that had probably
splattered when punching Takeomi over and over again.
Seeing how he could act as if nothing had happened at all, not
even our fight in the car, made me wonder what could throw
him off. Killing would not faze him, drugging people clearly
was not uncommon seeing how off-handedly he acted when I
mentioned it feeling weird.
But I wanted to see him break too… I wanted to see what
would be the last straw.
What would make him lose it to the point of tears? The mere
fact that the question crossed my mind caught me off guard
and made me look away from his beautiful face. I could not
allow myself to think of such a question because those were
things that I would usually never think of. I needed to get my
mind back to some sort of normalcy—but I had had that
monologue already, the one about what was normal anymore.
Redefining my routine, what was now part of my day to day,
would help me get through it better, right? Sighing, I covered
my eyes with one hand as I mimicked Hanma and placed my
elbow against the window. What had happened in their lives to
make them so desensitized to the crimes they were
committing? I knew personally that my tolerance for gruesome
things was getting higher, but I also knew I was far from the
entirety of Bonten’s tolerance. They were not as careless as
they were disinterested, indifferent to their own crimes.
“You’re thinking so loud I can almost hear your thoughts, stop
it.” Hanma complained, never looking at me.
“It? Thinking? How am I supposed to stop thinking, Shuji?”
Throwing me a side glance, Hanma smirked, suddenly
speeding up the car under the pouring rain. The action in itself
scared me, the road was slippery and he had decided to
accelerate thinking it was fun; I knew that’s what he was
thinking from the manic grin on his lips. I immediately
grabbed my seatbelt and held onto it tight, tentatively reaching
for his arm to grab it and get his attention. With a fearful tone,
I called out his name and said, “Slow down now, it’s
dangerous—” “I know! But you trust me, right?” He asked
with something underlying his tone, something that I could
describe as a challenge. If I said no, he’d take it personal. I
stared at him in silence for a short moment, surrounded by
only the sound of the engine and the rain hitting the
windshield so hard it sounded like rocks.
“Enough to trust you wouldn’t kill me, but you’re not against
some theatrics, are you?” I asked, moving my hand away from
him to put both of my hands on my seatbelt, feeling a bit light-
headed from not eating earlier tonight and all the adrenaline
that was coursing through my body at the speed of light.
Without ever slowing down, Hanma only barked out a laugh at
my words. “Like this?” He asked, letting go of the steering
wheel. With wide eyes I lunged forward and gripped the
wheel, pure panic flooding my body as the belt brought a
searing pain when digging in my shoulder from the abrupt
movement. “Yes! Like this! Now take it back!” I yelled, trying
to look at the road. With how fast he was driving and how
much it was raining, the wipers were barely of any use. Hanma
then placed his hand on mine to hold onto the steering wheel
and as the hand closer to my side rose to hold my neck, he
suddenly hit the brakes. The whiplash had the seatbelt dig
further in my skin—my breath caught in my throat, or perhaps
the force at which we had stopped had made my heart jump to
my throat. While it was impossible, it still felt like it as I
slowly brought a hand to my neck and moved Hanma’s. I took
a shaky breath.
When I was sure the car was stopped, I unfastened my seatbelt
and looked away from him, shaken, annoyed, trembling with
adrenaline. Slowly, I rubbed my shoulder and focused on the
sound of the rain on the car, hoping it’ll calm me down, but all
it did was make me wonder, “Why did you do that?” I asked in
a small voice, I had no energy to raise my tone.
Chuckling, Hanma placed a hand behind my head and brought
it to him, kissing my cheek, “You were falling asleep.” He said
sweetly, “Now get out, we have shit to do.” He added, taking
his jacket off as he rolled up his sleeves before opening the car
door.
I took a moment before joining him. First, I let my head hit the
back of the seat and brought my hands to my face, groaning—
I hadn’t had any moment of peace, or rest, in so long I was
starting to burn out. All I wanted was one day without
anything, any errand, any threats, any fear of getting attacked
by someone that was technically on my side. But it was too
much to ask. I knew that. I needed to get myself together. “If
you wanna cry, wait until we’re done. Now get out of the car.”
Hanma called out from the opened trunk, startling me in the
process.
Seeing the rain outside did not give me much will to move, but
I had to. I needed to help him do whatever he had in mind to
do, so I pushed the door open and slammed it shut, the
downpour drenching me in the few seconds it took me to join
Hanma’s side. I had to cover my mouth when seeing the dead
body I had forgotten about in the trunk. Without saying
anything, Hanma grabbed shovels from under the body and
handed one to me, “You take the tarp, you find a fresh grave
and I’ll join you with—” “You’re expecting me to dig a
grave?!” I asked in shock, putting the shovel down against the
car to look at him in disbelief. With a bored gaze, he looked
me up and down before smirking, “I’m so proud you could put
two and two together, well done.” He mocked.
He then grabbed my shin and lifted it, forcing me to hold on to
the open trunk to balance myself, “Those come off.” He said,
taking my shoes off then throwing them on the dead body. He
then gripped the hem of my dress and with a knife that he
grabbed from the trunk, ripped the sides of it and cut it shorter,
“There! My ragged little doll, ready to help.” He said, slapping
my ass before handing me the tarp. I was so caught off guard
by his rapid actions that all I could do was stand in shock, rain
never stopping and making the fabric of my dress stick to my
skin. “Digging a grave takes hours.” “That’s why you’re gonna
stand by one that is freshly dug!” He exclaimed, handing me
the shovel once more.
“I’m not going to desecrate a dead body—I’m not about to dig
up someone’s grave, that’s sick.” “Yeah yeah, heard that
already,” He rolled his eyes, lifting Masato’s body and
throwing it over his shoulder before pushing me out of the way
and slamming the trunk shut, “But we all know how it ends,
don’t we?”
“Not well?” I asked jokingly, already shivering a bit from the
cold and hoping he wouldn’t force me to do exactly what he
wanted me to do. When he smiled, I watched him intently, my
hair now flat on my head from the pouring rain. He ran his
hand through my hair, tucking it behind my ear, “Of course
it’ll end well! I’ll make sure of it. Just smile and have fun.” He
cooed, once more in a mocking manner.
Running my tongue over my teeth annoyedly, I clenched my
jaw before giving him a resigned look. With all the energy I
could muster, I slowly let a smile form on my lips—they said
that when you felt sad, all you had to do was smile and you’ll
slowly feel happier. Maybe if I smiled now, I’ll start to enjoy
doing those morally wrong things with him, right? I tried to
keep my smile sincere, even if it was tiring, and went inside
his pockets to get the keys and lock the doors in case the
chairman woke up and decided to get out, “Do you promise
it’ll go smoothly?” I asked, putting the keys back in his
pockets as we walked towards the cemetery. Seeing how late it
was, there was no one around—but it was just a coincidence,
the time at which we were done drugging the man and the time
at which we arrived here were never calculated. Hanma had
just gone with the feeling, but I was still grateful there was no
one to be seen.
“Dig fast, leave fast. That’s as smooth as it can go.” He said
over his shoulder, walking in front of me to look at the graves
and find the one he wanted to use, like it was a flea market. I
could not believe the situation we were in but here we were, in
the freezing downpour, trying to find the perfect grave to
desecrate to hide a body. For some reason, I let out a laugh as I
swung the shovel back and forth on the side as we walked.
What else could I do but laugh? Tell him no? He was right, I
could not tell him no, I could not step back and leave, I was
too involved now. And why would I draw the line at messing
around with something—someone—that was already dead? I
had killed. What wrong was there in adding ‘gravedigger’ to
my criminal curriculum vitae? Another dark chuckle escaped
my lips, my smile ever so present. “Having fun already?”
Hanma asked, catching my attention, making me look up at
him and shake my head with a smile, “I was just thinking,” I
shrugged, hating the feeling of the wet fabric on my bare arms,
“You know, I really love how you’re testing boundaries! It
truly is the core of our… dynamic. I mean, a month ago I
wouldn’t have imagined myself walking bare-footed in a
muddy cemetery under the pouring rain on my way to bury a
body on top of another one.” I said sarcastically, but also
without much annoyance. If I could make jokes to cope, I
could make it out of here with my sanity.
“It’s a dream come true, Shuji.” I said, leaning over to whisper
it the best I could under the deafening rainstorm.
Something seemed to have lit up in his eyes, a challenge? Or
was he getting in a teasing mood? Whichever it was, he
grinned wickedly and lowered his face, stopping us dead in
our tracks, to reply, “Gotta ease you out of your comfort zone,
babe. How else am I gonna fuck you after a kill if you’re
disgusted by corpses laying around?” “Big plans for a man
who didn’t fuck me in an empty corridor.” I started, placing the
tarp on the ground so he could wrap the body in it. I had to
keep my eyes on Hanma to not throw up when he dropped it
on the floor, “You’re talking big is where I’m getting at. So,
first, fuck me… then I’ll take in consideration everything else
you’ve ever promised. Yeah?” I smiled in fake sweetness,
taunting him. I was utterly thrilled when he smiled with the
pure elation my words brought him, “Hearing you talk like
that—shit, you’re practically begging to be put in your place
and, fuck, if I didn’t have a dead body on my hands I would
have done it right here.” He laughed excitedly before pointing
at the freshly tossed dirt at the head of a tombstone.
I made sure to not look at the name to avoid feeling guilty for
desecrating it; after all, a job needed to be done. I couldn’t
wallow in guilt, not right now at least. With my back to the
tombstone, I started digging with Hanma mirroring in front of
me, both of us now focused on the activity. The little fun we
had a minute ago was now forgotten and we had to hurry in
digging this—two pairs of hands were a lot faster than only
one, but it still gave us hours to dig before getting to the
necessary depth for an additional body to be properly buried.
So we dug and dug. I could feel my movements getting slower
as time went on, my hands freezing and gripping the shovel as
tight as I could to not drop it.
After a long time, we already had to step inside to make it
easier to dig, to easen the pain in our backs. When we stepped
in, I asked with a weary face and small eyes, “How much
deeper?”
He looked up, slicking his drenched hair back with an out of
breath smile, “Until you hit something. Once you do, you grip
me tight and you say ‘we’ve struck gold partner!’, then I’ll
know.” He said with some humor to his words, but it was
clearly dryer than usual. Perhaps he was as tired as I was, so I
didn’t press and continued digging, ignoring the searing pain
in my muscles and how loud my body was telling me to stop
and lay down.
More time went on and nothing was said. Exhaustion was too
strong for any of us to be able to do any small talk, and I
didn’t mind. The repetitive pattern of shoving the shovel in the
ground, pushing it with my heel and lifting it out of the hole
had become so consistent it was soothing, I was losing myself
in it, forgetting to think. After what felt like ages, I heard a
thud coming from Hanma’s side and saw him push more dirt
aside, a white lacquered texture under his feet.
Looking up to meet his gaze, I waited for him to say
something and he just nodded with his chin my way, “Finish
your side, we’re opening it up.” Was all he said. If I hadn’t
been so tired, I’d have told him I couldn’t do that, but as numb
as I was, I nodded and got rid of the remaining dirt. My arms
were shaking as I put the dirt out of the grave and could finally
see the entirety of the white coffin under our feet—seeing how
I was bare-footed on a coffin made the situation even more
disrespectful, so I hurried out of the hole, struggling to lift
myself out of it.
Creaking it open, Hanma raised both his eyebrows at the
stench and got out of the grave too, “He goes in,” He said
pointing at Masato, “Come on, take his feet and aim just
right.” He ordered. I hesitantly walked around, a gooey sound
echoing at each of my steps as mud threaded between my toes,
then I reached the body of Masato and took his feet. Hanma
carried most of the weight once the countdown reached its end
and we lifted the man off the ground. I groaned at how heavy
it was and while staring at the man’s head that was tilted back,
I felt tears building in my eyes. With a shaky breath, I stopped
them from falling and followed Hanma’s gestures to drop the
dead man with a much unnecessary roughness as a strong thud
was heard even through the heavy rain when it hit the body
already buried.
Once that was done, I was ready to shovel the dirt back in but
waited for Hanma to finish what he was doing. He had stepped
inside the grave, both feet on either side of the casket to not
step on the corpses, “Shit, it’s not gonna fit.” He groaned,
closing the casket on his way up. I was confused seeing how
the casket closed properly, we had been lucky enough that the
person buried here was almost as tall as Masato, so what was
the issue?
A dry laugh escaped my lips at finding two dead bodies being
the same height a relief.
“Stay here, I’m gonna grab the rest.” Hanma said, grazing his
hand from my shoulder to my back quickly before walking to
the car. I wanted to relish in his touch but I couldn’t; I could
barely feel my body from the cold but I was still aware of how
drenched I was. I was also more than aware of what we had
just done.
Staring at the grave in a trance, I took in Masato’s features but
did not really observe. I only let my eyes bore on his colorless,
lifeless face—the more I stared, the faster my heart was
beating and the more I wanted to let it all out. And if tonight
the rain was battering me, draining me of all my energy and
will, it was my ally for just a moment when it hid the tears that
were streaming down my face. I wasn’t sobbing, no. I was past
that point, it wouldn’t get me anywhere, but I needed to let this
frustration out, this helplessness. This feeling I had of
becoming something I could not change or could ever hope to
fix was becoming more and more real, it frightened me.
Hanma had been right in saying he was going to mold me
exactly how he liked it. I was his little clay doll, his hands on
my body shaping the person I was becoming with each of his
well-placed touches and words.
But even if I enjoyed being around him, the fun I had in
following his orders only lasted for things that hardly hindered
who I was as a person—I knew better than everyone that he
wouldn’t stop there. Bonten would not stop there, at the ‘fun
stuff’. Finding comfort in those stupidly qualified fun moments
would not keep me sane, I had to find some sort of balance,
some anchor—because I couldn’t be my own anchor, I was too
weak, I knew it. To fix losing my sanity I either had two
choices.
Making him my anchor or…
Redefining sanity in my own way.
When I heard Hanma humming on his way back from the car,
I wiped the tears from my face—an action rendered useless
from the rain still pouring from the dark, cloud-covered sky.
As I turned around to look what he had brought back, my eyes
widened and I let out a weak, “No.” when he dropped the
chairman that we were keeping in the car on the casket. “Took
a bit of time since our dear,” He paused, thinking, “Arata,
here,” he patted the chairman’s head once he had pushed him
on his knees on the casket, “Thought it’d be good to fight
back. Had to tie him up and gag him.” Hanma then looked at
him with a bored expression and added, “There was an
opportunity for a BDSM joke, you should have taken it, babe.”
Without mentioning his words, I met Hanma’s eyes and with a
determined look asked, “What are you doing? What’s this?”
With a movement of his head, Hanma told me to walk around
to his side, then he raised his hand for me to take and helped
me inside the grave. The gesture in itself looked kind, warm,
like helping your partner walk down the stairs—but at the
bottom of those stairs, a man out of his mind waited, grinning
wickedly while looking at me. “That’s the man you drugged,
did you forget already?” He laughed, clearly making fun of
me. When I joined his side in the grave, I feared the casket
would break from three adults standing on it so I balanced my
weight like Hanma had, on the sides of it.
“You know what I’m asking, why is he out of the car?” I
insisted.
Plopping his head on my shoulder lazily, Hanma was still
holding Arata by the ropes that tied his arms behind his back
and smiled sweetly, “Did you want to hold him hostage? It
could be fun, but I don’t have enough space,” “What do you
fucking want!” I said, having had enough of him avoiding my
questions; I’m sure it would have been funny if I didn’t have
this feeling in my guts that he wanted me to— “Kill him.”
Hanma whispered, his cheek pressed against mine as he
looked down at the man with his back turned to us.
I didn’t answer at first.
“I want him dead by your hands.” He reiterated, “I want you to
kill.”
He then turned my head towards him and kissed me softly, all
while placing a gun in my hands.
“For me.”
Chapter End Notes

:) On fuck, yall. YES NO SEX, but let’s not mention that.

I think there is a lot lot more than can be mentioned, and
do not be afraid to comment because I am more than
happy to reply no matter the length. Seeing you are
enjoying my work is more than rewarding- and I wanna
know how big my cult is growing, so there is that. That’s
the biggest part tbh, how mentally ill can yall get.
Thank you Din again for Beta’ing. There are memes my
dearest Din makes for chapters of this story, find them on
my Twitter @PhysicalTurian
Don’t be afraid to DM me or follow me, I am but a
human…a horny, sick in the head human.
Words : 10 272
Added on 26th February 2022
 Chapter 18
Chapter Notes

WARNING : Mention of suicidal thoughts - Mention of

self-harm - Trauma
Little links that inspired me :
https://twitter.com/katsuo_shiokara/status/144665421520
0280576?s=20
https://twitter.com/rakku6rakku/status/148773777281974
2720
https://twitter.com/rakku6rakku/status/148628828255227
0855?s=20&t=tU_PTB268go20Z5GVYhJBw
See the end of the chapter for more notes

Hanma had asked me to kill for him.

I don’t know why I was surprised, I was expecting him to tell
me to kill that man, but not for him to play it like this. I was
also fully aware of this need to prove myself to him, and either
he was aware of it too, or he wanted to test me. I had killed
once already… and it had only been easy because of the
moment, because of how fast I was to dehumanize them once I
had no personality to assign them. The woman I had killed had
been wearing a mask, I had never talked to her, I didn’t know
her, it was so easy to pull the trigger.
But here.
It was different.
Because I knew Arata. I had talked to him, I had worked with
him—or at least for him, he had been working at the firm for
as long as I could remember and he had a reputation. After all,
there wasn’t one person at Silas&Sons that didn’t know who
he was; but that reputation was only golden among men of his
caliber. Us proper people knew he was an obnoxious,
salacious, flirtatious prick that remained in a position of power
simply because he was “good at his job” and “he’ll be retiring
soon”, making it useless for the firm to fire him, not that they
ever really considered it in the first place. Oftentimes it had
been the women who reported him that were assigned to
another subsidiary in another city, because they were right, but
instead of taking in their complaints, they were simply moved.
Their voices were muffled, hushed. The problem was thrown
under the rug so that Arata’s immaculate reputation could be
kept. Whatever strength it had taken the victims to come
forward was then rendered futile.
Thinking about the man on his knees in front of me only gave
me more reasons to shoot him dead, and yet I couldn’t find the
strength to do it. Hanma felt my reticence and carefully slid
his arm down mine, his chest pressed against my back, “So
exciting!” He whispered right next to my ear as he slowly
wrapped my hand around the grip of the gun, his long finger
pressing mine on the trigger just enough to place it there
before letting go, “Our own little trip down memory lane.” He
cooed as he kissed down my jaw.
My entire body was shaking, but I only realized it upon
looking at my stretched out hand that was holding the gun. I
could barely keep it still, and as bad as it sounded… it was not
because of adrenaline or fear. The cold was making me feel
more than this dreadful action I was about to commit. “When
this is done, can I go home?” I asked, my voice barely a
whisper. I did not know how much longer I would be able to
stand in the pouring rain, constantly feeling like dirt and filth,
but I found it easier to focus on this gross feeling than on the
moral conundrum going on in my mind. “We’ll still need to
bury him, baby.” He laughed, wrapping his arms around my
waist, his head now resting on my shoulders. Slowly, I brought
my other hand to the gun, hoping it’ll help stabilize it enough,
but I was still shaking too much.
“I’m shaking.” I started, but he cut me off in a matter of fact
manner, “Get it together, then.” “I have it together! I’m just
freezing—just… help me, hold my hands, do something.” To
say I was more surprised by his rapid reaction than I was by
his request of me killing a man was funny to say the least. But
it was true. When he placed his steady hand under mine,
effectively calming my trembling, he pressed his head against
mine and murmured, “Make me proud, baby.”
And that was enough for me.
Bang.
When the man’s muffled cries died out, there was still no
peace. The rain was still the loudest of us all.
Inside I felt sick, I wanted to throw up. I wanted to throw the
gun away and fall to my knees, crying. I wanted to ask Hanma
if he was happy, if I could go home. I wanted to get out of this
grave and run away. But what my body wanted to do out of
instinct, my mind compensated with all the emotions I was
feeling at the same time, so I didn’t move. I didn’t drop the
gun.
Instead, I stood right where I was, arms still extended in front
of me, gripping the gun tight even as Hanma’s hand left mine.
It required him to pry the gun from my hands himself and turn
me around, as he lowered my arms, to have me return to
consciousness. “Good fucking job, fuck that’s—” Hanma
cradled my face in his large hands and kissed me with the
most passion I ever felt from him. I couldn’t help but return
the kiss, my hands finding his shirt to grip it tight for balance
and reassurance. As heated as the kiss was, it was also short.
Hanma was the one to break the kiss, pressing his thumbs to
the corner of my lips and forcing me to smile before shuffling
me to the side of the grave, telling me to get out. When I did,
my arms were shaking from how much I had used them to
shovel out the dirt. Once I was out, I didn’t have the strength
to get up and simply sat on the edge of the grave, my dress
ruined and drenched in mud and rain. My feet were fully
covered in mud, up my shins as well as splashes of it on my
thighs. There was no point in trying to get clean right now
since it’d get worse once we were done. Raising my gaze from
the ground, I looked at Hanma who was pulling a knife from
his pocket to cut the ropes around Arata’s wrists. He then
moved him so he was lying on the casket properly and put the
knife away to join me.
I let my eyes follow him as he lifted himself out of the grave,
uncaring of how dirty he was, of the blood that had splattered
on his face and shirt. Seeing it made me think that I was
probably covered in it too, but there was only so much energy
left in my body, I was too tired to care.
As he dove his hand in his pocket once more, this time he
pulled out a pack of cigarettes. It was battered and if it wasn’t
for the plastic around it, it’d be damp—he brought the
cigarette to his lips and lit it with ease considering the pouring
rain, then puffed out the smoke. There was a short silence as
we both relaxed, for lack of a better word in such a situation,
both looking at the sky in exhaustion. After a moment, Hanma
looked down at the corpse and exclaimed, “Shit! We should
have told him why he had to die, poor guy died confused.” He
laughed, both his hands now on the ground while one still held
the cigarette between two fingers. He leaned over and looked
at Arata, then at me, “Should we tell him?” he grinned
manically.
“He’s dead. He can’t hear you.” I said in a deadpan manner,
only seeing him from the corners of my eyes, unable to tear
them away from the sky. “His ghost should still be around,
babe.” Hanma said joyfully before looking back at Arata then
spitting on him, his face turning sour and losing any
playfulness that used to adorn it, “Cause pieces of shit like you
don’t deserve to live.” He then took another drag and once he
had enough, dropped the still-lit cigarette on the body at our
feet. I followed the dim orange light from the bud fall and
extinguish the moment it hit the man’s clothes. It caught my
attention, I was fascinated by how fast the light faded from it.
There was no reason for such fascination to be, but it just was.
With fatigue, I slicked my hair out of my face and threw a look
at Hanma, “You’re mad.” I stated, only the ghost of a smile on
my face. We had just desecrated a body, a grave, and he was
right as rain—not one ounce of worry on his beautiful,
crimson-tainted features. I was expecting him to tell me to shut
up, to tell me I liked it and he would be right, even if I felt too
drained to tell him so or to feel any joy from being by his side
right now. But he did none of those things. Instead, he replied,
“As a hatter, and you…” he poked my chest before dragging
his nail up to my chin and grabbing it with a certain softness to
it, “You’re my little Alice, falling down the rabbit hole of
insanity.”
I was quick to take his freezing hand off my chin with my own
freezing one, holding it, “I don’t like this analogy much.” I
said, in something close to a whisper. Hanma scoffed, curling
his hand around mine, “Why? Ain’t it creative?” it made me
huff a short laugh, one he could see from my movement but
not hear, and looked at our hands. After a short pause, I met
his eyes and smiled tiredly, “I don’t think Alice wanted to fuck
the hatter.” Those simple words made his whole face light up
like fairy lights as a wide, crazy smile stretched on his lips.
Feeling he would go on a rant or tease me again, I let go of his
hand and held his shoulder to help me stand up. As jokingly as
I could, I nodded at him, “Right. When you smile like that it’s
more of a Cheshire Cat moment than a Mad Hatter.” I could
have walked away and started throwing the dirt back in the
grave, but instead, I held out my hand for him to take, which
he did only to pull me towards him as he stood up. He placed
one hand on my cheek as the other lifted my dress on the side
of my thigh, “That’d be weird to fuck a cat, babe. We’ll stick
to Mad Hatter and Alice, yeah?” He cooed mockingly, kissing
my cheek then letting me go.
There was no need to say anything after that. All we did was
pick up the shovels and finish what we had started hours ago.
It was hard to battle the relief I was feeling, I wanted to relax,
I wanted to stop shivering but my teeth were chattering from
the cold and my arms were screaming for me to stop at each
shovelful I’d throw on the dead body. Just like before, I was
numb and entered a trance, shoveling on automated mode.
It made it all go so much faster, both Hanma and I were
exhausted so the covering up of our crime was done in silence.
I would sometimes steal a glance at the many tombstones
around us and felt sick knowing what we had done. If I had
been the one whose loved one’s grave had been dug up… I
don’t know how I’d feel. But I knew thinking about those
three bodies now 6 feet under was not helping with this sick
feeling in my chest. I tried hard to keep shoveling but around
the end, I dropped the shovel and ran to some bushes, only
muttering a quick, “Gonna be sick.” The mud was enough to
soften my fall to my knees, but the feeling of it between my
fingers when I planted them on the ground made me feel icky.
Nothing but liquid came out of my mouth, I was feeling dizzy
from the cold and from how hungry I was, it was physically
painful at this point. I don’t know how long I stayed kneeling
on the ground, eyes closed, trying to get my shit together—all
I knew is that I heard plastic behind me then I felt Hanma
nudge me with his foot, “Alright get up, we’re done.”
Letting my head tilt back, I felt the rain drops on my face and
looked at Hanma with half-lidded eyes, “I don’t think I can get
up, I’m drained, Shuji.” More than physically, that was. Other
words grazed my tongue, but they were too strong to be
pronounced yet… those words that so easily spilled out of
someone’s mouth when at the lowest point of their lives—but I
didn’t deserve to say them. I couldn’t beg for anything yet, it
wasn’t so bad, I could get arrested, I could be an addict, there
were so many things worse than being a murderer. I had to live
with it, right? I couldn’t complain. I had chosen to do that.
“Don’t think I asked.” he said, holding everything with one
arm then gripping my forearm tight to help me to my feet,
making me stumble a bit but he made sure to hold onto my
arm with force, “I’m not your walker, grandma, so you better
get your footing and walk.” My arm was starting to hurt, so I
pried his hand off and paced ahead of him, desperately rubbing
my arms on the way to the car to get any sort of heat. I did slip
a few times from the mud on my way there, but once I arrived
at the car and tried to open the door, Hanma dangled the keys
from afar, calling out above the rain, “Gotta wait a bit,
princess.” He then took his sweet time to arrive while I leaned
against the car.
The sound of the trunk opening startled me and told me
Hanma had arrived, he threw the shovels in it and pulled out a
duffle bag. My heart spiked up and a bad feeling settled in my
chest, could it be he had another trial for me? I did not want to
hear of it, I did not want him to test me anymore, not tonight. I
wanted sleep, food, and warmth. ”Take off the dress.” He
stated as he opened the backseat door, throwing the bag in.
Sure, the dress had been ruined and it was drenched, but I
didn’t think it required me to take it off right now, “No. You
made sure I did not wear anything underneath, I’m not going
to get naked in the middle of the street.” “Who’s gonna see?
Dead people? Take off the damn dress.” He said with a
deadpan expression, his hair still slicked back from the rain
and all of his clothes drenched like mine were. When I didn’t
reply, he gave me a tight smile and suddenly gripped my
shoulders, just as fast he unzipped my dress but did not pull it
off, “Take it off and get inside.” All I could do was hold it
tight in the front as I walked past him and when I was about to
sit down, he shook his head, tutting me like a child. “You take
off the rag, then you use it.” He ordered, his eyes drifting to
my muddy legs and feet. I had long since wiped my hands on
the dress, but the rest… “I’m not letting you dirty my car just
cause you thought you were the moment with your dramatic
ass in the mud, so clean up.”
Giving him a stern look, I stood in front of him determined,
my eyes never leaving his and the rain never stopping.
Slowly I brought my hands to my sleeves and all while
holding his gaze, pulled them down, baring my chest to him.
My head still high, I pulled my dress past my waist and
straightened my back once more—there was no difference in
temperature with or without the dress. There was however a
difference in how exposed I felt now standing in front of him,
fully undressed, in the street at night. “Happy?” I asked dryly.
His answer was to take the dress from me and push me so I
was sitting on the backseat, legs hanging out the side as he did
a quick wipe over them before throwing the dress on the floor
of his car, “There’s a blanket in the bag, get your legs in.”
Even if he told me to do it, he threw them inside himself, not
giving a shit if I had any balance then he slammed the door
shut.
I did not waste time in grabbing the duffle bag next to him and
pulling out the blanket that was a lot cleaner than I thought it’d
be. For some reason, I was expecting ragged things, but it
seemed like the man was prepared.
Hanma stayed a bit longer outside after having taken his phone
from his jacket and called someone, but I didn’t try to
eavesdrop. Instead, I waited, my head resting against the seat.
When he got in the car, he took off his shirt, harness and tie,
leaving him in his undershirt. He then hit his head back against
the seat and let out a breathy laugh, “Such a great night, bit too
quiet though.” He looked at my still form, I had the blanket
around me and was holding onto it for dear life, trying to get
some heat. When he didn’t speak, I looked up and met his
eyes, too wide in excitement to my taste. How could he have
any energy left? He gave me a once over then turned the heat
higher before looking back ahead and plugging his phone in.
After a few moments, a guitar started playing and I recognized
the tune of the song Don’t Fear The Reaper from a band I had
forgotten the name of. I don’t know if it was accidental or if he
was doing this on purpose, but as I listened to the lyrics, I
found it somewhat fitting.
I was staring at him as he was driving, his eyes focused on the
road with a smile on his face but saw how he turned his head
to look at me from time to time, still mouthing the lyrics to
himself. The situation was funny in a sense, but I couldn’t
laugh, all I could do was look at him in confusion because I
didn’t fear The Reaper. I had long since replaced that fear with
lust, need, which was perhaps more frightening to me than
fearing him—one was common sense to feel when staying by
the side of an insane man like him… the other came out of
nowhere and there was nothing I could do to dull this desire
for him. If anything, it kept growing the more time we spent
together. It was frightening how much I cared for him, it was
sick—irrational. It was odd to say it was irrational considering
how sensible I used to be, but that was no more, he had ripped
the rationality out of me by making me his. Because staying
by his side was not a wise choice, I knew it… and yet I
remained.
He had promised to protect me, to not hurt me and I trusted
him. That’s why I stayed with him. But if there was one thing I
did not consider by falling for him, it was that if something
were to ever happen to him, I’d be heartbroken. If he were to
die, I don’t know what I would do—if I could even stay in
Bonten after his departure. This life was dangerous, he had
been in it for a long time which showed he was good at it,
right? He wouldn’t die… but at the same time, fate had a way,
karma struck in the least expected moment and the amount of
awful things this man had done in his life would make karma’s
hit strong. “You’d think being tired would make you pass out,
but it seems like the little princess is feeling guilty.” He
commented, his eyes meeting mine in the rear-view mirror.
“Telling me to stop thinking doesn’t help. If you’re curious
about it, just ask.” I mumbled, snuggling inside the blanket
more. I was now much more aware of my body with the heat
that had spread in the car thanks to the air-conditioning, and
even with the fabric covering me, I felt exposed. “I’m more of
a man of action, babe. Once I get you home, I’ll have you stop
thinking, it’s easy.” “Can I stay at your place?” I cut him off,
avoiding his look by staring at the window. The words had left
my mouth before I could think them through, and perhaps
Hanma was to blame for that, he had this effect on me. He
made me act rashly, but this time it wasn’t regrettable, it
wasn’t to make him proud, it was for myself. I did not want to
be alone, he had become a safe place, he could drown
whatever thoughts I was having. And having done such
atrocious actions tonight…
I feared my brain, my thoughts.
I feared what I’d do to stop feeling like this.
These feelings of guilt and paranoia were awful, but they were
not alone. Close by often stood hopelessness, anxiety,
nausea… but the worst was this small, yet growing, feeling of
excitement—of thinking, ‘We got away with it, we can get
away with more.’ and it made me want to see what more I
could do, what I could get away with. I was afraid of myself.
Hanma laughed with a huge satisfied grin on his face, “This
ain’t free real estate, baby.” he started, but I cut him off, too
tired for his bullshit, “Alright, I was just asking, drop me at my
place.” I said quickly, my throat tight from the short
embarrassment I felt for being told no. It was stupid, but I was
past exhaustion and I had little to no control over my feelings.
“All I’m saying is that you’ll have to give me something in
return—here’s what I offer,” I hadn’t realized we had been
driving for so long until Hanma pulled to the side of the road,
before continuing as he placed his arm behind the empty seat
in front of me, “You don’t fight me tonight, when I tell you to
do something you do it. I don’t care if you wanna give
attitude, I’m too tired to take you bratty shit tonight.” He said
in the most serious tone before giving me a sweet smile and
telling me in a sing-song voice, “Got it?”
I was glad he could not read my mind because that’s all I
wanted tonight. I wanted to let him do whatever he wanted, I
did not want to have to think and take control over anything. I
just wanted to be without having to worry about what came
with it. So hearing his words reassured me, even if spoken a
bit harshly. “Got it.” I nodded once before placing my hand on
the door, ready to leave only to find it locked.
“Just wait.” He stated, getting all his stuff from the passenger
seat and leaving the car. He then walked around to reach my
door and opened it, eyes furrowed as he smiled, “If I had a
doorman he’d be here with an umbrella, weird shit, huh?” He
joked before grabbing my hand to pull me out of my seat and
slamming the door shut. I hissed at the coldness of the
pavement and rushed inside, dragging Hanma with me since
he was not letting go of my hand. He only let go to grab a
black plastic bag from the corner of the hall then he joined me
with a cute smile on his face upon seeing I was holding the
door of the elevator open. Once he stepped inside, I let go and
he sighed theatrically loudly, “I love it when you’re
submissive and cooperative like that, it makes everything so
much easier.”
Throwing him a side glance, I frowned, “It’s just politeness to
keep the door open, were you expecting me to go up without
you? It’s stupid—” “Ah ah ah,” He berated mockingly, moving
his index finger in front of me to tell me to stop, “We said no
attitude, so tone it down for one fucking night, yeah?” He
asked rhetorically. I didn’t have a choice, but it was odd to see
him like that. Did exhaustion make him more on edge? Was
his patience down in the gutter when the man was tired?
Whichever it was, I understood the message and shut my
mouth. If that’s what he wanted, then tonight I would be his
literal doll, “Yes, sir.” I said dryly.
Hanma smirked at that but did not say anything, it made the
time for us to reach his floor go by slower. All he did was hum
some tune while the elevator went up, his bruised hand
gripping the plastic bag tight—it only made me wonder what
was in it, but at the same time I feared there could be some
illegal stuff, so I didn’t ask.
Once we arrived on the last floor, Hanma stepped out first and
was fast to open the door to his apartment, turning around just
as fast to look at me when I was walking too slow for his taste,
“You can drop the blanket, we’re not outside anymore.” He
said off-handedly once we entered, as he threw his stuff on the
couch and proceeded to take off his shoes. I didn’t follow his
suggestion and instead stood by the now-locked door with the
blanket still wrapped around my form. “It was never about
modesty,” I started, starting to walk past him to go to the
bathroom when I realized I did not know where it was. I
turned around and looked at him. He was leaning on the back
of the couch, looking at me with his arms crossed over his
chest, a proud smile on his lips. Continuing, I said in a neutral
tone, “I’m just freezing, it tends to happen—” I stopped
myself when I saw him raise a brow; he would take my words
as an attitude, and I had promised to be docile. So I did. I
closed my mouth a moment and resumed, “I would like to
shower. Where is the bathroom?”
That turned his smile into a wicked one, “There’s just one door
—I mean, you’re more than welcome in my bedroom if that’s
what you want us to do.” He said teasingly. I did not return the
playfulness. I wanted to, I knew if I did it would have led to
some fun, but I was too tired to do so. I thanked him instead
before padding away to go wash up.
When I entered the bathroom, I was surprised by how big it
was—although my first thought was frustration from there not
being any lock on the door. I suppose when you lived alone it
made sense, even more so when your friends hardly visited
you… not that he had many people he could consider friends,
from what I’d gathered. With a sigh, I looked around, in the
furthest right corner was an open shower that seemed to have
enough room for 5 people, something unnecessary for him. To
my right were also the sink and the toilet, next to the shower.
And in front of me were the washing machines, by the glass
wall that separated the shower. I scared myself when looking
to my left and saw my reflection in the mirrors that adorned
the entirety of the wall there. I looked like shit, my hair was a
mess, drenched but slowly drying already while I looked dead,
my face devoid of anything. Covered in droplets of blood.
I dropped the blanket on the floor and looked at my reflection
for a moment. Coming back late, my body shaking from fear
or adrenaline, or whatever I was feeling right now… My
features were stripped bare of any emotion, my hands were
roughened—all of it felt like a déjà vu from my first night in
this whole mess, except the damage was not superficial
anymore. I could not see many bruises, except the ones fading
on my stomach, because those could be treated. But as I met
my own eyes in the mirror, I smiled sadly and let out a silent
sob.
Slowly, my face contorted in a grimace and tears rolled down
my cheeks.
So little had changed, I looked exactly the same except those
eyes. Those eyes that had seen so much, too much. Gently, I
touched under my eyes and watched my hands in the reflection
do the same, I could barely feel my own touch. Was this real?
It’s all in my head, I thought as I brought my hands through
my hair and gripped the roots tight, still looking at myself. The
pain on my scalp made me let out a silent gasp, but it felt good
to feel something—a short smile in the corner of my lips drew
itself.
Why am I smiling? I thought. It made me smile wider but my
eyes were pained, I was in pain, I was sad, why am I sad? I
wasn’t the one who had died. A breathless laugh escaped my
lips. I was smiling with my mouth open now, saliva
connecting my teeth while the tears were never stopping, “You
can’t be sad.” I whispered to myself, slapping my cheek with
force to get myself together. I deserved that, I deserved more
than just a slap, “You did that, you’re a murderer. You have no
will, you’re weak.” I told myself, my voice slightly stronger
than a whisper now. “You. Murdered. Someone.” I said once
again with more force, but the sobs were not leaving.
I needed to hear it, it still felt unreal.
Why had I not reacted like that when I killed that woman?
Maybe it was because I could not hear her sobs—unlike
Arata’s.
I did not know her—unlike Arata.
I had done it out of frustration—but tonight it had been done
simply to make him proud.
It was not justified under emotional instability.
I was more than conscious of what I had done.
“Cold-blooded murderer.” I said under my breath. I then
repeated the same thing, except I added my name to it. Perhaps
mass murderer would fit better by the time the police
discovers all that I’ll have done.
A shaky laugh escaped my lips, “I’ll never get caught, I’ll
never get punished for what I did.” I whispered in disbelief.
Bonten was too powerful for me to ever redeem myself by
getting arrested, I was in this until the end unless I—
“The water’s not running, what the fuck are you doing?” I
heard Hanma behind the door. A loud sob escaped my lips at
the sound of his voice, something he must have heard since he
did not ask before stepping inside and seeing the state I was in.
He stopped in front of the door after closing it and now looked
at me with what seemed to be a worried expression.
I was not feeling good.
And in those times… He had taught me to lean on him.
Oh-so-many times he had proven himself to be reliable in
helping me forget.
So I fully turned around and looked at him with tears
streaming down my face.
With a broken voice, I managed to utter, “I’m thinking again.”
It was all it took for him to wrap one arm around my shoulders
and hold me close while he grabbed something behind me. I
latched onto him, wrapping my arms around his stomach and
gripping his shirt tight behind his back. I started repeating,
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—I never should have killed, I…” “Get in
the shower, come on.” He never let go of me but he guided us
to the shower, not listening to what I was saying. I don’t know
why I was apologizing, after all he had been part of it. He had
no regrets, what could he do to help me?
Something hit the floor of the shower then he forced my hands
away from him, “Kneel on the towels.” He ordered as he
turned on the water. I was startled by the temperature and
stared at him in confusion, my sobs having slowed to silent
cries. “Just for tonight, give in. You’re in no fucking state to
be whoever you are right now.” He said, pointing at the floor.
With feeble movements, I knelts on the towels on the ground,
enjoying the texture against my skin. My back was turned to
him, but I felt one of his hands graze my shoulders, “Tonight
your brain is wired on being good for me, and that’s it.”
Hanma stated as he moved my hair out of the way, then slid
his hands to my collar bone, putting some pressure, “I don’t
want you to think about shit, it’s me on your mind and just me.
You empty that pretty head and you just think of me.” He then
switched from shower head to the shower wand and poured
the burning water on my skin, “Shouldn’t be too hard since
you love me, right?”
I hissed at the burning sensation and he was fast to move it
away, “Too hot?” He asked. At the same speed, I gripped his
wrist and brought the shower wand to my back, tensing at the
burning feeling again, “It’s fine, keep going.” “You think I’m
that stupid I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing?” His tone
was rough as he moved to lower the temperature of the water,
then forcefully tilted my head back, his left hand covering my
eyes suddenly as he poured water in my hair. I didn’t reply and
let him do as he pleased, but he wasn’t done. “I told you
already to stop thinking before, didn’t I? Or to change that
mindset—if you want to stay alive.”
“What if I considered not doing that… what then?”
Saying it out loud made it awful, did I really want to die? Just
by telling him I considered it, I realized I could not leave him
behind. I didn’t know if he’d be sad if I died, but I would be,
because there was so much I wanted to do with him. I didn’t
want to miss out on anything. He uncovered my eyes. “Sorry,
that was dramatic, I’m tired.” I mumbled, feeling how my
chest had gotten heavier with the silence.
“The guilt will kill you. Change your mindset.” He was dead
serious but I followed his order and focused on him, so I let
out a short laugh when I heard how serious he was while
lathering my hair with shampoo. Suddenly my head was tilted
back more, almost making me lose my balance if not for
Hanma’s legs. He was now looking down at me with a frown,
“What’s funny?” He asked, rinsing his hands while still
looking at me before bringing the water to my hair. His free
hand acted as a shield for my eyes against the water while he
rinsed the shampoo off without looking at it, his beautiful eyes
still on mine. “The situation.” I started, “How do you do it?” I
asked, hoping he’d catch my drift. But he did not, instead he
asked for a clarification so I continued, “The murdering
innocents…” He cut me off by twisting the water out of my
hair and letting go before crouching behind me and forcing me
to turn around by turning the towels with me on it, “Simple,
they’re not innocents. None of them are, I don’t know anyone
innocent—they’re all filthy rich bastards, and if they’re not
rich, they’re still scums.” He spat.
He was still mostly dressed, pants and undershirt on, and yet
he still sat on the wet floor in front of me, pouring water then
soap on my body. “It’s a lot easier to find excuses to kill than
to find the strength to fight the guilt—not that I have much of
it in the first place, but reasoning with guilt ain’t it. Just,” He
mimicked throwing something over his shoulder, “get rid of it,
because it slows everyone down.” With a dramatic pause, he
added, “It eats you from the inside.” Then in a lighter tone, “If
capitalistic assholes felt guilty, we wouldn’t be living in the
world we’re currently living in, babe.” His tone brightened my
mood, even if just a little bit. When he placed his hand on my
shoulder to wash me, I gripped it to stop him and chuckled
nervously. I didn’t have the energy to do it myself but it still
felt intimate for him to do such a thing, a lot more intimate
than him fucking me. It was odd. “What?” He asked, annoyed.
I couldn’t ask him if he loved me. I couldn’t ask him if we
were dating, this was not us.
I just needed to make sure we were on the same wavelength.
So I asked, “I’m your girl, yes?” I sounded pitiful, how
desperate was I? How would I even take it if he said no?
Hanma’s answer was to move my hand and let his rub down
my arm a few times, making the soap bubble, “Yeah, who else
would it be?” I ignored his question and stopped his hand
again, forcing him to look at me, which he did in confusion
and anger once more. “And are you mine? Can I—” I
swallowed hard and finished, “I need to know, can I call you
mine?” His hand dropped from my arm but his gaze was still
locked on mine, utterly caught off guard for a moment before
losing any emotion that used to adorn his face a second ago.
His silence was more heart shattering than anything, yet I still
waited for him to answer, thinking he would laugh.
Instead he grinned wickedly, his hands suddenly gripping me
at the waist as he pulled me over his crossed legs and kissed
me roughly, his soapy hands sliding over my wet skin, “Fuck
yeah you can, didn’t think you were the type wanna show me
off like a prize—I couldn’t care less what you call me, just
remember that I own you.” He smirked against my lips, his
hands now under my ass as he lifted me to my knees, pressing
me against him. His shirt was drenched from all the water, so
were his pants, but he did not seem to care at all. Running my
hands through his hair, I held the base of his neck tight and
kissed him back with a sob. The heated kiss was interrupted
when I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him
tight, surprising him by the way his hands stilled on my body.
Do you know what you’re doing? Please don’t die. I don’t
know what you’ve done to me, but I can’t get enough of you. I
hate to love you, but I can’t stop it.
That’s all I wanted to tell him, and more—but he was not the
emotional type, and I had said too much today already. I
needed to stop acting rashly on my emotions, or perhaps I
needed to stop being this close to him when tired and not in
control.
So I let him go.
Unwrapping my arms, I sat back on the towels and brought his
hands back on my body, wordlessly telling him to wash me,
which he did with a frown. I needed to take the discussion
elsewhere, so while staring at his pants, lost in thoughts, I
asked, “Do you have any food in your fridge?” I stood up
when he signaled me to do so in order for him to wash my
legs. Once I sat back down, he looked at me like I was the
dumbest between us two, “Being tired doesn’t mean you can
be that stupid, baby.” He scoffed, finally bringing the water
back on the wand setting so it stopped raining on us, and he
rinsed my body carefully before helping me to my feet.
“There’s shit in the fridge, help yourself.” He said, grabbing a
towel he had hung on the glass pane and handing it to me, “Be
there in five.” I don’t know what pushed me to be this clingy
—of course I did, he was the perfect scarecrow to my
darkness-filled thoughts shaped like that animal of bad omen
—but I put the towel back on the pane and shook my head,
“I’ll help you.” “If you wanna fuck in the shower, it’s a no.”
My face heated up in an instant, I quickly grabbed the towel
about to leave when he stopped me by grabbing my wrist,
“Just say you don’t wanna fuck and I’ll let you worship the
body of your maker, doll. Just say it.” “Fucking in a shower is
impractical, I don’t want to fuck you here. Just…” Thinking
back on his words, I locked my eyes on him and gave him a
fakely sweet smile, “Just trying to be good for you.” Those
simple words sparked something in him, making him take both
of my hands in his and bringing us under running water. He
looked down at himself, “Undress me, then. Is that what you
want? To be of use?” He smiled in a way I had never seen him
smile. Was it confidence? He usually had that, but here it was
not coated with a challenging attitude, there was no malice—
he was just towering over me, almost dominantly.
Was that what I wanted? My hands moved to untuck his
undershirt and helped it off of him without saying anything.
My eyes did however linger on the healing gunshot wound on
his side, but Hanma was fast to tilt my head back up and throw
the shirt out of the shower, “Keep going.” Why did I find this
comforting? I wasn’t thinking of much, all I could feel was his
eyes on me and the perfect temperature of the water pouring
down my body. My hands settled on his belt and I slid it off,
dropping it nearby before unzipping his pants and hooking my
thumbs in the hem of his pants and boxers. It did not feel
sexual for some reason, when I pulled everything down and he
was standing in all his glory, completely bare to me,
vulnerable some would say. It only felt intimate.
Hanma kicked his clothes out of the shower and proceeded to
hand me the shampoo. “The hair now.” With that, he leaned
forward to have his hair at my height and I gently lathered it,
unable to cover his eyes from the product but he didn’t seem
to care. “Your neck will hurt if you stay like that.” All he said
was, “Hurry up then, we don’t have all night, doll.” With a
huff, I continued and when I was done, he straightened his
back and rinsed it off. I couldn’t help but take in how gorgeous
he looked. And how battered his body looked; there were
bruises I hadn’t seen, scars I had never had time to take in, yet
he seemed fine. Unbothered. Good.
“You’ll take in the view when you’re done, but you’re not. So
keep at it.” He said as he grabbed my hand, placed a cloth on
it, before pouring shower gel on it.
With a raised brow, I asked, “Why didn’t you use that when
washing me?” He looked at me with a growing smile and
patted my cheek condescendingly, “Cause I don’t wanna fuck
you when you’re suicidal, that’s why. I can touch you without
wanting to fuck you.” His words should have hit me hard with
how crude they were, but he was touching me. And while I
could hear him, I couldn’t truly hear him. “But you’d jerk me
off in this shower if you could. So you do as you’re told and
you clean me up.” He brought the cloth to his chest and I
started washing him, my entire body heating up at the
situation. I had been clear I wouldn’t want to fuck here, but he
was right that seeing him like this did make me feel things.
The only time he had been fully naked with me, he had just
left my bath and was dripping with rosé-colored water from
his wound. Tonight, he looked healthier than last time, he
looked less cocky, he looked nice.
“See, it’s not that hard.” He said as he turned around to give
me access to his back. I was surprised when I saw what
adorned it, and let out, “I never knew you had a tattoo on your
back.” Then started scrubbing him while he laughed a bit too
much for my liking, was I not allowed to be surprised? It was
a full back tattoo with a traditional Oni face on it, the one with
the horns, and I had never caught a glimpse of it? He had
taken a bath in my house and I had never seen it? I was really
blinded by him, by his attitude or perhaps it was that easy to
have me lose focus, all he’d have to do was touch me and I’d
be gone.
It was quick to wash him, so only a few moments after, he
turned around and grabbed my wrist, “You never really had
the opportunity to see it, you know with the sucking my dick
and whatnot.” He said, pulling me closer to him as he wrapped
an arm around my waist. I didn’t know if I could hold back
from letting my hands roam over his beautiful body, so I
reached out behind him and turned off the shower, “It looks
good, let’s get out.” I said in all honesty, prying his arm off of
me before turning around and reaching for the towel on the
pane. When I unfolded it fully to wrap it around my form, I
felt a stinging pain on my ass—I quickly turned around to look
at Hanma who was smiling broadly, “This looks good too.”
And it felt good too, but I didn’t voice that thought. He had
stopped me from seeking such a thrill with the burning water,
so I hardly thought he’d want me to seek it here.
So I stared at him, having forgotten to glare instead, then
wrapped the towel around my form without a word. “Not
saying anything?” He teased, patting himself dry before
wrapping his towel around his waist and walking to the door,
standing by it to wait for me.
“This whole ‘thinking about you’ thing isn’t working the way
you think it is.” “Oh no, it absolutely is. It just works better
than expected.” Interrupting himself, realization struck him
and a huge satisfied grin was now plastered on his face. It kept
growing, widening until he was smiling from ear to ear, “See, I
don’t know how I keep forgetting that my girl’s a masochist.
Cause there’s so much potential to—” “The potential to
nothing.” I said with a deadpan expression, although I was
sure he could see I was embarrassed. Walking past him, I
opened the door, only to have him block my path as he held
me by the shoulders then started walking backwards, guiding
me to his bedroom. “Were you planning on having dinner in a
towel?” He asked mockingly, finally letting me go once we
had reached his bed. I thought he’d have continued the topic of
moments ago, but clearly his focus was nowhere to be seen. Or
perhaps too much was going on in his brain all at once.
Giving him an incredulous look, I nodded slowly, “The clothes
I had earlier today clearly weren’t on the living room floor,
and if my memory serves me right, you tore the dress I was
wearing. So, yes. I was planning on keeping this towel around
myself so that I wasn’t naked in your apartment.” It felt nice to
banter normally, but I still had a strange feeling in the pit of
my stomach that was not only to blame on the hunger I was
feeling, but on something bigger. Hanma grabbed the plastic
bag from the floor and smirked at me, “Would it be that bad to
walk around naked? I for sure would enjoy it.” He laughed
before turning the bag upside down on his bed, many items
falling out of it—many recognizable, familiar ones.
“Why—how? No, when?” I asked in awe, moving closer to
the bed and rummaging through everything, folding my
clothes and placing my toothbrush on the side. There was at
least half of my wardrobe on the bed but as much as I
wondered how he had gotten my things, I could not be happier
to have comfortable clothes to wear after such a long night.
“That’s for me to know and for you to thank me for it.” He
then moved to the right of the entrance of the bedroom and
slid open the wardrobe. I watched him drop the towel on the
floor and couldn’t help but stare even after having seen him
fully naked moments ago—his body only looked more
beautiful now that I had felt it entirely, now that there wasn’t
one inch of him I hadn’t seen. I did not know I craved
knowing him in such a way, but I did.
He put on his boxers then simply threw his bathrobe on, not
even tying it closed. “I’m pretty sure I’m the predator here, but
you’re looking at me like you wanna eat me.” He looked down
at himself, “Or my dick, don’t know yet.” He snorted before
walking out of the room, telling me to hurry up.
Not wanting to be left alone, I hurried to put on some clothes.
After the shower, my body had returned to an almost normal
temperature, but I still put on a pair of socks along with my
pyjama set. It was one of the few I owned, preferring to sleep
in simply my underwear and a shirt, but the fabric was soft and
I was still not warm enough. Not to mention I was not going to
sleep right away, I would not be snuggled up under a blanket
as it heated my body and I’d fall asleep.
No, I had to eat with Hanma first.
Only then will I be allowed some rest. I did not know if it was
well-deserved, but it was needed.
Once dressed, I padded out of the room and joined Hanma in
the other room, most lights were off except for the ones under
the cabinets in the kitchen. It lit the room only enough for us
to see the counter while the rest of the apartment was but grey
shapes in the back of the room. Everything was so quiet it was
a relief after all the hubbub from the casino, followed by the
neverending rain and those dark thoughts that pegged my
mind. As I watched Hanma heating up some leftovers, a
certain peace flooded my body—he was all I could see right
now, all I could think of, and I did not mind it one bit. I had
come to the realization of wanting him a while ago already,
but now I had him and it felt so… right. He was clearly as
tired as I was, his head now tilted back as he waited for the
food to heat up, eyes closed. He’d only move the pan here and
there, not even looking at it.
I did not move from my spot at the end of the corridor that
linked his bedroom to here, I only stared. And he must have
felt it since he turned his head towards me and opened his
eyes, “Mute and staring, what are you? An owl or something?”
Oh, did I know how fucked I was when my chest felt the rapid
beating of my heart against it, and it only increased when he
looked at me. “Thank you for the clothes, for helping me
shower too. And for—” He looked away from me and stopped
the stove, “Food’s done.” I supposed he did not want to hear
my gratitude, seeing how he did not listen to me. So I grabbed
my plate and followed him to the dining table—I made sure to
turn on the lamp from the living room so we could at least
have a little bit of light in the dining room, then was about to
sit opposite of him.
Before I could sit down, he pointed at the chair next to him
and sat down, his eyes locked on mine until I moved to sit next
to him. I was so hungry I did not feel like eating. I had this
feeling like if I ate anything I’d throw up, but I still tried—not
that Hanma would have let me leave this table without eating.
So I stared back at him while chewing and pointed at his plate,
“Stop staring and eat too, weren’t you tired? Don’t you want to
go to sleep as soon as possible?” I asked, mouth still full of
food. “Wouldn’t want to miss out on you trying to kill yourself
by choking on—” my food, he’d meant, but I put the fork
down and swallowed, frowning at him.
“Here’s the deal, you stop mentioning what I said in the
bathroom. You can keep being a piece of shit—be a bastard all
you want, but that,” I paused, clearly fearing to my admittance
of having considered ending it all, even for a moment, then
continued, “Is forgotten. Just…” I trailed off, unsure if I
should continue. But he was now resting his hand in the palm
of his hand with his elbow on the table, so I shoved more food
in my mouth and mumbled, “Don’t leave me.”
There was a short silence and before continuing eating, I
stared at the plate and stated under my breath, “And it’s more
than just a safety net thing, what I said at the casino still
stands…” I wanted to continue with ‘even if you don’t care’,
but he did care. He had told me himself. And he had shown it
to me in more ways than one. I could not ignore that he cared
even if he did not say it out loud—I’d have to get used to it.
“Don’t really plan on leaving any time soon, babe.” He said in
a sing-song voice as he brought my free hand to his mouth and
with a toothy grin, kissed the back of it, “And it’d be a dull,
dull world without you in it. After all, no one else entertains
me the way you do.” He cooed, placing my hand down on his
thigh instead of the table. I looked back at the plate and
without moving my hand from him, continued eating, only
squeezing his thigh to show I had heard him and, even if it did
not show in a simple squeeze, I had enjoyed hearing those
words.
He was done eating before I was, which was only a few
minutes after our short conversation. So while I was finishing
up, he scooted closer with his chair and held my hand on his
thigh, none of us saying anything about it, while he leaned on
the table with his other arm. “Got yourself a one-on-one with
Mikey, I heard.” He said with a growing smile, but he was
clearly tired, there was only so big his might could get when
exhaustion was this prominent. “Better clear your schedule for
the week, cause that means he has big plans for you.” He
continued, his eyes suddenly trailing down my body slowly. I
quickly finished eating and pushed the plate away then asked,
“How big?”
Of course he had to turn it into a joke and looked down at his
boxers, pulling at the elastic with the hand that was holding
mine to look inside, “Pretty big—you would know, right?” He
said with a satisfied grin. I snatched my hand away from his
and stood up, grabbing both of our plates, “What are his plans
for me?” I asked more seriously, albeit with some drowsiness
in my voice. Hanma followed me to the kitchen and grabbed
the plates from my hands, putting them in the sink before
turning every light off and explained, “See, the little earring
shows you’re mine. But the rest of the world needs to know
you’re Bonten’s.” He slid a hand around my waist and guided
us to his bedroom, but in panic I put a hand on my earlobe and
did not feel said earring, “Shit—Shuji! Shit, shit, where is it?”
I stopped him and forced him to look at me, “I don’t have the
earring, I lost it… what if I lost it in the cemetery and someone
finds it?!” I said with even more panic. He looked at me with a
bored expression then slowly turned me around and rested his
chin on my shoulder as he lifted my arm with his to point at
the nightstand, “Your paranoia is up the roof when you’re
tired. I took it off when you were having your little break
down.”
The relief I felt was so great that I did not think before placing
my hand against his cheek and turning my head to kiss him,
“Thank you.” Only to pull away quickly when he did not kiss
back right away, cheeks heating up in seconds. I did not know
how many more mistakes I could make tonight, but I knew I
had had enough of feeling embarrassed for one night. That’s
why I stepped away from him and changed the topic after
clearing my throat, “Where do I sleep?” I was fine with the
couch if it came down to it and Hanma wanted to act like an
asshole, but I would have been much happier if I had him next
to me.
Hanma smiled and shrugged, “Where do you want to sleep?
Heard the couch’s nice.” He chuckled and looked at the bed.
Before he could continue, I spoke like the desperate woman I
was tonight. I could not believe how much I wanted to be with
him, but if I tried to justify it, I would say it was because I was
vulnerable tonight and being alone wouldn’t help with my
dark thoughts. Although I did not want to rationalize, I just
needed him to touch me, to make me forget about everything.
With a huff and as much confidence as I could, I said, “If
that’s what you want, sure. Just not tonight.” I then took off
my socks and pants, “I don’t want to be alone tonight so I
won’t be.” I added, still not looking at him as I slid under the
covers and turned my back to him, my heart beating fast in
fear he’d laugh at my actions. One hand was holding the
blanket tight against my form while the other was close to my
chest—I could feel how cold my hands were through my shirt
and my feet when they brushed against my legs, so I balled
up.
I was more than aware Hanma had yet to join me and I feared
he’d never do so until I felt the blanket being lifted, letting in a
short draft until he slid under the covers with me. Seeing his
proud smile, I turned around to not look at him and closed my
eyes. I was too tired to decipher his mood and too tired to try
harder to reach out for him today.
With a deep breath, I focused on the silence in the room.
There was not one sound.
No car sounds, from how high up we were in the building, no
humming from electronics, nothing.
My mind, or enemy, decided to fill this lack of anything by
replaying that gunshot in my head. The loud sound of the rain,
the bang. The rapid passing of the few cars that’d drive
through, the bang. The metallic sound of our shovels hitting
and digging in the ground, the bang.
His muffled cries, the bang.
The thud of his body hitting the casket.
The bang.
I was crying again.
Silently this time.
Balled up, clutching the sheets tightly as I breathed slowly
through my mouth. If I gave it time, the guilt and regret would
stop hurting so much; I knew it would, it had to. But I was in
the present, I was living these dreadful emotions right now and
every part of my body was itching for pain. I needed to drown
this feeling of guilt behind a stronger feeling, one I could
manage. A physical sensation I could focus on more than one I
could only battle in my head, alone. When I slid my hand to
grip my hips hard, digging my nails in my skin, it was
replaced by Hanma’s warm hand as he forcefully turned me
around and pushed my legs away from my chest, bringing me
closer to him. “Cut the shit—” He started, I cut him off, “I
can’t stop thinking about it, Shuji. And it’s so quiet here, what
else am I supposed to do but think?” I asked in a hushed shaky
whisper as I wiped my tears, finally looking at him after all
this time. He still had the light on behind him, on the
nightstand, so I could see how he kept his face as neutral as
possible.
“Yeah, but you’re not just thinking. You look stupid hurting
yourself like that, you know that?” He gritted through his
teeth, moving his arm under mine so it rested on his arm. I
held it weakly. Then I felt his hand gripping my hip tight as he
slid his other hand under my body, this time on my waist as he
dug his nails in under my shirt and whispered in anger, “I said
I was the only one allowed to hurt you,” I let out a groan and
closed my eyes as my hold tightened on his arm, my free hand
now against his shoulder. “That way you get to get off on it.”
He leaned in for a kiss at the same moment he raked his nails
on my back, muffling my moans. His hands traveled under my
panties, grabbing my ass as he rolled me so I was now laying
on him. I let out a gasp while kissing him back, caught off by
his actions while my chest lightened at them, “Is it that hard to
get it in your head? It’s easier to get in your pants than to make
you understand shit. So we’ll try both together, yeah?”
I could hear him talking to me, but my brain was flooded by
how good it felt to have him touch me. It frightened me how
much I craved basking in this feeling of belonging to him, his
rough hands against my skin, hurting me so good I couldn’t
help but kiss him over and over again, moaning in the kiss.
Even with his hands roaming all over my body, clawing it so it
was burning in the most tasteful way, a huge smile plastered
on my face. “More.” I uttered against his lips, my hands
traveling to his boxers only to have him wrap his hand around
them, “You’re not getting fucked tonight, hands here,” He said
bringing them to his neck, “Or here.” He pointed at his waist
before bringing his hands back to my ass and moving me a bit
higher on him—he then grazed them up my body so they were
on my cheeks and pulled me down for a kiss, “But not on my
dick.”
Maybe I was disappointed to hear that but at the same time, I
was enjoying just being close to him. So I cradled his face and
nodded, he then continued, “But tell you what, if you’re that
desperate, you can fuck yourself. I’m sure I have some—”
“No, I don’t. I’ll wait.” I paused and slowly got off of him,
hearing him scoff. I wanted to have sex with him, to feel him
for all he was but he was right, even if he hadn’t said so. We
were both tired. “I’ll wait, but… can you hold me until I fall
asleep?” It felt stupid to ask him that. I never believed him to
be the type to do such a thing, but if I didn’t try, I couldn’t
know. I still asked. His hands that had returned to my hips
guided one of my legs between his and one on top of them as
he brought me closer. His arm reached to the side and turned
off the light before resting on his stomach while his other hand
was behind my head, bringing it against his chest, “Hands on
me. If you start crying, don’t wipe it on me.” He muttered, but
I couldn’t help but smile tiredly as I held him closer. Hearing
his heartbeat was soothing, it broke the silence but so did my
voice after I pressed a kiss on his chest, making him tense up
shortly before relaxing.
“Thank you.”
For making me feel safe.
Because even if he was the reason I had ended up in all those
mind-breaking situations, nothing forced him to take care of
me. And yet he did, he promised me safety and he held his
promise.
I couldn’t ask for more, but he still gave more.
Never had I thought I’d ever get attached to him, but I did—
that was a lie. I wasn’t attached, it was something deeper than
that, something scarier. I was addicted to him, I wanted to
depend on him because he loved that, being in control,
because he loved me.
I was his and he was mine.
And if I had told Mikey I would kill for him, for Bonten…
I would do worse things if this man, this murderer that was
Hanma Shuji, asked me.
I wouldn’t hesitate, because I trusted him—his judgment. I
was still alive because of him, so nothing could go wrong if I
followed him to the end.
And knowing he would also kill for me… made me smile.
Why did it make me smile?
Had I truly gone mad?
Had the darkness spread that fast?
Maybe I did not want to go back to something normal, maybe
I just wanted him.
His insanity sounded… entertaining, thrilling. I wanted more
of it. I was going to have more of it, make it mine.
Chapter End Notes

Bonsoir…You’ve been waiting for this I hope? I will be

asking for REACTIONS simply because I believe this
chapter is a lot heavier and I wonder how yall handled
that haha… As dark as this chapter is, fuck did I have a
BLAST writing it! That cemetery scene has been in my
head (or notes) for so long. Very much serotonin bringer
if you ask me.
Do join me on Twitter @PhysicalTurian! We do have a
little server for some unhinged nights from time to time,
if you’re interested and 18+
Added on 9th March 2022
Words : 11 190
 Chapter 19
Chapter Notes

I do think after last chapter, I don’t have much to add as

warnings…. Do tell me if I should warn for anything,
really, I’m here for this to be as nice as possible to read
(haha…)
Art that inspired me :
https://twitter.com/os000012/status/14439322939747942
49?s=20&t=tU_PTB268go20Z5GV
See the end of the chapter for more notes

It’s funny how sleep is just a few steps away from death. How
much we depend on it, and yet how much it can fuck us up.
Get too little of it and your body shuts down, get too much of
it and your body shuts down—although that’s when you’re in
a coma. One would think if the body so desperately needs
sleep, it’d do its best to get it, and yet here I was, awakened in
the middle of the night from my heart beating too fast. I could
not remember what I was dreaming of that made my heart
pound so hard, all I knew was that I woke up in cold sweats
and I did not feel like going back to sleep at all. My mind, as
useless as it was, made me understand by sending shivers
down my spine that I wasn’t in the right state, but I did not
know the reason.
Sighing sleepily, I stirred and sat up slowly, a silent gasp of
surprise escaping my lips when something hit my lap. I was
fast to remember I had gone to sleep in Hanma’s bed, with
Hanma, his arm wrapped around me. “Shit.” I breathed out,
blinking awake as my eyes focused on his hand. I gently lifted
it from my lap as I slid to the side of the bed, putting his hand
back on the mattress when I was no longer under it. In all
honesty, I hadn’t realized how tired my legs were until I placed
my feet on the ground and it all seemed too heavy, almost
impossible to move.
Luckily for me, I did not have the chance to stand up before a
strong arm wrapped itself around my shoulders and chest,
bringing me backward and scaring me in the process. I clasped
my hand on his forearm, scooting back so I was now resting
against his chest. “You’re not leaving.” He whispered with his
lips against my neck. His arm tightened around my form as he
wrapped his other arm around me, “Where are you going? You
don’t get to leave me, not after tonight.” His tired tone still
managed to be coated with possessiveness as he slowly dug
his teeth in the juncture of my neck and shoulder. I groaned at
the pain, but brought my hand to the back of his head, bringing
him closer. When it started to hurt more than it brought
pleasure, I moaned out his name, my fingers threading through
his hair but never pulling him back, “Shuji—fuck, Shuji it
hurts.” He stopped, only to speak after running his tongue over
the bite. The action was not meant to be sultry in any way but
the warmth of his body against mine, the closeness… I
couldn’t help but feel excited. His slurred words reached my
ears again, “That’s what you want, right? I’m the only one
who can give you what you want.”
I had never heard him like that, I didn’t even know if he was
aware of how he sounded. Letting go of his hair, I tried to pry
his arms away but he held tight, so I sighed, “I just need to go
to the bathroom.”
Hanma hummed in response but did not let go. Instead, he
pulled at the collar of my shirt and started leaving small bites
on the back of my neck, in places I could not reach or see.
Since he was not in the mood to listen nor in any shape to do
much, I quickly lifted his arms and slipped out of his hold,
almost tripping out of the bed. I was fast to catch my fall with
my hands when I fell forward from the pins and needles in my
legs. “I’ll be right back, I just need to pee.” So with heavy feet,
I stepped out of the bedroom at a slow pace and only lit the
light above the sink’s mirror to use the toilet. Once I was done,
I was now standing in front of a light too bright, considering
what a somber night I had spent. With tired blinks, my eyes
got used to the light and I could see myself.
Even if my face looked less dull than earlier tonight, I still
looked like shit. With a half-smile, I leaned over the sink and
splashed some water on my face, letting my wet hands slide to
my neck and shoulders. It was hard to forget all that’d
happened tonight with those reminders adorning my shoulders
and back—as I let my hands unbutton my shirt, I shrugged it
off my arms and turned around to look over my shoulders at
my reflection. Looking at the marks Hanma had left, I caught
myself smiling fondly while rubbing my hand on the bite he
had left. Is this the right way to handle the situation? I
pondered as I put my shirt back on and turned off the light. I
wanted to believe myself when thinking it was not the proper
way to deal with this, but it felt too good to describe it as
wrong.
He felt too good to be bad.
Having done bad things didn’t mean you were bad per se,
right? Why was I even thinking at this hour, I knew it wouldn’t
lead to much—if anything it’d bring me to bad thoughts. It
was safer to simply get back to bed. I had assumed Hanma
would have gone back to sleep the moment I had left, but he
was still sitting with his eyes closed, hair messily crowning his
head. He must have heard my footsteps since he turned his
head towards me as he ran a hand through his hair, “Why
would you wake up at 4 in the fucking morning.” He
grumbled, reaching out for my hand and pulling me to him as
he laid us down. The care and gentleness of this moment felt
out of place. It was not something we had done much so far
and if I’d usually tense up upon seeing him kind like this, at
this point in our relationship—or whatever we were—I did not
have the strength to doubt him anymore. It was easier to
believe he loved me.
“It’s not like I did it on purpose, I just startled awake.” I
explained, still a bit hesitant to drape my arm over his
stomach. As I was about to do so, he turned me around and
pressed his entire body against mine. His head rested against
the back of mine while his hand slithered along my hips to my
stomach, to finally slip inside my panties. “What are you
doing, Shuji?” I gasped, his breath tickling the back of my
neck as his nose brushed my shoulder, “Warming my hand,
‘that a problem?” I could hear his smile, and maybe it was
because his entire being filled me with lust that I placed my
hand over his and gently guided it lower. He was fast to
chuckle and mutter while moving his hand away, “Love it
when you give me the power to fuck with you—the more
desperate you are, the funnier it is for me to tell you no.” He
whispered right next to my ear before wrapping his arm
around my stomach and pressing me against him, not giving
me any space to move from how tight he was holding me.
“Sleep and who knows, maybe tomorrow you’ll get fucked.”
He added, getting more comfortable on the pillows.
I did not feel the need to answer. Even if it ticked me off how
he had grown some decency, it felt like a new game between
us—if he was planning on not fucking me, I could play the
same game and tease him until he’s the one desperate to do so.
Grinning proudly yet sleepily, I fell back asleep this time
without any dreams.
Without any nightmares.
Just nothingness.
It was not restful, but I feared rest was a privilege I had lost
the moment I joined Hanma, the moment I agreed to work for
Bonten. All I could now hope for was to have numb nights, I
was willing to take whatever sleep I was given as long as I did
not dream. As long as I was not reminded of anything. It’ll
make it easier to forget the tragedy of tonight.
Being awoken by the smell of cigarettes, however, was not
how I’d hope to wake after those nights. And hopefully, it
wouldn’t become a habit. With furrowed brows, I tried to
cover myself but couldn’t find the blanket; sitting up for a few
seconds with my eyes still closed, I patted the bed for the
blanket then pulled it over my form.
Ready to go back to sleep, I basked in the heat a bit longer
until the covers were moved from my head and I could smell
the wretched tobacco smell once more. With an annoyed sigh,
I opened my eyes, the light blinding me for the few seconds it
took me to get used to it. When I could see, I got confused by
the sight above me. There stood Hanma who was looking at
me with a huge grin—his arm extended far from us as his free
hand now gently held my face, pressing on my cheeks to
pucker my lips. “Morning, little rabbit.” He cooed proudly,
mockingly. I knew there was no going back on yesterday’s
confession when his pretty face was enough to start this spark
in my chest, one I needed to snuff out if I wanted to have a
normal day. Because wanting him this much was not what
normal should be. “That’s a lot of nicknames you’re giving
me.” I started, moving his hand from my face as I sat up. I
watched him take a drag and puff out the smoke to the side
before crushing the bud in the ashtray by his bed—an action
I’d probably see a lot more of if the man was prone to smoking
cigarettes after sex.
That very thought caught me off guard, but I ignored it.
“It’s fitting though, should we count the number of times you
tried to fuck me last night?” He drawled as he pressed a soft
kiss on my lips. He then let go of me and got out of bed in a
blink and as I tried to tell him it was unnecessary, he smiled,
“First we got the casino, very desperate of you to wanna be
fucked in public—I’d give it a solid 8 out of 10 cause if it
wasn’t on a job, I’d have fucked you.” He was more than
aware of how humiliating it was to hear him reminisce about
last night and yet he continued, even as I covered my eyes to
avoid meeting his in embarrassment. He started walking to the
bench seat against the wall in front of the bed and as he knelt,
he continued, “In the car, that was a missed opportunity, what I
would have given to warm my dick inside that pretty—” “I got
it, you can stop.” I complained, not ready to admit that his
little monologue was turning me on. It was a lot more
entertaining to tell him to stop since it’d only make him
continue.
Opening the lid of the seat that was also a chest, he looked
inside it with a laugh, “Save the begging for later, I’m just
starting babe.” Amused, he stood up and I covered my face
with a pillow when he continued his speech, “I’m pretty sure if
I hadn’t told you off in the shower, you’d have tried to have
me fuck you there too.” He hummed theatrically and I felt his
weight added to the mattress. The action in itself was not
ominous but I knew him, so my heart started beating fast. His
hand pressed on the pillow that was on my face then he
snatched it off, making me groan at the loss of cover, “Right
after your little breakdown in bed—shit, you were so fucking
eager to get my cock out, it was very entertaining if you ask
me.” Oh, the smile on his face, if I hadn’t grown to like it, I
would have wanted to slap it away but why was I growing
flustered from it now?
“It doesn’t seem hard to entertain you.” I scoffed as I sat up,
the covers falling from my chest and pooling on my lap. I
didn’t even have time to consider leaving the bed before
Hanma laughed and grabbed my hand, “Probably as hard as it
is to turn you on—which isn’t saying much if you’re horny
from just my touch.” He mocked before moving between my
legs and suddenly bringing them above his shoulders, “Still
dressed, and yet I’m sure if I kissed you right now, I’d have
you begging for my dick. Without even touching you one bit.”
He said proudly, my hands now pinned above my head, tightly
wrapped by his huge hands. Was he wrong? No. But I needed
to have him want me before I wanted him. If he was the one to
succumb first, I’d win but if I was the one to beg first, he’d be
the winner.
But my body did the talking.
I tried to bring him closer by hitting my feet against his back
and rolling my hips against him, how was I supposed to resist
when he looked at me like a maniac? When he was grinning so
wide I felt like a prey about to get attacked. It made me go on
the defensive, even if I was enjoying him being the one in
power, so I grabbed a handful of his hair and brought him
closer to my face, “Talking big so early in the morning for a
man who hasn’t fucked me.” I said with a newfound
confidence that made him laugh. Not just at the situation but at
me, he was mocking me. Pressing me more into the mattress,
his grip around my wrists tightened as he ghosted his lips over
mine, “Already heard that one, maybe you should find other
excuses to ask for my dick.” He whispered. I felt him roll his
hips against mine before pulling back and letting go of my
hands. Just as fast, he dropped my legs on each side of him
and pulled me by the thighs so my ass was lifted on his
crossed legs—the position was not the most comfortable, but I
wanted to show him I trusted him by being in such a
vulnerable state, I didn’t know why.
The man had audacity. That I knew ever since we met, but
what he did after pulling me onto him showed, even more, the
nerves of him. First, he spread my legs wider around him and
looked at my panties with a half-smirk before clicking his
tongue against his teeth, “It’s a shame you thought you could
make me fuck you, cause now I’m forced to not fuck you.” He
shook his head in a theatrically sad way as he caressed my
clothed sex lazily, making me tense at the sudden touch and
eager for him to continue. “Nothing’s forcing you to be a
dick.” “Of course not! But you gotta be taught you can’t ask
for shit and have it your way, baby. You get fucked when I say
you get fucked, or you beg for it the proper way.” His words
were enough to make me feel a certain type of way, up until
now he had been acting just the way he wanted with me and I
allowed him to do so, even if in my head I knew I shouldn’t be
doing that. But now it was different, hearing his assertiveness
was not as annoying as it was… hot. I wanted to tell him off,
but when I saw him reach for something on the bed and
understood what he had in hand, I tried to sit up to push him
off. He only shook his head as he pushed my chest back on the
bed. Slowly, that same hand wandered lower, then under my
shirt.
Arrogant as ever, he started and waved the dildo he had in
hand in my face, “But you know what? We should get you
fucked just enough to get—”
I reached for his throat, gripping it then as I spoke, lowered
my hand between his legs, “You’re hard, why not fuck me?” I
could feel his hardness, which made me question why he’d
now show any sort of restraint just when I wanted him, but he
was quick to clear things up.
“Cause it’s not fun to give in!” He exclaimed with such
excitement I got startled. A swear escaped my lips when he
threw my arm off his crotch to then shove my panties aside
and lazily start to run his finger between my legs. “Do you
realize how much more fun it is to know you’re getting off
from showing off to me? Cause that’s what’s going on, yeah?”
It felt nice to have him touch me after all this time, but not
nice enough to have me beg for him to continue. With a small
smile, I met his gaze and when I was about to tease him back,
he inserted two fingers, making me let out a breathless gasp as
I arched my back to help him ease them in.
“I mean, not like it’s the first time either.” He hummed, pulling
his fingers out after only a few thrusts to lift my hips with that
same hand, “D’you remember that call when you gave me
pretty moans for my birthday?” He asked, not earning himself
any answer from me since all I could think of was how much I
was aching to feel him inside me and not that all too real-
looking dildo. With a frown, I tried to grab the toy from his
hand, but he moved it out of my reach before clasping his hand
on mine and pinning it to my side, “You wanna play fight?”
He asked under his breath, his tone sending shivers down my
spine. His face had lost its expression, its enthusiasm but his
tone held some playfulness, it was scary but fuck did I like it.
My answer was to reach for his shoulder and make him lean
over so I could proudly say, “You want me to play hard to get,
so I’ll play hard to get.” Of course, he managed to turn that
short bout of confidence against me, “Oh, so you’re trying to
please me? You know what? We’ll play fight,” Without any
warning, he thrusted the toy in one slow, but painful go. I
whined at the burning pain of feeling my muscles stretch
around it but it also felt so good I dug my fingers in his
shoulder, my mouth wide open as I breathed slowly. “Fight
back, go ahead, hit me. Give me some anger, it should be fun
to see!” He mocked once he stopped and the toy was fully in.
I couldn’t look at him, all I could do was focus on the
sensation down my lower stomach, I wanted him to move so I
rolled my hips against it, “This really how you fight? Shit, I
shouldn’t let you outta my sight if that’s—” I cut him off by
wrapping my hands around his throat and suddenly pulling
him closer to me, a silly smile on his lips from how entertained
he was, “Don’t let your guard down like that, babe.” I said
teasingly before moving my foot to his stomach and trying to
push him—his eyes widened at the same speed his smile did,
he was fast to block my foot between us and keep me with my
legs spread, “You really thought you did something!” He
laughed before thrusting the toy inside me.
The way my face heated up was not just from embarrassment,
it was from the shame of how much I liked hearing him fuck
around like this. The back of my thigh was hurting from the
position he was keeping me in, but I couldn’t ignore how good
those hard thrusts felt hitting deep and painfully inside. My
head tilted back and whatever train of thoughts I had was lost
when all I could do was smile in pleasure with my mouth wide
open as moans flooded out of it. With fumbling hands, I
unbuttoned my shirt and took off my bra the best I could;
Hanma was quick to react, “That’s the most submissive shit
I’ve ever seen, you really are down bad—and it’s not even my
dick!” He laughed but still dipped his head forward to run his
teeth over my breasts.
Face burning in shame, I knew what he was about to do and
tried to move him away, “Don’t—” bite. My head was now
digging in the pillows as I writhed in both pain and pleasure,
my hand gripping his hair like my life depended on it,
desperate to move him away but he was stubborn. He only
pulled back his mouth to attack my other breast in the same
way he did the first one. A loud, lewd moan escaped my lips
when I felt him hit the perfect spot, it was sheer brutality with
which he was thrusting the silicone toy inside me but even
through my stubbornness of wanting his cock, I couldn’t
ignore the pleasure it was giving me.
When he tilted his head back to look at my body, Hanma
grinned broadly, “Shit, you can’t even speak, don’t hide your
fucked out face like that, come on!” He put a hand behind my
head and lifted it enough to have me look at him while he
rammed the toy over and over inside me, my vision too
clouded with pleasure to be able to see anything clearly. His
face, however, was close enough for me to see the playful, yet
satisfied look plastered on it, “A fake dick and you’re out of it
already! Fuck, you’re so easy—oh, you know what?” He
asked, but I wasn’t in any shape to formulate anything. What I
did was move my hands under my hips to support them and
angle them even better, his thrusts now getting me closer and
closer, “If fake shit like that gets you going maybe Ran could
just do the trick.”
If I was being honest, I would admit that the mention of the
bastard turned me on because of the promise Hanma had made
in fucking me in front of him, but if I told him that, he’d make
fun of me, “Not him—not touching me.” I gritted through my
teeth. Any annoyance I felt at Hanma’s words disappeared as
the most indecent whine ripped from my throat, a whine that
Hanma muffled by crashing his lips against mine. I tried to
kiss him back the best I could, but with his never-stopping
thrusts, I couldn’t help the moans that flooded from my mouth.
“That’s right!” He breathed against my lips excitedly, “Cause
you’re too fucking needy for anyone to handle.” He punctuated
his words by three rough thrusts, this time making me cry out
—my vision suddenly faltered and I felt my body tense up,
legs shaking one last time before relaxing as Hanma cooed,
“But I got you, right?” Gently, he moved my hair out of my
face and let out a breathy laugh, “Aren’t you going to thank
me?”
Opening my eyes slowly, I met his and nodded, it made him
smile as he leaned in to kiss me almost lovingly. Which it
would have been if he hadn’t chuckled in the kiss while
pulling the toy out of me, “Don’t worry, you haven’t lost yet—
not technically, but we both know right here,” He tapped his
index finger on his temple then on my forehead, “That you lost
a while back.” That was enough to make me laugh tiredly as I
sat up while Hanma let go of my leg and sat in front of me,
dildo discarded on the bedsheets as I pulled my panties back.
“I’ll make you fuck me, I’ll make you so desperate to fuck me,
you’ll give in first.” I scoffed. I tried hard to keep a
challenging expression, but I couldn’t help the soft smile on
my lips when he looked me dead in the eyes and let out a short
laugh. He then leaned over with a curious expression, “D’you
really believe that, or is this for the show? No, cause, if you do
it’s hilarious since even after an entire night of crying your
eyes out, you woke up wanting my dick.” He gave me a
mocking smile before grabbing the dildo and standing up, “So
if we’re talking about desperate, then yes! You do win that
title.”
Before I could reply, he walked off proudly, disappearing into
the bathroom. For a short moment, I wanted to join him but
instead, I left the bed and got changed into proper clothes. In
retrospect, he was right and I did sound desperate, even if in
my head that silly game of making him cave in first made
sense. “Maybe I should tone it down…” I mumbled on my
way to the living room while Hanma was in the bathroom. The
dresses from last night were draped over the couch neatly and
as I walked by, I grazed my fingers over the fabric about to
reminisce about what happened—I was quick to shake my
head and look around for my phone instead.
It did not take long to find it nor to plug it into Hanma’s
charger that was by the couch. A sigh of relief escaped my lips
when it still had some battery left, but I also noticed the few
missed calls from an unknown number along with messages
from Shiho. She clearly had fun and, from the messages I was
reading, she had organized a little get-together with her, Rai
and Aiko. Dread filled my body up upon reading it. Rai, whom
I had threatened and manhandled last night. Rai, who knew
what had happened the week before at the Halloween party.
Rai, whose life depended on her mouth staying shut or not.
But I had to act normal. Like nothing was going on. That was
my ‘added value’ to Bonten, I looked normal enough to not
look suspicious. To act in broad daylight while they were
bound to the night.
That’s why I typed in energetically and answered in the group
chat she had created in the midst of her manic night.
Me: We should definitely meet up! We still need to find Aiko
a girlfriend, right? 😏
Rai was almost immediately typing, but she never answered
my message. Fair enough, I thought, before checking Shiho’s
private texts.
Shiho: did h ou get home safe
Shiho: sheesh mama i missed you a little there was so much
fun rindou got shit faced drunk
Shiho: and we all started talkign shit
Shiho: about hanma it was amazing
Shiho: im sorry i really tried to stand up for you but it gave
too much
Shiho: thank me later for the angst later
Shiho: cause yeah i saw him behind when you said the stuff
Shiho: but it s good cause make up sex
Shiho: a smart move from me tbh
I looked at her texts in disbelief, so much had been said, and
yet so few words were on the screen. A lot needed to be talked
about, but I’d rather talk about it in person than through text,
so I simply texted back, “Alive and well. I guess there is a lot
to talk about? We should arrive earlier than Rai and Aiko, so
we get to gossip before.” Just as I sent the message, the
unknown number from before called me again. It wasn’t
hidden, but I still did not have it in my list of contacts, which
was odd.
I glanced around to see if Hanma was done yet. I hoped he’d
stay next to me in case it was something weird that he should
know about but since he was nowhere, I simply picked up.
“Yes?” The person on the other end of the line seemed
surprised that I answered and asked if it was me, stating my
full name and for a second I feared it was the man that had
brought me to the hospital with Shuusuke. I still told them it
was indeed me then they called someone behind them and
handed them the phone since the voice changed, “Hey, it’s Kei
—I mean Junichiro Kei, I’m friends with Rai?”
“Oh, right, you’re Rai’s boyfriend, I didn’t recognize your
voice for a moment.” I chuckled casually even if inside I was
all too nervous. Why would he call me? Had she told him
more? It’d be bold of him to call me to threaten me. A shiver
of panic coursed through my body as my grip on the phone
tightened and I let my head hit the back of the couch, “Shit,
yeah it’s the department’s phone number so there’s that!” He
said, a silence following before he cleared his throat, “I was
calling to tell you Shuusuke woke up.” Why was I surprised by
his words? He was bound to wake up sooner or later, the fact
that it took him a week only added to the evidence of how
violent and brutal Hanma was. A sense of pride settled in my
chest along with one of fear from Kei’s words, “I mean, he
can’t talk yet. He still needs the tube to breathe and stuff, but
I’m sure he’d be glad to see you if you ever wanna swing by.
I’ll text you the room number.”
With a light laugh of ‘relief’, I then chuckled. I was more than
happy he couldn’t see the look of sheer dread on my face as I
looked at the ceiling, “That’s good! I’ll make sure to swing
by.” I told him ‘happily’ before adding in fake worry, “Don’t
be afraid to text me if he gets better before I manage to visit, if
he can talk I might bring in some games to distract him.” I
lied. My heart was beating all too fast, but that was something
Kei couldn’t hear. All he could hear was a woman more than
enthusiastic that her ‘crush’ of one night was getting better
because that same woman had been oh-so-scared when he
disappeared that night. How fucked up was that?
“Definitely! He’ll be so glad, should we keep it a surprise?” A
nervous sound escaped my lips that I covered with a laugh,
was he trying to test me? Rai told him what she saw, had she
not told him I was part of it? Had she kept my name out of it?
Still acting, I asked sweetly, “Does he like surprises? If he
does—”
Hanma’s face appeared above mine as he leaned in and pecked
my lips possessively, his low voice reaching my ears and the
phone, “Who’s it?” He asked against my lips with a bored
expression, but it hid perhaps jealousy. I was quick to finish
the call by rushing it, “If he likes surprises keep it as such! I’m
sorry, I need to go.” “Who was that?” Kei asked, almost hurt.
Of course he’d be, the woman who pretended to like his friend
had someone over. “I’m going out, sorry! Text me.” Before he
could answer, I hung up and put the phone down, looking at
Hanma with some sort of finality in my gaze or so I believed
but he saw something else, “What’s with the pleading look?
D’ya need to be fucked?” “No. The man on the phone was a
cop. One of Shuusuke’s friends.” I explained. Seeing how
Shuji didn’t react, I continued, “He just told me Shuusuke
woke up, he can’t speak yet but it’s only a matter of time and I
fear what he’d do.”
I ran my hands over my face and let myself fall on the couch
dramatically, almost instantly sitting back up. I was getting
comfortable way too quickly, this wasn’t my place, so with
some stress in my voice I started, “There are many ways he
can communicate by, like writing, or—” “What do you wanna
do about it?” Hanma interrupted, turning away from me as he
walked to the kitchen without glancing back. My attention was
brought to the gun he nudged on the counter; it could be put on
the count of it being in the way and he wanted to get it out of
the way, but I knew better.
I knew better and yet, I said, “I don’t know.” Then I stood up
and left my phone to charge on the couch as I joined Hanma in
the kitchen, “Rai’s boyfriend said I should visit soon, which
doesn’t make sense since she probably told him about what
she saw.” I never really took time to take in how large his back
was, but it fit how tall he was. Since he was staying at his
place today, or so I believed, he wore something a lot more
comfortable than the three-piece suits he’d always wear. Even
with a larger long-sleeved shirt rolled up to his elbows, I could
still see how muscled his back was. Or maybe I was imagining
it, because I knew how it looked, adorned with that beautiful
tattoo of his. The black pants he wore were also casual,
compared to the suit pants.
“Yeah, she did.” Hanma stated.
Giving him a look he could not see from having his back to
me, I emphasized, “Probably. That’s why—” Turning around,
Hanma suddenly had the tip of the knife in his hand under my
chin as he smiled fakely sweetly, “If the mole talked, we have
fun and we scare her for siding with the pigs, it’s not hard.”
There was still some dryness in his voice, but fuck did I love
seeing that crazy smile on his lips. I did not say anything at
first, only carefully placing my hand on his knife-holding one
and locked my eyes on his as I lowered the weapon, “I don’t
think—” His smile dropped, a now deadpan expression on his
face, “I really don’t care what you think, she thought she could
fuck around and live. You don’t need to be a genius at maths
to know that fucking with a criminal organization and living
ain’t it.” He then freed his hand from mine and poked the knife
against my cheek, without hurting me, “It just doesn’t add up,
babe.” Then he returned to the ingredients he had been
preparing while I said, “Doesn’t Bonten have the cops
corrupted to the core? Why kill her if, in the end, it won’t end
badly for any of you?”
That made him laugh before planting the knife straight into the
wooden plank, startling me in the process as he faced me once
more, “Living her little vigilante dream won’t end well, so we
take care of the problem at the root.” “What problem? We
have the cops eating from our palms!” This time, Hanma
gripped my jaw, making me shut up as he looked down at me
before slowly saying, “Goody two shoes boyfriend, not
corrupted. Boyfriend knows who to trust or not. Boyfriend
slowly builds a team of wannabe heroes without getting caught
by bad cops—then out of nowhere, I have to kill 15 fuckers
instead of one!” He let go of me and sighed dramatically, not
letting me talk, “D’ya know how hard it is to get rid of 15
bodies? It’s much easier to claim a lost bullet in a dumb
gunfight than to justify a handful of dead grown adults.” He
shrugged, stating all of this like it was the most logical thing.
Still not convinced, I attempted, “He doesn’t know, though?”
Hanma chuckled and pressed a condescending kiss on my lips
before breathing against them, “Why are you acting dumb,
doll? Hm?” He leaned back and grabbed the knife, looking at
me from the side, “Why would the bitch keep her mouth shut?
I’m pretty sure she trusts the piglet with her life,” He paused
and smiled over his shoulder, “Or else she wouldn’t have come
in, bugged—or did you forget about that already? Or does she
get a pass cause y’all are friends or something?” His tone was
not rising, but it was getting more serious, in a way that all
playfulness was gone from it as he went on, leaving me
speechless from his words. “So yeah, he’s acting nice and shit,
it’s called acting for a reason. Once you get there, if you make
one wrong move, he’ll be on your ass, asking you every
possible thing to catch you slipping. And he’ll catch you,
cause you’re not as good a liar as you think you are, doll.” If I
didn’t know what to do before this, I was even more at loss for
words after.
He did not pay attention to me as he cooked, probably giving
me time to take it all in, or the more probable thing being he
just didn’t care much. I pondered what he had said for a
moment. Rai being bugged had indeed slipped my mind, so
when he reminded it to me, I was thrown back to the day
before when I was intimidating her to give me information. It
was not one of my finest moments, if I had some that could be
described as such in the first place. But once I remembered
what had happened last night, what he said made sense,
although it brought up a question. Stepping to his side, I
looked at the food in the pan and asked in a soft voice, “So
how will you kill him if we can’t go?” I knew it was too late to
say ‘if I can’t go’. I had made it my default to use ‘we’ when
committing atrocities. It was easier to not be alone when doing
such things. And clearly easier to have him kill someone
instead of having the responsibility of doing so.
“Did I say we couldn’t go? Nah, we’re going. It’ll just be after
hours.” He laughed with a shrug.
“And then?” I asked, stepping back as he separated everything
into two plates, serving us.
“You really need a step-by-step plan? Then we convince him
to keep his mouth shut.” His words were emphasized once
more by a gun, this time he grabbed it while grabbing his
plate. I did not flinch when Hanma put the gun against my
forehead and leaned in, grinning wickedly, “That is if he wants
to be convinced, but he seems to be a stubborn man, don’t you
think?” He asked playfully.
Without moving, I reached for my plate and looked up at the
gun, then at Hanma, “Gunning someone down in a hospital
isn’t the most subtle manner to take care of a problem.” I
stated, foolishly hoping that’ll be enough to deter him, but
why did I want to deter him? Why was I still fighting for the
thing he had so many times described as the good in me. Was
it good if it was not sincere? If one did not believe one second
that doing the ‘good thing’ was the right thing, then I hardly
believed one was good in their very core. And for some
reason, keeping Shuusuke alive did not seem like the right
thing to do—I knew it was simply because I was selfish, I had
gotten used to the comfort of doing things I’d never do and
finding that there were close to no repercussions, if not the
mental ones that had been hitting hard recently. “Of course I
won’t shoot him down, that’s suspicious as fuck. There are
easier ways, I’ll show you when we visit the farm.”
“The farm?” I asked with a chuckle as we sat down, the air
between us something I had yet to have encountered so far, but
it felt so quiet, so… serene. For the entire time I had known
Hanma, all of it was hectic, stressful, thrilling too, but today I
couldn’t help but feel good. Even after last night’s events.
“Did I really fuck your brains out this morning? He’s a pig, so
where he’s staying is a farm, yeah?” He then brought a slice of
toast with an egg on it to his mouth and sighed as he bit into it,
a mug of coffee on his right.
I stopped mid-chewing and looked at him dazed, not even
caring enough to feel embarrassed by his statement of fucking
me anymore. All I did was hum in response, we then ate in
silence at first—without realizing it, I kept glancing at Hanma
while he ate. The sun rays were hitting his face through the
curtains and it made him look so pretty I couldn’t tear my eyes
off him. He noticed it, of course, and yet he first finished his
food before leaning with his elbows on the table and resting
his head on his hands.
I caught him staring at me when I looked up for the umpteenth
time, this time my face heated up as I asked, “What is it?”
“What? You can stare and I can’t? That’s not very equal rights
if you ask me, but then again, any rights you think—” “Do you
ever choose silence over talking just to hear yourself talk?” I
interrupted him, a burst of confidence spawning in my chest
now that I was fully awake and fed. He shut his mouth only to
let a satisfied smile slowly crawl on his lips. I should have
feared whatever he’d do but he had managed to make me
excited, he kept me on my toes, he was… funny. “What?
Afraid you’ll get turned on? Cause it’s so easy to turn you on
now that I know—” I cut him off once more by leaning over
quickly and covering his mouth with my hand, only to have
him lick the inside of my palm without ever averting his gaze
from mine. With a disgusted face, I pulled my hand back but
grabbed his tongue between my thumb and index finger. For a
second I forgot what I wanted to say simply because of how
hot he looked, for lack of better words. Then I let go and
wiped his saliva on his shirt, “You looked pretty, that’s why I
was staring.” I stated before taking my empty plate from the
table and leaving; I made sure to catch a glimpse of his face
that for just a second looked close to flustered, but it was not
saying much from the man that never let his guard down.
When I started cleaning the dishes to help after he had cooked,
I heard my phone ring once again and handed the sponge to
Hanma who had just joined me in the kitchen. I patted my
hands dry on my pants and padded to the living room; this
was too many calls in one short morning, even if it was now
12 PM. “Girlie, let’s get some fancy brunch or something—I
say brunch because that’s how it’s called but let’s just get some
food with the girls, you weren’t replying in the group chat so I
called. Hi.” Shiho finally whispered the last part, out of breath,
making me chuckle as I took a few seconds to take in the
information. I still regretted having accepted plans when I
knew what happened with Rai, but she seemed like the kind of
person to let live and forgive. “Hello to you too, Shiho. Give
me a time and I’ll be there—are we still on to arrive earlier so
we can have a talk without them first?” I asked with the
utmost calm as I sat on the couch, knees on it and stomach
pressed against the back of the couch while I watched Hanma
finish cleaning everything before getting his phone from the
counter and bringing it to his ear.
“Yeah definitely, be there at 1 PM, and I tell the gang to swing
by—at like…” I heard her ask out loud what had happened last
night, and once she had her answer she brought the phone
back to her mouth, “2 PM? I think that’s enough time to spill
all the tea… no, yeah, definitely enough time. Then we have
some fun, don’t know when we’ll come back but it’ll give for
sure.” A whole hour would not be enough to tell her all that
happened to me last night, but before telling her that, I
thought: did I really want to give her a bigger burden? Did I
want her to know how much shit I was doing for this
organization while she was just here to have fun—at the cost
of her health, that is? The answer was no, I wanted to keep her
in the dark. It was better like that, even if it was a selfish
decision. “Alright, send me the address. I’ll be there at 1 PM
and we’ll probably be done even with the food around five,
unless they have a lot of gossip to share.” I laughed and met
Hanma’s eyes that were looking at me with some mischief, or
maybe menace—it made the smile fall from my face as I
quirked a brow. He smiled proudly and lowered his tone on the
phone all while looking at me, it was nothing but suspicious.
“Alright, see you there bestie!” Shiho said enthusiastically. It
was a short call that ended a bit in a hurry since she quickly
spoke to who Iassumed was Sanzu next to her, only to then
hang up mid-sentence with the man. For a few minutes, I
waited for Hanma to finish his call. He was still looking at me
but his gaze had lost the playfulness, or whatever had adorned
his face before, now he was just bored. When he was finally
done, I didn’t ask who was on the phone, I didn’t probe. I
wasn’t that curious, I simply put my phone in my pocket and
joined him in the kitchen, “I’ll be going home. Thank you
for…” All that you did? For stopping me from pondering more
the thought of ending it all? For making me bury bodies in a
cemetery under the rain? For giving me a cold that was
probably soon to come? Everything. “Yeah, don’t thank me
yet. You don’t mean it as much as you should just yet.” He
smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
“Leave your shit here though, I’ll drive you to meet up with
the addict and—” I slapped him hard across the face before I
even realized it. Just as fast, I muttered, “Don’t call her that—
just don’t, I can still get her out before it’s too late. So don’t
fucking jinx it.” Each syllable was spoken with confidence,
only when his gaze toughened upon meeting mine did I look at
his earring instead of his eyes to avoid the way his gaze was
piercing into mine. “Don’t jinx it?” He repeated, mocking me
with the most deadpan expression, “It ain’t jinxing if it’s the
truth, but if it helps you cope to be violent, go ‘head.” He
grabbed my hand and placed it on his cheek, pressing it with
his nails digging hard into my skin, “Same strength, same
passion, if you do it enough times I’ll get angry and I’ll fuck
you, if that’s what you’re trying to get.” I pulled my hand
away from his and pushed at his chest meekly, not wanting to
hurt him, if that was even possible. “Here’s an idea, stop
bringing it all back to sex? All I’m asking is for you to stop
calling Shiho an addict.” I explained, crossing my arms over
my chest.
Hanma’s condescending smile slowly crept on his face as he
mirrored my action, “Okay! Here’s a riddle, what do you call a
bitch that’s dependent on drugs, sex, and alcohol—and that
can’t get enough of one violent fucker?” He asked mockingly.
My silence spoke loud enough, but he still insisted with his
look to have my answer. When I did not say anything, he
smiled. “An addict, yes you’re correct. Glad you’re still on
that learning curve, doll.” He walked past me, shoving his
phone in his pocket before walking to his bedroom. Moving
from the kitchen to the corridor that led to his room, I stood by
the entrance; I didn’t know why I followed him, but I stayed
silent while looking at him getting changed.
“Feeling a bit voyeur today?” Hanma asked as he slipped on
his pants and tucked his shirt in while staring straight at me. I
chuckled a bit at his remark, but ignored the question, “I didn’t
mean to slap you.” I started, noticing his face was one of pure
boredom as he tied the tie around his neck. I continued still,
“If you don’t want to call her by her name, find any other
degrading word you have in your vocabulary, but I don’t need
a constant reminder of how fucked up she’s getting because of
me.” I was not expecting him to reassure me or to tell me I had
nothing to do with it because we both knew how it had all
started. On that Halloween night. But it was not necessary to
mention it.
As he put on his vest and buttoned it up, he stepped closer to
me, looking down at me with an expressionless face. “Pretty
sure she’s an adult who fucked that Mad Dog on her own
terms, yeah? So if Molly doesn’t want to leave, that’s on her.”
I knew he had more than this to say, but he kept his mouth
shut, which I was grateful for. His words were somewhat
reassuring, if only because they put the blame on her and it
was something sad to admit. Even like this, I knew I was to
blame and I had to live with wherever her relationship was
leading her. I also knew that thinking about it right before
meeting her would turn the mood sour, so I forced a smile on
my face, making Hanma smile playfully in return.
“Molly, huh? You’re creative, I’ll give you that.” I scoffed
before letting my arms fall to my side and walking out of the
room as Hanma grabbed his jacket and shoes from his
wardrobe and followed me out. His little action from last night
did not go unnoticed when I saw shoes other than my heels
were placed by the door at the entrance—taking them, I sat on
the couch to tie them and felt Hanma sit next to me while he
did the same. “Are you going to drop my stuff at my place
while I’m away, or…?” I asked, finally putting my feet off the
low table once I had my shoes on. As I stood up, Hanma did
too and laughed in a low tone, “Oh, you thought your suicide
watch was done? Yeah, no. Plus, we have plans tomorrow.”
My reaction was enough to have him chuckle once again as he
patted my cheek before putting on his jacket and grabbing his
keys from the table. “Nothing too fancy, don’t worry your
pretty head over it.” And his words did nothing to alleviate
this feeling he had planned something awful for tomorrow.
The man was not one to plan dates or things as such, and I
would be stupid to think he would, too…
Once I had my bag and all that I needed to get out, we both
left the apartment and stepped inside the elevator. There was
some dry mud on the floor, a reminder of last night that I did
not need—so I spoke up and started a small talk, “What do
you need to do in town?”
“Do you really wanna know or is this an attempt at normal
socializing?” Hanma asked with a smirk, putting me on the
spot rather quickly. With a sigh, I looked up at him and rolled
my eyes, “None, I think I’ve reached my quota of hearing you
talk.” I stated. It made him let out a barking laugh as he
suddenly draped an arm around my shoulders and brought me
close to him, his cheek resting against my head as he forced it
to rest against his chest, “No, no, I’ll give you that little
domesticity you want babe—see, I have to kill someone.” He
let me move my head from him and looked at me with brows
raised in pure elation, “Ah! See, exactly the face I was
expecting you to make,” He rubbed his thumbs over my
eyebrows, “Stop frowning, it’s not like it’s surprising, that’s
literally in my job description.” He said before laughing and
walking out of the elevator once we had reached the ground
floor.
And he was right. I couldn’t be allowed to be surprised,
although I feared he’d surprise me more because I was sure he
was not done with me yet. I had yet to break the way he
wanted me to. “Saying it out loud still catches me off guard, I
suppose.” I said off-handedly once we reached the car that
hadn’t moved since last night. As we got in, he looked at me
with a huge grin, “Yeah? You can say it too! That was a full-on
murder you did, babe.” He patted my shoulder strongly before
sliding his hand to the junction of my neck, grabbing it with a
bit of force, “You better get over it fast, cause we’re nowhere
near done with this little job of ours.”
The strength of his fingers pressing against my skin felt so
good I was willing to ignore his words, but when he saw my
eyes dart to his hand, he pulled it away and laughed, “You’re
in heat or—” I quickly changed topic the moment he started
talking and fastened my seatbelt as I spoke, “You never told
me your plan. Since the very beginning, I have only been
following you out of fear, blindly too.” I then looked up at him
and without much emotion on my face, I said, “The fear factor
is kind of out the window if you ask me, but I’m still curious
about the whole thing.”
Pointing at the GPS in the dashboard, Hanma hummed
melodiously, “Isn’t it obvious?” He asked, making sure I felt
stupid for asking. While putting in the address where I was
supposed to meet up with Shiho, I glanced at him and quirked
a brow, “You want shares or something like that, but there are
easier ways to do that.”
Hanma sighed loudly and focused on the road, “Boring talk
but sure, let’s get on that. We’re killing every person on your
board, chairmen and shit like that, cause some of ‘em can’t be
bribed. If they don’t cooperate, we can’t do what we want. But
they need to be out, so we kill ‘em.” His explanation made
sense somehow, but I still did not know one thing so I asked,
or commented more than anything, “I hardly think Silas&Sons
has anything to bring to Bonten.” “Shell companies only last
so much. What better way to launder money than to do it
through a firm that’s been here for so long? You should really
wire your brain to think a bit more like a criminal, doll. It’s
either about money or power, nothing more.” Just like that, he
was bored. His face, empty of any spark, which I found was a
thrill bringer when adorning his features, was looking straight
at the road while he reached out with his free hand inside his
pocket to get his pack of cigarettes out.
“But you don’t do it for money and power, I don’t really know
why you’re staying with Bonten. I’m pretty sure you’d do
fairly well on your own.” I said off-handedly. It seemed
strange to have such a casual conversation about a topic like
killing people, committing crimes that could get you cooped
up in a cell for years and years. Not that it was easy to talk
about all this, there was still this knot in my stomach from
being aware that once I was out of his car, he’d be driving off
to kill someone. It was as if, if I made him drive very far, I
could stop that person from dying. As if, I was an obstacle or a
leash that stopped Hanma from going to kill that person. But I
was fooling myself, I was none of those. I was at best a task,
but nothing would stop him, not really. And I didn’t feel the
need to stop him either, it was easier to think there was
nothing I could do than to attempt stopping him when we were
both aware he’d win whatever argument I’d start. “The same
reason people use real estate agents to sell their house, you
know? Just mouth to mouth is boring and slow, while Bonten
makes it that easy to find people that wanna die!” He
chuckled, adding, “And the cops in their pocket is like the best
shit, if I were on my own I’d have to kill ‘em, that’d draw
attention to me. Sooner or later they’d be on my ass. Here, you
just say the name and you’re out of whatever shit you got
yourself into.”
He paused and looked at me from the corner of his eyes, now
smirking. I sighed loudly knowing he had more to say, and
gave him a strained smile, but asked while ignoring his
playfulness, “That’s still threatening, you could do that with
your Reaper title and get away with it, no? Why depend on
them?”
“Considering your life prospects? Interested in the fugitive
life? You’ve barely gotten in this mess, doll. Give it more time
before already thinking of leaving.” He said mockingly, his
tone higher and theatrical. I let out a short sigh, “I think I’m
good. Ask me again in a few years and if I haven’t gone mad
by then, I might consider the Bonnie and Clyde life.” As short
as it had been for them, that is. And perhaps I needed to go
mad to survive; after all, using logic and common sense was
getting more and more in the way. If anything, it made my
mind feel like tar: slow, constricting, blocking me and every
time I’d want to move past things, it felt like I couldn’t escape
it. “Didn’t they die after being chased down by the cops?” He
asked with a smirk, once more making fun of me for the
comparison.
“You know that’s not what I meant.” Was what I said, but now
I feared. It’s true they died at the end, maybe I had just jinxed
us by saying this? No, of course not, of course not—cause we
won’t get chased down, we’ll never get caught, that’s how
powerful Bonten was. That’s my safety net—
That’s my safety net.
Bonten is my safety net.
Because I was afraid of getting caught, and they could prevent
that.
“And it wouldn’t be fun to die either, I still have to fuck you
dumb!” He exclaimed with a laugh, finally stopping the car in
front of the café where we were to meet up for the afternoon.
“Aight, get out.” He ordered, unlocking the car and
unfastening my seatbelt for me. I threw him a glare and
stepped out, he was quick to reach over and slap my ass for no
reason, a huge grin on his lips. “I’ll be thinking of you.”
“While you kill a man?” I asked with furrowed brows.
Hanma tilted his head to the side and raised a brow, “Yeah?
Here, I’ll even take pics as a souvenir if you want!” This time
he showed his phone as emphasis, earning himself a confused
laugh from my person. If usually I’d have told him it was
fucked up, and it still was, I just knew that it was his way of
talking about his day. Some would complain about their
colleagues badly doing tasks, he would talk about killing
people, and I would too if I was going to be assigned tasks in
the same domain as Hanma. Which, hopefully, I wouldn’t. But
I wanted to hear him talk about his day, somehow it made me
smile, even if it was messed up.
“I will see you later…” I trailed off, not breaking eye contact
as I added hesitantly, “Have… fun?” Which probably was not
the good thing to say in such a situation, considering he was
on his way to kill someone. The wickedness spreading on his
face threw me back for a moment to our first days, “Oh, it’s
going to be a lot of fun.” He whispered excitedly before
putting his phone down on the passenger seat and nodding at
me to close the door.
When I did, I felt my chest weigh down as I watched him
drive off, but quickly took a deep breath, to calm down. Act
normal, you know normal. You’ve had normal your entire life,
you’re trained in not acting suspiciously, no one is out to get
you for shooting a man dead and burying him in the middle of
the night. I told myself when entering the café where we had
decided to meet up, a few heads turned around out of curiosity
only to look back at whomever they were talking to. My heart
was beating so fast I was starting to feel dizzy. I never
expected my body to act like this, so I forced myself to look
like I had everything in control.
A smile.
Back straight.
Head high.
False confidence was the key, right?
With heavy feet, I reached a table at the very corner of the
café, all too aware of everyone around me—and even if I
would call myself rational, rationality could never beat the
strength with which paranoia was holding me down.
I fought hard with my thoughts, I really did…
And it lasted long enough for me to order a drink and have it
brought to the table, thanking the waiter. I took a sip then
pulled out my phone and called Shiho.
She did not answer.
I repeated the action one, two, five times.
No answer.
Waiting for Shiho rapidly turned into worrying for Shiho.
Time went on and she was nowhere to be seen, even though
we had said to meet up an hour before so we could talk. My
thoughts quickly drifted to all the bad things that could have
happened to her.
Maybe she went somewhere with Sanzu and something bad
happened.
Maybe a lost bullet, as Hanma put it? Maybe someone tried to
kidnap her to get to him?
Or maybe he had given her something too strong for her to
handle…
The images in my head were too awful for me to keep
picturing them.
Whichever it was, it was important enough to not have her
answer my calls. Nor any of my texts.
As I gazed out the window, my eyes met the ones of a
policewoman that stepped out of a car that had just parked in
front of the café. Suddenly, my worry was overcome by
paranoia once more, my first instinct was to dive my hand in
my bag that rested on my lap. The weight of the gun in my
hand was comforting, a feeling I didn’t feel I should bask in,
but on what else could I rely right now?

On what else could I rely but this very weapon, when the
police had come for me?

This is it.

Fuck.
Chapter End Notes
Hey yo little mama let me whisper in your ear— still not
penis in vagina sex. Hoe’s mad?
Nah nah, here’s a fun fact : my bestie and beta suggested
the dildo idea and it’s shaped after his own dick. I think
it’s pretty funny. I also do believe this little lunch with the
girlies is going to be pretty fun :))
Thoughts on what happened this chapter? Theories? I
don’t think I’m that hard to get but surprise me with your
beautiful thoughts my lovelies.
I do still have a server 18+ that you are more than
welcomed to join for fun times and horny people over
fictional characters. Or just writing fun! Don’t be afraid
to ask to join, @PhysicalTurian on Twitter.
Until next time my lovelies…
Words : 10 695
Added on 20th March 2022
 Chapter 20
Chapter Notes

No more warning than those in the tags (do tell me if you

need more warnings though)
Reminder of this :
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7imDtnxDjCqHAZqu5o
7CWR?si=70f9a6375c094968
I thank my dearest bestie and beta for beta’ing this once
more
See the end of the chapter for more notes

The policewoman walked around her car, her eyes never

leaving mine.
A small smile drew itself on her lips as she leaned over the car
door and opened it—my throat tightened when Rai left the
passenger seat, she did not look at me however. Instead, she
went to open the backseat door. I feared what would come out
of this. Had she become so important that the police were
teaming up with her? Had she not kept her mouth shut?
Aiko stepped out and bowed at the policewoman before
watching her get back to her car. That simple action was
enough for the penny to drop.
Rai was dating a policeman, it was probably a simple favor
from one of his friends to drop the two women here. I had no
real proof of that, they could still be working all together but
until then, I could at least take a deep breath and relax. That
little fright did the trick and helped me focus on something
completely other than Shiho’s MIA status. When they walked
towards the café, they didn’t see me right away—I was too far
in the back to be noticed if one wasn’t fully paying attention.
Watching them enter the building, I raised a hand to get their
attention and smiled at Aiko who smiled back, then at Rai
whose face was showing how afraid she was. From Aiko’s
reaction, she didn’t know about my encounter with Rai last
night and I found relief in that, and only that. Because Shiho
wasn’t there. Because Hanma wasn’t there. No one that really
understood me was there.
But I had to keep the charade up. The charade of being sane,
of being innocent, proper.
Getting out of my seat, I opened my arms wide, “Aiko! It’s
been so long!” I wrapped my arms around her and looked at
Rai over her shoulder, a tight smile on my lips that she hardly
returned. “It has, it has. Since the Halloween party, right? You
disappeared that night girl, what the hell happened? Haven’t
heard from you since!” She exclaimed before taking a seat
around the square table right where I had seated myself. I sat
in front of her, my back to the door, forcing Rai to either sit on
my right or on my left. Half-heartedly, she draped her coat on
the seat on my left and looked at me with fear in her eyes, her
actions as stiff as a stick. I didn’t quite like having my back
facing the door, I couldn’t see people coming in, leaving, I
couldn’t keep track of who was with us in the room. Worst of
all was that I couldn’t see if the police were arriving or not.
Chuckling, I took a sip from my drink and looked at the girls,
“I went home with a friend, that is all.” I had lied enough
times about this that I knew what to say or what not to say. Rai
however seemed to be dead set on getting information from
me; while looking at the menu, she mumbled, “Is it just a
friend?” She did not look at me. Aiko nudged her playfully,
“Rai, you’re so nosy, at least get a drink before asking for
gossip!” The ginger chuckled before pointing at a drink on the
menu and saying it seemed good. Once they had both decided
on their drink, we waited for a waiter to come.
“I saw a pretty girl at the party, been talking to her since. I’d
say that evening was a success.” Aiko said almost shyly as her
face heated up. Resting my elbows on the table, I looked at her
with a big smile, “Yeah? Did you get laid?” “You! I—that’s
not the point, I’ve been talking to her everyday is what I’m
getting at, whether I got laid or not doesn’t matter.” She said
rapidly, a smile forming on her lips just from talking about the
girl she had met. Or perhaps she was embarrassed because I
was right and she had gotten laid that night, not that I truly
cared. It was odd, I didn’t feel any warmth in my chest like I
would when talking to Shiho, even if when talking with her I
was also filled with worry.
With a laugh, I tried to look at Aiko’s phone, purposely
making it obvious as I hooked my finger onto the screen and
tried to push it down to have it flat on the table. “Yeah? Does
she send fun pictures at least? Was she fucked up or did you
find someone sane?” She slapped my hand away with a loud
laugh. At the same time, Rai scoffed on her side, looking at me
with something close to disgust. Aiko didn’t hear and locked
her screen, “She is very sane, but insanely cute and we have
the same taste in music—she loves plants too, we’re going to
take things slow.” “Even if you two fucked on Halloween,
right?” She looked up at me with wide eyes and a flushed face.
I didn’t need her to tell me with words that it had happened,
seeing her reaction. And yet, she looked down at the table,
waiting for the waiter to put their glasses down before
speaking, “We were drunk, but it was fun and we talked a lot
after…”
“I wasn’t shaming you!” I quickly said, feeling I had offended
her. “I was teasing you, don’t worry. As long as you do
something you find suitable for you, I’m all supportive.”
“You’re the supportive type, boss?” Rai asked with a sweet
smile. Her insolence caught me off guard, but I didn’t let it
show, even if my heart was pounding. I also now understood
she was not the forgiving type at all.
Instead, I raised a brow at her, not knowing what her angle
was, “Well, yeah. I wouldn’t shame my friends for doing what
they like—who they like.” The latter part was said to Aiko
more than to Rai. The ginger laughed and quickled texted back
on her phone while I talked with Rai who sipped on her straw
before saying, “What’s the limit of your support?” “I’m open
minded, Rai. Do you have something you want to tell us? I’m
sure whatever you have to say wouldn’t surprise me.” “Oh no,
no, I don’t have anything to say but I was just curious, like if I
were to kill someone, would you help me hide the body?”
That’s a blind attempt. She doesn’t know anything. She just
assumes the worst. What could she know? Nothing. She has no
contacts, no one saw us at the cemetery, that’s how I tried to
rationalize in my head in the span of a few seconds before
letting out a small laugh, “No, that’s a great question!” I said
enthusiastically, asking Aiko to join us, “Aiko, what would
you do if Rai killed someone and asked for help to hide the
body?”
Rai threw me a glare, hating how I switched the topic back to
Aiko.
“I wanna say I’d help you out, but if you fucked up too bad
and the cops are already after you then you’re on your own,
Rai babe.” We all laughed except Rai who clicked her tongue
on her teeth before taking a large gulp of her drink and with a
long sigh, she continued, “Now that we’re seated, it’s true you
haven’t given us any news since the Halloween party.” Rai
started, but I was quick to jump on that and pat her shoulder,
startling her in the process, as I smiled politely, “We’ve seen
each other at the firm, you knew I was doing well.” “Not Aiko
though, tell her about your evening.” She was insistent, I never
knew my junior to be like that. Motivated to have tasks, of
course, but pushy? That was a new side of her I wasn’t sure I
enjoyed. If anything, it made me want to tell her off, but I
couldn’t. It was not a professional setting, so I had no power
here.
“Made out a bit with one of the cops—with the dude that had
brought his friends with him. One of them was Rai’s
boyfriend, what was his name again?” I asked innocently at
Rai who tensed, probably afraid to drop the information and
perhaps also unaware I already knew what his name was.
Mumbling something, Rai then shut her mouth but Aiko asked
for details playfully, “Didn’t hear you there chief, what’s his
name? It better not be something lame, like, is it moanable at
least?” Her comment almost made me snort my drink through
my nose when I held back a laugh, my eyes locked on Rai
with a beaming smile once I had swallowed. Seeing her
annoyed like this was entertaining, I don’t know why I wanted
to see what else she’d try to get me to admit. I wanted to see
what else she knew and how creative she would get to get
what she wanted.
“Kei.” She sighed, her face absolutely sour. “I wouldn’t know
if it’s moanable, we’ve been together for like a week.” She
then turned to me and with something close to a smirk, at least
for someone as little confident as she was, and she asked,
“You did go home with someone, didn’t you? Who was it?”
Oh, did I love seeing her try. Her stupidity was making me
smile as I leaned over the table a little bit with a smile on my
face, “Mmm, it was a one night stand. I was only allowed to
call him sir.” Was all I said as I leaned back on my chair and
saw Aiko’s face turn brighter as her eyes widened shortly
before she smiled when Rai’s mouth was left wide open in
shock. I let out a chuckle and finished my drink, “I could put
you in contact with some people if you’d like!” I exclaimed,
making Aiko laugh once more. She was utterly unaware of
what was going on, but seeing Rai speechless was enough to
make her happy. “Yeah, I’m sure you got contacts in lots of
places, lots of organizations.” She smiled dryly.
Her lack of subtlety was ruining the fun, so I grabbed my bag
and stood up suddenly—I saw her flinch as I did so. “I have to
pee so bad,” I looked at Aiko and smiled sweetly, “Stay here
in case Shiho arrives? I know the stalls of this place aren’t
lockable, so I’m taking Rai with me.” I chuckled, gripping the
woman’s arm with force.
She did not dare complain, but she did throw a look at Aiko
who was already on her phone, telling us to hurry up. When
we were far enough from the table and right before entering
the bathroom, Rai pushed me so I pushed her inside the room,
locking the door behind us. Stepping away from me, she
exclaimed in a pressed whisper, “You’re a maniac!” “I haven’t
done shit yet, can you at least wait until I’ve threatened you
before starting a fight?” I countered with a confused
expression before shoving my hand in my bag and looking
around the room for cameras as I asked, “Didn’t I tell you to
stop digging?” When I was sure there were no cameras, I
pulled out my gun with my sole goal being to frighten her—
and it worked. I saw her tense up. “I’m not doing anything.”
“Rai, cut the shit. It’s not subtle, I don’t know why the police
still think you can give them anything. They’re a bit stupid if
you ask me.” I pondered out loud, swinging my gun-holding
arm a bit so she wouldn’t dare move. It was exciting to be in
this situation because I found that the thrill of being pursued
diminished my guilt, it tossed it far away in the corner of my
brain and it felt so good.
“What are you talking about, boss?” Rai chuckled, taking me
for an idiot. With a quick movement, I stepped close to her and
looked at her with a widening smirk, “What am I talking
about?” I whispered as I leaned over to whisper to her ear
before pressing the gun to her stomach and seeing her visibly
flinch at that. I then lifted her shirt and tried to snatch the wire
she’d be wearing, but she had none. Of course she had none,
why would she repeat the same mistake? An elated laugh
escaped my lips, catching me off guard just as much as it did
Rai. “Remember that you could have avoided everything by
simply not being this nosy.” I started before stepping back
from her and helping her chin up with the barrel of the gun.
Her eyes widened, she held her breath for a moment as she put
her hands behind her back—so that’s where it is.
With widened eyes, I couldn’t help the smile on my lips, “Rai,
Rai, Rai… You really can’t do shit right, can you?” I taunted
in a low tone before asking her to turn around. She was
reticent, so much so that I had to force her to do it, her face
pressed against the wall. I saw how her hands moved to her
front this time. Another short laugh escaped my lips as I
gripped her arms tight and forced them apart, her phone falling
to the ground with a clatter. I quickly let her arms go and
grabbed the device before she could take it. Her fight or flight
response took over. “Give it back—give me my fucking phone
back!” She went to grab it from me, but I pulled it away from
her. The woman was stronger than expected and she pushed
me to the ground, the back of my head hitting the cold floor
and making me see white for a short time before I sat up and
pulled her leg, making her fall too. “Rai, stop hitting me!” I
exclaimed with a smile. Her eyes widened once more in shock,
“I’m not–”
“Please stop it, Rai, I didn’t even touch you!” I said with a
fake sob before punching the hand dryer; she seemed to try to
mute the phone now, making it all the more thrilling as I
crawled on all fours to her and snatched it from her hand,
“You’re crazy! I didn’t do anything, I don’t know what you
want from me! Please let go of me!” I said out of breath, with
a voice dripping in fake panic. I couldn’t help the smile from
growing on my face upon seeing her confusion and fear. She
did not dare speak, so I stood up and made sure to not step on
her as I opened a bathroom stall and dropped her phone in the
toilet. We both stared at each other in silence, then when I
thought it’d been long enough for the phone to have died
down, I smiled sweetly, “You’re curious and I think it’s
entertaining, so I’ll give you something, ok?”
She shook her head before going for the door but I was the one
on my feet, she was on the ground—I was fast to block her
way. Getting my phone out, I pressed Hanma’s contact and
waited for him to pick up; after all, if she wanted to know, why
not give her something to work with?
One ring.
Two rings.
“I’m pretty busy right now, babe. What do you need?” I heard
Hanma, out of breath before something metallic hit the
ground. I did not wonder long about it and, as if I had sobered
up upon hearing his voice, I suddenly felt calmer, “Rai’s here
with me, she’s been asking about Halloween. Do you want to
tell her anything?” I hadn’t put him on speaker yet, fortunately
too since he chuckled slowly and I heard as he spoke that he
was smiling, “Is the rat snooping around again? It’s kinda hot
that my girl’s beating someone up, are you having fun at
least?” He asked, my face heating up from his words. I met
Rai’s face and quickly cleared my throat, “Yes. Do you have
something to tell her?” “The fuck would I care about her? I
wanna know what my girl looks like right now after taking
care of that bitch.” I laughed at that, then heard him continue,
“Put me on speaker, I’ll give her something.”
So I did.
“Bit curious, are we? Here, I’ll give you a hint of what that
curiosity brought you, are ya listening?” He made this a lot
more interactive than it should have been, but I laughed to
myself at that. When Rai didn’t reply, I said, “She’s listening, I
threw her phone away so no one is listening but her.”
Hanma hummed and simply said, “712, does that ring any
bell?”
Her eyes widened in shock, her mouth now agape, “Babe?”
Hanma brought his attention back to me while still on speaker.
Him calling me such out in the open caught me off guard, but I
hummed in response to tell him I was listening, “Make me
proud,” He smiled, warming my heart, “gotta go.” He quickly
added and right before hanging up, I heard a thud of
something muffled hitting the ground.
When I locked my phone, I looked down at Rai and pouted,
“You look a bit sick, get yourself together, Rai. It’s not very
hero-like of you to get shaken by such a small thing!” I then
took a few steps towards her and patted her head. She had
closed her eyes in fear I’d hit her, but I didn’t really feel any
regrets. “Get up and toughen up, you wanted this. You went
looking for it, I’m only doing what I have to do to keep you
out of it. You should be thanking me.” It felt like a déjà vu, but
not one where I had been the offender. I was slowly coming to
the realization that I was turning into him.
“You’re a bitch.” Rai spat as she stood up. “Yeah, and you’re a
mole, in the end we’ll hunt you down and you’ll lose if we
trust the power scale of those two little beasts.” I couldn’t
believe I had said we would hunt her down. I hadn’t meant
Bonten, I had meant Hanma and I, my stupid brain even
thought it would be a great way to spend time together. But I
also had this ever present feeling of shame upon doing all of
this, one that I tried to justify by believing I still had some
goodness in me. Something I knew I shouldn’t do, yet couldn’t
help but do it.
Rai only scoffed as she walked past me with shaky legs, her
strut interrupted by the locked door. She looked stupid,
probably felt it too as she unlocked it and walked out of the
room with her head high. Any joy I was feeling at having shut
down her little information-gathering moment disappeared
from my body when at our table I saw Sanzu sitting by Shiho’s
side. The only time I had seen him after threatening him and
crossing a limit I shouldn’t have crossed was at the Casino,
with Hanma by my side. I had no one to back me up today, but
at least Shiho seemed in a good state and she could perhaps
coo the man into being tame. “Shi, you’ve finally arrived!” I
exclaimed enthusiastically with open arms, welcoming her
once she stood up and hugged me tightly, “Sorry, got a bit
delayed. Haru had to help out, you know.” She winked
secretively, but I did not know what she was talking about so I
nodded along with a smile.
“It’s alright, you’re here now… accompanied on a girls’ day
out.” I raised a brow at Sanzu who was texting someone to
then look up at me with a bored expression. “What?” He spat.
Shiho chuckled and sat down next to him, she was on my right
and the pink-haired man had pulled up a chair to sit to her
right, so he was then seated between Aiko and Shiho. “Didn’t
say anything.” I shrugged, bringing my drink to my lips and
realizing it was empty.
The scarred man laughed, “Nah, if you got a problem, just say
it. We can order a fancy drink so you can threaten me with a
bottle again.” I cut him off by talking to Aiko and Shiho,
“Anyone want a drink? Do we order the food already?” I
threw Sanzu a side glare, hoping he would keep his mouth
shut, and he did. But actions could sometimes speak louder
than words, and I was sure he knew what role Rai was playing
in the current situation. And yet, he took off his jacket and
rolled up his sleeve, his tattoo on full display now as he rested
an elbow on the table and placed his chin on his fist.
“Absolutely, I’m starving!” Shiho exclaimed, grabbing the
menu from the table and leaning over Sanzu to look at it with
him. Someone brought more menus for us to look at and I was
quick to pick what I wanted, while Rai’s gaze kept flickering
to the window. I don’t know who from her team was nearby,
but I couldn’t relax now that Sanzu was here and I knew he
could get caught by whoever Rai was working with.
Aiko’s sweet voice broke the silence when she looked over at
Sanzu, “I like your tattoo, it kinda feels familiar.” She spoke
softly. The pink-haired man looked down at his forearm and
inspected it a moment before grinning, “Yeah? Give it some
time, maybe it’ll come back to your little head.” That bastard.
He was having fun, he was having a blast but he shouldn’t
have been flaunting it like that, right? But why couldn’t he—
after all, the Haitani brothers wore it on their throats, there was
nothing more eye-catching than that. “Are you not going to tell
me?” Aiko chuckled, completely unaware of who she was
talking to. Sanzu was playing along and waved her off, “It’s
funnier like that, right babe?” He looked at Shiho and held her
jaw tight before kissing her and whispering something I
couldn’t quite hear, but that made her face flush a million of
colors. “When we’re done, I–” She was interrupted when the
man reached for something in his pocket and forced her mouth
open, placing the pill on her tongue and closing her mouth
shut, “Give it time and you’ll be up to play when we’re done.”
The action in itself felt like it was done against her will, but
the way they were looking in each other’s eyes was intimate,
close. I had to force myself to look away and finally talk to
Aiko and Rai, who were so embarrassed by the couple at our
table that I had to start some small talk. Rai had a hard time
not taking her stuff and leaving, I could see how much she was
fidgeting on her seat. I asked them if they had decided what
they wanted. A short exchange of pros and cons of certain
meals compared to others was done since Aiko had a hard time
deciding. Rai said she wasn’t hungry, but she still took
something when I looked at her with a look that told her to
stop playing around. We all talked casually, with Sanzu
keeping his mouth shut most of the time only to make sly,
sometimes funny comments before returning to his phone. I
understood his boredom, this was not his usual crowd and
somehow… it was kind of him to accompany Shiho. I don’t
know if he had something else to gain from this but lost time
and far from me the idea of doubting him, only because Shiho
liked him, but it was odd to simply stay here when you could
be doing something a lot more entertaining.
Or maybe I was projecting.
Maybe I wanted to do something more interesting.
This almost relaxing time we were having now that the food
was finished had to be interrupted, ruined by Rai’s
intervention. I did wonder how long it’d take her to get her
stupidity back and it looked like after a whole meal she was up
and about for more irrational actions. “Why don’t you talk
about your tattoo?” She asked Sanzu with a rude nod of her
head. Aiko faced her so fast she could have sprained a muscle,
just to glare at Rai, silently telling her it was not polite to do
that. It caught Sanzu’s attention who moved his arm from
around Shiho’s shoulders, stopping our conversation as he
leaned slightly over the table. His action made Rai tense up,
Shiho only put her hand on his thigh with a laugh as the pink-
haired man pulled out a small knife from his pocket. This time
everyone was startled, but there was no time to ask anything
before he leaned back and pressed the blade right next to the
tattoo to point at it, “This one?” He asked excitedly.
Aiko chuckled nervously, I gave her a small smile that
disappeared when Rai threw any common sense out the
window and nodded, albeit nervously, “Yes, the one that
belongs to a scum criminal organization.” At the same time
Sanzu interrupted Rai with a loud laugh, Aiko tensed and
looked at him with what seemed to be realization since her
face lost all color it once had. “I was wondering when you’d
open your mouth!” He exclaimed with another barked laugh. I
glanced at Shiho who was smiling lazily and did not seem to
care about what her ‘partner’ was doing.
“Lower your voice we’re in–” public, was how I was going to
finish my sentence, but Sanzu stood up and planted the knife
in the wooden table before rapidly approaching his face to
Rai’s, a grin on his face. “Did’ya just flinch? What, did I scare
you?” He whispered happily, manically too, but I believed it
was an act. Because the moment he sat down, his smile fell
and he stared at Rai, “Talking shit about an organization that
could have you killed…” He snapped his fingers and smirked,
“Like that, isn’t smart. But then again, you look dumb as shit,
so.” Sanzu shrugged before taking the knife back and looking
at it, fakely enthralled as he continued, “Ya wanna know what
the tattoo means, or–”
Aiko suddenly stood up with all her stuff and bowed to us, “I
have to go, I–” She glanced at Sanzu and before we could say
anything, she turned around, accidentally hitting the chair with
her foot before walking away rapidly. I think I heard her
mumble something but I did not watch her go, I was too busy
gauging the tension between Rai’s frightened form and
Sanzu’s taunting one. “That’s damn disrespectful to get up and
leave just like that, don’t you think babe?” The criminal asked
Shiho, who was now resting her head on his shoulder, content,
“You must have scared her, I get it that she’d do that.” She
shrugged before straightening her back and looking at me
curiously. I tried to make her understand that he needed to
calm down by widening my eyes and looking at him a few
times, but Shiho just pouted and mouthed, “It’s fun, no?”
I wanted to laugh, and I think I did let out a chuckle, but it was
quickly forgotten when Rai spoke again with fake confidence.
Poorly faken, too. “Why do you talk about respect when
you’re part of–” “Here are the desserts you’ve ordered” The
waitress smiled, not feeling the tension until she saw Rai and
Sanzu’s staring contest—although it was not really a
competition when your opponent was out of your league. The
waitress kindly put the plates down and smiled. I thanked her
politely and watched her leave before taking a bite of the piece
of cake I had gotten, just as Shiho did on her side.
No one let out a sound for a few seconds until Rai started
again, “Shiho, what did he promise you? What does he have
on you that makes you stay with him?!” Oh, how fun it was to
watch her trying to rationalize the situation. As if Shiho had
not completely stepped into this by herself, choosing to be a
trophy wife—she did not choose to be addicted, I reminded
myself, but still, I couldn’t help but chuckle at Rai’s words as I
brought the fork to my mouth to hold back from smiling. “She
fucked up my plan,” She pointed at me with pure distress in
her eyes but did not look at me, making me raise my brows in
surprise as I swallowed. The innocent woman continued, “But
you’re not you—he drugged you! You’re still sane, I’m sure I
can get you out!”
Shiho’s content expression disappeared from her face as she
reached over the table and slapped her, before sitting back and
looking at Rai with a deadly expression. “First, tone it down,
you’re in public. I don’t know how entitled you can be to be
this loud in public, but fuck is it annoying. Second, how wrong
can you get it? Like, I got into this as a consenting adult.”
Shiho said as a matter of fact, now looking at Rai like she was
the dumbest person she’s ever seen. It wasn’t supposed to be
funny, but she had been annoying the entire lunch, and seeing
her shock and redden in embarrassment was sort of funny.
“Wanna hear the pros and cons?” Shiho asked. Rai was about
to tell her no, but Shiho continued to speak anyway, making
Sanzu proud, “Pros, pretty man, great guy too! Good dick,
good drugs, fun time? And money when needed—so what if
the cons are that he kills people? See, the only damn difference
between Bonten and other ‘respectable’ corporations is that
Bonten owns up to their shit. I don’t see big fancy names
living up to the fact that they overwork people–” “I think she
got it, babe.” Sanzu chuckled with a grin as he leaned in to
kiss her right in front of Rai, making sure to throw my
coworker a side glare as he deepened the kiss.
When he parted from the kiss, Sanzu mocked Rai, “Imagine
getting angry at consensual shit, how fucked-up are you?”
My junior was not that deterred for someone who had just
been humiliated, “It’s because of you.” She now looked at me,
eyes watery and yet, filled with a burning fire. “You and that
guy with the–” Tattooed hands placed themselves on her
shoulders, pressing down hard on them. I knew I shouldn’t be
smiling, but as I looked up at the owner of those beautiful
hands, I couldn’t help but grin excitedly. “Who are we talking
about?” Hanma asked amused, without ever letting go of Rai’s
shoulders. “You, you bastard. She’s about to go off about how
we’re bad people.” Sanzu said with a huge smile, one Hanma
did not return when looking at the pink-haired man. He did,
however, give me a small smile when his gaze locked with
mine before stepping in-between Rai and me. “Yeah? I’m all
ears.” Hanma cooed.
He then reached for Rai’s untouched piece of cake and
grabbed the fork, “Are you finishing this?” When she did not
reply, Hanma grabbed the plate and took a bite. All she did
was stay frozen, her face riddled with fear and anxiety. “Ya
know,” he started, his mouth full of the dessert, “It’s a bit of a
waste to not finish your cake—some people just bite much
more than they can chew.” He hummed, reaching for my glass
and he downed it, smiling broadly when my junior looked
straight ahead, not daring to glance at anyone. It was funny
how she had been daring with Sanzu and not with Hanma,
funny and curious…
Hanma then put the plate down and forced Rai to look at him
as he brought his hand at the level of his wrist, “But like,
others are just greedy. Give ‘em this,” then he put his hand
higher to his arm, “And they take this!” He exclaimed
theatrically, looking at Rai intently. “All I’m saying is that
people shouldn’t do things they’re not ready to deal with, you
know? Moderation is key—you gotta take things slow.” I
didn’t know what he was doing, but the entire speech felt off.
When he leaned over and spoke right next to Rai’s ear, I had a
strong feeling of apprehension, “Take things by bits and
pieces, then you can build something nice. That’s the smart
thing to do, don’t you think?” The woman on the receiving
end of those strange words shivered in fear, I saw it from how
strong it had been. She did not dare reply and that bored
Hanma who straightened his back and placed a hand on my
head, “Anyway! Gotta go, right babe?” I could see he was
holding back a laugh, so I made sure to remember to ask him
what had amused him so much as I grabbed my stuff and stood
up.
Shiho called out my name softly and I met her eyes with a
kind smile, feeling Hanma’s arm slither around my waist and
making me tense up at the display of affection. “We should do
this again—just you and me.” She said with a grin, making
sure to dramatically look at Rai’s terrified face, giving her a
deadly look. My junior looked like she was about to pass out,
and even if I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do—in a way
that it felt wrong—I patted her shoulder, “Your small talk
wasn’t great, I think. You could try again another time.” I
barely had time to finish talking when she stood up and
slapped my hand away from her, pure hatred written on her
face. It made me smirk for some reason.
“Don’t you dare touch me!” She hissed angrily as she put on
her coat and glanced at Hanma this time, “They’ll take you
down! You’re done, you’re going down–” Hanma cut her off
and leaned over to rest his head on my shoulder, “On her,
yeah. I give her head, I hardly think your boyfriend could do
that to you.” That comeback of his did not sound like it made
much sense. But he was proud of it, that I knew when he
chuckled as he leaned back and placed both his hands on my
shoulders while we all watched Rai storm off with her bag
almost falling off her shoulder and onto the ground if she
hadn’t caught it.
When I was sure she was gone, I sighed and went to move
Hanma’s hands but only let go of one, holding onto it behind
my back, “Why did you pull out a knife?” I asked Sanzu
through gritted teeth.
Catching me off guard, he shrugged, “For the same reason you
got her in that restroom, right?” Shit, had they arrived when I
left and dragged her there? I was about to stress over them
seeing me roughening her up on the way there, but it didn’t
matter, not around them. Not when they probably did worse in
their lives. “She’s my problem—one I took care of discreetly
in the bathroom while you openly threatened her.” “Yeah?
Didn’t look like it was taken much care of since she was still
yapping like a bitch. Now we’re sure she’ll shut the fuck up.”
Sanzu shrugged, ticking me off from how carefree he seemed.
“Humiliation easily fuels people into doing dumb shit and
what you did clearly did the trick of giving her even more
reasons to work with the police.” I stated before continuing,
“She was already wired once, this time it was her phone.
Meeting up with her just… shouldn’t happen anymore.” I
explained, shaking my head at the loss of a potentially good
friend, one that if stripped of curiosity would have stayed in
my life and made me feel somewhat normal. But now, if I saw
her, all I’d see was someone with a death flag on her head. If
she did not stop working with the police, if she did not drop
the vigilante arc, she would not survive. I just knew it, I knew
Bonten would not let her go, because she was insistent—
which was something they did not like. They wanted
compliance, weakness, people willing to be bribed.
But she was just good. Stupidly good. Stupidly kind. I feared
it’d be the death of her, this willingness of hers to do the right
thing. I was learning to let go of that, she should also learn to
do so before it got too late, before Bonten took her down.
“Good, she was boring anyway.” Hanma hummed as he turned
me around and guided me away from the table, “See you
around, Mad Dog—you.” He nodded at Shiho, not calling her
anything as he let go of my hand and pressed onto my lower
back to tell me to move. I supposed it was the best I could ask
for, but it would not last long, that respect of his. I knew him. I
couldn’t expect him to go out of his way for anyone, and if he
did so now, it was surely a one time thing.
Waving them goodbye, I left the coffee shop with Hanma and
followed him to the car. Once we both got inside and fastened
our seatbelts, I was the first to speak, “I didn’t fuck up with
Rai, did I? They don’t have any recordings of anything,
nothing was said–” “Does it really matter?” Hanma interrupted
me. He started the car and looked at the road, “What can she
even do? Bitch can’t gather intel for shit. If anything, the pigs
are shitting themselves for trusting her.” He explained with a
short laugh. He was right, if she was working with the police it
must have been frustrating for them to work with her—she
was letting her emotions take so much control she was
messing up the simplest of tasks, even ones that only required
subtlety, something she’d lose every time her focus slipped.
“Where are you driving us? This doesn’t look like the road we
took earlier…” I asked with my face turned towards the
streets, curious and confused. Hanma hummed melodiously
before teasingly saying, “You had your one-on-one with
Mikey, no? Didn’t I say that meant big things for you?” He
had this habit of saying things like they were facts, like I could
have connected the dots myself and all I could do was roll my
eyes before looking at him, “Which means?” I asked.
“You need to be branded! Now sure, the bruises on your tits
and neck—that’s my brand, but people gotta know you also
belong to Bonten. But to me before anything else, got it?”
The idea of being branded in the name of Bonten felt odd, but
not as repulsive as it should have been, as it would have been
if it had been mentioned at the beginning of all this. If
anything, his argument of being part of Bonten, even if not
worded as respectfully, felt inviting. I wouldn’t say I struck
fear in people throughout my life, only a few times perhaps as
most would when getting mad or very emotional—but being
able to show off a simple design and seeing people’s scared
faces felt somewhat exciting, quite riveting, powerful.
“Am I allowed to pick where I want it? Or am I forced to have
it on a stupid spot like the Haitani brothers?”
“They look like shit, but let’s not blame it on the tattoo.” He
scoffed, making me pucker my lips in doubt a bit, half-
jokingly, half-honestly. I wouldn’t say they looked like shit,
they acted like ones but they looked rather charming, that is to
some extent only. Afterall, their personalities made them
despicable. Hanma laughed at that and parked the car in front
of a building before leaning on the wheel and looking at me
with a lopsided scary smile, “Now you say, ‘yes Shuji, they’re
ugly assholes’. You don’t stay silent, unless you really meant it
when I suggested to get fucked by Ran.” “They’re not ugly
physically, but their personality is, I won’t lie about it. They’re
attractive and that’s a fact. I simply prefer people with more
tattoos, other than those who flaunt them.” The moment those
words left my mouth I knew I was a fool because Hanma did
flaunt his tattoos. Having Sin and Punishment adorning the
back of his hands was anything but discreet, and if I had come
to the realization that I had spilled bullshit, Hanma did too.
“Quite a lame way to cover up the fact that you wanna fuck
the Haitani brothers, doll.” He then unbuckled his seatbelt and
reached out for my face; I tensed and instantly melted when he
tucked a strand of hair behind my ear with a strained smile,
“Would it turn you on more if you knew they were both
tattooed on half their bodies each, then? Matching ones too!
Picture it, tell me if that gets you going.” He mocked dryly.
Pushing his hand away, I met his gaze with determination and
clenched my jaw as I pondered my words carefully. I couldn’t
really fuck up in that very moment, knowing he was offended
by my admittance of finding them attractive—it had been
platonically said, but he didn’t care. After a while, once I had
my words, I said, “You want honesty and when you have it,
you get upset. So instead, I’ll tell you what you wanna hear, oh
no Shuji, it’s not attractive, your cock is my addiction, it’s only
you that I want, I could never find anyone else but you
attractive and if I did, I’d be a whore–”
Seconds, that was all it took for him to force my seat to go
down when he pulled it.
Seconds, that was all it took for him to move to my lap and
keep himself balanced and constricted between the top of the
car and me.
Seconds, that was all it took to have his fingers digging in my
jaw as he made sure I was looking at him while he leaned over
my face. He then moved his free hand to grip my hair tight and
pull it back with strength.
His breath was warm on my skin, but the tickle of it made the
hairs on my neck rise, “You got too comfortable there, doll.
Do I need to remind you of who you belong to? Of the respect
you owe me?” He laughed, but it wasn’t light. He was pissed
off, at me? It was surprising because it had never happened
before, but maybe… maybe he had acted like that out of
jealousy? I did not dare ask.
“Don’t go silent now, doll. You seemed so ready to be a bitch
right now, mm?” He cooed at me, daring me to speak up. But
he did not really want to hear it. His grip on my hair tightened
and I winced, never breaking the lock our gazes were in. He
scared me, but only a little because a whole other feeling was
engulfing that very one, arousal. When Hanma let out a
breathy laugh, I muttered my confidence and gritted through
my teeth, “So you want the truth?” I asked, trying to push a bit
away from him, but that was all for show, I simply wanted to
see what he’d do. And what he did was press even more
against my hands, almost liking seeing me struggle. That is
what I wanted to believe, at least, perhaps because I wanted
him to show me his strength, his brutality. “Be my guest, doll.”
He breathed with his lips now brushing against mine as a mean
grin broadened on his lips.
When I tried to kiss him, he pulled my head back and laughed
at my face, “Talk.”
With warming cheeks, I kept glancing at his lips, then his eyes,
over and over. “I’m curious to see their tattoos, that’s all.”
“Oh, you’re curious! Ask them to get naked then? Wouldn’t
need much incentive seeing how much they wanna fuck you.”
Those last two words were spoken manically, tone raising just
for the theatrics.
“So you’d let them fuck me?” I taunted, perhaps biting more
than I could chew and yet I continued, “A bit stupid of you to
let them fuck your property, it’s like letting a dog piss on your
bag. Are you a pushover?”
Hanma stopped a moment before unfastening my seatbelt and
opening the door; in seconds he was out and was ordering me
to get out too. When my feet were on the ground, he pushed
me by the shoulders, forcing my knees to hit the hard ground
and making me gasp in pain. He did not care as he grabbed a
fistful of my hair once again, his face close to mine, “Talk to
me like that in front of anyone and you’ll regret it, doll. I love
the energy, I do! But it’s better kept in the bedroom, you agree,
yeah? You wouldn’t wanna be put on your knees in front of
everyone, would’ya?” He asked, but I assumed it was
rhetorical and kept my mouth shut, unable to look away from
him. “Confidence sure is key, but not with me. You don’t get
to be anything but my obedient woman until I tell you to bite,
got it?” He emphasized his last words by pulling at my hair
once, lifting me slightly from sitting back on my heels to
relying on my knees fully.
When he looked down at me, I couldn’t be more ashamed to
feel flustered by his touch and the intense look he was giving
me. Of course I knew the situation was not supposed to make
me feel like this at all, yes I knew that… But I couldn’t help it,
it was out of my control, so with a small smile I breathed,
“Yeah, got it.” Suddenly I was free of all the pressure in my
hair when he let go and grabbed my arm to help me up, “See!
Knew you could be a good girl. Just for that, we’ll see what
we’ll do with Ran.” “Nothing, I don’t want him to touch me,
he’s a piece of shit.” I interrupted him as I put my hair in
place, trying to fix his mess.
Turning around, Hanma hummed melodiously as he pulled me
with him and entered the building, “Never said anything about
him touching you, did I?” The ends of his words were higher
pitched and teasing. He had me confused and excited at the
same time. But before I could ask anything, someone at the
entrance of the hall walked up to us and asked Hanma for his
vest, along with my coat. It looked like a fancy building but
there was no life in it, if it wasn’t for that one person at the
entrance and the three people far in the back of the room, it
was empty of any activity.
No one was walking around, rushing out of the building for
business matters or stepping in for the same reason.
The elevator was not humming as it’d go up and down.
It was cold, lifeless and yet the design of the place was warm-
looking. Some wood here and there brought a semblance of
familiarity to contrast the cold tiles on the ground covered
with a long red rug.
All that was echoing against the wall was some trap music
playing from a phone far away from Hanma and I. “Could it
be any more ominous?” I asked Hanma. He let go of my arm
and slithered his hand around my waist, “Could you complain
even more?” He replied jokingly as he pushed against my
lower back to force me to walk, which I did with my heart
beating fast in my chest. I had to think of a placement for the
tattoo, a size, would it take long? Hanma said I could pick, I
think… .but would he truly let me—
“If it isn’t Hanma The Reaper Shuji!” The artist with an
almost fully shaven head said, smirking at the man by my side
as he put his phone down and stood up. All of the skin I could
see was tattooed, from neck to arms and hands. His scalp had
some designs, but I couldn’t really observe long enough to see
what they were, in fear of being caught ogling. A huge grin
was on Hanma’s face as he shook hands with the man,
bringing him close as their shoulders bumped before pulling
away and laughing loudly, “Don’t act surprised, I booked that
damn appointment myself.” He chuckled this time, throwing
me a glance when the tattoo artist’s gaze settled on mine.
“Hi, I’m–” Reaching out for his hand, I was cut off by the man
himself as he laughed and shook my hand shortly before
letting go, “Oh I know exactly who you are, you’re the girl–”
Hanma corrected him with a deadpan expression, “My girl,
yeah.” but all the artist did was smile sweetly before slithering
between Hanma and me, and placing a hand on my lower back
as he told me to sit on the table. “I’m Takahiro, Bonten’s
designated artist.”
As I placed myself on the leather seat facing Takahiro, Hanma
stood right behind me and hummed. His hands found
themselves on my shoulders, massaging them—from an
external point of view—in a reassuring manner, which it was
anything but. I held back from wincing when it was starting to
be painful and whispered his name under my breath. Quickly,
he spoke up and looked at the two guys behind Takahiro, “Get
out.” He did not need to say it twice for the two men to leave,
albeit hesitantly. The artist himself blinked slowly as he turned
around on his stool to face us with a strained smile, “Right,
where do you want it?” He started explaining which spots
would be more painful, or less painful to reassure me a little
bit, and as he talked he kept glancing behind me with
calculating eyes.
Feeling the tension around, I hummed lightly giving him a
polite smile, “I’m not sure, does it have to be on display? Like,
do I really have a say in this or are there guidelines that I have
to respect?” Now, thinking back, I understood why they
reacted like that. It sounded pretty stuck-up, but I didn’t think
they would laugh this much the moment I was done speaking.
Hanma’s hands slide to my neck and tilted my head back
before kissing me shortly with a mocking laugh before
speaking against my lips, “Just pick a damn place for that
tattoo, once you’ve made a name for yourself you won’t need
to show off the damn shit to prove you’re part of this.” Slowly,
his hands moved to my waist before lifting my shirt and
moving his head away from me, “So where will it be?”
Takahiro asked, a bit embarrassed or perhaps annoyed by
Hanma’s actions.
With a swift movement, I moved Hanma’s hands from my
form and lifted my shirt slightly, “There? Is that doable?” I
wanted to pull down my shirt; even with Hanma by my side, I
did not feel that comfortable showing off my skin to the other
man, but it was his job. He would be professional, he had to—
but he was also working under The Reaper’s judgemental
gaze, something that many would find unsettling. “Right
here?” He pressed the tip of his pen right between my half-
covered breasts, not in a disrespectful manner at all but Hanma
had to get the wrong idea. After I whispered a short “Yeah.” to
tell Takahiro it was there I wanted it, the black and blond-
haired man could have kept silent and sat down, but he chose
to comment pettily when the artist started pressing the stencil
on my skin, “Watch your hands, being adventurous as a gang
offspring doesn’t mean they get to wander around, yeah?”
While Takahiro sighed in annoyance, a click of his tongue
echoing right after Hanma’s words, I looked over my shoulder
and hissed, “If you don’t like it, you should have chosen it
yourself! Now it’s settled, it’s going there so please stop acting
like a child.”
Hanma smiled lazily, if not proudly, at what I said. He had
gotten some attention, he was content, so he gently grabbed
my chin and pried my mouth open, “If it was up to me, I’d
have you tattooed on your tongue—but I’m not a big fan of the
taste of ink.” As he leaned in to kiss me, his tongue vulgarly
pressed against mine. I pushed his face away and looked back
at the man in front of me with flushed cheeks. If I thought he
had been acting possessively up until now, this was pure
childishness, pure jealousy and I had yet to decide if I liked it
or if it pissed me off. “Alright, is that good?” The tattoo artist
asked as he placed a mirror in front of me to show me the
pattern on my skin; it looked pretty good and there was a
weird feeling in my chest upon seeing it, not because it meant
I was officially part of Bonten but because now, I was
officially part of his world.
“Yes, perfect!” I said enthusiastically before laying down upon
Takahiro’s request. As I did so, Hanma pulled up a stool and
sat next to me before resting his elbow on the table as he took
his phone out in boredom. I tried to glance at his phone but
couldn’t see much from the angle, so I sighed at the thought of
how long I’d have to wait in silence until this was done.
“Right, lift your shirt fully. You can cover your breasts if you
want, but if you keep your shirt on, the skin will be pushed to
the center and the surface–” Before Hanma could talk, I
quickly nodded and sat up, “Of course, can you turn around?”
When he did, I quickly asked, “Can I still place my shirt on
myself? Not to wear it, just cover up.”
Hanma stayed silent as Takahiro chuckled, “Yeah, absolutely,
it’s not too high on your chest that I need to have full access.
Should be fine.” He explained. With a hum, I took off my top
and bra, fully aware of Hanma’s gaze on me as I laid back
down and placed my shirt on my chest, “I’m done.” I was
interrupted by Hanma who told the other man in the room to
not turn around yet, stopping him dead in his tracks as he
faced the opposite side of me.
Looking at my man, I was fearful of what he’d do, but that
fear quickly turned into embarrassment when he stood up in
silence and pried my shirt away to cup one of my breasts to
kiss it while looking at me. Before I could speak, I met his
eyes that told me to keep silent, which I did even when his
mouth moved slightly on the skin of my breasts instead of my
nipple. Seeing him careful, but still vulgar was a sight that
turned me on. It was unnecessary for him to act like this and
yet he started sucking on my skin with a huge grin on his lips,
making sure to leave a hickey.
It was purely an act of possessivity.
He was simply making sure that Takahiro, who didn’t care one
ounce about me, knew who I belonged to.
When Hanma was satisfied, he brushed his thumb over my
erected nipple and chuckled as he slowly took his phone and
pointed the phone at me, “Smile.” He mouthed. I grabbed my
shirt to cover my face but he snatched it and wagged his finger
mockingly, “Fucking smile.” He mouthed again.
Doing just that with a face full of shame, he took the picture
and covered me once again before sitting back down as if
nothing had happened, “Right, get on it, we don’t have all
day.” He said off-handedly, watching Takahiro turn around
with everything prepared on his lap as he put the small ink pot
on the table, “If it hurts, tell me.” He warned.
Hanma laughed at his words, never looking up from his phone
when I grabbed his sleeve slightly more in apprehension than
pain, “You’re making my night with that.” The criminal
commented, making the bald man confused as he pressed the
needle on my skin. I had tensed in dread, then suddenly
relaxed at the sensation. “It’s like a scratch, like constant
scratching–” I stopped when I heard Hanma laugh but didn’t
comment on it.
“Yeah? Wait until we get to the sternum, we’ll see if your pain
tolerance is that strong then.” Takahiro chuckled while
working on my skin. The rest of it was done in silence mostly,
Hanma rested his head on my thigh dramatically, making me
understand he was bored as he closed his eyes and made
himself comfortable. I knew he hadn’t fallen asleep, the tattoo
was done in under an hour, but he was petty like that—so
petty, he wouldn’t let me and Takahiro alone. I was convinced
he was aware the entire time he was ‘sleeping’ on my lap. But
to make it more fun for me, I thread my fingers through his
hair during the process; at least I justified it as entertainment,
but it was perhaps for reassurance on both parts, or because I
needed to touch him.
When it was done, I was so focused on the ceiling I didn’t
realize the constant poking on my skin had stopped. It was
only when the man responsible for said poking spoke that I
was startled, “All done, leave this on for a few days and it’ll be
all healed up. Keep it moisturized and if you think something’s
wrong, Hanma has my number. Ah yes—neutral soap only,
and, yeah, that’s about it? If you have questions, I’m sure he’ll
help.” Takahiro explained, nodding at Hanma who had stood
up at the beginning of the explanation, his face lacking any
sleepiness meaning I was right in thinking he had not been
sleeping at all. “Thank you!” Holding my shirt close to my
chest, I sat up and turned around so my back was facing the
tattoo artist, then I got dressed again.
“Good to see you.” Hanma nodded at Takahiro. They shook
hands firmly, even if it was with some bitterness in their gazes,
then they both smiled, “Always a pleasure to see you, Reaper.
Next time if you wanna fuck her on my table, just ask.” The
bald man’s smile was strained, and so was Hanma’s when he
replied, “Don’t wanna give you a show, just remember no one
lays a fucking hand on her. This was an exception.”
With a nervous chuckle, I hopped off the table and grabbed
Hanma’s hand to break the handshake, “Yeah, sure. Let’s go.”
I smiled at Takahiro and tried to force Hanma away, but he
stood his ground.
He took out a wad of cash and handed it to the man, “Get
yourself some ass, you look stuck up.” With that, he turned
around and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, “Let’s get
home, I have shit to do. Can’t stand his fake ass.” He
whispered to me with a dead serious look on his face.
“Will you always act like that with anyone we encounter?” I
asked, meaning his possessive display of affection and out of
line actions.
“If they look at you like you’re a piece of meat, yeah?”
“Which you’re allowed to do, but not them. Right.” I said
playfully. It felt odd to act like that, but it warmed my chest
when he laughed genuinely while opening the car, “Glad you
got it babe, maybe you deserve a reward for being so good out
there.”
“What did you expect me to do, fight him?” I asked, confused.
Smiling, he looked at me with a quirked eyebrow before
walking around and entering the car too, “Moan, babe. What
else? Tell me you weren’t turned on by my hands on your tits
right out there in the open—tell me you weren’t gripping my
sleeve for attention, tell me you weren’t pressing your thighs
together–” I interrupted Hanma’s speech by covering his
mouth, “It was nice, I wasn’t turned on.” A lie.
“Yeah? So if I slide my hand right now in your panties, it’s not
gonna be dripping wet?” He mocked as he started the car.
Struck by his words, I opened my mouth to speak, then shut it.
I took a moment to find the right words, “Tell me you aren’t
turned on that I’m branded, tell me you weren’t so fucking
turned on you wanted to fuck me on that chair.”
He was silent for a moment, but his smile spoke for itself. A
smile that traveled from ear to ear, adorning his face
beautifully and excitedly.
“You really want some dick, don’t you? You really are that
fucking desperate you think you’re turning the tables on me?
Babe, you look stupid. Stop it.” He patted my thigh and slid
his hand between my legs. I tried to close them to stop him but
he just laughed, “I was so fucking right, I’ll give you some fun
when we get home.”
“I’m… I don’t–” I pried his hand away, excited.
“Keep fighting me, you know it gets me going.” He laughed
maniacally as he brought his hand on the wheel and focused
on the road, “I love it so fucking much, shit I think my dick’s
hard already.”
All I did was glance at him, thrilled and suddenly energetic at
the sight of his pants slightly bulged. Looking back at the road,
I held back from smiling to keep the game up, but inside I was
hoping he’d fuck me when we got home.
After all, he was waiting for one specific thing to fuck me,
wasn’t he?
Could it be he wanted to make sure I was not leaving Bonten?
Could it be that he wanted me to get tattooed?
I covered my mouth as I rested my elbow on the side of the car
door and watched the landscape flash by fast.
Fuck, I am down bad. I didn’t even get dicked down yet, that
means it’s really not about that, right? I do love him, don’t I?
Glancing at him, I smiled seeing his beautiful face then looked
back at the road when I saw him turn around.
“Nothing’s stopping you from sucking my dick off when I’m
driving ya know.”
Or maybe it’s really just the sex.
Chapter End Notes

Been a while? I don’t know, two weeks is fair enough.

Been working hard recently for my internship so time is
tight my dearest lovelies. I do still thoroughly welcomes
thoughts, feedbacks, and if you’d like to send me funky
art on Twitter absolutely DO!! @PhysicalTurian
Thoughts on this chapter? I think it served tbh, we are
getting somewhere….oh we are indeed…:)))
Words : 10 552
Added on 5th April 2022
 Chapter 21
Chapter Notes

Warning : Graphic description of bodies - Gore -

Depiction of killing - Asphyxiation
Great thanks to my friend for proof reading this chapter
again
Inspired by :
https://twitter.com/satoutenpura5/status/15112642827760
64001?s=20&t=5khbfGUBI9Rg1bJNPYHvvw
See the end of the chapter for more notes

His comment was left without an answer and the rest of the
ride was spent in silence. It was just banter after all, the usual
one—that I realized rapidly. Maybe I was getting over my
head thinking he’d fuck me, he was a lot of talk for little
actions; I had planned on making a point of that very thought
when entered his apartment but the moment we did, he got a
call. One he picked up with his smirk falling from his face,
leaving nothing but boredom adorn it once more as he walked
to the couch and sat down with his legs crossed, his ankle over
his knee. I was aware of how “down bad”—as he’d call it—I
was when seeing him sitting like that was more than attractive.
It gave off power, confidence and I couldn’t help but be drawn
to it. With a rough turn of my head, I tore my gaze from him
and walked to the kitchen. All the stress that had gathered
inside me in apprehension of this tattoo had kept me on my
toes, awake. Now that it was gone, it left me completely
drained. I needed a pick-me-up.
Rummaging through Hanma’s cupboards for something to
snack on or drink, I felt something hit the back of my head,
almost making me hit the cupboard’s door from the impact.
Turning around rapidly, I looked at the ground where a pillow
lay, then at Hanma with furrowed brows. He was still on the
phone but this time he was standing behind the couch, only
leaning on it as he gestured something. Raising a brow, I
mouthed, “No drink?”
A smile drew itself on his lips, he shook his head and pointed
to his left at the shelves on which rested many bottles. With a
few seconds of thinking, I pointed at him then mimicked the
action of drinking. I never imagined doing charades with him
but it worked as he nodded and I walked to the shelf, taking a
glass from the display in front of it. Once I saw most bottles
were the same, if not for their dates, I grabbed a random one
and poured him a glass. Staring at it a moment, I poured
myself one too and brought it to my lips as I handed Hanma
his drink.
Before I could even take a sip, he grabbed the glass from my
hand and emptied it in his—a small droplet of whiskey
dripped down my chin as I mouthed “Why did you do that?”
Hanma placed my empty glass on the table and sat back on the
couch. Covering the microphone, he smirked, “If you used
your brain for more than half a second you’d know alcohol
ain’t helping much with scarring your tattoo. ‘Gets the blood
going and stuff.” He then took a sip and raised his glass
towards me, “It’s great to relax though! You should do the
same, you look tense.” And just like that, he returned to his
call, his head resting on the back of the couch as he drank
more. I took one last look at his form, my eyes settling on his
throat as I watched him gulp down the drink before tearing my
gaze from him and ushering to the bedroom. It felt strange
how open his bedroom was, so I moved to the corner of it once
I made sure to close the blinds—when I took off my shirt, I
looked down at the air-tight, pocket-like plastic that covered
the tattoo on my skin. Ink had filled it since we had left and I
couldn’t help but poke it a few times. I had this urge to rip it
off to see the ink flow out of it and when I pinched it to do so,
I quickly stopped and put on a shirt. “No, not a good idea.” I
mumbled to myself as I put on some pants.
Getting this tattoo after last night felt like there was something
more behind it. Like Hanma had put it, I had been branded and
I suppose it had been to officially make me part of Bonten…
But it also made sure I did not forget last night—not only the
night Mikey accepted me as one of them, but also the night
when I killed someone and got rid of bodies, all in the name of
Bonten. I hardly believed it would be forgettable in the first
place, but now I couldn’t help but tie this tattoo to that very
night.
The night my morals took even more damage, the night I
considered letting all go but found a way to hang on a little
longer by clinging onto Hanma like he was all that was
standing between me and that never-ending spiral of guilt.
Making him my anchor had been anything but a wise decision,
and even knowing this, I found comfort in it. That was all I
wanted, all I needed to survive Bonten: comfort—him. To hell
with everyone else, right? No one had ever been there for me;
in the end, promises did not matter because as he had said so
many times, anyone could be bought.
But not him…
His price was entertainment and I could give him that. I’d
bring him that at any cost—even if it meant becoming like
him. Because I needed him; if he left because I was boring I
would be the one to blame, right?
Lost in thoughts, I caressed the tattoo through my shirt before
taking a deep breath and leaving the bedroom to join him
again. His call had yet to end, so I sat on the far end of the
couch and grabbed my phone, busying myself on it. I felt his
gaze on me a few times but only rose my head when I was
sure he was looking away. Doing so, I saw he had undone his
tie and unbuttoned the first two buttons of his shirt. It was so
simple and yet so efficient.
Even more so when he smirked while throwing me a side
glance. I was quick to look back at my phone as if nothing had
happened but could still see one of his hands moving to his
vest and undoing it too. My eyes kept flickering between him
and my phone but could hardly focus on the latter—how could
I, when he was teasing like that? The way his slender fingers
hooked onto the buttons as he undid them, slowly, making sure
I was watching the most ridiculous display that should not
have gotten me going like that. When he was done, he
beckoned my attention by curling his index finger then
pointing up at his face. I looked up and met his playful,
prideful, face that tilted to the side with a knowing smile. My
face heated up in seconds, I looked to the side to fake not
understanding what he meant which made him click his
tongue.
My attention returned to him at that, he muted the phone and
said, “Giving me dick-hungry eyes ain’t gonna give you shit
unless you come closer, doll. Either you do something or you
get out of here cause you’re distracting me.” His way with
words would sometimes be so awe-bringing that I’d be at a
loss for words when hearing him, but this was not one of those
moments. With a smile that showed I could not believe his
crudeness, I stood up and huffed, “Quite easy to distract you it
seems, let me make it easier for you, yeah?” And as I made
him understand I would leave, he snatched my arm and pulled
me onto him, one leg between mine, forcing me to straddle
one of his thighs. Before he could speak, I let my confidence
take control and held his jaw tight, “Aren’t we needy?” Words
that I regretted almost instantly when Hanma pressed me
closer to him, one of his hands grabbing my ass under my
clothes while he kept the phone close to his ear to listen.
Why was he like that? Why couldn’t I keep my hands off of
him, nor move from him? Why did I roll my hips against him?
Perhaps the latter was the worst, since it made him grin
knowingly. “Me? Needy? Babe, I’m only giving you the
incentive, you’re the one whoring out the second I’m not
giving you attention.” With that, he placed his index against
his lips to shush me before unmuting himself and answering to
the person on the phone. Taking it as my cue to go, I was
going to move off him when his grip on my ass tightened—
with that same hand, he tapped my skin with his index finger
and looked down at his lap, making me understand he wanted
me to keep going.
“Distraction.” I mouthed with an all too proud smile.
I felt his hand move behind my thigh, then between my legs—
I quickly moved it away and started rubbing myself on his
thigh. It was as humiliating as it was hot. Both of us were still
clothed, and this very morning he had… taken care of me, so
why was I this aroused again? Why did I throw my pride aside
to see him smile at me oh-so-beautifully? Those were pointless
questions, because no matter how many of them I had, I would
still act before thinking. That’s what would happen with him.
So I acted. I held onto his shoulders tight and kept rolling my
hips against his thigh, putting more pressure into the action to
try to feel something, anything. The layers between us weren’t
helping one bit, but now that I had started this shameful
display, I might as well try to enjoy it the best I can. So I was
now thoroughly focused, trying to enjoy any bit of friction
from just a second of good pressure, any ounce of pleasure
that’d come from it. It was pitiful to see, I knew it, but that’s
not what hid in Hanma’s eyes. No, he was looking at me with
pure satisfaction, absolutely enthralled in what I was doing—I
wasn’t even sure he was listening to the person on the phone
anymore but it was not my problem. My problem was to get
off in the more sexual sense of the term, because as much as
he was turning me on with that air of arrogance plastered on
his face, the fabric between us was stopping me from having
any fun.
When I tried to stand up and remove my clothes, Hanma
shook his head and dug his nails in my hip, saying, barely
above a whisper, “Now, now, don’t go. Try harder, I prefer it
when you struggle.” He looked down between us and smirked,
making me look too—I saw how hard he was under his pants
all from my desperate grinding. Feeling somewhat pleased by
the sight, I let one of my hands travel to his clothed erection
and pressed it while rutting against him; that was all I could
call it from how determined my action was.
“Hang up then, make it fun for both of us.” Was I pouting? It
did not matter. Instead of focusing on that, I leaned over and
pressed my lips against his slowly as I grabbed his phone and
pressed the red button, finally ending the call. “Who even calls
at this hour…” I muttered against his lips, feeling his smile
grow instantly as he kissed me back while talking, “Some
random IT nerd… they never sleep, no wonder they look like
that, huh?”
Curious, I paused what I was doing and looked him dead in the
eyes, “Why? Why would you need their help?” “To make sure
I didn’t get caught, remember we have eyes everywhere and
we do shit in the open, babe. To hide all that, we gotta erase
our traces, yeah?” He asked with a laugh.
Raising a brow, I asked, “And… what did you need to hide?
What did you do all day? Who did you visit?” Another laugh
escaped his lips as his toothy grin was pressed against my
perplexed expression. His smile fell the second I did not return
his mood, then his eyes met mine in an intimidating manner,
“Would telling you I killed someone make you more horny
than you already are? Look at you riding my fucking clothes,
it’s not even my dick and I can feel the heat coming from—”
While some part of me felt something at the mention of him
killing someone, I cut him off and made him bark a laugh
when I spoke, “I’m trying to care here, just answer the
question.” His lips soon curled into a mocking smile, but it
was not at me that he was smiling, there was a certain distance
in his eyes that made me understand it clearly as he said, “Did
you really think I’d let him live?” He breathed, cradling my
face in his large hands and pressing hard against my jaw as he
brought me close to his face, “I got rid of the weasel’s
boyfriend, that oughta make her feel like shit, right? She’ll
stop snooping around soon enough.”
“Shuji, they haven’t done anything yet!” I said while trying to
get away from him in annoyance. Rai was close to me, if not
by having worked so closely with her, then simply for the fact
that she worked at the firm I was at. Killing her boyfriend was
a stupid move, it would only bring more attention to her, to me
and ultimately: to him. Hanma forced me to roll my hips
against him and faked a grunt of pleasure before humming
playfully, “Did you really think I’d let that pig live? When he
knew so much?”
When he said that, my curiosity got the best of me and before
thinking it through, I whispered under my breath, “What did
you do to him… how did you do it.” The usual Bonten method
seemed to be a bullet in the head, but something told me there
was more to it. He had taken some time, he could have
brought him to a dark alley without anyone around, but if he
needed traces erased then he must have been less discreet this
time and—“Dismembered him. What did you think my speech
was about out there?”
Caught off guard, I leaned back and stared at him in awe. That
was his cue to continue, “712, right? His apartment. Bits and
pieces, you know? Went to the bastard’s place and–” he
whistled while swinging his arms, mimicking a hit at the back
of my head, “Knocked him out—now they train those assholes
good, took him another fucking hit to completely pass out.”
He chuckled charmingly, a chuckle unsuitable to the situation,
then pressed his lips softly on mine. Hesitantly I pecked his
lips, but I was too stunned to utter a word. He, however, was
not, “Kinda wish he had been awake when we pulled out the
machete—but hey, he did entertain when he woke up
screaming after I chopped off his right arm!” It felt like a
bucket of iced water had been poured all over me.
I had had enough. With a sudden push on his shoulders, I got
off of him and stumbled to the ground before covering my
mouth and turning my face to the ceiling to hold back from
throwing up. I felt Hanma’s chest behind me as he tilted my
head even more backwards while he looked down at me,
“What? That turned you off?” He then forcefully turned me
around and made me look at him, “Thought blood turned you
on, doll. Do you need to see it to get going?” Before I could
say no, he pointed at his phone and on the screen was a picture
of Kei, Rai’s boyfriend, lying on the ground. Blood was
splattered all over on the white tarp that covered the ground. I
could see a glimpse of the bloody, metallic end of a machete.
My face lost all color. “I don’t—I didn’t need that.”
Grabbing his phone, I locked it and threw it on the couch
before dashing to the bathroom with Hanma’s laugh echoing
behind me along with his muffled footsteps, “Oh no, did I step
over your boundaries again? That means it can’t get any
worse, right? So glad we got through this together!” There
wasn’t an ounce of empathy in his words, he really didn’t care
at all—he didn’t care that I had to see what he had seen, that
the picture of that man cut up in pieces was now carved in my
mind so that I could never ever erase it from my memory.
It had been traumatizing to see.
So why did I laugh at the dramatically boring delivery of his
words?
Looking up from the toilet, I saw him handing me a wet towel
and took it, wiping my mouth, “What am I supposed to do
when I see her on Monday at work?” I asked in a weak tone as
I stood up to quickly wash my mouth. I felt him grab my hand
before placing a kiss on the back of it, then making a face that
would usually accompany a shrug, “You lie. That’s your shizz,
your trademark, isn’t it?” He slid a cold hand under my shirt,
making me gasp silently at that, then brushed his thumb over
the tattoo. With another chuckle, he continued, “For someone
who’s supposed to be with the good guys, you warmed up fast
to the idea of being owned by a gang. I’m sure you’ll manage
faking not knowing a bitch’s boyfriend ended up as ground
meat.”
I ignored that piece of information. I did not know what to do
with it, so instead of mentioning it, I acted unbothered.
Although I did wonder how he had done it, I was better off not
knowing—I knew that. Hanma, however, felt entitled in
forcing that knowledge upon me, “Cause we own a lot of shit,
you know? Had to make a little detour by the butcher and
voilà.” He let go of me and gestured for me to follow, which I
did but not without ogling him on the way out, “When you pay
them the right amount they don’t care much about what you do
behind the scenes.”
“You didn’t really…do that, did you?” It felt too much for
such a little thing, for a man that only had some information
that didn’t seem to get them far anyway.
“Why? Dead in pieces or dead ground-up is the same, one’s a
lot easier to get rid of, though.” He shrugged and poured
himself another drink, throwing me a side glance as he did so.
Hanma was insane, but butchering someone like this? That
was overkill, it felt personal. I watched him bring the glass to
his lips and rest his hand on the small table by the bottles, “But
don’t worry, I kept some of him for fun. Maybe don’t check
the fridge if you’re this sensitive.” He added in a humorous yet
serious tone.
Words escaped my lips before I even had time to close my
mouth, but I knew it was stupid, “You’re not going to eat him,
right?” But Hanma was Hanma, he had to toy with me even
for just a few seconds. I was ninety-nine percent sure he
wasn’t a cannibal, but he managed to play with that one
percent when he lifted my chin and bit my jaw softly, “I mean,
I carved the best part so nicely, it’d be a shame to let it go to
waste, right?” Placing the glass on the table again, he crouched
in front of me and forced my knees to rest against his
shoulders, balancing both of us on the floor as he grazed his
teeth against my pants. “It’s a lot more tender once you’ve
pounded it for enough time, you know?” When I noticed the
smirk on his lips along with the playful glim in his eyes, I
pushed him away and rolled my eyes.
“For a second there, for a fucking second you had me. I
suppose there is nothing in the fridge either–” And as I opened
the fridge, I slammed it shut right away, closing my eyes
instantly. The image was burned in my mind, I could not get
rid of it, just like the one he had on his phone, except this
was… bluer than the one he had shown me. “Nah, that was the
truth. See, I have a plan and I need that leg for theatrical effect
once I put it in place.” He explained, peeking inside the fridge
without fully opening it. He closed it only after a few seconds
and looked at me, content.
I was too tired to answer anything that would keep him
entertained, I needed some genuine rest and perhaps some
food before doing so. “As long as I don’t have to see it again,
do as you please, Shuji. Far from me the idea of stopping you
from giving them a show, I simply don’t want to be a part of
the public.” With that, I walked past him and felt his hand grip
mine tight—I did not stop and forced him to follow me to the
bedroom before hearing him speak cockily, “You saying you
don’t wanna watch? But I’m doing this for you, babe.” He
lifted my chin with one finger and held my head like that,
“They disrespected us by sending the most amateur bitch to
get some info. They thought you were dumb enough to give
her anything, you should wanna fuck ‘em up because of that.”
He was trying to rile me up, but I didn’t care. The only thing
that annoyed me was that Rai thought I would tell her anything
after I had tried so hard to keep her out of this, but in the end
she dug her own grave by finding crumbs of information that
were enough to have her considered as a threat. Or at least, her
bringing those crumbs to the cops had made her a threat.
“Cause we know you’re not stupid—only when you want my
dick, but they don’t know that.” Hanma laughed lightly, before
suddenly pushing me to the bed and letting himself fall next to
me, one arm behind his head as he looked at the ceiling.
I did not know what he was doing, so I stayed silent.
He then dug inside his back pocket, elbowing me as he did so,
and pulled out his cigarettes. After lighting one between his
lips, he puffed out some smoke and casually said, “Tomorrow,
you’re visiting the cop at the hospital.”
I had no strength to fight it, nor to vocally complain about it as
much as I wanted to. Instead, I sighed, “Do I have a say in
this? Is it an errand?” I then turned to the side and looked at
him with the little bit of energy I had left, taking in fully the
sight of him taking drags on his cigarette and uncaring of the
cinders falling on his shirt, “You are coming with me, right?”
Smiling handsomely, the man by my side turned his head
towards me and stretched above my head to crush the butt of
the cigarette in the ashtray—I caught a whiff of copper and
tobacco, a familiar but dreadful smell, that somehow reassured
me. “Of course, doll. You’ve come a long way but I still think
you’ll need a bit of incentive tomorrow. Plus, I wanna see that
bastard’s face when he realises he fucked up.” His signature
laugh escaped his lips as I sat up and rested my elbows on my
knees, holding my face in my hands.
I took a moment to make sure I wasn’t thinking about
anything, but after all that had happened in the past half hour,
a shiver ran through my body at the memory of the body parts,
the leg in the fridge. No matter how much Hanma talked and
how much I enjoyed hearing him, if the topic did not change, I
could not get rid of those horrible images in my head. “I feel
sick, Shuji. I don’t know how you do it, and I will get used to
it, I promise… But right now, I can’t get it out of my head. I
want to be as casual about this as you are, but fuck–” I slapped
both my hands on my cheeks then looked at him over my
shoulder, pleading, needing help to get over it, “Tell me how
you felt about it. I think if you describe it more, I could
understand it more. I want to get to where you are, if you make
it worse right now then–” I let out a breathy laugh, “If I reach
my worst now, I’m not going to get sick later, right?”
I knew what I had said was stupid or too insane when Hanma
sat up and stared at me, mouth half-open for a few seconds
before turning it into a wide smirk. “You’re asking me for
details on how I butchered a guy because you wanna feel bad
right now and not later?” He made sure he understood right, I
was glad he understood exactly what I meant but there was
still some part of him that did not seem to believe what I was
saying. Yet, I nodded.
A short chuckle escaped his lips as he held back his smile. He
looked cute, but I felt stupid now that he looked at me in pure
awe and excitement, “You’re crazy.” He scoffed, wrapping his
hand on the back of my neck and tilting it back with his thumb
under my chin. He forced me to look at him as he stood up and
hovered over me, intimidatingly so. “Pleading for gory details
when minutes ago I was watching you retch your fucking guts
in the toilets—you’re not right in the head, you’re a bit
confused aren’t ya?” He hummed and this time the shiver that
ran down my spine was not one of disgust at the thought of
what happened, but one of excitement. Hanma brushed my
hair back and looked at me like I was the most captivating
thing he had ever seen.
His hands went over my hair gently then trailed down to my
arms and lifted them to take off my shirt, “Do you really
wanna know?” He was going to tell me anyway; I knew it as
he placed my hands on his waist and gripped my right bicep,
he did not wait for my answer, “Cut off this one first, he’s
right-handed so I didn’t want him to grab his gun and try to
fight me off.”
Suddenly, he was crouching between my legs but not without
quickly whispering to my ear on his way down, “That woke
him up, he was shrieking like the pig he was—a full on
slaughter house scream.” He then grabbed my ankles and
pressed my feet to his chest to bend my knees as he pressed
them towards me, “Then his feet, cause I didn’t want him to
run away—but,” he spread my legs and wrapped them around
his neck, looking up at me with a proud expression on his face,
“At this point he was screaming so much I had to tape his
mouth and cut off his other arm, he could have tried to remove
the tape.” He pouted the last part of his little speech, mocking,
uncaring of what he had done.
My stomach wasn’t feeling so great; I focused on Hanma’s
face and tried to sense each of his touches more by pressing
his hand further up my waist, onto my exposed skin. He
smiled at that and pressed his face to my stomach. “From there
on, it was an easy game, you know?” He squeezed my knees,
“Knee…” then the highest part of my thighs, “Thighs, then,”
He brought my arm to his lips and pressed the inside of it,
“The arms again, in more pieces to make the transport easier,
you know?”
I nodded. I even attempted to speak, “More practical.”
Hanma snorted a laugh, suddenly wrapping his arms around
my waist as he kept his gaze on me, “You get it! The amount
of bags this man needed, a god damn unit. But in the end he
wasn’t much of a fight.”
“Was it because you caught him off guard?” My voice was
still weaker than I intended it to be, but he heard it and helped
me further onto the bed as he joined me, resting his chin
between my legs and using me as a pillow. “Wouldn’t have
been sent to get him if I wasn’t discreet, doll. Of course I
scared the bastard shitless.”
He paused and looked for something in my eyes, I simply
looked at him to avoid puking from the all too detailed
description I had heard. If I spoke now, I’d probably be sick so
I just stared. Hanma then sighed contently, “Just like I
surprised you on the first night, that was so fun.” He hummed,
now nostalgic of that first time he broke inside my house.
It was a throwback, I had to search in the depths of my
memory to remember that very first night and the fear I had
felt that same night came back with it—I held Hanma’s
shoulder tight and let out a nervous chuckle, then grabbed a
pillow to cover myself. That fear made my entire body run
cold. I did not want it to be present, but I knew it was
intrinsically tied to that memory so I ignored it. “Fun… is a
stretch.” I uttered, earning myself a laugh from Hanma. He sat
up and looked me up and down, “From the very first night, I
knew you’d be malleable. Now look at you.”
His hand reached for the pillow so I moved my arms out of the
way. I watched him throw the pillow to the side then lean over
and out of nowhere I felt something cold and metallic on my
skin—looking down, I saw Hanma had a gun pressed to my
stomach.
I should feel fear, I should want to run, I should reach for his
hand and move the barrel of the gun.
But that action of his had never ended up in a gunshot, not
with me.
If anything, it had been a game between us. He had never shot
me—he would never shoot me. I trusted him, so maybe that’s
why I found comfort in him acting like this again. It took my
mind off things, this thrill, this electricity-like feeling in my
body when he went over the edge like this.
“You’re not even flinching.” He cooed, leaning in to kiss me.
A smile drew itself on my lips as I kissed back, my hand now
wrapped around his that held the gun as I lowered it between
my legs. The moment I did so, the gun was gone and Hanma
stood up, leaving me cold and craving for him, “Fucking my
gun now?” He asked with a smile lifting the corner of his lips.
He looked at the weapon and pointed it at me for a moment,
one eye closed to aim, the click of the safety being off sending
my heart racing, “Russian roulette, except you don’t know if
the gun’s empty or loaded in the end. Wanna try?” He asked
with a manic laugh.
“It’s empty—it’s empty because you only use it to scare
people. You kill with your own hands, or people’s hands, but a
gun is not,” I stood up, a bit too confident as I swallowed and
got myself together, “A gun is not fun, it’s not a show of
power. Anyone can shoot a gun—I can shoot a gun. You, you
want a fight, almost as if you’re giving them a chance, as if
their weakness is their downfall.” I stood up and grabbed my
shirt from the ground, the gun now locked again as Hanma put
it on the nightstand.
“If they die because they’re weak, you’re not to blame.”
Saying those words struck me. Sure, it was Hanma’s way of
doing things, but it was also interesting. If they weren’t strong
enough to stay alive, to fight, it’s their fault, right?
Hanma laughed.
His large hand found itself on my head, “Whatever Aristotle,
you ruined my fun.” With that he pushed me back and left the
room, one hand in his pocket with the other raised to call me
over. He added that we were going to order in tonight and if
my stomach had gone through a lot today, it was also feeling
empty after all this… adventure. My steps were fast to join his
as we went to the living room, from there the rest of the
evening was spent casually.
I couldn’t thank him enough for not bringing back the topic of
dismemberment, it made eating easier once the food arrived. It
was almost domestic, the way we sat at the table in silence for
most of the time—and as much as I was not a fan of his
manners, I let him steal some stuff from my plate. “That’s
mine, could you not steal my food?” I said with a chuckle,
pushing his hand away from my plate but letting him keep
what he had between his fingers. Hanma brought it to his
mouth and smiled cutely, something I never thought I’d think
about the man, “What’s yours is mine, what’s mine’s yours,
yeah?” He pushed his empty plate towards me and I looked up
at him with a deadpan expression, “You’re too kind.” I told
him sarcastically as I placed some of my food on his plate.
A short-lived shocked expression was plastered on his face
when he watched my action, but it disappeared when he
looked out the window and sighed melodiously, “We should
call it an early night, I could barely sleep last night with all
your crying.” He stretched with a groan.
I threw him a glare and scoffed, “You’re right, I’m also
exhausted. It does that to a woman when managing a child’s
jealousy for an entire day.” When Hanma turned to look at me
in surprise, I smirked and finished my food without meeting
his gaze while he did the same. There was this tension
between us but not one that made things awkward, it was a
new type of spark. Something warm, playful, I was enjoying
it. Even more so when he stood up with his empty plate and
trailed his hand from my shoulder to the back of my neck, “I’ll
stop being jealous once they all know who you belong to,
doll.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and leaned in,
his mouth next to my ear, “I don’t mind being a guard dog in
the meantime, I can see how turned on it gets you to be shown
off like that. “
A shiver ran down my spine. I grabbed my own plate and
quickly stood up, ending up chest to chest with Hanma who
had only moved back so the chair didn’t bump into him,
“That’d make you happy, wouldn’t it?” Just as I uttered those
words, Hanma slammed his plate on the table and grabbed me
by the throat, a condescending laugh escaping his lips, “It
does. It makes me happy, ‘cause it’s the truth. Molly’s a trophy
wife for that pink bastard, but you…” He ran his tongue down
my jaw, “That fighting spirit, that sharp tongue, that
desperation to please me—and fuck, that need for my dick.”
He breathed down my neck, his teeth now grazing my skin
while I struggled to keep a hold on my plate. Hanma’s hand
moved to my arm and trailed to my hand, prying the plate
from it as he placed it on the table, “I wanna make them envy
me, to show them how fucking crazy you get for me.” He
punctuated his words by biting hard at the juncture of my
shoulder and my neck.
My first reaction was to grip his hair tight as I hissed in pain,
quickly turning those hisses in a heartfelt moan when he ran
his tongue over the bite and bit again. I heard his manic laugh
again as he pressed me against him, “Shit, I’m hard again just
thinking about that call you made with the rat. Fuck, I can’t
wait to see you do it again.” His lips traveled to mine and
pressed against them with force, it was as short as it was
rough. Our teeth clashed a few times but the passion was there.
It was enough to make me want to take him right then and
there which he must have felt as he stepped away with both
plates in hand, a wide smile on his face. “Time to sleep, babe.
Come on, get yourself together, if you had a dick it’d be
pointing right at me right now.” He mocked, his eyes glancing
between my legs for effect.
I took some time to catch my breath before following him and
commenting, “Like yours is right now? Your waistband isn’t
gonna do much to help–” “Am I hearing you suggesting to jerk
me off right now? You can barely hold a gun without
trembling, babe. As much as it’d add to the sensation, I think
I’m better off jerking off in the bathroom.” I took it personally,
of course. But I didn’t say anything. Instead, I let him go to the
bathroom, my own arousal completely ignored while he took
care of himself in another room. To say I was annoyed was not
enough, and yet I did as he told me and got to bed. Whatever
was going to happen tomorrow, I would have to get through it
better than I had the night prior. There wasn’t much he could
do that would make it worse than shooting someone in the
head, so I found comfort in that.
Perhaps I also found comfort in his arms when he joined me in
bed. I thought saying anything about his gesture would make
him move away, so I stayed silent and simply held his hand
while scooting closer to him. My exhaustion made me believe
he had chuckled at the action, but I must have dreamt it.
It felt nice, warm and normal, to be in bed with him.
As if I hadn’t killed someone the night before.
As if I hadn’t threatened an innocent woman today.
As if he hadn’t killed an innocent man hours before joining me
in bed.
But I had to redefine my normal. This was normal, for the
situation I was in.
Everything was fine. I had had the worst I could ever have. I
was going to get better, I was not going to cry over trivial
things anymore.
I’ll make him proud.
That was my last determined thought before falling into a
restless sleep that had me sweating and wrenching around, or
so Hanma told me when he woke me up. All I remembered
from that dream was how heavy my chest had been, this
feeling of utter helplessness I felt—I wasn’t alone in there,
either, but I had no visual memory of what happened. It was
terrifying, draining and had me breathless as I woke up startled
from Hanma calling my name. What I saw upon opening my
eyes was his tired and disheveled face looking at me before
glancing at his arm, “You can let go now.” He muttered.
I quickly did so, apologizing with a nervous chuckle, “Didn’t
mean to hurt you, it never happened before. Or if it did, I don’t
remember…” I mumbled the last part. The silence between us
wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it’d be. I preferred my
vulnerable time asshole-free, which Hanma provided by not
mocking me. Instead, he just placed his hand behind my head
and forced it to his chest as we laid back in bed, “First time for
everything, go back to sleep now. I’m not in the mood for an
early morning.” He then uttered it was six in the morning and
next time I woke him up like that he’d make sure I’d go back
to sleep just as fast. I couldn’t hold back a lazy chuckle at his
words while bringing the blanket to my chin, “Imagine how I
felt when you sent me on that errand then, that was way too
early.” I whispered against his chest, barely hearing it myself
but suddenly tremendously aware of how intimate it felt to be
laying by his side like this, joking sleepily, holding him.
All he did was hum as he got comfortable in the tons of
pillows supporting his head, not giving me a proper answer. I
followed his silence and held onto the blanket before turning
around and resting my head on the pillows instead of him. Was
I getting too attached too fast? Did he feel like this too? He
was lonely, I knew that, but—his arm draped itself around my
waist and I felt his head press against my back while he held
me like this. “Stop fucking moving, sleep.” His grip was
strong and if he could make it painful, he didn’t. It was just…
comforting.
I fell back to sleep serene soon after, maybe too serene
compared to how the next day proved itself to be. While very
little had been done when the sun was out, the moment it set,
Hanma was at the ready for his little plan regarding Shuusuke.
I knew it would be a challenge if one could call it such, but not
as much as it turned out to be.
There was no more sunlight outside and all that showed any
proof of the city being alive was the street lights shining so
bright that, if not for the dark, clouded sky above our heads,
we’d believe it was still day. Along those were the even
brighter lights in the center of town where bars, restaurants
and shady shops were open. The fact that the hospital was only
a few blocks from such an active area and that once we
reached it, everything was silent and fully dark, made the
whole experience even more eerie.
“Are you done looking out the window like I’m bringing my
fucking dog to get put down?” Hanma grabbed my shoulder
to force me to look at him with a scoff. I found it amusing how
his attire would not change on many occasions. The moment
he’d step outside his house, he would wear a three piece suit
like it was his armor, but tonight was one of those rare
occasions he could not bring attention to himself much, or so
he argued. But I wasn’t convinced he’d hold onto that long
enough; after all, we were going to the hospital to kill a man.
Yet, he dressed in loose-fitting black pants and sweater, the
highlight was perhaps the sandals he wore with that. He was
definitely not dressed to impress.
He had told me to dress in something comfortable too,
something inconspicuous—which wasn’t hard when one
usually dressed normally, something I did. “I’m just looking at
the lights, you’re not talkative enough to drown my thoughts
and your music isn’t… it.” I told him with a tight smile. He
returned it with the same emotion before parking somewhere
that said you couldn’t park, but it was in the far end of the
parking lot, far from people, far from the cameras. “You’ve
been tense the whole day, I have the perfect way to help ya
release that tension.” He mocked, knowing full well I did not
find shooting people dead one bit relaxing, “Hey, like you
said! Right? It’s reckoning!”
As he said so, I was hit by the memory of when he had taken
his suitcase back then forced me to shoot a man, using those
very words I had spoken to him against Eisuke.
“He killed someone, call it reckoning, karma or—or
consequences, I don’t care. Don’t involve me in this, that’s all
I’m asking.” I had told him when he asked me to kill for the
first time.
“She’s your–“ Hanma paused, placing the heel of his hand
that was holding the cigarette against his forehead as he
chuckled. “Your—shit, fuck, I forgot.” After a few moments, he
snapped his fingers from his free hand then looked up,
grinning, “Your reckoning, that’s it!” Was how he had used it
against me.
His memory sometimes frightened me. How one managed to
remember so much and yet only use it for the shittiest things
was beyond me. Instead of saying anything, I sighed with a
small smile and opened the car door; when doing so I saw how
my hands were shaking and held tight on the door while
getting out. I then shoved my hands in the pockets of my coat
and let out a shiver, “Visiting hours are over at this time, is this
part of your plan?” I asked as I threw him a mocking side
glance—it made it easier to fake being comfortable in this
situation, by talking to him and trying to banter. “You think
you’re funny, so I’ll let your dumb taunt slide.” He stopped us
and leaned over to give me a condescending smile, “But let’s
see how long that smile lasts, yeah?” He then patted my head
and forced me to walk at his rapid pace.
He guided us alongside the building, pushing me closer to the
wall while shushing me—we waited a moment, then he pulled
the front of my sweater to have me walk with him. I did not
dare complain because I knew the time window was limited so
I followed him the best I could and managed to sneak inside
the building through a staff entrance. Once we were inside, he
shut the door—I heard people outside complain, accusing one
another of not blocking the door open, then once they had
settled, one asked if anyone had their badge. Hanma paid close
attention and once we were sure none of them had anything to
get back in, meaning they’d have to walk around to get back
inside, he laughed.
A breathless, stunning laugh as he brought my face close to
his, “Now we find the fucker’s room and put him to sleep.” He
looked so excited I smiled back, but my heart was already
beating fast from that small rush we had to get inside the
building. I didn’t know if I’d be able to do what he’d ask me
once we reached the room but I nodded. Instantly, Hanma
gestured for me to follow and through small steps, discrete
ones too, we managed to reach Shuusuke’s floor without a
hitch.
It was only then that we heard some people talking nearby
when we hid in a dark corner of the corridor, “Two people, yes
—both dressed in black, I think? I’m not sure, but I swear I
saw people walk by!” One person said, the other did not seem
to believe them at all and asked, “I think security would have
caught them by now, isn’t it your second shift? What’s it, 34
hours now? Maybe you should get some sleep–”
“For fuck’s sake, I’m not tired! I know what I saw.” Then they
split up, I knew it from the steps that seemed to be coming
towards us. Pure panic filled my body as I looked at Hanma
with wide eyes; getting caught right now would be the worst,
but I think I feared him killing them the most. He then reached
inside the bin of clean clothes next to us and grabbed a white
coat that he threw on before putting his hoodie down. “Take
off your coat and your shoes.” I did so without missing a
heartbeat and let him help me put on the gown he was handing
me. “That’s your plan?” I asked incredulously while patting
down the creases in the robe.
“Lucky the man didn’t go insane, I would have put you in a
straitjacket if I wanted to sneak around—there you’d be in the
right to complain, but this is fine, so shut your mouth and play
along.” With one quick tug, he grabbed me by the arm and
made me walk by his side as he straightened his back and
smiled as he handed me my clothes balled up.. I tried to look
at the ground most of the time, not trusting my acting skills
and fearing they’d know who we were by seeing us. A pair of
shoes entered my field of vision and for a second, I feared
they’d stop and talk to us, but all I heard was Hanma’s voice
say hi, and the other person returning his greeting with
sweetness. “With your tail between your legs like that all you
gotta do is whimper and I’ll put you down, doll.”
One rapid turn of my head and I was glaring daggers at the
man, now gripping the front of his coat, “You’re too confident
in the wolves’ den, why did you even talk to anyone?” “Cause
staying silent is even more suspicious, the more obvious you
act, the less they’re suspecting shit. They don’t think anyone
would fake being a doctor, that’s too risky.” He winked and let
go of me, one nod of his head was enough to have me
scurrying behind him. This confidence of his was as attractive
as it was scary, not for me but for himself—deep inside, I felt
like it’d be his downfall. Was he allowed to be this confident
or was it cockiness?
I leaned towards the former when he found Shuusuke’s room
and tugged me inside, shutting the door behind us. Now alone
together, the lack of steps and movement around us felt wrong,
even more so when all we could hear was the constant beeping
of the machine by his bed, the one that showed his pulse
steady… calm…
“Just do it, just shoot him. He’s sleeping–” I was interrupted
by Hanma who stepped further inside the room and crouched
by the machine, in one move he had unplugged it. “Exactly, so
wake him up? Oh, and use that!” He threw me a small white
board that had a marker hooked on it. I barely had time to
catch it and ask him, “What am I supposed to do with that?”
before Hanma was shaking the man awake while looking at
me, a toothy grin on his face. “To help him communicate!
Man’s got his windpipe crushed.” Just as he said that,
Shuusuke woke up.
Hanma’s head turned to his in half a second, his hand now
clasped on the policeman’s mouth before he could even
attempt to scream. “Hey, hey, let’s calm down Peppa, yeah?”
He cooed, trying to calm the man on the bed. I wanted to laugh
at the name he had used but all I could do was glance around
the room, fearing someone would walk in, all too aware of
what we were doing and where it was leading. Shuusuke was
making sounds behind Hanma’s hand, gasping for air perhaps
or mumbling something none of us could understand—all it
did was make the criminal smirk as he leaned in. “If the hand
wasn’t enough, I said shut the fuck up,” his palm pressed with
more force on the man’s mouth, making him whimper in pain,
“or die.” He spat, not one ounce of humor in his tone.
And yet, he made himself scoff.
I knew I should be terrified, I did… but I couldn’t help but be
intrigued for a few seconds, so much so that I hadn’t realized
Shuusuke had calmed down and that Hanma was asking me
something. “I’m sorry?”
“The white board.” Snatching it from my hand, he forced it in
the mute man’s hands, “Use it to speak, I don’t wanna hear
you oink.” His slender finger tapped the middle of the board,
the thud erasing the short silence, “Now, what did you tell
your pals?”
Shuusuke looked at Hanma with half-lidded, bruised eyes,
then looked down at the board and didn’t write. The tension
between the two men grew as the fake doctor gently took the
tools from the policeman’s hands and started drawing in front
of him, “Here, that’s how you do it. You write, small
movements–” He started speaking slower for the last part then
shoved everything back in Shuusuke’s hands, “Now answer
the question.”
The brown-haired man erased Hanma’s drawing, it was two
stick figures with one pointing a gun at the other. Too much
effort had been put into this, but he was here to fuck around
and it showed. Even beaten up, bruised and scarred,
Shuusuke’s face showed the annoyance he felt as he scribbled
in barely readable handwriting, “Nothing.”
“Yeah, that’s a lie. I don’t treat liars with respect.”
I met Hanma’s gaze and gave him a strained smile, “Maybe he
didn’t say shit, he just woke up, Shu.” In a second, Hanma had
cradled my face with one hand over the bed as he brushed his
thumb over my cheek, “Doll, doll, doll.” He cooed mockingly
as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, “It’s the last time
I’ll allow you to be gullible, ok? The moment this bastard got
outta the womb he snitched.” Gently, Hanma let go of my face
and pushed Shuusuke’s hair back as he looked down at him
with a wicked grin, “I’m ready to bet the moment he woke up,
he wished he had died. See,” One glance was thrown my way
before returning to the man on the bed, “He knew his days
were numbered.”
With one push on the man’s head, Hanma took a small step
back and raised both his hands, “But he was smart! I’ll give
him that.” he laughed. His patience was growing thin, while I
was only growing more tense as time went on. Why was he
not killing him now?
“Here, let me ask you this,” Hanma grabbed the board once
more and wrote down, “How many are waiting outside?”
When Shuusuke read the words, his eyes widened just like
mine did. I spoke first, seeing how the policeman was
smirking at that question, “What?! I thought you had it under
control!”
With shaky hands, the wounded bastard wrote back, “3
units.”
Hanma smiled at that as he pulled out his phone and showed
the screen, a mocking pout on his face as he spoke to
Shuusuke like he was a toddler, “Okay, now tell me. Are those
license plates familiar?” The pictures shown were a few
different ones, but the people in them were the same, one
person per picture, one license plate, and a lot of blood. A car
crashed in the back, or sometimes some fire. Hanma swiped to
show the photos and smiled at Shuusuke. The three people I’d
see were the Haitani brothers and Sanzu—that was how they
decided to spend their evening, hunting down cop cars to take
them down. “Right, sorry, your eyes are a bit wonky, if you
can’t read it says–” he then pretended to zoom in on the screen
before dropping the phone and grabbing Shuusuke’s face,
“Don’t fuck with us like we’re petty criminals, next time your
team’ll have to work harder if they wanna catch us.”
“We will–” Shuusuke’s strained voice was cut off by Hanma
tutting him, his finger pressed to his lips condescendingly.
“You will do nothing. You won’t be there to help.”
His head raised to look up at me, “Your turn, kill him.”
I had done so, so many things, but I still tried to fight it—
perhaps it was a proof I still had some good in me, as futile as
it was to hold onto that, “It’s a hospital, I don’t–”
“No guns, you won’t get caught, promised.” That reassuring
smile was anything but. He reached out to hold my hands and
told me to climb on the bed, which I did hesitantly. I had no
choice but to follow his orders. Once sitting on the side of
Shuusuke, I looked at him in confusion, then at Hanma.
The latter grinned and grabbed my leg to have me straddle
Shuusuke’s stomach, “I don’t feel comfortable…” I whispered
to Hanma who laughed at me, “Oh, but he’s hard as a rock! Or
he’ll be once…” he snatched a pillow from under Shuusuke’s
head and placed it in my hands, “you’ve taken care of him!”
That made the policeman struggle under me, both him and I
were in shock but Hanma guided the pillow to the poor
bastard’s face then pushed on each side of it while the man
thrashed under me. I didn’t dare do anything, all I could do
was stare at the pillow, but Hanma did not have the patience.
“More strength, doll, come on.” He nodded once, trying to get
me to do it.
“Shuuji, no, I–”
“That tattoo isn’t for show, doll. You said you’d kill for
Bonten,” he paused and let go of the pillow, smiling
sadistically as he placed his palm up in front of him to let me
do so, “So kill.”
Overwhelmed.
I felt overwhelmed. I had killed before so why did it feel
worse this time? And why did I still press on the pillow with
all my force? I could feel Shuusuke struggling for his life
under me, his legs moving and kicking until Hanma held them
down.
What am I doing?
I don’t know what I’m doing.
Of course I don’t! It’s not me.
This is not me.
This is her.
The monster he created.
A monster made of guilt, regret, disgust, fear, confusion.
A monster made of wickedness, darkness…
I was starting to break again; I had to hold on, I couldn’t fall
apart now. Just because mentally I was breaking didn’t mean I
was allowed to let go now. To avoid thinking of what I was
doing, I focused on something, like how easy it was to die.
Bones are brittle, so weak and yet so strong. Just like
anything, its environment makes its strength. Use a bone to
fight and it’ll break, use a bone to support your entire system
and it makes it as tough as stone, almost invincible. So how
come that the body, something that we can touch, that exists,
that has such strength… becomes utterly powerless when the
mind says it is enough? Untouchable, unreachable,
impalpable, it keeps us together, the mind. Without relying on
anything but itself.
And yet, plant one bad seed in the strongest of pavements, and
time will ruin it.
Have one bad thought and let it grow, then you’re helpless. No
matter how strong your bones are, no matter how robust your
body is. Only your mind can fight your mind. But nothing can
fight the lack of air, not when you’re helpless like this.
Ah, and when the pavement is already ruined… the last resort
is to break it yourself and redo the entire street. Getting
control back in such a situation is not an easy task, but it will
be rewarding. So, perhaps that’s what I’ll do… I’ll redecorate
my street, make it look like a jungle this time. At least like that,
the plants that grew will not look out of place, they’ll thrive…
right?
Like Hanma said, I had to change my mindset.
I smiled, coming back to my senses. The pillow was stained
with tears and I smiled. My arms were shaking from all the
force I was putting into the action.
A monster made of thrills, is what I had become.
I didn’t stop pushing on the pillow until Hanma forced me to
let go, a beautiful chuckle escaping his lips as he did so,
“Aight little killer, get off our guy now.”
I held out my hand to him so he could help me off the bed and
saw how much my hands were shaking.
Shuusuke had been shaking under me.
Maybe that was his departure gift, I thought with a nervous
laugh, my eyes still locked on our now intertwined hands.
“Yeah, right. We’ll laugh later, right now we gotta bounce,
pretty.”
How fucked up was it, that him calling me this right after
committing such an awful act made my heart all aflutter? My
hand tightened around his as we rushed down the corridors,
both of our heads hooded. It had been easier to leave than it
had been to sneak in and once we were out, I couldn’t help but
glance up at Shuusuke’s room.
The light was still on and as we walked further in the parking
lot, I saw a shadow inside that disappeared just as fast.
“Good night.” I whispered under my breath.
Hanma tugged on me to walk faster and just like that, one
more problem had been taken care of. But as we reached the
quietness of the car, both silent once the doors closed, I knew
who else needed to be silenced and I feared what it’d come to,
when it’d come down to it.
“You did great out there, babe. It looked so fucking passionate
when you broke down in tears.” He laughed, grabbing my chin
and kissing me with such heat I couldn’t help but smile in the
kiss, proud of having him this happy. “Let’s go home.”
Home had become the monster’s den.
But it felt so warm, I liked it there.
Chapter End Notes

Did I take some time? Perhaps. But you can’t rush

perfection, and it was justified because something took
hold of me and I had to write an Atsumu fic so……yeah
Hum, thoughts about cutting people’s extremities? I think
it’s a job that needs to be done, personally. mmmm…
Reminder that there is a little 18+ server on discord, don’t
hesitate to join by asking me on Twitter!
@PhysicalTurian
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Added on 24th April 2022
 Chapter 22
Chapter Notes

No warnings to add
See the end of the chapter for more notes

Getting home didn’t take long at all, and passing out once we
had reached the bed didn’t either. What had happened at the
hospital, while it dug me further in that dreadful lifestyle,
helped me get past this odd, sickening feeling that had been
building up inside me and had been making me feel like dying.
I wasn’t sure it had completely changed my mindset, but I was
now more than determined to convince myself to get over
those burdening feelings. Because with them, I wouldn’t get
far. I wouldn’t survive.
And I needed to survive, if I wanted to stay by his side.
Time went by so fast after that, that Monday arrived and I now
found myself standing in front of my workplace. I didn’t know
how I got there, but now that I was back to reality, I blinked a
few times and gripped the handle of my bag tight. “Maybe
relax, you look so tense! Haven’t talked the entire trip here,
come on babe,” I heard Hanma’s voice behind me move to my
left as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, “Give us a big
smile.”
For a second I was startled by him, then I remembered how we
got here and relaxed as he suggested. “Right. I didn’t do shit,
I’m just an accountant—and you got a meeting or something,
right?” I asked with a confident smile while stepping away
from him and nodding his way to not bring too much attention
to us. “Good luck.” I told Hanma as he stood there with his
briefcase in hand and a stupid smirk on his lips. He was still
looking at me when I turned around to glance at him as I
entered the building. Knowing he was ogling made me feel all
warm inside but that feeling rapidly disappeared once I saw
Rai sitting in the main hall with a few people from the police
department. I tried to walk past them and not draw attention,
but her head lifted from her hands and when she met my eyes,
she waved me over.
She wasn’t just sad, that I knew from the tears running down
her face—no, she was also angry, if not frightened. Angry at
me, frightened by what was happening. With a confused smile,
I walked up to them and nodded at everyone, “Hello, did—did
something happen?” I made sure to seem hesitant, to not let
them know I already knew what this was about. If it wasn’t
about Kei, it was about Shuusuke and Rai did not seem ruined
enough for it to be Kei, so I assumed the latter.
“Perhaps you should sit down.” A policewoman helped me on
one of the sofas and I heard Rai scoff through the tears; she
knew I didn’t care and I applauded her metaphorically for not
letting herself be fooled—although acting annoyed now might
bring the spotlight more on her than me. It was her funeral, not
mine. Holding onto the woman’s arm, I sat down and chuckled
nervously, “You’re scaring me…” “We’ve been told you were
close to Hansuke Shuusuke, one of our officers. Would you
please tell us about your relationship with him?” She asked
sweetly, now running her hand on my back to comfort me. I
sighed in reassurance only for a moment.
Another nervous breath escaped my lips as I met her eyes,
“We met here, then we—we had a date at the club, then he
disappeared even though we got along, but I–” Fake-struggling
to breathe, I gripped her arm tight and looked at the ground to
‘calm myself’. Once more Rai shook her head, I could see it
from the corner of my eyes, but I wasn’t fazed by her actions.
If anything, it made this more fun, even if I felt sick using
these half-truths to my advantage. “Later, I learned through
some of his friends that he was at the hospital. I only recently
got a call telling me he was feeling better… Rai’s boyfriend, I
forgot his name. I’m sorry, he—he called me… I think Friday?
Maybe Saturday? I don’t know, he told us—me, he told me I
was going to be able to visit Shuusuke soon.” I’d slipped up. I
could still say I was with Shiho if she asked who was ‘us’. I
could still say I was at a friend’s house when I saw the call and
was fearful of it being a stranger, so I put it on speaker.
It wasn’t like Kei would speak against me. If he had one thing
going for himself, it was that he took things rather… literally.
Our little secret was indeed taken to the grave. I couldn’t thank
him enough for that. “I see…” The woman whose tag read
‘Himiko’ went silent for a moment. “We received a call this
morning from the hospital where officer Hansuke was staying
—he passed away in his sleep during the night.”
I gripped her arm with more force. My hand flew to my
mouth. I started shedding tears, then reached for her shirt and
brought her closer to me, hugging her tight as I ‘sobbed’. I
made sure to utter incoherent words while throwing a glance at
Rai who was still talking with the other officer, her face
riddled with exhaustion and sprinkled with hatred upon
meeting my gaze. ”If it’s any consolation, he died peacefully.”
That was a lie, of course. I knew it. And even if they were
trying to hide it from me, and perhaps Rai too, they were
going to launch an investigation about his death. His death was
anything but natural, and they knew it. “Nothing can comfort
me—I don’t know what to feel, I know I barely knew him but
I thought we could go on dates and…” I ‘struggled’ to utter
each word then leaned away from the policewoman and wiped
my tears before smiling through them and taking the tissue she
was handing me.
“I’m sorry, I don’t have the right to be sad. He was your
friend, you probably knew him better than I did.” I whispered
‘sadly’ under my breath. The officer chuckled sadly and
nodded, “It’s alright, he was a great man. I am more than
honored to have known him, you are allowed to be sad.” She
then stood up and handed me another tissue, “If you’d like,
we’ll be organizing a wake tomorrow. Here.” I took the paper
on which an address was written and nodded slowly as I
folded it and slid it in my pocket. The woman seemed so kind
and so sad, she also believed Shuusuke to be a great man
which had me holding back a laugh after remembering how he
had acted at the club.
When he was told no and could not take it, when he almost
forced himself on me, saying I had been asking for it. It surely
showed how great of a man he was then. In the back of my
mind, I let a thought settle… I wonder why people are always
praised when they are dead. Maybe because it’s easier to let
the dead go, claiming they lived a good life, rather than
admitting that most of them were bastards—after all, it’d mean
they would go to hell in the eyes of those who believed.
Something inadmissible for good people. They would rather lie
and say everyone was kind and good rather than telling the
truth as it is. Because no one ever wants to hear the truth,
people are fake, people are polite, the world is good and
nothing ever bad happens in it—at least not to them. It’s
always to others. And they couldn’t care less about others.
And when it happens to them, suddenly their world shatters.
Perhaps if they were more often faced with the truth, they
would take the reality of this world a lot better.
Humming, I stood up with her and thanked her, “I will try to
come, I am unsure if I’ll be allowed a day off from how little I
knew Shuusuke, compared to many–” She interrupted me,
“Don’t fret, we’ll ask for you. I can see how much it affected
you, I’ll be talking to whoever’s in charge if you’d like.”
I took a second to weigh the pros and cons and accepted her
offer—she walked away right after. It was my cue to leave,
which I did once I had gotten my face looking somehow
presentable, or as presentable as I thought it was without
looking at my reflection.
As I reached the floor of my department, I barely had time to
step out of the elevator that my arm was gripped tight and I
was pulled to the side. The hold was not strong, it was not
someone from Bonten and when I looked at who was pulling
me, I saw an out of breath Rai, flushed from crying and
probably from climbing the stairs to get here before me.
She only let go when we reached the restroom and when she
did, I chuckled, “We have to stop meeting like this, Rai. I’m
starting to think this is your favorite meeting spot!”
It did not make her laugh. Instead, she pushed me with force
and had me bump the back of my head to the wall—I was
quick to put my hand between us to stop her from pressing
herself against me as she spoke, “What did you do to him?!”
she spat, trying to approach but I pushed her head back
roughly with my palm fully splayed on her face. When she
stumbled back, I chuckled naturally, “I don’t know what
you’re talking about, but you should calm down first, then we
can talk like adults.”
Rai seemed to consider it for a moment. She paused and was
hesitant, I almost thought it would be that easy to have her
quiet but instead he came back charging like a bull. “Stop
fucking with me!” She raised her tone and was about to
manhandle me if I hadn’t grabbed her wrist first, forcing it
behind her back as I pushed her away once more. Of course I
knew she hadn’t had any news from Kei in enough hours for it
to be concerning, I was not stupid. But I was convinced she
could be. So I toyed a bit with her, maybe I would usually hate
myself for doing this but she had ticked me off.
Furrowing my brows sadly, I met her gaze and tried to use
emotions to get her to believe me, “Rai, I know it’s hard to
conceive, but I’m not as involved as you might think I am,
okay? Whatever you think I did, or you think they did, I don’t
know about it!” I said with a tone I knew would make her
doubt. I then continued in a more humble tone, hoping she’d
believe me as I whispered, “At best I run errands for them, but
I don’t know shit–”
“What kind of errands?” She asked—no, demanded.
I wanted to smile but I held back. Instead I looked to the side,
it was all about the small things. I didn’t have to think big to
get her to trust me. “Pick up some stuff,” like that document at
the bank that had us hit a woman, “Deliver things,” like that
body at the cemetery, it was a delivery in the end, “Sometimes
I do things, but it’s barely anything. Like take care of stuff—
nothing fun.” Although taking care of Hanma had been
stressful, I hadn’t minded doing so. So, yes, I took care of
things, wounds, people when I had to kill them for the
organization—but it all fell under the same umbrella term,
right?
“Where’s Kei?” She pressed, almost uncaring of what I had
said.
So I smiled, “I don’t know, you tell me. He’s definitely not in
your room since you two don’t fuck.” She slapped me. I guess
I asked for it somehow, but it still left me speechless as I
brought my hand to my cheek and looked at her amazed.
“I admired you.” Rai stated, her gaze meeting mine with
disappointment, “And now you’re just crazy, why are you
mocking me?!” She interrupted her little speech just to point
fingers at me but I was lost, so I asked, “Mocking you? How
am I mocking?”
“You’re smiling! From ear to ear! I just slapped you and
you’re smiling!” In seconds she was now gripping my jaw
with force, “Why are you like this?!”
I felt my smile fall from my face as I ripped her hand from my
face and mimicked her action with more brutality, “Because
you’re pathetically, and wrongly, accusing me and I’ve had
enough of your paranoia.” I spat back, now moving my hand
from her jaw to her neck—I felt her swallow in fear, her eyes
now wide while I tightened my hold on her, “Paranoid and
nosy is a bad mix if you ask me. Whatever happened to him?
It’s on you.” I then shoved her away and let go, her eyes
watery from the lack of air. I grabbed my bag from the ground
and threw her a sideways look; this time I knew I smiled sadly,
but it wasn’t heartfelt, “I tried to warn you, Rai. I have no
control over what happens next.” And with that, I left the
restroom, knowing full well she would not give up and that
what she would find at the end would not help her in any way.
As I stepped out of the room, I crossed paths with a woman
and nodded at her as if nothing had happened, she mimicked
and smiled. Everything was fine, after all, I had done nothing
wrong.
And perhaps that’s what kept me sane the entire day while
cops roamed around the building. Eisuke’s case still wasn’t
closed; even if the weekend had gone by, the investigation was
still going on but I was not as on edge as I used to be. I liked
to believe it was because of that slight change of mindset, but I
feared it was simply because I knew Hanma was in the
building and it felt… reassuring.
I needed to find Hanma by the end of the day to tell him about
the wake I had been invited to. With Himiko going straight to
my boss to ask for a day off, I couldn’t just not go, but I didn’t
know if he would be able to come. Bringing someone else to
the wake of a man I claimed to fancy felt out of the norm to
say the least—if not disrespectful. But telling Hanma that
would only make him laugh, I’m sure he would not hesitate a
second to get dressed and go there. I needed to think it over
before informing him of the ‘event’.
While waiting for the day to go by, I went back to work—fully
aware of the cops in the building and of Rai’s wary gaze that
was locked on me. As much as I tried to act composed,
innocent and calm, the longer she stared the more ticked off I
was becoming. So much so that I would sometimes turn
around in my seat in the most discreet manner to catch her
almost seething at me—I would then smile at her and ask
something related to the client she was working on, how far
she was on it, if she could send me some things. That’d catch
her off guard which I loved seeing, but soon enough she’d
return to glaring.
After a while around the end of the day, she walked up to my
desk right when I received a text from Hanma—it felt like a
déjà vu to slam the phone screen down to hide the exposing
picture he had sent. “What can I help you with?”
Rai cut me off by glancing at the phone, “So it’s him.” She
said under her breath before meeting my gaze and asking,
“Has it always been him? The reason you left earlier, the
friend sending you stuff—was it him from the beginning?”
With a half smile, I turned my seat fully to face her and
chuckled, “Are you jealous?” I felt a bit too confident, but it
was fun to do so, “What if it was him? What then?” I
continued, now crossing my legs and feeling rather entertained
by her annoyed expression. She had been annoying me the
entire day, I felt it only fair to give some back and it seemed to
work.
“Then, I want to talk to him.” She simply stated before leaning
over and with misplaced confidence she continued, almost…
cockily? “I want to talk to the man that killed officer Hansuke,
I want to ask him why he did it. I want to ask him where my
boyfriend is and I want to know how he managed to get you on
his side.” She was so proud of this, of her little speech. She
didn’t even stutter, there was a spark in her eyes that I almost
envied. I’d never had the audacity to be this stupidly cocky in
a situation where I had no rights to be, that was one thing that
she had never let go of. It made me chuckle.
With a shake of my head, I beckoned her closer and
whispered, “Junior… I’m not dumb enough to get you in
contact with him. I don’t know why you’re still trying.” With a
scoff, I leaned back in my seat and smiled at her. She took
offense and as she started speaking, my phone started ringing,
“I’m not here for intel, I just want to meet the bastard–” She
was not raising her tone just yet, she was not stupid enough to
yell in public, but I still shushed her with my index finger and
picked up the phone, “Rai is next to me, yes?”
Hanma on the other end of the line laughed, “I don’t mind
having an audience, babe.” Just from that, I knew he was in
one of his moods, one that had me stand up and start packing
my stuff. He was lucky it was the end of the day and that I
could leave earlier—without looking at Rai, I smiled to myself
and said, “I’m guessing your ‘meeting’ went well.” Sure, it
was something boring, to keep the act up as a shareholder, but
if it got him in such a mood it meant something more had
happened.
A breathless laugh from him.
I felt my heart skip a beat and my face heat up. He then
hummed before I heard his grin through his words behind the
screen, “Did you really expect me to focus on anything those
old geezers were saying after seeing your little play out
there?” I was confused by his words, but he continued and
enlightened me while I walked past Rai and left the room,
“Had to hold back from fucking you then and there babe,
crying for the cops? My belt can only do so fucking much to
hide how hard it got me, babe.” The echo of the room he was
in made me understand he had locked himself in a stall, but it
didn’t mean he was whispering. Of course he wouldn’t.
I didn’t think he was talking that loud either until Rai scoffed
next to me and shook her head, “That’s disgusting, I can’t
believe–” I did not give her time to finish that. In my surprise
and outrage, I turned to look at her and hushed, “Then don’t!
Don’t believe it, no one asked you to eavesdrop.” A sigh
escaped my lips as I walked ahead and hoped she wasn’t
following as I brought the phone back to my ear, “I’m leaving,
join me in the hub? Have you left already or…”
I was interrupted by my phone being snatched from my hand.
There was only so much patience one could have with
someone that had such a high amount of audacity running in
their veins. “Who did he kill this time? That meeting, that
means he killed, right?” She said, fully convinced that’s what
it meant. I stared at her and she continued, ‘Whose death am I
waiting to be announced?! Maybe Yoko’s? Secretaries know
too much, right?” The short nervous laugh that followed her
words had me holding back a laugh as I quirked a brow.
“He’s a shareholder here. It’s a shareholder meeting.”
Rai’s grip on my phone tightened but her mouth was closed for
a moment. Her eyes never leaving mine, she asked, “How
deep are they in Silas&Sons?”
I didn’t reply right away, but the silence I offered made it so
we could hear Hanma speak on the phone, “I hear the mole in
the back, what does it want?” He grumbled in annoyance. To
say that didn’t send shivers down my spine was a lie, a big fat
lie—that excitement turned into frustration when Rai brought
the phone to her ear and gritted through her teeth, “What I
want is to know what you did to my boyfriend.”
Hearing Hanma’s laugh made the situation all so exciting, he
was about to have fun; that I knew from his mocking tone
when he replied, “Do you really?”
The confidence that so far had been seeping from Rai’s words
and actions seemed to falter, I feared what he’d say and in my
head I was begging him to not say anything.
“I’m kidding!” He said with a laugh, “ish…” he added eerily.
Hanma quickly continued, he never had enough of fun like this
so he spoke again, “Anything could have happened to him. I
mean, anything!” I heard the click of the stall door and he
continued, “But anything that did happen was probably
deserved, if you ask me.” How playful could one be when
talking about dismembering someone? Seemingly, very
playful…I thought. Rai stood there, quiet, listening, her face
filled with dread. “But you’re not asking, you’re assuming,
aren’t ya?” He asked rhetorically, “You’re wrongly assuming
I’d do anything to a random guy! I don’t do anything to
innocent people.” And he wasn’t lying. But to him no one was
innocent, and Kei was anything but a random guy. He was a
key element in ruining Rai, the woman who knew so little and
yet too much.
“You should be scared if you snitched—but only then! You
should probably also be pissing yourself in that case.” I could
hear his voice on the phone and in the corridor, it meant he had
walked up to us, he was joining us and I feared what he’d do.
Rai didn’t seem to have understood that and when he grabbed
the phone from her hand and hung up, she turned around in
utter fear—eyes wide. Hanma smiled sweetly, “But you’re not
a snitch, are you?” What was he thinking? What was his plan
with this?
Rai, sweet Rai didn’t move, however. She looked up at him
and fearlessly said, “Go die in hell.”
A genuine laugh escaped Hanma’s lips as he handed me my
phone and stood behind me, his hands on my shoulders while
he looked at Rai, “Creative! Been there, done that—now you
can leave, or ask your questions or whatever. But I think you
leaving’s better, you ruined the fun I was gonna have with my
girl just by mentioning your dead boyfriend.” I rapidly turned
around and looked at him as he placed his hand on his mouth
in dramatic shock before lowering it and smiling, “Ah, guess
the cat’s outta the bag!” He laughed.
It was Rai’s turn to cover her mouth as her stare slowly moved
from us to the ground.
It was a lot like I had done with the police woman, only this
was real, this was felt, this was a woman having her hopes
ruined along with her heart. Something that did not entertain
Hanma one second as he wrapped his arms around my waist
and rested his chin on my shoulder, “Let’s go now, she did the
trick to get my dick soft.”
His words, ever so crude, were not welcomed right now—so
why did I let out a short laugh while staring at my friend break
down and fall to her knees in tears? “You’re sick! Both of
you!” She managed to bark through tears, her eyes red from all
the crying.
Reaching a hand to help her stand up, I saw her look at me
with disgust and fear as she slapped my hand away and
crawled back. “Out of my fucking sight!”
I glanced back at Hanma who sighed and looked around for
cameras before walking up to Rai and gripping her by the hair
to help her to her feet, “Stop crying already, it was a joke.”
Hanma lied, deadpan. Did he deem her a threat in this state?
Did he fear she’d bring too much attention to us right now?
Was this why he was doing this? “You really thought you were
that important, huh? No one cares about you or your
boyfriend, the fuck would we want him dead for? Hm?” He
asked, efficiently shutting her up for a moment, at least
stopping her crying while she tried to get out of his grip.
Once he let go, she leaned against the wall for support while
her eyes were throwing daggers at us. She was trying to say
something, to find the words to express something, anything—
but the time it took her to find those words was too long for
Hanma to wait. So he wrapped an arm around my shoulders
and turned us around to leave, “See you ‘round, mole!” He
waved before entering the elevator and watching her
completely distraught state with a lazy smile.
I did not know what was on my face, but I was at a loss for
words, just like she had been.
“Why did you lie to her like that? What’s the goal here,
Shuji?”
“She was going to throw a tantrum, you wouldn’t have wanted
me to bring her to the bathroom to shoot her dead, would
you?” He stated more than asked. Yet, he still glanced at me
for a reply and I caught myself off guard when it did not
feel… like a problem, to shoot her dead. She looked like a
ticking time bomb, and by telling her about her boyfriend, he
had cut the wrong wire. No matter what he did to cover up
what he had done, it was just a matter of time before she’d do
something reckless, rash, absolutely stupid and driven by her
emotions.
Perhaps he should have put her down then and there—what?
I looked up at Hanma in shock of my own thoughts and kissed
him. I wanted to forget that very thought I just had. It scared
me, it scared me to know I had considered it for even a second.
I felt Hanma smile through the kiss, almost as if he knew what
had happened and as he brought his hand to my thigh to bring
my leg higher on his, the doors opened and I jumped away
from him. “Acting shy right after jumping me?” He asked with
a laugh as we walked out of the elevator and walked towards
the exit, “Bit fucked up in the head, aren’t ya?”
My name was called and for a second I feared who it could be.
When I turned around and saw someone from the police
department, my soul left my body as I smiled innocently, “Yes,
officer?” I thought Hanma would leave but he stood right next
to me, any playfulness gone from his face while he glared at
the man in front of me. “Himiko told us to tell you she got you
that day off tomorrow, we will see you at the wake, right?” He
smiled softly.
I hated Hanma for sliding a hand around my waist at the very
moment. I hated how he pressed a kiss on the side of my head
and smiled politely, “Of course, we’ll be there. Officer
Hansuke’s state has been so hard on her, she’s been finding
comfort in sex–” I had to stop Hanma from spilling bullshit
and thanked the police man with a nervous chuckle while
pushing the criminal away as I stepped back. “I’m sorry,
humor is his coping mechanism. I’ll—I’ll be there, yes. Have a
good evening.” With that, I forced Hanma to walk, or at least
pushed him and he walked ahead with a huge smirk on his
face. I heard the officer mumble under his breath but didn’t
catch what he said as we stepped outside.
“What prompted that shit?” I half-hissed, half-whispered to
Hanma while walking towards his car. Speeding up, he
reached the car and opened the backseat door to throw his
suitcase inside before grabbing my bag and doing the same
with it. Once he closed it shut, he leaned on the car and looked
at me with a broadening smile, “When were you gonna tell me
‘bout the wake?”
I did not waste time and met his eyes with fierceness, “Once
we were out. I got the address and the time right here,” I
handed the paper, pressing it flat on his chest with a click of
my tongue when he slowly took it and looked down at the
words, “I just didn’t know if we’d be able to go, because I
have a job. I needed to make sure I could take a day off so
suddenly.” I explained with a push against him as I stepped
around him and got in the car. He rapidly joined me and
handed me back the paper, “That shit’s gonna be boring, but I
have to do some things there.” He said off-handedly. He threw
me a side glance and smiled when I asked what he had to do.
“Those cops lost so much…” He said in fake remorse as he
started the car, “The least we could do is bring some of their
men back, right?” He paused dramatically and hummed
melodiously before patting his thigh and emphasizing, “Some,
just some. Like, maybe, who knows? A leg?” That made him
laugh more than it should have in my opinion—and all it did
was leave me speechless as I stared at him in silence at first.
After a moment, I asked, “What kind of message is it supposed
to send?” The image of what laid in the fridge kept flashing in
my mind and all I could do was force myself to look at Hanma
or the fast-passing landscape to avoid feeling sick.
In a sing-song voice he started, “Well!” It sounded promising,
“It’ll send the message that they’re too fucking dumb to keep
their people alive and that we managed to slip inside their oh
so well-guarded cop event.” He said as a matter of fact, but I
wasn’t convinced. Not only was I doubting he’d get in with
me, but I also wondered how he’d come up with that very
dramatic choice of plan. Hence my question, “And how do
you expect to do that?”
With a proud smile, he explained, “While you’re sleeping like
a little princess, I’ll just sneak out and drop off the goods.”
Once more, he said it as a matter of fact. That didn’t sit right
with me so I asked, “You believe you can sneak around?” and
as those words escaped my lips, I knew I had made a mistake.
His expression fell from his face and he slowly turned around
to look at me like I was the biggest disappointment of his life.
“My own girl’s doubting my skills? That’s a first.” He slowly
said, ending it on a scoff.
Feeling the need to justify myself, I tried to explain, “I meant I
—I’m curious on how you’ll do it.”
Hanma hummed a moment, his fingers drumming against the
steering wheel, “Mmmh, it sounded more like a lack of trust–”
he paused and glanced from the corners of his eyes, pursing
his lips then smiling in a way that sent chills down my spine,
“Need I remind you I’ve been doing this for years?” His hold
on the wheel tightened but he didn’t move, his tone didn’t rise,
“That those fuckers, as loyal, loud and reliable as they call
themselves—they’d be nothing without me.” His movements
while turning the wheel were calculated, coldly so, nothing too
brusque even as aggression seeped through his words.
A short laugh escaped his lips, one that said he couldn’t
believe I had said that, one that was breathless and bitter,
“Bonten only exists cause no one can find shit on them—and
it’s not the Mad Bitch or the idiotic brothers that do shit about
it!” He took a rapid turn at the end of the road and ran a hand
through his hair with another laugh, this time it was more free,
more open, more manic. With both hands still on the steering
wheel, he started counting on the tips of his fingers, “They
have their fun, they fuck around, they kill, they’re fucking
messy—and in the end, all they’re good for is making noise.”
He did make a point there, but I couldn’t interrupt him, he had
a lot more to say and talk he did.
“I make sure there’s no echo—I make sure no one talks and
that those who do talk are taken care of enough to either die or
lie for us.” He moved his right hand in front of him to gesture
dramatically at me, just as he continued making his point, “I
make fucking sure no one sees and those who do, are blinded.”
He was more and more assertive, or just turning his speech
into a statement; he laughed manically and shook his head in
disbelief, “I make sure that whoever thinks they’re smarter
than us realize they’re stupid for attempting—considering
even thinking for a second to go against us.”
He scoffed again, “They all realize it sooner or later, because
the ending to me is the same. I’m the one standing and they’re
the ones bleeding out on the floor.” He said with finality,
letting a silence settle once he was done.
That very silence was not as heavy as I thought it’d be, and it
was also shortly interrupted when Hanma threw me a glance
and smiled sweetly. Too sweetly after such a speech, “So yeah,
I can break in a funerarium with a leg and get out unseen.” He
was now done, but all I could do at first was stare at him in
both amazement and arousal. Him raising his tone was
something that I didn’t want to admit turned me on, and I was
not going to tell him any time soon but I felt it. And I was also
slightly ashamed of it. Instead of talking about it, I nodded and
in a soft-spoken manner said, “And for all you do for them, I
don’t think they give you enough respect. That’ll bite them in
the ass sooner or later.” I shrugged.
Hanma laughed, this time more genuinely, as he asked, “Are
you saying I’ll turn against them?”
I hummed, “Something like that. I just feel like… if given the
opportunity to beat your ass, they’d do it.” Before he could
take it wrong in any way, I continued, “Sure, they do what
Mikey tells them to, but if he tells them to kill you, I don’t
think they’d think twice before doing it.” And that was
something I was convinced of—in all the time I had spent with
anyone other than Hanma, I knew they trash-talked him at
whatever opportunity. I knew they didn’t like him, and it
didn’t take a genius to see it. I just hated that. I just hated the
idea of him being hated for being so useful and never getting
thanked for shit he did.
I was not going to complain out loud, but if the time ever came
that I heard them talk shit about him, I would not hesitate to
get it in their heads how great he was–
“Well, that’s what the tattoo’s about, babe. You don’t think,
you obey. Luckily for me, I love what I’m doing and I don’t
need shit from them.” He chuckled, finally parking in front of
the building while I mumbled with a pout, “Yeah, well, I could
do with more respect from those bastards and I’ll get it one
way or another.”
The proud heartfelt laugh that I heard coming from Hanma
had me flushed; when he gently grabbed my chin and grinned
down at me, I stopped breathing for just a moment. “Do you
realize if Mikey gives you the order, you’ll have to kill me.”
His grin widened, his eyes looked for something in mine but
all I gave him was determination as I brushed my lips against
his and breathed against them, “That’ll never happen, so I
won’t ever be forced to kill you.”
He kissed me softly, so softly it almost felt romantic, “It’d get
you the respect you’re seeking.” He whispered. I was quick to
cradle his face in my hands and kiss him with more fervor,
“And I couldn’t care less about it if you’re with me, they’re
not you. You’re nice to be around, they’re just assholes.” I
chuckled as I pressed my forehead against his and he leaned
back, brushing his hand against my cheek while walking out of
the car. When we were both out, he pushed me against the car,
“You’re saying I’m all that you need?” He demanded, one
hand sliding under my shirt to press his cold hand against my
warm skin. I hissed and nodded while pulling him in for a
short kiss. He smiled broadly into the kiss and let out a breathy
laugh, “They’re just side characters, pawns, they’re not
entertaining. They’re boring.”
I nodded.
“You’re not, you’re my own little circus.” He whispered right
next to my ear before biting the lobe that had the earring he
had given me. “All mine to toy with and you’re not leaving
me.”
I shook my head and slid my hands to the back of his head,
bringing him closer, “Alright, then fuck me if I’m yours to toy
with–” I immediately looked at him with wide eyes when I
heard what I had said and watched as his gaze slowly veiled
with lust. His smile turned into something more wicked when
he leaned back and let go of me, “Needy… so needy, I’m sure
you’ve had a taste of my dick more than once. You know sex
is not just–”
“For fuck’s sake, Shuji, do I need to spell it out?!”
He smirked, “That’ll help.”
“You can’t keep teasing me, Shuji. Not when you look like this
and–” I stopped myself from going any further, more than
aware that whatever would come out of my mouth could be
used against me in the easiest ways by this man. While my
mouth did stop running, my eyes kept wandering on his body
as he brought his hand to his tie and purposely pulled the knot
to untie it just enough to unbutton the first button. “And I’ve
been getting to you without even doing anything, is that
right?” That arrogant smile on his face—I wanted to slap it
away before kissing him but he had to tick me off just a little
bit more before I could even begin to think of doing anything,
“Is it that hard to hold back that you’d wanna get fucked
against a car—in public?” He emphasized the last part
dramatically, as if he had never been keen on doing so himself.
But I played along, just for that instant.
“Maybe I do. There’s no public though,” I looked around, the
street was mostly empty if not for a few people passing by on
the opposite side. “I don’t think you’ll like it as much as I
would without all those eyes on you—cause I’m the circus, but
you’re the attraction, right?” I said half-jokingly, but I was
pretty convinced he would not have as much fun without being
observed, and maybe I was wrong. But until he’d prove me
wrong, I could only stick to that belief. It made him laugh as
he let go of me and turned around, now walking back inside
the building, “You’re so right, plus I’m exhausted. Maybe
another time.” And with that, he had me scurrying behind him
on our way back to his place.
I did tell him off somewhat playfully once I reached his side
and all he did was match my mood, telling me that he wanted
to see how far I’d go for his dick. To that, I said, “You’re lucky
I saw your dick at all, cause I’d have started thinking you have
a micropenis from how much you keep denying me a fuck.”
Before he could grab my arm, clearly I had touched a nerve, I
snuck away with a proud laugh. When we reached the
bedroom, I quickly said, “Sorry—you’re right, it’s better to
wait.” I smirked from afar while he took off his suit jacket on
the other side of the bed, his eyes boring into mine with
absolutely no expression on his face.
I couldn’t handle him being like that so while he stayed silent,
I said, “You can stop staring now, I got it, no fuck until you
deem it to be the right time.”
He kept staring, even once he was fully undressed he just
stood there in his boxers, facing me.
“Well, stare all you want, I’m going to bed.” I huffed and as I
pulled back the blanket, he grabbed my wrist and yanked me
onto the bed with force, “What? Thought you were craving
attention. I’m giving you exactly what you want, right? Since
you’re talking shit, I’m giving all my attention, all of it. You
should thank me.” His hand slipped under my panties and
grabbed my ass with enough force to dig inside my skin and
make me hiss. He shoved all the pillows behind his back and
helped me onto his thighs, “But there’s one thing we haven’t
done, right?” The moment his finger grazed my hole, I gripped
his hand while my other hand held onto his shoulder with
force, “You’re done. We should sleep, you’re not fucking me
in the ass tonight–”
“God, such crude words. Your tongue sharpened so much after
asphyxiating a man to death!” I was caught off guard by that
remark, a bit distraught too. He tossed me off him and slapped
my ass but did not say anything. That simple reminder of
Shuusuke had my blood running cold, “I wonder how sharp
it’ll get after your next kill—or will it make you go mute?” He
laid down and pushed some pillow my way with a satisfied
smile, “We shall see, right? It’s all or nothing with you, keeps
me on my toes, but fuck you’re a lotta work.” He chuckled
half jokingly, half in exhaustion.
That need to prove myself was ever so present.
Why would it ever leave? That need? Hanma was all I needed,
right? Because he was protection and he was the one who
accepted me for who I am—who I was becoming for Bonten.
But part of me also thought… Bonten should accept me as the
monster I was becoming, right?
Because it was for them that I was doing this—at least in the
end. No matter what I did for Hanma, it would all ultimately
be for Bonten.
So who was I proving myself to?
Hanma or Bonten?
But I did not ponder too long, instead I crawled up closer to
him and sighed, content and tired. “Have we not reached our
peak? Whoever I kill next can’t be as bad as doing it with my
own two hands, Shuji. I’ll be fine. I won’t be that traumatized
as to go mute.” A short scoff escaped both our lips, mine for
finding his idea a bit foolish and him mocking my words.
All he said was, “We’ll see, won’t we?”
But the opportunity to see how well I’d manage killing
Bonten’s next problem did not come so soon. Instead, we had
to wake up the next morning to get to the wake of a man I had
killed. The same man that had been beaten up by Hanma
beforehand. The same one that ended up in a state that had me
in a position of power. That had a simple woman strong
enough to take down a trained policeman, all because he was
defenseless.
Because I had killed a man that could not defend himself, I
had abused the power I had—
“Are we ready to go? I can almost see the cogs turning in that
silly little head of yours, so stop.” He nodded at the window
towards a building where people dressed in black were slowly
gathering. Many were already crying, which only made me
dread the wake during the speech. Speeches were boring, even
more so when all of them just blatantly lied about who the
person was. Kind, funny, so generous—not everyone could be
all those at once, constantly. And I knew how this man was, so
if he was not like that with me, I found it proof enough to not
assume he had those traits.
I let out a sigh, “It is going to be excruciatingly boring, are we
sure we want to go there?”
Hanma’s answer was to open the car door and give me a
toothy grin, “Oh, absolutely, I’ll need my little starlet in
there.” Following his movements, I left the car and waited for
him to join my side to see how we should pose as—friends, a
few breaths separating us, or perhaps lovers, close and
intimate. When he hooked his arm under mine and leaned over
to whisper, I felt my knees go metaphorically weak. “I did a
little thing, they should be struggling to open the casket right
now.” He chuckled and started leading me towards the
entrance. I was listening intently, curious of what he had done,
but he continued first, “Of course, it’s happening off stage.
They would never tell the people ‘we kinda locked the dead in,
haha, sorry’.” I quickly covered my mouth to hide my smile
and mute my laugh. I was now looking straight ahead and
trying hard, very hard, not to let out a grin.
“So you wish to be there when they finally open it, what for?”
I asked without looking at him, fearing I’d laugh again. Which
I did not when he simply leaned over again and breathed,
“Entertainment. Seeing them all panic, looking around for
who’s responsible, pissing themselves thinking someone saw
—and their dumb little faces when they’re racking the inside
of their brains for a solution.” His lips brushed the side of my
ear and he let out a short breath, “Closed casket would do
them some good, seeing how ugly he is.”
Holding back a laugh, I turned my lips in a polite smile when
we walked past some people who stood in the hallway. A
small nod was returned while we kept our pace. “Knowing
they’re looking for the one responsible is the best for you, isn’t
it?” I replied in a soft tone. With just a glance, I saw I had
caught his attention and threw him a quick smile before
leading us to a seat. “Hiding in plain sight is a thrill, it’s kind
of validating to know you can still pass as ‘the people’ when
we all know how fucked up we are in the head, right?” For a
moment he seemed stunned, but a smile was slowly drawing
itself on his lips as he looked down at me.
“You’re absolutely right, here,” He discretely brought my
attention to one of the funeral workers in the room, “He’s
looking around, it has started. It’s exciting, right?” His hand
tightened on my thigh—I needed to do a double take since I
hadn’t even noticed his touch on it before. But it wasn’t just on
my thigh, he had moved it under the hem of my dress. Hiding,
in plain sight, just like he wanted.
Placing my hand on his, I looked around and whispered, “It’s a
full room, how many friends did this guy have?”
“Nah, colleagues at best, all as dumb as him—their wives too,
look at them chatting together like it’s brunch.” He scoffed
bitterly, his eyes roaming the entire room, scanning, taking in
every detail possible while his head was barely moving. He‘s
subtle, I’ll give him that. My focus was lost when two women
who were standing in the aisle next to me called out for us,
“Excuse me, could we–” She made a gesture with her arm
indicating she wanted to get to the seat next to Hanma’s. I was
about to answer but I kept my mouth shut when I felt his hand
move a bit higher, his eyes locked on the two women, “I’m
taken,” He said dramatically, giving them a disappointed shake
of the head, “Flirting with a man at a funeral? That’s low.” I
was caught off-guard when he said so and closed my eyes for a
second to not laugh.
Both women were offended and embarrassed at the same time,
“We—I wasn’t–” one of them started, but her friend grabbed
her arm and led her to another seat. She made sure to shoot
daggers at us, but Hanma couldn’t care less as he dug his nails
inside my thigh and sighed, “Room’s almost full. They should
hurry up and bring that casket, I’m already bored.” When he
started humming, I covered his mouth and shook my head,
“Soon, but don’t start acting out, it’s–” “It’s fun.” He smiled,
bringing my hand away from his mouth. Just as he said that, I
caught a glimpse of three people carrying the casket for
display. Another man followed right behind, holding a portrait
of Shuusuke before placing it on the easel next to the coffin. I
nudged Hanma when seeing his face and whispered without
moving my lips too much, “Don’t smile.”
He shook his head, “But look at them, shaken, dumb. Looking
around, trying to seem calm, composed.” He commented
under his breath before letting his lips curl into a smirk, “Just
trying to find me—not me, me. But the culprit. It’s hilarious.”
He chuckled as he squeezed my thigh. As everyone stood up,
his hand didn’t leave my skin and he held onto it like it was
my hand? He then smirked discreetly and dove it more to the
inner thigh than on top of it.
I could not say anything, everyone had to stay silent—and said
silence made me reflect. It was hard not to feel somewhat
guilty when seeing all the people that were sad for him, all
these people who respected him enough to show up today, no
matter how little they knew him.
Some music started playing at a low volume in the back while
we all stood there. As we did, I wondered.
Did he deserve respect?
I’d usually never ask myself that but I couldn’t get the
question out of my head—did everyone deserve respect? I
strongly believed he did not. I had seen his nastier traits, and
even if he hadn’t shown them to everyone, it was enough to
make me hate him. But did it mean he did not deserve respect
at all? Perhaps it was some sort of ratio, where you’re allowed
to be a piece of shit a certain proportion of your life. Maybe I
had simply deserved to see that side of him and just maybe I
had been the only one to have seen it.
Just as the thought crossed my mind, the music stopped and
we all sat back down. One of the policemen, dressed according
to the situation, moved to the podium while holding the
portrait in his hand and tapped the microphone before smiling
awkwardly, “I never thought I’d ever write a eulogy. I’m
young, but Shuusuke was younger,” He chuckled nervously, a
woman behind me scoffed as he continued, “I thought I’d die
first, you bastard.” He threw a playful yet sad smile at the
coffin, making people chuckle through their tears.
“Good riddance.” The woman muttered under her breath; from
how close we were, I could hear a mumur of her voice, which
I don’t believe the others did. Her friend berated her for her
words but all the woman whispered was, “It’s true, you know
why. He was a douche, a real cunt, I don’t even know why I’m
here.” My curiosity was piqued at that, and I had now
completely lost focus of the speech going on in front of us.
“Suki, stop it. You’re here out of respect, now shut it. He’s
dead for fuck’s sake.”
And those words hit me like a truck.
He’s dead.
Of course I knew that, I had been the reason why he was now
laying in that coffin.
But someone else saying it? Being aware of it? It felt so
wrong, it made me realize I was not alone in all this. It was not
just my silly little world filled with weird shit happening.
It was not just Hanma and me.
I threw him a glance, not discreet enough since he looked at
me with a raised brow. The smile on his face was not leaving.
When he was focused on the speech, it was not out of respect
to hear some great stories, it was some sort of morbid
fascination. “Yeah?”
With a soft pull on his tie, I made him lean over and
whispered, “He was a real ass.”
Hanma chuckled at that, “Glad you realized it.” When he tried
to pull back, I quickly added, “I was feeling a bit off. Seeing
all these people gave off a vibe that he wasn’t so bad but I
heard the women behind us talk about him.” Thinking back on
their words, I do believe I was lucky that Hanma interrupted
us that very night when Shuusuke tried to get what he
‘deserved’. Maybe I had led him on that night, out of pure
boredom, but it shouldn’t have enraged him to the point of
almost forcing himself on me.
I sighed silently and let go of Hanma, both of us returning our
attention to the speech, “…really the most funny guy at the
precinct,” The man looked at the other police officers in the
room, “Sorry guys!” Some people laughed through their
mourning, sadly too. As the man by the microphone was about
to speak again, he looked to the side—I could see some people
gesturing, signaling him something, probably to shorten his
speech or finish up soon. Hanma’s hand tightened on my
thigh, he didn’t have to say anything because I could see how
excited he had gotten from that short exchange in front of us.
For a man that was told to shorten his monologue, it sure ran
for a few more minutes. Bored, I looked at Hanma who had
his phone out and was aiming the camera at both of us. I gave
him an annoyed look, he took a picture, “What are you doing?
Stop that, Shu.”
I quickly looked around, fearing I’d get caught, he took
another picture, “Shuji, no.”
When he did not put the phone away, I went to grab it and he
laughed, taking another picture, “You’re obsessed with me.” I
rolled my eyes, half-annoyed, half-joking. He was indeed bad
with timing, but as time went on I was finding it more and
more endearing—or as endearing as this crazy man could be.
With a painful squeeze that dug his nails in my skin, he smiled
manically, “Does it scare you?” and if I would have usually
told him yes, I was now unsure because even if part of me
feared this passion of his, I was starting to think I couldn’t
settle for less. I needed that odd loving he gave, that
frightening passion that had me shivering wanting more, that
had me leaning into each and every one of his touches.
Opening my mouth to reply, I was interrupted by someone
who had now taken the microphone and started speaking, “We
are aware that many of you have kind words to share with us
today,” Hopefully not too many because I have other shit to do
than hang around a bunch of idiots, I thought too rapidly,
shocking myself, “…however we are encountering a slight
technical problem, so if you could please move to the dining
area while we fix this small difficulty. We will make sure to fix
everything as fast as possible so the speeches can resume and
we are not too delayed with the spreading of the ashes and all
that is to come.” He then smiled sweetly and gestured for
everyone to get up and follow the waiters to the other room.
Just as he moved from his spot, everyone started talking, a
deafening hubbub slowly grew while chairs creaked against
the wooden floor. I waited for all of them to move around and
leaned over to Hanma, “We should take our leave now, you
had your fun.” I told him before being stopped as he swung
my leg over both of his, “I think we could have more fun,
don’t you?” With force, he tried to have me straddle his lap
which I did for a few seconds only out of weakness, but he
managed to snap a picture at that very moment. I hurriedly got
off him, “It’s a funeral, Shu, get a grip!”
With that I stood up in the aisle next to him; as he stood up
too, he chuckled, “I’m trying to get a good grip on your hips
here, babe.” He did just that, but I pushed his hands off,
muttering about how handsy he was today, “But you’re being
anything but docile right now, maybe I should be more
forceful.” I tensed at his words and threw him a look I hoped
showed he should shut up, but it seemed my own eyes
betrayed me as Hanma smiled while looking at me, “You look
like you’d like that.” His hand grazed my cheek gently,
tucking my hair behind my ear before gripping the back of my
head and pulling my face close to his as he smiled lazily,
“Why are you pressing your lips closed like that? Did you
have to stop yourself from moaning?”
For a second it was just us, absolutely uncaring of what we
looked like until a woman nudged past us, mumbling
something about being indecent and disrespectful. Hanma
brought my head to his chest and looked at the woman with a
dramatic gasp, “Can’t you see she’s crying?” As he said that, I
hid my face in his chest and started audibly sobbing but hid
the way my face looked, smiling from ear to ear at how stupid
this was. “I’m tryna calm my girl down and you’re being a
bitch,” he paused the smile, and I felt him move—with a
glimpse, I saw the golden cross necklace of the woman,
something Hanma saw too, “Don’t think God said ‘be rude to
those who mourn’. Probably more like ‘help out others’ or
some shit.”
The woman was offended and placed her hand on the necklace
gasping, “I—He—rude!” Then she walked off, face redder
than before and probably burning up in embarrassment. When
she was out of sight, I looked at Hanma and breathed, “I
shouldn’t be laughing at that, but it was pretty funny.” That
would have made him laugh out loud if I hadn’t covered his
mouth and shook my head.
Right after that, we followed the rest of the crowd and turned
towards another corridor to avoid joining the room where they
were going. On our way there, we got called out and I was
ready to make a run for it but when the person who had called
us over opened the door to the corridor that led to the exit,
Hanma met their eyes and tilted his head to the side, “You
are?”
“Officer–”
“I actually don’t care, do you need something?” Hanma asked
with a mocking tone.
The officer told us we shouldn’t be out there, but Hanma
shrugged as he took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves.
The officer’s eyes widened upon seeing the tattoo, his face lost
all color and his hand moved to the gun in his holster.
The criminal shook his head, “Tsk tsk, don’t be like that. I
leave, you live! Simple, right?”
A short silence set.
Then it all happened so fast.
The officer pulled out the gun and Hanma crossed the distance
that separated them before grabbing the man’s head, bringing
it to his knee and slamming the man’s chin on it. I heard a
crack.
His head was then hit against the wall with brute force.
Just like that, his passed out body fell to the ground.
Hanma turned around and looked up before winking at the
camera, then back at me, “Gotta call the IT guy again,” He
rolled his eyes and wrapped an arm around my shoulders,
“Them cops wouldn’t die if they weren’t so stubborn, he
should thank me for still being alive.”
And I knew it didn’t mean much, knowing what he had done
to Shuusuke. I remembered that thing he had told me the first
night we had met, “Those at the hospital, they might not be
dead, but they might as well be.” Because they were nothing
but loose strands.
“What next?” I asked as we reached the car. Just as I did, my
phone rang and I could see Koko’s name on the screen, then
quickly picked up.
“There is a meeting tomorrow evening, you’ll have to be at the
address and at the time I text you. It’s your first meeting, better
make a good impression.” He said with a soft chuckle. It had
been a long time since I’d heard his voice, at least since our
visit at the casino. But he had been rather busy, I hoped to talk
to him more at the said meeting even if I feared taking any
wrong steps. “That’s going to be hard to do, considering I
already have a few enemies…” I mumbled jokingly, but very
aware of Sanzu and Ran’s opinions of me.
“Who’s it?” Hanma asked, trying to see the screen.
Koko then sighed, “Tell him too, that way I don’t have to call
the bastard. Am I to assume you will always be with him?
That’ll make shit easier for me, to be honest.” He said off-
handedly.
Mouthing “It’s Koko” to Hanma, I then answered the white-
haired man, “Only for a few more days, so far. I don’t know
what will happen next, but I’ll tell him.” I paused a moment
then hesitantly asked, while staring at Hanma’s eyes which
were filled with curiosity and jealousy, “Is there a dress code
for those meetings or…”
Kokonoi laughed his ass off.
“Mikey wears flip-flops–” I quickly interrupted him, “And all
of you wear suits? Just tell me what I have to wear at a big
meeting like this. It’s not that hard—I didn’t ask you to mock
me.” I rolled my eyes and just as I did so, Hanma grabbed my
phone and hung up.
Blinking slowly, I put the phone away and said, “Meeting
tomorrow evening.” I was seething at first, then he leaned over
and ghosted his lips against mine. I knew I was dumb to let my
heart skip a beat like that but he had this effect on me. “And
you’ll be wearing something nice.” His tone went just a bit
higher, like he was talking to a child. It then dropped
seductively, “I have to show off the prize I earned myself,
don’t you think?” He proudly hummed before pressing a soft
kiss on my lips, “Who knows, if you do good out there, I’ll
reward you.” His hands drifted down my arms, then gently he
pushed me against the car. I knew I was an idiot for thinking
he’d take me then and there and he saw that hope in my eyes
as he lifted my skirt while looking down at me with a satisfied
smile. “Whoring out at a funeral? Does your need for a fuck
know no end?” He laughed before pressing his chest against
mine while letting his fingers slip between my legs and
pressing against the fabric lazily.
I didn’t say anything, knowing it would only embarrass me
further so I simply tilted my head back and kept my mouth
shut.
That earned me a low chuckle from Hanma as he pulled away
and took another picture.
One where I was fully leaning with my back against the car,
head back, his hand pressed between my legs.
“You’re insatiable, but not so much as to beg hard for my dick,
so that means you’re good, yeah?”
And just like that, he patted my cheek condescendingly before
pulling my skirt down and scoffing, as if I was just a common
whore. As if he was not as into this as I was. As if this need,
this desperation I had to feel him was one-sided. “Let’s get
home then? I’m fucking starved—I mean, not the way you are,
clearly.”
“Right, cause I’m hungry for dicks or something?” I retorted
as I got inside the car.
Hanma laughed and hummed, “Well, you said it, babe. I’m just
glad it’s mine and not any of those bastards’.”
And when he said that, I had something in my mind that said I
should fuck around, which I did, “Some of them aren’t half-
bad. I’m pretty sure they’d actually fuck me, so better keep me
close tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I won’t behave and
finally get that well-deserved fuck, yeah?”
Of course, his jaws clenched through the smile he gave me. “Is
that a challenge?” And his words excited me more than they
should have. Even if I quickly said I was joking, I returned the
smile he gave me and wondered if I should actually try to
make him jealous tomorrow.
“Oh, doll. I dare you to do shit tomorrow, it’ll make it so much
more fun for both of us.” His hand moved to hold mine as he
brought it to his lips and kissed the back of it, “So try to get
dicked down, it’s only a matter of time before they see who
I’ve created, we’ll see how they like you then.”
His words felt odd. Created? Had he really done anything to
me? So much had happened, so much had changed me, but
had he been the reason for all of it? I didn’t think I had
changed much either, so his words confused me. I did not
mention it anymore and changed the topic to what would be
talked about at the meeting according to him and from then on,
everything returned to something more normal.
If I had to attend a serious meeting with Bonten tomorrow, I
had to make sure I knew everything that I needed to know
before getting there. If I made a fool of myself for not being
able to answer a question, I’d shame Hanma—which was
anything but what I wanted to do. So I was going to be asking
him many questions until tomorrow night, the first one being
how the organization really worked.
Hanma answered all of them while busying himself, knowing
almost everything by heart, as if it was second nature to him,
because he needed to know all of this. Seeing how much he
knew, I was in awe of his memory and his information-
gathering skills—or rather, his information-retaining skill.
Seeing him so at ease in his role made me want to be as useful
as he was and perhaps to participate in different things in
Bonten rather than just being seen as his sidekick. I needed to
prove myself on a higher level so that they would recognize
me, so that I could be worthy to be by his side, so that we’d
get the respect we deserved.
So that’s what I’d do.
Tomorrow, at the Bonten meeting, I’d prove myself to them.
I’ll have memorized everything that I’d need to memorize and
amaze them with my thinking.
It was simple.
So simple…
Chapter End Notes

Thank you for your patience, here it is… After a few

delays from birthdays and all that stuff. A Draken one-
shot is coming, for those who are wondering. Any
thoughts? Any guesses of what’s to come…I do believe
this book is coming to an end, thoughts on that too? :)
Words : 11 478
Added on 15th May 2022
 Chapter 23
Chapter Notes

Tame chapter tbh, pretty slay too

See the end of the chapter for more notes

What happened yesterday was enough to have Rai take the day
off, which I only learned through her absence at the office, not
through a formal announcement. Sure, it was understandable
for the woman to be shaken, but Hanma had told her he had
been ‘joking’ for what it was worth. Clearly, it was not worth
much considering she was taking so long to process it. Rai was
not stupid, I knew that. It had been shown through how quick
she had connected the dots, even with little help from external
people. So, of course, Hanma’s little prank did not work on
her, but at the time she had only gotten over it enough to kick
us out. And yet, as much as the woman had been annoying and
relentless, I feared for her life. She was not letting anything
go, she was holding onto every piece of information she had,
she was like a rabid dog.
And I knew full well what Hanma would say they did to rabid
dogs in the organization…
That had me sigh in disappointment, it would be a shame to
lose her over something so trivial.
“Excuse me, do you know where Rai Nayoko is? She’s a
junior, she–”
I smiled politely at the person who had interrupted my work
and chuckled, “She is out of office today, heard she needed to
take a day off. If there’s anything you need done you could try
Kawahara Minori on the second floor. I think she’s arrived a
few weeks ago, her workload’s pretty low.” I explained calmly.
Inside I was boiling at Rai’s disappearance, because I knew
she had not warned anyone. Perhaps a part of her thought she
had a pass because she could use whatever info she had
against me, but I was not going to let it get to me. Sure, her
absence for the day confused everyone—not once had she
missed a day of work—but if I managed to make it look
normal, everyone would believe it to be true and normal
indeed.
“I was worried for a second! I’ll do that, could you send me
the bill of–”
Nodding once more, I grinned, “It’s on its way right now, I
was just finishing it. Do find Minori.” And I sent them off.
For some reason, my first instinct when I was alone once more
was to text Hanma telling him that Rai was not here today. I
wasn’t sure if I was telling him all this because I wanted to tell
him about my day or if I thought he needed to know that
specific information. I would like to think it was the latter, but
part of me just wanted to talk to him.
That part felt even more excited when he replied rapidly.
“H”: Didn’t kill her
“H”: yet
“H”: kidding
“H”: cleaning up something then be ready at 5 main entrance
From the little emotions, or perhaps lack of any pictures or
overused flirtatious words, I could guess he was currently
‘cleaning up’. My reply was short as I told him I’d be ready by
then but I’d have to get changed.
His answer, while unexpected, was more than welcomed when
I saw the short voice message I received from him, “Office
clothes,” I heard a thud behind him and some metallic rattling,
“can be hot, ya know, they fucking wish they could fuck you in
that office in that skirt… reminds me that we gotta do that,
shit it’s on my bucket list. Tell me when you’re free for me to
swing by–” the voice message suddenly stopped after hearing
Hanma sigh angrily. A few seconds after, he sent another one,
out of breath, “I’ll swing by and fuck you in front of those
stuck up people if that’ll take the stick out of their ass. That
could be fun.”
I had a hard time deciding if I liked the idea or if I just found it
funny to hear him talk about such a topic while taking care of
someone. At least, taking care by the definition of Bonten.
With a short scoff, I stood up and moved to the empty corridor
as I replied with a voice message, “Great idea, but only once
everything’s taken care of and I don’t have to look at Rai’s
puppy eyes while you’re fucking me. I think it’d be funnier to
do it in front of someone other than my co-workers though.” I
paused and brought the phone closer to my mouth, “Thoughts
on Ran as our one and only public?”
Then I let go and sent the voice message.
Saying such a thing must have for sure riled him up, that’s
why I smiled down at the phone before putting myself on do
not disturb. Excitement coursed through my body as I shoved
my phone in my pocket and went about my day. Was it the
best thing to do? Not really. But was I looking forward to
seeing him frustratedly looking at me, telling me I was fucking
around with something I shouldn’t. Because deep down I
hoped that’d be the thing that’d make him cave in and fuck
me.
The entirety of the day, I was tempted to look at the screen or
check if he had seen my message but I thought it’d be a lot
more tasteful if I had his reaction in person. Half the time I
was zoning out, thinking about Rai’s absence and what it
meant, while the rest of the time I was over excited to see his
pissed off expression after my suggestion.
It did not take a genius, after the many times I mentioned him,
to know that Ran was a sensitive topic. But I also knew
Hanma was rather… territorial, and I wanted to see it in
action. I wanted to see if that one small push would be enough
to be the tipping point to make him fuck me. I had been more
than a fool to believe that for even one second. Hanma, while
being an impulsive man, had the most restraint when it came
to, well, me. It surprised me, knowing how easy he’d punch a
man for speaking to him with an ounce of disrespect—how
he’d get in a fight with anyone who would be too boring for
him and thought themselves to be better than everyone in the
room.
But that impulsivity sometimes proved itself to be one of the
easiest ways to get me aroused—I thought about it when
walking by the corridor in which I had met Ran a few weeks
back. That time Hanma had been waiting for us when Ran
tried to have his way with me, I had never felt more relieved
from seeing what I thought, at the time, was the worst
psychopath I had ever encountered.
With time I learned to rely on him, to relish his presence, his
touch, to even yearn for the latter—which to everyone but me
sounded fucked up. I was aware that the person I was before
all of this would also find it strange, but things had changed.
Things had changed in ways that made it hard to decide where
I stood—was I still on that fine line between good and bad or
had I crossed it yet? Good and evil both were concepts that did
not sit right with me, and sat even worse with Bonten. They
surely called themselves monsters and thrived on that
reputation, but they did not believe their actions to be evil,
bad. Or perhaps, not all.
Instead of reflecting on where my morals stood, I looked
ahead and walked out of the hub—surprised to not see Hanma.
As I was about to grab my phone, my wrist was gripped
forcefully and I was dragged to a familiar car, my heart
thumping in my chest. Looking up, I grinned at Hanma’s chest
and was forced against the car—the first words that came out
of his mouth were, “Either your phone’s dead or you are,
doll.”
That was enough to have me smiling like an idiot, something I
shouldn’t have been doing but still did when I met his gaze—
that fiery gaze shining with something that sent chills through
my body when he tilted his head to the side and smiled
sweetly. “Here, you’ve gone mute, let’s see which it is.”
His hands patted down my body to find my phone then with
one simple gesture, the screen lit up. Tons of missed calls,
messages and notifications adorned it before he shoved it in
his pocket, “D’ya think it’s funny?” He asked before suddenly
pressing his cheek against mine as he whispered playfully, yet
threateningly, “Of course you do, you’re almost shaking in
excitement.”
Then he stepped away, tugging me from the car, and opened
the door before shoving me in the backseat. “Wouldn’t want
you to get the wrong idea, I’m not giving you shit attention
after that stunt.” And before I could join him in the front, he
slammed the backdoor shut and locked the car before getting
in the driver seat. He did not wait much before starting the car
and out of habit, I knew we were going to his place—after all,
we had to get changed for the meeting Koko had asked us to
attend. I did not know yet who would be there, but asking
Hanma right now would only make him mad.
Instead, I tried to make things better.
Tried being the key word.
“I was only half-kidding…” I said, leaning on the back of his
seat, earning myself a dry scoff from the man, but I could see
his fingers drumming on the wheel. “But maybe what I am
saying is that it would show him–”
“What would it show him?” Hanma inquired, looking at me
through the rearview mirror. “That you’re looking for any
opportunity to whore out just cause you haven’t been fucked
yet?” He spat, his smile turning slightly bitter as those words
left his mouth. As if he had flipped the switch, his face turned
fully playful as he let his head hit the back of the seat, “So
maybe you need a little reminder.” His voice, sweet, sing-
song, it was unthreatening. But that’s exactly what made it so.
I did not dare speak thus making the rest of the drive silent
once I sat back down properly.
The moment we arrived at the building, I was yanked out of
the car but this time I made sure to keep up with his pace to
not feel that strong tug of his on my arm. A wince still escaped
my lips and I felt like a child being berated. What awaited me
back at his place was anything but what a child would get
upon being told off—when we crossed the door of his
apartment, after an excruciatingly silent ride up the elevator, I
was pushed to the couch back first.
A yelp escaped my lips but it did not mean much as I smiled at
the sight of Hanma resting one knee on the armrest while
undoing his belt, “Look at you, you don’t even fear whatever
I’m gonna give you anymore.” He breathed slowly, his eyes
roaming all over my body. Why would I fear fucking him? I
didn’t care if he hit me, it made it more fun—what?
“Fuck, you’re that excited to get beaten up?” He scoffed. His
hand reached for the front of my shirt—he pulled me up by the
collar to have me sit, then told me to sit on my knees. I quickly
did, knowing full well how desperate it made me. In an
attempt to keep some dignity, I managed to say, “Am I
supposed to fear the Reaper? So far he’s been pretty nice, but
maybe you’ve gone soft.” I smiled sweetly, “I think that’s it.”
Suddenly, his hand was on my throat as he pulled me towards
him with a wicked smile on his lips, “Soft? Baby, you’ve just
spiraled down, that’s why you think I’ve gone soft.” He
mocked. One second later, his hand was on my neck and I had
his belt wrapped around it. Gritting through my teeth, I met his
gaze and told him this was boring, he should fuck me, but he
only tutted me like an idiot. “Boring? I’m giving you exactly
what you need.” He breathed against my lips as he tightened
the belt around my throat, making me gasp at the pain and lack
of air—smiling, he reached for something in his pocket. My
eyes never left his until I felt the metallic texture against my
skin and looked down the best I could at his hands.
A knife.
Before I could say anything, he started pressing the tip in the
belt while talking, “Because, if someone sees a dog in the
street… even if you know it’s yours, they can’t know it’s yours
unless it has–” He paused and with one swift movement, the
excess of leather was cut and I felt him touch something on
what was left of the belt. “A collar.” He grinned, looking at my
neck.
Locking gazes with him, my eyes widened. I then patted at my
neck and felt the much smaller sized belt that had the role of a
makeshift collar around it. “You bastard–” I was interrupted by
Hanma pulling at the collar to have my face close to his, “You
bitch.” His lips met mine agressively—he pushed me to the
couch before straddling my lap and wrapping his hand on the
collar, close to my chin, “You bitch in heat, ready to get
fucked by a Haitani.”
With the little air I had left, I gasped, “In front of—not by.”
The pressure on my windpipe stopped when Hanma’s eyes met
mine again and his blank expression slowly turned into one of
pure elation, “Thought you were Molly? Trophy wife or
something? When will you get in that thick,” he tapped my
temple, “little,” another tap, “brain of yours that I’m not
fucking sharing, mh?” His hand returned to cradle my face, his
nails digging in the back of my jaw strongly.
When the pain of his grip was too much, I clasped his hands
and moved them from my face before lifting my head to brush
my nose against his, “Don’t wanna be shared, just showed
off.” Our lips met and this time, I felt him smile in the kiss as
our tongues battled while his hands moved to lift my ass. He
helped me take off my skirt then let me fall back on the couch,
out of breath, “Let’s do that then, yeah?” Hanma then threw
my skirt to the side and looked at me expectantly before
suddenly getting off the couch, “You wanna get all dolled up
and show them you’re more than just a pretty face, is that what
you wanna do?” He asked with a hand extended towards me.
Hesitantly, I reached for it and held it only to be tugged off the
couch and to my feet, “I’d say the collar should stay,
thoughts?”
My hand flew to the belt around my neck at the mention, my
cheeks heating up the moment I felt the leather. Seeing him
that angry over the suggestion of inviting Ran was almost
flattering; although I did not know if he had been that angry
over sharing his toy or over sharing me… Both were the same
to him, but not to me. With a chuckle, I said, “It’s a bit
excessive, don’t you think?” That made him laugh with a
shake of his head, “A necklace or a homemade love collar, it’s
the same, right?” As he said that, he gently undid the remains
of the belt from my neck and tossed it on the low table. We
stood there, close to one another in silence for a few moments.
Not one sound coming from us, nothing coming from outside
either considering how high up we were.
The silence was broken with a gesture: Hanma’s hand grazing
up my exposed thigh to my panties as he played with the hem
slowly. My breath hitched in my throat at the sensation of his
skin against mine—I was on edge, it had been so long since
he’d been promising to give me what I wanted. I did not know
how much longer I could wait for him to finally abandon
whatever goal he had set for me because no matter how much
I tried to prove myself to him, it was not enough.
I did not know what more I could do to show him I was
worthy of him.
“Pick something hot and put it on, we’re leaving in thirty
minutes.” He stated right before moving to his room and
changing into a different suit. I was glad there were still some
dresses from the casino night hanging on his wardrobe and
among these I picked one that had a plunging neckline, solely
to show off the tattoo I had gotten on Saturday. Perhaps it was
too much, but we had both agreed on showing me off. So,
while I was not the most comfortable at first with such a cut,
when I saw how good it looked in the mirror I thought it was a
good idea. I looked deadly, and felt like it too knowing I had a
holster on my thigh that seemed well hidden under the fabric.
I even gave myself a once over, smiling proudly at how I
looked until I felt Hanma pull down the neckline to expose my
breasts. I quickly covered them and looked at him in
annoyance, “The fuck was that for?”
“Just showing you how easy it is to see your tits.”
“Which is a good thing for you, right?” I replied instantly,
pushing him with force as I put the dress back properly.
“Anyone could see your tits.”
“But no one will, they have some manners. Not much, I’ll give
you that, but some.” I explained as I placed my hand flat on
his chest, “So it’s just a win for you, it’s very easy to just…” I
looked at the strap on my shoulder and lifted it a second as I
looked at Hanma with a smirk then stopped and pushed myself
away from him, “Not that you’d fuck me. So it’s just easier for
me to get undressed and shower I guess.” Before I could fully
leave the room, Hanma wrapped his hand around my wrist and
pulled me back towards him with a huge manic grin, “Didn’t
peg you to be a tease, babe. Is that a bright new personality
trait you got just for me?”
And while I scoffed in fake offense at his words, I truly
believed it was exactly that—a way for me to act to keep him
entertained. I did not mind it one bit, but I did not believe that
trait would have come to light if I hadn’t met him. A great
many things wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for him…
because of him…
“Flattering yourself is a great quality one must have. Who else
would do it but you, hm?” I asked playfully before walking
towards the door.
Hanma laughed loudly at that and opened the door wide,
letting me walk out first as he said, “I’d say the constant
begging for my dick is a lotta flattering you’ve been doing,
babe.”
Then without thinking much, I shrugged and looked over my
shoulder, “If I wanted to flatter you, I’d say sometimes you
look cute when you smile. Sometimes.” And that had the man
stunned. Both him and I were shocked by what I had said, both
embarrassed for a short moment until he walked past me to
enter the elevator with his now usual arrogant expression,
“Keep that energy for the meeting, that should make it fun.”
He drawled. He then reached for my hand and tugged me
inside the elevator, pressing the right button while still keeping
me close to him.
His hand moved from my hand to my shoulders soon after as
he draped his arm over them, the back of his head resting on
the wall of the elevator as he sighed. “Feel free to not listen to
shit, I do that. Most of the time.” But I doubted his words. He
liked to act like he didn’t care but the man was observant, he
was ready to gather any sort of information at any given point.
He was scary.
I gave him a short laugh as we walked out of the elevator and
saw the new doorman. Hanma waved at him with too much
enthusiasm and stopped in front of him, “Are we happy to
have been promoted?” He asked with a huge grin to the guy.
Promotion? Was this someone from Bonten? How much
would one be paid if they were part of a gang only to be a
doorman? “I’d rather have worked for Mikey.”
“Don’t I pay you good money though? You should thank me.”
Hanma clicked his tongue and nudged the man on his way to
the car. I gave the ‘doorman’ a small nod and an apologetic
smile before getting in the car with Hanma, something I had
been doing way too much recently. The stress of going to this
meeting was only growing the further we drove, and the only
solution I found to it was to close my eyes and try to sleep it
off—something Hanma did not want one bit. His hand was
quick to find my thigh and hold it tight as he nudged me
awake, “Sanzu hasn’t even started talking and you’re already
sleeping?” He scoffed lightly, then threw me a glare, “Let your
guard down out there and you’re fucking dead, got that?” He
added, dead serious.
That definitely woke me up, I thought as I moved my head
from the back of the seat and looked at him a few seconds
before crossing my arms across my chest, “I won’t doze off. I
just don’t know how long it’ll take to get there, so I thought
I’d get some rest.” Just as I said so, the screen on the
dashboard lit up with nothing but a phone number on it, was it
a random person? Why would anyone call at this hour?
Hanma pressed the button on the steering wheel and picked
up. He did not have time to say hello before the person on the
other end angrily started talking. I recognized Koko’s voice,
“Where the fuck are you? You better get here before Mikey
does! The fucking audacity you have to not arrive before–”
“What, am I the last one to arrive?” Hanma asked without any
care, a little playfulness in his voice. Koko clicked his tongue
and paused before answering, “The Haitanis aren’t here yet,
are you even on your way?” He sounded on edge and stressed,
for a second I wondered if it would be that bad to arrive after
Mikey. I quickly realized that of course it would, because
arriving late would show the greatest level of disrespect. I did
not want that at all, but I feared Hanma had little to no fear of
portraying that.
Humming a second, Hanma drawled, “Yeah, don’t get your
panties in a twist, we’re there in five.” Then he hung up. There
was no need for niceties of bidding him farewell considering
we’d see each other soon enough. I did not comment on the
fact that Hanma had not saved Koko’s phone number nor on
his lack of manners on the phone, the latter which I had lived
through many times.
After those five minutes, we arrived in front of an expensive
hotel. People dressed in fancy clothes were coming and going;
there was a lot more activity than I believed was normal for
this hour which made me believe there was some sort of event
going on. If that was the case, it must have been deliberately
chosen for the meeting to happen here, all so they would not
get caught. “There’s a lot of people around.” I commented as
Hanma stopped right in front of the entrance. He signaled for
someone to come in and handed them the car keys before
getting out and telling me to get out too.
“That’s the point.” He gave me a once over and grinned
proudly, “That’s also why you’re dressed like that. To blend in
with the fat cats.” But his manners in the outside world did not
fit the ones of high society, not when he wrapped his arm
around my shoulder like he had earlier today. He guided me
through the crowd, not apologizing to the people he’d bump
into—I’d do it for him. It’s not that he couldn’t, it was more
that this was not a mission given to him by Mikey, this was
him being a little shit for fun, so he did not have to be careful
like I knew he could be.
Once inside, I let out a shiver and could not be more grateful
for the heat of the building. We then stayed on the ground
floor and walked to one of the meeting rooms, the stress inside
my body only growing by the second and perhaps Hanma
sensed it when I tensed upon us stopping in front of a door. “If
you’re gonna piss yourself, it’s at the end of the hall, doll.” He
mocked.
“I’m not—I’m not gonna piss myself, I’m just preparing
mentally. They’re all very exhausting and I need to be ready,
alright?” I whispered, moving his arm from my shoulders. As
much as I craved his touch for comfort and perhaps also to
show I belonged to him, I felt like I needed to enter this room
as my own person. Being by his side was enough for them to
tie me to him, to qualify me as ‘Hanma’s girl’ which I did not
mind, but in the long run… I needed that authenticity.
He did not share the thought and wrapped his arm around my
waist before opening the door loudly. The room was large
enough to fit a long, rectangular table with 5 chairs on each
side, while one chair was placed at the furthest end of the
table: a total of 11 chairs around it. I assumed the lonely chair
at the head of the table was Mikey’s. On the left of that empty
seat, on one side of the table were Takeomi, Koko, Kakucho
and Mochi, seated in that respective order. Mochi had an
empty seat to his left on which he was resting his feet and
scrolling through his phone while the three others were
chatting together. That is until they saw us enter and looked at
us with annoyance—at least for Koko.
I was certain Sanzu would sit to Mikey’s right, perhaps Hanma
understood that too since he left a few seats unoccupied,
having me sit facing the empty seat at the end of the table
while he sat in front of Mochi.
That choice of his meant the brothers would be sitting next to
him. I sat straight in my seat, serious, composed, aware of
everything I was doing as I leaned towards him, “Are you sure
about sitting here?” I whispered in the already silent room.
“You’d rather sit next to them? Cause there’s no way that’s
happening if that’s what you want, doll.” He laughed. A dry
laugh. I understood that the suggestion I had made about Ran
was still stuck in his head. Since I did not know how to fix it, I
went along. A bit sad that he had mentioned it again, I sat back
properly and looked around.
Hanma was the one to lean in this time, his lips brushing
against the earring he had given me as he spoke, “D’ya know
how good you look right now behind that table? All bossy and
shit.”
I looked at him with a face now ten times warmer than it was
seconds ago and frowned without ever saying anything. He
continued by ghosting his lips over mine, “You’d look better
on it, that pretty dress ripped off…”
“Hey!” Koko called out, Hanma threw him a lazy side glare
before slowly turning his head towards him. “I don’t wanna
see you two fuck here, get out or get yourself together.” Koko
was interrupted by Hanma placing his elbow on the table and
resting his chin in the palm of his hand, “Jealous you can’t get
your blondie here? You fucking wish you could grope him
with us around, huh?” Hanma then turned to look at me before
kissing me salaciously in front of everyone, purposely shoving
his tongue in my mouth so they could see. I felt my entire
body heat up in embarrassment and hesitated to bring him
closer—I did not get to do so, instead I felt him move away.
Only he wasn’t the one to break the kiss.
I barely had time to see that his hair had been gripped with
force before his face was slammed into the table with the same
amount of strength.
Just as fast, Hanma grabbed Rindou’s hand from his hair and
pulled him towards him as he stood up, making the younger
brother trip but Hanma didn’t let him fall. He held onto
Rindou’s wrist still gripping his own hair, then choked the
man’s throat as he pushed him against the wall—both laughed.
Hanma did so dryly, eyes filled with anger; Rindou did so with
pure thrill in his eyes.
I heard Ran laugh too and opted to move my seat out of the
way when Rindou pulled at Hanma’s hair again before trying
to knee him in the stomach only to be stopped. I was going to
stand from my seat when Ran pushed me back down, tutting
me, “Calm down tiger, just enjoy the show,” He smiled, then
stopped me from digging my nails into the armrest, “The
bastard can take a beating, get your claws back in.”
I pushed my chair further from him, he stepped closer. No one
was doing anything as Rindou and Hanma threw punches at
each other, so I pushed my chair even further, enough to stand
up and move behind it to have something between Ran and I. I
could feel the holster heavy on my thigh as I parted the dress
and let my hand graze the gun, “How mature of you two to
start a fight at a meeting. Were you that bored?” I scoffed. My
lower part was hidden behind the seat so I slowly pulled out
the gun and heard Kakucho laugh but did not dare give him a
glare.
Ran grinned wickedly and turned the chair; as he did so, I
stepped closer to him and rapidly went for his head, trying to
hit him with the butt of the gun. He was faster and grabbed my
wrist tight, making me wince, “You always go for the head,”
He half-whispered with a shake of his head, leaning in,
“You’re becoming predictable, bit boring isn’t it?” He
mocked.
Hearing him tell me I was boring scared me more than I let on.
As if he had lit a fire inside my chest, I gripped his hair with
my free hand—which he gripped in return to alleviate the pain
—then brought the tip of my heel to his crotch. He let go of
me for a second and I pulled away then watched him as he
tried to grab me back. I hit the butt of the gun on the back of
his head when he balled over in pain. Another moan of pain
from the man when his hand moved to the back of his head
while he straightened his back.
He was tall, and I hardly believed I had much strength to put
him down—my mind started thinking of the most stupid things
to get him down, climbing on the chair to knee him in the
face? Because I couldn’t have him ball over again, he was not
going to do that. If I tried to kick him, he’d grab my foot and
pull me down.
I put the gun away and looked at the seat between us, then at
him.
He smiled in disbelief, “Now, you wouldn’t dare.” He held
onto the back of the chair, I placed both my hands on the
armrest and got it out of his grasp before lifting it off the
ground and just as I was about to throw it, I heard Sanzu’s
voice, “Mochi, your damn feet off the chair–” he paused and
looked at us, moving Mikey behind him as he stomped our
way.
He gripped me by the hair and forced me to let go; kicking me
in the back of the knees to make me fall on the floor. He did
the same to Rindou to have him let go of Hanma—when he
tried to punch Hanma, the man grabbed his hand and smiled, a
bloody smile that I somehow found attractive, “Try and touch
me, Mad Dog, see who wins between you and I.” He then spat
blood towards the ground, onto Rindou’s pants.
The younger brother’s face turned sour as he stood up to join
his brother that still stood rather close to me.
“All of you to your fucking seats!” The pink haired man
barked, shoving all of us out of his way and kicking the chair
towards me.
With heavy feet, we all joined our seats. Hanma had his face
full of small cuts, similar to Rindou’s. I could see he wasn’t
really here and watched as he brought a cigarette to his lips,
lighting it expressionless, staring straight ahead. I was more
than awkward now that the adrenaline was dissipating, I felt
Mikey walk behind us and let his hand trail on the back of my
seat before joining his own spot at the end of the table. I’d like
to think that when our eyes met he smiled at me, but his face
remained the same, blank—perhaps I just felt the smile or saw
it in his eyes? Or perhaps I was hoping too much, I was
seeking some reassurance that I hadn’t fucked up. A
reassurance I couldn’t get from Hanma in the state he was in.
Nudging his knee with mine, I whispered as close as I could,
“Are you alright?”
He puffed out some smoke, quickly getting told off by Koko
on the opposite side of the table but Hanma didn’t stop, he just
shrugged and took another drag. He leaned back on his chair,
one arm on the back of my chair, but he still wasn’t looking at
me.
I nudged him again, “Did I fuck up?” I didn’t want to have
fucked it up, even less because of a Haitani. I couldn’t slip up,
shit I was panicking now. I could almost feel my heart trying
to beat out of my chest, or was it my lungs? “Are you paying
attention?” I heard a sudden voice to my right; quickly turning
my head, I saw that Rindou had moved his chair next to mine.
Before I could start to question how he moved his seat that
was next to Hanma all the way here, I threw him a side glare
and kept my mouth shut. I was trying to focus and turned a bit
on my chair to hide him from my view, but he still leaned over
the table and wrote a little note that he slid in my direction.
“Pst, hand it to Ran.” He whispered to Hanma, his arm fully
extended as two fingers pressed on the paper to keep it closed.
Hanma looked down at Rindou’s hand before crushing the
cigarette on the back of it, pushing his arm out of the way
before grabbing the paper. Ran snatched it from his hands then
laughed, making everyone in the room shut up.
Sanzu slammed his hand on the table, “Is this fucking
kindergarden? Can’t be that hard to keep your mouths shut!”
Ran looked at him and lazily said, “We just had an important
question, right Rin?”
Rindou nodded, “Oh yeah, very important–” He was
interrupted by Takeomi making a grand hand gesture as he
spoke, “What are you doing there? Move your sorry ass back
to your brother! Leave the bitch alone.”
While the gesture was sort of sweet, it made me slightly bitter
upon being called a bitch once more. It did not really change
anything to Rindou who grinned widely as he took my chin
between his index and thumb, “We were wondering what’s the
price.” He drawled, making his brother laugh again. I slapped
his hand away from my chin and leaned over to him, making
him lean back when I smiled wickedly, his own smile faltering
a second. His tie in my hand, I pulled him close and as I spoke,
I groped his crotch, “You should remember the amount of bills
the old men would give you when your mom would have her
turn, no?” I let go of him and patted the tie straight, “Was it
three big ones? Two? Maybe coins? Nothing?” I quirked a
brow, “Maybe she was free? That’s not very–”
I felt intense pain at my scalp but it wasn’t Rindou, Ran had
stood up and was now pulling my head back to talk down at
me—I stood up while he did so and never broke eye contact,
“It’s a simple question, how much does the bastard pay to fuck
you? Must be a pretty sum if you’re still around, huh?” Just as
he was done, I spat in his face then stomped on his foot before
kneeing him in the stomach. I was aware he hadn’t even tried
to fight me off but it felt good to hit him, so I didn’t care.
“How pitiful is it for a man of your stature to be jealous–” His
hand was suddenly on my throat, a breathless gasp escaped my
lips as I threw Hanma a glance but he did not seem to move
from his spot. He was, however, watching intently, unmoving.
I could almost see a proud smile on his face, but I was
dreaming, I knew it.
A smile made its way to my lips when I looked back at Ran
before biting his forearm hard. He let go right away and was
about to punch me when someone stopped him—Mikey had
stood up and interrupted us. With his voice void of anything,
he spoke, “Ran, Rindou, back to your seats.”
Ran scoffed, “She went crazy at me, I just asked her–”
Sanzu pulled him back by the collar and threw him to his
chair, almost making him tumble back, “Didn’t fucking ask.
What Mikey says, goes. If I hear one more damn sound from
any of you,” He mimicked pulling his gun out and pulling the
trigger, “Got it?”
The brothers just slumped back in their seats while I had
Mikey right in front of me, “You’re turning into him. Careful.”
He simply said before pointing at my chair with one arm
extended; he waited until I was seated to get back to his own
seat then resumed what he was saying prior.
Seeing how little Hanma had paid attention to me, I placed my
elbow on the armrest and rested my chin on my knuckles
while listening to the presentation. I never really thought I
would assist to such a thing, but it made it a lot more serious.
That is if we ignored the brothers exchanging notes next to
Hanma, passing papers while looking the most deadly they
could—Ran caught me staring and sent me a chilly grin,
making me turn my head back to anyone but him. Koko was
the one I crossed gazes with. We exchanged polite smiles then
brought our attention back to the presentation once more.
“Some low shit bastard’s trying to get on our territory.” Sanzu
showed a slide of a guy’s police record then started listing all
they knew about him, his still weak but growing gang along
with the fact that he had some famous politician on his side.
“That motherfucker disrespected us the moment he thought
he’d thrive on our territory.” Sanzu spat, immediately stopping
himself from talking more when Mikey raised his hand for
him to stay silent, “Hunt them all down and kill them. We’ve
wasted enough time on dealing with them the proper way.” He
sighed and continued, “If they call us monsters for suggesting
they join us, saying they won’t be caged, they’ll find peace
dying in the name of their freedom.”
Hearing him speak those words made my chest heavy. I highly
doubted they had suggested much if anything, they had given
them two choices: join us or die. I admired that new gang for
going against Bonten, but it was suicidal. I wondered if they
knew who they were up against. They all chuckled at Mikey’s
words, clearly unbothered by the task they had been assigned.
My face was blank, not from fear but because I couldn’t let it
show I was unsure if I was part of the people requested for ‘the
hunt’. “They’re better off dead than traitors. One’s less
painful.” Kakucho commented, making some chuckle. Were
they that hard on traitors? What would one have to do to be
considered as such and why did he have such a strong aversion
to people joining Bonten?
Because if they joined against their will, sooner or later they’d
leave, maybe trying to get some people with them, surely
taking information and now inside knowledge of the
organization.
Mikey was right.
They should be killed, Bonten did not need them. We were big
enough as it was.
“Pay attention, doll. It’s gonna be your time to shine.” Hanma
said, his head slightly tilted my way. I was surprised to hear
him but couldn’t help my heart from beating in excitement
from having his attention once more. Play it cool, play it nice,
he ignored you up until now, I told myself. “I’m more than
focused, it comes with you going mute and not giving me even
a glance.” That was a lot more aggressive than I intended. That
was a fuck up. I knew it the moment I heard him chuckle
behind his hand as he mirrored my position, “Are we throwing
a tantrum?” He whispered behind his hand once more, discrete
for once.
I scoffed, immediately getting rid of any emotion on my face
when I realized I was smiling, “Some might call it being upset
for the little you intervened when the brothers came for me—
but call it a tantrum.”
Hanma’s hand moved to rest on my thigh as he lifted the hem
to expose it, his face never leaving the projection behind
Mikey, “You’re a big girl, aren’t ya? Handled them well, if I
had intervened I wouldn’t have had the honor to see you bite
his hand off.” I could see from the angle he was in, the smirk
that was drawing itself on his lips. Faking sitting back in my
seat, I scooted closer to the side and helped his hand higher on
my thigh. His fingers dug inside my skin and I saw him move
a bit in his spot. In my head I wanted to believe he was getting
too uncomfortable in his pants, but that train of thought was
interrupted when Sanzu pointed at me.
“You—take the last bastard down,” He pointed at the
presentation and I saw the face of one of the chairmen from
Silas&Sons—I didn’t say anything about the fact that there
were others that we had yet to convince because I feared they
had done it themselves. Perhaps bribed some, killed others…
And he was the last one standing in their way.
”Motherfucker’s too good for money, so put one little bullet
right there,” He pressed the center of his forehead, grinning
broadly and added, “Once that’s done we’ll have one less thing
to worry about, so don’t fuck up rookie.”
He turned around to change the slide and I leaned over the
table to place my elbow on it and look casual, even if Hanma
was slowly moving his hand to my panties, “Is there a
deadline?”
Mikey was the one to say, “The faster it’s done, the better.” I
nodded and leaned back on my chair.
Koko made a subtle hand gesture for me to look at my phone
and I did, noticing a text from him that said, “That means 3
days tops.” I held back a smile and thanked him, Sanzu scared
me when addressing me once more, “It’s one job. You’re not
here cause you’re an executive, you’re not here cause you’re
loyal, you’re not here because you’re valuable,” He placed
both his hands on the table with a thud, I heard Takeomi sigh
along with Kakucho while Koko smiled, “You’re here cause
Mikey wants to see if you can finish this, you started this
entire shit by being a traitor to Silas&Sons–” Koko interrupted
him with a soft laugh, “I don’t think you can betray corporate,
but go on.”
Sanzu gave him a dirty look and continued, “You should be
damn grateful to be sitting here tonight when everyone’s
desperately tryna climb up to reach this very seat you’re sat
on.” He pushed himself away from the table and spread his
arms wide, “This is an honor!” I heard Rindou mumble ‘not
again’ as he covered his face and leaned back, “You don’t
realize how grand Bonten is! The feeling of belonging–”
Mikey placed a hand on Sanzu’s shoulder, “Continue the
presentation.” I held back a laugh at first, I had managed to do
that. Then, when everyone focused back on Sanzu’s long
presentation, Hanma tilted his head my way and said, “Oh, I
sure feel like I belong now that we all have matching tattoos.”
I couldn’t hold back my laugh this time and snorted, my hand
going to my face to stop it while the other gripped his arm.
Some people turned to look at me and I uncovered my face to
show I wasn’t doing anything. They looked away and I leaned
back towards Hanma, “No, no, you don’t get it, this is so much
bigger than we can understand!” He let out a barked out
laugh, making Sanzu throw a glass his way which crashed into
the wall behind him.
Startled, I flinched but did not say anything, we both
understood the message and when he returned to talking, I
leaned towards Hanma and commented, “We should make an
offering to be forgiven after insulting the Bonten gods, what
do you think we should give them?”
We listened as tasks were given; it seemed they were assigned
to each respective person, but I believed it was more assigned
to their… ’departments’, the businesses each were handling—
unless it was specifically required by Mikey for them to do it
themselves, like he would when asking Hanma to take care of
people. After a few seconds, Hanma answered, “If he keeps
sucking Mikey’s dick like that, maybe mouthwash.”
I quickly pressed my face into his arm to mute my laugh. We
kept making little jokes like that until the end of the
presentation—once it was finally over, Hanma stood up and
moved to Sanzu’s spot, pushing him aside. It happened so fast
I didn’t have time to ask him what he was doing.
Mikey was still in his chair, now on his phone.
“I’ll lighten the mood.” Hanma said in a sing-song voice.
Kakucho and Takeomi both stood up, the latter tapping on
Mochi’s shoulder to have him follow them. Hanma did not
even look at them as he fumbled with the cables to find one to
plug his phone in. When he was connected, he opened his
gallery and showed the first picture. I had to cover my face in
embarrassment.
“So, earlier this week we had such a fun time with my girl,
here we are at the funeral of that bastard cop—here she is all
shy but here,” He moved two pictures further, ignoring the one
where I’m reaching for the phone to stop him, one of the
pictures where he had my leg onto his for no reason while
people were leaving, “She’s letting me grope her in public!”
He met Ran’s gaze and smiled wickedly.
My entire body froze at the taunt and at the picture, but what
put me in awe was how the remaining people weren’t leaving.
Sanzu was back at his seat next to Rindou, glancing at Mikey
almost in a hurry but he did not say anything unlike the
brothers who leaned in with their elbows on the table, “You’re
selling the product, so what’s the price?” Rindou asked,
opening his wallet.
Hanma gave him a deadly look; they stared at one another, the
long-haired brother grinning like a fool while The Reaper
stayed deadpan. Ran, without any attention on his person, tried
to move to the seat next to mine but I was fast to kick it out of
the way, making him click his tongue as he sat back down. I
heard Hanma chuckle and looked up, meeting his gaze,
“That’s my girl,” he turned towards Ran and smirked, “You’re
really desperate. Don’t you own whore houses? I’m sure those
are free, go get some.”
Rindou laughed, earning himself a hit from his brother.
Ran smiled sweetly and looked at Hanma mockingly, “You
bring her dressed like one of my girls, I get a bit confused.”
“And I’m telling ya, next time you touch my girl you’re dead.”
Hanma stated; while he put some humor into his tone, his eyes
screamed for Ran to do it, to even try, just so he could finally
beat him up. But instead, he moved to the next picture in his
little presentation, making me stand up and run to his side to
change to another one, “Alright, that’s enough–”
Hanma grinned, “Cause she’s fucking part of this, yeah?” He
pulled at my neckline, fully showing the tattoo that was also
on display on the projection. I held onto the fabric to cover my
breasts while he pulled at the center to show the tattoo on my
sternum, “But I think that maybe I should get my initials
tattooed on her, like cattle—maybe that’ll get your inbred
hands off her.”
This time Rindou wasn’t laughing, Sanzu was as he pushed his
shoes off the table and let his feet hit the ground with a thud, a
loud laugh escaping his lips. Was that all it took? Both
brothers stood up, chuckling to each other—I placed one hand
on Hanma’s arm and let out a nervous laugh. He had finally let
go of my dress, “They draw the line at inbreeding jokes,
maybe you should have kept your mouth shut.” I whispered
slightly panicked, albeit smiling from ear to ear. While I tried
to take a step back, Hanma took one towards them.
If a fight was to occur, I had no wish to be in the middle of it.
“Do you want to get them more mad?” I asked Hanma, who
looked at me in a crazed haze, only waiting for one of them to
come and punch him.
I took it as a yes and looked at the brothers a moment before
joining Hanma’s side and dramatically saying, “Come on, the
pent up frustration of celibacy makes idiots go wild like
boars,” I looked at them and smiled, “And they’re clearly very
frustrated,” I scoffed, “Can’t blame them, I think it has to do
with the hair, it must send the wrong message to women…”
Sanzu laughed again, but only shortly.
Mikey stood up at the same time the Haitanis started to rush
towards us—I heard the click of Ran’s baton and couldn’t help
but feel excitement course through my entire body as I
threaded my fingers with Hanma’s and pulled him back a bit.
“Meeting’s over. Everyone go home.”
Ran laughed dryly but never looked away, so Hanma grinned,
“Ya heard the boss.” then unplugged his phone and shoved it
in his pocket. Sanzu pushed past the brothers, making way for
Mikey while I walked to the door from the other side of the
table—there was no way I was passing by the Haitanis again.
On our way out, I think I heard Rindou talk, faintly, “She’s
actually kinda funny, can’t believe she’d go for The Crazy
Reaper.” He chuckled, then we were out of hearing. I almost
bumped into Mikey when he stopped in the middle of the
corridor; Sanzu had kept on walking, probably at the white-
haired man’s demand, “Hanma, wait outside.” He ordered.
I liked to believe that Hanma hesitated, but all he did was grin,
“Roger, boss.”
Once more alone with Mikey, I could feel my high coming
down. I could feel my feet touch the ground, I was, for lack of
words, grounded. It was confusing. “I’m sorry for–” I started.
Mikey interrupted me, asking, “How are you handling
everything?”
It took me by surprise, making me let out a nervous laugh,
“It’s—huh, it’s alright. I deal better with Hanma around, I
think.”
“You shouldn’t rely on him. You should never rely on anyone,
sooner or later they’ll die.” Mikey said, empty. His words,
while simple and straight to the point, hit me like a brick. I
wanted to press a hand to my chest to see if he hadn’t really hit
me from how heavy it had made me feel, but instead I
clenched my hand into a fist, “Should I take you for
example?” I asked, angered by his nonchalance.
He seemed taken aback for a second, his eyes slightly wider
than usual before the ghost of a smile crossed his features only
to disappear just as fast, “Maybe. I think Sanzu would be
better fit as an example, seeing where you’re going.” Like
rapid fire, I answered, “What does that mean?”
He scoffed, “This obsession you both have. It’ll be your end,
it’ll make you go against my orders.” There was a short pause,
he stepped close to me and patted my cheek like a brother
would before moving his hand higher and pressing his thumb
to the center of my forehead, “There is only one way out after
that.” His eyes locked back on mine as he gently let go of my
head and stepped back. I wanted to talk back, to defend my
loyalty, to tell him there was no reason for me to go against his
orders if they made sense but I was frightened. I did not trust
myself to speak, to utter anything, instead I stood there. Silent.
“Good night.” He simply said before making his way out.
I did not waste time to follow him out, not wanting to get
caught by the Haitanis. My shaky legs had other plans, making
me stumble a few times until I got outside to Hanma who was
leaning against the wall by the door, cigarette in hand. “Had
fun?”
“Why does he always have to be so intense?” I asked, now
standing in front of him as he turned his head and puffed the
smoke to the side, “He’s depressed, I guess.” Hanma shrugged.
He dropped the cigarette on the ground and crushed it under
his foot before nodding for me to come with him. I glanced at
his hand, perhaps for comfort, hoping to hold it but it was too
much to ask of him. Maybe he saw my distress, maybe he was
also in need of some touch, but he wrapped an arm around my
waist and forced me to walk at his pace, “Ya did good with the
Fucktanis. Loved the energy, babe. Wouldn’t have got mad if
you had shot his ass though, that’d have made him shut his
trap.”
I scoffed and entered the car with him, shivering at the cold of
the night that slowly seeped in. With the adrenaline of the fight
that almost happened followed by Mikey’s words, I was in
some sort of trance that had now dissipated. “Do you have
anything to treat wounds in your car?” I asked Hanma,
opening the compartment in front of me, making a happy
sound when I saw a white aid box and took it. Hanma grabbed
it from my hands and gave me a confused look. “What do you
need?” He roughly grabbed my jaw, turning my head around
to check my face then gave me a once over, “You’re not
injured, are you dumb?” He clicked his tongue and let go,
dropping the box on my thighs before starting the car.
Mimicking his action, I grabbed his jaw and pulled his face
towards mine, “You are.” I opened the box and with one hand
opened the small alcohol bottle and poured some on some
gauze that was in the box. I brought it to his face and
disinfected his small cuts roughly, knowing he’d pull back like
a dog. When he was about to do just that, I gritted through my
teeth, “Please, Shuji. Let me hold you still.”
A small smile made its way to his beautiful face, slowly
turning sly as his hand covered mine that was holding him,
“Getting mixed signals with the begging and the being rough,
gotta pick one side babe. Which will it be tonight?” He cooed
mockingly and yet I could almost feel excitement dripping
from his every pore as his other free hand moved to my waist,
once more trying to raise the hem of the dress. With a tight
smile, I pressed on a deeper cut and wiped it clean, finally
finishing the disinfecting. It didn’t need much more but that,
so I dropped everything back in the box and met Hanma’s gaze
once more, “Sleep. It’ll be sleep tonight.”
He chuckled and leaned over, his lips brushing against mine.
Before he could speak, I asked, “When am I going to be sent
home?” It was fast spoken, rushed, but the question had been
in my mind for so long since I feared getting used to his place
only to be sent away soon. His eyes widened in confusion,
quickly losing any emotion as he scoffed dryly. “We’re
playing the victim now? Tell me,” Slowly, he smiled—a
beautiful, knowing smile, “Do you want to go home?”
I looked down at his lips, then back at his eyes, then his lips
again, “I have everything at my place… I pay rent, it was hard
to find that place and my friends and family–”
“Frankly I don’t care, I asked you a question. And I don’t like
repeating myself.” He stated, deadpan now.
Did I want to go home? Could I go home? I could, he would
give me permission, but would I be able to stay away from
him? I liked being around him, his place was not half-bad and
he was there. He was not at my place, he would never come to
my house. And what if I needed him during the night, what if
my nightmares returned and I needed him to help me forget?
Calling him in the middle of the night would definitely have
me stay alone, he wouldn’t pick up…
You’re home, I wanted to tell him.
“I want to stay with you.” Was what I ended up saying.
It was a lot less frightening than admitting how much he meant
to me after so little time. Because I was fucking scared—but
he didn’t need me to be scared. I was fine with that. I had to be
fine with that.
Hanma smiled broadly and pressed his lips against mine,
kissing me deeply as he hummed against my lips, “Yeah?
That’s my girl.” He then pulled back and clasped a hand on the
steering wheel before rapidly starting the car, “Good thing you
chose me, cause your house has been ransacked by the cops.”
He explained off-handedly.
I had looked back at the road once he had pulled away but his
little announcement made me turn to look at him at the speed
of light, “I’m sorry?”
“I’m guessing the little mole bitch knew a bit more than you
thought she did since she sent them over when you weren’t
home.” He shrugged, a smirk on his lips when he saw from the
corner of his eye how in awe I was.
It doesn’t make sense, I never told her I stayed with him. There
is no way she would know, even Shiho doesn’t know—or does
she? Have I gotten drunk at some point after moving in with
him and told them? I don’t think so, I was careful. “What does
it mean?” On a bigger scale. Them looking into me to get to
him, to Bonten. What did it really mean?
“Eh, means shit. You have your gun with you, so they got
nothing.”
I started scratching my brain for anything bad I could have left
behind, anything, then looked up at him again, “Who brought
my clothes? What if they left something—I never even told
Rai my address!” I was starting to get annoyed thinking about
it. Running a hand over my face, I let out a frustrated laugh,
“She looked through my file, I don’t know who the fuck she
asked but–” I let out a another frustrated sound, not believing
she could do that. Seeing how desperate she had been to catch
Hanma though, or anything close to Bonten, it made sense she
would go that far. “She truly is a mole, she really—ah!” I
laughed angrily, not finding the words.
“I’m telling ya, there won’t be a next time for her. If she’s ever
looking into our shit again, she’s dead.” He said nonchalantly,
catching me off guard from how serious the situation seemed
to be. Mikey hadn’t mentioned anything about it, but I was not
there for all of their interactions and I feared he had given the
order to take her out. And if not her, anyone interfering with
Bonten—so, she fell under that definition.
Sighing, I did not reply and waited for us to arrive back to the
building, exhausted. It had been a long day, and adding a
conversation about Rai would not make it any better. I wanted
to sleep, to forget about her. I just wanted to hope she would
stop snooping around for her own sake.
But that very thought I had seemed to have done the exact
opposite of what I wanted.
I felt it deep in my guts that something was off, but I blamed it
on all the stress of the night. Maybe it taught me I should trust
my instinct sometimes since when we entered the building,
Hanma laughed. He was the first one to realize what was
going on—I looked at him confused and he covered his mouth
as he pointed at the stairs where, once I faced them, I could see
Rai standing up in panic. She struggled with her bag across her
chest and looked at the both of us with wide eyes.
So this was the face of someone who had just signed her death
sentence.
Chapter End Notes

What if there were only 2 chapters left? What then? Hope

you all liked the Haitani slander because I have more
where that came from. Any thoughts? Don’t be afraid of
me, I don’t bite. I have Twitter, don’t be shy yall whores
@PhysicalTurian
Check out my Ran fic that was written as a continuation
of this meeting hihi
Added on 3rd June 2022
Words : 10 585
 Chapter 24
Chapter Notes

Warnings : Dubious Content - Graphic depiction of

violence and murder
All the tags of the work are still applied for this chapter.
Arts that inspired me for some scenes :
https://twitter.com/gensenkan/status/14669492126594170
88?s=20&t=tU_PTB268go20Z5GVYhJBw
https://twitter.com/dede92de/status/147258159094576742
5?s=20&t=tU_PTB268go20Z5GVYhJBw
See the end of the chapter for more notes

Rai opened her mouth to speak, but I was the first one to do so
as I placed my hand on Hanma’s chest and slightly pushed him
behind me “Rai, how did you find this place?” Hanma laughed
in the back.
A laugh escaped her lips. She was not having fun, not one bit.
Her eyes were filled with tears threatening to fall, “I followed
you here a few days ago—I saw how you killed your own
doorman!” She pointed at Hanma while walking up to us. I
stopped her from approaching any further by placing a hand
on her chest, one that she slapped away angrily. “Don’t
fucking touch me!” She articulated each word clearly,
determined.
“Leave, Rai. Leave now.” I started.
“You killed Kei,” She pointed at me this time, “You—you cut
—he…” She took a sharp breath, trying to calm herself down,
but she wasn’t making sense. Seeing how she was all over the
place, I stepped forward. I felt Hanma’s hand reach for my
thigh and ignored it until I felt the weight of the gun leaving
my leg. For a second, I froze but then reached for Rai to try to
appease her. I couldn’t let her lose her calm like this. I should
lie, I should cover for Hanma. Or I could at least cover for
myself, “I didn’t do anything, take a deep breath.” I said in a
lower tone, hoping that would hint for her to stop yelling.
It did not.
“I don’t care who did it! You or—or the mafia.” She started,
only for Hanma to huff but he did not comment. She looked at
him with pure hatred as she pushed past me, her hand finally
leaving her bag as she pulled out a small revolver, “What’s
funny?” Her voice seeping with ire She then raised her tone,
“It’s not funny, nothing’s funny here!” her anger increased as
her voice did, “You murdered a man!”
Hanma walked past me and helped her press the gun to his
chest, slowly moving it to his heart. It felt like a déjà vu,
“Make everything right then, kill me.” He dared her, his tone
convinced she wouldn’t do it. Her hands, which were both
gripping the weapon, were shaking as she glanced at me then
back at Hanma who pressed the gun even harder into his chest,
“Do it, shoot me. I killed a man, right? Be the hero you’ve
been so desperately trying to become.” His hand moved to
keep her hold on the gun, his smile widening. Rai’s sobs
hadn’t stopped, her sniffling hadn’t either.
“It’s only… it’s… the police will know I’m missing!” She
managed to utter through her hectic breathing. She looked
miserable, like a deer caught in headlights or perhaps more
like a rat trying to escape the trap it just stepped in. Those
desperate sounds escaping it, squeaks almost. Even if you tried
to help, it wouldn’t do much good. The best way out would be
a merciful kill.
Hanma laughed, “How cute, did you hear that babe?” He
looked at me and snatched the gun from her hands while
talking before shoving it in his pocket, “She trusts the cops.”
He barked another laugh. Rai was defenseless, her gun now
out of her reach. And yet, she did not back down, she tried to
get it back from Hanma but he was fast to force her to her
knees, “We’re talking here, rat.” He gritted through his teeth,
pulling a gun from the front of his pants—my gun—and
pressed it to her forehead, his index finger to his lips for her to
stay silent.
When she let out another sob, he nudged her knees and spat,
“Stop sobbing, it’s disgusting.”
“Shu—I think that’s enough.” I tried to stop him but he turned
and looked at me with wide, threatening eyes, “You’re tryna
act proper now? Acting proper’s not gonna hide the crimes
you’ve committed, doll.” He reached for me and pulled me to
his side, his grip stronger than usual as he helped me in front
of him and placed the gun in my hand. I avoided looking at
Rai’s gaze and held my breath but did not move the gun. “So
be good, get rid of the hindrance, yeah?” He pressed a soft kiss
to my cheek.
When he let go of my arm, I moved the gun away from Rai
and looked at Hanma with pleading eyes, “We could—we
could assess what she knows, see if she’s really a threat.”
Hanma suddenly gripped the back of Rai’s head, her hair
tightly held in his fist. She let out a whimper. “She knew too
much the moment she saw what happened in that alley.” He
yanked her back roughly, she sobbed harder and he knelt
beside her, smiling wickedly, “But going to the cops for help
was her biggest mistake.”
“You said they were all corrupted, so you can–”
“And yet!” He exclaimed, interrupting me, wiping Rai’s tears
from her face and making her flinch, “She managed to find the
few ones that do not listen—now you’re gonna tell me: we can
just kill them .” He let go of Rai and stood up, “And you’re
right, two down.” He let out a grunt when Rai grabbed his
ankle to stop him; he simply kicked her hand off and
continued a strict tone, “One soon to come,” He met her gaze.
I did not know what to do about any of this. “And many more
to go, it’s always fun to get rid of pigs.” He commented
lightly.
Rai tried to get up but I pushed her back down, shaking my
head—because I knew he would do the same, but I would be
more gentle… I think that’s why I did it, at least.
She looked at me with eyes that conveyed how betrayed she
felt, “You can still leave, there are more good people than you
know.” She was cut off by Hanma punching her, “Lies.”
Blood was all that came out of her mouth as she spat, her nose
slightly crooked. While she was still crying, she met my eyes
once more and through sobs said, “Please, let me go—come
with me, they can get you to safety.”
Hanma laughed, “You really think law enforcement can
protect anyone from the biggest crime organization in Japan?
Come on, little rat, they can barely protect their own people
from petty criminals.” He ran a hand through his hair and
looked at the ceiling, “You’re a rare sight of naivety, it’s
refreshing.” He added before meeting her gaze once more,
“But it gets boring to be this fucking stupid.” Just like that his
hand was back on mine.
He helped me aim the gun at her once again and stood close
behind me.
I felt the weight of his grip leaving my hand when it was
balanced with being pressed against her forehead.
I wasn’t even shaking.
But I was crying silently. I didn’t know why. I had done this so
many times, so what was different now?
“Alright, now you pull the trigger. The usual, yeah?”
“You can’t keep doing this because you’ve made me go
through so much already!” I uttered under my breath, finding
it hard to let the words out.
Hanma chuckled and tilted my head so it pressed against his
cheek, “Nothing was ever against your will, now was it?” His
hand returned to my wrist to hold the gun in place.
I felt my blood boil and inside my head, I was split between
doing as he said or forcing my hand out of his grip. Could I
even kill her? Did I have the strength? I had killed so many
people, what was stopping me from doing it now?
She’s your friend, a voice said in my head.
“I’ve done so fucking much and you’re asking for more, you
take and you take, and—” I moved the gun from Rai’s crying
face and let my arm fall to my side, “And like an idiot I give
and give but lose so much in return, my friends, my job, my
soul—my fucking sanity!”
Hanma looked at me with a playful smile, “You didn’t lose
your job, doll. You got promoted to something more…
thrilling.” He finally said, meaning the position I held in
Bonten. “You’re not in a place to complain.” This part was
said with more annoyance.
I turned fully to face him and poked my finger against his
chest then gritted through my teeth, frustration building up, “I
know what you’re doing, you’re playing me!” I then turned
around and pressed the gun against Rai’s forehead again, this
time catching her off guard as her eyes met mine in betrayal,
“I can’t say no, you know I can’t… ” My voice broke as I took
a few shaky breaths and tried to calm myself down. I felt
Hanma press his chest against my back as he wrapped his arms
around my waist, “The more you ask of me, the more I fall
into that stupid darkness you’ve created that seems to welcome
me with open arms,” I whispered slowly, losing any strength
to fight, “ Your arms…” I sniffled and pressed the gun even
more against Rai’s skin, making her tilt her head back and
wince through the constant crying, “And the more I’m fighting
it, the more it chips away at me because I’m struggling in the
dark, hurting myself.” I said rapidly, trying to find one
coherent thought.
He raised a brow, silently asking if I was done. But while I did
not say anything for a few moments, I was deep in thought.
Among all those feelings, all this mess that my thoughts were,
I found one option that seemed to be the only alternative I had.
So I breathed out, ”The only thing that could light up the way
would be if I stopped caring.” Because that’s what he wanted,
he wanted me to be like him from the very beginning.
I chuckled and smiled, my finger moving on the trigger as I
fixed my grip on the gun.
“So maybe that’s what I’ll do.” I giggled, slowly wiping the
tears from my cheeks.
Gears were turning inside my head.
“I won’t care anymore.” It made sense, right? That was the
solution. After all this time, that was what I had to do; it was
this easy and I never even tried doing it. I think I heard Rai say
something, but I couldn’t understand her much over my fast
beating heart. She was probably pleading for her life and
maybe it was for the best that I tuned it out.
I scoffed dryly, “I’ll stop feeling, because there’s no stopping
this.”
There’s no stopping them.
“I can’t escape it, right?”
I can’t escape you.
“I just can’t…”
I can’t leave you, so I need to survive this world you dragged
me into.
Bringing my attention fully to Rai, I finally met her gaze and
sadly smiled, “Curiosity killed the cat, Junior. I’m…” sorry?
No, I don’t feel anything, she—”I warned you, you asked for
this.” When she started shaking her head, I rapidly gripped her
jaw and forced her to stop moving before aligning her with the
gun once more.
“Call it… reckoning.”
Bang.
It was so loud and yet so muffled.
Her brains splattered on the wall and the floor as her body fell
back with a thud.
My stomach felt sick but I did not have the strength to do
anything. I could only stare at her body. At the corpse now
laying on the beautiful white stones of the hall. I had done her
a favor, it was this or them killing her, this was mercy.
I could only think of the relief it brought me.
Relief ? From knowing I did not have to worry about her
anymore… perhaps…
The two arms that were wrapped around my waist turned me
around—Hanma’s hands cradled my face with force as he
smiled manically, “I made you, look at you!” His thumbs
brushed over my cheeks as he kissed me hungrily, “Look at
that smile on your face.” Was I smiling? Was it alright to
smile? Of course it was, I couldn’t care anymore. I was not
allowed to, or it’d hold me back. “Don’t cry like that,” He
started a bit harshly, “Enjoy the freedom!” He cooed softly
before hugging me shortly as I shakily wrapped my arms
around him. I heard him hum against my head, “Let’s not hide
that side of you anymore, huh? Show them what you got,
babe.”
He gently pressed my head to his chest and rested his cheek
against my head—I then started hearing him hum a rather dark
tune that I was not familiar with. As he did so, he held my
hand in his and extended his arm to the side before taking a
step back and bringing me with him, his other arm still around
my waist, “For a second I thought you wouldn’t do it.” He
chuckled in some sort of frenzy as he darted to the side,
avoiding the pool of blood that had started growing on the
floor. He then took another step to the side before pushing me
away from him and lifting our intertwined hands. He twirled
me around before bringing me back to him, “But I taught you
better, right?” He whispered, smiling broadly. With another
step behind, he turned us around, his back to Rai’s dead body.
I glanced at it a second, only for Hanma to cradle my face in
his large hands, “Like this, you’re never leaving—now, don’t
look so glum, it’s not fun .”
Those words shook me. I felt something for the first time in
those past minutes when all I had felt was utter numbness: fear
. Fear of disappointing him, fear I wouldn’t meet his
expectations.
Yet, some kind words escaped his lips, “You did well.” He
pressed a soft kiss on my mouth, trying to deepen it. I did not
return it, but I spoke against his lips, “I did her a favor, right?
If I didn’t do it, it would have been worse…”
Hanma laughed and kissed me once again with hunger, his
hand moving to my neck then helping one sleeve off my
shoulder as he kissed my exposed skin, “I’d have beaten her
up if that’s what you’re asking.” He replied, finally moving
away from me as he smiled happily and brushed my hair back,
looking at me in pure awe. “Go upstairs and get cleaned up,
you got blood all over yourself.” He said, suddenly strangely
calm as he glanced at Rai’s inert form. It was not that he was
sad about it, of course not… It was just that all this adrenaline
he seemed to have a moment ago had gone out the window
when he remembered he had to take care of this.
“I will help.” I managed to utter as I took off my shoes without
looking at anything but his shoulder, lost in thoughts. He
stared at me in silence and took the shoes from my hands
before throwing them in the elevator, “Now look at your damn
feet.”
I did and noticed I had stepped in the pool of blood that had
spread to us. It was a lot darker than I thought it would be.
And a lot thicker too, it was strange. It didn’t feel weird on my
feet, it felt like a puddle of rain water after a warm
thunderstorm. I tapped my feet once, twice—Hanma forced
me to look up, “Get in the elevator, and go get cleaned up.”
His eyes did not hold much worry, they never really did, but
for a split second there seemed to be something close to it in
his eyes. It was short lived. I brought his slender hand that was
holding my jaw to my lips and kissed it, “Is it enough?” I
asked. Perhaps it did not make sense, but this part deep inside
me that wanted to prove myself to him was not leaving. And I
kept wondering if I had done enough, if there was something
more that I could do for him to have me.
“Unless you wanna put another bullet in her head, yeah, it’s
enough.” He scoffed humorously before letting me go,
ushering me to the elevator once more. This time I did not
fight it and watched him as the doors closed, my eyes drifting
to Rai’s still open ones that seemed to look at me pleadingly.
Silently screaming for me to help her, but it was too late. For
both of us. There was no turning back from this.
And it was fine.
I’d asked for this.
Now I didn’t have to constantly be on the lookout for her
anymore. Maybe I should still be wary of the cops that were
on her side, but until then, I could breathe.
It was not so bad because I was still alive, and I was not in jail.
I grabbed my shoes from the floor and realized I was holding
keys in my hands. Understanding Hanma had placed them
there at some point, I then walked to his door, testing the few
keys on the chain to find the right one before entering the
place. Everything was so silent, so why were my ears ringing?
Why, even alone, did I feel this pressure, this overwhelming
feeling?
Stop thinking like that, stop letting it get to your head , I
quickly scolded myself.
“Smile, laugh, you did the right thing.” I whispered to myself
under my breath, bringing my hands to my cheeks as I
massaged them and tried to force myself to smile. It was only
then that I felt how wet my cheeks were, a choked sob
escaping my lips.
Don’t be weak, get a hold of yourself, I told myself while
walking to the bathroom, slowly getting rid of all that I was
wearing. No one could see anything in the apartment from
how high up we were, I could be free to roam around however
I felt like doing—the dress fell on the floor and I entered the
dark bathroom. I was too dazed to turn on the lights and
simply walked to the shower, with only the glow of the moon
as my light.
It was eerie… so quiet… but nothing had changed, not really.
People still lived on, there was no drastic change in the way
the world turned now that she was gone. I wondered if people
mourned her death—not that they knew yet. And if they did,
how many would be crying about her disappearance? Two?
Ten? A hundred? Did it really matter? They would come to her
funeral, say sweet words about her—those would be true, I
think… I knew she was kind, always ready to help. Will I have
to write a eulogy for her? I worked with her for so long, what
could I even say? I would have to do my best to look sad. I
didn’t feel sad, not anymore. It was selfish, because I didn’t
care about her death in a way that I should be. I cared that I
had done such an atrocious act, I cared that I was changed as a
person, because knowing in my core that I could do such a
thing made me wonder how far I could go next. Was there a
limit? It frightened me… the unknown.
“Are you tryna drown or something?” I heard Hanma huff as
he entered the bathroom and quickly got undressed. I stopped
the water and was about to step out of the shower when he
joined me and pushed me against the wall, moving one of my
legs to his hip as he pressed himself against me. I immediately
turned the water back on, making him hiss as he let go of me,
chuckling, “Back in that stupid mood like last time?” He
clicked his tongue and lowered the temperature before
grabbing some shampoo as he quickly washed his hair. He
made it clear that I was not allowed to leave. I waited in
silence until he was done washing up and had stopped the
water.
When he was ready, he shook his head, droplets flying onto
my now cold body, “Don’t you feel lighter?” He asked,
throwing me a towel that I almost did not catch from how
sudden it was. I followed him out but did not reply. I had no
energy left, no strength to speak, I had lost my voice. There
was this feeling inside me that had me convinced that if I tried
to speak, I would crumble. Instead of replying, I dried myself
and walked past him, reaching the bedroom with only
Hanma’s heavy footsteps behind me as the melody of the
night.
I knelt by the bed to grab clean clothes from the pile I had put
next to it, with all my products on the nightstand. Hanma had
other plans—he took a hold of my arm and pulled me to my
feet before pushing me back to the bed and straddling me in
seconds. I tried to force my arms out of his grip but he held me
down, tight, “Why the fuck are you silent?”
Even if I opened my mouth to speak, I couldn’t utter
anything.
“Look at me.” He held both my hands over my head, the
pillows softening the action but it did not easen his hold. I
couldn’t really see him, I was too lost daydreaming. I could
hear him, feel him, but reacting required too much energy, too
much thinking that I did not have. “Been begging days after
days for my dick, and now that you can have it, you’re silent?”
He scoffed.
What did that mean? Was this what he’d call the turning point?
Killing my friends? Was that all he needed to fuck me? I didn’t
move when he pressed more on my wrists and hovered over
me, “Where’s the teasing attitude you got just for me? Huh?”
He laughed dryly before kissing me—I stared straight ahead,
meeting his annoyed eyes as he kissed me harder.
He stopped and leaned back, letting go of my hands. I kept
them right where they were, not having any strength to move.
Hanma mumbled something under his breath then lifted my
legs to his shoulders, leaning over before grazing his teeth
against my skin. I wasn’t really watching him, I could feel him
and notice him from staring at the ceiling, but I wasn’t looking
at him. “Maybe I should just make you scream like last time?
‘S that what you want?” What is wrong with me that I can’t get
back to him? I want to have fun, to fuck him, but something
stops me. I can’t do shit . Why?
His teeth sank into my thigh, I think I screamed at the pain. I
didn’t hear myself, but Hanma looked up and smiled broadly,
“Your voice’s still there, but you can get louder, yeah?”
Without much warning, he attacked my other thigh, biting it a
lot harder, to the point of bleeding I was sure. This time I
heard the scream that tore my throat, I jolted on the bed before
falling down, this time tears were running down my face.
“What are you fucking crying for now?” He sighed, my legs
still on his shoulders as he crawled up to me and looked at me
in frustration, “Give me some fucking fight, woman.” His
hand flew to my throat, “What, kitty lost her claws?” He asked
rhetorically. I stayed silent.
He roughly let go and laughed, “If I wanted to fuck a corpse I
could have gotten one downstairs.” For a split second I met his
gaze, for a split second I was aware of the world and just like
that I was gone again, sobbing. She was dead. I had killed her.
I had killed someone I knew, there was no coming back from
this. But I had made him proud, right? Was it even worth it if I
was making him mad right now ? “Yeah no, stop that shit.” I
heard him growl—even a strong slap on my face did not bring
me back to him. He then grabbed my jaw and with his thumb
forced my mouth open, “Cat didn’t get your tongue, hm…” He
hummed.
His weight shifted from between my legs to higher on my
form as he knelt close enough for his dick to be level with my
face, “If y’ain’t gonna use that pretty tongue, I will then. I’ll
give ya something to cry about.” Was what he said right as he
shoved himself down my throat. It hurts but I can’t think about
that—all I see is her dead body, over and over again. Her
eyes, blank, my hand slightly numb from the strength of my
grip on the gun. She was innocent; was she? No, she asked for
this! I did nothing wrong, it was her or me—she was unarmed.
I had a gun, Hanma had hers, she was harmless.
She wasn’t harmless, she had the cops on her side.
If she had gone to them, talked them through and had them
turn against Bonten, then we would have been fucked. I didn’t
do it for me, I did it for Bonten.
But now that she was dead, I couldn’t care less anymore. It
was almost like I was free from the shackles that she
represented.
“Seems like your old life’s what’s holding you back. Let’s get
rid of it and set you free, little rat.” Hanma had told me once. I
would have never believed I’d be the one to set myself free, at
the time I even found him crazy for daring to suggest such a
thing because then I was more than happy with my life. Not
anymore.
Hanma pulled out of my fucked out throat, leaving me with
my tongue out before I slowly pulled back in, thinking, never
meeting his gaze no matter how much I wanted to. I needed
the comfort he brought me— then why aren’t his arms
comforting me right now? Had I not flipped the switch?
Shouldn’t I feel reassured to have him by my side now that I
had done the unthinkable? Hanma’s frustration was building
up, he looked down at me once more, sitting back between my
legs before kissing me violently, desperately, “Quit fucking
crying.” It almost sounded like worry laced his words, it broke
my heart. It made me feel even more guilty for going numb
but I couldn’t help it. More tears streamed down my face.
It seemed to trigger him even more as he forced me to turn
over, lifting my hips as he placed himself behind me, “Fuck,
your ugly crying is getting my dick soft, stay like this.” My
head was buried in the pillows, enough to muffle my sobbing
and dry the tears but not enough to drown my thoughts. I think
I swore under my breath when Hanma entered me. I should
have felt excited, elated even but as he finally gave me what I
wanted, my mind was numb.
Overwhelmed in emotions I did not want.
Confused by them too— I had killed willingly, so why did I
feel like I was the victim? I was not the one dead. I was not the
one who had fought for justice. I was weak, I had given in to it
all. Had I ever even fought? I’d had so many chances to leave,
but I never took them.
Hanma gripped a handful of my hair and pulled my head back,
tilting my neck at a wrong angle, hurting me and forcing me to
balance on my knees fully. I let out a howl of pain, making
him laugh breathlessly. I then caught a glimpse of his smile in
the mirror above the headboard and everything flashed in my
mind.
“Are you a hero?” he had asked me that very first night. “Do
you believe there is good in this world? Would you die for this
pathetic excuse of a world?” He had added. And at that time,
perhaps I meant some of what I had said. But now that I
thought about it, my answer had changed slightly. I was no
hero. I didn’t like the world as it was, and I did not want to
know if it was because of the bad people, like Bonten, that
made it so that I hated it or if it was simply the way things
were.
Was I like them? I was not as horrible, right? I hadn’t
committed nearly as many atrocities as they had—every time I
had killed someone it was out of pure mercy, nothing more. It
was a chore, it was not fun—it was a favor. Because I knew
Bonten would do worse to them if I didn’t kill them.
At least for some.
Others deserved ending up in a grave that did not even have
their names.
Did that make me a bad person?
“You’re also a bad person then, you’re like us, right? Some
people do deserve to die!” He was right. Some did deserve it.
I was a bad person. I couldn’t change it. No good deeds could
ever fix what I had done—no good deeds could ever make me
change who I had become. It was not going to make the
memories disappear, nor would it help with the haunting
flashbacks I kept having. But he could help—he was a safe
haven.
“Since you’re not a hero, we’ll make you a villain then.”
I didn’t want to change either. If I even leaned towards
returning to the person I was before, I would lose him. I would
be boring—bored too. That was my number one fear. A fear I
would not have if I remained the villain he turned me into. I
had become exactly what he wanted me to become and it was
alright, because he liked it; like that, he would keep me by his
side. If that was what he wanted, I was more than happy with
it, right? Yes, I was . He had molded me perfectly for him—
with his words, with his hands and with his presence, I was
made for him. Quite literally.
But this was not a love story, it was a fucked up story, an
unhealthy type of love, the addictive kind. The kind that made
me look at him with pure adoration as blood would adorn his
face. The kind that made me commit the most barbaric acts
only for his sick entertainment. The kind that made me see
him for who he was—a drug I could not get enough of, one I
clung to, one that I knew would help me get through
everything.
If he was by my side, it’d be alright.
He is by my side, I’m going to be alright.
I looked at his messy hair in the mirror and let out a giggle.
Slowly, I brought my hand to his head and turned mine,
kissing his hair with a wide smile, “Is this what you’ve been
promising? Your dick game isn’t as good as I–” I heard him let
out a barked laugh as his thrusts turned into something close to
rutting. One arm held my waist, the other wrapped around my
throat as he kept me close, “Plug your brain back in? Let me
fuck it outta you, that’ll stop you from being a fucking bitch.”
He chuckled against my skin as he left bites all over my
collarbone.
More than aroused, I needed him. I wanted to feel him on my
own terms, I didn’t want him to have all the fun so I gripped
his arm and forced it away from me. “You’re not cutting it, get
on your back and I’ll do the work myself.” I smirked, his
movements stopping as he gently held my chin and tilted my
head towards him. Leaning in, he grinned down at me and
pressed a rough kiss to my lips, “‘Think I should fuck your
throat again so you shut the fuck up.” He groaned, pulling out
before moving in front of me and laying down, his arms
behind his head as he looked at me with a widening smile.
I don’t know why I felt flustered seeing him like that. His head
had been between my legs, I had his dick in my mouth seconds
ago, so why was I feeling shy now that he looked at me with
such expectant eyes? Placing my hands on his stomach, I lifted
myself up to straddle his lap before slowly sinking on his
cock, my head tilted forward as I let out a breathy laugh, my
nails digging in his skin.
Probably thinking I was taking too long, Hanma forced me
fully on him with both his hands on my waist, “Playing the
prudish act like you haven’t been begging for my dick for
weeks now? Cute.” He smiled dryly, thrusting hard inside me
and making me hiss at the suddenness before pushing his hips
back down. I smirked at him and rolled my hips a few times
before leaning over him and kissing his chest as I looked up,
“And all I had to do to get it was kill my friend.” I let out a
giggle, not knowing why I was laughing but I couldn’t cry
anymore, even as flashes of her motionless body plagued my
mind. I tried to bury it by thinking of him.
Of him looking at me with that bright, maniac smile, blood
adorning his features.
Of him looking down at me with a deadpan expression, a gun
to my head.
Of him kneeling in front of me, handing me a gun and telling
me to shoot him, almost certain I wouldn’t do it. Even now I
wouldn’t.
Of him asking me that dreadful question, “I can see you
wanna live, what are you willing to do to stay alive?”
And fuck, at that time I didn’t know what to answer. I didn’t
know how far I would go, what I would do. Now I knew I
would do the craziest things for him.
It wasn’t the stealing. It wasn’t the threatening, no… it wasn’t
the killing either—it was worse.
The craziest thing I did for survival was loving him.
To survive, I loved him.
To survive, I grew attached to the man that hurt me—I let him
shape me exactly how he wanted.
“But fuck it feels great, doesn’t it?” I asked out loud,
breathless, looking at him with an elated smile as I started
rolling my hips more fervently, my hands sliding to his neck as
I hovered over him. “Right? This feels fucking great, it’s
freeing!” I exclaimed, tightening my hold on his neck as I
gently rubbed his Adam’s apple with my thumbs, enjoying
feeling his laugh in my palms. Moans started pouring from my
mouth as I leaned back while gliding my hands down his body
as I helped myself up and down, guttural sounds echoing in
the room. “Who cares if I kill the people I love, right?” I
laughed out loud, uncaring of the tears running down my
cheeks as I tilted my head back and let out a broken laugh
once more. “They’re not the ones there for me, you are!” I said
in amazement, finally looking back at him.
His eyes were wide as he slowly sat up, his hands holding me
in place while he smiled down at me proudly, “Damn, you’re
crazy, woman!” He chuckled, reaching for something on the
nightstand as he held me still, his cock fully sheathed inside
me. I spread my legs even more to feel him deep inside me
and had my mouth wide open, smiling, as I breathed in and out
loudly. The tears never stopped even through the smiles.
His hand pressed on my lower back, arching it slightly more
and eliciting a loud gasp from my person as he looked down at
me with a growing smile, “Got ya hooked already?” He asked,
tilting me back slightly with his fingers threaded through the
hair at the base of my neck. I felt something against my skin
and glanced down at my chest, lipstick in his hand as he wrote
down his name on my exposed skin. “My pretty little toy,” He
mocked, taking one of my nipples in his mouth as he sucked
on it with a big smile, “My beautiful doll.” He cooed, letting
go as he tugged my head back making me howl in pain and
pleasure. His mouth was then on my neck as he sunk his teeth
delicately, whispering, “See, I thought you’d break, not
shatter.” One slow thrust followed—I tried to hold back a
moan, he fully bit the junction of my neck and shoulders,
telling me to be fucking loud or he’d stop. I followed his order,
screaming; my hands flew to his head as I pushed him further
in.
He then turned us around, shoving me back in the mattress and
helped my legs to his shoulders, “But don’t worry,” He said
sweetly as he slowly, rhythmically started thrusting inside me
once again, his hands digging in my thighs, “A lost herd needs
a shepherd, didn’t I tell ya that already?” I vaguely
remembered, but with him now ramming inside me, I couldn’t
think. I still nodded, letting go of his hair to hold onto his
shoulders for dear life. He hummed inquisitively once more as
he kissed me roughly, relentlessly fucking me, out of breath.
He grabbed my hands and moved them from him, pinning
them above my head, only he intertwined his fingers with
mine, “Take my hand—after all, I promised to guide you,
didn’t I?” His nails dug in the back of my hand with force and
I nodded once more.
I couldn’t voice how much relief I felt from those simple
words but I arched my back to feel him more, trying to show
him I was more than fine. Ghosting his lips over mine, he
asked, “Don’t tell me you lost your voice again.” But I was not
staying silent out of fear, or because my brain wasn’t working,
I was just too drunk on this emotional and physical high.
His words still echoed in my mind.
His beautiful doll.
Why did it ring so nice? He had called me ‘doll’ so many
times I lost count, but this time it felt different.
“What is it?” He gritted through his teeth as he pulled my hair
again, letting go of my hands. He met my eyes and slowly
smiled, “Oh shit—you’re…” I felt him rest his forehead
against my shoulder as he paused his movements and started
laughing, just a little at first before laughing out loud, his head
tilted back. “I got you already fucked out?” He asked
rhetorically. I met his gaze, my heart soaring at how beautiful
he looked. He then grabbed my jaw forcefully and made me sit
up to look at him, my hands behind my back for support. “I’m
not nearly close to being done with ya, though. You cried so
much, but it wasn’t because of me, so I’m gonna have you beg
for me to stop.” His lips met mine, our teeth clashing at the
force. He pressed me once more into the mattress, I let out a
gasp of surprise and smiled. He smiled back, more sadistically.
When his hands wrapped around my throat, I held his wrists
for support.
“And you know what?” He asked, his thrusts resuming, moans
and groans of pleasure flooding from our mouths as he spoke,
“When you beg me to stop, I’ll go harder.” I felt the smile
widening on my face—I also saw Hanma’s faltering for a
second, so I pulled him towards me and kissed him hungrily
before whispering with a lack of air, “ Please stop .”
He looked at me in shock for a second, then matched my
energy. He leaned back and balanced himself on his knees
before fucking me hard, his hips slamming into my thighs over
and over again while his hands gripped my waist painfully,
“Greedy fucking bitch—I’ll make you beg for fucking real.”
That crazy laugh that escaped his mouth had me aching even
more, I just knew he was about to let loose and I couldn’t wait
to feel him at his rawest. It was nothing like before, because I
was not ashamed anymore. I was not trying to fight this
feeling inside me, I was not trying to act like I was good
anymore, I fully embraced how fucked up this was—how
fucked up he was.
How fucked up I had become.
“Weak ass moans you’re giving me there, I said scream .” He
lifted my hips and resumed ramming into me, his fingers
scratching my stomach painfully before suddenly leaning over
once again. When I reached for his face, whines of pleasure in
both our ears, he slapped my hands away, “Hands off.” He spat
then sank his teeth hard in one of my breasts, “Fuck—that shit
hurt!” I grabbed his hair angrily, pulling his head back and
meeting the playful gaze of the man I loved. There was a
gleam of insanity in those beautiful eyes of his. It warned me
that I shouldn’t have done that, so I tugged once more and
slowly smiled, “ Please Shuji, stop. ” I mocked.
I had never been so bold.
I had never felt this urge to fuck with him.
I wanted him to hurt me.
I wanted to feel pain.
Bruising me in the process, he forced my hand away from him
and placed it on my throat, “Be good and choke yourself, show
me how bad you got it for me, yeah?” He smirked, reaching
for something on the side.
Following his instructions, I tightened my grip on my throat
and let him place my free hand on my stomach, “Half a heart,
babe. Your fingers, half a heart—there we go!” He then
brought his free hand to complete the heart and I saw as he
raised his phone and took a full picture of me. He then brought
the phone to my face, “Look at you, choking yourself! If that’s
not devotion, I don’t know what is.” He was over the moon for
this short moment, he was elated. I tried to hold his hands but
he shook his head and tutted me, bringing my arm back over
my head as he continued filming, “Why’s my psychotic girl
tryna act cute? Show them how fucked up you are,” He paused
and brought his hand to my clit as he slowly resumed his
thrusting, “What would you do for me? Hm?”
I started lifting myself from the mattress every time his fingers
would brush my clit just the right away, a lazy smile drawing
itself on my lips, “Anything—ask and I’ll do it.” I uttered
through heavy pants. I was gripping the sheets now to stop
myself from reaching out for him and he smiled at that and
turned the camera towards himself, “She said ‘anything’, if
y’all couldn’t hear,” He turned the phone back to me, his
movements fastening and making me spasm under him as I
dug my head in the pillows, eyes closed while I tried to focus
on the pleasure, “So you would kill for me.” He asked in what
I believed was a humorous tone.
He was being playful.
He was being himself, testing me, as if I was still on trial after
all I had done for him.
But him asking that only lit something in me. Some sort of
daunting passion—a passion that shouldn’t have been this
strong, a passion that if pushed far enough would lead to
something dreadful. I could feel it deep inside me that the
question he’d just asked had found an answer in that
bottomless well of obsession I had for the man in front of me.
It scared me, but being scared wouldn’t help anyone, it would
only be a problem for me so I had to live up to it.
I tried to meet his gaze but instead looked at the camera dead-
center and grinned, “Yeah, anyone.”
The wicked laugh that I heard from him brought me to the
edge as I tensed only for him to stop everything and throw the
phone away, “I messed you up real good, huh?” He brushed
my hair back then held my face between his large hands and
with a painfully slow thrust started fucking me again, “And yet
you’re enjoying it so much …” He whispered against my lips.
I connected our mouths desperately and kissed him with
fervor, nodding into the kiss. Hanma kissed back sloppily on
purpose, breaking the kiss with his tongue between us, “You’d
take anything I’d give you.” One of his hands returned to my
clit and started rubbing it roughly, making me wince as I tilted
my head back, “Fuck yes—anything, please.”
And that made him chuckle.
“We got the begging! You’re close, all ya gotta do is cry now.”
I tried to bring him closer by kicking my heel against his back,
my legs still on his shoulders. He gave my thigh a violent slap
to stop me, “Watch it.” He threatened.
“I’m close, let me—I’m so fucking close, don’t–” I reached for
his hand when he moved it away from between my legs. I
desperately pressed it back where it was but he looked at me
with one raised brow, “That was embarrassing.” He smiled
sweetly before simply pressing his thumb on my clit as he
leaned over my form, his eyes roaming my body as mine did
his. What I would do to keep this very moment anchored in
my mind, this hungry look in his eyes, that arrogant smile,
those sinful hands full of filth, our bodies pressed against one
another, sweaty, dirty. “How does my girl feel knowing just
moments ago these fucking hands were covered in blood?” He
gritted through his teeth almost angrily as he kissed down my
chest, lipstick smearing all over his lips messily.
He didn’t care, neither did I.
I was too lost in the image he had projected in my head, of that
wicked smile of his, or perhaps was it boredom when he’d
take care of dead bodies? The blood on his hands—no, he was
smarter than that, he wore gloves, right? I was too curious to
keep imagining it, so I looked at him and softly went, “I want
you to describe to me what you did…”
It felt like a déjà vu, of when he had gotten rid of Rai’s
boyfriend. When I had been so sick I thought I needed to hear
more of how he did it.
“…I think if you describe it more… if I reach my worst now,
I’m not going to get sick later, right?” That was the logic, but
it was not irrefutable, the best play had been to turn off
everything.
Now I wanted to hear him in detail, not just for the sound of
his voice, but because there was this thrill in knowing he had
done all of this out in the open—in knowing he wouldn’t get
caught, and perhaps in hoping he had done it for me.
After all, had Rai really been a threat at Bonten’s level? Or
was she just a threat to his plan, to all he had planned for me,
for us?
“What is there to say? You did all the work!” He pressed a kiss
to my head, “A pretty bullet right there.” He then wrapped my
arms around his neck and helped me rest on his lap—I
instinctively started fucking myself on him. He smiled at that,
grunting. “Carried the bitch to this worksite a few blocks away
while you were having your little shower moment—then I
tossed her in cement that was still drying.” His hands slowly
slid to my ass as he helped me spread my legs even more. I
rested my head against his cheek when I felt him hit deep,
“The rest is for the my little guys to take care of, I ain’t no
construction worker, they–”
I interrupted him by kissing him, “That’s fucking boring, I
think you turned me off.” I taunted.
He burst out laughing and let himself fall back on the bed,
letting me ride him how I wanted with his hands holding
tightly onto my ass, “Fuck, you have attitude—not bloody
enough for you? Is that why you’re bored?” He asked jokingly.
Yet, I nodded.
“Tell me if you had to get rid of me, how would you do it?” I
breathed against his lips.
He shook his head and thrusted into me with a huge smile,
“I’m not doing that shit. My sleep deprived doll’s a bit more
fucked up than usual, huh?” He cooed.
I quickly held onto his hips as I resumed fucking myself in
sync with his movements, “Please, I wanna know.” Hanma cut
me off by pulling out of me suddenly and forcing me to lay
back on the bed, him once more on top. His hand returned to
my neck as he hovered over me and watched me like a hawk,
“You wanna hear that I’d take my slow time?” His free hand
moved between my legs, his fingers grazing my abused clit
making me let out a choked gasp as I met his gaze with
pleading eyes. My lower stomach was starting to hurt not just
from his thrusts but from the constant denial of my orgasm,
my whole lower half felt like it was burning but it also felt so
fucking good.
“That it’d be personal?” He asked again.
I wanted it to be personal, I wanted it to look like nothing he
had ever done. I wanted it to be a surprise to both of us, I
wanted him to cry while doing it.
His fingers were replaced by his cock as he slowly pressed it
against my clit, “That I’d have a hard time doing it?” Yes, I
wanted him to struggle. To be conflicted, to show me it was
hard to get rid of me, that I was his—that he loved me.
His hips started moving. I smiled through the pain, enjoying
the friction more than necessary.
“It’d be a shame.” I uttered, my face losing all circulation from
how tight his hand was wrapped around my throat. He smiled
at that, suddenly shoving his cock inside me, making me
scream at the pain. He moved his hand from my neck to my
face, brushing the tears away, “Cause I worked hard on my pet
project, I invested so much .” He continued. The pounding
inside me was never stopping, so much so it started to hurt,
every time I would be close it was as if he knew it and
purposely slowed down his pace, making me whine in
disappointment. “Is it too much?” While the question seemed
kind, it dripped with sarcasm.
Breathlessly, I shook my head—agressive thrusts resumed,
making me howl as my arms flew to his head, “Fuck!” I
whimpered, I fucking whimpered , immediately covering my
mouth to not give him the satisfaction of hearing such sounds
from me.
A mocking sound escaped his lips, “Aw, what is it, baby? Was
that too much?” He asked, thrusting each time he’d speak,
making my whole body shake as I tried to angle myself for
more pleasure. I didn’t reply. “We could make it worse though,
right?”
He looked down at me and spat on my sex before rapidly
stroking my clit, the guttural cry that ripped from my throat
made him laugh out of breath but he never stopped, “I can
finish and leave you hanging.” He threatened, each of his
thrusts more erratic than the other. My head tilted back, I
couldn’t focus on his words but I knew I didn’t want him to
stop. I was too close, it hurt so good I had to let go. I needed to
find relief, I couldn’t take another missed orgasm. I tried to
reach over to finish it myself but he slapped my hand away
once more, scoffing, “Or you can start begging for me to let
you cum.”
I was picturing his face in the alley that night on Halloween—
the blood on his face and fists, the insanity in his eyes, the way
he’d called me cute, how desperate he would’ve acted that
night if it hadn’t been for the cops coming. The way he killed
the doorman so effortlessly with his bare hands on the casino
night, those same hands that held me down, that pleasured me,
that could kill me right here and now but he wouldn’t.
I trusted him.
I believed he was as obsessed with me as I was with him, that
this obsession would keep us together—but I also knew he
could hurt me the way I liked, roughen me up just how we
both wanted because I was his doll. He could do whatever he
wanted with me—to me.
And if I had to beg for him to let me have my fun, I would do
so with a smile. I would give him my all just to please him.
“Shuji please—please I’m so close, fuck! Shu–” I cried out,
overstimulated, hungry for him, desperate for this tension in
my body to snap and leave me. I need him, I need him, I—
A chuckle. A simple chuckle through the hard breathing, the
moans and the desperation. That was all he gave me before
mocking, “That’s needy but not passionate enough, try again.”
He laughed manically as he rammed inside me over and over,
all I could do was cry in ache, in want, in utter frenzy. He
couldn’t hear how much I loved him. If he did, he’d be scared.
But the words wanted to flood out of my mouth, to tell him
that I needed him so much I didn’t think I could live without
him—may it be out of fear of being alone in Bonten or
because he was the only one who would take me for who I had
become.
And who I had become was him.
A replica of the man I loved.
Made for him, by him.
My face was heating up in embarrassement as I moaned, tears
running down my cheeks, “Shu—please, I—I need this, I need
your cock, fuck—I’m so fucking close, please!” I started
muttering ‘please’ under my breath like a mantra, his
movements rapid, his hands slipping on my skin from how
warm we both were, how sweaty we had become. Our knees
ached, my legs ached, I was clawed all over and he added to it
as he dug his nails in my thighs when he rammed inside me
once last time, filling me up as I spasmed under him, his eyes
meeting mine in boredom as he rubbed mercilessly, “There we
fucking go! You’re clenching that pretty pussy so much I
might go for a round two!” Everything was too much, I cried
out in pleasure before falling limp on the bed, fucked out.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I was tired.
Hanma lazily patted my cheek, “Don’t pass out just yet, babe.”
Gently, I took his hand in mine and pressed a kiss on it before
resting our intertwined hands on my stomach, “I’m so tired, let
me sleep, Shu…” I drawled, turning around on my side to look
at him as I placed his hand on my hip.
“Don’t think I didn’t catch you acting all Mikey and shit.” He
said off-handedly, his hand warmer than his words as he let it
slide off me a second. He then lay down next to me and helped
one of my legs between his, the other above them. The action
was soft, something I hadn’t expected—I thought he would go
to sleep and let me be. But when he placed a bent arm under
my head, his head resting in the palm of his hand, my heart
soared. It was like something was lodged in my throat, I
couldn’t look at him in fear of crying from the foreign
tenderness he was displaying. “Next time you ask me to
picture your death, I’ll beat your ass to a fucking pulp,
understood?”
My eyes widened. I stared at his chest in awe and nodded
silently, he huffed a laugh, “And all that self harming shit? I’ll
fuck you hard if that’s what ya need, but you ain’t doing
nothing else.” He added… caringly?
“I don’t plan on it… I’m good.” I whispered, hesitantly
wrapping an arm around his waist to bring him closer. We had
never been this close, I feared crossing some boundaries but he
rapidly reassured me when he pressed a kiss to the top of my
head, “That’s my girl. I built you invincible—you’ll put to
shame that depressed fucker.” He joked, referencing Mikey’s
title.
Chuckling, I started caressing his back absent-mindedly, “I am
not nearly as strong as any of them, but I promised I’ll get
there.” I couldn’t lose in their world. I was already fighting for
a place in it, I couldn’t allow myself to be weaker than them—
I had to thrive for greatness, or perhaps fear. Whichever would
make them respect me better.
“I can’t really fuck up now, can I?” I asked rhetorically.
Hanma hummed inquisitively, “Are you trying to get to the
top?”
“I want to not be a burden to your reputation. I want to be a
shine to it, I want to be useful to you… to Bonten.” Bonten
was all I had now, I had to give it my all. All the people I
cared about were in it, I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t disappoint, I
couldn’t do anything. I was stuck— I am surrounded by all the
people I love, it’s all I could ask for , I forced myself to think
differently.
He scoffed, “Yeah well, don’t worry your pretty head over
stupid mistakes I can fix.” That dismissive tone of his hid the
affection he had—or so I managed to make myself believe. It
made my heart beat faster in my chest, keeping me fully
awake.
Smiling to myself, I closed my eyes and enjoyed his warmth,
“That’s reassuring, but I should be careful.” I mumbled.
“Nah, mistakes are fun, you’re stressing over dumb shit.” Of
course he would be like that.
“I’m not allowed–”
“Nothing’s set in stone. Everything can change, so get that in
your head and stop fucking overthinking, it’s stressing me
out.”
With that, he threw the covers back on our forms and told me
to stop talking, adding that I had exhausted him with my shit.
In the quiet of the night, even after all that had happened, all I
had done, all he had done to me, I still held him tighter,
whispering in the back of my head… “I love you.”
Chapter End Notes

:) Thoughts? You all got it! Are you happy? Was this
exactly how you wanted it ? All in all, I think it was
very interesting to write this chapter, I hope you all share
my opinion and have a LOT TO SAY because I SURE
DO!
Next chapter will be the last and I can’t believe it. It’s
been half a year already, and I made so many friends and
you are all so sweet and ahhh, I couldn’t ask for better
people to read my shit! Sure it was a bit of a fucked up
story, but it was a fun ride, right? Plus, nothing’s stopping
me from giving them some one-shots, like the Ran x
Reader x Hanma, right?…. ahh… A wild ride indeed, I
must say I’ll miss writing for Hanma he is so much fun.
I’m not disappearing though, I have so many ideas for
upcoming works. Do follow me on Twitter since I ain’t
gonna be a ghost @PhysicalTurian
xoxo, gossip slay
Words : 9 880
Added on 11th June 2022 (Midnight I guess it’s 12th for
me but yey)
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