The Romantifusion:

Scene One

Curtain opens, lights turn on.

The play starts off with Captain ranting about how bad his business has
been going, how the stock exchange has dropped, etc. It is nighttime and
he is pacing about in his blue and white striped pajamas. He is barefooted.
His man-servant, Zanni is following his every movement.

Captain: Business, business, bloody, bloody business! (To Harlequin,

rhetorically). Do you know what it takes to run a business, Harlequin? It
takes style, wit, genuine leadership, and I provide them! But what do I get
in return? A lousy stock exchange, nitwitted workers who are consistently
asking for bigger wages, and NO INVESTORS! I mean, who wouldn't want
to invest in foot deodorant? (He takes a little bottle out of his pocket and
sprays the bottom of his foot). Only those with smelly feet is who.
They're all smelly feet, the whole lot of them!

Zanni (in all his stupidity): Maybe you should talk to Pantaloon? (Bursts
out laughing at the name). I've heard that he has wit, he has style and he
has genuine leadership! (Captain's anger is clearly steadily building, he
is tensing up at Zanni). He would be your equal! (Captain's anger
finally bursts).

Captain: HE IS NOT MY EQUAL, YOU NUMBCRACKER! HE IS A

DIMWIT! HE FIRED ME!

While he is saying this, he is aiming punches at Harlequin, who is

dodging every single one of them.
Captain: And you know what else he is? A smelly foot!

Finally, he punches Zanni on the shoulder. Upon contact, Zanni collapses

to the ground, screeching and performing in overdramatic hysterics.
Captain storms out to the right.

Zanni: Ow! No, no, no, no, no, my poor shoulder, it shall never be the
same again! He hit me! He hit me! HE HI- (Harlequin, the head-man,
comes running on stage from the right with a poker and knocks him
out cold).

Lights fade to black.

Scene Two:

Lights on.

Pantaloon is sitting at a desk, which is right in the middle of the stage,

writing.

Pantaloon (calling to Arlechino, who is offstage): Arlechino?

Arlechino?! Dammit! Where is that wretched man? ARLECHINO!

Arlechino comes running on stage from the left.

Arlechino (with an army-like salute): Sir, yes sir!

Pantaloon (waspishly): No need for all that pretense (puts emphasis on

this word) at bravado, I know the nitwitted coward that you really are. Give
Dotorre this letter. (Gives Arlechino the letter).

Arlechino exits left.

Pantaloon (shouting after him): And don't you dare read it, young man,
that's top-secret business stuff, that is!
Lights fade to black.

Scene Three:

Lights on.

Pantaloon's desk is still standing in the middle of the stage, but now it has
a green table cloth, with yellow flowers spotted all over it, covering it,
indicating that it is now serving as Columbine's desk. Columbine is sitting
there and seems to be writing something on a piece of paper, with a blue
pen. Arlechino comes running past from the left. He is very determined to
deliver Pantaloon's letter, which is obviously very important to him. He runs
straight past Columbine's desk, almost to the other end of the stage, before
noticing her, skidding to a halt, turning around and running right back to
her. He stands right beside her, on her left, staring at her very intently.

Columbine (finally impatiently slamming down her pen): What is it this

time?! Has my father git another potential male for me? Because if he has,
you can tell him to get lost. (Almost hinting to him). I know what I look for
in my men, and his ideas don't exactly match.

Arlechino (grinning stupidly, and getting confused with Pantaloon's

letter that he is delivering): I have private business.

Columbine (not cottoning on): Don't we all.

Arlechino's grin evaporates, and he leaves, fed up, accidentally leaving his
letter on Columbine's desk. Columbine picks it up and examines it
curiously.

Lights fade to black.

Scene Four:

Lights on.
Pantaloon and Columbine have finished work and are sitting at their small
dinner table, which is situated to the right of the stage.

Pantaloon (to Columbine): So, dear, met any nice men, yet?

Columbine (a bit exasperated): No, daddy, how could I? All I do is work,

work, and work. And most of the men there are such twats, you know?

Pantaloon (prodding her): Most of them?

Columbine: All of them.

Pantaloon (hopefully): Arlechino seems quite interested.

Columbine (blushing): Well, yes... but he's been acting slightly weird
lately. He comes into my office and says "I have private business," and
leaves a letter on my desk!

Pantaloon (suddenly angry): Why that prune! That scoundrel! That nitwit!
That letter was for Dottore. What he will think of me now, I shudder to think.
Arlechino should be fired, the rascal! (Rubbing his hands evilly). Yes, and
he can go and rot in a bus stop for all I care! Rot until his bones-

Columbine (horrified): What? No, father! I will give the letter to Dottore
tomorrow, I promise, just, please don't fire him.

Pantaloon opens his mouth to disagree.

Columbine (interrupting him): I'll give it to him now! She runs out to the
right, offstage.

Pantaloon looks after her, confused, then shrugs his shoulders and carries
on eating.

Lights fade to black.

 Scene Five:

Lights on.

Captain is sitting at his desk, writing a letter. He is reading his letter out
loud as he writes. Zanni is watching inquisitively over his left shoulder.

Captain: Dear Pantaloon. (Draws out the name). I have now decided that
now is the time for you to reconcile about whatever reasons you had for
firing such a splendid colleague. I have come to the intelligent conclusion
that it would be wise for you to buy my product as it is very valuable. I
suggest that we discuss matters further at my house as it is lovely and big
and my table shall fit all of you. (Stops and looks at Zanni, who gasps
and runs offstage to the right). I may even have a servant who can be
added to the bargain. Yours, not so sincerely, Captain. Lights fade to black.

Scene Six:

Lights on.

Pantaloon: Arlechino! Arlechino! Where is that wretched man?

ARLECHINO!

Arlechino comes walking timidly on stage on stage from the left.

Arlechino (shyly): M-me?

Pantaloon (irritably): Yes, you! I want you to give this letter to Dottore and
tell him that he and I are invited to Captain's house for dinner. (Snidely)
And, make sure you actually deliver it this time!

Arlechino runs out to the left. Lights fade to black.

Scene Seven:
Lights on.

Columbine is sitting at her desk, in the middle of the stage, writing

something. Arlechino comes sprinting onto the stage from the left but
comes to a skidding halt in front of Columbin's desk, and backtracks more
to the left so that he is not as much in front of her as he was.

Columbine (looking up at him, slightly exasperated): Yes, Arlechino?

Arlechino: I have something very important to ask you.

Columbine (mockingly, and slightly flirtatiously too): And it's not about
private business? (Looks down sat his crotch area fur a second).

Arlechino (blushes, but speaks quickly): D' you wanna go on a date with
me?

Columbine (astonished): Sorry, what?

Arlechino (slowly): Do you wanna go to a place with me? (Puts

emphasis on the word 'place').

Columbine (confused): A place? Where?

Arlechino (answering promptly, but getting muddles up again):

Captain's house.

Columbine (confused): Why- (sees the letter in his hand)- you're

supposed to be delivering a letter!

Arlechino looks at the letter, gasps, and runs back out yo the left.

Lights fade to black.

Scene Eight:
Lights on.

Arlechino is sitting alone at a small, rickety restaurant table at the far left-
hand side of the stage. There are two glasses in from of him. He sits for a
bit longer, then gets fed up, pushes his chair back as he stands up, and
takes his phone out of the side pocket in his trousers to phone Columbine.
There is a spotlight shining on him. Columbine is standing frozen in the
middle of the stage. Dottore is standing frozen on the far right-hand side of
the stage. Columbine and Dottore are standing in the dark for now, but as
Arlechino calls Columbine, a spotlight shines on her too.

Arlechino (trying to be patient): Hi, where are you?

Columbine (confused): I'm at home, why?

Arlechino (frustrated): You're not supposed to be at home, you're

supposed to be here, with me, like I told you!

Columbine (surprised): Arlechino, what-?

Arlechino (interrupts her): I even ordered your favourite drink, Cee! How
much does it take t-

The call disconnects.

Arlechino is frustrated for a few seconds before Dottore calls him.

Dottore (angry): Boy get your ass back home, you know we have guests
coming!

Arlechino despondently clicks his phone off and stuffs it back into
his pocket.