TRANSACTION ANALYSIS

(PART 2)

It is concerned with analyzing and classifying the elements of communication between individuals and
also their relationships. A transaction consists of a stimulus by one person and a response by another
where the response in turn, becomes a new stimulus for the other person to respond to. The purpose of
the analysis is to discover which part of each person – Parent, Adult, or Child – is originating each
stimulus and response.
Using a diagram like this:

to represent each person, we can visualize the transaction by drawing lines to represent the talking taking
place.

I. Complementary Transactions:
A complementary transaction occurs when a message, sent from a specific ego state, gets the predicted
response from a specific ego state in the other person. Berne describes a complementary transaction as
one which is “appropriate and expected and follows the natural order of healthy human relationships”.
When stimulus and response on the P-A-C transactional diagram make parallel lines, the transaction is
complementary and can go on indefinitely.

In the example below, the first person says, “Where do I find the manager’s office?” He is using his
Adult frame of mind to seek information. The second person supplies the information by replying “It’s
the third door on the left.” This reply comes from his Adult. The lines on the diagram are parallel and
give a complementary transaction.

1st Person: 2nd Person:

“Where do I “The third door
P P
find the manager’s on the left”
office?”
A A

C C

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Here’s another example:

Customer: Waitress:
“Its disgraceful, “Oh, I’m sorry.
I’ve been waiting I’ll attend to you
10 minutes to get right away.”
P P
served.”

A A

C C

II. Crossed transactions:

A crossed transaction occurs when an unexpected response is made to the stimulus. An inappropriate
ego state is activated, and the lines of transaction between the people are crossed. At this point people
tend to withdraw, turn away from each other, or switch the conversation in another direction. Such
transactions are a frequent source of pain to people. The person who initiates a transaction, expecting a
certain response, does not get it. The individual is crossed up and often feels discounted and
misunderstood.

“Where do I find “How should I know?

the Manager’s office?” I’m only a clerk here.”

P P

A A

C C

These sorts of responses only hinder effective communication and one or other of the people involved
will need to switch to a different frame of mind if the conversation is to have a successful outcome.

III. Hidden transactions:

A hidden transaction is one where the words do not carry the true meaning of the message. Whenever
a transaction has a double meaning, it is the hidden message that is generally acted upon. Teasing,
cynicism and sarcasm are various forms of hidden transactions.

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 ‘Do you know what “ Yes its half past ten”
time it is?” ( Well I don’t really
(You are very late) P P care)

A A

C C

The diagram of a hidden transaction has two sets of lines; solid ones to illustrate the words, and dotted
ones to show the unspoken and hidden message.

STROKES

Berne defined a stroke as the “fundamental unit of social action.” A stroke is a unit of recognition, when
one person recognizes another person either verbally or non-verbally. Berne introduced the idea of strokes
into Transactional Analysis based upon the work of Rene Spitz, a researcher who did pioneering work in
the area of child development. Spitz observed that infants deprived of handling – in other words, not
receiving any strokes – were more prone to emotional and physical difficulties. These infants lacked the
cuddling, touching, and handling that most other infants received.

Berne took Spitz’s observations of these infants and developed theories about the needs of adults for strokes.
Berne postulated that adults need physical contact just like infants, but have learned to substitute other types
of recognition instead of physical stimulation. So while an infant needs cuddling, an adult craves a smile, a
wink, a hand gesture, or other form of recognition. Berne defined the term recognition-hunger as this
requirement of adults to receive strokes.

Some Common Stroking Patterns

There are 2 major categories of psychological strokes - positive and negative. In its simplest form a positive
stroke is a warm smile, affectionate tone of voice or friendly gesture .It is a clear obvious sign of warm
acceptance. A negative stroke is a kick or a similar negative recognition. The former result in good feelings
and the latter in bad feelings. Berne also reasoned that any stroke, be it positive or negative, is better than
no strokes at all. Or, as summarized in TA Today, “any stroke is better than no stroke at all.” For example,
if you are walking in front of your house and you see your neighbor, you will likely smile and say “Hi.”
Your neighbor will likely say “hello” back. This is an example of a positive stroke. Your neighbor could
also frown at you and say nothing. This is an example of a negative stroke. But either case is better than no
stroke at all, if your neighbor ignored you completely.

1. Performance Oriented Strokes

Parents who withhold stokes until a child performs a certain act, produces a certain result (a good result) or
achieves a particular desired goal may be spoken of as performance oriented. Their relationship with their
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children is judgemental. They establish rules for their kids to live by and proceed to extend or withhold
strokes in accordance with their own personal judgements regarding how well the rules are being complied
with and how well the child performs. Such a child has an internal Parent filled with tapes on how to get
strokes forever. In future he will feel guilty when he fails to discipline himself. He will be ruled by his
parent which he will often believe to be his Adult.

2. Accommodation Oriented Strokes

In this case parents are convinced that unconditional strokes cannot be given to a child. They feel there
ought to be rules for a child to follow so that he may earn his strokes. The problem lies in the fact that the
parents themselves are not sure what these rules should ideally be. The net result is that while they are very
successful at withholding strokes they are not able to give their kids very much. Hence the child’s search
for instinctive security never really ceases. The only perception this child has is that he obtains a favourable
reaction from his parents when he strokes them. He becomes an accommodating child, forever doing his
utmost to please others and comply to the wishes of the people around him.

3. Conformity Oriented Stokes

This third common type of stroke is witnessed when a child’s parents are absolutely certain that the rules
they have set are correct and they are not fanatical about enforcing them. They know how to give positive
strokes and are careful not to withhold them. The child of such parents grows up with an inherent feeling of
being loved and has a secure existence. However he has guidelines to live by, with a strong emphasis on
what not to do. He is provided with the ultimate in traditional parent data. It carries him comfortably through
life but he will probably never think for himself.

Importance of Strokes in the Business World

The quality and quantity of strokes is related to the size of an organization. When companies are relatively
small, strokes come easily. Employees are able to talk over their problems with the executives and can get
more or less direct feedback. However, as the organizations get larger, strokes become fewer and more
remote, they lack genuine quality and are less spontaneous. A ‘few stroke’ organization is precariously
placed. Not only the motivation level is low and learning is hard to bring about, the employees may also
tend to perform poorly so that crisis develops and chances of receiving strokes increase. The solution lies
in setting up a system whereby employees are able to get a lot of positive strokes when things are going
well.

The following guidelines should be followed to facilitate effective stroking:

✓ Stroke the desired behaviour immediately after it occurs.
✓ Stroke approximations
✓ Raise the criteria for stroking
✓ At first stroke consistently, then intermittently
✓ Avoid stroking undesirable behaviour
✓ Earshotting

• Timing of Strokes
To be most effective in motivating a person, a stroke should come as soon as possible after the desirable
performance. The stroke loses its effectiveness with time. If immediacy is not possible, it certainly doesn’t
hurt to say a person,” I never got around to telling you this when it happened but I want you to know that…:”

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• Stroke Approximations
It is concerned with stroking positively the approximations of the final desired behaviour. It is not possible
for a person to bring about a drastic change in himself in short span of time. Moreover many people have a
fear of failure, a “be perfect” parent tape that plays in their heads even when they are just starting to learn a
new skill. By stroking them for approximations, they become more at ease and more motivated to continue
on the desired path.

• Raise the criteria for Stroking

It’s not enough just to stroke approximations. The criteria of stroking should be gradually raised in order to
encourage higher level of performance. The time in which the perfect performance is desired is essentially
the main factor that governs this process.

• Phase out Strokes

When people are learning something new, they need a lot of reassurance, and thus it is necessary that they
are stroked each time they perform well.
Once people are on their way and are getting more strokes for the activities they are performing well, they
begin to need fewer strokes. When this happens, consistent stroking should be gradually phased out and
they should be offered strokes intermittently as follow up or reminders.
During the process of phasing out the strokes, two considerations should be made:
1. Strokes should be given sincerely and honestly
2. Abrupt halt in offering strokes should always be avoided.

• Avoid Stroking Undesirable Behaviour

The general tendency is to avoid stroking positive behaviour and to stroke negative behaviour. As the
general nature is to prefer negative strokes to no strokes, this can encourage people to behave in undesired
manner. Even when stroking approximations, care should be taken not to mention the ‘progress’ that
remains to be made.

• Earshotting
Earshotting is a useful technique for stroking performance. This can be called third hand stroking as during
Earshotting, we don’t directly talk to the person we need to stroke; instead we talk to a third party when the
person is within earshot. Earshotting strokes are generally negative in nature but they can be very effective
when used positively.

ORGANIZATIONAL STROKING PATTERN

Business organizations tend to have stroking patterns and at times may be ignorant of it. Strokes in an
organization can be of many forms - bonuses, challenging duties and other strokes for personal worth.
Money, which is essentially a maintenance stroke when accompanied by stroking in recognition of unique
potential of an individual can motivate employees to be responsible and productive. Some supervisors and
supervisees seem to want, ask for and/or give only negative strokes. If one’s Child needs for stroking are
met by negative strokes one will not feel the need for positive strokes as strongly. Some supervisors stroke
only for performance and give no unconditional strokes. People usually resent this because it appears that
they have to “do something” to get acceptance. Some supervisors and supervisees won’t accept positive
strokes. If such people are presented with positive strokes they will discount them either overtly or in their
head. Many stroking problems will be solved by changes in the supervisors stroking patterns. Some will not
because they are so deeply ingrained in the script of the supervisee. Some strokes are valued more highly

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than others are by certain people. For example, one supervisee may/may not accept a stroke about her
appearance but may value highly a stroke for her intelligence. Another may not assimilate verbal strokes
well but may be deeply affected by a friendly touch on the shoulder. The capable and caring supervisor
remembers the importance of different strokes for different folks and looks for opportunities to give
supervisees the kinds of positive strokes they prefer. In summary, an effective supervisor does not give
negative unconditional strokes.

LIFE SCRIPTS

DESCRIPTION
We create stories about our lives, what they have been and what they will be. This starts in childhood
where we weave our perceptions of our selves and of the world around us into a narrative about what we
can and will do. These life scripts then continue to have a deep and unconscious effect on how we live our
lives. They affect the decision we make. They control what we think we could easily do and could never
do. They shape our self-image. And yet we seldom realize where they come from or even do not know that
they exist at all. Our life scripts are often encouraged and shaped by parents and other family members,
whose life scripts were shaped by their parents and so on. In this way, we become a product of our family's
history. Likewise, our scripts are also woven by cultural and national forces.

Life scripts are not all the same as they may also be significantly affected by individual events, such as
being criticized by a teacher or bullied by other children. They also are constrained by inherited
characteristics. For example, it would be unusual (but not impossible) for a shorter person to include being
a basketball player in their life script. There are often overall shapes to life scripts that can be expressed
very simply, for example 'I am a loser' or 'I must help save the world'. Life scripts can be very detailed and
they can be very vague. They can be very empowering, yet they can also severely limit our lives.

Example:
A child brought up in poverty sees celebrities on television and hears her grandmother telling
her that she can be like that, and how there are people on the TV screen who started with nothing,
just like her. She consequently creates fantasies and plays games of being a celebrity. Other
children join in, but with her it runs much deeper. She works hard and always volunteers, even
after forgetting much of her conversations with her grandmother. She ends up working in
television, not as a celebrity but behind the scenes. Whilst she feels good being close to the stars,
there is a strange sadness about her when she returns to her small apartment at night. She still
works hard and the deep belief that celebrity success will find her drives her on.

DISCUSSION
As humans, we create stories to help make sense of the world. Stories run through time like our lives. We
put ourselves in the place of the protagonist or other players, feeling what it may be like. And the greatest
story for each of us is the story of our lives. We constantly re-tell ourselves about what has happened to
us, replaying the internal video and attributing good and bad roles to the various players in our lives. We
also project into the future, wondering what might be. And underneath all this, often unrealized, is the great
story arc that we made up long ago. These life scripts shape our thoughts and actions and the stories we
tell ourselves. If my life script does not contain being a doctor then I will never wonder about such a career
or wish I could be one. If I have though of myself as inferior then my life script will position me as such.

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Life scripts are defined within the field of Transactional Analysis and as such are often viewed within the
frame of the parent-adult-child model. Script messages are seen as coming from:

• Modelling: Visible ways adults and peers behave.

• Attributions: Being told 'you're just like...'
• Suggestions: Hints and encouragement such as 'Always do your best'.
• Injunctions: Demands to do or not do things.

Typical injunctions include:

• Don't
• Don't be
• Don't be close
• Don't be separate from me
• Don't be you
• Don't be the sex you are
• Don't be a child
• Don't grow up
• Don't succeed
• Don't be important
• Don't want
• Don't need
• Don't think
• Don't feel
• Don't trust
• Don't be sane
• Don't be well
• Don't belong

These constrain and create limits on the child's life. The parents can also give counter-injunction
permissions that allow and may replace the 'don'ts' with 'dos'. Either way, these lead to the child making
script decisions. Life scripts are sometimes called childhood scripts.

SO WHAT?
The greatest power of understanding life scripts is in the ability this gives you to change them. Take action
to discover your life script (or help others to do so). Listen to yourself. What are the stories you are telling
yourself about your life. When do you say 'that's not me' or 'I couldn't do that'? What are the patterns you
seek and avoid? What excuses do you make for not doing things? And then consider how these could
change. Rewriting your life script will change your life for the better. Yes it is scary. Yes it is exciting. So
what is stopping you? Your current life script.

Further Reading:
• Claude Steiner. (1990). Scripts People Live: Transactional Analysis of Life Scripts. New York: Grove
Press
• Goulding, M. (1987). Changing Lives Through Redecision Therapy, Grove Press
• Goulding, R. and Goulding, M. (1976). Injunctions, decisions and redecisions. Transactional Analysis
Journal, 6, 1, 41-48.
• Life Scripts (changingminds.org)

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 LIFE POSITIONS

According to Penfield, the brain performs three functions: (1) recording, (2) recalling, and (3) reliving.
Although recall from the earliest period of life is not possible, we have evidence that we can and do
relive the earliest experiences in the form of returning to the feeling state of the newborn infant. His
sensations and fantasies though ineffable because of his wordlessness at the time they were recorded,
do replay occasionally in dreams in later life. This supports the assumption that our earliest experiences,
though ineffable, are recorded and do replay in the present. We can thus, understand the extreme panic,
or rage, or fear we feel in certain situations today as a reliving of the original state of panic, or rage, or
fear that we felt as infants.

To understand the implications, it is important to examine the situation of the infant. During the 9 months
between conception and birth, there occurs a beginning of life in the most perfect environment the
individual may ever experience. Then at biological birth, the little individual, within the brief span of a
few hours, is pushed into a state of catastrophic contrast in which he is exposed to foreign and doubtless
terrifying extremes of cold, roughness, pressure, noise, nonsupport, brightness, separateness, and
abandonment. The infant is, for a short time, cut-off, apart, separate, unrelated. The feelings produced
by this event are recorded and reside in some form in the brain. This assumption is supported by the
great number of repetitious dreams of the ‘drainage pipe’ variety which so many individuals experience
following situations of extreme stress. But within moments, the infant is introduced to a rescuer, another
human being who picks him up, wraps him in warm coverings, supports him, and begins the comforting
act of ‘stroking’. This is the point of Psychological Birth.

During the first two years of life, the child does not have conceptual ‘thinking’ tools – words – to
construct an explanation of his uncertain status in his world. He is, however, continually recording the
feelings which grow from the relationship between himself and others, primarily mother, and these
feelings are directly related to stroking and non-stroking. Whoever provides stroking is OK. The
uncertainty experienced by the child convinces him I’M NOT OK.

Child development specialists have emphasized the role played by early life experiences in the formation
of the personality. Such experiences give rise to a range of habitual feelings and beliefs that remain
consistent and stable over time. However, social and psychobiological research now appears to suggest
that the roots of personality can be traced back to life in utero. If this is so, then prenatal experiences
may influence basic beliefs about self and, therefore, the foundations of personality. This has
implications for transactional analysis. 6

Transactional Analysis constructs the following classification of the four possible life positions held
with respect to oneself and others:

1. I’M NOT OK – YOU’RE OK

2. I’M NOT OK – YOU’RE NOT OK
3. I’M OK – YOU’RE NOT OK
4. I’M OK – YOU’RE OK

I’m Not OK – You’re OK

This is the universal position of early childhood, being the infant’s logical conclusion from the situation
of birth and infancy. There is OK-ness in this position, because stroking is present. Every child is stroked
in the first year of life simply by the fact that he has to be picked up to be cared for. Without at least
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minimal handling the infant would not survive. There is also NOT-OK-ness. That is the conclusion
about himself. I believe the evidence points to the overwhelming accumulation of NOT OK feelings in
the child, making logical (on the basis of the evidence he has) his NOT OK conclusion about himself.
Adler’s break with Freud was over this point: sex was not at the basis of man’s struggle in life, but rather
feelings of inferiority, or NOT OK, which were apparent universally.

In the first position the person feels at the mercy of others. He feels a great need for stroking, or
recognition, which is the psychological version of the early physical stroking. In this position there is
hope because there is a source of stroking – YOU’RE OK – even if the stroking is not constant. The
Adult has something to work on: what must I do to gain their strokes, or their approval? There are two
ways in which people may attempt to live out this position. The first is to live out a life script that
confirms the NOT OK. It may call for a life of withdrawal and a person may seek stroking through make
believe and engage in an elaborate wish-life of ‘if I’ and ‘when I’. Another person’s script may call for
behaviour that is provoking, to the point where others turn on him (negative stroking), thus proving once
again, I’M NOT OK.

A more common way to live out this position is by a counter-script with borrowed lines from the Parent:
YOU CAN BE OK, IF... Such a person seeks friends and associates who have a big Parent because he
needs big strokes, and the bigger the Parent, the better the strokes.

I’m Not OK – You’re Not OK

Life, which in the first year had some comforts, now has none. The stroking has disappeared. If this state
of abandonment and difficulty continues without relief through the second year of life, the child
continues without relief through the second year of life, the child concludes I’M NOT OK- YOU’RE
NOT OK. In this position the Adult stops developing since one of its primary functions – getting strokes
– is thwarted in that there is no source of stroking. A person in this position gives up. There is no hope.
He simply gets through life and ultimately may end up in a mental institution in a state of extreme
withdrawal. He may show regressive behaviour which reflects a vague, archaic longing to get back to
life as it was in the first year during which he received the only stroking he ever knew – as an infant
who was held and fed.

It is hard to imagine anyone going through life without any stroking. However, once a position is
decided, all experience is selectively interpreted to support it. If a person concludes YOU’RE NOT OK,
it applies to all other people, and he rejects their stroking, genuine though it may be. He originally found
some measure of integrity or sense in his early conclusion; therefore new experiences do not readily
break down. This is the deterministic nature of positions. Also, the individual in this position stops using
his Adult with regard to his relationships with others.

I’m OK- You’re Not OK

A child who is brutalized long enough by the parents he initially felt were OK will switch positions to
the third, or criminal position: I’M OK - YOU’RE NOT OK. This position is decided in the second or
third year of life. Self-stroking does occur during this time that a little person is healing from major,
painful injuries such as are inflicted on a youngster who has come to be known as ‘the battered child’.
The early history of many criminal psychopaths, who occupy this position, reveal this kind of gross
physical abuse. Hatred sustains the individual although he may learn to conceal it with a mask of

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measured politeness. The tragedy, for him and for society, is that he goes through life refusing to look
inward. It is always ‘their fault’. It’s ‘all them’.

The person in this position suffers from stroking deprivation. A stroke is only as good as the stroker.
And there are no OK people. Therefore there are no OK strokes. Such a person may develop a retinue
of ‘yes men’ who praise and stroke him heavily. Yet he knows they are not authentic strokes because he
has had to set them up himself, in the same way he had to produce his own stroking in the first place.

I’m OK – You’re OK

There is a qualitative difference between the first three positions and the fourth position. The first three
are unconscious, having been made early in life. These positions are arrived at on the basis of data from
the Parent and Child. They are based on emotion or impressions without the benefit of external,
modifying data. The fourth position, I’M OK – YOU’RE OK, because it is a conscious and verbal
decision, can include not only an infinitely greater amount of information about the individual and
others, but also the incorporation of not-yet-experienced possibilities which exist in the abstractions of
philosophy and religion. The first three positions are based on feelings. The fourth is based on thought,
faith and the wager of action. The first three have to do with why. The fourth has to do with why not?
We do not drift into a new position. It is a decision we make. Therefore, TA has been called a Redecision
Model.

Fortunate are the children who are helped early in life to find they are OK by repeated exposure to
situations in which they can prove, to themselves, their own worth and the worth of others. It is essential
to understand that I’M OK – YOU’RE OK is a position and not a feeling. The NOT OK recordings in
the Child are not erased by a decision in the present. The task at hand is how to start a collection of
recordings which play OK outcomes to transactions; successes in terms of correct probability estimating;
successes in terms of integrated actions which make sense, which are programmed by the Adult, and by
the Parent or Child; successes based on an ethic which can be supported rationally.
One cannot guarantee instant OK feelings by the assuming of the I’M OK, YOU’RE OK position. One
has to be sensitive to the presence of the old recordings; but one can choose to turn them off when they
replay in a way that undermines the faith one has in a new way to live, which in time will bring forth
new results and new happiness in one’s living. The Adult can also recognize the Child responses in
others and can choose not to respond in kind.

Very early in life every child concludes, “I’m not OK”. He makes a conclusion about his parents, also:
“You’re OK”. This is the first thing he figures out in his life long attempt to make sense of himself and
the world in which he lives. Every child concludes it, ‘happy childhood’ notwithstanding. By the end of
the second year of life, or sometime during the third year, the child has decided on one of the first three
positions. The decision as to the first three positions is based totally on stroking and non-stroking. The
first three are nonverbal decisions. They are conclusions, not explanations. Once finalized, the child
stays in his chosen position and it governs everything he does. It stays with him the rest of his life, unless
he later consciously changes it to the fourth. The clinical fact which is already evident is that once a
central emotional position is established early in life, it becomes the affective position to which that
individual will tend to return automatically for the rest of his days. Although the early experiences which
culminated in the position cannot be erased, early positions can be changed. What was once decided can
be undecided.

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 TIME STRUCTURING
“Time is what we want most, but alas! What we use worst.”
- William Penn

For many people the pressing question: How am I going to get through the next hour? The more
structured time is, the less difficult is this problem. Structure hunger is an outgrowth of recognition
hunger which grew from an initial stroking hunger. The small child has not the necessary comprehension
of time to structure it but simply sets about doing things which feel good, moment to moment. As he
gets a little older he learns to postpone gratifications for greater rewards. As we grow older we have
more and more choices. However, the NOT OK position keeps us from exercising these choices as freely
as we might think we do. This programming or structuring is what people try to achieve, and when they
are unable to do it themselves they look to others to structure time for them. There are in TA terms, six
ways we can choose to structure our time. They are: withdrawal, rituals, activities, pastimes, games, and
intimacy.

1. Withdrawal
When a person grows up and finds himself making a decision to withdraw, he is acting out an old pattern
of deciding not to deal with people. He may carry out this decision by physically removing himself from
people or by daydreaming. While “alone time” is important for many people, it is significant that some
prefer to spend more time by themselves than others. For a person who has difficulty dealing with
people, it’s often the safest possibility, but at the same time it eliminates any chance he may have of
getting strokes from others, and the need for stroking may well be his most basic human need.

2. Rituals
A ritual is a socially programmed use of time where everybody agrees to do the same thing. For
centuries, many of society’s significant rituals have been passed down from generation to generation. In
a ritual there is no commitment to, or involvement with other person, the outcome is predictable, and it
can be very pleasant as long as you are doing the ‘right thing’.

3. Activities
An activity according to Berne, is a ‘common, convenient, comfortable, and utilitarian method of
structuring time by a project designed to deal with the material of external reality’. Common activities
are business appointments, doing dishes, writing a book, and studying for exams. They may be highly
satisfying in themselves and during the time of the activity, there is no need for intimate involvement
with another person.

4. Pastimes
Pastimes are a way of passing time. They are comfortable ways in which two or more people may pass
time by talking to each other. Berne’s observation is that ‘pastimes form the basis for the selection of
acquaintances and may lead to friendship’ and they have as an advantage the ‘conformation of role and
the stabilization of position’. People who do not engage in pastimes at will are not socially facile.
Pastimes can be thought of as a kind of social probing where one seeks information about new
acquaintances in a unthreatening, noncommittal way. The dialogue is usually Parent-Parent.

5. Games
A game is an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined,
predictable outcome. Games are clearly differentiated from other ways of structuring time by two chief
characteristics: (1) their ulterior quality (with a surface meaning as well as a secret meaning) and (2) the
payoff, the payoff usually identified as a feeling signifies the end of the game. Games are ways of using
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time for people who cannot bear the stroking starvation of withdrawal and yet whose NOT OK position
makes the ultimate form of relatedness- intimacy- impossible. Every game is basically dishonest and the
outcome has a rather dramatic quality.

6. Intimacy
A relationship of intimacy between two people may be thought of as existing independent of the first
five ways of time structuring. One reason the not OK child avoids intimacy so actively, is that intimacy
is the one form of time structuring that is based on the life position I’M OK- YOU’RE OK. It rests,
literally, in an accepting love where defensive time structuring is made unnecessary. Intimacy is a game-
free relationship, since goals are not ulterior. People with the capacity for intimacy have a sense of
concern for others. They care for people. They accept people as they are. People with the capacity for
intimacy are not defensive. They are willing to risk becoming emotionally involved with other people.

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