For the last few years, I’ve had an idea for a satirical self-help article

called, “The Productivity Secrets of Adolf Hitler.” The article would

feature all the popular self-help tropes—goals, visualizations, morning
routines—except expressed through the exploits of Hitler.

“Hitler starts his day at 5 AM each morning with a quick round of yoga
and five minutes of journaling. With these strategies, he’s able to focus
his mind on his highly ambitious goals.”

“Hitler discovered his life purpose in a beer hall in his 20s and has since
followed it relentlessly, thus infusing his life with passion and inspiring
millions of others like himself.”

“Adolf is a strict vegetarian, and makes sure to find time in his busy
schedule of genocide and world domination to explore his creative side:
he sets aside a few hours each week to listen to opera and paint his
favorite landscapes.”

I know that I would find the article hilarious. But that’s because I’m a
sick, twisted fuck. But in the end, I’ve never quite worked up the
courage to write the thing, for clear and obvious reasons.

I’ve been doing this long enough to know that a) a bunch of people
would get offended and devote themselves entirely to ruining my week
with annoying emails and social media screeds, b) the satire would go
over a bunch of people’s heads and they’d think that I was actually a
Nazi, and c) some awful publication somewhere would run the
headline, “Bestselling author outs himself as alt-right neo-Nazi” or
some shit and my career would be over.

So, I’ve never written the article. Call me a coward. But it remains
unwritten.

This bugs me a little bit because I think satirizing Hitler’s incredible

productivity and influence perfectly embodies a point I’ve long made
about the self-help world: achieving success in life is not nearly as
important as our definition of success. If our definition of success is
horrific—like, say, world domination and slaughtering millions—then
working harder, setting and achieving goals, and disciplining our minds
all become a bad thing.

If you remove the moral horrors from Hitler, on paper, he’s one of the
most successful self-made people in world history. He went from being
a broke, failed artist, to commandeering an entire country and the most
powerful military in the world in a matter of two decades. He mobilized
and inspired millions. He was tireless and shrewd and intensely focused
on his goals. He arguably influenced world history as much as anyone
who has ever lived.

But all of that work went toward demented, destructive aims. And tens
of millions of people died horrifically due to his twisted, misguided
values.