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A SWEET 23 YEAR OLD, TEDDY, HAS SWEPT HIS PRETTY 10 YEAR OLD
SISTER, AMBER, OFF HER FEET, KISSING HER ON THE CHEEK.
AS TIM HOLDS POLLY'S HAND, WE SEE A TEAR APPEAR IN THE
CORNER OF HER EYE. FOR HER, IT’S A PROFOUNDLY SAD MOMENT -
NO-ONE LOVES HER. SHE WALKS AWAY. TIM IS MORTIFIED. SHAKES
HIS HEAD. BAD START TO THE YEAR.
TIM
This is all very formal.
TIM
Okay - when you're ready. All very
mysterious.
AN ODD PAUSE.
DAD
Alright. Right. Tim - my dear son -
the simple fact is that the men in
this family have always had the
ability to... This is going to
sound strange. Be prepared for
strangeness. But there’s this
family secret - and the secret is
that all the men in the family can -
travel in time.
(HEADING ON FAST)
Well, more accurately, travel back
in time. I mean, once we’ve
travelled back, we can of course
travel forward back to the present,
but we can't travel into the future
from now.
TIM
This is such a weird joke...
DAD
It’s not a joke.
TIM
It’s got to be a joke.
DAD
It’s seriously not a joke.
TIM
So you’re saying that you, and
granddad, and his brothers... could
all travel back in time?
DAD
Yes.
TIM
And you still do?
DAD
Absolutely.
TIM
Okay - if it’s true - which it
isn’t...
DAD
Although it is...
TIM
Although it isn’t, obviously. But
if it was, which it’s not...
DAD
Which it is...
TIM
Which it isn’t - but if it was, how would I
actually..?
DAD
The 'how’ is the easy bit in fact. You go
into a dark place - big cupboards very
useful generally - toilets at a pinch - then
you clench your fists like this, think about
the moment you’re going to, and you’ll
find yourself there. After a bit of a
stumble and a rumble and a tumble.
PAUSE.
TIM
Wow.
DAD
...is as good a reaction as any. I
think I plumped for 'fuck'. But it
was the 80s.
TIM
Do you mind if I just take a few
moments to think about it?
DAD
Please do. I’ll just be here.
TIM
No - no - this is so obviously just
a joke.
DAD
It’s not. Why would I lie?
TIM
Okay. Well, I mean, there’s
obviously only one way to settle
this.
DAD
Yes. Obviously.
TIM
But when I come back downstairs -
after standing in a cupboard with
my fists clenched - you’re going to
be in so much trouble. I mean it.
DAD
Let’s see, shall we? And Tim... Try
to do something useful. You want
the first time to be interesting at
least.
TIM
So much trouble. I mean it. Really.
TIM
Yes. Good, good.
TIM
You're welcome, Polly.
AND HE HEADS OFF INTO A DARK ROOM, OFF THE PARTY ROOM...