Advice from Mr.

T on picking up women

Dear Mr. T

I’m having a difficult time getting girls. What can I do?

Your biggest fan,

Ken

Dear Ken

In 1972 my crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime we didn’t commit. We
escaped and then had to survive by becoming underground soldiers of fortune on the
streets of LA. Try living out of a van with four sweaty guys getting shot at. Then you can
complain. But no, you be wanting help gettin a girl. You got to be pulling my 24 carat
gold chains. Hey, don’t even think bout doin that. Just get off your butt and go talk to
some ladies. They’re all over.

Sincerely
T

Dear Mr. T

Thank you for answering my letter. I appreciate your candor. I have tried to talk to
women but they seem to always just want to be friends. What can I do?

Your biggest fan,

Ken

Dear Ken

You be a stupid foo. Don’t be givn them ladies the chance to be your friend. You need to
set your ground up front. When T and Face show up for a little adventure you bet we
come out shootin. I pity the foo who don’t SOI. You make me angry. You don’t want to
see me angry. Oh sorry, that’s another 80’s TV cultural icon. Anyway, you got to be
direct and not be such a woman. I don’t have time for you.

Sincerely
T

Dear Mr. T

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. My question is if I show women that I’m interested
in them in that way won’t they lose interest because they will have already won my
attraction?
Your biggest fan,
Ken

Dear Ken,

Oh, hi there. I’m Dr. T. What you want with me man? T got more important business to
tend to then helping you foo out. Murdock workin at Starbucks and Face thinking he’s a
transvestite. Don’t know why T bother with you. The ladies only lose interest when you
forget to give them a believable reason you like them. You got to justify your interest. You
got that? Not why she IS attractive but why she’s attractive to YOU. Notice the
difference? It’s bout you. Not bout her. Express yourself. She likes feelin she worked for
your affections. Can’t believe you don’t know that.

Sincerely
T

Dear Mr. T

Thank you so much for your advice. Okay, I tried that last night and this girl looked at me
blankly. I decided that would be a good time to leave. Did I do the SOI wrong? I told her
she had a great fashion sense.

Your biggest fan,

Ken

Dear Ken,

You probably the biggest foo T ever know. You can’t see it but T scowling in your
direction. What was that? You really into fashion? She probably thought you gay foo. The
SOI not bout her it’s bout you. T would say, “Hey honey baby, T like you cause you good
at distracting guards and not gettin shot. T finds long legged, distracting-girls sexy. But
don’t get a big head foo.” Then she would be thinking bout enjoying T’s mohawk in
certain places. She not be thinking T a chump. She know she won some T affection. Got
that foo. Now go back in there and tell that girl why you find her sexy. You better write
back and tell T what happened so T can have a big laugh at you.

Sincerely
T

Dear Mr. T

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I went back and told her that she was sexy
to me because I like women who stay fit. She said she runs. But then she didn’t say
anything so I asked her what she thought about that. She said she didn’t know. It felt
kinda weird then so I walked away.
Your biggest fan,
Ken

Dear Ken,

Let’s run that again. You asked her if that was okay? The SOI is not a question foo. It’s a
statement. Don’t pause to hear what she says. Just keep moving your lips. That’s your
mission. You goin to surprise her with the SOI. Got to let it simmer up there. That takes
time and she might give you some gruff like Hanibal without his coffee. ‘The course of
true love never did run smooth.’ That’s some Shakespere foo. Bet you didn’t think T read
Shakespere. There’s a lot you don’t know bout T.

Sincerely
T

Dear Mr. T

Good morning. You have changed my life… I did it! I went to the club and found her.
She said, “Not you again, get lost.” So I found another woman who told me she paints
murals of the people she has met as fish. I told her she was sexy to me because I find
women who are creative sexy. I have always wanted to be more creative and I hope some
of her creativity wears off on me. Then I went on like it was no big deal, just expressing
myself. Well Mr. T, I now have a hot girl waking up in my bed. Thanks for that. So now I
have another question. How do I cook a good omelet?

Your biggest fan,

Ken

Dear Ken,

Great, now you might go out and make a bunch o little foos. I don’t know why I help you.
Now you want T give you cooking lessons? You a bigger foo than T thought. T’s a
hardened soldier of fortune. T like concrete with bling. T thinks you a bigger foo than T
thought since you don’t know you got get your pan heated very hot. Are you pulling back
the edges? You better get a good omelet fork. T likes the line by Martha Stewart foo.
Now, get out of here.

Sincerely
T