SHATTERED

“Was it all I deserved, an end like this?”, I questioned myself the umpteenth time as I stood still on
the shore, gazing at the water beneath. It seemed calm and peaceful but it carried a wild storm
deep down in its heart, just like me. Yet, there was a huge difference between us; while it kept
going on, I had decided to end it all. It was becoming too hard to carry on with these regrets, I
couldn't bear them now. I recalled all the memories; beautiful and ugly, joyful and sad. Some
made me smile and others were just painful. I missed all those memories with my lovely family,
not so lovely anymore. I never got to see my mother out of the frame for she died while giving
birth to me, indeed the sign of bad luck I brought along! Afterwards raised by my father and elder
brother, I grew up to be a curse for my family. Neither my father nor my brother ever told me
something like that but I felt it and somehow, I experienced it as well. We smiled and laughed
together, enjoying every little happiness. However, my relatives never failed to make me realise of
my failures. A loser in academics having no specific abilities or talents, neither creative in any field,
only a useless weight on my father. Although the care and love I received from my little family was
enough to lay a veil over it, yet I couldn't forget this altogether.
And how can I forget the last nail on this coffin; the day when I saw my brother for the last time....
We had gone to school together as he had promised me the previous night. Before he dropped me
at the school gate, I was handed over a small packet of nuts—cashews, raisins and almonds; my
favourites of course. I smiled and he gave me a hug before leaving. All the day I kept thinking of
the cricket match we were going to play in the evening, unknown of the tsunami that awaited me.
Once I returned home, I got the worst shock of my life. My brother had not returned home and he
didn't ever. Since then, he was never to be found again. We tried a lot, missing reports, notices in
newspapers, search teams and what not but all in vain. I lost him and I lost a part of me!
Now it's been two years and his memories are fresh yet. My father doesn't talk much, now he isn't
the jolly person I knew of. He pretends to have moved on but I've seen him crying alone in his
room. He lost his wife and now his son, all because of me. I couldn't expect anything else. At least
he takes care of me despite the hate he must have got for this unlucky boy in his own house. He
doesn't even smile let alone laugh. I feel guilty of ruining his happiness in return for all the love he
provided me with. I failed in everything, at last in life too. I want to cry but my tears have dried up,
I want to shout but my mouth has gone dumb. I feel caged inside my own body, nobody to share
this all pain with. I've buried it within myself and today, I would be drowning it all along with me.
I wished to ask my father for forgiveness but I felt shameful, maybe he too will get a moment of
peace after my death. With this thought, I jumped into the water. . .
I shivered with the cold water around me, I wasn't able to see anything. Struggling to gasp, I tried
coming to the surface but I kept sinking even deeper. I tried to breathe air but I got water instead
which choked me and seized me with terror. I wanted to die but now I was fighting with it! I felt
my mouth was full of water, tried to get up once more but the water pushed me down. I couldn't
shout or cry. I felt like my whole body was trembling with fear and cold water. I was constantly
moving my hands and feet, but I failed. I felt numb and helpless. I knew that I was going to die
now. At last, I gave up and surrendered my body to the waters. I felt lifeless and thought “maybe
I'll get some peace at least now” and closed my eyes with despair.
 SHATTERED
When I opened my eyes, I was standing at the shore. Before I could think what was happening
around, I jumped into the water. Dejected and confused, I was in the cold and dark water again.
Struggling to breathe with the futile attempt of coming up to the surface, I tried but got pressed
back to the bottom. Water was becoming colder and my body was giving up already. Fear gripped
me within until I set myself free to let the water gulp me in it. My eyes went black only to wake at
the shore once again. I was afraid of these happenings. “What’s going on with me”, I shouted out
loud with terror.
“You're getting your reward. Now you'll kill yourself the same way forever. Every time you'll get
alive to face death again in the same way!”, replied a voice.
I was terrorised at first but then I asked with tears, “What did I do. I took away my own life
because I couldn't bear it anymore. I was getting frustrated. What else was there to be done?”
“That was your life, I agree. But you didn't own it neither you had the right to kill anyone, be it
yourself or anyone else. A life is a life and you've taken one so you'll get the punishment”, the
voice growled back.
“Please don't do this. Forgive me. I didn't find another way, I was helpless. Do you think I was
happy to take this decision. It's too painful to hurt your own self. You'll think that I was a coward
but It takes too much courage to end your own life.”, I blurted out all that I had kept inside.
“Had you lost your faith in goodness? If something bad happened to you, does it mean goodness
doesn't exist at all. Did you forget all the happiness you got? You let the evil win over you. What’s
about to happen will go that way, you can't change it but you were given hope and life, you
destroyed both of the gifts. To end your life needs courage but it needs much more courage to
face the same!”, the voice finished, leaving me there in regrets. I was handed over to the water
and I wished I had kept my hope alive. My life was worth a lot but I lost it. Now I was sinking in the
deep black abyss, struggling and fighting. I was shouting out loud, when I felt a hand on my back. I
slowly gained consciousness and opened my eyes, adjusting to the light. It was my father, patting
on my back and comforting me. I couldn't stop crying now so he took me in his arms. My cries
went even louder but I was feeling relieved. Father was sobbing too and we sat there holding each
other tightly, crying and sobbing. Today, we let our sorrows flow and shared all the pain and
weight of our hearts.
It was the first night after these years, while he got a smile and I got peace. Later, when I laid
down on my bed, I wondered, “Was that only a dream?”

© Syed Muhayir