The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective Husbands

And How To Get Over Them

As men we can be notorious for not seeking out help when we need to, especially when it comes
to relationships. I want to applaud you for downloading this guide. I hope you are able to identify
with aspects of it and take courageous action to take your relationship to the next level.

In all my years of working with men and couples, the most significant thing that I have found is
that relationships, if done right, have the potential to be the greatest personal growth machine
for both people involved. And, almost always, it has to start with the man taking bold action - with-
out that there is very little promise of the relationship living up to its full potential.

When the man shows up in his intimate relationship and takes responsibility for setting the tone
and taking the lead with love and integrity, both he and his partner have the greatest opportu-
nity to experience what they both most deeply desire. By becoming more conscious in their inti-
mate relationship, men can act with love and integrity by setting a tone that promotes open
communication, problem-resolution, reciprocity, trust, and sexual passion.

This is not about men trying to control anything, especially not another person. Control is an
illusion, firstly, and it’s unloving. When I encourage men to set the tone and take the lead, I am
inviting them to be conscious and present in their relationship. This is the greatest act of love and
integrity a man can offer his partner.

Typically women are tired of being the gatekeepers of their intimate relationships. They are tired
of driving the bus. They are tired of being asked, “What do you want to do tonight?” They are
tired of feeling tired. They are ready for a different plan and it starts with you, the man in the rela-
tionship.

It’s time for you to get in the driver's seat, take charge, and Step up - Grow up - Light her up.
Habit 1 Following, not leading

FLAWED MINDSET, BELIEFS, OR ACTIONS IMPACT ON THE RELATIONSHIP

Each time you show up without a plan or decisiveness, it

Confusing ‘leading lovingly’ with being ‘controlling’.
Waiting for your girlfriend or wife to tell you the plan.
Assuming that it makes you more likable/lovable/loving if you
wait for your wife to make the decisions.
forces your girlfriend or wife into her masculine energy
which is exhausting for her.
When you are indecisive, anxious, avoidant, passive,
unpredictable, dishonest, or pleasing – your woman is
going to feel unsafe.

BREAKTHROUGH MINDSET
When you set the tone and take the lead, you aren’t being controlling: you are actually inviting your
woman into a fuller, more reciprocal relationship. She’ll love you for it!

ACTION
Leading the relationship means to demonstrate the following behaviors consistently without attachment to the outcome of how
they will be received i.e remaining conscious and agile in the face of opposition
Show up with a plan.
Be definitive, but conscious and flexible.
Be transparent: Tell her what you are thinking, what you are feeling, and what you want. Don’t make her guess or read your
mind.
Be consistent: When you act consistently, your woman senses that you are paying attention, and she then realizes she can
count on you. This makes her feel safe.
 Habit2
Habit Giving up the ‘dating self’

FLAWED MINDSET, BELIEFS, OR ACTIONS IMPACT ON THE RELATIONSHIP

Giving up hobbies, interests, passions that made your wife
attracted to you in the first place.
Getting complacent in paying attention to the relationship like
you did when you were dating.
Not paying attention to your grooming, health.
Playing it safe and not making an effort to inject novelty and
anticipation in the relationship.
Novelty, drama and anticipation is the feminine currency
for emotional engagement. In its absence, expect your part-
ner to create negative emotional drama in the form of nagging,
complaining, blaming, withdrawing, controlling, scolding, pout-
ing, sighing, yelling, silent treatment etc.
(If reading that makes you anxious, her mission is accom-
plished. It’s in the hope that the anxiety will make you get it
together.)

BREAKTHROUGH MINDSET
The feminine is attracted to the masculine traits of purpose, drive, and his ability to meet his own needs unapologetically
and masterfully. This trait is also the critical factor in turning your relationship into a personal growth machine.

ACTION
Inject novelty into your date nights. If you don’t have date nights, get started. Take the lead on planning them. Get back to your
‘dating self’.
Get back to your hobbies and passions or cultivate new ones.
Start taking care of your energy, health and grooming.
Habit 3 Tolerating bad behavior and not drawing boundaries

FLAWED MINDSET, BELIEFS, OR ACTIONS IMPACT ON THE RELATIONSHIP

There should be no boundaries in relationships.
Expecting your partners to automatically understand your
boundaries without you having to articulate them.
Hoping your boundaries are never tested. (They will always
be tested!)
Avoiding boundaries and suppressing your needs eventually
leads to a ‘victim puke’ in the form of resentment, rage or/and
playing out in the form of addictive behaviors, or/and wanting to
punish your partner overtly or covertly.

BREAKTHROUGH MINDSET
Boundaries are essential in any relationship - they ensure that all the people in the relationship don’t have to keep up with bad behavior.
Imagine if your home didn’t have boundaries/fences/doors - it would make you perpetually anxious about who might enter, and will
make outsiders unsure what might happen to them if they entered. The same is true for behavioral boundaries i.e healthy boundaries
make both people in the relationship feel safe, respected and relaxed.

ACTION
Make a list of small and big things you have been tolerating from your partner and arrange in order of least annoying to most
annoying. Start with the least annoying (and safest things) and ask your partner to make changes in their behaviors or habits to
meet your needs. (Secret: You setting strong boundaries can sometimes make your wife very attracted to you. As an example, go
watch the last 10 minutes of comedian Ali Wong’s latest Netflix special called ‘Don Wong’ where she talks about her husband
putting an end to her bad behavior. Yes, the news is that they might get divorced, but definitely not because of this.)
Invite your partner to articulate her boundaries and behaviors that she has been tolerating from you. Make a joint commitment to
support each other in maintaining both your boundaries.
 Spending too much time together doing
Habit 4 monotonous things

FLAWED MINDSET, BELIEFS, OR ACTIONS IMPACT ON THE RELATIONSHIP

More time together gets us closer. (not ALL time together is
good for romantic relationships. Monotonous time together
leads to monotonous relationships.)
We need to do everything together.
Marriage is about doing the boring things together.
Spending too much time together doing monotonous things
kills attraction, sexual tension and masculine-feminine polarity in
a romantic relationship or marriage. You end up becoming more
like asexual roommates than romantic partners.

BREAKTHROUGH MINDSET
Give each other the gift of missing the other person. (Healthy) Distance DOES make the heart grow fonder. It’s also usually indicative
of both people having full lives outside of the relationship and are capable of getting their needs met in a variety of creative ways.

ACTION
Regularly spend time away hanging out with your guy friends doing guy things. Encourage her to do the same with her girlfriends.
Restrict needless texting or communication during the day. No need to exchange monotonous updates of regular daily activities.
(“What are you doing?”/“I have reached office.”/ ”I am heading to the supermarket.”)
Instead, surprise her with a naught text once in a while.
Activities that don’t necessarily need to be done together, divide them up (shopping/cleaning/cooking etc.). Occasionally when you
do need to do them together, spice it up and find creative ways to make it fun.
Habit 5 Killing emotional tension

FLAWED MINDSET, BELIEFS, OR ACTIONS IMPACT ON THE RELATIONSHIP

Women want a drama-free life, like men do.
Men should always hold back their emotions.
Pleasing her and doing things for her will make her like you
more.
When men don’t show up consciously in a relationship and take
the lead on creating positive emotional tension, women will
(often unconsciously) create negative emotional tension.

BREAKTHROUGH MINDSET
The feminine has an evolutionary wiring and survival need for emotional tension to feel safe, connected and engaged. If she is not going
to get it in positive ways from her partner, she will create it in a variety of negative ways.

Unapologetically embrace your masculinity. Masculinity is that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and
species. Without it we would have all become extinct eons ago. Masculinity empowers a man to create and produce. It also empowers
him to provide for and protect those who are important to him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, pas-
sion, persistence, integrity, aggression, and drive for achievement.

ACTION
Treat her nagging or being upset as her unconscious need for you to connect with her more deeply.
Create positive emotional tension in the relationship through anticipation, fun, playful uncertainty, variety, novelty, escape, healthy doses
of risk, decisiveness and masculine presence.
Avoid these ways in which men kill emotional tension in the relationship: hiding their emotions, pleasing, rigidity and predictability, listen-
ing to her talk about their problems (that’s what her girlfriends are for), passiveness, covert giving and doing things, rescuing and
fixing.
Every once in a while read some ‘chick lit’ or watch a romantic comedy (think Hugh Grant) to be in touch with what women enjoy. (It will
probably be mind numbing for you as a man but you will build an understanding of emotional tension! P.S. Ironically Hugh Grant went
on tocheat on his smoking hot celebrity girlfriend Elizabeth Hurley by engaging the services of a sex worker. Go figure!)
Habit 6 Trying to meet your sexual needs covertly

FLAWED MINDSET, BELIEFS, OR ACTIONS IMPACT ON THE RELATIONSHIP

If I do things for her/please her/not upset her, she will be
more sexually available. Resenting your partner for not initiating sex.

Women are turned on in the same way men are. Feeling shame or/and tip-toeing around your sexual needs.

Women don’t like sex. Resorting to ‘playing out’ behaviors like porn, addictive
behaviors, social media scrolling.
Women think men who want sex are bad.

You have to sneak your sexual agenda up on women.

BREAKTHROUGH MINDSET
You have to work really hard to get a woman into the
mood to have sex. In any relationship transparency builds trust, and trust is
essential to ignite the feminine lust. So trust=lust. Show up
Women aren’t very sexually adventurous.
boldly, transparently and unapologetically about your sexual
needs. Women tend to be way more sexual than men but are
turned on in different ways than men.
ACTION
Stop wrapping your sexual needs around covert actions.
The more positive emotional tension you create, the more she is going to be turned on.
Initiate sex however you want. If she says ‘no’, stop and don’t take it personally. Her ‘no’ typically means ‘not now’ or ‘not this’. It does
not mean ‘not you’.
Expand your definition of sex beyond 4.5 minutes of penetration. The opportunity for foreplay exists 24 hours a day.
Follow the 4 rules to transform your sex life in 24 hours. Rule 1: It’s your job to approach her as if she is the most sexually
adventureous person in the world. Rule 2: It’s her job to say ‘no’ when she doesn’t want to. Rule 3: It’s your job to not take her ‘no’
personally. Rule 4: She can initiate sex whenver she wants, but you are not going to wait for her to.
 Trying to do everything right, hiding
Habit 7 your flaws and mistakes

FLAWED MINDSET, BELIEFS, OR ACTIONS IMPACT ON THE RELATIONSHIP

I have to live up to her standards to be a worthy husband.
If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth,
problem-free married life.
My mistakes make me look weak.
My shortcomings, mistakes and flaws make me unlikeable
and unlovable.
Constantly posing while believing that others don’t notice
the posing.
Walking on eggshells for the fear of being ‘found out’ or
avoiding her wrath.
Suppressing self expression, often leading to anxiety and
depression.
Inability to form deep relationships due to inauthenticity.
Self-help junkies.

BREAKTHROUGH MINDSET
People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems and an individual’s life energy, and NOT to their non-existent perfection.
A person’s rough edges and imperfections give others something to connect with. You are lovable just as you are.

ACTION
Out yourself : Find a safe group of men to ‘out yourself’ and admit what you have been hiding and what you are scared to reveal.
Notice the freedom you experience in not needing to pretend. Once you begin to normalize for yourself your supposed flaws, time
to come clean with your partner.
When you screw up, own it and don’t let anyone shame you for it, including your partner.
Find a safe place to talk about the following issues: Your sexual history, ways in which you have acted out sexually, and your dark
side
(those things that even you have a hard time looking at in yourself — fantasies, rage, offending behavior.)
In conclusion
If any of these habits resonate with you and you find yourself and your relationship stuck, I encourage you to try on the
actions suggested above. You will be pleasantly surprised at the outcomes.

If you would like to dig in deeper and would like additional resources and guidance, check out the online course for men
and relationships here https://menandmarriage.wildmancoaching.com/course

It includes lifetime access to

40+ video lessons divided into 8 modules
Editable PDF Workbook with exercises aligned to each lesson of the course.
Access to an online community to share progress, resources, find accountability and get support from
other men on a similar journey.
An ever growing library of additional resources of readings, videos, podcasts.

(All this comes with a ‘no questions asked’ 30 day money back guarantee.)

I wish you all the best in taking your relationship to the next level.