Conscious Relationship Rule #1: Be Real

Being real in a relationship means expressing your true feelings to your partner, especially
the difficult ones. The scariest feelings may be the hardest to express, but hiding them does
more damage to your relationship.

First, you never really "hide" a feeling - it will surface in other ways. Your feelings are
powerful indicators, and when you try to hide them, it's like putting them in a pressure cooker.
They'll simmer below the surface - you'll even feel them burning away in your chest or as an
uncomfortable queasy feeling in your stomach. And they'll keep gnawing at you, trying to find a
way to get out.

Feelings demand to be acknowledged, because it's the only way they'll heal. But if you don't
express them verbally, they'll show up through your body language or other pleas for attention.
You'll find yourself becoming snappy with your partner, or withdrawn, or passive aggressive.

Second, covering up your feelings prevents true intimacy.

The problem with feelings getting "expressed" in a covert way is that it hurts both you and
your partner. When you don't identify, own, and vocalize your real feelings, you never have a
chance to fully heal from them. You'll keep acting out on them, and you'll keep your partner in
the dark.

When you allow yourself to be truly "seen" by your partner, you give him or her the
opportunity to know the real you. In turn, you feel more loved for all that you are, and your
partner will also feel safe to express feelings.

Conscious Relationship Rule #2: Be Appreciative

Our favorite relationship tool is also the most fun: appreciation. You might think that your
partner doesn't need to be appreciated for all that they are and everything they do, especially if
you've been together for years.

But think back to when you first met. Remember how your early courtship was marked by
positive affirmations of each other? Remember how you were moved to tell your mate what
you worshiped about them?

That's precisely one of the behaviors that makes falling in love so thrilling. And people never
lose the desire for that. If you want to experience falling in love with your mate your whole life,
you need to start appreciating!
 Most struggling couples are so mired in their mess that they don't even realize how critically
appreciation is missing from their interactions. All they know is that they feel pain in their
relationship, and they want it to stop.

For nearly every relationship ailment, appreciation is the answer. If you feel taken for
granted by your partner, if you're always bickering, if you've lost the sizzle in the bedroom, and
especially if you engage in criticism with each other - appreciate you must. Not only will you
likely resolve these problems, but you'll feel those "falling in love" feelings all over again.

Conscious Relationship Rule #3: Listen Without Interrupting

Do you truly feel heard in your relationship? Does your partner often tell you, "Did you just
hear what I said?"

Not feeling heard is one of the biggest complaints in failed relationships. Not feeling heard
can make you feel lonely, unloved, and unappreciated - a troublesome trio that leads to
emotional disengagement in the relationship. When people don't feel heard by their partners,
they slowly withdraw their energy from the relationship and redirect it elsewhere - be it work,
hobbies, or other people.

Most relationships don't start out this way. It's what happens when partners get lazy and
take each other for granted.

Being a good listener in your relationship is about cultivating presence. You get skilled in
setting aside your own perspective and letting your partner have the stage. Otherwise you're
just responding from your own needs and wants, and your partner will feel it.

You'll know you're not truly listening when you're in your head coming up with a response
while your partner is talking. Even if you're looking at your beloved, they'll sense you're not
really "there."

What's more, conjuring up the perfect argument while your partner is talking will actually
backfire. That's because the most persuasive response also happens to be the most simple,
and it's likely something you've never thought to say.

Here's a little secret: there's a way to communicate with your mate that will practically
guarantee that they will listen intently to what you have to say. We call it "heart talk," and you
can learn how to do it here:

Speak So They'll Listen

Conscious Relationship Rule #4: Practice Impeccable Integrity
 The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines integrity as a "the state of being whole, entire, or
undiminished." (We much prefer and use integrity as wholeness, and then drifts can be
resolved to recover the experience of wholeness again.)

In a conscious relationship, this means you're both committed to doing what's in the best
interest of each other's whole being.

Commitment is a "home" where you can both feel safe in. When your partner knows that you
are devoted to creating a genuine, lasting relationship together, you build a foundation of loving
trust.

If one or both partners aren't entirely committed - body, mind, and heart - it creates an
undercurrent of distrust that will permeate every aspect of the relationship. Little discussions
turn into big, ugly arguments. Promises are broken. Physical intimacy wanes. And all of these
add up to a relationship that is anything but fulfilling.

Integrity is a daily practice, not just an every-now-and-then thing. Even after more than 30
years together, we faithfully carry out certain habits every day that deepen our trust for each
other. And we want you to enjoy the same blissful connection.