Where Does Jealousy Come From?

Jealousy is a normal human emotion. When dealt with properly, it can even be an opportunity to
strengthen the relationship; however, ongoing jealousy in a relationship can indicate anxiety or
self-esteem issues (e.g., if you haven’t worked through childhood issues or past infidelity, it may
manifest in how you engage in your present relationship). Research also suggests that jealousy
grows when you face a threat to your self-esteem.

15 Tips to Deal With Jealousy In a Relationship

Whether you, your partner, or both of you are experiencing jealous feelings, there are many ways
to manage jealousy in a relationship. It’s always best to be honest, open, and vulnerable with
each other. Also, be willing to explore some of your own unspoken needs and cultivate a
stronger sense of self-confidence.

Here are 15 tips to deal with jealousy in a relationship:

1. Acknowledge & Openly Talk About Jealousy

If you’ve noticed jealous feelings, it might be time to have a candid conversation with your
partner. Communication is key! In many instances, jealousy is an internal battle, so do some
introspection. Then, share what you discover with your partner. Be truthful about how you feel
and what makes you uncomfortable, creating boundaries for yourself and the relationship.

A partner who is willing to honestly talk about their feelings is demonstrating healthy jealousy.
For example, saying, “I felt jealous when the man at the party was talking to you. I felt like he
was flirting, and it made me feel uncomfortable,” is a healthy expression of jealousy. How you
decide to respond to your own jealousy will make or break the relationship.
2. Recognize That Jealousy Is Usually a Sign of Insecurity
“Jealousy is something we all feel at one point or another. In our personal lives, feeling
threatened by someone else is fairly common. However, jealousy can turn into a destructive
force if we’re not careful. Recognizing that jealousy is usually a sign of insecurity can help us be
more mindful of how we’re feeling and interacting with others. Perhaps if we catch ourselves
feeling jealous, we can take a step back and reassess the situation. Is there something we’re
afraid of? Are we feeling threatened? Taking the time to identify our feelings can help us to
address them head-on rather than letting them fester. And when we’re able to do that, we can
improve our relationships – with ourselves and with others.” – Lanae St.John, DHS, CSC, ACS,
Founder of The MamaSutra

3. Work on Managing Your Emotions

“Emotions can be information without being directives. That means you can experience jealousy,
acknowledge that it is uncomfortable, and ask for appropriate support, without immediately
behaving in a knee-jerk way or being accusatory. In relationships, we can ask our partner(s) for
support, but we can’t expect them to manage our emotions for us (nor should we want them to!).
Learn how to recognize what you’re feeling, acknowledge it, experience it, and tolerate it, as part
of your own inner work.” – Bethny Gabriella Brown, LPC, Nemi Health & Wellness, PLLC

4. Keep a Relationship Journal

A journal is a safe place for you to vent and describe how your jealousy feels, both emotionally
and physically. Your journal is not going to judge you for how you feel, so this is an opportunity
for you to go beneath the surface and explore insecurities and frustrations.

When journaling, reflect on your relationship with these key questions:

 Is your partner really the right person for you?

 Did they do something specific to trigger the jealousy?
 Are you bringing your past into this new relationship?
  Are you self-sabotaging?

5. Before Pointing Fingers, First Look Inward

“We all have different experiences in life that shape our expectations for relationships. Different
types of past experiences in family, friend and romantic relationships may lead us to be
distrustful, insecure or dependent in the present. Hurling accusations at your partner can make
them feel defensive, or even insecure themselves. When you notice those feelings of jealousy
surface, it’s most helpful to take a moment to pause and reflect on what in your past is being
triggered to make you assume the worst of your partner. From there, you can use I-statements to
explain how you are feeling and why, without jumping to conclusions or assigning blame. This
vulnerability can actually provide an opportunity for you and your partner to grow closer as you
learn more about each other’s needs.” – Victoria Murray, LCSW