Ex Back F1

The Relationship Rewrite
Method to Get Your Ex

Back Fast
Relationship Rewrite Method
Copyright © 2018 by Blink Publishing LLC
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.
Warning and Disclaimer
Every effort has been made to make this book as complete and as accurate as
possible, but no warranty is implied. The information provided is on an “as is” basis.
The author and the publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any
person or entity with respect to any loss or damages arising from the information
contained in this book.
Nothing in this book constitutes or is meant to constitute professional advice of

any kind. If you require advice in relation to any legal, financial, psychological, or
medical matter you should consult an appropriate professional.
Be Irresistible offers content on the topic of relationships and dating for

entertainment purposes. As our products are for entertainment purposes only,
they are NOT to be considered as legal, medical, psychological or professional
advice.
By purchasing our products or using our website, you must agree that James Bauer
is NOT providing you with any medical or psychological counsel.
TABLE OF CONTENT
1 Introduction ................................................................................................................... 1
Compounding Problems ............................................................................................... 2
How This Course Is Designed ........................................................................................ 4
2 The Movie Trailer Method ............................................................................................. 6
Why These Mini Mental Movies Matter So Much ....................................................... 8
Human Motivation .................................................................................................... 9
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It:.......................................................... 10
The Meaningful Moment Exercise .............................................................................. 13
3 The Power of Extended Time Horizons ....................................................................... 14
Lucky People ............................................................................................................... 16
4 Heuristics: Why Compliments Work When Other Methods Fail ................................. 19
Pursuing Joy ................................................................................................................ 21
Compliments ........................................................................................................... 23
The Six Steps to Winning Back His Heart ..................................................................... 25
Step One: Turn Him Around with the Power of Reciprocity ...................................... 25
How to Get His Attention ....................................................................................... 26
When You Ended on Good Terms .......................................................................... 28
We all want to matter............................................................................................. 28
Step Two: Use Compliments to Open New Pathways of Communication and
Gradually Shape His Behavior ..................................................................................... 33
The Best that He Can Be ......................................................................................... 33
Start with This ......................................................................................................... 35
The Five Goals ......................................................................................................... 36
How to Control Behavior with Compliments.......................................................... 38
How to Make Compliments Sound Natural ............................................................ 43
My Secret Sauce ..................................................................................................... 44
What If He Gets a Big Head? ................................................................................... 45
Step Three: Use the Power of Story to Touch His Emotions ...................................... 45
Method One............................................................................................................ 48
Method Two ........................................................................................................... 50
Step Four: Ask Him for a Favor ................................................................................... 52
A Simple Request .................................................................................................... 53
Hold His Gaze .......................................................................................................... 55
Step Five: Stand at the Crossroads ............................................................................. 58
He should never feel entitled to your company. .................................................... 58
The Crossroads........................................................................................................ 59
A Curious Thing about Men and Freedom ............................................................. 60
Methods for Creating Scarcity ................................................................................ 62
Step Six: Energy Transfer ............................................................................................ 64
Clearing Objections ................................................................................................. 68
Align Your Intentions .............................................................................................. 70
Optional Techniques ....................................................................................................... 72
The Humor Technique for Shared Emotional Release ............................................... 75
The Shared Enemy or Goal Technique ....................................................................... 76
The Disappearing, Reappearing Woman Technique .................................................. 77
An Idea Is Like a Virus ..................................................................................................... 79
1
INTRODUCTION
Sometimes, in our desperation to correct things, our mistakes create problems far worse
than the ones we started with.
In fact, I’d be willing to bet that some of the disagreements that drove you and your ex
apart came from your efforts to fix a problem between you.
You didn’t set out to ruin the relationship. You set out to fix it.
But arguments have a way of spinning out of control. You start with good intentions.
You start with just one small request for change. But then he reacts negatively. And that
causes you to react negatively.
Those negative feelings have a way of leading to other topics that have been bothering
one or both of you. And the next thing you know, it’s either a shouting match or a cold
shoulder.
Between lovers, arguments usually have two layers. There’s the surface layer. That’s the
stuff you’re arguing about. Then there’s the shadow layer, or the undercurrent of
emotion.
And it’s almost always the same unspoken question driving that undercurrent of
emotion. This underlying question is what drives the intensity of our heated emotions.
That question is:
“Do you still love me?”
After years of working with couples to improve their relationships, I’ve learned to watch
for this hidden question behind almost every argument. Sure, there’s some surface level
thing. But underneath the surface is the question, “How could you act this way toward
me if you love me? Do you still love me? Please explain yourself.”
Sadly, most of us ignore that underlying question and get defensive.
BEIRRESISTIBLE.COM 1
Here’s what happens as a result. In an effort to show your partner how his words or
actions make you feel, you end up driving him farther away. You try to fix a problem,
but things only get worse.
Compounding Problems
This is a relationship guide about getting your ex back.
But we’re going to start with a short story about hiking in the woods, because I want to
emphasize something important. Something you’ll remember better if I present it as a
story.
Here’s what happened to me on a camping trip a few years ago. I was on a hiking
adventure through a remote part of the Appalachian Trail in Virginia with my two
brothers.
Late into the first day of hiking, my younger brother revealed a novelty you wouldn’t
expect to find in the necessities-only backpacks we had tightly packed for mountainous
hiking. He pulled out a powder that would turn the filtered stream water in our canteens
into pink lemonade.
The lemonade was a nice change of pace. We were quite thirsty after climbing with
heavy packs for hours at a time without rest.
Now, one thing I strongly dislike about camping is the mosquitoes, so the extra luxury I
brought was a small, pen-sized backup spray bottle of mosquito repellent, which I had
tucked into my pants pocket.
My younger brother was responsible for the tent. He bought a new one, surprised at
how lightweight and easy to carry it was. He was especially pleased at the excellent price
he got on such a lightweight tent.
However, when we assembled it the first night, we discovered it was a child’s tent!
Only two of us could fit in the tent (with our knees bent). So we had to take turns
sleeping outside with full exposure to the elements (and creatures of the night). Yes,
there were creatures like snakes and bears – and the one I feared most - the mighty
mosquito.
On the second night, I took my turn sleeping outside. We had already put out the
campfire, so I was enveloped in the darkness of the forest canopy when I remembered
I had not applied mosquito repellent.
Rather than get out of my sleeping bag and walk barefoot to find it, I reached into the
pocket of my pant leg for my small bottle of repellent. I placed my finger over the spray
button and held my forearm up to apply the repellent.
Now, these harsh chemicals don’t harm humans, only bugs… unless you spray them
directly into your eye!
Which, as you may have guessed, I did.
In the darkness, the nozzle on that little bottle had spun around in my hand. Rather than
spraying my forearm, the jet of chemicals shot directly into my left eye.
In a panic, I grabbed the canteen next to me. Forcing open my left eye with two fingers,
I quickly poured the liquid into my eye to flush out the repellent. Only then did I realize
it wasn’t water, but the acidic lemonade we made earlier!
You might think I would now be qualified to distinguish which one stings more when
introduced to the eye - lemonade or mosquito repellent - but no. I’ve not had the chance
to experience either as an isolated assault.
I CAN tell you the combination of the two is not something I would ever recommend.
Fortunately, we had set up camp near a stream. I quickly stumbled to the waterline,
blindly reached out with both hands, and began flushing my eye with fresh water.
That fresh water saved my eye from the stinging mess I had created.
This course you have just purchased is your freshwater stream. It has been designed to
repair the compounding problems that tear good relationships apart.
Before we continue, let’s get something straight. It’s not your fault your ex has
wandered away. The truth is, it’s probably not entirely his fault either. Relationships go
through turbulent times. In fact, some of the strongest and most enduring relationships
I have witnessed were first forged in the flames of conflict.
One well-known set of research studies suggests that relationships become stronger
after a wound has been fully mended.
Think of it this way – the skin over a scar is usually tougher than the original skin before
the wound occurred. And that’s the case with relationships too.
I hope to be part of your mending process. Repairing the relationship between you and
the special man in your life may not be easy. It may even require some hard work and
patience. But I believe I can give you a significant advantage as you work to win his heart
again.
Most of you can relate to my story about the compounding errors I experienced during
my camping trip. One problem led to another, then another, then another. Very often,
our relationships also suffer from the hardships created by a series of desperate
mistakes.
These mistakes can cause great relationships to become painful to the point where one
or both partners temporarily flee from it.
We could spend a lot of time on the many ways small mess ups cause good relationships
to go bad, but this training course is specifically designed to get straight to the heart of
the matter.
The bottom line is: you need specific strategies to give your relationship a fighting
chance. I’m going to provide those strategies in this course.
Your job is to use them.
As the saying goes, “No one can do your pushups for you.” In other words, it’s up to you
to put these ideas to work.
Your relationship is unique. No two relationships are exactly the same. That means you’ll
need to adapt my ideas to make them fit your exact situation. And let me tell you, it’s
so worth it. Because relationships determine most of the happiness we experience in
life.
Do the work to fully understand the ideas I present here. But don’t stop there. Adapt
these ideas to fit your unique situation. Use what works and throw out the rest.
Ready? Then let’s get started.
How This Course Is Designed

At BeIrresistible.com, we are intensely focused on results. We want to bring real-world
outcomes to your life. So we get straight to the point as quickly as possible.
But we also make each idea as memorable as possible. If you remember it, you are more
likely to use it. If you use it, you get results.
Now, we understand that no two relationships are alike. Because of this, you will
naturally need to tailor the advice in this course to fit your own circumstances and
relationship.
We find a step-by-step process is the easiest to follow. That’s why our system is divided
into a Six-Step Plan of Action. Each action step serves as a separate training unit within
the course.
However, the six action steps are not the only steps with critical information! So – for
your own sake -don’t skip the additional training units. You don’t want to miss out on
valuable strategies and concepts.
You have now invested in a course that has the power to transform your life. This
information will upgrade your confidence and teach you powerful relationship skills. It’s
the best kind of information because it is designed for one single purpose:
Getting your ex back.
Just one idea gleaned from an information-packed course like this has the power to
radically alter the course of events in your life.
Now, there are a lot of ideas here, so fatigue or a short lapse in concentration may cause
you to miss a critical point or life-changing idea that could be extremely important in
your specific situation. Because of this, I recommend you go through this training
material twice.
First, read the entire course and begin putting it into action. Then go back through the
material at least one more time as you apply the steps to your relationship.
Going through the information a second time will ensure you did not miss a key concept.
It will also serve as a reminder to keep you on track as you rebuild your relationship.
2
THE MOVIE TRAILER
METHOD
Your mind is an anticipation machine.
The human brain is marvelous and complex, but its most amazing feature is its ability to
experience the future before it arrives.
In fact, getting what you want in life really comes down to one simple thing: The ability
to see the future in your mind’s eye before it actually happens. This skill, above all else,
separates those who get what they want in life from those who don’t.
Why is this skill so important?
The answer is simple. The more detailed your mental map of the future, the easier it is
to see which paths to take in order to reach the outcomes you desire.
The more detailed your mental map, the more powerful you become. Like a master
chess player, you can anticipate traps and sidestep them before they fully form. You can
also try out dozens of moves in your mind’s eye before choosing the best one.
But I’m talking about real life, not a game. People who learn to use this skill live charmed
lives. Everything just seems to unfold in their favor.
Is it luck? Is it magic?
No. It’s simply an enhanced ability to play out various possibilities in the mind’s eye and
recognize the choices that will bring the most pleasure and the least pain.
But here’s the tricky part.
Seeing the future is not like skipping ahead to the last page of a book to see how the
story ends. Your future is not a single, linear path. Rather, there are a hundred different
ways your future could unfold.
Changing just one variable in your life can have a cascading effect on every other variable.
Things can get confusing fast. It’s hard to anticipate how all the different variables will
interact.
Fortunately, I have a solution. It’s like a shortcut that gives you most of the benefits
without the headache of trying to anticipate how every little thing will interact.
What is this solution?
It’s knowing which variables to focus on. Knowing where to focus your attention is the
key to getting more of what you want in life.
When it comes to relationships, there’s one variable I want you to focus on. I want you
to become an expert at noticing this one variable. And I want you to learn how to
manipulate this variable so you can have the relationship you want. Ready?
Okay, here it is:
I want you to become an expert at triggering the right kind of mental movie trailers other
people have playing in their heads.
We are all running mini movies of the future in our mind. People do it automatically all
the time. They don’t practice the skill intentionally. They even take it for granted. Most
never bother to question the super quick movie trailers that pop in and out of their
thoughts all day long.
That’s good news for you! Because it gives you a tremendous advantage when trying to
change the way someone feels about you.
The fact is, no one’s in the director’s chair. No one is controlling the mini-movies that
blip in and out of your man’s mind.
Since no one is directing this movie, you can waltz onto the set and change the course
of the storyline.
And you can do this anytime you want.
Why These Mini Mental Movies Matter So Much
Have you ever received a social invitation and immediately decided you have no desire
to attend?
How does that happen? How is it that you instantly know you don’t want to go?
Simple. In a fraction of a second, you played a mini mental movie of the entire
experience.
Actually, that’s not quite right. It wasn’t the “entire experience”. In reality, it was more
like a movie preview. Just little clips showing the highlights. And like a good movie trailer,
each clip pulled at your emotions.
You saw a super-speed version of what it would be like to accept the invitation. You
pictured yourself feeling bored. You pictured yourself walking back to your car when it
was over, wishing you had spent your free time doing something else.
Your mind created a mini-movie to help you make a decision. It happened lightning fast,
and mostly outside your consciousness. But you were left with a distinct FEELING that
turned you off to the idea.
Your mind is remarkably good at this. It’s the process by which we decide what we want.
If you are a person who struggles with anxiety, you may not love this feature of your
mind. You may prefer to be more like a cat who is blissfully at peace with the present
moment, not concerned about things to come next year, next month, or even tomorrow.
Neuroscientists who study the concept of memory tell us the marvelous ways our minds
encode, store, and retrieve life experiences. As we learn, we generate increasingly
complex and accurate models of the future.
You could say the purpose of our memory is to allow us to predict the future.
If I remember that chocolate cake tastes better when it’s moist, my brain anticipates a
better experience when I choose to eat it now rather than letting it grow stale. However,
if I remember that chocolate cake is my weakness, I may cut the serving in half and put
the other half out of sight to remove the temptation, using better judgment for my
health.
If a large dog chased me on my way home from school as a child, I may still anticipate
negative emotions from the idea of approaching a large dog even twenty years later.
Here’s my point. Memories give us the ability to anticipate what is coming next: pleasure
or pain.
You may not see where this is going yet, but stick with me. These concepts are critical
to understand. They are simple concepts, but things I need to remind you of, to “activate”
your mind so they will be fresh concepts as we dive into the foundational methods of
this course.
Human Motivation
Humans are motivated by many things. But almost all motivation comes down to either
the pursuit of pleasure or the avoidance of pain.
Your ex’s decisions are no different. He is motivated the same way. But how does he
know which decisions to make to pursue pleasure and avoid pain?
Memory.
His memory creates the movie trailers he uses to “see” the future. His brain is an
anticipation machine. It is automatically making judgments about what he should do
next to avoid pain and pursue pleasure.
The reality of your current situation is that the movie trailers his mind is playing are
showing him potential pain or a lack of pleasure in being with you. We’ve got to change
that!
Now for some good news and some bad news.
Bad news first: We cannot go back in time and change his memories.
But the good news: We can alter his feelings about the future without changing
memories from the past. There are certain trigger points that cause people to re-
evaluate old memories in a new light.
Basically, we’re going to change the theme of the mini movies in his head that affect his
feelings about your relationship.
We’re going to change the sound track. Change the lighting. Selectively choose clips that
highlight the fun, exciting adventure he could have if he chooses to make you the most
important person in his future.
Allow me to provide a few examples to get us on the same page. We are talking about
“aha” moments that change his perspective. The memories have not changed, but the
way he SEES them can change dramatically.
Here’s an example from my own experience: I was once hired as a consultant for a
company that provided relationship advice. The owners of the company were highly
complementary toward me. During our work together, my self-esteem began to inflate
considerably because of their frequent recognition of my “unusual talent.”
It was nearly six months later when I discovered their long-term plan to sell me their
entire business (at a highly inflated price). This dramatically shifted my perspective!
Suddenly, I replayed all the discussions about my talents for running such a business. At
the time, I had been surprised they would admit I could run the business as well – if not
better – than they could.
Now, looking back, I see the ego-stroking as false flattery designed to make me want to
buy their business. That eye-opening moment changed my view on our relationship and
the game I was involved in.
I’ll offer another example. Jane Austen’s novel “Pride and Prejudice,” (which has been
made into multiple movies over the years) tells the tale of Elizabeth, a young woman
who can barely stand the sight of Mr. Darcy.
Throughout the story, Elizabeth is under the impression that Mr. Darcy is proud and
selfish. This is based on several reliable things she had seen and heard.
However, at the end of the story, Elizabeth discovers she was wrong. She had
misunderstood the actions and intentions of Mr. Darcy. Suddenly, she recognizes his
true valor and goodness. She sees that he is more interested in the well-being of others
than his own reputation.
In the end, it wasn’t Elizabeth’s memories that changed. It was her understanding that
changed. It shifted in a way that caused her to anticipate great pleasure from being with
Mr. Darcy in an intimate relationship. And of course, they lived happily ever after as a
married couple. 
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It:

Your mission is to tamper with the anticipation machine running in your ex’s mind.
Specifically, your mission is to change the mini movies that play in his mind when he
thinks about spending time with you. You’re going to get those mental trailers to work
in your favor.
There is no other way.
You have no chance of restoring your relationship unless he sees a relationship with
you as a path toward pleasure, absent from any level of pain that would cancel out
that pleasure.
Fortunately, The Relationship Rewrite Method was designed as an answer to this
complicated problem. This system helps you find a way to be the leading lady in his
life. To convince your ex – not only to let you play a part – but to make you his star.
You see, a memory is just a form of anticipation based on past experience. Most
people think of memory in the form of stories to be remembered and shared. That is
what psychologists call “declarative memory.”
But there is another kind of memory called “implicit memory.”
Implicit memory is the kind you use when you get on a bicycle and instinctively
recognize (or remember) how to balance. Implicit memory is not something you can
put into words. You just know how to ride the bicycle.
Declarative memory can be transferred to another person in the form of a story. But
you can’t transfer the implicit memory for how to balance on a bike.
In other words, your ex can tell his friends, “First she did this, then I said that, and then
we got into a big fight.” That’s declarative memory.
Implicit memory cannot be transferred using words. He cannot transfer the memory of
what it feels like to kiss you.
Your job is to change the implicit feel of the mini mental movies that automatically
play when he glances down at his phone and sees your name.
We have to start small and gradually rebuild his gut-level emotional reactions to you.
It’s possible that seeing your number come up on his cell phone causes an instant
twinge of anger mixed with fear and regret. Those are implicit memories triggering the
wrong kind of response.
The fights or strained relationship that led to your breakup may still dominate the
mental movie that plays in his mind when he considers picking up the phone to talk
with you.
We need to change that mental trailer so your name brings the same excited
anticipation Hollywood tries to create with a really cool movie preview. We’re going to
rewire his expectations and help him see a new future with you.
The Meaningful Moment Exercise
Sometimes, memories with similar emotional valence cluster together. By opening the door to one positive
memory, you make it more likely that his mind will drift back to other, similar memories with positive emotional
valence.
This is a simple exercise, but it has tremendous power. Do the work now to ensure you are ready should the
opportunity arise to use it. Your goal is to open a door to a beautiful moment in your ex’s memory.
1. Make a list of the top three emotions you would like to trigger in your ex the next time he thinks about
you.
2. Now try to recall a point from your shared history when he probably felt one of the emotions you listed in
step one.
3. Give yourself a moment to replay that event in your mind’s eye. Remember it vividly with as many senses
as you can (the sights, smells, feelings, sounds). Let the memory wash over you.
4. Now write down a sentence or two you could use to trigger this memory for your ex.
Don’t worry about getting it perfect. Just write it and rewrite it until you feel satisfied with it.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
In case it helps, here are a few sentence starters you can use or modify.
I’m not going to tell you it was perfect, but one of my favorite memories was when we
______________________. I remember feeling _______________________.
This may not stand out in your memory, but do you remember the time when
we______________________________________________? I was so happy when
____________________________________________________.
One memory I’ll always cherish was just a simple moment that was meaningful to me. You
were________________ and I remember feeling _______________.
3
THE POWER OF EXTENDED
TIME HORIZONS
We are launching a campaign to get your ex back. We will outline and put into play a
very strategic set of actions to achieve a specific goal.
Many of our knee-jerk reactions end up making problems worse (like squirting
lemonade in my eye, for example). One of the biggest dangers when trying to get your
ex back is rushing in too quickly. Desperate attempts to change the mini-movies in his
head will only end up making things worse.
The Relationship Rewrite Method will help you prevent this mistake by slowing down
the pace of your approach. Specifically, the mistake we most want to avoid is putting
yourself in the psychological position of “the beggar.”
You do not want your man to perceive you as a beggar. A beggar is someone he can have
back any time he wants.
If he sees you as desperate, he will feel no rush to get back together with you. He may
even decide to play the field for a while since he’s got you in his back pocket. If other
relationships don’t work out he will believe he can always fall back on you. Trust me,
you do not want to be taken for granted.
By slowing down your approach, you can build his anticipation. You can leave him
wanting more in the same way a small taste of delicious ice cream leaves you wanting
more. Or, in the same way a great movie trailer makes you anticipate the full feature.
You see, movie trailers are designed to tease us. They whet our appetite and make us
yearn to know how the story ends.
But here’s a secret.
The reason movie trailers push our emotional hot buttons is not based on the story’s
plot. It’s based on the feeling you anticipate having when you go see the movie. You get
excited to see a movie when the preview influences what you anticipate about the
experience.
That’s why movie clips are carefully chosen. They have that one special quality. They tug
at your emotions. They activate a feeling of something good yet to come. Remember
that, because it’s a core concept we’ll come back to several times in this course.
The key is to keep his “anticipation machine” in mind at all times. Doing so will help you
to find the best next step. When he seems hungry for more of your attention, you will
dole out a little more, but not appear overly eager to give him all he wants.
When he seems satisfied, you will disappear for a few days and let his appetite fully
return before you offer more interaction. This will take serious discipline on your part.
We all know the classic story of the tortoise and the hare. Who wins the race in the end?
It’s the tortoise, who establishes a steady pace he can maintain until the end of the race.
Personally, I always thought that was a stupid fable. Even as a child, I thought, “Going
fast wasn’t the problem. Being impulsive and lazy enough to take a nap was what caused
the hare to lose the race.”
I don’t want you to be slow like the tortoise. I want you to be fast like the hare, but
disciplined like the tortoise. In fact, one of the top energy efficiency coaches in the world,
Jim Lehrer, recommends an approach to energy management that involves swaying
between times of sprinting and times of complete rest.
When you sprint and rest in a disciplined pattern that is designed specifically to win the
race, you won’t be caught sleeping as the tortoise finishes the race.
You will, instead, establish a pattern that can be sustained over time. This pattern is
designed to achieve the greatest distance in the shortest amount of time.
In this course, I will sometimes ask you to sprint. At other times, I will ask you to rest
and recuperation with little attention focused on the man of your desire. It is critical that
you adhere to both the sprinting and the resting. Trying to speed things up will not work
in your favor.
Sometimes haste really does make waste.
Speaker and business consultant, Brian Tracy, taught me an important lesson. He told
me that those who earn the highest salaries are those who have the longest time horizon
in mind when they set out to make money.
He gave the example of physicians who go through college, followed by an additional six
years of medical school and residency before they earn their first dime. In the long run,
these physicians make far more money than their counterparts who took the first job
offered to them upon finishing high school.
Brian Tracy went on to explain that business owners can eventually dwarf the income of
doctors and lawyers, because they carefully invest both time and money in ventures
that will not pay off for years. In fact, the vast majority of self-made millionaires are
small business owners.
These were people who weren’t trying to get rich quick. They were smart and patient
and had a longer time horizon in mind when they set out to design their income and
lifestyle.
I bring up these examples to ensure that you see the value (for you personally) in using
a longer time horizon to your advantage. Your relationships will account for the majority
of the “success” you experience in your life. Your relationships will make or break your
happiness in ways that wealth never could.
So please, heed my advice. Take the action steps that have the greatest odds of success,
rather than the action steps that appeal to your desire for instant gratification. When it
comes to getting your ex back, this is very important.
Lucky People
One of the secrets I have learned about lucky people is they frequently ask for what they
want. The mantra of a lucky person is, “You can’t win the game if you don’t play.”
People with a lucky mindset say there’s no harm in asking for what you want. The worst
that can happen is someone says no.
In his book, “Secrets of Lucky People,” Steve Gilman tells the story of Richard Branson’s
decision to put in an offer on a small island in the British Virgin Islands that was being
sold for 3,000,000 pounds. He couldn’t come close to affording that at the time, but he
made an offer of 150,000 pounds. The owner was offended by this low offer. Richard
Branson and his wife were asked to leave the island immediately.
A few months later Branson received a call from the owner stating he would accept
180,000 pounds for the island. The owner had apparently gotten himself into a position
where he needed cash fast and was willing to sell the island for just 6 percent of the
asking price. Richard Branson was willing to look like a fool and offer what he could
afford to pay for the island, and he ended up getting exactly what he wanted.
The methods we use in this course are designed to make “luck” work in your favor. I’ll
teach you how to watch for the right moment to make your move. You’ll start small,
looking for an opening to get your ex talking to you again. But later, you’ll build toward
higher stakes and a big win.
Here’s one of the strange things about the way the human mind works. We always
evaluate things based on comparison. Our minds are nearly incapable of making
independent judgments about things like beauty, size, height, or distance without some
kind of comparison points. And we can manipulate comparison points to change the way
something seems.
By starting slowly and making small incremental bids for his attention, we can radically
transform the way he interacts with you without any of the changes seeming significant.
This is yet another reason why an extended time horizon can work in your favor. When
you have a longer timeline, you can make gradual changes to the relationship without
triggering any kind of resistance.
Before we move on, I’ll give you just a taste of one situation where a longer time horizon
will work in your favor.
A really powerful compliment can change the mini-movies playing in his head. It changes
the way he predicts the future will unfold with you. I’ll teach you more about that soon.
But for now, let me just show you how slowing down can actually speed you up when it
comes to getting the results you want.
Many people use compliments as a form of flattery. As such, they are pretty weak. But
the right kind of compliment can be very powerful. The right kind of compliment touches
his emotions, but he may never notice the compliment itself.
For example, you stare at his sink with a frown on your face. When he asks you what's
wrong, you look up as if slightly surprised and say, “Oh, well, I guess I was just noticing
how clean your kitchen is.”
This method of delivery allows your compliment to come off as a "clean" compliment
because it seems like he pulled it from you rather than you pushing it onto him. It feels
like you noticed something about him. It does not feel like flattery or manipulation.
Now compare that to a rushed version of the same compliment. You walk into his
kitchen and immediately spin in a circle exclaiming, “Wow! You are such an organized
person! Everything is so clean!”
This delivery feels forced. Your compliment stands out like a sore thumb. He pictures a
whole series of awkward moments like this as you try to push yourself back into his life.
You can do better than that. I’m going to teach you how.
HEURISTICS: WHY
COMPLIMENTS WORK
WHEN OTHER METHODS
FAIL
Do you know what a “heuristic” is? Heuristics are mental shortcuts we use to make
decisions. We pick up these heuristics through hands-on learning and experience from
the time we are children.
For example, maybe you’ve come to believe that when buying an item, the most
expensive choice is always the best quality. Sometimes that heuristic is true. But
sometimes it’s not.
These mental shortcuts impact our decisions even when we’re unaware.
I mean, there just isn’t enough time in each day to fully analyze every decision we have
to make. As a result, our mind resorts to these shortcuts, or heuristics, to speed up our
decision-making. Most of the time, they serve us well.
One type of mental shortcut is called the “effort heuristic.” The effort heuristic causes
people to value things based on the effort it took to obtain them.
For example, a person who makes minimum wage might feel that a hundred dollars
should be carefully budgeted for necessary expenses. But that same person might find
a hundred dollars lying on the ground and feel free to spend the money on a whim.
Why? How could a hundred dollars be any more or less valuable than another hundred
dollars? The answer, of course, is that the “effort heuristic” gives the illusion that one
version of the money is worth more than the other.
Even animals automatically respond to these mental shortcuts. One heuristic story I
found particularly amusing was told in a book called “Influence: The Psychology of
Persuasion” by Robert Cialdini.
In his book, Cialdini describes the unusual behavior of a female turkeys during an
experiment. Researchers attached a stuffed polecat to the end of a stick and made it
approach a mother hen guarding her chicks.
Her response? She viciously attacked the polecat, tearing at it with her claws and
pecking at it with her beak until it was destroyed. (Polecats are carnivores and members
of the weasel family, which hunt, kill, and eat turkeys!)
However, when researchers played the chirping noise of one of her baby chicks from
inside the same stuffed animal, the mother turkey took the polecat under her wing to
protect it. This odd behavior is only explained by maternal instincts – a heuristic so
powerful it could override all the visual clues that this polecat was her enemy and should
be destroyed.
Amusingly, as soon as researchers turned off the chirping sound inside the stuffed
polecat, the turkey immediately resumed her vicious attack. Without the mental
shortcut that triggered her maternal need to protect, her instinct to fight was restored.
Another example of how animals use heuristics comes from the ocean.
If you’ve spent any time watching documentaries, you may have learned about these
small fish that dance in front of predators to gain their cooperation. The predators
suspend their eating instinct to allow these small fish to eat the food left in their teeth.
The small fish get a meal, the large fish get their teeth cleaned.
It’s a nice symbiotic relationship.
What’s fascinating to me is that other fish have learned to mimic this dance. These fraud
fish take advantage of a heuristic response that causes the larger predator to become
immobile with its mouth open.
After the predator suspends its eating instinct, these smaller fish swim inside its mouth,
bite off a patch of the larger fish’s cheek and swallow it. Then they quickly escape before
the predator recovers from its state of partial paralysis. Ouch!
Like these turkeys and fish, we have many triggers that cause us to act instinctively. And
not all these actions make sense. Some of those heuristic triggers will be useful in our
quest to restore the relationship between you and your ex.
One of the most powerful instincts has to do with reciprocity. Reciprocity is an act of
responding in kind. If you treat me with respect, I feel inclined to return the favor. When
you give me a gift, I feel the need to reciprocate.
This instinct is very strong (much stronger than you might realize), and we are going to
talk about that particular trigger and use it as a part of Step One in the “Six Steps To
Getting Your Ex Back”.
For now, I simply want to make sure you have no qualms about tapping into natural
human instincts that trigger emotions. I want you to be comfortable with using
heuristics to your advantage and tapping into the way you ex uses them when he makes
decisions.
Why do I bring this up?
Because you are a caring human being who believes that kind people do not
manipulate others.
Allow me to correct you, because that mental shortcut is simply not true. We manipulate
others every time we interact with them. The difference between kind and unkind
people is the intention behind the manipulation.
I manipulate people all the time. I want to increase their confidence so they will be able
to pursue the things they want out of life. I tap into the heuristics that cause them to
see the value of living a full life. And I do this for their benefit.
The manipulation of our mental shortcuts can be either good or bad depending on the
intention.
Pursuing Joy
I have long been a student of joy. Many of you are as well. You have come to realize one
of the purest and most worthwhile pursuits is finding joy and wonder at the unfolding
life we have been granted.
As a dating and relationship coach, I also have a secondary motive for studying joy. I
have seen firsthand the power of a joyful human spirit in its ability to attract romantic
affection.
Every aspect of your life improves when you actively seek an attitude of wonderment as
joy unfolds in small pockets of time, often unexpectedly, showing up in the midst of our
other pursuits.
And, strangely, even in times of emptiness or pain, life can shift as we begin to see the
world in a new light.
The classic example of these shifts, of course, is the medical patient given six months to
live. This person may suddenly perceive each moment as a miracle and find great joy in
the simplest things, such as a child’s laugh, the busy preparation for a family gathering,
or the burst of rain that thunders down on them before they are under cover.
Joy shows up at unexpected times, but there are some predictable patterns. I am not
the first to notice these patterns, but only a humble representative of those who have
come before me. With that caveat, allow me to remind you of something important:
You can find greater joy in your life by more fully embracing the mysteries of the present
moment as it unfolds.
It is the combination of these two potent ingredients that will bring moments of joy into
your life more often.
1. Pursue joy on purpose.

2. Revel in the present moment.
There is a sense of freedom, energy, and a state of awe and wonder when you fully
embrace being present in the moment. I truly believe others can sense a change in you
when you do this. There is something intoxicating about a person whose mind is not
focused elsewhere, but who can be actively engaged in every moment.
Why are we talking about joy? Because your joy will trigger experiences in your ex.
Your joy is not what he is expecting when you show up in his life again.
He might be expecting you to beg him to come back. He might expect you to express
sadness at the loss of your relationship. He might even be expecting you to “give him a
piece of your mind”.
What he is not expecting is the raw beauty of pure joy as you fully embrace the present
moment in whatever state you find it.
When he experiences you in a state of joyful acceptance of life as it is now, he will not
feel manipulated at all. He will be forced to reevaluate his decision to distance himself
from you, but it won’t feel like anyone else is forcing him to do this.
That’s the amazing thing about these heuristic triggers; it feels as though they are
listening to their own voice and following their own instincts.
So, this is a preamble to the steps we are launching into next.
I want you to understand that all the following steps will be achieved far more easily
when you start with a foundation of joy. This is especially true when it comes to giving
compliments, which is the subject of the rest of this section.
Compliments
A true compliment is the recognition of something good, or beautiful, or desirable we
see in someone else. It is also a trigger that causes certain automatic reactions in
humans.
The goal of a good compliment is for your ex to experience positive emotions without
self-consciousness. If we can achieve that, the natural desire to reciprocate will make
him want to compliment you back.
Here’s where it gets interesting. In order for him to complement you, he has to think
about the things he likes about you.
Think about what you accomplish if you do this right.
1. You create a positive jolt of emotion.

2. This changes the movie trailer playing in his head about how it feels to interact
with you.
3. You trigger him to ask a question that sends his mind roving over all your
wonderful traits.
You made him feel good. Now reciprocity causes him to think of ways to make you feel
good as well.
I’m sure you can see the benefit of this. It’s so much better than arguing, trying to
convince him you were good together.
Imagine waking up to your day with this question: “What do I have to accomplish today?”
You may experience a slight feeling of dread as the list compiles in your mind.
Now imagine starting each day by swinging your feet over the side of the bed, and asking
yourself, “What five things am I grateful for today?”. That question automatically
changes your mindset to one that is joyful and pleasant.
The difference between these two questions can be remarkable. Your mood can change
based on the questions you ask yourself.
The mind reacts automatically to questions by searching for the answer. That’s why a
compliment is a powerful, yet subtle, way of triggering a mental search for things he
likes about you, appreciates about you, or finds beautiful about you.
This is just the beginning, but I present this concept to you now, so you will fully
understand. Old habits of interaction and negative past experiences can be overcome.
THE SIX STEPS TO
WINNING BACK
HIS HEART
Step One: Turn Him Around with the Power of

Reciprocity
Reciprocity is a powerful human instinct. When someone goes out of their way to do
something kind for us, we feel compelled to return the favor in some way.
Even when you know someone is manipulating you with the power of reciprocity, it is
still difficult not to comply with your instinct to return the favor.
I have spent much time in Third World countries where handmade trinkets are sold to
tourists and other foreigners. Some of the sellers can be quite pushy when they see a
foreigner who seems to have money.
Not long ago, I was visiting a resort in the Dominican Republic. There I witnessed one of
the most common and effective forms of using the power of reciprocity to make a sale.
We passed a vendor’s homemade table at the edge of the beach where I was taking a
walk with my friend. I did not make eye contact with the salesman or glance at his goods
because I knew this would encourage him to sell more aggressively and follow us down
the beach for a way before giving up.
I had no intention of buying anything from him. I just wanted to take a nice walk.
But here’s how he overcame my resistance. He approached the woman who was walking
with me and gave her a necklace. It was obviously something he had mass-produced as
I could see a whole box full of these same necklaces on his table.
Only moments earlier my friend had agreed we would not give in to the salesman’s bid
for our attention. As soon as that necklace was around her neck and he refused to take
it back from her, she said, “Oh, let’s just take a look at what he has.”
She couldn’t resist the need to reciprocate his kind gesture. It would have felt rude to
continue walking after this stranger - who had far less money than she did – gave her a
gift. Sure enough, we ended up purchasing two more items from the peddler’s table.
The Hare Krishna followers have made this method work for them as well. They are a
small religious sect that grew tremendously through financial donations from people
who do not even share their faith.
Their method? The Reciprocation Principle.
They showed up at airports and other crowded locations donning brightly colored robes
and shaved heads. They gave a single flower to those passing by, and made no request
for a donation - despite carrying an obvious receptacle to receive donations.
If you watched carefully, you would see many people shake their heads and hold up
their palms to decline the free flower. Yet the vast majority of these same people ended
up giving them money anyway, after the Hare Krishna representative would not let them
refuse the flower.
Even though they did not want the flower, when they accepted a gesture of kindness,
they felt compelled to reciprocate. The urge is very strong. We feel uncomfortable living
in someone else’s debt. We feel the need to even the playing field.
We are going to use the power of reciprocation in a unique way. We’re going to connect
it to a gift that cannot be rejected. I’m talking about compliments.
Unlike a flower, a compliment cannot be refused. As soon as a compliment is said aloud,

it has been received – even if the recipient humbly refuses to acknowledge the truth in
your praise.
Before we deal with how to deliver a compliment the right way, we need to first discuss
how you are going to get the attention of your ex-lover.
How to Get His Attention

Capturing his attention is like unlocking a series of doors to reach your ultimate goal.
Which set of doors you need to unlock will depend on the circumstances of your current
relationship, and also on the reasons why the relationship fell apart.
Let’s start with the most common scenario. Both parties became temporarily
disheartened and frustrated before getting into an argument. This argument led to the
split. It is very likely under these circumstances that both partners have some healing to
do.
Since you want to get back together with him now, there’s a good chance you have
already resolved much of your own frustration. However, he may still be holding onto
anger or resentment about things that were said or done.
When this is the case, the first door you must unlock is the door with the sign that reads,
“Stubbornness.” I’m talking about his stubbornness.
It always feels awkward to be civil to someone when your last interaction was an
argument. The only way to break down that barrier is to use the incredible power of
humility.
A humble approach makes it nearly impossible for a person to throw stones at you.
Even the worst crimes in the world seem different to a jury when the defendant humbly
acknowledges his actions as mistakes he regrets. On the other hand, even a minor
offense can raise the scorn of a jury when a defendant seems to think himself above the
law.
I’m not asking you to hang your head and claim responsibility for everything. Rather, I
am pointing out the importance of a humble attitude when approaching a man who is
stuck in the trap of stubbornness.
One thing I need to point out is this: You are not trying to change his mind about the
relationship during this first interaction.
You are trying to achieve one thing only. You are trying to break the ice by melting his
heart just enough so he will feel comfortable conversing with you again.
You are trying ever-so-slightly to adjust the mini-movies he plays about you in his mind.
A humble attitude helps a great deal in achieving that goal.
Whether you choose to text, e-mail, call, or show up in person, he will be able to sense
your attitude within three seconds. Don’t downplay the argument or pretend it didn’t
happen. Instead, allow your word choices to show your desire to make up.
Let your verbal and nonverbal communication make it clear that your only goal is to
treat him well. This will calm his fear that you are trying to get him to admit he was
wrong.
What should you talk about? It doesn’t really matter – so long as the overall tone of your
message conveys compassion and gentle caring. It’s even okay to say the reason you
called is, “Just to say hi.”
When You Ended on Good Terms

If you ended on good terms, your job is easier. Your first contact should convey three
things:
1. He still matters to you, whether or not you ever get back together.
2. You find yourself thinking about him.
3. You want to know what’s going on in his life.
Go over these three points and be sure you don’t miss them. These are the messages
you want him to know, whether you say them out loud or just imply them by your
actions. These messages are the key to unlock a series of future conversations.
We all want to matter.

It feels good when someone tells us we are still important to them. There’s nothing
pushy or demanding about that statement. It simply conveys a very personal and
powerful message of warmth.
When you casually mention that you find yourself thinking about him from time to time,
it reinforces the fact that he still matters to you.
It connects you to him in a way that is hard for him to ignore. He hears that his life
influences your thoughts. In a very subtle way, this will cause him to feel a sense of
responsibility for the way he treats you.
Demonstrate the desire to know what’s going on with his life before you verbalize any
desire to get back together.
If you care about him as a person, he will feel deeply moved. However, if you open by
telling him you want to get back together, he may be suspicious that your interest in his
life is nothing more than a way to manipulate him.
You will eventually express your interest in rekindling the relationship, but the timing
and sequence is essential.
Now It Is Time to Use the Power of Reciprocity
After you have established contact, it is time to start changing his mental movies in your
favor, helping him want more of you in his life. We are going to accomplish that by doing
two things:
1. Giving him warm fuzzy feelings every time he interacts with you.
2. Gradually shifting his behavior (using a special kind of compliment) so he opens
up to you more and tries to treat you exceptionally well.
There is a psychological phenomenon called the “foot-in-the-door technique,” which
has a profound impact on human behavior. Basically, this technique causes people to be
willing to change in a big way when they have first agreed to change in a small way.
There is a classic research experiment you may know, but I’ll spare you the details and
just tell you the most interesting part of the study.
Researchers entered several large neighborhoods and asked people to participate in a

campaign to get drivers to slow down and follow the neighborhood speed limit. These
researchers went door to door, asking homeowners if they would place an enormous,
ugly sign on their front lawn that read, “Drive carefully.”
Under normal circumstances, virtually nobody would agree to this. The researchers,
however, did something tricky. They used the foot-in-the-door technique. They first
asked half of the homeowners to place a very small sign in the window of their house
that said, “Be a safe driver.”
Surprisingly, 76 percent of those who put the small sign in their window then agreed to
the enormous ugly sign on their lawn! Of those approached only about the large sign, a
mere 17 percent agreed to the sign in their yard.
This vast difference was caused by the foot-in-the-door technique.
It’s a simple matter of persuasion that comes down to the fact that people like to be
consistent. Once we head a certain direction, it becomes far more likely that we will
continue in the same direction, regardless of the requests.
Here are some common examples of the foot-in-the-door technique in action:
 "Can I go over to Jessica’s house for an hour?" followed by "Can I stay the
night?"
 "May I turn in my research paper a couple hours late?" followed by "May I turn
it in next week as long as it’s in before Wednesday?"
So, here’s the idea:
We get your man to respond to your compliments by giving you a few compliments of
his own. It will be hard for him to resist because of the power of reciprocation. When all
you do is show him kindness and plant a few well-timed compliments, he will find
himself complimenting you back.
But here comes the real magic!
When you use compliments the right way, you can influence his behavior in a way that
he begins to make concessions, such as spending time with you and treating you well. It
starts happening automatically because of your approach.
The foot-in-the-door phenomenon makes it difficult for him to refuse small requests
that gradually bring you back into his life. There’s almost nothing that can prevent this
from working as long as you do not revert to any of the negative patterns that drove the
two of you apart in the first place.
The psychological principles upon which this method is based are so powerful that he
will go along with it even if he eventually realizes you are reeling him in.
In the book “Influence,” by Cialdini, the author relates a personal story of being
influenced by the reciprocity instinct.
He was approached by a Boy Scout selling tickets to a fundraiser event. The boy asked if
he would support the local Boy Scout troop by purchasing tickets. Cialdini had absolutely
no desire to attend, so he declined to buy any tickets.
The boy persisted, but with a change of plans. He pulled out a box of chocolate bars,
also being sold to raise money for the Boy Scouts, and convinced Cialdini to buy three
chocolate bars (which he does not even like) at an inflated price.
As he walked away from the encounter, he found himself fascinated at the ability of a
boy to influence a scientist – especially one who studies the psychology of influence.
Discussing this with his team of researchers, he concluded the boy had influenced him
through the power of reciprocity.
But what was he reciprocating? After all, the boy did not give him anything, right?
The answer is that he was reciprocating a concession. The Boy Scout’s concession was
giving up on selling a ticket. Feeling relieved by this, Cialdini felt he needed to
reciprocate by making a concession of his own. Cialdini’s concession was buying three
of the chocolate bars.
This is just one example, yet it demonstrates how powerful this psychological force can
be. It impacts our daily interactions with strangers, family members, and romantic
partners.
Now let me show you how to use this information on your ex.
Are you ready?
Okay, here we go… I want you to confess one way your behavior prevented the
relationship from being the very best it could be.
I want you to overemphasize the extent of your fault just a little. Exaggerate your
admission of guilt just enough to seem like you are taking more responsibility than you
really need to.
Why would I ask you to exaggerate the extent of your own responsibility?
Because it is a concession. Your ex will feel the urge to reciprocate by owning up to his
own shortcomings and mistakes.
On top of that, by exaggerating just a little, you diffuse his defensiveness. If anything, he
will feel a need to come to your defense, “Oh, come on. You weren’t that bad! We were
both under a lot of stress.”
Let’s review.
Step One involves breaking the ice so that you can communicate again.
Step Two involves a confession regarding something you could have done better.
Choose anything you can think of (no matter how small) and admit to the ways you were
not perfect.
These action steps will change the mini-movies playing in his mind each time he thinks
about you. You are changing the underlying emotion that directs the type of movie
trailers playing in his thoughts.
Don’t hold your breath and wait for him to confess guilt. If he doesn’t, move forward.
You can come back to an expression of remorse again at a later point in the conversation
or even the next encounter.
Almost all men will respond with a confession of their own by the second or third time
you take ownership for your part in the way things went.
Here’s what you should do when he owns up to any small (or large) mistake of his own.
Do not thank him for admitting he was wrong. Instead, act like what he said was, “I want
to put this behind us so we can connect again.”
This means your actual response is to keep moving forward with the conversation rather
than reflecting on what he said. You might invite him to a gathering or change the
subject to some common interest.
This key point is important to get right.
As soon as he makes a concession, move the conversation forward. If you don’t, things
could become awkward or quickly deteriorate into an argument.
You do not want to dwell on arguments from the past. You simply want a quick
concession from both parties. This leaves him with a good feeling that will generate
positive emotions. This is what begins to rewire his “anticipation machine.”
It changes the movie trailer about a possible future together.
That’s all there is to Step One. It’s simple once you understand the components involved.
There are only a few, but I want to make sure you understand each one so you can see
how they fit into the overall formula. The formula itself is rather simple.
Again, here are the components, followed by the formula:
Contact: Convey the message that he still matters to you and that you are
interested in what is happening in his life. That’s the only reason you are reaching
out to him. You care.
The Reciprocation Principle: The unique human trait that compels us to give
something in return when we have received a gesture of goodwill from someone
else.
Concession: You give up something as a gesture of goodwill toward the goal of

finding common ground or compromise. You “concede” something.
The Formula: You make contact that is no pressure. You only contact him out of
interest and curiosity about his unfolding life story. On the second or third
contact (separated by at least two days), you confess your part in the relationship
deteriorating. You then allow the reciprocation compulsion to do the rest of the
work.
This step breaks the ice, preparing the way for Step Two.
A concession settles nerves that may be on edge. It relieves any leftover guilt or need to
“clear the air” – things that are blocking relaxed and open emotional connection. This is
an important aspect of the Mental Movie Trailer Method. Settle those nerves first to
ensure your success with the next steps in this process.
Step Two: Use Compliments to Open New Pathways of
Communication and Gradually Shape His Behavior
Only a few people can receive a direct compliment without feeling a little awkward. This
is especially true for men.
Indirect compliments are different. Everyone feels great when they receive an indirect
compliment.
What’s the difference? A direct compliment involves looking someone in the eye and
speaking praise about them or about something they’ve done. The sentence ends when
the compliment is delivered, and there is a pause to see what the person who has been
complimented will say in response.
An indirect compliment is different. It appears and disappears without any demand for
response. It is presented as part of something else, almost as an aside rather than the
main point.
Both kinds of compliments are acceptable, but you should start with indirect
compliments until a greater level of intimacy is achieved (or reestablished).
Direct compliments have their place, but they will feel forced when you are trying to
rekindle your relationship.
The Best that He Can Be

I want to teach you how to give compliments with integrity. Your compliments are not
meant for personal gain. They are not to be manipulative. Rather, they are designed for
mutual gain, meaning everyone wins.
The great thing about compliments is they bring out the best in others. You’re not trying
to transform your ex into someone he is not. You are trying to draw out the best in him.
You can’t force a person to become more than they are. Consequently, you are not
trying to change who he is. You are simply revealing positive qualities that will allow
your relationship to flourish.
Beauty may be only skin deep, but relationships are not. When you attract a man
through well-crafted compliments, you tap into the fact that his self-esteem is deeply
rooted in the way he define himself. It also defines his relationship with others.
You see, self-esteem is not just how we feel about ourselves. It’s about how we feel in
the context of relationship with others.
Allow me to explain.
Much of how we unconsciously define ourselves comes down to “we” rather than “I.”
I can tell you I am trustworthy and strong, but those qualities only take on meaning
within the context of my relationships.
If I take pride in my strength, but I live on a deserted island, I have no one to compare
myself to when I face inevitable hardships. As a result, my sense of emotional and
physical strength begins to erode. There’s no one with whom to compare myself. Theirs
is also no one complimenting me on the way I persisted at catching fish, even though I
was tired and my back ached.
But if I have a small family living with me on that deserted island, my strength becomes
meaningful at a deeper level when I return home with the fish. The thankfulness and
relief I see in my family’s eyes gives me a richer sensation of pride. Their thankfulness
builds my emotional and physical strength, and reinforces my identity as one who
endures to overcome hardship.
Here’s the point.
A man can become attracted to you because he is attracted to the version of himself
he sees in your eyes, reflected in your perception of him.
Our self-esteem is not a static thing. It changes based on the social context in which we
find ourselves. One group of friends might make me feel likable and funny, while
another group could make me feel small and insignificant.
Which group of friends would you guess I gravitate toward?
In college, I had a friend who grew up in a small, isolated Colorado town perched in a
valley between the mountains. There were only eight people in her graduating high
school class. She was the smartest person in her class. She was the captain of the
volleyball team. Everyone in town seemed to know her.
When I met her as a freshman in college, I was impressed with her. I thought she was a
really neat person. Her self-esteem was strong, and she had a good head on her
shoulders.
But after a few months, she expressed discontentment. Her self-concept was changing
to reflect her new surroundings. She no longer felt looked up to as a leader. This
bothered her. She didn’t know how to define herself now that she wasn’t the best at
everything.
Thankfully, she adapted to this new situation over time. She found her niche and learned
to enjoy the challenges of swimming in a bigger pond. However, the journey wasn’t easy.
There were times she considered going home rather than pushing on.
This is a simple example how our self-concept is shaped by our relationships.
Your goal is to create an open space he can step into.
Your goal is to create open space he feels attracted to.
Your goal is to invite him into a relationship with you, which means stepping into a
version of himself he really likes.
You’re not forcing anything. You’re simply providing an alternative way he can perceive
himself. Conveniently, that self-perception is being offered in the context of relationship
with you.
Are you beginning to understand the power of this method? Is it starting to click?
I hope so, because once you see the underlying formula, you will see all kinds of unique
ways to use these concepts.
Now it’s time for some training on the nitty-gritty of giving compliments. You need the
ability to give lots of indirect praise. Compliments that naturally bring out positive
emotions in your ex, making him enjoy the person he feels himself becoming each time
he interacts with you.
You need to be able to deliver these compliments with the right ratio of feel-good
compliments to invitation compliments.
Invitation compliments are the ones that create an open space. They are words that
change his behavior when he is ready to rise to the challenge of becoming the man you
are suggesting he is.
It’s human nature for him to want to avoid disappointing you. He will rise to challenges
if you offer them in the form of compliments that only require slight adjustments. Those
slight adjustments will add up to rapid changes.
Start with This

To get started, you need to decide which kind of change you want to see in your
relationship. Which is most critical for your unique relationship situation? Consider
these options:
1. For him to choose more responsible and noble ways of treating you and others.
2. For him to feel proud of the relationship he built with you in the past.
3. For him to be more conscious of the relationship future he is building for
himself.
4. For him to be a better listener, becoming increasingly interested in you as a
person of significance in his life right.
5. For him to be a leader in your shared relationship, taking charge of moving it
forward toward its highest potential.
If there are no extenuating circumstances, I recommend you pursue the five goals
outlined above in the order I have presented them. When you read through them again,
you will recognize the reason I have carefully chosen these goals and placed them in this
particular order.
This guideline will ensure you know where to start and what to do next. It’s natural for
these goals to overlap as you work on them.
For example, if he is already responsible and caring, you can skip the first goal and get
to work on the second goal. If the third goal has already been reached, but not the first
two, you would start with the first two goals, skip the third, then move on to the fourth
once you reach that point.
By causing him to adopt these characteristics – these intentions – you will systematically
build all of the necessary components for restoring a beautiful relationship. Only the
first goal requires much explanation. Nonetheless, I will go through each one briefly to
ensure you understand the purpose.
The Five Goals

1. Make him choose more responsible and noble ways of treating you and others.
The first goal is to compliment him in ways that make him strive to be more noble and
responsible in the way he treats you and others.
This goal is important in situations where he simply does not return phone calls or
promises to help you with something then doesn’t show up. Essentially, this goal is
focused on forming a necessary foundation for him to treat you like a human being who
deserves his full attention and respect.
2. Make him feel proud of the relationship he built with you in the past.
The second goal is to compliment him on the part he played in developing a relationship
that had great qualities when the two of you were still together.
You want him to take ownership for making that relationship enjoyable for both of you.
After all, why would you want back into the relationship unless you had been enjoying
it?
As you compliment him indirectly through discussing your shared past, he will begin to
appreciate what the two of you had. This will build his self-esteem. He will see you as a
person who recognizes his positive qualities. He will begin to see the open space
available next to you. He might even start to consider stepping back into that open space.
3. Make him more conscious of the relationship future he is building for himself.
The third goal is to make him more conscious of the relationship future he is building for
himself.
This is purposely vague. Just like the first goal, you don’t want to give away the fact that
you have a hidden agenda. You don’t want your compliments to seem like they are all
about getting him to treat you well or to see how great his future could be with you in
it.
Rather, you want to start out with generalities so he accepts your compliments and does
not dismiss them as simply your bid to get what you want.
By getting him to think about his future and about the positive experiences he had in
your relationship, you are setting the stage for commitment.
You will strive to become the person with whom he shares his hopes and dreams about
the future. You will use indirect compliments about the way he shares with you, which
will encourage him to talk more openly about the future.
Because you are listening to his desires and making him more focused on relationships,
you will have a front row seat to his mental movie trailers that show what he wants. All
at once, you will overcome his male tendency to block out serious contemplation of the
way relationships will influence future happiness.
4. Make him a better listener who is becoming increasingly interested in you as a

person of significance in his life right now.
With the fourth goal, you are trying to get him to rise to the challenge of seeing himself
as a good listener and a good friend. You will encourage him to show interest in you as
someone who is increasingly becoming a bigger part of his life.
When he tries to maintain the impression of being a good listener, he will actually
become a better listener, especially when interacting with you.
This has multiple advantages.
The main advantage is getting him to act like a boyfriend before either of you have
committed to get back together. It’s human nature to have emotions and thoughts that
follow our behavior.
You are building a positive relationship no matter what happens next. But more often
than not, if you get him to act like your boyfriend, he will start to feel that special
possessive kind of relationship with you.
5. Make him want to be a leader in your shared relationship, taking charge of

moving it forward toward its highest potential.
The fifth goal may unfold naturally without any intervention from you. Many times, you
can speed up the reconciliation process - rekindle that old flame - by getting him to step
into a leadership role in the relationship.
The fifth goal is to make him act like a leader and take charge of moving the relationship
forward toward its highest potential.
With this goal, you are bypassing a very common problem in relationships between men
and women. Men feel comfortable with the relationship status quo. The never take that
last step to solidify a commitment or discuss where the relationship is going. By using
small compliments, you will challenge him to meet the high expectations you hold for
him. You will entice him to take on a leadership role in discussing what you both want
and where the relationship is going.
How to Control Behavior with Compliments

You may be wondering how you can get a person to change dramatically using nothing
but compliments. You may have even figured it out on your own, but I don’t want to
leave you guessing.
I have already explained most of the underlying psychological forces at work here, but
there are a few basic details we need to cover. These details have to do with how you
find compliments that don’t seem forced, how you deliver these compliments, and how
to develop compliments that compel him to change.
All of this is fairly easy to understand with the help of some examples.
Example One
Here is an example to show you exactly how it’s done.
Jessica is working on goal number four: “Make him a better listener, someone who is
becoming increasingly interested in you as a person of significance in his life right now.”
Tom has already started to treat her with respect. He talks to her about issues that relate
to his future. He has come to value the romantic relationship they used to have.
They are both in their mid-forties with well-established careers. Tom has school-aged
children. Jessica has one son who just left for college.
Before we dive into the example, do you remember what Jessica is trying to accomplish
with the compliments she is about to deliver? Yes – she is trying to make him a better
listener who is becoming increasingly interested in her.
Here we go.
Jessica has just walked into Tom’s backyard where she was invited to join friends for a
Sunday afternoon barbecue. Jessica purposefully arrives a little early, hoping to get a
few moments of Tom’s attention before many others arrive.
Tom welcomes her while continuing to clean the grill. He attempts to make small talk
while scraping the grill with a wire brush. He asks Jessica if she has heard from her son
lately. He probably doesn’t really care. He’s just making small talk since she is standing
there holding the two bags of chips she brought.
In response to his question about her son, Jessica embeds a compliment, “Thanks for
asking. He seems to be doing really well and enjoying his newfound freedom right now.
I don’t think all the work of his courses has really set in yet, so it probably just feels like
a vacation to him. You’re good at remembering the details of people’s lives. I had
forgotten I even told you he had started college. I sometimes think you have a sixth
sense when you zero in on something that’s been weighing on my heart. It looks like you
chose a good day for the barbecue. We lucked out with good weather.”
The compliment was clear as day, wasn’t it? Yet she did not wait for him to acknowledge
the compliment. She changed the subject as soon as the words were out of her mouth.
He didn’t actually realize she might be feeling heaviness in her heart about her son going
away to college. But she believes Tom is capable of that kind of insight, so she provided
a leading edge to inspire him.
Her compliment will cause him to want to live up to the expectations she has for him.
The next time she shares something personal, she will solidify his desire to become the
man she believes he is. She will do this by sharing something personal and close to her
heart and then making a comment like, “I’m only telling you this because you’re one of
the few people I know who remembers when I share something personal.”
With this “expectation-compliment,” she is not only reminding him of the earlier
compliment, but reinforcing the idea that he should pay attention to what she is saying
so he can remember to ask her about it later.
People want to hold onto a positive reputation, even if they did very little to gain that
positive reputation.
Whatever Jessica shared with him has now been charged with emotion. Tom has a little
fear that he may forget to ask her about it when he sees her again. He doesn’t want to
experience the “loss of face,” so the memory for what she just shared will stick with him
easier. This is because memories charged with emotions are recalled with little effort.
Jessica has begun to alter the mini-movies playing in Tom’s head. He now projects a
future in which he remembers things she is saying, and asks follow-up questions about
them next time he sees her.
Guess what happens the next time Tom and Jessica interact?
Exactly; Tom will go out of his way to ask Jessica about the things she shared with him
just before leaving the barbecue that day. This provides her another opportunity to
compliment him, but she won’t just repeat the same compliment as before. Rather, she
will raise the bar just slightly. She will hint at something more personal.
Instead of just saying Tom is good at remembering things and caring about people in
general, she will imply that he is starting to make her feel good because of the way he
pays attention to her in particular.
It may or may not be true that he is paying attention to her in particular, but recognizing
his compassion will draw it out of him. She will be creating open space that is tempting
and easy to step into. He will like the version of himself she sees, and that will create a
powerful magnetic attraction toward the space she has created for him to fill.
Example Two
This example targets the most difficult of the five goals: goal number two, that he will
value the relationship he previously built with you. We will again use Jessica and Tom
for this example, but go back to an earlier point in their interactions.
Tom is not yet to the point of inviting Jessica to interact with him. He is treating her with
respect and now considers her a friend, but he doesn’t see the relationship they had as
a positive one.
Here we go.
Jessica remembers that Tom gets off late on Tuesday nights. He heads home in his truck
around 8:30 p.m. She texts him: “I was just walking to the living room with a bowl of
popcorn in my hand and happened to notice the time. It popped into my head that you
must be just getting home right about now. I hope you have a relaxing evening. You
deserve it after a long day of work!”
Tom walks into his dark house, drops his keys on the kitchen counter, and checks the
message he just heard on his cell phone. He is indifferent about receiving a text from
Jessica but feels a competitive drive to prove he can one-up her by remembering what
she does on Tuesday nights.
Here’s Tom’s text reply, “Yeah, and you were usually watching that show on Tuesday
nights. What was it called? So You Think You Can Dance or something like that?”
What should Jessica do next?
Remember, her goal is to get him to value the relationship he helped build. How should
she use a compliment to help him remember the good things about the relationship?
Jessica decides on this response, “I loved that show! But that’s not what I’m doing
tonight. Just popcorn and reading a book.”
Tom replies a few minutes later when he gets out of the shower, “And texting your ex
about your random thoughts.”
Jessica leaves him with one final message, “It wasn’t just a random thought. It was a
positive thought. I enjoyed a lot of things about our relationship.”
Do you see the embedded message?
It’s not all that covert, but it doesn’t need to be in this case. She referenced something
he was saying, she didn’t just come up with a compliment out of the blue. She
commented on his response, putting a positive spin on it.
The embedded message is essentially this: “Thinking of you was a positive thought. You
are not just a random stranger to me. Our shared relationship had enjoyable elements.”
There is nothing dramatic here. When you’re starting out, that’s the point! You don’t
want to move too fast; otherwise everything seems weird and awkward. Start with
gentle compliments like this one.
Later on, Jessica will return to these messages. Before texting him, she will spend some
time thinking about the ways he invested in their relationship. She will then use one of
those concepts in the context of telling him that he was responsible for creating positive
and memorable experiences.
Three days after her previous text, Jessica sends this message, “I see the St. Louis Rams
are in the playoffs Sunday night. You must be happy about that.”
Tom replies, “You know me well.”
Jessica responds, “You worked hard to get to know the real me, and you made it easy to
get to know the real you when we were together. That even made simple things with
you enjoyable – like taking a walk. I always appreciated how you invested in people… by
being the real you, I mean. Have a great night.”
Tom was not emotionally invested in having a relationship discussion when he replied,
“You know me well.” He was just responding to a text with the minimal energy you
would expect from a man who does not have any intention of building a relationship.
However, Jessica used his neutral comment as an opening to discuss the fact that she
does know him well.
She went on to remind him of the value of knowing each other well. She implied that he
“worked hard” so that the two of them could have a relaxed and open relationship with
each other.
This compliment opens a space for his mind to move into.
What space has she created with her compliment? She has created a version of the past
that feels like this in his mind: “I worked hard and created something valuable when I
spent time with Jessica.”
Can you see the mental movie changing?
He can mentally reject her compliment, thinking he did not work hard and never really
cared that much, but it would be unnatural for the human mind to reject someone else’s
interpretation of something as subjective as a relationship.
When someone takes an intangible thing like a relationship and suggests you created a
positive experience for others, the mind’s tendency will be to take the path of least
resistance. You will accept the compliment as truth. In so doing, his mind begins to travel
the path toward valuing the relationship he helped to build.
How to Make Compliments Sound Natural

Now, we aregoing to upgrade your skills for getting him to draw a compliment out of
you that feels natural rather than forced.
You will generally need to think of your compliments ahead of time. The problem is that
it can sound forced when you try to deliver the compliment outside of a natural context.
This section is designed to overcome that problem.
First of all, relax. Straining to reach a goal never helps you reach it faster. But you can’t
just will yourself to relax. Instead, you have to practice “defusing from the goal.” This
means you accept the present as it is, rather than trying to force the future to comply
with your will.
The best way to accomplish this is to stay fully focused on the present moment. Try to
appreciate the present circumstances for what they are, not for what you wish they
were.
Taking this first step of embracing “what is,” rather than straining for “what might be,”
will automatically cause you to relax. And a more relaxed you will be more “natural” as
you interact with your ex.
Will you still be hoping for good outcomes when you deliver compliments? Yes, of
course. But, the shift in your attention (from the future to the present) will cause you to
be calm. It will also allow you to focus more of your concentration on crafting a good
compliment when the opportunity arises (or when you create the opportunity).
One more tip about the psychology of relaxing. It helps you accept any nervousness you
feel.
When you “allow” your emotions to do what they will, you resist them less. When you
get all worked up about the fact that you are feeling anxious, it just makes you more
anxious.
Say to yourself, “Well, I’m anxious. I wish I wasn’t, but since I am, I might as well accept
the fact and refocus my willpower on connecting with this man.”
Psychologists have recently invented a new form of cognitive therapy called

“Acceptance and Commitment Therapy,” or “ACT” for short. The ACT research shows
that patients heal and live fuller lives when they accept emotions (like anxiety) rather
than resisting them.
It’s as if our level of suffering goes up when we resist emotions and our suffering goes
down when we allow the emotions to be what they are.
Try to adopt this wisdom. When you find yourself tense about where your relationship
is going, accept your tension and anxiety. Don’t try to make it disappear. Instead, turn
your attention to things you can control.
Now that you’ve relaxed, let’s discuss the best method for delivering powerful
compliments. Compliments that have the ability to change the theme of his mental
movie trailers about you. When you change those, you change his willingness to pull you
into his life.
My Secret Sauce
I alluded to this method earlier, but it is so important. Pay close attention to this section
even if you already think you have grasped the idea.
When you deliver a compliment, it is much more effective if he draws it out of you.
Plan what you want to say, then shift your actions and conversation in such a way as to
pull a predictable question from him. When he asks his question, you slow down, hold
his attention, and then deliver your compliment for maximum impact.
Here’s one way it could unfold: you are chatting away at your usual pace of speech when
suddenly you break eye contact with him, turn your palm upward, and stare at it. He
asks, “What?” and you say, “Nothing… I just… Oh, you probably already know.”
He says, “Know what? Tell me what you were thinking.” You say, “It just struck me that
you have a gentlemanly way about you. You can act silly and you can act gruff, but I was
just noticing that you actually go out of your way to be respectful and kind. I don’t know
why I’m going on about it except that you asked.”
The effect of this sequence is predictable. You have a compliment ready to go. You do
something so he will ask what you are thinking. You deliver the compliment, almost
reluctantly. The compliment is designed to shape his behavior by pointing the direction
to an “open space” that he can accept and step into if he chooses.
Will he verbally accept this compliment? Probably not, but you can bet it will have the
intended effect nonetheless.
He may ask, “Why would you say that just now? I wasn’t doing anything unusual. And I
think my buddies would say you are crazy for calling me gentlemanly or whatever.”
To which you reply, “See? That’s just it. You don’t even realize you are doing it. It’s gentle
warmth or something, and you don’t recognize it. Maybe because it’s just you.”
What If He Gets a Big Head?

When someone pays you a compliment, does it go to your head? No. If anything, you
feel obliged to live up to the good impression you made. You feel good about who you
are when you’re in the presence of a person who consistently sees the best in you.
If your man has a healthy self-esteem, he won’t let your compliments feed his ego or
inflate his head. He will recognize the gap between his real self and the slightly idealized
person you see in him. He will feel drawn to step up and be the man you believe in.
If you tell him he is a sexy stud-muffin and all the women in town drool whenever he
walks by, that might be asking for trouble. But that’s not the kind of compliment you are
giving. You are giving gentle promptings toward attitudes and actions that will again
allow a healthy relationship to bloom between the two of you.
Step Three: Use the Power of Story to Touch His

Emotions
“Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”
~ Chinese proverb
Step One and Step Two take the longest. The next four steps for getting your ex back
will unfold quickly.
You are doing great to get this far. If you only learned the first two steps from this
relationship course, you would already have enough information to give yourself a
tremendous advantage in winning your ex back.
In this section, we’re going to discuss a simple, yet highly effective, way to change how
you star in the movie previews playing in his mind.
The human brain is wired for story.
Lisa Cron, a highly-acclaimed writer, wrote an entire book on the subject. Hailed as a
“story guru,” Cron has explored the brain science behind the power of stories. She
teaches other writers how to hook the human mind from the very first sentence. There
is something special about how a story causes the human mind to pay attention.
Cron proposes that from the earliest times, humans have transferred information
primarily through story. Stories are so memorable they can be used to transfer wisdom
and knowledge from one generation to the next.
Stories prevent humans from making the same mistakes as those who came before
them. Stories also shed light on the way humans persevere and succeed in various
circumstances. Perhaps the most powerful way a story can be used is as a tool for
changing someone’s opinion.
Stories don’t require effort to pay attention. Our minds are designed for stories. We
naturally focus when someone transfers information to us in the narrative form.
In Paul Smith’s book, “Lead with a Story,” he makes the case that business leaders can
“captivate, convince, and inspire” using stories in the workplace.
Smith relays hundreds of instances about influencing the minds of others by telling a
simple story instead of relaying facts and information.
Smith and Cron have recognized the power of stories to transfer knowledge.
But here’s what I want you to understand. Stories make it easier for you to influence
people. They are more effective than trying to convince people with arguments, logic,
facts, or begging.
I have experienced this firsthand.
I once attended a fundraising event for people living in the impoverished nation of
Burkina Faso. I was unmoved by the statistics presented on how many children go
hungry and how many families lack the basic necessities for good health. Then the
presenter told the story of two little girls who had been struggling together to survive
the hardship of their lives, I was suddenly hooked.
I understood their plight on an emotional level. I immediately cared enough to take out
my wallet and sacrifice what I could to help with the relief efforts.
Think for a moment about the variables of a court case. Think of all the factors that
determine if a defendant will be found guilty or innocent by jurors in a trial. Experts work
diligently to narrow down the list of variables to those that will have the most powerful
influence on the outcome of the trials.
Can you guess the number one factor that influences the jury’s final opinion of a
defendant?
Experts tell us it’s not the facts of the case. They say it’s not the evidence presented.
Rather, it comes down to who tells the most believable story. If jury members can
picture themselves in a vivid story and imagine the events unfolding the way the
defendant claims they did, they will find the defendant “not guilty.” If the prosecuting
attorney tells a more convincing story, the defendant will most likely be found “guilty.”
How can I use this information in my everyday life, you ask?
Here’s how: we are going to craft a special kind of story to influence the perspective of
your ex.
Stories evoke emotion and change minds. I want you to tell your ex the story of your
relationship in a way that causes him to automatically begin to root for your relationship.
Did you ever see The Italian Job, The Saint, or Ocean’s Eleven? All these movies are about
thieves trying to pull off big-time heists. They are stories about criminals.
And yet, as you watch these movies, you begin to root for the criminals to succeed. You
want them to get away with the loot and live happily ever after.
Doesn’t that seem strange to you?
Why do we root for thieves to succeed at stealing other people’s hard-earned

resources? It’s because their life experience was presented to us in the form of a story.
The protagonist is the hero figure in a plotline – the person about whom the story is
written. There can be more than one protagonist in a story, as there is in William
Shakespeare’s classic story, Romeo and Juliet.
In Romeo and Juliet, we root for the relationship of this young couple. Sure, we care
about Romeo and we care about Juliet, but the relationship itself becomes as important
to us as either character.
As you read or watch Romeo and Juliet, do you find yourself wishing they would just
forget about each other? Don’t you want them to put their own safety first and move
on with their lives? After all, if you really cared about Romeo and Juliet, wouldn’t you
advise them not to put their lives in peril by pursuing the romance further?
Of course not.
That’s not what you root for. (It’s not what I root for either!) We want them to be
together. We root for the relationship! We see the beauty of life unfolding in the way
they discover one another, and our hearts want them to be happy. We understand the
risks they take to breathe life into the new passion they discovered through love at first
sight.
Here’s the point.
By making your relationship itself the hero of the story, you can cause him to root for
the relationship.
Do you remember Allie and Noah from the Nicholas Sparks’ novel-turned-movie, The
Notebook? The story of their relationship was a powerful tear-jerker. As an 80-year-old
man, Noah reads to his wife, Allie. She has developed Alzheimer’s and does not
remember, yet she roots for the characters in the story of her own life as Noah reads
from her journal.
The story Noah reads to Allie is powerful. It is so powerful we pay money to participate
in this story by going to a theater or purchasing the book.
I am going to present two methods for you to tap into that power in order to get your
ex rooting for the possibility that your relationship could once again breathe new life.
Method One
This first method will work for some of you, but not for everyone. It is a method I
stumbled upon when consulting with a woman about her long-distance relationship. She
wanted to know how to rekindle a love she had enjoyed for almost a year before he
broke up with her.
She and her ex broke up on good terms. He traveled a lot for work but found ways to
visit her frequently. She went through an illness and needed both emotional and
practical support from him for several months during her recovery. He was noble and
caring in the way he sacrificed time and resources to help her get back on her feet.
Shortly after her recovery however, he broke off the relationship. He told her he was
not ready for the kind of commitments that relationships require. She knew he meant
the sacrifices he had made during her time of illness. He likely felt he was giving a lot
and not getting much out of the relationship during those months of her illness.
She had never before been a person to rely others much, but he had willingly offered
his help. Now she wanted to show him she could support him and be there for him in
ways that would enhance his life rather than consume his limited energy and time.
She asked me how she could accomplish this. He already knew of her desire to rekindle
the relationship and had politely declined to pursue a romantic relationship further.
As I thought about the situation, new questions arose in my mind about the nature of
their relationship. I wondered what she enjoyed so much about him and what she felt
he was getting out of the relationship when she was healthy and they were together.
She wrote back to me with the story of the many things they had shared together. She
told me of the passionate ways she could enrich this man’s life by loving him deeply and
being supportive.
I was moved by her story of the relationship. The intentions she had for this man
reflected a servant’s heart. She truly wanted to love him, and I thought he would be
crazy to decline if he really understood what she had to offer.
It suddenly dawned on me that I had received the inside scoop. I had read the story of
their shared history and the story of what would happen next if the relationship could
be revived.
I believed in her story. I realized that, if he could only see the big picture she presented,
he would forget about the few months of illness and shift his perspective. I realized she
needed to literally write him a letter that contained the story of their shared relationship.
In this case, the story is something he already knows. However, his mind was focused in
on the narrow bit of the story where he felt weighed down and drained because of the
relationship.
He needed to hear the whole story of their relationship again.
He needed to hear the story of how they met, how they began to enjoy each other, how
she fell deeply in love with him, how she became ill and accepted his help, how she
recovered, and how she was ready to really give back in the relationship.
Finally, he needed to be shown the two potential endings to the story.
I asked her to paint a picture with her words. A picture that would be easy for him to
see because she finished the story, the future part which had not yet been written. I
asked her to describe in beautiful detail the way his life and his future would be
enhanced if he chose to give the relationship another try.
Do you see how this could change the mini-movies playing in his head? Stories influence
our emotions at the deepest level. When it comes to our automatic, subconsciously-
generated mental movies, emotions run the show.
She sent him the story in the form of a letter, which she e-mailed. I encouraged her to
write it in the first person in the same way a person would write in their own journal.
The effect was essentially like the journal Noah read to Allie in The Notebook. It started
like this, “I remember the day I first laid eyes on you.”
After she finished the future part of the story, she invited him to comment on whether
the way she had described it seemed realistic. (The reason for this will become clear in
Step Six.) It has to do with drawing out any objections he has – any problems that may
be holding him back.
I have recommended this particular method to many people because of the tremendous
success it had on that first relationship. Like any method, it works better for some
relationship situations than others, but I have advised many women to use this
particular method and it has worked. There is, however, another method using the
power of story-based communication.
Method Two
The second method is one I have used even more frequently than the first. The second
method grew out of the first. Once I realized the full power of story-mode
communication between lovers, I began to see opportunities to integrate this form of
communication in all kinds of situations.
At times, people I consult with have convinced their partner to come to me for help
sorting through problems in their relationship. When both partners are in the room, I
ask each to tell me the story that brought them to a point of crisis in the relationship.
Invariably, what happens is one partner begins to share the story, only to make it
through just a few sentences before the other partner interrupts to disagree.
They were both there, but their minds hold different versions of the story. Sometimes
the versions are very different.
People can have radically opposing perceptions of the same event. The differences in
perception usually don’t deal with the facts of the case. These different viewpoints are
about the perspective from which the story is experienced and the other person’s
intentions.
In most cases, a rapid breakthroughs can be achieved to resolve the problems if both
partners can be silent and really listen to the story from their partner’s perspective. The
only thing that stops this from happening is the tendency to interrupt and argue about
“what really happened.”
If I can get both partners to treat the experience as an experiment- if I can get them to
look at the world through their partner’s eyes - they become willing to silently absorb
their partner’s story. After both have had the opportunity to do this, I generally just sit
back and watch them apologize and make up.
The process of listening to someone else’s story builds empathy. You can suddenly
imagine how the other person experienced the unfolding events. It works the same way
as the defendant who is found “not guilty” when the jury understands the facts of the
case through a believable story.
When you are trying to get back with your ex, you can use this method in two ways.
The first way is to get him to tell you the story of your relationship from his perspective.
Tell him you are just curious, and then show curiosity as he begins to relay the tale of
the beginning, middle, and end of your past relationship.
His story is extremely valuable. It provides you with insight into what he wants. It
provides you with insight to understand any factors that are holding him back from
returning to a relationship with you. It also provides you with information about what
he really enjoys about you and what felt good in the relationship.
The second way you can use this method is by asking him to listen as you describe your
experience relating to a small segment of the relationship. Tell him you are curious if he
experienced that part of your shared history in the same way. Ask him not to interrupt
until you are finished, even if you say something that doesn’t sound exactly right. Explain
that you need him to hear the whole story from your perspective before interrupting so
he will be able to spot the reasons why your perspective might be different than his.
You can use this method to resolve past heartaches or disagreements that are still
keeping you apart, but it is an advanced application of this method. It is not a step you
should take until you are both openly committed to working on the relationship again.
A better use for the beginning stages of reconnecting with your ex would be to simply
build a feeling of connection through your shared story.
You can build a feeling of connection by showing him (through short personal stories)
how your interactions with him have affected you.
Let me give you a quick example to show you the kind of thing I’m talking about.
Lisa and Jeff work in the same research lab for a big company in Chicago. They dated for
about seven months, more than two years ago. Lisa has consistently used compliments
to gradually encourage Jeff to be attentive and responsive to her when they chat at work.
One day they are walking up three flights of stairs as they return to their workstation
after a staff meeting. As they climb the stairs, Lisa comments, “I remember the first time
you advised me to take the stairs instead of using the elevator. I thought you were crazy
at first.”
Jeff response, “Was it me that convinced you to take the stairs? I remember telling you
about the article I wrote on the importance of movement throughout the day, but I
didn’t realize that’s when you started using the stairs instead of the elevators.”
Lisa then shares a small segment of their shared history in the form of a story.
“I remember coming into work one day feeling grumpy. I guess you could tell from the
scowl on my face because you offered to run downstairs to the lobby to get a cup of
coffee for me. I remember feeling selfish for letting you do that for me, especially when
I saw you walk past the elevators and take the stairs. I also remember feeling very
grateful when you brought back that hot cup of coffee with a big smile on your face. For
some reason, at that very moment, I committed to copying some of the healthy habits
you chose for your own life.”
This is an example of a practical way Jeff touched Lisa’s life, but you could just as easily
focus on an emotion. For example, Lisa could have said: “I remember feeling very
grateful when you brought back that hot cup of coffee with a big smile on your face.
Most chipper people annoy me when I’m in a bad mood. But I remember feeling
genuinely less grumpy because of your thoughtfulness that day.”
This is a tiny sliver of their shared story, yet it has the power to evoke emotions in a way
that would be otherwise impossible. If you simply tried to explain that the two of you
are good for each other… well, it wouldn’t work.
Stories convey all kinds of information and emotions. Use them to your advantage.
Logic is rarely enough to affect a person’s heart. Emotions are far more likely to
influence them. The most effective way to tap into emotion is by harnessing the
attention-grabbing power of stories. Stories build empathy and suggest possibilities
about the future.
Step Four: Ask Him for a Favor

This step is simple and straightforward. Let me explain the purpose and finish by
providing the “how to” details for accomplishing this step.
First, I need to tell you about an interesting discovery about the way people react to
favors.
If I do you a favor, like stopping to help you fix a flat tire, your estimation of me might
get bumped up a bit. It makes sense that you might like me more because I just did you
a favor.
But here’s something strange. Social psychologists have found that we like another
person more after we do them a favor!
Why would I like you more after I help you fix a flat tire? What would make me like you
more after I do you a favor?
Social psychologists are not certain of the reason for this phenomenon, but they assure
us the effect is quite strong. They have measured it several different ways to ensure no
other factors were influencing the outcome of this research.
One possible theory to explain this phenomenon is we feel someone “owes us one” after
we do them a favor. As a result, we feel like they are “on our team”. We assume they
will have our backs, so to speak, and this causes us to like them more.
Who knows if that’s true? All we know for sure is that it works!
What does this have to do with your ex? Is asking him for favors going to make him fall
in love with you again? Not exactly, but we’re aiming for something significant. The
reason I bring up this research is to tell you it certainly doesn’t hurt to ask him for a favor.
If anything, it may help.
A Simple Request
This step is very simple. You’ve already come a long way in rebuilding a relationship with
your ex. At this point in the Six Step System, you are becoming part of his world again.
You have gradually developed a natural, easy-going relationship with him.
You started with a man who might have cringed at the sight of your number on his Caller
ID. Now you have a guy who feels proud of the relationship he has with you.
You have used compliments and stories to open a confident self-image he can step into
and accept as his own. He has gradually come to enjoy interactions with you again.
Now it’s time to cash in on some of that collateral. It’s time to ask him for a favor.
The favor you ask of him should meet the following criteria:
1. It should allow for a live, in-person interaction between the two of you.
2. It should take place at a location where the two of you have never interacted
before.
3. It should involves something you can patiently wait for him to do when he has
time.
4. It should easily allow you to do some kind of “Thank You” gesture in response.
This step pushes your relationship to the next level. The big benefit to this favor is, even
though you were the one who initiated the interaction, he feels responsible for pushing
things forward.
I’ll explain.
You’ve probably heard that it’s best to let a man lead or do the pursuing. Well, there is
some truth to that, but it’s not as important as most people think.
Women often lead the relationship in subtle ways, giving the man ideas and then letting
him take the formal step to act on the ideas. Nonetheless, you want him to take
ownership for the emerging relationship between the two of you.
When you ask him for a favor, he could say no. But most likely he will say yes because
you’ve been shaping his behavior toward you. He now has a certain level of emotional
investment in maintaining the positive impression you have of him.
When he says, “Sure, I can help with that,” you get to reciprocate his gesture of kindness
as if he made the first move. You get to bake his favorite chocolate chip cookies (or
whatever he likes), leaving him to believe he is the one who took the relationship to the
next level by doing something for you.
People often adjust their attitudes to fit their behavior. It sounds strange because we
think it always happens the other way around. However, psychological research studies
show this to be true.
In one study, research participants in the United States were asked to write an essay
supporting the idea of a communist government. Half the participants were told they
would be paid to do it. The other half were asked to do it without any incentive.
Follow-up interviews and questionnaires revealed something very interesting. For those
who were not paid to write a view opposing their own, their views shifted toward being
more accepting of the communist form of government. For those who were paid to
participate in the task, there was no change of opinion.
Why is that?
Social psychologists tell us the reason is that those who were paid dismissed the things
they wrote in the essay as something they did just to earn a reward.
The other participants had no such excuse. They subconsciously could only explain their
opinions with reasoning “… maybe I really do see some good in the communist way of
governing people.” Our self-concept is shaped by our own behavior.
The second big advantage in this step is getting the two of you to interact in a novel
(meaning “new”) setting. Novel is key.
This interaction needs to be either a new place or a new activity – a neutral space where
the two of you have never created a memory. It doesn’t matter if either of you have had
this particular experience before. What matters is that you have not been there together
and that you have not previously done the activity together.
Why is this important?
Doing things together in a new setting or situation causes the mind to reevaluate. There
are no previous assumptions to get in the way. Interacting with you in a whole new
space will cause him to “wake up” and see you in a new light.
Instead of operating on all of his old assumptions, he will experience you for the first
time in this new situation or new place. As a result, it will give his mind the space it needs
to fall in love with you in the fresh, new, and exciting way that is common among couples
when they first meet.
Hold His Gaze

The “Hold His Gaze” method works during any interaction, but it is especially effective
to apply this eye contact method when he meets you to do a favor or when you to
deliver a thank you gesture.
I have discussed the power of eye contact in detail in my dating and attraction course,
“What Men Secretly Want.” But for our purposes here, we are going to focus on one
technique you need to have in your arsenal.
When the moment is right, you can use this to tug at his heart strings.
If you have carefully implemented the steps leading up to this one, it is time to help
things along with a biological trigger for amorous feelings. Eye contact works because it
evokes an emotional response in almost everyone.
I will never forget an encounter I had when I was twelve – with my friend’s large dog.
The dog, Jespa, was calm and friendly with his family. Still, my friend warned me not to
make eye contact with Jespa when I came over to play.
Dogs often interpret direct, sustained eye contact as a threat, some kind of claim to
dominance.
When I encountered Jespa in person, I was taken aback by his size and aggressive
appearance. He looked at me, and I instantly felt the way a gazelle must feel when a
lioness sets her gaze.
My fear of his dog was compounded by the way he stood up and began moving toward
me in a “let’s fight” stance. He held his head low between his shoulder blades, and made
slow movements while holding a steady gaze.
I felt afraid, which caused me to stare at the object of my fear. A few seconds later I
remembered my friend’s advice not to make eye contact. Still, it took a considerable
amount of willpower to avert my gaze. The dog relaxed, then watched me from a
distance for a while before going off to do something else.
Men respond to direct eye contact with another male in the same way Jespa responds
to eye contact. Well, maybe they are not quite to that extreme.
However, when you measure a man’s autonomic arousal (his stress and alertness level)
using a galvanic skin conductance device, it instantly shoots up when a man makes direct
eye contact with another man.
When men make direct eye contact with a woman, the same thing happens, only the
autonomic arousal feeds into feelings of attraction instead.
One of the more interesting discoveries about human emotions in humans is that they
have two parts: physiological and mental labeling.
While we can “feel” and label all kinds of emotions, it turns out the physical arousal
underlying those various emotions is almost always the same. We label arousal
differently in our mind and, as a result, we experience it differently.
For instance, the exhilaration felt after winning a basketball game is caused by the same
physiological reactions as the fear experienced when one is called into the principal’s
office.
Research studies about arousal and attraction have shown that people are more likely
to feel attraction if they meet for the first time while standing on a bridge suspended
over a gorge. The same couples were far less likely to report a feeling of romantic
attraction when they met again in an ordinary room.
Researchers say this has to do with the body having a slight adrenaline rush to being on
a swinging bridge high in the air.
This adrenaline reaction your body experiences on a suspension bridge is the same
adrenaline reaction you get when you feel attracted to someone of the opposite sex.
The result is that people meeting on a swinging bridge tend to unconsciously and
mistakenly label the physical sensations of adrenaline as a feeling of infatuation.
Humans are biologically wired to feel emotion when they lock eyes. In fact, when two
people of the opposite sex lock eyes just a few seconds longer than what is considered
normal without glancing away, a biological reaction gets triggered.
Deep eye contact evokes feelings of passion.
Did you know your pupils dilate when you are looking at someone you find attractive?
The pupil is the black part at the center of your eye. The term “dilate” just means expand
so the radius of the circle is bigger.
When you walk outside in the sunlight, your pupils contract to restrict the amount of
blinding sunlight coming through the lens of your eyes. When you walk into a dark room,
your pupils dilate (enlarge) to take in as much light as possible to make out the dim
objects in front of you.
Researchers can’t explain why our pupils dilate when we are aroused by someone.
Maybe it’s a subtle signal that we find them attractive, or simply that our eyes desire to
take in more of what we see... like when they dilate to take in more light in a dark room.
Regardless of the cause, the effect is known.
The person you are making eye contact with can “feel” your dilated pupils… for lack of
a better word. They unconsciously pick up the subtle sign of affection, which triggers a
domino effect. The sequence of physiological reactions that follow can lead to mating
instincts.
People make eye contact all the time, but they glance away every few seconds as they
talk.
When you sustain eye contact a few seconds longer than normal, you trigger amorous
feelings in yourself and the other person (if they are open to letting them happen). If
you have large pupils as you gaze into his eyes, the effect is much stronger.
You can make your pupils expand simply by thinking things like, “You are so attractive,”
or imagining something you find attractive – like him leaning in to kiss you. Your body
will automatically react to such vivid mental imagery, which will cause a widening of
your pupils… which makes you look more attractive, too.
Imagine this: You walk up to his door after calling to make sure he is home. You tell him
you have something you want to drop off for him. He answers the door, and you hand
him a plate of warm cookies you baked. As he reaches out to take them, you hold his
gaze a little longer than normal and say in a soft voice, “Thank you.”
Thanking him for doing you a favor allows you to create a simple moment in time that
communicates volumes. Don’t underestimate the power of this step for sparking
feelings that get him thinking about you after you’ve gone.
Step Five: Stand at the Crossroads

“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.”
~ G.K. Chesterton
I need to communicate several things to you in this section. The first one is not
chronological, but more of a general concept that applies to all the steps except the last
one.
Are you ready for it?
He should never feel entitled to your company.

This is very important. You must maintain solid boundaries that define the nature of
your relationship as it stands now. He has not committed to you, and he needs to sense
that. While getting you back might be an option in the future, he does not own your
time or your body.
When you have established this strong mental boundary, he will sense it. He may have
an awareness that you are attracted to him, that you orient yourself toward him, and
that you enjoy his company.
He should also sense there are boundaries he cannot cross until after an open discussion
takes place about where the relationship is going.
You are not going to throw yourself at him. Yes, you are going to use some deep
compliments that touch on his desire to feel respected and admired. However, you are
not going to give him the impression that he already owns you. If he wants to spend
time with you, he has to make a request, not just assume you’ll show up at his beck and
call.
The goal here is to avoid creating the impression that he already has you. He cannot
delay as long as he likes in formalizing an actual relationship. Yet you don’t want to
appear cold or indifferent either.
You want to make sure he has to jump through a few hoops to get more of the warmth
and positive feedback he has come to expect from you.
The Crossroads
You don't want to be the store owner, well-established and always there when he
cannot find a better deal somewhere else. You do want to be the salesperson he meets
on the sidewalk with only one of the products he wants left in stock.
This is called “scarcity.” Scarcity is evoked when a given benefit suddenly seems far more
valuable.
If you are a salesperson, nearly sold out of a highly coveted product, the remaining
product will be snatched up by your customers much quicker than the first few items
were. You could probably double the price and still sell the last few items as quickly as
the first few.
Why does this happen? Did the value of the item actually increase? No, it is the exact
same item. Nothing about it has changed. What did change was the addition of a very
strong human motivation called “aversion to loss.”
Humans have a strong aversion to loss. It is another psychological phenomenon that has
been well-researched and documented that we want to use for your advantage. All kinds
of creative research studies have been conducted to test this concept. Invariably, the
results have shown that humans become a little irrational when there is a threat of loss.
For example, researchers ask people hypothetical questions about medical devices that
could save a lot of human lives, but could also potentially cause the loss of a few lives.
Vaccines are a perfect example of this paradoxical type of situation.
Researchers ask people what they would do if put in charge of the decision regarding
the widespread use of a vaccine that could prevent a fatal illness. The results show that
people would rather not be responsible for killing someone accidentally with a vaccine
even if that vaccine saved twice as many people as it killed.
That’s just a hypothetical example. Others involve real cash. Subjects were asked which
bets they were willing to take with real money they could keep when the research study
was over.
Once again, the studies show people will make decisions that leave them with less
money at the end of the study while protecting them from the uncomfortable
experience of possibly losing money on various bets along the way.
A Curious Thing about Men and Freedom

There’s something odd about men. (Oh wait, you already knew that!) Men and women
both prefer to have free will, to be in charge of their own destiny. We want to decide
for ourselves what we will wear, what we will buy, when we will work, who we will spend
time with, among other things.
Nonetheless, men have a much stronger drive to maintain their freedom than women
do.
Many men look at committed relationships and consider both the pros and cons, even
when they are deeply in love with someone. One of the biggest downsides for men is
the perception that they are giving up options and relationship opportunities that may
arise in the future.
When I was first exposed to this concept, I found it annoying. Yet I recognize its truth.
As a man, I am ashamed to admit what follows, but knowing the truth can empower you
in your interactions with your ex.
Because I want to empower you, I’m willing to share with you the full extent of the male
psyche, including the unflattering features.
Here is how this works: a man looks at a woman he is in love with and contemplates a
committed relationship with her. His mind then asks the question, “Why not? There are
certainly benefits to a commitment. What do I have to lose?”
Then his mind goes to work, trying to answer that question, “What do I have to lose?”
He generally finds several answers. The answers have to do with giving up his freedom
of choice. “If I commit to her now, and then meet someone I love even more a few
months or years down the road, I’m going to kick myself for getting myself into a
commitment.” That’s the unflattering part.
This is one of the reasons men avoid commitments, especially when women behave as
the reliable store owner who is always there if he ever decides to go ahead and commit.
This is why it is so critical that you “stand at the crossroads,” and now it’s time for me
to explain what that actually means.
Standing at the crossroads means you create the impression that you have come to a
point in life where you are forced to make a decision that could remove you from his
life.
The extent to which you make this impression is up to you. There are various ways you
can make it happen in real life, which we will discuss in a moment.
Before I do, I need to tell you another perception men often have of relationship
commitments. Men picture commitment in their mind’s eye and see something very
different from what you imagine when you consider the same future.
Men see it like this. We come home from work and feel completely in control of our
choice about what to do next. We’ve put up with a boss or customers’ deadlines all day
long and now we are tired of that. We are ready to play, be adventurous, and go with
the flow, wherever it takes us.
When we picture commitment, we imagine coming home to someone we care about,

but we also see someone who demands that we answer for how we have spent our time
and who we have spent it with and account for an infinite number of other things.
If a man can have all the benefits of a relationship (the kind he likes) without a
commitment full of expectations, he will choose the non-commitment route every time.
That’s why it is important that you do two things during this stage of the Six Step Process:
1. Don’t let him have all the advantages of a commitment without one.
2. Bring up the things you’ve learned about men and commitments – and how
you would have done things differently in the past when you used to be
together if you’d known then what you know now.
I believe true love is real. Here’s how I define true love… It’s a situation that exists when
two people love each other so much they desire for the other person to be happy. When
both individuals have that deep love and put the other person’s happiness above their
own, a natural bliss arises.
People experiencing true love do not have to work very hard at getting their own needs
met. The other person wants to meet their needs.
The problem with this equation occurs when one person does not understand what the
other person’s needs are. This is what happens when a woman accidentally smothers
her romantic partner by expressing her love in the way she would like to receive it.
Obviously, this is a two-way street.
Any chance I have to explain to a man what a woman needs and desires, I give him
everything I’ve got. I’m just throwing this in here so you remember I created this
particular training course for women, not men. That’s the reason this is one-sided.
Now here’s the message I want you to receive from this: Men value freedom. They often
feel they have to give up freedom to accept a committed relationship.
When you understand a man’s deep need for freedom, you can have all of your heart’s
desire in the relationship, while simultaneously encouraging him to be adventurous,
play, and act like a man (which is really more like a boy than most people realize!).
When you give your man the space he needs to feel free, he will love you that much
more ferociously – even if he’s not there on the couch beside you to cuddle and watch
TV every night.
The key is to encourage him to do things he enjoys or else he’ll feel guilty about it. And
when he feels guilty, he will subconsciously blame you for his guilt. Eventually this will
make him want to leave you again.
Each time you get an opportunity to break down any misperceptions he has about what
a relationship with you would be like, take it!
As you spend time together, you will naturally begin discussing aspects of your previous
relationship. Get comfortable with those conversations. Help him to get comfortable
with them as well by being relaxed and casual whenever you talk about relationship
issues.
Methods for Creating Scarcity

When you stand at a crossroads in your life, you automatically create scarcity. The threat
of losing the relationship that has been forming between the two of you overshadows
his fear of losing the potential opportunity with another woman in the future.
We’re talking about the fear of loss here.
He has a built-in fear of committing to you because that means giving up the freedom
to choose someone else… someone he may not have even met yet. You are canceling
out the value of waiting by introducing potential loss – loss that is far more tangible and
real because it’s happening right here, right now as you stand at the crossroads.
Here are the three types of crossroads:
1. “I can’t be friends with you anymore. I’ve realized I’m still in love with you, and
it hurts my heart too much to interact with you just as a friend. I wish you the
best.”
2. “I’ve met someone new, and he is uncomfortable with me being so close to
someone I’ve shared an intimate relationship with.”
3. “I’ve decided to start dating again. I know my heart won’t really be in it as long
as you’re on my mind, so I need to break from interacting and communicating
with you.”
You don’t need to set any definite timelines when you tell him you’ve reached a
crossroads that cause your paths to diverge. You also do not need to make it a dramatic
bomb you drop in his lap. In fact, it’s much better if you can be emotionally resigned
when you communicate this. The last thing you want is for him to see it as an ultimatum.
Ultimatums never work because they completely reverse the male psychology as he
scrambles to regain control over his sense of freedom.
Remember, when you stand at the crossroads and sadly tell him you must walk away,
you are taking away his freedom.
You are taking away his freedom to just keep things the way they are.
As soon as you introduce an ultimatum, however, he has a strong tendency to fight to

regain his sense of autonomy and control. He does not like to feel that you (or anyone
else) are threatening him with pain to make him do what you want.
Here’s what we do want.
We want him to independently come up with the idea that he could fight for you, that
he could propose a new alternative that would allow your relationship to take flight once
again.
At this point in the Six-Step Process, your work may be done. You may not need Step Six.
All the psychological variables are stacked in your favor. You just unveiled one of the
most powerful magnetic forces known to man – aversion to loss. Because your new
relationship was built on layer upon layer of positive, magnetic attraction, you may not
need to do anything else. If he asks you if you want to start over and build a romantic
relationship with him, you simply need to accept.
However, in those circumstances where an extra little push is needed, you’ll want to
know a few of the powerful techniques for sealing the deal revealed in the next section.
Let’s get started with that now.
Step Six: Energy Transfer

“Don’t be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated.
You can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.”
~ David Lloyd George
My brother graduated in the top 10 percent of all medical students across the nation.
So, as a kid, when I got stuck on math homework, Dad always sent me to my brother for
help.
My brother is an emergency room physician. He has trained in some of the top trauma
hospitals in the nation.
He explained to me the difference between the hospitals you find in most towns verses
the nation’s top hospitals. Basically, he said, it comes down to having the brilliant minds
of other doctors in different specialty areas. Being able to consult with these doctors on
a moment’s notice makes all the difference when a patient shows up in critical condition.
Despite this advantage, there are times when his patients die. When that happens,
there’s just one more thing left to do: transfer energy.
You’ve seen this a hundred times on movies and tv. It’s one of the most dramatic events
that occurs in real life as well. When the heart stops, life stops. In order to extract the
poison, close the wound, replenish the blood – or whatever – you need the heart to
keep beating. Otherwise, all is lost.
When a doctor applies those paddles and sends a jolt of electric energy into someone’s
chest, he is transferring energy. The energy is not designed to be self-sustaining. It is
only a last-ditch effort to reawaken the electrical signals the heart uses to regulate its
pumping action.
In this section, we will discuss ways to transfer your excitement for the relationship.
Excitement that becomes contagious, sparking back to life the heart of a man who once
loved you.
What we’re about to talk about may seem dramatic. If it does, consider that sometimes,
when all else is lost, dramatic interventions are needed. When something of value is at
stake, exceptions can be made to the typical modes of human interaction.
An effective way to transfer your excitement – or energy – is through the same methods
salespeople use.
The Three Stages for Closing a Deal
1. Make the pitch.

2. Identify and clear any objections.
3. Ask for the sale.
I know you don’t like the idea of trying to sell your man on the value of rekindling a
relationship. It doesn’t seem romantic! That’s why I’m going to try to change your
opinion so you see this process in a different light.
I recently read a book entitled, To Sell Is Human by Daniel Pink. Here’s a short excerpt
of the editor’s description of the book:
“According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, one in nine Americans works in
sales. Every day, more than fifteen million people earn their keep by persuading
someone else to make a purchase. But dig deeper and a startling truth emerges:
Yes, one in nine Americans works in sales. But so do the other eight. Whether
we’re employees pitching colleagues on a new idea, entrepreneurs enticing
funders to invest, or parents and teachers cajoling children to study, we spend
our days trying to move others. Like it or not, we’re all in sales now.”
The author makes a strong case for developing your selling skills. He transformed my
perception of selling. I used to see sales as an annoying effort by extremely extroverted
people to make it uncomfortable for me to say, “No.”
I now see sales as a discussion of potential benefits to the person you would like to
influence.
My new perception of selling fits better with reality. I realized how often I deliberately
try to “sell” my family and friends on all kinds of ideas, from taking a canoe trip to a gift
idea for Dad’s birthday.
Because of this change of perspective, I opened up to the idea of improving my selling

skills. It only too a small amount of effort to drastically improve my ability to persuade
others.
With just a tiny bit of forethought, I can now start a conversation in a way that frames
the topic at hand in favorable terms. Doing this makes it much easier to gain the favor
of the person I am speaking with.
I can’t believe I lived that long without recognizing the simple value of planning your
approach to persuading others!
I want you to get comfortable with the idea of persuading others. If you hold negative
beliefs about convincing someone to see things your way, you will hold back and
possibly even sabotage your own efforts.
So, let’s review what you are trying to accomplish.
Think of what you are trying to accomplish as “energy transfer.” You are motivated
because you see the benefits of getting back together. Your goals is to help him take
over the energized pursuit of a relationship with you.
Transfer some of your positive energy and motivation to him. That’s all you are trying to
accomplish. There’s nothing manipulative or sinister about that. It’s as natural as being
a human.
You have goals. You have things you care about. You can and should use the full capacity
of your mind to convince others to join the pursuits about which you are passionate.
With that in mind, let’s get back to those three parts of “the close.” (“The close” is a
term referring to the part of the sales process where you are finished describing benefits
and are ready to ask someone to make a decision, hopefully in favor of committing to
the direction you are persuading.).
The first stage is, “Make the pitch.”
Remember, this is a last ditch effort, kind of like shocking the relationship back to life.
It’s okay to ask for what you want. Remember from the beginning of this course that
asking for what you want is a common trait among “lucky people.”
When you make the pitch, you are not begging for a relationship. Rather, you are pulling
out all the stops so you can make him clearly see how he will benefit from a relationship
with you.
If a relationship with you is something he has already considered, but has hesitated, the
close has an excellent chance of giving him that extra energy he needs to wake up and
take action.
What is the pitch?
The pitch is when you put yourself in his shoes, look at the situation from his perspective,
and ask him to consider the “what if?”
You say things like, “What if I didn’t have to pull away from you? What if there was
another way? A way where you could have a woman who shares your love of [insert
common interest here] and already knows how you need to be loved to thrive and enjoy
your life to the fullest?”
A great way to make a pitch is to simply use questions to draw his attention to the
benefits of getting back together with you. Sometimes you can get a man to sell himself
on the idea by asking a question like, “Have you ever wanted to get back together with
me?” and then using follow-up questions to get him to picture all the potential benefits.
Every relationship is so unique that I cannot give you specific benefits to focus on.
Nonetheless, I can give you general categories to stimulate your thinking.
One of the keys to doing this well involves pondering what you will say before you
interact with him. You might even rehearse it aloud. This will make the words more fluid
when the time comes.
Simply thinking about what you want to say will not prepare you as well as rehearsing
several key points out loud.
Here are a few examples of benefits you might want to touch on in your pitch – that is,
if they apply to you:
1. It makes sense to be with someone who knows him well, who loves him the
way he is.
2. There are many aspects of your personalities that click.
3. You share hobbies and similar interests.
4. You could each reduce financial stress by combining your resources.
5. There are benefits to the friends and/or children who know you as a couple.
6. There is joy in repairing your relationship and rekindling the spark instead of
giving up and feeling like a failure.
7. The physical intimacy you share is special and unique.
8. Learning from past mistakes might take the relationship to levels it has not
reached before.
9. There is an opportunity for him to take you up on promises you have made for
enhancing his life in practical and emotional ways.
10. There is a very real chance to openly strive for the best possible relationship
alongside someone who already knows him, someone who he can already
count on to love him back (instead of taking a gamble with someone else).
Clearing Objections
People who are good at influencing others know how to overcome the objections people
have to moving forward with an action or idea. Even if he is halfway convinced you are
right, he may have a few objections holding him back.
Influential people know how to ask questions to figure out what those objections are.
Instead of impulsively asking for what you want, an influential person will first identify
the objections, overcome the objections, and then close with a request to move forward.
Adding this extra little detail gives you a tremendous increase in success rates with
others. The trick is in knowing how to draw out these objections.
You will be more influential if you can address objections in his mind before he makes a
final decision.
Here’s a quick example to demonstrate how a person can draw out the unspoken
objections another person might have. In this example, Sarah is trying to persuade Larry
to taste her strawberry pie after a large dinner at her home.
Sarah: “Would you like to try my strawberry pie for dessert?”
Larry: “Oh, that sounds really good, but I think I better pass.”
Sara: “It’s really good. I would hate for you to miss it. Are you trying not to
overeat, or are you just feeling too full at the moment?”
Larry: “I’m just too full. Everything was so good I’m afraid I ate to my capacity
already.”
Sara: “Then you don’t have to pass on it altogether. I’ll save a slice for you to
have later after we get back from our walk.”
Larry: “That sounds perfect. I won’t feel sluggish on our walk, and I can look
forward to eating it when we get back home.”
In this simple example, Sarah got Larry to state his objection. She didn’t attempt to
change his mind until she knew what his objection was. Once stated, she was able to
overcome the objection by pointing out an easily compromised solution.
A skilled persuader will go one step further by ensuring there are no other objections
before asking the person to make a commitment.
Here is an example of a great closer, which will help prepare you for the situation you
will be facing with your ex.
Jenna: “I know you’re probably thinking I’m crazy, but there you have it. Those
are the reasons I didn’t try to shut down my emotions about you. Even though
I’ve told you about a lot of the benefits we could both share, I can imagine there
might be a thought in your mind holding you back. Is there any one thing that
makes you hesitant about considering this?”
[Note that Jenna asked him to mention just “one thing.” In doing so, she will prevent
him from spinning off into a series of objections. She wants to draw out one or two
objections so she can deal with each one effectively before he convinces himself not to
consider it.]
John: “I want to be open to this… it’s just… well… embarrassing. I keep thinking
about what my kids will say. I was really angry with you after we broke up and
told them I would never be with someone like you again.”
Jenna: “We were both wrong about a lot of things, John. There’s no shame in
admitting that. Living life on purpose toward the things you want requires you to
change course when new information comes in. The only things I’ve ever really
been ashamed about in my life are the ones where I allowed the appearance of
things stop me from doing what I knew, in my heart, was right for my future.
Maybe together we could talk to your kids about the mistakes we made and why
we see things differently now.”
John: “You’re right. I know you’re right, and it is a relief just to admit that I was
feeling trapped between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to let you go, but
I also didn’t want to admit that I was foolish for being so angry after we broke
up.”
Jenna: “We can be stronger together. Is there another concern that would hold
you back?”
Jenna is allowing John to fully voice his hesitation. She does not cut him off midsentence
to tell him why he is wrong. She gives him the impression she is genuinely interested in
knowing his thoughts and his inner world. Only after he has fully expressed his objection
does she attempts to overcome the objection.
Once she feels an objection has been largely resolved, she asks for a second objection
before rushing to ask him for a commitment.
Ideally, you want to get to a place where he says, “No, there’s nothing more that would
hold me back. Just those things.” At that point, you are ready to summarize the reasons
why his objections can be overcome.
Then follow by restating the benefits, and requesting he join you on a new path toward
togetherness.
Align Your Intentions

The third stage of the sales process involves “asking for the sale.” For our purposes, this
means we ask for him to align his intentions with yours. You are going to say, “Okay,
we’re on the same page then, right? We both want the same thing. We will do our best
to build something beautiful together from this point forward. Right?”
If a salesperson has just made a presentation to the executives of a company about the
benefits of the product he has to offer, asking for the sale is still necessary. At some
point, the salesperson has to say, “Now that you’ve seen how we can benefit your
company, I just need your signature here on this dotted line so we can move forward.”
It may seem obvious that he presented this information to earn their business, but he
still has to ask.
And so do you.
There are many different phrases people use when asking for the sale. In our case, your
question should simply ask for confirmation that he want to line up his intentions with
yours.
Here’s what I mean by “line up his intentions with yours.” You are asking him to agree
to nothing more than a desire to create something wonderful together. Something that
will unfold over time as the result of your shared desire.
This is a beautiful way of describing how all relationships begin.
A relationship is built over time. He cannot agree to a relationship because it is not in

his power to form a relationship. Only interactions over time can form a relationship.
The only thing you can ask for is a decision to make it his intention to form a romantic
relationship with you.
This is not the time to nail down all the specifics of what the commitment will mean.
Nor is it appropriate to establish boundaries for the relationship. Do not try to decide
where things will go in the future. That is not the nature of this agreement. Those things
can come later, once he has begun to experience the emotional benefits of getting back
together with you.
That’s all there is. At this point, your job is to live happily ever after. You have
successfully completed all six steps. It’s time to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
“No tree becomes rooted and sturdy unless many a wind assails it. For by its very
tossing, it tightens its grip and plants its roots more securely; the fragile trees are
those that have grown in a sunny valley.”
~ Seneca
OPTIONAL TECHNIQUES
This unit covers five additional techniques that go beyond the methods of the Six Steps.
You can use any of the techniques that work for your particular relationship and his
particular personality. Not all of these techniques will apply to you and your situation,
but you will likely learn something valuable from these concepts even if you don’t put
them into action directly.
“I Really Hurt You, Didn’t I?”
This first technique is for getting him to open up when there has been little natural
opportunity for interaction since you broke up. This technique provides a chance to work
through any residual anger while simultaneously creating a very important opportunity
for emotional connection between the two of you.
The truth is that no one fully witnessed the demise of your former relationship besides
the two of you. As a result, you are like combat veterans who survived a very difficult
situation that few others can understand.
This gives you a unique advantage. No one else can touch his emotions and release pain
about the incident the way you can.
Men often show anger when they really feel hurt on the inside. If you can get him to
open up about that hurt, he will experience emotional bonding with you. That bonding
can pave the way for a desire to share events and experiences with you more frequently.
You can use this technique after weeks of interaction or as an icebreaker after some
time has passed without any communication. Only use this technique if you are a person
who is capable of hearing someone else talk about things you did wrong without getting
angry.
No two people remember any given situation the same way. As a result, he will say some
things that seem bogus to you. If you are the kind of person who feels compelled to
point out his error, this technique is not for you. You will only end up in a fight that
solidifies the previous decision to separate.
Only use this technique if you are able to accept the fact that people see things
differently. You have to be someone who is able to see the big picture and let the little
things slide in order to reach for a larger prize.
This technique is simple.
All you do is text him or call him and start a conversation with, “I really hurt you, didn’t
I?” The next step is to be receptive to whatever he says. Instead of looking for points of
conflict, look for ways to console him or soothe the pain he felt because of the way he
perceived the events that caused your breakup.
When he first answers your question, he is likely to mention something you did or some
attitude you seemed to have. Look beyond this reaction. Try to understand the
underlying emotion he experienced as a result of the way he interpreted your actions.
Once you can see the emotion behind his statement, speak to that emotion.
Here’s an example. He says, “You were fine spending my money, but when I had to work,
you got upset with me like I was some sort of villain for having a job. I don’t get that.”
Your response should be, “You felt pressured from both sides, didn’t you? You wanted
to be with me and have fun, but you felt trapped and sad when it seemed like I wouldn’t
let you do the responsible thing when it was time to work.”
This kind of response is powerful! It invites him to talk more about his feelings from his
perspective. Responding this way as few as three times can soften him to a point where
he is ready to understand the situation from your perspective for the first time.
Here’s why. During arguments, lovers try to get the other person to understand how
they have been hurt and wronged. Both partners yell their own side of the story louder
and louder in an escalating cycle.
Neither partner feels they have been heard.
As a result, they keep yelling their own point louder and more viciously. The solution is
to say what you hear the other person saying. Doing so causes them to stop yelling to
get you to hear them – because you hear them in the realest and deepest of ways.
Once a person feels you have heard them, they are more likely to listen to you and show
interest in your perspective.
When you demonstrate compassion in the midst of his ranting, the wind is taken out of
his sails. The energy fueling his rage is extinguished. He realizes he is dealing with
someone who genuinely cares about him. This can change everything.
The “Moving On” Ritual of Closure
This technique is really an invitation. It’s an invitation to participate in something fun

that has been designed to bring closure to the former relationship.
You may be wondering why I think you should get closure on something you actually
want to bring back to life. Here’s the reason. There is a psychological shift after a person
experiences closure. The mind opens to new beginnings and possibilities. As long as
there is unfinished business from the past, the mind tends to block the possibility of new
beginnings.
When you get him to join you in creating a ritual of closure, you significantly increase
the chance he will see you in a new light. To accomplish this, you merely need to suggest
a shared activity for the sake of closure.
Most guys already understand why closure is important. If he doesn’t, just tell him it
allows you both to get rid of any feelings of unfinished business. Tell him the best kind
of closure involves a positive interaction that symbolically serves as the end of one
chapter and the beginning of a new and improved chapter.
You can suggest all kinds of things to serve as your closure ritual. For example, you might
ask him to join you for an ice cream sundae at a local diner so the two of you can discuss
a few good memories from the relationship. Tell him this will literally leave a good taste
in his mouth! It serves as a cap at the end of the relationship that allows you both to
have a positive feeling of closure.
Sometimes closure rituals happen automatically without either person planning it. A
common example is the ritual of returning belongings. You can accumulate a partner’s
belongings over time, even if the two of you do not live together.
On more than one occasion, I have known couples who agree to meet somewhere to
exchange items, only to leave that location with a renewed plan to spend more time
together. There’s something about closure that relieves the pressure. Both people feel
freer and more relaxed.
If your relationship ended with a lot of fighting, your shared ritual could be something
that involves forgiveness. For example, you might both agree to text each other a list of
five things you appreciate about the other person despite the fact that you said a lot of
nasty things to each other at the end.
You could also make the closure ritual something unique to your particular shared
history. If you met at a certain dance club, you could agree to go there together one last
time, have one last dance, and then cheerfully part ways to meet some new people.
This may seem counterintuitive, almost like you’re pushing him into the arms of other
women, but again, the point is to generate that exact feeling of freedom. It allows a new
relationship to be born.
It’s like the phoenix that is reborn from the ashes of its former self.
The Humor Technique for Shared Emotional Release

Humor provides a common source of enjoyment. An easy, low pressure way to reinitiate
interaction with your ex is to share something humorous with him through a forwarded
e-mail, a text with a funny YouTube link, or any number of other methods.
Start with something he can digest on his own time that doesn’t require live interaction
with you. For example, if you sent a YouTube link you might say, “This is hilarious. I
thought you might think so, too.” This is a fairly bland thing to say, but it’s a good way
to start. You don’t want to be too pushy too soon.
Later down the road, you will aim for shared interaction.
It might start with a volley of back-and-forth text messages about a funny online
newspaper article. It might progress from there to a phone message where you say, “I
have something really funny to tell you. Call me back.” When he calls back, you tell him
something funny your nephew did at a family picnic or tell him something goofy one of
your friends did (someone he knows because of his time dating you).
By experiencing humor together, you can massage some of the tension out of your
relationship. This gives way to more natural and relaxed interactions like the ones you
had when you first fell in love with each other.
If nothing else, humor provides a nonthreatening way to increase communication. The

more he communicates with you, the greater the odds are that he will remember why
he fell in love with you the first time around.
The Shared Enemy or Goal Technique
If you can find a way to use this technique, make it happen. This is a powerful tool rooted
deeply in male psychology.
The idea in a nutshell is this: you get him to think of you as an ally as he pursues a goal
or defense against some enemy.
Several researchers conducted a social psychology experiment involving forty boys.

They split the boys into two camps of twenty in a summer camp environment. At first,
neither group was aware of the other group’s existence. As the days passed, the
researchers documented the frequent squabbles and social cliques that formed among
the boys in each group of twenty.
The boys were then made aware of the existence of the other group. The researchers
watched to see what would happen. They predicted each group would squabble less
and work together as a cohesive unit.
As predicted, the squabbles and cliques within each group of twenty boys nearly
disappeared completely.
Why? Because they suddenly had a shared identity.
The boys now felt like members of one group who needed to band together as they
prepared for interactions with the other group of twenty boys. Without any intervention
from the researchers, both groups of twenty boys took on a name to distinguish
themselves from the other group. One group dubbed themselves “The Eagles,” and the
other group started referring to themselves as “The Rattlers.”
The two groups of boys were pitted against each other in sporting events and other
competitive activities. The boys became increasingly aggressive during the sporting
events to the point the researchers decided they needed to intervene to calm things
down.
They gave the two groups a few challenges to work on as teams, and suddenly the
aggressive interactions stopped.
They told the boys they needed help pushing a big truck back into camp. They said they
would need the manpower of all the kids working together to make it happen. These
kinds of interactions caused the rivalry between the two camps to disappear.
All people have a natural tendency to band together when they have a shared goal or a
shared enemy.
However, this tendency is stronger among men than among women. Use this to your
advantage. Look for excuses to talk with your ex about someone or something he feels
threatened by or dislikes. For example, if he is strongly opposed to a certain political
party, call him up to talk about the latest crazy idea leaders of that party have been
promoting.
Something personal is even better. If you know of a certain person at work that bothers
him, ask him if that “annoying Peter guy” is still around. Take on the role of a supporter,
someone who sees the situation from his perspective – someone who’s “got his back,”
so to speak.
This will automatically and unconsciously cause him to see you as an ally. It’s something
you should do as a good friend who cares about him. The more you learn about the
things that bother him, the easier it is to become part of “us,” joining together and
separating yourself from “them.”
If you can find a common goal to work on together, that’s icing on the cake! A common
goal has a way of bonding people together, even if they start out as enemies.
I will never forget when I found myself cooperating with my arch enemy as we worked
together to defeat a rival soccer team at the college we attended. Working together
breaks down barriers.
It’s not easy to find a goal you can work on with an ex. Generally, your lives have gone
in different directions, so it may be an impractical goal. Still, plenty of women find they
can think of something that will work. If you can, go for it!
The Disappearing, Reappearing Woman Technique

Some women approach an ex by doing all kinds of favors for him. They bake for him,
serve as his secret confidante, and even offer to drive him to the airport and watch his
dog while he’s out of town. In short, they generally make themselves extremely valuable
in his life.
I have to admit, I have seen this technique work, though but it is not the best way to go
unless you add one element that drastically changes the situation.
That one extra element is a disappearing act that causes him to really appreciate what
you do instead of taking you for granted. The key here is getting him to chase you.
If you do all the pursuing, it prevents any romantic tension from building in the
relationship. He knows he can reach out anytime he wants and you will be there for him.
That’s not good.
Romantic tension is healthy for a relationship. It’s the unspoken question in both
people’s minds regarding where things might go. It’s wonderful to become a welcome
presence in his life – just don’t be there for him all of the time. Make him pursue you a
little. Make him call to ask why you haven’t brought any more of those yummy chocolate
chip cookies. Make him wonder why you suddenly stop texting to ask how things are
going.
When you first pull back, there may be a significant lull before he realizes you have
pulled away. After all, he’s used to doing all the pursuing. We want to shake things up
and make him think about what kind of relationship he actually has with you.
Eventually, he’s going to call you. When he does, don’t act cold. Let your vocal tone
express how happy you are to hear from him. After he goes out of his way to reach out,
immediately resume a more engaged way of interacting with him again.
After a couple of weeks, go silent again. When he reaches out again, immediately
reengage. This will gradually teach him to reach out to you. It will teach him that you are
wonderful to have in his life but you are not a permanent fixture.
He will learn he has to pursue you to keep you interested. As soon as it becomes his goal
to keep you interested, that’s when things begin to change.
AN IDEA IS LIKE A VIRUS
“Doctors and scientists said that breaking the four-minute mile was impossible, that
one would die in the attempt. Thus, when I got up from the track after collapsing at the
finish line, I figured I was dead.”
~Roger Bannister, the first man in recorded history to break the four-minute mile
Roger Bannister infected the world with a virus. He infected the world with a special
kind of virus that’s impossible to eradicate.
The virus I’m talking about is an idea.
Once an idea takes hold of your thoughts, you can never be the same person again. You
can’t go back. The idea spreads through your thoughts, forever influencing the way you
interpret your world.
That’s what happened for those who were striving to run the fastest mile. For years,
people assumed it was physically impossible for a human to run the mile in under four
minutes.
In 1954, Roger Banister ran the mile in three minutes and fifty-nine seconds (3:59). Once
the record was broken, people around the world saw it could be done and began to push
their bodies toward something that suddenly seemed like a real possibility.
Once Banister broke the record, it took only forty-six days for the next person to follow
suit. By the end of 1957, just three years later, sixteen runners had achieved a mile in
under four minutes. The psychological barrier had been broken. The very idea that such
a feat could be accomplished infected the mind of runners around the world.
I would like to invite you to break some psychological barriers of your own. I want you
to start the process by planting a special kind of virus: an idea.
Specifically, I want you to adopt the idea that winning your ex back can be an enjoyable
experience – super fun – taking you in the direction of pursuing your deepest personal
goals.
I would like you to accept the idea that you don’t have to wait in a state of agony to see
how everything is going to turn out. I want you to reject the assumptions of society.
Reject the idea that you should feel anxious and sad while you wait for your lover to
return to you. Change the mental movie playing in your head.
Why do I care about this?
Aside from my general desire for your well-being, I know you are a thousand times more
likely to succeed in winning back the affections of your ex if you allow this virus to take
root in your mind.
When you believe life is fun – that you are fun – his experience of you will be
transformed.
How do we implant this virus in your mind? Well, the process has already started. Just
by reading these words, I have already infected you with the possibility that a person
could purposefully and consciously choose a joyful approach to winning back their ex.
Let’s take this one step further.
I have had the unique privilege of consulting with some true masters of personal
transformation and psychological science. One of the most powerful things I have
learned from these individuals is that questions can transform the mind faster than
willpower.
Ask the right question and your mind automatically responds.
Here’s the question I would like you to ask yourself: How would I be thinking, acting, and
feeling right now if I was really enjoying the challenge of winning back my ex?
I want you to write this question down on a piece of paper. Fold it in half so it stands up
like a tent. Put it inside your fridge where you will see it every time you open the
refrigerator door.
That question will automatically begin to permeate your thoughts, influencing the way
you approach all aspects of the Six Steps for Getting Your Ex Back.
With that question in your mind, you will begin to see possibilities you had not
previously considered. Your mental movie trailer of the future will start to change.
You will see new possibilities for enjoying life right now! You will have a feeling of
excitement that is not dependent on the natural ups and downs most people go through
when chasing something that requires patience and diligence.
Most people feel great when things are going their way, and they feel really terrible
after even a minor setback. I want you to be different.
I want you to adopt a new belief system that says, “I will succeed. The ups and downs
are just a part of the game. I choose to enjoy life right now. I don’t have to wait until I
have achieved the prize.”
Every time you open your refrigerator, the question will pop into your mind. It will
automatically guide your thoughts. It will help you reassess your current situation and
mindset.
It won’t take long before this question starts popping into your mind when you’re
nowhere near your fridge. Just knowing there is a possible alternative to any negative
feeling that arises will weaken the negative emotion and strengthen your hope.
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein
When you choose to believe things will work out in your favor no matter what, you will
be a happier person. Many people are afraid to adopt the mindset of success. They fear
disappointment if things don’t turn out the way they hoped.
I boldly say this is utter foolishness!
If you are properly planning, working hard, and staying focused on your goals, there is
no way you will experience less heartache by wallowing in sorrow than you would by
facing momentary disappointments when things occasionally do not go your way.
In contrast, a person can spend 99 percent of their life feeling happy by simply adopting
the belief that life is working for them and not against them.
Here’s why I say you can feel happy 99 percent of the time, instead of only 50 percent
of the time.
When you make a conscious choice to adopt the belief that all things will work together
in your favor, even the little setbacks don’t get you down. Instead of seeing minor
setbacks as proof of failure, look at them as unanticipated twists of destiny bringing you
one step closer to the positive circumstances working in your favor.
For some of you, this may seem like a strange idea. Others of you have experienced the
full power of this infectious idea already. But let me assure you, I have fully investigated
both the pessimistic way of approaching goals (Murphy’s Law) and its opposite (full
anticipation that all things are working for my good).
The latter is far more effective.
Optimism brings about the accomplishment of goals more quickly and with less effort.
Even if that were not true, I enjoy the process of pursuing my goals as life unfolds.
Have you experienced heartache and pain in your life? Yes, I’m sure you have. Will you
ever experience heartache or pain in the future? The chances are pretty good that you
will.
I am not advocating an approach that involves hiding your head in the sand. Rather, I
am advocating a positive choice that has the power to change the rest of your life for
the better.
Making this choice does not erase all problems, but it transforms the experience of life
as it unfolds.
One of the most remarkable ways the power of choice can transform your life is the way
other people begin to perceive you. Imagine how different you will seem to your ex if
you have adopted the belief that he will ultimately choose you again over any other
woman.
He will sense your hope, optimism, and positive energy those attitudes naturally release
in the mind and body.
You will hold yourself differently. You will think and speak differently. He won’t know
the source of these changes, but he will be curious about the mischievous delight you
have twinkling in your eye as you greet him.
That curiosity you generate in his mind is a good thing. It activates the question, “Does
she know something I don’t know?” This little question will stay stuck on the mental
refrigerator door in his mind, which will cause him to be a little more attentive to you
than he would otherwise be.
The idea virus that has infected your mind (the positive expectation virus) has a way of
transferring to his mind as well. As you follow the Six Step System, he will eventually
realize you have an interest in rekindling a relationship with him. Because you are
impervious to setbacks, constantly enjoying life and hopeful about the future, he will
assume you have reasons for being so sure of yourself.
In that way, the idea that your success is inevitable transfers to his mind as well. It is
automatic and unconscious. He sees that you have confidence, he knows you know what
you want, and he unconsciously begins to assume you will get what you want.
His mind begins to contemplate possible ways you might get what you want. In the
process, he has started to envision a future with you.
He may not understand why you seem so happy and confident, but he is bound to be
influenced by these positive emotions. Your happiness alone will have an infectious
quality. Unless he is an extraordinarily grumpy person, he will find himself enjoying your
cheerful way of interacting with him. This can only work in your favor.
So here’s my challenge to you.
Leave any residual anger, doubt, and pessimism behind. Fully embrace the goal you have
set. Choose to believe you will succeed, and thereby create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It is a tremendous pleasure for me to partner with you in your journey toward a

successful reunion with your ex. I hope and pray your continued pursuit of relational
bliss will be guided by the insights you have discovered here.
With each new day, you have the opportunity to embrace life and pursue any goal you
choose. I am thankful that you have chosen one of the most meaningful goals any person
could possibly pursue: the goal of sharing your unfolding life story with a romantic
partner.
I am grateful for the opportunity you’ve given me to share the insights I’ve gleaned from
my years as a relationship consultant. While progress is not always instant, and
sometimes feels like a winding path rather than a straight line, trusting in the process
will give you the courage to continue in the right direction.
By reading all the way through this course, you have allowed me to reach into your life
and reveal new pathways you may not have noticed before.
Now it’s time for you to walk those paths toward the relationship you have envisioned.
Remember that in life we can set our goals and destination, but we cannot control the
timing or the exact path we will take. But if you set your sights on a certain goal, and
release control of exactly when you will reach it, you will find it easier to persist over
time.
This freedom will enable the unseen forces of life to come to your aid, moving you
toward the beautiful relationship you have chosen to create.
James Bauer

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The Relationship Rewrite

Method to Get Your Ex

Warning and Disclaimer

Nothing in this book constitutes or is meant to constitute professional advice of

Be Irresistible offers content on the topic of relationships and dating for

“Do you still love me?”

Sadly, most of us ignore that underlying question and get defensive.

Which, as you may have guessed, I did.

Your job is to use them.

Ready? Then let’s get started.

How This Course Is Designed

Getting your ex back.

Why is this skill so important?

But here’s the tricky part.

What is this solution?

Okay, here it is:

And you can do this anytime you want.

Now for some good news and some bad news.

Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It:

But there is another kind of memory called “implicit memory.”

But here’s a secret.

Sometimes haste really does make waste.

It’s a nice symbiotic relationship.

Why do I bring this up?

1. Pursue joy on purpose.

So, this is a preamble to the steps we are launching into next.

Think about what you accomplish if you do this right.

1. You create a positive jolt of emotion.

Step One: Turn Him Around with the Power of

Their method? The Reciprocation Principle.

Unlike a flower, a compliment cannot be refused. As soon as a compliment is said aloud,

How to Get His Attention

A humble attitude helps a great deal in achieving that goal.

When You Ended on Good Terms

We all want to matter.

Researchers entered several large neighborhoods and asked people to participate in a

This vast difference was caused by the foot-in-the-door technique.

Here are some common examples of the foot-in-the-door technique in action:

So, here’s the idea:

It changes the movie trailer about a possible future together.

Again, here are the components, followed by the formula:

Concession: You give up something as a gesture of goodwill toward the goal of

The Best that He Can Be

Here’s the point.

Which group of friends would you guess I gravitate toward?

This is a simple example how our self-concept is shaped by our relationships.

Your goal is to create an open space he can step into.

Your goal is to create open space he feels attracted to.

Start with This

The Five Goals

4. Make him a better listener who is becoming increasingly interested in you as a

5. Make him want to be a leader in your shared relationship, taking charge of

How to Control Behavior with Compliments

What should Jessica do next?

Do you see the embedded message?

Tom replies, “You know me well.”

This compliment opens a space for his mind to move into.

Can you see the mental movie changing?

How to Make Compliments Sound Natural

This section is designed to overcome that problem.

Psychologists have recently invented a new form of cognitive therapy called

What If He Gets a Big Head?

Step Three: Use the Power of Story to Touch His