DATING ON PURPOSE

he idea that seeing someone is meant to lead to commitment and kids just isn’t as
widespread as it used to be, and as far too many of us already know, dating when the other
person doesn’t want the same things as you do can be heartbreaking. Literally.

How many relationships out there have ended because the people involved didn’t have the
same plans for their lives? She wanted to get married, but he didn’t. He wanted kids, she
didn’t. She held certain values, but he didn’t.

Stories like this are so common nowadays because modern dating culture preaches that we
should all do whatever “feels” right at the time, and go wherever our emotions pull us. In
fact, for a lot of people, it may even be considered weird and inappropriate to bring up
things like our values and our views on marriage and children on early dates. But we should
do just that if we're going to date with purpose.

Dating with Purpose Means Talking about the Important

Stuff
A potential partner’s goals and values, in general, all speak to their long-term compatibility
with you. Dating with purpose means not just searching for someone who gives you
butterflies, but also searching for someone whose goals and values align with your own.
Someone who isn’t just cute and fun, but with whom you can also build your life.

A potential partner’s goals and values, in general, all speak to their long-term compatibility
with you.

Although it may fly in the face of everything magazines like Cosmo have told us, when
you’re getting to know someone, it shouldn’t be considered taboo to ask them what,
exactly, they’re looking for in a potential relationship. That doesn’t mean asking someone
to marry you right then and there, mind you. But if you’re both looking for different things,
it makes sense to find out sooner rather than later.

Where To Find Such a Partner?

“Sure, finding someone who wants the same things as you and settling down sounds great,”
you might be thinking. But the next thing to pop into your head is probably going to be,
“Now, where would I find this magical person?”

Well, that’s the hard part. Online dating is extremely common right now for anyone who’s
looking. And although it may be harder (but not impossible!) to find a good match on apps
that simply tell you to swipe right on anyone who looks hot, there are also sites out there
that cater to specific groups or that use questionnaires to allow people to get really specific
about the things they’re looking for in a partner.
The more you can ensure that your partner wants the same things that you do, the less
you’ll find yourselves at odds with them later on.

Platforms that allow you to be as specific as possible when screening for potential dates
may leave you with fewer “matches,” but the probability of those matches leading to
something real is a lot higher when you know you already have more in common than just
liking each other’s faces.

Of course, dating will never be an exact science, since things like chemistry, which is so
important in long-term relationships, can’t really be quantified. However, the more you can
ensure that your partner wants the same things that you do, the less you’ll find yourselves at
odds with them later on.

Stick to Your Standards

When I’ve spoken about my own experiences from when I was single, about not wanting to
date guys once I found out they weren’t interested in marriage, children, or my values, I’ve
been called cold, close-minded, and exclusive. Romantic rejection is never easy, but if
there’s ever one area where it’s OK to be picky, to be exclusive, it’s dating. No one has a
right to tell you that you need to be interested in dating a particular person, or that you
should give up the goals you’ve set for yourself and your future.

No one has a right to tell you that you need to be interested in dating a particular person.

Closing Thoughts

Relationships (and life in general) are full of ups and downs, and I don’t think there’s ever
going to be a couple that’s perfect in every single way, 100% of the time. However, by
ensuring that you and your future husband have a strong foundation, and want to strive for
the same things in your lives, you can mitigate the seriousness of any conflicts that might
arrive.

After all, it’s a lot easier to argue about what the best school for your children might be, for
example, than whether you should even have children at all.

Relationships

Is Getting Back Together With An Ex Ever

A Good Idea?
There's no question in your mind that you miss him, but is it really smart to get back
together?

By Keelia ClarksonApr 29th 20233 min read

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Summer loveee/Shutterstock

Maybe you’ve been broken up for only a couple of months, or maybe you haven’t seen him
for several years – either way, your ex is on your mind. Whether you randomly bumped
into him at a cafe, went to a mutual friend’s birthday party, or got an unexpected “How are
you?” text from him, he’s suddenly back in your life.

And if you’re totally honest, the chemistry is still there. You still find yourself attracted to
him, still laugh at his jokes, still like being around him – and you’re starting to wonder if
you made the right decision when you guys broke up. In fact, if he asked you to get back
together with him, you might say yes.

At the same time, though, you’re worried that you’re making a huge mistake even
considering getting back together with your ex. What if you get hurt again? What if things
end up blowing up? What if you’re wasting time on a relationship that should’ve stayed in
the past? Is it ever a good idea to get back with your ex?

Here are a few things to consider.

Make Sure You Aren’t Acting Out of Desperation or

Nostalgia
When you think about your relationship with your ex, you probably have a good amount of
positive memories associated with him. Maybe you’ve been reminiscing about the early
days of your relationship, or reflecting on the fun dates you used to go on, or thinking about
the friend group you shared.

One of the reasons we might go back to an ex is because we’re feeling a mixture of a few
things – loneliness, wistfulness, and desire for connection. And we know we can find an
answer to these things with our ex. But it’s never a good idea to go back to a relationship
simply because we’re nostalgic and lonely.

It’s never a good idea to go back to a relationship simply because you’re nostalgic and
lonely.

Do some soul-searching; if this is at all the reason you’re considering getting back with
him, it may be best not to move forward with it.

Remind Yourself Why It Ended

When an ex randomly comes back into your life, it’s all too easy to only remember the
good things about him and the relationship – the way he made you feel special, the amazing
dates he planned, the long, deep talks you used to have with him. All you can remember is
all that was right.
Before deciding to get back together with him, it’s helpful to remind yourself why the
relationship ended. Remember the reality of the relationship, the things that annoyed or
disappointed you, the reasons you (or he) ended it in the first place.

If it ended for something like cheating, that might prove to be too difficult to come back
from – not only was the trust in the relationship completely broken, but who's to say that
infidelity won't happen again? On the other hand, if things ended because of something
more ambiguous, like personality differences or small annoyances, it could be more
plausible to think about rekindling things.

Do You Have Reason To Believe It Would Work?

If, after you’ve taken the time to reflect on why the relationship ended in the first place, you
still find yourself playing with the idea of going back to him, ask yourself whether or not
you genuinely have reason to believe things would work this time around.

If one or both of you have done the work to mature and change for the better in the
meantime, you might find that the issues that led to the relationship’s demise aren’t as
relevant as they once were. But if there’s no evidence that anything has changed (in either
one of you) since the relationship ended, then it’s probably best not to proceed.

Take Things Slowly instead of Picking Up Where You

Left Off
If you do decide to get back together, it’s understandable to want to try to pick things up
exactly where you left them off, as if you’re making up for lost time. The relationship
already passed certain milestones, so it might even feel natural to proceed as if nothing ever
happened.

You’ll both need time to get used to each other again and to create new, healthier
dynamics.

But even if it’s a good idea to get back together, this isn’t a wise way to approach a
relationship that needs to be rebuilt. You’ll both need time to get used to each other again
and to create new, healthier dynamics that will allow the relationship to last this time
around. So instead of rushing back into things, try your best to take things slowly.

Be Realistic and Remember You’re Both Still Human

It’s only natural to romanticize the rekindling of an old love, to think of all the ways the
relationship will be different this time, and to idealize what could be. But it’s also natural to
be a bit unrealistic with how much “better” we think things will be.
Even if you’ve both made a lot of effort to grow since you broke up, the reality is that
you’re both still human, and you’ll still get on each other’s nerves from time to time.
Maybe a few of the same issues from the relationship’s past will surface again, or maybe
new ones will pop up.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get back together, but that it’s crucial to approach the
relationship’s second go with managed, healthy expectations.

Closing Thoughts

Getting back together with an ex isn’t always a bad idea, but it’s important to consider why
you want to go back to him, and whether or not anything has changed enough for it to be a
healthy decision.

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Relationships

12 Things You Need To Discuss With Your

Boyfriend Before You Get Married
It’s best to make sure you’re on the same page well before exchanging wedding vows.

By Keelia ClarksonApr 26th 20234 min read

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Dmytro Kapitonenko/Shutterstock

You recently got engaged (or maybe you’re pretty sure he’s popping the question soon!),
and you’re ecstatic at the thought of getting married. He’s sweet, trustworthy, steady,
loving, and funny, and you could definitely see yourself spending the rest of your life with
him.

You’ve been perusing wedding dress shops, scouring the internet for the most beautiful
venues, and pondering who you might invite to celebrate your special day with you. It’s
natural to get caught up in the flurry of planning a fairytale wedding – the day that you’ll
always look back on as the first day of the rest of your life.

But well before you say “I do,” there are a few important topics to discuss with your fiancé,
topics that will help give you a fuller understanding of what being married to him will
actually look like, topics that will show you whether or not building a life with him is wise.

Here are 12 questions you need to talk about before you walk down the aisle.

1. What Is Your Money Mindset?

One poll found that 70% of married couples with an income over $50,000 fight about
money more than anything else – which tells us that money is incredibly important to
discuss before getting married.

What are his spending habits like? Is he a saver or a spender? Does he have any college
debt? Any credit card debt? While you don’t have to have everything in common, it’s
probably for the best that you’re both on the same page when it comes to money.

2. Is Faith Important to You?

Another topic you don’t want to gloss over? Religion. Our faith, or lack of it, informs the
way we see the world. It influences the values we hold, the principles we live by, and what
we desire most in life. Faith isn’t a neutral subject when we’re trying to meld our life with
someone else’s.

Is he religious at all? Is faith important to him? Do his views/values align with yours? Not
sharing at least similar ideas about religion can lead to all kinds of conflict. For example, it
might be important to you to take your future children to church. If your husband isn’t on
board with that, and even devalues it, this can create a painful rift in the marriage (one that
the kids will feel too).

3. Do You Want Kids?

Speaking of children, it’s in your best interest to discuss your and his feelings about
parenthood long before the wedding. Does he want children? Do you? How many does he
want? How long does he want to wait? What if fertility issues arise? Would he be open to
adoption/fostering?

Because women have a limited time to have children, and because having children (or not)
isn’t something to convince someone to do or compromise on, it’s smart to ensure your
desires align before agreeing to spend the rest of your life with him.

4. How Do You Want To Raise Your Kids?

Agreeing on wanting kids is just the tip of the iceberg. You also have to align on how you
want to raise children – what parenting style you want to try, what kind of rules and
boundaries you’ll set, and how you’d handle a variety of situations (such as a toddler
throwing a tantrum in public or a teen sneaking out).

What are a few things about the way he was raised that he would change? What about his
upbringing would he pass on to his children? Do your ideas of what “good parenting” is
match up? Would you be a united front, or too often on opposite spectrums?

For a marriage to be healthy and life-giving, we have to feel free to express our beliefs.

5. What Are Your Political Views?

While it’s not necessary to be in complete and total agreement politically, you’ll also
appreciate not having to hide your thoughts, opinions, or ballot from your husband. For a
marriage to be healthy and life-giving, we have to feel free to express our beliefs.

Do politics matter to him? What are his views on hot-button issues? Do you feel free to
have open, respectful, constructive discussions about politics with him? Do you at least
generally agree with each other?

6. What’s Your Ideal Lifestyle?

If you’re planning to build a life with him, it’s best that you have a similar vision for how
your life ought to look and similar desires for your life. This topic sounds a bit ambiguous,
but here are a few key questions to focus on: Where does he see himself living? What kind
of lifestyle does that place entail? Would he relocate for a job, or is place more important to
him than profession? If he could paint a picture of his ideal life 10 years from now, what
would it look like?

7. What Is Your Attitude Toward Sex?

As your potential life partner, it’s important that he treats intimacy the same way you do.
Does he see it as just a physical act that doesn’t require commitment, or does he think it’s
important to wait until marriage? Or is he somewhere in between?
This isn’t only reflective of how he’ll approach sex in your relationship with him and what
he’ll expect, but also of how he’ll one day teach your children about it – will he be
instilling values you agree with?

8. Is Being Near Family Important to You?

Some of us prefer to keep family at arm’s length, only ever seeing them on holidays and
birthdays. Others prefer for their family to have a more active role in their life – to the point
where they’ll move somewhere just to be closer to them.

Is his family important to him? Does he want to involve them in his life and live near them?
How does this match up with how you feel about your family? Does it seem like one of you
will always be compromising more than the other, or like your families will be competing
for attention?

Is divorce something he reserves as an option, or does he believe marriage is for life?

9. What Is Your Opinion on Divorce?

While divorce rates have recently begun to decline, it’s hardly an uncommon occurrence.
Divorce has become somewhat normalized in the United States, meaning that even if it’s
not something you’d consider, it’s essential to discuss it with your potential husband.

Is divorce something he reserves as an option, or are there very few circumstances under
which he’d think about it? Would he consider going to marriage counseling before
resorting to divorce? Or does he believe marriage is for life?

10. What Is Your Love Language?

Love is something we all express and receive differently – these differences are perfectly
captured in the five love languages: quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts
of service, and gifts. One (or two) love languages will be significantly more meaningful to
someone than another.

This means it’s important to be familiar with his love language(s), even if it doesn’t come
naturally to you. Is he someone who appreciates a sweet “Thinking of you and how great
you are” mid-day text? Is he all about regular, technology-free date nights? Does it make
him feel loved when you hold his hand?

11. How Do You Handle Conflict?

Just like we each offer love differently, we also handle conflict differently. Some of us
might prefer to continue talking through an issue until we come to a solution, and others
might prefer to take a step back to process on their own. Some of us learned how to fight
well, while others never learned the art of managing a disagreement.

Was he ever taught how to handle conflict? Does he see conflict as “us vs the problem” or
as “me vs you”? If your approaches to conflict are different, is he willing to compromise on
his way of handling conflict?

12. What Are Your Plans for the Future?

Whether he’s the type that has a loose idea of where he’d like to be in five years, or he’s the
type that has a solid plan he’s working toward, it’s important that you’re able to find
common ground with his plans for his future.

What goals, if any, is he currently pursuing? What does he want to accomplish in the next
10 years? What are his priorities in life, and are they similarly ranked to yours? Does the
trajectory of his life align with yours? Do you want the same things?

Closing Thoughts

While it’s not as romantic as planning a fairytale wedding, it’s crucial that we cover these
topics with the man we’re thinking of marrying, raising children alongside, and spending
the rest of our life with.

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