Contents

citypaper October 11, 2006

INSIDE October 11, 2006 Volume 2, Issue 4

COVER STORY 701 Gervais Street

4 Water, Water Everywhere Suite 150-218
Columbia, SC 29201
The polluted and convoluted story behind DHEC’s audit of 803.256.6670
Richland County Publisher
Paul F. Blake
803-446-3458
paul@columbiacitypaper.com

Managing Editor

NEWS, POLITICS & COMMENTARY

Todd Morehead
803-740-9090
todd@columbiacitypaper.com

News Editor
3 Letters To the Reader Et Tu, Screech? Corey Hutchins
6 Iraq Report A little bribe among friends 803-261-6874
corey@columbiacitypaper.com
8 Jeff Whitt Annotated
6 9 The Good Fight Scarborough on erotic poetry Iraq Correspondent
David Axe
10 State House Report Born and bred in the briar patch david@columbiacitypaper.com

11 Mr. Meaner’s Crime Watch Washington Correspondent

Chris McCarter
15 Ted Rall ‘Ve ‘Vill Crush You McCarter@columbiacitypaper.com

Sports
Movies
Deric Kempsell

Angry Whale
Sean Rayford
21 Wake Up at Talladega theangrywhale@columbiacitypaper.com

10 General Sales Manager

A. J. Taylor

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

803.920.0877
14 aj@columbiacitypaper.com

Account Executives
Jennifer Greenwood
14 Theater A Drunken Irish Play at USC jen@columbiacitypaper.com
17 Soundboard 803.261.5984

18 Bum of the Week Laura Brown

laura@columbiacitypaper.com
19 Deric Spoils the Movies School for Scoundrels 803.727.7537
Movie Times John Starino
20 Jonesin’ Crosswords john@columbiacitypaper.com
803.463.8297
Gov. Sanford’s Horoscopes
21 su|do|ku Want to join our sales team?
803-446-3458
22 New York Times Crossword
21
Contributors Polly Baker, Arik Bjorn, Andy
Savage Love Brack, Max Cannon, Joe Fotalatte, Hick’ry
23 Really Free Classifieds Hawkins, Matt Jones, Deric Kempsell, David
Martin, Aaron McGruder, Ted Rall, Sean Rayford,
Sarah Maddocks, Dan Savage, Jacky Schuler,
Cathy Warner
Comics Alternative cartoons: Perry Bible Fellowship (p.7), Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume
Red Meat (p. 11), and Ted Rall (p.15) responsibility for the entire content of their ad-
vertisements. The first copy of Columbia City
Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 each.
Views expressed do not necessarily represent
Cover By Sean Rayford the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its pub-
lisher. (C)2006 Columbia City Paper, LLC.
News Tips: news@columbiacitypaper.com
Submissions welcome (query first):
todd@columbiacitypaper.com

FREE CLASSIFIEDS
WWW.COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM
18
4 Letters
Letters To The Reader
Dear USC game day ticket scalpers,
What you’re doing is technically illegal,
so threatening to shoot up my car after I sell
you a student ticket for $5 will probably only
increase your jail time. Next time specify that
you’re looking for general admission. I mean,
how often do you expect a bag of sucked-on
Lemonheads when you’re really looking for
some crack rock?
Columbia City Paper
Dear Dustin Diamond Sex Tape,
Et Tu, Screech? Must all of our childhood
memories be sullied? What would Mr. Belding
say about you filming yourself sodomizing
two women, while screeching obscenities in
your trademark voice? What would Zach and
Slater think? Well, at least we all have one
consolation: thank Christ it wasn’t Paul from
The Wonder Years. Yikes.
Columbia City Paper
Dear local sports radio personality (whom
we’ll mercifully keep unnamed),
Here are some choice quotes about the
game from you that didn’t appear on the
air that night while you stuffed your face
with popcorn and let your grey Hanes briefs
hang out for everyone to see. About certain
reporters in the press box: “F---ing retards
in here.” About the attendance and the
fans in the stands: “That’s shameful. That
is shameful. God.” About the Gamecocks:
“Some things never change in USC football.”
About the visiting team’s fan turnout: “The
f---ing place is empty up top.” Keep up the
good work, bud. You know who you are. And,
maybe we’ll just go ahead and give you a
wedgie next time.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Area Women,
Halloween is fast approaching. It’s that
glorious time of year when you all throw
caution and business attire to the wind and
descend on area bars and parties drunk
and barely dressed in skimpy costumes.
Red vinyl devils. French maids. Strumpet
cheerleaders. Nurses busting out of their
uniforms. You name it. Tell you what: we’ll
announce a contest right here. The lady with
the cutest/skimpiest/hottest costume photo
will win City Paper swag and publication in
the Nov 9th issue. Send entries to talkback@
columbiacitypaper.com or to our Gervais St.
mailing address. (Must be 18 years old to
enter).
Columbia City Paper
Dear Peppy Morning Show,
Damnit, I don’t care about a pumpkin pie
recipe! And, it would be nice if you wouldn’t
cut into the cooking segment with gruesome
details about the latest car bombing in
Baghdad. It’s 6:15 in the morning! Why
not just rerun some old “Lost in Space”
episodes, so I can vegetate with my coffee
in peace? And, what are those people doing
out on the street at this hour, holding up signs
and waving at the camera? No! Please, not
Bon Jovi performing an acoustic number in
the studio! Good God, what’s wrong with you
people?
Columbia City Paper
Dear Will Folks,
We heard that you’ve been hired on as
muscle for the South Carolina GOP to deal
with “attacks by Democrats” (quote taken
from David Stanton’s report on WIS-TV).
Man, it’s gonna be a long campaign trail. It
citypaper October 11, 2006
BANNED
would be easy to make an analogy about two
boxers getting ready to square off in the ring,
but we wouldn’t want to get you too worked
up. We all know what happened last time you
started swinging at people. Jokes!
Columbia City Paper
Dear 5 Points Clean Team,
We appreciate your dedicated army of
yellow-uniformed soldiers who scour 5 Points
clean, dutifully removing every scrap of litter
or errant bum turd on the sidewalk. Now that
the place looks nice, maybe you could ask
your bosses to install some police call boxes
like they have up on campus. On October
4, maybe cops could’ve been alerted and
responded before that bar brawler drew his
gun on Harden Street, and had to be chased
down and tasered in front of our office, while
we were laying out the paper. Oh, and we
think people are sick of gettting mugged at
night. Might want to pass that along, too.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Local Hipster Types,
What we need in these trying times is for you
bozos to be mindful of whom you’re rebelling
against. You have to continually foster a local
alternative/arts scene. Keep that in mind when
you shuffle past Adriana’s for a cup of coffee
at Starbucks (careful to keep it out of your
beard). Beware, too: those ironic jelly shoes
from Hip-Wa-Zee and your PBR money in the
register at the Whig will, in a roundabout way,
go to pay Michael Graham’s salary; a pro-war,
anti-gay, foaming-at-the-mouth Republican
columnist. Forget nihilism, existentialism, or
whatever you’ve read in Sartre or Genet. Be
proactive. ...Check yo’ self.
Columbia City Paper
Dear Henry McMaster & Other Homophobes,
Drinking Liberally summed up the GOP’s
Cannot be picked up at the following locations:
sick Foley response pretty well with this e-
mail so we’ll print a portion here without their
permission:
“Nevertheless, following their long
Bad Ass Coffee
tradition of no-situation-is-so-horrible-
that-we-can’t-use-it-for-political-gain,
Delaney’s
Republicans are spewing pure vile rather
than taking responsibility for allowing Foley to Keg O’Nails
remain in a position of power after the first
accusations surfaced last year (or earlier). Speakeasy
The Saloon
Some even have the unmitigated gall to say
that the reason they didn’t expose Foley’s
behavior earlier was that they would have
El Burrito
been accused of gay-bashing.
What they can’t get through their narrow
little minds is that what they are doing with
that very statement (ie., linking paedophilia
Rosewood Market
with homosexuality) is gay-bashing. What
they can’t bring themselves to admit is that
Morganelli’s Liquors & Wines
the fact that Foley is gay is neither here nor
there. Dealing with the accusations against Miyo’s
Foley when they first came up, rather than
covering them up to save the Republican
party from embarrassment, would not have
been gay-bashing -- it would have been
obeying the law. Call 803-256-6670 if you would like to carry
Speaking of obeying the law, make sure
that when you join us for a beer this Tuesday,
Columbia City Paper at your establishment.
you know your limits. If you really feel the Thanks to all our distributors that support things
need to buy beer once you’ve had enough, I
volunteer to drink it.” like the First Amendment and the freedoms that
our troops signed up to fight for. Support our
What: Drinking Liberally
When: Tuesday, October 10, 7:15ish troops and carry Columbia City Paper today!
Where: Publick House
2307 Devine Street
Columbia, SC 29205
(803)256-2207
 News citypaper October 11, 2006
For years Richland County had virtually no
system in place to prevent pollution in storm
water runoff from entering local lakes, creeks,
and rivers. Heavy rains can wash herbicides
from farmlands, hazardous materials from con-
struction sites and factories, automobile oil,
curbside garbage and all manner of other pol-
lutants into the gutters, then down into the bod-
ies of water the county’s citizens use for fishing,
swimming, and other recreational activities. Un-
der pressure from a citizen lawsuit, DHEC fined
the county over $800,000 for negligence back
in April 2006, which garnered a brief flicker of
media attention before the issue disappeared
back into the murk of interdepartmental red
tape and administrative jargon.
City Paper dug through documents to de-
termine what exactly happened to bring about
the citizen suit and the resulting fine and also
followed up with both DHEC and Richland
County to check their progress in implementing
a viable storm water management program.
The Department of Environmental Health
and Control issued a National Pollutant Dis-
charge Elimination System (NPDES) permit to
Richland County in March of 2000, which al-
lowed for the discharge of storm water from its
municipal storm water system (a.k.a. the MS4
system) to all receiving waters— creeks, lakes,
and rivers— in the county. The NPDES permit,
to have been renewed in 2005, specified that
Richland County was to “effectively regulate”
the pollutants of the storm water system they
owned and operated. The county was also ex-
pected to develop and implement a Storm Wa-
ter Management Program (SWMP) to prevent,
regulate, and/or remove pollution from storm
water and to maintain the overall quality of the
water discharged by their MS4 system. The
program has been funded since 2000 through
a drainage tax levied on Richland County prop-
erty owners. In June 2001, Ogden Environmen-
tal and Engineering Services prepared a SWMP
for Richland County, which was submitted to
DHEC.
But Richland County didn’t fix the pollution
problems or fully implement the SWMP.
In December of 2003, the Environmental
Protection Agency (EPA) and DHEC audited the
Storm Water Management Division of Richland
County. The audit found that the county had no
scheduled inspection and maintenance pro-
gram for storm water control structures, such
as drainage ditches and detention ponds; no
procedures in place to conduct inspections of
high-risk facilities, like factories and commer-
cial farms that use chemicals and pesticides;
and no system to control bacteria and chemical
runoff from residential areas, such as automo-
Now, almost six months later, has Richland
County started the process to actually fix
the storm water runoff problem?
bile oil and sludge from trash dumpsters. This
polluted storm water, also called “nonpoint-
source pollution,” is one of the leading causes
of water pollution in South Carolina and can,
among other things, lead to unnaturally large
algae blooms, which deplete oxygen levels in
the water and harm wildlife.
Department of Environmental Health and
Control officials rejected the county’s applica-
tion for permit renewal in October of 2004 and
also rejected a revised permit renewal applica-
tion in January of 2005. At a quarterly meeting
of S.C. Storm Water Managers in March of
2005, then-Storm Water Manager of Richland
County, Rocky Archer, presented a lecture enti-
tled, “Surviving and Thriving with EPA Audits.”
In the lecture Archer stated that an inven-
tory of countywide storm drainage systems was
90 percent complete and that an inspection
schedule for structural controls was in prog-
ress. They also amended the county’s Erosion
and Sediment Control Ordinance to be consis-
tent with state and federal regulations. Accord-
ing to notes from the lecture, Archer reiterated
that the “key focus for Stormwater [sic] Man-
agement is to identify and evaluate the sites
within the county that handle, store, and treat
or dispose of municipal waste to determine the
risks presented to waters-of-the-state.” He also
said the county had deputized personnel to en-
force the ordinance provisions for storm water
investigation, management and control. “High-
risk industrial facilities in Richland County have
been identified and mapped in a GIS database.
[...] Some inspections have been performed.”
But the controls the county had in place
weren’t enough. The initial NPDES permit ex-
pired in April 2005. Since DHEC continued to
reject their subsequent applications due to
inadequate pollution controls, the county oper-
ated for over a year without a permit.
In July of 2005, DHEC officials met with
agents of Richland County to discuss the vio-
lations found in the EPA’s storm water audit.
At that time, DHEC did not impose a penalty
on the county for those violations. Instead,
the county agreed to submit a “Corrective Ac-
tion Plan,” which consists of an itemized list of
problems in storm water management and the
deadlines by which those problems would be
brought up to standard (the same problems
By Todd Morehead
that should have been fixed under the original
NPDES permit from 2000). The two agencies
left it at that.
Nine months later, USC law student Patti
McKenzie, had had enough. On April 10, 2006
McKenzie and her attorney, Eugene McCall,
exercising the rights entitled to citizens under
the Federal Clean Water Act, sent a letter to
state Attorney General Henry McMaster stating
McKenzie’s intention to file a citizen suit against
both DHEC and Richland County because of
their negligence. Copies of the letter were also
sent to U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonza-
les, DHEC Commissioner Earl Hunter, and J.
Milton Pope, the interim administrator of Rich-
land County.
The letter of intent to sue prompted DHEC
to impose a harsher penalty against Richland
County, and they fined the county $830,549. The
fine could have been as much as $1,000,000,
but DHEC reduced the amount.
Columbia City Paper asked DHEC spokes-
man Thom Berry why the agency didn’t fine the
county the full amount.
“...[T]he penalty amount and payment
process were reached through negotiation
with Richland County,” he said. “While we can
require the penalty to be paid within a shorter
amount of time, we also recognize the financial
hardship that can cause, even for a govern-
ment entity. We could set penalties for violat-
ing certain guideposts or benchmarks. We’ll be
watching Richland County to ensure they do
comply with the law.”
Berry also said DHEC wouldn’t get the
penalty money and that it would go into the
state’s general fund. “Since the violation falls
under the state’s Pollution Control Act, half of
the penalty goes to the county or municipality
where the violation occurred. In this case, Rich-
land County will get half of the penalty amount
returned. That process was set up in the legis-
lation.”
The fine garnered brief media attention in
News citypaper October 11, 2006 5
The State newspaper and on local TV. 2. The county was to meet with the Clemson
Now, almost six months later, has Richland Extension Service to synchronize efforts to imple-
County started the process to actually fix the ment and improve the MS4 Pesticide, Herbicide,
storm water runoff problem? and Fertilizer program by March 31, 2006.
On Sept. 8, City Paper sent a detailed infor- 3. The county was to develop standard op-
mation request to DHEC, requesting confirma- erating procedures and submit them to DHEC by
tion that Richland County had completed each April 30, 2006.
benchmark by
the deadlines “Rich-
provided in the land County
Corrective Ac- met with SC-
tion Plan. DoT officials
On Sept. along with
15, after receiv- their NPDES
ing no response Permit consul-
from DHEC, City tant and coor-
Paper sent a fol- dinated efforts
low up e-mail. “[ on Road Run-
I ] haven’t heard off Manage-
from the folks in ment Program
Bureau of Water (RRMP) by the
that were look- above men-
ing over the tioned dead-
other questions line date,”
you had that I Snowden
couldn’t answer confirmed to
earlier,” a DHEC Irresponsible citizens worsen the problem. Here, litter clogs City Paper
spokesman said. the flow of water in the storm water canal that runs through via email on
“Hang in there... Maxy-Gregg Park in Columbia. October 4.
we’ll get ‘em.” Snowden
As of press time, DHEC has not responded. also confirmed that the other benchmarks listed
DHEC’s media relations department is top above had been met to the detail within every
notch and while they have been as helpful as deadline set by DHEC.
circumstances allow, the fact that DHEC— the It appears that Richland County is making
very department that is supposed to police Rich- a concerted effort to improve their storm water
land County’s storm water correction proce- management program. DHEC issued the county
dures— hasn’t been able to provide information a new 5-year cycle NPDES permit on September
from within its own department, begs the ques- 11, 2006, which is effective through September
tion: have they even enforced the deadlines in the 10, 2011.
Corrective Action Plan? DHEC stated to WLTX on May 6, that the
According to Stephany Snowden, a spokes- overall water quality in Richland County did not
woman for Richland County, the county has taken suffer from the storm water problem.
the initiative on its own, stating, “Richland County City Paper plans to conduct tests of the wa-
has been proactive in ensuring that the permit ter through a private company to guage pollution
and CAP [Corrective Action Plan] requirements levels in the waters of Richland County.
are being met.” Stay tuned.
The initial benchmarks within the CAP were:
1. Richland County was to coordinate with
the Dept. of Transportation to improve road drain-
age by March 31, 2006.

AUDIT TIMELINE
March 2000 - DHEC issues Richland County a NPDES permit (renewable in 2005)

June 2001- Storm Water Management Program drafted for Richland County

December 2003 - EPA and DHEC audit Richland County Is available at 400 locations and these fine establishments:
October 2004 - DHEC rejects Richland County NPDES permit renewal
Adriana’s @ 721 Saluda (Support
January 2005 - DHEC rejects revised Richland County NPDES renewal application locally owned coffee shops)
Publick House @ 2307 Devine St
March 2005 - Richland County storm water manager briefs department on ways Rockaways @ 2719 Rosewood Dr
to improve system. Goatfeathers @ 2017 Devine St
Saddle Ridge @ 700 Gervais
April 2005 - Original NPDES permit expires. Richland County storm water system Yo Burritto @ 2631 Devine Street
is operating without a permit. Earthfare @ 3312-B Devine St
S & D Package Store @ 2518 Forest Dr
July 2005 - DHEC meets with Richland County and imposes a “Corrective Action Plan” Sakura Restaurant @ 4827 Forest Dr
in lieu of leveling a fine against the county.
NOW AVAILABLE AT BLUE CACTUS!
April 2006 - Patti McKenzie threatens to sue DHEC and Richland County for
negligence under the Federal Clean Water Act.

April/May 2006 - DHEC, under pressure from McKenzie, fines Richland

County $800,000.

May thru September 2006 – Richland County takes steps to improve pollution Call 803-446-3458 to invite an est. 60,000+ readers a month
into your establishment with the purchase of an afforable
controls

September 2006- DHEC issues Richland County a new NPDES permit effective
through 2011
advertisement in Columbia’s only locally owned alt weekly.
6 News
British forces try a little cultural sensitivity in southern Iraq
By DAVID AXE
Basra, Iraq -- Shadows are growing
long on the afternoon of October 1 when
British Army Captain Steve Morte, 39, strolls
onto a garden courtyard of a decaying
Saddam-era palace-turned-British base
in this sweltering city of 2 million. In one
sweaty hand he clutches a government-
issued receipt book. In the other, $25,000
in cash in a soggy yellow envelope. His grip
on the money tightens are he approaches
two Iraqi men sitting on a bench, for they
are … or were … the enemy.
But dealing with erstwhile enemies -
- and tolerating cultural mores that seem
somehow wrong to Westerners -- is critical
to creating a sustainable Iraq out of the
bloody morass in this divided country.
Ultimately, Iraqis must govern themselves,
and they’ll do it in their own ways.
Increasingly, in the conservative, tribal
south, British occupiers are making peace
with an emerging Iraq that looks nothing
like the United States or Great Britain, but
is secure and sustainable all the same.
Morte forces a very believable smile
and greets the men in Arabic. They spring
to their feet to embrace him. Pleasantries
duly exchanged, everyone sits and Morte
gets down to business. The Iraqis -- one the
son of a powerful sheik in the dangerous
Qarmat Ali neighborhood of Basra -- hold
an $80,000 contract, issued by the Brits
using U.S. reconstruction funds, to repair
street curbs ruined by decades of neglect
and by more recent attention by British
armored vehicles. Before he can hand
Nutrition Warehouse
Get advice from an expert, Former Mr. South
Carolina and owner of Nutrition Warehouse
Getting It Right
Lt. Col. David Labouchere in Maysan. Sept. 29, 2006
over this latest payment, Morte says, he
needs proof that curbs are actually getting
repaired. So the sheik’s son hands over
photos of his work and Morte pays them
the requisite attention.
But this isn’t about curbs. Not really.
Several British soldiers have died in Qarmat
Ali, victims of the area’s xenophobic,
deeply religious and heavily-armed Shi’ite
residents and the armed wings of the local
religious parties. Ideally, the city’s native
police force would keep the peace in
Qarmat Ali, but cops here are corrupt “on
an industrial scale,” according to one British
officer, and “infiltrated by special interest
Will Pump You Up!
One Free
Personal
Training
Session
(new Clients Only, Expires 10/31/06)
1603 Broad River Road
Boozer Shopping Center
groups,” -- ie, militias and murder gangs
-- according to another. The resulting three
years of lawlessness have been too long,
and now the coalition is eager to retake the
neighborhood. That means winning some
short-term goodwill, just enough to get
a sizeable British force into Qarmat Ali in
order to jumpstart some major, long-term
reconstruction projects while purging the
local police force, “sorting the sheep from
the goats,” in the words of 41-year-old
Lieutenant Colonel Simon Winkworth, who
overseas Iraqi police reform for the British
Army.
Hence the curb project. That $80,000
will employ as many as 50 men for
several months, hopefully creating
a lot of goodwill in a neighborhood
where unemployment hovers around
50 percent. “Buying a little consent” is
how Morte describes his mission. After
he hands the cash to the eager Iraqis,
Morte casually mentions that British
forces are considering conducting
operations in Qarmat Ali. “Will we be
welcome?”
The sheik’s son seems to ponder
the question. He nods. Through his
interpreter, he says, “The sheiks in the
area are very happy because you’ve
done good work here.” By which he
means that he has done good work
there -- and the Brits just paid for it.
But in impoverished southern Iraq,
resource-rich but desperately in need
of capital, a little money goes a long
way. And victory here certainly can be
bought, in part, if local residents will
just stop shooting long enough for the
Brits to open their wallets.
Morte lets himself smile just a
little. For months he’s been plugging
away at more than 200 small projects
employing thousands of Baswaris,
drawing on an allotment of $100 million
in U.S. funds, slowly turning attitudes in
favor of an increased British presence,
laying the groundwork for a major push
into the city that Morte’s commanders
hope will open the final chapter in the
occupation of southern Iraq.
citypaper October 11, 2006
At the same time that Morte is plying
formerly hostile Baswaris with cash, a
hundred miles north in barren Maysan
province, maverick British Army Lieutenant
Colonel David Labouchere is leading a
small force of Land Rovers armed with
7.62-millimeter machine guns in a mad
dash across the soggy desert. His mission:
to patrol the long marshy border with Iran
for weapons smugglers and infiltrating
foreign extremists.
It ain’t easy. Maysan is a long way
from anything. It’s hot. It’s alternately too
wet and too dusty. The scorpions are
aggressive. And the locals “hate anyone
who isn’t a Marsh Arab … unless you come
bearing gifts.”
So 43-year-old Labouchere bears a lot
of gifts. Every time he stops to chat with
local sheiks, his troops hand out soccer balls
and bottles of water to grabby children. If
he passes by a stranded motorcyclist short
on gasoline on some remote highway, he
stops his whole convoy to offer help. And
whenever possible, he brings along a
military surgeon to look after Maysan’s sick
kids and pregnant women.
But the most important gift he bears is
a subtle one. More than most commanders,
Labouchere appreciates the people he
polices. “This is a very volatile armed
society -- old fashioned to a feudal extent.
Tribal influences affect everything we do
here. And there’s an Iranian link whether
we like it or not” since tribes have married
across that artificial border for centuries.
The problem with previous British
commanders in Maysan, Labouchere says,
was that they ignored local cultural factors
as they plotted their campaigns against
smugglers and foreign infiltrators. Instead
of darting across the desert in fleeting
patrols, they operated from a big permanent
base that was an irritating symbol of
foreign occupation to proud natives.
Instead of allying with local tribes, making
them the eyes and ears of the relatively
small British force, previous commanders
arrested tribesmen nearly indiscriminately
just for doing what tribesmen have always
done: carrying weapons and solving tribal
disputes with shows of arms.
“You have to be and think as an Arab -
- that’s not a bad thing,” Labouchere says.
With his deeply tanned skin, piercing eyes
and cloth headdress, the colonel certainly
looks the part. And he acts it too. After
two uninterrupted months in the desert,
Labouchere “has gone completely native,”
according to one British officer. Meaning he
placidly accepts a certain level of internal
fighting in Maysan so long as the cross-
border gun-running and foreign infiltrations
stop. And with the tribes increasingly free
to (violently) govern themselves under
Labouchere’s benevolent, hands-off
occupation, Maysanians are more tolerant
of their British “guests”, more confident in
their own self-governance and more willing
to do their part to secure the border.
The end result two months into his
roving desert command? The price of
a black market AK-47 has quadrupled.
News citypaper October 11, 2006 7

Iraq riot cops line up for a literacy test at their Basra station
Rocket prices have jumped by a factor
of six. Attacks on British forces are down
and foreign investment is up in this once-
neglected province. “I suspect a lack of
supply,” Labouchere says in his measured
cadence, referring to a dearth of the illegal
weapons that empower insurgents and
terrorists. “We are making a huge difference
here..
Back in Basra, on October 2, 27-
year-old Corporal Stacey Jackson leads a
section of Royal Military Police to an Iraqi
police station. This is the earliest phase of
that big push into Basra for which Morte
has been preparing the ground. But those
expecting a dramatic, heavily-armed
assault are disappointed. The Brits’ bold
new plan hinges not on firepower, but on a
lot of paperwork at Iraqi police stations.
In a backpack, Jackson carries stacks
of exams and registration forms and a
digital camera. Smiling and waving her
way past a phalanx of slouching cops who
openly ogle the pretty, blue-eyed blonde,
she installs her team in a bare room whose
only features are a ticking ceiling fan, a
weathered desk and a rusting naked bed
frame. Through an interpreter, she orders
the hundreds of Iraqi cops milling around
to line up and see her one at a time. She
“anyone suspected of association with
multi-national forces,” has scared off the
major regional investors that are the real
prerequisite to eventual economic self-
sufficiency in southern Iraq.
The Baswari police are powerless in
most neighborhoods. Where they possess
any power at all, it’s as thugs, thieves and
murderers.
Reforming the police force will go a
long way towards reassuring investors and
putting Iraq back on track to security. But
how do you reform a police force for which
bribes and impromptu “fees” are an old
way of life? “What is [police] corruption?” those “goats,” as Winkworth calls the
Burbridge asks rhetorically. “Iraqis don’t worst cops. The first step is to conduct
mind paying small ‘fines’ to Iraqi cops.” a full census of the Basra police force,
Burbridge proposes that reforming recording names and backgrounds,
the Iraqi police is not a matter of enforcing registering weapons and shooting
Western-style ethics in regards to mug shots for permanent files. Next, a
unauthorized fines, but simply a matter literacy test to see who’s even capable
of weeding out the potential murderers of reading laws and attending training
so that Baswaris aren’t actively afraid courses.
of their own cops. Meanwhile, coalition Watching two Iraqi cops openly
forces and prospective investors should reading each other’s answers on their
consider periodic shakedowns by police as written exams, Jackson laughs --
akin to tipping at restaurants. The bottom and demonstrates her own growing
line, Burbridge says, is having realistic appreciation of Iraqi culture.
expectations. She says that, anticipating

reaches into the backpack …
“There’s a perception of deteriorating
security in Basra,” says British Army
spokesman Major Charlie Burbridge. That
perception, based on widespread reports
of massive police corruption and “death
His commander concurs.
“We have to accept that a good district
police is present, engaged … but different”
than a Western police force, says Brigadier
James Everard, senior British commander
in Basra.
NOW
widespread cheating, she brought ten
different versions of the test.
David Axe is a freelance writer and the
author of the graphic novel WAR FIX. He
can be reached at david_axe@hotmail.

OPEN
com.
squads” in police vehicles murdering But there’ still the matter of identifying

Perry Bible Fellowship by Nick Gurewitch

8 citypaper October 11, 2006

+Fí
8IJUU
"OOPUBUFE
7JDF
1SFTJEFOU
PG
5IF
'JWF
1PJOUT
"TTPDJBUJPO
At the last Five Points Association meeting, Vice President Jeff Whitt had a few things to say about City Paper and our report
on the Association failing to file proper financials for 2005. The FPA’s balance sheet as of March 31, 2006 shows a total
checking and savings of $637,977.80, so why are these folks so uptight? Questions such as why the FPA would budget
$701,518.92 for the charity event on St. Patty’s Day and only give out $40,000 to charity is one of the many questions board
members get defensive about, and they consistently choose to attack the membership and Five Points businesses that they
should be promoting. Regardless, we’ll keep asking the questions…such as where $59,777.20 in commissions went from
the St. Patty’s Day festival? These should be answered in the next two weeks thanks to a City Paper records request from
our very busy attorney. Perhaps ya’ll will be in touch! (In the mean time feel free to keep on shooting us e-mails.)

We couldn’t find a copy at Del-

aney’s, Speakeasy and Saloon Jeff loves to get chain
since you sent us this other e-mail letter e-mail forwards.
: “ Paul, When you bring my integ-
rity in to question in a public paper,
I will say what I want to who I want.
If you were there I would have said
more. Please keep you paper out Maybe you should get
of all my units.” a new CPA

While at webster.com, you might
as well run the word “definetion”
too.
Urban Futon, Healthy By Design,
Penny Weights, Oakley’s and the
struggling retailers that haven’t
moved or gone out of business
probably feel deprived by the lack
of support for retailers when looking
at how FPA money has been spent.
Meters are also an issue; FPA mis-
represented the area.
Many merchants in Five Points think
it is a swindle that FPA events pri-
marily promote the bars in the area.
I guess as the V.P. of the Association
and part owner of Delaney’s, Speak-
easy, & Saloon; this particular swin-
dle doesn’t bother you too much.
To: paul@columbiacitypaper.com
From: JWhitt7302@aol.com
Subject: FPA
That could be the smell of
Maybe you need to read your own paper. your dumpster. The Secre-
tary of State’s office labeled
1) The heading: Five points Swindle, by definetion [sic] =use FPA as “Defunct” because
deception to obtain money or deprive someone of money, a President Hiltner failed to
scheme designed to obtain money dishonestly.
file proper financials. He
2) You ask more than once where did the money go. Do you have claimed he forgot, although
evidence that money was taken! Add those two up, you implyed he was treasurer at FPA as
[sic] dishonestly amoung [sic] the board members, including
far back as 1995.
me!! You can tap dance around it all you want, that is what you
implied.
Remenber [sic] that this is a voluntary position, we all have our
own business to run. My CPA forgets to file the right paperwork
sometimes, that does make my company dishonest or Defunk?
When I find out about it I fix it, over and done. Come on, let’s have a drink;
Good-bye Paul, I have wasted enought [sic] of my time with you! I know this great cigar
bar called Goatfeathers.
No more response will be given. There’s also a great Irish pub
called Publick House located
Jeff Whitt up Devine, oh and a slam-
ming country bar on Gervais
called Saddle Ridge.

Here’s where some of it goes:

$91,170.11 to operate the waste of
space Clean & Safe, or $40,391.35
for the “I Dig Five Points” marketing
campaign. (Which was promoting an
area that was more torn up than a so-
rostitute girl at McFly).
At no point did we accuse Jeff Whitt
of taking money. We were suggest-
ing FPA could be wasting tax-payer
money with $279,723 in expenses for
St. Patty’s Day. But what’s with the
guilty conscious Jeff?
Way to go on opening dia- I’ll be nominating myself at the
logue in your leadership next FPA meeting to run for your
role at FPA, or are you just board position.
continuing its tradition of
secrecy, defensiveness and
closed board meetings?
citypaper October 11, 2006 9
THE GOOD FIGHT
Poetry Slam
Whether King Solomon was committing
art or indulging adolescent fantasies is a
matter of opinion. But he was the king, after
all, and nobody was going to tell him that his
character was lacking or that he was out of
touch with community values. And so, 3,500
years later, we can still read his libidinous
musings in the Old Testament. And I have
yet to hear any Christian – no matter how
pompous, pious or blue-nosed – complain
that there is something wrong with that.
Eugene Platt is not so lucky. First, he is
not the king. And second, he lives in House
District 115, which has never been known for
its love of literature. Platt is a poet with six
volumes of verse, four anthologies and a book
of fiction to his credit. More importantly right
now, he is also a candidate for the District
115 House seat, challenging incumbent
Wallace Scarborough gets Republican Wallace Scarborough.
Last week thousands of District 115
down, down, way down residents went to their mailboxes and found
a glossy, four-color flyer with headlines
“O that you would kiss me with the kisses of screaming of a threat to their civilization and
your mouth!... way of life:
Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a
gazelle, that feed among the lilies… WARNING:
How fair and pleasant you are, O loved one, Contains References and Explicit Language
delectable maiden, Published by a Candidate for State House.
You are stately as a palm tree and your breasts
are like its clusters. Eugene Platt Scandal
I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold Rocks Race for State House
of its branches. O, may your breasts be like
clusters of the vine and the scent of your Local Author, Candidate
breath like apples and your kisses like the PROMOTES DEVIANT SEXUAL BEHAVIOR
best wine that goes down smoothly, gliding In Erotic Poetry Collection
over lips and teeth.”
-- Song of Solomon Citizens Ponder:
By Will Moredock, founder of the late Point newsweekly
Is this the Kind of Character
We Want in Columbia?
The fiery text of this broadside describes
the “disgust” in learning that “during the usual
course of candidate research we uncovered
something disturbing lying just beneath the
surface of a seemingly gentle mannered
man.”
Of course, what the unidentified authors
of this tract “uncovered” was in plain view in
every bookstore in Charleston. “Platt is the
author of at least two collections of poetry,
interestingly enough entitled Summer Days
with Daughter and Original Sin, which contain
entries of a sexually explicit nature….Platt
describes sex acts and details thoughts and
emotions surrounding erotic encounters.”
The authors then offer samples of Platt’s
wicked words. So sit down, gentle reader,
take a deep breath and read from “The Last
Tryst”:
(Our weekly passion spent, we fall
apart on sheets
Illicitly stained before us by legions
of lovers like us,
and savor mirrored forms lying side
by side overhead.
Beside the bed a digital clock
signals, then,
the end of another hour of stolen
bliss – and I plea;)
Not sufficiently outraged? Then read
these lines from “Blue Robe.”
lying awake, i await
your entry.
my position is that of rest,
but my attitude is anticipation.
the shower has washed away foreign
odor.
the brisk toweling has you tingling.
There is also some talk about “prize your
thighs, the comfort of pillow-soft breasts
and for blissful rest, the support of firm
buttocks.”
Now do you understand why Eugene
Platt is unfit for public office? The broadside
seethes, “Mr. Platt has demonstrated a
leaning toward highly questionable behavior
and, at best he has clearly shown the citizens
of District 115 just how out of touch he is with
their traditional values.”
The kicker in all of this is that it was done
in the name of a candidate who has been
demonstrably carrying on a highly public
and adulterous affair with another married
member of the House of Representatives.
Of course, Wallace Scarborough will claim
nothing to do with this silly and scurrilous
little flyer. His name is not on it, even if his
fingerprints are all over it. It was printed
and distributed by South Carolinians for
Responsible Government, a far rightwing
political action committee, which draws
most of its funding from the New York-based
Fund for Democracy, targets Democrats
and moderate Republicans with secret
smear campaigns and has sued the State
Ethics Commission for trying to regulate its
behavior.
These are the people who are trying to
decide the District 115 race. Don’t be fooled.
They know as much about integrity as they
know about poetry.
10 citypaper October 11, 2006
Sanford shouldn’t use “tar baby” language
At a Sept. 19 meeting of the State
Budget and Control Board, Gov. Mark
Sanford described his frustration with how
the state disposes of excess property as
“dancing with a tar baby.”
Regardless of your political persuasion,
it was a poor choice of words – especially
by a politician running for reelection.
Sanford’s use of “tar baby,” unreported
until now by the South Carolina press,
might be viewed by some as a way to
describe a “sticky situation.” But for many,
particularly South Carolinians of African-
American descent, this expression that
comes from the Uncle Remus stories by
Joel Chandler Harris is a racial epithet – a
derogatory term for black people. “As a
result, some people suggest avoiding the
use of the term in any context,” according
to a Web site on sensitive words by
Random House publishers.
Sanford’s press secretary, Joel
Sawyer, said the context of the remark was
to highlight how “the state was dealing
with a difficult-to-escape situation. The
governor was not aware that some people
view the word as having another meaning,
and if anyone was offended by his use of
that word he certainly apologizes.”
But when the Rev. Joseph Darby, the
powerful African-American pastor from
Charleston who gave the invocation at
Sanford’s inauguration, listened to an audio
tape of the budget meeting, he found the
governor’s language was “distressing and
insulting.”
“I am surprised and I am shocked
Sanford’s use of “tar baby,” unreported until now
by the South Carolina press, might be viewed by
some as a way to describe a “sticky situation.”
because Mark Sanford is a well-read man
who usually chooses his words carefully,”
said Darby, who is former vice-chair of the
state NAACP. “I would be very curious to
learn where he learned to say that phrase
with such natural comfort and I look
forward to his explanation.”
Sanford’s use of the term came
during the budget board meeting during a
discussion of how the state should dispose
of a 250-acre tract of property near the
former Myrtle Beach Air Force Base
owned by Clemson University. Earlier this
year, Sanford pushed for the board to sell
excess property through auctions. But this
month, Clemson said it wanted to sell the
attractive and developable tract through
a sealed bid process with the minimum
value set at $18 million. The university
reportedly wanted to ensure it got at least
that amount of money so it could use the
proceeds to purchase options on property
for the Upstate ICAR project.
When Sanford raised a red flag during
the budget meeting about changing how
the property was sold, he recalled how the
board agreed to sell a piece of property in
9
Dorchester County at auction, but changed
its mind by August:
“The explanation used was it’s slower
– uhh, we need to move this property.
But what I’ve come to learn is that
[Budget and Control Board Executive
Director ] Frank [Fusco], you went and
held them for a month in even looking
for auctioneers.
“So, I just feel I’m dancing with a tar
baby on trying to, to move this ball
forward and again, I don’t want to
make my problem y’all’s problem
Best Lunch Specials in Town!
but, uh, we’re pushing for open,
transparent ways of disposing
property so that everybody has as
We’ll deliver to your
much of a shot as somebody else.
“Umm, in this instance, given the
office ($20 minimum)
magnitude of this project for y’all, if
y’all feel strongly about wanting to
go the other way, I’ll look the other
way. But I want to emphasize how 1469 Sumter Street
important we think it is to move to a
completely open process in the way Downtown Columbia
we sell properties.” [Transcription
by S.C. Statehouse Report from an
803-771-7618
audiotape of the 9/12 Budget and
Control Board meeting.]
Open Mon-Fri 10:30am ~ 3:00pm
Sanford’s use of the term “tar baby”
this month isn’t the first time he’s put his
foot in his mouth. Four years ago when
running for governor, he offended Jews by
likening time spent on his family’s farm to
time spent in a concentration camp.
Meanwhile, Sanford isn’t the only
Republican to use the expression “tar
baby.” Mitt Romney, the Massachusetts
governor who is running for the GOP
presidential nomination, received a storm
of criticism in July for using the term at a
fundraiser in Iowa. In describing Boston’s
Big Dig construction project, he said: “The
best thing politically would be to stay as
far away from that tar baby as I can.”
Romney quickly apologized by
saying he didn’t realize some people were
offended by the term. In May, presidential
spokesman Tony Snow was criticized for
using the term when answering a question
about government surveillance.
Romney was born in Michigan. Snow
grew up in Ohio. But Sanford is Southern.
He should have known better. Let’s give
him the benefit of the doubt, but it’s hard
to believe he didn’t know “tar baby” was
an old expression with racial overtones.
Andy Brack is publisher of S.C.
Statehouse Report. He can be reached at:
brack@statehousereport.com.
 Events or Small Couch will fit underneath. A campus, fenced back yard,
great way to gain more space! --$100 come, $690/mo. Call 803-42
citypaper October 11, 2006 11
THE QUEST - A FREE EVENT FOR OBO TWIN MATTRESS Fits Loft Bed, 407-6613
ALL Extra Firm/Theraputic, Great Condi-
29205
A Celebration of “Our Five Points” on tion. --- $60 OBO BOTH --- $150 OBO
Saturdays once a month. On Sep- Call 864-205-6473 Musicians
A man called the police because he’s scared of his
neighbor’s dog. The dog, he says, rushes the fence
whenever the man is in his yard and he fears one day
tember 23, 11:00-3:00, come to Five
Automotive Points for a day of shopping, listen- Housing the animal may jump over the fence and devour him
Sandlot style. The man also said the dog has been
digging under the fence in an attempt to get into his
ing to Joseph Greco and enter THE yard. Smart creatures they are, if they want you, they’ll
2000 IMPALA LS QUEST. The contest will give you a USC/walk 2 class/5pts have you, 2400 block Prentice Ave.
Sunroof, alloys, leather, AM-FM/CD, chance to win merchandise & gift 4BR - 3BA , Cayce 29205
Police last week arrested a 46-year-old man for pulling
V6 eng, pwr. equipment! Engine was certificates from all the merchants *House for Rent* Less out his than
penis 1.5 mi.
and christening the Food Lion parking lot
replaced and has around 85,000 miles participating. *Meet at the fountain in from USC, jacuzzi, totally with ownrenovated.
urine. The man also had a lock blade knife
on a keychain, and— in Columbia— that gets you an
on it. Call (803)466-3663 $4800obo! Five Points & pick up a form. *Return $1550 per month! Call“unlawful 205-534-0770
weapon” charge, 1000 block Harden Street.
More Info: http://columbia.craigslist. completed form with listed merchants 29209
org/car/189054758.html signatures. *A drawing will be held at AWESOME NEW SHANDON CONDO!
Domestic violence in Wal-Mart. Didn’t see that coming.
Sure enough, some redneck decided to slap his wife
4:00pm for all the merchandise & gift FOR SALE: Sept. 1st. in Shandon.
around while shopping at the big box retailer. Have you
‘01 HONDA 1100 certificates donated by the merchants. Only a few miles from heard USC. Brand
the new study issued by a college professor about
Sabre seat, exc. cond., $100 OBO. **Do not have to be present to win. new appliances, hardwood Wal-Martfloors,shoppers? andTurns out EVERY single Wal-Mart
shopper answered the question the exact same way.
Call 957-4538 Some of the merchants participating: a pool for condo residents! Call Mrs.
Their answer: What is a college professor? 5400 block
Forest
forDrive.
Sylvan & Dubose, 2 G’s, Five Points Cain at (803)419-9485, details. DRUMMER NEEDED FOR
Employment Bookstore, THE OOPS’ Co., It’s All In

A woman
knocked
called the police
a drink from her or
Cola
to
hand
tell variety
them a man rock
she
29210
band.
knew
after smoking crack all
Call
29201 The Name, Pet Supplies
Plus & many EARLEWOOD 29203 LARGE 1BR 463-0411.
day and then smacked her in the face. He also allegedly
A Hispanic
BILINGUAL a shaved head pulled
man withRECRUITER 29201 Officers on patrol ,got more than
office, LR,thekitchen
expected w/ rippedall all
appli., C/A,
the phone cords out of the wall and broke
more.. JULY WINNER: CARA COSTI-
up along side a woman on Gervais Street and An officer of the law also used his discretion when they pulled into a location just in time to the victim’s fish tank. He was arrested, 2000 block
BlueShield logo.” border=”0”>
flicked his tongue at her in a sexual manner while this week toGAN, field book a 21-year-old man
COLUMBIA! for see aDATES-
OTHER walk in closet w/ W/D, deck,
small white car drive by with a gunman Watermark Place $575/mo. PRIVATE MUSIC INSTRUCT
visibly“BlueCross
masturbating. TheBlueShield”:http://www.
woman told police walking through Five Points with an open 12oz shooting countless+rounds sec. Call
(15 to 960-1058
20) out the PRIVATE vate piano / guitar 29212 lessons
she thinks weirdo knows her schedule because Bud Light beer. OCT. 21,looking
Good NOV.out, 18.600
11:00-3:00
block window, 900 block Rosedale Arch A man doing routine maintenance along a woodklh@kendell
line
southcarolinablues.com of South
she’s seen him following her before, 500 block Harden Street. Car- Kendell
29203 found a marijuana plant growing nearby. As much as I’d Healy
Gervaisolina is currently seeking professional
Street. 29201 A man called the 2BR/1BA
cops after he ,heard several like to say he stuffed it in his Online
trunk, he bio / resume
didn’t. He called availabl
29201 CAT FIGHT: Police busted two women, both gunshots outside his
candidates for a **Bilingual Recruiter** For Sale FP, house. One bullet crashed
kitchenette, LR, the cops No
Patio.
After several gunshots rang out through College with their shirts off, for fighting in a bar notorious through a glass window knocking the blinds block Guilford Green Court.
Street,located in Columbia,
police caught a 31-year-old man SC. BCBSSC
walking is Pioneer
for holding drag queen shows. City Paper is to the floor. Whening. policeForest Lake,
arrived they found
and somewhere
400/mo inclu. util.
smok- a terrorist lost its wings, 00
www.kendellhealy.com
awayproud
from the area
to along a fence
have been linereco
carrying
To currently
a view looking for theReel
all
2 Reel
surveillance tape,Player
1100 one bullet lodged 782-7839
in the hallway between two DRUMMER WANTED 29073 FOR
rifle. Apparently he was not Part of the college’s block Harden Street. bedrooms. Sweet dreams tonight, Columbia, Police said someone broke into a home in Lexington last
requirements go to
ROTC program, 2200 block College Street. “southcarolinab- 1976 Pioneer Reel-to-Reel 4600
tapeblock Arlington Street.
player week and pooped all over the stairs. The same personRock b
Southern/Classic
lues.com 29201 FOREST ACRES 1135 also took handfuls of their317-5180.
own poopie and smeared it
29201 Crackhead inforthe sale. Includes
street: Cops several classic rock
found a crackhead 29203 all over the walls of the house, 200 block Letha Lane.
A man said he watched a 59-year-old man wandering around reels.inofAsking
the roadway near the
$300 USC You’re@
OBO.Brad a bitch. Sunnyside
414-You’re 3BR/2BA,
a whore. I’m going to kill 1600 sq ft,
Quick
pull out Money
his penis and show Maker$$$$$$$ 100%Searches
it to another man campus. the man’s clothes turned you. That’s what a man owner brandishing a knife told
financing a
available. Please call PROFESSIONAL 29073
SINGER LO
in Granby Park. Apparently liking what he saw, up a glass 4130. crack pipe with black tape around 38-year-old woman who accused him of stealing A baseball bat with a sword attached to the end of
Profit
the witness said the other man proceeded to one end so he wouldn’t burn his lips. The her backpack, according to police. Sounds like Amanda Nichols with the
it. Knight
That’s what Com-
police saidfor
a band.
man was 29 yr.
carrying asold he male, h
give oral sex to the older gentleman. Police say reporting officer scraped some of the crack rock someone’s been watching pany The Wire on HBO a prowled around a residence
381-2114 readyin Lexington
to County last
perform. Call 803-5
the man wasPrepaid
“exposing himself to an unknown Access I have
out of the pipe and made196surelaser discs
it tested including
positive little too a Pio-1200 block Main Street.
much, week. The weird freak also allegedly told a couple
Sell Adult Internet neer CD/LD/CDC
male to receive gratification.” The witness said for the crickety-crackity. Sure enough player
it did andfor sale. All in neighbors he was going to kill someone but he hasn’t
Cards!!!theThis
he approached is a great
two lovebirds and theymoney maker
took the 44-year-old man with no permanent address
mint condition. Asking $3000 OBO for SHANDON 29203 yet. Until
RENOVATED 1 next time, 1000 block DRUMMERBrown Blvd.NEEDED FOR
off running
100% when they saw
profit. Sellthey’d
them beento caught.
your was hauled in to the big house, 2100 block
friends A man was found BD lying Bath,
on his side in fronta/h,
central of carpet, great lo- Dead/Phish type jam band.
No word yet on which one of them is running for Pendleton Street. the entire collection.SIO.Brad @ 414-
a building. The officer thought the man was 29170
public&office,
family100 and
block make
Catawbathat Circle.extra cash that 4130. 29201 cation.he$515
unconscious. He wasn’t; plus1900
was dead, sec.Like a bad made-for-fifth-grade-growing-to-maturity-
960-1058 www.tokenband.org Call 44
After receiving a tip, police found a man allegedly block Sunset Drive. video, a 20-something man asked “Do you like this?”
you need!Email me For more informa-
29201 selling drugs on Elmwood Avenue. When they 29203 while pulling out his one eyed snake and wanking it in
front of a group of children.AUDITIONING
The kids ran home andMEMBERS told
Policetion.
booked a 57-year-old man for pissing in approachedWOODEN him and asked LOFTif he hadBEDany drugs
Twin A Size,
43-year-old
Very manDOWNTOWN
was shot in Columbia 1909afterANN
their parents who called the cops. They never found the
the sidewalk. Don’t worry, the pledge period is on him, the 36-year-old said yes, he had a bag of being robbed at gunpoint.
Sturdy, the Excellent Condition, St. 2BR/1BA, 5
The victim said min.
he creep drive
but to
said heUSC
was a lished
white guy Columbia
wearing a based ban
striped
almost over, 2100 block Devine Street marijuana. Somewhere director of Homeland tried Ato Futon
fend off the attacker and during the blue and white shirt and beige shorts. No clue what fra-
29201 Security is smiling, 900 block Elmwood Ave. struggle the gun went off, 5200 block Randall ternity he belongs to, 100 Riverbend Drive.
FREE CLASSIFIED ADS FROM COLUMBIA’S ONLY LOCALLY OWNED ALTERNAT
While performing a search of a 47-year-old man,
police found a box cutter in his pants pocket
and a steak knife in the bag he was carrying,
29201
A woman told police that a man threw a glass
Ave.
29204
“Are you afraid of a n---- with a gun?” That’s
29201
Bad Times: An officer said a young girl was drinking a
900 block Walnut Street. bottle at her, which hit the door and shattered all what an 18-year-old man asked a construction “yellow in color” drink at Good Times and when asked
29201 over the place, 600 block Blanding Street worker while pointing a revolver at him. Quick to see some ID produced a license showing she was
CHUBBY COP: An officer of the law was answer to that question: yes. Corner of Castove only 19. Girlfriend, you’ll have a different kind of yellow
conducting ID checks at Chubby’s 2 x 4 in Five 29201 and Pine. cup when your PTI starts, 800 block Harden Street.
Points when he busted a 19-year-old girl and Drunken hobo hanging around the parking lot 29204
two of her friends for drinking Coronas and a of Wendys. Sounds like Columbia to me. Cops She cursed at a man. She spit at a man. She 29210

CCP Business Directory

vodka/cranberry, 700 block Harden Street
29201
Welcome to the jungle: Cops booked some more
underage drinkers this week at Jungle Jims. Be
careful out there, 700 block Harden Street.
say this guy has been arrested several times for
the same thing. It couldn’t possibly be the dollar
menu that keep him coming back… 800 block
Assembly Street
yelled and screamed and swayed back and forth.
That’s what someone told police a 33-year-old
homeless lady did when he found her wandering
around the Oak-Read High-rise. Police showed
up and took her down, 2200 block Read Street.
“Do you want my 10 inch penis? Come and get it.”
That’s what police say an obscene caller told a 28-
year-old woman who was working at a storage facility.
The call apparently came from a room in Intown Suites
but they couldn’t find the guy who did it. Oh yeah, she
turned down the offer, 100 block Harban Court.

Lets get metaphysical!

Oils Candles Crystals
Herbs Incense
Tarot Cards Metaphysical
Readings Tools
Conscious Creations
735 Meeting Street, West Cola 233-0055
12 citypaper October 11, 2006
 citypaper October 11, 2006 13

Five Points Location Only

14 Artsy citypaper October 11, 2006

Phoenix Tongue Poetry Dates Beware the Naughty Irish Playwrights

by Arik M. Bjorn For the second time in two years, I get
to participate in ‘naughty Ireland’ in Co-
tavern What Columbia tends to lack in some lumbia. Two years ago, USC Lab Theater
of the arts, it makes up with one of the most produced The Lonesome West, where I
stand behind the bar vibrant amateur and educational theater relished being the role of Coleman Con-
serve drinks drown their sorrows communities in the Southeast. And while nor, a whiskey-stealing, dog-hating, patri-
michael jackson beat it in the air it is unusual for an actor to pitch his own cidal psychopath.
like the many morrows each will return upcoming performance, I feel compelled Now I get to play the alcoholic aca-
for hobgoblins to do so because this particular theater demic in This Lime Tree Bower, which
crowns jagermeisters space is sorely neglected by our city’s will play for four nights, October 12-15 at
it is a grand party choked with theater critics. 8 p.m. No res-
ash from pall malls The Lab ervations: Just
camels lucky strike Theater is a show up at the
like they are all waving from the black box the- Lab Theater door
passenger windows of the hindenburg ater on the (across from Blatt
the rail of the titanic USC campus, PE Center on
with the last call fill the sink with in the Wash- Wheat) and buy
glasses ington Audito- a ticket for five
bottles overflow trash rium Building bucks.
how sad it is to wake up directly across Lab Theater
in the morning from the Blatt is a truly spe-
restock the PE Center (the cial theater in
shelves other gym) on our community,
Wheat Street. where under-
Until recently, graduate and
Poetry is meant to make one think, about death at times, to pay homage. It the theater MFA drama stu-
may make us think about life and how we relate to our self and our family, and didn’t even dents are given
our friends. Poetry is personal. It is the inherent voice we have that we share. have a sign, an educational
Join us for the Phoenix Tongue Road Show at Artists’ Basement, 2013 so no one can opportunity to
Devine St Columbia SC, on October 11 for the Poetry of Miesha from Charlotte really blame stretch their di-
NC. Phoenix Tongue at The Red Tub 134 ½ State St. West Columbia we will critics or the- rectorial wings.
have Open Mic on the 18th, then on the 25th see JT Bullock and Andi Kauth ater lovers for But it’s also a
with the Coming of Age Tour. All events begin at 8 with an Open Mic. Dona- being in the Arik Bjorn, theatrical madman (seated). October 12-15 at The Lab Theater space where the
tions Appreciated. For more information call John Starino (803)463-8297. dark, so to theater profes-
This is a paid advertisement by John Starino to help support the arts speak. sors can strut their stuff with gritty con-
scene. A black box theater has a simple ge- temporary plays that have little chance of
ography: a small square room with black making it to the two USC main stages.
walls and a flat playing space. The patron This Lime Tree Bower is delivered
can expect no gimmicks, but is awarded via a series of long monologues that in-
in turn with a type of theatrical intimacy tentionally violate theater’s sacred fourth
one finds nowhere else. wall. That is, the actors throw all their R-
How intimate? Well, I remember a rated rants and winks (and maybe even an
stream of sweat flying off my face and amoral lesson or two) directly to the audi-
nailing a first row customer during a psy- ence.
cho-heightened moment in The Lone- Ironically, both playwrights whose
some West. Odds are that’s not going to work I have portrayed at Lab Theater hate
happen at some local performance of My each other’s guts. McPherson accuses
Fair Lady! McDonaugh of being a queen’s man rath-
The Bush Theater in London is one of er than a true Irishman. One can imagine
the most famous black box theaters. The how well such a remark goes over in the
Bush is a hundred-seater—above a pub, Irish and UK tabloids—not to mention the

“How intimate? Well, I remember a stream of sweat

flying off my face and nailing a first row customer.”
no less!—which has premiered the work
of dozens of up-and-coming UK and Eu-
ropean playwrights.
One of these playwrights, an Irish-
man named Conor McPherson, received
his professional debut at the Bush The-
ater with the play This Lime Tree Bower,
a show about a couple of young broth-
ers, Frank and Joe, who rob a local Dublin
bookie. There’s one other character, Ray,
an alcoholic, philandering professor who
dates the burglar brothers’ sister.
Most of McPherson’s plays are per-
fect for black box theaters. His dialogue
is reminiscent of an Irish Quentin Taran-
tino. There’s just something about being
eye-level with an actor spouting lines like,
“And may God forgive me, but with every
glass of Earnest and Julio Gallo, her tits
were getting more imperative.”
local pubs!
But if the actor is to weigh in: Both
playwrights are literary heavyweights.
Their dialogue is sharply serrated and cuts
straight to the bone of life in the contem-
porary world. Delivering their lines is like
punching in the nuclear codes at the end
of the world.
This is educational theater at its best.
All the student actors and stage crew
members are eagerly learning a trade, and
the director, Professor Steve Berwind, is
blessing our community with one of the
best plays to come out of Europe in re-
cent years.
True fans of Irish naughtiness and con-
temporary drama are not to miss out!
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
Ted Rall Column & Cartoon citypaper October 11, 2006 15

EDITORIAL By Pulitzer Prize finalist Ted Rall

IT DEPENDS ON YOUR DEFINITION OF “FREE”

Bush Gives 15 Million autocracy, has ruthlessly crushed attempts
Muslims More to curtail freedom of expression, a crucial
Reasons to Hate Us building block of an open society. Journalists
have been threatened, beaten and jailed.
SEATTLE—George After the leading independent newspaper
W. Bush says lots of nice Respublika published an interview with a
things about President Russian politician that criticized Nazarbayev
Nursultan Nazarbayev. in May 2005, it was ordered closed. A printing
On Sept. 29 he portrayed house that agreed to publish a successor
the leader of Kazakhstan, newspaper, Set-kz, was shuttered as well. The
who came to Washington state Internet monopoly, controlled by one of
for a state luncheon, as a Nazarbayev’s daughters, censors block access
“steadfast partner in the to opposition and independent websites.
international war on terrorism.” Nazarbayev,      Since a presidential proclamation signed
according to Bush and U.S. state-controlled by President Bush in 2004 bans visits by
media, is leading a transition to democracy corrupt foreign officials to the United States,
and liberalizing his nation’s economy. He’s Nazarbayev—embroiled in a “Kazakhgate”
been lauded for privatizing old Soviet-era influence peddling scandal scheduled for
state industries and inviting foreign companies federal court later this fall—was legally
to invest in the exploitation of what may be ineligible to come to Washington last week.
the world’s largest untapped oil reserves. Consultant and lobbyist James Giffen will
Kazakhstan, Bush says, “now is a free nation.” soon face charges that he funneled more than
     It depends on what your definition of “free” is. $78 million in bribes from his energy company
     Considering that his Central Asian clients, most of it to Nazarbayev and his
neighbors are ruled by megalomaniacal former prime minister. According to the Justice
despots (Turkmenistan) and mass murderers Department, Giffen also gave Nazarbayev’s
(Uzbekistan), or disintegrating into anarchy wife fur coats and a snowmobile, and even
and civil strife (Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan), paid Nazarbayev’s daughter’s tuition at
President Nazarbayev’s regime appears George Washington University. U.S. officials
relatively benign. But he’s merely the best of call Kazakhgate one of the largest violations
a bad lot. Scratch the gloss of the gleaming of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act in history.
energy-boom-funded skyscrapers rising      According to a reliable source, high-
over the Kazakh metropolises of Almaty and ranking White House officials are pressuring
Astana, and it becomes clear the United the Justice Department to drop the case.
States is giving the red carpet, 21-gun salute      Kazakhstan’s geopolitical importance
treatment to another right-wing dictator of the is obvious. It is the largest producer of
variety we propped up during the Cold War. Caspian Sea oil, borders Russia, China
Back then, selling out our democratic values and the other Central Asian states, and has
undermined our credibility on human rights and granted the U.S. Air Force landing rights at
provoked anti-Americanism. Today, the same Almaty’s airport for operations in Afghanistan.
policy is sowing the seeds of the next 9/11. Moreover, it’s a rare “friendly” country in the
     Nazarbayev, the Communist Party boss of the Muslim world: Kazakhstan is the only Central
Kazakh S.S.R. at the time of the 1991 collapse Asian republic to have sent troops to Iraq.
of the Soviet Union, has been Kazakhstan’s      In all the ways that matter, however,
strongman since independence. He points Nazarbayev presides over a police state that
to the 91 percent of the vote he received in is indistinguishable from his more notorious
the most recent presidential election as proof neighbors, such as Islam Karimov, president of
of his popularity, but international observers Uzbekistan. Karimov ordered and personally
universally condemned the December supervised the massacre of at least 700
2005 vote as tainted by fraud and violence. demonstrators in the Uzbek city of Andijon. The
     It would have been difficult to lose an May 13, 2005 incident, known in the region as
election like this. Galimzhan Zhakianov, leader “Uzbekistan’s Tiananmen Square,” prompted
1303 Florence Street - $207,900
of the main opposition Democratic Choice criticism from the Bush Administration and
of Kazakhstan (DVK) party, had been rotting thousands of anti-Karimov refugees to seek Located in Historic Earlewood...First class reno-
in prison since 2002.  Finally, early in 2005, political asylum in neighboring republics. vation of this 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom all brick
Nazarbayev had the DVK banned entirely for      Kazakhstan recently deported eight Uzbek bungalow with views of Earlewood Park. All new
“inciting social tension” and “extremism.” A refugees granted official asylum-seeker plumbing, electrical, and HVAC. Brand new kitchen
few weeks after promising to release evidence status by the United Nations to Uzbekistan, featuring site built cabinets with granite counter-
that Nazarbayev and his family were involved whose military police are infamous tops and stainless steel appliances. Brand new
in oil-related corruption, Zamanbek Nurkadilov, for boiling political prisoners to death. beautifully tiled bathrooms. Hardwoods downstairs
a former Nazarbayev cabinet minister who      Nazarbayev appeared at a joint press with carpet upstairs.
joined the nation’s sole remaining viable conference with Karimov in March 2006,
opposition party, For a Fair Kazakhstan (NAZ), nearly a year after the Andijon massacre. In the House Realty specializes in representing clients seeking or selling property in the
was found dead at his home in Almaty, a pistol      “Of course, we regret everything high demand, downtown market.
lying at his side. happened [at Andijon],” said Nazarbayev.
Nurkadilov had been shot three times— “However, it should be said that another end
twice in the chest and once in the head. [i.e., not killing the demonstrators] would
Kazakh authorities ruled his death a suicide. have destabilized now the whole region.”
     Even after he won another seven-year Destablization might have given Kazakstan’s
term, misfortune continued to befall Kazakhs 15 million citizens, 99 percent of whom Call Chris Barczak Broker for a
who spoke out against Nazarbayev. On Feb. live in poverty while Nazarbayev steals
13, 2006, reported Radio Free Europe, the the oil and gas beneath their feet, a
bodies of Nurkadilov’s replacement as NAZ chance to liberate themselves. Sadly
showing or additional details.
leader and four aides “were discovered on and once again, the U.S. government is

1929 Marion Street

a desolate stretch of road outside Almaty… siding with a dictator over the people.
their bodies riddled with bullets and their (Ted Rall is the author of the new book “Silk
hands bound behind their backs.” Altynbek Road to Ruin: Is Central Asia the New Middle
Sarsenbayev had recently announced his East?,” an in-depth prose and graphic novel

803-513-5511
own intention to release proof of Nazarbayev analysis of America’s next big foreign policy
and his cronies’ misuse of oil revenues. challenge.)
     The government blamed five rogue officers
of its KNB (ex-KGB) security service for the talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
contract killing. No one believes the official story.
     The Kazakh regime, which presents itself
as the kinder, gentler face of Central Asian
16 citypaper October 11, 2006

Away at college & miss

your Momma’s cooking??

Jazz, Blues & BBQ

Mac’s Lunch Buffett
cures any hangover!
Fried Chicken & Dishes w Flavor
World Famous Mac & Cheese
World Famous Peach Cobbler
Mon & Tues Nights
$2 Jim Beam!
30 Cent Buffalo Wings
30 Cent Shrimp
Try a Peach Cobbler Shot

1710 Main Street, Columbia, S.C. 803-929-0037

DUNCAN
Heating And Air Conditioning
Commercial $15 off any Heat Pumps
Residential service call Electric
Mobile Homes *must mention offer when scheduling appointment
Offer Expires 11/28/06
Gas & Oil

Family Owned & Operated Since 1958

Repairs on all makes & models
Service contracts available
803-787-2125
24 Hour Answering Service
Home Inspections Available
Free Estimates on equipment sales
1434 Ellerbe Street

Certified Dealer
 WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11
New Brookland Tavern - 8pm
Petrillo Relents, American Aquarium,
Magnetic Flowers, Nathan Poole
Headliner’s - 9pm
REGGAE NIGHT:
Mystic Vibrations w/ DJ Wriggle
Art Bar -
Mr. B’s Goodtime Karaoke
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12
New Brookland Tavern - 8pm
Mind Your Head, Little Baby
Dynamite, Ghost Limb,
Israel's Son
Headliner’s - 8pm
Will Hoge, Backyard Tire Fire, Eric
Skelton
Art Bar -
Static of the Gods, The Machine Is
South Carolina State Fair -
Joe Nichols
Jammin Java - 8pm
Warren Barfield, Ryan Smith
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13
New Brookland Tavern - 5pm (early)
Carolina Ska Weekend W: Maladroit
Mafia, Foxes That Fight, The
Maddhatters, Andy And The Jivers,
Dawn Of The Dude
New Brookland Tavern - 9:30pm (late)
Isabelle's Gift, Quickfuse, Early
Grace,The Dirty Guns
Headliner’s - 9pm
Pink Floydian Slip "The Ultimate Pink
Floyd Experience"
Art Bar - TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17 Jammin Java - 9pm Columbia Slam Team SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28
Art Bar Players, iPop! Nathan Poole & Jason Harwell
New Brookland Tavern - 8pm Manifest Discs & Tapes - New Brookland Tavern - 8pm
Jammin Java - 9pm Harm Division, TBA South Carolina State Fair - Spitafield Throttle Rod, Totimoshi, Death Valley
Graydon Tomlinson, Jeremy Barber Casting Crowns Driver, Moment Of Truth
Jammin Java - 7pm WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25
South Carolina State Fair - Columbia Slam Team SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21 Headliner’s - 8pm
Casting Crowns Jammin Java - 7pm
New Brookland Tavern - 10pm Columbia Poetry Slam Will Hoge, Backyard Tire Fire, Eric
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18 Skelton
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14 Non-Stop Hip-Hop
New Brookland Tavern - 7pm
New Brookland Tavern - 8pm Art Bar -
New Brookland Tavern - 9:30pm Delta Nove, TBA Headliner’s - 9pm Don't Die Cindy, De Soto,
Namedropper, Last November, Cathedrals of the Soul, TBA Redflecks, TBA Static of the Gods
TBA Headliner’s - 9pm Jammin Java - 9pm
REGGAE NIGHT: Art Bar - Headliner’s - 9pm
Scott Ivey, Paul Austin
Headliner’s - 1pm Mystic Vibrations w/ DJ Wriggle Symmetry IV: Rocket 350 and Satanic REGGAE NIGHT:
SCUM FEST: Meat Curtain, Insidious Romantic Mystic Vibrations w/ DJ Wriggle
Demise, Belligerent, From Graves of Jammin Java - 8pm SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29
Valor, The Downcide, Merzah, Five Dollar Bill Open Mic Night Jammin Java - 9pm THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26 New Brookland Tavern - 7pm
Moment of Truth, Noumenon, Every Javier Mendoza, Dylan Sneed
The Lawrence Arms, Smoke Or Fire,
Mans Enemy, Massacre of the THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19 New Brookland Tavern - 8pm
Methadones, TBA
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22 A Denver Mile, Slow Runner,
Umbilical Chord, Staggerback, New Brookland Tavern - 8pm TBA Headliner’s - 9pm
Syraphem, For Which We Kill, The MikeNPike, Farewell Flight, The Tide New Brookland Tavern - 5pm
Moultrie Killer, Circles in Autumn, Pink Floydian Slip "The Ultimate Pink
Hello Tomorrow Escape This, Diavolo, By The Sins Art Bar -
Scar Division Floyd Experience"
Fell Angels, From Graves Of Valor, WUSC Fall Fundraiser: TBA
Headliner’s - 8pm Diemona, Then Came The Dawn
Art Bar - Headliner’s - 8pm Art Bar -
Jim LeBlanc, Mother Trebek Art Bar Players
Almost Jason, Suit, Josh McGill, Headliner’s - 6pm Green Lemon, Almost Jason
James Ponce, Adam Whitehead, Art Bar - Copeland, Murder by Death, Baumer,
Bentz Kirby, Ryan Goforth, Dave Luna Halo, House of Heroes The Dark Romantics
Jammin Java - 8pm MONDAY, OCTOBER 30
Michelson, Elizabeth Allen Matthew Perryman Jones, Sandra
Five Points - New Brookland Tavern - 7pm
South Carolina State Fair - McCracken, Kate York, Katie Herzig,
Jammin Java - 9pm Family Force 5 George Jones The Dirty Lowdown, Wet Paint, TBA
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27
Five Cent Stand, Charlie Duncan Art Bar -
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20 MONDAY, OCTOBER 23
New Brookland Tavern - 5pm (early) Almost Jason, Suit, Josh McGill,
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 15 New Brookland Tavern - 7pm (early) James Ponce, Adam Whitehead,
New Brookland Tavern - 6pm A Static Lullaby, The Classic Crime
David Bazan (of Pedro The Lion) Bentz Kirby, Ryan Goforth, Dave
New Brookland Tavern - 5pm Singer/Songerwriter Night: I Am Ghost, So They Say, TBA
Michelson, Elizabeth Allen
Fair Street, Because Of This, Ninja New Brookland Tavern - 10pm (late) Brett Treacy, TBA
New Brookland Tavern - 10pm (late)
Loot, Road Eternal, Surely We Have Drum N Bass w/ Brian & Todd Analog Friday w/ Guy
Perished, A Gift Wrapped In Blood TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24 TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31
Headliner’s - 8pm Art Bar - 9:30pm
New Brookland Tavern - 6pm New Brookland Tavern - 7pm
MONDAY, OCTOBER 16 Angie Aparo, Eliot Morris, Dogwood
Fear Before The March Of Flames, Delirium Tribal Bellydance Company
Saint War Of Ages, Remembering Never,
New Brookland Tavern - 6pm Misery Signals, Fair Street Headliner’s - 9pm Full Blown Chaos, The Warriors,
New Music Night: Sound Equation, Art Bar - Hot Lava Monster (CD RELEASE), TBA Charge The Mound, All Shall Perish
Art Bar -
Public Radio, Strip City Sinners, iPop! Arsis, The Faceless
ABSTRACT: DJ Joey, DJ GuyL Jammin Java - 9pm
KALEO, Falling In The Open,
Jammin Java - 7pm Andy Zipf
Warn The Children

COPELAND, MURDER BY DEATH, BAUMER AND THE DARK ROMANTICS AT
HEADLINERS MUSIC HALL SUNDAY OCT. 22 - 6PM -$10 ADV.
Copeland is no longer the new kid on the
block of the changing indie rock world and
they’ll be wandering north to Columbia in sup-
port of their third full-length Eat, Sleep, Repeat
(Militia Group Records) that will hit store
shelves on Halloween.
Eat, Sleep, Repeat swirls and chimes like
previous Copeland records from the band, but
it’s definitely a little darker and would fit perfect-
ly on a rainy Sunday morning this fall. Aaron
Marsh’s enchanting vocals are the hallmark
the Florida quartet and on this release the
band is expanding their sound around his tal-
ents.
Although Copeland’s new tunes may be
somber in comparison to previous efforts
Murder by Death will be unleashing the brim-
stone and an orchetsral soundtrack to the
FEAR BEFORE THE MARCH OF
FLAMES, MISERY SIGNALS
TUESDAY OCT. 24
Fear Before the March of Flames’ David Marion
and Adam Fisher have recently traded vocal roles
and this Colorado based sextet is making a move
to break out of the cookie-cutter mosh core scene
with their newest release on Equal Vision
Records, The Always Open Mouth.
Bring your cheeseheads for protection in the pit
because Madison, Wisconsin’s Misery Signals
will provide the shear pummeling force for the
evening. Sick-ass guitar licks and throaty growls
put these Favre fans way ahead of their class-
mates.
ROAD TRIP
apocalypse. Even the four horsemen are scar-
erd. Their Old-West saloon inspired anthems
are accentuated by Sarah Balliet’s enthustias- CHARLESTON, SC
tic destruction of her cello and Adam Turla’s
storytelling prowess. October 14 - Music Farm
Buju Banton
More than just another live rock performance
it’s a theatrical production and Adam Turla may October 18 - Music Farm
be this generations man in black. The Supervillains
Local dance rock phenoms Baumer provide October 28 - Music Farm
strange support to this bill with their candied
Mofro
version of not from Columbia Hollywood pop
rock. Shine your dancing shoes because you’ll November 3 - Music Farm
have a bigger dance floor to shake your ass on Broken Social Scene, Do Make Say Think
this night.
Copeland’s hometown buddies from AUGUSTA, GA
Lakeland the Dark Romantics will open the October 19 - Blue Horse Music Hall
show. Kevn Kinney
October 21 - Sector 7G
Secret Lives of the Freemasons, A Day to
Remember, Olympia, Upper Class Trash
October 24 - Sector 7G
Riverboat Gamblers
CHARLOTTE, NC
October 13 - Amos’ Southend
Hank III
October 13 - Tremont Music Hall
KMFDM, Panic Drives Human Herds,
Combichrist
October 15 - Ovens Auditorium
Nick Lachey
October 15 - The Casbah
If Hope Dies, Oh Sleeper, Human Abstract
October 16 - Neighborhood Theatre
Cross Canadian Ragweed
October 18 - Tremont Music Hall
Between the Buried and Me, Norma Jean,
Misery Signals, Fear Before the March of
Flames, The Fully Down, Confession
October 19 - Amos’ Southend
From First to Last, Atreyu, Every Time I
Die, Chiodos
ATLANTA, GA
October 12 - Eleven 50
Paul Oakenfold
October 13 - Chastain Park Amphitheatre
John Mayer, Brett Dennen
October 13 - The Tabernacle
Hawthorne Heights, Emery, The Sleeping,
Relient K, Plain White T’s
October 13 - Variety Playhouse
Built to Spill, Camper Van Beethoven
October 13 - Variety Playhouse
Frank Blank, Reid Paley
October 19 - The Tabernacle
Pet Shop Boys
October 20 - Variety Playhouse
Broken Social Scene, Do Make Say Think
October 20 - Variety Playhouse
Minus the Bear, The Velvet Teen Russian
Circles, POS
18 citypaper October 11, 2006

Bum Of The Week

“Liquor, wine and beer.”
That pretty much sums up 56-
year-old Eddie who City Paper met
this week waiting for a bus after dark
outside the Food Lion on Harden
Street. “Liquor, wine and beer, that’s
me,” he said.
Dressed in a tattered, dirty
sand-colored jacket and wearing a
brand new baseball cap pulled over
his bushy hair and long scraggly
this week. Eddie denied the charge.
Eddie said he doesn’t do drugs
and doesn’t act crazy. Others, he
said, certainly do.
“People actin’ a fool. Shooting.
Actin’ a fool,” he said about what he’s
seen on the streets near Five Points
in just the past couple of weeks.
“Cuttin’ up a damn woman.
That the only thing there be about
“Whatever they accuse you of,” and
then broke it down:
“They come up and ask you, say
‘you had anything to drink today?’
Hell, you don’t even have to be damn
drunk, say ‘Yeah, I had something
to drink.’ [Then the police say] ‘Well
I’m gonna have to take you to jail to-
night.’”
When asked if Eddie thinks the
cops treat him

Eddie’s Stats
beard, Eddie said he’d been on fairly he said,
the streets for about nine years “Shit no,” and
but hadn’t had a drink in two also said he’d
weeks. been abused
“I haven’t had any damn
money to buy none,” he said. “I Age: 56 in the past.
“ T h e y
definitely ain’t gonna steal none, charge you for
tell you what.”
Eddie looks like he might as
Drug of Choice: The Sauce a damn thing
you ain’t never
well be a permanent fixture in the
bust stop and when he speaks Quote: “They charge you for damn done,”
he said. “Any-
his mouth opens to expose a set
of crumbling yellow teeth. His a damn thing you ain’t never thing
want to ac-
they

eyes open and close, looking

like two jagged potholes filled
with spoiled milk. He sits on the
wooden bench swaying from side to
side as if he’ll tip over and spill out
into the street at any moment. The
air inside the terminal smells like a
sour mix of urine and booze.
According to police documents,
an officer field booked a man with
the same first and last name as Ed-
die for urinating in public on Devine
Street only a few days ago. The inci-
dent is published in our crime report
damn done”
a fight down here, be about a damn
woman,” he said. “They get down to
smokin’ and drinkin’ and that’s when
you get in trouble about the damn
women and that’s when the fightin’
starts.”
While denying the public urina-
tion charge, Eddie said he has been
arrested in the past while on the
streets of Columbia. When pressed
on what the charges were, he said,
cuse you of.
OK, you fuck
around long
enough they’ll run up on you, you’ll
see.”
When asked where he’s going
to stay tonight, Eddie looks up over
the closed-up, decrepit buildings
across the street and waves his hand
through the air.
“That big ol’ ass goddamn park
right there that’s where the hell I’m
gonna stay.”
Movies citypaper October 11, 2006 19

Deric Spoils the movie Movie Times Effective Friday, October 13

Regal Columbia Cinema 7 “The Road to Guantánamo” Columbiana Grande Cinemas

3400 Forest Drive Suite 3000, focuses on the Tipton Three, a 1250 Bower Parkway, Columbia
Columbia, SC 29204 trio of British Muslims who were
School for Scoundrels (2006) Also Playing This Week: held in Guantanamo Bay for two All the King’s Men (1:15), (4:30),
Black Dahlia (1:30), (4:35), 7:20, years until they were released 7:20, 10:20
Lovable rascals unite in a clever comedy. All The King’s Men √ 9:55 without charge. Covenant (2:15), (4:50), 7:15,
Synopsis: The story of Willie Stark, one of Departed (12:45), (4:00), 7:10, 9:55
Louisiana’s most colorful politicians. 10:20 Crank (2:20), (5:20), 7:40, 10:25
Verdict: Oh Sean Penn you’ve sure changed Flyboys (12:50), (4:05), 7:05, Everyone’s Hero (2:00), (4:40),
form your Spiccoli days. 10:15 Monetta Drive-In (803-685- 7:45, 10:00
The Black Dahlia √ Gridiron Gang (1:25), (4:20), 7949) Facing the Giants (1:40), (4:20),
Synopsis: A story of murder, mystery, and 7:15, 10:05 Gates open at 6:30pm Shows 7:30, 10:00
intrigue surrounding the death of a Hollywood starlet Jet Li’s Fearless (1:50), (4:30), start at 7:45pm
in 1947. 7:35, 10:00 Guardian (12:45), (4:00), 7:10,
Verdict: Also try The Black Lifestyles Tuxedo, One Night With the King (Please October 6-8: 10:10
available free on campus! call theater) Screen 1: Open Season Hollywoodland (1:00), (3:55),
Open Season (1:00), (3:00), Grid Iron Gang 6:55, 9:40
The Covenant X (5:00), 7:30, 9:50 Screen 2: The Guardian Idlewild (1:45), (4:25), 7:25,
Synopsis: Massachusetts teenagers exploit Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Pirates of the 10:05
family legacies of witchcraft. Beginning (1:45), (4:45), 7:40, Caribbean Invincible (1:35), (4:15), 7:05,
Verdict: This movie also exploits teenagers’ 10:10 9:35
allowance money. AMC Dutch Square 14 Last Kiss (1:50), (4:45), 7:35,
Roger (Jon Heder) is a loser. Not your ordinary Carmike Wynnsong 10 800 Bush River Road, Columbia 10:15
kind of loser. A really big loser. After his 3rd little The Departed √ 5320 Forest Drive, Columbia, Little Miss Sunshine (1:20),
brother at the local Y requests a new big brother, Synopsis: An undercover cop and criminal SC All the King’s Men 1:50, 6:50 (4:05), 6:40, 9:10
Roger (a lowly meter maid) is put onto a secret school informer race to discover each other’s identity. Black Dahlia 7:45, 10:20 Protector (12:50), 9:15
where the tuition is 5000 in cash, and promises to Verdict: Nothing funny here, this movie is All the King’s Men (1:45), (4:30), Covenant 4:40, 9:30 School for Scoundrels (12:55),
transform losers such as himself into winners that BADASS! 7:15, 10:00 Departed 12:30, 3:00, 3:45, (3:45), 6:45, 9:45
can date two (yes two!) asian girls at one time. Enter Covenant (1:05), (4:25), 7:15, 6:30, 7:15, 9:45, 10:30 Step Up (1:10), (3:40), 6:55,
Billy Bob Thornton as scummy pickup artist Dr. P, Employee of the Month √ 9:45 Employee of the Month 2:15, 9:50
and Michael Clarke Duncan as Lesher, his lackey. Synopsis: A lowly retail worker feebly attempts Employee of the Month (1:30), 4:45, 7:20, 9:50 You, Me and Dupree (3:35), 6:50
After brief introductions, the duo proceed to begin the to win the affection of the “new girl” at work (4:15), 7:00, 9:30 Everyone’s Hero 2:10, 4:10
transformation of their newest class of misfits. With Verdict: Jessica Simpson is hot, yet not as hot Everyone’s Hero (1:15), (4:10) Flyboys 2:20, 7:40
advice such as “never give a woman a compliment”, as Jessica Alba. So there. Funny movie. Guardian (1:00), (4:00), 7:00, Gridiron Gang 1:40, 4:20, 7:00,
“lie, lie, and lie some more”, and “always wear 10:00 9:40 Pastime Pavilion 8
sunglasses” Roger and his peers begin building their Everyone’s Hero X Hollywoodland 7:35, 9:55 Guardian 12:50, 4:05, 7:00, 929 North Lake Drive, Lexing-
confidence with women and their jobs to new levels. Synopsis: Animated adventure of a young boy Illusionist (1:30), (4:30), 7:30, 10:00 ton,
The object of Roger’s affections center around on a quest to return a baseball bat to Babe Ruth. 9:50 Jackass: Number Two Jackass: Number Two 2:45,
Amanda; his neighbor with serious “girl next door” Verdict: You’ll love it….if you play Little League. (1:15), (3:20), (5:25), 7:30, 9:35 5:00, 5:15, 7:30, 9:35, 10:30 Departed (12:35), (3:50), 7:10,
qualities. Dr. P, competitive by nature and sensing Love’s Abiding Joy (1:00), (3:10), Jet Li’s Fearless 2:30, 5:10, 10:25
prospective greatness in Roger proceeds to woo Flyboys √ (5:20), 7:30, 9:40 7:30, 9:50 Employee of the Month (1:15),
Roger’s love interest and try to steal her away. Rising Synopsis: Young American fighter pilots Protector(1:20), (4:35), 7:20, Open Season 1:00, 3:15, 5:30, (4:00), 7:40, 10:10
to the occasion, Roger and Dr. P’s attacks fire back volunteer for duty in France before the U.S. enters 7:35, 9:40
and forth until Roger loses his job and apparently WWI. 9:35 Guardian (1:20), (4:20), 7:20,
Amanda as well. Enlisting the help of his former Verdict: Get your James Franco fix before School for Scoundrels (1:30), School for Scoundrels 2:20, 10:20
classmates who are still reeling from a Deliverance- Spiderman 3! (4:15), 7:00, 9:30 4:50, 7:10, 9:30 Jackass: Number Two (2:00),
style encounter with Lesher, Roger begins to plot the Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The (4:15), 7:50, 10:05
final downfall of Dr. P, discovering his hidden marriage Gridiron Gang X Nickelodeon Theater Beginning 12:45, 2:00, 3:00, Little Miss Sunshine (1:50),
and recurring scams he uses to lure women. In a final Synopsis: The Rock and Xzibit star as the 937 Main Street, Columbia, SC 4:30, 5:20, 7:15, 8:00, 9:20, (4:30), 7:30, 10:00
desperate dash through the airport Roger exposes coaches of a youth detention football team. OCTOBER 13 - 16 10:15 Open Season (1:10), (4:50), 7:15,
Dr. P as a fraud, gets the girl, and (finally!) loses his Verdict: Can you smell what The Rock is FRIDAY - MONDAY 9:40
virginity. cooking??? It’s poop. Showtimes nightly at 7:00 & Carmike 14 School for Scoundrels (1:40),
The success in School for Scoundrels lies in Jon 9:00 122 Afton Court, Columbia (4:10), 8:00, 10:15
Heder’s adorable goofiness (reminiscent of his role The Guardian √ (3:00 matinee Saturday, Sun- Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The
in Napoleon Dynamite) contrasted with Thornton’s Synopsis: Ashton Kutcher stars opposite Kevin day) Black Dahlia (1:35), 4:25, 7:10, Beginning (1:30), (4:40), 7:00,
natural charm. As their antics escalate, hilarity ensues. Costner as members of a Coast Guard rescue team. 9:50 9:50
Clever potshots at Thornton’s ex Angelina Jolie and Verdict: Predictable? Yes. Cliché? Yes. HEADING SOUTH Departed (1:00), (2:00), 4:00,
references to tricks professional pick-up artists use Enjoyable? Yes. Three female tourists have their 5:00, 7:00, 8:00, 10:00, 10:55
add to the film’s entertainment value. Ben Stiller’s eyes opened while visiting the Employee of the Month (1:30),
cameo as a former student of Dr. P’s is amusing, yet Jackass: Number Two √ poverty-stricken and dangerous 4:15, 7:00, 9:30 Regal Sandhill Stadium 16
overrated and overshadowed by SNL and Daily Show Synopsis: More stupid stunts than the first! world of 1980s Haiti. With Char- Flyboys (1:00), 4:00, 7:00, 10:00 450 Town Center Place, Colum-
alums who fill the supporting roles appropriately. Verdict: I know a girl who vomited in the theater lotte Rampling. Gridiron Gang (1:45), 4:30, 7:15, bia
Overall, School for Scoundrels represents one of the watching this, sooooooo go see it! 10:00
funnier new movies to debut in some time—light on SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14 Jackass: Number Two (1:15), All the King’s Men (12:05)
plot, yet full of quality shenanigans. Jet Li’s Fearless √ 10 A.M. ONLY (3:20), 5:25, 7:30, 9:35 Covenant (11:55am), (2:15),
Synopsis: A skilled Chinese warrior faces foreign SECOND SATURDAYS AT THE Jet Li’s Fearless (1:30), 4:15, (4:35), 7:55, 10:15
School for Scoundrels (2006) starring Billy Bob might in the battle arena. NICK YOUTH SERIES 7:00, 9:30 Departed (11:30am), (12:30),
Thornton, John Heder, Jacinda Barrett, Michael Verdict: Shed a silent tear for Jet Li’s final A film series for caregivers and Love’s Abiding Joy (1:00), (3:10), (3:00), (4:00), 7:15, 8:15, 10:30
Clarke Duncan and Horatio Sanz is directed by Todd movie. youth focusing on the shared 5:20, 7:30, 9:40 Employee of the Month
Phillips and rated PG-13 for language, crude and experience of watching and dis- Open Season (1:15), (1:40), (11:50am), (2:20), (4:50), 7:45,
sexual content, and some violence. Open Season X cussing films. (3:20), (3:45), 5:25, 5:50, 7:30, 10:20
Synopsis: Animated adventure of a grizzly bear Admission: 1.00 per person 7:55, 9:35, 10:00 Facing the Giants (11:30am),
Opening in Wide Release This Week: and mule deer on the run from hunters. Nickelodeon Concessions Avail- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead (2:05), (4:40), 7:15, 10:00
Verdict: Come on, it’s for kids. able Man’s Chest (1:30), 4:30, 8:00 Flyboys (4:05), 7:05, 10:05
Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The
Synopsis: A teenager is thrust into a world of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning X Recommended Ages: 7-11 Gridiron Gang (12:40), (4:10),
espionage when his uncle goes missing. Synopsis: Prequel to the horror classic. PLEASE NOTE: PARENTS/ Beginning (1:15), (1:40), (3:20), 7:00, 9:55
Prediction: I’d rather download episodes of Verdict: These movies never work. CAREGIVERS MUST ACCOM- (3:46), 5:25, 5:50, 7:30, 7:55, Guardian (12:10), (4:20), 7:20,
James Bond Jr. on YouTube. PANY ALL CHILDREN 9:35, 10:00 10:20
Classic Movie Spoiler: WILLY WONKA AND THE Jackass: Number Two (12:35),
The Grudge 2 CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971) Columbia Place 8 (2:50), (5:05), 7:50, 10:25
Synopsis: The curse continues to spread… Scarface (1983): 7201/802 Two Notch, Columbia Jet Li’s Fearless (11:40am),
Prediction: …as does the rash of scary movies October 17-19 Tuesday-Thurs- Departed (3:30), 7:00, 10:05 (2:05), (4:35), 7:35, 10:10
this time of year. Synopsis: Pursuing a twisted form of the day Gridiron Gang (3:20), 6:30, 9:20, One Night With the King (Please
‘American Dream’ lowly Cuban hit-man Tony Showtimes nightly at 12:20am call theater)
Man of the Year Montana (Al Pacino) works his way up through the 7:00 & 9:00(3:00matinee Guardian (3:20), 6:30, 9:20, Open Season (12:00), (12:30),
Synopsis: A political comedian wins the Oval Miami underworld to become a kingpin of the cocaine Wednesday)(Special screening 12:20am (2:15), (2:45), (4:30), (5:00), 7:00,
Office. trade. with TalkBack Tuesday, October Jet Li’s Fearless (2:00), (4:25), 7:30, 9:15, 9:45
Prediction: John Stewart could feasibly be the 17 at 4:00) 7:20, 9:40, 11:55 School for Scoundrels (12:20),
strongest candidate for Democrats in ’08. Spoiler: Blinded by success, wealth, and PLEASE NOTE: THERE WILL Open Season (1:55), (4:15), 7:05, (2:40), (5:10), 7:40, 10:10
a growing cocaine addiction Tony infuriates a BE A SPECIAL SCREENING 9:15, 11:20 Step Up (11:45am), (2:35), (5:00),
The Marine Columbian drug lord who sends a team of assassins TUESDAY OCTOBER 17 AT 4 School for Scoundrels (2:30), 7:25, 9:50
Synopsis: After being discharged a marine must to end his reign. Losing his best friend and sister he P.M. WITH A TALKBACK. MORE (4:50), 7:25, 9:45, 12:00am Texas Chainsaw Massacre:
rescue his family. dies a spectacular death taking out swarms of hit-men ON THIS LATER. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The The Beginning (12:15), (12:45),
Prediction: WWE stars = Action heroes. Except single handedly in a final cocaine-fueled rage. Beginning (2:25), (4:40), 7:15, (2:30), (3:00), (4:45), (5:15), 7:30,
for The Rock. He can’t act. THE ROAD TO GUANTANAMO 9:35, 11:45 8:00, 10:00, 10:30
Part drama, part documentary,
20 Horoscopes citypaper October 11, 2006

Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer

In today’s busy corporate world,
many young singles resort to the
occasional liaison with a coworker.
Interoffice dating: it’s fun, danger-
ous, secretive, and sexy. Of course,
you’ll never experience that forbid-
den fruit as long as you’re known
as the weirdo with the “Highway to
Heaven” screensaver in Account-
ing.
Prepare yourself mentally and
spiritually for your upcoming sa-
fari by taking time to meditate
and get plenty of rest. But, if you
don’t have time for that before
your trip, I’m sure being trampled
by a herd of water buffalo will
build character, too.
Sure, you’ve spent your life savings
and have moved to Tibet to devote Aw, this is bull -shucks-! With City
Paper’s new “Family First” rule, I
your life to a Buddhist monastery.
But a monkey wrench will be thrown can’t blurt out a -mother dunking-
obscenity, even if I -falootin’- want
into that life plan when you choke on
a tea leaf, have a near death expe- to. See? It’s some auto -chuckin’-
matic censoring thing they’ve in-
rience and, strangely, find yourself
on a Helatrobus spaceship hurtling stalled. -Galddarn- you, City Paper!
-Galddarn- you to -heck- !
through the galaxy. Yep, Tom Cruise
and L. Ron Hubbard were right all
along. Hail the Thetans!

Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio

You know who else is a Leo, Leo?
Mark Foley. (Thanks a lot, Foley,
you wack job. Now, whenever Bob
Seger’s “Turn the Page” comes
over the Statehouse chambers
Musak system, everybody gets
creeped out and nervous.) ...
( I used to jam to that song, man!)
Inspired by the cars in your
daughter’s high school parking lot,
you will decorate your Hummer
windows with colorful and peppy
washable graffiti. But instead of
inserting your name beneath the
mock picture frame drawn around
the driver’s side window, your con-
science will drive you to scribble
the truth: “Just ate half of a leftover
coconut cake and watched Pas-
sions at home on my lunch break.”
Happy Birthday, Libra! I must say,
you look stunning for 71, and-
- What’s that? You’re 36? ...You
should really, really, really stay out
of that tanning bed.
Your birthday is next, Scorpio. But,
don’t think of your mid-thirties as
a greased metal slide that rockets
you, screaming and clawing for
purchase, into the gaping black
maw of middle age and death.
...Well, actually, that’s a pretty
accurate description of it.

Sagittarius Capricorn Aquarius Pisces

It’s almost that heady time of
year when your outfits, mistaken
for Halloween costumes, are the
peak of coolness. As usual, enjoy it
while you can. After November 1st,
the world will be back to normal
and you will be heckled for wear-
ing those knee-high moccasins to
Sharky’s.
Tommy Moore, the Guv’s about to
throw you a bone: your gubernato-
rial campaign needs a print ad with
some pizzazz. I’m seeing a scantily
clad, tattooed brunette gal flipping
a bird. Maybe throw something in
about being “Number 1.” Columbia
really responds well to that type of
thing, trust me.
Could you do me a solid, Aquarius?
I had El Burrito for lunch and had a
blow out in the first floor can, third
stall (big time!). I need you to walk
in there, give a good whiff, and
give me a status report. If it gets
into your suit, you’ll just have to
deal with it. A tour group’s on their
way through and if it’s too funky out
in the hallway, well, I may have to
blame it on Bauer.
Pisces, if you want to avoid all the
fire and the plastic surgery don’t
listen to Rob Brezny’s prediction
this week. (Just between you and
me: the guy drinks like a fish. The
wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s
dead, if you know what I mean.
Poor guy.)

JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS “Gas Station”--silent but deadly.

by Matt Jones
Across
1 Itchy material
5 Covets, with “after”
10 Direction tornadoes spin in
the N. Hemisphere
13 Alan on “The West Wing”
14 Text message alternative
15 She did a “Do You Believe?”
tour
16 Fishing pole attachment
17 Way more than necessary
19 Dietary restriction
21 Separately
22 New York City TV station
24 Doc for head colds: abbr.
25 Primus leader Claypool
26 “Whadja say?”
29 Hairdos that get combed out
31 Full of NoDoz
33 “USA Today” pieces, often
37 Broadcast
38 Like locked Port-A-Potties
39 Use as a reference
42 Old-timey bicycle with the
huge front wheel
45 Late “City Slickers” actor
Kirby
47 Type of bean Hannibal
Lecter preferred
48 He presided over the O.J.
Trial
49 Confederate soldier
50 Suffix for human
53 Band that redid “I Will Sur-
vive”
55 “White ___” (2002 movie)
58 Like a batter in the on-deck
circle
62 Louvre items
64 All homey and comfortable
65 “___ chance!”
66 Like the Vikings
67 Worse than bad
68 Astronomer’s focus
69 They’re suckled
70 ___-majeste
Down
1 Raise red flags
2 Margarine
3 Some poetry
4 Show whose intro showed the
title on a license plate
5 Logical half
6 Thurman of “My Super Ex-
Girlfriend”
7 Lee who “nobody doesn’t
like”
8 Words on the spine
9 The Alfred P. ___ Foundation
(nonprofit institution)
10 England’s next king, maybe
11 Yao Ming’s position
12 Most full of ironic humor
15 ___ Awards
18 In base 8
20 “___-a-Lympics” (Hanna-
Barbera cartoon)
23 Like grandpa’s jokes
26 “Big Love” network
27 Coffee server
28 Stop being so childish?
30 Teen’s response to “What’d
you do on the weekend?”
32 Solidarity co-founder Walesa
34 Done with retribution
35 Sci-fi author Asimov
36 “Don Quixote” author
40 Blasting agent
41 Word before trip or stroking
43 High times?
44 “___ Five” (Brubeck classic)
45 Lou Groza’s team
46 Survey another time
51 “___ get it”
52 “Robinson Crusoe” author
54 Big name in spreadsheets
56 Abbr. on a rap sheet
57 ___ avis
59 “Jabberwocky” creature
60 Arms trader’s gun stash,
maybe
61 Gomer who said “Shazam!”
63 They precede UV
©2006 Jonesin’
Crosswords(editor@jonesin-
crosswords.com)
For answers to this puzzle, call:
1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per
minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill
to
your credit card, call: 1-800-
655-6548. Reference puzzle
#0278.
Su|do|ku citypaper October 11, 2006 21

Vickers spins out Dale Jr. on final turn at Talladega, 149,992 fans pissed
Out of approx- Then,” he said, “the boo-
imately 150,000 ing started.”
fans in attendance Disgruntled fans
at the Talladega began to throw bottles
Motor Superspeed- and trash down onto the
way on October track in protest, while
8, an estimated Vickers reveled in victory
149,992 were up- lane. When the Wake
set that driver Dale Up Guy, decked out in
Earnhardt Jr. was orange Kevin Harvick
robbed of a victory gear, was pelted by a
on the final turn plastic cupful of beer, he
of the race. The turned and jeered at the
“Wake Up with Co- seething throng of Earn-
lumbia City Paper hardt fans with his cigar.
Guy” was there to He was then hit with a
cover the race for water bottle. But, the
City Paper and was angry mob in that sec-
both shocked and tion quickly turned their
amused by the re- attention to a single fan
sult. He was one of in a Team Vickers shirt,
only a few people in who had begun to sneak
attendance who did not pull for Dale Jr. down the stairs toward an exit.
On the final turn of the race, Brian Vickers “A guy yelled, ‘You better take that shirt off,
of Hendrick Motor Sports, then in the 3rd spot, boy!’ ” the Wake Up Guy chuckled. “Then they
nudged his teammate, Jimmie Johnson in an at- started throwing stuff at him.”
tempt to edge Earnhardt Jr. out of 1st place. But, Lowe’s Motor Speedway has promised to
Vickers was a little too heavy on the juice and heighten security for Vickers at the October 14
spun out both Earnhardt Jr. and Johnson, which race in Charlotte.
left 1st place open to Vickers. In the upcoming issue of City Paper, The
The Wake Up Guy described the stands as Wake Up Guy will have a full account and photo
“a sea of red shirts,” as red is the team color of montage chronicling his weekend of camping with
Earnhardt Jr. thousands of other NASCAR fans at Talladega.
“When Vickers spun Dale Jr. out, it got so
quiet in the stands you could’ve heard a pin drop.

su|do|ku Puzzles by Pappocom Fill in the grid so that every row, column and 3x3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9
22 Advice citypaper October 11, 2006

Savage Love
Contemporary Gifts
631C Harden Street
Tuesday- Saturday Advice By Dan Savage
10am-6pm I’ve been dating a wonderful guy for four months.
He’s 41, I’m 37. We enjoy each other’s company; we
laugh a lot and he f#!ks like a champ—a keeper. The
issues I have with him are manageable, but I don’t know
how to broach these subjects: He has a dental bridge
that looks like it’s in serious need of a change. He also
The New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation uses his floor as his closet and his apartment isn’t tidy.
I’m not sure if I’m being judgmental and superficial. I
609 Greenwich Street, New York, N.Y. 10014 think he’d be even finer than he is if he fixed his teeth
For Information Call: 1-800-972-3550 and cleaned his house. How do I bring this up without
offending him? Should I bring it up? Thanks.
For Release Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Just That Into Him

Go ahead and bring up the bridge right away, JTIH,

as he’s probably not all that sensitive about it. It’s more
Edited by Will Shortz No. 1018 likely that he, like so many straight men, is oblivious to
his personal appearance. And as to the condition of his
ACROSS 35 This puzzle s 64 Chicken cordon 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 apartment—the mess, the clothes all over the floor—
1 ___ Brockovich, theme, ___ have you considered picking up after him? Not now, of
Julia Roberts succinctly 65 Cosmetician
14 15 16 course, at four months. You’re still just dating. But if this
title role 39 Gen-___ Lauder gets serious and you move in with him, JTIH, you can
17 18 19
(boomer s kid) solve his cleanliness issues by, you know, cleaning for
5 Mex. misses 66 Teamster s rig him.
20 21
10 Tom, Dick or 40 Shakespeare s
Harry stream Shhh. Do you hear that rumbling sound? That’s a
DOWN 22 23 24
14 1998 N.L. 42 Hood s gun million angry women and 25 feminist men pounding out
M.V.P. from 1 A.B.A. 25 26 27 28 29 angry e-mails to me. “It was extraordinarily sexist of you
Chicago 43 Rhone tributary members titles to suggest that this woman clean up after this man,” tap
45 See 35-Across 2 Lecherous sort 30 31 32 33 tap tap, blah blah blah. “I had to check the cover of the
15 Sports hiree paper to make sure I wasn’t reading Christianity Today!”
16 Sen. Bayh of 49 Cold war inits. 3 “Beauty ___ the 34 35 36 37 38 39
Indiana eye …” I may be extraordinarily sexist, but suggesting that
50 “___ No
17 See 35-Across Mountain High 4 Famous name 40 41 42 43 44 one half of a couple take the lead on housekeeping
Enough” (1970 in hot dogs isn’t conclusive proof. This is because my comments
20 Ladies of Lisbon 45 46 47 48
#1 hit) 5 Japanese aren’t motivated by misogyny, but by my own personal
21 Crowbar, e.g. experience in long-term relationships—and none of my
51 Underground beetle, e.g. 49 50
22 “I ve Got ___ in LTRs have involved any “gyny” for me to “miso” on. Take,
Railroad user 6 Isle ___ for example, my current LTR. My boyfriend does my
Kalamazoo” 51 52 53 54 55 56 57
National Park laundry, shops for me, and cooks for me. I don’t expect
23 Soccer ___ 54 Least drunk
7 Small amounts 58 59 60
him to do these things for me because he’s a woman.
25 See 35-Across 58 See 35-Across He’s not a woman—he’s got an absolutely ginormous
8 90° from down: cock. He does these things because he’s good at them,
30 Geniuses group 61 Follower of inter Abbr. 61 62 63
or et while I’m bad at them—and he actually seems to like
31 12/24 or 12/31 9 Any ship taking care of me. I like taking care of him, too: I move
64 65 66
32 Golfer 62 “Marat/Sade” things, kill things, and pay for things.
playwright 10 Unbeatable foe
Ballesteros Puzzle by Jay Leatherman
11 Tel ___, Israel So if my ginormous-cock-having boyfriend can pick
34 Samuel s 63 Statement to a 30 “___ culpa” 46 Hand-me-down 54 Fit of pique
teacher judge 12 Luxuriant locks up after me, JTIH, I wonder why lovely-vagina-having
33 Bard s before 47 Supposed 55 Creator of Perry you can’t pick up after your guy? I mean, think about it: If
13 M.I.T. grad., founder of things work out and you fall in love and you move in and
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE often 36 Soufflé needs and Della
Taoism get married or whatever, what are you signing up for?
F R A Y R A LI R I F T S 18 Bowser s 37 Asian goat 56 Goblet feature The both of you? To take care of each other, right? Well,
48 Nucleic acid
Y U L E E T ER E M A I L identification 38 Holder of he clearly needs someone to take care of making dentist
sugar 57 Bangkok native appointments and straightening up. What do you need?
I T S A C L NA F A N N Y 19 Diva Gluck claimed property
51 Strike defier 59 Have a tab
How will he—how does he—take care of you? Does he
H O R S E A N
D B U G G Y 23 “Outta my way!” 41 ___ riche cook? Does he fix your car? Does he do your taxes?
N O D S L E E 52 Vegetate Does he knit you sweaters? If there’s some semblance
24 Prime S.S.S. 44 Persian 60 Jazz s
G I S R E T R I A L A S A classification governors 53 Gallic girlfriend Montgomery of balance, if there’s cheerful reciprocity, then why not
A D M I T I D S P L U S do his damn laundry?
25 Probe, with
M E A T A N D P O T A T O E S
“into” For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a
M A L T O N E M A U D E
26 Bagel choice credit card, 1-800-814-5554.
A L L G R A N I T E D E T
27 Major mattress Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday mail@savagelove.net
S O S G O N G crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS.
N I C K E L A N D D I M E maker
Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000
C O B R A A R O D V I S E 28 Nettled past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($34.95 a year).
A D E E R C A R L E S P Y 29 Each s Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young
N E T W T E P E E N O N E companion solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.
Post Local
Chef Fatback’s Deep-Fried Classifieds
Automotive
2000 IMPALA LS
Sunroof, alloys, leather, AM-FM/CD,
V6 eng, pwr. equipment! Engine was
replaced and has around 85,000 miles
on it. Call (803)466-3663 $4800obo!
More Info: http://columbia.craigslist.
org/car/189054758.html
‘01 HONDA 1100
Sabre seat, exc. cond., $100 OBO.
Call 957-4538
Employment
BILINGUAL RECRUITER
BlueShield logo.” border=”0”>
“BlueCross BlueShield”:http://www.
southcarolinablues.com of South Car-
olina is currently seeking professional
candidates for a **Bilingual Recruiter**
located in Columbia, SC. BCBSSC is
proud to have been reco To view all
requirements go to “southcarolinab-
lues.com
Quick Money Maker$$$$$$$ 100%
Profit
Sell Prepaid Adult Internet Access
Cards!!! This is a great money maker
100% profit. Sell them to your friends
& family and make that extra cash that
you need!Email me For more informa-
tion.
Free Classified Ads From Columbia’s Only Locally Owned Alternative Weekly www.columbiacitypaper.com
citypaper October 11, 2006 23
Events or Small Couch will fit underneath. A campus, fenced back yard, pets wel-
great way to gain more space! --$100 come, $690/mo. Call 803-429-1486 or
dropper looking to add members. filter, changing wiper blades, chang-
www.myspace.com/namedropper ing bulbs (headlight, taillight, interior),
THE QUEST - A FREE EVENT FOR OBO TWIN MATTRESS Fits Loft Bed, 407-6613 and other things which will save you
ALL Extra Firm/Theraputic, Great Condi- SERIOUS DRUMMER LOOKING FOR money and keep your car running
A Celebration of “Our Five Points” on tion. --- $60 OBO BOTH --- $150 OBO serious drummer looking for other longer. Please visit http://www.neigh-
Saturdays once a month. On Sep- Call 864-205-6473 Musicians serious musicians to start or join a borsgarage.com under General Chat
ROCK/METAL band. call rusty at 803- to express your interest in the class.
tember 23, 11:00-3:00, come to Five
Points for a day of shopping, listen- Housing 632-9402 Registration is required
ing to Joseph Greco and enter THE
QUEST. The contest will give you a USC/walk 2 class/5pts FEMALE VOCALIST WANTED Lease Retail Space!
chance to win merchandise & gift 4BR - 3BA , Cayce I am a USC keyboard player seeking a Want to be a business owner but don’t
certificates from all the merchants *House for Rent* Less than 1.5 mi. female vocalist to sing for a pop/jazz have the time or money to invest into
participating. *Meet at the fountain in from USC, jacuzzi, totally renovated. duo. *All Original Songs* Instrumenta- your own store? You can lease an area
Five Points & pick up a form. *Return $1550 per month! Call 205-534-0770 tion: Keyboard, Vocalist (maybe later in my store, while I take care of every-
completed form with listed merchants we could add drums and bass) Call thing involved in running a business.
signatures. *A drawing will be held at AWESOME NEW SHANDON CONDO! Tim (803) 479-1594 or respond via More information? Call 803-256-9747.
4:00pm for all the merchandise & gift FOR SALE: Sept. 1st. in Shandon. Postlocal or e-mail tjpape32@yahoo.
certificates donated by the merchants. Only a few miles from USC. Brand com Will pay cash for your broken or non-
**Do not have to be present to win. new appliances, hardwood floors, and functioning guitar, bass, or amp. Will
Some of the merchants participating: a pool for condo residents! Call Mrs. Personals consider all. E-mail me with year,
Sylvan & Dubose, 2 G’s, Five Points Cain at (803)419-9485, for details. DRUMMER NEEDED FOR brand, model, and description of prob-
Bookstore, THE OOPS’ Co., It’s All In Cola variety rock band. Call 479-3551
looking for a casual LTR lem.brokenguitars@gmail.com
The Name, Pet Supplies Plus & many EARLEWOOD LARGE 1BR or 463-0411. Looking for a girl who just wants to
more.. JULY WINNER: CARA COSTI- , office, LR, kitchen w/ all appli., C/A, have fun! Locate Dead Beat Parents
GAN, COLUMBIA! OTHER DATES- walk in closet w/ W/D, deck, $575/mo. PRIVATE MUSIC INSTRUCTION Pri- Have a court order for child support?
OCT. 21, NOV. 18. 11:00-3:00 + sec. Call 960-1058 PRIVATE vate piano / guitar lessons. Contact
I’ll give this a shot... Can’t find that dead beat? Call Right-
Kendell Healy klh@kendellhealy.com
I enjoy working out, swimming, boat- fully Yours to see how we can help you
2BR/1BA , Online bio / resume available at http://
ing, shopping, traveling (especially to locate and collect @ 803.771.2300
For Sale FP, kitchenette, LR, Patio. No smok- www.kendellhealy.com
ing. Forest Lake, 400/mo inclu. util.
the beach!), trying out new restaurants
and taking care of/playing with my dog HAIRCUTS $5
Pioneer Reel 2 Reel Player
782-7839 DRUMMER WANTED FOR Sadie. I’m always up for trying some- Perms & Highlighting $39
1976 Pioneer Reel-to-Reel tape player Southern/Classic Rock band. Call
thing new. Waxing $10
for sale. Includes several classic rock FOREST ACRES 1135 317-5180. Open 7 Days Hair Salon 803-359-
reels. Asking $300 OBO.Brad @ 414- Sunnyside 3BR/2BA, 1600 sq ft, Independent Person 1379
4130. owner financing available. Please call PROFESSIONAL SINGER LOOKING
I am a very independant person. I
need alone time, but am looking for Free Classifieds at http://
Amanda Nichols with the Knight Com- for band. 29 yr. old male, has demo,
I have 196 laser discs including a Pio- pany 381-2114 ready to perform. Call 803-528-9770
someone to spend some time with.
w w w . c olum b ia c i t y pa p e r .
neer CD/LD/CDC player for sale. All in
mint condition. Asking $3000 OBO for SHANDON RENOVATED 1 DRUMMER NEEDED FOR Services com (They will also appear
the entire collection.SIO.Brad @ 414- BD Bath, central a/h, carpet, great lo- Dead/Phish type jam band. Listen at
cation. $515 plus sec. 960-1058 www.tokenband.org Call 446-5747.
Free Car Maintenance Class in print) Call 803.446.3458
4130.
General knowledge stuff like changing to upgrade to display or for
WOODEN LOFT BED Twin Size, Very DOWNTOWN 1909 ANN AUDITIONING MEMBERS Estab- oil (filter as well), flushing a radiator,
data entry services.
Sturdy, Excellent Condition, A Futon St. 2BR/1BA, 5 min. drive to USC lished Columbia based band Name- checking tire pressure, changing an air
 Is Five Points Association
excluding your business?

The Associations new website fails to list media actually located in Five Points, but does list Virgina-based Portico Publications.

Forget the good ole’ boys, represent yourself!

10 a.m. City Hall October 18
An overwhelming majority of Five
Points merchants were against
parking meters in the eclectic shop-
ping village. However, an elite few
misrepresented the area, and now
there’s even the unprecedented
Saturday meter enforcement. If
you own a business in Five Points
or have gotten a ticket on Satur-
1710 Main Street, Columbia, day, come to the open forum at
City Hall Wednesday, October 18.
S.C. 803-929-0037