Predatory Vampire

A Screenplay by Theresa Janeor

INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Popular psychiatrist DR SARAH HUMBLE is arguing with

witty computer programmer PROF TOM HEMINGWAY.
SARAH tries to hug TOM but he shakes her off.

SARAH
Please Tom, don't leave me.
TOM
I'm sorry Sarah, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more
brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of
running away.
SARAH
I am such a person!

TOM frowns.

TOM
I'm sorry, Sarah. I just don't feel excited by this relationship
anymore.

TOM leaves.

SARAH sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, splendid housekeeper DI JESSICA

MEADOWS barges in looking flustered.

SARAH
Goodness, Jessica! Is everything okay?
JESSICA
I'm afraid not.
SARAH
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
 JESSICA
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire exterminate a bunch
of babies!
SARAH
Defenseless babies?
JESSICA
Yes, defenseless babies!
SARAH
Bloomin' heck, Jessica! We've got to do something.
JESSICA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
SARAH
You can start by telling me where this happened.
JESSICA
I was...

JESSICA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

SARAH
Focus Jessica, focus! Where did it happen?
JESSICA
Vasquez Rocks, California! That's right - Vasquez Rocks,
California!

SARAH springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

SARAH rushes along the street, followed by JESSICA. They

take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences
along the way.

EXT. VASQUEZ ROCKS, CALIFORNIA - SHORTLY AFTER

JENNY THORNTON a predatory vampire terrorises two
babies.

SARAH, closely followed by JESSICA, rushes towards

JENNY, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

JESSICA
What is is? What's the matter?
SARAH
That's not just any old vampire, that's Jenny Thornton!
JESSICA
Who's Jenny Thornton?
SARAH
Who's Jenny Thornton? Who's Jenny Thornton? Only the
most predatory vampire in the universe!
JESSICA
Blinkin' knickers, Sarah! We're going to need some help if
we're going to stop the most predatory vampire in the
universe!
SARAH
You can say that again.
JESSICA
Blinkin' knickers, Sarah! We're going to need some help if
we're going to stop the most predatory vampire in the
universe!
SARAH
I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows.

Jenny turns and sees Sarah and Jessica. She grins an evil
grin.

JENNY
Sarah Humble, we meet again.
JESSICA
You've met?
SARAH
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young SARAH is sitting in a park listening to some jazz

music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees JENNY. She takes off her

headphones.

JENNY
Would you like some peppermints?

SARAH's eyes light up, but then he studies JENNY more

closely, and looks uneasy.

SARAH
I don't know, you look kind of predatory.
JENNY
Me? No. I'm not predatory. I'm the least predatory vampire in
the world.
SARAH
Wait, you're a vampire?

SARAH runs away, screaming.

EXT. VASQUEZ ROCKS, CALIFORNIA - PRESENT DAY

JENNY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
JESSICA
(To SARAH) You ran away?
SARAH
(To JESSICA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to
do?

SARAH turns to JENNY.

 SARAH
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this
time!

SARAH runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

SARAH
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with arrows.
JENNY
I'm not scared of you.
SARAH
You should be.

EXT. NOTTING HILL, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

SARAH and JESSICA walk around searching for something.

SARAH
I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here.
JESSICA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly
arrows.
SARAH
You know nothing Jessica Meadows.
JESSICA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're
here.

Suddenly, JENNY appears, holding a pair of arrows.

JENNY
Looking for something?
JESSICA
Crikey, Sarah, she's got your arrows.
SARAH
Tell me something I don't already know!
 JESSICA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
SARAH
I know that already!
JESSICA
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
JENNY
(appalled) Dude!

While JENNY is looking at JESSICA with disgust, SARAH

lunges forward and grabs her deadly arrows. He wields
them, triumphantly.

SARAH
Prepare to die, you predatory parsnip!
JENNY
No please! All I did was exterminate a bunch of babies!

TOM enters, unseen by any of the others.

SARAH
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were
defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me!
Sarah Humble defender of innocent babies.
JENNY
Don't hurt me! Please!
SARAH
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows
on you right away!
JENNY
Because Sarah, I am your mother.

SARAH looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects

herself.

SARAH
No you're not!
 JENNY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

JENNY tries to grab the arrows but SARAH dodges out of the
way.

SARAH
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, JENNY slumps to the ground.

JESSICA
Did she just faint?
SARAH
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a
more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows.

SARAH crouches over JENNY's body.

JESSICA
Be careful, Sarah. It could be a trick.
SARAH
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Jenny
Thornton is dead!
SARAH
What?
SARAH
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

JESSICA claps her hands.

JESSICA
So your arrows did save the day, after all.

TOM steps forward.

TOM
Is it true? Did you kill the predatory vampire?
 SARAH
Tom how long have you been...?

TOM puts his arm around SARAH.

TOM
Long enough.
SARAH
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Jenny Thornton.
TOM
Then the babies are safe?
SARAH
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.

TOM
You are their hero.

The babies bow to SARAH.

SARAH
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The
knowledge that Jenny Thornton will never exterminate
babies ever again, is enough for me.
TOM
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the babies passes SARAH a magic necklace

TOM
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their
gratitude.
SARAH
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.
 SARAH
Well, if you insist.

SARAH takes the necklace.

SARAH
Thank you.

The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.

SARAH turns to TOM.

SARAH
Does this mean you want me back?
TOM
Oh, Sarah, of course I want you back!

SARAH smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

SARAH
Well you can't have me.
TOM
WHAT?
SARAH
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire
to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover
like that.
TOM
But...
SARAH
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who
stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend,
Jessica.

JESSICA grins.

TOM
But...
 JESSICA
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
TOM
Sarah?
SARAH
I'm sorry Tom, but I think you should skidaddle.

TOM leaves.

JESSICA turns to SARAH.

JESSICA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
SARAH
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly JESSICA stops.

JESSICA
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my
bed, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't
you?
THE END