Ian Millhiser

@imillhiser
Aug 19 • 119 tweets •
imillhiser/status/1560673256050692101

I would like to know all the possible levels of goose warnings

and what they entail.

Steve Stewart-Williams
@SteveStuWill · Follow

Peace was never an option

7:16 PM · Aug 18, 2022

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Read 778 replies

At level 9, the geese develop full sentience and demand self-governance.

At level 12, the newly formed Goose Free State demands full independence and sovereignty
over its ancestral lands.

Level 17 is when the United Republic of Waterfoul successfully detonates an atomic weapon
in a controlled test.

At level 19, the Waterfowl receive a permanent seat on the United Nations Security Council.

At level 23, the war came.

At level 26, the few surviving humans still able to organize a government offer their
unconditional surrender. In the world that emerges, suffrage is limited to geese, ducks,
loons, swans, and, under the Very Good Boy Act of 2037, dogs who assisted the Waterfowl
during the war.

Level 32. A team of loon scientists complete a 12 second test flight of a device allowing them
to travel faster than light. The Waterfowl parliament swiftly appropriates funding to develop
a colonization fleet.

Level 35. An uprising begins in owl neighborhoods in east London. The owls, long required
to work menial jobs by waterfowl owners of capital, demand higher wages, public schools,
and a 60 hour work week. The uprising ends after Waterfowl soldiers open fire, killing 100s
of owls.

Level 37. The last remaining Very Good Boy dies, meaning that political power is now held
entirely by waterfowl. East London owl workers announce they have formed a union. They
are immediately fired and replaced by human scabs.

Level 42. Waterfowl explorers discover an Earth-like planet nearly 50 lightyears away. It is
inhabited by a giraffe-like species with technology similar to ancient Greece. Waterfowl
admiralty order a reconnaissance ship into orbit to assess the planet’s suitability as a colony.

Level 45. Scandal rocks the UWR after news breaks that Prime Minister Cygnus Brightbill, a
swan, is having sexual relations with one of his owl servants. Brightbill resigns in disgrace.
Parliament passes legislation banning “that most heinous carnal act with a lesser bird.”

Level 47. In the backroom of a pub 30 miles from Cork, Ireland, three aging human veterans
of The War meet with leaders of the owl resistance. The meeting is tense, but the owls
nonetheless recognize the strategic value of forming an alliance with fighters with opposable
thumbs.

Level 51. Former Prime Minister Brightbill becomes an unlikely radio star. Within a few
years, his pro-colonization talk show can been heard in every corner of the UWR.
Expansionist members of parliament quietly meet with him to seek his endorsement and
approval.

Level 57. A bomb detonated in downtown Moscow kills seven loons, three geese, and 17
ducks, one of whom is the daughter of a top executive within the UWR’s growing spacecraft
building industry. A group called the “Man-Owl Alliance” claims credit for the attack.

Level 61. Waterfowl admirals quietly meet with carefully selected princes and warlords
among the Giraffe-like people of the distant planet, who call themselves the "Attredi." The
admirals promise vast wealth to the Attredi leaders in return for help subjugating their
people.

Level 63. Brightbill is invited to Number 10 Downing Street to have lunch with newly elected
prime minister Anas Greenhead. The PM, a handsome, bespectacled duck, describes it as a
"wide-ranging, productive conversation" but declines to reveal any more details of the
meeting.
Level 67. The conquest of the Attredi is swift and bloodless. Resisters lay down their arms
after a demonstration of the UWR's vastly superior weapons. Select Attredi princes retain
local control, but they must produce vast quotas of natural resources for their Waterfowl
masters.

Level 68. Greenhead announces the appointment of Brightbill as the first Viceroy of Attredi.
Brightbill travels to his new post onboard a luxurious spacecraft, surrounded by servants and
retainers.

Unbeknownst to Greenhead, the passengers include Brightbill's owl mistress.

Level 71. Tens of thousands of peaceful human protesters march on London to demand
increased food rations. They are met with silent contempt from the Greenhead government,
which offers no public comment on their protest.

Level 73. A pamphlet distributed by the Man-Owl Alliance is discovered on an owl worker in
Moscow's spacecraft yards. Parliament swiftly passes a law barring non-waterfowl from jobs
building the UWR's growing fleet.

Level 76. The Loon Science Academy announces that it has developed a transmitter enabling
instantaneous communication between Earth and the Attredi Raj.

Level 79. Viceroy Brightbill orders the construction of "a palace worthy of the UWR's
benevolence" in the Raj's newly established capital city. He demands vast amounts of a rare
and beautiful stone, which shimmers with a wavering green light in the Attredi sun, to build
his home.

Level 84. At a clandestine meeting between a UWR intelligence operative and a mole within
the Man-Owl Alliance, the mole reveals that a summit of resistance leaders plan to meet at a
hotel in Missouri. PM Greenhead learns of this intel in his daily briefing four days later.

Level 89. The first shipment of goods extracted from the Attredi people arrive at Earth. They
include many tons of gold. Crates of the green stone which captivated the Viceroy. And
strange spices unlike anything the Waterfowl have tasted before.

Crewmembers of the spacecraft transporting the goods also bring with them another exotic
treasure. A nut-like seed from a plant native to Attredi that, when ground and smoked,
produces a profound sense of euphoria.

Level 92. Greenhead meets with the UWR's Head of Intelligence and several senior generals
to discuss the supposedly upcoming Missouri summit. The generals will prepare plans to
strike the summit, but Greenhead insists on more gathering more intel before giving the
order.

Level 95. Brightbill and his mistress, a lovely barn owl named Nidae, wander the gardens
near his half-constructed palace. In Attredi, no one dare questions the Viceroy, so he and
Nidae can live openly as lovers and companions.
Level 97. Prince Soricidae, heir to the throne of the Shrew Kingdom, receives an invitation.
Educated in Massachusetts, the prince has remained close with his college friends, including
a smart young duck named Edward. Edward is getting married, and the prince shall be a
guest.

Level 100. Another bomb detonates, this one in the London Underground. 100s of waterfowl
are trapped in the rubble, as relief workers spend days digging them out. Dozens die,
including a member of parliament.

The Man-Owl Alliance releases a statement. It's a single word: "Hoot."

Level 103. One of the Viceroy's regional governors informs him that an Attredi prince has not
met his quota for neeze, a purple grain that bakes into a bread popular with wealthy
Londoners.

"Remove him." Brightbill orders. "And place a duck in charge. They're good with numbers."

Level 107. Valis Brownfeather is Chancellor of the Exchequer -- and has been for 23 years.
PMs come and go, but the UWR trusts only one goose with its money. Famously frugal, she's
driven the same car her entire tenure.

It explodes when she turns the key to start it.

"Hoot."

Level 111. Edward was not proud of his family’s fortune.

His grandmother bought humans. She bought prisoners and debtors and thieves.
Condemned men with opposable thumbs were the perfect industrial slaves. And, with them,
she built St. Louis’s auto industry from the ground.

Level 114. The terms of the Public Safety Act were straightforward. No human or owl could
enter a Safe Zone. Any human or owl traveling without a Waterfowl could be searched at any
time.

“Terrorists,” Greenhead declared upon its passage, “will not menace us. Not on my watch.”

Level 117. It is a crime to sell Attredi good outside the UWR. But there is no lawful trade in
Nuts, and officially the government denies knowing of the drug -- or of the black market for
it.

Which is how a shrew prince obtained six Nuts to share with his closest friends.

Level 121. Before the Waterfowl came, J’Parr was a priest. He was a keeper of the Eight
Truths, and a counselor to his village — consulted on matters of marriage and divorce. On
life and death.

Now his back burns with the scars of a thousand lashes.

Level 125. Greenhead felt good about the election. His people were prosperous and happy —
their bank vaults flush with Attredi gold. Tomorrow, he would speak at his final rally before
voting began.

Today, he had just one more meeting, with his intelligence chief.

Level 129. Waterfowl spies heard everything. They listened to the phone calls where men and
owls spoke in code about the Missouri summit. They read owls’ messages and heard the
whispers of men when no one seemed to be around.

The summit, they said, would be tomorrow.

Level 131. “Holy shit! Are these what I think they are?” Edward asked his friend with a gasp.

It was the night before Edward’s wedding. And the prince had given him his gift. Six Nuts,
wrapped in velvet, and presented in a small mahogany box.

The two old friends embraced.

Level 135. Election days are campaign days. In another year, Greenhead would be out
amongst his waterfowl, rallying them to the polls.

But today he surrounded himself with generals.

At 1630, Zulu time, Greenhead gave the order. He would end his term with a victory over
terror.

Level 138. The crowds were exuberant!

Greenhead’s party won in a landslide. His supporters quacked and honked his name as they
waited for him to speak. Flush with victory, the PM was about to take the stage.

An aide stopped him. “Sir,” she said. “We’ve made a horrific mistake.”

Level 140. Queen Eulipotyphla cried, alone in her bedroom. Her son was murdered in a
targeted strike that came from nowhere. The Shrews and the Waterfowl had always been at
peace. And now this.

She summoned an aide. “Contact the owls,” she said. “We shall fund their little war.”

Level 141. Amidst the confusion — the truncated victory speech and the hasty meetings, the
ghost-faced aides and the frantic, unsuccessful attempt to get the Shrew Queen on the phone
— no one noticed that a courier had dropped off a message for the PM.

It was one word: “Hoot!“

Level 144. On Attredi, a child of unusual ability is born.

Strong in neck and quick of wit, the child named "Som" shows an unusual aptitude for the
Eight Truths. By Som's fifth birthday, Attredi of all ages gather in their precious moments
away from work to hear his sermons.

Level 147. A team of men armed with Shrew-made weapons enter the Waterfowl Central
Bank. They immediately kill the bank’s governors, and hold the remaining employees
hostage, demanding suffrage rights for owls and men.

After an 18 hour standoff, the men are killed by SWAT geese.

Level 148. An inquiry led by Home Secretary Aix Sponsa reveals that the men who attacked
the Bank were able to smuggle themselves and their weapons into a Safe Zone by bribing
checkpoint guards on the night shift. The guards are arrested and hung.

Level 151. The last stone of the Viceroy’s palace is laid, and Brightbill invites the Attredi Raj’s
top geese, ducks, loons and swans to celebrate at a party in its main reception room. Also
invited are 100s of Attredi princes, who lavish the Viceroy with gifts of spice and gold.

Level 152. After the party, Brightbill and Nidae adjourn to their chambers on the highest
floor of the palace, where he adorns her with jewels and makes love to her for hours.

Level 159. “My shrews cannot afford war,” Queen Eulipotyphla tells the owl leader.

He is a greying screech owl, with a featherless patch on his left wing and a cough from years
working in the UWR’s coal mines. Among the men and owls he leads, he is known only as
“The Vulture.”

Level 160. “Nonetheless,” the Shrew Queen tells The Vulture, “with this device I do not
believe that you will need our armies.”

Level 163. “Fellow Attredi,” Som preaches to a gathering of laborers. They are dirty and
malnourished, and they struggle to raise their necks to see him. “Know our suffering is not
earned, and it is not our destiny.”

In the back of the crowd, an old priest nods in agreement.

Level 167. In time, Nidae grew bored of the palace. The food was exquisite but familiar, the
servants too afraid of the Viceroy to speak openly with her. But, more than that, she wanted
to learn more of the people her companion governed.

In the Viceroy's palace, even the servants were lesser birds -- or maybe a loon who'd fallen
upon hard times. No Attredi were allowed within the palace walls other then those awful
sycophantic princes with their gifts that were just going to be shipped back to Earth anyway.

And so Nidae decided one day to wander into the surrounding city, though she was stopped
at the gate by a guard who insisted it was for her safety.
"You are correct," she sad to him, narrowing her eyes. "I am precious to the Viceroy, and he
would be quite disturbed if anything happened to me. Which is why I am certain that the
Raj's soldiers would not be so foolish as to let me be harmed."

And then she exited the palace.

Level 171. The Vulture activates the device.

He's rewarded with a cacophony of voices. A blizzard of quacks and honks and warbles and
songs. It's too much. He can't pick out a single word.

He must learn how to find the signal in the noise.

Level 174. A miraculous discovery! The Loon Science Academy learns crystals buried deep in
Attredi soil burn for days, delivering enough energy to fuel a city block. The only byproduct is
steam!

They are at once an abundant energy source and a solution to Earth’s climate crisis.

Level 177. Struthio Longfeather has not seen his family in a year.

Each week, he’s flown to a new location — blindfolded and in isolation. There, he unloads a
strange craft full of crates bearing the Attredi Raj’s symbol.

Tomorrow his indenture ends, and he will be a rich bird.

Level 181. The Supreme Court of the UWR unanimously rules that pelicans are lesser birds,
not waterfowl.

“This Republic is, and must ever be, a homeland for freshwater birds. A sea bird is not, and
cannot, become a member of the political community formed by our Constitution.”

Level 184. After weeks of tinkering, The Vulture learns to isolate a single message.

It is an email from a wren, who serves one of the Viceroy’s minor aides, to her sister. Nothing
important.

Nevertheless, it is a breakthrough. Soon he’ll make contact with his agent in the Raj.

Level 187. The capital, Nidae learns, is a series of concentric circles. Just outside the palace
are a ring of dormitories where the servants live, plus proper houses for Waterfowl, their
sizes varying by the rank of its resident.

Just beyond the servants’ housing is a kind of open-air market, where Attredi barter their
goods to their colonizers. Nidea learns that the servants and the Attredi merchants have
developed a kind of sign language, which allows them to conduct simple business.

In time, Nidea learns enough of this language to sample the goods herself. She particularly
enjoys a small fruit, similar in appearance to a kiwi, but with a rich, almost savory taste
reminiscent of Mexican chocolate.
The soldiers mostly keep their distance, thought they warn her away when she approaches a
Nut vendor.

They rebel, however, when she starts to wander beyond the market into the parts of the city
where Attredi live.

At first, Nidea heeds their warnings, but curiosity soon overtakes her.

What she sees haunts her. Dozens of the giraffe-like people crammed into hovels too short to
extend their necks. Naked Attredi shivering on they streets. Sick and dead Attredi left to
fester and rot.

The entire Attredi district reeks with a pungent, acrid odor that, she later learns, comes from
the Attredi’s untreated waste. The Raj has not bothered to build them a sewage system, or
even a network of outhouses.

When she wanders among the Attredi homes, the soldiers remain close, forming a barrier
between her and the native people. They display their weapons openly.

Nidea returns to the palace, feeling ill.

Level 191. No secret is more closely guarded than the location where the next supply ship
from Attredi will arrive within the UWR. Even the workers who unload the goods are kept
isolated, signing one-year indentures during which they will have no contact with the outside
world.

Level 194. At last, he finds it! A message, ostensibly from a servant, using the words they
agreed upon in advance.

“Thomas,” it says. “I cherish our night together, but I’m sure you understand a relationship
would be impossible. Love, Jezebel.”

The Vulture has found his agent.

Level 195. The Vulture responds with their agreed countersign.

“Jezebel,” he writes. “You have made me very sad. I pray that we can at least continue this
correspondence. Love, Thomas.”

Level 200. At first, Queen Eulipotyphla resented the stream of refugees from the UWR to the
Shrew Kingdom. But owls are hard workers. And men, with their opposable thumbs, are the
most delicate builders.

They build her a remarkable array of satellites, with eyes that see all.

Level 203. As a child, J’Parr ran through the verdant fields of his homeland. He played
among the oldest of trees, resting in their shade and devouring their fruit.

Now the land is grey and dead, and the air makes him choke. The Raj’s machines must dig
deep to find the crystals.
Level 207. The trip from Attredi to Earth takes exactly 77 days.

The spacecraft are much too large to land, so when they arrive at Earth, Attredi goods are
transferred in orbit to a smaller vessel which brings them home. Only one loon knows in
advance where they will land.

Level 211. The message was brief and to the point.

“Thomas,” it read. “I’m afraid I’ve become quite busy, and cannot imagine I’ll be able to write
until next Tuesday. Love, Jezebel.”

And so the Vulture had a time. He had only to learn where to strike.

Level 214. An emu in the service of the Raj discovers that a fruit that grows just a few miles
from the capital produces the most exquisite wine. The Viceroy simply adores it, and he
orders the emu promoted to the highest rank available to non-waterfowl.

Level 215. Brightbill also issues a second order. “Too many of our Attredi workers have
grown idle. Bring as many as you need here to produce this delicious wine.”

Level 218. Svensk Bluefoot has always loved cars. And now he is a rich duck, with a job that
keeps him on the road all the time.

His new ride is green, sleek, and fast as hell. There’s no other like it in the UWR.

Level 221. The Raj’s soldiers are swift and efficient.

Within weeks, they round up thousands of new vineyard workers, loading them up into
transports so short that the Attredi, packed so tight they strain to breathe, must bend their
necks so their heads touch the floor.

Level 224. On the fourth week of the gathering, the soldiers come for J’Parr.

He is weak and hungry. And yet he fights, not out of any real sense that he can escape, but
because he must. As the soldiers beat him, he bellows his final words:

“Death is better than slavery.”

Level 225. Nearby, a young Som, now barely an adult, watches the old priest die before he
too is seized and taken to the vineyards.

Level 228. The Shrew Queen’s satellites have spotted a pattern.

A week before every shipment from Attredi arrives, a blue duck shows up in his green car to
inspect the site. His car is spotted in Edinburgh, one week before the next delivery.

Level 229. “Inform the owls,” Queen Eulipotyphla commands. “And make sure they have
what they need to take advantage of this knowledge.”
Level 233. Even as he’s forced to work, Som begins to notice patterns in his enslavers’ quacks
and honks. He learns the words they use for their weapons. Then the basic orders they give
to their soldiers. In time, he can understand entire sentences.

Level 237. For hours, a team of seven men wait a couple miles from an empty field near
Edinburgh. Empty, that is, except for the team of indentured workers milling about. Then
they see it in the sky — the transport ship arriving.

Together, they aim their Shrew-made rockets…

Level 240. “Today,” the prime minister begins, “police acting on my orders executed 550
men and 550 owls. Ten each for the 55 Waterfowl slain in the unprovoked attack on our
prosperity.”

“Future attacks will be met in kind,” Greenhead concludes. “Hail freedom, and hail victory.”

Level 244. The Viceroy’s palace is a fortress, surrounded by walls lined with cannons and
other mounted weapons. The guns discharge a superheated energy, and can essentially fire
unlimited shots — all powered by a crystal-powered generator hidden in the bowels of the
palace.

Level 246. Som’s days are long, and the work of planting and picking the Viceroy’s fruit is
relentless. Nevertheless, he makes time at night to preach to any Attredi who listen.

He spreads the old priest’s final lesson — “death is better than slavery.” In time, his flock
grows.

Level 249. The wine that her companion enjoys so much is, indeed, exquisite. And potent
enough to dull the boredom from listening to the endless parade of sycophants that Nidea
must endure at the Viceroy’s parties.

One day, Nidea announces that she wishes to see the fields where the fruit for this wine is
grown. By now, the Raj’s soldiers know better than to protest her requests. They even
arrange for a car to take her there.

Her immediate impression is that the Attredi slaves live in less squalid conditions than their
counterparts in the city. The Raj constructed an array of outhouses, and their waste is used
to fertilize the fields.

But then she sees the workers themselves.

Each Attredi is shackled with chains around their limbs and their necks. Yet, despite carrying
this burden, they must work at a breakneck pace. Lesser bird overseers stand by with whips
to punish stragglers.

As she walks by the field, she hears one of the slaves, a young Attredi who has barely grown
into her own neck, curse her in her own language.

She turns to a nearby soldier and orders him brought to her.

“Leave us,” she commands when Som is dragged to lay at her feet.

For three brief minutes, the owl and the Attredi converse. Though no one else is present to
hear what either has to say.

Level 250. A glorious day! The tenth anniversary of the Attredi Raj approaches. The Viceroy
declares a month of celebration, culminating in a party that all loyal birds are invited to
enjoy.

Level 253. Som’s flock grows. Though their necks are sore and their backs bleed, they gather
to hear his sermons.

He gives them strange instructions, such as telling them each to gather a stone twice the size
of their hoof. He tells them the reason why will soon be revealed.

Level 255. Three times, in the month leading up to the grand party, Nidea visits the fields
where Attredi slaves produce the Raj’s wine. All three times she speaks, briefly and privately,
with the young enslaved preacher.

Level 257. The entire Raj joins preparation for the decennial party. Trains of meats, fruits,
and cheeses arrive at the capital. Raj soldiers seize an Attredi town’s stock of a rare and aged
liquor. An Earth transport brings delicacies even the Viceroy has not tasted in a decade.

Level 258. Banners, painted with gold leaf and powdered green stone, line the streets of the
capital. Waterfowl of all ranks command their Attredi slaves to produce the finest tailored
garments for the occasion.

Level 259. For weeks, Attredi wine flows freely in pubs and taverns throughout the capital, as
Waterfowl toast their bold and prosperous nation and its glorious colony.

Level 260. Nuts, though still nominally illegal, are sold openly even in the Waterfowl district
of the capital. At the capital’s many dance clubs, lesser bird servants carry gold trays piled
high with Nuts for the revelers to take as their desire.

Level 263. It is the eve of the decennial. The capital is awash with drunken merriment. Birds
of all kinds fill the streets with laughter and song.

Meanwhile, Som’s flock hides within their homes. They pick up their stones, and
methodically start beating their chains with them.

Level 267. Decennial Day! Thousands of birds from across the Raj gather in the palace,
already drunk on wine by midday.

At the same time, in the vineyards, after hours of beating them with stones, the Attredi slaves
begin to break through their chains.

Level 268. In his private chambers within the palace, Brightbill adorns himself in his most
magnificent robe, woven of silk and gold. Jewels of all kinds adorn his wings, and a crystal
crown rests upon his head. Soon he shall make his appearance, and address his loyal
followers.
Level 269. In the palace courtyard, bird of all kinds await the Viceroy. An orchestra plays.
Attredi princes share wine and Nuts with their Raj’s governors. An ostrich diva, visiting from
Earth, serenades the guests with songs of Waterfowl heroes. An illustrious day for the Raj!

Level 270. The time has nearly arrived, and Brightbill summons his companion to
accompany him for his address.

Like the Viceroy, Nidea is adorned in gold, silk, and jewels. A glorious tribute to Brightbill’s
enlightened reign! She enters his chambers and embraces her swan lover.

And as she slides a blade into the Viceroy’s heart, she whispers a single word in his ear.

“Hoot.”

Level 271. Nidea knows she must move quickly. Using the Viceroy’s personal security code, a
secret he betrayed during a night of lovemaking, she logs into his work station and orders the
palace’s crystal generator shut down. Within minutes, the entire building goes dark.

Before she does, however, she sends a quick note along the Loon communications network
back to Earth.

“Thomas,” it reads. “My father is dead.”

Level 272. Meanwhile, on the outskirts of the capital, Som sees the lights in the palace go out.
He calls to his flock, their broken chains still dangling from their limbs.

“It is time,” he tells them.

Level 273. The Attredi slaves kill the few overseers who remained behind during the party
with ease, and take their weapons. Then they rush the capital.

In the city, only a skeleton crew of soldiers patrol the streets. And, while much of Som’s flock
falls before their guns, the Raj’s soldiers are soon overwhelmed.

And with each fallen bird, the Attredi arm themselves with more and more Waterfowl
weapons.

The palace’s walls are tall and imposing, but the Waterfowl never imagined that their own
weapons would be turned against them. As Raj soldiers snipe at the Attredi from on top the
walls, Som’s flock batter the wall itself. It isn’t long before they punch a hole.

The palace is full of bird soldiers, but most are unarmed. And many are so drunk or high they
care barely walk, much less mount a defense of the Raj’s stronghold.

The carnage is unimaginable, with ten Attredi falling for each slain soldier.
And yet the Attredi press on, each one determined to die if death is the price of freedom.

Som is no general. His own tactic is sheer numbers.

Wave after wave of Attredi crash upon the palace. Wave after wave lies bleeding in the
streets.

For hours, Attredi and bird clash, the unarmed Attredi beating the Raj’s soldiers with their
own chains.

And as the sun rises on the capital, the soldiers’ line breaks. The former slaves charge into
the palace.

Som’s flock lusts for blood. They hunt down every Waterfowl in the palace. Then every
Waterfowl in the city.

Ducks, loons, swans, and geese all lie lifeless in the palace courtyard — along with the
treacherous Attredi princes.

And, amidst the carnage also lies a single owl, dead and bleeding. And resplendent in her
gold and silk robes.

Level 276. The battle is over, and Som gathers what remains of his flock. What was once tens
of thousands is now a few hundred.

“Today,” he tells them. “We rest.”

“Tomorrow we shall tear this palace down stone by stone.”

Level 279. Days later, Queen Eulipotyphla’s spy master informs her that the Raj has fallen.

“Contact the owls,” she tells her. “Let them know that the Shrews are prepared for war.”

/fin

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