I'M NOT ENJOYING THIS EPISODE ONE

Written by Robert Stimpson & Jack Melling

21 Ailsa Close, Broadfield, Crawley, Sussex, RH11 9DW 07846764926

EPISODE ONE
- SCENE 1 INT. IN A FLUORESCENTLY LIT, SPARSELY DECORATED CORRIDOR OF A FLAT BLOCK. FRANK IS SITTING DOWN ON THE FLOOR LEANING AGAINST THE WALL. A COLLECTION OF BAGS AND A SUITCASE ARE STACKED UP BESIDE HIM. HE IS BOUNCING A TENNIS BALL AGAINST THE FLOOR, MAKING IT REBOUND OFF THE WALL OPPOSITE SO THAT IT RETURNS TO HIM. HE DOES THIS FOR A WHILE, CASTING AN OCCASIONAL GLANCE AT HIS WATCH. HE LOOKS BORED BEYOND BELIEF. THE NOISE OF SCURRYING FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD RACING UP AN UNSEEN STAIRCASE BEFORE ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE CORRIDOR IS FLUNG OPEN - ANTON APPEARS THROUGH IT, NOW SUDDENLY CALM AND COMPOSED. HE WITHDRAWS HIS KEYS FROM HIS POCKET.

Anton: All right Frank, fancy seeing you here.

Frank: Aren't you even going to bother apologising?

Anton:

Apologise for what?

Frank:

For being late.

Anton:

Am I late?

Frank: I said I'd be here at 3 and you said that was absolutely fine. So I got here at 3 and you only just turn up now.

Anton:

Well what time is it now?

Frank:

(checks watch) It's half 4. (MORE)

2. (CONT'D)

Anton: Oh. Right. Well there was still no problem with you getting here at 3. I didn't think you'd need me here to hold your hand.

Frank: I didn't need you to hold my hand, but you've got the key to the bloody door. How was I supposed to get in?

Anton:

When I got home. Now.

FRANK stands up and throws the tennis ball off to one side down the corridor. ANTON watches the ball curiously.

Frank: (grabbing at his luggage) Whatever, it's nothing now, let's just get this stuff inside

Anton: Where did you get that tennis ball from?

Frank: I found it in the lift, I had nothing else to do while I was waiting so I wandered around for a bit.

Anton:

In the lift?

Frank:

Yes, the lift.

Anton:

The lift in this building?

Frank:

Yes.
(MORE)

3. (CONT'D)

Anton: (smiling) I pissed on that the other night.

Frank: (utter defeat and revulsion) Really?

ANTON pauses momentarily to ponder the effect his answer will have.

Anton: No - where's your mum anyway? I thought she was coming, too.

ANTON UNLOCKS THE DOOR TO THE FLAT AND ENTERS FOLLOWED BY FRANK. THE FLAT IS A MODEST YET MODERN AFFAIR, CONSISTING OF A LARGE LIVING ROOM AREA COMPLETE WITH A SOFA AND TWO ARMCHAIRS, A LARGE FLAT-SCREEN TV AND A COFFEE TABLE. BEYOND THAT IS A KITCHEN AREA WITH PLENTY OF DIRTY WASHING UP STACKED NEXT TO THE SINK. ANTON THROWS HIS KEYS ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND IMMEDIATELY HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN WHERE HE PUTS THE KETTLE ON AND GETS SOME MUGS READY.

Frank: (carrying two bags in) She did come; she waited an hour with me but she had to go.

Anton: Oh that's a shame. say hello from me?

Did you

Frank:

What?

Anton: Did you say hello from me? To her.

(MORE)

4. (CONT'D)

Frank:

Well no, of course not.

Anton: rude.

That's a shame.

A bit

Frank: Aren't you gonna help me get these bags in?

Anton:

I'm making the tea.

Frank:

I don't like tea, though.

Anton: (turning to face FRANK) Well I wasn't making one for you anyway! And who doesn't like tea? How do you live up to the expectations that foreigners have of English people if you don't drink tea?

FRANK walks through the living room area to a door on the far side of the room. He opens the door and peers in.

Frank: Yes, I don't like tea, what a massive revelation! This is my room here, yeah?

Anton: Yeah, that's your own tiny space in the world now, dear little cousin of mine.

Frank: And how lucky I am to be sharing it with you.

5.

FRANK puts the two bags down just inside the door. ANTON takes a seat on one of the sofas with his cup of tea in hand. He is looking to get comfortable. FRANK looks at him with an element of surprise.

Frank: then?

Have you got me a drink

Anton: (pointing at the sink) The taps are over there, or there's some milk in the fridge.

Frank: Is that all I'm going to get by way of a welcome?

FRANK starts to make his way over to the sink to pour himself a glass of water.

Anton: Oh yeah, I nearly forgot, you have to pay me the first month's rent by Monday.

Frank: What? But you know I don't have a job. You said I didn't have to pay anything until I got a proper job.

Anton:

I don't makes the rules.

Frank: Yes you do. This is your flat. You do whatever you want.

Anton: Grab me a few Jaffa cakes while you're up would you?

6.

FRANK lets out a sigh and opens up the cupboard, rummaging around looking for the Jaffa cakes. He can't seem to find them.

Frank: There aren't any here, I can't find them.

Anton: I know, I finished them yesterday.

ANTON looks behind him at the still open door and remaining bags in the hall.

Anton, contd: Can you finish bringing your stuff in and shut the door, I can feel a draft coming in.

FRANK leans against the sink and finishes his water, slowly. He looks around the flat, already pondering if this was all a big mistake, before heading back to the open door.

- SCENE 2 INT. FRANK IS IN BED ASLEEP. HE SLOWLY STARTS TO WAKE UP. EVENTUALLY HE CHECKS THE TIME AND IT IS HALF TEN IN THE MORNING. FRANK LETS OUT A DISAPPOINTED GROAN. HE NOTICES THAT THREE POST-IT NOTES ARE STUCK TO HIS BODY. HE PICKS UP THE FIRST ONE, WHICH READS: "REMEMBER TO GET A JOB TODAY YOU USELESS PIECE OF SCUM, ANTON XX." THE NEXT ONE READS: "PS I MEAN A REAL JOB, NOT LIKE YOUR OTHER SHITTY TEMP JOBS, ANTON XX." THE FINAL NOTE READS: "I'M STANDING OVER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP. YOU SLEEP NAKED. I TOUCHED YOU, ANTON XX"
(MORE)

7. (CONT'D)

Frank:

Easier said than done.

FRANK gets out of bed and wanders into the lounge and turns on the computer. While it starts up Frank places his fingers to his temples in a Zen-like state. He closes his eyes.

Frank: There are jobs out there. I went to uni, I've got a degree. I'm an intelligent person and people want to hire me. There are jobs out there. It's not all shit. Britain is still great...I think.

A short montage ensues of changing views of employment and recruitment websites. The jobs are all boring, mind numbing jobs. And when one does catch FRANK's eye it asks for two years experience. Nonetheless he applies for a large number of them. The montage ends with FRANK running his hand over his hair and sighing with frustration.

- SCENE 3

INT. FRANK IS SITTING ON THE SOFA IN THE FLAT IN HIS PANTS AND A T-SHIRT WATCHING DISTRICT 9. ANTON WALKS INTO THE FLAT LOOKING EXCITED AND PLEASED WITH HIMSELF UNTIL HE SEES FRANK.

Anton: Well someone's been busy today haven't they? Didn't you read my messages? You're supposed to be getting a job. You're getting dangerously close to being dole scum.

(MORE)

8. (CONT'D) Frank: Of course I read your messages; you stuck them to my body! And I've been applying for jobs all day.

Anton: In your pants? No one's going to hire you when you apply for a job in your pants!

Frank: moron? me.

What are you on about you It's online, they can't see

Anton: Oh, they know. They know these things. I bet you don't hear anything back from these applications, all because of the pants.

ANTON moves to the kitchen and takes out a bottle of milk from the fridge to swig from.

Frank: Well I applied for 37 jobs today so if I don't hear anything back from at least one of them then I think I might as well just kill myself.

ANTON takes another swig.

Anton:

Yes, you should.

9.

Brief silence as FRANK doesn't really know what to say. ANTON turns to face the TV.

Anton, contd: What's this shit anyway?

Frank: How can it be shit if you don't know what it is?

Anton: Because it's got aliens in it and it's not a comedy.

Frank: It's District 9, you've seen it before.

Anton:

Oh yeah.

It's shit.

Frank: How is it shit? It's one of the best films of the last ten years!

Anton: It's got political undertones. I don't want to learn anything from a film, I just want explosions and, if possible, tits and lesbians. Anyway, I need to talk to you about the rent -

Frank: Look Anton, I have nothing, literally nothing. I will give you the money when I get a job, I promise. I thought you were fine for money anyway.

Anton: Yeah I was until I got this today.

ANTON pulls a ring box from his pocket.

10.

Frank: Oh no, you're not?!

Anton: What?

Frank: You're going to propose to her, aren't you?

Anton: No of course not, don't be gay.

Frank: What is it for then?

Anton: It's a promise ring.

Frank: What's a promise ring?

Anton: A promise ring is a ring you give to somebody who you want to be with for the rest of your life.

Frank: Don't you usually get married for that sort of commitment?

Anton: No, a promise ring is deeper than any marriage. It's a sign of true love, a bond that cannot be broken.

Frank: That's the gayest thing I've ever heard you say.

(MORE)

11. (CONT'D) Anton: I'd rather be gay than unemployed.

Frank: You'd rather suck a man off or get bummed than doing nothing all day?

Anton: Shut up! Dick! At least I have a girlfriend to give this promise ring to.

FRANK stays silent, raising his eyebrows.

Anton: What? What's that look for?!

Frank: I've told you before what I think about Nicola, and it only makes you angry.

Anton: Yes, it does make me angry, because you think she's a whore -

Frank:

Yes -

Anton: Fuck off! She's reformed. She has a past, but we all do. She loves me!

Frank: I know she doesn't. that for a fact.

I know

Anton: How?
(MORE)

12. (CONT'D)

Frank: She's just a loose woman, Anton, she just doesn't care about who she sleeps with - even you deserve better.

Anton: Jealousy is a tragic thing Frank.

Frank: I'm not jealous, I saw her -

Anton: Saw her what? What did you see her doing?

Frank: Nothing, I saw nothing.

Anton: Exactly (looks at the ring).

Frank: Look Anton, please don't give her the ring - I guarantee you, you will regret it!

Anton: I won't - our love is stronger than you could ever imagine.

FRAK rolls his eyes.

Frank: I'm going out.

FRANK gets up and walks to his room.

ANTON follows him.

(MORE)

13. (CONT'D) Anton: Going out to get a job, yeah?

Frank (putting on his jeans): I'll try, got nothing better to do (puts on his socks and shoes).

Anton: Yeah, you might as well, because you aren't going to hear back from those 37 you applied for today! I guarantee that. Then what Frank, then what?

FRANK grabs a coat and closes the front door as he leaves the house.

- SCENE 4

INT. ONCE AGAIN FRANK WAKES UP LATE. HE HAS ANOTHER POST-IT NOTE STUCK TO HIS ARM THAT READS: "GET A JOB PLEASE, ANTON XX"

A montage of clips ensues which sees a cycle of events over the space of a few days. It follows the basic pattern of FRANK - checking his emails, watching Jeremy Kyle, checking emails, watching Jeremy Kyle, eating crisps, checking emails, watching Jeremy Kyle, eating crisps, checking emails, watching Jeremy Kyle, checking emails, eating crisps, watching Jeremy Kyle.

All of a sudden, a phone call breaks this montage and FRANK scurries for his phone.

(MORE)

14. (CONT'D) Frank: Hello? - Yes, this is Frank Sinclair - I did apply for that position, yes - Yes, yes, half two on Thursday sounds absolutely great to me - Yes, I know how to get there - Ok, great, see you then.

FRANK ends the call.

Frank:

Get in there you fat slag!!

ANTON enters the flat looking curious as to all the noise.

Anton:

Who's a fat slag?

Frank:

I got an interview!

Anton: right.

(shrugs shoulders)

Oh

Frank: This is great! Now I can finally get my life on track and start being a real adult! I'm so happy!

15.

FRANK kicks a piece of rubbish on the floor and approaches ANTON instinctively for a hug, but it quickly descends into an awkward experience as ANTON just sneers and doesn't even attempt to reciprocate.

Frank: Let's have a few celebratory drinks tonight, yeah?

Anton: You haven't actually got a job yet, why are you so happy?

Frank:

It's a start, that's all.

Anton: Actually, that's a great idea. Have they emailed you an application form?

Frank:

They will be soon, yes.

Anton: Brilliant! Let's get smashed and fill it out tonight!

Frank:

Why?

Anton: Because you'll sound arrogant; and if you sound arrogant they'll love you. Nobody likes giving a job to a pussy. Every employer ideally wants a workforce of geezers with great beer stories and gobby women. And you're naturally not either of those.

Frank: I'm really not too sure about that.

16.

FRANK turns to face ANTON, who is standing at the fridge door with two cans of beer in his hand, shaking them lightly and smiling. Frank smiles apprehensively.

- SCENE 5

INT. A NOW DRUNK FRANK AND ANTON ARE FILLING IN FRANK'S ONLINE APPLICATION FORM.

Frank:

But I've never done that.

Anton: looks.

Who cares, look how good it

Frank: And what if they ask me what it was like teaching English to South Korean kids?

Anton: Then tell them! It's not that hard, Frank. Just bullshit your way through it. That's what they all do; stockbrokers, bankers, investors - they don't know what they're doing they're just arrogant and can shout other people down. And look at how rich they are!

Frank: Is that why they're utter bastards and everyone hates them?

Anton: I guess, although I can't see what they did wrong.

(MORE)

17. (CONT'D)

Frank: What about this one: give an example in a previous employment where you resolved an inflammatory situation between colleagues. What sort of a question is that? Why do they ask such stupid questions?

ANTON sits thinking silently.

Frank: Seriously, what if you've never had an inflammatory situation at work? Then you don't get the job? I don't get the job because I've never worked with aggressive people? This is bullshit!

FRANK throws his beer can down on the floor and starts to sob.

Anton: I've got it! Tell them that one of your old bosses was a massive racist, and he got caught mouthing off about an ethnic minority - I'll leave the race up to your own imagination - and it nearly caused a fight. So you sat your boss down and told him to stop being such a racist bastard. He changed his ways and everyone was happy. Sorted!

Frank: That just sounds ridiculous. I'm not putting that.

Anton: What could be more admirable than preventing racism? You'll be a shoe-in!

18.

FRANK looks at ANTON in a drunk, contemplative silence. ANTON smiles and nods encouragingly.

SCENE 6

INT. FRANK IS SITTING IN A ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTERVIEW. HE IS SAT OPPOSITE AN OLDER MAN INTERVIEWER IN A SUIT WHO IS HOLDING A FEW SHEETS OF PAPER.

Frank: - I was living in a flat in Seoul about five minutes from the school and just taught the kids basic English language skills. It was a very humbling experience, and changed my entire outlook on life.

Interviewer: Great stuff, Frank, that's really admirable. Very impressive. Now just hear it says that you diffused a potentially explosive situation that involved a racist. Can you tell me a bit more about that?

FRANK looks uneasy.

Frank: Yes - well - one of my old bosses was a bit of a racist, and he got caught out using inappropriate language about one of his employees.
(MORE)

19. (CONT'D)

Interviewer: at?

Which job was this

Frank: Erm - it was when I was working at the cinema. It was a good few years ago now.

Interviewer: The cinema? manager Bill Staggs?

Was your

FRANK looks horrified.

Frank:

Yes.

Interviewer:

Staggsy?

Frank:

Yes.

Interviewer: Old Staggsylilo? He's an old school friend of mine, the old slag. I didn't realise he was a racist though.

Frank: Oh, yes. He hates them all. Just all of them, anyone who isn't white and British. He's just full of hatred.

The INTERVIEWER thinks to himself for a few seconds.

Interviewer: The old cock. (MORE)

20. (CONT'D) Let me just phone him quickly, see what he's playing at.

The INTERVIEWER pulls out his mobile and presses a few numbers before putting the phone to his ear.

Frank:

What?

Interviewer: ringing.

Hang on, it's

Frank: I'm sure this isn't necessary.

Interviewer: (into the phone) Staggsy! All right son, how you doing? Good, good, can't complain. Listen, I've got a young man here for a job interview and he used to work for you. His name is Frank Sinclair - he says that apparently you're a massive racist.

FRANK leaps up from his chair and bats the phone out of the INTERVIEWER's hand before running out of the room in a frenzy.

- SCENE 7 EXT. THE STREET/CAR PARK OF THE FLAT BLOCK. FRANK ARRIVES BACK AT THE SAME TIME AS ANTON. FRANK DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY.

(MORE)

21. (CONT'D) Anton: (chanting) Frankie, give us a song, Frankie, Frankie give us a song!

Frank:

Shut up.

Anton: then?

How did the interview go

Frank: Terrible. It didn't even finish, I had to run out.

Anton: (laughing)

Why?!

Frank: Well it turns out that the guy interviewing me knew the person who I labelled as a racist. He phoned him up to double check my story.

Anton: Well that's a shame. Maybe you should check your facts before you go around labelling people racist.

Frank:

It was your idea you cu -

A woman pushing a pram with a baby in it approaches them.

Angela:

Hi Anton.

Anton: Hi Angela, how you doing sweetie?

(MORE)

22. (CONT'D)

Angela:

Great thanks, and you?

Anton: I'm literally awesome, Angela. Literally. This is my cousin Frank, by the way. He's unemployed and has been single for two years.

Frank:

What?

Angela:

Hi Frank.

Frank:

Hi, nice to meet you.

FRANK is unsure how to follow this up. He initially moves in for a hug, but the pram is in the way so he leans forward for a potential kiss, but changes his mind, so he just extends his hand for a handshake. ANGELA shakes his hand. FRANK squeezes slightly too hard and she winces.

Anton: Smooth. either.

He can't drive

Angela: Well, it's nice to meet you anyway.

Anton: He just blew a job interview today, as well.

Frank:

Anton, please.

Angela: My husband works at a recruitment agency in town. (MORE)

23. (CONT'D) If you want I can have a word with him, I'm sure he can easily sort you out a few interviews for some good companies.

Frank: great.

Oh Angela, that would be Thank you so much.

ANTON looks annoyed at FRANK and ANGELA sharing a conversation without him.

Anton: Enough of this boring rubbish, show us the little angel.

ANGELA smiles and picks the baby up out of the pram. She holds the baby up so that FRANK and ANTON can see his face. They both smile in a polite manner.

Anton:

Awww.

Look Frank, a baby.

Frank: Yes, I can see that. She's lovely Angela. What's her name?

Angela: Summer Destiny Grace Hope. Musselwhite.

Frank:

Oh - lovely.

Angela: Aw, thanks. So who do you think she looks like then?

(MORE)

24.

Anton:

(CONT'D) What?

Angela:

Who does she look like?

ANTON thinks for a second.

Anton:

Benjamin Button.

FRANK and ANGELA look at Anton in shocked silence.

Angela:

What?

Anton: Benjamin Button. You know, the wrinkly old man baby freak.

Angela: You think my baby looks like a wrinkly old freak?

Anton: baby.

Well, a bit, yes.

Shes a

ANGELA is disgusted by ANTON's words.

Angela: I've got to go now. Don't hold your breath for an interview for too long, Frank.

25.

ANGELA puts the baby back in the pram and walks away.

Frank: It was him, not me! just a moron!

He's

Anton:

What's her problem?

Frank: Benjamin Button? you thinking?

What were

Anton: That's the first famous baby I could think of!

Frank: You're supposed to say it looks like her or the father. That's the baby rule. You always say that.

Anton: But she looks nothing like either of them. She just looks like a baby.

Frank: I know that, we all know that, but you just smile and lie about it; and then you pinch their cheeks and say they're gorgeous. It's not true, but you just lie.

Anton: But babies aren't gorgeous! They're bald and fat and wrinkly.

Frank: Well, you've just cost me two jobs in a day, so thanks for that.

(MORE)

26. (CONT'D) Anton: You had interviews, not job offers.

Frank: Whatever, let's just go, I want to get these trousers off.

FRANK and ANTON head towards the flat block.

Anton: I tell you something else about babies - they've got no banter at all. Absolute crap personalities.

- SCENE 8 INT. FRANK AND ANTON ENTER THE FLAT. THEY BOTH REMOVE THEIR TROUSERS. ANTON GOES TO MAKE A DRINK, FRANK JUST SPRAWLS OUT ON THE FLOOR.

Frank: This needs to change, I can't go on like this. Where have all the jobs gone?

Anton: Just stick with your temping stuff, then something better will come along and you can take it then.

Frank: I can't keep temping. I'm doing the worst jobs for minimum wage. (MORE)

27. (CONT'D) I can't save any money and it looks shit on my CV - I've opened post, stuffed and sealed envelopes, I've hauled mail bags, I've done data entry. Amazing stuff. Its actually destroying my soul.

Anton: Well maybe next time you should apply for 50 jobs, not 37. Then maybe someone, somewhere, will be desperate enough to take you on. Either that or the phone will just ring out of the blue one day.

FRANK remains on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. ANTON sits down on the sofa with his drink. A few seconds pass, and then FRANK's phone starts ringing. He jumps up to his feet. He can hear the phone ringing but it is in his trouser pocket and he can't remember where he took them off. He scurries around and eventually finds it. He hurriedly answers the call.

Frank: Hello - yes - yes this is Frank - that would be amazing, yes Monday sounds fine to me - 3 o'clock, absolutely fine for me ok then, see you then.

FRANK ends the call and collapses into the sofa, exhaling with relief.

Anton: then?

What was that all about

Frank: It was an interview for a marketing job I applied for. This time nothing is going to go wrong.

(MORE)

28. (CONT'D) Anton: Do you want some help preparing for it?

FRANK stares at ANTON blankly.

Anton: Have we got any Vienetta in the freezer?

- SCENE 9 INT. FRANK ENTERS A ROOM AND GREETS THE INTERVIEWER A SMARTLY DRESSED MAN IN BLAZER AND JEANS CALLED MARK DENMAN.

Mark: Phil? Nice to meet you.

MARK shakes FRANK's hand.

Frank: It's Frank actually.

Mark: Sorry Frank. Bit of a weak handshake you got there?

Frank: (nervously) Oh, I don't really know how hard you should shake a man's hand. (MORE)

29. (CONT'D)

Mark: Real men shake a man's hand like they're trying to break it. Can you feel the pain when I shake your hand?

FRANK nods half-heartedly.

Mark: You see, real man (points at himself).

MARK stops shaking FRANK's hand.

Mark (pointing to a seat): Take a seat.

FRANK sits down. MARK takes a seat opposite FRANK.

Mark: If you didn't know this already, I'm Mark Denman, also known as the Denman, M-Dog or 01. Do you know why I'm known as 01?

Frank: No?

Mark: Because I'm (points at himself) number one. Do you know why I'm on number one?

30.

FRANK shakes his head.

Mark: Because I'm a ruthless fucker. I expect people that work under me to be the same. Question one, would you fuck a panda?

Frank: Sorry.

Mark: You heard me. Would you fuck a panda? It's a simple question.

Frank: Probably not, but why?

Mark Denman (shaking his head): You're not cut out for this shit. I would fuck a panda.

Frank: Ok.

Mark Denman: And you know why. Because I'm a winner.

Frank (ignoring the comment): I do have sales and marketing experien -

Mark Denman: Winners do whatever it takes to get the job done, even if it means fucking a panda, which I would do to get the job done.

Frank (ignoring the comment): In my last job I -

(MORE)

31. (CONT'D) Mark Denman: Would you fuck a panda if it meant getting the job done?

Frank: Still probably no. I just don't see the point in fucking a panda? I cant see that scenario coming into play.

Mark Denman: You need to grow some balls if you want a job in the marketing game mate. If you don't do what it takes, you will end up getting fucked by the panda. Do you want to get fucked by a panda?

Frank: No. I don't think it's possible - I doubt I'm ever going to be in a position where I could get fucked by a panda. They dont like having sex with each other, let alone with humans.

Mark Denman: You don't know for sure though do you? Rule two of marketing, be prepared for any situation. (Laughing) You're not ready are you?

Frank: Can I talk about my marketing experience?

Mark Denman: Experience is not important - it's all about personality. How many women have you slept with?

Frank: Is this relevant?

Mark Denman: Yes. If you're a true lad, then you would've slept with at least 30 women.
(MORE)

32. (CONT'D)

Frank: I haven't slept with 30. I was in a long-term relationship though.....

Mark Denman: Long term relationships are for pussies. Winners, like me, use for women for one thing. (Puts one index finger through a circle he's with the index finer and thumb of the other hand) You get what I'm saying Frank?

Frank: Yes.

Mark Denman: So the relationship didn't work out then?

Frank: No, I ended it.

Mark Denman: You ended it? Nice, a bit of a ruthless streak. Good, good.

Frank: Yes, it just wasn't working for me.

Mark Denman: I like that. It's not working for me - "fuck off love!" I know the feeling. I say that to at least five girls a month.

FRANK nods half-heartedly.

(MORE)

33. (CONT'D) Mark Denman: Back to my original question. You haven't slept with 30 women. I can live with that - you seem like a ruthless bastard with the ladies. How many women have you slept with?

Frank: I don't really feel comfortable answering this question.

Mark Denman: That's what marketing's all about. Taking you out of your comfort zone. Do you feel on edge?

Frank: Erm, yes.

Mark Denman: That's how I feel every fucking day. On edge. Not knowing what's going to happen from one day to the next. That's what marketing's all about. Are you ready for this shit?

Frank: Yes.

Mark Denman: Convince me. Are you ready for that shit? I want to see it in your eyes.

Frank: Yes, I'm ready. I'm fucking ready. I want this job.

Mark Denman: Still not convinced. I need to know you are one hundred per cent committed. (Withdraws a pen from his blazer) Eat this pen.

(MORE)

34. (CONT'D) Frank (looks at the pen): I don't want to eat the pen.

Mark Denman: Jesus, Frank grow some balls! It's the recession, do you want the job?

Frank: Yes.

Mark Denman: Then eat this pen.

FRANK picks up the pen and looks at it before going to eat it.

Mark Denman: Jesus Christ, you were going to eat the pen, weren't you?

Frank: Well I would have given it a go.

Mark Denman: You're fucking mental mate. Mental!

FRANK looks at MARK DENMAN blankly.

Mark Denman: You seem like a true lad Frank, Im taking a shine to you. I can see you doing a lot of dares when we're out on the lash. Do you drink?

Frank: Yes. (MORE)

35. (CONT'D)

Mark Denman: Drugs?

Frank: No.

Mark Denman: Not even a cheeky line of coke?

Frank: No.

Mark Denman: Ok, I can live with that. (Goes to his cupboard and gets out two shot glasses and a bottle of sambuca) See if you can keep up with me in a drinking contest.

Frank: Are you going to ask me proper questions after this?

Mark Denman (pouring two shots of sambuca): These are proper questions, Frank. This is your interview. (Pushes a shot of sambuca over to FRANK) Drink!

MARK downs his shot. FRANK looks at the shot before downing it in one and wincing.

Mark Denman: Geezer!

MARK pours two more shots. FRANK sighs.

36.

- SCENE 11 EXT. CRAWLEY TOWN CENTRE. ANTON IS WAITING FOR FRANK TO ARRIVE. HE IS DRESSED SMARTLY. FRANK EVENTUALLY ARRIVES.

Anton: All right gay, how did it go then? Did you call the interviewer's dad a paedophile this time?

Frank: It was awful - the guy just wanted to drink shots with me and talk about girls.

Anton:

How is that awful?

Frank: I was expecting questions about the job rather than a geezer test.

Anton: If it was a geezer test, you probably failed.

Frank: He beat me in a drinking test.

ANTON laughs.

Frank: I don't want to be a geezer. (MORE)

37. (CONT'D) I just want a job!

Anton: All right, calm down. I don't care about your job I just want some rent coming in.

Frank:

Of course, my mistake.

Anton: BUT, seeing as this could be the start of a new adventure, I think there's only one thing we can do -

Frank:

What?

Anton:

Let's get smashed!

Frank: But it's half 4 on a Monday afternoon?

Anton: If you want to stay alive, you'll be drinking by five.

ANTON walks away.

Frank:

What does that even mean?

ANTON just continues to walk away, so FRANK has no choice but to follow him.

38.

- SCENE 12 INT. A PUB (OR PUB GARDEN). ANTON SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH FRANK, PLACING A COUPLE OF PINTS DOWN, BEFORE LOOKING AROUND HIS SURROUNDINGS. HE IS UNIMPRESSED.

Anton: Not much pussybant around is there?

Frank: I don't know if you were ignoring me earlier, but I did point out that it's a Monday. Not everyone is up for getting drunk on a Monday.

Anton: Yeah, and those people are boring, Frank. ARGH! Right, OK, I guess it's up to me to get this party started, as per! When did you have your first wank?

Frank: I'm sorry, is this you getting the party started? Or did you just ask me a masturbation based question?

Anton: Frank.

Just answer the question

Frank: I don't know, how would you remember something like that?
(MORE)

39. (CONT'D)

Anton: Everyone remembers their first one. It's a ground-breaking moment in every child's life.

Frank:

Ok then, when was yours?

Anton: July 1992. summer. Now you.

It was a great

Frank: I don't know really probably around the time Jurassic Park came out?

Anton:

Jurassic Park?

Frank:

Yeah.

Anton:

Dinosaurs, Frank?

Really?

Frank: No, not like that, it was just huge in that year.

Anton: You freak. No wonder you've been single for so long. You used to have all those dinosaur books too, didn't you? Urgh, it makes me sick just thinking about it.

Frank:

No, look -

Anton: Frank, please. Let's just pick up the pace, I want to forget what I just heard. Plus some crumpet just wandered up to the bar.

40.

ANTON takes his drink and starts gulping it down, walking away to the bar. FRANK looks a bit shell-shocked.

- SCENE 13 INT. STILL IN THE PUB. ANTON RETURNS WITH TWO MORE PINTS AND SOME SHOTS. HE LOOKS ANGRY.

Frank:

Is all this necessary?

Anton: more.

Shut up.

We need to drink

Frank:

Why?

Anton: Because either those girls are crackhead lesbian whores or my game isn't quite up to scratch yet.

Frank: Are you actually planning on making this a proper night out then?

Anton: Might as well, you haven't got to get up for anything, and I only have to get up for work.

(MORE)

41. (CONT'D) Frank: I just can't be bothered though. Haven't you just reached the point in life where you just can't be bothered to get smashed anymore? The extent of the hangover the next day just isn't worth it. Let's just keep it simple and then get some food and go home.

ANTON stares at FRANK in disgust for a few seconds before placing three shots in front of him.

Anton: I've never heard you sound any gayer then you did just now. We're on it tonight, now let's have some fun!

ANTON downs his three shots.

Anton: Geezer. (To FRANK, pointing to the bar) It's your round.

- SCENE 14 INT. IN THE PUB STILL. FRANK RETURNS FROM THE BAR WITH TWO MORE DRINKS, AND ALSO TWO WOMEN BEHIND HIM. ANTON SUDDENLY SITS UPRIGHT WHEN HE SEES THE WOMEN.

Anton:

Girls.
(MORE)

42. (CONT'D)

Frank: Anton, these are two lovely ladies I met at the bar - Maria and Rhea.

Anton:

Is Rhea short for Maria?

Rhea: No, it's not short for anything. It's just Rhea.

Anton: Because then you would have been Maria and Maria.

There is an awkward silence between them all as no one laughs at the attempted joke.

Anton: Because you would be friends with the same name.

Frank: Ok, good stuff. seat ladies.

Take a

Anton:

Are you girls on Facebook?

Frank: (aside to ANTON) What the fuck are you doing? (To MARIA and RHEA) Sorry ladies, just get comfortable. Anton, Maria told me a great little story at the bar, see if you can work it out - what is the one thing that we all have that carries the most germs?

43.

ANTON thinks for a moment or two.

Anton:

Dirtiest?

Frank: Well, not necessarily, it just carries a lot of germs.

Anton:

And we all have one?

Frank: out.

Yep.

I couldn't work it

Anton:

I've got it!

Frank:

What is it then?

Anton:

Arsehole.

FRANK, MARIA and RHEA look at ANTON in disbelief, before they all start laughing at him.

Anton: What? Why are you all laughing? Am I right?

Maria: phone.

No you idiot, it's a mobile

Anton:

Bullshit! (MORE)

44. (CONT'D)

Maria: Sorry sweetheart, it's not bullshit. You're just wrong.

Anton: Well there's a first for everything I suppose.

- SCENE 15 INT. FRANK, ANTON, MARIA AND RHEA ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WITH DRINKS. EVERYONE IS MERRY. MARIA AND FRANK ARE LOOKING AT HIS PROVISIONAL DRIVERS LICENSE.

Maria: Oh my god, I can't believe you had a shaved head!

Frank: Yeah, had it for four years.

Maria: I always wondered what I would look like with a shaved head.

FRANK, MARIA and RHEA start laughing.

Anton: I'll do it.

Maria: Do what?

(MORE)

45. (CONT'D) Anton: Shave your head.

Maria: What?

Anton: Can I shave your head?

MARIA and RHEA look at each other in concern.

Frank: More drinks?

MARIA and RHEA nod.

Frank: Come on Anton let's get these ladies some drinks.

FRANK grabs ANTON and they walk to the bar.

Frank (to ANTON): What the fuck are you doing?

Anton: What?

Frank: You asked Maria if you could shave her head.

Anton: Yes?

46.

FRANK looks at Anton blankly.

Anton: Just trying to start a conversation.

Frank: Well think of something better next time other than head shaving.

Anton: I miss Nicola.

FRANK rolls his eyes.

Anton: I'm going to give her the promise ring now.

Frank: I thought you said you wanted to get some girls tonight. How did you go from that to wanting to give Nicola a promise ring?

Anton: I miss her. She's so lovely. I'm going to give her a call now.

Frank: No, don't.

Anton: Why not?

Frank: We need to get the drinks.

47.

ANTON (gets out his debit card and gives it to FRANK): Here you go. My pin is 2869. Go crazy (Anton gets out his phone and goes to walk outside).

Frank: Wait!

Anton: What?

Frank: I need help carrying the drinks.

Anton: Man up Frank!

ANTON walks out the pub with the phone to his ear.

Barman (to FRANK): Yes mate.

Frank: A bottle of champagne please.

- SCENE 16 INT. FRANK IS SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE BY HIMSELF. ANTON RETURNS FROM OUTSIDE THE PUB.

Anton: Fuck's sake Frank, where have the girls gone? (MORE)

48. (CONT'D)

Frank: They've just gone to the toilet.

Anton: Good! Glad you didn't bore them.

Frank: Nicola coming?

Anton: No, she's seeing JLS tonight in Brighton.

Frank: Looks like you're gonna have to give her your promise ring another time.

Anton: Yeah probably. Who bought the champagne?

Frank: Errrm, the girls.

Anton (looking at the bottle of champagne): Rich slags.

Frank: Yeah, you want some?

Anton: Champagne? Bit gay?

Frank: Didn't you have a Smirnoff Ice phase once?

49.

ANTON gives FRANK a scowling look and pours himself a glass of champagne.

Anton: These girls better come back with us Frank, I'm in the mood now.

Frank: For what? Shaving a girl's head?

Anton: Where are they?

Frank: In the toilet. Calm down.

Anton: They've gone, haven't they?

Frank: No.

Anton: I knew I should never have left them with you.

FRANK ignores the comment and sips on some champagne.

Anton (getting up from his seat): I'm going to find them.

Frank: Why?

Anton: They've been gone ages. (MORE)

50. (CONT'D)

Frank: So? Girls take a long time in the toilets.

Anton: I'm going to the toilets.

Frank: You're going to the female toilets to look for some girls. Don't you think that's a bit weird?

Anton: I don't care - I'm not going to let them slip through my hands.

Frank: You sound like a rapist.

Anton: And you sound like a pussy.

ANTON turns around but sees the girls walking towards him and FRANK at the table.

Anton (high-pitched voice): Ladies! Looking lovely.

Maria: Yeah whatever. (To FRANK) Do you want to take this party back to yours?

Anton: It's actually my flat. I own the property. Frank is my lodger he owns nothing.
(MORE)

51. (CONT'D)

Maria: Fine then. (To FRANK) Do you want to take the party back to his flat?

Anton: Yes.

Maria: I was asking Frank.

SHOT OF FRANK ABOUT TO ANSWER.

- SCENE 17 EXT. FRANK, ANTON, MARIA AND ANTON WALK UP TO THE FLAT. THEY ARE ALL HEAVILY DRUNK BY NOW, AND THEY STUMBLE INTO THE FLAT. FRANK AND MARIA HEAD STRAIGHT FOR FRANK'S BEDROOM.

Anton (to RHEA): I guess it's going to be me and you then.

Rhea: I guess so.

Anton: Just to warn you, I'm already committed to someone else, so we will probably only have sex once...maybe twice. Twice maximum.

Rhea: Whatever (walks into ANTON's bedroom).

Anton (to himself): Still got it.

52.

- SCENE 18 INT. THE MORNING AFTER. ANTON'S BEDROOM. RHEA IS ALREADY UP AND GETTING DRESSED. HE ROLLS OVER TO FACE HER.

Anton:

Hello.

Rhea: Yeah, hi. Listen, have you got any money for me?

Anton:

You what?

Rhea:

Have you got any money?

Anton: I have to pay for it? Aren't you supposed to say something about that before?

Rhea:

What are you talking about?

Anton: - are you a prostitute or not? I'm confused.

RHEA slaps ANTON.

Rhea: No you absolute dickhead, I need some taxi money!

Anton: Oooohh! Sorry, misunderstanding! (MORE)

53. (CONT'D) No, I don't have money, but there's a bus stop right outside the flat (rolls over). See ya.

Rhea:

Why?

Why him?

CUT TO FRANK'S ROOM. MARIA IS SIMILARLY UP AND DRESSED, AND READY TO LEAVE. FRANK SITS UP TO TALK TO HER. HE SEES THAT ANTON HAS PUT A TOY DINOSAUR ON HIS PILLOW DURING THE NIGHT. HE QUICKLY HIDES IT.

Frank:

Good morning.

Maria:

Morning hun.

Frank:

You off then?

Maria: Yeah, sorry, I've got things to do today. I had a great time though.

Frank:

Me too, I loved it.

Maria:

Yeah, I could tell!

FRANK and MARIA share a light laugh.

Frank:

Can I take your number? (MORE)

54. (CONT'D) I mean, if you want to meet up again or something?

Maria: Look Frank, this is what it is. It was great but it's nothing more than sex. I've got to go and meet my boyfriend now, so maybe I'll just see you around.

Frank:

Oh - right.

Maria:

See you, Frank.

Frank:

Bye.

MARIA joins RHEA in the hall. RHEA is furious and throwing random objects at ANTON as he lays in his bed. ANTON is laughing.

Rhea:

You're a ridiculous man!

MARIA drags RHEA out of the flat and silence descends on the flat. Suddenly, from in his bed, ANTON starts singing the theme tune to Superman.

- SCENE 19 INT. THE LIVING ROOM OF THE FLAT. IN A DAZE WATCHING JEREMY KYLE. ANTON AND FRANK ARE SAT

(MORE)

55. (CONT'D) Anton: You know what, this show is actually pretty good.

FRANK doesn't reply, but merely stares at the screen.

Anton: What's up with you? I thought you'd be bouncing off the walls after last night.

Frank: I just feel a bit bad - you know - because Maria had a boyfriend and all.

Anton:

Really?

Frank: Well, yeah. I played my part in someone cheating on someone else.

Anton: Jesus, Frank, get over yourself. Everyone's cheating on everyone else, it's just how things are done these days. All a long term relationship means now is the guarantee of sex in the long run. You played no part in it, if people want to cheat then it's there fault.

Frank: then?

Have you cheated before

Anton: Well, no - you have to have a girlfriend to cheat. I am technically seeing Nicola -

(MORE)

56. (CONT'D) Frank: No you're not, she's sleeping around, too.

Anton: No she's not, she's an angel -

Frank: You aren't together, though.

Anton: We kind of are. In a way. We will be when I give her the promise ring.

Frank: You're still doing that? Seriously?

Anton: Of course! We're meeting up in the week so I'm going to do it then.

Frank:

Anton, please -

FRANK's phone starts ringing.

Frank:

Hang on.

FRANK answers the phone.

Frank: Hello - yeah this is Frank oh great, that's excellent, thank you - he did? Oh, well, I guess that's good. (MORE)

57. (CONT'D) So next Monday - excellent, can't wait - bye bye.

Anton: Was that Maria? Oh no, wait, she's got a boyfriend.

Frank: I got the job! Monday.

I start on

Anton:

I know, I do have ears.

Frank: Apparently Mark Denman saw us in the pub drinking heavily and flirting with Maria and Rhea and he knew for sure that I was the right man for the job. Apparently I looked like a good geezer.

Anton: Well you aren't, you're a bell-end.

Frank: I can't believe it. finally got a job.

I've

Anton: You wanna go out for drinks to celebrate?

FRANK looks at ANTON in disbelief.

- Ends -

58.