The Authentic

Man:
A Guide to
Happiness and
Purpose

By:
John K. Smith
 Contents
The Authentic Man: A Guide to
Happiness and Purpose
Contents
Introduction
PART ONE How Did I Get Here?
Am I Man Enough?
The Ten Types of Men
The Weak Man
The Provider
The Aggressor
The Pleaser
The Fixer
The Manipulator
The Avoider
 The Comedian
The Knight
The Stoic
It's All an Illusion
The Book of "Shoulds"
The Road to Wholeness
Roadblocks to Wholeness
Finding Your Roadblocks
Emotional Wholeness
Questionnaire Instructions:
Emotional Wholeness
Questionnaire
PART TWO Who Am I?
Integrity
Who Are You?
Who Are You?
 I Am
When I Am Not in Integrity, I
Become
PART THREE Untangling the Mess
The Well
The Life Preserver
Filling Your Bucket
Self-Containment
PART FOUR Staying On Track
Wake-Up Alarms
Changing the Channel
Your Emotional Thermometer
Into the Storm
PART FIVE What Is My Purpose in
Life?
Finding Your Purpose
 Your Eulogy
Your Tombstone
Your Mission
PART SIX Where Am I Going?
Finding Your Destination
Who Is Steering Your Ship?
Pay It Forward (Write Your Own
Story)
My Movie
My Story
Pressing the Reset Button
PART SEVEN You Have Arrived!
You Are Home
The End
Afterword
 Introduction
"Happiness does not depend on
outward things, but on the way we see
them."
—Leo Tolstoy
The 2014 well-publicized deaths of
comedian and actor Robin Williams, by
suicide, and actor Philip Seymour
Hoffman, from a drug overdose, have
caused many of us to stop and think
about how these two men, both highly
successful and accomplished with
millions of adoring fans, critical
acclaim, and the love of family and
friends, could be so unhappy and
unfulfilled that they would intentionally
or accidentally take their own lives.
These men had all the things that society
promises us will bring us happiness, yet
both struggled with deep depression and
addictions. It seems clear that something
was missing for them, which money,
success, material possessions, and all
the accompanying fame and fortune
could not replace.
Why is it that depression, addiction,
violence, and emotional turmoil seem to
be on the rise? Why is it that people of
all classes, races, and cultures seem to
be lost and unhappy? I have found some
of the reasons and some of the answers
that will help men (and women) find a
way to achieve happiness and fulfillment
from within, rather than become
addicted to that which comes from
achieving, acquiring, accomplishing, and
using people and things.
In my own personal journey, I have
strived to live by the rules, thinking my
reward would be the sense of happiness
and fulfillment that would come along
the way. The things that were supposed
to make me happy did not, at least for
very long. I did not see myself as unique
and different in a good way, so I labeled
myself as "defective" and developed a
lifelong sense of shame and inadequacy.
It wasn't until my life took a turn for
the worse, that I awoke and began my
quest to find my true self. I had left a
trail of failed relationships and near-
financial ruin. I was depressed, and I
was frozen in fear and self-doubt. I was
doing what I had been taught to do as a
man, and it wasn't working. It was then
that I started to ask the right questions
and to go deep within myself to find the
answers that I had been seeking.
As a man, I have strived to be the
best I can be. I am a good man, yet I
have always struggled with confusion
about how it is that a man should be. I
realized that I had never learned how to
become a man from men, but instead
from women. As I thought about this, I
became aware that increasingly more
boys are being raised by women,
without any guidance from good men. It
is not that women are incapable of
raising male children. They are capable
of raising good people, but how does a
boy learn how to be a good man?
I have seen many types of men in my
lifetime. They seem to fall into about ten
categories that I will outline in this
book. Each type of man is lacking
something that makes him whole and
complete. Each man is striving to be
better, yet he has no real clue about how
to do this. He just continues to be the
way that he is and goes through the
motions, hoping for the best. That is the
path that I was on for most of my life. In
a "more is better" society, I just kept
thinking that I needed to be more, have
more, do more, and then I would be
"enough." Then I would be happy. This
might be what happened to Williams and
Hoffman. They seemed to lack something
within that they could not fulfill from
outside of themselves. In essence they
were emotional halves.
Yes, both depression and addiction
have some biological basis; however,
they both tend to have deep roots in
shame. Shame is the feeling and belief
that one is defective, bad, or otherwise
inadequate in some way. I know,
because I have suffered from shame
since I was a child, and it led me to
depression and the brink of despair. If
shame is the common thread in addiction
and depression, then it has risen to
epidemic proportions. We see it every
day and no one is immune, not even the
rich and famous.
Shame is learned, and it becomes a
way of looking at things, a lens, if you
will, that distorts how we think, feel,
and behave. Shame can be so ingrained
in us, that we might not even know we
have it. We long ago convinced
ourselves that we are inadequate in
some way and believe this as the
"gospel" truth. The problem is that
shame is a distortion, an illusion that
creates the cauldron from which
depression, addiction, hopelessness, and
fear are born. For some reason, the last
few generations of men seem to have
been even more infected by this
"disease" than previous generations. It
has caused a surge in divorce, single
parenting, domestic violence, addiction,
and a general absence of strong
husbands and fathers.
Where have all the good men gone?
Why are men falling behind and
becoming obsolete? Why are women
filling the gap and taking over the roles
formerly occupied by men? It seems
clear that men have no idea how to be
men, or at least good men. I know they
are out there; I am one of them, but it has
taken me a lifetime to figure it out. I now
know that the old paradigm for men is
obsolete and has been an illusion. With
that said, we are seeing more men falling
into despair and becoming miserable
and unhappy. They lack guidance about
how to be happy and fulfilled, realizing
that the old ways have failed them.
I recently watched an episode of
Oprah's Lifeclass titled "Fatherless
Sons." Her guest was Iyanla Vanzant.
The audience was comprised of mostly
middle-aged men who presumably were
raised without a father present in their
life or with a father who was
emotionally absent and uninvolved. Here
were two powerful women helping men
heal their childhood father wounds. The
men portrayed on the show were deeply
affected by the absence of a male figure
in their lives, and they had many
obstacles affecting their happiness and
well-being.
Here was another example of
women helping men to become men. I
applaud their noble efforts, but I couldn't
help wonder, where are the good and
powerful men who are needed to help
other men? Maybe, just maybe, I have
found a way to help guide men to their
true and authentic selves, where
happiness and fulfillment resides.
 Imagine, for a moment, that you are
living as your true and most authentic
self.
Imagine that from this place all
things are possible.
Imagine that you are living in a
state of happiness, peace, and
fulfillment, and that you have become an
observer of all that life has to offer.
Imagine that you have found your
purpose in life and that you are living
each day inspired and excited to bring
about a difference in the lives of people
who you love, maybe even the world.
Imagine that you have created a
roadmap for your life and that you have
a profound sense of where you are going
and how you are going to get there.
Imagine that you have broken free
from the bonds of your past experiences
and that each "lesson" has been the fire
that has forged the steel of who you are
today.
Imagine that all fear, shame, doubt,
and guilt has been erased and that the
light of your being has remained intact
and still lives within you in all of its
glory.
What you have just imagined can
become a reality. I know that it can,
because I have done it. This book will
give you the tools you need to transform
yourself into the person who you just
imagined. In order to do this, you will
not need to travel to some faraway
mountaintop and meditate for endless
hours. You will not need expensive
equipment or materials. It will not
require years of intensive psychotherapy
to make this happen.
 All that is required is to complete
the exercises in this book and put them
into practice. Some of them will require
an initial investment of your time. I can
assure you that you will receive an
ample return on your investment. Other
exercises will work best when you put
them into your daily practice or routine.
Once you have integrated them into your
life, they will become automatic and
will not require an excessive amount of
your time. Like anything new, it might
feel awkward and uncomfortable at first,
but I can reassure you that you will be
moving forward with grace and ease, as
you incorporate these tools into your
day-to-day life.
Happiness has always been elusive
to me. I have spent most of my life
seeking the answers to life's questions,
looking for some way to find that which
has eluded me. At some point in our
lives, we all ask the same questions.
"Who am I?"
"What is my purpose in life?"
"Where am I going with my life?"
"How do I get there?"
 "What do I really want?"
Many of us ask these questions late
in life, when it might be too late to live
the way we want to. Many of us live our
lives according to the rules of our
culture, society, parenting, education,
and religion. These rules are not
necessarily bad; in fact, most of them are
well-intentioned. The problem with the
rules is that they are designed to make us
all the same. I have an image of a factory
assembly line, and each of us is riding
down the line being molded and shaped
into the finished product. Those of us
who are different and unique are
discarded and labeled as defective or
are forced to become something we are
not. We must conform to and comply
with the rules or be sanctioned and
rejected for being different.
If you are a man reading this book,
then I am ecstatic. In these pages I offer
you a pathway to becoming the man you
want to be. You will do this by finding
your authentic or true self and your
purpose in life. You will do this by
learning about integrity and how you are
nothing without it. You will learn how to
reclaim your power and take charge of
the direction that you wish to take to get
what you want in life. When you have
these things in place, then you will find
happiness and you will feel fulfilled
from within.
If you are a woman reading this
book, the principles and exercises will
also work for you. Whether you are a
spouse, a partner, or a mother, it will
benefit you to understand the men in your
life and how they show up in your
world. If you have a man, or men, in
your life who would benefit from what I
am saying, then place this book in their
hands and tell them to read it. I can
assure you that when your man becomes
his authentic self and lives a life of
integrity, he will become the man that
you have seen and have always hoped
that he would become.
Remember, though, it is his process,
not yours, and while you can support him
on his journey, you cannot do it for him.
Change is often difficult and resistance
is a byproduct of change. It is likely that
your man will resist, because he has
been "brainwashed" into thinking that he
is supposed to do things the way that he
was taught to do them. He might model
himself after other men he knows, or he
might just be trying to figure it out as he
goes along.
Rather than tell him that he has been
doing things wrong, it might be a better
strategy to reinforce his authenticity and
to reflect the qualities and traits that you
admire and that attracted him to you in
the first place. He might have gotten so
caught up in old programming, that he
has forgotten who he really is. I know
that I did. How did I go about finding my
authentic self and achieving the lasting
state of happiness that had been so
elusive?
The first thing I did was to question
the rules and challenge the programming
that had been affecting everything I
thought and did. When I began to do this,
I realized that many of these so-called
rules were useless and did not make any
sense. I always had been doing what I
"should" be doing, and I was coming up
empty handed as a result. I was
following the rules, and I still wasn't
feeling happy and fulfilled. I used the
"more is better" approach to life,
thinking that I wasn't doing "enough."
When doing more and having more still
did not leave me feeling any better, I
began to think that I wasn't enough.
In the early days of computer
programming technology, there was
phrase—"garbage in, garbage out"—that
was used to describe the fact that while
computers could process large amounts
of information quickly and efficiently,
the accuracy of the results depended on
the accuracy of the data that was input. I
had never challenged the data that had
been input into my programming
throughout my formative years. I took it
at face value and believed it to be the
"gospel" truth. I never stopped to think
that if the input was flawed, then
everything that I had been thinking,
feeling, and doing was also flawed.
What I found was that there were many
"bugs" in my programming, and that this
was one of the reasons I was having the
problems that I was having. I had to
begin the process of reprogramming my
mind and updating the software, so I
could get an accurate view of who I was
and see things more clearly without the
distortions that had been clouding my
view.
The second thing I did was to find
out that I am my true and authentic self. I
realized that the person who I thought I
was, wasn't really who "I" was at all. I
discovered that the person who I am in
reality is much greater than the sum of
what I perceived were my inadequacies.
Rather than not being enough, I am more
than I could ever imagine. My
inadequacies and negative emotions
were the result of not being in integrity
with my true self. I had been going
about it all wrong. I thought that when I
"fixed" what I perceived was "broken,"
then I would be enough. I hadn't realized
that I was already enough. I believe
there are many of us who believe as I
did.
After finding that my true self was
more than enough, I went about the
process of developing a series of
practical exercises and steps to ensure
that I remained in integrity with my true
self, because I understood that when I
was not in integrity, I quickly defaulted
to my "false" self, and the old negative
beliefs and emotions quickly returned. It
was eye opening to realize that the
happiness and fulfillment that I had been
seeking outside myself in relationships,
achievements, and acquisitions were
already inside all along. I just had to
remove the "clouds" that had been
distorting my perceptions and
reinforcing my false beliefs. I
discovered that what I had labeled as
"defective" wasn't that at all. I was
"different" because I was given unique
gifts and talents to take into the world
with purpose.
I then started to think about my
purpose in life, and I created exercises
aimed at helping me to arrive at answers
to this question: "How was I going to
determine my unique purpose and live in
integrity with both my 'true' self and with
my 'purpose'?" The irony might be that
the answer to my purpose-in-life
question came from the struggles that I
have gone through to overcome the
roadblocks to my own happiness.
Everything that I have experienced and
the processes that I went through to heal
myself became the thing that has become
my purpose. I had to go through the
things that I did to find the answers, so
that I can help others do the same.
I have now begun to create a
"roadmap" for my life, revolving around
my purpose. This book has been written
to help others find their true selves and
their unique purposes in life. By doing
so, men (or women) have the opportunity
to make a lasting change in their lives
and the lives of everyone around them. I
have found that happiness and fulfillment
comes from being in integrity with who
we are and what we are about. I have
tried to make this process as simple and
practical as possible. It doesn't have to
be complicated or hard. I cannot say that
it will be easy, because it is a daily
challenge for me to stay present and in
integrity. I can say that by using the tools
and exercises in this book, you will be
able to find what I have found—a lasting
sense of peace, fulfillment, and
happiness.
With all that said, let's begin the
process of change and transformation. I
have made this as easy a process as I
can. If you want what I wanted, then you
will do whatever it takes to find it. It's
already there within you, and it always
has been. It just took me a lifetime to
figure it out. By writing this book and
offering it to the world, it is my hope that
I can help you get what I got. I want to
help you get your sense of peace,
fulfillment, and happiness.

"If you obey all the rules you miss all

the fun."
—Katharine Hepburn
 PART ONE
How Did I Get
Here?
 Am I Man Enough?
"To seek on the outside for that which
you do not feel you are is to seek in
vain, for we never find that which we
want, we only find that which we are."
—Neville Goddard
I'm not "enough." At least that's
what I used to believe. This belief was
the engine that drove my thinking,
feeling, and behavior through most of my
life. No matter what I achieved or
acquired, I still kept thinking that
somehow I had fallen short, because I
always wanted more. It was a nagging
feeling of inadequacy that seemed to
permeate my total existence. I had to get
to the next level or get the next thing,
thinking that when I did, that I would be
"enough" and would feel happy.
Throughout my life, there was something
deep inside that seemed to know
differently and seemed to doubt this
belief. It was a force that kept pushing
me forward toward something bigger
and better, toward a better "self." I had
yet to discover what that force was.
 Every time I would accomplish
some big goal that I had set for myself,
there was a momentary sense of
satisfaction and happiness, which was
quickly followed by a feeling of
inadequacy and what I could only
describe as a "hole in my soul." It was
like the "hole" had been filled
temporarily by whatever I had just
achieved or acquired, and almost as
quickly the "hole" swallowed up
whatever had filled it and reappeared.
When that would happen, as it always
seemed to do, that old voice in my head,
accompanied by the omnipresent "pain,"
would say, "See, I told you so. You are a
fraud. You just aren't enough, and you
never will be." I felt like I was
pretending to be someone on the outside
who I was not on the inside. It was as if
I was wearing a mask that showed one
thing to the world, but that hid my
deepest secrets in the darkness behind
the mask. I believed that I was the
person behind the mask, not the
individual on the outside.
There were moments when my
awareness would transcend the mask
and rise above the darkness. In these
moments, I would seem to leave my
"inner" world behind and get into a
"zone," similar to what athletes
experience when they are having an
amazing performance. In these moments,
usually when I was facilitating a client
or group while doing my
transformational work, I felt like I was a
vessel being used by a force greater than
me. At the time, I did not have
awareness of what this "force" was. I
only knew that I could do amazing things
and create what could only be described
as "miracles" for the people whom I was
helping. As athletes say, "I was on fire."
People would thank me and praise
me for what they had experienced. It felt
good to see the effect that I was having
on others, but I would often discount
their blessings and quickly return to
what I believed was the "real" world. I
would be diminished by that voice that
said, "You are a fraud." I thought that
was just the voice of humility, as I have
always strived to be humble. What I
didn't realize at the time was that I was
confusing shame with humility. So there I
went, back to that dark world behind the
mask.
It seems so clear now that I have
"awakened" to this new level of
consciousness, but it is like I have been
living in a coma for most of my life. I
had been participating in life. I was a
good person and a productive citizen. I
was doing everything that I was
supposed to be doing, yet I couldn't
shake this nagging sense that I wasn't
doing enough. If I was doing "it" right
and that still wasn't enough, then I could
only conclude that "I" wasn't enough. I
wished that I could spend more time in
the "zone," because, in those moments, I
felt a sense of happiness, peace, and
fulfillment. My mind was calmer and
less busy. In those moments, I was
totally present. My usual state of mind
was consumed with feelings of
anxiousness, thoughts of what needed to
be done, and worries of what was to
come.
I lived most of my life behind the
mask. Not knowingly, but certainly in a
state of mind that fueled my sense of not
being enough. How was I going to move
beyond the place behind the mask and
live more in the "zone"?
The answers didn't come overnight,
in fact, I am still learning more and more
each day. I am just learning how to ask
the right questions. The good news is
that I have discovered the difference
between the "TRUE ME" that "I AM"
and the "false me" that I become when I
am out of integrity with my "TRUE" self
(note that hereafter the words in upper
case refer to my "TRUE" self, and the
words in lower case refer to my "false"
self). The person who I thought I was
behind the mask was really just an
accumulation of fears, doubts, and
distorted beliefs that had become the
"operating system" of my mind and the
lens by which I interpreted all my
experiences.
Having reached a level of
awareness, that there were two primary
states of mind that I could be in at any
given moment—the "ME" true self or the
"me" false self—I also realized that I
couldn't be in both at the same time.
When I was in one state of mind, the
awareness of the other state of mind just
seemed to disappear. Both states of mind
exist simultaneously and either one can
dominate our psyche. One, our "false"
self, operates in the shadows of our
minds, behind the mask. It is always
ready to take over and gets power when
we are unconscious. The other, our
"true" self, operates in the light like the
sun. It is always ready to burst through
the clouds. Darkness cannot exist in the
presence of light.
The "me" that is my "false" self is
fear-based. It uses the weapons of shame
and doubt to do its bidding. The "ME,"
or "true" self, is based in love and uses
compassion and wisdom as its primary
tools. I have heard it said that we can
either come from fear or love. Now I
have a better understanding of what that
means.
Both states are quite powerful in
their own right. Fear comes from the
"head" and operates in the "darkness."
Love comes from our "hearts" and
operates in the "light." Like night and
day, they both exist and cycle in and out
from moment to moment. From fear, we
take on a defensive position. We hold
back, avoid, procrastinate, and second-
guess ourselves. From love, all things
are possible. We create, inspire, and
move forward. For me, it became clear.
Love is definitely the state of mind that I
want to be in.
Now that I was aware of these two
states of mind, love and fear, I knew that
the battle for me would be to stay in the
light and to be my "true" self. This
would require vigilance. I really started
to understand the importance of staying
conscious and present, mindful of which
state of mind was "steering the boat." I
had read a lot about "consciousness" and
"mindfulness" and never really "got it"
until that moment.
Consciousness can only be achieved
in the present moment. Spiritual teacher
Eckhart Tolle writes in The Power of
Now, about living in the present moment.
I realized that when I got lost in my
"head" or consumed by my emotions,
that I wasn't being "present." In a sense I
became my thoughts and feelings.
Usually these thoughts and feelings were
based in things from my past or in
worries and doubts about my future.
How could I be present when my mind
was time traveling into history or off
into space?
The only time I felt grounded and
centered was when I was living fully in
the present moment. During these
moments, things seemed to stand still,
and I was totally connected to whatever
I was experiencing at that moment. There
was a sense of peace and clarity that I
could not experience at other times. It
was the "zone" that I spoke of earlier. In
order to be in the "zone," I had to stay
present and mindful. I had to remain
conscious and aware. When I was tired
and when I was "offline," absorbed in
my thoughts, or when I was reacting
emotionally to a situation, I wasn't being
conscious and that is when I would
become my "false" self.
It would happen automatically
without me even realizing it. It was like
a "default" setting on a computer.
Without me even doing anything, I would
lapse into old ways of thinking, feeling,
and behaving. The only way that I could
adjust my state of mind was to become
"online," conscious, and present. Then I
could become separate from my thoughts
and feelings and make the necessary
adjustments.
It occurred to me that I was going to
have to take some drastic measures to
train myself to remain "online" and
conscious as often as I could. I had this
vision of the guy who sits at the power
plant, monitoring the gauges, to make
sure that they do not go into the "red"
and cause a meltdown. Who was
monitoring my "gauges"?
I committed to training myself to be
more vigilant in monitoring my "gauges"
and set out a routine that would allow
me to accomplish this goal. I developed
a series of "exercises" that were
designed to help me be more conscious,
aware, and present. They had to be
simple, practical, and useful. If not, I
knew that I wouldn't use them.
The exercises and processes that I
have outlined in this book are the ones
that I developed and use. They work for
me, and they will work for you. If you
are committed to finding the happiness,
peace, and sense of fulfillment that
comes with being in integrity with your
mind, body, and spirit, then you will find
this book useful.
The key that unlocks the doorway to
your "true" self is to operate in the
present moment. The present is all that
truly exists. We can only operate in the
present, but our minds can time travel to
the past or future without us realizing
that they are even doing so. We have to
remain watchful and vigilant of our state
of mind, so that we can make the
necessary adjustments that get us back
into integrity with our "true" selves. This
will require some effort at first, like
anything that is new, but it will get easier
with practice. I have gotten to the point
where it has become almost automatic. I
have to keep reminding myself to not go
"back to sleep." Like most things, it is
easy to fall back into old habits and
routines. I still do, and I always will, but
now I have the tools to make the
necessary adjustments and get myself
back on track.
There are some of us who are so
"stuck" in our old ways of thinking,
feeling, and responding that we will
need facilitation to get into integrity.
There is no shame in this. I have and
will continue to seek assistance
whenever I find myself getting "stuck." If
you have ever gotten a vehicle stuck in
the mud or the snow, then you know that
there are times when spinning your
wheels only gets you more stuck and
deeper in the rut. In those instances,
more is definitely not better. We just
have to accept our situation and call for
help.
Finding the right help is an
important as asking for help in the first
place. I have always resisted asking for
help. I have often felt too embarrassed
and ashamed to do so. My "false" self
tells me that I "should" know how to
help myself. It tells me that I am
"smarter" and "better" than anyone who
could help me, therefore no one can. I
usually have waited until I am feeling
desperate before asking for help. So
don't feel bad if you are like me. Read
this book and see if you can use the tools
outlined to get you where you want to
be. Just realize that these are only tools.
You cannot build a house with only a
screwdriver and a hammer. These are
certainly useful tools, and they might be
all that you need to get the project
started, but you might require other tools
to finish the job.
I spend most of my time facilitating
groups and individuals, helping people
to get back into integrity with their "true"
selves. I enjoy helping them to get out
from behind the mask, where their
"false" self resides, and into the light of
their "true" self. I provide them with a
set of tools and then teach them how to
use them to their best advantage. This is
what I do, because this is who "I AM." I
know that I do what I do with passion
and integrity. There are many paths,
many teachers, and many who offer
"healing" at all levels. I am honored to
be among this group of people.
The story of how I came to develop
these exercises and write this book
might be useful to some of you who are
reading it right now. Some stories are
best told from the beginning, but I think it
might be more interesting to tell from the
present moment backward.
 Right now, as I am writing this
chapter, I am clear and focused. My
heart is full, and I am at peace and
happy. I am doing what I love, and my
mind, for the most part, is quiet.
Thoughts of daily chores and tasks are
not permeating my mind. I am in "the
zone" as I write. I do not feel a sense of
inadequacy or doubt. I feel confident and
strong. If I find myself losing focus, or if
old thinking or "programming" begins to
run through my head, I can now make the
necessary adjustments to get myself back
on track. It hasn't always been that way.
 My journey began a long time ago,
but it wasn't until this past year or so that
I truly "woke up." Until then I lived my
life like most men do. I did all the things
that I thought I was supposed to do. I
was a "good" boy and always did well
in school. I went to college and then got
my first "real" job. I soon got married
and began having children. I switched
jobs, always advancing and always
making more money. I was doing
everything that I was "supposed" to do.
Following the career and the money
soon began to be unfulfilling. I believed
that I was in the wrong field. I had begun
a career in the mental health field, but
switched to business because there was
more money. I was always led to believe
that the amount of money you made was
a reflection of the kind of man that you
are. My ability to provide and my
"success" was a yardstick for how much
of a man I really was.
Yet I wasn't happy, and so I went
back to the mental health field, because
it was always more fulfilling to me. I
went back to graduate school, and I was
much happier and more satisfied, but I
got into the same pattern of advancing
and making more money. At least I was
in a field that I loved, but I never was
satisfied.
In the midst of all of this, I was
growing dissatisfied in my marriage. Of
course, I was gone all of the time, either
working or going to school. I kept
thinking that when all was said and
done, then I would be happy. One thing
led to another, and I found myself
attracted to someone else. This happens
a lot to men, when they have become
disconnected from their relationships
and from themselves. I am not proud of
this, but I divorced my wife and got
involved with another woman.
Everything seemed right. I was
happy with my new relationship and my
career seemed to be going quite well. I
didn't regret the divorce and, for once in
my life, I thought I had done what "I"
wanted to do. I broke the "rules." This
was the first real "awakening" point. I
remember that I was terrified of making
a mistake, because I had done the
"unthinkable" by leaving my wife. I
didn't know how to live my life without
the "rules."
I recall waking up one morning in
my apartment, realizing that I was alone.
I had no real friends of my own and
wasn't connected to anyone. I had no one
whom I could call for support. There
were no men in my life to go to in my
time of need. I had never felt
comfortable around men and now I was
paying the price. Like many men, I had
always thought that I had to do it alone
and had never developed intimate
connections with any men in my life. I
guess I always felt threatened by men
and saw them as competition. In
retrospect, I was only projecting my
feelings of inadequacy onto others. I
never felt like I measured up to other
men. It was like I was a little boy trying
to survive in a man's world. From this
immature place, I felt small and afraid. I
didn't know how to be a man among
men, so I sought comfort from women.
It was during this time that I began
to do some real work on myself. I went
to therapy and I got involved with a
men's organization that did some
amazing transformational and growth
work. I can honestly say that doing this
changed my life! I came to a new level
of awareness and worked through many
issues, some that I didn't even know I
had. Even with this new level of
awareness, there was much more work
that I would have to do. I had found
connections with men through this work,
but secretly I still felt afraid of men. In
my attempts to protect myself, I never
really let other men get close. I remained
superficially and artificially connected,
but I never really embraced those
relationships. I didn't trust men, and so I
kept them at a distance.
I still do, and I know that my next
big step will be to create these
connections authentically from the place
of my "true" self. I am a man among men,
and I do belong in the world of men. I
am not a boy, as I had perceived myself
to be behind my mask. I believe that
there are many men out there like me,
and they come in several types that I will
describe in another chapter. The
common theme is that they all are
lacking "wholeness" and have been
taught that happiness comes from
something outside themselves. They
have difficulty relating and have become
misguided and disconnected. The story
continues though.
During the next few years, I moved
ahead in my career and ultimately was
offered a position in California at a
substantial salary (for me). Everything
seemed to be going exactly as the "book"
said it would. I could say that I felt
happy but, in retrospect, I just wasn't
conscious. I didn't know any better. I
was "doing" everything that I believed I
was supposed to be doing. I was still
under the "spell" of my "programming,"
and I did not feel happy or fulfilled. I
was supposed to feel happy, because I
was successful and because I was
making more money than I had ever
made in my life. I had a beautiful home
and my family was being taken care of,
but it still wasn't enough. As you will
see later, I was heading on a course for
disaster, and I didn't know it. I was
heading for a cliff and didn't even see it
coming.
I'm going to fast forward to the
present for a minute. As I look back on
my life now, I realize how I was just
going through the motions, and that I had
little awareness of myself and who I
really am. Going through the motions
meant that I was doing all the things that
society had expected me to do as a man,
but I was doing them unconsciously,
without awareness. I had no idea that
there was any need to question or doubt
the "book." I was actually fairly
successful at doing what was expected
of me. As with many things, I can look
back now and say, "If I only knew then,
what I know now," things would have
been extremely different.

"We are what we pretend to be, so we

must be careful about what we pretend
to be."
—Kurt Vonnegut
"Be yourself; everyone else is already
taken."
—Oscar Wilde
The Ten Types of Men
"Every time you are tempted to react in
the same old way, ask if you want to be
a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of
the future."
—Deepak Chopra
In general, men have not been taught
how to be men. Increasingly, men are
being raised by women and have absent
fathers or no men in their lives to teach
them how to be. Our fathers and our
father's fathers probably had little to no
idea how to be men themselves, or their
version of what it is to be a man in this
world has changed dramatically in the
past few generations. Men often have to
muddle through and guess at what their
role is. They might model themselves
after other men they know, although this
is only a good idea if the man who they
are modeling themselves after has a
good grasp of manhood himself.
There are a lot of men who are
proving that they haven't got a clue.
Witness the rampant cases of domestic
violence, substance abuse, and wanton
sexual behaviors of athletes and
celebrities. Read about the violence and
criminal behaviors perpetuated by street
gangs. Watch the businessmen and Wall
Street wonders use their greed to line
their coffers by using unethical and often
illegal means, at the expense of the
average guy. What about the "men" who
make babies with women and then
disappear from sight when the child is
born, never taking any responsibility to
support or assist in the raising of that
child? Are these examples of "real"
men?
 Not all men are "bad" men. I
believe that most men are "good" men
who are doing the best they can without
an "owner's manual" about how to do it.
They follow the paradigm set by their
parents and society, believing that by
taking this path they will be happy and
successful. For some this is true, but for
most men, it is a deception that takes
them about as far away from their "true"
and authentic selves as they can be. You
see, it is not just about what they do, it is
also about who they are. The problem is
that most men do not have an idea of
who they truly are as a person. They
define themselves by the work they do,
the roles they play, the money they make,
the possessions they have, by the people
they know, and by almost anything that
tells us little about their substance, their
passion, their spirit, and their purpose
for being on this planet.
In my personal and professional
experience, I have identified ten types of
men who lack emotional wholeness and
who behave in ways that cause them
perpetual unhappiness. They frustrate
and sometimes enrage their partners.
They make themselves easy "marks" for
people who wish to use them and take
advantage of them. They can become
over-controlling or even abusive. They
appear weak and indecisive. They lack
emotional awareness and have difficulty
expressing their feelings and their needs.
They get their self-esteem from doing
things for others, even if it is
unnecessary or unwanted. They develop
a certain way of relating and behaving
that affects their relationships with
others.
The common theme for all these
men is that they seek happiness and
fulfillment from people and things
outside themselves. They believe that if
they make everyone else "happy," then
they will be happy. They believe that
this is their duty. They have been
programmed from childhood and by
society to be this way. They will most
likely continue in these patterns until
they have an "awakening" experience. It
could be a divorce. They could lose a
job. They could become angry,
depressed, and so miserable that they
become desperate for change, much like
"addicts" whose lives become so
unmanageable that they hit "bottom" and
are ready to change.
The bottom line is that these men
have never learned how to be
themselves. They have no awareness of
who they really are as a person. They
have no awareness of their "true" and
authentic selves. How can they become
the "ideal" husband, partner, or father if
they have no relationship with
themselves?
The good news is that the man who
you want to be (or the man who you
want him to be) is right there within you.
This book is the beginning of your
transformation into being "that" man. It is
possible, because I have done it, and I
have also helped countless men do it.
Are you man enough to do whatever it
takes to become the person that you (and
those in your life) want to be?
Read the descriptions of the ten
"types" of men that I have outlined in this
chapter. Do you see yourself? Are you
one of these men? It wouldn't hurt to ask
someone you trust to read these
descriptions and give you honest
feedback about whether they see you as
one of these men. Either way, it takes
courage to really look at yourself and be
willing to accept the answers. That is
exactly what I had to do, so I know that
it can be done. If I can do it, so can you.
 The Weak Man
The "weak" man has given up his
power to everyone in his world. He was
systematically programmed from
childhood to do what he was told and
might have seen negative reactions from
his failure to do so. He lives a life of
compliance, always in fear of making
someone upset or getting in "trouble."
He probably had a strong, overbearing
mother who might have been in control
of the family. He might have had an
equally weak or absent father. It is also
possible that he had a highly dominant
and critical father; however, this type
usually had a mother who was this way.
She might have ruled with fear and
intimidation and proved to be the ruling
force in the family. She might have been
seductive, yet demanding, or
emasculating and shamefully critical.
He lives in constant fear of
criticism and avoids any behavior that
might draw attention to him. He plays it
"small" and tries to stay below the radar.
He lacks drive or ambition and always
tries to stay between the lines. He feels
inadequate and less than. He is
indecisive and can rarely make a major
decision by himself. He constantly looks
outside himself for reassurance and
validation and will compensate and
adjust quickly to comply with others. He
has no sense of purpose and lives life at
the behest of others. He is unhappy and
prone to depression. He probably has
trouble with emotional intimacy and has
few close friends.
For him, happiness is avoiding
conflict and criticism. It is more about
survival than it is about living life to the
fullest. This type of man is likely to
marry a woman—similar to his mother
or father—who is dominant and
controlling, one who makes the
decisions and calls all the shots. He will
do anything that she says and, at first, she
probably enjoys having all of the power
and control. In time she desires an equal
and begins to resent him for the exact
reasons that she was attracted to him in
the first place. If she leaves him, which
she likely will, he will be devastated
and wonder what he did wrong. If he
gets into another relationship, it will
likely be with a woman who was just
like his mother and his wife. This pattern
is likely to repeat itself until he "wakes
up."
This type of man is totally unaware
that there is a problem, yet he goes
through the motions of life feeling
shameful and unhappy. He has little
awareness of his emotions, and he is
primarily motivated by fear. He has no
idea about what he wants for himself and
lives to meet the demands of others. We
might say that he is a "shell" with little
substance. He requires a major shift in
his awareness and sense of self. He has
no sense of who he really is as a man
and as a person. He probably never has.
He lacks integrity with his "TRUE" self
and has had his "SPIRIT" crushed from
the time he was a child.
The risks for him to become
"whole" and to regain integrity are high.
He has built his life around giving his
power away to others, especially the
women in his life. He lacks the "spine"
and assertiveness to stand up for
himself, and he would likely experience
strong negative reactions from others,
unless they love him enough to
relinquish their power and control as he
regains his own. The benefit for him, and
all his relationships, is that he can
become the man that he is capable of
becoming.
If you are a woman reading this, and
you have a "weak" man in your life, then
please realize that he can become the
man you have always dreamed he would
be. The task for you is to be willing to
relinquish control and exchange shame
and criticism with words of support and
encouragement.
The "weak" man might have little to
no awareness that there is a problem
until his life comes crashing around him.
He is doing what he has always done,
and as long as he is being validated by
others in his life and avoiding criticism,
then he will continue to go through the
motions and maintain the status quo.
When he does crash, as this type often
does, then he will become isolated,
withdrawn, and depressed. He will
blame himself and will feel a deeper
sense of shame and self-doubt.
He needs to be around men who
will hold him accountable and who
model authentic masculine (not "macho")
energy. He will probably fear them and
have a hard time trusting them. He might
need to start with one man who he can
trust and move on from there. There is a
man somewhere in his life who can be
the "one," but he might have a hard time
approaching him. It would be advisable
for him to join a "men's" group or a
group of men who can speak truthfully
and honestly to support one another.
 The Provider
This man was raised to believe that
the measure of a "man" was to provide
for his family and himself. He sees his
total purpose in life to work to bring
home money to support his family. He
might not see himself as having any other
function or purpose, and, as such, he
might not participate in anything else. He
might not contribute as a husband or
partner. Either he is too tired from
working or he cannot be emotionally
connected and present. Emotional
expression is not one of his strong suits.
He is so busy "providing" that he does
not have the ability and sometimes the
energy to connect.
This leaves his spouse or partner
carrying the "load" in the home and
feeling mostly alone. She might become
resentful at his long work hours or his
lack of participation in the relationship.
He might not be present with or
participate in parenting of the children,
except to be the disciplinarian. The old
adage "wait 'til your father gets home"
usually applies, but when he gets home,
he checks out and expects everything
else to be taken care of. He might
vegetate in front of the television or
tinker in the garage, but he will rarely
connect on an emotional level with
anyone.
He probably had a parent or parents
who modeled this behavior and who
deeply instilled this "provider" complex
in his psyche. He might have vowed at a
young age to provide a better life for
himself and his family than he had as a
child. He might have found relief and a
sense of self or identity in his work and
career. He might have come to believe
that money and success were guideposts
of true "manhood" and that the size of his
paycheck was a yardstick to his
masculinity. He might have been taught
to believe that "happiness" will come
when he achieves or acquires certain
things in life.
The "American Dream" is built on
this concept. "Work hard, make money,
buy a house, buy a car, have a family,
and keep acquiring more," is the mantra
that is repeated each day in his mind and
reinforced by television and radio
commercials. But wait, even if he does
all this and gets everything he desires,
that will not be enough. He needs a
bigger house and a better car. He needs
more and more and more. For him,
money and things become like a drug,
and he needs more to feel the desired
effects.
A man like this usually does not live
very long. He develops a host of
medical and physical problems related
to stress and overwork. He tends to burn
out by his early fifties and might not live
to see seventy. He is prone to depression
and usually become so emotionally
constipated that he has no clue how to
connect with loved ones in a meaningful
way. He has no real awareness of who
he is as a man or as a person. He might
not "wake up" in time to make the
necessary changes, or he will wait until
it is too late to make a difference. Like
many, he lives to work and works to
live, secretly fantasizing about when he
"retires." The irony is that when he does
retire, if he makes it that far, he will
usually die or become disabled soon
after, because he has no more purpose
for living.
The Provider lacks emotional
"wholeness" and therefore cannot be
emotionally present with his
relationships or himself. He lacks
balance in his life and puts all his efforts
into work and making money. Even if he
is successful and provides many things
for himself and his family, he will
probably not really be happy, because he
has to have more or work harder to keep
what he has acquired. He might even
think that he is "happy," but let's ask the
people around him how they feel. They
might have a quite different answer. This
guy might be drowning, and he doesn't
even know it. He will constantly be
comparing and competing with others.
He is in a race that doesn't exist, but one
for which he will give his life to win.
 The Aggressor
This is the guy with an attitude and a
huge chip on his shoulder. He is "large
and in charge" of everything that he
does. Everyone is a threat and he uses
intimidation and hostility to "bully" his
way through life. He has an edge and
always looks like he is "pissed" off,
which he probably is. He uses his
aggressiveness (sometimes physical) to
keep everyone at a distance. He is not
truly intimate or close with anyone. He
always seems to have a certain level of
hostility and might have a "short fuse"
with his anger. Anger is the only emotion
that he can safely express. It might be
that he was taught that way as a child or
discovered that the only way to
"survive" was to be hostile and
aggressive.
In our society, boys are taught that to
show emotion is to show weakness.
Emotions of sadness and fear are
especially disdained and frowned on.
"Boys don't cry" has been taught to
generations of men in this country. "Fear
is weakness" is another trait that is
commonly taught to young boys. The
result is that men are restricted in their
understanding and expression of
authentic emotions. The only emotional
expression that is acceptable is through
anger. I call this the "anger" channel,
because every emotion gets channeled
through or expressed as anger.
I used to work in hospital
emergency rooms and would often be
asked to help the families who had either
had someone who was seriously injured
or dead. Inevitably, the family members
would express the full range of
emotions, but there always seemed to be
one, usually a man, who became enraged
and angry and would explode. He would
punch the wall, throw a chair, or even
assault someone in the room or one of
the staff.
The Aggressor has developed a
"survival" strategy that is designed to
protect him from being hurt physically or
emotionally by others. His motto is "take
no prisoners" and he will do whatever
he can to keep everyone at a distance. It
is like he has an alarm that tells him to
attack and destroy everyone who crosses
into his imaginary air space. He uses this
unconsciously (usually) and might not
even realize that he attacks even those he
loves the most.
The good news about this type of
man is that he has only one strategy, and
if we can get through the first layer, he
will melt like "butter." His anger usually
masks sadness or fear. He is terrified of
being vulnerable but is usually desirous
of closeness and intimacy. He just
doesn't know how to do it and still feel
safe. His lack of emotional "wholeness"
is understandable, but the long-term
effects are devastating. He is about as
far away from being "happy" as a man
can be. He often will have had problems
maintaining stable employment or
relationships. He is a strong candidate
for drug and alcohol problems, and he
might have even had frequent run-ins
with the law.
 The Pleaser
This man has a good heart. He is
usually kind and compassionate. He is
almost never self-serving and is always
focused on the needs of others. He is the
consummate "diplomat" and
"peacemaker." He detests and avoids
conflict at all costs. He is always ever-
vigilant to the moods and well-being of
others and will go to extremes to ensure
that people in his life are "happy" and
that there is peace and harmony in his
world. He has developed the belief that
if his "outside" world is content and
absent of conflict, then he can feel
"happy" and at peace within himself.
He has little awareness of himself
as a person and will often sacrifice his
wants and needs to appease the needs
and wants of others. He rarely takes a
stand or offers an opinion without first
taking the "temperature" of the room and
ensuring that he will not offend anyone
or create conflict. He will find ways to
agree with those who are disagreeable
and to find the "middle ground" to
maintain harmony. He is an expert at
sensing the needs of others, but has little
awareness of his own needs. He gets his
satisfaction from pleasing others and
rarely thinks of himself first. He is an
expert at the art of compromise and self-
sacrifice. He might even take pride in
his willingness to sacrifice himself for
the "happiness" of others.
In his attempts to please others, he
gives up his power to everyone around
him. If they are "unhappy" or if his
attempts to avoid or resolve conflict are
unsuccessful then he has "failed." He
will become anxious and possibly
depressed. Underlying this is a sense of
shame. He feels insecure and
inadequate. He is so focused on his
external world, that he has little
awareness or understanding of his
internal world (self). He has been
"programmed" to focus on others and not
on himself. He has no real sense of who
he is as a person, and, hence, he defines
himself through the opinions and
judgments of others. Often he is like a
chameleon and can change and adapt to
accommodate the person or situation.
This type of man is similar to the
"Weak" man. Often these characteristics
will coexist in both types. He was often
raised among conflict, possibly even
violence or abuse, or he was taught to
avoid conflict at all costs. He might have
lacked nurturing as a child and might
have become the "nurturer" for those
who were supposed to nurture him to
"survive." He might have found that he
possessed the ability to quiet or resolve
conflicts and return situations to a more
peaceful state, thus decreasing his own
fears and anxieties.
The Pleaser cannot sustain a lasting
sense of happiness, because he has no
awareness of his "true" self. He is
constantly changing and adapting to the
world around him to maintain harmony
and peace. He has no vision for himself,
and his only purpose is to ensure that
everyone in his life is content. His
purpose is to appease others and avoid
conflict. If someone in his life is
displeased, especially with him, he will
go to extremes to return the situation to
"normal." He is overly apologetic and
will take responsibility for problems
and situations that are not his own. He is
easily coerced and manipulated by
others, who will use their "weapons" to
control him and to keep him "down." He
lacks assertiveness and has difficulty
setting limits and boundaries with
others. Ironically, it is usually those who
are closest to him who are the worst
offenders, although the Pleaser will
make himself an easy target with bosses
and coworkers in the workplace.
 The Fixer
Men, in general, seem to be raised
to think that it is their job to "fix" things.
While this attribute is useful in the
practical world, it is problematic in
personal relationships. The Fixer takes
this attribute to a whole new level. He is
usually logical and solution-focused. If
there is someone with a problem, then he
sees it as his responsibility to "fix" the
problem. He will offer advice and
possible solutions, even when they are
not solicited. He tends to think
analytically but is usually not sensitive
to emotions. He believes that there is a
logical and practical solution to every
problem and approaches life in this
manner.
In truth, this approach is not always
without merit, however the Fixer will
take on the responsibility for other
people's problems as if they were his
own and become frustrated, angry, or
hurt when the people he believes he is
trying to help reject his advice or
become angry with him for trying to
help. Some Fixers will come across as
"know it alls" and they might even
believe they are. Others might take
advantage of the Fixer and come to him
with an endless array of issues and
problems, some practical and some
personal. He will drop everything and
rush to someone's aid, like a fireman
being called to a fire. He will often do
this at the expense of his family and
eventually his own health and welfare.
He gets his sense of purpose by fixing
other people's problems, but, because he
has no real sense of himself as a person,
he gets his satisfaction and self-worth
from his need to "fix." We might say that
similar to an addict, he needs a constant
"fix" of "fixing."
Personal relationships are the
"Achilles heel" for the Fixer. He often
finds partners who he perceives to be a
"project." and he makes it his purpose to
polish and mold the "project" into the
finished "product." This works as long
as the "project" requires repair and is
cooperative with the imbalanced
relationship. What happens when the
"project" no longer requires repair, yet
the Fixer still has the need to "fix"?
Well, you can imagine that "fixing"
something that is not considered broken
will lead to conflict and unhappiness for
both parties. The constant need to fix
people, problems, and things becomes
an irritant to others who do not
appreciate this behavior.
Without a project or a problem to
solve, the Fixer feels lost. His energy is
always directed outward toward
problems and people, because he is
unable to see himself. He defines
himself based on what he is doing, rather
than on who he is as a person. In truth,
the Fixer is the one who needs "fixing."
He needs to realize that not all problems
or people require his efforts and
interventions. He needs to learn how to
keep his own "bucket" full and focus
more on his own comfort and well-
being. His focus on "fixing" others and
things keeps him externally focused,
meaning that he never takes a look at
himself. He lacks awareness of his
"TRUE" self and therefore he cannot be
totally present in his relationships or in
his own life.
 The Manipulator
Life is a chess game for the
Manipulator. He is always thinking
several moves ahead to move the pieces
around to get what he wants. He is
usually not direct about anything. He
does not trust anyone and assumes that
everyone is out to "screw" them. He lies,
even when it would be easier to tell the
truth. He always has a hidden agenda
and is always scheming about how to
use others to get what he wants. When
confronted, he will be the consummate
"victim." It is always someone else's
fault and never his.
He does his best work behind the
scenes and almost never puts himself in
the limelight. People are more like
objects, than people, and are used as
"pieces" in the game. The Manipulator
lacks empathy and can rarely see how
what he does or does not do affects
others. Some might call this person a
"narcissist," and certainly "narcissists"
fall into this category. He is usually a
"taker" and will only "give" when it is to
his advantage. Giving always comes
with an expectation that he has done a
favor and that "you owe him" for his
generosity.
He might see himself as superior to
others, yet this "mask" is only to cover
deeper feelings of insecurity. He has
trouble expressing any true emotions
other than anger, which is usually the
result of things not going his way or
when someone defies him or makes him
feel inferior. He usually uses words and
can become derogatory and degrading in
his speech. It is almost as if he has to
tear down others to feel better about
himself. Ironically, he can appear
charming and giving when he wants to,
often fooling others about his real
intentions.
Those in close relationships with
the Manipulator usually suffer the most.
Once under the "spell" of this type of
man, their reality can become distorted.
Somehow nothing is ever the
Manipulator's fault and he is an expert at
making it seem like it is always another's
fault. The Manipulator chips away at
other's self-esteem and leaves them in a
"crumpled heap" of shame and self-
doubt. He usually preys on the most
vulnerable people and seduces them into
thinking that they are not doing enough
and should be doing more. All problems
are the fault of other people and the
result of something that they did or did
not do. The Manipulator is most
attracted to people who are "givers" and
he will influence people into giving
everything, while receiving little, to
nothing, in return.
This type of man might be the
hardest to reach and the most difficult to
change because he does not see a
problem or a need to change. He is
exhausting to be with and will suck the
life from those around him. Unless he
has some kind of "crisis" or
"awakening," he might be unreachable. If
this is the case, then it is best for others
to "run for the hills" and save themselves
before there is nothing left.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to
teach people "empathy." If the
Manipulator is without it completely,
then he has reached the level of
"narcissist." If he has not reached this
level, then he might be able to be helped
to become more sensitive to the needs of
others and to become more accountable
for his actions, rather than blaming
others or making excuses. Remember, he
has a great deal of insecurity and will go
to extremes to mask it to not be
vulnerable.
 The Avoider
The Avoider is an expert at laying
low and staying neutral. He does his best
to avoid anything that requires an
emotional response. He detests conflict
and will usually run the other way when
he even senses disagreement. He avoids
making promises and commitments and
has trouble following through on things
that he started or agreed to do. He is
indecisive and will usually pass on
decision-making responsibilities to
someone else. He lacks emotional
presence, even though he might be
physically present. He will find ways to
escape into the garage or tinker on some
project. He appears busy but is rarely
productive. He uses this as a way to
avoid any emotional intimacy with
others.
Those in close relationship with the
Avoider will find themselves longing for
connection and emotional expression.
It's not that the Avoider has no feelings,
but he goes to great lengths to avoid
feeling emotions, especially expressing
them. Avoiders were often raised in
families where there was a great deal of
conflict and where emotional expression
was discouraged or even punished. He
quickly discovered ways to suppress
and avoid emotions in order to not be
punished for expressing them.
Overwhelmed with negative emotions
(anger and shame, in particular), he
developed ways to ignore and avoid
feeling them.
When he cannot physically avoid
emotional contact with others, he might
turn to alcohol, marijuana, and other
drugs to do so. An Avoider lacks
emotional intelligence and has little
understanding or awareness of how he
feels. After all, he has spent a lifetime
ignoring, denying, and avoiding all their
feelings.
Because he lacks the capacity for
emotional intimacy, he often feels
detached, lonely, and unloved, even
though he probably has many people
who would love to show him differently.
Secretly he longs to be close and longs
to belong, yet to do so would make him
feel vulnerable and exposed.
The good news is that the Avoider
has the ability to change his strategy and
behavior once he realizes that the old
way is no longer working. This might
take some time to come to fruition. He
fears vulnerability and often has
problems with anxiety. Severe anxiety
might be what brings his to his knees and
helps him realize that change is needed.
Remember, avoidance became a
survival strategy that helped him get
through traumatic childhood
experiences. It is hard to give up a
survival strategy, even if it is no longer
necessary.
 The Comedian
Everything is funny and everything
is a joke to the Comedian. He uses
humor to mask other emotions or to
solve conflicts. He is not really
comfortable in his own skin, and he
certainly isn't comfortable with any
negative emotions. There is a phrase in a
song that describes the "tears of a clown
when there's no one around." The
Comedian uses humor to cover his pain,
his anger, and his sadness. The problem
is that he is not authentic. Humor itself is
not problematic, but the Comedian uses
humor inappropriately. He might laugh
when others cry or make light of
someone else's pain. He might be a
practical joker and be insensitive to how
his jokes and humor affect others. He
might be sarcastic and demeaning with
his humor, as a way to demonstrate his
feelings in a nondirect or passive-
aggressive manner. He will come at
people in an underhanded and sideways
manner, so they can never quite pin it on
him directly.
Many Comedians are quite funny,
and there is always a grain of truth in
their humor. In Medieval days, there was
a function for the "court jester," who was
maybe the only one who could mock the
"king" without fear of being beheaded.
Nonetheless, the Comedian might be
masking other feelings, such as shame
and self-doubt. Humor is a good cover
and seems to make a person less
vulnerable to criticism and negativity.
After all, if individuals can make fun of
themselves first, then it might take the
sting out, if it comes from someone else.
The Comedian never really gets
close to others or lets others really get
close to him. Humor is used as a barrier
to true intimacy. His jovial manner and
quick wit might make him fun to be
around, yet what does the Comedian
really feel? What do you really know
about him? He is forever alone and
hiding behind his mask.
This inner "loneliness" might make
the Comedian prone to depression,
addiction, and a host of other problems.
The problem is that no one really ever
knows what lurks behind the mask.
Because of this, he often resents others
for not giving him what he wants or
needs. How could anyone guess that the
Comedian is in pain, when he always
has a smile on his face?
Unfortunately, the smile is
inauthentic as is the Comedian. He is
uncomfortable being his "TRUE" self,
because he secretly feels that he is
worthless. This is called shame. He
believes that if others saw who he really
is, then they would not like him. He uses
humor to get everyone to like him and
avoids any display of true emotion. This
is his "shield." It protects him from
rejection, or so he believes. Eventually,
others will tire of his comedic ways, and
they will start to see through his mask.
Unfortunately, the Comedian believes
that his mask is impenetrable and he
goes on and on being the way he is.
There is hope for the Comedian, if
he is open to taking off his "mask" and
revealing his authentic "self." He might
resist this idea at first, because it will
make him feel vulnerable and force him
to reveal his underlying shame. If he can
do so, he will realize that he can love
and be loved in an intimate and genuine
way. His sense of humor will only
enhance his attractiveness and will not
be used in a harmful and derogatory
way.
 The Knight
Riding through the forest, ever in
search of a "damsel" in distress, the
Knight is always looking to find a
woman to rescue. He is the consummate
rescuer and his primary weakness is his
need to be needed, especially by
women. As he surveys the fields and
forests of life, he always seems to find
the one person (usually female) who is
down and out, in need of repair,
vulnerable, and looking for someone to
rescue her. He gets his "fix" from riding
in just in time to save the day and scoops
up the "damsel" onto his trusty steed, as
they ride off into the sunset to live
"happily ever after." His self-esteem is
fueled by his ability to rescue and
"repair" the "damsel" in distress.
The problem comes when he does
such a good job of "rescuing" and
"repairing" the damsel, that she is no
longer in distress. Now what does the
Knight do with himself? He basically
has two options—find another "damsel"
in distress or keep his current "damsel"
in distress. He cannot operate as an
equal partner in a relationship, because
his sense of self depends on his having
the upper hand by being the one who is
needed and depended on. He has no idea
who he really is as a person,
independent of his conquests and efforts.
He values himself only by his "trophies"
and by his constant need to be needed. If
the "damsel" is no longer needy or
dependent, then the Knight has no
mission or focus. Thus he either returns
to the forest to procure another
"damsel," or he keeps the one he has in a
position of dependency.
If the Knight chooses to find other
"damsels," then he will have problems
with fidelity and loyalty. He is always
looking for a "Plan B" and cannot fully
commit himself to a true and intimate
relationship. This would require that he
give up his power position and become
an equal to his partner. The idea of this
is terrifying to the Knight, because it
would mean that he would have to take
off his armor and become vulnerable to
a woman.
 Beneath the armor is a wounded
little boy, who is terrified of being
rejected and abandoned. He believes
that the "damsel" would never leave
him, if he rescues her and nurses her
back to health. In his mind, she will be
forever grateful and will depend on him
for the rest of her life. The sad truth is
that if the Knight is successful in his
efforts, then the "damsel" will most
likely leave, because she is no longer in
need of rescue and is desirous of an
equal and intimate relationship. The
Knight is unable to provide this.
 If the Knight takes option two, "keep
the damsel in distress," then he is likely
to find ways to keep her in a state of
neediness and dependency. He will find
ways to put her down and denigrate her
self-esteem. He will find ways to
sabotage her efforts at independence and
growth. He will become controlling and
find ways to assert his dominance. In
extreme cases he might become abusive.
In short, he will try to destroy the thing
that he loves to keep his "damsel" from
leaving him. The insecure "little boy"
must appear to be the one with all of the
power and control, thinking that if he is
in charge he will keep his "damsel"
forever. He creates the illusion of
"happily ever after," but in reality he
creates misery and unhappiness.
Sometimes the Knight will bite off
more that he can chew and attract a
professional "damsel." She is the
perpetual victim and gets her needs met
by being rescued by others. At first this
feels like the Knight's wildest dream has
come true—a "damsel" in perpetual
need. The problem comes when the
demands of the "damsel" exceeds the
energy and ability of the Knight to fulfill
his duties. No matter what he does, it is
never enough to fulfill the incessant
neediness of the "damsel." This leads to
frustration and resentment on the part of
the Knight, as the professional "damsel"
has turned the table and has taken all the
power and control. Her incessant
demands, fueled by the Knight's
insecurity and fear of rejection,
eventually cause him to become weak
and powerless. Now he becomes the
dependent one and his quest to "rescue"
can never be fulfilled, but he cannot fail,
so he pulls out all the stops and keeps on
going, even if it kills him in the end.
There is hope for the Knight, if he
can become open and willing to take off
his "armor" and put his "steed" in the
barn long enough to face his biggest
fears—rejection and abandonment.
Sometimes the former "damsel" can get
the Knight to open up, but this might be
best accomplished in the company of
other men. Getting the Knight to trust
other men might be the biggest obstacle,
because he sees them as competition.
The scared little boy is hiding behind the
armor and might fear being exposed or
even destroyed if he were to take it off
around "real" men.
 The Stoic
The stoic might be considered the
stereotypical man. He is the classic
"hero" in many movies and television
programs. Think of actor John Wayne.
He is a tough and brave man and never
shows much, or any, emotion, with the
exceptional expression of anger when he
is fighting the "bad guy." Even then he
seems to always be in control of his
emotions. When it comes to the ladies,
he can fall in love, but he has trouble,
even then, expressing his true feelings.
The Stoic, therefore, is a man who
cannot express his true emotions. He is a
man who lives by his "head" and not by
his "heart." He does whatever he can to
keep his emotions in check, and a person
can never really tell how the Stoic feels.
This might be attractive to some people,
because he always seems to be in
control and seems to know what to do.
It is not uncommon to see Stoics in
relationships with women who are
emotionally expressive. It is as if he
uses his partner to do all the emotional
work, while he keeps his emotions
bottled up inside. His partner might
serve as an emotional relief valve. This
might work well for a long time, but
secretly his partner longs for some
expression of feeling or some
tenderness. The day will usually come
when the partner of a Stoic begins to
resent the thing that attracted her in the
first place. She might resent the fact that
he does not respond to or fulfill many of
her emotional needs. He might resent the
fact that she is "too" emotional, and he
might feel overwhelmed by her
expression of feelings. This problem
could fester and eventually spell doom
to the relationship. I see couples all of
the time who have this issue, and it is
difficult to get the Stoic man to become
open and vulnerable to his partner.
It might be that the Stoic was taught
that "men don't show their feelings" and
that the expression of emotion is a sign
of weakness. Men who are not in control
of their emotions or who express
emotions, other than anger, are not
considered to be "real" men. This is the
way that many boys have been raised in
our society. It is unfortunate that this has
been the way that generations of boys
have been taught to be men. It has left
many men without the ability to
understand and express themselves and
has prevented them from experiencing
true intimacy with their friends and
families. Because of this the Stoic is the
epitome of the emotional "half" a person.
He lives primarily in his "head" and has
disconnected from his "heart." It isn't
that he is void of emotion; it is that he
has little awareness of them, and even if
he has the awareness, he has no ability
to express them.
The Stoic will likely have
difficulties experiencing a lasting sense
of happiness, because one has to have
the ability to access a full range of
emotions to do so. If people cannot feel
their sadness, then how can they know
true joy when they experience it? The
good news is that a Stoic can be taught
emotional intelligence, and he can be
taught to become more comfortable
expressing his feelings. In this way he
can become his "TRUE" and authentic
self. This requires a change in his
paradigm and relearning what it is to be
a man.

Do you recognize yourself (or a man

in your life) in any of these descriptions?
If so, then this book is for you. You might
have found that you are a combination of
more than one type. This is common. At
some point, I have been a combination of
several "types," and I didn't even realize
it. I became this way, because it was
how I was taught to be, or it was how I
adapted to "survive" in my world as a
child growing up. It became a way of
being for me that affected my choices,
my relationships, and my view of others
and me. Without awareness, I could not
see how I was showing up in the world
or the effect I was having on others.
What I really didn't realize was how
dependent I was on people and things
outside myself. I was seeking from
others that which I ultimately realized
was already within me.
This is our starting point. The first
step of the change process is to have an
awareness of a need to change.
Hopefully, the fact that you are reading
this book is a good indicator that you
have already come to some level of
awareness. I invite you to keep reading
and complete the exercises that are to
come. Doing so will help you to identify
the "roadblocks" and patterns that have
kept you from being your "TRUE" and
authentic self and have kept you from
finding that lasting sense of happiness
and fulfillment.
"New beginnings are often disguised as
painful endings."
—Lao Tzu
 It's All an Illusion
"Those who are able to see beyond the
shadows and lies of their culture will
never be understood, let alone believed
by the masses."
—Plato
What if everything that we have
been taught to believe wasn't actually all
true? What if our "reality" was distorted
in such a way that it determined how we
thought, felt, and behaved? What if we
were conditioned in such a way that it
took us away from our "TRUE" selves,
our being? What if we have been
"programmed" to look outside ourselves
for the things that we already have
within us?
Our society teaches us that we must
have more, be more, achieve more, and
do more to be successful, happy, and
fulfilled. With this mindset, we are
always in a state of needing more to be
"enough." We are competing, comparing,
and complaining about what we need,
what we don't have, and what someone
else has that we do not have and want.
Dr. Wayne Dyer, motivational author,
says that we are always "striving and
never arriving." We have become
"addicted" to the idea that we must have
more and be more to be "enough." The
idea behind this way of thinking is that
happiness, success, and fulfillment will
come when we have these things. The
problem for many men (and women) is
that there is no "enough." When we get
more, achieve more, or acquire more,
there is a voice inside our heads that
says, "Now what?" That voice seems to
never be quieted. It never goes away. At
least it hasn't for me.
When we "fail" or fall short of the
mark, then the only conclusion that we
can draw is that "we" are a "failure" and
that "we" are not enough. This
conclusion is based on a distorted way
of thinking that takes us away from
awareness of our "TRUE" self.
How many of us think that who we
are, is what we do? When I ask most
people the question, "Who are you?"
they respond with answers that describe
something they "do," for example, a job
or a role they play, such as "I am a
father" or "I am an accountant." In fact,
this has nothing to do with who they are
as a person. It tells us nothing about the
"essence" of who they really are.
How many of us are unhappy and
unfulfilled, are stuck in jobs that we
hate, are stuck in relationships that are
toxic, or are just going through the
motions of existing? How many of us ask
the question "Is this all there is?" How
many of us have long since given up on
our hopes and dreams, losing sight of
what made us excited, passionate, and
full of life? How many of us have been
blindly following a script, like actors in
a movie, that was not written for who
we really are as a person?
If you are one of these men, then
welcome. This is where our journey
together begins. I am one of these men—
one who has been searching for life's
meaning, one who has felt unhappy and
unfulfilled. I have often felt undeserving
of what life has had to offer. I have spent
the majority of my life doing things that
were supposed to bring me joy and
happiness. By most standards, I had
done fairly well for myself, yet I still
wasn't feeling happy and fulfilled. I was
"successful" yet I did not feel
"successful" enough. I made a good
income, but I didn't feel like it was
enough. I was educated, but it wasn't
enough. I had nice things, but they
weren't enough. I was a husband and a
father, but it wasn't enough. In fact, no
matter what I did, it was never enough
(or so I believed). Even when I
achieved, acquired, or accomplished
something new, I felt happy for a fleeting
moment and then that nagging voice
inside my head would say, "You don't
deserve it."
I didn't even stop to appreciate
anything that I had or the world around
me. You could say that I never "stopped
to smell the roses." I did not know what
the word "gratitude" even meant. I had
heard the saying "have an attitude of
gratitude" a thousand times, but I really
didn't know in my soul what it meant. I
was "programmed," as most of us are, to
"show me the money," like the
catchphrase in the Jerry Maguire movie.
And so I followed the money.
I began to follow what I call the
"book." This refers to the things that
most of us are taught as children by
society, our parents, our cultures, our
religions, and other influences.
The "book" said, "Be a good boy,"
and so I was.
The "book" said, "Get good
grades," and so I did.
The "book" said, "Go to college,"
and so I did.
The "book" said, "Get married and
raise a family," and so I did.
The "book" said, "Have a career
and make money," and so I did.
The "book" said, "Do these things,
and you will be successful, happy, and
fulfilled."
But I was not.
I followed the "book," expecting
these things to be my reward. I did
everything by the "book," expecting that
by doing so, happiness would follow.
Now there is nothing inherently wrong
with any of the "rules" in the "book."
The problem that I was having with the
"book" was that I was doing all of the
things that I was "supposed" to do, and I
still wasn't feeling happy. It wasn't
"enough"! Of course, I could only
surmise that somehow I was "less than,"
inadequate, and defective in some way
that I could not identify. I wasn't doing
"it" right, and somehow I had fallen
short.
I live in Los Angeles, California. It
is a melting pot of people from all over
the world. People with their own set of
cultures, traditions, and beliefs. People
with their own "books," yet I constantly
see many of these people apparently
searching and striving for more. Many
are in search of a better life. Many
believe that if they follow the "American
Dream," then they will be happier and
more successful. For some this is true,
yet many people never find what they are
looking for. Some believe that they will
find it in family, and some do. Others
believe that they will find it in hard
work and monetary success, and some
do, but for many people, they do these
things, hoping that what they seek will
follow, and it always seems to elude
them.
It seems like we are all on a quest
to find something that we perceive to be
missing inside us. It's as if we are
chasing something, but it always seems
to get away from us. When I ask people
from other cultures what it is that they
are seeking, the answers are usually
quite similar, if not exactly the same.
Most will answer with one word:
"happiness."
Why does happiness elude most of
us? I have certainly had moments of
happiness and peace, yet those moments
seem to be few and far between. Why
does happiness seem to be so transient?
I would certainly rather spend most of
my moments feeling happy and peaceful,
as I am sure most of us would. In my
own journey, I have discovered that
what I had been seeking, that which
appeared elusive, has always been right
there within me. I don't have to find it
"out there" and I sure can't go to Walmart
and buy it. It is right there within me, and
it has always been there. So how do we
lose the awareness that the thing we so
desperately seek already lies within?
I have come to believe that what
separates us from our "TRUE" selves,
which is where happiness resides, is our
"addiction" to the "book." While the
"book" seems well intentioned, it has
been written as a "one-size-fits-all"
story. If everyone follows this same
path, then we will all live "happily ever
after." By design the "book" separates us
from our unique and authentic selves and
requires us to fit into a "script" that was
written for someone else. Unfortunately,
the "book" also crushes our spirit and
detaches us from our souls. Once this
happens, usually when we are young
children, we begin to move away from
the "TRUE" source of happiness and
begin a lifelong quest to get back where
we started. We start believing the
"illusion" that has been created instead
of recognizing our "TRUE" selves.
Happiness has been hiding in plain sight,
all along, literally right under our noses.
Have you ever noticed young
children at play? They are so full of
innocence and joy. They imagine and
pretend. To them all things are possible.
To them there is no limitation. Happiness
and joy are the norm, until something
happens to change that. Something
happens to crush their spirit. Something
happens that causes them to distrust their
"essence," their "TRUE" selves.
What happens to us as children that
crushes our spirit and separates us from
our souls? The only answer that I can
come up with is that we are taught the
"book." Yes, things happen to some
children that are traumatic and
disturbing. These experiences can
certainly cause this separation, but even
children with relatively benign
experiences can come to the same place.
I certainly had what most would
call a "benign" childhood, yet I have
been about as far away from my "spirit"
as I could get. Ever since I can
remember, I have been indoctrinated by
the "book." When I was younger I would
spend hours and hours playing and
pretending. I had "adventures" and things
seemed so clear. Everything seemed so
possible. I had dreams and aspirations.
Then I was taught fear and doubt. Maybe
this is just part of our development, but
it seems contrary to the peace and
happiness that we are all seeking. Adults
say to children:
"Be careful."
"Don't be selfish."
"You might get hurt."
These are well-intentioned
warnings, but all are designed to crush
our "spirit." Fear and doubt are learned.
If we don't learn it from our parents, then
we most certainly learn it in our schools.
Everyone must fit onto the assembly line.
If they don't, then they are discarded. I
have lived most of my life in a state of
fear and doubt. It has been my "default"
emotional state. It has been the reason
that I have made many of the choices,
both good and bad, that I have made. I
can't say that every choice and decision
has been from a place of fear and doubt,
but I can certainly say that many of the
most significant decisions came from
this place.
Lessons from the "book" are passed
on from generation to generation and are
designed to protect us, but also designed
to keep us in line with what is expected
from society or from our parents. They
tell us:
"Be practical."
"Play it safe."
"How could you ever make a good
living doing that?"
Maybe your "book" taught you
something quite different, but,
nonetheless, it had an influence on you.
Somewhere along the way, I got
lost. I didn't even realize that I was lost.
I thought I was doing just fine. I grew up
in what seemed like a loving family. For
the most part, I did exactly as I was told
and did what was expected. I didn't
realize until much later that I was doing
this to get acceptance and approval from
my parents, my family, and just about
everyone else I can think of. While this
is not an uncommon thing for many of us,
I think I took it to a new level.
In retrospect I was doing this to
make everyone feel good. Somehow I
took it on as my job to make the adults in
my life feel "happy." There were many
things that were occurring behind the
scenes in my family that I wasn't aware
of at the time. They kept a lot of things
secret from me. Maybe it was to protect
me, but it created fear and doubt in me,
because I could sense that there were
things that were wrong, but I had no way
of understanding what they were.
My family was also wearing a
"mask" and creating an illusion. Through
a child's eyes, I could only interpret that
what was wrong must have had
something to do with me. "It must be
"me" who is the problem," I believed. If
I was the problem, then I needed to find
a solution. I discovered that by doing
well in school, behaving (as best I
could), having a sense of humor, and
doing everything that I was "supposed"
to do made everyone seem to feel happy.
It was here that I learned if everyone in
my life feels better, then I feel better.
The anxiety and uneasiness that I felt
was relieved when I perceived that the
adults in my family felt "happy."
Of course, this was a never-ending
job, requiring a heightened state of
vigilance and alert. This led to me
spending most of my life believing that it
was my responsibility to make everyone
feel good. If they didn't, then I didn't feel
good. If they didn't feel good, then
somehow I had "failed." If I had
"failed," then I was a "failure." It was
proof that I wasn't "enough."
It was probably during this time that
I learned to look outside myself for
approval, and I started valuing other
people's opinions and ideas more than
my own. I learned to be a chameleon. I
could be whatever I needed to be, in
whatever situation I found myself. I
certainly was flexible and adaptable,
which are actually good traits to have. I
just used it to make sure that everyone
else was happy. Doing this was the
equivalent of trying to control the
weather, on a cold and stormy day, to
stay warm. It was impossible, and it was
exhausting.
The problem that occurred was that
if I was supposed to make everyone else
happy, then who was supposed to make
me happy? I now know that I had it
backward. It was my job to make me
happy, as it is incumbent for each of us
to be emotionally responsible for
ourselves. To this day, I struggle with
this. I can figure out quickly what
someone else needs to be happy, but I
can't do the same thing for myself. This
has been one of the hardest lessons that I
have had to learn, being emotionally
responsible for myself and remaining
compassionate, yet detached, from other
people's emotional well-being.
Now here is an interesting thing. In
my professional life, I seem to be fairly
good at keeping myself from being
emotionally responsible for others. I
remain empathic and compassionate. I
give 100 percent of myself to help
others, but I do not feel that I have to be
responsible for them emotionally. I try to
get them to be responsible for
themselves, yet I will admit that I
struggle daily with doing that for myself.
My personal life is another story.
This seems to be the big battleground.
Maybe it is because I want so badly to
be loved and accepted, and I feel that if I
can "make" my loved ones feel good,
then they will love me and not leave me.
Now that is a crazy realization! In saying
that, I can see that this is what I learned
to do as a child.
My biological father died in an
automobile accident when I was only
two years old. I never knew him. My
grandfather, my mother's father, died
about the same time. My mother was
devastated by the loss of the two
prominent men in her life. She never
recovered. This left her as a single
mother in the late 1950s, and she had to
take care of me as well as her mother. I
had lost two major male figures, and I
believe that my mother came to resent
me for being a burden.
 She always seemed emotionally
detached, and she lived in a constant
state of fear. She always had physical
problems, probably the result of the
stress that she was under. She took care
of me, but there was something missing
in our connection. I sensed this and
thought that it was my fault that she felt
so badly. My mother remarried when I
was about five years old. My stepfather,
fortunately, was a good man and
provided for us, but he was emotionally
distant, and it was clear that my mother
ran the show.
 He and I never had a close
relationship. He had a sarcastic and
shameful sense of humor and would say
things that were demeaning and hurtful. I
remember once losing some money in a
soda machine, when I was about seven
years old. He screamed at me, "You
dummy," and I felt devastated. I felt an
overwhelming sense of shame. I guess
that I believed what he had said. I
started to live in constant fear that if I
didn't make them happy, then they would
leave me. This was reinforced by many
things that were being said and done.
 One thing in particular comes to
mind. We would frequently drive by the
"orphan's home." It was a large
institutional building that looked like
something from the movie Friday the
13th. My parents would always tell me
that if I wasn't "good," then they would
leave me there. I was never sure if they
were joking or if they were serious.
Maybe it was a little of both. I was
terrified that they would reject me and
abandon me, if I didn't follow the
"book." Somewhere I got it in my head
that I had to follow the "book" exactly,
and I had to make sure that everyone in
my life was "ok" to feel safe and
comfortable myself. After all, I didn't
want to end up in the "orphan's home."
I guess that is why even today I am
more in tune to my partner's needs than I
am my own. When it comes down to it, I
am terrified of being rejected and
abandoned. I am super sensitive to the
emotional states of my partners, and I
will go out of my way to please them or
make sure that they are happy. I usually
say that I go out of my way to "fix" them.
The irony is that I usually get a terse and
angry reaction when I try to do this.
You'd think I would learn my lesson.
Now that I am more conscious and
aware, I do a better job of catching
myself doing this, but if I am "offline"
and unconscious, I go right back to this
behavior. I am sure that my friends and
partners, past and present, will be
nodding their heads as they read this
statement. I was going through life as a
scared little boy, with no real
understanding of who I was as a man. I
was under the delusion that I was
supposed to "fix" and protect everyone
but felt totally inadequate to do so.
The point I am trying to make here
is that "it is all an illusion." Most of
what we learn and most of what we are
taught is distorted in such a way that it
leaves us doubting our "TRUE" selves.
We form our views and our beliefs when
we are children. This becomes the
"operating" system for our lives. We call
this our personality, the way we think,
feel, and behave. It becomes the lens for
how we perceive our world, and it
becomes the basis for the choices that
we make throughout our lives. I have
been making choices throughout my life
based on my "operating system." I have
been "programmed" to think and feel a
certain way. If I do not follow the rules
of my "operating system," then I feel
guilty and ashamed. This happens even if
my "TRUE" self says otherwise.
My struggle has been to become
conscious of these rules and to challenge
and update my "operating system." This
has been a daunting task. I am so used to
thinking, feeling, and behaving in a
certain way, that I have a hard time
doing anything different. It feels so
uncomfortable. This is especially true
when I am tired or at other times when I
am not conscious and present. It is so
habitual, that I don't always catch myself
until I have acted in such a way that
catches my attention, or until someone
else points it out to me. My usual
response is, "I didn't realize it." It is as
if I am on automatic pilot. Doing this
also adds to my shame and
embarrassment.
If it is all an "illusion," then what is
reality? How do we break free from our
"programming" and find our "TRUE"
authentic selves? This has been my
struggle for most of my life. As I look
back on my life, it has been a good one,
yet I somehow feel angry that I haven't
always been true to myself. It feels like I
have been going through the motions, and
that I have never been truly present in the
"movie" of my life. While I have had a
good life, by many people's standards, I
am realizing that I haven't necessarily
written the script. Rather than look back
with regret, I am choosing to use this
new "awareness" to enlighten others and
empower them to be the authors of their
own "book" and the directors of their
own "movie."
More important for me, I am doing
this to help myself (remember, I haven't
done a very good job of that). My goal is
to use my own journey to help others
break free from the bonds of their
"book" to become their "TRUE"
authentic selves. This will be an
opportunity for us to update the
"software" of our minds and to install
"apps" that are congruent with who we
are and how we want to be.
"You cannot always control what goes
on outside.
But you can always control what goes
on inside."
—Wayne W. Dyer
 The Book of
"Shoulds"
"When you relate to thoughts
obsessively, you are actually feeding
them because thoughts need your
attention to survive. Once you begin to
pay attention to them and categorize
them, then they become very powerful.
You are feeding them energy because
you are not seeing them as
simple phenomena. If one tries to quiet
 them down, that is another way of
feeding them."
—Chögyam Trungpa
Each of us has a "book" that we
have been "programmed" to follow. We
are taught the "book" from the time that
we are born. The "book" teaches us what
we "should" do and how we "should"
be. If we vary too far from the "book,"
then we are usually ridiculed, shamed,
and coerced back into compliance. We
never have the opportunity to challenge
or question the "book." I became so
indoctrinated by my own "book" that it
took me many years to challenge its
teachings.
Many psychologists believe that
personality is formed within the first six
or seven years of life. Personality can be
thought of as our "hardwiring." Who we
are is a result of the learning,
experiences, and beliefs we form about
those experiences, along with a little
help from our genetics. When we are a
young child, we are like a sponge,
soaking up everything that we are told,
observe, and experience. Before age
seven, we do not have the ability to think
critically. That means that we cannot
discern or determine if what we are
hearing, thinking, seeing, or experiencing
is true or not. This is called "magical
thinking." Before about age seven,
children cannot differentiate between the
"real" Santa Claus" and the "fake" Santa
Claus." They cannot determine the
difference between the character and the
real person. What goes into the mind is
interpreted as fact. Thus, things that we
learn and believe are "hardwired" in our
brains as "true" even if they are actually
not.
In the process of learning and
experiencing, children are taught many
things that they "should" or "shouldn't"
do. They accept these "shoulds" without
question and operate according to these
"rules." Unfortunately, I have found many
adults who continue to operate on these
"rules," even if they no longer apply or
are useful. In fact, many of these so-
called rules are blatantly false! They can
be contradictory and mutually exclusive
and cause "dissonance" within adults.
These "rules" are so "programmed"
within their belief systems, that people
go about their lives automatically and
habitually, without ever thinking about
why they are doing something or if what
they are doing is sound.
Individuals might have accumulated
so many of these "rules" that they are in
a constant state of emotional distress. I
"should" do this; I "should" be this
way—they think to themselves. Some
people become frozen in fear or guilt
because of this constant battle of
"shoulds." We might say that they are
"shoulding" all over themselves.
 This internal battle might rage on
for years, even for a lifetime. For many,
it will lead to depression, anxiety, and a
host of other maladies. It might be
thought that this battle is between our
"TRUE" self and the "false" self that
was created by our old programming, "I
should be this way, but I am really
another way." People feel bad when
there is a difference between the way
they are authentically and the way they
believe they "should" be. I have spent
many years in conflict between the two.
When there was a conflict in my life, I
would usually defer to the "book" and
repress the expression of my "TRUE"
self. This led me to feel an almost
constant feeling of shame and guilt and
was the main source of my belief that I
wasn't "enough." How could I be
"enough," when I knew that the "book"
wasn't written for me? I could only
surmise that the reason I felt bad was
that something was "wrong" with me.
When I work with people who are
having this problem, I have them do the
following exercise:
Grab the largest, heaviest book that
you can find. A dictionary or
encyclopedia works well. Then
extend your arms out in front of
you, with your palms facing up.
Proceed to place the book in your
hands, with your arms extended as
described. Continue to hold the
book until it becomes unbearably
heavy. Do not put it down just yet.
This is the "Book of Shoulds." It
represents all the messages,
beliefs, and rules that have been
fed to you by your parents,
teachers, religion, and others. This
"book" has become your
"program." Everything that you
think, feel, and do is filtered
through the lens of this program.
All is dictated by this "book."
There might be things in the "book"
that are useful and that you would
like to keep, but there might be
things in there that are no longer
useful and are not congruent with
whom you are as a person. The
problem is that you have never
examined these beliefs and rules
 critically to determine if they
actually belong in your "book."
We will take the opportunity to do
this now. At this point, you might
put the book down.
I used this exercise on myself, and,
as you might think, the "book" had gotten
heavy and it became uncomfortable to
keep holding it. I resisted for a long
time, but as the book became heavier,
and my arms began to shake, I came to
the awareness that it was time to
challenge its contents. After putting the
book down, I began to write all my
"rules" on a piece of paper. It was
astounding to read them aloud and use
my critical mind to ask myself the
question, "Why should I?" If I could
come up with a reasonable answer and
found the "rule" a useful one to keep in
my own "book," then I would keep it. If
the "rule" was no longer useful or did
not make any sense, then I discarded it. I
do this exercise periodically, because
there are still "should" beliefs that
surface from time to time that I missed in
my first few attempts.
 As I do this exercise with others, I
know that when they choose to put down
the "book," then they are acknowledging
they are going to challenge the contents
of the book. It is up to them to decide
what the "book" will contain going
forward. We then proceed to identify the
"shoulds" that are contained within the
"book" and determine if they still apply,
just as I did.
To complete the exercise, I have
found it useful to grab a couple of pads
of "sticky notes" and a pen. As we
identify the "shoulds," I have the person
write them, one per note. He or she can
place the note on a board or pad of
paper. I have even had a person cover
themselves with these notes, an unusual
sight to say the least, but powerful for
the person doing the exercise.
Once all the "shoulds" have been
identified, we begin the process of
critically evaluating their usefulness and
purpose. There might have been a reason
that some "shoulds" came about, and
there might have been a time when some
of them were useful and necessary. That
is why we have to look at them now and
decide if they still work.
Try this exercise yourself. You can
decide if you want to use a book or
something with a lot of weight. It is more
powerful if you use a book. The
advantage of using an actual book is that
it symbolizes your internal
"book."Because of that, you can
consciously experience the physical
discomfort that represents the emotional
discomfort you have been experiencing.
Make a list of all of your "should"
beliefs and "rules" that govern your life.
For each "should" or "rule," ask
yourself, "Why should I?" If it makes
sense or applies to how you want to live
your life now, keep it. If it no longer
makes sense or applies, then throw it
out. If you are using "sticky notes," take
the ones that you consciously choose to
discard and put them on a separate piece
of paper or board. It will be amazing to
look at them in their totality when you
are done with this exercise. Of course,
you can always choose to pick them
back up and put them in your "book"
today. I am guessing that you will not
want to.
Now, ask yourself which "shoulds"
conflict with your "TRUE" self and
which ones are keeping you from being
in integrity with who you really are?
These are the ones that you will struggle
with, because they are the deepest and
the most meaningful. Ask yourself these
questions:
What do I have to risk, give up, or
change, if I no longer live by this belief?
Who might be unhappy or upset, if I
choose to give up this belief?
 Am I willing to sacrifice my
integrity to keep doing what I have
always done?
You might want to keep your list
handy and review it often. You can add
or delete the contents, as you
consciously choose what your "book"
will contain. Become aware of times
you find yourself saying or thinking, "I
should . . ." Challenge yourself in those
moments. Write it down and put it on
your list and then go through this
process: "Why should I?" Nothing can
get into your "book" without your
permission. Nothing can cause you to
lose your integrity, unless you let it!

"You must learn a new way to think

before you can master a new way to
be."
—Marianne Williamson
"The primary cause of unhappiness is
never the situation but your thoughts
about it."
—Eckhart Tolle
 The Road to
Wholeness
"Often people attempt to live their lives
backwards; they try to have more
things, or more money, in order to do
more of what they want, so they will be
happier.
The way it actually works is the
reverse. You must first be who you
really are, then do what you need to do,
in order to have what you want."
—Margaret Young
 Our path, our journey, is a lonely
one. It is one that we must take alone. No
one else has the same path, for we are
unique souls. Yes, people can join us
and walk with us. People will appear
just when they are needed and disappear
when they are not. It is a "selfish"
journey and cannot be undertaken lightly.
Those of us who choose to take this
journey will risk judgment, rejection,
and fear. We will face adversity and
turmoil, but in the end we reap the
benefit of the happiness and joy that
comes from being our "TRUE" selves.
 In this case "selfish" does not mean
"only me." We must participate fully in
our lives. Family, friends, and
relationships are all important, but not at
the expense of YOU becoming YOU.
Many of us compromise our "integrity"
during our pursuit of "happiness." When
we do this, we lead our lives like
robots, going through the motions, never
truly present in all our glory. We must
become our highest and "TRUE" selves
to experience the true "purpose" of our
being. When we do this, we become
better parents, mates, and friends and
also better men (and women). Living our
true "purpose" impacts the people in our
lives in a positive way and also has the
potential to make the world a better
place.
I believe we are all on a journey to
find our "TRUE" selves and to live out
our "purpose." Sadly, most of us will
follow the "book" and seek moments of
happiness and fulfillment by acquiring
and achieving things. If this works for
you, then that is great, but then you are
probably not reading this book.
 I was on a hike the other day. I am
fortunate to live in an area where there
are beautiful mountains and foothills.
There are some tremendous hiking trails
nearby that meander through some
stunning natural terrain, fraught with
nature. This particular trail ended at a
waterfall. As I arrived at the end of the
trail, I stood looking at the waterfall,
feeling consumed by its beauty. There
happened to be a man standing nearby,
just on the other side of the stream
created by the waterfall. He was with
his children and, as they crossed the
stream preparing to leave, the children
pleasantly teased him about being an
"old man" and encouraged him to walk
the long way around, which was an
easier path. I saw the determination in
his eyes as he ignored their teasing and
walked the rockier, harder path across
the stream. As he got to the other side,
where his children and I stood, you
could see the feeling of accomplishment
that he felt as he said to his children,
"See, I can still keep up."
I commented to the man that I could
see his determination and knew in my
heart that he would cross the stream with
ease. We all laughed and commented on
the beauty of the waterfall. He said that
in his 56 years of life, he had never
taken the time to visit this place of
beauty, even though he had lived nearby
for most of his life. He stated that he had
been too busy working and raising his
children to take the time.
"Why now?" I asked
He replied, "Now is my time." Then
he explains, "I am already working on
my bucket list," referring to the movie by
the same name, where a group of old
men, nearing the end of life, make a list
of things they want to see or do before
they die.
I asked the man what was at the top
of his list, and he responded, "I'm going
to rent a red Jaguar convertible and
drive somewhere far away with the top
down." I then asked him why this was at
the top of his list—what did he hope to
get from this experience? He replied, "I
want to be happy."
Why is it that we wait until our later
years to find meaning, purpose, and
happiness in our lives? Is this just the
process of life, or is it the result of old
programming that has taken us away
from our TRUE path? We get so caught
up in "doing," that we never give
ourselves time to just "be." Psychologist
Carl Rogers said that we are human
"beings," not humans "doing," yet our
"programming" has encouraged us to do
just the opposite.
I can recall numerous stories of men
and women who put off "living" and
pursuing their dreams. Many waited until
after retirement and died or became ill
before they could "live." They didn't
"wake up" until it was too late, or they
never "woke up" at all. There is a great
song, sung by Tim McGraw, titled "Live
Like You Were Dying." It is a song about
a father's struggle with cancer and his
ultimate death from this disease. It is a
song about living life to the fullest, now,
as opposed to waiting until it is too late
to do so.
This theme of waiting until the end
of life to experience happiness and joy,
in short to "live," is rampant in literature
and films. The message seems to be
"live now, before it is too late."
Why is it that we are not taught or
encouraged to do this when we are
young?
Why are we "programmed" to give
up our dreams and to follow a path that
is not our own?
What happens to us that crushes our
spirit and moves us away from our
"essence"?
What is this thing we call a soul or
"essence" and what happens to it along
the way?
One of my teachers, Dr. Jon
Connelly, taught me to think of my
"essence" as that sense of peace and
excitement, pure love, and light that
resides within me at my center. He
teaches that there are times when we are
aware of our "essence," like when we
come upon a scene in nature that is
"beyond beautiful." At that moment we
experience a sense of both peace and
excitement. Usually we attribute this
feeling at the scene as the source of these
feelings, but Connelly says that we might
also say that at that moment our
awareness is drawn in, toward our
center, where at our center, "WE" are
that peace, excitement, love, and light.
He goes on to say that there are
times when the awareness of our
"essence" or "TRUE" selves is strong,
like when we experience the scene in
nature, but there are many times when
the awareness of who we are becomes
blocked or distorted. He uses an
example to illustrate this point. I have
also heard other "spiritual" teachers use
a similar analogy. We all know that the
sky is blue, and the sun shines warmly
and brightly, yet on a cloudy day our
awareness of the sky and sun becomes
blocked. Our perceptions distort our
awareness. Now the sky and the sun are
always there, they never go away, but
we lose our awareness of their presence.
Our perception has changed.
Many of us live our lives below the
clouds, believing that this is who we
are. We attribute any fleeting moments of
happiness, joy, peace, excitement, and
love to the person or experience that we
believe caused it, thus we have already
begun to believe that these things that we
seek come from something outside us.
From this belief, we try to find these
things in experiences, relationships, and
material things. We spend our life
seeking what we already have within us.
We have just lost our awareness, which
was already within us in the first place!
So how does this loss of awareness
come about? Why do most of us lose
track of our "spirit" and become focused
on "doing" rather than "being"? Imagine
what your life would be like if you were
living from the place of being your
authentic "TRUE" self. Imagine what the
world would be like if everyone was
living from the source of their "TRUE"
essence.
In my personal journey, I have
started to answer these questions in an
effort to "heal" old wounds in an effort
to live in a higher state of awareness and
consciousness. It is an effort to be more
present and thus more effective in my
life by living from the place of "spirit,"
my authentic self. It is an effort to live
my life on "purpose" with intention and
integrity. I call it an "effort," because it
is a moment-to-moment struggle for me
to stay present and conscious. It is even
harder to stay in "integrity" with my true
self. My ego (I define this as my "false"
self) is the storehouse of old
"programming" and the place of my
negative thoughts and emotions. It
constantly tries to lure me back and lull
me to sleep. I have to stay vigilant and
strong to fight this "beast" that has gotten
so powerful from years of
"programming." I am not my thoughts or
my emotions. There is an "I" that is
separate from these things, and that is the
place where my "TRUE" self, my spirit
or "essence," resides.
It is so easy to lose my "integrity." I
say "lose," because no one can take it
from me. It is for me to give away. When
I do so, it hurts.
I do it, in order to please others.
I do it, in order to be liked.
I do it, to avoid conflict.
I do it, to get something that I want,
which at the moment seems more
important.
 I do it, when I am tired of the
"struggle" and go to "sleep," becoming
unconscious, leaving the "gate"
unguarded.
This is when I will lapse into old
habits, old ways of thinking and being. I
do this so automatically that I don't even
notice when I am doing it. I usually only
notice it, when I feel the pain and
discomfort that comes from being out of
"integrity" with my "TRUE" self.
Getting out of integrity is easy.
Getting back into integrity is another
story. You know that you are out of
integrity, because you feel bad. You
might feel afraid, doubtful, guilty,
resentful, depressed, lonely, rejected,
and a host of other negative emotions.
These are the signposts that tell us when
we are off course. We feel bad because
we are out of integrity, but many of us
have become so used to feeling bad, that
we begin to think that this is who we are,
that this is our identity. We might not
even realize that we are out of integrity,
because we have lost all awareness of
our "spirit," our essence. All that we
know is that we feel bad. Something just
isn't right. We might even believe that it
is "us" that isn't right, that something is
wrong with "us."
Before we can get back into
"integrity" with our "TRUE" selves, our
spirits, we must become clear on who
we really are. I realized in my own
journey that I had lost my awareness and
connection to my "spirit." As a result,
like most of us I suspect, I was living out
of integrity and as such I was not able to
access my power and live in my
"greatness." I was living in the place of
ego, driven by the beliefs, thoughts,
emotions, and actions that kept me
separate.
Ego told me I wasn't "enough."
Ego told me that I needed to do
more, achieve more, and have more to
be "enough."
Ego told me to "play it safe."
I didn't even comprehend that I was
out of integrity, because I was so
enmeshed with my Ego that I thought that
this was who "I" was. I guess, in a
sense, I was in perfect "integrity" with
my "false" self or ego. I call this "false"
integrity, when people totally identify
with ego, when they completely lose
awareness of "spirit" and "sell out" to
ego. I see it every day. We might even
call it the "human condition." It is
certainly the way most men are raised.
Because we are all programmed to
follow the "book" and to live by it, we
are taught the lessons that lead us away
from our "TRUE" selves and put us fully
in the grasp of our ego. We never saw it
coming, because we never knew any
better. As small children, we were full
of spirit, but we were indoctrinated into
the ego world the moment we were born.
We didn't stand a chance.
From that moment on, we were
systematically programmed how to live
in the world of ego. Expressions of our
"spirits" were routinely met with
punishment and ridicule designed to
crush our "spirits" and further
indoctrinate us into ego world.
Expressions of our "uniqueness" and
differences were usually met with some
form of wrath. We were educated in a
system that required us to "fit" into the
"box" and to follow the "book."
Mass production does not allow for
difference. In fact, if a product doesn't
match the "specs," then it is considered
"defective" and is discarded. There is
little tolerance or room for "difference"
within most families, schools, churches,
or other mass production institutions. We
cannot escape the grips of our ego-based
systems.
There are those who refuse to
follow the "program." They follow their
own "drumbeat," but they are usually
shamed and ridiculed or considered
"weird." They are the outcasts. Attempts
are made to rein them back into the
"fold," and they are made to feel bad for
being their authentic selves.
I believe that this is the primary
cause of most depression, anxiety, and
emotional turmoil. In my work, I see
countless people who are experiencing
some form of emotional turmoil, and
what seems to be true, in almost every
case, is that they have gotten "stuck" in
the clutches of ego and lost awareness of
their "spirit." The turmoil comes from
the dissonance between following the
"book" and living in "spirit." Like many
of us, their "spirits" want and need to be
expressed but they are too afraid to do
so. They are afraid of the ramifications
and perceived consequences of doing so,
or they have no idea how to do this.
I have been living from the ego
place for most of my life. I didn't even
realize that I had been doing so, because
I had no real understanding or awareness
of the difference between ego and
"spirit," the authentic and "TRUE" self. I
was living from my "head" and not from
my "heart." It's not that I was without
feeling. I felt love, compassion, and
moments of joy and happiness, but those
experiences were temporary and driven
by old beliefs and programming.
Coming from my "head" meant that I
was enslaved by my "false" self (ego)
that distorted my way of being. In a
sense, I was an actor in the movie of my
life, but I was not the director or writer
of the script. I was deluded and distorted
by my ego-based belief system that had
been installed, like software on a
computer, from birth. Throughout my
childhood, I was instilled with a way of
perceiving and thinking about things that
was based on generations of thinking and
believing that dictated the "best" path.
I never questioned the "book," at
least on the deepest levels. Even as I
began to arrive at a better intellectual
understanding of things, I couldn't apply
this understanding to myself. There is a
saying, "We teach best what we most
need to know" (author Richard Bach). I
am a perfect example of that concept. I
knew things and could see things in
others that I couldn't see in me, or at
least apply to myself. There was a
several-year gap between my
intellectual understanding, which was
still evolving, and my awakening to
"spirit," which to me is defined as
coming to awareness of my "TRUE" and
authentic self that was "divinely" created
and connected to everything. A few
years ago, I couldn't have told you what
that meant, intellectually maybe, but not
from my "soul," the place of truth.
How I came to awareness of my
"TRUE" self, the difference between ego
and "spirit," was through a series of
encounters and experiences that led me
to what is called an "aha" moment. My
life had gotten to the point where I had
lost, or was about to lose, everything
that I had worked so hard to achieve and
acquire—all the things that my ego-
based life had "programmed" me to do.
Of course, it was all self-inflicted, but I
hadn't yet come to this awareness.
As my ego-based world was
crashing down around me, and the threat
of a total collapse loomed on the
horizon, I was nearing a "nuclear
meltdown." I was in such turmoil that I
would literally sit and shake. My mind,
still engrossed in its ego-based way of
thinking, was trying to solve a problem
for which there did not seem to be a
solution. Like an animal that is being
chased by a predator, I was looking for
an escape route. Before, I could always
"think" my way out, but now I was
unable to do what I had always done.
When it seemed like "escape" was not
possible, I froze. When I say that I froze,
I mean that I literally could not move. I
felt totally helpless, but my mind would
not stop, and that is when it happened.
 Some might call it a moment of
"surrender." The Twelve Steps of
Alcoholics Anonymous is based on this
principle. It is the moment where one
surrenders or let's go of their ego or
self-centered way of being and comes to
an awareness of something greater than
the "self" (ego), a higher power. I never
quite "got" that concept before; I guess
because I had never experienced it.
In what seemed like a moment of
clarity, everything started to slow down
in my mind and in my body. I cannot say
that I felt totally calm, yet there was a
sense of peace and inner "knowing" that
everything would be "okay." It was one
of those moments where I felt that I was
"outside" of my "self" looking at me as I
sat frozen in my chair. It was an
experience similar to what I felt when I
was in the "zone" while I was helping
others. Now it was being directed
toward me.
That is when I realized that there
was a "ME," what I later defined as my
"TRUE" self, looking at "me," my
"false" self or ego. This "ME" told the
"me" that everything was going to be all
right in the end. The "ME" told the "me"
that was sitting frozen in the chair to
"Chill out and get a grip." I started to
realize that I couldn't keep on being the
way that I was or I wouldn't be able to
function. I started to think to my "self"
how I could stay calm and centered in
the face of adversity. I then thought, "I
would like to be more like that,"
referring to the "ME" who felt peaceful
and strong, instead of how I had been,
referring to the "me" who was afraid and
frozen.
Having arrived at an awareness of
this other "ME," and for the moment
letting go of my ego, I realized that there
was a "ME" who was peaceful and
calm, one who was connected to a
source or power greater than the "me"
who was depressed, anxious, and sitting
frozen in the chair. I sat and meditated on
what I wanted and how I wanted to "be."
I felt calm and relieved, as if all the
adversity that I was facing had
disappeared. I envisioned myself
already on the other side. Like a sailor
who was facing a terrible storm, I saw
myself already in the calm waters on the
other side of the storm.
In that moment, things began to shift.
I saw what I wanted and what I intended,
as if it had already happened. During the
next several months, any time I found
myself feeling worried, anxious, or
depressed I just thought about this image
of the storm and of being on the other
side. Almost immediately I would feel
calmer and more centered. Eventually
the "storm" in my life did pass, and I
came through it, just as I had envisioned.
I thought to myself how awful this
experience would have been if I had
remained frozen, anxious, and
overwhelmed. I thought maybe the
outcome would have been different if
that were so.
Having had the experience and
remembering other "storms" I had been
through and survived, along with this
newfound awareness of a "ME" set me
on a path that has completely altered my
life. I started to question, "Who is this
"ME"? or using better English, "Who am
I?" I now was starting to understand that
who I thought "I" was, wasn't "ME" at
all. I had become so conditioned to
being the person who my ego said I was,
in short that I was "not enough."
I had little to no awareness of
anything else. I embarked on a quest to
find out who "I" was at my deepest
level, my "TRUE" or authentic self. I
realized that how I had perceived
(thinking and feeling) of my "self" was
actually how I became when I wasn't
being my "TRUE" self. Certainly my
"TRUE" self wasn't needy, anxious,
depressed, and shameful. I kind of knew
that already on some level, but had not
yet quite grasped this concept. The thing
that was missing was the awareness and
understanding of who "I" was. It was
easy to describe how I became, when "I"
wasn't being my "TRUE" self, but who
was "I" really?
I had the idea to get a sheet of paper
and list the characteristics that described
my "TRUE" self, my "spirit." I
challenged myself to come up with at
least ten characteristics that described
my "TRUE" self. I quickly came up with
two or three, but then I got stuck. I
couldn't come up with ten things that
described "ME." Wow! What an
awakening that was.
On top of that, I looked at my list of
how I became when I wasn't being my
"TRUE" self—the negatives if you will
—and I had listed at least fifteen things,
which I was able to do without much
thought or effort. I then sat and thought,
pondered, and meditated. Eventually a
few more positive things came to mind,
which I added to my list, but I still
couldn't come up with the ten items. It
took at least three or four full days of
struggling with this list to come up with
the first ten items. How had I gotten so
far away from my "TRUE" self? How
had I become so focused on the
"negatives" that I identified more with
them than with my "TRUE" self?
Something amazing happened once I
completed the first ten items on the list.
It was like my mind shifted gears and
had been cleared, as the words began to
flow from deep inside my "soul." I
couldn't stop writing, first one more,
then another, and yet another. As of this
writing, I now have more than thirty
items on my list, and the list is growing
every day. What I started to see was that
I wasn't "being" these things, but was
instead "being" what I became when I
was not being my "TRUE" self. I had
been living in the false "self" of the ego,
the place behind the mask.
Getting back into integrity and
staying in integrity with my TRUE self
has been a day-to-day struggle. I have to
be constantly vigilant. It is so easy to fall
prey to my ego. When I go about the day-
to-day activities of living, I tend to
become unaware. I get caught up in the
doing and forget to "be." I found that I
have to find ways to remind myself to
"wake up" and become present. I have to
monitor my thoughts and feelings in
order to not get "lost."
I am a thinker. I think a lot.
Sometimes I get so absorbed in my
thoughts that I become disconnected with
what is happening in the present moment.
I did this the other day when I was
driving to a meeting. I was thinking
about the meeting and a host of other
things. I was so absorbed that I drove
past my exit and didn't even notice it,
until I had gone several exits past the
one that I was supposed to take. It was a
reminder of how easy it is to become
unaware.
Being in integrity with my "TRUE"
self is cause for me to feel peaceful and
happy. There is no sense of time, and
there are no worries of the future. When
I am in this "state of mind," I feel
creative and inspired (in spirit). Living
in spirit in an ego-based world is
difficult, at best. I must constantly be
aware of my current state of mind, and I
must make the necessary adjustments to
bring myself back into integrity with my
"TRUE" self.
 If I am in a negative mood, or if I
am reacting to something or someone in
my external environment, I can easily
slip into my ego-based thinking. This
seems to happen to me so automatically,
that I don't often catch myself. This
happens to me especially with the issue
of money. I never seem to have enough.
When it comes to paying bills or
spending money, I have an anxiety attack.
I can quickly move from a state of peace
and happiness to a state of fear and
shame, all triggered by money, or at least
what I have been "programmed" to
believe about it.
As I have been examining my
beliefs about money, I started to realize
that what triggers me the most is my old
belief that "I am not enough." I was
programmed to believe that to be
"successful" and "happy" I must achieve,
acquire, and accumulate. The measure of
"success" equated to the amount of
money that I earned and the amount of
"things" that I acquired. I had been taught
to believe that happiness was the result
of hard work and that if I was
"successful," then happiness would be
my reward. This way of thinking led me
to a great deal of unhappiness. The more
that I had, the more that I earned, and the
more that I acquired, the more unhappy I
seemed to be.
I have since learned that while
"success" can bring me moments of
happiness and fulfillment, it is not the
lasting feeling that I have been seeking.
That lasting sense of happiness and
fulfillment only seems to come when I
am "being" my "TRUE" self. It is in
those moments when I am learning,
creating, or experiencing something new
that I am in a state of mind that is in
integrity with my "TRUE" self. In this
state of mind, time passes without
awareness. My mind is quiet, and I am
not consumed by my thoughts or
emotions. In this state, there is no fear,
doubt, shame, guilt, anger, or other
"negative" emotion.
I call this "journey" the "Road to
Wholeness," because I believe that we
are all on a similar "journey." Each of us
has within us an authentic or "TRUE"
self waiting to emerge. No matter what
has happened to us, we are all capable
of becoming "whole." In fact, we are
already "whole," but we have not been
taught how to access what already lies
dormant within.
My own personal "journey" hasn't
been an easy one. There have been many
"roadblocks" that I have had to be
overcome. I guess this is part of the
process. I am excited to tell you about
my path to "wholeness," because I want
for you to become "whole" and become
your "TRUE" self. I know that together
we can make this happen, and that your
life and the lives of those you encounter
will be better as a result.

"The spiritual journey is individual,

highly personal. It can't be organized
or regulated.
It isn't true that everyone should follow
one path. Listen to your own truth."
—Ram Dass
"The Ego, however, is not who you
really are. The ego is your self-image;
it is your social mask; it is the role that
you are playing. You social mask
thrives on approval.
It wants control and is sustained by
power, because it lives in fear."
—Deepak Chopra
 Roadblocks to
Wholeness
"Knowing your own darkness is the
best method for dealing with the
darknesses of other people."
—Carl Jung
"The secret of life though, is to fall
seven times and to get up eight times."
—Paulo Coelho
Having realized that I was the
product of old "programming," I began
to question much of what I believed to
be true. I had thought that I was fairly
well put together. I was so out of touch
with my "TRUE" self and under the
"spell" of the "book" that I couldn't see
that I was following a "script" that
wasn't written by me. All I knew was
that I wasn't happy, and I kept looking
outside myself to find things that would
fill the void within. It was done so
automatically that I wasn't even aware of
the void. In fact, if you had asked me, I
would have said that I had my act fairly
well together. I guess I did on the outside
(the mask), but on the inside (behind the
mask) I was a mess.
I would have described myself as
an emotionally whole person. In reality,
I was operating as an emotional "half"
person. This is the term that I use to
describe those of us who lose awareness
of our "TRUE" selves and start looking
outside ourselves for happiness and
fulfillment. Think for a moment of the
word "fulfilled." It means "filled full." I
needed to find things outside myself to
feel complete (full). I did this with
relationships, things, and achievements. I
looked for others to fill the void that I
perceived was within. This left me in an
endless pattern of seeking—finding—
and seeking more. Like an addict, I
needed to get my next "fix" as soon as
the "drug" wore off.
So what is it that keeps us from
becoming emotionally whole people?
What are the roadblocks that keep us
from happiness and fulfillment? I have
spent the past several years on my own
personal journey toward emotional
wholeness. It has been an amazing and
often painful experience. I have realized
that the roadblocks to my happiness,
success, and personal fulfillment have,
for the most part, been self-inflicted.
They have been the result of my old
"programming." Old beliefs and thinking
fueled negative emotions and behaviors
that kept me stuck or caused me to do
things that sabotaged my progress.
We might say that I needed to do
exactly what I did at the time, to get to
where I am now. We might say that I
needed to learn the "lessons" of life.
That might be true, but it cost me dearly.
I wish I would have "awakened" much
earlier. It would have saved me from a
great deal of heartache and turmoil. I am
writing this book in hopes of helping
others to awaken and to avoid the
pitfalls of their old "programming,"
sooner rather than later.
One of my biggest obstacles was
that I believed that my happiness would
come from something or someone
outside myself. I kept on believing that if
I had "this or that," I would be happy.
My life was focused on acquiring things.
Once I acquired something, I felt happy
or satisfied for a brief time, but that
feeling would always wear off after a
while. I did the same thing with my
relationships. I would pick partners who
I believed were "safe." People who I
thought would not reject me or abandon
me. The irony is that they all did.
While I left them physically, they
had already left me emotionally, just like
I felt with my mother. I did not give
much conscious thought as to why I was
picking these partners. I allowed my
subconscious mind, the automatic,
habitual part of the mind, to do the
picking. As a result, I eventually became
dissatisfied, and I kept creating what I
feared the most. What I didn't realize
was that there was no partner who could
provide me with what I needed. That
was my job, but I did not know that at
the time.
My dissatisfaction was not with my
partners. It was with me. I kept looking
outside myself to find what was missing
within. Like an addict, I would get my
"fix" from people or things, only to need
another "fix" when the effects wore off. I
had no awareness that this was
happening until I "woke up" and saw a
trail of debt and failed relationships. I
sincerely apologize to everyone who
might have been hurt by my
"unconsciousness."
When I "woke up," I realized that I
was still unhappy and unfulfilled. I had
everything that I seemingly "wanted" and
that I was supposed to have, and yet it
wasn't enough. This is when I
discovered that what I was really feeling
was that "I" was not enough. My old
"programming," my hard wiring, was
full of distorted beliefs that left me
feeling shame, doubt, and fear. I
habitually replicated experiences in my
life that predictably produced the results
that supported my distorted view of
myself. I was creating my own reality,
but was doing so without any real
conscious awareness that this was what
was happening.
It was easier to blame my situation
or to blame others for my predicaments.
I could only explain my circumstances
through the lens of my distorted thinking.
My mind could only draw the conclusion
that I was getting what I "deserved,"
because I wasn't "good enough." This is
the story that I was telling myself,
internally, and living out, externally. It
was as if I was gathering proof to
support my thinking and to explain what
kept happening in my life. It wasn't until
I realized that I was doing this to myself,
and what I was searching for was
already within me.
Now it began to make sense, and I
started reading everything I could get my
hands on. Guess what? These books
were saying the same things that I had
been thinking. In essence, happiness and
fulfillment come from within, and we
already have everything we need. We
just have to remove the roadblocks that
are keeping us from being who we really
are at our core. This means that we have
to stop what we are doing and take a
hard look at how we are being. We have
to look at what we are creating through
our thoughts and emotions. It sounds so
simple. All we have to do is change our
minds.
Wayne Dyer has said, "If you change
the way that you look at things, the things
that you look at change." This is so true.
By changing our minds, we start
thinking, feeling, and behaving
differently, which produces different
results. If we continue to do what we
have always done, then we will continue
to get what we have always had. I
believe that it was physicist-philosopher
Albert Einstein who said that the
definition of insanity is "doing the same
thing over and over and expecting
different results."
When I sat back and looked at how
my life was working, or not working, I
began to think about what I really
wanted as a man. As I began to list all
the things that I wanted for myself, I
realized that I already had many of the
things that I wanted, but there were
roadblocks that kept me from
recognizing them. My primary
roadblocks were fear, doubt, and shame.
Running up against them kept me "stuck."
Somehow I knew that if I continued
thinking, feeling, and behaving the way
that I always had, then I would continue
running into the same types of situations,
relationships, and experiences and
getting the same predictable results.
I made a list of the things that were
keeping me "stuck" in a state of
unhappiness and dissatisfaction. It
became painfully obvious that what was
keeping me stuck was not coming from
the outside, but from within. The
roadblocks that I was putting in my path
to happiness and success were based on
my own limiting beliefs, thoughts, and
emotions.
After making that list, I started to
make another list of the qualities and
characteristics that define who I am as a
man. While I was making this list, I
started to feel a sense of peace and joy
rising up from within. It was like I was
looking into an invisible mirror and
seeing a reflection of who I really was,
my essence. Seeing this reflection
immediately caused me to feel exactly as
I had desired. It was like the sense of joy
that one feels when they see a long-lost
friend.
That is when I got it! I felt so good
when I was just being the "real" me. I
was feeling a sense of perfect alignment
with my essence, my "TRUE" self, and I
was finally in integrity. It became clear
to me that when I was feeling out of
integrity, I became stuck. Being stuck
caused me to feel bad.
It was like a lightbulb went on for
me. When I wasn't being authentic and
true, I became everything that I hated
about myself. I had been thinking that if
people knew who I really was, then they
wouldn't want anything to do with me. In
this state of mind, I was full of self-
doubt and self-loathing. I felt weak and
powerless. I was full of fear and shame.
I became that scared little boy. This was
how I became when I was out of
integrity with my "TRUE" self. All I had
to do was be my "TRUE" self, and I felt
fine. When I was not being my "TRUE"
self, then I felt bad. I had it all
backward! I had formed an identity
around my "false" self, and feeling bad
was the consequence of not being in
integrity with my "TRUE" self.
I began to realize that there were so
many of us who have been
"programmed" to believe that feeling
bad meant that something was "wrong"
with us—that somehow we were
defective or broken and not "enough."
We were never taught to recognize our
"TRUE" selves. We were never taught to
realize that we are special and unique
and share a common bond and
connection.
How do we come to the point where
we lose awareness of our "TRUE"
selves and begin to believe that there is
something "missing" inside? At what
point do we start looking outside
ourselves to find what we perceive to be
missing within? When do the roadblocks
develop that seem to impede our
progress, happiness, and success?
 For me, I believe that I started to
look outside myself when I was a young
child. This is when I somehow got the
idea that it was my job to make everyone
else happy. My "failure" to always do
so, left me feeling inadequate and
ashamed. This is when I began to feel
something was "missing" inside. Maybe
this is why I developed an ulcer when I
was just eight years old.
The more I thought about these
questions, the more I started to realize
that when I wasn't being my "TRUE"
self, I did not feel whole or complete.
When I was being my "TRUE" self, I
did. This is when I began to
conceptualize what I called "emotional
wholeness."
What we all strive for is to feel
happy, contented, and fulfilled. When we
feel this way, then we are emotionally
"whole." When we do not feel this way,
then we are less than "whole." I call this
state of mind, "being a half." Being a
"half" means that we have not
recognized our "TRUE" self and from
that we come to believe and feel that
something is missing within us.
 There are many "halfs" out there.
These are men (and women) who
believe that something is missing inside
and who are looking for what is
"missing" outside themselves. These are
men engaging in the same habitual
patterns of thinking, feeling, and
behaving that are keeping them
perpetually stuck and unable to move
forward. Stuck and unable to create—
unable to be who they truly are; unable
to realize their distinct purpose in life;
unfulfilled in their jobs, in their
relationships, and in their personal life.
They are men engaging in self-
destructive patterns of behavior that
become like "drugs," compelling the
person to continue seeking the "high" that
temporarily comes from the next person
or the next thing.
The worst thing about this for me
was the realization that I was a "half." I
thought I had my self fairly well put
together. I was educated and successful
by most standards. I had accomplished
many personal goals and had acquired
many wonderful things, yet inside I still
did not feel a sense of happiness and
fulfillment. I kept doing things by "the
book," thinking that my unhappiness was
the result of not being good "enough." I
believed in the "book" and because of
my Midwestern, conservative
upbringing, I strived to follow the
"book" to a T. I believed that by doing
so, happiness would soon follow.
The more I tried to follow "the
book," the unhappier I became. I viewed
my unhappiness as my inadequacy. If
following "the book" was supposed to
lead to happiness, then my inability to
feel happy must mean that there was
something wrong with "me." At that
point I had not realized that "the book"
wasn't written for "me." It wasn't until
much later that I realized that it was up
to me to write my own story and create
my own life, even if it meant going
against the "book" and risking the wrath
of others, who judged me for doing so. I
was so focused on pleasing everyone
else that I never thought about what I
wanted for "me." That would be
"selfish."
I thought if I could make everyone
else happy, then I would be happy. This
approach worked fairly well, or so I
thought. I was actually really good at it. I
became perceptive and intuitive in
reading what other people needed or
wanted and took on the "job" of making
things happen. What I didn't realize was
that this was an exercise in futility.
There was no way that I could make
everyone happy, that was their job. Yet I
persisted with that belief and blamed
myself for any shortcomings and
"failures" to provide what I believed I
was supposed to provide.
I never considered what I wanted or
needed. If I did, then I was accused of
being selfish or self-centered. I believed
them and felt guilty and ashamed. I am
sure that if you asked those people, they
would describe me as someone who was
selfish and self-centered. Maybe I was,
because when I finally couldn't contain
"me," I would become angry, resentful,
and "selfish" by doing what I thought
was best for me, not always in a good
way. I was not in "integrity" with my
"TRUE" self and when I felt enough
"pain," I would make the necessary
adjustments needed to relieve the pain,
causing a tidal wave of disruption in my
life and the lives of others in my world.
It would have been much easier if I had
been in "integrity" in the first place.
Then I wouldn't have had to cause this
disruption.
Things came together in a "perfect
storm" around the time I turned fifty
years old. I had always thought that the
concept of a "mid-life crisis" was a myth
or an excuse, until I found myself smack
dab in the middle of one. Focused on
achieving and acquiring things and
believing that happiness would follow
when I got them, I set a goal for myself
of getting my doctorate degree by the
time I was fifty. I was doing well in my
career and I was holding my own
financially. I could even afford to lease
my "dream" car, a Mercedes
convertible. I had it all!
I worked diligently on my doctoral
dissertation project and on its
completion, I would be ready to receive
my degree. As I walked to the stage to
receive my degree, I felt a sense of pride
and accomplishment, like an addict feels
a "rush" after taking a drug. I did it, yet
my "rush" was almost instantly followed
by a sense of shame. I felt both excited
and ashamed at the same time. I almost
couldn't say the word "doctor." I was a
"doctor," yet I somehow didn't feel that I
deserved the title.
It took months, maybe years
afterward, to feel comfortable calling
myself "doctor." In the aftermath of
receiving my degree, there were
celebrations and congratulations, yet I
felt like I wasn't there to absorb and
experience the joy I "should" be feeling.
I felt myself sinking into a deep sadness.
The only way that I can describe what
followed is that it was like I was falling
off a cliff, which I didn't see coming.
There were no warning signs,
"Beware," and I just started to fall into
an abyss.
I became depressed and lost all
interest in things. I became restless, and
I felt misplaced. I thought, "What now?"
I couldn't relish the moment. I felt little
to no gratitude for what I had
accomplished. As I looked at my life, at
what I had acquired, and what I had
accomplished, I found no real joy or
pleasure in any of those things. To make
matters worse, my wife of fourteen years
had begun to pull away from me. In
retrospect, how could I blame her? I
wasn't present, and neither was she. I
blamed myself, and I blamed her. I was
at the "peak" of my life, and yet I was
feeling miserable.
Let me say right now to all the men
out there, "BEWARE." There is a cliff
out there, and you are heading toward it.
You probably don't even know it.
You might be feeling unsettled and
dissatisfied.
You are probably unhappy and
discontent with your life.
You are blaming everyone and
everything for your unhappiness.
You might be taking out your
frustrations on your spouse, your family,
your colleagues, and everyone in your
life.
You might find yourself fantasizing
about "greener" pastures with
relationships or your job.
You might be seeking to reinvent
and re-experience your youth.
You might be isolating and
withdrawing from those closest to you.
You might be feeling restless or
uneasy.
You might find that fantasies of
"escaping" it all and running away
become more prominent in your thinking.
You might find yourself drinking
more or engaging in risk-taking
behaviors.
You might find yourself questioning
your life and feeling like you have
"failed" the test.
As the depression worsened, I
started to become cynical and resentful
at everyone and everything. I "hated" my
life, and most of all I "hated" me. I was
totally unconscious, not present in my
life, caught up in my "stuff." I could call
it an awakening, or maybe it was a
beginning. At the time I didn't realize it,
but this was the next chapter of my
personal journey unfolding in front of
me. It was becoming increasingly clear
that my life thus far—how I had been
thinking, feeling, and acting for the last
fifty years—wasn't working and was
about to come to an end. Now at this
point, some men might consider suicide,
while others might toss it all and run
away. They leave their jobs, spouses,
and everything behind and start over
again. In retrospect, I was fortunate to
have chosen the latter.
Now I had experienced adversity
before in my life. A divorce, a move
across the country, and the loss of a job
(ok, I got fired) all taught me that what
seemed like the worst experiences in my
life, often turned into the best. I had
learned not to judge things as "good" or
"bad," because there always seemed to
be growth and opportunity in every
crisis situation. In fact, I recall that the
Chinese definition of "crisis" means both
danger and opportunity. Nonetheless, I
was at a point in my life where I was in
what seemed like the biggest "crisis" I
had ever faced.
I found myself looking at my life
and wondering what it was all about. I
was questioning everything, yet I didn't
have any answers. I later realized that I
was asking the wrong questions. As I got
more depressed and confused, I decided
to "chuck it" all, or most of it. I got a
divorce and gave up all of my "things,"
thinking that was the problem. I got into
another relationship and then another.
My friends, family, and even my ex-wife
thought I had gone insane, and maybe I
had. They tried to stop me from making
the decisions that I was making, but I
wouldn't listen to them.
On one level I knew what I was
doing was wrong, and on another level I
didn't care. I could say that this was all
perfectly part of my process, something
that I needed to go through to get to
where I am now, but at the time, it was
just irresponsible. As I write this, it
occurs to me that I was always super
responsible. All of my life, since
childhood, I was the "responsible" one. I
was following the "book," being a
"good" boy. I guess I finally had had
enough! What had it gotten me? I still
wasn't happy. I still didn't feel whole
and complete. I thought, "To hell with it
all!"
During this time, I was completely
unaware. I remember having severe
anxiety. I would wake up in the morning
and just shake violently. I didn't feel
right and I knew it, but I refused to listen
to all of my internal alarms that were
trying to warn me that there were
dangerous "rocks" ahead. I was steering
the "ship" into the "rocks," and I didn't
care. I didn't want to listen to the alarms
that were getting louder and stronger by
the day.
Like an "addict," I was in denial
and refusing to acknowledge the pain
and agony that I was experiencing. I had
no idea how to live my life without the
"book." What was I supposed to do? It
was getting worse, instead of better. I
was desperately searching for the things
that would end my pain and bring me
happiness and fulfillment. What I had
wasn't enough, and what I had given up
wasn't enough either. I still wasn't happy.
Finally when I started to come to my
senses, I began to realize that I wasn't
going to find what I needed outside
myself. It was one of those "aha"
moments when the lightbulb went on. I
wish that it had been that simple. In all
truth, it was like I slammed into the
ground from the fall off the cliff. I had
been falling for all this time and didn't
even know it. As you might expect, the
"ground" was hard, and the result was
quite painful.
Some might call it "hitting bottom,"
which is certainly what it felt like. I
wasn't quite done, however. I jumped
right back into a relationship and used it
to make me feel "whole" and
"complete." As you might have guessed,
it was the equivalent of jumping from the
frying pan into the fire. Of course, it
ended badly, and this experience took
me to a new level of low. I can laugh a
bit now, as the lyrics from an old blues
song come to mind, "I was so low, I had
to look up to tie my shoelaces." At the
time, it didn't seem funny at all.
As I sat by myself, alone in my new
apartment with no furniture and only a
borrowed mattress on the floor, I
realized that I had never in my life lived
alone. I had always been in a
relationship. I believed that I needed a
companion to be "complete." I became
aware that I kept selecting partners who
were fulfilling my missing "half." As
long as I kept doing this, I was only
replicating every past experience and
relationship that I had ever had.
After coming to this awareness, I
began the process of change that I have
outlined in this book. The process wasn't
easy, and it took a lot of effort. I enlisted
the help of several trusted friends,
colleagues, therapists, and "teachers,"
but, in the end, I had to do this for
myself. What I knew on an intellectual
level now had to be applied on a
subconscious level. I was having what
many call a "spiritual awakening."
 I was starting to understand that
everything I had been looking for outside
myself, I already had within. As I started
to ask the "right" questions, the answers
started to flow like a river that had just
gotten freed from a logjam. The
questions that I began to ask myself
were,
"Who am I?"
"What is my purpose?" and
"What do I want?"
I began to write, and I began to
pray. I wasn't praying for something
specific, as I had been taught as a child,
but praying for clarity, peace, and
wisdom. The more I wrote, and the more
that I prayed, the more things began to
flow. The things that I had been seeking
were already there.
Then one night, I had a dream. It
was so vivid that it caused me to
awaken. Now I am one who almost
never remembers my dreams. In fact, I
have never put much stock in the
meaning and power of dreams, although
there is much literature written to the
contrary. In this case, however, I was
having a life-changing experience. It was
like I had tapped into the infinite
"intelligence." All of a sudden, the
"meaning" of life became clear. It was a
profound experience, to say the least.
I am not sure if I was awake or still
asleep. I guess I was somewhere in
between. I was thinking about the
purpose and meaning of all life. I started
to think about the purpose of animals,
trees, insects, plants, and humans. Then I
started to think about the planets, stars,
and the universe. What came to me was
one word, "ENERGY"! Everything is
energy. Everything in the universe is
energy and the purpose of all life is to
consume and transform energy. I am
nothing but pure energy in human form.
Now this might or might not be
news to you, but, for me, it was a
revelation. If I am energy, and this
energy is everywhere and in everything,
then I am "everything." If I am
"everything," then I have the power to
transform that energy into whatever is
best for the "whole." I realized that I
was not "less than," but "greater than: I
could ever imagine. My conditioning and
"programming" had caused me to move
away from this awareness, and my
"growth" had arrested. I started to
believe that what I needed lay outside
myself. This path led me to depend on
people and things. I looked to those
things to fill the void that I had been
feeling within.
I had to find a way to become
"whole" and to find on the inside what I
had been seeking on the outside. What
had gotten in my way was what Wayne
Dyer calls EGO (Edging God Out). The
ego is the "false" self—the part that
makes us think we are separate from
everything else; the part that tells us that
we must have more, be better, be
successful, and win at all cost; the part
that says that our value as people is
measured by how much we have, how
much we earn, what we do, and what we
achieve.
My ego was alive and well! I had
been conditioned to believe that all these
things were what measured who I was as
a person, and I believed that I was
falling short of the mark. I never had
enough, because my ego kept telling me
that it wanted more. It left me in a state
of frustration, feeling that I was
inadequate and "less than." No matter
what I had, what I achieved, what I
acquired, it was never enough! The only
conclusion that I could draw was that I
was not "enough."
What follows is my journey to
"wholeness." The processes and
exercises that are outlined in this book
are the ones that I developed and used
for my own personal transformation. I
have since used them successfully with
many of my clients and now I wish to
share them with you. I am convinced that
if you use them, you will transform from
the person that you have been into the
person that you have wanted to be and
that you have always been inside. I
believe that you will find the happiness,
peace, success, and fulfillment that you
desire. From this place, all things are
possible.
I am not telling you that my path to
"wholeness" is the right path, nor is it
the only path. There are many, as I have
found. But I also found that my journey
was a personal one, and that no book,
teacher, therapist, or sage could do the
work for me. They were guides, along
my path and trail markers, who told me
that I was on track. When I would read
something, hear something, or
experience something that resonated
within me, then I knew intuitively that I
was going in the right direction. It is that
internal "GPS" system that resides in the
subconscious mind that always knows
what is best and will always point us in
the right direction. When we feel lost, it
is only because we haven't listened.
I don't know if I am an "expert," and
I am not sure that I am saying anything
new in this book, but I do know that I
have a message to deliver to the world
that must be delivered. If I help one
person find their way to "wholeness,"
then I have succeeded. My ego wants to
place doubts in my mind. It says, "No
one will read your book." It screams in
my head, "Who do you think you are?"
Now I just laugh and move forward.
That voice no longer has any power,
unless I feed it by not being my "TRUE"
self. Now I can answer that question.
 When the voice screams, "Who do
you think you are?"
I answer it, powerfully, "I am the
one who creates miracles by
transforming darkness into light."
Whew! I feel tingles in my body as I
write this. Isn't this being grandiose? No
it isn't. If "I am" everything, and if
everything is within me, then I have the
power to do exactly that. My ego and the
ego of others is designed to keep me
small. I will no longer give egos (mine
or others) any power over me. When you
become "whole" then you will feel the
same way.

"In the middle of every difficulty lies

opportunity."
—Albert Einstein
"We do not heal the past by dwelling
there; we heal the past by living fully in
the present."
—Marianne Williamson
"Energy, like you, has no beginning and
no end.
It can never be destroyed. It is only
ever shifting states."
—Panache Desai
 Finding Your
Roadblocks
"If you change the way you look at
things, the things you look at change."
—Wayne W. Dyer
You might be wondering how you
can determine if you are lacking
emotional "wholeness." In my own self-
exploration, I had to examine the beliefs,
feelings, and behaviors that were at the
core of my "operating" system. These
were the habits and patterns, ways of
thinking, feeling, and behaving that
fueled my lack of happiness and
fulfillment. As I have already stated, I
realized that I was seeking approval,
acceptance, and fulfillment from others
and from things outside myself.
I was driven by beliefs that caused
me to depend on relationships,
achievements, and "stuff" to attain
temporary satisfaction. I was driven by
fear, shame, and self-doubt. This left me
in a perpetual pattern of failed
relationships, rejection, and financial
hardship. I was locked into a way of
thinking about things and going about the
business of my life that was keeping me
"stuck" in an endless loop, that by design
was creating and reinforcing my sense of
inadequacy.
My inability to recognize these
patterns and to break free from them only
furthered my belief that I was not
"enough," and that there was something
wrong with me. At the time I didn't even
know I was doing this to myself. I had no
conscious awareness that I was creating
my own reality, and that my inability to
change the outcomes of my experiences
was the direct result of my distorted way
of looking at things.
It seems so simple, now that I have
learned all I had to do was change the
way I thought about and perceived things
to be. I had to change the way I did
things and consciously go out of my way
to respond differently than I was used to
doing. You might say that I had become
comfortably uncomfortable. I was going
to have to break out of my comfort
"zone" and try on a new way of being.
Breaking a habit is not easy.
Obviously the first step is recognizing
that the habit is no longer useful and has
become problematic. This alone might
take a long time to surface into our
awareness. We cannot change something
that we do not recognize needs changing.
Sometimes we just do not have any
awareness that there is a need to change.
Other times, we are uncomfortable, but
in a state of denial that a change is
necessary. In the end, we cannot change
something until we are ready to do so.
We might resist change, even when we
realize it would be useful, and we might
procrastinate for a long time before we
take action. I have learned that this is all
part of the process of change. Do not
give up, and do not be discouraged by
this. We can break old habits and create
new ones that are more beneficial to our
well-being.
I had a client once who came to me
desiring to lose weight and eliminate his
cravings for sweet sugary foods. We did
several things to accomplish this goal
and in the end he achieved the outcome
he desired. About two weeks into the
process, he came to see me and was
disappointed and discouraged. He felt
that he had "failed" and was ready to
give up. I asked him what had happened
that caused him to think in this way.
He replied, "I knew better, but,
when I walked past the refrigerator, I
grabbed a piece of cake without thinking
about it. Before I knew what was
happening, I had finished the cake." I
smiled and told him not to fret. He had
not "failed." What had happened was
that his subconscious mind, the part that
reinforces habits, was just doing its job.
It is our human equivalent of an
"automatic" pilot. It is the part of the
mind that requires no conscious effort
and will repeat what has been learned
and rewarded.
When he walked by the refrigerator,
his conscious mind was "offline," and he
just did automatically what he had done
so many times before. I told him that to
prevent this from happening, he would
have to eat consciously, instead of
"unconsciously" as many of us do. We
created a new "routine" that helped him
to remain conscious and diligent around
food (not keeping sweets in the
refrigerator for easy access was an
obvious part) and during the course of a
month or two, he was able to replace the
old "habit" with a new one.
He no longer craves sweets, and he
has lost the weight that he wanted to
lose. All that he needed was some
guidance to help him to become
"conscious" around his behaviors and to
do things differently than he had been
doing long enough for his subconscious
mind to learn a new "habit."
I am reminded of the movie
Groundhog Day, in which the main
character, played by Bill Murray, keeps
reliving the same day over and over
again. Many of us live our lives like this
character. We keep repeating patterns of
thinking, feeling, and behaving and
continue to get the same results that
serve to reinforce our distorted beliefs
that we have about ourselves in the first
place. It sounds crazy, and it is, yet until
we "wake up," we go about our lives
without ever really being in charge of
our own "destiny."
My point is that you will know that
you are lacking some degree of
emotional "wholeness," if you are
feeling unhappy or dissatisfied, and if
your life isn't working in the way that
you desire. The first step in achieving
"wholeness" is to realize that you have
become "stuck." I am guessing that if you
are reading this book that you have
already come to this awareness.
Congratulations! The hardest part is
already over. You might be saying, "I've
known this for a while, but I don't know
how to get un-stuck." That is what this
book is designed to help you with.
 Once you begin to identify the old
"programming" that has been causing you
to think, feel, and behave in ways that
are keeping you stuck in a vicious cycle,
then you can begin the process of
change. I want you to understand that
nothing is "wrong" with you. Things
have happened to you that have distorted
the way you have been perceiving and
responding to your world. I am sure that
when you change the way you have been
thinking and the way you have been
responding to others, that things will
improve immediately.
 In my own personal journey, I
realized that there were things that I
believed about myself and the world that
were part of my basic "operating"
system. Psychologists call these "core"
beliefs. These were things that I
believed to be true, which were not, but
they became little "mantras" that I would
repeatedly say to myself without even
being aware I was doing so. As I went
through the day-to-day business of my
life, I would filter all my experiences
through these beliefs and would create
experiences that seemed to reinforce
them as being "true." I didn't realize that
all I had to do was to challenge them and
change them to create a whole different
way of being.
Now I am not going to say that it
was easy to do this. Some of these
beliefs were so deeply rooted that it
took a long time to even identify them,
let alone change them. I remained
diligent, and, in the end, I was able to
ferret them out and begin the process of
eliminating them. There are still a few
beliefs that will surface from time to
time, especially when I am "offline" and
not "conscious," but now I recognize
them and can use my tools to get back on
track. What a difference this has made in
my life. I now realize how destructive
these beliefs have been to my sense of
happiness and satisfaction. They have
also caused me to do things that have
sabotaged my success and fulfillment.
We could safely say that I was my own
worst enemy.
One of the things I recognized, right
at the beginning of this process, was that
I believed it was my job to make
everyone happy. I believed that my
failure to do so meant that something
was "wrong" with me. This caused me to
have feelings of shame and inadequacy
and fueled my belief that I wasn't
"enough." No matter what I did, I felt
that something was "missing" inside and
I sought it from relationships,
achievements, and things. I "sold out" my
integrity to get love, acceptance, and
approval from others. I got into and
stayed in relationships to avoid being
alone. I sacrificed my own needs and
wants to please others. I minimized who
I am as a person and found myself
constantly comparing myself to others.
Everyone else always seemed to
have what I wanted, so I could never be
satisfied with what I had. I saw myself
as a "victim" of life, and I believed that
bad things kept happening to me because
I "deserved" it. I was being punished for
being me, and since I couldn't figure out
what I had done wrong, I concluded that
it was "me" that was "wrong." The list
goes on and on but you get the point.
I have heard it said many times that
we will keep repeating experiences until
we have learned the lessons that are
being taught. I guess I am a "slow"
learner, because I spent a great deal of
my life in a state of temporary "insanity"
thinking, feeling, and doing the same
things over and over again, only to be
disappointed by the results, and then
using these results to criticize, shame,
and ridicule myself. Whew, I am
exhausted just thinking about it!
I made a list of the beliefs and
"mantras" that kept running through my
head. Many of them are described
above. I realized that I was not alone in
these beliefs. As I worked with clients
and talked with others I started to ask
them about their own beliefs and how
those beliefs were affecting their lives. I
found some commonly held beliefs and
behaviors that were shared by many of
us. I have surveyed more than one
hundred people and compiled a list of
the most commonly held beliefs (and
behaviors) that seem to be the cause of
our negative emotions and behaviors.
What I found is that as people look
outside themselves for the things they
think are "missing" inside, they become
dependent on those things and develop
unhealthy behaviors as a result.
These behaviors become habitual,
because they provide temporary relief
from our negative emotions, but then
when the effects wear off, we must
repeat them. We might say that we
become "addicted" to these things. I was
"addicted" to approval, acceptance, and
relationships. I kept looking for others to
fulfill what I felt was "missing" inside
me.
I was "addicted" to things, thinking
if I had enough, then I would be
"enough."
I was "addicted" to achievement,
thinking if I got the next promotion, then I
would be "enough."
I was "addicted" to money, thinking
that if I had enough, then I would be
"enough."
The list goes on and on. As an
emotional "half," I was always seeking
the other "half." You can imagine how I
set myself up for disappointment.
By now, you should have some idea
if you are lacking emotional
"wholeness." If what I am saying is
resonating as true within you right now,
then welcome to the "club." Don't worry,
there is help. I created a list of the most
common beliefs and behaviors from my
own experiences and from my
interviews with others. I put them into a
questionnaire, which follows, called the
Emotional Wholeness Questionnaire.
This will make it easier to determine
your level of emotional "wholeness" and
to identify your "core" beliefs.
Take a few moments to complete
this questionnaire. As you complete the
questionnaire, you might find that there
are beliefs or behaviors that come to
mind that are not on the form. Please feel
free to add them to the list. I know there
are many I did not include. This is the
first step of your change process.
Please do your best to answer the
questions honestly and rate them with
your best guess. Pay particular attention
to items that are marked with a "3" or a
"4." These are the deepest beliefs or
behaviors that are "programmed" into
your operating system and that influence
you the most.
You might notice "clusters" of "3s"
and "4s" around certain beliefs, issues,
and behaviors. Take note and proceed.
These are the issues that need to be
addressed during your change process.
Based on your scoring, you will have
some idea of your level of emotional
"wholeness," and then you can go about
the business of transformation and
change.
Don't be afraid or too proud to ask
for help. Sometimes a skilled therapist,
coach, or facilitator can help you
accelerate the process of change and
become the "tow truck" that gets you
unstuck. Just begin with the tools that
you have been given in this book and see
how far you can get. If you need more
tools, then they are out there. I didn't do
this alone, and you don't have to either.
After you have completed the
questionnaire and compiled your score,
take a moment to reflect on your results.
Then it's time to get to work. From time
to time, it might be useful to retake the
questionnaire to chart your progress. I
found that it helped to do this, because it
kept me aware of the beliefs and
behaviors that had kept me "stuck," and
it showed me how well I was
progressing toward "wholeness." This
inspired and encouraged me to keep
moving forward.
Using the answers from the
questionnaire, along with my list of
"shoulds" from the "Book of Shoulds"
exercise helped me to identify the
obstacles and roadblocks that were
keeping me "stuck." Now that I had
identified these roadblocks, I could
begin the process of challenging and
eliminating them. I had moved them out
of the recesses and shadows of my mind
into the light.
I remember when I was a small
child, being afraid of the dark. I thought
that there was a monster in my closet.
When I saw a shadow of something in
my closet, I believed it was the shadow
of the monster and it was going to get
me. I remember screaming in terror one
night when I saw a particularly
grotesque shadow on the wall by my
closet. I was certain that it was the
monster coming to eat me.
When my mother came into the room
to see what was happening, she turned
on the light and the shadow immediately
disappeared. I then saw the "monster." It
turned out to be a reflection from some
clothing in the closet that formed a
perfect image of a monster when the
lights were turned off. It was then that I
learned that things aren't always what
they seem, and that things are often
bigger and more distorted in the
darkness. Our beliefs, memories, and
emotions can seem a lot like the
"monster" in the closet when they are
"stuck" in the darkness of our
"unconscious" mind. Ironically when we
expose them to the "light" of
consciousness they immediately shrink
and become less powerful.
That is what happened to me when I
brought my old "programming" out of the
darkness and into the light. The old
beliefs and emotions immediately began
to have less power and less of an effect.
This will also happen for you. By
"reprogramming" our minds, we can
remove the roadblocks and obstacles
that have kept us from becoming our best
and most effective "selves." Remember,
we are already "whole" and complete,
so all we have to do is to become our
"TRUE" and authentic selves by
removing and updating our old
"programs." When the updates have been
completed, then we will see ourselves
and our world in a different way. We
will become the "whole" person, who
we have always been, even if we haven't
believed it to be true.
 Emotional Wholeness
Questionnaire
Instructions:
"Nothing ever goes away until it has
taught us what we need to know."
—Pema Chödrön
Honestly answer each question.
Rate your answer as follows:
4 = Strongly Agree
3 = Agree
 2 = Disagree
1 = Strongly Disagree
After completing the questionnaire,
total your score:
100–149 You have a high degree of
emotional wholeness. You have a
balanced life and stability in your
relationships.
150–249 You are generally
balanced emotionally. You might have
areas that need attention within yourself
or in your relationships. You are on a
good path.
 250–349 You lack emotional
wholeness. You seek external validation
through relationships and you use things
or people to feel complete. You might
sabotage your success. You likely have
repeated self-defeating patterns of
behavior throughout your life.
350–400 You lack emotional
wholeness and have likely experienced
significant problems with relationships
and within yourself. You have strong
feelings of shame and might seek
fulfillment in addictive and compulsive
ways.
 
 Emotional Wholeness
Questionnaire
1. I keep getting into relationships with
the wrong type of people. _____
2. My relationships seem nice at the
beginning, but then turn into losers.
_____
3. I don't feel good about myself, even
though I am successful. _____
4. I sabotage my success/relationships.
_____
5. I cannot let go of my
anger/rage/hurt/jealousy/sadness/grief/gui
_____
6. I cannot sustain a long-term
relationship. _____
7. I feel like something is wrong with
me. _____
8. I have difficulty saying "no." _____
9. I have to make everyone happy. _____
10. I am the one who gets stuck doing all
the work. _____
11. I feel like something awful is going
to happen. _____
12. I feel like something is missing in my
life. _____
13. I never feel normal, unless I am in a
relationship. _____
14. Nice "guys" finish last. _____
15. I am unable to trust. _____
16. I "sell out" (compromise my
principles). _____
17. I choose to stay in relationships even
when I know I should leave. _____
18. I am unable to live up to other's
expectations. _____
19. I need to be in control. _____
20. I feel that I have to "win." _____
21. Everyone has to like me for me to be
okay. _____
22. I fear being alone. _____
23. I deserve better. _____
24. I feel "used" by others. _____
25. I am always the victim. _____
26. I look for the worst in others. _____
27. I only feel ok when people do what I
want. _____
28. I have to do it myself, if I want it to
get done. _____
29. I am unable to be myself in
relationships. _____
30. I go for the "bad girls" or the
"damsels in distress." _____
31. I can never get ahead. _____
32. I am afraid of success. _____
33. I do not have any confidence in
myself. _____
34. I am my own worst enemy. _____
35. I am a "target" for other people's
emotions/problems. _____
36. I sacrifice my needs in order to
please others. _____
37. I do not trust my own feelings. _____
38. I think that I am wrong. _____
39. I need to be in a relationship in order
to feel complete. _____
40. People misinterpret my motives or
actions. _____
41. I feel empty inside. _____
42. Others are advancing in their lives,
and I am not. _____
43. I need a partner to control me. _____
44. I am afraid to stop using
alcohol/drugs. _____
45. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
_____
46. I adjust to failure better than success.
_____
47. I feel insecure. _____
48. People do not listen to what I have to
say. _____
49. I do not know who I am. _____
50. I am unable to express my feelings.
_____
51. I am emotionally numb. _____
52. I second-guess myself. _____
53. I tell others what to do, but not
myself. _____
54. I don't like myself. _____
55. I have to be right. _____
56. I won't let others get close to me.
_____
57. I gravitate toward things that are bad
for me. _____
58. I say what others want to hear and
not what I think/feel. _____
59. I feel guilty and ashamed. _____
60. I feel "dirty" after sex with my
partner. _____
61. I equate sex with love. _____
62. I have sex with people who I do not
know. _____
63. My relationships are mostly about
sex. _____
64. I cannot be faithful to my partner.
_____
65. My partners are unfaithful. _____
66. I seek the approval of others. _____
67. I fear becoming my mother/father.
_____
68. I have done something wrong in my
life to deserve so much pain. _____
69. I choose abusive partners. _____
70. Abusive partners choose me. _____
71. I am unable to love. _____
72. I minimize my accomplishments.
_____
73. I let others walk all over me. _____
74. I am overly sensitive. _____
75. I am afraid of commitment. _____
76. I prefer anonymous sex. _____
77. I have "high-risk" sex. _____
78. I never feel good enough. _____
79. I am unable to feel happy. _____
80. I am unable to see the good in other
people. _____
81. I am critical and judgmental. _____
82. I am not grateful for what I have.
_____
83. I feel like I never have enough.
_____
84. I have to "fix" everyone. _____
85. I need the opposite sex to want me.
_____
86. I choose partners who are
emotionally unavailable. _____
87. I choose partners who are needy and
dependent. _____
88. I expect the worse. _____
89. I need to "look good." _____
90. I seek out friends/partners who are
beneath me. _____
91. I do not take care of myself
physically and emotionally. _____
92. I want things to be perfect. _____
93. I must always stay busy. _____
94. I feel bad, even though I have
everything money can buy. _____
95. I feel better when I use
alcohol/drugs. _____
96. Sexual thoughts/behaviors are
interfering with my life. _____
97. I have trouble expressing my
anger/sadness/fear/shame/grief/rage.
_____
98. My life is out of balance. _____
99. I use food to feel better. _____
100. I don't deserve what I have. _____
© 2005 by John K. Smith, PhD. All
rights reserved.
PART TWO
Who Am I?
 Integrity
"When you have to start compromising
yourself or your morals for the people
around you,
it's probably time to change the people
around you."
—Unknown
"To be yourself in a world that is
constantly trying to make you
something else is
the greatest accomplishment."
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
 If your spine was out of alignment,
you would be feeling pain throughout
your body. We might say that your spine
was out of "integrity," and thus it was
causing you to feel pain. We also might
say that when you are not being yourself,
you are out of "integrity" with whom you
are, and, therefore, you are feeling bad
as a result. Playwright William
Shakespeare once said, "To thine own
self be true." When we are not in
integrity with ourselves we feel bad
until we get back into alignment with our
"TRUE" selves. If our spine was
misaligned, then we might go to a
chiropractor to get our spine adjusted
back into alignment. Once this was done,
we would experience relief from the
pain. The same is true when we adjust
our minds in such a way that we get back
into "integrity" with our "TRUE" selves.
There is a relief from the emotional pain
and turmoil.
At the end of the day, all we really
have is our integrity, the essence of who
we really are at our core. No one can
take our integrity from us. It is ours to
give away. Sometimes we will sacrifice
our integrity to make someone else feel
good or to live up to someone else's
expectations. When we give up our
power to others, we often find ourselves
out of "integrity." If we allow others to
have power over our emotions and our
identity, then we will experience
negative emotions, such as resentment,
guilt, shame, and fear. When we are
experiencing these negative emotions,
then we are not in integrity with our
"true" selves.
We are "self-contained" individuals.
No one can permeate our "bubble,"
unless we allow it. The only way we can
lose our integrity is to let others have
power over us. This can only be done
when we "sell–out" to get something that
we already have within us. Usually this
is done when we are in a "fear–based"
state of mind. For example, if I am afraid
you will not love me, approve of me,
accept me, or that you will leave me if I
am not a certain way, then I might
compromise my integrity to be or do
what you ask. I might do this willingly
or, as has been my case, unconsciously.
I lost my integrity before I even
knew there was such a thing.
I lost it as a child, when I learned
that it was my job to make everyone
happy.
I lost it when I believed I needed to
please everyone and earn their approval
and acceptance.
I lost it when I became afraid that I
would be rejected or abandoned by
others, if I did not please them or make
them happy.
It never occurred to me that I was
out of integrity until much later in my
life. Being out of integrity became my
way of being. I stopped being "me" and
became what I needed to be to avoid
rejection or to earn approval. I did this
with my parents, my teachers, my
"bosses," my "friends," and especially
with the women in my life. I became an
approval "junkie" and a "people
pleaser." No wonder I felt ashamed. The
irony is that I created the things that I
feared. I unwittingly sabotaged myself
by not being myself. How could I have a
healthy relationship with someone else,
if I couldn't even have one with myself?
 I became so focused on everyone
else's needs that I ignored my own. I
didn't realize that being "TRUE" to me
was all I needed to do to be happy and
to be in integrity. Underlying my need to
achieve, acquire, and accumulate was an
insatiable need to earn approval, love,
and acceptance. Everything I did was
unconsciously motivated by these needs.
If I got good grades, it was to please
my parents and my teachers first.
If it pleased them, then it pleased
me.
 If I achieved something or
accomplished something, it was done to
earn the approval of others first and me
second.
If I earned more money or earned a
promotion, it was done to gain approval.
I didn't even know that I was doing
this. It was all I knew how to do. I
thought I was doing these things because
I wanted to. To some extent I did, but I
wasn't aware of the underlying
motivation. This certainly explains why I
could never be satisfied and happy. It
explains why I always wanted more.
Because the approval and acceptance
never came, at least in the way I desired,
I believed by doing more I would be
"enough."
This belief has perpetuated
throughout my life and has been the
driving force behind many of my choices
and decisions. Many of these choices
had devastating consequences. I am
accountable for my choices, conscious
and unconscious. Many of these choices
kept me out of integrity with others and
myself. You might say, "How can I be
accountable for something that I didn't
even know that I was doing?" Well, I can
only say that now that I have begun to
shed light on the underlying motivations
for my actions, I own them, so that I do
not repeat them.
If you find that you are out of
integrity, then it is your responsibility to
reclaim your power and get yourself
back into alignment with your "TRUE"
self. Using the exercises outlined in this
book will help you to accomplish this.
One note of caution, if you have
been out of integrity for some time, or if
you have given your personal power
away to one person or several people,
then you will most likely experience a
negative reaction from these people. You
most likely will also feel a great deal of
dissonance within yourself. You must
prepare yourself for this negative
reaction and for the dissonance that you
will experience. It can be intimidating,
so you must stay in integrity and stay
strong!
I can promise that if you do this, the
dissonance will pass. You will feel
stronger and more confident, as you
move into the place of integrity. To be
honest, you will ultimately have to make
a choice between your personal integrity
and well-being and the wrath and
unhappiness of others. You might have to
deal with other people being
uncomfortable with you regaining your
power. At the end, however, all that we
have is our personal integrity. Is it worth
sacrificing our integrity to make other
people happy? Is it worth it to let others
use us and take advantage of us?
The people who truly love us and
want the best for us will support us and
be excited to see our "TRUE" selves.
They probably have seen us more
clearly than we have seen ourselves;
therefore, it will not really be much of a
surprise to them. We will show up more
authentically, and this will have an
impact on our relationships and in the
way we are perceived by others. We
will see different reactions from others,
as they respond to our "new" way of
being.
I know that when I am being my
"TRUE" self, I radiate a different energy.
This energy is infectious. People look
differently at me. I carry myself
differently. I notice people, even
strangers, looking at me, and I can only
surmise that they are responding to the
energy that I am emitting. When I am in
my "false" self, I do not notice this.
Sometimes I will get negative reactions
from others, when I am not being my
"TRUE" self. It is as if they can tell. I am
guessing they are responding to my
energy, much like dogs in a pack respond
to other dogs. It is totally a subconscious
thing that we are not even aware of. All I
know is that I can tell the difference in
my own energy and in the energy of
others when I am in integrity.
When I came to the awareness that
there was a difference between the
"TRUE" self that "I AM" and the "false"
self that I thought I was, I started to
understand that I had been out of
integrity for so long that I didn't know
who "I" was. How could I be in integrity
with my "TRUE" self? No one had ever
explained this to me. On some level, I
knew there was something more within
me than I realized, but I believed that
something was missing. I was focusing
so much on what I thought was "wrong"
with me, that I never acknowledged what
was "right." I kept thinking that once I
"fixed" the things that were "wrong,"
then I would be happy. Like many of us, I
was trained to believe that we had to
understand what was "wrong" with us
and "fix" our shortcomings. I didn't
understand that I wasn't "damaged" or
"broken." I just wasn't in integrity.
Most of the people who I know
have been trained to think in the same
way. We are told, as children, that when
we misbehave or when we do not
comply with some expectation that we
are "bad." Not that our behavior is
"wrong," but that we are "bad." How can
we not conclude that if "we" are "bad,"
then there is something "wrong" with us?
If we believe that something is "wrong"
with us, then we must figure out what it
is so that we can "fix" it. If nothing is
inherently "wrong," then we will
continue to search for an answer until
we find one or make one up in our
minds. We are "programmed" to think
about ourselves in a negative light. It is
no wonder that I have spent most of my
life trying to "fix" something that I
thought was "broken," thinking that once
I did, then I would be "enough."
I could not be in integrity until I
could answer the question, "Who am I?"
I had formed an identity around my
"false" self and was operating from this
paradigm. When I realized that there was
another self, my "TRUE" self, then I
began to see that what I had believed to
be "wrong" with me were just the
symptoms and side effects of being out
of integrity. When I was in integrity,
those "symptoms" disappeared. If
something was truly "wrong" with me,
then how could they be there one minute
and be gone the next? That awareness
certainly changed the way I looked at
things.
If you walked into the office of most
psychotherapists, you would find that
they are trained to reinforce this belief.
They are going to help you to figure out
what is "wrong" with you and then try to
"fix" the problem. Many of the clients
who visit my office start out with a
lengthy explanation of what they believe
to be "wrong" with them. They are
surprised when I tell them that nothing is
wrong with "them." Things happened to
them that caused them to lose awareness
of their "TRUE" selves and once they get
into integrity, their "symptoms" will
disappear. Things will just get better.
And they do!

"We have the need to be accepted and

to be loved by others, but we cannot
accept and love ourselves. The more
self-love we have, the less we will
 experience self-abuse. Self-abuse
comes from self-rejection, and self-
rejection comes from having an image
of what it means to be perfect and
never measuring up to that ideal. Our
image of perfection is the reason we
reject ourselves the way we are, and
why we don't accept others the way
they are."
—Don Miguel Ruiz
 Who Are You?
"Anytime you start a sentence with 'I
am,' you are creating
what you are and what you want to be.
When you choose to say 'I am happy, I
am kind, I am perfect,' you help the
light of God inside you grow and
shine."
—Wayne W. Dyer
"I am not what happened to me I am
what I choose to become."
—Carl Jung
 The first "process" that I developed
when I began my transformation to get
back into integrity was to answer the
question, "Who am I?" I knew that I had
to discover my "TRUE" identity before I
could do so. For me, this was the most
difficult process. I had been so
"unconscious" of my "TRUE" self for so
long, I didn't even know where to begin.
I languished and struggled for days
answering this question when it suddenly
occurred to me that I was being blocked
by my old beliefs. Every time I would
think of some trait or attribute that
described my "TRUE" self, I would
minimize it and a voice would say, "But
you are not always this way."
Then it occurred to me that what that
voice was saying was true. I wasn't
"always" that way, but the reason was
because I would lapse into my "false"
self without even realizing it, and
operate from that false paradigm. I
decided to answer the question without
judgment and to list the qualities and
traits that came to mind. I then began to
see that when I am not in integrity with
my "TRUE" self, then I became all the
negative qualities that represented my
"false" self. When I was in integrity with
my "TRUE" self then those negative
qualities disappeared and my energy
changed.
When I ask this question of others, I
am astonished at the answers I receive. I
usually get answers that describe what
people do in what roles they play. For
example, "I am a father. I am a salesman.
I am a husband." Sometimes I only get a
puzzled look from people, and they say,
"I don't know." Other times, I will get a
long list of what they are "not." In other
words, I will get all of their negative
judgments, instead of their unique
attributes. Most people have no idea
who they really are. It saddens me to
think this. Imagine how different our
world would be if everyone was in
integrity with their "TRUE" and
authentic selves.
When I did this particular exercise
for myself, I found it to be quite
empowering and enlightening. I now
keep this list at the ready and endeavor
to review it on a daily basis. Reviewing
the list each morning, and throughout the
day, helps me to adjust my state of mind
and to remain in integrity with my
"TRUE" self. Now all I have to do is
look at the list, and I immediately know
what to do and I make the necessary
adjustments. If I have gotten off track,
then I can quickly get back on. I know
that if I forget to look at my list, I will
"default" to my "false" self, often
without even realizing it. I have to
constantly "update" the old software
"programming" of my mind and stay
conscious and mindful.
The following exercise, "Who Are
You?" works quite well in conjunction
with two other exercises: "Finding Your
Purpose" (see Part Five) and "Finding
Your Destination" (see Part Six)
Combining these three exercises, and
reviewing them daily, is a good way to
keep you in "integrity" and on track.
 Who Are You?
First, get out a sheet of paper. Make
two columns and identify the first one, "I
Am" and the second one, "When I Am
Not in Integrity, I Become." You might
find it easier to complete the second
column first. I did, because I was so
used to thinking of myself in the
negative, that these were the easiest
"qualities" to identify. Just sit and
contemplate for a moment about how you
feel and how you become when you are
feeling bad or in a negative state of
mind.
You might find it helpful to review
your answers to the Emotional
Wholeness Questionnaire located in
Part One of this book. Pay particular
attention to the items that were given a
"3" or a "4" on the questionnaire. These
items will give you a clue to the
qualities and behaviors that manifest
themselves when you are out of integrity
with your "TRUE" self.
After completing the second
column, then begin the process of
identifying the special qualities and
characteristics that define your
"essence." We all have unique and
special qualities that make up our
"TRUE" selves. You might find that we
share many of the same traits. I believe
that we are all connected in some way,
and we share many of the same
attributes, yet each of us is different in
some unique way. We might have even
been led to believe that some special
attribute was "bad" or unacceptable, so
we repressed it or denied it. We might
have turned something wonderful about
ourselves into something negative.
Each of us has special "gifts" and
talents that are unique and are part of our
"purpose" in life. When we do not utilize
these "gifts" and talents, then we become
lost and unfulfilled. This is why it is so
important to not sell ourselves short. Try
to be as honest and bold as you possibly
can to complete this list. If you feel
embarrassed, ashamed, or doubtful as
you write your list, do not be
discouraged. These feelings are almost
assuredly your "false" self trying to hold
on to its power over you and keep you in
the darkness. Be bold and courageous!
There is no one else like you on this
planet. This is not about being arrogant
or conceited; it is about acknowledging
and honoring your uniqueness. After all,
if you do not do it, who will?
Acknowledging your "TRUE" self will
open the doorway to a new way of being
and will be the first step in getting and
staying in integrity.
To get the most out of this exercise,
I challenge you to identify at least ten
qualities and attributes in the "I Am"
column. Some of you might find this
easy, but I struggled to come up with the
first ten. After I identified the first ten
qualities and attributes, it was as if my
mind shifted and more ideas came to my
awareness. You can list as many as come
to mind and update your list as often as
you would like. Just remember that you
have to list at least "ten."
Here are my answers to the
question, "Who are you?"
 I Am
Intelligent Intuitive Light Wise
Charismatic
Positive Energy Powerful Leader
Conscious Aware Strong
Unique Present Compassionate Self-
Contained Giving
Empathic Everything Inspirational
Healer Passionate
Humorous Grateful Loving Gifted
Blessed Sensitive
Abundant Successful
 When I Am Not in
Integrity, I Become
Weak Powerless Shameful Needy
Distrusting Insensitive
Self-Doubting Manipulative
Negative Dark Depressed
Fearful Unconscious Anxious Self-
Destructive Limited
When we use the words "I Am," we
are describing our identity and
connecting with "spirit." In our use of the
English language, we have assigned
identity to many things. If you listen to
your own words and the words of
others, you will begin to hear how often
people use the words "I Am" and "my"
to describe many negative things about
themselves, which often become their
identity.
Here are some examples:
"I am tired."
"I am depressed."
"I am angry."
 "I am sick."
"I am a failure."
"I am broke."
"I am in pain."
They might take ownership of a
problem, a feeling, or a "symptom" and
make it a part of their identity, usually
prefacing a statement with the word
"my."
Here are some examples:
"My depression"
"My pain"
 "My disease"
"My anger"
"My failure"
There are literally hundreds of other
phrases that people commonly use that
begin with the words "I am" or "my" that
describe negative emotions and
attributes. When your subconscious mind
hears the words "I am" or "my," it
believes that you are assigning identity
and ownership to these things, and it
brings you more of the thing that you do
not want.
 Try the following exercise:
1. Pay attention to your use of
language. Focus on your use of
particular phrases, such as
"I am."
"I can't."
"I don't."
Also catch yourself in the use of the
word "my."
2. Now slightly change the wording
to remove your identity from the phrase.
For example, change:
 "I am depressed." to "I have
depression."
"I am in pain." to "I have pain."
3. Change your use of "my" to "the."
For example, change:
"my depression" to "the depression"
"my pain" to "the pain."
Removing identity and ownership
will cause an immediate change in your
perception of these things and might
even cause an immediate relief in the
symptoms.
 4. Frequently review your list of
positive "I Am" qualities. I keep mine
visible at all times and refer to it often to
remind me who "I am."
5. If you find yourself in a state of
mind, reflecting how you become when
you are not being in integrity with your
"TRUE" self, then quickly refer to your
"I Am" list and adjust your mind, using
the techniques outlined in this book. If
you have difficulty getting your mind
adjusted, then use the "Pressing the
Reset Button" technique found in Part
Six. This will help you get into the
correct state of mind to return to your "I
Am" state.
When I completed my list and when
I truly realized my "TRUE" self, I felt a
sense of joy and happiness. Finally, I felt
fulfilled, just by knowing who "I am."
What I thought was "missing" within was
always there, and all I had to do was to
become conscious of all that "I am" and
remain in integrity with that, and I felt
happy.

"I was once afraid of people saying,

 'Who does she think she is?'
Now I have the courage to say, 'This is
who I am.'"
—Oprah Winfrey
"The ultimate truth of who you are is
not I am this or that, but I Am."
—Eckhart Tolle
PART THREE
Untangling the
Mess
 The Well
"Break loose! Free yourself from
dysfunctional people who are experts at
meeting their own needs at the expense
of yours. Don't let people stay in your
life who trample on your feelings or
behave badly. Set clear boundaries so
that you don't get caught up in their
maze of madness, or feel responsible
for their life choices or consequences.
Live in your own story. Don't try to edit
someone else's.
Practice radical self-care, and work to
 maintain your peace of mind. Do
something every day that nourishes
your spirit, opens your heart, and
builds mental resiliency. It's your life.
Live intentionally with purpose and
passion. You deserve it!!"
—Les Brown
Two men were walking through the
desert, and they were dying of thirst.
They had been walking for a long time
and were just about to give up when they
came to a well. As they ran toward the
well, they were full of hope and
anticipation that the well would have the
water they needed to quench their thirst.
Hopeful and excited, they dropped the
bucket into the well, anticipating the
water that they so desperately needed.
As they pulled the bucket from the well,
their hopes were dashed as they saw that
the bucket contained only sand. The men
were determined, however, and they
decided to drop the bucket into the well
again. "Maybe this time it will be
different. Maybe there will be water this
time." Again, the bucket contained only
sand.
 Undaunted, the men dropped the
bucket into the well one thousand more
times, hoping for water, but getting only
sand. The men became angry with the
well. "It's not fair! The well should have
water," they said. But alas, they still got
a bucket full of sand.
The men then blamed themselves.
"Maybe it is our fault. Maybe we don't
deserve it," one man said. "Maybe we
are doing it wrong. Maybe we are being
punished," said the other man. Again
they dropped the bucket into the well
and pulled up only sand.
 What will happen to these men if
they keep dropping the bucket into the
well, expecting water, but getting only
sand? Most of us would say that the men
will most surely die of thirst. What
would have been the better strategy?
Most of us would say to move on to
another well!
Is it the well's fault that it is dry? Is
it the men's fault that the well is dry? Of
course, it is not. We know that the dry
well was caused by some environmental
conditions, and there could have been no
other way this happened. We know it
was caused by something, because it
happened. We also know that it would
be highly unlikely that the well would
miraculously fill with water one day. We
also know that the men didn't cause the
well to be dry. Why then did the men
become angry with the well? Why did
they blame themselves?
Does this story seem familiar to
you? Do you have any "dry wells" in
your life? Have you found yourself
perpetually expecting "water" from your
family or from your relationships only to
get a bucket full of sand? Have you been
angry at others for being "dry wells"?
Have you blamed yourself for the
"well" being dry? Have you stayed too
long at a "dry well" hoping for water,
but getting only sand?
Now here is the big question, if you
needed the "water" to survive, how did
you make it to NOW without it? Many of
us get stuck waiting for our "dry wells"
to produce water, thinking that we cannot
move on unless, or until, we get it. The
truth is that we already have everything
that we need. If that "water" is love,
acceptance, approval, attention, or
something else that we must ask
ourselves, "Am I loving, accepting,
approving?" If so, then how could we
have it, if we never got it? Where did it
come from? The answer can only be that
it came from within. It was always there.
The truth is that we are self-contained.
We are sourced from within. Whatever
we thought we needed from others, we
already had within ourselves. Thinking
this way gives us complete freedom to
be ourselves without depending on
others to provide us with those things we
already have. We just have to look
within ourselves to find those resources
we have been looking for from another.
When we discover our "TRUE"
selves, we realize that we are sourced
from within, and we have resources we
might never have realized we had. I
certainly did not. When I discovered my
"TRUE" self, I realized that I did not
"need" anything from anyone. I already
had everything that I needed. My old
"programming" never taught me to look
within myself. It taught me just the
opposite. I had spent most of my life
trying to get "water" from "dry wells." I
got angry with the "wells" for being dry,
and more often I would blame myself for
the "well" being dry.
It must be my fault, I would think.
This is how I came to believe that I
wasn't "enough." I kept looking for love,
acceptance, and approval from others,
and, when it was not forthcoming, I
could only surmise that I was doing
something wrong. I did this with my
parents, my partners, and my friends.
This was the source of that "hole" that I
felt inside. I would seek "water" from
other people or from things, never
realizing that I had an abundance of my
own "water." It never occurred to me
that these people couldn't give me what
they didn't have. It also left me
depending on people and things to get
my "fix."
I was always emotionally "whole"
but was going through life as a "half,"
seeking fulfillment from relationships
and things, only to be left feeling
"empty" and unhappy. Of course, it feels
good to be loved, accepted, and
approved by others, but we do not need
that to be "whole." We have everything
that we "need" already. We just have to
realize this. If you are reading this book,
then you haven't died of "thirst." You
might have been trying to get a "drink"
from a "dry well" and believed that one
day you might get it if you kept dipping
your "bucket" in the same well. Maybe
the well was your family, your
relationships, your job, or your friends.
In my case, it was all of the above.
When I realized I had been doing
that, it totally changed my perspective. I
no longer had expectations for others to
fulfill my needs. If they could, then that
was great. If they could not, then I would
move on to another well. If they were
people who I still wanted in my life,
then I could dictate the terms of those
relationships and could realize that to
expect anything more would be futile.
"Happiness is not something ready
made. It comes from your own actions."
—Dalai Lama
"Holding onto anger is like drinking
poison and expecting the other person
to die."
—Buddha
 The Life Preserver
A man was going to an important
meeting, one that could potentially
change his life. On his way to the
meeting, he decided to go for a walk
along the shore to gather his thoughts. As
he walked along the shore, he heard
someone yelling for help. As he looked
out into the water, he saw a man bobbing
up and down, waving his arms
frantically. Looking around, the man on
the shore saw a life preserver and, like
most of us would, he threw the life
preserver to the man in the water. The
man in the water grabbed the life
preserver, and the man on the shore
proceeded to pull him to safety on the
shore.
As the drowning man was helped
out of the water, the rescuer asked him if
he was all right. The man replied, "Why,
yes I am. Thank you for saving me. I
can't swim, but I really love the water."
As he finished speaking he turned and
jumped back into the water. Predictably
the man started to drown, and he again
cried for help.
 The man on the shore was
astonished. He thought to himself, Can
this be true? This man must be crazy.
He cannot swim, yet he just jumped
back into the water. I cannot let him
drown. I couldn't live with myself if I
just walked away. So again, the man on
the shore pulled the drowning man from
the water.
As the drowning man came onto the
shore, he again thanked the man for
saving his life and then turned and
jumped back into the water. The rescuer
couldn't believe his eyes. He thought, I
need to get to my meeting, but I
couldn't live with myself if I let this
man drown. So the rescuer and the man
in the water continued this "crazy" game.
Days went by, then weeks, and then
months. The rescuer had now become
angry and resentful at the man in the
water. The rescuer thought, I've missed
my important meeting and have given
up my life to rescue this man. I want to
move on, but I cannot let him drown. I
wouldn't be able to live with myself.
After you read this story, ask
yourself, "Would I do this?" Have you
done this before? Are you doing it now?
How many times should the rescuer
throw in the life preserver to the man in
the water before he moves on? Once,
twice, ten times, one thousand times?
What if the drowning person was
someone you loved and cared about?
The rescuer has now made his life
about saving the man in the water. He
does so with anger and resentment. It is
no longer about rescuing a drowning
man, but about not feeling bad if he stops
and moves on. Where is the man in the
water's responsibility for taking care of
himself? He could certainly stop
jumping into the water. He could learn
how to swim. He could suffer the
consequences of his actions. And yes, he
could drown.
The rescuer started out by being
responsible "to" the man in the water,
doing what most of us would do in a
similar situation to help another human
being. As he continued to rescue the
drowning man, he became responsible
"for" the drowning man. That man was
quite content letting the rescuer be
responsible for him. This allowed him to
do what he wished. Where was the
drowning man's personal responsibility
"for" himself?
Many of us find ourselves caught in
this game of responsible "to" versus
responsible "for." If we are emotionally
responsible "for" someone, then we are
in charge of their happiness, sadness,
anger, fear, and whatever else they might
put on us. We become frustrated, angry,
and resentful when we "fail" to make
them "OK." This way they can easily
blame us for our shortcomings and lead
us to believe that we are inadequate. Our
guilt and shame about our "failure" is the
fuel that keeps us in this infinite loop of
feeling that "I am never enough." Many
of us go through life carrying the
emotional burdens of others who have
convinced us to be emotionally
responsible "for" them. In time, this
leads us to break down physically and
emotionally.
I am one of these people. I was
"programmed" to be responsible "for"
the well-being of others, and as a result I
was set up to "fail." In truth, I am only
truly responsible "for" myself. I have a
responsibility "to" others in the various
roles that I play and in my relationships,
but I had it confused, like the man in the
story. Thinking that I was responsible
"for" everyone else's happiness caused
me to not take care of my own. If you are
like me in this respect, then this next
process might be of help.
Try this exercise for a moment.
Sit quietly and close your eyes.
Scan up and down through your body,
from the top of your head to the bottom
of your toes. Identify your most
prominent physical sensation. It might be
an ache or a pain. It might be a feeling of
"tightness" or of "emptiness." When you
have found the spot in your body, ask
yourself, "If this spot could talk, what
would it say?" If you have pain or
tightness in your lower back, neck, or
shoulders, quite often this can be a
reflection of an emotional burden or
stress that one is "carrying."
The question I usually ask someone
in this situation is, "What is this burden
that you are carrying, and for whom are
you carrying it?" Almost invariably the
person will respond that they are
carrying most of the emotional burden
for someone else. It might be their
parents, their spouse or partner, their
children, their employer, or a list of
others for whom they have become
emotionally responsible. Releasing this
"burden" almost always alleviates the
physical pain and the emotional stress
that has been present. It is as if the
person could not separate the emotional
"burdens" of others from their own.
I believe that most of us do this to
some extent, but there are those who
seem to do this as a way of life. They
have been "programmed" to do this from
the time that they were children. They
were often made to feel shamed or guilty
for thinking of themselves. They were
led to believe that it was wrong or
"selfish" to do so. Their view of the
world became "I have to make sure
everyone else is OK in order for me to
be OK." This is what happened to me.
In simple terms, you have to keep
your "bucket" full to replace what you
are giving to others or else you will
break down emotionally and physically
as your "bucket" runs dry. Right now,
you must get the mindset that you have to
continuously put yourself at or near the
top of your list when it comes to giving.
This is hard for those who have been
"programmed" to take care of everyone
else before they ever consider
themselves.
Besides my own story, I have
worked with many people who have
similar issues. One that stands out in my
mind is the story of a client named Paul.
He was a middle-aged man who had
been a "giver" ever since he was a child.
The oldest of four children, he was
expected to care for his younger
siblings, because his mother worked and
his father had passed away when he was
six years old. His mother never really
recovered from her husband's death and
became depressed. He became the little
"man of the house." It was not a job that
he had asked for, but one that he
inherited. When the mother would come
home from work, she would go directly
to her bedroom and lock the door. She
became more withdrawn from her
children. Paul began to see it as his
responsibility to "father" his siblings,
even though he was still a child himself.
He desperately wanted and needed his
mother's love and attention, but could not
get his mother to respond, no matter
what he did.
Desperate for a break, Paul began to
do less around the house and would
occasionally leave his younger siblings
to fend for themselves, while he hung out
with his friends. His mother became
outraged when she discovered this and
she screamed at Paul calling him
horrible names and accusing him of
being "selfish." "All you ever do is think
of yourself," his mother screamed. "You
are just like your father!" Paul was hurt
and angry. All he wanted was to be a
child and for his mother to love him.
Paul, however, took his mother's words
to heart and began to feel guilty for being
so "selfish."
As Paul grew into young adulthood
he married his high school girlfriend,
more as an excuse to get out of the house
and away from his mother than for true
love of his girlfriend. Even though he
was no longer living at home, Paul
continued to feel a nagging guilt, which
was reinforced by regular calls from his
mother, who continued to cry and beg
Paul to help with his siblings. Even
though he resented it, he would comply
with his mother's demands. She is my
mother and I feel sorry for her, Paul
thought to himself.
Paul's wife became resentful of all
the time he spent caring for his siblings,
and how he rushed over to his mother's
house whenever there was a problem.
As the years went on, Paul had two
small children of his own, yet he
continued to run over to his mother's
house to care for his mother and siblings
in addition to his own children and wife.
The burden became too great and
Paul began to burn out. He became
depressed, like his mother, but, unlike
his mother, he felt that he had to keep on
giving. He was always tired and
depressed and eventually stopped taking
care of himself. He gained weight and
let himself go physically. He wore the
same sweat suit every day and would
even go several days without bathing.
Whenever he did have the energy to go
shopping, he would always make sure
that everyone else, including his mother
and siblings, had what they needed. Paul
would even ignore the things that he
wanted, often putting them back on the
shelf to make sure that everyone else had
what they wanted.
The relationship between Paul and
his wife deteriorated. They became
more like roommates than spouses. Their
sexual relationship was nonexistent, and
they rarely spent any time together as a
couple. Eventually Paul's wife had
enough, and she filed for divorce.
Devastated, Paul became even more
depressed. Paul's body began to feel the
toll of her neglect and constant stress.
He began to experience severe pain
throughout his body, and he began to
have digestive problems. The doctors
diagnosed him with fibromyalgia and
told him that he had an ulcer. Despite his
poor health, Paul continued to take care
of everyone else, but never himself.
Even when he was ill and weakened
from his medical problems, he would
still find the energy to respond to
everyone's demands.
One day, Paul was so weakened by
his physical pain and depression that he
could not get out of bed. Predictably,
Paul's mother called, wanting something
from him. Paul desperately wanted his
mother to come to his aid, just once.
Instead, his mother became angry and
called him "selfish" and "lazy." She hung
up on him in a rage, leaving him feeling
guilty and helpless.
While Paul's story might be at the
extreme edge of the spectrum for this
type of behavior, how much of his story
sounded familiar to you? If you saw
anything in this story that reminded you
of yourself, then it is time to take action!
The first reaction that most people
would have would be to tell Paul to stop
what he was doing and start to take care
of himself. For people such as Paul,
however, this is not that simple. There
are two areas that must be addressed.
First, Paul has to do something to
decrease the output of energy involved
in his nonstop "giving" to others. I like to
think of the "output" as being like a pipe
with no faucet controlling the flow of
water. He needs to install a "faucet" to
control his output. While this solution
seems logical, and even simple, it
becomes more complicated when
emotions are involved. You see, for Paul
to control the output he will need to be
able to do so without feeling guilty or
succumbing to the coercive
manipulations of others.
Someone such as Paul will need
professional assistance to help him to
eliminate his guilt, resentment, and
depression, but I have described a few
things that you can do yourself to
eliminate anger, resentment, and guilt
throughout this book. If those things do
not seem to alleviate your negative
emotions, then it would be advisable to
also seek help for yourself. You aren't
"crazy." You have just been
"programmed" in a certain way to think,
feel, and do things that are not working
to your best advantage. I can assure you
that this can be corrected. If it worked
for me, it will also work for you.
The second problem might be worse
than the first problem. Even if Paul is
successful at decreasing his "output," his
"bucket" is still empty. The problem
with people such as Paul is that they
have no idea how to fill their own
"bucket." They have gotten so used to
giving to others, that they do not
consider their own needs. They have
never learned to take care of themselves.
While they are super-sensitive to the
needs of others, they seem to shun
anything that would fulfill their own
needs.
 Filling Your Bucket
“You fill a bucket drop by drop. You
clear your mind thought by thought.
You heal yourself moment by moment.
Today I make one drop, clear one
thought, and get present to one
moment. And then I do it again.”
—Lisa Wimberger
The good news is that once we
eliminate the guilt and clear the distorted
thinking that fuels this behavior, it is just
a matter of identifying things that will
fill up our "buckets." Here are some
descriptions of "bucket" fillers that I
have thought of. There are many more,
so be creative in your thinking. This is
just a start.
Self Care—This includes all basic
needs, such as rest, nutrition, hygiene,
and personal care. It can also include
taking a small amount of time for you to
do things that are special or interesting. I
can think of a thousand things that fit into
this category:
Exercise—Research has
consistently shown the benefits of
exercise for relieving stress, depression,
anxiety, and for relieving a host of
physical problems. It can be strenuous,
aerobic work, or it can be as simple as
going for a walk.
Relaxation—There are hundreds of
audios and videos to help you relax.
Using the "Pressing the Reset Button"
(see Part Six) is also useful for this. The
main thing is to take the time to do it. It
doesn't require much time or effort to
make a conscious effort to slow down
and breath.
 Meditation—The practice of
meditation is also quite beneficial and
useful in getting your mind and body
relaxed and cleared. There are many
various forms of meditation that can be
learned. This practice also helps you
become more mindful and conscious.
Spiritual Practice—For some, this
might mean attending a church or
practicing an organized religion. For
others, it might take the form of
meditation or other practice that is
designed to help you connect with a
power greater than yourself.
 Fellowship Service—Being part of
a group and sharing as part of a
community of people is important. There
are many groups that offer connection
and fellowship.
Healthy Boundaries—Learning to
set limits for yourself and others.
Learning to say "no" and not feel guilty
when saying it. Not letting others
permeate your "bubble" and affect you in
any way that is negative or harmful. Not
being responsible "for" others, but being
responsible "to" you.
 Daily Affirmations—These are
usually "positive" statements designed to
uplift and inspire. There are countless
books, calendars, and websites that offer
these kinds of inspirational messages.
Mirror Work—Stand in front of a
mirror. Look at the person, staring
directly into your right eye. What do you
see? Look deeply into your soul and into
the depths of your being. I do that often. I
was not always able to do that. If it is
uncomfortable, then you are in the right
place to be reading this book. Looking
into the mirror will be a good starting
place to getting back into integrity with
your "TRUE" self. When you can look at
the person in the mirror and feel good
about what you are seeing, then you are
in integrity.
Education—Learning something
new and expanding your mind is one
way to access your "TRUE" self. When
you are in this state of mind, learning
new information, then you cannot be
feeling bad. Stimulate your mind. You
can read a book, take a class, or
experience something different. Learning
new things is the pathway to your
"TRUE" self. When you are learning
something new, you are literally
changing the wiring of your brain.
Personal Growth—I am a big
proponent of personal growth. I have
done many things to expand and grow as
a person. My growth has been done by
reading books, attending seminars,
experiencing intensive transformational
weekends, going to therapy, and by
exposing myself to new things. I
encourage you to engage in some form of
personal growth.
 If you are feeling a bit overwhelmed
by my list, then I welcome you to my
world. I do not expect you to do all of
these things at once. If you haven't been
used to filling your "bucket," then you
probably will have a lot of resistance to
what I am suggesting. That might take the
form of an internal dialogue that says, "I
can't" or "I don't have time." You will
have to make the decision to get into
integrity with your "TRUE" self that
already knows that you need to be doing
these things. After all, you are
responsible "to" and "for" yourself.
 Self-Containment
"We either make ourselves miserable or
we make ourselves strong.
The amount of work is the same."
—Carlos Castaneda
What if you already possessed
everything that you needed to be
emotionally whole? What if you already
had the happiness, peace, confidence,
strength, power, love, and abundance
that you desired? What if all those
things, and more, already existed within
you? No longer do you have to seek
outside yourself that which you feel you
are lacking inside. You already have the
basic ingredients within you. You
always have. If you didn't, how could
you have made it this far without them?
For the majority of my life, I
believed and felt that there was
something missing within me. I felt
incomplete and inadequate. I couldn't
explain it, and I wasn't always
consciously aware of it, but it was
always there. This sensation felt to me
like "emptiness" or a "hole" that needed
to get filled. I didn't realize that I already
had the necessary "ingredients" within
and that I needed to find ways to nurture
and foster their expression. I needed to
fill from within what I had learned to
seek from outside.
I had learned, at an early age, that it
was my "responsibility" to ensure that
everyone else was happy. This
"programmed" me to look outside me to
rely on others to fulfill my needs. If
everyone else was happy, then I was
happy, and if I "failed" to make everyone
happy, then I was not. I came to believe
that if I "failed" to make everyone happy,
then I was a "failure" and not "enough."
The irony was that making everyone
happy required empathy, compassion,
wisdom, and a host of other things that
already existed within me. If I "needed"
those things from someone or something
else, then how could I have already had
them? Like many of us, I had never been
taught to recognize my "TRUE" self that
already existed, but instead was taught
that I needed to rely on other people or
things to fulfill me and make me happy. I
lost awareness of my "TRUE" self and
started a journey to seek from the outside
what I already had within.
Now I cannot blame my parents or
society "rules" for this. While this was
the source of my "programming," I
believe that they were only doing what
they knew how to do. They were
following the "book" they had been
taught to follow, and I was expected to
do the same. They were trying to mold
me into compliance with their
"programmed" belief system. They are
still doing this. Failure to comply with
their "book" resulted in me feeling guilty
and ashamed. As a child I did not have
the ability to challenge the "book" or
question its contents. I just blindly
followed the "rules" and felt bad about
myself as a result. It has taken me a
lifetime to realize that I am the author of
my own "book" and that my failure to
comply with someone else's "book" does
not mean that I am not "enough."
I am always amazed when someone
has gotten stuck, thinking they lack one
of these ingredients. For example, I was
working with a man named Bill, who
was in his mid-forties. He was a father
of three children and had been married
to the same loving woman for almost
twenty years. Despite being a good
father and husband, he came to see me
because a long-standing history of
depression. We quickly got down to the
source of the depression. He never felt
that his mother had loved him. He was
the middle child of three, and his mother
seemed to give all of her attention to his
older and younger siblings, thus causing
Bill to draw the conclusion that his
mother didn't love him as much as she
did his siblings. He spent the rest of his
life, up to the moment when he was in
my office, seeking love and attention
from his mother.
Bill was constantly calling his
mother on the phone or visiting her with
the grandchildren. His mother usually
responded to Bill in the same cold and
distant manner. Maybe it was true that
his mother did not love him. The
problem was that Bill was "stuck"
thinking that he couldn't be happy, if his
mother did not love him, and that he
would be miserable for eternity if he
could not find a way to get his mother's
love.
I used the story of the "Dry Well"
(told previously in Part Three), which
immediately caused Bill to shift his
view of his relationship with his mother.
He began to cry tears of relief. Then I
asked him to give his mother a report
card grade for "doing her job" as a
mother. He did not hesitate to say "D." I
then asked Bill to give himself a grade
for doing his own job as a father. He
quickly, without hesitation, responded
with "A-."
 I asked Bill how it was that he
could be loving to his own children, if
he never received it from his mother. At
first, he couldn't answer.
I then asked him, "If you never got
it, but you were able to give it, then
where did it come from"?
He answered, "I guess from within
me!"
I replied, "Good! That means that
you always had it. The proof is that you
made it to 'now' without it and you were
able to give it from within to your own
children." I went on, "If you already
have it, then what is it that you think you
need from your mother"?
He was stunned, as he looked at me
he replied, "Nothing." I reminded him
that his mother was similar to a "dry
well" and that it was not his fault that the
"well" was dry nor was it necessarily
the "well's" fault it was dry. It just was
the way it was.
Bill could now be free to move on,
and he could determine the nature of his
relationship with his mother moving
forward. Bill left my office feeling on
top of the world and has since reported
he is no longer feeling depressed. He is
happy and content with his life. He
reports that he is feeling satisfied and
more fulfilled than ever. He still talks to
his mother, but he has no expectation of
receiving anything in return. Bill is now
self-contained. He realizes that he is
"sourced" from within, meaning that
everything that he believed that he
needed from the outside already existed
within. It was his belief that he needed
something from his mother that had been
blocking his awareness of what he
already had within himself. Now it
would have been easier if he had
received the love and attention from his
mother when he was a child, but it was
not necessary for Bill to become who he
already was within.
Once you have embraced this
"concept," then you have begun the
practice of self-containment. You will
find that you are less affected by your
environment. Your expectations of others
will be less important, and you will feel
less disappointment, frustration, and hurt
when things happen or when people let
you down or do not act accordingly.
A good way to begin the practice of
self-containment is to imagine yourself
engulfed in a bubble. The bubble allows
you to give and receive to and from
others, but it has a hardened shield that
makes the bubble impenetrable from
everything, without your consent. This
means that anything going out or coming
in has to get past YOU first.
If you should notice that you are
feeling frustrated or disturbed by
something that happened, or if someone
did not respond according to your
expectations, then you allowed it to
penetrate your bubble. Being self-
contained, you realize that you can react
and respond differently by changing your
view to within yourself instead of
outward. As you look within YOU, then
you can access your infinite well of
positive emotions and attributes and
keep all the negative emotions and
reactions to others outside your bubble.
A good practice is to check-in with
yourself several times a day (See
"Wake-Up Alarms" in Part Four"). By
doing this, you will become accustomed
to be more aware of your internal
environment. If you find yourself feeling
troubled, then you have an opportunity to
change your internal environment (See
"Changing the Channel" in Part Four). I
often repeat the phrase, "I am self-
contained." This allows me to remember
that I have the power to regulate my
internal environment, inside my bubble.
Think of it this way, if the weather
outside is cold, windy, and otherwise
uncomfortable, and you are inside,
blocked from the elements, then you
would make the climate on the inside
comfortable and warm. You would not
try to change the weather outside,
because you would know that it is
impossible to do so, yet you could make
adjustments inside that would keep you
warm and cozy. Rather than controlling
the "weather" outside, you can keep your
internal climate, within your bubble,
warm and cozy and the "weather" cannot
affect you without your permission.
As I began the practice of "self-
containment," I started to notice that I
was less affected by what was
happening in my life and by what other
people said or did. I cannot say that
things did not bother me or that I never
reacted to people or events, but I can tell
you that I learned to let things go more
quickly. It was quite freeing to realize
that I could regulate myself without
having to make everything and everyone
happy.
At first, it was awkward. After all, I
had spent my entire life feeling
responsible for everyone else, as I had
been "programmed" to do. I learned that
I could make myself feel "comfortable"
on the inside, no matter what was
happening on the outside. For the first
time, I realized that it was my job to take
care of me, not anyone else. I also
learned that it was not my job to make
everyone else feel good in order to feel
good myself. That is when I understood
the difference between "selfish" and
"self-first."
I had been taught that it was
"selfish" to think only of yourself. What
that meant to me was that I had to put
everyone else ahead of me. It meant that
everyone else's needs and wants were
more important than mine. This belief
caused me to become a "people
pleaser." I was so trained to think about
what everyone else wanted or needed,
that I couldn't even tell you what I
wanted or needed. My usual response to
the question, "What do you want?" was
"For you to be happy." If they were
"happy," then so was I. Of course, it was
impossible for me to be in charge of
everyone's happiness. I was doomed to
"fail." It also put me in a position to be
blamed for people's unhappiness. To this
day, I struggle with answering the
question, "What do you want"? I have
made it a practice to consciously think
about this on a daily basis. I even make a
list and update it and review it on a
regular basis. I have included an
example of this later in the book.
Have you ever flown in an
airplane? If you have, then you will
remember when the flight attendants are
giving the safety instructions, they tell
you that if the oxygen masks should fall
from the ceiling, and you are traveling
with a small child or someone who
cannot take care of themselves, you
should put on your mask first. Isn't that
selfish? I certainly would have thought
so based on my old belief system. Why
is it that they tell you this? The reason is
quite clear, if you are not able to take
care of yourself, then how will you be
able to take care of those who depend on
you? This is the definition of "self-first."
You have to take care of yourself to take
care of others. You have to make sure
that your needs are met first, before you
can meet the needs of other people.
"Selfish" means that you think only of
your own needs and never the needs of
others.
All I am saying is that it is important
to put yourself at the top of your list to
make sure that you have what you need,
so that your "bucket" does not run dry as
you care for others. This is why being
"self -contained" is so important. It
allows you to take care of yourself and
to regulate your internal environment,
always ensuring that you keep your own
"bucket" full. I have always been so
focused on what everyone else wanted
and needed, that I failed to do that for
myself. I allowed my "bucket" to run dry.
Even when it was empty, I still felt
compelled to keep giving. I am sure that
there are many people like me out there.
The other thing that I discovered is
that I had surrounded myself with
"takers." These were people who
constantly took what I had to give
without giving anything in return.
Whenever I would pull back or try to
take care of myself, I would be told that
I was being "selfish." It wasn't until I
discovered the difference between "self-
first" and "selfish" that I realized that the
"takers" were the selfish ones, and they
used shame, guilt, and manipulation to
coerce me into a continuous cycle of
"giving."
If you are a "giver" and have
surrounded yourself with "takers," then it
is time to put YOU first. If you are
practicing self-containment, then it will
be much easier to do this. You will not
allow yourself to be affected by the
coercive tactics of "takers." I will warn
you that when you start to take care of
yourself and say "no" to the "takers," you
will receive a lot of negativity. Be
prepared for this. So called friends,
coworkers, and especially family
members who have relied on your
"giving," will try to coerce you into your
old ways. This will only be effective if
you allow it.
If you are "self-contained" then you
will not allow these tactics to affect you.
It will be difficult at first, but if you
remain steadfast, then you will enjoy the
inner peace and fulfillment that comes
from keeping your "bucket" full. Then
you can choose to give from your
"bucket" to whomever you choose, when
you choose. Then you are in charge of
you, and you will know that no one can
permeate your "bubble" without your
consent and permission.

"Stop expecting others to show you

love, acceptance, commitment, and
respect
when you don't even show that to
yourself."
—Steve Maraboli
 PART FOUR
Staying On Track
 Wake-Up Alarms
"There are only two days in the year
that nothing can be done. One is called
yesterday and the other is called
tomorrow, so today is the right day to
love, believe, do, and mostly live."
—Dalai Lama
After discovering my "TRUE" self
and experiencing how good it felt to be
in integrity, I knew that I had to find a
way to remain conscious and mindful. I
knew that if I didn't take an active role in
staying present, that I would "default"
into my "false" self and again be out of
integrity. This is what I had done all my
life. I would have moments when I was
being my "TRUE" self, but I would
quickly lapse into my old habits. It was
so easy to become unaware.
I knew, intellectually, that when my
conscious mind was "offline," then my
subconscious mind took over and
automatically did what it had been
"programmed" to do. I also knew that I
could go "offline" at any moment without
even realizing it. All it took for me to
become "unconscious" was to become
distracted, absorbed in thought, tired, or
otherwise preoccupied with something. I
knew I had to find a way to notice my
state of mind, so I could make the
necessary adjustments to get back into
integrity with my "TRUE" self.
In order to make any lasting changes
to our habitual ways of thinking, feeling,
and behaving, we have to consciously
override our subconscious or automatic
responses. If you think of a computer, the
operating system of the computer is
performing millions of functions every
second that we cannot see. Many of the
"programs" on our computers have
certain default settings that happen
automatically, unless we manually
change or override these settings. The
subconscious mind functions in a similar
way. Once we have learned something,
the subconscious mind takes over and
automatically repeats the behavior
without us having to spend a lot of
energy concentrating.
Think about learning to drive a car.
When we are learning, our conscious
mind is focusing on all the new
behaviors associated with driving. Once
we have memorized these behaviors,
they become automatic and are handled
by the subconscious mind. Have you
ever been driving and arrived at your
destination, only to realize you didn't
remember how you got there? You take
the same route, but on a particular day,
you intend to go somewhere else. As you
are driving toward your usual
destination, but intending to go
elsewhere, you automatically turn to go
to your usual destination, instead of
proceeding past it toward the new
destination. I did this recently. I got off
the freeway at my usual exit and was
almost to my office, when I realized it
was Saturday and I was going
somewhere else. I was completely
absorbed in thought and my
subconscious mind was driving the car.
Thankfully, I was alone and didn't have
to share my embarrassment with anyone
else. My old program kicked in and did
what it had learned to do.
When something becomes habitual,
it is because it has been repeated
numerous times. Learning theories
postulate that if a behavior is reinforced
(rewarded), then it is more likely to be
repeated. Thus, ways of thinking,
feeling, and behaving that have been
repeated over and over, especially if
they were "rewarded," become
automatic. Like the computer, the only
way to change these habitual or
automatic ways of thinking, feeling, and
behaving is to consciously override the
automatic response. To do this requires
that you be present and mindful.
When I automatically took the
wrong exit, I was not present or mindful.
I was absorbed in my thoughts. We might
say that I was somewhere else. When I
"woke up" and became present, I
realized what I had done and could then
change my behavior.
If I were to ask you, "What are you
thinking right now?" you would be able
to separate "you" from your thoughts.
You are not your thoughts. You are not
your feelings. There is a "you" that is
separate from these things.
Our language teaches us to liberally
use "I," "me," and "my." When we use
these terms, we associate our identity
with the thing we attach to them. For
example, "I am tired," would suggest that
"you" are tired, as opposed to "I feel
tired." Your subconscious mind takes
things literally, therefore tiredness
becomes who "you" are.
There are many ways for us to
improve our ability to become more
present and mindful. I knew that I needed
to find a way that would be simple and
effortless, or else I would not stick with
it. I developed an effective process for
becoming more present and mindful that
requires little effort. The process is
called setting "wake-up alarms." In
order for this process to work the most
effectively, you must do this consistently
for one month. After that, it will become
automatic. That is what I had to do.
Almost all of us have a cellular
phone, which has the ability to set
reminder alarms. First, set four to five
"alarms" per day. Usually, it is best to do
it in the morning, noon, mid-afternoon
evening, and before bedtime. You will
only need a minute or two to do this. The
alarm is your signal to "wake up" and
become present.
Schedule a "staff meeting" with your
thoughts and feelings with "you" as the
CEO. During the "meeting" do the
following:
What am I thinking right now?
What am I feeling right now?
Do I want to be thinking/feeling this
right now?
Is there anything that needs to be
done by me right now?
Are my thoughts concentrated on
past events or am I worrying about future
events that haven't happened yet?
Once you become present and
observe your thoughts and feelings, you
have the capacity and ability to mentally
"change the channel" and consciously
override your subconscious mind. Doing
this process routinely will cause your
subconscious mind to learn this new
"habit."
"Between stimulus and response there
is a space. In that space is our power to
choose our response. In our response
 lies our growth and our freedom."
—Viktor E. Frankl

"Don't wait for the right conditions.

All you need for your growth is
available to you in this moment."
—Shri Radhe Maa
Changing the Channel
"By choosing your thoughts, and by
selecting which emotional currents you
will release and which you will
reinforce, you determine the quality of
your Light. You determine the effects
that you will have upon others, and the
nature of the experiences of your life."
—Gary Zukav
"Change your thoughts and you change
your world."
—Norman Vincent Peale
 In those moments when I would
"default" to my old "programming" and
become "unconscious," I would easily
lapse into my "false" self. It was so easy
to get into that state of mind. I would
become absorbed in my thoughts or
reactive to my emotions. I knew that I
had to find a way to change my state of
mind. When I was conscious and present
I had the ability to observe my state of
mind and make the necessary
adjustments. During my "staff meetings,"
I could observe my thoughts and
emotions and if I didn't like what I was
thinking or feeling, then I could "change
the channel."
I had learned that the conscious
thinking part of our mind is not time-
bound. It has the ability to recall past
events, think forward into the future, and
to imagine things that are not possible
(or that do not yet exist). Most of us
spend a lot of time and energy thinking,
but we are usually not aware of what we
are thinking about. If we are not present
to monitor our thoughts, our
subconscious mind takes over and
causes us to think about the same things
over and over. If these things have been
particularly disturbing and troubling, or
if there is a high level of emotion
attached to a memory, then our mind will
prioritize those thoughts as
"IMPORTANT" and put them in the
forefront of our thinking. From here, it
becomes easy to get stuck in a "thinking-
feeling" loop. It would seem that we
become our thoughts and our feelings,
and that they are in control of us, rather
than us controlling them.
The subconscious, emotional mind,
can only operate in the present moment,
hence it is time-bound, unlike the
conscious mind, which is not. All
emotion is experienced in real time,
while thoughts can transcend time and
space. Hence, what we are thinking
about right now is causing us to feel
emotionally what we are feeling right
now. If we are feeling anxious, angry,
sad, afraid, guilty, or a host of other
feelings, it is a direct result of what we
are thinking. Our subconscious mind
cannot differentiate between the thought
of something and the actual thing.
Therefore, if we are thinking of
something disturbing that happened to us
in the past, our mind responds
emotionally as if the event is happening
right now. Of course, the event is no
longer happening. In fact, it no longer
exists. Only the memory, the data, or
information about the event remains.
Humans have an extensive capacity to
store memories and information. We can
recall information about almost any
experience that we have had, especially
if that experience had emotional content
attached.
Have you ever been listening to the
radio when a song came on that you
haven't heard for a long time?
Immediately you began to recall the
memories attached to that song, both
good and bad. If they were pleasant
memories, then you will feel good, and
if they were unpleasant memories, then
you will feel bad. The memory causes an
emotional response in the present
moment based on an experience that
happened long ago.
Many people become "stuck" in this
automatic loop of thinking and feeling.
This becomes their reality. They do not
realize they have the ability to change
this. I find that many people become
their thoughts and feelings. Some people
spend most of their time thinking about
the past. I call this "watching the history
channel." Others spend much of their
time worrying about the future, things
that haven't happened, could happen, or
might never happen. I call this "watching
the sci-fi channel." What we want to do
is to become present. Being present
allows us to experience reality and gives
us the ability to consciously direct our
lives in ways that are more beneficial
and advantageous. I call this "watching
the today show."
Imagine that you turned on your
television and there was a program on
that you did not want to watch. You
would probably pick up the remote
control and change the channel to a
program that you did want to watch. But
what if you turned on the television and
didn't notice what was playing? Instead
you went to the kitchen to fix a
sandwich. All the while you are doing
this, the program that you don't want to
watch is playing in the background. It
isn't until you return to the room with the
television that you become aware that
there is a program on that you do not
want to watch and then you change the
channel.
Your mind works in much the same
way. We cannot do anything to adjust our
mind until we are aware that adjustments
are needed. If we become lost in thought
or are otherwise "offline," then our
subconscious mind takes over and does
what it has been automatically
programmed to do. When our conscious
mind is online, then we have the ability
to make adjustments and decisions, if we
determine that they are necessary. It is
only then that we can decide to "change
the channel."
Here is how to reprogram your
mind:
Schedule a "staff meeting" and
observe your thoughts and feelings.
What channel are you watching in
your mind?
If the program is not one that is
desirable, then imagine picking up the
remote control and mentally change the
channel to any program you desire.
Substitute another thought or picture
in your mind—something more useful or
pleasurable. If you find that this is
difficult to do, then find a way to distract
your mind. I find that when I am
connected in conversation or contact
with another person, I am disconnected
from my thoughts. Also, starting a task
that requires mental effort will usually
engage the "intellectual" mind and
distract it from other thoughts that are not
useful.
 I have had clients carry a remote
control with them to help them practice
and learn this technique. I have also
found that it is useful to have a picture of
a pleasant scene or experience within
easy access or to have some type of
positive affirmation statement or quote
available for use (there are hundreds of
books, calendars, and other media full of
positive quotes and affirmations).
Be advised that in the early stages
of reprogramming your mind, it will be
likely that you will automatically revert
back to the old program. Do not worry;
just change the channel when you notice
that you are watching a program that you
do not want to watch. It takes practice
and repetition. The more mindful and
present that you become, the more you
will notice how your mind has been
working. You will have even more
opportunities to change the channel this
way.

"A man is but the product of his

thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes."
—Mahatma Gandhi
"You must learn a new way to think
before you can master a new way to
be."
—Marianne Williamson
 Your Emotional
Thermometer
"The strangest and most fantastic fact
about negative emotions is that
people actually worship them."
—P. D. Ouspensky
When I would be "offline" and in
my "thinking-feeling" loop, I could
easily become overwhelmed with
emotions. If I was afraid, anxious, angry,
or depressed, I would get "stuck" for
hours, and even days, not even realizing
what I was doing. It didn't occur to me
that I could do anything to change my
state of mind. I kept thinking about the
"problem" at hand and would exhaust
myself trying to "solve" the problem.
What I didn't realize at the time was
that many of the "problems" I was
experiencing were problems that didn't
even exist. For example, I tend to
catastrophize when I perceive something
bad might happen. I think about all the
awful things that could happen. Some
call this "making a mountain out of a
molehill." I have become quite skillful at
doing this. Now there is nothing wrong
with anticipating and preparing for
things that could happen. I just took it to
a new level, and I would imagine all the
terrible things that were going to happen.
I would "what if" myself into a frenzy.
What I didn't know at the time was
that my "emotional" mind didn't get that
the things that I was worrying might
happen, weren't happening right now.
My "emotional" mind was responding to
my thoughts as if the things I was
imagining might happen were happening
right then. My mind was preparing my
body for action. It was putting me in
what is called the "fight or flight" mode.
In this mode the mind and body becomes
supercharged with energy as it prepares
to escape or defend the "threat." This is
useful if we are being chased by a saber-
toothed tiger, but not so useful when the
"threat" is our own mind. In this state of
mind, it is almost impossible to stop
thinking about the thing that is
"threatening" us. After all, it wouldn't be
useful for a rabbit to be thinking about
what he is going to have for dinner,
while he is being chased by a wolf. All
the rabbit can think about is the wolf.
Once the rabbit is safe, his mind
immediately updates. There is no wolf.
There is nothing more that needs to be
done. Now his mind is free to think
about the nice juicy carrot he is about to
have for dinner.
The human mind is much like the
rabbit's thoughts, with one significant
difference. The rabbit's mind doesn't
have the "thinking" part that a human
mind has, therefore the rabbit's mind
cannot think about the past or the future.
Its mind can only operate in the present
moment. The human mind can time
travel. Thus the human's mind can think
about things that have happened or could
happen, and this causes the same
physiological reaction that the rabbit has
when he sees the wolf.
Thinking about something that was
disturbing or troubling in our past, or
worrying about something bad that might
happen in the future, will cause our
bodies to become supercharged with
energy as we are preparing for action,
even though there is usually nothing that
needs to be done by us right now. Often
we will continue to think about and
replay these scenarios or experiences
over and over in our minds. This
confuses our "emotional" mind, as it
believes that whatever we are thinking
about is happening right now. This keeps
our bodies in a constant state of
"readiness" and diverts our vital
resources that are necessary for healing,
maintenance, and repair. It is no wonder
that "stress" causes emotional and
physical illnesses.
Becoming "conscious" and "awake"
gives us an opportunity to adjust and
update our minds. Just by changing our
thoughts ("changing the channel"), we
can alter our emotional response.
Sometimes it is also necessary to change
our emotional response. If we are in a
heightened state of emotional arousal,
such as anger or fear, then we might need
to take steps to "calm" ourselves. This
might seem hard to do, but let's think for
a moment. If a surgeon was performing a
delicate operation on your heart, how
angry or afraid would you want him to
be? I wouldn't want him angry or afraid
at all. I would want him to be alert,
focused, and calm. What if he had just
had an argument with his wife? How
would he adjust his mind, so that he
could perform the surgery?
I knew that I had to find a way to
monitor my emotional state, just like I
was monitoring my thoughts. I also knew
that if I was tired, stressed, and
"offline," that I was more prone to
emotional outbursts, than when I was
rested, conscious, and alert. When I let
things build-up was when I would get
emotionally overwhelmed. I knew that it
was rare that one instance or situation
would cause a meltdown. Usually it was
an accumulation of things, combined
with a lack of awareness that allowed
this build-up of tension that led to the
meltdown. It was like a pressure cooker
that took time to "cook," but blew when
the pressure finally reached the boiling
point. I realized that it was imperative
that I find a way to monitor and adjust
my emotional "temperature" and my
thinking.
Imagine that you have a digital
readout of your "emotional temperature."
Who is reading that temperature? YOU
are, of course. For that moment, you are
not your emotions. You are observing
your emotions. If you can observe them,
then you can control them. A boss of
mine once said, "If you can measure it,
then you can manage it." That also holds
true for your emotions. Most people do
not realize that they can control their
emotional response to almost anything. It
is not necessary to let your emotions
control you, as many do. In order to
"manage" your emotions, then you must
measure them or be aware of them.
What is your "emotional
temperature" right now? Is it where you
would like it to be? If not, then you can
adjust it, right now, to the desired
setting. (Techniques for doing this can be
found in "Filling Your Bucket" and
"Self-Containment," in Part Three;
"Changing the Channel," in Part Four;
and "Pressing the Reset Button," in Part
Six.)
Measuring your "emotional
temperature" is a matter of paying
attention to how you are feeling at any
given moment. Your automobile has a
temperature gauge that displays the
temperature of the engine. It might also
have a digital readout that displays the
temperature inside the vehicle. As you
drive, you might pay attention to these
gauges to make sure your vehicle is
operating correctly or that you remain
comfortable inside the vehicle. If there
is a problem, or if you become too
uncomfortable, the gauges will warn you
or give you the information you need to
make the necessary adjustments and
repairs. This will only work if you
check the gauges and use this
information to make the necessary
adjustments and take the appropriate
action.
Taking your "emotional
temperature" is easy. Think of a
thermometer and let the "temperature"
range from "0" (asleep and relaxed) to
"10" (ready to blow). Ideally, we want
to keep our "emotional" temperature at a
"5" or below. I know a lot of people
who walk around with their "emotional"
temperature constantly at a "7" or higher.
Can you imagine what they are doing to
themselves? That has to be taking its toll
on their physical health and their
emotional well-being. In addition, it
doesn't take much to go from a "7" to a
"10," so they are always at the boiling
point and will often boil over.
See yourself maintaining a desirable
temperature. This requires constant
vigilance and monitoring. Take
immediate action steps to lower your
"temperature," if you notice that it is
getting too high. Use the techniques
described in "Filling Your Bucket" (Part
Three) and "Pressing the Reset Button"
(Part Six) to adjust your temperature and
keep it below a "5" on your
thermometer. If you should find yourself
at a "7" or higher, then it is important to
take immediate action to remove
yourself from the situation you are in.
Remember that you are "self-contained"
and it is your response to the person or
the situation that is causing your
emotional reaction. You can train
yourself to respond differently, just like
the surgeon.
At this point, it would be advisable
to go for a walk or engage in physical
exercise. This will mimic the "fight or
flight" response and help to burn off the
energy and stress chemicals that have
been released throughout your body. It is
also helpful to talk to someone you trust
(but do not keep talking about the thing
that has gotten you upset, as this might
prolong your state of agitation). Being in
connection with another person will
bring you into the present moment and
get your mind adjusted in the correct
direction. Continue this process until you
have gotten your temperature under a
"5."
When you have adjusted your
temperature, begin to think strategically
(not emotionally) about how to respond
to the person or situation. See yourself
reacting from a calm, focused, and
strategic frame of mind. In fact, instead
of watching the "movie" or a replay of
the situation or interaction, become the
director of the "movie" and create an
alternate ending or response with you
responding in a more useful way. As you
do so, also see how others will be
responding to you differently from this
new approach. Athletes use this
technique all the time to mentally
rehearse their performances prior to an
event. It has been proven that doing this
helps to improve their performances.
We usually cannot "control"
situations or other people. We can
control our thoughts and emotions. We
react and respond in predictable and
habitual ways. People tell me, "I have an
anger problem." What has happened is
that they have learned to respond in a
habitual way to people and situations.
By learning to monitor their
"temperature" and by learning "self-
containment," they can change their
reactions and responses. Just remember
—it is your responsibility to remain
self-contained.
Some people have gotten "stuck" re-
experiencing troubling emotions from
past experiences, especially if those
experiences were traumatic. For some of
these people, it might be necessary to
have professional assistance to get this
cleared up, for the exercises in this book
might not be enough. My technique,
called A.C.E.S. (described in a later
chapter), was developed for this
specific purpose and is effective in
clearing negative emotions in a
relatively short period of time. We'll
discuss this technique later in the book.

"For every minute you are angry you

lose sixty seconds of happiness."
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
 Into the Storm
"And once the storm is over, you won't
remember how you made it through,
how you managed to survive. You won't
even be sure, whether the storm is
really over. But one thing is certain,
when you come out of the storm you
won't be the same person who walked
in.
That's what the storm is all about."
—Haruki Murakami
If you were on a boat and were
heading into a storm, seeing the dark
clouds, the howling wind, and the
turbulent sea, how might you be feeling?
Most people would answer, "afraid."
You could panic and be frozen in your
fear, but that would most certainly lead
to your demise. The best strategy would
be to assess what needed to be done
right then to prepare for the storm. You
would do everything that needed to be
done to prepare for what was ahead, and
then you would ride out the storm as best
you could, knowing that you had done
whatever you could to ensure that you
would come out all right. If, during the
storm, other things occurred to you that
needed to be done, you would make the
necessary adjustments and continue to
ride out the storm. You could not prevent
the storm, and you could not avoid it.
After the storm had passed and you
found yourself standing at the back of the
boat looking at the storm that you had
already been through, how might you be
feeling? Most people would say,
"relieved." If you walked to the front of
the boat and looked at the calm seas
ahead, how might you feel? Most would
say, "calm and peaceful."
Many of us go through life looking
behind the "boat" at storms that we have
already experienced and survived. We
relive the worst moments of these storms
in our minds and often find ourselves
"stuck" in an endless "storm" reliving the
worst moments. While our "thinking"
mind can continue to remember and
relive the "storm," our "emotional
mind," which can only respond in the
present moment, causes us to feel bad.
Our emotional mind cannot differentiate
between the "storm" and the thought or
memory of the "storm." A part of the
mind affected by the terror of the storm
hasn't gotten that the storm is over. The
fact is that you survived!
So as you stand at the back of the
boat, looking at the storm that has
already passed, your "emotional" mind
continues to make you feel bad because
it thinks that you are still facing the
storm. What is needed is for you to turn
around and get your mind to see the calm
seas ahead. This will immediately signal
your "emotional" mind that "all is well"
and there is nothing that needs to be done
by you right now. There is no storm to
prepare for or to fear.
Many of us go through life stuck in
the "storms" of our past that have long
since passed. While we "survived,"
facets of our minds became "stuck" or
"frozen" in the "storm." Thus we began
trying to move forward, while facets of
our minds looked backward. Imagine
going forward, while looking backward.
That will certainly impede your progress
and maybe even cause you to crash. Our
"emotional" minds, believing that we are
hopelessly stuck in the storm will cause
us to feel bad, wanting the storm to stop.
It doesn't know that the storm has long
since passed.
These negative emotions and
thoughts might influence our choices and
decisions and might have a negative
impact on our happiness and well-being.
Some people might be so impacted by
past "storms," that they are afraid of
moving forward, fearing future storms
that haven't even happened.
In order to move toward the "calm,"
we have train our minds to look
forward, instead of feeling compelled to
look at where we've already been. We
study history to learn the lessons of the
past, so we do not repeat them. If you
are one who dwells in the past, have you
learned the lessons from your
experiences? Can dwelling on the past
change the outcome of history? Could it
have been any different than it was? If
you are here, now, then that is proof that
you survived!
We might say that those experiences
were the fire that forged the steel of
whom YOU are now, whom YOU have
become. If you have learned the lessons
from those experiences, then we might
also say that you are stronger and wiser,
having had them, than those who have
never had those experiences. Dwelling
in the past is useless, if there is nothing
left to be learned. It is a needless waste
of energy and vital resources. We
certainly cannot change history in the
present moment. History no longer
exists! Only the information and the
memories exist, not the events.
Once the mind gets that there is
nothing that needs to be done and that the
past is over, it will cease to produce
negative emotions that are trying to
motivate you to do something that is
impossible to do and trying to get you to
change something that has already
happened. If you are one who worries
about the future, then you can use a
similar process to adjust your mind's
response. Usually we worry about things
that might happen, could happen, and
might never happen. We might even
imagine things that are not even real that
might be happening or that could happen.
Remember, our "thinking" mind can think
about all kinds of things that do not exist.
Nonetheless, our "emotional" mind will
react to what our thinking mind is
dwelling on, as if what we are thinking
about is actually happening right now in
the present moment.
Follow these steps to adjust your
mind and become PRESENT:
1. Do a self-check-in. What are you
thinking and feeling right now?
2. Is there anything that needs to be
done by you right now?
3. What is your mind trying to
motivate you to do right now?
4. If it is trying to get something to
stop or change in your past or in your
future, then it is IMPOSSIBLE to do
anything RIGHT NOW! Say that out loud
five times.
5. Think of whatever it is that is
troubling you. Say it loudly, with
emotion, "I CAN'T" and "There is
nothing that needs to be done by me right
now." Say it several times repeatedly.
6. Now, notice that you are feeling
less disturbed and more at ease. Repeat
steps 1–5 until you are no longer feeling
troubled.

"To try is to risk failure. But risk must

be taken because the greatest hazard of
life is to risk nothing. The person who
risks nothing does nothing, has
nothing, and is nothing. He may avoid
suffering and sorrow, but he simply
cannot learn, feel, change, grow, live,
and love."
—Leo Buscaglia
 PART FIVE
What Is My
Purpose in Life?
Finding Your Purpose
"The purpose of life is a life of
purpose."
—Robert Byrne
"Each person comes into this world
with a specific destiny. He has
something to fulfill, some message to
be delivered, some work has to be
completed. You are not here
accidentally, you are here
meaningfully.
There is a purpose behind you.
 The whole intends to do something
through you."
—Osho
I had been going through the motions
of life, as many of us do, without a real
awareness of what my life was about. I
thought it was about the trappings of life,
such as a family, a career, an education,
and accomplishments. While those things
are important in certain ways, they are
usually done without purpose. When one
does things with a purpose, then it gives
meaning and value to those things. If
there is a purpose to our life, then what
is it supposed to be?
At some point, most of us question
our purpose in life. "Why are we here on
this planet?" I have spent countless hours
thinking about that question. At times, I
have felt like there is no "purpose" to
life at all, and there have been other
times when I was sure that there was
meaning and value beyond our day-to-
day existence. For me, it boiled down to
a "spiritual" question. Do I believe in a
power greater than myself? If there is a
power greater than myself, then what is
the reason for my existence?
I never really could give an honest
answer to that question, and thus I
became robotic and automatic in my life.
I lost my bearings and lived my life
without meaning. Along the way, I lost
my passion, I lost my drive, and I lost
the excitement of being alive. The
"book" never told me that there was a
purpose for my "being" on this planet. Of
course, seeing myself as flawed,
inadequate, and not "enough" didn't help
much either. It wasn't until I discovered
my "TRUE" self that I began to
understand that there was a "purpose" to
my life.
The first purpose was to "be" my
"TRUE" self. When I was "being" my
"TRUE" self, I felt alive and passionate
about life. I realized that I was
connected to something much greater
than myself and that when I was
connected to that "power," I could do
great things. I also realized that when I
pushed my ego aside and opened up to
that "power," I was nothing more than a
vessel being used for some greater
"purpose." As I recognized my "TRUE"
self, I could see there were unique gifts
and talents that were given to me by this
"power," and it was up to me to manifest
them in such a way as to cocreate a
better world.
I believe that we all have a
"purpose" for being on this planet, and it
is our duty to find that "purpose" and to
make our lives about carrying out that
purpose. The pathway to discovering our
true "purpose" is to first discover our
"TRUE" selves. Can you just imagine
what the world would look like if
everyone was being their "TRUE"
selves and living a life of "purpose"?
As I pondered the question of my
"purpose," it occurred to me that I
needed to have some way of visualizing
my life and how I wanted it to be. It also
occurred to me that many people never
have a chance to discover their
"purpose" until it is too late. They get to
the end of their lives and look back,
often with regret, at the things they
wished they had done, at choices they
should have made differently, at risks
they should have taken, and at
opportunities lost. "Why wait until it is
too late?" I thought to myself.
I have found that by looking back
from the perspective of the end of our
lives, we can come up with at least a
partial answer to the question regarding
our "purpose." If you were at the end of
your life, looking back at the totality of
the life you had lived, what would you
have wanted it to be about? How would
you have liked it to be?
I have always known that I have a
gift for helping others. For as long as I
can remember, I have always been about
helping others. I guess this was a
byproduct of my "programming" that
trained me to focus on everyone else's
well-being. Nonetheless, I was good at
it, and it gave me a sense of satisfaction
to see other people change and feel
better as a result of things that I did. In
that sense, I was already living my
"purpose," but I didn't yet have a clear
understanding of what this was about.
As I thought about how I would
have liked my life to be, I had the idea to
imagine myself sitting in the back of the
room at my funeral. I wondered what
people would say about me. Of course, I
wanted them to say good things, but as I
thought even more, I began to think about
what things I would want them to say. I
wanted them to say more than "He was a
good man" or that "He was very
accomplished." I wanted them to say
what I had done to make a positive
difference in their lives and on the lives
of others.
That is when I realized that my
"purpose" was to create the life that
would ensure these were the things that
were said about me. I wanted no regrets
and no doubts in my mind or in other
people's minds that I had lived a
"purposeful" life. I decided then to write
my own "eulogy." This would give me a
starting point to what my life would be
about. Having this in mind would give
me a yardstick to measure how I was
doing and if adjustments were needed
should I get off track.
The word "integrity" came back up.
If I were in integrity with my "TRUE"
self, then I would be able to better fulfill
my "purpose." Not only would I need to
remain in integrity with my "TRUE" self,
but I would also need to remain in
integrity with my "purpose." In some
ways this would seem like a lot of work,
and, to some extent, it is, but I knew that
by doing so that I would be happy and
fulfilled. What better effort than the
effort that we take in being ourselves
and in making the world a better place?
 Your Eulogy
"The music that you hear inside of you
urging you to take risks and follow
your dreams is your intuitive
connection to the purpose in your heart
since birth. Be enthusiastic about all
that you do. Have that passion with the
awareness that the word enthusiasm
literally means "the God (enthos)
within (iasm)." Don't die with your
music still in you."
—Wayne W. Dyer
 Imagine yourself sitting in the back
of the room at your funeral. What do you
want the person delivering your eulogy
to say about you? Quite often he or she
will speak of the dead person's
accomplishments, degrees, or work. The
most touching eulogies, however, are the
ones that speak about the impact that a
person had on the lives of others.
Take a moment to think about what
you would like your eulogy to say about
you. What impact would you like to have
had on the lives of others? I will use my
own example to help you in this
exercise:
"John was a gifted teacher and
healer. He made a difference in
people's lives. He was selfless and
always treated people with dignity,
compassion, and respect. He was
loving and giving in many ways. He
went out of his way to offer help to
those in need, and as a result he
changed many people's lives.
While there is no way to count the
number of people who he helped, it
is safe to say that for each person
he touched, hundreds more were
 touched as those people paid
forward what they had received."
I cried when I read what I had
written. I wasn't sad; instead I was
feeling a sense of happiness and
fulfillment like I had never felt before. I
read this to several people and
explained the process to them. It also
brought tears to their eyes, and they
couldn't wait to do this for themselves.
 Your Tombstone
After writing your eulogy, take a
moment to re-read it. Try to condense
your eulogy into one small phrase or
sentence, maybe even a word or two.
This will be what will be etched on your
tombstone for all to see for eternity.
What do you want it to say?
Here is mine:
"He made a difference."
Each day I strive to make a positive
difference in some way with everyone I
encounter. At the end of each day, I ask
myself if I lived up to that purpose. It is
a way to measure if I am living my
"purpose."
My purpose in life is to make a
positive difference in the lives of others.
How I do that is unique to my own gifts
and talents. For me, I realize that I am
gifted as a healer, so I find ways to offer
"healing" and comfort to those I
encounter. I am blessed with the ability
to work in a field that allows me to do
this, but you do not necessarily have to
work in a job that directly relates to your
purpose. That is not always possible. I
will say that too many people work in
jobs that are contrary to or stifling their
purpose. If you feel lost, burned-out, or
if you just plain hate your job, it might
be time to rethink your purpose in life.
Ask yourself these questions.
How can I manifest my purpose?
What am I passionate about?
What motivates and excites me?
What dreams do I have that I never
realized?
 What special gifts or talents do I
have that I might not be using?
What is the last thing I created?
What captivates my attention and
interest?
Answers to these questions will
help you unlock the door to your true
purpose. Now, see yourself doing these
things. If it is something that you used to
do, dust it off and start doing it again. If
you dreamed of doing it but never did,
begin to plan a way to begin doing what
you have always dreamed of doing. It is
unique and different for each of us.
Follow your heart. Do not follow
someone else's script. Be sure not to
limit yourself with negative judgments,
such as,
"I could never . . ."
"It costs too much."
"I'm too old."
"I don't have time."
"It's silly."
"It's not practical."
"I'd have to give up everything."
 "What would people think?"
These are called limiting beliefs.
You stop yourself before you ever get
started. Doing this is guaranteed to keep
you stuck.
To summarize the exercises you
need to do:
Write your eulogy and your
"tombstone" epitaph.
Make a list, answering the questions
above.
Create a plan designed to begin
engaging in your unique purpose.
 Do it now.
Catch yourself thinking any limiting
thoughts.
"Being humble means recognizing that
we are not on earth to see how
important we can become, but to see
how much difference we can make in
the lives of others."
—Gordon B. Hinckley
"The only person you are destined to
become is the person you decide to be."
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
 Your Mission
I believe that having a clear and
meaningful personal "mission" statement
is critical to understanding our
"purpose" and in keeping us on track
with our "TRUE" selves. I have learned
that a mission statement should include
two things: a vision and an action. The
"vision" is a broad picture of what you
are trying to create or accomplish. How
do you see the world or the people in
your life benefitting from your time here
on this planet? How will you impact the
world (whether it is one person or the
entire planet) with your unique set of
gifts and talents? The "action" has to do
with how you see yourself enacting the
"vision." How will you be using your
"TRUE" self to accomplish this mission?
Successful businesses and
organizations develop a mission
statement to help guide them and to keep
them on track with their main purpose. I
have seen many of these statements, and
some are well thought out and
meaningful, while others are unclear and
confusing. Good mission statements
contain both a clear vision and a
specific action. Poor mission statements
usually lack one or both of these
elements.
When I see someone struggling in
life, I am certain they are not clear about
their "purpose." Like me, they are
probably going through the motions,
believing that their true "purpose" lies in
the teachings of their "book." They have
no clue about where they are going or on
how to get there. They are seeking
happiness and fulfillment outside of
themselves, because no one ever taught
them to trust their own "internal
guidance system." The answers are
already there. We just have to learn to
ask the right questions and to listen to the
"truth" that emanates from within.
I have struggled with this issue for
most of my life. There were times when
I listened to my "internal guidance
system," but for the most part I did not.
This caused me to make choices and
decisions that were not always in my
best interest. What I found was that my
"internal" system was more accurate,
and it knew what was best for me all
along. No one ever taught me to trust my
own intuition. I learned to listen to what
other people said, and I was expected to
comply with their wishes and
expectations, even when they conflicted
with my own needs and wants. How
could I ever trust myself, if I believed
that other people knew "better"?
As a result it has taken many years
to learn to trust my own internal "GPS."
Doing this took a lot of courage, because
I had to be willing to risk "failure" and
rejection. I had to face my fear of
rejection and my own self-doubt to start
relying on myself. When I started doing
this, I became more self-confident, and I
was able to make better choices and
decisions. I am certainly open to the
input of others, especially if they are
"trusted" friends and colleagues who
have my best interest in mind. But I
always take that input and process it
through my internal "GPS" to make sure
that it resonates truthfully, and that it
doesn't take me out of integrity with my
"TRUE" self or my mission.
Now you might have never thought
about your true "purpose" or mission.
You might not have even realized that
you have special gifts and talents that
were designed for your own special
"purpose." You might not have even seen
yourself as having much of an impact on
the "world" at all. I certainly did not,
until I was introduced to this concept
through some personal growth work that
I did several years ago. Even then it has
taken me several years to grasp the
power of "purpose."
Before this, I was just bumbling
along through life on "automatic pilot"
without much thought about what I was
doing or why I was doing it. I was just
blindly following the "book," thinking
that this was the main "purpose" of my
life. It wasn't until I discovered that
there really was a "purpose" to my life
that I began to work on understanding
and crafting my personal "mission."
Being accountable to my "mission" and
living my "purpose" has given me a way
to measure my "progress" and to keep
me in integrity with my "TRUE" self.
Each day I can ask myself, "Did I
follow my mission today?" If I did, then
I was in integrity. If I did not, then I was
out of integrity, and I would know that I
needed to make adjustments the next day
to get back on track. I do this without
judgment or shameful thoughts (a new
one for me), because I know that it is
easy to fall back into old habits and
become "unaware." My "mission" is just
another way to help me to stay in
integrity with my "TRUE" self and also
with my "purpose."
My personal "mission" statement
has been updated and revised a few
times since I originally composed it. I
review it frequently to make sure that it
still fits. I haven't changed it
significantly over time, but it was
interesting to look at the changes I did
make, as they were reflective of my own
personal growth and of the growing
awareness of my "TRUE" self.
My own personal "mission"
statement is:
"I create miracles by transforming
darkness into light"
Now, that might seem grandiose to
some people, but I learned that our
"purpose" is much greater that we could
ever imagine, and it might not ever be
totally accomplished in our lifetime. I
can assure you that I have given much
thought to the words in this statement.
Each one is powerful to me and means
something significant. In a sentence,
these words capture and describe who I
am and what I am about.
My "purpose" in life is to transform
the "darkness" I see in others into "light"
by helping them to find the "light" of
their "TRUE" selves. I have to do this
with me first to be able to do it
effectively with others. I have seen that
when people begins to see the "light" of
their "TRUE" self, their pain and
suffering disappears. I did this for
myself and now I make my life about
doing this for others. In order for me to
do this, I must remain in integrity with
my "TRUE" self. When I see a person's
"darkness" disappear, then I believe that
I have helped to perform a "miracle."
When this happens I feel energized and
empowered. I have certainly had a
positive impact on that person, but how
many people's lives will be impacted by
the transformation of just one person? I
cannot even begin to estimate the actual
numbers. For each person who I help,
there will be many others whose lives
will be forever changed as a result.
Now you can see how it all flows
together. Your "eulogy" helps you to
form an idea about your "purpose." Your
"tombstone" is just a quick way to
summarize your "purpose," and your
"mission" statement is a way to measure
your progress toward living your life of
"purpose." Staying in integrity with your
"TRUE" self and your "purpose" will
give you a newfound sense of life and
meaning. From here. you can chart a
course toward whatever destination is
best for you based on however you
choose to manifest your "TRUE" self as
you live your "mission."

"There are no extra pieces in the

universe. Everyone is here because he
or she has a place to fill, and every
piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw
puzzle."
—Deepak Chopra
"Don't wait for miracles, your whole
life is a miracle."
—Albert Einstein
PART SIX
Where Am I
Going?
 Finding Your
Destination
"All you need is the plan, the roadmap,
and the courage to press on to your
destination."
—Earl Nightingale
Once I had discovered my "TRUE"
self and my "purpose," I began to picture
how I was going to live my "mission."
Now I could begin to create a life that
was meaningful and one that would bring
me that sense of happiness and
fulfillment. I was free to steer my "boat"
in whatever direction that I chose.
Before that, I had felt like I was floating
aimlessly in the water, being pulled by
the currents of life and occasionally
bashed by the waves. In other words, I
didn't have a direction.
My motivations had always been
about achieving, accomplishing, and
acquiring things. This wasn't without
merit, but without a sense of "purpose"
and without awareness, I was following
the "book" without a plan of what was
best for me. Without "purpose," I would
go from one thing to the other, and when
I would reach a certain destination or
achieve a particular goal, then I would
have a moment of satisfaction and then
be off to the next thing. I hated the
boredom of just "being" and would have
to find something to fill the void.
Once I found my "purpose," then I
knew that those times of "being" were
opportunities to regroup, reflect, and
recharge. They were opportunities to
"check-in" and to make sure that I was in
integrity. I could mark my progress and
make sure that I was still on course. I
had always looked at where I had been
without a clue as to where I was going.
Now you can see where I got the idea
that I wasn't "enough." How could I
measure my "progress" toward my
"destination," when I didn't know where
I was heading? I couldn't feel satisfied,
because I had no map to tell me where I
was going or where I had been. I wasn't
steering my own boat.
If you were planning a vacation,
what would be the first thing you should
decide? Hopefully you answered,
"Where I would be going." In other
words, you need a destination. Without
that, you cannot figure out the best route
to get there. Each of us needs a
destination, a target for the direction of
our life. Without that, it is like you are in
a boat, floating aimlessly in the sea,
victim of the winds and the tide.
Once you determine your
destination, then you can chart a course
and set sail with intention and purpose.
You can measure your progress and
know that you are on course. Along the
way, you might encounter storms and
obstacles that threaten your progress and
might even tempt you to alter your
course. With an eye on your destination,
however, you always know that your
dream is on the other side of any storm
that you might encounter. This will
motivate you to persevere and keep on
going. You are always free to alter your
course or even change your destination,
but you must have something to move
toward, or else you will become stuck
or even find yourself looking back at
where you have been, looking at the past
without a plan for the future.
What is your destination? If you are
unsure, try this exercise:
Imagine that you are an artist and
that you have a blank canvas in front of
you with all of the colors of the rainbow
at your disposal. What would you paint
on the canvas? If that picture was the
picture of your life, of your destination,
how would you like your life to look?
What would the finished product look
like?
Every artist has a vision of the
finished product before they ever start
painting on the canvas. If you could
envision your life, as you desire it to be,
that what would you paint on your
canvas?
If you are artistic, then take some
paper or get a blank canvas and begin to
paint a picture or create a design or
symbol representing the life that you
desire when you reach your destination.
Even if you are not an artist, you can still
do this exercise. Just close your eyes
and envision how you would see
yourself living your life as you progress
toward and finally reach your
destination. Now, think of a design or a
symbol to represent this picture in your
mind. Be creative, but just allow your
subconscious mind to create the perfect
symbol. It might be a color, or it might
be something in nature—a wild animal
or bird, something from the sea,
something from the sky. Whatever comes
to mind is perfect. Anchor this symbol in
your mind, and, if you care to, find
examples, pictures, or objects that you
can keep around to remind you of your
destination.
Another way to become clear about
your destination is to create a list, as I
have outlined below. The list is divided
into several categories designed to get
you to think "holistically" about your
life. As you move toward emotional
wholeness, you will be looking at all
aspects of your life to achieve
"balance." I have found that when these
areas are in a relative state of "balance,"
then we are happier and more fulfilled.
We are in a state of "integrity" with who
we really are.
Here are some areas that are
important to consider when you are
considering "balance":
 Self
Work/Career
Education
Emotional
Spiritual
Relationships
Begin to list all the things that you
desire in each of these categories. Do
not limit yourself or eliminate anything,
but do make note of any negative
(limiting) thoughts that arise, such as, "I
can't." "It's impossible." "It'll never
happen." "It's too much."
If your mind can conceive of it, then
you can do it. It can move toward it, if
you believe that it is possible. Limiting
beliefs and negative thinking can block
us from getting what we want. Do not
think about how you are going to do the
things on your list. That will come later.
Just begin to get clear about what you
want and your "destination." Your mind
will begin to organize toward these
things, if you keep your list handy and
refer to it often.
 Become clear on your destination
and then you can plan your route. That's
half the fun. Someone said, "It's not the
destination, it's the journey." One of my
clients summed it up this way, "You can
take the freeway or the city streets. Both
will get you to the same place." One way
gets you there more quickly (unless you
live in Los Angeles), and the other is
more scenic and offers many detours and
experiences. Neither way is wrong. It is
just a choice.
"You get there by realizing that you are
already there."
—Eckhart Tolle
 Who Is Steering Your
Ship?
"Intuition literally means learning from
within. Most of us were not taught how
to use this sense, but all of us know
well that "gut" feeling. Learn to trust
your inner feeling and it will become
stronger. Avoid going against your
better judgment or getting talked into
things that just don't feel right."
—Doe Zantamata
I meet with a lot of people who
believe and act like they are victims of
life. They feel helpless to do anything
about their situation or to influence the
outcome of their future. When I
encounter these people, I ask them one
simple question, "Who is steering your
ship?" Who has control of their wheel as
they sail through life? For these people,
it is usually someone or something other
than themselves.
That was true for me for most of my
life, and I didn't even know it. I had
become an unwilling passenger on the
cruise through my life and had really
little idea where it was that I was
sailing. I did not take the "wheel,"
although I believed that I was sailing my
own ship. I tended to relinquish my
"power" to others, especially to the
women in my life. I was so focused on
pleasing others and making them happy,
that I would usually defer to them when
a decision needed to be made or when
there were plans to be decided. "What
do you want to do?" was my usual
response. I almost never said what it
was that I wanted. Even if I did I would
be quick to give in and go with the
wishes of others.
I am almost embarrassed to think
that I have been so passive with my life.
I am better now at knowing what it is
that I want and where I am going in life.
Now that I am aware of my "true" self
and my "purpose," I can stay on course. I
am the "captain" of my ship, and it is up
to me to steer it on the correct course.
That requires integrity and mindfulness.
Ask yourself, "Am I controlling the
wheel of my ship, or is someone else?
Am I a passenger in my own life, or am I
the captain of my ship?"
If you are unhappy with your present
circumstances or have been the recipient
of misfortune, then who is to blame?
What would it take to regain control of
the wheel? Would you have to wrestle
control away from someone else? Is it
easier to be a passenger and let someone
else sail the ship, even if you don't like
where you are going or where you have
been?
If you are not in control of your own
ship, then it is time to grab the wheel.
Grabbing the wheel means making a
clear commitment to yourself to be in
charge of and responsible for your
thoughts, feelings, and actions. It means
being accountable for the consequences
of your choices, conscious or
unconscious, intended or unintended. It
might be best to not only become
accountable to yourself, but to also find
someone who you trust to help hold you
accountable and to keep you focused and
in integrity. It can be difficult to be self-
accountable, because our subconscious
minds will cause us to think, feel, and do
automatically as we have done in the
past. Others might be able to spot this in
us before we are aware, therefore the
feedback from a trusted friend is
important in our pursuit of accountability
and integrity. I have a few people who I
trust with my life. They are more than
willing to call me out when they see me
giving my power away or otherwise
being out of integrity.
If you are not already steering your
own "ship," then who is steering it and
how did they get there? Sometimes
people in our lives have inserted
themselves behind the wheel, either
because we were too young or because
we were unaware to know better and
could not stop them. We might have even
grown used to letting someone else do
the sailing. Maybe we are afraid to take
the wheel, fearing rejection or hurt.
Maybe we fear hurting or rejecting
someone else if we do so.
Look deeply inside and ask
yourself, "What do I risk, give up, or
have to change if I take over the wheel?"
Some might fear change or the unknown.
Some might fear being alone or being
rejected and abandoned by another.
Some might fear failure or they might
even fear success. Some might have no
idea where to drive their ship, even if
they have control of the wheel.
With that said, it might be useful to
combine this exercise with "Finding
Your Destination" (Part Six). You cannot
get where you want to go, until you have
determined where you are going. Even
when you have determined where you
are going, then you have to chart a
course. Even when you have charted a
course, you must have control of the
wheel to move yourself in the right
direction. Just be careful not to run your
"ship" aground or be seduced by the
"sirens" that will pull you onto the rocks.
This is where remaining in integrity will
pay dividends. Be sure to bring aboard a
"crew" of trusted mates, so you know
they will help you keep your "ship" on
course and out of troubled waters.

"The best way to predict the future is to

create it."
—Peter Drucker
 Pay It Forward
(Write Your Own
Story)
"Every human is an artist. The dream
of your life is to make beautiful art."
—Miguel Angel Ruiz
If we think of our life as a movie or
a book, then it might be useful to take a
look at our personal stories. Every story
has a beginning, middle, and an end. For
most of us, we are in the middle of our
stories, even if we do not realize it. We
can do nothing to change the story that
has already been written, but we can
certainly change the story going forward.
The story is not over, and the ending has
not yet been determined. Each of us has
the ability to create the story of our
lives, from this moment on.
I lived most of my life as an "actor"
in a "movie," and I was following a
"script" that I did not write. I was not
conscious of this for many years, and so
I continued to do as I had been
"programmed" to do, without any sense
of control over the outcome. I had the
"illusion" that I was in control, but in
retrospect I was only following a
"script" that someone else had written
for my life. Until I became aware of this,
I could not have changed the way the
story played out. I had to fire the old
"author" and become the writer and
director of my own story.
As you look at your own story, what
do the scenes/chapters contain as you
recall the story of your life from your
birth to the present moment? For many of
us, there are happy moments and sad
moments. As you recall the story of your
life, you will do so through the lens of
your beliefs and your old
"programming." If these beliefs are
distorted, which they often are, then it
will be like looking at your life through
a kaleidoscope. Everything will seem a
certain way, even if it is not. The "spin"
that we put on our stories will have a
profound effect on how we think and feel
about ourselves and how we perceive
the world around us.
We might think of our story as
having been written thus far by someone
else. By this I mean that if we view our
story through someone else's lens, then
we will live our lives based on someone
else's version or "script," instead of our
own. We have been a character in
someone else's story or an actor in a
movie that we did not direct. We were
playing a part and believing that this was
our life, but we were following someone
else's script without being aware that
this is what we have been doing. Having
been influenced in our early years by the
significant others in our lives and by our
experiences, we have gotten used to
habitually living our lives based on the
"programs" that were installed in our
formative years.
What if we were the author of our
own story or the writer and director of
our own movie? If you were to write the
story of your life from this point
forward, what would you want it to look
like?
The first thing that needs to happen
is to remove the distortions that might
have resulted from your old
programming. If you continue to write
your story from this distorted
perspective, then you are not free to
create the life you want, the one that is
true to who you really are. By
discovering your "TRUE" self and your
"purpose" you will be able to clear any
distortions and have a more accurate
view of yourself and what you would
like your "movie" to contain.
Sometimes people get stuck
replaying their old "movie" over and
over again, looking for a different ending
to a story that has already been written.
Many people will try to do this by
thinking, "if only" or "I should have."
This causes them to become stuck in the
"past" and leads to negative emotions.
Trying to move forward, while looking
back, is difficult, if not impossible, but
many find themselves doing just this.
They are not looking forward toward the
next scenes in the movie or the next
chapters of their story; thus they continue
to watch the loop of the story that has
already happened and believe that this is
their life story forever and that they are
helpless to change the outcome. They do
not realize that the movie has not ended,
and the story is not over.
In every great movie, the "hero"
faces challenges and adversities, which
they must overcome to "get the prize" at
the end. Each of us is our own "hero" in
our own stories, and we all face some
type of challenges or adversities during
our lives. If we continue to re-enact the
scenes that have already been filmed,
then we become "stuck" reacting and
reliving our pasts rather than creating
our futures. Rather than replay old
scenes, we need to look forward and
begin to create the next scenes or
chapters.
When I began to do this for myself, I
felt a sense of excitement and relief. I
felt that I was now in charge of my own
"story" and could create the one that I
wanted, rather than the one that had
already been written. All it took was for
me to think about the next
scenes/chapters and to decide how I
wanted them to look.
I saw myself writing this book and
creating workshops and seminars that
would help thousands of people become
their "TRUE" selves. I saw myself
feeling happy and fulfilled, living out my
"purpose" and being in integrity with my
"TRUE" self. The power to do this was
now in my hands. In reality it always
was, but I just didn't know it.
See yourself as the author of your
story or the director of your movie.
Become the creator of your story. There
are two exercises that are useful in
accomplishing this process. They are
outlined as follows.
 My Movie
1. Close your eyes and watch the
"movie" of your life from birth to
present. It is often useful to break this
down into "scenes."
For example,
Scene I = birth to age 5;
Scene II = ages 6–10;
and so forth to NOW.
2. If there are any "scenes" that are
particularly memorable and/or
disturbing, make note of how you are
feeling.
3. Close your eyes and create the
next "scene" from NOW to whenever.
You can determine what this scene
contains and how long this "scene" lasts.
It can look however you would like it to
look. When you have completed the
"scene" open your eyes.
4. Now watch the entire "movie"
again, including the new scene. Check
how this changes the way you are
feeling. Notice if there is a positive
change. If not, notice what is lacking.
Are you stuck on a particular scene, or
was your new scene based on old
"programs"?
5. Close your eyes once more. Now
create the next two "scenes" past the one
that you previously created. Give
yourself time to think as vividly as
possible. Open your eyes once that you
have completed the next "scenes." As
before, watch the "movie" in its entirety,
including the newly created "scenes."
Again, notice the change in feeling.
6. Congratulations! You are now
looking forward and creating your life as
YOU would like it to be.
7. As you move forward,
manifesting the next scenes, remember to
keep creating new ones. Stay at least a
"scene" or two ahead of where you are
NOW. You are the writer and director,
so you are always free to change the
content of any "scene" BEFORE you
have actually "shot" the film or written
the chapter.
If you are not a "visual" person, then
you might wish to take pen to paper and
try writing your own story. Become the
"author" of your own "book."
 My Story
Chapter I
The History of My Life
Chapter II
What I Want My Life to Look Like
Now
Chapter III
Where Am I Going?
Chapter IV
How Will I Get There?
 "We do not heal the past by dwelling
there; we heal the past by living fully in
the present."
—Marianne Williamson
 Pressing the Reset
Button
"You must have a room, or a certain
hour or so a day, where you don't know
what was in the newspaper that
morning, you don't know who your
friends are, you don't know what you
owe anybody, you don't know what
anybody owes you. This is a place
where you can simply experience and
bring forth what you are and what you
might be."
 —Joseph Campbell
Sometimes I find myself getting
distracted and overwhelmed with the
activities of daily living. When I am
"offline," I am at risk of "defaulting" to
my old "programming." It is at these
times when I need to reground myself
and have a "staff meeting." When my
"wake-up" alarm sounds, or when I
become aware that I am out of "integrity"
with my "TRUE" self, then I know it is
time to press the "reset" button to
become present and calm. I developed a
way to do this for myself that has been
quite effective, and I invite you to give it
a try. It is quick and relatively effortless
but it works well. I do it at least one or
two times per day, sometimes more
often.
Close your eyes and imagine
yourself thinking, feeling, and doing all
the things that you envisioned on your
list of what you want, living your
"purpose," and traveling toward your
"destination." As you do so, allow your
mind to bring forth a symbol
representing you realizing your
"purpose" and accomplishing your
"mission." Here it is useful to think of a
wild animal or bird, something in nature,
or something in the sky. Maybe there is a
color that comes to mind. What is the
first thing that pops into your mind?
(Make sure that your symbol is
something that doesn't already have a
meaning attached to it, such as your
family pet.)
Now, get into a relaxed position. In
your mind, think of your symbol and, as
you do so, inhale deeply. As you exhale,
allow your eyes to close. Begin to notice
your breathing. As you notice your
breathing, become aware that your
breathing is getting deeper and slower,
all on its own. As your breathing gets
deeper and slower, you begin to feel
yourself dropping, relaxing as if you are
sinking deeper into your seat. Imagine
that you are descending a long flight of
stairs. Each time you exhale, you
descend another step. With each exhale,
say to yourself the phrase, "I release
everything that is no longer useful or
desired."
As you approach the bottom of the
stairs, you might be aware of certain
physical sensations in your body, such as
vibrations, twitches, or tingling
sensations. This is your mind adjusting,
freeing up, and shifting energy toward
what you have envisioned and desired.
As your mind reorganizes and updates,
you continue to descend farther down the
stairs. You might go as deep as you like,
for as long as you like. When you are
ready to return, just begin to climb back
up to the top of the stairs. Take as much
time as you like. When you reach the top
of the stairs, open your eyes.
What was the experience like for
you? Most people will feel a sense of
peace and relaxation. I call this process
"pressing the reset button" of your mind.
Do this process one or two times per
day, especially at bedtime, just before
you fall asleep, and in the morning, on
awakening.
It might be useful to record this
process and listen to it as you reset your
mind. The more you repeat this process,
the more your mind will organize itself
toward what you envision. You can
create your own "masterpiece"!
 "When you connect to the silence
within you,
that is when you can make sense of the
disturbance going on around you."
—Stephen Richards
 PART SEVEN
You Have Arrived!
 You Are Home
"I wish I could show you when you are
lonely or in darkness, the astonishing
light of your own being."
—Hafiz of Shiraz
I am "enough." That is what I now
believe. In fact, I am greater than I ever
imagined. As I am sitting here, right
now, writing the final words of this
book, I am feeling happy, peaceful, and
excited. I am in integrity with my
"TRUE" self and with my "purpose." I
am living my "mission," and I know that
I am making a difference in people's
lives. I no longer believe that I am not
"enough." That nagging voice inside my
head is quiet, for the first time that I can
remember. I still have momentary lapses,
when I "default" into my "false" self.
This happens from time to time, but I just
press my "reset" button, change the
channel, and make the necessary
adjustments to get back into integrity
with my "TRUE" self.
It occurs to me that if you have
gotten to this point in the book, and if
you have started doing the exercises and
processes described herein, then you are
now also closer to being your "TRUE"
self. You can now start to answer the
questions, "Who am I?" and "What is my
purpose?" You now can determine if you
are in "integrity" with your "TRUE" self
and with your "purpose."
If you are in integrity, then you will
be noticing that you are feeling better
than you have felt in a long time. There
will be an absence of fear, doubt, shame,
and guilt. Your energy level will have
increased and you will be noticing that
people respond to you in a different way.
If you have been out of integrity for a
long time, then some people in your life,
who have grown accustomed to your
"false" self, might not respond well to
what they see. Be prepared for this
possible reaction, and do not let others
cause you to lose your integrity.
Some of these people, especially
family members, spouses, partners, and
friends might need some time to adjust to
this "new" person who has shown up in
their lives. Those who truly have your
best interest at heart will be excited and
happy, while those who do not will use
coercive tactics to rein you back in to
the "old" person that you were. They
could control you better then and keep
you "small." You were less of a threat to
them, when you were being that way.
Remember, many of these
relationships were formed while you
were out of integrity with your "TRUE"
self and when you had little to no idea of
what your "purpose" was in life. You
might encounter strong forces that are
trying to pull you back into compliance
with your old "book." It reminds me of
the line in the movie The Godfather:
Part III when Al Pacino's character,
Michael Corleone, said "Just when I
thought I was out . . . they pull me back
in."
Remember to stay strong and do not
give up your "integrity." Do not spend
your life trying to get a "drink" from the
"dry wells" in your life. Like the men in
the story. the best strategy would be to
move on to other "wells." This might
mean that you have to redefine the terms
of some of your relationships. Are you
willing to do whatever it takes to be in
"integrity" with your "TRUE" self and
with your "purpose"? Doing so can make
you feel lonely at times, because, in
reality, you are unique and no one else is
on the exact path that you are on.
There will be people who walk
with you on your path, some for a short
time and others for a lifetime. Learn to
recognize this and understand that there
are times when you must walk alone to
reach your "destination." Resist the
temptations to be drawn off your path by
the "sirens" that will try to pull you onto
the "rocks." Resist the lure of your old
"programming," and become the author
of your own "book."
It might be useful to surround
yourself with like-minded people. Find
people who are in "integrity" with their
"TRUE" selves and who are living a
"purposeful" life. They will understand
and support you on your personal
"journey." Eliminate those people who
do not support you, for they will deter
you from reaching your "destination."
Trust your intuition, your internal "GPS,"
to keep you on course. Remember to take
time to keep your "bucket" full, so that
you always have enough resources
available to do what is needed to live
your "purpose" and to reach your
"destination."
By now you will have a sense of
who you are and where you are going
with your life. You will understand
"integrity" and know that when you are
out of "integrity," it makes you feel bad.
You will realize that you are "self-
contained" and that it is your
responsibility to control the "emotional"
temperature inside your "bubble." You
will be in a "loving" state of mind, and
you will be less afraid of the "storms" of
life. You will have become the "captain"
of your ship, and you will feel confident
behind the "wheel," knowing that you
can use your internal "GPS" to keep you
on course. You will be more "conscious"
and mindful and know, by staying
"awake" and present, you have the
ability to "change the channel" to get
back on track.
I feel honored to have helped you
thus far on your "journey." I am confident
that if you regularly apply the principles
outlined in this book in your day-to-day
life, you will become emotionally
"whole." You will find the happiness
and fulfillment that you have been
seeking. It has worked for me, and I truly
believe that it will work for you. Maybe
I will see you should our paths cross, as
we "sail" our ships toward destinations
unknown.
Good luck and "smooth sailing"
ahead.
 The End
(Or is it just the beginning?)
"It's only the beginning of what I want
to feel forever."
—Chicago
"As human beings, our job in life is to
help people realize
how rare and valuable each one of us
really is,
that each of us has something that no
one else has—or ever will have—
something that is unique to all time.
It's our job to encourage each other to
discover that
uniqueness and to provide ways of
developing its expression."
—Fred Rogers
 Afterword
As part of my personal healing
process, I developed a technique that I
have called A.C.E.S., which stands for
Accelerated Cognitive and Emotional
Solutions. This technique has been
designed to help people adjust, clear,
and redesign both their distorted
thinking/belief system and their negative
emotional responses to past experiences
or future worries. Throughout the years,
I have received a great deal of training
and education in different methods and
techniques of therapy and healing. Many
of these methods are effective and
powerful in their own right, but each
seemed to lack something or took too
much time. Frankly, some didn't seem to
work well at all. That is why I
developed A.C.E.S.
A.C.E.S. is a combination or blend
of several of the most powerful and
effective techniques that I have learned
thus far. These include Clinical
Hypnosis, Cognitive-Behavioral
Therapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming
(NLP), and RRT™, to name a few, along
with the latest research on neuroscience.
Combined, these techniques
simultaneously work with all parts of the
mind, specifically the "conscious"
thinking or cognitive part of the mind
and the "subconscious" emotional part of
the mind. This helps to quickly "update"
both parts of the mind causing an
immediate shift in thinking and feeling.
I have found that once this shift
occurs, it is impossible to return to the
old way of thinking and feeling. It is as if
the "wiring" of the brain has been
changed and can no longer fire in the old
way. It is quite an amazing thing to watch
and experience. The results are
immediate and long-lasting. This
shortens the time that is needed to get the
desired results. Often within a few
sessions the person has eliminated the
negative emotions and has developed a
new way of thinking/perceiving things.
Some of the exercises I have
included in this book are used in the
A.C.E.S. approach, but the process is
much more. I have begun using A.C.E.S.
with all of my therapy and coaching
clients and have now begun to
incorporate these techniques into my
workshops and seminars. It works best
in clearing up the effects of past
traumatic or disturbing experiences,
guilt, shame, resentment, anxiety, and
much more. It is effective in removing
the "roadblocks" to happiness and
success that have kept us "stuck" in old
ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.
Once removed, people can access their
"TRUE" selves and become emotionally
"whole."
Most therapists have been trained to
help their clients "figure out" and
understand the roots of their problems,
thinking that by gaining insight the client
will change. They also have been trained
to think that people often "repress" or
"hold onto" negative emotions—that they
are somehow trapped inside and must be
"felt" to be "expressed." Unfortunately,
this doesn't work well and will often
take a lot of time and cause the client to
experience needless emotional pain and
turmoil. No wonder people avoid going
to therapy.
A.C.E.S. does not require the
person to experience or re-experience
negative emotions to clear them. Rather
than being "stored" or stuck inside the
person, they are simply the result of the
mind confusing the memory or thought of
something with the original thing that
caused it. Once the mind is adjusted and
updated, it will cease to produce these
negative emotions, because the
distortions will have been cleared up.
We could think of the thought or memory
as a "movie" that keeps playing in the
mind, and the negative emotions
resulting from watching the "movie" as
the soundtrack. When the soundtrack is
erased, the "movie" will cease to be
important and will no longer produce the
negative emotion. A.C.E.S. is designed
to produce this result.
If you are interested in removing the
roadblocks that have kept you from
experiencing a lasting sense of
happiness and fulfillment, I invite you to
attend one of my transformational
workshops or sign up for one of my
coaching packages. I will also be
offering professional training workshops
for professionals in the A.C.E.S.
method. To find out more about this,
please go to my website at
www.johnsmithphd.com for more
information on therapy and coaching
services or on upcoming workshops and
speaking engagements.