ROMANTIC ITALIAN

________________

by

EJ Bautista
 Cast of Characters

Roger Mendez: A Roman man in his early 30s.

Ykcam Peralta: An Italian man in his early 20s.

Woman: Random woman

Scene

Around a red-light district in Makati City, Metro manila.

Time

The present.
ACT I

Scene 1

SETTING: We are in a random AT RISE:

alleyway of the red-light
district, with a bunch of guys
and girls about. Drinks and
litter cover the ground, with the
place filled with smoke coming
from cigarettes and exhausts of
bars.

AT RISE: ROGER MENDEZ is standing with a

cigar in hand. Looking towards a
menu board in front of a strip
club. Wearing a business suit
with a coat on to keep him from
the elements.

ROGER
Man, the girls here are no good, but I still come here for
some reason.
(ROGER continues to stare firmly at
the menu board, like choosing
which stock he should buy next)
Hmm, she looks new, maybe she’ll suffice.
(YKCAM dressed in a shady look
harshly taps ROGER’s shoulder)
 YKCAM
(annoyed)
Come on man! Hurry up and just pick one!
(proudly)
You're taking forever you know my honey boo is waiting for
me!?
(YKCAM tries to squeeze past
ROGER to get to the girl)
Scoot over you gladiator hunk monkey!
(ROGER grabs YKCAM by the arm)

ROGER
Where do you think you're going?
(points to the girl they both
we’re going to select)
I was gonna go for her, I am first.

YKCAM
Huuuh??? Who do you think you are? Alexander the Great?
(ROGER lets go of YKCAM’s arm)

ROGER
Ok calm down, what are you gonna do with her anyways?

YKCAM
(confused)
Ha, of course have her perform all sorts of things for me.
Women here have no talent anyways that’s why they end up in
dumps like this.

ROGER
So you look down on women who perform?

YKCAM
Well how about you? What were you going to make her do?

ROGER
(proudly)
Well unlike you I have exquisite taste. I will make her
strip naked and make her pretend that she is stuck in a box
trying to escape.

YKCAM
(dumbfounded)
Wow, not even a hint of embarrassment.
(ROGER tries to grab the girl
to get inside the bar)
 YKCAM (Cont.)
Wait! Hold on now. We're not done talking yet.
(ROGER gives YKCAM an
intimidating look)
Did you even hear yourself? You look down on women too! E-
e-even worse than me!

ROGER
Haaah!? So you think your entertainment is superior to
mine?

YKCAM
(whimply)
Well, Italian entertainment was built for the noble after
all.

ROGER
So you’re Italian?

YKCAM
And I’m guessing you’re Roman . . . .
(YKCAM tries to start the
conversation from scratch)
S-s-sorry about earlier, I didn’t mean to bad mouth you.

ROGER
Well it’s fine, it’s to be expected from a place like this.

YKCAM
Speaking of places, are you into theater?

ROGER
Yup. Our theater architecture is the best that's out there.
We have BIG open spaces for the actors to act and for the
audience to watch in.

YKCAM
(chuckles)
Even if you stole it from the Greek’s, you sure sound
proud.

ROGER
Well you’re no good either. You basically stole from us
too.

YKCAM
Yeah, yeah, more like we re-studied them.
 YKCAM (Cont.)
(whispers)
Cause we’re the smarter ones.
(ROGER grabs YKCAM by the collar)

ROGER
WHAT?

YKCAM
(smiles)
Nothing! Besides, we built our own theaters with proscenium
arches that, to this day, are being built in modern
theaters. We also gave the stage a more 3-dimensional look.
We can change scenes with a pulley and have trap doors for
the hero to exit and save the day!
(ROGER does not look impressed)

ROGER
(pissed)
Speaking of stealing. You bunch stole the way you wrote
your playwrights.
(with their faces close together
staring each other down)

YKCAM
(annoyed)
Nah uh, we created neoclassicism with the unity of time,
place, and action.
(scoofs)
Unlike the real thieves who basically took all the aspects
of Greek theater and claimed it to be theirs.

ROGER
Oh yeah!? Thanks to us creating comedy that your people
went gaga over it. You even made a troupe just for comedy.
And for you to laugh at pee jokes. Are you 10?

YKCAM
Says the one who laughs at fart jokes.

ROGER
(embarrassed)
Hey! Far —- fart jokes are the pinnacle of comedy.
(ROGER shoves YKCAM away, but
YKCAM charges back and grabs
ROGER by the coat)
 YKCAM
YOU WANNA GO???

ROGER
WANT ME TO SLAP YOU WITH A SLAPSTICK?
(Both are about to throw a punch)
(WOMAN walk in between them)

WOMAN
Umm —- so which one of you is choosing me?
(they shout together)

ROGER & YKCAM

NEITHER!!!
(they finally sensed their
surroundings and cooled down)

YKCAM
So, I guess we're both in the wrong huh?

ROGER
Yeah.

YKCAM
We gonna see each other sometime?

ROGER
One time, one place, one action?

YKCAM
Oh enough!

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SCENE)