Coming Out as a Demisexual – Vineetha Venugopal about:reader?url=https%3A%2F%2Fvineethavenugopal.in%2Fcoming-...

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Coming Out as a Demisexual –

Vineetha Venugopal
8–10 minutes

This is a compilation of thoughts on how I came out to my family

about my sexuality and mental health issues.

“What will others think?”

“We want to see you married.”

“Everyone is asking.”

“Who will take care of you when you are old?”

“Don’t you want us to be happy? We are hurt because of you.”

These are some of the questions my parents raised over the

years. Questions that sometimes made me guilty. Questions that
forced me to engage in self destructive behaviour to appease them
at the cost of my happiness and mental health. Questions that I
was convincingly able to answer only last year, armed with the
knowledge of my sexuality and  supported by loving friends and a
good therapist.

These are all questions that are commonplace in most Indian

families.

Coming from a conservative family that firmly believes the

‘personal is private’ as opposed to the ‘personal is political’, writing

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this is difficult for me. But I want to, I feel I owe it to others like me
– to reach out, reassure and be a part of the conversation.

I had only ever been in love twice. Both were people with whom I
shared a strong friendship and emotional bond with; with whom my
anxiety ridden self felt safe. Over time, I realised that I do not feel
sexual attraction unless I have a deep emotional bond with the
person; unless I felt emotionally safe in the company.

Thus, it is rare for me to feel sexually attracted to someone.

Asexual, demisexual – all of these were new words for me. But
these words explained a lot that went on in my head. I learned that
sexual attraction and romantic attraction are different and it is
possible to feel one without the other. It made perfect sense to me
as I had been, at that time, romantically attracted to a female
friend with whom I felt a deep emotional connection. However, I
was never sexually attracted to her. At the same time, my feelings
for her seemed to be different from the feeling of friendship I felt
towards other female friends. I used to feel content and giddy
around her. It was as if I were in love but without the sexual
attraction part.

I later realised, when it came to a romantic relationship, that

gender doesn’t matter to me. It looked like I was panromantic, but
heterosexual – sexually attracted only to persons of opposite sex.
Having said that, sexuality is fluid and I am still exploring mine.

I also learned about primary and secondary sexual attraction.

According to AVEN – the Asexual Visibility and Education Network
– primary sexual attraction is what you feel towards others based
on their  looks, personality, intelligence etc. Secondary sexual
attraction is what you feel for the other person after developing an

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emotional bond with them.

Most people experience both primary and secondary sexual

attraction. Demisexuals often do not experience primary attraction
and only feel secondary sexual attraction. I also understood more
about the different shades of asexuality – ranging from people who
are repulsed by sex, those who might be indifferent to it, those who
experience sexual attraction rarely and those who are okay with
certain activities.

Allonormativity became my favourite word for a while. Similar to

heteronormativity, where heterosexuality is considered the norm
and other sexualities are marginalised, allonormativity assumes
that people are sexual by default and marginalises those who are
inclined towards the asexual side of the spectrum.

The most difficult conversation I had with my father started with

him urging me to get married. I told him that I find marriage to be a
highly problematic institution. In the patriarchal, heteronormative,
allonormative Indian society, exploring your sexuality before
marriage is frowned upon.

To be honest, getting into a marriage without engaging in a sexual

relationship with your partner also seems quite risky. One can
always argue that it works for most people. But what about those
for whom it does not? Are they doomed to suffer in silence
because society refuses to have such conversations? You are by
default assumed to be allosexual and heterosexual at that. What
do such assumptions and subsequent coerced marriages do to
persons of non-conforming sexualities? I told him that I would
marry when I want, who I want and how I want.

And that I may not marry at all.

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Despite the forceful tone, I believe what tipped the conversation in

my favour was my confession about anxiety, low self esteem and
panic attacks, which had accompanied me since I was 13. I told
him that marrying someone I’m not comfortable with would
exacerbate my anxiety and would undo all the good therapy had
done so far.

Thus, I came out in two different ways to him – as a demisexual

and as a person undergoing therapy for anxiety. Well, mental
health is something that we never discuss in our families just as
much as sexuality. I reminded my family that it was easy for people
to gossip about my marital status, but I’m the one who has to deal
with mental and sexual issues. As it was, I was hardly getting by
even with therapy.

I guess repeating the conversation over the years helped them

accept my decision. I have a healthier relationship with my family
now. I visit them more often now that there is less worry about
being emotionally ambushed.

The journey, at times, is comical. I remember explaining

demisexuality in detail to my brother. He thoroughly misunderstood
and thought I was both aromantic (person do not experience
romantic attraction to others) and asexual. Why do you still date,
he wondered, once the conversation was over. Well, I date in the
hope that I might meet someone with whom I might feel an
emotional connection. Additionally, dressing up and going out on a
date makes me happy. My dating profiles, however, loudly
proclaim my demisexuality so that people know what they are
getting into.

And there are times I wonder whether my demisexuality was

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related to the anxiety induced panic attacks that I used to

experience. Growing up as a highly sensitive, extremely absent
minded child in a somewhat critical atmosphere, throughout my
childhood, I was in search of emotional safe spaces. It did not help
that I had very poor observational skills and made more mistakes
than most people. Once, I was jokingly told by a slightly-older-but-
too-young-to-know-any-better kid that I won’t be able to do
practical science experiments because I lacked common sense.
My self esteem was so low that I believed it whole heartedly.

Subsequently, I struggled to do even the simplest of the

experiments such as a screw gauge in the physics lab. I firmly
believed I would not be able to do them as I lacked practical
intelligence. Our physics lab sessions were scheduled on
Mondays and I used to start panicking and crying from Saturday
onwards.

From someone who loved to study, I transformed into a person

who slept through classes, refused to do any homework or put in
any sort of effort into academics. I got by only because I was
surrounded by friends who made sure that I knew at least the bare
minimum to pass the examinations.

I wonder if the fact that throughout my life, I searched for safe

spaces where I won’t be judged but cherished and loved for who I
am has anything to do with my demisexuality. Growing up,
friendship was the only safe space I knew. And I need to feel
emotionally safe to allow myself to experience attraction.

I don’t mind either way since the threat of an arranged marriage no

longer hangs over my head. And occasionally, I am able to support
someone who is going through a similar phase; to assure them

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that their feelings are real and valid.

Featured image credit: Sandy Millar/Unsplash

This article first appeared on LiveWire – https://livewire.thewire.in

/gender-and-sexuality/coming-out-as-a-demisexual/

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