The Lightning Thief

Musical
Percy
Annabeth
Grover/Mr.D
Luke/Ares/Gabe
Sally/Selena/Oracle/Charon
Clarisse/Katie/Mrs.Dodds
Chiron/Poseidon/Hades/
Kronos/Medusa

[Prologue/The Day I Got Expelled]

[Percy]
Hello mom! How was your day? Mine was ok. We went on this field trip, I
got expelled, I saw some nice, super x-rated art, museums are crazy!

[Sally]
The headmaster called me…

[Percy]
Oh, about that art!

[Sally]
About the field trip!

[Percy]
Are you mad at me?

[Sally]
Well, I’m not happy! What happened, Percy?
[Percy]
Ok, first, the math teacher she turned into a demon, and then I had this
sword and sh-

[Sally]
You know what, it doesn’t matter! We’ll find another school. Again…

[Percy]
I’m not a bad kid on purpose!

[Sally]
Baby…. I know! How would you like to take a trip, just the two of us?

[Percy]
Is that ok with smelly Gabe?

[Sally]
I’ll deal with your stepfather!

[Gabe]
SALLY!!! Where is my bean dip?! You trying to starve me here?

[Sally]
Gabe! There you are…. dear. How would you like a weekend without Percy
and I in your way?

[Gabe]
Who’s gonna cook for me huh? Who’s gonna clean?

[Percy]
My mom is not your servant!

[Gabe]
No, she likes doing things for me!

[Sally]
I’ll give you a back rub! A foot rub….

[Gabe]
Both feet! And I ain’t paying none of that fancy tuition! He wasted it! Had to
come out of that money you’ve been hiding from me! Yeah, I know about
that! Whatchu saving up for?

[Sally]
Creative writing night classes!

[Gabe]
*laughs* I’m doing you a favor that’s a waste of money anyway! If he was
my kid I-

[Sally]
He’s not!

[Gabe]
Lucky for him! BEAN! DIP!

[Percy]
Man! Has that guy ever heard of showers? Mom, you do not have to put up
with him like that!

[Sally]
It’s complicated Percy!

[Percy]
Yeah, I know! You always say that, by why?

[Sally]
Because the truth might mean saying goodbye to you for good! Maybe it’s
time…

[Strong]

[Percy]
Ok, so what is this place? Is it a summer school?

[Sally]
More like summer camp. It’s just over that hill, past that pine tree! I thought
I’d be enough to protect you, but you deserve the truth!
[Percy]
Mom, you are acting like I’m never going to see you again! If it is just
summer camp, then-

[Sally]
It’s not any ordinary summer camp! Percy, your father is-

[Percy]
Oh look, a goat, and he seems to be stuck in a trash can! Hey little guy, you
need some help?

[Grover]
PERCY!

[Percy]
What are you doing here? And what happened to your legs?!

[Grover]
I’ve been searching everywhere for you guys!

[Sally]
What is it? What’s wrong?

[Grover]
You didn’t tell her about the field trip?!

[Sally]
What happened on the field trip?!

[Percy]
You told me it didn’t matter!

[Grover]
He met a fury!

[Percy]
Yeah, you’re a furry! What happened to your legs?!

[Grover]
I’m a satyr! I’m half goat!
[Percy]
You couldn’t have mentioned this like a little sooner?

[Sally]
Grover, is a fury after Percy right now?

[Grover]
Uh, Fury, no no no no!

[Sally]
Thank god-

[Grover]
It’s a Minotaur!

[Percy]
What’s a Minotaur?

[Grover]
It’s half bull!

[Percy]
Like you?

[Grover]
I’m half goat!!!

[Percy]
Hey, I’m sorry, this is a lot for me to take in right now!!!

[Sally]
Boys!

[The Minotaur/The Weirdest Dream]

[Annabeth]
You drool when you sleep!

[Percy]
What happened?!]

[Annabeth]
Uh, you had an accident! But, you’re safe now! Your friend Grover carried
you here, and I gave you ambrosia. It can heal almost any injury! Unless I
give you too much, then it kills you.

[Percy]
Where’s Grover? I had this dream that he was a goat and there was this bull
and my mom… where’s my mom?!

[Annabeth]
Um, I should tell Mr.D you’re awake! MR.D!

[Another Terrible Day]

[Chiron]
You’ll get used to Mr.D! He can be a bit… well… he hates children!

[Percy]
I thought you were a Latin teacher!

[Chrion]
Hm, more like Ancient Greek. My true name is Chiron. And my real job is
training Demigods, Half-Bloods, like you!

[Percy]
Wait, so you’re saying that all that crazy stuff that guy just said it’s all true?

[Chiron]
You think the Greek Gods stopped existing just because people stopped
believing in them? They’re all around us! And so are their children.

[Percy]
Ok, but I’m not so…. Ok, this has to be a big mistake! I’m gonna get my
mom, she’s gonna finish up, and, uh, where is my mom?

[Their Sign 1]
[Luke]
Tough first day?

[Percy]
Before this morning, I didn’t believe in any of this!

[Luke]
Well, believing doesn’t make it easier! Trust me…

[Their Sign 2]

[Luke]
I’m Luke! I’m going to be your counselor! The Hermès cabin takes anyone
who hasn’t been claimed. You know what that means? We’re literally the
reject cabin! Welcome to the dysfunctional family!

[Percy]
Thanks…!

[Luke]
Well, rejects stick together! Oh, besides, there’s someone who’s been
waiting to see you!

[Grover]
I’m sorry! Satyr’s are supposed to be protectors! I’m the worst satyr in the
world!

[Percy]
Grover! I am so glad that you are here!

[Their Sign 3]

[Grover]
Come on! I’ll show you the amphitheater, uh, the armory, the cafetorium!

[Luke]
*laughs* Poor kid! Wait, he really fought a Minotaur?

[Annabeth]
Uh, more like barely survived a Minotaur!

[Luke]
You don’t believe him?

[Annabeth]
He shows up out of nowhere, says he doesn’t know anything about us, but
he’s strong enough to fight a Minotaur! Something doesn’t add up! I just
can’t figure out what!

[Luke]
Yeah, well, if Annabeth chase can’t figure it out-

[Annabeth]
Hey, I am the most serious person you know!

[Luke]
Yeah, you’re also the toughest I admit it either way!

[Annabeth]
You think I’m tough? Um, I mean um, how do you think he is at capture the
flag?

[Clarisse]
Capture the flag!!!! Yeah!!!

[Percy]
What is going on? And are you ever gonna wear pants again?

[Grover]
No!

[Luke]
Alright! You are going to need this!

[Percy]
Uh, is that a sword?

[Luke]
Yeah! Have you ever played capture the flag before?
[Percy]
Uh, not with a sword! Hey,
*Percy starts making Lightsaber sounds while moving his sword like he’s
about to be the next Jedi*

[Annabeth]
It’s not a lightsaber!

[Percy]
You’re my dream girl! I mean, uh, the girl that I met while I was dreaming!

[Annabeth]
Are you sure he doesn’t have a concussion?

[Luke]
This is Annabeth! Our cabins are on the same team! See cabins, they’re
grouped by parents. Each cabin has certain gifts! So, I figure if we find out
what you’re good at, they’ll give us a clue about your dad!

[Percy]
Oh, but I don’t have any gifts..

[Annabeth]
Uh, you have ADHD right? Dyslexia too?

[Percy]
Yeah, but-

[Annabeth]
Letters float off the page when you read, because your mind is hardwired
for Ancient Greek! And the ADHD, you’re impulsive, you can’t sit still in
class, those are your battlefield reflexes!

[Percy]
So who’s your dad?

[Annabeth]
He’s a history professor!
[Percy]
Oh he’s human I thought that-

[Annabeth]
My mom is Athena! Goddess of wisdom! Sexist much?

[Percy]
No, I love girls! I mean, I think they’re very nice!

[Annabeth]
Capture the flag isn’t about being nice! It’s about proving to the gods that
we’re tough, powerful, and victorious in battle!

[Percy]
Ok! She’s a little intense!

[Grover]
You should see the captain of the other team!

[Percy]
Who’s the captain of the other team?

[Clarisse]
*battle cry* I am!

[Luke]
Meet Clarisse! Daughter of Ares, the god of war!

[Clarisse]
You got a problem with that? Prepare to be pulverized, newbie!

[Put You in Your Place 1]

[Percy]
We have to beat her?!?

[Annabeth]
Don’t worry! Athena always has a plan!

[Put You In Your Place 2]

[Annabeth]
Ok team! Let’s talk strategy! Hermes kids are fast-

[Luke]
Actually that’s a stereotype-

[Annabeth]
Luke!

[Luke]
Footbrigade, I got it!

[Annabeth]
Ok, Grover! Satyr’s are creatures of Pan, god of the wild! You know what to
do?

[Grover]
Yup! Hide in a tree!

[Percy]
What about me? I don’t know my talent yet!

[Annabeth]
Oh! I have a special job for you! Go to the boys bathroom!

[Percy]
And?

[Annabeth]
Stay there! It’s your first day we don’t want you messing this up!

[All]
Battle!

[Percy]
Ok! Just stay here, just stay in the bathroom, and stay out of-

[Put You In Your Place 3]

[Clarisse]
Hey, what’s that noise?

[Percy]
It’s not me! It’s the toilet!

[Clarisse]
You’re worm meat Jackson! Worm! Meat!

[Grover]
What happened here?

[Percy]
Uh, I had an accident…

[Luke]
All hail Percy Jackson! Supreme lord of the bathroom!

[Annabeth]
Not bad for your first day!

[Percy]
You set me up!

[Annabeth]
I… don’t know what you’re talking about…

[Percy]
Yeah, you tell me to hide in the bathroom! You knew she would go after me!
It was part of your plan!

[Annabeth]
You mean distracting Ares best warrior so I could capture their flag? Smart
plan!

[Percy]
She could’ve killed me!

[Annabeth]
The plan would’ve worked either way!
[Percy]
I thought Athena was all about books, and reading…

[Annabeth]
She is! Also, battle strategy! Look, I needed this win! I need to prove to my
mom that I’m a champion, so I can get a quest!

[Percy]
Quest?

[Annabeth]
The biggest honor a half-blood can get! But it doesn’t matter. Nobody’s
gonna be talking about my victory tonight. They’re gonna be too busy
talking about yours… How did you drench Clarisse the beast anyway?

[Percy]
I don’t know. It was like the water in the toilet just… responded to me.

[Annabeth]
I really hope that doesn’t mean what I think it means!

[Percy]
Wait what? What does what mean?

[Luke]
Come on! Grab some dinner and let the nectar flow!

[Percy]
Why is she scraping part of her plate into the fire? Is the food here really
that bad?

[Luke]
Offering to the gods! It’s not enough that they’re omnipotent and all
powerful! They like to feel appreciated! To the gods!

[All]
To the gods!

[The Campfire Song]

[Luke]
Alright! Now, go ahead. Make your offering.

[Percy]
To my dad! Whoever he is!

[Luke]
Woah, woah, woah! Check it out! The stars!

[Percy]
Woah, what’s going on?

[Luke]
It’s only sometimes the gods send a sign…

[Percy]
Is that a fork?

[Chiron]
It’s a trident! It seems your godly parent had claimed you after all! All hail
Perseus Jackson, son of the sea god, Poseidon!

[Percy]
My dad is Poseidon? OH SWEET!!!! What? Luke! Luke, what is going on?

[Luke]
Oh, uh, Mr.D, he wants to kill you! I mean, talk to you!

[Mr.D]
I told you he was trouble! As soon as he showed up, I said “Let’s turn him
into a dolphin!” But no! You wanted to let him in! To “teach” him! Like
that’s ever worked!!!!

[Chiron]
Our purpose is to keep half-blood’s safe. Turning children into dolphins is
hardly an appropriate interpretation of that mission!

[Mr.D]
I don’t know he’d be a lot safer as a dolphin! We all would! You hear that
thunder? Zeus knows we got him! And he ain’t happy!

[Percy]
Wait, Zeus? Like, the king of the Gods Zeus? I don’t understand. Why is
Zeus mad at me?

[Mr.D]
YOU WERE BORN!!!!!!

[Chiron]
MR.D!

[Mr.D]
NO! He needs to know! Haven’t you noticed there aren’t any other little sea
godlings running around? No sons of Hades or daughter of Zeus! The big
three gods aren’t supposed to have kids!

[Percy]
The big three?

[Chiron]
Yes, Kronos’ most powerful sons! Zeus, Hades, a-

[Percy]
And Poseidon?

[Mr.D]
And you know why? Because they’re always trouble! So, where’d you
stash it?

[Percy]
Stash what?

[Chiron]
Look at the boy, he’s clearly not a thief!

[Mr.D]
Oh, you’re right! YOU CAN’T FAKE BEING THAT STUPID! Unless you’re a
brilliant actor! And oooooooooo I’m also the God of drama, so I can tell ya,
he’s not! But as long as Zeus thinks he’s stolen it, we’re all gonna suffer!
So, we’re all agreed? One dolphin coming right up!

[Percy]
*something in latin* Did I just speak Latin?

[Chiron]
It’s been known to happen in times of stress.

[Mr.D]
You told me to eat my pants! He’s got a lot more fire than I thought.

[Percy]
So what does he think I stole?

[Chiron]
His lightning…

[Percy]
Oh, his lightning! I’m sorry! His lightning?

[Mr.D]
And not some crummy tinfoil zig zag from a Broadway musical! We’re
talking two feet of celestial bronze, packed with God level explosives!
Another God can’t touch it! A mortal would be incinerated! Oh, gee, I
wonder who that leaves! A half-blood!

[Percy]
Ok, but I did not take anything!

[Chiron]
We know that! It’s just that Zeus is the “Guilty until proven Innocent” type
of God. And, your existence alone is suspicious…

[Percy]
So what happens to me now?

[Chiron]
Well, there’s only one thing we can do.
[Mr.D]
Dolphin!

[Chiron]
One reasonable thing. But it could be dangerous! You must go to the attic
and speak to our mummy.

[Percy]
Now, when you say ‘mummy’, that’s like, old person for mom, right?

[Chiron]
Be brave Percy! Because if you fail, all the gods will be at war!

[Percy]
Hello? Is anybody up here? Hello! Uh, I guess no one’s up here after all-

[The Oracle]

[Chiron]
“Go west and face the treacherous lord.”

[Luke]
That’s got to mean Hades, right?

[Percy]
Why Hades?

[Grover]
The underworld is in Los Angeles!

[Percy]
Actually, I am not surprised.

[Chiron]
Hades has always been jealous of his brothers. With each new war, his own
kingdom expands. If he stole the bolt to incite a war between Zeus and
Poseidon, we have to stop him. And, I’m afraid, by ‘we’, I mean you.

[Percy]
What?
[Annabeth]
A hero’s quest? It’s only the biggest honor a half-blood can get, so...

[Luke]
Annabeth is right. Your dad; he needs a hero to clear his name. This quest
could be the whole reason he claimed you.

[Percy]
Because he needs me? Well, where was he when I got kicked out of
school? Or when we couldn’t pay rent? Or when my mom just… No, forget
it. I’m staying here.

[Chiron]
Well, I’m afraid that’s not an option.

[Percy]
What?

[Chiron]
Mr. D was right; as long as you’re here, Zeus will punish the entire camp,
which, means…

[Percy]
You’re expelling me? Again?!

[Grover]
That’s not fair!

[Chiron]
I wish there was another way. Once again, Percy, I’m truly sorry.

[Good Kid]

[Luke]
Pro tip: when you’re the son of Poseidon and you want to be alone, don’t
go to the lake; first place they’ll look. Don’t worry, I won’t tell Chiron you’re
here.

[Percy]
Look at the waves. It’s like the sea and the sky are fighting.

[Luke]
Yeah, they are. You know the Gods when they’re mad; they like everyone to
know… Y’know, I went on a quest.

[Percy]
Yeah?

[Luke]
Last summer. My dad, he told me to steal a golden apple from some
garden. It wasn’t important; the world wasn’t at stake, but who knows?
Maybe he thought it would be fun to watch. Or he had a craving for apples.
Anyways, I got the apple. But, there was the dragon guarding it. So, I also
got this scar. That’s when I realized the Gods… they don’t care about us, or
if we get hurt. So I get it; if it were my dad, I wouldn’t go either.

[Percy]
It’s not really just that. The Oracle told me that I would be betrayed by a
friend. And that, even if I find the bolt, I would fail.

[Luke]
Hey, that’s pretty good for the Oracle! Look, prophecy’s; they’re weird.
They don’t always mean what you think they do. And I’m not gonna say you
owe your dad. Anything. You don’t. But what about your mom?

[Percy]
My mom’s gone.

[Luke]
Yeah, from this world. But, if she’s anywhere, she’d be in…

[Percy]
The Underworld.

[Killer Quest]

[END OF ACT I]
[Lost]

[Percy]
Uhm… Hello, ma’am.

[Medusa]
It’s too late to be out all alone! Where are your parents?

[Grover]
Trust us! If we told you, you wouldn’t believe it.

[Percy]
Yeah, we are fine, ma’am. We’re just camping.

[Medusa]
Oh! In a storm like this? Oh, you poor dears! Auntie Em will find you a
place to stay!

[Percy]
She seems nice… Woah! Did you make all of these statues yourself?

[Medusa]
Everyone needs a hobby!

[Grover]
That one looks like my uncle Ferdinand!

[Annabeth]
I have a weird feeling about this…

[Medusa]
What did you say?

[Percy]
She said, ‘we really appreciate this!’

[Medusa]
Oh, it’s no trouble at all! I’ve been ever so lonely. I had a boyfriend… once.
And sisters, too! And then a wicked woman ruined my life! And, since then,
it seems no one wants to see me!
[Annabeth]
Yeah, that’s interesting. We’re leaving. Now.

[Medusa]
Wait! Your eyes are quite unique, my dear!

[Annabeth]
Really?

[Grover]
Seriously, the detail work is amazing!

[Medusa]
They remind me of someone. Would you mind if I took your picture? I’d like
to create a new statue!

[Annabeth]
Of me?

[Medusa]
Oh, you deserve to be a model and set in stone forever!

[Percy]
Oh, maybe we should get going.

[Annabeth]
It’s just one picture, Percy.

[Grover]
It’s like you can see every individual strand of fur!

[Medusa]
Why doesn’t your friend get in, too?

[Percy]
Yeah, I don’t think so.

[Medusa]
Oh, camera shy? A handsome, young man like you?
[Percy]
I guess one picture can’t hurt. Should I smile?

[Grover]
Interesting choice to have him screaming.

[Medusa]
I think a natural reaction is best!

[Percy]
Does anyone else hear a hissing sound?

[Grover]
Yep, she really captured uncle Ferdinand!

[Medusa]
Who’s ready for their close-up?!

[Grover]
Really captured it…

[Annabeth]
Don’t you need a camera?

[Medusa]
Oh, why use a camera...

[Grover]
Percy! That is uncle Ferdinand!

[Medusa]
...when you have a face like mine?

[Annabeth]
Close your eyes! Auntie Em! Or—

[Medusa]
Medusa! And your mother and I are old nemesises! Nemesisisis?
Nemesesies? We don’t like each other!
[Percy]
Run!

[Medusa]
Oh, running from me? Just like your old father! That prophecy, your
quest—ends here!

[Percy]
What just happened?

[Annabeth]
Open your eyes, but don’t look directly at her! She can still turn you into
stone, even… after you’ve chopped off her head!

[Percy]
What?! I chopped off her head?!

[Annabeth]
I should’ve figured out who she was sooner! My mom is going to be so
disappointed in me!

[Percy]
Well, it’s not your fault.

[Annabeth]
You’re right. It’s yours.

[Percy]
What?

[Annabeth]
You led us right to her!

[Percy]
Yeah, you told me to be more decisive! Besides, you’re the one she was
after! She said your mom was her arch nemesis! What’s that about?

[Annabeth]
Medusa used to be beautiful until Athena *muffled by water bottle*.
[Percy]
What?

[Grover]
She turned her into a monster! Ow! Oh, look, a bunch of empty boxes!

[Percy]
Uh, why’d you do that?

[Annabeth]
Medusa disrespected her.

[Percy]
Oh, god.

[Annabeth]
She was sneaking into Athena’s temple… to hang out with her boyfriend,
Poseidon. Yeah. Medusa dated your dad.

[Percy]
Still… Isn’t that, like, overreacting?

[Annabeth]
People always devalue wisdom. She had to be tough. It’s the only way to
get people to respect you. Her. I meant her. Y’know what? Forget it.

[Percy]
Is that why you don’t like me? Because our parents hate each other?

[Annabeth]
I never said I didn’t like you.

[Percy]
Well, you criticize me all the time.

[Annabeth]
Look, I’ve studied. I’ve trained. (I know that.) I’ve done everything to prove
to the Gods that I’m the best, and you just show up and you- you don’t
even know how to hold a sword!
[Percy]
Yes, I do- Ow! Ouch!

[Annabeth]
Hands go here.

[Percy]
I didn’t ask for any of this, you know. The Gods, the quests, the monsters.
Oh, wow! That is a lot easier.

[Annabeth]
Now, come after me.

[Percy]
With my sword?

*percy sucks*

[Annabeth]
Ha!

[Percy]
Okay! You’re smart. You’re brave. You are scary good with that knife. How
could your mom not be proud of you?

[Annabeth]
That’s what I want to know.

[My Grand Plan]

[Percy]
No more fighting.

[Annabeth]
At least not with each other.

[Percy]
Come on. I know one way to get our parents to notice us. Help me box up
this head.
[Annabeth]
Huh? Oh, no, whatever you’re doing over there couldn’t possibly be a good
idea!

[Percy]
Hermès Express Shipping! To, hm, I don’t know, Mount Olympus? Courtesy
of Perseus Jackson and Annabeth Chase!

[Annabeth]
No, no, no! The Gods will say we’re impertinent!

[Percy]
Ohh, we are impertinent!

[Grover]
Guys! I solved all of our problems! While you two were here, not solving all
of our problems, the squirrel came back and gave me these!

[Percy]
Are those amtrak tickets?!

[Grover]
See, aren’t you glad that you apologized! We are totally killing this quest!

[Drive]

[Annabeth]
It’s crazy to think that, this time tomorrow, we will be in the Underworld.

[Grover]
Yeah! Then all we have to do is find Hades, get the bolt back, and stop a
bunch of Gods from starting a war! We have a plan for that, right?

[Percy]
We’ll figure it out in the morning. I’m about to pass out.

[The Weirdest Dream (Reprise)]

[Grover]
You really do drool in your sleep!

[Percy]
What happened?

[Grover]
You were screaming! It was waking up the other passengers. Well, not
Annabeth!

[Annabeth, asleep]
Mom? You remembered my birthday.

[Percy]
I had this dream. I was at the edge of a pit. And the thief was there. He was
talking about the bolt.

[Grover]
Well, that must have been Hades.

[Percy]
No, he wasn’t alone. There was something in the pit. It told him to
remember Thalia? ...What?

[Grover]
I-I haven’t heard that name in a long time.

[Percy]
Do you know who she is?

[Grover]
She was my friend

[The Tree On the Hill]

[Grover]
I don’t know why you heard her name in your dream, but I know what it
means. Look, if we fail this quest, that’s gonna be my fault.

[Annabeth]
That’s not true, Grover. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for you. Neither would
Luke.

[Percy]
You’re awake?

[Annabeth]
We’re getting close to the Underworld. I could hardly sleep.

[Percy]
Guys, what if this is all a mistake? We’ve been so sure that Hades is the
thief, but what if we’re wrong? The Oracle told me that I would fail.

[Annabeth]
We’re here.

[Grover]
Are we sure we’re ready to do this?

[Percy]
Not at all. Let’s go… Well, this must be it; D.O.A Records.

[Grover]
I kind of figured there’d be monsters.

[Percy]
Yeah. Who knew that the lobby to the Underworld would be so…

[Charon]
Dead? Going down!

[Annabeth]
That’s Charon! The ferryman to the Underworld. Uhm, we need to get to
Hades.

[Charon]
Well, you don’t look dead. Read the sign. ‘No soliciting, no loitering, no
living!’

[Percy]
Oh, we are totally dead!

[Grover]
Yeah! We, uh, drowned! In a bathtub!

[Annabeth]
All three of us!

[Charon]
Big bathtub… Passage across the River Styx isn’t free. With adults, I
usually charge their credit card or add the ferry price to their last cable bill,
but children never die prepared. Oh, gold drachmas! Got a half-blood!

[Annabeth]
Is that a problem?

[Charon]
Not at all! You know, uh, being ferryman here is just my day job; my real
passion is music. Would you like to hear my demo?

[D.O.A]

[Charon]
Enjoy eternity!

[Percy]
Does she mean eternity? Like, e-ter-nity?

[Annabeth]
Come on. We need to find Hades. Stay close. ...Woah, woah, woah. What
did I just say?

[Percy]
I don’t know what came over me.

[Annabeth]
We have to be careful; if we get separated, we may not find each other
again. Seriously?!

[Percy]
I can’t help it! It’s like my feet won’t listen to my brain!

[Annabeth]
Well, tell your brain to do something!

[Percy]
I swear, it’s not me! It’s my shoes! And they’re trying to drag me with them!

*percy ascends*

[Annabeth]
I’ve got you! Take your shoes off!

[Percy]
A little preoccupied!

[Grover]
I’ve got it!

*grover enhances his inner goat and eats the shoes*

at least he is a goat

[Grover]
Chewed them off! Woah! Can’t—get them—off!

[Kronos]
Percy!

[Percy]
What is that?!

[Annabeth]
Guys, I think this pit is Taurtarus.

[Percy]
Like the fish sauce?

[Annabeth]
No, Taurtarus, like… It’s like the massive security wing of the Underworld.

[Percy]
Well, what is so bad that the regular security wing isn’t good enough?

[Annabeth]
Chiron told you about how our parents went to war against their father?
Well, first, they overthrew him. Then, they threw him into a pit.

[Percy]
So you mean that that thing down there is Kronos? But that doesn’t make
any sense. Why would Kronos want my shoes?

[Grover]
They were really cool shoes.

[Annabeth]
Unless it wasn’t the shoes that it was after.

[Percy]
What? You think he wanted my deodorant?

*so percy has the bolt. what the fuck*

[Grover]
It’s the bolt!

[Percy]
Well, how did it get in my backpack?!

*annabeth just looks so fucking done with this kid*

[Percy]
No, guys, no, I didn’t steal it, I swear!

[Annabeth]
Well, then how did it get there?

[Percy]
I don’t know! How did you know where to find it?!

[Annabeth]
What? I didn’t! It was a hypothesis! ...A guess! Stop looking at me like that!
[Percy]
‘Betrayed by a friend…’ How bad did you want your quest?

[Annabeth]
Not that bad. Look, there’s something weird going on.

[Percy]
Someone is trying to pit the big three against each other.

*really? no fucking way!*

[Percy]
But it is not Hades. We’ve got to get out of here before he finds us.

[Hades]
It’s too late for that!

*mr hank green enters the stage*

[Hades]
You’re as bright as your father. Son of Poseidon. From the looks of it. He’s
stupid.

[Percy]
Uh, you know why we’re here?

[Hades]
Hm. Yes, I know why you’re here. You thought I was the bad guy. Everyone
always thinks Hades is the bad guy! Maybe it’s the decor, I don’t know…

[Percy]
You were framed! So was I. If you let us go-

[Hades]
And whhhhy whhhould I whhhant to do that?

[Grover]
Uhm, because you’re super chill that way?
[Hades]
One does not simply walk out of the Underworld. That’s the whole point of
the Underworld! Unless-

[Percy]
Unless what?

[Hades]
You give me that bolt! Oh, I may not have stolen it, but… since it’s here…
What do the children say? Never leave a gift—God level explosive—in the
mouth?

[Percy]
Why would you want to start a war?

[Hades]
Because when the Gods go to war, it’s the mortals who suffer, and then end
up here. And I do get lonely.

[Annabeth]
No chance! We came here to stop a war, not start one!

[Percy]
Yeah, there is no way in hell that we- Oh.

*you’re already in hell, percy*

[Percy]
...That we are handing this over to you!

[Hades]
Even in exchange for her.

*mother*

[Sally]
Percy!

[Percy]
Mom? Mom?!
*mom went to ‘get the milk*

[Hades]
She is merely a shade! But I can restore her. What has your father ever
done for you? He doesn’t care about his family! Or his brother! Who he
never visits! Oh, no, he’s too busy playing with his mermaids and his
dolphins! Acting like he’s so cool with his hawaiian shirt.

[Percy]
Did you say hawaiian shirt?

[Hades]
I could give you your freedom, your friends, and your mother. And all it
would cost is a little war! The choice is yours, son of Poseidon. I’ll give you
a moment to consider.

[Son of Poseidon]

[Poseidon]
You can free the son of the sea, and the sea does not like to be restrained.

[Percy]
Dad? I mean… You’re Poseidon?

[Poseidon]
Oh, you can call me ‘dad,’ Perseus!

[Percy]
You can call me Percy.

[Poseidon]
Alright.

[Percy]
I got your gift.

[Poseidon]
And I got yours. Medusa’s head? Really?
[Percy]
Yeah, about that…

[Poseidon]
You’ve got a talent for getting into trouble, like your old man. But you have
your mother’s strength. She was a queen among women.

[Percy]
How’d you let her get stuck with a jerk like Gabe?

[Poseidon]
I’d thought you’d have figured it out, by now. She chose to be with him to
protect you.

[Percy]
Yeah. Like he has some magic power.

[Poseidon]
You could say that. His smell. That guy smells so bad, no monster would
ever sense you. Seriously. You’ve heard of Hercules and the agence
stables? That guy smells worse.

[Percy]
...Dad, I failed. The Oracle was right; I couldn’t save what matters most. I
couldn’t save mom.

[Poseidon]
You prevented a war between the Gods. And for that, well… The Gods may
ben unfair, but we’re not total jerks.

[Percy]
Do you mean that she’s…

[Poseidon]
On her way! Here, listen, before you see her, there’s something you should
know. When the summer ends, you could go home to her, or you could stay
at camp year-round.

[Percy]
Oh, I didn’t know I had a choice.
[Poseidon]
Why do you think the Gods stay out of their children’s lives? The most
important decisions are the ones you make for yourselves. Still, I am sorry
you were born.

[Percy]
Wow, seriously?!

[Poseidon]
A hero’s life is never easy.

*mom actually came back unlike my dad*

[Sally]
Percy!

[Percy]
You’re alive!

[Sally]
You saved me, baby!

[Percy]
Well, I had some help.

[Grover and Annabeth]

Hey, Mrs. Jackson!

[Poseidon]
Uh… Hey.

[Sally]
Hi…

[Poseidon]
You look… even more beautiful than the night we first met.

[Sally]
And you haven’t changed at all.
[Percy]
Okay. This has to be the weirdest family reunion ever.

[Poseidon]
My brother’s going to want his bolt back. Should’ve been the God of drama,
that guy. But, I’ll, uhm… see you around.

[Percy]
So… That’s my dad?

[Sally]
That is your dad.

[Percy]
He told me about Gabe. Mom, you do not have to stay with him for me.

[Sally]
You sound just like your father. He tried to solve all my problems, too. He
offered to build me a palace under the sea. You saved my life. It is time I
figure out how to flip it.

[Percy]
Well, I know you’ll be strong, but if Gabe does give you any more trouble…

[Sally]
‘Care of Auntie Em’s Garden Emporium?’

[Percy]
It’s a, uhm, do it yourself sculpture kit. ...No, no, no! It’s, uhm, Medusa’s
head, so…

[Annabeth]
So now what?

[Percy]
Now… I guess, as my official protector, you can officially escort us back to
camp.

[Grover]
Aww. And you’re conscious, this time!

[The Last Day of Summer]

[Annabeth]
Luke! What’re you doing?

[Luke]
What we promised! We said we would never forget Thalia. Join me! We’ll
make the Gods pay for what they did to her! To all of us!

[Percy]
Yeah, they make mistakes! It’s not like they’re not allowed to make them,
too.

[Luke]
I know you would choose wisely, Annabeth…

[Annabeth]
You’re right…

*annabeth steals luke’s sword like a bad bitch*

[Annabeth]
It’s over! Luke-

[Luke]
It’s not over, yet! It is for Percy!

*percy almost dies and luke skedaddles*

[Chiron]
Go after him!

[Annabeth]
He needs ambrosia! It’s the only thing that’ll heal him!

*percy revives*

[Annabeth]
Seaweed brain…

[Percy]
Wise girl…

*it was at this moment that we all thought they would kiss*

[Grover]
He’s gone! But he won’t get far! All of the squirrels on the East Coast are
searching for him!

[Annabeth]
He’ll be back.

[Clarisse]
And he’ll be sorry!

[Chiron]
It won’t end, with Luke… These are dangerous times, for both Gods and
mortals. I cant tell you what to do, but if you choose to stay, know that you
have full protection of the Gods.

[Percy]
No… Luke was right about one thing. It’s that we cannot just hide at camp
waiting for our parents to fix things. We have to do it ourselves. Out there.
In the real world. ‘Cause that’s where the monsters are.

[Annabeth]
The Gods… They think we’re impertinent.

[Percy]
We are impertinent.

*and then they completely defy the books*

[Bring on The Monsters]

[END OF ACT II]