Decipher:

What the Narcissist Really Means

By

H G Tudor


All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2016

Decipher: What the Narcissist Really Means

By


H G Tudor


All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the express written permission of
the publisher.



Published by Insight Books
 Introduction

I have emphasised on many occasions that the key to overcoming the effect of
the narcissist is to understand him or her. Understanding the narcissist enables
you to deal with the all-pervading and insidious grip that he or she has on you.
Much of what we do is aimed at keeping you in a permanent state of confusion,
bewilderment and bafflement. We do not want you to understand. By remaining
perplexed as to why we have done and said things, you stay in our grip. You are
unable to move forward. You are unable to escape us. This confusion weakens
you and makes you more susceptible to all of the other manipulations that we
apply against you in order to extract fuel from you. It is all done by design. We
do not want you challenging us. We do not want you seeking to distance
yourself from us and in so doing disrupt our supply of precious fuel. We need to
have you paralysed as you endlessly ruminate and speculate on why we have
said what we have said. You will sit with friends and discuss over and over again
the things that we have done and the things that we have said. Indeed, it is the
latter which happens most often because we prefer to use words as our weapons.
This is because they are easy to use and do not expend a lot of energy in their
use. We find it so easy to throw a verbal hand grenade in your direction and
walk away leaving you to deal with the carnage that has been created. As an
empathic individual, you have a need for order, for understanding and for
working things out. You cannot help but behave in this manner. You like to
know things. You want to understand why something has happened so that you
can then respond in the best way possible. You need to comprehend why
somebody has said what they did so you can then decide what needs to be done.
It is a selfless trait and one which we exploit.
Our use of words and phrases to confuse, wound and exploit is well
known. We use words, both spoken and in various forms of media, from text
messages to e-mails, from letters to tweets, to seduce you. We use these words to
draw you into our false world where everything seems wonderful. We have an
amazing capacity for saying the most wonderful things that captivate you and lift
you up on high. It is astonishing how easy these words come to us but we say
them with such conviction, able to mimic, through repeated practice, the manner
and tone in which such loving words are used. We, of course, do not feel love in
the way that you do. That has been denied to us by reason of the manner in
which we have been created. This does not hinder us however because we are
the masters at copying and we have seen how love is portrayed in books, in films
and in songs. We observe and we replicate, snatching phrases and words to
enthral you and lure you into our web.
Those once golden words soon become used as tools by which we abuse
you. The cherished words we once whispered in your ear become bile-filled
insults, vitriolic put-downs and sneering, savage taunts. Our words are used to
upset you, hurt you, anger you and degrade you. During this devaluation we use
our mouths to abuse you for such comments leave no mark and are difficult to
prove, yet we know their worth. Intermittently we will sprinkle the golden dust
from our mouths once again as beauty and sunshine pours from us and you are
taken back to the place where you always want to be, before the tongue becomes
forked once more and serpentine opprobrium is sent your way. Eventually you
are thrown to the wayside, sometimes in silence and other times with our
mocking catcalls ringing in your ears. Broken and dazed you try to make sense
of everything that has been said to you. How could we pour such sugar in your
ears and then turn it to venom in the blink of an eye? Who behaves like that?
Why do that? What did we mean when said all those things? Was any of it true?
Your confusion is debilitating but this is deliberate because it means you are
unable to travel along the pathway to recovery. You remain damaged and hurt by
the roadside as we stroll off in to the sunset without a care for you. We return
though. We come wandering back, acting as if nothing has happened and once
again the seductive words come pouring your way, the apologies, the assertions
that it was a mistake the declarations that change can be achieved. Once more
you are seduced and we bring you back to start the process all over again.
Throughout this narcissistic cycle words are an ever present. We use our own,
pilfer the words of the great and learned, purloin them from songs to use to woo
you, steal them from books to hurt and abuse you, words are the greatest weapon
that our kind uses.
Our use of words will leave you confused because we are creatures of
hypocrisy and contradiction. This is entirely deliberate and our conduct makes
perfect sense when seen from our perspective. All these comments, both
delicious and demonic, are necessary to obtain fuel from you because fuel is our
lifeblood. We must always gather fuel and we must always exert control over
you, jerking you like a puppet to allow us to exact our machinations against you.
If you understood what was meant, what was really meant, when we said certain
things, not only would you be able to guard against further seduction and abuses,
but you would be able to make sense of much that has been said to you. This
comprehension will allow you to understand what has happened and this is the
key to unlocking the door which will allow you to progress on the road to
recovery. Understanding why the narcissist has said the things he or she said is
absolutely crucial.
Fortunately for you, as a narcissist myself, I am able to decipher what
we say and what this actually means. I am able to provide you with this
understanding. The codes, inferences and nuances are all revealed by the
provision of comprehension to the language spoken by our kind. This is a unique
opportunity to delve into what is meant by the narcissist when he or she says
certain things. One thing you may have noticed so far, from your readings and
your discussion with other victims, or at least you will come to notice, is that our
kind behave in similar fashions. We are devious and manipulative but all of our
words and actions are astonishingly similar. Many victims remark that it is as if
we are operating from some kind of common manual or handbook, or that we all
attended some ubiquitous School for Narcissists. There are of course variations
on a theme and this is influenced by the time of narcissist that you are dealing
with, each has his or her particular twist on the words of seduction, devaluation
and discard. Accordingly, what is written here will be applicable to many of you.
You will have heard many of this phrases (or ones most similar) and therefore
the content of this book is most applicable. Use the content of this valuable
publication to gain understanding as finally you are able to decipher what the
narcissist meant when he used those words.
 1. I love you and I always have.

My need to seduce you is considerable and therefore I will use language which
will appeal to you and be so outlandish that it will blow you away. I do not
actually love you. I do not love in the way that you do. I understand that the
closest I come to it is infatuation. I am not in fact infatuated with you but more
precisely with what you can do for me. My needs are paramount. Yours are
largely irrelevant. I write irrelevant because I do take them into account during
the seduction but after that they are thrown to one side, but that is something
different and not the purpose of explaining what I mean when I say the above
phrase to you.
I say I love you and mean I am infatuated with you. I am infatuated with
three things that you will give me through my successful seduction of you.
a. Fuel, the most important item;
b. Useful traits which I can apply to my construct and parade as my own
achievement, characteristics and accomplishments to make me appear
even more attractive to you and other people (and thus get more fuel);
and
c. Residual benefits such as a roof over my head or getting you to pay
for things.
I want those three things. I want the fuel most of all but the other two matter as
well. To get those things I need to seduce you. To seduce you I need to say
things like this, grand statements which will amaze you and sweep you off your
feet. Why will it have this effect? Well, because you are a love devotee. As an
empathic individual one of your traits is that you are a love devotee. This means
you belief very much in the concept of love, how love is wonderful, how love
can conquer all, how love crosses any boundary and love is amazing, splendid
and the best thing in the world. I know you are a love devotee because I have
studied you before I approached you. With this knowledge I know that making a
statement like the one above will resonate with you considerably for the
following reasons: -
a. As a believer in love you want to hear that someone loves you;
b. You want this love to be grand, sweeping and extraordinary. By
explaining that I have always been in love with you, I achieve this. It
is a statement which conjures up images in your mind’s eye of me
waiting for years before I picked my moment to tell you, of me sitting
with my love burning away and how you have never noticed. It
appeals to you to think in such terms. It is romantic and glorious.
c. I will have plausibility on my side. I may know you already as we
may be friends or colleagues. I may be a neighbour. I may be your
therapist even. If I do not know you in detail, we may know each
other by sight and the occasional hello from attending the same gym
or such like. You may not know me but I will generate (fabricate) a
back story that I have watched you from the coffee shop every day as
you walk past (once I have established that you do so) and I have
been in love with you. This plausibility overcomes any natural
hesitance you may have. The immensity of the love factor in this
statement will overcome any slight scepticism you may have, that
having been eroded already by the plausibility.
Saying this statement is a direct shot at your heart and is part of the harpoon
strike that we engage in when we are seducing a victim.
It is not true however. We have chased plenty of people before you. We may
have only set eyes on your two days ago and we do not love in the manner that
you do. Everything about this statement is false, it serves our purpose to seduce
you and to do so quickly.

2. You will never do better than me.

I am a god. I stride across the face of the earth as those inhabitants of the planet
marvel at my achievements. See how good looking I am? Witness my fearsome
intellect? Admire my expensive car and prestigious home. Delight in my
popularity. Be amazed by my largesse, my kindness, my humour and wit. I am a
prince amongst men, a goliath, a titan and you are blessed that I have even
deigned to look at you. Bow before me and pay homage to the colossus that I
am. Look upon me with awe and amazement and tremble in silent admission that
you are but a speck of dust compared to the gleaming polished work of art that I
am.
I am superior to you. I want you to recognise this. You are inferior. Understand
your place and that you must do everything I ask of you because you are so
fortunate that I chose you. You are so lucky to be allowed into the court of me,
the United States of My Greatness, the Kingdom of My Awesomeness. Tell all
your friends and ensure they reinforce this message that you have hit the jackpot,
the motherlode and the oil reservoir when you were picked by me.
Don’t ever leave me though. That is what I am terrified you will do and if you do
that you will deprive me of fuel and I cannot let that happen, at least, not until I
have wrapped my tendrils around your replacement and begun to suck them dry
instead. Until then, you must not go, you must not think about leaving and you
must say or do nothing which suggests that you might exit from my life because
I need you there to provide me with fuel.
I am telling you that you should remain with me. Indeed, after the treatment I
have subjected you to, whereby I have stripped your self-esteem, smashed your
self-confidence, raided your finances and aged you, you won’t be able to find
anyone else. Accordingly, not only will you not find anyone because of what I
have done to you, my magnificence is such that even if you could attract
someone they would pale next to me. That is what I want you to believe in order
to keep you where you are so you continue to supply me with fuel. Eventually
you will no longer be of use to me and I will feel no need to issue such a veiled
threat in order to keep you where I want you.

3. You get me, you are the only one. Nobody else does.

I am very special. Just as I have explained in the preceding pages what a
magnificent and radiant person I am, I am also complex, deep and mysterious. I
am a man of multifarious layers and a labyrinthine personality which means that
I am extremely difficult to understand. At least this is what I like to think and it
is certainly what I want the world to think about me, including you. Especially
you. I am urbane and sophisticated. The world waits for me to pronounce on the
topic du jour before oohing at my insightful observations. I am a polymath who
people turn to for observation and comment. My waters run still and deep. I like
to create this air of being inscrutable. I am enigmatic and mystical. This is the
image that I have created and this is what I portray to the world.
You however are just as special because you actually understand me. You have
found your way through the maze that is my mind and you have arrived at the
centre and looked at its core and you understand. You do not need to ask me
questions because you know the answers. You can tell from a raised eyebrow, a
gesture or a facial expression precisely what is going on. I make you feel special
by telling you that you are the only person who is able to understand me, to
“get” me. This creates an instant bond between you and I. Owing to the
magnificence that I show you during my seduction of you, you want me and you
want in to my world. This comment is providing you with that in. It is ticket to
ride and you are the only one allowed onto the rollercoaster.
You will feel privileged to be told this. I appear so brilliant that you are truly
honoured to be told that you understand me when so many others do not. Of
course, the reality is that few do actually understand me but not for the reasons I
am telling you. Few understand the way I act, since I operate to a logic of my
own devising and in time you will experience this and realise that you did not
“get” me at all and indeed it will be some time (if at all) before you do so.
In truth what I am doing when I tell you that you understand me, is that I am
moulding myself to be whatever you think I am. Accordingly, if you interpret
my expression as appearing thoughtful and you opine a reason for that, you will
be wrong but I am not going to tell you that. I will express delight at how deeply
you understand me, me the enigma and confirm that you are correct. You will be
delighted at being able to understand me. You will be thrilled at your exclusive
status as the only one who understand this wonderful person. Each time I will
confirm that your comments, questions and observations are spot on. It is akin to
applauding a toddler every time he is told to point to the chair and he points to
the window. He gurgles and smiles recognising the reward of smiles, hugs and
clapping. His answer is wrong but he does not know. We treat you in exactly the
same way. We just want you to feel thrilled and delighted because that way you
will bond closer to us and make our seduction easier.

4. I just need some time to myself.
I want to give you some silent treatment and whilst doing this I want to go and
obtain fuel from a different source, most likely a new prospect which I have
been cultivating behind your back. I want to do this but I want to tell you so that
you will give me a final burst of fuel as you try to find out what is wrong, how
you can stop me doing this and so you can work out a way of fixing things. I
have no intention of remaining with you. I will come back but I will not tell you
that. No, that would spoil the quality of the anxious negative fuel that you will
give me during this hiatus. Right now however I want to feel special and I want
you to beg me not do it. Make me feel powerful and tell me how upset you are at
the thought of being separated from me. Repeat again how you will do anything
for me just to make me happy. Tell me once more how much you love me.
Not only is this all delicious fuel for me as you stand there crying and pleading,
it also provides me with the reassurance that I know you will continue to give
me negative fuel whilst I have embarked on this silent treatment. It also tells me
that I will find you so easy to hoover when I return from this self-imposed exile.
If you fail to respond with the begging and pleading I will be concerned because
this tells me that you are not perturbed by me suddenly deciding that I need
some time to myself. This will alarm me and deny me the large dose of fuel I
want as a (temporary) parting gift. I will also be concerned because there is a
reduced likelihood of you providing negative fuel by messaging me and
telephoning me whilst I am gone. It gets worse. You may be resistant to a hoover
or at least I will have to put more effort into it. Then again you may welcome me
back without much need to hoover but without a reaction and thus you will deny
me that coveted hoover fuel.
My comment is my way of gauging how you will react to me pulling away from
you. Will it be as I want, fuel-filled and emotional or will you show little
concern at my departure? I am testing your reaction so I can plan accordingly.
Should my testing prove to yield a satisfactory result and you react as I predict,
with fuel and upset, all to the good. I can set off on my disappearance with fuel
in my belly, fuel on the way and good old hoover fuel down the line. Even
better, look how decent and reasonable I am? I told you that I needed some
space. I told you I needed some time on my own. That means when I am cosying
up with the new prospect that very night I am not even being unfaithful to you
because we are no longer together. Fantastic.
I won’t be spending time on my own. I cannot stand to do that for long unless I
have been sufficiently fuelled beforehand. It is but another lie; designed to
further my purposes. I will be checking on my new prospect, gathering fuel from
her and smiling as I glance at your heartfelt messages piling up on my mobile
‘phone.

5. It is you that I love but I need to be with her to know that my love
for you is true. Do you understand what I mean?

This is said as a method of ascertaining just how much control I have over you,
how much I can push you without causing that invisible strip of elastic that runs
between us, to snap. I know that as an empathic individual you are a love
devotee. I use the word love liberally without truly understanding what it
actually means. To me the word love is like a key. It opens the doors to the fuel
that my victims have available, stockpiled and ready for me. By professing to
love, by declaring my love and exhibiting all the signs of being someone who
loves, I am able to dupe you into believing that I actually do feel love for you.
The statement above is designed to mess with your head and to allow me to what
I want, namely keep two people linked to me and supplying me with fuel. By the
rules of normality and healthy love if I loved you then I would not be with
anybody else at all. I would be with you. In my world I need to seduce and keep
attached to me by any means possible as many people as possible so I can gather
fuel. I know that by your world view you ought to rail against me begin with
somebody else whilst professing to be with you but I am testing you to see how
you react. I put the above statement in a way to make it sound like my duplicity
is actually a noble act. I am denying myself the joy of giving my love to you by
staying away and with someone else in order to confirm to myself that my love
for you is true and the real thing. Shouldn’t I be able to know this without
shacking up with someone else half the time? Not I, I do not really know what
love is, so to declare that I am somehow making a sacrifice in the name of love
for you, is an entirely empty gesture. What I am really doing is that whilst I may
appear to be noble and spirited, I am seeing if you will react to this behaviour in
a way that tells me you will not stand for it or whether you accept my comment
and declare that you understand. If it is the former, then I have pushed you too
far and I shall have to either let you go (unlikely) or hoover you back in by
pretending to ditch the other person. If your reaction is the latter however then I
know that you have fallen under my spell. Nobody healthy and secure would
ever allow such a situation to exist. If he wants to be with me then he should be
with me, is what you ought to be thinking and saying. By falling for this ruse of
apparent romantic nobility, you are confirming to me that I have you under my
control and this pleases me greatly. Not only does it mean that you will be
waiting around for me to come and re-connect with you once I have grown bored
of this distraction, it also tells me that you are a complete pushover and I will not
have to do much to either devalue you and then hoover you in the future. You
will comply with my wishes and demands. You will pour fuel towards me and in
the process lose your self-esteem, self-confidence and integrity. This comment
and your reaction to it is designed to ascertain how far you will debase yourself
and how far I can push you. It is an early indication of abuse and it is wrapped
up in red roses and kisses in order to fool you into thinking that somehow it is
right.

6. You are over-reacting.
If you do not agree with what I say, you are over-reacting. If you try to blame
me for something that I have done, because I am allowed to do as I please, you
are then over-reacting. If you take steps to limit my actions, criticise me in any
way and act outside of the parameters that I have set for you, then you are over-
reacting. The aim is to minimise the behaviour I have engaged in to divert blame
from me and to paint you as some histrionic individual. This picture takes
careful cultivation as it will be used to full effect later in the devaluation and
especially your discard. I am allowed to exaggerate and embellish, indeed I live
most comfortably with those notions.
We would struggle without those twin helpers of exaggeration and
embellishment as we make our mediocre achievements impressive and our
decent accomplishments spectacular. Good for all occasions, a healthy and
liberal sprinkling of exaggeration makes us far more appealing and alluring.
Embellishing what I have done ensures I look far better than you and means that
I remain the superior individual. Like salt and pepper at meal times,
exaggeration and embellishment are never far from our kind. We make
everything bigger, better, bolder, brighter and more brilliant. We love to magnify
and multiply in order to convey just how great we are, yet, generous souls that
our kind are it would not be fair if we did not allow you an opportunity to be
seen to exaggerate and embellish, to make a mountain out of a mole hill and
blow things out of proportion. Of course, when we provide this opportunity to
you, it has none of the self-aggrandizing effects of our behaviour for ourselves
but it used as an opportunity to make you see hysterical, unreliable and someone
who is trying to pin the blame on us unfairly. We use exaggeration to inflate
what we are but also as a means of attacking you.
By suggesting that you are over-reacting we are accusing you of the
exaggeration that we so often engage in. We are projecting onto you but doing it
in such a way so as to undermine your credibility. If others hear us say this, then
this is done to make you seem stupid in their eyes. If it is only you who hears us
say this, then we want you to doubt yourself. We know that self-doubt abounds
inside of you and we will readily exploit this in order to make you question
whether you are actually right about what you have said to us or whether
perhaps, yes, we are right and you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. By
deflecting you from attacking us, we use this to cause you to question yourself
and respond in an emotional fashion. One massive advantage we have over you
is that our thinking is usually guided by logic (our logic admittedly which is
different to yours) but we have clarity of thought and purpose. Your thoughts
and decisions are clouded by emotion and this hampers your effectiveness in
dealing with us.


7. I want to be with you forever.

There is no want about it. In our minds we achieve the aim from the beginning.
We are already locked together forever. You may not think this and indeed
somewhere along the line you will want to escape me, although quite why that is
when you are the problem, is beyond me. Anyway, that is for later. Right now
you have agreed (although you will never recall having said such words to that
effect) to remain my property for the rest of your life. This means that
everything you own, have and are now belongs to me and I will deal with it in
whatever fashion I see fit. I will use and abuse you over and over again as this is
my right. Just when you think I have disappeared I will be back more. This is a
life-long covenant. When I tell you that I want to be with you together what I am
actually telling you is that we are going to be together forever because once I
have sunk my teeth into you and begun to extract that delicious fuel I will
continue to do so until one of us draws out last breath. The concept of forever
appeals to me as I regard myself as immortal, able to live on because of my god-
like qualities. I maintain this view for much of my life and it will only be on my
death bed that I will finally consider that immortality may have eluded me. Prior
to that I believe I had such an entitlement in that regard. I will live on and
making such statements using words such as “always”, “until the end of time”
and “forever” not only appeal to you in terms of their romantic and emotional
inference they also underline what I think of myself and my longevity.
Once I have claimed you as mine, even though I may disappear for
months or even years, even though you may put me from your mind and take
steps to escape me, I will always reserve the right to come back and take from
you again in the future. There is no true end to our relationship. It is permanent,
irrespective of whether you meet somebody else or whether I do. When I tell you
that I want to be with you forever, you will find it romantic; I am actually telling
you what is going to happen and you had better get used to us.


8. I am your soul mate.
I know you are a big believer in emotional concepts such as love, spirituality
and the soul. I need to tap into that and I need to do so quickly. I want to
suggest that our love goes beyond this earthly plane on which we stand and it
is something all the more ethereal and noble. That ought to impress you and
cause you to become bound to me. Using such an emotionally laden comment
in this regard is always going to prove an irresistible draw to someone like
you. As an empathic individual you are a believer in the soul. You consider
that certain actions are good for the soul, that your soul can be preserved and
saved and somehow lives on. The suggestion of being soul mates conjures up
an image of our joining at a level more than just wrapping around one another
and holding one another close. It is the very embodiment of our being that
has come together and what greater commitment can I exhibit towards you
(and thus completely seduce you) than to suggest that we are soul mates?
I am not your soul mate; I am here to steal your soul because I do not have
one. I am a vast black hole which must be filled by absorbing the emotions
and souls of others. I crave fulfilment and can only achieve this by stealing
from others their feelings to compensate for the diminution in my own. There
are some who believe that we do not feel. That is not correct. We have
feelings but they are linked mainly to the sensation of power and negativity.
We feel potent, indestructible, weak, impregnable, invulnerable, furious,
envious, jealous and hateful. We feel power as it courses through us,
channelled from the fuel that we extract from all that we come into contact
with.
Your soul is where the most precious of your emotions resides. Your
emotional core that we want to devour. To drain you of your soul and leave
you as an empty shell will enable us to try to fill the black hole that is inside
of us. When I tell you that we are soul mates, this is a warning. It means that I
have chosen your soul for consumption, a full and burgeoning soul, oozing
with emotion and feelings, just ripe for a near vacuum such as I to latch onto
and suck from inside of you.

9. Nobody loves you the way that I do.

Yet again this is said to take hold and exploit your belief in love. I make this
sound like I am being a martyr to love that I hold it dearest above all else. It also
appeals to the sense of being special. I am special because I do not love you like
anybody else. You are special because I do not love you like anyone else. Our
love and the manner in which it manifests is greater than anybody else’s. When
this is said in tandem with our love-bombing during the seduction, the meaning
you allow it to take on is such that it feels romantic, heady and divine. How
wonderful of us to say such a thing, to show such commitment to you that goes
beyond anything that anybody else could exhibit. How remarkable and unique
we are. This is said to make you feel wonderful but it is also said to make us
seem astonishing, superb and above anybody else. It is also said in case there are
competitors for your love, other people who may wish to have you for
themselves and by making such a comment we are casting aspersions on those
pretenders by telling you that they are not worthy because they cannot love you
like we do. They cannot provide you with the love that we do because we are
better and beyond them. You must be told this so that you are not tempted by
them and instead you remain with me and bound to me.
This comment is also one that provides you with some truth when viewed from
our perspective. What passes for love from our kind is the assimilation of you
into me through my sustained bombardment of your senses and desire for love.
What passes for love from our kind is the invasion of your sense of self which is
over-run and over-powered by the sheer manufactured brilliance of our faux
affection, sensuality desire and passion. Nobody else does love like this for our
love is always brighter, bolder and more brilliant than anybody else because it is
not real. It is all glittering and shining devices, smoke and mirrors. Our love is
unlike anybody else’s because it is a rollercoaster, one minute a wonderful high,
the next a miserable low and then up again to the elated high. Nobody else loves
in this way apart from our kind and thus when we tell you that nobody loves you
the way that I do, it is true, only not in the way that you think. You are again
being warned that what lies ahead is a most unnatural love in terms of why it is
used, how it is formed and the consequences for you.

10. I’ve never loved anybody like this before.

Again, making such a statement is designed to make you feel special so that
you are bound closer to me. Once more I will tap into your desire to feel
special and unique when it comes to matter of the heart and I am only too
happy to oblige because such comments are easy for me to make.
The reality is that everybody else that has been ensnared as my intimate
partner and everyone who has yet to be ensnared as my intimate partner has
been “loved” in exactly the same way.
I do not know how to love because I either was never shown how to or the
version of love that was demonstrated to me was all-consuming and based on
the desire of somebody else to live vicariously through me rather than allow
me to develop my own sense of self. That is what I have been told by those
who I have been forced to engage with through my treatment, but this is not
the place for indulging in such discussions. I do not know how to feel love
but I certainly know how to replicate it. I absorb all manifestations and
representations of love, through books, films, poems, what I see in those
around me and I mimic and I copy. I pull phrases from the great romantic
works and claim them as my own. I observe how one is meant to behave
when courting somebody, when seducing them and wooing them and I
replicate that only a hundred fold to be certain that my seduction is both
effective and productive. I study all this available material and use if like a
blueprint for the demonstration of love and I do this with you, with her, and
her before you and she that will come after you. My modus operandi in
exhibiting love is the same every time with whoever I wish to seduce as my
intimate partner. I “love” in the same way. Yes, there will be some variations
on a theme based on what you like most of all as I mirror your desires to
place myself in the position of maximum opportunity, but the central planks
of this technique remain the same. I see no reason to operate in a different
manner because each time the technique succeeds. There is no point is
messing with a winning formula. I have loved everybody else in precisely the
same manner as I love you and this will not change. You are not special. You
are not unique but I imply and suggest that you are so as to ensnare you.
I am a fraud, a counterfeiter and a mass producer of fabricated love that is
churned out from a massive production facility. Passion, affection, desire,
intimacy, endearment and devotion are produced in huge spawning vats ready
for me to draw down on them at any time and pump out these faux emotions
to con you. Lust, yearning, infatuation, adulation, warmth, kindness,
devotedness, they are all waiting in labelled boxes for me to dip in to them
and then cascade their content liberally over you. Romance, sympathy,
benevolence and such like stand waiting to be utilised, ready to be
weaponised as my assault against you becomes more concerted.
I love everybody the same way and it is not even love.

11. All of my other relationships were just trials for this
one.
You are made to think that you are the chosen one when I tell you this. It is
an excellent way of consigning past relationships (which we all have had)
into the dustbin of insignificance. In some respect, we would prefer that
nobody came before you in our relationship history such is our desire to make
you seem elevated and special. However, our need to denigrate those
treacherous exes and triangulate them with you means that they are a means
to an end and cannot be deleted so readily. Thus they must remain but we still
want you thinking that you are better than any of them, the one we truly prize
and making such an assertion attends to that desire on our part and also to
make you feel wonderful.
Where the other relationships were actually trials is where we used them to
hone our manipulative techniques. Those of our kind who are aware and
greater in nature learn from what we do and how you react. We scrutinise
your behaviours to know which of our manipulations are the more effective.
We learn from your emotional responses so we can fashion our masks so we
may mimic those supposed emotional responses on our part, in the future. We
test out our actions, we monitor your responses, we gauge the fuel we can
obtain and check how far we can push. We use these previous relationships
as places to test our hoovering skills and with each passing relationship we
become more effective and honed. The comments, reactions and behaviours
which formed the dynamic between previous partners and ourselves are
distilled into our methodologies so that when we seduce you and then ensnare
you, you are dealing with a specialised and highly polished performer. You
will have no idea that is the case but when we tell you the statement above we
are laughing into our sleeves because like a lamb to the slaughter you have
been captured by a master practitioner. We are telling you that this is the case
through this coded message, not that you will realise and not will you know
to do anything about it either, but then, keeping you in the dark as we wrap
our tendrils around you is what it is all about.

12. My ex abused me, she is crazy.
It is an amazing fact but did you know that every ex-partner of a narcissist is
both abusive and crazy? No? Well, now you do. Of course that is not the
case, far from it but it suits our purposes to label the ex and indeed all our
exes in such a way. Why do we do this?
Firstly, we want you to feel sorry for us. We may not be a Victim Narcissist
(a categorisation of narcissist) but we have a victim mentality. People are
always looking to topple us from our seat of power as a consequence of their
envy for our magnificence, they are plotting to harm us and do us down. The
world is a cruel and harsh place where we are doing our best to forge ahead in
difficult circumstances. This world view and this particular mentality results
in us regarding ourselves as victims and we play on this on repeated
occasions. One of those occasions is at the outset as we seduce you and the
question of our ex comes up. We are dazzling you with our love-bombing,
showing how wonderful we are, how kind and considerate we are and
therefore we want you to feel sorry for us so that you provide us with words
and actions that generate fuel for us.
Secondly, we know that our ex who we have abused and cast to one side is
likely to approach you and try to warn you about our abusive ways. We may
not be able to stop you doing this but we will ensure that she or he is not
believed. We will damage the credibility of the ex by describing a litany of
invented abusive behaviour (more often than not we will describe what we
did to them as having happened to us) in order to convince you that we are
the victim and she is a harpy or he is a bully. You see that we are a delightful
person who has been attentive, loving and affectionate. You do not want
some crazed ex spoiling things and by underlining just how crazy this person
is, you will readily accept what we say. We will also ensure that many of our
lieutenants will be mobilised to provide us with supposedly impartial and
independent confirmation about the ex.
We engaged in a smear campaign when we discarded the ex, in order to
maintain our façade and also to ensure that as many people as possible regard
this person as crazy. We did this as we were targeting you, getting you ready
as we prepared to discard your predecessor so that once you were in place
you would believe everything that I say and reject anything said by the ex as
being the product of a deranged, warped and jealous mind.
Bear in mind however that you may be the apple of my eye now, but it will
you who becomes the crazed and abusive ex in the fullness of time if you do
not provide me with the potent and positive fuel I demand.

13. I did love my ex-wife but she was just getting me ready
for you.
We do not want to stretch credibility to suggest we did not love the person
that we were once married to. We would rather you think that you are the
only person that we have ever loved, but we know that if we married
somebody then love must have been involved. This has to be admitted and
indeed we turn that to a positive by showing to you that we have loved before
but of course our love was just not good enough no matter how hard that we
tried.
This comment is to tell you that all the mistakes that normal people may
make in the course of their relationships have been made and learned from. I
have become a better man for having been through this experience, made my
mistakes elsewhere (although of course her mistakes were worse) and with
that purging achieved I am now in the best possible position to be the perfect
partner for you.
By explaining that we loved somebody and that we married that person, but
in fact it was a trial run, suggests to you that we have done two wonderful
things (loved someone and married) and that was in effect practice for being
with you. This will make you feel particularly special and as consequence
this will speed you towards me.
The reality is, as I have already explained, that the love you know and
understand is a stranger to us. We loved the fuel that came from our ex-wife
or ex-husband. We loved all of the fuel from those wedding guests on our
wedding day. We loved the status that came from being married and the fact
that we had been able to cause someone to perform the ultimate commitment
to us.
This statement is uttered to test the water as to whether you will marry us. We
say it to gauge your reaction and if your response, as we expect it to be, is
favourable then we know that it will not take us long to get a ring on your
finger and make you our spouse, with all the attendant fuel providing and
status benefits that will arise from such a union.

14. If you leave me I will die.

Drama is central to our existence. We must create drama for it is from drama
that the heightened emotional reactions arise which provide us with fuel.
Drama is what provides us with a sense of purpose. Whether it is a dramatic
entrance at a party or a wedding or even a funeral so that all eyes are on us,
whether it is creating drama at an event to move the spotlight away from the
rightful recipient and placing it on ourselves or whether it is generating a
scene to provoke an argument or facilitate a hoover, there is a significant and
repeated need for the installation of drama.
Such a comment as the one above most certainly falls within the auspices of
the dramatic.
You may regard such a comment as ridiculous. How can we die if you go?
Are we threatening that we will commit suicide? Is that what is behind this
comment? No, it is not. Our kind very rarely commit suicide. This is for two
reasons. The first is that we see no reason to kill ourselves since we are so
important in the world and that the world needs us. We do not wish to
deprive the world of such an important figure as ourselves. The second
reason is because we are dead already in the emotional sense. Stripped of our
emotions a long time ago (save a noxious and toxic few which are necessary
for the gathering of fuel, such as hatred, envy, fury and frustration) we cannot
kill what is not there to begin with. So, what do we mean when we make such
a dramatic statement?
You are our primary source of fuel. You are the person that provides the best
fuel and most often. This fuel is needed to power the construct that we have
created. This construct allows us to furnish it with the traits and
characteristics that we steal from other people which we want to portray to
the world as our real self. This is how we want the world to regard us. The
fuel you give (as well as that from other sources, but chiefly from you) is
necessary to maintain this construct and to enable these traits to “stick” to it.
If our fuel is reduced, the construct starts to fall apart. The traits and
characteristics will no longer adhered to us and the very thing that we want
the world to see will crumble and cease to exist.
Thus if you remove your fuel by leaving us there is a risk (unless we can turn
to secondary sources of fuel and/or find a new primary source of fuel
quickly) then the construct will collapse and we regard this as us, the us we
want the world to see and admire and love, as dying.

15. Nobody has made me orgasm like that before.
We like to flatter you into thinking that you are special and unique. In some
respects, you are because we regard you as the one who this time just might
be the one who provides us with the fuel that will be positive and potent
forever. You represent our hopes and our desires and in that respect we do
regard you as special. Accordingly, we will say many things to reflect this
special status that we have accorded you. One way of doing this is to be make
repeated mention of the fact that you are the only one to do a certain thing,
you are the only one to have made us feel a certain way.
It will make you feel special even though you may think that it cannot be
true. For instance, if we are a narcissist in our mid-thirties and you know that
we have had numerous ex partners, then it is highly likely we will have had a
lot of sex and we will also have had many intense orgasms. Notwithstanding
this and if you explain as such to us we will be most insistent that you are the
best and therefore this will go further to reinforce how special you are.
The purpose of this comment is to make you feel special so you are bound
closer to us. We actually do mean it because in the moment we want to
believe that you are better than those that have gone before. The reality is that
it is more likely than not untrue. The statement when viewed in objective
isolation is absurd and is an exaggeration designed to cause you to feel
special and thus more readily drawn into the false reality that we have created
for you. There are many comments of a similar nature which will be
superlative in description although once subjected to dispassionate and
objective analysis they cannot be true. These hand grenades are used liberally
during our seduction of you and you fail to be concerned by them because
their contents are flattery, affection and compliments. They actually however
contain a darker motive which is to draw you closer to us so you become
more readily ensnared. Such a comment as the above and those of a similar
nature are actually warnings that you are being told sugar-coated things
which cannot possibly be true or are unlikely to be true and the motive behind
making such comments is nefarious in nature, contrary to first appearances.


16. You have been sent from heaven to be with me.
Another spiritual and heavenly comment which is designed to make you feel
unique and special. It is obvious that you are not from heaven but this
statement is an example of the magical thinking from which our kind suffer.
We want to believe that you have been sent by a higher force to provide us
with the fuel that we crave because thinking in this manner reinforces how
regard ourselves. We consider ourselves to be superior, special and above
other people in ability and talents. Only someone as special as us can be
served (and this is what we want you to do ultimately for us) by someone
who has been sent from God or a higher plane. This comment is not so much
about you (although it does us no harm to make you sound special) and is
more about how we consider what we are and how we wished to be viewed.
Someone as marvellous as me needs to be attended to by someone else that is
special (although not as special as me of course) and this means you have
been heaven sent.
It also provides an insight into the real wretched individual that we have shut
away from the outside world and imprison inside the construct that we have
created. This individual, known as the creature, is how we really feel but we
do not want to be like that so we have imprisoned it and created a grander,
superior and altogether more brilliant individual through the construct.
Nevertheless, there remains that sensation, that need to be saved from the
wretched existence that has been thrust upon us by others and we regard this
as an act of salvation which must come from a higher force. This higher force
has sent you to save us, to ensure, through your delicious and potent fuel that
we can remain the brilliant construct that we want to be and that we need to
contemplate the wretched creature any further and it can remain imprisoned
and hopefully forgotten about inside the construct. You are an agent of this
higher force who has been sent to serve us, to save us and ensure that we
continue to be the thing we want to be, preserved and powered by the
glorious fuel that you will provide to us.

17. We have so much in common, isn’t it wonderful?
. What a wonderful occurrence, such serendipity that everything you like I like
as well. Even better, all the things that you do not like, I do not like either. It as
if we are two halves of one perfect person. That is exactly what I see because all
I will do is mirror you. I have spent time watching you, observing you, finding
out about you from friends and scouring your internet footprint in order to learn
as much as I can about you so that I can present myself as mirror image. I
actually cannot stand listening to Coldplay but that isn't going to stand in the
way of my replication so I seduce you with incredible speed and ease.
When you are told this, you ought to beware because there are two considerable
concerns which lurk behind this statement. The first is that we have been
researching you so that we know what you like and what you do not like. We
have gathered this information for a variety of purposes. We use this to start
conversation with you that we know you will be interested in and it will
therefore make the bonding between you and I all the easier. This information is
advantageous so we do not make a significant faux pas by focussing on
something that you are not interested in or even worse actively dislike. It allows
us to suggest exciting places to visit based on what we have already learned
about you, gifts to purchase for you and interests to engage you in. The second
concern is that many of the things which I say that I like I do not. Accordingly,
when you think back and had fond memories of the glorious time we had horse
riding, I only did it in order to mirror what you liked and to draw you closer. I
found it tedious in reality but in keeping with the many masks that I use, I was
readily able to appear as if I was having an excellent time with you. What you
thought was a real and tangible wonderful memory was utterly fake. Yes, it
happened but the desire to do so and the emotions that were exhibited whilst
participating in that activity, that interest or going to that place were all
manufactured in order to have you believe that we were enjoying it too. You
have been conned on many occasions. There is no denying that there will have
been some activities, times together than we found enjoyable and entertaining
enough but once again you are unable to salvage anything from that because our
enjoyment was nothing to do with sharing the experience with you. Instead it
was all about drawing fuel from you and ensuring that we bound you tighter to
us.
When you hear us say that we have much in common with one another, this is
just a convenient statement of seduction borne out of a manufactured
compatibility. If you love horse-riding and the next person does not, we will
maintain we don’t like horse riding with the next person and eradicate any
evidence that we ever engaged in that activity. The interests, activities and times
together that will flow from our expression of having so much in common
together will all be fabricated. You ought to heed such a comment as a warning
before you are drawn into our web and the creation of empty memories.

18. Tell me about your past

I have no real interest in what you did when you were twelve, how many
times you won the high jump and what your relationships were with your
family other than to take these anecdotes and recollections and use them for
my own purposes. The uttering of the above statement is really a declaration
along the lines of: -
“Open yourself up to me so I can extract useful knowledge to use to seduce
you and then to abuse you.”
Your past is useful in knowing about things you enjoyed when you were
younger, the faults your exes have, what delights you and how you got to
know your friends. All of this information is gratefully received, remembered
and filed away to use in our seduction of you. This may not seem such a bad
thing for we are attuning ourselves to you for the purposes of making you
happy. If it were to end there then one may consider that it is not a terrible
thing to have happen. The fact is however that it is used to attract you and
seduce you in the all to likelihood that you will then be ensnared in a
nightmare. By offering up the “good” information about your past, we will
readily use this information for the purposes of getting you where we want
you.
Thereafter, the extraction of such information from you becomes far more
sinister. The things that frighten you, the poor experiences you had when you
were younger, events that traumatised you and difficult relationships will all
be prised from you under the auspices of being interested and caring about
you. All of this information is being stockpiled in our arsenal to then turn
against you once you start to fail us and have to be subjected to the
devaluation. We will exploit your weaknesses, focus on your vulnerabilities
and especially look to dredge up actions from your childhood as the impact of
these unpleasant events is far greater when they occurred in childhood. We
better than most know that to be the case.
A keen interest in your past with an open invitation to tell us all about it is
just a mechanism of getting under your skin and turning it against you at a
later juncture.

19. You are best staying away from me; I do bad things.

A rare comment of truth and often said at an early stage in the seduction by
our kind. What is meant by this depends on which type of our brethren that
you are dealing with and also the nature of the victim.
The lesser of our kind struggle to control what lurks beneath and by making
such a comment they may actually be thinking aloud and have not actually
intended for you to hear this. If you do hear it heed the warning as it is being
issued as truth and a portent of what is to come. This comment from the
lesser of our kind, the low functioning narcissist is indicative of the inner
turmoil that all of our kind experience but some of our kind are better at
controlling and regulating. The lesser functioning narcissist wants to appear
as a good person because he knows this is what he should be in society’s eyes
and also yours. He also knows that many of the things that he does are
labelled as bad and unpleasant. He wants to attract you so he can the obtain
your fuel, but the tension between being regarded as good and acting that way
as opposed to what is really lurking beneath and is going to happen means
that the lesser narcissist will struggle to control. He is warning you of what is
to come because this is a kind thing to do, a good thing to do and he wants so
desperately to be thought of as good. He ought to say nothing for fear of
scaring you away, but he cannot and the ever present dark and malevolent
force which will unleash this bad side is allowed out into the early part of the
seduction, purely as a spoken aloud thought. If you try and pursue the point
he will back away from it, retreating and blaming it drink or tiredness and he
will try and smooth it away quickly so you forget about it.
The greater of our kind exert a greater control over this turmoil and when the
greater narcissist allows this statement out in the early stages of the seduction
he has not done so by accident. It is an entirely deliberate act. The calculating
greater narcissist has ascertained that his victim will find such a comment
difficult to resist. It might be that the victim likes a “bad boy” and even more
likely it will appeal to the empathic victim’s desire to curtail these malevolent
influences and fix and heal the narcissist. The victim has no idea she has the
narcissistic tendrils coiling around her, but such a comment is the mark of a
troubled soul surely? This means that as an empathic person the victim is
duty bound to want to help. Their curiosity is piqued. They want to know
more. The threat of danger is more alluring than repelling and she finds
herself drawn further to the narcissist wanting to learn more about the dark
streak that has been allowed into the light of day so that she may understand
it, embrace it and expunge it.
This early declaration of malevolent intent also allows the greater of our kind
to throw it back in your face when the devaluation is in full effect. When you
are asking us to stop, crying because you cannot take any more we can
spuriously adopt the moral high ground by telling you that we did warn you
and you still chose to remain. It is cold comfort for you but another method
of directing a further emotional blow against you and enabling us to draw on
the fuel provided.
You will find that there are periodic tells like this in terms of comments
which are made which actually evidence our true nature. Moments when we
tell you not necessarily what we are but what we do, warnings of the darkness
that is to come. These are inadvertent in the case of the lesser members of our
brethren, like steam escaping from a boiling pot as the lid lifts. They are
entirely deliberate and part of our careful manipulation and seduction of you
when uttered by the greater of our kind. When you hear them you will not
appreciate that you are engaging with one of our kind, never mind which type
of our kind we happen to be, but when a warning of such badness is given to
you, you ought to recognise it for what it is and pay heed to it and thus make
good your escape.

20. You love to argue don’t you?
You don’t and we know that you don’t. You do not like confrontation, but we
do because this causes an emotional response and thus we gain fuel. We
know that you would rather have a calm and rational discussion but that is of
no use to use. By stating this to you we are projecting our own behaviour.
Projecting is the hallmark of many, as you would call them, disordered
people and abusive people and it is prevalent amongst our own kind. It is a
method by which we defend ourselves also by which we can manipulate you.
By accusing you of something, such as being argumentative, when you are
clearly not we want to provoke you into trying to defend yourself. We are
also doing it to deflect from our argumentative nature as well because we do
not want to be regarded in a poor light and of course being argumentative is
classed as an unpleasant trait to have. We have to be argumentative. The
creation of an argument over nothing is a method by which we achieve many
of our aims, fuel, superiority, a sense of self-worth and eroding your ability to
cope amongst other matters. By operating in this fashion and then accusing
you of doing the very thing that we do, we know that you will react to this
with astonishment, outrage and upset all of which will provide us with fuel.
Asserting that you like to argue is also part of the way we condition you. We
will choose a particular attribute which we know you will regard as
inapplicable to you and not something you would ever want associated with
you and we shall keep telling you that you are this particular attribute. In this
instance it is telling you that you are argumentative. We shall keep telling you
this so that in conjunction with other manipulative methods which will wear
you down, you will begin to accept what we are telling you. At first you will
resist. Then you will begin to suffer doubt and question whether perhaps you
are actually argumentative. You will also find that because we have provoked
so many arguments with you, you begin to lose track of whether we started
them or whether you did. Indeed, such is the level of our unpleasant
behaviour and your exhaustion you will actually commence arguments and
thus start to become the very thing you are not as a consequence of our
manipulation and repeated application telling you that this is what you are.
Be aware that as we are telling you that this is what you are we will also be
telling third parties the same thing about you as we embark on a smear
campaign and also a method of maintaining our façade.
Accusing you of being argumentative may on the face of it appear like a
nasty comment but there are several threads to such an accusation.

21. I love you, I just don’t like you at the moment.
This appears nonsensical to you. If we love you then surely we must also like
you. One goes hand in hand with the other doesn’t it? What we mean when
we say these words is intended to create anxiety, uncertainty and confusion in
you. What we are really saying is,
“I love your fuel and I don’t want to lose that but I need to say something
which not only provokes you into acting in an emotional fashion but makes
you try harder to please me.”
By telling you that I love you I am tapping into your devotion to the concept
of love. A concept which is endemic amongst empathic people such as you. I
am giving you reassurance that I love you still so that you know all is not
doomed. By telling you that I don’t like you I am treating you like a child. A
parent ought to have unconditional love for their child but will at times have
to exhibit tough love, discipline and guide the child in ways which may seem
to run contrary to loving somebody. This is done for the greater good of the
child. We are treating you in a similar way by reassuring you that we love
you but explaining that you have done something to offend us and we will
have to punish you for your transgression. By suggesting you have done
something wrong which is causing our dislike we immediately cause you to
feel that you need to put it right. This need to fix is a hallmark of the
empathic individual and when couched in these terms the desire to put right
what it is that you have done wrong (although of course we will not tell you
what it is – you have to guess) is strong.
We create confusion with this comment which is designed to ensure you do
not fathom out a way of dealing with our manipulation. We trade on your
sense of guilt by reminding you that we love you and yet how can you,
someone who is a recipient of our love, cause us to dislike you at the same
time. You must have done something terrible and injurious to us which needs
to be put right forthwith. This is of concern and we know that you will move
to remedy the situation by asking us repeatedly what you have done, how you
can make things right and then attending to what we ask of you. This simple
sentence allows us to exert control over you whilst drawing fuel. It is a
sentence designed to appeal to your core empathic traits and it is also another
way in which we call on the ghosts of your childhood, so often the source of
much of your insecurity and need to make things right, all to our benefit.

22. I can’t remember.
Actually I can. My memory is formidable because I am able to remember
ever transgression, problem, mistake and error you have made. I can
remember when it was, what happened and how it was your fault and never
mine. I can even remember events that never actually happened so long as the
outcome is that it was your fault and I am made to look good.
My memory is entirely reliable because I am able to remember all of the
information you gave me during the seduction and now, in this winter of
devaluation I am able to recall this litany of weaknesses and vulnerabilities
and turn them against you.
My memory is fully functioning because I am able to orchestrate an affair
whilst cultivating three other prospects, remembering what I have said to
each individual and concoct enough lies to ensure that none of you find out
about one another.
Do not think that we cannot remember. We always can.
When we say this, we are telling you what you are saying is so insignificant
and pointless that it does not merit a substantive and detailed reply. Your
questions are boring us and we want them to end so we tell you that we
cannot remember. If your questions are ones which are dripping with
accusation and blame, then we feign that we cannot remember in order to
cause you to react and give us more fuel. Our supposedly poor memory is a
method to deflect your attempt to blame us because we cannot be held to
account ever and certainly not by someone like you. It is an easy place for us
to go to, to take refuge in the uncertain, to skulk in the world of the forgotten
but it is purely a device because we always remember and we want to be
remembered. That is why we imprint everything we do with such grandiosity
and drama. The response of I cannot remember is purely a means by which
we seek to diminish what you are saying. It is as if we are yawning at what
you are telling us. We use it even when you are being pleasant to us during
the devaluation stage when you invite us to recall a pleasant memory that we
both share. We know what you are talking about, we remember it well but it
does not serve our purpose to remember this pleasant and enjoyable event
because it belongs to a different time, a time when you did as you were
expected, when you functioned as we wanted and when you provided us with
the potent and positive fuel that we need and demand. That time has passed.
It is a bygone age and therefore we claim not to remember in order to
frustrate and upset you.

23. Why do you have to spoil everything?

Another example of projection. We are the spoilers, the defilers and the wreckers
which must be done in order to prevent the rise of anybody else. This must be
done to make them know their place and keep them there and ensure that we
always remain in the ascendancy. We do not subscribe to the view that a rising
tide lifts all boats, we have holed yours so it sinks and so ours is only the boat
that is floating and everybody wants to be on ours.
We have a black and white view of the world whereby people are placed into
two camps; they are either with us or against us. There is no middle ground. You
either do what we want and receive our largesse, our blessing and our favour, or
you do not and therefore you are the enemy and shall be treated as such. Thus
when you fail to do what we want, even if, in your world view there may be
clear and cogent reasons for you adopting this stance, you are spoiling
everything. If you speak when we want to speak, receive attention when it is on
us, if you do not second guess our requirements, if you fail to provide us with
what we want, if you take the spotlight away from us, fail to laugh at the
appropriate time and do anything which contravenes our capricious and hard to
understand behaviours we will accuse you of spoiling everything. And we mean
everything. You are not spoiling the moment, the evening or the day. You are
not spoiling the occasion. You may not have actually done anything at all
because your sleights against us invariably take place in a world that we
construct and is entirely different from the one you ordinarily inhabit. We do not
do things by halves and when we tell you that you are spoiling everything we
mean that you are running our lives, wrecking our world and creating a
catastrophe on a huge scale. You may think it is melodramatic but to us your
failure to submit to our control is such a grievous act of treachery that we regard
as tantamount to threatening our very existence.
This rationale operates in this manner.
You fail to do something (or we perceive you as failing to do something) that we
want.
This is a criticism.
This wounds us.
You are also failing to provide us with fuel.
This weakens us and causes the criticism to wound us further.
If this is not checked our construct will come tumbling down and we will cease
to exist. Oblivion awaits us.
Our fury is ignited by your action as we hate criticism.
We must lash out and we do so by accusing you of spoiling everything.
This makes you react and gives us fuel. This fuel powers us and repairs the
wound and we recover.
Thus, the accusation that you are spoiling everything is predicated on your
failure to do as we want which in turn puts at risk our existence and such a bold
assertion and a hurtful one is designed to draw the fuel from you which is
needed to repair the wound you have caused.
When you hear these words you know you have landed a blow against us even if
you knew nothing of it beforehand.

24. You are the only one I have these problems with.
This may seem that we are alluding to previous relationships and how there
were no problems in them compared to what is happening now. In part that is
correct but this is said as a direct contradiction to what we have told you
during the seduction. During the seduction we explained that our exes were
crazy and abusive (see 12 above) and now we are suggesting that there was
no problem. This volte face will stagger you and cause you to feel like you
are under attack on two fronts. The first is that you are being made out to be a
problem, which you will find hurtful as you regard it as untrue. Secondly,
you are perplexed by this sudden change of stance concerning our exes. Thus
we will have you confused and likely to respond in an emotional fashion.
This comment however is going further. It is not just making reference to a
comparison between you and our exes, it is making a comparison between
you and the other people that we are cultivating relationships. You should
have regard to the context in which this comment is made.
If you are a colleague, we are favouring other colleagues and preparing you
to be a scapegoat.
If you are a family member, we are looking to cause other family members to
accept our prejudicial stance against you and castigate you.
If you are a friend, we are suggesting that you are falling out of favour and
you will be replaced.
If you are an intimate partner, we are engaged in an affair or affairs or at the
very least we are cultivating new prospects from online and in person
flirtations.
Should you be accused of being the only one that we have a problem with
you should know this is done to confuse, to draw fuel but most of all it is a
glaring warning that your discard is just around the corner. Ordinarily,
without this insight provided here you would be unaware of what is waiting
for you, but now you have been forearmed you can prepare accordingly for
what is to come.

25. You were a mistake.
I actually mean that I have made a huge mistake in thinking that you could
provide me with what I need and that you would continue to obey me and
submit to my control. I cannot however ever admit that I am wrong (unless it
serves some ulterior motive) and therefore I make out that you are the
mistake and you have misled me and conned me through your treacherous
duplicity.
By labelling you as such I am engaging in another verbal attack which is
designed to hurt you and transfer the blame to you. I enjoy blame-shifting. It
is an effective way of ensuring that I am never held accountable for anything
whilst at the same time making you react out of hurt, astonishment and
disbelief.
The force of the phrase,
“You were a mistake.”
Rings with the venom of a disapproving and disappointed parent who knows
that the cruellest way to lash out at a child is to suggest that they were never
wanted. If, as a consequence of our asking you about your past have been
given any indication that you are likely to have been treated in such a manner
by either of your parents then we will exploit this vulnerability on your part
by using this statement to its maximum effect. When we tell you that you
were a mistake and you should never have been involved in our lives we
want you to hear two voices.
Our voice.
And that of one of your parents.
The sudden shift to a childhood trauma is a highly effective way of punishing
you, asserting our control (as a parent would do so over the child) and
ultimately of causing you to react in a fuel laden manner. This phrase is
specifically designed to take you back to your childhood, prey on those fears
and make you feel small and helpless once again. This allows us to maintain
control over you through a simple yet caustic phrase.

26. What do you want me to do about it?
This comment will often be made when we have clearly done something
wrong or failed to do something and it is evident, when looked at from your
world view, that it is our fault and our responsibility.
By declaring the above statement, we are trumpeting the fact that whatever it
may be it is nothing to do with us. By all means, try and persuade us to the
contrary. We would like you to do that because we are not going to shift our
position and this intransigence will cause you to become upset, frustrated and
angry which is all good fuel for us. Should you try to suggest that it is our
responsibility or that we are accountable for the error or mistake you can
expect to receive a character assassination, a blame-shifting on to you and
further manipulations designed to assert our superiority and ensure you know
your place.
It is fundamental that we remain unaccountable for our actions. Not only is it
the case that we believe we are entitled to complete immunity for what we
say and do, occasioned by our innate superiority, we also believe it to be
necessary for us to be able to gather fuel as often and as effectively as we do.
If we were slowed down by having to make meaningful apologies, explain
ourselves, account for what we have done and accept responsibility for the
consequences this would absorb time that would be far better spent in the
pursuit of fuel. Hampering us in such a way would result in us becoming
weaker since we would not be able to gather as much fuel as usual. It is
therefore necessary, so we remain sleek, effective and light of foot, for us to
never be concerned about accountability and also to never allow
responsibility to rest with us. As with many of our machinations, this
approach also allows us to gather fuel in itself by the imposition of blame on
others, usually you and the astonished and outraged emotional response
which then flows from this staggering act of walking away scot free. As ever,
words are our best allies when it comes to throwing off the attempt to make
us assume the mantle of responsibility.
This statement is all about letting you know that everything is your fault,
nothing is our fault and we are not going to do anything about it, because our
huge sense of entitlement means we can do as we please.


27. You are imagining things.

This is said when we wish to deflect an attack that is made against us and
gather some fuel into the bargain as well. We want to always cast doubt on
what you say. By having you doubted as a credible witness we achieve
several things.
a. You doubt yourself;
b. Others doubt you so that our façade remains intact;
c. Others doubt you so our smear campaigns work;
d. You react and provide us with fuel.
You are not imagining anything. You will be right in what you are saying but
we do not like that. This suggests that you are right and we are wrong and
that is not a position that is acceptable to us. By saying this we are telling you
that you are highly-strung, a fantasist and not worth believing. We want to
detract from what you are saying by making you react to this comment. You
will respond in a particular manner in order to defend yourself. This is likely
to be emotional and thus you provide fuel. You will also lose sight of what
you are trying to say to us and we escape your attack.
It is nothing more than a device to evade what is being discussed and to put
you down by questioning your recall and your sanity. It will be used in
conjunction with phrases of a similar nature and said with such confidence
and conviction that over time you will begin to doubt yourself and then
believe that what we are saying is correct and that you perhaps have imagined
what has happened or what has been said. Is it any wonder that this is
happening? After all, you feel so tired, so run down and exhausted, but that is
part of what happens when you are subjected to our steady devaluation and as
usual applying this to you in this fashion is part of the way we behave so that
we cause you to doubt yourself and we are able to achieve what we want by
keeping you right where we want you, confused and flowing with fuel.

28. You need to get some help.
This is a delightful piece of projection. We need the help but we will not
admit nor will we go and get any help, why would we do this when there is
nothing wrong with us? Instead, we want you to think that there is something
wrong with you. Similar to the deciphering above this is designed to make
you doubt yourself, question your sanity and keep you under your control.
You should also be aware that this statement has a more sinister
interpretation. By keep saying it, often in front of other people as well (in
order to allow us to rely on that at a later stage to have witnesses confirm that
you were suggested to get help but you refused) we want you to eventually
fold and decide to get some help.
When you present to obtain this help you will probably be anxious, nervous
and beside yourself. We are not suggesting that you get this help because of
those things. We have suggested that you obtain some help because you have
some kind of disorder which is nasty and abusive in its manifestation. You
will receive treatment and probably medication to deal with the depression,
anxiety, palpitations, insomnia and so on that has been caused by us. We will
ensure that the exact nature of any diagnosis is kept quiet along with the type
of medication that you are taking, but we will readily tell people that you
have a mental health issue which you are being medicated for, that you need
to remember to take your meds, that you need to remember what the doctor
or therapist has told you, so it appears that you have the problem and not us.
By creating a need for you to seek treatment we deflect from any suggestion
that we need to. If you remain insistent in this, we can just patronise you and
tell you that your thinking has been affected by your illness. We can present
to everyone else that you have an issue and we will of course smear you by
telling up people that it is some disorder which makes you horrible and
abusive, even though that is not true. By telling you that you need help, we
are projecting, deflecting and ultimately sowing the seeds to have you
labelled as the “nutjob”, the “basketcase” and the Crazy One.

29. If you really loved me, you would let me go.
This statement means that we have discarded you and we want you to clear
off out of the picture (until of course such time as we decide that we loved
you all along and we hoover you) so that we can concentrate on the new prey
without you getting in the way and telling the truth (which we deem to be
untruths) to this new prospect.
Whilst we often relish the opportunity to triangulate a predecessor and a new
prospect we only want to be able to do this at our direction. There are
occasions when we want to be able to have a clear run at the new prospect,
seduce them and embed them under our control before considering whether
we want to the triangulate them with you as our predecessor and hoover you.
You have been discarded because you have ceased to provide us with the fuel
to the level we want, even when devalued. You may have defied us or
possibly seen through us (although this is less likely, although not impossible,
if you still want us.) These words are usually said in the scenario where we
have cast you aside, you do not know why or understand and you still want
us. We do not want you and we have organised a new prospect who we are
busy seducing and we need to be able to do so without you getting in the
way. We do not want to spend time explaining who you are or having you
cause difficulties with our new prospect.
In order to cause you to leave us alone and provide us with a clear run at the
new prospect (although you will not know that there is one) we want you to
go. The one way we see of achieving this is to appeal to one of your core
empathic traits as a devotee of love. By using love as the reason for letting
me go we tap into a deep-seated belief of yours. You tell us repeatedly that
you love us still and in order for us to allow this to be the case price is that
you leave us alone. If you do not do so, how can you be said to love us? This
is a form of emotional blackmail. We will conjure up all manner of different
reasons why we no longer want to be with you but we will not tell you the
truth.
If you hear this statement you should know that we have someone else as the
object of our affections and you are being tossed aside and not only that we
do not want anything to do with you at all.
Of course, down the line that will change, but we are talking about the here
and now, not the past and not the future.


30. After everything I have done for you, you treat me like
this?
What this statement really means is,
“I am entitled to do what I want. You are not doing what I want. This makes
you a bad person.”
The reality is that you have done everything for me and I treat you
horrendously but that does not matter to me because I am important and you
are not. The only time I am concerned about you is when you threaten
(overtly or covertly) to take away my precious fuel. I do not care if you hit
me, hurl abuse at me, shout and scream because that is all fuel.
I do not want you disobeying me, refusing to proceed in the manner I require
or undermining me. That amounts to criticism and I hate criticism.
Remember all the love-bombing that I subjected you to? All that love, praise,
affection, admiration and attention? The romantic gestures, the loving words,
the mighty passion and the declarations of undying togetherness? You do?
Good. Do you also remember the gifts, the places I took you, the people I
allowed you access to, the fact I listened, the fact I helped you? Yes, you
remember all of that as well don’t you? How could you forget, it felt
wonderful? Well, all of that came with a cost attached to it. You didn’t know
this at the time because nobody told you and I certainly didn’t, I would not
want to do that in case it frightened you off. All of this was done to seduce
you. All of this was done to ensure that you had a large debt to me at the
Bank of Me which I am now calling in.

When you first show up in my sights I open a bank account. The details look
something like this

Bank of Me

Account Holder: A Victim

Sort Code: 666 666

Account Number: 0000 1455

You are now aware that I have opened such an account but everyone (and I
mean everyone) I interact with has one. My friends, my family, my colleagues
and most of all those that I enter into an intimate relationship with. This bank is
well established and on secure foundations. In the beginning, when we begin our
dance together, as you know, I will shower you with love, praise and affection.
The love bombing commences and the extravaganza of giving and delight seems
endless as the golden period begins. The gifts, the holidays, the parties and the
special dates. The incessant and over-the-top communications all dazzle you and
you lap it all up. Whilst this is happening you are creating a monumental
overdraft at the Bank of Me. You are given no notification of this, you are not
told about your limit (there is not one incidentally) nor are you advised of the
punishing, excruciating interest rate. Receive that gift of some jewellery -
kerching, that's another hefty withdrawal. Accept the invitation to go on a long
weekend break with me somewhere hot - ouch, that's going to take some paying
back. Withdrawal after withdrawal is made from your account and it seems like
this can go on forever, but everyone pays in the end.

When I grow tired of you it is time for the account to be put on hold. You have
taken far too much and this is when you start to pay. This bank will now only
accept deposits and those must be deposits of your emotions. The problem you
have is that this bank has massive demands because in order to lend to the new
customer (victim) that has just been acquired we need you to make those
deposits in a bid to balance the books. Not only that but the extortionate interest
rate means that you can never pay back what has been taken out. Yes, you will
make some inroads into the amounts you have borrowed but guess what? When
we see that you have made some progress we will allow you a short golden
period again so your overdraft increases once more. You remain forever
indebted to us, unable to escape this cycle of debt.

Like the spendaholic who is given an extension to his or her overdraft limit you
immediately use it as you fill up with the brief foray back into the golden period.
It will not last. A block is soon put in place again on your spending and we force
you to repay us with anger, tears, frustration and pain. Good morning madam, is
that a bag of misery you would like to deposit? Good, go right ahead. Hello sir, I
see you have some agony to deposit with us today, thank you, be sure to being
some more soon. You will be surprised just how flexible this bank is accepting a
whole host of currencies by way of deposit - despair, rage, sadness, loss of
sanity, loss of self-esteem, hopelessness, dejection, trauma and so much more.

Our ledgers are never prone to error. We detail and recall every withdrawal that
you have made, all of it carefully committed to the bank's memory so that the
outrageous demands for repayment can be made over and over.

There is no financial regulator that can close this bank and it remains a popular
bank with many customers on its books. Just keep in mind that you will never
stop paying for its services .

Yes, you are now going to pay for all of this because you have done
something that I do not like. You probably have no idea what it is but that is
beside the point. You have defied me, slighted me, criticised me and so on
and the upshot and consequence of this is that the massive debt that you have
accrued with me is now being called in and held against you. I will list
everything that I have done for you in tremendous detail. I will ignore any
attempt by you to point out all the things you have done for me. I will reject
any assertion that one does those things out of love and they cannot be held
against somebody later. They can and they will because these are my rules,
not yours and it is time to pay. Your money is no good You are going to pay
with emotion, self-worth, self-esteem and your sanity as I will be
sequestrating all of those to apply against your huge bill.


31. You are obsessed with me, just let me go.

What I mean when I say this to you is that I know you are obsessed with
ascertaining why I have treated you wonderfully, then awfully and then
thrown you to one side. Your obsession with working this out annoys and
irritates me as it causes questions to be asked of me and you are not entitled
to do that.
This statement is often used during triangulation when we have perhaps had
an affair with you and you are now seeking to expose the nature of that affair
to our partner and we would prefer than not to be the case. We will have
smeared you to our partner by explaining that we know you but you will not
leave us alone, that you keep pestering us and you are a trouble maker. We
need to explain to our partner why it is that this person is saying that we have
an affair. We want to portray you as a fantasist, somebody who is an
obsessed stalker and in order to maintain that façade we will tell you that you
are obsessed and you ought to leave us alone.
This serves two purposes for us. On the one hand it allows us to demonstrate
to our partner that we have not done anything wrong or untoward. On the
other hand, it allows us to project on to you and at the same time cause you to
react at our hypocrisy. You will be urged on to explain yourself by us saying
this to you. We gain fuel and also manage to paint you as the problem.

32. Nobody will ever be able to please you.
When we say this to you what we are actually telling you is this,
“You will ever experience a happy and satisfying relationship because of who
we you are, so your best bet is to stay with me. At least I will do you the
honour of putting up with you.”
This comment is designed to attack your self-worth by suggesting that it is
you who has the problem which means that every relationship you enter into
is doomed to fail. We are telling you that your inherent flaw is one which
cannot be overcome or remedied and it is a flaw, a terrible flaw that you
possess.
Of course you are rather easy to please because you are a good person, an
honest and decent person who just wants to be loved and looked after and be
able to give the same in return. The supposed high and unobtainable
standards that we allege you have, belong to us. We cannot be pleased. We
want you and others to try and to try repeatedly. We will give the impression
of being pleased for a period of time and then you are the most wonderful
person in the world, but eventually, as it always has done previously, we will
find some flaw, some error in your approach towards us. Usually imagined
rather than real, but this does not matter because this flaw means we will
begin to hate you and commence your devaluation in order to draw fuel from
you.
When we eventually discard you, this comment will be used in the smear
campaign against you. Heaven knows we tried everything to make you
happy. We will list all the things we did, which were all part of the seduction
stage and then point out that it was not enough. We want people to think that
you have impossible standards and that we are the victims in this who tried to
 give you everything and do the right thing but it was not enough.
We want to receive the pity and admiration from other people at trying to
please you. Indeed, if we made speech about this view we have of you, it
would go something like this.
“I don’t know what you want, heaven knows I have tried. Every day I have spent
my time in the pursuit of your happiness. It was easy at first because you seemed
so happy. I don’t think I had seen anybody who acted in such a care free manner.
Nothing seemed to bother you, hold you back or distract you. You moved with
such intent, acted with defined purpose and I must confess I found that
attractive. The singularity of your aim was evident to even the casual observer.
You shrugged off mishaps, shirked disaster and dodged catastrophe as if you had
once pledged that you would never countenance anything that could hinder or
hold you back. It is admirable and impressive. With that ability to glide
effortlessly through life you always seemed happy, or at least that is what I
thought. You made me happy too. Goodness knows you did. You did it better
than anybody else and with such conviction. I can place my hand on my heart
and confirm that I have never experienced anybody like you. Your capacity for
love exceeded anything I had witnessed before. Everything else paled next to
you and your blazing golden sunshine. You chased away the gloom, you lit up
the darkest of days and you always did so with such confidence and fortitude. It
was easy to love you, you made it easy. Who wouldn’t love a god who had
deigned to walk on the earth in such a manner? Of all of the billions making
their way across this planet you came and you chose me. Me. Two small letters
yet you made those letters fill your life and there was no room for anything else.
I had never been the focus of such love, attention and affection and do you
know, I doubt I ever will again. There is nobody like you. I mean that as a
compliment, I honestly do, nobody loved me the way you did. If I had not seen it
happening and felt it envelope me I would never have believed it and believe in
it I did, with every ounce of my being. You know I almost felt obliged to love
you. How could I not after all the things you did for me and everything you said?
I would surely be a cold-hearted harridan to have denied you the most perfect
love after what you showed me. I could no less reciprocate what you gave me
than walk away and I feel hard and deep for you so that it made loving you easy.
I gave everything for you but if I am honest, at least at first, it was no chore, no
arduous exercise or thorny path. It was bliss. You invigorated me, you elated me
and you inspired me. You became the centre of my world and thus I loved you in
every conceivable way that I could, with my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my
breath and my heart. I woke and the first thing I thought of was you. I found you
filling my thoughts often and repeatedly as I considered how best I could return
your wonderful love. I sculpted my life around yours as I cooked for you, I
shopped for you, I listened to you and I counselled you. I soothed your fevered
brow and held your clammy hand as you slipped into a chaotic slumber. I
laundered your clothes, I searched for your keys, I supported your endeavours
and I lauded your achievements. I made myself the best person you could ever
want by your side and I strove each and every day to maintain our happiness for
our perfect union. I invested everything I had in our partnership as I wanted to be
Robin to your Batman, Hutch to your Starsky and the Sundance kid to your
Butch Cassidy. I portrayed nothing less than the perfect visage to all of those
who admire you. The bended knee people, the hand-kissers, the bowing people
and those at your elbow and over your shoulders. I gave them no reason to doubt
us, to doubt you. I smiled when the pain tried to prevent me from doing so. I
blinked back the tears when they wanted to pour. I searched for answers even
when I began to realise that none would be forthcoming. You made me twist,
turn and dangle as you had me like Don Quixote, tilting at those windmills
because they might be giants. You made me think that enemies lurked behind
every corner, their long-fingered jealousy ready to steal what we had. I searched
for them, ready to strike them down in furtherance of what we have, because I
believed in you and I. I gave every minute of every day to you, I cancelled my
plans, I let friends loose and irked my family in order to give you what I thought
you wanted. I cleaned, I worked, I bathed, I trimmed, I cut, I dieted, I measured,
I washed and I did so all because of you. I had come so far along the road with
you that I was not going to stop because somehow I knew that we would
succeed, all I had to do was find what it was that you wanted. That is me, you
see, I am a giver and you are a receiver. That does not pain me because I have
spent most of my life being a provider and a giver, that is why I was put on the
earth, to care, to worry, to look after and to cherish. That is my role and I have
discharged myself in this role with utter dedication and distinction. I know I can
lie straight in the bed, even more so because you no longer frequent it with me
and do so in the knowledge that I have done everything I could for you. You
could not want for more. You could not want for a better person than. You were
the best for me and I wanted to be the best for you too. They say that when you
are going through hell you should keep on going, but I cannot. These shaking
hands, my scarred forearms and thinning hair tell me otherwise. The incessant
dull ache in my brown, the stoop that I have acquired and the ever present sense
of dread threaten to consign me to oblivion. I thought that if I knew what you
wanted, if I worked and tried, I could ascertain what it was that you wanted and
then I could give it to you and we would be one again. We would be us. We
would be happy.

I don’t know what you want.

But I cannot give it anymore.”

The reality is, this speech ought to come from you and be about me.


33. If it wasn’t for me, you would be nothing.
This comment is purely designed to tell you that you are nothing and we are a
god. When we say this comment to you, it serves several purposes for us.
a. We attack your self-worth so you are made to feel small;
b. We provoke you so you will provide us with fuel;
c. It reinforces our superiority. How wonderful we are to have allowed a
wretch like you to be associated with our kind.
d. It maintains the dynamic of control. You would be a nobody without
being associated with me.
The reinforcement of this message is done so that ultimately you believe it and
therefore you become concerned that if you did try to make a break for the
border and escape us, you really would be nothing. We will support this caustic
comment by pointing out how all your friends are our friends (this is because we
have isolated you from your friends whilst instructing our stooges to pretend to
like you). We will point out that you are reliant on my income (you used to work
but we stopped you doing that because it meant that you were subject to the
influence of other people and we did not want that to be the case). We have
obliterated your social life so that you are reliant on piggy backing ours, we
made you engage in our interests so that you neglected your own and through
such repeated behaviour we make you feel that you are some kind of parasite
that cannot survive without being attached and reliant on us, the host.
The reality is entirely different. We are unable to survive without you because
we need your fuel. We need you and this comment is designed to ensure that you
stay within our grasp and do not go anywhere else.

 34. You made me stray.

A classic piece of blame-shifting which we use to rationalise and justify why
we have been unfaithful. Predicated on the victim mentality which we like to
show the world from time to time, we use this when our infidelity has been
uncovered. We are not sorry for what we have done. We feel no guilt or
remorse. In some cases, we might offer up a false apology in order to receive
your forgiveness and drink of that fuel before going out and committing the
infidelity again. On this occasion we do not wish to say sorry. We do not
wish to force out those false tears of insincere remorse. We are offended by
your discovery of our extra-marital activities. Indeed, your exposure of our
behaviour amounts to a criticism because you are telling us that we were not
as clever as we thought we were in covering our tracks and someone as stupid
and dim-witted as you, has actually been able to work something out. This
offends us and this perceived criticism on our part results in us being
wounded. Accordingly, our fury is ignited by this criticism and we lash out at
you by suggesting that it is your fault. We will use this as an opportunity to
deflect from our erroneous behaviour with a string of choice phrases such as:
-

“If you hadn’t got so fat, maybe I would have wanted you instead.”
“You never give me any affection these days.”
“You always say you are too tired for sex.”
“You never make an effort for me, is it any wonder I went elsewhere.”
“Why would I want to go to bed with someone like you?”
The transference of blame and the savage comments which associate this
comment is designed to make you react. You provide fuel and then become
embroiled in defending why you are bigger, why you are tired, possibly even
pointing out that you are actually neither, but we are not going to let the truth
get in the way of an opportunity to deflect from our behaviour and draw some
juicy fuel from you instead.

35. I was just thinking about all the good times we had
together.
This is a standard retort to the dreaded question,
“What are you thinking about?”
The mid-range and greater of our kind spend time considering what our next
moves shall be. The lesser of our kind operate in a knee-jerk fashion, but the
other two schools of narcissist operate in a calculated fashion, especially the
greater. You may think that we are just staring into empty space, gazing out
of the window and admiring the view but we are scheming, plotting and
calculating. Do not think of course that we will allow you to be privy to our
machinations that form in our dark minds. You are not allowed to know this.
Instead should you ask what we are thinking we rarely say “nothing” because
that makes us sound like a simpleton and vacuous and we are far better than
that.
No, we will flatter to deceive by telling you that we are thinking about our
good times together. What this actually means is dependent on the time we
say it. If it is said during the seduction it is intended to make you feel wanted
and special so that you will respond in a similar manner, demonstrating that
you are thrilled and pleased that we are thinking about such things so you
provide us with positive fuel. If it is said during devaluation it is intended as a
criticism. We are suggesting that there are now no longer any good times
together because you do not do what is expected of you. You have caused the
good times to end and we want to remind you of that fact. It is reminding you
that there was a golden period and you ought to be doing something to try to
get back to that position by admiring us, adoring us and going the extra mile.
It is set as a trap to lure you into doing what we want by suggesting that the
golden period can be achieved again, although if this happens, it will only be
for a short period of time until the devaluation begins again. This comment,
when said during devaluation, is aimed at making you feel ashamed that you
have let us down, it is designed to make you react and to make it seem that
we are actually sad that the good times we once had do not happen anymore.
We are not sad at all. We do not do sad. It is just another ruse to make you do
what we want and to distract you from the plotting that is going on.

36. Why can’t you be more like….
A classic piece of triangulation. It might be said in a pleasant way under the
auspices of encouraging some self-improvement on your part.
“Why can’t you be more like your friend Janice; she always seems happy.”
“Why can’t you be more like Rose, she looks after herself and is healthy.”
It is another manifestation of our impossible standards that you cannot be
achieved. If you were more like Janice we would accuse you of being too
happy and doing it on purpose to make us feel miserable. You cannot win.
We may want you to dress like someone more glamorous but then we will
accuse you of being a slut. We may suggest that you be more like someone
who does a lot of exercise and then we will accuse you of being vain and
obsessed with your body, giving it more attention than us.
Whatever you do it will not be right but the triangulation we engage
in by saying this comment is designed to: -
a. Make you react by defending yourself and giving us fuel;
b. Causing you to be suspicious and anxious about why we are so
fixated with having you be like this other person;
c. Controlling you be making you do the thing we want, although we
will only move the goalposts later on.
This comment is said to you as a method of triangulation. There is no good
will behind it. Triangulation is a favoured method of manipulation and we
will triangulate with people and with objects. We will create triangles within
triangles in order to confuse and to bewilder.

37. I miss you so much.
What we really mean is that we miss: -
a. Your fuel;
b. You running around after us;
c. Your resources which we took for our own use.
When this is said during seduction it may arise as a consequence of a forced
period of separation. We do not like that. It may be that we have begun the
seduction and in the early stages you go on an already booked holiday or we
have a business trip we cannot move. We keep in touch with you through
technology but we would much rather be with you, physically proximate and
therefore in a better position to speed the seduction towards the conclusion
we want and to ensure we are keeping any prospective competitors at bay.
When this is said during devaluation we are telling you that we miss the
person who always did what we wanted and gave us the positive fuel at the
level and potency that we desired. You may well be stood next to us but we
will still make this comment because we know that it will confuse you.
Talking about missing you taps in to your devotion to love. You are delighted
with the fact we are missing you and it makes you feel special. Alternatively,
you do not understand what we mean (when said during devaluation) but it
still seems to be a wonderful thing that we are saying and during devaluation
certainly a contrast to the horrible treatment we are subjecting you to.
We don’t miss you. We do not actually think in terms of there being a you.
You are out extension, our appliance and what we miss is that appliance with
the fuel it gave. The concept of you as a person with your own likes, interests,
views, opinions, fears and personality is of no interest to us. We have no need
to be involved in that part of you because everything should be about us
instead. We want your fuel; we do not want you. It is your nursemaid, cook,
bottle washer, cleaner, tailor, shopper and general dogsbody qualities that we
miss. We want those and your fuel.

38. I did not mean to hurt you.
What this apparently remorseful comment means is as follows,
“I mean to hurt you but I am not going to accept any responsibility for it
because I am not accountable to anyone, least of all you, for what I do.”
It is well-known that our kind does not do responsibility. We are not to be held
to account. We are never culpable. Nothing is ever our fault. We are free to act
as we please, doing what we want without concern for repercussion or
consequence. Responsibility does not figure in our considerations. There is a
considerable deficit on our side of the equation when it comes to shouldering
responsibility. Nature abhors a vacuum however and therefore since we create
such an absence of responsibility, this raises the question who is going to step in
and accept responsibility? Who is going to take on more than their fair share of
accountability? Who is going to plug the culpability gap? The answer, of course,
is you and this is a significant reason why you remain chained to us and
naturally, we know this to be the case. This is one of the reasons why we choose
people like you.

As an empathic individual you have many traits which appeal to us. One of these
traits is having a strong moral compass so that you "do the right thing" and you
accept responsibility for your actions. That is attractive to us in itself. However,
you go further than this. You are blessed or cursed, dependent on how you
regard it, with the fact that you are over-responsible. Not only will you rightly
accept blame when it is genuinely your fault but you will accept responsibility
for us as well. This is extremely appealing. How does this over-responsibility
come about?

On the one hand it is something which is intrinsic to you as a consequence of

being an empathic person. You feel a deep responsibility for others and you do
so because you wish to help. You do not believe that it is right to shirk
responsibility or walk away when someone is in need. You widen your scope of
responsibility by adopting the stance that as a decent human being you have a
responsibility to aid others, assist them and help them. Added to that is the fact
that we cause you to be responsible for us. We deny responsibility so you
immediately feel a need to plug that gap - I return below to why you feel that
need. Moreover, we make it your responsibility through our repeated projection
and blame-shifting.

"It is always your fault."

"You made me get angry, it is your fault."

"Now look what you have made me do."

"You should have known that was going to annoy me."

This frequent projection and blame-shifting conditions you to accept

responsibility for what we have done or not done. The more aware of our kind
know that by reinforcing this double edged message - we are not responsible/ it
is your fault - you will accept this to be the case. You are prone to repeated self-
analysis and in order to find solutions, keep the peace and avoid those eggshells
you will accept responsibility for us. An objective observer would find a certain
action to be clearly our fault but you will take on the mantle of responsibility on
our behalf.

"It's my fault, I should have known."

"He is tired, that is why he shouts at me, I should have let him rest."

"I should have remembered that he doesn't like fish."

 "It's okay, I am used to it, I don't mind because he can be wonderful to me you
know."

"It is just the way he is, I pick up the pieces, that is what I am here for."

The repeated reinforcement that you are to blame coupled with your natural
propensity for wanting to accept responsibility means that we know we can
easily have you burdened with accountability and you will invariably accept it.
This then paves the way for us to inflict other manipulations against you based
on your acceptance of fault and guilt. You accept you are at fault so then we are
entirely justified in shouting at you, cold-shouldering you, stopping you going
out or having an affair. Having you as the one to blame suits our purposes to
maintain our perceived superiority and provides us with justification for
punishing you so that we receive further negative fuel.

This over-responsibility will extend into making excuses on our behalf when we
have stormed out of a family occasion. It is our secretary ringing a client and
apologising for us when we have been rude to somebody. It is a sibling who tries
to play down our outrageous behaviour and finding something to explain it
without pinning the blame where it ought to be pinned; on us. You accept that
you are to blame and you become our spokesperson when dealing with other
people as you are left to defend the indefensible. Not that you will get any thanks
for any of this of course.

Why then do you feel such a need to be over-responsible for us? Where does this
trait stem from? I have seen it within my own family with my sister. From an
early age you have been subjected to such blaming behaviour when it was never
actually your fault. This causes you to believe that there must be something
wrong with you and that you are not good enough. In order to deal with this
sense of inadequacy that was instilled in you most likely in your childhood you
seek to over-compensate and decide that you will become good enough by being
the receptacle for all blame, irrespective of real culpability. You have been
convinced that you deserve this abuse, this blame and it is your duty to shoulder
responsibility for what we do and what we do not do, in order to become
worthwhile. It is easier to accept blame than fight against it because this is
fulfilling the role that has been created for you. Always being to blame has
caused you think that you deserve it and in order to do something about that state
of affairs, you address it by accepting even more blame in order to reach an
accord with what you regard your role to be.

We know that you need to feel responsible. It is a central plank of the empath's
constitution and we will exploit this by always blaming you, passing
responsibility onto you and walking away from accountability. We will not laud
you for such a selfless act of accepting responsibility but rather seize the
opportunity to use it to justify our further foul treatment of you. You are at fault.
You therefore deserve to be punished. You accept this and the repeated
application of this only serves to reinforce and extend your sense of being
responsible for us.

It is akin to being given six of the best with a cane at school for something you
did not do and then asking,

"Please sir, can I have some more?"



39. Just come back and everything will be all right.
This comment will be used as part of a benign hoover, designed to cause you
to come back under our spell means,
“I will behave for a short period of time to make it look like everything is all
right but it will not last, but I don’t care about that so long as you come back,
because you should do.”
We know that you have walked away from us or perhaps after having been
discarded you have decided to stay away from us. We do not want that. We
want to drink some delicious hoover fuel. We need to get you back and we
know that as an empathic individual you are a sucker for: -
a. Remorse;
b. Apologies;
c. The chance to fix things;
d. A sinner come to repent.
Accordingly, this comment which is a complete lie is designed to make you
think we know that we have done wrong and that if you come back we will
improve in our behaviours and change.
We know you cannot resist the opportunity to see that this is the case and
with the mimicry that enables us to show that we are sorry, guilty and
remorseful, we will draw on our memory of those copied emotions in order to
convince you that coming back to us will be the right thing to do.
This image of having realised the error of our ways, when combined with the
allure of a reinstated golden period will prove extremely difficult for you to
resist. We know this and thus this comment will be used as an olive branch
and an incentive to get you back where we want you. In our grip and under
our control once again.

40. I didn’t mean it.

This is akin to the comment about not meaning to hurt you. What we are
actually saying to you is,
“Of course I meant it. Every word. I meant it because being nasty and
horrible is what I have to do to get control and draw negative fuel, but now I
realise that you are trying to escape me. I don’t want that to happen. You will
cut off my fuel and you will damage my status. That cannot happen.
Accordingly, I will retreat from what I did in the typical fashion by claiming
that I am not accountable for the bad feeling that has arisen from what I have
said or done.”
This is us shirking responsibility again. This comment is trotted regularly in
order to explain away something bad that we have done once we realise that
it might actually cause us a problem. You cannot link us to this because we
did not mean what has happened to happen. It is complete nonsense.
Everything we do is done for a reason. Amongst the lesser of our kind they
will not realise this, they just react and respond but there is a reason behind it.
We do not speak without calculating the damage that can be caused from our
words first. We do not act without the action serving our purposes in some
way, whether it is gaining fuel, controlling you or gaining some residual
benefit.
When we tell you that we didn’t mean it, what we mean is,
“I meant it but I didn’t want you to be able to use my words or actions against
me because I am never to be held to account.”

41. I will change.
No I won’t.
The lesser narcissist sees no reason to change because there is nothing wrong
with him.
The mid-range narcissist sees no reason to change because although he
understands that much of what he does hurts people and causes chaos he
knows no other way to achieve what he wants and therefore is beholden to
these modus operandi forever.
The greater narcissist sees no reason to change because he suspects change
can never be effected because to change would be to destroy what he is and
what he wants the world to regard him as. The greater narcissist also sees no
reason to change because he enjoys the power that he wields, the effect of his
machinations and his likeness to a god as he moves people around like so
many pieces on a chessboard.
Lesser narcissists will rarely make this statement. The mid-range and greater
will do so because we know that you want us to change, to heal, to be fixed
and to improve. You want us to see the error of our ways. Not because it
means you are right but because you believe that there is something good
within us and you want to salvage that, nurture and let it grow. By confirming
that we just might believe the same as well and therefore we will change, we
latch onto one of your core beliefs.
This statement is often thrown at you when we fear losing you. It usually
forms part of a preventative hoover designed to stop you from leaving us in a
situation whereby other fuel sources may be low and/or the new primary
source of fuel has not been sourced or embedded. This generates a situation
of grave concern, almost panic on our part and the desperation for fuel
manifests by coming out with such a game-changing comment such as this.
It is a lie.
We do not believe we need to change. Why should we alter what is a highly
effective way of operating just because you want us to?
We do not want to change.
We just say it to get our way.

42. I know I have a problem.
This comment is uttered in the similar vein to the one above. It is a desperate
comment which is hurled at you to prevent you from departing and cutting of
our source of fuel.
It is not often heard being said by a lesser narcissist because his lack of
awareness means he does not see a problem least of all think that he has one.
He may link it to some other manifestation – excessive drinking, physical
violence, drug taking, womanising, gambling and so forth – but he will not
know the underlying cause. He may admit that certain behaviour is a problem
but then do nothing about it.
The mid-range narcissist will realise that certain manifestations of his
behaviour are problematic in terms of how they affect people but he is not
able to identify the source. His declaration that he knows he has a problem is
actually an honest admission and one which might lead him to at least be
guided towards some kind of therapy although he will not accept any of the
conclusions that might be reached about him and/or avoid detection through
playing the assessor in a certain way.
The greater narcissist knows that he or she has a problem but is not to
prepared to address it. He or she will not know the exact cause of this
problem but will have a greater awareness than most as to possible causes
and manifestations. He or she will wear this problem though as a badge of
honour. It is only a problem viewed through your world view, not ours.
Indeed, this supposed problem is a way of operating and doing so effectively
and you only call it a problem because you are weak and unable to deal with
it. The greater narcissist also knows the value of making such an “admission”
before you in terms of making him or her seem like some troubled soul that
needs the soothing ministrations of the caring and compassionate empath, so
that you do not walk away from us but instead stay and administer the
healing and fixing that you believe is your role in respect of somebody like
us.

43. If you listened to me, this wouldn’t happen.

You are an idiot a fool and incompetent. I am not. I know everything. I do not
make mistakes and I was set on this earth to lead and to be a pioneer. I forge
forward and get things done. You do not listen to me enough and this is why I
hate you. If you listened to me, you would be assured of my brilliance and
you would also give me the fuel that I deserve. You would ensure that there
were no problems (until such time as I determine there are in order to
continue my manipulation of you) if you listened to what I told you.
Once again this is also a method of ensuring that there is no accountability on
our part. We may have just unleashed our fury against you, a medley of
insults and barbed comments amidst the flailing fists. We know that such
behaviour is wrong, necessary but wrong. This means we must seek to retreat
from any position of accountability and therefore we have to shift the blame
on to you.
In the same vein as “you made me do it”, your failure to listen to me and by
implication do as we want and submit to our control, has been regarded as a
criticism by us. This ignites our fury. We lash out and you suffer the brunt of
it. We divest ourselves of responsibility but also at the same time lay down a
marker for the future by telling you that if you listen in the future (i.e. do
what we want) then this horrible treatment that you have just endured will not
need to happen again will it?
Of course you may avoid it happening again but we will shift the goalposts
and alter the battlefield so that you have no hope but to cause a criticism and
then the fury is ignited again. You will once more be reprimanded for not
listening.


44. I need a break from all of this, just for a short while.
What you are being told here is as follows: -
“Your fuel is not giving me what I want. I need to change that. By saying this
I will upset you because you think that we are breaking up. I will give you
some hope however that it is only for a short while so that you do not go
elsewhere. Instead, I want you upset by this cessation in the relationship but I
want you to give me fuel still through your anxiety and worry. I want you
checking in with me still in order to persuade me to come back sooner. I also
want this short break because there are a couple of other prospects that I
would like to check out and my capacity for doing so will be hampered if you
are very much on the scene. I don’t want you getting wind that I putting in
place potential replacements, I don’t want those replacements thinking that I
am with you and being reluctant to being seduced. By referring to “all this” I
am suggesting that it is your fault, not mine. I am under some kind of siege
from you and your bad behaviour and I need to have a period of respite from
it. You ought to grant it me because I am making you feel guilty by
suggesting it is your fault.”
When the suggestion of a short break is countenanced this is a manifestation
of our double-standards. You are expected to wait, your life put on hold and
provide us with fuel. We can do as we please without accountability (well it
isn’t like we are together is it?).
 45. Why do you make do this to you?
Another declaration from the stable of avoiding responsibility. This is often
said by the lesser of our kind after an unbridled and uncontrolled against you.
You have ignited the fury and the resultant assault, often physical, has left the
lesser narcissist infused with fuel but knowing there may well be
repercussions. The shame at such behaviour rises within and this causes a
need to blame shift and move the shame from him to you. He does not
understand what this shame is because of his lower functioning nature, only
that he cannot be held to account for what happened. His loss of control must
be as a result of what you have done and by making this statement he is
divesting himself of accountability in order to rationalise what he has done.
Should a greater narcissist say this to you, he is less likely to engage in a
physical assault because it is less sophisticated and thus beneath him. It also
creates an evidential difficulty which the greater narcissist, charmer that he is,
could do without in terms of scrutiny and therefore he will not go down this
route often if at all. I know I do not. The greater narcissist will utter this
comment after some form of awful manipulation and knowing full well that
he does not care and whilst he is to blame because he did it, the reality is that
it was caused by this horrible, weak specimen that he has been chained to.
The expression of this statement is done to continue the pain and humiliation
of the sobbing victim by causing them to explain why they have brought this
terrible treatment on themselves. They have to explain what it is they have
done so that their sense of shame and punishment continues.

46. I will never let you go.
If this is said during the seduction period, you will think it romantic and
endearing. You will respond accordingly and provide fuel.
If this is said during the devaluation period it is to frighten you into believing
that this terrible treatment is going to keep on going and there is no escape for
you. You will react accordingly and provide fuel.
This is a true statement.
Once we begin our seduction of you we regard you as belonging to us. You
have signed an unwritten contract whereby you will fuel us until you draw
your last breath. We are entitled to do as we please to you, you are always
linked to us even if you leave and find someone else and because of this we
have an unfettered right to keep returning to you time and time again, even if
we discard you and/or you escape us.
We create a link between you and I which will last until either one of us dies.
It may sound romantic; it may sound foreboding but what it is is the
manifestation of our clear belief that you are our property. You are our
appliance that we can use and abuse however we so choose and you have no
right of complaint or appeal against this state of affairs.

47. I will win you back.

You have decided that you have enough and you have walked away from us.
You may not however have made yourself completely uncontactable and
therefore we are able to deliver the above message to you in some form.
When we make this declaration what we are saying to you is as follows: -
“I am a noble knight, a champion and for whatever reason you have made a
poor decision. I know you love me. I know you adore me and I know there is
nothing more you want than for you and I to be together, but I understand. I
understand you have moments of weakness where you are susceptible to
listening to the words and lies of others and this is what has happened here. I
blame you and I do not. I understand it is difficult for you because after all
you are a lesser person than I and such is my generosity of thought and
tolerance, I realise that you will have your head turned from time to time by
somebody else. I have prepared for that eventuality and I knew that it may
happen. I have been nothing other than dedicated and loving. I know there
have been some testing times but as I have told you, those have been caused
by outside interference in our world. I am pledging to you now that I will win
you back. I shall win you hand through the application of my chivalrous ways
as the white knight that I a. My armour shines and is resplendent. My lance is
long and true. I will not be swerved from my task and with my sword of true
I shall cut down these dragons that have poisoned your mind and turned you,
albeit momentarily against me. They will be slain and I shall rescue you from
their grip and you shall be most grateful for me doing so as this is what you
want. You have been conditioned to regard yourself as the damsel in distress
and I am prince charming come to rescue you. This is what you really think
and I shall play up to those conditioned ideals by making the romantic and
noble declaration that I shall win you back.”

48. I don’t want to talk about it.

When we make this statement to you, this is what we mean.
“You have me bang to rights and I cannot fathom out a way of deflecting you
at this moment in time. I hate feeling like this and I hate you for making me
feel like this. Why do you have to do this? I do so much for you and this is
the way you treat me. I am backed into a corner, my bridges are burnt and I
have run out of get out of jail cards. I will not however every accept I wrong,
at least not with sincerity or conviction. I might say it as part of a ruse to get
what I want, but that is another thing. I do not want to talk about it because if
we do you will just keep landing further accurate blows against me and this
will weaken me so I am just going to put a halt to it right now by drawing a
line in the sand, laying down a marker and saying enough is enough. If you
now proceed when I have made it patently clear that this conversation is at an
end you are trying to cause trouble, you are seeking to usurp my authority
and this gives me the go-ahead to attack you. In fact, please do so because
then that will quickly move us away from this awful situation where I am
backed into a corner with very few options. This comment is one of last
resort and is done to make you try and cross the line and push home the
advantage which you have secured, but if you do it will allow me to unleash a
maelstrom against you and seize the moral high ground once again, so go on,
keep going and see where it takes you.”

49. I cannot do this anymore.

Of course I can. I can keep doing this forever because as I have mentioned
above this is forever. Yes, there will be times where I will disappear. Yes,
there will be occasions where I am good to you again, then bad and then
good. The purpose of saying this is purely to upset you. I have no intention at
all at leaving you. Why would I when you give me so much wonderful
negative fuel through this period of devaluation? I am going nowhere but it
does not harm to suggest to you that I might. It keeps you on your toes and
ensures that I am able to exert control over you. I keep you guessing, anxious
and confused and I also ensure that your fuel keeps flowing.
I also say this to make it sound like what we have is arduous and horrible. It
is for you because I treat you badly but this is enjoyable. I get to do what I
want, I am never wrong and you have to bear the brunt of my shocking
behaviour towards you. It is a playground for me and I am not going to give
that up. Never. Still, I want you always one heartbeat away from thinking that
I am going to walk out on you, that you are not doing enough for me so you
will try harder, you will avoid the egg shells more effectively and you will
keep on trying and trying to please me. This is a great way of controlling you
by threatening you with the loss of me although it is never going to happen.
Accordingly, it you hear this, do not think that I am going to leave you. I am
not. I am just controlling you and seeking a reaction from you.

50. I am sorry.

No I am not.
I am never sorry.
I don’t know what sorry means.
I just say it because it sounds good and it stops you from leaving.
I just say it because it sounds good and makes you cry tears of relief.
I just say it because it sounds good and makes you do what I want.
Sorry? It’s not an apology.
It’s a weapon.
 Further required reading from H G Tudor

Evil
Narcissist: Seduction
Narcissist: Ensnared
Manipulated
Confessions of a Narcissist
More Confessions of a Narcissist
Further Confessions of a Narcissist
From the Mouth of a Narcissist
Escape: How to Beat the Narcissist
Danger: 50 Things You Should Not Do with a
Narcissist
Departure Imminent: Preparing for No Contact to
beat the Narcissist
Fuel
Chained: The Narcissist’s Co-Dependent
A Delinquent Mind
Fury
Beautiful and Barbaric
The Devil’s Toolkit
Sex and the Narcissist
Treasured and Tormented


 No Contact: How to Beat the Narcissist
Revenge: How to Beat the Narcissist
Adored and Abhorred
Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses
You
Black Hole: The Narcissistic Hoover
A Grimoire of Narcissism
Cherished and Chastised
Red Flag: 50 Warning Signs of Narcissistic Seduction
Ask the Narcissist: The Answers to Your Questions
Darlings and Demons
Black Flag: 50 Warning Signs of Abuse
Your Fault: Blame and the Narcissist
Elated and Eroded
Outnumber Not Outgunned

All available on Amazon
 Further interaction with H G Tudor


Knowing the Narcissist

@narcissist_me
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