PREMATURE BALDNESS

Dear Dr Proctor

I am a 23 year old man, active and in good health. Premature baldness is my

only concern. My hair is already thinning and receding. Is there any way I can
escape becoming a ‘slaphead’?

Dear Baldy

Our biological clocks tick on remorselessly. I often think it strange that we can
transplant hearts, lungs, livers, kidneys, and even faces, but cannot stop hair
falling out. There are plenty of treatments on offer, often in association with
shameless traitors to the medical profession who have been lured by the smell
of money from the noble art of healing. These treatments are always
expensive, and promise more than they deliver. A genuine cure for baldness
would be a breakthrough. In the meanwhile, never forget that interfering with
natural processes can cause more harm than good.

Hair transplant procedures may trigger epilepsy. Transplants may work for a
while, but often lead to an escalating series of cosmetic treatments. Never
forget that any anaesthetic may cause a permanent dulling of mental alertness
and capacity. Pills and potions that have passed toxicity tests on rats or pigs
may have unforeseen long term consequences on people. No active
medications are entirely free from adverse side-effects. Almost anything can
be fatally allergic to a few hypersensitive unfortunates.

I suggest that you restrict yourself to an old-fashioned treatment that works

moderately well for some. Soak a handkerchief in brown vinegar and wear it
on your head, under a shower cap, while you sleep. Do this for a year, and
some improvement is probable. However, the treatment must be applied every
day. Any omission will take you back to square one or worse.

Finally, hair loss can be a symptom of something serious. You could be

developing ‘scalp starvation’, in which the head is inadequately nourished by
the blood. This, in turn, may be associated with a progressively reducing
supply of oxygen to the brain. If so, your memory will deteriorate rapidly and
your behaviour will become eccentric. In your mid 30s you will have to be
institutionalised in a secure ward to minimise the risks to yourself and others.
After a few years of further decline, you, in common with all victims of this
unfortunate condition, become utterly demented and die.