VISCOSITY AND VOLUME

Dear Dr Proctor

I am a single man in my late 40s with a strong libido but no wife or regular
bedmate. ‘Mrs Palm and her five daughters’ - I’m sure you get my drift - often
substitute for a more fulfilling experience. Recently I’ve noticed a significant
reduction in the volume of my ‘sausage sauce’ and an increase in its viscosity.
Should I be worried?

Dear Onanist

You certainly should be worried about your coy euphemisms. Perhaps if you
spoke more sensibly you would have greater success with the opposite sex,
less need to masturbate and hence fewer opportunities to inspect your
ejaculate.

There are many factors that affect the amount, colour, consistency, smell and
taste of semen. Variations are, in most cases, normal. For people with more
sensible sex lives than you, that is to say for men who discharge their
ejaculate where nature intended, changes are unlikely to be noticed.

However, at your age it would be foolish to rule out more sinister causes. You
might have problems with your testicles, prostate or any of the pipework
making up the male reproductive tract. Failure to diagnose and treat
malfunction, degeneration and malignancy in these parts could have drastic
repercussions. Do nothing now and you may need a total amputation of your
penis within the next few years.

When you see a specialist, hopefully in time to prevent impotence and worse,
please use proper anatomical terms instead of referring to ‘Mr Todger’, ‘baby
gravy’ and the like.