Polar Opposites

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/23129164.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: Other
Fandom: Good Omens (TV)
Relationship: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Additional Tags: POV Outsider, Alternate Universe - Animals, Aziraphale and crowley
are zoo animals, and gabe and bee are zoo interns, This is basically a
disney movie, bearziraphale, pengley, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good
Omens), Alternate Universe - Teenagers, only outsider pov if we are
talking azcrow, Humor, Fluff, omg they were zoomates
Language: English
Collections: Polar Opposites
Stats: Published: 2020-03-13 Completed: 2020-05-25 Chapters: 10/10 Words:
7958

Polar Opposites
by summerofspock

Summary

Gabe and Bee are hapless zoo interns just trying to wrangle Aziraphale and Crowley, a
polar bear and penguin who won't stop breaking into each others enclosures.

Notes

Full credit to the romcom discord for generating this wild idea
It started out as azcrow but im weak for gabebeez so here we are

Also! This is a direct spinoff of noodlefrogs wonderful beginning but will focus a bit more
on gabebeez
So give theirs a read if you want a bit more background

Inspired by [ficlet] Polar Opposites by noodlefrog

 Chapter 1

"We gotta...I dunno. Separate them or something," Bee said, peering into the polar bear enclosure
and frowning one of their impossibly deep frowns.

Gabe had yet to work out exactly how face muscles could contort that way and was mildly
impressed every time Bee managed it.

Gabe looked down into the enclosure and sighed. This was definitely above his pay grade. So far
above his pay grade it wasn't even in the same fucking department. But what was he supposed to
do? If he went and tattled to the director, he and Bee would have to fill out incident reports and
then maybe Aziraphale would get quarantined and as much as the stupid bear made Gabe's life
hell, he was his responsibility in the end.

"Look, I'm not getting my arm chomped off because I'm trying to separate a stupid penguin from
an even stupider bear."

There was an indignant squawk from inside the enclosure and they both turned to look, ready for
any horrors that might greet their eyes. Namely a penguin being ripped in half by a bear.

Instead, they saw Crowley waddling up to the rock formation that led up to the viewing platform
where they were currently squatting. He was squawking like crazy, slapping his little flippers
against the rocks like he was trying to climb them. But this wasn't the penguin enclosure and those
rocks were more for decoration than penguin recreation.

Aziraphale appeared, breaching the water of his pond with a loud splash. The splat splat splat of his
wet feet echoed as he ambled over to the still indignantly squawking Crowley.

It was over. Gabe was certain it was over. Say goodbye to his internship, his college
recommendation letter. And say goodbye to Crowley.

Except. Aziraphale stopped behind Crowley where he was still slapping away at the rocks and then
ducked his head, nudging Crowley with his snout.

Crowley emitted one loud squawk and then fell silent, turning on his little feet and clambering onto
one of Aziraphale's wet paws.

Was he cooing? Did penguins coo?

"Holy shit," Bee breathed beside him. "They weren't joking about the whole imprinting thing."

Gabe had seen the video. He knew for a fact they weren't joking.

He pushed a hand into his hair and swore. "What the fuck do we do? Zoo opens in" - he checked
his watch - "fifteen minutes. We can't just - shit we've got to-"

Bees hand came to rest on his forearm. He stared down at it. It was so small. Pale and slim
fingered. But that was just Bee, small pale slim.

He swallowed and met their eyes.

"I'll get the fish. You get the net. We've got a penguin to wrangle."

Gabe nodded and rose to his full height. He'd had a growth spurt during freshman year, way back
before his family moved to England and that had firmly cemented him as one of the tall ones. He
used to play basketball but now he preferred track and field. And if he was honest, zoo keeping.
Though height really wasnt an advantage against a fucking polar bear.

Bee on the other hand was barely five feet. Which maybe did come in handy with the penguins.
Bee was more on their level. Barely had to squat if they wanted to look a penguin in the eye.

Bee was already a few steps away when Gabe realized there was a better way.

"Wait."

Bee froze and turned back expectantly. That impossible frown.

"Go to the cafeteria. If you want to distract Aziraphale you should get three snack packs."

"Snack packs…" Bee repeated dubiously.

"Pudding," Gabe explained and Bee raised their eyebrows. "Mousse. Custard. Whatever. I don't
have time to debate British and American English. Go get the fucking pudding. If you throw an
open one into the enclosure, Aziraphale goes nuts trying to lick it clean."

Gabe had learned this the hard way when he accidentally still had pudding on his fingers after
lunch one day. He thought Aziraphale was going to bite his fingers clean off. But it turned out all
he wanted was to lick the smear of butterscotch pudding off of Gabe's hand.

To be totally honest. Gabe almost pissed himself in fear. Thank god Bee hadn't been hired yet.
They would have never let him live it down.

Bee nodded and scampered off.

Gabe looked back down into the enclosure where Crowley had somehow managed to climb onto
Aziraphale's back. He was steadily grooming the fur at the base of his neck as Aziraphale laid
down, eyes closed, at peace with the world.

Peace.

Wouldn't that be nice.

 Chapter 2

The pudding cup had worked.

Bee had yeeted it - their words. They’d screamed, "I’m gonna yeet it" before throwing it against
the far wall of the enclosure. Aziraphale had loped after it, intently beginning to lick up the small
chocolate explosion as Gabe slammed the net down around Crowley and tightening the mouth so
he couldn’t escape.

Gabe turned tail and ran out of the enclosure before Aziraphale even noticed and when he did, the
plaintive cry that echoed beyond the door tugged at Gabe’s underused heartstrings. Pathetic. He
was definitely not feeling sorry for a polar bear and a penguin.

Bee dropped in through the hatch above the enclosure’s back office that led to the viewing
platform.

"Got him?" they asked, for some reason breathless.

Gabriel nodded and went to grab the net, shrieking when Crowley scratched at him, making two
long gouges across the back of his wrist.

"You stupid bitch," Gabe snapped, yanking his hand back.

Crowley made an angry clacking noise and flopped around in the net.

Bee was by his side immediately, taking the pole away from him and frowning. “Don’t grab him,
you idiot.”

Gabe opened his mouth to retort when a slam echoed through the room followed by a roar.

"Is Aziraphale attacking the door?" Bee asked incredulously. They were wisely holding Crowley at
arm’s length while the penguin scrabbled at the net, trying to bite at the ropes that held him.

Gabe sighed, snatching a few tissues from the desk and pressing them to the back of his hand.
"Yeah. He does that sometimes."

"Jesus," Bee said, letting out a long breath.

The reason Crowley and Aziraphale were such troublemakers was because the penguin and polar
bear enclosures were neighbors. They shared a plexiglass wall. They riled each other up constantly.
Crowley swimming under the water on his side of the glass and getting Aziraphale to throw his ball
at him. All sorts of nonsense.

How Crowley had managed to get into Aziraphale’s enclosure, they still had no idea. That was a
problem for later.

Right now they had a disgruntled penguin they needed to rehouse.

"Let me put him back," Bee said, tiny arms straining under the onslaught of Crowley’s rather
effusive flapping and wriggling. "I can handle the penguins better."

Gabe nodded. He didn't exactly want to deal with crowley. Fucking scratching, biting terror that he
was.
Bee went down the corridor connecting the offices behind the two enclosures and left Gabe to
nurse his now throbbing hand. He sighed and crawled up the ladder to the viewing platform,
pushing open the hatch and taking up position to watch Aziraphale and make sure the bear didn’t
do something stupid.

This wasn't the first time Gabe had used the snack pack trick. Aziraphale never ate the containers
but there was a first time for everything. Gabe didn't exactly want to have to explain why the zoo’s
only polar bear had plastic in his gut.

Gabe watched as Aziraphale gave up on the office door and started to pace, making forlorn
snuffling noises. Finally, he seemed to give up and trundled over to the fallen snack pack, nudging
it with his snout until he could pick it up with his massive paws. He licked out the contents
dejectedly, pudding cup pressed against his nose and when it was finally clean he dropped it and
flopped onto his belly. He put his head on his paws and huffed.

"Didn't know bears could pout."

Gabe jumped as Bee dropped down next to him, metal first aid kit in their lap.

Gabe scowled. "Aziraphale can do a lot of things. Except be trained apparently."

Bee humphed and clicked open the first aid kid.

"They wanted me to teach him how to do tricks and I tried. I did. But all he'd do was look at me.
Sometimes he'd lay down and close his eyes as I tossed fish at him. Absolute asshole."

Bee took his injured hand and pulled it into their lap. Their hands were so soft and delicate. He
looked down at their pale fingers, the strangely vulnerable nails. He'd expected them to be half-
chewed, jagged. Instead they were neatly trimmed, perfect cuticles, clean.

Bee poured some disinfectant on a cotton ball and said, "I’m glad im not expected to train up the
penguins. That would be hell."

"I'm pretty sure they don't have penguins in hell," Gabe pointed out, distracted by the way his
hands dwarfed Bee's. He glanced at their face but they were looking down, thick black eyelashes
shadowing their cheeks as they inspected his hand.

Bee was nothing nice to look at. Tiny, always in black jeans and the requisite blue polo that they
all had to wear. They had a shocking mess of black hair that they pulled back into the tiniest
ponytail with a red elastic that stood out like a sore thumb. Their tiny face was covered in a
smattering of acne, nose slightly hooked, mout thin.

But for some reason, Gabe couldn't stop looking at them.

Bee held the cotton ball up above the scratches. "You ready?"

Gabe gritted his teeth. "Do it."

It stung like a bitch but there was something soothing about having Bees cool hand grasping his
thumb as they carefully tended to him. They put antibiotic ointment on the scratches before laying
a bandaid over them, smoothing it down delicately.

"There. All good. Now no bitching," Bee said sharply, fixing them with their hard, black-eyed
gaze. "It's your fault this happened."
"My fault?" Gabe said, yanking his hand away. "Bullshit. The penguins are your responsibility and
Crowley got into Aziraphale’s enclosure not the other way around."

Bee crossed their arms over their chest and narrowed their eyes. "That’s not what I meant, you
fucking arse. Your hand. It’s your fault your hand is hurt. Jesus. Teach me to be nice to you."

"Telling me to not bitch isn't actually nice. You do know that, right?"

"Whatever."

A noise drew their attention and they turned back to the enclosure. Crowley had waddled up to the
plexiglass that separated the two enclosures and was slapping at it. Aziraphale’s head shot up and
he trundled over to him, rubbing his nose over the place where Crowley’s flipper was pressed
against the window.

Bee cocked their head. "It's sort of like Star Trek."

"What?" Gabe asked, flabbergasted.

"You know, I have been and always shall be...your...friend," they said in a choked voice as they
shook their hands dramatically in front of them.

Gabe stared at them blankly and they rolled their eyes before walking off.

"I thought all you Americans knew Star Trek, yeesh. Uncultured swine is what you are," they said
easily before dropping down the hatch.

Gabe had no idea what to say to that.

 Chapter 3

After Bee dropped through the hatch Gabe didn't see them for five days. More accurately, he only
saw them briefly in the back corridors and occasionally during penguin feeding time as they threw
fish into the enclosure.

Gabe didn't know why he cared whatsoever except that occasionally, when he was cleaning
Aziraphale’s enclosure after the zoo had closed for the day, he found himself lingering on the
memory of Bee’s hand on his.

Scraping up polar bear shit was clearly enough to make you go crazy.

A week passed since the pudding cup incident and there were no more Crowley related problems.
Bee had printed out a picture of Crowley screaming at the sky and put it up in the office under the
#1 Offender sign. It made Gabe chuckle every time he saw it. Mostly because he could picture Bee
having to climb up onto the desk in order to put it there.

Gabe was in the back office Friday evening, putting away the cleaning supplies in the cupboard
and getting ready to leave for the day when he heard distressed yelping coming from the penguin
enclosure. Yelping that didn’t exactly sound like penguins.

He half-jogged, half-ran to the door that opened behind the fake rock formation and slipped into
the enclosure. His heart was beating like crazy and when he peeked over the rocks he saw -

Bee waving an empty bucket at a handful of penguins who seemed unwilling to back down. The
horde was stepping on their tiny booted feet and pecking at their legs as they shook the bucket at
them. They’d started to back up onto the rock formation but it didn’t deter the penguins who
shambled after them like something out of a bad horror movie.

Gabe would be laughing if he didn’t feel so absurdly protective. He stomped into the enclosure and
clapped his hands. Most of the penguins squawked and ran off but one persistent fellow continued
to peck at Bee’s boot. They kicked it off with a frustrated grunt.

Bee stood up to their full height and brushed off their clothes, frowning deeper and deeper as the
seconds ticked by.

Gabe drew up beside them. On top of the rock formation, Bee was taller than he was. Gabe didn’t
like it. It was against the natural order or something.

Without thinking, he reached out and placed his hands on Bee’s waist to help them down. They
weighed almost nothing as he picked them up and set them back on their feet. They gaped at him
and he felt pretty certain he was about to get hit. But they just tugged on the hem of their polo as if
to straighten it and cracked their neck.

He might actually thank Bee if they did hit him. His whole body was thrumming from the heat that
lingered on his palms. Bee had been so tiny, so delicate. It was insane to think of them with any of
those words but he couldn’t stop.

“I didn’t need your help, alright,” Bee snapped, stomping past him.

Their tone irritated Gabe who, admittedly, had never been good at keeping his temper, and who
was starting to realize that he might be in a bit over his head with Bee.
“Right. And what were you going to do? Climb up the rocks all night? Sleep there?”

“The penguins would have gotten tired eventually,” Bee barked, marching towards the exit. They
froze and groaned dramatically.

“What?” Gabe demanded.

Bee glared at him and then pointed emphatically across the penguin enclosure.

Gabe followed the direction of Bee’s gesture and looked through the window into the polar bear
enclosure. He groaned. It was going to be a long night.

Though he had to admit Aziraphale playfully trying to knock Crowley into the water was pretty
cute.
 Chapter 4

Gabe stared out over the polar bear enclosure from the viewing platform and sighed. It was 7 PM,
well after he'd expected to leave for the night.

"Maybe we should just let them be together," Bee said from his elbow.

Crowley pushed a ball with his beak until it landed at Aziraphales feet. The bear knocked it back
and Crowley squawked with delight before starting the whole cycle over again. They were just
playing with each other.

"And have the Director find out? We'd get fired," Gabe said, even though the thought of going into
the enclosure to separate the two was starting to make him feel bad. They really were cute. Could a
penguin and a polar bear be in love? That’s what it certainly looked like.

"I mean, is that the worst thing?" Bee asked with a shrug that knocked their elbows together.

Bee didn't get it. Gabe didn't know why they were interning here this summer, but he was there for
his resume. He wanted to do this work for the rest of his life. If he fucked up now, that dream was
gone.

And when Gabe, reluctantly, said as much, Bee looked at him incredulously.

"You want to be a zookeeper? You? Mr. Movie Star wants to clean up animal shit for the rest of
his life?"

Gabriel wasn't sure what to say to that. Mr. Movie Star was...not a compliment. He didn't think.

There was a little squawk from in the enclosure and when they looked over Crowley was on
Aziraphale’s back again, the bear wandering around like he was giving Crowley a ride.

"What? You don't have career aspirations?"

Bee sighed. “I want to be a veterinarian.”

Surprised, Gabe turned to look at them fully. “Really? That’s not too far from zookeeper.”

“Excuse me, yes, it is,” Bee said, bristling. They put their shoulders back as if to rise up to their full
height. It didn’t do much. Not compared to Gabe’s six feet and then some. “Veterinarians are
doctors.”

Gabe liked this side of Bee. Pissy and defensive, spoiling for a fight. Though, now that he thought
about it, they were always spoiling for a fight.

“So, this internship is important to you too,” Gabe ventured.

“I didn’t say it wasn’t,” they snapped, still staring out over the enclosure. Whatever nonsense
Crowley and Aziraphale had been up to seemed to have settled, Aziraphale laying down with
Crowley resting by his side. “This just isn’t my problem.”

“How is it not your problem? That’s your penguin,” Gabe pointed out, gesturing emphatically at
the enclosure. He was going to separate the damn animals whether Bee would help him or not. So
what if Bee was sort of adorably cranky and biting in a way that Gabe thought was sort of fun? Bee
was being an asshole and that was that.
“Not my penguin,” Bee protested.

Gabe groaned. “This is so stupid. That fucking penguin needs to get it in his tiny pea brain that he
doesn’t belong in the fucking polar bear enclosure. Aziraphale is a predator. It’s - fuck, I’m too
tired for this.”

It was silent for a moment and then Bee said, "Come on, we've got a bear and penguin to
separate.”.

"I thought you said it wasn't your problem."

"It's not. It's our problem."

Gabe was hit by a wave of intense affection the likes of which he'd never experienced before.

Oh shit.

He liked Bee.

Not just, hey I think you're cool, it's nice working with you like.

It was hey would you wear my letterman jacket and hold my hand and go to prom with me like.

"Are you coming or not?" Bee asked, turning back and arching a brow.

Shit.
 Chapter 5

The pudding cups didn’t work this time. They tried. Bee lobbed one pudding cup after another into
the far corner of the polar bear enclosure but Aziraphale just laid there looking unimpressed. Or as
unimpressed as a polar bear could look with a penguin nestled on its neck.

Bee was swearing up a storm. Some really inventive stuff too. And Gabe’s dad had been in the
navy so he’d heard plenty of swear words in his life.

Bee was on an entirely different level.

“You stupid, cocksucking, jelly bean,” Bee snarled, hurling the bucket that had once held pudding
cups against the wall of the enclosure.

Crowley squeaked indignantly from the other side of the pond.

Gabe leaned back against the wall and sighed. It was late. Well past when he said he’d be home.
What was he supposed to do? Come back in the wee hours of the morning and try to tear apart a
penguin and polar bear who were obsessed with each other? It would be easier if they were birds or
something. Or if one of them didn’t have claws. And a preference for meat.

A small hand came to rest on his arm and he jumped. He immediately regretted it when Bee
snatched their hand back, tucking it under their arms as they crossed them over their small chest.
“We should go home. You and I can talk to the director in the morning. We don’t really have a
choice. Unless you want to get killed. Which...sure, go ahead,” Bee said with a lazy gesture in
Aziraphale’s direction.

Gabe stared down at them, tongue oddly thick. It was a bad day to be realizing he had feelings.
Were there good days for that?

“Maybe if we just...I don’t know.” Gabe scrubbed at his eyes. “Figure out how Crowley’s getting
in. Then we won’t be going to the director empty-handed.”

Bee cocked their head and wrinkled their nose. It was cute. Fuck it was so cute. “Fine. An hour of
recon and then I’m going home. That’s when the last bus runs.”

“I mean, I could always give you a ride,” Gabriel said with a shrug. Bee’s eyes bugged out their
head and Gabe bit his tongue. He was not a blusher but if he were, he was certain his face would be
bright red. “It’s just...I’ve got a car. If we run late.”

Bee’s look of surprise disappeared, firmly replaced by something cool and emotionless. “Sure,
yeah, fine.”

The both turned their attention back to Crowley and Aziraphale only to find that Crowley had
disappeared.

“Oh, shit,” Gabe breathed, sprinting across the enclosure, certain that a certain penguin just got
devoured by a certain polar bear.

But then there was a little splash and Crowley popped up in the pool on the other side of the
enclosure’s glass. He flopped out onto the ground on his belly before waddling over to the glass
and pecking it with his beak.
He took a deep breath as frustration threatened to overwhelm him. Why did he even give a fuck
about this stupid penguin?

Bee drew up beside him and hummed thoughtfully. “Isn’t there a grate that connects this pond with
the one in the penguin enclosure?”

“Ohmygod,” Gabe cried out, relief and excitement giving him the strangest urge to jump up and
down. And maybe grab Bee and yank them into a hug. “You’re right! That’s got to be it.”

Bee just stared at him as he had his little moment and then smirked, a tiny thing, one corner of their
mouth quirking.

“We are a maintenance request away from this never being a problem again,” Gabe said with a
long sigh.

They both watched as Aziraphale padded over to the enclosure window, letting out a low grumble
as he pawed the nearest pudding cup and settled in close to the glass.

Bee elbowed him.

“How about that ride home?”

 Chapter 6
Chapter Notes

a non-zoo interlude that is 'azcrow-light' if you will

please enjoy these dumb teenagers

Gabe drove Bee home even though it wasn’t that late and they could have taken the bus. They’d
demanded it with a scathing, “you offered, numbskull,” that Gabe found endearing against his
better judgment. They’d yanked a tiny leather jacket out of their locker and shrugged it around their
slim shoulders. Gabe had a stupid urge to hold it out for them, help them put it on.

They would have punched him if he tried.

When they got into his land rover, they scowled, hopping up into the front seat with a huff that was
very cute and which Gabriel tried not to smile too hard about. They looked so small in the seat and
he couldn’t stop himself.

“Sorry, no booster seat,” he said wryly. They’d been dicks to each other since they met and Gabe’s
little crush shouldn’t stop that. Hell, it was a big part of why they liked Bee. And sure enough, at
his jibe shot him a venomous look and ground their teeth.

“Are you giving me a ride home or are you looking for a punch in the mouth?” Bee snapped to
which Gabe immediately thought - but didn’t say - only if you punch me in the mouth with your
mouth.

Well, with thoughts like that on the tip of his tongue, this was going to go great.

He resolved to not be an asshole or a creep for the rest of the drive which was eased a bit by Bee’s
habit of fiddling with the radio.

It buzzed from station to station, switching from Justin TImberlake to CCR and back again.
Eventually, Gabe couldn’t stand it and slapped their hand away. “Jesus. Leave it.”

Bee huffed and fell back against the seat. “Take a right here.”

Gabe followed their instructions down a couple lanes and finally pulled up in front of a house that
did not suit Bee at all. White all over, cobbled walk, porchlight on and glowing over the street.

“Thanks for the ride,” Bee said absently, undoing their seatbelt. Reflexively, Gabe put out his
hand, stopping theirs where it was clutched around the undone buckle. He didn’t want them to go.
It had been a long day and - even with their shitty habits and snarky words - being with Bee made
him relax for the first time in hours.

They stared at each other.

The radio buzzed its low buzz and Gabe realized he’d stopped Bee’s fiddling between channels.
The buzz seemed to crawl out of the radio and fill the air, running up his skin and pushing him
forward. He was leaning across the console, leaning into Bee’s space as they stared up at him with
wide, dark eyes.

Against literally any good judgment left in his stupid head, he kissed them. A bit clumsily because
he didn’t even realize he was going to do it until he’d mashed his face against Bee’s. Before he
could do anything to make it better, Bee jerked back against the door of the car, growing
impossibly smaller.

“Why did you do that?” they demanded, hands coming up in front of their chest as if to guard it.

“Because I wanted to?” Gabe said, not understanding the question. Why else did people kiss each
other?

“Oh,” they said and then they looked at the torn knees of their jeans. They plucked at the frayed
fabric.

After another beat of silence, the awkwardness won out and Gabe caved.

“I’m sorry,” he said at the same time as Bee said, “Do it again.”

Gabe’s brain was doing a number of things. Namely screaming and punching the air. He ignored it,
far too busy reaching out to tug Bee closer. They went willingly, rising up on their knees in the seat
to lean across the console and kiss him back.

He cupped their cheek in his hand and his stomach swooped down to his feet. Fuck, they were tiny.
They made Gabe feel like he was there to protect them, to hold them close and make sure no one
ever hurt them.

Except that was ridiculous. If someone hurt Bee’s they’d get a kick in every vulnerable place
known to man.

What they were doing was definitely classified as making out now. Bee’s tongue was in his mouth
as they made little noises in their throat that were having a very specific effect on Gabe’s body.

It made no sense. He’d never felt like this. He wanted to toss the fucking console out of his car and
push Bee back against the seat. Or pull them into his lap. It was insane that Bee made him feel this
way. Tiny Bee with their tiny hands and perpetual impossible frown. Bee with their acne scars and
skinny jeans.

He pulled away, breathing hard. “Jesus,” he said, releasing his hold on Bee and collapsing back
against the seat.

He stared out over the road and tipped his head back against the seat. “How do you make me feel
like this?”

He said it idly but Bee was at his throat in a second. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Gabe frowned and looked at them. “C’mon. I mean, we hate each other. I mean - you hate me?
And you’re like...you. And I’m me - shit, I’m not explaining myself -”

He was interrupted by a fist to the nose. As he clutched at it, he heard the clattering of the door
opening. “Fuck you,” Bee spat before they slammed the door shut.

Gabe watched as they disappeared into their house and kicked himself. Stupid runaway mouth.

On the bright Bee’s punch hadn’t been hard enough to make his nose bleed. But it stung like the
dickens.

He drove himself home and waved off his parents questions before taking a cold shower and trying
not to think about how warm Bee had been or how much he wanted to kiss them again. And when
he went to bed, he dreamed of a polar bear marrying a penguin. They were wearing matching
tuxedos. It was adorable.

He still woke up in a sour mood. But it didn’t matter. He had to go to work.

 Chapter 7

When Gabe walked into the office, Bee was already jamming their coat into their locker and
frowning. That was not the expression of someone who wanted to be talked to.

Gabe did it anyway.

“Look, Bee,” Gabe began, opening up his palms like maybe making a defenseless gesture would
do anything to make Bee look a little less murderous.

“Shut up,” Bee snapped. “I’m going to feed the penguins.”

Bee slammed their locked shut and marched away, their high top chucks slapping against the stone
floor accusingly.

Gabe sighed. He’d been an asshole. A prick, Bee would probably say. And they’d be right. He
hadn’t meant anything by what he’d said! They were just really different than he was and it was
surprising to him that he liked them so much. That he wanted to mash his face against their little
face and kiss them until they made those noises from the night before. And maybe some other
noises.

He tried not to feel too sorry for himself as he grabbed the broom and tugged open the door to
Aziraphale’s enclosure.

He stepped out, still grumbling, but when he looked out over the enclosure, he froze.

Aziraphale wasn’t there. In the mornings, he was usually asleep by the glass. Trying to be close to
his stupid penguin boyfriend or something.

Except today, the enclosure was eerily silent.

He rushed to the edge of the pool and scanned the water. Nothing.

The sound of tapping on glass drew Gabe’s attention and he whirled around to look at the penguin
enclosure.

Oh fuck.

Bee jabbed their finger in the direction of their side of the pool and Gabe’s heart dropped.
Aziraphale was there, just paddling along with Crowley diving and popping up beside him. They
looked like they were having the time of their lives.

The other penguins? Not so much.

They’d formed angry, terrified clumps around the edges of the enclosure and were squawking up a
storm, little flippers flapping indignantly at their sides.

“Shit,” Gabe said, rushing back through the door and sprinting to the penguin enclosure. Bee was
right inside the door, waiting for him.

“What the fuck?” he said, breathless as he looked out over the insane tableau in front of him.
Aziraphale seemed happy enough, not focused on the other penguins. Gabe supposed penguins
weren’t the typical prey of polar bears - they were from opposite sides of the planet for fuck’s sake
- but he didn’t see why that would stop Aziraphale. The hungry bastard.
Maybe Aziraphale thought of them as a sea of little Crowleys and didn’t want to hurt potential
friends.

What the fuck was he thinking? This wasn’t a Disney movie.

“We have to call someone,” Gabe said, completely at a loss as he watched Aziraphale and Crowley
continue to play in the pool.

Bee quirked an eyebrow. “What happened to being afraid of losing this gig?”

“I’m not going to have the death of twenty penguins on my head. Do you want that much death on
your head?” Gabe pointed out.

They shrugged. “They’re gonna die one day anyway.”

Gabe pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m calling the director. We need maintenance in here
immediately and we probably need someone to tranq Aziraphale so we can get him out.”

Aziraphale flopped out of the pool, soaking wet, only to be followed by Crowley who hopped
along. Once Aziraphale laid down, Crowley began running his beak through his fur like he was
combing it.

Weird-ass animals.

“Alright,” Bee said, voice firm. “I’ll call maintenance. You get the director. Deal?”

Gabe swallowed hard. “Yeah. That’s -”

Apparently deciding that was enough chit-chat, Bee yanked open the door and disappeared inside
but Gabe didn’t want them to run off. He trotted after them.

“Bee, wait,” Gabe said, brushing their shoulderblade with his hand because he wanted to grab them
and stop them but he didn’t exactly want a kick in the nuts.

Bee whirled on him. “What? We have a plan now. What do you want?”

“To apologize,” Gabe said, rising up to his full height. He was going to fucking get out the words
or die trying. “I was an asshole yesterday.”

“Yeah, you were,” Bee replied, crossing their arms over their chest. They were so small. Gabe
wanted to pick them up and pull them into a crushing hug. “Is that it?”

Gabe put his shoulders back. He was a strong sixteen-year-old who regularly wrangled a polar
bear. He could wrangle 5 feet of fury. No problem.

The racing of his heart said something else entirely.

“No,” he said finally. “I like you.”

Bee frowned. “No, you don’t.”

“Excuse me,” Gabe said, disgruntled as frustration started to rise inside him. “I know how I feel.”

Bee’s arms tightened around their chest until they were almost hugging themself. Their frown
shifted into a baring of tiny sharp teeth. “You’ve spent the last two months with only me and a
polar bear for company. Am I supposed to be flattered you decided to imprint on me? Go fuck
yourself.”

Gabe tried to rein in his anger. He really did. Unfortunately, he was really bad at doing it around
Bee.

“I’m not some stupid penguin getting heart eyes for the first thing I see,” Gabe grated out. “You’re
being an asshole and I usually like that about you but could you fucking tone it down for one
second and let me be nice to you!”

Bee narrowed their eyes. “No.”

They turned away and rushed down the corridor, leaving Gabe seething behind them.
 Chapter 8
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Gabe was herded away from the Director’s office by her assistant Michael who insisted the
Director was too busy to meet with him.

“Too busy to handle the fact that there is a polar bear in the penguin enclosure? ” Gabe demanded,
some residual anger from his argument with Bee leaking into his voice. He’d usually be much
more respectful to his elders, but he was at the end of his tether. This was fu

Michael’s eyebrows went up. “Hold on,” she said tightly before slipping into the Director’s office.

When she returned, she tugged at the collar of her blue polo and cleared her throat. “She’s sending
me to review the situation. Lead the way.”

Gabe forced himself not to grumble. He had already been rude enough. He hoped Bee had better
luck with maintenance. He knew the lead maintenance guy could be trouble. But Bee was the best
at handling trouble. Stalwart, stubborn, intimidating despite their small stature and youth.

Gabe definitely didn’t need to worry about Bee.

He led Michael across the zoo to the cold climate enclosures and took her into the viewing area
where a handful of patrons were already goggling at the polar bear. Who went to the zoo at 8 AM?

“Oh my god, it’s so cute,” one of the teenage girls said, snapping pictures of Crowley riding on
Aziraphale’s back as Aziraphale paddled around the pool. It was cute but Gabe was too frustrated
to admit it.

“You have to post it on instagram,” her friend said as she also took pictures.

Crowley dove off of Aziraphale’s back and paddled below the surface before popping back up and
playfully pecking at Aziraphale’s snout. Aziraphale opened his jaws wide and, by Gabe’s side,
Michael gasped, hand going to his mouth.

But all Aziraphale did was emit an irritated growl before nudging Crowley back with his nose. The
penguin let out a chatter that almost sounded like a laugh - Gabe was going insane,
anthropomorphizing a penguin like that. Penguins didn’t laugh.

They did however, huddle in terror at one end of the enclosure while a polar bear played in their
paddling pool

“What on God’s green earth…” Michael said quietly.

One of the teenage girls turned and spotted them in their obvious employee wear. “Oi!” the blonde
girl cried. “Can I tag the zoo on instagram?”

Michael’s eyes widened in horror. “Absolutely not!”

Gabe put out his hand, mind whirring. Zoos weren’t the most popular thing these days. They made
enough money to keep things running, but profits were down and they hadn’t been able to upgrade
the way they should. If more people came, they could upgrade the enclosures. Maybe expand the
 zoo. Reopen the swamp exhibit.

Zoos might not be popular but, online, cute animal videos were obscenely popular. Odd couples.
Things like deer and puppies cuddling.

How popular would videos of Crowley and Aziraphale be?

“Michael, wait,” Gabe said. “Isn’t all press good press?”

Michael’s lips formed a thin line. “People are going to accuse us of animal cruelty.”

“Does that look cruel?” Gabe demanded, gesturing emphatically at where Aziraphale and Crowley
had clambered out of the pool only to cuddle up in a sunset spot to dry out. “It’s probably more
cruel to keep them apart.”

Michael swore. “I need to speak with the Director about this.”

Gabe wanted to shriek, That’s what I told you .

Instead he nodded politely.

“I’m just gonna post it,” the girl said, clearly losing interest.

Michael led Gabe out of the enclosure. “How did the bear get in there?”

Gabe grimaced. “Me and Bee - the other intern - we think it’s a broken grate between the
enclosures under the water.”

Michael sighed and put a hand to her forehead. “Have you notified maintenance?”

“Bee’s on it right now,” Gabe said, ignoring the small twinge in his stomach at the thought of Bee.
They were going to handle this together and then Gabe was going to make sure they talked. He
thought about kissing them again. What would it be like standing up? Could he haul them up into
his arms? Would they make those noises again?

Michael nodded jerkily. “I’ll send out some folks. We need to shut down the exhibit and we’re
going to need to tranq the bear.”

Gabriel glanced into the enclosure. “Can you give me thirty minutes to try and get him out without
tranquilizers?”

Michael looked at him sharply, gaze assessing. “Fine. But we’ll be waiting in the wings.”

Gabe nodded. He needed pudding cups, and if that didn’t work, he had a secret weapon. He didn’t
like deploying it. It was messy and couldn’t be good for the bear. But it always worked.

Chapter End Notes

two more chapters! i've really enjoyed this silly AU and am excited to finish it up!
Thanks so much for reading and for all your lovely comments.
 Chapter 9
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Gabe took a deep breath, held the box closer to his chest and put his hand on the door. He wished
Bee was there, but they hadn’t returned since they’d gone off to fetch maintenance. Probably still
trying to convince the maintenance team to even do something about this. Those assholes.

But Gabe could do this. He was going to do it.

He squared his shoulders and pushed open the enclosure door. He cleared his throat and pulled out
the box filled with angel cake.

“Aziraphale,” he called out, stepping further into the enclosure. “I’ve got your favorite.”

No polar bear. He peered through the windows between the enclosures and swallowed hard.
Aziraphale was still in the penguin enclosure, presumably asleep with Crowley tucked into his
neck.

Approaching carefully, he tapped on the plexiglass. "Aziraphale! I've got your angel cake."

The previously resting polar bear's head whipped around and if an animal's eyes could widen in
delight then aziraphale did.

Without even pausing, Aziraphale jumped into the water, ignoring Crowley's indignant squawk.

And then Aziraphale was coming up out of the pond, loping towards him and—

Gabe found himself on his back, one polar paw on his belly as angel cake slammed into his chest
and went everywhere.

First, Aziraphale snuffled through the fallen treats, but he inhaled the crumbs on the ground
quickly. Then for Gabe. Aziraphales snout was huge, his teeth scraping over Gabe’s clothes as he
nibbled at the cake smeared over his shirt. Then his neck. Holy fuck, this was terrifying. And his
breath smelled awful.

A little penguin flipper slapped Gabe in the face and he was confronted by Crowley who seemed
determined to smear the cake even further. Why was Gabe even at this job?

There was a sharp noise to Gabe’s left and he heard Bee’s patented drawl. "Best roll out of the way,
numbnuts."

Then Gabe saw the dart in Aziraphale’s neck. He squeaked and rolled to the side just as
Aziraphale collapsed into the smeared pile of crumbs and frosting that had once been angel cake.

Crowley squawked so loud that Gabe had to cover his ears. Then the penguin was on him, slapping
and pecking and crying and Gabe thought today might be the day he lost an eyeball just as Bee
slammed a net down around the distraught penguin.

"Maintenance is coming. We just need to keep them restrained while they work,” Bee explained,
frowning as Crowley flopped about in the net, crying.

Gabe wondered why he’d convinced his parents to let him stay in the UK for this internship. He
should have listened to his dad and gone back to his usual summer camp.

But you want to do this work, he reminded himself.

It was hard to remember that when he was covered in cake and polar bear drool.

Bee looked him up and down and grimaced. "Go wash up. I'll handle this."

Gabe was spraying himself down with the hose in the back room of the enclosure when Bee
appeared and leaned against the sink they washed the penguins in.

"What?" Gabe snapped, not feeling friendly or warm in the least. Mostly wet and gross. And sort of
sticky. "Where's Crowley?"

"The director sent some staff to handle it. Apparently the situation is above an intern’s
responsibilities. Liability or some shit," Bee said, wrapping their arms over their chest and glancing
away.

That was when Gabe realized he was soaking wet, clothes stuck to him like a second skin. He
might have been embarrassed if Bee wasn't so obviously blushing.

"Look," he began, shutting off the hose. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I like you and I'm surprised by
how much. That’s all I meant. I said it wrong."

Bees eyes snapped to his face and they bared their teeth, ready to fight and scratch and generally
fight about everything. Gabe barreled on.

"Only because I haven't felt like this. Not because of whatever bullshit reason you've decided,"
Gabe said loudly, deciding that volume would drown out Bee’s angry protests. "I want to fucking
date you. And kiss you whenever I want. And make out in my car and go to lunch and all that
stupid teen movie crap. Its stupid but it’s true."

Bee's face was scrunched up in distaste and it was needlessly cute. Angry ball of righteous fury.
Wonderful little Bee.

"It is stupid.”

Gabe held out his hands in supplication. "You kissed me back so I know you don't think I'm totally
disgusting."

Bee rolled their eyes heavenward and groaned, admitting, "I don't think you're totally disgusting."

Gabe grinned, feeling very certain he was about to win this battle. Finally. "Let me take you to
dinner after our shifts. Or ice cream. Or fucking whatever."

Bees shoulders shrank together and then they tipped back their chin. "Fine but you better change
clothes. I'm not going on a date if you stink of polar bear."

Gabe felt a rush of relief. He smiled. "Can do."

A sudden clattering sounded beyond the door to the enclosure and they both turned to look. Bee
sighed. "This bullshit is never going to end, is it?"

Gabe grabbed one of the hand towels they used for drying the penguins and scrubbed it over his
face. "Actually, I have an idea about that."
Chapter End Notes

generally don't feed polar bears cakes but in disney movie land, polar bears can eat
whatever they want

one more chapter! thanks for joining me in the land of silliness

 Chapter 10
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Say Hello to the Internet’s Newest Odd Couple

At Haven Zoo the newest exhibit defies expectation. A penguin and a polar bear, living in
harmony. Opposite sides of the planet but they don’t seem to know that.

The polar bear’s primary keeper, Gabriel Winger, said that it’s been “so much trouble to wrangle
them. It was impossible to keep them apart. It only made sense to let them be together.”

You’d think such a pairing would pose danger to each other but as you can see in <link> this viral
video<link> they are practically inseparable. And definitely cute. The zoo recently started an
instagram @polar_opposites where you can see Crowley and Aziraphale daily antics.

Gabriel leaned back against the wall of the enclosure overlook and handed his phone to Bee who
snatched it with unnecessary vigor. But that was just Bee. A little vigorous. Gabe liked that about
them.

Aziraphale was swimming in the pool and Crowley was squawking at the shoreline, seemingly
pleased. But who was Gabe to know. He was a fucking penguin. He could be squawking because
he liked the sound of his own voice.

Gabe secretly liked to think it was because he was happy. Mostly because Gabe secretly liked to be
proud of himself for solving the problem of Aziraphale and Crowley.

Bee snorted beside him.

“What?” he asked, not looking at them and hoping that avoiding eye contact might warrant Bee
scooting a little closer. They liked when he was a little more demure. And also when he was
forceful. Damn, Bee just liked him. Wasn’t that a trip?

“Some creep commented on the article.”

Bee shoved the phone screen in his face.

Damn how old is that zookeeper. I’d smash.

Gabe blinked at the words and felt his cheeks get hot. Bee cackled and poked him in the ribs. “The
internet thinks you’re sexy.”

Gabe snatched Bee by the wrist and tugged them closer. They resisted only slightly, finally letting
him pull them practically into his lap.

“No canoodling on the clock,” Bee protested but didn’t pull away.

“Not canoodling. Bonding. Employee bonding,” Gabe said, wrapping his hand lightly around their
wrist. The last few weeks had been amazing. Spending all his time with Bee. Going on dates that
usually ended in shouting matches which usually resulting in making out in Gabe’s car. Best
summer ever.

Bee laughed and started tapping away on his phone screen.

 “What are you doing?” Gabe asked warily.

“Replying to internet pervert.”

“What are you saying?”

“Nothing important,” Bee said lightly.

“Bee…” Gabe said, warning in his voice but Bee just angled the screen away. He frowned but let it
go. He wouldn’t be able to stop them even if he tried.

There was a small roar out in the enclosure. He looked out and saw Aziraphale and Crowley
playfighting, Aziraphale batting at the penguin who happily rolled onto his belly and let out a loud
squawk. Aziraphale nosed at his exposed stomach and Crowley slapped at his face with his
flippers.

Gabe was hardly surprised this was swiftly become the most popular exhibit at the zoo. They really
were pretty fucking cute.

Chapter End Notes

ah final chap! thanks for sticking with the silly story. it was such a blast!

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one the Eagle's Nest by aretia

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