Aug. 29th – 1:00 a.m. – “*sounds of crying*… they said his heart is stopping”. Ok.

We’re coming over now”. “My dad is dying”.

Those words started my fall semester of junior year in college. I was in my living
room with my mom having insomnia about the first day of school. I like to relax
before I head to bed. But no. My dad got a call from my grandma saying we need
to rush to the SICU to say goodbye to my grandpa.

I shake like crazy. It’s the morning before the first day of school. But all I can think
is I’m about to lose my first grandparent. After being blessed with all my four
grandparents my entire life, I was nervous.

It’s pitch-black outside. No car nor person in sight. My family and I pick up my
grandma who is crying hysterically. She is about to lose her husband. Her
soulmate. Her life partner of more than 50 years. I have no clue how that feels
because I’m only 20. But I can feel a slight bit of her pain as I hold her hand in the
car. Staying calm and quiet, ready for one of those life-changing moments.

My dad, grandma, and I get out of the car to check in at the hospital. The doors
are locked. So, we press the button. My grandma continues to cry as she explains
to the lady at the front desk, talking through the intercom, why we’re here. My
dad corrects her as she can barely speak. It takes a while to get guest passes. A
security guard sees where in trouble. He guides and takes the elevator with us up
to the SICU. There are still good people in this world. If you see this, make a
change for someone today. It can be big or small. But I guarantee you, that person
will be grateful.

My body is shaking. I hate when I do this. I can’t control it. I’m nervous for what is
going to come. The doors slowly open and we walk down to his room. The
curtains are closed as the doctors are saving his life. Most of the nurses are
outside or going in and out of my grandpa’s room. My grandma is the only one
sitting. The rest of my family is nervously waiting to see my grandpa.

There is a man in a white coat in front of me as I lean on the nurses’ desk. I

thought it was the doctor. But it’s the priest. Now, I know it’s serious. There’s a
sign on a pole that says “IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, PLEASE CALL PRIEST…” with his
number. We wait hours as the doctors operate on him, waiting for those final
words. He was on a different floor. But because his heart rate dropped, the nurses
had to transport him immediately. I couldn’t look at the heart monitors above the
nurses’ desk because I was afraid I was going to catch the moment his heart went
flat. I’m already drafting emails to my new professors I’ve never met saying “Even
though it’s the first day of school, I’m sorry I can’t come in.” Like what do I say
when I’m literally shaking? My grandpa’s dying??!?!

My uncle, who lives an hour away, got to the hospital about an hour and a half-ish
after (I Don’t know it’s been a long night). But the doctor comes out to speak to
my grandma. He says they don’t know what’s wrong with him, but its serious. We
couldn’t figure out it either (like we’re doctors). But one day his stomach was
hurting, and it has declined since then. Losing weight fast, prostate cancer,
infections, etc. My grandpa was always a skinny man, but he never liked it. He
liked more meat on his bones. Depending on that person’s health, adding a few
pounds is ok in a society that hates it. That’s why he always wore jeans with a
cowboy belt buckle. Even in the summer! The nurses called him cowboy because
they turned on old country music on his phone. It absolutely lightened his mood.

As we thank the doctors, its finally time to see him. I was so nervous. He looked
like he was dying. So many tubes in his body with blood on the floor. He was lying
still, very weak, and couldn’t open his eyes. My family and I couldn’t believe what
we’re in. But we had to face it because we love him.

The nurse said he could hear us, and my family started to say “hi” and comfort
him. Not bring up any negativity (which you should do in moments like these. Act
like regular life is going on). I didn’t say anything because I was still nervous. “I
know you don’t like me rubbing you’re arm, but I don’t care I’m going to do it
anyway,” said my grandma to my grandpa. It was beautiful. That’s real love. I
could see the highway from his hospital window, which was cool. After, we all
held hands as the priest was praying upon my grandpa to heal in the name of
God. I grew up Catholic. And I’ve never experienced such power in one room
where someone could have died.

I could only imagine what my grandpa was thinking. Months before, he talked
about how the pain is unbearable and he wanted to die. It broke my family’s
heart. It’s selfish, but we wanted him here. Obviously. But I’ve experienced this
with my dog five years ago. When someone is in pain, you want them to get
better. And sometimes the only choice is Heaven to heal. That’s what my dad said
about my grandpa, “I don’t care what happens, I just want him to get better”.

I still haven’t said anything to my grandpa. And I asked for a moment alone. I pray
he heard me. But I said, “Hey Pipa. It’s Isabella, your granddaughter. Again, it’s
Isabella. I love you. I love you so much. We’re all here right now. God bless you”.
And I left the room as my family comforted me, knowing I needed the time with
him.

Aug. 29th – 4:00 a.m. – My uncle and grandma are going to stay at the hospital
while my mom, dad, and I head home. I was a clown thinking I was going to make
it to my 8 a.m. class. But I couldn’t think one bit about school. I thought about my
grandpa and the pain he is in. When we got home, I went into my email drafts and
sent my professors emails I wouldn’t be in. I cried hysterically. As my mom was
comforting me, I said, “I don’t want to lose my grandpa”. My dad shows me a
photo he keeps on his nightstand. It’s my grandpa holding me as a baby. He looks
the same way as I know him. Not this sick, skinny man. I look at the cross he made
for me above my head. I’ve had my cross since the youngest I remember. There’s
something in my family about having a cross over your head. My parents,
grandparents, and probably great parents had it as well. Everyone has that one
song that they remember in a time of their life. This moment’s theme song is
“Mary on a Cross” by Ghost. This song was trending on TikTok at the time. I
understand it means something else. But the verse that was trending was “Your
beauty never scared me”. And even though my grandpa lost a bunch of weight, I
still wanted to see him. Because I knew my time was running out with him. And
the song title itself. My grandpa loved his crosses. One day, my dad randomly
found one on the sidewalk and gave it to him. My grandpa started to cry. He
never expressed his feelings. I think that might have to do with him being a
Vietnam Veteran. But I’ll respect his privacy. At the crucifixion, Mary saw her son,
Jesus, dying on the cross. And in Catholic school, we we’re taught that is what life
is like. We go through death to be alive again. Just as Jesus rose from the dead on
the third day, Easter, to prove there is an afterlife. And it was a sign that Mary
was us at the edge of his hospital bed.

One month went by and school was going good for the beginning of the semester.
I commuted four days a week, I was enjoying my classes, and I went to my radio
internship (which I loved).
Sept. 30th – 3:00 a.m. – “Hey, Isabella. Dad went over to Grandma’s. They think
Pipa passed away,” said my mom. “What?” I stare at my wall. “Can you please get
me phone?” I say to my mom. I was in the stage of denial from the five stages of
grief. As I get ready to head to my grandma’s house and see my grandpa’s body in
his hospice bed, I shake again. My mind can only direct to two photos in the
family gallery in my hallway: my grandpa and grandma holding me on my first
Halloween and grandpa and I sharing a cheese stick with our German shepherds. I
couldn’t believe it. 20 years of love, hanging out, him teaching me, showing me
things is over.

My grandpa has a designated chair on his porch. If you have been to my

grandma’s house, you would know which chair I’m talking about. That chair was
facing out into the sky. Nobody moved it. But once I saw his chair, I knew grandpa
was up in Heaven. As my grandma said, “When somebody tells me “I’m sorry for
your loss. I’ll say “No, he’s not. He’s in Heaven”.

Now, I won’t go into the details about that morning and day for my family and I’s
privacy. But therefore, I transferred schools in college. There were many reasons.
And one of them was because my grandpa was sick. I needed to spend time with
my family. My home wasn’t a dorm. It was where I grew up the past 20 years.
Being with my family the day of my grandpa’s passing is want I needed. What we
all needed. Home is a beautiful feeling that even when I move out of my parents’
house, I still want to feel like I’m home, wherever I go.

As I was looking at his face, his beauty still didn’t scare me. Even in the afterlife. I
told him, “Take care of your wife”. And I can feel my grandpa touch my shoulder.
Since my grandpa’s death, I felt more connected to him then I have since the time
he got sick.

I’m surprised how much strength my grandpa gave me, especially my family,
because he was my first “close” death. I didn’t know how I would have handled
the day. It did teach me lessons about true love (not just for romance), quality
time, appreciation, etc. And I’m so grateful to have learned these lessons at a
young age. A lot of kids and adults are into themselves (and yes, I can be too (I’m
human). But you need to take care and love yourself before you can take care and
love others. It’s a common saying. But it’s 100% true.
Another reason why my grandpa gave me strength after his passing was months
before, he told my grandma he was ready to meet his dad. It makes me want to
cry thinking about it. I don’t know this feeling. But he waited over 70 years.
Sometimes I get sad that I won’t physically see my grandpa for decades. But if he
could enjoy his life, then so can I. My grandpa would want to explore and live out
my best life filled with love and happiness. If I didn’t, he would be incredibly
disappointed. And I don’t want to disrespect him like that. My grandpa always
said, “Stupid kids” because you’re young and haven’t experienced what life is
about. That makes you stupid (In a good way).

I know that my great grandfather was ready to meet his son once he took his last
breath. Inhale on earth, exhale in Heaven. I told my mom I would love to meet my
great grandfather and great grandmother, who I bet was ecstatic to see her son
again! I also said I want to see a replay of the father and son reuniting. I know it
was beautiful, and I’m jealous I can’t hang out with my family (not like that).
“Everybody wants to go to Heaven / But nobody want to go now” – Kenny
Chesney, 2008. My grandpa gets to finally be the son, after being the father for
decades, and gets to experience what his sons did.

Oct. 4 - His funeral was a fantastic day. Even my grandmother was extremely
grateful of the turnout. Again, my grandpa gave me a lot of strength. It felt like a
party. Which it should be! It’s to celebrate life! But with all my family together,
the hardest part was to close the casket. I would never see his body again. I
pinned his “Vietnam Veteran” pin on his cowboy shirt (he always knew he was a
cowboy). And I rubbed his hair. My mom and I were side-by-side, crying
hysterically. We were the last people to see his body. I’m blessed and humbled to
have one last final moment. But that’s not him. My therapist told me one time
about a used car, “When your car breaks down, you must throw it away and get a
new one. That is what your body is like. His body was breaking down. And he
needed a new one”. This statement brought me so much comfort to my healing
and grief.

I knew after the funeral would be difficult as everyone went back to reality. I had
to go back and pay attention to my grades and health, so it doesn’t deteriorate in
times like these. In one of my classes, one kid made a “dead grandparent” joke
without knowing my situation. I tried to let it go over my head. But I needed to
leave class, call my mom, and have a good cry. People have told me, “Don’t cry.
It’s not good”. But it is. You need to get out those emotions before it can build up
into something worse.

Also, I couldn’t thank my professor enough who understood my grief and

comforted me. It’s rare to get professors like that. When you get them, keep in
touch.

This semester was long and my emotions got better over time. But I got covid and
the flu one month apart. Obviously, I had to skip a few days. I’ve never felt so sick
as I slept all day and had a 102.7°. Especially when we were wearing masks the
pasts few years. But in this recap, I believed my grandpa gave my family and I a lot
of strength because I was surprised how we got closer in a time of need. And as I
mentioned, he was my first grandparent to pass. I did much better than when my
pet passed in high school. Having independence in college, going to therapy,
having a supportive family, and not giving up got me through this tough semester.
It’s easier said than done. And I’m an only child. Maybe it’s because I was around
adults most of my life. But I’m proud of the young woman I am. Transferring
colleges and going through my grandpa’s sickness was difficult, but it made me
realize the true meanings of family, comfort, hard work, and love. Again, it’s
easier said than done. But you must be committed to changing your life for the
better.

As I write this essay, I have an internship at NBC Sports nest semester. I always
had a great feeling about NBCUniversal. I love their company. It wasn’t easy to get
the internship. But I put in the work. When it is yourself, you don’t give yourself
enough credit. Thinking you could have done better. But success comes in small
steps. And I’m only 20. Imagine what my twenties will look like when I continue to
stay committed to my strive!

To wrap up this essay, I wanted to write about my grandpa one last time. I’m
going to talk about him for the rest of my life. But his headstone came in right
before Christmas. Something my grandma wanted. A Christmas wish come true.
The headstone has a cross on top of the stone, above his head in his grave. For my
20 years I knew him, he had a cross above his bed. That led my parents and I to
have crosses above ours. My cross is one he made (He was a talented handyman!)
My grandfather was a stubborn man, like most of us, but he got what he wanted
after death. And my family and I wouldn’t want it either way!

When you grow up with privileges, you don’t realize emotions, events, and things
until they’re gone. It sucks that you don’t realize life’s meanings until you go
through challenging events. But as someone said, or tons of people (I don’t know,
my apologies), it’s better to love than not experience love at all. And I will love
like my grandpa. I wanted to share this quote my aunt shared from his guestbook,
“I have known this guy for 62 of my 70 years! He was definitely an icon in our
family. Biggest P in the A you every met...it was his own very clever way of getting
everyone who ever met him to love his sense of humor. Easy tell how my sister
Terry fell in love with him, just like our dad, he would give you the shirt off his
back if he felt you were in need.”