6M Mental Health Mar10 (Secured)

MENTAL HEALTH
Elizabeth J. Hall
College of Health Evangelism

Wildwood Lifestyle Center & Hospital
Wildwood, GA
All rights reserved by author – 2006

No duplication except by written permission from author
435 Lifestyle Lane
Wildwood, GA 30757
Email: <lizjhall@gmail.com>
Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

Mental Health
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter/Topic Page Number

____________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION .................................................................................................................................2

CHAPTER 2: FAULTY THINKING PATTERNS .....................................................................................................5
CHAPTER 3: CORE BELIEFS .................................................................................................................................. 11
CHAPTER 4 – PART 1: THE NEED FOR DEALING WITH THE PAST .......................................................... 17
CHAPTER 4 – PART 2: DEALING WITH THE PAST ........................................................................................ 20
CHAPTER 5: DEALING WITH ANGER................................................................................................................. 27
CHAPTER 6: FORGIVENESS .................................................................................................................................. 33
CHAPTER 7: SELF-CONCEPTS .............................................................................................................................. 36
CHAPTER 8: THE LAWS OF THE MIND ............................................................................................................. 40
APPENDICES
APPENDIX A: THE POWER OF THOUGHTS..................................................................................................... 43
APPENDIX B: THE MOST EFFECTIVE MEDICINE............................................................................................ 44
APPENDIX C: OVERCOMING ANXIETY .............................................................................................................. 47
APPENDIX D: DIET FOR A DOWNCAST SOUL ................................................................................................. 51
APPENDIX E: BURIED ALIVE ................................................................................................................................ 53
APPENDIX F: PROMISES TO BREAK .................................................................................................................. 56
APPENDIX G: DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS ......................................................................................... 58
APPENDIX H: THE HEALING ROLE OF FORGIVENESS .................................................................................. 67
APPENDIX I: POWER OF THE WILL ................................................................................................................... 70
APPENDIX J: BEING A FRIEND FOR LIFE .......................................................................................................... 74
APPENDIX K: STAYING CONNECTED ................................................................................................................. 75
APPENDIX L: CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS ............................................................................................. 80
APPENDIX M: COUNSELS FROM THE CARPENTER OF NAZARETH .......................................................... 84
APPENDIX N: ENCOURAGING WORDS .............................................................................................................. 86
Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 1

Chapter 1: Introduction
Importance of Mental Health
1. He who seeks to transform humanity must himself understand humanity. (Ed. 78)
2. Happiness and health depend upon the harmonious development of the physical, mental, and
spiritual dimensions of a person. (Ed. 13)
3. The mind and the body are intimately related and affect each other.
4. Because 9 out of 10 diseases originate in the “mind,” a medical missionary must understand the
mind in order to help prevent or treat disease.
5. We became intimately bound to God when He created us and when Christ took on human nature
and died for our sins. Scripture tells us that in all our afflictions, He is afflicted. He feels every pain
we feel. By learning and internalizing principles of good mental health, we reduce our own mental
and physical suffering and thus help to alleviate some of Christ’s suffering.
Mental Health Topics
Person’s ability to think, choose, and act (Ed. 17)
1. How behavior influences the mind

2. Thoughts – healthy versus unhealthy
3. Core beliefs or motivations and dealing with the past
4. The will/power of choice
5. Relationship issues (anger, forgiveness, conflict resolution, boundaries)
________________________________________________________________________________
The Mind-Body Connection
Our doing comes from our being

• We act upon our thoughts, perceptions, and words
• Our behavior influences the mind
Caffeine and the brain

• Long-term use of caffeine reduces the production of certain brain chemicals
1. Serotonin – brain chemical that contributes to a positive outlook
2. Norepinephrine – natural antidepressant in the brain
• Interferes with the metabolism of GABA – GABA helps maintain calmness and focus under stress
– caffeine lowers the threshold for irritability, anger, and discontent
Physical exercise and the mind

• Improves self-esteem
• Slows cognitive decline
• Increases serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine
• Reduces trait and state anxiety
• Example: In a study of 6728 individuals, those with the greatest cardiovascular fitness had less
depression and greater emotional well-being. The dose-relationship peaked between 11-19
miles/week. (Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2006 Jan;38(1):173-8)
Effect of Actions
2 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

The words we speak reflect upon our character
• “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh”
• Words are more than an indication of our character; they have power to reflect upon our character
Reciprocal blessing or curses

• What we reflect to others is often reflected back to us. It is the little attentions, the numerous small
incidents and simple courtesies of life, that make up the sum of life's happiness; and it is the
neglect of kindly, encouraging, affectionate words, and the little courtesies of life which helps
compose the sum of life's wretchedness. It will be found at last that the denial of self for the good
and happiness of those around us constitutes a large share of the life record in heaven. And the fact
will also be revealed that the care of self, irrespective of the good and happiness of others, is not
beneath the notice of our heavenly Father. (2T 133)
Thoughts, attitudes, and feelings

• Prov. 23:7 – “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he”
• Isa. 1:18 – “Come and let us reason together,” says the Lord
• 5T 310 – “If the thoughts are wrong, the feelings will be wrong, and thoughts and feelings
combined make up the moral character”
What we feel and think is important. God through His prophet explains: “Even your thoughts must be
brought into subjection to the will of God and your feelings under the control of reason and religion.”
Ibid.
________________________________________________________________________________
Types of Thinking
1. Reactive thinking
• Responds to circumstances in a passive way
• Emotional, rather than logical thinking
• De-emphasizes the will (“They won’t listen,” “He makes me mad,” “There’s nothing I can
do about it”)
• Does not make choices based upon previous determined values
2. Proactive thinking
• Responds to circumstances in an active manner
• Values the will Application: Consider
• Seek actively for options or alternative ways Saul, David, Jonah, Peter,
• Makes decisions based upon previously chosen values or Judas and note how
• Accepts responsibility Ellen White describes the
3. Faith-active thinking extent to which their
• Proactive combined with a godly faith that is active in thought processes
struggling with issues in a godly manner determined their failures
• Values are based upon the Word of God or successes.
• Options are within God’s principles
• Looks for ways in which temptation can be opportunities with the perspective that God can
turn the curse into a blessing

Motives (Core Beliefs)
• “They should closely investigate their lives, analyze their thoughts and motives, and see if they
have been circumspect in deportment.” (2T 46) Motives can be conscious or unconscious.
Purposes are conscious goals.
• “Our thoughts and purposes are the secret spring of action and hence determine our character.”
(ST 3-09-82, “The Light of the World,” see 4T 84-85)
Note: In dealing with our own and others’ problems, we should prayerfully consider behavior,
thoughts, and motives. (Ps. 139:24,23; Ps. 26:1-3, 5T 310 adds feelings)
Checkpoint
1. How often do I compare my thoughts to God’s revealed thoughts in His Word?
2. According to 5T 310, what is the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and character? The next
section addresses the direct relationship between thoughts and feelings. When can feelings
determine actions without the influence of thoughts (some examples: post-traumatic stress
syndrome, satanic influences)?
3. According to Jer. 6:14 and Matt. 13:19, 21 how does God feel about superficial work? Does a deep
work necessarily mean a fast work? What scriptural evidence shows that God works gradually?
4. Why is it important to approach problems in a wholistic way – dealing not only with our behavior,
but with our thoughts and feelings as well?

Chapter 2: Faulty Thinking Patterns
1. All-or-None (Either-Or)
• Characteristics
1. Everything perceived as extremes with no middle ground
2. “A person is either good or bad”
3. “I must get an A in every class or I am a failure”
4. “Because I am single, my life is a failure”
• Examples
1. Jonah – “Ninevites are such bad people they need to be totally destroyed.” Later – “Now
they will see me as a false prophet. (God will have to destroy them or I will be a false
prophet).” PK 271
2. Saul – “I must be the most popular man or I won’t stay as king.”
3. Satan (to Jesus in the wilderness) – “Surely God wouldn’t treat His Son like you are being
treated.”
4. Child – “Mommy doesn’t love me or she wouldn’t spank me”
• Dangers
1. Nullifies God’s grace and graciousness in our own lives and the lives of others
2. Discounts the fact that people can learn from their mistakes
3. Promotes impatience and intolerance
4. Can cause us to lose sight of the fact that God has the ability to transform any curse into a
blessing
2. Awfulizing
• Characteristics
1. Seeing things in the worst possible light
2. Magnifying troubles and errors, and minimizing blessings and successes (see 2MCP 260
for an example and remedial treatment)
• “There are imperfections in human nature, and if one chooses the work of
magnifying little things and becoming irritated over the faults of others, he will
always find occasion. Until we cease to demand in others perfection which we do
not posses ourselves, we shall find time to do little else than dwell upon mistakes
and disagreeable things.” ST 1892-03-21.003
• Examples
1. “I made that mistake! I’ll lose my job, for sure!”
2. Children of Israel – When brought out of Egypt and faced difficulties they accused God of
bringing them to the desert to die
• Dangers
1. Ignores or mitigates God’s past and current blessings to us
2. Makes problems seem insurmountable
3. Leads to more reactive, passive thinking

3. Selective Filtering
• Focusing on the negative parts of life and filtering out the positive
1. “We need not keep our own record of trails and difficulties, grieves, and sorrows. All these
things are written in the books, and heaven will take care of them. While we are counting
up disagreeable things, many things that are pleasant to reflect upon are passing from
memory.” MH 487
2. “We need to beware of self-pity. Never indulge the feeling that you are not esteemed as
you should be, that your efforts are not appreciated, that your work is too difficult.” MH
476; Ps. 44: 23, 24; SC 119-121
3. “If we keep uppermost in our minds the unkind and unjust acts of others we shall find it
impossible to love them as Christ has loved us.” SC 121
• (Note she doesn't say we should be “unaware,” but rather we should see events
through the perspective of love and power of God. To be totally unaware of life’s
negatives and risks is another type of selective filtering. Infatuation often happens
when one can only see the good, charming side of an individual without seeing
his/her deficiencies and limitations.)
4. Mind-Reading
• Believing you know what the other person is thinking or that you can predict the future – fortune-
telling (reading others’ motives is another unhealthy form of mind-reading)
1. “She didn't smile at me today. She must be mad at me.” (In reality, she was only pre-
occupied.)
2. “They won’t listen.”
3. “I’m going to fail this exam.” (Even if the person studied.)
• Examples
1. King Saul – “David will overthrow me now that he is so popular.”
2. Jonah – “The people of Nineveh will think of me as a false prophet.”
5. Personalization
• Accepting the blame for some negative event involving others – internalizing what other people
think of us
1. “My dad didn’t care, I must have not been worth anything.”
2. “My family would have been well-adjusted if it weren’t for me.”
• Failing to accept other people’s limitations as only imitations and interpreting them as personal
rejections is a leading cause of stress
• Examples
1. Samuel – “They don’t like me because they’re asking for a king.”
• Rebuttals
1. We are to accept God’s evaluations and values of us
2. DA 668 describes how God wanted us or else He would not have sent His Son on such an
expensive errand to redeem us

3. If we accept our parents’ evaluation of us and let them (whether good, bad, or indifferent)
determine our worth, we are putting them in place of God. God does make parents to stand
in place of God to very young children until they can grasp concepts about God.
Unfortunately, because of sin, most parents do not mirror God well. As we grow and
become more mature, we are to respect our parents but never let them determine our value.
We have, as God’s creation and redemption, a far greater value that should never be
derived by another human individual.
4. The word “antichrist” means “in place of Christ” or “instead of Christ.” We know from
Bible prophecy that this refers to the papal system. However, we can create our own
antichrists in our mind by personalization.
6. Comparisons
• “They that compare themselves among themselves are not wise.” 2 Cor. 10:12, Jude 22
• Rebuttals
1. God does not judge by appearances
2. He also judges motives and attitudes, which we cannot
3. God judges a person according to the opportunities they have
7. Overgeneralization
• Assuming bad events will happen over and over or that things are always a certain way
1. “It happened to me once. My first husband was unfaithful. I must keep my present husband
from being unfaithful. I will never oppose him.”
2. “Nobody loves me.”
3. “I can't afford to make a mistake.”
4. “You always trip me up!”
• What can be said of a man at one time cannot be said of him at another time. (See 3T 470)
• Generalization: Going from specific events to general applications
1. “Sally and Jane don’t like me. Nobody likes me. This is the story of my whole life.”
• Rebuttal:
1. Whose prophecy do you accept: God’s or your own? Paul accepted God’s prophecy when
he said, “Being confident of this very thing, He which has begun a good work in you will
complete it” (Phil. 1:6). If we accept God’s wisdom and strength He offers us, this promise
cannot fail.
8. Always Being Right
• James 5:16, Matt. 7:3

• “…if anything arises to cross your track and you cannot control matters, you settle back with
stubbornness, a dead weight on the church.” 5T 118
• “You have a determined will, which causes the mind to react upon the body, unbalancing the
circulation and producing congestion in certain organs, and you are sacrificing health to your
feelings.” 5T 310

9. Should/Rigid Thinking
• Characteristics
1. Setting arbitrary requirements (which can be for others or ourselves) without considering
consequences
• Example: Disciples wanting to call down fire because others didn’t work miracles
in their style
2. Making ourselves criterion for right and wrong
• Rebuttals
1. “The other members of my family do not eat the same things that I do. I do not hold myself
up as a criterion for them. I leave each one to follow his own ideas to what is best for him.
I bind no one else’s conscience by my own. One man cannot be a criterion for another in
the matter of eating. It is impossible to make one rule for all to follow.” CDF 491
2. “In matters of the conscience the soul must be left untrammeled. No one is to control
another's mind, to judge for another, or to prescribe his duty. God gives to every soul
freedom to think, and to follow his own convictions…No one has a right to merge his own
individuality in that of another.” DA 550
3. “Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.” Rom. 14:5
• Dangers
1. Should thinking also involves unrealistic thinking about what we should accomplish,
irrespective of limitations. We can do this to ourselves or to others.
2. When we do this to ourselves we eventually become burned out, angry, guilty, or
frustrated.
3. When we do this to others, we often become judgmental and hold them in contempt and
our relationships are damaged.
10. Control Thinking
• Control others or our feelings by inappropriate behavior

1. Victim mentality (“I'm helpless”) or rescuing
2. Manipulation (the section on “swear not”)
3. Controlling personalities
• “It is not God’s purpose that any human being should yield his mind and will to the control of
another, becoming a passive instrument in his hands. No one is to merge his individuality in that of
another. He is not to look to any human being as the source of healing. His dependence must be in
God. In the dignity of his God-given manhood he is to be controlled by God Himself, not by any
human intelligence.” MH 242
• “The iron will changes not, because it would be too humiliating to acknowledge one’s self in
error.”
11. Blaming/Global labeling
• Characteristics
1. Categorizing people based on limited exposure
• “The whole nation is rotten.”

2. Blaming – Gen. 3:10-13
3. Global labeling – Rom. 2:3, Rom. 14:4
4. Rationalization (making plausible excuses) – Gal. 2:11-14, 1 Sam. 14:8
12. Emotional Reasoning
• Basing thoughts on feelings

1. “I feel like a loser, therefore I am a loser.”
• “Our sacred faith does not consist either in feeling or in action merely, but the two must be
combined in the Christian life.” 4T 372
• “Therefore in our labors and gifts for God's cause, it is unsafe to be controlled by feeling or
impulse.” CS 25
• “If you form too high an opinion of yourself, you will think that your labors are of more real
consequence than they are, and you will plead individual independence which borders on
arrogance. If you go to the other extreme and form too low an opinion of yourself, you will feel
inferior and will leave an impression of inferiority which will greatly limit the influence that you
might have for good. You should avoid either extreme. Feelings should not control you;
circumstances should not affect you. You may form a correct estimate of yourself, one which will
prove a safeguard from both extremes. You may be dignified without vain self-confidence; you
may be condescending and yielding without sacrificing self-respect or individual independence,
and your life may be of great influence with those in the higher as well as the lower walks of life.”
3T 506
13. Rationalization
• “They don't pay me enough, so I can go 15 minutes early.”

• “Samuel is late. The people are restless. I must offer a sacrifice.”
14. Oversimplifying and Compartmentalizing
• Fitting life into nice little packages

1. “If I always make the right decision, I will be okay.”
• Rebuttal
1. The whole person with all their aspects is important (i.e. motives)
15. Intellectualization
• Characteristics
1. When confronted with pain, making a philosophy regarding pain instead of feeling pain
and being comforted
2. Common when unable to trust others or God with emotions
• Dangers
1. Leads to suppressed emotions
2. Contributes to personal dishonesty about true feelings (example: women at the well in John
4 – see comments in DA)

Common Faulty Thinking Patterns of Christians
Christians can have false assumptions, too. These are based upon an incomplete understanding of all the
principles of God. They may have some truth at times but are incomplete and can work havoc in our
lives.
1. “It is selfish to have my needs met. Others should always come first.”
• Phil. 2:4, Gal. 6:2, 5
• “Self-development is our first duty to God and man.” CDF 14
• “Unselfishness underlies true development.” CT
2. “If I'm spiritual enough, I will have no pain. All pain is a result of my sinfulness.”
• Pain should be avoided at all cost
3. “If I change my behavior, I will grow emotionally and spiritually.”
• This ignores that God wants us to “be” not merely perform. (5T 310; Mt. 23:25, 26; Phil.
2:3)
• It discounts the place motives, thoughts, and feelings have in our character – however, as
we said in our first lesson, behavior influences the brain and mind
4. “I just need to give it to the Lord.”
• De-emphasizes repentance, accountability, and efforts in searching for the answers (Prov.
2:4)
5. “Just leave the past behind. Don't think about it.”
• See previous section
• Phil. 3:3-14 – Paul leaving behind his old, legalistic way of trying to require righteousness
6. “If I have God, I don't need people.”
• 2 Cor. 1:3-11; Phil. 2:25-30; Acts 28:15; Eccl. 4:9-10; 1 Cor. 12; 2 Cor. 2:7
• We should not dictate how God will work – many times He works through people
• The Bible admonishes, “Be subject to one another.”
7. “If I make the right choices, I will grow spiritually.”
• Right choices are essential to spiritual growth, but motives and intents are equally as
important (Matt. 7:18; Matt. 12:33)
8. “Just do the right thing.”
• Our doing comes from our being
• “The essence of all righteousness is our loyalty to our Redeemer”
• The gospel of John emphasizes relationships
• Matt. 7:16-27 describes the dynamics of relationships

Chapter 3: Core Beliefs
Core beliefs are what we believe within the deepest part of our being. They are our deepest motivations.
They are our gut feelings, even though we might be able to argue with them. Usually we are unaware of
them until the Holy Spirit, often through a crisis, reveals them to us. Cognitive psychologists have
identified several core beliefs that lead to depression, anxiety, anger, fear, or guilt. These core beliefs
control our motives, thoughts, actions, and relationships and lead to ungodly behavior because they
oppose the sovereignty of God in our lives.
________________________________________________________________________________
Conformity/Approval Beliefs
• Certain conformity, without surrendering principle, is necessary and good and promotes unity of
effort and goals. There is, on this side of heaven, a necessary conflict with good and evil. There are
also many unnecessary conflicts. Ellen White says that if pride and selfishness were laid aside,
most difficulties could be solved within five minutes. Persons with conformity/approval issues
see all conflict as evil and seek for approval until avoidance of conflict becomes a god, ruling
the motives.
1. “I must be approved by everyone for the things I do or I become anxious or depressed.”

2. “If people really knew me, they would think I was a terrible, weak, boring person.”
3. “I am fully responsible for the feelings of others.”
• Rebuttal: We are to consider other’s feeling and preferences, but they are not to
be the only criteria for making decisions. If I make my decision based solely on
pleasing others, I cannot make a decision based upon what is right.
4. “Others will love me more if I am always giving.”
5. “Others are bound to reject me, so why get attached?”
• Dangers
1. Conformity beliefs are the basis for dependent behaviors, conforming behaviors, and
ungodly compromise. They degrade godly religion and counterfeit our genuine
dependence upon God.
2. It is difficult to do right and to hold on to godly principles if we are afraid of others’
opinions.
3. Conflicts call into question our beliefs and prompt us to reassess, refine, and affirm them.
If we had no conflicts, would we do this?
• Biblical references
1. Aaron, the woman at the well, and Peter each showed, at times, ungodly conformity
(Galatians 2)
2. Romans 12:2,4; 14:7; Phil. 2:1,2
• Ellen White – Conflict

1. “Stand in your God-given personality. Be no other person’s shadow. Expect that the Lord
will work in and by and through you.” MH 499
2. “He who has to deal with persons differing so widely in character, disposition, and
temperament will have trials, perplexities, and collisions, when he does his best.” 4T 555

3. “The very conflicts and rebuffs we meet are to make us stronger and give stability to our
faith. We are not to be swayed, like a reed in the wind, by every passing influence. Our
souls, warmed and invigorated by the truths of the gospel, shed their fragrance upon others.
Clad in the whole armor of righteousness, we can meet any influence and our purity
remains untarnished.” 4T 557
4. “It is the nicest and most critical work ever given to mortals, to deal with minds. Those
who engage in this work should have clear discernment and good powers of
discrimination. True independence of mind is an element entirely different from rashness.
That quality of independence which leads to a cautious, prayerful, deliberate opinion
should not be easily yielded, not until the evidence is sufficiently strong to make it certain
that we are wrong. This independence will keep the mind calm and unchangeable amid the
multitudinous errors which prevail, and even lead those in responsible positions to look
carefully at the evidence on every side, and not be swayed by the influence of others, or by
the surroundings, to form conclusions without intelligent, thorough knowledge of all the
circumstances.” 3T 104-5
5. “Men of might and power in this cause, whom God will use to His glory, are those who
have been opposed, baffled, and thwarted in their plans.” 3T 494
6. “You may be condescending and yielding without sacrificing self-respect or individual
independence…” 3T 506
7. “Real experience is a variety of careful experiments made with the mind freed from
prejudice, and uncontrolled by previously established opinions and habits. The results are
marked with careful solicitude and an anxious desire to learn, to improve, and to reform on
every habit that is not in harmony with physical and moral law… A fair trial by actual
experiment and thorough investigation, with knowledge of the principle involved in the
action.” 3T 69
• Ellen White – Unity and Interdependence

1. “By mutual contact, our minds should receive polish and refinement. We are dependent
upon one another, closely bound together by the ties of human brotherhood.
Heaven, forming each on other to depend,
A master, or a servant, or a friend,
Bids each on other for assistance call,
Till one man's weakness grows the strength of all.” MH 495
2. “When the practices of the people do not come in conflict with the law of God, you may
conform to them. If the workers fail to do this, they will not only hinder their own work,
but they will place stumbling blocks in the way of those for whom they labor and hinder
them from accepting the truth.” MCP 560
• Rebuttals
1. Example: One or two classmates don’t seem to like you. They rebuff you. You feel and
think, “No one likes me.” Of course, that is generalization and selective filtering.
• Generalization – Taking two people’s evaluation and perceiving it as a general
attitude toward you
• Selective filtering – Focusing on the negatives and not the positives (those who do
like you)
• Core belief – “I must have the approval of everyone I know” underlies this
extremist thinking (conformity/approval core belief)
2. Alternatives
• “Approval is nice, but not essential.”
• “Some people love me even when they don’t approve of my views.”
• “It is unrealistic to expect everyone’s approval – many of the godly men in the
Bible experienced persecution.”
• “God loves me whether or not I have approval from others – an eternal acceptance
comes from Him.”
• “Even when we do our best, we shall have collisions (see 4T 555) – men of might
and power in this work have been baffled, opposed, and thwarted (3T 494),
therefore, I should expect some obstacles.”
• “All the previous alternative statements are correct, but God, I want you to show
me if I have done anything to offend these people – do You want me to approach
them about it or leave it alone?”
• “God, why is their approval so important to me that it occupies my time and my
mind – do I make approval an unconscious god to comfort me?”
• Thought questions:
1. How is conformity different from cooperation?
2. Does cooperation include some conformity?
3. When can conciliatory actions counterfeit true peace making?
4. Can we be conciliatory just to avoid pain?
5. What light does the Biblical principle “…submit yourselves one to another…” have upon
healthy and unhealthy conformity?
6. What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy submission?
7. What are some “advantages” of conformity core beliefs?
________________________________________________________________________________
Performance/Compulsivity Beliefs
• Performance is important. As Christians we want to do all to the glory of God, because we love
Him. This type of core belief, however, centers around earning approval and does not tolerate
mistakes well.
1. Engages in unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others
2. Discounts the fact that people can learn from their mistakes
3. Can result in rigid thinking, anxiety, eating disorders, or addictive behaviors, placing
unrealistic demands on self and others
Unrealistic demands can lead to unhealthy defense mechanisms, pseudo-guilt, and anger. These
individuals have trouble accepting love and grace and extending them to others. They can become
impatient, legalistic, and arbitrary. Notice how these core beliefs discount God’s graciousness. In our
pride, we refuse to acknowledge our dependence on Him and our interdependence on others. Many
times, individuals with these core beliefs, become more interested in achievement than people.
Performance-oriented individuals struggle with competitiveness and legalism. Sometimes individuals
with this type of thinking (perfectionist) become afraid and unwilling to risk the mistakes necessary
to try new things and make a contribution. It makes them critical of themselves and it is difficult for
them to relax. They become disillusioned quickly.
• Performance-oriented thinking
1. “I should be competent at all times.”
2. “She is soooooo slow!”
3. You make a mistake. You yell “stupid” at yourself or someone else yells “stupid” at you
(or would like to).
4. Love must be earned with unusual accomplishments.

5. “I should be able to satisfy all my own needs.”
6. “I should be productive at all times. There’s no time for learning or mistakes.”
7. Perfection is the only acceptable standard.
• Biblical references
1. Paul before his conversion (see Phil. 3:3-6)
2. Pharisees
3. Nebuchadnezzar (see Daniel 4)
4. 1 Chronicles 16:34; Psalm 103:2-4, 8-13; Matthew 20:1-16; Luke 14:21; Zephaniah
3:19,20; 2 Corinthians 12:9; Titus 3
• Thought questions
1. Are there any real or false advantages to this type of thinking? What is the difference
between perfectionism and the perfection that Jesus extends to us? If I have this type of
performance-oriented thinking, what would be my attitude toward others and how would it
reflect back on me?
2. Would I, by engaging in this type of thinking, be making the things of my Father's house a
marketplace (see John 2:16)? In other words, do I say that the grace of God is for those
only who succeed? When Jesus said, “I am come to seek and save the lost,” He was saying
He was going to seek and save the “ruined” (original language).
3. How is the Christian's pursuit of excellence different from this type of thinking?
________________________________________________________________________________
Controlling Core Beliefs
• This kind of control thinking is ungodly because it doesn't respect God’s ability to rule and
overrule in our own lives and the lives of others. Controlling people often doesn’t respect the
ability of others to make choices. Controllers tend to use force, threats, and manipulation when
dealing with others. Imperative people can be smooth. They are not always rough. Some Biblical
examples include Pharaoh, King Saul, and the Pharisees.
1. “If things don’t go as I have planned, I am out of control.” (Self-control)

2. “If others don't do as I wish, they don’t care about me.” (Control of others)
3. “I must be strong because only the strong are loved.” (Self-control and control of others)
4. “If anything goes wrong, it is my fault.”
5. “No one can do it as well as I can. I better stick around.”
6. “I must be sure to correct any error I see in others.”
• Ellen White – Control

1. “Many of our people are in danger of trying to exercise a controlling power upon others
and of bringing oppression upon their fellow men. There is danger that those who are
entrusted with responsibility will acknowledge but one power – the power of an
unsanctified will.” CWE 71-72
2. “Do not, through impatience, cut the knot of difficulty, making matters hopeless. Let God
untangle the snarled-up threads for you. He is wise enough to manage the complications of
our lives. He has skill and tact. We cannot always see His plans; we must wait patiently for
their unfolding and not mar and destroy them. Seek for unity; cultivate love and
conformity to Christ in all things. He is the source of unity and strength, but you have not
sought for Christian unity that you might knit hearts together in love.” 5T 348

3. “He has strong traits of character that will need to be constantly repressed. If kept under
the control of the Spirit of God, these traits will be a blessing, but if not, they will prove a
curse.” MM 36
4. “While he makes God his strength, and loves and fears Him, he will be rightly balanced;
but as surely as he loses his connection with God and attempts to go in his own strength,
the same will that has proved a blessing will prove an injury to himself and to others. He
will become overbearing, tyrannical, exacting, and dictatorial.” Ibid.
5. “Man can make his circumstances, but circumstances should never make the man. Man
should seize circumstances as his instruments with which to work. He should master
circumstances, but should never allow circumstances to master him. Individual
independence and individual power are the qualities now needed. Individual character
need not be sacrificed, but it should be modulated, refined, elevated.” 3T 497
6. “Those who desire a fixed amount to do and a fixed salary and who wish to prove an exact
fit without the trouble of adaptation or training, are not the ones whom God calls to work
in His cause… Self-interest is the ruling motive.” MH 499
7. “We must work discretely and determinedly to adjust matters.” 12 MR 67
8. “If our brethren would consider the important matters pertaining to eternal life and eternal
death, managing of the smaller matters that they desire so much to adjust, would adjust
themselves.” 1 MR 58
9. “Those who are not willing to adapt themselves to each other’s disposition, so as to avoid
unpleasant differences and contentions, should not take the step.” (Referring to marriage)
AH 84
10. “The religion of Christ does not require us to lose our identity of character, but merely to
adapt ourselves, in some measure, to the feelings and ways of others. Many people may be
brought together in a unity of religious faith whose opinions, habits, and tastes in temporal
matters are not in harmony; but if they have the love of Christ glowing in their hearts and
are looking forward to the same heaven as their eternal home, they may have the sweetest
and most intelligent communion together, and a unity the most wonderful…” GW92 400
11. “In doing the work of God, you will be placed in a variety of circumstances which will
require self-possession and self-control, but which will qualify you to adapt yourself to
circumstances and the peculiarities of the situation. Then you can act yourself
unembarrassed. You should not place too low an estimate upon your ability to act your part
in the various callings of practical life. Where you are aware of deficiencies, go to work at
once to remedy those defects…” 3T 505
12. “Smile, parents; smile teachers… Unbend from your iron dignity, adapt yourselves to the
children’s needs, and make them love you.” AH 432
• Bible references
1. Jeremiah 18; Romans 8:32; Psalm 33:10,11; Proverbs 12;1
2. Isaiah 8:10; Isaiah 43:13; Isaiah 45:25,26
• Thought questions
1. What real or false advantages does a person have when in a control core-belief?
2. When a person acts from a control core-belief, what would be some results?
3. What do the above Scriptures teach us about control?
• Think-It-Through
1. Choose one core belief and find specific Biblical passages (not mentioned in class) where a
core belief was reflected in a person's behavior. How did it affect him or her? What were
the results? How did God intervene? Did the person realize his mistake in thinking?
Note: This assignment will help you help yourself and another person overcome a faulty
core belief. Of course, a person could have more than one. These core beliefs are at the
heart of our carnal nature and were not planted there by God. Jesus promises that every
plant which He did not plant, He will uproot (see Matthew 15:13).
________________________________________________________________________________
References
1. The Holy Bible

2. Allender, Dan; The Wounded Heart
3. McMinn, Mark; Cognitive Therapy in Christian Counseling
4. Townsend, John; False Assumptions
5. White, Ellen (a variety of sources)

Chapter 4 – Part 1: The Need for Dealing with the Past
Introduction
“In reviewing our past history, having traveled over every step of advance to our present standing, I can
say, Praise God! As I see what God has wrought, I am filled with astonishment, and with confidence in
Christ as leader. We have nothing to fear for the future, except as we shall forget the way the Lord has
led us, and His teaching in our past history.” CET 204
What does it involve?

1. Recognizing, confessing, and repenting of past sins and mistakes and placing them under Jesus’
righteousness
2. Making restitution when possible
3. Learning from mistakes and sins and developing foresight and empathy
4. Seeing how past events extend into our present lives and renouncing any false motivations,
distorted thinking, detrimental strategies of coping, or false covenants developed from past hurts
5. Detecting the presence of God even in past calamities and learning to comfort others
Why Deal with the Past?
1. The past shapes the present and the present shapes our future.
• “The lessons that the child learns during the first seven years of life have more to do with
forming his character than all that it learns in future years.” CG 193
• “The first lessons impressed upon the child are seldom forgotten. . . The impressions made
on the heart early in life are seen in after years. They may be buried, but they will seldom
be obliterated.” CG 193-4
2. Learn from it – see how God can bring victory out of defeat.
• “Life is like a voyage. We have storm and sunshine, but we bear in mind that we are
nearing the desired haven. We shall soon be beyond the storms and tempests. Our present
duty is to hearken to the voice that says, ‘Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart’
(Matt. 11:29). We must accept this invitation daily. The past is contained in the book
where all things are written down. We cannot blot out the record, but we can learn many
things if we choose. The past should teach us its lessons. As we make the past our monitor,
we may also make it our friend. As we call to mind that in the past which has been
disagreeable, let it teach us not to repeat it. In the future let nothing be traced which will
cause regret in the by-and-by. We may now avoid a bad showing. Every day we live we
are making our history. Today is ours, yesterday is beyond our amendment or control.
Then let us not grieve the Spirit of God today, for tomorrow we shall not be able to recall
this day; it will be yesterday to us.” TMK 89
• “Jesus Christ has plentiful help and grace for all who will appreciate it. The Lord is our
helper; with Him is forgiveness. He alone can blot out the sins of the past. He can
strengthen the mind. If we regard the past as no longer our enemy but as a friend to warn
us of the ground we should not approach, it will prove a true friend.” TMK 89
3. Hiding the past involves a form of dishonesty.

• Denial of the past is denial of truth. As the God of truth, God wants us to deal with truth in
the real world.

4. If God is trustworthy, He can deal with the past.
5. To know ourselves.
• “Self-knowledge will save many from falling into grievous temptations, and prevent many
an inglorious defeat. In order to become acquainted with ourselves, it is essential that we
faithfully investigate the motives and principles of our conduct, comparing our actions
with the standard of duty revealed in God’s word.” GW 246
6. To help us grow in the stunted areas of our lives.
7. To repent of false covenants and other sins.
• A false covenant is designed to protect us at all cost. It is based upon unrealistic
expectations. When these unrealistic expectations are not met, we become angry, depressed
or disillusioned with life. False covenants lead us to think in rigid ways and sabotage the
true covenants between God and us. In other words, they rule our lives like idols.
8. Improve some of our relationships.
9. Pull out the roots of bitterness. (Heb. 12:15)
• “Jacob was afflicted because he had made a mistake in his life. He was cast down to the
very depths. Alone, weary, dispirited, tortured by the recollections of his past errors, and
overwhelmed with apprehensions for the future, he laid him down to rest, his head
pillowed upon a stone. Had Jacob’s conscience been clear, his heart would have been
strong in God. But he knew his present perplexities, his fears and trials, were in
consequence of his sins. This reflection is what embittered his life. Jacob was repentant,
yet he did not feel easy under the wrong he had done. Through tribulation and through
physical and mental suffering he could only have hope to find his way again to the favor of
God.” TDG 323
• As Jacob struggled with the issues of his sinful past, God gave him a wonderful exchange
– his nature was changed from a deceiver to a prince of God.
• “This heart-searching question was necessary in the case of Peter, and it is necessary in our
case. The work of restoration can never be thorough unless the roots of evil are reached.
Again and again the shoots have been clipped, while the root of bitterness has been left to
spring up and defile many; but the very depth of the hidden evil must be reached, the moral
senses must be judged, and judged again, in the light of the divine presence. The daily life
will testify whether or not the work is genuine.” 5BC 1152
• “The tops [of the roots of bitterness] have been cut down, but the roots have never been
eradicated, and they still bear their unholy fruit to poison the judgment, pervert the
perceptions, and blind the understanding of those with whom you connect, in regard to the
message and the messengers. When, by thorough confession, you destroy the root of
bitterness, you will see light in God’s light. Without this thorough work you will never
clear your souls. You need to study the word of God with a purpose, not to confirm your
own ideas, but to bring them to be trimmed, to be condemned or approved, as they are or
are not in harmony with the Word of God. The Bible should be your constant companion.
You should study the Testimonies, not to pick out certain sentences to use as you see fit, to
strengthen your assertions, while you disregard the plainest statements given to correct
your course of action.” LS 326
10. To deepen repentance and give encouragement.

• “The Lord directed Moses to recount to the children of Israel His dealings with them in
their deliverance from Egypt and their wonderful preservation in the wilderness. He was to
call to mind their unbelief and murmuring when brought into trial, and the Lord’s great
mercy and loving-kindness, which had never forsaken them. This would stimulate their

faith and strengthen their courage. While they would be led to realize their own sin and
weakness, they would realize also that God was their righteousness and strength.” 7T 210
• “It is just as essential that the people of God in this day should bear in mind how and
when they have been tested, and where their faith has failed; where they have imperiled
His cause by their unbelief. . . are to be recounted, step by step. As God’s people thus
review the past, they should see that the Lord is ever repeating His dealings.” 7T 210
11. Unresolved conflicts from the past can undermine our health.
• “The relation that exists between the mind and the body is very intimate. When one is
affected, the other sympathizes. The condition of the mind affects the health to a far greater
degree than many realize. Many of the diseases from which men suffer are the result of
mental depression. Grief, anxiety, discontent, remorse, guilt, distrust, all tend to break
down the life forces and invite decay and death.” MH 241

Chapter 4 – Part 2: Dealing with the Past
Principles
1. The past teaches us helpful lessons

• “’Remember the days of old, consider the years of many generations: ask thy father, and he
will show thee; thy elders, and they will tell thee.’ Deut. 32:7. Life is like a voyage. We
have storm and sunshine, but we bear in mind that we are nearing the desired haven. We
shall soon be beyond the storms and tempests. Our present duty is to hearken to the voice
that says, ‘Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart’ (Matt. 11:29). We must accept
this invitation daily. The past is contained in the book where all things are written down.
We cannot blot out the record, but we can learn many things if we choose. The past should
teach us its lessons. As we make the past our monitor, we may also make it our friend. As
we call to mind that in the past which has been disagreeable, let it teach us not to repeat it.
In the future let nothing be traced which will cause regret in the by-and-by. We may now
avoid a bad showing. Every day we live we are making our history. Today is ours,
yesterday is beyond our amendment or control. Then let us not grieve the Spirit of God
today, for tomorrow we shall not be able to recall this day; it will be yesterday to us.”
TMK 89
• “God forbid that at this important hour we should be so engrossed with other matters as to
give no time to serious, candid, critical self-examination! Let things of minor consequence
be put in the background, and let us now bring to the front the things which concern our
eternal interests.” LHU 15
2. Respect and learn from the past, but don’t let it become the centerpiece of your life
• “Do not bring the disagreeable things of the past into your present life. Testify that life
with Christ is no failure… Dismiss Satan, walk with Jesus, and be complete in Him. Never,
never give Satan the satisfaction of taunting you or others that our faith is a deception, a
delusion.” UL 314 (note: “bring” is not necessarily “remembering”)
• “If you feel at liberty to moan and groan over bereavements, things that are past, out of
your keeping, things you cannot change or alter, you will neglect the present duties lying
directly in your pathway. Look unto Jesus, who is the Author and Finisher of your faith.
Turn your attention from subjects which make you gloomy and sad, for you become an
agent in the hands of the enemy to multiply gloom and darkness and you will make the
atmosphere surrounding your soul dark and forbidding. Although severe afflictions may
come upon you, it is your business to look up, and to see light in Jesus.” TDG 233
• “If you are exclusively engaged in dwelling upon your own sorrows and darkness, thinking
God has dealt hard with you, your religion is not uplifting but is depressing. You become a
shadow of darkness, hard and complaining, when exclusively shut up to your own
sorrows.” TDG 233
3. Focus on God’s providences in the past
• “Can we not, in view of the past, look on new trials and increased perplexities – even
afflictions, privations, and bereavements – and not be dismayed, but look upon the past and
say, ‘Hitherto hath the Lord helped us.’ I will commit the keeping of my soul unto Him as
unto a faithful Creator. He will keep that which I have committed to His trust against that
day. ‘As thy days, so shall thy strength be.’” Manuscript 22, 1889 (3SM 320)
4. Realize the past shapes the present and future
• “Do you not think all heaven would look upon you with pleasure if you should open your
heart to the pitying love of Christ? Elder A will brood over this matter and so will you just

as long as this difference shall live and be cultivated between you. But let every root of
bitterness be dug up and buried.” TDG 121
• “It is possible that you have mistaken views in regard to Elder A’s real motives. And again
you may think and talk and feel more than you should feel and you misapprehend your
brother.” TDG 121
5. Pull out past roots of bitterness from our lives
• “This heart-searching question was necessary in the case of Peter, and it is necessary in our
case. The work of restoration can never be thorough unless the roots of evil are reached.
Again and again the shoots have been clipped, while the root of bitterness has been left to
spring up and defile many; but the very depth of the hidden evil must be reached, the moral
senses must be judged, and judged again, in the light of the divine presence. The daily life
will testify whether or not the work is genuine.” 5BC 1152
• “The tops [of the roots of bitterness] have been cut down, but the roots have never been
eradicated, and they still bear their unholy fruit to poison the judgment, pervert the
perceptions, and blind the understanding of those with whom you connect, in regard to the
message and the messengers. When, by thorough confession, you destroy the root of
bitterness, you will see light in God’s light. Without this thorough work you will never
clear your souls. You need to study the word of God with a purpose, not to confirm your
own ideas, but to bring them to be trimmed, to be condemned or approved, as they are or
are not in harmony with the word of God. The Bible should be your constant companion.
You should study the Testimonies, not to pick out certain sentences to use as you see fit, to
strengthen your assertions, while you disregard the plainest statements given to correct
your course of action.” LS 326
________________________________________________________________________________
Dealing with the Past Successfully
1. Recognize and avoid the two ditches.

• Dwelling on it until past hurts absorb us. (1 Cor. 3:18)
1. “Do not bring the disagreeable things of the past into your present life. Testify
that life with Christ is no failure. . . . Dismiss Satan, walk with Jesus, and be
complete in Him. Never, never give Satan the satisfaction of taunting you or
others that our faith is a deception, a delusion.” UL 314
2. “If you feel at liberty to moan and groan over bereavements, things that are past,
out of your keeping, things you cannot change or alter, you will neglect the
present duties lying directly in your pathway. Look unto Jesus, who is the Author
and Finisher of your faith. Turn your attention from subjects which make you
gloomy and sad, for you become an agent in the hands of the enemy to multiply
gloom and darkness and you will make the atmosphere surrounding your soul
dark and forbidding. Although severe afflictions may come upon you, it is your
business to look up, and to see light in Jesus.” TDG 233
• Repression without processing it.
2. Justification is the key to dealing with sins of the past.

• “I rejoice in the bright prospects of the future, and so may you. Be cheerful, and praise the
Lord for His loving-kindness. That which you cannot understand, commit to Him. He
loves you and pities your every weakness. He ‘hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings
in heavenly places in Christ.’ It would not satisfy the heart of the Infinite One to give those
who love His Son a lesser blessing than He gives His Son. TM 518

• “Satan seeks to draw our minds away from the mighty Helper, to lead us to ponder over
our degeneration of soul. But though Jesus sees the guilt of the past, He speaks pardon; and
we should not dishonor Him by doubting His love. The feeling of guiltiness must be laid at
the foot of the cross, or it will poison the springs of life. When Satan thrusts his
threatenings upon you, turn from them, and comfort your soul with the promises of God.
The cloud may be dark in itself, but when filled with the light of heaven, it turns to the
brightness of gold; for the glory of God rests upon it.” TM 518
3. Learn to distinguish.
• When the hurtful past comes to you, ask: “Who is bringing it up and for what reasons?” –
When Satan brings up the past, he condemns us hoping that we will become embittered.
• When does God bring up the past? – “The true object of reproof is gained only when the
wrongdoer himself is led to see his fault and his will is enlisted for its correction. When
this is accomplished, point him to the source of pardon and power.” CG 223
4. Respect trials.
• Trials reveal hidden defects of character.
• “Our heavenly Father sees the hearts of men, and He knows their characters better than they
themselves know them. He sees that some have susceptibilities and powers, which, directed in the
right channel, might be used to His glory to aid in the advancement of His work. He puts these
persons on trial and in His wise providence brings them into different positions and under a variety
of circumstances, testing them that they may reveal what is in their hearts and the weak points in
their characters which have been concealed from their own knowledge. To men whom God designs
shall fill responsible positions, He in mercy reveals their hidden defects, that they may look within
and examine critically the complicated emotions and exercises of their own hearts, and detect that
which is wrong; thus they may modify their dispositions and refine their manners. The Lord in His
providence brings men where He can test their moral powers and reveal their motives of action,
that they may improve what is right in themselves and put away that which is wrong. God would
have His servants become acquainted with the moral machinery of their own hearts. In order to
bring this about, He often permits the fire of affliction to assail them that they may become
purified. ‘But who may abide the day of His coming? and who shall stand when He appeareth? for
He is like a refiner’s fire, and like fullers’ soap: and He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver:
and He shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto
the Lord an offering in righteousness.” 4T 84
• “The purification of the people of God cannot be accomplished without their suffering. God
permits the fires of affliction to consume the dross, to separate the worthless from the valuable that
the pure metal may shine forth. He passes us from one fire to another, testing our true worth. If we
cannot bear these trials, what will we do in the time of trouble? If prosperity or adversity discovers
falseness, pride, or selfishness in our hearts, what shall we do when God tries every man’s work as
by fire, and lays bare the secrets of all hearts?” 4T 85
• “God brings men over the ground again and again, increasing the pressure until perfect
humility and a transformation of character bring them into harmony with Christ and the
spirit of heaven, and they are victors over themselves.” 4T 86
5. Always think about the past in the context of God’s providences and promises extended to you and
to others. (See ref. on supplement, 9-14.)
6. Avoid the bookkeeping system in keeping records of past wrongs.
• “If you are exclusively engaged in dwelling upon your own sorrows and darkness, thinking
God has dealt hard with you, your religion is not uplifting but is depressing. You become a
shadow of darkness, hard and complaining, when exclusively shut up to your own
sorrows.” TDG 233
7. Make restitution, not atonement.

Self-Reliance
• “So far as possible, every child should be trained to self-reliance. By calling into exercise the
various faculties, he will learn where he is strongest, and in what he is deficient.” CG 39
• “Among the first things to be aimed at should be a correct position, both in sitting and in standing.
God made man upright, and He desires him to possess not only the physical but the mental and
moral benefit, the grace and dignity and self-possession, the courage and self-reliance, which an
erect bearing so greatly tends to promote. Let the teacher give instruction on this point by example
and by precept. Show what a correct position is, and insist that it shall be maintained.” Ed 198
• “They have not been trained to habits of self-denial and self-reliance as their safeguards in life.
Here is the great sin resting upon parents. They do not discipline their children and do not train
them up for God. They do not teach them self-government, stability of character, and the necessity
of a resolute, well-directed will. Most children, in this age, are left to come up. They are not taught
the necessity of developing their physical and mental powers for some good purpose, to bless
society with their influence, to be well qualified to adorn the Christian life, and to perfect holiness
in the fear of God.” 2T 647
• Men of power are those who have been opposed, baffled, and thwarted. By calling their energies
into action, the obstacles they meet prove to them positive blessings. They gain self-reliance.
Conflict and perplexity call for the exercise of trust in God and for that firmness which develops
power.” MH 500
• “Many become inefficient by evading responsibilities for fear of failure. Thus they fail of gaining
that education which results from experience, and which reading and study and all the advantages
otherwise gained cannot give them.” MH 500
• “Let the self-distrustful, whose lack of self-reliance leads them to shrink from care and
responsibility, be taught reliance upon God. Thus many a one who otherwise would be but a cipher
in the world, perhaps only a helpless burden, will be able to say with the apostle Paul, ‘I can do all
things through Christ which strengtheneth me,’ Philippians 4:13.” Ed 256
• “Nothing can give you such power, such true self-reliance and nobility of soul, as a sense of the
dignity of your work, an assurance that you are co-laborers with God in doing good and saving
souls.” 4T 615
• “Some with whom you are brought in contact may be rough and uncourteous, but do not, because
of this, be less courteous yourself. He who wishes to preserve his own self-respect must be careful
not to wound needlessly the self-respect of others. This rule should be sacredly observed toward
the dullest, the most blundering. What God intends to do with these apparently unpromising ones,
you do not know. He has in the past accepted persons no more promising or attractive to do a great
work for Him. His Spirit, moving upon the heart, has roused every faculty to vigorous action. The
Lord saw in these rough, unhewn stones precious material, which would stand the test of storm and
heat and pressure. God does not see as man sees. He does not judge from appearances, but searches
the heart and judges righteously.” GW 123
• “It should not be difficult to remember that the Lord desires you to lay your troubles and
perplexities at His feet, and leave them there. Go to Him, saying: ‘Lord, my burdens are too heavy
for me to carry. Wilt Thou bear them for me?’ And He will answer: ‘I will take them. “With
everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee.” I will take your sins, and will give you peace.
Banish no longer your self-respect; for I have bought you with the price of My own blood. You are
Mine. Your weakened will I will strengthen. Your remorse for sin I will remove.’” TM 519
• “Moral purity, self-respect, a strong power of resistance, must be firmly and constantly cherished.
There should not be one departure from reserve. One act of familiarity, one indiscretion, may
jeopardize the soul, by opening the door to temptation and thus weakening the power of
resistance.” CH 295

• “Through indulgence in sin, self-respect is destroyed; and when that is gone, respect for others is
lessened; we think that others are as unrighteous as we are ourselves.” 6T 52
• “The love of influence and the desire for the esteem of others may produce a well-ordered life.
Self-respect may lead us to avoid the appearance of evil. A selfish heart may perform generous
actions. By what means, then, shall we determine whose side we are on?” SC 58
• “Try to convince them that indulgence in this sin will destroy self-respect and nobleness of
character, will ruin health and morals; and its foul stain will blot from the soul true love for God
and the beauty of holiness. The mother should pursue this matter until she has sufficient evidence
that the practice is at an end.” CG 458
________________________________________________________________________________
Self-Control
• “You should control yourself. Never correct your children while impatient or fretful, or while
under the influence of passion. Punish them in love, manifesting the unwillingness you feel to
cause them pain. Never raise your hand to give them a blow unless you can with a clear conscience
bow before God and ask His blessing upon the correction you are about to give. Encourage love in
the hearts of your children. Present before them high and correct motives for self-restraint. Do not
give them the impression that they must submit to control because it is your arbitrary will; because
they are weak, and you are strong; because you are the father, they the children. If you wish to ruin
your family, continue to govern by brute force, and you will surely succeed.” 2T 259
• “Those who are close students of the Word, following Christ in humility of soul, will not go to
extremes. The Savior never went to extremes, never lost self-control, never violated the laws of
good taste. He knew when to speak and when to keep silent. He was always self-possessed. He
never erred in His judgment of men or of truth. He was never deceived by appearances. He never
raised a question that was not clearly appropriate, never gave an answer that was not right to the
point. He silenced the voice of the caviling priests by penetrating beneath the surface and reaching
the heart, flashing light into the mind and awakening the conscience.” GW 317
• “We must let Christ into our hearts and homes if we would walk in the light. Home should be made
all that the word implies. It should be a little heaven upon earth, a place where the affections are
cultivated instead of being studiously repressed. Our happiness depends upon this cultivation of
love, sympathy, and true courtesy to one another. The reason there are so many hardhearted men
and women in our world is that true affection has been regarded as weakness and has been
discouraged and repressed. The better part of the nature of persons of this class was perverted and
dwarfed in childhood, and unless rays of divine light can melt away their coldness and hardhearted
selfishness, the happiness of such is buried forever. If we would have tender hearts, such as Jesus
had when He was upon the earth, and sanctified sympathy, such as the angels have for sinful
mortals, we must cultivate the sympathies of childhood, which are simplicity itself. Then we shall
be refined, elevated, and directed by heavenly principles.” 3T 539
________________________________________________________________________________
Self-Forgetfulness
• “Many long intensely for friendly sympathy. God has given each of us an identity of our own,
which cannot be merged in that of another; but our individual characteristics will be much less
prominent if we are indeed Christ’s and His will is ours. Our lives should be consecrated to the
good and happiness of others, as was our Savior’s. We should be self-forgetful, ever looking out
for opportunities, even in little things, to show gratitude for the favors we have received of others,
and watching for opportunities to cheer others and lighten and relieve their sorrows and burdens by

acts of tender kindness and little deeds of love. These thoughtful courtesies, that, commencing in
our families, extend outside the family circle, help make up the sum of life's happiness; and the
neglect of these little things makes up the sum of life’s bitterness and sorrow.” 3T 539
________________________________________________________________________________
Boundaries and Individuality
• “There are rights that belong to every individual. We have an individuality and an identity that is
our own. No one can submerge his identity in that of any other. All must act for themselves,
according to the dictates of their own conscience. As regards our responsibility and influence, we
are amenable to God as deriving our life from Him. This we do not obtain from humanity, but from
God only. We are His by creation and by redemption. Our very bodies are not our own, to treat as
we please, to cripple by habits that lead to decay, making it impossible to render to God perfect
service. Our lives and all our faculties belong to Him. He is caring for us every moment; He keeps
the living machinery in action; if we were left to run it for one moment, we should die. We are
absolutely dependent upon God.” CD 56
• “Why are many of us so weak and inefficient? It is because we look to self, studying our own
temperaments and wondering how we can make a place for ourselves, our individuality, and our
peculiarities, in the place of studying Christ and His character.” 9T 187
• “None should consent to be mere machines, run by another man's mind. God has given us ability,
to think and to act, and it is by acting with carefulness, looking to Him for wisdom that you will
become capable of bearing burdens. Stand in your God-given personality. Be no other person's
shadow. Expect that the Lord will work in and by and through you.” MH 498
• “Jesus, Friend of Sinners. I would call your attention to the precious promises in the Word of God.
Not all who are children of God have the same powers, the same temperaments, the same
confidence and boldness. I am glad indeed that our feelings are no evidence that we are not
children of God. The enemy will tempt you to think that you have done things that have separated
you from God and that He no longer loves you, but our Lord loves us still, and we may know by
the words He has placed on record for just such as yours. ‘If any man sin, we have an advocate
with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous’ (1 John 2:1). ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and
just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness’ (1 John 1:9).” TSB 257
________________________________________________________________________________
Rights
• “Remember that children have rights which must be respected.” AH 306

• “Children have claims which their parents should acknowledge and respect. They have a right to
such an education and training as will make them useful, respected, and beloved members of
society here, and give them a moral fitness for the society of the pure and holy hereafter. The
young should be taught that both their present and their future well-being depend to a great degree
on the habits they form in childhood and youth. They should be early accustomed to submission,
self-denial, and a regard for others’ happiness. They should be taught to subdue the hasty temper,
to withhold the passionate word, to manifest unvarying kindness, courtesy, and self-control.” AH
306
• “The Lord Jesus demands our acknowledgment of the rights of every man. Men’s social rights, and
their rights as Christians, are to be taken into consideration. All are to be treated with refinement
and delicacy, as the sons and daughters of God.” MH 489
• “’He hath showed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do
justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?’ Micah 6:8. One of the very highest

applications of these principles is found in the recognition of man’s right to himself, to the control
of his own mind, to the stewardship of his talents, the right to receive and to impart the fruit of his
own labor. Strength and power will be in our institutions only as in all their connection with their
fellow men they recognize these principles, --only as in their dealing they give heed to the
instruction of the word of God.” 7T 180
• “Every false religion teaches its adherents to be careless of human needs, sufferings, and rights.
The gospel places a high value upon humanity as the purchase of the blood of Christ, and it teaches
a tender regard for the wants and woes of man. The Lord says, ‘I will make a man more precious
than fine gold; even a man than the golden wedge of Ophir.’ (Isa. 13:12).” DA 286
• “Let no plans or methods be adopted in any of our institutions that will bind mind or talent under
the control of human judgment; for this is not in God’s order. God has given to men talents of
influence which belong to Him alone, and no greater dishonor can be done to God than for one
finite agent to bring other men’s talents under his absolute control, even though the benefits of the
same be used to the advantage of the cause. In such arrangements one man’s mind is ruled by
another man’s mind, and the human agency is separated from God and exposed to temptation.
Satan's methods tend to one end – to make men the slaves of men. And when this is done,
confusion and distrust, jealousies and evil surmisings, are the result. Such a course destroys faith in
God and in the principles which are to control, to purge from guile and every species of selfishness
and hypocrisy.” TM 360
• “Jesus did not contend for His rights. Often His work was made unnecessarily severe because He
was willing and uncomplaining. Yet He did not fail nor become discouraged. He lived above these
difficulties, as if in the light of God's countenance. He did not retaliate when roughly used, but bore
insult patiently.” DA 89
• “We must learn that others have rights as well as we ourselves.” GW 303
• “It is in the order of God that persons of varied temperament should associate together. When this
is the case, each member of the household should sacredly regard the feelings and respect the rights
of the others. By this means mutual consideration and forbearance will be cultivated, prejudices
will be softened, and rough points of character smoothed. Harmony may be secured, and the
blending of the varied temperaments may be a benefit to each.” AH 427
________________________________________________________________________________
Choice
• “In Christ is vested the ownership of every man. Man should not be another man’s property. God
has bought mankind. One man’s mind, one man’s power, should not rule and control another’s
conscience. In the sight of God wealth and position do not exalt one man above another. Men are
free to choose the service of God, to love the Lord, and to keep all His commandments.” MS 126,
1901 (1BC 1106)
• “Without freedom of choice, his obedience would not have been voluntary, but forced. There could
have been no development of character. Such a course would have been contrary to God’s plan in
dealing with the inhabitants of other worlds. It would have been unworthy of man as an intelligent
being, and would have sustained Satan's charge of God’s arbitrary rule.” PP 49
• “God does not compel men to give up their unbelief. Before them are light and darkness, truth and
error. It is for them to decide which they will accept. The human mind is endowed with power to
discriminate between right and wrong. God designs that men shall not decide from impulse.” DA
458

Chapter 5: Dealing with Anger
Introduction
1. Why does anger make us feel uncomfortable?

2. Is all anger bad?
3. Is anger always destructive? Can it be used creatively?
4. Bible texts: Eph. 4:26; Matt. 7:41; Matt. 5:22; Matt. 7:1,2
________________________________________________________________________________
Causes of Anger
1. Righteous indignation
• “It is true there is an indignation that is justifiable, even in the followers of Christ. When
they see that God is dishonored, and His service brought into disrepute, when they see the
innocent oppressed, a righteous indignation stirs the soul. Such anger, born of sensitive
morals, is not a sin. But those who at any supposed provocation feel at liberty to indulge
anger or resentment are opening the heart to Satan. Bitterness and animosity must be
banished from the soul if we would be in harmony with heaven.” DA 310
• “It is a righteous indignation against sin, which springs from zeal for the glory of God, not
that anger prompted by self-love or wounded ambition, which is referred to in the
scripture, ‘Be ye angry, and sin not.’ Such was the anger of Moses.” TM 100
2. Carnal attitudes
3. Unmet needs (boredom, injustice, insecurity, envy, poor health habits, sickness, humiliation,
embarrassment, failures, rejection, insufficient privacy or space, frustrations, physical limitations, a
sense of hopelessness)
4. Misinterpretations and faulty thinking patterns (i.e. “When I’m angry, I become quiet – so when
you are quiet, you must be angry too”)
5. Unrealistic expectations
6. Rejection of God’s teaching
________________________________________________________________________________
Physiology of Anger
1. “But anger was cherished; for the time being, reason was dethroned and the heart was made a prey
to ungovernable passion.” 4T 431
2. “The influence of the mind on the body, as well as of the body on the mind, should be emphasized.
The electric power of the brain, promoted by mental activity, vitalizes the whole system, and is
thus an invaluable aid in resisting disease. This should be made plain. The power of the will and
the importance of self-control, both in the preservation and in the recovery of health, the depressing
and even ruinous effect of anger, discontent, selfishness, or impurity, and, on the other hand, the
marvelous life-giving power to be found in cheerfulness, unselfishness, gratitude, should also be
shown.” Ed 197
3. “When one once gives place to an angry spirit he is just as much intoxicated as the man who has
put the glass to his lips.” OHC 235
4. Anger compromises frontal lobe ability
• “The man who gives way to folly in speaking passionate words, bears false witness; for he
is never just. He exaggerates every defect he thinks he sees; he is too blind and
unreasonable to be convinced of his madness. He transgresses the commandments of God,

and his imagination is perverted by the inspiration of Satan. He knows not what he is
doing. Blind and deaf, he permits Satan to take the helm and guide him wherever he
pleases. The door is then thrown open to malice, to envy, and to evil surmisings, and the
poor victim is borne helplessly on. But there is hope while the hours of probation linger,
through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.” OHC 235
• Some are nervous, and if they begin to lose self-control in word or spirit under
provocation, they are as much intoxicated with wrath as the inebriate is with liquor.
They are unreasonable, and not easily persuaded or convinced. They are not sane; Satan
for the time has full control. Every one of these exhibitions of wrath weakens the
nervous system and the moral powers, and makes it difficult to restrain anger or another
provocation. With this class there is only one remedy,--positive self-control under all
circumstances. The effort to get into a favorable place, where self will not be annoyed, may
succeed for a time; but Satan knows where to find these poor souls, and will assail them in
their weak points again and again. They will be continually troubled so long as they think
so much of self. They carry the heaviest load a mortal can lift, that is self, unsanctified and
unsubdued. But there is hope for them. Let this life, so stormy with conflicts and worries,
be brought into connection with Christ, and then self will no longer clamor for the
supremacy.” YI Nov. 10, 1886 (3BC 1161)
________________________________________________________________________________
Common Responses Due to Anger

1. Withdrawing/avoiding/hiding – Jonah
2. Turning inward – King Saul, David
• Physical symptoms – headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attacks
• Psychological symptoms – fear, anxiety, tension, depression
• Thinking characterized by self-pity, thoughts of revenge, or ruminations on injustices
3. Acting out – Cain, King Saul
• Aggression – behavior that inflicts pain or pressure upon others
1. Direct aggression
• Blunt and forceful
• Voice becomes increasingly louder as convictions are voiced
• When something goes wrong, focus so sharply on fixing the problems
that others’ feelings are overlooked
2. Open aggression
• Arises from a focus that so strongly emphasizes personal needs that
there is a powerful insensitivity to the needs of others
• Explosiveness, rage, intimidation, blaming, bickering, criticism, or
sarcasm result
3. Passive aggression
• Anger is vented in subtle ways – gossip, forget what they promised,
refuse to cooperate, make “put downs”
1. When frustrated become silent, knowing it bothers other
people
2. Prone to sulk and pout or complain about people behind their
backs
3. When don’t want to do a project will procrastinate
4. Displaced anger
• Aggressive anger aimed at somebody who is innocent
5. Suppressed anger
• Characteristics
1. Very image conscious – don’t like to let others know problems
2. Even when feel very flustered, portray themselves publicly as having it all
together
3. Reserved about sharing problems
4. If a family member upsets them, can let days pass without even mentioning it
5. Have a tendency to be depressed and moody
6. Resentful thinking is common
7. Does not eliminate anger – accrues and reduces immune function
• Causes
1. Why do people have suppressed anger?
2. Have been taught their feelings and emotions are invalid
3. Sometimes feel morally superior
4. Can have an overall need for approval from respectable people
5. Fear retaliation
________________________________________________________________________________
Christian Assertiveness
“You have needs that are important. I also have needs that are equally important.” Christian assertiveness
recognizes that everyone has needs and these needs are important. It includes prayerfully choosing our
priorities and values and putting forth efforts to meet our needs in a godly way, being considerate of and
respecting others’ needs and desires as well. It is unselfish in that we need to recharge our batteries, so as
to give to others. We do not engage in meeting our needs in such a selfish way that we do not reach out
to others.
Facing anger in a Christian way means that I recognize it as such. I am willing to explore any issue of
personal fear or sense of inferiority that underlies the anger. I confess it to Jesus and seek to honestly deal
with the anger in a responsible way including appropriate communication and forgiveness.
________________________________________________________________________________
Mental and Spiritual Results of Bitterness
1. Makes us doubts others’ forgiveness

2. Burns the bridge over which we will need to cross
3. “The seeds sown there in some hearts are ready to spring into life and bear a like harvest. The tops
have been cut down, but the roots have never been eradicated, and they still bear their unholy fruit
to poison the judgment, pervert the perceptions, and blind the understanding of those with whom
you connect, in regard to the message and the messengers. When, by thorough confession, you
destroy the root of bitterness, you will see light in God's light.” TM 467
Overcoming Anger God’s Way
• Define the problem
1. Distinguish between righteous and unrighteous anger

• A violation of a God-given right can lead to appropriate and inappropriate anger.
Appropriate anger can deteriorate into inappropriate anger if expressed in
dangerous ways or when cherished. Legitimate needs can also deteriorate into
selfish demands when we are egocentric.
2. Get more information before responding
• If a person is in a hurry or under stress, say softly to him, “I'm not sure that I
understood what you are saying. Your thoughts are important to me. Could you
explain a little more?”
3. Ask the following questions:
• What exactly is making me angry? People do have a right to form opinions.
• Do I feel threatened or inferior by this event? Is it acceptable for me to feel so?
Why does this event make me fear the most? (Fear underlies much of anger – see
2 Tim. 1:7.) The spirit of fear is antithetical (opposite) to the spirit of self-control.
• Am I jumping to conclusions about the situation or person who is making me feel
angry?
• How might others, including the person who is angering me, view this situation?
• Is there another way to look at the situation?
• Are there things I can do to change the situation or change myself to reduce my
anger?
• “When self ceases to wrestle for the supremacy, and the heart is worked by the
Holy Spirit, the soul lies perfectly passive; and then the image of God is mirrored
upon the heart.” SD 142
• Deal actively with the anger
1. Strengthen the frontal lobe by increasing its activity

• “Through the help that Christ can give, we shall be able to learn to bridle the
tongue. Sorely as He was tried on the point of hasty and angry speech, He never
once sinned with His lips. With patient calmness He met the sneers, the taunts,
and the ridicule of His fellow workers at the carpenter’s bench. Instead of
retorting angrily, He would begin to sing one of David’s beautiful psalms; and His
companions, before realizing what they were doing, would unite with Him in the
hymn. What a transformation would be wrought in this world if men and women
today would follow Christ’s example in the use of words!” OHC 291
2. Check your physical lifestyle – impatience and nervous excitement breed anger
• Factors promoting impatience
1. Tea and coffee – CDF 421-2
2. Condiments – Te 57
3. Eating too often – CH 119
4. Intemperate eating
5. Too many sweet foods
6. Irregular meals or eating between meals – 2T 433
7. Being hurried – 2T 155
8. Suffering pain – 2SM 450
9. Increases with age, if not subdued – 1T 422 (many elderly have lower
levels of serotonin and compromised blood flow the frontal lobe)
10. Mother’s attitude toward child – CG 32
11. Physical inactivity – 3T 155
12. Imbalance of the nerves of emotion and motion – 3T 490
3. Beware of certain mindsets

• Fear breeds anger – 2 Tim. 1:7
• Pride breeds anger
• Inferiority breeds anger – Ps. 37:7,8
• Bitterness from childhood – Prov. 20:20
4. Physical suggestions
• Avoid stimulants – caffeine reduces serotonin and acetylcholine (interferes with
GABA metabolism)
• Plenty of exercise
• Slow deep breathing
• Catnip – 2SM 297
• Doing good to others – 4T 56, Rom. 12
• Warm or tepid tub bath
• Out-of-door work (i.e. splitting wood)
• Nature study – develops purity of heart
• Good breakfast – serotonin production
• Allow space for perspectives
5. Meet needs in healthy ways
6. Discount myths
• “I don't deserve to be happy.”
• “God should have stopped my problems.”
• “Letting go of my anger means I am conceding defeat.”
________________________________________________________________________________
Approaching the Offender (After Confronting Personal Issues)
1. Learn from Jesus

• “The Lord will help every one of us where we need help the most in the grand work of
overcoming and conquering self. Let the law of kindness be upon your lips and the oil
of grace in your heart. This will produce wonderful results. You will be tender,
sympathetic, courteous. You need all these graces. The Holy Spirit must be received
and brought into your character; then it will be as holy fire, giving forth incense which
will rise up to God, not from lips that condemn, but as a healer of the souls of men.
Your countenance will express the image of the divine.” 2MCP 578
2. Watch your attitudes
• “Jesus, when reviled, abused, and insulted, did not retaliate. ‘Who, when He was
reviled, reviled not again.’ When the cruelty of man caused Him to suffer painful
stripes and wounds, He threatened not, but committed Himself to Him who judgeth
righteously. The apostle Paul exhorted his Philippian brethren: ‘Let this mind be in
you, which was also in Christ Jesus: who, being in the form of God, thought it not
robbery to be equal with God: but made Himself of no reputation, and took upon Him
the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men.’ Is the servant greater than
his master? Christ has given us His life as a pattern, and we dishonor Him when we
become jealous of every slight, and are ready to resent every injury, supposed or real.
It is not an evidence of a noble mind to be prepared to defend self, to preserve our own
dignity. We would better suffer wrongfully a hundred times than wound the soul by a spirit
of retaliation, or by giving vent to wrath. There is strength to be obtained of God. He can
help. He can give grace and heavenly wisdom. If you ask in faith, you will receive; but you
must watch unto prayer. Watch, pray, work, should be your watchword.” 2T 426
3. See humility as a virtue of strength and a choice

• Voice opinions or set boundaries without condescension
• Acknowledge others’ separate needs
• Cultivate good listening skills
• Don’t sulk
• Deal with fear – “I’m afraid if I deny myself, I’ll be everyone’s doormat”
• Humility is other focused – Phil. 2
• When we speak assertively, it will be with the understanding that others still may opt to
disagree
• We commit to lifelong improvement while we will never have a problem-free life
• We see our unhealthy anger for what it is – self-destructive and harmful to others
4. Buy time if you are feeling angry
• “When you feel an angry spirit arising, take firm hold of Jesus Christ by faith. Utter no
word. Danger lies in the utterance of a single word when you are angry, for a volley of
passionate utterances will follow.” OHC 235
5. Avoid pride or self-sufficiency – check your communication skills
• “Sister F, if you are grieved because your neighbors or friends are doing wrong to their
own hurt, if they are overtaken in fault, follow the Bible rule. ‘Tell him his fault
between thee and him alone.’ As you go to the one you suppose to be in error, see that
you speak in a meek and lowly spirit; for the wrath of man worketh not the
righteousness of God. The erring can be restored in no other way than in the spirit of
meekness, gentleness, and tender love. Be careful in your manner. Avoid anything in look
or gesture, word or tone that savors of pride or self-sufficiency. Guard yourself against a
word or look that would exalt yourself, or place your goodness and righteousness in
contrast with their failings. Beware of the most distant approach to disdain, overbearing, or
contempt. With care avoid every appearance of anger; and though you use plainness of
speech, let there be no reproach, no railing accusation, no token of warmth but that of
earnest love. Above all, let there be no shadow of hate or ill will, no bitterness or sourness
of expression. Nothing but kindness and gentleness can flow from a heart of love. Yet all
these precious fruits need not hinder you from speaking in the most serious, solemn
manner, as though angels were directing their eyes upon you, and you were acting in
reference to the coming judgment.” 2T 52
6. Avoid vehemence
• “No sharp, critical, blunt, or severe words should be spoken. This is common fire and
must be left out of all our councils and intercourse with our brethren. God requires
every soul in His service to kindle their censers from the coals of sacred fire.” 2MCP
578
• Remember that by vehemence you will wound yourself. If under all circumstances you
will sit in heavenly places in Christ, your words will not be charged with bullets that
wound hearts and that may destroy life.” Lt 169, 1902 (2MCP 578)
7. A person does not always have to confront – Pr. 15:18, 19:11
8. Deal with any underlying fear – anger is always a secondary emotion

Chapter 6: Forgiveness
What is Forgiveness?
1. Recognition of hurt and injury and their accompanying feelings.

2. A refusal to dwell upon or nourish the injury.
3. A recognition of one’s own sinfulness and need for forgiveness. True forgiveness sees the offended
and the offender as being equally valuable (not worthy) to God.
4. A commitment to let God destroy the roots of bitterness.
5. Giving up the demands of revenge and perfect justice, without giving up accountability or suffering
consequences especially when consequences are necessary to learn to love righteousness and hate
sin.
• “Justice and grace are attributes of God's character. Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our
debtors.” Matt. 6:12. By this He did not mean that in order to be forgiven our sins we must
not require our just dues from our debtors. COL 247
• “Common sins, however insignificant they may be regarded, will impair moral sense, and
extinguish the inward impression of the Spirit of God. The character of the thoughts leaves
its imprint upon the soul, and all low conversation pollutes the mind. All evil works ruin to
those who commit it. God may and will forgive the repenting sinner, but though forgiven,
the soul is marred; the power of the elevated thought possible to the unimpaired mind is
destroyed. Through all time the soul bears the scars. Then let us seek for that faith which
works by love and purifies the heart, that we may represent the character of Christ to the
world.” Review and Herald, Dec. 8, 1891
6. Letting God handle the ultimate consequences of another’s wrongdoing. Real forgiveness trusts
God’s justice instead of our own vengeance.
7. A refusal to allow past or present injuries to be the motivation in a stunted, suspicious manner (this
doesn’t mean sacrificing caution).
8. Makes appropriate responses to the responses of the offender.
• Chooses to give up any obsessions regarding the wrongdoer.
1. “He will never do this to me again.”
2. “He will always owe me.”
• Not insulting the wrongdoer.
• Letting go of any illusions that might somehow control the wrongdoer’s life.
• Freeing oneself to focus on rewarding relationships and pursuits.
• Respond to their responses in a godly manner.
________________________________________________________________________________
What Forgiveness Is NOT
1. Superficial acceptance of a superficial apology in order to be conciliatory and escape painful

injuries.
2. Giving up accountability.
3. Forgoing wise boundary-setting.
4. Superiority to the offender and refusing to place him in a inferior condition.
5. Reconciliation without repentance.
6. Allowing others to continue to disrespect needs and boundaries.
7. Lying down and becoming a “doormat.”
8. Telling the wrongdoer that the past is no long significant and everything is fine now.
9. Denying that you may still have to live with pain caused by the wrongful deed.

Steps to Forgiveness
1. Cultivate the meekness of Jesus

• “Meekness is a fruit of the Spirit, and evidence that we are branches of the living God. The
abiding presence of meekness is unmistakable evidence that we are branches of the True
Vine, and are bearing much fruit. It is evidence that we are by faith beholding the King in
his beauty and becoming changed into his likeness. Where meekness exists, the natural
tendencies are under the control of the Holy Spirit. Meekness is not a species of cowardice.
It is the spirit which Christ manifested when suffering injury, when enduring insult and
abuse. To be meek is not to surrender our rights; but it is the preservation of self-control
under provocation to give way to anger or to the spirit of retaliation. Meekness will not
allow passion to take the lines.” ST, August 22, 1895
2. Realize how ongoing bitterness will ultimately hurt you

• “There are some things I wish to speak to you about with regard to your feelings toward
Brother A. You are in danger of feeling too strong over the supposed injuries he has done
you. But my brother, if he really did you a wrong, cannot you see that he will be the
sufferer and not you? I am sure you should act the Christian gentleman in this case and
forgive him and not allow any estrangement.” TDG 121
• “Will my brother remember his own great indebtedness to the Lord and how much he
needs His forgiveness and His pity and love? Will he remember that . . . if you forgive not
your brother his trespasses neither will your heavenly Father forgive you your trespasses
(see Matt. 6:15)?” TDG 121
• “Will you employ your skill in doing all in your power to be in union with Brother A?
Write to him as a brother. Break down every barrier and let there be no differences
between you. Love as brethren, be pitiful, and be courteous. I prescribe for you the love of
Christ to be taken in large doses and it will work a great change for it has wonderful
healing properties.” TDG 121
• “Do you not think all heaven would look upon you with pleasure if you should open your
heart to the pitying love of Christ? Elder A will brood over this matter and so will you just
as long as this difference shall live and be cultivated between you. But let every root of
bitterness be dug up and buried.” TDG 121
• “It is possible that you have mistaken views in regard to Elder A’s real motives. And again
you may think and talk and feel more than you should feel and you misapprehend your
brother.” TDG 121
• “Satan will be highly pleased to have you cherish an unforgiving spirit instead of drawing
together in even cords. But Jesus, who places a high value upon man, is grieved to see
division among brethren. I wish we could all be as Jesus has given us an example in His
life. He came not to destroy men’s lives but to save them. He used His powers to bless but
never to hurt. His words, His bearing, and His work were full of divine tenderness.
Nothing could disturb His absolute patience or rouse Him to vindictiveness.” Letter 46,
April 22, 1887, to Dr. J. H. Kellogg (TDG 121)
3. Understand motives/motivation (your own)

• Some people cling to bitterness because:
1. It makes them feel powerful (i.e. put-downs)
2. It gives them the excuse so that they can withdraw

• Bitterness is a choice. By engaging in bitterness, I am letting someone else pull my
emotional strings. I can choose bitterness or concentrate more on the qualities that I do
want to have in my character.
4. Address any fear underlying the anger (anger is a close ally to fear)
5. One key step in overcoming bitterness is to reject the value the offender placed upon us at the time
of injury
6. Consciously reject the negative value that the abuser or indifferent parent has placed on our lives
and replace it with God’s love – speeds forgiving and healing
7. The cross of Calvary, because it reveals God’s love and our wickedness, gives us perspective,
humility, and momentum as we struggle sometimes to forgive the perpetrator

Chapter 7: Self-Concepts
Personhood
• “Our first duty toward God and our fellow beings is that of self-development.” CDF 15
________________________________________________________________________________
Self-Respect
• How it is preserved
1. “Some with whom you are brought in contact may be rough and uncourteous, but do not,
because of this, be less courteous yourself. He who wishes to preserve his own self-respect
must be careful not to wound needlessly the self-respect of others. This rule should be
sacredly observed toward the dullest, the most blundering. What God intends to do with
these apparently unpromising ones, you do not know. He has in the past accepted persons
no more promising or attractive to do a great work for Him. His Spirit, moving upon the
heart, has roused every faculty to vigorous action. The Lord saw in these rough, unhewn
stones precious material, which would stand the test of storm and heat and pressure. God
does not see as man sees. He does not judge from appearances, but searches the heart and
judges righteously.” GW 122,123 (1MCP 255)
2. “Moral purity, self-respect, a strong power of resistance must be firmly and constantly
cherished. There should not be one departure from reserve. One act of familiarity, one
indiscretion, may jeopardize the soul by opening the door to temptation and thus
weakening the power of resistance.” 1MCP 256
3. “Never forfeit your self-respect by hasty, thoughtless words. See that your words are pure,
your conversation holy. Give your children an example of that which you wish them to be.
. . . Let there be peace, pleasant words, and cheerful countenances.” Lt 28, 1890 (CG 219)
4. “Those who are endeavoring to reform should be provided with employment. None who
are able to labor should be taught to expect food and clothing and shelter free of
cost. For their own sake, as well as for the sake of others, some way should be devised
whereby they may return an equivalent for what they receive. Encourage every effort
toward self-support. This will strengthen self-respect and a noble independence. And
occupation of mind and body in useful work is essential as a safeguard against temptation.”
MH 177 (1MCP 258)
5. “The sense of being owners of their own homes would inspire them [the poor] with a
strong desire for improvement. They would soon acquire skill in planning and devising for
themselves; their children would be educated to habits of industry and
economy, and the intellect would be greatly strengthened. They would feel that they are
men, not slaves, and would be able to regain to a great degree their lost self-respect and
moral independence.” HS 165, 166 (AH 373)
6. “It should not be difficult to remember that the Lord desires you to lay your troubles and
perplexities at His feet, and leave them there. Go to Him, saying, ‘Lord, my burdens are
too heavy for me to carry. Wilt Thou bear them for me?’ And He will answer, ‘I will take
them. “With everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee.” I will take your sins and will
give you peace. Banish no longer your self-respect; for I have bought you with the price of
My own blood. You are Mine. Your weakened will I will strengthen. Your remorse for sin
I will remove.’” Lt 2, 1914 (TM 519, 520)

7. “Jesus loves you, and He has given me a message for you. His great heart of infinite
tenderness yearns over you. He sends you the message that you may recover yourself from
the snare of the enemy. You may regain your self-respect. You may stand where you
regard yourself, not as a failure, but as a conqueror, in and through the uplifting influence
of the Spirit of God. Take hold of the hand of Christ and do not let it go.” Lt 228, 1903
(MM 43)
8. “Wherever principle is not compromised, consideration of others will lead to compliance
with accepted customs; but true courtesy requires no sacrifice of principle to
conventionality. It ignores caste. It teaches self-respect, respect for the dignity of man as
man, a regard for every member of the great human brotherhood.” Ed 240 (1MCP 255)
1. “Through indulgence in sin, self-respect is destroyed; and when that is gone, respect for
others is lessened; we think that others are as unrighteous as we are ourselves.” 6T 53
2. “By wrong habits he loses his power of self-appreciation. He loses self-control. He cannot
reason correctly about matters that concern him most closely. He is reckless and irrational
in his treatment of mind and body. By wrong habits he makes of himself a wreck.
Happiness he cannot have, for his neglect to cultivate pure, healthful principles places him
under the control of habits that ruin his peace. His years of taxing study are lost, for he has
destroyed himself. He has misused his physical and mental powers, and the temple of the
body is in ruins. He is ruined for this life and for the life to come. By acquiring earthly
knowledge he thought to gain a treasure, but by laying his Bible aside he sacrificed a
treasure worth everything else.” COL 108, 109 (1MCP 257)
3. “Those who indulge in such language [impatient words] will experience shame, loss of
self-respect, loss of self-confidence, and will have bitter remorse and regret that they
allowed themselves to lose self-control and speak in this way. How much better would it
be if words of this character were never spoken. How much better to have the oil of grace
in the heart, to be able to pass by all provocation, and bear all things with Christlike
meekness and forbearance.” RH, Feb 27, 1913 (MYP 327)
________________________________________________________________________________
Self-Reliance
• “Let the self-distrustful, whose lack of self-reliance leads them to shrink from care and
responsibility, be taught reliance upon God. Thus many a one who otherwise would be but a cipher
in the world, perhaps only a helpless burden, will be able to say with the apostle Paul, ‘I can do all
things through Christ which strengtheneth me’ (Phil. 4:13).” CC 367
• “So far as possible, every child should be trained to self-reliance. By calling into exercise the
various faculties, he will learn where he is strongest, and in what he is deficient. A wise instructor
will give special attention to the development of the weaker traits, that the child may form a well-
balanced, harmonious character.” CG 39
• “The highest duty that devolves upon youth is in their own homes, blessing father and mother,
brothers and sisters, by affection and true interest. Here they can show self-denial and self-
forgetfulness in caring and doing for others. Never will woman be degraded by this work. It is the
most sacred, elevated office that she can fill. What an influence a sister may have over brothers! If
she is right, she may determine the character of her brothers. Her prayers, her gentleness, and her
affection may do much in a household. My sister, these noble qualities can never be communicated
to other minds unless they first exist in your own. That contentment of mind, that affection,
gentleness, and sunniness of temper which will reach every heart, will reflect upon you what your
heart gives forth to others. If Christ does not reign in the heart, there will be discontent and moral
deformity. Selfishness will require of others that which we are unwilling to give them.” MYP 326
• “It is not a great work and great battles alone which try the soul and demand courage. Everyday life
brings its perplexities, trials, and discouragements. It is the humble work which frequently draws
upon the patience and the fortitude. Self-reliance and resolution will be necessary to meet and
conquer all difficulties. Secure the Lord to stand with you, in every place to be your consolation
and comfort.” 3T 80,81 (MYP 326)
________________________________________________________________________________
Dangers of Self
• “Great self-sufficiency was manifested by Peter when he confidently declared, ‘Though I should
die with thee, yet will I not deny thee.’ Peter supposed himself to be strong, but when the test came
he discovered that he was weakness itself. He had been with Jesus and had often obtained His help,
but past grace does not avail for present needs. Daily, hourly, we must have divine strength
imparted to us. We must trust at all times in Christ, dwell upon His words till we long to realize
their fulfillment in our own case. The reason that more power does not attend the proclamation of
the truth for this time, is that there is too much reliance placed upon the ability of man, too much
trust in the talent and tact of the workers, and not enough reliance upon the arm of Infinite Power.
The gospel of truth is not preached in demonstration of the Spirit and in the power of God. Self is
ready to take the credit if any measure of success attends the work, self is flattered, self is exalted,
and the impression is not made upon minds that God is all and in all.” ST, April 7, 1890 par. 2
• “The New Testament was not then written, therefore there was need of the greatest caution, that the
teachings of Christ might be imparted without adulteration. What a responsibility rests upon the
chosen men of God for this time; for they, too, are to train up others to succeed them in the
ministry, and they are also to see to it that self does not mingle with their work.” ST, April 7, 1890
par. 5
• “Satan beguiles men as now he beguiled Eve in Eden, by flattery, by kindling a desire to obtain
forbidden knowledge, by exciting ambition for self-exaltation. It was cherishing these evils that
caused his fall, and through them he aims to compass the ruin of men. ‘Ye shall be as gods,’ he
declares, ‘knowing good and evil’ (Genesis 3:5). Spiritualism teaches ‘that man is the creature of
progression; that it is his destiny from his birth to progress, even to eternity, toward the Godhead,’
And again: ‘Each mind will judge itself and not another.’ ‘The judgment will be right, because it is
the judgment of self.... The throne is within you.’ Said a Spiritualistic teacher, as the ‘spiritual
consciousness’ awoke within him, ‘My fellowmen, all were unfallen demigods.’ And another
declares, ‘Any just and perfect being is Christ.’ 2MCP 722
• “How vain is the help of man when Satan’s power is exercised over a human being who has
become self-exalted and who knows not that he is partaking of the science of Satan. In his self-
confidence he walks right into the enemy’s trap and is ensnared. He did not heed the warnings
given and was taken as Satan’s prey. If he had walked humbly with God, he would have run into
the trusting place God had provided for him. Thus in times of danger he would have been safe, for
God would have lifted for him a standard against the enemy.” Lt 126, 1906 (2MCP 725)
• “What a victory you will gain when you learn to follow the opening providences of God with a
grateful heart and a determination to live with an eye single to His glory, in sickness or health, in
abundance or want. Self is alive and quivering at every touch. Self must be crucified before you
can overcome in the name of Jesus and receive the reward of the faithful.” 4T 221 (2MCP 726)
• “God cannot connect with those who live to please themselves, to make themselves first. Those
who do this will in the end be last of all. The sin that is most nearly hopeless and incurable is pride
of opinion, self-conceit. This stands in the way of all growth. When a man has defects of character,
yet fails of realizing this; when he is so imbued with self-sufficiency that he cannot see his fault,
how can he be cleansed? ‘They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick’

(Matthew 9:12). How can one improve when he thinks his ways perfect?” 7T 199, 200 (2MCP
726)
• “Those who think that they can receive the blessing of God at this meeting [a council meeting in
Michigan] without humiliation of self will go away just as they came. They will have as much
perplexity as they had before. But, brethren and sisters, we cannot afford this. Let us humble our
hearts before God. Let us allow Christ to anoint our eyes with the heavenly eyesalve that we may
see. We do not want to be blind; we want to see everything distinctly. We do not want to be
marching one day toward Canaan, and the next day back to Egypt, and the next day toward
Canaan, and then back to Egypt again. Day by day we are to march steadily forward. It makes my
heart ache, it fills me with the keenest sorrow, to think of the precious blessings we are losing
because we are so far behind the light.” MS 56, 1904. (2MCP 727)
• “To know oneself is great knowledge. True self-knowledge leads to a humility that will open the
way for the Lord to develop the mind and mold and discipline the character.” CT 419 (2MCP 727)
• “’He that saith he abideth in Him ought himself also so to walk, even as He walked’ (1 John 2:6).
‘Now if any man have not the spirit of Christ, he is none of His’ (Romans 8:9). This conformity to
Jesus will not be unobserved by the world. It is a subject of notice and comment. The Christian
may not be conscious of the great change, for the more closely he resembles Christ in character, the
more humble will be his opinion of himself; but it will be seen and felt by all around him.” 2MCP
727
• “Those who have had the deepest experience in the things of God are the farthest removed from
pride or self-exaltation. They have the humblest thoughts of self and the most exalted conceptions
of the glory and excellence of Christ. They feel that the lowest place in His service is too honorable
for them.” 5T 223 (2MCP 728)
• “Wrongs cannot be righted, nor can reformations in conduct be made by a few feeble, intermittent
efforts. Character building is the work, not of a day, nor of a year, but of a lifetime. The struggle
for conquest over self, for holiness and heaven, is a lifelong struggle. Without continual effort and
constant activity, there can be no advancement in the divine life, no attainment of the victor’s
crown.” MH 452 (2MCP 728)
• “Let not self wax to great proportions lest the whole man be defiled. One leak will sink a ship, and
one flaw break a chain; so there may be some hereditary or cultivated trait of character that will
work in the heart and develop into words that will make an impression for evil which will never be
effaced. We are all building for eternity. Let the character have the impress of the divine in pure,
noble utterances, in upright deeds. Then the whole universe of heaven will behold and say, Well
done, good and faithful servant.” Lt 91, 1899 (2MCP 728)
• “If we keep uppermost in our minds the unkind and unjust acts of others, we shall find it
impossible to love them as Christ has loved us; but if our thoughts dwell upon the wondrous love
and pity of Christ for us, the same spirit will flow out to others. We should love and respect one
another, notwithstanding the faults and imperfections that we cannot help seeing. Humility and
self-distrust should be cultivated, and a patient tenderness with the faults of others. This will kill
out all narrowing selfishness and make us largehearted and generous.” SC 121 (2MCP 635)

Chapter 8: The Laws of the Mind
1. By Beholding We Become Changed
• How the mind changes! – Cor. 3:18
• “It is a law both of the intellectual and the spiritual nature that by beholding we become
changed. The mind gradually adapts itself to the subjects upon which it is allowed to dwell.
It becomes assimilated to that which it is accustomed to love and reverence. Man will
never rise higher than his standard of purity or goodness or truth.” GC 555
2. Adaptation of the Mind

• “It is the law of the mind that it will narrow or expand to the dimensions of the things with
which it becomes familiar. The mental powers will surely become contracted and will lose
their ability to grasp the deep meanings of the word of God unless they are put vigorously
and persistently to the task of searching for truth. The mind will enlarge if it is employed in
tracing out the relation of the subjects of the Bible to one another, comparing scripture
with scripture, and spiritual things with spiritual.” CT 460-1 (FE 127)
3. Effort Counts
• “For the mind and the soul, as well as for the body, it is God’s law that strength is acquired
by effort. It is exercise that develops. In harmony with this law, God has provided in His
word the means for mental and spiritual development.” Ed 123
• “God saves us under a law, that we must ask if we would receive, seek if we would find,
and knock if we would have the door open unto us.” 1SM 377
• “Action is a law of our being.” MH 237
• “It is God’s law that strength is acquired by effort.” Ed 123
• “The mind strengthens under the correct treatment of the physical and the mental powers.
If the strain is not too great, it acquires new vigor with taxation.” 7T 199
• Strength is gained in proportional to effort put forth. The mind, like a muscle, will
strengthen and expand by exercise. Likewise it will weaken and atrophy with disuse.
4. Temperance
• “The law of temperance must control the life of every Christian.” CH 101
5. Something Better
• “Something better is the watchword of education, the law of all true living.” Ed. 296
• “Overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21
• The tension of becoming is the tension which exists between our potential and the current
expression of that tension; in other words, the difference between what we are and what we
have the potential to become. This tension gives incentive to move, to grow. Or if we
ignore it, we have doubt, guilt, and depression.
6. Avoiding Neglect
• “It is duty to so educate the mind as to bring out the energies of the soul and develop every
faculty. When all the faculties are in exercise, the intellect will be strengthened, and the
purpose for which they were given will be accomplished.” 3T 32
• “Many are not doing the greatest amount of good because they exercise the intellect in one
direction to the neglect to give careful attention to those things for which they think they
are not adapted. Some faculties that are weak are thus allowed to lie dormant because the
work that should call them into exercise, and consequently give them strength, is not

pleasant. All the powers of the mind should be exercised, all the faculties cultivated.
Perception, judgment, memory, and all the reasoning powers should have equal strength in
order that minds may be well balanced.” 3T 32
• “If certain faculties are used to neglect of others, the design of God is not fully carried out
in us; for all the faculties have a bearing and are dependent, in a great measure, upon one
another” 3T 33
• “It is agreeable, but not most profitable, to exercise those faculties of the mind which are
naturally the strongest, while we neglect those that are weak, but which need to be
strengthened.” MCP 442
7. The Power of Words Reacting Upon Us

• “It is a law of nature that our thoughts and feelings are encouraged and strengthened as we
give them utterance.” MH 251
• “The words are an indication of that which is in the heart. ‘Out of the abundance of the
heart the mouth speaketh.’ But the words are more than an indication of character; they
have power to react on the character. Men are influenced by their own words.” DA 323
• “It is the little attentions, the numerous small incidents and simple courtesies of life, that
make up the sum of life’s happiness; and it is the neglect of kindly, encouraging,
affectionate words, and the little courtesies of life, which helps compose the sum of life’s
wretchedness. It will be found at last that the denial of self for the good and happiness of
those around us constitutes a large share of the life record in heaven. And the fact will also
be revealed that the care of self, irrespective of the good and happiness of others, is not
beneath the notice of our heavenly Father.” 2T 133
• Practical application: When I am tempted to think or speak critically, I will say to myself,
“I choose not be to critical. I will look for something to express positive about that
person.”
8. What We Give Will Return to Us

• “For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be
measured to you.” Matt. 7:2
• “A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his words, and the deeds of a man’s hand
will return to him.” Prov. 12:14
• “As you have done, it will be done to you. Your dealings will return on your own head.”
Obad. 15
• “Are you rendering Me a recompense? But if you do recompense Me, swiftly and speedily
I will return your recompense on your head.” Joel 3:4-8
• “According to their conduct I shall deal with them, and by their judgments I shall judge
them. And they will know that I am the Lord.” Eze. 7:27
• “He who curses his father or his mother, his lamp will go out in time of darkness… Do not
say, ‘I will repay evil:’ wait for the Lord and He will save you.” Prov. 20:20,22
9. Balance
• True education means more than the perusal of a certain course of study. It means more
than a preparation for the life that now is. It has to do with the whole being, and with the
whole period of existence possible to man. It is the harmonious development of the
physical, the mental, and the spiritual powers.” Ed 13
• For optimal performance and health, each component needs to be exercised in balance with
the others rather than the emphasis being placed on one or two to the exclusion or neglect
of others.

• Harmony in the activity of all four components results in the enhancement or enrichment
of each component.
• A detrimental effect or neglect of one component results in a reciprocal effect on the
others.
10. Order
• “Order is heaven’s first law.” 2SM 226
11. Action and Reaction

• “Divine wisdom has appointed in the plan of salvation the law of action and reaction,
making the work of beneficence, in all its branches, twice blessed. He that gives to the
needy blesses others, and is blessed himself in a still greater degree.” WM 301
12. Denial
• “It is an important law of the mind… one which should not be overlooked… that when a
desired object is so firmly denied as to remove all hope, the mind will soon cease to long
for it. And will be occupied in other pursuits.” MCP 419
• Practical applications: discipline, breaking bad habits, discouragement (“Hope deferred
maketh the heart sick” Prov. 13:12)
13. Kindness and Self-Sacrifice

• “Let the law of kindness be on your lips.” MB 98
• “Unselfishness underlies all true development.” CT 32 (Isa. 58:6-12)
• “The law of self-sacrifice is the law of self preservation.” COL 86
• “The law of self-renouncing love is the law of life for earth and heaven.” DA 20
14. Mutual Dependence

• “The law of reciprocal dependence and influence is to be recognized and obeyed.” 6T 242
• “None of us liveth to himself. This is the law of God in heaven and on earth.” 4T 56
Based on Mima Burghers’, A Life in Harmoney, 311 SE 4th St., College Place, WA; 1985

APPENDIX A: THE POWER OF THOUGHTS
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7
Ellen G. White, a world-recognized educator and keen observer of human nature, wrote, “If the thoughts are wrong, the
feelings will be wrong, and thoughts and feelings combined make up the moral character” (5T 310). Thoughts precede
feelings. The way we think, affects the way we feel.
Solomon observed, “For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7). This is especially true for the individual
suffering from depression. Distorted, faulty thinking patterns underlie all forms of depression. Although physical contributions
to depression should be addressed, unless the individual recognizes his or her faulty thinking patterns and replaces them with
healthy ones, he or she will never fully or permanently recover from depression.
In the 1900s, cognitive psychologists such as Dr. Aaron Beck identified several automatic, distorted thought patterns which
contributed substantially to depression and other mental diseases. However, long before science recognized these
relationships, God, in His Word, revealed that distorted thinking can result in significant mental distress. Studies show that
when a depressed or anxious individual identifies faulty thought patterns and replaces them with healthier ones, he or she
usually makes significant progress. Mental health and relationships improve, and the individual become more effective in
helping others who may be struggling with similar difficulties.
Faulty Thought Patterns
1. Mental or Selective Filtering
• An individual focuses so much on one aspect of a situation that he cannot see any other aspects. For example,
a wife is so upset at her husband for never washing the dishes that she becomes resentful and angry. She is
unable to consider that he clears and wipes the table and has very little time to help before needing to be back
at work.
• When the flaws of those around us tempt us to become irritated and angry, what a difference our attitude in
dealing with them would be if we stopped to consider their positive traits of character and looked for
blessings amid their shortcomings.
• God counsels us that "we need not keep our own record of trials, difficulties, grief, and sorrows. All these
things are written in the books, and heaven will take care of them. While we are counting up disagreeable
things, many things that are pleasant to reflect upon are passing from memory” (MH 487).
2. All-or-Nothing Thinking
• Fuels anger, anxiety, and depression. Everything is seen as extremes, with no middle ground. Some students
think, “If I don’t make an ‘A’ on this exam, I fail.” Young singles might be tempted to think, “I won’t be
successful unless I find a mate.” Advertisers say, “You won’t be happy until you have this new product.”
• The biographies of Saul and the prophet Jonah reveal many of the common, distorted thought patterns we are
plagued with today. King Saul engaged in all-or-nothing thinking when he tried to kill David assuming that,
“I must be the most popular man in the kingdom or I will lose my authority.”
• All-or-nothing thinking leads us to stereotype people of different races and creeds and instigate prejudice.
For example, the disciples were upset because others than themselves were working miracles (Mark 9:38).
This can lead to a rigidity that can cripple God’s work. We may think our way is the most efficient, the most
cost-effective, and the only logical option. But we must allow others to grow and experiment within the
safeguards of God’s principles so that all-or-nothing thinking does not limit God’s respect for individuality
and human choice.
• The prophet Jonah sulked in an all-or-nothing mode, “Lord, you should have sent down fire on the Ninevites.
You didn’t keep Your word. Now, they will regard me as a false prophet!” Jonah didn’t think the Ninevites
would believe him to be a true prophet and turn from their sins to grasp the mercy of God. All-or-nothing
thinking doesn’t consider that people indeed can learn from mistakes, especially when the Holy Spirit is their
tutor.
3. Disqualifying the Positive

• A cook receives the compliment, “My, this food is delicious!” The cook mumbles, “Oh, it didn’t turn out like
I expected.” When we graciously receive a compliment, it is possible that we could be spreading God's love
even more than if we dismissed it.
• Devaluing God’s love can promote depression. “Sure, God is love. But He really doesn’t love me all that
much. I’ve wasted my life and have made so many mistakes.” But God does love you or else He wouldn’t
have sent his Son on such an expensive errand to redeem you (see Desire of Ages, p. 668).
4. Attempted Mind Reading
• You wave at a friend, receive no acknowledgment, and think, “I’m being avoided!” One day I was having a
wonderful morning when my boss said to me very seriously, “I need to see you in my office tomorrow.” My
heart sank and waves of depression suddenly rolled over me. I prayed, “Lord, I feel so depressed and
anxious. Help! I don’t have funds to see my counselors, and my friends are away.” He asked, “What are you
depressed about?” I replied, “I’m afraid that my boss is upset because students have been complaining about
my classes, or maybe my hours are going to be cut.” I then realized that I was “mind reading,” and that my
boss probably wanted to talk to me because he would be absent for six weeks. My depression suddenly
vanished (and I soon found that my worries had been unfounded).
• Saul practiced “mind reading” when he thought David would usurp him of his power and become king. Ellen
White states that Judas thought Jesus would not allow Himself to be killed, but when forced by
circumstances, would deliver Himself. (see Desire of Ages, p. 720)
Faulty thinking patterns not only trigger depression and anger but can also lead to spiritual decline which may reach into
eternity. Instead of allowing these thoughts to manipulate our lives and emotions, may our prayer be like David’s: “Search me,
O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way
everlasting” (Psalms 139:23, 24). Jesus promises that “every plant, which My heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be
rooted up” (Matthew 15:13).
APPENDIX B: THE MOST EFFECTIVE MEDICINE

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.”
Proverbs 17:22
Optimism for Health
A cheerful heart includes realistic optimism. When you see a glass half full of water, do you think
“half full” or “half empty”? When you are overlooked for a long-desired promotion, do you submit to
thinking, “I’ll never make it,” or do you see the brighter perspective: More time to spend with your
family, opportunities to develop other interests.
Optimism leads to a hardiness that prolongs health. The universities of Helsinki and Turku along with
the University College of London did a large observational study assessing the protective effects of
an optimistic outlook on health. They found that individuals who scored high on optimism
questionnaires reported fewer sick days after a major life event (severe illness or death of a spouse or
family member) and recovered more quickly than those who scored low on optimism. In other words,
they found that optimism can assist in coping with major negative life events more successfully.
(Health Psychology. 2005 Jul; 24(4): 413-21)
What other benefits does optimism offer? A Dutch study consisting of 900 individuals, ages 65-85,
showed that those who reported high levels of optimism had 55% less risk of dying from all causes
and 23% less risk of cardiovascular death than those who reported high levels of pessimism. In
another study the University of Pittsburgh sought to ascertain the affects of life orientation on the
development of arteriosclerosis in the carotid arteries of middle-age women. They performed carotid

scans on 209 premenopausal women. Then, when the women were at least 5 years postmenopausal,
the university obtained a second scan. The results showed that optimistic women had significantly
less progression of atherosclerosis than pessimistic women.
Pessimism also reduces the efficiency of the immune system. Conversely, optimism improves the
ability of natural killer cells to destroy viruses and cancer cells and other parameters of the immune
system.
Compared to pessimists, optimists seem to engage in healthier habits. A Finish study involving
individuals 31 years old showed that men and women who scored in the highest quartile for optimism
ate salads, vegetables, berries, and fruits more often than those who were in the lowest quartile.
Pessimistic thinkers also ate less fiber and consumed more alcohol. Studies also show that optimistic
individuals report a higher quality of life, engage in more active coping, and adopt more health-
promoting behaviors than individuals who score low in optimism or are pessimistic. Other studies
show that a high level of pessimism signals an increased risk for depression and poor health in care
givers.
It has been shown quite clearly that whether one is young, middle aged, or older, optimism improves
health, and pessimism weakens it.
Steps to Developing Optimism

1. Cultivate gratitude and appreciation for what you have. Short of funds? You may still be better off financially than
millions of others living in the poverty of poorer countries. Didn’t get the promotion you wanted? You may be thankful
that you’ll be saved the headaches that accompany additional responsibility, and you’ll likely have more time to pursue
your personal interests. If you tend to be pessimistic, write down ten items, events, persons, or experiences that you are
thankful for each day.
2. Verbalize your blessings and gratitude. “Expression deepens impression” is a basic law of the mind.
3. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Pessimistic thinkers emphasize the negative events in their lives and
devalue the positive ones. Instead of enjoying what they have actually accomplished, they are frustrated with all that is
yet to be done. They pass over the lovely wild flowers and concentrate on the weeds and briers. A wife might fume
because her husband didn’t clean the sink after he washed the dishes. But it would do wonders for their relationship if
she thanked him for what he did do. She might fume that her casserole dish didn’t turned out perfectly instead of
enjoying the company of her guests. This type of thinking, called selective filtering, contributes to pessimism. The cure
for this detrimental thinking is a changed focus. While acknowledging the negatives of a situation, emphasize the
positives. For every minute indulged in fretting and fuming, spend five minutes exploring the positive aspects of the
situation.
4. Check your diet. Too much sugar or refined foods can cause a rapid rise and drop of blood sugar which can contribute
to cognitive impairment. Long-term use of caffeine can deplete serotonin (a neurotransmitter that contributes to
positive outlook) and norepinephrine (a natural antidepressant in the brain). Studies show caffeine can also lower the
threshold for irritability, discontent, and anger.
5. Pessimism is often rooted in anxiety and depression. Studies show that six weeks of daily aerobic exercise, especially
in the sunshine, significantly reduces anxiety. The exercise and sunshine improve serotonin production, a brain
chemical that promotes self-control and positive outlook. If anxiety and depression persist, see your health care
professional, but develop a healthy sense of humor and practice these tips.

A Healthy Laugh
A wholesome sense of humor is not only beneficial, but can also be used as a witnessing tool. “Then was our mouth filled
with laughter, and our tongue with singing; then said they among the heathen, The Lord has done great things for them” (Ps.
126:2). Perhaps if we had more “holy chuckles” God’s people would be more convincing to the unbelievers of His goodness.
Laughter increases the number and efficiency of natural killers cells and T-lymphocytes (special white blood cells that destroy
viruses and cancer cells), increasing the number of antibodies. Laughter, indeed, revitalizes the immune system. But that is not
all. Laughter improves the ability of the blood vessels to dilate and reduces stress hormones like epinephrine and cortisol.
Studies also show that humor, when used with sensitivity, can build bridges between patients and caregivers.
Wisdom and balance when dealing with humor are extremely important. The typical comedies offered by Hollywood devalue
the role of fathers (“Everyone loves Raymond”), women, families (“Desperate Housewives”), and edify none. Rather, they
deify the devil’s attributes. Programs such as these should be avoided at all costs. However, genuinely amusing experiences
occur in life and a sense of humor can balance life’s stresses. When I was learning to make mayonnaise and inadvertently
added active yeast instead of yeast flakes, I could have become frustrated and upset as I watched the white concoction come
pouring out of it’s jar all over the refrigerator, or I could have laughed as I cleaned up the mess realizing that I would never
make that mistake again.
Meekness: The Garment of Praise
Meekness is another essential component of a cheerful heart. Ellen White in Testimonies Volume 3, p. 335 expressed it this
way: “Meekness is a precious grace, willing to endure trials. Meekness is patient and labors to be happy under all
circumstances. Meekness is always thankful and makes its own song of happiness. Make melody in the heart to
God…Meekness is not silent and sulky. A morose temper is the opposite of meekness; for this only wounds and gives pain to
others, and takes no pleasure to itself.”
During my experience working at a hospital, I became friends with an attractive-looking and talented patient who struggled
with depression. One of the symptoms of her depression was the inability to make decisions. Every day she would ask me
what I thought she should wear. After the fifth day of being questioned, a promise in Isaiah came to my mind and I responded
with a quiet voice and warm smile, “How about trying the garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness?” My recommendation
elicited a warm smile and I hoped would achieve a similar change of outlook.
If you are optimistic, continue to spread your sunbeams in encouraging words. If you find that you are pessimistic about
present circumstances and future prospects, don’t be afraid to venture upon God’s goodness. His garment of praise is not at all
like the invisible covering of the naked emperor (who proudly paraded around in a specially tailored suit, or so he thought!).
Today we have the opportunity to replace negative thoughts and attitudes with positive ones. We must either choose the
garment of praise or the spirit of heaviness. Why not choose a rejoicing heart ruled and fueled by divine power? Rest and
healing will be your reward if you will receive that “merry heart that doeth good”—even better than a medicine.

APPENDIX C: OVERCOMING ANXIETY
“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known unto God.” Philippians 4:6
Uncontrolled anxiety robs the health. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder tend to have elevated LDL-cholesterol
levels, elevated blood fats, and a decrease of the beneficial HDL, all of which contribute to blood vessel disease. (1) Sustained
or chronic anxiety is associated with a significant increase in thickness of the innermost and middle layers of the common
carotid arteries – arteries important in nourishing the brain. (2) This thickening is usually caused by build up of cholesterol-
containing material. In fact, chronic high levels of anxiety could accelerate the development of atherosclerosis in these
important arteries. Those with anxiety disorders have high pro-inflammatory markers. This is important because inflammation
fuels chronic diseases.
Anxiety pales the stomach mucosa (lining) by causing the tiny blood vessels leading to the stomach to constrict. This
interferes with optimal function and can set the stage for ulcers. Stress slows the emptying of the contents of the stomach.
Studies on rodents suggest that rats genetically predisposed to anxiety have hypersensitive abdominal organs, especially the
colon. (3) High levels of anxiety also reduce the efficiency of the immune system. (4)
Dealing with Anxiety

By understanding what contributes to anxiety, we can gain an upper hand in overcoming it.
1. Distorted Thinking Patterns

In selective filtering, an individual usually focuses so heavily on one or more negative matters, that he/she cannot see the
positive. “My husband never really communicates with me.” “Only rarely does he tell me he loves me.” “My marriage is not a
really good marriage.” His spouse might overlook the fact that he has held down a steady job for 20 years, faithfully pays the
bills, changes the oil in her car, takes an interest in the children’s extracurricular activities, attends church regularly with the
family, and occasionally take her out on holidays. Selective filtering leads to discontent and anger because our hurts are taken
out of context of the greater blessings.
Individuals with all-or-none thinking have unrealistic goals because they tend to see everything in absolutes. There are no in-
betweens. Either red or blue. No pastels. No pinks or lilacs. They either fail or succeed. “I feel crummy. I didn’t make my
usual ‘A’. This ‘B’ makes me feel like I have failed.” This mode of thinking discounts the fact that we learn from our mistakes
and failures. Since it strikes God’s grace in the face, it can lead us to become intolerant of others’ shortcomings and sink us
into shame with our own ineptness. Our can relationships deteriorate because we become either impatient with others or
absorbed in pursuing unrealistic perfection to the neglect of significant relationships. Unrealistic goals cause intemperate
living. Intemperate living erodes our personal peace and the peace of our families. In all-or-none thinking, all mistakes or
conflicts are seen as inherently evil, instead of means from which we learn. This can produce anxiety whether we admit it or
not.
Mind-reading is another faulty thinking pattern which produces anxiety. In mind-reading, a person is sure he knows what
another person thinks. “She didn’t smile at me. She must be mad at me although I don’t know why.” This fails to realize other
reasons for her actions. Jean was a persevering middle-aged lady who had struggled with anxiety and depression for many
years. One day her boss approached her quite seriously. “I want to see you in my office tomorrow!” No smile. Not his usual
upbeat self. The week had gone quite well for Jean. Suddenly she found herself spiraling down into a severe, anxious
depression. She prayed. The question came to her mind, “What were you thinking before you got depressed? What is the
problem? There must be a problem with me. Was the staff unhappy with my performance? The rug is going to be pulled out
from under my feet.” Then she realized that she was mind-reading. She really didn’t know what her boss wanted. “Perhaps he
wants to tie up loose ends, before going on a six-week business trip,” she though. That ended up being exactly the case.

Overgeneralization is assuming that bad events will happen over and over or that things are always going to follow a certain
pattern. This will also produce anxiety. A person who was fired from his job once can relive that trauma every time his boss
wants to see him. “I lost my job once before. I will probably lose this one.”
Should thinking is setting arbitrary requirements without considering consequences. “I should be able to rear two children
alone, climb the corporate ladder, take continuing education classes, work out at the ‘Y’ three times a week, and keep a
spotless home. Many single workers have done this, so should I.” Not considering the consequences of the whirlwind of either
physical or mental activity accrues anxiety and eventually can leave us feeling bankrupt. Establishing realistic goals, and
evaluating costs and consequences of personal action makes us wiser and better able to prevent or handle anxiety.
One of the pivotal steps in overcoming anxiety is to recognize the faulty thinking patterns that contribute to it. (5) Many
professional or pastoral counselors can be of assistance. Since expression of our anxiety can deepen its impression on the
mind, it would be wise to voice our anxiety only to those who know how to help us. The psalmist suggests that it is always
appropriate to convey our anxieties, fear, and anger to God. Many times faith in a loving God can reduce the impact of stress.
2. Threat of Loss
Fear of loss reinforces anxiety. In order to overcome anxiety, we need to admit its underlying fears.
Conscious loss of a loved one, a physical capability, or a job, often reinforces anxiety and underlying depression. Fear of
losing someone or something valuable to us can propel us into the throes of a frenzied anxiety. When this happens to me, I
find it helpful to realize that in some ways I was happy before I even had the desired relationship or object. Teaching, for
example, is very dear to me. Sometimes I have nightmares about losing my job or the capacity to teach. Objectively however,
I realize that I was just as happy, even somewhat more happy, when I was working as a patient-care worker. I would be sad
for a little while if I didn’t teach, but there are other jobs, just as meaningful, that I could do that would give me a sense of
satisfaction.
Sometimes we have suffered losses of which we are unaware. We hadn’t missed them until it came to our attention that they
were gone. These losses can drag us into shame and embarrassment, pushing us off-balance into insecurity. Insecurity comes
in so many garbs that it is not always easy to discern. These may be especially painful when love and esteem have finally been
achieved – and then we lose them to some degree. What can we do when this happens?
It is truly humbling to write regarding these experiences of pain. Perhaps you have suffered more than I have. I hope not. But
some readers of this article have. I discovered a helpful suggestion one night when I was feeling especially anxious. I
considered each of my major losses, and to my amazement, for every loss I was able to realize a definite gain.
There was the loss, from a cruel mental disease, of my mother’s loving care. After spending much time and money working
through issues related to this, I can see that I am much more sympathetic and insightful than I would have been without this
experience. Then there was my indifferent dad. Years later, when he died, he left a small inheritance – enough to pay for a
couple of years of much needed counseling. A speech impediment and a form of audible dyslexia have limited me some, but I
certainly have taught foreigners how to read standard English. Their mistakes mirrored my mistakes well. My speech therapy,
it seemed, helped more people than just myself. Fortunately, I work for an institution, which has given me room to grow
professionally. Bounced from a job, I got another job in a rural elementary school in which I learned much that helped me in
character development and professional growth. Several years later, I lost a class I enjoyed teaching. I was determined to make
the best of it. I was given a more advanced class, and the research I did for that class made me a much more persuasive teacher
in the classes I currently teach. The list of my gains by losses could continue for another page.
We can confront the underlying fear of future loss by taking time to review how God has transformed the past losses into
some kind of gain. If we can’t see this in our own upheavals, we can listen to people who have. We can read inspiring
biographies of those who triumphed over losses. Study the Scriptures that show how God turned defeat into victory.
I remember hearing newscaster Maria Shriver give an inspirational graduation talk. She had taken a certain stand on an
important issue in one of the major news networks. She feared that it would cost her job. It did. The experience has proved
valuable to her, for she has known ever since, that she made the right decision and she will never have to struggle with that
same kind of fear again. She learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the going on in spite of fear. Peace of mind
doesn’t necessarily mean the absence of conflict or loss, but the consciousness of right doing and the eventual triumph of good
in the face of adversity.

Integrity Counts
Missing links in our integrity create anxiety. Integrity to principle underlies all true development. (6) I like to define integrity
as the harmonious movement of the intellect, the will, and the emotions, into the will and purposes of God. To the extent that
this happens, we have happiness and good mental health.
Character has a number of different aspects – the will, emotions, personal relationships, the intellect, and our physical being.
Usually, one or more of these lags behind the others, and this character imbalance fosters anxiety. We know we should do
differently, but somehow we don’t. The stunted area(s) in our lives produce anxiety. Sometimes it is sitting on a fence in the
valley of decision. At other times deeper, unresolved psychological and spiritual issues confront the soul. Sometimes God
allows disturbing thoughts to come to us, to prompt us to deliberately choose to eliminate contaminating influences that erode
character and contribute so much to anxiety. By acknowledging our weaknesses and working through character-dwarfing pain,
we can eventually learn to make decisions that are true to our chosen values, and using our talents in harmony with them, we
can avoid anxiety-producing guilt. (7)
Anxiety can also come from our subconscious past. A toddler is happily picking pink flowers. Suddenly, buzz, buzz, buzz.
Welts appear all over her body, and she struggles to gain her breath. Twenty years pass. She has been happily married. It is her
anniversary. She is looking forward to her husband’s return. He usually brings her such interesting gifts. But when she
receives pink flowers she feels utterly disappointed. Her mind seems to become vacant, then apprehensive. But – sudden
recognition and a flash of insight – no, these are not the same flowers as those of her previous encounter. Although the shape
is different, the color is the same and the size of the petals are similar to those she picked when she was so severely stung as a
youngster. She can’t seem to disassociate the insect stings of the past from the pink flowers of her anniversary gift because her
mind is working on an unconscious level.
It is helpful to recognize the connections of past events to our current anxieties and to realize that conditions are different. We
aren’t in the same environment. We are more mature in taking care of our own needs, and making necessary provision to
protect ourselves. In the previous scenario, that would be keeping self-injectable epinephrine handy to counteract anaphylactic
shock when bees and hornets are out.
Core Beliefs and Priorities that Contribute to Anxiety
Self-absorption is another cause of anxiety. We must certainly attend to our needs. But when my job, my health, and my goals
threaten to engulf me, I need to escape this tunnel vision. The remedy for this kind of anxiety is to become involved with
meeting the needs of other people and, with them, to develop a realization of the value of ministry and a habitual attitude of
ministry.
Perhaps you are not well yourself. Even flashing a smile, expressing genuine gratitude, or offering a sincere prayer makes this
world a better place for someone.
Sometimes having too many things to do triggers apprehension and worry. What to do if this is the case? Check your motives.
Psychologists have identified three basic core beliefs or motivations that produce anger, anxiety, or depression.
Conformity core beliefs lead us to try to please others to the extent that we don’t take enough time to protect our health –
physical, mental, and spiritual. This conflict easily creates anxiety.
With performance core beliefs we think that perfection in every single little thing we do is required. I was living in a small
dorm with the dean and her family. Our dean was a tough but loving lady. She had escaped Nazi Germany when she was only
three or four years old. She tells the story of how her foot was painfully inflamed with osteomalacia which made it very
difficult for her to walk. Her mother had pointed to the corpses surrounding them and said, “Do you want to be like these?
Don’t walk then! You must walk to keep alive.” Years later, happily married with two young children, this enterprising dean
would garden, can food, keep an immaculate home and supervise her young ladies well. However, she would end up with a
migraine headache every Sabbath after working all day Friday preparing a delicious Sabbath meal and laboring to make
homemade wheat rolls. Finally I said, “Molly, you don’t have to make the rolls every Friday. Take it easy. Cook simply.” But
no, to her, rolls on Sabbath was a family tradition and could not be broken. Eventually she did learn to relax and rest although
it took major set backs for her to learn this essential lesson.
We do want to do our work as carefully and thoroughly as possible, but we fatigue ourselves too often by thinking the niceties
of life are absolutely essential. We let our work define us, and drain our strength, when, really, our character and priorities
should define our work and promote health.

Or perhaps we are suspicious and competitive. “If I don’t take this opportunity, I will lose it and Jim will get ahead of me.” So
we add an extra load. Maybe we climb another rung in the corporate ladder at the expense of our health, our relationships, and
eventually our peace of mind. Such are the results of controlling core attitudes. Our distorted concepts of our mission can
obstruct our interpretation of who we are.
Identify your major long-term roles, and then from these goals, derive specific, immediate goals. If you are overwhelmed with
too many tasks or responsibilities, eliminate or delegate responsibility for goals that do not contribute to healthful fulfillment
of your mission. Remember to re-evaluate periodically to maintain realistic goals.
Suggestions for Dealing with Anxiety
1. Physical Lifestyle Habits
View only the positive, the true, and the noble on television. Much of what is shown on TV stimulates the adrenal glands to
release stress hormones that aggravate and perpetuate anxiety. We deliberately choose to lower our threshold to anxiety by
watching violent programs or movies, and living the action vicariously.
Eliminate caffeine. Caffeine magnifies the effects of adrenal stress hormones and messes up an important brain chemical,
GABA (gamma-amino-butyric-acid). This chemical helps us to focus and remain calm during stress. Caffeine can be a
contributing factor in post-traumatic stress syndrome. It lowers the threshold to anger and decreases the level of contentment.
Caffeine is bad news indeed for anxiety control.
Physical exercise helps. Twenty minutes of continuous walking (done for 10 weeks) improves anxiety. (9) Physical
exercise is linked to good health. Physical fitness can buffer against the harmful effects of mental stress. In the elderly,
exercise improves the quality of sleep, and the perception of personal control and self-efficacy. It helps control an inherited
tendency to anxiety and also increases contentment.
Physical problems like overactive thyroid activity, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, heart failure, heart valve prolapse,
vitamin B12 deficiency, withdrawal of certain drugs, and other problems could be the source of anxiety and should be ruled out
by a competent physician and appropriate testing.
2. Abiding Trust in God
Trust in Divine Providence reduces anxiety. Juanita was a dynamic, active church member and a mother of three active
teenagers. Many years ago she had been involved in a car accident and suffered such serious headaches she feared she was
losing her sanity. One doctor after another could offer her no cure for such terrible pain. (This was in the mid-20th century,
before CAT scans were available.) She feared long-term institutionalization. “Who will take care of my precious children?
My husband is gone so often because of his job. I must do something or I will lose my mind.” As a Christian, she decided she
must break down the pain in her life into five-minute intervals. The end of each five minutes was punctuated by a short prayer.
She remembered that the highest mountain is conquered step by step.
This step-by-step approach, reinforced by faith in God, accomplished what no other therapy had. Slowly she improved until
one day she realized she had no more headaches. Her experience led her to venture out on a faith ministry that helped her
reach some of the unfortunate people in New York City. Many times there were no funds and sometimes vehicles necessary
for her ministry broke down, but she never indulged in anxiety or complaining. God always in some unpredictable way
provided.
Anxiety can nullify the benefits of our faith, but it doesn’t necessarily. Anxiety signals something is wrong. Perhaps it signals
a physical disease, a distorted thought pattern, a misplaced priority, or a psuedo-god. If anxiety is honestly acknowledged, its
causes ascertained and sufficiently recognized, we actually can become stronger in our faith. As the psalmist, states “What
time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee.” Ps. 56:3
You, too, by understanding some causes of anxiety, making the suggested changes in thinking and behavior patterns, and
instigating the positive measures we have discussed, can overcome anxiety. And this can be done in a way that builds a
balanced, trusting, cheerful, helpful character and personality – a whole, sound person – spiritually, socially, mentally,
physically.
REFERENCES

1. Sevincok, L. et al., Serum lipid concentrations in patients with comorbid generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive
disorder. Can J Psychiatry, 46(1):68-71, 2001, abs.
2. Paterniti, S., et al., Sustained anxiety and 4-year progression of carotid atherosclerosis. Arterioscler Thromb Vasc Biol,
2191):136-41, 2001, abs.
3. Gunter, W.D., et al., Evidence for visceral hypersensitivity in high-anxiety rats. Physiol Behav, 69(3):379-82, 2000, abs.
4. Hall, E.J., Want to Bolster Your Immune System? Lifestyle Will Help! The Journal of Health & Healing, 23(3):19, 2001.
5. McMinn, M.R., Cognitive Therapy Techniques in Christian Counseling. Word Publishing, 1991.
6. Chalmers, E.M., Healing the Broken Brain. Remnant Publications, 1998, p. 77.
7. Chalmers, E.M., Healing the Broken Brain. Remnant Publications, 1998, pp. 78, 79.
8. Spiller, G., Caffeine. CRC Press, New York, 1998, pp. 264-272.
9. Nieman, D., The Exercise-Health Connection. Appalachian State University, 1998, pp. 249-262
APPENDIX D: DIET FOR A DOWNCAST SOUL

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise
Him, Who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”
Psalm 42:11
Worldwide, 200 million individuals suffer from depression. In fact, almost one in four Americans suffers from some form of
depressive condition. It is no wonder that treatment for depression costs an approximate seventy billion dollars in America
each year.
Physiological Effects
Depression reduces the ability of natural killer cells and T-lymphocytes to destroy viruses and cancer cells. In fact, those
suffering from long-term depression can increase their risk of cancer by a factor of three! Depression increases the risk of
becoming diabetic, who in turn have an increased risk for developing depression. Depression increases the risk of dying from
a fatal stroke by 50%, increases the likelihood of developing high blood pressure between 50 to 200%, and for those who have
had bypass surgery, is a more significant factor than smoking, obesity, hypertension, or high blood cholesterol for developing
reoccurring heart disease. Depression increases the heart’s sensitivity to electrical disturbances, the risk of developing
osteoporosis, and ultimately, seems to affect all the body’s systems.
Depression is characterized by a persistent sadness that is difficult or unable to be overcome. Irritability, changes in appetite
and sleep habits, difficulty making decisions or plans and carrying them out, morbid thinking, gloomy feelings, and distorted
thinking are all common symptoms of an individual suffering from depression.
Long-term or severe depression destroys brain cells in the front brain. This is where spiritual themes and judgment,
consequential thinking, the will, and the ability to plan and execute decisions are controlled. When the front brain is impaired,
an individual experiences difficulty concentrating and making decisions. Studies show that during depression, the front brain
receives less blood flow. Electrical activity is repressed and less growth factor is stimulated for brain cell development. The
levels of brain chemicals, such as serotonin, a brain chemical necessary for positive outlook and nor-epinephrine, a natural
anti-depressant, decline. Certain structures found in the brain cells shrink, and nerve cells eventually die. If left untreated,
depression will shrink the front brain. Once neurons in the front brain die, they can never be replaced.
Within the temporal lobes, the hippocampus is essential for storing memory and is also involved in learning and regulating
mood. Depression, prolonged stress, and chronic anxiety shrink the hippocampus. Unlike the front brain, the hippocampus can
generate new brain cells. However, this is dependent upon a nutritious diet and a variety of physical and mental exercises.
The amygdala, which are also embedded in the temporal lobes, store fear-evoking memory. In depression, the amygdala are
overactive, and the individual becomes abnormally fearful.

Causes of Depression
Depression usually has several different causes, some of which require professional diagnosis. The physical causes for
depression could include genetic disposition, hormonal imbalances, mini-strokes, allergies, alcohol, nicotine, and insufficient
exercise and sleep.
Long-term use of caffeine reduces the capacity of the brain cells to make serotonin (essential for positive outlook) and
norepinephrine (a natural anti-depressant). Caffeine reduces blood flow to the front brain while increasing the metabolism of
brain cells and the demand for oxygen. Studies show that caffeine magnifies the effects of stress hormones and interferes with
production of GABA, a brain chemical that helps maintain calmness and focus under stress.
Excess sugar and fat reduce brain-derived nerve growth factor that protects brain cells and stimulates their development.
Eating sugar on an empty stomach is especially hazardous to brain cells. A candy bar or soft drink rapidly increases the blood
sugar triggering the pancreas to release large amounts of insulin which quickly lower the blood glucose level. Since glucose is
the only fuel for brain cells, a rapid glucose decline (even sudden drops within what would be considered normal levels of
blood sugar) impairs the ability of the front brain to function optimally.
Vitamin B12 is essential for efficiency of the brain. Even a low-normal amount of this vitamin may result in a decline in
mental functioning. Vegetarians should eat foods fortified with B12 or take B12 supplements. Most individuals only need an
average of 3-5 micrograms of vitamin B12 per day. Because it is stored in the liver, a dose of 50 micrograms twice a week is
sufficient.
Overcoming Depression
Each day eat a serving of omega-3 fats (flaxseed, soybeans, walnuts, or dark green leafy vegetables). Depression can result in
localized and systemic inflammation that can increase several pro-inflammatory agents in the body. One of them, C-reactive
protein, is a very useful marker in evaluating the risk for heart disease and stroke. Studies show that major depression
increases C-reactive protein in men. Daily consumption of omega-3 fats combats inflammation, helps to reduce the risk of
depression, and lessens its symptoms.
Enjoy a variety of complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, legumes, and whole grains). Carbohydrates increase the
production of serotonin, a brain chemical which promotes positive outlook, whereas a high protein diet can decreases its
production. A diet rich in complex carbohydrates can also reduce elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which is
commonly elevated in depression. Excessive amounts of cortisol reduce the production of key proteins necessary for optimal
brain efficiency and mental health.
Studies show a significant relationship between depression and the deterioration of fats (lipid peroxidation) in the brain and
other tissues, especially in females. Other investigations show that individuals suffering from depression not only have less of
the vitamins C and E in their blood, but also have more free radical activity in their brains. Eating fresh, colorful fruits and
vegetables and several ounces of nuts increases antioxidant activity in the brain while minimizing damage from free radicals.
Regular aerobic exercise and exposure to sunlight bolster the production of serotonin. Sunlight converts cholesterol in the skin
into vitamin D, which is absorbed by the capillaries in the skin. Studies show that both sunlight and vitamin D supplements
can enhance the mood and quality of life in individuals experiencing depression and anxiety during the winter months.
Feeling blue lately? Perhaps it’s time to take a closer look at our physical and mental diets. Or perhaps we’re “playing the
blues” in our heads. It is during these times that we need the Great Master Artist to mix the sunlight of His presence into the
blueness we feel, and we will find ourselves walking in green pastures beside still waters.

APPENDIX E: BURIED ALIVE
“When I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.”
Micah 7:8
This article is a humble attempt to communicate some of the answers to those who have been so often baffled, thwarted, and
thrown into a seemingly bottomless pit of endless pain from the past. It is one of those articles that if only read in part or if
read with interruptions, the incomplete part read will only serve to mock the whole.
Why deal with a painful past? Can’t it be ignored or forgotten? Wouldn’t that be a better alternative than having to deal with
the pain it produces?
A balanced perspective is vital. Too many of us have wasted the precious, present moments brooding over past hurts. The past
becomes the present that directs the future. It is as if we are trying to drive ahead to a somewhat hopeful destination by
looking into the rearview mirror. Screeeecch…..!!!
“Uh! What hit me? What did I hit? I’m so sorry! I must have lost my bearings. And I thought I knew the Baltimore area so
well!”
Someone yells, “This is Washington, you nut!”
Hurt people often hurt other people. More collisions follow. The past alone is definitely not a sufficient guide for the present.
Uncontrolled, unproductive focusing on past wrongs harms the brain. According to psychologist Elden Chambers, “Specific
thoughts generate specific patterns of brain activity.” If a negative thought reoccurs often enough, the brain develops a
“readiness potential” to engage in pessimistic activities. “PET scans have revealed blood flow that is sharply focused in a wide
variety of specific locations in the brain, depending upon a matching variety of attentions and selections.” We are capable of
activating any selected parts of the human brain at will. It is a law of the mind that in beholding a certain image, we conform
to it.
Yet it is because of the past that I am where I am now.
Suppose that on my way to Washington, D.C., I left my wallet hidden in a motel room. Fifty miles down the road I realize that
my wallet, with my three credit cards, a thousand dollars in traveler’s checks and cash, and my only picture of a beloved
parent, is left in the motel room. Wouldn’t I go back to try to retrieve it? Sure, I could cancel my credit cards. If I were
wealthy, maybe the cash wouldn’t make a difference. But there is only one picture of my beloved parent left in the world, and
I want that!
There are times in our lives when we will not be satisfied until we have retrieved that lost item of special significance. The
difficulty is to identify this remnant from the past, so valuable that we want its knowledge in the present or future. So, what is
valuable?
Mistakes, failures, and disappointments are valuable. Not that we want them to become the centerpieces of our lives, but if we
learn from them, they contribute to our peace and confidence in the present. We really don’t like it when our shortcomings and
failures become so apparent. We prefer to bask in seeming success.
But realization of our own failures can help us empathize with other struggling individuals. Appropriate accountability to
others enables us to evaluate our own priorities and methods a little more clearly in the light of heaven. When confronted by
failures and mistakes we have opportunity to affirm the true and reject the false within us. Without the privilege of being
baffled, thwarted, opposed, humiliated by failures, and given the opportunity of learning from them, we would also lose the
opportunity for growth.
Hurtful experiences often shape our perspectives, motivations, and intercourse with others. Shame may result. This exposure,
“unnerving and possibly undeserving” as it can be, “unearths the strategies we use to deal with a world that is not under our
control.” Engaged in work, alcoholism, unhealthy repression, or extreme pursuit of pleasure, some of us hide pain and
construct pseudo-gods to give us a sense of control and comfort. These pseudo-gods, like addictions and fantasy thinking,
never really solve the problems – they only perpetuate them. Calming the heart-cry of the soul, they thrust us into
consequential pain, thus increasing our guilt and shame. Avoiding pain, the issues merely accrue more interest and present
another mortgage for the soul at a later date. By that time, many of us feel that we can’t afford to be honest with ourselves or

God but may attempt to open ourselves to a safe confidant in our area of loathsome weakness. Without being honest to
ourselves, God, and others, we never will feel or know any true acceptance. To the extent we are willing to face the past,
discern between legitimate and illegitimate shame, acknowledge any true guilt, and give up our costly pretenses and misplaced
trust, will be our growth in integrity and meaningful relationships. Any psychological value or technique that would contribute
to high quality mental health must contribute to quality growth. Integration of noble character and personality traits require
inward as well as outward honesty. “Purity of purpose and integrity underlie all true harmony of thought, emotions, and
behavior.” I am more than my behavior. My thoughts, recurrent emotions, and purposes are essential in defining who I really
am.
The story of Elijah, as recorded in the Bible, reveals a loving God that often encourages us to rest in His love when our minds
are clouded with pain. Many times He builds us up physically and mentally before having us deal with some of the draining
issues in our lives.
If we refuse to acknowledge past injuries and recognize the resulting pain, we are unable to forgive. Forgiveness includes,
along with being honest about the hurt experienced, a refusal to nourish past injury, a commitment to work through roots of
bitterness with God, an openness to see how we might have negatively impacted the offender, and a refusal to let past hurts
motivate us in a negative, stingy, or stifling manner (cautiousness, however, can be beneficial). If we are not honest about the
hurt, we cannot honestly forgive. As someone has said, without forgiveness we “burn the bridge over which we all must
cross.”
However, a perspective from the other side is important, as well. Do I have such perfect insight and God-given sensitivity and
tact, that I have never wounded anyone? I try to keep current in my apologies, but because for so many years I didn’t have
God’s values and kindness, for me now to say that I don’t need to prayerfully and honestly reflect over my past actions is
tantamount to saying that I have dealt perfectly! Nonsense!
In the story of the woman at the well, Jesus first helped her to acknowledge her past so that her emotional and social health
could consequently be restored. We do not have the full conversation that went on by that Samaritan well recorded. (Jesus
knew how to keep confidence.) But we do know that Jesus turned the pages of her hurt life ever so carefully. In some ways, I
can relate to that woman.
“I just don’t get it!” Trapped again and again. Every time I experienced some success and just began to enjoy it, six months
later I would be trapped again. I felt as if I wanted to hide, literally, under my bed. “Why am I having to battle these feelings
again?”
But somehow, someway, sometimes, I knew God ass present. “Liz, it is not the adult in you who is trapped. It’s the little
children of the past inside of you.”* He then showed me the three-year-old afflicted with encephalitis, the 11-year-old
realizing Dad’s departure, the 13-year-old sobbing quietly in the cave of her mother’s paranoid schizophrenia, the 17-year-old
whose only social grace was to be quiet. Panicking, I phoned a friend.
“You must accept these little children and get help.”*
“But I can’t!”
“And why not?” she questioned softly.
“Because they give me so much pain!” Then I realized these children would be forever stunted, never growing into an
integrated, fun-loving, but responsible woman unless I could accept them honestly. *
Could it be that today as God is turning the pages of our lives, He sees our birthplace, our early childhood experiences – the
triumphs and the failures – and how our thoughts were shaped? He knows about hurts. He alone has the undistorted record of
our tears. In his prayer, David pleads with God, “Record my lament; list my tears on Your scroll. Are they not in Your
record?” Another psalm describes God’s ability to transform our tears into blessing. Psalm 84:6, 7 says, “Blessed are those
whose strength is in You, Who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca [literally, “valley
of tears”], they make it a place of springs’ the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, and
each appears before God in Zion.” Yes, God is ever present when we cry.
Perhaps you are the offender who has caused others much grief, and you feel sorry for the hurt you have caused. Perhaps you
are a hurt person inadvertently hurting others. There is hope for you! The children of Israel, because of negative thinking, lack
of faith, and disobedience were required to wander through a desert wasteland for forty years instead of two weeks to reach the

Promised Land! Most died before arriving, but they kept marching for their children’s sake and for the hope of a more
enduring kingdom. Sometimes, as the past surfaces to our minds, past regrets threaten to swallow us up. But remember the
words of hope in Isaiah 51:3. Insert your name into the promise. “The Lord will surely comfort _______________ and will
look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and
gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.” The desert wasteland, or as the King James Version
describes it, “the wilderness,” describes the slow learning of vital lessons essential to eternal life – the futility of disobedience
and the appreciation of discipline, repentance and perseverance. God, by the nature of His goodness, can turn past defeat into
triumphs. He reclaims the unfertile, barren deserts and creates a luxurious garden of serenity.
How does this happen? “But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord; I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not
gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have
sinned against him, I will bear the Lord’s wrath, until He pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into
the light; I will see his righteousness…Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant
of His inheritance? You do not stay angry forever, but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will
tread our sins underfoot, and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” Micah 7:7-9,18,19
This text tells us that our healing is based upon focusing on God’s goodness, acceptance of His disciplinary measures, and
persevering trust of His word. God provides new opportunities for us. He will guide us in unfamiliar ways, not just stick with
us in our well-worn ruts! (See Isaiah 42:9,16)
Maybe you, like me, didn’t really know God when the emotional trauma or the physical abuse happened. He, with His infinite
capacity to feel, felt it all. Worse than you or I have ever experienced it. He even gave a vivid word picture of this care in His
life on earth – enduring poverty, hardship, insinuations, and verbal and physical abuse. Could it be that God sees how our false
strategies of coping (to which we are so accustomed) lull us into what will become a nightmare of reality? Perhaps to save us
from being buried alive by an avalanche of worse pain, He permits discouraging circumstances or an unexpected crisis to
reveal to us the hidden, unrecognized, destructive motives, the base gods, and the false coping strategies. He does this because
He knows that if we walk with Him in honesty, surrendering the false, we will have such triumphant peace that the fear of
pain will never motivate us in a false and dishonest way. We will never again have to live in haphazard confidence.**
* I am not referring to multiple personalities. The term “the child within” is recognized jargon. In psychological circles, it
refers to the stunted development of an adult from a dysfunctional home.
** I have tried to give appropriate credit. However, I’ve read so much and internalized it over the last ten years that I cannot
remember specific each source. I am indebted to parts of Frank Minirth’s and Paul Meier’s book, Love is a Choice, for
defining a similar cycle. Dan Allender in The Wounded Heart and David Allen in Shattering the Gods Within each depicts a
fuller scope of the problem. I’m not saying that I agree with each minute point they make, but the books that they have
written, along with Christian counselors Larry Crabb, John Townsend, and Patsy Clairmont, have blessed me with growing
insight.

APPENDIX F: PROMISES TO BREAK
“He is the mediator of a better covenant, which was established upon better promises.” Hebrews 8:6
I remember it as if it were yesterday. The sun shining through the window highlighted my twin’s tears a little too much. I laid
on the other bed as she choked out her honest confession. I really didn’t want to listen to her, but some things just can’t be
avoided. “You know, Jeanie, nobody really loves me. No one pats my back or gives me a hug or kisses my forehead!”
“So what else is new?” I mumbled silently in my impatience.
“So I pat and stroke my own shoulders and arms,” she continued.
“Why do you have to be so very honest?” I chided her mentally. “Some things are not to be spoken about! Like anything that
makes my pain worse!”
Maggie continued to choke down her sobs. With the perfect logic of a seventeen-year-old, I concluded, “She looks ugly when
she cries, I am her twin. If I cry, I will look ugly, too. She is crying because she needs people emotionally. Well, I won’t ever
need people emotionally. So I won’t be caught looking ugly crying!”
So, I consciously entered into what I call my first “false covenant.” Little did I realize that it would propel me into a lifetime
of constraints. Nearing age fifty, having listened to scores of depressed patients and dozens of discouraged students, I have
discovered that the concept of false covenants is indeed quite a helpful one to understand.
What is a false covenant? A false covenant is a commitment an individual makes to himself for the purpose of protecting
himself. Often cloaked in a determined “I will never” or “from henceforth I will always,” it defies reality and breeds
unrealistic expectations. Since we can never live up to its unrealistic expectations, we often feel guilty and angry.
False covenants lead to rigidity that stifles the lives of our loved ones while compromising the quality of our own lives. They
are conclusions based upon false assumptions. In my case, the false assumption was that emotional needs with their
accompanying tears were intrinsically evil and shameful. My conclusion was that emotional needs and their ensuing
vulnerability should be avoided at all costs.
Many years ago, a very talented, beautiful, and caring lady sat across from me one wintry afternoon. She had fully confronted
the obstacles in her own life. A real go-getter, she didn’t let anything get her down. Not even the traces of a crippling infection
she endured as a child. Runner-up in a state beauty contest, skilled enough to be a professional violinist, respected for her
expertise in her local community, sought out by her peers, happily married and a mother for many years, and a staunch
Christian – why had she come to me in what she deemed “a collapse of faith”?
Several factors contributed to her sense of abandonment by God, but the root was a false covenant she had made as a very ill
seven-year-old. Seven-year-olds are in the stage of learning to apply their logic to concrete situations, but they are not yet
capable of applying it to complex abstract ones.
One thousand miles away from home, confined in a large dingy urban hospital, watching other, more fortunate children play
outside, she concluded “I must have done something very bad. I can’t think of what. I do remember being sent to my room
several times when I punched Billy, but I must have done something really bad to be separated so long from my friends. I
know what! I will be so good, that nothing like this will ever happen to me again!”
And good she was. Even when her father winced at her deformed foot, she vowed to excel and make it up to him. Being an
intelligent student, she made up for her lost year of school. Honor roll again even as mental illness accosted her family.
Valedictorian. Student body president. A high position in a major Christian organization. Married to “one of the most likely
fellows to succeed.” Master’s degree. Beautiful children. Outgoing, popular, charming, intelligent. She achieved still higher
and higher goals. Then a calamity struck her loved ones. She, who had been so instrumental in helping others deal with their
problems with grace and hope, felt as if she were flattened to the ground with her face in the mud.
It took a period of gingerly exploring her feelings and prayerfully reflecting upon her past for her to realize where the root of
her abandonment rage came from. Once my friend could realize and define her false covenant – “If I am good and do good
things, nothing like this will ever happen to me” –she could let go of her anger and sense of abandonment.

The belief that being and doing good should insulate us from life’s tragedies is a common one. Even Job expressed it. In our
own human scheme of justice, it sounds quite logical and concrete. However, it denies the inherent suffering of this world.*
My friend’s code of concrete logic from childhood inadvertently became her false covenant.
How can we deal with false covenants? The first step is to carefully and prayerfully examine our lives for any rigidity of
response. For me, I had to learn to respect my and others’ emotional needs – to see them as essential to each person’s welfare.
Reprogramming Your Computer
We must learn to identify and evaluate our premises based on a broad knowledge of the Biblical
principles of mental health. Many times a godly counselor or an insightful friend can help us define and
clarify false assumptions that lead to false covenants. Biographies of individuals who experienced similar
struggles and obstacles could prove valuable tools. Truth, when consistently and personally applied,
counters false assumptions and covenants.
With increasing maturity the mind can be compared to a very sophisticated computer with many files and
folders. We aren’t always cognizant of all the records of past years. Sometimes I sense that in my own
life as well as in the lives of others, God Himself pulls up a file and asks if we want to save, delete, or
edit it. He always wants to give us the choice. Perhaps you have recognized a false covenant you made,
purposefully or inadvertently. For the purpose of illustration, let me choose one I hear frequently: “I am
such a bad person, that I really can’t afford to have anybody know the real me. I must always mask my
pain, never revealing my hurt or failure. I must always be in control.”
That’s the old, false covenant, but God has a better one! One version of His covenant may read like this:
“You will be so secure in My love that you can afford to be genuine with Me and level with trustworthy
people. You then will develop a much better realization of your own worth.”
But even God Himself cannot superimpose His new and better covenant upon what we have previously
written. We must accord Him this privilege of erasing the false.
Yes, false covenants are difficult, and indeed uncomfortable, to break. Deliberately choosing and
conspicuously practicing better thought patterns takes time, but progress is made with each struggle in
replacing error with truth. Yes, the old covenant sometimes haunts me, but with one difference. With
every step ahead, I think, “Goodbye shame. I’m moving forward in freedom – the freedom to be the new
person God intended me to be.”
We can’t trust our promises or good intentions. They are ropes of sand because we don’t have, like Israel
of old, power, wisdom, or knowledge to accomplish them as much as we want to. We are foolish to make
rules and manipulate events to protect our loved ones and ourselves. We become wise when we accept
God’s eternal assurance policy. His principles will stand forever. The blood of Jesus underwrites our
eternal policy. May we accept His principles and promises instead of manufacturing our own covenants
of self-protection.
“Behold, the days come, says the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and
with the house of Judah…For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel and after those
days, says the Lord, I will put My law into their minds and write them in their hearts, and I will be to
them their God, and they shall be to Me a people.” Hebrews 8:8,10
“For all the promises of God in Him [Jesus] are yea and in Him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.” 2
Cor. 1:20

* The only satisfactory solution to this problem is found in the Bible. A loving and just God created a perfect universe,
including this world. One of His cadre became jealous, rebelled, tried to usurp His authority, refused reconciliation, and was
expelled from heaven. He succeeded in seducing mankind, causing man’s loss of his original home, happiness, and lives, for
these come only from God. The Bible reveals, however, that God still loves His human children and is always actively
reaching out to each one of us, no matter what our circumstances. But He is not arbitrary. He responds to our responses to His
offer of forgiveness and restoration.
Some of our suffering results from our own poor choices. At other times we suffer the results of others’ poor choices and the
convulsions of the political, social, and natural world as it speeds to the conclusion of the cosmic conflict between the Creator
and the rebels. God is with His faithful children no matter what kind of pain we experience. “In all our affliction He was
afflicted.” (Isaiah 63:9) The Bible depict a fast-approaching day when justice will be satisfied and perfect unselfish love will
be the universal basis of all life, and all who now choose loyalty to the Creator will be restored to the health, happiness, and
never-ending life that God planned for them.
APPENDIX G: DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

“Which in time past was to thee unprofitable, but now profitable to thee and to me.” Philemon 1:11
The simplest meaning of “dysfunctional” is “doesn’t work right.” Dysfunction comes in differing
degrees. Some dysfunctional things or people grate on one’s nerves just a little bit – like a squeaky door.
But when a situation involves individuals who must relate to each other or when circumstances are
perceived as intolerable, one of two things must be done: The situation must be modified (at least
partially) or the individual affected must be removed. For example, when a dysfunctional organ or
system of the body results in disease, a doctor must be seen as soon as possible in order to prevent further
complications or fatalities.
When families become dysfunctional, society becomes dysfunctional because the family is society’s
foundational unit. Alcohol, drug abuse, “workaholism,” mental illness, parental neglect, indifference,
abandonment, or the untimely death of a family member can all contribute to personal dysfunction and
dysfunctional group behavior. Even a physical disease like congestive heart failure can become so
serious that significant cognitive impairment, cantankerous attitudes, and impaired interpersonal
relationships can result, all because the blood vessels supplying the brain are not receiving sufficient
blood and oxygen for its needs. Like a genetic disease, dysfunction is frequently passed on in some form
from generation to generation. Its ripples can affect society affecting non-familial relations. They sap our
energy and resources, as would a chronic disease. The extent to which a specific family dysfunction
influences us depends upon the degree, timing, and context in which we received the abuse, injustice,
and/or injury, and our coping capacities.
In this article, we will gingerly, but openly, explore issues with which individuals from dysfunctional
homes have to contend and offer some suggestions which can promote healing, health, and happiness. I
choose to write from the viewpoint of an adult child from a dysfunctional family and from a Judeo-
Christian philosophy. However, the principles outlined apply powerfully to any dysfunctional
relationship. For example, children from dysfunctional parents often become dysfunctional themselves.
Perhaps they overcompensate and become workaholics to earn approval. Or as adult children they can
become manipulative, demanding interest fees from their divorced parents – a guilt trip, in other words.
True-Life Examples
Let us consider some real people who experienced some degree of dysfunction in their homes as children
and who, in spite of their experience, became a positive influence to those around them.
When Eleanor Roosevelt was born, her gorgeous socialite mother, Anna, marveled that she could have
produced such a homely child. “She was a sensitive, timid child, and from her earliest years Eleanor
knew she was a disappointment to her mother, who would look at Eleanor rather coldly, worrying that
her daughter might never become beautiful. She would even discuss it in the presence of Eleanor and her
friends. Even as an adult, memories of her mother’s attitude haunted her – echoing the painful
realization, ‘I’m ugly.’” (1)
When Eleanor was eight, her mother died, and her father’s alcoholism prevented his caring for her.
While under the care of a strict but concerned grandmother, she was exposed to two mentally ill relatives.
One was an alcoholic uncle who would shoot at the neighbors and their children. For Eleanor’s
protection, her grandmother sent her to boarding school as soon as possible. Homely as Eleanor was,
even in her twenties her loveliness of personality was evident as she reached out to help the poor.
Although betrayed in her marriage, distressed by a controlling mother-in-law, and struggling with
depression, she persistently espoused social rights advocating for the rights of the poor, the unfortunate,
and women.
Although Winston Churchill’s parents provided for his physical needs, they were not a consistent support
for him emotionally. They would often be away when he went home on vacation from his boarding
school. Yet despite his heavy drinking, smoking, and bouts of depression, God used him to save Western
Europe from Hitler.
As a child, Dorie Van Stone’s mother would put her into a drawer and then close it. Eventually she left
Dorie at an orphanage, where a lesbian matron sexually abused her. At age 14, she entered a foster
system which moved her from one home to another where she almost always experienced abuse.
Fortunately, before leaving the orphanage, this unruly teenager heard about and accepted the love of
God. As a young lady, she was able to locate her father only to find that he, too, had rejected her. Yet
overcoming these difficulties, she has become a successful motivational speaker and missionary.
How to Survive
Maybe you happen to be one of those “good” troubled youth. Or perhaps you were one that got into trouble a lot. Maybe you
are middle-aged and still hear critical voices from the past shouting into your psyche, maligning your genuine
accomplishments. Or perhaps in your work you come in contact almost daily with the hurting and the deprived. What solace
do you have to offer? What spiritual dynamics need to be recognized before you can offer the gospel to these suffering ones?
Maybe God is calling you to be a mentoring mom or dad. If any of these situations apply to you, I would like to suggest five
life-giving principles to speed your healing or to help others who may come from dysfunctional homes.
1. Beware of birds’ nests
There is an old adage that says, “You can’t prevent birds from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from making
nests in your hair.” This holds true for negative automatic thinking that is fueled by relational dysfunctionality. Their actions
set up distorted thought patterns and emotional auras that contribute to depression, uncontrollable anger, and paralyzing
anxiety. Here are some detrimental patterns of thinking that need to be recognized and replaced in order to see progession.
• Personalization
In this distorted thought pattern we assume the blame for a problem outside of our responsibilities or capabilities.
For example, when parents divorce, children often blame themselves. I know when my mom became mentally
ill, I thought, “If I had washed the dishes and cleaned my room, she wouldn’t have suffered this mental illness. If
I had been a better daughter, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Perhaps Danny Smith’s parents are separated. Mr. Smith promised to take his son camping but doesn’t show up.
Danny thinks, “He didn’t show again. I guess I don’t count!” Later when someone disappoints him as an adult,
Danny thinks, “I don’t count” and spirals down into deep depression. When he can’t take this contempt any
longer, he lashes out in anger or perhaps resorts to addictions. These are examples of unwarranted
personalizations.
This and any other kind of distorted thinking pattern is dangerous in that it usurps the true value that God places
on us. The healing answer is: “The Scriptures reveal that God wants you, He loves you, and He has chosen you.
This love, if accepted, is powerful enough to satisfy all love hunger. Of course, it takes time for increasing
maturity to realize the possibilities of this healing love.
• Labeling
This is a type of jumping to conclusions in which a parent applies a negative term to a complex situation. Sammy
fails math. His parents assume that Sammy is “lazy.” Don’t get me wrong. As a teacher, I know that laziness and
procrastination contribute to poor grades. Perhaps, however, there are other contributing factors – distractions,
discouragement, individual learning styles, etc. All of these need to be explored. It would be more accurate to
say, “Sammy has problems with math,” than to call him “stupid.” Or perhaps someone refers to his own father as
“my old man, the drunk.” But the father is much more. He is a human being. He needs to be treated with respect.
Loving respect usually, although sometimes slowly and even awkwardly, awakens respect in others.
• Selective filtering
This is another distorted thinking pattern which must be recognized and replaced before any healing can be
maintained. In this cognitive distortion, a individual focuses on one aspect, usually negative, to the exclusion of
the positive. To continue our scenario, Sammy’s parents focus on his poor math grades without praising him for
his good grades in social science.
Children from dysfunctional homes often see their parents as being totally evil, wrong, mean, or cowardly,
without any middle ground. In many cases, dysfunctional parents do really love their children but are emotional
children themselves. They have not learned to fulfill their legitimate emotional needs in healthful ways, so they
cannot help their child meet his needs. However, they do manifest care for their children by providing for their
physical needs – the one thing they know how to do.
Bobby was a handsome, talented, hard-working young man with a temper. Early in his childhood his father
deserted him and his two sisters. His mother worked two jobs and had little time for nonsense. Bobby remembers
her as a very strict parent. In being controlling, however, she lost control and would scream and occasionally
whip her children for what Bobby later would term ordinary childish adventures. After establishing rapport with
him, I asked him to make a list of the times his mother did show that she cared for him, how he benefited from
being her child, and how God turned the curse into a blessing. Here is what he came up with: He got his good
looks from his mom (his intelligence, too). He also remembers her working extra long hours to send him and his
siblings to camp one summer. And being the oldest, he learned how to take responsibility, cook, do laundry, and
work hard (blessings in disguise).
When selective thinking threatens to ruin your life, remember the good and look for ways in which God can turn
the curse into a blessing. Of course, this takes time and practice, but it makes our disappointments and griefs
manageable.
Sometimes selective filtering is manifested in a different way. Children from dysfunctional homes can focus on
all their weaknesses, but often exclude their strengths. They sink down in learned helplessness and succumb to
passive insecurity: “I’m no good. No one wants me. I can’t make it.” Hopefully, this learned helplessness
wouldn’t be present in all aspects of their lives, though this is possible, but usually it predominates in at least one
area. An objective friend or counselor can help identify their strengths and potential contributions, and help them
also to gradually learn to refocus.
• Generalization
This is assuming that the same negative events will happen over and over again. Worried about losing her job
that she loved so much, Jill had a few days of anxiety attacks. With several disabilities, Jill feared that she
wouldn’t be able to find a suitable job. However, she had determined not to let the threat of possible loss

discourage her, even though she had been let go from a few jobs previously. Thinking about other possibilities,
she pondered, “What is going on in my thinking? Where did this emotional aura – this stabbing, jabbing, and
oppression – come from? She remembered what her family’s long-time cook and housekeeper had said when her
mother developed manic-depression and practically disowned her. “Your mom doesn’t want you anymore.”
These words haunted her until she spiraled down into a deep depression. That assessment summarized her
teenage years and perverted her discernment for years thereafter. It was buried in Jill’s psyche when she was a
teenager, so that even thirty years later, whenever she was threatened by a loss, the thought, “No one wants me,”
immediately intruded into her mind. Through oversimplification and misinterpretation, the thought became, “I
am no good.” Now, although it takes her some time to recognize the origin of her distress, she uses logic to
combat it successfully. “I do have friends and customers who appreciate me.” The good news for Jill is that
Jesus is not embarrassed to have her as His sister. May I assure others who are like Jill that He loves you just as
much. All of us who are offspring of dysfunctional parents and perhaps somewhat maladjusted ourselves must
accept the value God places upon us, realizing God wanted us or He would not have sent His Son on such an
expensive errand to redeem us.
• All-or-none thinking
Critical parents often leave their children with two sets of rigid cognitions – “all-or-none thinking” and
“should-thinking.” All-or-none thinking engages in labeling events or people as all good or all bad, with no
shades of gray. For example:
1. “If I don’t make straight A’s, I am a total failure.”

2. “If I do not marry, my whole life will be miserable.”
3. “Position and power are everything. I won’t get hurt if I have those.”
4. “All pain is bad. Pain is an emotion. Therefore, I won’t feel, so I won’t hurt.”
5. “I can’t trust anybody to understand my dysfunctional family.”
All-or-none thinking nullifies God’s grace and graciousness in our own lives and the lives of others. Shame
accrues more interest. In addition, it promotes impatience, intolerance, and contempt. When applied to people,
all-or-none thinking discounts the fact that individuals can learn from their mistakes. When applied to
circumstances, all-or-none thinking helps us to lose sight of the fact that God has ability to transform any curse
into a blessing.
2. Set your boundaries

Boundaries are essential for devastated individuals. One of the first boundaries to address is forgiveness. Unless we forgive
our dysfunctional parents, they will forever exercise their power to contaminate our lives. Roots of bitterness poison our
perceptions and pervert our judgment. We make poor choices. Shame then follows.
When abuse and indifference surface, forgiveness is a gradual process and a commitment. We must acknowledge our pain,
allow ourselves to cry, receive some validation for our pain, and refuse to allow the past hurts to motivate us to egocentric or
excessive self-protection and distrust. In forgiveness, one does remember, but does not dwell on past hurts. For this reason, I
cannot accept the advice of some counselors who suggest that I chronologically record the hurtful events of my life. If one
does this, positive memories or present opportunities are lost – and one is lost in a graveyard of sadness, for “by beholding we
become changed.”
To a very real extent, the past helps to shape the present, and the present the future. As children we learned lessons which are
seldom obliterated. Consciously or subconsciously, negative events can motivate us toward a stunted, suspicious manner. We
develop strategies of protection that subtly rob our integrity and sabotage many of our contributions to society. It is therefore
imperative that we are open to learning from the past. I like the way David prayed, if I can paraphrase the literal Hebrew.
“Lord, search my heart, to see if there be any anger, pain, or anxiety in me that could accumulate in wickedness in me.” We
might have survived the past, but we can’t live – really live – in the present until we forgive those who have hurt us. In true
forgiveness I must reject the devaluation that the offender or abuser has placed on me. In its place, I must accept God’s
estimation of me. He sees my weakness and wickedness as well as my strengths and successes. Because He sees all and it is
His very nature to love, I can accept His unconditional love.

Forgiveness and respect don’t mandate that we absolve our parents from their accountability. By all accounts, Bill Ginglen,
was an upstanding citizen – a former Marine, a loving husband, a devoted father and grandfather. “Then on August 19, 2004,
Jared, a Peoria, Illinois, police officer, read a story in the paper about a series of bank robberies in another part of the state.
‘The description just oddly matched my father to a T,’ Jared says. ‘The description of the vehicle – the getaway car – was the
same vehicle my father drove. And he spends time over in that area.’ As he continued reading, he noticed that the newspaper
story referenced a website set up by local police authorities that contained surveillance photos of one of the robberies. ‘Just to
clear up my own mind, I decided to go look to be sure that it wasn't he,’ Jared says. ‘But it was.’ Jared immediately called his
brothers.” (2). They made a heart-wrenching decision to turn their Dad in to the authorities. They didn’t want anybody to get
hurt.
We must hold our family members accountable when they have committed a crime, even a crime against us. To not report
childhood abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse because it is one’s family member is irresponsible. Mothers who ignore their
abusive husbands injuring or molesting their children jeopardize the lives of their children and sacrifice the self-respect and
integrity of everyone involved. The dysfunction will only accrue terrible interest rates until we boldly face it.
Forgiveness also doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. If our parents frequently put us down, we need to recognize that this
is their problem. We are not obligated to require their acceptance. If we always try to win their approval, it sets us up for
defeat. However, an occasional overture in the form of a letter, call, or phone visit might eventually lead to some healing. And
forgiveness certainly does not mean a superficial acceptance of a superficial apology in order to be conciliatory and escape
painful memories.
3. Do not project
Some of the attitudes I have regarding my parents can unwittingly be projected upon God and others. The promise and power
of parenting must be recognized. Respect the power of parenting. In a perfect world, God designed parents to be as God to
their children and to portray His character faithfully and accurately until the child can develop an independent concept of what
a personal, loving God He really is. Our parents are to reflect the goodness of God. However, as a result of sin, individual or
collective, even good parents fall short. Mark this point well. Whatever we think about our parents determines, to a great
extent, our personal concept of God. This distortion, whether obvious or unconscious on our part, can profoundly impact our
loved ones because it erodes our happiness, and contaminates our other important relationships.
My parents had separated by the time I was three. Dad, however, would faithfully visit us children every Saturday, but when
the divorce was final, he dropped out of sight completely and did not send any monetary support to our family. I know from
my own personal experience, even while intellectually understanding and accepting the concept of God’s love, that
somewhere in my core being, I subconsciously felt that, because my earthly father was indifferent to me, my heavenly Father
was, too. He never seemed to answer certain prayers. In these secret pockets of my soul it was as if I had specific black holes
into which the grace of God never seemed to penetrate.
Later, I would recognize that genuine healing comes when we can discern and acknowledge how our parents negatively
impact our concept of God, and when we can repent of projecting their deficiencies, anger, or indifference upon God. One of
the first steps in this process is refusing to let what you don’t know about God shake your confidence in His love. We all use
electricity, for example, but most of us don’t understand the deep scientific principles involved.
Sometimes we misplace our anger upon others. Years ago there was a colleague and supervisor that I just
didn’t like or trust. When I realized that he had some of the same qualities of the distant grandfather that I
lived with – small frame, frugal, avid gardener, laconic – and that subconsciously I had projected the
discomfort I felt with my grandfather upon my co-worker, my relationship with him improved
tremendously. Today, I regard him as a true friend and trusted advisor. I can’t help thinking that if
grandfather had lived long enough, I might have had a meaningful relationship with him, also.
4. Honor my father and mother?

King Solomon observed of one who curses his father or mother that “his light will go out in time of
darkness.” Whatever we reflect back to our parents will come back upon our heads – be it for good or for

evil. “Indifferent” would be the one adjective that best summarizes my parents during my teen years.
Although my mother was at first patient and gentle, by the time my twin sister and I entered adolescence,
my mother had developed paranoid schizophrenia. She thought we children were actually spies. Not only
blinds and curtains covered the many windows of our house, but also blankets snuffed out any possible
penetrating light. Mom was indifferent, incapable, scary, and embarrassing. As a teenager I was ashamed
of my mom, and didn’t want to be seen with her. Clean, but unkempt in appearance, she would gyrate
from the tactile hallucinations she felt. What teenager wants to go out and eat at a restaurant with her
mother jerking and moving because she thought that someone was shocking her? She was so
embarrassing to be with in public. However, I gained some insightful sympathy when, as a 30-something
adult, I struggled with a severe social phobia which crippled my social life for a few years. I couldn’t
even walk my dog! I would venture out for only work or groceries. It is a principle of life: What measure
we give to others, will eventually in some way be reflected back upon us. Any contempt with which we
have regarded our parents will surely come back to us.
Another point to consider is, even if we cannot respect our parents as being deserving, we can respect
them as human beings. We can also honor our parents by stopping the cycle of contempt – even self-
contempt caused by an unhealthy sense of shame.
Few, if any, individuals who come from a dysfunctional home themselves, have their lives together by age thirty. So why
should we condemn our parents so harshly for the mistakes they made? This isn’t to say we can’t hold them accountable for
their actions, confront them, and express our anger to them – if it would be wise. However, in doing so, we want to exercise
sympathy for their childhood development, the conditions they had to endure.
For example, my parents actually separated when I was three. That wasn’t too bad, because Dad visited every Saturday –
faithfully. When the divorce was final, however, and we twins were eleven, he dropped out of sight – no visits, no letters, no
calls, no financial support – only Christmas and birthday presents. Eventually, we made contact. Decades later, I discovered
he really had had a hard decision to make – to support his mom and provide her nursing care or support his two children. He
knew my mother worked (until her mental illness took over) and further, that my mother’s dad would provide for us. So we
really didn’t lack any food, clothing, school supplies, or shelter.
When I was in my early forties, he also paid for my speech therapy for several years. When he died, my sister and I inherited a
reasonable sum of money. Having subsequently experienced financial difficulties myself, I can better understand the dilemma
that he faced as a young man. He had made a hard decision, and later paid his dues to me. I discovered that he had written to
us, but apparently my mom had destroyed his letters. Although our relationship was rocky at times, I still do miss him. As I
grow older and learn more of the situation as it really was at the time, rather than how I perceived it, I no longer judge his
behavior. As for mom, I have learned that schizophrenia is not only a mental disease, but also a brain disease that can entail
damage to certain key structures in the brain. Therefore, her capacity to love and relate to her children were, to a large degree,
determined by mental illness, not necessarily of her own choice.
I want to be crystal clear. There is no excuse, for abuse, alcohol addiction, or, worse yet, heartless abandonment. Still, there
can be many underlying factors that contribute to various abusive behaviors, and these need to be recognized and sufficiently
dealt with for the children’s resulting dysfunction to be overcome.
We also need to consider that even dysfunctional parents can make genuine contributions to society. Take, for example,
Abraham Lincoln. His father was such a hard taskmaster, even physically slapping his son around at times. Lincoln developed
a significant sense of serious self-depreciation. However, both his mother and later, his stepmother, encouraged him. By the
time of his presidency, Lincoln had enough self-respect to invite his political rivals to be members of his Cabinet. To some
extent, his own family life was also dysfunctional. At times his wife was mentally unbalanced and difficult. His biographers
write that he was very distant toward his first two sons. When his second son died, he soon became overindulgent to a serious
fault with his last two sons. This moderately dysfunctional dad, subject to difficulties, still did much to help his nation stop its
expansion of slavery and later proclaimed its abolition in the South. My point is that, even in dysfunctional families, imperfect

people can make significant contributions. Abraham Lincoln is great, in part, because he cared and worked diligently in the
face of obstacles – some of which came from a dysfunctional home.
How much information do we dare share? In many dysfunctional homes, children are strictly commanded to keep silent about
family secrets, never divulging them under any circumstances. This degree of secrecy stifles complete mental and emotional
maturity. We grow maximally when we are accepted with truth and grace. This does not happen when we totally conceal our
pain and injury from others. Although we are confused and hurting, some little kernel of courage within us leads us to try to
learn from pain. Then our agonizing experience will not be totally in vain. This benefit requires wrestling with great themes of
life. At times, for us to be healed, we need an advisor that is on our side, someone who can validate our suffering. It is usually
best to proceed gradually – testing the waters, so to speak – with a trained counselor, pastor, or a friend who can be objective
as well as keep confidences.
After we have gained insight and peace, we can share what we have learned to encourage others. Nonetheless, unless a crime
has been committed, we do well to guard the reputations of our parents. We do not want to broadcast all the nasty details of
abuse to anyone and everyone unwisely, or exaggerate our parents’ weaknesses and indiscretions.
5. Learn to accept yourself
Usually when significant trauma happens in a child’s life, it leaves him vulnerable to stunted growth and development in
important areas of life. These areas must be acknowledged, accepted, and corrected before one has total freedom from his
parents’ blunders. But no one can achieve his best growth unless he is within a sphere of acceptance. The love of God
provides this acceptance, even when our parents have rejected or ignored us. He says, I will not cast out anyone who comes to
me. To the extent we refuse to acknowledge and squelch the undeveloped parts of our character, our personalities will never
totally be integrated in love and integrity.
On average, children have certain psychological tasks to master approximately every two years. Any grade-school teacher can
tell you those aged 11 to 13 are in a very important stage of social development. So if a father, for example, deserts the family
when his daughter is within that age group, that daughter, as an adult, might be stunted in social aspects in her life as an adult.
Understanding the stages of childhood development, then, can be a useful tool and a valid approach to helping adult children
of dysfunctional homes achieve integration and well-adjusted lives. In other words, if as children we didn’t learn a particular
psychological task, such as trust, determination, industry, purpose, courage, or initiative, we will have to acknowledge our
deficits and patiently work upon them as adults.
Frequently, as children pass through different stages of development, they have fear, anxiety, anger, or sadness, and it is better
for them to be taught how to express their emotions, positive or negative, rather than bottle them up inside. They need
guidance to progress into constructive thoughts and actions. If their parents are wise and available, the children learn healthful
ways of coping. When parents are unavailable, indifferent, or angered by their children’s needs, and these needs are left
unaddressed, the children’s personality is not fully developed or integrated. Then the emotions of fear, anxiety, or dejection
often result in addictions (to ease the pain) or even psychosomatic disease.
For example, uncontrollable fear, devastating anger, and harmful habits and addictions are rooted in the limbic system (as the
middle portion of brain that is concerned with lower emotions is called). One may be either aware or unaware of these
manifestations. If emotional pain, anger, confusion, and depression are kept inside, they often trigger disease, especially when
they become attitudes. For example, anxiety and major depression increase proinflammatory agents that fuel chronic diseases.
An epidemiological study has shown that severe bouts of anger are reported significantly more often than expected during the
hour preceding myocardial infarction. Other studies show that anxiety, impatience, and depression can increase the risk of
even otherwise healthy men developing hypertension.
As some investigators believe, expression of such emotions to a wise counselor can help to transfer pain from the emotional
and imaginative right side of brain to the logical left side and also somewhat to the front brain. When a person is able to
verbalize the situation and clarify it, he can start solving some problems. It is like the long-worded math problems most of us
never enjoyed in high school. To solve the problem, you need to sort out the information pertinent to defining the problem,
eliminate what you didn’t know, and have resources available to look up what you forgot. An effective counselor might be
compared with a good math teacher. He doesn’t solve the problems, but he helps provide the tools with which you can solve it.
Reflective thinking, applying Biblical principles to one’s situation, and pouring out our hearts to God, will help our front
brains to process our problems successfully. It is the front brain, in cooperation with God, which enables us to focus, discern,
and forgive.

However, just to express unbridled emotion for the sake of doing so, can be dangerous because expression deepens
impression. What we say reacts back on our brain and in our minds more powerfully many times, than if left unsaid. It
strengthens the circuit of anger and depression. It is when we express emotions in a safe environment to a godly counselor
who distinguishes between giving wise sympathy and enabling crippling self-pity, that one can receive help. Expression by
itself doesn’t necessarily heal. It is the connection, the support, the respect, and the perspectives that help to change and heal
us.
Having said this, however, even legitimate needs can deteriorate into selfish, unrealistic demands. Legitimate needs can easily
degrade into uncontrollable selfishness as is seen when an adult child blames his parents’ divorce for his unhappiness as an
adult and plunges into a self-destructive addiction. As important as childhood environment is, the will, strengthened by wise
choices, contributes even more to adult happiness.
Meet Needs in a Healthy Way
There are many ways God can help us mature and meet needs healthfully. One is to find a “father or mother in Israel” (a
mentor) to befriend us. They will teach you how to struggle fearfully, but bravely, with life’s difficulties and unexpected
problems. Many limitations can be overcome by teamwork, even those from childhood deprivations due to growing up in a
dysfunctional family.
In His church, God has provided us with families, with friends who stick closer than blood brothers. These individuals can
help to mitigate the effects of our troubled past. By becoming involved with children or adolescents, we can become more
acquainted with ourselves and develop in the areas in which we need to grow. Teaching part time at a grade school has
sharpened my perception of my own defects that needed to be remedied. Certain events there sometimes remind me of how I
felt as a child or teenager, and perhaps those emotions tap into a current dilemma. Many times I rejoiced over my and my
students’ taking leaps into maturity. Almost every time I correct or discipline, a still small voice tills the fallow ground of my
heart.
However, God’s church is also a hospital for sinners. Choose your mentors wisely, and look for one person to take the place of
your mom, dad, or family. Be careful not to fall into a co-dependent relationship where you obtain your self-worth from one
person, one job, or one position. Balance is absolutely essential. You need a variety of relationships and activities to achieve
optimal mental health.
Don’t expect even the best friend or mentor to take the place of the parents you should have had. They can’t. If they are wise,
they won’t try. God has reserved that privilege for Himself.
Two Absolutes
Undeniably, some of us have had parents that have left us. Perhaps a cruel mental illness took them from our embrace.
Sometimes they themselves, as children, were not truly loved. Having not received love, they didn’t know how to give it. For
whatever reasons, we want some absolutes. If you are in that position as I was, you will have to search for them as in a
treasure hunt. Perhaps you will pursue a wrong trail and will have to retrace your steps. You might have to go to unknown
places and endure hardships as a courageous, but tired adventurer. But the treasure is waiting for you.
As a child of a literally mentally ill mom and seemingly “deadbeat dad,” I discovered two dependable absolutes that radically
changed my life for good in many ways. In Romans 4:17, Paul describes God as “calling those things that are not as though
they were.” This verse gives you the first absolute. Even if you had a cruel, or maybe an indifferent or abusive dad, God has
the ability to give you, as an adult, the same benefits as if you really did have a loving, wise, and wonderful parent! This
principle can be applied to any dysfunctional relationship.
Remember Dorie? She was visiting California with her daughter and a friend, when her daughter wanted to go and visit the
orphanage Dorie was in as a child. Unaware of the sexual abuse that occurred there, her daughter had heard Dorie’s interesting
stories and wanted to see the place. Dorie wasn’t thrilled, to say the least, but with urging from her daughter and her friend,
she consented. The orphanage had been transformed into an art museum. Occasionally, one of the orphans returned to
reminisce. That person was given a special guided tour.

As the guide announced, “Now, we will go to the basement,” Dorie refused and abruptly replied that there was no need to do
so. The guide gently placed her hand on Dorie’s shoulder and encouraged her. “I understand, but please come. I know what
happened in that room downstairs. But come and see what it is now.”
As Dorie entered the room where so much abuse had taken place, it was totally different. Her guide explained that a terrible
fire had swept through the basement and they had to remodel it totally. This fire seemed, in her mind, as if the justice of God
had devoured the abusive years meted out to so many young orphans and validated their pain.
Perhaps you, too, have haunting memories of a variety of abuse or neglect. When I think of Dorie’s experience, I marvel in the
truth of another verse, made especially for you. First Corinthians 1:28 says, “God has chosen the things which are not to bring
to naught things that are.” The second absolute, then, is that God will create future events – people you do not presently know,
places you haven’t been, capabilities you do not presently possess. He will create successive scenarios that will eventually
nullify the detrimental effects of any abuse, neglect, or rejection you might have received in your family or from society. Like
the fire that destroyed the room of Dorie’s abuse, God will destroy the effects of the abuse in your life, validate your pain, and
in its place create a beautiful monument.
He has done this in my life to a large extent. I know God will continue to satisfy the demands of my soul. He will do that for
you also. Skeptical? Raging? Hopeless? Whatever you feel, wherever you are, He understands and will definitely help you.
This vertical connection with God is as vital as any horizontal connections with other human beings. With God we can, as the
psalmist encourages us, “pour out our hearts at all times.” And it is only God who can satisfy all the needs of a craving soul.
In Him and with Him we can find peace, hope, love, healing from past, and courage in the present.
References
1. American Experience: Eleanor Roosevelt, PBS, transcript of film, Written by Sue Wiliams
2. Oprah Winfrey, Facing their Father, January 2006

APPENDIX H: THE HEALING ROLE OF FORGIVENESS
“Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.”
Psalm 119:165
I had been meditating on forgiveness for a long time when September 11, 2001, exploded. I still cry when I hear the stories of
bravery, survival, self-sacrifice, and loss that resulted from that tragedy. We heard stories of husbands calling their spouses
and children to assure them of their love, some of them even offering apologies. But how about those individuals whose
marriages were in trouble and who never got through to their families to at least say, “I care. I’m sorry that it did not work out.
I now see some of my mistakes and wish you the very best”? What about the father who while becoming engrossed in wealth,
became unconsciously indifferent to his children? What about the judgmental mother who constantly criticized her children?
Did these people – or people like them – work in the Towers, too? When they died, they forever lost the opportunity for
heartfelt apology and healing restitution. But fortunately, their death did not remove from those they wronged the power to
forgive – a power which survives even the death of the offender.
What Forgiveness is NOT
We first need to define what forgiveness is, and what forgiveness is not. When we have unrealistic expectations of what
forgiveness is, we may become frustrated in trying to achieve the unachievable, suffer unnecessary guilt, or experience
crushed hopes for future meaningful relationship.
Forgiveness is not a superficial acceptance of a superficial apology in order to be conciliatory and escape a painful
confronting of serious, reoccurring issues. Conciliation is valuable, but not at the expense of truth and sincerity. True
forgiveness recognizes that there might or might not be reconciliation. Our demands are surrendered, but not hope for
understanding and a stronger relationship. Forgiveness is a prelude to reconciliation but does not necessarily guarantee it. In
healthy forgiveness, we respond to the responses of the offender. I can choose to forgive even if a heart-felt apology is not
offered. However, in order for us to be truly reconciled, the offender must to some extent recognize the damage his offense
has done, be genuinely sorry, confess his offense, and seek to make restitution for it. I also must see what I have done to
contribute to the problem. Although I always need to accept genuine guilt on my part, apologize, and seek to be forgiven, I
must not withhold forgiveness even if the offender demonstrates no desire for reconciliation, acknowledging his wrongs, or
seeking to achieve a better relationship.
Forgiveness does not require us to forgo wise boundary-setting. If we fail to set appropriate boundaries, our emotional
resources can be quickly overwhelmed. Appropriate boundaries also help prevent unnecessary leaks of emotional energy so
that we can then spend more resources in coping with other life issues. Judicious boundary setting helps others know where
we stand and reduces inadvertent mistakes that sap our day-to-day coping.
Forgiveness does not free one from accountability or necessarily cancel out consequences. As children, we learn that
accountability and consequential learning help us grow in integrity. At other times, however, forgiveness might include
modification of consequences or even appropriate legal action. Accountability belongs to both the offender and the offended.
For example, if I am driving to town in the correct lane, respecting the speed limits and the stop lights, and a drunk driver hits
me, and I become paralyzed from the waist down, he is responsible for the injury and appropriate restitution of medical
expenses and disability. However, I am responsible for processing my anger and the depression that may result from the
accident.
What Forgiveness IS
Extending forgiveness for life’s painful experiences is a process that requires constant and persistent effort. It is not a one-time
deal. Often, as we uncover more damage done to us, another layer of anger surfaces, and then we are confronted with the
choice to forgive again, this time more deeply.
The first step includes recognition of the damage done by the offender. We hate pain. We unconsciously repress it and
consciously suppress it until it insidiously depresses our very being. We become obsessed with seeking comfort rather than
struggling with truth and grace. Instead of truth, comfort then becomes our god. However, Scripture tells us that God is a God
of truth and grace. Grace, graciousness, and genuine comfort can develop only in the context of truth and honesty. We can
forgive only when we progress purposefully with honesty into the domain of truth. This requires recognition and acceptance
of our personal experience.

Unresolved conflict erodes health. Catherine was from a wealthy family in Europe. She had come to the United States many
years ago and experienced two unfortunate marriages. Now her current marriage was in deep trouble, as well. A bleeding
stomach ulcer brought her in an institution of healing in the South. She did not want surgery. With her physician’s help, she
worked through the problems in her marriage, as well as many others. But with all the treatments, counseling, and her own
persistence, she was still no better physically.
“Catherine,” her doctor said, “you have worked so hard on your problems. Is there anything else that might be troubling
you?””
“I can’t think of a single thing.”
Her doctor was ready to schedule her for surgery when in the middle of the night, he was urgently called to her room.
Catherine was pacing violently back and forth, hands clenched, hissing, “I hate her!”
“Catherine, whom do you hate? Why?”
Eventually she told her doctor what had happened. Her grandparents were members of European nobility. Their only son had
had a child out of wedlock – Catherine. What rearing she had received had been from her grandfather, who truly loved her.
But her grandmother openly resented and hated her. She had had no communication with her grandparents for years.
That night her grandmother had called. “Your grandfather has died. It is your fault. You killed him.”
“I killed him? How?”
“Because you left the faith of your family and espoused another religion!”
When Catherine, after much prayer and counsel, was able to forgive her grandmother and write her a gracious, loving letter,
she stopped bleeding and her ulcer healed completely.
When we deny the pain from life’s hurts, we set ourselves up for more pain. Many, many years ago, after I delivered a lecture
on stress, a patient asked to see me. I will call her Rosalyn. Rosalyn was an attractive, street-smart, middle-aged European
lady. She told me how as a child she had lived in a Nazi-occupied country, and even though she had been only three years old,
she would deliver underground secrets that she obtained from her parents to another underground agent in the big city.
Now in her fifties and enjoying financial prosperity, she had nevertheless been in several abusive relationships with men.
During this time, she met her brother whom she had not seen since soon after the war. They reminisced about old times, and
finally she remarked, “Hans, there is one thing I do not understand. I remember waking up black and blue on several
occasions. Mother said it was because I fell out of the bed. But I don’t remember falling out of the bed at all.”
“You don’t remember Dad beating you! Mom just told you that. Dad really beat you!” Her brother couldn’t believe she didn’t
remember.
As she told me her story, I looked into Rosalyn’s eyes – no tears. Her experience was told very matter-of-factly. I was the one
with tears and a big lump in my throat. I could not swallow. Rosalyn then remarked, “But my dad wouldn’t have done it if he
had not been captured by the Nazis and placed in a concentration camp.” Probably true. Maybe it was a wise reflection from a
mature lady and a legitimate groping toward forgiving.
However, at the time of the abuse, the little girl didn’t understand. It was such a painful affront to her little soul, that her
consciousness would not tolerate it. Did her Dad’s abuse set her up for her future relations with abusive men? As I listened to
the rest of her story I concluded that it had probably contributed to it. I realized that her persistence and indomitable spirit had
deteriorated into a toughness that would not consciously allow her childhood memories to cry and be validated. Without that
validation, her forgiveness would only be superficial and it would be difficult (if not impossible) for her to grow. Only as we
acknowledge our pain can we begin to understand some of the ungodly strategies we have devised to numb that pain and
choose a more godly approach.
While forgiveness includes the recognition of hurt and injury with their accompanying pain, it refuses to dwell upon and
nourish the injury. A proverb counsels, “You can’t prevent birds from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from
nesting in your hair.” Anger and the ensuing bitterness lead us to engage in selective filtering. We become absorbed with a
person’s or situation’s problems to the exclusion of the good and the possible benefits that could be derived from them. Might

it not help us to think of a person’s good qualities as well as his/her offensive ones? Perhaps I can learn and triumph in a
difficult situation. Perhaps I could benefit from counsel that sees the larger picture.
True forgiveness involves a commitment to work through the roots of bitterness. Wendy was a highly efficient surgical
technician – but she was tough. She had a good heart at times. She ministered to the orphans in the village and finally adopted
a child who became her pride and joy. But whenever there were misunderstandings at work with any man, she would go
home and explode into volatility. Her contemptuous remarks regarding men bounced from wall to wall in her apartment. She
usually had some legitimate points. She knew she had a lot of bitterness and shame from being sexually abused as a child.
That bitterness and shame evolved into contempt of all men – any man. This form of faulty thinking, called generalization,
makes forgiveness impossible and contaminates all that come into its sphere.
Wendy was attributing to all men the abuse she received and the contempt she developed for her mother’s boyfriends who
raped and abused her as a child. Since men had abused her in the past, there was no way any man would dare do it again. Her
wall of contempt rose to protect herself from insult and assault. However, contempt preempts forgiveness.
When we forgive, we must conscientiously choose not to allow past hurts, abuses, or injuries to motivate us in a negative,
stinted, or suspicious way. (Caution, however, can be a valuable asset.) We determine to open our hearts and lives, risking our
talents, in a godly way, in order to become the person God wants us to be.
Without forgiving, our hurt decays into bitterness. These roots of bitterness pervert our perception and discernment. Anger
and bitterness are projected onto others. By contaminating our relationships, they rob us of peace, good-will, and a meaningful
and blessed involvement with others. We become insensitive. We want to be tough and inaccessible to pain. But unless we can
accept our own vulnerability and need, we can’t accept others when they are vulnerable and needy. The relationships we do
have become self-focused and more bitterness ensues. In order to help others, we must recognize and avoid generalizations.
Essential in overcoming bitterness is rejecting the value the offender placed upon us at the time of the injury. Often a child
will internalize the value his parents or others in his life have placed upon him. For example, early sexual abuse appraises the
child’s worth to be cheap. Sometimes a parent’s indifference can be mirrored in an adolescent’s indifference to opportunities.
Consider the following scenario. The parents of eight-year-old Jim are divorced. His dad promises to see him on Saturdays,
but seldom comes. The child thinks, “I must not be worth anything or else Dad would surely come.” In later years, he sinks
into deep dejection whenever his preoccupied boss does not acknowledge him. The boss, with his mind crammed full with
other problems, doesn’t mean to discourage his worker. The indifference Jim received from his dad is now projected onto his
boss, and if he doesn’t take time to process his hurt and heal his wound, it will compromise his relationships with others and
his job performance in the future.
Consciously rejecting the negative value that the abuser or indifferent parent has placed on our lives, and replacing it with
God’s love, speeds forgiving and healing.
A true story* illustrates this profound power. Dorie was conceived out-of-wedlock, but her parents married. She was not a
cute child. With disgust her mother often hid her in a drawer or a closet. Finally, her mother couldn’t stand her anymore and
sent her off to an orphanage. Tragically, the matron of the orphanage would take some of the girls down to a basement room
and rape them. Dorie was one of them. She would be slammed against the walls until she cooperated.
When she was 12 years old, a group of college students came and spoke about a loving Jesus. Her hungry heart responded to
Him the best it could. Those were the days when orphans were sent to foster homes when they turned thirteen. Dorie was
assigned to different foster homes where women would beat her, their husbands or hired hands would enter her room at night,
make her undress, and force her to participate in sexual acts. However, she persevered and claimed a few promises from her
New Testament. Sometimes God protected her, at other times He did not seem to, but her faith still clung to Him.
Eventually she located her father and began communicating with him. However, when he discovered she was going to marry a
Christian and go overseas to do ministry, he disowned her. Later, when she attempted to attend his funeral, his relatives and
friends rejected her. Nonetheless, in spite of all the rejection, trauma, and various abuses, Dorie has found life worth living
and rewarding, engaging in helping wounded souls.
Real forgiveness trusts God’s justice instead of our own vengeance. God is love, but He is just and fair as well. Indeed, justice
is an aspect of His love. Without it, His love is compromised, His power to bring final deliverance to this pain-racked world
would be non-existent. In the Psalms and Prophets we see a God who hates violence, deceit, unkindness, and oppression. He is
now delivering His people from any smattering of these attributes, and when He comes again they will be delivered from all
residual of them.

This was illustrated by Dorie. Years later as she was visiting the West Coast with her daughter, her daughter wanted to visit
the orphanage where her mother grew up. The orphanage had been remodeled into an art school. The teachers were
accustomed to previous residents of the orphanage coming by. Dorie, always having an entertaining bent to her personality,
told stories of her childhood as she went from room to room. However, when the guide beckoned them to the very end of the
hallway, she refused to go. Her daughter couldn’t understand why. The guide gently placed her hand upon Dorie’s as if to say,
“I understand. I know what was done there.”
“Will you come, please? Can you tell us what happened here?”
“This is the room where sexual abuse took place,” Dorie answered, painfully remembering. The guide opened the door. The
room had been remodeled.
“Do you know why this room has been renovated?” the woman asked Dorie. “Because years ago it caught fire,” she
explained.
“The judgment of God!” Dorie responded impulsively. The fire seemed to have cleaned the room, an intimation that someday
the controversy between good and evil will end. Good will triumph over evil. Evil will finally be eradicated. The entire
universe will be clean and one united pulse of glad harmony and pure love will beat throughout the earth.
Anticipation of that soon-to-come reality, and fellowship with its Author can and will sustain us through each day’s pain until
that glad tomorrow of no pain.
*Van Stone, Doris and Lutzer, Erwin, No Place to Cry. Moody Press, Chicago, 1990.
APPENDIX I: POWER OF THE WILL

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.”
Philippians 32:13
Why is it that less than two percent of people who lose weight keep it off? Why do New Year’s resolutions so often fail? Why
is the World War II generation considered “the greatest generation?” Of course, the answer is multi-factorial. However, I
would like to consider one pivotal answer, which if rightly understood, could be better than medicine for some of my readers –
the RIGHT USE of the will. Each of us has a will and we all use it – sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. What
determines how we use it? What impacts the will?
Thinking Drives the Will
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Passive, reactive thinking forces the will into despondency. In
reactive thinking, we focus on stimuli, environment, or circumstances to the exclusion of personal
responsibility. “There is no way out.” “There is nothing I can do about it.” “Can’t win for losing.” “They
won’t listen, so why try?” “He makes me so mad!” “If only I had more.” Words react upon character.
Passive, reactive thinking, reflected in reactive language, sinks the will as surely as multi-torpedo attacks
sink a ship that has no adequate protection.
Proactive Thinking
Proactive thinking, while responding to the environment, takes an active approach in delving into issues,
exploring options, seeking appropriate counseling, and revolves around personal choices. “I will explore
other options.” “I can present this information in another way to gain their attention.” “I choose to deal
with my anger in healthy ways.” In proactive thinking, responses are deliberate and based upon values
that one has premeditatedly adopted. Proactive thinking strengthens the will.
As someone who has had to struggle with major medical depression for at least half my life, I find
another kind of thinking launches me more quickly into a better pursuit of life–faith-active thinking.

Faith-active Thinking
Faith-active thinking, like proactive thinking, consciously appreciates the power of individual choice, explores options, and
takes responsibility for processing one’s feelings in healthy ways. Faith-active thinking, however, is based upon values that
God has designated and internalization of His love. It explores options that would be in harmony with His principles.
Faith-active thinking reflects upon how God’s graciousness has led to small triumphs in our lives. Obstacles and difficulties
that now confront us are accepted as opportunities to grow.
Faith-active thinking, while humbly acknowledging past personal defeats, is not mired in them. While it does not ignore
feelings, it rests its final answer on God-based values and principles.
Emergency-Mode Thinking
Emergency-mode thinking also saps the will. Maybe because in younger years I helped in the emergency
room of a small rural hospital, I often find myself in this ultra-type-A thinking. I want things done now,
if not yesterday. Always bustling about, accomplishing the utmost in the least amount of time possible so
that no second is wasted robs us of reflective thinking and living out our reflections, which are so
necessary for the deliberate action of a purposeful will.
Emergency-mode thinking, if engaged in for long periods of time, will simply bankrupt the quality of
life. If I had a terminal illness, I don’t think I would wish that I had taught more classes, made more
money, and had everything in my home super-organized. I would probably wish that I had been a kinder
person, given more hugs, flowers, and peaches, and spent more time walking in nature. Too often I have
lived my life like the slave in a story I heard. The master told the slave that he would give him free all the
acres that he could walk around before sunset. After walking fast all morning, sometimes running,
toward sunset the slave started to run faster. “Gotta have more land, gotta have more land to pass on to
my children.” The slave slumped to his death just before sunset without finishing the circle! Emergency-
mode thinking can make us greedy and insensitive. Greed and insensitivity corrupt the will. We need a
vision of ourselves, as well as of our mission.
Irregularity
Have you noticed that it is so much more difficult to discipline appetite or the tongue when meals are irregular, physical
exercise is infrequent, and the hour of retirement is constantly being postponed for the ever-present sense of urgency to get
more done first? On an irregular schedule, physical and mental fatigue occur three to four hours earlier. Physical and mental
fatigue dampen the will.
Purpose
A freedom-lover is captured by Cambodian communists. He is whipped, beaten and nearly starved to death. His arms oozing
with infections, he mixes human dung with water and then fertilizes the rice paddies with bare arms and hands. One riveting
purpose possesses him – to escape and get his young daughter to freedom. Purpose strengthens the will.
Integrity
I like to think of integrity as the harmonious integration of the thoughts, motives, emotions, and behavior into the purposes of
God. Compartmentalization erodes the will. “I worked really hard today.” “I managed that feat successfully.” “I deserve this
extra piece of pie with a double scoop of vanilla ice-cream!” This kind of thinking erects an artificial barrier where there is
none. The mind and the body are so closely connected that what affects one affects the other. How we live physically affects
the mind. Our emotions and attitudes influence our organs. The autonomic nervous system communicates directly with our
immune cells, the macrophages and lymphocytes. Happiness and health depend upon the harmonious development of the
physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of our being. Health and happiness contributes substantially to will power.

Motivation is the spring from which one’s will acts. However, under an enlightened conscience, the will can affirm what is
true and godly, empowering motivation and rejecting what is false and base. True, wholesome motives are strengthened when
we are committed to working through the roots of bitterness with God, and when we refuse to let past hurts make us more
suspicious and stunt our behavior. Trials and obstacles permit us to recognize the roots of bitterness. As these are eradicated,
our will power grows.
Dealing with Injurious Habits

The habits that we wish to overcome are like Johnson-grass. Johnson-grass is a tall weed that is especially abundant in our
area. From a distance, it looks like a corn-stalk. Its roots grow very, very deep. In fact, it grows as deep as several shovel
lengths straight down. The foliage and the fruit represent behavior. The stem, supporting and nourishing the behavior,
represents thoughts and feelings. The deep root system represents the purposes and motives. Chopping off a bad behavior,
without dealing sufficiently with the motives, thoughts, and feelings, will never eradicate a bad habit. It will surface again,
bigger than before. The motive of any harmful habit must be addressed if success is to be achieved. It can’t be eliminated
passively.
The Example of Lilo

Although persistence, determination, and ambition are important, Lilo Ljubisic, lecturer on motivation, emphasizes “choice,
commitment, and courage” as necessary for success. Choice, she says, is an incredible tool for success even though she admits
we humans do not always utilize it as such. We don’t use it as profitably or successfully as we could. The choices we make
result in the quality of life we live.
Why should I or anyone else listen to Lilo? Lilo was apparently born normal at birth, but at an early age she gradually began
to lose her sight. At school, the only way she could read the blackboard was to put her nose up close to it – so close that
sometimes her nose would accidentally erase the notes for the other students or her head would block their view. She finally
retreated to the back row and often used her binoculars to read the material on the board.
Lilo felt singled out, rejected, and ostracized, but she persevered in her leaning. Although her sight rapidly deteriorated, a kind
teacher taught her how to serve a volleyball. Several times she had surgery to restore her sight, after which she could see, but
only temporarily because of complications. Then she would be plunged into darkness and devastation again.
Over a period of years, she became totally blind. But Lilo was determined to excel and chose throwing the discus. With the
training of a skilled professional and with courage, persistence, and confidence in God, Lilo did excel. As a discus thrower,
she won an Olympic gold medal in 1992. Again, in the 1996 Olympics she won another medal. Her life confirms the power of
commitment to God, proactive choice, and persistent practice undergirded by faith in Him.
Cause-to-Effect Thinking
Emotional reasoning weakens the will. For example, “I feel like a failure, so I am a failure.” By considering consequences, the
front brain is activated giving us more power to succeed. While we are to acknowledge our emotions, the front brain is in
charge. Do you feel trapped in certain areas of your life? The will is a rope from God to pull you up. Here are some helpful
habits that will strengthen your front brain and subsequently, your will.
Watch your thinking language. Check yourself for reactive thinking. Counter it. If you used reactive language, acknowledge it
verbally and correct it audibly. What we say audibly registers in the brain more deeply than just thinking it.
Cultivate discipline in the areas of life adjacent to the problem. For example, obese people are usually not prone to loving
exercise that burns up calories. Do you have a problem controlling your appetite? Set up specific times to exercise. Walk an
extra seven minutes when you are thinking about returning home.
Establish habits of regularity that include meditative thinking. Make a daily checklist that helps you focus on your goals.
Goal-planning fortifies the will and the front brain. Stress suppresses many components of the immune system. When patients
experiencing stress are given some focus of control, these improve. Goals and checklists provide for this focus. Reflective
thinking helps to evaluate our goals. What values do you want to incorporate into your life? Establish small, specific goals that
will feed into your larger ones. Examine the day’s activities. What successes did you experience? What diversions? What
would be some constructive ways to overcome them? Journal your successes and defeats. We often mistake our mission for
our vision. What is your vision? Not only do we need to make a personal mission statement but a vision statement as well.

Psychologist Elden Chalmers suggests that everyday we do something we dislike to build the will. The practice of wise self-
denial increases serotonin synthesis. Serotonin, one of the major neurotransmitters, helps create and foster a good mood.
Cheerfulness improves will power.
Appreciate conflicts as opportunities. Many of us think that all conflict is intrinsically evil and live in continual dread of them.
But conflicts provide opportunities for us to reassess our values and priorities and to improve our communication skills.
Should the worst happen and people misjudge us, conflicts provide more bonding time with our Best Friend. Men of might
and moral power have often been baffled, thwarted, and opposed.
Florence Nightingale, opposed by a multitudinous bureaucracy, finally persisted in improving the quality of nursing care in
the Crimean War and raised professional nursing standards to new heights. Before engaging the bureaucracy, she had to
endure the many manipulations of her parents, who were staunchly opposed to their daughter going into nursing, which at that
time was considered a dishonorable profession.
Physical Lifestyle
Fortify your physical lifestyle with balanced activity and good nutrition. Many studies show that regular physical exercise
reduces anger, hostility, and depression, and improves the outlook and mood. Physical exercise actually facilitates learning
and memory by improving synaptic connections. B vitamins and other nutrients from whole gains, legumes, fruits, and
vegetables, are necessary to produce gamma-amino-butyric-acid (GABA), a major neurotransmitter involved in self-control.
Adequate amounts of vitamin B6 are necessary for production of both GABA and serotonin. A well balanced vegetarian diet
balances the mind, improving electrical activity in the front brain and checking the electrical activity in the lower centers.
My neurophysiology teacher emphasizes that the brain is so connected with one’s motor system that “the will goes with the
labor of the hands.” I think of my sister. When in her twenties and facing a severe posttraumatic stress syndrome, she was so
depressed she didn’t feel she could do anything. Living with an accusatory, paranoid mother didn’t help. But as she was
praying, she said, “Okay, God, my life is wasting away. I will do one job every day.” God responded, “NO, I want you to do
two.” She adhered to that commitment and soon she was able to work half-days.
By moderately reducing caloric intake now, most people can improve their later-life memory. High-fat diets reduce the
oxygen-carrying ability of the red blood cells. The brain, significantly deprived of oxygen by a high-fat diet, slows the
response time of the will.
Caffeine, a psychoactive drug, decreases the blood flow to the cerebrum. It increases distractability and impairs the ability of
the mind to deal with high load, complex situations. It stimulates, only to depress. Frequent and long-time use of caffeine
decreases the important neurochemicals, acetylcholine and serotonin. Acetylcholine is an excitatory neurotransmitter in the
frontal lobe which provides the power to initiate and to do. Serotonin contributes to a positive outlook on life. Caffeine
magnifies the effect of stressors in both the nervous and endocrine systems. It lowers the threshold to anger, hostility, and
resentment. The average American intake of coffee inhibits the will.
Alcohol, toxic to the brain, impairs moral reasoning, judgment, and discernment, and decreases the foresight essential to a
healthy development of the will. Binge-drinking contributes to the hyper-coagulability of platelets (increased blood clotting)
and thus increases the risk of stroke caused by hemorrhage in the brain. Within 24 hours just two or three drinks increase the
risk of stroke 6 times in men and 7.8 times in women!
Sleep deficiency saps the will, as well. PET scans show decreased activity in the frontal lobe with sleep debt. Good quality
sleep builds the will.
Success or failure, health confidence or querulous uncertainty, productive life or wasted opportunities, deep satisfaction or
constantly unfulfilled expectations – everything depends on the right use of the will, the inalienable God-given power to
chose.
The will may be incredibly weak due to a lifetime of abuse and prostitution to unworthy goals, behavior, and activities. But it
is still there, still respected by our Creator. Right thinking, indomitable purpose, integrity, choice of positive language,
appropriate self-discipline, wise self-denial and discipline, regarding conflicts as opportunities, and a lifestyle emphasizing
regular physical purposeful activity, good nutrition, adequate regular sleep, and avoidance of mind damaging drugs and
practices – all require the right use of the will.
The good news is that God promises to empower our will by adding His all-powerful will to our feeble, but determined effort.
And He is always a majority. With Him, we cannot fail! “For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His
good purpose.” (Philippians 32:13)

APPENDIX J: BEING A FRIEND FOR LIFE
“Two are better than one.” Ecclesiastes 4:9
Living Alone
Senior citizen Jeff Fyfe lived alone in Sidney, Australia . . . and he preferred it that way. He seldom answered the phone,
perhaps because he was hard of hearing. His wife had died years earlier, and only six-year-old Trixie, an Australian kelpie-
border collie mix, kept him company. He seldom received visitors except the occasional welcome visit from his daughter who
tried to keep in touch with him the best she could.
One day . . . wham! It felt like a baseball had slammed into his head. He tried to get up from his bed but found that he couldn’t
move his left arm or leg. Frightened, he desperately tried to make sense of what was happening to him. The phone rang. It was
probably his daughter calling to remind him of her scheduled visit in nine days. However, Jeff couldn’t drag himself over to
phone. He was completely unable to move. He concluded he must have suffered a stroke while he was asleep. Since he was a
social recluse, no one would miss him. He began to scream, but no one heard him. . . no one, that is, except Trixie.
The temperature in Jeff’s house was at least 90°F. With no way of getting water, he realized that he would die a slow,
miserable death. He drifted off to sleep and woke up crying for water, only to realize that no one was there to bring him any.
Or was there?
It wasn’t a neighbor who eventually figured out the meaning of his hoarse, mumbled cries. Jeff could hear his dog lapping
water from her bowl, making him even thirstier. He wished that Trixie could bring him water. In jumbled words he muttered
his request. Perhaps an angel interpreted his garbled speech, “Tri…wader.” Trixie jumped up on Jeff’s bed and released a
snoutful of water into his mouth. Mouth-to-mouth hydration, you might call it.
For days, each time Jeff would call out for water, Trixie would come. Her water bowl ran dry, but the dog ingeniously got a
towel and dipped it in the toilet bowl. Gratefully, he sucked on the soaked towel. Days passed. The phone rang occasionally.
After nine days, his daughter did come and he was rushed to the hospital. In spite of his ordeal, Jeff survived.
Spiritual Applications
When I read this story in a book by Brad Steiger called Animal Miracles, Inspirational and Heroic True Stories, I became
alarmed. Jeff’s ordeal could have been cut short considerably had he encouraged social connections and had someone
checking on him every day. His daughter knew Jeff loved his independence, but she failed to recognize that independence
without regular social support can become dangerous. Or perhaps she was uncomfortable with her dad’s hermit tendency but
didn’t know what to do about it.
Ellen White calls this need for social connections the “law of mutual dependence.” Solomon expressed it this way: “Two are
better than one, because they have good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion; but woe to him
who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how
can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him, and a threefold cord is not
quickly broken.” Eccl 4:9-12 NKJV
As a church, are we reaching out to lonely individuals who are pinned down by a mental illness or limited because of some
personality quirk? Perhaps they are paralyzed by fear. They are in need of encouragement, as well. Although we hesitate to
admit it, we have individuals in our church, on our campus, and in our community who are as limited in their ability to reach
out for help as those who have more obvious physical impairments. Gentle caring on a regular basis, in a manner they would
consider acceptable and appropriate, might afford some comfort to these souls.
Jeff would have received help much sooner had he had available systematic support and relationships.
Today, some of us need to go beyond our busy schedules and develop a systematic plan of
encouragement. Others of us need to reach out amid our pride and stifling mundane schedules of events
and seize precious opportunities to receive support from others.
Facts

• Scientists have discovered that perceived social isolation or loneliness predisposes individuals to diseases by increasing
the body’s reactivity to stress and diminishing repair processes. According to studies, lonely individuals or those
without adequate social support or companionship have less efficient sleep and poor wound healing.
• Researchers at the University of Chicago found that socially isolated young adults rated their everyday stress as more
tense and coped more passively when compared to those who were socially involved. They also experienced less
efficient sleep and poor wound healing.
• Animal studies show that social isolation produces a significant inflammation response, especially in females.
Isolation, perceived or otherwise, increases pro-inflammatory agents in human beings, as well. On the other hand,
studies show that those individuals who were socially integrated had fewer inflammatory markers. This is important
because inflammation fuels most chronic and autoimmune diseases.
• The Mayo Clinic found that a low social support network is equivalent to many of the classic risk factors of 1-year
mortality from a heart attack (i.e. elevated cholesterol level, tobacco use, and hypertension). In other words, lack of
friendships increases the risk of dying from a heart attack within one year, and the value of meaningful relationships is
as important as lowering cholesterol, controlling high blood pressure, and stopping smoking in recovery from a heart
attack.
• Lack of social support is an independent risk factor in promoting cognitive decline in the elderly. In Alzheimer’s
patients, cognitive deficiency was less in those with a history of good social support.
• Adequate social support promotes adherence to diabetic regimens and may act as a buffer against negative effects from
this disease. It also improves the efficiency of the immune system and the prognosis for stroke victims.
APPENDIX K: STAYING CONNECTED

“And this commandment have we from Him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.” 1
John 4:21
Recently, both CBS and ABC News reported that according to a 1985 survey done by the University of Arizona and Duke
University, individuals were found to have an average of three close confidants. Today, that average has declined from three
to two, a decrease by one-third over approximately twenty years. In addition, about 25% of individuals today feel that they
have no one in which they can confide. Sociologists conducting this study describe this drop as “dramatic.”
Lonely Hearts
Studies show that social isolation and/or loneliness predict morbidity and mortality from cancer,
cardiovascular disease, and a host of other causes. In fact, the body perceives loneliness as a threat.
Redford Williams and his colleagues at Duke University directed a study in 1992 on heart patients and
their relationships. They discovered that 50% of patients with heart disease who did not have a spouse or
someone to confide in died within five years, while only 18% of those who did have a confidant died.
The Mayo Clinic found that lack of friendships increased the risk of dying from a heart attack within one
year, and that the value of meaningful relationships was as important as lowering cholesterol, controlling
high blood pressure and high lipids, and stopping smoking in recovery from a heart attack.
Depressed Immunity
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, studied the effect of loneliness on antibodies
in healthy freshmen when given a flu vaccine. Antibodies are the immune CIA agents which help the
white blood cells identify germs. They found that “elevated levels of loneliness throughout the
semester and small social networks were independently associated with poorer antibody response to
one component of the vaccine. Those with both high levels of loneliness and a small social network
had the lowest antibody response.” (1) Loneliness also significantly reduces natural killer cell
activity. Like efficient air force bombers, natural killer cells drop molecular bombs that penetrate
viruses’ defenses. Some of their “bombs” attack the virus’ command center. They also destroy

cancer cells. Early studies suggest that lonelier medical students and psychiatric inpatients had less
efficient natural killers and killer-T function than their counterparts who reported less loneliness.
(Killer-T lymphocytes also destroy viruses and cancer cells). According to Janice K. Kiecolt-Glaser,
“The support provided by social relationships can serve as a buffer during both acute and chronic
stressors, protecting against immune dysregulation.” (2)
Another study found that women with breast cancer who perceived they had substantial social
support had greater natural killer cell activity than those women who also had breast cancer, but little
social support. Even in women with metastastic breast cancer, studies showed that greater quality of
social support was associated with “lower cortisol concentrations in women with metastatic breast
cancer,” which indicates healthier neuroendocrine functioning. However, cortisol levels were higher
among patients “who reported less appraisal, belonging, and tangible support.” (3) This is also true in
women who have ovarian cancer. (4,5)
Oral Health
Dr. Anwart Merchant and his colleagues studied 42,523 male, U.S.-based, health or medical professionals. Interestingly
enough, over half of these were dentists! Subjects who reported having at least one close friend had a 30% lower risk of
developing periodontitis compared with those who did not have any close friend. Men who participated in religious meetings
or services had a 27% lower risk of developing periodontitis compared with men who did not participate in religious meetings.
Their conclusion? “When treating patients with periodontitis, clinicians should be cognizant of the social and behavioral
factors that may affect oral health.”
For All Ages
Connectedness is essential to children’s well being. A sample of 2,022 students (999 boys and 1,023 girls) ages 12-14 years
were measured at two time points twelve months apart on school connectedness and mental health symptoms (general
functioning, depression, and anxiety symptoms). After adjusting for any prior conditions that could have led to mental health
problems, the authors of the study reported stronger than previous evidence of the association with school connectedness and
adolescent depressive symptoms and a predictive link between school connectedness to future mental health problems. (7)
Early studies suggest that there are substantial percentages of violent youth who do not perceive themselves to be liked by
classmates and report loneliness.
Spiritual Applications
Even Jesus needed connectedness with other human beings. Not only did He reach out to God the Father, during His mental
crisis in the Garden of Gethsemane, but He also reached out to His earthly friends – Peter, James, and John. Without healthy
mutual interdependence, our spiritual defenses to the sin virus will eventually be overwhelmed just like loneliness and social
isolation lower our resistance to viruses and cancer.
In addition, most of the fruits of the Spirit can be best developed in the context of relationships. The apostle John observed
that we can’t really love God unless we have some love for our brothers. (See 1 John 4:20)
Family revivals, family first movements – we need them. The prophet Malachi mentions the importance of this. However, in
our eagerness to bond with and protect our children, we can sometimes go the other extreme which can lead to social
exclusiveness.
Remember the counsel, “There are many others to whom we might make our homes a blessing. . . The Israelites, in all their
festivities, included the poor, the stranger, and the Levite. . . These were regarded as the guests of the people, to share their
hospitality on all occasions of social and religious rejoicing, and to be tenderly cared for in sickness or in need. It is such as
these whom we should make welcome in our homes. How much such a welcome might do to cheer and encourage the

missionary nurse or the teacher, the care-burdened, hard-working mother, or the feeble and aged, so often without a home.”
(8) (See also Luke 14:12-14)
“Our sympathies are to overflow the boundaries of self and the enclosure of family walls. There are precious opportunities for
those who will make their homes a blessing to others. Social influence is a wonderful power. We can use it if we will as a
means of helping those about us. (8)
We may try Family Sabbath School, but let us remember to invite singles to participate, too. Some singles need more exposure
to children. Children teach us so much. They give us so much pleasure as well as perplexity. The church needs this interaction.
Families, how about inviting a single church member to your house at least once every two months? Can’t afford it because of
tight finances or limited time to prepare? Ask them to bring a dish along. A more integrated society encourages the
development of an integrated personality. Our happiness and health depends upon the harmonious development of the
physical, mental, social, and spiritual aspects. Too much introversion, be it in individuals, families, or social cliques,
eventually leads to a social disconnect which limits our spiritual outreach and undermines the health of individuals, the
church, and society.
References
1. Health Psychol. 2005 Jul;24(4):348.

2. Psychosomatic Medicine 64:15-28; 2002.
3. Psychosomatic Medicine 62:337-345, 2000.
4. Psychosomatic Medicine, Vol 52, Issue 1 73-85, 1990.
5. Journal of Clinical Oncology, Vol 23, No 28 (October 1), 2005: pp. 7105-7113.
6. Am Dent Assoc, Vol 134, No 12, 1591-1596, 2003.
7. J Clin Child Adolesc Psychol. 2006 Jun;35(2):170-9.
8. The Ministry of Healing, p. 352-355.
Health News
Fruits and Vegetables
“Fruit and vegetable consumption is associated with lower rates of coronary heart disease. Results from observational
studies suggest a similar association with stroke. Seven studies were eligible for the meta-analysis, including 90,513
men, 141,536 women, and 2,955 strokes. The risk of stroke was decreased by 11% for each additional portion per day
of fruit, by 5% for fruit and vegetables, and by 3% for vegetables. The association between fruit or fruit and vegetables
and stroke was linear, suggesting a dose-response relationship.” Neurology 2005, October, 25,65(8):E17-18.
Another study consisted of 257,551 individuals (4,917 stroke events) with an average follow-up of thirteen years.
Compared with individuals who had less than three servings of fruit and vegetables per day, the pooled relative risk of
stroke was decreased by 11% for those with three to five servings per day, and 26% lower for those who ate more than
five servings per day. Subgroup analyses showed that fruit and vegetables had significant protective effects on strokes
caused by reduced blood flow to the brain or hemorrhages within the brain. Lancet, January 2006.
Highly sensitive C-reactive protein (hsCRP) is a proven method to predict diabetes and cardiovascular risk. Serum
concentrations of hsCRP were measured in an apparently healthy population whose ages ranged between 19-75 and
who were put on two diets: lacto-ovo-vegetarian diet and traditional mixed diet (non-vegetarian). The average hsCRP
was significantly reduced in the vegetarian group. “Low and age independent concentration of hsCRP in vegetarians is
the consequence of a long-term consumption of fruits and vegetables. These food commodities are important sources of
dietary salicylates as well as other anti-inflammatory compounds.” Bratisl Lek Listy. 2005;106(11):345-7. It is
recommended that anyone with elevated blood cholesterol, triglycerides (blood fats), diabetes, or hypertension get this
test.

Consumption of fruit and vegetables is associated with a reduced risk of death from all causes including heart disease
and stroke. In a recent study, the bioavailability of vitamin C from a Mediterranean vegetable soup (gazpacho)
consisting predominantly of tomato, pepper, and cucumber was evaluated. Drinking gazpacho (500 ml/day)
significantly increased plasma concentrations of vitamin C and also significantly decreased pro-inflammatory agents
that encouraged cardiovascular disease. Nutr Biochem. 2006 Mar;17(3):183-9. Epub 2005 Aug 15.
What is the relationship between fruit and vegetable intake to cognitive function and decline among aging women?
Participants were followed from 1976 with biennial questionnaires. Food frequency questionnaires were administered in
1984, 1986, and every four years thereafter. From 1995 to 2001, six cognitive tests were administered via telephone
measuring general cognition, verbal memory, category fluency, and working memory. The assessments were repeated
two years later for 13,388 women (>90% follow-up). Fruits were not associated with cognition or cognitive decline.
However, total vegetable intake was significantly associated with fewer declines. Specifically, on a global score
combining all tests, women in the highest quintile of cruciferous vegetables declined slower (compared with the lowest
quintile). Women who ate the greatest amount of green leafy vegetables also experienced slower decline than women
consuming the least amount of greens. Ann Neurol. 2005 May;57(5):713-20.
Stress
“Psychosocial stress exerts independent adverse effects on cardiovascular health. The recent
INTERHEART study reported that psychosocial stress accounted for approximately 30% of the
attributable risk of acute myocardial infarction.” Recent studies consistently indicate that hostility,
depression, and anxiety are all related to increased risk of coronary heart disease and cardiovascular
death. “A sense of hopelessness, in particular, appears to be strongly correlated with adverse
cardiovascular events and outcomes.” Psychosocial stress adversely affects autonomic nervous
system and hormonal regulation of the cardiovascular system, resulting in inflammation, insulin
resistance, and impaired ability of blood vessels to dilate. “Additionally, stress is often associated
with self-destructive behavior and noncompliance with medications. Psychosocial stress is a highly
modifiable risk and many factors have been shown to be protective. These include psychosocial
support, regular exercise, stress reduction training, a sense of humor, optimism, altruism, faith, and
pet ownership. Simple screening questions are available to reliably indicate a patient at risk for
psychosocial stress-related health problems.” Curr Atheroscl Rep, March, 2006.
Solomon observed that “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7). “Anxiety is a complex feeling of
uneasiness, fear, and worry, which has been associated with pulmonary, cardiovascular, and other adverse health
conditions. The aim of this work is to examine the association of the anxious state with inflammation and coagulation
(clotting) factors, in persons free of cardiovascular disease.” Undesirable clot formation contributes to 80% of heart
attacks. Chronic inflammation pushes atherosclerosis. “From May 2001 to December 2002 we randomly enrolled 453
men (19 to 89 years old) and 400 women (18 to 84 years old) stratified by age and gender, from Attica area, Greece.”
This study revealed that anxiety was associated with inflammation and coagulation markers in cardiovascular disease-
free people. Atherosclerosis, April 2006.
Nuts
Nuts and seeds are rich in unsaturated fat and other nutrients that may reduce inflammation. Frequent nut consumption
is associated with lower risk of cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes. Columbia University researchers evaluated
the frequency of nut and seed consumption on inflammatory markers associated with cardiovascular disease. After
adjusting for common cardiovascular risk factors, they found that frequent nut and seed consumption was associated
with lower levels of inflammatory markers, which may partially explain the inverse association of nut consumption with
cardiovascular disease and diabetes risk. Am J Epidemiol. 2006 Feb 1;163(3): 222-31.
Milk Thistle
Milk thistle is a potent antioxidant that destroys free radicals. Free radicals, which are not contained in the power plants
of cells or in the cells’ garbage disposals, damage membranes of cells, DNA, and other essential molecules. Damage
from free radical damage is an essential player in chronic degenerative diseases. The antioxidant quality of milk thistle
is 10 times greater than that of vitamin E. Milk thistle, as a natural COX-2 inhibitor, also exerts anti-inflammatory
effects on the body’s tissues.
Milk thistle is especially helpful for anyone who is at risk for developing liver disease. This would include anyone who
is grossly obese (or has a significant pot-belly) diabetic, or is taking drugs – prescription or otherwise. Studies show that
the active constituent in milk thistle, silymarin, reduces elevated liver enzymes. Early studies demonstrate that silymarin
can also reduce liver damage caused by certain mind-altering drugs. Another compound in this herb, silbinin, actually
stimulates protein synthesis and thus repairs and regenerates liver cells. Milk thistle also improves the ability of the liver
to detoxify cancer-producing agents. However, the liver cannot fully recover as long as harmful lifestyle habits persist.
Not only does milk thistle benefit the cells and liver, it also helps to protect the kidneys from free radical damage and
poisons. It even simulates overall kidney repair by improving their ability to synthesize protein.
Over a period of several weeks, milk thistle can reduce high blood sugar. It also can be helpful in reducing several
diabetic complications. Stories show that silybin in milk thistle significantly reduces elevated sorbitol in Type II
diabetes. Excessive sorbitol damages the nerves and can eventfully lead to neuropathy. Neuropathy can be manifested
as numbness, tingling, burning, and pain in extremities It can also interfere the heart rate or rhythm. Diabetes is a pro-
oxidant condition which generates excessive amounts of free radicals. The antioxidants in milk thistle help to counteract
these dangerous molecules.
Side effects from milk thistle are uncommon. However, women who are pregnant or individuals who are taking
medications should check with their pharmacist to prevent any possible adverse herb-drug interaction. Because the
active ingredient, silymarin, does not dissolve well in water, it should not be taken as a tea, but in standardized capsule
form with meals.
References
1. Sonnenbichler, J: Jpharmacol Exp Ther 290(3): 1375-83.

2. Zhao JH, Carcinogenesis, 20(11): 2101-2108,199.

APPENDIX L: CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS
“There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” Prov. 18:24
Foundational to the universe and life itself are relationships. Why do we need personal relationships with others,
especially when they so often go awry? What are the distinctions between healthy and unhealthy relationships? Are
relationships really worth the trouble? Not only can they cost time, money, and energy, but they can often lead to stress
and an obsessiveness with meeting other people’s needs. Why then are they essential to our health and well-being?
First, we were made in the likeness of God, and God Himself has a relational aspect of His character. He is in
relationship to other members of the Trinity and to His created beings. He created us to enjoy relationships. God
chooses to reveal His personal character traits either by contrast or comparison through human individuals – imperfect
as those individuals might be. Loving others is a result of loving Him. (1, 2)
Then, too, the grand attributes of life – love, mercy, sympathy, righteousness, and graciousness – can be understood and
enjoyed only in the context of mutual social interaction. None of these virtues can even exist without some degree of
involvement with others in meaningful relationships. As we extend these qualities to others, they are often reflected
back to us and as a result, we become happier and more helpful individuals.
We also need relationships to complement each other and balance our weaknesses and limitations. Even interpersonal
conflicts can strengthen us if we put forth the effort to explore issues and reassess, wrestle, and affirm or upgrade the
values we esteem. As we struggle with conflicting issues, our values and principles become clearer and we become
more focused on what truly is important.
Isolation, on the other hand, can lead to a variety of problems. The Bible explains that a lack of healthy relationships
can contribute to addictions. A hardening of one’s heart (lack of concern for God and others) can lead to self-
deceitfulness, a loss of sensitivity, and ultimately, submission to sensuality (addictions). (3) Love, joy, peace, kindness,
goodness, and gentleness must first be accepted, internalized, and somewhat practiced before self-control (including
victory over addictions) can be realized. (4)
However great the potential for mutual enjoyment and the benefits relationships confer, they can also become equally as
devastating if entered into with a spirit of codependency. What exactly are codependent relationships and why are they
important to recognize?
Codependency is a persistent attempt to control painful internal thoughts and feelings by manipulating external
circumstances in harmful and maladaptive ways. The codependent individual’s life revolves around one thing, one
pursuit, or one person to the detriment or exclusion of balanced perspectives and priorities. Like cancer cells,
codependency ignores natural boundaries and subverts energy, time, and resources to feed itself. Any kind of
codependency “may include (1) lack of social competence, (2) low resistance to emotional stress, and (3) poor choices
in expressing impulses.” (4)
To avoid confronting the resurfacing, devastating pain, ungodly strategies – like drugs, alcohol, binge-eating,
compulsive gambling, and many others – are entered upon to anesthetize the hurting soul. Since ungodly strategies
never heal, the disease continues to run its course. Adding to the pain of deprivation is the consequential pain resulting
from poor choices and ungodly strategies. Guilt, shame, and a broken relationship accrue interest, so that when another
crisis erupts, as it invariably will, the soul finds itself bankrupt and worse . . . destitute of hope.
Children reared in families with high stress and low nurturing are at high risk for developing codependency. It need not
have been that the family was outright abusive. The parents might have been obsessed with work, social engagements,
chronic illness, or had an unusually high level of unrealistic expectations, or perfectionist, performance-oriented
thinking, depriving their children of sufficient nurturing and guidance. As children perceive manipulation, chronic low
self-worth, suppressed feelings, avoidance behavior, perfectionist thinking in their parents and significant others, the
software of their impressionable minds accepts such behavior as normal. (5) Without adequate help and counseling,
children raised in a dysfunctional family will repeat the behaviors modeled by their parents in their adulthood, although
not necessarily in the same ways. They may resort to drugs, alcohol, food addictions, repeated infatuations, or some
other more acceptable form of dysfunction, such as spending inordinate amounts of time, energy, and money in their
work of rescuing others.

Warning Signs
A codependent individual often becomes engaged in unhealthy relationships. He may become addicted to one special
person who may or may not reinforce his over-dependence on him. In their book, Love Is A Choice, psychiatrists Frank
Minirth and Paul Meier describe what propels a person into a codependent relationship. Here are some cardinal warning
signs of a co-dependent relationship. (6)
1. An individual afflicted with codependency suffers from low self-esteem and loss of self-identity. He
compulsively and predominately draws his sense of worth from one particular individual who at first affirms
him. His happiness depends solely on another individual. His moods reflects theirs.
2. In an effort to obtain love, codependent individuals unwittingly mistake infatuation, mutual love-hunger,
physical attraction, and affections as genuine love.
3. They become compulsively obsessed with the other person, unable to let go. They feel unduly responsible for the
actions and feelings of the other. This becomes dangerous because when this happens, the person can no longer
make a decision based upon what is right. Rather, his decisions are based upon how he thinks the other person
will respond. He over-extends himself in his efforts to help the other person. His entire world revolves around
that one individual to the exclusion of balanced priori ties and development of other important relationships.
Wise counseling is essential to help him develop a healthy perspective.
4. When other individuals confront him about his codependency, he vigorously denies that a problem exists, or he
devalues their concern and downplays the seriousness of the situation.
5. The codependent person’s bondage to possessiveness, jealousy, exclusiveness, and his ability to choose, robs
him, his partner, and society of elevated virtues. The following interpersonal dynamics fuel a codependent
relationship. (6)
• A false intimacy. The closeness that is at first so appealing degrades itself into controlling manipulation
that sabotages the boundaries of both parties.
• Possessiveness, jealousy, and suspicion. “If you use up your energies with other individuals and see
how fun they are to be with, you will lose interest in me.” With his exclusivity and narrow focus, the
codependent individual attempts to shut out the company and needs of others in order to spend an
inordinate amount of time alone with his special person.
• Unnatural curiosity about the other person’s life leads to his intervention into his partner’s private
affairs and other relationships – personal habits, business arrangements, and other matters.
Eavesdropping is not recognized as an intrusion of privacy.
• Inability to choose, combined with a shallow illusion of strength, cripples the will of a codependent
individual. Even in physically abusive relationships, a wife might not leave her husband for fear of
emotional consequences. “He is all I have. I have no other resources.” A feeling of panic can arise
when the other partner starts to negotiate boundaries. “If you pull back from me or we turn down the
volume on our relationship, I will lose strength and cease to exist. But if you fill my needs for love,
affirmation, and affection, I will fill yours.”
• A fear of abandonment often underlies codependencies.
Freeing Ourselves
How can we avoid being sucked into the pit of codependency? How can we free ourselves if we find ourselves in a
codependent relationship or have codependent tendencies? This article cannot give tailor-made answers for each
individual, but it can offer broad solutions for help and hope.
A codependent individual is disconnected from others except for one person, and in a sense – from God. His final value
is in himself. His obsession is with his own inadequacy. “Am I able to keep this one relationship going? All my others
have failed.” In ungodly independence he plans and manipulates another to assuage his pain, not thinking of his friend.
His denied longing prompts him to self-justified selfishness. “I’ll get what I can to end this pain,” he cries, unconscious
of his own and others’ legitimate needs. (7)
In order to overcome any injurious habit, we must substitute the bad with good. Avoiding or extricating oneself from an
unhealthy relationship does not consist of withdrawing reflexively from any connection with contempt and disgust, but
in developing a variety of healthy connections with varying degrees of intimacy. Absence of social support is a major
social risk factor in the development of depression. One internist observed after studying the research on the topic that
“there is a compelling connection between depression and the lack of social support.” (8) In addition, distrust of others,
feelings of loneliness, isolation, and suppression of emotions weaken the immune system, while openness, trust,
successful coping skills, and social support strengthen the immune system. (9) To avoid or recover from codependency,

one must distribute concerns, time, means, and energy among several individuals rather than focusing on the needs and
contributions of just one.
Cultivate balance within your life. Because health and happiness depend upon that harmonious development of the
mental, physical, spiritual, social, emotional, and volitional dimensions of our being, our time should consist of varying
activities that recharge our batteries so that we can serve society better and more wisely. A pie-chart of how we actually
distribute our time can help us take inventory of our priorities, personality, and relationships, reinforcing the need for
balance in our lives.
Consider the motivations of the soul. I admit I sometimes have viewed codependent friendships and romances with a
less than honorable, unsympathetic disgust. However, I suspect that most of us have lurking within us subtle
motivations and sprouting seeds of potential for codependency. With faltering account-keeping of our own souls, we
inadvertently try to manage our assets like we would a retirement portfolio. Psychologist Larry Crabb spells it out in his
book Connecting. He notices that human beings have at least four agendas. (10) When carried to extreme, they
encourage codependencies or other maladaptive responses to the problems of life.
1. Depending on one’s own resources to make life successful.

2. Reducing the mystery of life to manageable strategies and following them.
3. Making it a priority to minimize personal risks.
4. Finding satisfaction whenever we can.
I suppose all of the above agendas have advantages and merits to some extent, but as we increasingly focus more on
these agendas and become less God- and other-oriented, we become egocentric and cripple our usefulness and even
happiness in this world. We use these agendas to take advantage of others. With our psuedo-gods of defense, we are in a
codependent mode of operation, using externals to suppress fears so we don’t have to deal with them! We really
understand the perspectives of God and His instruction only when we are actively connecting with Him.
One danger resulting from codependency is that we derive our self-worth from something or someone outside ourselves.
While it is important to our growth to receive feedback and appreciate constructive criticism, it is dangerous to let
position, money, our work, or loved ones define who we are. The codependent individual feels as if his pain defines
him. Cowering with pain, he seeks a better definition of himself. Permanent progress can be achieved only when one
realizes God actually loves him or else He would not have sent His Son on such an expensive errand to redeem him.
Despite past blunders and present devastation, the grace of God is open to all who seek it. In order to overcome any type
of codependency, the codependent individual must purposefully reject and renounce the values the offender(s) has/have
put upon his life and replace them with God’s evaluation of him. As this happens and he understands something of
God’s love for him, he shifts his trust away from things, position, and unhealthy relationships, toward God.
Treat the root of the disease. Don’t exchange one addiction for another. I have seen individuals give up alcohol to
become addicted to work – a more acceptable form. These individuals work rather than get essential sleep, overextend
themselves, and always compete with the clock. Their self-worth is based upon productivity, often valuing the desired
product above people, becoming irritated when interrupted. Workaholics use work to avoid people or nagging problems
of the soul, find it difficult to relax, and often work to the detriment of good lifestyle practices that would preserve
health, while shelving their family and other essential priorities. (11)
Although alcohol may no longer destroy a workaholic’s health, sleep deprivation weakens his immune system. (9) His
family still will suffer from his absence. Workaholism is now the escape. Emotional and personal needs persist and
negatively motivate the workaholic because they are not being met in healthy ways. But emotional needs as well as
temporal needs must be met, or else our emotional poverty will enter like a thief. Unmet emotional needs embezzle the
soul. Just as we need to spend time to supply our temporal needs, we must take time for our psycho-spiritual needs. (12)
The fear of abandonment needs to be seriously addressed. This is done by countering faulty thinking patterns (common
in codependency) that need to be uprooted. For example, all-or-none thinking says, “If she has other friends, she won’t
love me as much.” That is not true since true love is expansive and inclusive. Generalization thinking says, “I have to
keep my abusive spouse. Anyhow, no one else one will support me.” Unrealistic should-thinking says, “I will do
anything to keep him (even sacrifice principle). I should help him solve all his problems. He won’t survive if he leaves
me.” This type of thinking needs to be countered by unobscured values, logic, clear boundaries, personal accountability,
and healthy alternative perspectives. For many people this will mean securing constructive counseling. The blame-game
here just intensifies the problem.
For the fear of abandonment nothing works as effectively as internalizing the love and presence of God. I have
experienced codependency to some extent myself. Compensating for several real disabilities and many perceived
limitations, my work became a pseudo-god. Always fearful of not having a job, I fought my insecurities by engaging in
seemingly positive enterprises, tackling more than I could wisely handle, and neglecting personal needs until my
physical and mental health were jeopardized. Shame and persistence clouded even my good actions. I was often
motivated by self-protection. Only by realization of the grace and goodness of Jesus have I had the courage to confront
the inherent evil within me. Without it I would be impervious to genuine empathy. I would be unable to connect with
anyone for mutual benefit. Although I still have some significant battles ahead of me, I have much more peace and joy
in my life than ever before. I have found Him to be the absolute healing of abandonment and its rage that I have
experienced as the adult child of a dysfunctional family. I finally know that even when I feel so alone, misunderstood,
embarrassed, or deserted, “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (13) Indeed, He is the answer.
REFERENCES
1. 1 John 4:20, 7; 3:4, The Bible.

2. Cloud, H., Changes that Heal. Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1990, pp. 45-81.
3. Ephesians 4:18, 19, The Bible.
4. Galatians 5:22, 23, The Bible, RSV.
5. Cannon, C., Never Good Enough. Pacific Press Publishing Association, Nampa, Idaho, 1993, pp. 74-75.
6. Hemfelt, R., et al., Love is a Choice. Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1989.
7. Crabb, L., Connecting. Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee, 1997, p. 81.
8. Nedley, N., Depression The Way Out. Nedley Publishing, Ardmore, Oklahoma, 2001, p. 45.
9. Hall, E.J., Want to Bolster Your Immune System? Lifestyle Will Help! The Journal of Health & Healing,
23(3):16-19, 2001.
10. Crabb, L., Connecting. Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee, 1997, p. 91.
11.Cannon, C., Never Good Enough. Pacific Press Publishing Association, Nampa, Idaho, 1993, pp. 114-117.
12.Proverbs 6:10, 11, The Bible, KJV, ASV.
13.Proverbs 18:24, The Bible.

APPENDIX M: COUNSELS FROM THE CARPENTER OF
NAZARETH
“Let him that stole steal no more; but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing which is good, that
he may have to give to him that has need.” Ephesians 4:28
Thirty-five years ago, my life was quite a contrast to what I now perceive as normal and sometimes take for granted
today. My sophomore year of college found me succeeding academically but collapsing emotionally and
psychologically. Life at home was far than ideal. My father had long ago disappeared from our family, and my mother,
who suffered from schizophrenia, only caused the depression I was struggling with to grow darker and thicker around
me. Approaching a mental breakdown, I found myself at Wildwood. As the days and months passed and I began to
improve, I faced a dilemma: What should I do now? My stay at Wildwood was soon coming to an end, and I felt that
college and home were not healthy, viable options. Thumbing through the Bible one day, I happened upon Ephesians
4:28, “Let him that stole steal no more; but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he
may have to give to him that has need.”
I was impressed that this text was a key to one of the many doors I needed to pass through in my quest for health and
happiness. I had not stolen money or belongings, but my depression and lack of practical experience had robbed
humanity of any good I might have had to offer. “Let him labor, working with his hands the thing which is good . . .”
Here is a valuable insight into developing a healthy body and spirit—useful, manual labor for the benefit of others.
Knowing that Wildwood provided this component which I needed in order to regain my health, I decided to remain.
Recently, Reader’s Digest published an article predicting a shortage of skilled workers lacking 4-year degrees. In
Biblical times, every priest was required to be skilled in a manual trade which he could rely upon in times of necessity.
Paul, the classic example, was a tent-maker. If we are all considered “priests” for Christ (1 Peter 2:9), does this principle
still apply? A profession is helpful, but a profession and knowing a practical trade can be even more valuable. Why did
Jesus choose to be a carpenter? Perhaps engaging in a trade which utilizes not only our mental faculties but also our
hands helps to refine and ennoble our character.
Benefits of Manual Labor
1. Strengthens the front brain

Spirituality, conscience, initiative, the will, the ability to plan and execute decisions, and the motor centers which
regulate gross and discreet movements are all located in the front brain. Motivated, manual labor strengthens the
front brain more than mental work alone. Perhaps this is why Ellen White wrote that “the will goes with the labor of
the hands” (Ministry of Healing, p. 239), and that gardening will “quicken the mind and refine and elevate the
character” (Adventist Home, p. 142). Dr. Bernell Baldwin, neurophysiologist and worldwide lecturer, stated,
“Motivated work integrates the brain. The motor centers of the brain are in the center of the cerebrum. Unlike video
games and computers, useful, constructive work gives sensory balance to the mind.” Educators are aware of the
detriments of introducing computers to students before they have had sufficient exposure to the practical arts of
life—cooking, sewing, basic carpentry, gardening, and housekeeping. Dr. Baldwin was a carpentry journeyman
before he became a neurophysiologist. Computers are valuable, but they can never replace motivated, thought-
provoking manual labor in the building of intellect and character.
2. Improves eye-hand coordination
Good eye-hand coordination is essential in developing good response times. To reach for an object, the brain must
transmit visual inputs of an object to the motor area of the brain which regulates hand and arm movement. As we
age, reaction time generally slows. Studies show that elderly who engage in regular aerobic exercise have better
response times than younger individuals who engage in minimal physical exercise (if all other factors are constant).
Therefore, unless hindered by degenerative diseases, elderly should be encouraged to participate in daily manual
labor.
3. Improves balance and coordination

This decreases the risk of falling in the elderly.
4. Helps to prevent depression and anxiety

Long-term or major depression reduces the blood flow and electrical currents of the front brain and depletes it of
important chemicals, such as serotonin. It also activates the amygdala located near the middle of the brain which

stores fear-related emotions. As the amygdala becomes overactive in depression, fear often overrides trust in God,
the will is eroded, and initiative declines. Wholesome motivation deteriorates into fear-dominated self-protection.
Depression and chronic anxieties are serious and prevalent diseases. In order for them to be overcome, automatic,
negative, self-defeating thoughts and actions must be consciously replaced with positive ones. This requires
activation of the front brain.
The two motor systems which control fine and gross movements are located toward the back of the front brain and
in the center of the cerebrum. By engaging in simple carpentry, gardening, sewing, and similar activities, a
depressed or anxious individual can feed positive inputs into the front brain, helping to override negative tendencies.
The sense of accomplishment derived from a task well done improves future positive motivation. The blood flow
within the brain becomes balanced, and the chemistry in the front brain improves. Frequent physical exercise
associated with many types of manual labor enhances the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter involved in
maintaining self-control and a positive outlook, and norepinephrine, a natural anti-depressant in the brain. Several
factors, however, usually contribute to depression, and each needs to be addressed. Useful, pleasant, mind-engaging
manual labor is a valid therapy in the treatment of depression.
The hippocampus located in the temporal lobe of the brain is a key factor in learning and memory and is an
important mood regulator. Major depression, chronic anxiety, prolonged stress, and alcohol shrink the hippocampus.
Brain-derived nerve growth factor protects brain cells in the hippocampus, acts as fertilizer to the synapses, and
stimulates the development of new synapses within the hippocampus. A variety of combined physical and mental
exercises accompanied by adequate vitamin D, a diet low in sugar and high-fat foods, and good quality sleep, will
increase brain-derived nerve growth factor. The mind will become brighter and clearer, and learning will become
faster and more efficient. The sooner children and teenagers adopt these lifestyle principles, the sharper will be their
intellects and the more ennobled their characters. Industrial arts training, home economics, and school gardening
programs will not only improve the health of our front brains, but also provide a blessing to our communities and
those with whom we can share the works of our hands.
5. Development of the left brain

The cerebrum, the upper 7/8 of the brain, is divided into two hemispheres. The left hemisphere is concerned with
logic, sequential reasoning, mechanics, mathematics, and language. The right hemisphere emphasizes music, art,
emotions, imagination, and social skills. Both are necessary and are integrated and coordinated by an extensive
nerve tract called the corpus collosum. Individuals with greater activity in the left hemisphere show greater
efficiency in resisting disease than those with greater activity in the right.
Lower activity in the brain is exhibited during depression and even after recovery. Blood flow within the brain shifts
to areas being used, and lower activity in the left brain results in less blood, along with its oxygen and nutrients.
Depressed young boys compared with those which did not suffer from depression, had less activity in the left side of
the brain and greater activity in the right side, which resulted in significantly reduced grip strength in their right
hands. Similar observations have been made regarding social phobias and post-traumatic-stress syndrome. However,
altruistic, mind-engaging, useful, manual labor increases brain activity and improves blood flow to the left
hemisphere of the brain.
6. Improved learning by movement and manipulation

Elementary teachers will testify that one of the best ways to help a student learn math is by using manipulative
techniques. Movement seems essential in the development of memory and language skills. Evidence in
neurobiology links the cerebellum, an organ in the lower back of brain which coordinates movements, to the
coordination of thoughts. PET scan studies show that reflective thinking and mental effort produce increased blood
flow to the prefrontal brain and the right side of the cerebellum.
Evidence is mounting that regular, physical exercise, which accompanies manual tasks such as housekeeping,
organizing, and yard work, could prevent, slow down and to some extent even heal the deterioration of the brain
caused by aging. The neural circuits involved in manual labor, which compose the brain’s infrastructure, often
enable us to unlock or develop other circuits in learning. Useful labor can be a gateway to higher learning.
When I was 2½ years old, I developed a brain infection which resulted in significant damage to certain areas of my
brain. An area in the front brain which regulated motor aspects of speech and an area concerned with distinguishing
various phonetic sounds were severely damaged. As a result, my speech was garbled. I would say “mook” for milk,
“fill” for feel, “eagernant” for ignorant, and “of curse” for “of course,” and I was not able to hear the difference. I

could read and understand history, but not science. Decoding big words detracted from my capacity to understand
technical language. My “t” and “d” sounds were indistinguishable.
In my forties, I was impressed to take a reading class. I put every effort into learning not only when to make a sound,
but also how. In order to hear the difference between “fill” and “feel” and produce the word correctly, I had to feel
the position of my facial muscles and tongue and analyze my face in the mirror. To this day, if I want to enunciate a
long “i” sound, I make sure to exhibit a wide smile.
7. Fosters a deeper kinship with our Creator and His creation

When God created the atmosphere, the waters, our solar system, plants, and animals, He spoke, “Let there be . . .”
But when He made Adam from the dust, he shaped and formed him. After assigning Adam the mental task of
classifying and naming the plants and animals, He gave the first couple the mind-engaging, hands-on work of
dressing and keeping the most exquisitely beautiful environment that ever existed upon the earth.
8. Essential for the finishing of God’s work

Moses was a skilled and learned general, but he needed 40 years of practical training before he was truly equipped to
lead Israel out of Egypt. William Miller, the famous preacher of the 1800’s, was a farmer. Abraham Lincoln split
rails. Hudson Taylor, the great missionary to China, studied a practical medical missionary course before he
launched out on his journey over the seas. It was a carpenter, Danny Shelton, who fulfilled a life-long dream of
starting an international television program with the purpose of broadcasting the gospel. Doug Batchelor, a famous
evangelist, spent years sawing wood before he developed his worldwide ministry. How about you and me? Does
God have a work for us to do so that we can be equipped for His service?
What Can We Do?
Perhaps some feel the way I did in my early years at Wildwood. Maybe you work faithfully, but feel you are an
unskilled laborer. The prophet, Amos, was a migrant picker of second-rate figs. Yet God used him mightily. Or perhaps
you do not possess the coordination and dexterity you feel is necessary to be skillful in your work. At one time, my
hands were clumsy as a result of the brain infection I experienced as a child. My hands have slowly become more
efficient and coordinated, but they will never be the most graceful or dexterous in detailed work. As a young
housekeeper and patient care worker, I wanted to give the best service I could through my hands. But what could I do
with the challenges I possessed?
I found this wonderful promise: “Having little self-confidence, they give God all the glory. Their hands may be rough
and unskilled, but their hearts are susceptible to pity; they are filled with an earnest desire to do something to relieve
the woe so abundant; and Christ is present to help them. He works through those who discern mercy in misery, gain in
the loss of all things. When the Light of the world passes by, privileges appear in all hardships, order in confusion, the
success and wisdom of God in that which has seemed to be a failure” (Testimonies, Volume 2, p. 272).
*This article appeared in a copyrighted issue of The Journal of Health & Healing published by Wildwood Lifestyle
Center & Hospital
APPENDIX N: ENCOURAGING WORDS

“Hitherto hath the LORD helped us.” 1 Samuel 7:12
• “The Lord is seeking to teach my husband to have a spirit of forgiveness, and forgetfulness of the dark passages in
his experience. The remembrance of the unpleasant past only saddens the present, and he lives over again the
unpleasant portion of his life’s history. In so doing he is clinging to the darkness and is pressing the thorn deeper
into his spirit. This is my husband’s infirmity, and it is displeasing to God. This brings darkness and not light. He
may feel apparent relief for the time in expressing his feelings; but it only makes more acute the sense of how great
his sufferings and trials have been, until the whole becomes magnified in his imagination, and the errors of his
brethren, who have aided in bringing these trials upon him, look so grievous that their wrongs seem to him past
endurance.” 3T 97
• “My husband has cherished this darkness so long by living over the unhappy past that he has but little power to
control his mind when dwelling upon these things. Circumstances and events which once he would not have minded,

magnify before him into grievous wrongs on the part of his brethren. He has become so sensitive to the wrongs
under which he has suffered that it is necessary that he should be as little as possible in the vicinity of Battle Creek,
where many of the unpleasant circumstances occurred. God will heal his wounded spirit, if he will let Him. But in
doing this, he will have to bury the past. He should not talk of it, or write of it.” 3T 97 (cp. TDG 121 “Let every root
of bitterness be dug up and buried.”)
• “But he answered and said, Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up.” Matthew
5:13
• “It is positively displeasing to God for my husband to recount his difficulties and his peculiar grievances of the past.
If he had looked upon these things in the light that they were not done to him, but to the Lord, whose instrument he
is, then he would have received a great reward. But he has taken the murmurings of his brethren as though done to
himself and has felt called upon to make all understand the wrong and wickedness of thus complaining of him when
he did not deserve their censure and abuse. . . . I saw that my husband should not dwell upon the painful facts in our
experience. Neither should he write his grievances, but keep as far from them as he can. The Lord will heal the
wounds of the past if he will turn his attention away from them. ‘For our light affliction, which is but for a moment,
worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but
at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are
eternal.’ When confessions are made by his brethren who have been wrong, he should accept the confessions and
generously, nobly, seek to encourage those who have been deceived by the enemy. He should cultivate a forgiving
spirit and should not dwell upon the mistakes and errors of others, for in so doing he not only weakens his own soul,
but tortures the minds of his brethren who have erred, when they may have done all that they can do by confession
to correct their past errors. If God sees it necessary that any portion of their past course should be presented before
them, that they may understand how to shun errors in future, He will do this work; my husband should not trust
himself to do it, for it awakens past scenes of suffering that the Lord would have him forget.” 3T 98
• “We must expect to meet and bear with great imperfections in those who are young and inexperienced. Christ has
bidden us seek to restore such in the spirit of meekness, and He holds us responsible for pursuing a course which
will drive them to discouragement, despair, and ruin. Unless we daily cultivate the precious plant of love we are in
danger of becoming narrow, unsympathetic, bigoted, and critical, esteeming ourselves righteous when we are far
from being approved of God. Some are uncourteous, abrupt, and harsh. They are like chestnut burs: they prick
whenever touched. These do incalculable harm by misrepresenting our loving Saviour.” 5T 605
• “When one burdened with a heavy load is at the foot of a difficult hill, surrounded with discouragements, and in
need of strong, cheerful helpers, much time is often wasted in criticism, scolding, and fretting. But this does not
move the load. The ones upon whom the pressure rests most heavily do not need or deserve the censure. This might
more appropriately fall upon those who should have shared the burden earlier. But even then censure might be
inappropriate, and it would certainly be useless. Our first thought should be, How can we help to lift the load? Time
is precious. There is too much at stake to run the risk of delay.” 6T 463
• “Dear sister, I was shown that you bring darkness into your own soul by dwelling upon the mistakes and
imperfections of others. You will never have their sins to answer for, but you have a work to do for your own soul
and for your own family that no other can do for you. You need to crucify self and to check the disposition to
magnify your neighbors’ faults and to talk thoughtlessly. There are subjects upon which you may converse with the
very best results. It is always safe to speak of Jesus, of the Christian’s hope, and of the beauties of our faith. Let your
tongue be sanctified to God, that your speech may be ever seasoned with grace. ‘Finally, brethren, whatsoever things
are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are
lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these
things.’” 4T 135
Dealing with Our Past Failures
• “Life is like a voyage. We have storm and sunshine, but we bear in mind that we are nearing the desired haven. We
shall soon be beyond the storms and tempests. Our present duty is to hearken to the voice that says, ‘Learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart’ (Matt. 11:29). We must accept this invitation daily. The past is contained in the
book where all things are written down. We cannot blot out the record, but we can learn many things if we choose.
The past should teach us its lessons. As we make the past our monitor, we may also make it our friend. As we call to
mind that in the past which has been disagreeable, let it teach us not to repeat it. In the future let nothing be traced
which will cause regret in the by-and-by. We may now avoid a bad showing. Every day we live we are making our
history. Today is ours, yesterday is beyond our amendment or control. Then let us not grieve the Spirit of God today,
for tomorrow we shall not be able to recall this day; it will be yesterday to us. Jesus Christ has plentiful help and
grace for all who will appreciate it. The Lord is our helper; with Him is forgiveness. He alone can blot out the sins of
the past. He can strengthen the mind. If we regard the past as no longer our enemy but as a friend to warn us off the
ground we should not approach, it will prove a true friend.” TMK 89

• “The world is out of joint. As we look at the picture, the outlook seems discouraging. But Christ greets with hopeful
assurance the very men and women who cause us discouragement. In them He sees qualifications that will enable
them to take a place in His vineyard. If they will constantly be learners, through His providence He will make them
men and women fitted to do a work that is not beyond their capabilities; through the impartation of the Holy Spirit
He will give them power of utterance.” 7T 271
• “Many of the barren, unworked fields must be entered by beginners. The brightness of the Saviour’s view of the
world will inspire confidence in many workers, who, if they begin in humility, and put their hearts into the work,
will be found to be the right men for the time and place. Christ sees all the misery and despair of the world, the sight
of which would bow down some of our workers of large capabilities with a weight of discouragement so great that
they would not know how even to begin the work of leading men and women to the first round of the ladder. Their
precise methods are of little value. They would stand above the lower rounds of the ladder, saying: ‘Come up where
we are.’ But the poor souls do not know where to put their feet.” 7T 271
• “Christ’s heart is cheered by the sight of those who are poor in every sense of the term; cheered by His view of the
ill-used ones who are meek; cheered by the seemingly unsatisfied hungering after righteousness, by the inability of
many to begin. He welcomes, as it were, the very condition of things that would discourage many ministers. He
corrects our erring piety, giving the burden of the work for the poor and needy in the rough places of the earth to
men and women who have hearts that can feel for the ignorant and for those that are out of the way. The Lord
teaches these workers how to meet those whom He wishes them to help. They will be encouraged as they see doors
opening for them to enter places where they can do medical missionary work. Having little self-confidence, they
give God all the glory. Their hands may be rough and unskilled, but their hearts are susceptible to pity; they are
filled with an earnest desire to do something to relieve the woe so abundant; and Christ is present to help them. He
works through those who discern mercy in misery, gain in the loss of all things. When the Light of the world passes
by, privileges appear in all hardships, order in confusion, the success and wisdom of God in that which has seemed
to be failure.” 7T 271
• “My brethren and sisters, in your ministry come close to the people. Uplift those who are cast down. Treat of
calamities as disguised blessings, of woes as mercies. Work in a way that will cause hope to spring up in the place of
despair.” 7T 272
• “To draw us away from all this is the precious ladder. The eye is attracted to God above the ladder. The invitation
comes from the glory above it, Come up higher. The heart is attracted. Steps are taken in advance, one after another.
Higher and still higher we ascend. At every step the attraction becomes greater. Higher, holier ambitions take
possession of the soul. The guilt of the past life is left behind. We dare not look down the ladder at those things
which long poisoned the springs of true happiness and kindled remorse, weakened and depraved the will, and
repressed every better impulse.” OHC 71
• “You feel at liberty to moan and groan over bereavements, things that are past, out of your keeping, things you
cannot change or alter, you will neglect the present duties lying directly in your pathway. Look unto Jesus, who is
the Author and Finisher of your faith. Turn your attention from subjects which make you gloomy and sad, for you
become an agent in the hands of the enemy to multiply gloom and darkness and you will make the atmosphere
surrounding your soul dark and forbidding. Although severe afflictions may come upon you, it is your business to
look up, and to see light in Jesus.” TDG 233
• “Oh, where, as a people, are our commemorative stones? Where are set up our monumental pillars carved with
letters expressing the precious story of what God has done for us in our experience? Can we not, in view of the past,
look on new trials and increased perplexities – even afflictions, privations, and bereavements – and not be dismayed,
but look upon the past and say, ‘“Hitherto hath the Lord helped us.”’ I will commit the keeping of my soul unto Him
as unto a faithful Creator. He will keep that which I have committed to His trust against that day. “As thy days, so
shall thy strength be.”’ Manuscript 22, 1889 (3SM 320)
• “Do all in your power to gain perfection; but do not think that because you make mistakes you are excluded from
God’s service. The Lord knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. As you use faithfully the talents God has
given you, you will gain knowledge that will make you dissatisfied with self. You will see the need of sifting away
harmful habits, lest by a wrong example you injure others.” MYP 226
• “Do you make mistakes? Do not let this discourage you. The Lord may permit you to make small mistakes in order
to save you from making larger mistakes. Go to Jesus, and ask Him to forgive you, and then believe that He does. ‘If
we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’” WM
152
• “We should not try to lessen our guilt by excusing sin. We must accept God’s estimate of sin, and that is heavy
indeed. Calvary alone can reveal the terrible enormity of sin. If we had to bear our own guilt, it would crush us. But
the sinless One has taken our place; though undeserving, He has borne our iniquity. ‘If we confess our sins, [God] is
faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ 1 John 1:9 Glorious truth! – just
to His own law, and yet the Justifier of all that believe in Jesus. ‘Who is a God like unto Thee, that pardoneth
iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of His heritage? He retaineth not His anger forever,
because He delighteth in mercy.’ Micah 7:18” MB 116
• “My heart is drawn out toward you. The Lord has not left you. He is a God of tender compassion and wonderful
loving-kindness, and He does not desire you to walk in darkness. You need not cast yourself away; for the Lord
says, ‘His life need not be a failure. I will make him Mine. I will show him that I prize his soul. I will strive with
him, and lift him up. He must not perish. I have a special work for him to do. If he will unite with Me, believe in
Me, and work for Me, his weakest points of character, notwithstanding his past failures, will become his strongest
points.’” MM 41
• “Jesus loves you, and He has given me a message for you. His great heart of infinite tenderness yearns over you. He
sends you the message that you may recover yourself from the snare of the enemy. You may regain your self-
respect. You may stand where you regard yourself, not as a failure, but as a conqueror, in and through the uplifting
influence of the Spirit of God. Take hold of the hand of Christ, and do not let it go.” MM 43
• “Some God trains by bringing to them disappointment and apparent [emphasis supplied] failure. It is His purpose
that they shall learn to master difficulties. He inspires them with a determination to prove every apparent failure a
success. Often men pray and weep because of the perplexities and obstacles that confront them. But if they will hold
the beginning of their confidence steadfast unto the end, God will make their way clear. Success will come as they
struggle against apparently insurmountable difficulties and with success will come the greatest joy.” GW 269
(apparent = obvious, seemingly)
• “But if he seeks the Lord with humility and trust, every trial will work for his good. He may sometimes seem to fail,
but his apparent failure may be God’s way of bringing him true advancement, and may mean a better knowledge of
himself and a firmer trust in Heaven. He may still make mistakes, but he learns not to repeat these mistakes. He
becomes stronger to resist evil, and others reap benefit from his example.” GW 142
• “Our efforts to resist the attacks of Satan must be earnest and persevering. He employs his strength and skill in
trying to turn us out of the right way. He watches our going out and our coming in, that he may find opportunity to
hurt or destroy us. He works most successfully in darkness, injuring those who are ignorant of his devices. He could
not gain advantage if his method of attack were understood. The instruments he employs to effect his purposes, and
transmit his fiery darts, are often the members of our own families.” 1T 308
• “Those we love may speak or act unguardedly, which may wound us deeply. It was not their intention to do this; but
Satan magnifies their words and acts before the mind, and thus hurls a dart from his quiver to pierce us. We brace
ourselves to resist the one whom we think has injured us, and by so doing we encourage Satan’s temptations. Instead
of praying to God for strength to resist Satan, we suffer our happiness to be marred by trying to stand for what we
term ‘our rights.’ Thus we allow Satan a double advantage. We act out our aggrieved feelings, and Satan uses us as
his agents to wound and distress those who did not intend to injure us. The requirements of the husband may
sometimes seem unreasonable to the wife, when if she should calmly, candidly take the second view of the matter,
in as favorable a light for him as possible, she would see that to yield her own way and submit to his judgment, even
if it conflicted with her feelings, would save them both from unhappiness and would give them great victory over
the temptations of Satan.” 1T 308
• “I saw that the enemy will contend either for the usefulness or the life of the godly, and will try to mar their peace as
long as they live in this world. But his power is limited. He may cause the furnace to be heated, but Jesus and angels
will watch the trusting Christian, that nothing may be consumed but the dross. The fire kindled by Satan can have no
power to destroy or hurt the true metal. It is important to close every door possible, against the entrance of Satan. It
is the privilege of every family so to live that Satan can take no advantage of anything they may say or do, to tear
one another down. Every member of the family should bear in mind that all have just as much as they can do to
resist our wily foe, and with earnest prayers and unyielding faith each must rely upon the merits of the blood of
Christ and claim His saving strength.” 1T 309
• “The powers of darkness gather about the soul and shut Jesus from our sight, and at times we can only wait in
sorrow and amazement until the cloud passes over. These seasons are sometimes terrible. Hope seems to fail, and
despair seizes upon us. In these dreadful hours we must learn to trust, to depend solely upon the merits of the
atonement, and in all our helpless unworthiness cast ourselves upon the merits of the crucified and risen Saviour.
We shall never perish while we do this – never! When light shines on our pathway, it is no great thing to be strong in
the strength of grace. But to wait patiently in hope when clouds envelop us and all is dark, requires faith and
submission which causes our will to be swallowed up in the will of God. We are too quickly discouraged, and
earnestly cry for the trial to be removed from us, when we should plead for patience to endure and grace to
overcome.” 1T 309
.

6M Mental Health Mar10 (Secured)

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

6M Mental Health Mar10 (Secured)

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

MENTAL HEALTH

College of Health Evangelism

All rights reserved by author – 2006

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

Chapter/Topic Page Number

CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION .................................................................................................................................2

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 1

Importance of Mental Health

Mental Health Topics

Person’s ability to think, choose, and act (Ed. 17)

1. How behavior influences the mind

The Mind-Body Connection

Our doing comes from our being

Caffeine and the brain

Physical exercise and the mind

2 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

Reciprocal blessing or curses

Thoughts, attitudes, and feelings

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 3

4 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 5

6 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

8. Always Being Right

• James 5:16, Matt. 7:3

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 7

10. Control Thinking

• Control others or our feelings by inappropriate behavior

11. Blaming/Global labeling

8 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

12. Emotional Reasoning

• Basing thoughts on feelings

• “They don't pay me enough, so I can go 15 minutes early.”

14. Oversimplifying and Compartmentalizing

• Fitting life into nice little packages

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 9

10 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

1. “I must be approved by everyone for the things I do or I become anxious or depressed.”

• Ellen White – Conflict

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 11

• Ellen White – Unity and Interdependence

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 13

Controlling Core Beliefs

1. “If things don’t go as I have planned, I am out of control.” (Self-control)

• Ellen White – Control

14 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

1. The Holy Bible

16 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

What does it involve?

Why Deal with the Past?

3. Hiding the past involves a form of dishonesty.

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 17

10. To deepen repentance and give encouragement.

18 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 19

1. The past teaches us helpful lessons

20 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

Dealing with the Past Successfully

1. Recognize and avoid the two ditches.

2. Justification is the key to dealing with sins of the past.

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 21

22 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org

Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org 23

24 Property of Lay Institute for Global Health Training – www.lightingtheworld.org