LORD OF THE LUNCH

By D. M. Larson
CAST OF CHARACTERS (5 or more)

SALLY: Student who loves the LUNCH LADY’s healthy cooking.

TOMMY: Student who doesn’t like the LUNCH LADY’s food and is happy to see the
LORD of the Lunch cook.

JO: Grumpy student who doesn’t like LUNCH LADY.

LORD: Excellent chef who comes to save the day when LUNCH LADY goes missing.

LADY: The school cook who loves hair nets.

*MINNY: the minstrel, who recites or sings the poem at the end in a medieval fashion
(this part can also be played by JO or TOMMY)

*KIDS: Optional Extras

*optional cast

SCENE

(KIDS wait in line in the lunchroom. SALLY is first in line looking around for lunch lady.
TOMMY, JO and other KIDS look annoyed)

SALLY: Where is the lunch lady?

TOMMY: She’s never late.

JO: How long can it take to make that slop she throws together?

TOMMY: I wish my parents would let me bring my own lunch.

JO: Me too. I hate the food here.

SALLY: It may not look pretty, but it is very nutritious. It has all the essential vitamins
and wholesome ingredients to keep us healthy and strong.

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TOMMY: But does it have to look so gross?

JO: Looks like something a bird makes for its young.

(JO pretends to be a mama bird regurgitating food. TOMMY laughs and cringes when
JO acts like he is the baby bird she is going to feed. Suddenly LORD appears with
covered silver platters)

LORD: Hail, my good people. Your feast is served!

TOMMY: Who’s that?

SALLY: That’s not our lunch lady.

JO: What do you call a guy who works at a school cafeteria?

TOMMY: A lunch lord?

LORD: That is I, the Lord of the Lunch. Come forth and partake of this delicious meal,
young ones.

JO: That actually smells good.

(LORD uncovers a platter of food and gives it to TOMMY)

TOMMY: And looks good too!

SALLY: Where is our lunch lady?

LORD: Alas, she can’t be found anywhere. So they called on me to save the day.

(TOMMY takes a bite of what he is served)

TOMMY: This is really good! All hail, the Lord of the Lunch!

JO: All hail, the Lord of the Lunch!

(KIDS cheer except for SALLY)

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KIDS: Hurray!

SALLY: This isn’t healthy food. Is this school approved?

LORD: Due to the last minute switch, the school has given me free reign over this
domain. So I got a little creative.

TOMMY: A little? This is amazing. Try it, Sally.

SALLY: I prefer the lunch lady’s healthier options.

JO: You’re crazy. This actually takes like food. Actually, it’s better than most food. It’s
amazing.

LORD: Why, thank you, kind citizen.

(SALLY exits angrily)

TOMMY: So are you really called The Lord of the Lunch?

LORD: Indeed.

(LORD gets a metal ladle and a metal pan lid and plays them while he sings)

LORD (chants): They call me Lord of the Lunch, and my food they like to munch.

KIDS: They call him Lord of the Lunch, and his food we like to munch.

(LORD plays and dances)

LORD: Hey! Hey! Hey!

KIDS: Hey! Hey! Hey!

(SALLY rushes back in)

SALLY: Wait a minute!

(Everyone stops)

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TOMMY: What’s wrong now, Sally?

SALLY: I found the lunch lady.

JO: Why… why… why would you do such a thing?

(LUNCH LADY enters angrily. She has on a hair net but otherwise looks messed up)

LORD: Egads!

SALLY: Someone locked her in the janitor’s closet.

LADY: And it wasn’t the janitor.

(LORD is nervous)

LORD: I wonder who did that?

LADY: I came in early to get the kitchen ready for the school day and some mysterious,
dark figure came from the shadows and shoved me into the closet and locked the door.

LORD: How strange.

LADY: Don’t play innocent. I know you’ve been after my job.

LORD: It is a glorious vocation, I must admit.

LADY: See! He admits it!

LORD: There’s only one way to settle this.

SALLY: By calling the cops?

LORD: No, by doing battle!

KIDS (except SALLY): Hurray! Fight. Fight. Fight.

SALLY: Fight? Are you insane? That’s not how…

LORD: Choose your weapons.

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SALLY: I’ll go get help.

LADY: No, Sally. Wait. I accept his challenge.

LORD and KIDS (except SALLY): Huzzah!

(LORD and LADY survey the kitchen and size each other up before the battle)

TOMMY: I wonder what weapons they’ll pick?

JO: Knives. Gotta be knives. Cooks love knives.

LORD: I select… my ladle of doom!

JO: What?!

LADY: And I select hair nets!

(LADY pulls hair nets from her pocket)

LORD: A worthy weapon.

TOMMY: Is it?

KIDS: Fight! Fight! Fight!

(LADY and LORD circle each other. LORD hums a fighting tune. LADY shoots a hair net
at him and he yelps in pain. She shoots another and he drops his ladle. She chases him
off stage and he lets out a big cry of pain. He stumbles in and has his hands over his
eyes)

LORD: Alas! She shot me in my eyes. I can not see!

(Then LUNCH LADY puts hair net over his head and hands so he is stuck with his
hands over his face and he falls down. She puts her foot on him to hold him down and
raises her hands in victory)

SALLY: Hurray for the Lunch Lady!

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JO: Back to school gruel again.

TOMMY: So much for the Lord of the Lunch.

(One of the KIDS, MINNY, recites a poem like a medieval minstrel - this part can be
done by JO or TOMMY if it is a smaller cast)

MINNY: The Lord of the Lunch almost won the day

With food so rich, like delicious pate’.
For him we cheer, wishing for more
But he made our old lunch lady sore.
With hair nets and ladles, they did battle.
And our Lord fell out of his saddle.
A great chef fallen to a mightier foe.
Whose food tastes like a rotten toe.

END OF PLAY