Women at The Centre - Script

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WOMEN AT THE CENTER
A collection of 10-minute plays featuring female protagonists
By Deirdre Girard
Copyright © MMXXI by Deirdre Girard, All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-61588-504-6
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2 WOMEN AT THE CENTER
WOMEN AT THE CENTER

A collection of 10-minute plays featuring female protagonists
By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: Women at the Center consists of nine ten-minute plays with

female protagonists of all ages. These women drive the action of the plays;
they are the ones experiencing a journey of change. Contemporary dramas,
comedies, love stories, mysteries, and “dramadies” are all in the mix. These
plays have been selected for national and international theater festivals, have
won judges or audience favorite awards, and received top media reviews.
Heading Toward Tiki Villa introduces us to Emma, who is just about to walk
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away from the one person who might actually make her happy. The Kids from
the Lake takes a more serious turn as Ashley struggles with the secret that
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caused her to flee from her old friends. In You’re Home Now, Gloria is pretty
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sure she’s been kidnapped, but she’s just a little bit hesitant to make that 911
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call. Claire takes a job cleaning a local mansion in In the Buff, hoping to
unlock the mystery of her mother’s obsession with the place. A Hedge Against
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Loneliness finds Elizabeth contemplating an unconventional choice that’s out

of keeping with her rather conventional life. Jennifer is doing everything she
can to extricate herself from a hilariously out of control relationship in
Breaking Up is Hard to Do. In Little Black Mark, Mia fights the tyranny of
perfection with the help of her robotics skills. Julia seems like she’s got it all
together in Because You’re Julia until a knock on the door sends her into a
heart-pounding tailspin. And Are You One of Those Robots ends the evening
with Ruth trying desperately to reconnect with her estranged daughter before
it’s too late.
DURATION: 90 minutes.
SETTING: Various settings.
TIME: Present.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 3
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(3-11 females, 1-6 males, 0-3 either)
HEADING TOWARD TIKI VILLA

EMMA (f)
DAVE (m)
THE KIDS FROM THE LAKE

ASHLEY (f)
SAM (m)
YOU’RE HOME NOW
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GLORIA (f)
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MATT (m)
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IN THE BUFF r
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CLAIRE (f)
ANDY (m)
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A HEDGE AGAINST LONELINESS

ELIZABETH (f)
BRADY (m)
OFF-STAGE VOICE (m/f)
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
JENNIFER (f)
TONY (m)
LITTLE BLACK MARK

KELLY (f)
MIA (f)
STACY (f)
BECAUSE YOU’RE JULIA

JULIA (f)
AMELIA (f)
OFF STAGE VOICE (m)
ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE ROBOTS?

RUTH (f)
ANNE (f)
PATIENT 1 (m/f)
PATIENT 2 (m/f)
DIRECTOR’S NOTE: Plays can be performed in any order. Each play can
be cast and directed individually to create a robust event that is sure to draw
large audiences because of the number of performers involved, or a single
director and ensemble of 6-8 actors can perform all the plays.
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DEIRDRE GIRARD 5
HEADING TOWARD TIKI VILLA

By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: Emma’s just broken up with a total jerk and the last thing she
needs is to be hit on by Dave, a pretty unremarkable guy who is convinced he
has cute dimples. But somehow Dave is getting under her skin, making her
re-evaluate her entire take on men, and leaving her determined to control her
own future—which may very well involve finding her way to Tiki Villa.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 female, 1 male)
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EMMA (f) ....................................... Mid-late 20’s, absolutely stunning and
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stylish, wearing a party dress, somewhat
guarded and not at her best emotionally.
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DAVE (m) ....................................... Late 20’s-early 30’s, average looking,

with a quick and quirky sense of humor.
an Dressed casually. (45 lines)
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SETTING: A large room with a few scattered chairs in an empty building.

TIME: The present.
♦ ♦ ♦
AT START: EMMA, dressed for a party, is sitting on a chair facing the
audience in a large empty room. She is unhappy, uncomfortable,
looking at her watch. DAVE enters unnoticed by EMMA, and looks
around the surprisingly empty room, assessing the situation.
DAVE: (Speaking to EMMA’S back.) Are you my Valentine?

EMMA: (Turning.) Yes! Thank God. I was starting to think I was in the
wrong place!
DAVE: Wow. Not that it matters, but—
EMMA: Can you believe no one else showed?
DAVE: …you’re beautiful.
EMMA: What? Okay, back off creeper.
DAVE: (Teasing.) Weren’t you the one who just said you were my
Valentine?
EMMA: I assumed you were asking if this was the “Are you my
Valentine” party!
DAVE: So you’re not my Valentine?
EMMA: Oh God.
DAVE: Kidding! I was trying to break the ice. (Looking around the
empty room.) Because this is kind of awkward.
EMMA: More like pathetic.
DAVE: But at least it will make a great story…
EMMA: Don’t tell me, let me guess. You blog.
DAVE: (Pulling out his phone and aiming the camera at her.) Great
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idea. Smile!
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EMMA: Stop!
DAVE: What? Having a sense of humor?
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EMMA: (Laughing.) Sorry. You’re right. I’m definitely feeling a little
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sorry for myself.

DAVE: And to think I blew off my traditional Valentine’s celebration for
this…
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EMMA: Yeah? What do you usually do?

DAVE: Head to Tiki Villa with the guys.
EMMA: Seriously?
DAVE: It’s our tradition—giant Scorpion bowl, six straws. But this year
I thought I’d do something different. And when I saw a Valentine’s
party posted on my favorite website…
EMMA: "Artists in Action.” I love it too.
DAVE: Actually, I saw it on a Panda Bear fetish site, but still…
EMMA: (In a panic.) What?!
DAVE: You really have to work with me here. No giant Scorpion bowl,
no Panda Bear fetish. But this is the last time I translate sarcasm
for you.
EMMA: (Laughing.) Okay.
DAVE: At least I’ll have something new to talk about at Tiki Villa
tonight.
EMMA: Ah ha! So there really is a Tiki Villa.
DAVE: Possibly.
EMMA: You’re actually going to tell your friends about this?
DEIRDRE GIRARD 7
DAVE: Absolutely. They’ll never believe it. I walk into a Valentine’s

party, and there’s literally only one other person in the room? Who
happens to be a strikingly beautiful woman?
EMMA: That’s not what I’m here for, no offense.
DAVE: What isn’t what you’re here for?
EMMA: Forget it.
DAVE: No, I’m intrigued. You obviously didn’t come here to have fun.
So why?
EMMA: Honestly? I dumped my jerk of a boyfriend yesterday. So I had
to find somewhere to go at the last minute.
DAVE: Couldn’t you have just hung out with your friends?
EMMA: I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. Totally ridiculous, right?
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Trekking all the way out here for… whatever.
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DAVE: For me?
EMMA: That’s not what I meant.
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DAVE: Don’t worry, I get it. I’m the kind of guy who’s only exciting to
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women if they hear I’m a boy genius who sold out to Google for a
fortune…
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EMMA: (Intrigued.) Are you?
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DAVE: I wish.
EMMA: But you’re an artist?
DAVE: Thinking you might still come out of tonight with a win? “He’s
not much to look at, but he just published his third novel, and it was
short listed for the National Book Award! Come to think of it, he does
have a nice smile and a cute little dimple…”
EMMA: I refuse to ask if you’re actually a published novelist…
DAVE: But you’re tempted…
EMMA: No.
DAVE: You are. So I’ll satisfy your insatiable curiosity about me.
EMMA laughs despite herself.
DAVE: (Continued.) While I certainly do have the aforementioned cute

little dimple—
EMMA: (Examining his face closely.) Don’t see a thing…
DAVE: I am, sadly, not a successful novelist. Yet. But I do write.
EMMA: Fiction?
DAVE: Ad copy. So basically the same thing.
EMMA: At least you’re employed. That would be enough for plenty of

women I know.
DAVE: Thank God for low expectations.
EMMA: Why are you twisting everything that comes out of my mouth?
DAVE: Because it’s really fun.
EMMA: (Getting up to leave.) Well, this has been… interesting. But I
think I’ll go home, take a nice long bath, get to bed early, and hope
that things don’t look so bad in the morning.
DAVE: Bummer for you, but I think they will.
EMMA: Excuse me?
DAVE: It’s usually not “things” that are so awful. It’s how you look at
them.
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EMMA: (As she puts on her coat.) Good night Dr. Phil.
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DAVE: How can you not see any humor or serendipity in this situation?
EMMA: Probably because I’ve had a rotten week. And I know I’m going
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all tired and cranky on you. Which is why—
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DAVE: Hang on. Before you take off, do me a favor and close your
eyes for a minute.
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EMMA: That’s so not going to happen.
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DAVE: Don’t worry, I’ll stand way over here by the door. I just want to
show you how simple it would be to look at this night in a completely
different way.
EMMA: Fine. Sixty seconds. But get over there by the door like you
said.
EMMA turns her chair away from DAVE, facing the audience. DAVE
waits by the door.
DAVE: Eyes closed?

EMMA: (Eyes wide open.) Yup.
DAVE: Imagine this. You’ve just broken up with a miserable jerk who
treated you badly. You feel lousy, a bit lost. On a whim you go to a
Valentine’s party, but when you arrive you realize you’re all alone.
You start to feel really small, as if you’re literally the only person in
town who doesn’t have a date on Valentine’s Day. And you begin to
wonder what it is about you that drives people away. Why can’t you
find love?
DEIRDRE GIRARD 9
Several moments as EMMA, taken aback, moves from mild annoyance

to reflection.
EMMA: I… what’s your name?

DAVE: Dave.
EMMA: Well Dave, you’re pretty much on target. No need to use my
imagination.
DAVE: Don’t worry though, because what happens next is pretty
magical. In walks one man. Who isn’t me. He’s so drop dead
handsome he makes your heart go pitter pat. Maybe he’s all dark
and sultry, with puppy dog eyes that speak of deep pain and a poetic
heart. He’s tall, with super impressive muscle tone. And the way he
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dresses…
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EMMA: Like he just walked off the cover of GQ, but with a distinctly
masculine edge…
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DAVE: That’s right. Even better, it’s pretty clear from his watch and
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impeccably cut blazer that he’s not only great looking, but
ridiculously rich.
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EMMA: That would be nice!
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DAVE: He might be a totally driven hedge-fund manager who paints

magnificent seascapes on the side, or the heir to a real-estate
fortune who has the luxury of writing poetry for literary magazines
all day…
EMMA: The kind of guy who’ll fly me to Paris for lunch, send flowers
to my work every week…
DAVE: And he’s completely self-assured.
EMMA: Of course he is!
DAVE: Your eyes meet and you know in an instant that the pretty pair
of you have been zinged by Cupid’s arrow. So when he walks in
and says “Are you my Valentine?” it’s not creepy at all. Not weird,
not pathetic. You recognize right away he’s trying to lighten the
moment, have a little fun. In fact, you begin to think this might be
the most romantic night of your life.
EMMA: Wow. He sounds perfect.
DAVE: Yeah.
DAVE looks at her a bit sadly and quietly exits; EMMA is alone though
she doesn’t realize it.
EMMA: Except… he also sounds like Lawrence, the guy I just dumped.
Did I say guy? I meant lying, cheating, mean spirited you-know-what
who made me feel stupid and insecure. And I’m never, ever, going
through that again. (Several beats.) You’re right about me, though
it’s pretty clear you already know that. I’ve gotten so sick of men
hitting on me that my guard just flies up. And I’m not always nice
about it. (Several beats.) But if the man who walked in the door
tonight had been the perfect specimen you described, would I have
handled myself differently? Probably. And hearing you tell me that…
it feels like a punch in the gut. Because I don’t know how I let
everyone else’s idea of the ideal guy start taking over my life. It’s
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like people expect me to be this cool person who settles for nothing
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less. And at some level I must need that kind of approval. (Beat.)
I’ve never… this is the first time I’ve actually said anything like this
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out loud. So the ugly truth, which I’m sure isn’t news to you, is that
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I don’t always like myself very much. (Beat.) And it’s not too hard to
guess exactly what you’re thinking right now. That I should drop the
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self-pity and do something about it. Because the very ordinary girl
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hiding inside this pretty dress must actually have a clue about what
she really wants from a man. (She closes her eyes, takes a few
deep breaths.) So here goes. Eyes really closed this time. (Beat.)
God. What do I want? Definitely someone who supports my art. I’m
a sculptor, did I tell you that? And maybe… I don’t know… maybe
someone who thinks I’m beautiful even if I’m dressed in ratty sweats
and not wearing make-up. Even if I gain fifty pounds. That would be
a good start. Someone I trust absolutely, who knows me at my best
and worst, and loves me through it all. Who doesn’t care that I
secretly like pizza and a sappy movie more than going out to some
trendy, overpriced restaurant with his snarky friends. (Beat,
laughing.) But if you tell anyone that I’ll be ruined. (Beat.) Someone
who makes me laugh, who calls me on my shit, who makes me feel
so comfortable opening up that I think we could talk to each other
all night and it still wouldn’t be enough time… (Beat.) Maybe even
someone with a very cute dimple. (Beat.) You know?
She opens her eyes and looks around.

DEIRDRE GIRARD 11
EMMA: (Continued.) Dave? (Standing, searching.) Dave!?
When EMMA realizes DAVE is gone, she is completely defeated,

fighting back tears. But after a few moments, she seems to find her
resolve and firmly wipes her tears.
EMMA: (Continued.) Don’t you dare start feeling sorry for yourself
again!
She takes a deep breath, thinks for a moment, reaches for her phone.
EMMA: (Continued. As she enters info into her phone.) Tiki Villa…
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two words? (Beat.) You’re an idiot Emma, there’s not really a place
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called… (Beat.) Oh my God… it does exist!
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Delighted, she grabs her coat.
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EMMA: (Continued.) You’re going to need an extra straw boys!

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Lights down.
END OF PLAY
THE KIDS FROM THE LAKE

By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: It took a lot for Ashley to come back to the lake, but as much as
she wants to run away, one thing is keeping her there.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 female, 1 male)
ASHLEY (f) .................................... late 20’s-mid 30’s. A bit reserved and

slow to open up. (44 lines)
SAM (m) ......................................... approximately the same age as Ashley.
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(46 lines)
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CASTING NOTE: All cast members can be any race/ethnicity and any and
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all genders. Feel free to change names/pronouns accordingly.

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SETTING: Outside by a “lake.”
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TIME: The present.
♦ ♦ ♦
AT START: ASHLEY and SAM are facing the audience throwing
frozen peas into the “lake” (the audience).
ASHLEY: I guess the pantry must be bare…

SAM: No way, I still love to cook.
ASHLEY: Then why are we throwing frozen peas to the ducks instead
of bread?
SAM: Oh come on, you remember!
ASHLEY: I’m drawing a blank here…
SAM: Bread swells the duck’s bellies! Never bread.
ASHLEY: You would know that.
SAM: I’m not the little nerd you dated all those years ago for your
information. I’ve matured into like this really cool guy.
ASHLEY: Uh huh…
DEIRDRE GIRARD 13
SAM: You can’t possibly have failed to notice that.

ASHLEY: I noticed the huge pile of puzzles on your porch.
SAM: Puzzles are sort of cool.
ASHLEY: And then there’s the horseshoes and corn hole and—
SAM: Oh come on! You LOVE horseshoes, you beat us all. Please tell
me you still play because I can so whip your butt now.
ASHLEY: I wouldn’t even remember how.
SAM: Oh man, this growing up stuff really messed with you. I’m not
even going to ask about Monopoly.
ASHLEY: (Laughing.) How is the rest of the gang doing? Are any of
them still around in the summers?
SAM: You know how it is here, no one ever gives up their lake
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cottages. Will is married with two kids and—
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ASHLEY: No way! Not little Willie! I can’t even find someone who’s
worth a second date.
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SAM: Yup, he’s here with the kids every July. Tommy’s still in the army
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but he comes up whenever he can, and Joanie made it big with

some high tech company and bought out her parent’s place.
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ASHLEY: She was always the smart one.
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SAM: She’ll be up for the season anytime now. If you could stay a few
more days maybe you could—
ASHLEY: I can’t.
A few moments of silence while they continue to feed the ducks.
SAM: We all missed you when you moved. I guess we thought, you
know…
ASHLEY: Yeah. Things were crazy. I thought we’d keep in touch too.
SAM: Sure. (Beat.) Do you miss any of it?
ASHLEY: Some things for sure… that’s why I… you know, I was just
sort of in the area and I thought it would be quiet this early in the
season and I could kind of sneak up here…
SAM: You’re lucky you even caught me, I’m just opening up the
place… oh, you mean you didn’t actually want to bump into anyone?
ASHLEY: It’s just—
SAM: I get it, it was a long time ago, none of us probably have anything
in common anymore. (Beat.) Your dad was the only one who still
came around every now and then after your family sold up. I don’t
know if he told you, but he always made a point to come by here to
see me, say hello, and ask if you and I were still in contact…
(ASHLEY gasps.) Oh God, Ash, I’m sorry. I heard he died a few
months ago, I shouldn’t have…
ASHLEY: It’s okay.
SAM: Is that why…
ASHLEY: I finally came back to the lake? I guess.
SAM: (A little disappointed.) Oh. Yeah. That makes sense. You
probably have lots of happy memories of him here. He always loved
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fishing for sure and taking us tubing. Man, he drove that boat like a
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maniac, we’d just go flying off that tube! He scared the crap out of
us, but I’m sure he thought—
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ASHLEY: It’s getting dark, I should probably—
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SAM: Don’t go! I mean, not yet. Maybe a glass of wine and we can
catch the sunset? You must remember the sunsets.
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ASHLEY: They were gorgeous…
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SAM: Still are.

ASHLEY: The mountains in the background, and all us kids hanging
out on the dock just waiting and waiting for that big orange ball to
drop and officially end our day… I almost did forget…
SAM: That’s one thing that never changes. I’ll go grab a bottle of wine
while you decide if you can spare a few minutes for nature’s greatest
show.
SAM exits. ASHLEY looks out over the lake in sorrow, lost in thought.
SAM returns with wine and two glasses, puts them down on a nearby
outdoor table between a pair of chairs, and approaches ASHLEY from
behind, unnoticed by ASHLEY. He suddenly slaps ASHLEY firmly on
her back. ASHLEY screams way out of proportion to the force of the
slap and backs away from SAM in fear.
ASHLEY: What the hell!!!

SAM: (Confused.) I was expecting maybe a thank you…
ASHLEY: (Furious.) For hitting me!?
SAM: For…? Are you completely serious? I slapped your back!
DEIRDRE GIRARD 15
ASHLEY: Just get away from me!

SAM: Black flies Ashley! Did you forget the black flies too? Their bite
hurts like a mother and leaves you swollen and sore for days! I was
just swatting him away! I was just… I’m so sorry… I had no idea I
hit you that hard… please Ash, I didn’t mean…
ASHLEY shakes her head “no” and starts to walk off.
SAM: (Continued.) Ash! I would never!
ASHLEY hesitates but doesn’t turn back.
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SAM: (Continued.) I… if you feel comfortable, I would like you to come
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back and talk to me. Maybe things have changed for you, but I’m
still the same Sam who adored you. I cry at stupid shows and rescue
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animals and take care of my grandparents, and I would never….
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Never Ash.
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ASHLEY slowly turns back and tentatively approaches.
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SAM: (Continued.) You okay?

ASHLEY: (Nodding “yes”.) It’s just…. Sorry. (Beat.) Um… it’s hard for
me to talk about it...
SAM: Then you don’t need to.
A few moments of silence.
ASHLEY: After my parents’ divorce, you know we had to sell

everything and move away kind of suddenly…
SAM: Right… no goodbyes…
ASHLEY: Because my mom and I couldn’t come back here. Not ever.
SAM: I don’t…
ASHLEY: We were afraid dad might find us.
SAM: What? (Beat; then realizing what she is saying.) Jesus.
ASHLEY: He had a temper… he beat us pretty badly. I know it can’t
have been every day, but it felt like that.
SAM: I didn’t… we didn’t know, none of us. I swear.
ASHLEY: Of course not.
SAM: He was strict but he always seemed so… (Beat.) The bruises…
you were always covered… and I never even…
ASHLEY: I told you I was a total klutz and fell down a lot. It’s not on
you.
SAM: But if I’d asked more questions—
ASHLEY: It wouldn’t have mattered. My mom and I were too ashamed
to tell anyone. Isn’t that stupid? But we were. We didn’t want anyone
to know we weren’t a normal family. And when we finally got away
from him, he went crazy, we had to change our last name and stay
away from anywhere he might find us.
SAM: I’m so, so sorry.
ASHLEY: I’m sorry for overreacting. Being here, it just brought all that
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awful stuff flooding to the surface. But you are nothing, nothing like
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that man.
SAM: So your dad dying made you feel like it was safe to come back?
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ASHLEY: I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to see the lake again. Happy
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and sad memories, you know? But it’s such a magical place, we
had so much fun, I could almost pretend that nothing else mattered
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when I was here. It’s like us kids, we were our own little family. And
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that kept me going…
ASHLEY is overwhelmed by emotion. SAM starts to reach out, but then

draws back to give her space and a few moments.
SAM: Maybe you shouldn’t have come…

ASHLEY: Maybe not. But he took my happy memories for so long,
and I just want them back.
SAM: I think I can help with that.
ASHLEY: Yeah?
SAM: Yeah. Because I remember absolutely everything.
Several moments of silence as they look directly and intensely at each

other. Finally, ASHLEY speaks to break the tension.
ASHLEY: Like what?

SAM: Making shaggy dogs…
ASHLEY: Shaggy dogs?
DEIRDRE GIRARD 17
SAM: You’re killing me here. Toasted marshmallows dipped in a can

of Hershey’s I stole from my mom’s baking drawer, and then—
ASHLEY: Dipped in coconut! I remember!
SAM: Yours were always perfect, very lightly brown on every side—
ASHLEY: And yours were always burned!
SAM: On purpose. I’m a foodie after all.
ASHLEY: Of course.
SAM: Let’s sit together and wait for the sun to go down, have that
glass of wine, and I’ll bore you with excruciatingly detailed
memories of board game marathons, diving contests, make out
sessions behind the boathouse, Tommy breaking his toe…
ASHLEY: Two toes! (Beat.) Yeah. I have time.
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They sit, SAM pours wine.
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SAM: A toast? r
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ASHLEY: Of course.
SAM: To the kids from the lake and our pure, simple joy at being
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together for the summer.
Pe
They toast.
ASHLEY: To seeing you again.
They toast.
SAM: To finding out you’re still single.
They toast. ASHLEY raises her glass to toast again, then looks at SAM
for several moments before she speaks.
ASHLEY: To finding out if anything from that first love could have
survived real life.
They toast. Lights down,
END OF PLAY
YOU’RE HOME NOW

By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: Gloria isn’t exactly sure where she is, or who she is with, but
she suspects she wants to stay.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 female, 1 male)
GLORIA (f) .................................... 80’s, infirm of body and mind but with
her humor intact. (57 lines)
MATT (m) ...................................... 30’s, sweet, shy, nurturing, very clean
rm fo l and tidy. (51 lines)

rfo ot sa
SETTING: Matt’s apartment outside Boston.
ce
TIME: The present.
r
pe N ru
♦ ♦ ♦
an
Pe
AT START: We see the living room of a very small but tidy apartment
and hear the sound of a door opening and laughter. MATT and
GLORIA enter; GLORIA is a bit frail, holding on to MATT’S elbow.
GLORIA: …and your grandfather was always a gentleman too. I think

that’s why I married him. Well, more than that, of course, it was more
than that. But he always got out of the car, went right around to open
my side, just like you. I think you inherited that from him. Good
manners and a kind heart.
MATT: I sure hope so.
MATT helps her sit down comfortably on the couch. She looks around
with interest.
GLORIA: Where are we, Tommy?

MATT: I’m Matt, Nana.
GLORIA: Of course you are. But where are we?
MATT: You’re home now.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 19
GLORIA: Oh. It seems… small.

MATT: I know it’s not much…
GLORIA: It’s fine honey, it just doesn’t feel like the way I remember
home, that’s all.
MATT: At least it’s easy to clean, and we can walk everywhere—down
to the grocery, catch the bus, even a couple of good restaurants.
There’s a little Italian place I thought we could try, they have that
Osso Buco you’re always talking about.
GLORIA: Oh I haven’t had Osso Buco in ages! And I still remember
how to cook it! Would you like me to teach you?
MATT: Sure! That would be really fun.
GLORIA: Now let me think. We’ll need lemons, garlic and something
rm fo l
else, something else for the gremolata. That’s what goes on top.
rfo ot sa
Oh, what is it? Something else…
MATT: Olive oil?
ce
GLORIA: No something green…
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MATT: Basil?
GLORIA: Parsley! That’s it. And anchovies. Do you have those?
an
MATT: I’ll buy them. We’ll make a list.
Pe
GLORIA: I like that you don’t get angry with me.

MATT: Why would anyone get angry with you?
GLORIA: When I can’t find a word… sometimes the people are very,
very rude. I can find it, you know, I just need time. And that’s what
you give me. Time to get this old brain in gear. Oh Tommy, I think
I’m going to be so much happier with you than at that other place.
MATT: I think so too… I hope I did the right thing.
GLORIA: Taking me home? Of course you did!
MATT: I just got so upset when I saw all those bedsores on your
elbows last week. Maybe I overreacted…
GLORIA: Overreacted? (Showing her elbows to MATT who winces.)
They hurt like hell!
MATT: Don’t worry, we’ll take care of that. I already looked it up online.
And there’s a good clinic right down the street. I just need to be sure
you definitely want to live here. I’ll have to work, but I can check in
at lunchtime every day.
GLORIA: You’re not thinking of sending me back are you?
MATT: No… unless you think this is a bad idea.
GLORIA: Are you kidding me? I never got a wink of sleep with those
matchy-matchy motel pictures over the bed. Baby blue plastic
frames. Horrible! Who wants to die in a tacky place that smells like
urine?
MATT: If you’re absolutely sure…
GLORIA: And there’s that awful milkman who always bothers me.
MATT: Milkman?
GLORIA: Yes, yes. The one in the white coat. He thinks he can come
into my room and touch me whenever he wants.
MATT: Does he check your heartbeat with a stethoscope and things
like that?
GLORIA: That’s just the beginning! But I told him I’m married. And he
rm fo l
certainly doesn’t have Anthony’s manners anyway. Never listens,
rfo ot sa
always in a rush.
MATT: I think maybe he’s a doctor.
ce
GLORIA: Of course he is. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay to touch me
r
pe N ru
with cold hands and be all snippy snappy.

MATT: I thought you said milkman.
an
GLORIA: Milkman? Why on earth would I let a milkman touch me?
Pe
MATT: Of course you wouldn’t. How about you rest for a little bit and
I’ll make tea?
GLORIA: Real tea? That would be lovely. Don’t even get me started
on the so-called tea they make at that place!
MATT: (As he puts a blanket and extra pillows on the couch.) Make
yourself all comfy cozy and I’ll be right back.
GLORIA begins to hum to herself. She starts to take off her shoes.
GLORIA: (To herself, imitating an angry, scolding voice.) No, no!

Shoes stay on until bedtime! SHOES STAY ON GLORIA! WE’VE
TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES!
GLORIA quickly puts her shoes back on. She lies down on the couch
for just a moment when she hears the whistle of the kettle. She jumps
up in fear.
GLORIA: FIRE! FIRE!

DEIRDRE GIRARD 21
MATT comes running out.
GLORIA: (Continued.) FIRE!

MATT: No, no Gloria. It was just the kettle.
GLORIA: Are you sure?
MATT: Yes.
GLORIA: Oh. (Beat; looking around.) But I don’t understand where we
are.
MATT: You’re home now.
GLORIA: You said that. But something doesn’t feel right…
MATT: Why don’t you take a nap? You’re always better after you rest.
rm fo l
GLORIA lies down on the couch and closes her eyes. MATT’S phone
rfo ot sa
rings.
ce
MATT: (Continued.) Hello? …No, I hadn’t heard… I really haven’t
r
pe N ru
been in much since I took my grandmother home, other than to pick

up a few of her things… (As he talks MATT gently covers GLORIA
an
with a blanket.) Well, to tell you the truth, I think my grandmother
Pe
was her only friend. She didn’t seem to have any family around
here—at least my grandmother said she never had visitors. Maybe
she’s just out for a walk? … Okay, will do.
GLORIA: Who was that?
MATT: (Worried.) The nursing home you were at. One of the patients
is missing.
GLORIA: So what? Those old poops wander off all the time.
MATT: But that shouldn’t happen, they should keep a closer eye.
GLORIA: Someone even got hit by a car last week.
MATT: Last year. That’s why I finally took my nana out of that place.
GLORIA: Your nana? (Beat.) Amelia?
MATT: Yes.
GLORIA: She was my roommate wasn’t she?
MATT: Yes.
GLORIA: I remember. And she died?
MATT: A few weeks ago.
GLORIA: I’m so sorry honey. But I’m glad she was living here with you
when she died, not in that awful place.
MATT: Me too.
GLORIA: I’m still very angry with you, by the way.

MATT: Why?
GLORIA: You stopped visiting after you took Amelia home!
MATT: I did come, just not as often…
GLORIA: Well, at least you came today and snuck me out. Oh, they’ll
be running all over looking for me! What fun!
MATT: Listen Gloria. Are you okay with me calling you Nana?
GLORIA: I don’t care what you call me as long as you don’t call me
late for supper!
MATT: It’s just… I’m not sure it’s technically legal for you to live with
me—I’m going to have to check that out. But if people think you’re
my grandmother for now it will be a lot easier…
rm fo l
GLORIA: Like a game?
rfo ot sa
MATT: Yes.
GLORIA: Okay. (Beat.) But I’m not actually your grandmother am I?
ce
MATT: Not really.r
pe N ru
GLORIA: I didn’t think so. You’re… not Tommy… I know you’re not
Tommy.
an
MATT: Matt. Try to get used to calling me that. Maybe think of a
Pe
doormat when you look at me, because I’m kind of neat and tidy.
GLORIA: Door-Matt! I like that! If you were a doormat you’d be one of
those big colorful ones that says Welcome! Not those hard brown
bristly ones, I hate those, they absolutely don’t make me feel
welcome at all.
MATT: I might still have to remind you sometimes, but that’s okay.
GLORIA: You won’t get mad?
MATT: Never.
GLORIA: (Teasing.) Could I have my tea now Doormat?
MATT: You bet.
GLORIA: And I’m feeling a little hungry too. They take away our
breakfast trays so early at the home…
MATT: How about poached chicken? We’ll add a sprinkle of fresh
herbs, maybe a bit of lemon zest…
GLORIA: Fresh herbs? Oh goodness, it’s been so long… but don’t go
to so much trouble just for me.
MATT: No trouble at all! I love having company for lunch. I miss that
more than anything since Nana passed. Just give me a few minutes.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 23
MATT excitedly leaves the room. GLORIA suddenly sits bolt upright.
GLORIA: (To herself.) Oh Good Lord, I believe I’ve been kidnapped!

By that nice boy. Of all things!
GLORIA, in an exaggerated imitation of a master spy, peeks around

the corner to make sure MATT is busy, then tiptoes back to the coffee
table and picks up MATT’S cell phone.
GLORIA: (Continued. Whispering in phone.) I need to report a

kidnapping! (Looking at phone in confusion.) Hello?... Hello? (To
herself.) Oh drat, something’s wrong here… what is it?
rm fo l
…something… what on earth is it? Dialing! That’s right! You have
rfo ot sa
to dial 411!
ce
GLORIA begins to dial.
r
pe N ru
MATT: (Offstage. Calling from kitchen.) Do you want cookies? I bought

an
those Milanos you like.
Pe
GLORIA: Like? (Hanging up the phone.) I LOVE Milanos!

MATT: And I thought we could play some Canasta if you’re up for it.
GLORIA: Canasta! That’s my favorite! (To herself as she picks up the
phone again.) 911! That’s it!
MATT enters with a tea tray complete with china service and a small
vase with a single flower. GLORIA quickly hangs up before MATT
notices.
GLORIA: Oooooh… is that Earl Grey I smell!?

MATT: Of course. Nana’s favorite was Chamomile, but I stocked up
on Earl Grey when I knew you were coming.
GLORIA: I’m kind of your nana too aren’t I Matt?
MATT: It’s felt that way to me these last few years when I visited…
GLORIA: Me too.
MATT: That’s why I couldn’t just leave you there. Now give me a few
more minutes on the food and we’ll figure out how to handle things
with the nursing home while we’re eating.
MATT exits to the unseen kitchen. GLORIA again jumps up, peers
around the corner to make sure he’s busy, then tiptoes back with
exaggerated motions to the cell phone. She’s having the time of her
life. She picks up the phone.
GLORIA: (To herself.) Well, this is turning out to be a very good day.
I remembered 911 and everything!
She poises her finger to dial, then looks at her beautiful tea tray and
hesitates.
GLORIA: (Continued.) Then again… maybe that’s one more thing I
rm fo l
haven’t got right at all…
rfo ot sa
MATT: (Poking his head out of the unseen kitchen.) I’m probably
cooking way more than you can eat, but it’s a special day isn’t it?
ce
After all, you’re home now.
r
pe N ru
GLORIA: Am I?
an
MATT returns to the kitchen. GLORIA looks contentedly around the
Pe
room and pours herself a cup of tea.
GLORIA: (Continued. To herself.) Yes Doormat, I believe I am.
She smiles, hangs up the phone, and decisively moves it away. Lights
down.
END OF PLAY
DEIRDRE GIRARD 25
IN THE BUFF
By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: Claire takes a job cleaning a local mansion in hopes of

unlocking a mystery about her mother who once worked there, and the father
she lost in Afghanistan. With the help of the owner’s son Andy, she learns
more about her parents—and herself—than she expected.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 female, 1 male)
CLAIRE (f) ..................................... 19, a college sophomore. Attractive and a
rm fo l woman of deep convictions. (56 lines)

rfo ot sa
ANDY (m) ...................................... 21, a college senior. Charming, fun-
loving. (57 lines)
ce
r
pe N ru
SETTING: Inside a large home. There are a few pieces of furniture, one large
enough for an adult to hide behind (or a screen, theater wings can be used).
an
TIME: The present.
Pe
NOTE: / (backslash) indicates the next line should be said in overlap fashion.
// (double backslash) indicates the overlap is over and the remaining part of
that line should be said when the previous character is finished speaking.
♦ ♦ ♦
AT START: CLAIRE is behind a tall piece of furniture (or offstage in
the wings.). We can only see her naked arm dusting, we cannot see
her. ANDY enters unnoticed by CLAIRE, takes off his coat and sits
down, checking his phone. CLAIRE starts dry mopping from behind the
furniture; all we see is the mop poking out. ANDY notices, does a
double take, and tentatively goes to look behind the furniture. He backs
up in surprise.
ANDY: What the…
CLAIRE shrieks.
ANDY: (Continued.) Who are you!?

CLAIRE: (Sticking her head out from behind the furniture.) Get out!
Get out now or I’ll call the police!
ANDY: Hang on…
CLAIRE: Out!
ANDY: This is my house!
CLAIRE: That’s beside the point!
ANDY: Uhm… actually… it’s not …
CLAIRE: If you don’t leave I’m coming out there… with my mop!
ANDY: Is that meant to be a threat? Because I don’t generally run from
beautiful naked women. And while we’re on that topic, why are you
naked?
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
CLAIRE: Just get me my dress! On the chair!
ce
ANDY finds a simple pull-on dress and hands it to CLAIRE without
r
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looking.
an
ANDY: Are you like a homeless person?
Pe
CLAIRE emerges, dressed.
CLAIRE: I’m the new housecleaner.

ANDY: Is that code for something else?
CLAIRE: Like what? (No response from ANDY, then annoyed when
she catches the implication.) I just forgot you were coming home for
college break! I assume you’re Andy.
ANDY: Yes…
CLAIRE: (Extending her hand.) Claire. Your parents hired me to clean.
And let’s get one thing straight. I was not naked, I had things on.
ANDY: Underwear things.
CLAIRE: As I said, not naked. And you weren’t supposed to be home
until tomorrow.
ANDY: Should I like go in another room or wear a blindfold while you
work?
CLAIRE: Don’t think you can make me feel all awkward and
uncomfortable. Just because you live in this mansion doesn’t mean
you get to—
DEIRDRE GIRARD 27
ANDY: Excuse me! Just a second here!

CLAIRE: You don’t get to interrupt me either!
ANDY: You have absolutely no right to be feisty!
CLAIRE: Feisty? Is that what you call an assertive woman?
ANDY: It sounded nicer than insane!
CLAIRE: I guess I’m not surprised by your attitude… let’s face it,
anyone who would live in this kind of a house…
ANDY: What?
CLAIRE: No offense.
ANDY: So I’m automatically a jerk because my parents inherited a big
house?
CLAIRE: When there are people starving in the world?
rm fo l
ANDY: Well, I guess you must know everything about me. See you
rfo ot sa
later, Claire.
ce
ANDY moves to the door and exits.
r
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CLAIRE: (Calling to him.) Hey!

an
ANDY: (Returning.) What?
Pe
CLAIRE: It’s not you. It’s your house.

ANDY: Does it offend your egalitarian principles?
CLAIRE: Actually, it does. Mostly because my mother was obsessed
with this place. She met my dad at a party here when they were
teenagers. I guess our fathers were friends.
ANDY: So?
CLAIRE: So after my dad died in Afghanistan—
ANDY: Hey. I’m sorry.
CLAIRE: Yeah. Thanks. (Moving back to where she left the mop.)
What am I thinking? I’ve got to get this place cleaned before your
parents get home.
CLAIRE continues to clean while they talk.
CLAIRE: (Continued.) Anyway, after that, we had a lot of trouble with

money—something you obviously can’t relate to—so my mom took
a job cleaning your house.
ANDY: Did she feel awkward or something because she was friends
with my dad?
CLAIRE: I don’t know. Maybe. But it was weird. She would get dressed
up to come over here and clean—I think she looked forward to it. I
mean, who actually wants to clean someone else’s house?
ANDY: Well, I clean restaurants near campus with a few of my friends
and—
CLAIRE: (Surprised.) You work?
ANDY: Shocking, isn’t it? (No response except CLAIRE’S exasperated
sigh.) So even though the job’s totally disgusting, it’s kind of fun
too—we have to keep each other laughing to get through the night.
CLAIRE: Do you ever have to clean those huge gunky drains in the
kitchen floor?
ANDY: They’re the worst!
rm fo l
CLAIRE: I know, right? I do them in my college cafeteria. That slimy
rfo ot sa
stuff down there… ugh…
ANDY: How does it even get that thick and grey? The lumps and the
ce
hair… r
pe N ru
CLAIRE: (Disgusted.) Don’t even!

ANDY: Yeah. So do you go to school around here?
an
CLAIRE: Salem State. Art major. You?
Pe
ANDY: Sociology at BU.

CLAIRE: I figured you for Harvard. / You know, studying to be a hedge
fund manager so you can dominate the working class.
ANDY: Ha! // Totally not into domination.
CLAIRE: Good to know.
ANDY: But I still don’t get why you hate my house so much.
CLAIRE: Because my mother had this fixation with rich people and
their houses—like what we had wasn’t good enough. I mean, she
could hardly talk about Dad dying, even to me. But she said that
when she was lonely she could sense his presence here. Why
here? I was just a kid then and it made me feel kind of left out, you
know?
CLAIRE begins to over aggressively mop the floor.
CLAIRE: (Continued.) Anyway, I shouldn’t be talking, I still have tons

to do. This is how the working class pays for college.
ANDY: Let me help.
CLAIRE: Seriously?
DEIRDRE GIRARD 29
ANDY: Have you dusted in here yet?

CLAIRE: No.
ANDY picks up the duster and they both work as they continue the
conversation.
ANDY: Does all this have anything to do with why you were naked?
CLAIRE: I was not—
ANDY: Right. Underwear. And that pretty camisole thing. I stand
corrected.
CLAIRE: Well, first of all, I thought I was alone, so that’s on you. And
when I took this job, I was damned if I was going to dress up. But
rm fo l
then, I don’t know, today I was thinking about my mom and how
rfo ot sa
important this house was to her and I found myself putting on a
dress. A dress to clean your house! How dumb is that? And then
ce
when I got here I thought, hey, I’m not like my mom. I’m not going
r
pe N ru
to dress up for rich people just to clean their big ass house. I’ll clean
in my frick’in underwear if I feel like it.
an
ANDY: (Laughing.) That’s hysterical.
Pe
CLAIRE: (Laughing with him.) Stop being so nice! You’re taking the
edge off my one-woman stand against the establishment!
ANDY: So your mom must have been the Annie who worked here
when I was in middle school? Annie with the red hair?
CLAIRE: Yeah. And you really are nice. Her hair was mostly grey,
even then.
ANDY: She was… not like you.
CLAIRE: Not at all.
ANDY: Quiet… but always really sweet to me.
CLAIRE: Probably the way she thought a servant should be. Quiet.
Sweet.
ANDY: She was just a nice lady who worked hard. Get over yourself.
CLAIRE: (Annoyed.) Yes sir, will do. (Taking the duster out of his
hand.) Thank for helping but I think I’m good now.
CLAIRE moves to a further part of the room, turning her back to him.
ANDY: I didn’t mean “quiet” like subservient. More like sad.

CLAIRE: (Relenting and turning to him.) Yeah. She never stopped

missing daddy. Even before she died last summer, it was like she
wasn’t always there. I thought maybe being here would help me
understand her a little better, that’s why I took the job, but…
whatever.
ANDY: (Moving back into the room.) I heard she died. You must really
miss her.
CLAIRE: (Sadly.) I do.
ANDY: Now I’m seeing a little bit of your mom in you…
CLAIRE: Thanks I guess.
ANDY: It kind of reminds me of something about her… have you ever
been out on our front porch?
rm fo l
CLAIRE: No… I—(Beat.) No. (Laughing.) Do you know what’s funny?
rfo ot sa
I almost said “No, I came in around back, at the servant’s entrance.”
But I stopped myself…
ce
ANDY: Wow, you can do that?
r
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CLAIRE: (Laughing.) It’s just a plain old backdoor, isn’t it?

ANDY: That’s all it is. (Taking her hand and moving toward the front
an
of the stage.) Come on, I want to show you the porch… I’m pretty
Pe
sure it wasn’t the house your mom loved so much…

CLAIRE: (Quickly removing her hand, a bit uncomfortable.) I really
need to keep working…
ANDY: Just a second. Trust me.
CLAIRE walks uncertainly with ANDY to the front of the stage and they
look out over the audience into “the fields.”
ANDY: (Continued.) She loved to come on this porch when she was
done cleaning and look out over the fields.
CLAIRE: (As she stares out.) What’s in that little brick building?
ANDY: An old, kind of broken down family chapel.
CLAIRE: Oh my God…
ANDY: What?
CLAIRE: My mom told me once I was conceived in a church… I
thought… you know… it was a joke…
ANDY: I guess your parents snuck away from a few of my dad’s
parties…
DEIRDRE GIRARD 31
CLAIRE: (Excited as she sees movement in the distance.) Hey! Do

you see that? (Pointing.) Over there?
ANDY: Don’t move, stay quiet…
CLAIRE: (Whispering.) Wow…
ANDY: That buck’s been hanging around the chapel for years.
CLAIRE: (Mesmerized; can’t take her eyes away.) He’s looking at
us… I mean he’s like staring right at us…
ANDY: Shhhhh… (After several beats as he watches with her.) Look
a little to his left…
CLAIRE catches her breath.
rm fo l
ANDY: (Continued.) I’ve never seen him with a doe before.
rfo ot sa
CLAIRE: They’re beautiful together…
ANDY: Yeah.
ce
CLAIRE: And so… I don’t know… kind of peaceful…
r
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ANDY: (Turning.) I’ll grab a pair of binoculars for you.

CLAIRE: Don’t leave. (Beat.) I mean, you said not to move. You might
an
scare them away.
Pe
ANDY: Not if I’m quiet.

CLAIRE: But they could be gone any second… you could come back
and… they could um… I don’t know… just be gone. (Beat.) Can’t
you stay with me? (Extending her hand.) Please?
He takes her hand and they watch the buck and doe in the fields for
several moments. She is content, at peace. Lights down.
END OF PLAY
A HEDGE AGAINST LONELINESS

By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: Elizabeth knows exactly what Brady is up to and that she should
walk away with her dignity intact, but loneliness has left a gaping hole in her
life.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 female, 1 male, 1 either)
ELIZABETH (f).............................. 60’s-70’s. Smart, focused, no nonsense.

Dressed casually, but expensively.
rm fo l (51 lines)
rfo ot sa
BRADY (m) .................................... 40’s-50’s. Attractive, well built,
charming. Should clearly appear to be
ce
r 15-20 years younger than Elizabeth.
pe N ru
(51 lines)
OFF-STAGE VOICE (m/f) ............. Can be male or female; feel free to change
an the name accordingly. (1 line)
Pe
SETTING: The storage room of a food pantry. This can be constructed very
simply with a few cardboard boxes and bags of fruit/vegetables.
TIME: The present.
NOTE ON DIALOGUE: An ellipse (…) during a phone conversation

indicates the speaker is listening to the caller. An ellipse in place of dialogue
indicates a non-verbal response.
♦ ♦ ♦
AT START: ELIZABETH is busy emptying boxes/cleaning etc. in the
back room of the Food Pantry. Her phone rings and she immediately
brightens and answers the call.
ELIZABETH: Hi honey, it’s my volunteer day at the food pantry but I

can talk for a minute… I can’t wait to see you for Easter, ten more
days!… Oh… no, no, I understand. Don’t worry about me, I have
DEIRDRE GIRARD 33
plenty of options… I’m fine, promise. Not another word about it. And
we’ll get together as soon as your work slows down…. You bet. Bye
bye, sweetie.
ELIZABETH is clearly upset, takes a few deep breaths, then pulls

herself together and begins stacking boxes. She struggles a bit and the
boxes slip. BRADY rushes in to help her, gently brushing her back as
he does.
BRADY: Got you!

ELIZABETH: Thanks.
BRADY: No problem. It’s great to see you, I was hoping I’d run into
rm fo l
you again.
rfo ot sa
ELIZABETH: Can I help you with something?
BRADY: What? Oh, no, I just meant that I enjoyed our last
ce
conversation.
r
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ELIZABETH: (Confused.) I’m sorry …

BRADY: We met at the “Food for All” Ball?
an
ELIZABETH: Of course. We talked about travel for a bit.
Pe
BRADY: And about the company you founded, your daughter the
attorney in California, our shared interest in food insecurity…
ELIZABETH: I can go on autopilot at those big charity events when
I’m making the rounds. I hope I didn’t bore you.
BRADY: You were a breath of fresh air after all those tedious
speeches.
ELIZABETH: They did feel particularly interminable that night.
BRADY: Something about you is different though… your hair?
ELIZABETH: Perhaps.
ELIZABETH walks away and starts straightening items on shelves, etc.
BRADY: Highlights!
ELIZABETH: (Laughing.) You’re the first to notice.
BRADY: That’s a shame.
ELIZABETH: …
BRADY: I really love the way they frame your face. (Beat.) Um…
before I lose my nerve I was wondering if we could have coffee
sometime?
ELIZABETH: If you’re going to ask me for a donation to another

organization, let me be totally upfront so we don’t waste each
other’s time. All donations come through my trust for review, so you
would need to submit—
BRADY: No, no. I meant socially.
ELIZABETH: Why?
OFF-STAGE VOICE: Brady! Can we have a hand out front here?
BRADY: (Calling out.) Sure, Frank! (To ELIZABETH.) I’m just
suggesting a casual first date. You’re the most intriguing woman
I’ve met in a while and I’d like to get to know you better.
ELIZABETH snorts in derision and BRADY exits. ELIZABETH begins
rm fo l
to unpack a box of food but suddenly stops and stares off for a bit,
rfo ot sa
holding an orange as if she’s mesmerized by it, like it’s a crystal ball.
After a few moments BRADY enters from the opposite side he exited,
ce
behind ELIZABETH’S back.
r
pe N ru
ELIZABETH: (Without turning.) Brady? That’s your name isn’t it?

an
BRADY: (As he approaches.) You remembered. I’m flattered.
Pe
ELIZABETH: Don’t be.

BRADY: Ah. You don’t like the flirtatious approach. Shall we just be
direct then?
ELIZABETH: Why not? You must be at least fifteen years younger
than me, so why—
BRADY: Probably more like twenty.
ELIZABETH: Well that is direct! So why are you asking me out?
BRADY: You’re my type.
ELIZABETH: Rich, older women?
BRADY: Exactly.
ELIZABETH: I’m so much less than flattered.
ELIZABETH and BRADY continue to work in the backroom of the

pantry, cleaning, emptying boxes, etc. until the last moments of the
play.
BRADY: You don’t strike me as a woman who responds to flirtation

and flattery.
ELIZABETH: True.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 35
BRADY: So are we on for coffee?

ELIZABETH: Seriously? Do I come off as that pathetic? I managed
one of the largest and most profitable hedge funds in the country
and—
BRADY: I remember, and it’s even more impressive because you’re
the only woman to have done that. I’m drawn to smart women.
ELIZABETH: Older, smart, rich women. So why not rich women your
own age?
BRADY: I can’t make them as happy.
ELIZABETH: I assure you, no woman wants to be sought after for her
money—which is why I won’t marry again. You can never be sure.
BRADY: That’s sad.
rm fo l
ELIZABETH: Oh, and you have such a carefree, happy life as a
rfo ot sa
gigolo?
BRADY: I’m not an escort or a prostitute or whatever you’re implying.
ce
ELIZABETH: How is that different from wanting to date someone for
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their money?
BRADY: I like the lifestyle money buys. A lot. I want to see every
an
corner of the world and not spend my entire life stuck in a cubicle at
Pe
the mercy of some control freak doing absolutely meaningless work

until the clock strikes five. I want beauty, and creativity and joy—
freedom from the mundane. If I’m attracted to older, successful
women who can give me a lifestyle I don’t have the skills to create
for myself, is that so awful? Do you think of young women who date
rich older men as prostitutes?
ELIZABETH: Yes.
BRADY: Oh.
ELIZABETH: Those ridiculous old men, showing off young girls who
would have absolutely no interest in them if they didn’t have money!
They’re buying sex. It’s pathetic. Undignified.
BRADY: And you would never be undignified.
ELIZABETH: Certainly not.
BRADY: Have you tried online dating since your husband passed
away?
ELIZABETH: God no! Swiping on a human being? Passing judgment
with your fingertip? Never.
BRADY: So here’s the thing. I have no interest in marriage or children.

I’ve never been a great student, never finished college. Not too
many women my age are going to be interested for long in a man
who doesn’t want a family and can’t provide for them—a man who’s
always dreaming about a more exciting world out there.
ELIZABETH: Well. You certainly make yourself sound less than
appealing. What on earth would give you the idea I’d ever be
interested in you?
BRADY: You’re retired, probably having trouble adjusting to the fact
that no one needs you day and night anymore. And I can’t imagine
you had time to make many friends with the kind of high stakes,
high stress job you devoted your life to.
rm fo l
ELIZABETH: But you can imagine that I have very low standards?
rfo ot sa
BRADY: Limited options. Men your age are looking for women at least
fifteen years younger, and the men fifteen years older than you are
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two steps away from memory care or a walker. (Off ELIZABETH’S
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glare.) It’s just a reality you have to factor in.

ELIZABETH: As it happens, I like having my time to myself. And my
daughter—
an
Pe
BRADY: Lives across the country. And is very busy.

ELIZABETH: She’d be mortified if I dated someone like you.
BRADY: That could be fun…
ELIZABETH: (Amused at the thought.) No less than she deserves
right now, but still…
BRADY: When’s the last time you traveled just for pleasure Elizabeth?
ELIZABETH: Longer than I’d like I suppose.
BRADY: That’s the only thing I’m really passionate about, planning
unique trips that really immerse me into the local culture.
ELIZABETH: With other people’s money I gather?
BRADY: Whenever possible. But I’m good at it, I carry the bags,
handle all the details, find those one of a kind places. Or you could
go on one of those cruises with all the old folks, sit at the singles
table every night with a dozen other women competing for the lone
widower at the table, then get in line the next morning to board one
of a dozen identical tour busses.
ELIZABETH: God forbid.
BRADY: With me you’d get my undivided attention, massages, hand
holding… and whatever else we decide.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 37
ELIZABETH: Ah. We’re back to the prostitution bit.

BRADY: Are you past thinking of yourself as a sexual being?
ELIZABETH: None of your business!
BRADY: I hope not.
ELIZABETH: Why am I even bothering to talk to you?
BRADY: I’m guessing you want something more than gardening,
volunteering at the food pantry and shopping. And you’re probably
sick of going to gala after gala where obsequious nonprofit
executives hound you for donations. People who wouldn’t give you
the time of day if they didn’t want something from you.
ELIZABETH: I know that!
BRADY: I’m being honest, factual and to the point, just the way you
rm fo l
like.
rfo ot sa
BRADY exits from the same side he had just entered from, but he walks
ce
backwards, his movements languid, dreamlike. ELIZABETH moves
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pe N ru
back to the exact same position she was in when BRADY first exited to
help out front, and gazes into the orange for several moments as she
an
had done earlier. BRADY enters (from where he originally exited to
Pe
help FRANK) with a bag of fruit, and watches her staring off for a bit.
BRADY: Elizabeth? (No response.) Heads up!
He throws a piece of fruit playfully at her. ELIZABETH snaps out of her

daze, and catches the fruit.
ELIZABETH: (Laughing.) Are you angry with me for some reason?

BRADY: You were totally zoned out. Have you even moved since
Frank called me out front to help?
ELIZABETH: Just daydreaming I guess.
BRADY: About?
ELIZABETH: What makes someone like you tick.
BRADY: I’m not all that complicated, but I’m willing to bare my soul
over coffee. There’s a little hole-in-the-wall Brazilian place a few
blocks over that grinds their own dark nutty blend, and they make
the best little queijadinha pastries…
ELIZABETH: I know your type, so please don’t take me for a fool.
BRADY: I would never think that. It’s just a cup of coffee… a day at
the beach… a trip to Majorca. Whatever. It’s not forever. I try to be
happy every day, no more or less than that.
ELIZABETH: (After a moment.) Then how about Easter?
BRADY: Easter?
ELIZABETH: (Impatiently.) Do you have plans for Easter?
BRADY: No. I’m completely open and at your disposal.
ELIZABETH: Dinner out?
BRADY: Absolutely.
ELIZABETH: Or maybe I’ll just head to the Greek islands… (Off
BRADY’S look of surprise.) Why not? I’ve always wanted to spend
Easter on Santorini and there’s nothing keeping me here.
rm fo l
BRADY: Have you heard about a little village there called Pyrgos?
rfo ot sa
ELIZABETH: I don’t think so…
BRADY: On Good Friday evening they light up the rooftops of every
ce
building and all the pathways with thousands of candles. (Beat.)
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You could have dinner with the companion of your choice, and then
take a walk in the candlelight, explore all the nooks and crannies of
an
the village, maybe grab an after dinner glass of the local ouzo and
Pe
watch the Easter procession go by. It’s supposed to be magical.
He slowly approaches ELIZABETH and gently sweeps her hair back

from her face.
ELIZABETH: Don’t.
BRADY: Okay.
ELIZABETH: Not yet.
Lights down,
END OF PLAY
DEIRDRE GIRARD 39
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: Tony is devastated by his breakup with Jennifer, but she’s

completely confused and desperate to extricate herself from the whole crazy
ordeal…
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 female, 1 male)
JENNIFER (f) ................................. 30’s-early 40’s. Focused, decisive.

(53 lines)
rm fo l
TONY (m) ....................................... approximately the same age as Jennifer.
rfo ot sa
Dramatic and quirky. (55 lines)
ce
SETTING: A nondescript room with a small table and two chairs. A bell is
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placed on the middle of the table.

TIME: The present.
an
Pe
♦ ♦ ♦
AT START: JENNIFER and TONY sit on opposite sides of the table
with a bell placed in the center.
TONY: Are you saying you want to break up with me?

JENNIFER: What? No!
TONY: Thank God!
JENNIFER: Let me rephrase…
TONY: Here it comes…
JENNIFER: Tony, this isn’t a break up.
TONY: Right. It’s just what? A little time apart, a trial separation?
JENNIFER: It’s—
TONY: Wait. Let me help clarify the situation. Are we or are we not
ever going to see each other again?
JENNIFER: No, Tony, we are never, ever, under any possible
circumstances going to see each other again.
TONY: Well, I don’t know what you would call that other than a break
up.
JENNIFER: UGH!!!!
TONY: I’m sorry if this is inconvenient for you, I’m sorry if it annoys
you that I’m trying to get just a teensy tiny bit of closure here, but
frankly I think I deserve it.
TONY begins to weep uncontrollably.
TONY: (Continued.) Sorry, sorry. I just need a minute.

JENNIFER: (Looking around with embarrassment.) You need to stop
that right now!
rm fo l
TONY: Men have feelings too! Or doesn’t that concept fit into your
rfo ot sa
feminist worldview?
JENNIFER: This isn’t about me!
ce
TONY: Finally! Finally you’re recognizing me as someone who might
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actually count in this relationship. You are so right Jennifer, it isn’t

all about you.
an
JENNIFER: (Impatiently checking her phone for the time.) Um… I think
Pe
you should probably… you know…

TONY: What?
JENNIFER: You know what!
TONY: Are you seriously timing this breakup? Do I have like two
minutes to get over my shock, a minute and a half to cry and then
maybe another minute to wipe away the tears and get my act
together? Is that what you’re saying to me?
JENNIFER: No, not exactly, but—
TONY: Well that’s how I feel. I guess my pain doesn’t bother you at
all, doesn’t even begin to penetrate your steely exterior.
JENNIFER: Oh, it’s actually really bothering me.
TONY: You know what? Good. You’re finally feeling something.
JENNIFER: I think you should go now.
TONY: You’re kicking me out? What, are you expecting someone else
already?
JENNIFER: You know I am.
TONY: So this was all planned? You break up with me and it’s what,
like a revolving door or something? Out with the old, in with the
new?
DEIRDRE GIRARD 41
JENNIFER: I don’t know what you want me to say…

TONY: How about I’m sorry I broke your heart? I’m sorry I led you on
and then unceremoniously dumped your butt?
JENNIFER: Enough. This is getting ridiculous. Just get out of here
before I—
TONY: What?
JENNIFER: I don’t want to be rude but if you don’t go—
TONY: Now you’re threatening me?
JENNIFER: No!
TONY: (Standing.) Fine, I’m not going to beg like a puppy and
embarrass myself any further.
JENNIFER: Okay.
rm fo l
TONY: (Not moving.) I’m just going to leave now.
rfo ot sa
JENNIFER: Okay.
TONY: If that’s what you truly want.
ce
JENNIFER: I do.
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TONY: Right.
an
Several moments. TONY makes no effort to leave.
Pe
JENNIFER: Um…
TONY: What now?
JENNIFER: Aren’t you going?
TONY: You know, I’m just standing here wondering… why should I be
the one to leave?
JENNIFER: Because that’s how it works.
TONY: Because you’re a woman?
JENNIFER: I don’t know, I guess so…
TONY: Ah, I didn’t know that was in the feminist manifesto. So even if
you’re the one initiating the breakup, you get to stay. The guy just
has to walk away.
JENNIFER: This is how speed dating works Tony.
TONY: Don’t go getting all technical on me!
JENNIFER: We each get ten minutes, then the guys move onto the
next person in the next room.
TONY: But not if we don’t beak up!
JENNIFER: It’s not a break up!! We just don’t match!
TONY: Says who?
He grabs the bell on the table and begins to ring it wildly. JENNIFER
frantically grabs it out of his hands to stop the ringing.
JENNIFER: Stop! That’s the bell for matches!

TONY: Well, it’s already been rung so I guess—
JENNIFER: Just go! You had your time. Now move the hell on!
TONY: Don’t even think about coming crawling back to me.
JENNIFER: You have absolutely no worries on that front.
TONY: Because if I walk out of here, it’s over for good. Is that what
you really want?
JENNIFER: Yes! God yes!
rm fo l
TONY: What will your mother think?
rfo ot sa
JENNIFER: My mother?
TONY: Yes, your mother. What will Lorraine think when she hears you
ce
dumped a single, straight, employed man for no good reason?
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She’s already worried she’ll never have grandchildren.

JENNIFER: How do you…
an
TONY: Met her at yoga. She’s the one who told me you were speed
Pe
dating tonight. Actually, she kind of corralled me into coming here.

She was worried that if you were rejected by man after man—
again—it might be too much for you. So I did a nice old lady a favor.
JENNIFER: I’m totally cool with rejection. No worries.
TONY: Then you’re a better person than I am. It’s like I’m on this
hamster wheel and I can’t get off: online dating, speed dating, blind
dates with someone my aunt Sophie met at the podiatrist…
JENNIFER: You? I’ve done speed dating in ten different cities, and
this is my third time making the rounds in each city. And do you
know what’s the worst? I’m so utterly forgettable that even you don’t
remember that we already “broke up” two other times.
TONY: I’m not going to lie, you could do more with your hair and
makeup.
JENNIFER: I mean, you’re a complete whack job but you’ll probably
find a match before me—apparently no one wants a totally normal
but never married woman.
TONY: Face it, at your age, it’s better if you were at least divorced.
JENNIFER: I know, isn’t that nuts? Instead of thinking of me as
someone who has high standards—
DEIRDRE GIRARD 43
TONY: Guys think that if no one else wants you, something must be
wrong. It’s kind of a macho thing, guys only want what every other
guy desires. It feeds a feeble ego I guess. (Getting down on one
knee.) Jennifer?
JENNIFER: No, no, no, no…
TONY: Will you marry me?
JENNIFER: Oh come on!
TONY: Marry me. How much worse can our romantic lives get?
JENNIFER: I’ve got a cat and a theater subscription. I’m fine.
TONY: But here’s the thing. If you marry me, then you can divorce me.
JENNIFER: (Intrigued.) Huh….
TONY: Right? If we plan on a specific date for the divorce and I know
rm fo l
it’s coming, I won’t feel so rejected. AND we can both say that
rfo ot sa
someone wanted us once upon a time, but it just didn’t work out.
Presto. We both become more desirable. You can even create a
ce
mysterious married life that you can’t talk about until the right man
r
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comes along who can break down your walls. Men love to do that.
Break walls. Save damaged women.
an
JENNIFER: How do you feel about kids?
Pe
TONY: Love them!

JENNIFER: (After thinking about it a moment.) But they’d inherit your
crazy. Sorry, no go.
TONY: I could take my meds!
JENNIFER: There’s a thought.
TONY: And this is better than true love. Your soul mate is the one who
can really devastate you after you’ve given everything to them. At
some point they all lie and cheat and take you for granted or just
grow bored with you. But our divorce won’t hurt a bit.
JENNIFER: You might be on to something… kind of like that show
“Married at First Sight” except I already know you’ll turn out to be a
disappointment.
TONY: Exactly! It will be good for our blood pressure. And don’t forget
about your mom…
JENNIFER: She’d be ecstatic.
TONY: You could do worse in life than giving happiness to an old
woman in her final years.
JENNIFER: And our photographs would go right out front here on
future speed dating nights…
TONY: We’d finally make it to the “successful matches” board!

JENNIFER: Someone will look at my picture and say “I want what she
has.”
TONY: Well, maybe not the women who already met me on speed
dates—but everyone else for sure!
JENNIFER: The truth is, I don’t really like cats.
TONY: Little divas, all of them.
JENNIFER: And I lied about being cool with constant rejection, it’s
demeaning and soul crushing. Always swiping right while everyone
else swipes left.
TONY: I’m swiping right, Jen.
rm fo l
He very ceremoniously replaces the bell in the center of the table.
rfo ot sa
TONY: (Continued.) Go for it.
ce
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He begins loudly humming/singing the “Rocky” theme song for several

moments, maybe jogging or dancing around the table, pumping his
fists, etc.
an
Pe
JENNIFER: You need to stop that right now!

TONY: Got it.
He continues to hum but at a much lower volume.
JENNIFER: Like forever! I never want to hear that coming out of your
mouth again.
TONY silently mimics drawing a zipper over his lips. JENNIFER stares
at the bell and tentatively reaches for it. TONY jumps up and down in
silent but overwhelming joy. JENNIFER laughs and rings the bell.
Lights down.
END OF PLAY
DEIRDRE GIRARD 45
LITTLE BLACK MARK

By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: Kelly is determined to protect her valedictorian daughter from

the bad influences of the neighborhood. But when Mia uses her robotics skills
to pierce the bubble she’s been raised in, Kelly has to risk fully opening up her
own imperfect heart.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(3 females)
KELLY (f) ...................................... Early 40’s, working class accent. Adores
rm fo l her daughter, a bit rough around the

rfo ot sa
edges. (50 lines)
MIA (f) ............................................ 18, Kelly’s daughter, no local accent.
ce
r More buttoned up in terms of appearance,
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quieter and more articulate than her mom.

(29 lines)
an
STACY (f) ...................................... Kelly’s best friend, early 40’s, working
Pe
class accent. Loud, funny and good-

natured. (37 lines)
SETTING: The kitchen of a home in a working class Boston neighborhood.

TIME: The present.
♦ ♦ ♦
AT START: KELLY and STACY are in the kitchen of KELLY’S south
Boston home talking about the TV show “The Bachelor.”
KELLY: Those Bachelorettes are all pretty frick’in stupid, let’s face it.
I mean, that one with the big eyes…
STACY: Yeah, she’s a dip.

KELLY: The lady lawyer one’s okay.
STACY: But the Bachelors always go for the flakey, phony women,
ones that everyone else in the world realizes is a total whack job.
Margarita flights while we watch tonight?
KELLY: Definitely.
The door opens and MIA enters, just returning from school, wearing a
skirt and carrying an overflowing backpack. STACY immediately
begins to elaborately wave her arms and bow up and down as if an
ancient Empress has entered.
rm fo l
STACY: Oh, amazing brilliant one…
rfo ot sa
KELLY: (To MIA.) Ignore her honey.
MIA: Hi Auntie Stacy.
ce
STACY: (To KELLY.) Don’t you take her accomplishments for granted
r
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there. I mean, seriously, not for nothing but what have my kids ever
done? Love them to pieces, but not one of ‘em ever did nothing like
an
basically anything Mia does.
Pe
KELLY: No credit to me, let’s face it.

MIA: That’s not—
STACY: (To KELLY.) Hey, credit where credit’s due. You somehow
managed to bang the only intelligent guy ever went drinking down
at Whitey’s.
KELLY: Stacy!
STACY: Right. Sorry Mia. But I mean, God knows who your dad was,
but we got to figure he’s like MIT, Harvard, whatever, just goin’ out
slummin’ for the night.
KELLY: Well she sure didn’t get brains from my side. Valedictorian.
Who would have ever?
STACY: Valedictorian of Boston Latin! That’s like being mayor of New
York City, not like being mayor of some crap city like Brockton or
whatever.
MIA: It’s been real, but I’ve got to go study.
STACY: Look at that!
KELLY: What?
DEIRDRE GIRARD 47
STACY: “I’ve got to go study.” Like it’s nothing, like it’s just a normal
thing kids do every day. My kids are probably out with their friends
hitting a bong behind Sal’s Pizza right now.
KELLY: She’s way too smart to get mixed up with the kids from around
here. Not like us!
STACY: Oh my God Mia, you have no idea what we got up to! Did we
ever even tell you about our prom?
KELLY: Don’t you dare tell her that one!
MIA: I thought I’d heard pretty much everything by now…
KELLY and STACY: (Laughing hysterically.) Not that one!!
KELLY: Not ‘till you’re twenty-one!
STACY: (To MIA.) Hey, what are you wearing to your prom honey?
rm fo l
(To KELLY.) And why didn’t I get to go dress shopping with you
rfo ot sa
guys?
MIA: I’m not actually going…
ce
STACY: No way! How come?
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MIA: Nobody—
KELLY: She doesn’t need to go to prom! She’s going to Stanford!
an
STACY: Sure, I get it. What does someone like her need to be
Pe
pounding down Colt 45’s with the girls, or fighting off a bunch of
guys trying to get into her pants all night?
MIA: Sounds like your prom was pretty fun…
STACY: How do you think I ended up having Raymond when I was
eighteen?
KELLY: I’m gonna miss her like hell, but the further she gets away
from this neighborhood, the better, far as I’m concerned.
STACY: Well, that Stanford’s about as far away from Boston as you
can get. Don’t blame you one bit kid, not one bit.
KELLY: Acceptance signed, sealed and delivered as of yesterday! (As
MIA turns to leave.) Wait! Tell Stacy about the big Robotics club
competition before you go!
MIA: Mom…
STACY: Not another award?
KELLY: First place!
MIA: Bye!
MIA goes to her room.

KELLY: I can’t believe you brought up our prom!

STACY: She’s eighteen for Christ’s sake. Chill.
KELLY: But she’s not like us. I don’t want her to go all the way out to
California, meet all those rich Stanford kids, then be embarrassed
when she realizes—
KELLY pauses to listen. The sound of a motor quietly humming.
KELLY: (Continued.) Do you hear that?

STACY: Sounds like an electric toothbrush.
KELLY: But why would Mia be brushing in her bedroom?
STACY: Now she’s brushing her teeth in the middle of the day? You
rm fo l
got no idea how lucky—
rfo ot sa
MIA: (From offstage.) Ouch!
KELLY: (Calling out.) What ya doing in there honey?
ce
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The humming sound continues.

an
STACY: You think you should check on her?
Pe
KELLY: Nah. She’s always fine.

MIA: (From off, in pain.) Aaaaah!
KELLY: (Rushing off to MIA’S unseen room.) What the hell… (After a
moment, from off.) ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!
KELLY comes back dragging MIA by the arm.
STACY: What’s going on?

KELLY: I can’t believe this!
STACY: What?
KELLY: Show her!
MIA raises her skirt and shows her leg to STACY.
STACY: Oh Jesus, you’re bleeding.

KELLY: She did it to herself!
STACY: You cutting yourself or something?
KELLY: Alls I know is she was stabbing her skin with the insides from
her electric toothbrush!
DEIRDRE GIRARD 49
MIA: I’m fine! Just let me—

KELLY: We gotta clean that and put on some Neosporin. (To STACY,
as she gets the supplies.) I’ve probably been putting her under too
much pressure… (To MIA, cleaning MIA’S leg.) It’s just that you
have all the advantages to have a great life, to get away from here…
MIA: Maybe I don’t want to get away!
KELLY: Course you do!
STACY: Let her talk. This cutting yourself, my Jeannie did it for years,
you’ve seen her legs. They say it’s about stress release, not having
control over anything.
KELLY: I did this to you. Always pushing cause you’re so smart. And
now. Oh my God, I’m so sorry baby.
rm fo l
MIA: I’m not cutting!
rfo ot sa
STACY: You don’t have to be ashamed, lots of girls your age do.
MIA: I was just giving myself a tattoo!
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KELLY: What!? r
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MIA: I modified my electric toothbrush to make a tattoo gun.

STACY: That’s actually pretty clever there…
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KELLY: Aw, jeez, we could’a taken you to a nice clean place…
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MIA: I needed to do it myself.

KELLY: It’s just little, maybe no one will notice…
MIA: What difference does that make?
KELLY: You’re probably gonna be invited to all kinds of fancy parties
at that college of yours and you got to look perfect…
STACY: (Looking at MIA’S leg.) She could always get rid of it…
KELLY: There’s that special cream removes tattoos, hurts like hell
though…
MIA: NO! JUST STOP! I’M KEEPING IT!
KELLY: You finally got something to say and you got to shout at us
like that?
MIA: How can I ever actually say anything around here? You two never
stop talking! Don’t you get that you don’t leave any room for me?
I’m just some robot who gets perfect grades and never gives
anyone a hard time… some alien that mysteriously descended upon
the neighborhood and into your lives, a freak that you have to
protect from everyone and everything, who can’t even hang out on
the corner with the other kids or watch stupid TV shows with you!
STACY: That crap we watch on TV is a terrible influence honey…
MIA: It won’t kill me to watch crap once in a while!

KELLY: Okay…
MIA: I broke a rule. I got a tattoo. And I’m going to Stanford with this
little black mark on my leg. Get over it.
KELLY: (Looking at the tattoo.) What actually is it?
STACY: It looks like a small triangle…
KELLY: Is it a math thing?
STACY: I know what it is! Look at where it is on her leg Kells!
KELLY: It looks just like the funny black mark on my leg, it’s even in
the same spot…
MIA: Yeah.
KELLY: Why? I mean, I’ve only got it on accident because of the stupid
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shit I’m always doing. I told you Mia honey, I was throwing up a
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pencil in the air over and over when I was suppos’ta be doing my
math in Mr. Lucca’s seventh grade class. I was just bored out of my
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mind, farting around, then Stacy distracted me…
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STACY: Oh right, blame me!

KELLY: You did! So the pencil goes way up in the air and comes
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pointy side down into my leg, digs in so deep some of the lead’s still
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in there. Why would you ever…

MIA: It’s the same as yours.
KELLY: I don’t get it. (To STACY.) Do you get it?
STACY: (Pointedly.) It’s exactly the same as yours…
KELLY: Huh?
MIA: You’re always saying we’re nothing alike. So I just wanted
something… you know, before I leave for college…
STACY: Awwwwwww…
KELLY: If you had to copy something, did you have to go copying one
of my stupid shit somethings?
MIA: Maybe I want to do stupid shit too. (Beat.) I mean, not always…
but sometimes.
KELLY: Yeah? (Beat.) Okay then. Fine. (Beat.) Tonight, you’re taking
a break from studying. You’re gonna be watching “The Bachelor”
with me and Stacy.
MIA: Really? Cool.
KELLY: Plus we’re doing Margarita flights. You’re eighteen now…
MIA: Drinking age is twenty-one…
KELLY: Don’t be a pussy.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 51
MIA: (Laughing.) I can’t believe you just called your own daughter a
pussy…
KELLY: You want to be one of the girls? We can’t be watching our
mouths around you left and right no more.
STACY: (To MIA.) Now go get the limes, I’m gonna teach you my
famous pineapple lime margarita recipe.
KELLY: (Quietly to STACY while MIA gets a bowl of limes.) No alcohol
in hers.
STACY: Course not.
KELLY turns on dance music, and the ladies dance together as they
work in harmony making the margaritas.
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END OF PLAY
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BECAUSE YOU’RE JULIA

By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: Julia is beautiful, calm, and always in control- the perfect

mentor for younger actor Amelia who needs Julia’s advice just to get through
the day. Then the mysterious delivery of a dozen red roses to their dressing
room sends Julia into a tailspin.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(2 females, 1 male)
JULIA (f) ........................................ Late 20’s- mid 30’s, an actress. (49 lines)
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AMELIA (f) .................................... Late teens-early 20’s, an actress. (48
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lines)
OFF STAGE VOICE (m) ............... (1 line)
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SETTING: The dressing room of a small theater. There is door at the edge
of the stage that opens in; when opened, the audience cannot see what is on
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the other side.
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TIME: The present.
♦ ♦ ♦
AT RISE: JULIA is in the dressing room of a small theater applying
make-up. AMELIA, a younger actress enters.
AMELIA: (Talking nonstop, with over the top energy.) And oh my God,
Jules / I still can’t believe how much your coaching helped me
yesterday, I mean, I would have lost it, totally lost it, if you hadn’t
worked with me on how to handle dropped lines. I was overthinking
again, I know you warned me, but I was too much in my own head,
and then BOOM, I panicked and—
JULIA: Julia… // No one but you noticed, I promise.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 53
AMELIA: Except the director and stage manager. UGH! They hate
me, I know they do, I—
JULIA: You’re amazing and they both know it. How about we do some
focus exercises together before we go on tonight?
AMELIA: Definitely! You’re the best, seriously. I told my mom you were
like my mentor, role model, and big sister—all rolled into one great
big ball.
JULIA: And you’re seriously the best ego boost I’ve had in years.
AMELIA: Like you need it! God, I would kill to look like you and be like
this perfect in control princess…
JULIA: I wish! Now come on, get started on your make-up. I’ll help
when you get to eyeliner.
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AMELIA: Thank God! I don’t actually even know what “Cat Eye” is
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supposed to mean! (Beat.) But what if I screw up again tonight?
They probably won’t fire me for forgetting lines one time, but you
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know, if it happens again, I wouldn’t actually blame them if—
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JULIA: (Suddenly standing up, facing AMELIA, and going into

character with a Boston working class accent, reciting lines from the
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play they are about to perform.) Listen! You can’t be my frickin’ maid
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of honor no more, not for nothin’, but I told ya that already!

AMELIA: (Immediately standing, going into character.) Yeah, well you
promised, and don’t give me that look, I see that look, I was nine
and you said when ya got married, I’d be the one. And when your
big cousin tells ya somethin’ like that, ya remember it, like it’s for
real. And then when you find out different, it hurts like hell, I’m hurtin’
like hell here!
JULIA: (Out of character now.) See? Perfect!
AMELIA: Because you surprised me!
JULIA: It was all right there Amelia. Trust yourself.
A knock at the door. AMELIA moves to the door while JULIA continues
with make up.
AMELIA: I’ve got it! (Opening the door to an unseen stage hand.)
Tommy! What have we got there? OOOOHHH, thanks! (Bringing a
dozen red roses toward JULIA who is focused on her make-up.) For
you of course!
JULIA: (Finally looking up, then in a complete panic.) Stop!
AMELIA: What?
JULIA: (Shaken.) Don’t bring those near me!
AMELIA: They’re just—
JULIA: (Pointing to a table on the other side of the room.) Put them
over there! (AMELIA does.) Now move away from them!
AMELIA: What’s happening?
JULIA: Shhhhhh! (As she tentatively walks toward the roses.) Bring
me the tweezers.
AMELIA does, looking on in wonder. JULIA uses the tweezers to pick

up the florist’s card in the flowers and reads both sides.
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JULIA: No, no, no, no, no, no…
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AMELIA: Who are they from?
JULIA: No name… get them out of here! (As AMELIA moves toward
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the flowers.) No! Wait! Don’t. We can’t leave this room!
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AMELIA: (Freezing in place, then after a few moments.) I mean like,

for how long?
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JULIA: I don’t know! He could be out there!
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AMELIA: Okay… maybe sit down for a second and talk to me…
JULIA: (Pacing.) Oh my God, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know
what to do…
AMELIA: You always know what to do. Maybe just start by telling me
what’s happening.
JULIA: When I was working in Boston… I um… I started getting
flowers in my dressing room every night of a show…
AMELIA: An old boyfriend?
JULIA: No, just this random awkward guy. He seemed sweet and
totally normal, he was always waiting after the show for the actors,
and even came to my dressing room before shows a couple of times
to say “break a leg.” Then I started getting red roses every night,
never with a card…
AMELIA: Okay…
JULIA: It was a bit much, but not creepy. Then one day there was a
bouquet left inside my apartment, but no one had a key except me…
roses in my car, at my day job, delivered to my table when I was
eating out with friends…
AMELIA: A stalker?
DEIRDRE GIRARD 55
JULIA: I knew it was this guy from the theater because I started seeing
him all the time in the street, at the movies, walking by a friend’s
house when I was visiting. The police couldn’t do anything because
I didn’t know his name or have a picture—why would I have a
picture? And he never made threats. After a few months, I was so
rattled I couldn’t work, couldn’t remember lines, couldn’t even look
into the audience because I was terrified I’d see him.
AMELIA: What did you do to stop the perv?
JULIA: I… I left Boston and moved here. Starting using my mom’s
maiden name…
AMELIA: No way…
JULIA: What else could I do? The police acted like I was the crazy
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one. And now… now he’s found me… and I can’t Amelia, I can’t
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deal with this again…
AMELIA: Hang on. First of all, we don’t know the flowers came from
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him for sure, right?
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JULIA: They did!

AMELIA: Let’s call the florist, find out.
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JULIA: (Hysterical.) THERE’S NO POINT!! You just don’t get it!
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AMELIA picks up her phone, looks at the florist’s card and dials, then
hands the phone to JULIA. JULIA shakes her head “no” but AMELIA
persists. JULIA reluctantly takes the phone.
JULIA: (On phone.) Hi… um… I just got some flowers delivered to the
Victory Theater and… um… no, they’re fine, but I need to know who
sent them. (To AMELIA.) They’re checking.
AMELIA: Good.
JULIA: (On phone.) You’re sure? Okay, thanks. (To AMELIA.) They’re
from my mom! Oh my God, I was so scared! I feel like a complete
idiot!
AMELIA: There you go!
JULIA: I’m sorry, I thought I was over it, but as soon as I saw them…
I mean, I can’t even pass a flower shop anymore without having a
panic attack, it’s that bad.
AMELIA: So why are you letting this jerk control your life?
JULIA: I’m not.
AMELIA: You moved because of him.
JULIA: I was thinking of moving anyway…

AMELIA: This just totally isn’t like you at all!
JULIA: You don’t really know me.
AMELIA: What if I had a stalker? What would you tell me to do? Move?
JULIA: No…
AMELIA: So? Give me some advice then. I’ve got a stalker, I ask you
for help. Go.
JULIA: I would tell you… I guess I would say… (Beat.) I would say
not to do what I did.
AMELIA: What should I do then?
A knock at the door; JULIA screams.
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OFF STAGE VOICE: 30 minutes ladies! Everything ok?
AMELIA: We’re good, Tommy!
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JULIA: Sorry, I just…
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AMELIA: I know.
JULIA: So anyway… I’d probably tell you to not let some stranger
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change who you are, make you cower like a child.
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AMELIA: How would I do that? Like give me examples…

JULIA: Do whatever it takes to find out who he is and let the police
know… let your family and friends help, don’t pretend you’re fine or
be too embarrassed to speak up… maybe learn karate, I don’t
know… basically, stand up to him.
AMELIA: That sounds pretty good.
JULIA: It actually feels good to say it out loud.
AMELIA: So we’re going to deal with this thing together, like you just
said, okay?
JULIA: I’m totally fine now, promise.
AMELIA: I’m going to ask you a question, and I know you can handle
it. Because you’re Julia.
JULIA: (Looking at her phone.) God, we need to get ready, maybe we
should talk about this after? But I really appreciate—
AMELIA: Julia! Listen to me, okay? I’m going to ask you the question
right now. Here it is: I know you’re real close to your mom, so I’m
wondering why she would send you roses if she knows that’s what
the stalker always sent.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 57
JULIA: (Several moments, trying not to panic.) She wouldn’t… you’re

right… not ever… he must have just left her name…
JULIA runs to the door and puts a chair under the knob to keep anyone
from entering.
AMELIA: So what are we going to do?

JULIA: I… um…
AMELIA: Just say the first thing, what’s the first thing we should do?
JULIA: Um… I don’t know… maybe tell Tommy not to let any strangers
near the dressing rooms or back stage?
AMELIA: That’s a good one. What else?
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JULIA: I think I need to talk to my apartment super so he can watch
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out in case the creep shows up there… and I should get another
lock on my door. Probably talk to the local police and make them
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take me seriously this time. And I need to finally take one of those
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self-defense classes for women, I keep putting it off.

AMELIA: How about we take the class together in case he ever shows
up here?
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JULIA: Yeah, that would be great. Thanks. (Beat.) What if he’s in the
audience tonight?
AMELIA: I don’t know. Do you think you should go on?
JULIA: (Taking a moment to process.) He can’t hurt me while I’m on
stage… so I just have to focus, be in the moment… forget about his
shit for a couple of hours and do my job.
AMELIA: See how brave you are? I could never do that.
A knock at the door. Both women gasp. After a moment JULIA put her
arm around AMELIA to comfort her.
JULIA: (Calling out.) Tommy? Is that you again? (No answer; JULIA
picks up her phone, dials, then whispers.) Tommy? I need you to
grab a few people and come downstairs to see who’s at my dressing
room door. I’ve had a problem with a stalker, he’s tall, blond with
glasses, and always wears a suit. Okay?
Another knock, much more aggressive this time.

AMELIA: (Stifling a scream, terrified now and backing away from the
door.) What do we do now!?
JULIA: I don’t know…
AMELIA: (Looking around in a panic.) I think we better hide!
JULIA: I’m so, so tired of hiding…
AMELIA: Then maybe we could just go stand, like way over there, you
know, behind the curtains or something…
JULIA: You go, I’m okay.
AMELIA: (Taking JULIA’S hand.) No way, I’m not leaving you. (Beat.)
We’ll just wait right here for Tommy to come rescue us.
JULIA looks at AMELIA for a long moment.
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JULIA: I don’t think so.
AMELIA: Then what?
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JULIA: You stand back, I’m getting that goddamn photo.
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JULIA moves resolutely to the door, removes the chair, opens it and
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takes a burst of photos with her cell phone. Lights down.
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END OF PLAY
DEIRDRE GIRARD 59
ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE ROBOTS?

By Deirdre Girard
SYNOPSIS: Tele-Nurse Ruth is worn out by life, responding by rote to the

sometimes desperate callers who need her medical advice, until one call
pushes her out of her indifference and into a world she never thought she’d
embrace.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(2 females, 2 either)
RUTH (f)......................................... 50’s-60’s, traditional, buttoned up,
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ANNE (f) ........................................ mid 20’s to late 30’s, a young woman of
simple, quiet dignity. (46 lines)
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PATIENT 1 (m/f) ............................ Any adult age, gender. Can also be an
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off-stage voice. (4 lines)

PATIENT 2 (m/f) ............................ Any adult age, gender. Can also be an
an off-stage voice. (5 lines)
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SETTING: The home office of Ruth, a Tele- Nurse, with computer; Anne’s
home. Both can be very simply suggested and both areas will be visible on
stage at all times.
TIME: The present.
NOTES: At the director’s option, Patient 1 and Patient 2 can be off-stage

voices or done as onstage roles, where each character simply walks on with a
phone is his or her hand and directs dialogue to the audience.
/ (backslash) indicates the next line should be said in overlap fashion.

♦ ♦ ♦
AT START: Early evening. ANNE is in her home pacing, preoccupied.

She reaches for her cell, dials, changes her mind. She tries to distract
herself with a book but quickly puts it down, stares off. At the same
time, RUTH is in her office wearing headphones, listening to a caller.
She refers to her computer to ask questions in a non-emotional, rote
matter, and then types in answers.
RUTH: Have you noticed any redness or swelling?

PATIENT 1: (Sounding in pain.) I already told you all that, plus about
the puss!
RUTH: I need to go through the questions in the prescribed order.
Have you noticed any redness or swelling?
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PATIENT 1: YES! And it hurts like hell! I need help here!
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RUTH: I understand. How long have these symptoms persisted?
PATIENT 1: (Moaning in pain.) It’s starting to burn now, like so bad!
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Are you a real person or one of those robots or something?
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RUTH: How long have these symptoms persisted?

PATIENT 1: Can you help me or not?
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RUTH: If you answer my questions. How—(Sound of disconnect.)
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…Hello?
RUTH sighs and picks up a book to read, hoping for a few minutes to
relax. ANNE takes a deep breath and finally dials. We hear a sound
indicating a new call coming in for RUTH. She sighs again in
exasperation, marks her book, and takes Anne’s call.
RUTH: Internet Health, Tele-Nurse Ruth speaking. May I have your

membership number?
ANNE: 137934AA.
RUTH: (Entering on computer.) Thank you. Can you tell me in a few
words why you are calling?
ANNE: I don’t know really.
RUTH: Are you feeling ill?
ANNE: Um… not especially.
RUTH: Did you have questions about your membership?
ANNE: No.
RUTH: Perhaps you can call back when you’re not feeling well.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 61
ANNE: I don’t feel great. I’m… I guess I’m just feeling sad and I’d like
to talk to someone about it.
RUTH: (Suddenly coming to attention and rapidly typing into
computer.) Oh. Okay then. I’m going to ask you a series of
questions. (Reading from computer.) Have you already attempted
or are you planning to attempt suicide today?
ANNE: What? No!
RUTH: Are you having thoughts of suicide?
ANNE: I’m just more like blue, down in the dumps.
RUTH: Are you having thoughts of suicide?
ANNE: I just said no!
RUTH: Thank you. I need specific answers before I can move on. How
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long have these symptoms persisted?
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ANNE: Sadness? On and off my whole life. Mostly “on” when I was
growing up, and mostly “off” since I’ve been on my own. Until now I
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guess. r
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RUTH: So would you say a week or more, a month or more or a—

ANNE: I just want to talk!
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RUTH: I can refer you to our Tele-Therapist partner, but additional
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membership fees apply.

ANNE: No! I want you to help me.
RUTH: So would you say a week or—
ANNE: Stop! Not questions and answers, not you grilling me. I want
to talk in my own way.
RUTH: I’m sorry but—
ANNE: Can you do that? Can you actually understand there is a
human being on the other end of the line?
RUTH: As you know, calls may be monitored, and I’m required to—
ANNE: Are you a robot or a real—
RUTH: I’m a real person!
ANNE: Good to know. So stop with the list. I’m the customer, and I
want to know what you as a human being think, not what some
computer program tells you to think. (Beat.) So I’ve been kind of
sad…
RUTH: Have you attempted or are you planning to attempt suicide—
ANNE: Only if you don’t stop!
RUTH: Sorry. It’s automatic. But try to understand. If someone really
is that sad, they need help right away.
ANNE: I’m not that kind of sad.

RUTH: Okay.
ANNE: I just miss my mother.
RUTH: Oh. Um… did she pass?
ANNE: No.
RUTH: Are you estranged?
ANNE: Yeah.
RUTH: (Hesitating, uncertain, but then decisive .) Call her. I mean it.
Get on the phone right now. Because if too much time goes by…
ANNE: I don’t think she wants to hear from me. She’s very religious
and she doesn’t approve of what she calls “my lifestyle.”
RUTH: (After several moments, with dawning realization and emotion.)
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Anne? Is that you?
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ANNE: So I left home right after high school—
RUTH: Oh my gosh Annie, it really is you…
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ANNE: …moved to Boston and—
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RUTH: Boston? I would never have guessed Boston. It’s so big…

ANNE: I love it here, this part of the country, nobody judges. I don’t
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have to pretend I like boys or I’m just too busy to date.
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RUTH: You, um… you changed your last name?

ANNE: Well, my family didn’t want me so—
RUTH: That’s not true!
ANNE: Not me me. You sent me to camp to pray the gay away!
RUTH: That was your step-father!
ANNE: I don’t remember you trying to stop him.
RUTH: There were other programs there, crafts and archery…
swimming! You always loved to swim.
ANNE: So you sent me for the sports?
RUTH: The church, all my friends… they were all so sure that if I just…
it was hard for me to—
ANNE: It was hard for me! How do you think it feels to have a mother
who doesn’t love you, who wants you to be someone else, who—
RUTH: That’s not true.
ANNE: (Sarcastically.) Great. So I guess I can come back home now
and you can introduce me and my wife to all the church ladies.
RUTH: Wife? (Beat.) Oh goodness…
ANNE: Excuse me, did you mean to say “congratulations?”
RUTH: I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed…
DEIRDRE GIRARD 63
ANNE: Yeah. I figured. That’s why I didn’t invite you to the wedding.
But at least the bakery didn’t mind making us a cake.
RUTH: Why would anyone mind making a cake?
ANNE: Forget it.
RUTH: Was it like a wedding wedding or just…
ANNE: Yeah, we’re allowed to have real weddings. They let us do it
all—love each other, buy a wedding dress, hire a caterer, pick out
flowers.
RUTH: I always thought I’d be there when you chose your wedding
dress…
ANNE: Isn’t it weird? I’m like a real person now.
RUTH: Of course you are.
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ANNE: I’m not “less than.” I’m not mixed up and confused. I’m not too
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ugly to get a man. I’m not—
RUTH: You’re not ugly. You’re beautiful.
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ANNE: Patricia thinks so.
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RUTH: Oh. (Beat.) Um… so… what are you doing for work?
ANNE: Did you want to ask about Patricia?
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RUTH: What do you mean?
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ANNE: I mean I just told you I’m married, that you have a daughter-in-
law, that—
RUTH: Yes, I heard.
ANNE: Don’t you want to know anything about your new daughter-in-
law?
RUTH: My… are you sure? I mean, technically I don’t think—
ANNE: Yeah, I’m sure.
RUTH: Okay then. That’s something, isn’t it?
ANNE: How will you ever explain it to your friends?
RUTH: It’s none of their business!
ANNE: That’s right. Just keep it a secret.
RUTH: /I didn’t mean—
ANNE: You already have a daughter you never talk about. Now you
have a daughter-in-law that you can’t talk about either. And to
complete the secret family, in six months you’ll have a grandchild
you’ll be too embarrassed to mention. But you know what? I can’t
be sad about that anymore because it’s all too wonderful. So this is
it. It’s me signing over and out forever because I will not expose my
child to anything that is hateful and ugly. Not my beautiful baby. She
deserves the world, Mom, she deserves to be loved and accepted.

And you know what? I guess this is a great big relief for you too.
You don’t have to worry I’ll pop up unexpectedly at home, walking
hand in hand with my wife down Main Street, pushing our baby in a
stroller. You don’t even have to worry about anyone seeing my
name because we don’t share that anymore. I officially release you
from any connection, and I release myself too.
ANNE bangs the phone down and wraps herself in a blanket, rocking
in her chair, trying not to cry.
RUTH: Anne? Annie?
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Sound of a call coming in from RUTH’S work.
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RUTH lets the phone buzz for a bit almost as if she won’t answer, but
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then sighs in resignation and picks up the call.
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RUTH: (Continued. Even more detached and disinterested than

earlier.) Internet Health Tele-Nurse Ruth speaking. How can I help
you?
PATIENT 2: There’s something weird growing on my toe.
RUTH: Membership number?
PATIENT 2: I gave it to the machine before the call came through. So
this toe thing—
RUTH: Membership number?
PATIENT 2: Are you a real human or one of them stupid robo voice
things?
RUTH: (After a few moments of seriously considering this.) I supposed
I must be one of those automated things. (Beat.) I don’t even know
if I can think or feel anything that hasn’t been programmed into me
from the minute I was born.
PATIENT 2: Huh?
RUTH: And that damn programming is getting pretty old and tired.
PATIENT 2: Are you sure you’re not a human?
RUTH: I’m sorry, but I have to disconnect you.
DEIRDRE GIRARD 65
RUTH hangs up, checks the computer for the number and dials her
daughter. ANNE tentatively picks up.
ANNE: Hello?
RUTH: Hi. (Beat.) I’m calling because I need help.
ANNE: I don’t understand…
RUTH: I’m feeling really sad and I’d like to talk to someone about it.
ANNE gently smiles and puts her hand to her stomach. Lights down.
END OF PLAY
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Women at The Centre - Script

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Women at The Centre - Script

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WOMEN AT THE CENTER

SYNOPSIS: Women at the Center consists of nine ten-minute plays with

Loneliness finds Elizabeth contemplating an unconventional choice that’s out

HEADING TOWARD TIKI VILLA

THE KIDS FROM THE LAKE

YOU’RE HOME NOW

A HEDGE AGAINST LONELINESS

LITTLE BLACK MARK

BECAUSE YOU’RE JULIA

ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE ROBOTS?

HEADING TOWARD TIKI VILLA

DAVE (m) ....................................... Late 20’s-early 30’s, average looking,

SETTING: A large room with a few scattered chairs in an empty building.

DAVE: (Speaking to EMMA’S back.) Are you my Valentine?

sorry for myself.

EMMA: Yeah? What do you usually do?

DAVE: Absolutely. They’ll never believe it. I walk into a Valentine’s

EMMA laughs despite herself.

DAVE: (Continued.) While I certainly do have the aforementioned cute

EMMA: At least you’re employed. That would be enough for plenty of

DAVE: Eyes closed?

Several moments as EMMA, taken aback, moves from mild annoyance

EMMA: I… what’s your name?

DAVE: He might be a totally driven hedge-fund manager who paints

She opens her eyes and looks around.

EMMA: (Continued.) Dave? (Standing, searching.) Dave!?

When EMMA realizes DAVE is gone, she is completely defeated,

EMMA: (Continued.) You’re going to need an extra straw boys!

THE KIDS FROM THE LAKE

ASHLEY (f) .................................... late 20’s-mid 30’s. A bit reserved and

rm fo l Down-to-earth with an easy charm.

all genders. Feel free to change names/pronouns accordingly.

TIME: The present.

ASHLEY: I guess the pantry must be bare…

SAM: You can’t possibly have failed to notice that.

but he comes up whenever he can, and Joanie made it big with

A few moments of silence while they continue to feed the ducks.

SAM: Still are.

ASHLEY: What the hell!!!

ASHLEY: Just get away from me!

ASHLEY shakes her head “no” and starts to walk off.

SAM: (Continued.) Ash! I would never!

ASHLEY hesitates but doesn’t turn back.

SAM: (Continued.) You okay?

A few moments of silence.

ASHLEY: After my parents’ divorce, you know we had to sell

that kept me going…

ASHLEY is overwhelmed by emotion. SAM starts to reach out, but then

SAM: Maybe you shouldn’t have come…

Several moments of silence as they look directly and intensely at each

ASHLEY: Like what?

SAM: You’re killing me here. Toasted marshmallows dipped in a can

ASHLEY: To seeing you again.

SAM: To finding out you’re still single.

They toast. Lights down,

YOU’RE HOME NOW

rm fo l and tidy. (51 lines)