MINISCULE DIARY 2020

21-09

I'm trying hard not to look at the moon. Today was as uneventful as fuck.

I'm trying to bring into my mind's eye more than your face

22-09

...

23-09

I'm in the "don't touch me" phase. if you were here I knew you would say something
along the lines of stop running from comfort and I'd say touching me does not comfort
me. Then you'd go ahead to prove me wrong. Man I miss you

24-09

I miss you more in places like this. that's why I don't go to parties. I'm thinking about
you since there's nothing to think about here. Oh congrats u.niyi. you are getting
married to (drumroll...)KUBURA. LOLZ.

nobody asked me but I think she's not worth it

Oh I think I saw his ex at the wedding

25-09

tired to even think.. goodnight

26-09
injured myself packing books at the bustop,a trailer hit my shoulder hard.... goodnight

27-09

it's a Sunday again (oooooooooo God) I've decided not to go to church today. shoulder
still hurts.

28-09

plumb ass tired delivered and stacked books throughout today feel like cursing
everyone.... montel has gone. I think I'm lonely

Damn I like montel he's cool.sorry I'm harsh on him sometimes

his mom is cool too

29-09

on my way to deliver books again waited 2 hrs at the bustop for a bus.... bought Petrol
in the evening.saw a deaf &dumb girl selling fruits at the bstop. The love the people
around her had for her put my heart in a tough spot. these people are helping her out.
mehn my heart went out to her.

damn the girl is beautiful too

shoulder hurts more than yesterday's

30-09

bored as a rats ass today had nothing to do except deliver

1-10

happy independence Nigeria. nah it's wacky

A full moon tonight

I'm thinking more of ginika and you particularly

drake/Majid jordan *hold on we are going home*

I miss you

where's vivi?

TOLU,I miss her the most of all

I pick up the phone to call her but I don't go through it. I'm sorry y'all. I just wanna be
alone

2-10

I'm plumb ass tired

I feel like ending it all (but don't we all sometimes)

well I almost did today but didn't go through without it.

this is my third attempt in one week.

six people can make a difference in me: Teni,Tolu,vivi,ginika, hendy & faustina(in
decreasing order of usefulness)

none of them is around.

faustina thinks dating is all about sex and money nah

I'm tired

3-10

tired

4-10

scared.

5-10
the throbbing is back. it hit me in the bus today when I was coming. I had no earpiece
nor headset on, the noise brought them on.

it hurts more above my left eye.

I can't even reach this pain

6-10

I've resumed self infliction of pain. use another pain to cancel another. head banging,
biting and needles.i wish these migraines would just stop.

7-10

went to shomolu today

NECO is coming up and I'm scared to read. Don't want to risk another headache. I'm
fucking tired. Going to bed with a throbbing head

Now as I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

and if I should die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take

12-10

I miss Hendy so much

13-10

I feel so abnormal
what's wrong??

26-10

had a migraine at 3 a.m this morning. not now please....

28-10

had a dream I was about to get married to ginika suddenly.

mum never told me anything. we went to ShopRite later where we had crazy
adventures.

I went naked

29-10

no abnormal thoughts except suicide lolz

30-10

I want to see her

1-11

happy new month

God I'm tired

7-11

reccuring bouts of insomnia. I need peace...

13-11

I miss Hendy

I miss and love her than I admit to her or myself.

28-11

.. As I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

if I should die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take

29-11

my euphoria has started to wane since yesterday. things got a little bit teary yesterday.

You do not own the thing that you love. I was lucky to learn that lesson at such a young
age. I don't want to let her go but I have to . This is a lesson I've learnt a lot of times,
isn't it unfair that I'm not entitled to longtime euphoria. I want...

she's going back to him

1-12

Happy new month babe. I know you'll still read this someday.

I watched aashiqui again today. That movie still makes me cry. it reminds me of a lot of
memories I want to bury. it reminds me of kemi,hendy and mostly myself. God it's
hard.....
Hey diary. Do you know why I love Hendy?

lolz, it's because she gave me the greatest gift. She gave me myself. I'm always myself
around her. That's the best gift anyone could ever give me. I'm enjoying a freedom
that's unparalleled.

the guys at work missed me so much.

2-12

I still can't sleep. it's been four days now.

my head has begun to throb. I pray I don't get a migraine today nor anytime soon. I'm
so bored.

I pray I sleep tonight

3-12

Why did I talk to her tonight? why do I let her words still hurt me. she said " do you
know why you are pitiful? it's because you had no heart to begin with. That's why you
toy with people feelings and you are not even sorry when you destroy them. Do you get
happiness from destroying others, you pitiful heartless son of a bitch?"

Thank God the migraine came at night, this pain is...

I can't look at light. God it brings tears to my eyes.

I'm tired. I want to end it all.

4-12

sorry for saying those delusional statements yesterday, I have a reason to live now. I
can't commit suicide, I'm in love with Hendy. I'm not a coward. I won't run away.

5-12
faustina told me she loved me again today.

6-12

I've lost count of how many days I've gone without sleep. I've got dark rings around my
eyes. it clears pretty soon though.

I know I promised her I wouldn't talk about dying but it's the only thing I think of when
I am in pain. Nobody understands how much I think death will give me peace. Nobody
also understands that I want to be alive too.

I'm not a pessimist. I don't want bad things to happen to me. I only expect the worst, so
I prepare for the worst,and when the worst happens, I'm ready for it. though what I
think doesn't affect the reality of the world. the worst is still going to hurt.

7-12

I spoke to her tonight. she opened up her pain to me. I wish i..

8-12

The pain...

a migraine hit me at c.u today, rushed into the toilet, locked it and cried for an hour
straight. I think I've discovered a connection. extremely bad memories bring them on.
C.U has a lot of them too.

hold up, I just thought of something. Someone may read my diary. well fucker,this will
be the last time I'd mention anything about migraines here so..you can kiss my ass.

I can't let you be worried about me. you have enough of your own worries already.

9-12

I miss her

10-12
it's another day... I was actually looking forward to an uneventful day, you won't
believe what happened ,my dear diary. Filke asked me to have sex with her, she says
she wants me to disvirgin her as she loves me.i told her I'm in a serious relationship
but she said it doesn't matter .she also said that it's up to me to decide whether I'll do it
only this one time or we should remain fuck buddies for as long as we know each other.

I don die. abi them use girl swear for me ni.

this is a tempting offer but I'm not going to do it. I don't love her. I love Hendy. I've not
had sex with Hendy sef (at least not yet).

what a tempting offer, after I scratched sex from my next year resolutions. The devil
issa hard worker.

11-12

damn

is this what I'm getting for opening up to her? I explain myself to her and I get this?
should I have hidden this from her? I don't want to lie to her and see what it brought
me.. she doesn't realize she's special, even tolu and funmibi don't get explanation for
my actions from me. lolz I Know one thing for sure, I can't sleep tonight after this.

well,I'm sorry for my childish behavior but I couldn't help it. I can't talk to her tonight
anymore

13-12

14 days to go (at least that's what I pray it should be). I had to go to church today and I
was half pissed and happy. happy that they finished early and pissed at labake's dad.
why can't he mind his fucking business?. well that's off.

I was drawing today in front of the window and heard the door to my room open
silently. Though I knew nobody entered, my mind played out a familiar scene. I actually
felt like someone was behind me and with a hug that makes her breasts caress my
head,she turns my head and kisses me, conveying her intentions to grab my attention.

oh shit
I'm going to lose it if I keep thinking things like this.

14-12

today is another day

filke called six times.

15-12

o ti su mi

16-12

you know there's something different and emotive about listening to a vibe of yours in
a sweet voice. heard our song *All I want.,and it brought back memories, nostalgia and
a crazy ass migraine. I didn't know I could still feel this way. The song calmed me down
eventually.

All I want is nothing more

to hear you knocking at my door

cause if I could see your face once more

I can die a happy man I'm sure

but if you loved me

why'd you leave me?

take my body

take my body

all I want is....

I'm tired
17 -12

I think I know what it means now. well I pray it's not what I think.

19-12

I'm tired of playing mind games. they give me migraines.

I think I hurt myself on purpose and at the same time refuse to give others the right to
console me. forgive me ,I just wanna be alone till I sort my head and mind out.

20-12

I can't keep counting the days, it gives me a false sense of reality. I miss her

and oh!! Blessing kissed me today. lolz

I didn't know she still felt this way. she's a small girl so I didn't take it the wrong way
with her.told her I have a girlfriend and that we can't even date. well I think it hurt her
feelings

22-12

saw filke and abyss today. filke has started again ooo

o ti su mi

24-12

I just want to sleep tomorrow

I'm so fucking tired

it's hard lying to myself. I don't know if I can keep this up.
but I know what jealousy is. it's a bad thing. jealousy is a bad thing,it will make you do
bad things. you'll do things that'll make you wonder how far you'll go.

I don't want to live that life anymore. I'll jus pretend I'm fine. it's easier that way.

I don't have any right to interfere in her life. I'll just put on a fact of acceptance,if not
pleasure and I'll feel miserable

oh by the way I saw filke today and the moon is half already.

welcome friend....

25-12

Merry Christmas. I'm so lonely. you know that feeling you get when you turn someone
you want to talk to away. I'm feeling that way lately.

26-12

though I feel there's nothing special about boxing day, happy boxing day. I can feel the
aura already, a migraine is incoming...

it came this night and lasted for approximately an hour. thank God it was better when
Hendy called. the screen light caused me much pain but I felt better after typing that
message. ...

now that I'm alright,I think I made a mistake. I shouldn't have told her I had a
migraine. I'm gonna get her worried. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so stupid...

27 -12
church was interesting it's been a long time

labake is a comedian, and blessing ..... blessing is just blessing.

I'm fucking tired

29-12

it's a new day, I'm tired.

I still can't sleep. I'm setting a new record . when I sleep it doesn't last two hours.
headaches here and there. I'm kinda touchy. I've been flaring up for no reason. Got into
trouble today . I'm fucking tired of all this bullshit.

I'll be damned if I don't want a break.

heard thutmose memories today, that song brings bittersweet memories to me

30-12

one day left till i delete my diary, or shouldn't I?

I want ti but i don't.

I'm feeling so down and tired. nothing interests me for now. I should have known this
was coming. I used up all my euphoria the other day.

pain is the only solace.i'm so tired.

time really moves fast. this is all a farce. I'm feeling sucidal lately.

I'm lost and confused. I saw it coming and it still came .....

I'm done with drugs. I'll bear my pain. I'm going through so much,I'm 19 years old it's
been months since I've felt like this. I'm still sad as a bitch. I don't anyone to think I'm
an asshole but I should stop pretending though.

I can't keep bottling up all my emotions.

31-12
I'm so happy,this year is going to end on a good note.

though I think I'm still depressed.