THE FILIPINO FAMILY TODAY: A BATTLEGROUND? “In this essay, written in 2002, I focus on structural tensions within the family, those brought about on the one hand by the gender divide and on the other by the generational divide. By the gender divide I mean unreasonable expectation imposed in many cases on women as responsible for holding the family together and meeting emergencies, often in the face of irresponsible behavior on the part of the men. I suggest that this may be traced to a difference in the child-rearing practices applied to boys and to girls. The generational divide, on the other hand, appears to stem from the absence of one or both parents from the home and the difficulties that many young people find in communicating with their parents. Yee research shows that the young do express a desire for deeper personal relations with their parents, I suggest that the future of the family and of society depends in part on meeting this double challenge. MY FRIEND Annabelle, a woman in her 40s with three children and a wayward husband, was awakened one night recently by a family emer- gency. One of her brothers had been out drinking, got into a quarrel and pulled out a gun; his adversary wrested it from him and shot him. ‘Another brother rushed to the scene, assaulted the gun wielder, and was arrested. So Annabelle spent the next day at the precinct, putting up money to get her brother out of detention while listening to the complaints of her sister-in-law that she was not doing enough for the brother who was shot and in the hospital. A week later she had another phone call; her brother was ready to be released from the hospital but had no money to pay his bill. “Please Ate” was the appeal. So she, a working woman receiving no financial support from her husband, dug into her small reserves and raised the money—with no expectation of ever being repaid. Meanwhile she is taking care of her sister's children while the latter works abroad to support them, and even found a job for the sister's no-good husband. 16THE FILIPINO FAMILY TODAY: A BATTLEGROUND? THE GENDER DIVIDE The story brings out a number of points worth noting. First of all, that the Filipino family is a refuge and support for its members in time of crisis. Years ago, while teaching a course on Philippine social structure, Iwould read to my students a passage that described the family as like a convoy of ships making their way through hostile seas; they stay to- gether for mutual protection. The students agreed that this described well the Filipino family, and were surprised when I showed them that the passage came from Luigi Barzini’s book, The Italians. Filipinos are not unique in this respect; in one way or another reliance on the family or clan is typical of societies in which one cannot rely on public au- thorities, bank accounts, or insurance policies for security. A second point brought out in the story is the irresponsibility of many of the men in our society, illustrated by Annabelle’s husband who is living with another woman (but still calls on Annabelle for help at times) and especially by her two brothers who got themselves into the mess from which Annabelle had to extricate them. Again and again I run into cases of irresponsible behavior among men in the slums: drink- ing, gambling, drugs, more children than they can support, other women, and abandoned families. Such irresponsibility is not restricted to the men, of course, and I know many counterexamples of faithful and hardworking husbands and fathers. Yet it is frequent enough to be a pattern, and the pattern seems not to be restricted to the slums. I have frequently noted how many well-organized, intelligent, responsible, and attractive young Filipinas find it difficult to find men up to their standards as marriage partners. A Jesuit friend with many years of experience in marriage counseling among the middle and upper classes confirms this observation and re- lates it to child-rearing practices: the boys are often allowed to run wild [“lalaki lang siya”] while the girls are disciplined and often required to help with the housework. Moreover, the fact that the nation, including many of the women, knowingly voted for a womanizer, drinker, and gambler as president would seem to say something about the people's standards and expectations. The third point is obvious. Irresponsibility on the part of the men imposes unfair burdens on the women, who often feel morally 17THE SOCIAL SYSTEM, obliged to hold the family together. My friend Annabelle, for ex- ample, swears that in the next crisis she will let her brothers fend for themselves; but from experience I find it hard to believe her. Thus, in her case and many others, the Filipino family retains its solidarity and provides for its children only at the cost of painful sacrifices and even exploitation of the women. THE GENERATIONAL DIVIDE If the gender divide puts the solidarity of the family under strain hori- ontally, there appears also to be a generational divide between parents and children that exerts a vertical strain. Youth Study 2001, a nation- wide survey of Filipino youth aged 7~21 and conducted by NFO-Trends, brings out various aspects of this strain. Basically, the youth appear to Jong for a warm and supportive family environment and say that they are happiest when doing things with the family; yet these occasions come too rarely and communication with parents is often difficult, Overall, one in four families lacks one or both parents at home, and in the middle class it is almost two out of five. Fathers are more likely to be absent than mothers, primarily because of death. Mothers are absent mainly because of work outside the country ot the province. Divorce, separation, and single parenthood account for significant num- ber of absent parents as well. Here it may be surmised that the absence of stable adult male role models for the boys leads to greater reliance on Peers and the barkada, and to the pattern of irresponsibility noted above. On the other hand, mothers who are absent due to work may well be sacrificing family solidarity and role modeling for their children on the altar of economic necessity. Even in families with both parents at home, communication is not always easy. Parents are seen mainly at night or on weekends; they are seen least by the AB (economically comfortable) classes, and most by the E (poorest) class. Fathers are at home less than mothers, and this is probably the reason why the youth feel closer to their mothers than to their fathers (56 percent versus 18 percent). Moreover, many of the youth are critical of their fathers for being absent, for apparent neglect of the family, and for negative behavior such as vices and quarreling with the mother. m8THE FILIPINO FAMILY TODAY: A BATTLEGROUND? In group discussions the youth revealed a longing for love, un- derstanding, guidance, and affection from their parents, bur at the same time say that they cannot talk to them about what is often most important to them—their love lives. Hence, there develops an alienation from parents and increased reliance on the peer group. Yet, when all is said and done, 57 percent of them see their mothers as a female ideal, and 52 percent sce their fathers as a male ideal. THE CHALLENGE The double divide, horizontal and vertical, which we have attempted to describe, puts the traditional solidarity of the Filipino family under great strain—with consequences not only for the present but for the coming generation, which is being formed within today’s families. Moreover, the strain comes at a time when the family, as we have known it, is under ideological attack from a form of individualism that would put the good of the individual—especially the woman—above that of the family, and that would put alternative lifestyles on a par with tradi- tional marriage. This emphasis is evident in various documents coming from the United Nations, and can be seen as a blatant form of cultural imperialism. Moreover, the drive to weaken traditional family struc- tures is taking place precisely at a time when juvenile delinquency and teenage violence are major problems in the developed nations; with the enemy at the gates, these nations seem bent on dismantling their best defense. Fortunately, the fight for the family is not yet lost in the Philip- pines. Despite all of the strains, there is still widespread belief in traditional family values and family solidarity, and deep concern for the proper formation of children. I am personally impressed by the number of highly competent professional women I know who, after the first or second child was born, gave up their jobs at considerable sacrifice in order to devote themselves entirely to the family at least for those first crucial years. ‘At the same time, efforts must be made to reduce the strains that we have described. It may not be easy to teach irresponsible male adults to accept their responsibilities rather than leave every- thing to the women; at the very least, mothers caught in such ngTHE SOCIAL SYSTEM. situations can insist that their sons accept responsibilities at school, at home, at work. Parents, too, can and should save quality time for being with their children, to be involved in their activities, and learn to listen sympathetically to them without being too judg- mental. Finally, the parish and religious organizations that cater specifically to families have a key role to play. The battle will not be easy, but what is at stake is the future not only of the family but of the church and the nation as well. 120