Hi, Angela! Thanks for sending your essay to Upswing. My name is Whillie.

I’m a
writing coach with Upswing. In this review, I’ll walk you through your argumentative
essay strengths, the areas that need more attention, and any other points that you
requested with your submission.

– START OF STUDENT ESSAY–

Ms.Villa

English

05 September 2022

Death canyon

In the summer of 2009 me and my family took a trip to Arizona to go visit my cousin that

was living over there. While we were there we decided to go to the grand canyon and other

stops along the way. And The first thing we did that day was head to Walmart and buy

ourselves some snacks and water for the drive. It was a fun ride especially with the view of the

forest although the grand canyon is in arizona it was still a good drive from where they were

living, we ended up getting breakfast from mcdonalds and I remember we put a playlist and

made our way over to the canyon. On our way over there I was thinking how nice it would be to

play in the snow and have a snowball fight with my whole family.
 Once we arrived my family decided to explore different locations of the canyon. We

decided to go to an indoor event that was happening there. The event talked about the history

of the grand canyon and how it formed 5 to 6 million years ago. Afterwards we decided to go to

a certain part of the canyon that my cousin was familiar with. He enjoyed throwing rocks at the

edge of the cliff. As a small child I looked up to him alot always following him around and going

places with him all the time. I remember that I wanted to get a closer look at what he was doing

near the cliff. I got too close to the edge where my cousin was throwing rocks and he hit me in

the head which caused me to trip and I almost fell over the edge of the cliff. Everyone rushed to

grab me and my aunt snatched me into her arms. Looking back at it, me and my family make

jokes about it. From now on we always make sure that my little nephews are never in danger

when we go places. Especially when we visit the grand canyon now that I'm older and I know

right from wrong.

From this experience I learned to be more cautious on every trip I go to for example: I check

both sides of the street. I'm always aware of my surroundings, making sure I'm not in danger

anywhere I go all the time, especially amusement parks, outdoor events, and anything that has

warning signs.

– END OF STUDENT ESSAY –

Strengths
• Provides a reasonably clear accident experience.
Areas That Need More Attention
 Refocus the narrative. If the essay is about a supposed accident, the narrative
should describe this in length and rich detail.
 Review the essay from the use of run-on sentences. Some of them are identified
above, but there’s more in different places.
 Address the other grammar issues above.

Cynthia, thank you for sending your essay over. I hope your revisions go well!
Remember writing is a process and the best writers write multiple drafts. Please feel
free to get in touch if you have any questions or visit the Upswing Writing Lab at
upswing.io/writinglab for great writing resources that can help you revise your essay.
Alternatively, you can schedule a session with me or another Upswing writing coach to
discuss my comments.

All the best,

Whillie