THEN UNTRAINED I.T. PROFESSIONALS WILL SHOVE AN ETHERNET CABLE INTO YOUR STAPLER AND CALL IT IT MUST GE LEFT IN AN EASILY STEALABLE CONDITION FOR THREE DAYS UNTIL THE MOVERS} TAKE IT TO THE WRONG CUBICLE. OFFICE RELOCATION YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE YOUR OWN COMPUTER. ‘scattadame@aolcom i i i 3 www.dilbert.comOFFICE RELOCATION T ASKED THE FACIL- ITIES PEOPLE TO CHIP OUT THE PENGUIN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE FOR EXAMPLE, YOUR NEW CUBICLE IS BELOW AN AIR DUCT SO IT IS SOMETIMES COOLER THAN THE AREA AROUND IT. SOME CUBICLES ARE SLIGHTLY LESS DESIR- ABLE THAN OTHERS. Tae © 2003 Geom Adame, Ines iat By UFS, ie Www.dilbert.com _scottadams@aolcomOFFICE RELOCATION YOUR NEW CUBICLE IS LESS ROOMY THAN THE OLD ONE. YOU WILL NEED THIS BUTTER. ) BUT DON'T STAY IN THERE FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES AT A TIME BECAUSE IT ATTRACTS RATS. APPLY IT LIBERALLY TO YOUR TORSO AREA AND YOU CAN SLIDE RIGHT IN. seottadame@aolcom Toa-o © 2005 Soot Adama, ine. Diet By UFS, ie (5) ‘www.dilbert.comAS VP _OF MARKETING, TAM PROUD TO INTRO- DUCE THE NEW VERSION OF OUR PRODUCT. THIS 1S A TESTAMENT WE ASKED CUSTOMERS TO WHAT CAN HAPPEN. WHAT THEY WANTED. WHEN YOU LISTEN TO THE NEW VERSION CUSTOMERS. IT'S THE FIRST TIME OUR CUSTOMERS TVE SEEN IT MYSELF SAID THEY HATE SIX MONTHS AGO I GAVE THAT RAW DATA TO YOU ENGINEERS TODAY WE SEE THE RESULT,NOW WHEN I WANDER THE HALLWAYS LOOKING BUSY I CAN TOTALLY REST MY HAND. IT LOOKS LIKE AN ORDINARY PIECE OF PAPER, BUT T ADDED THIS FINGER HOLDER. WORKING ‘scottadams@solcom T=5-ose2004Sc0tt Adams, Inc/Dist. by UFS, Ine ‘www-dilbert.comTHE EXPENSE CUTTERS AWARD GOES TO WALLY FOR DRASTICALLY LOW- ERING HIS CELL PHONE WALLY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS TO THE GROUP? I LOST MY PHONE LAST MONTH. HEY, THANKS FOR THE HUNDRED eee ‘ecottadame@aolcom ‘o-" ©2004So0tt Adams, ne /Diet By UFS, Ine. ‘www.dilbert.comNICE COMPUTER. Segue DID YOU JUST GO POWER SHOPPING. ‘SHOPPING ALWAYS PUTS ME INA GOOD MOOD. ‘scottadams@aolcom rt.com) 157-94 2004 Soot Adams, ne /Diet by UFS, ne.TED, YOU'RE GOING TO EXPERIENCE AN INVOLUNTARY SEP- ARATION FROM PAYROLL. NO-O0-0-0. IT'S JUST THAT YOU WON'T BE PART OF THE PAYROLL SYSTEM. AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH ANYTHING. IM FIRED. 1-4-2" pa0DsScon Adame, ne Diet by UFE; Ine 'WWW.diIber.COM _scolladamaaolcomWE CAN HARNESS THAT KINETIC ENERGY TO CREATE ELECTRICITY TO POWER THEIR UNUSED COMPUTERS. ) THE SMOKERS IN THIS BUILDING TAKE HUN- DREDS OF TRIPS OUT- SIDE TO SMOKE EVERY DAY. u TOO MUCH i i i é i SLOPE. Tare b2004Se0tt Adams, ne /DIet. By UFS, Ine. ‘www.dilbert.comOUR CEO IS GIVING A SPEECH AT THE CONFERENCE YOU'RE ATTENDING. ASK HIS SECRETARY IF YOU CAN SAVE MONEY BY RIDING TOGETHER ON THE CORPORATE JET. HE DOESN'T WANT TO INHALE ANY- THING YOU'VE EXHALED. ‘scottadame@solcom & 8 8 ¢ ‘rie eusa004Scom Adame, Ine/Diet by UFE; Ine ‘www.dilT DISCOVERED A HOLE IN OUR INTER- NET SECURITY, J 3 H i yl GOOD GRIEF, MANI I DIDN'T PUT IT HOW COULD YOU THERE. I FOUND PUT A HOLE TN OUR (INTERNET? Ni BETTE eel FORGET 17! THERES ) & OLE! IT GOT (7s Your 308 10 | Focaear ove. CNT You 70 uoRK (set SI NEED YOUR APPROVAL TO... ...BE EXHAUSTED, BORED, STIFF, HEAD- ACHEY, ANNOYED AND CONSTIPATED FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS. ren 62004Se0t Adame, Ine /Diet by UFS, ne. ALSO KNOWN AS “BUSINESS TRAVEL | I MUST BE TRAVELING RIGHT NOW!IVE NOTICED THAT ALL OF YOUR ADVICE WOULD PUT ME IN JAIL. AND NEVER, EVER RETURN YOUR SEAT TO ITS UPRIGHT POSITION! STAND UP FOR YOUR, YOU SHOULD SMUGGLE A WEAPON ON THE PLANE. ‘scottadame@solcom WHY MUST YOU BE SO COMPLAINY? RIGHTS! iret eg00sScoT Adame, Inc /Diet by UFS, ne. www.dilbert.comAIRPORT SECURITY PLEASE REMOVE YOUR JACKETS AND SHOES IT IS A FEDERAL CRIME TO MENTION THE MOVIES"ISHTAR ; “GLITTER’ OR GIGLI.” PLEASE REMOVE YOUR EPIDERMAL LAYER AND PUT IT IN A PLASTIC BAG ‘seottadame@eolcom '22004Scon Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, ne E 8 2 3 3 3GAAAI!! TM HAVING OVERHEAD STORAGE ANXIETY! ja 2 WE WERE SCHEDULED TO FLY TO NEW YORK, BUT THANKS TO THE BAG THAT DIDN'T FIT, WE HAVE TO LEAVE YOU IT DOESN'T FIT! EVERY- ONE WILL HATE ME FOR DELAYING THE FLIGHT! g 3 3 & = ©2004Scatt Adama, Ina/DIe by UFS, ne.‘STX-HOUR FLIGHT; IT CAN GET LOTS. SIX-HOUR FLIGHT; OF WORK bane I CAN GET LOTS OF IT CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS!!! ‘Www.dilber.com _scoltadama@actcom tier B2004Scom Adame, Inc/Dlet by UFS, IneI WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO IRON YOUR SOCKS, EXAMINE YOU FOR SUSPICIOUS MOLES OR TAKE A SECOND JOB AND GIVE YOU WELCOME TO THE METROGARDEN HOTEL! HOW MAY I MAKE YOUR STAY INCREDIBLE? ITHINK | _ IM SHAVED AND PREP- PED TO DONATE A KIDNEY. scottadame@eolcom iste e#00¢Scomt Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, Ine ‘www.dilbert. com(aSK THE VENDOR 10 TAKE 20% OFF THE YOU ALREADY SIGNED THE CONTRACT. THE ) PRICE Is SET IN STONE TG Wi TT DOESNT | HURT TO ASK x oy 1 ( DOESNT? Qe | = 90. . ALTHOUGH WE JUST SIGNED THE CONTRACT, WOULD YOU PLEASE LOWER THE PRICE 2027 ] AAHAW oer ATIrE MACHINE, INI! you BUNS =z GAAAII! I FEEL STUPID AND FILLED WITH SELF- LOATHING... FUTILITY TUGS AT MY SOUL GUTS ARE CLENCHED! | di £2 My ASK IF iT HURTS sia | To ASKEVERYONE, THIS IS DILBERT. HE FLEW HALF-WAY AROUND THE WORLD TO GIVE US THIS PRESENTATION. MAYBE I COULD SHOW YOU SOME PROPRIETARY DOCUMENTS WHAT? I THOUGHT T FLEW HERE SO YOU COULD GIVE ME A PRESENTATION. ‘scattadame@zolcom | I'D LIKE THAT. \ a “of 2001Scomt Adame, nc /Diet by UFS, Ine ‘wwiw.dilbert. comEARLIER THAT DAY T LEARNED THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE YOU SHOULDN'T CALL FROM A PLANE WHAT WERE YOUR KEY LEARNINGS: FROM THE TRIP? ‘Www.dilbert.com _scottadame@solcomI TOLD MATTHEW THAT THERE WAS NO WAY WE COULD MAKE THOSE CHANGES. HI, MATTHEWI!...YES, OF COURSE WE CAN MAKE THOSE CHANGES; WE'RE NOT IDIOTS! HA HAI! HE SAYS YOU HAVE NO CREDIBILITY ‘scottadams@eolcom rare eg00sSeon Adame, Inc-/Diet by UFS, Ine. www.dilbert.comGAAAII! WHY’ DO YOU | IF Pence A KEEP RUINING M GOD, CREDIBILITY?!!! 4) KILL Me Nowlll coop cop, JE BAD COP AND THAT'S WHY WE CAN'T PUT ANY MORE RESOURCES ON YOUR PROJECT. SURE WE CAN. www.dilbert.comTHIS STRATEGY HEAVILY DEPENDS ON PEOPLE DRIVING TO OUR WAREHOUSE AND BEGGING FOR OUR PRODUCTS: PROFITS ARE DOWN, SO WE FIRED THE SALES DEPARTMENT TO REDUCE COSTS. SHOULD 1p TRY WRITE READING. A BOOK? ONE FIRST. a ra ‘cottadame@aolcom J "| _e200sScom Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, Ine ‘www.dilbert.comHAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THE CONTRAST BETWEEN MY GREATNESS AND... WU? MY PHILOSOPHY IS. THAT EVERYONE HAS: AN INTRINSIC VALUE THAT IS THE SAME. \ LET'S CALL YOUR PHILOSOPHY “I DIDN'T NOTICE.” § 3 o 5 : (Sven e200¢Scon Adame, Inc/Diet by UFG, Ine www.dilbert.comOUR CEO WILL BE { WHY DOES THE HAPPY TO ANSWER COMPANY PAY YOU ANY QUESTIONS: 40 MILTON DOLLARS A YEAR? TASK BECAUSE ITS, DO You WORK 400 TIMES MORE 28,000 HOURS THAN I MAKE. AND PER WEEK? T WORK 70 HOURS. ‘OR DO YOU HAVE, SOME SORT OF SPECI ABILITY THAT ISN oBvious? GOLDEN EGS. ONE EVERY TEN MINUTES. Taboo (6000 ANSWER.THE NAME SHOULD BE HI-TECH SOUNDING WITH A HINT OF ONOMATOPOEIA THAT SIGNALS YOUR TOTAL LACK OF AWARENESS. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE ~DUHFLUSHTECH, INC.” YOU NEED TO CHANGE THE COMPANY'S NAME TO CREATE THE ILLU- SION OF PROGRESS. ILIKE '2200¢Scott Adame, ne/DIet, by UFS, Ine. www.dilbert.comBUT MY NEGLIGENCE COULD CAUSE THE DEATHS OF A DOZEN CUSTOMERS. THE FIRST DOZEN IS NO ONE. THE STOCK WOULD PLUNGE AND WE'D HAVE MASSIVE LAYOFFS. YOUR CAREER WOULD BE RUINED. WALLY, I DISCOVERED A DEADLY SAFETY FLAW IN OUR PRODUCT. WHO SHOULD I INFORM? scottadame@eolcom ALWAYS THE HARDEST. \ ‘72004Scon Adame, Ine/Diet by UFS, ne ‘www.dilbert.comMY GUTS FEEL LIke YOU HAVE TSWAL- TOTALLY LOWED A SUCKED SQUIRREL. THE FLAVOR ALICE, IF I FAIL TO BLOW THE WHISTLE ON OUR PRODUCT'S SAFETY PROBLEM, I WILL BE LIKE A MURDERER! NO, TECHNICALLY YOU'D BE MORE LIKE A KILLER, YOU WUSS. OUT OF THIS SCONE. ra? rao e200¢Scom Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, Ine 'WWW.dIIber.com _ scottadame@aolcomSN IF YOU REFUSE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR PRODUCT'S SAFETY FLAW, TWILL BE FORCED TO CONTACT OUR CEO! HUNDREDS WILL DIE... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... WHATEVER. FORWARD THE MESSAGE TO THAT POINTY-HAIRED GUY. THIS E-MAIL WILL MAKE HIM DROP EVERY- THING AND CALL ME. ‘scattadame@aolcom com So] ea00%Scott Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, Ine ‘www.dilDOGBERT DOES P.R. YOU KNEW YOUR PRODUCT WAS DEADLY BUT YOU DID NOTHING UNTIL YOU THE GOAL OF PUBLIC RELATIONS IS TO TAINT THE JURY POOL. WELL SHOW THAT THE VICTIMS HAD IT MAYBE WE SHOULD DISCUSS THE MORAL IMPLICATIONS OF THAT STRATEGY. ‘scottadame@aolcom Li were sued. COMING. D=-e1 @2004ScoH| Adame, Ine/DIGt by UFE; Ine www.dilbert.comAND T THINK I CAN YOU CAN GET GET HER TO BRITNEY GROW HAIR P| ON HER aon BACK, TOO? FOR AN EXTRA FEET “ CAN DO SOME P.R. THAT THE PR PLAN WORK AIMED AT THE INFINITE FABRIC OF RHARMAS NOUTEAD THE UNIVERSE TO INNOCULATE YOU. TH ea004 Scott Adams, ne /DIat by UFS, IneT KEEP CLICKING ON THIS LINK AND NOTHING HAPPEN: orient.) o— COME TN | HERE THE DEFINITION OF WHAT We HAVE HERE INSANETY 15, DOING (wert) ¥8 A BAD PRECEDENT. ) THe SAME THING AND | Workeo | on EXPECTING A DIFFERENT] Hits TIME! See RESULT, ME “CRAZY.YOUR PROJECT IS MY TOP PRIORITY. TELL ME EVERYTHING T HAVEN'T STARTED TALKING THAT I NEED TO NET. scattadame@nolcom cao ez00sSco Adame, Ine/Diet by UFS, Ine www.dilbert.comI COULD CRITICIZE SOMEONE...NAH. I COULD HAVE A MEETING. ..NAH I'M REORGANIZING THE DEPARTMENT! ITS BEEN A FEW HOURS SINCE I'VE DONE ANYTHING MANAGERISH. EXCUSE ME WHILE I BEAT MYSELF WITH ‘scottadame@eolcom MY KEYBOARD. £ 3 z & g ‘www.dilbert.comOUR NEW CHIP IS SLOWER THAN OUR COMPETITIONS PRODUCTS ‘www.dilbert.com _ scottadams@aotcom WELL CLAIM WE'RE THE FASTEST. IF ANY- ONE DOES BENCHMARK TESTS, WE'LL SAY THEY USED OLD DRIVERS. ‘roy 820045c0H Adame, ne/Dlat by UFG, Ine WHENEVER I TALK TO YOU, I FEEL LIKE T SHOULD BE WEARING A WIRE. SINCE WHEN i IS MARKETING A CRIME? y =DOGBERT CONSULTS NEVER LISTEN TO YOUR CUSTOMERS. THEY WERE DUMB ENOUGH TO BUY YOUR PRODUCT, SO THEY HAVE NO CREDIBILITY. THAT REMINDS ME: THANKS FOR BUYING MY SERVICES. DON'T TALK. SHHHH scottadame@eolcom =e" 8200¢Scom Adame, Ine/Diet by UFS, Ine www.dilbert.comDOGBERT CONSULTS FOR YOUR NEW LOGO, I USED COMPUTER GRAPHICS TO CREATE A COMPOSITE FACE THAT LOOKS TOTALLY INCOMPETENT. ‘wows STOP TRYING TO BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE. FOCUS ON EITHER THE INCOMPETENCE OR THE YOUR COMPANY HAS BECOME SYNONYMOUS. WITH INCOMPETENCE AND CRIME. jww.dilbert.com —_scottadams@aol com set 92006Scott Adame, Ine/Diet by UFS, ne.I LIKE TO START EACH DAY BY SENDING THREATENING E-MAIL TO THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS. ALICE, I WANT YOU TO TRAIN NED TO DO EVERYTHING YOU DO. DONT WORRY THAT IT WILL MAKE YOU REDUNDANT AND MORE EASILY DOWN- SIZEABLE. ‘scottadame@aolcom Taney e200¢Sco Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, Ine www.dilbert.comDILBERT, MEET YOUR, NEW COWORKER , BUFF BUFFERMAN TELL DILBERT WHAT YOU DO FOR FUN I LIKE TO GO ROCK CLIMBING DURING. BLIZZARDS = San Fest tame Pe EYE AT THE TOP, 1 WAIT FOR A PAIR OF EAGLES TO FLY BY. THEN T LEAP OFF AND GRAB THEM BY THE LEGS. THE EAGLES SLOW MY DESCENT TO THE RAGING RIVER BELOW T TRY TO LAND ON A FLOATING LOG AND SURF THE WHITE WATER ALL THE WAY T USE A KEY- BOARD. ISNT THAT DANGEROUS?, —— SOMETIMES, I TYPE ALL HUNCHED OVER.I DISCOVERED A TYPO IN THE MARKET FORE- CAST THAT IS DRIVING OUR COMPANY STRATEGY. WORSE YET, I CALLED MR. WONG AND HE SAID HE WAS JOKING. WHERE IT SAYS, “EVERY- ONE WOULD WANT ONE,” IT SHOULD HAVE SAID, “AVERY WONG WOULD WANT ONE.” GAVE HIM FREE DELIVERY? | WHAT IF WE ‘WWw.dilbert.com _scoltadame@solcom 12 _pp00sScon Adame, ne-/Diet by UFS, ine.TODAY I LEARNED TO AVOID THE WORDS “STALK” AND "AAAGH* IN MY POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONS. IT USES GPS NAVI- GATION TO STALK ITS OWNER AND DEMAND. THAT HE REST HIS I FINISHED THE PROTO- TYPE FOR THE WIRELESS HASSOCK-BUDDY. seo e2004Sc0tt Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, Ine. 'WWw.dilbert.com _scottadama@eclcomOUR PLAN IS TO MAKE THE SALES PEOPLE WORK IN TEAMS AND TAKE TURNS WEARING ELECTROSHOCK PANTS. WE HAVEN'T SOLD A SINGLE UNIT OF OUR NEW WIRELESS HASSOCK PRODUCT. NOW CLOSE THE DEAL, CLIFFY, OR IT’S PAY- BACK TIME. g | g bert.com maven e20045c0Tt Adame, ne-/Diet. by UFS, ne.I'M A WRITER FOR “MORONS ON PARADE * MAGAZINE. DO YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS? ‘Www.dilbert.com _scottadams@eclcom OKAY...BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO NOT MAKE ME LOOK BAD. spo S200sSc0T Adame, nc Diet by UFS, Ine. COVER STORY!!! REALLY?I HOPE THEY DIDN'T MISQUOTE ME SO I'D LOOK LIKE A MORON. WRITERS DO THAT SOMETIMES. PHEW!! ALL THE QUOTES ARE ACCURATE . YOU MADE THE COVER OF “MORONS ON PARADE.” ~ieow og00sScoN Adams, ne /Diet By UFS, ne. ‘WWW.dilbert.com _scottadams@solcomIT WOULD BE MAS- SIVELY PROFITABLE WHILE VIRTUALLY UNDETECTABLE. DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT SELLING OUR CONFIDENTIAL DATA- BASE OF CUSTOMER INFORMATION? I'M YANKING YOUR CHAIN. WHEN DO WE START? ‘scottadams@volcom BUT HIGHLY UNETHICAL. =e 00sScon Adame, ne-/Dist by UFS, Ine www.dilbertcomNOW DILBERT WILL EXPLAIN WHAT WENT. WRONG WITH OUR PROJECTS THIS YEAR. ‘A PERMANENT LINE FORMED OUTSIDE HER CUBICLE ‘ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS: WERE CAUSED BY A WOMAN NAMED LISA. THE ENGINEERS BROUGHT HER FOOD, GIFTS AND POEMS THAT WERENT AS. FUNNY AS THEYD HOPED. (LISA NEVER LEARNED. HOW TO ACT ALOOF AND UNAPPROACH- ABLE. SOMETIMES SHE SMILES AT MEN SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW. T. RECOMMEND REPLAC- ING LISA WITH SOME- ONE MORE LIKE THIS EHS eat Ades Bat WE ToaTbatcom AS YOU KNOW, 90% OF ENGINEERS ARE LONELY MEN. WHAT'S THAT. ‘SUPPOSED TO MEAN? ARENT. FUNNY?DOGBERT CONSULTS YOU ONLY GET PAID IF YOU SAY IT INA FUNNY WAY? DOES THAT MEAN THE SAME THING AS “SELL THINGS THAT PEOPLE WANT” ? TO SURVIVE, YOU MUST CREATE DISRUPTIVE INNOVATIONS THAT REDEFINE THE I LIKE TO THINK 1m OISRUP- ‘seottadame@aolcom | THERE'S ONE wer |200¢Scom Adams, Inc/Diet By UFS, Ine ‘www.dilbert.comDOGBERT CONSULTS BEST OF ALL,ONCE A YEAR THEYLL LET YOU LOSERS TOUR THEIR WORK SPACE AND SIT IN THEIR BEAN BAG IT WILL BE A GLORIOUS PLACE : FULLY FUNDED, AMAZING AMBIANCE , BRILLIANT PEOPLE, FREE FROM BUREAUCRACY! I RECOMMEND FORM- ING A SEPARATE GROUP TO PURSUE DISRUPTIVE SNES CHAIRS. zrre4 p2uosScoT Adame, Inc./Dlet by UFS, Ine. 'WWW.dilbercom _ scoltedamsaotcomIT’S GOT A DVD,HD, DVR, FM, SATELLITE DISH , MP3, WIDESCREEN IT'S FUN TO INVITE PEOPLE OVER SO THEY CAN SHOW ME HOW TO TURN IT ON. MY NEW HOME THEATER IS AMAZING. TV, SEVEN SPEAKERS AND A UNIVERSAL REMOTE. ‘scattadame@aolcom S=¥e" pz00sSCOm Adame, Ine/Diek by UFG, Ine www.dilbert.comGOOD, GOOD...NOW GET READY TO SNAP IT FORWARD WELCOME TO DOGBERTS SCHOOL FOR WORTHLESS SYCOPHANTS. OUR FIRST LESSON IS "HEAD NODDING FOR BEGINNERS.” : & ‘scattadame@aolcom r.com avoypa00sScom Adame, Inc/ Diet by UFS, IneSYCOPHANT SCHOOL STATEMENT ONE: I SHOULD BE PAID 400 TIMES MORE THAN YOU BECAUSE I HAVE TO LOOK AT soe FACES. FOR PRACTICE, TLL MAKE STATEMENTS AND YOU AGREE. REMEMBER YOU MUST LEARN TO AGREE WITH YOUR SUPERIORS NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY. TO USE YOUR FAKE SMILES. scottadame@aolcom s-ao-o4 8200¢5c0tt Adams, Inc/Diet By UFS, Ine ‘www.dilbert.comHIRE AN AGGRESSIVE REPLACEMENT FOR TED WHO WILL SHARE HIS RESOURCES AND MAKE HIS JOB UNBEARABLE. I HATE TED. HOW CAN T MAKE HIM QUIT? ‘scottadams@aolcom '920046eot Adame, Ine /Diet by UFS; Ine ‘www.dilbert.comT HEARD THAT YOU GOT APPROVAL TO HIRE A NEW SENTOR ENGINEER AS AN INTERN, T HAVE PERFORMED ALL THE FUNCTIONS OF A SENTOR| ENGINEER FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS. T AM NOW READY FOR PROMOTION T PLAN TO HIRE SOMEONE FROM OUT- SIDE THE COMPANY MUST...CONTROL TINY. FISTS OF INTERN’ FURY, HAVE APPROVAL TO FILL THE SENTOR ENGINEER POSITION BUT THERE'S A BAN ON HIRING NEW INTERNS. 90 IF I PROMOTE YOU MY EMPIRE. .. OOPS. MENT WON'T GROW. GAAAl!! MY DESPALR HAS TURNED INTO NII A SEARING PSYCHO- THAT REMINDS ME; I NEED YOU TO. TRAIN THE NEW GUY,I KNOW IT WORKS BECAUSE THEY PAID ME TO DO IT TO You. TLL PESTER THEM WITH AN ENDLESS SERIES OF CHARITY REQUESTS, EMPLOYEE BIRTHDAY PARTIES AND BLOOD DRIVES I CAN MAKE YOUR COMPETITORS TIRED AND UNFOCUSED 3-29-04 02004Sc0n Adams, ne /DIet by UFS, ne. ‘www.dilbert.comACCORDING TO THIS REPORT, OUR EMPLOY- EES ARE AFRAID TO TAKE RISKS WE CAN TRAIN THEM TO TAKE RISKS BY WE DID IT STOPPED THAT TO ALL THE RAISE COMPLAIN- MORALE. ING, DIDN'T GIVING THEM STRETCH GOALS AND PUNISHING THEM FOR FAILING! ‘scottadame@aolcom | Zeer 20045c0H Adame, Inc/ Dist by UFS, Ine www.dilbert.com,EVERY TIME OUR POINTY-HAIRED BOSS LEAVES HIS OFFICE, T SNEAK IN AND SEAL AN AIR HOLE. seottadame@solcom ‘www.dilbert.com I'M TRYING TO SEE IF HELL SUFFOCATE WHEN HE CLOSES HIS. DOOR. 2001Seon Adams, Ine /OIet by UFS, ne ‘www.dilbert.comIM THEN T NOUR ALSO NEED OKAY, BUT LEAVE YOUR WALLET, KEYS, COMPANY 1.D. AND ONE SHOE WITH ME. MAY I BORROW YOUR CHAIR FOR A MEETING? COTE YOUR PDA FINANCTAL OFFICER BD ONE ‘scottadame@aolcom scyret o200sScor Adame, ne /Diet by UFS, ne. ‘www.dilbert.comOUR ACCOUNTING SYSTEM IS SO IN- ACCURATE THAT WE DON'T KNOW HOW PROFITABLE ANY- THING IS. ‘www.dilbert.com IT's SO BAD THAT YOU COULD MANAGE RANDOMLY AND CLAIM SUCCESS NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. = o2004SeoH Adama, Ine/DIsh by UFS; Ine. I WAS LOOKING FOR FUNDING, NOT A HUGSO...FIRST I'LL FIND OUT THAT THE PASS- WORD HAS CHANGED. THEN I'LL FIND OUT THAT THE LIST IS OUT OF DATE. WHAT AM I HMM. ..YOU ALWAYS SAY INFORMATION IS ON THE NET WHEN I KNOW ITS NOT. YET, BY MENTIONING A PASS- WORD, IT SOUNDS WALLY, DO YOU HAVE THE APPROVED VENDOR LIST? ITS ON THE NET. THE ‘scottadame@aolcom FORGETTING? anne Is PLAUSIBLE ‘nro-04 o2004Sc0H Adame, Inc /DIet by UFS, ne. ‘www.dilbert.com(suniii No s1De { conversations MULTIPLIED BY THE BASE SALARY A SPICE YOUR PAY WILL THEN T SAID, BE CALCULATED TEAL ISNT le 2 ie A | ———— Lets Test) WOwll THAT WORKED THAT THEORY. OUT BETTER THAN a 7 CANT HELP TT. TM NO sie Pecearr rs | Uno Neves To TALK CONVERSATIONS!!! | |) oe .e oF Fee ce NM Yer cane) | || RY Heeb endl BeOS GaNDID YOU SEE A BRIGHT LIGHT BE- FORE THE DOCTORS: REVIVED YOU? THE ASSOCIATION OF DOUGHNUT MAKERS. ASKED ME TO PROVE THAT SKINNY PEOPLE CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN. IM STARTING A COMPANY THAT SPECIALIZES IN DOING TAINTED RESEARCH. ‘scottadame@aolcom revo" 82004Scom Adams, Inc/Diet by UFS, Ine ‘www.dilbert.comTHIS IS THE DOGBERT RESEARCH COMPANY. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KILLED BY A POORLY DESIGNED PRODUCT? ...NO? FOR AN EXTRA $50,000, I CAN CALL A SECOND PERSON. I DON'T WANT TO JINX IT MY TAINTED RESEARCH SHOWS THAT YOUR PRODUCTS HAVENT KILLED ANYONE. scottadam=@aolcom 2004 S008 Adams, Ine/DISL by UFS; Ine. www.dilbert.comSOMEONE PUSHED A POINTY-HAIRED MAN IN FRONT OF LARRY DAVID’S HYBRID CAR WE NEED TO GET YOU ON TV TO PUBLICIZE THE TAINTED RESEARCH I DID. THE MEDIA LIKE CELEBRITIES, BLOOD, ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES AND HUMOR. ‘cottadame@aolcom snow oZ0045co Adame, ne / Diet By UFS, Ine www.dilbert.comHAVE YOU MADE YOUR MOTHER PROUD BY BECOMING A MANAGER? YOU COULD CALL THE SHOW “COOKING WITH TOO MUCH SALT- HOW DID You \ GET THIS WAY? HAVE YOU MADE YOUR SON PROUD BY HOST- ING A COOKING SHOW ON TELEVISION? ae-ot oa00sGcoT Adame, nc/DIet By UFS, ne. ‘WwWw.dilbert.com _ scoltadams@aolcomI TRIED TO CORNER YOU IN THE HALLWAY, BUT YOU FILLED ALL THE AIR. SPACE WITH STORIES ABOUT YOUR SINUSES: AND SCAMPERED AWAY. THE STATUS OF MY PROJECT IS THAT YOU IGNORED FIVE OF MY E-MAILS AND SEVEN OF MY VOICEMAILS. SPEAKING ID LIKE OF WHICH, TO HEAR HOO- BOY! THOSE STORIES. bert.com _scottadame@aolcom ‘cre-e4 o@004Sc0n Adams, nc /Diet By UFS, In.THE VISIONARY LEADERSHIP WORK IS DONE. HOW LONG WILL YOUR PART OUR PLAN IS TO INVENT SOME SORT OF DOOHICKEY THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO BUY. SALES ARE DROPPING LIKE A ROCK. ‘scottadams@aolcom “cron pa00sScoT Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, ne. ‘www.dilbert.comI'M GOING INTO THE EXTREME MAKE- OVER BUSINESS. I'M PLANNING TO TAKE IT TO THE YOU'D Look NEXT LEVEL 6000 WITH ANTLERS. AND THE NOSE HAS. 70 co YOUR TINY EARS TLL ALSO REARRANGE ARE OUT OF PROPOR- YOUR FAT SO YOU TION CANT SEE IT. GUESS HOW TLL TOSS IN OLD T AMI A FEW EXTRAS, | ARTER youre | UNCONSCIOUSTHINGS ARE MOVING TOO FAST! I'VE LOST A GOOD REAL CONTROL OF THE ESTATE AGENT PROCESS! DOESNT KNOW PACK YOUR NIN: ene Me STUFF, WAFFLER ESCROW CLOSES IN TEN MAYBE I SHOULD SELL THIS HOUSE AND GET A NEWER ONE TLL BE THE REAL ESTATE AGENT. www.dilberi.com _ scottadams@aolcom i 5 5 3 :EVERY SPRING, RABID SQUIRRELS RIP OFF HUGE CHUNKS OF THE ROOF TO LOOK FOR FOOD ) SEASONAL THE ORY BRUSH BEHIND THE HOUSE IS A FIRE HAZARD. DOGBERT THE REAL ESTATE AGENT WHEN IT RAINS, THE SEWER BACKS UP AND COVERS THE DRIVEWAY. POTENTIAL. FIRE...PLACE SKYLIGHT soar 34 B0DsScon Adame, nc-/Diet by UFS, Ine. Wwww.dilber.com _ scoltadams@rolcomTHIS SAYS THAT IF I INSIST ON OVERPRIC- ING MY HOUSE THEN MY AGENT CAN RUN OVER ME WITH AN SUV AND... ..-SELL MY CLOTHES TO A SCARECROW MANUFACTURER THE REAL ESTATE AGENT INITIAL EVERY PAGE OF THIS STEAMING MOUND OF DOCUMENTS. ITS RARELY \ ENFORCED. ‘Facer 2004 Seat Adame, Ine./DIet by UPS ne Www.dilbert.com scoltadame@aolcomIT’S COVERED WITH ENDANGERED FROGS, AND IT’S NEXT TOA BANSHEE FARM. THE ACCESS ROAD ISA NARROW PATH ACROSS A BOILING CESSPOOL [| OF TORMENTED SOULS. THE REAL ESTATE AGENT THE FIRST PROPERTY COSTS #10 MILLION. ‘scottadame@aolcom ‘raw og00sSc0n Adams, Inc-/Diet by UFS, ne. www.dilbert.comAND TLL AND EVERY TIME IT APPRECIATES ANOTHER MILLION DOLLARS YOU WILL CRY OUT, “WHY WAS I SO STUPID?! WHY?! WHY?! ARE YOU REALLY NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW ME MORE THAN THE REAL ESTATE AGENT IF YOU DONT BUY THE HOUSE I SHOWED YOU, SOMEONE ELSE WILL ecottadame® ONE HOUSE? ‘9-04 920045007 Adame, ne /DIet By UFS, ne. www.dilbert.comIT FEELS UNMANLY TO HIRE MOVERS. T SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THIS WITH A FEW. FRIENDS AND A PICKUP TRUCK. I CAN ON THOSE DONT LITTLE LEGS? I LIKE FEEL- ING WEAK. -2004Scom Adams, Ine Oat by UFS, ne www.dilbert.comEXACTLY. I DIDN'T. SELL ONE CD. EVERY- ONE DOWNLOADED IT. ( Your Last 30B WAS HeY.T RECOGNIZE YOU! )| | WHEN T SAY “BOUGHT, INTERNATIONAL T-BOUSHT YOUR NeW T MEAN DOWNLOADED (PoP stan? col ie S| q 4 f 4 | MY BUSINESS 700 MANY [ puaneo | |{ 1 SousnT MANAGER coun |) MUSTCTANS day Sonear || || YOUR New Stove every-|f |] PERFORM || Not ENOUGH || |] MUSIC FoR || FOR ear col Live. || VENUES THE LOVE :WHY DOES THE NEW ENGINEER GET PAID MORE THAN I DO? T_HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE! LOOK AT THIS SMILE! LOOK! V7 UNLIKE YOU, HE DOESN'T HAVE A HOW DO YOU JUSTIFY BAD ATTITUDE. THAT??! lie scottacame@eolcom my Eves!!! “ease paOUsSCOm Adame, ne/ Diet By UFS, Ine www.dilbert.comHERE ARE ALL THE SUGGESTIONS FROM THE SUGGESTION BOX. scottadame@aolcom "wwiw.dilbert.com GIVE US MORE MONEY. GIVE US MORE MONEY. GIVE US MORE MONEY. GIVE US MORE MONEY. HEY, HERE'S ONE WITH A LITTLE DIAGRAM. “car on e200sScom Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, Ine THE WAVY LINES MEAN IT’S HOT THERE. Is THAT. WHY THE POINTY- HAIRED GUY ISHAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW THE FLUORESCENT LIGHT GLISTENS OFF OF WALLY’S HEAD? IF WE CAN GET OUR EMPLOYEES TO MARRY CATBERT THE EVIL DIRECTOR OF H MARRIED EMPLOYEES. COST US MORE BECAUSE SPOUSES GET EACH OTHER, WELL SAVE MONEY. i i BENEFITS. ‘ovo @20085c0m Adame, Inc/Diet by UFS, Ine ‘www.dilbertcomLAST WEEK I BOUGHT EVERY PILL THAT WAS OFFERED AND TOOK LET ME TELL YOU, THERE ARE A FEW PILLS YOU DON’T WANT TO MIX WITH THE GINKGO BILOBA. I’m ADDICTED TO SPAM. I CaaS Lory THEM AT THE SAME : E “as-o%( 92004 Soatt Adame, Ine/ Diet. by UFS, In. www.dilbert.com.I RECOMMEND THAT WE ELIMINATE THE LEAST POPULAR FEA- I SUGGEST THAT WE ELIMINATE THE LEAST POPULAR FEATURES. I HAVE AN IDEA. LET'S ELIMINATE THE LEAST POPULAR FEATURES TO SAVE TURES BECAUSE THEY COST US MORE THAN THEY GENERATE IN REVENUE. ‘scottadame@solcom I STEAL THAT IDEA TO INFINITY. ‘Seno4 82004 Scomt Adame, ne/Diet by UFS, Ine www.dilbert.comYOU CAN ROB YOUR SMALL SUPPLIERS BY MAKING UNAUTHOR- IZED DEDUCTIONS FROM THEIR INVOICES. ‘scottadame@aolcom www.dilbert.com: WHEN THEY COMPLAIN, SAY IT'S A STANDARD INDUSTRY PRACTICE AND THREATEN TO TAKE YOUR BUSINESS ELSE- WHERE! g] THEN MAKE THEM DANCE LIKE CHICKENS! HA HAI! CHICKENS ARE FUNNY!DOGBERT EXPLAINS STOCK INVESTING " -reg004Seon Adame, In-/Diet by UFS, ne. WWW.dIIDert.cOM _ scottedems@solcomEFFORT IS NO LONGER REWARDED. IT’S ALL ABOUT RESULTS, WHICH MEANS MOSTLY LUCK IT’S KINDA FUNNY; THE ONLY REASON I WAS UNDER BUDGET IS THAT MY PROJECT WAS. DELAYED. I GOT A HEFTY BONUS FOR BEING WAY UNDER BUDGET. ) “-aro~ 520045000 Adame, Ine-/Dist by UFS, Ine. 'WWW.dilber.com _scottadams@solcomTHERE'S A LITTLE THING CALLED THE WIND-CHILL FACTOR. HELLO-O-0-OlI! TM LATE BECAUSE MY CAR WOULDN'T START IN THE COLD. THAT WAS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. seottadame@aolcom | SOMEDAY T IT'S WARM GOTTA GET “Tyeey 020045207 Adams, ne /Diet by UFS, ne. ‘www.dilbert.comTHIS IS DOGBERT'S TECH SUPPORT. YOUR PROBLEM IS CAUSED BY ANOTHER COMPANY'S PRODUCT OR SERVICES. SHOULDNT I TELL YOU MY PROBLEM BEFORE YOU DETERMINE THE OKAY, LET'S PRETEND THAT WILL CHANGE MY ANSWER 162004 Seat Adame, Ino/Dist by UFS; Ine. www.dilbert.com