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Boundaries 5/14/01 12:37 PM Page 60

60 Boundaries

letting my family down?” Jim paused, struggling for composure.

“All my life it’s been this way, Alice. I’ve always feared letting
people down. I hate this part of me. I hate my life. How did I
get like this?”
How did Jim “get like this”? He loved his family. The last
thing he wanted was to neglect his most precious relationships:
his wife and children. Jim’s problems didn’t start the day he was
married. They developed during his early significant relation-
ships. They were already a part of his character structure.
How do boundary abilities develop? That’s the purpose of
this chapter. We hope you’ll be able to gain some understand-
ing of where your own boundaries started crumbling or became
set in concrete—and how to repair them.
As you read this section, remember David’s prayer to God
about his life and development:
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know
my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in
me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Ps. 139:23–24)
God’s desire is for you to know where your injuries and
deficits are, whether self-induced or other-induced. Ask him to
shed light on the significant relationships and forces that have
contributed to your own boundary struggles. The past is your
ally in repairing your present and ensuring a better future.

Boundary Development
Remember the old saying, “Insanity is genetic. You inherit
it from your kids”? Well, boundaries aren’t inherited. They are
built. To be the truth-telling, responsible, free, and loving
people God wants us to be we need to learn limits from child-
hood on. Boundary development is an ongoing process, yet its
most crucial stages are in our very early years, where our char-
acter is formed.
The Scriptures advise parents to “train a child in the way he
should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Prov.
22:6). Many parents misunderstand this passage. They think