C ON TE NT S

T h t Infid el H alf C entu ry

T h e D awn of D arwi n i s m
T h e A dv e nt of th e N eo D a rwinian s
-

P o l i ti c al I nad equacy o f th e H uman A n

imal
C owa rdic e of th e I rreli g iou s
I s t h ere any H o p e in E ducation ?
H om eo p at h ic E ducation xi i i
T h e D iabolical E ffici e ncy of T e c h nical Education xv
Fl l m s m es s of C ivilization xvii
C reative E volution
V olun ta ry L on g evity
T h e E a rly E volutioni s t s
T he A dv ent of th e N eo—L ama r ck ia n s

H o vs A cqui rem ent s a1 e Inh erit ed

r

T he M i racl e of C ond en s e d R eca p itulation

H e redity an O ld S to ry xxxi
D i s c o v e1 y A ntici p at e d by D ivi n
ation x xx n

C o rrect e d D at es f o r th e D i s cov ery of E volution xxxiv

D efyin g th e L i g h tnin g : a F ru s t rat ed E x
p er i me n t
In Qu es t of th e P ii s t Cau se
P al ey 8 W atch
’

T h e I rr es i stibl e Cry of O rde1 O rd e r !

,

T h e M om ent and th e M an
T h e B rin k of th e B ottoml e s s P it
W h y D a rwin C onv er t ed th e C r owd
H o w W e R u s h ed Do wn a S t eep P lac e
D a rwini s m n o t Finally R efutabl e
v i B ac k to hi h
e thu s el a

T h ree B lind M ic e
T h e G re at es t of T h es e 1 8 S elf C ontr ol
-

A S am p l e of L am ar c k o S h avian I nv e ctiv e .

T h e H umanita r ian s and th e P robl em of E v i l .

H o w O n e T ouc h of D a r win M a k es th e Wh ol e
W o rld Kin lxiv
W hy D a rwin P l e a sed t h e S ocia li s t s lxv
D a rwin and K a rl M a rx lxviii
W hy D a rwin Pl e a s e d th e P r o fi teer s al os lxix
T h e P o e t ry and P u r ity of M at er iali s m lxxi ’

T h e V ic eroy s of t h e K in g of K in g s lxxiii
P olitical Op p o r tuni s m in E xc el si s lxxv
T h e B et rayal of W es t e r n C ivilization . lxxvii
C i rc um s tan c i al S el ection in F inanc e lxxix
T h e H om eo p at h ic R e action a g ain s t D a rwin s m lxxx
i

R eli g ion and R omanc e lxxxiii

T h e D an g er of R e action lxxxv
A T ouc h s ton e f o r D o g ma lxxxvi
Wh at to do with th e L eg nd s e lxxxviii
A L es s on f r om S ci e nc e to th e C h u r c h es lxxxix
T h e R eli g iou s A r t of th e T w enti e t h C entu ry xc
T h e A rti s t Pro ph et s
-
xcii
E v ol utl o n in th e T h eat re xciv
El y O wn P a r t l n th e M att er xcviii
 P R E FA C E
T HE I N F I D E L H AL F CE N T U RY

T h e D awn of D ar win i s m
ON E day early in the ei gh t een h und red and s ixti es I , ,

bein g t h en a s mall b o y was with my nu rs e buyin g

, ,

s om e t h in i t h e sh 0 of a tty n w a nt boo k s ell er

g n
p p e e s g e , ,

and s tation er in C amd en S t reet D ublin wh en th ere , ,

e nt e re d an eld erly man ,w ei gh ty and s ol emn wh o ad ,

v an c ed to t h e count e r and s aid om ou ly “H av you

, p p s e ,

t h e wo rk s of th e c el eb rat ed B ufi o on P ”'

M y o wn wo rk s w ere at th at tim e unw ri tt en o r it i s ,

p o ss ibl e t h a t th e s h 0
p a s s i s tant mi h t h av e m i s un d er
g
s tood m e s o f ar a s t o
p roduc e a co p y of M an and
S u p erman . A s it was s h e k n ew quit e w ell wh at h e
,

want ed ; f o r t hi s was be fo re t h e E ducation A ct o f 1 87 0

h ad p r oduc ed S h e p a s s i s tant s wh o k now h o w to read and
k now not h in g el s e T h e c el eb r at e d B ufi o o n was not a
'

h umo ri s t but t h e famous nat ur ali s t B u tt on

, E v ery .

lit erat e chi ld at t h at t im e k n ew B ufi o n s N atu r al Hi s

'
’

to ry as w ell as E s o p s Fabl es A nd no livin g chi ld h ad

’
.

h e a rd th e nam e t h at h as s inc e oblit er at ed B ufi o n s i n th e

'
’

o ula con s ciou s n es s : th e nam e of D a rwin

p p r .

T en y e a rs ela p s ed . T h e c el eb r at ed B uff oon was f o r

g ott en ; I h ad doubl ed my y ea rs and my l en g th ; and I

h ad di s ca rd ed t h e reli g ion of my fo refa th ers O n e day .

th e ric h es t and co n s equ ently mo s t do g matic of my uncl es

cam e into a r es taur ant wh ere I was dinin g and found ,

h im s elf much a g ain s t h i s will in conv ers ation wit h th e

, ,

mo s t qu es tionabl e of h is n ep h ews B y way of mak in g .

viii B ac k to M et hu s elah
my self a g reeabl e I s p ok e of m od ern t h ou g h t and
,
“
D a rwin H e s aid O h t h at s th e fellow wh o want s to
.
, ,
”
ma k e out t h at we all h ave tail s li k e mon k ey s I t ri ed .

to explain t h at wh at D a rwin h ad in s i s t ed on in t h i s con

'

n ec ti o n was t h at s om e mon k e y s h av e n o tail s B ut my .

uncl e was as im perviou s to wh at D ar wm r e all y s aid as

any N eo D a rwinian nowadays He di ed im p enit ent and
-
.
,

did n ot m ention m e in h i s will .

T w enty y e a rs ela p s e d If my uncl e h ad b een aliv e h e

.
,

would hav e k nown all ab out D a rwin and k nown it all ,

w ron g In sp it e of th e eff o r t s of G rant A ll en to s et hi m

.

r i g h t h e would h av e ac c ep t ed D a rwi n as th e di s cov erer

,

of t h e E volution o r H eredity and of modification of

, ,

s eci e s by S el e ction F o r t he r e D a rw inian a e h ad

p p g
-
.

com e t o b e r eg a rd ed as a D a rk A g e i n wh ic h men s till

b eli eved that th e boo k of Gen e s i s was a s tanda rd s ci entific
t reati s e a n d t h at th e only addition s to it w er e G alil eo s
’
,

d emon s t ration of L e ona rdo da V inci s s im pl e r ema rk ’

t h at t h e ea rt h i s a m oon of th e s un N ewton s t h eo ry of
,
’

g ravitation S i,r H um p h ry D avy s inv ention

’
of t h e

s afety lam p t h e d i s cov ery of el e ct r icity t h e a p lication

p
-

, ,

of s t eam t o indus trial p u rp o s es and th e p enny p o s t I t

, .

was j u s t t h e s ame in ot h er s ubj e ct s T h u s N i e tz s c h e by

.
,

t h e two o r t h ree wh o h ad com e ac ro s s h i s w r itin g s w as ,

s u pp o se d to h av e b een th e fi rs t man to wh o m it occu rred

that m ere m o rality and l eg ality and u rbanity l ead

nowh ere as if B unyan h ad n ev er writt en B adman
, .

S ch ope nh au er was c redit ed with inv entin g t h e di s tinction

b etw een th e Co venant of Grac e and th e C ov enant of
W o rk s wh ich t roubl ed C romw ell on h i s d eath b ed P eo pl e .

tal k ed as if th ere h ad been no d r amatic o r d es c ri p tiv e

mu sic be fo re W a g n er ; n o im p res s ioni st p aint in g b efo re
W h i s tl er ; wh il s t as to my s elf I was findin g t h at th e
,

s u res t way t o p roduc e an eff e ct o f darin g innovation and

o ri g inality was to reviv e th e anci ent att raction of lon g

 B ack to lVI e thu s el ah ix
to rical s p ee ch es ; to s tick clo s ely to t h e m et h od s of
rh e

M oli ere ; and to lift ch a ract ers bodily out of th e p ag es

of C h a rl es D ick en s .

T he A dv en t of th e N eo D ar win ian s
-

T hi s p a rticula r s o rt of i g n o ranc e do es not alway s o r

often matter B ut in D a rwin s ca s e it did matt er If
.
’
.

D a rwin h ad really l ed th e wo rld at o n e bound fro m t h e

boo k of G en es i s to H eredity , to M odification of S p eci es
by S el e ction , and to E volution , h e would h av e b een a
P h il oso p h er and a p ro ph e t as w ell as an emin ent p ro
f es s i o n al n atu r ali s t , with g eolo g y as a h obby T he
.

d elu s ion t hat h e h ad actually ach i ev ed t h i s feat did n o

h a rm at fi rs t , becau s e if p eo pl e s vi ews are s ound , abou t
’

evolution o r any th in el s e, i t do es not ma k e two s t r aw s

g
di ff erenc e wh et h er t h ey call th e rev e al er of t h ei r vi ew s
T o m o r D ic k .B ut lat er on s uch a p p a rently n eg li g ibl e
er ro rs h av e aw k wa r d con sequ enc es D a rwin was g iv en
.

an imp o s in g rep utation as no t only an E volutioni s t , b ut

as t h e E volutioni s t , wi th th e imm en s e maJori ty wh o n ev er

r e ad h i s boo k s .T h e f ew wh o n ev er r e ad any oth ers

w ere l ed by t h em t o conc ent rat e exclu s iv ely on C i r cum
st an t i al S el ection as t h e e x lanation of all t h e t r an s
p
fo rma tion s and ada p tation s wh ich w ere th e evid enc e f o r
E volution A nd t h ey p res ently found th em s elv es s o cut
.

o ff by t h i s s ecialization fr om t h e maj o rity wh o k n ew

p
D a rwin only by h i s s p u riou s rep utation , t h at t h ey w ere
obli g ed to di stin g ui sh them s elv es , not as D a rwinian s , but
as N eo D a r winian s
-

B efo re t en mo re y e a rs h ad ela p s ed , th e N eo D ar - ~

wi n i an s w ere p r actically runnin g cu rren t S ci e nc e It .

was 1 9 0 6 I was fifty ; I h ad p ubli sh ed my own vi ew of

e volution m a lay call e d M an and S u p er man ; and I
p
found t h at mo s t p eo pl e w ere unabl e to und ers tand h ow
x B ac k to M et hu s elah
I could b e an E volutionis t and not a N eo D a rwinian or -

why I h abitually d er id ed N eo D a rwini s m as a g h a s tly

-

idiocy and would fall on i ts p rof es s o rs s lau g ht er ously i n

,

p ublic di s cu s s ions. It w a s in th e h o e of ma k in
p g m e

cl ea r th e matt er up t h at t h e F abian S oci ety wh ich was ,

t h en o rg anizin g a s eri es of l ectu res on P ro ph et s of th e

N in et eent h C entu ry a sk e d m e t o d eliv er a l ec tu re on th e
,

ro h et D a rwin I did s o ; and s c ra s of t h at l e ctu re

p p .
p ,

wh ic h was n ever p ubli sh ed va ri eg at e th es e p a g es

, .

P oliti c al I n ad equ ac y of im al
th e H um an An
T en mo re y e a rs e la ps ed N eo D a rwini s m in p olitic s
.
-

h ad p r oduc e d a E u r o p ean cata s t r o p h e of a m a g nitud e

s o a pp allin g , and a s cop e s o unp re dictable th at as I ,

w rit e t h es e lin es in 1 92 0 it i s s till f ar fro m c ertain

,

wh eth er o ur civilization will s u rviv e it T h e ci r cu m .

s tanc es of th i s cata s t r o ph e th e boyi sh cin ema f ed

,
-

r o m an ti msm w h ic h m ad e it p o s s ibl e to im p o s e it on th e

e o p l e as a c ru s ad e and es p ecially th e i no ranc e and

g
p ,

err o rs of th e victo rs of W es t er n E u r o p e wh e n i t s viol en t

p h a se h ad p a s s ed and t h e tim e f or r e con s t ruction

d o ubt wh ich h ad g rown s t e adily in

p ublic wo rk as a

S ociali s t : nam ely M , W W h e

C o wardic e of th e I rr eli g iou s

A not her ob s erv ation I h ad mad e was th at g o od
natu re d unambit iou s m en are cowa rd s wh en th ey h av e no
reli g ion .T h ey are dominat ed and ex ploit ed not only
by g reedy and oft en h alf witt ed and h alf alive w ea k
- -

lin g s wh o will do anyt h in g f o r ci g a rs ch am p a g n e moto r

, ,
 B ack to M ethus elah xi
ca rs and the mo re c hil di sh and s elfi s h u ses of mon ey but
, ,

by abl e and s ound adm i ni s t rato rs wh o can do noth in g

e l s e wit h t h em th an dominat e and ex loit t h em
p G ov e1 n .

m ent and exp loitation b ecom e s ynonymou s und er s u ch

ci rcum s tanc es ; and t h e wo rld i s fin al l y rul e d by th e
ch ildi sh t h e b ri g and s a nd t h e black g ua rd s T h o se wh o
, , .

refu s e to s tand in with t h em ar e ers e cut ed and occa

p
s i o n al l
y ex ecut e d wh en t h ey
g iv e any t roubl e to t h e

ex loit er s T h ey fall into ov er ty w h en t h y lac k

p .
p e

luc r ativ e s p e cifi c tal ent s A t th e p res ent mom ent o n e

.

h alf of E u r op e h avin g k noc k ed th e oth er h alf down i s

, ,

t ryin g to k ick it t o d eath and may s ucc eed : a p ro ,

c edure w h ic h i s lo g ical ly s ound N eo D a rwini s m A nd

, ,
-

t h e g ood natu red maj o r ity ar e loo k in g on in h el pl e s s

-

h o rro r o r allo win g t h em s elv e s t o b e p ers uad ed by t h e

,

n ew sp ap ers of th ei r ex p loit er s t h at t h e k ic k in g i s not

only a s ound commercial inv es tm ent but an act of divin e ,

j u stic e of w hi ch t h ey are th e a rd ent in s t rum ent s .

B ut if M an i s re ally inca p abl e of o rg anizin g a b i g

civilization and cannot o rg aniz e ev en a villa g e o r a t ri b e
,

any t o o w el l wh at i s th e u s e of g ivin g h i m a reli g ion ?

,

A r eli g ion may mak e h i m h un g er and t hi rs t f o r ri g h t

eo u s n e s s ; but w ill i t endow h i m wi th t h e p ractical
c a acity to s ati s fy t h at a p p etit e ?
p G ood int ention s do

not ca rry wit h t h em a g rain o f p olitical s ci enc e wh ich ,

i s a v ery c om p licat ed o n e T h e mo s t d evot ed and ind e

.

fati g abl e th e mo s t abl e and di s int e res t ed s tud en ts of th i s

,

s ci enc e in E n g land a s f ar as I k now

, are my f ri nd s ,
e

S idn ey and B e at ric e W ebb It h as tak en t h em fo rty

.

y ea rs of p relimina ry wo rk in t h e cou r s e of wh ich t h ey

,

h av e p ubli sh ed s ev er al t r e ati s es comp a r abl e to A d am

S mit h s W eal th o f N at i o n s }t o fo rmulat e a p olitical con
’

s t ruction ad equat e to e xi s tin g n ee d s If th i s i s th e

.

m ea s u re of wh at can b e don e in a lifetim e by extrao rd i

na ry ability k een natu ral a pt itud e exc eptional opp o r
, ,
xii B ack to M ethu s elah
and freedom from th e p reoccup ation s of b read
t un i ti es ,
vcinnin w h at ar e we to ex e ct f r o m t h e a liam nt man
g , p p r e

to wh om p olitical s ci enc e i s as remot e and di s ta s t eful as

th e di ff erential calculu s and to w h om s uc h an el em enta ry
,

but vital p oint as th e law of economic rent i s a p om

as i n o ru m n ev e r to b e a p p r oach ed much l es s c r o s s ed ?
, Or
f rom th e common vot er wh o i s mo s tly s o h a rd at wo rk all
day ea rnin g a livin g th at h e cannot k eep awak e f o r fi v e
minut es ov er a b oo k ?

Is T h er e A ny H op e i n E du catio n ?

T h e u s ual an s w er i s t h at we mu s t e ducat e o u r ma s t ers

t h at i s ou rs elv es
, . W e m u s t t eac h citiz en sh i p and
p olitical s ci enc e at s c h ool B ut mu. s t w e ? T h ere i s no

mu s t about it th e h a r d fact b ein g t h at we mu s t n o t

,

t each p olitical s ci enc e o r citiz en s h ip at s ch ool T he .

s c h oolma s t er wh o att em t ed it would s oon find h im self

p
e nnil es s in th e s t r e et s wit h out u il s if not in th e dock
p p p ,

p l e adin
g to a p om p ou s ly wo r d ed indictm ent f o r s edition

a g ain s t th e ex p loit ers O ur s ch oo l s t ach th e mo r ality

. e

of feudali s m co rrup t ed by comm erciali s m and h old up ,

th e milita ry conqu ero r th e robb er b a ron

, and th e
,

r o fi t eer as mod el s of t h e illu s t riou s and th e s ucc es s ful

p , .

In vain do th e p r op h et s wh o s ee t h rou g h t h i s imp o s tu re

re a ch and t e ac h a b ett er o s el : t h e individual s w h om
p g p
t h ey conv er t are doom ed to p as s away in a f ew y ea rs ;
and th e n ew g en erati o n s are d r a g g e d back in t he s ch ool s
to th e mo r ality of th e fift eent h c entu ry and t hin k t h em ,

s elv es L ib e r al wh en t h ey are d e fendin g t h e id e a s of

H en r y VII and g entl emanly wh en t h ey are o pp o s in g to

,

t h em t h e ide a s of R i ch a r d II I T hu s th e educat ed man

.

i s a g re at er nui s anc e th an th e un educat e d o n e : ind eed

it i s th e in effici ency and sh a m of th e edu c ational s id e of
o u r s c h ool s ( to wh ic h exc e t und e r com p ul s ion c h ild ren
, p ,
 B ack to M ethus elah xiii
would not be s ent by th ei r p a rent s at all if they did not
act as p ri s on s in w h ic h th e immatu re are k ep t from
wo rryin g th e matu re ) th at s av e u s fr om b ein g da s h ed
on th e roc k s of fal se doct rin e in s t ead of d riftin g down
t h e mid s t re am of m er e i g no r anc e T h ere i s no way out
.

t h rou g h th e s ch oolma s t er .

H o m eop at h ic E ducatio n
In t ruth m an k ind cannot b e s av ed fr om with out by
, ,

s ch oolma s t ers o r any ot he r s o r t of ma s t er s : it can only

be lam ed and en s lav ed by t h e m It i s s aid t h at if you

.

wa s h a cat it will n ever a g ain wa sh it s elf T h i s may o r .

may not be t ru e : what i s c ertain i s t h at if you t each a

man anyt h in g h e will n ev er l ea r n it ; and if you cu re h i m
o f a di s e a s e h e will b e unabl e to cu re h im s elf th e n ext
tim e it attack s h i m T h ere fo re if you want to s ee a cat
.
,

cl ean you t h row a buck et of mud ov er it w h en it will

, ,

imm ediat ely ta k e ext rao r dina ry p ain s to lick t h e mud

o ff
, and finally b e cl ean er t h an it was b efo re In th e .

s am e way docto r s wh o are u to dat

p
-

e ( y
sa
-

0 0 0 0 5 p er.

c ent of all the reg i s t ered p ra ctition ers and $20 p er c ent,

of th e un reg i s t ered on es ) wh en t h ey want to ri d you of

,

a di s ea s e o r a s ymp tom inoculat e you with t h at di s ea s e

,

o r g iv e you a d ru t h at r oduc es t h at s ym tom in o rd er

g p p ,

to p rovo k e yo u to r es i s t it as th e mud p rovok es th e cat

to wa sh it s elf .

N ow an acut e p ers on will at onc e ask why if th i s b e s o , ,

o ur fal s e e ducation do es n o t p r ovo k e o u r s ch ola r s to find

out th e t ruth T he an s w er i s p ar tly t h at i t do es

. .

V oltai re was a p up il of th e J es uit s ; S amu el B utl er was

t h e p u p il of a h o p el es s ly conv entional and er ron eou s
count ry p a r s on B ut th en V oltai re was V oltai re and
. ,

B utl er was B utl er : th at i s t h ei r mind s w ere s o ah

,

no rmally s t ron g that t h ey could th ro w o ff th e do se s of

p oi s on t h at
p a r aly s e o r dina r y mind s W h en t h e d o cto rs
.
xiv B ack to M eth us elah
ino culate you and th e h om eop ath i s t s do s e you t h ey g ive ,

you an i nfi n i tes i m al l y at tenuat ed do s e I f t h ey g av e you

.

th e vi ru s a t full s t ren g t h it would ov ercom e you r r es i s t

anc e and p roduc e i ts di re ct eff ect T h e do s es of fal s e
.

doct rin e g ive n at p ublic s ch ool s and u nivers iti es are s o

bi g t h at t h ey ov erwh elm t h e r e s i s tan c e th at a tiny do s e
would p ro v o k e T h e no rmal stud ent i s co rru p t e d b eyond
.

r ed em tion and will d riv e th e eniu s wh o res i s t s out of

p , g
t h e count ry if h e can B y ron and S h ell ey h ad to fly to
.

Italy w h il s t C a s tl er ea g h and E ldo n ru l ed th e r oo s t at

,

h om e . R ou s s eau was h unt ed fro m f ronti er to f r onti er ;

K a rl M a rx sta rv ed in exil e in a S oh o lod g in g ; R u sk in s ’

a rticl es w ere re fu s e d by th e ma g azin e s ( h e was too rich

to be ot h erwi s e p er s ecut ed ) ; w h il s t mindl es s fo rg ott en
non entiti es g ov er n e d th e land ; s ent m en to th e p ri s on o r
th e g allow s f o r bla s p h emy and s edition ( m eanin g th e
t rut h about Ch u r ch and S tat e ) ; and s edulou s ly s to r ed
up th e s ocial di s e a s e and co rr u p tion w h ich ex p lod e fro m
tim e to tim e in g i g antic boil s t h at h av e to b e lanc ed by
a million bayon et s T h i s i s th e result of allo p ath ic e du
.

cation . H om eo p ath ic educatio n h as not yet b een

o fficially t ri ed and would obviou s ly b e a d elicat e m att er
,

if it w e re A body of s ch oolma s t ers incitin g th ei r p u p il s

.

to infinit es imal p eccadillo es wit h th e obj ect of p rovo k in g

t h em to exclaim G “ et t h ee b eh ind m e S atan
,
”
o r t ellin
, g
,

t h em wh it e li es about h i s to ry f o r th e s a k e of b ein g con

t r adi c ted in s ult e d and refut ed would c ertainly d o l es s
, , ,

h a rm t h an o u r p resent educational allo p at h s do ; b u t

th en nob o dy will advocat e h om eop ath i c education A llo .

p at h y h as p r oduc e d t h e p oi s onou s illu s ion t h at it

e nli g h t en s in s t e ad of da rk e nin g T h e s u g g es tion m ay
.
,

h ow ev er e x p lain wh y w h il s t mo s t p eo pl e s mind s s uc
’
, ,

c u mb to inculcation and envi ronm ent a f ew r e act vi g o r

,

o u s l y : h on e s t and d ec ent p e o p l e comin g f r om t h i evi s h

s lum s and s c e tic s and r e ali s t s f rom count ry p ar s ona

, p g es .
 B ack to M et hus elah

T h e D iabo lical E ffi ci en c y of T echn i c al

E d u cation
B ut m anw i
e h l e—
and h e r e com es th e h or ro r of i t— o u r
t ec h m c al in st ruction i s h on es t and effi ci ent T h e p ubl ic
.

s ch oolboy wh o i s ca refully blind ed du e d and co rru t e d

p , p ,

as to th e natu re of a s oci e ty ba s ed on p ro fi teeri n and

g ,

i s tau g h t to h ono r p a ris i t i c idl en es s and luxu ry l e a rn s ,

to sh oot and rid e and k eep fit with all t he a s s i s tanc e and

g uidanc e tha t can b e
p r ocu re d f o r hi m by t h e mo s t

anxiou sly s inc ere d es i re th at h e m ay do th es e t h i n g s

well and if p o s s ibl e s up erlativ ely w ell In th e a rmy h e
, .

l e a rn s to fl y ; to d rop bomb s ; to u s e m ach in e g u ns to th e -

utmo s t of h i s ca p acity T h e di s cov ery of h i g h ex

.

p lo s iv es i s r ewa rd ed and di
g i fi ed : in s t r uction in th e
n

manufactu re o f the w ea p on s b attl esh i p s s ubma rin es

, , ,

and land batt eri es by wh ich t hey are a p p li ed d es t ru o

t i v el y i s quit e g enuin e : t h e in s t ruc to rs k now t h ei r
,

bu sin es s and really m ean t he l ea rn ers to s ucc eed T h e

,
.

re s ult i s t h at p ow er s of d est r uction th at could h a rdly

with out un ea s in es s b e ent ru s t ed to infinit e wi s dom and

infinit e b en evol enc e are p lac ed in t h e h and s of r omantic
s c h oolboy p at rio t s wh o h ow ev e r g en erou s by nat u re are
, ,

by education i g no ramu s es du p es s nob s and sp o rt s m en

, , ,

to wh om fi g htin g i s a reli g ion and k illin g an accomp li sh

m ent ; wh il s t p olitical p ower u s el es s und er s uc h ci rcum
,

s tanc es exc e t to milita ri s t i rn eri al i s t s in ch ronic t err o r

’

p p
-

of inva s ion and s ubj u g ation p om p ou s tufth untin g fool s

, ,

com m ercial adv entu rers to wh om th e o rg anization by th e

nat ion of i ts own indu s t rial s ervic es would m ean ch eck
mat e financial p a ra s it es on th e m on ey ma rk et and
, ,

m erely s tu p id con s ervato rs of ev eryth in g th at exi s t s

m erely b ecau s e t h ey are u s ed to it i s obtain ed by ,

h eredity by s im pl e p u r ch a s e by k eep in g n ewsp a p ers

, ,

and pret endin g t h at th ey are o rg an s of p ublic o p inion ,

 vi B ack to M eth u s elah
by th e wil es of s eductiv e wom en and by p ro s titutin g
,

ambitiou s tal ent to th e s ervic e of t h e p ro fi teers wh o call ,

th e tun e b ec au s e h avin g s e cu red all th e sp a re p lund er

, ,

t h ey alon e can a ffo rd t o p ay th e p ip er N eit h er th e

.

r ul er s n o r th e r ul e d und ers tand h i h oliti c T h y do

g p s . e

not ev en k now th at t h ere i s s uch a b ran ch of k nowl ed g e

as p olitical s ci en c e ; but betw e en t h em t h ey c an co er c e

and en s lav e with th e d eadli es t effi ci ency ev en to th e ,

wi p in g out of c ivilization b ec au s e t h ei r education as

,

Slay ers h as b een h on es tly and t h o rou g hl y ca rri ed out .

E s s entially t h e rul ers are all d efe ctiv es ; and t h ere i s

noth in g wo rs e t h an g overnm ent by d efe ctiv es wh o wi eld
i rres i s tibl e p owers of ph y s ical co ercion T h e common
.

p lac e s ound eo l e s ubmit

p p , and co m pe l th e r es t to s ub

mit b ecau s e t h ey hav e b een t au g ht to do s o as an a r ticl e

,

of reli g ion and a p oint of h ono r T h o s e in wh om

.

natu r al enli gh t enm ent h as react ed a g ain s t a r tificial

education s ubmit b e cau s e t h ey are com ell ed ; but t h ey
p
would r es i s t and finally res i s t eff ectiv ely if t h ey w ere
, ,

not cowa rd s A nd t hey are cowa rd s b ec au s e th ey h av e

.

n eit h er an o fficially acc redit ed and es tabli sh ed reli g i o n

no r a en e rally r e c o niz e d o int of h ono r an d are al l at
g g p ,

s ix es and s ev en s wit h t h ei r va riou s r ivat e sp eculation s

p ,

s endin t h ei r c h ild re n er fo rc e to th e s c h ool s w he re t h ey

g p
will b e co rru p t ed f o r Want of any oth er s ch ool s T he .

rul e rs ar e equa lly i n timida t ed by t h e imm en s e e xt en s ion

and c h ea pe nin g of th e m ean s of s lau gh t er and dest ru c

tion T he B riti s h G ov ernm ent i s mo re afraid of I reland
.

now th at s ubmarin es bomb s and p o i s on g as are ch ea p

, ,

and ea s ily mad e than it was o f th e G erman E m p i re

b efo re th e war ; c o n s equ ently th e old B riti sh caution
wh ich m ai n t ai n eed a balanc e of p ow er t hrou gh command
of t h e s ea i s int en s ifi ed into a t err o r th at s ees s e cu rity in
not h in g sh o r t of ab s olut e milita ry m a st ery of t h e enti re
g lob e : t h at i s in an im p os s ibility t h at will y et s eem p o s
,
 B ac k to M ethus el ah xv n

sibl e in d etail to s oldi ers an d to pa ro ch ial and in s ula r

p at riotic civi l ians .

Flim s in ess o f C ivili z ation

T h is s ituation h as occu rr e d s o oft en b e fo re alway s ,

wi th the s am e r esult of a colla p s e of civilization ( P ro

f es s o r Fli nd er s P e t ri e h as l et out th e s ec r et of p reviou s
colla p se s ) t h at th e rich are in s tinctiv ely c ryin g L et “
,

us e at and d rin k ; f o r tomo rr ow we d i e and th e p oo r

”
,
“H o w lon 0 L o rd h o w lon ?” B ut th e itil es s re ly
,

g , , g p p
still i s th at G od h el s t h o s e wh o h el t h em s elv e s T h i
p p s .

do es not m ean t hat if not find th e rem edy no

rem edy will b e found ow er t h at oduc ed M an
.
p p r

when th e m o n k ey was to th e ma rk can p roduc e a ,

h i g h er cr e atu re t h an M an if M an doe s n o t com e u p to

m s no com p ellin g
re s ee

H e i s by no m ean s an
id e al c reatu re A t h i s p res en t b es t many of hi s way s
.

are s o un p l ea s ant t h a t t h ey a re unm entionabl e in p olit e

s o c i ety
,
and s o p ainful tha t h e i s comp ell ed to p ret end
t h at p ain i s oft en a g o od N atu re ho ld s no b ri e f f o r
.

th e h uman ex p eri m ent : it mus t s tand o r fall by i ts

res ult s. If M an will not s erv e N atu re will t ry anoth er
, \

ex e rime nt
p .

Wh at h ope i s t here t h en of h uman i mp rov em ent ?

A cco rdi ng to th e N eo D a rwini s t s to t h e M ec h ani s t s no
-

, ,

h o p e w hat ev er b e c au s e im p r ov em ent can com e only

,

thr ou gh som e s en s el es s accid ent wh i ch mu s t o n the ,

s tati s tical av er a g e of a cc id en ts b e p res ently wi p e d out

,

by s om e oth er equally s en sel ess accident .

C r eativ e E vol u ti on
B ut th i s di s mal c reed do es not di s cou r a g e th o s e wh o
beli ev e t h at t h e im p ul se t h at p ro duc es evo lution i s
xviii B ack to M ethus elah
c re a tiv e T h ey h av e ob serv ed t h e s im p l e fac t th at t h e
.

will to do anyth in g can and d oes at a c ertain p itch of

,

int en sity s et up by conviction of i ts n e c es s ity c re at e and ,

o rg aniz e n ew ti ssu e to do it with T o t h em th erefo re

.

m an k ind i s by no m ean s p lay ed out yet If th e w ei g h t

.

lift er under th e t rivial s ti mulu s of an athl etic comp e

,
“ ”
titi o n can p ut up a mu s cl e it s eem s r ea s onabl e to
, ,

b eli ev e t h at an equally e a rn es t and co nvinc ed ph ilo s oph er

“
co uld p u t up a b r ain .
”
B oth are di re ction s of vitality
t o a c ert ain en d . E volution sh ow s u s t hi s direction of
vi tality doin g all s o rt s of t h in g s : p rovidin g th e c enti
e d e wit h a h undre d l e s and riddin t h e fi s h of any
p g , g
l eg s at all ; bu i ldin g lun g s and a rm s f o r t h e land and
g ill s and fi n s f o r th e s ea ; e nablin
g t h e m ammal to

es tat e i t s youn in s id e i t s b ody and t h fowl to i u

g g , e n c

bat e h ers out s id e it ; o fferin g u s we m ay s ay o u r c h oic e

, ,

of any s o r t of b odily cont rivanc e to maintain o ur

activity and inc rea s e o ur r es ou rc es .

V ol un tary L on g evity
A mon g o th er matt ers app a rently ch an g eabl e at will
i s th e du ration of individual life Wei smann a v ery
.
,

cl ever and s u g g es tive biolo g i s t wh o was unh ap p ily re

d u c ed to idi o cy by N eo D arw1 n 1 s m p oint e d out t h at
-

d e ath i s not an et ernal condition o f life but an ex ,

edi en t i nt r oduc ed to r ovid e f o r continual r en ewal

p p
with out ov er c rowdin g N ow C i r cum s tant ial S el ection
.

do es n ot ac c ount f o r natu r al d eath : it account s on ly f o r

t h e s u r vival of s p eci es i n wh ic h th e individual s h av e
s en s e enou h to d e cay and di e on p u r p o s e
g B ut t h e .

individuals do not s eem to h av e calculat ed v ery rea s on

ably : nobody can e xp lain wh y a p a r rot sh ould live t en
tim es as lon g as a do g and a tu r tl e b e almo s t immo rtal
, .

I n th e ca s e of ma n th e o p er ation h as ov er h o t i ts ma rk
,
s

men do not liv e lon g e nou gh : t h ey are f o r all th e p ur ,

 T h e E arly E vol utioni s t s
T h e ide a of E volution , o r T r an s fo rmati o n as i t i s now
s o m e t i me s call ed , was not fi r s t conc eiv e d by C h a rl es

D a rwin , o r by A lfred R u s sel W allac e , wh o ob s erv ed t h e

op eration of C i rcum s tantial S el ection s imultan e ou sly
with C h a rl es T h e c el eb rat e d B u ffoon w as a be tt er
.

E volutioni s t t h an eit h er of t h em ; and two t h ou s and

y ea rs b efo re B u ff on was bo rn , t h e G reek ph ilo s oph er
E m p edocl es o p in e d t h at all fo rm s of life are t ran s
fo rmation s o f fou r el em ent s , Fi re, A i r, E a rth , and
Wat er, eff ect ed by the two innat e fo rc es o f att raction
and rep ul s ion , o r lov e an d h at e A s lat ely as 1 86 0 I
.

my s elf was tau g h t as a ch ild th at ev e ryth in g was mad e

out of th es e fou r el em ents B oth th e E mp edocl e an s and
.

th e E volutioni s t s w ere o p p o s ed to t h o se wh o b eli ev ed in

th e s ep a r at e c reation of all fo rm s of life as d es c rib ed in
th e bo ok o f G en es i s .
“
T h i s co nflict b e tw een reli g ion and
s ci enc e , as th e p h r a s e w ent t h en , did no t p erp l ex my
infant mind in th e l ea st : I k n ew p erfect ly w ell , wi th out
knowin g t h at I k n ew it , t hat th e validity o f a s to ry i s
n o t t h e s am e as th e oc cu rrenc e of a fact .B ut as I g rew
up I found t h at I h ad t o ch o os e b etw een E volution and
G en es i s If you b eli ev ed th at do g s and cat s and s nak es
.

and bi rd s an d b eetl es and oy s t ers and wh al es and men

and w o m en w ere al l s ep arat ely d es i g n ed an d made and
nam ed in E d e n g a rd en at th e be g innin g of t h in g s , and
h av e s inc e s u rviv ed s im ply by rep r oducin g t h ei r k ind ,
th en you w ere not an E volutionis t If you b eli ev ed , on
.

th e c o nt ra r y , t h at all th e di ff erent s p eci es are m o d i fi

cation s va ria tion s and elabo r ation s of o n e p rimal s tock
, , ,

o r e v en of a f ew p ri m al s tock s t h en you w ere an E vo

,

l uti o n i s t B ut you w ere n o t n ec ess a rily a D a rwinian ; f o r

.

you mi gh t h av e been a mo d ern E volutioni s t tw enty y ea rs

b efo re Ch a rl es D a r win was b orn and a wh ol e lifetim e
,

be fo re h e p ubli sh ed h i s O ri gi n o f S pec i es Fo r t h at mat

.

ter wh en Aris t o tl e g ro u pe d ani mal s wi th b ackbo n es as

,
 B ack to M et hu s elah xxi
blood relations h e beg an t h e s o rt of c la s s i fi cation
,

wh ich wh en ext end ed by D a rwin to mon k ey s and m en

, ,

s o s h oc k ed my uncl e .

Gen es i s h ad h eld th e fi eld until t h e tim e ( 1 7 07—1 77 8 )

M m s m m nB t In th e m e antim e t h e
.

m i c ro s co p e h ad been inv ent ed It r ev eal ed a n ew w o rld of

.

h ith er to invi s ibl e c r e atu res call ed Infu s o rian s as com ,

mo n wat er wa s found t o b e an infu s ion of t h em In th e

.

e i h t ee nt h c entu ry natu r ali s t s w e re v ery k een on t h e

g
Infu s o rian A m oeb a s and w ere much s truck by th e way
,

in wh i ch th e m emb ers of t h i s old family b eh av ed and

d ev el op ed B ut it was s till p o s s i bl e f o r L inn aeu s to b eg in
“
.

a t reati s e by s ayin g T h ere are j u s t s o many s p e ci es as

”
t here were fo rm s c reat ed in t h e b eg innin g th ou gh ,

th ere w e re h und red s of comm on p lac e S cotc h g a rden ers ,

p gi e on fanci er s and s toc k b reed er s t h en livin

, g wh o k n ew

b etter L inn aeu s h im s elf k n ew b ett er be fo re h e di ed In

. .

th e la s t e dition of h i s S ys t em o f N atu re h e b eg an to
,

wond er wh e t h er t h e t r an s mutation of s p eci es by va ria

tion mi g h t not be p o s sibl e T h en cam e th e g reat p o e t
.

wh o j um p e d ov er th e fact s to th e conclu s ion .G o eth e

s aid t h at all th e s ha es of c reation w e re cou s in s ; t h at
p
t h ere mu s t b e s om e common s tock from wh ich all th e
s ec i es h ad s ru n t h at it w a s t h e e nvi r onm ent of ai r
p p g ;
t h at h ad p r oduc ed th e ea g l e of wat er t h e s e al and of
, ,

e a r th t h e mol e . H e could not s ay h o w t h i s h a pp en ed ;

but h e divin ed th at it did h a p p en E ra smu s D a rw in th e
.
,

a dfat h er of C h a rl es ca r r i e d t h e e nvi r onm e nt t h e o ry

g r n ,

much fu rth er p ointin g out in s tanc e aft er in s tanc e of

,

mod ifi c ation s mad e in s pe ci es a p p a rently to ada p t it to

ci r cum s tanc es and envi r onm ent : f o r in s tanc e th at t h e
,

b rilliant colou rs of th e l eo p a rd wh ich mak e it s o con

,

s i cu o us
p in R e ent s
g P
’
a rk co
, n c eal it in a t r o p ical

j un g l e. F inally h e wr ot e as h i s d e cla r ation of faith

, ,

“T h e wo rld h as b een evolv ed not c re at ed : it h as a ri s en

,
xxii B ack to M eth u s elah
littl e by littl e from a s mall b eg innin g and h as 1 n c reas ed ,

th rou g h th e acti v ity of th e el em ental fo r c es embodi ed in

it self and s o h as ra th er g r own th an com e into b ein g at
,

an almi g h ty wo r d Wh at a s ublim e id ea of t h e infinit e

.

mi g h t of th e g re at A rc h it e ct th e C au s e of all cau s es , ,

th e Fat h er of all fath ers th e E n s E n t i u m ! F o r if we

,

would c o mp are th e Infi nit e it would s u rely requi re a ,

g re at er Infinit e t o cau s e th e c au s es of e ff e ct s t h an to

roduc e th e e ff e ct s t h em selv e s In t i ubli s h e d in

”
p h s
p .
,

t h e y ea r 1 79 4 you h av e n in et eenth c entu r y E volution

,
-

p r e ci s ely d efin ed A nd E r a s mu s D a r win w as by no

m ean s i ts only a p o s tl e It was in th e ai r t h en A G
.

. er .

m an biolo g i s t nam ed T rev i r an u s w h o s e boo k was p ub ,

l i sh ed i n 1 802 wr ot e “ I n every livin g b ein g t h ere exi s t s

, ,

a cap acity f o r endl es s div ers ity of fo rm E ac h p o s s es s es .

t h e p ow e r of adap tin g i ts o rg anization t o t h e va riation s

of th e ext ern al wo rld ; an d it i s th i s p ower call ed into ,

activity by co smi c ch an g es wh ich h as e nabl ed t h e s impl e,

zooph yt es o f th e p rimitiv e wo rld to climb to h i gh er and

h i g h er s ta g es of o rg ani z ation and has b r ou g h t endl ess ,
”
var i ety into n atu re T h ere you h av e you r evolution of
.

M an from th e amoeb a all comp l et e w h il s t N el s on was s till

aliv e on t h e s ea s A nd in 1 809 b efo re th e battl e of
.
,

Wat erloo a French s oldi er nam ed L amar ck wh o h ad

, ,

b eat en h i s mus k et into a mic ro s co p e and tu r n ed

z o ol o i s t
,
d ecla re d t h at sp e ci es w ere an ill us ion p r oduc ed
by th e sh o r tn es s of o ur individua l lives and th at th ey ,

w ere con stantly ch an g in g and m eltin g into o n e anoth er

and i nto n ew fo rm s as s u rely as t h e h and of a clock i s
continually movin g t h ou g h it mov e s s o s l o wly th at it
,

l oo k s s tationa r y to u s W e h av e sinc e c o m e to t h ink

.

th at i ts indu s t ry i s l es s continuou s th at th e clock s to p s

f o r a lon g tim e and th en i s s udd enly p u t on by a
“ ”
,

my s t e riou s fin g er B ut n ev er mind t h at j u s t at
.

res ent
p .
 B ac k to M et hu s elah xxiii

T h e A dv en t of th e N eo L am arckian s
-

I call you r sp ecial att ention to L ama r ck b ecau s e lat er ,

on th er e w ere N eo L ama r c k ian s a s w ell as N eo D ar

- -

wi n i an s I was a N eo L ama rck ian L a ma rc k pass ed

.
-

on fr om the conc eption of E volution as a g en eral law t o

C h a rl es D a rwin s d ep a rtm ent of it whi ch was th e
’
,

m eth od of E volution L ama r ck wh il s t ma k in g many

.
,

in g eniou s s u g g es tion s as t o th e reaction of ext ern al

cau s es on life and h abit s uch as ch an g es of climat e food
, ,

s u p ly eolo ical u h e aval s a n d s o fo rth ally h ld

p g, g p re e ,

as hi s fundam ental p ro p o s ition th at livin o ani sm s

g rg
ch an g ed b ecau s e t h ey want ed t o A s h e s tat ed it th e .
,

re at facto r in E volution i s u s e and di s u s e If you h av

g e .

no ey es and want t o s ee an d k eep t ryin g to s ee you will

, , ,

finally g et ey es If li k e a mol e o r subt err an ean fi sh

.
, ,

you h av e ey es and dont want to s ee you will lo s e you r ,

ey es. If you li k e e atin g t h e t end er t 0 p s of t rees enou gh

to mak e you conc ent rat e all you r en erg i es on th e s t retch
i n g of you r n ec k you will finally g et a lon g n ec k li k e
, ,

th e g i ra ff e T h i s s eem s ab s u rd t o incon s ider at e p eo pl e

.

at th e fi rs t blu s h ; but it i s with in th e p ers onal exp eri

e nc e of all of u s t h at it i s j u s t by th i s oc ess t h at a
p r

c h ild tumblin g about th e floo r be com es a boy walk in g

ere ct ; and t h at a man s r awlin on t h e r oad with a
p g .

brui s ed ch in o r su p in e on th e i c e with a ba sh ed o ccip ut

, ,

b ecome s a bicycli s t and a s k at er T h e p r oc ess i s not .

continuou s as it would b e if m ere p r actic e h ad anyth in g

,

to do with it ; f o r th ou gh you may im p rove at each

bicyclin g l es s on d uri n g th e l es s on wh en you b eg in your ,

n ext l es s on you do n o t beg in at th e p oint at wh ich you

l eft o ff : you relap s e ap p a rently to th e be g innin g .

Finally you s ucc eed quit e s udde nly and do not rela p se
, ,

a g ain M o re mi r aculou s s till you at onc e ex erci se th e

.
,

n ew
p ow e r uncon s ciou s ly A lt h ou g h you a.re ada p tin g
 B a ck to M ethu s elah
your front wh eel to you r balanc e s o elabo rat ely and
activ ely th at t he acciden t al loc k in g of you r h andl e ba rs
f o r a s econd will t h r ow you o ff t h ou g h fi v e minut es
befo re you could not do it at all y et now you do it as ,

U ncon s ciou s ly as you g r ow you r fin g er nail s You h ave .

a n ew faculty and mu s t h av e c re at ed s om e n ew bodily

,

ti s su e as i t s o rg an A nd you h av e don e it s ol ely by

.

willin g Fo r h ere t h ere can b e no qu es tion o f C i rcu m

.

s t an ti al S el e ction o r th e s u rvival of th e fitt es t

, T he .

man wh o i s l ea rnin g h o w to r id e a bicycl e h as n o adv an

ta g e ov er t h e non cycli s t in th e s t r u g g l e f o r exi s t enc e
-

q uit e th e cont ra ry H e h as acqui red a n ew h abit

. an ,

automa tic uncon s ciou s h abit s ol ely b e cau s e h e want ed

,

to and k ep t t ryin g until it was add e d into hi m

, .

H o w A c qu ir em en t s are I nh erit ed
B ut wh en you r s o n t ri es to s k at e o r bicycl e in h i s tu rn ,

h e do es not p ic k u p th e accom p li s h m ent wh e re you l eft

it any mo re th an h e i s b o rn s i x fee t h i g h wit h a bea r d
,
~

and a tall h at T h e s et bac k th at occu rred b etween you r

.
-

l es s on s occu rs a g ain T h e r ac e l e a rn s exactly as t h e

.

individual l earn s You r s o n rela p s es not to th e v ery

.
,

b eg innin g b ut to a p oint wh ic h no mo r tal m eth od of

,

m ea s u rem ent can di s tin g ui sh f rom th e b eg innin g N ow .

thi s i s odd ; f o r c e r tain oth er h abit s of you rs equally ,

acqui red ( to the E volutioni st of cou rse all h abit s are, ,

ac qu l r ed ) equally uncon s ciou s

, equally aut o matic , ar e ,

t r an s mitt ed with out any p erc ep tibl e rela p s e Fo r i n .

s tanc e t h e v ery fi rs t act of you r s o n Wh en h e e nt ers th e

,

wo rld as a sep a rat e individual i s to y ell with indi g na

tion : th at y ell wh ich S h a k esp ea r t h ou g h t th e mo s t t ra g ic
an d p it eou s of all s ound s In th e act of y ellin g h e
.

beg in s to b reath e : anot h er h abit an d not ev en a n ec es ,

s a ry o n e as t h e obj e ct of b r e ath in g can b e ac h i ev ed in

.
 B ac k to M ethus elah '

xv

o th er way s as by d eep s ea fi sh es H e ci r culat es h i s

, .

bloo d by p um p in g it wit h h i s h ea rt H e d emand s a m e al

.
,

and p roc eed s a t onc e to p e rfo rm t he mo st elabo rat e c h em

ical Op eration s on th e fo o d h e s wallows H e m an uf ac .

tu res t eeth ; dis ca rd s th em ; and r eplac es th em with f resh

on es Comp a red to t h es e h abitual fe at s wal k in g s tand
.
, ,

i n g u p ri g h t and bicyclin g are t h e m eres t t ri fi es ; yet i t

,

i s on ly by g oin g t h rou gh th e want in g t ryin g p roc ess ,

t h at h e can s tand wal k o r cycl e wh ereas in t h e oth er

, , ,

and f ar mo re di fficult and com p l ex h abit s h e not only

do es not con s ciou sly wan t n o r con s ciou sly try but actu ,

ally con s ciou sly obj ect s v ery s t ron g ly T a k e th at ea rly .

h abit of cuttin g t h e t eeth ; would h e do t h at if h e could

h el p it ? T a k e t h at lat e r h abit of d e cayin g and el i m i
n atin g h ims elf by d e at h— equally as acqui red h abit r e ,

m emb er— h o w h e ab h o rs it ! Y et th e h abit h as b ecom e

s o ro ot e d s o automatic t h at h e mu s t do it in s it e of
, , p
h im s elf ev e n to hi s own d es t ruction
, .

W e h av e h ere a routin e w h ich g iv e n tim e enou gh f o r

,

it to Op er at e will finally p roduc e the mo s t el abo rat e

,

fo rm s of o rg aniz e d life on L ama r c k i a n l i n es with out

th e int erv ention of C i rcum s tantial S el e ction at all If '

you can tu rn a p edes t rian into a cycli s t and a cycli s t ,

into a p iani s t o r violini s t with out th e int erv ention of

,

C i rcum s tantial S el ection you can tu r n an amoeba into

,

a man o r a m an into a su p erm an wit h out it All of

, , .

whi ch i s r an k h eres y to th e N eo D a rwinian wh o i m -

ag i n es t h at if you s t 0 p C i rcum stantial S el e ction you not ,

only s t o p d ev elo p m ent but inau g u rat e a r ap id and di s a s

tro n s d eg en eration .

L et u s fix th e L ama r c k ian evolutiona ry p roc es s w ell

in o ur mind s You are aliv e ; and you want to be more
.

aliv e You want an ext en s ion of con s ciou s n es s and of

.

p ow er . You want con s equ ently ,additional o r an s

g
,
or ,

additional u ses of you r exi s tin g o rg an s : th at i s addi ,

 B ac k to M ethu s elah
t i o n al habits You g et th em b ec au s e you want th em
.

badly e nou g h to k eep t ryin g f o r th em until t h ey com e .

N obody k now s h ow : nobody k now s why : all we k now i s

t h at t h e t h in g actually ta k es p lac e W e rela p s e mi s er
.

ably fr om eff o r t to eff o rt until th e old o rg an i s modi

fi ed o r t h e n ew o n e c r eat ed w h en s udd enly t h e imp o s s ibl e
,

be com es p o s s ibl e and th e h abit i s fo rm ed T h e mom ent .

we fo rm it we wan t to g et ri d of th e con s ciou s n e s s of it

s o as to e conomiz e o u r con s ciou s n es s f o r f r es h conqu es t s

of life ; as all con s ciou s n es s m e an s p reoccu p ation and

ob s t ruction If we h ad to t h in k about b re ath in g o r
.

di g es tin g o r ci r culatin g o ur blo od we s h oul d h av e no

att ention to s p a re f o r anyt h in g el s e as we find to o ur ,

co s t wh en anyth in g g o es w r on g with th es e o p eration s .

W e want t o b e uncon s ciou s of t h em j u s t as we want ed to

acqui re th em ; and we finally win wh at we want B ut we .

win uncon s ciou s n es s of o ur h abit s at th e co s t of los in g

o u r cont rol of th em ; an d w e al s o build o n e ha bit and i ts

co rres p ondin g func tional m o dification of o ur o r g an s on

anoth er and s o b ecom e d ep end ent on o ur old h abits
, .

Co n s equ ently we h av e to p ers i s t in t h em ev en wh en th ey

hu r t us . W e c annot s to p b reat h in g to avoid an attack
of a s th ma o r to es cap e d rownin g W e can lo se a h abit
, .

and di s ca r d an o rg an wh en we n o l o n g er n eed th em j u s t ,

as we acqui r e d t h em ; but th i s p r oc es s i s s low and b r o k en

by relap s es ; and relic s of t h e o rg an and th e h abit lon g
s u rviv e i ts utility And if oth er and s till indi s p en s abl e
.

h abit s and modification s h av e b ee n built on th e on es we

wi sh to di s ca rd we mu s t p rovid e a n ew foundation f o r
,

th em b efo re we d emoli sh th e old o n e T h i s i s al s o a s l o w

.

roc es s and a v er y cu riou s o n e

p .

T h e M i racl e of C on d en s ed R ec ap it ulation
T he la p s es b etw een th e eff o r t s to acqui re a h abit are
re

im p o rtant b ecau s e as we h av e s een t h ey recu r not only

, ,
xxviii B ack t o M et hu s elah
h i s to ry of man k ind in th ei r own p ers on s , h ow ev er b ri efly
t h ey may cond en s e it .

N o th in g was so a s toni sh in g and s i g nific ant in th e di s

c o v eri e s of t h e e mb ryolo i s t s , n o r anyt h in s o ab s u r dly
g g
littl e a pp re ciat ed , as t h i s recap itulation , as it i s now
ca l l ed : t h i s p ow er of h u rry i n g u p into month s a p r oces s
w hich was onc e s o lon g and t ediou s t h at th e m ere c o n
t em pl ati o n of it i s un endu r abl e by m en wh o s e s p an of
life i s t h ree s co re and t en It widen ed h uman p o s s ibili
— - -

ti es to th e ext ent of enablin g u s to h op e th at th e mo s t

r olon ed and di fficult o e r ation s o f o ur mind s may et
p g p y
b e com e in s tantan e ou s o r as we call it in s tinctiv e It
, , , .

al s o di rect ed o u r att e ntion to exam p l es of th i s pa ck in g

u p of c e ntu r i es into s e cond s wh ich w ere s ta r in g u s in th e

fac e in all di r ection s A s I w rit e th es e lin es th e n ews

.

p p a er s are occu i ed by th e ex loit s of a ch ild of e i h t

p p g ,

wh o h as j u s t d efe at e d tw enty adult c h es s p lay er s in

tw enty g am es p lay ed s imultan eou sly and h as b een abl e ,

aft erwa rd s to re con s t ruct all th e tw enty g am e s with out

any a pp a rent eff o rt of m emo ry M o s t p eo p l e includ
.
,

i n g my s elf p lay c h es s ( wh en th ey p lay it at all ) f r o m

,

h and to mout h and can h a r dly re call th e la s t mov e but

,

o n e o r fo re s ee t h e n ext but two

, A l s o wh e n I h av e t o
.
,

ma k e an a ri th m etical c al ucl ati o n I h av e to do it s t ep

,

by s t ep with p encil and p a p er s lowly r eluctantly and

, , ,

wit h s o littl e c onfid enc e in th e r e sult t h at I da re not act

“
on it with out p rovin g th e sum by a fu rth er calcula
”

tion involvin g mo re ci ph erin g B ut th ere are men wh o

.

can n eith er r ead writ e n o r ciph er to wh om t h e an s wer

, , ,

to s uch s um s as I can do i s in s tantly obviou s with out

any con s ciou s calc ulation at all ; and th e res ult i s i n f al
l i bl e
. Y e t s om e of th es e n atu r al a r it h m etician s h av e but
a s mall v o cabula ry ; are at a lo s s wh en t hey h av e to find
wo rd s f o r any but t h e s im p l es t ev eryday occa s ion s ; and
‘

cann ot f or th e life of th em d es c rib e m ech anical o p era

 B ac k to M et hu s elah
tion s wh ic h t h ey p e rfo rm daily in th e c ourse of th ei r
t r ade ; wh erea s t o m e th e wh ol e vocabula ry of E n g li sh
lit eratu re from S h a k es p ea r to th e lat es t edition of t h e
,
-

E ncyclo p aedia B ritannica i s s o com p l et ely a n d i n s tan t a

,

n eo u sl
y at my call t h at I h av e n ev er h ad to con s ult ev en

a thes au ru s exc ep t onc e o r twic e wh en f o r s o m e r ea s on I

want e d a th i rd o r fou r t h s ynonym A g ain th ou g h I.
,

h av e t ri ed and fail e d t o d r aw reco g n izabl e p o r t r ait s o f

p er s on s I h av e s ee n ev ery d a
y f o r y ea r s M r , B ern a r d
.

P a rt rid g e h avin g s een a man onc e will wi th out mo re

, , ,

s t r ain t h an i s involv e d m eatin a s andwic h d raw h i m

g ,

to th e life T h e k eyboa r d of a p iano i s a d evic e I h av e

.

n ever b een abl e to m a s t er ; y et M r C y ril S cott u s es it

.

exactly as I u s e my o wn fin ers ; and to S i r E dwa r d

g
E l g a r an o rc h e s t ral s co re i s as in s tantan eou s ly int el
li g ibl e at s i g h t as a p a g e of S ha k es p ea r i s to m e O n e .

man cannot aft er t ryin g f o r y ea r s fin g er th e flut e

, ,

flu ently A no th er will ta k e up a flut e with a n ewly

.

inv ent ed a rran g em ent of k ey s on it and p lay it at onc e

,

with h a rdly a mi s ta k e W e find p e opl e to wh om w ritin g

.

i s s o d i fli c ul t t h at t h ey p refer to s i g n th ei r nam e wit h a

ma rk and be s id e t h em m en wh o ma s t e r s y s t em s of sh o rt
,

h and an d im p rovi s e n ew s y s t em s of th ei r own as ea s ily

as t h ey l e a rnt th e al p h ab et . T h es e cont ra s ts ar e to b e
s ee n on all h and s and h av e nothi n g to do wi th va ria
,

tion s in g en eral int elli g enc e n o r ev e n i n th e s pecializ ed

,

int elli g enc e p r o p er to th e faculty in qu es tion : f o r ex

am pl e n o c o m p o s er o r d ramatic p o et h as ev er p ret end ed
,

to b e abl e to p er fo rm all th e p a r t s h e w rit es f o r th e

s in er s acto rs and lay er s wh o are h i s e x e cutants
g , , p .

O n e mi g h t as w ell e x p e ct N a p ol eon to b e a f e nc er o r t h e ,

A s t ronom er R oyal t o kn o w ho w many bean s mak e fiv e

any b ett er t h an h i s book k eep er E v en e xc ep tional
.

command of lan g ua g e do es not imp ly th e p o s s es s ion of

id e a s t o exp res s : M ezzofanti th e ma s t er of fi f ty ei gh t
,
-
xxx B ack to M et hus elah
lan g ua g es h ad l es s to s ay in t h em th an S h ak es p ea r
,

with hi s littl e L atin and l es s Greek ; and p ublic life i s

th e p a r adi s e of volubl e windb a g s .

A ll th ese examp l es wh ich mi g h t b e mul ti pli ed by mil

,

lion s are ca ses in wh ich a lon g labo r1 ou s con s ciou s

, , , ,

d etail ed p roc es s of acqui rem ent h as be e n cond en s ed int o

an in s tinctiv e and uncons ciou s inbo rn o n e F acto rs .

w h i c h fo rm erly h ad to b e con s idered o n e by o n e in s u c

c es sion are int eg r at ed into wh at s eem s a s in g l e s im pl e
facto r C h ain s of h a rdly s olubl e p robl ems h av e coal es c ed
.

in o n e p robl em wh ich s olv es it s elf th e mom ent it i s r ai s ed .

Wh at i s m o re the y h av e b een p u sh ed back ( o r fo rwa rd

, ,

if you li k e ) from p o s t natal to p r e natal o n es T he

- - -
.

ch ild in t h e womb m ay ta k e s om e tim e ov er t h em ; but i t

i s a mi r aculou s ly s h o rt en ed tim e .

T h e tim e ph enom en a involv ed are c u riou s and s u g g es t

,

th at w e ar e eit h er w ron g about o ur h i s to r y o r el s e t h at

we eno rmou s ly exa g g erat e th e p eriod s r equi red f o r t h e
re natal acqui rem ent of h abit s In th e nin et eent h c en
p
-

tu ry we tal k e d v ery g libly abo ut g eolo g ical p eri o d s and ,

flun g m illion s of coin s about in t h e mo s t lo rdly mann er

in o ur r eaction a g ain s t A rch bi sh o p U s sh er s ch ronolo g y
’
.

W e h ad a cr az e f o r b i g fi gu res and p o s itiv ely li k e d to

,

b eli eve t h at t h e p ro g res s m ad e by t h e ch ild in th e womb

in a month was r ep res ent ed in p reh i sto r ic tim e by a g es
and a g es W e in s i st ed th at E volution advanc ed mo re
.

s lowly t h an any s nail ev er c r awl ed and t h at N atu re do es

,

not p roc eed by l ea p s and bound s T h i s w as all very wel l

.

as lon g as we w ere d e alin g with s u ch acqui red h abit s as

b reath in g o r di g es tion It was p oss ibl e t o b eli ev e t h at
.

doz en s of ep och s h ad g on e to the slow buildin g up of

th es e h abit s B ut wh en we h av e to con s id er th e ca s e
.

of a man bo rn not o nly as an accomp li sh ed m etab ol i s t ,

but with s uch an a p titude f o r sh o r th and and k eyboa rd

manip ulation th at h e i s a s t eno g ra ph er o r p iani s t a t
 B ack to M et hus elah
l eas t fi v e s ix th s r eady made as s oon as h e can control h i s
-

h and s int elli g e ntly we ar e fo rc ed to s u s p ect eit h e r th at

,

k eyboa rd s and sh o rth and are old er inv ention s t h an we

su o o r el s e t h at acqui r em ent s can b e a s s imilat e d
pp se ,

and s to red as con g enial qualification s in a s h o rt er tim e

th an we t h in k ; s o t h at as b e tw een L y ell and A rc h bi s h o p
,

Us s h er th e lau gh may not b e with L y ell quit e s o up

,

ro ar i o usl a s it s eem e d fifty y e a rs a o

y g .

H er edi ty an O ld S tory
It is vid ent th at th e evolutiona ry p roc es s i s a h eredi
e

ta ry one o r , to p u t it l es s dr ily t h at h uman life i s con

, ,

t i n u o us and immo rtal T h e E volutioni s t s to o k h eredity

.

f o r g r a nt ed S o di d ev erybody
. T h e h uman mind h as
.

b een s oak ed in h eredity as lon g back as we can t rac e

i ts t h ou g h t H eredita ry p eers h ered ita ry mona rch s
.
, ,

h eredita ry ca s t es and t r ad es and cla s s es w ere th e b es t

k nown of s ocial in s ti tution s and in s om e ca s es of p ublic
,

nui s anc es P edi g r ee men count ed p edi g ree do g s and

.

p e di g ree h o r s e s amon g t h ei r mo s t ch e ri sh ed
p o s s es s ion s .

F ar from b ein g uncon s ciou s of h eredity o r s c ep tical , ,

men w ere in s an ely c redul ou s abo ut it : th ey not only

b eli ev ed in th e t ran s mi s sion of qualiti es and h abits from
g e n er ation to g en eration but e x e ct ed th e s o n to b e in
p , g
m entally wh ere t h e fath er l eft o ff .

ed n atu ral l i c e of

ea g erly s ou g h t aft er in h uman ma rria g e In dealin g .

with p lants and animal s s el ection with a vi ew to th e

,

r o duction of n ew va ri eti es and th e im rov em ent an d

p p
modification of s p eci es h ad b een p racti s ed ev er s inc e m en
b eg an to cul tivat e th em M y p re D arwi n i an uncl e k n ew
— .
-

as w ell as D a rwin t h at th e r ac e h o rs e and th e d r ay -

h o rs e are not s ep a rat e c re ation s fr om th e G a rd en of

xxx n B ack to M eth us elah
E den , b u t ada p tation s by d eli be rat e h uman l ction of se e

th e m edi eval war h o r e to mod ern r acin g and indu s t ri al

-
s

h aula g e .H e k n ew th at t h ere are n e a rly two h und red

di fferent s o r t s o f do g s all ca p abl e of b reedin g with o ne
,

anoth er and of p r oducin g c ro s s va ri eti es un k nown to

A dam H e k n ew th at th e s am e th in g i s t ru e o f p i g eon s
. .

He k n ew t h at g a rd en ers h ad s p ent t h ei r liv es t ryin g to

b ree d black tulip s and g reen ca rnation s and un h ea rd o f -

o rc hid s and h ad actually p r oduc ed flow ers j u s t as

,

s t ran e to E v e H i s qua rrel wi th th e E volutioni s t s was

g .

not a qua rrel with th e evid enc e f o r E volution : h e h ad

acc ep t e d enou gh of it to p rov e E volution t en tim es ov er
b efo re h e ev er h ea rd of it W h at h e rep udi at ed was
‘
.

cou s in s h i p with t h e ap e an d th e im p li ed s u sp i c m n o f a
,

rudim enta ry tail b ecau s e it was o ff en siv e to h i s s en s e

,

of h i s own di g nity and b ecau s e h e t h ou g h t th at a p es

,

wer e ridiculou s an d tail s diaboli cal wh en a s s ociat ed wit h

,

th e ere ct p o s tu re A l s o h e b eli ev ed th at E volution was

.

a h eres y wh ich involv e d th e d es truction o f C hri s tianity ,

of w h i ch a s a m emb er of th e Iri sh C h u rch ( th e p s eudo

,

P r ot es tant o n e ) h e conc eiv ed h im s elf a p illa r B ut t h i s

, .

was only h i s i g no r anc e ; f o r a man m ay d eny h i s d es c ent

f ro m an ap e and b e eli g ibl e as a c h u r ch wa rd en wit hout
b ein g any th e l es s a convi nc ed E volutioni s t .

D i s cov ery An ticip at ed by D ivin ation

W h at i s mo re th e reli g iou s folk can clai m t o b e
,

amon g th e p ion eers of E volutioni s m W ei smann N eo .

,

D a rwini s t t h ou g h h e was d evoted a lon g p a s s a g e in h i s

,

Hi s to ry of E volution to th e N atu re Ph ilo s o ph y o f

L o renz O k en p ubli sh e d in 1 809 O k en d efin ed natu ral
, .

s ci enc e as
“th e s ci enc e of t he ev erla s tin g t ran s mutation s
”
of th e H oly Gh o s t in th e wo rld H i s reli g ion h ad .

s ta rt e d hi m on t h e r i gh t t r a c k and not only l ed h i m to

,
 B ack to M ethus elah xxxiii
t hin k out a wh ol e s ch em e o f E volution in ab s t ract t erm s ,

but g uid ed hi s aim in a s i g nificantly g ood s ci entific sh ot

wh ic h b r ou g h t h i m with in th e s co p e of Wei s man n H e .

not only d efin ed t he o ri g inal s ub s tanc e f rom wh ich all

fo rm s of life h av e d evelo p ed as p roto pla s m o r as h e
, ,

call ed it p rimitiv e s lim e ( U rs c h l ei m ) but actually d e

, ,

c l ared t h at t h i s s lim e t oo k th e fo r m of v es icl es out of

wh ich th e univ erse was built H ere was th e mod ern c ell
.

mo rp h olo g y g u es s ed by a reli g iou s th ink er lon g b efo re

th e mic ro s co p e an d th e s cal p el fo r c ed it on th e vi s ion of
m ere labo rato ry wo rk ers wh o could no t th in k and h ad no
reli g ion. T he labo rato ry wo rk ers w o rk ed v ery h a rd
indee d to find out wh at would h a pp en to a d og if t h ey
ti ed up i ts bil e duct s o r to a mon k ey if h alf i ts b rain s
,

w ere bu rn t out by a m an wit h no b rain s at all much as a ,

c h ild will p ull o ff a fi y s l eg s to s ee wh at will h a pp en

’

to th e fly L o renz O k en th o ug h t v ery h a rd to find out

.

wh at was h a p pe nin g to th e H oly Gh os t and th ereby,

mad e a c ont ribution of ext rao rdina ry imp o rtanc e to o u r

und ers tandin g of c reatu res h avin g noth in g w ron g with
th ei r bil e duct s o r b rain s T h e man wh o was s ci entific
.

enou g h to s ee th at t h e H oly G h o s t i s th e mo s t int er

es tin o f all th e h a rd fact s of lif e g o t e a s ily in f r ont

g
of th e block h ead s wh o could only s i n a g ain s t it Henc e .

my uncl e was tu rnin g h i s b ac k on v ery res p ectabl e c om

any w h en h e d erid ed E volution and would p r obably
p ,

h av e recant e d and a p olo g iz ed at onc e h ad anyb o dy

p oint e d out to h i m w h at a s ol e ci s m he w as committin
g .

T h e m e ta ph y s ical s id e of E volutio n was t h u s no nov

el t w h e n D a rwin a rriv ed H a d O k en n ev e r liv ed t h ere
y .
,

would s till h ave b een million s of p ers on s t rain ed from

thei r ch ildh ood to b eli ev e th at we are continually u rg ed
u p wa r d s by a fo rc e call ed th e W ill of G od In 1 8 1 9.

S c h o p en h au e r p ubli s h ed h i s t re ati se on T h e W o rld as

Will wh ic h i s th e m eta phys ical c om p lem ent to L ama rck s
.
’
xxxiv B ack to M ethu s elah
na
tg al h
r
'
i si it demo ns t ra tes th at th e d ri v i n g fg rc e
or y, as g

a wi ll to l iv e and to liv e as C hri s t - -

m m
, ,

a s; s gau r s}; m a ah u a gaf a w

o s op h er s from P lato to L eibnitz h ad k ep t th e h um an
Er
p h il
, ,

mind o p en f o r th e t h ou g h t of th e univ ers e as o n e id ea

b ehind al l i t s phys ically a pp reh en s ibl e t ran s fo rmation s .

C orr ect ed D at es f or th e D i s cov ery of E vol u tion

Al l thi s rem ember i s t he s tat e of th in g s in th e p re
, ,

D a rwin p eri od whi ch s o many of u s s till t h ink of as a

,

p re evolutiona ry
-

p er iod E volutioni s m
. w a s t h e ra e
g
b efo re Qu een V icto ria cam e to th e t hron e T o fix th i s .

ch r onolo g y l et m e r ep e at t h e s to ry told by W ei s mann

,

of th e July revolution in P a ri s in 1 83 0 wh en th e French “

,

g o t ri d o f Ch a rl es t h e T enth G o et h e w as t h e n s till
.

livin g ; and a French fri end o f hi s call ed on h i m and

f ound h l m wildly e xcit ed : “ Wh at do you t h ink of th e
r e at ev ent ?
”
aid G o e th e
“T h v lcano i i er a
g s e o s n
.
p
tion ; and all i s in flam es T h ere can no lon g er b e d i s .

”
c us s i o n with clo s ed doo r s T h e French man rep li ed t h at
.

no doubt it was a t erribl e bu s in es s ; but wh at could th ey

ex p e ct wit h s uch a mini s t ry and s uc h a k in g ?
“ S tu ff 1
”

s aid G o eth e :
“I am not t h ink in g of t h es e p eo pl e at all ,

but of th e op en ru p tu re in the Fren ch A cad emy between

C uvi er an d S t Hilai re It i s of th e utmo s t im p o r tanc e
. .

to s ci en ce ”
T h e ru p tu re G o eth e m eant was about E vo
.

l u ti o n C uvi er cont endin g t h at t h ere were fou r sp eci es

, ,

and S t Hilai re th at t h ere was only o n e

. .

Fr om 1 830 wh en D a rwin was an a pp a rently u n p r om

,

i s in g lad of s ev ent een until 1 85 9 wh en h e tu rn ed th e

, ,

wo rld u p s id e down by h i s O ri g in of S p eci es t h ere was a ,

s l um
p in E volutioni sm T h e fi rs t g en eration
. of i t s

e nt h u s ia st s was a g ein g and dyin g out ; and t h ei r s u c

c es s o rs w ere be in g t au g h t from th e B oo k of G en es i s ,
 B ack to M et hu s elah

D ef yin g th e L ig h tn in g : a Fru s t r at ed
E xp eri men t
O ne e v enin g in 1 878 o r t hereabout s I bein g then in
, ,

my e a rli es t tw enti es was at a bach elo r p a rty of youn g

,

men of th e p rofes s ional c la s s in t h e h ou se of a doctor

in th e Ken s i n g to n i an qua rter of L ondon T hey f ell to .

talk in g about reli g iou s revival s ; and an an ecdot e was

relat e d of a man wh o h avin g incautiou s ly s co ff e d at
,

th e mi s sion of M es srs M oody and S an k ey a th en famou s ,

fi rm of A m er i c an evan g eli s t s w as s ub s equ ently ca rri ed

,

h o m e on a shutt er slain by divin e v en g eanc e as a bla s

,

p h emer . A timid mino rity wit

, h out quit e v en turi n
g t o '

ques tion th e t ruth of th e incident— f o r th ey n atu r ally

did not c a re to run th e ri sk of g oin g h om e on s h utt ers
th em s elv s n ev ert h el es s s h ewe d a c er tain di s po s ition t o
e —

cavil a t th o s e wh o exult ed in it ; and s ome t h in g ap

p r oac h in g to an a r um ent b eg an
g A t. la s t i t was all e ed
g
by th e mo s t evan g elical of th e di s p utant s t h at Ch a rl es
B radl au g h t h e mo s t fo rm idabl e at h ei s t o n t h e S e cula ri s t
,

p latfo rm , h a d ta k e n out h i s watc h

p ublicly and c h al
l en g ed the A lmi g h ty to s t ri k e hi m d ead in fi v e minut es
if he really exi s t e d and di s a pp rov ed of ath ei sm T h e .

l eader of th e cavill ers with g reat h eat rep udiat ed th i s as a

, ,

ro s s calumny d e cla r in g t h at B radl aug h h ad r ep e a t edly

g ,

and indi g nantly contr adict e d it and im plyin g th at t h e

,

athei s t c h amp ion was f ar too p ious aman to commit s uc h

a bla s ph emy T h i s exqui s it e c onfu sion of id ea s rou s ed
.

my sen s e of com edy It was cl ea r to me th at th e ch al

.

l en g e att ribut ed to C h a rl es B rad l augh was a s ci entific

ex erime n t of a q uit e s im l e
p s t r ai g h tfo r wa rd and
p , ,

ro er kind to a s c ertain w h eth er t h e ex p res s ion of ath e

p p
i s ti c o p inion s really did involv e any p ers onal r i s k It .

was c er tainly th e m et h od tau g h t in th e B ibl e E l 13 a h ,

havin g confut ed th e p roph et s of B aal in p reci sely t h at

 B ac k to M ethus elah x xxv n

way with ev ery ci r cum s tanc e of bitt er mock ery of t h ei r

,

g o d w h en h e f ail ed to s end down fi re f r o m h e av en A c .

c o rdi n l
g y I s aid t h a t if t h e qu es tion at i s s u e w e r e

whet h er th e p enalty of qu es tionin g the t h eolo g y of

M es srs M oody and S ank ey was to be s t ruc k d ead o n the
s ot by an inc e n s ed d eity not h in could ff ect a mo re
p g, e

convincin g s ettl em ent of i t th an th e v ery obviou s exp eri

m en t att r ibut ed to M r B radl aug h and t h at con s equ ently
,

i f h e h ad not t ri ed it h e ou g h t to h av e t ri ed it
, T he .

omi ssion I add ed was o n e wh ic h could ea s ily b e reme

, ,

di ed t here and t h en as I h a p p en ed to sh a re M r B rad

, .

lau g h s vi ew s as to th e ab su r dity of th e beli ef in t h es e

’

viol en t int erf erenc es wi th th e o rder of nature by a sh o rt

t em p ered and t h in s k inn e d s u p ernatu ral d eity T here
-
.

—
fo re and at t h at p oint I too k out my wat ch .

T h e eff ect was el e ctrical N eit h er s c ep tic s n o r d evo

.

t ees w ere p rep a red to abid e t h e r es ult of th e exp erim ent .

In vain did I u rg e t h e p ious to t ru s t in t he accu r acy of

t hei r d eity s aim wit h a t hund erbolt and the j u s tic e of
’
,

hi s di s c ri mination be tw een t h e innoc ent and t h e g uilty .

In vain did I a p p eal to th e s c ep tic s to acc ep t th e lo g ical

o utcome of t h ei r s c ep tici s m : it s oon a pp ea red t h at wh en

t hund erbolt s w e re in qu es tion th ere w ere n o s c ep tic s .

O ur h o s t s eein g t h at h i s g u est s would vani sh p rec i p i

,

t at el y if th e im p iou s c h all en g e w ere utt ere d l e avin g h i m,

alon e with a s olita ry infi d el und er s e nt enc e of e xt ermina

tion in fi v e minut es int erp o s ed and fo rbad e the experi
,

m ent pl eadin g at th e s am e tim e f o r a c h an g e of s ubj ect

, .

I of cou rs e com p li ed but could not r ef rain f rom rema rk

,

i n g t h at th ou g h th e d re adful wo r d s h ad not been utt ered ,

y e t
, as t h e t h ou g h t h a d b e e n fo rmulat e d i n my mind i t ,

was v ery doubtful wh eth er th e con s equ enc es could b e

av e rt ed by s e alin g my lip s H owev er t h e res t a pp e a red
.
,

to feel th at th e g am e would b e p lay ed a cco rdin g to th e

rul e s and it matt er e d v ery littl e w h at I t h ou g h t s o lon g
,
xxxviii B ack to M eth u s elah
as I s aid noth in g Onl y t h e l ead er of th e evan g elical
.

p a r ty I t h ou h t was a littl e
, g p
, r e occu i e d until fi v e min
p
ut es h ad elap s ed and th e w e ath er was s till c alm .

I n Qt u es of
Firs t C aus e the
A noth er r emi ni s c enc e In t h o s e day s we t h ou g h t in
.

t erm s of tim e and s p ac e of cau s e and eff ect as we s till

, ,

do ; but we do not now d emand fro m a reli g ion t h at it

sh all ex lain th e u n iv ers e com l et ely i n t erm s of cau s e
p p
an d eff ec t and p r es ent th e wo rld to u s as a m an u f ac
,

tured a r ticl e and as t h e p rivat e p r o p er ty of i t s M anu

factu rer W e did th en W e w ere invit ed t o p ity th e
. .

d elu s ion of c ertain h eath en s who h eld th at th e wo rld i s

s u p o rt e d by an el e h ant wh o i s s u o rt ed by a to rtoi s e
p p pp .

M a h o m e t d ecid ed t h at th e mountain s are g reat w ei gh t s

to k eep th e wo rld from b ein g blown away into sp ac e .

B ut we refut ed t h es e o ri ental s by askin g t r iump h antly

wh at t h e to rtoi s e s tands on ? F ree th ink er s ask ed whi ch
came fi rs t : th e owl or t h e eg g N obody t h ou gh t of s ay .

i n g th at t h e ultimat e p rob l em o f e xi s t enc e bein g cl ea rly ,

in s olubl e and ev en unth ink abl e on cau s ation lin es could ,

not b e a cau s ation p r ob l em T o p iou s p eo p l e t h i s would

.

h av e b een flat ath ei s m b ecau s e t h ey as s um ed th at G od

,

mu s t be a C au s e and s om etim es call ed h i m T he Great

,

F i rs t C au s e o r in s till ch oic er lan g ua g e T h e P rimal

, , , _

C au s e T o t h e R ati on al i stts it would h av e b eef i arenun

.

c i ati on of re a s on H ere and t h ere a man would confes s

.

t h at h e s to o d as wi th a dim lant ern in a d en s e f o g and ,

could s ee but a littl e way in any di rection into infinity .

B ut h e did not really b eli ev e t h at infinity was infinit e o r

t h at th e et ernal was al s o s emp it ernal : h e a s s um ed th at all
t hin g s known and unk nown w ere cau sed
, , .

H enc e it was th at I found my self o n e day towa rd s

the en d o f th e e i g h t een s ev enti es in a c ell in th e old
-
 B ac k to M ethus elah xxxix
B rompton O rato ry a rg uing with a Jes uit fat h er wh o
h ad been call e d by o n e of h i s fl o ck to att em p t my con
v ers ion t o R oman C ath olici s m T h e univ erse exi s t s
.
,

s aid th e fat h er : s om ebod y mu s t h av e mad e it If t h at

.

s om ebody exi s ts s aid I s o mcb o d mu s t h av e mad e h i m

, , y .

I g rant you t h at f o r t h e s a k e of a rg um ent s aid th e

J es uit I g rant you a ma k er of G
,

. od I g r ant you a
.

mak er o f th e m a k er of God I g rant you as lon g a lin e

.

of ma k ers as you p l eas e ; but an infinity of mak ers i s

unth in k abl e and ext r ava g ant : it i s no h a rd er to b eli ev e
in nu mbe r o n e th an in n umb er fifty th ou s and o r fifty
million ; s o why not ac c ep t nu mb er o n e and s top th ere ,

s inc e no att em t to g et behi nd h i m wil l remov e you r

p
lo g ical d ifficul ty ? B y you r l eave s aid I it i s as e a sy
, ,

f o r m e t o beli ev e th at t h e univ erse mad e its elf as th at

_

a mak er of th e univers e mad e h im s elf ; in fact much

e a s i er ; f o r t h e univ ers e vi s ibly exi s t s an d ma k es it s elf

as it g o es alon g w h erea s a m ak er f o r it i s a h yp oth es i s

, .

O f cou rse we coul d g et no fu rth er o n th es e lin es He .

r o s e and s aid th at we w ere li k e two m en wo rki n a a w

g s ,

b e p u sh in g i t fo rwa r d and I p u sh in g it back and cuttin g,

not hin g ; but w h en we h ad d rop p ed th e s ubj e ct and were

wal k in g t h rou g h t h e refecto ry h e retu rn ed to it f o r a
,

m o ment to s ay that h e sh ould g o mad if h e lo s t h i s beli ef .

I g lo ryin g i n th e ro bu s t callou s n es s of youth and th e

co medic s p i rit felt quit e comfo rtabl e and s aid s o ;
,

th ou g h I was touch ed too by h i s e vid ent s inc eri ty

, , .

T h es e two an ecdot es are s up erficially t rivial and ev en

comic ; but th ere i s an aby s s of h o rro r b en eath th em .

T h ey rev eal a condition s o utt erly i rreli g iou s t h at r eli

g ion m e a n s not h in g but b eli ef in a nu rs ery bo g ey and ,

i t s inad equacy i s d emon s t r at ed by a toy lo g ical dil emma ,

n eith er th e bo g ey n o r th e dil emm a h avin g anyth in g to

do with reli g ion or be in g s eriou s enou gh to im p o s e on
,

o r c o nfu s e any r o erly educate d c h ild ov er th e ag e of

p p
xl
-

B ack to M eth us elah

s i x.O n e h a r dly k now s w h ic h i s t h e mo re a pp allin g : the
abj ectn es s of t h e c redulity o r th e fli pp an cy of the s eep
ti ci s m . ult was in evitabl e All wh o w ere s t ron g
T he r es .

mind ed enou gh not to b e t errifi ed by th e bo g ey w ere l eft

s t r and ed in em ty cont em tuou s n e ation and a u d
p p g r
g e , ,

wh en t h ey a rg u ed at all as I a rg u ed with t h e J es uit

, .

B ut t h ei r p o s ition was not int el l ectually comfortabl e .

A m emb er of p a rliam ent exp res s ed t h ei r di s comfo r t

wh en obj e ctin g to th e admi s s io n of C h a rl e s B radl au g h
,
“
into parliam ent h e s aid H an g it all a m an sh oul d b e
, ,
”
li ev e in s o m eth in g o r s om ebody It was ea s y to throw.
“

B rad l au m emb er would h av e p ut

g h e mu s t b e

s om eb ody beh ind t h e s om e t h in no a th ei s t could t

g : g e

ov er that .

P al ey s W atch
’

P al ey h ad p u t th e a rg um ent in an a pp a rentl y unan

s werabl e fo rm If you found a watch full of m ec h an
.
,

i s m exqui s it ely ada p t ed to p ro duc e a s eri es of o p er a

tio n s all l eadin g to th e fulfilm ent of o n e c ent ral p ur
p o s e o f m ea s u r in g f o r mankind t h e ma r ch of t h e day

and ni g ht could you b eli eve th a t it was not t h e wo rk

,

of a cunnin g arti fi c er wh o had d es i g n ed and contriv ed

i t all t o th at en d ? A nd h ere was a f ar mo re wond er ful
t h in g th an a watc h a man with all h i s o rg an s wond er
,

fully c ont riv ed co rd s and l ev ers g i rd ers and k in gp o s t s

, , ,

ci rculatin g s y s t em s of p ip es and valv es dialy s in g mem ,

b ran es ch emical r eto rt s ca rbu retto rs v entilato rs inl et s

, , , ,

and outl et s t el eph on e t ran s mitt ers in h i s ea rs li g h t re

, ,

co rd ers and l en s es in h i s ey es : was it conc eivabl e t h at

 B ac k to M et hus elah xli
t hi s was t he wo rk of ch anc e ? t h at no arti fi c er had
wrou gh t h ere th at th ere was no p u rp o s e in t h is no
, ,

d es i g n n o g uidin g i nt elli g enc e ? T h e th in g was i n cred

,

ibl e In vain did H elmh oltz d ecla re th at th e eye h as

.
“
ev ery o s s i b l e d e fe ct t h at can b e found in an o tical
p p
in s t rum ent and even s ome p e culia r to itself and th a t
,
”
,
“if an o tician t ri ed to s ell me an in s t rum ent w h ich h ad
p
all t hes e d e fect s I s h ould t h in k my s elf quit e j u s tifie d in
blamin g h i s ca rel es s n es s in th e s t r on g es t t erm s and ,
”
s endin g h i m back h i s in s t rum e nt T o di s c redit t h e
.

o p ticia n s sk ill was not t o g et ri d of th e o p tician T h e

’
.

e e mi h t not b e s o cl ev erly mad e as P al ey t h ou h t ;

y g g
but it was mad e s o m eh o w by s om ebody , .

A nd t h en my a rg um ent wit h th e Jes uit b eg an all ov er

a g ain It was ea s y enou gh to s ay t h at every man ma k es
.

h i s own ey es : ind eed th e emb ryolo g i s t s h ad actually

cau g h t h i m doin g it B ut w h at about t h e v ery evid ent
.

u
p p r o se t h at
p rom t ed h i m to do it ?
p W h y did h e want
to s ee if not to ext end h i s con s ciou s n es s and hi s k nowl
,

ed e and hi s ow er ? T h at u r o s e wa s at wo rk ev ery
g p p p
wh e re and mu s t b e s om et h in g bi g g er t h an th e individual
,

e e ma k in
y
-

g man O nly t h e s tu p id es t muc k rak ers could

.

fail to see th i s and eve n to k no w it as p a rt of th ei r own

,

con s ciou s n es s Y et to admit it s eem e d to involve l ettin g

.

th e bo g ey c o m e bac k s o in ext ricably h ad we mana g ed

,

to mi x up b eli e f i n t h e bo g ey s e xi s t enc e wit h b eli ef in

’

the exi s t enc e of d e s i g n in t h e univ ers e .

T h e I rr es i s tibl e C ry of O rd er , O rd er !
O ur co rnful youn g s ci entific and phi I O S O ph i c lion s of
s

today mu s t not blam e t h e C h u r c h o f E n g land f o r t h i s

confu sion of th ou g ht In 1 5 6 2 th e C h u rc h in convoca
.
,
“
tion in L ondon f o r th e avoidin g of divers iti es of o p in
ion s and f or th e es tabli sh m ent of con s ent touc h in g t ru e
xl ii B ack to M ethu s elah

re li g ion p roclaim ed in t h ei r fi rs t utt eranc e and as an

, ,
“
Ar ticl e of R eli g ion th at G od i s wi th out body p a rt s o r
, , ,

a s s ion s or a s we s ay an E l an V i t al
p , , ,

Unfo r tunat ely n eit h er p a rent s p a rs on s , ,

could b e induc ed to ado p t th at a r ticl e S t Joh n mi g h t . .

s ay t h at
“ G od i s sp i rit as p oint edly as h e p l e a s ed ; o ur
”

S ov e rei g n L ady E lizab eth mi g h t r atify t h e A r ticl e

a g ain and a g ain ; seriou s di vi n es mi g h t feel as d eeply
as th ey could t h at a G od wi th bo dy a r t s and a s s ion s
p p , ,

could be not hi n g but an anthr op omo rp h ic idol ; no mat

t er : pe o p l e at la rg e co ul d not conc e iv e a G od wh o was

n ot ant h ro omo rp h ic : t h ey s tood by th e O ld T est am ent

p
l eg end s of a G o d wh o s e
p a r t s h ad b een s ee n by o n e of

th e pat ria r c h s and finally s et up as a g ain s t the C h u rch

, ,

a G od wh o f ar f rom b ein g with o ut body p a r t s o r p as

, , ,

s ion s , was com po s e d of not h in g el s e and of v ery evil ,

p a s s ion s too T h ey im o s e d th i s idol in

.
p p r actic e on th e

C hu rch it s elf in s p it e of t h e Fi rs t A rticl e and t h ereby

, ,

h om e op ath icall y p r od uc ed th e ath ei s t wh o s e d enial of

’

God was s imp ly a d enial of th e idol and a d emo n s t ration

ag ain s t an u nb ea r abl e and mo s t unch ri s tian idolat ry .

T h e idol was as S h ell ey h ad b een ex p ell ed f rom O xfo r d

,

f o r po in tin g out an almi g h ty fi end with a p retty c h a r

, ,

a ct er and unlimit ed p ow er s p it eful c ru el j ealou s vin, , , ,

di c ti v e and ph y s ically viol ent

, T h e mo s t villainou s.

s ch oolma s t er s t h e mo s t ty r annical a ren t s f ell f ar s h o rt

, p ,

in t h ei r att emp t s t o imitat e it B ut it was n o t i ts s ocial

.

vic es th at b rou gh t it l o w Wh at mad e i t s ci entifically

.

intol erabl e was th at it was r eady at a m o m ent s notic e t o .

’

u p set th e wh ol e o rd er of t h e univers e on th e mo s t t ru m
ery p r ovocation w h e th er by st o in
pp g t h e s u n i n th e
p ,

vall ey o f A j alon o r s endin g an at h ei s t h om e d e ad on a

s h utt er ( th e s h u tt er was indi s p en s abl e b e cau s e it ma rk ed

t h e utt er u n p rep a re dn es s of t h e ath ei s t wh o unabl e to , ,

s av e h im s elf by a d e a th be d r ep ent anc e was s ub sequ ently ,

x liv B ack to M ethus elah
wh at was d es i red by it abov e all t hi n g s j u s t t hen was a
d emon s t ration t h at the evid enc es of d es i g n could b e ex
p lain ed wit h out res o rt to th e h y ot h es i s of a
p p er s onal
des i g n er If only s om e g eniu s wh il s t admittin g P al ey s
.
,
,
’

fact s could k noc k th e b rain s o ut of P al ey by th e d i s

,

c o v er
y of a m e t h od w h e r eby watc h es could h a
pp e n wit h

out watch mak ers t h at g eniu s was a s s u red of s uch a wel

,

com e f r o m th e t h ou g h t of h i s day as no natu ral p h i l os o

.

h er h ad ev e r e n oy e d b e fo re
p j .

T h e tim e b e in g t h u s ri p e t h e g eniu s a p p e a r ed ; and ,

h i s nam e was Ch a rl e s D a rwin A nd now w h at did D ar .

,

win really di s cov er ?

H e r e I am afraid I s h all requi re onc e mo re th e a s si s t
, ,

anc e of th e g i r a ff e o r as h e was c all ed in th e day s of

, ,

th e c el eb r at ed B u ff oon t h e cam elo p a r d ( by c h ild ren , ,

c amm yl eo p ar d ) I do not re m emb er h o w t h i s animal i m

.

o s ed h im s elf illu s t r ativ ely on th e E volut ion cont ro

p
v ers
y ; but t h ere was no
g ettin
g away f r om hi m t h e n ;

and I am old fa s h ion ed e nou g h to b e unabl e to g et away

-

fr om hi m now H o w di d h e com e by h i s lon g n ec k ?

.

L ama r ck would h av e s aid by wantin g to g et at t h e t en ,

der l eav es h i g h up o n th e t re e and t ryin g u ntil h e ,

s ucc eed ed in wi s h i n g th e n e c es s a r y l en g t h of n eck into

e xi s t enc e A noth er an s w er was al s o p o ss ibl e : nam ely

.
,

th at s om e p reh i s to ric s toc k b reed er wi s h in g to p roduc e -

a natu ral cu rio s ity s el ecte d t h e lon g e s t n ec k ed animal s

,
-

he could find and b re d from t h em until at la s t an animal

,

with an abno rmally lon g n ec k was evolv ed by i ntentional m

s el ec ion j u s t as th e r ac e h o rs e o r t h e f an tai l p i
t g eo n
-

hg b een evolv ed M
g

se fi x l agat i o n s ou w i ll o h
.
p y ,

s
gn n v d y e r anseig us n es s u
p rp 1
o s e e ith er
D “ , ,

he part of t h e animal it s elf o r on th e p ar tb f a s ii pe

fl n

on t
“
rio r i n tel l i g g
h

ncz gdn tro flii flgi ts desti ny: D arwi ii pd i ii t ed

q -
t ' ‘ ‘

out— an d th i s and n o mo re was D a rwin s famou s di s ’

c o v ery — th at a t h i rd explanation involving n eit h er will ,

 B ac k to M eth us el ah xlv

a m If yo ur n e c k i s too s h o r t to
reac h you r food you di e T h at may b e th e s im p le ex
, .

p lan ation of t h e fac t th at al l th e s u rv ivin

g animal s t h at
feed o n folia g e h av e n eck s or t run k s lon g enou gh to
reac h it . S o ban g g o es you r b eli e f t h at th e n ec k s mu s t
h av e been d es i g n ed to r e ac h th e food B ut L ama rck did .

not b eli ev e t h at th e n e ck s w ere s o d es i g n ed in th e b e

g innin g : h e b eli ev ed th at t h e lon
g n ec k s w er e evolv e d
by wantin g and t ryin g N o t n ec es s a rily s aid D a rwin
.
, .

C on s id er t h e e ffect on t he g i ra ffes of th e natu ral multi

lication of t h ei r numbe rs as in s i s t ed on by M alt h u s
p , .

S u p p o s e th e av era g e h ei g h t of th e folia g e e atin g an -

mal s i s fou r feet and th at th ey inc re a s e in numb ers

,

until a tim e comes w h en all th e t rees are eat en away t o

wit h in fou r feet of th e g round T h en the animal s wh o .

h a p p en to b e an inc h o r two sh o r t of th e av era g e will

di e of s ta rvation All th e animal s wh o h a pp en to be an
.

inch o r s o abov e th e av era g e will b e b ett er f ed and

s t r on g er t h an th e ot h ers T h ey will s e cu r e th e s t ron g
.

es t and t all e s t ma tes ; and t h e i r p r o g eny will s u rviv e

wh il s t th e av era ge o n es and th e s ub av era g e on es wil l -

di e out . T h i s p r o c es s by wh ich th e s pe ci es g ain s s ay

, , ,

an inch in re ach will rep eat it self until th e g i ra ffe s n eck

,
’

i s s o lon g t h at h e can alway s find fo o d enou gh with in

h i s reach at wh ich p oint of cou r s e t h e s el e ctive p r oc es s
, , ,

s to p s and t h e l en g t h of th e g i r afi e s n ec k s top s with it

‘
’
.

O th erwi se h e would g row until h e co uld b rowse o ff th e

,

t rees in t he moon A nd th i s ma rk you with out th e i n

.
, ,

t erv en t i o n of any st o ck b reed er h uman o r di v in e and

-

, ,

wi th out will p u rpo s e d es i g n o r ev e n c on s ciou s n es s b e

, , ,

yond th e blind will to s ati s fy h un g er It i s t ru e th at .

t hi s blind will bein g in eff ect a will to live g iv es away

, ,

t h e wh ol e c a s e ; but s till as com p a r e d to th e o p en ey ed

,
-

int elli g ent wantin g and t ryin g of L ama r ck the D ar ,

xlvi B ack to M et hus elah
wi n i an p roc es s may b e d es c ribed as a ch ap t er of a cci
d ent s A s s uch , it s eem s s imp l e, becau s e you do not at
.

fi rs t realiz e all th at it involv es B ut wh en i ts wh ol e si g

.

n i fi c an c e dawn s o n you , you r h ea r t s in k s into a h e a of

p
s and wit h in you .T h ere i s a h id eou s fatali s m about it ,
a gh a s tly and damn abl e r eduction of b eauty and i n t el l i

g e nc e of s t ren
, g t h and u
p p r o s e
, of h ono r and a s
p i r ation ,

to s uch ca s ually p ictu res qu e c h an g es as an avalanch e

m ay mak e in land s cap e o r a r ailway accid ent in a h uman
,

fi g u re T o call t h i s N atural S el e cti o n i s a bla sph emy

.
,

o s s ibl e to many f o r wh o m N atu re i s not h in but a

p g
ca s ual a g g reg ation of in er t and d ead matt er but et er ,

nally im p o s s ibl e to th e sp i rits and s oul s of t he ri g h t eou s .

If it b e no bla sph emy b ut a t ruth of s ci enc e t hen t he

, ,

s ta rs of h e av en , th e sh o w ers and d ew t h e wint er and

,

s umm e r th e fi re and h e at t h e mountain s and h ill s

, , , may
n o lo n g er b e called to exalt th e Lo rd wit h u s by ai
p r se :

th ei r wo rk i s to modify all t h in g s by blindly s ta rvin g

and mu rd erin g ev eryth in g t h at i s not luck y e nou gh to
s u rvive in th e univ ers al s t ru g g l e f o r h o wa sh
g .

T he B rink of the B ot tom l ess P it

T h u s di d th e n ec k of th e g i r a ff e rea ch out ac ro s s th e
wh ol e h eav en s and m ak e m en b eli ev e th at wh at th ey s aw
th ere was a g loamin g of t h e g od s F o r if t h i s s o r t of
.

s el e ction could tu rn an ant elo p e into a gi ra ff e , it could

conc eivably tu rn a p ond full o f am oeba s into th e French

A cad emy T h ou g h L ama rck s way , th e way of life, will ,
.
’

a sp i r ation , and a ch i ev em ent , remain ed s till p o ss ibl e, t h i s

n ewly sh ewn way of h un g er, d eath , s tu p idity , d elu s ion ,
ch anc e , and ba re s u rvival was al so p o s s ibl e : was indeed
mo s t c er tainly th e way in w h ic h m an y ap p a rently int el
l i g en tl y d esi g n ed t ran s fo rmation s h ad actually com e to
p ass. H ad I not p r elud ed with t h e a pp a rently idl e
 B ack to M ethus elah xlvii
s to ry of my revival of th e cont rov ers ial m eth ods of
E l i j ah I sh ould be as k e d h o w it w as t h at th e exp lo r er
,

wh o o p e n ed up t h i s g ulf of d es p air f ar fr om b ein g s ton ed

,

o r c rucifi ed as th e d es t r oy e r of th e h ono r of th e r ac e and

t h e p u rp o s e of th e wo rld was h ail ed as D eliv erer S avio r

, , ,

P ro p h e t R ed eem er E nli g h t en er R es cu er H o p e G iv e r
, , , , ,

and E p och M ak er ; w h il s t p oo r L ama rck was s wep t a sid e

as a c r ud e and ex p lod ed g u es s er h a r dly wo rt h y to b e

nam ed as hi s erron eou s fo rerunn er In th e li g h t of my

.

an e cdot e t h e exp lanation i s obviou s T h e fi rs t th in g

, .

th e g ulf did was to s wallow up P al ey and th e D i s o rd erly

,

D es i g n er and S h ell ey s A lmi g h ty F i end and all th e res t

,
’
,

of th e p s edu o reli g iou s rubbish t h at h ad bloc k ed ev ery

-

u p wa rd and o nwa rd p ath s inc e t h e h op es of m en h ad

tu rn ed to S ci enc e as th ei r t ru e S avio r It s eem ed s uch .

a conv eni ent g r av e t h at nobod y at fi rst notic ed t h at it

was noth in g l es s t h an th e bottoml es s p i t now b ecom e a ,

v ery real t erro r F o r th ou g h D a rwin l eft a p ath round

.

it f or h i s soul h i s follow ers p resently d u g it r i g h t ac ro s s

,

th e w h ol e width of th e way Y et f o r t h e m om ent t h er e

.
,

was not h in g but wild rej oicin g : a s o r t o f s ci entific maf

fick i n g . W e h ad b een s o o pp res s ed by th e notion t h at
ev eryth in t h at h a n d in t h w o ld w a t h a rbit r a r y
g pp e e e r s e

ers onal act o f an a rbit r a ry er s onal d of dan g r

p p g o e

o u sl
y j e alou s and c r u el p er s onal c h a r act er s o t h at ev en ,

th e reli e f of t h e p ain s of c h ildb ed and th e o p er atin g

tabl e by ch lo rofo rm was obj ect ed to as an int erferenc e
wit h hi s a rr an g em ent s wh ic h h e would p r obably res ent ,

th at we j u s t j um p ed at D a rwin Wh en N a po l eon was

.

a sk ed w hat w ould h app en wh en h e di ed h e s aid th at ,

E u r o p e would ex p res s i t s int en s e reli ef with a g reat

“O uf Well wh en D a rwin k ill ed th e g o d wh o obj ect ed
,

to ch lo rofo rm ev erybo dy wh o h ad ever t h ou g h t about it

,

s aid
“Ouf l ”
P al ey was bu ri ed fa t h om s d eep wit h h i s
watch now fully a c count ed f o r with out any di vin e a rti
,
xlviii B ack to M et hu s elah
fi cer at all W e w ere s o g lad to b e ri d of both t h at we
.

n ev er g ave a thou g h t to th e con sequ enc es W hen a .

r i s on er s ees t h e doo r of h i s dun eon o en h e da s h es

p g p ,

f or i
’
with out s to p p in g to thin k wh ere h e s h all get h i s
dinn e r out s id e T h e mom ent w e found th at we could do
.

wit h out S h ell ey s almi g h ty fi end int ell ectually h e w en t

’
,

into t h e g ulf t h at s ee m e d only a du s tbin with a s u d d en ~

n es s t h at mad e o ur own liv es o n e of th e mo s t a s toni s hin g

eri ods in h i s to ry If I h a d told th at uncl e of min e t h at
p .

with in t h i r ty y e a rs fro m the dat e of o ur conv ers ation

I sh ould b e ex p o s in g my s elf to s u s p icion s of th e g ro s s es t
s u er s tition by qu es tionin g t h e s u ffici ency of D a rwin ;
p
maintainin g th e r eality of th e H oly G h o s t ; and d ec l ar
i n g th at th e p h enom enon of t h e W o r d b ecomin g Fl esh
was occu rr in g daily h e would h av e reg a rd ed m e as t h e
,

mo s t ext r ava g ant madman o u r family h ad ev er p ro

du c ed .Y e t it was s o I u 1 9 0 6 I mi g h t h av e vitu p er
.

at ed J eh ova h mo re h e a rtily t han e v er S h ell ey did with out

elicitin a r ot es t in any ci r cl e of t h in k er s o r s h oc k in
g p , g
any p ublic audi en c e accu stom ed to mod ern dis cu s s ion ;
“
but wh en I d es c rib ed D a rwin as an int elli g ent and i n
”
d u s tri o u s p i g eon fanci er t h at bla s p h emou s l evity as it
, ,

see m e d was r e c e iv e d wit h h o rr o r and indi g nation

, T he .

tid e h as now tu rn ed ; and ev ery p uny wh i p s t er m ay s ay

wh at h e li k es abo ut D a rwin ; but anyon e wh o want s to
k now wh at it was to be a L ama r c k ian du rin g t h e la s t
qua rt er of t h e nin et eenth c entu ry h as only to read M r .

Fes tin g Jon es s m emoi r of S amu el B utl er to l e a r n h o w

’

com pl et ely e v en a man o f g eniu s could i solat e h im s elf by

anta g onizin g D a rwin on the o n e h and and the C hu rch
on th e ot her .

Wh y D arwin C on v ert ed th e C ro w d
I am w ell awa re th at in d es c ribin g the eff ect of D ar
win s di s cov ery on natu rali s t s and o n pe rs on s ca p abl e of
’ -
 B ac k t o M et hu s elah lix
se r iou s refl e ction on th e natu re and att ribut es of G od I ,

am l eavin g th e va s t ma s s of th e B r iti sh p ublic out of

account I h av e p oint ed out el sewh ere th at th e B riti s h
.

nation do es not con s i s t of at h ei s t s and P lymouth B roth

ers ; and I am not now oin to ret end t h at it ev er
g g p
con s i s t ed o f D a rwinian s and L ama r c k ian s T h e av era g e .

citiz en i s i rreli g iou s and un s ci entific : you tal k to h i m

about c rick et and g olf m a rk et p ric es and p a r ty p oliti e s
, ,

not about evolution and relativity t ran s ub s tantiatio n ,

an d p red e s tination N ot h in g will k nock into h i s h ea d

.

th e fat eful di s tinction b e tw een E volution as p ro m ul ~

g at ed by E r a smu s D a rwin and C i

, rcum s tantial
( so

call ed N atu r al ) S el ection as rev eal ed by h i s g rand s on .

Y e t th e d o ct rin e of C h a rl e s re ach e d h i m t h ou g h th e ,

d oct rin e of E r a s mu s h ad p a s s ed ov er h i s h ead W hy .

d i d not E ra s mu s D a rwin p op ula riz e t h e wo rd E voluti o n

as eff e ctiv ely as C h a rl es ?
T h e re a s on was I t h in k t h at C i rcum s tantial S el e ction
, ,

i s e a s i er to und ers tand mo re vi s ibl e and conc re t e t h an

, ,

L ama r c k ian evolution E v g l qti o n a s a p h i l o so phy an d

.
m
w

p yh s iolo
gy o f t h e wj l l 1M
m “ h ic h 65 11

b e a pp reh end e d only by a t r a and comp r e

hen s i v e th in k er . T h ou g h th e ph enom ena of u s e and
di s u s e of wantin g and t ryin g of th e manufactu re o f
, ,

w ei gh t lift ers and w res tl ers fr o m m en of o rdina ry

s t ren g t h are familia r enou g h as fact s
,
th ey are ex
,

t r emel y p uzzlin g as s ubj ect s o f t h ou g h t and l ead you ,

into m eta ph y s ic s th e mome nt you t ry to account f o r

th em B ut p i g eo n fanci ers do g fanci ers g a rd en ers
. , , ,

s tock breed ers , o r s tud g room s can und ers tand C i rcum
,

s tan t i al S el e ction b ecau s e it i s t h ei r bu s in ess to p roduc e

,

t ran s fo rmation by im p o s in g on flow ers and animal s a

S el e ction From W ith out All th at D arwin h ad to say
.

to th e m was th at th e m ere ch a p t er of accid en ts i s

alway s doin g on a h u g e s cal e wh at t h ey th em s elves are
1 B ack to M ethus elah
doin g on a v ery s mall s cal T h ere i s h a rdly a labo rer
e.

attach ed to an E n g li sh count ry h ou s e wh o h as not ta k en

a litt e r of kitt en s o r p upp i es to th e buck et and d rown ed ,

all of th em exc ep t th e o n e h e t h ink s t h e mos t p r omi sin g .

S uch a man h as noth in g to l e a r n about th e s u r vival of

t h e fitt es t e xc ep t th at it act s in mo re way s t h an h e h as
e t notic ed ; f o r h e k now s uit e w ell as you will find if
y q ,

you are not too p roud to tal k to h i m t h at t h i s s o r t of ,

s el ection o ccu rs natu rally

( in D a r win s s en s e
) too : t h at
’
,

f o r in stanc e a h a rd wint er will k ill o ff a w e a k ly ch ild as

,

t h e buc k e t k ill s o ff a w e a k ly p u p p y T h e n t h er e i s t h e
.

fa r m labo rer S h ak esp ear s T ouch s ton e a cou rt b red

.
’
,
-

fool was sh oc k ed to find i n th e sh ep h er d a natu ral

,

p h ilo s o h er
p and ,
O
p in ed t h at h e would b e damn ed f o r

th e p a r t h e too k in th e s exual s el ection of sh eep A s to .

th e p roduction of n ew s p eci es by t h e s el ection of va ri

at i o n s t h at i s no n ew s to you r g a r d en er
, N ow i .

ar e familia r wit h t h es e tl m es s es : th e
g p a . “ n
“ s o a “

th e fitt es t s exual s el e ct ion and va riation l e adin g to

, ,

T h at was t h e c t of D a rwin s p o p ula rity H e

s e re
’
.

n ev er p uzzl e d anyb ody If v ery f ew of u s h ave read

.

T h e O rg in of S p e ci es f r om en d to en d it i s not b e cau s e ,

it ov ertax es o ur mind but be cau s e we ta k e in th e wh ol e

,

ca s e and are p rep a red to ac c ep t it lon g b efo re we h av e

com e to th e en d of t h e innum erabl e in s tanc es and illu s
t r ati o n s of wh ich th e boo k mainly con s i s t s D a rwin .

be com es t ediou s i n th e m ann er o f a man wh o in s i s t s on

continuin g to p rov e hi s innoc enc e aft er h e h as been
acquitt ed You a s s u re hi m t h at the re i s not a s tain on
.

hi s ch a r act er and beg h i m to l eav e th e cou rt ; but h e

,

will not be cont ent with enou g h evid enc e : h e wi l l h av e

you li s t en t o all th e evidenc e t h at exi s t s in th e wo rld .

D a rwin s indu s try was eno rmou s Hi s p ati enc e h i s

’
.
,

ers ev eranc e h i s c o n s ei en ti o u sn es s re ach ed th e h uman

p ,
lii B ack to M et hus elah
accur acy t h at D a rwin “
h ad bani s h ed min d from the un i
v erse ; and ev e n attack ed D a rwin s p ers onal c h a racter
” ’
,

unabl e to b e a r th e fact t h at th e auth o r of s o abh o rrent

a doct rin e was an amiabl e and u p ri g h t man N ob ody .

would li st en to h i m H e was s o com p l et ely s ubm erg ed

.

by th e flowin g tid e of D a rwini s m th at wh e n D a rwin

want ed to cl ea r up th e mi s und ers tandin g on wh i c h B utl er
was b as m g h i s p ers onal attac k s D a rwin s f r i end s v ery
,
’
,

fooli shly and s nobb i sh ly p ers uad ed hi m t hat B utl er was

,

too ill condition ed and n eg l i g ibl e t o be an s wered T hat

-
.

t h ey could not reco g niz e in B utl er a man of g eniu s mat

t ered littl e : wh at did matt er was t h at th ey could not
und erstand th e p rovo cation und er wh ich h e was r a g in g .

T h ey actually r eg a rd e d th e bani s h m ent of mind f r om

t h e univ er s e as a g lo riou s e nli g h t enm ent and emanci p a
tion f o r w h i ch h e was i g no rantly un g rat e ful E v en now .
,

wh e n B utl er s emin enc e i s unch all en g ed and h i s b i

’
,

o
g pr a h er, M r
. F e s tin
g Jon es i s enj oyin
, g a vo g u e li k e

th at of B o s w ell o r L ock h a rt h i s m emo i rs sh ew h i m

,

r at h er as a s h o c k in g exam p l e of t h e bad cont r ov ers ial

mann ers of o u r count ry p a rs ona g es t han as a p ro ph et

wh o t ri ed to h ead u s back wh e n we w ere g aily dancin g
to o ur damnation ac ro s s th e rainbow b rid g e wh ich D ar
wi n i s m h ad t h ro wn ov e r th e g ulf w h ic h s ep a rat e s lif e
and h 0 p e from d e ath and d es p ai r W e w er e intell e ct
.

u all y intoxicat ed w ith t h at th e wo rld c ould

k é i t s el f w "
w
it h out “ desi g n purp o s;e sk ill f oi i n tel l i
W h

ort w
, ,

in
“ sh , i th out h f e W e compl ete l y ov erlook ed r

i ff ei en c e b e tw een th e m o d ification of s peci es by

'

ada p tation to th ei r envi ronm ent and th e a p p ea r anc e of

n ew s p e ci es : we j u s t t h re w in t h e wo r d
“ ”
va riation s o r
“
th e wo r d s p o rts ( fancy a m an o f s ci enc e tal k in g of an
”

fac to r as a s p o rt in s t ead of as x ! ) and l e ft

“accu mulat e” and account f o r th e di ff erenc e
S uch ph ra ses
 B ack to M et hus elah i
°

s e t us free to rev el in d emon s t ratin g to the V itali s t s and

B ibl e wo rs hi p p ers th at if we onc e admit th e exi s t enc e
of any k ind of fo rc e h owev er unintelli g ent and s t retch
, ,

out th e p a s t to unlimit ed tim e f o r s uch fo rc e to o p erat e

accidentally in t h at fo rc e may conc eivably by th e a ction
, ,

of C i rcu ms tantial S el e ction p roduc e a wo rld i n whi ch

,

ev ery functio n h as an o r an r fe ctly ada t ed to

g p e p p e r

fo rm it and t h erefo re p resent s every a p p ea r anc e of

,

h avin g be en d es i g n ed lik e P al ey s wat ch by a con s ciou s

,
’
,

and int elli g ent artifi c er f o r th e p u rp o s e W e took a .

e rv ers e l e a s u r e in a r uin wit h out t h e l ea s t s u s i c m n

p p g g , p
t h at we w ere r educin g ou r s elv es to ab su rdity t h at all ,

t he boo k s in th e B r iti sh M u s eum lib ra ry mi g h t h av e b een

w ritt en wo rd f o r wo rd as th ey s tand on th e sh elv es if n o
h uman bein g h ad ev er b ee n con s ciou s j u s t as th e t rees ,

s tand in th e fo res t doin g wond erful th in g s wit h out

con s ciou s n es s .

A nd th e D arwinian s w ent f ar b eyond d enyin g con

s c i o u s n ess to t re es .Wei s mann in s i s t e d t h at th e c h ic k
break s out of i ts eg g sh ell automatically ; t h at t h e but
t e rfly s p rin g in g into t he ai r to avoid th e p ounc e of th e
,
“
liza r d doe s not wi s h to avoid d eat h ; knows noth in g
,
”
about d eath wh at h as h a p p en ed be in g s im p ly th at a
,

fli gh t in s tinct evolv ed by C i rcum s tantial S el ection re act s

r om tly to a vi s ual im p re s s ion r oduc e d by t h e liza r d s
’
p p p
mov em ent Hi s p roof i s t h at th e butterfly imm ediat ely
.

s ettl es a g ain on th e flow e r and r ep e at s th e p er fo rmanc e

,

e v er y t im e t h e liza rd S p rin g s t h u s s h ewin g t h at it l e a rn s

,

e r e —
no th in g from exp i nc e and W ei s mann conclud es
,

i s n ot co n s ciou s of wh at it do es .

It sh ould h a rdly h ave es ca pe d s o cu riou s an ob s erv er

t h at wh en th e c at j um p s u p on th e dinn er tabl e and y o u ,

p u t it down , it in s tantly j um s u
p p a g ain and ,fin a l ly
e s tabli sh es i t s ri h t to a lac on t h clot h by convi ci
g p e e n n g
o u th at if you u t it down a h und red tim es i t will j um
y p p
 liv B ack to M et hu s elah
up a h und red and o n e ti me s ; s o t hat if you d es i re i t s
c om any a t dinn er you can h av e it only on i t s own t e rm s
p .

If Wei s mann really t h ou gh t t h at cat s act th u s with out

any co n s ciou s n es s o r any p u rp o s e imme diat e o r ult erior
, ,

h e mu s t h av e k nown v ery littl e about cat s B ut a

.

th o rou g h g oin g W ei s m an n i te if any s u ch s till s u rviv e

,

from t h o se mad day s would cont end th at I am n ot at

,

res ent n e c es s a r ily con s ciou s of w h at I am doin t h at

p g ;
my w ritin g of th es e lin es and you r readin g of th em
, ,

i are eff e ct s of C i r cum s tantial S el ect ion ; t h at I n eed k now

no mo re about D a rwini s m t h an a butt erfly k now s of a
liza r d s a pp etit e ; and th at th e p roof th at I actually am
’

doin g it uncon s ciou s ly i s t h a t as I h av e s p ent fo rty

y e a rs in w ritin g in t hi s fa sh ion with out as f ar as I can
,

roducin any vi s ibl e eff e ct on ublic o inion I

s ee , p g p p ,

mu s t b e incap abl e of l ea rnin g f rom exp eri enc e and am ,

th erefo re a m ere automaton A nd th e W ei sm an n i te

.

d emon s t r ation of th i s would of cou rs e b e an equally

uncon s ciou s eff ect of C i rcum s tantial S el ection .

D arwin ism N ot Fin ally R ef u tabl e

D o no t too h a s tily s ay th at th i s i s inconc eivabl e T o .

C i r cum s tantial S el ection all m e ch anical and c h emical

re action s ar e o s s ibl e r ovid e d you a c c e t th e eo l o
p , p p g
g i s t s es timat es of th e
’
g r eat a e of th e e a r th and t h ere
g ,

fo re allow tim e enou g h f o r th e ci rcum s tanc es to op erat e .

It i s t ru e t h at m ere s u rv ival of th e fitt es t in th e s t ru g gl e

f o r exi s t enc e p lus s exual s el ection fail as h o p el es s ly to
account f o r D a rw in s own life wo rk as f or my con qu es t
’

of th e bicycl e ; but wh o can prov e th at t h ere are not

oth er s oull es s facto rs un notic ed o r undi scovered wh i ch
, ,

only requi re ima g ination enou gh to fit th em t o th e ev o

l u ti o n of an automati c J es u s o r S h ak es p e a r ? Wh en a
man t ell s you th at you are a p roduct of C i r cum stantial
 B ac k to M et hus el ah lv
S el e ction ol ely you canno t finally di sp rove it You
s , .

can only t ell h i m o u t of the d ep ths of you r inn er con

v i c t i o n t h at h e i s a fool and a lia r B ut as t hi s th ou g h
.
,

B riti sh i s uncivil it i s wi s er to o ff er h i m t h e count er

, ,

a s s u ranc e t h at you are t h e p roduct of L amar ck ian

evolution , fo rm erly call ed Functional A d ap t ati qn and “v
ma n n a - s . i mG
- I.

n ew Sk e ati v a fi yo l uti on and ch all en g e h i m to di sp rov e

,

th at w h ic h h e can no mo re do t h an you can di s p rov e

,

C i rcum s tantial S el e ction both fo r c e s b ein g conc eivably

,

abl e to p roduc e anyth in g if you only g ive th em rop e

You may al s o d efy hi m to ac t f o r a s in g l e
t h e a s s um p tion t h at h e m ay s afely c r o s s O xfo rd
S t reet in a s tat e of uncon s ciou s n es s t ru s tin g to h i s ,

dod g in g refl ex es to react automatically and p rom p tly

enou h to th e vi s ual im res s ion r oduc e d by a moto r
g p p
b u s and th e audibl e im p re s sion p roduc e d by i ts h oot er
, .

B ut if you allow you rs elf to d efy h i m to explain any

a rticula r action of your s by C i rcum s tantial S el e ction
p ,

h e sh ould alway s b e abl e to find s om e exp lanation th at

will fit th e c a s e if only h e i s in g eniou s enou gh and g o es
f ar enou gh to find it . D a rwi n found s ev eral s uch ex
p lanation s in h i s cont r ov e rs i es A ny
. b od
y w h o really

wants to b eli ev e th at the univ ers e h as b een p roduc ed by

C i rcum s tantial S el ection cc o pe ratin g with a fo rc e as
-

inh uman as we conc eiv e m a g n eti s m to be can find a

lo g ical excu s e f o r h i s b eli e f if h e t ri es h a r d enou g h .

T h r ee B lin d M ic e
T h e s tul ti fi c ati o n and damnation wh ic h en s u ed are
illu s t r at e d by a com p a ri s on of th e e a s e and c er tainty
with w h ich B utl er s mind mov ed to h uman e and i n sp i r
’

i n g conclu s ion s with t h e g r ot es qu e s tu p iditi e s an d

c ru elti es of th e idl e and s illy cont r oversy wh ich a r o s e
amon g th e D a rwinian s as to wh ether acqui red h abit s
lvi B ack to M et hus elah
can be t ran smitt ed fro m p a rent s to o ff sp rin g C on s id er .
,

f o r exam p l e h o w W ei s mann s et to wo rk on t h at s ubj e ct

, .

A n E volutioni st with a liv e mind would fi rs t h ave

“
dr op p ed th e p o p ula r exp res s ion acqui red h abit s be ”
,

cau s e to an E volutioni s t t h ere are n o ot h er h abit s and

c an b e no oth ers a man b ein g only an ammb a wit h
,

acqui rem ent s H e would th en h av e con s idered ca refully

.

t h e p r oc es s by w h ic h h e h im s elf h ad acqui re d h i s h abit s .

H e would h av e a s s um ed t h at th e h abit s with w h ic h h e

was bo r n mu s t h av e b een ac qui red by a s imila r p roc es s .

H e would h av e k nown w h at a h abit i s : t h at i s an action ,

volunta rily att em p t ed until i t h as b ec om e mo re o r l es s

automatic and involunta ry ; and it would n ev er h ave
occu rred to h i m t h at inj u ri es o r accid ent s comin g f rom
e xt ernal s ou r c e s a ain t t h will of t h victim could
g s e e p os

s i bl es tabli s h a h abit : t h at f o r in s tanc e a family could

y , ,

acqu i re a h abit of b ein g kill ed in railway accid ent s .

A nd y et Wei s mann beg an to inv es ti g at e th e p oint by

b eh avin g li k e t h e butch er s wife in th e old catch H e
’
.

g o t a colony of mic e and cut o ff t h e ir t ail s

, T h en h e .

wait ed to s ee wh eth er t h eir c h ild ren would b e bo rn with ~

out tails T h ey w ere not as B utl er could h ave told h i m

.
,

b eforeh and H e t h en cut o ff th e c h ildren s tail s and

.
’
,

wait ed t o s ee wh et h er th e g randch ild ren would b e bo rn

with a t l ea s t r ath er s h o rt tail s T h ey w ere not as I
.
,

could h av e told hi m b e fo reh and S o with th e p ati enc e

.

and indu s t ry on w h ic h m en of s ci enc e p rid e t h em s elv es ,

h e cut o ff t h e g ran dch i l d ren s tail s too and wait ed ful l

’
, ,

of h 0 p e f o r th e bi rth o f cu rtail ed g re at g r andc h ild ren

,
-
.

B ut th ei r tail s w ere quit e u p to th e m a rk as any fool ,

could h av e t old h i m be fo reh and W ei s mann th en

.

g r av ely d rew th e inf erenc e t h at acqui red h abit s cannot

b e t r an smi tt ed A nd yet W ei s mann was not a bo rn

.

imb ecil e H e was an exc ep tionally cl ev er an d s tudiou s

.

man not wit h out ro ot s of imag ination and ph ilo s o phy in

,
 B ack to M et hus elah lvii
hi m w h ich D a rwini s m k ill ed as w eed s H ow was it t h at
.

h e did not s e e t h at h e was not ex p erim e ntin

g wit h h abit s

o r c h a r act er i s tic s at all ? H o w h ad h e ov erlook ed th e

g la r in
g fact t h at h i s ex erim ent h ad be e n t r i ed f o r man
p y
en e r ation s in C h ina o n t h e f eet of C h in e s e wom e n with
g
out p r oducin g th e s mall es t t end en cy o u t h ei r p a r t to be
bo rn with abno rmally s mall fee t ? H e mu s t h av k nown e

about th e bound feet ev en i f h e k n ew noth in g of the

o

mutilation s th e cli p p ed ea rs and doc k ed tail s p racti s ed

, ,

by d o g fanci ers and h o rs e b reed ers on many g en er ation s

of t h e unfo rtunat e animal s th ey d e al in S uc h ama z in g
.

blindn es s and s tu p idity on t h e p a rt of a man wh o was

natu rally n eith er blind n o r s tu p id i s a t ellin g illu s t r ation
of wh a t D a rwin unint entionally did to th e mind s of hi s
di s ci p l es by tu rnin g t h ei r att ention s o exclu s iv ely
towa rds th e p a r t play ed in E volution by a ccid ent and
viol enc e o p eratin g with enti re callou s n es s to s u fferin g
and s entim ent .

A vital conc ep tion of E volution would h av e tau gh t

Wei s mann t h a t biolo g ical p robl em s are not to b e s olv ed
by a ss ault s on mic e T h e s ci entific fo r m of h i s experi
.

m ent would h av e b een s om et hin g l ik e th i s Fi rs t h e

.
,

s h ould h av e rocu r e d a colony of m ic e h i hl y s u s c e tibl e

p g p
to hyp notic s u gg es tion H e s h ould th en h av e h y p notiz e d
.

t h em in to an u r g ent conviction th at the fat e of th e

mu s que wo rld d ep end ed on th e di s ap p ea ran ce of i ts t ail ,

j u s t as s om e an ci ent and forg ott en ex p erim ent er s eem s

to h av e convinc ed t h e cat s of th e I s l e of M an H avin g .

th u s mad e th e mic e d es i re to lo s e th ei r tail s wit h a life

o r d eat h int en s ity h e would v ery s oon h av e s ee n a f ew
-

mic e bo rn with littl e o r no tail . T h es e would b e reco g

n i z e d by th e ot h er mic e as s u p er io r b ein g s , and p rivi
l eg ed in th e divi s ion of food and in s exual s el ection .

Ult i m at ely th e tail ed mic e would b e p ut to d eath as

lviii B ack to M ethu s elah
mon st ers by th ei r fellows and t h e mi ra cl e of th e taill es s
,

mou s e comp l et ely ach i ev ed .

T h e obj e ction to t h i s ex p er im ent i s not tha t it s eem s

too funny to be ta k en s eri ou sly and i s not c ru el enou g h
,

to ov er aw e th e mob but s im p ly t h at it i s impo ss ibl e

,

b ecau s e t h e h uman exp erim ent er canno t g et at th e

mou s e s mind A nd t h at i s wh at i s w ron g with all t h e
’
.

ba rren c ru elti es of th e labo rato ri es D a rwin s follow ers

.
’

did not t h in k of th i s T h ei r only id e a of inv es ti g ation

.

“ ”
was to imitat e N atu re by p erp et r atin g viol ent and
s en s el es s c ru elti es
, and watc h th e eff e ct of th em with a
p a r alyzin g f at al i s m w h ic h fo rbad e t h e s m all es t eff o rt t o

us e t h ei r mi n ds in s t e ad of t h ei r k niv es an d ey es an d ,

es tabli s h ed an abominabl e t r adition t h at t h e man wh o

h e s itat es t o b e as c ru el as C i r cu m s tantial S el e ction it s elf

i s a t r aito r t o sc i enc e . Fo r W ei s mann s exp eri m ent ’

u p on t he mic e was a m ere j oke c omp a red to th e atr ociti es

committ ed by ot h er D a rwinian s in th ei r attem p t s to
p r ov e t h at mutilation s co ul d not b e t r an s mitt e d N o .

doubt th e wo rs t of th es e exp erim ent s w ere not really

ex erim ent s at all but c ru elti es commit ted by c r u el m en
p ,

wh o w er e att r act ed to t h e labo r ato ry by th e fact t h at it

was a s e c ret re fu g e l eft by law and p ublic s u p ers tition
f o r th e amat eu r of p ass iona te t o rtu re B ut th ere i s n o
.

re a s on to s u s p ec t W ei s mann of S adi sm C uttin g o ff t h e

.

t ail s of s ev eral g en eration s of mic e i s not volu p tuou s

enou h to t e m t a s ci entific N er o It wa s a m er e i ec e
g p .
p
of o ne ey edn es s ; and it was D arwin wh o p ut out Wei s
-

mann s h uman e and s en sibl e ey e H e blinded ma ny

’
.

anoth er eye and p a r aly z ed many anoth er will al s o E v er .

s inc e h e s et u
p C i r cum s tan t ial S el e ction as th e c re ato r

and ru l er of th e univ erse th e s c1 en t i fi c wo rld h as b een

,

th e v er y citad el of s tu p idity and c ru elty Fe a r ful as

.

t h e t ribal g od of t h e H eb rew s was nobody e v er s h ud ,

d ered as th ey p a ssed ev en h i s m ean es t and na rr owes t

‘
lx B ack to M et hus elah
su rvival and d ev elop m ent f o r c ertain p eriods and unde r
c ertain ci r cum s tanc es Fo r in s tanc e s inc e it i s the n u
.
,

g ov ernabl e
g lutton s w h o s t r iv e t h e h a r d e s t to g e t food
and d rin k th ei r eff o r t s would d ev elop th ei r s t ren g th and
,

cunnin g in a p eriod of s uc h s ca r city th at th e utmo s t

t h ey could d o would not enabl e th em to ov er eat t h em -

s elv es . B ut a c h an g e of ci r cum s tanc es involvin g a

p l entiful s u
pp ly of food w o uld d es t r oy t h em W e s ee .

t h i s v ery t h in g h a p p enin g oft en enou g h in th e ca s e of

th e h ealt hy and vi g o rou s p oo r man wh o b e com e s a mil
l i o n ai re by o n e of th e accid ent s of o ur com p etitiv e com
m er c e and imm ediat ely p roc eed s to d i g hi s g r av e with
,

hi s t e eth B ut t h e s elf cont r oll ed man s u rv iv es all s uc h

.
-

c h an g es of ci r cum s tanc e b ecau se h e ada p t s h im s elf to

,

th em and eat s n eit h er as much as h e can h old n o r as

,

littl e as h e can s c ra pe alon g on but as much as i s g o o d ,

f or hi m . W h at i s s elf c ont rol ? It i s not h in g but a

-

h i g hly d ev elo p e d vital s en s e dominatin g and reg ulatin g

,

th e m er e a pp e tit es T o ov erloo k t h e v er y e xi s t enc e of

.

t h i s s u p r em e s e n s e ; to mi s s th e obviou s inf ere nc e t h at it

i s th e quality t h at di s tin g ui s h es th e fitt es t t o s u rviv e ;

to o mit in sh o rt th e h i g h e s t mo r al clai m of E v ol u
, ,

ti o n ary S el e ction : all th i s w h ich t h e N eo D a rwinian s did

,
-

in t he nam e of N atu ral S el ection s h ew ed th e mo st ,

p itiabl e want of ma s t er y of t h ei r own s ubj e ct t h e dull ,

es t lac k of ob s ervation of th e fo rc e s u p o n w h ic h N atu r al

S el e ction wo rk s .

A S am p l e of L am arck o S h avian I n v ectiv e

-

T he V itali s t p h ilos o ph ers

m ad e n o s uch m i stak es .

N i etz s ch e f o r exam p l e t h in k in g out th e g reat c ent r al

, ,

t rut h o f th e W ill to P ow er in s t e ad of cuttin g o f mou s e

tail s h ad no difficulty in concludin g t h at th e final o h
,

ect i v e of t h i s W ill was p ow er ov er s elf and t h at h

j t e ,
 B ack to M eth us elah lxi
s ee k ers after po w er over ot h ers and mat erial p o s s es s ion s
w ere on a fal s e s c ent .

T h e s tulti fication natu rally b e cam e muc h wo r se as th e

fi rs t D a rwinian s di ed out T h e p res ti g e of t h es e
.

p ion e e rs wh o h ad th e old er evolutiona ry cultu re to build

,

on , and w ere in fact no mo re D a rwinian in th e m o d ern

s en s e t h an D a rwin h im s elf c ea s e d to dazzl e u s wh en
,

H u xl ey and T yndall and S p enc er and D a rwin p a s s e d

away and we w ere l eft wit h th e s mall er p e o p l e wh o b eg an
,

wit h D a rwin and too k in not h in g el s e A cco rdin g ly I .

,

find t h at in t h e y ea r 1 90 6 I indul g e d my t em p er by
h u rlin g inv ec tiv es at th e N eo D a rwinian s in th e f o l l o w
-

i n g t erms .

I re ally d o not wi s h to be abu s iv e ; but w h e n I t h ink

of t he se p oo r littl e dulla rd s with thei r p re ca riou s h old
,

of j u s t th at co rn er of evolution t h at a blac k beetl e can

und ers tand— with t h ei r retinu e of twop enny h alfpe nny -

T o rqu em ad as wallowin g in t h e infami es o f th e vivi

s ecto r s la b o r ato r y and s ol emnly o ffe rin g u s as ep och
’
,

makin g di s cov eri es t hei r d emon s t ration s th at do g s g et

w ea k er and d i e if you g ive t h em no food ; t h at i nt en s e
p ain ma k es mic e s w e at ; and t h at if you cut o ff a do
g s
’

l eg t h e t h r ee l eg g ed do g will h av e a fou r l eg g e d p u pp y
- -

I as k my s elf w h at s p ell h as fall e n on int elli g ent and

h um an e m en t h at th ey allow th em s elv es to b e im p o s ed
on by th i s r ab bl e of dolt s black g ua rd s im p o s t ers , , ,

quac k s lia rs and wo rs t of all c redul ou s con sci entiou s

, , , ,

fool s B ett er a t h ou s and tim e s M o s es and S p u rg eon [ a

.

th en famou s p reac h er] back a g ain A ft er all you can .

,

not und ers tand M o s es with out ima g ination n o r S p u r

g e on wit h out m eta p h y s ic s ; but you can b e a t h o r ou h
g
oin N eo D a rwinian wit h out im a g ination m e ta ph y s ic s
g g
-

, ,

p o e t r y c on s ci enc e o r d ec ency
, , F o r N atural S el e c tion;
.
‘
m M W ““ b aa
M y A; A
lxii B ack to M e t hus el ah
m o re
mi h t m app rop riat ely b e call ed ac c1 dental —s el e ction
g t ter s till U n natgygj S el ection s m ee nothin g i s
“
m u nu n 0 4

Ifl fl ” I
? M
M
..

w”
, ,

mo re unnatu r a l th an an acc i d ent If it could b e p r ov ed .

th at t h e wh ol e univer s e h ad b een p ro duc ed by s uch

”
S el ection only fool s and ra s cal s could bear t o liv e
, .

T h e Hum an itarian s an d th e P robl em of E vi l

Y et th e h umanita rians w ere as d eli gh t e d as anybody
with D a rwini s m at fi rs t T h ey h ad b een perpl ex ed by
.

t h e P robl e m of E vil and th e C ru elty of N atu re T h ey .

w ere S h ell eyan s , but n o t ath ei s t s T h o se wh o b eli ev ed

G
.

in od w ere at a t erribl e di s advan ta g e with t h e ath ei st .

T h ey could not d eny th e exi s t en c e of natu r al fact s s o

c ru el t h at t o attribut e t hem to th e wi ll of God i s t o mak e
G od a d emon B eli ef in G od was im p o s s ibl e to any
.

t h ou g h tful p ers on without beli ef in th e D evil as w ell .

T h e p aint ed D evil , with h i s h o rn s , h i s ba rb ed tail , and

h i s abod e of bu rnin g b rim s ton e, was an inc redibl e bo g ey ;
but th e evil att ribut ed to hi m was real enou g h ; and t h e
at h ei s ts a rg ued th at the auth o r of evil , i f h e exi s t s , mu s t
G
b e s t r on g enou gh to ov ercom e o d , el s e G od i s mo r ally
re sp on s ibl e f o r e v eryth in g h e p ermit s t h e D evil to d o .

N either conclu sion d eliv ere d u s f ro m t h e h o rr o r of

attributin g th e c ru elty of natu re to t h e wo rk in g s of an
e vil will o r could re concil e it with o ur imp ul ses t owa rds
,

j u s tic e m ercy and a h i gh er life

, , .

A comp l e t e d eliv eranc e was o ff ered by th e di s cov ery

of C i r cum s tantial S el ection : t h at i s to say o f a m eth o d ,

by wh ich h o rro r s h avin g ev ery a p p ea ranc e o f b ein g

elabo r at ely lann e d by s om e int elli g ent cont riv er are
p
only accid ent s with out any mo ral s i g n i ficanc e at all .

S u p p o s e a watch er f r om th e s ta r s s aw a fri g h tful acci e

d ent p roduc e d by two c rowded t rain s at full sp eed

c r a s h in
g into o n e anot h er ! H o w could h e conc eiv e t h at
 B ac k to M et hus elah lxi i i
a cata s troph e b rou g h t about by s uch elabo r at e ma
c h in ery s uc h in g eniou s p rep a r ation such s k ill ed d i rec
, ,

tion s uch vi g ilant indu s t ry was quit e unint e ntional ?

, ,

Would h e not conclud e t h at t h e s i g nal m en w ere d evil s ? -

Well C i r cumj i fi l l i l é l fi slfi fi o n 1 s la rg ely a t h eo ry of

, s

colli s ion s : t h at i s a t heo ry of th e innoc e nc e of mu ch

,

a p p a rently d esi g n ed devil ry In th i s way D a rwi n

.

b rou g h t inten s e reli e f as w ell as an enla rg ed k nowl e dg e

of facts to th e h umanita rian s H e d es t roy ed th e
omnip ot ence of G
.

od f o r t h e m ; but h e al s o exon er at ed

G od fr o m a h id e ou s c h a rg e of c ru elty G rant ed th at .

t h e comfo r t was s h a l low and t h at deep er r efl e ction was

,

bound to s h e w th at wo rs e th an all conc eivabl e d evil

deiti es is a blind d e af dumb h ea rtl es s sen s el es s mob of
, , , ,

fo rc es t h at s t ri k e as a t ree do es w h en i t i s blown down

by th e wind o r as th e t ree it s elf i s s tr uc k by li g h tnin g
, .

T h at did not o ccu r to t he h umanita rian s at th e mom ent

e o l e do not r efl e ct d ee ly wh en t h ey are in th e fi r s t
p p p
h a p p in e s s of es c a p e f r om an intol er ably o p p res s iv e
s ituation . L i k e B unyan s p il g r im t h ey could not s ee
’

th e wic k e t g at e n o r th e S lou g h of D es po nd n o r th e
, ,

ca s tl e of G iant D es p ai r ; but t h ey s aw t h e s h inin g li g h t

at th e en d of th e p a th an d s o s ta r t ed g aily towa rd s it as
,

E volutioni s t s .

behi n d E v ol uti o n i s o mni p ot ent only in th e s e n s e t h at

th e re seems no limit to i t s final a c h i ev em ent ; and if it
must m e an wh il e s t ru g g l e wi th matt er and ci rcum s tanc e
by th e me th od of t rial and erro r , t h en th e wo rld mu s t b e
full of i ts un s ucc es s ful expe rim ent s C h r i s t may m ee t .

a ti g er, o r a H i g h P ri e s t arm i n arm with a R oman - -

G ov erno r , and be t h e un fi ttest t o s u rviv e under th e c i r

c u m s t an c e s.M ozar t may h av e a g eniu s th at p revails
a g ain s t E m p ero r s and A rchbi sh o ps , and a lun g t h at
lxiv B ack to M e t hu s elah
succumb s to s om e ob s cu re and noxiou s p ro p erty of foul
ai r. If all o ur calamiti es are eith er accid ent s o r s inc erely
rep ent ed mi s ta k es, t h ere i s no malic e in the Cr u elty of
N atu re and no P robl em of E vil in th e V icto rian s en s e
at all T h e t h eolo g y of t h e wom en wh o told u s th at they
.

be cam e at h ei s t s w h en t h ey s at by th e c radl es of th ei r
c hild re n and s aw t h em s t ran g l e d by th e h and of G od i s
s ucc eed ed by t h e t h e olo y of B lanco P o s n e t wit h h i
g s
,
“It was e a rly day s w h en H e mad e th e c rou I u
p g es s, .

It was t h e b es t H e coul d t h in k of th en ; but wh en it

tu rn ed out w ron g on H i s h and s H e mad e you and m e
to fi g h t th e C roup f or Hi m .
”

H o w O n e To u ch D ar win M ak es th e
of

Wh ol e World K i n
A not her h umanita rian int eres t in D a rwini s m was th at
D a rwin p op ula riz ed E volution g en erally as w ell as ,

ma k in g h i s own sp ecial cont ribution to it N ow th e .

n e ral conc e tion of E volution r ovid e s t h e h umani

g e
p p
tarian with a s ci entific ba s i s b ecau s e it establi s h es th e
,

fundam ental equality of all livin g th in g s It mak es th e

.

k illin g of an animal mu rd er in exactly th e s am e s en s e

as t h e k illin g o f a man i s mu r d er It i s s om etim es mec es
.

s a ry to k ill m en as it i s alway s n ec es s a ry t o k ill ti g ers ;

but th e old t h eo retic di s tinction b e tween th e two act s h as

been oblit erat ed by E volution Wh en I was a ch ild and
.

was told th at o u r d o g and o ur p a r rot with wh om I was

,

on i ntimat e t erms w ere not c re atu res li k e my self but

, ,

w ere b rutal wh il s t I was re a s onabl e I not only did not

,

beli ev e it but quit e con s ciou ly and int ell ectually fo rm ed

,
s

t h e o p inion t h at t h e di s tinction was fal s e ; s o t h at aft er ~

wa rd s whe n D a rwin s vi ew s w ere fi rs t unfold ed to m e I

,
’
,

r om tly s aid t h at I h ad found out all t h at f o r my elf s

p p
b efo re I was ten y ea rs old ; and I am f ar f rom s u re t hat
 B ack to M ethus elah lxv
my youth ful a rro g anc e was not j u s t i fi ed ; f o r th i s sen s e
of the k in s h ip of all fo rm s of lif e i s all t ha t i s n eed ed to
ma k e E volution not only a conc eivabl e t h eo ry but an ,

in s p i rin g o ne S t A nth ony w as ri p e f o r th e E volution

. .

th eor y wh en h e p reach ed to th e fi s h es and S t Franci s , .

wh en h e call ed th e bi rd s h i s littl e b rot h er s O u r vanity.

,

and o u r s nobbi sh conc ep tion of G od h ead as b ein g li k e ,

e a rt h ly k in g s h i u re m e cla s s di s tinction in s t e ad of
, p a ps

t h e r oc k on w h ic h E quality i s b uilt h ad l e d u s to in s i s t
,

on G od o ff e rin g u s s p ecial t erm s by placin g us a p a rt

from and abov e all th e re s t of hi s c reatu res E volution .

took t h at conc eit out of us ; and now t h ou g h we may ,

k ill a fle a wit h out t he s m a ll es t remo rs e we at al l ev ent s

,

k no wth at w e ar e k illin g o u r cou s in N o doubt it sh ock s

.

t h e fle a w h e n t h e c reatu r e t h at an almi g h ty C el es tial

Fl ea c re at e d e x p res s ly f o r th e food of fl e a s d es t roy s th e

,

j um p in g lo rd of c r eation wi th h i s s ha rp and eno rmou s

t humbnail ; but no flea will ev er b e s o fooli sh as to p r e ach
th at in s layin g fl e a s M an i s a p p lyin g a m eth od of
N atu ral S el ection wh ich will finally evolv e a flea s o s wift
th at n o man can catc h h i m and s o h a rdy of con s titution
,

th a t In s ect P owd er will h av e no mo re effect on h i m t h an

s t ryc h nin e on an el e h an t
p .

W h y D ar win P l eas ed th e S ociali s t s

T h e H umanita r ian s w ere not alon e amon g th e agi
tat o rs in t h ei r w elcom e to D a rwin H e h ad th e luc k to
.

p l e a s e ev erybody wh o h ad an ax e to g rind T h e mili .

t ari s t s w e re as ent h u s ia s tic as t h e H u m an i t ari an s th e

'

S ociali s ts as th e C a p itali s t s . T h e S ocialis t s w ere

s e cially encou r a g e d by D a r win s in s i s t enc e on th e i n flu
’
p
enc e of envi ronm ent P erh ap s th e s t ron ge s t mo ral
.

bulwa rk of C a p itali s m i s th e b eli ef in t h e efficac y of

i ndividual ri g h t e ou s n es s. R obe rt Ow e n mad e d es p e r at e
lxvi B ack to M ethu sel ah
ef fo rt s to convinc e E n g land th at h er c riminal s h er ,

d run k a rd s h er i gn o r ant and s tup id m a s s es w ere th e

, ,

victi ms of ci rcum s tanc e : th at i f we would only establi s h

hi s n ew mo ral wo rld we s h ould find t h a t t h e mass es bo rn
into an educat ed and mo raliz ed community would b e
t h ems elv es educat e d and mo raliz ed T h e s toc k reply t o
.

t h i s i s to b e found in L ewes s L ife of G o et h e L ew es

’
.

s co rn ed th e notion t h at ci rcum s tanc es ov ern c h a r act er

g .

H e p oint ed to th e va r i ety of ch a r act er in t h e g ov ernin g

r ic h cla s s to r ov e th e cont ra r y S imila rity of ci r cum
p .

s tanc e can h a rdly b e ca rr i ed to a mo re d es olatin d e ad

g
l ev el th an in t h e ca s e of th e individual s wh o are bo rn and
bred in E n g li sh count ry h ou s es and s ent fi rs t t o E ton
,

o r H a r r ow , and th en to O xford o r C amb rid g e to h av e ,

t h ei r mind s and h abit s fo rm ed S uc h a routin e would

.

d es t roy individuality if anyth in g could Y et individ .

u al s com e out f ro m it as di ff e rent as P itt f r om F o x as ,

L o r d R u s s ell fro m Lo rd C urzon as M r W in s ton , .

C h u rch ill f r om L o r d R obert C ecil T hi s acc ep tanc e of

.

t h e con g e nital c h a r act er of th e individual as th e d et er

minin g facto r in h is d es tiny h ad b een reinfo rced by th e
L ama r c k ian vi ew of E volution If th e g i r a ff e can
.

d ev elo p h i s n ec k by wantin g and t ryin g a man can ,

d evelo p h i s ch a r act er in th e s am e way T h e old s ayin g .

,
”
Wh ere th ere i s a will t h ere i s a way conden s es
, ,

L ama r ck s t h eo ry of functional adap tation into a

’

b racin g ly mo ral t o s t r on g minds ,

and rea s s urin g ly p iou s to feebl e on es T h ere was n o .

mo re eff ectiv e reto r t t o th e S ocialis t th an t o t ell h i m to

r e fo rm h im s elf b e fo re h e ret end s to r efo rm s oci ety If
p .

you w ere rich h o w pl ea s ant it was to feel t hat you ow ed

,

you r r ich es to th e s u p erio rity of you r own ch a ra ct er !

T h e indu s t r ial revolution h ad tu rn e d numb ers of g reedy
dullards into mon s trou sly rich m en N oth in g could b e .

mo re h umiliatin g and t h reatenin g to th em t h an the

 D ar win an d K arl M arx
B es id es th e S ocia l i st s h ad an evolutiona ry p ro p h et of
,

t h ei r own who h ad di s c redit ed M anc h es t er as D a rwin

,

di s credit ed th e G a rd en of E d en K a rl M a rx had p ro
.

claim ed in hi s C ommuni s t M anifes to of 1 848 ( now

e nj oyin S c ri tu r al aut h o rity in R u s s ia t h at civiliza
g p )
tion i s an o rg ani s m evolvin g i rres i s tibly b y ci rcum
s t an ti al s el ection ; and h e ubli sh e d t h e fi r s t volum e of
p
h i s D as K a p ital in 1 8 6 7 .T h e revolt ag a i n s t “anth ro p o
M w
a - U. ""M . “w -
fl
a m . M

idolat ry w h ic h was as we h av e s een t h e s ec ret

, , ,

pi ra f udal
pyp
e f t ba
h er on s ,

! sears
re u t ta co rru t e d by an
y p
i fi c ati on of s ucc ess in life wit h
bi g p rofit s T h e m om ent M a rx s h ew ed t h at th e relation
.

of th e bou r g e oi s i e to s oci ety was g ro s sly immo ral and

di s a s trou s and t h at th e wh it e d wall of sta r ch ed sh ir t
,

f ront s conc eal ed and d efend ed t h e mo s t infamou s of all

tyr anni es and th e ba s es t of all r obb eri es h e b ec am e an ,

in s p i re d p ro ph et in th e mind of ev er y g en er ou s s oul
wh o m h i s book reach ed H e h ad s aid and p rov ed w h at
.

t hey want ed to h av e p rov ed ; and t h ey would hear

noth in g a g ain s t hi m N ow M a r x was by no m ean s
.

infallibl e : h i s economic s h alf bo rrow ed and h alf h om e

, ,

mad e by a lit er a ry amat eu r w ere not wh en s trictly fol

, ,

lowed up ev en favo rabl e to S o ciali s m Hi s th eo ry of

,
.

civilization h ad b een p r omul g at ed al re ady in B uck l e s ’

H l s t o ry of C ivilization a boo k as ep och ma k in g in th e

,
-

mind s of i ts re ad er s as D as K a p ital T h ere was noth in g .

about S ociali s m in th e wid ely read fi rs t volum e of D as

Ka p ital : ev ery referenc e it m ad e to wo rk ers and cap i
t al i s t s sh ew ed t h at M a rx h ad n ev e r b reat h e d indu s t rial
 B ack to M ethus elah lxix
ai r, and h ad dug hi s ca s e out of blu ebo o k s in th e B riti s h
M u s eum C omp a red to D a rwin h e s eem ed to h ave no
.
,

p ow er of ob s er vation : t h e r e was not a fact in D a s

K ap ital th at h ad not been ta k en out of a boo k n o r a ,

d i s cu s s ion t h at h ad not b een o p en e d by s om ebody el s e s ’

p am p h l et N o matt . er : h e e x o s ed t h e bou r eoi s i e and

p g
mad e an en d of i ts mo ral pres ti g e T h at was enou g h : .

lik e D a rwin h e h ad f o r th e m om ent t h e Wo rld W ill by

th e e ar M a rx h ad too wh at D a rwin h ad not : i m
.
, ,

p lacability and a fi n e J ewi s h lit era ry

g ift wit h t e r ribl e ,

p ow ers of h at red inv e ctiv e i rony , and all t h e bitt er, ,

q ualiti es b red fi rs t in t h e o , pp res s ion of a r at h er

p am
p ered youn
g g e niu s ( M a r x was th e s oilt ch ild of a
p
w ell to do family ) by a s ocial s y s t em utt erly u n c o n
- -

enial to h i m and lat er on by e xil e and ov e rty T h u

g , p s .

M a rx and D a rwin between t h em to p p l ed ov er two clo s ely

r elat ed idol s and be cam e t h e p ro p h e t s of two n e w c reed s
, .

Wh y D ar w in P l eas ed th e P ro fi teers Al s o
B ut h o w at t hi s rat e did D a rwin s ucc d with t h e
, ,
ee

c a itali s t s too ? It i s not e a s y to ma k e th e b es t of bot h

p
wo rlds wh en o n e of the wo rld s i p r eac h in g a C la s W ar s s ,

and th e ot h er vi g o rou s ly p racti s in g it T h e ex planation .

i s t h at D a rwini s m w as s o clo s ly r lat e d to C a p itali s m e e

t h at Ma r x reg a rd e d it as an economic p r oduct r at h e r

“

th an as a biolo g ical th e h i s m ain

avail a
Q nm

bl e
. . ‘h .

bi sh op Us sh er s
” C o:
’
B ib i g
l c k es t i ma t e o f i h e a g e afl fll e e a rt h
as 4 0m0 4 lu s A D T h e t r eati s es of th e R ica r d i an
i n . p i Q ifl
.
K - h
.
fi

e conomi s t s on t he L aw of D imini sh in g R etu rn wh ic h ,

lxx B ack t o M et hu s elah
was only M anch es t er S ch ool s v ers ion o f t h e g i ra ffe
th e
’

and th e tr ees w ere all v ery fi erc ely di s cu s s ed wh en

,

D a rwin was a youn g man In fact th e di scov ery in t h e .

ei h t ee nt h c entu ry by th e F r ench P hy s ioc r at s of th e

g
e conomic effe ct s of C omm er cial S el e ction in s oil s and

s it es and by M al th u s w c dm tfdfifi o r s ubs i s t enc e

fl

wh ich h e att ribut e d to p ress u r e of p op ulation on avail

abl e s ub s i s t enc e h ad al re ady b rou g h t p olitical s ci enc e
,

into t h at unb reat h abl e atmo sph ere of fatali s m w hich i s

t h e c h a r act eri s tic bli g h t of D a rwini s m L on g b e fo re .

D a rwin p ubli sh ed a lin e th e R ica rdo M alt h u s ian e c o n o

,
-

mi s t s w ere p reach in g th e fatali s tic W a g es Fund doc

t rin e and a s s u rin g th e wo rk ers th at T rade Unioni s m i s
,

a vain d efianc e of th e i n exo rabl e law s o f p olitic al

e conomy ,j u s t as th e N eo D a rwinian s w er e p resently
-

a s s u rin g u s t h at T em p eranc e L eg i slatio n i s a vain d e

fianc e of N atu ral S el ection and th at th e t ru e way to ,

d e al wit h d run k enn es s i s to fl o od th e count ry with c h ea p

g i n and l et th e fitt e s t s u rviv e C obd eni s m i s aft er all
.
, ,

noth in g b ut th e abando nm ent of t rad e to C i rcum s tantial

S el ection .

p o ss ibl e to e xa g erat e th e im o r tanc e of

g p
t h i s p rep a r ation f o r D a rwini s m by a va s t p olitical and
cl erical p r op a g anda of i ts mo r al atmo s ph ere N ev er in .

h i s to r y as f ar as we k no w h ad t h ere b een s uch a d et er

, ,

min ed richly s ubs idiz ed po litically o rg ani z e d att em p t

, ,

h e h uma n r ac e t h at all p ro g res s all ,

s alvation individual and s ocial depend

, ,

on an un res tr ain ed conflict f o r food and mon ey o n th e ,

su r es s ion and eli minati on of th e w e ak by t h e s t ron g

pp ,

on Free T r ad e Free C ontract Free C omp etition N at

“
, , ,

u r al L iber ty L ai s ser fai re : in sh o rt o n doin g th e

,
-

,
”
oth er fellow down with imp unity all int er ferenc e by a ,

g uidin g g ov ernm ent all o

, r anization
g exc ep t
p olic e

o rg anization to p ro t ect l eg ali z ed fr aud a g ain s t fi s ti cuff s ,

 B ack to M ethu s elah l x xi
all att emp t to i ntroduc e h uman p u rp o s e and d es i g n and
“
fo re th ou g h t into t h e indu s trial w elt er b ein g contra ry
to t h e laws of p olitical e conomy ”
E v e n t h e p rol eta riat
.

s ym at h i z ed t h ou h to t h em C a itali s t lib e rty m eant

p , g p
only wa g e s lavery with out th e l eg al s afeg ua rd s of
c h attel slav ery P eo p l e we re ti red of g ov ernm ent s and
.

k in g s and p ri es t s and p r ovidenc es and want ed t o find

,

out h o w N atu re would a rr an g e matt ers if s h e w ere l et

alon e A nd th ey found it out to thei r co s t in th e day s
.

wh en L anca sh i re u s ed up nin e g en eration s of wa g e s lav es

in o n e g en er ation of t h ei r ma s t ers B ut th ei r ma s t ers
.
,

becomin g ric h er and ric h er w ere v ery w ell s ati sfi ed ; and

,

B as t i at p rov ed convincin g ly th at N atu r e h ad a rr an g ed

E conomic H a rmoni es w hi ch would s e ttl e s ocial qu es tion s
f ar b ett er t h an t h eo c raci e s o r a ri s toc r a ci es o r moh m
o raci es th e re al d ens em mac h i na be in g un res t rain ed
,

p lutoc r acy .

T h e P o e t ry an d P urity of M at erialis m
T hu s th e ta rs in th ei r cou rs es fou g h t f o r D arwin
s .

E v ery faction d rew a mo ral from h i m ; ev ery cath olic

h at er of faction found e d a h o p e on h i m ; ev ery black
g ua rd felt j u stifi ed by h i m ; and e v ery s aint f elt en

c o u r ag e d by h i m T h e notion t ha t any h a rm could

.

come of s o sp l endid an enl i ght enm ent s eem ed as s illy as

th e no tion t h at th e ath ei st s would s t e al all o ur s p oon s .

T h e p h y s ici s t s w ent fu rt h er t h an th e D a rwinian s .

T yndall de cla re d th at h e s aw in M att er t h e p romi s e

and p ot ency of all fo rm s of lif e and with h i s I ri sh
,

r a h i c lucidity mad e a p ictu re of a wo rld of ma n e tic

g p g
atoms e ach atom with a p o s itiv e and a n eg ativ e p ol e
, ,

a rr an g in g i ts elf by att r action and rep ul s ion in o rd erly

c ry s tallin e s t ructu re S uch a p ictu re i s dan g er ou sly
.

fa s cinatin g to th ink ers o pp res s ed by th e bloody d i s '

 xii B ack to M ethu s elah
o rd ers of t he livin g wo rld C ravin g f o r p u rer s ubj ec ts
.

of t h ou g h t t h ey find in th e cont emp lation of c ry s tal s

,

and ma g n e t s a h ap p in es s mo re d ramatic and l es s ch ildi sh

t h an th e h a p p in es s found by th e m at h ematician s in
ab s t r act numb ers b e cau s e t h ey s ee in th e c ry s tal s b eauty
,

and mov em en t with out th e co rru p tin g ap p etit es of

fles hl y vitality In s uch M at eriali s m as t h at of
.

L uc re tiu s and T yndall t h ere i s a nobil ity wh ich p roduc es

o e t ry : Jo h n D avid s on found h i s h i h es t in s i ration in it
p g p .

E v en i ts p e5 5 1m 1 sm as it fac e s th e coolin g of t h e s u n and

th e retu r n of th e i c e ca p s do es not d eg r ad e th e p e s s imi s t :
f o r exam p l e t h e Quincy A d am s es wit h t h ei r in s i st enc e
, ,

on mod ern d emoc ratic d eg radation as an in evitabl e

res ult of s ola r s h rin k a g e ar e not d eh umani z e d as th e
,

vivi s ectioni st s are P erh a p s nobod y i s at h ea rt fool

.

enou g h t o b eli ev e t h at lif e i s at th e m er cy of t em p e r a

tu re : D ant e w as not t roubl e d by th e obj e ction th at

B run etto could not h av e liv ed in th e fi re n o r Ug olino in
th e i c e .

B ut th e ph y s ici s t s found t h ei r int ell e ctual vi s ion of

th e wo rld incommunicabl e to t h os e wh o w r e n o t bo rn e

with it It cam e to th e p ublic s im ply as M at eriali s m ;

.

and M at eriali s m lo s t i t s p ec ulia r p u rity and di g nity

wh en it ent ere d into the D a rwinian reaction a g ain s t
B ibl e fetic h i s m B etwee n th e two o f t h em reli g ion was
.

k noc k e d to p i e c es ; and w h ere t h ere h ad been a g o d a ,

cau s e a faith th at t h e univ ers e was o r dered h ow ever

,

in exp licabl e by u s i t s o rder mi g h t b e and t here fo re a

,

s en s e of mo r al r es p on s ibility as p a rt of t h at o r d er t h ere,

was now an utt er void C h ao s h ad co m e a g ain T h e

. .

fi rs t effect was exh ilaratin g : we h ad th e runaway ch ild s ’

se n s e of f r eedom b efo r e it g et s h un g ry and lon ely and

fri g h t en ed In thi s ph a se we did not d es i re o u r G

. od

back a g ain W e p rint ed t h e v ers es in wh ich W illiam

.

B la k e th e mo s t reli g iou s of our g reat po et s called th e

, ,
 B ack to l VI ethus el ah lxxi i i-

anth rop omo rp hic idol O ld N obo y and g ib ed at h i m

,

i n t erm s w h ic h t h e rint e r h ad to l e av e u s to u es s fr om
p g
hi s blank s p ac es W e h ad h ea r d th e p a r s on d r onin g t h at
.

G od i s not moc k ed ; and it was g reat fun to mock H i m

to o ur h ea r t s cont ent and not b e a p enny th e wo rs e I t
’
.

did n o t oc cu r to u s t h at Old N o bod addy in s t ead of ,

b ein g a ridiculou s fiction mi g h t be only an im p o s t er and

, ,

th at th e exp o s u re of th i s Ko ep en ik C ap tain of t h e
he av en s f ar fro m p rovin g th at t h ere w as no real c ap
,

tain r at h er p rov ed th e contra ry : th at in s h o rt N obo

, , ,

daddy coul d not h av e impers on at ed anybody if t h ere

h ad not b een S o m eb o d ad dy to im p e rs onat e W e di d not
.

s ee t h e s i g nificance of th e fa ct t h at on th e la s t occa s ion

on wh ic h G od h ad b ee n ex e ll ed wit h a
p p itc h fo rk
”
m e n ,

s o di fferent as V oltai re and R obe s p i er re h ad s aid th e o n e ,

t h at if G od did not exi s t it would be n ec ess a ry to inv ent

hi m and th e oth er t h at aft er an h on es t a tt em p t to d i s
,

en s e wit h a S u p rem e B ein in r actical olitic s om e

p g p p s ,

s uc h h y ot h es i s h ad b een fo und quit e indi s p en s abl e and

p
could not b e rep lac ed by a m ere G
,

odd es s of R e a s on If .

t hes e two o p inion s w ere quot ed at all t h ey w ere quot ed

,

as j o k es at th e ex pe n s e of N o b o d addy .W e w ere quit e

s u re f o r t h e mom ent t h at wh at ev er lin g erin g s u p er

s ti ti o n mi g h t h av e daunt e d t h e s e m en of th e ei g h t ee nt h

c entu ry we D a rwinian s could do with out G od and h ad

, ,

mad e a g ood r iddanc e of h i m .

T he V i c eroys o f th e K in g o f K in g s
N ow in p olitic s i t i s mu ch ea s i er to do with out G od
th an to do with out hi s vic ero y s and vica rs and li eu
t enant s ; and we beg in to mi s s th e li eut e nant s lon g be fo e r

we b eg in to mi s s t h ei r p rinci p al R oman C at h olic do

. s

wh at t h ei r confes s o rs advi s e with out t r oublin g G od ; and

R oyali s t s are cont ent to wo rsh i p th e K in g and as k th e
 xxiv B ack to M et hus el ah
p olic eman . B ut G od s t r u s ti es t li eut enant s oft en lack
’

official c r ed ential s T h ey may b e p rofes s e d ath ei s t s wh o

.

are al s o m en of h ono r and h i g h p ublic s p i r it T h e old .

b eli e f t h at it m att ers dreadfully to G od wh e th er a m an

t h ink s h im s elf an at h ei s t o r not and th at th e ext ent to
,

wh ich it matt ers can b e s tat e d with e xactn es s as on e

s in g l e damn was an err o r ; f o r t h e divinity i s in th e
,

hono r and p ublic sp i rit not in th e mout h ed cr ed o o r n on

,

c redo . T h e con s equ enc e s of t h i s er r o r b ecam e g r av e

wh en th e fitn es s of a man f o r p ublic t r u s t w as t es t ed ,

not by h i s h ono r and p ublic sp i rit but by a sk in g h i m ,

whe th er h e b eli eve d in N ob o dad dy o r not If h e s aid .

es h e was h eld fi t to b e a P rim e M ini s t er t h ou g h a s

y , , ,

o u r abl es t C h u r c hm an h as s aid th e r eal im p lication w as

,

t h at h e was eit h er a fool a bi g ot o r a lia r D a rwin

, , .

d es t r oyed t h i s t es t ; but wh en it was o nly th ou g h tl e s sly

d rop p ed t h ere was n o t es t at all ; and t h e doo r to p ublic
,

t ru s t was o p en to th e man wh o h ad no s en s e o f G od
b e cau s e h e h ad n o s en s e of anyth in g b eyond h i s own
bu s in es s int ere s t s and p er s onal a pp etit e s and ambition s .

A s a r esult t h e p eo pl e wh o did not feel in th e l e a s t i n

,

conv eni enc ed by b ein g no lon g er g ov ern ed by N o b od ad dy

s oon found th em selv es v ery acu t ely inconv e ni enc ed by

bein g g ov ern ed by fool s and comm er cial a dv e ntu rers .

T h ey h ad fo rg ott en not only G od but G old s mit h wh o ,

“
had wa rn ed t h em t h at h ono r s in k s w h ere com m e rc e lon
w g
p r ev ail s

T h e li eut enant s o f G od are not alway s p ers on s : s om e

of them are l eg al and p a rliame nta r y fiction s O n e of .

t h em i s P ublic Op inion T h e p re D a rwinian s tat es m en

.
-

and p ublici s t s w er e not rest r ain ed di rectly by God ; but

t h ey r es t r ain ed th em s elv es by s ettin g up an ima g e of a
P ublic O p inion wh ich would not tol erat e any att em p t to
tam p er with B riti sh lib erti es T h ei r favo rite way o f
.

uttin it w as t h at any G ov ernm ent w h ich p r o p o s ed

p g
lxxvi B ack to M et hus elah
t en an ce f o r a fo r tni g h t : t h at i s until th e t erm s of th e
,

e xcu s e are fo r ott en T h o l untau h t m i

g . e p p
e e
g , o r s

tau g h t are s o i g n o rant and incap abl e p olitically th a t

,

th i s in it s elf would not g re atly matt er ; f o r a s tat es man

wh o told t h em t h e t rut h woul d n o t b e und ers to o d and ,

would in eff ect mi sl ead th em mo re co m pl etely th an if h e

d ealt with th em acco rdin g to th ei r blindn es s in s t e ad of
to h i s own wi s dom B ut th ou g h t h e re i s n o di ff er enc e
.

in t h i s r esp ect betw een th e b es t d ema g o g u e and th e

wo rs t bot h of t h em h avin g to p resent t h ei r ca s es equally
,

in t erm s of m elo d r ama th ere i s all t h e di ff e renc e i n

-

th e wo rld b etw een th e s tat esman wh o i s h u mbu g g in g t h e

p pe o l e into allowin
g h i m t o do t h e will of G od in w h
, at
ev er di s g ui se i t may com e to h i m and o n e wh o i s h u m
,

bu g g in g th em into fu rth erin g h i s p ers onal ambition and

t h e comm ercial int e res t s o f t h e p lutoc r at s wh o own th e
n ew s p ap ers and s u pp o rt h i m on recip rocal t e rm s A nd .

t here i s almo s t as g reat a di ff erenc e b e tw een th e s tat es

man wh o does t h i s naiv ely and automatically o r ev en ,

do es it t ell in g h im s elf t h at h e i s ambitiou s and s elfi sh

and un s c ru p ulou s and th e o n e wh o do es it on p rinci pl e
, ,

b eli evin g th at if ev eryon e ta k es th e lin e of l ea s t mat e

rial res i s tanc e t h e r es ult will b e th e s u rvival of th e fitt es t

in a p erf ectly h a rmoniou s univ ers e O nc e p roduc e an .

atmo s ph ere of fatali s m on p rinci p l e and it matt er s littl e

,

wh at th e o p inion s o r s u p ers tition s of t h e individual

stat es m e n conc ern e d may b e A K ai s er wh o i s a d evout
.

r ead er of s erm on s a P r im e M ini s t er wh o i s an e motional

,

s in er of h ymn s and a G en er al wh o i s a bi g ot e d R oman

g ,

C at h olic may b e th e ex ecutant s of th e po licy ; but th e

o licy it s elf will b e o n e o f un p rinci p l e d o p p o r tuni s m ;
p
and all t h e G overnm ent s wi l l b e lik e th e t ram p wh o wal k s
alway s with th e wind and en ds as a p au p er o r th e s ton e ,

t h at roll s down th e h ill and end s as an avalanch e : t h ei r

way i s th e way to d es t ruction .
 B ac k to M eth us elah l xx v n

T h e B etrayal of Wes t ern C ivili z atio n

Within s ixty y ea rs f rom t h e p ublication of D a rwin s ’

Or i g i n of S p e ci es p olitical Op p o rtuni s m h ad b rou g h t

p a rli am ent s i nto cont em t ; c re at e d a
p o
p p ul a r d emand f or

di r ect action by t h e o rg aniz ed i ndu s t ri es ( S yndical “

i s m ) and wr ec k e d th e c ent re of E u ro p e i n a p a r oxy s m
”

of th at ch ronic t err o r of o ne another t h at cowa rdic e of,

th e irrel i g iou s wh ic h ma s k ed in th e b r avado of mil

, ,

i t ari s t p at rioti s m h ad ridd en th e P ow er s li k e a ni g h t

,

ma re s ince the F ranc o P ru s s ian w ar of 1 87 0—7 1 T he

-
.

s tur dy old co s mo olitan L ibe r ali s m vani s h ed a l mo s t un

p
n otic ed . A t th e p r esent mom en t all th e n ew o rdinanc es
f o r th e g ov er nm ent of o u r C r own C oloni e s contain as a ,

matt er of cou rs e p ro h ibition s of all c ritici s m s p o k en

, ,

o r w ritt e n , of t h ei r rulin g o fficial s wh ich would h ave

,

s candaliz e d Geo r e III and elicit ed L i b e r al am hl et s

g p p
from C ath erin e II S tat es m en are afr aid of th e s ubu rb s
.
,

of t h e n ewsp a p ers of th e p ro fiteers of th e di p lomati s t s

, , ,

of th e milita ri s t s of th e count ry h ou s es of t h e t rad e

, ,

union s of e v eryth in g ep h m era l o n e a rth exc ep t th e

, e

r evolution s t h ey are p rovo k in g ; an d t h ey would be

afraid of t h es e if t h ey w ere not too i g no rant of s oci ety
and h i s to ry t o a pp re ciat e t h e ri s k and to k now t h at a
,

revolution al way s s eems h o pe l e s s an d im p o ss ibl e t h e day

be fo re it b re ak s out and ind eed n ev er do es b reak out

,

until it s eem s h o pel es s and im p o s s ibl e ; f o r rul ers wh o

thi n k it p o s s ibl e ta k e ca re to in s u re t h e r i sk by rulin g
re a s onably . T hi s b rin g s about a condition fatal to all
p olitical s tability : nam ely t h at you n ev e r k now w h ere

to h av e th e po litician s If th e fe a r of G
,

. o d was in th e m

it mi gh t b e p o s sibl e to com e to s om e g en eral und ers tand

i n g as to wh at G o d di s a p p r ov es of ; and E u r op e mi g h t

p ull to g e th er on t h at ba s i s .B ut th e
p res ent
p anic ,

in wh ich P rim e M ini s t ers d rift from el e ction to el ection ,

lxxviii B ack to M et hus elah
e it h er fi g h tin g o r runnin g away from ev erybody wh o
s h a k es a fi s t at t h em ma k e s a E u r o ean civilization i m
, p
p o s s ibl e
. S uc h p eac e and
p r o s e r ity as we e nj oy e d
p .

befo re th e war d ep end ed on th e loyalty of th e W es t ern

S tat es to th ei r own civilization T h at loyalty c ould find
.

r actical e x res s ion only in an allianc e of t h e h i h ly

p p g
civi l iz ed W es t er n P owers a g ain s t th e p rimitiv e ty r anni es
of th e E a s t B ritain G ermany Fr anc e and th e Unit ed
.
, , ,

S tat es of A m eric a coul d h av e im p o s e d p eac e on th e

wo rld and nu rsed mod er n civilization in R u s s ia T u rk ey
, , ,

and th e B alk an s E v ery m ean er con s id er ation s h ould

.

h av e g iv e n way to t hi s n eed f o r th e s olida r ity of t h e

hi g h er civilization Wh at actually h ap p en ed was t h at
.

Fr anc e and E n g land t h r o u g h t h ei r cl erk s t h e di p lomat

,

i s t s mad e an allianc e with R u s s ia to de fend t h ems elv es

,

a g ain s t G ermany ; G ermany made an all ianc e with

T u rk ey to d ef end h ers elf a g ain s t th e t h re e ; and th e two
unnatu ral and s uicidal combination s f ell on o n e anoth er
in a war that cam e n e a rer to b ein g a war of ext ermina
tion t h an any wa rs s inc e th o s e of T imu r th e T a r ta r ;
wh il s t th e Unit e d S tat es h eld aloof as lon g as t h ey could ,

and t he ot her S tat es e ith er did th e s am e o r j o in ed in t h e

fray th rou gh comp ul s ion b rib ery o r t h e ir j ud g m en t
, ,

as to wh ich s id e t h ei r b read w as butt er ed A nd at t h e .

res ent mom ent t h ou g h t h e m ain fi h tin

g g h as c e a s ed
p ,

t h rou gh th e s ur rend er of Germany on t erm s wh ich th e

vi cto r s h av e n ev er d re amt of ob s e rv ing t h e extermina ,

tion by block ad e and famin e wh ich was w h at fo rc ed

,

G ermany to s u rrend er s till continu es alth ou g h it i s

, ,

c er tain th at if th e vanqui sh ed s ta rv e th e victo rs will

“

s ta rv e too and E u r o p e will liquidat e i ts aflai rs by g oin g

'

, ,

not into bank ru p tcy but into ch ao s , .

N ow all th i s it will b e notic ed was fundam entally ,

noth in g but an idiotic att emp t on th e p a r t of each bel

l i geren t S tat e to s ecu re f o r it self th e advanta g e of th e
 B a ck to M et hu s elah lxxix
s u rvival of th e fitt es t t h rou g h C i r cums tantial S el e ction .

I f th e W es t er n P owers h ad s el e cted t h ei r alli es i n t h e

L ama r c k ian mann e r intelli g ently p u rp o sely and vitally , , ,

ad maj orem D ei g l ori am as w h at N i e tz sc h e call e d g ood

,

E u ro p ean s t h ere would h ave b een a L ea g u e of N ation s

,

and no war B ut b ecau s e th e s el ection reli ed on was

.

p u rel y ci r cum s tantial o p p o rt uni s t s el e ction s o t h at t h e ,

allianc es w ere m ere ma rr ia g es of conv eni enc e th ey h ave ,

tu rn ed out not m erely as ba dly as mi g h t h av e be en ex

,

p e c ted but ,f ar wo rs e t h an t h e blac k e s t p es s imi s t h ad

e v er ima in e d o ibl
g p s s e .

C irc um s tan tial S el ection i n Fin an c e

H o w it wi ll all en d we do not y et k now Wh en wolv es .

combin e to k ill a h o rs e th e d eat h of th e h o r s e only et s

, s

t h e m fi g h tin g o n e anoth er f o r th e ch oic es t mo rs el s M en .

ar e no be tt er th an wolv es if th ey h av e no b e tt er p rinci

p l e s : a cco r di n g ly w e find ,t h at t h e A rmi s tic e and t h e

T r eaty h av e not ext ricat ed u s from th e war A h and .

ful of S erbian a ss a ssin s flun g u s into it as a s p o rtin g

navvy th row s a bull p up at a c at ; but t he S u p rem e
C ouncil with all i ts victo riou s l eg ion s and all i t s p res
,

ti g e cannot g e t u s out of it th ou g h we are h ea r tily s ic k

, ,

and ti re d of t h e w h ol e bu s in es s and k now now v ery w ell ,

t ha t it sh ould n ev er h av e been allow e d to h a p p en B ut .

we are h el p l es s b e fo re a slat e s c r awl ed wit h fi g u r es of

N ational D ebts A s t h ere i s no mon ey to p ay th em b e
.

ca us e i t was all s p ent on th e war ( war s h av e to b e p aid

f o r on th e nail ) t h e s en s ibl e th in g to do i s to wi pe th e
s lat e and l et t h e w r an g lin S tat es di s t ribut e w h at t h ey
g
can s p a re on th e sound communi s t p rinci pl e o f from
,

e ach acco rdin t o h i s ability to each acco rdin to h i

g , g s

n ee d B ut no : we h ave no p rinci pl es l eft not ev en com

.
,

m rc i al on es ; f o r wh at s an e comm er ciali s t would d e c r e

e e
 B ack to M et hus elah
t hat F r anc e mu s t not p ay f o r h er failu re to d efend h er
own s oil ; t h a t G ermany mu s t p ay f o r h er s ucc es s in
ca r ryin g th e war into th e en emy s count ry ; and t h at as
’

G ermany h as not th e mon ey to p ay and und er o ur com,

m e r ci al sy s t e m can ma k e it only by b e c o min g onc e mo re

a comm er cial com p etito r of E n g land and France wh ic h ,

n eit h er of t h em will allow sh e mu s t bo rr ow t h e mon ey

,

fro m E n g land o r A m erica o r ev en from Franc e : an

, ,

a rran g em ent by wh ic h t h e victo riou s c redito rs will p ay

on e anot h er , and wait to g e t th ei r mon ey back until
G ermany i s eit h er st ron g enou g h to refu s e to p ay o r
rui n ed b eyond t h e po s s ibility of
p ayin g ? M eanw h il e

R u s s ia redu c e d to a s c r a p of fis h and a p int of cabba g e

,

s ou p a day h as fall en into t h e h and s of r ul ers wh o p e r

,

c ei v e t h at M at eriali st C ommuni s m i s at all ev ent s mo re

effec tiv e t h an M at eriali s t N i h i l i s m and are att em p tin g

,

to m o v e i n an int elli g ent and o r d ered mann er p racti s in g

,

a v ery s t renuou s Int entional S el ection of wo rk ers as

fitt er to s u rviv e t h an idl ers ; w h il s t th e W es t ern P owers
are d riftin g and collidin g and r unnin g on th e r oc k s in ,

th e h o pe t h at if t h ey continu e to do t h ei r wo rs t t h ey will
et N atu r ally S el e ct ed f o r s u rvival wit h out t h e t roubl e
g
of th in k in g about it .

T h e H om eop at h i c R eaction Ag ain s t D ar win i s m

Wh en , li k e th e R u s s ian s o ur N ih ili s t s h av e i t u rg ently
bo rn e in on t h em by th e brute fo rc e of r i s in g wa g es t h at
,

n ev er ov erta k e ri s in g p ric es t h at t h ey are bein g N at

,

u ral l y S el ect ed f o r d es t ruction th ey will p erh a p s rem em

,
“
b er t h at D ont C a re cam e to a bad en d ”
an d b eg in to
,

look r ound f o r a reli g ion A nd th e wh ol e p u rp os e of

.

th i s book i s to sh ew th em wh ere to look Fo r t h rou g h

.
,

out all th e g odl es s w elt er of th e infid el h alf c entu ry -

D a rwini s m h as b een actin g not only d i rectly but h om eo

 B ack to M et hu s elah lxxx i
p at h i c al l y, i ts p oi son
allyin g o ur vital fo rc es not only
r

to res i s t it and c a s t it out but to ac h i ev e a n ew R efo rma

,

tion and p u t a c redibl e and h ealt h y r eli g ion in i t s p lac e .

S amu el B utl e r was th e p ion eer of th e reaction as f ar as

t h e ca s tin g out was co nc ern ed ; but th e i s s u e was con
fu se d by th e p h y s iolo g i st s wh o w e re divid ed on th e qu es
,

tion into M e ch ani s t s and V itali s t s T h e M ech ani s t s s aid

.

t h at life i s noth in g but p hy s ical and c h emical action ;

t h at t h ey h av e d emon s t rat ed t h i s in many ca s es of s o
call e d vital ph enom ena ; and th at t h ere i s no re a s on t o
doubt th at with imp rov e d m et h od s t hey will p res ently be
abl e to d emon s t rat e it in all of th em T h e V itali s t s s aid .

th at a de ad bo dy and a liv e o n e are ph y s ically and ch em

i c al l y id entical and t h at th e di ff erenc e can be account e d
,

f o r only by th e exi s t enc e o f a

s im p l e ; but t he A nti M e c h ani s t
-
b e call ed V i
t al i s ts ( obviou s ly th e ri g h t nam e f o r th em ) on two con
trad i c t o ry g round s Fi rs t t hat vitality i s s ci entifically
.
,

inadmi s s ibl e b e cau se it cannot be i s olat ed and ex p eri

,

men ted with i n th e labo r ato ry S econd t h at fo rc e b ein g

.
,
I
,
.
by definition anyth in g t h at can alt er th e s peed o r di rc o
tion o f matte r in mo tion ( b ri efly th at can overcom e
, ,

in ertia ) i s es sentially a m ech ani s tic conc ep tion H ere

, .

we h ad th e N ew V itali s t only h alf ext r icate d fr om t h e

O ld M ech ani s t obj e ctin g to be call ed eith e r and unable
, ,

to g iv e a cl e a r l ead in t h e n ew di re ction A nd th ere was .

a d eep er anta g oni s m T h e O ld V itali s t s in p o s tulatin g

.
,

a V ital Fo rc e w ere s ettin g up a comp a r ativ ely m e ch an i

,

cal conc ep tion as a g ain st t he divin e ide a o f t h e life

b reat h ed into th e clay no stril s of A dam wh ereby h e be ,

cam e a livin g s oul T h e N ew V itali s t s fi l l ed by th e i r

.
,

labor ato ry resea r ch es with a s en se of the mi r a culou sn es s

of life th at w ent f ar beyond th e com p a r ativ ely unin
fo rm ed ima g ination s of t h e auth o rs of th e B oo k o f G en e
si s, re g a rd e d th e O ld V itali s t s a s M ec h ani s t s wh o h ad
lxxxii B ack to M et hu s elah
t ri e d to fill up th e g ulf b etw een life and d eat h wit h an
e m ty h r a s e d enotin an ima ina y h y ical fo c
p p g g r
p s r e .

T h e s e p rofes s ional faction fi g h t s ar e ep h em e r al and ,

n eed not t roubl e us h ere T h e O ld V itali s t wh o was

.
,

es s entially a M at eriali s t h as evolv ed into th e N ew V ital

,

i s t wh o i s as ev ery g enuin e s ci enti s t mu s t b e finally a

, , ,

m eta p hy s ician A nd as th e N ew V itali s t tu rn s from t h e

.

di sp ut es of h i s youth to t h e futu r e of h i s s ci enc e h e will ,

c ea s e to b o g g l e at th e nam e V itali st o r at th e in evitabl e , ,

anci ent p o p ula r and quit e co rrect u s e of t h e t er m F o rc e

, ,

to d enot e m eta ph y s ical as w ell as p h y s ical ov ercom ers of

in er tia .

S inc e t h e di s cov ery of E xol ution m

as t h e m et h od o f the
”
u m w ¢ 1 m‘ tea- m to
n - w

7 g
t
i a

L ife F o rc e th e reli g ion of m eta p ys 1 c al V 1 t al i sm h as

a fl n V

Q
, m
m
Eg gn
g aafl i t M Efi I l i L M c o n c re t en es s n ee d ed t o

ma ke i t as s i md abl e b y the
, m w man 3 11 1? ,

it h as alway s b een with u s T h e p o p ul an r el i g i o n s di s

.
,

ac ed by t h ei r O o r tuni s t ca r dinal s and bi sh o s h av e

g r pp p ,

b een k ep t in c redit by cano niz ed s aint s wh o se s ec ret was

th ei r c onc ep tion of t h em s elv es as th e in s t rum ent s and -

v eh icl es of divin e po wer and a s p i r ation : a conc ep tion

wh ich at mom ent s b ecom es an actual exp eri enc e of
e c s tatic o ss es s ion by t h at p ow er A n d abov e and b elow
p .

all h av e b een millio n s of h umbl e and ob s cu re p ers on s ,

s om etim es tot ally illit er at e s om e tim es u n con s ciou s of

,

h avin g any reli g ion at all s om etim es b eli evin g in t h ei r

,

s im licity t h a t t h e g od s and t em p l e s and p ri es t s of t h ei r

p
di strict st o od f o r t h ei r in s tinctiv e ri g h t eou sn es s wh o ,

h av e k ep t s w eet th e t radition th at g ood p eop l e follow

"

a li gh t t h at s h in es w ith in and abov e and a h ead of t h em ,

t h at bad pe opl e ca re only f o r t h em selv es and th at th e ,

g ood are s av e d and bl es s ed and th e bad damn e d and

mi s erabl e P rot es tanti s m was a mo v em ent towa rd s t h e

.

p u r s uit o f a li h t call ed an inn er li h t be cau s e e v ery

g g
man mu s t s ee it with h i s own ey es and not ta k e any
lxxxiv B ack to M et hus elah
of t h em my s elf ) wh o bo re th em at a l en g th now f or
,

hidd en by cu s tom in t h e es tabli sh ed p ul p it O ur mind s

.

h av e react ed s o viol ently towa rd s p rovabl e lo g ical th eo

re m s and d emon s t r abl e m ech anical o r c h emical fact s t h at

we h av e b ecom e inca p abl e of m eta ph y s ical t ruth and ,

t ry to ca s t out inc redibl e and s illy li es by c redibl e and

cl ev er on es callin g in S atan to ca s t out S atan and
, ,

g ettin g mo r e into h i s clutch es t h an ev er in th e

p r oc es s.

T h u s th e wo rld i s k ep t s an e l es s by th e s aint s t h an by
t h e va s t ma s s of th e indi ff erent wh o n eit h er act n o r
,

react in th e matt er B utl er s p reac hin g of th e g o spel

.
’

of Lao d di ca was a p i ec e of commo n sen se found ed on

h i s o b s erv ation of t h i s
B ut indi ff erenc e will not g uid e nation s t h rou g h civili
z ati o n to th e es tabli s h m e nt of t h e p erf e ct city of G od .

A n indi ff erent s tat es man i s a cont radiction in t erm s ;

and a s tat es man wh o i s indi ff erent on pr inci pl e a L ai s ,

s er fai re o r M uddl e T h rou g h doct rinai re lay s t h e d euc e

p
- -

with us in th e lon g run Ou r s tat es m en mu s t g eL a

.

reli ion b y h o o k o g ggo gk ; an d as we ar c m m i tt e l to

g m i n g_ p g
A dul t S u ff r a ge it mu s t b e a reli g ion ca p abl e of vul g a ri
z at i o n
. T h e th ou g h t fir s t p ut into wo rd s by t h e M ill s
“
wh en t h ey s aid T h ere i s no G od ; but th i s i s a family
s ec ret, and lon g h eld un sp o k en by a ri s toc ratic s tat es
m en and di p lomati s t s will not s erv e now ; f o r th e r evival
,

of civ ilization aft er th e war cannot b e eff ected by artifi c i al

b re ath in g : th e d rivin g fo rc e of an undelud ed p o pula r
con sent i s indi sp en s ab l e and will be im p o s s ibl e until th e
,

s tat es man can a p p eal to t h e vital in s tinct s of t h e p e o l e

p
in t erm s of a common reli g ion T h e succ es s of th e H an g
.

th e Kai s er c ry at t h e la s t G en e r al E l e ction s h ew s u s v ery

t errifyin g ly h o w a common i rreli g ion can b e u s ed by
myo p ic d ema g o g y ; and common i rreli g ion will d es t roy
civilization unl es s it i s count ered by c o mmon reli g ion .
 B ack to M et hu s elah lxxxv

T h e D an g er of R eaction
A nd h ere a ri s es th e dan g er th at when we realiz e t h i s
we sh all do j u s t wh at we did h alf a c entu ry ag o and ,

wh at P liabl e did in T h e P il g rim s P ro g res s w h en C hri s ’

tian land ed hi m in th e S lou g h of D esp o n d : t h at i s run ,

bac k in t err o r to o u r old s u p ers tition s W e j um p ed out .

of t he fryin g p an into t h e fi re ; and we are j u s t as l ik ely

-

to j ump bac k a g ain now th at we feel h ott er th an ever

, .

H i s to ry reco rd s v ery littl e in t h e wa of m ental ac ti v i t

m
v a l- a m n i "m

a —
i' fi

of k E ép b
f

o n th e h f n in t
'

y agt t e l n a s s p “
a c s e rl e s
" ” m “ Et
aw

ro m a ffi rm ativ e err o rs i t o n e ati e

c

nd
g y on es
a _

be s ai v ery pf efii s el y
'

and cl ea rly th at th e ban k ru p tcy of D a rwini s m doe s not

m ean t h at N ob o daddy was S o m eb o d add y wi th body “
,

p a r t s and
, p a s s ion s
”
aft er all ; t h at th e wo rld w as mad e

in the y e a r 4 00 4 th at damnation m ean s an et ernity

of blazin g b rim s ton e ; t h at th e Immaculat e C onc ep tion
m ean s t h at s ex i s s inful and th at C h ri s t was p arth en o
en e tically b rou g h t fo rt h by a vi r in d e s c end ed in li k e
g g
mann e r f rom a lin e of vi rg in s ri gh t back to E v e ; t h at
t h e T r inity i s an anth ro po mo rp h ic mon s t er wit h t h ree
h ead s wh ich ar e yet only o n e h ead ; t h at in R om e th e
bread and win e on th e alta r b ecom e fl es h and blood and ,

in E n g land in a s till mo re my s tical m ann er t h ey do and

, ,

t h ey do n o t ; th at t h e B ibl e i s an infallible s ci entific

manual an accu rat e h i s to rical c h ronicl e and a com pl et e
, ,

g uid e to conduct ; t h at we m a
y l i e and ch e at and mu rd er

and th en wa sh ou rs elv es innoc ent in t h e blood of th e lamb

on S unday at th e co s t of a c red o and a p enny in th e
p lat e
, and s o on and s o fo rt h C iviliz a tion
. cannot be m

ofi fii f c
W
s av e d b
é l il l
'

fi so l e fi at on l
a y a ud a t h é
y
e n .
i e l e e e e

) t o bel ieyg t he r} sugh b el i e f

‘
o ,

c o n s t 1 tu t es a r eli ion T h ducation of ch ild ren c an

g e e .

not s af e lyb e l g t i ii th ei r h and s If dwindli n g s ect s

'

.
lxxxvi B ack to M et hus elah
li k e th e Chu rch of E n g land th e Ch u rch of R om e the
, ,

Greek Chu rch and t h e res t p e rs i s t in t ryin g to c r am p

, ,

th e h uma n mind wit h in t h e limit s of t h es e g rot es qu e

er v ers ion s of natu r al t r ut h s and o tic m ta h o r s t h en
p p e e p ,

th ey mu s t b e r ut hl es s ly bani sh ed from th e s ch ool s until

t h ey e it h er p eri sh in g en eral cont em p t o r di s cov e r th e
s oul t h at i s h idd e n in ev ery do g m a T h e r e al C la s s W ar
.

will b e a war of int el l e ctual cla s s es ; and i ts c on qu es t will

be t h e s oul s of th e c h ild ren .

A T ouch s ton e f or D ogma

T h e t es t of a do g m a i s i ts univ ers ality A s lon g as
.

th e C h u r ch of E n g land p reach es a s in g l e doct rin e th at

th e B ra h man t h e B uddh i s t th e M u s s ulman t h e P a rs ee
, , , ,

and all th e other s e cta rian s wh o are B riti sh s ubj ect s

cannot a cc ep t it h as no l eg itimat e p lac e in th e coun s el s
,

of th e B riti sh C o m monw ealth and will remain wh at it

,

i s at p res ent a co rru p t er of youth a dan g er to th e

, ,

S tat e and an ob s t ruction to th e fellow sh i p of th e H oly

,

Gh o st T h i s h as n ev er b een mo re s t ron g ly f elt th an at

.

p res ent , aft er a w ar in w h ic h t h e C h u r c h fail e d g r o s s ly

in th e cou ra g e of i ts p rofes s ion and s old i t s lili es f o r
,

th e lau r el s of th e s oldi ers of th e V icto ria C ros s .All

th e cock s in C h ri s t endom h av e b een c r owin g sh am e on it
ev er s inc e ; and it will not b e s p a re d f o r t h e s a k e of t h e

two o r th ree faith ful wh o w ere found ev en amon g th e

bi sh op s L et t h e C hu r ch tak e it on auth o rity ev en my
.
,

auth o rity ( as a p rofes sional l eg end mak er ) if it cannot

s ee t h e t ruth by i t s own li g h t : no do g ma can b e a l eg end .

A l eg end can p a s s an eth nical f ronti er as a l eg end but ,

not as a t ruth ; wh il st t h e only fr onti er to t h e cu rrency

of a s ound do g ma as s uch i s th e fronti er of ca p acity f o r
understandin g it .

T h i s do es not m ean th at we sh ould t h r ow away l eg end

 B ack to M et hus el ah l xx xv u

and p a rabl e an d d r ama : t h ey are t h e natu ral v eh icl es of

do g ma ; but wo e to t h e C hu rches and r ul ers wh o s ub s ti
tut e t h e l eg end f o r th e do g ma th e p a rabl e f o r th e h i s
,

to ry th e dram a f o r th e reli g ion ! B ett er by f ar d e cla re

,

t h e t h ron e of G od em p ty th an s et a lia r and a fool on

it Wh at are call ed wa rs of r eli g ion are alway s wa r s
.

to d es t roy r eli g ion by affi rmin g th e h i sto rical t rut h o r

mat erial sub s tantiality o f s om e l eg end and k illin g t h o s e
,

wh o r efu s e to acc ep t it as h i s to r ical o r s ub s tantial B ut .

wh o has ev er re fu s e d to acc ep t a g ood l eg end wit h d eli g h t

as a l eg end ? T h e l eg e nd s t h e p a r abl es th e d r ama s are
, , ,

amon g th e c h oic es t t re a s u res of mank ind N o o n e i s .

ev er ti red of s to ri es of mi r acl es In vain did M ah om et

.

rep udiat e t h e mi r acl es a s c rib e d to h i m : in vain did C h ri s t

fu riou sly s cold t h o s e wh o a sk ed h i m to g ive t hem an

exh ibition as a conj u ro r : in vain did th e s aint s d ecla r e

t h at G od ch o s e t h em not f o r t hei r p owers but f o r t h ei r

wea k n es s es ; t h at th e h umbl e mi g h t b e exalted and th e ,

p r oud ‘

re bu k ed . P e o p l e will h av e t h ei r mi racl es th ei r ,

s to r i e s t h ei r h ero es and h eroin es and s aint s and ma rty rs

,

and diviniti es to ex erci s e t hei r g ift s o f a ff e ction admi ,

ration ,wond er and wo rsh i p and th ei r Judas es and

, ,

d evil s to enabl e th em to b e an g ry and yet feel t h at th ey

do w ell to b e an g ry E v ery o n e of t h es e l eg end s i s th e
.

common h erita g e of th e h uman r ac e ; and t h ere i s only

o n e ine xo rabl e condition attach e d to th ei r h e alth y en j o y

m ent wh ich i s t h at no o n e s h all b eli ev e th em lit erally

, .

T he readin g of s to ri es and d eli g h tin g in th em mad e

D on Quixot e a g entl eman : th e b eli evin g t h em lit erally
mad e h i m a madman wh o s l ew lamb s in s t ead of feed i n g
t h em In E n g land to day g ood boo k s o f E a st er n r eli
.
-

io s l eg end s are read ea g erly ; and P rot es tant s and

g n

A t h ei s t s r ead R oman C ath olic l eg end s of th e S aint s with

p l ea su re B ut
. s uch fa re i s sh i rk e d by Indian s and
R oman C at h olic s F reet h in k er s r ead t h e B ibl e : ind eed
.
lxxxviii B ac k to M et hus elah
t h ey s eem to b e i t s only r ead er s now exc ep t the reluctant
p a r s on s at t h e c h u r c h l ect ern s wh o communicat e th ei r
,

di s comfo rt to th e co n gr eg ation by g a rg lin g th e wo rd s

i n th ei r t h roat s in an unnatu r al mann er t h at i s as rep ul
s iv e as it i s unint elli g ibl e . A nd t h i s i s b ecau s e th e i m
p o s ition o f t h e l e end s as lit er al t rut h s at onc e c h an e s
g g
t h em fr om p a r abl es into fal s eh ood s . T h e feelin g
a g ain s t th e B ibl e h as b ecom e s o s t ron g at la s t th at ed u
c at ed
p p
eo l e n ot only re fu s e to out r a e t h ei r int ell e ctual
g
con s ci enc es by re adin g th e l eg end of N oa h s A rk with ’
,

i ts funny b eg innin g about th e animal s and i ts exqui sit e

en d about th e bi rd s : th ey will not r ead ev e n th e c h r onicl es

of K in g D avid wh ich may v ery w ell b e t ru e and are

, ,

c ertainly mo re candid th an t h e o fficial bio g ra ph i es of

o u r cont em p o r a r y mona rc h s .

Wh at to D o W it h th e L eg en d s
Wh at we sh ould do then i s to p oo l o u r l eg end s and
, ,

ma k e a deli g h tful s toc k of reli g iou s fol k lo re on an -

h on es t ba s i s f o r all man k ind W it h o ur mind s freed

.

from p ret enc e and fal seh ood we could ent er into th e
h erita g e of all th e faith s C h ina would sh a re h er s a g es
.

wit h S p ain and S p ain h er s aint s with C h ina T h e

, .

Ul s t er man wh o n ow g iv e s h i s s o n an unm er ciful th r a sh

i n g if t h e boy i s s o ta ctl es s as to as k h o w th e ev enin g
and th e mo rning could be th e firs t day b efo re th e s un
was c reat ed o r t o be t ray an innoc ent calf lov e f o r th e
,
-

V i rg i n M a ry would buy h i m a boo k ful of l ege nd s of

th e c reation and of mot he rs of G
,

o d f rom all a t of
p r s

t he wo rld and b e v ery g lad t o find h i s laddi e as int er

,

e st ed i n s uch th in g s as in ma rbl es o r P olic e and R ob

b ers T hat would be better th an b e atin g all g ood feel

.

i n g towa r d s reli g ion out of th e ch ild and blac k enin g

,

h i s mind by t each in g h i m th at th e wo rsh i p p ers o f t he

 B ack to M ethus el ah l x xxix
h oly vi rg in s wh et h er of th e P a r th enon o r S t P et e r s
, .
’
,

are fi re doom e d h e at h en s and ido lat er s

-

A ll th e s w ee t
.

n ess of r eli g ion i s conv ey ed to t h e wo rld by th e h and s

of s to ry t ell ers and ima g e ma k ers W it h out t h ei r fi c
- -
.

tion s th e t ruth s of reli g ion would f o r t h e multitude b e

n eit h er int elli g ibl e n o r ev en a pp reh en s ibl e ; and t h e
p p
ro h et s woul d r o h es y and th e t e ach ers t e ac h in vain
p p .

A nd noth in g s tand s b etw een th e p eo p l e and th e fiction s

e xc e t t h e s illy fal seh ood t h at t h e fiction s are lit er al
p
trut hs and t h at t h ere i s not h in g in reli g ion but fiction
, .

A L ess on f ro m S ci en c e to th e C h urch es
L et t h e Ch u r c h es as k t h em s elve s why t h ere i s no revolt
a g ain s t th e do g ma s of math ematic s t h ou gh t h ere i s o n e
a g ain s t th e do g ma s of reli g ion It i s not t h at th e
.

math ematical do g m a s are mo r e com p reh en s ibl e T h e .

law of inv ers e s qua res i s as incom p r eh en s ibl e to t h e

c o mmon m an as th e Ath ana s ian c reed It i s not .

t h at s ci enc e i s free from l eg end s , witch c raft , mi ra

cl es , bio g r a ph ic b o o s ti n g s of quac k s as h ero es and
s aint s , and of ba r ren s co und rel s as ex p lo rer s and d i s

cov ere rs On t h e c o nt ra ry , th e icono g ra ph y and h a g i

.

olo g y o f S ci enti s m are as c e p i o u s as t hey are mo s tly

s qualid . B ut no s tud ent of s ci enc e h as y et b ee n tau g h t
t h at sp ec i fi c g r avity con s i s t s in th e b eli e f t h at A rch i
m e des j um pe d out of hi s ba th and r an nak e d th roug h
th e s t r ee t s of S y r acu s e sh outin g E u rek a , E u rek a , o r
t h at the law of inv ers e s qua re s mu s t b e di sca rd ed if any
o n e can r ov e th at N ewton w as n ev er in an o r c h a r d in
p
hi s life . Wh en s om e unu s ually con s ci entiou s o r ent er
r i s in g bact eriolo g i s t r e ad s th e p am ph l et s of J enn er ,
‘
p
and di s cov er s th at th ey mi g h t h av e b een w ritt en by an
i g no r ant but cu riou s and ob servant nu rs e rym aid and ,

could not p o ss ibly h av e b ee n wri tt en by any p er s on with

xc B ack to M et hus elah
a s ci entifically t rain ed mind h e doe s not f eel t h at t h e
,

wh ol e edifice of s ci enc e h as colla p s ed and c rumbl ed and ,

t h at th ere i s no s uc h t h in g as s mallp ox It may com e

.

to t h at yet ; f o r h y g i en e as it fo rc es i ts way into o ur

,

s c h oo l s
, i s b ein g tau g h t as fal s ely as reli g ion i s tau g h t
th er e ; but in math ematic s an d p h y s ic s t h e faith i s still
k ep t p u re and you may ta k e th e law and l eav e th e
,

l eg end s wit h out s u s p icion of h eres y A cco rdin g ly th e

.
,

tow er of th e m ath ematician s tand s un sh a k en wh il s t the

t empl e of th e p ri es t r oc k s to i ts foundation .

T h e R eli g io u s art o f th e T wen ti et h C en t ury

Creativ e E volution i s al re ady a reli g ion and i s ind eed
,

now unmi s ta k ably th e reli g ion of th e tw enti eth c entu ry ,

n ewly a ri s en f rom t h e a sh es of p s eudo C h ri s tianity of

-

m ere s c ep tici s m and of th e s oull es s a ffi rmation s and

, .

blind n eg ation s of th e M e ch ani s t s and N eo D a rwinian s -

.

B ut it cannot b ec o m e a p o p ula r reli g ion until it h as i t s

l eg ends i ts p arabl es i ts mi racl es A nd wh en I s ay po p
, , .

ula r I do not m ean a pp reh en s ibl e by villa g ers only I .

m ean a pp reh en s ibl e by C abin et M ini s t ers as w ell It i s .

un rea s onabl e to loo k to th e p r ofes s ional p olitician and

admini s t rato r f o r li g h t and l eadin g in reli g ion H e i s .

n eit h er a p h ilo s op her n or a p roph e t : if h e w ere h e woul d ,

be p h ilo s o p h izin g and p r o p h es yin g and not n eg l e ct in g

,

both f o r th e d rud g ery of p ractical g ov er nm ent S o c .

r at es and C ol erid g e did not re main s oldi ers n o r could ,

John S tuar t M ill remain th e rep res entativ e of Wes t

min s t er in th e H ou s e of C o mmon s ev en wh en h e was
willin g T he W es tmin s t er el ecto rs admi red M ill f o r
.

t ellin g th em t h at muc h of th e di fficulty of d e alin g with

t h em a r o s e from th ei r be in g inv et erat e lia rs B ut th ey .

would not vot e a s econd tim e f o r t h e man wh o was not

afraid to b reak th e c ru st of m endacity on wh ich th y e
 c ii B ac k to M et hu s elah
s ac red o r ato ri es and canta ta s wh ich w ere p roduc ed f o r
no b e tt er r ea s on th an t h at H and el h ad fo rm erly mad e
s l endi d t h und e r in t h at way and wit h t h e s tal e c o n f e c
p ,

t i o n ery mo s tly too would b e p ious to b e e v en ch eerfully

,
-

toot h s om e of S p o hr and M end el s s oh n S tain er and

, ,

P a rry wh ic h sp read indi g es tion at o u r mu s ical fes tival s

,

until I p ublicly told P a rr y th e blud g eonin g t rut h about

h i s Job and wo k e h i m to conviction of s i n C om p a re .

Flaxman and T h o rwald s en and G ib s on and P h idia s and

Pr axit el es S t ev e n s wit h M ich a el A n g elo B ou g u e reau 8
, ,
’

V i rg in with C imabu e s o r th e b es t o p e r atic C h ri s t s of

’
,

S c h eff er and M ii l l e r wit h t h e wo r s t C h r i s t s th a t th e

wo rs t p aint ers could p aint b efo r e th e en d of th e fift eenth
c entu ry and you mu s t feel t h at until we h av e a gr eat
,

reli iou s m ov em ent we cannot h o e f o r a re at a r ti s tic

g p g
one . T h e di s illu s ion ed R a p ha el could p aint a moth er
and c h ild but not a qu ee n of H eav en as much l es s sk il
,

ful m en h ad do n e in th e day s of h i s g reat g r andfath er ; -

e t h e could r e ach fo rwa r d to t h e tw enti e t h c entu ry and

y
aint a T ran s fi u r ation o f th e S o n of M an as t h ey could
p g
not Al s o p l ea s e not e h e could d eco rat e a h ou s e of
.
, ,

p l e a s u re f o r a ca r dinal v e ry b eautifully wit h volu p tuou s

ictu res o f C u id and P syc h e ; f o r t h i s s im l e s o r t of

p p p
Vitali s m i s alwa ys wi th u s and li k e p o rt rait p aintin g
, , ,

k eep s th e a r ti s t s u p p li ed with s ubj ect matt er in th e i n

terv al s b etw een th e a g e s of fait h ; s o t h at you r s c ep tical
R emb randt s and V el as quez s ar e at l ea s t not com p ell ed
to p aint sh o p f r ont s f o r want of anyt h in g el se to p aint
in wh ich t h ey can really beli ev e .

T he Arti s t P rop h et s -

A nd t h ere are alway s c ertain ra re but in ten s ely int er

e s tin
g antici p ation s M ic h.a el A n
g elo could not v e ry w ell

beli ev e in Juliu s II o r Leo X o r in much t h at th ey be ,

 B ac k to M et hus elah xc iii
l i ev ed in ; but h e could p aint th e S u p erman t h ree h u n
d red y ea r s b e fo re N i etz s c h e w rot e A l s o S p rac h Za r a
th u s tra and S t r au s s s et it to mu s ic M ich a el A n g elo
.

won t h e p rimacy amon g all mod e rn p aint ers and s cul p

to rs s ol ely by hi s p ow er of s h ewin g u s s up e rh uman p er
s on s. O n th e s t ren g th o f h i s d eco ration and colo r al on e
h e would h a rdly h av e s u r viv ed h i s own d eat h tw enty
y e a rs ; and ev en h i s d es i g n would h av e h ad only an aca
d emic int eres t ; but as a p aint er of p ro p h et s and s ibyl s
h e i s g re at es t amon g th e v ery gr e at e s t in h i s c r aft b e ,

cau s e we a s p i re to a wo rld of p rop h ets and s ybil s .

B eet h ov en n ev er h ea r d of r adio activity n o r of el e ct ron s

-

dancin g in vo rtic es of inconc eivabl e en erg y ; but p ray

can anyo n e exp lain th e la s t mov em ent of hi s H amm e r
k lavi er S onata O p u s 1 0 6 oth erwi s e th an as a mu s ical
, ,

p ictu re of th ese w h i rlin g el ect ron s ? H i s cont em o

p
r a r i es s aid h e was m ad a rtly erh a s
p b ecau se t h e
p , p
mov em ent was s o h a rd t o p lay ; but we who can m ak e ,

a p ianola p lay it to u s o v er and ov er until it i s as

familia r as P o p Go e s th e W ea sel k now t h at it i s s an e ,

and m eth odical A s s uch it mu s t rep res ent s om eth in g ;

.
,

and as all B eet h ov en s s eriou s com po s ition s r ep res ent

’

s om e r oc es s wit h in h im s elf s om e n e rv e s to r m o r s oul

p ,

s to rm ,and t h e s to r m h ere i s cl e a rly o n e of ph y sical

mov em ent I sh ould muc h lik e to k now w h at ot h er s to rm
,

tha n th e atomic s to rm could h av e d riv en h i m to th i s

odd es t of all th o s e many ex p res s ion s o f cyclonic en erg y

wh ich h av e g iv en h i m t h e s am e di s tinction amon g

mu s ician s th at M ich a el A n g elo h as amo n g d r au g h t sm en .

In B eet h ov en s day th e bu s in es s of ar t was h eld to b e

’

”
th e s ublim e and be autiful In o ur day it h as fall en
'

to be th e imitativ e and volu p tuou s In b oth p eriod s t h e

.

Wo r d p a s s ionat e h as be en f r eely em p loy ed ; but in th e

ei g h t ee nt h c entu ry p a s s ion m eant i rr e s i s tibl e im p ul s e of

th e lo fti es t kind : f o r e xam p l e a p a s s ion f o r a s t ronomy

,
x c iv B ack to M et hu s elah
or f o t ruth F o r us it h as com e to m ean concu p i s c enc e
. .

and not h in g el se O n e mi g h t s ay to th e art o f E u r op e

.

“
wh at A ntony s aid to th e co rp se of Cze s ar : A re al l thy
conqu es t s g lo ri es trium ph s s p oil s shrunk to t hi s littl e
, , , ,

m e a s u re ? B ut l n fact it i s th e mind of E uro p e th at

”
fi
‘

e s een wh olly p re occu p i ed

,

ean 1 n
g to g e t ri d of i t s

s ti ti ons bef o r a r ead u s tm i ts elf to the n ew co n

j g e

E vol u tion i n th e
T h eatr e
O n t h e s tag e ( and h ere I c om e at la s t to m y own par
ti c ul ar function in t h e matt er ) C om edy as a d es t ru o
, ,

tiv e d eri s o ry c ritical n eg ativ e art k ep t th e t h e atre

, , , ,

o p en w hen s ublim e t r a g edy p eri s h ed From M oli ere to .

O s ca r W ild e we h ad a lin e o f com edic p laywri g h t s wh o ,

if th ey h ad no th in g fundam entally p o s itiv e to s ay w ere ,

at l ea s t in revolt a g ain s t fal s eh ood and im p o s tu re and ,

“
w ere not only as t h ey claim ed ch a st enin g mo ral s by
, ,
”
ridicul e but in Joh n s on s p h r a s e cl earin g out mind s
’
, , ,

of cant and t h ereby sh ewin g an un ea s in e s s in th e

,

r es enc e of erro r wh ic h i s th e s u res t s ym tom of int el

p p
l ectual vitality M eanwh il e th e name of T ra g edy was
.

a s s um ed by p lay s in wh i ch everyon e was k ill ed in th e la s t

act j u s t as in sp it e of M oli ere p lay s in wh ich ev eryon e
, , ,

was ma rri ed in th e la s t act call e d t h em s elv es com edi e s .

N ow n eith er t r a g edi es n o r com edi es can b e p roduc ed

acco rdin g to a p res c ri p tion wh ich g iv es only t h e la s t
mom ent s o f the l as t act S h ak esp ea r did not m ak e
.

H aml et out of i ts final butch ery n o r T w elfth N i g h t o u t

, _

of i ts final mat rimony A nd h e could not b ecom e th e

.

con s ciou s icono g ra ph er of a reli g ion b e cau s e h e h ad no

con s ciou s reli g ion He h ad th ere fo r e to e x er ci s e h i s
.

e xt r ao r dina ry natu ral ift in th e v e r y ent er tainin a t

g s g r
 B ack to M eth us elah xc v

of mimic ry g ivin g u s th e famous “d elin eation

of ch a r
,
”
act er w h ic h ma k e h i s p lay s li k e th e nov el s of S cott
, ,

D u m a s and D ic k en s s o d eli g h tful Al s o h e d evelo p ed

, , .
,

th at cu riou s and qu es tionabl e art of buildi n g u s a r efu g e

fro m d esp ai r by di s g ui s in g th e c ru elti es of N atu re as
j ok es B ut with all hi s g ift s th e fac t remain s t h at h e
.
,

n ev er found th e in sp i ration to w rit e an o ri g in al p lay .

H e fu rbi sh e d up old p lay s and ada p t e d p o p ula r s to ri es

, ,

and c h a p t ers of h i s to ry from H o l i n s h ed s C h ronicl e and ’

P luta r c h s bio g r a ph i es to th e s ta g e A ll t h i s h e did

’
, .

o r did not ; f o r t h ere ar e minu s quantiti es in th e al eb ra

( g
of art ) with a rec k l es s n es s wh ich sh ew ed t h at h i s t rad e
lay f ar from h i s con s ci enc e It i s t ru e th at h e n ever
.

ta k es h i s ch a r act ers from th e bo rrowed s to ry b ecau s e ,

it was l es s t roubl e and mo re fun to h i m to c re at e t h em

afres h ; but non e th e l ess h e h ea p s t he mu r ders and vil
l ai n i es of th e bo rrow e d s to r y on h i s own e s s entially
entl e c re ation s wit h out s c ru l e n o matt er h ow i n c o n
g p ,

g r u o u s t h ey m ay b e . A nd all t h e tim e h i s vital n ee d f o r

a p h ilo s o p h y d riv es h i m t o s eek o n e by th e quaint p ro

f es s i o n al m et h od of int roducin g p h ilos o ph ers as c h a r
ac t ers into h i s p lay s and ev en o f ma k in g h i s h ero es
,

p h ilo s o h ers ; but w h e n t h ey com e on t h e s ta e t h ey

p g
h av e no p h ilo s o ph y to expo und : th e y ar e only p es s i
mi t s and rail ; an d th ei r occa ional would b e p h ilo
s ,
er s s —

s o h ic s p ee ch e s s uc h as T h e S ev en A es of M an and
p g
'

T h e S oliloquy o n S uicid e sh ew h o w d eep ly in th e da rk

,

S h a k es p ea r was as t o w h at p h ilo s o p h y m ean s He .

fo rc ed h im s elf in amon g th e g r eat es t of playw ri g hts

with out h avin g onc e ent ere d th at reg ion in wh ich
M ic h a el A n g elo B eeth ov en G o ethe and th e antiqu e
, , ,

A th enian s ta g e p o et s are g reat H e would really not b e

.

eat at all if it w e re not t h at h e h ad r eli ion enou h t o

g r g g
b e awa r e th at h i s reli g ionl es s condition was o n e of
d esp ai r H i s g re at es t wo rk L ear would b e on l y a
.
, ,
xcv i B ack to M eth u s elah
m elod rama w ere it not f o r i t s exp re s s admi s s ion t h at if
there i s noth in g mo re to b e s aid of th e univ ers e t h an
“
H aml e t h as to s ay th e n as fli es to wanton bo y s s o we
,
”
ar e to t h e od s : t h ey k ill u s f o r t h ei r s o rt
g p .

E v er s inc e S h a k es p e a r p layw ri g h t s h av e b een s t ru g

,

g lin g wit h t h e s am e lack of reli ion ; and many of t h em

g
were fo r c ed to b e com e m ere p and er s and s en sation
mon g ers b ecau s e t h ou g h th ey h ad h i g h er ambition s
, ,

t h ey could find no b ett er s ubj ect matt er Fr o m C on .

rev e t o S h er idan t h ey w ere s o s t er il e in s it e of th ei r

g p
wit t h at th ey did not ac h i ev e b etw een t h em th e outp ut of
M oli ere s s in g l e lifetim e ; and th ey w e re all ( not wit h out
’

re a s on ) a s h am e d of t h ei r p r of es s ion and p referred to

,

be reg a r ded as m e re men of fa s h ion with a ra k i s h h obby .

G old smith s was th e only s aved s oul in t h at p and emonium

’
.

T h e l ead ers amon g my own cont em po ra ri es ( now

v et er an s ) s natch ed a t mino r s o cial p robl em s r ath er t h an
w rit e enti rely with out any wid er p u rp o s e t h an to win
mon ey and fam e O n e of t h em exp r es s ed to m e h i s envy
.

of th e anci ent Greek p laywri g h t s b ecau s e th e A th enian s

“
a s k ed t h em not f o r s om e n ew and o ri g inal d i s g ui s e
”
,

of th e h alf doz en t h re adbare p lot s of th e mod ern th eat re

-

but f o r th e deep es t l es s on th ey could d raw f rom th e

familia r and s ac re d l eg end s of th ei r count ry “L et u s .

all ”
h e s aid “ writ e an E l e ctra a n A nti g on e an
, , , ,
”
A g am emnon and sh ew wh at we can do with it
,
B ut .

h e did not w rit e any of th em b e cau s e th es e l eg end s are

,

no lon g er reli g iou s : Aph r odit e and A rt emi s and P o s eidon

are d e ader t h an th e i r s tatu es A noth er with a com
.
,

mandin g p o s ition and ev e ry t r ick of B riti sh far c e and

P a ri s ian d rama at h i s fin g e rs end s finally could not
’
,

w rit e with out a s ermon to p reach and y et coul d not find

,

t ext s mo re fundam ental th an th e h y p oc r i s i es of sh am

P u ritani sm o r th e m at rimonial s p eculation w h ich mak es
,

o ur youn g act res s es as ca re ful of t h ei r rep utation s as of

 B ack to M ethus elah x cv n

t h ei r com pl exion s A t h i rd too t end er h ear t ed to b rea k

.
,
-

o u r s i rit s with t h ealiti es of a bitt er e x eri enc e

p e r p ,

coax e d a wi s tful p ath o s an d a dainty fun out of th e

fai ry cloudla nd t h at lay be tween h i m and th e em p ty
h e av en s T h e g iant s of th e t h eat r e of o u r tim e I b s en
.
,

agd fi tri ud berg h ad n o g re at er comfo rt f o r th e wo rld

,

t h an we : ind eed much l es s ; f o r t h ey r efu s ed u s ev e n t h e

S h a k esp ea rian D ic k en s ian con s olation of lau g h t er at
-

mi s c h i ef accu rat ely call ed comic reli ef O u r em an c i

, .

p at ed youn
g s ucc es s o rs s co rn u s v e ry , p pr o erly B ut .

t h ey will b e abl e to do no bett er wh il s t th e d rama r emain s

re E volutioni s t L e t t h e m con s id er t h e r e at e xc e tio n
p g p
-

of Go eth e H e no ric h er th an S h a k esp ea r Ib se n o r

.
, , ,

S t rindb erg in s p e cific tal ent as a p layw ri g h t i s in th e ,

em y r ean w h il s t t h e y ar e na sh in t h ei r t ee t h in i m
p g g
p ot ent fu ry in t h e mud o r at be s t findin , g an acid enj oy

ment in th e i rony of t h ei r p redicam ent G o eth e i s .

Olym p ian : t h e ot h er g iants are infernal in ev eryth in g

but t h ei r v eracity and t h ei r r ep udiatio n of t h e i rreli g ion
of th eir tim e : t h at i s th ey are bitt er and h o p el e s s It
, .

i s not a qu es tion of m ere dat es G o eth e w as an

.

E volutioni s t in 1 83 0 : many playw r i g h t s ev e n youn g ,

on es are s till untouch ed by C re ativ e E volution in 1 92 0

, .

I b s en was D arwi n i z ed to th e ext ent of exp loitin g

h e re dity on t h e s ta g e much as t h e anci ent A th enian play
w ri g h t s e xp loit ed th e E um enid es ; but t h ere i s no t r ac e
’

in h i s p lay s of any faith in o r k nowl edg e o f C re ative

E volution as a mod ern s ci entific fact t h ou g h th e p oetic ,

a s p i ration i s p lain e nou g h in h i s E m p ero r o r G alil e an ;

and as it i s o n e of I b s en s g reat di s tinction s t h at not h in g
’

was valid f o r h i m but s ci enc e h e l eft t h at vi s ion o f th e

,
“
futu re wh ich hi s R oman s eer call s th e t h i rd E mp i re ”

b eh ind hi m as a Uto p ian d re am wh en h e s ettl ed down to

h i s s er iou s g ra pp l e with re aliti e s in th o s e p lay s of
modern life wit h wh ich he ov ercam e E u r o p e and b ro k e
x c viii B ack to M ethu s elah
the du s ty window s of ev ery d ry -
r ott en t h eat re in it f r om
M o s cow to M anch es t er .

M y O wn P a rt i n th e M att er
In my own activities as a p layw ri gh t I found t h i s s tat e
of th in g s intol er abl e T h e fa sh ionabl e t h eat re p re
.

s c rib e d o n e s er iou s s ubj e ct : cl a c

nkg tyggé dgl t ery ; th e
dull es t of all s ubj e ct s f o r a s eri ou s aut h o r w h at ev er it ,

may b e f o r audi enc es wh o re ad th e p olic e int elli g enc e

and s k ip th e revi ew s and l eadin g a r ticl e s I t ri ed slum .

landlo rdi sm doctrinai re F ree L ov e ( p s eudo Ib s eni s m )

,
-

ro s titution mili t a ri s m ma ia h i to ry cu rr ent

p , rr g
, e s , ,

p olitic , s na tu r al C h ri s tianity national , and individual

ch a ract er p a radox es of conv entional s oci ety h u s band
, ,

h untin g qu es tion s of con s ci enc e p rofes s ional d elu s ion s

, ,

and im p o s tu res all wo rk ed into a s eri es of c om edi es of

,

mann er s in th e cla s s ic fa sh ion w h ich was th en v ery ,

muc h out of fa sh ion th e m e ch anical t rick s of P a ri s ian

,
“con s t ruction ” b e in d c ri u eur i n th e t h e at re B ut
g g .

th i s t h ou g h it o ccup i ed m e and es tabli sh ed m e p ro f es

,

s i o n al l y
, did not con stitut e me an icono g r a p h e r of th e
r eli g ion of m tim e and t h u s fulfil my natu ral function
y ,

as an a r ti s t I was quit e con s ciou s of t h i s ; f o r I h ad

.

al way s known t h at civilization n eed s a reli g ion as a

matt er of life o r d eath ; and as th e c onc ep tion of
( 2m m d ev elo p ed I s aw th at we w ere at la s t
with in r e ac h of a fait h wh ich com p li ed with th e fi rs t
condition of all t h e reli g ion s t h at h av e ev er ta k en h old
funda
c rucial
with m e ; f o r I h ad s ee n B ibl e fe tich i s m aft er ,

s tandin g u p to all th e r ationali s tic batt eri e s of H um e ,

V oltai re and th e res t colla p s e b efo re th e on slau g h t of

, ,

muc h l es s g ifted E volutioni s t s s ol ely be cau se th ey d i s

,
0 B ack to M et hus elah
did not cut th es e ce reb ral ca p ers in m ere incon sid er a te
exu ber anc e . I di d it b ecau s e the wo rs t conv ention of
t h e c r itici s m of t h e t h e at re cu rr ent at th at tim e was t h at
int ell ectual s eriou sn es s i s out of plac e on th e s ta g e ;
th at t h e t h eat re i s a p lac e of s h allow amu s em ent ; th at
eo l e o t h ere to b e s oot h ed aft e r th e e no rmou s int el
p p g
l ectual s t rain of a day in th e city : in sh o rt t h at a ,

p layw ri
g h t i s a p e rs on w h o s e bu s in es s it i s to mak e

unwh ol es om e conf ection ery out of ch ea p emotion s M y .

an sw er to t h i s was to p u t all my int ell ectual g ood s in

th e sh O p window und er th e s i g n of M an and S u p er man .

T h at p a r t of my d es i g n s ucc eed ed .B y g o od luck and

actin g , t h e com edy t rium p h e d on th e s ta g e ; and th e
boo k was a g ood d eal di s cu s se d S inc e th en th e s w eet
.

s h 0 p vi ew of th e t h e at re h as been out of count enanc e ;

and i ts c ritical expo n ent s h av e b een d riv en to tak e an

int ell ectual p o s e wh ich t h ou gh oft en mo re t ryin g th an
,

th ei r old int ell e ctually ni h ili s tic vul g a rity at l ea s t con

,

c ed es th e di g nity of th e th eat re not to m ention th e us e

,

fuln es s of t h o se wh o liv e by c riticiz in g it A nd th e .

youn g er pla y wri g h t s are not only t a k in g t h eir art

s er iou s ly , but be in g ta k en s eriou s ly th em s elves T h e .

c ritic wh o ou g h t to b e a n ew sbo y i s now comp a r ativ ely

ra re.

I now find mys elf in sp i red to mak e a s econd l eg end of

C re ativ e E volutio n wit h out di s t raction s and emb elli sh
m ent s My s and s are runnin g out ; t h e exub eranc e of
.

1 9 01 h as a g ed into th e g a rrulity of 1 920 ; and th e war

h as be en a s t ern intimation th at th e matt er i s not o n e to
b e tri fled with I abandon t h e l eg end o f D on Juan with
.

i t s er otic a s s ociation s and go back to th e l eg end of th e

,

G a rd en of E d en I exploit the et ernal int eres t of th e

.

p h ilo s o ph er s s ton e w h ic h enabl es m en to liv e f o r ev er

’
.

I am not I h ope und er mo re illu s ion th an i s humanly

, ,

i n evitabl e as to th e c rudity of t h i s my be innin of a

g g
 B ack to M ethus el ah ci
“

B ibl e f o r C reativ e E volution I am doin g th e bes t I can

.

at my ag e M y p ow ers are wanin g ; but s o much th e

.

bett er f o r t h o s e wh o found m e unbe a r ably b rilliant

wh en I was in my p rim e It i s my h op e t h at a h und red
.

ap t er and mo re el eg ant p a rabl es by youn g er h and s will

s oon l eav e min e as f ar b eh ind as th e r eli iou s ictu r es
g p
of th e fift eent h c entu ry l eft beh ind th e fi rs t att em p t s of
th e ea rly C h ri s tian s at icono g r a p h y
. In t h at h o pe I
wi th d raw and rin g up t he cu rtain .
2 I n th e B eg in n in g P art I

EVE [ try in g to s h ak e i t an d r o ll i t ov er] I t i s s ti ff and

cold .

ADAM N ot h in g will wa k e it
. .

EVE It h as a qu ee r s m ell P ah ! [ S h e d us ts h er
. .

h an d s an d d raws away f r o m i t ] D id you find it li k e

, .

t hat ?
ADAM N o It was p l ayin g about ; and it t ri p p ed
. .

and w ent h ead ov er h eel s I t n ev e r s ti rred a g ain I ts . .

n eck i s w ro n g [H e s to op s to l i f t t he n ec k an d s h ew
.

h er .
]
EVE . D ont touch it . C o m e away from it .

[ T h ey b o th r e tr e at , a n d c on te m
p l ate i t f o m
r a f ew

s te s d i s t an c e wi th r o wi n ul si o n ]
’
re
p g g p
EVE A dam . .

ADAM Y es ? .

EVE S u p p o s e you w ere to t ri p and fall would you

.
,

o li k e t h at ?
g
ADAM U g h ! [ H e s h u dd ers an d s i ts d o wn o n the
.

ro c k .
]
EVE [ th ro wi n g h er s el f on th e g ro u n d b es i d e h i m, an d

g r as ing
p h is k n ee ] You mu s t be ca reful . P romi s e m e
you will b e ca reful .

ADAM W h at i s th e g o od of b ein g ca reful ? W e h av e

.

to liv e h ere f o r ev er T h in k of wh at f o r ev er m ean s !

.

S o on e r o r lat er I s h all t r i p and fall It may b e tomo r .

ro w ; i t may b e aft er as man y day s as t h er e are l e av es in

th e g a r de n and g r ain s of s and by th e riv e r N o matt er .

s om e day I s h all fo rg et and s tumbl e .

EVE I too . .

ADAM [ h o rri fi ed ] O h no no I sh ould b e alon e , . .

Alon e f o r ev er You mu s t n ev e r p u t you rs elf in dan g er

.

of s tumblin g You mu s t not mov e about You mu s t

. .

s i t s till I will tak e ca re of you and b rin g you w h at you

.

want .

EVE [ turn i n g away f ro m hi m wi th a s hrug an d hug ,

Act I I n th e B eg in n in g 3

i n h e r an k l e s ] I s h ould s oon g et ti re d of t h at B
g g e .

s id es , i f it h a en e d to you , I s h ould b e alon e I could

pp .

not s i t s till t h en A nd at la s t it would h a pp en to m e too

. .

ADAM A nd t h en ?
.

EVE T h en we s h ould b e no mo re T h ere would b e

. .

only th e t h in g s o n all fours and the bi rd s and the , ,

s na k e s .

AD AM T h at mu s t not b e
. .

EVE Y es : t h at mu s t not b e B ut it mi g h t be
. . .

ADAM N o I t ell you it mus t not b e I k now t hat

. . .

it mu s t not b e .

EVE W e bo t h k now it H o w do we k now it ?

. .

ADAM T h ere i s a voic e in th e g a rde n t h at t ell s m e

.

t h in g s .

EVE T h e g a rd en i s full of voic es s o m etim es T h ey

. .

p u t all s o rt s of t ho u h t s into my h e ad
g .

ADAM o m e t h e r e i s only o n e voic e

.
T
It i s v ery low ; .

but it i s s o n e a r th at it i s li k e a wh i s p er f r om wit h in my
s elf. T h er e i s no mi s ta k in g i t f o r any voic e of th e bi r ds
o r b ea s t s o r f o r you r voic e
, .

EVE It i s s t ran g e t h at I sh ould h ea r voic es f r om all

.

s id es and y o u only o n e f r om wit h in B ut I h ave s om e.

t h ou g h t s t h at com e fr om with in m e and not f rom th e

voic es T h e th ou g h t t h at we mu s t not c ea s e to be com es
.

f rom wit h in .

ADAM [ d esp ai ri n g l y ] B ut we s h all c ea s e to b e W e .

s h all fall li k e th e fawn and b e b r o k e n [ R i s i n g and .

mo v i n g ab o u t i n hi s ag i t at i on ] I cannot be a r t h i s k nowl
ed e I will no t h av e it It mu s t not b e I t ell you
g . .
, .

Y e t I do not k now h o w to p rev e nt it .

EVE T h at i s j u s t wh at I feel ; but it i s v ery s tran g e

.

th at you sh ould s ay s o : t h ere i s no p l ea s in g you You .

c h an e you r mind s o oft en

g .

ADAM [ s c o l din g h er ] W h y do you s ay th at ? H o w

h av e I c h an g ed my mind ?
4: I n th e B eg in n in g P art I

EVE You s ay we mu s t not c ea s e to exi s t B ut you

. .

u s ed to comp lain of h avin g to exi s t alway s and f o r ev er .

You s om etim es s i t f o r h ou rs b ro odin g and s il ent h atin g ,

m e in you r h e a rt Wh en I ask you wh at I h av e don e to

.

you you s ay you are not t h ink in g of m e but of th e

, ,

h o r r o r o f h avin g to b e h er e f o r ev er B ut I k now v ery .

w ell t h at wh at you me an i s th e h o rro r of h avin g to b e

h ere with m e f o r ev er .

A DAM O h ! T h at i s wh at you t h ink i s it ? W ell

.
, ,

you are w ron g [H e s i ts d o wn ag ai n su l k i l y ] It i s

.
, .

t h e h o rro r of h avin g to b e wit h my s elf f o r ev er I li k e .

you ; but I do not li k e my s elf I want to b e di ff erent ; .

to b e b ett er ; t o b eg in a g ain and a g ain ; to sh ed my s elf

as a s na k e s h ed s i ts s k in I am ti r ed of my s elf A nd
. .

et I mu s t endu r e my s elf not f o r a day o r f o r m any

y ,

day s but f o r ev er T hat i s a d re adful th ou g h t T h at

, . .

i s w h at mak es m e s i t b r oodin g and s il ent and h at eful .

D o you n ev er th in k of th at ?
EVE N o : I do not t h ink about my s elf : wh at i s t h e
.

u se ? I am Wh at I am : noth in g can alt er t h at I t h in k .

about you .

ADAM You s h ould not You are alway s s p yin g on

. .

me . I can n ev er b e alon e You alway s want to k now .

wh at I h ave be en doin g It i s a bu rd en You s h ould . .

t ry to h av e an exi s t enc e of you r own in s t ead of occu p y ,

i n g you rs elf with my exi s t enc e .

EVE I h av e to t h ink about you You are lazy : you

. .

are di r ty : you n eg l e ct you r s elf : you ar e alway s d r eam

i n g : you would e at bad food and b e com e di s g u s tin g if I

did not watch you and occu p y my self with you A nd .

now s om e day in s p it e of al l my ca re you will fall on

, ,

you r h ead and b e com e d ead .

ADAM D ead ? W h at wo rd i s th at ?
.
‘

EVE [ p o i n ti n g to the f awn ] L i k e t h at I call it d ead . .

6 I n th e B eg in n i n g P art I

Eve will n ev er be lon ely now th at h er s nak e can tal k to

h er.

THE SNAKE I can talk of many th in g s I am v ery

. .

wi se It was I wh o wh i s p ered th e wo r d to you t h at you

.

did not k now D ead D eat h D i e

. . . .

E V E [ sh ud d eri n g ] W hy do you remind m e of it ? I

fo rg ot it wh en I s aw you r b eautiful h oo d You mu s t .

not remind m e of un h a pp y th in gs .

T HE SERPENT . D e ath i s not an unh a pp y th in g wh en

y o u h av e l e a r nt h o w to conqu er it .

E V E Ho w can I con qu er it ?
.

TH E SERPENT . B y anoth er th in g call ed bi rt h , .

EVE Wh at ? [ T ryi n g to p ron o un c e i t ] B bi rth ?

.
-

T HE SERPENT . Y es bi r t h , .

E V E Wh at i s bi r th ?
.

T HE SERPENT T h e s erp ent n ev er di es

. S om e day .

you s h all s ee me com e out of thi s beautiful s k in a n ew ,

s na k e wit h a n ew and lov eli er s k in T h at i s bi r th . .

EV E I h av e s een th at It i s wond erful

. . .

T HE SER P ENT . If I can do th at wh at can I not do ? ,

I t ell you I am v ery s ubtl e Wh en you and A dam tal k.

,
“
I h ea r you s ay W h y ? A lway s W h y ? You s ee
” “ ”

“
t h in g s ; and you s ay W hy ? B ut I d re am t h in g s t hat
”

n ev er w ere ; and I s ay
“W hy not ? ”
I mad e th e wo rd
d ead to d es c r ib e my old s k in t h at I ca s t wh en I am re
n ew ed I call th at ren ewal b ein g bo rn
. .

EVE B o r n i s a b e autiful wo rd
. .

THE SERPENT W hy not be bo r n a g ain and a g ain as

.

I am n ew and b e autiful ev ery tim e ?

,

EVE I ! It do es not h a pp en : th at i s wh y
. .

THE SERPEN T T h at i s h o w ; but it i s not why W h y

. .

not ?
EVE B ut I sh ould not lik e it It would be nic e to b e
. .

n ew a g ain ; but my old skin would l i e on th e g round

A ct I I n the B eg inn in g 7

loo k in g j u s t li k e m e ; and A dam would se e it s h rivel up

and
THE SERPENT N o H e n eed not T h ere i s a s econd
. . .

b i rth .

EVE A s econd bi rth ?

.

THE SERPENT L i s t en I will t ell you a g reat s e c ret

. . .

I am v ery s ubtl e ; and I h av e t h ou g h t and t h ou g h t an d

t h ou g h t A nd I am v e ry wilful and mu s t h ave wh at
.
,

I want ; and I h av e will e d and will ed and will e d A nd .

I hav e eat e n s t r an g e th in g s : ston es and ap p l es t h at you

ar e af r aid to e at .

EVE You da red

. .

THE SERPENT I da re d ev eryt h in g A nd at l a s t I

. .

found a way of g ath erin g to g et h er a p a rt of the life in

my body
EVE W h at i s th e life ?
.

THE SERPENT T h at wh ich mak es t he di ff erenc e b e

.

tw een th e d e ad fawn and th e liv e o n e .

EVE Wh at a b e autiful wo rd ! A nd wh at a wond er

.

ful th in g ! L ife i s th e lov eli es t of all th e n ew wo rd s .

THE SERPENT Y es : it was by m editatin g on L ife

.

t h at I g ain ed the p ow er to do mi racl es .

EVE M i r acl es ? A noth er n ew wo r d

. .

THE SERPENT A mi racl e i s an imp o s s ibl e t h in g t h at

.

i s n ev ert h el es s p o s s ibl e S om et h in g th at n ev er could

.

h a p p en and y e t do es h a p p en
, .

EVE T ell m e s om e mi racl e t h at you h av e don e

. .

THE SERPENT I g ath ered a p a r t of th e life in my

.

body and sh ut it into a tiny wh it e ca s e mad e of t h e

,

s ton es I h ad e at en .

EVE A nd wh at g ood was th at ?

.

THE SERPENT I s h ew e d th e littl e ca s e to the s un and

.
,

l e ft it in i t s wa rmt h A nd it bu rs t ; and a littl e s nak e

.

cam e out ; and it b e cam e bi g g er and bi g g er from day to

day until it was as bi g as I T h at was th e second bi rth . .
8 I n th e B eg in n in g P art I

E V E O h ! T h at i s too wonde rful It s ti r s in s id e

. .

me . It hu rt s .

THE SERPENT It n ea rly to r e me a s unde r Y et I am

. .

aliv e and can bu rs t my s k in and ren ew my s elf as b efo re

, .

S oon t h ere will b e as many s na k e in E d en as t h ere are s

s cal es on my body T h en d eath will not matt er : th i s

.

s na k e and t h at s nak e will d i e ; but t h e s na k e s will liv e .

EVE B ut th e res t of u s will d i e s oon er o r lat er li k e

.
,

t h e fawn A nd t h en t h ere will b e noth in g but s nak es

.
,

s na k e s s na k e s ev erywh e re
, .

THE SERPENT T h at mu s t n ot b e I wo rs h i p you

. .
,

E ve . I mu s t h av e s om et h in g to wo rs h i p S o m eth in g .

quit e di ff e r ent to my self lik e you T h ere mu s t b e s om e , .

t h in g g reat er t h an th e s nak e .

EVE Y es : it mu s t not b e A dam mu s t not p er i sh

. . .

You ar e v ery s ubtl e : t ell m e wh at to do .

THE SERPENT T h in k W ill E at th e du s t L ick

. . . .

th e wh it e s ton e : bit e th e a p p l e you dr ead T h e s u n will .

g iv e lif e .

EVE I do n ot t ru s t th e s un I will g iv e life my s elf

. . .

I will t ea r anoth er A dam from my body if I t ea r my

body to p i e c es in th e act .

THE SERPENT D o D a re it E v eryt h in g i s p o s

. . .

s ibl e : ev e ryt h in g L i s t en I am old I am th e old

. . .

s er ent old er t h an A dam old er t h an E v e I r em emb er

p , , .

L ilit h wh o cam e b efo re A dam and E v e

,
I was h er .

d a rlin g as I am you rs S h e was alon e : th ere was no

.

man with h er S h e s aw d e at h as you s aw it wh en t h e

.

fawn f ell ; and sh e k n ew t h en th at sh e mu s t find out h o w

to r en ew h ers elf and ca s t th e sk in lik e me S h e h ad a .

mi gh ty will : sh e s t rov e and s t rov e and will ed and will ed

f o r mo re moon s t h an t h er e are l e av es on all th e t rees of
t h e g a rd en H er p an g s w ere t erribl e : h er g roan s d rov e
.

s l ee fr om E d en S h e s aid it m u s t n ev er b e a g ain : th at
p .

th e bu r d en of ren ewin g life was p a s t b ea rin g : t h at it

 I n th e B eg inn in g P art I
'

THE S ER P ENT T h in g s w ea r out by p ractic e : th ey

.

do not g row by it You r h ai r s t r e am s in th e wind as if

.

it w ere t ryin g to s t retch it s elf fu r t h er and fu rth er B ut .

it do e s not g ro w lon g er f o r all i t s p ractic e in s t reamin g ,

b ecau s e you h av e not will ed it s o W h en L ilith told m e .

w h at s h e h ad ima g in ed in o u r s il ent lan g ua g e ( f o r th ere

w ere no wo rd s t h en ) I bad e h er d es i re it and will it ; and
th en to o u r g reat wond er th e th in g sh e h ad d es i red
, ,

and will ed c reat ed it s elf in h er und er th e u rg in g of h er

will T h en I t oo will e d to r en ew my s elf as two in st ead
.

of o n e ; and aft er many day s t h e mi racl e h app en ed and ,

I bu rs t from my s k in wit h anoth er s nak e int erlac ed with

m e ; and now th e re are t wo ima g inat i on s two d es i res , ,

two will s to c reat e with .

EVE T o d es i re to ima g in e to will to creat e T h at

.
, , , .

i s too lon g a s to ry Find m e o n e wo rd f o r it all : you

.
,

wh o ar e s o cl ev er at wo rd s .

THE SERPENT In o n e wo r d to co nceiv e T h at i s th e

.
, .

wo rd t h at m ean s both th e b eg innin g in ima g ination and

th e en d in c r e ation .

EVE Find me a wo rd f o r th e sto ry L ilit h ima g in ed

.

and told you in you r sil ent lan g ua g e : th e s to ry th at was

too wonder ful to be t ru e and y et cam e t ru e , .

THE SERPENT A p o em . .

EVE Find m e anoth er wo rd f o r wh at L ilit h was t o

.

me .

T HE SERPENT . S h e was you r moth er .

EVE . A nd A dam s moth er ?

’

THE SERPENT Y es
. .

EVE [ ab ou t t o r i s e ] I will g o and t ell A dam to con

i
c e v e.

THE SERPENT [ g s]
l au h !

EVE [ j arred and s tar tl ed ] Wh at a h at e ful noi s e !

Wh at i s th e mat ter wit h you ? N o o n e h a s ev er utt ered
s uch a s ound be for e .
A ct I I n th e B eg inn in g 11

TH E S E E P E N T A dam cannot conc eive

'

. .

E V E W hy ? .

T H E SERPENT . L ilit h did not i mag in e h i m s o . He

c an ima g in e : h e can will : h e can d es i re : h e can g ath er
hi s life to g eth er f o r a g reat sp rin g towa r ds c r e ation
h e can c reat e all th in g s exc ep t o ne ; and t h at o n e i s h i s
own k ind .

E V E W hy did L ilith k eep th i s from hi m ?

.

THE SERPENT B ecau s e if h e could do th at h e could

.

do with out E v e .

E V E T h at i s t ru e It i s I who mu s t conc eive . .

THE S E E P E N T Y es B y th at h e i s ti ed to you
. . .

EVE A nd I to hi m !
.

THE SERPENT Y es until you c reat e anoth er A dam

.
, .

EVE I had not th ou g h t of t h at You are v ery

. .

s ubtl e . B ut if I c reat e anoth er E v e h e may tu rn to h er

and do with out me I will not c reat e any E v es only .
,

A dam s .

THE SE R PEN T T h ey cannot ren ew th em s elv es wi th

.

out E v es S oon er o r lat er you will d i e li k e th e fawn ;

.

and th e n ew A dam s will be unabl e to c reat e wit h out n ew

E v es . You can ima g in e s uch an en d ; but you cannot
d es i re it th erefo re cannot will it th ere fo re cannot c re at e
, ,

A dam s only .
o

EV E .If I am to d i e like t he fawn wh y sh ould no t ,

th e r es t d i e too ? Wh at do I ca re ?
THE SERPENT L ife mu s t not c ea s e T h at com e s
. .

b efo re ev eryth in g It i s s illy to s ay you do not ca re

. .

You do ca re It i s t hat ca re th at will p r om p t you r

.

ima g i nation ; i nflam e you r d es i res ; mak e you r will i rre

s i s t i bl e ; and c reat e o u t of noth in
g .

E V E [ tho ug h tf u ll y ] T h ere can b e no s uch th in g as

noth in g T h e g a rd en i s full not em p ty
.
, .

THE SERPENT I h ad not th ou g h t of th at T h at i s

. .

a g reat t h ou gh t Y es : th ere i s no such th in g as not h in g

.
,
12 I n th e B eg in n i n g Pa rt I

o nly t hi n g s we cannot s ee. T he ch am el eon e at s th e

ai r .

EVE I h av e ano th er t h ou g h t : I mu s t t ell it to A dam

. .

[ C al l i n
g ] A dam ! A dam ! C oo ee ! -

A D A M s VO I CE C oo ee !
’
-

EVE T h i s will pl ea s e h i m and cu re h i s fi ts of m elan

.
,

c h ol
y .

THE SERPENT D o not t ell h i m y et I h av e not told

. .

you th e g re at se c ret .

EVE Wh at mo r e i s t h ere to t ell ? It i s I wh o h av e

.

to do t h e mi r acl e .

THE SERPENT N o : h e too mu s t d es i re and will

.
, , .

B u t h e mu s t g iv e hi s d es i r e and h i s will to you .

EVE H o w ? .

THE SERPENT T h a t i s th e g reat sec ret Hu sh ! h e

. .

1 8 com i n
g .

ADAM [ retu rni n g ] I s th ere anoth er v 0 1 c e m th e g a rd en

b esid es o ur voic es and t h e V oic e ? I h ea r d a n ew voic e .

EVE [ r is i n g and run n i n g to h i m ] O nly t h in k A dam ! ,

O ur s na k e h as l e a r nt to s p eak by li s t enin g to u s .

ADAM [ d el i g h ted ] I s it s o ? [ H e g o es p as t h er t o th e
s t o n e, an d f o n d l es t he s er
p en t. ]
THE SERPENT [ res p on di ng aff ec ti o natel y ] It i s s o ,

d ea r A dam .

E V E B ut I h av e mo re wond er ful n ew s t h an t h at
. .

A da m : we n eed not liv e f o r ev er .

ADAM [ d rap p i n g th e sn ak e s h ead i n h i s exc i temen t ] ’

What ! E v e : do not p lay with m e about th i s I f only .

th ere m ay b e an en d s om e day and yet no en d ! If only ,

I can b e r eli ev ed of t h e h o rr o r of h avin g to endu re my

s elf f o r ev er ! If only th e ca re of t h i s t erribl e g a rd en
may p a s s on to s om e ot h er g a rd en er ! If only th e s en
tin el s et by th e V oic e can b e reli ev ed ! If only th e r es t
and sl eep t h at enabl e m e to bea r it from day to day
could g r ow aft er man y day s into an e t ernal r es t an ,
1 44 I n th e B eg in n in g P art I

c t You s ee E v e wh at a s pl endid th in g it i s not to

s e re .
, ,

h av e t o live f o r ev er .

E V E [ th ro wi ng h e rs el f d o wn d i s c o n ten tedl y and p l u ck

i ng at the g ras s ] T h at i s s o li k e a man T h e mom ent .

you find we n eed not la s t f o r ev er you tal k as if we w ere ,

g oin g to en d today You mu s t cl e a r away s om e of t h o s e

.

h o rrid t h in g s o r we s h all b e s c ratc h e d and s tun g w h en

,

e v er we fo r et to loo k wh ere we ar e s t e in
g pp g .

ADAM O h y es s om e of th em of cou rs e B ut only

.
, , .

s om e . I will cl ea r t h em away tomo rrow .

THE SERPENT [ l aug h s ]

ADAM T h at i s a funny noi s e t o ma k e I li k e it
. . .

EVE I do not W h y do you mak e i t a g ain ?

. .

THE SERPENT A dam h as inv ent ed s om eth in g n ew

. .

H e h as inv ent ed tomo rrow You will inv e nt th in g s ev e ry .

d ay now t h at th e bu r d en of im m o r tality i s lift ed fr om

you .

EVE Immo rtality ? W h at i s t h at ?

.

THE SERPENT M y n ew wo r d f o r h avin g to liv e f o r

.

e v er .

EVE T he s erp ent h as mad e a b e autiful wo r d f o r

.

b ein g L ivin g
. .

ADAM M a k e me a beautiful wo r d f o r doin g t h in g s

.

tomo rr ow ; f o r th at s u rely i s a g re at an d bl es s ed
inv ention .

T H E SERPENT P rocr a s tination . .

EVE T h at i s a s w eet wo rd I wi s h I h ad a s erp ent s

. .
’

ton g u e .

THE SERPENT T h at m ay com e too E v eryth in g

. .

p o s s ibl e .

ADAM [ s p ri n g i n g u p i n s ud d en terro r ] O h !
EVE W h at i s th e matt er now ?
.

ADAM My res t ! My es ca p e from life

. .

THE S E E P E N T D e ath T h at i s th e wo rd. . .

Act I I n th e B eg in n in g 15

ADAM T h ere i s a t erribl e dan g er i n t h i s p r oc r a s tina

.

tion .

EVE Wh at dan g er ?
.

ADAM If I p ut o f de ath un til tomo rrow I s h all

.
,

n ev er di e T h ere i s no s uch day as tomo rr ow and n ev er

.
,

can b e .

THE SERPENT I am v ery s ubtl e ; but M an i s d eep er

.

i n h i s t h ou g h t t h an I am T h e woman k now s t h at th e r e
.

i s no s uc h t h in g as noth in g : th e man k now s t h at t h ere

i s no s uch day as tomo rr ow I do well to wo r s h i p t h em . .

ADAM If I am to und erta k e d e at h I mu s t a pp oint

.
,

a re al day not a tomo rrow , Wh en sh all I d i e . .

EVE You may d i e wh en I h av e m ad e anoth er A dam

. .

N ot be fo re B ut t h en as s oon as you li k e [ S h e ri s e s
.
, . ,

an d p as si n
g b ehi n d h i m s tro ll s o ff c arel es sl y to th e t ree
,

and l ean s ag ain s t i t s t ro k i n g a r i n g o f th e sn ak e ]

, .

ADAM . T h er e n ee d b e no h u rry ev en th en .

EVE I s ee you will p ut it o ff until tomo rr ow

. .

ADAM A nd you ? W ill you di e t h e m om ent you h av e

.

made a n ew E v e ?
EVE W hy sh ould I ? A re you e a g er to be ri d of
.

me ? O nly j u s t now you want ed m e to s i t s till and n ev er

mov e l es t I s h o uld stumbl e and di e lik e th e fawn N ow .

you no lon g er ca re .

ADAM It do es not matt er s o much now

. .

EVE [ an g ri l y to th e s n ak e] T h i s d eath t h at you h av e

b rou g h t into th e g a rden i s an evil thi n g H e want s m e .

to di e .

T HE SERPENT [ to A d am ] D o you want h er to di e ?

ADAM N o It i s I wh o am to di e E v e mu st n ot
. . .

d i e be fo re m e I sh ould b e lon ely

. .

EVE You could g e t o n e of th e n ew E v es

.
.

ADAM T h at i s t ru e B ut t hey mi gh t not b e quit e

. .

th e s am e They could not : I feel s u re of t h at

. Th ey .
16 I n th e B eg i n n in g P art I

would no t h av e th e s am e m emo ri es T h ey wo ul d b e— I .

want a wo r d f o r t h em .

THE S E E E E N T S t ran g ers . .

ADAM Y es : t h at I S a g o od h a r d wo rd S t ran g ers

. . .

EVE W h en th ere are n ew A dam s and E v es we s h al l

.

liv e in a g a r d en of s t r an g ers W e s h all n eed e ac h o th er . .

[ S h e c o me s q ui c k l
y b eh i n d h i m an d tu rn s u
p h i s
f ac e t o
h er ] .Do not fo r g e t th at , A dam N ev er fo rg e t it . .

ADAM W hy sh ould I fo rg e t it ? It i s I wh o h av e
.

t h ou g h t of it .

EVE I too h av e th ou g h t o f s om et h in g T h e fawn

.
, , .

s tumbl ed and f ell and di e d B ut you could com e s oftly.

up b eh ind m e and [ s h e s u d d en l y p o u n ces o n h i s s h o u l d ers

and th r o ws h i m f orward o n hi s f ac e] t h row m e down s o

t h at I sh ould di ef I s h ould not da re to s l eep if th ere
w ere no r ea son wh y you s h ould not mak e m e di e .

ADAM [ s c ramb l i n g up i n h orro r ] M a k e you di e !

Wh at a fri g h tful th ou g h t !
THE SERPENT K ill k ill k ill k ill T h at i s th e wo rd
.
, , , . .

EVE T h e n ew A dam s and E v es mi g h t k ill u s I

. .

s h all not mak e th em [ S h e s i ts o n t h e r o c k an d u ll s

.
p
h i m d o wn b esid e her , c l asp i n g hi m t o h er wi th h er ri
g h t

THE SERPENT You mu st Fo r if you do not t h ere

. .

will b e an en d .

ADAM N o : t h ey will not k ill u s : t h ey will feel as I

.

do T h ere i s s om eth in g a g ain s t it T h e V oic e in th e

. .

g a rd en will t ell t h em t h at th ey mu s t not k ill as it t ell s ,

me .

THE SERPENT . T he voic e in th e g a r d en i s you r own

ADAM It i s ; and it i s not It i s s om eth in g g r e at er

. .

th an m e : I am only a p a r t of it .

EVE T h e V oic e doe s not t ell m e not to k ill you Y et

.
.
18 I n th e B eg inn in g P art I

TH E A s lon g as
SE E PE N T . you do not know the
futu re you do not k now th at it will not be h a pp i er th an
th e p a s t T h at 1 5 h op e
. .

A D AM It do es not con s ol e me Fea r i s s t ron g er in

. .

m e t h an h o p e I mu s t h av e c ertainty
.
[ H e ri s es th rea t .

en i n g l y ]
. G iv e it to me ; o r I will k ill you wh e n n ext I
catch you a s l eep .

EVE [ throwi n g h er arms ro un d the s erp en t ] M y b eau

tiful s na k e O h no H o w can you ev en th ink s uch a
. .

h o rr o r ?
ADAM Fea r will dr iv e m e t o anythin g T h e s erp e nt
. .

g av e m e fe a r L et it now .
g iv e m e c er tainty o r
g o in
fea r of m e .

THE SERPENT B ind th e futu re by you r will M ak e

. .

a vow .

AD AM Wh at i s a vow ?
.

THE S E E P E N T C ho o s e a day f or you r deat h ; and

.

res olv e to di e on t h at day T h en d eat h i s no lon g er .

unc ertain but c ertain L et E v e vow to lo ve you until .

y ou r d eat h T h en lov e will be no lon g er unc ert ain

. .

ADA M Y es : th at i s s pl endid : th at will bind the

.

EVE [ d i spl eas ed tam i ng away f ro m the s erpen t ] B ut

,

it wil l des t r oy h o p e .

ADAM [ ang ri l y] B e s il ent woman H op e i s wick ed , . .

H a pp in ess i s wic k ed C er tainty i s bl es s ed . .

THE SER P EN T What i s wick ed ? You h ave i nv ent ed

.

a wo rd .

A D AM Wh at ev er I f ea r to do i s wic k ed L i st en to
.
.

m e E v e ; and you s na k e li s t en too t h at you r m emo ry

, , , ,

may hold my vow I will liv e a th ou s and s et s of t h e fou r

.

s e a s on s

THE SERPENT Yea r s Y ea rs . . .

ADAM I will liv e a th ou s and y e a rs ; and th en I W l l l

.
A ct I I n th e B eg in n in g 19

e ndure no mo re : I will di e and ta k e my res t A nd I w i ll .

lov e E v e all th at tim e and no oth e r woman .

EVE A nd if A dam k eeps h i s vow I will lov e no oth er

.

man until h e di es .

THE S ERPENT You h ave both inv ent ed ma rria g e

. .

A nd wh at h e will b e to you and not to any oth er woman

i s h u s band ; and wh at you wi ll b e to hi m and not to any
ot her man i s wife .

ADAM [ i n s ti nc ti v el y mo v i ng h i s h an d to ward s her]

Hu sband and wife .

EVE [ sl i p p i n g h er h an d i n to hi s ] W ife and h u s band .

T HE SERPENT [ l aug h s ] '

E V E [ s n atc hi ng h ers el f l o os e f ro m A dam ] D o not

ma k e th at odiou s noi s e I t ell you , .

ADAM D o not li s t en to h er : th e n 0 1 se 1 8 g ood : it

.

li g h t en s my h ea rt You are a j olly s na k e B ut you

. .

h av e not mad e a vow yet Wh at vow do you ma k e ?

.

T HE SERPENT I m ak e no vow s I ta k e my ch anc e

. . .

ADAM C h anc e ? W h at do es th at m e an ?
.

THE SERPENT It m ean s t h at I fea r c er tainty as you

.

fe a r unc ertainty It m ean s th at not h in g i s c ert ain but

.

unc ert ainty If I bind th e futu re I bind my will If I

. .

bind my will I s t ran g le c reation .

EVE Creation m u s t not be s t r an g l ed I tell you I

. .

will c reat e tho u g h I t e a r my s elf to p i ec es in th e act

, .

ADAM B e s il ent both of you I will bind th e futu re

.
, . .

I will b e d eliv e re d from fea r [ T o E v e ] W e h av e mad e .

o u r vow s ; and if you will c re at e you s h all c reat e wit h in ,

th e bound s of t h o s e vow s You s h all not li s t en to th at

.

s n ak e any mo r e C om e [ h e s ei z es her b y the h ai r t o d rag

.

h er away ] .

E V E L et m e g o you fool It h as not yet told m e

.
, .

th e s ec ret .

ADAM [ rel easi n g her] T h at i s t r ue Wh at i s a fool ? .

EVE I do n ot know : th e wo rd c am e to me It was

. .
20 I n th e B eg inn in g P art I

wh at you are wh en you fo rg et and b ro od and are fill ed

with fea r L et us li s t en to th e s nak e
. .

ADAM N o : I am afraid of it I feel as if th e

. .

g r ound w e re
g ivin g way und er my f eet w h en it s e a k s
p .

D o you s tay and li s t en to it .

THE SERPENT [ l aug h s ]

ADAM [ b ri g h ten i ng ] T h at noi s e tak es away fea r .

Funny . T h e s na k e and th e woman ar e g oin g to wh i s pe r

s ec ret s
.
[ H e c h uc k l es an d g o es away s l o wl y l au,g h i n
g
h i s fi rs t l aug h ]
.

EVE N ow th e s ec re t T h e s ec ret [ S he s i ts o n the

. . .

r o c k an d th ro ws h er arms rou nd th e s erpen t wh o b eg i n s

,

wh i s p eri n g to he r ]
.

[ f l i h w i h i i i h
’
E v e s ac e g t s u
p t n ten s e n t er e s,
t wh c

i n cre as es un til an expr es s i o n o f o v er wh el mi n g rep ug

n an c e t ak es i ts l ace S he b uri es her f ac e i n her h an d s ]
p . .
22 I n th e B eg inn ing P art I

g r eav es ; and
h i s b ri s tl i ng mil i tary mo u s t ac h e g l i s ten s
wi th oi l T o h i s p aren ts h e h as the s el f as s er ti v e n o t
.
-

q u i t e at eas e man n er o
- -

f a r e v o l ted s o n wh o k n o ws t h a t h e

i s n o t f o rg i v en n or app ro v ed o f
]

CA I N [ to A d am ] S till di g g in g ? A lway s di g , di g , d i g .

S tic k in g in th e old fu rr ow N o p ro g res s ! no advanc ed .

id ea s ! no adv entu res ! W h at s h ould I b e if I h ad s tuck

to th e di g g in g you tau g h t m e ?
ADAM Wh at are you now , with you r sh i eld and
.

s e a r , and you r b r o th erg bl o o d c r yin

'

’
f o r ound
'

p g r m th e
g
a g ain s t you ?
GA I N I am th e fi rs t mu rde rer : you are only t h e fi rs t
.

man A nybody could b e th e fi rs t m an : it i s as ea s y as

.

to b e th e fi rs t cabba g e T o b e th e fi rs t mu rde r er o n e .

mu s t b e a man of s p i rit .

ADAM B eg on e L eav e u s in p e ac e T he wo rld i s

. . .

wid e enou g h to k eep u s a p a rt .

EVE W hy do y o u want to d r ive h i m away ? H e i s

.

min e I mad e h i m out of my own body I want to s ee

. .

my wo rk s o me tim es .

ADAM You mad e A bel al s o H e k ill ed Abel Can

. . .

you b ea r t o lo ok at h i m aft er t h at ?
CA I N Wh o s e fault was it th at I kill ed A bel ? W h o
.

inv ent ed killin g ? D id I 9 N o : h e inv ent ed it h im sel f . .

I follow e d you r t e ac h in g I d ug and dug and d u g . .

I cl e a red away th e th i s tl es and b ria rs I at e th e f ruit s .

o f th e ea r t h I liv ed in th e s weat of my b row , as you

.

do .
I was a fo ol B ut Ab el was a di s cov e rer, a .

man of id e a s , of sp i rit : a t ru e P r o gres s iv e H e was th e .

di s coverer of blood H e was th e inv ento r of k illin g

.
i
.

H e found out th at th e fi re o f th e s u n could b e b rou g h t

down by a d ewd r op H e inv ent ed th e alta r to k eep th e
.

fi re aliv e H e c h an g
. e d th e b e a s t s h e k ill e d into m e at by
th e fi re on t h e alta r H e k e
p t h im. s elf aliv e by e atin g
m eat H i s m eal co s t h i m a day s g lo riou s h ealt gi vin g
’
h —
.
A ct II I n th e B eg in ni n g 23

s
p o r t and an h ou r s amu s in
g p lay
’
with th e fi re You .

l ea rnt not h in g fro m h i m : you d rud g e d and d rud g ed and

d rud g ed and d ug and du g and du g and mad e me do
, ,

th e s am e I envi ed h i s h a p p in es s h i s freedom I
. , .

d esp i s ed my self f o r not doin g as h e did in s t ead of wh at

you did H e b ecam e s o h a p p y t h at h e s h a red hi s m eal
.

wit h th e V o ic e th at h ad wh i s p er ed all h i s inv ention s t o

him . H e s aid t h at th e Voic e w as th e voic e of th e fi re
t h at coo k e d hi s food and th at t h e fi re th at could cook
,

could al s o eat It was t ru e : I s aw th e fi re con s um e the

.

food on hi s alta r T h en I too mad e an alta r and

.
, , ,

o ffere d my food on it my g rain s my roots my fruit

, , , .

Us el es s : not h in g h a p p en ed H e lau g h ed at m e ; and

.

th en cam e my g re at id ea : wh y not k ill h i m as h e kill ed

th e b ea s t s ? I s t ruck ; and h e di e d j u s t as t h ey did , .

T h en I g av e u p you r old s illy d ru d g in g way s and liv ed ,

as h e h ad liv ed by th e c h a s e by t h e k illin g and by th e

, , ,

fi re. A m I not b ett er than you ? s t ron g er h ap p i er , ,

ADAM You are not s t ron g er : you are sh o rt er in the

.

wind : you c annot endu re You h av e mad e th e be a s t s .

afraid of u s ; and th e s nak e h as inv ent ed p oi s on to p ro

t e e t h ers elf a g ain s t you I fe a r you my self If you
. .

ta k e a s t ep towar ds you r moth er with t h at sp e a r of

you rs I will s t ri k e you with my s pa d e as you st ruck
A b el .

EVE He wi ll not st rik e me H e lov es m e

. . .

ADAM H e loved h i s b roth er B ut h e k ill ed hi m

. . .

C AI N I do not want to k ill wom en I do not want to

. .

kill my mo t h er A nd f o r her s ak e I will not k ill you

.
,

th ou gh I could s end th i s sp ea r th r ou g h you with out

comin g with in reach of you r S p ade B ut f o r h er I .
,

could not res i s t t h e sp o r t of t ryin g to k ill you in s p it e ,

of my fear t h at you would k ill m e I h av e s t r iv en with .

a b oa r an d with a lion as to wh ich of u s sh ould k ill th e

24 I n th e B eg i n n in g P art I

oth er I h av e s t riv en wi th a man : s p ea r to s p ea r and

.

s h i eld to s h i eld It i s t e rribl e ; but t h er e i s no j oy li k e

.

it I call it fi g h tin g H e wh o h as n ev e r fou g h t h as

. .

n ev er liv ed T h at i s wh at h as b r ou g h t m e to my mot h er
.

today .

ADAM What h av e you to do with o n e anot h er now ?

.

S h e i s th e c re ato r you t h e d es t roy er , .

C AI N H o w can I d es t roy unl es s s h e c reat es ? I want

.

h er t o c reat e mo re and mo re m en : ay e and mo re and ,

mo re wom en th at t h ey may in tu r n c reat e mo re m en I

, .

h av e ima g in e d a g lo r iou s p o em of many m en o r mo re ,

m en th an th ere ar e l eav es on a th ou s and t rees I will .

divid e t h em into two g r e at h o s t s O n e of t h em I will .

l ead ; and th e ot h er will b e l e d by t h e man I f ea r mo s t

and d esi re to fi g h t and k ill mo s t A nd ea ch h o s t s h all .

try to k ill th e ot h er h o s t T h ink of th at ! all t h o s e

.

multitud es o f m en fi g h tin g fi gh tin g k illin g k illi n g ! , , ,

T h e fou r r iv ers runnin g wit h blood ! T h e s h out s of

t rium p h ! th e h owl s of ra g e ! t h e cu rses of d es p ai r ! th e
s h r i ek s of to rm ent ! T h at will b e life ind eed : life liv ed
to th e v ery ma rr ow : bu rn in g o v ee h el mi n g life E v ery , .

man wh o has not s een it h ea r d it felt it r i sk ed it will

, , , ,

feel a h umbl ed fool in th e p res enc e of th e man wh o h as .

EVE A nd I ! I am to b e a m ere conveni enc e t o m a k e

.

men f o r you to k ill !

ADAM O r to k ill you you fo ol
.
, .

C AI N M oth er : th e mak in g o f men i s you r ri g h t you r

.
,

ri s k you r a g ony you r g lo ry you r t r ium p h

, , You mak e
, .

my fath er h ere you r m ere conv eni enc e as you call it , ,

f o r t h at H e h as to di g f o r you s w eat f o r you p lod

.
, ,

f o r you li k e th e ox wh o h el p s hi m t o t ea r u p th e g round
,
“

o r t h e as s wh o ca rri es h i s bu r d en s f o r h i m N o wo man .

s h all ma k e m e liv e my fath er s lif e I will hunt : I will ’

.

fi g h t and st riv e to the v ery bu rstin g of my s in ew s .

W hen I h av e slain th e boa r at th e ri sk of my lif e I will ,

26 I n th e B eg inn in g P art I

fi g h tin g mak es h er a dmi re and d es i re you Fool : sh e .

ma k es you fig h t becau se you b rin g h er th e o rnam ent s

‘

an d th e t r ea u r es
s of t h o s e you h ave slain and bec au s e
,

s h e i s c o u r t e d and r o itiat e d with ow er an d old by

p p p g
t h e p eo p l e wh o f ea r you . You s ay t h at I ma k e a m ere
conv eni enc e of A dam : I wh o s p in and k eep t h e h ou se ,

and b e a r and rea r children and am a woman and not a

,

p et animal to
p l e a s e m en and
p y
re on t h em ! W h at are

you you p oo r slav e of a paint ed fac e and a bundl e of

,

s k un k s f u r ? You w ere a man ch ild wh en I b o re you

’ -

L ua was a woman ch ild Wh en I bo re h er W h at h av e

-

you mad e of you rs elv es ?

GA I N [ l e t ti n gh i s s p ear f al l i n to th e c ro o k o f h i s s h i el d
arm and twi rl i ng h i s mou s t ac he ] T h e re i s s o m eth in g
,

h i g h e r t h an man T h ere i s h er o and s u p erman

. .

EVE S up erman ! You are no sup erman : you are

.

A nti M an : you are to o th er men wh at th e s toat i s to th e

-

r abbit ; and sh e i s to you wh at th e l ee c h i s to t h e s toat .

You d esp i s e you r fath er ; but wh en h e d i es th e wo rld will

be th e r ich er be cau s e h e liv ed .When you di e, m en will
s ay ,
“ He was a g rea t wa rrio r ; but it would h av e b een
b ett er f o r th e wo rld if h e h ad n ev er been bo rn ”
A nd of
.

L ua th ey will s ay no th in g ; but wh en t h ey t hink of h er

th ey wi ll sp it .

G A I N S h e i s a b ett e r s o rt of woman to liv e wit h t h an

.

y ou . If L ua na gg e d at m e as you are n a g in g , and as

g
you n ag at A dam , I would b eat h er black and blu e from
h ead to foot .I hav e don e it too , s lav e as you s ay I am .

EV E .Y es , be cau s e sh e loo k ed at ano th er man A nd .

th en you g rovell ed at her feet , and c ri ed , and b eg g ed

h er to fo rg iv e you , and w ere t en tim es mo r e h er sl aV e
t h an ev e r ; and s h e, wh en sh e h ad fini s h ed s c r eamin g and
th e p ain w e nt o ff a littl e, sh e fo rg av e you , did s h e not ?
GA I N S h e I O V ed m e mo re t h an ever T h at i s th e t ru e
. .

n atu re of woman .
Act II I n th e B eg inn in g 27

EVE [ no w p i tyi ng h i m m atern al l y ] L ov e ! Y ou call

/

th at lov e ! You call th at th e natu re of woman ! M y

boy : t hi s i s n eith er man n o r woma n n o r lov e n o r lif e .

You h av e no r eal s t ren g t h in you r bon es n o r s ap in you r

fl es h .

GA I N H a ! [ H e s ei z es h i s s p ear and s wi n g s i t mus

.

c u l arl y ] .

EVE Y es : you h av e to twi rl a s tic k to fe el you r

.

s t re n g t h : you cannot ta s t e lif e wit h out m a ki n it bitt

g er

and boilin g h o t : you cannot lov e L ua until h er fac e i s

p aint ed n o r f eel th e natu r al wa r mt h of h er fl esh until
,

you h av e s tuc k a s qui rrel s f ur on it You can feel noth

’
.

i n g but a t o rm ent and b eli ev e not h in g but a l i e

, You .

will not rai s e you r h ead to look at all th e mi r acl es of

life t h at s u rr ound you ; but you will ru n ten mil es to s ee
a fi g h t o r a d eat h .

A D AM E nou g h s aid L et th e b o y alon e

. . .

GA IN B oy ! H a ! h a !
.

EVE [ to A d am] You t h ink p erh a p s t hat h i s way of

, ,

life may b e b ett er t h an you rs aft er all You are s till .

t em p t ed W ell will you p am p er m e as h e pam p ers h i s

.
,

woman ? W ill you k ill ti g ers and be a rs until I h av e a

hea p of th ei r s k in s to loun g e on ? S h all I p aint my fac e
and l et my a rm s wa s t e into p retty s oftn e s s and e at ,

p a r t rid es and dov es

g an d t h e fl e s h of k id s w h o s e milk
,

you will s t eal f o r m e ?

ADAM You are h a rd e nou g h to b ea r wit h as you are
. .

S tay as you are ; and I will s tay as I am .

C A I N You n eit h er of you k now anyth in g about life

. .

You are s im pl e count ry fol k You are th e nu rs es and .

Val et s of th e ox en and do g s and a s s es you h av e tam ed to

wo rk f o r you I can rai s e you out of th at I h av e a
. .

p lan . W h y no t tam e m e n and w o m e n to wo rk f o r u s ?

W h y not b rin g th em U p fr om c h ildh ood n ev er to k now

any ot h er lot s o th at th ey may b eli ev e t h at we are g o d
,
28 I n th e B eg in n in g P art I

and th at t h ey are h ere only to ma k e life g lo riou s f o r u s ?

ADAM [ i mpres s s d ] T h at i s a g re at th ou g h t c ertainly , .

EVE [ c o n temp tuo u s l y ] G re at th ou g h t !

ADAM W ell as th e s erp ent u s ed to s ay why not ?
.
, ,

E V E B ecau se I would not h av e s uc h w retch es in my

.

h ou s e B ecau s e I h at e c reatu r es wit h two h e ad s o r wit h

.
,

with ered limb s o r t h at are di s to rt ed and p erv er t ed and

,

unnatural I h av e told C ain al ready t hat h e i s not a man

.

and th at L ua i s not a w o man : t h ey are mon s t ers A nd .

now y ou want to ma k e s till mo re unnatu ral mon s t ers s o ,

t h at you may b e utt erly lazy and wo r th l es s and t h at ,

you r tam ed h uman animal s may find wo rk a bla s tin g

cu rs e A fi n e d ream t r uly ! [ T o C ai n ] You r fath er
.
, .

i s a fool sk in d eep ; but you ar e a fool to you r V ery

ma rrow ; and you r ba g gag e of a wif e i s wo rs e .

ADAM W hy am I a fool ? H o w am I a g reat er fool

.

t h an you ?
EVE You s aid t h ere would b e no k illin g b ecau s e th e
.

V oic e woul d t ell o ur c h ild ren th at th ey mu s t not k i l l .

W hy di d it not t ell C ain th at ?

GA I N It did ; but I am not a c h ild to b e afraid of a
.

V oic e T h e V oic e t h ou gh t I was noth in g but my b rot h

.

er s k ee er
’
p It found t.h at I w as my s elf and t h at it ,

was f o r A b el to b e h im s elf al s o and loo k to h im s elf , .

H e was not my k eep er any mo re t h an I was h i s : wh y

di d h e not k ill me ? T h ere was n o mo re to p rev ent h i m
th an th ere was t o p rev ent m e : it w as man to man ; and I
won I was th e fi rst conqu e r o r
. .

ADAM W hat did th e V oic e s ay to you wh en you

.

t h ou g h t all th at ?
GA I N W hy it g av e m e ri g h t It s aid th at my d eed
.
, .

was as a ma rk on m e a bu rnt i n ma rk s uc h as A b el p u t ,
-

on hi s s h eep t h at no man sh ould s lay m e A nd h ere I

‘
,
.

s tand un slain wh il s t th e cowa rd s wh o h av e n ev er s lain

, ,

e m en wh o are cont ent to b e t h ei r b rot h ers k eep ers ’

th
30 I n th e B eg in n in g P art I

I h av e not liv ed as lon g as you ; but I k now all t h ere i s

to b e k nown of t h e c raft of di g g in g B y quittin g it I
, .

h av e s e t my s elf free to l e a rn nobl er c r aft s of wh ic h you

know noth in g I k now th e c raft of fi g h tin g and of h unt
.

i n g : in a wo r d th e c r aft of k illin g Wh at c ertainty

, .

h av e you of you r t h ou s and y e a rs ? I could k ill both of

you ; and you could no mo re d efend you rs elv es t h an a
coup l e of sh eep I sp a re you ; but oth ers may k il l you
. .

W h y not liv e b rav ely and d i e e a rly and ma k e r oom f o r ,

ot h e rs ? W y I
h — I ! t h at k now many mo re c r aft s t h an
,

e ith er of you am ti re d of my s elf w h en I am not fi h tin

, g g
o r h untin S oon er t h an fac e a t h ou s and y ea rs of it I
g .

sh ould k ill my s elf as t h e V oic e s om etim es t em t s m e t o

p,

do al ready .

ADAM L ia r : you d eni ed j u s t now th at it call ed on

.

you t o p ay f o r Ab el s life wit h you r own ’

.

GA I N T h e V oic e do es not s p ea k to m e as it do es to
.

you I am a man : you are only a g r own up c h ild O n e

.
-

do es not sp eak to a ch ild as to a m an A nd a man do es .

not li s t en and t rem bl e in s il enc e H e repli es : h e mak e s'

.

th e V oic e r es p ect h i m : in t h e en d h e dictat es wh at t h e

V oic e sh all s ay .

ADAM M ay you r ton g u e b e accu rs t f o r s uch bla s

.

p h emy !

EVE K eep a g ua rd on you r own ton g u e ; and do not

.

cu rs e my son It was L ilit h wh o did w ron g wh en sh e

.

sh a red th e labo r of c r e ation s o un e qually b e tw ee n man

and wife If you C ain h ad h ad th e t roubl e of ma k in g

.
, ,

A b el o r h ad h ad to mak e anoth er man to replac e h i m

,

wh en he was g on e you would not h av e k ill ed h i m : you ,

woul d h ave ri s k ed you r own life to s av e hi s T h at i s .

why all t h i s em p ty tal k of you r s wh ich t em p t ed A dam ,

j u s t now wh en h e t h rew down h i s s p ad e and li s t en ed to

you f o r a wh il e w ent by m e li k e foul wind th at h as
,

p a s sed ov er a d ead body T h at i s wh

y t h ere i s enmity .
A ct II I n the B eg in n in g 31

be tw een W oman t h e c reato r and M an t h e d es troy er I .

k now you : I am you r mot h er You are idl e : you are .

s elfi s h . It i s lon g and h a rd and p ainful to c reat e lif e :

it i s sh o r t and e a s y to s t ea l th e life ot h er s h av e mad e .

When you dug you m ad e th e ea rt h liv e and b rin g fo rth

,

as I liv e and b rin g fo r t h It was f o r t h at t h at L ilith

.

s e t you free f r om t h e t r avail of wom en not f o r th eft ,

and mu rd er .

GAI N T h e D evil th ank h er f o r it ! I can mak e b ett er

.

u s e of my t i m e th an to p lay th e h u s band to t h e clay b e

n eat h my f eet .

AD AM D evil ? Wh at n ew wo r d i s th at ?
.

GAI N H ea rk en to m e old fool I h av e n ev er in my

.
, .

s oul li s t en ed willin ly w h en you h av e told m e of th e V oic e

g
th at wh i sp ers to you T h ere mu s t b e two V oic e s : o n e
.

t h at g ull s and des p i s es you and anoth er th at t ru s t s and ,

res p e ct s me I call you rs th e D evil M in e I call t h e

. .

V oic e of G od .

A D AM M in e i s th e V oic e of L ife : you rs the V oic e of

.

D eath .

GA IN B e it s o Fo r it wh i sp ers to m e t h at d ea th i s
. .

not really d eath : th at it i s th e g at e of anoth er life ; a

life infinit ely S p l endi d and int en s e : a life of th e s oul
alon e : a life with out clods o r sp ad es h un g er o r fati g u e ,

EVE S elfi sh and idl e C ain I k now

. , . .

S elfi sh y e s : a life in wh ich no man i s h i s b rot h

,

er s k eep er b e cau s e h i s b r ot h er can k ee

’
, p hi m s elf B ut .

am I idl e ? In rej ectin g you r d rud g ery h av e I n ot em ,

b rac e d evil s and a g oni es of w h ich you k now noth in g ?

T h e a rr ow i s li gh t er in th e h and th an th e s p ad e ; but th e
e n er y t h at d riv es it t h r ou g h th e b r e a s t of a fi g h t er i s as
g
fi r e to wat er com p ared with t h e s t ren g th th at d r iv es th e
s ad e into th e h a rml es s di rty clay
p M y st ren t h i s as
g .

th e s t ren g t h of t en be cau s e my h e a r t i s p ur e .

ADAM Wh at i s th at wo rd ? What i s p ure ?

.
32 I n th e B eg in n in g P art I

GA I N .u rn ed from t h e clay T u r n e d u p wa r d to th e
T .

s u n to th e cl e a r cl ean h e av en s
, .

ADAM T h e h eav en s are emp ty c h ild T h e ea rt h i s

.
, .

f ruitful T h e e a rt h fee ds us It g iv es u s t h e s t ren g th

. .

b y w h ich we mad e you and all man k ind C ut o ff f rom .

th e clay wh ic h you d esp i s e you would p er i s h mi s er ably

, .

GAI N I revol t a g ain s t th e clay I revol t a g ain s t t h e

. .

food You s ay it g iv e s s tren g th : do es it not al s o tu rn

.

into filth and smit e u s with di s ea s es ? I revolt a g ain s t

th es e bi rth s t h at you and moth er ar e s o p r oud of T h ey .

d ra g us down t o th e l ev el of th e b e a s t s If th at i s to be .

th e la s t t h in g as it h as b ee n th e fi rs t l et man k ind p eri sh , .

If I am t o eat lik e a hear if L ua i s to b rin g fo rt h cub s

,

li k e a b ear th en I h ad rath er b e a b ea r th an a man ; f o r

,

th e b e a r i s n o t a sh am ed : h e k now s no bett e r If you are .

cont ent lik e t h e hear I am n ot S tay with th e woman

, , .

wh o g iv es you c h ild ren : I will g o to t h e woman wh o

g iv e s m e dream s G r o e in th e
.
p g r ound f o r you r food

I will b rin g it from t h e sk i es with my a rrow s o r s t ri k e ,

it down as i t roam s th e ea r t h in t h e p r id e of i ts life If .

I mu s t h av e foo d o r d i e I will at l ea s t h av e it at as f ar
,

a rem o v e fr om th e ea rt h as I can T h e ox sh all mak e it .

s om et h i ng n o bl er th an g r a s s b e fo r e it com es to m e A nd .

as th e man i s nobl er th an t h e ox I s h all s om e day l et my ,

en emy e at t h e ox ; and th en I will s lay and eat him .

ADAM M on s t er ! You h ea r t h i s E v e ?
.
,

EVE S o th at i s wh at com es of t u rnin g you r fac e to

.

th e cl e an cl ea r h eav en s ! M an eatin g ! C h ild eatin g ! - -

Fo r th at i s w h at it would com e to j u s t as it cam e to ,

la m bs and k ids wh en A b el b eg an with sh eep and g oats .

You are a p oo r s illy c reatu re aft er all D o you t hi nk .

I n ever h ave t h es e t h o u g h ts : I ! wh o h av e th e labo r of

th e ch ild be a r in g : I ! wh o h av e t h e d rud g ery of p rep a r
-

i n g th e food ? I t h ou g h t f o r a mom ent t h at p erh a p s

th i s s t r on g b r av e s o n of min e wh o could ima g in e s om e
,
34 I n th e B eg inn in g P art I

th e fi g h t ers and k ill ers com e : th ey are both v ery dull ;

f o r t h ey e it h er comp lain to me of th e la s t h a rv es t o r ,

boa s t to m e of th e la s t fi g h t ; and o n e h a rv est i s j u s t

li k e anoth er and th e la s t fi g h t only a rep etition of th e
,

firs t O h I h av e h ea rd it all a t h ou s and tim es T h ey

.
, .

t ell me too of th ei r la s t bo rn : th e cl ev er th in g th e da rlin g

-

c h ild s aid y es t erday and h o w much mo re wond erful o r

,

witty o r quaint it i s th an any ch ild t ha t ev er was bo r n

b efo re A nd I h av e to p ret end to b e s u rp ri s ed d eli g h t ed
.
, ,

int erest e d ; th ou g h th e la s t c h ild i s li k e th e fi rst and h as ,

s aid and don e not h in g t h at did not d eli g h t A dam and m e

wh en you and Ab el s aid it Fo r you w ere th e fi r s t chi l .

dren in th e wo rld and fill ed u s with s uch wond er and

,

d eli g ht as no coup l e can ev er a g ain feel wh il e th e wo rld

la st s Wh en I can b ea r no mo re I g o to our old g a rd en
.
, ,

th at i s now a m a s s of n ettl es and t h i s tl es in th e h o p e '

of findin g t h e s erp en t t o talk to B ut you h av e mad e .

th e s e rp ent o u r e n emy : sh e h as l eft th e g a rd en o r i s ,

d ead : I n ever s ee h er now S o I h av e to com e back and .

li st en to A dam s ayin g th e s am e t h in g f o r th e ten th ou -

s an d th tim e o r to rec eiv e a Vi s it fr om t h e la s t

, g re at

r e at g r and s on wh o h as r own u and want s to im res s

g g p p
-

m e with hi s im p o r tanc e O h it i s d rea ry d re a ry ! A nd

.
, ,

th ere i s yet n e a rly s ev e n h und red y ears of it to endu r e .

GAI N P oo r moth er ! You s ee life i s too lon g O n e

.
, .

ti res of ev eryth in g T h ere i s not hin g n ew und er th e

.

su n .

ADAM [ to E v e g amp i l y ] W hy do you liv e on if you

, ,

can find not h in g b ett er to do th an com p lain ?

EVE B ecau s e t h ere i s s till h op e
. .

GAI N O f wh at ? .

EVE O f th e comin g t ru e of you r d ream s and min e

. .

O f n ewly c re ated th in g s O f b ett er th in g s M y s on s. .

and my s on s s on s are not all di g g ers and fi gh t ers S om e

’
.

of th em will n eith er di g n o r fi g h t : th ey are mo re u s el es s

A ct I I I n th e B eg inn in g 35

t h an eith er of you : t h ey are w ea k lin g s and cowa rd s :

th ey a re vain ; y et th ey are di r ty and will not ta k e th e
.

troubl e to c ut t h ei r h ai r T h ey bo rrow and n ev er p ay ;

.

but o n e g iv es t h em wh at th ey want b e cau s e t h ey t ell ,

b eautiful li es in b eautiful wo rd s T h ey can rem emb er .

th ei r d ream s T h ey can dre am with out sl eep in g T h ey

. .

h av e not will enou g h to c reat e in s t e ad of d r e amin g ; but

th e s erp ent s aid t h at ev ery dr e am could b e will e d into
c reation by t h o s e s t ron g en o u g h to b eli ev e in it T h ere .

are ot h ers wh o cut ree ds of di ff ere nt l en g th s and blow

th r ou g h t hem ma k in g lov ely p att ern s of s ound in th e

,

ai r ; and s om e of t h e m can w eav e t h e p att ern s to g e th e r ,

s oundin t h ree r ee d s at th e s am e tim e and r ai s in my

g g ,

s oul to t h in g s f o r w h ic h I h av e no wo r d s A nd oth ers .

ma k e littl e m ammoth s out of clay o r ma k e fac es app ear ,

on flat s ton es and ask m e to c reat e wom en f o r t h em with

,

s uc h fac es I h av e watch e d t h o s e fac es and will ed ; and

.

t h en I h av e m ad e a woman c h ild tha t h as g rown up quit e

-

li k e th em A nd o thers t h in k of numbe rs wit h out h avin g

.

to count on th ei r fin g ers and watch th e s k y at ni ght and

, ,

g iv e nam es t o t h e s ta r s and can fo re t ell w h e n th e s u n

,

will b e cov ered with a black s auc ep an lid A nd t h e re i s .

T ubal wh o mad e h i s wh eel f o r m e wh ich h as s av ed m e s o

,

much labo r A nd th ere i s E noch wh o wal k s on th e h ill s

.
, ,

and b ears th e V oic e continually and h as g iven up h i s ,

will to do t h e will of th e Voic e and h as s om e of th e

‘

V oic e s g re atn es s Wh en th ey com e t h ere i s alway s

’
.
,

s om e n ew wond er o r s om e n ew h o p e : so m et h in g to liv e
,

f or. T h ey n ev er want to di e b ecau s e t h ey ar e alway s

,

l ea rnin g and alway s c re atin g eit h er th in g s o r wi s dom ,

o r at l e a s t dr eamin g of t h em A nd t h en you C ain.

, ,

c o m e to me with you r stup id fi g h tin g and d es t r oyin g ,

and you r fo oli sh boa s tin g : and you want m e to t ell you
th at it i s all S p l endid and t h at you are h er oic and th at
, ,

not h in g but deat h o r th e dread of d e at h ma k es life wo rth

36 I n th e B eg i nn in g P art I

livin g A way with you nau g h ty ch ild ; and do you

.
, ,

A dam g o on with you r wo rk and not wa st e you r tim e

,

li s t enin g to hi m .

GA I N I am not p erh a p s v ery cl ev er ; but

.
, ,

EVE [ i n terrup ti ng h i m ] P e rh a p s not ; but do not b eg in

to boa s t of t h at It i s no c redit to you
. .

GAI N Fo r all th at moth er I h av e an in s tinct w h ich

.
, ,

t ell s m e t h at d eat h p lay s i ts p a rt in life T ell m e t h i s : .

wh o inv ent ed d eat h ?

A d am sp ri ng s to h i s f ee t E v e d rop s h er d i s taff
. . B o th

s h ew th e g reat es t c o n s tern ati o n .

GA I N Wh at i s t h e matt er with you both ?

.

ADAM B oy : you h av e a sk ed us a t er ribl e qu estion

. .

EVE You inv ent e d mu rd er L et t h at b e enou g h f o r

. .

you .

GA I N M u rder i s not d e ath You k now wh at I m ean

. . .

T h o s e w h om I s lay would d i e if I s p a re d t h em If I am .

not s lain, y et I shall d i e W ho p ut th i s u po n me ? I

.

sa w h o inv e nt ed d e at h ?
y ,

ADAM B e rea s onabl e boy C ould you hear t o liv e

.
, .

f o r ev er ? You t h in k you could b ecau s e you k now th at ,

you will n ev er h av e to mak e you r t h ou g h t g ood B ut I .

h av e k nown w h at it i s to s i t and b r ood und er th e t er ro r

of et ernity of immo r tality T h in k of it man ! to h av e
, .
,

n o es cap e ! to b e A dam A dam A dam t hrou g h mo re

, ,

day s t h an th ere are g r ain s o f s and by th e t wo riv ers ,

and t h en b e as f ar from th e en d as ev er ! I wh o h av e ,

s o muc h in me t h at I h at e and lon g to ca s t o ff ! Be

t h an k ful t o you r p a rent s wh o enabl e d you to h and on
,

you r bu r d en to n ew and b ett er m en and won f o r you ,

an et ernal res t ; f o r it was we wh o inv ented d eat h .

GAI N [ ri s i ng ] You di d w ell : I too do not want to liv e , ,

f o r ev er B ut if you inv ent ed d e ath why do you blam e

.
,

me who am a mini s t er of d eath ?

,
38 I n th e B eg inn in g P art l

I cannot h elp it I will liv e my t h ou s and y ea rs : if th ey

.

will not l et t h em d i e and b e damn ed

, .

EVE D amn ed ? Wh at i s t h at ?
.

A D AM T he s tat e of t hem th at lov e d eat h mo re th an

.

life G o on with you r s p innin g ; and do not s i t t here

.

idl e wh il e I am s t rainin g my mu s cl es f o r you .

EVE [ s lo wl y tak i n g up h er d i s tafi ] I f you w ere no t a

fool you would find s om eth in g b ett er f o r both of us to
liv e by th an t h i s sp innin g and di g g in g .

ADAM G o on with you r wo rk I t ell you ; o r you sh all

.
,

o wit h out b read

g .

EVE M an n eed not alway s liv e by b read alon e

. .

T her e i s s om et h in g el s e W e do not y et k now wh at it

.

i s ; but s om e day we sh all find out ; and t h en we will liv e

on th a t alon e ; and t h ere sh all b e no mo re di gg in g no r
s p innin g n o r fi h tin
, g g n o r k illin g .

S h e s pi n s res i g nedl y : h e d i g s i mp ati en tl y .

G O S PE L
42 Gsp o l
e of th e B roth ers B arn abas P art II
T he d oo r O p ens ; and ano the r g en tl eman, s ho r ter th an
the c leri c al one , wi thi n a y ear o r t wo o f t h e s ame ag e,
d res s ed i n a well wo rn tweed l o ung e s ui t, wi th a s h o r t
-

beard and muc h l ess st

y le i n h i s b eari ng an d c arri ag e,
looks i n .

THE C LER I C A L GENTLEMAN [ f amil i ar and by no me an s

c ord i al ] H all o ! I didnt exp ect you until th e fi v e o clock ’

trai n .

THE TWEEDED GENTLEMAN [ c o mi n g i n v ery s lo wl y ]

I h av e s om et h in g on my mind I th ou g h t I d com e .
’

f ly ;

THE CLER IC AL GENTLEMAN [ th ro wi ng d o wn h i s p en ]

Wh at i s on you r mind ?
THE T W EE D E D GENTLEMAN [ s i t ti n g do wn o n the s too l ,

h eav il y p reo c c up i ed wi th h i s th o ug h t ] I h av e mad e u p

my mind at la s t about the tim e I mak e it three h un .

d red y ea rs .

THE C LE R I CA L GENTLEMAN [ s i tti ng up energ eti c al l y]

N o w t h at i s ext r ao rdina r y M o s t ext rao rdina ry T h e
. .

v ery la s t wo rd s I w r ot e wh en you int erru p t ed m e w er e

“at l ea s t th ree c entu ri es ”
[ H e s natc h es up h i s m an u
.

s c ri p t an d p oi n ts t o i t ] .
“
H ere it i s : [ read i n g ] th e
t erm of h uman life mu s t b e e xt end ed to at l ea st t h ree
”
c entu ri es .

THE TW EEDED GENTLEMAN H o w did you a rriv e at it ? .

A p arl o r m ai d O
p en s t h e d o o r, ush eri ng i n a y o un g
c le rg y man .

THE P A R LO R MAI D M r H a slam [ S h e

, . . wi thd raws ] .

T h e v i s i to r i s s o v ery u n wel c o me th at h i s h o s t f org ets

t o ri s e ; an d t he two bro th ers s t are at th e i n tru d er, qu i te
un ab l e t o c onc eal t h ei r d i s may H as l am, wh o h as n o th.

i n g c l eri c al ab ou t hi m emc ep t h i s c o l l ar, an d wears a

s n u ff c o l o red s ui t, s mi l es wi th a f ran k s c h o o l bo yi s h ne s s
-

t h at m ak es i t i mp o ss i bl e to be un k i nd to h i m, an d ex
l o des i n to o b v i o us l y un p reme di tated s p eec h
p .
P art I I Go s p el of th e B rot h ers B arn abas 43

HAS LAM I m afraid I m an awful nui s anc e I m

.
’ ’
.
’

th e recto r ; and I s u pp o s e o n e ou g h t to call o n p eo p l e .

T HE TWEEDED GENTLEMAN [ i n g h o s tl y tones ] W e re ’

not Ch u r ch p eop l e you k now , .

H ASLAM O h I dont mind th at if you dont

.
, T he , .

C h ur ch p eop l e here are mo s tly as dull as ditch wat er I -

.

h av e h ea rd s uch a lot about you ; and t h ere are s o j olly

f ew p eo p l e to tal k to I t h oug h t you p erh aps wouldnt
.

mind D o you mind ? f o r of cou rs e I ll g o li k e a sh ot if

.
’

I m in th e way
’
.

THE C LE R I CA L GENTLEMAN [ ri s i ng d i s armed] S i t ,

down M r— er ?
H ASLAM Ha slam . .

T HE C LE R I CA L GE N T L E M AN M r H a slam . .

THE TWEEDED GENTLEMAN [ ri s i ng and o ff eri ng h i m

th e s to o l ] S i t down [ H e re t reats t o ward.s th e C h i pp en

d al e c h ai rs ].

H A S LA M ,
s i
[ t ti n g d o wn on the ]
s to ol
T h an k s awfu l ly .

THE C LE R I CA L GENTLEMAN [ re s u mi n g h i s s e a t ] T h i s

i s my b r ot h e r C on r ad P r ofes s o r of B iolo g y at Ja rrow

,

fi eld s Univ er s ity : D r Co n rad B a rnaba s M y nam e i s .

Fr an k lyn : Fr an k lyn B a rnaba s I was in the C hu rch .

my self f or s o m e y ea rs .

H A S LA M [ sy mp at h i z i n g ] Y es : o n e cant h el p it If .

th eres a livin g in th e family o r on e s G ov ern o r k nows ,

’

a p at ron o n e g e t s sh ov ed into th e Ch u r ch by on e s
,
’

p a r ent s .

C O N R A D [ s i t tin g d o wn on th e f ur th es t C hi p p en d al e
wi th a s nor t o f amu s emen t ] Mp !
F R ANKLY N O n e g et s sh ov ed out of it s om etim es by
.
, ,

on e s con s ci enc e
’
.

HASLAM O h yes ; but wh ere i s a ch a p lik e m e to g o ?

.

I m afraid I m not int ell e ctual enou g h to s plit s t raw s

’ ’

wh en th eres a j ob in front of m e and not h in g b ett er f o r ,

m e to do I dares ay th e C hu rch was a bit t h ick f o r you ;

.
 Go sp el of th e B rot h ers B arn ab as P art II
but it ’
s g ood enou g h f or me . It will la s t my tim e any ,

how .
[ H e l au g h s
g o o d h u m o r ed l ]
-

y .

F R ANKL Y N [ wi th ren ewed en erg y ] T h ere a g ain ! You

s ee C on
, It will la s t h i s tim e I nf e i s too s h o r t f o r m en
. .

to ta k e it s eriou s ly .

HASLAM T h at s a way of look in g at it c er tainl y

.
, .

FRANKLY N I was not sh ov ed into t h e C h u rch M r

Ha s lam : I felt it to b e my vocation to wal k with G
.
,

od ,

li k e E noch A ft er tw enty y ea r s of it I realiz e d t h at I

.

was wal k in g wit h my own i g no ranc e and s elf conc eit -

and t h at I was not with in a h und red and fifty y e a rs of

th e exp eri enc e and wi s dom I was p ret endin g to .

HASLAM N ow I com e to t h in k of it old M eth u s elah

.
,

mu s t h av e h ad to t h in k twic e b efo re h e t o o k on anyth in g

‘

f o r life If I t h ou g h t I was g oin g t o liv e nin e h und red

.

and s ixty y ea rs I dont th ink I sh ould s tay in the

,

C hu rch .

FRANKLYN If men liv ed ev en a thi rd of t h at tim e

.
,

th e C h u r ch would b e v ery di ff erent to t h e t h in g it i s .

C O NRAD If I could count on nin e h und red and s ixty

.

y ea rs I could mak e my s elf a re al biolo g i s t in s t ead of ,

wh at I am now : a c h ild t ryin g to wal k A re you s u re .

you mi gh t not b ecom e a g o o d cl erg yman if you h ad a

f ew c entu r i es to do it in ?
H A S L AM O h th eres noth in g much th e matt er with
.
,

m e : i t s quit e e a s y to b e a d ec ent p a rs on I t s th e
’ ’
.

C h u rch th at ch ok es me o ff I couldnt s tic k it f o r nin e .

'

h undred y ears I sh ould c h uck it You k now s om e

. .
,

tim es wh en th e bi sh o p wh o i s th e mo s t p ric el es s of
, ,

fo s il s l et s o ff om t in g mo t an us ually out o f dat e

s s e h r e h — -

, ,

t h e bi r d s ta r t s in my g a rden .

FRANKLY N T h e bi r d ? .

HASLAM O h y es T h eres a bi rd th er e th at k eep s on

. .

s in g in g
“S tick it o r c h uck it : s tic k it o r ch uck i t ” —j u s t
 Go s p el of th e B rot h er s B arn abas P a rt I I
FRANKLY N It g o es d eep er S h e h a s nt tim e to fo rm
. .

a g enuin e con s ci enc e a t all S om e romantic p oint s of .

h ono r and a f ew conv ention s A wo rld wit h out con .

s ci enc e : t h at i s th e h o rro r of o u r condition .

HASLAM [ beami ng ] S imp ly fatuou s [ R i s i n

g] . .

W ell I s u pp o se I d b ett er b e g oin g I t s m o s t awfully

,
’
.
’

g ood of you to p u t u p wit h my callin g .

CONRAD [ i n h i s f o rmer l o w g h o s tl y to n e] You n eednt

o you k n o w if you ar e really int eres t e d
g , , .

HASLAM [ f ed up ] W ell I m afr aid I ou gh t to— I ,

’

re ally mu s t g et bac k — I h av e s om eth in g to do in t h e

FRANKL YN [ s mi l i ng b eni g n l y an d ri s i n g to p ro /f er h i s
h an d ] G ood by e -
.

C ONRAD [ g rufil y g i v i n g hi m up as a b ad j o b ] Go od
‘
,

by e .

HASLAM . S o rry— er
G ood b ye -

A s th e rec to r m o v es to s h ak e h and s wi th Fran kl y n ,

eel i ng th at h e i s mak i ng a f ri g h tf ul me s s O f h i s dep ar t

f
u re, a v i g or o u s s un bu rn t y oun g l ad y wi th h az el h ai r c u t
t o th e l ev el O f h er n ec k l i k e an I t ali an y o u th i n a , as G
z ol i i c tu re c o m es i n i m et uo us l y S h e s eems t o h av e
p , p .

n o t h i n g on b u t h er s h o r t s k i r t h er bl ou s e, her s to c k ,

i n g s an d a p ai r o f N o rweg i an s hoes : i n s h or t, s h e i s a
,

S i mp l e L i f er-
.

THE S I M P LE L I FER [ s wo op i n g on C o n rad and k i ss i ng

-

h i m ] H allo , N un k You r e b efo re you r tim e

. .

C ONRAD B eh av e you rs elf T h eres a vi s ito r

. . .

S h e tu rn s qui c k l y and s ees th e rec to r S h e i ns tin c

G
.

ti v el y s wi tc h es at h er oz z ol i ri n e wi th h er fin ers b ut
f g g ,

i v es i t u a h o el es s
g p s p .

FRANKLY N M r H a slam o ur n ew recto r [ T o H as

.
, .

l am] M y dau g h t er Cynth ia

. .

CONRAD Us ually call ed S avvy sh ort f o r S ava g e

.
, .

SAv I u sually call M r H a slam B ill sh o rt f o r

.
,
P a t II Go s p el
r of th e B rot h ers B arn aba s 47

William .
[S h e s tro l l s t o th e h ear th -
ru g , and s ur v e
ys

t he m c al ml
y f o m t h at c o mm an d i n g
r
p o si ti on ] .

FRANKLY N You k now h i m ? .

SA VVY R ath er S i t down B ill

. .
, .

FRANKLYN M r H a slam i s g oin g S avvy He h as an

. , .

en g a g em ent .

SAVV Y I know I m t h e en g a g em ent

. .
’
.

C ONRAD In t h at ca s e would you mind ta k in g hi m

.
,

into t h e g a rd en w h il e I tal k to you r fath er ?

S AV VY [ to H as l am ] T enni s ?
HASLAM Rath er ! .

SAVV Y C om e on [ S he d anc es ou t He runs o u t

. . .

b o y i s hl y h r]
f a t er
e .

FRANKLY N [ l eav i ng hi s tabl e and beg i nn i n g to wal k

u p and do wn th e r oo m d i s c o n ten tedl y ] S avvy s mann ers
’

j ar on m e T h e y would h av e h o r rifi e d h er
.
g r andmot h e r .

C ONRAD [ o bs ti n a tel y ] T h ey are h a p p i er mann ers th an

M ot h er s mann ers
’
.

FRANKLY N Y es : th ey are f ran k er, wh ol es om er, b ett e r

.

i n a h und red way s A n d y et I s qui rm at t h em

. I can .

not et it out of my h e ad t h at M oth er was a w ell man

g
-

n ered woman , and t h at S avvy h as no m ann e rs at all .

CONRAD T here wa s nt any pl ea s ur e in M other s fi n e

.
’

mann ers T h at mak es a biolo g ical di ff erenc e

. .

F R A NKLY N B ut t here was b e auty in M oth er s m an

.
’

n ers , g rac e in t h em , s tyl e in t h em : abov e all , d eci sion in

th em S avvy i s s uch a cub
. .

C O NRAD S o sh e ou g h t to be, at h er ag e
. .

F R ANKLYN T h ere it com es a g ain ! Her ag e ! h er

.

ag e !
C ON R AD Y ou want h er to be fully g rown at ei gh t een
. .

You want to fo rc e h er into a s tuck up , a rtificial , p rema -

tu re s elf po s ses s ion b efo re sh e h as any s elf to p o s s es s

-
.

You j u s t l et h er alon e : sh e i s ri g h t enou g h f o r h er ye a r s .

F R ANKLY N I h av e l et h er al o n e ; and look at the re

.
48 G o s p el Of th e B rot h er s B arn abas P a t IIr

s ult ! L i k e all th e oth er youn g p eo pl e wh o h av e b een l et

alon e s h e b ecom es a S ociali st T h at i s sh e b ecom es
, .
,

h op el essly d emo r aliz ed .

C ONRAD W ell a rnt you a S ociali s t ?

.
,

F R ANKLY N Y e s ; but th at i s not th e s am e th in g

. .

You and I w ere brou g h t up in th e old bou rg e oi s mo r al

ity W e w ere tau g h t bo u rg eoi s mann ers and bou rg eoi s
.

p o i nt s of h ono r B ou rg eoi s mann er s may b e s nobbi s h

.

mann ers : t h ere may b e no p l ea su re in t h em as you s ay ; ,

but th ey are b ett er th an no mann ers M any bou rg eoi s

‘
.

p oint s of h ono r may b e fal s e ; but at l e a s t t h ey exi s t .

T h e wom en k now w h at t o ex p ect and w h at i s ex p e ct ed

of t h em S avvy do es nt S h e i s a B ol sh evi st and noth in g
. .

el s e . S h e h as to i mp r o v i z e h er mann ers and h er con

duct as s h e g o es alon g I t s oft en ch a rmin g no doubt
.
’
,

but s om etim es s h e p ut s h er foot in it fri g h tfully ; and

t h en I f eel th at sh e i s blamin g me f o r not t eac h in g h er
b ett er .

C O N R AD W ell you h av e so m et h in g b ett e r to t each

.
,

h er now at all ev ent s

, .

FRANKL YN Y es ; but it i s t o o lat e S h e do es nt t ru s t

. .
‘

me now S h e do es nt tal k about s uc h th i n g s to m e

. S he .

do es nt read anyt h in g I w rit e S h e n ev er com es to h ea r

.

m e l e ctu re I am out of it as f ar as S avvy i s conc ern ed

. .

[ H e r es u mes hi s s eat at th e wri ti n g t abl e]

-
.

C ONRAD I mu s t h av e a tal k to h er
. .

F R ANKLY N P erh ap s sh e will li s t en to you

. . Y ou are
not fath er
h er .

C ON R AD I s ent h er my la s t book I can b rea k th e

. .

i c e by as k in g h er wh at sh e mad e of it .

F R ANKLY N Wh en sh e h ea r d you w ere comin g sh e

. ,

a sk ed me wh eth er all t h e l eav es w ere cut in ca s e it fell ,

into you r h and s S h e h a s nt re ad a wo rd of it

. .

C ON R AD [ ri s i ng i nd i g n an tl y ] W h at !
FRANKLY N [ i nexo rab l y ] N ot a wo rd of it .
50 Go s p el Of th e B roth e rs B arn ab as P art I I
THE P ARLOR MA ID [ d rop p i n g on h er k ne es i n c on s ter
n at i on ] I m eant no o ff e nc e si r ,
(
.

C ONRAD You didnt g iv e any B ut you k now you

. .

could liv e a d evil o f a lon g life if you really want ed to .

THE P ARLOR MA ID [ s i t ti n g d o wn o n h er h eel s ] O h dont

sa
y t h at si r
, I t s s o un s ettlin
.
’
g .

C ONRAD W h y ? H av e you b een t h in k in g about it ?

.

THE PARLOR MA I D I t woul d n ev er h av e com e into

.

m y h e ad if you h adnt p u t it t h ere s i r M e and cook , .

h ad a loo k at you r boo k .

CONRAD W h at ! .

You and coo k

H ad a lo o k
A t my boo k !
A nd my ni ec e wouldnt o pe n it ! T h e p ro p h e t i s with o ut
h ono r in h i s own family W ell wh at do you t h in k of
.
,

livin g f o r s ev er al h undr ed y e a rs ? A re you g oin g to

h av e a t ry f o r it ?
THE PARLO R MA I D W ell of cou rs e you re not in .
,

e a rn es t si r
, B ut it do e s s et o n e t h in k in g esp e cially
.
,

wh e n o n e i s g o I n g to b e ma rri ed .

C ONRAD W h at h as th at t o do with it ? H e may live

.

as lon g a s you you k now , .

THE PARLO R MAI D T h at s j u s t it s i r You s ee h e

.
’
, .
,

mu s t ta k e m e f o r b ett er f o r wor s e til d e ath do u s p a r t , .

D O you th in k h e would b e s o read v to do t h at s i r if h e , ,

t h ou g h t it mi g h t b e f o r s ev eral h und r ed y e a rs ?
C ONRAD T h at s t ru e A nd wh at about you rs elf ?
.
’
.

THE PARLO R MA I D O h I t ell you s t r ai gh t out s i r

.
, , ,

I d ne v er p romi s e to liv e with th e s am e man as lon g as

’

th at I wouldnt put u p with my own ch ild ren as lon g

.

as th at . W h y coo k fi g u red it out si r t h at wh en you

, , ,

w ere only 2 0 0 you mi g h t ma rr y you r own g reat g re at

,
-

reat g r eat g re at g r eat g r and s on and not e v en know

g
- - -
-

wh o h e was .
P a t I I Go sp el
r of th e B rot h ers B a rn aba s 51

CONRAD Well wh y not ? Fo r all you k no w t h e

.
, ,

m an you are g oin g to ma r ry may b e you r g re at g r eat -

r eat r e at re at re at r andmot h e r s re at re at
’
g g g g g g g
re at g reat g r e at g reat g r and s on
g
- - - -

THE P ARLO R MAI D B ut do you t hin k it would ever

.

be th ou g h t r es p ectabl e s i r ? ,

C ONRAD M y g ood g i rl all biolo g ical n e c ess iti es

.
,

h av e to b e m ade resp e ctabl e w h et h e r we li k e it o r not ; s o

you n eednt wo rry you rs elf about th at .

Fran k l yn re tu rn s an d c r o s ses th e r o o m to h i s c h ai r ,

bu t d oes not sit d o wn T h e p arl or m ai d g o es o u t

. .

C ONRAD . Well , w h at do es Joyc e B u rg e want ?

FRANKLY N O h a s illy mi s unde r s tandin g I h av e
.
, .

p romi s ed to add res s a m eetin

g in M iddl e s bo rou h ; and
g
s om e fool h as u t it into t h e p a p e rs t h at I am
“comin
p g
to M iddl es b o r ou g h ”
wit h out any exp lanation
, Of .

cou rs e now th at we are on t h e ev e of a g e n eral el ection

, ,

olitical e o l e t h in k I am comin t h er e to cont es t th e

p p p g
p a rliam enta ry s e at B u r e k now s t h at I h av e a fol
g .

lowin g and th in k s I could g et into t h e H ou s e of C om

,

mon s and h ead a g r ou p t h ere S O h e in s i s t s on comin g .

to s ee m e H e i s s tayin g with s om e pe o pl e at D olli s

.

Hill and can b e h ere in fi v e o r t en minut es h e s ay s

, , .

CONRAD B ut didn t you t ell h i m th at i t s a fal s e

.
’ ’

alarm ?
F R ANKLY N O f cou rs e I did ; but h e wont b eli ev e me
. .

C ONRAD . C all ed you a lia r in fact ? ,

F R ANKLY N N o : I wi sh h e h ad : any s o rt of p lain

.

s p e a k in g i s b e tt er t h an th e nau se ou s s h am g o o d f el
l o wsh i p o u r d emoc r atic p ublic m en g et up f o r s h O p us e .

H e p ret ends to b eli ev e m e and a s s u res m e h i s vi s it i s

,

quite di s int erest ed ; but wh y sh ould h e com e if h e h as no

axe to g rind ? T h e s e c h a p s n ev er b eli ev e anyth in g t h ey
sa
y t h em s elv es ; and natu r ally t h e y cannot b eli ev e any

th in g anyon e el s e s ay s .
52 Go s p el of th e B roth ers B arn abas P art II
C ONRA D [ ri s i ng ] W ell I s h all cl ea r out It was h a rd
, .

e nou h to s tand t h e p a r ty olitician s b e fo r e t h e war ;

g p
but now th at t h ey h av e mana g ed to h alf k ill E u ro p e
b etween th em I cant b e civil t o th em and I dont s ee why
, ,

I sh ould b e .

FRANKLY N W ait a bit W e h av e to find out h o w

. .

th e wo rld will ta k e o u r n ew g o s pe l [ C on ra d .s i ts d o wn
ag ai n ]. P a rty p olitician s are s till unfo r tunat ely an
imp o rtant p a rt of t h e wo rld S u pp o s e we t ry it on
.

Joyc e B u rg e .

C O NRAD . H o w can you ? You can t ell t h in g s only

to pe opl e wh o can li s t en Joyc e B u r g e h as talk e d s o
.

much t h at h e has lo s t th e p ow e r of li s t enin g H e .

do es nt li s t en ev en in th e H ou s e of C ommon s .

S av v y rus hes i n b reathl ess f o l l o wed b y H as l am . wh o

, ,

remai n s tim i dl y j u s t i n s id e t h e d o o r .

SAV VY [ run n i n g to Fran k l yn ] I s ay ! W ho do you

t h in k h as j u s t d riv en up in a b i g c ar ?
FRANKLY N M r Joyc e B u r g e, p erh a p s
. .

SAVV Y [ d i s app o i n ted ] O h , th ey k now , B ill W hy .

di dn t you t ell u s h e was comin g ? I h av e noth in g on .

HASLAM I d b e tt er g o , h adnt I ?
.
’

CONRAD You j u s t wait h er e, both of you Wh en

. .

you s ta rt ya wnin g , Joyc e B u rg e will ta k e t h e h int ,

erh a p s
p .

SAVV Y [ to Frank l yn ] M ay we ?
FRANKL YN Y es , if you p romi s e to b eh av e you rs elf
. .

SAVV Y [ mak i ng a wry f ac e] T h at will b e a t re at ,

wont it ?
THE P ARLOR M A I D [ en teri n g an d an n o un c i ng ] M r
Joyc e B u rg e [ H asl am h as ti l y mo v es t o th e fi rep l ac e ;
.

an d th e p arl o r m aid g o es o u t an d s h u ts t h e d oo r wh en

th e v i s i to r h as p as sed i n ] .

FRANKL YN [ h u rryi n g p as t S av v y to h i s g ue s t wi th
t h e f al s e c o rd i al i ty h e h as j u s t been d eno u n c i ng ] O h !
54 Go s p el of th e B rot h ers B a rn abas P art I I
W ell , my d e a r B a rnaba s wh at do you t h ink o f th e s itu
,

ation ? D ont you t h in k t h e tim e h as com e f o r u s to

mak e a mov e ?
FRANKLY N T h e tim e h as alway s com e to mak e a
.

mov e .

BUR GE H o w t ru e ! B ut wh at i s th e mov e to be ?
.

You are a m an of e no rmou s influ enc e W e k now t h at . .

W ev e alway s k nown it W e h av e to con s ult y o u wh eth er

.

we li k e it o r not We .

FRANKLY N [ i n terru p ti n g fi rml y ] I n ev er m eddl e in

p a r ty
p olitic s now .

SAVV Y I t s no u s e s ayin g you have no influ enc e

.
’
,

daddy H ea p s of p eop l e s w ea r by you

. .

B URGE [ s h i n i n g at h er ] O f cou rs e th ey d o C om e ! .

l et m e p r ov e to you wh at we th in k of you S h all we find .

you a fi rs t r at e con stitu ency to cont es t at th e n ext el e c

-

ti o n ? O n e th at wont co s t you a p enny A m et ro p olitan .

s e at
. Wh at do you s ay to th e S t rand ?
FRANKLY N M y d ea r B u rg e I am not a chi ld W h y
.
, .

do you g o On wa s tin g you r p a rty fund s on th e S t rand ?

You know you cannot win it .

BU R GE W e cannot win it ; but you

.

FRANKLY N O h p l e a s e ! .
,

SA VVY T h e S trand s no u s e M r B u rg e I onc e

.
’
, . .

canva s s ed f o r a S ociali s t th ere C hee s e it . .

BURGE Ch ees e it
.

H ASLAM [ s p l u t teri n g wi th s up p ressed l aug h ter ]

P ric el es s !
SAV V Y W ell I su pp o s e I sh ouldnt s ay c h ees e it to a
.
,

R i g h t H ono rabl e B ut t h e S t rand you k now ! D o c o m e

.
,

o ff it .

FRANKLY N Y o u mu s t e xcu s e my dau gh t er s sh ock

.
’

i n g mann ers B u rg e ; but I a g ree with h er th at po p ula r

,

d emoc r atic s tat es m en so on com e t o b eli ev e th at ev eryon e

P art II Gos p el of th e B rot h ers B arn abas 55

t h ey sp e a k to is an i g no r ant dup e and a bo r n fool into

th e ba rg ain .

B UR GE [ l aug hi n g ] You old a r

g i s toc r at you !
en i all y ,

B ut beli ev e m e the i n s tinc t of th e p e o p l e i s s ound

,

CO NRAD [ c u tti ng i n s harp l y ] T h e n why are you in

t h e Op p o s ition in s t ead O f in th e G ov ernm ent ?
R UR GE [ s h o wi n g s i g ns o
f temp er u nd er th i s h ec k li ng ]
I d eny t h at I am in th e O pp o s ition mo rally T h e .

G ov ern m ent do es not rep res ent th e count ry I was .

c huck e d out of t h e Coalition by a T o ry con sp i r acy .

T h e p e o p l e want m e bac k I dont want t o g o bac k . .

F R ANKLY N [ g en tl y remon s tran t ] M y d e a r B u rg e : of

cou rs e you do .

BURGE [ tu rn i ng on h i m] N ot a bit of it I want to .

cultivat e my g a rd en I am no t inte res t ed in p olitic s : I

.

am int eres t ed in ro ses I h av ent a s c ra p of ambition

. .

I w ent into p olitic s becau s e my wif e s h ov ed m e into

t h em bl es s h er ! B ut I want to s erv e my count ry W h at
, .

l
e se am I f o r ? I want to s av e my count ry fr om th e
T o r i es .T h ey dont rep rese nt th e p eo p l e T h e man .

t h ey h av e mad e P rim e M ini s t er h as n ev er rep res ent ed

th e pe o p l e ; and you k now it L o r d D unreen i s th e bit .

teres t old T o ry l e ft aliv e Wh at h as h e to O ff er to t h e

.

eo l e ?
p p
FRANKL Y N [ c u t ti ng i n bef o re B u rg e c an p ro c eed— as
h e ev iden tl y i n tend s — to ans wer h i s o wn que s ti o n ] I will
t ell you H e h as a s c ertain abl e b eli e fs and p rinci p l es to
.

Off er T h e p eop l e k now w h ere th ey are with L o rd D un

.

reen . T h ey k now w h at h e t h ink s ri g h t and wh at h e

th ink s w ron g W ith you r followers t h ey n ev er k now
.

wh ere th ey are W i th you they n ev er k no w wh ere

.

t hey are .

B UR G E [ am az ed ] W ith m e !
F R ANKL YN Well wh ere are yo u ? W hat are you ?
.
,
56 Go s p el of th e B rot h ers B arn aba s P art I I
B U R GE B a rnaba s : you mu s t b e mad You ask m e
. .

wh at I am ?
FRANKLY N I do . .

BURGE I am if I mi s ta k e not Joyc e B u rg e p retty

.
, , ,

w ell k nown t h rou g h out E u rop e and ind eed t h r ou g h out

,

t h e wo rld h
a t e m n w
s a h o — unwo r thi ly p erh a p s but not
, ,

quit un ucc es s fully h eld th e h el m w h en t h e s h i p of

e s —

S tat e w eath er e d t h e mi g h ti es t h u rr ican e t h at h as ev er

—
bu rs t with ea r th s h a k in g viol enc e on t h e land of o ur
fath ers .

FRANKLY N I k now t h at I k now wh o you are

. . .

A nd th e ea rth sh ak in g p a r t of it to me i s th at t h ou gh
-

you w er e p lac ed in th at eno rmou s ly r es p on s ibl e po s ition ,

n eith er I n o r anyon e el s e k nows wh at you r b eli efs are ,

o r ev en wh et h er you h av e e ith er be li e f s o r rinci l es

p p .

Wh at we did k now was t h at you r G ov ern m ent was

fo rm ed la rg ely o f men wh o r eg ard ed you as a robb er of
h en r oo s t s and w h o m you reg a r d ed as e n emi es of t h e
,

eo p l e
p .

BURGE [ adro i tl y as h e thi n k s ] I a g ree with you I

, .

a g ree wit h you ab s olut ely I dont b eli ev e in coalition

.

g ov e r nme nt s .

FRANKLY N P reci s ely Y et you fo rm ed two

. . .

BURGE W h y ? B ecau s e we w ere at war T h at i s

. .

wh at you fellows n ev er would realiz e T h e Hu n was at .

th e g at e . O ur count ry o ur liv es t h e h ono r of o ur

, ,

wiv es and mot h ers and dau g h t ers t h e t end er fl esh of o u r ,

innoc ent bab es w ere at s ta k e W as t h at a tim e to a rg u e

, .

about p rincip l es ?
FRANKLY N I sh ould s ay it was th e tim e of all oth ers
.

to confi rm th e r es olution of o ur own men and g ain th e

confid enc e and s u p p o r t of p ublic o p inion th rou gh out th e
wo rld by a d ecla ration of p rinci pl e D o you th in k th e .

Hu n would ev er h av e com e to th e g at e if h e h ad k nown

th at it would b e s hut in h i s fac e on p rinci pl e ? D id h e
58 Go s p el Of th e B rot h ers B arn abas P a t II
r

t here wont b e a T o ry in th e C abin e t E v ery candidat e

.

will h av e to pl ed g e h im s elf to F ree T r ade s li g h tly ,

modifi ed by con s id eration f o r o ur O v ers eas D ominion s ;

to D i s es tabli sh m ent ; to R efo rm of th e H ou s e of L o rd s t
to a re vi s ed s ch eme of T axation of L and V alu es ; and to
doin g s om eth in g o r ot h er to k eep th e I ri sh qui et D o es .

th at s ati s fy you ?
F R ANKLY N It do es not ev e n int eres t m e S u pp o s e
. .

you r fri end s do comm it th em s elves t o all th i s ! W hat

do es it p rov e about t h em e xc ep t th at t h ey are h o p el es s ly
out of dat e e v en in p a rty p olitic s ? th at t h ey h av e l earnt
not h in g and fo rg ott en noth in g s inc e 1 88 5 ? W h at i s it "

to me th at t h ey h at e th e C h u rch and h at e th e l and ed

e nt ry ; t h at t h ey are j eal o u s of t h e nobility an d h av e
g ,

s h i p in g s h a res ins t ead o f manufactu rin g bu s in es s e s in

p
th e M idl and s ? I can find you h und red s of th e mo s t
s o r did r a s cal s o r th e mo s t d en s ely s tu p id r eaet i o n ari es
, ,

wit h all t h es e qualification s .

B U R GE . P ers onal abu s e p rov e s noth in g . D o you

s u p o s e t h e T o ri es ar e all an g el s b e cau s e t h ey are all
p
m emb ers of t he C h u rc h of E n g land ?
FRANKL Y N N o ; but t h ey s tand to g eth er as m emb ers
.

of th e C h urch of E n g land wh erea s you r peo p l e in

, ,

attack in g th e C h u r c h ar e all ov er th e sh op T he sup

, .

o rt ers o f t h e C h u r ch are of o n e mi nd a b out r eli g ion

p
i t s en emi e s ar e of a doz en mind s T h e C h u rch m en are
.

a ph alanx : you r p eo pl e are a m ob in wh ich at h ei s t s are

j o s tl ed by P lymout h B re th ren and P o s itivi s t s by P illa rs
,

of Fi re You h av e with you all th e c ru d es t unb eli ev ers

.

and all t he c rud es t fanatic s .

BURGE W e s tand as C romw ell did f o r l i b erty of

.
, ,

con s ci en c e if th at i s wh at you m ean

, .

FRANKLY N H o w can you tal k s uch rubbi sh ov er the

.

g r av e s of you r con s ci entiou s obj e cto rs ? A ll law limit s

lib erty of con s ci ence : if a man s con s ci enc e allows hi m to

’
P art I I Go s p el Of the B rot h ers B arn abas 59

s et al you r watch o r to shi rk milita ry s ervic e h o w muc h ,

liberty do you allow it L i berty of con s ci enc e i s not my

?

p oint.

B URGE [ tes til y ] I wi sh yo u would com e to you r p oint .

H alf th e tim e you are s ayin g t h at you mu s t h av e p rin

c i l es ; and w h en I o ff er you inci l es you s a t h ey
p p r
p y
wont wo rk .

FRANKLY N You h av e not o ff ere d m e any p rinci pl e s

. .

You r p a r ty s h ibbol e t h s are not p rinci p l es I f you g et .

into p ow er a g ain you will find you rself at th e h ead of a

r abbl e of S ociali s t s and anti S ociali s t s -

, of Jin g o I m
p eri a li s t s and L ittl e E n g land er s of, ca s t i-
ron M at er ial

is t s and e c s tatic Qua k ers of C h ri s tian S ci enti s t s and

,

C omp ul s o ry I n oc ul at i o n i s ts of S yndicali s t s and B u re au

,

c r at s : in s h o rt of m en di ff erin g fi erc ely and i rrec o n c i l

,

ably o n ev ery p rinci p l e t h at g o es to th e r oot O f h uman

s oci ety and d es tiny ; and t h e im o s s ibility O f k ee in g
p p
s uc h a t e a m to e t h er will fo r c e you to s ell t h e a s s a ain
g p g
to the s olid C o n s ervativ e O pp o sition .

B URGE [ ri s i ng i n wrath ] S ell th e p a s s a g ain ! You

accu s e m e of h avin g s old th e p a s s !
FRANKLY N Wh en th e t erribl e im p act of re al war
.

fa re s w ep t you r p a rliam enta ry s h am wa r fa re into th e

du s tbin you h ad to g o beh ind th e back s of you r fol
,

low ers and ma k e a s e c ret a g r eem en t with t h e l ead ers of

th e O p po s ition p a r ty to k eep you in p ow e r on condition
that you d ro pp ed all l eg i slation o f wh ich t h ey did not
a pp r ov e A nd you could no t ev e n h old th em to t h ei r
.

ba rg ain ; f o r th ey p res ently b et raye d th e s ec r et and

fo rc ed the coalition on you .

BURGE I s ol emnly d ecla re th at th i s i s a fal s e and

.

mon st r ou s accu s ation .

FRANKLY N D o you d eny th at t e t in g Occu d

. h h rr e ?

Were th e uncont r adict ed rep o rt s fal s e ? We re th e p ub

l i sh e d l ett e rs f o g
r e r i e s ?
60 Go s p el of th e B rot h ers B arn abas P art II
BURGE C er tainly not B ut I did n ot do it I w as
. . .

not P rim e M ini s t e r t h en I t was th at old dota rd t h at

.
,

p lay ed out old h u mbu

-

g L ubin
’
H e was P r im e M ini s t er
.

t h en not I
, .

FRANKLY N D o you m e an to s ay you did not k now ?

.

BURGE [ s i t ti n g d o wn ag ai n wi th a s h rug ] O h I h ad ,

to b e told B ut wh at could I do ? If we h ad r efu s ed we

.

mi g h t h av e h ad to g o out O f Offi c e
FRANKLY N P re ci s ely
. .

B URGE W ell could we d es er t t h e country at su c h a

.
,

c r i s i s ? T h e H u n w as at t h e g ate E v eryon e h as to .

mak e a s ac rific e f o r th e s ak e of t h e country at s uch

mom ent s W e h ad to ri s e abov e p a r ty ; and I am p roud
.

to s ay we n ev er g av e p a r ty a s econd th ou gh t W e .

s tuc k t o

CONRAD Offic e ? .

R UR G E [ tu rn i n g on h i m] Y es s i r to o ffic e : th at i s to
, , ,

res p on s ibility to dan g er to h e a r t s ick enin g toil to -

, , ,

abu s e and mi s und er s tandin g to a ma rty rdom t h at mad e

,

u s e nvy t h e v er y s oldi er s in t h e t renc h es If you h ad .

h ad t o liv e f o r month s on a s p i rin and b romid e of p o tas

s ium t o g e t a win k of s l ee you wouldnt tal k about
p ,

o ffic e as if it w ere a catc h .

FRANKLY N S till you admit th at und er o ur p a rlia

.
,

m entary s y s t em L ubin could not h av e h el p ed h im s elf ?

BUR C E O n t h at s ubj e ct my li p s are clo s ed N oth in g
. .

will induc e m e t o s ay o n e wo rd a g ain s t th e O l d man I .

n ev er h av e ; and I n ev er will L ubin i s O l d : h e h as n ev er

.

b een a real s tat es man : h e i s as lazy as a e at on a h ea r th

ru g : you cant g e t hi m to att end to anyt h in h e i ood
g ; s
g
f o r not h in g but g e ttin g up and ma k in g s p eech es wit h a
p e r o r ation t h at
g o es down wit h th e bac k b enc h es B ut .

I s ay noth in g a g ain s t h i m I g ath er th at you do not

.

th ink much o f m e as a s tat e s man ; but at all ev ent s I can

62 Go sp el of th e B roth ers B a rn abas P art II
LUB I N .Ju s t s o Ju s t s o [.L o o k i n
g . r o un d at
S av v y ] T h e youn g lady i s
FRANKLY N M y dau g hter S avvy
.
, .

S av v y c o m es f ro m th e wi n do w b etween h er f ath er and

L u bi n.

LUB I N [ tak i n g h er h an d aff ec ti on a tel y i n bo th h i s ]

A nd wh y h as s h e n ev er com e to s ee u s ?
B URGE I dont k now wh eth er you h av e n oticed
.
,

L ubin t h at I am p res ent

, .

S av v y tak es ad v an t ag e of thi s d i v ersi o n t o s l i p away

to th e s et t ee, wh er e s h e i s s teal thil y j o i ned by H as l am,
wh o s i ts d o wn o n h er l ef t .

LUB I N [ s ea ti n g h i ms el f i n B u rg e s c h ai r wi th i n eff abl e ’

c om f o r tabl en es s ] M y d e a r B u r g e : if you ima g in e t h at

it i s p o s s ibl e t o be with in t en mil es of you r en erg etic

res enc e wit h out b ein acut ely awa re of it , you do you r
p g
s elf th e
g reat es t inj u s tic e H o w are you ?
. A nd h o w
are you r g ood n ew s pap er fri end s ? [ B urg e mak es an
er l o s i v e m o v eme n t ; b u t L u b i n o es o n c al ml y and
p g
s wee tl y ] A nd wh at are you doing h ere wit h m y old
fr i end B a rnab as , if I may ask ?
BUR C E [ s i t ti ng d o wn i n Co n rad s c h ai r, l eav i ng hi m
’

s t an d i n u n e as i l y i n th e c orn er ] W ell , j u s t w h at you

g
are doin g , if you want to k now I am t ryin g to enli s t.

M r B arn ab as s valuabl e s u p p o rt f o r my p a rty

’
.

LUB I N You r p a r ty , eh ? T h e n ew s p a p er p a r ty ?
.

BURGE T h e L ib eral P a rty T h e p a rty of wh i ch I

. .

h av e t h e h ono r to b e l ead er .

LUB I N H ave you now ? T h ats v ery int erestin g ; f o r

.

I t h ou g h t I w as th e l ead er of th e L ib eral P a rty H o w .

ev er , i t i s v er y k ind of you to tak e it o ff my h and s , if

th e p a r ty
will l et you .

E UR G E D o you s u g g es t t h at I h av e not th e s u pp o rt
.

and confid enc e of th e p arty ?

LU R I N I dont s u g g es t anyth in g my de a r B u rge
.
, .
P art I I Go sp el of th e B rot h ers B arn abas 63

Mr B a rnabas will t ell y o u t h at we all t h in k v ery h i g hly

of you T h e count ry ow es you a g re at d eal D u rin g
. .

th e war you did v ery c reditably ov er t h e munition s ; and

,

if you w ere not quit e s o s ucc es s ful wit h th e p eac e no ,

bo dy doubt e d th at you me ant well .

BURGE V e ry k ind of you L ubin L et m e rema rk

.
, .

t hat you cannot l ead a p ro g res siv e p a r ty with out g et

tin g a mov e on .

LUB IN You m ean you cannot I did it f o r ten

. .

y e a rs wit h out t h e l ea st d ifficulty A nd v ery comfo rtabl e .

,

ro s erou s p l e a s ant y e a rs t h ey w ere

p p , .

BURGE Y e s ; but wh at did t h ey en d in ?

.

LU R I N In you B u rg e You dont com pla i n of t h at

.
, .
,

do you ?
R UR G E [ fierc el
y] In la
p g u e
p e s til enc e and famin e ; , ,

battl e mu rd er and s udden d at h

, , e .

LU B IN [ wi th an app rec ia ti v e c h uc k l e ] T h e N oncon

f o rm i s t can quot e t h e p r ay e r boo k f o r h i s own p u rp o s e s
-

I s ee H o w you enj oy ed you rs elf ov er t h at bu s in es s

.
,

B u rg e ! D O you rem ember th e Knoc k O ut B low ? -

R UR CE It cam e o ff dont fo rg et t h at D o you re

. .

m emb e r fi g ht in g to t h e la s t d ro p of you r blood ?

LU B IN [ un rufil ed to Fran kl y n ] B y th e way I rem em
‘
, ,

b er you r b rot h er C on rad a wond e rful b rain and a d ea r

—

ood f ellow— ex lainin to m e t h at I couldnt fi h t to t h e

g p g g
la s t dr op of my blood b e caus e I s h ould b e d ead lon g
,

b e fo re I cam e to it M o s t int eres tin g and quit e t ru e

.
, .

H e was int r oduc ed to me at a m eetin g wh ere th e s u f

f rag ett e s k ep t di s tu rbin g m e T h ey h ad to b e ca rri ed .

out k ick in g and m a k in g a h o rrid di s tu rbanc e .

C ONRAD N o : it was lat er at a m eetin g to su pp o rt

.
,

t h e Franch i s e B ill wh ic h g av e t h em th e vot e .

LUB I N [ d is c o v eri n g C o nrad s p res en c e f o r th e fi rs t ’

ti me ] You re ri g h t : it w as I k n ew it h ad s om eth i n g
.

to do with wom en M y m emo ry n ev er d ec eiv es me

. .
64 Go s p el o f th e B roth ers B arn abas P art II
T h ank you Will you int roduc e m e to thi s g entl eman
.
,

B ar naba s ?
C O NRAD [ n o t at all afiabl y] I am th e C on r ad in qu es
'

tion [ H e s i ts d o wn i n d u dg eon o n the v ac an t Ch i p pen

. .

d al e] .

LUB I N A re you ? [ Lo o k i n g at hi m p l eas an tl y ]

.

Y es : of cou r s e you are I n ev er fo rg et a fac e B ut

. .

[ wi th an arc h turn O f h i s eyes to S av v y ] you r pretty

ni ec e e n g a g ed all my p ow ers o f vi s ion .

B U R GE I wi s h youd b e s eriou s L ubin G od know s

.
, . ,

we h av e pas s ed t h rou g h tim es te rribl e enou g h to mak e

any man s eri ou s .

LUB I N I do not t h ink I n eed to b e remind ed of th at

. .

In p eac e tim e I u s ed to k eep my s elf fres h f o r my wo rk

by bani sh in g all wo rldly con s id erations from my mind
O n S unday s ; but war h as no resp e ct f o r t h e S abbat h ;

and th ere h av e b een S unday s with in th e la s t f ew y ea rs

on wh ich I h ad to p lay as many as s ixty s i x g am es O f -

b rid g e to k eep my mind o ff t h e n ew s from th e f ront .

BURGE [ s c and al i z ed ] S ixty s i x g am es of b rid g e on -

LUB I N You p robably s an g s ixty s i x hymn s B ut as

.
-
.

I cannot boa s t eit h er you r admi rabl e voic e o r you r

s p i ritual f ervo r I h ad to fall bac k on b rid g e
, .

F R ANKL Y N If I may g o back to th e s ubj ect of you r

.

vi s it it s eem s to m e th at you may both be com pl et ely

,

s u ers ed e d by t h e L abo r P a r ty
p .

B U R GE B ut I am in th e t ru es t sen se my s elf a L abo r

.

l ead er I .
[ he s t o p s as L u b i n h as ri s en wi
,
th a h al f
su
pp ress ed y awn, an d is al read y t al k i ng ca l ml y , bu t
wi th ou t a p re ten c e O f i n teres t ] .

LUB I N T he L abo r Party ! O h no M r B a rnaba s

. , .

N o no no no no [ H e mo v es i n S av v y s d i rec ti o n ]
, , , , .
’
.

T h ere will be no t roubl e about th at O f cou rs e we mu s t .

g iv e t h em a f ew s eat s : mo re I quit e admit t h an we , ,

66 Go s p el of th e B rot h ers B arn a b as P art I I
c ro s s i n
g t o firep l ac e] I s up p o s e th e C hur ch i s out of
th e

it as f ar as p ro g re s s ive p olitic s are concern ed .

B URGE N on s en s e ! T h at notion ab out th e C hu rch

.

b in g unp ro g res s iv e i s on e of t h o s e sh ibbol eth s t h at o ur

e

p a rty mus t d r o
p T h e C h u r c h i s all r i g h t es s e ntially
Get ri d of th e es tabli shm ent ; g et ri d of th e bi sh op s ; g et
. .

ri d of t h e C andl es tic k s ; t i d of th 3 9 a ticl es ; and

g e r e r

t h e C h u rch of E n g land i s j u s t as g ood as any ot h er

C hu r c h ; and I dont ca re wh o h e ars m e s ay s o .

LUB I N It d oes nt matt er a bit wh o h e a rs you s ay s o

.
,

my d ea r B u rg e [ T O S av v y] W ho did you s ay you r

.

favo rit e p o e t was ?

SAVV Y I dont m ak e p et s of p o et s W h o s you rs ?
. .
’

LUB I N H o rac e
. .

SAVV Y H o r ac e wh o ?
.

LUB I N Quintu s H o r atiu s Fl ac c u s : th e nobl es t

.

R oman of t h em all my d e a r , .

SAVVY O h if h e i s d e ad th at ex plain s it I h ave a

.
, , .

t h eo ry th at all th e d ead p eo p l e we feel esp ecially int er

e s t d in mu s t h av e b een ou rs elv es
e You mu s t b e H o rac e s .
’

reinca r nation .

LUB I N [ d el i g h ted ] T h at i s th e v ery mo s t c h a rmin g

and p en et r atin g and int elli g ent t h in g t h at h as ev er b een
s aid to m e B a rnaba s : will you exc h an g e dau g h t ers
.

with m e ? I can g iv e you you r c h oic e of two .

FRANKLY N M an p rep o s e s S avvy di sp o s es

. . .

LU R I N Wh at do es S avvy s ay ?
.

BURGE L ubin : I cam e h ere to tal k p olitic s

. .

LUB I N Y es : you h av e only o n e subj ect B u rg e I

. , .

cam e h ere to tal k to S avvy T a k e B u rg e into th e n ext .

r oom B a rnaba s ; and l et h i m ri p

,
.

R U R C E [ h al f an g r i l y hal f i n d ul g en t ] N o ; but re ally

- -

, ,

L ubin we are at a c ri s i s
,

LUB I N M y d ea r B u rg e life i s a di s ea s e ; and th e

. ,

only di fferenc e b etween o n e man and anot h er i s th e s ta g e

P art II Go s p el of th e B rot h er s B arn abas 67

of th e di s e a se at wh ich h e lives You are alway s at th e .

c ri s i s : I am alway s in th e conval es c ent s ta g e I enj oy .

conval es c enc e It i s th e p a r t th at ma k es th e illn es s

.

wo rth w h il e .

SAVV Y [ h al f ri si n g ] P erh a p s I d b e tt er r un away I

-
’
.

am di s t ractin g you .

LUB I N [ m ak i ng her si t d o wn ag ai n] N ot at all my ,

d ea r You ar e only di s t r actin g B u rg e Jolly g ood

. .

t h in g f o r h i m to b e di s t ract ed by a p retty g i rl Ju s t .

wh at h e n eed s .

B URGE . I s om etim es envy you L ubin T h e g r eat , .

mov em ent of man k ind th e g iant s w eep of th e a ges

, ,

p a s s es you by and l e av e s you s tandin g .

LUB I N It l eav es m e s ittin g and quit e comfo r tabl e

. , ,

th an k you G o on s w eep in g Wh en you are ti red of it

. .
,

com e bac k ; and you wil l find E n g land wh ere it was and ,

m e in my accu s tom e d p lac e wit h M i s s S avvy t ellin g m e,

all s o rt s of int eres tin g t h in g s .

SAV VY [ wh o h as been g ro wi ng mo re and more res tl es s ]

D ont l et h i m s h ut you up M r B u rg e You k now M r , .
,

L ubin I am fri g h tfully int eres t ed in th e L abo r mov e

,

m ent and in T h eo s o ph y and in recon s t ruction after th e

, ,

war and all s o r t s of t h in g s

, I da res ay th e flap p ers in
.

you r s ma rt s et are t rem endou sly flatt ered when you s i t

b es ide t h em and are nic e to t h em as you are b ein g nic e
to me ; but I am n o t s ma rt ; and I am no us e as a flapp er .

I am dowdy and s eriou s I want you to b e s eriou s If . .

you refu s e I sh all g o and s i t b es id e M r B u rg e and ask

, ,

hi m to h old my h and .

LUB IN He wouldnt know h o w to do it my d ea r

.
, .

B u rg e h as a rep utation as a p rofli g ate

R UR G E [ s tar ti n g ] L ubin : t h i s i s mon s t r ou s I .

LU R I N [ c on ti n ui ng ] —but h e i s re ally a mod el of

dom es ticity Hi s nam e i s cou pl ed with all th e mo s t
.

c el eb rat ed beauti es ; but f o r h i m t h ere i s only o n e

68 Gos p el of th e B rot h e rs B arn abas P art I I
woman ; and th at i s not you my d ea r but h i s v ery , ,

c h a rmin g wife .

B URGE You are d es t royin g my ch a r act er in th e act

.

of p ret endin g to s av e it H av e th e g oodn e s s to confin e

.

you rs elf to you r own ch aract er and you r own wife .

B oth of th em n eed all you r att ention .

LUB I N I h av e th e p r ivil eg e of my ag e and of my

.

t ran sparent innoc enc e I h av e not to s t ru g g l e with you r

.

volcanic en erg y .

BURGE [ wi th an i mm ens e s en se o f p o wer] N O by ,

G e o rg e !
FRANKLY N I t h in k I sh all s p e ak bo th f o r my b ro t her
.

and my s elf and p o s s ibly al s o f o r my dau g h t er if I s ay

, ,

t h at s inc e th e O bj ec t O f you r vi s it and M r Joyc e B u rg e s ’

i s to s om e ext ent p olitical we s h ould h e a r wit h g re at ,

int eres t s om eth in g about you r p olitical aim s M r L ubin , .

LUB I N [ as s en ti n g wi th c o mp l ete g o o d humor and be ,

c o mi n g a t ten ti v e c l e ar an d b u s i n es s li k e i n h i s t o n e ] B y
, ,

all m ean s M r B a rnab a s W h at we h av e to con s id er

, .

fi r s t I ta k e it i s wh a t p ro sp ect th ere i s o f our findin g

, ,

you b es ide u s in th e H ou s e aft er th e n ext el ection .

FRANKLY N W h en I s p eak of p olitic s M r L ubin I

.
, ,

am not t hin k in g of el ection s o r avail abl e s eat s o r p a r ty, ,

fund s o r th e reg i s t ers o r ev en I am s o rry to h av e to

, , ,

add of p arliam en t as it exi s t s at p resent I h ad much

,
.

r at h er you tal k ed about b r id g e t h an about el ection eer

i n g : it i s t h e mo r e int eres tin g g am e of th e two .

BURGE H e want s to di s cu s s p rinci p l es L ubin

.
, .

LUB I N [ v ery c o o l an d c lear] I und ers tand M r B ar

naba s quit e w ell B ut el e ction s are un s ettl ed t h in g s
.

r inci p l e s are s e ttl e d t h in g s

p .

C ONRAD [ i mp ati en tl y ] Gre at H e av en s

LUB I N [ i n terrup t i ng h i m wi th qui et au tho ri ty ] O n e
mom ent D r B a rnaba s T h e main p ri ncip l es on wh ich
,
.

mod ern civiliz ed s oci ety i s found ed are p retty w ell

70 Go s p el of th e B rot h ers B arn abas P a rt II
p e o pl e in a conclu s iv e and convincin g way exc ep t of , ,

cou rs e as f ar as it may be advi s abl e to indul g e and flat

,

ter t h em a littl e s o as to l et t h em down wit h out c reatin g

ill feelin g in th e wo rk in g cla s s el ecto r at e In sh o r t I
-

.
,

can g et th at l ectu re up a g ain almo s t at a mom ent s ’

notic e .

S AVV Y B ut M r L ubi n I h ave h ad a univers ity ed u

.
, ,

cation t oo ; and all th i s abo ut wa g es and di s tribution

bein g fix ed by immutabl e laws of p olitical e conomy i s
ob s ol et e r o t .

F R ANKLY N [ s hoc k ed ] O h my d e a r ! T h at i s not ,

p olit e.

LUB I N N o no no D ont s cold h er S he mu stnt b e

.
, , . .

s colded [ I und tand You a di ci l

. T o S av v y] e rs a r e s
p . e

of K a rl b l arx .

SA V V Y N o no K a rl M a rx s economi es are all ro t

.
, .
’
.

LU R I N [ at l as t a l i ttl e tak en ab ac k ] D ea r m e !
SAVV Y You mu s t excu s e m e M r L ubin ; but i t s li k e
.
,
’

h e a rin g a man t al k about th e G a r d e n of E d en .

C ONRAD W hy sh ouldnt h e tal k about th e G a rd en of

.

E d en ? It was a fi rs t att em p t at biolo g y any h ow .

LUB I N [ rec o v eri ng hi s s el f p o s s es si o n ] I am s ound on

th e G
-

a r d en O f E d en I h av e h ea rd of D a rwin
. .

SAVV Y B ut D a rwin i s all ro t

. .

LUB I N Wh at ! Al re ady !
.

SA V V Y I t s no g ood you r s milin g at me lik e a

.
’

C h esh i re cat M r L ubin ; and I am not g oin g to s i t h ere

,

mumc h anc e li k e an old fa sh ion ed g oody g oody wife - -

wh il e you m en mono p oliz e th e conv ers ation and p ay o ut

th e v ery g h a s tli es t e x p lod ed dr iv el as th e lat es t t h in g in
olitic I am not ivin you my own id ea s M r L ubin
p s .
g g , ,

but j u s t th e r eg ula r o rth odox s ci enc o f to day O nly

e — .

th e mo s t awful old fo s sil s th in k th at S ociali s m i s bad

e conomic s and th at D a rwin inv ent e d E volution A sk .

P a p a A sk U ncl e A sk th e fi rs t p ers on you m eet in the

. .
P art II Go s p el of th e B rot h ers B arn abas 71

t t [ S he ri s es an d c ro ss es to Has l am ] G ive me a
s ree . .

ci g a ret B ill will you ?

, ,

HASLAM P ric el es s [ H e c o mp li es ]
. . .

FRANKLY N S avvy h as n o t liv ed lon g e nou g h to h av e

.

an y mann ers M r L ubin ; but t h at i s w h er e you s tand

,

wit h th e youn g er g en eration D ont s mo k e de a r .

, .

S av v y wi th a s hrug of rath e r mu ti n o us res i g n at i o n

, ,

th ro ws t he c i g are t i n to th e fire H asl am, on th e p o i n t

.

O
f g l i h ti n g o n e
f o r h i m s el
f c h a
,
n
g es hi s m i n d .

LUB I N [ s hrewd an d s eri o us ] M r B a rnaba s : I confes s

I am s u rp ri s ed ; and I will not p re t end t h at I am con ~

v i n c ed . B ut I am o p en to conviction I may b e w ron g . .

B U R GE [ i n a bur s t o f i ron y ] O h no Im p o s s ibl e ! I m .

s s ibl e !
p o

LUB I N Y es, M r B a rnaba s , t h ou g h I do not p o s ses s

.

B u rg e s g eniu s f o r be in g alway s wr on g , I h av e b een in

’

t h at p o s ition onc e o r twic e I could not conc eal from

.

you , ev en if I wi s h ed to , th at my tim e h as b ee n s o com

p l e t el
y fill e d by my
p r of e s s ional wo rk as a lawy er , and

lat er on by my duti es as l ead er of th e H ou se of C om

mon s in th e day s wh en P rim e M ini s t ers w ere al s o
l eaders
RUR GE [ s tung ] N ot to m entio n b rid g e and s ma r t
s oci ety .

LUB I N not to m ention th e continual and t ryin g

.
-

eff o r t to ma k e B u r e b eh av e h im s elf t h at I h av e not

g ,

b een abl e to k eep my acad emic readin g up to dat e I .

h av e k ep t my cla s s ic s b ru sh e d u p out of s h eer lov e f o r

t hem ; but my economic s and my s ci enc e s uc h as th ey , ‘

were may p o s s ibly be a littl e ru s ty Y et I th ink I may

, .

s ay t h at if you and you r b r oth er will b e s o g ood as to

u t m e on th e t rack of th e n ec es s a ry docu ment s I will

p ,

under ta k e to p ut th e ca s e t o th e H ou s e o r to th e count ry
to you r enti re s ati s faction You s ee as lon g as you
.
,

can s h ew th ese t roubl esom e h alf educat ed p eopl e wh o -

72 Go s p el of th e B rot h er s B a rn aba s Pa t I I
r

want to tu r n th e wo rld up s ide down t h at th ey ar e tal k

i n g non sen s e it really do es not matt er v ery much
,

wh et h er you do it in t erm s of wh a t M i s s B a rnabas call s

obs ol et e ro t o r in t erm s of w h at h er gr anddau g h t er will
robably call unmiti at ed to sh I h av e no obj e ctio n
p g .

wh at ev er to d enounc e K a rl M a r x Anyth in g I can s ay .

a g ain s t D a rwin wil l p l ea s e a la rg e body of s inc erely

p iou s vot er s If it
. will b e e a s i er to ca r ry o n th e bu s i

n es s of th e count ry on the und er s tandin g th at th e

es ent s tat e of t h in s i s to b e call ed S ociali s m I h av
p r
g e ,

no obj ection in th e wo rld to call it S o ciali s m T h ere i s .

th e p re c ed ent of th e E m p ero r C on s tantin e wh o s av ed ,

th e s oci e ty of h i s own day by a g reein g to call h i s I m

eri al s m C h r i s ti anity M ind I mu t not a h ead O f
p j : s
.
g o

t h e el ecto rat e You mu s t not call a vot er a S ociali s t

.

until
F R ANKLY N Until h e i s a S ociali s t A greed
. . .

LUB I N O h not at all You n eed not wait f o r th at

.
, . .

You mu s t not call h i m a S ociali s t until h e wi sh es to b e

c all e d a S ociali s t : t h at i s all S u r ely you would not s ay
.

t h at I mu s t not addres s my con stitu ent s as g entl em en

until t h ey are g entl em en I addres s th em as g entl em en
.

b ecau s e th ey wi sh to be s o add ress ed [ H e ri s es f ro m .

the s o a and
f g o es t o F ran k l yn , p l ac i ng a reas s u ri ng

han d on hi s D o not be afraid of S o ciali sm

s h o u l d er] .
,

M r B a r naba s You n eed not t rembl e f o r you r p r o p erty

.

o r you r p o s ition o r you r di g nity E n g land will remain .

wh at E n g land i s no matt er wh at n ew p olitical nam es

,

may com e into vo g u e I do not int end to res i s t th e

.

t ran s ition to S ociali sm You may d ep end on me to g uide

.

it to l ead it to g iv e s uitabl e exp res s ion to i t s a sp ira

, ,

tion s and to s t eer it cl ea r o f U to p ian ab s u rditi es I can

,
.

h on es tly ask f o r you r s u p p o r t on th e mo s t advanc e d

S ociali s t g round s no l es s th an on th e s ound es t L iberal
0 11 8 8 .
74 Go s p el of th e B rot h ers B a rn abas P art II
R UR GE [ ri si ng ]
al s oM ay t h e
p a r ty count on you r

s upp o r t ? I s ay noth in g about myself C an th e p a r ty

.

dep end on you ? I s t h ere any qu es tio n of you rs t h at I

h av e l eft unan sw ered ?
C ON R A D W e h av ent a sk ed you any you know
.
, .

B U R GE . M ay I t ak e th at as a ma rk of confid enc e ?
C ONRA D If I were a labo rer in you r c on s titu e ncy I
.
,

s h ould ask you a biolo g ical qu e s tion ?

LU R I N N o you wouldnt my d e a r D octo r L ab o rers

.
, .

nev er as k qu es tion s .

R UR CE . A sk it now I h ave n ever fli n ch ed from

.

b ein g h eck l ed O ut with it I s it about th e land ?

. .

CONRAD N o . .

BURGE I s it about th e C h u r ch ?
.

CONRAD N o . .

BURGE I s it about th e H ou s e of L o rd s ?
.

CO N R AD .

BURGE I s it about P ro p o r tional R ep res entation ?

.

CONRAD .

BURGE I s it about Fr ee T rad e ?

.

CONRAD N o . .

BURGE I s it about t h e p ri es t in th e s ch ool ?

.

CONR A D N o . .

BURGE I s it ab o ut I reland ?
.

CONRAD N o . .

BURGE I s it about Germany ?

.

C ONRAD NO . .

B U B GE W ell i s it about R ep ublicani s m ? C om e ! I

. ,

wont flinch I s it about t h e M onar ch y ?

.

C O NRAD N o . .

R UR CE W ell wh at th e devil i s it about then ?

.
, ,

C ONRAD You und ers tand t h at I am a sk in g th e qu es

.

tion in the ch a ract er of a labo rer wh o ea rn ed th i rt ee n

s h illin g s a w ee k b e fo r e th e w ar and e a rn s t h i r ty now ,

wh en h e c an get i t ?
P art I I Gosp el of th e B rot h ers B arn aba s 75

BU R GE Y es : I und ers tand th at I am ready f o r you

. . .

O u t Wi th it .

CONRAD A nd wh om you p ro po s e to rep res ent in

.

p a rliam ent ?

B URGE Y es y es y es C om e o n
.
, , . .

C ONRAD . T h e qu es tion i s th i s W oul d you allow .

you r s o n to m a rry my dau g h t er o r you r dau g h t er to ,

ma rry my s o n ?
R UR G [ t k b k ] O h com ! T h at not a oliti
’

E a en a a c e s
p ,

cal qu es tion .

C ON R AD . T h en as a biolo g i s t I dont ta k e th e s li g h t
, ,

es t int eres t in you r p olitic s ! and I s h all not wal k ac r o s s

th e s t ree t to vot e f o r you o r anyon e el s e at th e el e ction .

G ood ev enin g .

! LUB I N
. S erv e you ri g h t B u r g e ! D r B a rnaba s : you
,

h av e my a s s u r anc e t h at my dau g h t er s h all ma rry th e

man of he r c h oic e w h et h er h e be lord o r labo rer M ay
, .

I count on you r s u p p o rt ?
B URGE [ h url i n g th e ep i th e t at h i m ] H umbu g !
SAVV Y S to p [ T h ey al l s top s h o r t i n the mo v emen t
. .

O f l e av e tak i n g to l o o k at h er ] Da ddy : are you g oin g .

to l et t h em o ff lik e th i s ? H o w are t h ey to k now any

th in g i f nobody ev er t ell s th em ? If you dont I will , .

CONRAD You cant You didn t read my book ; and

. .

you k now noth in g about it You j u s t h old y bur ton gu e . .

SAVV Y I j u s t wont N unk I sh a ll h av e a vot e wh e n

. , .

I am t h i rty ; and I ou g h t t o h av e it now W hy are .

t hes e two r idiculou s p e o pl e to b e allowed to com e in and

wal k ov er u s as if th e wo rld exi s ted onl y to play t h ei r
s illy a rliam enta ry g am e ?
p
FRANKLY N [ s ev erel y] S avvy : you really mu s t not b e
uncivil to o ur g u es t s .

SAVV Y I m s o rry B ut M r L ubin di dnt s tand o n

.
’
.

muc h c eremony with m e did h e ? A nd M r B u r g e h a s nt

,

add res sed a s in g l e wo rd to me I m not g oin g to s tand .

’
76 Gos p el Of th e B rot h ers B arn abas P a t IIr

it You and N un k h av e a m uch b ett er p r o g r am th an

.

eit h er of t h e m I t s th e only o n e we are g oin g to vot e

’
.

f o r ; and t h ey ou g h t to b e told about it f o r th e c redit of

t h e family and t h e g ood of t h eir own s oul s You j u s t .

t i p t h em a c h a p t er f r om th e g o sp el of th e b roth er s B ar
naba s D addy
, .

L u b i n and B u rg e tu rn en u i ri n
q l
g y to Fran k l yn ,

s u s ec ti n a mo v e t o
p g f o rm a n ew p art
y .

FRANKLY N I t i s quit e t ru e M r L ubin th at I and

.
, ,

my b rot h er h av e a littl e p r o g r am O f o u r own wh ic h

CONRAD [ i n terrup ti ng ] I t s not a littl e p r o g ram : i t s
’ ’

an almi g h ty b i g o n e I t s not o u r o wn : i t s th e p r o gram

.
’ ’

of th e w h ol e of civilization .

BURGE T h e n wh y s p lit th e p a r ty b efo re you h av e

.

it to s? o r G od s s a k e l et u s h av e no mo re s lit s
’
p u t u F p .

I am h er e to l e a rn I am h ere to g ath er you r op i nion s

.

and rep res ent t h em I invit e you to p u t you r vi ew s

.

b efo r e m e I o ff er my s elf t o b e h eck l ed You h av e

. .

a s k ed m e only an abs u rd non p olitical qu es tion -

FRANKLY N C andidly I fea r o ur p ro gr am wi ll b e

.
,

th rown away on you I t would not int eres t you

. .

B URGE [ wi th c h al l en g i n g aud ac i ty ] T ry L ubin can .

o if h e li k es ; but I am s till o en to n ew id e a s if only I

g p ,

can find th em .

FRANKL Y N [ to Lu bi n ] A re you p rep a red to li s t en ,

M r L ubin o r sh all I th ank you f o r you r v ery k ind and

w elc o m e V I s i t an d s ay g ood ev enin g ?
,

LUB I N [ s i t ti ng d o wn resi g ned l y on the s ettee bu t i a ,

v o l u n t ari l y mo v emen t whi c h l o o k s l i k e th e

m ak i n g a
s ti fl i n g O f a y awn ] W it h p l e a s u re , M r B a rn aba s Of .

cou rs e you k now th at b efo re I can adop t any n ew p lank

in th e p a r ty p latfo rm , it will h ave to reac h me t hr ou g h
th e N ational L ib er al F ed er ation , w h ich you can ap
r oach t h r ou g h you r local L ib e r al and R adical A s s o
p
c i at i o n .
78 Go s p el of th e B roth ers B arn ab as P art II
F R ANKLY N T h at was o ur lo s s alon e
. .

BU R GE O h if you co unt fo rei g n ers

.
,

HASLAM G od coun ts fo rei g n ers you k now

.
, .

SA VVY [ wi th i n ten s e s ati s f ac ti o n ] W ell s aid B ill , .

FRANKLY N I am not blamin g you You r t a s k was

. .

b eyond h uman cap acity W h at wit h o u r h u g e a rma

.

m ent s o ur t erribl e e n g in es of d es t ruction o ur s y s t em s

, ,

of c oer cion mann ed by an i rres i s tibl e p olic e you w ere ,

call e d on to contr ol p ow ers s o g i g antic t h at o n e s h udd ers

at th e t h ou g h t of t h ei r b ein g ent ru st ed ev en to an i n
finit ely exp eri enc ed and ben evolent God much l es s to ,

mo r tal m en Wh o se wh ol e life do es not la s t a h und re d

y ea rs.

R UR CE . W e won th e war : dont fo rg et th at .

F R ANKL YN N o : th e s oldi ers and s ailo rs won it and

.
,

l eft you to fini sh it A nd you w ere s o utt erly i n c o m

.

e t ent t h at th e multitud es of c h ild r e n slain by h un g e r

p
in the fi rs t y ea rs of p eac e mad e u s all wi s h we w ere at
war a g ain .

CONRA D I t s no u s e a rg uin g about it It i s now

.
’
.

ab s olut ely c ertain t h at t h e po litical and s ocial p r oblem s

rai s ed by o ur civilization cannot b e s olv ed by m ere
h uman mu s h room s wh o d ecay and d i e w h en t h ey are j u s t
b eg innin g to h av e a g limm er of th e wi s dom and k nowl
ed e n eed ed f o r th ei r own g ov er nm ent
g .

LUB I N Quit e an int eres tin g id ea D octo r E xt rav a

.
, .

g ant. F anta s tic B ut quit

. e int eres tin g W h e n I was .

youn g I u s ed to feel my h uman limitation s v ery acut ely .

B URGE G od k now s I h av e oft en felt t h at I could not

.

o on if it h ad not b ee n f o r th e s en s e t h at I was only an

g
in s t rum ent in th e h and s of a P ow er abov e us .

C ON R AD I m g lad you both a g ree with u s and with

.
’
,

o n e anoth er .

LU R I N I h av e not g on e s o f ar as th at I th ink
.
, .
P art I I Go s p el of th e B rot h er s B arn abas 79

A ft er all we h av e h ad many v ery abl e p olitical l ead ers

,

ev e n with in you r recoll e ction and min e .

FRANKLY N H av e you read th e rec ent bio g ra ph i es

.

D il k e s f o r in s tanc e — wh ich rev e al ed th e t rut h about

’
,

t h em ?
LU R I N I did not di s cov er any n ew t rut h rev e al e d in
.

the s e boo k s M r B a r naba s

, .

FRANKLY N W h at ! N ot th e t r ut h th at E n g land was

.

g ov er n ed all t h at tim e by a littl e w o man wh o k n ew h e r

O wn mind ?

SAVV Y H ea r h ea r !
.
,

LU R I N T h at oft en h a pp en s Wh ic h woman do you

. .

m ean ?
FRANKLY N Qu een V icto ria to wh om you r P rim e
.
,

M ini s t ers s tood in th e r elation of nau g h ty c h ild ren

wh o s e h e ad s sh e k n o c k ed to g eth er wh en t hei r t em p er s
and qua r rel s b e cam e intol erabl e W ith in t h i r te en y e a rs.

of h er d e ath E u r o p e b ecam e a h ell .

E UR CE Quit e t ru e T h at was be cau s e s h e was

. .

p iou s ly b r ou h t u
g p and r e a r d ed h ers elf as an i n s t r u
g ,

m ent If a s tat es m an reme mb ers t h at h e i s only an

.

in s t rum ent and feel s quit e s u re th at h e i s r i g h tly int er

,

r et i n t h e divin e p u r o se h e will com e out all ri h t

p g p , g ,

you k now .

F R A N xL Y N T h e K ai s er f elt li k e t h at
. D id h e com e .

o u t all r i g h t ?

BURGE W ell l et u s be fai r even to the K ai s er L et

.
, , .

us be fai r .

FRANKLY N W ere you fai r to hi m wh en you w i n an

.

el ection on th e p r o g ram of h an in hi m ?
g g
BU R GE S tu ff I am the la s t man aliv e to h an g any
.

body ; but th e p eop l e wouldnt li s t en to rea s on B es ides .

,

I k n ew th e D utch wouldnt g iv e h i m up .

SAV VY O h dont s ta r t a rg uin g about p oo r old B ill

.
, .

S tick to o ur p oint L et th ese two g entl em e n s ettl e th e

.
80 Go sp el of th e B roth ers B a rn abas P art II
ques tion f o r t h em selv es M r B u r g e : do you th ink M r
.

L ubin i s fit to g ov ern E n g land ?

BURGE N o Fr ank ly I don t
. .
,
.

LUB I N [ remon s t ran t ] R e ally !

CONRAD W hy ?.

B URGE B ecau s e h e h as no c on s c i en ee : th at s wh y
. .

LUB I N [ sho c k ed an d amaz ed ] O h !

FRANKLY N M r L ubin : do you con s id er Joyc e B u rg e
.

qualifi ed t o g ov ern E n g land ?

LUB I N [ wi th d i g n i fi ed em o ti on wo un d ed bu t wi thou t
, ,

b i t terne s s ] E xcu s e m e M r B a r naba s ; but b efo r e I

,

an s w er t h at qu es tion I want to s ay th i s B u rg e : we h av e
.

h ad di ff erenc es of o p inion ; and you r n ew s p ap er fr i end s

h av e s aid h a r d t h in g s of m e B ut we wo rk ed to g e th er
.

f o r y ea rs ; and I h o p e I h av e don e not h in g t o j u s tify

you in th e a m azin g accu s ation you h av e j us t b r ou g h t
a g ain s t me D O you re aliz e t h at you s aid th at I h av e
.

no con s ci enc e ?
B URGE L ubin : I am v ery acc es s ibl e to an a pp eal t o
.

my emotion s ; and you are v ery cunnin g in mak in g such

a p p e al s I will m eet you to th i s ext ent I dont m ean
. .

t h at you are a bad man I dont m ean t h at I di slik e you

.
,

in s p ite O f you r continual att em p t s to di s cou ra g e and

dep re s s m e B ut you h av e a mind lik e a look in g g la s s
.
-
.

Y ou are v ery cl ea r and s mooth and lucid as to wh at i s

s tandin g in f r ont of you B ut you h av e no fo res i gh t
.

and no hind s i g h t You h av e no vi s ion and no m emo ry

. .

You h av e no continuity ; and a man with out continuity

can h av e n eith er con s ci enc e n o r h ono r from o ne day to
anot h er T h e res ult i s th at yau h av e alway s b een a
.

damn ed bad mini s t er ; and you h av e s om etim es b een a

damn e d bad fri end N ow you can an s w er B a rnaba s
.
’

q u es tion and ta k e it out o f m e t o you r h e a rt s c o nt ent

’
.

H e a sk e d you was I fit to g ov er n E n g land .

LUB I N [ rec o v eri n g h i ms el f ] A ft er wh at h as j u st

82 G os p el of th e B rot h er s B arn aba s P a t II
r

then th at you two are abl e to t ell o f o n e an o ther s ’

d efect s s o clev erly in you r aft ernoon ch at ?

B URGE [ ang ri l y ] If you com e to t h at wh at con s ola ,

tion will it be t h at you two can s i t th ere and t ell both O f

u s O ff ? you wh o h av e h ad no r e s p on s ibility ! you wh o
, ,

h av n t lift e d a fin g e r as f ar as I k now to h el p us
, ,

throu g h t h i s awful cri s i s wh ic h h as l eft me ten y ea rs

old er t h an my p ro p er ag e ! C an you t ell me a s in g l e
t hin g you did to h el p us du rin g th e wh ol e infern al
bu s in es s ?
C ONRAD We re not blamin g you : you h adnt liv ed
.
’

lon g enou gh N o mo re h ad we C ant you s ee th at

. .

t hree s co re and t en th ou g h it may b e lon g enou g h f o r

- - -

a v ery c rud e s o r t of villa g e lif e i s nt lon g enou g h f o r a ,

com p licat e d civilization li k e ou r s ? Flind ers P etri e h as

count ed nin e att em p t s at civilization mad e by p eop l e
e xa ctly li k e u s ; and ev eryon e of t h e m fail e d j u s t as ou rs

i s failin g T h ey fail e d b e cau s e th e citiz en s and s tat es

.

m en di ed of O l d ag e o r ov ereatin g b efo r e th ey h ad
g r own out of s ch oolboy
g am es and sava e s o rt s and
g p
ci g a r s and c h amp a gn e T h e s i g n s of th e en d are .

alway s th e s am e : D emoc r acy S ociali s m and V ot es f o r , ,

W om en W e s h all g o to s ma sh with in th e lifetim e of

.

men now livin g unl es s we reco g niz e th at we mu s t liv e

lon g er .

LUB IN I am g lad you a g ree with m e t hat S ociali s m

.

and V ot es f o r W om en are s i g n s of de cay .

FRANKLY N N ot at all : t h ey are only th e di fficulti es

.

th at ov er tax you r cap acity I f you cannot o rg aniz e .

S ociali s m you canno t o rg aniz e civiliz ed life ; and you

will relaps e into ba rba ri s m acco rdin g ly .

SAVV Y H e a r h ea r !
.
,

R UR CE A u s eful p oint W e cannot p ut back the

. .

HASLAM . I can . I v e Oft en don e it .

P art II Go s p el Of th e B roth er s B a rn abas 83

LU R I N T ut tut !
. M y d ea r B u rg e : wh at are you
dreamin g of P M r B ar naba s : I am a v ery p ati ent man
. .

B ut will you t ell m e w h at e a r th ly u s e o r int eres t t h e re

i s in a conclu s ion t h at cannot be r e aliz ed ? I g r ant you
th at if we coul d liv e three h undred y ea rs we s h ould all
b e, p erh a p s wi s er , c ertai n ly old er You will g r ant me
.

in re tu rn , I h o p e, th at if th e s k y f ell we s h ould all catc h

la rk s .

FRANKL YN You r tu rn now , C on r ad G o a h ead

. . .

CO NRAD I dont th in k i t s any g ood I dont t h ink

.
’
.

t h ey want to liv e lon g er t h an u s ual .

LUB I N A lt h ou g h I am a m ere ch ild of 69 , I am O l d

.

e nou h to h av e lo s t t h e h abit of c ryin f o r t h e moo n

g g .

B URGE H av e you di s covered t h e elixi r of life o r h av e

.

you not ? If not , I a g ree wit h L ubin t h at you are was t

i n g o ur t im e .

CONRAD I s you r tim e of any valu e ?

.

R UR GE [ u n a b l e t o b el i ev e h i s ears
] M y tim e of any

valu e ! Wh at do you m ean ?

LUB I N [ s mi l i n g c o mf o r tabl y ] F r om you r h i g h s c i en
t ifi c p oin t of vi ew , I da res ay , non e w h at ev er , P r ofe s s o r .

In any ca s e I t hink a littl e p e rf e ctly idl e d i s cu s s ion

would do B u rg e g ood A ft er all , we mi g h t as w ell h ea r
.

about th e elixi r of life as read nov el s , o r wh at ev er B u rg e

do es when h e i s not p layin g g olf on W alton H eath .

Wh at i s you r elixi r , D r B a rnaba s ? L emo n s ? S ou r

mil k ? O r wh at i s th e lat es t ?
R UR GE W e w ere j u s t b eg innin g to tal k s eriou s ly
.

and now you s natch at th e c h anc e of tal k in g ro t [ H e .

ri s es ] G ood ev enin g [H e tu rn s to th e d o o r ]
. . .

C ONRAD [ rud el y ] D i e as s oon as you li k e G ood e ven .

In
g .

BUR C E [ he s i tati ng ] L oo k h ere I too k s ou r milk twic e

.

a day until M etch ni k off di ed H e th ou g h t it would k eep

.

h i m aliv e f o r ev er ; and h e di ed of it .
 Go sp el of th e B rot hers B arn abas P a t II
r

CONRAD You mi g h t as w ell h av e ta k en s ou r b eer

. .

BURGE You b eli ev e in l emon s ?

.

CONRAD I woul dnt eat a l emon f o r ten p ounds

. .

BURGE [ s i t ti ng do wn ag ai n ] Wh at do you rec o m

m end ?
C ONRAD [ ri si n g wi th a g es tu re o f d espai r] Wh at s th e
u s e of g oin g on Fr an k ? , B e cau se I am a docto r and ,

b ecau s e t h ey th ink I h av e a bottl e to g i ve t h em th at will

ma k e th em liv e f or ev er th ey are li s t enin g to m e f o r th e
,

fi rs t tim e wit h th ei r mouth s o pe n and t h ei r ey es s h ut .

T h at s t h ei r notion of s ci enc e .

SAVV Y S t e ady N un k ! H old th e fo rt

.
, .

CONRAD [ g rowl s and s i ts d o wn ]

LUB I N You volunt eered th e con sultation D octor I
.
, .

may t ell you t h at f ar f r om s h a r in g th e c r edulity as to

,

s ci enc e w h ich i s now th e fa s h ion I am re a red to d em

p p ,

o n s t r at e t h at du rin t h e la s t fifty y e a r s t h ou h t h
g g e ,

C h u r c h h as of t en b ee n w ron g and ev en th e L ib eral P a r ty

,

h as not b een infallibl e th e men of s ci enc e h av e alway s

,

b een w r on g .

CO NRAD Y es : t h e fellow s you call men of s ci enc e

. .

T h e p eo p l e wh o mak e mon ey by it and t h ei r m edical ,

h an g ers o n
-
B ut h as anybody b een r i gh t ?
.

LUB I N T h e p o et s and s to ry t ell ers es p ecially th e

.
,

cla s s ical p o et s and s to ry t ell ers h av e b een in th e main , , ,

ri h t I will ask you not to rep eat t h i s as my o p inion

g .

outs id e ; f o r th e vot e of th e m edical p rofes s ion and i ts

wo rsh ip p ers i s not to b e tri fled with .

FRANKLY N You are quit e ri g h t : th e p o em i s o ur r eal

.

clu e to biolo g ical s ci enc e T he mo s t s ci entific d o cum ent

.

we p o s s es s at p res ent i s as you r g r andmot h er would

,

h av e told you quit e t ruly t h e s to ry of th e G a rd en O f

,

E d en .

BURGE [ p ri c k i n g up hi s ears ] W h at s th at ? If you

c an es tabli s h t h at B a rnab a s I am e a red to h ea r you
, p p
r ,
86 Go s p el of th e B roth ers B arn abas P art I i
LUB I N [ wi th qui et s c ep ti c i s m] Wh at p u r suit may o ne ,

as k M r B a r naba s ?
,

FRANKLY N T h e p urs uit of omni p ot enc e and o m

.

n i sc i en ce
. G reat er p ow e r and g reat er k nowl ed g e : th es e
are w h at we ar e all p u r s uin g ev e n at th e ri sk of o u r liv es
and the s a c ri fic e of o ur p l ea s u res E volution i s th at .

p u r s uit and noth in

g el s e I t i s th e
p at
. h of g od h ead .

A m an di ffers fr om a mic r o be only in b ein g fu rt h er on

t h e p at h.

LUB I N A nd h o w s oon do you exp e ct t h i s mod es t en d

.

to b e reach ed ?
FRANKLY N N ev er th ank G od ! A s t h ere i s no limit
.
,

to po w er and k nowl ed g e th er e can b e no en d “ T he .

”
p ow er and th e
g lo ry wo rld wit h out e n d
, : h av e t h o s e

wo rd s mean t n o th i n g to you ?
‘

B URGE [p u l l i n g o u t an o l d en v el o pe] I sh ould li k e to

ma k e a not e of th at [H e d o es s o ] . .

C ONRAD T h e re will alway s b e s om eth in g to liv e f o r

. .

BURGE [ p o c k e ti n g h i s en v el o p e and b ec o mi n g mo re an d
mo re bu s i n es s l i k e] R i g h t : I h av e g o t t h at N ow wh at .

about s i n ? W h at about th e F all ? H o w do you wo rk

th em in ?
CONRAD I d ont wo rk in th e Fall T h e Fall i s out
. .

s id e S ci e n c e B ut I da res ay Frank can wo rk it in f o r

.

you .

BURGE [ to F ran k l yn ] I wi sh you would you kn o w , .

I t s im p o rtant
’
V ery im p o rtant
. .

FRANKLY N Well con s id er it th i s way It i s cl ea r

.
, .

that wh en A dam and E v e w er e immo rtal it w as n ec es

s a ry t h at t h ey s h ould ma k e th e e a r t h an e xt rem ely com

f o rt abl e plac e to liv e in .

B URGE T ru e I f you tak e a h ou s e on a nin ety nin e

. .
-

y e a rs l ea s e you s p end a g ood d eal of mon ey on it I f

,
.

you ta k e it f o r th ree month s y o u g en er ally h av e a bill

f o r dila p idation s to p ay at th e en d of th em .
P art I I Go sp el of th e B rot h er s B arn abas

F RANKLY N Ju s t 5 0 C on s equ ently wh en A dam h ad

. .
,

t h e G a rd en of E d e n on a l ea s e f or ev er h e too k ca re to ,

m a k e it wh at th e h ou se a g ent s c all a h i g hly d es i rabl e

count ry r es idenc e B ut th e mom ent h e inv en ted d eath
.
,

and b ecam e a t enant f o r life onl y th e p lac e was no ,

lon g er wo rth th e t roubl e It was t h en th at h e l et th e

.

t hi s tl es g row L ife was s o sh o r t t h at it was no lon g er

.

wo rt h h i s wh il e to d o anyth in g t h o r ou g h ly w ell .

BURGE D o you t hin k t h at i s enou g h to con s titut e

.

wh at an av era g e el ector would con sid er a F all ? I s it

t ra g ic enou g h ?
FRANKLY N T h at i s only the fi rs t st ep of t h e Fall
. .

A dam did not fall down t h at s t ep o nly : h e fell down a

w h ol e fli g h t F o r in s tanc e b efo re h e inv ent ed bi rt h h e
.
,

da red not h av e lo s t h i s t emp er ; f o r if h e h ad k ill ed E v e

h e would h av e b een lon ely and ba rr en to all e t er nity .

B ut wh en h e inv e nt ed bi rth and anyon e wh o was k ill ed ,

could be replac ed h e could aff o rd to l et h im self g o H e

, .

undoubt edly inv ent ed wife b e atin g ; and th at was an -

ot her s t ep down O n of h s on s inv nt e d m e at e atin g

e
. i s e — .

T h e oth er was h o rrifi ed at th e innovation W ith th e .

ferocity wh ich i s s till c h a rac teri s tic of bull s and oth er

v eg eta rian s h e s l ew h i s bee fs t ea k e atin g b r oth er and
,
-

th u s inv ent ed mu rd er T h at was a v ery s t eep s t ep

. It .

was s o excitin g th at all th e oth ers be g an t o k ill o n e an

other f o r s p o r t and t h u s inv ent ed war th e s t eepes t s t ep
, ,

of all T hey even took to k illin g animal s as a me an s

.

of k illin g tim e and th en of cou r se ate th em to s av e th e

, , ,

lon g and di fficult labo r of a g r icultu re I ask you to .

contem plat e o u r fath er s as t h ey cam e c ra sh in g down all

t h e s t ep s of t h i s Ja cob s ladder t h at re ach ed f r om p a ra
’

di se to a h ell on ea rth in wh ich th ey h ad multipli ed the

ch ances of d eath from viol enc e accid ent and di s ea s e , ,

until t hey could h a r dly count on th ree s co re and ten

y ears of life much l ess th e th ou s and t h at A dam h ad
,
88 Go s p el of th e B roth er s B a rn aba s P a t II
r

b een ready to fac e ! W it h t h at p ictu re b efo re you will ,

you now as k m e where was th e Fall ? You mi g h t as w ell

s tand at th e foot of S nowd en and as k m e w h er e i s th e

mountain T h e v ery c h ild ren s ee it s o p lainly t h at t h ey

.

com p res s i ts h i s to ry into a two lin e ep ic

O ld D addy L on g L eg s wouldn t s ay h i s p ray ers

T a k e h i m by th e h ind l e g s and t hrow h i m down s tai rs .

LUB I N [ s ti l l im mo v abl y s c ep ti c al ] A nd wh at do es
S ci enc e s ay to t h i s fai ry tal e D octo r B a rn aba s ? S u rely
,

S ci enc e k now s not h in g of G en es i s o r O f A dam and E v e , .

C ONRAD T h en it i snt S ci enc e : th at s all S ci enc e h as

. .

to account f o r ev eryth in g ; and ev eryt h in g includ es th e

B ibl e .

FRANKLY N T h e B ook of G en es i s i s a p a r t of natu re

.

li k e any oth er p a rt of natu re T h e fact t h at th e tal e of .

th e G a rd en of E d en h as s u rviv e d and h eld th e ima g ina

tion of men s p ellbound f o r c entu r i es wh il s t h undred s ,

of much mo re p lau s ibl e and amu s in g s to ri es h av e g on e

out of fa sh ion and p eri sh e d lik e la s t y ea r s p o p ula r ’

s on g i s a s ci entific fact ; and S ci enc e i s bound to ex p lain

,

it You t ell m e th at S ci enc e k now s not h in g of it T h en

. .

S ci enc e i s mo re i g no rant t h an th e c h ild ren at any villa g e

s c h ool .

C ONRAD O f cou rs e if you th in k it mo re s ci entific t o

.

sa t h at w h at w e ar e di s cu s s in g i s not A dam and E v e

y
and E d en but th e ph ylo g eny of th e bla stod erm
,

SAVV Y You n eednt s w ea r N unk

.
, .

CONRAD S h ut up you : I am not s w ea rin g [ T o

. , .

Lu b i n ] If you want th e p rofess ional humbu g of re

.

writin g th e B ibl e in wo rd s of fou r syllabl es and p re ,

t endin g i t s s om eth in g n ew I can h umbu g you to you r

’
,

h e a r t s cont ent
’
I c an call G en es i s P h ylo g en es i s L e t
. .

th e C reato r s ay if you li k e
“ I wil l es tabli sh an anti
, ,
90 Gosp el of th e B roth ers B arn aba s P art I I
CONRA D G od fo rbid !
.

B U R GE I t s all up with the C h urch now T h ank s t o

.
’
.

you we g o to th e count r y wit h o n e cry and o n e onl y :

,

B ac k to th e B ibl e ! T h ink o f th e e ff ect on th e N oncon

f ormi s t vot e Y o u g ath er t h at in with o n e h and ; and
.

you g at her in th e mod ern s ci entific s c ep tical p ro f es

s i o n al vot e wit h th e ot h er T h e villa g e ath ei s t and t he
.

fi rs t co rn et in th e local S alvation A rmy band m eet on

th e villa g e g reen and s h a k e h and s You ta k e you r .

s ch oo l c h ild r e n you r B ibl e cla s s und er t h e C ow er T em

p
-

l e clau s e into t h e mu s eum You s h e w th e k id s th e P il l;

p , .

“
do wn s k ull ; and yo u s ay T h at s A dam T h at s E v e s .
’
,
”
h u s band . You ta k e th e s p ectacl ed s ci enc e s tud ent f rom
th e labo r ato ry in O w en s C oll eg e ; and wh en h e a sk s you
f o r a t ruly s ci entific h i s to ry of E volution you p ut into ,

h i s h and T h e P il g rim s P ro g res s —

Y ou [ S av v y an d
’
.

H as l am expl o d e i n to s h ri ek s o f merri men t] Wh at are .

you two lau ghin g at ?

SA V VY O h g o on M r B u rg e D ont s t o p
.
, , . .

CONRAD P ric el es s !
.

FRANKL Y N Would t h i rty y ea rs of offic e f o r th e L ib

.

e ral P a r ty s ee m s o im o rtant to you M B u e if you

p r rg , ,

h ad anoth e r two and a h alf c entu r i es to liv e ?

BURGE [ d ec i s i v el y ] N o Y ou w i ll h av e to dro p th at
.

p a r t of it T .h e con s titu enci es wont s wallow it .

LUB I N [ s erio us l y ] I am n ot s o su re of th at B u rg e I , .

am not s u re t h at it may not p rove th e only p oint th ey

will s wallow .

B URGE It will be no u se to us ev en i f th ey do I t s
. .
’

n o t a p a r ty p oint I t s a s g ood f o r th e ot h er s id e as
’
.

f or us .
LUB IN N ot n e c es s a rily If we g et in fi rs t with it
. .
,

it will b e a s s ociat ed in t h e p ublic mind with our p arty .

S u p p o s e I p u t i t fo rwa r d as a p lan k i n o ur p ro g ram

th at we advocat e th e ext en s ion of h uma n life to t h ree
P a rt I I Go s p el o f th e B rot h ers B a rn aba s 91

h undred y ea rs ! D un reen as l e ader of th e Opp o s ite

,

p a rty will b e bound to o

, pp o s e me : to d enoun ce m e as a

vi s iona ry and s o fo rth B y doin g s o h e will p lac e h im

.

s elf i n th e o s ition of wantin to r b t h eo p l e of two

p g o e
p
h undred and t h i r ty y e a rs of th ei r natu ral life T he.

Unioni s t s will b ec om e t h e par ty of P rematu re D e at h ;

’

and we s h all b ecom e th e L on g evity p a rty .

B URGE [ sh ak en ] You really th ink th e el e cto rat e would

s wallo w it ?

LUB IN M y d ear B u rg e : i s th ere anyth in g t he el ec

.

t o rat e will not s wall o w if it i s j udi ciou s ly p ut to t h em ?

B ut we mu s t ma k e s ur e of o u r g round W e mu s t h av e .

th e s u p p o rt of t h e men of s ci enc e I s th ere seriou s

.

a g reem ent amon g t h em D octo r as to t h e p o s s ibil ity o f

, ,

s uch an e volution as you h av e d es c rib ed ?

C ONRAD Y es E v er s inc e t h e reacti on a g ain s t D ar

. .

win s et in at th e beg innin g of th e p res ent c entu ry all ,

s ci entific O inion wo rth co untin h a s b een conv er in

p g g g
r a idly u p on C re ativ e E volution
p .

FRAN KLYN P o etry h as bee n conv erg in g on it : ph il

.

oso ph y h as b ee n converg in g on i t : reli g ion h as be en con

v e rg in g on it It i s g oin g to be t h e r eli g ion of th e tw en
.

t i eth c entu ry : a reli g ion t h at h as i t s int ell e ctual r oot s in

h ilo o h y and s ci enc e j u s t as m edi eval C h r i s tianity
p s p
h ad i t s int ell e ctual r oot s in A r i s totl e .

L UB I N B ut s u rely any c h an g e would b e s o e xt rem ely

.

g r adual t h at
CONRAD D ont d e ce iv e you rs elf I t s only th e p oli ti
. .
’

c i an s wh o im p r ov e th e wo rld s o g r ad ually t h at nobody

can s ee th e im p rov eme nt T h e notion th at N atu re do es

.

not p r oc ee d by j ump s i s only o n e of t h e bud g et of

p lau s ibl e li es t h at w e call cl a s s ical e ducation N atu
. r e

alway s p r oc eed s by j u m p s S h e may s p end tw enty th ou

.

s and y ea r s ma k in g u h e r mind to j um but w h en s h e

p p ;
92 Go sp el of th e B roth er s B arn abas P a t IIr

mak es it up at la s t th e j ump i s b i g enou gh to tak e u s

,

into a n ew ag e .

LUB I N [ i mp res s ed ] Fancy my bein g l ead er of t h e

p a r ty f o r th e n ext t h ree h undr e d y e a rs !

BU B GE V V h at ! "
.

LUB IN P erh a p s h a rd on s om e of th e youn g er men I

. .

th in k in fai rn ess I sh all h av e to s t ep a s id e to mak e r oom

aft er anot her c entu ry o r s o : th a t i s f M imi c an b e p er
s u ad ed to iv e u D ownin g S t reet
i ,

g p .

BURGE T h i s i s too mu c h You r c oll o s s al conc eit

. .

blind s you to th e m o s t obviou s n ec es sity of th e p olitical

s ituation .

LUB IN You m ean my reti reme nt I really cannot s ee

. .

th at it i s a n ec es s ity I could not s ee it wh en I was al

.

mo s t an old man— o r at l ea s t a n eld erly o n e N ow th at .

it ap pe a rs t h at I am a youn g man th e ca s e f o r it b re ak s ,

down comp l et ely [ T o C on rad ] M ay I as k are th ere

. .

any alt erna t iv e th eo ri es ? I s th ere a s ci entific O ppo s i

tion ?
C ONRAD . Well s o me auth oriti es h old that t h e h uman
,

rac e i s a fail u re and th at a n ew fo rm of life be tt er

, ,
‘

adap t ed to h i g h civilization will s upe rs ed e us as we h ave

,

s u ers ed ed t h e a e and th e el e hant

p p p .

BURGE T h e s u p erm an : eh ?
.

C ONRAD N o S om e b ein g quit e di ff erent from us

. . .

LU R I N I s t h at alto g eth er d es irabl e ?

.

FRANKLY N I fea r so H ow ev er th a t may be we may

. .
,

b e quite s u re o f o n e th in g W e sh all not b e l et alon e

. .

T h e fo rc e b ehi nd evoluti on call it w h at you wi l l i s d e

, ,

termi n ed to s olv e th e p r obl em of civilization ; and if it

c annot do i t t hrou gh us it wi ll p roduc e s om e mo re
,

ca pabl e ag ent s M an i s not G od s la s t wo rd : G od can

.
’

s till c re at e
. If you cannot do Hi s wo rk He will p roduc e
s om e b ein g wh o can .

BU B GE [ wi th z eal ou s rev eren ce] W h at do we k now

94 Go sp el of th e B roth er s B arn aba s P art II
LUB I N I am g la d to h ea r you s ay s o You s ee we
. .
,

mus t p ut thi s into a p r actical p a rliam enta ry sh a pe .

BURGE W e sh all h av e to d raft a B ill : th at i s th e

.

lon g and th e s h o rt of it Until you h ave you r B ill .

d raft ed yo u dont k now wh at you are really doin g : that

I S my exp eri enc e .

L UB I N Q ui t e s o M y ide a i s t h at wh i l s t we sh ould
. .

i nt eres t th e el ec to r at e in t h i s as a s o r t of reli g iou s a sp i

r ation and ers onal h o p e u s in g it at t h e s am e tim e to
p ,

remov e t h ei r p r ej udic e s a g ain s t th o s e of u s wh o are

e t t in on in y ear s it w o uld b e in th e la s t de g ree u

g g , p
s ettin g and ev en dan g erou s to enabl e ev eryon e t o liv e

lon g er t h an u s ual T a k e th e m ere qu es tion of th e manu

.

factu re of th e sp ecific wh at ever it may b e ! T h ere ar e

,

forty million s of peop l e in th e count ry Let m e a s sum e .

f o r th e s a k e o f illu s t r ation t h at e ac h p ers on w o uld h av e

to con s um e s ay fi v e ounc es a day o f th e elixi r T h at
, , .

wo ul d be l t me — e see — fi v e tim e s t hr ee h undr ed and

s ixty fi v e i s
- — um twenty fiv e th i rty two— ei gh t een
— — - -

e i h t een h undr ed and tw e nty fi v e ounc es a y e a r : j u s t

g
-

two oun c es over th e hundredwei gh t .

BURGE T wo mil lion ton s a y ea r in r ound numb ers

.
, ,

of s tu ff th at everyon e would clamo r f o r : th at m en would

t r amp l e down wome n and c h ild r en in t h e s t reet s to
g et at . Y ou c ouldnt p rod uc e it T h ere would be blu e .

mu r d er I t s o ut of th e qu es tion W e mu s t k eep th e
.
’
.

actual s ec ret to ours elv es .

C ONRA D [ s t ari n g at them ] T h e actual s ec ret ! Wha t

on e arth i s t he man tal k in g about ?
DU R G R .T he s tu ff T h e p owder . T h e bottl e T he . .

tabloid Wh at ever i t i s You s aid it wa snt l emon s

. . .

C ON R A D M y g ood s i r : I h ave no po wd er no bottl e

. , ,

n o tabloid I am n o t a quack : I am a biolo g i s t T h i s

. .

i s a t hin g th at s g oi n g to happen .
P art II Go sp el of th e B rot h ers B arn abas 95

LUB I N [ c omp l e tel y l e t d o wn ] G oin g to h a pp en ! O h !

'

I s t h at all ? [ H e l o o k s a t h i s watc h ] .

BURGE G oin g to h a pp en ! Wh at do you m ean ? D o

.

you m ean th at you cant ma k e it h app en ?

C ONRAD N o mo re th an I could h av e made you
.

h a pp en ?
FRANKL YN W e can p u t it into m en s h ead s th at th ere
.
’

i s not hi n g to p rev ent i t s h a p p enin g but t h ei r own will to

d i e b efo re t h ei r wo rk i s don e and th ei r own i g no ranc e of
,

t h e s p l e ndid wo rk th ere i s f o r t h em to do
'
.

CO NRAD S p read th at k nowl ed g e and t h at convi o

.

tion ; and as s u rely as th e s un will ri s e tomo rrow th e ,

th in g will h app en .

FRANKLYN W e dont k now wh er e o r wh en o r to wh om

.

it wi l l h a pp en I t may h a pp en fi rs t to s om eon e in th i s
.

r oom .

HASLAM It would h a p p e n to m e : t h at s j olly su re

. .

CONRAD It mi g h t h a p p en to anyon e It mi g h t h ap
. .

p en to t h e
p arlo r maid H o w do w e k now ?
.

S AV VY T h e p a rlo rmaid ! O h t h at s non s en s e N unk

.
, , .

LU R I N [ o n c e m o re qu i te c o mf o r tabl e ] I th ink M i s s
S avvy h as d el iv ered th e final v erdict .

B URGE D o you m e an to s ay t h at you h av e nothin g

.

mo re p ractical to o ff er t h an th e m ere wi sh to liv e lon g er ?

W hy if p eo p l e could liv e by m erely wi s hi n g to we
, ,

s h ould all b e li vin

g f o r e v e r al ready ! E v e rybod y would

lik e to liv e f o r ev er W h y dont th ey ?

.

C ONRAD . P sh aw ! E v e rybody would li k e to h av e a

million of mon ey W hy h av n t t h ey ? B ec au s e th e men
.

wh o would li k e to b e milli onai res wont s av e Sixpenc e ev en

with t h e ch anc e o f s ta rv ation s ta rin g th em in th e fac e .

T h e men wh o want to liv e f o r ev er wont cut o ff a g la s s

of b eer o r a p i pe of tobacco t h ou g h t h ey b eli ev e t h e
,

t eetotall ers an d non s mok ers liv e lon g er T h at s o rt of

-
.
96 Go sp el o f th e B roth er s B arn abas Pa t I I r

li k in g i s not willin g S ee wh at t h ey do wh en t h ey k now

.

th ey mu st .

FRANKLY N D o not mi s tak e m ere idl e fanci es f o r th e

.

t rem endou s mi racl e wo rk in g fo r ce of W ill n erv ed to

-

c reation by a conviction o f N ec es s ity I tell you men .

l ap abl e of s uch willin g and realizin g i t s n e c es s ity will

, ,

do i t reluctantly und er inn er comp ul s ion as all g reat

, ,

effo rt s are mad e T h ey will h id e wh a t th ey are doin g

.

from th em s elv es : t h ey will tak e ca re not to k now wh at

t h ey are doing T h ey will liv e th ree hund red y e a rs not
.
,

becau s e t h ey would li k e to but b ecau s e th e s oul d eep

,

down in th em will k now th at th ey mu s t if th e wo rld i s ,

to b e s av ed .

LUB I N [ turni n g to Frank l yn and p atti ng hi m al mo s t

atern all y] W ell my d ea r B a r naba s f o r t h e la s t t h i r ty
p , ,

y e a rs th e p o s t h as b rou gh t m e at l ea s t onc e a w eek a

p lan f r om s om e c ran k o r ot h er f o r t h e es t abli sh m ent o f

th e mill enni um I t hink you ar e th e madd es t of all t h e

.

c ran k s ; but you are much th e m o s t int eres tin g I am .

con s ciou s of a v ery cu riou s mixtu re of r eli ef and di s ap

p oint m e nt in findin g th at y o u r
p lan i s all m o on s h in e and ,

t h at you h av e noth in g p r actical to o ff er u s B ut wh at .

a p ity ! It i s s uc h a fa s cinatin g id ea ! I th in k you ar e

too ha rd on u s p ractical men ; but th ere are men in ev er y
G ov ernm ent ev en on th e Front B ench wh o d eserv e all
, ,

you s ay A nd now befo re d r opp in g t h e s ubj ect may I

.
, ,

p u t j u s t o n e qu es tion to you ? A n idl e qu es tion s inc e ,

nothi n g can come of it ; but s ti l l

FRANKLY N A sk vou r qu es tion
. .

LUB I N W h y do you fix t h ree h undred y ea rs as th e

.

exact fi g u re ?

FRANKLY N B ecau s e we mu s t fix s om e fi g u re L es s
. .

would n o t b e enou g h ; and mo re would b e mo re th an we

dare as yet fac e .
98 Go s p el of th e B rot h er s B arn ab as P art II
i ? A t th e en d of half th e ti me we sh all hardly not ic e
r es

wheth er it i s a woman o r a man we are spe a k in g to .

L UB I N [ no t qui te rel i s hi ng th i s as c e ti c p ro sp ec t ] Hm !
[ H e r i s es ] A h w
. e ll : you mu
,
s t com e and t ell my wife

an d my youn g p eo p l e all about it ; and you wi l l b r in g

you r dau g h t er wit h you of cou rs e [ H e s h ak es hand s , .

wi th S av v y ] G ood by e [ H e s hak es hand s wi th

.
-
.

Fran k l yn ] G ood b y e D octo r [H e s h ak es h an d s wi th

.
-

, .

C on rad ] C om e on B u rg e ; you mu s t really t ell m e

.

wh at lin e you are g oin g to tak e about th e Ch u rch at th e

el ection ?

B URGE H av n t you h ea rd ? H av n t you ta k en in t h e

.

r ev elation t h at h as b een vouc h s af e d to u s ? T h e lin e I

am g oin g to tak e i s B ac k to M et hu s elah .

LUB I N [ dec i s i v el y ] D ont b e ridiculou s B u rg e You , .

dont s up p o s e do you t h at o u r f ri end s h ere are in

, ,

e a rn es t o r t h at o u r v ery l ea s ant c onv ers ation h as h ad

, p
anyth in g to do with p ractical p olitic s ! T h ey h av e j u s t
b een p ullin g o ur l eg s v ery wittily C om e alon g [ H e . .

go es o u t, F rank l yn p o l i tel y g o i n g wi th hi m, bu t s h ak

i ng h i s h ead i n mu te p ro tes t ] .

B URGE [ sh ak i ng C on rad s h and ] I t s beyond th e old ’ ’

man D octo r N o s p i ritual s id e to h i m : only a s o r t of

, .

cla ssical s id e th at g o es down with h i s own s et B es id es .

,

he s don e g on e p a s t bu rnt out bu rs t u p ; t h ink s h e i s

’
, , , ,

o u r l ead er and i s only o u r r a and bottl e d e a r tm ent

g p .

B ut you may d ep end on m e I will wo rk th i s s tunt of .

you rs in I s ee i ts valu e [ H e beg i n s mo v i ng to ward s

. .

t he d o o r wi th C o n rad ] O f cou r s e I cant p u t it exactly

.

in you r way ; but you are quit e ri g h t about o u r n eedin g

s om et h in g f resh ; and I b eli ev e an el ection can be fou h t
g
on th e d eath ra t e and on A dam and E v e as s ci entific
fact s It will tak e th e Op po s ition ri gh t out of i t s d ep th
. .

A nd if we win t h ere will be an O M f o r s om ebody wh en . .

t n e fi rs t h ono rs li s t com es r ound [ y

B t h i s t i me h e h as .
 P art I I Go s p el of th e B rot h er s B arn aba s 99

tal k ed h i ms el f ou t o
f th e ro o m and o u t o f ears ho t , C on
rad ac c om an yi n g h i m]
p
S av v y an d H as l am l ef t , al on e, s e i z e e ac h o th er in an
ec s tas
y o
f amusemen t, an d j az z t o the s et t ee, whe re the y
si t down ag ai n s id e by si d e .

H ASLAM [ c ares s i ng h er] D a rlin g ! What a p ric el es s

h umbu g old L ubin i s !
SAVV Y O h sw eet old t h in g ! I love h i m B u rg e i s a
.
, .

flamin g fr aud if you lik e .

H ASLAM D id you notic e o n e t h in g ? It s t ruck m e as

.

r ath er cu riou s .

SAVVY What ? .

H ASLA M L ubin and you r fath er h av e bot h su rvived

.

th e war B ut th ei r s on s w ere k ill ed in it

. .

SAV V Y [ s o ber ed ] Y es Jim s dea th k ill ed moth er .

’
.

H ASLA M A nd t h ey n ev er s aid a wo rd about it !

.

SAVV Y Well why s h ould t h ey ? T h e s ubj ect didn t

.
,

com e up I fo rg ot about it too ; and I was v ery fond

.

of Jim .

H A S LA M I didnt fo rg e t it becau s e I m o f milita ry

.
,
’

ag e ; and if I h adnt b een a p a r s on I d h av e h ad to g o

’

out and b e k ill ed too T o m e th e awful t h in g about th ei r

.

o litical incom e t enc e w as t h at t h ey ha d to ki l l th ei r

p p
own s on s It was th e war ca s ualty li s t s and th e st arv a
.

tion aft erwa rds th at fini sh ed m e up wit h p olitic s and the

C hu rc h and ev eryth in g el s e exc ep t you .

SA VVY O h I was j u s t as bad as any of t h em I s old

.
, .

fla g s l n t h e st reet s in my bes t cloth es ; and— b sh ! [ S he

j um
p s u
p an d p re ten d s to b e l o o k in g f or a bo o k on the
s h el v es b ehi n d the s e t tee ] .

Fran kl yn C on rad re turn l o o k i ng weary and g l am

an d , .

C ONRAD Well t h at s h ow th e g o sp el of t h e b r oth ers

.
,

B a rnaba s i s g oin g to b e r eceiv ed ! [ He d rop s i n to

urg e s c h ai r ]
’
B .
1 00 Go s p el of th e B rot h er s B arn abas P art II
FRANKLY N [ g o i ng b ack t o h i s s eat a t th e tabl e] I t s ’

no use W ere you convinc ed M r H a slam ?

.
,

H A SLAM A bout o ur b ein g abl e to liv e t hree h und red

.

y ea rs ? Frankly no , .

C ON R AD [ t o S av v y ] N or yo u I sup p o s e ? ,

SAVV Y O h I dont kno w I t h ou gh t I was f o r a

.
, .

mom ent I can beli ev e in a s o rt of way t h at p eo pl e

.
, ,

mi g h t liv e f o r t hree h und red y ea rs B ut wh en you cam e .

down to tin tack s and s aid t h at the parlo rmaid mi g h t

, ,

then I s aw h ow ab s u rd it was .

F R AN KLY N Ju s t s o W e h ad b ett er h old o u r ton g u es

. .

about it C on W e sh ould only b e lau g h ed at and

, .
,

lo s e th e littl e c redit we ea rn ed on fal s e p ret enc es in th e

day s of o ur i g no ranc e .

CONRAD I da res ay B ut C reativ e E volution do es nt

. .

s to
p w h il e
p e o p l e are lau h in
g g L a u g h in g m .ay e v e n
lub ricat e i ts j ob .

SAVV Y W h at do es th at m ean ?
.

CO NRAD It m ean s th at th e firs t m an to live t h ree

.

h und re d y ea r s maynt h av e t h e s li g h t es t notion th at h e i s

g oin g to do it and ,may b e t h e loud es t lau g h er of th e

lot.

SAV VY O r th e fi rs t woman ?
.

C ONRAD [ as s en ti n g ] O r th e fi r s t woman .

H ASLAM W ell it wont be o n e of u s anyh ow

.
, , .

FRANKLY N H o w do you k now ?

.

T hi s is u n ans werab l e . N one o f th em h av e an y th i n g

m o re to s ay .
 T HE T H I N G H A PPE N S

A s umm er af tern o o n i n the year 2 1 7 0 A D T he ofii

’
. .

h e P re s i d en t o h e B ri ti s h I s l and s A
c i al
p arl o r o
f t f t .

b o ard tab l e, l on g eno ug h f o r th ree c hai rs a t eac h s id e

bes id es the p res i d en ti al c h ai r at th e h ead and an or d in ary
c h ai r at t h e f o o t o c c up i es th e b read th o f th e ro o m
, On
.

th e t able, opp o s i te ev ery c hai r, a s mal l s wi tc h b o ard wi th

a di al . T h ere i s n o firep l ac e .T h e en d wal l i s a si l v ery
s c reen ne arl y as l arg e as a p ai r o f f o l d i n d o or s T h e
g .

d o o r i s on y o u r l ef t as y o u f ac e th e s c reen ; and there i s

a ro w o f t h ic k p eg s p ad d ed an d c ov ered wi th v el v et,
,

b es id e i t .

A s to u ti s h mi d d l e ag ed man , g o od l oo k i ng and b reez

- -

i l y g ener al , d res s ed in a si l k s mo c k , s to c k i n g s hand ,

s o me l
y o rn amen ted s and al s , an d a
g o l d fi ll e t r o u n d hi s

brows , c o me s i n H e i s l i k e Jo y c e B arg e, y e t al s o l i k e
.

L ub i n , as i f N ature h ad mad e a c omp o s i te p h o t o g r ap h

_

o f th e two men . He tak es o ff the fil l et and h an g s i t on

a p eg ; th en s i ts d o wn in th e p res i de n ti al c hai r at t he
h ead o f the t abl e, whi c h i s at t h e end f ar the s t f rom the
door . H e p u ts a peg i n to hi s s wi tc h b o ard ; tu rn s the
i n ter on th e d i al ; u ts an o th er i n ; an d res ses a
p o p p g
e
p
bu t ton . I mme d i atel y the s i l v ery s creen v an i s h es and ,

i n i ts p l ac e app ears , i n rev ers e f rom ri g h t to l ef t, an

o th e r o i ce s i mi l arl y fu rn i s h ed , wi th a t hi n , u n a/mi abl e
fi
m an s i mil arl y d res s ed , bu t i n d u l l er c o l o rs turn i n g ov er
,

s o me d o c u men ts at th e t abl e H i s g ol d fill et i s han g i ng

.

1 03
1 04 T he T h in g H ap p en s Pa t 111
r

up on a s i mi l ar
p b es id e t h e d o o r H
ege i s rath e r l i k e .

C o n r ad B arn ab as b u t y o un g er, an d muc h mo re c om m o n

,

p l ace .

BURGE LU R I N -
. Hallo , B a r naba s !
B AR N AR As [ wi t]
h W
o h
u at
t lnumb
o o k
e i
r? n
g ro u n d

BU R GE LUB I N Fiv e doubl e x t hree two g am es B u rg e

-
. .

L ubin .

B arn abas p u ts a p l ug i n n u mb er fiv e ; t ur ns h i s
o i n te r t o d o ub l e a ; u t s an o th er l u i n 32 ; r es s es a
p p g p
'

p
b u t to n an d l o o k s ro u n d at B arg e L u b i n , wh o i s n o w -

v i s i b l e to h i m as wel l as au d i b l e .

B A R N A R A S [ c u r tl y ] O h ! T h at you , P re s id ent ?
B URGE LUB I N Y es T h ey told m e you want ed m e
-
. .

t o rin g you up A nyth in g w ron g ?.

BARNABAS [ h arsh and querul o us ] I wi sh t o ma k e a

p rot es t .

B URGE LUB I N [g o o d hu mo red and moc k i n g ] W h at !

- -

A noth er p rot es t ! Wh at s w ron g now ?

BARNABAS If you only k n ew all th e p rot es t s I
.

h av ent mad e you would b e s u rp ri s ed at my p ati enc e

, .

It i s you wh o ar e alway s t reatin g m e with th e g ro s s es t

want of con s id eration .

B URGE LU R I N -
Wh at h av e I don e now ?
.

B ARNABAS You h av e p ut me down to g o to t h e

.

R eco rd O ffic e to d ay to rec eiv e t h at A m erican fellow and

-

do th e h ono rs of a ridiculou s cin ema s how T h at i s not .

th e bu s in es s of th e A ccountant G en eral : it i s th e bu s i
n es s of t h e P res id ent It i s an out ra g eou s wa s t e of my
.

tim e and an unj u s tifiabl e sh i rk in g of you r duty at my

,

ex p en s e I refu s e to g o You mu s t g o
. . .

B UR G R LU R I N -
M y d ear boy noth in g would g iv e me
.
,

re at er l e a s u r e t h an to ta k e t h e j ob o ff you r h and s
g p
R AR N AR As T h en do it
. T h at s all I want [ h e i s .

ab o u t t o s wi tc h o ff ] .
1 06 T he T hin g H app en s P art III
re ad it B ut I h av e read wh at T he T im es L it era ry S up
.

p l em ent s ay s about it .

BAR NABAS I dont ca re t wo s t raws wh at i t s ays about

.

i t D o es it s ay anyt h in g about me ?
.

B UR G E LU B I N
-
Y es . .

BARNABAS O h ! do es it ? Wh at ?
.

B UR G E LU BI N
-
It p oin ts out th at an ext ra o rdina ry
.

numb er of fi rs t r at e p ers on s li k e you and m e h ave di ed

-

by d rownin g du rin g t h e la s t two c entu ri es and t h at ,

wh en t h i s invention of brea th in g und er wat er tak es

effe ct you r es timat e of th e av er a g e du rati o n of h uman
,

life will b e up s et .

BA R NABAS [ al armed ] Up set my es timat e ! G raciou s

Heav en s ! D oe s th e fool realiz e wh at t hat m ean s ? D o
you realiz e wh at t h at m ean s ?
B UR G E LU BI N
-
I s upp o s e i t mean s that we sh all hav e
.

to am end th e A ct .

BA R NABAS A m end my A ct ! M on s t rou s !

.

B U RG E LU B I N
-
B ut we mu s t W e cant ask p eop l e t o
. .

g o on wo rk in
g until t h ey a r e fo r ty t h ree unl e s s o ur -

fi g u res are unch all en g abl e You k now wh at a row th ere .

was ov er th o s e la s t t h ree y ea rs and h ow n ea rly th e too ,

old at fo rty peo p l e won

- -

BARNABAS T h ey would h av e m ade t he B riti sh

.

I sland s ban k rup t if t h eyd won B ut you don t c a re f o r .

th at : you ca re f o r noth in g but b ein g p op ula r .

B U B GE LUB I N
-
O h w ell : I sh ouldnt wo rry if I w ere
. ,

you ; f o r mo s t p eo pl e com p lain th at t h ere i s not enou gh

wo rk f o r th em and would b e only t oo g lad to s tick on
,

i n s t e ad of reti rin g a t fo rty th ree i f o nly t h ey were -

as k ed as a favo r in st ead o f h avin g to .

BARNABA S T h ank you : I n eed no co n s ol ati on [ He

. .

r i s es de termi n edl y an d p u ts o n his

f il l e t ] .

B UR G E -
LU B I N . A re you o ff ? W h ere are you g oin g
to ?
P art I I I T he T h in g H app en s 1 07

B A R N A B AS t hat cin ema tomfoolery O f c ou rs e I

. T o , .

s hall u t t h i s America n im o s t er in h i s lac [ H

p p p e e g o es .

out ] .

B U RG E -
LU BI N [ c all i n g af ter h i m] G od bl ess y ou d ea r ,

old c h ap ! [ W i th a c h uc k l e, he s wi tc h es and th e
s c reen b ec om es b l an k H e p res s es a bu tton and h o l d s i t
.

d o wn wh i l e h e c all s ] H allo !
A WOMAN S V O I C E H allo !
’
.

B U RG E LU B I N [ f o rmall y ] T h e P re s id ent respectfully

-

s olicit s th e p rivil eg e of an int ervi ew wi th th e C h i e f

S ec re ta ry , and h old s h im s elf enti rely at h i s h o n o r s ’

au gus t di spo s al .

A C H I N E S E VO IC E He i s comin g . .

B UR G E LU BI N
-
O h ! T h at you C onfuciu s ?
.
, S O g ood
of you C om e alon g [ he rel eas es the bu t ton ]
. .

A m an i n a y el l o w g o wn,
p resen ti n
g t h e g en er al a
p
p earan c e o
f a C hi n ese s ag e, en ter s .

B UR G E LU BI N [ j oc ul arl y ] W ell illu s t riou s S a ge 8b

-

,
-

O nion s h o w are you r p oo r s o re feet ?

,

C ONFU C I US [ g rav el y ] I th ank you f o r you r k ind

e n ui ri es I am w ell
q . .

B U RG E LU B IN
-
T h at s ri gh t
. S i t down and ma k e .

y ou rs elf comfo rtabl e A ny bu s in es s f o r m e today ?

.

C ONFUC I U S [ s i tti ng d o wn on the firs t c hai r rou n d the

c o rner of th e table t o t h e P res id en t s ri g h t ] N on e
’
.

BU E GE L U E I N H av e you h ea rd th e res ult of th e b ye

-
.

el ection ?

C ONFUC I US A walk ov er O nly o n e candidat e

.
-
. .

E UE G E LU E I N
-
A ny g ood ?
.

C O NFU CIU S H e was rel ea sed from th e C ounty

.

L unatic A sylum a fo rtni g h t ag o N ot mad enou g h f o r .

th e l et h al ch amb er : not s an e e nou g h f o r any p lac e but

th e divi sion l obby A v ery p o p ula r sp eak er
. .

B UR G E LU BI N
-
I wi sh th e p eo pl e would tak e a s eriou s
.

int eres t in p olitic s .

1 08 T he T h in g H app en P a t III
r

C ONFU CI US . I do not a g ree T h e E n g li shm an i s not

.

fitt e d by natu re to und erstand p olitic s E v er s ince th e

.

ublic ervic es h av e b een mann ed by C h in es e th e count ry

p s ,

has been w ell and h on es tly g ov ern ed Wh at mo re i s

.

n eeded ?

B U B GE LUB I N
-
.W h at I cant mak e out i s th at Ch ina
i s o n e O f t h e wo rs t g ov ern ed count ri es on e a rth .

C ONFU CI US .NO . It was ba dl y g ov ern ed tw enty

y ea rs ag o ; but s inc e we fo rbade any C h in aman to tak e
p a r t in o u r
p ublic s ervic es and
, im p o rt ed nativ es o f

S cotland f o r t h at p u rp o s e we h av e don e w ell

, You r .

info rmation h ere i s alway s tw enty y ea rs out O f dat e .

BURGE LUB I N P eop l e dont s eem to b e abl e to g ov ern

-
.

th em s elv es I cant unders tand it W h y s h o ul d it b e s o ?

. .

C O NFUC I US .Ju s tic e i s imp a r tiality O nly s t ran gers

.

ar e im p a r tial .

B URGE LUB I N It ends in th e p ublic s ervic es b ein g s o

-

o od t h at th e G ov ernm e nt h as not h in to do but t h in k

'

g g .

C ONFU CI US .W ere it oth erwi se th e G overnm ent

,

would h av e too much to do to th ink .

BURGE LUB I N I s t h at any excu s e f o r t h e E n g l i sh

-
.

eo l e el ectin a a liam nt of lunatic ?

p p g p r e s

CONFU CI US T h e E n g li sh p e o pl e alway s did el ect

.

p a rliam ent s O f lun atic s . W h at do es it matt er if you r

erman ent Official s ar e h on es t an d com e t ent ?

p p
B URGE LUB I N You do not k now th e h i s to ry O f th i s
-
.

count ry Wh at would my anc es to rs h av e s aid to the

.

m ena g eri e O f d eg en e r at es th at i s s till call ed th e H ou s e

O f C ommon s ? C onfuciu s : you will not b eli ev e me ; and
I do not blam e you f o r it ; but E n g land onc e s av ed the
‘

lib erti es O f th e wo rld by inv entin g p a rliam enta ry g ov

e rn men t wh ic h was h er eculia and u m lo y
, p r s p r e e
g r .

C ONFUC I US .I k now th e h i s to ry of you r count ry p er

fec tl y w ell It p r ov es th e exact cont ra ry
. .

BURGE LUB I N Ho w do y o u mak e th at out ?

-
.
1 10 T he T h in g H ap p en s Pa t I I I
r

You could p lay g am es You could wo rk wh en you w ere

.

fo rc ed to B ut you could not g ov ern you rs elves

. .

BURGE LUB I N T h en h o w did we g et o ur rep utation

-
.

as th e p ion eers of lib er ty ?

C U N FU CI U S B y you r s t eadfa s t refu s al to b e g ov
.

ern ed at all A h o rs e t h at k ic k s ev eryon e wh o t ri es to

.

h a rn e s s and g uid e h i m may b e a p ion eer O f lib erty ; but

h e i s not a p ion eer O f g ov ernm en t In C h ina h e would
.

b e sh ot .

B URGE LUB I N S tu ff ! D O you imp ly t h at the ad

-
.

mini s t r ation O f wh ic h I am p res ident i s no G ov ernm ent ?

C ONFUC I US I do I am t h e G ov ernm ent
. . .

B URGE L U E I N
-
You ! You !
. You fat y ellow lump
o f conc eit !

C ONFUC I US O nly an E n g li sh man could b e s o

.

i gn o r ant O f th e natu re O f g ov er nm ent as to s u p p o s e t h at

a ca p abl e s tat es man cannot b e fat y ellow and con , ,

cei t ed
. M any E ng li sh men are s lim red no s ed and ,
-

mod est P ut th em in my p lac e and with in a y e a r you

.
,

will b e bac k in th e ana rch y and c h ao s O f t h e nin e t eenth

an d tw enti e t h c entu ri es .

BU E GE L U E I N O h if you g o b ack to t h e da rk a g es
-

.
, ,

I h av e noth in g mo re t o s ay B ut we di d not p eri sh

. .

W e ext ricat ed ou rs elv es fr om t h at c h ao s W e are now .

t h e be s t g ov ern ed count ry in t h e wo rld H o w did we .

mana g e t h at if we are s uch fool s as you p ret end ?

C ONFU C I US You did not do it until th e slau gh t er
.

and ruin p roduc e d by you r ana r ch y fo rc ed you at la s t

to r eco gn iz e two in exo rabl e fact s Fi rst th at g ov ern .
,

m ent i s ab s olut ely n ec es sa ry to civilization and t h at you ,

could not maintain civilization by m erely doin g down

you r n ei ghbo r as you call ed it and cuttin g O ff th e h ead
, ,

of you r k in g wh en ev er h e h a p pen ed t o b e a lo g ical S cot

and tri ed to tak e h i s p o s ition s eriou sly S econd t hat .
,

g ov ernm ent i s an art O f w h ich you are con g enitally i n

Part I I I T he Thi n g H ap p ens I I I

cap abl e A cco r din g ly yo u im p o r t ed educat ed n eg ress es

.
,

and Ch in es e to g ov ern you S inc e t h en you h av e don e .

v ery w ell .

B U R GE L UB I N S O h av e you you old h umbu g A ll

-
.
, .

th e s am e I dont k now h o w you s tand t h e wo rk you do

, .

You s eem to me p o sitiv ely to li k e p ublic bu s in es s W hy .

wont you l et me tak e you down t o t h e coa s t so m e w eek

en d and t each you ma rin e g olf ?

C O NFU C I US It do es not int ere s t me I am not a

. .

ba rba rian .

BURGE L UB I N You m ean th at I am ?

-
.

CONFUC I US T h at i s evid ent

. .

BU E GE LUB I N H o w ?
-
.

C ONFU CI US P eo pl e li k e you
. Th ey li k e c h eerful .

o o d natu red ba rba r ian s T h ey h av e el e ct e d you P re s i

g
-

d ent fi v e tim es i n s ucc es sion T h ey will el ec t you fiv e .

tim es mo re I li k e you You are b ett er comp any th a n

. .

a d o g o r a h o rse be cau s e you can sp eak .

B U RG E L UB I N A m I a ba rba rian becau s e y ou li k e

-
.

me ?
C ONFU C I U S . S u rely . N ob ody li k es me : I am h eld in
awe . C ap abl e p ers on s are n ever li k ed I am not li k e
.

abl e ; but I am indi spe n s abl e .

B U R GE LUB I N O h ch eer up O l d man ; th e res not h in g

-
.
, ,

s o di s a g reeabl e about you as all t h at I dont di sli k e .

you ; and if you th ink I m afraid of you you j olly w ell ’

,
—
do nt k now B u rg e L ubin : th at s all .

C ONFU CI US You are brav e : yes I t i s a fo rm O f

. .

s tu idi ty
p .

B U R GE L UB I N
-
Y o u may not be b r av e ; o n e do es nt
.

ex ect it f r om a C h ink B ut you h av e t h e d evil s o wn

’
p .

C ONFU CI US I h av e th e a s su re d c ert ainty O f th e man

.

wh o s ees and know s You r g enial blu s t er you r ch eery

.
,

s elf c o n fi d en c e are p l e a s ant li k e th e Op e n ai r

-

, B ut th ey ,
.
1 12 T he T h in g H ap p en s P a rt III
are blind : t h ey are vain I s eem to s ee a g reat d o g wag.
‘

h i s tail and ba rk j oyou s ly B ut if h e l eav es my h ee l h e

.

i s lo s t .

BU R GE LUB I N T hank you f o r a h and s om e compli

-
.

m ent I hav e a b i g d o g ; and h e i s t he bes t fellow I

.

know If you k n ew h o w muc h u g li er you are th an a

.

c h ow you wouldn t s ta rt t h o s e com p a ri s on s th ou gh

’
.
, ,

[ R i s i n g] W ell if you h av e not h in

, g f o r m e to do I am ,

g oin g to l eav e you r h eel f o r th e r es t O f t h e day and

e nj oy my s elf Wh at would you recomm end me to d o

.

wit h my s elf ?
C ONFU C I US G iv e you rself up to cont em plation ; and
.

reat t h ou g h t s will com e to you

g .

BU E GE LUB I N W ill th ey ? If you t h in k I am g oin g

-

to s i t h ere on a fi n e day li k e thi s with my l eg s c r o s s ed

waitin g f o r g reat t h ou g h t s you exa g g er at e my ta s t e ,

f o r t h em I p refer ma rin e g olf [ S topp i ng sh o r t ] O h

. .
,

by th e way I fo rg ot s om e th in g I hav e a wo rd o r two

, .

to say to th e M ini st er O f H ealth [ He g oes b ack to h i s .

c h ai r ] .

C ONFU C I US numb er i s . H er
B URGE LUB I N I k now it
-
. .

C ONFU C I US [ ri s i n g ] I cannot und erstand h er att ra e

tion f o r you Fo r me a woman who i s not y el low doe s
.

not exi s t s av e as an Official [ H e g oes o u t ]

, . .

B arg e L u bi n O p er ates th e s wi tc h bo ard as bef o re

-
. .

T he s c reen v an i s hes ; an d a d ai n ty ro o m wi th a b ed , a
ward ro be and a d res s i n g tabl e wi th a mi rro r an d a
,
-

s wi tc h on i t, ap p ears S eated at i t a h and s o me n eg r es s

.

i s tryi n g on a b r i ll i an t h ead s c arf H er d ress i n g g o wn .

-

i s th ro wn bac k f ro m h er s h o u ld ers to h er c ha i r S he i s .

i n c ors et, k n i c k ers an d s i l k s to c k i n g s, .

B UR G E LU B I N [ h o~
rr i fi e d ] I b e
g you r
p a rdon a t h ou
s and tim es [ T h e s t a r tl ed n e
g r e s s s n at c he s t h e
p g
e o u t
er s wi tc h bo ard an d v an i s h es ]
o
f h .
114 T he T h in g H app en s P art III
h a rd nou gh to k eep my blood wa rm h ere B es ides my
e .
,

fri end it would not b e s afe T h es e di s tant fli r tatio us

, .

are v ery ch a rmin g ; and t h ey t eac h self cont r ol -

.

B URGE LUB I N -
D amn self cont rol ! I want t o h old
.
-

—
you in my a rm s to [ th e neg res s s n atch es o u t th e p eg
m th e s wi tc hb o ard S i s s ti ll h eard
and v an i s h es .
fro h e

l aug h i ng ] B lack d evil ! [ He sn atc h es o u t hi s p eg

.

f u ri o u s l ; h e r l au h i s n o l on g er h eard ]
y g O h , t h es e s ex.

e i s od es !
p W h y c an I not r es i s t t h em ? D i s rac e ful !
g
Co nf uc i us re tu rn s
C ONFU CI US I fo rg ot There i s so m eth in g f o r you
. .

to do t h i s mo rnin g You h av e to g o to th e R eco rd Offic e

.

to rec eiv e th e A m erican ba rb a rian .

B URGE LUB I N -
C onfuciu s : onc e f o r all , I Obj e ct t o
.

t hi s C h in es e h abit O f de s c ribin g wh it e m en as ba rba rian s .

C ONFU C I US [ s tan di ng f o rmal l y at th e end o f th e t abl e

wi th hi s h and s p al m to p al m ] I m a k e a m ental not e
t h at you do not wi sh th e A m erican s to be d es c ribed as
ba rba rian s .

BURGE LUB I N N ot at all T he Am erican s are b ar

-

. .

b ari an s B ut we are not I s up p o s e th e p articula r

. .

ba rba rian you are s p e a k in g O f i s th e A m erican wh o h as

inv ent ed a m ean s O f b reath in g und er wat er .

C ONFU C I US H e s ay s h e h as inv ent ed s uch a m eth od

. .

Fo r so m e r e a s on wh ic h i s not int elli g ibl e in C h ina ,

E n g li sh m en alway s b eli ev e any s tat em ent mad e by an

A m erican inv ento r esp ecially on e wh o has n ev er inv ent ed
,

anyth in g T h erefo re you beli ev e thi s p ers on and h av e

.

iv en h i m a ublic re c ep tion T oday t h e R eco r d Offi c e

g p .

i s ent e rtainin g h i m wit h a di s p lay of th e c i n emat o

r a ph ic re co r d s of all th e emin ent E n g li sh m en wh o h av e
g
lo s t t h ei r liv es by dro wnin g s inc e the cin ema was i n
v ent ed W h y not g o to see it if you are at a lo s s f or
.

s om et h in g to do ?

BURGE LUB I N What ea rt hly int eres t i s th ere in loo k

-
.
P art III T he T h in g H app en s 115

i ng at a movin g p ictu re of a lot O f p eo pl e m erely b e

cau s e t h ey were d ro wn ed ? If t hey h ad h ad any s en s e ,

th ey would not h av e b een d rown ed p robably , .

CO NFU CI U S T hat i s not s o It h as n ev er b een

. .

notic ed befo re ; but th e R eco rd Offic e h as j u s t mad e two

rema rk abl e di s cov eri es about t he p ublic m en and wom en

wh o h av e di sp lay ed ext rao rdina ry ability durin g th e

p a s t c entury O n e i s th at t h ey r e tain e d unu s ual yout h
.

fuln es s up to an advanced ag e T h e oth er i s th at th ey .

all m et t h ei r d eath by d rownin g .

B U R GE LUB I N Y es : I kn ow C an you exp lain it ?

-
. .

C ONFU CI US It cannot be ex plain ed

. It i s not .

re a s onabl e T h erefo re I do not be li ev e it

T he A cc ou n tan t G
. .

en er al ru s h es i n l o o ki ng g h as tl y , .

He s tag g ers to th e m i d d l e o
f t he t ab l e .

BURGE LUB IN -
. Wh at s th e matt er ? A re you ill ?
B AE N AE AS [ch ok i n g ] N o . I [ he c o l lap s es i n t o t he

mid dl e c h ai r ] . I mu s t
p s e ak to you in p r ivate .

Co n f u c i u s c al ml
y wi thd rawns .

BU R GE LUB IN Wh at on ea rth i s it ? H ave s om e

-
.

oxy g en
B AR NABAS I h ave h ad s om e G
.

. O to th e R eco rd .

Offic e You will s ee m en faintin g t h ere a g ain and a g a i n

.
,

and bein g reviv ed with oxy g en as I h av e been T hey , .

h av e s een with t h ei r o wn ey es as I h av e .

BU R GE LUB I N S een wh at ?
-
.

B AE N AE AS S een th e A rc hbi s h op of Y o rk
. .

B URGE LUB I N W ell why sh ouldnt th ey s ee th e

-
.
,

A rch bi sh o p O f Yo rk ? Wh at are t hey faintin g f or ?

H as h e b een mu rdered ?
BAR NABAS N o : h e h as b een d rown ed
. .

BU R GE LUB I N G o od G od ! W h ere ? Wh en ? H o w ?
-
.

Po o r fellow !
E AE N AB AS P oo r fellow ! P oo rt hi ef ! P oo r s wi n d
.
116 T he T h in g H ap p en s P art III
l er ! P oo robb er O f h i s count ry s E xch equ er ! P oo r
r
’

f ellow ind eed ! W ait til I catch h i m .

BURGE LUB I N H ow can you catch h im wh en h e i s

-
.

d ead ? You re mad .

BARNABA S D ead ! W ho s aid h e was d e ad ?

.

BU B GE LUB I N You did D rown ed

-

. . .

BAR NABAS [ exas perated ] W ill you li s t en to m e ? W as

O l d A rch bi s h o H a s lam h res ent man s la s t p red e
’
p t e
p ,

c es s o r but fou r d rown ed o r not ? ,

BU R GE LUB I N I dont k no w Lo o k hi m up in th e
-

. .

E ncyclop edia B ritannica .

B ARNABAS Y ah ! W as A r ch bi sh o p S tick it wh o
.
,

w rot e S tic k it on th e P s alm s d rown ed o r not ? ,

B U E GE LUB I N
-
Y e s m ercifully . H e d es erv ed it
, . .

BARNABAS W as P resid ent D ick en so n d rown ed ? W as

.

Gen eral B ul lyboy d rown ed ?

B URGE LUB I N W h o i s d enyin g it ?
-
.

BA R NABAS W ell w ev e h ad movin g p ictu res o f all

.
,

fou r p ut on th e s c reen today f o r th i s A m erican ; and

t h ey and th e A rc hbi sh o p are th e s am e man N ow t ell .

m e I am mad .

BURGE LUB I N I do t ell you you are mad S ta rk

-
.
’

r avin g mad .

BARNABAS A m I to b eli ev e my own ey es o r am I not ?

.

E UE G E LU E I N-
You can do as y o u pl ea s e A ll I can
. .

t ell you i s th at I dont b eli ev e you r ey es if th ey cant s ee

any di ff erenc e b etw een a liv e a r ch bi sh o p and two d ead
on es [ T h e ap p aratus ri ng s h e h o l ds the b u t ton do wn ]
.
, .

Y es ?
TH E WOMAN S V O IC E T h e A r ch bi sh o p of Yo rk to
’
.
,

s ee th e P res id ent .

BA R NABAS [ h o ars e wi th rag e] H av e h i m in I ll talk .

’

to th ecoundrel
s .

BU R GE LUB I N [ rel eas i ng

-

the bu t ton ] N ot wh il e you

are in t h i s s tat e .
118 T he T hi n g H a pp en s P a t IIIr

t hi ef s u rvives A nd a v ery d esp icabl e and di sh ono r abl e

.

t h in g h e i s
,

THE ARCHB I SHO P [ c o o ll y ] I da res ay .

BARNABAS In my d ep a rtm ent s i r a th i ef i s a p er

.
, ,

s o n wh o liv es lon g er th an th e s tatuto ry e x p e ctatio n of

life entitl es hi m to and g o es on dr awin g p ublic mon ey

, ,

wh en if h e w ere an h on es t man h e would b e d e ad

, , .

THE ARCHB I SHOP T h en l et m e s ay s i r th at you r

.
, ,

d ep a r tm ent do es not und ers tand i t s own bu sin es s If you .

h av e mi s calcul at e d th e du ration O f h uman life t h at i s ,

not t h e fault O f th e p ers on s wh o s e lon g evity you h ave

mi s calculat ed A nd if th ey continu e to wo rk and p ro
.

duc e t h ey p ay th ei r way ev en if th ey liv e two o r th ree

, ,

c entu ri es
.

BARNABAS I know nothin g about t h ei r wo rk in g and

.

p roducin g . T h at i s not t h e bu s in es s of my d e a r tm ent

p .

I am conc ern e d with th ei r exp e ctation O f life ; and I s ay

t h at no man h as any ri g h t to g o on livin g and d rawin g
mon ey wh en h e ou g h t to b e d ead .

THE ARCHB I SHOP You do not com p reh end th e r ela

.

tion b etw een incom e and p roduction .

BARNABAS I und ers tand my o wn d ep a r tm ent

. .

THE ARCHB I SHOP T h at i s not enou g h You r d e

. .

p a r t men t i s
p a r t O f a s ynth es i s wh ich e mb rac es all th e

d ep a rtm ent s .

BU R GE LUB I N S ynth es i s ! T h i s i s an int ell ectual

-
.

di fficulty T h i s i s a j ob f o r C onfuciu s I h ea rd h i m
. .

us e t h at v ery wo rd th e ot h e r day ; and I wond e re d wh at

t h e d evil h e m e ant .
[ S wi tc hi n g on ] H allo ! P ut m e
th rou g h to th e C h i e f S e c reta ry .

C O NFUC I US S V O I CE
’
You are s p eak in g t o h i m
. .

E UE GE LU E I N
-
A n int ell ectual d i fficulty O l d man
.
, .

S om eth in g w e dont und ers tand C om e and h el p u s out

. .

THE ARC HB I SHOP M ay I ask h o w th e qu es tion h as

.

ari s en ?
P art III T he T h in g H ap p en s 119

B AE N AE AS. You beg in to s m ell a rat do you ?

Ah ! ,

You t h ou g h t yours elf p retty s afe You .

BU R GE LUB IN S t eady B a rn aba s D ont b e in a

-
.
, .

h u rr y .

Con f uc i us en ters .

T HE A R CHB IS H O P [ ri si ng ] G ood m o rnin g M r Ch i ef ,

S e c reta ry .

BU B GE L U E I N [ ri s i n g i n ins ti nc ti v e i mi tati on o f the

-

A rc h b i s h op ] H ono r u s by ta k in g a s eat 0 s a g e , .

C ONFUC I US C eremony i s n ee dl es s [ H e b o ws to the

. .

c o mp an y an d tak es t h e c h ai r a t t h e f o o t o f t h e tab l e] .

T he P res i d en t an d th e A rc h bi s h o p r es ume th ei r
s eats .

BU R GE LUB I N W e wi sh to p ut a ca se to you C on
-
.
,

f uc i u s . S u p p o s e a m an in s t ead O f confo rmin g to t h e

,

Official es timat e O f h i s exp ectation O f life w ere to live ,

f o r mo r e t h an two c e ntu ri es and a h alf would th e ,

A ccountant G en eral b e j u s tifi ed in callin g h i m a th i ef ?

C ONFU C I US N O He would be j u s tifi ed in callin g
. .

h i m a lia r .

THE A R CHB I S H O P I t h ink not M r Ch i ef S ec reta ry

. , .

Wh at do you s up p o se my ag e i s ?
C ONFU C I US Fifty . .

B U R GE LUB I N You do n t look i t Fo rty fiv e ; and

-

. .
-

youn g f o r you r ag e .

T HE A R C HB I SH O P M y ag e i s two h und red and

.

ei h ty t h ree
g
-
.

B A R NABAS [ mo ro s el y tri ump han t] H mp ! M ad am I ? ,

B naG You re both mad E xcu se me A rc h '

E LU E I N -

. .
,
—
bi sh o p ; but th i s i s g ettin g a bit w ell
T H E A R CHB I SHO P [ t o C on f uci us ] M r Ch i ef S e c reta ry
will you to obli g e m e a s s um e th at I h av e liv ed n ea rly
, ,

th ree c entu ri es ? A s a h y p oth es i s .

BURGE LUB I N W hat i s a h ypo thes i s ?

-
.

C ONFU C I US It do es not matter I und ers tand [ T o

. . .
1 20 T he T h in g H ap p en s P art III
th e Arc h bi sho p ] A m I to a ssum e t hat you h av e l iv ed in
you r anc es to rs o r by m et emp sych o s i s ,

- — —
B URGE LUB I N M et E mp S y G ood L o rd ! W h at .

a brain C onfuciu s ! Wh at a b rain !

,

THE ARCHB I SHO P N oth in g O f th at k ind A s s um e in

. .

t h e o rdina r y s en s e t h at I was b o rn in th e y e a r 1 8 8 7 an d ,

t h at I h av e wo rk ed continuou s ly in o n e p rof es s ion o r

anot h er s inc e th e y ea r 1 9 1 0 A m I a th i ef ? .

C ONFU CI US I do not k now W as th at o n e of you r

. .

rofes s ion s ?
p
TH E AR C HB I SHO P NO I h ave b een noth in g wo rse
. .

th an an A rchbi sh o p a P res id ent and a G en eral , , .

BARNABAS H as h e o r h as h e not r obb e d th e E x

.

ch equ er by d r awin g fi v e o r s i x incom es wh en h e was only

e ntitl e d to o n e ? A n s w er me t h at .

CO NFU CI US C ert ainly not T he h yp oth es i s i s th at

. .

h e h as wo rk e d continuou sly s inc e 1 91 0 W e are now in .

t h e y ea r 2 1 7 0 W h at i s th e official lifetim e ?
.

B ARNABA S S ev enty ei g h t. O f cou rs e i t s an av e-

.
’

ra g e ; and we dont mind a man h ere and th ere g oin g on

to nin ety o r ev en as a cu rio sity b ecomin g a c ent e

, , ,

na rian B ut I s ay th at a man wh o g o es b eyond th at i s

.

a s windl er .

C ONFUC I US S ev enty ei g h t into t wo h und red and

.
-

e i h ty th r ee g o es m o re t h an t h ree and a h alf tim es

g
-
.

You r d ep a rtm ent ow es th e A rchbi sh op two and a h alf

e ducation s and t h ree and a h alf reti rin e n s ion s
g p
BARNABAS S tu ff ! H o w can t hat b e ?
.

C ONFU CI U S At wh at ag e do you r peo pl e b eg in to

.

wo rk f o r th e community ?
BU B GE LUB I N T h ree T hey do c ertain th in g s ev ery
-
. .

day wh en t h ey are th ree Ju s t to b reak th em in you .

,

k now B ut th ey b ecom e self s u p p o r tin g o r n ea rly s o at

.
-

, ,

th i rt een .

C ONFUC I US A nd at wh at ag e do th ey reti re ?
.
1 22 T he T h in g H app en s P art III
a rg uin g ? T he C hink s ay s y o u are w ron g ; and t h eres
an en d O f it .

BARNABAS I s ay nothi n g a g ain s t th e C h i n k s a rg u

.
’

m ent s B ut wh at abo ut my fact s ?

.

C ONFU CI US If you r fact s includ e a ca s e O f a man

.

livin g 283 y e a rs I advi s e you to ta k e a f ew w eek s at th e

,

s ea s id e .

B ARNAB A S L et t here b e an en d O f th i s h intin g t h a t

.

I am o ut of my mind C ome an d look at th e cin ema .

reco rd I t ell you th i s man i s Ar chbi sh op H a slam

.
,

A r chbi shi p S tic k it P res id ent D ic k en s on G en eral B ully

, ,

boy and h im s elf into th e ba rg ain : all fi v e O f th em .

T H E A R CHB I SHO P I d o not d eny it I n ever have

. .

d eni ed it N obody h as ev er a sk ed me
. .

-
.
—
BU R GE LUB I N B ut dam n it man I beg you r p ar ,

d o n A rch bi sh o p ; but re ally really

, ,

TH E A R CHB I S H O P D ont m ention it W h at w ere you

. .

g oin g to sa ?
y
BU R GE LU BI N W ell you w ere drown ed fou r times
-
.
,

ov er You are not a cat you kno w

.
, .

T H E A RCH B IS HOP T h at i s v ery ea s y to u n d erst and

. .

C on si d er my s ituation w h e n I fi rs t mad e th e amazin g

di s cov ery t h at I was d estin ed t o liv e th ree h und red
y ea rs ! I
C ONFU C I US [ i nterru p ti ng hi m] P ardo n me S uch a .

di s covery was imp o s s ibl e You h av e not mad e it y et . .

You may liv e a million y ear s if you h av e al ready liv ed

two h undred T h ere i s no qu es tion of th re e h und red
.

ea rs You h av e mad e a s li at t h e v ery b e innin

g of
y .
p g
ou r fai ry tal e M r A r ch bi s h op
y , .

B U R GE LUB I N -
G ood C onfuciu s ! [ T o the A rc h
.
,

bi s h O p ] H e h as y ou th ere I dont see h o w you can g et .

o v er t h at .

THE A R CH B I S H O P Y es : i t i s qui te a g oo d p oint B ut

. .

if the A cc ountant Gen eral wil l g o to the B riti sh

P art III T he T h in g H ap pen s 1 23

M u s eum libra ry and s ea r ch th e catalog u e h e will find

, ,

under h i s own nam e a curiou s and now fo rg ott en book ,

dat e d 1 92 4 entitl ed T h e G o spe l of th e B r o th ers B ar

,

n abas . T h at g o s p el was th at m en mu s t liv e tlhree h un

d red years if civilization i s to b e sav ed It sh ew ed th at .

t h i s ext en sion of individual h uman life was p o s s ibl e and ,

h o w i t was li k ely to com e about I ma rri ed th e d au g h

.

ter of o n e of th e b r oth ers .

BARNABAS D o you m e an t o s ay you claim to b e a

.

conn ecti on of min e ?

TH E A R C HB I SHO P I claim not h in g
. A s I h av e by .

t h i s tim e p erh ap s th ree o r fou r million cou s in s of o n e

d eg ree o r anoth er I hav e c ea s ed to call on th e family
, .

B U R GE LUB I N G r aciou s h eav en s ! F our mill ion rela

-
.

t i v es ! I s t h a t calculation co rr ect C onfuciu s ? ,

C O N FU C I US In C hina it mi g h t b e fo rty million s if

.

th ere w ere no c h ec k s on p op ulation .

B U RG E LU B I N
-
T h i s i s a s ta g g erer
. It b rin g s ho m e
.

t o o uc but [ rec ov eri n g ] it i s n t t ru e y o u know L et

h -
’
, .

u s k eep s an e .

C O N F U C I U S [ to th e A rc h bi s h O p ] You wi sh u s t o und er
s tand t ha t th e illu s t riou s anc es to rs o f th e A ccountant

G en eral comm unicat e d to you a s ec ret by wh i ch you

could attain t he ag e of th ree h und red y e a rs .

T HE A R CHB I SHO P N o N oth in g of the kind T h ey

. . .

s im ly beli ev ed t h at m an k ind could liv e any l en t h of

p g
tim e i t kn ew to be ab s olut ely n ec es s a ry to s av e civiliz a
t io n f ro m extinction I d i d not sh a re t h i r b eli ef : at
. e

l eas t I was not con s ciou s of sh a rin g it : I t h ou gh t I was

o nly amu s ed b y it T o me my fath er i n law and h i s - -

broth er w ere a p ai r of cl ev er c rank s wh o h ad tal k ed o ne ‘

anot h er into a fix ed id e a wh ich h ad b e com e a monom ania

wi th t h em It was not until I g ot in to seriou s difficulti es
.

with th e p en s ion auth o riti es aft er tu rnin g s ev enty th at

I be g a n t o s u sp ect t h e truth .
1 24 T he T hin g H ap p en s P art III
CONFU C I US T h e t rut h ?
.

THE ARCHB I SHO P Y es M r C hi ef S e c re ta ry : th e

.
,

t ru th L i k e all revolutiona ry t rut h s i t b eg an as a j ok e

.
, .

A s I s h ew ed no s i g n s of a g ein g aft er fo r ty fiv e m y wif e -

u sed to ma k e fun of me by s ayin g t h at I was c er tainly

g oin g to liv e t h r e e h und re d y e a rs S h e was s ixty ei h t
g .
-

wh en sh e di ed ; and t h e la s t th in g sh e s aid to m e as I ,

s at by h e r b e ds id e h oldin g h er h and was “ B ill : you ,

really dont loo k fifty I wond er S h e b ro k e o ff and

.
,

f ell a sl eep wond erin g and n ever awok e T h en I b eg an

, .

to wond er too T h at i s th e e xplanation o f th e t hree

.

h und red y ea rs M r S ec re ta ry
, .

C ONFU CI US It i s v ery in g eniou s M r A r ch bi sh o p

.
, .

A nd v e ry w ell told .

BURGE LUB I N O f cou rs e you und ers tand th at I dont

-

f o r a mom ent s u g g es t th e v ery faint es t doubt of y o u r

ab s o l ut e v er ac i ty A rch bi sh op You k now that d ont
, .
,

you ?
THE ARCHB I SHOP Quit e M r P res id ent O nly you
.
, .

dont beli ev e m e : th at i s all I do not ex p ect you to In . .

you r p lac e I sh oul d not b eli ev e You h ad b e tt er h av e a

l oo k at th e fil ms [ P o i n ti ng to th e A c coun tan t G
.

. en eral ]

H e b eli ev es .

BURGE LUB I N B ut th e d rownin g ? Wh at about th e

-

d r ownin g ? A man mi gh t g et d r own ed onc e o r ev en ,

twic e if h e was exc ep tionally ca rel es s B ut h e couldn t .

’

b e d rown ed fou r tim es H e would ru n away fro m wat er

.

li k e a mad do g .

THE A R CHB I SHOP P erh a p s M r C h i e f S ec retary can

.

g u es s th e ex planation of th at .

CONFUC I US T o k eep you r s ec ret you h ad to di e

.
, .

BURGE LUB I N B ut da s h it all man h e i snt d ead

-
.
, , .

C ONFUC I US It i s s ocially im p o s s ibl e not to do wh at

.

ev erybody el s e do es O n e mu s t d i e at th e u sual tim e

. .

BARNABAS O f cou rs e A s im pl e p oint of h ono r

. . .
1 26 T he T h in g H app en s P art III
eas y I l eft a s uit of cloth es by t h e s ea sh o re du rin g t h e
.

b at h in g s ea s on with d ocum ent s i n th e p ock et s t o

,

id entify me I th en tu rn e d up in a s t r an g e p lac e p re
.
,

t endin g th a t I h ad lo s t my m emo ry and did not kn o w ,

my n am e o r my ag e o r anyth in g about my s elf Und er .

t reatm ent I re cov ered my h ealth but not m y m emo ry , .

I h av e h ad s ev er al ca reers s inc e I b eg an th i s routin e of

life and d e ath I h av e b een an a rc hbi sh o p t hree tim es
. .

Wh en I p er s uaded th e auth o riti es t o k nock d own all o ur

town s and rebuild th em fr om th e foundation s o r mov e ,

th em I w ent into th e a rtill ery and b ecam e a g en eral I

, , .

h av e b een P r esi d ent .

BURGE LUB I N D ick en s on ?

-
.

T HE AR C HB I SHO P Y es . .

B URGE LUB I N -
B ut th ey found D ick en s on s body : i ts
.
’

a sh es are bu ri ed in S t P a ul s .
’
.

THE AR C HB I SHOP T h ey alm os t alway s found t h e

.

body D u rin g t h e bat h in g s ea s on th ere are p l enty of

.

bodi es I h av e been c remat e d a g ain and a g ain A t fi rs t

. .

I u s ed to att end my own fun eral in di sg ui s e b e cau se I ,

h ad read about a man doin g t h at in an old romanc e by

an auth o r n am ed B enn ett from wh o m I rem emb er b or
,

r owin g fi v e p ound s in 1 9 1 2 B ut I g o t ti red of th at I

. .

would not c ro ss the st reet now to read my lat es t ep ita ph .

T h e C h i ef S ec re t ary an d t h e P res i d en t l o o k v ery

l am T h ei r i n c red u l i ty i s v an qu i s h ed a t l as t
g . .

BURGE LUB I N Look h ere D o you ch ap s reali z e h ow

-
. .

awful t h i s i s ? H ere we are s ittin g calmly in th e p res enc e

of a man wh o s e d e ath i s ov erdu e by two c entu ri es He .

may c rumbl e into du s t b efo re o ur ey es at any m o m ent .

B A R NABA S N o t h e He ll g o on dr awin g hi s p en
. .
’

s ion until th e en d of th e wo rld .

THE A R CHB I SHOP N ot quit e th at M y exp ectation

. .

of life i s only th ree hundred y ea rs .

P art I I I T he T hin g H ap p en s 1 27

BARNABAS You will la s t out my tim e anyh ow : th ats

.

en o u g h f o r m e .

T HE A R CHB I SHO P [ c o o l l y ] H o w d o you k now ?

B ARNABAS [ tak en ab ac k ] H o w do I k now !
T HE ARCHB I SHOP Y e s : h o w do you k now ? I di d not
.

beg i n ev en to s u s p e ct until I w as n ea rly s ev enty I was .

o nly vain of my yout h ful a ea r anc e I w as no t quit e

pp .

s eriou s about it until I was nin ety E v e n now I am not

.

s u re from o n e mom ent to anot h er t h ou h I h av e iv en

g , g
you my rea s on f o r t h ink in g th at I h av e quit e u n i n ten
ti o n al l y co mmitt ed my s elf to a lifetim e of t hree h und r e d
y ea rs .

B URGE LUB I N B ut h o w do you do it ? I s it l emon s ?

-
.

I s it S oya be an s ? I s i t
THE ARCHB I SHO P I do not do it It h a ppe n s It
. . .

may h appe n to anyon e I t m ay h a p p e n to you . .

BURGE LUB I N [ the f ull s i g n i fi c anc e o f thi s f or h i ms el f

-

d awn i n g on h i m] T h en we t h ree may b e in th e s am e boat

wit h you f o r all we know ?
,

THE ARCHB I SHO P You may T here fo re I advi se you

. .

to b e v e ry ca reful h o w you ta k e any s t ep th at will mak e

my p o s ition uncomfo rtabl e .

BURGE LUB I N W ell I m da sh ed ! O n e o f my s ec re

-
.
,
’

ta ri es was rema rk in g only th i s mo rnin g h o w w ell and

youn g I am l o ok in g B a rnaba s : I h av e an ab s olut e con
.

v i c ti o n th at I am o n e o f th e— th e— s h all I s ay o n e of

t h e v i c ti m S P— o f t h i s s t r an g e d es tiny .

THE ARCHB I SHOP You r g reat g reat g reat g reat

.
- - -

reat r e at g r andfat h e r fo rm ed th am con v i ction

g g e s e
- -

wh en h e was b etw een s ixty and sev enty I k n ew h i m . .

BU B GE LUB I N [ d ep res s ed ] A h ! B ut h e di ed
-
.

THE ARCHB I SHOP N o . .

BURGE LUB I N [ h ap ef ui l f ] D o you m ean to s ay h e i s

-
y

s till aliv e ?

T HE AR C HB I SHOP N o He was sh ot Und er t he i n

. . .
1 28 T he T h in g H ap p en s P art III
fluen c e o f hi s b eli ef t h at g oin g t o liv
h e was e t h r ee h un ~

dred y ea rs h e b ecam e a ch an g ed man He b eg an to t ell .

eo p l e t h e t ruth ; and t h ey di s li k e d it s o much t h at t h ey

p
took advanta g e of c ertain clau s es of an A ct of P a rlia
m ent h e h ad h ims elf p a s sed d u rin g th e Four Y e a rs W ar ,
and h ad p u rp o sely fo rg ott en to J ep eal aft erwa rd s .

T h ey too k h i m to t h e T ow er of L ondon and sh ot h i m .

[ T h e a pp ar atu s ri n
g ]
s

c o n r n c m s [ an sweri n g ] Y es ? [ H e l i s ten s ]

A WO MAN S VO I CE
’
T h e D om e s tic M ini s t er h as call ed
. .

B U R GE LUB I N [ no t qui te c atc hi ng th e an s wer] W h o

-

do es sh e s ay h ad call ed ?
CONFUC I U S T he D om es tic M ini s t er
. .

B A R NABA S . O h , da s h it ! T h at awful woman !

BU R GE LUB I N S he c er tainly i s a bit of a t err o r I
-

.
'
.

dont k now exactly why ; f o r sh e i s not at all bad look in g -

B ARNABAS [ o u t o f p ati enc e] F or H e av en s s a k e, dont

’

b e frivolou s .

T HE A R C HB I S H OP He cannot h elp it , M r A ccountant

.

Gen er al T hree of h i s s ixt ee n g re at g re at g re at g rand

.
- - -

fath ers ma rri ed L ubin s .

B U R GE LUB I N
-
T ut tut ! I am not frivo llin g
. I did .

not ask th e lady h ere W h ich of you did ?

.

CONFU C I US It i s h er o fficial duty t o rep o rt p ers on

.

ally to th e P res id ent onc e a qua rt er .

B U R GE LUB I N
-
O h , th at !
. T h en I s up p o s e i t s my’

official duty to rec eiv e h er T h eyd b ett er s end h er in

. .

Y o u do nt mind , do you ? S h e will b rin g us bac k to real

life I dont k now h o w you fellows feel ; but I m j u s t
.
’

g oin g dotty .

c o n r uc m s [ i n to t h e t el e h on e] T h e
p P res i den t will
re ec iv e th e D om estic M ini s t er at onc e .

T h ey watc h t h e d o o r i n s i l en c e
f or th e en tr an c e o f
t h e D o mes ti c M i n i s ter .
1 30 T he T h in g H ap p en s P a t III
r

s on
y o u h av e j u st rem ind ed me of . B ut h e h as b een
d ead m any y ea rs .

T he res t, eac e t th A rc hbi s h op , l oo k at o ne an o th er

p e

qu i ck l .
y
M ay I ask
c o n r u c ru s . ho w many y ears ?
M R S LUTEST RI NG [ s truc k b y h i s to ne, l o o k s at hi m f or
a mo men t wi th so me d i spl eas ure ; then rep l i es ] It do es
not matt er A lon g tim e
. .

B U R GE LUB I N
-
You mu s tnt ru sh t o conclu s ion s about
.

th e A r ch bi s h o p M rs L ut est rin g , H e i s an o ld er bi rd .

t h an yo u th ink O ld er th an you a t all ev ent s

.
, .

M R S LUTEST R I NG [ wi th a mel an c h o l y s mi l e] I t h ink

not M r P res ident B ut th e s ubj ec t i s a d elicat e o ne
, .
‘

I h ad rat h er not p u rs u e i t .

C ONFU C I US T h ere i s a qu es tion wh ic h h as not b ee n

.

a sk ed .

M R S LUTEST RING [ v ery d eci si v el y ] If it i s a qu es tion

about my ag e M r C hi ef S ec reta ry it had b ett er not b e
, ,

a sk ed All t h at conc ern s you about my p erso n al a ff ai rs

.

can b e found in th e boo k s of th e A ccountant Gen eral .

c o n r u c ru s T h e qu es tion I was th in k in g of will n o t

.

b e add ress ed to you B ut l et me s ay th at you r s en

.

s i t i v en es s o n t h e o int i s v er y s t r an e comin f rom a

p g g ,

woman s o s u pe rio r to all com mon w eak nesses as we k now

you to b e .

mas LUTE S TR I NG I may h av e rea s on s wh ich h av e

.

noth in g to do with co mmo n w eak n ess es M r C h i ef S ec re ,

ta ry I h op e you will resp ect t h em

. .

CONFU C I US [ af ter b o wi n g t o h er i n as s en t] I will n o w

p u t my qu es tion H av e you . M r A r c h bi sh o
p any , ,

g r ound f o r a s s umin g a s you s e em to do ,t h at w h at h as ,

ha p p en ed to you h as no t h a p p en e d to oth er p eo pl e as
w ell ?
B URGE LUB I N
-
Y es by G eo rg e ! I n ev er th ou g h t o f
.
,

th at .
P art I I I T he T hin g H ap p en s 1 31

T HE A R C HB I S H O P . I h av e n ev er me t any ca s e but
my o wn .

c o n r o c m s. How do you know ?

T HE A RC HB I S HOP Well no o n e h as ever to ld me th a t
.
,

t hey were in t h i s ext r ao rdina ry p o sition .

C O NFU C I US T h at p r ov es noth in g
. D id you ev er t ell .

anybody t h at you w ere in it ? Y ou n ev er told u s W hy .

did you n ev er t ell us ?

TH E AR C HB I SHO P I am s u rp ri sed at t h e qu estion
.
,

co min g from s o a s tut e a mind as you rs M r S ec reta ry , .

Wh en you reach th e ag e I reached b efo re I di s cov ered

wh at was h a pp enin g to me I was old enou gh to know ,

and fea r th e ferociou s h at red wit h w hi ch h uman ani

mal s li k e all oth er animal s tu rn u p on any unh a pp y
, ,

individual wh o h as the mi s fo rtun e to be unli k e th em s elv es

i n ev ery res pe ct : to b e unnatu ral as th ey call it You , .

will s till find amon g the tal es of t h at tw enti eth c entu ry

,
-

cla s s ic Well s a s to ry of a rac e of men wh o g rew twic e as

, ,

b i g as t h ei r fellow s and anot h er s to ry of a man wh o fell

,

into th e h ands of a rac e of blind men T he b i g p eopl e .

h ad to fi g h t th e littl e p eo pl e f o r th ei r liv es ; and th e

man wit h ey es would h av e h ad h i s ey es p ut out by t h e
blind h ad h e not fled to t h e d ese rt wh ere h e p e ri sh ed ,

mi serably W ell s s t e ac h in g on th at and ot h er matt ers

.
’
, ,

w as not lo s t on me B y th e way h e l ent me fiv e p ounds

.
,

onc e wh ich I n ev er rep aid ; and it s til l t roubl es my

c on s ci e nc e .

c on r ucm s A nd w ere you the only re ad er o f Well s ?

.

If t here w ere oth ers li k e you h ad th ey n o t the s am e ,

re as on f o r k eep in g th e s ec re t ?

TH E A R CH B IS H O P T h at i s t ru e B ut I sh ould k now
. . .

You sh o r t liv ed p eo p l e are s o c h il di sh If I m et a man

-
.

of my o wn ag e I sho uld reco g niz e h i m at onc e I h av e .

n ever don e s o .
1 32 T he T h in g H app en s P a t III
r

MR S L U T E S TR I NG . Would you re co gn iz e a wom an of

y our do you t hi n k ?
ag e,

TH E A R C HB I SHO P —
I [H e . s ta
p s an d turn s up on h er
wi th a s earc hi n g l oo k , s t ar tl ed by th e s ug g es ti on an d th e
s us
p i c i on i t ] r o u s es .

M R S LUTESTR I N G Wh at i s you r ag e M r A rchbi sh o p ?

.
,

B URGE LUB I N -
. T wo h undred
and i g h ty th ree h e e -

s ay s . T h at i s h i s littl e j ok e D o you kn o w M r s L ut e .
,

s t rin g h e h ad almo s t tal k ed u s into b eli evin h i m w h n

, g e

you cam e in and cl ea red th e ai r with you r rob u s t common

s en s e .

M R S LUTESTR I N G D o you really feel th at M r P r es i

.
,

d ent ? I h ea r th e n ot e of b reezy a s s er tio n in you r voic e .

I mi s s th e not e of conviction .

B U B GE LUB I N [j u mp i n g up ] L o ok here L et us s top

-

tal k in g d amn ed non s en s e I dont wi sh to b e di s a g ree .

abl e ; but i t s g ettin g on my n er ves T h e b es t j ok e w ont

’
.

b ea r b ein g p u sh e d b eyond a c er tain p oint T h at p oint .

h as bee n r e ac h ed I — I m r ath er bu s y th i s mo rnin g

’
. .

W e all h av e o ur h and s p retty full C onfuciu s h ere will .

t ell you t h at I h av e a h e avy day b efo re m e .

BARNABAS H av e you anyth in g mo re i mp o rtant th an

.

th i s th in g if i t s t ru e ?
,
’

BURGE LUB I N O h if if if i t s t ru e ! B ut i t i s n t t ru e
-

.
, , ,
’ ’
.

BA R NABAS H av e you anyt h in g at all t o do ?

.

B U R c E LUB I N
-
A nyth in g to do ! H av e you fo rg otten
.
,

B a rnaba s t h at I h a pp en to b e P res id ent and t h at th e

, ,

w ei g h t of th e enti re p ublic bu sin es s of t h i s country i s on

my sh oulders ?
BARN A BAS Has b e anyth in g to do C onfuciu s ?
.
,

CONFUC I US He h as to b e P res id ent

. .

BARNABAS T h at m ean s th at he h as noth in g to do

. .

B UR G E LU BIN [ s ul k i l y ] V ery w ell B a rnaba s

-
Go on , .

ma k in g a fool of you rs elf [H e s i ts d o wn ] G o on . . .

1 34 T he T h in g H ap p en s P a t IIIr

an g el in you Fran k ly I do not r eco gn iz e t h e p arl o r

.
,

maid
B U RG E LUB IN Wh at s a p a rlo rmaid ?
-
.

M RS LUTESTR I NG A n extinct s p eci es A woman in a

. .

black dres s and wh it e a p r on wh o o p en ed the h ou s e doo r ,

wh en p eo p l e k noc k e d o r ran g and was eith er you r ty rant ,

o r yo u r s lav e I was a p a rlo rmaid in t h e h ou s e of o n e

.

of th e A ccountant G en eral s remot e anc es to r s [ T o C on ’

.

f a c i as ]
. You a sk ed m e my a e
g M r C h i ef S e c reta ry , .

I am two h und red and s ev enty fou r -

.

BURGE LUB I N [g al l an tl y ] You dont l o o k it You

-
.

r eally do nt loo k it .

M RS LUTEST RI N G [ tu rn i ng h er f ac e g rav el y to ward s

h i m ] L ook a g ain M r P res id ent , .

B URGE LUB I N [ l oo k i ng at h er b rav el y u n ti l the s mi l e

-

fad es f ro m h i s
f ac e an d h e s u d d en l
y c o v er s h i s e es wi th
, y
hi s h an d s ] Y es : you do loo k it I am convinc ed I t s ’
. .

t ru e N ow call up th e L unatic A sylum , C onfuciu s ; and

.

t ell th em to s end an ambulanc e f o r me .

M R S LUTEST RI NG [ to th e A rc h bi s h op ] W h y h av e y ou

g iv en away you r s e c ret ? o u r s ec ret ?

T HE A R CHB I SHOP T h ey found it out T h e cin em a

. .

re co r d s b et ray e d m e B ut I n ev er d ream t th at t h ere

.

w ere oth ers D id you ? .

mas LU T ESTR I N G I kn ew o n e oth er S h e was a coo k

. . .

S h e g rew ti red and kill e d h ers elf“

,

T HE A R CHB I SHO P D ea r m e ! How ev er h er d e ath

.
,

s im p lifi es t h e s ituation as I h av e b een abl e to convinc e

,

th ese g entl em en t h at th e matt er h ad b ett er g o no f ur

t h er .

M R S LUTESTR I NG Wh at ! Wh en th e P res ident know s !

.

I t will b e all ov er th e p lac e b e fo re th e en d o f t h e w eek .

B URGE LUB I N [ i nj u red ] R eally M rs L ut es t rin g ! Y ou

-

s p e a k as if I w ere a noto riou s ly indi s c reet e r s on B a

p r .

n ab a s h av e I s uch a rep utation ?

P art III T he T hin g H ap p en s 1 35

BA R N AB AS [ resi g nedl y ] It cant be he lped . It ’

s c on s ti
t u ti o n al .

C ONFU C I U S It i s utt erly u ncon s titution al B ut as

. .
,

you s ay it cannot b e h elp ed

, .

BURGE LUB I N [s o lemnl y ] I d eny th at a s ec ret of S tate

-

h as ev er p a s s ed my lip s— exc ep t p erh a ps to th e M ini s t er

p f H e alt h wh o i s,di s c re tion p e r s on i fi ed P e o p l e t h in k b e
.
,

cau s e sh e i s a n eg res s a
M R S LUTESTR I NG It do es not m att er m uch now
. .

O nc e it would h av e matt ered a g reat de al B ut my

, .

c h ild ren are all dead .

T HE A RCHB I SHOP Y e s : th e ch ild re n mu s t h av e b ee n a

.

t erribl e difficulty Fo rtunat ely f o r me I h ad non e

.
, .

M RS LUTESTR I N G T h ere was o n e dau g ht er wh o was

.

th e ch ild of my v ery h ea rt S om e y ea rs aft er my fi rs t

.

d ro wnin g I l ea rn t th at s h e h ad lo s t h er s i g h t I w ent to .

h er . S h e was an old woman of nin ety s i x blind S he -

, .

a ske d me to s i t and tal k with h er b e cau s e my v o i c e was

li k e the voic e of h er dead mo ther .

B UR GE LUB I N T h e co mplication s mu s t b e fri ghtful

-
. .

R e ally I h a rdl y kn o w w h eth er I d o want to liv e muc h

lon g er than oth er p eo pl e .

M R S LUTESTR I NG You can alway s kill you rs elf as

.
,

co o k did ; but th at was influ enza Lo n g life i s com pli .

ca bed an d ev en t errible ; but it i s g lo riou s all th e s am e

, .

I would no mo re ch an g e p lac es wit h an o rdina ry woman

th an wi th a may fly t h at lives only an h ou r .

TH E A R C HB I SHO P W h at s et you th ink in g of it fi rst ?

.

MR S LUTESTR I N G C on rad B a r naba s boo k Y ou r wife

.
’
.

t old m e it was m o r e wond erful t h an N a p ol eon s B ook of

’

F at e and O ld M oo re s A lmanac w h ich coo k and I u s ed

’
,

to read I was v ery i g no r a nt : it di d not s eem s o i mp os

.

s ibl e t o m e as t o an educat ed woman Y et I fo rg ot al l

.

about it and mar ri ed and d rudg ed as a p oo r man s wife

,
’
,
1 36 T he T h in g H ap p en s P art III
and b rou g h t up ch ildren and look ed tw e nty y ea rs old er
,

t h an I really was until o n e day lon g aft er my hu sband

, ,

di ed and my c h ild ren w ere o ut in th e wo rld wo rk in g f o r

t hem s elv es I notic ed th at I look ed tw enty ye a rs youn g er
,

than I really was T h e t ruth cam e to m e i n a fla sh

. .

BU R GE LUB I N A n amazin g mom ent You r f eelin g s

-
. .

mu s t h ave b ee n beyond d es c rip tion Wh at was you r fi rs t .

th ou gh t ? t i

M RS LUTE S TRI NG P u re t erro r I s aw t h at th e littl e

. .

mo n ey I h ad laid up would not la s t and th at I mu s t go ,

o ut and wo rk a g ain T h ey h ad t h in g s c all ed O ld A g e

.

P en s ion s th en : mi ser abl e p ittanc es f o r wo r n out old -

labo rers t o d i e on I th ou g h t I sh ould be found out if

.

I w ent on d r awin g it too lon g T h e h o rro r o f facin g .

anoth er life time of d rud g ery o f mi s s in g my h a rd ea rn ed ,

-

res t and lo s in g my po o r littl e s avin g s d r ov e e v eryth in g ,

el s e out of my mind You p eop l e nowaday s can h av e

.

no conc ep tio n of th e d read of p ov er ty t h at h un g ov e r

u s t h en o r of th e utt er ti redn es s of fo rty y ea rs u n en d
’
,

i n g ov erwo rk and s t rivin g to ma k e a sh illin g do th e wo rk

of a p ound .

TH E AR CHB I SHO P I wonder you did n o t kill you rs elf

. .

I oft en wond er wh y th e p oor in th o s e evil old tim es di d

n o t k ill th em s elv es Th ey did not ev e n k ill ot h er p eo pl e
. .

M R S LUTESTR I N G Y ou n ev er k ill you rs elf be cau se

.
,

you alway s may as w ell wait until t o mo rr ow A nd you .

h ave not en erg y o r conviction enou g h to k ill th e oth ers .

B es id es h ow can you blam e th em wh en y ou would do as

,

th ey do if you w ere in th ei r plac e ?

B URGE LUB I N D evili sh p oo r con solation th at
-
.
, .

M R S LUTE S T R I N G T h ere w er e ot h er co n solation s in

.

t h o s e day s f o r p eo pl e lik e me W e d rank p rep a r ation s .

of alcoh ol t o reli eve th e s t rain o f li v in g and g iv e u s an

a rtificial h ap p in es s .
1 38 T he T h in g H ap p en s Pa t 1 11
r

s h o rt
of a blow from a sl ed g e h a mm er c ould p ro duc e th e -
'

s mall es t im res s ion o n any of u s ?

p
M R S LUTEST R I NG W ell you s ee it h as bee n s o h a rd
.
, ,

on me n ev er to m ee t a g rown up p ers on You are all -

.

s uc h c h ild ren A nd I n ev er was v ery fond of ch ild ren

. ,

e xc e t t h at o n e i rl wh o wo k e up t h e mot h er p a s s ion in
p g
me I h av e b een v ery lon ely s om etim es
. .

B UR G R L U R I N [ ag ai n g al l an t ] B ut s u rely M rs L ut e
-

s t rin g t h at h as b een you r own fault

, If I may s ay s o .
,

a lady of you r att raction s n e ed n ev er h av e b een lon ely .

M R S LUTESTR I NG W h y ? .

B U RG E LU B I N-
W h y ! W ell
. Well er ,

er er W ell ! [ He g i v es i t up ] .

THE A RCHB I SHO P H e m ean s th at you mi g h t h av e

.

ma rri ed C u riou s h ow littl e th ey und ers tand o ur p o s i

.
,

tion .

M R S L U T E S T R I N G I did ma rry I ma rri ed a g ain on

. .

my h undr ed and fi rs t bi rt hd ay B ut of cou rse I h ad t o .

ma rry an eld erly man ; a man ov er s ixty He w as a .

reat p aint er O n h i s d eath b ed h e s aid to me

“ It h a
g . s

ta k en me fift y y e a rs to l ea rn my t rad e an d t o p aint all ,

th e fooli sh p ictu res a man mu s t p aint and g et ri d of

b efo re h e com es t h rou g h t h em to th e g r eat t h in g s he
“

ou g h t to p aint A nd now th at my foot i s a t la s t on the

.

thresh old of the t emp l e I find th at it i s al s o t h e t hresh old

”
of my tom b T h at man would h av e b ee n t he g reat es t
.

p aint er of all t im e if h e could h av e liv ed as lon

g as I .

I saw h i m d i e of old ag e wh il s t h e was s till as h e s aid ,

h im s elf a g entl eman amate u r li k e all mod ern p aint ers

, , .

R UR G E LU R I N-
B ut wh y h ad you to marr y an eld erl y
.

man ? W h y no t m a rry a youn g o n e ? o r S h all I s ay a

middl e a g ed o n e ? If my own a ff ection s w ere n o t al ready
-

e n a g ed ; and i f to t ell t h e t ruth I w ere n ot a littl e

g , ,

—
afraid of you f o r yo u are a v ery su peri o r woman as ,
P art I I I T he T h in g H app en s 139

we all ac k nowl ed ge —I s h ould es t ee m mys elf h a pp y in

er— er

MRS LU T E S T R I N G M r P res id ent : h av e you ever t ri ed

.

to ta k e advanta g e of t h e innoc enc e of a littl e ch ild f o r

th e g r atification of you r s e n s es ?
B UR G E LU B I N
-
Good H eav en s madam wh at do you
.
, ,

ta k e m e f o r ? Wh at ri gh t h av e you to as k m e such a
q u es tion ?

M R S LU T ESTR I N G I am a t p res ent in my two h undred

.

and s ev enty fi f th y e a r
-
You s u g g es t th at I sh oul d t ak e
.

advanta g e of th e innoc enc e of a c h ild of th i rty and ,

marry it .

T HE A R C HB I SHO P C an you sh o rtliv ed p eo p l e not un

.

ders t an d th at as t h e confu s ion and immatu rity and p ri m

i ti v e animali s m in w h ich we liv e f o r th e fi rs t h und re d
y ea rs of o u r life i s wo rs e in th i s matt er of s ex th an in
any ot h er you are intol er abl e to u s in th at relation ?
BURGE LU R I N D o you m e an to s ay M rs L ute s t ri n g
-
.
, ,

t h at you reg a rd m e as a ch i ld ?
MR S LU T E S T R I N G D o you exp ect m e to reg a rd you
.

as a com p l et ed s oul ? O h you may w ell b e af raid o f m e

, .

T h ere are mo m ent s wh en you r l evity you r in g r atitud e , ,

you r sh llow j ollity ma k e my g o rg e ri s e s o a g ain s t you

,

t h at if c o uld not remind my s elf t h at you are a c hild I

sh ould b e t em t ed to doubt you r ri h t to liv e at all
p g .

C O N F U C I U S D o yo u g r udg e us t h e f ew y ea r s we h av e ?
.

you wh o h av e t h ree h und red !

B U RG E LU BIN You accu s e m e of l evity ! M u s t I re
-
.

mind you m adam t h at I am th e P res ident and t h at y ou

, , ,

are on ly t h e h ead of a d ep a rtm ent ?

B A R NABAS In g r atitud e t o o ! You d r aw a p en s ion f o r
.

t hree h und red y e a rs wh en we o we yo u o nly s ev enty

ei ht ; and you call u s un rat eful !
g g
MRS LU T E S T R I N G I do Wh en I th ink of th e b l es s
'

. .

in g s th at h av e be en sh ow ered on you and co ntr a st t h em ,

1 40 T he T h in g H ap p en s P a t III
r

wi th the p ov erty ! t h e h umiliation s ! the anxi eti es ! th e

h ea rtb reak ! th e in so l enc e and ty r anny th at w er e th e
daily lot of man k ind wh en I was l ea rnin g to s u ff er i n
s t ead of l e a rnin to liv e ! w he n I s ee h o w li h tly you tak e
g g
it all ! h ow you qua rrel ov er t h e c rumpl ed l e av es in you r
b ed s of ro s es ! h o w you are s o dainty about you r wo rk
th at unl es s it i s m ad e eith er int eres tin g o r d eli gh tful to
you you l eav e it to n eg res s es and C h inam en I ask my ,

s elf wh et h er ev en t h ree h und r ed y ea rs of t h ou g h t and

\

ex eri enc e can s av e you f r om b e in s u ers ed e d by t h e

p g p
P ow er th at c reat e d you and p u t you on you r t rial .

B U R GE LUB I N M y d e a r lady : o ur Ch in ese and colo red

-
.

f ri end s are p erfectly h a pp y T h ey are tw enty tim es

.

b efi er o ff h ere th an t h ey would b e in C h ina o r L iberia .

T h ey do t h ei r wo rk a dmi r ably ; and in doin g it t h ey s et

u s free f o r h i g h er em p loym ent s .

T HE A R CHB I SHO P [ who h as c aug h t the i n f ec ti on o f h er

i n d i g nati on ] Wh at h i g h er e m p loym ent s are you ca p abl e
of you th at are su p erannu at ed at s ev enty and d ead at
e i h ty !
g
M R S LUTESTR I NG You are not re ally doin g h i g h er
.

wo rk You are s u p p o s ed to ma k e th e d eci s ion s and g iv e

.

th e o rd er s ; but th e n eg r es s es and th e C h in es e ma k e up
you r mind s f o r you and t ell you w h at o rd ers to g iv e ,

j u s t as my b roth er wh o was a s erg eant in th e Gua rd s

, ,

u s ed to p r om p t hi s o fli c ers in t he old day s Wh en I .

want to g et anyt h in g don e at th e H ealth M ini s t ry I do

n o t com e to you : I g o to th e blac k lady wh o h as b een

th e real p res id ent du rin g you r p res ent t erm of o ffic e o r ,

to C onfuciu s wh o g o es on f o r ev er wh il e p res id ent s com e

,

and p resid ent s g o .

R UR G R LUB I N
-
. T h i s i s out ra g eou s T h i s i s t re a s on
.

t o t h e wh it e rac e . And l et m e t ell you madam t h at I , ,

h av e n ev er in my lif e met th e M ini s t er of H ealth and ,

th at I p rot es t a g ain s t t h e v ul g a r color p rej udic e wh ich

 42 T he T h in g H ap p en s P art III
th e th ink in g o rg anizin g calculatin g di rectin g wo rk i s
, , ,

don e by y ell o w b r ain s brown b r ain s and blac k b rain s

, , ,

j u s t as it was don e in my e arly day s by Jewi sh b r ain s ,

S cotti sh b r ain s Italian b r ain s G erman brain s T h e o nly

, , .

wh it e men wh o s till do s eriou s wo rk are th o s e wh o lik e ,

th e A ccountant G en eral h av e n o ca p acity f o r enj oy

,

m ent and no s ocial g ift s to mak e them welcome out s ide

,

th ei r o ffic es .

BA R NABAS C onfound you r im pud enc e ! I h ad g if ts

.

e nou h t o fi nd you out anyh ow

g , .

THE ARCHB I SHO P [ di s reg ardi ng th is o u tbu rs t] If you

w ere to k ill m e as I s tand h ere you would h ave to app oint
,

an Indian to s ucc eed me I ta k e p re c ed enc e to day n o t

.
-

as a E n g li sh man but as a man wit h mo re t h an a c entu ry

,

and a h alf of fully adult exp eri enc e W e are l e tti ng all .

th e p ow er sli p into t h e h and s of th e colo red pe op l e In .

anoth er h und red y ea rs we sh all be s imp ly th ei r h ou s e

h old pe t s .

B URGE L UB I N [ reac ti n g b uoyan tl y] N ot th e l ea s t dan

-

er o f it I gr ant you w e l eav e th e mo s t t roubl eso m e

g .

p a rt of t h e labor of th e nati o n to t h em A nd a g ood .

j ob too : wh y sh ould we d ru d g e at it ? B ut th ink of th e

activiti es of o ur l ei su re ! I s th ere a j olli er p lac e o n ea rth
to liv e in than E n g land out of offic e h ou rs ? A nd to
wh om do we o we th at ? T o ou rs elv es not to th e ni gg ers , .

T h e ni g g er and th e Ch ink ar e all ri gh t f r om T u es day

t o Friday ; but fro m Friday to T u es day th ey ar e s i mply
nowh ere : and th e real life o f E n g land i s fro m Friday
to T u esday .

T HE A R CHB IS HO P Th at i s t erribly t ru e I n d evi sin g

. .

brainles s amu s em ent s ; in p u rs uin g t h em with eno rmou s

vi g o r and takin g t h em with ea g er s eriou sn es s o u r E ng
, ,

li sh p eo p l e are th e wond er of th e wo rld T h ey al .

way s w ere A nd it i s j u s t as w ell ; f o r oth erwi se t he i r

.

s en s uality would becom e m o rbid and des t roy t hem .

P a t III
r T he T h in g H ap p en s 1 43

What a pp al s me i s th at th ei r amu s em ent s sh ould amu s e

th em T h ey are t h e amu s em ent s of boy s and g i rl s
. .

T h ey are p a r don abl e up to th e ag e of fifty o r s ixty

aft er t h at t h ey are ridi culou s I t ell you wh at i s w ron g
.
,

with us i s t hat we are a non ad ul t r ac e ; and th e Iri sh -

and th e S cot s and the ni g g ers an d C h in k s as you call

, ,

t h em t h ou gh t h ei r lifetim e i s as s h o rt as ou rs o r
, ,

S h o rt er yet do s om eh ow cont riv e t o g r ow up a littl e

,

b efo re t h ey di e W e di e in boyh ood ; th e matu rity th at

.

s h ould ma k e u s t he re at es t o f all th e nation s li es b eyond

g
the g r av e f o r u s E ith er we s h all g o und er as g r ey
.

b ea rd s wit h g olf club s in o u r h and s o r we mu s t will t o ,

l iv e lon g er .

M R S LUTEST RI NG Y e s : th at i s it I could not h av e

. .

ex p re s s ed it in wo r ds ; but you h av e e x res s ed it f o r me

p .

I felt ev en wh en I was an i g no r ant dom s tic slav e th at

,
e ,

we h ad th e p o s s ib i lity of be comin g a g r eat nati o n with in

u s ; but o u r faults and folli es d r ov e m e to cynical h o p e
l es s n es s W e all end ed th en li k e th at It i s th e hi g h es t
. .

c reatu res who tak e t h e lon g es t to matu re and are the ,

mo s t h el p l es s du rin g t h ei r immatu rity I k now n o w th at .

it too k m e a wh ol e c entu ry to gr ow up I b eg an my s eri .

o u s life wh en I w as a h und re d and t w enty A s iatics can .

not cont r ol me : I am not a ch ild in th ei r h and s as you ,

ar e M r P res id e nt
,
N ei th er I am s u re i s th e A rch
.
, ,

bi sh op T hey res p ect m e You are n o t g rown u p

. .

enou h ev en f o r th at t h ou gh you w e re k ind en o u g h to

g ,

s ay t hat I fri g h t en you .

BU R GE L UB I N H on es tly you do A nd will you t h ink

-
.
, .

me v ery ru d e if I s ay th at if I mu st ch oo s e be tw een a
wh it e woman old e nou gh to b e my gr eat g randm o th er -

an d a bla ck woman of my own ag e I sh all p r obably find ,

t h e black woman mo re sym p at h etic ?

MR S LUTEST R ING A n d mo re att r activ e in color p er
.
,

h ap s ?
1 44 T he T h in g H app en s P art I I I
R UR GE LU R I N
-
Y S inc you
. k —
m e, mo re w ell ,
es . e as
not mo re att rac tive : I do not d eny t h at you h av e an
e xc ell ent a p pea ranc e— but I will s ay , ric h er M o re .

Ven etian T ro p ical

.
“T h e s h adow ed liv ery of th e b ur
.

n i s h ed s u n .

M R S LUTES TRI NG O ur wom en and th ei r favo rit e

.
,

s tory w rit er s b eg in already to tal k a b out men with

,

g old en com l exion s

p .

C O N F U C I U S [ exp an d i ng in to a s mil e al l ac ro s s b o th
f ace an d bo d y] A h!
’
-
a a a - -

B URGE LU R I N W ell wh at of it madam ? Hav e you

-
.
, ,

re ad a v ery int er es tin g boo k by th e lib ra rian of th e B io

lo g ical S o ci ety s u g g estin g th at th e futur e of th e wo rld

lies wit h t h e M ulatto ?
M R S LUTESTR I NG [ ri s i n g ] M r A r ch bi sh o p : if t h e wh it e
r ac e i s to b e s av ed o ur d es tiny i s a a rent
, pp .

THE ARCHB I SHO P Y es : o ur duty i s p retty cl e a r

. .

M R s LUTESTR I NG H av e you tim e t o com e h om e with

.

m e and di s cu s s th e matt er ?
THE ARCHB I SHOP [ ri s i n g ] W ith pl ea s u re .

BARNABAS [ ri s i n g al so and rus h i n g pas t M rs Lu te

s t ri n g t o the do o r wh ere h e tu rn s t o b ar h er way ] N o
,

you dont B u rg e : you und ers tand dont you ?

.
,

BURGE LUB I N N o Wh at i s it ?
-
. .

BARNABAS T h e s e two are g oin g t o ma rry

. .

R UR G E LU R I N
-
W h y sh ouldnt th ey if th ey want to ?
.
,

BARNABAS T h ey dont want to T h ey will do it in cold

. .

blood b ecau s e th ei r c h ildren will liv e th ree hund red y ea rs .

It mu s tnt be allow ed .

C O N FU C IU S You cannot p rev en t it T h ere i s no law

. .

t h at g ives you po wer to int erfere with t hem .

BARNABA S If t h ey fo r c e m e to it I will ob tain l eg i s

.

la tio n a g ain s t m a rria g es abov e th e ag e of s ev enty ei g h t -

.

T H E A R CHB I SHO P T h ere i s not tim e f o r t h at b e fo re

.
1 46 T he T h in g H app en s P art III
B A R N AB A S If I h av to di e wh en I am s ev enty ei gh t ,
. e -

I dont s ee wh y anoth er man sh o ul d b e p ri vil eg ed to liv e

t o b e two h und red and s ev enty ei g h t It d oes s h o rt en -
.

my life, r elativ ely It ma k es us ridiculou s If they

. .

ew to b e tw elv e f eet h i h t h ey would ma k e u s all

g r
g
d wa rfs T h ey tal k ed to u s as if we w ere ch i ld ren T he re
. .

i s no lov e lo s t b etw een u s : t h eir h at red of u s cam e out

s oon enou h Y ou h a d wh at th wo man aid and h w
g .
,
e r e s , o

th e A rc hbi sh o p bac k ed h er up ?
BU R GE LUB I N B ut Wh at can we do to t h em ?
-
.

B A R NABAS K ill t h em
. .

B U R GE LUB I N N on s en s e !
-
.

BA R NABA S Lo ck t h em up S t eril i z e t h em s om eh ow ,
. .

anyh ow .

BURGE L U B I N f B ut wh at rea s on could we g ive ?

-

BARNABAS W hat re a s on can you g iv e f o r k illin g a

.

s na k e ? N atu re t ell s you to do it .

B URGE LUB I N M y d ea r B a rn ab as , you are out of

-
.

you r mi n d f
BA R NABA S H av n t you s aid t h at onc e t o o often al
.

ready t h i s mo rnin g ?

B URGE -
LUB I N I dont b eli ev e you will ca rry a s in g l e
.

s oul with you .

BA R NABAS I und ers tand I k now you You t h ink

. . .

you are o n e of th em .

C O N FU CI U S M r A ccountant G en eral : y ou ma y be o n e
.

of them .

BARNABAS Ho w da re you a ccu s e m e of such a th ing ?

.

I am an h on es t man not a mon s t er I won my plac e in

, .

p ublic lif e by d emon s t r atin g t h at th e t ru e ex p ectation

of h uman life i s s even ty ei gh t p oint s i x A nd I will -

.

res i s t any att em p t to alt er o r up s e t it t o t h e la s t d rop

of my bl oo d i f n eed b e .

BURGE LUB I N O h tut tut ! C o m e c o me ! Pull you r

-
. , ,

s elf to g eth er Ho w c an you a d es c endan t of th e g reat

.
,
P art III T he T hi n g H app en s 1 47

C on rad B a rnaba s th e man wh o i s s til l rem embered by

,

h i s ma s t erly B io g r a ph y of a B lack B eetl e be s o ab s u rd ? ,

B ARNABAS You h ad bett er g o and w rit e th e autobi

.

o rap h y of a j ac k a s s I am oin to ai s e th e count r y

g .
g g r

a g ain s t t h i s h o r ro r and a g ain st you if you sh ew th e

, ,

s li g h t es t s i g n of w e a k n es s about it .

c o n r u c m s [ v ery i mpr es s i v el y ] You wil l reg ret it if

you do .

BARNABA S What i s to mak e me reg re t it ?

.

C ONFU CI U S . E v ery mo rtal man and woman in th e

comm unity will beg i n to count on livin g f o r t h ree c en
t u ri e s . T h in g s will h a p p en wh ich you do not fo res ee
t erribl e t h in g s T h e family will di s s olv e : parent s and
.

c hild ren will b e no lon g er th e old and th e youn g : b roth

ers and s i s t ers will m eet as s t ran g ers a ft er a h und red
y ea rs s ep a ration : th e ti es of blood will lo s e t h ei r inno
c enc e T h e ima g inat ion s of men l e t loo s e over t h e p o s
.
,

s ib i l i ti es of t h ree c entu ri es of lif e will d riv e th em mad

,

and w reck h uman s o ci ety T hi s di s cov ery mu s t b e kep t

.

a d ead s e cr et [ H e s i ts d o wn ]
. .

BARNABAS A nd if I refu s e to k eep th e se c re t ?

.

C ONFU C I US I s h all h av e you sa fe in a lunatic a sylum

.

t h e day aft er yo u blab .

BARNABAS You fo rg et t h at I can p roduc e th e A r ch

.

bi sh o p to p rov e my s tat em en t .

c o n r uc m s . S o can I Wh ic h of u s do you th ink

.

h e wi ll s u p p o rt wh en I ex p lain to h i m th at you r o bj ec t
in rev ealin g hi s ag e i s to g et hi m k ill ed ?
BA R NABAS [ d es p erate] B u rg e : are you g oin g to back
up thi s y el l o w abo mination a g ain s t me ? A re we p ub li c
m en an d m embers of th e G ov ern m ent ? o r are we dam n ed
black g uard s ?
c o m mc m s [ un mov ed ] H av e you e v er known a ubli
p c

man wh o h as n o t wh at vitu p er ativ e p eo p l e call a d amn ed

1 48 T he T h in g H ap p en s P art III
black g ua rd wh en s om e incon s id erat e p erson want ed to
t ell th e p ublic mo re th an was g ood f o r it ?
B A R NABAS H old you r t on g u e you in s ol ent h eat h en
. , .

B u rg e : I sp o k e to you .

B URGE LUB I N W el l you know my dea r B arnaba s

-
.
, , ,

C onfuciu s i s a v ery lon g h e ad ed ch ap I s ee h i s p oint -

. .

BA R NABAS D o you ? T h en l et m e t ell you t h at ex

.
,

c ep t o fficially I will n ever spe ak to you a g ain D o you

, .

h ea r ?
BURGE LUB I N [ c heerf ul l y ] You wil l You will
-
. .

BA R NABAS A nd dont you ever d a re sp eak to me a g ain

. .

D o you h e a r ? [ H e tu rn s t o th e d o or ] .

BURGE LUB I N I will I wi ll G ood b y e B a rn aba s

-

. . .
-

, .

G od bl es s you .

B A R NABA S M ay y ou liv e fo rev er and be th e lau gh

.
,

i n g s t o ck of th e Wh ol e wo rld !
-

[ H e d a s h es o u t in a

f at a l
B UB GE -

[ g g
l au h i
LU B I N n i n d u l g en tl y] H e will k ee
p th e

s e c r et all ri h t I k n o w B a rn aba s You n e ednt wo r ry

g . . .

C ONFU CI US [ trou bl ed and g rav e] T h ere are no s ec r et s

exc ep t th e s e c ret s t h at k eep t h em s elv e s C on sid er . .

T h er e are t h o se film s at th e R eco rd O ffic e W e h av e no .

w er to rev e nt th e M a s t er of t h e R eco r d s from u b

p o p p
l i s hi n g t h i s di s cov ery mad e in hi s d ep a rtm ent W e can .

no t s il e nc e t h e A m er ican — wh o can s il enc e an A m erican ?

—n o r t h e eo l e wh o w ere t h ere today to re c eiv e h i m
p p .

Fo rtunat ely , a fil m can p rov e noth in g but a res emblanc e .

B U R GE LUB I N T hat s v ery t ru e A ft er all , th e wh ol e

-
. .

th in g i s confound ed non s en s e , i s nt it ?
C ONFU C I US [ rai s i n g h i s head to l o o k at h i m] Y ou
hav e d ecid ed n o t to b eli ev e it now t h at you realiz e i ts i n
conv eni enc es T h at i s th e E n gli sh m et h od I t may n o t
. .

wo rk in t h i s ca se .

BU R GE LUB I N E n g li sh be h an g ed ! I t s c o mmon
-
.
’

s en s e . You k now , th o se two p eopl e g o t u s hy p notiz ed :

1 50 T he T h in g H ap p en s P art III
C onfuciu s you re ri g h t ! I n ev er t h ou g h t of th at T h at
, .

ex p lain s ev eryth in g W e are j u s t a lot of s ch oolboy s

.

t h eres no d enyin g it T al k to an E n g li shman about .

anyth in g s eriou s and h e li s t en s to you cu riou sly f o r a

,

mom ent j u s t as h e li s t en s to a c h a p playin g cla s s ical

mu sic T h en h e g o es back to h i s ma rin e g olf o r moto r
.
,

i n g o r flyin g o r wom en j u s t li k e a bit of s t r e tch ed

, , ,

ela s tic w h en you l e t it g o [ S o ari n

g t o th e h.ei g h t o
f h i s

th em e] . O h you re quit e r i g h t
’
, W e are only in o ur i n .

fancy I ou g h t to b e in a p e ramb ul ato r with a nu rs e

.
,

s h ovin g me alon g I t s t ru e : i t s ab s olut ely t ru e

.
’
B ut’
.

so m e day w e ll r ow u and t h en by J in o w ll
’ ’
g p ; g e , ,

s h ew em .

CONFU C I US T h e A rch bi sh op i s an adult Wh en I

. .

was a c h ild I was dominat e d and intimi dat ed by p eo p l e

wh om I now k now to h ave b een w e a k er and s illi er th an I ,

b e cau s e t h ere was s om e my s t eriou s quality in th ei r m ere

ag e t h at ov er aw ed m e I confes s t h at th ou g h I h av e
.
,

k ep t up app e a r anc es I h av e alway s been af raid of th e

,

Archbi sh o p .

BURGE LUB I N-
B etw een ou rs elv es C onfuciu s
.
, ,

h av e I .

CONFU CI U S It i s th i s t h at convinc ed me It was th i s

. .

i n th e woman s fac e t h at convinc ed you T h ei r n ew d e

’
.

p a r tu r e in t h e h i s to ry of t h e r ac e i s no f r aud It do es .

n o t e v e n s u rp ri s e m e .

BURGE LUB I N O h com e ! N ot s u rp ri s e you ! I t s

-
.
,
’

you r p os e n ev er to b e s u rp ri s ed at anyt h in g ; but if you

are not s u rp ri s e d at t h i s you are not h uman .

C O NFU C I US I am s ta g g ered j u s t as a man may b e

.
,

s ta g g er ed by an ex p lo s ion f o r wh ic h h e h as h im s elf laid

th e ch a rg e and li gh t ed t h e fu s e B ut I am not s ur .

p r i s ed b ecau s e as a
, p h ilo
, s o h er and a s tud ent of ev ol u
p
ti o n ary biolo g y I h av e com e to reg a r d s om e s uc h d ev el
,

o p m en t as th i s as in evitabl e I f I h ad not th u s p repa red

.
P art III T he T h in g H ap p en s 1 51

my s elf to b e credulou s no m ere evid enc e of fil m s and ,

w ell told tal es woul d h av e p ers uad ed me to beli ev e A s

-

it i s I do beli ev e
, .

BURGE LUB I N W ell th at b ein g s ettl ed wh at th e d evi l

-

.
, ,

i s to h a pp e n n ext ? Wh at s t h e n ext mov e f o r u s ?

C ONFU CI US W e do n o t ma k e t h e n ext mo v e T he
. .

n ext mov e will b e m ad e by the A rchbi sh op and th e

woman .

B AR GE LUB I N T h ei r ma rria g e ?
-

C O NFU C I US M o re than t h at T hey h av e made th e

. .

mom entou s di s cov e y t h at t h ey are n o t alon e i n t he

r

wo rld .

BURGE LUB -
You t hink th ere are oth ers ?
C ONFU C I US T h ere mu s t b e many ot h er s E ach o f
. .

t h em b eli ev es t h at h e o r sh e i s th e only o n e to wh o m th e
miracl e h as h a p p en ed B ut th e A rc hbi s h o p k nows b ett e r
.

no w . H e will adv er ti s e in t er m s w h ic h only t h e lon g liv ed

e o l e will und er s tand H e will b r in t h em to g et h e r and
p p g .

o rg aniz e th em T h ey will h a s t e n from all p a rt s of th e

.

e a rt h .T h ey will b ecom e a g re at P ow e r .

BU B GE LUB I N [ a l i t tl e al armed ] I s ay will t h ey ? I

-

su o s e th ey will I wond er i s B a r naba s ri h t aft er all ?

pp .
g
O u g h t we to allow it ?
CONFU C I US N oth in g th at we can do will s t0 p it W e
. .

cannot in o u r s oul s really want to s to p i t : th e vital fo r c e

t h at h as p roduc e d th i s c h an g e would p a r alyz e o ur o p p o
s i t i o n to it if we w ere mad enou g h to o pp o s e B ut we
,
.

will not o p p o se You and I may b e of th e el e ct too

.
, .

BU B GE LUB I N Y e s : th at s wh at g et s us ev ery t i m e
-
. .

Wh at th e d euc e ou gh t we to do ? S om eth in g mu s t b e :

don e about it you k now , .

CONFU C IUS L et u s s i t s till and m editat e in s il en ce

. ,

on t h e vi s ta s b e fo re u s .

BURGE LUB I N B y Geo rg e I b el i ev e you re ri g h t

-
.
,
.

L et us.
152 T he T h in g H ap p en s P a t IIIr

T h ey s i t med i tati ng the C hi nama n n atur al l y th e

, ,

Pres id en t wi th v i s i bl e e ff o r t an d i n tens i ty He i s p osi .

ti v el y g l ari n g i nt o t he f u t ure wh en the v o i c e o f t h e

N eg res s i s h eard .

THE NEGRESS M r P resid ent . .

B URGE L U B I N [ j o yf ul l y ] Y es [ T aki ng u p a
-

.
p eg .
]
Are you at h om e ?
THE NEGRESS N o O m eg a z er o x squa red
. .
, , .

T h e P res id en t r ap i d l y p u ts th e p eg i n t h e s wi tc h
bo ar d ; wo rk s th e d i al ; an d p r es s es th e b u t to n T he .

s c reen b ec o mes tran s aren t ; a n d the N eg res s , b ri l l i an t l y

p
dres s ed app e ars o n wh at l o o k s l i k e th e b ridg e o f a s team
,

y a c h t i n g l o r i o u s s ea weat h er T h e i n s t all a
.ti on wi t h
wh i c h s he i s c o mmu n i c ati n g i s b es i d e th e bi n n ac l e .

C ONFUC I US [ l o o k i ng ro u n d an d rec o i l i n g wi th a s h r i ek
,

o f d i s us t ] A ch ! A vau nt ! A vaunt ! [ H e ru s he s r o m th e
g f
ro o m
] .

B URGE LUB I N What p a rt of th e co a s t i s th at ?

-
.

T HE NEGRESS . Fi sh g ua r d B ay . W hy not run ov er

and j oin m e f o r th e aft ern o on ? I am di sp o s ed to be
a p p roa c h abl e at la s t .

BURGE LUB I N B ut Fi sh g ua rd ! T wo h und re d and

-
.

s e v enty mil es !

T HE NEGRESS T h ere i s a li g h tnin g ex pres s on th e

.

Iri sh A i r S ervic e at h alf p a s t s ixt een T h ey will d rop

-
.

you by a p a rach ut e i n th e bay T h e d i p will do you .

g ood . I will p ic k you u

p and d r
y you and g iv e you a

fi rs t rat e tim e
-

. .

B URGE LUB I N D eli g h tful B ut a littl e r i s k y i s nt

-

. .
-

it ?
T HE NEGRESS R i s k y ! I th ou g h t yo u w ere afraid o f
.

noth in g .

BURGE LUB I N I am not exactly afraid but

-
.

THE NEGRESS [ o ff end ed ] B ut you th in k i t i s not g ood

1 54 T he T h in g H ap p en s P art III
BUR GE LUB I N Fo r life ! T h at s ettl es i t : I wont
-
.

r i s k it .

CONFU C I US G ood . Y ou h av e at la s t becom e

.

rud ent : you are no lon g er w h at y o u call a s p o r t s man

p
you are a s en s ibl e cowa rd almos t a g rown up man I ,
-
.

con g ratulate you .

BU R GE LUB I N [ reso l u tel y ] C owa rd o r no cowa rd I

-

will not fac e an e t ernity of rh eumati s m f o r an y woman

t h at ev er was b o rn [ H . e ri s es and g o es t o t h e r ac k f o r

hi s fil l e t ] I h av e ch an g ed my mind ; I am g oin g h om e
. .

[ H e c o c k s th e
fi l l e t r a k i s hl
y ] G ood. ev e nin g .

C ONFU CI US S o ea rl y ? If th e M in i s t e r of H ealt h
.

rin g s you up wh at s h all I t ell h er ?

,

BU R GE LUB I N T ell h er to g o to th e d evil [ He g o es

-
. .

t] .

C ONFU CI US [ s h ak i ng h i s h ead s hoc k ed at the P res i

,

den t s i mp o l i ten es s ] N o N o no no no no O h t h es e
’
.
, , , , .
,

E n g li sh ! th ese c rud e youn g civilization s ! T h eir man

n ers H o g s H o g s . .
T RAGE D Y
158 Trag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an P a rt I V
T he el d erl l n tl eman
oo k s u h a ti l ll h i m
y g e p ; s
y p u s

s el f t og eth er ; tak es o u t a s i l k h an dk erc h i e n d d ri es h i s

f a
te ars l i g h t l y wi th a b rav e at temp t to s mil e th ro ug h
th em ; an d t ri es to ri s e g al l an tl y b u t s i n k s b ac k ] , .

THE WOMAN D o you n eed a s s i s tanc e ?

.

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN N O T h ank you v ery . .

muc h N o N ot h in g T h e h eat [ H e p un c tu ates

. . . .

wi th s n i fls an d d ab s wi th h i s h and k erc hi ef
'

, at hi s eyes

an d n o s e ] . f ev er
H ay .

THE WOMAN You are a fo rei g n er are yo u not ?

.
,

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN N o You mu s t not re . .

g a r d m e as a fo r ei n er
g I am a B r iton . .

THE WOMAN You com e fro m s om e p a r t of th e

.

B riti s h C ommonw ealth ?

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ ami abl y p o mp o us ] From
i t s ca p ital madam
, .

T HE WOMAN F r om B a g h dad ?
.

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN Y es You may no t be

. .

aware m adam t h at th es e i sland s w ere onc e t h e c ent re

, ,

of th e B riti sh C o mmonw e alth du rin g a p eriod now ,

k nown as T h e E xil e T h ey w e re i ts h eadqua rt ers a

.

th ou s and y e a rs ag o Few p eopl e k now t h i s int eres tin g

.

ci r cum stanc e now ; but I a s s u re you it i s t ru e I h av e .

com e h ere on a p iou s p il g rima g e t o o ne of th e num erou s

land s of my fat h ers W e are o f th e s am e s tock you
.
,

and I B lood i s th ick er t h an wat er W e are cou s in s

. . .

T HE WOMAN I do not und ers tand You s ay you

. .

h av e com e h ere on a p iou s p il g rima g e I s t h at s om e .

n ew m e an s of t ran s p o rt ?

T H E EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ ag ai n s hewi ng s i g ns o f

d i s tres s ] I find it v ery di fficult to ma k e my s elf und er

s too d h ere I was not ref errin g to a mach ine but to a
.
,

a — a s entim ental j o u rn ev .

T HE WO MAN I am afraid I am as much in th e da rk

.
A ct I T rag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 1 59

as b efo re You s aid al s o th at blo o d i s th ic k er t h an

.

wat er N o d oubt it i s ; but wh at O f it ?

.

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I t s m eanin g i s Obviou s

. .

T HE WOMAN .P er fectly B ut I a s s u re you I am

.

q uit e awa r e t h at bl o od i s t h ick er t h an wat er .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ sn i ffi n g al mo s t i n tears

ag ai n ] W e will l eav e it at t h at madam , .

T H E WOMAN [ g o i ng nearer t o h i m an d s c ru ti ni z i n g

h i m wi th s o me c on cern ] I am afr aid you are not w ell .

Were you not wa rn ed th at it i s dan g erou s f o r sh o rtliv ed

p pe o l e to com e t o t hi s count ry ? T h ere i s a d eadl y

di s ea s e call ed di s cou ra g em ent a g ain s t wh ich sh o rtliv ed

,

e o p l e h av e to ta k e v ery s t r ict r e caution s Int er cou rs e

p p .

with us p ut s t oo g r eat a s t rain on th em .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ p u l l i n g h i ms el f t og eth er

h ufii l y ] It h as no eff ect on m e madam
’
I fe a r my con
, .

v ers ation do es not int eres t you If not th e rem edy i s in .

,

you r own h and s .

T HE WOMAN [ l o o k i n g at h er h an d s and th en l oo k i n g ,

i nqui ri n g l y at h i m] W h er e ?
T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ break i n g d o wn ] O h t h i s ,

i s dre adful .N o under s tandin g no int elli g enc e no s ym , ,

at y —
p h [ h i s s o b s c h o k e h i m ] .

THE WO MAN You s ee you are ill

.
, .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ n erv ed b y i n d i g n ati o n ] I

am not ill I h ave n ev er h ad a day s illn es s in my life
.
’
.

THE WOMAN M ay I advi s e y o u ?

.

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I h av e n o n eed O f a lady .

docto r t h ank you m adam

, , .

T HE WOMAN [ s h ak i n g h er h ead ] I am afraid I do not

unders tand I s aid noth in g about a butt erfly
. .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN W ell I s aid nothin g .

,

about a butt erfly .

THE WOMAN You s po k e O f a lad y docto r T he wo rd

. .

i s k nown h er e only as t h e nam e of a butt erfly .

1 60 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P a t IVr

TH E EL D ERLY GEN T LEMAN [ i ns anel y ] I g iv e up I .

can b ea r t h i s no lon g er It i s e a si er to g o out of my

.

mind at onc e [ H e.r i s e s an d d anc es ab o u t

g g]
sin in , .

I d b e a butt erfly b o rn in a bo w er
’
, ,

M a k in g a pp l e dump lin g s with out any flOur .

T H E WOMAN [ s mi l i ng g rav el y ] It mu s t b e at l ea s t a
h undr ed and fifty y ea r s s inc e I la s t lau g h ed B ut if you .

do t h at any mo re I sh all c ert ainly bre ak out li k e a

p r ima r y o f s ixty You r d re s s
. i s s o e xt r ao r dina r ily
r idiculou s .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ h al tin g abrup tl y i n hi s

an ti c s ] M y d res s ridi culou s ! I may not b e d res s ed li k e a
F o rei g n Offic e cl erk ; but my cloth es are p erf ectly in
fa s h ion in my nativ m et ro p oli s wh ere you rs p a rdon
e — ,

my s ayin g s o would be con s id ered ext rem ely unu s ual

—

and h a rdly d e c ent .

T HE WOMAN D ec ent ? T h ere i s no s uch wo rd in o u r

.

lan g ua g e Wh at do es it m ean ?
.

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN It would not b e d e c ent .

f o r m e to exp lain D ec ency cannot b e di s cu s s ed wit h out

.

indec ency .

THE WO M AN I cannot und ers tand you at all I fea r

. .

you h av e not b een Ob servin g th e rul es l aid do wn f o r

s h o rtliv ed vi s ito rs .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN S u rely madam t hey do .

, ,

not a pply to pe rs on s of my ag e and s tandin g I am .

not a ch ild n or an a gricultu ral labo rer

, .

THE WOMAN [ s ev erel y ] T h ey a pply to you v ery

s t rictly. You are exp ect ed to confin e you rs elf to th e
s o ci ety O f c h ild ren und er s ixty You are ab s olut ely f o r
.

hi d den t o a pp roach fully adult nativ es und er any c i r

s u m stan c e s You canno t conv ers e with p ers on s of my
.

ag e f o r lon g wi th out b rin g in g on a dan g erou s attac k of

( fi s c o u rag em en t D o you re ali z e th at you are al ready

.
1 62 T r ag edy o f an E l d erly G en tl em an Pa t IV
r

and A rchwol og i c al S oci ety and a Vice P res id ent of the

,
-

T r av ell er s C l ub
’
.

THE WOMAN A ll th at do es not matt er

. .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ ag ai n s no r ti ng ] Hm !

Ind eed
TH E WO M AN H av e you b een s ent h er e to m ak e you r
.

mind fl exibl e ?
THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN W h at an e xt rao rdina ry .

q u es tion ! P ray do you find my mind notic eably s ti ff ?

THE WOMAN P erh ap s you do not k now th at you are

.

on th e w es t c o a s t of I reland and t h at it i s th e pr actic e

,

amon g natives of th e E as t ern I sland to s p end s om e y ea rs

h ere t o ac qui re m ental fl exibility T h e climat e h as t h at .

eff e ct .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ h aug h til y ] I was bo rn ,

not in E a s t ern I s land but t h ank God in d ea r old

, , ,

B riti sh B a g h dad ; and I am not in n eed of a m ental

h e al th res o r t .

THE WOMAN T h en why are you h ere ?

.

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN A m I t resp a s s in g ? I .

w as not awa re of it .

T HE WOMAN T res p a s s in g ? I do not und ers tand t h e

.

wo rd .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I s th i s lan d p rivat e .

p pr o erty .If s o I m a k e no, claim I p r o ff er a s h illin

g .

in sati s faction of dama g e ( if any ) and am ready t o ,

wi th draw if you will b e g o od e nou g h to s h ew me th e

n ea res t way [ H e o ff ers h er a s h i l l i ng ]
. .

T HE WOMAN [ tak i ng i t an d exami n i ng i t wi th ou t muc h

i n teres t ] I do no t und ers tand a s in g l e wo rd of w h at you
h av e j u s t s aid .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I am s p eakin g th e plain .

es t E n li sh A e you th e landlo rd ?
g r.

T H E WOMAN [ s hak i n g h er h ead ] T h ere i s a t r adition

i f th i s p a rt o f th e co unt ry o f an animal wi th a nam e li k e
A ct I T rag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 1 63

th at It u s ed to b e h unt ed and sh ot i n t he ba rba rou s

.

a g es It i s quit e extinct now

. .

T H E EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ b reak i n g d o wn ag ai n ] It

i s a d re adful th in g to b e in a count ry w h e re nobody
und ers tand s civiliz e d in s titution s [ H e c o l l ap s es o n the
.

b o l l ard s trug g l i n g wi th h i s r i s i n g s o b s ]
, E xcu s e m e. .

Hay fev er .

T H E WOMAN [ tak i n g a tu n i n k ro m he r i dl
g f o r f g r e
-

and h o l di ng i t to h er ear ; th en sp eak i ng i n to s p ac e o n

one n o te, l i k e a c h o ri s ter i n to n i ng a p s al m ] E n t rin P i er

G alway p l e a s e s end s om eon e to tak e c h a rg e o f a d i s

c o u rag ed s h or tl i v er wh o h as e s c a p ed f rom h i s nu rs e mal e

h a rml es s babbl es unint elli g ibly with mom ent s of s en se

d i s t re s se d h y s t erical fo rei g n d re s s v ery funny h as
cu riou s f r in g e of wh it e s ea w ee d und er h i s c h in
-

T H E EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN T hi s i s a g ro s s i mp erti.

A n in s ult
n en c e. .

THE WO MAN [ rep l ac i ng h er tun i n g f ork and ad dres s -

i ng the el d erl y g en tl em an ] T h es e wo r d s m e an not h in g to

me . In Wh at ca p acity are you h ere ? H ow did you
obtain p ermi s sion to vi s it u s ?
T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ i mp o r tan tl y ] O ur P ri m e
M ini s ter , M r B ad g er B l u eb i n , h as com e to con s ult th e
o racl e He i s my s o n
. W e are accom p ani ed by
-
i n —law .

hi s wif e and dau g h t er : my dau g h t er and g r anddau g h t er .

I m ay m ention t h at G en eral A u f s t ei g wh o i s o n e of o ur
!
,

a rty i s really t h e E m p ero r o f T u r ania t rav ellin g i n

p ,

co g nito I unders tand h e h as a qu es tion to p ut to th e

.

o racl e info rmally I h ave com e so l ely to vi s it th e

.

count ry .

T HE WOMAN W hy sh ould you com e to a plac e wh ere

.

you h av e no bu sin e s s ?
THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN G reat H eav en s madam . , ,

can anyth i n g b e more natu ral ? I sh all b e t h e only

1 64 Trag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an P art I V
m emb er of th e T ravell ers Club wh o h as s e t foo t on th es e
’

s h o r es .T h in k of th at ! M y p o s ition will b e uniqu e .

THE WOMAN I s th at an advanta g e ? W e h ave a

.

e r s on h ere wh o h as lo s t bot h l e s in an accid ent H i

p g s .

p o s ition i s uni u e
q B ut h e would much r at h er be li k e
.

ev eryon e el s e .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN T h i s i s madd enin g . .

T here i s no analo g y w h at ev er b etw een th e two ca s es .

THE WOMAN T h ey are both uniqu e

. .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN C onv ers ation in th i s .

p lac e s eem s to con s i s t of ridiculou s qu ibbl es I a m .

h ea rtily ti red of t h em .

THE WOMAN I conclude t h at you r T rav ell ers C lub

.
’

i s an a s s embly of p ers on s wh o wi sh to b e abl e to s ay t h at

th ey h av e been in s ome plac e wh ere nobody el s e has b een .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN O f cou rs e if you wi sh to .

s n ee r at u s

THE WOMAN Wh at i s sn eer ? .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ wi th a wi l d s ob ] I sh all

d rown my s elf .

H e mak es d esp erat el y f or th e edg e o f th e p i er b u t i s ,

c on f ron ted by man wi th th e n umb er on e o n h i s c ap

a ,

wh o c o mes up th e s tep s an d i n terc ep ts h i m He i s .

d ress ed l i k e t he wo man ; b u t a s li g h t mo us t ac he p ro
c l ai m s h i s s ex .

THE MAN [ to th e eld erl y g en tl eman ] A h h ere you are , .

I s hall really h av e to p ut a co llar and l ead on you if you

s i s t in ivin g m e t h e s li li k e t h i s
p er g p .

THE WOMAN A re you t h i s s t ran g er s nu rs e ?

.
’

THE MAN Y es I am v ery ti red of h i m If I t ak e

. . .

my ey es o ff hi m f o r a mom ent h e run s away and tal k s ,

to ev erybody .

THE WOMAN [ af ter tak i n g o ut her tunin g f o rk an d -

s oun d i n g i t i n ton es as b ef o re] D u rrin P i e r

, W a sh out . .

[ S h e
p u t s u
p t h e f o rk an d ad d r es ses th e m an ]
, I sent .
1 66 T rag edy o f an E ld erl y G en tl em an Pa t IV
r

b ol l ard ] O h ! I cannot be a r t h es e unnatu ral a rr an g e

m ent s .

T HE MAN [ i mp ati en t and hel p l es s ] You sh oul dnt h ave

com e amon g u s T h i s i s no p lac e f o r you
. .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ nerv ed by i nd i g n at i o n ]

M ay I as k wh y ? I am a Vic e P res id ent of th e -

T r av ell ers C l ub
’
I h av e b een ev erywh ere : I h old th e
.

reco r d in t h e C lub f o r civiliz ed count ri es .

T HE MAN Wh at i s a civiliz ed count ry ?

.

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN —
It s w ell it i s a
i .
,

civiliz ed count ry [ D es p eratel y ] I dont k now : I — I

.

I — I s h all g o mad if you k eep on a sk in g m e to t ell you

thes e th in g s th at ev erybody know s C ount ri es wh ere .

you can t rav el comfo rtably Wh ere t h ere are g ood .

h ot el s . E xcu s e m e ; but th ou gh you s ay you are nin ety

,

fou r you ar e wo rs e com p any th an a c h ild of fi v e with

,

you r et ernal qu es tion s W hy not call me D addy at

.

onc e ?
THE M AN I did n o t know you r nam e was D addy
. .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN M y name i s Jo s eph P O p

.

h am B ol g e B l ueb i n B a rlow O M , . .

T HE M A N T h at i s fi v e m en s nam es
. D addy i s ’
.

s h o r t er A nd O M will not do h ere It i s o ur nam e f o r

. . . .

c ertain wild c reatu res d es c endant s of th e abo ri g inal i n

,

h abitant s of th i s coa s t T h ey u s e d to b e call ed th e

.

O M ull i g an s
’
W e will s tick to D addy
. .

THE EL D ERLY GEN T LEMAN P eop l e will th ink I am .

you r fath er .

T H E MAN [ s ho ck ed ] S h sh ! P eopl e h ere n ev er allud e

-

to s uch relation sh ip s It i s not quit e d elicat e i s it ?

.
,

Wh at do es it matt er wh eth er you are my fat h er o r n ot ?

THE EL D ERLY GEN T LEMAN M y wo rth y nona g ena rian .

fri end : you r faculti es are totally d ecay ed C ould you .

not find m e a g uid e of my own ag e ?

THE MAN A youn g p ers on ?
.
A ct I T rag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 1 67

THE EL D ER LY GENTLEMAN C er tainly not I canno t

. .

o about wit h a youn e rs on

g g p .

THE MAN W hy ? .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN W hy ! W hy ! !
.

H av e you no mo ral s en s e ?
T HE MAN I s hall h av e to g iv e you up I cannot
. .

unders tand you .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN B ut you m eant a youn g

.

woman didnt you ?

,

THE MAN I m eant s im p ly s om ebody of you r own

.

ag e . Wh at di ff erenc e do es it ma k e wh et h er th e p ers on
i s a man o r a woman ?
THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I could not h av e b eli ev ed
.

in the exi s t e nc e of s uch s candalou s in s en s ibility to th e

el em entary d ece nci e s of h uman int er cou rs e .

THE MAN Wh at are d ec enci es ?

.

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ s hri ek i ng ] E v eryon e a sk s

me t h at .

T HE MAN [ tak i ng o u t a tun i ng f o rk and us i ng i t as

-

th e wo ma n did ] Z o z i m on Du rr in P i er to Zoo E n n i s ty
mon I h av e found th e di s cou ra g ed s h o rtl i v er h e h as be en
tal k in g to a s e conda ry and i s much wo rs e I am t oo old h e
i s a sk in g f o r s om eon e of h i s own ag e o r youn g er com e if
you can [ H e p u ts u p h i s f o rk and turns to th e E l derl y
G
.

en tl em an ] . Zoo i s a g i rl of fifty and r at h er ch ildi sh

,

a t t h at S O pe rh a p s s h e may ma k e you h ap p y
. .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN M a k e m e h appy ! A.

blu es toc k in g of fifty ! T h ank you .

THE MAN B lu es toc k in g ? T h e eff o r t to m ak e out

.

yo u r m eanin g i s fati g uin g B es id e s you are tal k in g

.
,

too mu c h to m e : I am O l d enou g h to di s cou ra g e you L et .

u s b e s il ent until Zoo com es [ H e tu rns hi s b ac k on th e

G
.

E l d erl y en t le man an d s i t s d o wn on the ed e th e

,
g o f
i er wi th h i s l eg s d an g l i n g o v er t h e water ]
p , .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTL EMAN . C er tai n ly . I h av e no

1 68 T r ag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an Pa t IV
r

wi sh to fo rc e my conv ers ation o n any man wh o doe s not

d es i re it P erh ap s you w o ul d li k e to ta k e a n ap If s o
. .
,

r ay do not s tand on c e r emony

p .

THE MAN Wh at i s a n ap ? .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ exasp erated g oi n g to hi m

an d s eak i n g wi th
p g re at
p rec i s i o n an d d i s ti nc tne s s
] A
na
p , my f ri end i s a b ri ef
p e r iod of s l ee
, p w h ich ov er

ta k es s up erannuat ed p e rs on s wh en th ey e ndeavo r t o
e nt er tain unw elcom e vi s ito rs o r to li s t en to s ci entific l e c

tu res S l eep S l eep [ B awl i n g i n to h i s ear ] S l eep

. . . .

THE MAN I t ell you I am n early a s econda ry I

. .

n ev er s l eep .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ awes truc k ] G o od

II eav en s !
A yo un g wo man wi t h th e n u mb er one o n h er c apg
arri v es by l and S he l o o k s no o lde r th an S av v y B ar
.

n ab as , wh o m s he s o me wh at res em bl e s l o o k ed a t h o u sa n d,

y e a r
f
s b e o re Y o u n g er
. , i f an y th i n
g .

THE Y OUNG WOMAN I s t h i s th e p ati ent ? .

THE MAN [ s c ram bl i n g up ] T h i s i s Zoo [ T o Z o o ] . .

C all h i m D addy .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ v eh emen tl y ] N o .

THE MAN [ i g no ri n g the i n terrup ti o n ] B les s you f o r

ta k in g h i m o ff my h and s ! I h av e had as mu ch of h i m as
I can b ea r [H e g o es d o wn th e s tep s and d i s app ears ]
. .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ i ron i c all y t ak i n g o ff h i s

h at an d m ak i n g a s weep i n g b o w f ro m th e edg e of th e
i er i n th e d i rec t i o n o f t h e A tl an tic O c ean ] G ood aft er
p
noon , s i r ; and t h an k you v ery much f o r you r ext rao rdi
na ry po lit en es s , you r exqui s it e con s id eration f o r my
feelin g s , you r cou rtly ma nn ers T h ank you fro m th e .

bottom o f my h ea rt [ Cl app i ng hi s hat on ag ai n ] P i g !

.

A ss !
zo o [ l aug hs v ery heartil y at hi m
THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ tu rn i n g s h arp l y o n her]
1 70 Trag edy o f an E ld e rly G en tl em an P art I V
about t h at . It s ound s quit e p re tty . D amm i tm ad d am ,
d ammi tm add am , d ammi tm ad d an , d am mi tmadd am S ay .

it as o ft en as you p l ea s e : I li k e it .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ exp and i ng wi th i n ten s e

r el i e ] B l es s you f o r t h o s e p rofan e but familia r wo rd s !
f
T h an k you th an k y ou F o r th e fi r s t tim e s inc e I land e d
, .

in t h i s t erribl e co unt ry I beg in to f eel at h om e T h e .

s t r ain w hi c h was d rivin g m e mad r elax es : I f eel almo s t

as if I w ere at th e club E xcu s e my tak in g th e only

.

availabl e s eat : I am not s o youn g as I was [ H e s i t s o n .

the b o l l ard ] P r omi s e m e t h at y o u will n o t h and m e

.

ov er to o n e of th es e d readful t ertia ri es o r s econda ri es o r

wh at ever you call th em .

z oo .N ev er fe a r T h ey h ad no bu sin es s to g ive you

.

in ch a rg e to Z oz i m You s ee h e i s j u s t on th e v erg e of
.

b e comin g a s econda ry ; and th es e ad ol es c ent s will g iv e

th em s elves t h e ai rs of t er tia r i es You natu r ally f eel .

mo re at h om e with a fla pp er lik e me [S h e mak es h er .

s el f c o m o rtab l e o n
f th e s ac k s ] .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN Flapp er ? Wh at do es .

t h at m ean ?
z oo It i s an a rch aic wo rd wh ich we s till u se t o
.

d es c rib e a femal e who i s no lon g er a g i rl and i s not y et

quit e adult .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN A v ery a g ree abl e ag e t o .

a s s ociat e with I find I am r ecov erin g r a p idly I h av e

, . .

a s en se of blo ss omin g lik e a flow er M ay I ask your .

nam e ?
z oo Zoo
. .

T H E EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN M i s s Z oo . .

zo o N ot M i s s Zoo Zoo
. . .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN P reci sely —

E r Zo o . .

wh at ?
z oo N o N ot Zoo Wh at Zoo N oth in g but Z oo
. . . . .
Act I Trag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 171

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ p u z z le d ] M rs Z oo ,
perh a p s .

zo o N o Zoo C ant you catc it Zoo

. . . h ? .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN O f cou rs e B eli ev e me I

. .
,

did not really th in k you w ere m a rri ed : you are obviou sly
too youn g ; but h e it i s so h a d to f l u
e r r e e s re — er

z o o [ h o ele s s l u z z l ed ] W h at ?
p yp
T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN M a rria g e ma k es a dif
.

f erenc e you k now O n e can s ay t h in g s to a ma rri ed

, .

lady t hat wo ul d p erh a p s b e in qu es tionabl e ta s te to any

o ne wit h out t h at ex p eri enc e .

z oo . You are g ettin g out of my d ep th : I dont und er

s tand a wo r d you are s ayin g M a rr i ed and qu es tionabl e
.

t a s t e conv ey not hi n g to m e S to p t h ou gh
.
, I s ma r r i ed .

an old fo rm of th e wo rd moth ered ?

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN Very li k ely L et u s d ro p
. .

t h e s ubj ect P a rdon me f o r emba rra s s in g you

. I .

s h ould not h av e m ention ed it .

z oo. Wh at do es emba rr a s s in g m e an ?
THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN W ell really ! I sh ould .
,

ha v e t h ou g h t t h at s o natu r al and common a condition

Would be und ers too d as lon g as h uman natu re la s t ed T o .

e mb a r r a s s i s to b rin g a blu sh to t h e c h eek .

z oo . W h at i s a blu sh ?
THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ amaz ed ] D ont you
blu s h ?
z oo . N ev er h ea rd of it W e h av e a wo rd flu sh
.
,

meanin g a ru s h of blood to th e s k in I h av e notic ed it

.

in my babi es but not aft er th e ag e of two

, .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN You r babi es ! . I f ea r

I am t readin g on v ery d elicat e g round ; b ut you r a p p ea r
anc e i s ext rem ely youth ful ; and if I may ask h o w
many
z oo. O nly fou r as yet It i s a l o n g bu s in es s wit h
.
1 72 T rag edy o f an E ld erl y G en tl em an P a t IVr

us . I s p ecializ e i n babi es My fi rs t was s uc h a s ucc es s.

t h at t hey mad e me g o on I .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ reel i n g on th e b o l l ard ]

O h d ea r !
z oo W h at s th e matt er ? A nythi n g w ron g ?
.

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN In H eav en s nam e .

’
,

madam h o w O l d are you ?

,

zo o Fi f ty s i x
.
-

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN M y kn ees are t remblin g . .

I fea r I am really ill N ot s o youn g as I was . .

z oo I notic ed t h at you are not s tron g on you r l eg s

.

y et . You h av e many of th e way s and w e a k n e s s e s of a

baby N o doubt t h at i s why I feel call ed on to moth er

.

you You c ertainly are a v ery s illy littl e D addy

. .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ s t i mul ated by i n d i g n a

ti on ] M y nam e I rep e at i s Jo s eph P o ph am B ol g e B lu e
, ,

bin B a rlow O M , . .

zo o W h at a ridicul o u s ly lon g nam e ! I cant call

.

you all t h at W h at did you r mot h er call you ?

.

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN You recall th e bitt eres t .

s t ru l es of m c h ild h ood I w a s s en s itiv e on t h e oint

gg y .
p .

C h ild ren s uff er g reatly from ab s u rd nick nam es M y .

moth er t h ou g h tl es s ly call ed m e I d dy T o o dl es I w as .

call ed I ddy until I w ent to s ch ool wh en I mad e by fi rs t ,

s tand f o r c h ild r en s ri g h t s by in s i s tin g on b ein call d

’
g e

at l ea s t Jo e A t fift een I refu s ed t o an s w er to anyth in g

.

s h o r t er t h an Jo s ep h A t ei g h t een I di s cov ered t h at th e

.

nam e Jo s eph was s u pp o s ed to indicat e an unmanly

p r ud ery b e cau s e of s om e old s to ry about a Jo s ep h wh o

rej e ct ed t h e advanc es of h i s em ploy er s wife : v ery ’

o erly in my o p inion I t h en be cam e P o h am to my

p pr .
p
family and intimat e fri end s and M i s t er B a rlow to th e ,

res t of t h e wo rld M y moth er sli pp ed back to I ddy

.

wh en h er facul ti es b eg an to fail h er p oo r woman ; but I ,

could not res ent th at at h er ag e , .

1 7 4s T rag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art IV
the s unn ev er s et my ey es fill wit h t ea r s : my h e a r t
,

bu rs t s wit h emotion : I f eel th at to h av e liv ed but to th e

dawn of manh ood in th ei r day and t h e n di ed f o r t h em , ,

would h ave b een a nobl er and h app i er lot t h an th e i g n o ~

miniou s e a s e of my p res ent lon g evity .

z o o L on g evity ! [S h e l aug h s ]
. .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN Y es madam relativ e

.
, ,

lon g evity A s it i s I h av e to b e cont en t and p r oud to

.
,

k now t h at I am d es c e nd ed f r om both t h o s e h er o es .

z oo . You mu s t b e d es c end e d fr om ev ery B riton wh o

was aliv e in t h ei r tim e D ont you k now th at ?
.

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN D o not quibbl e madam .

, .

I h ear t h ei r nam es B ol g e and B l ueb i n ; and I h o p e I

,

h av e inh erit ed s om et h in g of th ei r ma Jes ti c s p i rit W ell .

,

t h ey w ere bo rn in t h es e i sland s I r ep eat t h es e i s land s

.
,

w ere t h en inc redibl e as it n o w se em s th e c ent r e of t h e

, ,

B riti sh E mp i re Wh en t h at c ent re sh ifted to B a g h dad

.
,

and t h e E n g li sh man at la s t retu rn ed to th e t ru e c radl e

of hi s r ac e in M es o p otamia th e w es t ern i sland s w ere
,

ca s t o ff as t h ey h ad b een b efo re by th e R oman E mp i re

, .

B ut it was to th e B r iti sh r ac e and in th es e i slands t h a t

, ,

th e g re at es t mi racl e in h i s to ry occu rr ed .

zo o M i r acl e ?
.

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN Y es : th e fi rs t man to liv e

.

t h ree h und red y e a rs was an E n g li sh man T h e fi rs t t h at .

,

i s s inc e th e cont em p o r a ri e s of M e t h u s elah

, .

z oo . O h t h at !
,

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN Y es th at as you call it

.
, ,

s o fli p p an tl y A r e you awa re madam t h at at t h at

.
, ,

immo rtal mom ent th e E n g li s h r ac e h ad lo s t int ell ectual

c redit to s uch an e xt ent t h at t h ey h abitually s p o k e of
o n e anoth er a s f ath ead s ? Y et E n g land i s now a s ac red
rov e to wh ic h s tat es m en f r om all ov er th e ea r t h c o m e to
g
con s ult E n g li sh s a g e s wh o s p e ak with th e ex p eri enc e of
two and a h alf c entu ri es of life T h e land t h at onc e .
A ct I T rag e dy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 1 75

e xp o rt ed c otton s h i rt s and h a rdwa re now exp o r t s

not h in g but wi s dom You s ee b efo re you madam a
.
, ,

man utt erly w ea ry of th e w eek en d riv e rs id e h ot el s of -

th e E up h rat es t h e min s t rel s and p i err ot s on th e s and s

,

o f th e P er s ian G ulf th e t obo g g an s and funicula rs of

,

t h e H indo o K oo s h C an you wond er th at I tu rn with

.
,

a hun g ry h ea rt to th e my s t ery and be auty of t h es e

,

h aunt ed i s land s t h r on g e d with sp e ct re s fr om a ma g i c

,

p a st
, mad e h oly by t h e foot s t e s of t h e wi s e m en of
p
t h e W es t C on s id er t h i s i sland on w h ic h w e s tand th e
.
,

la s t footh old of man on th i s s id e of t h e A tlantic : t h i s

I reland d es c rib ed by t h e e a rli e s t b a rd s as an em erald
,

g e m s et in a s ilv er s e a ! C an I a s cion of th e illu

,
s t r iou s

B riti sh r ac e ever fo rg et th at w h en th e E m p i re t ran s

,

ferred i ts s eat to th e E a s t and s aid to th e tu rbul ent I ri sh

,

rac e w h ic h it h ad o p p res s e d but n e v e r conqu er ed

“ At ,

la s t we l eav e you to you r s elv es ; and much g ood may it

”
do you th e I ri s h as o n e man utt er ed th e h i s to ric sh ou t
,

N o : w e ll b e damn ed if you do and emi g rat ed to t h e

’ ”
,

c o untr i es w h ere th ere was s till a N ationali s t qu es tion to ,

India P ers ia and C o re a to M o r occo T uni s and

, , , , ,

T ri p oli . In th es e count ri es t h ey w ere ever fo r emo s t in

t h e s t ru g g l e f o r national ind ep end enc e ; and th e wo rld
ran g c ontinually wit h th e s to ry of t h ei r s u ff erin s and
g
w ron g s A nd w h at p o em can do j u s tic e to th e en d w h en
.
,

it cam e at la s t ? H a rd ly two h und red y ea rs h ad elap s ed

when th e claim s of nationality w er e s o univers ally con
ce d ed th at th ere was no lon g er a s in g l e count ry on th e
fac e of th e e a r th with a national g r i evanc e o r a national
m ov em ent T h ink o f th e p o s ition of th e I ri s h wh o h ad
.
,

lo s t all t h ei r p olitical faculti es by di s u s e exc ep t th at of

n ationali s t a g itation and wh o o w ed t h ei r p o s ition as
,

th e mo s t int eres tin g r ac e on e a r t h s ol ely to t h ei r s u ff er

i n g s ! T h e v ery count ri e s t h ey h ad h el p ed to s et free
boycott ed the m as intol er abl e bo res T h e communiti es .
1 76 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art I V
w hich h ad onc e idoliz ed t h em as th e inca r nation of all
t h at i s adorabl e in th e wa rm h ea r t and witty b rain fled ,

from t h em as f r om a p es til enc e T o r eg ain t heir lo s t

.

res ti g e th e I ri s h claim e d t h e city of J eru s al em on th e

p , ,

r ound t h at t h ey w ere th e lo s t t rib es of I s r a el ; but on

g
t h ei r app roach t h e J ews abandon ed t h e city and redi s
t ribut e d t h em s elv es t h rou g h out E u r o p e It was t h en
.

t h at th es e d evot ed I ri sh m en not o n e of wh om h ad ev er
,

s e en I reland w ere c oun s ell ed by an E n li s h A r c h bi s h o

, g p ,

th e fat h e r of th e o r acl es to g o bac k to t h ei r own coun

,

try . T h i s h ad n ev er onc e o ccu rre d to t h em b ecau s e ,

th ere was noth in g to p rev ent t h em and nobody to fo rbid

t h em . T h ey j um p ed at th e su g g es tion T h ey land ed
. .

h ere : h er e in G alway B ay on t h i s v ery g round

, Wh en.

t h ey reach ed th e s h o re t h e old er men and wom en flun g

th em s elv es down and p a s s ionate ly ki s s ed th e s oil of I re
land callin g o u th e youn g to emb r ac e th e e a r t h th at
,

h ad bo rn e t h ei r anc es to rs B ut t h e youn g look ed

.

loomily on and s aid “T h ere i s no e a r t h only s ton e

g , , .

You wi l l s ee by loo k in g round you wh y th ey s aid th at

th e fi eld s h ere are of s ton e : th e h ill s ar e ca pp ed with
r anit e T h ey all l e ft f o r E n g land n ext day ; and no
g .

Iri sh man ev er a g ain confes s ed of b ein g Ir i sh ev en to ,

h i s own ch ild ren ; s o t h at wh en t h at g en er ation p a ssed

away th e I ri sh r a c e vani sh ed fr o m human k nowl edg e .

A nd th e di s p er s ed J ew s did th e s am e l es t th ey s h ould
b e s ent back to P al es tin e S inc e t h en th e wo rld b ereft
.
,

of i ts Jew s and i t s I ri sh h as b een a tam e dull plac e I s

, .

th ere no p ath o s f o r you in th i s s to ry ? C an you n o t

und ers tand n o w wh y I am co m e to vi s it th e s c en e of th i s
t ra g ic effa c em ent of a rac e of h ero es and p o et s ?
z oo .W e s till t ell o u r littl e ch ild ren s to ri es lik e t h at ,

to h el p th em to und ers tand B ut such th in g s do n ot

.

h a pp en really T h at s c en e of th e I ri sh landin g h ere and

.

ki s s in g th e g round mi g h t h av e h a p pen ed to a hu nd red

1 78 T rag edy of an E ld erl y Gen tl em an P art I V

in my blo od and s odium and ca rbon in my fl esh I t h an k

, .

t hem f o r th e info rmation and t ell th em t h a t t here are

,

blac k b eetl es in my k itc h en wa sh in g s od a in my laundry

, ,

and coal in my c ella r I do not deny t h ei r exi st enc e ; but

.

I k eep t h em in t h ei r p rop er plac e wh ich i s not if I may, ,

b e allow ed to us e an anti quat ed fo rm of ex p res s ion th e ,

t empl e of th e H oly G h o s t N o doubt you t h ink m e b e

.

h ind th e tim es b ut I r ej oic e in my e nli g h t enm ent ; and I

recoil fr om you r i g no r anc e you r bl i ndn e s s
, you r imb e ,

c i l i ty
. Humanly I p ity you Int ell ectually I d es p i s e
.

you .

z oo .B ravo D addy ! You h av e th e r oo t of th e matt er

,

in you You will not di e of di s cou ra g em ent aft er all

. .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I h av e not t h e s mall es t i n

.

t ention of doin g s o madam I am no lon g er youn g ;

, .

and I h av e mom ent s of w ea k n es s ; but wh en I app r oach

t hi s subj e ct th e divin e s p a rk in m e k indl es and g low s ,

th e co rru p tibl e b e com es inco rru p tibl e and th e mo rtal ,

B ol g e B l ueb i n B a rlow p ut s on immo rtality O n th i s .

r oun d I am you r equal ev en if you s u rv iv e m e by t en

g ,

t hou s and y ea rs .

z oo .Y es : but wh at do we k now about th i s b reath of

life t h at p u ff s you up s o exalt edl y ? Ju s t noth in g S o .

l et u s sh a k e h and s as cultivat ed A g no s tic s and c h an g e ,

th e s ubj ect .

T HE EL D ERLY G ENTLEMA N C ultivat ed fidd l esti ck s

.
,

madam ! You c annot ch an g e th i s s ubj ect until th e

h eav en s and th e e a rt h p a s s away I am not an A g no s tic
.

I am a g entl eman Wh en I b eli ev e a t hin g I s ay I b eli ev e

.

it : wh en I dont b eli ev e it I s ay I dont b eli eve it I do .

not s h i rk my resp on s ibiliti es by p ret endin g th at I know

noth in g and th erefo re can b eli ev e noth in g W e cannot .

di s claim k nowl ed g e and sh i rk res p on s ibility W e mu s t .

r oc ee d on a s s um p tion s of s om e s o r t o r we cannot fo r m
p
a h uman s oci e ty .
A ct I T rage dy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an 1 79

z oo . a s sump tion s mu s t b e s ci entific D addy W e

T he , .

mu s t live by sc i enc e in th e lon g run .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I h av e th e utmo s t res p e ct .

,

m adam f o r th e ma g nific ent di s cov er i es wh ic h we owe to

,

s ci enc e B ut any fo ol can ma k e a di s cov ery E v e ry baby

. .

h as t o di s cov er mo re in th e fi rs t y ea rs of i t s lif e t h an
R o g er B acon ever d i s cov ered in hi s labo r ato ry W hen I .

was s ev en y e a rs old I di s cov ered th e s tin g of th e wa s p .

B ut I do not as k you to wo rsh ip me on t h at account I .

a ss u re you madam th e m eres t m edioc riti es can di s cov er

, ,

th e mos t s u rp r i s in g fact s abo ut th e ph y s ical univ ers e as

s oon as th ey are civiliz e d enou h to h av e tim e to s tudy
g
t h es e t h in g s and to inv ent in s t rum ent s an d a p p a ratu s
,

f o r res ea r c h B ut w h at i s th e con s equ enc e ? T h ei r d i s

.

c o v eri es di s c redit th e s im p l e s to ri es of o u r r eli g ion At .

fi rs t we h ad no id ea o f a st ronomical sp ac e W e b eli eved .

t h e s k y to b e only th e c eilin g of a r oom as la rg e as th e

e a rth wit h anoth er r o o m on t o
, p of it D e at h w as to u s .

a g oin g up s tai rs into th at r oom or if we did not ob ey , ,

t h e p r i es t s g oin g down s tai rs into th e coal c ella r

, We .

found ed o ur reli g ion o ur mo rality o ur law s o ur l es s on s

, , , ,

o ur
p o em s o u r p r ay ers
, on t h at s im l e b eli e f
, p W ell .
,

t h e mom ent m en b ecam e a s t r onom ers and mad e t el e

s co es t h ei r b eli e f p er i sh ed
p , W h en t h ey could no lon e r
.
g
b el i ev e i n th e sk y t h ey found t h at t h ey could no lon g er
'

beli ev e in th ei r D eity b ecau s e t h ey h ad alway s th ou gh t

,

of h im as livin g in t h e sk y Wh en th e p ri est s th em s elves

.

c ea s ed to beli ev e in t h ei r D eity and b eg an to b eli eve in

a s t ronomy t h ey ch an g ed th ei r nam e and th ei r d res s and
, ,

c all ed th em s elv es doctors and men of s ci e nc e T h ey s et .

up a n ew reli g ion in w h ich t h er e was no D eity but only ,

wond ers and mi r acl es with s ci entific in s t rum ent s and

,

a pp a r atu s as th e wond er wo rk ers In s t ead of wo rs h ip .

in th reatn e s s and wi s dom of th e D e ity men a d

p g e
g g p e ,

fo oli shly at th e million billio n mil es of sp ace an d wo r

1 80 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art IV
s hi pp ed t h e a s t r onom er as infallibl e and omnis ci ent .

T h ey built t em p l es f o r h i s t el es co pe s T h en t h ey loo k e d
.

into t h ei r own bodi es with micr o s cop es , and found th ere,

not th e s oul t h ey h ad fo rm erly beli ev ed i n, but million s
of mic r o o rg ani s m s ; s o th ey g a p e d at t h es e as fooli s hly
-

as at th e million s of mi l es , and b u ilt mic r o s cop e t empl es

in w h ich h o rribl e s ac rific es w ere o ff ered T h ey ev en g av e
.

t h ei r own bodi es to b e s ac rific ed by th e mic ro s cop e man ,

wh o was wo rs h ipp ed , li k e th e a s t r onom er, as i nfallibl e
an d omni s ci e nt . T h u s o ur di s cov er i es , in st ead of i n
c rea s in g o u r wi s dom , only d es t roy ed t h e little c h ildi sh
wi s dom we h ad A ll I can g rant you i s t h at th ey i n
.

c re a s ed o ur k nowl edg e .

zo o N on s en s e ! C on s ciou sn es s of a fact i s not k nowl

.

ed e o f it : if it w er e, th e fi s h would k now mo re of th e
g
s e a t h an th e g eo g r a p h er s and t h e natu r ali s t s .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN T h at i s an ext rem ely

.

acut e r ema rk , madam T h e dull es t fi sh could not p o s

.

s i bl
y k now l es s of t h e maj es ty of th e o c ean t h an many

eo r a h er s and natu r ali s t s of my acquaintanc e

g g p .

zo o Ju s t s o A nd t h e g reat es t fool on e a r th , by
. .

m erely loo k in g at a ma rin ers comp a s s , may b e com e con

’

s ciou s of th e fact t h at t h e n eedl e tu rn s alway s to t h e

p ol e
. I s h e any th e l e s s a fool wit h th e con s ciou sn e s s

t h an h e was with out it ?

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN O nl y a mo re conc eit ed
.

o ne, madam , no doubt S till , I do not quit e s ee h o w you

.

can b e awa re of th e exi s t enc e of a t h in g with out k now

i n g it .

z oo . Well , you can s ee a man with out k nowin g h i m,

can you not ?
T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ il l u mi n ated ] O h h o w t ru e !
O f cou rs e, of cou rs e T h ere i s a m emb er of th e T rav el
.

l ers C lub wh o h as qu es tion ed th e v er acity of an exp eri

’

e n ce of min e at th e S outh P ol e I s ee th at man almo s t

.
1 82 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P a rt IV
much to p eo pl e wh o do not k now wh at th ey ar e look in g
at I t hin k t h at a m an wh o i s s an e as l on g as h e loo k s
.

at th e wo rld t h r ou g h hi s own ey es i s v ery li k ely to b e

c om e a dan erou s m ad m an if h e ta k es to loo k in g at t h e

g
wo rld t hrou g h t el es co p es and mic ro s cop es E v en wh en .

h e i s t ellin g fai ry s to ri e s about g iant s and dwa r f s t h e ,

g iant s h ad b e tt er n ot b e t oo b i g n or th e dwa r f s too s mall

an d t oo maliciou s B efo re th e mic ro s cop e cam e o u r

.
,

fai ry s to ri es only m ad e th e ch ild ren s fl es h c reep pl ea s

’

an t l y r —
and did not f ri g h t en g own up p ers on s at all
, .

B ut th e mic r o s cope men t errifi ed th em s elv es and ev ery

o n e el s e out o f t h ei r wit s with t h e invi s ibl e mon s t ers

t h ey s aw : p oo r h a rml es s littl e t h in g s th at di e at th e
touch of a ray of s un sh in e and are th em selv es th e victim s
,

of all th e di s ea s es t h ey are s up p o s ed to p roduc e ! W h at

e v e r t h e s ci entific p e o p l e may s a ima ination wit h out
y g ,

micro s co p es was k indly and oft en cou ra g eou s b ecau se ,

it wo rk ed on th in g s o f wh ich it h ad so me re al k nowl ,

ed e
g .B ut ima g ination wit h mic r o s co e s wo rk in
p g on a ,

t er rifyin g sp e ctacl e of million s of gr ot es qu e c reatu res

of wh o s e natu re it h ad no k nowl e dg e b ecam e a cru el , ,

t erro r s t rick en p ers ecutin g d eli rium A re you awa re

-

,
.
,

mad am t h at a g en eral ma s s ac re of men o f s ci enc e took

,

lac e in th e tw enty fi rs t c e ntu ry o f th e ps eudo C h r i s tian

p
- -
-

e r a w h e n all th ei r labo r ato r i e s w ere d emoli sh ed and all

, ,

t hei r a pp ar atu s d es t r oy ed ?
z oo Y es : t h e s h o rtliv ed are as s ava g e in t h ei r ad
.

vanc es as in th ei r rela p s es B ut wh en S ci enc e c rep t

.

back it h ad b een tau gh t i ts p lace T h e m ere coll ecto rs

, .

of anatomical o r ch emical fact s w ere not s u p p o s d to e

k now mo re about S ci enc e th an t h e coll ecto r of u s ed p o s t

ag e s tam s about int ernational t r ad e o r lit er atu re T h
p e .

s ci entific t er r o r i s t wh o was af raid to u s e a s p oon o r a

tumbl er until h e h ad dip t it in s om e p oi s onou s acid to

k il l th e mic rob es was no lon g er g iv en titl es p en s ion s
, , ,
Act I Tr ag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 1 83

an d mon s t r ou s po w ers ov er th e bodi es of oth er p eopl e

h e was se nt to an a s ylum and t reat ed t h ere until h i s
,

re cov e r y. B ut all t h at i s an old s to ry : th e exten s ion

o f lif e to th ree h und re d y ea r s h as r ovid ed th e h uman
p
r ac e wit h ca p abl e l e ad er s and mad e s h o r t wo rk of s uc h
,

c h ildi s h s tu ff .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ p etti s hl y ] Y ou s eem to

c redi t ev e ry advanc e in civilization to you r inordinat ely
lon g livers D o you not k now th at t h i s qu es tion was
.

familia r to me n wh o di ed befo re t h ey h ad reac h ed my

o wn ag e ?

zo o O h y es : o n e o r two of t hem h int e d a t it m a

.

feebl e way A n anci ent w rit er wh o s e nam e h as com e

,

down to us in s ev eral fo rm s s uc h as S h a k es pe a r S h el
, ,

l ey S h eridan and S h oddy h as a r ema rk abl e p a s s a g e

, , ,

about you r di s po sition s b ein g h o rribly sh a k en by

t h ou g h t s b eyond t h e rea ch es of you r s o ul s T h at do es .

not com e to much do es it ? ,

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN A t all ev ent s madam I .

, ,

may r emind you if you com e to ca p p in g a g es t h at

, ,

w h at ev er you r s e conda ri es and t er tia ri es may b e you ,

are youn g er t h an I am .

z oo
. Y es D addy ; but it i s not th e numb er of y e a r s
,

we h av e beh ind u s but th e numb er we h av e be fo re u s

, ,

t h at ma k es u s ca re ful and re sp on s ibl e and d e t ermin ed

to fi n d out th e t ruth about ev eryt h in g W h at do es it .

matt er to you wh eth er anyth in g i s t ru e o r not ? you r

fl esh i s as g r a s s : you com e up li k e a flow er and with er ,

in you r s econd ch ildh o od A l i e will la s t you r tim e : it

.

will not la s t min e If I k n ew I h ad to di e in tw enty

.

y ea rs it would not b e wo rth my wh il e to educat e my s elf :

I sh ould not both er about anyt h in g but h avin g a littl e
p l e a s u r e wh il e I la s t ed .

T H E EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN Y oun g w o man : you are

.

m i s tak .e n S rh o tliv e d as we ar e w e— th e be s t of u s I
, ,
1 84 T rag edy o f an E ld erly G tl m a
en e n P art IV
m e an — a r d civiliz ation an d l ea r nin a t and s ci enc e
g re
g r , ,

as an e v er bu r nin to r c h w h ic h a s s es fr om t h e h and of
g p
-

o n e g en eration to t h e h and of th e n e xt e ach en er ation

g ,

k indlin g it to a b ri g h t er p roud er flam e T h u s each life , .

tim e h owev er s ho rt cont ribut es a b ric k to a vas t and

, ,

g ro w in g e dific e a a
p g e to a s ac r ed volum e a ch a t er to
, p ,

a B ibl e a B ibl e to a lit er atu re W e may b e in s ect s ; but

, .

lik e th e co ral in sect we build i s land s wh ich be co m e con

ti n en t s : li k e th e b ee we s to re s u s t enanc e f o r futu r e com
m un i ti es T h e individual p er i s h es ; but th e r ac e i s i m
.

mo rtal T he aco rn of to day i s th e o ak of th e n ext mil

.

l en n i um I t h row my s ton e on th e cai rn and di e ; but

.

lat er com ers add anot her s to n e and y e t anoth er ; and lo !

a mountain I .

[
z ooi n ter ru p t s h i m b y l au g h i n g h e ar til y at h i m]
T HE ELD ERLY GENTLEMAN [ wi th o ff en ded d i g n i ty ]
M ay I ask wh at I h av e s aid t h at c all s f o r th i s m erri
m ent ?
O h , D addy , D addy ,
z oo . D addy you are a funny
,

littl e man , with you r to r ch es , and you r flam es and you r ,

bri c k s and ed ific es and pa g e s and volum es and ch a p t ers

and co ral an d in s e ct s and be es and aco rn s and s ton es and
mountain s .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN M eta ph o rs madam .

, .

Meta ph o r s m erely .

z oo Imag es ima ge s ima g es I w as tal k in g about

. , , .

m en not about ima g es

, .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I as illu t atin g not

w s r — . ,

I h o p e quit e inf elicitou s ly th e gr eat ma rch of P ro g

,
—

r es s I was s h owi n g you h o w s h o rtliv ed as we o ri ental s

.
,

ar e man k ind g ain s in s tatu r e from g en eration to g en

,

cr ati on f r om e po ch to ep och f r o m b a rba ri s m to civili z a

, ,

tion from civilization to p erf ection

,
.

zoo I s ee T he fath er g row s to be s ix feet h i gh and

. . ,

h and s on h i s s i x fee t to hi s s o n wh o add s anot h er s i x ,

1 86 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Ge n tl em an P art IV
by the resp on s ib i l iti es of o ur futu re I sh all b e mo re .

rec k l ess w h en I am a t er tia ry t h an I am today If you .

cannot un ders tand th at at l eas t you mu s t admit t h at I

,

h av e l ea rnt fr om t ertia ri es I h av e seen t h ei r wo rk and

.

liv ed und er t h ei r in stitution s L i k e all youn g t h in g s.

I reb ell ed a g ain s t th em ; and in t hei r h un g er f o r n ew

li g h t s and n ew idea s th ey li s t en ed to me and encou ra g e d
m e to r eb el . B ut my way s did not wo rk ; and t h ei rs di d ;
and th ey w ere abl e to t ell m e why T h ey h av e no p ow er .

ov er me exc ep t t h at po wer : t h ey refu s e all oth er po w er ;

and t h e cons equ enc e i s th at th ere are no limit s to th ei r
p ow er e xc ep t th e limit s t h ey s et th em s elv es You a re .

a c h ild g ov er n ed by ch ild ren wh o mak e s o ma ny mi s ,

tak es and are s o nau gh ty t h at you ar e in continual re

bellion a g ains t th em ; and as th ey can n ev er convinc e you
th at t h ey are ri g h t : t h ey can g ov ern you only by be atin g
you im pr i s onin g you to rtu rin g you k illin g you if you
, , ,

di s obey t h em with out b ein g s t ron g enou gh to k ill o r

t o rtu re th em .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN T h at may b e an u n f o rt u

.

nat e fact I c ond emn it and dep lo re it B ut o ur min ds

. .

are g r e at er t h an t h e fact s W e k now b ett er

. T he .

g r e at es t anci ent t each er s follow ,e d by th e

g alaxy of
C hri s t s wh o a ro s e in th e tw enti eth c entu ry n ot to men ,

tion s uch com p a rativ ely mod ern sp i ritual l eaders as

B l i th eri n j am T o s h and S p i flk i n s all tau g h t th at p un
'

, , ,

i shm en t and rev en g e co ercion and milita ris m are mi s

, ,

tak es and th at t h e g olde n rul e

,

z o o [ in terrup ti n g ] Y e s y es y e s D addy : we lon g liv ed

, , ,

p eo p l e k now t ha t quit e w ell B ut did .any of t h ei r d i s

c i p l e s ev er s ucc ee d in g ov er nin g you f o r a s in g l e day on
t hei r Ch r i s tlik e p rincipl es ? It i s not enou gh to k now
wh at i s g o o d : you m us t be abl e to do it T h ey couldnt .

do it b ecau se th ey did not liv e l o n g enou g h to find out

h o w to do it o,r to outliv e th e c h ildi s h p a s s ion s t h at p r e
Act I Trag edy of an E ld erly G en tl em an 1 87

v e nt ed th em from really wantin g to do it You k now .

e r e —
v y w ll t at t h ey co ul d only k eep o r der s uch as i t
h
—
was b th e v ery co er cion and militari s m t h ey w ere d e
y
n o unc i n g and d ep lo rin g T h ey h ad a ctually to k ill o n e
.

anoth er f o r p reach in g t h ei r own g o sp el o r b e k ill ed ,

them s elv es .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN T h e bl o od o f th e ma rtyrs

.
,

m adam i s th e s eed of th e Ch u rch

, .

z oo . M o re ima g es D addy ! T h e blo o d o f th e sh ort

,

lived fall s on s tony g round .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ ri s i n g v ery tes ty ] You ,

are s im p ly mad o n th e s ubj e ct of lon g evity I wi sh you .

would c h an g e it It i s r at h er p ers onal and in bad ta s t e

. .

H uma n natu re i s h uman natu re lon g liv ed o r sh o rtliv ed , ,

and alway s will be .

z oo . T h en you g iv e u p th e id e a of p r o gres s ? You

c ry o ff th e t o r c h and th e b rick and th e aco r n and all
, , ,

th e res t of it ?
T HE EL D ERLY G EN T LEMAN I do n o th in g of th e s o rt
. .

I s tand f o r p ro g res s and f o r freedom b r o ad enin g down

f rom p rec ed ent t o p rec ed ent .

z oo . You are c ert ainly a t ru e B rito n .

T H E EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I am p roud of it B ut . .

in you r mouth I f eel th at th e complim ent h id es s om e i n

s ult ; s o I do not t h an k you f o r it .

z oo . A ll I m eant was t h at th ou g h B riton s s om etim es

sa
y q uit e cl ev er t h in g s and d eep t h in g s as w ell as s illy

an d sh allow t h in g s t h ey alway s fo rg et th em t en minut es

,

aft er t h ey h av e u t t ered th em ‘
.

T H E EL D ERLY G ENTLEMAN L eav e it at th at mada m :.

,

l ea ve it at th at [ He si ts d o wn ag ai n ] E v en a P o p e
. .

i s not exp e ct ed to b e continually p o nt ifi c at i n g O ur .

fla sh es of in s p i ration s h ew th at ou r h e a rt s are in th e
ri g h t p lac e .
1 88 T rag edy of an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art IV
20 0 O f cou rs e Y ou cannot k eep you r h ea rt in any
. .

p lac e but t h e ri h t
g p lac e .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN T ch a ! .

z oo B ut you can k eep you r h an ds in the w ron g

.

p lac e . In you r n ei g h bo r s
p o c k et s f o r e xam p l ’
e S o , .
,

you s ee it i s you r h and s th at re ally ma tt er

, .

T HE EL D ERLY G E N T LE MA N [ exh au s ted ] W ell a ,

woman mu s t h av e t h e la s t wo r d I will not di s p ut e i t .

wit h you .

z oo G oo d N ow l et us g o back to the r eally int er

. .

es tin s ubj e ct of o u r di s cu s s ion You em em b er ? T h e

g r .

s lav e ry of th e s h o r tliv ed to ima es and m e ta h o r s

g p .

T HE EL D ERLY G E N T LE MA N [ ag h as t ] D o you m ean to

s ay ma dam
, t h at aft er h a v in g tal k ed my h ead o ff and
, ,

re duc e d m e t o d es ai r and s il enc e by you r intol er abl e

p
loquacity y o u actually p ro p o s e to b eg in all o ver a g ain ?
,

I s h all l eav e you at onc e .

zo o You mu s t not I am you r nu rs e ; and you mu s t

. .

s tay wit h m e .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I ab s olut ely d e clin e to do .

anyth in g of t h e s o r t [ h e ri s es an d wal k s away wi th

ma rk ed d i g n i ty ] .

20 0 [ u s i n g h er tun i n g f ] on B u r-
ri n P i
o rk
er t o Z oo
Oracl e P olic e at E nni s tymon h av e you g o t m e ?
Wh at ? I am p ic k in g you u p now but you are
flat to my p itch Ju s t a s h ad e s h a rp er
G ot you ri g h ti
. .

T h at s b ett er : s till a littl e mo re . .

-

I s olat e B u rr i n P i er quic k .

T HE EL D ERLY G E N T LE MA N [ i s h eard to yell ] 0 h l

z o o [ s ti ll i n ton i ng ] T h ank s O h noth in g .

s eriou s I am nu rs in g a s h o r tl i v er a n d t h e s illy c re atu re

h as run away h e h as di s cou r a g e d h im s elf v ery badly by

g addin g about and tal k in g to s e conda ri es and I mu s t

k eep h i m s t rictly to h eel

G tl
.

T h e E l d erl y en eman re turn s , i n d i g n an t .

1 90 T r ag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art I V
q u e s tio n s alt h ou h we k now s o muc h mo re t h an you do ?
, g
T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I am not a ch ild m a dam
.
, .

I b eli eve I h av e h ad oc ca s ion to s ay t h at b efo re A nd I .

am an expe ri enced t r av ell er I k now th at wh at th e

.

t ravell er ob serv es mu s t re ally e xi s t o r h e could not oh ,

s er v e it . B ut wh at the nativ es t ell hi m i s inva riably

p u re fiction .

z oo . N ot h ere D addy W ith u s lif e i s t oo lon g f o r

, .

t ellin g li es T h ey all g et found out Youd be tte r ask

. .

m e qu es tion s wh il e you h av e t he c h anc e .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN If I h av e oc c a s ion to con

.

s ult th e o r acl e I s h all add res s my s elf to a r o er o n e

p p
to a t ertiary : not to a prima ry flap pe r p layin g at b ein g
an o racl e If you are a nu rs erym aid att end to you r
.
,

duti es ; and do not p res um e to ap e you r elders .

z o o [ ri s i n m i n o u sl a d redd en i n ] You s illy

g o y n g
THE EL D ERLY G E N T LE MA N [ thun de ri n g ] S il enc e ! D o
you h ea r ! H old you r ton g u e .

zo o S om et h in g v ery di s a greeabl e i s h ap pe nin g t o

.

me I feel h o t al l ov er
. . I hav e a h o rribl e imp ul s e to
inj u re you W h at h ave you do n e to me ?
.

THE EL D ERLY G E N T LE MA N [ tri u mp han t ] A h a ! I h av e

mad e you blu sh N ow you k n o w wh at blu s h in g m ean s
. .

B lu sh in g with sh am e !
z oo . Wh at ev er you a re doin g it i s s o m eth in g s o u t
,

t erl y e vil t h at if you do n o t s top I will k ill you

’

THE E LD ERLY G E N T LE MA N [ ap p reh en d i n g h i s dan

g ]er D oub tl e s s you t h in k it s af e to t h r e at en an o l d

man
z o o [ fi erc el y ] O ld ! You ar e a ch ild : an e vil ch ild .

W e k ill evil ch il d re n h ere W e do it ev en a g ain s t o ur

.

o wn will s by in s tinct . T ak e ca re .

THE EL D ERLY G E N T LE MA N [ ri s i n g wi th c res tf alle n

c o u r tes y ] I did not m e an to h u rt you r feelin g s I .

[ s w a l l o wi n
g t h e a p o l o
gy w i th an e ff ]
o r t I b e
g you r
Act I Trag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 1 91

p a rd on .
[ He tak es o
ff h i s h at , and b o ws ] .

z oo . What do es t h at m ean ?
THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I wit h d r aw wh at I s aid
. .

z oo . H ow can you wit h dr aw w h at you s aid ?

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I can s ay n o mo re th an .

t h at I am s o rry .

z oo . You h av e rea s on to b e T h at h id eou s sen s ation

.

you g ave m e i s s ub s idin g ; but you h av e h ad a v ery

na rrow es cap e D o not att emp t to k ill me a g ain ; f o r at
.

th e fi rs t s i gn in you r voic e o r fac e I s h all s t ri k e yo u

de ad .

TH E E L DE R L N GENTLEMAN I att em p t t o kill you !

.

Wh at a mon s t rou s accu s ation !

z oo [ f ro wns ]
TH E EL D ERLY G E N T LE MA N [ prud en tl y c orrec ti ng h i m
s el f ] I m e an mi s unde rs tandi n g I n ev er d reamt o f s uch
.

a t h in g S u rel y you cannot b eli eve t h at I am a mur

.

d erer.

zo o I k now you are a mu r d erer It i s not m erely

. .

th at y o u th rew wo rds at m e as if th ey w ere s ton es m ean ,

i n g to h u rt me It was t he in s tinct to k ill t h at you

.

r ou s ed in m e I did not k now it was in my natu re :

.

n ev er befo re h as it wak en ed and sp ru n g out at me wa rn ,

i n g m e to k ill o r b e k ill ed I mu s t now recon s id e r my

.

wh ol e p olitical p o s ition I am no lon g er a C on s ervative

THE EL D ERLY G E N T LE MA N [ d rop p i n g h i s h at] G
. .

ra

c i o u s H e av en s ! you h av e los t you r s en s e s I am at the .

m ercy o f a madwoman : I mi g h t h av e k nown it f ro m

th e b eg innin g I c an b ear no mo re of th i s [ O ff eri ng
. .

h i s c h es t for t he s ac ri fi c e] K ill me at onc e : and much

g ood may my d eat h do you !

z oo . It woul d b e u s el es s unl es s all th e ot her sh o rt ‘

livers w ere k ill ed at th e s am e tim e B es id es it i s a .

,

m ea s u re wh ich sh o uld be tak en po litically and c o n sti tu

192 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P a t IV
r

not p rivat ely H owev er I am p repa red to di s

t i o n all y , .
,

cu ss i t with you .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN N o no no I h ad much .

, , .

rat h er di s cu s s you r int ention o f with drawin f r om th e

g
C on s ervativ e p a r ty H o w th e C o n s ervatives h ave tol
.

crat ed your o inion s s o f ar i s mo r e t h an I can ima in e

p g
I can only conj ectu re t h at you h av e contribut ed v ery
lib er ally to th e party funds [ H e p ic k s up hi s h at and .
,

si ts d o wn ag ai n ] .

zo o D o not babbl e s o s en s el es s ly : o ur ch i ef p olitical

.

cont rov er s y i s th e mo s t mom entou s in the wo rld f o r you

and you r li k e .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN [ i n teres ted ] Ind eed ? P r ay ,

may I as k wh at it i s ? I am a k ee n p olitician and may ,

p er h a p s b e of s om e u s e
[ H e
p u t s on h i s h at
. c o c k i n
g ,

it s li
g h tl y] .

zo o W e h av e two g reat p art i es : th e C on serv ativ e

.

a t y and t h e Co lo n i z ation a rty T h e C oloniz ers are

p r p .

of op inion t h at we sh ould inc rea s e o u r number s and

.

coloniz e T he C on servativ es h old th at we s h ould s tay

.

as we are confin ed to th es e i sland s a rac e a pa r t

, , ,

wra p p ed up in th e maj es ty o f o ur wi s dom on a s oil h eld

as h oly g r ound f o r u s by an ado r in g wo rld with o ur ,

s ac r ed f r onti er t rac e d beyond di s p ut e by t h e s ea T h ey .

cont end th at it i s o ur des tiny to r ul e th e wo rld and t h at ,

ev en w h en we w ere sh o r tliv ed w e did s o T h ey s ay t h at .

o ur
p ow er and o u r
p eac e d e end on o u r r emot en es s
p o ur ,

exclu s iv en es s o u r s ep a r ation
, and th e res t riction of o ur
,

numb ers Fiv e minut es ag o t h at was my p olitical faith

. .

N ow I do not th in k th ere s h ould b e any sh o r tlived p eop l e

at all .
[ S h e t h ro w s hers el f ga ai n c arel es s l y on t h e

s ac k s ] .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN A m I to infer t h at you .

d eny my ri gh t to liv b cau s e I allow d my lf p er

e e e s e —

a
h ps inj udiciou s ly — to g ive you a sli g h t s coldin g
?
1 94 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art I V
‘

TH E EL D ERLY GENTLEMA N B ut you fo rge t t h at th e

.

an s wers of t h e o r acl e cannot b e k ep t s ec ret o r mi s repre

s ent ed. T h ey are w ritt en and p romul g at ed T he .

L ead er of th e Op p o s ition ca n obtain cop i es All th e .

nation s know th em S ec ret diplomacy h as be en totall y

.

a b oli sh ed.

z oo. Y es : you p ubli sh docum ent s ; but th ey are

g a rbl ed o r fo r ed
g A nd e v en
. if you p ubli s h ed o ur r e al
an s w ers it would ma k e no di fferenc e be cau s e the s h o rt,

lived cannot int erp re t th e plain es t w ritin g s You r s c rip .

tu res command you in the p lain es t t erm s to do exactly

th e cont r a ry of ev eryt h in g you r own law s and ch o s en
rul ers command and ex e cut e Y o u c annot d efy N atu re
. .

It i s a law of N atu re t h at t h ere i s a fix ed relation b e

tween conduct and l en g t h of life .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN I h ave n ever h ea rd o f any

.

s uch law madam

, .

z oo
. Well you are h ea rin g of i t n o w
, .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN L et m e t ell you th at we .

s ho rtl i v ers as you call u s ha v e l en th en ed o ur liv es v ery

, g ,

con s id er ably .

z oo . H ow ?
TH E EL D ERLY GENTLEM A N B y s a v in g tim e B y en
. .

ablin g m en to c ro s s t h e oc ean in an aft ernoon and to s ee ,

and to sp eak t o o n e anoth er when th ey are th ou s ands of

mil es a p a rt W e ho p e sh o rtly to o rg ai z e th ei r labo r
.
,

and p res s natu r al fo r c es into th ei r se rvi c e s o s c i en ti fi ,

cally t h at t h e bu rden of labo r will c ea se to be perceptibl e ,

l eavin g common men mo re l ei s u re than t h ey will k now

wh at to do with .

z oo. D addy : th e m an wh o s e life i s l en g th en ed in th i s

way may b e bu s i er th an a s ava g e ; but t h e di ff erenc e b e
tw een s uch men livin g s ev enty y e a rs and th o s e livin g
t h ree h undre d would b e all th e g reat er ; f o r t o a sh o rt
liv er inc rea s e of y ea rs i s only incre a s e of s o rr ow ; but to
A ct I T rag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an 1 95

a l o ng l i v er ev ery ext r a y ea r i s a p ros p e ct wh ic h fo r c es

hi m to s t retch h i s faculti es to th e utmo s t to fac e it .

T h erefo re I s ay t h at we wh o liv e t h ree h und r ed y ea rs

can b e of no u s e to you who liv e l es s t h an a hundred ,
and th at o ur t ru e d es tiny i s not to advi se and g ov er n
you , but to s u pp lant and s u pers ed e you In th at faith .

I now d e cla re my s elf a C oloniz er and an E xt erminato r .

T HE EL D ERLY G EN T LEMAN Oh s t e ady !

.
,s t e ady !

P ray ! p ray ! R efl ect I im p lo re you It i s p o s s ibl e to

, .

coloniz e with out ext erminatin g th e nativ e s W ould .

you t reat u s l es s m ercifully th an o ur ba rbar ou s fo re

fathers t reat ed th e R e d sk in and th e N eg r o ? A re we
not as B riton s entitl ed at l ea s t to s om e r es ervation s ?
, ,

z oo . Wh at i s th e us e of p r olon g in g th e a g ony ? You

woul d p eri sh s lowly in o ur p res enc e no matt er wh at we
,

did to pres erv e you You w ere almo s t d ead w h en I took

.

ch a rg e o f you today m erely be c au se you h ad tal k ed f o r

,

a f ew minut es to a s econda ry B es ides we h av e o ur own

.
,

ex p eri enc e to g o u p on H av e you n ev e r h ea rd t h at o u r

.

ch ildren occa s i o nally rev ert to th e a n c es t ral ty pe and ,

are bo r n s h o r tliv ed ?
T H E EL D ERLY GENTLE M AN [ eag erl y ] N ev er I h op e .

o u will not b e o ff ende d if I s ay th at it would b e a g r e at

y
c omfo r t to m e if I could b e p lac e d in c h a rg e o f o n e o f

th o s e no rmal individu al s .

z oo . Abno rmal yo u m ean W h at you as k i s i m

, .

oss i bl e : we w eed t h e m all out

p .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN Wh en you s ay t h at you

.

w eed th em out you s end a cold sh iver down my s p in e I

, .

—
h o pe you dont m ean t h at you t h at you th at you as —

s i s t N atu re in any way ?

z oo . W h y n o t ? H av e you not h ea rd t h e s ayin g o f

t h e C hin e se s a g e D ee N in g th at a g ood g a r de n n ee d s
,

weedin g ? B ut i t i s not n e c ess a ry f o r u s to int erfere .

W e are natu r ally rath er p a rticula r as to t h e conditions

1 96 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an Part I V

on wh ic h we con s ent to live O ne do es n ot mind th e acci

.

d en tal l os s of an arm o r a l eg o r an ey e : aft er all no ,

o n e wit h t wo l e s i s un h a y b ecau s e h e h as not t h ree ;

g pp
s o why s h ould a man with o n e b e un h a p y b e cau se h e h as
p
not two ? B ut i n fi rmi ti es of mind and t emp er are quite
an o t her m att er If o n e of u s h as no s elf cont rol or i s
.
-

too w eak to b ea r th e s t r ain of o ur trut h ful lif e without

wincin g o r i s to rm ent ed by d epraved a pp etit es and
,

s u e r s tition s o r i s unabl e to k ee f r ee from

p ain and
p , p
d ep res s ion h e natu rally be com es di s cou ra g ed and re
, ,

fu ses to liv e .

T HE EL D ERLY GEN T LEM AN G o o d L o rd ! C ut s h i s

.

th roat do you m ean ?

,

z oo . N o : why s h ould he cut h i s t hr oat ? H e s im ply

di es H e want s to H e i s out of c o unt enanc e as we
. .
,

call it .

T HE EL D ERLY GEN T LEMAN W ell ! . B ut su ppo s e h e

i s d ep rav e d e nou g h not to want to d i e and to s ettl e th e ,

di fficulty by k illin g all th e res t of you ?

z oo . O h h e i s o n e of th e t h o rou g h ly d eg en er at e sh ort
,

liv ers wh om we occa s ionally p roduc e H e emi g r at es . .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN A nd wh at b ecom es of h i m

.

th en ?
z oo . Y ou s h o r tliv ed p eop l e alway s t h ink v ery h i gh ly
of h i m Y ou acc ep t h i m as wh at you call a g reat man
. .

T HE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN You a s toni sh me ; and

.

et I mu s t admit t h at w h at you t ell me a c c ounts f o r a

y
reat d eal of th e littl e I k now of th e p riva te life of o ur
g
g re at m en W .e mu s t b e v ery conv en i ent to you as a

dump in g plac e f o r you r failu res .

z oo . I admit t h at .

THE EL D ERLY GENTLEMAN G o o d T hen if you ca rry. .

out your p lan of colonizati o n and l eav e no sh o rtliv ed ,

count ri es in th e w o rld wh at will you do with you r un

,

des i rabl es
 A CT II

A c ou r tyard b ef ore th e c o l wmned p o r ti c o o f a temp l e .

T h e t emp l e d o o r i s i n t h e m i dd l e o f th e p o r ti c o
. A v ei l
ed an d ro b ed wo man o f m aj es ti c c arri ag e p as s es al o n g

b eh i n d th e c o l u mn s to ward s th e en tr anc e . F ro m th e
o s i te d i rec ti on a man o c o m ac t fig u r e, c l ean s h av en ,
o
pp f p
-

s atu rn i n e an d s el c en t ered i n s h or t, v ery l i k e N ap o l e o n

,
f -

I , an d weari n g a m i l i tary u n i f o rm o f N ap o l eon i c c u t ,

marc h es wi th me as u red s tep s ; p l aces h i s h and i n hi s

l ap el i n the tr ad i ti on al man n er ; an d fixes the wo man
wi th h i s ey e S h e s tap s h er a t ti tud e exp res s i n g h aug h ty
.
,

amaz emen t at hi s au d ac i ty H e is on h er ri g h t : s he on
.

hi s l ef t
.

N A P O LE O N [ i mp res s i v el y ] I am th e M an of D es tiny .

T HE V E I LE D WOMAN [ un i mp res s ed ] H o w did yo u g et

in h ere ?
NAPO LEON I wal k ed in I g o on until I am s to pp ed
. . .

I n ev er am s to pped I t ell you I am the M an o f

.

D estiny .

THE V E I LE D WOMAN You wil l be a man of v ery sh o rt

.

destiny if you wand er about h ere with out o n e of o ur

c h ild ren to g uid e you I su pp os e you b elon g to the
.

B a gh dad envoy .

N A P OLEON I c ame with h i m ; but I do n o t b elo n g t o

.

1 99
200 T rag edy of an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art I V
hi m . I b elon g to my s elf D i rect me to th e o racl e if y o u .

can If not do not wa s t e my tim e

.
, .

T HE V EI LED WOMAN You r tim e p oo r c reatu re i s

.
, ,

s h o rt . I will not wa s te it You r envoy and h i s p a rty .

will b e h ere p res ently T h e con s ultation of th e Oracl e . ,

i s a rr an g ed f o r t h em and will ta k e p lac e acco r din g to

,

th e p r es c rib e d ritual You can wait h ere until t h ey

.

com e [ s h e turn s to g o i n to th e temp l e] .

NAPOLEON I n ev er wait [ S h e s tops ] T h e p res c rib ed

. . .

r itual i s I b eli ev e th e cla s s ical o n e O f t h e p yth on es s

, ,

on h er t ri p od th e intoxicatin g fum es a ri s in g from th e

,

aby s s th e convul s ion s O f th e p ri es t ess as s h e d eliv ers th e

,

m es s a g e of t h e G od and s o on T h at s o rt of th in g
, .

do es not im p o s e on m e : I u s e it mys elf to im p o se on

s im p l eton s I b eli ev e t h at wh at i s i s I k now th at wh at
.
, .

i s not i s not T h e a ntic s of a w o man s ittin g on a t r ip od

, .

and p ret endin g to b e d run k do not int eres t m e H er .

wo rd s ar e p u t into h er mouth not by a g o d bu t by a , ,

man t h ree hund r ed y ea rs O l d wh o h as h ad th e ca p acity ,

t o p rofit by h i s exp eri enc e I Wi s h to S p ea k to t h at man .

fac e to fac e with out mumm ery o r im p o s tu re

, .

THE VE I LED WOMAN You s eem to b e an unu s ually .

s en s ibl e
p er so n B ut t h e.r e i s no O l d man I am t h e .

o r acl e on duty today I am on my way now to ta k e my

.

p lac e on th e t ri p od and g o t h rou h th e u s ual m um

g,

m ery as you r i g h tly call it to imp res s you r f ri end th e

, ,

envoy A s you are s u p erio r to t h at k ind of th in g you

.
,

may con s ult me now [ S h e l eads the way i n to the mi d dl e

.

o
f th e c o u r tyard ] W h at do
. you want to know ?
NAPOLEON [ f o l l o wi n g h er] M adam : I h av e not com e
all t h i s way to di s cu s s matt ers of S tat e with a woman .

I mu s t as k you to di rect m e to o n e o f you r old es t and

abl es t men .

THE O RACLE N on e of o ur Old es t and abl es t m en o r

.

wom en would d re am of wa s tin g th ei r tim e on you Y o u .

20 2 T rag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art I V
NAPOLEON [ f o l d i ng h i s arms ] I am not intimidat ed
no woman aliv e old o r youn g can put m e out of coun
, ,

t en an c e. U nv eil madam D i s rob e You will move th i s

, . .

t emp l e as e a s il y as s h a k e me .

T HE ORACLE Very well [ s he th rows b ac k her v ei l ]

. .

NAPO LEON [ s h ri ek i ng s tag g eri n g an d c o v eri n g hi s

, ,

eyes ] N O S top
. H id e you r fac e a g ain
.
[ S h u t ti n
g h i s .

ey es an d d i s trac tedl y c l u tc h i n g at h i s th ro at an d h ear t ]

L et m e g o .H el p ! I am dyin g .

T HE ORACLE D o you s till wi sh to con s ult an older

.

ers on ?
p
NAPOLEON N o , no T h e v eil , the v eil , I beg you
. . .

T H E ORA C LE [ rep l ac i n g th e v ei l ] S o .

NAP OLEON O uf ! O n e cannot alway s b e at on e s

.
’

be s t
. T wic e be fo re in my life I h av e lo s t my n erv e and
.

b eh av ed li k e a p oltroon B ut I wa rn you no t to j ud g e
.

my quality by th es e involuntary mo m ent s .

THE O RACLE I h ave no occa s ion to j udg e of you r

.

quality You want my advic e S pe a k quick ly ; o r I

. .

s h all about my bu s in es s
g o .

NAPOLEON [ af ter a mo men t s hes i t ati on , s i n k s re

’

s ec t u ll k n ee ] I
p f y o n o n e

T H P O RA C LE O h , r i s e , ri s e
. A re you s o fooli s h as
.

to O ff e r me th i s mumm ery w h ic h ev en you d es p i s e ?

N A P OLEON [ ri s i n g ] I k n elt in s p it e of my s elf I com .

p l i m en t
y ou you r im p res s iv en es s madam
on , .

THE O R A C LE [ i mp ati en tl y ] T im e ! t i m e ! tim e ! tim e !

NAPOLEON You will no t g rud g e me th e n ec es sa ry
.

time madam wh en you k now my ca s e I am a man

, , .

g i ft ed with a c er tain s p ec ific tal en t in a d eg ree alt o

et h er ext r ao rdina ry I am not ot h erwi se a v ery

g .

ext rao rdina ry p ers on : my family i s not influ ential ; and

with out t h i s tal ent I s h ould cut no p a rticula r fi g u re in

th e wo rld .

THE ORACLE W hy cut a fi g u re in th e wo rld ?

.
’
Act II Trag e dy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an 203

NAPOLEON S up erio rity will ma k e it s el f felt madam

.
, .

B ut wh en I s ay I p o ss ess th i s tal ent I do not exp res s

my s elf accu rat ely T h e t rut h i s t h at my tal ent p o s
. .

s es s es me I t i s g eniu s It d riv es me to ex erci s e it I

. . .

mu s t ex e r ci s e it I am g reat wh en I ex erci s e it A t
. .

oth er mom ent s I am nobody .

T HE ORACLE W ell ex er ci s e it
.
, D o you n ee d an .

o racl e to t ell you th at ?

NA P OLEON W ait T h i s tal ent inv olv es th e sheddin g
. .

o f h uman blo od .

T H P ORACLE A re you a s u rg eon o r a d enti s t ?

.,
,

NA P OLEO N P s h a ! Y o u do not a pp rec iat e me

.
,

m adam I m ean th e s h eddin g of o c ean s O f blo od t he

.
,

d eat h of million s of men .

T HE ORA C LE T h ey o bj ect I s up p o s e
.
, .

NA P OLEO N N ot at all T h ey ado re me

. . .

T HE ORACLE .Indeed !
NA P OLEON I have n ev er sh ed blood wit h my own
.

hand . T h ey k ill e ach o th e r : t h ey di e with sho ut s of

t rium ph on th ei r lip s T ho se wh o di e cu r s in g do n ot
.

cu rs e m e M y tal ent i s to org aniz e t h i s s lau g h t er ; to

.

g iv e mankind t h i s t err ibl e j oy w h ich t h ey call

g lo ry ; to

l e t loo s e th e d evil in t h em t h at p e ac e h as b ound in ch ain s .

T HE ORACLE .A nd you D o you s h a re t h ei r j oy ?

?

NA P OLEON N ot at all Wh at s ati s faction is it to

. .

me to s ee o n e fool p i erc e th e ent rail s of ano t h er with a

bayon et ? I am a man of p rinc ely ch a ract er but O f ,

s im p l e ers onal ta s t es and h abits I h av e t h e vi rtu es o f

p .

a labo rer : indu st ry and indi ff erenc e t o p ers onal com

fo rt B ut I mus t rul e becau se I am so s u p erio r t o other
.
,

men th at it i s intol erabl e to me to be mi s rul ed by th em .

Y et only as a slay er can I b ec o m e a rul er I c annot be .

r eat as a w rit er : I h av e t ri ed and fail ed I h av no

g e .

tal ent as a s culp to r o r p aint er ; and as lawy er p rea ch er , ,

docto r o r acto r s c o res of s ec ond rat e men c an do as

. ,
-
20 4 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art I V

w ell as I o r b e tt er I am not ev en a di plomati s t : I can

, .

only p lay my t rump ca rd of fo rc e W h at I can do i s to .

o rg aniz e war L oo k at me ! I s eem a man li k e oth er

.

m en b ecau s e nin e t enth s of me i s common h umani ty

,
-

B ut th e ot h er t ent h i s a faculty f o r s eein g th in g s as

t h ey are th at no ot h er man p o s s es s es .

T HE ORACLE You m ean t h at you h av e no i mag

.

i mation ?
-
NAPOLEON [ f o rc i bl y ] I m e an t hat I h av e th e only
im a g ination wo rt h h avin g : th e p ow e r of ima g inin g
t h in g s as t h ey are ev en wh en I can not s ee th em You
, .

feel you rs elf my s up erio r I k now : nay you are my , ,

s u erio r : h av e I not b ow e d my k n ee to you by in s tinct ?

p
Y e t I c h all en g e you to a t es t of o ur res p ectiv e p O W E I S ‘ '
.

C an yo u calculat e wh at the math ematician s call

v ec to rs with o ut p uttin g a s m gl e al g eb raic s ymbol on
'

a C an you launc en t h ou s and m en ac ro s s a

'

p p er? h t
fronti er and a ch ain of mounta i n s and k now to a mil e
e xactly w h ere they will b e at th e en d o f s ev en w eek s ?

T h e r es t i s not h in g : I g o t it all fr om th e boo k s at my

milita ry s ch ool N ow th i s g re at g am e of war t h i s p lay
.
,
~

i n g wit h a rmi es as ot h er m en p lay with bowl s and

s k ittl es i s o n e wh ich I mu s t g o on p layin g p a r tly be
, ,

cau s e a man mu s t do wh at h e can and not wh at h e

‘

would li k e to do and p a rtly be cau s e if I s to p I

,

, , ,

imm ed i at ely lo s e my po w er and b e com e a be g g a r in the

land whe re I now mak e m en d runk with g lo ry .

T HE ORACLE N o doubt th en you wi sh to know h ow

.

t o ext ricat e you rs elf fr om th i s unfo rtunat e po s ition ?

NAPO LEO N It i s not g en erally con s id ered un f o r
.
.

tu n ate madam
, S u p rem ely fo rtunat e r at h er
. .

T HE ORACLE If you t h ink s o g o on mak in g th em

.
,

d runk with g lo ry W hy t roubl e m e wit h t h ei r folly and

.

you r v ecto rs ?
NAPOLEON Unluck ily madam men are not only
.
, ,
'
20 6 Tr ag edy o f an E ld erly G tl m aen e n P art I V
and enj oy in p eac e th e g lory it h as e a rn ed t hem B e .

s id es , th e ri s k o f d e at h f o r e ac h s oldi er be com es a c er
tainty if th e fi g h tin g g o es o n f o r ev er h e h o pes to .

es ca e f o r s i x mont h s but k now s h e cannot e s ca e f o r

p , p
s i x y ea rs T h e ri s k of b an k ru p tcy f o r th e citiz en b e
.

c om es a c ertainty in th e s am e way N ow wh at do es th i s .

m ean f o r me ?
T HE ORACLE D o es t h at matt er in t h e mid s t o f s uch
.

calamity ?
NAPOLEO N P s h a ! m adam : it i s t h e only t hi n g t h a t
.

matt ers : th e valu e of h uman life i s th e valu e of t he

g r e at es t livin
g man C ut O ff t h at infinit es imal lay er Of
.

rey matt er w h ich di s tin ui s h es my b r ain f rom t h at of

g g
t h e common man and you cut down th e s tatu re of
,

h umanity from t h at of a g iant to that of a n ob od y I .

matt er s up rem ely : my s oldi ers d o not matt er at all :

t h ere are p l enty mo re wh ere t h ey cam e fr om If you k ill .

m e o r p u t a s top to my activity ( it i s t h e s am e t h in g )
, ,

th e nobl er p a rt of h uman lif e p eri sh es You mus t s av e .

th e wo rld fro m t h at cata s t ro p h e madam W ar h as

, .

made me p o p ula r p o werful famou s hi s to rically i m

, , ,

mo rtal B ut I fo res ee t h at if I g o on to th e en d it will

.

l eav e m e exec r at ed d ethron ed impri s on ed p erh a p s

, , ,

ex ecut e d . Y et if I s to p fi g h tin g I commit s uicid e as a

g re at m an and b e come a co mmon o n e H o w am I to .

es ca e th e h o r n s of t h i s t r a g ic dil emm a ?
p V icto ry I c an

g ua rant ee : I am invincibl e B ut t h e co s t of victo ry i s

.

th e d emo r alization t h e d ep o p ul at i o n th e r uin of th e

, , .

victo rs n o l es s t h an o f th e vanqui sh ed How am I t o .

s ati s fy my g eniu s by fi g h tin g until I d i e ? th at i s my

q u es tion to you .

T HE ORACLE W ere you not r a sh to v entu re into

.

th ese s ac red i sland s with s uch a qu es tion on you r lips ?

W a rrio rs are not po p ula r h e re my f ri end , .

NAPOLEON If a s oldi er w ere res t rain ed by s uch a

. .
A ct II T rag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an 20 7

con s id eration madam h e woul d no lon g er be a s oldi er

, , .

B es id es [ he p ro d uc es a p i s t ol ] I h av e not com e una rm ed

, .

T HE ORACLE W h at i s t h at th in g ?
.

NAPOLEON It i s an in s t rum ent O f my p r ofes s ion

.
~
,

madam I rai s e t h i s h amm er ; I p oint th e ba r rel at you ;

.

I p ull t hi s t ri g g er t h at i s a g ain s t my fo refin g er ; and

you fall d e ad .

T HE ORACLE S h ew i t to m e [ s h e pu t s ou t h er h an d
.

t o tak e i t f ro m h i m] .

NAPOLEON [ retreati ng a s tep ] P a rdon me ma d am , .

I n ev er t ru s t my life in th e h an ds of a p ers on ov er wh om
I h av e no cont rol .

T HE O RACLE [ s ternl y ] G iv e it to me [ s he rai s es h er

h an d to h er v ei l ] .

NA P OLEO N [ d ropp i ng the pi s tol and c o v eri ng h i s

ey es ] Qua r t er ! K am erad ! T a k e it madam [ h e k i c k s ,

i t to ward s h er ] I s u rrend er .

T HE ORACLE G iv e me t h at th in g Do you exp e ct

. .

m e to s t0 0 p f o r it ?
'

NAPOLEON [ taki ng h i s h and s f ro m hi s eyes wi th an

e o r t ] A po o r victo ry madam [ he
fi
'

p i,c k s u
p t he
p i s t o l
an d h an d s i t to he r] : t h er e w as no v ecto r s t r at eg y

n eed ed to wi n it [M ak i n g a p o s t o f hi s h um i l i ati on ]
.

B ut nj oy your t iump you av mad e m M E ! C ain

e r h : h e e —

A dam son C h a rl es N ap ol eon ! E mp ero r of T ur ania ! c 1 y

f o r qua rt er .

T HE O R A C LE T he way out of you r di fi ul ty Cain

. c
,

A dam s on i s v ery s impl e

, .

N AP OLEO N [ eag erl y ] Go od W h at i s it ? .

T HE O R A C LE T o d i e b efo re th e tid e o f g lo ry tu rn s
. .

All ow me [ s h e s h o o ts h im ] .

H e f all s wi th a s hri ek S h e thro ws th e p i s to l away

.

an d g o esh aug h ti l y i n to th e t emp l e .

NAPOLEON [ s c rambl i n g to hi s f eet] M u rd eres s !

Mon s t er ! S h e d evil ! Unnatur al , inh uman
-
wretch ! You
2 08 Trag edy of an E ld erly G tl m
en e an
: P a rt I V

d eserv e to be h an ged g uillot i n ed b rok en on th e wh eel

, , ,

bu rnt aliv e N 0 s e n s e of t h e s ac redn es s of h uman life !

.

N O t h ou g h t f o r my wife and c h ild re n ! B itc h ! S o w !

Wanton ! [H e p i c k s up th e p i s to l ] A nd mi s sed me at .

fi v e ya rd s ! T h at s a woman all ov er .

H e i s g o i ng away wh en c e h e ca me wh en Z oo arri v es
an d c o n r n ts f o hi m a t th e head o
f a p ar ty c on s i s ti n
g o f
th e B ri ti s h E n v oy, th e E ld erl y ,
G tl en em an , th e E nv o
y
’
s

wi f e an d h er d aug h ter ag ed ab o u t ei g h teen

, , T he .

E n v oy a typ i c al p o l i ti c i an l oo k s l i k e an i mp erf ec tl y
, ,

ref o rmed c r i m in al d i s g u i s ed by a o o d t ail o r T h d

g e res s

G
.

o
f th e l ad i es i s c o ev al wi th t h at o
f‘ t h e E l d e rl
y en t l e

m an , an d s u i tabl e f o r p u b l i c o fl i c i al c eremo n i es i n
wes tern c ap i t al s at t h e X V I I I XI X fin d e s i ec l e -

T h ey fil e i n u n d er th e p o r ti c o Z o o i mmedi a tel y .

c o me s o u t i m eri o u s l y t o N ap o l eon s ri g h t w i l
’
h s t th e
p ,

E n v o y s wi f e h u rr i es e fim i v el y to h i s l ef t T he E n v o y
’
.

mean wh i l e p as s es al o n g beh i n d th e c o l umn s to th e d oo r

G
,

l l o wed b y h i s d au h te r T h e E l d erl l m
f o g y en .t e a n s t o
p s

s t wh ere h e en tered o s ee why Z oo h as s O ed s o

j u t , p
ab rup tl y o n th e E mp ero r o f T u r an i a .

zo o [ to N ap o l eo n s ev erel y ] Wh at are you doin g h ere

,

by you rs elf ? You h av e no b u s in e s s to g o abo ut h ere

alon e W h at was th at noi s e j u s t now ? W h at i s t h at in
.

you r h and ?
N ap o l eon g l ares at h e r i n s p eec h l es s f u ry ;
p oc k e ts

th e p i s t o l ; an d p r o d uc es a wh i s tl e .

T HE E N v or s
’
W I FE . A rnt you comin g with us to th e
o racl e s i re ?
,

NAPOLEON T o h ell with . th e o racl e and with you

,

too [ he tu rn s to g o ]
O h , s i re !
T HE E N v o r s W I FE ’

[ g
t o e t h er ] W h er e a re you g o

J i ng ?
NAPOLEON . T o fetch th e p olic e [ H e g o es o u t p as t
.
21 0 T r ag edy of an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art IV
s tat es m en th ou g h t t h ey h ad s ent ten million com
wh o
mo n m en to th e i r d e ath s w ere th em s elv es blown into
f ra g m ent s wit h t h ei r h ou s es and famili es wh il e the t en ,

million men lay s nu g ly in th e cav es th ey h ad du g f o r

t h em s elv es L at er on ev en th e h ou s e s es cap ed ; but t h ei r
.

in h abitant s w ere p oi s on e d by g as th at s p a red no livin g

s oul . O f cou rs e th e s oldi ers s ta rv ed and ran wild ; and
t h at was th e en d o f p s eudo C h ri s tian civilization T h e
-

la s t civiliz ed t h in g t h at h a pp en ed was th at th e stat es

m en di s cov e red th at cowa rdic e was a g re at p at riotic
vi rtu e ; and a p ublic monum ent was ere ct ed to i ts fi rs t
reac h er an anci ent and v ery fat s a e call ed S i r Jo h n
p , g
F al s ta ff . W ell [ p o i n ti n g ] t h at s F al s ta ff
, .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [ c o mi n g f ro m th e p o r ti c o

to h i s g ran dd aug h ter s ri g h t ] G re at H eav en s ! A nd at
’

t h e ba s e of th i s mon s t rou s p olt r oo n s s tatu e th e W ar

’

G od of T u rania i s n o w g ibb erin g imp ot ently .

zo o S erv e hi m ri g h t ! W ar God ind eed !

.

THE ENVO Y [ c o mi n g between h i s wi f e an d Z o o ] I dont

k now any hi s to ry : a mod ern P rim e M ini s t er h as s om e
th in g b ett er to do t han s i t r eadin g boo k s ; but
THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [ i n terru p ti n g hi m en
c o u rag i n g l y ] You ma k e h i s to r y A mb ro s e , .

THE ENVO Y W ell p erh ap s I do ; and p erh a p s h i s

.
,

to ry ma k es m e I h a rdly re co g niz e my self in th e n ew s

.

p a p ers s om e tim es t h ou h I s u
g , pp os e l e adin g a r ticl e s are

th e mat e r ial s of h i s to ry as you mi g h t s ay

, B ut wh at .

I want to k now i s h o w did war com e bac k a g ain ? and

,

h o w did t h ey ma k e t h o s e p oi s onou s g a s es you s p ea k of ?

W e s h ould be g lad to k no w ; f o r t h ey mi g h t com e in v ery
h andy if we h av e to fi g h t T ur ania O f cou rs e I am all
.

f o r p eac e and dont h old with th e r ac e of a rmam ent s in

,

rinci p l e ; s till w e mu s t k eep a h ead o r b e wi pe d out

p , .

zo o You can mak e th e g a s es f o r you rs elv es when

you r ch emi s t s find out h o w T h en you will do as you .
Act I I T rag e dy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 21 1

did b efo re : p oi s on e ach ot her until t h er e are n o ch emi s t s

l eft and no civilization You will t hen b eg in all ov er
, .

a g ain as h alf s ta rv e d i g no r ant s ava g es and fi g h t with

-

bo o m er an g s and p ois on e d a rrow s until you wo rk up to

th e p oi s on g a s es and h i g h e xp lo s iv es onc e mo r e with ,

th e s am e res ult T h at i s unl es s w e h av e sen s e enou g h

.
,

to ma k e an en d of th i s ridiculou s g am e by d est royin g

you .

THE ENVO Y [ ag h as t ] D es t royin g u s !

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN I told you A mb ro s e I .
, .

wa rn ed you .

THE ENVO Y B ut .

z o o [ i m at i e n tl ] I wond er w h at Z o z i m i s doin H
p y g e .

ou g h t to b e h ere to re c eive you .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN D o you m e an t h at rath er .

in s u ff er abl e youn g man wh om you found bo rin g me o n

th e p i er ?
20 0 Y es
. H e h as to d res s up in a D ruid s r ob e and
.
-
’
,

p u t on a w i g and a lon g fal s e he ard t o im p re s s you ,

s illy eo l e I h av e to u t on a u l mantl I h av
p p .
p p pr e e e .

no p ati enc e with s uc h m umm ery ; but you expe ct it f r om

us ; s o I s u pp o s e it mu s t b e k ep t up W ill you wait h ere .

until Zo z i m com es pl ea s e [ s he turn s to en ter the

,

temp l e] .

THE ENVO Y M y g oo d lady i s it wo rth wh il e d res s

.
,

i n g up and p uttin g on fal s e be a rd s f o r u s if you t ell u s

-

b efo reh and th at it i s all humbu g ?

z oo O n e w o uld not t h in k s o ; but if you wont b e
.

li ev e in anyon e wh o i s not d res s ed up wh y we mu s t -

, ,

dres s up f o r you It was you wh o invent ed all t h i s non

-
.

s ens e not we
, .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN B ut do you exp ect us to .

be im p res s ed aft er t h i s ?
,

ZO O I dont exp ec t anyt hin g I k n o w as a mat ter

. ~ ,

o f ex p eri enc e th at you will be imp res s ed T h e o racl e

, .
21 2 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an :

P a t IVr

will fri g h t en you out of you r wit s .

[ S h e
g o es i n t o th e

temp le ]
THE W I FE T h es e p eop l e t reat u s as if we w ere di rt
.

b en eath t h ei r feet I wond er at you p uttin g u p with it

.
,

A mby It woul d s erv e t h em r i gh t if we w ent h om e at

.

onc e : wouldnt it E th ? ,

THE DAUGHTE R Y es mamma B ut p erh ap s t h ey

.
, .

wouldnt mind .

THE ENVO Y N O u s e tal k in g li k e th at M olly I v e

.
, .

g o t to s ee t h i s o racl e T h e fol k s at h om e wont k now

.

h o w we h av e b een t reat ed : all t h eyll k now i s th at I v e

s tood fac e to fac e wit h t h e o r acl e and h ad th e s t r ai g h t

t i p fro m h er I h op e t h i s Z o z i m c h a p i s not g oin g to

.

k eep us waitin g muc h lon g er ; f o r I feel f ar from com

f o r t abl e about th e a p p roach in g int ervi ew ; and t h at s
th e h on es t t rut h .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN I n ev er th ou gh t I sh ould .

want to s e e t h at man a g ain ; but now I wi sh he wo uld

ta k e c h a rg e of u s in s t ead of Zo o S h e was ch a rmin g at
.

fi rs t : quit e c h a rmin g ; but s h e tu rn ed into a fi end b e

c au s e I h ad a f ew wo r d s wit h h er You would not .

b eli ev e : sh e v ery n ea rly k ill ed m e You h ea rd wh at sh e

.

s aid j u s t now S h e b elon g s to a p a r ty h ere wh ich want s

.

t o h av e u s all k ill ed .

THE W I FE [ terri fied ] U s ! B ut we h av e don e noth in g

we h av e b een as nic e to t h em as nic e c ould b e O h A mby .
, ,

com e away c o m e away : th ere i s s om et hin g dreadful

,

about t h i s plac e and t h es e p eop l e .

THE ENVO Y T h ere i s and no mi s tak e B ut you re

.
, .
~

s afe wit h me : you ou g h t to h av e s en s e enou g h to k now

t h at .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN I am so rry to s ay Molly .

, ,

th at it i s not m erely u s fou r p oo r w eak c reatu res th ey

want to k ill but th e e nti re rac e of M an exc ep t t hem
, ,

s elv es .
21 4 T rag edy O f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P a t IV
r

p l ea s e
. A nd now if I,may b e allow ed to s eiz e th e O
pp or

t un i ty of a f ew minut e s f ri endly ch at— P

’

z oe . B y all m ean s if only you will tal k abo ut

,

t hin g s I can und er s tand .

THE ENVO Y W ell about t hi s colonizin g plan of

.
,

you rs My fath er i n law here h as b een t ellin g me s om e

.
- -

th in g about it ; and h e h as j u s t now l e t out th at you

want not only to coloniz e u s but to— to — to— w ell , ,

s h all we s a
y to s u ers ede u s ?
p N ow w h y s u p ers e d e u s ?
W hy not liv e and l et liv e ? Th eres not a s c rap of ill
f eelin g on o u r s id e W e sh ould w elcom e a colony of
.

immo rtal s we may almo s t call you t h at i n th e B riti s h

— —

M iddl e E a s t N O doubt th e T u r anian E mp i re with i ts

.
,

M a h om e tan t radition s ov ersh adow s u s now W e h av e

, .

h ad to b rin g th e E m p ero r wit h u s on t h i s ex p edition ,

thou g h of cou rse you k now as w ell as I do t h at h e h as

im p o s ed him s elf on my p a rty j u s t to s p y on me I dont .

d eny th at h e h as the wh ip h and o f u s to som e ext ent ,

becau s e if it cam e to a war non e of o u r g en eral s could

s tand u a ain s t hi m I iv hi m b s t at t h at am e : he
p g g e . e
g
i s th e fin es t s oldi er in th e wo rld B es ides he i s an em .
,

e ro r and an autoc r at ; and I am onl y an el e ct ed re re

p p
s en t at i v e of th e B riti s h d emoc racy N ot t h at o ur .

B r iti sh d emo c r at s wOn t fi g h t : t h ey will fi g h t th e h ead s

o ff all th e T u ranian s t h at ev er wal k ed ; b u t th en it ta k es

s o lon g to wo rk t h e m up to it w h il e h e h as only to s ay ,

th e wo rd and ma rc h B ut you p eo pl e would n ev er g et

.

on with hi m B eliev e m e you would not be as comfo rt

.
,

abl e i n T u rania as you would b e wit h u s W e und er .

s tand yo u . W e li k e you W e are ea s y g oin g p eo pl e ;

.
-

and we are rich p e o p l e T h at will a pp eal to you . .

T u r ania i s a p oo r p lac e w he n all i s s aid Fiv e e i gh th s

— .

of it i s d es ert T h ey dont i rri g at e as we do B es id es

. .

n o w I am s u re t h i s will a pp eal to you and to all ri g h t

mind e d men— we are C h ri s tian s .

Act II T rag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an 21 5

ZO ZI M . T he old un s
p f M a h
re er om e tan s .

THE ENVO Y [ s h o c k ed ] Wh at !
z oe [ d i s ti nc tl y ] T h ey p r e fe r M a h o m e tan s W h at s .

w ron g with t h at ?
THE ENVO Y W ell of all th e di s g rac eful
.
,

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [ d i p l o mati c al l y i nt errup t

i n g h i s s c an d al i z ed s on i n l aw] T h ere can b e no doubt
- -

I am af r aid t h at by clin g in g too lon g to th e o b s ol et e

,

featu res of th e old p s eudo C h ri s tian C h u rch e s we allowed

-

th e M a h om etan s to g et a h ead of u s at a v ery c ritical

eriod of th e d ev elo m ent of th e E a s t ern wo rld W h en
p p .

th e M a h om etan R efo rm ation t o ok p lac e it l e ft i ts fol ,

low ers wit h th e eno rmou s advanta g e o f h avin g th e only

e s tabli s h e d reli ion in t h e wo rld in w h o s e a r ticl es O f faith
g
any int elli g ent and e ducat ed p ers on could beli ev e .

THE ENVO Y B ut wh at about o u r R efo rmation ?

.

D ont g iv e th e s h ow away P o pp a W e foll ow ed s uit, .

,

didnt we ?
THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN Unfo rtunat ely A m . ,

b r os e we could not follow s uit v e ry r a p idly W e had

, .

no t only a reli g ion to d e al with but a C h u rc h , .

z o z nu . What i s a C hu rch ?
THE ENVO Y N ot k now wh at a Ch u rch i s ! Well !
.

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN You mu s t excu s e m e ; but .

if I att emp t ed to ex plain you would o nly ask m e wh at a

bi s h o p i s ; and th at i s a qu es tion t h at n o mo rtal man can
an s wer All I can t ell you i s t h at M a h om et was a truly
.

wi s e man ; f o r h e found ed a reli g ion with out a Ch u rch ;

con sequ ently when th e tim e cam e f o r a R efo rmation of
th e mo sq u es th er e w ere no bi s h o p s and p ri e s t s to O h
s t ruct it O ur bi s h op s and p ri es t s p rev ent ed u s f o r two
.

h und red y e a rs f r om fo llowin g s uit ; and we h av e n ev er

r e cov e r e d t h e s ta r t we lo s t t h e n I can only p l ead t hat
.

we did r efo rm o u r Ch u r ch at la s t N o doubt we h ad t o

.

mak e a f ew com p romi s es as a matt er of g ood ta s t e ; but

21 6 T rag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an P a t IV
r

t h ere i s now v ery littl e in o ur Articl es of R eli g ion th at

i s not acc ep t ed as at l e a s t all eg o rically t ru e by o u r
H i g h er C ritici sm .

T HE ENVO Y [ en c ou rag i n g l y ] B es ides do es it matt er ? ,

W hy I h av e n ev er read th e A rticl es in my life ; and I

,

am P rim e M ini s ter ! C om e ! if my s ervic es in a rran g in g

f o r th e rec ep tion of a colonizin g p a rty would b e acc ep t
abl e t h ey are at you r di s p o s al A nd wh en I s ay a
, .

r e c ep tion I m ean a r e c e tion

p R oyal h ono rs mind you !
.
,

A s alut e of a h und red and o n e g un s ! T h e s t reet s lin ed

wit h t roop s ! T h e G ua rd s tu rn ed out at th e P alac e !
D inn er at G uild h all !
Z O ZI M D i s cou r a g e m e if I know what you re tal k in g
.

about ! I wi s h Zoo would com e : sh e unders tand s th es e

t h in g s All I can t ell you i s th at t h e g en er al op inion
.

amon g th e C oloniz ers i s in favo r of b eg innin g in a

count ry wh ere th e p eop l e are of a di fferent colo r from
u s ; s o t h at we can ma k e s h o r t wo rk with out any r i sk of
mi s ta k es .

T HE ENVO Y Wh at do you m ean by sh o rt wo rk ? I

.

h Op e
z oe [ wi t h o b v i ou s l y f ge i n ed g en i al i ty ] O h , not h in g,
noth in g , not h in g W e are th in k in g of tryin g N o rt h
.

Am erica : t h at s all You s ee, th e R ed M en of t h at

.

count ry u s ed to b e wh it e T hey p a s sed th rou g h a p eriod

.

of s allow compl exion s , foll o w ed by a p eriod O f no com

l ex i o n s at all into t h e r ed c h a ract er i s tic of t h ei r
p , '

cl imat e B es id es sev eral ca s e s of lon g lif e h av e

.
,

occu rred in N o rth A m erica T h ey j oin ed u s h ere ; and

.

t h ei r s tock s oon rev ert ed to th e o ri g inal wh ite of th es e

i sland s .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN B ut h av e you c on s id ered .

th e p o s s ibility of you r colony tu rnin g red ?

z o z nvr T h at wont matt er
. W e are not p a rticula r
.

about o u r p i g m entation T h e old book s m ention red

.
21 8 Tr ag edy of an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art IV
fl esh i s as g ra s s it i s t he mos t unb ea rab l e bu rde n o ur
,

o o r to r tu red h umanity h as ev er g r oan e d und er

p .

THE ENVO Y H ul lo P o pp a ! S t eady ! H ow do you

'

.
,

ma k e t h at out ?
z oz m . Wh at i s t h ree h und red y e a rs ? S h o r t e nou gh ,

if you ask me W hy in th e old day s you p eop l e liv ed

.
,

on th e a s s ump tion t h at you w ere g oin g to la s t out f o r

e v er and ev er and ev er Immo rtal you t h ou gh t you r
.
,

s elv es . Were you any h app i er th en ?

T HE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN A s P res id ent of the
B a g hdad H i s to rical S o ci ety I am in a p o s ition to info rm
.

you t h at t h e communiti es wh ic h t o o k th i s mo n s t r ou s
r et en s ion s er iou s ly w ere t h e mo s t w re tc h ed of w h ic h
p
we h av e any re co rd M y S oci ety has p rint ed an editio
.

p r inc e s of th e wo rk s of th e fat h er of h i s to ry
p T h n ey ,

d er o d o tu s M ac o l l yb u c kl e H a v e you read h i s account

.

of wh at was bla sph emou s ly call ed th e P erfect C ity of

G od and th e att em p t mad e to rep ro duc e it in th e no rt h
,

ern p a r t of t h es e i s land s by Jo n h o b s n o x i u s call ed the ,

L eb i ath an ? T h o s e mi s g uid ed p eo p l e s ac rific ed th e fra g

m ent of life th at was g rant ed to th em in an i m a g ina ry
immo rtality T h ey c rucifi ed th e p ro ph et wh o told t h em
.

to tak e no th ou g h t f o r th e mo rrow and t h at h ere and ,

now was t h ei r A u s t r alia : A u s t ralia b ein g a t erm s i g ni

f y i n g p aradi s e o r an e t e rnity of bli s s
,
T h ey t ri ed to
.

roduc e a c ondition of d eath in life : to m ort i f y t h e fl e sh

p ,

as t h ey c all ed it .

Z O ZI M . Well you are not s u fferin g from t hat are

, ,

you ? You h av e not a mo rtifi ed ai r .

T HE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN N atur ally we are not

.

ab s olut ely in s an e and s uicidal N ev er th el es s we imp o s e

.

on ou rs elv es abs tin enc es and di s ci p lin es and s tudi es th at

are m e ant to p rep a r e u s f o r livin g t h ree c entu ri es A nd .

we s eldom liv e o n e My c h ildh ood was m ad e u n n ec es

.

s ari l
y p ainful my , b oy h ood unn ec ess a rily labo ri ou s by ,
A ct II T r age dy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 21 9

i d ul o us p rep a ration s f o r a l en g th o f day s w h ich the

r ci

c h anc es were fifty t h ou s and to o n e a g ain s t my ev er

attainin g I h av e b een ch eat ed out of th e natu ral j oy s
.

and f ree dom s of my lif e by th i s d ream to wh ic h th e

exi s t enc e of t hes e i s lands and th ei r o r acl es g iv es a
d elu s iv e p o s s ibility of realization I cu rs e t h e day wh en
.

lon g life was inv e nt ed , j u s t as t h e victim s of Jo n h obs

n o xi u s cu rs ed t h e day w h en e t ernal lif e w as inv ent e d .

z oe P oo h ! You could liv e t h ree c entu ri es if you

.

c h oo s e .

THE EL D E R LY GEN T LEMAN T h at i s wh at the f or

.

tun ate alway s s ay to th e unfo rtunat e Well , I do not

.

ch oo s e I accep t my t h ree s co re and ten y e a r s I f th ey

. .

are fil l ed with u s e fuln es s , wit h j u s tic e , wi th m er cy , with

g o o d will
-

: if t h ey are t h e lif etim e of a s oul t h at n ev er

lo ses i ts h ono r and a b rain th at n ever lo s es i ts ea g e rn es s ,

t hey are enou g h f o r m e, becau s e t h es e t h in g s are infinit e
and et ernal , and can mak e ten of my y ea rs as lon g as
t h irty of you rs I s h all not conclud e by s ayin g liv e as
.

lon g as you li k e and be damn ed to you , be cau s e I h av e

ri s en f o r th e mom ent f ar abov e any i ll will to you o r to-

any fell o w c reatu re ; but I am you r equal be fo re t hat

-

e t ernity in wh ich th e di ff er enc e be tw ee n you r life tim e

and min e i s as th e di ff ere nc e be tw een o n e d r op of wat er

an d t h r ee in t h e ey es of th e A lmi g h ty P ow er from w h ich

we h av e bot h p ro c eeded .

z oz m [ p
i m r e ssed ] You s p o k e t h at p i e c e v e ry w ell ,

D addy I couldnt tal k li k e th at if I t ri ed It s oun d ed

. .

fi n e A h ! h ere com e th e ladi es

. .

T o h i s rel i ef t hey h av e j us t app eared o n t he

,

th res h o l d o f th e t emp l e .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN [ p as s i ng f rom emal tati o n

t o d i s tre s s ] It m e an s not h in g to hi m : i n t h i s land of d i s
c o u r ag em en t th e s ublim e h as b e com e t h e ridiculou s .

h e h o el es s l z z l ed Z o z i m ]
“ B eh old ,
[ T u rn i n g on t p y p u
220 Trag edy o f . an E ld erly Gen tl em an Part I V

t h ou h a s t m ad e my day s as it w ere a sp an lo n g ; and

”
min e ag e i s ev en as not h in g in respe ct of th ee .

T H E DAUGHTE R
P o pp a P O
ppa : dont , loo k
[ ru n n i n g li k e t h at .

t o hi m ] O h g rand p a wh at s th e
, ,
T H E W I FE
matt er ?
Z O Z I M [ wi th a s h ru ] D i s cou r a g e m ent !
g
THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN [ th ro wi n g o fl the wo men '

wi th a s up e rb g es tu re ] L ia r ! [ R ec o l l ec ti n g h i ms el f h e ,

ad d s wi th no bl e c o u r t esy r ai s i ng h i s h at an d b o wi n g ] I
, ,

b eg you r p a rdon si r ; but I am N O T di s cou r a g ed

, .

A b u rs t o
f o rc h es tr al m u s i c , t h ro ug h wh i c h a p o wer

ul i r o m t h e tem l e Z oo , i n a
f g on g s o und s , s h eard
f p .

u rp l e ro b e a p ears in t h e d oo rway
p ,
p .

z oo . C om e T h e o r acl e i s ready
. .

Z o z i m mo ti on s th em to the th res h ol d wi th a wav e o f

h i s s taff . T he E n v oy an d th e E l d erl y G
en tl eman tak e

o
ff th e i r h at s an d
g o i n to t h e t em p l e on t i p t o e, Z oo

l ead i n g th e way T h e W i f e an d D aug h ter, f ri g h ten ed

.

as the y are, r ai s e th ei r h ead s u p p i s h l y an d f o l l o w fl at

o o ted s u s tai n ed b y a s ens e o n da l o th es an d
f , f t h ei r S u y c

s o c i al c o n s equ en c e Z oz i m r emai n s i n th e p or ti c o , al o ne
. .

ZO Z I M [ tak i n g o ff hi s wi g b eard, an d ro be and

, ,

b u n dl i n g them un d er h i s arm] O uf [H e g oes home ] .

22 2 Trag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P art IV
‘

[ [ v ery nerv o u s , tak es out

THE ENVO Y p f a ap er to re res h

[ si mul
h i s memory ] A h em !
tun c o u s l y ]
T H E DAUGHTER ] [ [ al armed ] T h e p yth on
J es s I s s h e a s na k e ? .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN T ch c h ! T he p ri es t es s .

-

of th e o racl e A s ybil A p ro ph et es s N ot a sna k e

. . . .

THE W I FE H o w awful !
.

zo o I m g lad you t h in k s o
.
’
.

THE W I FE O h d ea r ! D ont you t h in k s o ?

.

zo o N o T h i s s o rt of th in g i s g o t up to imp res s
. .

you , not to imp res s m e .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN I wi sh you would l et it .

im p r ess u s , t h en , madam I am d eep ly im p ress ed ; but

.

you are s p oilin g th e effect .

z oo. You j u s t wait All th i s bu s in es s with colo red

.

li g ht s and c ho rd s on t h at old o rg an i s only tom f ool ery .

W ait till you s ee th e p yt h on es s .

T h e E n v o y s wi f e f al l s on h er k nees an d tak es
’
,

ref u g e i n ray e r
p .

THE DAUGHTER [ t rembl i ng ] A re you really g oin g to

s ee a woman wh o h as liv e d t h ree h undr e d y e a r s ?

z oo. S tu ff ! Youd d r o p d ead if a t er tia r y as much

as loo k ed at you T h e o racl e i s only a h und red and
.

s ev enty ; and youll find it h a r d e nou g h to s tand h e r .

THE DAUGHTER [ p i teo u s l y ] O h ! [ s he f al l s o n her

k n ees ] .

THE ENVO Y W h ew ! S tand by me, P o pp a T hi s i s

. .

a littl e mo re t h an I ba r g ain ed f o r A re you go in g to .

k n eel ; o r h o w ?
THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN P e rh ap s it would b e in .

b ett er ta st e .

T he two m en k n eel .

T h e v ap o r o f t h e aby s s t h i c k en s ; an d ad i s tan t r o l l
o f th u n d er s eems to c o me f ro m i ts d ep th s . T he p y tho n
Act III T rag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 2 23

es s, s eated on her tri p o d r i s es s l o wl y f ro m i t

, S he h as .

di s c ard ed the i ns u l ati ng r o be an d v ei l i n whi c h s h e c o n

v ersed wi th N a o l eon an d i s n o w d ra ed an d h o o d ed i n
p , p
v o l u mi n o u s
f o ld s o
f a s i n le
g p i ec e o
f g y
re w h i t e s tu ff
-

S o me th i ng s up ern atu r al ab o u t h er terri fies th e b e

h o l d ers wh o th ro w th em sel v es o n thei r f ac es
, H er o u t .

l i n e fl ows an d wav es : s h e i s al mo s t di s ti nc t a t mo men ts ,

an d ag ai n v ag u e an d s h ad o wy : ab o v e al l s he i s l arg er ,

th an l i f e s i z e n o t en ou g h to be me as u red b y th e flus tered

-

c o n g reg ati on bu t en o ug h t o aff ec t t h em wi th a d read ul

, f
s en s e o
f h er s u ern atural n es s
p
G
.

z oo . et u ,
p g et u
p D o p ull .you r s elv e s to et h er ,
g
you p e op l e .

T h e E n v o y an d h i s f ami l y, by s hu dd eri ng ne
g a ti v el ,
y
i n ti mate th at i t i s i mp o s s i bl e T h e E l d erl y . G tlen em an

m an ag es to g e t o n h i s h an d s an d k n ees .

zo o . C om e on D addy : you are not afraid S p eak to

, .

h er .S h e wont wait h ere all day f o r you you k now , .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [ ri si ng v ery d ef eren ti al l y

t o h i s f ee t ] M adam : you will excu s e my v e ry natu ral
n ervou s n es s in add res s in g f o r th e fi rs t tim e in my life
, ,

a — a — a — a g odd es s My f ri end and relativ e th e E nvoy

.

i s un h in g ed I th row my s elf u p on you r indul g enc e

.

zo o [ i n terr up ti ng h i m i n to le ran tl y ] D ont th ro w you r

s elf o n an y th i n g b elon gi n g to h r o r you will g o r i h t
’

e
g
t h rou gh h e r and b reak you r n eck S h e i snt s olid li k e .
,

you .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN I was sp e ak in g fi g

.

u r at i v el y

zo o You h av e be en told n ot t o d o it A sk h er wh at
. .

you want to k now ; and b e quick about it .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN [ s to op i n g an d t ak i n g th e

r os tr ate E n v o y b y th e s h ou ld ers ] A mb r o s e : you mu s t
p
ma k e an eff o rt You cannot g o back to B a g h dad with
.

out th e an s w ers to you r qu es tion s .

2 24 T rag edy o f an E ld erly G tl m a
en e n P art IV
THE ENVO Y [ ri s i n g to h i s k nees ] I sh all b e only too
g lad to g o bac k aliv e on any t erm s If my l e s would
g .

s u pp o r t m e I d j u s t do a bun k s t r ai g h t f o r th e s h i
’
p .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN N o no R em embe r

.
, .

you r di g nity
THE ENVO Y D i g nity be damn ed ! I m t errifi ed
.
’
.

T a k e me away f o r G od s s a k e
’
, .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [ p rod uc i ng a b ran dy fl as k

an d taki n g th e c ap 0 7 7 ] T r
y s om e of t h i s It i s s till .

n e a rly full t h an k g oodn es s !

,

THE ENVO Y [ c l u t c h i n g i t an d dri n k i ng eag erl y ] A h !

t h at s be tt er [ H e. tr i e s t o d r i n k a g ai n F i n d i n
g th a t .

h e h as emp ti ed i t h e h and s i t b ac k to h i s
, f ath er i n l aw- -

up s i d e d o wn ] .

THE ELDER LY GENTLEMAN [ tak i ng i t ] Great h eav en s !

H e h as s wallow ed h alf a p int of n e at b r andy - -

.
[ M uc h
er tu r b ed , he s c rews t he ca on a ai n , and o c k e ts t he
p p g p
fl as k ] .

THE ENVO Y [ s tag g eri n g to h i s f eet ; p u l l i n

g a a
p p er

ro m hi o c k e t ; an d s eak i n w i h b o i s terous c on
f s
p p g t fi
d en c e] Get u , M olly
p U p wit h you.
, E t h .

T h e two wo men ri s e to th ei r k n ees .

THE ENVO Y Wh at I wan t to a sk i s th i s [ He ref ers

. .

t o th e p ap er ] A h em ! C ivilization h as reach ed a c ri s i s
. .

W e are at th e p a r tin g of th e way s W e s tand on t h e .

b rin k of th e R ubicon S h all we tak e t h e plun g e ? A l

.

re ady a l eaf h as b een to rn out of th e boo k of th e S ybil .

S h all we wait until th e wh ol e volum e i s con sum ed ? O n

o ur ri g h t i s th e c r at e r of t h e volcano : on o ur l eft th e

r eci p ic e O n e fal s e s t ep , and we g o down t o anni h ila

'

p .

tion d r a g g in g th e wh ol e h uman rac e with u s [ He .

a u s es f o r b reath ]
p .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN [ rec o v eri n g h i s s p i ri ts un

d e r the f am l i ar s ti mul u s o f p o l i ti c al o ratory ] H ea r,
i

h ea r !
2 26 T rag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an P a t IVr

z oo . I dont k no w D o es anybody ? .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN [ tac tf ul ly ] Y o u w ere j u s t

comin g to th e el ection I t h ink , .

THE ENVO Y [reas su red ] Ju s t s o T h e el e ction N o w . .

wh at we want t o k now i s th i s : ou g h t we to di s s olve in

A u g u s t o r p u t it o ff until n ext s p rin g ?
,

z o o D i s s olve ? In wh at ? [ T h un der] O h ! I b eg
. .

you r pa rd on T h at m ean s t h at th e o racl e und erstand s

.

you and d es i res me to h old my to n g u e

, .

THE ENVO Y [ ferv en tl y ] I t h ank t h e o racl e .

THE W I FE [ to Z o o ] S erv e you r i g ht !

T HE ELDE R LY GENTLEMAN B efo re th e o r acl e repli e s .
,

I s h ould li k e to b e allow ed to s tat e a f ew of t h e rea son s

why in my o p inion th e G ov ernm ent s hould h old on until
, ,

th e s p rin g In th e fi rs t
G
.

T erri
fi c l i g h ti n g an d T h e E t h und er
ld er l y en t
. l e

man i s k n o c k ed flat ; b u t as he i mmedi atel y s i ts up ag ai n

d az edl y i t i s c l ear th at h e i s n o ne th e wors e f or th e s h o c k .

T h e l ad i es c o wer i n terro r T he E n v o y s ha t i s bl o wn
’
.

o f ; bu t h e s ei z es i t j u s t as i t qu i t s h i s temp l es an d h o l d s ,

i t on wi th b o th h an d s H e i s r ec k l ess l y d runk b u t qui te

. ,

ar ti c ul ate as he s el do m s p eak s i n p u bl i c wi th o u t t ak i n g
,

s ti mu l an t s b ef o r e ha nd .

THE ENVO Y [ tak i n g o n e h an d f ro m h i s hat t o mak e a

g e s tu re o
f s t i l l i n g th e tem es t ] T h at s e nou g h
p W e k n ow .

h ow to ta k e a h int I ll p ut th e c a se in th ree wo rd s I
’
. .

am th e l ead er of th e P o tterbi l l p a r ty My p a rty i s in .

ow I am P r im M ini s t er T h O o s ition — t h
p er . e e
pp . e

R o tterj ac k s h av e won ev ery b y e el e ction f o r th e la s t

— -

s i x mont h s T h ey .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [ s c rambl i ng heatedl y to h i s

f ]
ee t N o t by fai r m e an s B y b rib ery , by mi s re re s ent s
.
p
tion , by p and erin g to th e vil es t p rej udic es [ mu ttered
thun d er ] I b eg you r p a r don
-

[ H e i s s i l en t ]
. .

THE ENVO Y N ev e r mind th e b ri b ery and li es T h e

. .
A ct III Trag edy o f an E ld erly G en tl em an 2 27

o racl e k now s all about th at T h e po int i s th at t h ou g h .

o ur fi v e y e a rs will no t ex i re until th e y e a r aft er n ext

p ,

o u r maj o rity will b e eat en away at t h e b e el ection s by

y
-

about E a s t er W e cant wait : we mu s t sta rt s om e qu es

.

tion t h at will excit e th e p ublic and g o to t h e count ry ,

on it B ut s om e of u s s ay do it now O t h er s s ay wait
. .

til th e sp rin g W e cant ma k e up o ur mind s o n e way o r

.

t h e ot h e r Wh ich would you advi s e ?

.

zo o B ut wh at i s t h e qu es tion th at i s to excit e you r

.

p ublic ?
THE ENVO Y T h at do es nt matt er I dont k now yet
. . .

W e will find a qu es tion all ri gh t enou g h T h e o racl e .

can fo res ee th e futu re ; we cannot [ T h und er] W h at . .

do es t h at m ean W h at h a v e I don e n o w ?
?

z o o [ s ev erel y ] H o w oft en mu s t you be told t h at we

cannot fo res ee th e futu re ? T h ere i s no s uc h thin g as

t h e futu re until it i s th e p resent .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN A ll o w me to p oint out .

,

madam t h at w h e n th e P o tt erb i ll p a r ty s ent to con sult

,

th e o r acl e fift e en y ea rs a g o th e o racl e p ro p h es i ed t h at,

t h e P o t terb i l l s would b e victo riou s at th e G e n eral E l e c

tion ; and t h ey w ere S o it i s evident t h at th e o racl e
.

can fo rs ee th e futu re and i s s om etim es willin g to re

,

v e al it .

THE ENVO Y Quit e t ru e T han k you P o pp a I ap

. .
, .

e al now ov er you r h e ad youn woman di r e ct to th e

p , g , ,

A u g u s t O r acl e to rep eat th e s i g nal favo r conferred o n

,

my illu s t riou s p red ec es s o r S i r Full er E as twind and t o

, ,

an swer me exactly as h e was an s w ered .

T h e o rac l e rai s es h er h an d to c o mm an d s i l en c e .

ALL S h sh sh !
.
- -

I n vi s i b l e tr o mbo n es u t ter th r ee s o l emn b l as t s i n th e

D i e Z aub erfl ote
'

man ner o f .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN . M ay I

2 28 Trag edy of an E ld erly G en tl em an P art IV
zo o [ qui c k l y ] H u sh T h e o r acl e i s .
g oin g to s
p e ak .

THE ORA C LE G o h om e po o r fool.

, .

S h e v an i s h es ; an d the atmo sp her e c h ang es to p ro s ai c

d ayl i g h t Z o o c ome s 0 7
“ h il i h
.
7 t e r a n
g ; t r o ws o ff h er

ro b e ; mak es a b un d l e o f i t ; an d tuc k s i t u n d er h er arm .

T h e mag i c an d my s tery are g o n e T he wome n r i se to .

th ei r f eet T h e E n v o y s p arty s tare at o n e an o th er

’
.

h el p les s l y .

zoo T h e s am e reply , wo rd f o r wo rd , t h at you r i l lu s

.

t ri o us p red ec ess o r , as you call h i m , g o t fift een y e a rs

ag o . You a s k ed f o r it ; and you g o t it A nd j u s t t hin k .

of all t h e imp o rtant qu es tion s you mi g h t h av e a sk ed .

S h e would h av e an s w er ed th em , you k now It i s alway s .

li k e th at I will g o and a rr an g e to h av e you s ent h om e

.

you can wait f o r m e in th e entranc e h all [ S h e g oes .

out ] .

THE ENVO Y Wh at po s s es sed m e to ask f o r th e s am e

.

an s w er old E a s twind g o t ?
THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN B ut it was not th e s am e .

an swer T h e an s w e r to E a s twind was an in sp i r ation to

.

o ur
p a r ty f o r y ea r s It won u s t h e el e ction
. .

THE E N V O Y s DAUGHTER I l e a r nt it at s ch ool g r a up a

’
.
, .

It wa s nt the s am e at all I can rep eat it [ S h e quo tes ]

. .

“Wh en B r itain w as c r adl ed in th e w es t t h e ea s t wind

,

h a rd en ed h er and mad e h er g reat W h il s t th e ea s t wind .

revail s B r itain sh all p r o s p er T h e ea s t wind s h all

p .

wither B ritain s en emi es in th e day of cont es t L et th e

’
.

”
R o t terj ac k s loo k to it .

THE ENVO Y T h e old man inv ent ed t h at I s ee it all

. . .

H e w as a dodd erin g old as s w hen h e cam e to c on s ult th e

“
o racl e T h e o r acl e natu rally s aid G o h om e p oor fool ”
.
.
,

T h ere was no s en s e in s ayin g th at to me ; but as th at

g i rl s aid I a s k e d f o r it
, W h at el s e could t h e
.
p oo r old
c h a p do but fak e up an an s w er fit f o r p ublication ?
23 0 T rag edy of an E ld erly Gen tl em an P a t IV r

H e g o es o u t,
f o ll o wed by h i s wi f e an d d au g h t er .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN [ l ef t al on e an d s hri n k i ng

i n to an o l d an d d es o l ate fig u re] Wh at am I to do ? I
am a mo s t p erp l ex ed and w re tc h ed man [ H e f al l s on .

hi s k n ees , an d s tretc h es h i s h an d s i n en trea ty o v er th e

aby s s ] . I invo k e th e o racl e I cannot g o bac k and con
.

niv e at a bla s p hemou s l i e I imp lo re g uidanc e

. .

T h e P y th o n es s wal k s i n on the g all ery behi nd hi m,

an d to uc h es h i m o n th e s h o ul d er H er si z e i s n o w n atu
.

ral . H e r f ac e i s hi d d en by h er ho o d H e fli nc hes as i f .

r o m an el ec tri c s h o c k ; tu rn s t o h er ; an d c o wers , c ov er
f
i ng hi s eyes i n t err o r .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN N o : not clos e to m e I m .

’
.

af raid I cant b ea r it .

THE O RACLE [ wi th g rav e p i ty ] C om e : look at m e I .

am my natu ral s iz e now : wh at you s aw t h ere was only a

fooli sh p ictu re of m e th rown on a cloud by a lant er n .

H o w can I h el p you ?
THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN T h ey h av e g on e back to .

l i e about you r an s w er I cannot g o wit h t h em

. I cannot .

liv e amon g p eo p l e to w h om not h in g i s real I h av e be .

com e inca p abl e of it th rou gh my s tay h ere I implo re .

to be allowed to s tay .

T HE ORACLE M y fri end : if you s tay with u s you w i ll

.

di e of d i s cou ra g em ent .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN I f I g o back I s h all di e .

o f di s g u s t and d e sp ai r I tak e th e nobl er ri s k I b eg

. .

you do not ca s t m e out

, .

H e c atc h es h er ro b e an d h o l d s h er .

THE ORACLE T a k e ca re I hav e b een h ere o n e h u n

. .

d re d and s ev enty y e a rs You r d e at h do es n o t m ean to '

m e w h at it m ean s to y o u .

THE ELDERL Y GENTLEMAN It i s th e m e anin g of life .

,

n ot of d eat h t h at ma k e s bani sh m ent s o t err ibl e to m e

, .

T HE O RACLE B e it s o th en You may s tay

.
, . .
Act II I Tr ag edy o f an E ld erly Gen tl em an 23 1

S h e o ff ers h i m h er h and s . H e g ras p s th em an d rais es

h i ms el f a l i t tl e b y c l i n g i n g to h er . S h e l o o k s s teadi l y
i n to i ts f ac e H e s ti ff en s ; a l i t tl e c o n v u l s i o n s h ak es h i m ;
.

h i s g ras p rel eas es ; an d h e f all s d ead .

THE ORACLE [ l o o k i n g d o wn at the bo dy ] P o o r s h o rt

liv ed t hin g ! W hat el s e coul d I d o f o r you ?
 AS F A R A S T H O U GH T C A N RE A C H

S u mmer af tern o on i n th e y ear A D. . A s un l i t

g l ad e at t h e s ou th ern
f oo t o
f a t h i c k l y wo o d ed h il l O n .

t h e wes t s i d e o f i t th e s tep s an d c o l umned p o rc h o f a

,

d ai n ty l i t tl e c l as si c temp l e . B e tween i t an d th e h il l a ,

ri s i n g p at h to th e wo o d ed h ei g h ts b eg i ns wi th r o ug h

s ton es i n t h e m o s s O n th e O o s i te s id e
s te s o
p f .
pp a ,

g r o v e. I n t h e m id dl e o
f th e g l a d e , a n al tar i n t he f o

o f a l o w m arb l e tab l e as l o n as a man s et a ral l el t o

g , p
th e temp l e s tep s an d p o i n t i ng t o th e h i l l . Cu rv ed m arbl e
benc h es radi ate f ro m i t i n to th e f oreg r o u n d ; b u t th ey
are no t j o i n ed to i t : t h ere i s p l en ty o f sp ac e t o p as s b e
t ween th e al tar an d th e b enc h es .

A d anc e o f y o u ths and maid en s i s i n p rog res s T he

.

mus i c i s p rov i d ed by a f ew fl u tep l ayers s eated c arel ess l y

o n th e s te s o f t he temp l e T h ere are n o c hi l d ren ; an d
p .

n o ne o f th e d an c ers s eems y oun g er t h an ei g h teen S o me

.

o f t h e y o u th s h av e b eard s . T h ei r d res s l i k e th e arc hi

,

tec ture o f th e the atre and t h e d es i g n o f th e al tar an d

c u rv ed s ea ts , res emb l es G rec i an o f th e f ou r th c en tu r
y
B C , f reel y h an dl ed
. . . T hey mo v e wi th p erf ec t b al an c e
an d remark abl e g r ac e rac i n g t h ro ug h a fig ure l i k e a
,

r and o l e T h ey ne i th er r o m n o r hu i n o u r m an n er
f a .
p g .

A t th e fi rs t f u l l c l o s e th ey c l ap t h ei r h an d s to s to p t h e
mu s i c i an s , wh o rec o mmen c e wi th a s ar aban d d u ri n g .

wh i c h a s t r an g e fig ure ap p ears o n th e p at h b ey o nd t h e
temp l e . H e i s d eep i n t h oug h t wi th hi s ey es c l o s ed an d
,
23 6 As Far As T h ough t C an R eac h P a rt V

his f ee t f eel i n g au to ma ti c al l y f or th e ro ug h i rreg ul ar

s te
p s as he d es c en d s th em
s o wl y
l E xc ep t f o r a s o r t o f
.

l i n e n k il t c o n s i s ti n g m ai n l y o f a g i rdl e c arryi n g a s p o r
ran an d a ew mi n o r o c k e ts h e i s n ak ed I n p h y s i c al
f p , .

h ard i h o o d an d up ri g h tn es s h e s eem s to be i n th e p ri me
o
f f l i e ; an d h i s ey e s a n d m ou t h s h o w n o s i g n o f ga e;

but h i s f ac e th o ug h f u l l y an d firml y fl es hed , b ears a ne t

,

wo rk o f l i n es v aryi ng f ro m f u rro ws to h ai rb read th

,

re ti c u l ati o n s as i f T i me h ad wo rk ed o v er ev ery i nc h o f
,

i t i n c es s an tl y th ro ug h wh o l e g eo l o g i c p eri o d s H i s h ead .

i s fin el y d o med an d u t terl y bal d E x c ep t f o r h i s eye

.

l as h es h e i s qui te h ai rl es s H e i s un c ons c i ou s o f h i s s u r
.

r oun d i n g s , and wal k s ri g h t i n t o o ne o f th e d an c i ng

c o up l es , s e arat i n
p g t h em H e w a k es
. up an d s tares

ab o u t h i m . T h e c o up l e s top i n d i g n an tl y T h e rest .

s to T h e m us i c s t o s T h e y ou th wh o m h e h as j os tl ed
p.
p .

acc o s ts h i m wi th o u t mal i c e b ut wi th ou t an y th i n g t h at
,

we s h o ul d c all man n ers .

THE Y OUTH N ow , t h en , anci ent Sl eep wal k er , wh y

.

dont you k eep you r ey es op en and mind wh ere you are

g oin g?
THE ANC I ENT [ mi l d bl an d an d i n dul g en t ] I did not
,

k now t h er e was a nu rs ery h ere, o r I sh ould not h av e

tu rn ed my fac e in th i s di rection S uch accid ent s cannot .

alway s b e avoided G o on with you r p lay : I will tu rn

.

b ack .

THE YO UTH W hy not s tay with u s and enj oy life f o r

.

onc e in a way ? W e w i ll t e ach you to danc e .

T HE ANC I ENT N o , t h an k you I danc ed wh en I was

. .

a c h ild li k e you D ancin g i s a v ery c rud e att emp t to

.

et into th e rh yt h m of life It would b ainful to m

g e.
p e

to g o back f rom t h at rhyth m t o you r babyi s h g ambol s

in fact I coul d not do it if I t ri ed B ut at you r ag e i t .

i s pl ea s ant ; and I am s o rry I di s tu rb ed you .

T HE Y OUTH C om e ! own up : a rnt you v ery unh a p py ?

.
238 As Far As T h oug ht C an Rea c h P art V

THE MA I DEN H o w do you k now ? I do not look so

.

muc h old er do I ?,

THE A NC I ENT O h I was not loo k in g at you You r

.
, .

loo k s do not int eres t me .

THE MAI DEN T h an k you . .

T hey al l l aug h .

TH E YO UT H You old fi sh ! I beli ev e you dont k now

.

the di ff erenc e b etw e en a m an and a woman .

THE ANC I EN T It h as lon g c ea s ed to int eres t me in th e

.

way it int eres ts you A nd wh en anyt h in g no lon g er i n

.

t eres ts us we no lon g er k now it .

T HE MA I DEN Y ou h av n t told me h o w I sh ew my ag e
. .

T h at i s w h at I want t o know A s a matt er of fact I

.

am old er t han t h i s boy h ere : old er th an h e t hink s Ho w .

did you find t h at out ?

THE ANC I ENT E a s ily enou gh Y ou are c ea s in g to
'

. .

ret end t at t es
h h e c h ildi sh am — t h i dancin and
p g e s s
g
s in in and matin — do not b e com e ti res om e and un s at
g g g
i s f y i n g aft er a wh il e A nd you no lon g er ca re to p re
.

t end th at you are youn g er th an you are T h ese are th e .

s i n s of adol es c enc e
g A nd t
. h e n s ee t h es e fanta s tic r a s
, g
with wh ich you h av e d r ape d y o u rs elf [H e tak es up a .

p i ec e o f h e r d rap eri es i n h i s h an d ] It i s r a th er badly

.

wo rn h ere W hy do you not g et a n ew on e ?

.

THE MAI DEN O h I did not notic e it B es id es i t i s

.
, .
,

too much t roubl e C loth es are a nui s anc e I th ink I

. .

s h all do wit h out th e m s o m e day as you anci ent s d o , .

THE ANC I EN T S i g n s of matu rity S oon you w i ll g i v e

. .

up all t h ese toy s and g am es and s w ee t s .

T H E Y OUTH Wh at ! A nd b e as mi s erabl e as y o u !
.

THE AN CI ENT Infant : o n e mom ent of th e e c s ta sy of

.

life as we liv e it would s t ri k e you d e ad [He s tal k s .

g r av el
y h
ou t
t ro u h t h e
g g ro v e ] .

T hey s tare af ter h i m, muc h d amp ed .

P art V As Far As T ho ug h t Can Re ac h 23 9

THE Y O UTH [ to the mu s i c i an s ] L et us h av e an o t h er

danc e .

T h e mus i c i an s s h ak e th ei r h ead s ; g e t u p f ro m t h ei r
s eats on th e s tep s ; an d tro o p away i nt o th e t emp l e .

T h e o th ers f o l l o w th em exc ep t the M ai d en , wh o s i ts

,

d o wn o n th e al tar .

THE Y OUTH [ tu rn i ng on th e s teps ] A rnt you comin g ,

C hlo e ?
T HE MA I DEN [ s h ak es h er h ead ]
THE Y OUTH [ hurryi n g b ac k to h er] Wh at i s t he
matt er ?
THE M A I DEN [ trag i c all y p ensi v e] I dont k now .

THE Y OUTH T h en t h ere i s s om et h in g t h e matter 1 8

. .

t h at wh at you m ean ?
THE MA I DEN Y es S om eth in g i s h appe nin g to me
. . .

I dont k now wh at .

THE Y OUTH You no lon g er lov e m e I h av e s een it

. .

f o r a mont h p a s t .

THE MA I DEN D ont you t hink all th at i s rath er s illy ?

.

W e cannot g o on as if t h i s k ind of t h in g , t h i s dancin g

and s weeth e a rtin g , w ere everyth in g .

THE Y OUTH W h at i s t h ere b ett er ? W hat el s e i s

.

th ere wo r th livin g f o r ?
THE MA I DEN O h , stu ff D ont be frivolou s
. .

THE Y OUTH S om e t h in g h o rribl e i s h ap p enin g to you

. .

You are lo s in g all h ea r t , all f eelin g [ H

. e s i ts on th e

al t ar b es i d e h er an d b u ri e s h i s f ac e i n h i s h an d s ] I am .

bitt erly un h ap p y .

THE MA I DEN Unh a pp y ! R eally , you mu s t h av e a

.

v ery emp ty h ead if th ere i s noth in g i n it but a danc e

with o n e g i rl who i s no b ett er t h an any of th e oth er
g i rl s.

THE Y OUTH You did not alway s t h ink s o Y ou u s ed

. .

to b e v ex ed if I as much as loo k ed at anoth er g i rl .

TH E MA I DEN W h at do es it matt er w h at I did wh en

.
240 As Far As T h ough t C an Reac h P art V

I was a b aby ? N oth in g exi s t ed f o r m e th en exc ep t wh at

I ta s t ed and touch ed and s aw ; and I want ed all th at f o r
my s elf j u s t as I want ed th e moon to p lay wit h N ow
, .

th e wo rld i s o p enin g out f o r m e M o re t h an th e wo rld :

.

th e univ ers e E v en littl e th in g s are tu rnin g out to b e

.

re at t h in gs and b ecomin int en s ely int ere s tin H av

g , g g e .

y ou ev er th ou g h t about th e p rop erti es of numb ers ?

THE YO UTH [ si t ti ng up mark edl y d i s en c h an ted ] N um
,

b er s ! I cann ot ima g in e anyth in g d ri er o r mo re re

p ul s iv e.

THE MA I DEN T h ey are fa s cinatin g j u s t fa s cinatin g

.
, .

I want to g et away from o ur et ernal dancin g and mu s ic ,

and j u s t si t down by my s elf and t hi n k about numb er s .

T H E Y OUTH [ ri s i n g i n d i g nan tl y ] O h th i s i s too much , .

I hav e su s p ect ed you f o r s om e tim e p a s t W e h av e all .

s u s e ct ed you
p A ll t h e g i rl s s ay t h at you h av e d e c eiv ed
.

u s as to you r ag e : th at you ar e g ettin g flat c h es t ed ; -

t h at you are bo r ed with u s ; t h at you tal k to t h e anci ents

wh en you g et th e c h anc e T ell me t h e t ruth : h ow old
.

are you ?
THE MAI D E N Ju s t twic e you r ag e my p oo r boy
. ,

T HE Y OUTH T wic e my ag e ! D o you m ean to s ay

.

you are fou r ?

THE MA I DEN V ery n ea rly fou r
. .

T HE Y OUT H [ c o l l ap s i n g on th e al tar wi th a g ro an ]
Oh !
TH E MAI DEN M y po o r S t reph on : I p ret end ed I was
.

only two f o r you r s ak e I was two wh en you w ere bo rn

. .

I s aw you b reak from you r s hell ; and you w ere s uch a

c h a rmin g ch ild ! You ran round an d tal k ed to u s all so
rettily and w e re s o h and s om e and w ell g ro wn t h at I
p , ,

lo s t my h ea r t to you at onc e B ut now I s eem to h av e

.

lo s t it alto g eth er ; bi g g er th in gs are ta k in g p o s s es sion

of m e S till we w ere v ery happ y in o ur ch ildi sh way
.
,

f o r th e fi r t y ea r w eru t we ?
s ,
24 2 As Far As T h oug h t C an Reach P a rt V

se lves co m fo rtabl e T hey will n o t s l eep und er a roof

. .

T h ey will not clot h e t h em selv es : a g i rdl e wit h a f ew

p oc k e t s h an in
g g to it to ca rry t h in s about in i s all
g
t h ey w ea r : th ey will si t down on th e wet m o s s o r in a
g o rs e bu s h w h en t h ere i s d r
y h eat h er withi n two ya rd s

of t h em . T wo y ea r s ag o wh e n you w ere bo rn I did n o t

, ,

und ers tand t h i s N ow I f eel t h at I would not p ut my

.

s elf to t h e t roubl e of wal k in two ac es f o r all th e com

g p
f o rt i n th e wo rld .

S TR E P HON B ut you dont know wh at th i s m ean s to

.

me It m ean s t h at you are dyin g to me : y e s j u s t dyin g

.
, .

L i s t en to m e .
[ H e
p u t s h i s ar m a r o u n d h er ] .

TH E M A I D EN [ ex tri c ati n g h ers el f ] D ont W e can tal k

.

q uit e as w ell with out to u ch in g o n e anot h er .

S T R E P HON [ h orri fied ] C hlo e ! O h th i s i s th e wo rs t

,

s ym tom of all ! T h e anci ent s n ev er touc h o n e anot h er

p .

T HE MA I DEN W hy sh ould th ey ?
.

S TREPHON O h I dont k now B ut d on t you want to

.
, .

touch m e ? You u s ed to .

T HE MAI DEN Y es : th at i s t ru e : I u s ed t o W e u s ed
. .

to t h in k it would b e nic e to s l eep in o n e anoth er s a rm s ; ’

but we n ev er could g o to s l eep b e cau s e o ur w ei g h t

s to p p ed o ur ci r culation s j u s t abov e t h e elbow s T h en .

s om eh ow my f eelin g b eg an to c h an g e bit by bit I k ep t .

a s o rt of int erest in you r h ead and a r m s lon g aft er I

l o s t int eres t in you r wh ol e body A nd now t h at h as
.

g on e .

S TRE P HON You no lon g er ca re f o r me at all th en ?

.
,

T HE MA I DEN N on s en s e ! I ca re f o r you much mo re

.

s eriou sly th an b e fo re ; t h ou g h p erh a p s not s o muc h f o r

you in p a r ticula r I m ean I ca re mo re f o r ev erybody

. .

B ut I dont want to touch you unn ec es s a rily ; and I c er

tai nl y dont want you to t ouch m e .

STREPHON [ ri s i n g d ec i si v el y ] T h at fini sh es it You .

d i sli k e me .
P art V As Far As T h oug h t C an R ea ch 2 43

T H E MA I DEN [ i mp ati en tl y ] I t ell you a g ain I do not ,

di sli k e you ; but you bo re m e wh en you cannot under

s tand ; and I t h in k I s h all b e h a i e r by my s elf in
pp
futu re You h ad b ett er g et a n ew com p anion Wh at
. .

about t h e g i rl who i s to be bo rn today ?

STREPHON I do not want th e g i rl wh o i s to be bo rn
.

tod ay H o w do I k now wh at sh e will b e li k e ? I want

.

you .

THE MAI D EN You cannot h av e me You mu s t r eco g

. .

n i z e fact s and fac e t h em It i s no us e runnin g aft er a

.

woman twic e you r ag e I cannot m a k e my c h ildh ood

.

la s t t o pl ea s e you T h e ag e of lov e i s s w eet ; but it i s

.

sh o r t ; and I mu s t natu d ebt You no lon

’
a
p y r e s .
g er

att ract m e ; and I no lon g er ca re to attr act you Gro wth .

i s t oo r a p id at my ag e : I am matu rin g f r om w eek to

week .

S TR E P HO N You are matu rin g as you call i t— I call

.
,
—
it a g ein g from minut e to minut e You are g oin g muc h
.

fu rt h er t h an you did w h en we b eg an th i s conv e rs ation .

THE MA I DEN It i s n o t t he a g ein g t h at i s so r a p id

. .

It i s th e realization of it wh en it h as actually h a p p en ed .

No w th at I h av e mad e up my mind to th e fact t h at I

h av e l e ft ch ild h ood b eh ind m e it com es h om e to me in
,

l eap s and bound s wit h ev ery wo rd you s ay .

ST R E P H ON B ut you r vow H av e you fo rg ott en t h at ?

. .

W e all s wo re to g e t h er in th at t emp l e ; th e t empl e of lov e .

You w ere mo r e e a rn est th an any of us .

TH E M A I DEN [ wi th a g ri m s mi l e ] N ev er to l et o ur
h ea rt s g row cold ! N ev er to b e com e a s t h e anci ent s !
N ever to l et t h e s ac red lam p be extin g ui sh ed ! N ev er to
ch an g e o r fo rg et ! T o b e r em emb ered f o r ev er as th e
fi rs t comp any of t ru e lov ers faith ful to t h i s vow s o oft en
mad e and b rok en by p as t g en eration s ! H a ! h a ! Oh ,

d ea r !
ST R EPHO N W ell you n eed not lau gh It i s a beau
.
, .
24 4 As Far As T h ough t C an Re a ch Pa t r V

tiful and h oly comp act ; and I will k eep it w h il s t I liv e .

A re you g oin g to b r ea k it ?
THE MAI DEN D ea r ch ild : it h as b rok en it self T he
. .

c h an g e has com e in sp it e of my c h ildi sh vow [ S h e .

ri ses ] . D o y ou mind if I g o into th e wood s f or a wal k

by my s elf ? T h i s ch at of ou rs s eem s to m e an unb ea r
abl e wa s t e o f tim e I h av e s o muc h to th ink of
.

ST R E P HO N [ ag ai n c ol l ap s i ng on the al tar and c o v er

i ng h i s eyes wi th h i s hand s ] M y h e a r t i s b rok en [ H e .

weep s ] .

THE MA I DEN [ wi th a s h rug ] I h av e luck ily g o t

throu g h my c h ildh ood wit h out th at exp eri enc e It sh ow s .

h o w wi se I was t o c h oo s e a lov er h alf my ag e [ S he .

go es t o ward s t h e g rav e, an d i s d i s a
pp eari n
g amo n g t h e

trees , wh en ano th er y o u t h , o l d er and m an l i er th an

S trep h on wi th c ri sp h ai r an d firm arms , c o mes f ro m th e
,

temp l e an d c al l s to h er f ro m t he thres ho ld ]
, .

THE TEMPLE Y OUTH I s ay , C hlo e I s th ere any s i g n

. .

of th e A nci ent y et ? T h e h our of bir t h i s Ov erdu e T h e .

baby i s kick in g li k e mad S h e will b reak h er s h ell p re

.

matu rely .

THE MA I D EN [ l oo k s ac ro s s t o the h i l l p at h ; t h en
p o i nt s

u i t an d s ay s ] S h e i s comin g A ci s
p , , .

T h e M ai d en tu rn s away th ro ug h th e g rov e and i s l o s t

to s i g h t am on g th e t rees .

A CI S [ c o mi n g to S trep hon ] W h at s th e matt er ? H as

C hlo e b een unk ind ?
STREPHON S h e h as gr ow n up in sp it e of all h er
.

p r omi s es S h e d e c eiv ed u s about h er a e

.
g S h e i s fou r . .

A CI S Fou r ! I am s o rry S t reph on I am g ettin g

.
, .

on f o r th ree my s elf ; and I k now wh at old ag e i s I .

“ ”
h at e to s ay I told you s o ; but sh e was g ett in g a littl e
h a rd s et and fi at ch est ed and t h in on th e t o p wa snt sh e ?
-

STREPHO N [ break i n g d o wn ] D ont .

A CI S You mu s t p ull you rs elf to g eth er T hi s i s g o

. .
24 6 As Far As T houg h t C an Rea c h P a rt V

you ; but I dont want to b e cu red I h ad rat h er b e m i s .

er ab l e in my own way t h an callou s in you r s .

THE SHE ANC I ENT You li k e b ein g m i s erabl e ? You

-

will s oon g row out of t h at [ S he retu rns to th e al tar] . .

T h e p ro c es s i on , h ead ed b y A c i s , emerg es f ro m th e
temp l e . S i x y ou th s c arry o n th ei r s h o u l d ers a b urd en
c o v ered wi th a g org eou s b u t l i g h t p al l B ef o re th em .

c ertai n offic i al m ai den s c arry a n ew tu n i c , ewers o f water,

s i l v e r d i s h es i erc ed wi th h o l es , c l o t h s , an d i mm en s e
p
s p o n g es .T h e res t c arry wan d s wi th ri bbon s , an d s t rew
fl o wers T he burd en i s d ep o s i ted on the al tar, an d the
.

a l l remo v ed I t i s a h u g e eg g
p . .

THE SHE ANC I ENT [ f reei ng h er arms f ro m h er ro b e

-

and p l ac i n g h er s aws o n th e al tar re ad y to h er h an d i n a

b us i n es s l i k e man n er] A g i rl , I th in k you s aid ?
A cI s . Y es .

THE T U N I c R EARER It i s a s h am e W hy cant we . .

h av e
more boy s ?
SEVERAL Y o u T H s [ pr ot es ti ng ] N ot at all M o re g i rl s . .

W e want n ew g i rl s .

A GI R L s VO I CE FROM THE EGG L et me out L et me

’
. .

out I wan t to b e bo rn I want to b e bo rn [ T he eg g

. .
,

ro c k s ] .

A CI s [ w a n d f
s n atc h i n g
ro m on e a o f th e o th er s an d

wh ac ki n g th e eg g wi th i t ] B e qui et , I t ell you . W ait .

You will b e bo rn p resently .

THE EGG N o no : at onc e at onc e I want to b e bo rn

.
, , .

I want to b e bo rn [ V i o l en t k i c k i ng wi th i n the eg g
.
,

whi c h r o c k s s o h ard th at i t h as to b e h el d o n th e al tar by

th e bearer s ] .

T HE SHE ANC I ENT -

S il enc e [ T h e .mu s i c s to
p s ; an.d
th e eg g b eh av es i t s el f ] .

T h e S h e A n c i en t tak es h er t wo s aws an d wi th a
-

c ou p l e o f s tro k es ri p s t h e eg g o p en T h e N ewl y B o rn .
,

a re t ty g i rl wh o wo u l d h av e b een g u es s ed as s ev en teen
p
Pa rt V As Far As T h ough t C an Reach 24 7

in o ur d ay, s i ts up i n the bro k en s hel l, exqui s i tel y f res h

an d r o sy, bu t wi th fi l amen ts o f s p are al b u men c l i n i n
g g
to h er h ere an d th ere I mmed i a tel y the mai d en s s e t to
.

work s o me to s h o wer water o n h er f rom th e ewers

,

th ro ug h th e p i erc ed di s h es o th ers t o ru b h er d ry ,

wi th c l o ths M ean wh i l e th e y ou th s b eat the s hell to

.

l i t tl e pi ec es wi th th ei r wan d s , all l aug h i n g at th e N ewl y

B o rn wh o l aug h s i mi tati v el y T h e T u n i c B earer c l o th es
.

h er ; an d th en th ey l i f t h er to h er f eet an d d anc e f or
wards , s h e d an c i n g wi th th em as b es t s h e c an A c i s an d .

th e S he A n c i en t c o me f o r ward wi th t h em h e s ti l l on th e
-

b aby s ri g h t s h e o n h er l ef t ]
’
, .

THE SHE AN CI ENT Wh at nam e h av e you c h o s en f o r

-
.

h er ?
A CI s.A ma rylli s .

T HE SHE ANC I EN T [ to th e N ewl y B o rn ] You r n am e i s

-

A ma rylli s .

THE NEWL Y B ORN Wh at do es it m ean ? .

A YO UTH L ov e . .

A MA I DEN M oth er . .

ANOTHER Y O UTH L ili es . .

T HE NEWLY BO R N [ to A c i s ] W h at i s you r n am e ?
A CI s A ci s
. .

T HE NEWL Y BO R N I lov e you A ci s I mus t h av e

.
, .

you all to my s elf T a k e me in you r a rm s

. .

A CI s S t e ady youn g on e
. I am t hree y ears old
, . .

THE NEWL Y B O R N Wh at h as t h at to do with it ? I

.

lov e you ; and I mu s t h av e you o r I will g o bac k into

my sh ell a g ain .

AcI s You cant I t s b rok en L ook h ere [ p o in ti ng

. .
’
.

to S trep hon , wh o h as remai n e d i n hi s seat wi tho u t l o o k

ing r o un d at th e bi r th , wr apped up i n h i s s o rro w] !
L ook at th i s p o o r fellow !
THE NEWLY BO RN Wh at . i s th em at t er with h i m ?
A CI s . When h e was bo rn he ch os e a g i rl two y e a rs
24 8 As Far As T h oug h t C an R eac h Pa rt V

Ol d f o r hi s weet hea r t H e i s two y ea rs O l d now hi m

s .

s elf ; and al r eady hi s h ea r t i s b ro k en b ecau s e s h e i s fou r .

T h at m ean s th at s h e h as g r own up li k e t h i s A nci ent

h ere and h as l eft hi m
, If you c h oo s e me we sh all h av e
.
,

o nly a y ea r s h a in s s b e fo re I b re ak you r h eart by

’
pp e

g r owin g p u B . e tt er c h o o s e t h e youn g es t you c an find .

T HE NEWLY B ORN . I will not ch oo s e anyon e but you .

Y ou mu s t not g row up W e will lov e o n e anoth er f o r

.

e v er .
[ T h e
y a l l l au g ]h W h at ar e
. you lau g h in g at ?
THE SHE ANC IENT L i s t en ch ild
-

.
,

T HE NEWL Y B OR N D O not com e n ea r me you d read

. ,

ful old c reaJture You fri g h t en m e

. .

A CI S Ju s t g iv e h er anoth er mom ent S h e i s not

. .

q uit e r ea s on abl e
y et . W h at can you ex ect fr om a ch ild
p
l es s th an fi v e minut es O l d ?
THE NEWL Y BORN I th ink I feel a littl e mo re re a s on
.

abl e now O f cou rs e I was rath er youn g wh en I s aid

.

t h at ; but th e in s ide of my h ead i s ch an g in g v ery r a p idly .

I s h ould lik e to h av e th in g s explain ed to me .

—
A CI S [ o the S he A n c i en t ] I s s h e all ri g ht do you
t ,

th ink ?
T he S he A n ci en t l o o k s at the N ewl y B o rn c ri ti c al l y
-

el s h er bu m s l i k e a p hren o l o g i s t ; g ri p s her mus c l e s

f e p
an d s h ak es h er l i mbs ; exami n es h er tee th ; l oo k s i n t o he r
ey es f o r a mo men t ; an d fin all y reli n qui s h es her wi th an

ai r o f h av in g fin i s he d h er j o b .

THE SHE AN CI ENT S h e will do S he may live

-
. . .

T h ey al l wav e the i r wan d s an d s ho u t f o r j o y .

THE NEWLY BORN [ i n d i g nan t] I may live ! S up p os e

th ere ha d b een anyth in g w ron g with me ?
THE SHE —ANC I ENT Child ren with anyth in g w r on g do
.

not live h ere, my chi ld L ife i s not ch eap with us B ut

. .

you would not have felt anyt h in g .

THE NEWLY BORN You m ean th at y ou would h av e

.

mu rd ered m e !
2 50 As Far A s T houg h t C an R ea c h P art V

T H E N EWLY BO R N I dont th in k : I k n o w I s h all

. .

enj oy life f o r ev er and e v er .

THE SHE ANC I ENT I f you sh ould tu rn out to b e a

-
.

erso n O f in fi nit e ca acity you will no d oubt find lif

p p , e

infinit ely int eres tin g H ow ever all you h av e to do now

.
,

i s to p lay wit h you r com panion s T h ey h av e many .

re tty toy s as you s ee : a lay h ou ictu ima

p , p s e
p res
g es , , ,

flowers b ri g h t fabric s mu sic : abov e all th em s elv es ; f o r

, , ,

th e mo s t amu s in g ch ild s toy i s anot h er ch ild

’
A t th e .

en d of fou r y e a rs you r mind will c h an e : u will b

, g y o e

com e wi s e ; and th en y ou will b e ent ru s t ed with pow er .

THE NEWLY B ORN B ut I want p ower no w . .

THE SHE ANC IENT N O doubt you do ; s o th at you

-
.

c ould p lay with th e wo rld by t e a rin g it to p i ece s .

T HE NEWLY BO RN O nly to see h o w it i s ma d e I

. .

sh o uld p u t it all to g e th er a g ain much b ett er t h an b e fo re .

THE SHE ANC I ENT T here was a tim e When ch ild ren
-
.

w ere g iv e n th e wo rld to p lay with b ecau s e th ey p romi sed

to i m p r ov e it Th ey d i d not imp rov e it ; and t h ey
.

would h av e w reck ed it h ad t h ei r p ow er been as gr eat as

t h at wh ic h you will wi eld wh en you are no lon g er a ch ild .

U n til you r youn g com p anion s Will in s t ruc t you in w h at

eve r i s n ec es s a ry You are not fo rbidd en t o sp eak to
.

th e anci ent s ; but you h ad b ett er not do s o as mos t of ,

th em h av e lon g ag o exh au s t ed all th e int eres t t h ere i s

in ob servi n g ch ild ren and conv ers in g with th em [ S he .

t u rn s to g o ] .

THE NEWLY B ORN W ait T ell me s om e thin g s t h at

. .

I ou g h t to do and ou gh t not to do I feel th e n eed of '

.

education .

T h ey all l aug h at h er exc e t t he S he A nc i en t

p
-

, .

THE SHE ANC IENT You will h av e g rown o ut of t h at

-
.

by tomo rrow D o wh at you pl ea s e [ She g oes away up

. .

t he hi ll p ath ] .
P art V As F ar A s T ho ug h t C an R each 25 1

T he fli c i al s t ak e th ei r
O
p arap h er n al i a an d t h e f g
ra

men ts o f the eg g b ac k i n to th e temp l e .

A CI s Ju s t fancy : th at old g irl h as b een g oin g f o r

.

s ev en h und r e d y e a rs and h a s nt h ad h er fata l accid ent

e t ; and s h e i s not a bit ti r ed of it all

y .

T H E NEWL Y B O R N H o w could anyon e ev er g et ti red

.

of life ?
A CI s. T h ey do T h at i s , of t he s am e life
. T h ey .

mana g e to c h an g e th em s elv es in a wonde rful way Y o u .

m ee t t h em s om etim es with a lot of ext ra h eads and a rm s

and l eg s : th ey ma k e you s p lit lau g h in g at th em M o s t .

of th em h a v e fo rg ott en h o w to s p ea k : t h e on es t h at
att end to u s h av e to b ru sh up t h ei r k nowl ed g e of th e
lan g ua g e onc e a y ea r o r so N ot h in g mak es any dif.

fere n ce to t h em t h at I can s ee T h ey n ever enj oy th em .

s elv es. I dont k now h o w th ey can s tand it T h ey dont .

ev e n com e to o u r fes tival s of t h e a r t s T h at old o n e .

wh o s aw you out of you r s h ell h as g on e o ff to m o odl e

about doin g not h in g ; th ou g h s h e k now s th at t h i s i s
Fes tival D ay .

T HE NEWLY B ORN Wh at i s Fes tival D ay ?

.

AC I S T wo O f o ur g reat es t s culp to rs are b rin g in g u s

.

th ei r lat es t ma s t erp i e c es ; and W e are g oin g to c r own

t h em wi th fl o wers and s in g dithy ramb s to t h em and danc e
r ound t h em .

THE NEWL Y BORN H O W j olly ! W h at i s a s cul p to r ?

.

A CI s . L i s t en h ere youn g o n e You mu s t find out

, .

th in g s f o r you rs elf and not ask qu es tion s F o r th e fi rs t

, .

day o r two you mu s t k eep you r ey es and e a rs o pe n and

you r mouth s h ut C h ild ren sh ould be s een and not h e a rd
. .

THE NEWL Y B ORN W h o are you callin g a dh i l d ? I

.

am fully qua rt er of an h ou r old [ S he s i ts d o wn on th e .

c u rv ed b en c h S trep h o n wi th h er matures t ai r]
n ear .

VO I CES I N THE TEMPLE [ all expr es s i n g p ro tes t di s ap ,

p o i n tmen t di sg u s t ] O h !
, O h ! S candalou s S h am e ful . .
25 2 As Far As T houg h t C an Reac h P art V

D i sg r ac eful Wh at filth ! I s t hi s a j ok e ? W h y th ey re
.
,

anci en t s ! S s s s s ss ! A re you mad A rj ill ax ? T h i s i s

- - -

an outra g e A n in s ult Y ah ! etc e t c et c [ T h e m al

. . . . .

c on ten ts ap p ear on t he s te
p s,
g r u mb l i n g ] .

AC I S . H ul lo : wh at s t he matt er ? [ H e g o es t o th e
s te
p s o
f th e temp l e] .

T h e t wo s c ul
f p to rs i s s ue O ne h as a ro m the temp l e .

b eard two f ee t l o ng : th e o the r i s b e ardl es s B et ween .

th em c o mes a h an d s o me n y mp h wi th mark ed f eatu res,

d ar k h ai r ri c hl y wav ed an d au th o ri t ati v e b eari n g
, .

THE A U T H O R A T A T I V E N Y MPH [s o p i n g d o wn to the

c en tre o f th e g l ad e wi th th e s c u l p t o rs bet ween A c i s an d ,

t h e N ewl y B o rn ] D o not try to b r owb e at m e, A rj i l l ax ,

m erely b ecau s e you are cl ev er wit h you r h and s C an you .

p lay th e flut e ?

A R J I L L A x [ th e b earded s c u l tor o n h er ri h t ] N o ,
p g
B era s ia : I cann o t What h as t h at to do with i t ? [ He
.

i s h al f d eri s i v e h al f i mp ati en t who l l y res o l v ed n o t to

, ,

t ak e h er se ri o us l y i n s p i te o f h er b eau ty an d i mp o si n g
to n e] .

E C R A SI A Well h av e you ev er h es itat ed to c riticiz e

.
,

o u r b es t flut e lay ers and to d e cla r e w h et h er t h e i r mu s ic

p ,

i s g ood o r bad ? P r ay h av e I n o t th e s am e ri g h t to
c riticiz e you r bu s t s t h ou g h I cannot mak e ima g es any
,

mo re than you can p lay ?

A R J I LLA X A ny fo ol can play th e flut e o r p lay any
.
,

thi n g el s e if h e p r acti s es enou g h ; but s cul p tu re i s a

,

c reativ e art n ot a m ere bu s in es s O f wh i s tlin g into a p i p e

, .

T h e s cul p to r mu s t h av e s om e th in g of th e g o d in h i m .

F r om h i s h and com es a fo rm wh ic h refl ect s a s p i r it He .

doe s not ma k e it to pl ea se you n o r ev en to p l eas e h i m ,

s elf but b e cau s e h e mu s t

, You mu s t tak e what h e g iv es
.

you o r l eav e i t if you are not wo rth y of it

, .

E C R A S I A [ s c or n f u ll y ] N o t wo rth y of it ! Ho ! M ay I
not l e ave it b ecau s e it i s n o t wo rthy of me ?
25 4 As Far As T h o ugh t C an R eac h P art V

B er a s ia ? W h y h av e you fall en out with A rj i l l ax ?

E O R A SI A . H e h as in s ult e d m e ! out ra g ed u s ! p rofan ed
his ar t You k now h o w much we h op ed f rom th e tw elve
!
bu st s h e p lac ed in th e t emp l e to b e unv eiled today Wel l .
,

o in and loo k at t h em T h at i all I h av to a

g s . e s
y .

[ S h e s w e e
p s t o th e c u rv ed s eat , an d s i ts d o wn whe re A c i s
i s l ean i n g o v er i t ] .

A c I s. I am no g reat j ud g e of s cul p tu re A rt i s not .

m y lin e W h at i s w ron g with th e bu s ts ?

.

E C R A SI A W ron g with t h em ! In st e ad of b eing id eally

.

b eautiful nymp h s and youth s t h ey are h o rribly r e ali s tic ,

st udi es o f —but I really cannot b rin g my li p s to utt er it

~
.

T h e N ewl y B ul l o f c u ri o s i t o t he temp l e,
o rn,
f ty, ru n s

an d p eep s i n .

A 0 18 . O h , stow it , B er a s ia You r lip s are not s o .

s qu eami s h as all t h at S tudi es O f wh at ?

.

THE NEWLY BORN [ f rom th e t emp le s tep s ] A nci ent s .

A c I s [ s u r ri s ed b u t n o t s c an d ali z ed ] A nci ent s !

p
E O R A SI A . Y e s , anci ent s T h e o n e s ubj e ct t h at i s by
.

t h e univ ers al con s ent of all o ur connoi s seu r s ab s olut ely

e xclud ed f r om th e fi n e a r t s [ T o A rj i l l ax ]
. H o w can
o u d efend s uc h a r oc eedin ?
y p g
A R J I LL A X If you com e t o th at , wh at interes t can
.

you find in th e s tatu es of smi rk in g nymp h s and p o s tu r

i n g youth s you s tick u p all ov er t h e p lac e ?
E O R A SI A .You did n o t ask t h at Wh en you r h and was
s till s k ilful enou g h to mod el th em .

A R J I LL A X S k ilful ! You h i gh n o s ed idio t , I could

.
-

tu rn s u ch t h in g s out by th e s co re wit h m y ey es banda g ed

an d o n e h and ti e d b eh ind m e B ut wh at u s e would th ey
.

b e ? T h ey would bo re me ; and th ey would bo re you if

you h ad any s en s e G
O in and loo k at my bu s t s
. L oo k .

at t h em a g ain and y et a g ain un til y ou rec eive the full

im p res s ion of th e int en s ity of mind that i s st a mp ed on
t h em ; and t hen g o back to th e p retty p retty co n f ec -
Pa t
r V As F ar A s T h o ug h t C an R ea c h 25 5

ti on ery you call s culp tu re and s ee Wh et her you can ,

endu re i t s va id em tin es s H
p p [ e mo u n t s th e al tar i.m
p e tu o us l ]
y L i sten to m e all of you ; and d o you
, ,

E c ras i a be sil ent if you are cap abl e of s il enc e

, .

E C R A SI A S il enc e i s t h e mo s t p er fect e xp ress ion of

.

s co rn. S co rn ! T h at i s w h at I feel f o r you r revoltin g

bu s t s
.

A R J I LL AX
'

F oo l : th e bu s t s are only th e b egi nnin g of

.

a mi g h ty d es i g n L i s t en
GO ah ead old sp o rt W e are li s t enin g
. .

A CI s .
, . .

M artel l u s h i ms el f o n th e s war d b es i d e th e
s t re tc he s

al tar . T h e N ewl y B o rn s i ts on the temp l e s tep s wi th her

c h i n on h er h an d s ready t o d ev o ur th e fi rs t o ra ti on s he
,

h as ev er h eard T h e res t s i t or s tan d at e as e

. .

A R JI LLA X In th e reco rd s wh ic h g en er ation s of chi l

.

d ren h av e res cu ed from th e s tup id n eg l ec t of th e

anci ent s t here h as com e down t o u s a fabl e Wh ic h lik e
, ,

many fabl es i s not a t h in g t h at was d on e in t h e p a s t but

, ,

a t hin g th at i s to b e don e in th e futu re It i s a l ege nd .

O f a s u p ern atu ral bein g call ed th e A r c h an g el M ich a el .

TH E NEWLY B O R N I s t h i s a s to ry ? I want to h e a r a
.

s to ry.
[ S h e r un s d o wn th e s te
p s an d s i ts o n th e al tar a t
A rj i ll ax f ]
’
s ee t .

A R J I L L A X. Arch an g el M i ch a el was a mi gh ty
T he
s cul p to r and p aint er H e fo und in t h e c ent re of th e
.

wo rld a t emp l e erect ed to th e g odd es s of t h e c ent re ,

call ed M ed it erran e a T h i s t em pl e was full of s i lly p i c

.

tu res of p r etty c h ild ren s uc h as E c r asi a a p p r ov es , .

A CI S F ai r play A rj i l l ax ! If sh e i s to k eep s i l ent

.
, ,

l et h er alon e .

E C R A SI A I sh all not int erru p t A ci s W hy sh ould I

.
, .

not p refer yo ut h and b eauty to ag e and u g lin ess ?

AR JI LLAX Ju s t s o W ell t h e Arch an g el M ich a el
. .
,

was of my o p inion not you r s H e beg an by p aintin g

, .

on th e c eilin g th e n ewly bo rn in all th ei r ch ildi sh b eauty .

25 6 As Far As T hough t C an R ea c h Pa t
r V

B ut w hen h e had don e th i s he was not s ati sfi ed ; f o r th e

t empl e w as no mo re im p res s iv e t h an it h ad been b efo re ,

e xc e t t h at th ere was a s t ren t h and r omis e O f r eat er

p g p g
th in g s about h i s n ewly bo rn on es th an any ot h er a rti s t
h ad attain ed to S O h e p aint ed all round t h es e n ewly
.

bo rn a c omp any of anci ent s Wh o w ere in t h o s e day s ,

call e d p roph et s an d s yh i l s wh o s e maJes ty was th at of t h e

,

mind alon e at i t s int en s est A nd t h i s p aintin g was ack.

n o wl ed e d th rou h a es and a es to b e th e s ummit and

g g g g
ma s t erp i ec e of art O f c o u rs e we cannot b eli ev e s uch a
.
'

tal e lit er ally It i s only a l eg end W e do not b eli ev e in

. .

a r ch an g el s ; and t h e notion t h at t hi rty th ou sand y ea rs

ag o s cul p tu r e and p aintin g exi s ted and h ad ev en ,

r eac h e d t h e g lo r iou s er fe ction t h e h a v e re ac h ed wit h

p y c

u s i s ab s u r d
, B ut w h at m en cannot r e aliz e t h ey can
.

at l ea s t a s p i re to T h ey pl ea s e th em s elv es by p retend
.

i n g t h at it was realiz ed in a g old en ag e of t h e p a s t .

T h i s sp l endid l eg en d end u red b ecau s e it liv ed as a d esi re

in th e h ea rt s of th e g reat es t a r ti s t s T h e t em pl e of .

M ed it err an ea n ev er was built in th e p a st n o r did M ich ael ,

t h e A rch an g el exi s t B ut today th e t em pl e i s h ere [ he

.

p o i n ts to t h e
p o rc h ] and t h e m an i s h ere [ he s l a s h i m
p
s el f o n th e c h es t ] I A rj il l ax am th e man I will p lac e
.
, , .

in you r t h eat re s uch ima g es of th e n ewly bo rn as mu s t

s ati s fy ev en E c r asi a s a pp eti te f o r b eauty ; and I will
’

s u rround t h em with anci ent s mo re au g u s t t h an any wh o

wal k t hrou gh o u r wood s .

M AR T E LLU S [ b ef o as
re ] H a !
A R J I L L A X [ s tun g ] W h y do you lau gh , you wh o h av e
'

com e em p ty h and ed , and , it s eem s, em p ty h ead ed ?

- -

E O R A S I A [ri s i n g i n di g n an tl y ] O h , sh am e ! You d are

di s p a r a g e M artel l us , tw enty tim es you r m as t er .

AC I S B e qui et , will you [ he s ei z es her s h o ulders an d

t h ru s ts h er b ac k i n t o h e r s eat] .

M A R T E L LU S L et h i m d i s p a ra g e h i s fill , B era sia

. .
25 8 As Far As T h ough t C an R eac h P a rt V
“
e ven an ima g e of th e t ruth ? In th e en d th e int ell e ctual
con s ci enc e th at to r e you away from t h e fl eetin g in art
t o t h e et e rnal mu s t t ea r you away from art alto g eth er ,

b ecau s e art i s fal s e an d life alon e i s t ru e .

T HE N E W LY B O R N [ fli ng s h er arms rou n d h i s n eck an d

k i s s es h i m en th u s i as ti c al l y ] .

M A R T E LL U S [ ri s es ; c arri es
h er t o t h e c u rv ed b en c h on

h i s l ef t ; d ep o s i ts h er b es i d e S trep h o n as i f s h e were h i s
o v erc oa t ; an d c on ti n u es wi th o u t th e l eas t c h an g e o f
ton e] S h a p e it as you will , ma rbl e r emain s ma rbl e , and
t h e gr av en ima g e an idol A s I h av e b ro k en my idol s ,
.

and c a s t away my c h i sel and modellin g t ool s , s o will you

too b reak t h es e bu s t s of yours .

A R J I L L A X. N ev er .

M A R T E LL U S . Wait ,
my f ri end I do not com e emp ty .

h and ed today as you ima g in ed , O n th e cont ra ry I .

,

brin g with m e s uch a w o rk of art as you h av e n ev er s een ,

and an a rti s t wh o h as s u rp a s s ed both you and me

fu r th er th an we h av e s urp a s s ed all o ur com p etito rs .

E C R A SI A Im p o ss i bl e T h e g reat es t t h in g s in art can

. .

n ev er be s u rp a ssed .

A R J I L LA X W h o i s th i s p a ra g on wh om you d ecla re
.

g re at e r t h an I ?
M A R T E LL U S I decla re hi m g reat er th a n my s elf
. ,

A rj i ll ax .

A R J I LL A X [f ] I und
ro wn i n g ers tand S oon er t h an not
.

d rown m e you are willin g to cla sp me round th e wai s t

,

and j ump ov erb o a rd with me .

AC IS . O h s to p s quabblin g
,
T h at i s th e wo rs t of you
.

a rti s t s You are alway s in littl e squabblin g cliqu es ; and

.

th e wo r s t cliqu e s are t h o s e w hi d h con s i s t of o n e man .

Wh o i s t h i s n e w f ellow you a r e t h row i n g in o n e an

oth er s t ee th ?
’

A B J I LLA X A
. s k M a r t el l u s : do n o t a s k m e I k now .
 P art V As Far As T h ough t C an Re ac h

nothin g of hi m .
[ H e l eav es M ar tel l u s ,
an d s i ts d o wn
b es i d e E c ras i a, o n
h er l ef t ] .

M A R T E LLU S You k now h i m quit e w ell Py g malion

. . .

E C R A SI A [ i n d i g n an tl y] P y g malion ! T h at s oull e s s

c reatu re ! A s ci entis t ! A labo r ato ry p e rs on !

A R J I LLA X P y g malion p roduc e a wo rk of art ! Y ou
.

h av e lo s t an a rti s tic s en s es T h e man i s utt e rly i n .

ca p b l e of mod ellin g a th umb nail , l et alon e a human

a

fi g u re .

M A R T E L LU S . T h at do es no t matt e r : I h av e don e th e
modellin g f or hi m .

A R J I L L AX . W h at on ea rth d o you m ean ?

M A R T E LLU S [ c al l i n g ] P y gm alion : com e fo r t h .

P yg mal i on , a n g ered y ou th wi th h i s
fi s u are
q
-

f ac e

l ai d o u t i n h o r i z on t al b l o c k s , and a p erp etu al s mil e o f

b enev o l en t i n teres t i n ev ery th i n an d exp ec ta t
'

ea
g e r g ,

equ ali n teres t f ro m ev ery b o d y el s e c o mes f ro m th e

o
f ,

temp l e to th e c en tre o f t he g ro up , wh o reg ard hi m f o r

th e mos t p art wi th d i s may as d readi ng that h e wil l b o re
,

th em B eras i a i s O p enl y c on temp tu o us

. .

M AR T E LLU S Fri end s : it i s unfo rtunat e t h at P y g

.

m alio m i s con s titutionally inca pabl e of e xh ibitin g any

t hin g wit h out fi rs t g ivin g a l ectu re ab o ut it to explain
it ; but I p romi s e you t h at if you will b e p ati ent h e will
“

s h ew you th e two mo s t wond e rful wo rk s of art in th e

wo rld and t hat th ey will contain s om e of my own v ery

,

b es t wo rk man sh ip L et me add t h at th ey will in sp ire a

.

loath in g t h at wil l cu re you of t h e lu n acy of art f o r ev er .

[ He s i ts d o wn n ex t the N ewl y B orn , wh o p o u ts and

turn s a v ery c o l d ri g h t s ho ul der to h i m, a d emon s trati on
u t terl y l o s t to h i m] .

P yg m al i o n , wi th th e s mi l e o
f a s i m l e to n ,
p and th e
eag er c on fidenc e o f a f an ati c al s c i en ti s t, c l i mb s awk
ward l y on to th e al tar . T h ey p rep are f or the wo rs t .
2 60 A s Far A s T h ou g h t C an R eac h P art V

P Y GMAL I ON M y f ri end s : I will omit th e al geb r a

.

A CI S. T h an k G od !
t i —
P Y GMAL I ON [ c on n u i n g ] b ec au se M artel l us h as
m ad e m e p r omi s e to do s o T o com e to th e p oi nt , I h av e
.
,

s ucc eed e d in ma k in a rtificial h uman be in s R eal liv e

g g .

o n es , I mean .

I N C REDULOU S V O IC ES O h , com e ! T el l us an o th er
G
. .

R eally , P yg ! et out You h av n t Wh at a li e !

. .

P Y GMAL I ON I t ell you I h av e I will sh ew th em to

. .

y ou . It h as b een do n e b e fo re O n e of th e v ery old es t

.

docum ent s we p o s s es s me ntion s a t ra di tio n o f a b i ol o

g i s t wh o ext r a c t ed c er tain un s ec i fi ed min er al s f ro m th e
p
e a r t h and , as it quaintly ex p resses it ,
“ b reath ed into
”
t h ei r no st ril s th e b reat h of life T h i s i s t h e only tra
.

dition f rom th e p rimitiv e a g es wh ich we can reg a rd as

r e ally s ci entific T h ere are lat er docum ent s wh ich
s ecify t h e min e ral s wit h reat e ci s ion , ev en to t h ei r
p g p r

atomic w ei g h t s ; but th ey are u tte rly un s ci ent i fic , be

cau s e t h ey ov erloo k th e el em ent o f life w h ich mak es all
t h e di fferenc e b etw een a m ere mixt u re of s alt s and g a s es
an d a livin g o rg ani s m T h ese mixtu res w ere mad e ov er
.

and ov er a g ain in th e c rud e labo r ato ri es of th e S illy

C l ev er A g es ; but n o th ing ca me of th em until th e i n
r ed i en t w h ic h th e old ch ronicl er call e d t h e b reath of life
g
was add ed by th i s v ery rema rk abl e ea rly ex p erim ent er .

In m y vi ew h e was th e founder o f biolo g ical s ci enc e .

A R J I LL A X . I s th at all we know ab o ut h i m ? It
d o e sn t amount to v er y much , do es it ?
P Y GMAL I ON . om e f ra g m ent s of p ictu res
T h ere are s
and docum ent s r ep res ent h i m as wal k in
wh i dh g in a
a rd en and advi s in g p eo p l e to cult ivat e th ei r g a rd en s
g .

Hi s nam e h as com e down to u s i n s everal fo rm s O n e .

of th em i s Jov e A n ot h er i s V oltai re
. .

E C R A SI A You are bo rin g us t o di s t raction with you r

.

V oltai re Wh at about you r h uman b ein g s ?

.
26 2 As Far As T h oug h t C an R eac h P art V

E C R A SI A [ y] I do not
s en ten ti ou s l admit t h at T h e .

a rti s t divin es by in sp ir ation all th e tru th s t h at th e s o

call ed s ci en ti s t g rub s up in h i s labo rato ry slowly and
s tup idly lon aft er wa r ds
g .

A R J I L L A X [ to B e ras i a u arrel s o mel ] Wh at d o you

q y ,

kn o w about it ? You are not an ar ti s t .

AC I S S h ut you r h ead s b oth of you L et us h av e

.
, .

t h e a r tificial m en T r o t th em out P y g m alion

.
, .

P Y GMAL I O N It i s a man and a woman B ut I really

. .

mu s t ex plain fi rs t .

ALL [ g ro an i ng ]
P Y GMAL I ON Y es : I .

A C IS
. W e want res ult s no t exp lanation s , .

P Y GMAL I ON [ h u r t ] I se e I am bo rin g you N ot o n e o f .

you ta k es th e l e a s t int eres t in s ci enc e Go o d b ye [ H e .

-
.

d es c en ds f ro m th e al tar an d m ak es f or t h e temp l e] .

S E V ER A L Y O UTHS AND MA IDENS [ ri s i n g

'
an d rus h i n g to
hi m] N o no D ont g o D ont b e o ff ended W e want
, . . .

t o s ee th e a rtificial p ai r W e will li s t en W e are t re

. .

m en d o u s l y int eres t ed T ell u s all abo ut it

. .

P YGMAL I ON [ rel en ti n g ] I sh all not d etain you two

m inut e s .

ALL H alf an h ou r if you li k e P l ea se g o on P y g

. .
,

m al i o n .
[ T hey ru s h h i m b ac k t o t h e a l t ar an d h o i s t ,

h i m u p o n to i t ] U p you go . .

T hey r e turn to th ei r f o rmer p l ac es .

PY GMAL I ON A s I t o ld you , lot s of att emp t s w ere

.

m ad e t o p roduc e p roto pla sm in th e labo rato ry W hy .

were t h ese s yn th etic p la s m s , as th ey call ed t hem , no use ?

E CR A SI A W e ar e wa i tin g f o r you to t ell u s
. .

T HE N E W LY B ORN [ mo d el l in g hers el f on B eras i a and ,

t ryi n g to o u td o h er i n tell ec tu al l y ] C l ea rl y becau s e t h ey

w ere d ead .

P Y GMAL I ON N ot bad f o r a baby my pe t B ut d ead

. , .

and alive are v ery loo se t erm s You are not h alf as .
P art V As Far As T h ough t C an R ea ch 26 3

muc h aliv e as you will be in another month or s o Wh at .

was w ron g wit h th e s ynt h etic p ro top l a s m was t h at it

coul d not fix and conduct th e L ife Fo rc e I t was li k e a .

wood en ma g n et o r a li g h tnin g conducto r mad e of s il k :

it would not ta k e th e cu rrent .

AC I S N obody but a foo l wo ul d mak e a wood en m ag

.

n et and ex ect it to att ract anyt h in

, p g .

PY GMAL I ON . H e mi g ht if h e w ere s o i g no rant as n ot

to be abl e to d i s tin g ui sh b etw een wood and s oft i ron In .

t h o se day s th ey w ere v e ry i g no rant of th e di ff erenc es

b e tw een t h in g s b ecau s e th ei r m e t h od s of analy s i s wer e
,

c rud e . T h ey mix ed up m es s es t h at w ere s o li k e p r oto

p la s m t h at t h ey could not t ell t h e di ffere nc e B ut . th e

d i ff erenc e was t h ere th ou gh t h ei r analy s i s w as too

,

s u e rficial and incom l e t e to d et e ct it You mu t

p p . s r e

m emb er th at th ese po o r d evil s w e re v ery littl e b ett er t h an

o u r idiot s : we sh o uld n eve r d ream of l ettin g o n e of t h em

s u rviv e t h e d ay of i t s bi rt h W hy th e N ewly B o rn
.
,

th ere al re ady k n o w s by in s tinct many th in g s th at t h ei r

eat es t h y s ici s t s could h a r dly a r riv e at by fo r ty
g r
p
y ea rs of s t renuou s s tudy Her s imp l e di rect s en se of
.

s ac e tim e and uantity uncon s ciou sly s olv es bl em s

p q p ro
-

w hich co s t th ei r mo s t famou s mat hematician s y ea rs o f

p r olon g e d and labo rious calculation s re ui rin
q g s uc h i n “

t en s e m ental a pplication t h at th ey f requ ently forg o t to

b reath e wh en en g a g ed in th em and almo s t su ffocat ed
,

th em s elv es in con s equ enc e .

E C R A SI A. L eav e th es e obs cu re p reh i s to ri c abo rtion s ;

and com e b ack to you r s ynth e tic man and woman .

PYG MAL I O N W h en I und ertook t h e ta s k of makin g

.

s yn th etic m en , I did not wa s t e my tim e on p roto pla s m .

It was e vident to m e th at if it w ere p o s s ibl e to mak e

p r o to p la s m in th e labo r ato r y it mu
, s t be e ually
q p os

s ibl e t o b eg in h i g h er up and mak e ful ly evolv ed mu sc ula r

and n ervo u s ti s s u es bon e and s o fo r th

, , W h y ma k e th e
.
2 64 As Far As T h ough t C an Re ach P art V

s ee d wh en t he mak in g of th e flow er would b e no g re at er

mi r acl e ? I tri ed t h ou s and s of co mbination s b efo re I
s ucc eed ed in roducin anyt h in t h at would fix h i h
p g g g
ot ential L if e F o r c e
p .

A R J I L LA X H i g h wh at ?
.

P YG —
MAL I ON H i g h p o ten ti al T h e L ife Fo rc e i s n o t
.
-

s o s im l e as you t h in k
p A h i h
g p ot e
. ntial cu rre-
nt of it
will t u rn a bit of d ead ti ss u e into a p h ilo s o ph er s b r ain ’
.

A l o w p ot ential cu rrent will reduc e th e s am e bit of t i s

-

s ue to a ma s s of co rru tion
p W ill you b.eli ev e m e w h en I

t ell you th at ev en in man h im s elf th e L ife Fo rc e u sed

, ,

to s lip s udd enly down from i ts h uman l ev el t o th at of a

“

fun g u s s o t hat m en found th ei r fl esh n o lon g er g rowin g

,

a s fl es h but rolifer atin h o r ribly in a low er fo r m wh ich

p , g
was c all ed canc e r until th e low er fo rm of lif e k ill ed th e
,

h i g h er and bot h p eri sh ed to g eth er mi s er ably ?

,

M AR T E LLU S K eep o ff th e p rimitiv e t ribe s P yg

.
,

m al i o n T hey i nteres t you ; b ut th ey bo re t h ese youn g

.

t h in g s .

P Y GMAL IO N I am o nly t ryin g t o m ak e you under

.

s tand . T h ere was t h e L ife Fo r c e ra g in g all r ound m e

th ere was I t ryin g to mak e o rg an s t h at would cap tu re
,

it as a batt ery ca p tu res el ect ricity and ti s s u es th at ,

would conduct it and o p erat e it It was ea s y enou g h to .

mak e ey es mo re p er fect th an o ur own and e a rs with a ,

la rg er r an g e of s ound ; but th ey c o uld n eith er s ee n o r

h ea r b ecau s e t h ey w ere not s u s c ep tibl e to th e L ife
, “

F o rce . B ut it was f ar wo rs e wh en I di s cov ered h ow to

ma k e th em s u s c ep tibl e ; f o r th e fi rs t t hin g th at h ap
p en ed was t h at t h ey c ea s e d to b e e y es and ea rs and

tu rn ed into h e a ps of ma g g ot s .

E C R A SI A D i sg u s tin g ! Pl ea s e s top
. .

AC I S If yo u dont wan t to h ea r g o away You g o

. , .

a h e ad P y g
, .

P Y GMAL I ON I w ent ah ead. You s ee th e lower

. ,
26 6 As F ar As T h o ug h t C an R ea c h Pa
rt V

tim es , you k now ; th ou gh th ey p t nd th ey dont

re e .

M A R T E LLU S . Hm .

A R J I L L A X. H ah !
P Y GMAL I ON . H e was
all ri gh t to l o ok at at fi rs t o r , ,

n ea rly s o B ut h e beh av ed in t h e m o s t app allin g man

.

n e r ; and t h e s ub s e u ent d ev elo m ent s w ere s o di s u s tin

q p g g
t h at I r eally cannot d es c ribe t h em to you H e s eiz ed all .

s o rt s of t h in s and s wallow ed t h em
g H e d ran k ev ery .

fluid in t h e labo r ato ry I t ri ed to explain to h i m th at h e

.

mu st tak e not h in g th at h e could not di g est and a s s imi

I

lat e compl et ely ; b ut of cours e h e could not und ers tand

me . H e a s similat e d a lit tl e of wh at h e s wallow ed ; but
th e p roc es s l eft h o r ribl e res idu es wh ich h e h ad no m ean s
of g et tin g ri d of H i s blood tu rn ed to p oi s on ; and h e
.

eri s h ed in to r m ent s h o wlin I t h n er c e iv e d th at I

p g , e
p .

h ad p rod uc ed a p reh i s to ric m an ; f o r th ere are c ertain

t r ac es in o ur o wn bodi es of a rran g em ent s wh ich enabl ed
t h e ea rli er fo r m s of m ank ind to r en ew th ei r bodi es by
s wallowin g fl e sh and g r ain s and v eg et abl es and all s o r t s

of unnatu r al and h id eou s food s and g e ttin g ri d of wh at ,

t hey could not di g est .

E CR A SI A . B ut wh at a p ity h e di ed ! Wh at a g limp s e
of t h e p a s t we h av e lo s t ! He could hav e told u s sto ri es
of t h e G old en A g e .

P Y GMAL I ON N ot h e He was a mo s t dan g erou s

. .

b ea st H e was afraid of me and actually t ri ed to kill

.
,

m e by s nat c h in g up th in g s and s t ri ki n g at m e with

t hem I h ad to g iv e h i m two o r th ree p retty s ev ere
.

s h ock s b e fo re I convinc ed h i m t h at h e was a t my m er cy .

THE N E W LY BO RN W h y did you not mak e a woman

.

in s t ead of a m an ? S h e would h av e known ho w to be

h av e h erself .

M A R T E LLU S W h y did you not mak e a man and a

.

woman ? T h ei r ch ild ren would h av e been int eres tin g .

rY G M A LI O N I int end ed to m ak e a woman ; but aft er

.
P art V As Far As T h ough t C an R ea c h 267

my exp eri enc e with th e man it was out of th e qu es tion .

E C R A SI A. P ray W hy ?
P YG MAL I ON W ell it i s d i fli c ul t t o explain i f you
.
,

h av e not s tudi ed p reh i s to ri c m e th od s of r ep roduction .

You s ee the only s o rt of m en and wom en I could ma k e

w ere m en and wom e n j u s t li k e u s as f ar as t h ei r b odi es
w ere conc ern ed T h at was h o w I k i ll ed th e p o o r bea s t
.

o f a man . I hadnt p rovid ed f o r h i s h o rribl e p reh i s to ric

m eth od s of fee din g h im s elf S up p o s e th e woman had
.

rep roduc ed in s om e p reh i s to ric way in s t ead of b ein

g
ovip a rou s as we are ? S h e co uldnt h av e don e it with a
modern femal e body B es id es th e exp erim ent mi gh t
.
,

h av e b een p ainful .

E C R A SI A. T h en you h av e not h in g to sh ew u s at all ?

P Y GMAL I ON O h y es I h av e
. I am not s o e a s ily
.

b eat en as th at I s et to wo rk a g ain f o r mont h s to find

.

out h ow to mak e a di g es tiv e s y s tem t h at would d e al wit h

wa s t e p rod uct s and a rep rod uctiv e s y s t em cap abl e of
int ernal nou ri sh m ent and incubation .

E C R A SIA . W hy did you n ot find out h o w to ma k e th em

li k e u s ?
ST R EPHON [ c ryi ng ou t i n h i s g ri ef f o r th e fi rs t ti me]
W h y did you not mak e a woman wh om you could lo v e ?
T ha t was t h e s ec re t you n eed ed .

THE N E W LY B ORN O h y es Ho w t ru e ! H ow g reat

. .

of you da rlin g S t reph on ! [ S h e k i s s es h i m i mpu l s i v el y ]

, .

ST R E P HO N [ p as s i o na tel y ] L et me alon e .

M A R T E LL U S C ont rol you r refl ex es c hild

.
, .

T HE N E W LY B ORN M y wh at !
.

M AR T E LLU S You r refl ex es T h e t hi n g s you do Wit h

. .

out t h ink in g P y g mali o n i s g oin g to sh ew you a p ai r of

.

h uman c reatu res wh o are all r efl ex es and not hi n g el s e .

T a k e wa rn in g by th em .

THE N E W LY BORN B ut wont t hey b e alive lik e u s ?

.
,

PY G MALI ON T hat i s a v ery di fficult qu es tion t o

.
268 As Far As T hou gh t C an R eac h Pa t r V

an s wer my d ea r I co nfess I t h ou g h t at fi rs t I h ad
, .

c reat ed livin g c reatu res ; but M art el l u s d ecla res t hey are
only automata B ut t h e n M art el l us i s a my stic : I am a
.

man of s ci ence He d raws a lin e b etween an automaton

.

and a livin g o rg ani sm I cannot d raw th at lin e to my

.

own s ati s faction .

M A R T E LL U S You r a rtificial m en h av e no s elf con

.
-

t rol T h ey only re s p ond to s timuli f r om with out

. .

P Y GMAL I O N . B ut t h ey are con s ciou s I hav e tau g h t .

th em to tal k and re ad ; and now t h ey t ell li es T h at i s .

s o v e r y lifeli k e .

N ot at all If t hey w ere aliv e t h ey

’

M AE T E LLU S . .

would t ell t h e t rut h You can p rovok e th e m to t ell an y

.

s illy l i e ; and you can fo resee e xactly th e s o r t o f l i e th ey

will t ell G iv e t h em a clip b elow t h e k n ee and th ey will

.
,

j erk th ei r foot fo rwa rd G iv e t h em a cli p in th ei r

.

a p pe tit es o r va niti es o r any of th ei r lu s t s and g reeds ,

and th ey will bo a s t and l i e and affi rm and d eny and h at e

, ,

and lov e w i th out th e s li g h t es t reg a rd to th e fact s th at

are s ta rin g t h e m in th e fac e o r to t h ei r own o bv 1 0 u s
,

limitation s T ha t p rov es th at t h ey are automata

. .

P Y GMAL I ON [ u n c on v i n c ed ] I k n o w d ea r old c h ap ; but

,

t h ere really i s s om e evid enc e th at we ar e d es c ended from

c reatu res quit e as limit ed an d a b s u r d as t h es e A ft er all
‘
.
,

th e baby t h ere i s th r ee qu a r t ers an automaton

-
L ook .

at th e way s h e h as b een g oin g on !

THE N E W LY B O R N [ i n di g n an tl y] Wh at do you m e an ?
H o w h av e I b ee n g oin g on ?
E C R A SI A . If th ey h av e n o r eg a rd f o r t rut h t hey can ,

ha v e no real vitality .

P Y GMAL I ON T ru th i s som etim es s o a rtificial : s o

.

relativ e as we s ay in t h e s ci entific wo rld

, th at it i s v ery ,

h a r d to f eel quite s u re th at Wh at i s fal s e and e v en

ridiculou s to u s may not b e t r u e to t h em .

E CR ASI A . I ask you a g ain W h y did you n ot mak e ,

270 A s F ar As T h ough t C an Reac h Pa t r V

T h e F i g u res ad v an c e c ond es c en d in g l y and p os e th em

s el v es c en tral l b t w t h u rv ed s eats
y e een e c .

P Y GMAL I ON N ow if you wi l l be so g ood as to obli g e

.
'

u s with a littl e s om e t h in g You danc e s o b eautifully

.
,

y ou k n o w .
[ H e s i ts d o wn n ex t M ar t el l u s an d wh i s e rs
p ,

to hi m ] I t i s e xt r ao rdina ry h o w s en s itiv e th ey are to

t h e s timulu s of flatt ery .

T h e F i g u r es wi th a g r aci o u s ai r d an c e p o mp o u s l y
, , ,

b u t v ery p as s abl y A t th e c l o s e the y b o w to o ne n u

.

o the r.

O N ALL H A NDS [ c l a i n ] B r avo ! T h an k you W on

pp g .

d er f ul ! S p l e ndi d P erfect
. .

T he F i g u res ac k no wl edg e th e app l aus e i n an O bv i o u s

c on d i ti on o f s wel l e d h ead .

THE N E W LY B O R N Ca n t h ey m a k e lov e ?
.

P Y GMAL I O N Y es : t h ey can res p ond to ev ery s timulu s

. .

T h ey h av e all t h e r efl ex es P ut you r arm r ound th e

.

man s n ec k , and h e will p ut h i s arm round you r body

’
.

He cannot h elp it .

THE F E MA LE F IG URE [ f ro wni ng ] R ound min e you ,

m ean .

P Y GMALI ON You rs too of cou rs e if th e s timulu s

.
, , ,

com es fr om you .

E C R A SI A C annot h e do anyt h in g o ri g inal ?

.

P Y GMAL IO N N o B ut th en you k n o w I d o n o t a dmit

. .
, ,

t h at any of us can do anyth in g really o ri g inal th ou g h ,

M ar tell u s t h ink s we can .

A CI S C an h e an s we r a que s tion ?
.

P Y GMAL I O N O h y es A qu estion i s a s timulu s you

. .
,

k now A s k h i m o n e
. .

A CI S [ to th e M al e Fi g u re] W h at do you t h ink of wh at

you s ee a round y o u ? O f u s f o r in s t anc e and o ur way s
, ,

and doing s ?
THE M A LE F IG URE I h ave not s een the n ewsp a pe r to
.
P art V As F ar As T h o ug h t C an R ea c h 27 1

T HE F E M A LE F IG URE you exp e ct my h us

. H ow can

band to k now wh at to th ink of you if you g ive h i m h i s

breakfa s t wi th out hi s pap er ?
M A R T E LL U S You s ee H e i s a m ere automaton
. . .

THE N E W LY B O R N I dont t h in k I s h ould li k e h i m to

.

p ut hi s arm r ound my n e c k I dont li k e t h em [ T h e . .

M al e Fi g ure l o o k s fi en d ed , an d th e F em al e j eal ou s ]
‘

o .

O h, I t hou g h t t h ey coul dnt und ers tand H av e th ey .

feelin g s ?
P Y GMALI ON O f cou rs e t h ey h ave I t ell you t h ey
. .

h av e all th e r efl ex es .

THE N E W LY B O R N B ut feelin g s are not refl ex es

. .

P Y GMAL I O N T h ey are s en s ation s Wh en th e ray s of

. .

li g h t ent er t h ei r ey es and ma k e a p ictu re on t h ei r

reti n a s t h ei r b r ain s b ecom e con s ciou s of th e ictu re and
, p
t h ey act acco rdin g ly W hen th e wav es o f s ound s ta rted
.

by you r s p e a k in g e nt er th ei r e a r s and re co rd a di s p a r
a g in g rema rk on t h ei r k eyb oa r d s t h ei r b r ain s be com e ,

con s ciou s of th e di s p a ra g em ent and res ent it acco rd

i n gl y .If you did not di sp a ra g e th e m t h ey would not
res ent it T h e y ar e m erely r esp ondin g to a s timulu s
. .

THE MA LE F IG URE W e are p a r t o f a co smic s y s t em

. .

Free will i s an illu s ion W e are t h e ch ild r en of C au s e

.

and E ff e ct W e are th e Unalt er abl e t h e I rres i s tibl e th e

.
, ,

I rres p on sibl e t h e In evitabl e

, .

M y nam e i s O zymandia s k in g of k ing s ,

L ook on my wo rk s ye mi gh ty and d esp ai r , , .

T here i s a g en eral s ti r o
f c uri o s i ty at thi s .

A CI s Wh at th e dick en s do es h e m ean ?
.

THE MA LE F IG URE S il enc e ba s e accid ent of N atu re

.
, .

T h i [ tak i ng th e h an d o f t h e F emal e F ig u re and i n

s

tro d u c i ng h er ] i s Cl eo p at r a S emi r ami s con s o r t of th e

-

k in g of k in g s and t h erefo r e qu een of qu een s

, Y e are .

thin gs h atch ed fro m eg g s by th e b rainl es s s un and the

27 2 As Far As T h oug h t C an R each P art V

blind fi re ; but th e k in g o f k in g s and qu een of qu een s

ar e not accid ent s of t h e egg : th ey are t h ou g h t out and -

h and made to r ec eiv e t h e s a c red L ife Fo rc e

-

T h ere i s .

o n e pe rs on of th e k in g and o ne of th e qu een ; but t h e

L ife F o rc e of th e k in g and qu een i s all o n e : th e g lo ry

equal th e maj esty c o e t e r nal
, S uc h as th e k in g i s so i s
-

t h e qu een th e k in g t h ou g h t out and h and m ad e th e

,
- -

qu een t h ou g ht out and h and mad e T h e action s O f th e

— -

k in g ar e cau s ed and t h ere fo r e d et ermin ed f r om th e b e

, ,

g innin g o f t h e wo rld to th e en d ; and th e action s of th e

qu een are li k ewi s e T he k in g lo g ical and p red e t ermi ned

.

and i n evitabl e and th e qu een lo g ical and p red et ermin ed

,

and in evitabl e A nd yet t h ey are not two lo g ical and

.

red et ermin e d and in evitabl e but o n e lo g ical and p red e

p ,

term i n ed and in evitabl e T h erefo re confound not th e

.

ers on s n o r divid e t h e s ub s tanc e ; but wo rs h i u s twain

p , p
as o n e t hr on e two in o n e and o ne in two l es t by erro r y e
, ,

fall into i rret ri evabl e damnation .

THE F E MA LE F IG URE A nd if any s ay unto you .

W h ich o n e ? rem ember t h at t h ou g h t h e re i s o n e p ers on

”

of th e k in g and o n e of th e qu een y et t h es e two p ers on s ,

ar e not ali k e but are woman and man

, and th at as ,

woman was c reat ed aft er man th e sk ill and p ractic e ,

g ain e d in ma k in
g h i m w er e add ed to h er w h er e fo r e s h e ,

i s to b e exalt ed abov e h i m in all p ers onal r es p ect s and ,

THE M A LE F IG URE P eac e woman ; f o r th i s i s a

.
,

d amn ah l e h eres y B o th M an and W oman ar e wh at t h ey

.

are and mu s t do wh at th ey mu s t acco rdin g to th e e t ernal

laws of C au s e and E ffect Loo k to you r wo rd s ; f o r if .

th ey ent er my ear and j ar too rep u g nantly on my s en

s o ri um wh o k now s t h at th e in evitabl e r esp on s e to t h at
,

s timulu s may n ot b e a m es s a e to my mu s cl es to s natch

g
U p s om e h e avy O b j ec t and b re a k you in p i e c es .

T h e F emal e F i g u re p i c k s u p a s ton e an d is abo u t t o

thr o w i t at h er c on s o r t .
27 4 As Far As T h ough t C an R ea ch P art V

r i g h t f o r ma k in g t h at p ai r of h o rro rs !
THE M A LE F IG URE [ g l ari ng ] H a !
THE F E MA LE F IG U R E K eep a civil ton g u e in you r
.

h ead you, .

THE N E WLY B O R N O h do not b e s o un k ind A rj i ll ax

.
, , .

You will ma k e wat er com e out of my ey es a g ain .

M A R T E L L U S [ c o n t emp l ati n g t h e Fi g ures ] Ju s t look at

th es e two d evil s I mod ell e d t h em out of th e s tu ff
.

P y g malion mad e f o r t h em T h ey are ma s t erp i e c e s of .

ar t . A nd s ee wh at t h ey h av e don e ! D oes th at convinc e

you of th e value of art A rj il l ax ? ,

S T RE P H O N T h ey loo k dan g erou s K eep away from

. .

t h em .

E C R A SI A N O n eed to t ell u s t h at S t rep h on

. Pf ! , .

T h ey p oi s on th e ai r .

THE MA LE F IG URE B ewa re woman T he wr at h of

.
, .

O zymandia s s t ri k es li k e th e li g h tnin g .

THE F E MA LE F IG URE You j u s t s ay t ha t a g ain if you

.

dare you fll th y c re atu re

, .

A CI s Wh at are you g oin g to do with th em M artel l u s ?

.
,

You are re sp on s ibl e f o r t h em now th at P y g malion h as ,

g on e .

M A R T E LL U S If t h ey w ere ma rbl e it would be s impl e

.

enou h : I could s ma s h t h em A it i s h o w am I to k ill

g s .
,

th em wit h out ma k in g a h orribl e m es s ?

THE M A LE F IG URE [ p o s i n g her oi c all y ] Ha ! [H e
d ec l ai ms ] .

C om e o n e : com e all : th i s r ock shall fly '

From i ts fi rm ba s e as s oon as I .

THE F E MA LE F IG URE [ f on dl y ] M y m an ! M y hero

h u s band ! I am p roud of you I love you . .

M AR T E LLU S W e mu s t s end out a m es s a g e f o r an

.

anci ent .

AC I S N ed we bot her an anci ent about s uch a t rifle ?

. e
P art V As Far As T hough t C an R e ac h 27 5

It will t ak e l es s t h an half a s e cond to reduc e o ur p oo r

P y g malion to a p inch of du s t W h y not calcin e th e .

two alon g with h i m ?

M A R T E LLU S N o : th e two automata are t ri fles ; but
.

th e u s e of o ur p ow ers of d es t ruction i s n ev er a t rifl e I .

h ad rat h e r h av e th e ca s e j udg ed .

T he H e A nc i en t emerg es f r o m th e g r o v e
-
T h e Fi g .

u res are an i c s tri c k en

p
-
.

THE HE -
A N CIE N T [ m i ld l y ] Am I want ed ? I f eel as if
I was .
[ S ee i n
g th e b o d y P
f yg
o m a l i o n , an d i m me di

atel y tak i n g a s terne r ton e ] W h at ! A c h ild lo s t ! A

life wa s t ed ! H o w h as t hi s h a ppe n ed ?
THE F E MA LE F IG URE [ f ran ti c all y ] I di dnt do it It .

was no t m e M ay I be s t ruc k d ead if I touch e d h i m

. .

It was h e [ po i n ti ng to th e M al e Fi g u re] .

A LL [ amaz ed a t th e l ie ] O h !
THE M A LE F IG URE L ia r You bit hi m E v eryon e . . .

h ere s aw you do it
THE H E A N C I E N T S il enc e [ G
.

oi n b t ween t h e Fi
g e g
-

. .

u res ] W h o mad e t h es e two loath s om e doll s ?

THE M A LE F IG URE [ try i n g t o as ser t h i ms el f wi th hi s
k nees k n o c k i n g ] M y nam e i s O zymandia s k in g o f ,

THE H E A N O I E N T [ wi th a c o n temp tuo us g es ture]

-

P oo h !
T H E MALE F IG URE [ fal l i ng o n hi s k n ees ] O h dont s i r , .

D ont S h e did it si r : ind eed sh e did

.
, .

T HE F E MA LE F I G URE [ h o wl i ng l amen tably ] B ooh oo !

OO ! oo h!
THE HE -
A N C I E N T S il enc e , I s ay . .

He k no c k s th e M ale A u to m aton up ri g h t by a v ery

l i g h t fli p und e r th e c h i n T h e F em al e A u to ma ton h ardl y
.

d ares to s o b T h e im mo r tal s c o n temp l ate th em wi th

.

s h am e an d l o at hi n g
—
T he S he A n c i en t c o mes f ro m th e
.

trees O p p o s i te the t empl e .

TH E S HE A N C I E N T S o m ebody want s me Wh at i s the

-
. .
27 6 n R ea
A s Far As T h ough t C a ch P art V

matt er ? [ S h e co me s to the l ef t h and o f th e Femal e

Fi g u re, n o t s eei ng th e bo dy o f P yg mali o n ] Pf ! .

[ S ev e r el y ] You h av e bee n makin g doll s Y ou mu s t .

not : t h ey are not only di sgu s tin g : t h ey are dan g erou s .

THE F E MA LE F IG URE [ s ni v el l in g p i teous l y ] I m not a

’

d oll , mam I m only p o C l eop at ra S emi rami s qu een

.
’
or -

of qu een s [ C o v eri ng h er f ac e wi th h er h an d s ] O h
.
,

don t look at m e li k e th at ma m I m eant no harm H e

’
, . .

h u rt m e : ind eed h e did .

THE H E A N CI E N T T he c reature h as k i l l ed th at p oo r
-

youth .

THE S HE A N CI E N T [ s eei ng th e b o dy o f P yg mal i o n ]

-

Wh at ! T h i s c l ev er ch il d wh o p romi sed s o w ell ! ,

THE F E MA LE F IG URE He mad e m e I h ad as much. .

r i h t to k ill h i m as h e h ad to ma k e m e
g A nd h o w w as .

I to k now th at a littl e th in g li k e th at would kill h i m ?

I s h ouldnt di e if h e cut o ff my arm o r l eg .

E C R A SI A Wh at n on sen se !
.

M A R T E LLU S It may not b e non s en s e I da res ay if

. .

you cut o ff h er l eg s h e would g r ow anoth er li k e th e ,

lob s t ers and th e littl e liza rd s .

THE H E A N C I E N T D id th i s d e ad b o y mak e t h es e two

-

th in g s ?
M AR T E LL U s H e mad e t h em in h i s labo rato ry
. I .

mo ul ded th ei r l imb s I am s o r ry I was th ou g h tl es s :

. .

I did not fo res ee th at t hey would k ill and p ret end t o

be p ers on s t h ey w ere no t and d e cla r e t hin g s th at w ere
,

f al s e and wi sh evil I th ou gh t t h ey would be m erely

,
.

m e ch anical foo'l s .

THE M A LE F IG URE D o you bla m e u s f o r o u r h uman

.

natu re ?
T H P F E M A LE F IG URE W e are fl es h and bl o od and
.

not an g el s .

THE MALE F IG URE H av e you no h e a r ts ? .

27 8 As Far As T h ough t C an R eac h P art V

THE S HE A N CIE N T [ h andl i ng the Femal e A u tomaton

-

i n th e s ame m an ner] Wh ich of you s h all we k ill ?

THE F E MA LE F IG URE K ill u s bot h H o w could eith er
. .

o f us liv e wit h out th e oth er ?

E C R A SI A T h e woman i s mo re s en s ibl e th an th e man

. .

T he an c i en t s rel eas e the A u to m ata .

THE MA LE F IG URE [ si n k i n g to th e g r o und ] I am d i s

c o urag ed L ife i s too h e avy a bu r d en
. .

THE F E MA LE F IG URE [ c o l l ap s i ng ] I am dyin g I am .

g l ad . I am af r aid to liv e .

THE N E W LY B O R N I th ink it would be nic e to g ive

.

th e p oo r t h in g s a littl e mu s ic .

A B J I L L A X. W hy ?
THE N E W LY B O RN . I dont k now . B ut it would .

T h e M u s i c i ans p l ay .

THE F E MA LE F IG URE O zymandia s : do you h ea r t h at ?

.

[ S h e ri ses on h er k n ees an d l o o k s rap tl y i n to s p ac e ] .

Qu een of qu een s ! [ S he d i es ] .

THE MA LE F IG URE [ c rawli ng f eebl y to ward s h er un ti l

h e reac h es h er h an d ] I k n ew I was r e ally a kin g of k in g s .

[ T o t h e o th er s ] Illu s ion s fa r ew ell : we a r e

g oin
, g to o u r

th ron es [ H e di es ]
. .

T h e mu s i c T h er e i s d ead s i l en c e f o r a mo m en t
s to s.
p .

T HE N E W LY B O R N T h at was funny . .

S T RE P H O N It was E v en th e A nci ent s are smil in g

.
‘
. .

T HE N E W LY B O R N Ju s t a littl e . .

THE S HE A N CI E N T [ qui c k l y rec o v eri ng h er g rav e an d

-

eremp to ry m an n er] T a k e t h es e two a b omination s away

p
to P y g malion s labo rato ry , and d es t r oy th em with th e
’

r es t of th e labo rato ry re fu s e [ S o m e o f t he m
. m o v e t o

o b ey ] .T a k e ca re : do no t touch t h ei r fl s h : it i s noxiou s e

lift th em by t h ei r rob es C a rry P y g malion into th e .

t em p l e ; and di s p o s e of h i s remain s in th e u sual way .

T h e three b o di es are c ar ri e d o u t as d i rec ted P yg ,

mal io n i n to th e temp l e by h i s bare arms an d l eg s , and

P art V As Far A s T h oug h t C an R eac h 27 9

th e t wo Fi g ures th ro ug h th e g ro v e by th ei r c l o th es .

M ar tel l u s s u p eri n tend s th e re mo v al o f t h e F i g u res, A c i s

th at o f P yg mal i o n B eras i a, A rj il l aec, S trep ho n , and
.

th e N ewl y B d o wn as bef o re b u t o n c on trary

o rn si t ,

b enc h es ; s o th a t S trep h o n an d th e N ewl y B o rn n o w f ac e

th e g ro v e, an d B e ras i a an d A rj il l aa th e temp l e '
T he .

A n c i en ts remai n s tan di n g a t th e al t ar .

E C R A S I A [ as s h e s i ts d o wn ] O h f o r a b reez e f r o m t h e

h ill s !
S T RE P H O N O r t h e wind fr om t h e s ea at th e tu rn of
.

t h e tid e !
THE N E W LY B O R N I want so m e cl ean ai r
. .

THE H E A N CI E N T T h e ai r will b e cl ean in a mom ent

-

. .

T h i s doll fl esh t h at c h ild ren ma k e d ecom p o s es quick ly

at b es t ; but wh en it i s s h ak en by s uc h p a s s ion s as th e
c reatu res are cap abl e of, it b rea k s up at onc e and be
com es h o rr ibly taint ed .

THE S HE A N CI E N T L et it b e a l ess on to you al l to be

-

cont ent wit h lifel es s toy s , and not att emp t to mak e livin g
on es Wh at would you t h ink of u s anci ent s if we mad e
.

toy s of you c h ild ren ?

THE N E W LY B O R N [ c o axi ng l y ] W h y do you not ma k e
toy s of u s ? T hen you would p lay with u s ; and t h at
would b e v ery nic e .

THE S HE A N CI E N T I t would not amu se u s Wh en

-

. .

you p lay wit h o n e anot h er you p lay with you r bodi es ,

and t hat m ak e s you s u p p l e and s t ron g ; but if w e p lay e d

wit h you we sh ould p lay wit h you r mind s and p erh a p s ,

d efo rm t h em .

STREPHON You are a g h a s tly lot you anci ent s I

.
, .

s h all k ill my s elf w h e n I am fou r y ea rs old Wh at d o .

o u liv e f o r ?
y
T H E H E A N CI E N T
-

You wi l l find o u t wh en you g ro w

.

up . You will n o t k ill you rs elf .

2 80 As Far As T h oug h t C an R ea c h Pa t r V

S T RE P H O N . If you ma k e me beli ev e th at I
, sh all k ill
my s elf now .

THE N E W LY B O R N O h no I want you I lov e you .

, . .

S T RE P H O N I lov e s om eon e el s e And sh e h as g on e

. .

old old L o s t to me f o r ev er
, . .

THE H E A N O I E N T H o w old ?
-

STREPHON You s aw h er wh en you ba rg ed into us as

.

we w ere dancin g S h e i s fou r . .

THE N E W LY B O R N H o w I s h ould h av e h at ed h er .

t w enty minut es ag o ! B ut I h av e g rown out of th at

n o w.

THE H E A N CI E N T G o od T h at h at red i s call ed

-
. .

j ealou s y th e wo rs t of o ur ch ildi s h comp laint s

, .

M artel l u s d us ti n g h i s h an d s an d p uffi n g r etu rn s f ro m

, ,

th e g r o v e .

M A R T E LL U s O uf [ H e s i ts d o wn n ext the N ewl y

.

B orn ] T h at j ob s fini sh ed
’
.

A R J I L LA x A nci ent s : I sh ould li k e to mak e a f ew

.

s tudi es of you N o t p o rt r ait s of cou rs e : I sh all id eal

.
,

i z e you a littl e I h av e com e to th e conclu sion t h at yo u

.

an c i ent s are th e mo s t int eres tin g subj ect s aft er all .

M A R T E LLU S W h at ! H av e t h o se two h o rr o rs wh o se
"
.
,

a sh es I h av e j u s t d ep o s it ed wi th p ecul ia r p l e a s u re in
p oo r P y g malion s du s tbin not ’
cu re d you of t h i s s illy ,

ima g e ma k in g ?
-

A R J I LLA x W hy did you mod el th em as youn g t h in gs

.
,

you fool ? I f P y g malion h ad com e to m e I s h ould h av e ,

m ade anci ent s of th em f o r h i m N ot t h at I s h ould h av e .

mod ell ed t h em any b ett er I h av e alway s s aid t ha t no .

o n e can b e a t you at you r b es t as f ar as h andwo rk i s

conc ern ed .B ut t h i s j ob requi red b r ain s T h at i s

wh ere I sh ould h av e c o m e in .

M A R T E LL U s Well my b r ainy boy you are w elcom e

.
, ,

to t ry y o u r h and T h ere are two of P y g malion s p u p il

.
’
s

at t h e labo r ato ry wh o h el p ed h i m to manufa ctu re t h e

282 As Far As T h o ug h t C an Reach Pa t r V

THE N E W LY B O R N [ eag erl y i n teres ted ] 0 h ! H ave you

o t it s till ?
g
THE SHE ANC I ENT I k ep t it a full w eek
-
. .

E C R A SI A .E v en in you r c h ildh ood th en you did not , ,

und ers tand h i g h art and ado red you r own amat eu r ,

c ruditi es .

THE S HE A N CI E N T H o w old are you ?

-

E C R A SI A . E i g h t mo nt h s .

THE SHE ANC I ENT Wh en you h ave lived as lon g as

-

I h av e
E C R A SI A [ i n te r r up ti n
g r ud el y ] I s h all Wo r s h i p r ag
doll s p erh ap s T h an k h eaven I am s till in my p rim e
, .
, .

THE H E A N C IE N T You are s till ca p abl e of t h an k in g

-

.
,

t h ou g h you do not k now wh at you t h ank You are a .

t h an k in g littl e animal ablamin g little animal 3 , , .

A CI S A g u s h in g littl e animal
.
'

A R J I LLA X A nd as she th ink s an a r ti stic littl e ani

.
, ,

mal .

E C R A SI A [ n e t t l ed ] I am an animat e d b ein g with a ?

re a s onabl e s oul and h uman fl es h s ub s i s tin g I f you r .

A utom ata h ad been p ro p erly animat ed M artel l us th ey , ,

would h av e b een mo re s ucc es s ful .

THE SHE ANC IENT T h at i s where you are wron g my

-
.
,

c h ild If th o s e two loa th s om e t hin g s h ad been rag doll s

.
,

th ey would h av e b een amu s in g and lovabl e T h e N ewly .

B o rn h ere would h av e p lay ed with t h em ; and you would

all h av e lau g h ed and play ed wi t h th em t oo until you
h ad to rn t h em to p i e c es ; and th en you would h av e
l au g h ed mo re th an ev er .

THE N E W LY B ORN O f cou rs e we sh ould Is nt th at . .

funny ?
THE H E A N CI E N T Wh en a th in g i s funny s ea rch i t
-
.
,

f or a h idd en t r uth .

STREPHON Y es ; and ta k e all th e fun out of it

. .

THE S HE A N C I E N T D o not be s o embitt ered becau s e

-
.
Pa t V
r As Far As T h ou ght C an B e ac h 2 83

you r s w ee t hea rt h as out g rown h er love f o r you T h e .

N ewl y B o rn will m ak e am end s .

THE N E W LY B ORN O h yes : I will be m o re t h an sh e

.

could ev er h av e b een .

STREPHON P sh a ! J ealou s !
.

THE N E W LY B O B N O h no I h av e g rown out O f

. .

t h at I lov e h er now b ecau s e s h e lov ed you and be cau s e

.
,

you lov e h e r .

THE H E A N C I E N T T h at i s t h e n ext s ta g e You are

— . .

ettin on v ery nic ely my ch ild

g g , .

M A R T E LLU S C om e ! Wh at i s th e t ruth th at wa s
.

h idd en in t h e r ag doll ?
THE H E AN C I ENT Well co n s id er wh y you are no t
-

.
,

cont ent with th e rag doll and mu s t ha v e s om eth in g mo re

,

clo sely res emblin g a real livin g c reatu re A s you g r ow .

u p you ma k e ima g es and p aint p ictu r e s T h o s e of you .

W h o cannot do t h at ma k e s to r i es about ima g ina r y doll s

O r you d res s you r s elv es u p as doll s and act p lay s about
them .

THE SHE AN CI ENT A nd to d ec eiv e you rself th e mo r e

-

.
,

com p l et ely you tak e t h em s o v ery v ery s eriou sly t h at

,

E c r as i a h er e d e cla r es th at th e mak in g of doll s i s t h e

h oli es t wo rk of c reation and th e wo rd s you p u t into t h e
,

mou th s of doll s th e s ac redes t of s c rip tu res and th e

nobl es t of utt er anc es .

E C B A SI A
. T u sh !
A B JI L LA X T o sh !
.

THE S HE A N CI E N T Y et the mo re b e autiful t hey b e

-

com e th e fu rth er t h ey ret reat fr om yo u You cannot .

cares s t h em as you ca r es s th e r ag doll You cannot c ry .

f o r t h em w h en t h ey are b ro k en o r lo s t o r wh e n y o u p re ,

t end t h ey h ave b een un k ind to you as you could wh en ,

you p lay ed wit h r ag do ll s .

THE H E A N CI E N T A t la s t lik e P yg malion you d e

-

.
, ,
2 84 As Far As T h o ug h t C an Rea c h P art V

mand from you r doll s th e final p erfe cti o n of resemblanc e

to life Th ey mu s t move and sp e a k
. .

THE S HE A N CIE N T T h ey mu s t lov e and h at e

-

.
l .

THE H E A N C I E N T T h ey mu s t t h ink th at t h ey th in k
-

. .

THE S HE A N C IE N T T h ey mu s t h av e s oft fl esh and

-
.

wa rm blood .

THE H E A N CI E N T A nd t hen wh en you h av e ach i ev e d

-

.
,

th i s as P y g malion did ; wh en th e ma rbl e ma s t erp i ec e l S

d e t h r on ed by th e automaton and th e h omo by th e h o
mun c ul us ; wh en th e bod y and th e b r ain th e re a s onabl e ,

s oul and h uman fl es h s ub s i s tin a s E c ras i a s ay s s tand

g , ,

b efo re you unma s k ed as m ere mac h in ery and you r i m ,

p ul s e s ar e s h e wn to b e not h in
g but r efl ex e s you ar e ,

fill ed with h o rro r and loath in g and would g ive wo rld s ,

to b e youn g enou g h to play wit h you r rag doll a g ain ,

s inc e ev ery s t e away f rom i c a s been a s t e away f rom

p p
lov e and h a p p in es s I s it not t ru e ? .

THE SHE ANC I ENT S pea k M ar tell us : you wh o h av e

-

.
,

t r av ell ed the Wh ol e p a th .

M AR T E LLU S It i s t ru e W i th fi erc e Jo y I tu rn ed a
. .

t em p eratu re of a million d eg rees on th o s e two th in gs I

h ad mod ell ed and s aw t h em vani s h in an in s tant into
,

ino ff en s iv e dus t .

THE SHE ANC I ENT S p eak A rj i ll ax : you wh o h av e

-

.
,

advanc ed from imitatin g th e li g h tly livin g c h ild to th e

i nt e n s ely livin g anci ent I s it t ru e s o f ar ?
.
,

A R J I L LA X It i s p a rtly t ru e : I cannot p ret end to be

.

s ati s fi e d now wit h mod ellin g p r e tty ch il d ren .

T HE H E A N CI E N T
-
A nd you E c rasi a : you clin g t o
.
,

you r h i ghly a r ti s tic doll s as th e nobl es t p roj ection s of

th e L if e F o r c e do you not ? ,

E C B A SI A . With out art the c rud en e s s of reality ,

woul d mak e th e wo rld unb ea r abl e .

THE N E W LY BO RN [ an ti c i p ati n g the S h e A n c i en t wh o -

i s e v i d en tl y g oi ng to c h al l eng e h er] N ow you are com

286 As Far As T h o ug h t C an R e ac h P art V

o ne of s up rem e imp o r tanc e : th at it i s indeed th e onl y

is .

t h in g that mat ter s .

THE SHE ANC I ENT T h at i s t hey would unders t and

-
.
,

s om e t h in g t h ey could not b eli ev e and th at you do n o t ,

b eli ev e .

A CI S Ju st s o mam A rt i s not h on es t : th at i s why

.
, .

I n ev er could s tand muc h of it It i s all ma k e b eli ev e .

-

E c ras i a n ev er re ally s ay s t h in g s : sh e only rattl es h er

t eet h in h er mouth .

E C R A SI A A ci s : you are c rude

. .

A CI S You m ean t h at I wont p lay the g am e O f mak e

.

beli ev e W ell I dont ask you to p lay it wit h me ; s o

.
,

why s h oul d you e x p ect m e to p lay it wi th you ?

E C R A SI A You h av e n o ri g h t to s ay th at I am not
.

s inc ere .I h av e foun d a h a p p in es s in ar t th at real life

h as n ev e r g iv en m e I am int en s ely in ea r n e s t about
.

ar t . T h ere i s a ma g ic and mys t ery in art t h at you

k now noth in g O f .

THE SHE ANC IENT Y es ch ild : art i s th e m a g l o mi r

-

.
,

r o r you ma k e to refl e ct you r invi sibl e d r e am s in vi s ibl e

p ictu res You

. u se a
g la s s mi rro r to s e e you r fac e : you

u se wo rk s of ar t to s e e you r s oul B ut we wh o are Old er .

u s e n ei th er g la s s mi rr o r s n o r wo rk s of art W e h av e a .

di rect s en s e of lif e W hen you g ain th at you will p ut.

a s id e you r mi rro rs and s tatu es you r toys and you r ,

d oll s .

THE H E AN CI ENT Y e t we too h av e o u r toy s and o u r

-
.

d oll s .T h at i s th e t roubl e of th e anci ent s .

A R JI LLAX Wh at ! T h e anci ent s h av e t roubl es ! I t

.

i s t h e fi rs t tim e I ev er h e a r d o n e of t h em confes s it .

THE H E ANC I ENT L oo k at u s L o o k at me T h i s

-
. . .

i s my body my blood my b rain ; but it i s not m e

, ,I am .

th e e t ern al life th e p e rp etual resu rre ction ; but [ s tri k

,

i ng h i s b o d y ] t h i s s t ruc tu re t h i s o rg ani s m th i s ma k e , ,

s h ift can be mad e by a bo y in a labo rato ry and i s h el d

, ,
Pa t V
r As Far A s T h o ug h t C an Reac h 287

bac k f rom di s s olution only b y m y u s e of it W o rs e s till .

,

it can b e b r o k en by a s li p of th e foot d rown ed by a ,

c ramp in th e s tomach d es troye d by a fla sh from th e ,

clo ud s S oon er o r lat er i t s d es t ructi o n i s c ertain

.
, .

THE SHE AN C IENT Y es : t h i s body i s th e la s t doll to

-

b e di s ca rd ed Wh en I was a ch ild B e ra s ia I too was

.
, , , ,

an a rti st li k e you r s cul pto r fri ends t h er e s t rivin g to

, ,

c reat e perfe ction in th in g s out s ide my s elf I mad e .

s tatu e s : I aint ed ictu res : I t r i ed to wo r s h i t h em

p p p .

THE H E AN 0 1 ENT I ha d no s uch s k ill ; but I lik e

-

.
,

A ci s s ou g h t p erfe ction in f ri end s in lov ers in natu re

, , , ,

in t h in g s out s id e my s elf Ala s ! I coul d not c reate it : I .

could only ima g in e it .

THE SHE ANC I ENT I li k e A rj il l ax found out th at

‘

.
, ,

my s tatu es O f bod i ly b eauty w ere no lon g er ev en b e au

tiful to m e ; and I p res s ed on and mad e s tatut es and p i c
tu res of m en and wom en of g e niu s li k e t h o s e in th e old ,

fabl e of M ic ha el A n g elo L ik e M art el l us I s ma sh ed .

,

th em wh en I s aw t h at t h ere was no life in th em : t hat t h ey

w ere s o d ead th at th ey would not ev en di ss olve as a d ead
,

body do es .

THE H E ANC I ENT A nd I lik e A ci s c ea s ed to walk

-

.
, ,

ove r th e mountain s with my f ri end s and wal k ed alon e ; ,

f o r I found t h at I h ad c r e ativ e p ow e r ov er my s elf but

non e ov er my f ri end s A nd th en I c ea s ed to wal k on .

R
t h e mountain s ; f o r I s aw t h at th e mountain s w ere d ead _
. - ?

A CIS [ p r o tes ti n g v eh emen tl y ] N o I g rant you about .

th e fr i end s p erh a p s ; but th e moun tain s ar e s till th e

mountain s e ach with i t s nam e i ts individual ity i ts u p
, , ,

s tandin g s t ren g t h and maj e s ty i t s b eauty ,

E C B A SI A Wh at ! A ci s amon g th e rh aps odi s t s !

.

T HE H E ANC I ENT -

M ere m eta ph o r my p oo r boy : th e

. ,

mountain s are co rp ses .

ALL THE YO UNG [ repell ed ] O h !

THE H E A N O I E N T Y es In th e h a rdp ress ed h ea rt of
-

. .
 2 88 A s F ar A s T ho ug h t C an Reach P art V

th e e a rth , inconc eivabl e h e at o f th e s un s till

Wh ere t h e

g low s t h e s ton e liv e s in fi er c e atomic convul s ion

, a s we ,

liv e in o ur s low er way Wh en it i s ca s t out to th e s ur .

fac e i t di es li k e a d eep s ea fi sh : wh at you s ee i s only i ts -

cold d e ad b ody W e h av e tapp ed t h at c ent ral h eat as

.

eh i s to r ic man ta ed wat e r s rin s ; but not h in h a

p r
pp p g g
com e up aliv e fr om t h o s e flamin g d ep th s : you r land
s ca p e s you r mountain s are only th e wo rld s c a s t sk in s
, ,
’

an d d e cayin g t eet h on w h ic h we liv e li k e mic ro b es .

E C R A SI A A nci ent : you bla sph em e a g ain s t N atu re

.

and a g ain s t M an .

THE SHE ANC I ENT C hild ch ild h o w much en thus i

-

.
, ,

as m will you h av e f o r man w h en you h av e endu red ei g h t

c entu ri es of hi m as I h av e and s een h i m , sh by an ,

e m ty mi s ch anc e t h at i s et a c er tainty ? I di
p y s

ca rd ed my dolls as h e di s ca rd ed hi s fri end s i s moun

tain s it was to my s elf I tu rn e d as to t h e final r eal ity
'

, .

H ere and h ere alon e I could sh a p e and c reat e

, Wh en
, .

my arm was w ea k and I will ed it to b e s t ron g I c oul d ,

c reat e a roll of mu s cl e on it ; and wh en I und ers tood

t h at I und erst o od th at I co uld with out any g r eat er mi r
,

ag l e g iv e my self t en a rm s and th ree h e ad s .

M

THE H E AN 0 1 ENT I al s o cam e to und ers tand s uch

-
.

mi r acl es Fo r fifty y ea rs I s at
. latin g th i s
p ow er in my self and conc ent r atin
g
THE SHE ANC I ENT S o did -
mo re y ea rs
.

I mad e my s elf into all s o r t s of fanta s tic mon s t ers I .

wal k ed u p on a doz en l eg s : I worked with tw enty h ands

and a h undred fin g ers : I look ed to th e fou r qua r t ers
of th e com p a s s with ei g h t ey es out of fou r h e ad s .

Ch ild ren fled in amaz em ent f rom m e until I h ad to h id e

my s elf from t h em ; and th e anci ent s wh o h ad fo rg ott e n ,

h o w to l au g h s mil ed g rimly wh en t h ey p a s s ed
, .

THE H E ANC IENT W e h av e all committed thes e fol

-
.

li es You will all commit th em

. .
 D
29 0 As Far As T h oug h t C a r ea ch Pa rt V

THE H E AN CIE NT T h at ch ildren i s th e t roubl e of

-

. , ,

t h e anci ent s Fo r w h il s t we are ti ed to t h i s ty rannou s

.

body W e are s ubj ect to i t s d eat h and o ur d es tiny i s not ,

ach i ev ed .

THE NEWL Y BORN W h at i s you r d es tiny ?.

THE H E ANC I ENT T o b e immo rtal

-

. .

THE SHE ANC I ENT T h e day wil l c o m e wh e n there will

-

.
'

b e no p eo p l e only t h ou g h t
THE H E ANC I ENT A nd t hat will b e life etern alj
, .

E 0 R A 81A I tru s t I sh all m eet my fatal accid ent b e

.

fo re th at day dawn s ”
A R J I LLA X Fo r O n
. t e B e r a s ia I a g ree wit h you
, A , .

wo rld in wh ich th ere w ere nothin g p la s tic would b e an

utt erly mi s er abl e o n e .

E 0 R A 81A N o limbs no contou rs no exqui s it e lin es

.
, ,

and el eg ant s h ape s no wo rs h ip of beautiful bodi es n o

, ,

o etic em b rac es i h wh ich cultivat ed lov er s r e t end th at

'

p p
th ei r ca res s in g h and s are wand erin g ov er c el es tial h ill s
and ench ant ed vall ey s n o ,

AC I S [ i n terrup ti ng h er d i sg us tedl y ] Wh at an i n
h uman mind you h av e B e ra sia ! ,

E 0 R A 81 A Inh uman !
.

A 0 18
. Y es : inh um an W hy do nt you fall in l o v e
.

wit h s om eon e ?
E 0 R A 8 1A I! . I h av e b een i n lov e all my life I .

bu rn ed with it ev en in th e eg g .

AC I S N ot a h i t of it You and A rj l ll ax ar e j u s t as
. .

h a r d as two s ton es .

E 0 R A 81 A You did not alway s t h in k s o A ci s

.
, .

A 0 18
. O h I k now , I O ff ered you my love onc e and
.
,

a sk ed f o r your s .

E 0 R A 81A A nd did I d eny it to you A ci s ?

.
,

AC I S You didnt ev en k now Wh at lov e was

. .

E 0 R A 8 1A O h ! I ado r ed you you s tu p id oaf until I

.
, ,

found th at you w ere a m ere animal .

P art V As Far As T h ou g h t C an R eac h 29 1

A 0 18 . A nd I mad e no en d of a fool of my self about

y o u until I di s cov ered t h at
y o u w er e a m e re a rti s t You .

a pp reciat ed my contou r s ! I was p la s tic as A rj ill ax ,

s ay s. I wa s nt a m an to you : I was a ma s terp i ec e ap

e alin to you r ta s t es and you r s en s es You r ta s t es and
p g .

s e n s es h ad ov er laid t h e di r ect im ul s e of lif e in you

p .

A nd be cau s e I ca re d only f o r o n e life and w ent s t rai g h t ,

t o it and was bo r ed by you r callin g my limb s fancy

,

nam es and map p in g m e into mountain s and vall ey s and

all th e res t of it you call ed m e an an i mal W ell I am
, .
,

an animal if you call a live man an animal

, .

E 0 R A 81A You n eed not exp lain You refu s ed to b e

. .

refin ed . I did my b es t to lift you r p reh i s to ric imp ul s es

on to th e p lain of b eauty of ima g ination of r o manc e , , ,

Of
p o e t ry O f ar t o f
, ,

AC I S T h es e t h in g s are all v ery w ell in th ei r way and

.

in t he i r p ro p er p lac es B ut t h ey are not love T h ey

. .

are an unnatu r al adult er ation of lov e L ov e i s a s im p l e .

t h in g and a d eep t h in g : it i s an act of lif e and not an

illu sion A rt i s an illu s ion
. .

A R JI LLA x T h at i s fal s e
. T h e s tatu e com es to life
.

alway s T he statu es of today are th e m en and wome n

.

o f th e n ext incubation I h old u p th e ma rbl e fi g u r e b e

.

“
fo re th e m o th er and s ay T h i s i s th e mod el you mu s t
,

cop y ”
. W e p roduc e Wh at we s ee L et no man da r e to .

c reat e in ar t a th in g t ha t h e would not h av e exi s t in life .

M A R T E LL U S Y es : .I h av e b ee n t h rou gh all th at .

B ut you you rs elf are m ak in g s tatu es of anci ent s in st e ad

O f b e autiful nym p h s and s wain s A nd E c ras i a i s ri gh t
.

about th e anci ent s b ein g ina rti s tic T h ey are damna .

bly ina r tis tic .

E 0 R A 8 1 A [ tri u m h an t
p ] A h ! O u r g re a t es t a rti s t v i n

di c ates me T h an k s M ar t el l us
.
, .

M A R T E LLU s T h e body alway s end s by b ein g a bo re

. .

N oth in g r emain s b e autiful and int eres tin g exc ep t

29 2 As Far A S T h oug h t C an Reach Pa t r V

th ou gh t , b ecau s e th e th ou g h t i s t he lif e W h ic h i s j u s t .

wh at t h i s O l d g entl eman an d th i s O l d lady s eem to t h ink

too .

T H E SHE AN CI ENT Quit e 80 -

. .

THE H E ANC IENT P reci sely

-

. .

THE NEWLY BORN [ t o the H e A n c i en t] B ut you cant -

be n ot hi n g Wh at do you want to b e ?
.

T HE H E ANC I ENT -
A vo rt ex . .

TH E NEWLY BO RN A wh at ? .

T H E SHE ANC I ENT A vo rt ex I beg an as a vo rt ex

-
. .

why sh ould I not en d as o n e ?

E O R A 81 A O h ! T h at i s wh at you old p eo p l e are V or
. .

ti ci s t s .

A CI S . B ut if life is t h ou gh t can you live with out a

,

h e ad ?
T HE AN CIENT N ot now p erh ap s B ut p reh i s to ric
HE -
. .

m en th ou g h t th ey could not liv e wit h out tail s I can

‘

liv e with out a tail W hy sh ould I not liv e with out a.

h ead ?
T HE NEWL Y B ORN Wh at i s a tail ? .

T HE H E —A N G IE NT A h ab it of wh ich you r anc es to rs

.

m ana g ed to cu re th em selv es .

T H E SHE ANC I ENT N on e of u s n o w b eli eve th at all

-
.

t hi s ma ch in ery of fl esh and blood i s n ec es s a ry It di es .

T HE H E ANC I ENT It imp ri son s u s on th i s p etty

-

p lan e t and fo rbid s u s to r an g e t h rou h th e s ta rs

g .

A 0 18 B ut even a vo rt ex i s a vo rt ex in s om eth in g
. .

Y ou cant h av e a wh i rl p ool with out wat er ; and you c ant

h av e a vo rt ex with out g as o r mol ecul es o r atom s o r ion s ,

o r el e ct r on s o r s om e t h in g not noth in g , .

T H E H E A N CI ENT -
N o : th e vo r t ex i s not th e water
.

n o r th e g as n o r th e atom s : it i s a po wer o v er th ese

t h in g s .

THE SHE AN CI ENT T h e bo d y was th e s lav e of th e

-
.

vo rt ex ; but th e s lav e h as b eco me th e m as t er ; and we

29 4 As Far As T h oug h t C an R eac h P art V

THE S HE AN CI ENT T el l me A ci s : do you ev er th ink

-
.
,

o f you rs elf as h avin to liv erh a s f o r t h ou s and s of

g e
p p
y ea rs ?
A 0 18 .O h dont tal k about it
, W hy I k now v ery .
,

w ell th at I h av e only fou r y ea rs of wh at any re a sonabl e

rs on would call livin and t h ree and a h alf of t h em
p e g ;
ar e al re ady g on e .

E O R A 8 1A You mu s t not mind o u r s ayin g s o ; but

.

re ally you cannot call b ein an an ci ent livin

g
g .

THE NEWL Y B ORN [ al m os t i n tears ] O h t h i s d re adful ,

s h o r tn es s of o u r liv es ! I cannot b e a r i t .

STREPH O N I mad e up my mind on t h at s ubj ect lon g

.

ag o . Wh en I am t h ree y ea rs and fifty w eek s old I s h all ,

h av e my fatal accid ent A nd it will not b e an accid ent

. .

THE H E AN 0 1 ENT W e are v ery ti red of t h i s s ubj ect

-
. .

I mu s t l e av e you .

THE NEWL Y B ORN Wh at i s b ein g ti red ? .

THE SHE ANC I ENT T h e p enalty of att endin g to

-

c h ild ren F a rew ell

. .

T h e t wo A n c i en ts g o away s ev er al l y s h e i n to the ,

r o v e, h e u t o th e h i l l s b eh i n d th e t emp l e
p
r
f .

ALL O uf [ A g reat s i g h o f rel i ef ]

. .

D readful
E 0 R A 8 1A . p e op l e !
STREPHON B o res ! .

M A R T E LLU s would li k e to follow th em ; t o

. Y et on e

e nt er into th ei r life ; to ra s t h ei r t h ou h t ; to com r e

g p g p
h end th e univ ers e as t h ey mu s t .

A R J I LLA X G ettin g old M artel l us ?

.
,

M A R T E LLU S W ell I h ave fini sh ed with t he doll s ; and

.
,

I am n o lon g er j ealou s of you T hat loo k s li k e the en d . .

T wo h ou rs s l eep i s enou g h f o r m e I am afraid I am .

b eg innin g to find you all r ather s illy .

STREPHON I k now M y g i rl w ent o ff t h i s mo rning

. . .

S h e h adnt s l ep t f o r w eek s A nd sh e found mat he matic s

.

mo re int eres tin g t h an me .

Part V As Far A S T h o ug h t C an Reac h 29 5

M A R T E LL U S a p reh i s to ric s ayin g th at h as

. T h er e i s
com e down to u s fr om a famou s woman t eac h er S h e .

s aid :
“ L e av e wom en ; and s tudy math ematic s ”
It i s .

th e only remainin g f ra g m ent of a lo s t s c r i p tu re call ed

T h e C onfes s ion s of S t A u g u s tin th e E n g li s h Op ium .
,

E at er T h at p rimitiv e s ava g e mu s t h av e b een a g reat

.

woman to s ay a t h in g t h at s till lives aft er t h ree hund red

,

c entu ri es I too will l e av e wom en and s tudy math e

.

mati es wh i c h I h ave n egl ect ed too lon g

, .
Fa rew ell .
,

c h ildren my old playmat e s I almo s t wi sh I could feel

, .

s entim ental about a rtin f r om you ; but th e cold t ruth

p g
i s t h at you bo re m e D O not b e an g ry wit h m e : you r
.

tu rn will com e [ He p asses away g rav el y i n to th e

.

g ro v e .
]
A R J I L L A X.
g o es a
g r e at i
T h ere
s p rit W h at a .

s c ul to r h e was !
p A nd now no t h in g ! It i s a s if h e ,

h ad cut O ff hi s h and s .

THE NEWL Y BO RN O h will you all l eav e me as h e h as .

,

l eft you ?
E 0 R A 8 1A N ev er W e h av e s wo rn it
. . .

STREPHON Wh at i s th e u s e of s w ea rin g ? S he s wo r e
. .

H e s wo re You h av e s wo rn T h ey h av e s wo rn
. . .

E 0 R A 81 A You s pe ak li k e a g r amma r
. .

STREPHON T h at i s h o w o n e ou gh t to S p eak i s nt it ?
.
,

W e s h all all be f o rs wo rn .

THE NEWL Y BO RN D o not talk li k e th at You are . .

s add enin g u s ; and you are ch a s in g th e li g h t away I t .

i s g rowin g da rk .

AC I S N i g h t i s fallin g T h e li gh t will com e back

. .

to mo rrow
-
.

THE NEWL Y B ORN Wh at i s tomo rrow ? .

AC I S T h e day th at n ev er com es [ H e turns to ward s

. .

th e templ e ]
A l l beg i n tr o o p i ng i n to th e t empl e .
29 6 As Far AS T h o ug h t C an Reac h Pa t r V

THE NEWLY BORN [ h ol din g A c i s b ac k ] T h at i s no

an s w er Wha t .

A R J I LL A X S il enc e
. L ittl e ch ild ren sh ould b e s een
.

and not h ea r d .

THE NEWL Y BORN [p u tti ng o u t h er to ng ue at him ]

E 0 R A 81A Un g r ac eful
. You mu s t no t do t h at . .

THE NEWLY BORN I will do wh at I li k e B ut t h ere . .

i s s om et h in g th e matt er wit h m e I want to l i e down . .

I cannot k eep my ey es op en .

E 0 R A 81A You are f all n g a sl eep You will wa k e up

. .

a g am .

THE NEWL Y BO RN [ d ro wsi l y ] Wh at i s sl eep ?

AC I S A sk no qu es tion s ; and you will b e told no li es
. .

[ H e t a k es h er b y t h e e ar a n d l ead s h er fi r m l y t o w
,ar d s

t h e t emp l e] .

THE NEWL Y BORN A i ! oi ! ai ! D ont . . I want to be

carri ed [ S h e reel s i n to th e arms of A c i s , wh o c arri es h er
i n t o th e t emp l e]
C om e A rj il l ax : y ou at l ea s t are s t i ll an
E 0 R A 81A .
,

a rti s t I ado re you

. .

A R J I LLA X DO you ? U nfo r tunat ely f o r you I am

.
,

not s till a ch ild I h av e g rown out of cudd lin g I c an

. .

on ly a pp reciat e you r fi g u r e D oes t h at s ati fy you

s ? .

E 0 R A 81A A t wh at di s tanc e ?
.

A R JI LL A X A rm s l en g th o r mo re
.
’
.

E 0 R A 8 1A T h an k you : not f o r m e
.
[ S h e t u rn s aw ay .

f ro m hi m ] .

A R J I L L A X. Ha ! h a ! [ He s tri d es o ff i n to th e tem l e ]
p .

E 0 R A 81 A [ c al l i n g t o S trep ho n , who i s o n th e thres h o l d

o
f th e temp l e, g o i ng in ] S t rep h on .

STREPHON . No . M y h ea r t is b rok en .
[ H e g o es i n

t o th e temp l e ] .

E 0 R A 81 A . M u s t I p a ss th e ni gh t alon e ? [ S h e l o ok s

ro un d , s eeki n g ano th er p artn er ; b ut th ey h av e al l g on e] .

29 8 As Far As T h o ug h t C an B e ac h Pa rt V
my blood A nd now t h ey l et it fall as th e bi rd s did and
.
,

s u ff e r not at all W h at do you ma k e of it C ain my

.
, ,

—
fi rs t b orn ?
CA I N I inv ent ed k illin g and conqu es t and ma st ery
.

an d th e winnowin
g out of t h e w e a k by th e s t ron
g A nd .

now t h e s t r on g h av e slain o n e anot h e r ; and t h e w ea k liv e

f o r ev er ; and t h e i r d ee d s do not hi n g f o r th e do e r mo re
t h an f o r anoth er Wh at do you q u a k e of it s na k e ?
.
,

T HE SERPENT I am j u s tifi ed
. F o r I ch o se wi s dom
.

and th e k nowl ed g e of g ood and evil ; and now th ere i s no

e vil ; and wi s dom and ood a re o n e It i s enou h [ S h e
g .
g .

p un i s he s ] .

CA I N T h ere i s no plac e f o r m e on ea rt h any lon g er

. .

You cannot d eny t h at min e was a sp l endid g ame wh il e it

la s t ed B ut now ! O ut out b ri ef candl e ! [H e v an
.
, ,

i s h es ] .

EVE . cl ev er on es w ere alway s my favo rit es T h e

T he .

di g g ers and th e fi g h t er s h av e d ug t h em s elv es in with the

wo rm s . M y cl ev er on es h av e in h erit ed th e ea rth All s
'

.
’

w ell [ S h e f ad es away ]
.

ADAM I can mak e not hin g of it n eit h er h ead n o r

.
,

tail Wh at i s it all f o r ? W hy ? W hith er ? Wh enc e ?

.

W e w ere w ell enou g h in th e g a rd en A nd now th e fool s

.

h av e k ill ed all t h e anim a l s ; and t h ey ar e di s s ati s fi ed

b ecau s e t h ey cannot b e bot h er ed wit h t h ei r bodi es ! F 0 0 1
i shn es s I call it
, [ H e d i s.a
pp ea rs ] .

L I LI TH T h ey h av e acc ep t ed th e burd en of e t ernal

.

life T h ey h av e ta k en th e a g ony f rom bi r t h ; and th ei r

.

life do es not fail th em ev en in th e h ou r of thei r d es truc

tion T h ei r b re a s t s are Wi thout milk : t hei r b o w el s are
.

g on e : t he v ery s h a es of t h em ar e only o rn am e nt s f o r
p
t h ei r c h ild ren to admi r e and ca res s with out und ers tand
i ng . I s th i s enou gh ; o r s h all I labo r a g ain ? S h all I
b rin g fo r th s om eth in g t h at will s weep t h em away and
ma k e an en d of th em as t h ey h av e s w ept away th e b ea s t s
P art V As Far A s T h oug h t C an R each 29 9

of th e g a rd en and ma k e an en d of t h e c rawlin g t hin gs

,

and th e flyin g t h in g s and of all th em t h at refu s e to l iv e

f o r ev er ? I h ad pati enc e with t h em f o r many a g es t he V
t ri ed m e v ery s o rely T h ey did t erribl e t h in g s t hey
.
'

emb r ac ed d eat h and s aid that et ernal life was a fabl e

,
.

I s tood amaz e d at th e malic e and d es t ructiv e n es s of th e

'

t h in g s I h ad mad e : M a rs blu sh e d as h e loo k ed down on

th e sh am e of h i s s i s t er plan et : c ru elty and h y p oc ri s y h e
cam e s o h id eou s t h at th e fac e of th e e a rth was p itt ed
wit h th e g r av es o f littl e ch ild ren amon g wh ich livin g
s k el eton s c r awl ed in s ea r c h of h o rr ibl e food T h e p an g s
.

of anoth er bi rth were al ready u p on m e wh en o n e man

re ent ed and liv ed t h ree h und red y ea rs ; and I wait e d to
p
s ee wh at would com e of t h at A nd s o much cam e of it
.

t hat th e h o rro rs O f that tim e s eem now but an evil d ream .

T h ey h av e r ed eem ed t h em s elves f rom t h ei r vil en es s and ,

tu rn ed away fr om t hei r s in s B est of all th ey are still

.
,

no t s ati s fi ed : th e imp ul s e I g av e th em in t h at day w hen

I s und ered my s elf in twain and launch ed M an and
VV o ma n on t h e ea rt h s till u rg es t h em : aft er pas s in g a
-

million g oal s they p res s on to th e g oal of red emp tion

f r om th e fl esh to t h e vo rt e x f reed from matt er to t h e
, ,

wh i rl p ool in p u re int elli g enc e th at wh en th e wo rld

,

b eg an was a wh i rl p ool in p u re fo r c e A nd th ou gh all

, .

t h at th ey h av e don e seem s but th e fi rs t h ou r of th e infinit e

wo rk of c re ation y et I will not s u p ers ed e t h em until
,

t hey h av e fo rd ed t h i s la s t s t ream th at li es b etween fl esh

and s p i rit and di s en t an g l ed t h ei r life f rom th e matt er
,

t h at h as alway s mock ed it I can wait : waiting and

.

p ati enc e m e an not h in

g to t h e e t ernal I g.av e th e

woman the g reat es t of g ift s : cu ri o s ity B y th at h er .

s ee d h as b een s av ed from my w rat h ; f o r I al s o am cu ri

o u s ; and I h av e wait ed alway s to s ee wh at t h ey will d o

tomo rr ow L et th em feed th at a pp etit e w ell f o r m e I

. .

sa l et t h em d read of all t h in s s ta nation ; f o r f ro m

y
, , g g ,
3 00 As Far As T h ou g h t C an R each P art V
th e mom ent I L ilit h lo s e h o pe and fai th in t h em t hey
, , ,

ar e doom ed . In th at h o p e and fait h I h av e l et t h em liv e

f o r a mom en t : and in t h at mom ent I h av e s pa red th em
many tim es . B ut mi g h ti er c reatu re s t h an t h ey h ave
k ill ed h o p e and fait h and p eri sh ed f rom t h e ea rt h ; and
,

I m ay not s p a re t h em f o r ever I am L ilit h : I b r ou g h t

.

life into th e w hi rl p ool of fo r c e,and com pell ed my en em y ,

M att er to Ob ey a livin g s oul B ut in en slavin g L ife s

, .
’

en em I mad e L ife s ma s t er ; f o r t h at i s t h e en d of al l
’
y
s lav er y ; and n ow I s h all s ee th e s lav e s et free and th e

en em e concil ed t h e wh i rl ool be com e all lif e and no

y r , p
matt er A nd b ecau s e t h es e infant s th at call t h em s elv es
.

anci ent s are reac h in g out towa rd s t h at I will h av e,

p ati enc e wit h t h em s till ; t h ou g h I kno w w ell t h at w h en

t hey attain it th ey sh all b ecom e o n e with me and s u per

s e d e m e and L ilith will b e only a l eg end and a lay t h at
,

h as lo s t i t s m e anin g . O f L ife only i s t h ere no en d ; and

t h ou g h of i t s million s ta rry man s ion s many are em pty
and m any still unbuilt and th ou g h i ts va s t domain i s as
,

e t unb e a r ably d e s ert my s eed sh all o n e day fill it and

y ,

m a s t er i t s matt er to i t s utt ermo s t confin es . A nd f o r

w h at ma y be b eyond the ey esi g h t of L ilith i s too s h o rt
, .

I t i s enou g h th at t h ere i s a b eyond [

. S h e v an i s h es
.
]