Ask for More

10 questions to get what you want

Alexandra Carter
 This book is about negotiating
what you want with questions, no
one really teaches you that.
When you ask the right questions,
you open a window to create value
far beyond what you can imagine.
When you change your questions,
you change conversation.
 Expert negotiators realize that
their strength is knowledge and
not bluster
Research shows that only 7% of
people ask good questions in a
negotiation.
A me first , argumentative
approach always loses the
negotiation.
In challenging times, why is not the
question we should ask. Why looks
backward, often seeking to
particularize a problem to a
perpetrator.
 5 simple tips to negotiation.
1. Create the occasion
2. Write down your answers
3. Write down the thing you’re thinking
4. Follow up
5. Summarize your answer
The first question in a negotiation
is “what’s the problem I am trying
to solve”
Some problems have no answers,
so we have to just manage.
The second question is what do I
need to do?
 People who start with what’s the
least they can get tend to lose
more compared to those who start
with what best they can get.
Most people in negotiations care
deeply about their reputation.
 In mediating business conflicts,
people seek fairness, fairness may
mean different things in different
contexts.
Question three is what do I feel?
Feelings are facts
Feelings are present in all
negotiations
 Feelings directly impact our
decision making and other abilities
in negotiation.
Emotions also affect innovation
and creativity
Negotiations are not only about
money, many in fact are about
feelings.
Anger and anxiety always surface
in negotiations, watch out for
them.
 Fourth question is how have I
handled this successfully in the
past?
 When people think of a prior
success, they go from feeling
unsure, apprehensive or lost to
confident, organized and even
excited to negotiate.
Fifth question is what’s the first
step I should take?
You should always start with the
thing which has the highest
probability of success.
Negotiation is cumulative, so start
with a good first step.
Celebrity trainer Autumn Calabrese
helps people lose weight and get
healthy, she sees losing weight as a
negotiation.
 ‘When people talk, listen
completely, most people never
listen’ – Ernest Hemingway
 Most people understand the
concept of listening to a friend, a
spouse, a colleague, very rarely
they are ready to listen to an
adversary.
 Listening is the most important
foundational skill in negotiation.
 5 tips on listening
1. Land the plane
2. Enjoy the silence
3. Follow up
4. summarize and ask for feedback
5. Listen for what is unsaid
Sixth question is tell me…
Tell me… allows you to learn the
other person’s definition of the
problem.
Tell me.. Builds a relationship with
the person across from you.
Seventh question is what do you
need
Asking what do you need is a life
changer
 Getting underneath someone’s
demands to understand the needs
driving them can help transform
someone’s ideas about a conflict
and what to do with it.
Eight is what are your concerns
 Asking people for their concerns
helps you get information that is
critical to your negotiation but also
makes the other person heard.
This is a good way to get to the
root of the person’s feelings.
Nine is how have you handled this
successfully in the past
 Recalling a prior success helps
someone define their problem and
access potential solutions
The second reason to ask about a
prior success is that it helps the
other person gather the
confidence and the motivation to
solve the problem both of you
face.
Tenth question is what’s the first
step?
This question benefits your deal,
you don’t have to accept
everything that is said.
The advantage is that you can get a
version for you to refine and take
forward.
 If negotiation brings up too many
issues, which do you tackle first
• Low hanging fruit
• needs or common feelings
• Short term issues
• Recurring themes
 summary
The Mirror The Window

My definition of the problem Their definition of the problem

My needs/what those look like Their needs/what they look like

My feelings/concerns Their feelings/ concerns

My previous success Their previous success

My first steps Their first steps