5 Negotiation Tactics for

Dealing with Difficult People

Table of Contents

Introduction ....................................................................................................................................... 3

1. Prepare for the worst. ............................................................................................................. 4

2. Know how to prepare. ........................................................................................................... 8

3. Ask Proof of Life™ questions. ........................................................................................... 12

4. Lean on no-oriented questions. .....................................................................................15

5. Remember the “I” message! ............................................................................................. 17

Learn more about the person across the table. .......................................................19

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 2

Introduction

In an ideal world, every time you sat down at the table to make
a deal, you would be greeted by a friendly, cordial counterpart who
is guided by logic and never lets emotion get the best of them.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Of course, it rarely (if ever) works out that way. In the world
of high-stakes negotiations, it is only a matter of time before
you’re staring across the table at someone who is extremely
difficult to deal with. That’s just the way it is.

Rather than try to sidestep a difficult conversation or automatically

cater to your counterpart’s whimsies to get out of one, use these
five tried-and-true tactics to effectively deal with difficult people
during negotiations.

It’s only a matter of time before

you’re staring across the table
at someone who is extremely
difficult to deal with.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 3

1. Prepare for the worst.

Being successful in difficult negotiations starts with having the

right mindset when you sit down at the table. Unfortunately, far too
many negotiators walk into the room believing the conversation
will go smoothly. They start thinking of reasons why the counterpart
will like them and won’t be angry.

This mindset will get you into trouble very, very quickly. For starters,
you’re setting yourself up to ignore how your counterpart thinks
about things and their justifications for having those thoughts—
essentially making it impossible to use Tactical Empathy™.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 4

On top of that, although you might not mean it intentionally,
it is arrogant to think things will go well and that, if a problem
arises—say you were a day late on a deliverable in a contract—
you’ll be able to talk them out of it. You had a great reason, right?
And your counterpart, being as rational as they are, will no doubt
understand that logic and be cool with it.

Just take a step back and think about how arrogant that sounds.
You don’t know what’s on their mind or driving their thinking
because you can’t read their inner monologue.

When you believe you can talk the other side through an issue
and ignore how they feel about it, it sets you up to be betrayed
by your inner voice. When you think it will be easy to get on the
same level, it is hard to come across as genuinely understanding
of your counterpart’s perspective because your inner voice
betrays your outer voice.

When you believe you can talk

the other side through an issue
and ignore how they feel about it,
it sets you up to be betrayed
by your inner voice.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 5

It’s all about mindset.

Effectively navigating difficult negotiations starts with avoiding

the wrong mindset—and the negative ripple effects that mindset
brings along with it.

So instead of thinking that your job will be easy and the conversation
will flow smoothly and logically, you need to accept that the
conversation will go sideways, and there is nothing you can do
about it. No matter what, it will be contentious, and the other side
will have weird reasons for being mad.

Once you accept this fact, it becomes much easier to read between
the lines and listen at a different level—using the active listening
required to achieve Tactical Empathy.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 6

Keep in mind that you can’t simply decide to “listen at a different
level” and make that happen. When you decide to listen closer,
you often end up listening just enough to formulate your rebuttal.

Becoming a better listener starts with being genuinely curious

and accepting that your counterpart has legitimate reasons to feel
the way they do. You have to understand that—based on the way
they see things—their perspective is entirely legitimate. Once you
accept that legitimacy, you can begin to verbalize their argument,
setting off a chain reaction that ultimately leads to the two
magic words: “That’s right”™.

Becoming a better listener starts

with being genuinely curious
and accepting that your counterpart
has legitimate reasons to feel
the way they do.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 7

2. Know how to prepare.

Preparation is important—even when it comes to breathing.

Depending on the activity you’re engaged in, the way you breathe
will tie to your performance. When you’re meditating, you might
take long, deep breaths. When you’re scuba diving, you’re going
to struggle underwater if you breathe the same way. And if you’re
boxing, you want to make sure to exhale when you throw a punch
so it lands with maximum impact.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 8

We all know preparation is important for negotiation. But knowing
how to prepare is much more important than preparing in general—
just like knowing how to breathe for the activity you are engaged
in is more important than breathing in general. At the end of the day,
negotiation is just a performance.

Doing a bunch of research on your counterpart’s background isn’t

necessarily great preparation. You’re not going to find out everything
through Google searches and phone calls. Instead, you’re going
to learn more if you hear it directly from the horse’s mouth.

Your goal should be to get the other side to lay everything out
on the table for you. To do this, you need to figure out how
to structure your communication so that the other side feels
comfortable sharing things they wouldn’t tell anyone else—
the Black Swans that are hidden beneath the surface
of the conversation.

Knowing how to prepare

is much more important than
preparing in general.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 9

Find the Black Swans.

When you’re in a difficult negotiation, at least 3–5 Black Swans

exist somewhere between you and your counterpart. After all,
this is the reason the experience is difficult in the first place.
For whatever reason, you haven’t been able to uncover
and address the Black Swans to this point, and that’s what has
gotten you into this complex situation.

As you begin preparing for a difficult negotiation, you need

to figure out how to get the other side to open up and explain
how they see things. You also need to uncover the Black Swan
that led you to this juncture.

For the best results, spend most of your prep time on your
Accusation Audit (AA)™ so you can preemptively identify and defuse
the negative sentiments likely harbored by the other side.
By focusing on the AA, you will guide your thinking in the right
direction moving forward.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 10

Although no-oriented questions, Calibrated Questions™,
and Labels™ can also be helpful, if there is one thing you focus
on, let it be the AA (your questions and Labels should relate
to it, anyway).

Ideally, you will already have a go-to list of 5–10 Labels to rely on
in every negotiation, speeding up your prep even more.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 11

3. Ask Proof of Life™ questions.

Take a step back. Do you know whether you are the favorite
or the fool?

Although it might not seem like it, Proof of Life™ questions may
be a great tool to utilize in a difficult negotiation. That’s because
you’re almost certainly in a difficult spot for one of two reasons:
One, problems are occurring that the other side wants to fix
before making a deal, or two, your counterpart is looking
to sever the relationship altogether.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 12

It’s not a sin to not make a deal. But it is a sin to not make a deal
and waste a ton of time doing so. This is where Proof of Life can be
particularly helpful in determining if the other side wants to get past
an issue, or if they’re keen on never talking to you again.

In fact, you can even sprinkle your Proof of Life question into your
Accusations Audit: There are plenty of options in the industry. There
are other places you could go to attack this problem. Based on
where we are, you’re obviously not happy with how we’ve progressed.
There are things you wish we could have done better. We know
decisions need to be made on your side, which is why we come
together today. Why us?

This approach will get you answers faster. If the other side
responds like this—It’s interesting you mentioned that; we want to sever
the relationship today—you can respond quickly with a Label—
It sounds like you have specific pain points you want to address.

It’s not a sin to not make a deal.

But it is a sin to not make a deal
and waste a ton of time doing so.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 13

Being direct is a great way to get down to brass tacks, open up
the conversation, and attempt to work your way through problems.
At the same time, if you’re thinking about dropping the client,
they have just shortcutted the process for you, and you can separate
with no bad blood.

On the flip side, if the other side responds to your Proof of Life
question in the affirmative—You’ve shown us great things, you
have a great reputation, and we think your products and services
are best in class—you’re still in a fantastic spot.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 14

4. Lean on no-oriented questions.

If you’re in a contentious interaction and your goal is to get

the other side to agree to do business with you, the yes path
will not get you there.

That’s because the word yes is fickle. There are three different
types of yeses, and people often use the word yes to get out
of difficult situations. On top of that, your counterpart is already
primed to say no. If they are angry and you have reached a difficult
point in the negotiation, no is already on the tip of their tongue.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 15

If that’s where your counterpart’s mindset is, you might as well
use no to your advantage. After all, we all have a natural sensitivity
to the word yes, and that sensitivity is compounded when you’re
walking into a difficult negotiation—especially if the other side
initiated the difficulty.

Think about it: When you are in a difficult negotiation, your

counterpart does not want to give you the agreement you’re
searching for. In such a scenario, fishing for the biggest word
for agreement in the history of human civilization—yes—
is probably something you want to stay away from.

Fish for no instead: Are you against moving forward? Is it

impossible to fix our current status? Sooner or later, you will find
out why the best negotiators always aim for no.

We all have a natural sensitivity

to the word yes, and that sensitivity
is compounded when you’re
walking into a difficult negotiation.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 16

5. Remember the “I” message!

When you have exhausted your Accusations Audit, Proof of Life,

and no-oriented questions and are still at an impasse, it’s time
to pull the “I” message out of your sleeve.

“I” messages aren’t foreign to the negotiation world or the private

sector, but we teach them a bit differently at Black Swan. Simply put,
“I” messages are designed to confront undesired behaviors.
If you are getting a poor reaction from your counterpart—think anger,
frustration, or narcissism—“I” messages are a good fit.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 17

“I” messages consist of three parts:

† When you [do the unwanted behavior (e.g., yell)]

† I feel [the way you feel (e.g., I’m letting you down)]

† Because [reason the behavior is a problem (e.g., we need to

make sure to take good care of you throughout this contract)]

Here, you might want to lean into self-deprecation. Why?

Because when you self-deprecate, you immediately disarm
yourself and are no longer a threat.

One of the reasons difficult negotiations are difficult is because

both sides feel threatened by each other. If you can make your
counterpart feel safe because you are no longer a threat,
the results will be great for you.

Word to the wise: Think of an “I” message as a break glass in case

of emergency skill. And whatever you do, don’t use “I” messages
more than twice during any negotiation. If you lean on them
too much, the other side will feel like you are a brick wall that
nothing gets past, derailing your efforts.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 18

Learn more about the person
across the table.

In addition to these tools, it’s also important to learn as much

as you can about the person sitting across the table to determine
what negotiator type they are. The easiest way to do this is by
leading with your Accusations Audit.

After you state your AA, an Accommodator will likely jump in

and correct you immediately after you say something they disagree
with because they are so relationship-focused.

An Assertive will likely think to themselves that you’ve hit all the
main points, so it is time to move on.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 19

Analysts are the hardest to read. Chances are, there will be a lull
in the conversation after you’ve finished your AA because the
Analyst will need time to process what you’ve said. So give them
that time: Count to 10-Mississippi before you say anything else.

Because you’re reading these words, you are no doubt interested

in sharpening your negotiation skills so you can achieve better
outcomes next time you’re in a difficult place. Although the
takeaways from this e-book will help you start thinking
in the right direction, consider this a primer.

5 Negotiation Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People 20

If you’re looking to continue your learning, sign up for our online
class, “Fundamentals of Handling Difficult Negotiations,” to learn:

† How to softly approach a sensitive situation without

inflaming the interaction.

† How to hold your ground or simply say no without

derailing progress.

† How to become a trusted advisor without engaging in the

beat-around-the-bush, common-ground conversation.

We hope to see you there!

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